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autisticlancemcclain · 11 months

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fic rec friday 25

welcome to the twenty-fifth fic rec friday! where, on friday, i rec five of my favourite fics.

1. ladies and gentlemen we are rocking in space by @mayerwien

LANCE do u like the taste of spam, van kieu because thats what ull get 1 glorious terabyte of def-not-garrison-approved viewing matl every hour on d hour

KEITH And now you’re blackmailing me. Wonderful. Look, I’ll tell you, alright? Not because your threat scares me, but because I’d like to cut this conversation as short as humanly possible.

LANCE glad ur being so cooperative ;) ;)

Lance gets a new flight simulation partner. Lance makes a bunch of mixtapes. Lance falls in love?

Galaxy Garrison + texting au. For the Klance Zine!

i can confidently say, in my 6+ years of being a klance stan, i have never seen anything like this before or since. this fic is AMAZING. completely new idea, hilarious, sweet, and totally untouchable. i’ve always love testing fics that are done right (bc theyre always funny), and does this one ever knock it out of the park! the dynamics are amazing and the rivalry is EXQUISITE. bonus of vietnamese keith and filipino lance, and this one line (it’s a spoiler so im not going to put it here) that actually knocked me out of the water. its about the CHOICE.

2. But You’ll Peek Through by Barkour

It's weird, the things you get used to when you've been stuck in space for years. How much you miss home. Socializing regularly with only six people. No wifi. Your cranky boyfriend.

this is one of the earliest vld fics ever written, and it has a CROWN idk. this fic makes me feel so many emotions all at once. like i miss u 2016 fic i miss u keith gyeong i miss u bitchy klance i miss u early voltron found family dynamic i miss u old lance’s family headcanons i miss u bamf team. rip to the earliest voltron fandom (also. how did this author know about romelle. in 2016.)

3. Pull Me Closer by @thewriter2

An ancient power dwells in Lance’s very bones. It hums a sweet song of the sea in Lance’s ear, calling him to the water. Keith’s bones are on fire as the very spirit of the flame lives in him. However, it’s these ancient powers that begin to pull them together; that shows them how to properly balance each other out

i SEARCHED for this fic. i made half my followers search with me too. this fic is bamf lance to the fucking max, and its AMAZING. how many of you have wanted waterbender lance so badly you could barely speak? firebender keith? if u said u didnt then ur lying. this fic has literally everything you could ask for in a canon divergence

4. The Homestead by @devooshawrites

Keith is hired for the summer to work on the farm of the McClain family. He and the youngest son of the family become good friends, though Keith might want more.

i am so fucking in love with aus like this. cowboy or farmboy where theyre quietly in love in their own bubble of the world?? i cannot get enough of them. i would read a million of them. this fic in particular is SO soft and tender, it is so so important to me. ive read it so many times. its one of those fics that brings a smile to your face that u literally cannot fight back

5. Prince Charming by @taylortot

Lance thinks that Prince Keith is just another stuck-up royal with an attitude problem until they spend some time together outside of the palace and he discovers that he couldn't have been more wrong.

Written for The First of Forever Zine!

this fic is SO tender it is sickeningly sweet. “rivals” to friends to lovers is so special to me, and no one does it like taylortot fr. love is stored in the tender moments away

that’s it for today!! i’ll see y’all back next friday for the next fic rec post!!!

#i am almost out of my most favourite ever vld fics i will have to move to all my other bookmarks in a couple weeks!!#vld #voltron #lance #lance mcclain #keith #keith kogane #klance #modern au #historical au #bamf lance #vietnamese keith #filipino lance #fic rec #fic rec friday

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whoreanghae · 2 years

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snowstorm ; chwe hansol

genre - friends to lovers, stuck together, theres only one bed trope (if u squint)

wordcount - 2.1k

disclaimers - lowercase was on purpose, fic under the cut ofc!

a/n - another friends to lovers sorry i just will forever love this trope so much, also the fts highlight medley is SOOOO good shadow is my song i think. i just finished this and its currently 5am so i apologize for any issues <3<3<3 enjoy

as draining as it was, you always found each day filled with classes to be somewhat rewarding at the end of the day, even if said reward was knowing it was your last class before the weekend. as you unlocked the door to your apartment, all you could think of was spending the next two days ignoring the pile of homework and assignments you have to work on. you made a beeline straight for your sofa as you toss your bag onto your kitchen table. you relax for 30 seconds, eyes closed, soaking in the artificial light from the lamp plugged in next to you. that is, until the trill of your phone ringing snaps you out of your trance. you pick it up, not bothering to open your eyes.

“hey,” you said, sounding more tired than expected. the voice on the other side sounded slightly more awake than you did. “are you done with your last class? if so what are you doing right now?” all the questions were enough to wake you up from your daze.

“i just walked in the door like 2 minutes ago, and i am actually free!” it was rare that yours and vernon’s schedules matched up. between his promotions and practicing, and your university lectures and assignments, it was proven difficult to find time to spend with eachother. thats why whenever possible, you would both be open to doing the most mundane of things together. whether it be running errands or just watching some random netflix show and eating popcorn. you both found comfort in the relaxed nature of it all. it was very you.

“wanna go get coffee?” he said, already expecting a yes. and of course, he got the answer he expected. “of course i do, and im buying this time! you paid for mine last time, now its my turn.” your smile could be heard through your voice. “fine, but im ordering the cheapest thing on the menu!” you rolled your eyes. vernon was always adamant on people not spending money on him, but you always evaded that rule whenever you could.

you groaned sarcastically, making vernon chuckle. “alright, im on my way now, be ready or else im never taking you anywhere ever again.” you giggled as you stood up, throwing your jacket back over your shoulders. “you’d never last a week without me.” you said tauntingly. vernon couldnt help but smile. your friendship had always been like this, constant teasing and sarcasm. “shut up, get ready. he said, trying to suppress the smile growing on his face. “i will, see you soooon.” vernon mumbled a bye as he hung up the phone and you grabbed your phone and your wallet from your bag.

you slid into the passenger seat of vernons car and brushed the snow off of your jacket. “god, was anyone expecting this storm? its crazy out here.” vernon laughed at how shocked you were that it was snowing in the middle of january. “apparently its supposed to get worse, but i wont let that get in between us seeing each other for the first time in a week.” he smiled over at you as he put the car in drive and left the parking lot of your apartment complex. you looked over at him and the small smile he has on his face whenever you look at him. he always looks so content in your presence, as you feel the same in his. you watched him maneuver around the roads, mesmerized by his actions. he soon spoke, breaking you out of your daydream.

“oh, i have to stop by the practice room really quick, is that okay?” you nodded. “im just tagging along, i dont care where we end up.” you said with a smile. vernon pulled into the parking lot of the building and opened his door, stepping out into the snow. he watched as you got out of his car and screwed up your nose at the fluffy flakes falling all around you, slowly getting more and more heavy as the snow piled in the streets and lots around you.

you followed vernon into the elevator as he pressed the button leading up to the floor of seventeen’s practice rooms. you had been there a couple times, just for visits or bringing them snacks and drinks for motivation. the elevator ride was quiet. it was a comfortable silence, the low hum of the elevator music filling the air as you and vernon basked in each others company. the elevator beeped as the doors opened and you both walked down the hallway leading to their practice room. it was growing late, and the worsening weather outside caused the building to be somewhat of a ghost town. usually bustling with people working and hanging out, it was quiet and tranquil. you reached the end of the hallway as vernon used his keycard to unlock the door.

with a beep from the keycard scanner, vernon opened the door and you followed behind him as he walked into the large open room. he walked towards the cabinet where they put all of their personal items as they practice and pulled out a navy blue hoodie and a black beanie. he held them in his arms as he spun around to face you. “ready to go?” he said, walking towards the door. you hesitate before speaking up. “maybe we can stay here for a bit? wait for the storm to die down a little.” vernon quirked an eyebrow before shrugging. “sounds like a plan. come sit.” he walked to the corner of the room, where two black beanbags sat next to each other. as you both sat down, vernon gasped and jumped back up and half-ran to the other side of the room, where the entertainment system was. you laughed to yourself at his urgency. after a second, vernons playlist was playing quietly through the speakers around the room. he smiled as we walked back over to where you sat, fondly admiring his every move.

you and vernon had sat in the practice room talking for over an hour. you had both honestly lost track of time. he checked the time, 10:27pm. you both quickly realized that your usual cafe had closed half an hour ago. he sighed, apologizing to you for not being able to get coffee like he had planned. “vern, i dont care what we do, as long as we get to catch up.” he scrolled on his phone, eyebrows furrowed, not replying to what you had said. you could tell he was trying to figure something out. you leaned towards him, furrowing your own eyebrows as well. “whats wrong?” he looked up at you as he turned his phone to show you an article stating that all roads in your area had closed due to the force of the storm. your jaw dropped as you made eye contact with vernon, and you both started laughing at the irony of it all. you dont see each other for over a week, and suddenly you’ll be stuck together for the foreseeable future.

the article that you and vernon had read stated that it can be expected for roads to stay closed until the morning, so you both decided that it was in your best interest to settle in to stay in the practice room for the night. “wait, i think it’s right… here!” vernon opened and closed cabinets in the practice room until he found the one he was looking for. inside the cabinet, there was a white blanket neatly folded and a white pillow on the shelf above it. “excuse me for asking, but why do you guys have a blanket and pillow in your practice room?” you couldnt help but laugh. the thought of someone needing a nap mid practice was the most seventeen thing you could think of. “well one time hoshi got locked out of the dorms so from that day on he kept supplies here just in case it happened again.” of course it was hoshi.

you both retreated back to the beanbags after finding the blanket and setting it aside. neither of you were tired, so you stayed up talking in the hopes that the storm would subside and the roads would miraculously open back up again. you talked and talked until the clock hit 2am and you both couldnt finish a sentence without yawning. vernon walked over to where he had layed the blanket and pillow on the counter, and brought it over and put both in your lap. “why are you giving it to me? you need to sleep too.” you picked it up and tried to pass it to him but he lightly pushed your hands away. “ill be fine, i want you to be comfortable.” you frowned at vernon, insisting on him taking it from you. vernon gave in, taking the stack from you and settling in. as he unfolded the blanket, he opened his arms. you quirked an eyebrow, confused as to what he was doing. “listen, im not gonna be the only one sleeping with a blanket. come here.” you stood up and walked over, inserting yourself into the space he had made for you under the blanket. the two of you had been friends for a while, but you had never been this close before. you expected it to be awkward, but it was surprisingly natural to both of you. your head rested on the pillow as vernons eyes fluttered shut, his long eyelashes laying softly on his cheeks. you admired his features, before closing your own eyes in case he feels you staring at him. soon, you were lulled to sleep by vernons soft breaths against your forehead.

you woke up with one of vernons arms lazily draped across your hip, and your legs intertwined together as an attempt to create the illusion of the beanbag you slept on having more room than it does. judging by his slow breaths and steady heartbeat, he was still asleep. there were no windows in their performance room, so you had to crane your neck to locate the clock on the wall and find out how early or late you woke up. 9:03am. it was still early enough to let vernon sleep instead of disturbing his peace. you turned your head back to his sleeping figure. the light snores coming from him would annoy anyone else, but to you they were endearing. everything about vernon was this way to you. everything he did was perfect. you adored vernon, but had never seen him as anything other than a friend. as you lay here, limbs connected and the fading scent of his cologne lingering around you, you wonder if you had ever seen him as just a friend. what if you had been repressing the feelings you had? what if seeing him like this, so peaceful and vulnerable, had awakened something? what if-

your train of thought was brought to an end when an arm squeezed around your waist and a face was buried into your neck. you smiled a wide smile. “good morning sleepyhead.” you ran a hand through vernons messy hair as he groaned a “morning” into your skin. you sat like that for a minute, even closer to each other, until he leaned back and rubbed his eyes. “what time is it?” he said, his voice deep and laced with sleep. “its 9 oclock.” you couldnt help but smile at him. you rarely saw vernon early in the morning, only on times when you both made all day plans instead of impromptu ones. he yawned as he asked, “have you seen if the roads have opened yet?” you shook your head. “i couldnt reach my phone, its over on the shelf and you looked too comfy, i didnt want to disturb you.” the tips of his ears turned pink as he rolled over slightly and stretched to reach his phone. he rested his phone on your hip as he tried to find an update. you let your head fall to the pillow again, lightly closing your eyes as vernon scrolled through news sites.

“oh, it looks like theyre back open!” vernon said, slowly waking up, “you ready to go?” you didnt bother to open your eyes, just shook your head. “lets stay here a little longer. this beanbag is comfier than i thought.” you smiled as you heard his phone hit the table and his arm returned to its previous place around your hip. vernon pulled you closer, not saying another word.

#seventeen #seventeen oneshot #seventeen imagines #svt #chwe hansol #vernon #vernon fluff #vernon fanfic #friends to lovers #stuck together #theres a storm #its the stereotypical #i guess we're stuck #vernon x reader #kpop fluff #whoreanghae

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rebuke-me · 1 year

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pretend this is an emoji that relates to the eah au.

oh my god,,, a crown emoji. or a shoe emoji. what a surprise. its almost like u like ever after high. (/s)

OKAY SO.

i'm gonna give the vaguest crash course but i'll elaborate more under the cut for those interested

jeremy is a kid of cinderella, jake's a charming kid. brooke is also a charming kid, but like. in the "her and jake are more cousins than siblings" way but tbh genetics? murky in eah. chloe is a beauty & the beast kid. jenna is the kid of the boy who cried wolf, christine is a wonderland kid (probably alice), michael's pied piper, and rich is a goldilocks kid

it's deere bc of course it is

ALRIGHT MOTHERS AND FUCKERS OF THE JURY

so it's deere endgame bc im a whore for it. jeremy's a cinderella kid, but he'd be a rebel because he really doesn't. want that? he thinks he'll be put with brooke, the female charming kid, because he's a dude. he also doesn't want the bad parts of the story- mostly for his sister, esther, who would have to be his "evil" and "ugly" stepsister. so he doesn't sign the storybook of legends.

jake is a charming kid. he's been prepared for his whole life to be a prince for chloe's story, but he doesn't really like that idea. he doesn't see himself as very beastly, but the expectations of him being an arrogant asshole kind of drag him down. he has a sort of secret relationship with jeremy, and he ends up signing the book because it shows him jeremy as his destiny.

chloe is the kid of beauty and the beast. she spends her whole life thinking she's beauty, all prim and proper. except it goes to her head- she's one of the most important stories, everyone thinks so. she ends up being the beast in her story rather than the beauty, because she has to learn a lesson about egotism and humility.

brooke expects to not have a "real" destiny because she's a female charming. she is kind of chloe's shadow for their entire lives because she doesn't have a story set for her. (she ends up supposed to be the beauty/princess in chloe's story, because i like toxicity. she doesn't like chloe though, and she doesn't want to sign the book either.)

rich is a goldilocks kid. he is kind of the black sheep, because he chopped all his "golden blonde" hair off. bc my rich is always and forever trans. he's easily susceptible to peer pressure, even if he says he isn't, and is focused on everything being 'just right.' him and brooke are close because they both feel kind of shit about their stories and their friends.

christine is alice. she's close enough to wonderland to be a little bit. eccentric. she's always curious, always looking for new adventures. she is just so very good and i adore her, i don't have much to say about her in this au oddly she just appears and says fun things then leaves and we love her for it

michael is a pied piper kid. he's not a rebel by choice, he doesn't MIND his story, but he doesn't really like kids. he's fine with it but like. he's a rebel because jeremy is, mostly, and because he doesn't like the idea of like. yk. being forced into one box.

and finally, jenna is the kid of the boy who cried wolf. she's eternally stuck in a place where everyone believes her, but her words never come true. the exact opposite always happens. she still gossips, though, because its the one time people pay attention to her. she is a rebel because she doesn't wanna get eaten lmao

#be more chill #bmc #ever after high #eah #bmc ever after high au

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teruthecreator · 1 year

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actually literally begging you to hear me out about a smile for me au for mp100 please god

mob is flower kid (obvs) and the kageyama’s own a flower shop. the reason he ends up going to the habitat is bc his parents sent ritsu there sometime after the whole “blackmailing students in the worst ways possible” thing and they haven’t heard word from him since. so mob decides one night to sneak out of the house and find him himself.

teru is nat and he’s immediately kind of skeptical of mob but nonetheless decides that helping him out (a little) is better than being stuck in the habitat forever when he can feel something weird is going on. also to me it would be hilarious if pre-happy teru had the big ass hair but then when mob makes him happy it goes back to its normal size and teru admits he put a wig on top of his hair to make him look more intimidating

the first day is pretty much over after that and when mob goes to bed he notices that his bed is....strange. like. has fucking red cheeks and moves a little strange. which is when dimple makes himself known and tells mob he was “hired” by master reigen to possess the beds to make sure everyone is going to bed at curfew. dimple is a lot less weird than the cowboy bed and actually provides some good advice on occasion, telling mob how best to proceed. then the first announcement comes on and it’s very different from how habit’s were. instead of using a puppet mascot reigen is just There. centerstage. and the edits are insane and explosive and reigen is filled with this manic energy that borderlines on unhinged as he insists everyone remain unhappy until “the day comes”

reigen as habit is not too focused on the happy thing more than he’s focused on the potential fame he could achieve from such a stunt. this reigen never had the accidental meeting with mob that put him on the right track. this reigen flitted from office job to office job until eventually losing it and deciding to start up his own scam exorcism business, but that fails too and reigen begins to fall into this pit of despair bc he’s never going to become anything like this. which is when he comes up with the idea for the habitat (while reading through the newspaper and comes across an article talking about the percentages of depressed people in japan). his ultimate goal is not to make people happy or to steal their smiles. his goal is simply to become famous through his “astounding” achievement of making a bunch of depressed people so happy they’ll never feel sad again. he uses martha in much the same way that habit does, but his goal with that is to eventually pump so much laughing gas into the habitat that no one ever stops smiling (except it’d eventually kill them bc there wouldn’t be enough oxygen in the air)

smile for me has a decent sized cast in comparison to the notable characters on mp100 but here are my rough ides for some of the other habiticians

mirphy: mezato

gillis: onigawara

trevor: tome

tim tam: sho (this one is so funny to me i had to make it real)

millie: minori

lulia: tsubomi (she’s still a teenager nothing weird happens i just think the characters match somewhat)

putunia: musashi (you have to hear me out on this one. you have to. just. there arent enough buff characters but he needs to be here)

parsley: kenji (remember him? he feels pretty pathetic so this works for me)

there is obviously way more of both casts i didnt pair up but im doing my best here (<- has only seen all of mob psycho once and hasnt played smile for me in a while)

anyways, so mob’s going around cheering everyone up and it’s pissing reigen off because he feels like mob is trying to take his spotlight. that’s when the more aggressive psa’s start and reigen starts calling mob out to knock it off. eventually, mob makes it to the roof where he finds serizawa huddled on a bench surrounded by roses.

yeah so. serizawa is kamal and, similarly to kamal, he was working with reigen until reigen snapped at him and he stormed off. he admits to mob that he didn’t Want to leave reigen but he didn’t know what else to do because he’s so far gone and he wasn’t good at talking to people. mob is able to build his confidence back up, to the point where serizawa tells mob that he should talk to reigen (bc even with all that confidence he’s still afraid of talking to reigen). but mob is conflicted bc he still hasn’t found ritsu. serizawa suggests reigen might be keeping ritsu in his office and if he confronts him he’ll get his answers. so mob agrees once everyone is cheered up to go to reigen.

the day comes and the whole habitat is full of laughing gas, but all of the habiticians have been evacuated the night before by serizawa. reigen is FURIOUS and dimple wishes mob good luck before peace-ing out of the bed and leaving. the walk to the office is a lot scarier than in-game bc reigen has sent his little paper-doll-robots (theyre made of old newspapers btw) to basically kill mob jgrbgrhjgrbjhrg but mob makes it to reigen’s office and passes out just as the doors open

when he comes to, he’s been tied to a chair in a pitch-black room. reigen shows himself and begins ranting about how hellish mob has been and how he’s basically ruined his whole plan so now reigen is going to punish mob by making him his test dummy for new methods of happiness-creation just liiiiiiiiiiiike his brother BOOM! mob sees ritsu in reigen’s office tied to a chair with a canister of laughing gas being pumped into his face via a breathing mask. and so then reigen fucks off to deal with ritsu, who saw mob and is now struggling to break free. but while he’s gone mob breaks out of his bindings and enters the office. he manages to free ritsu during a struggle and ritsu is insisting they just leave reigen to die, but mob wants to know why reigen would do this.

now i forgot to mention the diary pages until now but i do think he still has them and mob found them and learned about why reigen is the way he is now. and instead of showing reigen a tooth lily, he’s just....incredibly sympathetic. he understands what it’s like to not know where you’re going in life. he understands the loneliness. he may be just a kid but he’s wondered about if he’s ever going to be somebody, too. and reigen kinda crumbles at this. realization sets in about what he’s done and he nearly throws himself off the balcony in pure shame and regret, but mob stops him and reigen just breaks down in front of these two teenagers.

mob offers him friendship and reigen takes it. reigen tries to apologize to ritsu but ritsu just kinda walks off (he’s basically the wallus counterpart except he’s not trapped in a wall he was just kidnapped). and then everything is normal the end :-)

#mob psycho 100 #mp100 #smile for me #ignorance cloud on #HELP this got so long LOL

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doomdomine · 8 months

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mini post of songs that remind me of eric — 🍓 !

the smashing pumpkins (the gnashing blumpkins)

- pennies: the intro is just so him. nothing else 2 say

- bodies: i feel like this song can be connected to how i see my attachment to him and how he saw the people that failed (??) him in his life. “come into my life forever,” hits so hard for me cus i know that if i haven’t outgrown him by now, i prob never will. especially when so many others who’ve surpassed my age are stuck on him and the case in gen. i also feel like i’ll never be able to ‘escape’ him cus of his mark on the world and how he’ll continue to inspire so many others in that way.

- to forgive: holy fucking shit the first time i listened to this he was literally the only thought in my head. “ten times removed / i forget about where it all began,” “holding back the fool again / holding back the fool pretends.” this song is just the embodiment of what i imagine he felt near the end. never fails to make me cry like a little bitch

- farewell and goodnight: reminds me so much of his humanity, of how much he tried yet still felt like he could never get it right. “heart strung is your heart frayed and empty / cause it’s hard luck when no one understands your love / its unsung.”

- blew away: eric’s version of dylan’s beautiful (lol) “please don’t ever leave / and i will grieve, and remember thee / hope to meet you there.”

hole (so funny cus if he hated sp no way he felt any better abt hole or courtney love 😭)

- northern star: “and blackest night and i wait for you / it’s cold in here, there’s no one left / and i wait for you,”

“he’s so cold / he will ruin the world tonight,”

“ghosts that haunt you with their sorrow / i cried cause you were doomed.”

- honey: “and everything you ever said, now tears me all apart,”

“he goes down, down to his bitter end / he knows now, now you can’t touch him,”

“i hold onto you like the death of an angel / and i hold onto you with all the life that’s in me,”

“why was i not good enough to save you from destruction?”

- pacific coast highway: “go with your gun in my hands,”

“i knew a boy, he left me so damaged / do you even know the extent of what you ravaged?”

misc. (basically just single songs from bands that i can’t compile into their own category)

- under the milky way by the church: “wish i knew what you were looking for / might have known what you would find.”

- stuck on you by failure: this song is more for me and how i feel abt never being able 2 escape him.

“i claimed i didn’t care for you / but your verse got trapped inside my head, over and over again,”

“i thought i’d drop you easily / but that was not to be / you burrowed like a summer tick / so you invade my sleep and confuse my dreams / turn my nights to sleepless itch,”

“stuck on you til the end of time / i’m too tired to fight your rhyme / you’ve got me paralyzed,”

“even when i’m alone / i hear your mellow drone / you’re everywhere inside of me.”

and uhhh i have a whole playlist dedicated to him w a lot of other songs but these r just the main ones that scream Him and im too chickenshit to link my profile here cus im paranoid ✊😭 but mayhaps…. one day…. mayhaps….

#tcc #true crime #eric #eric harris

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bloodcoveredgf · 11 months

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buffy for the tv asks !

favorite character: buffy summers without a doubt in my mind :] shes the best girl in the world to me as everybody probably already knows... & that will never change!! do not even care that she is the main character and of course nearly everyone loves her i love her in a more intimate and profound way /lh shes my forever :)

funniest character: OO TOUGH theres sooo many funny little guys.. but i will say spike. or anya <3 she just gets me (her autistic weird girl swag which gets played for laughs often but i usually laugh With her and when shes being sillay and cute).. spike is just like. he definitely gets the most laughs out of me hes so sillay and pathetic and funny. im always either laughing at him or with him

best-looking character: every woman. no but like actually.... buffy but also drusilla and darla and anya and faith and willow and tara and glory and cordelia and kendra and jenny and harmony and- hfkshfj you get it.. The most wife ever to me though is buffy. or drusilla. OH GOD... both of them

3 favorite ships: umm.... gets nervous.. buffy + faith, willow + tara, spike + buffy. It physically pained me leaving out spike + drusilla, angel + darla And spike + angel... like ultimately spike & drusilla are THE ultimate duo ever in the buffyverse In my opinion but not necessarily top 3 ship... im sorry for my spuffy crimes. im so sorry for this. But also i dont take ships as seriously as everyone else like do not start legitimate ship wars on this post i prommy i dont care

least favorite character: warren. i dont think i even need to say anything else

least favorite ship: probably buffy and riley like there is Absolutely worse and theres like non-canon ships people have that are so yuck but in terms of like ships i actually had to endure... them.. i actually dont mind riley himself i just dont like buffy and riley together they had potential but ultimately... their storyline just went somewhere and they lost me. riley lost me but i find things to appreciate about him And his relationship with buffy especially as i analyze him/his purpose and listen to others analyze him more but when it comes to buffy/riley.. not a fan!

reason why i watch it: uhhh.. well its good :) i could write a whole essay but my brain is not working enough right now for that hopefully thats okay. i will say its just peak television in my opinion like yeah theres bad writing like any other show but thats my beloved babygirl show... she does me wrong sometimes but i love her forever.. Also the characters and themes just enrapture me and the show brings me endless entertainment and insanity and i can analyze and nitpick and obsess over so much. so much happening in that show always!!!! and its very fun and sillay :) Also. theres buffy <3 the MOST character OF ALL TIME the best girl EVER put on any television screen... like genuinely she means soooo so much to me augh.. so does the show... i just love the show very much!

why i started watching it: wellll i heard a lot about it from many many people including my mom and was like i really need to watch this... i tried to one time and got through half of the first episode and was like hmmm.. but then kept seeing it everywhere and what really got me to try again was actually tumblr user william dogmotif and i blasted through the entire show in um 1 month + a few days !! so... yeah!! needless to say it quickly became a hyperfixation and has stuck with me since Woo!

#tysm for the ask!!! rambled a lot oops but yaaay btvs #mailbox #mary #long post

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teozenin · 2 years

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VENT POST!!!

TRIGGER WARNING: su1c1d3 attempt mentions, sh sc4rs mention and overall just a bunch of self loathing

yesterday my parents saw my sh scars . idk what to say to my mom . i can hardly look her in the eyes without wanting to cry . the disappointment i saw in her eyes is just , i can't put into words how i am feeling . not disappointment in me , but in herself as a mother . i hate that I'm making her worry , i hate that i make her feel like dirt and self loathe even more . want her to be happy in a universe where i dont exist .

what hurt the most is that she just asked to see them and then ignored the situation and started cracking jokes and acting ' normal ' . i know she's doing this as a coping mechanism and to lighten the mood , but it's so weird honestly and idk scream at me , cry , yell how im a disgrace , literally just be angry and take everything out on me and dont beat yourself up . she's a great parent and i want to make her happy by any means . i would do anything for her

im sorry im not the perfect kid she deserves . im sorry i will never be good enough for her . im sorry i took her and my dad for granted . im sorry she missed most of my teenage life . im sorry for every time i made her cry and couldn't be there to comfort her best i could . im sorry for unintentionally snapping at her when she didn't do anything wrong . im sorry for crying in front of her . im sorry for making her take me to see a therapist when i clearly don't need one . im sorry for not being able to open up to her . im sorry she had to put up with so much shit and abuse for 20+ years from her in - laws . she said im the only happiness in her life and it hurts so much seeing her in pain because of me . i made her waste 18 years of her life .

her body should've terminated the pregnancy with me . you know what they say , 3rd one's the charm . i wish that my su1c1de attempts succeeded . i probably should've just cut deeper till i hit a vein or just sl1t my throat insted or OD -ed until my liver or anything else popped in me .

i despise myself so much for all the shit I've done to her. what hurts more is the she just accepts it and forgives me everytime. i don't deserve her at all, i don't deserve anything. sometimes i wish she would just take everything out on me, and beat me. that's what i deserve.

im a piece of garbage . i don't have anything going on , there's literally nothing out there for me . i barely passed this year , i suck ass at everything . im trying my best but it still isn't enough .

i absolutely hate my classmates so much. everyone in my class never heard of empathy and respect.they're 18 and still act like middle schoolers . those stuck up fuckers act look , smile and speak to me as if im the stupidest person to ever exist and that gives them the right to treat me like im a scum. if i could i would sew their mouths in the shit eating grin they give me so they could live with it forever . i hate them so much . i hope they only have part of the worst things in this world and see how i feel .

i didn't expect highschool to be this bad . i really didn't . maybe it doesn't seem that bad from an outside perspective , but for me it is . i think im breaking down and can't go on . no one here cares about me except for two people . their group of friends probably talk and are nice to me out of politeness .

i hate myself so much but sometimes i act like i am better than everyone. im such a pathetic loser , i don't have any friends.

im trying to please everyone , i let them step all over me and make shitty jokes about me . i tell such jokes just to seem like a lighthearted person in hope that they will accept me in their group. yes , it hurts a lot when i see it amuses them , but i just shut up and laugh with them to not start crying . i just want people to genuinely like and enjoy my company

i think people's lives would be so much better if they've never met me

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audible--silence · 3 months

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Words

When people say to me “what about your future?” I tell them thats exactly who im doing all this for

“All of the best things in my life have occurred when things in my life didn’t go to plan”

“Only thing that changed in eight years is haircuts and excuses”

I want everyone to ask and care but i dont want to talk about it either

Failed with flying colors

Home feels like lame familiarity

“You’ve gotta be my stability!”

“I cant cos im on a BAR STOOL”

The years are passing me by faster than I care to admit.

Turns out making good use of your 20s doesn’t do an awful lot to slow them down.

I’m living a life I thought I wanted and still I feel a divide between what I thought I wanted and how I thought I would feel. Maybe this isn’t all that I hoped it would be. Maybe im not alive enough to make it feel good enough. Maybe just prioritizing fun isnt gonna cut it. But definitely prioritizing stability wont.

Maybe we just don’t have enough years on this earth and space in our brains to feel like we can really live anything to completion.

All I know right now is that on this warm, still summers evening, with a beautiful light in the sky, on a night I should be thoroughly captivated by, i feel unamused and alone.

I’ve seen this before.

I’m stuck with myself in a place i know all too well and not a great many people left to meet

“I have one foot in the door and the other going in a direction i dont quite know yet”

“If you can read this, i hope you have health insurance”

Never have i ever been in a rush to go to sñeep before

19 year old w 5 years practice

I dont believe in being nice i believe in being kind

“Well, money where your mouth is? I liked you.”

“Yeah but I’ve changed since i said that”

Well where too from here

Still tiptoeing around and dancing away

Trying to see where we stand in each other’s lives

Am i all wrong?

Did i read too far into all the songs in the playlist?

Or all the stories we told each other?

All the memories we shared?

And all the fun we made.

How about all the time we spent on each other or all the thoughts spent?

All the dreams made and all the hopes held.

All that you said that i read into, cannot be a mistake. You’re too clever for that. Did you want me to say it? Were you waiting for it? Did you want it? You sure werent surprised by it.

God i hope i didnt ruin it.

Maybe youre right

Maybe finding your person is long term task

Maybe all those journal entries, nights drinking together and nights thinking of you were to hit a realization.

Maybe the realization is that i need therapy

Maybe its that we’re not compatible

Maybe we need more time.

Either way, i know im here for it

Way too much love for the woman who raosed me and her never ending kindness and innocence despite the shit she’s had to deal with. Somehow coupled with a complete lack pf jealousy.

Im quite sick of the world

Im not very fond of myself in it either

I think every minute of every day what am i doing here? Why am i here?

I dont feel comfortable in myself

I dont feel confident in myself

I dont like the state of the world when i observe it

I feel powerless to change it

I feel like a fool for never having tried

I tell myself all the things my dear sweet friends would tell me in this situation

I know that im giving myself too much grace

Im not a dipshit

But i made myself into one

And ill die that way. Whenever I get too sick of it

What a damn shame it is to know a good moments passed you.

To have only the half remembered memories because you didn’t realize at the time that this would be a moment you’d want to think about forever.

I’ve left little pieces of my heart across the globe. From Oaxaca to West Aus to New York to Ningaloo, traces of my soul can be found sprinkled in pockets around taco stands, strangers vans and gorgeous country under shining stars.

I can never get them back.

Nor do I want them.

But I fear ill never approach life in one place with the same zest and enthusiasm as I used to.

A wise man once said it’s important to know when you’re living in a moment you’ll want to remember. I think it’s important to know when you’re shaving a piece of your heart and leaving it somewhere with someone as well

I don’t tend to think of it as “learning about myself” anymore. I think after a few seasons worth of reinventing myself, it feels a little bit more like reinventing the next iteration of myself. A both tiring and exciting endeavor indeed.

“Do you miss NY”

“Mmmmm sometimes “

What a fkn lie. Every day, most hours, in truth

I dont feel like myself

The aussie accent

The blokey chat

The blending in

None of its me, really.

I need stress to stay awake despite wht its doing to me

Do i want to look at the city on my drive in and think “hell yeah” or”ahhhhhh fuck”

Either is an investment of time n energy and i have to pick

You can observe in many colonized countries today what i see in myself.

When you take away peoples connection to identity, language, customs and place, they will frequently stumble around somewhat aimlessly with a penchant for extra curriculars

“Its only racist if im not funny”

“Theres something to be said about a life well fucked around “

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yokomation-blog · 6 months

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WHY THE FUCK IM I STRUGGLEING SOO MUCH WITH THE RETOPO OF THINGS!!!

THIS WILL BE MY 3RD TRY AT THIS SHIT HERE!!!!

ok wanna tell myself this,

look i know it´s hard to get it right but it dosen´t mean i haven´t done it good enough already this year like

and also this

i know it´s Hard but i know i can FUCKING DO THIS!!!!

ok just know i wanna make sure these models are the best they can ever be and i do not wanna fuck it up here,

maybe i should just wait a bit, but you know what they say, 3rd times´the charm, i just wanna make sure i got a plan and i do have a Good Plan here, been through this eariler with Alex Johanna agian and i just don´t wanna be stuck here forever so here is my plan

day1 - Face, Head and Neck, alongside eyebrrows and eyelashes

day2 - hair, mouth, Body, Limbs Hands

Day3 - clothing and boots as well as the UV´s

same for Conner, the T-Rex and Stego, in fact all my models will have this workflow and everyone needs to be able to work at 1 subdev level, ok look i know Retopology is hard BUUUUUUT! if im going to be a Great 3D artist this year and get Jurassica Safari Park out, i feel like i need to get it done and NOT be doing it badly, not feel unsure around it, feeling more Safe around Retopology and just make everything i do like mucles memeory, i never EVER wanna be stuck here agian like today and like with the last Time with Alex Johanna, let US FUCKING GET IT DONE!

for that i´ll get the face, head and neck loops done today and record every step of the way, i got the reference i need from last few models so, might be useful to drag them in here and use them to help me.

ALRIGHT THEN! so here´s the plan for today, getting her Face Loops done as well as her face too, eyelashes and eyebrrows, then i´ll save her mouth, teeth, tounge and hair for tomorrow then map out her body loops, i was planning out to blockout the B Models today but, with this takeing too much time for me, i might wanna save those for when i do Retopo on the Stego and T-Rex then.

or you know stick to my orignal plans and get those done after all the Retopo is done or split it between the people and then the two dinosaurs.

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strange-ghoul · 1 year

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im... unwell. read tags

blood dripped down my body from my mouth. I couldn't identify where the pain was coming from, but it was somewhere.

I've thrown up multiple times by now. My body wracked with chills as I laid naked on the bathroom floor. I felt exposed, horrible, disgusting, but there I was. Alive. Somehow.

I crawled my way back to the toilet, throwing up again. The bile got onto my hair and stained my teeth, but I couldn't bring myself to take care of it. I had to get this... bug, out of my system.

The bug being something I didn't understand. It was a feeling in my chest, sinking into my stomach. It was something that began to take over my entire body, all the way to my brain. It made me feel deplorable, it made me feel like my body wasn't mine anymore. The urge to rip aspects of my body off were becoming more and more apparent, where soon I knew impulse control would fail.

Would it be so bad to take a knife to my chest, forever securing the feeling of steel and blood to me? Would it be so bad to take off what has hurt me?

I thought back to the bridge nearby. Maybe it's easier there. Maybe if I fall, I'll be okay. Maybe the darkness would hold me and coddle me, love me until even my memories became dust.

Nobody would be there, and it was night already; does a tree really make sound when it falls, even if nobody was there to hear it?

I crawled back to the side of the bathtub, tears already falling down my face again. Everything on my body felt like it was aching and burning.

How hard was it to be cared for? How hard was it for somebody to reach out to you and hold you? Even if it was metaphorically, even if it was just a writing, why was it so hard to be loved?

I can't feel love the same as others. I don't understand romance, I don't feel it. Neither do I understand human touch.

Was it because I was scarred from it? Was the abuse I endured just enough for me to swear it off wholly?

Or was it just me. Am I aromantic? Asexual? I think so. I have no desire for either, even if I acted that I did.

But did this mean I didn't deserve love?

It sure felt like it.

I took a shaky breath in, coughing out a sob. every tear hurt my head more and more, but I couldn't stop. The cold tiles below me now didn't give me any comfort, only resentment.

I wanted to be loved. I wanted to be held in some type of way. I wanted someone to hold me by the face and tell me they loved me unconditionally, even if I was stuck in a body that wasn't mine.

I need somebody to tell me that everything isn't for nothing. That I am smart, that I am okay, that I am worth more than what teachers, parents, and peers thought of me.

The work I produce from my hands- it's all a lie. I've convinced myself every comment was just a pity party. Who'd look at my creations and genuinely think anything good of it? They all had so many flaws which were irredeemable in my eyes. These people- They were my friends, my family- they just had to be being respectful, there was no way they could feel this way towards anything I wrote. It was wrong.

I don't deserve what I get from those works. I don't deserve the support I get. I don't deserve anything. I feel horrible getting it too- wasn't I supposed to feel prideful when my worked was commented on and loved? So why did I feel a stab of pang, why did I feel like I was never good enough to deserve those words?

Could it all trail back to my self-loathing that had already manifested itself within me?

... i don't know.

I don't feel right in this body of mine. It feels broken and unsustained. I look myself in the mirror and I don't believe it's mine. I can't recognize that face- I don't know who that is. I'm told over and over again it's mine, but it's like I can't compute that.

Perhaps that's why I couldn't understand anyone caring about me beyond the thin layer. Perhaps that's why I couldn't accept compliments about literally anything I've ever done.

... but I'm unsure if this is right.

I just wished I was loved, but I fear even then I'll think it's all pity. As I think everything is. Because, in essence,

Who'd give a shit about me?

My eye lids are heavy; even through the glaring lights of the bathroom was sleep slowly over taking me. I'll wake up tomorrow and regret everything I've ever said and done in regard to my mental health. I'll convince myself all over again that I don't need help and I am simply over dramatic. Tomorrow morning, I'll convince myself I am fine, and nothing will be wrong. And then I'll continue on pushing these thoughts, doubts, and self-hatred aside for another night similar to this one.

I place bets on myself occasionally- will this be the night I'm found dead, or will I hate myself for ever thinking I was anything but a fraud and nuisance?

#vent #im shouting into the void #i described my mental state with the only way i know how which is writing a fictional scenario #cw vomit #cw sui thoughts #imposter syndrome #body dysphoria #aroace problems #a lot of self loathing #i need thearpy lmao but can't afford that shit so this is the next best thing #look i wrote and wrote and it's slightly tangible I think but I'm not rereading it right now.#NOT Ghost related

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nndefunctlolgoawaypls · 1 year

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my dad hit me and threw stuff at my head today over NOTHING. my fiancé was standing right there and then my dad said i was "hysterical" and"maybe i need to eat bc im acting insane so my blood sugar must be off" ok. well how about dont hit me, dont throw stuff at me, dont invalidate me in front of my fiancé and then call me hysterical and threaten to call the cops when i cry bc YOU HIT ME. im just. i feel so sick and ive never been more actively a danger to myself than rn!!! i just wanna die at all costs at this point and nothing will save me bc nothing is good or worth it when every single day you're told by the person who raised u that ur a piece of shit who doesnt work right and youre only good for fucking things up. im stuck in my room 24/7 , taking sleeping pills every 8 hours so that i stop disturbing people with my disgusting, ugly presence. i wish i was a better person but my dad and mom both think im just an asshole forever, cant ever be helped or fixed so theres no point helping me try. so why should i fucking bother. im exhausted. my dad intentionally triggers my PTSD then says im hysterical for reaching my boiling point and having a PTSD episode where i was HALLUCINATING I WAS ON FIRE and screaming my head off for you to leave so i could CALM MYSELF DOWN EVEN A LITTLE. i hate my life so much. i have no friends, no family, no money, nowhere to go, no life skills or even a high school diploma. im a useless pos like my dad says and i SHOULD just lay here until i die. maybe somebody will care enough to take my body to a doctor then

#life is too expensive and im too hurt and i just wanna go find a place out there to curl up and die like a fuckibg wounded animal #no joke thats constantly on my mind and someday im gonna take all my sleep meds and go lay down somewhere they wont find me and die #no note no goodbyes im just gonba finaly kill myself one day and not even know why i did it or be convious of it bc im snapped and probably #already dead inside or an alter will take over or something #life sucked anyway

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writer-in-theory · 2 years

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Steve totally loves fanta, that is now canon in my mind. I can see him liking shasta too. I feel like he'd like orange or black cherry. And I don't just say that because those are my favorite flavors..... nooooo totally not.....

You don't know what you're asking when you ask for fandoms I'll be in forever. But uh, if I had to say one It'd be the creepypasta fandom... I hate it so much but just like you, like clockwork I return and reread them or watch content for them again, it accidently became a comfort fandom. Whoops. Also the general slasher fandom is like a home for me, especially the Scream side of it. Anywhere I have a comfort character I'll never fully leave, like stranger things. I'm in a lot of dead fandoms and small fandoms as it is, so whether there's hype or not a part of my heart still lives there.

First fictional crush? I know it's weird but I'd watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer a lot as a kid and I grew the biggest crush on Spike. Also like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

And like that's so sweet of you to say I'm easy to talk to and that you're having fun talking to me! I'm having fun too and you're also really easy to talk to.

Your fav anon

nah you're so right. people who like orange and black cherry are so specific bc those flavors are so bold and they're generally great people in my experience

i completely understand that feeling of damn it, i like this thing i guess. that's how i feel constantly about twilight and now on stranger things. i tried so hard not to watch the show and then i did this summer and fell in love with a certain character and that was it for me. describing fandom as a home is so familiar and warming though. like yeah, there's fandoms im a part of that havent really seen a content made for them in years (or at all, really) but they exist and the people there are so great it's hard to not come back

ohhh spike is def a good option. if we're talking first ever, i had a massive undeniable crush on shego from kim possible for way too long. then it was santana from glee and chad from high school musical.

if you were to be stuck in a house for a week with any fictional character, who would you pick? i think i would pick robin from stranger things bc i think we'd just get along really well for a whole week and she'd be entertaining too.

oh of course !! you really are easy to talk to and i'm having fun swapping questions like this. if you ever feel comfortable enough to let me know who you are that would be welcome to, but no pressure of course because i'm enjoying talking like this too.

#ask jay #my fav anon

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the209social · 2 years

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9:14pm 07.06.22 “Glimpse of Us” by Joji (On Repeat)

When i was a teenager in high school i always thought that by the time i was 24 years of age i would have the perfect life. I would have finished college with a masters, be married to the love of my life, and have at least 2 children while living in the perfect house and having that perfect life that society claims everyone should have. I pictured myself with my forever person. A hard working man that loved me unconditionally and i him. In my twenties i knew i wanted to be in love, head over heels for the right man. I never would have imagined that i’d me nearing my 40′s and still alone. That i would have many failed relationships and that i would fall in love for the wrong guys over and over again. My teenage self would be crushed, or would he?

I have gone through my share of broken hearts. I have love unconditionally, with my whole soul, my entire being. I have dedicated myself to please, to help build, to encourage and to better my significant other’s. Yet it has never been enough. I have moved mountains to make my relationships work. Often having to sacrifice my own wants and desires. I have no regrets, for i did all these things with love. Around 2016 was the last time i spoke to the man who broke me in ways i might never fully understand. It took me years to somewhat heal from that relationship. Then in 2019 i met this amazing guy who made me forget the one that came before and for the first time in so long i once again found myself having feelings for this new man. Feeling that i thought i would never have for another person. He help me forget the past and he helped me glue my broken heart together. Yet, it was not meant to be. I can’t say that my heart was broken, but i was sad that it didn't work out and evolve into so much more.

The healing process was much faster the second time around. Other guys tried to pursue relationships with me but most of them just wanted to fuck. No other guy that came into my life compared to the type of man that i desired. Maybe i held on to certain traits of the men i had fallen in love with before and subconsciously wanted a mix of those men in one guy. As 2020 and 2021 went by i became more aware that all men wanted was sex. To “Straight men” i’m nothing more than a freaky fantasy to keep on the down low and to the masculine gays i’m not sexy enough or masculine enough. It’s like i'm stuck in relationship limbo. It’s so ironic that it causes me to laugh a bit. 2022 is half way over and i don’t see my situation changing anytime soon. I have decided that i have spent too much time trying to find my happily ever after in other men.

I’m in no way pursuing love. I don’t want to find it anytime soon. I want to just fuck who i desire and have them watch me walk away when i am bored. In the last year i have gone on some amazing girl trips, concerts, outings, had wild night, met new people, gotten a great new job, seen sunrises and sunsets, fucked with gorgeous men and made the most of life like i have never had in so long. Life is starting to become perfect and that is because i began to put my wants and desires first. Sometimes i don’t recognize myself when i look in the mirror and i’m not mad at that. I see a man that had to break emotionally in ways i don’t wish upon anyone, and rose from the ashes as a whole new person. I’m not bitter with life, im understanding and that took a lot of growing up to do. I understand that not everything one desires in life, one will get, and i'm okay with that.

So if you’re one of the lucky ones that have found someone special, give it your all. I’m not saying it will work out even though i hope it does, but give it your all. This way there will be no regrets on your behalf and your ex can never throw in your face that you didn’t try. Instead the opposite will happen. When their new relationship begins to crumble they will always look back and remember how good they had it with you, but by then, it will be too late and they will have to live with the guilt that they gave up on you and all you had to offer all because they thought the grass was greener on the other side.

Love passionately.

10:24pm

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dumbbitchfrommars · 2 years

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it appears that youre under the impression that i, for some reason, am in a constant state of chaos and in need of assistance. that i am the messy one. that its too much to keep in touch, or you might get stuck listening to my problems and youll have to fix them, when you’re oh so preoccupied already. well, news flash! im not a kid anymore. i havent been for a while, but you’ve been too stubborn to change your perception in the past 6 years youve been away from home. in fact, youre so delusional that youve convinced yourself all your problems are mine, and youve been the one listening to my same bullshit problems for the past year when its been quite the opposite. its hurtful, to think you are so close to someone when really all they are doing is sucking up your energy to only turn their back on you. the most hurtful part being my inability to protect that energy once again, but i never was good at setting boundaries with my family. especially you, my big sister who ive always looked up to and wished to be loved by. anyway, im so pissed off at you but mostly me because i know ill come crawling back when youre ready to talk to me again. why is it like that? why do you get to decide when i do or dont deserve to hear from you? i dont have to be talking to you in the first place! youve made it clear to our entire family how little you care for us! i am the last person who deserves this kind of treatment! i have been here for you, listening to you, trying to give you the best advice and to hear you out when youre a complete mess! have you ever, just once, even considered that i might need someone right now? that i am alone too? youve built yourself a life, but i have no one, you of all people know how hard it is for me to get close to people. you didnt even talk to me on my birthday. is it that hard to be talking to me? to hear from me? whatever. its of no use to me to make assumptions and make up reasons or excuses for you. what i can do is change my behaviour and change the cycle. i dont think i should talk to you for a while. youre clearly not on a vibration that matches mine, and you havent for a while. we are on different paths. and for some reason youve decided that means cutting off your entire fucking family. but its not my place to judge or criticise. i can only be patient and understanding, and make the active choice to PROTECT MY OWN ENERGY. this has been bothering me for the longest time. its the same cycle too. so why continue to let myself get hurt, and be in this constant state of fear of abandonment? this isnt me running away from my problems nor is it me cutting someone off when things get hard like i always tend to do. no. this is my sister. and its not forever. i am smart enough to identify when something, or someone, is doing more damage than good in my life. and unfortunately, the one thing that brought me a lot of comfort and joy once upon a time, is now hurting me most. good bye for now.

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craycraybluejay · 2 years

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Lotus Eater//Biiiiig Personal Vent

Having the lyric "and I know you know I'm not the one" from the song Lotus Eater stuck in your head kind of mood. kill me

just thinking ab my relationships. and well, am I ever gonna be the one? is there such a thing? i feel so disillusioned and disconnected from love as a concept, a feeling, an anything. and i dissociate myself constantly and try to act "normal" and god I *want* to love normally. i want to be able to feel magical things. but fuck im so tired and done. i'm such a fucking asshole. flippant with the people that really care for me and clingy to those who would throw me in a dumpster without a second thought. what is wrong with me? oversexualizing absolutely everything but unable to connect sex to love as concepts. more absorbed in fantasy than reality and not even feeling quite "there" in fantasy either. like i'm in a limbo state. i can't lose myself in my head, i can't stay outside of it well enough to be in reality, and i cant afford to be high enough not to care. i *need* better than videogames and conversations to pass the time and emptiness. i *need* the pleasant warm blanket of an opioid telling me i can love and i can hope and i can feel no pain. it's just become habit. breathe poison into my lungs, waste away in bed, play mindless games, consume porn, get pangs of greater things than me and existential regret. how did i get like this? why am i losing the ability to love? why am i losing the ability to feel or think? time is an insignificant little concept i have no awareness of and im only reminded by random things. numbers and letters blur into endless consumption without creation. images stack up into one monstrous, depraved mural of degeneration. it's summer and the heat is radiating from this little eletrical furnace but i dont feel it. and suddenly its 82 and im too hot but too cold as well. i feel sick, i need a drug to fix me. i feel sick, i need someone to fix me. i need to be okay, i need to tell myself it's going to be okay, it has to be okay. my emotions arent going anywhere, theyre just taking a little VACATION. this void won't be forever. i'll wake up and i'll be good again. i'll wake up and i'll be carefree as ever soaring through life. well rounded and creative and whole again. when will I wake up. it feels like i'm always sleeping. dormant. like i need to just nail a big sign up on my forehead that says "the number you have dialed is unavailable, please try again later" or "vacant." i don't think i'm lucid much, any more. my dreams feel far more real than whatever this is. dreams of vivid places, people, events, things. more life-like than these dull walls and slowly mounting agony. more life-like than the yelling and unlively violence. more life-like than any love i know in this godforsaken place. and i want to lose myself there, I really do. just finally let myself go so i can fall forevermore in peace, into my mind, and never return. i know it might happen if i do slow down and stop forcing myself into dissociation. getting in my own head and never leaving. why am i so scared? its beautiful there. it's alive. it's super-alive. can i please just never wake up into this sleep again? but i do have nightmares. terrible, rip-your-own-head-off nightmares. nightmares that leave me cold and gasping not for air but for chemicals. take another pill, cure my anxiety for another little while. feel lethargic and "live" on autopilot. sleep and pray I never wake again. please leave me alone i hate it here. what is this love they claim and want from me when they pressure me and betray me and abandon me? and i end up at death's door begging him to let me in. and i know death is the unforgiving type, that drags people through. but i feel like im just pounding at his door and sobbing and begging him to end this quicker and he's just drawing on my agony and desperation, my slow death that feeds him for millenia. my lungs dont work right. none of me does. this isnt even the right body, if there even is one. get me OUT of here. get me out of here. god please. i'm fucking terrified of waking up every day and seeing this room and seeing the sky and hearing not the hum of life but the buzz of dying.

#stuck in my head #lotus eater #foster the people #vent post #personal #drugs #opiods #dissociation

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