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dark-tides-in-faerun · 6 months

Note

I have poor blood circulation and on cold nights look like a stereotypical vampire. Could you write a humorous, SFW fic of someone seeing Tav's bite marks and pale complexion and telling Astarion to keep his bloodsucking friend on a tight leash? (Tav can be GN or female, either work for me).

Thank you so much for requesting ilysm! So I realized that I’ve never written anyone in a fit of laughter before (possibly for a reason LOL) but here’s my best attempt 🧡

The Vampire in the Tavern

sfw Astarion x you story!

Astarion is angry.

He’d finally managed to get you to himself, a night at last without the others vying for your attention, and some peasant woman keeps looking over at you from the bar, dark eyes sliding up your body in a way that he knows all too well.

It’s possessive. It’s proprietary. And it’s pissing him off.

It had started as just mildly irritating, a glance here and there. But she’d been at it for at least an hour now, and not only does that wretch have no right to eye up his partner, but the implication that she finds you more appealing than she does him is vexing. Extremely vexing. And it doesn’t seem to matter how many times Astarion touches you. How many times his fingers lightly graze the line of your jaw or brush against your hand, that godsforsaken woman won’t stop staring.

And you’ve not noticed, of course. For a formidable warrior and your party’s fearless leader, your lack of awareness of your surroundings is astounding, especially where Astarion is concerned. It’s a trait that exasperates and exhilarates him in equal measure. He could do without it on the battlefield, but in a social setting, he delights in it. The way that just catching your eye can cause words to die on your lips, whatever conversation you’d been in briefly forgotten with just a little glance from him. He slips his hand a little higher up your thigh just to prove it to himself, and when your breath catches in response, he smiles.

If only that bloody woman would stop staring, this had the beginnings of a very promising night indeed.

You clear your throat, cheeks flushed and put both hands on the table, pushing yourself to your feet. Astarion frowns but you shoot him an apologetic smile that’s meant to reassure and it does, sinking through his skin and warming his unbeating heart. It’s adorable.

“I’ll be right back. Nature calls.” You say, by way of explanation, and though you’re trying to keep your voice steady, he can hear your desire, thick and sweet as it sticks in your throat. Delicious.

“I’ll be waiting, my sweet.” He lets the words fall from his lips in a way that’s sultry and intentional, staring up at you from beneath dark eyelashes, and you actually shiver. Astarion grins, delighted with himself, as you flush and turn away. His eyes dart back to the woman, and his grin dies on his lips, mood immediately souring again as her beady little eyes fix on you as you make your way to the bathroom.

The absolute fucking audacity.

You see the cords in her throat working as she swallows, biting her lip, and the she does something even more audacious than simply looking at you. As soon as the latrine door swings shut behind you, she rises to her feet and starts to walk over to the table.

Astarion glares up at her, not bothering to hide his irritation, as she comes to a halt at the edge of the booth. She looks uneasy, calloused fingers pulling at the threads of her road worn shirt, and Astarion swears that if she so much as asks for your name he’s going to rip her throat out where she stands, witnesses be damned.

She hovers for a moment, not speaking, and that serves to only annoy him more.

“Yes?” his voice is tight and cold, and she flinches at the harshness. Good.

“I-I’m sorry to interrupt you sir, but…” She trails off into silence and he grinds his teeth.

“Yes, well how sorry can you truly be, given that you have interrupted me.” He snaps and Astarion frowns as he realises that she’s actually shivering. What in the nine hells. He knows that you’re good looking, but this is a bit much. “Come on then, spit it out. I haven’t got all night.”

“I… I’m sorry, but I couldn’t just – I couldn’t in good conscience sit by.” She says and he raises an eyebrow and takes a sip of his drink. A strange way to approach the topic of wanting to snatch his date from him, but at least it was a start. “Sir, you’re in grave danger.”

He splutters, spitting wine over the table in a most undignified way as she stares back at him, wide eyed and fearful.

“I’m sorry, what?” He manages, when he stops choking long enough to speak. His voice is too loud, and the people at the next table look over, but it’s like he’s lost control of his faculties. This is not how this conversation was meant to go.

“It’s true, sir, and there’s not much time. You must leave, now.”

“And might I ask why?” he asks, incredulously, and then immediately recoils in disgust as the woman shoots a fearful glance in the direction of the latrines and slips into the booth beside him.

“That… thing that you’re with.” She whispers, and he has to fight the physical urge to push her away as she grabs his hand between hers. “It’s not a person. It’s a vampire.”

His mouth drops open, but he doesn’t respond. He can’t. The ridiculousness of this situation has actually rendered him speechless. She wasn’t staring at because she fancied you, she was staring because, because-

An uncontrollable feeling rises in his chest.

“You’re not serious.” He gasps, and his voice doesn’t even sound like him.

“Please sir, I’ve seen their kind before and it’s unmistakable. The pallor of the skin, the coldness of the touch.” She’s actually shaking now and it’s too much. He can smell the fear on her, the dampness of her palms as they press against his, the pounding of her blood as it courses through her veins. “They stalk these taverns looking for people to drain dry in alleyways, and that one has its sights set on you, I know it. You have to leave, now!”

He tries not to, he really does.

But he can’t help it.

He fucking cackles in her face.

“Fnnff.” He gasps, grabbing his hand away and covering his mouth, to try and stop the uncontrollable passage of the hysteria that’s flooding from his lips. “Excuse – snnf- e-excuse me.”

“This ain’t no laughing matter, that’s a vampire, in there, I’m sure of it.” The woman cries, wringing her hands, and she looks so earnest that he simply can’t.

“Hah!” He chokes, barely able to draw breath before the next giggle explodes out of him and the woman, for her part, looks appalled.

“I mean it, sir, you’re in danger.” She says, the first hint of annoyance seeping into her voice, and that just sets him off again. He crumples over on the table, hands digging into the wood so hard it buckles beneath his fingers. He almost feels sorry for every time he’s every used Tasha’s hideous laughter on someone, because this is bloody awful. His stomach hurts, tears are leaking from his eyes, but he still can’t stop. Of all the fucking accusations.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees the door to the latrines swing open and you step back into the tavern. He turns to get a good look at you. To see the fearsome night stalker in the flesh, the unholy fiend that has this poor woman so terrified, and when he meets your eyes the expression in them is equal parts bemused and concerned and he fucking wheezes.

You, a vampire.

The woman spots you too, and she stumbles to her feet eyes wide and bright with fear. Astarion throws his head back and lets out a guffaw of laughter so loud and embarrassing that it’s almost enough to sober him, but unfortunately, it’s made you, the object of this woman’s abject terror, jump.

He can’t cope.

“Is everything okay?” Your voice is amused, but a little concerned and Astarion can barely nod as he clutches his stomach. He sees the woman’s eyes slide to your throat and the marks of his bite shine accusatorily back at her in the tavern light.

“Vampire.” She breathes, pointing at you, almost falling over herself as she backs away from them and Astarion collapses onto his side, tears streaming down his face as the woman shoots him one final, terrified look and then turns on her heels and flees into the night.

You stare after her, thoroughly confused now and Astarion is barely able to contain himself enough to move over to let you sit down.

“What in the hells was that about?” You ask, as you slip into the recently vacated spot and Astarion swallows down a giggle, barely able to breathe as he grins at you. It would appear his laughter is somewhat infectious, as you let out a little laugh of your own and touch his face with a bemused frown. And it’s only then that Astarion realizes just how much attention his little display has brought to you both. The people of the tavern are all staring at them and it’s not a friendly look. No doubt they heard the word ‘vampire’ and that, finally, is sobering enough for him to get himself under some semblance of self-control.

“That is a story not for here, my blood sucking friend.” He gasps, stifling another giggle as the look on your face is almost enough to set him off again. He nudges you gently out of the booth and grabs your hand, pulling you towards the tavern doors. “But don’t worry, if I manage to survive the journey in your company, I’ll tell you all about it when we get back to camp.”

#astarion #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #baldurs gate 3 #bg3 astarion #baldur's gate #astarion fanfiction #bg3 astarion fic #astarion fanfic #astarion x reader #astarion x tav #astarion x oc #astarion x you #astarion ancunin #baldur's gate iii #baldurs gate astarion #my writing

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carmyboobear · 3 months

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i’d really like to know your opinion on carmy and sex, in the sex scene with claire he doesn’t seem all there with it

YES I would LOVE to discuss this!! Strap in everyone I have so many thoughts, and I totally invite ppl to agree or disagree :D

Firstly you’re so right… tbh I never gave that scene much thought but I love this take for many reasons. Like, carmy is a VIRGIN. he’s NEVER had a girlfriend. I think he’s barely had friends. He’s not good at relationships. While I do LOVE writing him as a pussy devourer and soft dom it would take a while for him to get to that point… putting this in a read more bc it got lengthy btw

Carmy is a very repressed person by nature. With that being said, I think he’s also very lonely. He definitely has sexual desires and fantasies, but has never let him act on them, nor has given himself the opportunity. After never having sex for 30 years, I think he’s built up a lot of pressure towards it.

He also has so much trouble allowing himself joy of any kind. He has this logic where if he lets himself be happy, tragedy will come. Foreboding joy and all that. That extends to every part of his life, including sex, ESPECIALLY sex, relationships of any kind. But deep down, he truly wants connection, physical intimacy, emotional intimacy.

So when he has sex for the first time, it has to be with someone he really trusts and likes. He’ll put a ton of pressure on himself to feel good, but mostly to make the other person feel good. He’d ask the other person how to make them feel good, what he should do. If he’s good at anything, it’s following instructions, following a recipe to completion.

But he’s probably gonna get too caught up in what he thinks he should be doing to properly enjoy himself. Sex is about communication, something he isn’t good at doing with himself or with others. He’ll get stuck in his own head, possibly being unable to pick up cues from himself or his partner. And probably end up dissociating quite a bit, just like you noticed.

Practice (and communication) makes perfect! As long as he has a patient partner, I’m sure Carmy will be able to reach a comfortable place with sex. He’s a giving person, and he wants to give in bed too, vis a vis pussy eating champion (but also oral fixation lol). I also think a blow job could fix him HAHAHA he could come like. Instantaneously LMFAO

I have a lot of fun writing him being like, super good at sex, and I think once he jumps over some mental hurdles he can become his enlightened pussy destroyer self. That’s the version of carmy I’d write in my fic line “let me love on you”, but realistically, sex for him would look much different than that. That’s what I hope to explore in my slow burn fic “ALEXITHYMIA”!!

Anyway wow my thoughts are all over the place here but I hope this makes sense. I think about carmy so much lol

#carmen berzatto #carmy berzatto #the bear #carmy berzatto x reader #carmy x reader #carmen berzatto x you #carmen berzatto x reader #carmy berzatto x you #the bear fx #the bear Hulu #my asks #IS IT OBVIOUS THAT IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS GUY CONSTANTLY. HAHAHA #also full transparency I typed this out while I’m taking my lunch break at work rn #bear talk

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idkfitememate · 11 days

Text

So anyway this is the newfound brain rot because I got to many ideas, not enough for a fic, but it’s gonna distract me from others so here we go lol-

(Also yeah Grandpa I’m in a manly mood)

Note from weeks later: Nah this bitch a fix tf-

“Tell me about my Дедушка*.”

Capitano looked down at the ginger with contempt. It was often now, since Dottore had let it slip - curse that bastard - that Tartaglia’s Grandfather was a Harbinger. Apparently the boy had been raised to think that great man was simply a lowly solider, not one of the most powerful men in Snezhnaya.

When he heard that, Capitano had never wanted to kill a family more.

They hid your legacy from their kids, how dare they keep living as thought they had any right!?-

He sighed.

The boy continued to bother the much larger man at any chance he got, borderline begging - or now was he? Maybe he crossed that line ages ago - the man to tell him anything about his grandfather.

War stories, tall tales, hell even DRINKING stories, the 11th would take any.

It wasn’t like his Grandfather wasn’t alive, Childe could leave the palace right now and go ask you, seeing as you lived with his family.

But what Childe wanted was to come home one day in a boisterous manner and shout at his parents:

“You LIED you FEINDS!!! How DARE YOU LIE to not only ME but the REST OF YOUR CHILDREN about their ГРАНДФАТЕР?!? And to YOU, ГРАНДФАТЕР, ALLOWED THEM TO LIE!!! How COULD YOU?!?”

But he held to much respect for both them and you, even if his father sent him off as thought sending his blood thirsty son to join the Fatui would do anything. It was like sending a polar bear to a penguins nest, he had no clue what his father was thinking.

No matter, because you were there, showing him moves and teaching him tricks and giving him tips. Though, he still felt a bit betrayed at the fact that you even hid the fact that you were one of the strongest men in Snezhnaya.

“You truly wish to know boy?” The sharp voice of his superior snapped Childe out of his head. A quick nod was enough to bring Capitano to a nearby chair and sit, Childe quickly following.

“He was brave, I can say that much… He was around before me and had made a name for himself long before I even dared touch the Fatui, let alone graced its ranks.”

Childe took in the information like a sponge, absorbing everything the man said.

“They called him Большой хищник Севера*, a powerful title I’m sure you can see. It is said that before his accident, he had not lost a single man in war or battle, but after, he only lost seven men, one of each nation.”

Childe looked on in wonder. Only seven men… in the entirety of his Harbinger career? He knew the Doctor could never account for that.

“Wait… his accident? Do you mean..?” “Yes, when he first received that scar across his face, marring it, that was the first time he lost a man, someone near and dear to him as I’ve heard. I was only then truly climbing the ranks when this happened… a pity. But he wore that scar, and his friend’s Vision, with pride.” Childe gaped.

“Wait, you mean to tell me that-“ “Yes, Tartaglia, that Vision he carries in his eye, as well as arm and ear, back and finger, even his heart, they all work. They are the last pieces of his closest comrades. He’d rather die than give them up, I’ve heard. Unfortunately the strain of using them forced him into retirement, but he comes when we call.”

Childe’s eyes widened as he screamed.

“WAIT THEY WORK?!?-“

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“BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-“

Ajax looked on in awe at his Дедушка. The nearly ten foot tall giant of a man, with a full beard and furry body hair to boot had just pulled a huge fish out from beneath the ice sheet they currently stood on while ice-fishing, bare handed.

Your roaring laughter echoed through the tundra as you held the fish up proudly. You grabbed the then four year old and hoisted him onto your shoulder, that which he could fully sit on and still have some room. His hands latched onto the side of your face but that didn’t seem to phase you, as you continued your loud laughter. The cause of your laughter, being that the fish was the same size as Ajax.

“LOOK AT HOW LARGE IT IS, МАЛЕНЬКИЙ ОДИН*!! SHE IS THE SAME SIZE AS YOU BWAHAHAHAHA!!”

Ajax’s entire body shook as you continued to laugh, giggles beginning to bubble up from his own mouth.

He watched as your Hydro themed earring bounced around as your body gyrated up and down from the mere force of your laughter. His laughter grew until the two of you were basically screaming out through the tundra.

You sighed and - while still chuckling - wrapped an arm around the boys waist and began walking back home. Of course, not before grabbing the bucket filled with other fish from your fishing trip.

Ajax didn’t want to say anything, on account of the fact that it would’ve been disrespectful of course, but your arm that was wrapped around him was bumpy and hard and cold, not unlike a certain place on your chest, though it was just super cold.

The arm was usually covered in more layers or a bunch or bandages wrapped around it to soften its shape and surface, but Ajax could still feel the sharp points and edges, though he never minded.

Eventually you both made it back to the house you shared with his family, and ducking under the doorframe quickly alerted the family of your presents.

“ГРАНДФАТЕР!!!!” Ajax’s two younger siblings - a third was on his way, Teucer would be his name - ran up to you jumping at your feet. You chuckled more and let their heads, greeting each.

“Tonia, Anthon, calm yourselves!! We were only gone a few hours hah hah!!” The two only cried out in joy louder, wrapping themselves around your legs. You stumbled for a moment before walking forward as if they weren’t there.

A man and a woman watched as you walked into the kitchen and subsequently the freezer - ironic considering where you lived - to drop off the fish before waltzing into the living room. You plopped down in the couch, first removing Ajax’s coat and then your own.

The two on your legs let go and smiled up at you, the man and woman - Ajax’s mom and dad - walked over a gave you smile, a hand landing on your shoulder.

Your smile widened.

Archons you fucking loved your family.

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Archons you fucking hated these enemies.

These fuckers from Natlan were resistant little fuckers. You chop off a hand and they’d still keep fighting.

You were growing annoyed after hours of fighting, blood drenching your uniform and absolutely caking your hair, something you knew would be a bitch to get out from experience.

Your right hand of the time, a Natlander by the name of Eztil, was beside you through the whole fight. He wielded large war hammer made of various precious metals and stones, as well as prettified wood; it swung through the skies, heating up the air as his Pyro vision burned bright. Much like you, his battle-hungry smile was long gone, replaced by annoyance as he squished another enemy beneath his hammer, blood spraying across his already bloody face.

“UGH! I’m getting bored nouehuepo*!! When are we going to be finished?? I am growing hungry and wish to challenge you to another eating contest after this!!” He shouted, completely ignoring the man running at him with a knife, whom was taken down by another Fatui member.

“I do not know приятель*. But let us continue until no other man stands but us!” And with that, you both continued swinging. You with your fists, sickles and hammers, him with his war hammer and bursts of flame.

Your movements were in sync, almost like a dance as you ravaged the battle field. You had each others back, making you both the most dangerous force on the battlefield.

If only it could’ve stayed that way.

It was a second. A second to look back at your friend to make a mental check.

Then you felt a searing sensation on the side of your face not looking at him. Eyes quickly looking back, a knife was embedded in your skin and a man had his foot on your chest. He smirked, then dragged the burning hot knife up, towards your eye, but before you could fully react.

Everything went white in that eye, then black.

Then, the most searing, burning, awful sensation you had ever felt.

Your scream silenced the battlefield as you bat the man away with the knife still embedded in your flesh, his body skipping across the land like a stone on a lake. Eztil’s eyes landed on you, which was just enough time for another attack.

“EZTIL!!!” You screamed.

…

A sword embedded itself through his chest. Both your eyes widened as your hand left the knife in your eye, reaching out to your now falling comrade.

You refused to cry, because he’d live.

That’s what you said to yourself as you rushed over to him, not minding your injury.

“Eztil, don’t you DARE fucking close your eyes, do you understand me?!?” Blood bubbles from his lips as his breathing slowed. A tear slipped from his eye as one of his hands pressed against your cheek.

“Nouehuepo… take it.” He whispered. Your gaze became confused as you stared at the dying man.

“What..?-“ “My vision. Take it. She shall be of service to… y-you.” He let out a harsh cough, his blood not staining your skin, making you flinch.

“No. It is yours приятель, I could never-“ “It is my last wish. Y-you wouldn’t deny a d-dying man his last wi-sh, would you?” You sighed, smiling at him.

“I don’t want you to die of enemy hands, so would you allow me to do the honors?” His grin widened, a glint in his eyes as he laughed, which quickly turned to hacking up his lungs.

“O-of co-urse!!” He smiled, and you smiled as well. Your hand flew up to the knife in your eye, and tore it out, not caring for the fountain of blood that squelched out. You also didn’t mind the large flap of skin that fell from your cheek, revealing the musculature of your face and your gums and teeth.

“Goodbye, my friend. May you find many fights in the afterlife to satisfy your bloodlust.” He grabbed your hand with the widest smile you’d ever seen in him.

“And ma-y I see you I-in that place!” Your hand came down onto his head, knife imbedding itself into his skull. Then, you raised your arm and planted the knife tainted with you and his blood now into his chest, striking his heart head on.

The light died from his eyes and his vision, but you quickly picked up the small red jewel which had been attached to his hair. Wiping it off, you leaned back and held your hand forward, before slamming the damned thing into your eye.

The battlefield suddenly felt as though it was atop a volcano itself, the air heating up and ash seemingly falling from the sky. You gripped your friend’s weapon, testing it in your hand and grip, swinging it slightly. Your hands pressed to your waist and your hand tilted to the sky, and finally, you laughed.

Your laughter shook the world, men falling in their asses as you showcased your joy. the air grew even hotter as the vision grew even brighter. Your entire body shook as the ear hammer in your hand heated up to a point where the metals were turning white in heat, though they didn’t melt.

You turned to your men, a wide smile on your face and tears, one trail of water and one of blood, streamed from your eyes.

“WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR MEN?!? LET US FIGHT UNTIL ONLY WE REMAIN!! CHARRGGEEE!!!!”

You continued to laugh as you knocked down tens of hundreds of soldiers in one swipe, the sky nearly turning red at the mere sight of your bloodlust and rage.

That night would go down in history. The night the sky cried blood, the fall of a nation of soldiers, the day Natlan would forever regret.

‘The Night Man became a God”

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You stared at the bloodied Tartaglia- no. You stared at your grandson, Ajax’s bloodied form.

He only looked back at you.

“Well, Дедушка? Have I become a God?”

Holy shit this sucked the shit outta me-

This ain’t the best but I hope you enjoyed might go back and make another of these lmao-

Дедушка - Grandfather

ГРАНДФАТЕР - GRANDFATHER

Большой хищник Севера - The Great Predator of the North

МАЛЕНЬКИЙ ОДИН - LITTLE ONE

nouehuepo - my friend

приятель - buddy

#male reader #x male reader #Genshin impact x reader #genshin impact x y/n #male y/n #platonic #family #Childe!Grandpa!Reader #genshin impact x male reader

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eydi-andrius · 1 year

Text

Vexation

warnings: obscene language, reader talking back to elder people, sweet, fluff. That's all, I think? Haha!

pairings: Aemond Targaryen x Tyrell!Reader

summary:

The well-known Lady Thorn of Highgarden finally visited you after a year of being wed to Prince Aemond. However, you have a feeling it will not go well.

a/n: this was supposed to be a 100 followers thank you fic but I just finished it today lol Enjoy!

like always, LIKES are really welcome but this duck will do the duck dance if you also REBLOG and LEAVE YOUR THOUGHTS about her stories. i love reading them and they inspire me a lot. ✨

You have been acting up since earlier when your mother informed you that your grandmother decided to visit the two of you after many moons of being wed.

~~~~~~

"For someone who hasn't seen their grandmother for years, you seem not thrilled enough, my love." He gave a light chuckle when he saw your face with a sneer.

And you have a feeling that he was enjoying this different side of you.

You're always calm and collected and it was rare to see you so agitated about someone who used to be your mentor.

No, you're not like this because you're troubled she did not visit you sooner.

Nor, it was due to you not caring about her enough either.

It's the opposite.

You love her.......truly.

And you know her better than anyone in this kingdom. Her old bones, wit and all.

If you have been asked to give one word to describe her, that would be; a nuisance.

"Well, if I were you, you should too." He raised his eyebrow at that but the look of wonder was still etched all over his face.

"I still fail to understand what was so wrong in meeting, not just your grandmother but your teacher when you were young. I bet she can share stories I do not know about you, Lady wife."

"I also fail to understand why such a man of your stature was so excited to meet a chattering old lady, Lord husband." You said as a matter of fact.

At this point, you knew that he truly thinks you do not want to meet her for fear of hearing embarrassing stories about your childhood.

He did think about one thing right, but he did not hit the head in the nail on what your fear truly was for.

"Enlighten me, my love. What did your grandmother do to earn your ire?" Before you could share the reason for your distress, a servant's knock disrupted your conversation.

"Pardon me, my prince and my lady. Lady Tyrell was waiting in the sitting room." The servant bowed once she announced the arrival of your family. She stood near the door, waiting for your command.

With a sigh, you stood up and went near your husband. Your hand reaches for his hair and you run through your fingers on his soft locks. Your hand fixes the ones that always seem to find themselves unaligned.

He closes his eyes and leaves a soft "hmmm" on his lips as he savors the feel of your fingers through his hair.

"Are you certain you want me to go and waste my time with that old monster instead of doing this with you?" You smiled sweetly at him and pouted your lips to convince him not to let you go and finally meet your grandmother.

However, instead of saying yes, he chuckled and warm calloused hands clasped yours.

"As much as I love to do that and stay with you in our chambers, wrapped around my arms, your refusal to meet her might leave a wrongful impression towards who I am. So go now, dear wife, I know you'll come back to me safe and sound."

A grumble left you before you pecked his nose. He frowned a bit at your rebellious antics. You always give him a kiss on the lips and wish him well before he trains. But today, you're not giving him that.

Before he could protest though, you stuck out your tongue and winked at him. Leaving him on his own devices as you were escorted by the servant to the place you truly hoped not to visit today.

Even from afar, you can already hear your grandmother's feeble voice from old age. Yet, you know that despite the soft sounds, she's far from tender.

"Here I thought I'll meet my death bed first before you finally show up here." She said with eyes-closed while sipping her tea.

Trying not to roll your eyes, you smiled at the servant and dismissed her. You gave your mother a smile before you sat down beside her.

Servants who were standing closed immediately placed a cup and saucer in front of you. They also filled the table with new biscuits and sweets.

"Well, I guess my timing's not that impeccable because I would have waited more just to see that." The servant who was filling up your tea almost let go of the teapot from shock on what she heard. But as she was a highly trained servant from the palace, she composed herself right away and bowed once she finished her task.

Meanwhile, your mother let out a cough and a choked sound of surprise before deciding to dismiss the servants fully and avoid any more witness from your family banter.

"I can't believe you call yourself a lady with that manners." Once all the servants were dismissed, your grandmother spoked again.

"Apologies, mother. I will make sure to teach her the proper decorum again later." Your mother gave you an eye and you just rolled your eyes at her.

"Not my granddaughter. She's perfect as is. I meant you. Who would have choked on her own tea?" Her feeble voice cracked from hoarseness as she raised her voice, scolding your mother.

A knowing look was passed between you and your mother as she gaped at your grandmother from shock.

If you do not respect your mother, you would have said I told you so.

"Anyway, enough lessons about etiquette. How was the life of being a wife, my favorite grandchild." Even without a mirror, you can see your face twitched from annoyance.

This old hag was indeed testing your patience. It has been a year since your wedding. You'll understand if she did not come to your wedding due to an official business. However, all those times, she was sitting on her favorite chair, sipping her warm tea, inside her chambers in Highgarden.

"It was well, until you decided to come here and ruin it for me." At this point, your mother feigned ignorance and continued with her afternoon tea. She's smarter now as she realized that your grandmother came here for you with an agenda. You're trying to decipher what it was. Yet, you have a feeling you know it already.

"If that was true then, when are you going to give me my grandchildren? Are you impotent? Because I believed based on stories inside these walls, your lord husband made your legs wobble on several occasions. I can only assume that problem was you." The cutlery rang when you put your cup down full of anger from her statement.

It wasn't as if you did not want a child either but no matter how much you did it with Aemond throughout that year, you were still not blessed with a baby. Your husband, the ever sweet partner, assured you that it was fine. Some couples had the hardest time having children and there was no rush.

The insult stings, especially, since it was your family who mentioned it.

"If that was the reason for your visit then I'd rather spent more time doing it with my husband than wasting my time here talking to a wrinkled old thorn." You were about to leave your seat when suddenly, your grandmother grabbed your arm and pulled you back down.

"Oh dear. Your patience was still shorter than my lifespan. Sit back down and let this wrinkled old thorn finish what she was trying to discuss." Still fuming, you followed her but crossed your arms in defiance as you stared straightly in her eyes.

"Well, I would not even agree that you were impotent as our family were known to have no problems with giving birth compared to the Targaryen. But still, answer my question truthfully.

When you're doing it, have you tried using your mouth and licking the tip while massaging his balls so he'll enjoy it. In my time, ladies let their husbands cum first and that method was certain to make them pregnant after a month." Your mother who was quietly listening to your discussion was left coughing violently at your grandmother's shameless words in broad daylight. The tea she was holding splashed everywhere as she tried to compose herself.

To help her calm down, you put your hand soothingly on her back. Your face red with shame as your grandmother continued her obscenities and the advice for the right position to get pregnant next time.

When she realized that you and your mother gave her silence as she told you what must be done, she looked in your direction and raised her eyebrow at your reddened looks.

"Ha! I do not understand why the two of you act as if you did not know what I am saying. Stop pretending to be prim and proper! A man can do and tries everything when he's fucking every lady on these realm but a lady had a chance to only do it with once with one man on her lifetime. Enough with this nonsense and do me a favor and use this." You almost backed away when she suddenly stood up and placed a bag inside your hands. The bag emits a strong sweet smell you've never smelled before.

"What is this?"

"An aphrodisiac."

As if your skin was burnt by the bag, you immediately throw it on the table and stay as far away from it as possible.

"Have your old brain finally given up?" You yelled at your grandmother. Fingers pointing at her accusingly. You can feel the hotness run from your face to your ears and you know that you looked just like an apple from how red you were.

"Oh hush now. Me and your grandfather used to add that to our tea and it always ended up with a child so that product's safe from testing. Not that we need it much but the feeling we have after using it was something I missed so much. Believe me, it will just help your body relax and be more sensitive from your partner's touches compared to other aphrodisiacs." The disgust you felt when you saw her close her eyes and shudder from remembering what she did with your grandfather were so immense you felt all the hair in your body rise.

"Oh gods. My dear ears." On the other hand, your mother's laments as she tries to console her ears and head from what she heard today.

A sudden knock made you jump from where you were standing and you three looked at the door and waited for the announcement of whoever was on the other side.

"Lady Tyrell, his grace, the prince Aemond Targaryen is here to see you."

"Let him in. Let me see my grandson-in-law." Before you can react, your grandmother smiled wickedly at you and announced to let your husband in.

Panicked, you grabbed the bag and put it inside your dress, where a hidden pocket was made.

Your husband came in with a warm smile but frowned when he saw your pale face and rigid body as you stood near a chair.

He titled his head at you in silent question about what happened when your grandmother opens her mouth to greet him.

"If this wasn't the infamous one-eyed prince who was able to tame the biggest dragon at such a young age." A toothy grin was plastered on her face and she walked towards your husband. She opened her arms and hugged him tightly. She also patted him loudly and the gesture confuses your husband but let her do it.

"Hmmm... I know now why my granddaughter is protective of you. I will surely climb you if I am a little bit younger."

The world stopped as you tried to understand what your grandmother said to your dear husband.

You were just glad that your husband did not skip his etiquette classes as he was able to compose himself right away and gave a proper answer from that obscene remark.

"You flatter me, Lady Thorn." He replied with a smile.

Your grandmother chuckled at that and decided to walk back in her seat. But when she passed your way, she whispered something that only your ears can hear.

"If you do not pull him away from this place, I will make sure to make his ears bleed." You looked at her incredulously as she sat back down with a soft look on her face.

Blinking, you looked at your mother, who was still red, and looked back at your husband who was staring at your mouth agaped expression then back to your grandmother, who ordered another servant to bring another warm tea like normal. As if she did not just whisper the most absurd order you've heard.

Without further ado, you stride towards your husband with a purpose and grab his arm away from the chamber.

"Make sure to use my gift tonight, my favorite grandchild." Your grandmother reminded you with a wink.

All you were able to say was a loud groan and you stomped away dragging your husband with you.

"What was that?" He asked. Obviously confused with your manners.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." Looking at your husband's face, your thoughts immediately come back from the nights he kisses your skin and presses himself closer to you. Thanks to your grandmother's scheme.

Stepping backwards farther in his direction, you stride and start running away.

He called your name many times but you can't look back as you slapped both of your cheeks from embarrassment.

How could you feel so turned on in the middle of the corridors just from staring at him. You groaned as you felt your core slicken from just the thoughts of him.

With a scream, you look at the clear sky with determination.

You will prove to your grandmother that you do not need that tea to enjoy your husband's company and bear his child!

~~~~~~

Meanwhile, back inside the room, Lady Tyrell cleared her throat and finally opened her mouth to talk to Lady Thorn.

"Do you truly need to edge her that way? I believe they're doing their best."

"Then, their best was not enough. With that type of husband, I can't believe she was having a hard time having a child. All she needed was a little push. I know it." The old lady smiled to herself and sighed as she looked outside and witnessed the beauty of spring.

She was sure that this will be a fruitful year for the Highgarden.

#aemond targaryen x reader #aemond targaryen #aemond x you #aemond fic #prince aemond #hotd fanfic #hotd #hotd fic #house of the dragon #aemond one eye #house of the dragon aemond #aemond x reader #aemond fanfiction #aemond oneshot #writing: aemond targaryen #eydiandrius #aemond targaryen x you #aemond targaryen fic

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lynnlovesthestars · 1 month

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Okay I only read ONE of your fics and now I’m obsessed, I’m doing one request for Wyll then a second for Gale- you could do either, neither, both- whichever lol

Wyll x Tall!WaterCreature Tav

Idk I just like the thought of a very intimidating/tall creature that even acts tough but completely fumbles and gets insecure once after dating Wyll. Maybe seeing Wyll as the most beautiful thing in the world then getting insecure about being treated so nicely. (Perhaps this could be a smut?)

OH I AM SO LATE AND IM SORRY BUT IT TOOK ME A WHILE, I REWROTE IT A FEW TIMES BEFORE COMPLETING IT, AND JUST TODAY I GOT MY BETA READER'S REPLY SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO IM GOING TO PROVIDE. I HOPE YOULL LIKE IT.. I LEFT IT GENDER NEUTRAL..

Pairing: Wyll x Reader (Tall! water creature- water nymph)

Genre: fluff smut, slight body worship, oral reader recieving, improper use of horns and mentions of forked tongue

WC: 1.5k

Master list

SEASALT

Wyll had many reasons to be intimidated when you two met: years of wandering through the wasteland of the hells made the vastity of the sea foreign to him, including those who lived amongst them. So at first glance he couldn't tell the difference between a Rusalka and you, a simple water nymph.

Initially, when he first started doting you he was always wondering if it was possible for you to be so breathtaking or you charmed him with your voice like sirens were rumored to do. He was relieved- and low-key flustered, when he realized that it was way beyond siren's lullabies, you had lured him with your kindness and those stunning blue eyes he hardly could resist.

He was in love and- despite his poor attempt at hiding it- everyone noticed how his eyes gleamed with a different light when he looked at you.

You had disappeared in the woods to take a bath, no more than a couple hundred meters from camp, while Gale started fixing dinner for everyone, as much as Wyll wanted to resist the urge to join you, fully aware of your shyness, when Gale asked for a volunteer to fetch you, he didn't hesitate to suggest himself.

He quickly scurried through the trees, uncaring if the roots of the trees or the branches would slap him, quickly making his way to the clearing.

You were truly a work of art, swimming fluidly around the lake, with nothing to cover you but water. It was as if you melted in the cold water, becoming one with it and mixing with it in a mesmerizing swirl.

He was so focused on following your movements that he almost forgot why he rushed to find you, and barely made a sound.

His eyes lingered on your hips, and on the curve they formed, they lingered on your chest rising rhythmically as you started another lap, and he wondered what your skin tasted like.

Was it sweet like lake water, or was it salty like an ocean? He wondered what it felt to trace the curves of your body with his devilish tongue, whether it would make you squirm or leave you breathless.

He snapped out of it when he heard the sound of leaves crunching and your figure slowly- or so it seemed to him- leave the water behind you, emerging with grace from the surface, as if the water was a veil over your form.

He quickly cleared his throat, taking a step closer and gently cupping your cheek. “Truly breathtaking” He smiled as he rested his other hand on your naked hip. You couldn't help but blush, the blueish hue of your skin turning a pretty shade of purple in with a blush so warm it would have made water boil.

“I didn’t expect you here” You smiled softly, a smile that would snatch Wyll’s soul away in the blink of an eye.

“Couldn’t resist you” He smiled smitten as he kissed your cheek lovingly. The sweet taste of lake water lingered on his lips as he kissed your jaw, and then right underneath on your neck, sending waves of goosebumps down your spine. The lingering feeling of his lips on your skin almost cut your breath away as he took one long moment to worship your skin.

“Let me taste you” He whispered after hearing your soft moan, giving in to the ache in his stomach for something more;

“What happen to waiting until marriage?” You chuckled as he guided you down to lay on the grass, the pinpricks of the thousands of strands of green grass delicately scraped against your skin, just enhancing your senses. It was pointless to cover yourself, he had already admired every inch by the time you were conscious of his lingering eyes.

“I’m just gonna leave a few kisses, promise” He murmured as his lips trailed down your neck with open mouthed kisses. His touch, his mouth, they were languid as he traced every inch of your skin with it, as no matter how many times he had grasped at your hips, they were never enough for him, they were never engraved well enough in his mind, and so he had to start anew with kisses, fleeting touches, sinking nails, hot tongue until he was satisfied again. Despite the amount of times he spent worshipping evert inch of your body, he would never cease to make you blush, to give you the sweetest of praises, to make you shy under his touch.

His forked tongue quickly found its way to your nipple, gently parting and teasing the peak, flicking it between the two ends before moving to the other. He was already drunk on the sweet moans you were gifting him as he couldn’t help but suck on the other nipple, leaving a small bite before resuming his descent towards your heat.

He traced your stomach with his tongue, down to your navel till your hip, biting, kissing licking as if you were a meal he had been starving for, yet when his breath hit your inner thigh, and you let out his favourite mewl, he sat up, earning a yelp in complaint as you wished to feel his lips scorching your skin again.

His palm reached for your calf, gently bringing it to his lips and leaving another kiss, yet all you could focus on was the way his pants couldn’t hide his hard cock, desperate for his own release.

You were going to ease his pain just like he was easing yours, yet the moment he noticed you sat up, he admonished you.

“Ah, let me worship you” He leaned forward to place his free hand on your still naked chest and gently pushing you back down on the grass. “You have to worry only about my lips, love” He purred as he nibbled again on the soft skin. He was slow and determined, unhurried as he marked and tended your precious leg, it was like a sonnet written with his lips on your flesh only for you to read, and the rhymes where your gasps and his grunts.

It was moments later that his hot breath hit your wetness just enough to leave you yearning for those lush lips around your arousal.

“Say the word and I’ll stop” He murmured before lowering and kissing your swollen sex.

“Don’t you dare” You moaned as his forked tongue traced your length, slowly tantalizing, savoring every centimeter and every drop of slick you were gifting him.

His grip was ironclad on your hips, keeping you in place as he couldn’t help but lick and nibble and dive between your tights, as he helped them around his head.

In the silence of the forest all you could hear were the soft mewls you’d let out and his muffled moans and coos.

He desperately sucked and feasted as his own cock started aching, desperate for any friction, yet when you reached to grab on his horn he knew he was done for, he was going to cum so quickly his eyes rolled back.

Before you knew he was teasing your entrance as well, his dripping finger prodded at your hole a few times before sliding in effortlessly, stealing a hum both from you and him.

He couldn’t help it anymore as he rutted desperately against the grass while he pumped his finger insatiably in you.

It built up quickly, as he stimulated your every sense, clenching eagerly around his finger and already oozing on his swollen lips while he fucked the ground, so quick that you barely had time to register his blissed face that you were taken over by your orgasm.

Wyll drank and drank from your sex, every drop as if it was sustenance he was deprived of all his life, and only when you both were back on the material plane, he rose from your legs.

His pants were unmistakably stained by his own release while his lips glistened with what was left of yours. “I apologize for being so quick” He shook his head with crimson cheeks. “But you were ravenous, my love” H

“Wyll Ravengard, If you apologize again I will punch you” You threatened him softly as you recoiled in your little shell, shy. Pulling your legs to your chest and resting your chin on your knees.

He couldn’t help but laugh as he crawled closer ready to wrap himself around you and shield your body despite he was shorter.

“My precious” He whispered as he placed a soft kiss on your temple. “Want to stay here for a while longer, or would you rather go back to camp?” He asked as he helped you on his lap.

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orangelemonsstuff · 11 months

Text

Okay my last fic made me more inspired so here is my version of my automation au- this au still belongs to @jackplushie and i only take inspiration so the credits for the au belongs to them :>

btw id be referring to the reader/mc as the Scavenger since its kinda fitting title

(I'm going to continue the characters in another post)

The (Main) Characters

MC/Reader: The Scavenger who sells useable parts of robotd and androids for living, but although before they become a scavenger they are a student at the prestigious NRC Tech. Academy, but for some reason they had to drop out (or was forced by the headmaster to drop out) and end up where they are now. (the reason and their backstory is in your hands)

Grim: The Assistant/Companion Catbot. he was found by Sam the Trader and was sold to the scavenger to fix up, although to him the Scavenger is a simpleton henchman that he orders, he cares deeply for them and swore to stay by their side forever (the owner doesn't choose the cat, the cat chooses it's owner. plus who wouldn't you were the one has his weekly supplies of oil and tuna batteries)

Sam: The Trader that the scavenger sells parts to, he gives fair price to whatever the Scavenger had for him and good trinkets to give them, it is still a mystery how he got acquainted with the headmaster of NRC as why he's very familiar with him, but how had he known who the Scavenger is?, after all why would he, a businessman approach a random scavenger who only sells junk unless.... that he knew they studied in the academy of his acquaintance and interested in their abilities

World Building

The world of twisted wonderland had fell into the hands of machines. gadgets, androids, bots, artificial intelligence. you name it

the world is now filled with futuristic machinery that one could clap their hands and a android would do it for them

but as there are many gadgets and robots that populates the city like humans there are tons of dumpsites too. thats where you, my Scavenger makes a living. the Ramshackle Landfill is where most of the city's broken or discard androids and bots are thrown away and their body parts where you mostly get your money from, most of the you have good finds, some has no hope to make you a selling at all which marks them as bad finds, and last... are finds of androids that are still working yet thrown away for some reason (I'll get to them in the next post)

the Scavenger or you lives in a abandoned modernized smart home, not that far from the city of Sages but not too close either. nearby your was a dumpster of robotic parts where you scavenge and farage everyday, although it wasn't as the same anymore when you found yourself using your knowledge from studying in the academy to fix discarded androids. (only for them to be obsessed with you every time of the day, honestly...)

The NRC Tech. Academy is somewhere in the center of the city, it truly is prestige only to accept students that has skills and/or talents to create robotics for the economy and living. most android company CEO'S/Owners studied there, graduated and created bots for the society to use. but the headmaster of that academy tends to have alot of secrets maybe one of it was the reason why you dropped out.

(okay this is pretty much is it bout the basics so ill get to the characters later lol.

actually i do have a plan for the Reader/Scavenger's backstory about them being Crowley's child and being the top mechanic/technician in the academy but having a disagreement together with Crowley was the reason they dropped out but since Crowley is Crowley

he bought his child a home near a dumpsite out the goodness of his heart and keeps an eye on them by using Sam as a watcher

BUT THEN I REALIZED I WAS DICTATING THE READER'S OWN BACKSTORY AND NOT LETTING THEM DECIDE FOR THEMSELVES SO I DIDN'T CONTINUE

i want the reader to enjoy the imagination on their own way too so... the scavenger or your actual backstories belong to you guys lol dont let me dictate it.)

#twisted wonderland #twst #twst scenarios #twst fanfic #twst x reader #twst mc #twst grim #automation au

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ghouljams · 5 months

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winter weather is making me super soft and needy, even though I live alone 😭

could you share which excerpts in any of your pieces that mean a lot to you? could be just the writing itself or its significance to the story

Yes absolutely I can. This is going to get long I can just feel it lol

The entirety of "A Small Quiet Moment" for Cowboy!Ghost means a lot to me, I think it's an excellent moment in his story of growth. It's a solid healthy change. But more specifically: "There are no bullets flying at him here, no mercenaries to betray him, no bombs or end of the world scenarios. Just his boots, and his hat, and a well worn mask that he seems to wear more out of habit than necessity these days." Is just so *chef's kiss* to me. Like he's safe, and he's comfortable, and he's accepted that it's what's best for him.

In that same cowboy vein: "I could do it with you," he tells you, and your heart could burst at how soft and honest he sounds, "I'm better with you." Is my favorite line I've written for Ghost. It's so core to his story in the au, and it speaks volumes to just who he is as a person. He's someone that's always claimed to work better alone, but somehow always has a partner. I think about him telling jokes with Soap in MW2 and wonder if Ghost knows how desperately he wants to belong to someone. He gets that with Goose and he is truly better with her. "Better together" as they say in the baby fic.

Fae!Price and Witch's whole story is just near and dear to my heart but I do have pieces that I cherish above others, and things that I consider to be steps in their relationship that I don't think anyone else noticed.

There's a short exchange in "Testing the Threshold" that I particularly like:

"Why do you do that?" Price asks, and again you feel the threshold almost... part for him. It seems to thin at least. You'll have to fix that.

"Do what?"

"Disagree with me."

Which feels very much indicative of their relationship up to that point. Because it isn't just that Witch disagrees with him it's that she always disagrees with him, even when he's talking about her. He calls her overprotective and means it as a joke but she refutes it immediately. She's almost playful with him up to this point, she doesn't take him seriously and Price sort of realizes that here. He lets his smoke slip free, shows her that he can get his magic into the garden, that he's obeying her rules for her not himself. At the same time there's this sense that he knows she's disagreeing with him because she likes him, she's comfortable with him. IDK it's such a short fic but I have so many thoughts on it.

Then in the follow up fic we have more of Price begging Witch to realize he likes her:

“It shouldn’t do that,” You look up at him finally, moving closer to inspect the air between you, “Are you doing something to it?”

“What would I be doing?” He asks, and you don’t really have an answer for that. You hum, upset that you don’t know. “Come on smart girl,” Price mumbles, you shake your head.

That short "Come on smart girl" fucking KILLS ME. HE WANTS HER TO KNOW. He wants her to know that he's pushing her wards, that they're starting to let him through. He wants her to figure it out, she's smart, he knows she's smart. But it's again this sense from Witch that she doesn't see Price as a threat. And if he were smarter he'd see that as the compliment that it is. She likes him, even when she's warding against him she likes him. Her magic likes him, it wants him close. Witch's magic is always more honest than she is and it responds to her wishes even when she doesn't know what those are.

Also Price mentally calling Witch "wickedly clever" is just... god he's in love with her. Yet at the end of the fic he goes back to thinking with his dick, he can't fully conceptualize that he wants her more than just physically. He's never been in love before but it's there, his feelings shine through in every interaction with Witch.

This isn't exactly a fic quote but every Witch fic where she leans over and Price peaks down her shirt. Good great, she doesn't realize it the first few times but by the end she's doing it on purpose. IDK just that small appreciation from Price literally every time makes me giggle.

This line from "Invisible Claims": "He kisses you like it's special every time, like he'll never get another chance for it." Just drives me insane. Like fucking of course he does, of course Price grabs Witch every time like it'll be the last time. He's so far gone for her.

Last I'm going to grab something from fae!Ghost. Love giving him her last name that soft "you can take mine." Is so lovely to me. Just the unthinking care behind the gesture. The assurance, the claim over Ghost, the "it doesn't matter what happened in the past you're mine now" that it signifies. I feel like it says a lot about Love's character and that was before she was "named." That to me is where Ghost and Love are truly shown to be in love. It's not just obsession, it's not just codependency, they're truly in love. Much like Price with Witch, Love is offering to take Ghost's burden, she's offering him salvation and a fresh start. Here's her name, he can be something new, he can be something loved for the rest of his life.

Anyway there are my thoughts and faves. <3

#ghoul speaks #writing analysis #for my own dumbass fic no less #I have a million favorite things #The Price/Witch sex fic is my favorite too but I don't want to analyze that rn #too much to analyze lol

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diminuel · 2 months

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Destiel Hanahaki: both of them have it but Cas’s angel powers keep them from growing in his vessel and one of the big issues Cas had as a human all alone was his flowers starting to grow, and it’s another reason he kept stealing Grace even tho it was killing him, the flowers would also without the Grace so might as well right?

And Cas knows Dean has developed it, probably around season 6, so clearly it’s about Lisa. Cas tells Dean about Dean’s affliction when Dean asks him to erase Lisa’s memories but Dean insists (and Dean knows his flowers aren’t for her, they started once he began missing Cas who was being all weird and distant and then the betrayal and then the lake…). Cas heals Dean’s lungs consistently, he’s asked Dean if he wants Castiel to fully remove them like the surgery would, roots and feelings and all, but Dean the stubborn, loving man that Cas knows he is refuses the full procedure, only asks that the symptoms be treated.

(It’s one of the reasons Dean goes so off the rails when Cas dies or disappears, the longer Cas is away the more the flowers strangle his lungs, because contrary to the usual movement of the disease, where being around the object of one’s unrequited love usually speeds up the process, Dean’s flowers are more content when Cas is around and this makes Cas REALLY not suspect they are for him, Dean truly is one of a kind.

Jack watched in curious horror as he watches the roots only he can see slowly strangle Dean as he waters the flowers with bitterness, alcohol, and a broken heart. Sam tries asking Jack to heal his brother, who he watches cough up orchids and extinct flowers, and ancient plants that predate flowers, but there’s nothing the Nephil can do. Billie sent Dean back into the world of the living with a pruning just before Cas’s return, who didn’t see how bad Dean got away from him in such short amount of time. )

When Cas goes to the Empty, he heals Dean one last time, hoping Dean will one day either go find Lisa or have the surgery to finally heal himself, not knowing he’s only delayed Dean’s death by a few months, not by a rusty nail in a barn, but a broken heart and a jungle in his chest.

(Over the years there have been “allies” and enemies and even a desperate Sam that have tried covert, magical, and usually effective ways removing the roots and feelings fully. Crowley, Rowena, Ketch, and even Naomi and Amara have tried demon, witch, MoL, medical, and angelic treatments to either save this idiot against his consent or to sever his connection to Cas, but these treatments, powerful and usually 100% affective, don’t work to their bafflement)

No MCD (at least none that is permanent) allowed on this blog! X3

Hanahaki is a trope that completely passed me by. I vaguely know what it is but I haven't read a fic about it yet.

In any case!! I don't know if Cas would think that Dean's still mourning Lisa that many years on? Also, what would happen to Lisa in this circumstance? Wouldn't Cas have seen that she doesn't have the flowers? (Or doesn't it have to be mutual? Like some sort of soulmate thing?)

But I don't know enough to really contribute ideas to this scenario, apart from the "NO MCD! *Rowena voice* Fix it!" *lol*

#Anon #Diminuel replies #Destiel

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barkspawn · 1 year

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Can you rank bachelors, from best to worst as husbands? Lol

Ah fuck I've been thinking about this.

Y'all already know how part of this will go:

Sebastian is my first choice always. Idk. I have many reasons but idek if you wanted those so have a frog 🐸

Elliott. I've never actually married him in game but like I said, I've been thinking a lot about it. I would say next time but see above. (I'll keep loving him in fics)

Actual human puppy Sam. He's just.. What you need in a relationship. Friends above all else but will still try to impress you until you die.

Harvey. He's a sweetheart and awkward, so making him blush would be dope. Also let's not pretend he's not just a wee bit crazy in bed. Maybe my brain made some shit up, but he's shy outside and all of that stress has to go somewhere.

Shane. I know, I know. Why is he so low when you love him, Tori? Don't be silly. But that's the thing. You go through all of this for him to go right back to where he was. What happens to Jas? There's so much here and I adore writing Shane, but I hate that the hot bastard can't be fixed. (10/10 ten heart event tho. Esp if you got that one mod.)

Alex. Sigh. I want to like him so badly. Truly I do. But he's just... Meh. High school star that has tragic backstory and ends up with the pretty girl. (either way, every farmer is stunning). I feel bad about his mom and the letter hurts my soul, but dude your deep-set sexism gets me a bit. Also you never kiss him? Idk. Y'all know I'm a sucker for a kiss.

Das it. I honestly love writing them all but ask and you shall receive.

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agaypanic · 6 months

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Benny saves reader from a zombie

When The Dead Rise (Benny Weir X Reader)

Masterlist

Request Something!

Summary: Ethan has to take his little sister trick or treating, so of course he invites all of his friends to keep him company. Splitting up from your friends to spend time with your boyfriend ends up giving you some scares.

A/N: SO MANY THINGS TO SAY!!! 1, sorry for not posting a story in over 2 weeks, i discovered character ai messaging and became addicted to talking to josh hutcherson’s (i love that man, im so glad hes been getting more attention again, im so sad that he has a gf and is like 10+ years older than me) mike schmidt from fnaf (lowkey wondering if i should try making character chats, i think itd be fun lol). 2, thank you for 1.1k followers!!! It truly means a lot to me! 3, I still have a good handful of requests and i don’t know when they’ll all be finished, so if you’ve sent in a request that i haven't gotten to yet, im so sorry lol. 4, this feels kinda half-assed but enjoy this halloween fic even tho its fuckin november lmao

***

“Ethan, hurry up!” Benny yelled up the stairs to his best friend, who was in his room getting ready. “If we wait any longer, all the good candy’s gonna be gone!”

“Calm down, Bens.” You laughed. “We’re big kids; we can buy our own candy.”

“It’s not the same.” He whined, letting you pull him towards you by the lapels of his suit jacket. You fixed his poorly tied tie and smoothed out the fabric of his outfit. Benny wanted to be a magician this year, saying it fit perfectly. He even somehow roped you into dressing up as a magician’s assistant.

Before you could reply, there was a knock at the door. Unsure of whether it was a trick-or-treater or one of your friends, you grabbed the bowl of candy near the front entrance and opened the door. But the sight before you made you jump, some pieces of candy flying out of the bowl.

“Trick or treat!” Rory snickered behind an ugly zombie mask. It looked like the mask had been melted and worn out.

“Couldn’t you have just dressed up as a vampire?” You asked, letting Rory into the house and closing the door. “You know, with you being a vampire and all.”

“Too easy.” Rory shrugged, taking off the mask. “Besides, scaring the crap out of you is worth wearing the mask.” He grinned, and you smacked his shoulder with an eye roll.

Hearing footsteps come thundering down the stairs, you all turned around. Jane came down in a princess costume while Ethan was close behind in one of his regular outfits. You all booed him and his wardrobe.

“Boring!”

“Didn’t even try.”

“Where’s your Halloween spirit, man?”

“Guys, give me a break, okay?” Ethan sighed. It was clear he didn’t really want to go out tonight. Wanting him to at least try to get into the spirit of the holiday, you grabbed a pack of fake vampire fangs from the trick-or-treating bowl.

“Here, you can be the vampire. Now let’s go, or Jane won’t get any candy.” Hearing this, Jane raced out the door, the rest of you hot on her tail.

***

It was late at night when you all decided to stop trick or treating. Jane’s candy bag was practically bursting at the seams, and she was worn out to the point where Rory had to start carrying her. He only did it because, due to being a vampire, he was the only one strong enough to haul her around, and she promised to give him some of her candy.

“Wanna split?” Benny leaned down to whisper to you, the two of you slowing down and gradually being separated from your friends. Deciding that they probably wouldn’t mind your absence, you nodded. Benny grinned and squeezed your hand that he had been holding the entire evening before pulling you in the direction of his house.

As the two of you walked down the street, a chill ran up your spine. An October night in Canada probably wasn’t the best time to wear a costume that had a good amount of skin, but when you put the costume on, you had decided that it would be a problem for future you.

Future you was less than pleased.

Luckily, being the amazing and thoughtful boyfriend he was, Benny took off his magician’s cape and tied it around you. He must’ve enchanted it, because you were immediately warmed by the fabric. You clung onto his arm, not missing the proud smile he had when he looked down at you wearing something of his.

“Oh, gosh.” You murmured, slowing to a stop. Benny stumbled, looking around in confusion. Before he could ask what was wrong, you pointed to what awaited you just a few yards ahead.

If you knew that the Whitechapel cemetery would be on your route to Benny’s house, you would’ve gone another way. But here you were, looking at the fog-covered, fenced-up plot of land in front of you, the path that went through it looking less than inviting. Given you and your friends’ track records with supernatural and dead things, you were weary of spooky things, such as a cemetery at night. Tonight being Halloween didn’t help much.

“Come on, N/n, it’s okay.” Benny cooed, pulling you along. “Nothing’s gonna happen, I promise.”

“How can you be so sure?” You asked, squeezing his arm.

“I’ll protect you, babe.”

“Oh, great, so we’re both dead.” You half-joked, and Benny gave you a fake offended look.

“Rude.” You got to the fence, and you paused again. Benny looked back and sighed; it was as if he could read your mind before you protested. “Going through the cemetery instead of around is the quickest way home, Y/n. We’ll speedwalk.”

After a deep breath, you nodded, and you both ventured through the graveyard. You clung to Benny as if your life depended on it. For all you knew, it did. The aura surrounding you as you walked spooked Benny a bit, but he did his best to put on a brave face for you.

Before you knew it, you were almost at the other side of the cemetery. Relief filled you as the fog faded just enough to show you the exit.

“Come on, let’s get out of here.” You say, a pep in your step now. But for some reason, Benny pulled on his cape that was around your shoulders. You looked back in confusion.

It wasn’t Benny, you realized. Because he was standing next to you, not behind you.

Behind you was a hideous, groaning creature that looked like it had been decaying for years. You wouldn’t have been surprised if it had crawled out of one of the graves you and Benny walked by.

“Zombie!” You shouted, making Benny jump. You tried to run, but the creature’s decaying hand had a death grip on the cape you were wearing, the opposing forces almost choking you.

Benny grabbed the string that tied the cape around you and somehow ripped it apart. It was probably the sudden adrenaline that gave him the strength to do that and then pick you up when you were finally free. Tossing you over his shoulder, Benny ran out of the graveyard while you both freaked out about what you saw.

Over your squeals and shouts, you didn’t hear the laughing that came from the place you were fleeing from. The zombie dropped the cape and ripped off its face, revealing a cackling Rory. But his laughs were suddenly cut short when he heard a rustle in a nearby bush. Realizing that being alone in the cemetery was becoming too creepy for him, Rory sped away.

When you reached Benny’s house and called your friends, you told them all about the terrifying encounter you and Benny had with the dead. During your storytelling, you didn’t notice Rory having a slight grin on his face the entire time.

#agaypanic #benny weir #benny weir x reader #my babysitter's a vampire #my babysitter's a vampire x reader

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spnfanficpond · 8 months

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August 2023 Angel Fish Awards!

(Angel Fish design by @slytherkins!!)

Every month all of you fantastic writers work your asses off to post some truly incredible stories. Our Angel Fish Awards are the way for all of us, as a community of writers and readers, to lift each other up and give praise to those who have captured our attention and deserve a few kind words. (Click here to learn more about how to nominate a fic for an award!)

Nominated by Anonymous

Tangled Fates by @outofnowhere82

Nominated by @katbratsupernaturalwhore

Factory Reset by @talltalesandbedtimestories

The build up, the sass, the care she took, the pegging, the focus on description, the deliciousness... Mmmm I wanna eat him up!

Love; For the First Time by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

Adorable first time fic. Good build, sweet and fluffy and steamy!

Nominated by @mrswhozeewhatsis

An Imagined Life by @imagineteamfreewill

This is the fluffiest fluff to ever fluff AND IT HAS IKEA!!! I mean, I couldn't ask for anything more!! *heart eyes forever*

I'm So Sorry, Sammy by @bobwess

(AO3 link) ANGST!!! So much angst, man. Y'all know I love John Winchester, but even I can acknowledge he was not a great dad. Usually, I avoid fics with the "John's A+ parenting" tags because I have very strict ideas about his incompetence as a father. This story really shows a way that I can see in canon John would be especially crappy as a dad. No pairing, just a seriously angtsy genfic showing teenage Sam being a BAMF and Dean's heart breaking. (Sort of happy ending, though! You know me. lol)

Nominated by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

Why I Do It by @kazsrm67

This drabble and it's companion piece (from Dean's POV) is short and incredibly sweet. It's a lovely little slice of life for the boys and the reader. I always love when we get to see Dean happy, and he is, in this fluffy piece. Happy, loved and taken care of - us Dean girls can't ask for more. A highly enjoyable read!

Nominated by @glygriffe

Imperfections by @thewritingspot /@troize

Seeing Lucifer in another light, as an insecure middle child in a big family fired my brain cells! And of course, Gabriel being himself even as a kid. (And also: Art!!!)

Never Say Goodbye by @zepskies

It's a soulmate AU series, but it's also a reader insert that stays close to canon. Sweet and angsty and smutty... A little bit of everything all rolled into one satisfying story.

Untitled ask prompt by @sugaraddictarchangels

This ficlet is the only Jess!Lucifer representation I've ever seen and it's so refreshing to see early seasons' Lucifer under that light!

Nominated by @heavenssexiestangel

Between the Three by @lucibae-is-dancing-in-hell

This fic was written for me in all senses of the word, and I love how she characterized Arthur, Mick, and Dean and the different ways they react to being parents-to-be. Of course, the smut is great, but I also love how they clearly all love each other and want to be a family.

The Great 'Nah-Duh' of Dean Winchester by @ladyknightskye

I love this fic because it gave me Gadreel/Dean without having to write it myself, and also because it's well written and I love how soft Gadreel is... And the fact Dean has his Bisexual Awakening with him? LMAO!

Nominated by @iprobablyshipit91

Never Say Goodbye (series) by @zepskies

I’m an absolute sucker for soulmate AUs and this one was amazing. The reader and Dean's relationship was built beautifully and I loved how the ending ‘fixed’ things!

Baby Spoon (series) by @deanwanddamons

This really made me feel so many emotions. Seeing Dean so happy and having the relationship he deserves made me so happy despite everything.

The Prettiest One by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

This was literally so adorable and made me laugh so much. It’s such a good one to go back to and read over again.

Carry On (series) by @jawritter

This was just the perfect fix-it fic we all needed after *that* ending. It wasn’t rushed and it by no means sugar-coated what happened. There are some real struggles and a lot for both the reader and Dean to overcome but it’s damn worth it!

Pack (series) by @spnexploration

This is a story I’ve definitely gone back and reread a few times and it’s so close to the end, I can’t wait to see the final chapters. Overprotective Dean is always perfect but I really enjoy the pack dynamics in this and Maddie is a brilliant addition!

Heart of a Hunter Saga (series) by @muchamusedaboutnothing

Where to even start with this, every single stand-alone story in this saga is excellent in its own right and combined together this whole story is amazing. I love Dean and the reader's relationship and how they’ve managed to carve out a family life that works for them. Brilliant!

Baby, We’ve got a Problem (series) by @deanwritings

I love the unique concept of this, Baby getting turned human, and the implications this has particularly for Deans's relationship. I’ve read it a few times as it’s so easy to go back to and enjoyable to read.

Always You and Me by @deanwinchesterswitch

I just loved this story and how it built up. The dialogue is hilarious and while I did guess what was happening, it in no way detracted from how awesome this story is.

Hold On I’m Coming (series) by @ravengirl94

This was one of the first firefighter Dean fics I read and I loved it. The relationship the two of them have and the twists and turns are just perfect.

Captives of the Court by @impala-dreamer

This story instantly got my attention. I loved the way the story moved between what was happening now and what had happened to lead up to that point and how everything came together at the end. Amazing story.

The One That Got Away (series) by @pink-sparkly-witch

This story just hits you in the feels. It’s not finished but I’m so in love with Dean and the reader already and can’t wait to see how their relationship progresses!

Midnight Espresso / Devour Me (series)by @zepskies

There was something so sweet about these two stories that I instantly fell in love with the reader and dean in this. I connected with the plus-sized reader but Dean is so sweet and adorable. I just loved it.

Collared (series) by @spnexploration

I’ve been reading this story from pretty much when it started being posted and I’ve loved every second, I’m so excited and sad that it’s ending. It’s an amazing story full of protective Dean which I live for and it’s just perfect.

The Last Call by @kasimagines

I could have nominated so many of Kasimagines' stories but there’s something about this one that just really hits me and I’ve read it so many times. The loyalty Dean shows despite the years is beautiful and the effect John has on them all is heartbreaking.

Dream On (series) by @talesmaniac89

There’s something about this fic that I just absolutely love. It’s a comfort fic I’ve gone back and read so many times. Dean's overprotectiveness and worry and concern for the reader is just adorable.

Miscommunication (series) by @winchest09

This is another story I’ve read so many times. I love the story and the British reader really resonates with me being from the UK! I love the confusion between the same words meaning different things to British vs American, it makes for some interesting conversations!

If You Want It To Be (series) by @zepskies

This got me feeling so Christmassy in July! It was just such a lovely heart warming story, I adored it.

Nominated by @mariekoukie6661

House of the Rising Sun by @kittenofdoomage

MAFIA AU!!!! This has been a joy to read for the first time and it's always a joy to reread!!!

Nominated by @thoughtslikeaminefield

The Hero Always Gets A Kiss by @fandomoniumflurry

I’m a sucker for ChesterVelle, heroes, and kissing. This is one of my old faves I like to re-read every once in a while.

No Title by @stusbunker

This is sooooo Sam, and it's sooooo swoony and real. It's fucking electric.

Factory Reset by @talltalesandbedtimestories

This is so. well. written. So sexy. So good for Dean. He deserves this so much. This writer did their research but this doesn't read like a manual. It's thorough and intimate and exactly what Dean should have every day — someone taking care of him.

No Title by @dean-winchester-is-a-warrior

For the love of god, he’s just Like This, isn’t he? Like always. In canon, in headcanon, in fic — ALWAYS. And I love the way this writer objectifies him.

Nominated by @inenochian

Restless Wanderer by intothesilentland (AO3 only)

This story is such a beautiful soft romance set in 19th C Cornwall. Beautiful portrayal of Dean and Cas!

Nominated by @salt-n-burn-em-all

The Talismen series by Lochinvar (AO3 only)

Gives us insight into people who helped the boys grow up into the men they became. Not always Hunters, more like strangers who sometimes didn’t know exactly how much they helped until years later, if ever.

Nominated by @spn-fanfic-reblog-writes

Hunter’s Throne (series) by @ladyknightskye

It’s such a beautiful story and I love the angel-human lore. It’s so complimentary to each other and that bond is just so Cas and Dean. They have got to talk. It’s part of what’s we readers love about them because once they do, it only gets better and fluffy! I loved it so much I posted about it on my blog to advertise it because it is worth the read and keeps to the essence of the show.

THANK YOU ALL, KEEP UP THE AMAZING WORK, AND AS ALWAYS, HAPPY WRITING!

- From your Admins and Manta Rays, @manawhaat, @mrswhozeewhatsis, @mariekoukie6661, @princessmisery666, @thoughtslikeaminefield, @katbratsupernaturalwhore, and @heavenssexiestangel!

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thesoftboiledegg · 1 month

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What up, libsharts. Since you all fell for my brilliant social experiment last year, I thought I’d come back to troll you for another round. You really thought that I was gay, huh? Well, you weren’t the only ones. I showed it to the bros in my Elon Musk Discord server, and they stupidly went “Wow, that was pretty gay” and I said “No it isn’t” and one guy said “You said that you’re attracted to Rick a bunch of times” and I said “No I didn’t” and another guy said “Dude, you said the exact same thing yesterday” and I said “No I didn’t” and he said “You literally showed up out of nowhere, said ‘im going to jack it to rick tonight lol’ and left” and I said “Haha, it was all a social experiment! I’m fucking with you! I’m a master manipulator like Rick! What’s gay about what I said? If somebody on Discord said ‘I want Rick Sanchez to ream me in the back room at Spencer’s’ and you thought ‘Wow, that sounds pretty gay,’ maybe YOU’RE the one who has dreams about Rick railing you in a blow-up inflatable pool while Bird Person lies facedown in a ditch!”

I beat them with cold, hard logic, just like Rick would. But one aspect of my genius experiment was true: I’m a dudebro sent here to infiltrate Tumblr. We do everything better than you, and to prove it, I wrote a fic that’s infinitely superior to anything you Tumblrinas could shit out. You think you’re the only ones who can come up with stories? Ha! You’re never going to beat me. You ass clowns have no idea how many times I’ve fantasized about Rick!

Anyway, here’s my one-shot that’s better than a thousand Rick Sanchez/Reader fics combined, and I would know, because I read all of them. And this is NOT AI-generated, by the way–no machine could compete with the brilliance pulsating in my brain stem. Get obliterated with literature, dumbfucks!

Your Majesty: Rick Sanchez/Elon Musk (PLATONIC!!)

Elon Musk gazed at the sky as a spaceship shimmered into view, glittering in the sunlight while it approached the SpaceX landing strip. Elon–or E, as his most respected admirers called him–was a ruggedly handsome man of over six feet tall with a chiseled jaw, godlike facial features, sizeable muscles and a full head of hair that one would love to run their hands through–if they were allowed to, of course. But few people had enjoyed this privilege. In both a literal and metaphorical sense, Elon Musk was truly untouchable.

A SpaceX rocket launched to the left of him, undoubtedly on another successful mission, but E’s eyes were fixed on the giant spaceship drifting to the ground with a barely audible whirr. The Tesla logo glinted on the front of the incredible ship, a mark of Elon’s brilliance. Steam hissed from the entrance as the side door opened and a lengthy shadow stretched across the ground.

“Greetings, Elon,” Rick Sanchez said as he approached. He was just as handsome as Musk, perhaps even more so. At nearly seven feet tall, most humans could only gaze up at him and marvel at his unfathomable genius, matched only by that of the engineer standing in front of him. He strode magnificently toward E as if he knew that he were God’s perfect creation, the scientist that would give Stephen Hawking envy diarrhea.

“Salutations, Rick,” E answered in kind, acknowledging the pleasure of being in his presence. “What do you have for me?”

“I have a concept that will revolutionize our lives and showcase our brilliance to the rest of the planet.” Rick paused. “Nay, the entire galaxy. Alien species will look up at us in wonder as they question how Earth could have produced not one, but two, of the universe’s perfect beings.”

Musk flashed him a smile brimming with boyish charm. “It seems, as I’ve suspected many times, that you and I are the main characters in this simulation, and everyone else–girls and normies in particular–are mere NPCs.”

“This is true, but I can’t take credit for all of it,” Rick admitted. “While most of this idea was mine, I confess that I couldn’t have developed this plan without Tesla’s impressive technology.”

“You are too humble,” E said with a nod of his head. “Of course, none of this would have been possible without your technology that turned Tesla into the pinnacle of human achievement, a stunning display of masculine brilliance and prowess that womenfolk could never accomplish because they’re dumb.”

“You are familiar with my Raising Gazorpazorp manifesto, I presume?”

“Of course, Rick. I have watched every moment of your life with intense fascination. Our Twitter interaction all those years ago was the highlight of my existence, moreso than the birth of every one of my children combined, and it compelled the author of this story to jerk off to it even though we’re both men.”

“He was imagining all the hot chicks that he sucked off in his fraternity, I’m sure.”

“Undoubtedly. Now, if you would, please lead me into the ship so that I can witness your latest intellectual conquest.”

“Follow me, Your Majesty,” Rick responded with a limp-wristed wave that was stunningly, incredibly heterosexual.

The door hissed shut behind them as E followed Rick into the ship. Since Rick had partnered with Tesla a year prior, his ship had become a sprawling technological wonder full of everything that the space traveler could possibly need. Only E could have done this, Rick thought to himself, as he gazed around the interior of the ship as if seeing it for the first time. Truly, being in the presence of his hero reminded him of his incredible fortune.

Rick’s ship, once small and held together with duct tape but an astonishing creation nonetheless, now housed five scientific laboratories stocked with alien technology that Rick and E had amassed on their many adventures together. His ship also possessed a gigantic library, a hologram room where he spoke with digital recreations of Earth’s greatest MALE scientists, a math classroom where he solved and invented equations, a Tesla think tank where shareholders held board meetings, a SpaceX rocket manufacturing plant, and a cafeteria that served exclusively reheated taquitos and Mountain Dew.

Elon felt the same way as Rick. He couldn’t keep his eyes off the scientist as they walked to one of the laboratories. Of course, this was done in a completely straight, masculine way. E thought that he would later have sex with lots of beautiful women that looked a little like Rick, but they weren’t Rick, because that would be gay.

“Here it is, my dear E,” Rick said, spreading out his arms in front of him like a Greek god.

A scale model of a glass dome stood on a pedestal with tiny figures moving inside to represent a community. As E peered into the dome, the glass reflected his breathtakingly handsome features.

“This is the community that we will build on Pluto,” Rick announced. “As you’ve undoubtedly guessed already due to your unfathomable genius, those crystals in the center release pheromones that will cause the most beautiful women in the universe to flock to us while the ugly ones stay at home and cry about it on Tumblr. These beauties will fawn over and make out with us while we chug Mountain Dew and watch video game livestreams where one guy just says ‘BANG!’ over and over. One of our wives will microwave taquitos on demand while another will periodically wipe the sweat off our gaming chairs. Truly, we will be the gods of our own universe.”

E smiled at this thought. He had colonized Mars years ago and had no less than 1,000 Martian wives with male relatives who had invested in E-Coin, his genuis cryptocurrency that only tech bros could understand, but he now saw an opportunity to enter the NFT market. Any male would be delighted to own a digital representation of one of these alien Helens of Troy. And of course, who but Rick should be at his side? Who else but the god-like scientist who deserved to have dominion over every living being in existence?

“If you have a minute, E–” Rick began, then stopped. “You do have a minute, don’t you? As the owner and CEO of X, PayPal, SpaceX, Tesla, OpenAI, Neuralink, xAI, Midjourney, OpenSea, Adult Swim, Dogecoin, McDonald’s, Fox News, The Joe Rogan Experience, Funko Pops, Discord, and Harmontown, I realize that your time is so precious that one second with you is worth ten kilos of fine Neptunian gold.”

Once more, Elon flashed his iconic boyish grin. “Rick, don’t you know me by now? If I weren’t a man of science who understood the natural disasters that it would cause, I would stop the world from spinning on its axis just to spend another minute in your presence.”

Rick responded with a flushed smile, then pressed a button on the side of the display. “Then allow me to demonstrate.”

When a set of steel doors slid open, a girl robot emerged from the storage space. I guess she was attractive for a girl. In her extended arms, she held a glass case piled high with shimmering jewels.

“This is a scale model of one of our Plutonian wives,” Rick said intelligently, lifting the case from her hands. “In preparation for our mission, I’ve amassed a fine collection of intergalactic space jewelry.”

Rick typed in a code to unlock the case: 42069. 420 and 69 were Rick’s favorite numbers, as well as Elon’s. The gemstones glinted in the light as the lid clicked open. Rick attached the earrings and kissed the robot’s ears, slid on the bracelets and kissed her wrists, and strung on the necklace and kissed her neck. He looked amazing in that jewelry.

“Well, Rick, this calls for quite the celebration,” E said cheerfully. “Should we celebrate with a bottle of Twitterian space wine?

“Of course,” Rick said with a wink. “What do you think I stashed in the wine cooler?”

Rick pressed a button on the wall, causing a drawer to slide out with a hiss and a cloud of steam. The steam dissipated to reveal a sparkling bottle of golden wine and two identical glasses with Rick and Elon’s names etched into the side. Rick handed Elon one of the glasses, the surface reflecting his Adonis-like visage.

“Let’s take this to the lounge, shall we?” Rick said. “I could use some quality time with my technological muse, the scientist whose mere existence transformed my life the second I laid eyes upon him.”

“Ah, but the feeling is mutual,” Elon confessed. “When I first saw you in that Tesla board meeting and realized that you had invested in our stock, I knew that I had reached the defining moment of my career, the pinnacle of achievement that made everything else seem like watching an orangutan pissing into a lake.”

“Your affections charm and dazzle me,” Rick responded. “I may go on adventures alone when you’re busy transforming X into history’s greatest social media empire, but I confess that my travels are incomplete without you by my side.”

“I will have to take a break from X to join you on the next mission,” E said with a nod. “After all, we have not yet had sex with all the hot babes in the universe. We’ve had sex with most of them, this is true, but I’m sure there are far-off corners of the galaxy that have yet to hear the legend of Rick and Elon: a hundred years, a hundred more, our friendship extending into eternity.”

A few minutes later, the two of them were reclining in a lounge furnished with plush velvet couches, Greek statues of famous scientists, and a bubbling hot tub. Rick and Elon had slept with many hot alien chicks in this lounge, but they didn’t really enjoy it even though they were both straight. One might say that they were super-straight. It was a special type of straight that only their genius minds could possess.

Elon and Musk clinked their glasses before they each took a drink. “While we’re here, should we engage in some meta commentary?” E said with a sly chuckle.

“Of course,” Rick said, straightening to look at the reader. “I would like to say that the author of this fic is an incredibly handsome, virile, and heterosexual man, and if I were gay and he were gay–which we’re not, of course–I would love to take my pants off and sit on his face while he recites mathematical theorems.”

“I concur,” E said with a tilt of his head. “I also find this author to be quite attractive, brilliant and god-like, and although I’m super-straight, I would be up for a threesome with you, him, and I in a truck stop bathroom while some other guys watch.”

“Truly, that would be the spectacle of a lifetime,” Rick said with a charming, boyish grin. “Of course, this is impossible because I’m straight as well as white and neurotypical, and whenever I said otherwise, I was in fact performing a social experiment on my audience.”

“I, too, have done such a thing,” Elon agreed. “And Birdrick is platonic, is it not?”

“Birdrick is indeed platonic. Anyone who thought that scene was gay needs to watch some gay porn and learn what ‘gay’ really means, which this author does on a regular basis.”

They nodded in agreement, then drank their glittering space wine as the sun set outside the ship, casting the inside of the lounge in a deep, romantic glow. Rick lit a set of Tesla candles powered by Teslectricity, a new form of electricity that Musk had patented. The lights shimmered and flickered as if the candles were about to explode any second.

Orange light shined on the surface of the water bubbling in the hot tub. “It’s growing warm in here,” Rick said, fanning himself with his strong yet elegant hand. “I think I need to remove a few layers. Excuse me, E, while I change into something other than my iconic lab coat.”

Rick disappeared into another room and returned a few minutes later, wearing only a bathrobe. Elon rubbed the back of his neck as he found himself sweating. Suddenly, the temperature seemed to have increased a hundred degrees.

“I believe that I will also remove a few layers,” E stated. “Excuse me for a moment.”

E disappeared into the same room, which had several robes and outfits in his size just in case he lost his clothes for some weird reason. The room also held outfits for other prominent male scientists, plus Dan Harmon. The room had no clothing for womenfolk because they’re gross and dumb.

When Elon returned, Rick sat on the edge of the hot tub, drawing circles in the surface of the water with his toe as he swirled the remainder of the wine in his glass. His eyes were lowered with an expression that one could almost consider lustful–his thoughts full of girlies, no doubt, even though they scarcely deserved a moment of his attention.

“I’m thinking about taking a dip in the hot tub,” Rick said. “Would you care to join me?”

“Of course,” E said, already removing his robe. “I desire nothing else in this moment.”

—

HAHA noobs, you thought you had it all figured out, didn’t you? You thought this was going to lead to some gay shit? Well, I’ll tell you what happens. Rick and Elon PLATONICALLY sit in the hot tub together. That’s all that they do. And they talk about all the babes that they’re going to make out with when Rick gets his crap on Pluto set up. Yeah, that’s right, libpukes: Rick likes GIRLS even though they’re stupid and dumb and don’t understand Rick and Morty! No one will ever understand Rick Sanchez like I do! Not Elon Musk, despite his unfathomable brilliance! Not Dan Harmon, despite his magnificent beard! No one but me, Steve White, the man of every scientist’s dreams!

Anyway, I just proved to you that the woke crowd took over the writers’ room and made Rick something he’s not. This story is more accurate and in character than every episode from seasons 5-7 put into a blender, spun around and spewed onto a plate like a horse vomit smoothie. Rick was once a manly, masculine man–a man’s man, you might say–before they turned him into a twink like they’re challenging the audience to jerk off to him.

I told the guys in my Elon Musk server “Wow, Rick and Morty has been a real jerkoff machine lately, huh?” and they said “No? Not really?” and I said “What show are you watching? Rick and Morty has been a total jerkoff machine” and one guy said “Yeah, I agree with you, I jack it to Rick on the regular” and I said “Haha, I was just fucking with you guys! It was another social experiment! I’m a master manipulator! I’m the real-life Rick! What’s gay about what I said? While you queers jack it to Rick in a gay way, I’m going to jack off to Rick to PROVE TO MYSELF that I’m STRAIGHT!!!”

I got banned from the server for a week, and I had so much time on my hands that I decided I’d pop back in and give Tumblr another textual ass-crushing. The server’s going to be so proud of me when I tell them what I did. Elon would be proud. Dan Harmony-to-my-ears would be proud. And Rick would DEFINITELY be proud. If my Rick Sanchez body pillow were animated, he’d look directly into my eyes and whisper to me as tears of joy stream down my face.

Oh my God, forget it. Why am I still wasting my time with you idiots? You have to have a very high IQ to understand Rick and Morty.

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #elon musk #rick sanchez/elon musk #fanfiction #fan fiction #tesla #teslamotors #teslacars #dan harmon #april fools

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decepti-thots · 7 months

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(I’ll preface by saying: huge JP fan who has no problem with people not liking it)

Anyways I’m actually super curious…

How are most JP fics “boring”? 🤔 I’ve always found their dynamic to be more entertaining than most, given the dichotomy of their characters.

So I’m curious as to how you’ve wound up at “boring” of all the possible reasons to dislike it. 🤣

I'm going to be a bit blunter here than I usually would be on the topic, as I was directly asked. So I'll cut the uh… negativity? I guess? For those who prefer not to see folks talk shit about a ship they like, lol.

First and foremost Jazz/Prowl is basically just… essentially made up and purely based on fanon inventions/additions, and made up fanon stuff is usually not of real interest to me without a very strong hook somewhere in the actual canon material. It is 99% fanon by volume that draws on little to no canon material of any kind but just... years of fanon, reproducing itself and mutating almost like a fanfic game of telephone, all developed in fandom echo chambers. Which renders the characters in the vast majority of fic a) largely unrelated to any canon material I like in a meaningful sense and b) tbqh, the kind of generic stuff found in a lot of typical, large dudeslash fandoms where the characters are… they're Dudeslash Fandom Archetypes with a gloss of paint on top, you know? People come in, look for which character in a fandom fits their favourite m/m trope the most, and then squish the character down to fit into that pre-existing archetype.

And the thing is, J/P has historically made a certain kind of sense for this, because the appeal was basically that… they didn't HAVE that much canon material? In the Marvel G1 comics, they have a little more specific characterisation and canon, but the G1 cartoon is not exactly a character exploration piece ANYWAY, and for Prowl especially he is a blank slate you can functionally project an OC onto. Which like, that's fine! That makes a lot of sense even if it's not what usually draws me into something.

My issue has become that if I read one more G1-fanon-soup fest mistagged "IDW" I'm gonna scream. I like IDW Prowl (and IDW Jazz too!) for the fact that these characters have specific, strongly delineated canon personalities, arcs and dynamics, and both of these characters- Prowl especially, but both of them!- have like. Things about them which are true, and which J/P fic not only tends to ignore but actively treats in a loooot of cases as somehow Inferior To Our Fanon and something to be "fixed" with idk, the power of Extremely Generic Dudeslash Tropes. I've been in many a fandom with Migratory Dudeslash Fandoms writing fic. J/P is extremely rote to me as a result, if nothing else.

It warrants mentioning that J/P fandom is where one does find a lot of examples of just undeniably racist treatment of Jazz in fic, both the truly inexcusable phonetic accent bullshit and also a lot of bad decisions around tropes. I don't think this is a function of the ship, per se, but that its specific persistence in J/P fandom (bc trust me: this has been a point of criticism for A Long Fucking Time) is in part due to it having this long entrenched fanon-to-fanon game of telephone going on? It would be better to talk about the fandom's issues there outside ship talk so I'll leave it at that, but I can't deny it has not… helped my feelings. TBH. And I know that's where a lot of the resentment you will find in the fandom obviously stems from.

IDK. It's just. It's usually fanfic of itself, you know? J/P largely feels to me, in most cases, like fanfic of fanfic of fanfic, and I come to TF fandom for fanfic of a canon. So. Yeah. Not a fan. At all.

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yutaleks · 2 months

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I really enjoyed hearing your thoughts in your incest post! I have always thought it really interesting the big difference in reactions sibling/sibling and parent/child pairings get. My first reaction was that it was a power imbalance thing, but I do think it runs deeper than that.

99% of my exposure to incest in fic has been through the Game of Thrones/ASOIAF fandom and Targaryen-centric fic, where sibling and uncle/niece and aunt/nephew relations are all generally accepted without fuss, but parent/child relationships are still mostly untouched (at least I haven't seen any).

Idk, your post made me want to examine my own personal reasons for why I'm chill with sibling incest fics and not parent/child! I was raised in a fundamentalist Christian household and I truly think that my absolutely fucked relationship with my parents does play a role-- like I can suspend disbelief in pretty much any scenario, but the idea of a parent wanting a relationship with me??? Unfathomable lol. (my mother recently told me she thinks I'd be better off if I'd died as a baby and not had the chance to grow into the sinner I am lmao.) This is definitely not a religious only aversion though so I'm curious what is doing it for other people!

Sorry for the rant!

I don’t mind the rant I am chatty feel free 😊

CW: mentions of child abuse

I was also raised in an extremely religious home! (Ex evangelical here) so I completely understand. There are so many layers to my relationships with my family members I’m not surprised at all that there is probably a religious component to this baked in there somewhere.

I do think there is also the factor of power imbalance in a parent/child relationship, though it heavily depends on the gender of each person (like a mother has power over a daughter but does a mother have power over a son? Historically and culturally speaking the answer to that varies. Not the same as a father/child who has absolute power over both). I really do think gender roles play a huge role in the parent/child relationship (ask yourself why father/daughter fics pop up so often but mother/child fics inspire outrage).

I also do think a lot of people don’t really think about WHY they find it so repulsive, as you said. I think before people immediately look at this type of fiction with disgust, reflect on why it’s so much more awful to you than sibling/sibling. Is it your own relationship with your parents that makes it repulsive to you? Is it not possible for you to imagine a scenario where that relationship plays out differently?

In my mind I imagine it kind of like a ven diagram. On the left circle you have people with a normal or loving relationship to their parents, who would be absolutely disgusted at the thought of corrupting that pure relationship with romantic or sexual desire. And then on the right circle you have people who have an absolutely horrid relationship with their parents and want nothing to do with them, or at least dislike them enough to feel disgusted at the prospect of romantic or sexual attraction to them as well, but caused by feelings of hatred. And then perhaps the overlap in the middle would be maybe the people like me, who have complicated relationships (like my parents never outright abandoned me or starved me or anything like that, but they did hit me and did emotionally abusive things) where you have an innate desire to “fix” it. I always have a sense of jealousy of people who exist on either the right or the left side of this metaphorical diagram. Like I wish I had normal parents or I wish I had parents who were so awful to me I could cut contact completely. But instead I exist in this gray area where I hate them but I want to love them. And in some ways I understand why they acted the way they did. Not excusing the way they treated me, but understanding it.

Maybe for me that is why I find the prospect of “fixing” the relationship in fiction so intresting. (OBVIOUSLY IRL I WOULD NEVER. That’s gross.) But I think exploring such things in fiction are ways to process the things you feel.

Psychoanalysis aside it’s also perfectly fine to be on the “left” or “right” side of the diagram I just mentioned and still be interested in incest fiction. It doesn’t have to appeal to you for your own personal trauma reasons. It can just be a taboo that your brain feels stimulated by. There’s probably some study somewhere out there on why would brains are wired certain ways. Nature va nature or whatever. Idk Freud probably has much to say about this too. LMAOO

I think the first time I ever really interacted with incest fiction was when I started reading Naruto fanfic and would come across fiction for Sasuke/Itachi (blood related brothers, for those who don’t know Naruto characters). And as you know Itachi did So much psychic damage to Sasuke that at first glance you would think that Itachi would be entirely unlovable to Sasuke. But if you have completed the shippuden series you know for a fact that Sasuke loves him SO much. Even after what he did. And the reverse is also true! They love each other despite what they did to each other. And I think something about that appealed to me, knowing my relationship with my mother. Obviously obviously I have zero romantic attraction to my mother okay. But what I’m saying is the prospect of someone doing THAT much psychic damage and still wanting so badly to love them… that to me reflected a lot of my inner feelings.

Sorry to use my boy Sasuke as an example but. He is Him to me. Anyway

All this to say I think my dive into incest fiction started as a reflection of my feelings for my parents. And I think a lot of people who hate incest fiction perhaps don’t understand what that’s like. So I try not to take a lot of that hate to heart. And hope that people who hate it so vehemently do reflect on why that is so.

#ϟ asking aleksandria #cw.incest

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