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gunsandspaceships · 3 months

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Proof that Tony Stark is not an extravert

Well, I’d bet it’s better results than one could get on YouTube, Twitter, or Reddit, but come on.

I’m going to show you why MCU Tony is certainly not an extravert.

I've already posted some stuff, such as:

Absent-minded Tony

Socially awkward Tony

As you can see, Tony has some issues that hint to us that he’s not always present or outgoing. And now it’s time to gather all these and other things and summarize our findings.

Extraversion: Large social network & Thrive in teams, crowds vs Introversion: Value 1:1 friendships & Favor independence

Tony no doubt knows a lot of people. Because he ran a huge technological company, right. Business partners, military officers, politicians, SHIELD agents, journalists, his staff, etc. Although this doesn’t mean that he communicates with many people regularly, or has many friends. And we know he doesn’t. He never had many friends. Throughout the Infinity Saga, he made a few, like Pepper and Happy. But before IM2 his only friends were Rhodey, J.A.R.V.I.S., and his bots.

He mostly interacted with AIs and robots, especially in his solo movies. This tells us something, doesn’t it? I’ll write a separate post about his childhood, but it is obvious that he was always an outcast: in school, college, before the Avengers, within the Avengers… We don’t really see him as a “gear” in this mechanism. He is most often steps ahead of others or steps aside. None of the Avengers were really his friends, and I’ll write about that too in the future.

Did he try to make more friends? He seemed to think some of the Avengers were. He thought Steve was. Remember this?

Or Bruce. But Bruce didn't even want to listen to him when Tony needed help.

And he left him at the end of AoU. But Tony thought he was a friend. Moreover, he considered them all his family.

That’s what he was doing – everyone around him, from assistants to teammates, were considered friends and family members and were treated accordingly. He needed that, not a large social network of "pals" and "buddies" he barely knows.

Let’s illustrate how he felt about people around him:

Deleted scene "Dubai Party" from IM (2008)

Tony doesn’t really talk to those people. He doesn't feel comfortable shaking their hands or taking anything from them. That's not why he's here, it's an alibi for the mission in Afghanistan. And we see that all this causes him disgust and discomfort.

The Charity Ball - IM (2008)

And boom - he doesn't know that Christina is talking about Jericho, which Stein sold to the Ten Rings. He thinks she is referring to this event. And he (surprisingly) reveals that he actually has social anxiety. That doesn't sound like an extrovert to me.

Alternate Opening from IM2 shows us Tony, who is trying to avoid going on some kind of dangerous mission. And then we find out that that mission is actually the Expo Opening. He doesn’t look excited that he has to go to the crowd, doesn’t he?

After that, he makes his way through the crowd of fans, communicating with virtually no one.

At the Senate hearing, he seems bored. He doesn’t pay much attention to the politicians, asking Pepper about chili, hacking networks, and making fun of Senator Stern.

After he’s done with Hammer and Stern he shows his public mask to others. We know he is not comfortable with this situation, but he has to deal with it.

At the party "Natalie wears the gauntlet" deleted scene from IM2

This is what Tony really thinks about these people. He doesn’t like them, doesn’t like this lifestyle. He didn’t want this party in the first place. He doesn’t even understand celebrating birthdays ("The Sub-Orbital Jet" deleted scene, IM2).

Sounds very introvert-like to me.

He wears sunglasses in public. Because he is uncomfortable when people see his eyes - they cannot hide from them what he wants to hide. And that brings us to the next trait…

Extraversion: Enjoy being a center of attention vs Introversion: Avoid being a center of attention

He hides behind sunglasses. Most of the time, he only shows his mask to people he considers strangers. When he's the center of attention, it's his mask, not the real Tony.

The real Tony refused to be the commander of the Avengers, despite being their benefactor and providing them with everything. The real Tony didn't go to important public events on behalf of the team, Natasha (WS and CW) did. The real Tony left the Avengers at his Compound and went to live with his family in a cabin in the middle of nowhere. And, again, we can recall what he said about his birthday and parties in general.

Extraversion: Think out loud vs Introversion: Think before speaking

Tony is not the guy who shares his thoughts with others. He thinks a lot. And he hides most of it from others.

Does he always think before speaking? No, not at all. But that’s his goofy personality, not extraversion.

Extraversion: Energize around people & seek greater stimulation vs Introversion: Recharge, reflect in quiet & Seek less stimulation

As we can see, Tony is not that much of a people person. He avoids gatherings when he can, and doesn’t enjoy them when he can’t. Most of the time he spends in his workshop/lab with his AIs, bots, and sometimes with Bruce, with occasional visits from Pepper and Rhodey. And he is comfortable in this environment.

With the Avengers he doesn’t act like an energy battery. Instead, he is quiet, calm, and just minds his own business. Look at the scenes from AoU:

At the party he doesn't talk to many people, we see him in a small group of Thor and Maria Hill, and he is, again, pretty quiet.

In Endgame he lives with just his wife, daughter, chickens, and Gerald the alpaca in a cabin, far from other people and their noise. He has nature around, a big fireplace, and paper books to read by it. This is his happiness. An introvert's dream.

Conclusion: all the extraversion we see in Tony came from his business training that started when he was a kid. He had to develop a set of skills: communicating with many people, participating in gatherings, selling stuff, running a company, dealing with journalists and politicians. He became the owner of a huge business when he was only 21 years old. Of course, he has skills formed by decades of experience. But we see he doesn’t enjoy doing all this stuff. This is not his comfort zone. His comfort zone is his lab and a few close friends. It's hard to tell from the masks he wears and his skills whether he's an introvert or an ambivert who tends to be introverted, but he's definitely not an extravert.

P.S. This is not a 100% comprehensive review of everything I've seen in the movies. There are many more examples of his introversion in the MCU. But this post is already huge, so if you would like to see more about it – let me know in the comments and I’ll make more detailed posts about each trait.

616 Tony here

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cleolinda · 2 months

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Weekend links, April 14, 2024

My posts

Honestly, I spent much of the week coping with storm migraines. You can tell, because I was reblogging a lot from under a cold compress rather than doing anything useful with life.

Reblogs of interest

The Hot Vintage Lady Polls are rough out there, y’all. Round three started closing yesterday (see what’s still open here), and as of this writing, we have lost Bette Davis, Alla Nazimova, Theda Bara, Myrna Loy, Barbra Streisand, Fay Wray, Lucille Ball, Ginger Rogers, and Olivia de Havilland--and it looks like Catherine Deneuve, Clara Bow, Lana Turner, and Mary Pickford are on their way out. Meanwhile, I learned about a ton of actresses I’d never heard of before, only to shriek when Sharmila Tagore, Nadira, and Waheeda Rehman lost this round. (Edwige, I will never forget you.)

Let me remind you (and me sometimes, too): Not everyone has the same taste or childhood attachments or cinema experiences as you. And everybody in this bracket loses. Everybody but one.

(I can tell I’m not cut out for brawling because I’m like, “I will be very sad to see Norma Shearer go, but Hazel Scott seems nice!”)

“Actually, Mr. Musk, I am an attorney. Do you know that?” Here’s the highlights of Mark Bankston, the man who brought down Alex Jones, coping with Elon Musk and Elon Musk’s Lawyer, who is not even licensed in Texas, for 100 pages of deposition.

Hozier Watch 2024: “Too Sweet” has now charted higher in the UK than “Take Me to Church,” and it’s getting real close on the US charts. This is a song that didn’t even make last year’s album. I am endlessly fascinated.

Happy Leland Melvin Day!

Happy Neil Banging Out the Tunes Day!

“Posting endless DNIs because we can’t (or don’t know we can) make spaces just for the people we do want to interact with” actually makes a lot of sense in this centralized social media hellscape.

There is a 20k mg weed gummy and nobody needs that. “Forget meeting the Hat Man this is what turns you into the Hat Man. This is worse than that torture drug that makes you experience 600 billion years in a second. This is the secret to honest to god shifting.”

One of the best uses of the Kate Beaton Poe comic I’ve ever seen

“Americanisms that tell you to check on your American” (they are all correct)

“Tuxedo Mask is the first example of being ‘Kenough’”

Just this once, I will allow this AI rendition of a “traditional Polish family” and their traditional Polish woodchuck.

I am absolutely not saying there is anything wrong with being into tentacles; I’m just saying that Pyramid Head doesn’t even have them and thus is a pretty tame choice to complain about.

Little Guy, a game

A cursèd chair called “Oops!”

Sparrow Tarot: Honestly, this is one of my favorite takes on the Hanged Man.

This dog is a biscuit and she is precious

Video

One of the things that’s so great about this Ilia Malinin free-skate program is, he makes it look so effortless that I would have never figured out on my own, without Tumblr’s commentary, that there’s a couple moves in here that no one in the world can do but him. Like, the very first jump and the announcers start screaming.

A journey from fearing moths to raising them

A dude puts on a dress For the Meme and then discovers that he loves it (and then he styles it as a full outfit and it looks SO GOOD)

Watching this cat ride around on a roomba on a sped-up surveillance camera is self-care.

So is this (although it’s a bit strobe-y)

Bat type: hi doggy

Was the jello for the tuna salad lamb supposed to be lime?

The sacred texts

Holy Shit, Two Cakes

The origin of “Me, an intellectual”

#AllMyLifeIHadToFight

Personal tag of the week

Designer Roberto Cavalli, who passed away this week at age 83. I reblogged several fashion posts--I hadn’t even realized myself that he had designed Beyoncé’s famous yellow dress in Lemonade.

#weekend links #odds and ends #linkspam

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kafus · 3 months

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whenever i see guides for neurotypical social skills and similar stuff, i can’t help but think that if i attempted to make friends that way i’d be miserable. i’m not saying i have no desire to consciously and manually learn some social skills because i have done that for more professional settings, for small talk, for survival, and it has helped me and made my life better! some manually learned social skills i’ve even naturally integrated into how i usually speak, don’t get me wrong! but specifically with forming actual friendships, if the other person isn’t interested in how i communicate as an autistic person and i have to mask myself to that large extent, i’m just. not interested in that kind of friendship.

it’s frustrating too because as an autistic person i’ve discovered that at least online (i don’t have much experience with IRL friendships bc currently mostly homebound disabled person) the ticket to making genuine and good friendships with people wasn’t following some arbitrary ruleset for conversation, it was literally just being confident. Yes really. i genuinely think if you carry yourself like you know who you are and how you speak, you will find people eventually who will click with how you communicate, and friendships can form from there. obviously it’s not THAT simple and easy but it really is such a huge part of it. once i won the idgaf war and stopped fretting so severely over how i was behaving in group chats and shit all the time, it really changed things for the better and i made friendships

as much as learning some NT social skills is required for survival and basic/professional interactions with people, i just think it’s unfortunate that autistic people are often told even by other autistic people that the key to real friendships is forcing yourself to communicate a different way. yes i’m sure that works and some people are going to feel fulfilled that way but frankly i would explode. autistic communication IS desirable! you can make friends even if you talk like that! yes, even like that!! all of us are so anxious and feel like shit bc we’ve been rejected by NT spaces so hard especially while growing up but i swear to god it is possible to make real friendships while also being autistic as fuck unmasked

anyways the TLDR of it is i think we should encourage each other more as autistic people to be confidently unmasked in spaces that are safe for it instead of masking more to make friendships where you can’t even be yourself. i would literally rather explode than try to form close bonds by masking again like i did in high school 💥 💥 💥

#kiki was here #kiki.txt

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comfortmarvelimagines · 1 year

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Hi! So I really love your "When You Can't Find The Quiet" series and I think it's amazing how well you write! If you're still taking requests I'd love to see another part with maybe like Bucky and Steve helping the reader through a meltdown. Like Peter's ill or something so couldn't be there and Tony's away on some kind of business but like Happy picked the reader up and took them to the tower and Tony contacted Bucky to help. And like Steve's confused and just draws for the reader or something?

(Can be read as standalone or as (the much delayed) WYCFTQ pt 6)

There weren’t many people you interacted with on a regular basis, and that was just the way you preferred it.

People are scary. Unpredictable. Deceit hidden behind curtains of seemingly genuine intent, gauzy and constantly shifting and impossible to focus on what lies beyond. It didn’t make sense. All your life you had been exactly as you were, no lies, no acting unless instructed to. The masking kind, only, as you tried to keep up in the neurotypical social game. Frankly, it all seemed rather put on and pointless and by the time you reached high school you’d all but given up on it. Given up on trying to decode other people as well. There was too much shit going on, and it was the path of least resistance to settle on your small group of friends and leave it at that. Minimal masking, minimal need for interpretation. You trusted your friends to be who they said they were, and you showed up with no pretences held.

That being said, entering Peter’s world was terrifying. Here were adults that seemed to have true intentions; adults with the time and resources to make your life easier in a way you’d never before had access to. Adults- Tony, Nat, Bucky, Pepper- who said they wanted to help. Who did help, and not in the way you were used to adults ‘helping’, with social rules and short reprimands and sad sighs when you just didn’t get it. You had to trust them. Because without that help, trying to manage being a generally functioning human that left the apartment and did homework and went to school and didn’t punch randoms on the subway on instinct for standing too close, felt impossible. Part of you felt shame for having grown so reliant, but you knew the alternative all too well. Complete shutdown. Burnout. Months of being so hazy and out of it nothing felt real and nothing got done. So, reluctantly, you accepted the status quo.

Meltdowns happen. They suck ass. At this point you felt like you’d experienced every possible way that they could happen, the growing Big Bad Feeling in the pit of your guts almost familiar. They honestly didn’t get any easier with time (or, to phrase it kinda weirdly, with practice). The humiliation stung just as harshly after every one when you had nothing left to give. The Post-Meltdown Energy Drain leaving you collapsed on the floor like some kind of deflated beanbag, letting everyone else take over. You could cry over the mortification later when you had the spoons.

This last meltdown was no different. It had grown over a few days, the general unrest of the student body headed towards summer break doing nothing to help, nor did the constant stickiness of late-May humidity. It made sense, in a weird parallel way- humidity inevitable breaks with a storm, and the growing sense of badness broke in a meltdown. It was only too bad you couldn’t have waited until school was out to have it in the privacy of your bedroom. The floor probably would’ve been less gross as well, but even the thought of high school corridor germs wasn’t enough to get you up as you waited for Happy.

It wasn’t usually Happy who picked you up. Tony typically did it himself, and as selfish as it felt you preferred it that way. He knew what to do, and he hadn’t belittled you for it yet so there was a growing sense of trust that it was an unlikely scenario. Alas, being an avenger and owning a multi-billion dollar company is no casual business, and there was just no way he was able to come and get you, so Happy was enlisted. You weren’t sure what to make of Happy. He never really said much to you (not that you would’ve said much in return) but he seemed to like Peter. Only problem was, Peter wasn’t even at school today. Probably hurt himself patrolling, given that it was probably impossible for his genetically enhanced ass to get sick. Lucky.

The slapping of Happy’s shoes on the worn linoleum broke your train of thought. The corridor was being kept clear by Ned and the new school nurse, who probably volunteered just to not have to figure out what else to do. You could’ve sworn none of these people had ever met another goddamn autistic person out in the wild before. Which, their loss, honestly. You hoisted yourself up on a locker and followed Happy on autopilot, eyes glazed over by the time you reached the distinctive black car. You felt like absolute shit. But every part of your brain was yelling at you to act fine, act normal, like nothing had ever happened.

Unsurprisingly, Happy didn’t say a word the entire drive back. You felt like every atom in your body had been drained of energy and you collapsed against the window of the car, too viscerally exhausted to care about the vibration of the car against your skull. Somewhere deep in your brain you tried to remember all the steps to the sensory room- the elevator, the right level, FRIDAY, the security pass- but each thought was too much effort to complete, and trailed off part way through. You kept trying over and over and over and over to remember how to do it, how to get to safety, with each attempt fizzling out sooner and sooner and never eventuating. You were too preoccupied with forcing the repetitive thought loop to recognise pulling into a driveway, down to the garage, half closed eyes seeing nothing, and the bone-tiredness letting your head just hang when the pressure of the door dropped as someone opened it from outside. Cool metal pushed hair back from your forehead and held you up as the restraint of the seatbelt rescinded and you realised it was Bucky.

He didn’t even ask before transferring most of your weight to his shoulder, and picking you up and out of the car. Somewhere in the haze you considered that maybe, this treatment was embarrassing; after all, you’d only met Bucky like, twice, and this was the second time he’d seen you in at some point in the meltdown life-cycle. But your body felt simultaneously numb and tingly and not there at all, and you didn’t even have the energy to cry despite desperately wanting to be able to, and all you could do was sink into his shoulder and try and keep your eyelids open.

You could feel when Bucky spoke. “Hey, can you grab that blanket over there? It’s weighted.”

Still feeling devoid of any capacity, you almost imperceptibly shook your head. Bucky rubbed your shoulder. “It’s okay, I wasn’t asking you, doll. We’re up in the sensory room. Steve is here. He wants to help, and I’m gonna get him to grab the weighted blanket so we can rest on that big comfy beanbag. You can sleep if you want, or we can just ride this out until you’re feeling a bit better. Nice and easy,” he lowered himself to slowly fall back into the memory foam. It only just occurred to you that you were gripping onto Bucky’s shirt for dear life, that the only way he would’ve been able to put you down would be to pry himself from your entangled hands. An honestly, you didn’t even fucking care. Humiliation aside, Bucky felt steady and calm and reassuring and you still felt so unsafe in your mind and body, an unrest that could easily spiral into meltdown round two. Which, ya know, you’d rather not do. Fighting sleep, you felt the air shift next to you and Steve returned, draping the grounding weight of the blanket over your jittery bones. He had something else with him too; as he sat on the ground beside you and Bucky, you registered that it was a sketchbook, and without a word he started to draw. First a landscape, a sunset, some birds, etched in grey then filled in pastels of colour. Mesmerised, you watched as your consciousness dripped away, sleeping in the way you only ever did when you were safe

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my-name-is-jefferooni · 3 months

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Alright. Here’s a giant IDW Silver analysis that has been quite a while in the making. Prepare yourself.

WOOOOOOHOOOOOOOOO I AM FINALLY GETTING TO THIS HUNK OF AN ANALYSIS AFTER PROBABLY A MONTH OR SO OF STALLING. For context, here’s the reblog where I mentioned I’d one day analyze Silver’s character in the IDW comics:

And now here is a disclaimer:

This is gonna be a huge, gigantic, mongo beast of an analysis! I don’t know how rushed the ending will be and I don’t know how many images will be included, because I took a lot, and I mean A LOT of screenshots! There is so much material to work with here, and I didn’t even include the annuals! So please, make yourself comfortable, grab a snack and some water, and enjoy the read! It’s most likely gonna be my longest one yet!

Oh and also there are gonna be some pretty big spoilers for the IDW Sonic comics so be sure to read it all before reading this. It’s all connected…

Now, without further ado, let’s get on with the show! Finally…!

———

Bruh. Before we even meet the guy, we can tell what kind of person Silver is. Before Sonic can land a hit on the robot, Silver cuts in, smashing the bot to pieces. And to me, the way he does it isn’t meant to be some basic way of taking out a badnik. When rereading the issue to get some good Silver material, I noticed how everything from the torso and onwards is smashed to pieces by Silver, whereas the rest of the robot is left just chilling on the ground. To me, this is Silver just neutralizing what is actually a threat, the blades, and taking notice of what is the threat and getting rid of it easily. First panel and we already see his perception skills in action!

We see more of it not too much later on in the issue when Sonic is pointing out what kind of powers were used to kill off the other badnik. Silver is leaning in closely, drinking in every words Sonic says, as if he’s learning some secret sensei technique or something! Silver is learning from Sonic about different wispon types and learning how to be more perceptive. Overall, Silver just likes to learn!

This part of his character makes a huge impact on himself as a whole! Silver is anything if not eager and naive, and that shows in a lot of what he does and the expressions he makes.

This is also where his admiration for Whisper comes into play. Silver adores Whisper at the start of his time in the comic, and aspires to be just like her as well as everyone else one day! She even saved his life! Why wouldn’t he wanna be like her?? All of this just shows how young and naive the white hedgehog is, and how much he truly doesn’t know. Silver doesn’t know how plants grow, he doesn’t know how people work, he doesn’t know anything! And this is where his obvious lack of social interaction comes in.

Silver spent a majority of his life without anyone to look up to. (Assuming the events of 06 did not take place and he really was on his own) He didn’t have any parents, no family, no friends, no home, nothing! The poor boy was completely on his own in a charred, desolate world full of nothing but despair. And throughout that time, he was almost helpless to stop it all. Silver knew there were still people out there in his time, knew there were people just trying to survive, and all he could do was take care of himself. He was starving, cold, and alone. No one came to save him because he could never save them.

This all grows inside Silver’s gut until it becomes just a big, ugly blob of loneliness. All his life, Silver desperately wanted, needed someone to be there for him, needed someone to hold him and tell him it’d all be okay. He needed a savior. So, to mask his insecurities, he finds saviors in Blaze, Sonic, and Whisper.

Yeah yeah, I know. Just shut up and we’ll get back to this in a moment.

All three of these characters saved Silver’s life at one point or another. Shadow did too technically, but we’re focusing on the IDW timeline here and Shadow hardly interacts with Silver in this comic so we won’t be talking much about him. ANYWHIZZLE, Silver holds these three in high regard, and looks up to them. He considers Blaze his first ever friend, (And as a Silvaze shipper I see them as an item) thinks of Sonic as a legendary hero, and sees Whisper as his Guardian Angel. All people whom he only knows due to his time traveling abilities. If he didn’t have the means to do time travel, he would never know these people and thus would never have any friends or family. He wouldn’t have any hope. And that’s why the connections Silver makes with others creates such a big part of his personality and it’s why he feels so “Off” in 06, because back in that nonexistent reality he only had Blaze. He had something, but it was hardly enough to keep him alive.

However, just like all of us, when you leave such insecurities to boil in your gut for such a long time, when you leave it to rot for so long, it eventually just kinda. Blows up on you. In your face. In front of everyone.

I don’t have many good examples without going into the next section so this is all you’ll get for now

Silver is a young, naive, complicated fool. He has so many things whirling around in his head all at once and it’s suffocating him. He doesn’t want to ruin anything for himself or for others, so he bottles everything up in hopes that it’ll all end up fine in the end. But when it does eventually explode on himself, he can’t help but make things worse for everyone else.

Take his short time with the Diamond Cutters, for example. He was dealing with a lot at the time, trying to juggle the stress of knowing his own time is safe while also wondering why he’s even back in the past. He doesn’t know what to do, and that all comes to a head when he suspects the worst about Duo. His suspicions are correct as we all know, but he doesn’t know that, and neither do the Diamond Cutters. He makes a mess of the Restoration HQ just to try and prove a point, which gets him booted from the team, and he can’t do anything afterwards except sulk in his garden.

In short, Silver tends to bottle up his emotions/problems until it all just explodes in his face and he then shuts down from all the intense feelings. He ends up confused, numb, and desperately needs guidance.

Now let’s move onto his power set, and OH BOY does this boy love to show off!

Silver is incredibly prideful in what he can do, and it most definitely shows when others praise him for it. However, there are some limits, and those limits are big!

Silver can only move things with his mind. It’s telekinesis, not pyrokinesis.

He needs to focus to be able to use his power.

Broski has auDHD

He also has anxiety

Welp. As you can see those are all some very big limitations.

When you have powers that can only function when you are focused and know what you’re doing, and when they also only work when you can see what you’re focusing on, well… It doesn’t really help you very much when you’re best friend and idol is a super speedy hedgehog that can go at Mach 7 if he feels like it. Silver’s insecurities combined with his anxiety and auDHD AND his survival instincts… They don’t mix too well. Don’t get it twisted though, he is still a master and psychokinesis and he uses his power shockingly well considering those circumstances. He can do so much cool shit with just his brain alone and it is insane! However, he can’t just do anything with it.

Just like what he says here! Haha~!

It also provides an explanation for this.

Silver just wasn’t focused during this time and was probably holding his own against a pretty big army of badnik already, so he wasn’t prepared for this funky little guy. Simple.

Now, back to his insecurities because YES THERE’S MORE. OF COURSE THERE’S MORE. THIS BOYO LIVED THROUGH AN APOCALYPSE FOR LIKE 13-14 YEARS OF HIS LIFE. OF COURSE THERE’S GONNA BE MORE.

Considering all these limitations and how quickly and easily Silver can lose focus, and also considering how young and naive he is, it’s safe to say Silver just can’t compare to all the others in the past.

Silver is always constantly comparing himself to them, always pushing himself to do better, digging himself into a rut deeper than the abyss. He looks up to all these people like they are more powerful than him, like they matter more than him, and that leads to him getting hurt more often than not.

LIKE. JUST. I KNOW THEY WERE LOW ON STAFF BUT JUST READ THAT AND TELL ME THAT DOES NOT SOUND LIKE A CASE OF IMPOSTER SYNDROME. LOOK AT ME DEAD IN THE EYES AND TELL ME THAT. POOR SILVER.

This all comes to a head though in the battle between Silver and… Uh… Whatever the depressed guy is called, the depresso Zeti guy.

In this fight, Silver is going up against someone who can only see the bad in people, who can only see a world of bleakness and despair. Depresso hates anything that is joyful, despises anything good in life, and only wants to see people be as sad as him. He’s a petty, pathetic loser.

But at one point, Silver was just like him.

Look at this and tell me this doesn’t give off the same vibes as the fight scene lol

But yeah! Silver was once as hopeless and depressed as Depresso over there! He had no hope for the future, had no way of knowing if anything was gonna be alright, had no one to look up to… Safe to say he was most likely worse than Depresso! But due to his age and the knowledge that there were still people out there, still families wandering in groups hoping for daybreak, he held onto what little hope he had left. He probably ended up saving a few people and they thanked him, and that probably gave him the push he needed to keep dreaming. Just as his own song Dreams of an Absolution suggests!

“Struggle, wriggle, writhe and cry! You can’t escape, you’ll soon be mine.”

That sounds like a certain someone’s depression talking~! And when Silver first attacks Depresso and says “I can be direct! Cover me!” That is Silver’s way of saying “I can’t do much against my own emotions without being upfront and blunt about it, but I also accept your help in fending them off. Will you help me if I accept such help??”

And when Depresso asks, “How can you be so disgustingly heroic and selfless??” Well, Silver responds with this:

“Because I have faith in others. I believe things will get better… And because I have a Guardian Angel watching over me!”

Silver got better, managed to fend off those dark thoughts that plague Depresso, because he is able to look up to people. He is so young and eager to learn that he doesn’t see anything bad in having faith in others and asking for help. He’s prideful in what he can do, but unlike Sonic and Shadow, his pride and insecurity doesn’t overshadow his willingness to learn and get help from others.

———

AND MAN. I WOULD ADD SO MANY MORE IMAGES IN THIS IF TUMBLR ALLOWED IT SO I WILL SAVE THE REST OF THIS ANLYSIS FOR A PART TWO.

Why? Well, because we’re literally on the very cusp of the ending for this thing (Finally) and I can’t just end this giant analysis off without adding any funny Silver pics! So please be patient while I come up with a part two for this whole thing. Such a shame I can’t add more images for now, but this will have to do.

THANK YOU SO SO MUCH FOR READING THIS GIANT-ASS POST. I KNOW IT TOOK YOU FOREVER TO GET HERE, AND I COMMEND YOU GREATLY FOR FINISHING THIS. Part two will be out soon hopefully so stay tuned for that!

#blog/ask stuff #my shitty rambles #silver the hedgehog #idw silver the hedgehog #sonic idw #IDW sonic comics #idw sonic spoilers

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stergeon · 5 months

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Sorry if this seems sudden, but what are your thoughts on a Young Edelgard befriending a Young Byleth who canonically doesn't have friends due to how people are afraid and creeped out by her behavior?

Yea, the tragedy is how Byleth has nobody their age to connect with as well as most not getting them to the point of dehumanization until Garreg Mach, but it's neat to think of.

ohhhh tbh i love this… in my mind, young edelgard is very precocious, but also extremely coddled (comes with being royalty) and kind of oblivious/condescending without meaning to be. “aren’t all tutors dreadful? hm? you don’t have lessons? what do you do all day? what?? you work??? is that allowed????”

like, well-meaning with a strong sense of justice, and genuinely curious about other people’s lives, but without a frame of reference for anything yet.

and young byleth, as you say, would have been intimidating to be around lol. an eerie and serious kid who probably learned how to kill a man not long after she learned to walk. i see her as being affable in the sense that she just kind of goes along with whatever situation she’s in, without any investment in it one way or another beyond doing what she’s told, but she would definitely be confused by other kids and struggle hard with social cues, etc. until she gets sufficiently good at reading people as to passably mask. it’s a very lonely and difficult way to live.

i could absolutely see edelgard running into this weird little girl and adopting her on the spot. “why don’t people play with you. what do you mean, you don’t know how to play. we’re going to play a game right now; so there.” edelgard is nothing if not driven and dedicated to the causes she believes in (and her massive savior/martyr complex doesn’t help lol—she’s already adopted one local weirdo by becoming besties with hubert). so i think if she set her mind to being byleth’s friend, she would make it happen. this kid is now her personal project. they WILL be friends.

and i reckon that friendship would do wonders for byleth. she had so little interaction with anyone her age in her youth, and having one real friend might make all the difference for her. edelgard could help ground her, and help her better understand the world they live in, and keep her in touch with her humanity—or, really, help her discover it in the first place. meanwhile, edelgard could learn a LOT from byleth, who’s spent her life unhoused* and pretty much living paycheck-to-paycheck with jeralt’s band of violent (and likely alcoholic, per jeralt and alois) mercs. byleth could lend her some perspective and further shape edelgard’s love for the people of fódlan, as well as her understanding of what kinds of societal changes are needed to make things better for everyone.

who knows, that connection might even lead sothis to emerge earlier…

the concern, of course, is jeralt, who (for debatably valid reasons) never wants to stay anywhere for too long, and probably would get super freaked out by the idea of his kid hanging around one of the heirs of the adrestian empire. whether they’d actually have enough time to become friends… idk.

but kids are funny when they set their minds to something. i’d like to think edelgard would decide, day one, that they’re friends, and friends help each other, so that’s what she’s going to do. i’d like to think that when edelgard found out byleth’s group would be leaving again soon, she’d use that big brain of hers and coax her father into hiring the mercenaries on for a long-term mission or as a standing battalion. adrestia’s been on the outs with the church for a good while already, so jeralt might feel comfortable enough to consider putting down roots, even if just for a little longer than usual.

that could REALLY change both byleth and edelgard’s lives. in my little daydream, byleth starts training to be a knight and a personal guard for edelgard, and basically spends as much time around her as hubert does. and maybe, when the insurrection happens edelgard is taken to fhirdiad, hubert stands a better chance of finding her with someone by his side who has spent her entire young life in the woods and on the roads, tracking enemies and avoiding pursuers. maybe they find her. maybe they help prevent some truly terrible things from happening.

what happens from there, idk; so many of edelgard’s views are informed by her experiences and it gets too complicated for my tiny brain to realistically figure out what would occur and who she’d be if it went down like that instead.

but byleth would be changed just by knowing edelgard. having someone in her young life who is invested in her, who sees beyond the fog of the day-to-day, who’s interested in what she wants, who embraces and celebrates her quirks and doesn’t shun her for them, who grants her stability and some agency in her own life… someone who sees her as a person, not just as a sword or set of hands… how could anyone not be changed by something like that?

* with the exception of Whatever The Fuck she was doing while jeralt was parading around in leonie’s village for however long. this is my least favorite plot hole in the game, namely because leonie acknowledges it. “huh. i don’t remember you being there, and you don’t, either. maybe you were with a relative”??? what relative, IS?? how many living relatives does byleth have that aren’t trying to turn her into a mommy-god??? why fake your kid’s death and disappear “for her safety,” just to ditch said kid somewhere with someone for months?????

WHERE WAS YOUR CHILD, JERALT??????

ok i’m done yelling lol. thank you for this ask, this was really fun to think about <3

#fire emblem #fe3h #i love them girls.#as someone who is neurodivergent i vibe hard with neurodivergent byleth takes #but i’m also reluctant to go along with them as the writer of a fic where byleth gaining her heart also turns on The Emotion Fountain #i hate to potentially imply that she ‘got better’ from being neurodivergent.#hopefully it does not come across that way in my fic lol. to me it’s all plot-reasons #but also as someone who was a weird kid who Did Not Get It socially: it resonates #kids are so interesting and so funny #sterge.eml

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aspiringwarriorlibrarian · 5 months

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2023 Year in Review

1. 28,490 notes - Jun 16 2023

You know, it’s kinda funny how much of high fantasy centers around kings and nobility and courtly intrigue considering that the archetypal high fantasy, Lord of the Rings, had the rather explicit moral of “saving the world is up to this backwater hick and his gardener because no politician, least of all inherited nobility, would have the ability to see past their own ambition and throw away a weapon”. Oh sure, Aragorn is a great king and all, but there’s a reason he’s over there running a distraction ring while the hobbits do the real work. Sauron loses because he gets distracted by kings and armies and great battles (i.e. typical high fantasy stuff) letting Frodo and Sam sneak through his back door and blow it all to hell.

Just saying, maybe old Jirt knew what he was saying when he said that the small folk doing their best and holding to each other was more powerful than a dozen alliances and superweapons and we should respect him for it.

2. 22,425 notes - Jul 6 2023

“LOL. You think your vote matters? ROFL and LOL.” Yes, I am aware my vote carries less and less relative power the more people I’m voting with, but unlike your glorious violent revolution, it actually exists.

3. 20,183 notes - Mar 7 2023

The 4 approaches to “orphaned etymology” problems in fiction

1. Obviously we can’t call it French toast if there’s no France so we’re just gonna replace it with something else.

2. The word abattoir sounds too French so it wouldn’t make sense for it to be here without a France. Even though we use English without there being an England.

3. This is called a Ming vase because when you tap it it makes a “Ming!” sound.

4. I am JRR Tolkien and every single word I write has a fictional etymology attached to it that I am translating into English for your convenience.

4. 17,918 notes - Dec 26 2023

As to whether the Gavle Goat’s consumption should be seen as a good omen or a bad omen, I’d say good. Traditionally the Yule goat is made of straw from the final harvest and as a talisman against hard times, and there are unproven theories that its shape is inspired by Thor’s goats, who are constantly killed, eaten, and reborn to provide endless meat for Thor and whatever guests he entertains. Therefore, its use by birds as a food store and safe harbor is an affirmation of its original purpose and truly in the Christmas spirit of generosity in lean times. What’s more, the birds eating it seems to be have been the one outcome to unite both goat burners and goat keepers, as they have decided not to scare the birds away from their safe harbor and not to harm the goat, a decision that has been universally lauded.

As omens go, this one’s all positive: safety, plenty, and unity between previous ideological opponents through a creative third solution built on shared values (birds being fed and sheltered is a good thing). May more birds find their way to the Gavle Goat next year.

5. 11,031 notes - Apr 24 2023

Okay hearing that people actually do this has made me morbidly curious so... My house was split into Parents and Kids bathrooms...

6. 9,188 notes - Mar 16 2023

The best decision The Mandalorian ever made was centering their show around an archetypal masked, taciturn gunslinger who wanders from town to town never putting down roots, and then revealing that he acts that way because he’s a massively awkward introvert who uses that archetype to avoid having to socialize with people beyond the three interaction scripts he already knows. 10/10, top tier characterization, I love seeing this man outshoot a bar full of people and then get scammed by a random mechanic because he’s too polite to confront her about it. Truly a hero of our times.

7. 5,183 notes - Mar 21 2023

Okay but for a corporately mandated love triangle (Gale was meant to be Katniss’ cousin, publisher asked to make him the childhood friend with a crush), Hunger Games absolutely nails it. It can’t just be solved by polyamory because it represents her choosing between two aspects of herself. Yes Gale sometimes acts like a dumb teenager because he is, but not to an obnoxious level. The one and only time Peeta and Gale get a conversation about it, both of them fully acknowledge that it’s Katniss’ choice so fighting over her is pointless. It’s not a marketing gimmick to generate unnecessary tension, it’s a complicated relationship that informs all three of their characters and is deeply intertwined with the series’ themes of war and trauma.

8. 4,122 notes - Jul 1 2023

I mean I’m not even trans and I can still tell Nimona the movie is basically ND Stevenson going back and saying “okay, let’s do it on purpose this time”.

9. 3,850 notes - Jan 4 2023

What I really like about the dinner mystery is that they could have made it super easy or had Blanc go on about how obvious it is since he needed to solve it quickly, but instead he’s thrilled by it. He points out every subtle clue, all the foreshadowing, the style of it, and he even tells Miles that it was satisfying and the perfect bite-sized mystery. “A dramatic, passionate, and colorful crime for a fashionista!”. He might have solved it easily, because this is his job, but he can still appreciate the artistry in it and enjoy solving it.

It provides a nice counterpoint to the later reveal, where he is genuinely disappointed by how dumb the murders where but still prioritizes the victims. He might love solving the mysteries, but he knows what’s really important. So what could be better than a mystery with no victims?

10. 3,467 notes - Apr 6 2023

Honestly when you hear that someone once held bigoted views in the past but no longer does that shouldn’t be a disappointment, but a victory. Yes! We got ‘em! One less person on the wrong side of history and one more for us! This is exactly what we want, for people to leave their prejudices behind, and we succeeded!

Created by TumblrTop10

#tumblrtop10 #jetblackcode #don't worry it's not too long #i see my fandom takes are as immaculate as ever but that political take is probably gonna stay strong for a while #with a surprise ending for gavle goat good omen

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wildermouse · 2 years

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another general question for autistic folk:

how are you with working a job? do you have a job? are you able to have a job?

i finally got my first proper job at age 22, working at a big daycare with all ages of children and directly with around 8+ staff each day, but interacting with around 12-16 staff on the daily, plus around 50 children + all their parents every day. it was okay some days, good some days even, though the interacting with staff was always very draining and overwhelming for me. the best days were the days i worked alone with a smaller group of children for 10hrs. i rarely found interacting with the children exhausting, but as soon as i had to work with other staff i was just a mess of internal anxiety. i was pretty good at powering through and masking it until i got home. i was so tired i would fall asleep immediately, didn’t have mental or physical energy for any hobbies. my eating disorder got out of hand many times as well. especially before work, i would have ‘meltdowns’ or anxiety attacks or whatever you wanna call it. i would cry, i would punch myself, i would punch the car window, i would punch my wall. i was scared and overwhelmed and tired and i did not wanna work. it began to really take its toll and i started having (more civilized) breakdowns at work. i lowkey snapped at a close coworker for asking me too many questions i didn’t have answers to and broke down sobbing and had to take a break - this was during the christmas party for the kids. one time i broke down in the yard while i was watching the children because another close coworker came over and asked how i was doing. she had to hug me until i stopped crying. shortly after, i quit. i gave like 2 months notice and actually planned on going back once i’d had a few months break, but life happened and i ended up moving.

i was working there for over 2 years, which is way longer than i thought i would, and it’s now been a year and a half(?) since i stopped working, but i cannot see myself having another job. i don’t want it, and i don’t feel like i can handle it. i know all of my mental & physical energy would be consumed by it, even if it was just part time. i do make art and sell it to make some income (i’m not very consistently motivated with it, i’m still sorting my brain out) and though it sucks not being able to support myself fully financially (i still live at home, though i do pay rent) and not having financial freedom to do whatever i want, i am so much less stressed & anxious being at home doing my art. my art is something i did not have any energy for while i was working.

what i’ve learned after looking back on it was the biggest factor leading to me reaching my limit was the daily interactions with coworkers. the constant small talk (seriously, i would dread the ‘hey how are you’ ‘i’m good how are you’ constantly every single day), the trying to figure out what they want me to do, the having to call people or go find people to ask them questions. working with all those children isn’t what pushed me over the edge, it was socializing with my adult coworkers every day. + having to wake up early and have my whole day taken up by something i didn’t want to do.

for now i plan to try and be and stay more consistent with my art & my shop, and depending on my living situation i’ll maybe go work at a barn cleaning stalls & paddocks for some extra cash. i have no plans to return to a ‘proper’ job. and i don’t see an issue with this the way our society does, the only issue is this world is too fucking expensive and i can’t afford to live.

so yeah just wondering what your experiences are with working and if you do have a job and if you feel unable to work like i do

#autism #autistic #asd #audhd #actually austistic #autistic adult

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hypervoxel · 2 months

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My go-to Vox warning tag for fics is “Masochism That Borders On Self-Harm”.

I agree with ace-spectrum Vox but I don’t know where exactly I’d place him on the spectrum.

Something something, the inability to willingly shed any of the masks and personas you’ve lived your life as. The insecurity in an already shaky sense of self and the need to be desired even as nothing more than a bleeding piece of meet. The intimacy of someone *taking* everything him, leaving him hollow and still coming back for more. The inherent intimacy of violence

Oh that's a good tag, I will totally steal that one day. My only fic is tagged "Consensual non-consent" followed immediately by "Consent Issues" because I could not think of an actual descriptor for them. Not safe, not sane, and these people do not care what consent even is. Oh, the inherent intimacy of violence indeed..... <3

Yesss, Vox is so incredibly fake and he doesn't know how to be anything else. He is his mask. He wants someone to want him for who he is, but there's nothing underneath! Just meat and wires!

I also very much headcanon Vox as autistic/ADHD and doing the most to mask that too. He's faking every social interaction, and he knows people can tell. He feels so much, but he also feels like his emotions aren't real. Swinging wildly from emotional numbness/disassociation to feeling everything. There's nothing to him, until suddenly he can't fit in his own body. And also I'm always thinking about physically disabled Vox who has so much internalized ableism. He does his best to fake being "normal" in every way. He can't let anyone see him for what he is, because they would think him worthless. He's Vox; he's perfect. Trust is everything to his brand, and you can only trust perfection. He yearns for a chance to let go of that and relax, to be forced to let go because he can't relax on his own. He always has to be in control.

And of course we talked on Discord about the purity culture/internalized homophobia, "I'm not allowed to want this. I can't enjoy it on my own, I can't be given the choice, it needs to be forced on me," attitude towards sex.

[slaps Vox's TV head] this bad boy can fit so much trauma in it!!!!

#i don't know what I'm typing anymore this is all steam of consciousness #let's talk more about that TV box being so bad at life that he became a robot in death!!!!#he's everything to me

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ina-nis · 1 year

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I can’t even feel furious about my predicament, about the fact that I’m relegated to a place of self-imposed “solitude”, which is also pushed down my throat by others, because my brain is this way and I can’t seem to be able to “fix” it.

Of course I’ll keep on burning bridges, of course I’ll keep my high standards in the stratosphere, of course I’ll be very strict with who I allow into my life, knowing that the majority of people I ever met and will meet are just conditional, are just transitional. I can’t seem to be able to heal from my trauma without positive experiences so that adds another layer of difficulty.

I guess the pain comes, also, from the fact that my heart remains soft.

I didn’t allow myself to hate people, I didn’t allow myself to cast away the good feelings, I didn’t allow myself to be engulfed in a cloud of despair and disaster - even if, oftentimes, it doesn’t look like it, considering how I’m naturally depressive/negative/pessimistic.

I feel angry about my loneliness, and at the moment, powerless: what else am I supposed to do? Go outside everyday and chat with strangers? Showing up somewhere regularly and try to get something going? Get out of my bubble and do something new and social? Oh... if only I haven’t tried all these options and many more to the point I’m absolutely burnt out from doing any thing at all now.

I see myself unable to break the cycle, to develop new ways to be and think because, ultimately, it doesn’t work when I’m doing all the work on my own. And the fact that the same issues keep on repeating, and people keep on confirming my biases more and more... it’s just hopeless.

When this all started I knew either one could happen: I’d have to depend on other people to heal or, knowing it was very unlikely that would happen, I’d have to “get used to it”, be realistic about my options and “accept” it.

Now the questions I’m asking myself are: how can I be with people? How can I be with people without pain or suffering? How can I be with people while my needs remain unmet? And so on...

I already tried the whole masking / people-pleasing / being a social butterfly / being empathetic / optimism and good vibes, and more. Obviously, that is great to fuel superficial connections, not so great for what I need...

I already know the problem is me.

I’m already doing the best I can to fix it.

I keep on hitting my head on the same issues though. I’m better at solving them now but they still make me second-guess my resolve. Thinking that I might be wrong, thinking that I could’ve done something else, or differently... but does it matter?

People don’t care! No one cares! No one cares in a way that reassures me!

The fact that all these connections end as soon as I turn off my devices because they’re all electronic should tell me everything I need to know! And yet, they’re the most accessible for me, if not by them, I would be completely isolated from any human interaction that is not a paid professional or some service worker.

In the end, I feel like it doesn’t really matter whether it’s something online or offline, because the issues are the same... in real life, it’s even worse so that feels very much out of question for me. Always did.

I can just disappear and no one will care in the way I need them to care.

I could die and I would be alone as I lived, same in death.

Everyone is always too busy, there’s always something to do, there’s no time to waste with a broken record. There’s always something new and refreshing for people to find, and much less stressful too.

I know I, myself, am a walking red flag too. I know I’m a very toxic individual. I know I can be very draining and I absolutely do bring the mood down. Even when I try to be something good, to be someone better, I’m still sick.

That’s the only explanation to me: this is a disease. It doesn’t matter what. I don’t even know if what I’m dealing with is really AvPD anymore, all I know is that I am sick, my brain is sick and I can’t seem to be able to heal.

Even if I cry, even if, for whatever damn reason I decide to reach out to people, nothing will change... I have no need for pity or platitudes, I don’t want sympathy either.

It is too much to ask to have someone hold my hand and walk this path with me.

The irony is that even if I do find this someone, I’ll make them go through hell, like I always do when someone manages to get too close.

Holding my hand will not be enough... so I guess I should say what I actually mean:

I want someone to be with me. To be there to me, for me. I want someone to choose me, despite the pain, despite the hardships, despite the disease. I want someone thinking I’m worth it all for them. I want someone I can grow with. Among other things.

I am that person for myself already, and everyday I strive to be more. That’s probably why my heart remains soft, and I remain hopeful.

I’ll never be able to go back in time and live all the years that went to waste, I can only grieve them. Same with all the lost connections.

I don’t feel quite lost anymore, there’s just a lot on uncertainty...

I can only ever go forward.

Where do I go from here? Am I doing the right thing?

#avpd #avoidance #avoidant #avoidant personality disorder #inanis post #loneliness

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 1 year

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Has anyone else had difficulty this year or last with finding themselves behind everyone else on starting to do things again, and this having the slightly unexpected (to me, at least of when it first started happening) of being behind schedule with the reactions? I’ve had this happen a lot since last spring, and even more since last fall when I started properly trying to do stuff again for the first time, and I haven’t heard many people talk about it. I guess because by nature it won’t be something most people experience. But I recently heard someone put into words a few things that have happened and that I haven’t been able to really articulate or attribute before I heard it sort of explained.

I’ve compared being around people after lockdowns (I don’t really mean “after lockdowns”, because I stayed home not just during government-mandated lockdowns but also any during time they recommended we stay home, but I don’t know a better way to put that, I can’t say “after COVID” because it isn’t “after COVID”) to alcohol tolerance. That if you don’t drink for months then you’ll be drunk after two beers. I’ve always found it difficult to be around people for too long, but had built up a tolerance to it out of necessity. After 2020 and 2021, I found that tolerance completely shot. When I tried for in-person interactions, I needed breaks much faster than I had in 2019, in a way that I think may have been accommodated better back when everyone was still getting used to it.

I stayed in something close to full lockdown mode until about May of 2022, but even then, I’d go out a bit and then get paranoid and stop, and there was a lot of stopping and starting until quite late in 2022. I felt okay when I could wear a mask, but not so much at sports practices, where masks are not practical, and even if we wore them, it would be pointless. There’s just no socially distanced version of this one, no safe way to do it in COVID conditions. You know how when people first got vaccinated, everyone made jokes about “now I can go back to licking doorknobs the way I did in 2019”? That’s pretty much what my friends and I actually did. “Oh good, now we can go back to gathering several times a week with a bunch of other people in a cramped indoor space, and taking turns to physically roll around in each other’s personal space and on a mat covered in their sweat, and then change partners to make sure everyone does this with everyone else before we all go home.”

My first few weeks back – really my first few months back, but it was a little at a time spread out across months as I kept stopping when it got too hard, and then starting again weeks later – were so difficult, and I think it was worse because no one else was going through it. I needed to come back slowly, a little at a time, while I got used to it and figure out where I fit. While everyone else had already done their processing and things just seemed normal to them.

I’d get panic attacks so frequently, and I don’t know how much was because I’d spent two years being conditioned to view that indoor close contact as a dangerous and scary situation, and how much was because my tolerance for human interaction was so low and it got overwhelmed within minutes. Due to what I think is a combination of those factors, I spent a lot of hours sitting in the change room freaking out, and then I’d go home and feel absolutely hopeless about the fact that the thing I loved before COVID was lost to me. I felt like I’d never be able to enjoy it again.

Things got better eventually, but so slowly. And they’re still not perfect, though they’re much much better than before. But I think I did resent a little how it was only weird for me, because everyone else was less careful than I was and went back to it long before I did. So everyone else did their “Yeah this feels weird” phase while I was still refusing to leave my house except to get groceries. And then I go back and to everyone else this is just normal, they’re already used to it, and I’m just trying to figure it out on my own.

I went to a tournament for the first time in November 2022, and that was weird too because I felt like it should be a reunion, but it wasn’t for everyone else. Before COVID all these people saw each other most weekends for most of the year, and then they went so long without it, and coming together again was a big deal. But that happened long before I joined, and by the time I got on board, they were all used to it again. So there was no sense of this one being a big deal to anyone but me.

I asked my friend what it was like at the first couple of tournaments, and he said it was weird but very good. Everyone had been hurting so much, and they were all so relieved to see each other again, even the ones who never got along. People from different teams that had always had drama were hugging each other and talking just because they were so happy to be back. Everyone was a little hesitant and a little rusty and a little uncertain. And I really wish I’d been part of that. I’m bad at adjusting to changes anyway, and I’ve found it harder to do once everyone else had already adjusted and this was only weird anymore for me.

A lot of people were very nice, of course. In some cases, the one thing that was new for the people around me was my presence, and that was something. I had some old friends who were very excited to see me back. And a lot of people were understanding of how often I needed to take breaks, especially at first but really I still do. I’m much more adjusted than I was, but not to how it was in 2019. The bar for how long I have to be around people before panic attacks occur is still lower than it used to be. And I still don’t really feel safe or comfortable in close indoor conditions with no mask.

Again, it’s just something I haven’t heard many people talk about, because by it’s nature, it’s something that hasn’t happened to most people. So I hadn’t even really put into words how much this affected my experience, until I heard it talked a bit a bit yesterday and said “Oh right, that’s what’s been happening.” But I figure if anyone else has experienced this, it’ll be people on this website. So I guess the point of this post is to say... anyone else know what I’m talking about with this? If so, sorry to hear that, and it’s not just you, and maybe it’s worth trying not to lose all hope for the future the way I did, because maybe adjustment does happen eventually and things can get better.

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cj-furry-shipper · 11 months

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I’m going to be in the process of revamping my Helluva Boss/Hazbin Hotel self insert. It’s not going to be too much of a change but it’s going to refine some of the rougher edges of this design. This includes removing the sort of, for lack of a better phrase, “twink curve” the self insert has and making it so the body type closer resembles my actual body type, including slightly more broader shoulders. Not that that’s the reason for the change; it’s mostly because the only version I have of my si is pretty jagged in quality atm.

That being said, some people have questions concerning why my character has such a human face. Although he isn’t the first character to have a sort of normal human face in terms of structure (Alastor and Charlie for example) my character retains very normal facial structure and tone and color and lacks any animal ears or demonic markings. But that’s only because that human face isn’t actually his real face.

For context, he is a fallen angel. I don’t know how exactly fallen angels work specifically in the canon of the show, but what I do know is that this is what I want my SI to be. Figuring out the “how” can be adjusted as more information is revealed and I can change the process accordingly. (In addition to this, although it’s commonly said in general Christianity stuff that humans don’t become angels when they die, they become saints, humans aren’t supposed to become demons when they go to hell either. However, in the setting of hazbin hotel, sinners are a class of demon. Because of this, it isn’t too far fetched to think that a saint can be considered an angel classification. Also the wiki says humans can be angels so yee.)

That being said, what I’m wanting to emphasize is that true form is of the shadowey figure. Essentially, that shadow face with the white eyes becomes what his actual face is when he’s in heaven (and remains his true face in hell). It represents how during his life he spent most of it trying to be what other people wanted him to be. He never developed his own identity and struggled with hobbies, social interactions, etc because he spent his whole life doing what his family and “friends” wanted him to do. He didn’t have a sense of his own individuality. In fact, no one on Earth even knows that he’s bisexual with a slight male lean. That’s something he kept completely private until he was killed and went to heaven.

His interactions with IMP when he was still a normal human (I’d assume this involve whenever IMP went to the human world) helped him on the right path funnily enough, but it didn’t change the fact that he still struggled with his own identity. That’s why, upon his death, even when he became an angel at some point in heaven, he still had a shadow with glowing eyes for a face. He still felt like a shadow of what he thought he was supposed to be.

So, when he finally decided to go to hell for reasons that he developed on his own, he became able to wear the face he remembered having like a sort of mask. So at the very least, he has a way of showing his identity. It is him taking his first real step since he made a decision that could have grave consequences to his well being, but he did come to make the decision on his own.

So yeah, tldr, the human face he has is technically a mask he manifests, and the “mask” resembles the face he had when he was still a normal human.

Just figured I’d put this here in case anyone was confused is all. Especially since I have I’ll keep this aspect of him canon throughout future posts with him and Loona.

Oh and another side note, not sure how fallen angels’s abilities can be expressed, but I would like it for my character to be able to traverse to the other rings. I know that sinners can’t do that, but so far no information has indicated whether fallen angels are forced to abide by the whole “must stay in the pride ring” rule that Sinners have to abide to.

Currently, my character is able to go down a couple levels of the ring, but with each descent he gets much weaker. The lowest ring he can go to is Lust, but if he stays there for too long he dies and respawns in the pride ring (we know that sinners can only be perma killed by angel weapons. Whether they just respawn in the pride ring or some other thing occurs has yet to be indicated. I am just working with the information we know so far).

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minibagel7 · 2 years

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hihiihhuiiiii hello I’ve been wondering if I’m autistic since mid august and I wake up solely to consume knowledge about autism and I think that in itself is a sign because I believe this is a hyperfixation and I looooove psychology sm I’d consider it a special interest. I’m just rambling sorry- onto the list!!! 🤭

• SPECIAL INTERESTS: I absolutely have special interests specifically in psychology, ANY form of art (drawing, painting, movies, music, ETC.), nature, animals, and colors I guess?? That’s a new one but they’ve always fascinated me.

• sensory issues: ah yes, throwing a fit and crying because my church dress was too itchy. “It’s made of cotton???” I DONT CARE MOTHER, THE STITCHES ARE P A I N F U L. Strong smells and tastes/textures immediately overwhelm me, like head aches, gagging, flappy hands, body wiggle, sometimes crying. I seem to hear things that other people don’t ahahahhahahaha- I literally hate that blazing ball in the sky that we call the sun 👹 some days it’s burning my eye balls the next it’s not bright enough idk it’s weird

• echoing: I’m literally a human mocking bird. If you said something a certain way or someone on TV did then I am going to repeat it. It’s an uncontrollable action 💀

• stimming: I can and will break into song at any given moment, mostly physically but mentally if I have to (like in class). I will shake my leg, rock back & forth, chew the inside of my cheeks, flap my hands, aggressively wiggle my body, kick, compliment people or things if I feel like it. Bouncing and spinning too <33

• hyperfixations: I’ve had like a billion of these and they vary with how long they last. Could be hours, days, weeks, months, and years if I’m lucky. I will consume every thing I can about it and sacrifice my sleep for it. I love buying merchandise like FUNKO POPS!!!!!!!!! I only have one but I’m trying to expand my collection.

• social interactions: ARE FUCKING EXHAUSTING. When I first learned what masking was I had an identity crisis realizing that I have no real sense of self because I’m just MIRRORING PEOPLE. ALL THE TIME!!!!!!! I’ve always felt like everyone was better at socializing, and that I “missed that class” as if it really is a class. In elementary school it was awful, I was so obsessed with mine and other people’s behavior, and I was very sensitive and judgmental. I started doing that because when I tried to be myself I got bad reactions, so masking was kinda like a safety blanket, a very unhealthy and depressing safety blanket. However, thanks to the internet and probably a cartoon, I realized it’s better be myself so I started doing that…but only with people I’m close with. Which is two people (not including family members), another autistic person and the “quiet kid”. I still mimic other people, but now I’m just very passive and quiet to hopefully avoid social interaction as much as I can.

• eye contact: I can maintain it…I guess. When I think about doing it, it’s either very excessive or just “yikes eye contact im gonna look at their hands, the wall, or literally anything but their eyes” ahahahwhhsha

• social rules: I’ve never really understood these but I thought I would get in trouble or something if I didn’t do them.

• development stuff: according to my mother, I hit all of my milestones on time but I was a very quiet baby and I knew how to self soothe since birth, idk if that has anything to with autism but yeah. I sucked my thumb and used sippy cups until I was like 8-9. Apparently I was the only one that liked Frozen after age 7. Anyways

• rules: I was a snitch in elementary and people did NOT like that. I told my mom about it and she explained to me that “there’s just some things you don’t tell on people for” and it stuck with me for the rest of my life. Now that I’m a teenager I have trouble accepting that I can’t be in control of my own life 👹 I lie a lot with is normally not on autistic trait but I do it out of fear of punishment…pretty sure that’s normal.

• executive functioning: my executive functioning skills are such ass that I literally can’t function EXCEPT ORGANIZATION. I LOOOOOVEEEEE organizing and will GLADLY take time out of my day to organize things. When my mom is waiting in line for groceries, I’m happily sorting out the candy and making sure it looks nice and goes where it belongs. Ironically, my room usually ends up as an absolute mess but I like cleaning it.

• I don’t always understand sarcasm, it has to be a phrase I’m used to or said with an extremely obvious tone otherwise I won’t get it…I think.

• repetitive noises make my want to tear my brain in half…LOL!!

• I remember when I finally started being myself and suddenly I was “too much” for everyone. I had low empathy, no filter, very blunt, and SOOOOO much stimming.

OKAY I think im done, I’ll lost more about it later.

#autism #autism in girls #am i autistic?#is that happening with me????#idk man

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xaviernottheprofessor · 2 years

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Entry #001

A journal a day, keeps the doctor away. Or some dramatic shit like that.

I’m doing it. I’m finally writing in here. I’m still not convinced this will help me much but I guess I understand the appeal. Fitting that I’d purchase my first notebook in New York City. It’s one that I had been eyeing to write some of my ‘go to jokes’. You know, the type you store in your comedic arsenal to drop on someone when you’re literally out of words to say. I decided to use my phone notes for that instead. Turns out, since the break-up, I’ve needed those notes opened more often than not. So I guess I’ll begin there. Social interaction has been strained. A lot more than usual. Before, I’d do well enough to get by. I mean, I’ll give myself more credit. Dr. Kennedy believes I should so yeah, I got by really well. Now, not even masking does the trick. There are days I really feel like my mattress could swallow me up and I’d be better off if it did. But then I think about who’s going to tell Emmie that my mattress swallowed me up. No one. And you know what happens next. She ends up losing it.

God, I’m cheeky even in my journal entries. So what do I do? I know that it’s a big deal to give myself a pat on the back for trying. I got out of bed, I put on some clothes, I ate a meal, I smiled a little, I text a friend, I flew out to New York, I worked. I did it. I did good today. And yet, I feel like the perpetual sadness will never leave me. Not to be dramatic but I never thought it would be this difficult. Then again, I never thought it would happen. Athena keeps sending me break-up Tik Tok videos which she now by the way blames me for break-up Tik Tok being her FYP. Anyway, she sends me these videos and it’s all about people who went through it and then three months later had a massive glow-up. I’m lucky if I look good enough to be on the cover of Entertainment Weekly. I still don’t know how I’ll make that photo shoot tomorrow. Glow ups? More like let me go back to bed, please.

It’s strange that the height of my sadness is occurring during the height of my career. This somehow makes me more interesting. Sure, people want to see my acting chops and are excited to bring me on to projects but they’re also curious about me and my old relationship and Ship Wrecked. It’s a weird and unsatisfying thing that’s happening to me right now. I feel like I’m living in some parallel universe. Hopefully the hype doesn’t disappear when my I guess eventual glow-up does occur. Then what? I’ll only have my pretty face left. Jokes.

Speaking of pretty faces, I finally got to meet Henry and the sad thing about THAT is he had been DMing me for about a month to try to get together and I’ve been that oblivious of the world around me. When I asked why not text me? He kinda brushed it off as, he didn’t want to bother me. He’s kind that one. He’s got like kind eyes and he laughs at my jokes. Probably a little too much but I think that’s because he knows my mattress is coming for me. He checks on me like every 5 minutes and I have to remind him I’m not going to self combust...yet. He refuses to believe that. For someone who’s personally known me (and not thru biased commentary from my friends Thomas and Celeste) for only a day and a half, he has an optimistic view of how things will turn out. I’ll get the love of my life, he tells me. I’m inclined to believe him after a few glasses of wine.

I think I’ve made a new friend in him which is always nice. The world always needs new friends, allies, people who will check on you every 5 minutes and throw contracts at you when you’re not adjusting to reality. Khamani brought me animal fries and Celeste keeps Raj off the conversation which is also good for me. Frankie just sends a meme and then tell me they love me. Their way of making me believe that there is no side taking. I know there isn’t. And Amaya...tries because the idea of giving up hardly makes sense for her. Too bad Raj and I seem to be on a different plane of thought. Juni and Chris have also been the friends I needed. Chris keeps me busy with work and good conversation. Juni brings in the laughs (and unknowingly so). Bless all their hearts. I love them.

It’s hard for me to think about how much I miss him even when I’m being told to do just that. Work through my crap all of that therapeutic stuff that gets thrown at you. It’s hard because it hurts and lately what happens is the more I think about it, the angrier I get and the last thing I want is to turn any good memories I have into bad ones. I’d rather live in my deniability a bit longer. But I do miss him. More than I’ll have have the chance to tell him. That’s the worst part of it all. Closure isn’t even on the radar for us.

Anyway, that’s all I’ve got right now. I wish I had more. New York City is just as I left it, SF is probably the same. London is just a fog of memories. Someday, I’ll feel settled enough to call one of them home. Until then, I’ll try to keep writing in here.

#( journal. )#tw: depression

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hismercytomyjustice · 1 month

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Alack, I finished work too late to nap. 😭

Now I play the dangerous game of trying to stay awake while also hoping and praying I don’t get a second wind…

Also my therapist murdered me today. T_T It was a very good session, but DAMN she laid out some truth bombs.

We’re working on some light exposure therapy now on a potential obsession/compulsion we’re trying to verify. Nothing too intense, but it’s my first real time doing it so we’ll see how it goes.

Apparently there’s also ICBT that’s tailored specifically toward folks with autism and OCD, so that’s pretty cool.

I had a formal Autism assessment a few months ago that kind of came back inconclusive. The administrator had been considering the diagnosis but her supervisor said I wasn’t showing Autism signs in enough areas in my life.

The assessor and my therapist both feel there’s a chance that I do have it though. My therapist told me today she felt I checked enough boxes, but she’s not a specialist in Autism.

Part of the difficulty is that ADHD, OCD, and Autism all massively overlap. ESPECIALLY OCD and Autism (see pic below).

So I’ve kind of been in limbo. I have two professionals saying it’s a maybe, but nothing definitive. If I don’t have it, my ADHD and OCD align in such a way that it mimics it pretty well.

The thing is, I’ve been told I’m REALLY good at masking by my therapist. I also score really high for masking on assessments. I think if I’d done this assessment in high school, there’s a chance I would’ve gotten the diagnosis without any doubts involved. But am I ADHD masking, Autism masking, or both?

Was I just an anxious, socially awkward kid who only needed practice interacting with people? Or did I just learn to mask/camouflage?

My therapist said she’s going to look more into what indicates autism vs OCD, but it’s not an easy thing to do. Folks are often misdiagnosed because of how similar they can be.

She also suggested we create my own venn diagram like the above with my personal experiences/traits to see if we can tease more of it all out into the open.

I’m kind of a late diagnosed OCD and ADHD person. I’ve spent a lot of time over the past few months trying to better understand what I can attribute to ADHD, OCD, both, or neither so I can be mentally healthier and develop strategies accordingly.

I am really excited about the therapy homework she’s given me on this front because there’s a chance my need to verify whether or not I have Autism is being caused by my OCD. It’s a vicious cycle of “I’m pretty confident I have it and I have multiple professionals telling me it’s a possibility” to “I don’t want to accidentally co-opt something that isn’t true and be one of those mental illness/disorder/etc fakers” and around and around we go!

Thankfully it’s not leading to full blown distressing thoughts or anything. It’s more just frustrating/annoying not knowing for sure.

And the thing is, there’s a lot of healthy coping techniques that can suddenly become unhealthy if the OCD gets ahold of them. It’s normal to look for reassurance or to want answers for something like this. It can just be a fine line to walk.

My therapist told me today that one of the difficult things about OCD is that the obsessions have a hint of truth to them. Like, it’s very important to me not to claim something I don’t have because I know how fucked up that can be and how it makes it harder for people who actually do have it to get the help they need. That is a true statement. But am I just trying to be aware of that and to respect the community? Or am I working myself into an OCD loop over whether or not I’m a bad person if I could be mistaken that I have Autism?

I was talking to her too about how helpful it’s been to work through this stuff via journaling. I journal off and on, but doing it on tumblr makes it easier to not overthink it or expect too much of myself.

I feel like I’ve been learning a lot about myself though, so I’m glad for that.

Now back to trying to stay awake…

#life things #ocd #mental health #therapy

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