#it's a self-love decision and i have to see through it
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unhappy reunions
sol runs into her parents after the copa de la reina final
no warnings.
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“Solstråle?”
You froze. You knew that voice, knew it well. Your mother normally didn’t call you by the nickname Ingrid had given you, and that almost surprised you more than her surprise appearance.The noisy cafe still existed around you, but when you turned around, that was all forgotten.
“Mamma?” You whispered, instinctually taking a step backwards from the woman in front of you.
It made sense; you should have known better than to expect your parents to miss one of perfect, perfect Ingrid’s important games.
“Hei, kjære.” Your dad said gently. He had his hand on your mom’s elbow, holding her back from taking a step closer. It wasn’t as jarring to see him, but your body had been plunged into panic the moment you’d seen your mothers’ face.
“I-.... I can’t,” you mumbled, backing up until your back hit the door. The last thing you saw before you turned to leave was a heartbroken expression on your mom’s face. As if she was upset you wouldn’t talk to her. You were confused, overwhelmed, and so, so upset.
You booked it back to the hotel. As fast as you could, walking as quickly as would be socially acceptable. You’d forgotten the coffee you’d ordered, which you only realized as you got in the elevator at the hotel. You were kind of torn on whether to head to your room, or to Ingrid and Mapi’s. They’d probably still be asleep; the celebrations had gone late the night before, and you wanted them to rest, to really soak in the victory.
But honestly, you weren’t sure you’d be able to calm yourself down, and you knew your sister could. You made a decision that you wouldn’t have a few months ago, maybe even a few weeks ago, stopping in front of your sister’s door rather than your own. You chose company over self pity, and comfort over punishing yourself. And it felt wrong.
Mapi answered the door. “Good morning Sol!” She said cheerily, stepping aside to let you in the room. The bathroom door was closed and you could hear the shower running, which explained where your sister was.
“Hi.” You said, your voice much shakier and quieter than normal.
“You okay?” Mapi asked, shutting the door and giving you a concerned look.
“Yeah.” The lie was instinctual. “No, actually. No. I… I went to get coffee.”
Mapi looked at your empty hands, raising an eyebrow in question.
“I saw my mom. She- both of them. My mom and my dad, they were in the coffee shop I went to. And I saw them.” You looked away from Mapi as you spoke, staring down at your hands. They were trembling.
“Sol,” Mapi sighed and reached out for your hand, though you stepped backwards, shaking your head at her.
“Please don’t touch me.” You whispered, pressing the heels of your palms tightly against your eyes. You felt so unsettled, so uncomfortable. Suddenly, Zaragoza didn’t feel safe, you didn’t feel safe. You wanted to go home, or maybe you just wanted to hide yourself somewhere quiet and far, far away from anyone else.
Mapi stood for a minute, not sure what to do. You’d never refused a hug from her before and though she realized that you coming to their room as opposed to hiding away in your own room was a step forward, everything about your body language was screaming that you were miles away, back in Norway. Norway, where you didn’t feel loved or noticed. Where you shied away from hugs because you weren’t used to getting them. Mapi heard the shower turn off and wasn’t sure whether or not to be glad. Ingrid might be overwhelming for you, as it seemed like you were already overwhelmed, but Ingrid could sometimes get through to you in a way that only she could.
“Okay, Sol. Everything is fine, cariño.” She tried to soothe.
“No! No, everything isn’t fine. They aren’t supposed to be here, I don’t want to see her. Are they here to take me back? I don’t want to go back. I want to go home, to Barcelona. I want to go home Mapi, please.”
“You aren’t going back and you don't have to see anyone, nena.” Mapi promised, stepping closer with her hands raised slightly in the air. “Tell me what to do, tell me how I can help.”
“I don’t know, I don’t know.” All you could do was shake your head back and forth, trying to keep yourself in the present.
“Okay, Sol, just breathe. Just breathe for me.” Mapi soothed, taking a slight step forwards. It didn’t seem like you were hearing her. It didn’t even seem like you were in the room with her.
“Mom, please please don’t send me away. I want to stay here with you. Please mom, please.” You sobbed. Your head hurt from crying, from going back and forth in circles with your mother.
“You are going, and that is final.” Your mother said firmly. She didn’t really seem to see your tears, or how upset you were.
You looked towards your dad, who couldn’t meet your eyes. “Dad, please. I don’t want to go. I’ll be better, I promise, just please,”
Your father opened his mouth, as if to reply, but your mother beat him to it. “Enough. We are not changing our minds.”
You wiped a few tears away. “How can you do this to me?”
“Do this to you?” She repeated incredulously. “I’m always the bad guy with you. No matter how much I do, nothing is ever enough. You are ungrateful. You are only capable of thinking of yourself. This is not the kind of person I raised you to be. You say that you are anxious and depressed. I think you’re lying, and I am sick and tired of your excuses for this poor behavior. It is a miracle your sister is even willing to take you in. I am sure she has no idea what she’s getting herself into. You will go to Spain, and you will learn what it's like to not have someone do everything for you. And until you learn that, do not bother coming back here. I do not want to see your face again until you have cleaned up your act.”
The room fell silent as your mother took a step back, a flicker of emotion flashing across her face. Your dad still wouldn’t look at you. If he had, he would have seen that the tears had stopped. You stood, looking like you’d been struck. In that moment, you hated yourself as much as your mother seemed to. Even if you didn’t understand why she felt that way. You were pretty sure it was warranted.
“I am sorry for yelling. I just get so frustrated with you sometimes, and I don’t know what else to do.” She stepped closer, stopping when you took a step back. “We are doing this because we care about you.”
It was always because they cared about you. Never because they loved you. Your mother had stopped saying love a long time ago, around the time you’d started acting out. You wondered if you’d ever hear it again. From anyone.
“Sol, I need you to breathe.” Mapi said, bringing you out of your thoughts. You raised your head to look at her, and she almost cried herself at the downright haunted look on your face. The next second, you were practically lunging towards her, a broken sob falling from your lips.
“I want Ingrid.” You choked out, pressing your face into Mapi’s shoulder. She nodded quickly, arms holding you securely to her, even as you trembled violently.
“Ingrid,” Mapi called.
“One second.” Ingrid replied, not hearing the urgency in her girlfriend’s tone.
When Ingrid walked out of the bathroom, clean and dressed in the clothes she was intending on wearing to the airport, she stopped in her tracks. Mapi was holding you close against her, shushing you quietly, and you were sobbing.
“María? Solstråle? What-?”
Mapi just shook her head, waving Ingrid to come closer. Your sister crossed the room quickly, filled with confusion and worry as she saw the state you were in. When you didn’t seem like you were going to explain anytime soon, Ingrid looked again to Mapi.
“She saw your parents. They’re here, in Zaragoza, she saw them in a coffee shop.”
Ingrid felt fury rise in her, but she pushed it aside, softly stroking over your hair with her hand. “Sol, I’m so sorry.”
Once you felt your sister’s hand on your head, you turned around, falling into Ingrid. You squeezed her tighter than you ever had before, the only thought in your head that you did not want to go back.
“Ingrid, don’t let them take me.” You sobbed.
“Elskling, I am not letting anyone take you anywhere . You are staying with me, okay? I promise you.”
Ingrid had seen you upset before. Really upset. Nothing came close to this, though. It felt like just when she thought she understood how much damage your parents had done on you, something else would happen that told her it was far worse than she'd been thinking.
And at the worst possible moment, the door flew open and Patri and Pina’s loud voices filled the room, before they fell completely silent. They froze in the doorway, realizing that they had walked in on a full breakdown from you. They’d heard from Ingrid and Mapi that you’d been struggling. Until now, it had been hard to fit that information into the image they had of you. Smiley quiet Sol.
Neither of them knew what had happened to get you to this point, cradled against your sister, sobbing so hard they weren’t even sure you knew they were there.
“Out.” Mapi said harshly, moving to block your trembling form. She’d never snapped like this to her teammates, and though they had already been on their way out of the room, they moved faster.
“Sorry, Mapi.” Patri said quietly, yanking Pina out of the room quickly and shutting the door behind them.
“What-?” Pina began.
“I don’t know. Whoever hurt her enough to be like that… I don’t understand. She’s such a good kid.”
“If Mapi ever goes to jail for murder, we’ll know who she went after.”
Patri nodded her agreement.
Back inside the room, you had stopped crying, save for the occasional sniffle. Ingrid almost preferred the crying to the completely blank look that had washed over your face.
“Sol,”
“Pina and Patri?”
“They won’t say anything to anyone, and they won’t make fun of you, Sol. Not for this.” Mapi promised.
“Okay. Good. I need to pack.” You said stiffly, stepping away from the comfort of your sister, and turning to walk out of the room.
“No, Sol. No. Stop for a second. We cannot pretend that didn't just happen.” Mapi cut in. A flicker of surprise flashed across your face, as Mapi was normally the one to encourage Ingrid to let you take things at your own pace.
You looked between her and your sister, wondering how you could explain it in a way that made sense to them. “ I can’t think about this any more before we go home. I just need to go home. Please.”
For once, Mapi looked conflicted while your sister nodded instantly. She understood. You hated unfamiliar places. You were introverted that way, while Mapi was very much the opposite. There was never a feeling of complete safety when you and Ingrid were away from home, and she understood why you didn’t want to deal with this now, here. Not when you were only a few hours from being home.
“Okay. I get that. I am not leaving you alone right now, though. We still have a few hours until we have to go, so take Mapi with you to finish packing, and then go find me coffee.”
You nodded weakly, moving only once Mapi had given you a kind smile and began to lead you out of the room.
Ingrid waited until the door had shut behind you both before she grabbed her phone from her pocket, and clicked on a contact she hadn’t even looked at in a while.
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She was doing the right thing. That’s what Ingrid told herself. It had nothing to do with the desperate wish to see her parents, even if she was so furious with them she couldn’t put it into words. She missed her mom, and she had for a while. Ingrid was doing this for you, though; she was putting you first.
When she entered the bar in the lobby of the hotel, she saw her parents instantly. They were sitting at a small table in the corner of the bright room, conversing quietly. Her father kept shaking his head, and her mother seemed to be insisting on something.
Making her way over to the table, Ingrid schooled her features and took a deep breath.
“Hi.” She said neutrally, taking the open seat at the table without really looking at either of her parents.
“Ingrid.” Her mom said happily. “I’ve missed you so much.”
Your sister dug her nails into her palm. Think of Sol. Think of what they have done.
“I’m not here to chat. I am here to tell you to stay away from Sol. She isn’t ready to see either of you right now. I didn’t realize I had to be specific in my request for you both to not come to the final, but you’ve crossed the line here. You had no idea how upset Sol is.”
“Ingrid, we didn’t mean to run into her. We just came to see you play. It was completely coincidental, our flight back home leaves this evening.” Her dad explained.
“You told us what Sol needed, and we want to respect that. But we have really missed you, and you’ve had such an incredible season. We just wanted to see you play.” Her mom chimed in.
“And what about Sol? Have you missed her?” Ingrid asked bitingly.
“Of course we have. I know we… I messed up. I made a lot of mistakes. I wasn’t well, Ingrid, but I’m doing better now and I want-”
“Sol is not going back to Norway.” Ingrid snapped.
Her mother nodded instantly. “I know. I want your sister to be happy, and it seems like she is. The best place for her is with you, I understand that. I don’t get to be upset that she doesn’t want to come home, not when I’m the reason she had to leave in the first place. I want to apologize to her, Ingrid. Not today, but maybe we can come to Barcelona? And we can talk to her.”
The suspicion on Ingrid’s face said enough. Her mother knew then that what she had broken was not fixable. Her relationship with you may not even be salvageable, and her one with Ingrid was broken. Potentially beyond repair.
“I don’t know. I’ll talk to her when we’re home to see if she wants to do that.”
“Okay. Whatever you think is best, Ingrid.”
The table fell into silence before your father spoke, his voice oddly choked up. “How is she?”
Your sister’s eyes flickered to your fathers before she answered, trying to gauge his sincerity. “She’s okay. She’s doing better. It’s not perfect, but she’s happier. We got her a dog, and she’s making friends. Her and Mapi are… crazy together, but it’s fun. She’s going to be okay, I think.”
Your father gave Ingrid a watery smile, blinking hard.
“Ingrid, I want to say I’m sorry to you, too.” Your mother said after a minute.
Ingrid glared at her. “For what? I am happy to have Sol here, I love her. She isn’t a burden to me.”
Her mother flinched, wiping a tear off her cheek. “That’s not what I meant. I… she’s doing better, and that is because of you. Because you are doing an incredible job with her. I am sorry because what I have done has understandably pushed you away from me. And it isn’t fair for Sol not to have had an attentive mother, but it isn’t fair for you either, to lose me too. It’s my fault, and I’m sorry. I miss you, kjære. I love and miss you both, but I understand.”
Ingrid stared out the window for a moment, willing herself not to start sobbing. “Thank you for apologizing.” She said finally. “I miss you too, but that doesn’t change anything. Sol needs me, and she is my priority. She hasn’t been yours in a long time, but she is mine and I will do whatever she needs me to do. Even if that means not seeing you both.”
Both your parents nodded solemnly. “We understand, Ingrid. Really, we do.”
Ingrid nodded, biting her lip hard to keep from crying. God, she wished Mapi was here right now.
“Okay. You should get back to your sister. We’re so proud of you, Ingrid. We’ll be cheering you on in the champions league final, and if Sol decides to hear me out, you know how to reach me. I love you, darling.” Her mother said, standing and pressing a kiss to Ingrid’s head, before she walked away from the table. She, too, was trying to keep it together, for her daughter’s sake.
Your father rose and gently patted her cheek. “I love you, kiddo. Fly safe.”
“I love you too.” She whispered, but both her parents were too far away by now to hear her.
She couldn’t stop the tears from dripping down her face as she headed for the elevator. She wiped furiously at them, but they fell all the same.
The elevator opened up in front of her, and she was met with a very concerned Frido.
“Hey. Mapi told me you were meeting your parents, and I… oh, Ingrid.” Frido sighed. At the sight of Frido, Ingrid had stopped trying to fight it, stepping in closer and letting out a heart wrenching sob. Frido tugged Ingrid back into the elevator with her, carefully wrapping her best friend in a tight hug.
“I know, I know. It really sucks.” Frido whispered, clicking the button for your sister’s floor. “You’re doing the right thing for your sister, though, and I’m really proud of you, Ing.”
Your sister wished she could find it within herself to feel proud, but the only feeling she had was that she really just wanted a hug from her mom. And more than that, she wanted to go back in time and erase all the hurt from your life. She wished things could just be fixed but she knew they couldn’t be, not quickly, maybe not at all. And that was something she was going to have to live with.
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You seemed weighed down with despair when Ingrid arrived back in her room. And distracted, finishing the final touches of packing Mapi’s suitcase. Mapi hated packing, and you loved it, so there was no confusion on Ingrid’s part as to why this was occurring. What was a bit alarming for her, though, was that you didn’t even seem to notice the tear tracks on Ingrid’s face, even though you looked right at her. You were an observant person, and not noticing how upset your sister was spoke volumes towards how poorly you were handling this.
Mapi didn’t miss it, though. Of course not. She glanced up, seeing her girlfriend’s face, her brow instantly furrowing in concern. Ingrid refused to meet her eyes, terrified that she’d start crying again, but this time in front of you.
“Hey, Sol? Can you go up to Frido’s room and see if I left my book there?” Mapi asked.
You nodded absentmindedly, walking right past your sister and out the door.
“Come here, princesa,” Mapi sighed, allowing Ingrid to fall into her arms and bury her face in Mapi’s t-shirt. She just held the Norwegian for a few minutes, every so often pressing a kiss to the side of Ingrid’s head. Mapi made sure to thread her fingers through Ingrid’s thick hair, as she always did when it was down, scratching gently at her scalp. Ingrid tried to focus on the smell of Mapi overwhelming her, instead of any of the one million emotions she was feeling. “Did it not go well?’
“No, it went okay. Good, actually. They’re both completely aware that this is their fault, and they aren’t going to try to make Sol go back to Norway. It was just hard. I miss them, and I know I shouldn’t-”
“Hey, no. There is no should or shouldn’t when it comes to how you feel, mi amor. You can miss them and be angry at them all at the same time. And missing them doesn’t mean you love your sister any less. Okay?”
“Okay.” Ingrid nodded, trying to muster a smile for her girlfriend. “Thanks for sending Frido down, I was kind of a mess.”
Mapi just flashed a smile at the Norwegian, gently kissing her cheek. “I love you.” She said softly.
Ingrid wilted slightly, overcome, as she usually was, at how ridiculously perfect her beautiful girlfriend was. “I love you too, María.”
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Ingrid and Mapi had left you alone in the airport for five minutes, going in search of coffee before Ingrid went on a killing spree of some kind. And it was in that short period of time that Patri and Pina very suddenly appeared on either side of you, flopping into the open seats next to you.
You regarded them warily, trying to figure out if they were going to say something about it or not.
“If we have to kill someone for you, we will.” Claudia said matter of factly. “More importantly, though, Mapi is going to fall asleep on that plane. And you are going to write something on her forehead.”
“Am I?” You asked, a hint of a smile playing on your lips.
“You are. I am thinking something along the lines of… I love my girlfriend?” Patri suggested.
“Single and ready to mingle.” Pina countered.
“Heterosexual.”
“World’s biggest simp.”
“Loser.”
“Little bitch.”
All three of you were giggling at this point, attracting the attention of a few of your sister’s teammates sitting nearby. Among them, Esmee. She was a quiet girl, incredibly kind and also fond of your sister. Esmee was shy, and as such, the words that came out of her mouth were completely unexpected.
“#1 Real Madrid Fan.” She suggested, a small smirk on her face.
You fell off your seat, tears forming in your eyes as you pictured both Mapi’s reaction to that being written on her forehead, and at Esmee being the one who had come up with it.
You didn’t notice Ingrid and Mapi watching on from a few feet away, having stopped in their tracks at the sound of your laughter.
“I didn’t think I’d see her smile for a few days at least.” Ingrid murmured.
“Me either. Thank god for the two biggest imbeciles on the planet.” Mapi said with a roll of her eyes.
“No, not imbeciles. They saw she was upset earlier, and they knew what they were doing just now.” Ingrid said softly, exchanging a look with Patri. The young captain sent Ingrid a huge grin and a sly thumbs up.
Mapi got a slightly mushy look on her face. “My favorite imbeciles.” She decided.
Ingrid laughed, shaking her head. She knew very well that Pina and Patri would be right back to being Mapi’s least favorite imbeciles. Just as soon as Ingrid helped them draw on her girlfriend’s face.
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“I don’t even like penises.” Mapi grumbled, dragging her bag through the door. “Stupid thing to draw.”
You and Ingrid choked back laughter. “No one gets a penis drawn on them because they LIKE penises Mapi.”
“You are on my list Engen.” Mapi sneered, her face cheering up greatly as Bagheera ran to greet her.
“Hey, just be glad Alexia stopped them from putting it on your forehead.” You giggled.
Ingrid turned to you, wide eyed, while Mapi whipped around, her jaw dropping. “Ingrid said SHE stopped them from doing that!”
You dodged the wack Ingrid tried to land on your arm, laughing even harder. “Nah, Ingrid was pro penis on the forehead. Alexia was too, until she realized there’d be cameras when we got off the plane, and she changed her mind.”
The Spaniard frowned down at the large drawing on her forearm, before her glare turned to you. “Oh, just wait, Engen. You’ll regret this.”
A scandalized look appeared on your face. “Me?! It was Pina and Patri.”
“They will pay too, pequeña, don’t worry. You’ll all pay.”
You rolled your eyes at the Spaniard’s dramatics, but your amusement completely disappeared when Ingrid rested a hand on your shoulder and turned you towards her.
“Can we talk for a sec, Sol?”
Worry clouded your face as you nodded, allowing Ingrid to lead you into the living room. She wanted to be honest with you, tell you what had happened as soon as she could. You both were home now, and she knew you’d be upset if she kept her conversation with her parents from you for any longer.
Taking a seat on the couch next to Ingrid, you turned expectantly to Mapi. Ingrid never had an important conversation with you without her girlfriend there as a buffer.
“I am going to get the dog.” Mapi said, giving you a reassuring smile before she headed back out the door with Scout’s leash in hand.
“Ingrid, I didn’t really want to talk about-”
“I talked to mom and dad.” Ingrid interrupted, wincing slightly at the panic and hurt that flashed across your face.
“Oh.” You mumbled.
“I just wanted to tell them to leave you alone, sweetheart. We didn’t talk for very long. They just said that they want you to be happy. Mom was really… apologetic. And she said that she wanted to talk to you. I told her that it was up to you, whether or not you wanted to talk to her.”
“Oh.” You repeated. Ingrid couldn’t get a read on how you were feeling. Overwhelmingly, it seemed to her like you were anxious, so she reached out and took your hand. “Mom wants me to go back to Norway?”
“No, Sol. She wants you to be happy. And you’re happier here than you ever were in Norway. I think she just wants to talk. To apologize.”
“Oh. Okay.” You paused, trying to slow your pounding heart. You didn’t have to go back. “Do you- do you want me to talk to her?” You asked insecurely, eyeing your sister with apprehension.
Ingrid shook her head again, running a hand through her hair. “Solstråle, I want you to do what you want to do. I want you to decide what will be best for you. Don’t think about me, Sol. Think about you.”
She spoke so earnestly, you had a hard time figuring out which thing she really did want. But the more you thought about it, the clearer it became.
Ingrid had always been close with your parents. The last few months must have been really hard for her, barely speaking to them at all. Ingrid probably wanted you to make up with them, so that she could do the same. Even if you didn’t go back to Norway. You could put your family back together again. That was what Ingrid wanted.
You opened your mouth to tell her you’d talk to your mom, before you slammed it shut again.
Ingrid had also said she wanted you to choose what was best for you. And if you were sure about anything, it was that you weren’t ready to talk to your mom, not yet. It didn't come naturally to you, putting yourself first and making a decision that would be best for you, and not for the people around you. BUt you felt you owed it to your sister to be honest. To do what she was asking. Ingrid had done so much for you the last few months. She just wanted you to be happy. And you wanted to be happy, too. More than anything.
“I… I’m not ready yet. I don’t want to talk to her. Maybe in a few months, but not… not now.” You said quietly. You didn’t seem confident in your decision at all, but Ingrid understood what that insecurity was really about.
“Okay, Sol. Whatever you want sweetheart. Whatever makes you happiest.”
You looked up at her, tears welling in your eyes. “Really?”
Ingrid exhaled sharply, tucking a piece of hair behind your ear. “Really.”
You nodded your head, before leaning in towards Ingrid. She hugged you tight.
“I’m really proud of you, Sol. Really proud.”
You squeezed her tighter. You were proud of you, too.
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:)
#woso imagine#woso x reader#woso one shot#woso fanfics#barcelona femeni x reader#ingrid engen x mapí leon#ingrid engen x reader#mapi leon x reader#engen!reader#🍓☀️
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This is why The Book of Life is both the most grave threat in GO... and also complete bullshit
I win at attention-grabbing titles today, I think? 😊I don't think that Is The Book of Life real? is the question. I'm more interested in:
Who *believes* that The Book of Life is real and how does that impact their decisions?
Early in S2, there's the scene between Beez and Crowley in Hell, wherein they tell him that Heaven is threatening anyone involved with helping Gabriel with "Extreme Sanctions," which they define as being written out of a thing called 'The Book of Life'. They say that this doesn't just erase someone from existence-- it makes it so that they never existed at all in the first place.
While 'The Book of Life' (and a thing called 'The Book of The Damned') have a place in religions in our real life and are likely being alluded to a bit here, we know that GO puts its own, wonderfully subversive spin on things. More importantly, the scene between Crowley and Beez where Beez defines The Book of Life for us actually might tell us what the deal is with it already.
Crowley, upon hearing about The Book of Life as a threat, immediately tells Beez that there is actually no such thing. He says that they-- meaning the two of them-- made it up back in the day to tease more innocent angels. Crowley is confident of this fact when he's not always confident about his pre-fall recollections and, as a result, we're inclined to trust his opinion here, right? It's Crowley's doubt in himself that has caused us to start to complicate a thing that might actually be deceptively simple: it's not a thing.
We see the realization that Crowley is likely correct flicker on Beez's face when Crowley tells them that The Book of Life is not real... and then quickly disappear and be replaced by an attempt to gather their pride.
Both Beez and Crowley have faulty memories and many scenes in S2 show Crowley's struggle to recall some people and events from when he was an angel. Even if you think that Crowley plays with knowledge of this with other angels and demons (like with Furfur and/or Saraqael) and purposefully pretends to forget them, he admits to Gabriel near the end of S2 that he knows what Gabriel is going through from personal experience.
What Crowley is sure about, though, is a memory that he has of him and Beez teasing some angels and making up The Book of Life. Lord Beezlebub, though, doesn't have this memory. It's perhaps trauma-blocked for them, the way that many of Crowley's own have been and many still are.
When Crowley tells them that he's sure that The Book of Life is bullshit, we see a flicker of vulnerable horror pass over Beez's face for the briefest of moments before they double down and insist that, no, he has to be wrong, The Book of Life is real.
Why do they do this? Because they know that Crowley is likely correct and they're embarrassed.
Imagine being Beez, running Hell for all those years, and jumping to do whatever Heaven tells them to do to try to maintain order and stay alive, only to find out that the thing Heaven's threatening them with? It not only doesn't even exist but Beez themselves is one of the people who made it up. Heaven took Beez's memories and, with them, some of their sense of self, and then turned around and weaponized those memories against them. They've been frightening Beez half to death and making them do their bidding by threatening them with something they and Crowley once jokingly made up once while being silly and stupid.
That's... pretty dark, no?
Making matters worse? They once ordered Beez to try to kill their old friend, Crowley, and here he is in the present, the only person they can go to for help with finding the person they love before he's harmed even more by these same people who have hurt all of them... and Crowley remembers the friendship they once had more than Beez does. He has a kind of sweet memory of the two of them being friends and he's acting like one in the present by trying to look out for Beez through telling them the truth as much as he knows it. He's being kind to them...
Beez can't stand it. They don't think they deserve it and they feel like such a fool. If they admit the truth-- that they think Crowley's memory is correct and that they were wrong about The Book of Life-- then they're admitting that they were duped by Heaven for longer than anyone can count.
Would Crowley care about this or think lesser of them? No. He would empathize. It's not like he's not in the same boat as Beez, having also been harmed by Heaven and facing difficulties with his memories. He would understand and he'd continue to be kind about it... but Beez has their pride. Beez is embarrassed-- so, they double down. They change the course of the season as a result.
They tell Crowley that The Book of Life is a real thing and emphasize the threat. This causes Crowley to begin to doubt the validity of his own memory. It triggers his lack of trust in himself. He's already vulnerable about his memory but he was sure about this particular memory-- until Beez starts insisting that he's wrong. (To be fair to Beez, they both have such shit memories that it's easy to see how they'd both wind up operating under the assumptions that there's a real threat, even if talking more to one another and trying to figure it out together would have been the healthier way to handle it.)
Crowley thinks, well, Beez has run Hell for ages and surely they'd know more than him if Extreme Sanctions are a thing or not? He presumes that Beez has seen it done before, since they're insisting that it's real. He presumes that he's the one who is incorrect and, as a result, becomes convinced that Aziraphale is now risking his very existence to help Gabriel.
This then becomes Crowley's primary motivation for the whole season.
It's even eclipsed the terror he has over the idea of Aziraphale falling because, at least, if the worst happened and Aziraphale fell, he'd still be there. If Heaven erases Aziraphale from The Book of Life, though, according to Beez, Aziraphale will have never existed at all.
At thinking this a possibility, Crowley races back to the bookshop to help protect Gabriel as a way of trying to help protect Aziraphale. All season long, the threat of Aziraphale being The Book of Life'd looms large for Crowley. He even growls at Gabriel at one point that Aziraphale is risking "his existence" to help him. Gabriel also can't help Crowley determine if Extreme Sanctions are really a thing or not-- even if he likely would have been in a position to know previously-- because Gabriel's brain is experiencing technical difficulties and playing nothing but a Buddy Holly song for all of S2.
Crowley is also hesitant to tell Aziraphale about his fear of The Book of Life threat because he knows that Aziraphale is skating on the edge of a breakdown and that, while Aziraphale is strong overall, he is very, very fragile about the fact that Heaven abandoned him and no one has talked to him over the last four years until Gabriel showed up at the door.
Crowley also knows that Aziraphale is sensitive about the fact that all of what little information they can gather about what's doing in Heaven & Hell is coming from a demon Crowley knows because it highlights that, after all the years he gave Heaven, Aziraphale was left without anything remotely close to a friend up there, while Crowley still at least has a contact in a demon who needs him and his experience. That said demon also has a thing for Crowley adds further complications.
So, in an effort to not worsen things and to try to protect Aziraphale, Crowley doesn't tell him that Beez reached out to him for help because he doesn't want to tell Aziraphale that Beez needed him and that they had what is, for them, a fairly friendly chat. As a result of trying to keep that to himself, Crowley can't mention his terror over The Book of Life to Aziraphale.
This means he's alone with the thoughts of it for the season and his already high anxiety is worsened by the fact that seeing Gabriel's memory loss reminds him of his own frail memory, causing him to doubt himself more, and helping convince him that Beez was correct and they're all in massive trouble. He's not the only one trying to protect someone by not mentioning a threat to their existence, though...
The season goes on and Aziraphale goes to Edinburgh. On the way back, he lets Shax into The Bentley and Shax comments that she is "bemused that Crowley should risk his existence" to help Aziraphale. Aziraphale doesn't immediately question this as related to The Book of Life because he assumes that Shax means that Hell would destroy Crowley if they determined that he was involved-- that it's the same threat to Crowley's existence that has always existed. Still, it amps up his worry for Crowley's safety and when he gets back to London, he doesn't tell Crowley about his having met Shax.
Because Aziraphale doesn't bring this up, there is not an opportunity to for either of them to mention exactly how worried they are that the other might die over all of this. The subject of existence-- and how Crowley is worried that it ties to The Book of Life-- continues to not come up.
Fast forward to The Final Fifteen and now we have Michael in the bookshop living room, yelling that they're going to erase Aziraphale from The Book of Life. This is the first time in the season that Aziraphale has directly been confronted with the concept of Extreme Sanctions.
Michael, for their part, seems to genuinely believe in The Book of Life. We have several scenes earlier in the season showing Michael making a power grab in Gabriel's absence and tussling with Uriel over what little power either of them really do have. It's likely that, even if The Book of Life is a thing that does exist, Michael doesn't actually have the ability to erase anyone from existence. (Not even a fascist regime would be dumb enough to give that power to Michael lol.)
What could be the case, though, is that the angels are also told this is real from being the frightened cherubs back in the day lol and all presume that The Supreme Archangel must have the power to do this because, well, they're The Supreme Archangel. (Even if it's really The Metatron who runs the show.) Michael thinks that if they sound like they have the power, it's as good as actually having the power, and it will result in them being seen as Gabriel's replacement. You know the idea of acting as if you already have the job you want to get the job you want? Michael seems to be doing that in 2.06.
What's true, though, is that there is no evidence that Michael has ever seen a case of Extreme Sanctions in action, either... and there's also zero indication that The Metatron actually told Michael that they were authorized to do such a thing, if it does exist. The opposite, actually, seems to be true...
What we did see is The Metatron order Saraqael and Michael to find Gabriel without specifying how and that Michael then took it upon themselves to enlist Beez for assistance. At no point does using Extreme Sanctions seem to be anything but Michael's idea of a motivational tool to get Beez to help them find Gabriel (as Michael didn't know that Beez was already personally motivated to locate Gabriel... and then help keep him away from the angels).
So, we're saying that Michael doesn't actually know fuck all about fuck all where this topic is concerned and them threatening to use Extreme Sanctions doesn't actually mean that they exist. This is pretty heavily suggested by this scene here...
Whoever the being being played by Derek Jacobi who shows up at the bookshop in the middle of Michael's 2.06 tirade actually is-- Satan, The Metatron, Satan-in-The-Metatron, All of The Them standing on each other's shoulders in a Metatron suit, whoever-- Michael comes to believe that this is The Metatron... and this being whom Michael believes is The Metatron shuts down the idea that Michael could write someone out of The Book of Life hard.
While this can be seen as another type of power play-- shutting down Michael to establish that he's actually the most powerful person in the room and that being a low key threat to all of them, including both Michael and Aziraphale... it doesn't necessarily mean that this being is lying about The Book of Life.
For one thing? Michael, once told that the being in front of them is The Metatron, believes it, so, when whom they think is The Metatron tells them that what they're saying about The Book of Life is "utter balderdash-- I mean, complete piffle", Michael doesn't say anything that suggests confusion over that.
If The Metatron was the one out here authorizing Extreme Sanctions and telling Michael to threaten anyone helping Gabriel with erasure from The Book of Life, Michael would have started to splutter here and said something along the lines of 'but, but, Daaaad, you said I could?!' lol. Instead, they appear to just be embarrassed to have been caught out threatening something they can't actually do. This furthers the suggestion that, not only can Michael not actually do it, they've probably never seen it done-- adding to the suggestion that The Book of Life is not actually a thing.
Complicating matters is that, for their own safety, Beez and Gabriel are gone by this point in the story-- and Gabriel has his memories back. If Gabriel had still been in the bookshop at this point, he could have made it clear that Michael didn't have the power to do that and he might have also been able to tell Crowley and Aziraphale that The Book of Life isn't real, provided he knew the truth about it. One of the reasons to pull Gabriel from the story prior to this, from a writing standpoint, would be to take away a character who could provide Crowley with that knowledge because the point of Crowley having been panicked about it all season is to lead to it affecting how he views the events in this episode and the plan he makes and tries to convey to Aziraphale in the pivotal "no nightingales" scene. You could argue one of the reasons to wait so long for Gabriel to get his memories back in the story is for this purpose-- any sooner and there would have been time to tell Crowley the truth and then you wouldn't have Crowley trying to save Aziraphale from non-existence in 2.06 by suggesting the only thing he can think of that might keep that from happening (which we'll look at in another meta about that scene.)
Because "The Metatron" shuts Michael up about The Book of Life, Aziraphale puts it on simmer in the back of his mind because, as he goes with "The Metatron", he has other, more devilish, concerns on his mind. There is evidence in 2.06 to suggest that, by the time he's come back to the shop after talking with "The Metatron", that he's pretty convinced that there is a strong possbility that this is really Satan and that he could be falling/about to fall.
He tries to convey this to Crowley but Crowley is not only blocked from seeing it because Satan can influence him-- like he did to prompt Crowley into identifying him as The Metatron-- but because Crowley still thinks the bigger threat is The Book of Life. He's still worried that he can't trust his own mind and that Beez was correct. In reality, though, all of the bells and whistles and noise about The Book of Life serves as a distraction from the real threat, which is Aziraphale falling. This influences what plan Crowley comes up with a bit while Aziraphale is with "The Metatron" because his motivation is to keep Aziraphale from being written out of existence.
Now, sure, it's possible that Heaven went and invented The Book of Life and made it a real weapon after it had just originally been a thing Beez and Crowley made up but if you look at what it's supposed to do, it's easy to see how unlikely that actually is. Why?
Because Heaven is a fascist regime run by The Metatron so the goal is always for him to maintain control over his little empire thing here and Extreme Sanctions? It's actually the exact opposite of that. We all know about the butterfly effect-- the idea that a single butterfly flapping its wings in one moment of time, if altered, would cause a ripple effect of other things to be altered that basically changes the course of the known universe, right? If Heaven really were to make it so that even just one of their angels were made to have never existed at all, they've essentially created a parallel universe. While those might likely exist, actively making them is not at all the goal of a character like The Metatron, who has a hard enough time keeping his own regime in line in this present universe.
There's also the question of the fact that this would be erasing one of God's creations in a way that reverses Her decision to have ever created them in the first place and I highly, highly doubt that The Metatron actually has the power to do that, let alone any of the other angels. That feels very "only God could ever do this and She has no desire to" to me.
Beyond that, there's how Crowley phrased it to Beez: "It's just something we used to joke about to frighten the cherubs."
On a show with language this deliberate and that uses the etymological histories of words as part of telling its story, it seems worth pointing out that the origin of the word 'joke' is basically wordplay itself. This would seem like a suggestion to look at the wordplay that sits there in the phrase "Extreme Sanctions" because this very dark-sounding thing can also have a more positive connotation.
While sanctions are a penalty imposed for breaking a rule or an agreement or a law, to sanction something can have one of two extremely different meanings. One is to enforce the penalties we're talking about but the other is the exact opposite of that-- it's to give an official stamp of approval for an action.
Those who are helping keep Gabriel safe from The Metatron in S2 are threatened with "Extreme Sanctions" by Heaven... as in extreme punishment... but they'll likely be met with extreme sanctions by God... as in, God approves of them working together to protect Gabriel and of the actions they'll take as a result of what they learn by doing so.
God's like great job, you guys, extreme sanctions for real, keep it up, now go free the others 👍👍👍make it happen, make it real, kids, let's fucking go... it's not coincidental that I sent you the angel whose name means "messenger" to tell you that I'm giving this whole plot some extreme sanctions here...
You want to erase someone from The Book of Life? Ironically, from what we've seen, besides God, only Crowley himself could probably do that because doing so would alter the makeup of the universe he created and completed with Aziraphale's help.
This is the literal Book of Life:
#ineffable husbands#good omens#good omens meta#crowley#aziraphale#aziracrow#good omens 2#good omens theory#good omens speculation#lord beezlebub#the archangel fucking gabriel#the metatron#michael good omens
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i started talking about this in the tags of a reblog of this fantastic post, and then i was like, ok this isn't that related, i need another post.
but i feel like one of the defining differences between li xiangyi/li lianhua and di feisheng are how they handle their own roles in the narrative.
di feisheng knows that someone has to be the bad guy, regardless of if it's an accurate reflection of them or not. he knows what his role in this narrative is, he knows how people see him, and he knows what they expect from him. and most of the time he doesn't care enough to challenge them on it, because he knows the role that he plays, and he believes that the people who know him, the people he cares about, will know better than that.
and—as we know—this bites him in the ass over and over, and he's hurt by it every time. everyone misunderstands him: li xiangyi, who believed he would have shan gudao killed, would break their treaty, would poison li xiangyi; jiao liqiao, who believed he just wanted to win at any cost; yao mo, who believed that the point was the fight. li lianhua, who even at the end, doesn't understand—or won't accept—that the what di feisheng wanted him to fight for was to survive.
li xiangyi knows he's the hero, but he doesn't understand that it's a role he's playing. he thinks it's an accurate reflection of himself and of how people see him, and he trusts that people who know him will understand that. they'll see his choices through that lens: he's not impulsive, he's decisive; he's not too trusting, he's loyal.
and—again, as we know—this bites him in the ass over and over, and—again—he's hurt by it every time. shan gudao sees him not as a hero, but a challenger, a threat. the martial world saw him as so blinded by his affection for shan gudao that no one dared tell him of the rumours that shan gudao was searching for descendants of nanyin. his friends saw him as competitive or willful or hubristic.
discovering this is so painful that it breaks him. it shatters his self image completely—li xiangyi is no longer in this world, indeed, because li xiangyi never existed the way that he thought he did.
and then we have li lianhua, who thinks he finally understands, and has that turned on its head over and over again. who thought he was a lone wanderer, but is surrounded by people who love him. who thought he was here to avenge his shixiong, but is the one to kill him. who thought he was going to save the empire, but is the one person who could destroy it. who thought the only way he could protect people was by leaving them, but never stops to wonder what his absence does to them.
li lianhua, who thought the most he had to offer anyone was his death, but never allowed himself to see how desperately his friends wanted him to live.
#mysterious lotus casebook#di feisheng#li lianhua#li xiangyi#anyhow never will i ever not be obsessed with narrative foils and parallels i guess#feeling super normal over here
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I know nothing about 911 but seeing all the bucktommy posts makes me really interested, if you don’t mind could you give a short introduction of the ship/which episode(s) to watch for them? Thanks!!
Hi! So the ship is a very new one and they don't have a lot of screen time yet, so their relationship only appears in season seven, episodes: 7x3 to 7x6 and then 7x9 and 7x10. Tommy Kinard as a side character also shows up in episodes 2x9, 2x12, 2x14 (in an off-screen capacity) and 2x16.
As for the introduction, the lore with this show runs sort of deep, but as condensed and simplified as I can give it to you: the decision to introduce bi!Buck and Tommy and his love interest was made very last minute (like as the first few episodes of season seven were coming out kind of last minute...) as the tv show switched networks from FOX to ABC and was working with a protracted season, (10 episodes in stead if 18), so this first season you see them together in has a very "let's see how well this works and if the general audience approves of it" kind of vibe.
Obviously, it worked for me! And the general reception has been good. Personally, I find their dynamic fun and genuine; the show runner was aiming for a non-heavy coming out story with a romcom twist, which a think they succeeded at. Buck (or "Evan" as Tommy calls him) is sort of the obvious favourite of the show in the audience and the writer's eyes, he's gotten a lot of development over the years, but has stagnanted recently on the romance side of things and also in his professional development, (which is partly the fault of the writers and partly just bad luck with maintaining actors). So I think a lot of fans are excited to see him "off the hamster wheel", as they say, in the love department. This opens up the possibility to explore other plot lines with him as a character in his professional life and personal life now that hes in a steady relationship.
Tommy we don't know much about yet, other than he was deeply in the closet when we first see him in the season 2 flash-back episodes. He's not initially a very warm, welcoming, and accepting person, but it's implied that a lot of that behavior was influenced by his environment and poor upbringing and he is quick to make amends and befriend the main characters when he's shown to be in the wrong. He used to be in the army, and is a fan of cars, martial arts, and rom coms. The way he talks in the season seven episodes makes it clear that he's done a lot of self reflection since we've last seen him (and since he's come out). He's shown to be an open and honest person who does his best to show up for the people he cares for, and once Buck is in his line of sight, all that attention is turned his way.
I think with this ship what people are most excited about is the potential it demonstrates: Buck as a character is someone who's been on an aggressive misson of self discovery and understanding, he's been actively looking for a romantic partner to have a committed, mature relationship with, he's someone who's willing to give a lot of himself away to his partner and is desperately hoping to have that attention and affection mirrored back at him.
What little we know about Tommy so far makes it clear that he's mature and willing enough to be that person for Buck: if it works out and the writers allow him to be. I just really enjoy what little I've seen so far, and with the show being back to its regular 18 episodes next season and Tommy pretty much confirmed to return, I'm interested and invested and hopefully in where they may take this relationship next.
Also I feel like I need to add if you're going to engage with the fandom specifically for this ship, do it through the #bucktommy tag on tumblr, because it's a real mine field out there right now, lol.
#bucktommy#asks#sorry I'm wine drunk i hope this makes sense#also I'm fairly new to this fandom so if anyone wants to add extra context feel free#I'm juat very good at digesting information and love to rubber neck and used to work in tv production#911#i will edit this in the morning 🤦🏼♂️
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𝐀𝐔𝐆𝐔𝐒𝐓. | 𝐗𝐈𝐀𝐎
— when your greatest love throws itself at you at a time you’re not meant for it, do you risk it all, or keep your peace?
content/warnings: romance, angst, best friends to lovers, mutual pining, unrequited love (misunderstanding), emotional cheating, has a timeskip, modern au. unedited.
Deep into August, the sun extends its arms over the horizon to caress your bare legs. Your arm is thrown across your face to shield you from the sun, the narrowed eyes contrasting with the equally blinding grin you wore. Toes curled into the sand, you buried yourself deeper into the lap of the person as grim as the dark shades he wore, a handsome frown visible on his agitated face. You couldn’t help but smile wider and reach up to pluck the shades from his nose, appreciating that he accompanied you to the beach despite being uncomfortable with crowds.
“Xiao?”
“What?”
“Am I deep winter or smooth spring?”
Brows furrowing, he licks his lower lip before closing his book, the tip of his index finger squeezed between the pages. Sweat trickled down his skin, sure to have the ink staining his damp fingers until the words slowly tattooed itself onto his skin. Sitting up, you steal his free hand into yours and watch as Xiao’s gaze zeroes on your fingers looping through his, cheeks tinted red either from the heat or your gesture.
“You’re summer August, and I’m deep winter,” he answers vaguely, retracting his hand before shielding his eyes with the shades sat at your lap. “Does that answer your question?”
“It does, but I have another one. Why am I summer August?”
Xiao’s nose scrunched–a rather adorable sight, if you were asked. “You’re warm. If the color yellow or orange became a person, it would’ve been you. Bright. Radiant,” the concentration on his face mirrored the ones he wore when working. You wish he’d relax a little bit on your rare day off’s–the sun is out, children are laughing around, and there’s a nearby shaved ice stand; everything is beautiful in this moment but you can’t find it in yourself to reprimand Xiao’s stoicism.
There’s warmth pooling in his eyes, one you only witness when you’re in his presence.
It makes your heart skip a beat until it comes tumbling down the hill of unrealistic thoughts over the hopeless desire that maybe one day, he’ll like you back.
“Stop looking at me like that.”
Smirking, you wiggle your eyebrows and tease him. “Like what?”
“I don’t know! You look weird, like... like–”
“Like I want to absolutely kiss you right now?” Because you did. His cute little hat sits on top of his head so endearingly that you so badly want to take a picture. You want to stare at him a little longer, admire the redness spreading from his nose to his cheeks, watch the way his lower lip curls into his mouth each time he gets flustered, and burn the image of him at the back of your brain.
Xiao, your best friend since the first August of university, and the man you’ve always foolishly pined for despite his constant rejection.
Still, you trail around him like a lost puppy, ignoring his confused yet shy stares each time you announced your presence, and basically decided that you were now going to be his friend, which is the best decision of your life. Xiao isn’t someone you needed to get out of his shell; you had to learn how to enjoy the silence of his life, and respect it.
It’s entirely contradictory to your summer August bumbling self. You’re clumsy where he is always ready to catch you. He’s firm when you are swaying side to side after enjoying too many mimosas from the beach bar. He’s quiet and forever gentle in tucking you under the covers before pressing a kiss to your forehead, and you think of how his lips are summer August hot when it comes to contact with your skin. You think about the young man who sees himself as deep winter, clad in the knitted sweaters you had given him as a gift walk through your door, and hesitantly looks around as if he hasn’t been here a hundred times before.
Where he is deep winter and stiff as a rock when you dance with him under the Christmas lights, you’re the bonfire easing him to relax his muscles, and just enjoy the beat. “We look silly dancing,” he says, then follows up on how he doesn’t like being less of what he deems proper.
But he dances. He twirls you and smiles whilst you laugh, cuts the cheese and swirls the wine in the glass while you drunkenly send him flying kisses – you’re as passionate as he is emotionally numb, and he is the muted version of all your raging emotions.
Whereas you are the definite yes, he is the hesitant no.
“Xiao.”
“If you’re going to tell me you love me again, thank you. I love you too, but you’ve been babbling it non-stop for the entire night. I think I get your point.”
“Do you?” you giggle, mouth hid behind your hand before you grow more serious, head tilted to the side. “Do you truly? If I said I love you right now, and I’ve always been in love with you, are you still going to reject me?”
Xiao’s frown deepens even more. “There’s nothing to be loved about me.” “There’s plenty.”
“Maybe that’s just you,” he shrugs nonchalantly, “The familiarity of having me around might be confusing you. We’re best friends, but that’s all there is. I don’t really see any logical reason for you to develop such deep, sincere feelings for me when I’m not even an ideal lover, so if I were to reject you, it’s not because I don’t want you. A relationship with me would just ruin our friendship, and...”
“Complicate things?”
“Complicate things, yeah.”
“But would you let me love you?”
He doesn’t respond right away. He mulls over it–you can tell by the slight pinch of his brow, the way his back droops down as he stares at the ground as if to ask himself if he’s even worthy of the affection you badly wanted to give him. The only problem is he doesn’t see this. Not just with you, but with everyone else. Xiao is deep winter; reclusive, cold, unaffectionate. It’s impossible for him to see himself the way you do.
“I think you’re drunk, so I don’t take you seriously,” is his response after several beats, hooking his arms under your armpits to guide you back into your room. “Sleep it out. Then we’ll talk.”
You never have that talk. The unspoken words hang like the mistletoe in the air which Xiao deliberately ignores. Head hung low, lips pursed and pale as if locks held back the truth he wished to convey and begged to set free. But Xiao was the living epitome of self restraint–he quietly slithers next to you in bed instead when he thinks you’re asleep, unaware that you’ve steadied your breathing through the drunken haze–and says nothing else.
No I love you’s like you wish to hear.
But there goes his face slowly moving next to yours, his lips pressed at the top of your hair as his gentle hands reach for the blanket to cover your chest. Arms snaking through your waist to hold you close when close is not close enough, and the space does nothing but grow wider the harder your heart yearns, you begin to close your eyes.
This moment will not last. Moments are called such for they are fleeting and experienced shortly, yet lives on forever in faulty memories that eventually fades away. So you clutch it and engrave it to your bone–the shape of his body next to yours, the foolish hopes tying you to a future where it couldn’t exist–and desperately hope that you get to keep at least this minute where you feel his heart caged with yours.
And when his side of the bed (your bed, truthfully, but he’ll always have a place next to you) grows cold in the middle of the night, and his shoes disappears besides yours on the porch, the true winter begins and August ebbs away.
The ice melts.
Not a peep could be heard in the deep winter. There’s nothing but warmth emanating from the remnants of his vulnerability, which for once, you liked to believe he also feels the same way even when he’s not yours.
You believe people will always have that love which never comes for them no matter how hard you chase for it. You could go to the ends of the earth, bang on someone’s door, go down on your knees and make promises of the happiness you can ensure, but all is useless when the house is empty. There is nobody to open the door. No one to welcome you when you walk through the space, or arms to fall into after a long day. The lavatory would be too spacious for a single person when it could fit two pairs of hips standing next to each other as you brush your teeth together.
But there is Thoma, and the house has never been more brightly lit than you’ve ever seen it. It doesn’t have to be Christmas deep in winter when fairy lights are strewn everywhere, giving a magical aura to an even more stunning home decorated by framed photographs of you and him on walls like you were his proudest memory. And you are.
From the moment you’ve met Thoma, it’s been summer all year throughout. His kisses are heated as they are honey-like. The words he spoke are like poetry blotted in brown paper with the promise of a lip stain on a napkin corner. He is perfect and real, and loves you more than you could ever imagine yourself to be loved, and you are getting married.
Wedding preparations, amidst its chaos and stress inducing events, felt fulfilling. You and Thoma would be occupied day and night planning things to perfection, followed by a kiss on the cheek to reassure you nothing had to be extravagant if you wouldn’t prefer it. You’re already perfect, your fiancé would whisper between exchanged breaths, there’s nothing you need to worry about. But his efforts leave the opposite effect when your fingers land on a certain invitation printed with a name that has been echoing in your head for years.
Cruel as it may be, you begin to wonder if you’ve fully mourned the loss of someone who has never been yours.
“Wow. You’re getting married.”
“Yeah, I am.
Before you, your best friend, Xiao sits. He’s clad in a suit, all firm lines smoothed into perfection with every move of his muscle as he leant back in his seat.
You couldn’t fathom the emotions flittering through his handsome face. A pinch of the brow, his lower lip jutting out, index finger anxiously tapping at the table as if to call your attention to the empty finger just a space beside it. And truly, you’re as cruel as you can be, hiding your uncontrollable smile by ducking your chin at the thought he’s been unmarried this entire time.
“I… I didn’t know you were dating, but congratulations. I’m happy for you.”
“Thank you,” you respond almost robotically, since everyone seems to repeat the same phrase over and over again until it got tiring. “I would really love if you were our best man. Thoma’s best friend, Ayato, was the original best man but I requested if it could be you instead since the maid of honors are already Thoma and Ayato’s friends. It would’ve been nice if I could have you there.”
Xiao offers a tight lipped smile. The years that have passed start to show in his face, yet his beauty only sinks deeper within his bones. Shoulders broad enough with the strength to carry the entire world from it, lips thin and perhaps just as soft as you envision if you’ve only ever kissed it – seeing him again after how long felt surreal. Unfathomable. So much has changed, yet you still stayed the same. Fighting the urge to giggle like a schoolgirl whenever your crush was in your presence, and him being completely oblivious to your affection.
The only difference now is that you’re to be wed, and for the first time ever, Xiao looks mildly displeased at something you say. “Sure, of course. I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”
Your gut tells you he doesn’t mean it. Thoma’s face disappears for a moment at the back of your mind, and your belly churns as you lean forward. You shouldn’t be prying into other people’s lives when you’re about to spend your entire one with another. It’s common sense, yet you’ve not always been the brightest when you smile up at him fondly again, heart aching beneath your clothes it became difficult to breathe.
All because your silly heart still longs for the one person you can’t have.
“So how have you been?” is nothing but a silly excuse of tell me everything I missed. Let’s condense the years into this few minutes the universe allows us before the time stops ticking and we need to part our separate ways again. Tell me, from the slightest detail of your most mundane day, and I’ll listen.
“The same as always. I’m doing just fine.”
“Are you happy?”
“I’m content.”
“Those two things are different.”
Xiao shakes his head in amusement; you still haven’t gotten rid of that stubborn head sititng between your shoulders. “Not much has changed about me or my life, Y/N. There’s nothing exciting to tell,” one of his shoulders lift in a shrug before he gestures to you, “You’re getting married, though, and I didn’t hear or see this coming at all. It sounds like you have more stories to tell than I do.”
“I’ve always tried telling you about Thoma, you were just… busy. All the time.”
You were never there, but Thoma was. Resentment and hurt leaves a bitter taste in your tongue that Thoma’s sugary lips could barely coat them between kisses.
“We’re grown adults. We both have jobs. You understand my line of work is demanding and I can’t give you dating advice whenever you need it. Not to mention, I’m not the best to approach for those kinds of things considering my lack of experience.”
“I wasn’t going to ask for that, I just wanted to talk to my best friend.”
Xiao takes a moment to study your face. Pursing his lips, he gives you an apologetic smile. “I’m sorry. I should’ve made more time for you.”
Silence hangs in the air. So much time has been wasted–you’ve graduated university, established your own careers, and have had your fair share of meeting and leaving people who come into your life. Xiao, on the other hand, simply drifted off into thin air. Hanging out at the beach no longer seemed like a possible occurrence when it’s been tradition, and you eventually had to get used to being left on delivered. There’s a magnanimous amount of gaps left in between these spaces, and you want to be greedy. You want him to be in every page you’ve written, every ending you’ve created, if only he was there. But he wasn’t. Thoma was, and he’s colored your canvas in colors you haven’t seen before when your summer August only knew the silence of deep winter.
The what if’s linger deep until it settles onto the blank snow, blanketing you both with the thoughts of what could’ve been if Xiao had only replied to your texts one by one.
Would Thoma have remained in your life? Would you be getting married to someone you never expected to meet? Would you have slowly forgotten what the beach looked like since there’s no point digging your feet in the sand when you didn’t have Xiao who constantly nagged you to stay still?
All these rhetorical questions, and Xiao still manages to take you aback when he chuckles to himself, the sound dry and exhausted. The shoulders who carried the weight of the world sags in defeat. “You know, it’s funny. I always imagined I’d be marrying you.”
The world crashes. The café you met up in goes silent, the people moving about rooting frozen from their spots yet your tea goes cold from the forever of beats that passed between words.
“What?”
“I remember you were always teasing me when we were younger. I thought it was cute, and I often dreamed that we’d end up together, but now you’re getting married and it’s far from everything I expected,” glancing at your engagement ring and the invitation letter sitting hauntingly between you, Xiao falters in his words. “But… I am happy for you. I can’t be happier now that I know you’re with a good man.”
“What… how… how can you say that, Xiao? Do you really have no idea how much I love you?”
“What do you mean?” he laughs nervously, “You were messing around back then.”
“I wasn’t. I meant every word I said.”
Shrugging, he looks down at his coffee with a frown so forlorn he embodies deep winter with not a warm body around to keep him company. “None of it matters now, does it? You are to be married, and I’ll go back to living my life once this all passes.”
“Passes? You think everything is that easy?”
“I don’t know what you want me to do, Y/N. Our feelings are exactly just that; feelings. They’ll come and go,” Xiao reassures, but it sounds like he’s trying to convince himself more than you. “You’re about to be married, and I want nothing but for you to be happy. Thoma is the kindest man you’ll ever meet so you’ll live a great life. You don’t need to look at me like that–you haven’t lost a thing.”
You haven’t lost a thing.
Not at all. How could you ever lose something you were never quite certain was yours to begin with? But now, it rested at the palm of your hands. Curled up like an innocent creature soaking up the warmth of your fingers until you’d been bled dry and iced to the bone, the rhythm of your heart bringing back to life what had never been dead, rather frozen in time.
“If it’s meant to pass, then why have I been in love with you for as long as I can remember?”
“Hey, welcome home!” Thoma greets the moment you enter your shared apartment, helping you get rid of your boots and hang your coat while you stare at the ground numbly. “How was your meeting with your friend? Did everything go well? Come tell me all about it through dinner–I made your favorite.”
You lean against the wall for support.
Your life is perfect. Every sane person would die for what you have: a loving, handsome fiancé who comes home early everyday to cook the food he knows you like, a cozy place to spend forever in, the scent of almond tofu screaming home and comfort. And then there’s Thoma, eagerly setting up the table and taking a chair for you when he notices you standing idly by the doorway, his smile creasing into worry as you swallow audibly.
He could tell from just one look of your face that tonight isn’t as good as he hoped. “Thoma…”
He’s beside you in the blink of an eye. Wrapping you in his strong arms, your fiancé rubs his hand up and down your back, easing you as the tears release like a broken damn. “Oh, darling, what’s wrong?”
“Thoma, there’s something I need to tell you,” you pull back, using the hem of your sleeves to wipe away the tears. He’s so beautiful, so kind that you couldn’t have possibly have the heart to hurt him. But your heart belongs to someone else, and you can’t lie to an honest man. He deserves the truth and the truth you tell, nails digging at your thighs as each word that comes out of your mouth drives a knife deeper into his soul. You tell him how you’ve never moved on from a summer love, from an eternal longing, to this craving of a person who left a hole in your heart in which only they could fill.
And you can’t do anything except let Thoma take a step back from you, furiously blinking back the tears that threatened to push through. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”
Thoma sniffles. “Hey,” he tilts your chin up, warm eyes glistening.
The sight of him, so forgiving even without his words, still so gentle in the way he caresses your cheeks like you hadn’t just stomped on his heart a thousand times nearly made you question if you’re doing the right thing. You wait for it, the hesitance, the slight skip of your heart signaling when a bad decision was to be made, yet there’s none. Nothing but silence lingers at the back of your mind now that Xiao’s face lingers as it has been since the day you learn to love a little more and hope a little less.
“I’ve always known.”
“What…?”
“At the back of my mind, I always knew there must be someone else. You always felt so… distant. You didn’t quite see me in the times you looked at me, and I wondered if you were imagining someone else before you. I won’t deny that I’m hurt and it would take me a while to recover, but you’ve seen me, Y/N,” delicately, he slips off the ring off his fingers and tucks it into your palm, hidden and stored away for eternity like a promise meant to be broken. “This is the first time you’ve let me meet you as you are. So go to him; I won’t hold you back.”
Bringing your fist to your lips, you attempt to muffle your sobs. “I-if you knew the whole time, why did you p-propose to me?”
Thoma smiles, his eyes crinkling. “I love you, and I hoped you felt the same.” “But what about us?”
“Don’t worry about that anymore,” he rises to his feet, his car keys spinning around his finger as he turns to you with a bright, wistful grin. “What are you waiting for? Let’s go find your best friend.”
He doesn’t need to say more before you’re reaching for his outstretched hand, the gesture as familiar as breathing and your hand fitting perfectly with Thoma’s. You hold on extra tight when you beam up at him, both from disappointment and excitement, the both of you aware this is going to be the last time you’d ever hold each other this close. So you hold onto him for dear life as he opens the car door for you, revs the engine like you’re running out of time and perhaps you are, because Xiao always seems to be slipping through your fingertips and you’re not deep August under the blazing heat of the sun anymore.
It’s deep winter. The snow is getting thicker with each passing minute, the road covered in white until the snow begins to flake in your lashes when you step out the car.
Xiao lingers outside his apartment, his breath coming out in small, heated puffs with his brows knitted in thought. When he hears the crunching of your boots, his head spins to your direction, eyes wide at the breathless figure of you. “You,” he breathes out, blinking aghast as Thoma leans over the car door with a supportive smile. He pieces two and two together, and laughs in disbelief. “You’re insane–”
“Xiao, I’m in love with you. I always have been, but now I don’t want to let you go now that I know what you feel. You… you’re all I ever wanted. I couldn’t possibly imagine what my life would be like without you.”
His lips thin. It’s enough to make your heart lose hope again–you’ve seen this scenario happen to you before, how he shuts himself off the world after convincing himself he’s not worth the affection and love people give him. He calls himself names, degrades himself into a smaller, lesser being who’d be best off alone before people realize he’s not as great as people make it out to be. The solace of never seeing people frown at him has been the only way he’s ever known life, but you ever so lovingly smiling up at him since the day you met makes him feel this is a risk he can take.
Maybe now, it’s time to let his walls crumble and let the ice thaw, to let deep August bring warmth to his life.
Studying your ring-free finger, Xiao lets his shoulders drop before crushing you into an embrace. “You’re too damn stubborn, you know that?” he rasps into your ear, and you wrap your arms around him, the biting cold making it painful to cry–the world’s own way of telling you there should be no gloom on the day you’ve always been waiting for. “You forced your way into my heart and I don’t think I can ever close it for you again.”
“Don’t you dare,” you sniffle into his shoulders, “I’m staying with you until you don’t want me anymore.”
Xiao knows he’s never said it before. Every night, he tosses and turns in his sleep, replaying the memories of his youth where he rejects your not-so subtle confessions of love. Even as he grows older and his eyes grow more weary, there’s still that young man inside of him hoping it’s real. He runs away and hides in little corners in hopes he’d get you off his mind. Too afraid of the hurt love might bring, and this is the first time he can confidently say, “I’m not going anywhere. I stay right where you are.”
#xiao x reader#xiao x you#xiao x y/n#genshin impact x reader#genshin impact fluff#genshin impact angst#xiao x reader angst#xiao x reader fluff#xiao x you angst#thoma x reader#thoma x reader angst#xiao angst#xiao fluff#xiao x you romance#genshin impact xiao x reader#genshin impact x reader angst#genshin impact x reader fluff#thoma x you#thoma x y/n#yayy my first genshin impact fic
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God I have so many thoughts about this one. It's going to consume me for the next 2-3 business days.
First of all, Colin is looking FINE. The tousled hair, the open shirt, the relaxed way he's wearing the dress coat. The man is RELAXED. Every time we saw him at home or when he was with his family (the exception being Violet told him Penelope was about to get engaged), he was very buttoned up and dressed properly. He was so tense and wearing his armor. Now, with Penelope, he has shed the armor and he's physically and mentally relaxed. The man has zero worries right now (rip).
Then we have the crinkled up paper? HE IS WRITING!!! Did Penelope motivate him to revisit his journals? Was he inspired to go through them and start editing them because he has the support and love of Pen? He's finally inspired and motivated and can finally be the nerdy loser self he always was. <3
Now, Eloise. I wouldn't be surprised if this is from episode 5, maybe the day after they announced their engagement. I've seen some people speculate she might be trying to tell him Pen is LW. I don't think she's there yet as she's given Pen an ultimatum and I believe El would honor that. What I'm guessing is that she's trying to sus out whether or not Pen hoodwinked him into proposing. Or trying to see how he really feels about Pen. I love Eloise but she's not the most observant person. Her best friend for years was in love with her brother and she had zero inkling. So, to her, the engagement probably seems completely out of left field. Colin never once showed a romantic interest in Pen before (in her eyes. and this goes back to the idea that no one ever considered Penelope a viable love interest for Colin. Like HELLO? How anyone could write off his yearning is beyond me. The ton are a bunch of idiots), so clearly Pen may have done something to force his hand. I'm hoping this is where he tells Eloise that he wants to marry Penelope and that he came to this decision all on his own and to please respect my wife, thank you very much.
(bless you, Eloise, but that man was literally on his knees in front of Pen begging her to love him)
Colin and Eloise are such an interesting pair and I'm looking forward to seeing how their dynamic evolves in part 2. In the book, these two were always super close so it's fun to see that translate into the show. Eloise cares about Colin and I have a feeling she's going to do something that forces Colin to firmly tell her to back off. Luke and Claudia have such natural chemistry and play off each other so well, it's going to be fun watching them.
Basically, I'm excited for any scene where Colin tells anyone and everyone how amazing Penelope is and how he is stupidly in love with her.
#whoops I wrote a novel#I can't help myself I'm feeling so much about this one picture!#part 2 needs to hurry up#bridgerton#Colin bridgerton#spoilers
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Love reading your takes. I like the way you think. Keep them coming.
Sorry for being negative, but my biggest fear is that since Eddie’s coming arc as been stop twice before, it’s hard to believe it’s still coming. I fear that now they have Bi Buck, they won’t trouble themselves with Eddie.
The way the left Eddie at the end of the season, there is so much they can do with him in the upcoming season. I just hope they take the chance to tell his story which would be so impactful to a lot of people and feels natural to his character. To be honest, I don’t know what else they can do, if they keep throwing woman at him, they have literally shown it’s not working.
You can see the way the tune changed in the middle of the season with those interviews. Is it because they know they got a renewal or they completely put the brake to 'buddie'?
I’ll keep hoping for the best. Tptb, please surprise me. Season 8 will make or break it. I don't see people staying past season 8 if nothing significant happens. I'm pretty sure they know, but why be so afraid. Argh ..
From an Eddie fan that’s fed up with the way they treat his character.
Hey Nonny! Thank you for the lovely compliment. I'm just another fan with some opinions, but I'm glad you like reading about them so much.
No no, I get it. I do. I get the negativity. They were so close to finally going where the story has always been going and then they backed off in the middle of the season. Even the interviews changed. It was clear that Oliver wasn't pleased with the way things were going bts either. And I have the feeling Ryan wasn't happy either. Every single interview he had to think about what he was saying and if it wasn't too much against Buddie, but also not too much pro Buddie. It was hard to see him struggle so much. That's probably why some of these interviews contradicted each other as well.
I really do believe they changed the timeline of the story when they heard about the renewal of the show. They realised they could take their time to give Eddie's coming out story the screentime it deserved. However, now they had to find a way to get Eddie to a place where he would have nothing left. No Chris, no ghost Shannon hanging over his head, no girlfriend... just him and his thoughts. This is the first time in life that Eddie is on his own and it's going to lead to some big time self-reflection.
The consequence of the decision to push the Eddie storyline to season 8 is of course Buck now being stuck in this stale relationship with Tommy.
I have read the interviews Ryan has given after the finale and they do fill me with hope and -dare I say- confidence? The way he talks about Eddie's upcoming struggle and journey very much reads as someone realising they're not as straight as they thought they were. He also stopped talking about Eddie being 'hetero' and started using a lot of gender neutral terms when he talks about a possible future partner for Eddie. So yeah, that is a very good sign to me. A feel like a switch has been flipped now and he is more certain where the story is going.
I agree that it would be the most natural way to explore Eddie's character. He has always been queer-coded, since day one. In my opinion even more than Buck. I was always more convinced of Eddie's queerness than of Buck's. So yeah, it is definitely the best, if not the only, way to go with his character.
And yes, I agree again, if there is no progress in Eddie's storyline and he is once again waylaid, keeping him locked up in that closet, put into another dead relationship with yet another female love interest, put through pain again for no reason whatsoever? A lot of people will give up on the show as a whole. Tired and exhausted that Eddie once again was the victim of bad writing. And if they dare to keep Buck in a relationship with Tommy? They will lose even more viewers.
I myself will retreat back into fanon-land where Buck and Eddie will be happy together forever. I might keep on watching the show from afar, only the parts that interest me. Basically because I love Eddie so much and I only want the best for him. I also love all the other characters and I want to see what happens to them. So I don't think I could give up on the show completely.
However, I really don't think it will have to come to that. I don't know for sure of course, but I do know that this time the odds are in our favour and we have a really good chance to get exactly what we wanted for years now: Eddie coming out in season 8 and eventually, when the dust is settled, Buddie.
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ok this is so self-indulgent that yall are gonna run me off my blog but
au where obi-wan hosts fancy wine&dinner parties, as he’s a renowned chef and retired sommelier (wine expert). the theme of this party is for everyone to bring a bottle of wine and a food that they think will pair well with the tasting notes in their chosen wine, and be prepared to explain their choices to the rest of the dinner-goers.
when anakin (invited by padmé, currently in grad school, easily the youngest and dirtiest person to have ever sat on obi-wan’s nice leather settee) shows up with a bottle of wine that still has the price tag on it ($13 for a “maker’s red mix”) and a bag of flaming hot cheetos, obi-wan knows they’re absolutely going to have hate sex about it
then anakin gets up for his turn to explain his choice and he bullshits so fantastically well, using all the words he just heard these upper class bougie snobs say and using them correctly, that obi-wan is genuinely actually impressed.
oh they’re still going to have hate sex, 100%, but now obi-wan respects the man enough to make him breakfast in the morning
(it’s eggs benedict florentine with house-made hollandaise sauce and freshly baked english muffins obi-wan got up early to bake, and halfway through poaching the final egg he looks over and anakin is leaning against his counter, eating granola by the handful out of the bag as he watches)
#kit's silly lil aus#obikin#wine party au#also 100% night ends when anakin spills/(throws?) his red wine onto obi-wan's white cashmere sweater#and then gets cheeto fingerprints all over his light khakis#and obi-wan is torn between eithre killing this man or bedding him#but decision time is NOW#also padme is a professor of psychology at anakin's school#she absolutely brought him to this dinner party to see what would happen when anakin met obi-wan#free psychological experiment#also this is self indulgent because i love these parties#like they're just so fun#because people (when they're not snobby rich assholes)#bring the wildest pairings#like franzia and steak frites or something#or barefoot and hot cheetos#and they have to bullshit their way through an explanaton#and it's just really funny
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lmao sorry to keep this going but. tim absolutely had it the easiest of the bat kids, not even a discussion. he had a cushy, priviledged life with parents that actually cared about him, and fanon going uwu poor sad little rich boy so so so neglected and abused... GIRL?!?! cass got the shit kicked out of her till she became the best fighter in the world, and she was homeless for nearly a decade after that and yet often feels like shes the one comforting tim ("""little brother uwu""")
I get you I think it is just frustrating when people try so hard to give Tim the back story Cass already has and then processeds to either not include cass completely or just make her a bland cardboard cutout of a character that's only job in any story is to support which ever male white lead is currently crying
#ask#anon#Like I said frustrating#Tim having an okay privileged childhood does not take away from his character#It just explains alot about how he acts#And the type of trails he has to go through#Like there's something to be said that Tim's the only Robin that really didn't need to become Robin#He went out of his way to ruin his own life#Tim took all his experiences of writing self insert fanfics#To real life practical use#He said fuck it#If my parents won't sell me to batman I'll sell myself to batman#And then he spent the next 10 years realising why that was probably a bad idea#Absolute king of bad decision#We love to see it
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I knew legit nothing about paper girls going into it but I love it so much?? I’m having a great time
#I love Mac like sweet babe finally finding a healthy family that she loves and having to leave so they don’t get killed :/#I love tiff the way she’s no nonsense and so smart but so fragile too#I love kj so much just everything about this child I love she’s so good#and Erin seeing how she ends up and trying to navigate how her expectations don’t materialise and respect her older self for the decisions#she made I’m ahhhhhhh#and the fact that the whole time it’s blatantly obvious they’re 12???? not being forced to grow up no hyper sexualisation no focus on#relationships it gets the balance so right and I love it for that#(I’m only half way through but this is true so far and even if developments happen I don’t think it’ll change the overall vibe of the show#which is what I’m loving)#paper girls#kiera talks tv
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luther: the golden child
diego: the mastermind
allison: the peace keeper
klaus: the clown / mascot
five: the rebel / truth teller
ben: the lost child
viktor: the scapegoat
is this something i think this is something
#the umbrella academy#rani makes text posts no one will read#hargreeves siblings#ben being the lost child is kind of forced bc he’s dead but i find it interesting even then#bc ben was unique in the family for already hating being a superhero and his powers due to the horror of them. and however it is he died#it had to be horrific bc viktor doesn’t write about it in his book bc five doesn’t know what happened. and before he died ben’s unique self#awareness seems to have meant they all loved him in a normal way only for his death to poison those bonds completely#so through no decision of his own this very sullen and cranky child has to become a self sacrificing wallflower bc the only way he gets to#even exist is if he takes care of klaus and tries to sober him up. his big moment is sacrificing himself for his siblings! they can’t ever#escape the abuse that reginald heaped onto them!! even in death they’re playing roles reginald forced them into#and sparrow ben is clearly so used to being the manipulator so he’s thrown when his family dies and sloane refuses to be manipulated anymore#and he winds up kind of lost child esque accidentally *anyway* - ignored and repressing his feelings and unable to connect emotionally#also before anyone says diego is too stupid to be the mastermind google ‘the mastermind dysfunctional family role’ it doesn’t require you to#not be a himbo only to be willing to be cruel & as they all say in s1 diego never knows when to stop#pogo is an adult enabler. grace has a weird function bc the umbrella kids love her and diego is convinced she killed reginald bc of abuse#five seems similarly attached to her (makes sense given delores) but the others see her more as an enabler which is INTERESTING#i’m gonna stop rambling now
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it's really irritating and difficult to live my life sometimes and for what? not striving to accomplish any huge goals here but the tiny ones, are also excruciating,
#why couldn't i have been born with a fixation that makes me incredible at math or computer science#then i could at least keep the money rolling in#who cares if you eat dinner at 1 am or struggle through basic decisions and interactions if you've got that cash money.#then you're just eccentric#there's like whole social & economic theories devoted to this i'm aware#but sometimes it's like. okay i understand that socially we have decided to do things earlier in the day not my fault for hating that#but i also would like to see the sun. i would like to visit coffee shops and take pleasant strolls and have friends in my area#and do little tasks and contribute in some way to my society#and i would like to do all of this without playing 5d chess to work around the whole way that i am#i have projects of my own you know! and then i'll do one social thing and just be like a zombie the rest of the day#i forgot to get a working microwave today. how do you forget to solve the same problem you've been having for a week and a half again#what? it's just empty space in there#sometimes it strikes you eating dinner at 1 am that maybe you are the messy bitch#self love through the other or something
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leaving the apartment where i lived with my ex turned out to be more painful than her leaving the apartment where we lived together
#i keep unconsciously forgetting stuff there that will have me go back there just one more time and somehow it's so hard and soooo painful#tried to talk to my mom about this but that era of my life is actually something she cant bring herself to reminisce at all#i could really use a talk with my mom abt this but i dont wanna force a subject on her especially if its something i know she cant talk abt#it was the darkest era of my life and we had that phase lorelai and rory went through when rory dropped out of yale#and i have to thank GG because it made me realize in how much pain my mom must've been at seeing her gifted elder daughter become her worse#self and literally waste everything she was and had and knew. which also helped me realize why she isn't that happy when i mention that time#we went through. cant blame her. i literally threw away two years of my life and all the beautiful people ive been up to that time.#but still- i really need to talk to her about this. because it was indeed painful to walk around an apartment newly emptier and not be able#to be eaten out alive by all the spots of that apt where some things happened or some things were said or some things were seen. it was. it#was extremely painful. it hurt so fucking much. but leaving those spots omg- being willing to never spot them again. being willing to lose#the memory of them. forever. wow- it's a completely different level of pain. it just hurts differently. because i know it's time and i know#it's been time for a very VERY long time. and i know this is literally all it takes for me to be more free from the thought of my ex. i know#it's more than necessary and i know it's the right thing. it still hurts. cuz it's all damn over. and i let it pass without ever actively#process it. because to process it was too painful. and i will heal silently. away from here. alone. with a few true friends. i know i will.#it still hurts cuz like- you can know you made the right decision ans you can still grieve and hurt. so yeah im ceying bye i need my mom and#i need to process many things and im way too traumatized and i probably wont have any other romantic/platonic/sexual relationship for many#many years. and i probably wont have that many friends for a little while. and its okay. its time to settle a little bit steadier than i am.#always remembering im not a tree and im actually allowed to move whenever and wherever i wish. but i need more stability right now. i need#to learn how to love myself without becoming cynical. and im almost there. i know i am. i can feel it. and i feel this steadiness for it to#final.#cinnamon diary#sorry about the rant im just in desperate need to cry and hurt
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Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have#and i dont need anyone elses validation#things will come to me when im ready and its right#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought#and ive done more than i ever anticipated#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to#work at#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things#its not that complicated and its not that messy#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
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attractive things bllk characters (unintentionally) do?👀
i received this ask and decided to write this entire thing through a caffeine-powered fever dream. may have gone a little overboard. please pray for both your sanity and mine. thank you anon for your strong sense of imagination (or delusion, whichever you prefer.)
nagi lifts the hem of his shirt to wipe the sweat off his face, and you accidentally (or not so accidentally) get a good look at the droplets running down his abs and v-line. he also does the doorway lean while waiting for you to get ready. since he's so tall, he puts his one arm up on the top of the door frame while scrolling through his phone. when he feels drained of energy, he clings to you like a koala, face buried into the crook of your neck.
rin pushes his hair back when his bangs get in the way, and it shows off his ridiculously sharp side profile. sometimes you have to pause mid-conversation because the direct eye contact gets too intense. he has the brightest turquoise eyes in existence, and they stare right into your soul. pair that with the height difference and him towering over you. hang onto your ovaries because this man is about to snatch them. if isagi or sae are anywhere remotely close within your vicinity, he will personally drag your chair closer over to him. you know, the whole nick jonas chair pull thing? he also unintentionally clenches his jaw when pissed, the vein popping out and everything.
barou is polite to his elders. he holds the door open for others. he tips extra at restaurants. he is kind to service workers. he's just a gentleman overall even though he likes to act tough. he rolls up his sleeves while cleaning or cutting up vegetables, and you can see the veins bulging in his forearms. wears those form-fitting aprons where you can see the outline of his waist and the muscles in his back. he is not immune to raging pit bull moments, but he will calm down immediately when you ask him to.
kaiser requires physical touch to function. all concept of personal boundaries goes poof in his little ego-driven brain. he holds your chin so you look up at him while he's talking. also has that husky growl when he wakes up in the morning. he speaks german. what else is more attractive than that? if you stroke his ego, he will puff his chest out like an emperor penguin and flash that movie star smile. does not slow down his pace for you, and will laugh at your expense when you trip in heels and fall. but then he feels guilty about it and begrudgingly picks you up and carries you home. however, before that he will make you swear on everything holy to never tell isagi about his moment of weakness. (tbh kaiser is a menace and has some serious self-esteem issues. pls avoid dating a man like him in real life until he is fully mature. i still love him tho.)
reo mansplains but not in the condescending way. he does so in the "omg i'm so excited to finally get to share something with you and you're never going to believe it" sort of way. rambles on and on about his interests and gets that little glint in his eye when he's passionate about something. also not sure if this counts but he gets extremely depressed when you don't message him back within five minutes. what do you mean you were busy? he was out here dying from a literal famine. he needs your affection to survive. last but not least, he is good at styling. he knows what colors work best for you, and he will put together three new looks for you in record time.
hiori dreams that you left him for good and wakes up crying with his arms around you. will refuse to let you leave the bed even if it is just to get a glass of water. his rare moments of emotional vulnerability are what gets to you.
shidou does not condone any of your bad decisions. you want to get shit-faced and party until early morning? no complaints from him. you want to wear sexy outfits to the club? say less because he's about to enjoy the view and knock out the front teeth of every guy who dares to ogle you. i don't know if this qualifies as being attractive, but he would never be the controlling type. you can dress and act however you want. unfortunately for you though, this is also a textbook case of the blind leading the blind. if you get horrendously hungover, so does he. if you get pulled over, he's going to be too blackout drunk to even comprehend the officer's words. you can count on him for a good time, but not anything else. do not take any of his advice at face value.
oliver likes to show you off even if he doesn't notice it himself. any talk with his team, and he will find a way to make the entire conversation about you. at this point, the entire u-20 team is done with him. they placed bets that you two wouldn't last more than a month due to his philandering reputation, but the universe seems to think otherwise because you and oliver hit the six-month mark and are still going strong.
ness guards your drink with an unnecessary amount of protection. while you left to go use the restroom, he was looking left and right, and the hairs on the back of his neck were prickling every time someone even came close to your cup. he also shoos away any person who opens their mouth while standing next to your drink because apparently the condensation from their breath could be dangerous. definitely covers your cup with both hands even if it has a lid. no suspicious shit is happening on his watch.
yukimiya is well-read, and he wears glasses. he has a copy of every single classic out there in existence and will fangirl along with you over your virginia woolf collection. he was written by a woman with two cats and a wine glass. not much else to say.
loki absolutely clears the entire carnival/arcade game. you want that giant teddy bear that costs over three hundred ticket points? say less because he's about to win the whole damn pot. of all characters, i would say he's one of the only green flags. like celery green.
isagi always looks for you when he enters the room. intentionally or not, he always seeks your presence. if someone says a funny joke, he turns to you to see if you're laughing or not. also does that somewhat creepy stare thing where he just looks at you quietly while you do mundane tasks. internally he is screaming cus what do you mean you actually like him?
chigiri gives you that thankful little smile whenever you stand up for him. i feel like people don't understand how goofy he can get as he's canonically good at doing impressions/impersonations. also has the prettiest laugh. if he ever cuts his hair, i think i'm going to get a nosebleed.
noa unconsciously says yes to every question you ask of him. he'd be giving bastard münchen a hard time (and denying isagi's requests) but then immediately once you come over, he's automatically acquiescing to everything you say. the rest of the team is low-key shocked you can win him over so easily. when they confront him about it, he just shrugs and goes "y/n is always right."
kurona's entire existence is attractive. he's just perfect. nothing is ever wrong with him. will let you check out his shark teeth and lightly pokes your finger to leave an imprint. hopefully you'll always remember him that way. he's also quiet so he will listen to everything you say and give ample weight to your words.
sae is my baby girl so he gets a whole section dedicated to himself:
absentmindedly plays with your hair. when you're sleeping in his lap, he'll gently run his fingers along your scalp. sometimes in the morning when you're sitting up on the edge of your bed to do your makeup, he'll come up from behind you and brush back your hair. might also press a kiss to the back of your neck.
helps you put on your face mask. when he's shopping, he will buy you lotion along with his own skincare products. says that it was just a convenient store run but you know he personally made sure to get you the best quality ones.
this is canon because i said so: when he gets out of the shower, he slings the towel over his neck or his shoulder. he also involuntarily flexes his biceps when he bends down to grab something. has the world's most defined deltoids.
when you're stuck in large crowds at the airport, he puts his hand in your back pocket to keep you two from getting separated. if the TSA pat-down is anywhere too personal for his liking, he will openly glare at the officer once you've passed the security checkpoint.
bonus point: when you two brush your teeth early in the morning, he has that little bed head where his shorn-off bangs stick up in cute little tufts here and there. will have a dead look on his face, but his eyes soften when he catches your gaze through the mirror.
#blue lock#bllk#blue lock headcanons#nagi seishiro#nagi x reader#rin itoshi#rin itoshi x reader#barou shouei#barou x reader#michael kaiser#kaiser x reader#reo mikage#reo x reader#hiori yo#hiori x reader#shidou ryusei#shidou x reader#oliver aiku#aiku x reader#alexis ness#ness x reader#yukimiya kenyu#yukimiya x reader#julien loki#loki x reader#isagi yoichi#isagi x reader#chigiri hyoma#chigiri x reader#noel noa
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How to Build Self Discipline
Cultivating self-discipline is the way towards personal growth and achieving long-term goals. To me, it’s really all about making choices that honor your well-being and identity.
Understand that self-discipline is about self love and respect
It’s not about punishment or deprivation, but rather caring for yourself enough to make choices that align with your long-term well-being and goals.
You’re showing yourself the respect you deserve by honoring and committing to changes you want to make.
It’s all about recognizing your worth and having the motivation and courage to pursue what’s really best for you, even when it requires a lot of effort and decision-making.
Frame your identity in a way that includes discipline
How we act directly ties to our identities and how we believe we are. If you believe you’re a successful individual, you’ll live a life framed by confidence and determination. If you believe you’re someone who is lazy and unmotivated, you’ll struggle to find the drive to pursue your goals and aspirations.
Gaining discipline is all about acting as the person you believe you are and moving through life in a way that’s consistent with your determined identity. The key here is to try to imagine who you are at your highest self in a disciplined state of mind.
To start this, ask yourself these questions and slowly arrange your life in a way so there’s no distance between who you are now and your highest self:
What does your day look like
What do you eat
What do you wear
What does your week look like
What does your work day look like
What hobbies do you have
What’s your morning and night routine
Who are you surrounded by
What do you say yes and no to
Have systems in your life
I recently wrote a post about habits and mentioned the idea of systems versus goals. Here, I want to delve a bit deeper into that concept within the context of self-discipline.
To me, another way to truly live a disciplined life is to establish starting systems, something that will propel you past hurdles and reduce the friction that accompanies change.
Let’s say you want to improve your eating habits and cultivate discipline in consuming less sugar while incorporating more whole foods into your diet. You could begin by implementing a system of prepping healthy snacks or meals in advance at the start of each week, or however you see fit. By having these snacks readily available, you eliminate the need for decision-making, making it easier to adhere to your goal.
Anything that serves as a reminder or facilitates consistent action toward your desired outcome is a valuable system in your life.
Be okay with not doing something and embrace the mindset of small wins
This may seem paradoxical in the context of developing self-discipline, but being okay with not doing something is crucial. There are times in life when we need tough love and motivation, but there are also moments when compassion is the driving force that propels us forward.
When you don’t follow through with something, whether it’s going for a run or preparing a healthy dinner, it’s important to be okay with it. You don’t need to shame yourself or feel guilty for not taking action because that will only reinforce negative thought patterns, making it harder to create the change you desire.
Consider this: if you miss a planned run and spiral into self-criticism, you’re more likely to avoid running altogether. However, if you approach the situation with understanding and compassion, you’ll be more inclined to try again next time.
This is where small daily victories come into play. Sometimes, all we need is one small step forward to develop a new habit and maintain consistency. Whatever you're striving to improve or change, if it feels daunting, tell yourself, "Just for today, I'll do a 15-minute workout instead of the full hour," or "Just for today, I'll read 5 pages instead of the entire chapter," and celebrate these as small victories. Doing so not only helps you establish new habits but also allows you to acknowledge the progress you've made and the trust you've built within yourself.
—Luna
#that girl#good habits#itgirl#leveling up#level up#aesthetic#habits#productivity#self improvement#self discipline#discipline#self love#self respect#self reflecting#reflection#self care era#self care#dream#dream girl#mental growth#femininity
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