spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me

Long Ramble about CCCC and my overall feelings on what the album means and such

Something I find important about CCCC is like.

The fact that all three of them are, in some way, trying.

Heart is emotion, he is prone to himself and being reactionary, in the moment. Prone to the past of learned behavior and trauma. Reactive and rapidly changing. He isn't going to make pure sense because he isn't based in logic or in societal ideals or views. He is an instinctual response to the environment and circumstances. His manipulation is not intentional. He has very little control of himself in the end. Its why Mind talks about claiming to relish entropy yet clearly needing help. But, Heart in earnest wants them to be okay and safe. He believes that Mind's control will drain the life from them. It will make things monotonous and the same. Too much order.

Mind in turn, believes Heart is manipulative with intention. He wants to control Soul or wants to just drag them all down with him into this depressive state. Mind is logic, he is the reasoning out of your emotional instinct. Your inner critique, and when unchecked, that inner critique goes from a guiding hand for your emotion to one that debates and bullies it. Invalidating its responses. Ultimately, though. Mind just believes he is helping. He is doing what must be done and telling the "hard truths" to Heart. And that Heart is being the petty child. Which- I mean. Sort of sure. But Mind is definitely fucking petty and childish. He's stubborn! Prideful! So ofc he is. Admitting you're wrong? No.. why would he EVER do that.. nuh uh.

Which is what makes Light so crucial. Mind asking Heart for help- but also. There is Soul.

Who while ambiguous in purpose, is mostly that background voice. Your inner narration. If Mind is Logic and Reason then Heart is Emotion and Instinct,, Soul is all that lives between it. And he is constantly silenced or spoken over or around. He does not get a word in edgewise until TSE. He may show up in the background occasionally but as much as Heart and Mind claim to want to keep him alive and help him, they also fail to actually acknowledge what he says.

Which is that they both are right and wrong. That this fighting is doing directly what they both feared it would. Soul is desperate by the end. He is angry and resentful because.. well. Self hatred due to intense self awareness and reflection is rather ig. Common. Im not a professional here but from personal experience, you get so tired of rehashing the same shit with yourself over and over. It all feels pointless.

The only out, by the end of it all to Soul is that if they cannot be Whole, whats the point? He is desperate. He does not want to die but he feels theres no other solution.

And. About Whole, Soul throughout the album seems to want that. At the beginning, to be Whole or Harmonious is to be mentally healthy, maybe even "normal" by society's standards. To be able to put a mask over your problems and be, again, "normal". It takes the entire album for Soul to realize that this:

1. isnt possible

And

2. There isn't anything evil or wrong with him for that.

Mental health is a struggle. But you are not evil and should not be othered because you struggle. You also do not need to be fixed for being a little different and people's opinion of you is not what matters most so long as you are happy (and not hurting others. Lol).

Thats what Two Wuv is entirely about as a song. Its a "fuck you. Fuck this! I thought I needed to be this! But I DON'T. Stop telling me who I am! How to be! I'm gonna be me!"

His entire arc is parallel to Heart and Mind's and is crucial in the culmination of becoming yourself again and accepting yourself.

But, as mental health will always be, this period of respite and self acceptance is not always forever. And as life continues or as you lapse back into a depressive episode.. you cannot help but forget what it is like when you're not this way- and hell! Vice versa too! Some people have this disconnect between the periods. Where the things from the depressive state seem dramatic or obtuse to you while you are doing better. And from the other end, you just want to be happy again.. but you get so lost in it all you can struggle to feel like you've ever been happy.

The album is about the human experience. It is about self-sabotage, mental illness, self-hatred and reflection and it is, maybe more importantly about self-acceptance and healing. Having a bit of mercy on yourself. Accepting that you are imperfect and that this is okay. And whatever flaws you may have that need to be mended or worked on, can be. And that who you are, for example, if you are queer, is okay. And no one has the right to take that identity from you! That the internalized ideas of how someone should be are not always correct or right. Not for you, at least. Stuff like that.

A good summary of my ship with me and dahlia is that

We are both bringers of death. She is an assasin and has killed countless people for the medicis, she has taken more lives than im sure she can count.

And i am death, the litteral reaper that brings all souls to the beyond. I have been there for everyone who dies.

And yet we are both disillusioned with life and death itself.

Dahlia has begun to view life as monotonous and boring. Its slowly eating away at her mind. She is the greatest fighter, no fight she has ever been in has brought her close to death. She has grown numb to life, its all so boring and it blends together. Nothing gives her that spark she felt years ago when she was so close to death. She has chased that high ever since. And now as she has gotten older she is starting to grow worried that she will never get thay spark, she will never be pushed to the edge again and will instead die old and shriveled. The thought of it driving her mad and even scaring her. The idea that she dies a wrinkled up old feeble woman is truly the worst fate for her in her eyes.

As for me, ive grown tired. All ive focussed on is death for obvious reason. Its made me almost cold end emotionless, even death grows somber when a mother begs to spare her baby when both died in a house fire. I have grown reserved and has begun to dislike life. It has made me become cold and emotionless, no emotion in my being. As death, the idea of life has been lost on me and being alive and living life to the fullest seems pointless. Why care about doing anything in life when all that waits is death.

Both me and her are sides of the same coin, both of us disillusioned with death. But for two different ways.

She only feels alive when close to death and pushes herself to that edge as much as she can, and worries about dying a feeble old woman.

And i see no value in life, nothing matters when only death awaits. I see no point in enjoying life, it all ends the same.

But through our relationship we grow and learn. We both change how the other thinks

And funny enough both begin to realize the value of life, even without the threat of death. That the moments in life are what matter

hey im in recovery for atypical anorexia (was afraid to eat but for reasons other than weight/appearance) and my mom has recently started suggesting I cut out as much sugar as I can from my ration. now, sweets are literally the reason im alive rn bc it's all I felt safe eating and I just. simply like the taste? and I don't even eat as much as she seems to think, for goodness sake. but she believes shes doing it for my health, since you know, weight gain, diabetes, bad teeth etc. how can I get it through to her that it's genuinely triggering to hear that and what I eat is my decision first and foremost?

Hi, I'm sorry this took so long for me to answer! You can read my pinned post, my life is kinda weird rn.

But I think this is an all-too-common problem, honestly! I feel like when people give out diet tips that they think are genuinely healthy, it "doesn't count" as triggering. But of course anything can be a trigger, food relationships are complicated, and it sounds like she herself is so caught up in diet culture things like "sugar panic" that she genuinely can't stop herself from reacting with fear when she sees you consuming sugar. I think she feels she's expressing her love by caring this much about your health, but that doesn't mean you have to accept the consequences of her lack of understanding! That will not help you heal, of course.

So first let me address that situation. Your response will depend on whether or not you are living at home. If you're not currently at home, you will be able to use these boundaries much more liberally and with less complication because you will have the power to leave a given situation. So what you say in that case might go along the lines of:

"Mom, I hear that you feel strongly about this and I understand that, but I'm stating the boundary that talking about this isn't good for me and I won't do it. If you continue to talk about this with me, I am going to leave."

When you state this boundary, REMEMBER that the goal isn't to keep her from feeling whatever feelings she may have. So if she starts to say anything along the lines of "why won't you listen, that's so disrespectful, I guess this is what I get for caring" or any other defensive response, do not engage, and do not get drawn into a pointless argument that'll only make you tired. Just say, "I'm sorry you feel that way. However, that's the boundary I've stated. It's what I need to stick to right now for my own sake." And then uphold the boundary. So if she brings it up further, or if the conversation stays negative, calmly say "All right, I've stated this boundary and it keeps getting crossed, so for the time being I am going to leave." And do it. Again, be calm. Don't make it a fight, even if you have strong feelings and you want to. But do show her that when this boundary is crossed, you will do what you need to do to maintain it. Don't make it personal, don't make it mean. But do be firm.

If you live in the house and need to maintain an ongoing living-together relationship, it might be more complicated. You can let her know that you are not going to engage the conversation and that you're going to take some space in your room to get yourself calm, but I don't know if your mother is the kind of person who would try to follow you. Again, don't make it personal and try not to engage in emotional appeals when you yourself are triggered. Remember, you are the child and she is the parent. It isn't your job to manage her mental health. End these conversations with "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm doing what I need to do to manage my own mental health."

But on a more positive note, this does seem to be her misguided way of showing caring for you! SO, if she seems open to listening at all, you might be able to approach her in a calm moment. Make it clear that this is really important to you and you want to be able to have open conversations about this, but you need the conversations to be healthy. You could prepare a list of "do's" and "don'ts" beforehand, and if the conversation goes well, you might even find yourself adding to it! If you think she would genuinely respond to your input on how to help you, you can provide her with suggestions on things she COULD do to be supportive, whether that's creating an environment where you feel safe to try fear foods, getting you access to vitamins and supplements, and/or learning some therapy strategies to try with you. Whatever works. Please do keep in mind that, by force of habit, she may slip up, so be prepared to calmly remind her about the "do's and don'ts" list for your healing.

On the subject of healing, I'm sure you are aware of this, but your body does need more nutritional content than is available in most sugary products. You do what you need to do to stay alive for now, but if you're not taking advantage of ED resources around you, I might suggest you look into a few other things. (SEPARATELY from your mother, at least at first, I think! Going to nutritionists' appointments with her would probably make you feel very defensive at first just because of this relationship.) But I'd recommend working with a nutritionist, and making sure you're taking enough vitamins while you try to ease yourself back into eating a wider range of foods. Perhaps you could attend psychotherapy, but there are also feeding therapy techniques for people who are avoidant to specific foods.

One more thing - if you try any or all of these things and they don't work, and your mother just won't stop, it is going to hurt that you tried to open up to her and that she would not listen long enough to approach healing on the terms you need. Understand that it is okay and valid to feel this way. If you find yourself feeling these feelings, allow yourself to process them, and know that you are allowed to feel them even if it sucks that you have to. Remember, it's not your fault or your responsibility to make any one person a better listener if they are not trying. If you come to her genuinely trying to open up about your needs and she shuts you down, that is a reflection on her ability to process tough conversations, not on yours. And you will eventually find people who do show their caring and their love by attending to you in ways that work for you.

Best of luck in working on this issue with your mom!

Hi hun! Hope you’re doing well! Could a request a Shikamaru fic! I was thinking maybe it’s obvious to everyone that Shikamaru and Reader like each-other (except themselves of course). But a mission where they have to pretend to be a couple and they finally confess.

😘

Pretenders (Shikamaru x Reader)

A/N: another request. Im not super proud of this one, i really got stuck halfway through and i think that shows here. Thanks for requesting though, and hopefully you still enjoy. Trigger Warning for sexual assault.

word count: 6500

“So, you two set out on a mission tonight right?” Ino asked, leaning her cheek in her hand, nodding toward her two friends across the booth.

“Yep. Supposedly 3 weeks,” Y/N told her. “I won’t get to see you guys for so long.” The girl took a quick sip of her lemonade and sighed. It was a substantial amount of time. It’d been a while since she’d gone somewhere so intensive.

Shikamaru and Y/N had only a couple more hours before they were to be briefed on the details of otheir next mission and whisked away to a far away land for yet another tedious job. Y/N was perfectly fine with the premise of going on a 3 week mission, she’d been home too long and longed for some kind of adventure. She still wasn’t sure the caliber of the mission, nor did she even know where or what they were doing, but she was excited nonetheless.

Shikamaru, of course, wasn’t too fond of the entire idea. Yes, he was more than happy to find out his mission partner was Y/N L/N. Out of all the people he could have been paired with, she was most definitely the least annoying. He really felt like Kakashi had his back lately with missions, giving him ones that were semi decent, and sending him out with his friends. He was certainly grateful for the Hokage’s assignments.

Choji added from his spot near the wall, taking a second away from munching on his lunch. “It won’t be so bad. You guys have each other, after all. How could things get boring when you have your little girlfriend with you, Shikamaru, am I right?”

“Choji…” Shikamaru groaned, pressing his fingers to either side of his temples. These sorts of things borhered the hell out of him. The constant teasing from everyone, not just his teammates, but literally teachers, other squads, his mother, her grandmother. They weren’t dating. They never were dating.

Yet every person in this damned town was under the assumption there was something going on between them. Really, he was just trying to live his life.

Did he want to date her? Yes, a million times over, yes. She was literally perfect, he couldn’t imagine himself with anyone else. But was Y/N at all interested? Definitely not. She was more oblivious than Naruto was with Hinata, and that’s saying a lot. She seemed to ignore everyone when they made jokes, she thought all his measly attempts at flirting were just normal conversation even when he treated Ino completely differently. She wasn’t a dumb girl either. She was smart in her own right.

That’s why he’d begun to think she was maybe avoiding his advances on purpose. That she didn’t like him and she was trying to let him down easy. It was stupid really, and he wished she would just come out with it already, tell him to his face that she just wanted to be friends. It was frustrating, to say the least, but he kept trying.

He could safely say he hadn’t felt this way for another girl in his entire life, and he wouldn’t give up that easily. He really just wanted other people to mind their business. That’s the reason he shot down all the jokes and comments from his friends. They didn’t need to know about his lovelife, that was personal.

Ino smirked, tossing her ponytail over her shoulder and letting a laugh leave her lips. “Come on, Choji. You know how Shika feels about you teasing him.”

“Fine. But you gotta admit it’s funny.”

They continued on with their conversation, Shikamaru groaning at their jokes and the other two laughing the entire time. That was how it usually went. Y/N just listened quietly, sipping away at her lemonade. Those two, his teammates, they always made jokes, it was normal. She was constantly labeled Shikamaru’s girlfriend, and each time he denied it. Over and over again. He didn’t let a single instance slide by.

That’s how she knew to avoid the subject. To keep her feelings to herself. There was no point in confessing to him when he was already so adamant at keeping their relationship out of other people’s mouths. She was a troublesome girl, anyone who thought he saw her as anything different was delusional.

So she kept quiet, just listening.

Each time someone joked, her stomach would turn and she would wait for him to say something, for him to admit they were right, for him to get flushed in the cheeks, for him to reach out and hold her hand and confess his feelings, and each time she was let down brutally. After enough times getting her heart broken, it was only inevitable she give up this false hope. There was no digging her way into his cold heart. He was so closed off, to get inside...it seemed like an impossible feat.

She wasn’t willing to fight for him anymore. It was tiring, and they never got anywhere.

After enough time, she stopped crying herself to sleep. She stopped talking about her crush with Hinata and Ino when the boys weren’t around. She still looked at him with all the love she had to give. He was the best man she knew, how could she not. She just stopped wishing for something that wasn’t going to happen. She stopped investing so much of her time and energy into a useless, pointless dream.

She was tired of running endlessly in circles, over and over again. All because of his dumbass.

Maybe with time, she could try and get over him. With time she could learn to like him the same way as all their other friends. It was always just the little things that would pull her back in every time. It was the walks home at night when she was tired, or she had too many drinks and he’d wrap his arm around her waist and hold her so tight to his side she could feel his heart beating. It was the times he’d lay beside her in the grass and run his fingers through her hair splayed out over the ground. It was the times he would hold her silently as she cried for her mother and father who’d died, and he would rub her back until she could breathe again.

Every single fucking time she got close, the moments she felt she might not be desperately in love with him anymore, he came right in and stole her heart again. It wasn’t his fault, he was just being a good friend, but God, did it hurt sometimes.

And it wasn’t Ino and Choji’s fault for talking about it. It was so fucking obvious she liked him. Y/N followed Shikamaru around like a lost puppy half the time, what else were they supposed to think? They were just wrong in their assumptions that she was anything more to Shikamaru himself. That the boy thought of her as anything more than a troublesome friend who was always needing help with something or another.

She drank the last bit of her drink and set down the glass. “We better be heading to the Hokage tower soon. It’s almost time, and he still has to debrief us and all, “ she told the boy at her right.

“Yeah. I’ll go get my bag from home first and we’ll meet up there?”

“Got it,” Y/N slid out of the booth and waved to her friends. “See you when we get back.”

“Bye, Y/N!” Ino called as the girl left the restaurant with her book bag over her shoulder. She sighed, sinking down into her seat and glaring over at the pineapple head across from them. “You gotta make your move on this mission, Shika. Stop being such a scaredy cat.”

“Listen, you guys don’t know anything about anything, okay? She doesn’t like me that way. She never has.”

“I never thought I’d have to say this, but you’re dumb, man,” Choji laughed. “She obviously likes you.”

“Yeah, yeah. All of you seem to think that but you don’t see how she is with me. We are purely friends. That’s it.”

“Whatever, man,” he waved off the boy’s stern reply and added, “ Have fun on your trip with Y/N. Hope you get lucky.” Those words caused Shikamaru to heat up from his neck to the tips of his ears and he promptly slid out from his seat, straightening his vest as he did so to try and calm himself. That was unnecessary of his friend to say, for sure.

He turned to them once more and nodded his head. “See you around.”

“See you!”

Now all he needed to do was get his things together and meet up with the girl of his dreams for their weeks long mission. Fun times. Especially now that his friends made him annoyed and frustrated with the entire situation again. He’d have to calm down before seeing her soon.

_______

“We’re doing what?” Y/N asked, staring down at their Hokage in disbelief. He’d been detailing their mission and everything seemed normal so far, infiltrating and learning information about a budding coup in a far away nation just on the edge of the Land of Earth and The Land of Wind. It seemed easy enough at first, but then he kept going.

Kakashi sighed. “I said, you two are to be disguised as a princess and her consort from the Land of Sunflowers. The leaders of this land are expecting these royal visitors and you will be taking their place.”

“So, like, he’s gonna be my husband?” she asked for clarification again. It wasn’t that she didn’t understand his words, it was that she didn’t want to believe them. This was her worst nightmare. They would have to pretend to be in a relationship? Shikamaru was going to hate this more than anything and it would be uncomfortable the entire time.

Why did Kakashi have to pick them two, of all his shinobi? Why?

“Yes. That won’t be a problem for two close friends such as yourselves. After all, that’s why I picked you. You have some kind of dynamic going I feel your targets will find believable.” Shikamaru cursed the heavens. Even the fucking Hokage thought they were involved. This was ridiculous. Now this long ass mission he was already dreading was made ten times worse with this awkward situation. “We’re not gonna have a problem, are we?”

It would be okay though. He just had to take a few deep breaths. That’s all.

“No, sir, of course not. I’m ready for anything you throw at me,” she declared, straightening her back and letting the heat fade from her cheeks. She was embarrassed, obviously, but she couldn’t let the Hokage know. It was easier talking to Kakashi though, much easier than Tsunade. Kakashi watched them grow up, he knew them personally from helping them train. That didn’t mean she couldn’t be flustered.

“You’ll take those bags with you. They have some more suitable clothing for royalty. Put them on when you get close to the village. Throw out any indicators you’re from the Leaf as well.”

“Okay.”

“You’re dismissed. Leave as soon as possible,” the gray haired shinobi told them. She nodded and threw the bag over her shoulder, tossing the other one over to Shikmaru who caught it and slung it onto his back. He definitely wasn’t happy about any of this, but maybe it was a sign.

Ino and Choji told him to confess his feelings to her on this mission. Kakashi just told them they would be pretending to be a married couple. As he watched her walking in front of him down the Tower stairs, her head just barely dipped as she absorbed all the information running through her mind, he wondered if maybe this was his opportunity. A make or break type scenario. He had three weeks to figure out how to tell her how he felt in a more direct way than he’d tried before.

He worked out all the scenarios and their outcomes in his head millions of times and every time they ended in disaster. For someone so great at strategy, he sure did struggle with this one.

“So, I guess we’re married now. Should we start kissing or something?” she asked awkwardly as they reached the bottom of the stairs, shifting back and forth from her toes to her heels. He stopped, more like froze, in his path and stared at her.

“Now you're just making it weird,” he replied. “We aren’t even there yet.”

“I know, I was kidding. Trying to lighten the mood, you know,” she grumbled, crossing her arms over her chest. Of course he would reply like that. He didn’t like her at all, he couldn’t even take a fucking joke. Had to get all upset over it like a baby, all because he was so set on never dating her ever, never even entertaining the thought. She rolled her eyes, “You don’t have to be so rude about it, geez.”

She kept walking before he could reply. He had a feeling this trip was going to be a lot worse than anyone had anticipated. He was nervous, grumpy, and preparing for the worst. In fact, what he really wanted was a nice long nap.

_________

The dresses that Kakashi packed for her were...extravagant to say the least. They flowed all the way down to her ankles, thick heavy hoop skirts embroidered from head to toe with symbols of the land of sunflowers. She felt strange with her shoulders exposed and her body on display in these outfits which were so unlike the pants and t-shirts she wore when she was back at home or on a normal mission. She wrapped a shawl around her shoulders and sighed, feeling at least a little covered.

Shikamaru had nice clothes, but they were nothing in comparison to her wild dresses and all the bright colors of the fabric. He looked semi-normal. She was jealous, admittedly, that he still got to wear pants and shirts. He said she looked good in the dress, he actually told her about a dozen times, reassuring over and over again that she looked fine, but she didn’t believe him. She wasn’t dainty, how could she look beautiful when she clearly didn't belong in something so delicate?

Still, when they walked up to the gates of the Land of Shadows, they were greeted like the royalty they pretended to be. They were swept away to the main castle to meet with the King and his wife. It was nearly dinner time, and they were to eat with them as a greeting. It made sense, but Y/N felt herself growing more nervous with the second. She didn’t know the first thing about being a princess, or acting like a monarch. All she knew was fighting and joking with her friends.

Not only that, but how could she convince them that she and Shikamaru were in a relationship? Y/N wasn’t sure they possessed the right dynamic and even if they tried, it would be obvious they were uncomfortable with each other. It was all making her heart race, and she had to take a few deep breaths as they entered the dining room.

But her companion...he knew what he was doing. He was going to put on quite the show, take advantage of the situation. If this week and a half was his only chance to hold Y/N in his heart, than he wouldn't let any opportunities slip by.

Without warning, she found that Shikamaru had reached over and wrapped her hand up in his bigger one, clutching at her shaking fingers. He was so steady, she found herself sinking into his touch. It was comforting, more so than she thought it could be, given the circumstances. His skin was just so warm and soft against hers, it was only natural she felt safer.

“Ah, Princess Ayaka, Duke Hisashi. It’s a pleasure to finally meet you,” a man called from his place at the table. His wife was sitting beside him, her soft smile only reaching her lips not nearing her eyes. Y/N caught that immediately. Her distance. Silently, she took note of that as the King approached them, extending his arms for an embrace.

“It’s an honor to meet you, your highness,” Shikamaru replied with a smile, an obvious fake one, but damn was he good. She watched as he hugged the man so earnestly, as if he’d sunken right into the role of consort without an issue. She’d have to ask him tonight how he was so good at acting.

“And your beautiful wife,” he extended his hand to the girl and she raised it hesitantly, receiving a soft kiss to the back of her palm. “Come take a seat. Dinner will be served soon.”

The pair took their seats beside each other on the opposite side of the table, Y/N directly across from the Queen, who looked up at her for merely a moment only to sigh and go back to fiddling with the curve of her wine glass. "Your highness," Y/N hummed to the woman who nodded.

"Oh what a dream, to be young and in love," she said. "I remember the days."

"Please dear! To me, you will always be my beautiful young wife! We share a love to last a lifetime," the king cheered, placing his hand over that of his wife's as he took his seat at the table. "I apologize for her gloom. She's been going through a rough patch. We are more than overjoyed to have you here."

"It's fine. We all have our bad days," the girl replied softly.

After a few minutes of small talk, just dipping their feet into the conversation, a couple servants brought out plates of food and wine bottles full of vintage drink truly meant for the highest of royalty. Compared to the plain sake she had drank at home, this was liquid gold dripping down her throat. Shikamaru sent her a warning look. Y/N was known to be quite the lightweight, and even a couple glasses of wine could send her into a tipsy stupor. He really knew her too well, so hyperaware of the things she did.

"So, how did you two meet?" their host asked, taking a moment away from the chicken in front of him. "It's said that you married for love, not arrangement. That's true?"

Y/N and Shikamaru hadn't been versed very well on the details, just on the basics. Her heart beat increased, stress building up. Her lies would have to be good.

"Yes. You've heard right. He was my friend before anything else. We met as children." That much she knew for sure after reading the mission summary.

"Oh wow. Childhood lovers. Very sweet," the queen sighed, resting her cheek in her palm.

Y/N would be lying if she didn't feel a bit of similarities between her own story and that of the real princess she was pretending to be. Shikamaru and Y/N grew up together, for as long as she could remember. She started to love him before she even really knew what love was. It only made sense she pretended to be a princess in the same situation.

And when he held her hand again, this time under the table, his thumb brushing over her knuckles so softly she thought she might melt. Her cheeks began to heat up under his touch and she smiled. It was so nice holding his hand, pretending to care about each other this way. Not that she needed to pretend.

Dinner droned on, and she continued to hold his hand the entire time, besides when they were spooning at their food. For once on a mission, it felt like they were completely at peace. Of course, they were both supposed to be analyzing the movements of everyone around them to make sure no one was planning a coup like Kakashi told them. But she couldn’t held but cherish the moments of calmness and warmth between everyone.

The King and his wife were genuinely some of the kindest people she’d ever met, whether they were just acting that way or not. It was a pleasure to have dinner with them, talking and laughing like an uncle would with his nieces and nephews. It had that same energy, talking to him.

“Hisashi, you wouldn’t mind accompanying me to my library? I have some books I think you might enjoy,” the man said, standing from the table. The rest of them slid out of their chairs after him, and she had to brush down her skirts to make sure everything was in line. It was tedious, wearing these outfits without any prior warning. She felt like a clown. The Queen was so effortless in her movements, how could she not feel stupid standing beside someone so regal?

“That sounds great, your majesty-”

“Not necessary. Call me Shoto, that’s my name after all, and you are an honored guest,” he laughed. He reached over and gave his wife a gentle kiss on the cheek before turning on his heel and heading toward the door. She really expected Shikamaru to just leave with just a simple goodbye, or a “I’ll see you tonight” kind of thing.

Definitely not this.

He was gonna go all out this time around.

“I’m going to kiss you now,” he whispered, just loud enough for only her to hear, over her shoulder into her ear. When his warm breath hit her skin, shivers ran up and down her spine. Her eyes widened and she turned to stare up at him, cursing herself when she felt heat rise up in her cheeks and burn the tips of her ears. Was he serious, or just teasing her? He always liked to crack jokes like that.

But when she felt his rough hand pressed to her cheek, lifting her face ever so carefully to meet his, she knew he wasn’t messing around. His eyes met hers for a split second, and she could have sworn he winked down at her before pressing his lips to hers.

Honestly, she thought she might have a heart attack right there in the dining room. Shikamaru was kissing her. It felt even better than she dreamed it would. Chapped lips running against hers, heat pooling in her stomach, heart pounding in her chest.

As soon as it started, though, the kiss was over, and he took a step back. "See you tonight, Princess."

She was keen on catching the smirk on his lips, and the way he laughed to himself as he walked out of the room with the King before him.

Y/N stood there silently, her fingers pressed to her lips, breath caught in her throat. The boy she’d wanted for so long just kissed her like it was nothing, and she was left all alone to deal with this predicament, all the feelings that came rushing in after. All she knew for sure, whether he was serious or not, was that she really, seriously liked him. She liked him a lot more than she thought.

And now they had a whole week and a half of fake kisses and hand holding to endure. Jeez.

__________

“You know, you’re nothing like the other princesses I’ve met,” the guard said to her as she waited for Shikamaru to show up. He was still out with the King practicing archery. Apparently that was a hobby a lot of these rich country men had. So far, she wasn’t suspecting a thing out of the King or any of his closest acquaintances. They were nice as could be and seemed sincere in their intentions toward the village alliances. She had no reason to suspect them, and was beginning to think a coup was just as Kakashi thought, a mere rumor.

That made things a lot easier.

She sighed, tapping her fingers on her wrist. She wasn’t a fan of having a guard watching her every second of the day, especially not the talkative ones. This one was strange. He gave off this energy she couldn’t describe as anything other than creepy.

“Yeah? That’s nice,” she muttered.

“It’s just, usually princesses are pompous, full of themselves, spoiled women. You aren’t the same,” he continued, even if it was obvious she wanted him to shut up and go about his business while she did hers. She felt uncomfortable being alone in this land, without any of her weapons or the ability to fight back if someone was acting sketchy. She was forced to sit by like some little, ditsy princess just watching and observing.

Honestly, though, Shikamaru was probably having a great time. All he had to do was eat with the royalty, play board games, shoot some arrows, and then go to sleep. There was no extensive fighting or thinking going on, just sitting around observing and waiting for something suspicious to happen.

The queen would normally hang out with the female guests but thanks to her bouts of depression she stayed in her room, leaving Y/N completely at the mercy of time. So much time passed, and she was bored of it.

“I’m honestly just another princess. You’d be surprised though. Many princesses are just as modest as I am, it’s not all that uncommon,” she commented, taking a peek over at the man, only to quickly look away. He had quite the hungry look on his face, and if her eyes hadn’t deceived her, his own were trained right on her breasts. Damn these dresses.

Y/N wrapped her arms across her chest and slumped down, trying to hide herself from this weird man watching over her. Only, it seemed impossible. He was so much taller, could just look over her shoulder. She couldn’t run away and raise suspicion. She had to sit here and wait for someone else to break the tension.

She was scared.

“I meant that as a compliment. You say thank you when someone compliments you, yeah?” he mumbled, a firm hand reaching out to snatch her wrist. It hurt, his grip on her arm, and she winced at the feeling. “Say thank you.”

She bit her lip and refused to meet his eyes, instead focusing on his hands. If she needed to, she would defend herself but only to a small extent. She couldn’t blow her cover just because some guard was manhandling her. Take a deep breath, Y/N. It’s gonna be okay. Just calm down.

“T-Thank you,” she gulped, hoping he would drop her wrist. But he didn’t. He only held on tighter.

He smiled, yellow teeth showing through his thin lips. “See, you are a good girl, aren’t you?” he questioned, and she felt his other hand run up her waist. All she could do was whimper, shivers running up her spine and any skin this man laid his hands on. The only hope she had was that another guard come walking around and see them.

It was unlikely, but she prayed for a savior to make their appearance.

His hand worked its way down to her ass, and she felt him squeeze. Vomit rose up in her throat and she squirmed away, pressing herself against the wall as tight as she could so his hands had nowhere to go. Instead, he took to fondling her breasts in his hands. She could only bite her lips and feel the tears bubble up in her eyes as he pushed down the fabric of her top and pressed his filthy palms against her skin.

“What the fuck?” a voice cursed from behind them. The guard was torn off of her form and she brought up her hands to cover herself, tears still dripping thickly from her eyes as she cried, little breathy sobs leaving her lips. Shikamaru stood there, hands shaking at his sides as he glared over at the guard. “What’s going on here?” he demanded. Y/N watched as her friend turned red in the face, burning up with an anger she rarely saw from him, if ever.

“You tell me, your highness. Your wife seduced me!” the guard cried, clearly lying to cover himself and his sins.

The eyes of all three men, the guard, Shikamaru, and the King standing near the footwell of the stairs, turned to her. She just cried harder, shaking like a leaf in front of everyone. “He grabbed me and started to touch me, and-and I couldn’t do anything,” Y/N told them all through her pained cries.

The King marched up the steps and grabbed his guard by the arm, yanking him toward the doorway to enter the castle. He appeared worn from his workout, tired and sweaty, but he was awake enough to realize the severity of the situation. He bowed low to Y/N and her companion.

His apology ran thick from his mustached lips, “This is unacceptable. Honored guests, I apologize for everything that’s happened. I will take care of this, I assure you. Please, don’t hesitate to ask for anything you need tonight.” Shikamaru nodded, and they watched as the pair of men walked into the castle, no doubt to find another guard to incarcerate the guard in question.

Shikamaru turned to her and winced, seeing her dress pushed down below her breasts and the tremors running through her hands desperate to cover them. He watched as hot, heavy tears ran thick down her cheeks and her lips quivered and shook with fear and trauma. Gently, he moved her hands to the side and brought her dress back up to cover her chest. He worked carefully, making sure not to startle her or make things worse.

The woman sunk into his touch, leaning her head against his shoulder and sobbing. “It’s gonna be okay, Y/N. You’re safe now.” He wrapped his arms around her shoulders and tugged her close to his chest, pressing a soft, gentle hand to the back of her head to stroke her hair. “I’m so sorry. I won’t leave you alone again, okay?”

“Shika, “ she whimpered, “I’ve never felt so helpless in my entire life. I couldn’t do anything to defend myself and there was no one else around to help me. I-I didn’t know what to do.”

“I know. You must have been so scared,” he whispered. She just nodded against his shoulder, crying deeper into his chest. He hugged her tighter and swore to himself, even if he couldn't make it happen, that he would protect her. This kind of thing would never happen to her again if he had any say at all. “I promise this won’t happen again.”

"I've just never been in that position before. I always have the upper hand. It was awful. I was so scared and I wanted to cry for you to come help me but I didn't know where you were."

"God, I'm sorry," he mumbled, hugging her tighter in a desperate attempt to calm her shaking. He just wanted for her to be better, even if he knew that wasn't an option right now.

He felt so hopeless, knowing the only thing he could do was promise, to say things without any actual basis behind them. He was just whispering words to the wind hoping they would stick and he was right. He cursed himself for not being there in the first place to protect her, to make sure something like this never happened in the first place. He really was useless when she needed him the most.

He wouldn’t even argue if she said she wanted to go home, if she never wanted to see him again. He let her down. For the first time ever, he let her down in the most terrible, awful way he could think of. And now she was crying and he didn’t know how to make it better. He was really trash.

For now, all he could do though was hug her and promise her the world, all these things that might make her feel safe and comfortable, make her feel less alone and scared. It was the least he could do.

________

Finally, after a long evening of socializing and another huge dinner literally fit for a king, Y/N found herself stripping off her gowns and heavy undergarments, switching into something much lighter and comfortable for the night.

She was tired from the day. From being left alone for the good part of the morning just sitting in the sun waiting around. She was tired from the assault on her body by the guard whom was supposedly in jail right now for his actions. She was tired from all the crying and the shaking. She was just tired.

Shikamaru was out, finishing up drinks with the King and some of his subordinates for the time being, so she sunk down into the mattress near the far wall, curling up under the down covers and pulling a book from the table beside her. Anything to ease her mind for a while. She felt safe being alone in the confides of the bedroom, knowing that her friend was right down the hall if she needed him.

She scanned the pages of the novel quietly, humming each time she turned a page, leaning on her elbow so the pages would be illuminated in the candlelight.

After about an hour, the door slid open and her companion entered, shutting the door silently behind him. "You aren't asleep? I expected you to be after such a long day."

"I'm tired, but I'm not in the mood for sleep yet," she shrugged, still skimming through the pages of her novel. "Did you have fun?"

"Nah. It's such a drag having to hang out with that old man. He's nice but he never stops talking." He took off his coats and tossed them onto a chair, kicking off his heavy boots and thick socks. "Annoying, having to wear all this fancy shit too."

"Trust me, I know." She shifted over in the bed so he had more space to lay himself down, kicking out his legs and crossing his ankles. "Do you know what's on the agenda for tomorrow?"

He nodded, tilting his head ever so slightly to the side to peek at her face. His eyes slid down to the novel turned over in her hands and smirked, "Yeah. You've got book club. Have fun with that." She tossed her book back on the table beside her and instead curled further into the blankets.

His eyes caught hers and he smiled, one of those undeniably handsome intoxicating smiles she loved so deeply. "You know, you look kinda cute like that."

"Huh?"

He shrugged, "All curled up under the blankets like a little baby. It's cute. I'm just calling it how I see it."

If she wasn't flustered before, she definitely was now. He was undeniably making her feel some sort of way, and she was loving the attention. He was being so bold, so unlike him. She questioned what had compelled him to act like this, to say such things. They weren't in character anymore, it wasn't like he had to say these things.

"Thanks, Shika." She felt dumb but what was she supposed to say? She was overwhelmed. "But we're alone now. You don't have to act all lovey-dovey."

He crossed his arms beneath his head and sighed, eyes gazing up at the canopy. He mumbled, just loud enough to reach her ears, “When this is all over, I’m gonna miss you being my princess.” She peered over at him in the candlelit room, making out his faint silhouette in the darkness. Her heart fluttered in her chest at his sweet words. She never imagined in a million years Shikamaru would say these things to her, and now that it was happening she didn’t know how to react.

She dreamed of this moment for a while now. The thoughts of Shikamaru confessing his feelings and then her falling into his arms dramatically. It was a fantasy of hers, a guilty pleasure. Far too dramatic to ever be a reality.

That's why she was too shocked to meet his eyes. His princess. Those words made her woozy.

"What are you talking about?"

"You're not stupid. You know what I'm talking about," he said calmly.

"You don't want things to go back to normal?" Y/N asked, hesitant. She felt nervous, diving into these waters. Each words felt like it held so much weight. It was a puzzle, just finding the right thing to say, how to reply to his statement. "Just friends, like before?"

"Is that what you want?"

And when she really thought about it, he was right. She didn't want to go back to normal. She wanted to continue holding his hand, kissing his cheek and his lips, loving each other with their words and their gazes and all the little touches. She wanted all of this to last and as the mission came to a close, she found herself worrying for the future empty of all those things.

She shook her head, just barely able to bring her eyes up to meet his. He looked bored, but she knew he cared. He cared a lot, actually. "I-I think I'd like if we could stay like this."

"Falling in love with you, Y/N, was one of the easiest things I've ever done. Finding the right time to tell you, that's been troublesome," he confessed, blowing a stray piece of hair from his eyes. "You never seemed emotionally available, really."

"I always was. I was always waiting for you, Shikamaru. Ever since we were just teenagers, I've been waiting for you," she told him, letting her heart finally come out with her words. "I just thought you wanted to be friends. Before this mission, I had completely given up on being with you, but then everything seemed to fall into place on this trip."

"When Kakashi told us we would be married for this mission, I have to admit, I got excited." He rolled onto his side to face her. She was still curled up in her blanket, and he felt like he was melting. The most beautiful woman in the entire world right in front of him, his heart playing right into her hands. He was okay with that. He was okay with this girl having his entire soul if that meant he would see that smile and those eyes peering up at him.

He wasn't a romantic man. Far from it. But she brought out a side of him he'd only heard about from love struck novelists, such kinds Kakashi sensei would read.

"I just knew I'd have to shoot my shot with you," he finished, sending a wink her way. She truly was swoon, like putty in his hands. Her words came faster than she could think to stop them.

"Shikamaru, I think I love you. When you kissed me for the first time, I knew it was true. All these feelings for the past few years weren’t in vain. I love you."

"The feeling is mutual."

The girl crawled out from under the blankets and over to him on the other side of the mattress. Her arms wound around his neck and as best she could, she curled into his chest. Her ear pressed to his heart, beating loud and constant in her mind. He was more than happy to let her cuddle up to him, in fact, he relished in the feeling.

This is what he'd been missing out on all this time. The hugs. The cuddles. The looks in the dark full of love and longing. It was nice, to lay there with someone he knew for sure, without any doubt, loved him to the moon and back. He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her tighter to his tired form, letting her sink further into his touch.

Kakashi knew what he was doing sending them. Two lovers with a mask over their emotions, straight into a game full of dancing around their feelings and pretending to be something they always wanted to be. Everything played out perfectly, a happy ending for a couple of worthy shinobi.

He was happy. That's all he could ask for.

YGCMA songs and how they relate to c!Wilbur based off of yesterday’s lore (in my biased opinion)

This is so dumb and i literally don’t care. I can’t think about anything else other than doing this synopsis even tho like 28480329204 other people are going to do it. idc. 

(I listened to the songs earlier, and i’m also listening to them as i write the opinions. these are basically just my thoughts while listening tbh. im also not doing the full song, just some things i feel relate within each song)

- Jubilee Line

the lines at the beginning of the song, “hate to see you leaving / a fate worse than dying” could relate to how wilbur feels after tommy gets pulled back into the overworld. or, he could be referencing L’Manburg and how he hates to see his country leaving him (ouch). 

then we have the lines “your city gave me asthma / so thats why im fucking leaving / and your water gave me cancer / and the pavements hurt my feelings”. This could be in relation to L’Manburg as a whole. He put everything he had into L’Manburg and it only ended up hurting him in the end. yikes. 

now we have “shout at the wall / ‘cause the walls dont fucking love you” repeated. This could be in reference to when he said he was fucking kicking and screaming to get out of the train station. hes screaming and he doesnt care because it doesnt matter to him. it doesnt love him just like how the people of L’Manburg didnt love him. wilbur get therapy challenge.

so based on the lore from yesterday, we know that c!wilbur’s limbo was a train station (props to fanartists. i love you.), presumably the YCGMA album cover type deal. when he sings “Theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the tube line / theres a reason / that London puts barriers on the rails” repeated. if the train station looks like how they do on the album cover, there could be barriers where he is. maybe hes trying his best to just kill himself over again by jumping onto the tracks. just in an attempt to escape. jfc 

“theres a reason they fail”. he was still in the train station, wasnt he?

- Saline Solution

for this one, i feel like hes pretty far into the void and regretting his decision to have phil kill him. hes tired of being in a fucking train station for years on end. 

“i think this time im dying / im not melodramatic / im just pragmatic beyond any / reasoning for thinking ive got / fuckin rabies or something.” hes so fucking sick of being in this goddamn train station and he thinks hes dying. hes so pent up and sick of being there, maybe hes just in so much pain that he feels like hes dying. if hes been there for a while, hes probably bound to go crazy at some point, hence the “pragmatic beyond any reasoning.”

“I think ive lost my mind / blurring the fact and the fictions” this feels like he really does believe hes going crazy and is mixing up the things he really knows and the things his mind is creating for him. maybe this is when tommy first arrived and he cant tell if he real or not (thats a stretch but i figured id share it anyway.)

“I think ive made my choice / im a deceased playing victim / slip the face, slip the victory” he quite literally says that hes a deceased playing victim. hes literally saying hes dead HAHHAHAH anyway. maybe hes blaming himself again, because us c!wilbur apologists all know that hes very good at doing that.

“Sit secluded in hatred /.../” hes sitting in a fucking train station for god knows how long beating himself up over and over again and just hating himself. hes all alone. with himself. someone he fucking loathes.

this is honestly all i have for Saline Solution, but i will definitely add more later if i get different theories. 

- Since I Saw Vienna

This is my favorite song on the album and my comfort song so that could factor into this bit ahaha

im going to skip through this one a little bit and go to the line “The roads are my home, horizons my target / if i keep on moving, never lose sight of it / treating my memory of you like a fire, let it / burn out, don’t fight it, try to move on” this sounds like hes reminiscing on his home in L’Manburg and his presidency was something he relied on and he would fight to get it back, but now that hes dead and said that it should remain that way that he should just let it go. trying to move on from his symphony, forever unfinished. 

 “its been sixty weeks since i saw vienna / a bandage and a wide smile slapped across my face / ill pick up my hiking boots when i am ready / and ill put down my roots when im dead.” THESE LINES FUCK ME UP IN GENERAL BUT HOW THEY RELATE TO C!WILBUR RN IS JUST SUIBHYSBUSHDXNSKJDNHBD YK???? in the context that vienna is L’Manburg and he died, its saying that its been a long ass time since hes seen it and hes faking being okay about his death. he misses it but doesnt want to admit it. the picking up the hiking boots when hes ready is him moving on from his L’Manburg, and putting his roots down when hes dead is finally being okay with not living there/being an important part of it. he believed his death was the best for the people in L’Manburg and L’Manburg itself. it seems like hes still trying to convince himself. 

“Ill be gone then, for when you must be alone.” hes gone. hes dead. hes in the train station. he left the L’Manburgians alone and hes alone in his limbo. man. 

- Losing Face

this song is angry. hes so fucking angry. my thoughts are that this is about the following presidents after him. he feels like the L’Manburgians were happier without him and im pretty sure he believed that even when Schlatt was president. this is so evident in the lyric “Is he better than me?” Hes literally asking if the other presidents were better than he was. he doesnt believe he did everything he could to be the best president, even though we all know that he gave everything that he was into that country and then some. he broke himself for the L’Manburg but he doesnt believe hes enough. sheesh.

“Ive seen him / ive been him / ive felt the same way” even though he cant see the new presidents being president, he knows what its like. he knows that they might break under the pressure. hes been there. he knows how if feels. yikes. 

“Ive lost all meaning / ive lost my sense of hope” this feels like when he was nearing the end of L’Manburg when he blew it up, and that he feels like trying to win it back is pointless. he has no hope for it anymore, so why not give up? his mental state is already shit yk so i cant really blame him for feeling that way. 

“i dont care / i want you here / as long as youre happy, i dont care” this line. this fucking line. hes lost hope in being president, but he doesnt care. he just wants the L’Manburgians to be happy. that was his whole thought process while he was president. he didnt matter to himself, he just wanted them to be happy. he sacrificed his mental state for them. cries in wilbur apologist.

- Your Sister Was Right

this is my second favorite song on the album i think HAHAHAH

anyway

“I use everyone i ever meet / i cant find the perfect match / abuse those i love / while i ostracize the ones who love me / back.” wowie wow wow fucking ouchie. He feels like he uses his friends. this whole thing is a projection of his shit ass mental state rn fucking hell. he feels like hes abusive. thats what everyones been telling him. they tell him he was awful and a shit president and all that jazz even though hes been killing himself trying to be the best for them but its still not enough (pigeon projecting? more likely than you think)

“every time that i miss you / i feel the way you hurt / and i dont deserve you / you deserve the world / though it feels like we were built / from the same dirt.” man. hes dead lol. he misses the L’Manburgians. not only were they his supporters, but they were all his friends too. every time he misses his friends he feels their pain of when he first blew up L’Manburg. he feels like because he caused them all pain that they dont like him and that they never liked him and that he is undeserving of their friendship. he still wants to be friends with them. he still loves them. he still wants the best for them. he thinks theyre so much better than him even though they all created L’Manburg together. in reality they are all the same, but their actions impact each other and he feels that his actions make him worse than them or less than. fuckisonmdfnpbhife

“and i hate to say it / but your sister was right / dont trust english boys / with far too much free time” sister is dream mayhaps. fuckngeionsfjg that hurt sorry uhhh anyway yeah sister is dream?? he did say that wilbur would be a shit president and he believes that hes a shit president so he thinks they were all right about him being a shit president  fbhjebinfnejg. maybe sister is just everyone who didnt believe in wilbur. man....

“a fucking waste of time” do i even need to explain this one? he fr doesnt belive hes worth it anymore and that hes literally a waste of time. hjkfbhnfve

- La Jolla

this one feels pretty far into train station limbo to me as well. namely from “and im lonely / there i said it” this could either be him being lonely as president and feeling like he doesnt have anyone to talk to really because hes too busy trying to hold himself together for everyone. either that or hes lonely in the station and didnt want to admit it because this is what he wanted. he wanted to die. he wanted to be dead because he believed thats what everyone else wanted and he just wanted the best for them. 

“i could go away / i could pack my things and be gone before you wake” he could leave if they asked him to. he would do anything for them. 

“you know ive tried hard to love me too / it always seems to fall in, through” this line already physically pained me but now it hurts even more having to relate it to a character i love. we already know that his mental state was declining as his presidency continued, but this would confirm that hes just trying to love himself even though he can never seem to get it right. 

“my own personal sunset” this is just the ‘this is my sunrise’ line but different. my man misses the sun. fuck. 

- I’m Sorry Boris

this song is almost definitely from a long ass time in the limbo. 

“and im sorry / but, boris / im leaving / im not good for anyone here” boris represents L’Manburgians!! hes talking about how hes leaving the world by planning on killing himself. fuck. 

“we reached the end of a decade” mans been dead for a decade. sheesh. 

he then goes on to say that he cant believe hes leaving, he doesnt think he wants to leave them, but he thinks its whats best for them.

he talks about how they do all of these bullshit things before helping you and i know its in reference to london but for the sake of my sanity its about the presidency role and how it will fuck you up before bothering to help you not want to kill yourself.  

should i do a separate post about how i visualized it/about how i thought about the song in paragraph form like a lowkey explanation? idk how to explain it but in this one i wanted to just cover some of the lyrics of the songs and my thoughts on them. i think c!wilbur wrote these in the limbo after he died. i know this is also shit and Not Good, but i really just needed to get my thoughts out before it killed me. i also didnt reread this. its probably repetitive and shit yk. i do Not Care. id also love to hear thoughts on this if yall want to. if you made it this far i love you please hydrate and eat today and youre so sexy ahaha 

“and even though im finished / im not quite done with it” even though hes finishing his symphony by blowing it up, hes now realizing he wished he hadnt blown it up and that he hadnt killed himself. man. 

-

...

trying to think of what i want to address in therapy tomorrow

it feels like all of my ongoing issues have been rendered irrelevant because of the quarantine because ‘well, life is uncertain for EVERYONE right now”; “well, EVERYONE is having trouble adjusting to a daily schedule”; “well, EVERYONE is out of work right now” kinda shit.

i was looking at old selfies earlier trying to find a pic of my old tripps (that dont fit anymore because of my shit fucking woman hips) and man something... i dont know what happened but somethign really seemed to Happen. when i started working i got more and more depressed. i stopped smiling in pictures. i started experiencing dpdr a lot more because my days all ran together and i couldnt do anything except go to work and come home. i couldnt see my friends because i worked every single weekend. i didnt have a consistent work schedule. i wasnt eating or sleeping properly. 

i think once i see garrosh in shadowlands, if he’s there, i’m going to quit wow again. i dont know what i’ll do instead, but i want to start on doing something that’s tangible and that i can focus on and just get more absorbed in that to a point where i’m not actively interested in playing wow anymore. i sign on and do shit dailies just because i have literally nothing else occupying my time and i have no want to do anything else. but i dont even really want to play wow. i just want to be in another world. where i can travel, where i can meet people, where i can watch the wind blow tall grasses and see fireworks over the ocean. where i can go wherever i please, whenever i please, where i can feel useful, where i can make useful things. where i have bounties, where i have help, where i have love and family and friends.

i want to believe that those things are waiting for me in the real world too but it’s very hard. i feel shut out from everything. travelling is hard. getting anywhere is hard. it’s hard to make things and it’s hard to be useful. i get tired or bored or cranky or disconnected. 

my sister keeps talking about dating men and living on her own and her career. my brother is in law school working on his finals. im doing nothing. there is nothing i want to do.

i need to feel interest in my interests again. i want to want to do things. i want to feel love for myself and for things. i want to feel like there’s a point in taking care of myself or investing my future beyond “well, you’ll feel worse if you don’t.”

like, whats the point? what do i offer? what’s the point in me being alive?

thinking about quarantine and covid and all the eugenicist drivel is conjuring up old rhetoric from 4chan again, all that “modest proposal” type shit about how the neurodivergent and disabled should just be mass-exterminated, and how they crunched the numbers on the resources it would save if we did so, if the country eliminated all the accessibility programs and resources and supplies and just focused on the able-bodied and able-minded. if we could turn psych wards and rehab centers into “real hospitals”, if we could divert student aides and special education toward “real school”, shit like that. and i know that every human life is precious, blah blah, but what about when i dont see even the value of my own life? what about me feeling like my own life is worthless, useless, pointless? if i dont even stay alive for myself, then what good am I?

the least i can do is be a cog, right? yet i must have enough self-respect or self-preservation (or, the curse of “intellect”, since everyone tells me i’m so fucking “smart”) to know i’m being exploited and therefore i cant even be complicit in the harvesting of my manual labor or, i dunno, flesh, i guess.

cause theyd say that too, like, the least you can do is donate your pussy, basically, a rationed comfort woman for the subsidized “quell the incel” program they all jabber about wanting so bad, their god given right to have a penis and fuck with it, or something.

i feel like it all defaults to the same thing. if i’m not being used/abused, what good am i? if i’m not being squeezed for every ounce of my sweat and tears and blood and spit, why do i even deserve oxygen? why shouldnt i be killed? what right do i have to live over anyone else? why should i be sheltered in my parents’ house as a dependent, eating food that another hungry mouth could have? 

when i dont even want it? when i cant even justify a reason to myself why i am alive?

i know it’s only my third session with my therapist tomorrow, but i feel like i need to cut to the chase. look, you cant give me that chicken soup for the soul shit about life being inherently valuable. of course it is. of course life is valuable. so why isn’t mine? how do i value myself? how do i find value in myself? how do i create value in myself? what’s the fucking point of my life being valuable anyway? 

“if youre not good at something, just get better at it.” why? what for? why use that energy when others are already better? what is the reward? how do i value my value? how do i find reward in the potential to be useful? how do i care about shit? how do i care about myself? what reward is there in being useful, in being alive, other than that i’m already here and i’m too scared to die? what’s the point? 

Some Day One Day (Brian May x Reader); part 12

I’m sorry this took a while to post, I was unhappy with how it originally turned out and had to rewrite it a couple of times. Hope you enjoy it, next part will be up very soon, hopefully by tomorrow. The series is almost over :,)

tag list: @brighter-thanthe-sky @im-a-sheerheartattack @fruityfreddie @discodeakygotmorerhythm @killer-queen-xo @destiel-stucky4ever-loki-queen @alfinaldelarcoiriss @warren-lauren @kazzish @7-seas-of-fat-bottomed-girls @avengerraven1023 @imgonnabeyourslave

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They lived happily ever after since then.

At least, that's what I’d like to tell you, but we both know that’s not how it’s going to go, don't we?

However, things did go perfectly right for quite some time and everything in Brian and Y/N’s lives was amazing, especially their relationship. As soon as Y/N started her master course she got right into it, arriving at every lecture on time and with all her work done and ready to hand in, much to Brian’s happiness. All he wanted was to see her succeed, after all. At first he had offered to help her do her school work, but she obviously refused to let him do so, her pride taking over her rational side which told her that getting help wouldn't be such a big deal after all. Even when she did have classes with him she always rejected any help Brian offered, which kind of frustrated him, but he was even more proud of her when she got things right knowing she did everything by herself.

Then, right after school, he would drive her back to their apartment and they would spend the afternoon together, sometimes baking cookies for Emily and sometimes having sex for hours on end, depending on their mood. 

Mostly the ladder, though.

Y/N was in the second trimester of her course when something started feeling off.

She started waking up feeling something within her bugging her and she went to sleep feeling the same way.

She had been vocal about it with Brian, but even though he was keen on having a doctor visit her, she kept pushing her visit back, not wanting to cause any trouble to anyone and figuring whatever it was that made her sick would soon disappear.

knowing how easily she was affected by stress, she also figured that that could be the reason behind her sickness, after all she was still going through a hard time with her family and such, none of her relatives were particularly happy to find she was living with a man who was twice her age and had a daughter with another woman, but she couldn't be bothered to hide it either although she’d never told anyone that he was in fact her university professor, that was way too risky for anyone to be aware of. Still, most of her family were totally against it and a huge part of them had stopped talking to Y/N altogether, not that she was too sad about the loss, it was mostly just disappointment making her upset.

It could be the stress of knowing everything in your life is going great, cause that is in itself a reason to be stressed out, especially when you're used to dealing with constant chaos and people trying to mess you up.

It could be the immense love she felt for Brian moving around in her body everyday, which she often though would make her sick because she truly loved that man more than anything and anyone else.

It could be some of the things that little Emily offered her to eat when she played cook, they could absolutely be toxic for all she knew (she immediately felt silly for thinking something like that, knowing damn well how obsessed Brian was with double checking anything that came close to his daughter’s mouth to make sure it was safe).

It could be anything in the world and it was probably temporary anyway, so why would she worry the people around her? There was no need for it.

And maybe Y/N could have gotten away with it, if it hadn't been for her body giving up on her, quite literally.

It all started on a foggy winter morning, Y/N woke up feeling rather ill and couldn't bring herself to have anything for breakfast. Brian had tried to convince her over and over again, but there was no point in forcing her to get food in her system if she felt like she couldn't keep it down anyway.

She felt extremely nauseous and lightheaded, and Brian was worried knowing she was most likely not telling him just how sick she was really feeling, so he tried to convince her to stay home from school, even promising to collect all the worksheets she would need to catch up on her homework, but to no avail. Y/N was very stubborn and sometimes Brian wished she could just give into his requests when they came from a place of worry and care, but he knew it would be pointless to argue so he just forced her to take whatever medicine he had at home and got in the car with her and Emily.

The whole ride he kept an eye on the two girls in the backseat (Emily didn't like sitting by herself back there, so whenever Y/N was around she would always offer to keep her company) and soon realized Y/N seemed to be moving in slow motion, like she was too tired to react to what Em was talking to her about. Not that the little girl would notice anyway, she was rambling about something that had happened at daycare the day before and she had her usual bright smile taking over the features of her face. She was way too young to realize how pale Y/N looked and how distracted she was, especially because she tried her best to keep up with the conversation, mostly so she wouldn't worry Brian.

She even offered to walk Emily into the building where her daycare was, which Brian begged her not to do as a lot of people there knew who Emily’s mom was and he knew they wouldn't keep their stupid mouths shut.

He tried once more to convince his girl to get back home right before they got into the school parking lot.

“I can tell you're not feeling great, why do you do this to yourself? Just take a goddamn day off Y/N, you're not gonna miss that much anyway”

“Brian, you know how I feel about days off when they're not necessary”

“But right now it IS necessary! It’s basically written all over your face that you're sick, I've never seen you look this pale before and you haven't even had anything for breakfast, which is not only unhealthy but very unlike you. Please, I am begging you, just let me drive you back home, I don't care if I'm ten minutes late to my lecture, I'm sure everyone will understand”

“I’m not having this conversation with you again, Bri. I’m fine. I’ll see you in third period” was all she said before angrily stepping out of the car and slamming the door behind her, leaving Brian in his car to curse himself for pushing her too far. He should have just listened to her, if she needed something she would tell him without being forced to.

He pushed himself to get out of his vehicle and to stop thinking about Y/N, he had more important things to focus on: papers to grade, lessons to go over and his students’ questions to answer. He couldn't afford to let her distract him, no matter how much he cared for her wellbeing, after all she was a responsible adult.

They both went on with their day as normal, even though Y/N kept feeling worse by the minute. All the people who had seen her that morning could sense that something was going on, but only a few of them pointed it out to her, not wanting to seem rude. She had sighed deeply and ignored everyone’s questions, wondering if she really looked so bad that everyone in school seemed to be so interested in knowing how she was doing. 

She almost got into an argument with Joe because he too tried to convince her to go back home. After their ‘date’ at the cinema, Y/N had tried her best to distance herself from him, not only because she knew Brian didn't love the idea of them hanging out, but also because she was almost positive Joe was crushing hard on her, and she didn't want to lead him on or have to deal with any jealousy issues. Still, he tried to talk to her almost on a daily basis and didn’t seem to get the memo that she just wasn't interested, so Y/N dealt with it and stopped complaining, knowing there was not much he could do once school was over. On that day, however, he had gotten so much on her nerves that she couldn't help but slightly lash out at him, it was none of his business how she was feeling and she didn't want to admit how seriously worried she was starting to become for her own health.

So, she just isolated herself until third period eventually came, and she made a mental note to herself to apply some makeup before entering the lecture hall so that maybe Brian wouldn't be too worried about her if she didn't look sick.

However, she never actually made it to the bathroom as she felt herself slowly slip out of consciousness right as she was getting there and her body fell limp on the hard floor. 

18 - WARREN WORTHINGTON III X OC

Summary: a small thing based on the song “18″ by Anarbor but with a fluff ending 

Word count: 1,407 

Warnings: i almost cried writing this but its fluff so idk

A/N: SO you’re probably gonna see a lot of Graces and Maddys in here because they’re my babies and i like writing things to make them feel better

and my baby Grace deserves the world so yeah, i made this to her as a “thank you” for keeping fighting everyday 

love you b @imaginesandideas

-x- 

He parked the motorcycle pretty close to the school exit, knowing exactly what everyone would go out saying.  

Eighteen, crazy Pulled up in your daddy's car You wanna move in with me Guess we're off to a heavy start

Should've seen this coming From a mile away Eighteen, crazy I know what you want from me I know what you want from me

Her long ginger hair swayed from one side to another, tied up in a high pony tail with a golden bow matching her red, white and golden cheerleader outfit, as she ran to greet him with a tight hug and a deep kiss. All eyes on them as the scene happened.  

“How was your day baby girl?” he asked with a smile, wrapping her waist with both arms.

“Quite boring actually. Guess I should have texted you to pick me up earlier.” she pouted. “How was yours?”

“I just stayed with the boys and waited ‘til it was time to come pick you up.”

“Grace?” the girl’s sister called approaching the couple. “Warren?”

“Hey sis!” the younger sister smiled.  

“Jean.” the boy nodded with his head.  

“I’m going home with him today ‘kay J?” the younger ginger said biting her lower lip. “Sorry I didn’t tell you earlier.”  

“It’s okay... Just be careful okay G?”  

“I always am!”  

“Don’t worry Jean, I’ll take care of her.”  

“You better.”  

So if you wanna piss off your parents Take me to scare them Show them you're all grown up If long hair and tattoos are what attract you I would've tracked you Baby then you're in luck And I know it's just a phase You're not in love with me You wanna piss off your parents, baby Piss off your parents That's alright with me

“Grace, honey, who was that boy that drove you home today?” the woman asked while serving the dinner.

“Oh, he’s my boyfriend.” Grace answered with a smile, her ginger curls moving softly as she turned to her father who had just choked on his drink.  

“You left Ben to be with that boy?” the man asked harshly.  

“I didn’t leave Ben. He left me.” she corrected him. “Warren is a nice guy, dad, I swear! He’s one of Scott’s friends from college.”  

The sentence made the two adults turn to their older daughter in expectation of hearing a denying.  

“He is. They’re not really close since Warren is closer to Alex, but he’s a nice guy” Jean defended the argument.  

“I don’t like him.” the father stated.

“You don’t have to. I’m already eighteen, dad! I’m not a kid anymore! Shouldn’t you trust my decisions? Trust me? Support me?” Grace argued.  

“Grace Grey, you might be eighteen...” he tried to say but the sound of her fork hitting the plate stopped him.

“Don’t even come with that ‘while you live under my roof’ thing because it’s pointless. And above anything meaningless, after all you made a person, not a puppet.” she continued.  

“Don’t talk to your father like this, young lady.” her mom said in warning tone.

“Is it so hard to trust me like you trust Jean? When did I disappoint you that bad to deserve this?” she added before leaving to her room wiping a fake tear.  

You know I'm broke So you pulled out your daddy's car I drink, I smoke You ended up from the very start

Should've seen this coming From a mile away I'll play your game I know what you want from me I know what you want from me

“How did they react?” he asked leaning closer to her. She smiled and shrugged.

“My dad is pissed but I threw some drama and mom came to talk to me after dinner. She said that he might not like you but she’ll give you one chance.” she quoted. He laughed.

“That’s a good sign.”  

“Yes indeed.”  

He leaned back against the fence and lit up a cigarette.  

“Can I ask you something?” he whispered blowing a cloud of white smoke. She nodded, leaning on the fence but on the opposite side. “Do you hold any grunges against your sister?”  

She bit her lip, thinking about his question. That was never something she had ever thought about. Yet he was right in thinking about that. After all she came to him, asked him to pretend to be her boyfriend only to prove her parents that she had grown, that she wasn’t a kid anymore. But there was another factor on this story: Jean.  

There was something about how she was the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect girlfriend to her perfect boyfriend, Scott Summers, that drove her crazy. Living on her sister’s shadow for so long was a completely acceptable reason to do what she was doing.  

“Unconsciously, maybe. Jean always supported and backed me up, always...”

“If you want to give up...”

“Oh, no, I don’t. Who knows if I didn’t make all this up just to have a chance with you because I have a thing for bad boys?” she joked.  

“Who knows.” he repeated with a smirk, exhaling another cloud of smoke.  

So if you wanna piss off your parents Take me to scare them Show them you're all grown up If long hair and tattoos are what attract you Baby then you're in luck And I know it's just a phase You're not in love with me You wanna piss off your parents, baby Piss off your parents That's alright with me

He didn’t believe her “thing” on him would last long. But he couldn’t lie and say he didn’t like the way her hair seemed more ginger with that golden bow, or her lips met his every day after school. Or her arms around him when he drove her back home or to a date. He went to er school games just to see her cheering. At that point he just decided he would enjoy the time he had until she found some prep guy and leave him.

But the months passed and she wasn’t showing any sign that she would. The year went by and she started college but were still with him. Her parents started liking him and she kept calling him baby and sending him dorky pics while studying. Her roommate was already getting used to walk in and catch them both making out or sleeping together. She was still whispering love confessions to him while she thought he was asleep.  

And that was driving him completely mad.

“Aren’t you tired of me already?” he suddenly blurted out walking in her dorm room. “Didn’t you get more freedom from your parents? Why are you still with me?” he questioned crossing his arms against his chest.  

She sat in her bed, looking at him mildly scared and took a deep breath.  

“I know you won’t believe me if I say that I fell for you. But I did.”  

“How? How can a girl like you fall for a guy like me? You’re the perfect girl from the suburb. I’m the guy with daddy issues and smoking problems. You clearly deserve better!” With that words he realized how bad he had fallen for her as well. But he wasn’t selfish enough to keep her with him.

The room fell in silence while tears ran down her face and his.  

“As the younger child I grew up learning what I wanted, needed and deserved.” she whispered. “I just never thought I would find something that would fit the three categories.”  

“I’m not good enough for you Grace.” he mumbled.  

“Yes, you are! And that’s why I love you! Please believe me Warren!”

“You’re too naive, baby doll.”  

He turned around and walked to the door, ready to leave. The cold metal of the doorknob mixed with the sound of your sobs made him shiver. Did he really wanted to leave? Did he really wanted to do this to her and himself? Did he really wanted to throw away this chance, a chance he could never have again in his whole life?

He took a deep breath, running his finger through his blond curls and pushed the door, closing it with a bang. She screamed, scared.  

“But you’re my naive baby doll.” he proclaimed making his way back to her and cupping her face. “And I love you.” he whispered drying her tears with his thumb and kissing her deeply.  

-x-

taglist: @southside-sweets @batboys-and-other-messes @grandmascottlang @underoosstark @imaginesandideas 

requests are OPEN but i still have a few to do so they might take some time BUT THEY WILL BE POSTED I PROMISE 

and if u wanna be tagged in my next pieces just hmu 

im always open to make new friends so if you wanna just talk about life hmu too 

void

for the first time after a long time, i thought about being happy. i’ve been trying countless times to be someone i think i deserved, and i always fail. but this time it was different. it wasn’t targeted on my appearance, on other people’s reactions. this time i felt reaching at an end. im in a void, trying my best to reach something i don’t even see.

reaching for something. shoot for the stars. i’ve always avoided it. my belief was to go with the flow and not plan. i thought unexpected things were always the best. it was a cruel belief. it placed me somewhere i’m comfortable with, and when i want something i just raise my hand and act like touching it, but a foolish i am, just want the chase. i never crossed the line, i never reached the line. i was always in the middle. 

i want to feel things again. i want to live my life. when ems told me i should leave my house from time to time, asking me if i used my bike again... i was too stunned to speak. these days i’ve always calculated myself, what im saying, what i do. but at that moment i genuinely didn’t know what im gonna answer. i think it pinched me a little. those words touched me, it shaken my whole body, creating a wave, flowing through my veins, through my heart, and through my brain. 

now i see it. it woken me up. it made me saw that im in a void. i always referred to it as a black hole, but now i think it’s a void. im in a plane of nothingness, if that’s even a word. i exist. i am here. but im not moving. moving is a big energy for me, that i always want to find a reason to move for. i always asked “why”, i always want to make things deeper. and it’s crazy how well-aware i am but moving my fucking body is such a hard task. 

move. just FUCKING MOVE. do something. i know i was always afraid. and its terrifying. the real world is terrifying. it sucks. you feel like you were thrown into pit and forced to fight without any weapons. so what do you do? you improvised. you fight. and no matter how afraid you fucking are, you will always do something in that pit. it’s either you run or you fight. and i was always RUNNING. i never faced it. that’s why i im stuck in this cycle, because the thing that was chasing me is always the same monster. i never moved to the next level. i was just running, always running.

and fuck, I AM TIRED. i want to see the world. BUT HOW. I CAN’T FUCKING HELP MYSELF. I WANT TO GET OUT. I NEED COURAGE TO FIGHT. I BADLY NEED THE COURAGE TO FACE MY PRESENT AND HOPE FOR A BETTER FUTURE. i can’t even cry anymore. and i don’t understand why im not the same person i was yesterday when i don’t do anything but run. how did i change by running away?

i wish it was easy. i wish i can just say fuck it and im in a better place now. but no, life’s so fucking hard. it SUCKS. it had come to the point that being suicidal again is boring for me now. i don’t know what to do. WHAT I WANT TO DO. 

i wish i can tell people. it’s so hard to change myself now. and i want to go out. i want to leave. they’re noticing unresponsive i am. it sucks that  A LOT has changed. a lot that im too far for them, and they’re too far from me. reaching them seems impossible right now, and just pointless. it hurts. 

.

monthly ILLNESS post anyway kind of sucks that no one on earth seems to understand what im going through even in support groups even people with the same diagnosis dont get what its like to be diagnosed when ur 20 and have the constant reminder that youre terminal but oh maybe not and i kinda just wish some doctor would be like stop stressing about this bc ur DEFINITELY gonna die but no everyone thinks being vague and lying to me about what they know somehow helps. do u understand how bad it sucks mentally to be like well theres a 88% chance, statistically that you will die in 3 years but also that statistic is old but oh we don't have a new one and there's new treatments but the treatments will ruin your life worse than we already have and is there rlly a reason worth living if youre always in pain? surprise no one cares or asks you! tired of being called brave for being forced into this the brave thing would be like tell me when the fuck im going to die and then doing whatever instead im just being dragged along

like i guess if youre 30 something and have kids and a wife etc then it's cool to be like oh yay we might actually not die we might have 5 10 whatever years and i mean not getting into it but i think in the end i dont really want to die but what is the point of living miserably for ten years and then thats it. im so sick of posts being like oh your 30s are when u become a real person and then ur 20s ur supposed to do things and its like so im supposed to struggle through college and shit knowing that apparently i maybe wont die halfway through but instead as soon as i achieve anything

i dont get why its hard to see that it feels so fucking pointless to do literally anything on earth, forget a job what's the point of making friends with people if they just act shitty about your illness and you'll never be the friend who Isn't killing the mood by obsessing over death

like i honestly feel gaslighted not to misuse the word but i feel like i know ive been told so often in so many ways that ill die from this but also maybe not which is supposed to be some solace and its like do i do what i want and fuck myself over for the future or what

seeing a palliative neuro oncologist monday cause mines randomly out of office so maybe she'll actually care abt what i feel but who knows lol no one else does even when they say they do. lol at talking to people in depth about being sick + letting them follow my private account where i talk about it constantly + explicitly saying I need to go back to the hotel to rest after days and hours of physical activity all of which makes me Hurt and then them making it about oh i wanted to hang out with u. like ok well i want to not be dying but we cant all get what we want!! i want someone to actually not lie when they say they sympathize with what i am going through ! oh and i have an appointment the 14th to talk abt getting my Other shoulder replaced. yay quality of life

Bts reaction to you being suicidal. Jin and rap mon version.

Warning:depressing and suicidal stuff.

Behind the reaction: you and bts’s relationship was revealed and the fans absolutely hate you guys, and you fall into depression.

(Credits to gif owners)

(Again tumblr has that annoying 100 block cap... so these are going to be in different parts)

So I was requested this ages ago, Ive Just lost the request, so the anon who requested this, hope this is what you were looking for, and this took me a lot of thought and time, so do not think hat I’m trying to be rude towards anyone who suffer from depression. Thanks.

Anyways enjoy~~

Rapmon:

Namjoon never liked seeing you sad, or hurt, or anything other than being happy.

He loved you, with everything he had, and so did you.

But it seemed like his happiness and yours wasn’t enough for the harsh fans, they criticised your every move, if you even did one thing wrong, death threats came flooding through, you pretended like it didn’t bother you much, you pretended like you really didn’t care, but it bothered you more than anything.

Namjoon knew something was wrong when he hugged you and felt you ribs, usually you were more round, so before he felt your ribs he felt your skin, but this felt like you hadn’t eaten in days

“Y/n did you eat yet?”

“Yeah, I was hungry I couldn’t wait for you, I’m sorry, I’ll sit here and watch you eat”

“Okay”

You sat at the table, feeling slightly dizzy but you tried to keep your balance.

He sat and he lifted his spoon and scooped up a spoonful and pushed it towards your lips.

“Namjoon I just ate, I’m not hungry”

“You can’t even have one bit, please~ it’s from me”

You smiled and took it.

What he didn’t expect was for you to run to the toilets and throw up.

“See I know you more than you know yourself, tell me why aren’t you eating?”

You didn’t say anything, not wanting to disappoint your boyfriend, you kept quiet.

“Really y/n, I’m not going to eat, if you don’t eat”

“No don’t do that, you came back from practice you need to eat something”

“You just came back from work, you need to eat too, so why are you not”

“Namjoon why do you love me? I’m not even pretty, all the idols that your on stage with are much prettier than me, and the fans are right, I don’t even deserve you”

He kept quiet so you looked up, he looked heart broken, like someone told him you passed away.

“No matter how pretty they are to me your the only one that’s beautiful, if I wanted to date those idols I would’ve done that, but I want you, so you not eating kills me, don’t do that, or I’m not going to eat either, I’d rather die than see you hurt.”

Jin:

You and jin loved each other, Jin loved you and you loved jin.

But that saying, if you love them let them go, kept popping up on your mind, his fans hated you, to them you basically stole him, to them you were their enemy, and they were trying everything to get rid of you.

But as strong as you were, your heart started to damage, the love that jin gave you, selfishly enough, wasn’t enough to heal your slowly breaking heart.

Your smiles turned to frowns, your laughs turned to screams.

You guys kept fighting, more than you ever had, about usually nothing.

He was stressed from work, and you were stressed from all the hate that you had to sit through.

“DO YOU THINK THAT I DON’T GET TIRED, I COME HOME, TO THIS MESS??!?!”

He didn’t mean for the first voice you hear to be his screams, you were tired and sick, when’s everyone wishes your death, so does your body.

“IM TIRED TOO, THE HOUSE ISN’T EVEN THAT DIRTY, WHATS YOUR PROBLEM?”

“You know what, my fans are right”

He stormed out, what did he mean? Were you guys over?

You didn’t care, you couldn’t do it anymore, you didn’t want to do it anymore, the life you lived was just so pointless.

You walked into the bathroom, and found pills, all the pills that you could find, you opened them all up, and scoffed them down, and sat there, surrounded by empty bottles, you were so hurt and tired that you couldn’t hear the front door open back up, Jin had cleared his mind and was ready to apologise, what he didn’t think he’d see was you surrounded by pill bottles, all empty.

You looked up, and blacked out, Jin freaked out and called the ambulance, they took you and examined you, hours passed and he got no answers, he let his manager know of your situation, and he came running to help him with all the paper work.

You woke up hours later, your head still cloudy,

“Baby? Your awake”

You stayed silent, you didn’t have the strength to talk anymore.

“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry, I shouldn’t have said anything, I’m so sorry”

“It’s okay” you had no emotion, when you forgave him you usually looked at him, but this time, you didn’t, you didn’t even blink.

“I’m going to tell my manager to find everyone that hurt you, and for me, I’ll do whatever you want, I love you, I’m sorry please look at me, please?”

You didn’t, because you really didn’t have any reason to, you weren’t even sure if him saying he loved you meant anything, so you decided to ask.

“Do you?”

“Huh?”

“Do you really love me now, or are you saying that so I can stay and be your fill in”

“No.. never .. I wouldn’t even.. why? I’m sorry I really am, I love you, I would rather loose everything than loosing you, so why would you think that I didn’t love you?”

He started to sulk a little, you finally looked at him, tearing yourself.

“I’m sorry y/n I really am, can’t we just try again, if I don’t, I really don’t think I can live”

Hey it's soccor girl I have an idea mic is taking a shower and wraps a tail around her and she steps out to check her phone and rfa+v+v+vanderwood walk in on her with her towel on checking her phone and u know wat happens next hopefully this is not to hard thxs^^

ohhI see where this going so of course – I mean wrote something a bitsimilar but it was cleaning the shower so ill do it still .  Here thelink to that if anyone is interested TheRFA walking in while you clean the shower and you are naked

Never get enoughflustered RFA .

Sorry im stillquite sick im note sure if you can see that in this HC but if you doI am really sorry

suggestive oc

spoilers -

Zen

He is just in theliving room thinking of nothing evil.

Then you come inand well now he does think of evil thinks but he cant do it mean youare just showering.

He is not somebeast who can´t control himself.

You check yourphone and you see Zen who is really focused on you.

“Oh hey what areyou up to ?” You smile at him.

“Nothing really.”Zen tires to sound like nothing is going on.

“You look likeyou want something.” Its clear to you what Zen wants.

You slightly loweryour towel.

Zen gets the hint.

“Well actually Iwanted to take a shower too.”  Zen gets up and walks to you.

“So you want tojoin me or what ?” You ask and wink at him.

“I don´t thinkthat any of us will get clean then though.” Zen sighs slightly buthe smiles.

“Yeah I thinkthat is the point.” You smile mischievous and the towel drops tothe floor.

You take thatshower way later then you planned.

Yoosung

You walk  in theliving room Yoosung is playing a game.

So he does not evennotice you till you are right next to him.

Your phone is onthe desk so you stand right next to him.

“Hey didn´t youwant to take  a shower ?” He still not really looks he is focusedon his game.

“Yeah I justwanted to check something real quick.” You take your phone andcheck for the message you been waiting for.

Yoosung now looksat you and he sees your shoulders are naked he blushes

What are youwearing ? Oh a towel wait what only that…

His concentrationis broken he stares at you.

When you put yourphone back on the table you see that Yoosung is bright red.

“Don´t youwanted to play ?” You smile at him.“Yeah I think ill need totake break.”Yoosung feels really hot now thanks to you.

“You look likeyou are bit hot their want to take a shower with me to cool down ?”You know  that wont work.

“I think thatwill only make worse.” Yoosung turns even more red.

“Yeah it would bea bit uncomfortable anyways.” You smile mischievous.

“We better ofdoing that in the bed right ?” You ask and Yoosung is agreeing

Jaehee

You hear your phoneand you think its important so you go and pick up but its just a spamcall.

You see Jaehee sheis standing right in front of you.

“A spam callhuh.” Jaehee sighs.

“Yes quiteannoying.” You agree.

“You should goback an take your shower you seem stressed.” Jaehee smiles.

“Yeah that istrue but you must be quite stressed yourself.”  You know Jaehee isquite busy.

“Yeah I will takea shower once you are done.” Jaehee agrees.

“You can justjoin me Jaehee.” You smile at her.

“Are you sureabout that ?”

“Of course we canwash each other.” You wink at her.

“Okay just giveme a second to undress.” You never seen Jaehee undress thatquickly.

Jumin

You get out andwalk over to the table in the living room.

Jumin is sitting onthe couch you smile at him and take your phone.

“Is their areason why you stopped taking your shower ?” Jumin does not mind tosee you just in towel but its a bit careless.

“I just wanted tocheck my phone real quick.” You look at your messages.

“Are you surethat its all what you wanted ?”

“What do you meanJumin.?”“When you run around like that it makes me think youwant something.” Jumin stands up and goes over to you.

“Oh I see I amsorry Jumin.” You are about to go back to the bathroom.

“Well you have totake responsibility for what you started.” Jumin pulls you over tothe bed.

707

You come in and youget your  phone before you even notice Saeyoung sitting on his desk.

He looks at you andthen looks away.

You check yourphone and then put the phone back.

You go over toSaeyoung to check what he is up to.

“You should goback into the shower.” He tries to focus on his screen.

“I was just aboutto do that but actually you could use one too.”

“Hm yeah I willdo that later.” Saeyoung has more work to do even when hisattention it somewhere else.

“You should justjoin me. You could use a break.”

“You are notwrong with that…” He sighs.

Saeyoung gets upand you two take a shower together but it takes quite some time tillhe can get back to work again.

V

-he can see in thisone-

You go and walk toyour phone and look at the chatroom.

That is when hecomes in the room.

“Oh hey V.”

“Anythingimportant on their ?” V looks to your phone.

“Not really.”You put you phone back down.

“Would you mindit when I join you ?”

“Of course youcan join me V.” You smile at him.

“As a thank you Iwill clean you. “ V smirks and you bush.

Saeran

You walk out likethat and Saeran looks at you and you just grab your phone and checkthe chat.

“What are youdoing ?” Saeran sounds sightly annoyed.

“Just checkingthe chat.” You look to him.

“Can´t you waittill you done with the shower ?” Saeran sighs.

“I guess but whydo you mind that ?” Sometimes you wounder a bit about him.

“Well not reallybut you walking around here in nothing but a towel.”

“Yeah that istrue so what ?” you have  a slight idea what he is implying

“You aredistracting me…” Saeran rolls his eyes.

“I´m so sorry.”You lough and you shake your butt at him.

“I hope you knowwhat will happen if you do that.” Saeran gets up.

And you know it.

Vanderwood

You walk out rightin front of him and go over to your phone.

“Why are youwalking around like this ?” Vanderwood sounds annoyed.

“I just forgot tocheck my phone.”

You do just thatthere is nothing so you put it back down.

“That was quitepointless hm.” Vanderwood still looks at you.

“I thought Iheard it ringing.”

“It was not.”

“I see that now.I will go back in now.” You turn around and head back to theshower.

“You mind when Ijoin you?”

“You can joinme.” You not mind this at all.

Takea look at my Masterlistmy requests are open so drop by !

Mar 22 Blurr’s Horror Stream - Train to Busan

A brave, noble public servant died in this movie.

Prowl found out that Jazz has contact with the Dinobots in another universe that are also known as the Knights of Cybertron, and plans to contact him about them soon.

Welcome to the 'speedxstealer' room. The chat room has been cleared by the moderator. Ratchet: *pops in* B l u r r: / drags self in / Ratchet: *and heads for the Whirl hammock. he can be kicked out when Whirl gets here if Whirl so desires but right now the hammock looks comfy* FakeProwl: *appears* FakeProwl: ... Soundwave's not here yet. Whirl: *trots on in. Snack table first, hammock later* Ratchet: Nope. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Speak of the devil and he shall appear.* Whirl: *...but he does pause and bob his helm at Ratchet* FakeProwl: I'll wait for—oh. You're here. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Greeting pings to all* Whirl: *another bob* Ratchet: *return nods* Whirl: *all right. Let's see if there's anything new or interesting on the menu tonight. Whirl's sniffin away* FakeProwl: *claims a seat on Soundwave's couch* B l u r r: / there are some new liquid snacks / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Looks between Prowl and Ratchet. Shall he expect Prowl to sit with the doctor today?* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ah, that answers that question. Parks himself nearby.* B l u r r: / has his claw closed and settles in his seat. Sinks down into his couch / Whirl: *Prowl is not gonna sit near Ratchet, that would require him to go into the hammock ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage slinks in and makes himself comfortable on Blurr* FakeProwl: Ratchet's here. Hello. B l u r r: /reaches with his free claw to pet Ravage on the helm/ Ratchet: *yes Ratchet is sitting with Whirl tonight. and also like half asleep. sorry whirl ur gonna get slept on* Whirl: *one a scale of one to 10 how noxious is the strongest-smelling one* Whirl: *Ratchet has personal space privileges, he is allowed to fall asleep on Whirl* Ratchet: Heya, Prowl. ItsyBitsySpyers: (txt): Greetings. FakeProwl: I would like to sit with Ratchet. But I would like to sit with Soundwave more. However, I can sit with Soundwave twice a week, and Ratchet isn't here often. But Ratchet is sitting with Whirl. FakeProwl: I'll stay with Soundwave. Whirl: *looks up, amused* A horrifying prospect, I know. Ratchet: ..... B l u r r: / annoyed grumble and shifts a little to get more comfortable. Holding onto Ravage so they don't fall/ ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl (txt): Reasoning accepted. If Ratchet's position: changed, take rarer opportunity. Ratchet: *somewhere torn between giggling at Prowl's inability to NOT say what's on his mind and SLIGHTLY OFFENDED???? why does Prowl want to sit with Soundwave more. what.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage wobbles and... and sniffs.* B l u r r: [[ lemme know when you are all ready ]] FakeProwl: Yes. Good idea. If Ratchet moves I will move. FakeProwl: ((ready!)) Whirl: ((I am!)) B l u r r: / is being sniffed ? / Whirl: *returns to the hammock and gestures* Scoot. Or go sit with Prowl. Ratchet: [[ ready ]] Whirl: Either way I'm comin in. Ratchet: Hehe, your turn tonight. I'll scoot. B l u r r: [[ okay we start then ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage makes this face: http://www.petmeds.org/wp-content/uploads/2012/03/Cat-exhibiting-the-Flehmen-response..jpg * ItsyBitsySpyers: =Meat.= B l u r r: p[[ if yall are good to go ]] Whirl: *clambers up and after a whole lot of shuffling makes himself comfortable* B l u r r: ... Pardon? ItsyBitsySpyers: =Meat stink. On you.= ItsyBitsySpyers: *SNIIIIIIIFF* =Human.= B l u r r: .. /settles other claw on the couch. Keeping it closed / I just got back, that's all. Ratchet: *would also make himself comfortable, but too tired for any position NOT to be comfortable* Whirl: *looks about; is the usual crowd here? Anyone else wanna pile on in?* B l u r r: [[ is it still working? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Sniff. Sniff. Smelling along Blurr's arm. Paws at the closed hand* B l u r r: no of course LS is about to drop it ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((it is very freeze-y)) B l u r r: [[ hold on. LS has to get itself together ]] FakeProwl: ye, it's stuttery FakeProwl: ((that was supposed to be in parentheses)) B l u r r: LOUD SIGH. ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Matter of fact, yes. The twins both roll in and head for the hammock.* B l u r r: Im not in the mood for this today. ]] B l u r r: /makes a sound and tugs at Ravage a little. Holds claw up. / No. No, you can't get in there. B l u r r: [[ okay is it working now? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Gonna just. Climb all over Blurr and keep reachings* Whirl: *excellent; if either of them needs a helping claw whirl will scoop em on up* Whirl: ((it's running now!)) B l u r r: /makes a muffle sound/ Ah... Ravage, don't. B l u r r: / trying to keep his claw away/ Whirl: Whatcha got in your hand there, Teach? B l u r r: ... An assignment. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nope. They'll hop in and sit either side of Ratchet and Whirl* Whirl: ((RIGHT as the deer looked at the camera my roomie's cat leaped onto the back of my chair pfff)) B l u r r: oh my GOD LS COME ON. ]] B l u r r: [[ rubs face and just makes noises ]] Whirl: ((it's going all right for me, is it messing up for anyone else...?(( B l u r r: [[ it keeps dropping on my end and saying it's not showing ]] Whirl: ((ah)) ItsyBitsySpyers: =I want it.= Whirl: *Whirl is now in the middle of a veritable pile of tiny mecha; he contentedly takes a sip of his drink* B l u r r: / anyway. Yes. Keeping his claw up or trying to / B l u r r: [[ just fuckkking tell me when it drops. ]] Whirl: *pulls it back, disappointed; he can Whirl: t taste it. He offers it to the mecha surrounding him* What kinda project? FakeProwl: He's bad at giving gifts. FakeProwl: He should at least be able to keep track of the gifts he already gave his own creation. Whirl: Yeah, for real. Why bother making a little one if you don't want to be a part of its life? Seems pointless. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage contemplates biting Blurr's wrist* B l u r r: / do nOT / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Slowly opens mouth* FakeProwl: Maybe he made it accidentally. Apparently that's a common problem among humans. B l u r r: Do not! FakeProwl: But if that's the case, he should have given it to somebody who wants one. Ratchet: Try having sixteen. Makes 'em hard to keep track of sometimes. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Flattens audio receptors and flops down.* Ratchet: Keep track of the gifts they've got, I mean. Whirl: Pfft. And here we are, not able to make new Cybetronians if it was to save our lives. FakeProwl: He only has one. B l u r r: ... /vents/ It's just... it's my assignment. FakeProwl: You have eighteen babies? Whirl: *looks at Ratchet, a bit startled* You guys propagate? FakeProwl: ((... sixteen)) Ratchet: Pfeheh, not babies like humans have. And sixteen. ItsyBitsySpyers: =Assignment?= FakeProwl: ((i meant to say sixteen)) Ratchet: I built 'em. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Dinobots... who else?]] Ratchet: [[ prowl's brain is broken so bad he can't count ratchet's children ]] B l u r r: [[ is it even working?? ]] Ratchet: Dinobots, Aerialbots, Protectobots. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((it's working but it's jolting)) B l u r r: Yes, my assignment. He told me I /had/ to bring the cretin with me. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Ah. He sees.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: \\WELP, THE TRAIN'S FRAGGED.\\ FakeProwl: You created them? B l u r r: Very obnoxious... Ratchet: Uh-huh. ItsyBitsySpyers: =It has air?= *tail flick* Whirl: How did you make their sparks? What did you pull em from? B l u r r: Hnn? B l u r r: [[ LS please frickin stop... ]] B l u r r: [[ im not in the mood for your shiit today... ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: =Air. In your hand.= B l u r r: .. .Oh. /spreads claws apart / I forgot. Yeager: [ WHEEZE] FakeProwl: He's rude. Whirl: *his attention is IMMEDIATELY drawn to the wheezing person* ...where'd you get one of those, Teach? B l u r r: Hnnnh.. I was told to... watch it. Whirl: Well, good job, you nearly suffocated the guy. *zoops his nexk up to better view the human* Who're you? FakeProwl: That human looks like she's malfunctioning. I haven't seen humans malfunction like that before. Ratchet: Just needed to jump start the laser cores, that's all. Yeager: ... [cough wheeze . Looks around. ] Uh. [ oh wow that's a lot of bots ] B l u r r: / curls digits to cage him in just a bit / He's not MY human. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave glances at the human... ah. He knows that one. They're not a threat.* Whirl: Oh, no sparks? All right then. Ratchet: Vector Sigma helped with the Aerials, Wheeljack did it himself for the Dinobots. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He has seen this malfunction in other films.]] FakeProwl: What's everyone looking at? *leans to squint at the human* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...He does not like this malfunction.]] Whirl: Ah, yes. Zombies. FakeProwl: *never mind, back to the movie* Oh! Zombies. Yes. The ones that are like terrorcons. Yeager: Uh... Hi? Whirl: At least if I ever got turned into one I couldn't bite anyone. B l u r r: ... turn into one? B l u r r: Technically, I'm like that all the time. Whirl: Nah, they're not like you. You're a cannibal; they've lost their sapience. B l u r r: [[ is it working well enough to watch for you guys or is it too choppy? ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage reaches a paw up to try and oh so gently bumps the human with it. No claws though.* FakeProwl: ((it's very choppy)) B l u r r: I mean, depending on my mood, I could lose that, too. Whirl: ((it's a bit choppy on my end but I am p. sure that's my connection)) B l u r r: no, it's LS. ]] B l u r r: [[ Sighs. If you guys would rather not watch it, that's fine. ]] B l u r r: [[ If it's too choppy to enjoy, there's no point. ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((i'm still okay with it myself)) Whirl: Losing temporary control of yourself doesn't make you non-sapient. FakeProwl: ((i'd rather watch it)) Whirl: ((I'm fine continuing! I'm sure it'll smooth out)) B l u r r: [[ LS has been dropping since I started. B( I hate my luck right now )) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[This is not temporary control loss. This is death.]] Yeager: [ shifts back just a little to look at Ravage better ] Uh... hello there, cat. FakeProwl: ... You don't like terrorcons. Whirl: Yeah, I know. FakeProwl: I'm going to hold your hand. *takes Soundwave's hand* Whirl: Nah, I'd say Terrorcons rank about... number three? On Soundwave's List of Least Favorite Things. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[No. He doesn't.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: ((woop it finallyd ied)) B l u r r: They're just Empties. B l u r r: What's so scary about them Whirl: ((I think it just died? Oh, wait, I'll refresh)) FakeProwl: ((sound's going but screen's black)) B l u r r: [[ for all of you? ] B l u r r: [[ im resetting it. ]] ItsyBitsySpyers: @Prowl: (txt): These, disgusting, not spark-curdling. However, hand appreciated. Will accept if not withdrawn. B l u r r: [[ im getting tired of LS having a fit. ]] Ratchet: [[ yeh, for me too ]] B l u r r: okay i reset it. Do you see a pause screen? ]] FakeProwl: ((yep)) FakeProwl: ((can you rewind it a lil bit?)) Whirl: ((yes!)) B l u r r: WOW LS RIGHT WHEN I HIT PLAY YOU START HAVING A FIT ]] B l u r r: by now it's probably my net. ]] FakeProwl: I won't withdraw it. I prefer to be proactive on offering comfort. It's better to offer comfort when it's not needed than to not realize I should be offering it. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nods in agreement, takes hand.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Ah. The elder has been infected.]] Whirl: Empties aren't scary because they're just... Empties. But if they had the ability to turn you INTO an Empty with one bite, then they'd be more scary. ItsyBitsySpyers: =Greetings, Yeager human.=  *Teeth flash. Don't worry. He won't eat you in front of Autobots.* B l u r r: No, you're talking about the zombie combatants. They can infect us. B l u r r: Getting bit by them didn't hurt. Yeager: Who are you supposed to be? Whirl: All... right, so if you have zombies, then obviously these guys on screen aren't Empties, right? ItsyBitsySpyers: =Ravage. Hunter.= B l u r r: They act more like Empties than our zombie combatants FakeProwl: Calling them riots seems like it's downplaying the severity of the situation, but I can't think of a more accurate word. Whirl: Well, they have the danger of your zombie combatants. Yeager: Oh, uh. Well, nice to meet you, I guess? Yeager: Are you all friends with this guy? [ points at Blurr ] Whirl: Yep. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Slow nod and yawn.* ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Rampage?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave searches his dictionaries.* Yeager: Well, nice to know he's got other friends. I was worried this one was gonna be a problem. FakeProwl: I like your hand. It's weird. FakeProwl: Rampage. Maybe. Whirl: "A problem?" You his reformation officer or something? Whirl: *...Whirl privately agrees with you Prowl but he will NEVER ADMIT IT* Yeager: Reforma- no. No, he's just kind of a loner at family functions- B l u r r: / clamps claw closed again./ Go to sleep. B l u r r: / Blurr he's not a bird omfg/ ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave lifts his other hand to look at it and then over at Prowl. Question mark screen.* Whirl: Family? Sounds like you fell in with a whole new posse, Teach. *snickers* B l u r r: He's a delusional human. Whirl: Who's this family of yours? Yeager: [ muffled yelling ] B l u r r: An imaginative fantasy. Whirl: I wanna hear him explain it, Also. Air. B l u r r: / growls and releases claws again / FakeProwl: Yes. I like it. Your fingers are skinny and they fit between my fingers. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble mumbles something to Frenzy over comm. Frenzy looks over and nods.* Yeager: [ wheeze ] the hell... ItsyBitsySpyers: //So... I'm thinkin' quarantine zones is big ol' spaces, right? They probably don't got room for all everybody.// Whirl: Probably not. And they said there'd be military there. FakeProwl: ... It's quarantined because they've given up on it. Whirl: Looks like they abandoned the group. FakeProwl: They've left it filled with zombies. Everyone inside is going to be left to die. ItsyBitsySpyers: //So, uh... y'know... if there's like, one sick fragger in there...// Whirl: Then it's curtains. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Soundwave sits up a little straighter, pleased. The good kind of weird, then.* Whirl: Well. So much for the quarantine. Whirl: Heh. Nice. FakeProwl: He saved her. He's an obnoxious man but he maintains minimum standards of basic decency. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He seems to be a better creator than the other.]] Whirl: So it's only transmittable by bite? Whirl: Nothing if you get scratched or bled on? ItsyBitsySpyers: =You're here. Why?= FakeProwl: We don't know that yet. We only know that he would save a child's life. Presumably the other creator would save his child's life too if he hadn't been out of range. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He cares for another human's creation. The creator did not do this for his own until now.]] FakeProwl: Saving a life is the minimum standard for caring. You can save your creation's life and still not actually be there to train or take care of it. Yeager: why am /I/ here? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Glance. ... Nods.* Whirl: This guy kicks ***. Whirl: And has good taste in colors. FakeProwl: *manages, just barely, to keep Springer peripheral enough to his thoughts that he doesn't start talking about him out loud.* ItsyBitsySpyers: *That is why he didn't continue on in that vein, once he thought about it.* Yeager: Well... I was told to come witih him. B l u r r: More like I was assigned to spend time with him. ItsyBitsySpyers: =Why.= FakeProwl: ((the Danger Toilet)) Whirl: Under whose orders? Whirl: ((PFFF)) Yeager: Optimus. B l u r r: / groans / Whirl: Ahh. I see. *sly look* FakeProwl: Why don't they leave them in the washroom? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...He does not understand the purpose of the tape. They are not broken.]] Whirl: *this guy's Whirl's favorite character* FakeProwl: When they get somewhere safe they can rescue the people in the washroom. Whirl: They've gotta get them out sometime. FakeProwl: Maybe the tape will make it harder to bite them. FakeProwl: But then he should cover his whole arms. FakeProwl: They could get them out a different way. They could wait until they reach somewhere with power tools and then drill into the washroom from the outside of the train. B l u r r: don't give me that look, Whirl... Whirl: There's no guarantee help'll be waiting for them--it wasn't last time. And I figure they feel their loved ones aren't worth the risk of waiting for both the help and fo the washroom door to hold. FakeProwl: The zombies don't attack when they can't see people to attack. FakeProwl: If they get to their destination and no one can help, then they can risk going in this way. FakeProwl: Or they could at least go outside the train and walk up to car thirteen, rather than doing battle all the way from car nine to car thirteen. Whirl: They were trying to get in before. They don't know whether they'll forget or not. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He does not think the humans in the washroom will be able to hold that many off.]] FakeProwl: They don't need to hold them off. Zombies don't attack when they can't see anyone. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They are an elder, a small human, and a -- ah. They follow sound.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[If they can hear the screams, that may be why they are still by the washroom.]] FakeProwl: Oh. You can beat them in the dark. Whirl: *nods* Whirl: It's still a gamble--up until this moment, they didn't know that zombies forget so quickly. They might STILL be trying to get into the washroom. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage looks to Blurr. What look is Whirl giving him? What is this about a Prime?* Whirl: Look at these guys, working together. Brawn and brains. Nice. FakeProwl: Clever. But they can only do it once because they only have two phones. FakeProwl: ... Three phones, probably. They can do it twice. FakeProwl: Maybe three times if they can set an alarm on the phone. Whirl: As long as they save their people, they may only need once. FakeProwl: Get moving before they come out of the tunnel. FakeProwl: This guy needs to focus. He can talk about fatherhood once they have an escape plan. Yeager: [ relaxes and sits down to get more comfortable .] B l u r r: Honestly, she should have just stayed quiet. FakeProwl: He needs to stop shouting. He'll attract zombies. He might not know that but it's stupid until he knows for sure. FakeProwl: I'm scared by how slow they're going. They need to crawl faster. ItsyBitsySpyers: *He takes so many notes from these kinds of movies. Obviously the head destruction thing doesn't work, but other tricks. Like this.* FakeProwl: They only have two minutes. FakeProwl: I don't know if this is one of those movies where two minutes gets stretched into five minutes. B l u r r: they move too slow in general. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They must not make too much noise.]] FakeProwl: This is suspenseful. B l u r r: What a useless human. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Shakes his helm.* Whirl: Well, that's the ball game for him. Yeager: [ this is intense. Dad struggles are so real ] FakeProwl: He's obnoxious but he's not so stupid that he'll try to save himself after he's been injured. Whirl: *nods* Once you've been bit, all that's left for you is that good old blaze of glory. Yeager: He's saving what's important. B l u r r: Honestly, I would just kill everyone else in that car. FakeProwl: Importance has nothing to do with it. Everyone of them is important. He's saving the ones that can be saved. That's all. Yeager: Importance has everything to do with it. B l u r r: ...what a pity. He's trying to use fear as a weapon, but he fails at it. FakeProwl: Punch him again. B l u r r: Kill him, that's better. Whirl: ..and zombies on the other. Whirl: Ha! He's got screaming monsters on one side... ItsyBitsySpyers: \\HA!\\ B l u r r: and screaming monsters on the other side. FakeProwl: Quarantining them just in case is smart. Kicking them out is not. Whirl: ((...thanks ls for reversing those(( B l u r r: They're all screaming monsters, honestly. boomtank: -what did he wander in on?- B l u r r: At least the zombies have an excuse. B l u r r: They're all gonna die... B l u r r: I hope so, anyway. boomtank: Zombies? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[They should be working on disguising themselves from the zombies on the other side.]] FakeProwl: I hope they live. They're scared, and prone to mob mentality, but that's no reason for them to die. B l u r r: Let them in... B l u r r: Oh, please, let them in B l u r r: Let them be eaten! ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Those coats would go to better use on that door.]] B l u r r: K-KYAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Whirl: Honestly, that wouldn Whirl: t... solve anything. As much as I love wanton destruction. B l u r r: INSTANT KARMA! FakeProwl: Bad. Bad woman. No. Don't do that. Don't kill everyone. Most of them are innocent. Whirl: I mean, opening it will just mean more zombies, which is a greater danger to the kid. boomtank: .... FakeProwl: Even the guilty one doesn't deserve to die for it. boomtank: Right, I missed something boomtank: How much of the movie did I miss? Whirl: A good chunk of it. ItsyBitsySpyers: @Blaster: [[The humans are suffering a plague like the Terrorcons. Most of the train has been infected.]] boomtank: Ah... boomtank: Thanks, Soundwave. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Small nod.* boomtank: And Whirl FakeProwl: If that's Busan out the window, I don't think their odds are good. B l u r r: [[ can we just appreciate that they didnt make the pregnant woman a liability? ]] B l u r r: [[ like she didn't have to have the damn baby ]] Whirl: *bobs his helm* FakeProwl: But, this is a movie,nd movies typically have happy endings. Whirl: Anyway. That old lady was an idiot for doing that. Easier ways to off yourself if you wanna die so bad. FakeProwl: Actually, opening a door is a very easy way to off yourself. Under the circumstances that one involved the minimum effort. FakeProwl: However, she still shouldn't have done it because none of the other people in the car deserved to die. boomtank: Typically, Prowl, they do. This may not be one of those times B l u r r: Sure they did. FakeProwl: Yes. Typically but not always. I give this movie... 78% odds of a happy ending. Whirl: If you wanna get TECHNICAL, then--what I mean is, she coulda just thrown herself out a window or something. Whirl: Instead of getting herself eaten and making things more dangerous for the child. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Isn't so sure about the one who condemned the creator and tried to use fear as a weapon.* FakeProwl: That involves opening a window, climbing up to the window, and jumping out. And the odds that it would be successful are lower. boomtank: That's not a good reason boomtank: Following orders FakeProwl: If she jumped out the window wrong, she might only have grievously injured herself. Whirl: *doesn't care much what happens to the jerk, if it means endangering the child for no good reason* boomtank: Not when things go wrong like this B l u r r: Look, if your excuse is, "I was just following orders" , then you're not fully committed to the assignment given. B l u r r: And that means you're working on false pretenses. B l u r r: Which still makes it your fault, so. FakeProwl: So opening the door was the easiest way to kill herself. boomtank: Yeah... B l u r r: I mean, just commit to the assignment or shut up and leave. boomtank: You own up to what you did B l u r r: Mhm. Yeager: Oh shiit. Now what are they gonna do? boomtank: ....annnnnd that's not a good sign Yeager: [ he's totally invested ] FakeProwl: Maybe he committed to what he thought the assignment was but it turned out the assignment was something different. Whirl: *sighs, gathers his patience, and goes on* I didn't mean for it to be taken literally, Prowl. B l u r r: Then that isn't his fault, but shrugging it off as "just orders" is still just placing the blame on someone else. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Short, annoyed buzz at the screen* FakeProwl: Really?! B l u r r: He should still accept that what HE took part in was wrong. FakeProwl: Out of all the people to survive, it's them? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Why are those two alive.]] boomtank: That...is plausable Whirl: Yes, I'm aware of the word choice. Whirl: A damn shame. boomtank: Check before shutting doooors ItsyBitsySpyers: *Amused by similar thoughts despite annoyance. Squeezes the hand.* Yeager: I hope they all make it... FakeProwl: Based on what we know about their characters based on their limited appearances in this movie, those two were the ones least deserving to survive. boomtank: -has no idea who those other two survivors are- B l u r r: The conductor is a real one, honestly. He could have just taken off. FakeProwl: The conductor went outside by himself unharmed to try to find his passengers a new train. He's the real hero here. I'm rooting for the conductor. Whirl: *nods* boomtank: Same B l u r r: ... I think I'd like him to survive, too. FakeProwl: ((**unarmed. altho he IS unharmed. so far.)) B l u r r: It takes a lot of guts to go into situations alone with no weapon. FakeProwl: Yes. He is good. I like him. B l u r r: ... Ah, yes. I saw that coming. FakeProwl: I hope the two in the bathroom don't get eaten. But if they do I won't be sad. B l u r r: You idiot, you let them out? You're terrible at wrangling. boomtank: Oh you aft ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He let them out?]] B l u r r: Oh for pit sake... Whirl: Idiot let 'em out. B l u r r: Well... here they all come. boomtank: You dumb stupid PRIMUS you have got to be KIDDING boomtank: RUN FakeProwl: I changed my mind. His continued existence in the movie causes an increase in the amount of danger. He should die. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Agreed.]] Whirl: Close doors behind you! Yeager: Okay... even I gotta admit. Yeager: I'd kick this guy's asss. Whirl: HAHA, boomtank: ...yeah, I agree ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Kill him.]] B l u r r: ... Wow. You're pathetic. FakeProwl: Throw her at him. Whirl: She's going to EAT you. B l u r r: How did you survive that far and you just gave up after she got bit? You moron. boomtank: Kill her before she eats yoooooh she did FakeProwl: Let him be killed by the zombie he made. Whirl: I can't wait to see him get eaten. boomtank: Mooooove Yeager: This is making me anxious. [staring at the screen ] Whirl: Unless, by some cruel twist of fate, he ends up being the only survivor. B l u r r: No. No don't do that! boomtank: Move you, oh not you boomtank: no! B l u r r: Wow... B l u r r: Wow, you killed your only hero. Whirl: *sigh* boomtank: Can that one die now? FakeProwl: Not the conductor. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It can be difficult to take action against those who resemble beings who once mattered.]] B l u r r: All right. I'm ready for some murder. B l u r r: I hope they kill that guy. FakeProwl: The conductor deserved life. Whirl: He did. Yeager: Oh god, pull faster! FakeProwl: They all deserved life. Except the coward who keeps killing other people. Ratchet: [[ what happened to the conductor i'm so confused ]] Yeager: Get your kid!! FakeProwl: ((the jerkass threw him to the zombies as a distraction)) Ratchet: [[ he was in the train and then next thing i saw he was on the ground becoming zombie?? ]] FakeProwl: ((he ran out of the train to save the jerkass.)) boomtank: Oh no boomtank: No... Yeager: I hope the woman lives, too. Whirl: *sots up* Whirl: ...*sits boomtank: Noooo B l u r r: How do you humans run so slow?! Yeager: We don't have special upgrades to go fast! FakeProwl: Yes. Out of all of the people who should live, the woman should live most, because she's two people. Whirl: *unless you haven't yet noticed from his comments, Wirl is PRIMARILY invested in one character's survival* FakeProwl: That's twice the number of survivors. boomtank: Why are your Carriers so slow? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Has very much noticed.* Yeager: As long as they both get on the train, I'd be happy. B l u r r: they're gonna slow down the train... FakeProwl: It's a train. They don't have enough mass to slow it down significantly. boomtank: Now do they? B l u r r: Well, they are. FakeProwl: ... Maybe if ALL the zombies grab on. Whirl: But they might get aboard. FakeProwl: It would help. If they had. A. Conductor. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[....Are you certain?]] ItsyBitsySpyers: *That looks like an awful lot of zombies.* FakeProwl: When I made that comment there were only three of them. boomtank: Oh good Yeager: [ what an amazing father ] FakeProwl: I don't know the coefficient of friction of a clothed human body, but enough of them could have caused trouble. Whirl: ((Like. Mad props to the zombie actors here. I'm sure a lot is cgi but damn they are selling it and they are doing some mad stunts)) FakeProwl: ((yeah they are good at the twitchy jerky thing)) B l u r r: [[ some are CGI, and some aren't apparently! ]] boomtank: ...oh boomtank: Throw him over B l u r r: [[ I looked it up, though the source may be incorrectly translated. But it said a lot of them were real ]] Whirl: The one smart zombie WOULD be this guy. FakeProwl: Why does he know how to use the door? boomtank: Throw him over B l u r r: he's not fully turned yet. Yeager: Toss him off. boomtank: Now Whirl: ((Oh yeah I know not all of them are!)) FakeProwl: Maybe he hasn't finished turning. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Kick him.]] Whirl: Absolutely kick him. Why are you hesitating? boomtank: Off the train you go Whirl: Think about your child! Whirl: Idiot. Wasting compassion. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He isn't looking. Destroy him.]] Yeager: Your daughter is right behind you! Throw him off! FakeProwl: ... Too late. FakeProwl: Throw him while he's distracted by his grief. Whirl: *sits up more* boomtank: C'mon! boomtank: Nooo ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Pull him off with you.]] Yeager: ... I hope he cuts off his hand. Whirl: Well, time to throw yourself off. FakeProwl: That might not be enough. Yeager: Works in other shows, man. boomtank: .... Whirl: Why did you secure yourself. You've gotta throw yourself off. B l u r r: / nudges Cade with a claw / Not the walking dead. That's not this show. We watch that Sundays. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It is too rapid an infection. He has likely already used what time he might have had.]] boomtank: No FakeProwl: He chained himself. Good. If he turns before he can work up the nerve to kill himself, he won't kill the others. Yeager: [ he is going to cry ] Whirl: *well, okay. To say goodbye to her, if he knows he has the time* B l u r r: [[ this ugly movie is going to make ME cry ]] boomtank: ((same boomtank: ..... B l u r r: [[ ITS TOO LATE IM ALREADY CRYING ]] FakeProwl: Say you love her, you idiot. You're going to die, make your last words to her nice ones. boomtank: ((ah damn, too late B l u r r: [[ god korean horror is so great. ]] boomtank: ..... ItsyBitsySpyers: *Prowl doesn't mind if his hand gets squashed a bit, does he?* boomtank: -WHY- Yeager: [ this is very sad and he might be feeling emotions ] FakeProwl: *squash away* ItsyBitsySpyers: *He shall.* boomtank: ...no B l u r r: / nudges Cade with a claw and scoops him back into his palm. There. There there. / FakeProwl: He should have jumped off the side of the train. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Why?]] FakeProwl: There would be a chance he'd go under the wheels. Destroying his body would lower his odds of being able to damage anyone else. FakeProwl: By jumping off the back, he might have only been slightly injured. boomtank: What boomtank: No Yeager: Oh for fuckk sake. Let them live. boomtank: No, movie you don't do this Yeager: Come on... you've made it this far. FakeProwl: Those are a lot of dead bodies. Not zombified bodies, dead bodies. FakeProwl: Perhaps that means an effective defense has been made here. Whirl: Maybe the infection has some kind of burnout. B l u r r: Oh come on, don't start that scrap now... keep the parasite inside. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[The water has been polluted.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He wonders if there is any more inside.]] boomtank: ........ boomtank: ohno FakeProwl: The fact that that fence is ajar is concerning. Yeager: ... Oh god.  Please don't shoot them... boomtank: ohnononono FakeProwl: Oh no. Don't shoot them. boomtank: No Yeager: Do NOT. boomtank: no! B l u r r: / clamps claws over Cade / FakeProwl: No. FakeProwl: Don't. B l u r r: / releases claws / boomtank: -settles back- ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...Ah. The song.]] B l u r r: [[ i am cRYING ]] FakeProwl: Singing is stupid in the middle of a tunnel where zombies can only find you by sound. She's lucky it saved them. Whirl: That's a good song. Whirl: ((A GREAT FILM)) Ratchet: [[ *** me i got this far without crying but now i am bawling ]] Yeager: This movie was great! Ratchet: [[ i didn't realize when she was singing it earlier that it was aloha 'oe ]] boomtank: ((that was fun, aside from the feels gut punches FakeProwl: There were three survivors. FakeProwl: If that one man hadn't been an idiot, there could have been over twenty. B l u r r: / smirks a little/ Mm... foreign films are usually much better at storytelling. FakeProwl: ... All human films are foreign. B l u r r: Foreign for him. boomtank: -snorts- FakeProwl: Are you saying humans are better at storytelling than we are? Because I've never seen a human mystery as good as the classic Golden Age mysteries. Whirl: *sits up a bit and stretches as much as he can without dislodging his hammock-mates* B l u r r: / shrugs/ I don't know what you're talking about. boomtank: Foreign for who? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble quickly swipes his hand across one eye and then turns it into a stretch* Yeager: [ wave ? ] B l u r r: Him /lifts claw to show Cade off / This one. The human. From Earth. FakeProwl: Oh. FakeProwl: ... This isn't a foreign film to him. It's from his planet. Yeager: It's foreign. Yeager: It's not from the same country boomtank: -waves back- boomtank: Oh! FakeProwl: ... So? It's from Earth. Yeager: But we have countries and stuff from out of the country means foreign. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[It is like comparing Harmonex and Petrex.]] boomtank: ((LS you flipped that FakeProwl: I don't consider films from Harmonex "foreign." Whirl: Well? What did you guys think? *looks about, asking the hammock group in general* FakeProwl: I consider films from Harmonex "musicals." B l u r r: I rather enjoyed it. Yeager: that was awesome! ItsyBitsySpyers: *-Loud- huff.* FakeProwl: You humans have such tiny little bubbles to separate your "us" from your "other." ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...A fair point.]] boomtank: it was fun, from what I saw Yeager: Bubbles? My bubble was destroyed and invaded a while ago. ItsyBitsySpyers: //Was good stuff. Shoulda - shoulda had them fighters live. The tape ones.// FakeProwl: Your nation has been destroyed? Which nation were you from? By your accent, I thought you were American. Yeager: ... [ rolls eyes ] I was being figurative in speech. Whirl: Yeah, those guys were my favorite. I liked the rude one. FakeProwl: I'll admit lately I've only been keeping up with baseball news from Earth, but I'd think even they would mention if the United States— oh. Yeager: To be fair, my planet WAS almost destroyed ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YEAH! HE WAS REAL TOUGH.\\ FakeProwl: Yes, I know. We were the ones who almost destroyed it. FakeProwl: Don't use figurative speech with me. I'm bad at it. I was stretching myself outside my comfort zone by referring to nations as bubbles. boomtank: Wait. What timeline was this that almost destroyed Earth? Yeager: [ shrugs ] Yeager: I mean, I'm pretty sure Earth is still in deep shiit. ItsyBitsySpyers: //...'N the kid fighter's mate. She shouldn'ta died neither.// ItsyBitsySpyers: *But that might just be because he's thinking about Rosie again. Shh.* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\GROSS, FLESHIE.\\ FakeProwl: Earth was almost destroyed in a lot of timelines. Whirl: I mean. ideally, yeah. That wholeg roup of folks should've made it, if only to spite the others. ESPECIALLY to spite the others. boomtank: -huffs- Why is it that when I hear about most other timelines it's either their Cybertron is dead, or they've almost flattened other planets? Yeager: They didn't almost flatten us. boomtank: Really? Yeager: Well, not we as in me, but we as a species. Yeager: Technically, we got ourselves mixed up in the entire mess, too. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[That is what he wants to find out.]] boomtank: ...oh, brilliant. FakeProwl: Usually it's both: Cybertron is dead, and also they've flattened other planets. Yeager: Some people just don't know how to respect cultural differences. Don't know how to talk to people. FakeProwl: If that's untrue of your timeline, then you are in the minority. Congratulations. Yeager: Well, I mean, the WAR was brought to our planet, but it's not about that war anymore boomtank: Thanks? Yeager: as far as I know, that war is long over. No one won. Whirl: Anyway, I'm turnin in. *nodes Rumble, Frenzy, and Ratchet* Catch ya later, losers. boomtank: So, it does look like my timeline is a minority then B l u r r: / waves at whirl / ItsyBitsySpyers: *They punch Whirl's arms goodbye. boomtank: And yeah, having a war brought to your planet tends to do that...I think. Whirl: *Good. The best form of goodbbye* Whirl: And the rest of you guys--seeya! *bobs his helm and Blurr, then Soundwave* boomtank: -waves- ItsyBitsySpyers: *Nod.* Yeager: I'm not really mad about it anymore... Yeager: We gotta play with the cards we're dealt. [ shrugs ] I know who I stand by. boomtank: I wish you the best of luck then B l u r r: he's gonna need it. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[...You. Cade human. The one who looks like this.]] Puts Galvatron on his visor. [[You've seen him?]] B l u r r: Even if he HAS helped take down an enemy or two. boomtank: ...most likely Yeager: I'd like to think that Lockdown counted as two enemies- what? Yeager: [ squints and leans forward ] Uh, not in a long time. Not since the whole fight in Shanghai. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Did he perish there? Do you know?]] FakeProwl: *glances at soundwave.* Oh. *then squints at the human.* I recognize you. We saw a documentary about you. Yeager: he sort of threw a hissy fit and disappeared. Yeager: You, uh, did? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Clears his screen. He thought so. Damn.* boomtank: Oh. That was a documentary? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Your assistance has been noted.]] Yeager: We're still looking for him, though. FakeProwl: You're the pathetic excuse for a father who financially endangered his own child's odds of a successful life by prioritizing your own projects over a sustainable income to support her education. Yeager: [ makes a face ] FakeProwl: And suppressed her natural inclination to socialize and date in an age-appropriate way with her peers. Yeager: Did I ever say, anywhere, that I was father of the year? No. ItsyBitsySpyers: *That's either horrifying or hilarious. He's sort of leaning toward the latter.* boomtank: -snorts- Proooowl FakeProwl: And displayed such great immaturity that at a young age when she should have focusing on her own growth, she had to devote a great deal of her time to taking care of you and cleaning up your messes. Yeager: [ opens mouth to talk ] B l u r r: / clamps claws over Cade and hisses through his denta / ItsyBitsySpyers: *The twins "oooooooo" in the background* B l u r r: I don't care about human issues. Yeager: [ halfway crawls out from between two digits ] boomtank: -snorts again, and shakes his helm- ItsyBitsySpyers: \\YA GONNA TAKE THAT, FLESHY? I MEAN, IT AIN'T WRONG, BUT YA GONNA TAKE IT?\\ ItsyBitsySpyers: *Rumble snickers softly* Yeager: Again, did I EVER say I was the best father ever? No. No, I never did. I made mistakes because I wasn't prepared to BE a father, but I did my damn best. Yeager: I told her I was sorry and I let her go. ItsyBitsySpyers: *....Rumble JUST NOW REALIZES what he's hearing* ItsyBitsySpyers: *His optics brighten about 400%* ItsyBitsySpyers: //Everybody shut the frag up a sec.// FakeProwl: I don't know how to shut up a sec. B l u r r: What a surprise. ItsyBitsySpyers: //...'Cept you.// Disappointed look. //False alarm. Never mind. Get talkin' again.// FakeProwl: Not really. I still have processor damage. boomtank: Are your comms. working? B l u r r: What a pity. FakeProwl: Whose comms? Who are you talking to? boomtank: You, Prowl. FakeProwl: Oh. Yes. They are working. Why? boomtank: Try concentrating on using that for your talking if you want to be quieter FakeProwl: I can't. FakeProwl: If the person I'm talking to is within hearing range I just talk at them. boomtank: Oh. B l u r r: To them. FakeProwl: And sometimes when nobody's in range I make open broadcasts on my comm that I don't mean to make. FakeProwl: It's very frustrating. FakeProwl: No, not to them. At them. boomtank: That does make things a bit...awkward? FakeProwl: "To them" would imply that my speech is an intentional attempt to communicate something to a person, rather than an uncontrollable action happening vaguely in someone's direction. B l u r r: It's not that bad, honestly. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Bright optics again. He's gonna mutter along with this.* FakeProwl: Right now, I'm only partially talking to you. I'm mainly talking out you. Only a small portion of this is deliberate. FakeProwl: **at B l u r r: / shrugs pauldrons / Aren't you getting repaired? FakeProwl: Yes. See. They have the pipe out of my head now. I have a temporary patch. But my optic is still in my head. They haven't removed it yet. FakeProwl: The pipe is removed. FakeProwl: ... Oh. You can't see. This is my hologram. B l u r r: Obviously. FakeProwl: ((LS don't SWITCH MY MESSAGES)) B l u r r: / scratches at his helm finial./ What's wrong with having your optic in your helm? ItsyBitsySpyers: \\IT'S TRUE THOUGH.\\ B l u r r: You're lucky it's still there at all. B l u r r: / snort / FakeProwl: Yes, I am. If it had been moving slightly faster I'd be dead. B l u r r: / shrugs/ I've seen worse. FakeProwl: But what's wrong with having my optic in my head is that it's putting pressure on my brain module and causing damage. FakeProwl: Yes. You have seen worse. You are worse. B l u r r: Oh, yes I know. FakeProwl: I know you know. B l u r r: Your medics move slow if your optic is still in your helm... FakeProwl: They are being very careful about figuring out how to remove it because it's putting pressure on my brain module. FakeProwl: So they want to make sure they don't do anything to increase that pressure or damage my brain when they remove it. B l u r r: K-Kyeheheheh. There's nothing /wrong/ with me, actually. It's just all damage. FakeProwl: Damage is something wrong. B l u r r: / shrugs shoulders / I bet my medic could have done it just like that /snaps digits/ But, alas, he's out of town. B l u r r: There's nothing wrong. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Hand twitch. Doesn't notice.* FakeProwl: I wouldn't trust anybody who says that they'd take the optic out just like that. I'd rather someone do it slowly and carefully. FakeProwl: *doesn't consciously notice the hand twitc; but fingers twitch back, curling tighter.* ItsyBitsySpyers: \\I PUT MORE WIRES BACK IN YOU THAN YOU GOT 'N YOU AIN'T SEEN NO MEDIC STILL?\\ B l u r r: If that's what you prefer. B l u r r: Me? My medic has seen me. FakeProwl: It is what I prefer. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh, Soundwave likes that line. He's saving that line.* FakeProwl: I want to be careful. If I lose my ability to track trajectories I'll need to be euthanized. I don't want to die. boomtank: ....come again? ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You will not lose your ability to track trajectories.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[You are under good care.]] FakeProwl: I hope not. I think I will probably be okay. B l u r r: Then stop worrying about it. ItsyBitsySpyers: *This time he notices it cause he means to do it.* B l u r r: You're talking like your medics know what they're doing. FakeProwl: I can't not worry. I can't not consider all the possibilities and prepare for them. B l u r r: / shrugs / FakeProwl: I am built to consider the possibilities. Yeager: Well, good luck on everything. I hope it works out. [ genuine concern ] boomtank: Wait. Waaaaait wait, you'll be /killed/ if you lose that ability? Yeager: Fixing Prime's processor was a big challenge, but I can't imagine what everyone else's looks like. They're all different. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Hook was the finest Decepticon medic he knew. His work was meticulous. He disliked taking his deployers to anyone else.]] FakeProwl: No. I won't be killed if I lose that ability. B l u r r: Hook?! K-KYAHAHHAHAA!! B l u r r: / kicks a pede out. Wheeze. Cackling / FakeProwl: I will ask to be killed. boomtank: ...but...seriously? FakeProwl: Yes. Seriously. B l u r r: When you run out of purpose, asking to die is kind of expected. B l u r r: I did that a lot. /shrugs/ Master never saw it through. B l u r r: I mean, he almost did that one time he fed me to Grimlock... but, he pulled me out last second. FakeProwl: Grimlock eats people? B l u r r: Ours does. boomtank: .... Yeager: Ugh, mine just eats cars in the junkyard. ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Eats mechs, collects helms...]] Yeager: I think he ate a few KSI bots. FakeProwl: I always thought his alt-mode mouth ended at the back of its head. I didn't know it came with a throat. B l u r r: Depends on the Grimlock. FakeProwl: You. Human. You know Grimlock? Are you still in contact with him? Yeager: Yes. Yeager: He lives with me. FakeProwl: Can you put me in contact with him? ItsyBitsySpyers: *Oh! Yes! The Knight. Eagerly listens* Yeager: With Grimlock? Uh, well... I can try. Yeager: The Knights don't talk to people often. FakeProwl: Which one of them would be most willing to talk to an outsider? Yeager: ... I don't know. It takes them a lot to listen to ME. Yeager: I'll try asking Grimlock if he wants to talk to you. Yeager: The only person they seem to really REALLY talk to is Jazz. FakeProwl: Jazz. Jazz. Good. I know Jazz. FakeProwl: I will ask Jazz for his help instead. Yeager: But, Grimlock particularly talks to Jazz. No idea why. Yeager: And they get along with Crosshairs and Drift. Hound and Bee. Yeager: Then again, can't really hate Jazz. He's got that good personality. boomtank: ...? Yeager: ... Wait, I lied. Grimlock seems to communicate with Optimus, too. Yeager: Can't understand a word of it, but he listens to Optimus. B l u r r: That's why they communicate. To be perfectly honest. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Frenzy squawks and falls off the hammock laughing. Can't really hate - boy, the Boss must be rolling his optics back there* B l u r r: Optimus punched him really hard in the face. FakeProwl: I don't know your Optimus. But I do know either your Jazz or a Jazz similar to yours. B l u r r: / YOUR BOSS IS HELPING JAZZ EXCUSE U / ItsyBitsySpyers: *Hey, the human didn't specify. They just said Jazz, general* Yeager: If it's the guy with the etch marks, he lives with me. Yeager: Well, on my property. Sort of. He comes and goes. boomtank: That Jazz? How's he doing? FakeProwl: There might be multiple Jazzes with etch marks. Yours or one similar to yours. Yeager: Right... FakeProwl: I will make contact with him. He will help me contact Grimlock. Yeager: Oh, last time I saw him, he was doing... okay, I guess. He was talking funny and kept asking me if everyone was okay. Then he left. boomtank: ...oh great. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Places pictures of the one he knows up to try to be of service. This one?* Yeager: ... yeah, that's the one. boomtank: The one with the glowing etch marks and feels kinda...funny? FakeProwl: Yours or one similar. Yeager: Listen, as long as you guys don't cause any problems, you can visit any time. FakeProwl: Alternates are always a possibility. FakeProwl: I can't visit any time. I'm in jail. FakeProwl: Kind of. Nice jail. It's an apartment. It's very fancy. But I can't leave it. Yeager: .. Right. Well, give him a call then. FakeProwl: The Constructicons think it's awful but I think it's the best place I've ever lived. Yeager: He hasn't answered so far, but. You know. Maybe. B l u r r: Anyway, I need to get this cretin back to Optimus. /moves to stand and grabs Cade in his claw / ItsyBitsySpyers: [[He - this one - is not jailed. He can travel there, if necessary.]] FakeProwl: Yes. I will call him. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Though he hopes it isn't. Most of the humans there remind him of MECH gone wild.* FakeProwl: Soundwave, you can visit if someone needs to. ItsyBitsySpyers: *Ravage hops off Blurr* boomtank: G'night then Yeager: Well, if you ever DO visit [hanging on to Blurr here ] I've got a safe place. Yeager: Totally secure. ItsyBitsySpyers: =Perhaps.= Yeager: Well, see you guys later. ItsyBitsySpyers: *A small nod.* B l u r r: / scowls and clamps claws. Grumbling/  I have some errands to run as well. So... continue talking, but my ship will be moving soon. boomtank: -waves- B l u r r: So, if you don't want to harvest energon, I suggest leaving in the next twentyminutes. FakeProwl: If it's moving, I won't be able to stay here. My hologram will disappear. FakeProwl: I should turn it off anyway, so I don't strain my processor. boomtank: Right, time to go then. Thanks for the movie. B l u r r: sorry the stream was so choppy. I'm sorry! ]] B l u r r: [[ but i need to go cause im going to see beauty and the beast  >>;;; ]] B l u r r: [[ so u guys have FUN ]] FakeProwl: The conductor should have lived. ItsyBitsySpyers: ((bye speedy!!)) FakeProwl: ((bye~)) ItsyBitsySpyers: [[Farewell, Blaster.]] ItsyBitsySpyers: [[And yes, he should have.]] boomtank: It was fun, and have fun at the movies)) boomtank: -waves to Soundwave beore leaving- boomtank: g'night!)) ItsyBitsySpyers: (txt): One secret decided. Prowl will know when Prowl: repaired. Still choosing others. If processor: strained, rest. Health before company. FakeProwl: Oh. A secret. Good. I'll look forward to it. FakeProwl: I will see you later. FakeProwl: *flickers out* ItsyBitsySpyers: *Heads off himself*

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere. 

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well. 

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything. 

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore 

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends 

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth 

Written a few weeks ago...

So last night I tripped acid for the first time. As many people would describe to you, it was a very different feeling. The world moved, I saw things that werent there (but not in a scary way in a “shapes turn into images and those images turn into neverending patters”), I feel closer to my boyfriend, who I know will eventually be my husband, and I feel like I have more of an understanding of life. I know that sounds generic as fuck but its the truth. Acid slows your mind down so much that youre able to really be in the moment of life and enjoy it to the fullest while its also running like crazy. The amount your brain is able to process is absolutely amazing. Like fuck dude. Science. Bodies. Creation. Fuck. The simplest way to describe this for someone who hasnt experienced it before, is that your mind is focusing on one thing but your eyes are taking so much in and you cant turn your eyes off. Literally. When I closed my eyes I was still seeing things. My mind was still bringing up things to stimulate myself with. Constant stimulation. With that constant stimulation I came to realize just how bad my self esteem really is. Whenever my boyfriend would leave me alone to go talk to someone else in the house we were in, the doom of all the negativity of life came crashing in. I couldnt wait for him to be back so I could hold him again and focus on him, and not myself. When we went downstairs to hang out with the other people in the house I.... fuck I lost my train of thought. Even though my mind isnt still technically on acid, as Im trying to recall the events it feels as though I took a part of the evening with me. Anyway, I think the reason I lost my train of thought a second ago was because downstairs was a whole other world. Upstairs and downstairs were totally different worlds. Then there was the outside. Fuck dude. Outside. Before I did it I read up on what you should do to prepare for acid and one of the things I read was that you should take it on a day thats nice so you can go and enjoy the outside. But last night wasnt nice out. It was cold and rainy and windy. We were in 7 different environments. My bf and I upstairs, my bf and I downstairs, my bf, his sister, and I downstairs, my bf, his brother in law, and I, downstairs, Then the outside, and inside. I dont feel like the above paragraph makes much sense to any sober person reading it. Please erase from your memory. I know that my words have probably already been hard to follow (thats how the drug is, jumping) but one of the main things I wanted to touch on was that we had one of the super expected line come into play. The “what if this is our reality and we somehow become who we are on the day to day because of some unknown reason”. A common one you may have heard is that oxygen makes you feel normal. But honestly, I dont think its anything outside of social conditioning. People kinda make fun of me for being so into psychology because it has no real use in the way that you can take it and make something of it. Physically. But I honestly think in the way that Im deciding to spend my time dedicated to psychology, that Im doing more for the world than the average person going to work and coming home and coming to work and coming home. Im fighting the real battle. Im fighting against being a sheep and going with the flow. Im challenging life and asking why. Why do we do what we do if it makes us so fucking miserable. I think I may have found a serious part of it. Back to my super expected question of “what if this is our reality and we somehow become who we are on the day to day because of some unknown reason”. Stay with me here. I know my mind is jumping so hardcore right now but please stay with me. Theres a book that Ive been reading about buddism and one of the main things that buddists want to do is reach enlightenment. The way they try to reach enlightenment is by “being in the moment” and living everything. Constant mediation. I felt like this experience really allowed me to live in the moment and follow what I want and feel. To be the truest form of myself. Once again, back to the question. The unknown reason I believe is learning. See, as a baby over time we obviously absorb a lot of information and the people around us. We study body language, voice tones, what is acceptable and what isnt, etc. My point in my previous sentence is that we are conditioned. We are conditioned to become what the things around us taught us to be. If our mother laughs at a joke, we learn to laugh at the same things. We are conditioned as fuck to be what the world around us wants to be. Imagine two worlds. The world we live in, and the world of enlightenment. I really dont know how we reach enlightenment but I believe that last night was a good precursor. Though meditation, which is basically what we did all night, I was allowed to process things I didnt understand and come to this conclusion. Hopefully I will be able to continue this process while sober so I can process it at a slower rate and understand it in a way where I can explain it. In a weird way, I feel like the way I was while tripping was the way I am on the day to day, Im just never allowed to focus on it.

Fuck.

Theres so much to go over. I want to go over the spiritual part of it all for the knowledge of others and their enlightenment. I want to face my personal issues because its a huge fucking problem. I didnt realize before last night just how fucking bad it was. I mean, I knew it was bad. I knew that I wanted to never exist because life is so fucking pointless its pitiful how much people try to make it work, but last night I was able to process just how bad it was. *insert crying laughing emoji* the fact that I just said life was pointless and theres no point to anything probably seems like a huge deal but it wasnt. The bigger deal is that thats how I feel but Im not going to give up because my purpose is to help humanity come a little further along to understanding that purpose. Its strange to come to the realization that my life will have no actual end (as in a beginning and end of a book like the end of sex). It will continue with the next person fascinated by psychology and the meaning of our purpose. Just like all the other people in history who have done amazing things. Benjamin Franklin took one step toward understanding electricity and bettering lives of the others ahead of us. I hope I can follow in his footsteps and create a better life for the people around me and in the future.

I really wanna keep typing but Im getting tired so Im going to put this down for a minute.  

I took a shower. Get readly for another dose of your fav ginger. One of the topics we touched on was our day to dday masks. On the daily we tend to put on a mask of how we want others to percieve us. When we were going from upstairs to downstairs one specific event I remember so vividly was looking in the mirror before we went and trying to make my hair look nice. I was trying to go from a spiritual expierence to trying to be my normal self. I dont like my normal self. Its not me. Its not who I want to be. Ive been trying so hard to be what tohers want me to be that Im totally forgetting to be myself. To be what makes me special. I dont wanna put the mask back on. Phantom of the opera is a story about removing your mask. Its one of my fav movies and Im only just realizing it.