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il0veaphr0dite · 1 month

Text

WORRIED

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A/N: first story!! feel free to give me feedback and enjoy!!

Warnings: nothing really just a little fluff ig

Word count: 843

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He's late.

Minho’s never late

You were starting to get worried.

You begin to pace back and forth, running all the possible scenarios through your mind

Did a griever sting him during the time?

Is he hurt?

Is Alby dead?

Yesterday, Ben was stung by a griever in the daytime. That night, Minho told you that tomorrow, he and Alby would go back to the maze and retrace Ben's steps.

That same night he told you, you lay awake on your hammock with a sinking feeling in your stomach causing you to get minimum sleep that night.

You planned to wake up early that next morning to say goodbye to him. Unfortunately, you were too late.

That whole day you couldn't shake the feeling that something bad was going to happen.

You were in the Medhut cleaning up when you heard voices outside. You left the hut and jogged to the commotion.

Many gladers were surrounding the maze with torches in their hands. You slow down walking toward Newt to ask what happened.

“They should be back by now,” Newt said, gesturing toward the maze. Your heart dropped, and that sinking feeling in your gut got worse.

“What happens if they don't make it?” Thomas questions standing between you and Newt.

“They're gonna make it,” Newt argues.

Thomas continued arguing about how they should send someone in there but you were too worried to care besides, you knew that was against the rules.

You were deep in thought when you were interrupted by the maze doors closing. The gladers, including you, started to panic.

“There!” Thomas shouted pointing toward something at the end of the corridor.

It was Minho and Alby but something was wrong.

Alby seemed to be unconscious.

“Hurry!” She heard gladers cheering him on and soon she found herself joining in.

“Come on Minho”

“Just a little more!”

“You can make it!”

“Minho, you gotta leave him!” But you knew Minho too well, he would never.

The doors were about to close when suddenly, Thomas ran through them.

“Thomas, No!” you hear Chuck shout trying to grab his hand but failing.

And just like that Minho, Alby, and Thomas were stuck in the maze

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Everyone was getting ready to set up camp outside for the night.

You sat on the grass near the wall when Newt walked toward you with a sleeping bag in one hand and a plate with a sandwich in the other.

You accepted both, thanking him.

“Eat up and get some rest,” he advised you as he walked away to his sleeping bag.

You tossed and turned all night wishing you could have run into the maze instead of Thomas.

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“Y/N, the doors are about to open,” Newt spoke out, shaking you awake.

You got up and hurried with Newt to the maze doors and pushed through the crowd as the doors began to open.

The corridor was empty. You couldn't believe it.

“Minho!” You yell out waiting for a response.

Silence echoed through the maze.

Newt placed a hand on your shoulder “They're not coming back Y/N,”

You turn around to look at him, shaking your head. “There has to be something we can do!” You argue.

“No way!” Chuck lets out.

You turn around to see Thomas and Minho helping Alby to the Glade.

“Yeah!”

Gladers begin to cheer them on. You were filled with so much happiness you also began cheering them on.

“I got him,” Jeff says, laying Alby on the ground.

“Did you see a griever?” Chuck questions.

“Yeah, I saw one”

“He didn't just see it, he killed it,” Minho explains.

They immediately decide to call a meeting.

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After the meeting and the new Greenie, You went up to the tree house tired and overwhelmed with all the events that happened.

You were too deep in thought when suddenly another pair of feet were next to you.

“Hi”

“Hi,” You let out barely above a whisper.

“How are you doing?” he asks, you let out a small laugh “ I should be the one asking you that.”

He chuckles, Then it goes silent again.

You turn to face him but you find him already looking at you. You wrap your arms around him. He stiffens at first then wraps his arms around your waist.

“I was worried about you” You whisper, not sure if he heard you.

“Who wouldn't miss my handsome face?” he says, causing you to laugh and hug him tighter.

You finally let go, looking him in the eyes.

“Promise me you'll always come back,”

He node “I promise”

You stare into his eyes, as he stares into yours.

He then began moving closer towards you.

You closed your eyes and then felt a pair of soft lips on yours.

You kissed him back passionately.

After a while, you both pull away to catch your breath.

“I'm guessing that means you like me too?” he says, staring at you with a slight blush on his cheek.

You nod, pulling him in for another kiss.

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#minho maze runner #the maze runner #mazeposting #maze runner #minho x you #minho x reader #tmr minho #minho imagines #minho #minho headcanons #thomas tmr #newt tmr #alby tmr #gladers #the glades #teresa tmr #gally tmr

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howl-fantasies · 1 year

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I have a request for headcanons of the Gotham rogues having met the Y/N when they were ig sane aka. not evil and then awhile after just seeing them at Arkham, now knowing they went down the same pit they had.

At least they can be a new rogue!

( I'm thinking of them liking each other romantically beforehand and then Y/N poof is now not sane- like oops but you can still date 🤷‍♀️ )

Hi dear, thank you for your request! And so sorry for the delay! I like the concept, it's a really plausible one. The idea of them meeting each other again in Arkham and bonding because of their common misfortune and spiralling to hell is a very good one! *Barbara vibes here*😂

I made scenarios with the reader being friend or sort of with the villains first, since I thought it would be fitting, I hope it's ok for you dear. I went with: Ed, Oswald, Victor and Jonathan. Tell me if you want to read more headcanons with other villains.

So here it is:

Warning: violence, blood, mental illness, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt, Arkham (hey, it can be traumatising, ask Oswald and Ed), English is not my first language I'm working on it.

Word Count: 3.685

GOTHAM VILLAINS HAVING MET THE READER WHEN THEY WERE SANE

EDWARD NYGMA / THE RIDDLER

You were Kringle's coworker and met Eddy at the GCPD.

Even if you worked with the other woman you were never really close, mostly because of the awful way she treated Ed at first.

Even if he was a dork, you used to find him endearing and always gave his riddles a shot, succeeding or not to answer correctly.

If you were good at riddles, Ed would immediately become your partner in riddle-crime, always searching for a good one able to stump you.

If riddles weren't your forte, he appreciated your effort and gentleness. You really were trying and he really loved the spark of comprehension in your eyes when he would give you the correct answer and how you would facepalm and curse at how obvious it was when you were thinking about it.

Your closeness would earn you a lot of teasing from Jim, Harvey and the other cops, most of the times it would be mean remarks targeting Ed, though.

But you both knew the truth: Nygma was still obsess with Kringle. You, on the other hand, always had a soft spot for him. You didn't need to be a genius, though, to know your attraction for dear Ed was only a one side one. So you never told him anything about it.

When Ed started to lose it, you truly were horrified. Why? How? What was happening to him? You did your best to team up with Jim in order to bring your lovely co-worker back to you.

You already know the result: it will be an epic fail. For Jim, you and finally Ed who will be send to Arkham.

Then, your own little descent into hell happened.

Without Ed, you were now the new GCPD's scapegoat. Those guys never learn anything, right?

Hell at work and in your personal life: losing a close relative, meeting someone who hurt you badly, money issues, illness... choose your weapon and be ready to see your uneventful life burst into flames for the worse...or maybe the better?

You would wreak absolute havoc in Gotham, so much, Gordon himself had to go after you and managed to arrest you.

"What happened to you Y/N?! Ed wasn't enough? Why did you have to follow his path?!" He asked-yelled, the deep hurt visible in his eyes.

Goodbye Gotham, hello Arkham. Guess who you met again here?

“No waaay ∼ Look at you my dear, you are positively stunning!” His taunting voice would call you from the other side of the refectory. “Did you missed me so much you decided to pursue me here? My, oh my, I’m honoured!” *Yes, you can hit his pompous ass, please do it*

Riddler had to stop his mocking, though. When he saw you so numb, his felt his heart clench painfully. He appreciated you a lot back then. And seeing you so hollow made him drop his cocky act.

“Are you ok dear?” He would ask, joining you at your table and cautiously seating in front of you with his brows furrowed. “What happened?”

And you would tell him. How your life became a living hell when he was gone. How everything crumbled around you until your mind didn’t have any other choice than snap.

Goodness. He empathized. He truly did. His own snapping was relatively fresh after all.

He would make his own little mission to protect you from Strange and his little human experiments, he would try his best to lift your spirit and even create special riddles only for you. Don’t worry about answering wrong, you wouldn’t die for it, he swore.

Now that Kringle was out of the picture, Ed would finally see you. See how you were always kind with his dork him, how you tried to save him when everything went south for him, how you would discreetly wrinkle your cute nose when something was bothering you but you were too polite to point it out loud. God what was he thinking while running after his previous doomed love when you, who never tried to change anything with him, was just under his nose. He would feel like the biggest fool into the whole city let me tell you.

He wouldn’t mind you being now judged as insane. He wouldn’t mind your illness. He would only mind how a blushing mess he was gradually becoming when you were near him. And he would only mind about ensuring your security: inside of Arkham, outside of it when he would convince Oswald to get you out too.

Be ready to be the one receiving muffins with a bullet in it, flowers, poems, and any romantic gift you can think about.

Bonus: he will always keep a picture of the two of you inside of his wallet. You both were in Arkham’s uniform at the cafeteria while he was teaching you how to play chess with a paper handmade one he created just for you. He would never admit it to anyone but he thought you were the cutest thing in your uniform.

OSWALD COBBLEPOT / THE PENGUIN

You fist met Oswald when he entered the little tailor shop you owned.

He needed a new suit for his grand debuts in the mafia’s world, when he started to work for Fish.

He wouldn’t be very kind during his first visits. But he came back every times, finding your sense of fashion and sewing technique terrific.

He finally decided to compliment them once, bringing you to talk about a lot of things: suits, buttons, and more dangerous subjects like his mother and his growing criminal career. Nothing too touchy, though. Oswald is a cautious little thing and he also didn’t want you to sell any information or, if you really were as kind as you looked, make you a target if anyone wanted to hurt him.

Soon, you would become his little secret. His breath of fresh air. He would even try to hide your friendship to his dear mother, too afraid she insults you or demand him to stop seeing you.

But Gertrude is perceptive in her own way and would suspect something. Because of Oswald’s stupid happy smile whenever he was putting one of your creation, she would stay silent and let him think he was so good at keeping secrets. She swore to tore you apart if you ever dare to break his lovely son’s heart, though.

Your relationship reached an important point when he would met you just after Fish defeat and flee, thanks to Victor. His clothes and face were a total mess.

So you patched his suit and him, without asking questions you knew he wouldn’t answer.

But he decided to speak. Well, not really speak, he vented. His nerves cracking and his temper starting to get the best of him. He always tried to keep it tamed near you, too afraid about your possible reaction.

You didn’t run away. You let him yell, smash his hands and fists against your furniture, and offered him some tea, fruits and biscuits.

“Poof” angry Oswald was now tamed. You’re a wizard/witch reader, be ready to receive a letter from Hogwarts in the following days.

After this, Cobblepot’s fondness for you will know no limit. As his dear friend, he would always make sure your shop and you were ok, even when everything around him was burning.

But Gotham is Gotham, you know. Trouble, misery, and disasters always find their way to you.

It started with an arson. Your shop was burned to the very ground. By who? Oswald swore to investigate and help you build it back, even better than before.

But he wasn’t that rich at this time, so you did what any citizen would have done: you called the insurance, you went to the illustrious Gotham Central Bank and ask for their help to lend you the funds you needed.

Condensed, their answer was pretty much a: “LMAO no fucking way, please go die somewhere in the dark alone.” Pretty much. With prettier and complex words, but the meaning was the same.

Oswald was livid. You too. But you’ll eventually find a way to back up on your feet. Right? *Spoiler: no*

Your chance definitely left you when a few weeks later, Oswald get caught and sent to Arkham, letting you all alone to deal with your problem and Cobblepot’s foes who somehow had heard about you.

Domino effect. It would always be your answer to the “What happened to you?” inevitable question. You lost it. You snapped. Nobody, except Oswald, was keen on helping you in this hell hole. Nobody would care if you were to die alone in a dark and shady alley.

Why would you care about robbing the bank then? And other banks, galleries, rich people in town? Money was the key. You needed money. In fact, it became your obsession. Money will guarantee you a home, you will never lose yours ever again. Money will guarantee you security, power, and quick solutions whenever you may be in need for one.

You get caught too. Your total obsession for money making you the perfect new candidate to the only asylum in town. Not like you cared. Your precious money was safe, you made sure of it. But from Arkham, it would be a little bit difficult to reach.

Life decided to stop being a bitch when you saw your dear friend again.

“Y/N?!” You heard him yell when you were escorted to the cell next to his own. “Oh my god my dear, I am so sorry I wasn’t here for you! But what are you doing here! It must be a mistake! Guards! Let us go this instant, we aren’t mentally ill for heaven’s sake!”

Like Ed, Oswald will make sure no harm was done to you in Arkham. Yes, he would even protect you from Jerome. He would never let the freak touch a single hair of your head. You were too precious.

Oswald would also make sure to get you out. Even after Strange little mind game on him. He would never forget you or judge you a bad influence for him.

Of course he’ll notice your newfound obsession for money. But he understands. Better, he will make sure to help you make and steal a lot of it.

He asked you to move in with him during his mayor campaign, implored you to stay during his Gotham’s throne conquest - for your own security. In fact, he will want you with him at all times. You, his dearest friend. The only one who, he knew, would never turn their back on him.

Be ready to catch him facing empty chairs a few times when you come back home. “Don’t panic, he’s practicing his confession,” Olga told you in her language that you obviously don’t understand a word about.

Gifts. Gifts everywhere. Everyday. For no reason. He likes to spoil you rotten. “Can’t you see this boy fell head over heels for you, idiot?” Would sigh Olga every time. Of course, both of you will miss it every time, demanding her to speak in freaking ENGLISH... Poor you guys... It will take ages.

VICTOR ZSASZ

Victor met you for the first time at the Lady's illegal casino.

You weren't an assassin yourself, by no means. Just here to work as an accountant. You knew about the Lady's business and ensure she never had any issue with her money, writing her contracts for her and it was all.

When the most famous assassin in town showed his bald head in the casino and the Lady wasn't here, he pretexted he was "just passing by" and got lost here. Dude... I mean...

You had to facepalm. Which made him laugh like an idiot. You knew who he was, but also were accustomed to assassins at this point so it wasn't like you were going to pee in your pants while being in front of him. He liked it.

You introduced yourself properly and explained you worked for the Lady and was aware he was supposed to come to see her.

You offered him a drink on the house and humor him with small talk while waiting for your boss.

When she finally showed up, the three of you moved in a seclude area to talk business. Something about a contract the Lady wanted to make with Victor, with the benediction of Carmine Falcone.

He was amazed by how composed and organized you were. Clinical. Like any good assassin should be, even if you weren't one. He absolutely loved your quick wit and the dark jokes you would offer from time to time to help lightening the mood when tension was getting too intense. Damn, you were good!

Victor being Victor, he quickly became fascinated by you, following you everywhere in town with or without you knowing.

You caught him stalking you once when you stopped by a pizza truck, asking for a calzone.

"Add one pepperoni please. Oh! And a milkshake too." Came his voice from behind you, making you jump out of your skin and curse him like a sailor.

"What the hell?! Are you following me? I mean, for real?! DUDE!" You yelled in pure outrage.

He wouldn't even try to hide it. Simply offering you his irritating "Uh-uh".

"What for? Plan to kill me or something?" You asked.

His long silence wasn't mean to threaten you, no. He was admiring your nerves of steel. Also questioning your sanity a bit, truth be told. But since you made him a really good impression so far, he decided you were impressive.

"Not today", he just said with a shrug. Ok, so he wanted to play friends or something so stupidly mondain like this. Again, you decided to humor him.

Guess what, after a few times of totally not planned encounters, you started to really get close to each other. Even exchange numbers at some point.

He would always find the time to pay you a little visit at the casino at the end of your shift and appreciate the strange normalcy it gave him.

Everything was fine until one day, the Lady's illegal casino was under attack, getting nearly everyone killed brutally.

You survived somehow. You weren't an assassin but it didn't mean they didn't taught you a thing or two, like surviving *the irony* or using weapons.

When the GCPD FINALLY arrived, they caught you, covered in blood and utterly shocked. You were still processing everything happening and your world falling apart.

Your distressed attitude and shock were the main reasons why you were send to Arkham, in hope they would help you to get through it and release you after it.

They didn't plan the bloodbath would have turned one very dangerous switch inside of you. The blood, the thrill, the smell of powder, the pure rush of adrenaline. God you wanted more.

A month later maybe, guess who also found his ass in the same facility? But yes of course: Victor Zsasz.

His goofy grin threatened to split his jaw in half when he saw you: "Hey Sweets! Knew you survived!"

It wouldn't need much for him to understand what switch was activated inside of you. And he was positively thrilled by it!

He offered to train you, respected when you declined joining the Zsaszettes and came with another idea: introduce you to Falcone/Oswald (depending on where you want to stand in the timeline) and make you their brand new accountant-assassin.

Be ready to find him glued to you at anytime, you were his little secret crush back then, you're now his new God/Goddess and nothing will stop him to worship you properly, not even you. You'll see you were made for each other, eventually.

JONATHAN CRANE / SCARECROW

You were Jonathan's classmate and friend.

You weren't as easy spook as him so you often where his emotional support and bodyguard, especially at school with bullies. No need to be a total badass, your fondness for him was enough to give you the courage to shut up the boys or girls making fun of him and you, or give them a proper beating if you feel like so.

His sensibility always touched you deeply, and you were always here whenever he needed to vent about something or talk about his fears.

This is how you learned about the arson taking the life of his mother. The gradual shutting of his father and his obsession with fear and how to tame it.

When it was only researches, you found yourself really interested in Jonathan's father discoveries, as much as Jonathan himself. He was always a little genius in science and physics. Share it with him or not, your interest for the fear field wasn't feigned.

He gladly explained whatever you didn't understand and even suggested a few theories, sharing them with you.

It could have stayed this way, a passion, a subject of research. But it had to escalate when Jon's father started to look for unwilling test subjects.

You weren't aware of it at first. Unsuspecting, until you found Jonathan doubled in half on the floor of the school's bathroom one day, crying like a river and mumbling nonsense about him being a monster and going straight to hell.

You rushed to him, crouching at his level and tried to shake him out of his shock. "Jon'! Hey! Look at me! What are you talking about, you're no monster! Something happened? Please talk to me."

Poor boy was an absolute mess but managed to hear you and let you help him to sit. And he spoke. Oh good lord, he spoke for an hour or so, telling you everything about his father and what he was doing to poor gothamites. How he was forced into this total craziness and how he started to fear his father will ask him to use you as a test subject one day.

Horrified. That's how you felt, frankly. You had to stay silent for a good five minutes to process everything your friend just told you.

But you liked Jonathan, and he wasn't responsible of his father madness, right?

You comforted him, swearing it was not his fault and he wasn't a monster.

When he finally stopped crying, you swore to him that you'll never tell it to anyone, not even the police *You were teens. Teens do stupid things like this. Well, adults too when you think about it...*

He would come to you every time his father would terrify some innocent in town, crying for hours on your shoulders.

When his dad used the toxin on him, he was on phone with you, making you yell bloody murder on the other side of the line and dropping everything you were doing to run to his house.

You crumbled when you saw your best friend on the ground under his phobia: a huge scarecrow, yelling, crying and spasming like he was having a heart attack. You rushed to him and pushed Harvey away, "He's my friend! Oh my god! Please do something!" You pleaded in tears, having to be manhandled by Jim to allow emergency services to reach him.

You were at the hospital everyday, hating you for not having call the GCPD sooner. Maybe it would have saved Jon. The guilt was eating you alive. When the docteur told you he was a lost cause, you felt like going into a tailspin. Then, came the numbness.

When Jonathan was transferred into an asylum where visits weren't allowed, you made a new friend: depression.

Nothing could help you, you wanted to die. Die for being responsible of your friend distress, die because all you were able to feel was pain.

You went to his house one day, when the guilt and pain were too much to bear. You found yourself inside his father's old office and started to rummage around his things. There, a syringe. With some shady yellow liquid floating inside of it.

You didn't had any idea about what was inside. But at this point, you didn't care any more. You took it in your hands, looked at it just a second before plunging it directly on your upper arm, emptying it in it.

Your yells of absolute terror were what made neighbors call the police, thinking a murder was happening in Crane's old house. When Gordon and Bullock found you, they felt ice in their veins. You were Jonathan's friend. The one who found him with them that night. The one who always was by his side at the hospital before his transfer. Jim felt he failed you. Harvey too.

You went through the exact same hell as Jonathan. First the delirium, the nightmares... When you finally managed to wake up, your diagnosis was the same as him: a lost cause. Arkham was your new stop. They didn't want to send you to the same facility's Jonathan was in, too afraid it would be too much of a shock for both of you guys.

Oh but fate has its own ways. And you finally saw each other again, years later. When he was now incarcerated as Scarecrow.

He recognized you immediately. Not believing what he was seeing. What happened to you? He tried to find you when he started his criminal career but it was like your very existence vanished from earth.

He was always perceptive. A minute was enough for him to understand: you were exposed to his toxin. Well, to his father's toxin.

He was as sorry for you as he was impress when you explained him you took the same dose of toxin he took a few years back and was still living to tell the tale.

Since you were his friend *cough* and also school sweetheart *cough*, and now totally immune to his fear toxin, he decided it was time for him to take care of you and make sure you were always safe.

Be ready for a clingy best friend-lover, for cuddles every times you two are alone, to weird scary gifts, halloween chocolates, dead flowers and basically any weird thing he would find romantic or cute.

A/N - I hope you liked it! Have a beautiful day/night my dear, take care!

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mazeinthemiroh · 1 year

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Hello, I love your writing! I saw your SKZ as ex bfs, I was wondering if you'd do an Ateez as ex bfs?

ateez as ex boyfriends

genre: headcanon; angst, hurt

word count: 1.5k

warnings: angstyyyy, hongjoong's one hurts the most imo but they're all pretty heartbreaking so have fun ig 🫠

hongjoong

the bitter one

he's not toxic in any way, but he just feels a lot of resentment about the whole situation

why be in a relationship for so long if it was just bound to fail?

he would feel like he has wasted precious time. but, most importantly, he would feel like it would be his fault

where did he go wrong? could he have somehow managed to salvage this relationship? be more attentive, perhaps?

there are so many questions that swirl around in his head. they distract him from his work for a while, which makes him more exasperated because now he's wasting more time and energy thinking about something he can't even change!

he can't help be feel emotionally frustrated

has cried multiple times in the studio when he's by himself, mainly because you used to accompany him late at night when everyone had gone. now he's by himself...

and if he finds out his ex has started dating someone else, he thinks he's officially hit rock bottom

seonghwa

the wistful one

seonghwa has the tendency to reflect and reminisce on the good times

and in this case, he ends up hurting his own feelings a lot more

because focusing on the past makes you less appreciative of the present and what he has now

but it's hard to focus on the present when the past was... so good

his brain is constantly filled with all the good times he had with you. every date you went on, every present you got him; when you smiled every time he complimented you; the way you laughed at his dorky jokes; the way you indulged all his hobbies and interest, watching his favourite movies and even building legos with him.

and now you're not in his life at all. so how, just how could he possibly focus on the present when everything that happened once before was like pure magic

he's in an impossible situation, and all he feels like doing is crying whilst thinking of you

there is a massive gap in his heart where you should be

yunho

the one who jokes around

so i feel like this will solely depend on what type of breakup you guys have had

if it's a seriously bad breakup involving arguments, crying and overall angst, he's not going to joke around about it. he will most likely be quite sensitive about it actually, and not want anyone to mention it

but if it's a mutual breakup, or you guys have just found that your difference has brought you apart and it's best to go your separate ways, something like that, then he will cope with the breakup much better

he's not one to be negative. he thinks, in this situation: if it's not meant to be, then it's not meant to be! no good being sad all the time when you could move on and try to think of the positives

will make jokes about the breakup or different aspects of the relationship - not to shun or disrespect you in any way, just to make light of it

if you're still in his friendship circle, he will definitely do this in front of you, in hopes you would join in and make fun of how you both used to be

it's one of his ways of coping and if you can join in with his jokes, then it's much, much easier for him

yeosang

the self-contained one

he keeps to himself about the matter

none of the members seems to know how he feels after the break-up - not even wooyoung, who continuously shows concern and wants him to confide in him!

but yeosang stays quiet. he just wants to forget about the whole ordeal and feels that talking about it will make it worse

which of course makes the others worry about him more so it kind of works at his disadvantage anyway

the members look out for him regardless of his choice, keeping a close eye on him to see if he's okay

but he doesn't act anything out of the ordinary. on the contrary, he is quite his normal self

however, he seeks to be alone. and when he is alone, he tends to get lost in his thoughts... which almost always makes him cry because all his thoughts go back to you

it's a vicious circle and he knows deep down he should talk to someone about his feelings

and he eventually does, most likely going to wooyoung or seonghwa, because he trusts their advice and knows he can vent to them safely, without any judgement

san

the one that doesn't give up

in the early parts of the breakup, san was, understandably, an emotional mess

his heart was hurting tremendously because of the thought of not being with you, and losing the special relationship you guys had. it ruins him. its something he wouldn't even dare to imagine - and now it's his reality

he really doesn't know what to do with himself

weeks would elapse with san slowly trying to heal himself of this heartbreak

but then, as he's staring at his reflection in the mirror - the bloodshot eyes filled with tears once again - his eyebrows arch downwards. this isn't what he wants. no. this wasn't going to happen. not if he had anything to say about it

he was going to try and win you back

if this meant putting on a grand gesture, gatsby style, in order to get your attention? he'll do it. if this meant making you jealous by pretending to be interested in someone else? he'll do it. he'll fight all that he can if he has to

if you knew anything about san, it is that he is very determined. very stubborn. he is not one to give up. not without a fight

mingi

the hoarder

well...

mingi is gonna be sad for a long time, let me tell you that.

and he doesn't admit it but it's plain as day

he can keep denying it to his friends, his family, the other members, etc... but it's so obvious that he is hurting inside and he's really fooling no one

and if it wasn't the glazed look in his eyes that gave him away, it was his hoarding of your stuff

the necklace you left in his room now permanently sits around his neck, the pretty metal falling close to his heart, where you still were

your hoodie he would wrap around himself as if it were you around him

and even sleep with it, the smell a comforting reminder of being once loved by you, even if that was not the case anymore

he knows it's not healthy to not let go, but how could he?

it was too soon for him, way too soon

so for now, he will indulge in these comforts for as long as he has to. he doesn't care how long it takes for him to get over you.

wooyoung

the one in denial

he refuses to admit that he misses you

hell, sometimes he refuses to admit he even loved or cared about you. which of course, is the biggest lie he's ever told

on the outside, it seemed that wooyoung had moved on quickly. perhaps too quickly, some would say...

because of this, the members would check up on him more often after the breakup, but he always shrugged them off.

"i'm fine" he'd say with a small grin "one partner out of the way, i guess. and i've got a long line of more still to come!"

he would say that he's excited about being single again so he can enjoy getting attention. all the attention he had before he started dating you

he likes having his freedom back

confirmed bachelor ✅

but deep down he is hurting. deep down he knows that no one will ever be able to take your place.

and he tries to fill that void and forget and deny but he can't sustain that. oh no; he wants you back.

jongho

the content one

he's quite similar to yunho in the sense that his response to the breakup will solely rely on the situation

but in most situations, he's quite a calm ex. doesn't do anything too crazy. of course, he's sad the relationship didn't work for the both of you, though. and there are aspects of the relationship he would miss a lot

but he would be grateful for the experience and what you have taught him about himself, along the way

alexa, play thank u, next by ariana grande

no, but seriously, he takes his experience from your relationship as something to learn from before entering his next relationship, you know?

he will evaluate what he had done wrong or what he could've done better, stuff like that...

so overall, he recovers from the breakup quite positively. out of all the members, he's the most emotionally stable coming out of a relationship.

ateez taglist: @a-wandering-stay, @xlovehwa, @yeosangsbiceps, @anyamaris, @acciocriativity, @hawaiian-angel, @chammak-challokys

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surplus-of-sarcasm · 1 year

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Pt.2

Le Number 17

TW: Issues with parents ig?

Villain lets out a breath they didn't know they were holding as they pull into their driveway. They get out and fumble with their keys, fitting them into the lock as fast as humanely possible.

All they want to do is collapse on the couch, but they're currently covered in a disgusting mixture of blood, most of which is not their own and sweat. But more importantly, they don't live alone, and they can't risk being seen in costume, even if everyone's asleep right now.

Or they were supposed to be asleep.

Villain's mother is sitting on the couch and at the sound of them coming inside, she snaps her book shut.

As she walks forward and looks them all-over, her face slowly hardens into a picture of pure and unbridled fury. Villain's train of thought consists of nothing but an infinite amount of rather filthy expletives that they would probably be disowned for ever using. How did she recognise them, even with the domino mask on?

"So this is what you've been doing? This is where you've been getting your money from?" She gestures to their costume. And her tone is disappointed, repulsed even. No sign of concern at all. Villain doesn't understand why they feel a sharp pain in their chest because of it.

"Well, I uh, I was actually at this party, lost track of time, and sorta broke curfew. Costume party, won second place for accuracy," they lie through their teeth, nervously rubbing the back of their neck.

"Cut the crap! I've had doubts when I saw the news, and I've tried to convince myself it wasn't true. But of course, you never fail to impress me," she spits coldly.

They feel their cheeks burn, and their heart skips a million beats. But they keep their expression level as they rip off their mask. Which was ultimately a terrible decision, considering how exposed they currently felt. "Mum, I'm really tired, can I just go clean up and turn in for the night, and maybe we can discuss my alter ego in the morning? Or preferably not at all." They mutter that last part under their breath.

"Oh, you think it's that simple? To know that I've been raising one of this city's worst criminals. I thought you had a legitimate job!"

"And is legitimacy really important when we almost got kicked out of this place? We were going to sell the car, God, we didn't even know how we were going to eat." They try their hardest to keep their cool, but they can't help the fact that some irritation sneaks into their tone.

"You've always been such a goddamn disappointment, but this? It's just extreme."

Villain's breathing becomes quicker and shallower, and it feels like an invisible hand has a vice-like grip around their throat, slowly choking them. They've always been the 'yes ma'am' child, the one who never talks back, studying late into the night to get perfect grades, pushing themselves through sports practice and babysitting practically raising their younger siblings. But it was never enough, and finally their mother had managed to push them to their limits.

"So you know my little secret," they hiss, their voice becoming dangerously low, using the same tone that terrified some of this city's strongest heroes.

"And what are you going to do about it? Kick me out of the house that I pay the rent for? If you're so concerned about legality, maybe you should've tried finding a job. You know full-well that no 'legitimate' job a college student can get would pay for anything." They walk forward slowly, eyes narrow as slits and expression stone-cold.

She backs away from them slowly. "You-you're a monster!" she screams, slapping them hard on the cheek and storming out of the room.

The sting of the hot shower water on their fresh wounds doesn't hurt at all compared to the sharp ache in their heart. They've never been struck before, and sure, they're used to being their mother's dumping ground, till they were knee-deep in her crap. But the words they'd just heard felt worse than being shot. And they've actually experienced the pain to be able to boast such a comparison.

Wiping away furiously at their teary eyes, they dry themselves off, bandage their wounds and get dressed in their pajamas. They. Should. Not. Care.

As they step into their room, they find a figure perched on their window sill, reading one of their favourite books. Hero.

"Get out of my house," they snap, not bothering to ask how their nemesis got in, their exhaustion overpowering their survival instincts.

"Well that was rude," Hero muses, closing their book and smiling slightly. "But after what I've just heard, I can't really blame ya." They get off the window sill.

"Just go to he-"

"I know a thing or two about parents that are never satisfied, even if you bend over backwards for them." They let out a long-suffering sigh, and they suddenly age years in a matter of seconds. They're only a year or two older than Villain themselves though.

They sit down on the surprisingly soft carpet, resting their back against the wall and they motion for Villain to come over.

"What do you want?"

They gesture to their lap, and even when they cock a confused eyebrow, they're still adamant about it.

So, that's how they find themselves lying on their enemy's lap, with Hero's fingers in their hair, nails gently scratching their scalp. They follow up with working away the knots in Villain's sore neck and shoulders, the criminal relaxing completely under their touch.

Not much later, they pick up their sleeping nemesis's form and tuck them into bed. They feel their heart flutter at the sight of how peaceful they look.

If only someone had been there to give them the same treatment when they'd needed it most.

#prompt #hero x villain #somewhat fluffy #but not w/o some angst of course #a little long #female writers #writers on tumblr

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daz4i · 2 months

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ok ok rather than make a bunch of annoying vent posts i'm just gonna put everything on my mind all in one post to let it out 🔥 you absolutely do not need to read this, this is honestly so ridiculously long. my brain better feel clean for like at least 2 days after this fr

i knew i was gonna crash after this week and i think this is it 🥲 i was so tense for literally a whole week (even more tbh, bc i was preemptively scared of how much i have to do too) and i think the adrenaline drop kicked in after the peak of this one (aka being in a big social event. haven't been to one of those in literal years)

also. my parents have been sick this week and i think i maybe have contracted it too? 😭 if that is indeed the case it literally kicked in in the last like hour of the event, i was perfectly fine beforehand bc i avoided being in the same closed space as them when i could (aka kept my distance or made sure windows were open around me all the time jic). bc suddenly my whole body hurts like it hasn't in a long while. tho that might be the adrenaline crash too who knows 🥲 ig i'll see how i feel when i wake up

i have not been creative in awhile and i can feel my brain drowning in gunk lol. technically i tried writing songs a couple of times lately but they came out so bad i can't finish them. or anything. and i feel like shit abt failing to create literally anything. and i keep seeing people be creative and make so much or sharing their work fearlessly and it's always so much better than mine too that i'm burning with jealousy that i can't turn off (and can't channel into my own creation bc well. it comes out shitty! so the cycle not only continues but in fact gets worse each time). every time someone tells me i'm good it feels like they're lying to make me feel better or bc they love me so they're. biased and see everything i make as good bc it's me, so i can't count that. every time *i* feel like smth i made is good there's some glaring imperfection i don't know how to iron out so i start hating the whole piece. i don't know how to become better when every time i try to practice i end up wanting to claw my own eyes out as punishment for being so talentless and dumb

(the dumb thing too is. oh my god this is gonna sound so silly but. i try to make myself feel better by solving puzzles or trivia or riddles etc bc these are things i'm usually good at. but lately i can't be proud of myself for succeeding at any of them, and i keep beating myself harder for every time i fail or don't do as well as i used to, bc it feels like i'm failing at the only thing i'm supposed to be good at. also i just generally keep doing stupid things lately esp when it comes to my time management or taking care of my body in various ways, i keep forgetting things which is smth i almost never do, i struggle to get through conversations with others bc i trip over my words or make mistakes constantly, generally i'm just being stupid in various ways)

right now i am. so anxious. about so many things. here let me just make it into a list starting with very small to. probably still small but it feels big to me

1. this is so silly but. i am literally too tired to put small earrings back in after changing them to long one for the party. and i'm scared the holes will close up in my sleep. but this is literally so much work 💔 idk if the holes haven't healed properly or if i'm using the wrong metal so i keep getting infections bc it's been A While (two years. apparently. maybe more??) and they haven't healed yet. like i said a silly thing to get stressed over but i am. very tense

2. i don't know. if the people i knew in the party actually didn't recognize me or if they ignored me on purpose. bc i stood next to some of them while my besties were talking to them too and they didn't even say hi (or like introduced themselves the way others that i didn't know have done). one of them was literally my bestie for a good few months a few years ago and even tho i grew a beard i. don't think i changed THAT much??? also i don't think it's hard to make the connection abt who i am given how tight this community is. someone i haven't talked to since like 2015 bc we had beef recognized me even. so how come they didn't. i met one in a con recently and she did recognize me so. h. did i do something wrong. did someone say smth bad about me. i don't know i don't understand social rules enough to figure it out 😭

3. this is another thing abt that tbh 🥲 while it was very fun and a super cool event, it did remind me very painfully of why my social anxiety is so bad 😭 i felt like i made 10 social errors per minute. i didn't know what to say half the time so i just smiled or laughed and i think that made me seem creepy idk. a lot of people were very nice and i think i did mostly fine with them but also maybe not. idk. i am definitely overthinking things but what if i'm right. it's not that out of the question. i am known to fail social interactions there's a reason why i do my best to avoid them

4. and this is kinda bringing me to a thing i have on my mind a lot recently. bc i'm doing the recovery thing. and a lot of people - friends family and professionals who help me there - tell me i am capable of more than i think or admit. and i get WHY they think that bc i *am* doing a lot compared to the literal nothing i've been up to for years. but i am very much pushing outside my limits, which is why i'm constantly feeling like shit lately i think (not that i was doing great before but. yeah). it probably seems mostly effortless bc i just do them without beating much around the bush but that's only when i mentally prepare myself days or even weeks ahead (for reference, i'm talking about things like. being in public. or taking a bus). or the work i do for projects that... honestly idk how i'm doing that either. i am the laziest person ever and i have no ability to concentrate yet i managed to sit down and do work and do it well and learn text by heart and research and write for hours and ??? it does not feel like myself. but it also kinda does bc i need to very forcefully push myself into it and berate myself for hours until i actually get up to do anything so. it's not smth that comes naturally to me. i don't consider myself capable of things. i'm just very good at pretending i'm unbothered (up until i start crying uncontrollably at least lol) so ppl think i am. unfortunately. bc then they expect me to do more. or they pressure me into it then get disappointed when i can't do it (ig that's the core of it for me... i don't want anyone to develop expectations about me, bc i know i won't be able to meet them, at least not long term. so i insist i can't do anything, bc sometimes - often - i really really can't. i don't wanna be judged by my best. feels false to even call it that tbh. but that's bc it's so rare, it's the best for a reason, the absolute peak i can get to, as pathetic as it is. bc the problem is, when this is already beyond my limits, i literally can't go further, but that's what they want me to do 💔)

5. god. this is also a small thing probably but the accidental lie i mentioned. for context i am giving a lecture abt p5's mythology in the next con, that's the thing i was working on lately. anyway when i signed up i gave background information about myself, and to make myself sound more fitting for the job i said that i learned the topic in [university that specializes in said topic] bc i did - just. 2 classes. that's it. i was telling the truth there, technically (most of my knowledge on the topic comes from independent research, but the classes i took did help with that too, as in i knew where to look for info and things to look out for) (also for reference i'm gonna be fr. i did not finish these classes. social anxiety got to me and i was scared to go to anything outside zoom lessons which weren't an option anymore unfortunately)

ANYWAY when they told me i got in they sent me a "revised" bio which was just what i originally sent them, so i said okay. but now the whole thingie was posted and i can see my bio there and. they said i graduated from [uni] and used language that implies i have a degree in it, probably to make me sound more credible, but it's not true!!!! 😭😭😭 the thing i said was definitely embellishment but it WAS true enough that if asked directly about it i could spin it somehow ("oh i haven't finished yet" "yeah i took a couple of classes when i could to enrich my knowledge") but this. makes it so much harder

chances are i won't be asked bc why would anyone ask abt that. but ever since i started writing the script i was so stressed about people calling me out for being wrong abt info, so i even added a disclaimer of "these are old texts that have many versions that vary according to location or were changed with time uwu if you know a different version of this story that's probably why uwu" and "due to the time constraint i'm giving a very simplified and short version of this topic uwu" bc given that i'm talking a lot abt judaism. to a mainly (or most likely, entirely) jewish audience. it's enough that there is someone who is religious or previously ultra orthodox in the audience that if i make a mistake they could point it out. and then i'll start panicking and lose my train of thought and fuck everything up while i'm already so stressed as is and-

so like i've been super stressed abt all that^ until now but that misinfo in my bio is raising the stakes for me 😭 bc now what if someone who went to this uni and majored in this topic calls me out on never seeing me there. or they can tell the info i'm giving isn't smth that's taught there or isn't the way it's taught there. this is such a specific and unlikely fear but i can't not stress about it because TECHNICALLY it's possible, it COULD happen even if that's not too likely

6. all of this is while i'm also struggling with bureaucracy around that art program i'm signing up to, idk if i'll get in yet or not bc i need some files to be approved and idk if they would, and idk what i'll do if they don't. or what if they do! i'm honestly so scared to start it, idk how i'm gonna go from nothing to waking up early and driving an hour 4 times a week to be active and around people for a few hours. tbh i don't think i can, but also if this gets approved then i have to, so the government's money doesn't get flushed down the toilet bc of me.

7. all this shit has a major impact on my physical health 🥲 not getting into details bc that's def tmi territory but. i'm fighting for my life over a certain stress-caused medical thing for weeks now. only other time i had it was when the war originally started so naturally i was extra stressed then, but like, this is to give you a reference for how majorly stressed i am now. my regular pains are flaring up more often too which makes things harder to handle as well (like, stressing abt not doing enough work, bc i'm literally in too much pain to do anything but lie down. or being scared of the plans i have for the week bc what if these pains catch me when i'm outside or with people. how am i supposed to push through them. what if they catch me when i'm in public and i have to sit down in the middle of the street. what if i'm with people and i'm holding them back from doing smth bc of that. etc etc)

8. ofc all this is happening during the war and i keep seeing things i really don't wanna see from ppl in my country and the west 🥲 and it's like, the mix of guilt over this happening at all, and the frustration over feeling like i have nothing to do about it, and fear about how things are gonna escalate in either direction, and seeing friends from other countries posting things i agree with but can't condone full heartedly bc well. this'll hurt me directly, as selfish as it sounds (tbf, when i say hurt me directly, i'm talking about me and my loved ones' lives being endangered), but also seeing said loved ones talking about things i can't agree with morally, yet can't fully refute either because life is. complicated. i have a lot more to say tbh but i'm too tired to acknowledge every single facet of every single related issue which will open me to a lot of hate so. best to leave it here. unfortunately

idk where to put this. sorry for the sudden topic change. it feels bad to be stressed over that but, there is a guy who i know likes me like a lot. i think i'm like exactly his taste and he's always so excited about seeing or talking to me. one of my besties - or maybe more. idk - really wants us to get together bc tbh it'll probably be good for both of us, and y'all know how desperate i am to be loved lol. but i can't bring myself to like him the way he likes me 💔 he's fun but i have a hard time with one on one interactions so i can't really progress things and tbh, idk if i'm currently in a mindset where i even should, given all that^. also i know for a fact i can't handle an actual relationship, and i'm scared i'll disappoint him or drive him away if i'll be my real unfiltered self, and ik i need to be obsessed with someone to get attached this quickly but i can't force it either. and to put it more directly... i'm perfect for him and his taste, but not the other way around 🥲 (tho tbf idk what my taste even is. i identify as aroace for a reason). i don't wanna string him along but i think i already kind of am 😭 i like him but not as much as he likes me, but what i probably like here even more is the feeling of being liked. and that makes me feel like a dick. i also feel guilty for not liking him the same way ig even tho ik it's stupid bc it's not like i can control it. and yet

so yeah this is. a lot of shit. all at once. both silly and not silly at all. my brain is in constant overload. i get violently suicidal every time i have a moment alone with my thoughts or when i see anything that reminds me of that. bc all this stress makes life feel so impossible - it IS impossible - that i can't handle the thought of it, but half of the things that cause me stress are supposed to be for the purpose of distracting me from how stressful everything is. so. what the fuck am i supposed to do about all that. how am i supposed to live like at all

#vent #this was written very out of order #i don't expect anyone to read this but if you do. 1 sorry 2 are you okay 3 i love you #it feels better to post things than to just write them in a doc yknow??#not sure why. maybe it's the feeling of not being alone with these thoughts ig. or getting some external validation #it did help tho. i feel like i can actually go to sleep now maybe. wow #edit: holy shit i just checked. this took nearly 2 hours to type. wtf. damn guess i really needed that akdkglhlj #btw if you do read this you gotta like this post 🧐 so. i know. bc i like knowing. sorry

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dxwnfxll · 1 year

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Saints row 2 dads (and you're the baby)

*------------Dad Maero-----------* ~Maero doesn't exactly know how to dad, I mean the guy is a literal walking tank he doesn't know how the hell to raise a baby and in the middle of him trying to start a gang? Nah. ~Not many people take him seriously with a little baby strapped on him hell some even laughed at him...Well until he picked up the nearest chair and smashed it over the guys head (and the lil baby just clapping happily..he's proud of that) ~He can def say his baby gets him the girls (and no I don't mean his truck) the lil baby strapped on him has all sorts of girls wrapping themselves around his arm. Who would of guessed a baby would be so helpful? ~That doesn't mean he's exactly protected from the other gangs (or his child) so usually he'll leave his baby with feed dog in a makeshift baby play pen he totally didn't steal. ~He didn't really plan for you to go to school (after all he didn't exactly know your mom was even pregnant so why the hell would he of dropped everything to put you in school? exactly) so he just has anyone in his gang with a high school (or college if he's lucky) Education teach you basic shit you'd need to know. ~No, he doesn't have you tatted up, as much as everyone jokes and would honestly think you have a tattoo somewhere. He hasn't tatted you up main reason is IF his gang fails and he y'know dies..He wants you to be adopted and raised in a better place (and tats aren't exactly gonna make you number one most wanted baby for adoption)

~ Jessica ADORES you, hell she's taken on the role as your mom she loves spending time with you (which is a huge help to Maero) Jessica even makes small jokes here and there about giving you a sibling but that nearly makes Maero have a damn heart attack (after all he doesn't wanna possibly orphan two kids or be stuck like before but with a toddler and a damn baby) ~You like to call Donnie 'Uncle don don' and he fucking loves it. Hell him and Maero even made a deal when worse comes to worse Donnies up for adopting you! So yay! (ig-) ~Maero tries his damn hardest to hide you from other gangs ESPECIALLY from the saints. After all he knows the saints took out the sons of Samedi so..easily he knows the boss is fucking ruthless. He doesn't want any of the other gangs having an advantage that'll literally break him if that said advantage is hurt..or killed. ~Feed dog is a second uncle to you, you've already told him your dream of wanting to become just like him and 'daddy' (which Maero is semi relived and semi on edge of what the hell you could mean. He hopes you just wanna be a tat artist)

~..and that's exactly what you became, after everything was said and done you lost everyone but your uncle Donnie and some photos. You grew up and became a tattoo artist..with a small hussle on the side of course after all like father like daughter *------------Dad Shogo-----------*

~Well weren't you a fucking surprise. Yup those are the words your dad said as soon as he met you. He was completely unsure of what to do with you what do you even eat? ~His father on the other hang somehow knew you existed and immediately wished to meet his grandchild. Of course your dad tried his hardest to try and keep his father away but ultimately, he ended up meeting you and actually for once felt proud (most likely because he felt his son was FINALLY becoming responsible) ~Jyunichi is usually the one that takes care of you (so basically he's your adopted dad now) he usually ends up scolding Shogo for the reckless stuff he does with you ~Like the time Shogo decided he wanted some Father child bonding time and put your car seat on his bike and sped off Jyunichi decided the best punishment for that was to (tattle) tell Shogos dad about the stupid shit he'd been up to. ~Even though Shogo is completely reckless and needs A LOT of child caring classes he actually does care about you and tries his best to protect you. He'll leave about 20 so Ronin to stay with you if he needs to go out (or he'll leave Jyunichi with these 20 so Ronin to protect you) ~If you want or need something he damn well gets it! He also tries his hardest to not be like his dad but sometimes it comes out, when he sees your eyes fill with tears he'll immediately do anything to make them stop it just reminds him of how his childhood was and that's not at all what he wants ~He tries to keep his dad away from you, he doesn't want you to grow up like him. If you end up messing up when his dad is around Shogo will immediately blame anyone else or even himself so you're not subjected to your grandpas harsh words so quickly.

~Shogo honestly would've rather put you up for adoption than let you have to continue the Ronin legacy..I suppose luckily it did end up coming to that as after the Ronin fell you were taken in by Stillwater CPS. You were left in the system for years all because you refused to believe your dad was gone

~When you finally grew up you didn't want revenge for what happened..okay that's a lie you did want revenge, so you ended up helping those who hated the saints and made their life fucking miserable.

*------------Dad Veteran child-----------* ~What.the.fuck. yup those were the words he said to your mom as she dropped you off, She didn't exactly want to abandon you but yeaaahhh you were kinda too much on her free-spirited life of partying and drugs. ~Bro was flabbergasted to be meeting you he knew he prob did have some kids out there, but he never expected to actually meet any of them. ~He won't ever admit it but he did try to take you back, leave you at a fire station, leave you in the park just anywhere away from him he COULDN'T take care of you! But his guilt always got the best of him and he'd end up grabbing you and humming a tune to stop you from crying ~Just like with Maero you def came with perks the ladies loved him! Almost all the time he'd find some girl bending over to coo at you while he's on the phone with the General or Mr. Sunshine. He prob would've taken those girls home but you refused that (oh well at least he got their numbers) ~He also became a more well known DJ with you always in some carrier or a stroller with him (he didn't really trust anyone to take care of you) lots of people ended up making nicknames for you two or jokes like "I guess Veteran child is Veteran dad now huh?" or "Veteran child and his Veteran baby" he totally didn't adopt the nickname Veteran baby for you and he also totally didn't dress you up to look like him at all ~The General and Mr. Sunshine...eeehhh he'd rather they stay away from you he for one doesn't want them to use you as an advantage orrr the creepier possibility they actually like you and he'll have to witness them coo over you (trust him it's a scary look) ~When he ends up dating Shaundi you're a toddler by then, she totes loves you but doesn't exactly understand you're a toddler sometimes. She'll end up putting something violent on the TV for you to watch and Veteran child will have a freak out ~He'll literally cover your eyes with both of his hands and go "Shaundi! What the fuck they're 2?!" She'll just shrug and go "Hey I was raised around that and turned out fine" He'll go visibly pale thinking of you becoming another Shaundi ~He doesn't really worry about dying until Mr. Sunshine and the General threaten him to kidnap Shaundi while he was out looking for music (ofc with you) ~"Yeah, this one's a real banger Y- Holy shit!" After the convo is over, he will literally start crying you're five by that time so you're aware and try to help him the best you can. He'll give you a small smile, but he knows what he has to do now. ~He'll make some calls of course none of his friends want a kid, so he's left with only one other option. He tells Cps some wacky story about his 'neighbor' so that you're taken away by the time he's dead. ~And it happens your dad dies and well you're taken away to a 'better home' Ironically enough when you grow up you become just like him. Except you work for the saints (yes yes you should hate them. But when you finally learned what happened you could only hope your dad doesn't hate you) you end up taking on the nickname he gave you 'Veteran baby' and claim the legacy of Veteran child. Oldies end up really like you at first and soon you're on to becoming one of the best Djs without the fears your dad had *------------Dad Johnny gat-----------*

(this is gonna get sad be ready) ~(adopted)Johnny was the most prepared, why? Well you were his and Aishas they both finally felt maybe it was time to adopt a child and so they adopted you a perfectly healthy baby {gender} ~(not adopted)He can still remember holding you as Aisha laid in the hospital bed resting, You had his eyes Aishas nose you were perfect in every way ~the three of you actually had some great time (Troy purposely led the whole Gat case elsewhere so Johnny could at least hear your first word) you were def one smart baby though ~Sadly Johnny did end up getting arrested while out to get groceries which was horrible for you and Aisha, Eesh didn't know exactly what to do except wear a disguise to go out or ask her sister for help ~Johnny hated everyday in that god damn jail away from you and away from Eesh he already knew he was gonna get death row he was at least thankfully for the visits Troy made to tell him updates on Aisha and you ~and of course Gat never dies! He was saved and brought back home you were about four at the time and immediately rushed to Johnny with your arms out. He picked you up and held you close before introducing you to your 'Auntie Boss' ~Much to Aishas displeasure sometimes Johnny would end up taking you to the saints HQ (Mainly cause Pierce and Shaundi wouldn't quit bitching about meeting you) ~Most of the time when you were at HQ Shaundi and Pierce would end up dressing you up (in oversized clothes) of course Auntie boss would lend some clothes as well. By the time Gat came back to pick you up you had a random strippers cowboy hat on, an oversized purple shirt with a belt around your waist and Shaundi had done your hair in [random hairstyle] ~When you got home tho as much as Aisha thought it was cute she loved to see you in clothes that were for you so she'd end up dressing you up in your own clothes ~When Aisha died it was hard, you had to stay at HQ for almost a whole month without any info about your dad or your mom Auntie boss ended up saving you from some Ronin member that tried to take you ~During your stay Pierce and Shaundi always tried their best to cheer you up and always treaded away from the subject of your parents, one of them was always left to take care of you ~When Johnny got out of the hospital his immediate first thought was to find you and luckily you were just sitting on the couch as some random stripper was paid to do a puppet show for you, When he saw you he rushed over and hugged you happy that you were at least alive ~you were made aware of Aishas death and attended the funeral Auntie boss had to cover your eyes from all the violence ironically enough Johnny didn't want you to see him punch out some guys teeth at such a young age *------------Dad Dane Vogel-----------*

~wowza well aren't you just...something ~He isn't a good guy we all know this nor is he really the best dad. ~he usually keeps you in a little play pen by his desk with some blocks and stuff Jamie picked out ~He has no clue who the hell your mother is he tried to narrow it down but he gave up when you started calling him 'da'

~Jamie is usually the one that takes care of you, watches you and takes photos of you..

~oh yes you read correctly, See Dane may not exactly be the best dad but he loves to have photos of you around his desk and one in his wallet ~He keeps his distance from you though as he just doesn't understand how the hell to be a dad which is ironic since he'll get pissed if anyone assumes you're Jamies kid and he'll correct them with a "ha.uh no I'm Y/ns dad don't we look alike?" He'll act like they're stupid or something ~When you were a baby sometimes he'd go off on little rants and wait for you to 'answer' "so yeah that's my plan whatcha think?" '....baaaaa' . . . . "y'know you are right, first idea it is little soon to be Ceo" ~He never worried a day in his life about dying he always felt something would always save him so when he did end up dying no one really knew what to do with you, So you ended up going for adoption ~Down the line you became the complete opposite of him, you helped people one of you major plans was to get rid of the homeless by making the unhomeless! You sure as hell earned your ticket to heaven. And even though Dane was rotting in hell he couldn't help but cry a bit after the earth had exploded and you weren't down here with him..but he was happy either way.

#saintsrow #saintsrow x reader #saints row #saintsrow2 #saintsrowmaero #saintsrowreader #saints row johnny gat #saintsrowshogo #saints row shogo #saints row maero #saints row dane vogel #saints row veteran child

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sapphicsong · 2 years

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Why try to change me now?

Matt Murdock x Reader

Summary: Matt has always been a giver. That’s who he is. Never once thinking of himself. Until you.

Triggers: Blood, angst ig,

Authors note: HEY YA’LL. So this is my very first fic so pls be gentle. Pls. This is just a dumb little drabble about matty because he deserves to be told he’s loved like omg. Anyways, theres probably spelling mistakes, but whatever, i have a psych degree not an english degree LMAO. slay on baes, hope u like it. Also, to add to the ambience, id listen to “Why try to change me now” specifically by Fiona Apple.

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He knows it hurts you, he can hear your heartbeat quicken when he falls through your apartment window, covered in blood and more or less falling apart at the seams. He can feel the sadness and the worry practically radiating off you in waves as you do your best to stitch up the cuts that never really seemed to close. He hears the silent tears hit the bathroom floor as you wash up. He knows that your resolve breaks down, each time you see him climb through that window, but the truth is, he can’t stop. Not until the city is safe, not until you’re safe. So he gives. He gives every last ounce of strength, every last ounce of fight he has and then a little more. Until he’s run dry, he will always give. That’s just Matt. Even outside the life of a vigilante, matt is still a giver. He offers his head to those who suffer when the law fails them and gives them a chance to try again. Always the martyr. You've visited on late nights when the work he has seems to be never ending. He appreciates the company but tells you that "he'll be ok" and "I’m used to the late nights, sweetheart." You tell him you’ll be waiting by the door when you get home.

And you are. Its 2am and you’re there.

In your pyjama’s, waiting for him. He walks in and shuts the door behind him. Putting his bag and cane on the floor next to the dining table. You get up, without saying a word and press a sweet kiss to his lips, lingering for a second until you look up at him. His forehead finds yours and you two stand there. You don’t need heightened senses to know that he needs the closeness, the feel of your hand on his. Its quiet. A few more seconds of silence and you hear a small “I’m sorry.” muttered.

“What do you have to be sorry for.” you ask. “I’m sorry I hurt you, every-time I climb through that window.” His words, filled with a deep sorrow you’ve never heard out of him before. “Matty..” you say, hoping to draw his attention from his inward battle that never seems to cease. “Its not the blood and the bruises that hurts me.” You say. “God knows I’ve seen worse. What hurts is that you can never seem to take, only give.” He cocks his head slightly, confused by your words. “You give so much to the city, to me. But never for yourself.” You hold his face in your hands, desperate for him to understand how much he deserves the love he gives. “Matthew Murdock, I love you from the deepest parts of me and I need you to know that you deserve the same love you give to me, to everyone.” His face finds the crook of your neck, tears brimming in his eyes. “I don’t care how long it takes. I’ll do whatever I can to make you feel as loved as I do, I promise you.” That all you need to say to him.

And you stand there. You hold him till he knows he’s loved. He’s cared for. It’s been so long since he’s been held with such gentleness, such care that it feels foreign to be held in such a way. The way your hands run through his hair, the way they hold him, ground him to this earth. The spinning in his mind slows. Time seems to stop. All he knows, all he feels is you.

And that’s all he could ever wish for.

#matt murdock #matthew murdock #matt murdock fluff #im in love with this man #marvel give him a happy ending PLEASE #matt murdock angst #daredevil #daredevil fluff #daredevil angst #let him be happy #pls #listen to why try to change me now its got me in my feels #I wrote this while procrastinating my psychology paper sue me #i just love matt murdock #matt murdock comfort fic #matt murdock drabble

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cringelordofchaos · 3 months

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ok thanks @sobeksewerrat now I'm having an existential crisis again lmao,.. (/lh also thanks for making me more self aware again ? )

list of things I do that MAY be associated with ADHD and or autism.

MAY,

I don't know if I have it, in not diagnosed and no one has professionally suggested I might have it.

I made a list to organize all my thoughts and I genuinely hate the fact that I'm oversharing shit online again bc i almost never think of consequences of my actions so idk if ke oversharing is bad or good and shit now I'm anxious.

ANYGAY.

Many of these traits are not exclusive to being neurodivergent at all, I'm aware o just wanted to share my experience

Either way it doesn't really matter. ADHD doesn't really get diagnosed here often. And not many specialize in it. So what do I know

List under the cut (it is probably going to be a bit long)

I possibly stim,

I chew things constantly for example, I used to chew my shirts so much a year or two ago and all my clothes had holes bc of that. It got so bad to the point of my mom buying me a fucking pacifier. I learned how to cope by just biting my tongue or just moving my mouth in general but it sometimes hurts not having anythig to bite. When I was really young, like in elementary school, I would bite and eat my own hair and would of fucking course cough bc of it. It was all an automatic involuntary actions. I also used to bite my arm to the point of it getting red. And would always bite my fingers to the point of them bleeding. I still do this, a lot actually, and it's very visible.,it's automatic and I hate it. It's like, I NEED to bite something right fuckinf now or I can't stay alive no more. It used to be worse, I would chew ANYTHING THAT WAS IN FROMT OF ME. I started a COLLECTION of chewed up pencils. Bc whenever they got near my mouth I would chew them. Which is BADDD IF YOU CAN XONTROL IT PLS DOJT DO THISSSS . I never did this because I was anxious or nervous, I just did it bc... I existed ?? Idk whenever I try to Google it up all the results say it's a sign of anxiety but for me it's just a symptom of existing). Whenever I feel anxious, (for example when I have to pass by a human being when getting to my apartment, and then they greet me and I greet them back but I feel like I did it incorrectly somehow and they hate me and think I'm incompetent/.>.gen), I flap my hands a lot (privately + primarily voluntarily) bc i feel just so much anxiety, I'm sure this is normal though. I also flap my hands a lot when I'm happy too. I do this moreso privately but sometimes it's a bit involuntary. When I'm really happy (usually about a wentoon lmao) I do a little dance and flap my hands and it actually feels pretty involuntary because if I DONT get up instantly and get into action it feels very suffocating. I pace around constantly, when thinking to myself I'll just walk In circle for long, sometimes I will just walk in a circle for literal hours. Usually I will move my hands in a weird motion . I rub my fingers against each other also to the point of visible and obvious injury. I don't know how to stop this. I constantly shake my leg though it's really common in neurotypical ppl so I should probably not be making a big deal out of this. There's probably more. Either way it's ,mostly harming to me lmao. But there's also the good in it ig

Okay actually it might take too long to organize everything and explain my whole life story so erm

I get distracted easily, or it's hard for me to pay attention to things I don't really care about, such as school (or moreso it's education system, since I can get actually pretty interested in private lessons) among other things. It's proven to be quite detrimental to me and my grades, to the point of me requiring multiple private classes to not fail a whole class, overall I'm just pretty much incapable of paying attention to stuff like that, but I'm pretty sure it's normal. And deficits in attention has been proven to be a result of modern day technology addiction among many youngsters, myself included, so I do not view this as necessary proof, especially seeing as I am actually capable of paying attention with good teachers in private lessons covering everything slowly enough. So yeah, essays over I am probably neurorypixal

either way

I get really obsessive over the things I'm interested in, I am not sure if they are hyperfixations but many times they get so genuinely intense they are the only thing I can think about. Genuinely. Once while trying to study history, for example, I just couldn't focus on learning history, not because it was uninteresting but because I was thinking of a fictional relationship (Roblox flicker mason x aadiv) and angst and fluff potential. I tried thinking Abt other things but I COULDNT. Also another short example: I once tried reading a book, and even though I could usually read it I just watched the finale of TMF and I literally could not NOT think about drew. just drew. I would try reading a sentence but then my brain would tell me how much I love drew. Goddamn it. This is a regular occurrence and has been proven to be detrimental to my life regarding it's real of my education. Focus on class? No, I can't, I'm trying to draw a symbol for a fictional religion me and my online friend made up. Focus on studying? No, k can't, I have to watch my favorite YouTuber or no, I can't, I have to daydream about being a YouTuber. These obsessions usually last a few weeks or months or so, so not too long, but usually for at least a week, to the point of it merely being mentioned gets me EXTREMELY hyped up. Sonic was probably my longest obsession, consistently lasting for about a year. If not flamingo (YouTube) who I was obsessed with for two years and based my whole personality off of back in the day. Sleep? No, I can't, I have to research neurodivegence. Hang the clothes? No, I can't, I have to pace around the room and think about the whole entire graspable depth of the relationship between Sean and daisy, as well as Sean's character alone and many implications surrounding his existence. I think y'all get the gist. Oh also I was once obsessed with TOH so much I literally knew so much Abt it and was so obsessed with it and if you gave me a line I could instantly tell you from which episode it was and I HUGELY related to Luz who's canonically neurodivergent and implied to have ADHD. This could all just me being passionate or obsessive thoug

Poor memory; I'm pretty sure this is the case buster, I lose things all the goddamn time it's actually traumatized me ti this point, losing a sharpener will get me having a whole breakdown screaming crying for an hour straight. Forgetting tests n stuff too, or forgetting ti check my to-do list Every . Single. Goddamn time.again this could probably stem from overuse of digital devices and electronics. So.

Oversensitivity to surroundings; aka possible sensory issues. I am pretty sensitive to noise, usually light too and smoke, and while I thought my reactions to surroundings were pretty normal (covering my ears, mouth, or squinting my eyes), upon observation I have noticed others do not do the things I do. Which is odd. How are they not suffering?? Anyway, sometimes I get overwhelmed so I etiehr try to ignore it or I escape. Literally. At times, things are louder and messier and more confusing and irritating. Also for food it's to a lesser degree but *lately* there's this food I forgot what it was called in English and chewing on it feels so utterly disgusting to the point where I'll cry bc the texture is just so extremely horrible and I literally spit it out of my window bc i didn't want my parents to see me not eating it. Bit then again I was able to eat the same food but bought from a different place, idk

Emotional disregulation; this could really just be me being a teenager, with hormones - you know how either you could have "two modes" you either feel like a GOD and everything is AMAZING or EVERYTHING IS HORRIBLE AND YOU WANT TO DIE?? Those extreme emotions?? Well, at least according to my kom, it's a pretty normal process of puberty, so I should probably not pay it much mind. This goes out to my "possible" rsd (I say possible bc like while I'm unsure for being nd, there's no fucking way I don't have rsd...) I get extremely, extremely sensitive when it comes to any form of treatment k get that I could perceive as rejection, and many times I avoid any form of social interactions just for the sake of not being rejected in the slightest. My friend called me stuojd as a joke without tone indicators? I WILL have a breakdown abt it and I WONT communicate it to my friend bc i don't wanna disappoint them or make them feel like it's their fault. I'm really insecure and probably feel this way due to my childhood. Though, feelings of emberassment guilt or rejection sre in most cases common due to natural instincts, y'know, we couldn't have survived without communities, which practically the modern day brain translates rejection = death. Except there's not a real physical threat. Yada yada y'all know Abt this. So I don't think this proves anything, it's just a natural instinct I suppose, though idk if many ppl experience it as often and strongly as I do or if they just never talk about it. Sometimes I will get the lightest criticism ever and I WILL cry Abt it unless it was absolutely clear it was a joke lmao. And I always feel like things are super targeted at me even when they're not. Ive had so much breakdowns over this it's not funny.

Sleep issues: I am writing this as 1 AM is approaching. Need I say more.

Physical hyperactivity: see "stimming" section. I can't exist without moving unless I am asleep.

Mental hyperactivity??: sometimes my brain will be so loud my ears will genuinely hurt, don't ask how this works I actually don't know, it's in a rarer occasion however.

Resting bitch face: I've had people ask me so, so so often if I was sad or okay or ANGRY when I was feeling completely neutral. And they always say how I look angry. But I don't get it. But whatevs. I guess it just comes naturally, idk why. Maybe everyone else has a resting bitch face too and they just never rest idkk

Fuck I'm doing the finger thing rn it hurts so goddamn much

Anyway

Executive dysfunction?? Sometimes I feel like I literally can't physically do stuff and it takes me a ton of effort to get into a shower and I cry each time for reasons unknown. Though ut could just be me being s teenager and yearning for feelings of independence and control bc it's a normal thing for ppl experiencing puberty. But then again I don't see anyone else being like me except my brother who's in elementary school

I have taken online quizzes, I KNOW ITS NOT A RELIABLE SOURCE AT ALL, I just took them to see the results and also bc i wanted to research neurodivegence more and on literally all the quizzes I took over the years, all the time (except once I think) I got "you probably have ADHD". I know it doesn't prove anything and online quizzes don't take ones life context into account but I feel as if it is a BIT worth noting?

Possible meltdowns ?? Idk. I don't want to make it seem like it's a lesser deal than it is bc it's not. But for example once I accidentally left bread crumbs on my bed and my mom got really anxious and started yelling at me a bit and I was crying and covered my ears and started SCREAMING and did not get over it for a while. I frequently experience (like every day or two) periods of time where I am just on the floor or in my bed extremely anxious sad and yelling over the most genuinely minor experiences

*Possible* intrusive thoughts - (TW VIOLENCE) whenever I think of an embarrassing or cringe memory when I feel like I somehow screwed up a tiny bit my mind instantly makes me think of me peeling off the skin off of my head and it bleeding, or my arm being chopped off into two parts. Many times I will look at the window and get anxious thinking what if I just threw my most prized possession through there. Also happened once when my mom was standing in front of it and my mind made me think "what if I yelled and she fell you would be a horrible person wouldn't you". Also I sometimes think of DISGUSTING sexual thoughts and they pop up randomly and I don't like it. Anyway I'm not sure if these r by definition intrusive thoughts but they're involuntary and annoying and correct me if I'm wrong

Comfort item - dude I used to bring this plushie everywhere with me for years until I stopped and just put him in a special place so he wouldn't accidentally get damaged. I literally could not live without holding him. Like some super emotional attachment. Sometimes I talk to him. I also realized that when I wasn't holding something in my hand my hands felt too empty and suddenly I had to move them in weird ways (see stimming section for reference) so maybe that's why

I don't have a special interest (smth I was UTTERLY OBSESSED W MULTIPLE YEARS) so ig that crosses out the possibility of me being autistic

I also constantly hc my fav characters as neurodiverse and hen proceed to self project onto them and I constantly daydream about making YouTube videos Abt the theories of them being neurodiverse. Idk why I brought this up

Weird (emotional) empathy ? If someone is crying in front of me I'll probably feel genuinely nothing but anxious bc i WANT to help them feel better but idk how to and other times I get super empathetic with fictional characters or people seen on screen. Idk why I feel like a terrible person for this sometimes. I'll also feel bad for Minecraft trees and having to cut them but that's sympathy not empathy. As for cognitive empathy though it's pretty normal and my mom has noted I'm pretty good at it ?

Genetics: my sister is probably questioning it and sorts acts like it and goes to a psychologist, my mom has said she thinks she might have ADHD once out loud, my brother also watches some YouTube videos Abt ADHD and has been to a psychologist once, none are diagnosed but many speculate it, coincidence? Unsure

That's all I can think of for now

Bye

God why did I post this erughhhhh

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rosewaterdiaries · 7 months

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life is so f weird lately; hate feeling like a stranger in my own house although my parents say it's their house so ig i'm technically homeless. anyways... i hate feeling like i'm making a victim of myself but like?? i always try to make things right? and yeah sure i do get mad but that's not a bad thing; that's a humane thing; and i changed so much of my bad behaviour that my family doesn't seem to know what else to pick on; and somehow it feels worse than before because at least before i could always question what i did wrong and get a sense of hope that not having done that thing i wouldn't get treated this way, that without having done that i'm a good person that deserves love; but now that i'm so passive in our fights and still get treated awfully it hurts more, bc it means it's not my actions but me - the person that i am; and it also feels frightening bc that means it's out of my control. that's why i constantly feel like i'm walking on eggshells; i don't know the rules bc there in fact are no rules, just cruelty and spite. so awful. i don't understand how one is able to live like that bc whenever someone accuses me of hurting them i always reflect on it and always do my best to change where applicable... i feel so lonely. maybe someday i won't be. but it feels so far away. i don't understand why it has to be this hard or how to achieve it. i'm scared that if i go out and leave my family i won't find anyone and/or i'll fail - and then what? it seems like there'd be no one to save me. maybe it's bc of some things i've been told since childhood, about one only having family and not to rely on friends... i constantly fear regret and treating people poorly when every moment can be our last, while some people don't seem to mind it, surprisingly, my family seem to be this way, i don't get it, how come they don't appreciate each moment we have with each other alive. also - just for purely technical reasons - that they don't see that their mean and abusive approach towards every problem doesn't work; for that reason i can't wait to move out and for them to realize that i'm not the source of their problems - maybe then, finally, they'll be able to digg deeper although that sounds a bit like fiction atm.

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foursdarkdays · 7 months

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About me?

Honestly idk why i suddenly thought about writing all this here but ig maybe??? i could find the root causes of my mental health? idk

Sooo umm It all started when i was 11, back in 2011 when my Mom's father kicked us out basically. I dont really have a father, i mean i do but hes not really there. My mother married him out of family pressure and that didnt end well. He had severe anger issues and was always jealous that my mom earned more than him. male ego ew. He wanted mom to leave her job and be a houswife with a lot of restrictions but thankfully my mom stood up for herself and they were living seperately. They never lived together tbh. my father was from another city and my mom didnt move there due to obvious reasons. so anyway yeah back to the story. So when we were basically homeless, we rented a house . glad my house had a good gov job so we could afford it. It was during summer holidays right after my 6th grade when everything started affecting me mentally. I would stay home alone all day, no tv , no phone , no colony friends it was very lonely. Weird thoughts kept coming in my mind it was a devils house lmaoo. Plus the family fights and stuff were taking a huge toll on me. I didnt share this with my school friends back then prolly because i was embarrassed or because i didn't find the need to? I did'nt know how to behave with people. i started getting aggressive about a lot of things and my friends left me for that. Later i realised and apologized for my behavior and got them back.

anyway so back when i was in my grandfathers house, we were a joint family0. my grandmother, granfather, mother and her brother and sister and i. There were fights almost everyday but later when my aunt and mama got married the fights got more intense. i used to run up to the terrace to avoid all the shouting. I think thats one of the reaons why i get so worked up when i hear people yelling. trauma?.

anywayyyy so everything started effecting my studies and my acadmeics went to hell. i love my mom but back then she'd say all these mean things to me like "Why were you even born" "you're so useless" honestly i dont remember now but yeah that also affected me a lot mentally that i started self harming. It was out of curiosity at first but then i got addicted. The physical pain made the mental pain feel less. I self harmed almost everyday. it was like a drug to me. When my friends found out about it because i used to cut my hand like the whole hand, i started cutting my leg, It hurt a lot, sometimes i couldnt even walk. i just wish id bleed to death or something. Family and bad academics made everything worse. and as a cherry on top, something happened in school. Everyone thought i was a liar and it was like everywhere i went, people spoke bad about me that i dreaded going to school. Anyway this self harming continued till 2016 November ig? (i started in 2013) i self harmed in the hostel as well lol until.. until my ex best friend cum my roommate tried to end her life. It was scary. She left school but i kept thinking about it. Somehow that made me stop trying to kill myself for a while and completely stop self harming. I used to have a lot of anxiety attacks without knowing they were anxiety attacks.

anyway this even worsened during my bachelors. My depression and anxiety got very severe. Not just mentally but also physically. The chest pains, the body pains, the nausea and fatigue, the constant tiredness and fear. I completely failed academics which in return increased my anxiety. I felt so hopeless and useless beacuse i was good at nothing. It took me 5 years to graduate a 4-year bachelors degree with 34 backlogs and numerous failed suicide attempts. i wasnt even that brave to hang myself or jump off but but it was mostly over doing my anti-depressants. oh yeah i went tp therapy, that guy saw my self hard scars and told my mom. fuck. anyway mom was worried. also i'm glad she never told me anything about my academics she never made me feel like a failure im very glad. Shes always encouraging. I feel selfish that i tried to end myself when im the only one left for mom but i couldnt and cant help it. Im sorry mom you obviously deserve a better kid. A much better kid. So ummm yeah after graduating and leaving therapy because the meds werent working i started feeling a bit better? the anxiety and depression went down or maybe i just learned how to live with it. it was already 2022 which means 11 years of depression. i think anxiety came along in 2016? honestly idk but ik i started treating it as a part of me, i accepted it and it did help me. It doesnt effect my daily routine because ive learnt to live with it.

anyway so about my father, he kept visiting from time to time. at first it was every month, then it became once in 2 , 3 ,4 ,5 . Its not like he cared. He never helped us emotionally or financially, Even when my mom was hospitalised and had a surgery in 2013, he didnt come to see. He only visited when he wanted to. My mom went througha lot because society talks yk? she basically a single mom and its hard to live in this stupid country like that. People talk shit about you. Anyway it took me 16 years to realise that my "father" never really cared. I started despising him and even his presence (once in a year) gave me the icks. His family also always spoke bad about my mother including himself ig. I didnt know how to asnwer people when they asked about him. okay so anyway he came home last year (2022) and i had to kick him out because it was becoming suffocating for me and mom. mostly mom so i did it for her. I said some rude things to him so that he wont come again and trust me i feel shit but yeah he deserved. And he came home on my bday early this year (jan). I still remember the way my heart dropped seeing him.I hate birthdsys because of this. I had to kick him out again. Again people talk. No one sees his mistakes , how he never called or gave a fuck about us. they only see how we kicked him out. I hate him . and then later i got to know that he also tried to ummm hchoke my mom back in 2003? when we went to visit him. I was there. i have a vivid image in my head that i can never forget. Theres also some secret that my mom and grandfather are keeping from me. idk if ill ever know about it . He prolly has another family maybe? idk p maybe its something worse. anyway thanks to him i cant look at any other man without thinking of him now.

yeah so now back to me. I ruined my life. idk if it can repaired. I'm trying to do my masters. I have applied to some collges in australia and one of them rejected me. my cgpa is 6.2 and i have 34 backlogs with no work exp so its hard, All i want to do is die because i cannot take this anymore. I dont try to kill myself anymore but i wish i could.

All of my friends have jobs or are doing their masters. what am i doing? i know i ahouldnt compare myself but do you think its easy? Everyone out there is indepedant already and im nothing? Its very embarassing and hard. The time is ticking like a time bomb and im terrified.

i need to get away from this place. I need to heal and i just need anothee chance from life where i could repair myself and move forward. I will never be able to move on if im here. There's a lot of pain and trauma here. ISTG if it doesnt work out, i might really do something to myself, i will shut myslef comepletely and just wait till i die.

ill add more things if i remember, now i have cramps on my fingers bye

#depression #anxitey #writing #lonely nights

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daegall · 3 years

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Not just a duty

pairing: bodyguard! hyuck x reader

genre: angst, hurt comfort, eventual fluff ig?, slight mafia! AU (its just mentioned that the family is part of the mafia idk)

warnings: bruises, mentions of fights?

word count: 878 words

a/n: i got this idea while playing genshin???? what the fuck?????

networks: @neoturtles @knet-bakery @kokonomi @twozeronet

Donghyuck presses your cheek lightly with the ice pack in his hand, a small disappointed from painting his face at all the purple and blue bruises that paint your own. You know he's upset at you, he always is when you do things like this.

"You shouldn't have done that."

You sigh at the first complaint he mutters bitterly, glancing down to stare at your swinging bare feet, you had thrown your shoes somewhere after you left the dinner party.

That goddamned boring dinner party. Why couldn't your father stop being all business and mafia and just listen to you for once?

"...I know."

It was your fault the fight had started, after all. You knew there were so many men going out for your family, and yet you managed to come across one, and even worse, you fought him instead of fleeing.

Fortunately, Donghyuck had taught you some basic self defense skills, and even some combat, so you could take the man. But when he called for reinforcements, that's where you got in trouble. You weren't even in your right gear, just running off in your fancy attire.

And even more fortunate, Donghyuck came just in time to save you. The menacing look in his eyes as he took each of the men scared you every time, no matter how many times you've seen it.

Sometimes, when you find the look in your eyes you think he doesn't want to protect you, and that he's just doing it so your father doesn't kill him off when he fails and gets you killed.

But, that's not too likely, you've bonded the past few months. Though, they do say to keep your enemies close.

The whole walk back to your house, and even to your bathroom, no words were shared, not even eye contact. You only glanced at him from time to time, and the only time you locked eyes was when you finally let him clean you up after a small banter.

"Miss Y/n-"

"Don't call me that."

Your once vulnerable and guilty tone was gone, hurt laced in it as you spat out your words.

You hated it when he called you that.

It's like all the nights of bonding, all the secret sleepovers, comfortable conversations and even nights of comforting each other were nonexistent. You hated it so much.

"Does it hurt anywhere else, miss Y/n?" Donghyuck says in a much firmer tone, staring into your eyes with a certain hardness in them, harsh. You sigh with a (not so) subtle glare at him, shaking your head.

He nods, saying no more words, and simply tending to your few cuts on your chin. Moments of silence in the spacious bathroom, occasional cheers and sounds of chatting and glass clinking together resonating from outside the door.

No thoughts were shared, not even looks, but there's a certain atmosphere that says everything.

I want to fight my enemies.

That is my job. Not yours.

"Why did you do it?"

For the first time in minutes, words cut through the thick atmosphere and echo in the bathroom, and your eyes even lock. This time, he has a much softer look, tenderly and genuinely curious of why you did what you did.

Your eyes fail to keep up with his, growing shy and falling to the small constellation of beauty marks on his cheeks. His sunkissed skin is beautiful, it always breaks you when you see them red and blue because of you. "I want to fight for myself."

"You know you can't-"

"But I want to! They're my own fights, Haech-"

"Don't call me that!"

"Don't call me 'miss Y/n'!"

Your eyes finally lock with his, and instead of cowering from his intense gaze, you stare back with burning eyes as well. You can see the way he grinds his teeth together and try not to lash out on you, but really, you really really want him to.

"They're my fights, Hyuck."

Donghyuck's heartstrings shake, very affected from the nick name you call him. HIs gaze very obviously shakes from your words, and the sight of tears starting to glaze over your eyes he loves oh so much. "You don't have to protect me all the time,"

"I love you, Y/n! It's not just my duty to protect you, I want- I need to keep you safe from them,"

Donghyuck's eyes shut tight as the sentimental words leave his mouth after staying on his mind for so long. He brings his hand down from your cheek, knowing that if he felt your bruised skin against his any more, he would break down.

Your palm is suddenly cupping his cheek, startling him a little bit, before he melts into your touch. You lean down to press your forehead softly against his, your whisper close to his nose and cheek.

"I love you too, but I can't stand seeing you constantly getting hurt because of me."

Tears falling on your cheeks, your fingers gently wiping off Donghyuck's own from his face, your heart aches. It aches as you know that you will have to leave Donghyuck to protect you, but it aches more knowing he wants to protect you, and he's not doing it just to satisfy your father. It reassures you that you're not just a duty.

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jackrrabbit · 4 years

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Bloodlust /// Sanemi x f!Reader (18+)

Summary: A naive demon is waylaid by the Wind Hashira.

A/N: Might fuck around and get back into KNY…Sanemi is one mean bastard, and I’m here for it. Be warned—this is pretty brutal (not by canon standards, but still). ngl I’ve missed writing stuff like this 🥺

Tags/warnings: sadomasochism, noncon, hatefucking!!!! is def the best way to describe what happens in this fic, threats, violence, demon reader & demon things, primal, degradation, outdoor sex, bloodplay & marechi kink stuff, yandere? obsessive fixation ig, some creative liberties have been taken with canon

You’d almost forgotten what it feels like to be weak.

Strength came with the territory when you were turned into a demon, along with the hunger: all-encompassing, oppressive, like you’re starving every second you’re not eating. Apparently you’re better able to control your hunger than other demons, not that you’ve met many—none, actually, other than the one who turned you. He was the one who told you to exercise control, who told you that you’ve done well to stealthily pick off prey that wouldn’t be missed instead of attracting attention. He was the one who told you about demon slayers.

You almost laughed at the idea at the time. A group of humans who tried to resist demons? Tried to kill them? How? Every human you’ve encountered since you were turned—hunters, mostly, men who’d wandered into the woods looking for something to eat—has been pathetically weak against you. Life as a demon is simple. As long as you stay in the shadows and avoid the sun, you have nothing to fear.

Sometimes you daydream about making your way to a village and gorging yourself, but you don’t mind the hunger so much. You can get by on scraps. And besides, the demon who turned you warned you not to go overboard. He said to stay away from the humans’ notice—not that the threat of some human calling themselves a “demon slayer” bothered you. You know how strong you are; you can feel it in your blood, your muscles, your bones. You don’t understand how a flesh-and-blood human could threaten that.

You don’t understand…until you meet him. The Wind Hashira. You should’ve listened to the warnings about demon slayers.

Bitter.

It tastes bitter, and you try to ground yourself on that taste, the sharp, bitter-wet flavor of the grass and dew and earth because the slayer is shoving your face into the dirt and the copper from where you’re biting into your lip and holding back the sound of your voice. Not that he cares, probably. But you don’t think you could take hearing yourself moan for a human while he carves the shape of his cock into your pussy.

How did you…get here? Facedown, barely holding yourself up on your elbows, chest and stomach shoved into the grass with your back arched up and your kimono ridden above your hips… Fuck, you can barely remember the fight, his ability, him wrestling you into the earth and shoving his weight down on you and bringing his blade to his own arm and—

—his blood, so rich and thick and sweet that even recalling the smell of it sends a wave of heat through you and you whine under your breath. The hunger overtakes everything else you’re feeling, but only for a second before with a twitch of his hand the Hashira brings the edge of his sword to the tender skin of your throat. “Ah-ah,” he rasps out a laugh even though his voice is heavy and strained. “What was that? Are you starting to like it?”

“K-Kill you, I’ll—kill you,” you snarl, but you and him both know the threat is empty. You tried. And you failed.

“Fucking demon whore,” he spits, and the blade slips just enough to draw a hair-thin line of red across your neck, earning a yelp from you even though you don’t dare move any more for fear of letting it cut you deeper. When you go still, he grunts and you can hear him shifting position in the grass, angling your hips up so his cock can sink in again. “Asking for it…fuck…”

“I wasn’t—nngh—ah, ahhh, s-stop—you can’t—” Your words are coming out in babbles, barely intelligible but it’s his fault. He’s pushing up at your womb, pulling out in short, quick thrusts and slamming his cock back into your cunt so hard and rough it’s like he’s knocking the breath out of your lungs. It hurts, ithurtsithurtsithurts, an ache deep in your core and accompanied with a heat and tension that you hate even more than you hate the pain, because it means he’s right. You—no, your body, your traitorous pathetic weak body that submitted to his so easily—it’s starting to like this.

“How’s it feel?” He’s mocking you, fisting his fingers in your hair and wrenching your head back so he can look you in the eye. “Does it hurt?…it hurts, right? Good.”

“—i-it doesn’t—“ You don’t even believe it yourself.

“Yes…it does. Guess even a demon bitch like you can’t take me that easily.” Somehow the slayer’s hips keep pumping deeper, pushing his fat cock through your walls and against the entrance to your womb until you’re certain your unnatural healing can’t keep up with the bruising in your cunt. Your fingers are scrabbling in the grass, digging clawed nails into the earth—the little nick on your throat has already knitted itself back up, but the tension in your pussy is a dozen—a hundred—times worse.

“—stop, let me go—“ Debased. Lower than an animal. You’d be begging if you thought he would listen.

“‘Stop’? How are you going to...ungh, make me stop? Want to try to fight me off again?” He pulls out (you hate the way your cunt feels when he does, hot and slick and empty) and his grip on the sword slackens, easing up enough to give you a scanty inch of movement. “Go ahead, give it a try.”

The slayer’s taunting you—just like you taunted him at the start of this, when you first challenged him, when you thought he was a human—and, and somehow he is, still human and yet just as much a monster as you are. More. You’ve been cruel, you’ve done evil things, but you did them to survive. Fuck, you shouldn’t—shouldn’t have taunted him, shouldn’t have boasted, should’ve stayed hidden in the dark. You didn’t know. He wasn’t supposed to be this strong.

Your muscles are shaking from exertion as you brace your hands against the ground, trying to push up against the weight of his body so you can right yourself, but it’s futile. Within a second (less than a second) of your attempt to move, one of his scarred hands slaps over your wrist and crushes it back into the dirt, grip so tight you swear you can almost feel your bones grinding underneath. You snarl, try to twist yourself away from him but the hilt of his sword slams down flat against your other hand so hard you feel a dull pang of surprise that nothing actually breaks.

“So weak…try that again and I’ll use the sharp end.” His chest is moving back on top of yours, and you recognize the silent rhythm of the movement.

He’s laughing at you.

Weak. You know it’s true. You thought you were so strong, but compared to this Hashira you’re nothing. Pure unadulterated defeat is written in every cell of your body, and whatever animal instinct you have left from your human life is telling you to roll over and accept that he’s the predator, and you’re nothing more than prey. But the mockery, the ease with which he holds you down, the goddamn fucking laughter sparks a fresh wave of hatred and you thrash and squirm underneath his body. “You’re dead, you—I’ll kill you, I’ll tear you apart, they’ll be picking bits of you out of this forest for weeks—“

The red haze over your vision is so heavy that you barely notice the blade tilting into position—not over your skin, but against his. You only register what he’s doing when the glint of sunlight on the blade reflects brilliant white, and you catch a scarlet line of blood beading against it. You pull back, eyes going wide, trying not to inhale but your lungs betray you and,

oh ohhh fuck it smells good smells so good you want it you want it so fucking bad you’re going to die if you can’t taste it you need it you need it you NEED IT.

Your muscles go slack. You’re salivating already, dizzy from hunger, so intensely focused on the smell of his blood that you can’t help your compliance as he pulls your hips up into place and slips his cock back into your pussy. Only when it starts to hurt again—a dull soreness now, because he’s slowed his pace to push his thick shaft into you inch by inch—do you feel that same prickle of hatred and disgust, but who cares who cares that you’re getting fucked because the smell of his blood is driving you out of your mind with need.

You no longer have the self-control to hold back your voice, and when the slayer hears the pathetic little mewl dripping out of your mouth from the sensation of him filling you up, he laughs again. But this time you don’t care, you just want him, want his body, his blood. Your jaw snaps open and shut on instinct and you whine, pleading, because you’re past the point of believing that you can beat him.

“You like that? Want to taste?” His voice is softer now, but the vein of mockery still runs clear through every syllable.

Your head jerks up and down desperately and then he draws his hips back and slaps his cock between your aching walls, pushing a huffed “uhhn!” out of your lips—but you don’t pull away. You can tolerate this, if it means getting to taste that blood dripping down his fingers, over the sword grip still held in his palm, just to be wasted on the grass. Out of your reach.

“So docile now…think I could get used to this,” the slayer sighs, adjusting the position of his thighs so he can thrust into you lazily and deeply. “F-Fuck, you’re—tight, you know that? All hot and sticky inside…”

“—let me have it, need it I need it, why—“ Your head is spinning, feels like you’re…what? The intoxication is hitting some note deep in the recesses of your memory, a past life you aren’t supposed to be able to recall. Bitter taste on your tongue, liquid pouring, fuzzy edges bordering your vision. Drunkenness.

“Little demon bitch,” he growls, tapping the blade lightly against your neck when you snap your teeth at him again. “Said you were going to kill me, yeah? But now you’re moaning like a whore…”

You try to muster a denial, but you can’t.

The slayer’s other hand twists underneath the two of you to press up on your lower belly, pushing into the place where his cock is nudging up against your womb. You keen at the pressure, the slow friction against that little patch in your cunt that makes you slicker every time his cockhead passes over it. “Feel how deep I am in your cunt…? I can—feel your pulse on my cock, fuck.”

You can feel it too, your heartbeat echoed in the twitches of your pussy around his skin, quick and fluttering from the drunken stupor his blood has forced you into. Every sense is heightened, and the weight of his hand pushing up on your belly just makes it worse…or better. You’re not sure.

He swallows, and with his body on top of yours you can feel his heavy breathing puffing out over the bared skin of your neck. “Can demons even cum? If you can get wet, then you can cum too, right? I bet I can…bet I can make you cum, you fucking whore. Wouldn’t that be nice…get you creaming on my cock, make you my little fuckpet…”

His hand slips down from your belly to rub roughly at your cunt, pushing into your skin to seek out the little button at the top—and the feeling of his hands on you like this, the sharp jolt of pleasure somehow sends a splinter of clarity through your delirium. “No,” you wail, hearing how wanton you sound and hating it. “I can’t I can’t, please, please don’t make me—“

“Quiet.” His thick forearm wraps around your neck, tightening against your windpipe and cutting off your voice. “Learn your place, demon—the only reason you’re alive is because you’re a nice wet hole for me to use. So when I tell you to cum—“

His pace picks up, hips knocking yours deeper, splitting you apart while he swirls his fingers around that sweet spot—and then the smell of copper gets thicker and he’s pushing his bloody hand against your mouth—

“—you cum.”

You’re not sure whether it’s your cunt or the taste of his blood smearing over your lips that does it, but as soon as he says the word you shatter like glass. The heat is brutal horrible delicious and so overwhelming you’re surprised you’re conscious through it—every hair is standing up on end and your body pulls tight like a bowstring, arching your backside into his hips so you can feel every inch of your cunt sucking around him.

It’s bliss—sickeningly sweet, burning like fire through you—without thinking, you eagerly lick the scarlet liquid off his hand and fuck somehow, somehow, it tastes even better than it smelled—feels like you could live off just the blood in your mouth but you want more, you’d die for it, you’d do anything, and your teeth are bared ready to puncture his skin deeper when—

Cold steel slides up under your jaw, almost nicking one of the veins pumping blood up to your hazy brain. “Keep—ahh, yesss…d-damn it—keep still,” the slayer rasps. “No teeth.”

He’s not finished.

Every muscle in your body aches for you to ignore him, but the knowledge of how easily he could separate your head from your body makes you obey, dragging your tongue over his still-bleeding cut instead of biting down. You can hear the noises of damp skin against skin issuing out from where your bodies meet, but you’re not sure whether it’s from you lapping at his fingers or his cock pressing in and out of your sopping-wet cunt. Probably both. Not that it matters.

The slayer’s head lowers—you know it by the angle of his cock inside your twitching pussy and the faint tickle of his hair brushing against the skin of your neck—and then you feel his teeth sinking into the side of your throat. They’re blunt, of course, as harmless as any human’s, but the primal dominance of the action sends a shudder through you.

“Not bad…looks like demons are good for something after all. I think I might just keep you,” the slayer laughs. His voice is too close—you want to flinch back, spit at him, bite—but you can’t. You’re helpless.

You’re weak.

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allaganexarch · 2 years

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@menzosarres apparently i desperately wanted to talk about this so akjsndkjasnd thg reread reactions under the cut

like—I started rewatching the movies bc I had a desire to revisit the franchise, but quickly realized what I actually wanted was the books I was just being lazy lol. I never had any great love for the movies, but the first two are okay--I’ve never seen the last movie because I couldn’t get past the *katniss hysterically screaming peeta’s name for 45 uninterrupted minutes* section. Generally there’s a lot of screaming and hysteria in the movies, where in the books there’s a huge emphasis for Katniss on not showing anyone how hurt/upset she is, and it makes the moments when she does break down much more impactful.

the writing style is very particular? which is interesting. idk how to really describe it except to compare it to a few bad knockoffs I read (i’ve read SO many knockoffs if you like formulaic ya dystopia hit me UP) that tried to copy it but infinitely worse, because there are some odd word/phrasing choices that work fine in thg but the knockoffs completely botched. You will def feel that you are reading a YA novel sometimes.

general story holds up really well so far, but I’m only halfway through the second one, and I remember a lot of mockingjay being unpleasant to read for multiple reasons. it still bothers me a lot how much the narrative puts peeta on a pedestal, often to the detriment of showing compassion to katniss; I think I’d like him better if anyone were allowed to dislike him or point out his flaws. the movies made him a lot nicer which I think might be part of why there are so many rabid shippers in the tags now? a few years back it felt like there was more of a mix of ppl who did and didn’t like peeta.

also on this point ig the author was like PEETA AND GALE ARE A METAPHOR and that setup is v clear to me already where I am now, where I think the obvious deterioration of their character arcs into pure metaphor didn’t hit me before until mockingjay. From my perspective at least currently it’s weird that she’s trying to set up a metaphorical contrast between them as there’s no clear delineation between how violent/peaceful/willing to rebel Gale and Peeta are. Oh and this is weird—in the movies Peeta says something like “if you die I won’t have anyone left that I love” and in the books he’s like “yo I have friends and family too that will be just as dead as yours if we fail [to convince ppl we’re in love]” which was an odd change to make I think lol.

A lot has been said about how that whole thing turns out and I’ll reserve judgement until I reread it but it’s just a shame that the author seems to abandon all this excellent showing of how these people process their grief and trauma in favour of the peeta metaphor, like idk how to tell you that katniss is never going to move on from what she’s experienced if she’s forced to raise children she didn’t want with the boy she didn’t choose in the bombed-out remains of her home where the only ppl she cared about are dead or gone, but yeah sure choosing peeta is choosing life and peace over war and violence. I’m more of a Gale fan in terms of the love triangle bc Katniss actually shows real interest in and camaraderie with him that isn’t motivated by ptsd, but I think a much better epilogue would have been letting Katniss rebuild her life and have some real peace and security before she even thinks about romance, as she repeatedly states she needs in the books.

SO much of the best stuff is left out especially of the second movie I feel, esp with the other victors, and I had completely forgotten the detail that Haymitch won the year of the last quarter quell when there were twice the number of tributes. I also think the part about them training like careers before the reaping is really important and idk why they left that out of the movie—it’s the reason their strategy is so different, eg. going for the cornucopia and basically becoming the dominant alliance when the game starts.

idk clearly I still have a lot of feelings about this series, and it’s a shame that when I went looking for some good meta posts all I found was pro-peeta/katniss drivel and sort of weird broad strokes designations about what this or that element of the book represented with no real nuance or evidence cited. maybe a solid feminist analysis of thg is too much to hope for in this hell world, but I feel there’s a lot to say there, and I used to love reading breakdowns esp of the love triangle metaphor—I’m a simple idiot and love a good stupid love triangle you see LOL.

but overall I’m very much enjoying rereading it and would recommend! it’s a pretty quick/easy read with cliffhanger chapter endings to keep you interested--if you do end up revisiting it would be VERY interested to hear your thoughts!

#personal

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uno-writing · 2 years

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How much would the main cast study/care about a test--From small class tests to fuck all the other grades you've gotten exams. Ooh, How would they cope w stress from school.

If it were a normal highschool, how would each of them react to drama, from petty to serious stuff in their friend grp. You can do a different post for this ig since it's technically an AU. (I feel like ppl from different levels don't talk about drama as much in Wellston, bc of the social structure. not everyone is really even allowed to be involved or care, and spreading gossip counts as caring ig. Lol mustn't doesn't blow up the way it does in my school (or urs when u were in highschool, I think?))

Hope ur getting sleep now, and stay hydrated! Unfortunately my night owl tendencies have kicked in as well so we can be sleep deprived together

Stay sweet berri, u never fail to make me smile.

- Boba anon 🧋

I am!! My insomnia finally went away last night!! Woo!!! It was me finally hitting 500 posts that cured it lmao But I’m still naturally a night owl so I can still be sleep deprived with you😁 Thank you🥺 Stay sweet as well, Boba Anon <3 <3 (also i just kept this in one post bc the first paragraph i’ve p much already done in parts so they’re linked below ;D)

Main Cast w/Finals - Main Cast doing Homework - Main Cast Dealing w/ School Stress - Main Cast in Clubs and Such (just bc I decided to link all of the main cast school stuff lol)

While I think they didn’t talk among the levels (it’s probs a lil better now w/ Safe House), I still think gossip spread fast. For example, I didn’t really talk to anyone outside of my tiny group of friends, especially not the more ‘popular’ kids but I still knew all of the beef just bc I overhead a lot of stuff or my more sociable friends would talk about it. Plus I don’t think Wellston students know how to whisper. Like damn, for them to be so scared of John they talk shit about him so loud🍿🥤🍭🍬🍫🧋🥨🥬🍦🍧🧊

*I think they’d all be gossiped about equally since they’re the big 6 at the school

*Bc of this they’re all p used to it, at least the petty gossip

*If it’s petty and about…

*Seraphina - It’s not really addressed. If she thinks it’s funny she’ll bring it up, but other than that she doesn’t care

*John - He gets such a kick out of all of the stupid crap. If it’s really stupid rumors he’ll actually do them (as long as they’re not something serious or whatever)

*Arlo - He’s not really bothered by it, he’s grown to block it out. The others don’t acknowlege it as well unless it’s really stupid, except John of course. He makes sure Arlo at least knows about every stupid thing of gossip about him

*Remi - She’s really confused by the petty drama, just bc what’s the point?? She doesn’t really care tho

*Blyke - He’s fine with it but gets annoyed quickly if everyone keeps talking about it

*Isen - He’s a mix of not caring and finding it hilarious

*If it’s serious and about…

*Seraphina - Again, it’s not addressed unless it need to be. She’d prefer not to feed into the rumors/drama bc that’ll just make it worse

*John - I think he gets kinda defensive, a bit snippy with everyone so main cast probably only addresses it briefly depending on what it is

*Arlo - He gets annoyed. Probably the one time John knows how to take a hint and not keep bringing it up

*Remi - I think she’d be kinda hurt that someone made up serious rumors about her but she’d try her best to ignore it

*Blyke - Grumpy boi. He’d be fine for a bit but then it starts to get to him

*Isen - Would probably try to avoid talking about it. He doesn’t wanna deal with it, he just wants to wait for things to blow over

#unordinary #unordinary seraphina #unordinary john #unordinary arlo #unordinary remi #unordinary blyke #unordinary isen #unordinary headcanon #berriwords #bobaanon

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thisdreamplace · 3 years

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ashamed to say the 3D reflects our true inner reality, yes? my ENTIRE family has turned against me, after some atrocious conflicts in which they all ganged up on me nd judged me, name-calling, very hurtful things too, provoked me. i been dealing with some serious mental uh 'issues' on my own nd when this happend i was already on the verge of a breakdown nd the good news is while the conflict happened i kept telling myself theyre only reflecting me u can get thru it etc. Later i looked at the hard facts nd realised some of the hurtful things they said were my deep secret feelings abt myself. BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people? confronting one person vs whole family, why?! i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?

Part 2 is simply its been a week and theyve still been cold towards me as if I yelled AT THEM ABT THEIR PAINFUL 'tRuThS' in front of EVERYONE LMAOOO. At first if i was around we'd have dinner together while they'd all talk to each other like best friends aka sickeningly overly friendly while completely IGNORING me while i sat there. i could tolerate it. I WAS PISSED AT THEM TOO Now its too painful. They're having dinner without telling me, yesterday didnt leave enough food for me knowing i hadnt eaten, serve tea/snacks without my portion. i honestly feel so unspeakably trigered nd sad. worst is these things r reminding me of deep school memories when id feel excluded like this by other kids at parties or class activities nd its like im back there. anyway im glad i controled myself a bit nd didnt counter with horrid things abt them to THEM yet they think they can say the same to me. im so hurt rn i cant even tell u lol i was okay the whole week but now its too much,, ive been crying the whole day

thing is, ik this seems like 'im a victim oh noooo they ganged up on meee'. Nope its more like how do i change myself to change them?! u could say why not talk to them how they made u feel, except whenever ive defended myself in the past regarding hurtful things they/anyone in family did, the siblings/parents would say irritating things like: "oh so YOU'RE the one hurt? Oh thats right, its because YOU'RE right! yes, yes, you're always right. Forgive me for saying anything against the perfect person u are." Or one of them says: "You?! I hurt YOU? What about me? You don't care about me! So you think what ur doing is okay?" or "no, who do YOU think u are to tell ME what to do?" it just goes in circles like this! i dont deserve to hurt myself or do smth to myself even if they dont give a damn, even if years of silent suffering of the 'mEntAL pRoBlEms' (which my lovely parents have already told me is my fault years ago, hence why I NEVER show it to them, unless im crying too much then lol they just mock me, but idc abt THAT bcoz now ik i hav a right to let out my emotions)). i mean this is worse rjan usual. its kinda insane nd when guests come they start talking to me as if nothing's wrong then when they leave, they ignore me!

this whole twisted dynamics, feelijf left out nd helpless is ig some crazy assumptin from childhood of being alone nd unable to defend myself. plus when they argye with anyone, they become overly self-righteous nd over the years its clear they can only scream, blame the scapegoat and never talk abt serious matter like normal ppl. And yes, in the past when i bring this up, they like to reply with stuff like: "no YOU'RE the one who doesnt talk to US bla bla" like, when i do u just shut me down? have belittled my mental 'issues', mocked me when im at my worst, stabbed me with cruel silent treatments nd thinking its alright "bcoz of self-righteousness blegh". Or maybe i think its okay for them to punish me? or whatev? Like law says u get what u r. if these ~~~ keep doing this to me, im doubly ashamed to say this means im the one at fault?! i let this monster assunptin grow nd now idk what to do. the worst thing imo is how i failed to tell them,even if they ignored me in the past, how i feel when anything like this or a conflict happens nd none of them stand up for me, or at least are neutral to me. bcoz now if i do, they say nope, u dont care what we do, YOUR the shameless one :! so yeah they hav the advantage of 'numbwrs' while im too afraid to stand up for myself lol. btw they never apologize nd i suspect they expect ME to apologize to TYEM bcoz everything's already ruined bcoz of 'me'..... i give up on them, i really do, but my heart hurts. Either i harden my heart, nd save up to move out, OR i try to change my self or whatev assumptins i have. But how do i do that? i try afirming: "my familys so nice to me, im respected by them" but it feels so fake tears literally enter my eyes lol

firstly i want to say, thank you for coming here to vent and being open about your feelings. it’s so important sometimes to just let it all out, without holding back. so that way you can move forward more bravely, to create the life you truly want to experience. that being said, i am going to be completely honest with you here in hopes that perhaps it may inspire you and you will be ready to do what is needed for the life you truly want to experience.

“BUT my question is why the HELL cant they talk to me like normal people?” -> “i felt so small nd like an object, nd not a single person defended me. am i not a part of the family?” here is your question, and here is your answer. i think that being completely honest when venting your feelings can actually be so helpful, because if you read back what you have said, you will be able to clearly find the patterns that are creating your personal hell. FEELING IS THE SECRET. ASSUMPTIONS HARDEN INTO FACT. the true way you feel, becomes your experience. Feelings/assumptions/beliefs come first, and the experiences come second to confirm them. That’s all that’s happening here.

i am glad that you were able to keep your reactions to a minimum! that's wonderful and as many of us know, it can sometimes be hard to do in such hurtful circumstances. but you managed to do it, this shows just a small glimpse of the power you truly hold within. although emotionally you may feel out of control, there is still the choice to choose better for yourself which you demonstrated through your reaction to them. good for you!

the truth is, you acknowledge the victim mindset to seem like you’re not engulfed in it, but no, you’re still very clearly engulfed in it. as i have said before, you can’t be a VICTOR and feel bad about it. feeling bad about taking responsibility, about everyone is you pushed out, about any of these types of concepts automatically shows a victim mindset. talking to them won’t do anything, because there are no second causes. you could talk to them nicely, you could be the nicest person in the world. but you can’t pretend your way out of your inner world. your inner world is the one and only cause of your experiences. until you change the story you tell yourself, they will stay the same. this is a hard pill to swallow sometimes. and it can feel heavily, because it’s ultimately only you’re choice. they can’t change until you do. the heaviness of the situation may make it seem impossible to turn around, but that’s just an illusion. your emotional attachment to the situation makes it seem so real and hard to change, but no. that’s just an illusion too. however, it’s ultimately your choice. Do you want to take responsibility for your life, or do you want to keep being tossed around like your lost at sea, victim to the merciless angry waves? Because we always have a choice. No one chooses your inner world, you do. No one can go into your mind and decide things for you, that’s only your job.

you can harden your heart, but who would be the one who suffers more? It won’t be your family, i can assure you. it’ll only be you. by doing that, you keep that old story alive and therefore you keep experiencing it. you keep those stories alive that are desperately showing themselves to you, saying “LET US GO.” but you remain identified with those painful stories, so you grip onto them tight. you keep on thinking of possible reasons for their behavior, but you could just read your entire ask back to yourself and you’ll see every reason. your reactions, your beliefs about them, your emotional pain. its your refusal to let those things go, and focus on what you truly want that keeps you in this state and keeps them in this state. sure it’s painful to face the responsibility at first, but it’s not a blame game. thinking its about blame is just a misunderstanding of the teachings. it’s not about they’re so perfect and you’re so not, so you have to change your ways. it’s about this is how life works here. this is about... you can ONLY ever experience self. whatever is going on within, will be reflected in your outer world. it’s about how they can’t change, UNTIL YOU DO. so instead of feeling sorry for yourself, you have to decide to give yourself the gift of a wonderful life because you have that power too. you stop deciding they can be in control of your experience, and you decide your experience yourself.

to change your assumptions, stop trying to affirm over them and actually face what’s keeping you from believing in your desires. yeah, it’s going to be painful and uncomfortable. but you need to face the pain that you’re running away from, so that it can finally be released. you have to realize, it only stayed true because you believed it to be true. and if you are to live a life free from that story, and experience a more desirable story, then you must let the pain go. give yourself love and grace as you work through it, and know that there is a more beautiful side of life that awaits for you to accept it in.

No One To Change But Self

There is Nothing to Forgive

How to Sit with Your Triggers

give yourself the time you need, it's not race. the love that you wish to experience exists, allow it in. 💖

#eiypo

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