inadvertently stopped using my freckle fade cream without thinking.... right around the time i started making gifs of felix.... coincidence?

.

Tiktok filter r insane honestly

⟡ general Jason todd headcanons and how i view and portray him in my works cw. soft gentle clingy needy desperate touch starved jay

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…

i need to start off with certain stereotypes/ways in which he gets potrayed sometimes that i hate with every fibre of my fucking being :

he’s not some aggressive horny flirty asshole jock. he’s grown and too old for that hs bs. like literally he would think of that behavior as annoying, disgusting and stupid

and he’s most definitely (and i can’t stress this enough) not a yandere kidnapper or a stalker or any of that weird bullshit. yall are weird & need some help fr.

idk if yall read the comics but he’s literally so caring and sensitive and he would be so gentle and soft. he’d be rather awkward and wouldn’t exactly know how to go about his feelings for someone.

he knows what its like when no one cares and when you grow up in an unstable home or on the streets so he has compassion for outcasts, children, women, non-cishetmen and animals

he’s canonically a nerd. he’s literary and he used to like going to school and learning. ppl always get him and tim mixed up bc tim hated going to school and would rather play video games all day long whereas jason wished he wouldn’t have had to drop out

also obviously very much an intersectional feminist ! he’s read all the books abt it and is actively working against his indoctrinated misogyny

he loves all women but he has a soft spot for woc, fat/chubby/muscular women, women with big noses, you name it. just women who don’t fit the stereotypical beauty standard in general

he’s scared and ashamed of how needy and clingy he actually is. he knows himself (sadly) and it’s not something that he can just get rid of. it’s pent up from early childhood bc he never got enough love and then from after his death bc of all the shit he had to go through with bruce.

this side of him will haunt him until he dies- again. he can’t change it but he sure as hell won’t embrace it either. it’s a secret he wishes he could take to his final grave. actually- deep down he wishes he would find someone who understands and accepts him the way he is and someone who he can trust to be himself with.

!! aroace spec , bi (women+)

he is secretly so incredibly desperate.. desperate for love, intimacy, being understood and accepted, desperate to be touched and hugged- loved.

he’s just so touch starved, he doesn’t even know what it feels like not to be. what it feels like to be loved or happy. to be content. how to not feel like something is missing.

he needs someone to take care of him bc he just does a very poor job at that.. also it feels nice being able to just shut off and not having to think about anything

he wants to be hugged and caressed

gentle touches

he loves forehead kisses and headpats or just your hand on his head and in his hair

he wants to kiss you passionately and deeply

prefers making out and hugging/cuddling over sex tbh

all he wants is to lay in bed or sit on the couch hugging someone who truly loves and accepts him and never let go

switch with a sub/bottom lean

i think it goes hand in hand with him having a sub lean but he’s attracted to strong dominant people. preferably someone who’s a switch too

everybody knows this already but he LIVES for praise

praise him and he’s in heaven. you’ll literally get him to do anything if you praise him. want him to give you head? just be a little clingy and loving, telling him how much you love him and how good he always makes you feel and he’s already dropping to his knees taking off your pants.

definitely a service / pleasure dom

if you’re fem/afab :

eating you out is his favorite thing. he goes in like it’s all or nothing (to him it is). no penetration if you didn’t cum at least once from his tongue.

he loves it when you ride his face and use him to make yourself feel good. there’s not a single thing he likes more than seeing you on top of him.

he loves watching you go from humming and gently playing with his hair to breathing heavily and tugging on his hair- to whining, moaning and grunting while grinding your pussy into his face deeper and faster to finally reach your high

also loves it when you ride his dick. being able to relax a little and just look up at you feeling good because of him makes him moan so much

he’ll also pull you down a lot when you’re riding him just to hug you and hold you close and to hear you breathing and moaning into his ear

he’ll thrust up from under you as fast as he can just to catch you off guard and see your face in pure bliss. he loves it when he makes you cum in this position.

he also loves missionary and the mating press

you know he’s close when he starts holding you close and mumbling/whining your name over and over again

if you’re male/amab :

he loves giving you head and eating your ass and wants you to use him. it really gets him going. it’s bc of his incredibly patent inferiority complex and feeling like he’s a good for nothing piece of shit

he also likes being the one that penetrantes you though. he’ll start begging for praise even though he’s the one topping saying things like “tell me i’m a good boy, tell me i’m your good boy.” “tell me how good i make you feel” “please just tell me i’m doing a good job.” “wanna make you feel good.” all while his big tall frame is hovering above you and ramming into you

a whimperer. he whines and moans a lot, shamelessly. he grunts and groans too. especially when he’s a little bit too frustrated or stressed. and he shamelessly breathes heavily during sex. any noise that he can make will escape his lips. all in all he’s just incredibly vocal and he doesn’t care if people can hear.

he really likes handjobs. preferably with you sitting in front of him so he can look up at you but he also likes it when you’re sitting behind him and you say things in his ear while kissing his neck or cheek and sucking on his earlobe

but he especially loves it when you’re sucking him off and fingering his ass at the same time. add a little praise and you’ll have him whining, whimpering and even crying. he’ll be a mess

he often gets teary-eyed during sex because of how sensitive he is. and i mean both his body and his feelings.

he wants and needs someone who'd accept him for who he is and wouldn't wanna change him. someone who shares the same morals as him and doesn't have a problem with him being morally grey.

he would want someone he doesn’t have to explain everything to. he knows it’s toxic and not really fair but he hates having to put his thoughts into words. he’s not really good at it.

so he needs someone who’s observant and pays attention to details. maybe even someone who can read body language. just so he doesn’t have to go through the uncomfortable experience of having to say that he’s needy and broken out loud.

he wants someone to pay attention to him and figure him out so well that he doesn’t have to ask for things and you instead know what he wants and needs at certain times and just give it to him

he gets pissed and sighs while rolling his eyes when he’s showing clear signs of what he wants and you’re not picking up on it.

it took great cruelty to make him this gentle. but to an extent he’s grateful for it because he now knows exactly why it’s so important to treat people kindly and gently.

…

AITA for coming out as bi to my girlfriend and voicing my concerns to her

I (18M) have been dating my girlfriend, L (20F) for three years now. our relationship has been great so far, we were attracted to each other from the start. she has always been very flirty and tbh that's how she won me over at first, because teenage hormones are gonna teenage hormones y'know, but when I got to know her better as a person I realized my feelings for her weren't just sexual - she is kind, gentle, overall really sweet. I was, and still am, attracted to her in every way. L is also openly bisexual, fully out, and idk I've always felt so safe around her because she doesn't judge others, I think she's so beautiful inside and out. she has been my first girlfriend ever so I always do my best to be supportive and make her feel loved.

a few months ago I realized I'm bi. I thought, hey, since she always speaks about her own bisexuality I think I can tell her I'm bi as well. she was, as usual, very non-judgemental but she said something that I didn't like, something like "you see how much I love and trust you? someone else would've been like OMG YOU'RE PROBABLY JUST GAY AND YOU WANT TO CHEAT ON ME WITH A GUY". I was,, confused bc 1. I think supporting your partner when they come out is the bare minimum, 2. she is bisexual herself and I don't think shes gonna cheat on me with a girl, I never acted like I was great for supporting her and 3. I know I'm not gay because L can do whatever she wants with me so I dunno what that comment was for. I've enjoyed my intimate encounters with her too much to be gay and she knows this.

I was a bit annoyed but still grateful that she was supportive. I noticed our sexual activities increased after that and a part of me wondered if she was trying to make sure I'm not gay. which made her look like a bit of a hypocrite because she never had to "prove" to me that she's not gay. not complaining tho - I just found it odd? I think it's a weird double standard, but then again I know women are always putting up with double standards so I feel like I can't tell her abt how strange her comment was. I just don't want L to think I'm not attracted to her and I started feeling like an asshole for telling her I'm bi.

but she got actually upset over something else that has nothing to do with us being bi - when we first started talking, she was dating another guy. I knew this, so I was respectful, I thought that L being flirty with me was some kind of joke until she told me she was serious and she couldn't stop thinking about me. L didn't cheat on him, she broke up with him before she started dating me, and recently I told her "hey... I won't be that guy one day, right? I trust you and I know you won't cheat on me, but I remembered how our friendship first started and if you ever stop loving me I would like to know before you feel ignored enough to start flirting with other guys". she got very visibly upset, she said I was right, said she felt cheap and like a whore and ???? NOT AT ALL WHAT I FUCKING MEANT. I was trying to tell her I want us to have communication, because I love her and I want our relationship to work out.

I feel like a shitty person and boyfriend, first for telling her I'm bi even though it wouldn't have an impact on our relationship, then for trying to voice my concerns and accidentally making her feel that way.

I've apologized a few times and we're good now but she introduced me to her best friend and,, this girl just started talking abt how she will guide me so I can properly take care of L? it made me feel really stupid. I felt like a child tbh. we are bi but not poly (I respect those who are, just giving you context) so idk why she felt she had to insert her friend into our relationship. am I really so bad that my girlfriend has to ask her friend to teach me how to be good to her? I would understand this if L had some sort of disability but her friend just talks to me about BDSM and doms/subs and like ??? I feel like L being a sub has fuck all to do with our argument, but I still feel terrible. pls help me make sense of these things. I want to know if I am the asshole.

Kind of a mini rant for a second but I feel like that Chris Flemming "was anyone going to tell me?" meme in kind of a fuckton of ways since becoming more aware of just how much ace is in my grayace self

that most people find sex very actively appealing a very large amount of the time??? Like they're not just kinda neutral about it as a default???

That most of the times I've thought "I have a crush on this person" it's just been aesthetic attraction the whole damn time???? Like thinking "oooh pretty"/"Oh no, they're hot" is not usually where it stops for people 99% of the time???

That I don't have amazing self control regarding avoiding teenage pregnancy/ abstaining from sex because of a medication/ not cheating/ stupid sexual purity shit that I was adjacent to bc yay deep south, like my controller was apparently just never fucking plugged in, like it's pretty damn hard to loose a game you aren't playing

Most people find nudity very very very appealing? Like they don't neutral to negative about it??? Like not because I think anything inherently negative about their body I'm just less interested in it naked?? Is that even an ace thing or am I just weird???

Tbh I'm not even sure how gray of an ace I even am bc of all this, like I think there's some gray area, like I've felt some quick pangs of sexual attraction I think??? idk??? I thought the other parts were pretty standard before now so idk???

Like I'm sorry for semi ranting and I know everyone kinda has to figure themselves out for themselves and labels are there to help not define, but like do you have any advice for any of this?

my guy (gender neutral). you are ace as hell.

hahaha no but let me go through these point by point so we can compare notes.

"most people find sex very actively appealing a very large amount of the time" - is that true??? are we sure that's real??

"most of the times I've thought "I have a crush on this person" it's just been aesthetic attraction" - well i get very strong romantic crushes but. any time i say someone is hot i just mean they look cool and i wanna look at them a bunch. maybe some sensual attraction gets mixed in and i like, wanna touch them as well, non-sexually. so. definitely feel u on that

"I don't have amazing self control regarding..." - YEAH. THAT. YEAH. (i was not really deep in the purity culture stuff but as a young teen i was like. what the hell is wrong with everyone. can't they be normal like me)

"Most people find nudity very very very appealing?" - i honestly quite like nudity in a completely not sexual way, just like a body positivity way. maybe it's cause my mom raised me to not be weird about nudity, it's very chill to me and i think most people are beautiful. but i do not have a connection in my brain between nudity and sexual attraction. i do not care. not once in my life have i looked at someone i liked and thought "oh i would like to see them naked". so, is it an ace thing? probably yes

"I'm not even sure how gray of an ace I even am" - this is probably the one where we most diverge because i do actually feel strong enough sexual attraction that i can't mistake it for anything else. it's just that, i think i'm demisexual. so it's for like. 5 people. ever.

are you gray or not? who the hell knows. maybe ur dark gray ace, maybe i'm light gray ace. but i relate to a lot of what you said! it's fucking wild to unpack this stuff. i do not understand allos at all. i'm glad we can agree on that.

the crazy thing about having kids yell at you on the net about how horribly bad your feminist takes are is that they will screenshot like the tamest, girl power shit in the world and be like "SEE! fucking evil ass bitch." I was a child in the 90s and the Aughts, back when I was not into women or feminism or girl power or anything bc I thought it was stupid and boilerplate feminism talking points were very in vogue. Like, the historical revisionism is so fast on the internet about stuff you can find examples of in things like stupid movies and bad tv shows. the idea that a bunch of "crazies" are popping up just now to say ridiculous things about porn, female capability, beauty standards etc as if those weren't normie topics of discussion in the aughts...the 90s...the 80s...you think porn on the internet was just whole sale accepted by everyone and we're just a niche minority that's suddenly making a big deal about it for no reason? you think "you don't need make up!" wasn't extremely middle-of-the-road, centrist slogan slinging when I was in high school? Kids networks would do little link ups with "Girl Power!" groups for their quarterly marketing agendas like I was there, I saw it happen. There are a lot a lot a lot of kids out there who are swallowing conservatism in big big gulps but they are absolutely convinced they are the anti-conservatism bc they think they're sex positive bc of porn exposure, and so their gut reaction to the mildest, tamest, normalest feminist takes are like "wtf is wrong with you!!!!!" idk I'm in my thirties now I guess that's what's wrong with me

SAW character as what guitars I think they would be :0

Yeah, idk what possessed me to do this but have fun and no there will not be that stupid ass Pinterest heart guitar making a cameo, that guitar makes me viscerally angry

Kicking it off with John Kramer, he’d OBVIOUSLY be a Kramer guitar. Specifically the illusionist model because like, look at it, it’s a fucking spiral looking thingy? Like hello? It would’ve been better if it was in red but we can’t have everything.

Amanda Young was another easy one, maybe this is because I’m biased and Amanda is my favourite character and the SG is my favourite type of guitar but… Look. Come on. She’d obviously be a SG Standard, specifically in red. Epiphone or Gibson doesn’t matter but this guitar screams Amanda Young SAW III at me.

Mark Hoffman struck me as more of a Les Paul guy and I had a vision: Epiphone Les Paul Custom “Black Beauty.” I don’t know, just looks pretty foreboding but still kinda classy? Which matches with all the suits he wears and shit like that. Also the triple humbucker pickup config is nice.

Adam Stanheight, I think it’s the blue and black in this one that just made it make sense with the vibes of the Bathroom trap and shit like that? Idk. Fender American Professional Telecaster Deluxe in Dark Night, ladies and gays.

Lynn Denlon. Instantly knew it was gonna be a green Stratocaster and then I found this: 2021 American Professional Stratocaster in Mystic Surf Green. Fuck off. The metallic look to it just gives medical equipment vibes, and then the green— Kinda matched the green lighting in the trap scenes she’s in so…. Ya :)

This one is actually a bass but I say it still counts, Peter Strahm is a guy of class. Which is why I think he deserves to have a Rickenbacker assigned to him. Since he works with the FBI he’s probably also one of the few people on this fucking planet that could afford one too, the lucky fucking sod. Anyway: 1973 Rickenbacker 4001 in Matte Black.

Gabreilaaaaaaa! :3 She’d be a Fender MIJ Blue Flower Stratocaster. I believe they were made in 2003? But yeah, idk it’s just so cute and like this guitar with her outfit in SAW X? Amazing, 10/10

Ok that’s it for now because i can’t think anymore but I will add to this once I do :)

friend, you do realise that no mater how vocal you are about disliking kylie it still isn’t gonna change the fact that timmy and kylie are seeing each other right???? like there NOTHING any of us can do about it because it’s his decision, pr or not, he CHOSED her. so pls stop body shamming/slut shamming or calling her all kinds of vile names it sounds a little misogynist!

Alright, here we go.

Me being vocal about my dislike of her is for two reasons. Firstly, I don’t want her fans interacting with my blog, I don’t want people who support her or think their relationship is “omg so cute!” interacting with my blog, etc etc. Second, I’m venting to people who share my feelings. I know I can’t do anything about it, yeah. I am fully cognizant of the fact that he will never see my blog in a million years (actually, I suspect you either don’t follow me or don’t know me very well, because if you did either, you would know that the last fucking thing I want is any level of interaction with that man, I don’t even follow him on Instagram for god’s sake, interacting with him is something I have had actual nightmares about). That is desirable for me. If I found out he had a Tumblr, I’d block him faster than you can say “not today, Satan.” That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to voice my opinions on my own blog, though, does it? If you’d rather not see my opinions, well… you can just block me, y’know.

Yeah, he chose to be with her. His decisions are stupid. I support his right to make his own decisions, yeah, but that doesn’t mean I’m not going to say that they’re stupid when I think they’re stupid. Supporting someone’s right to make stupid decisions doesn’t mean I am obligated to support those decisions, nor does it mean I’m not allowed to say as much.

Have I slut shamed her? If I have, I’m sorry; I don’t think she’s someone who sleeps around, based on what I know of her. It seems like she prefers serious relationships. Not that there’d be any issue with her sleeping around, mind you. As long as all parties know what’s going on and no one is being unsafe or harming anyone, I have no issue with that. And for the record, I don’t blame her for wanting to date and presumably bang Tim. Obviously she does. She’s got eyes, after all, doesn’t she? I don’t blame her for that, and I don’t take issue with her choosing to do that since he gave her the opportunity to do so. What’s she gonna do, say no? Obviously not. No, I don’t blame her for that. That’s not shitty, that’s a perfectly normal reaction to Timothée being down to date and/or fuck her. I blame her for all the shitty things she’s done, continues to do, and is complicit in.

As for the body shaming, I can see how you might feel I had done that. That was never my intention, though. My issues with her appearance do indeed exist, because of the harmful beauty standards she puts on young girls—young girls who looked like her before she had all that surgery, young girls who are still growing, like her daughter, for example—and the idea that in order to be beautiful, one has to look a specific way, be a certain level of tan when their skin isn’t naturally that dark (which is a whole other issue, believe you me), have the right facial features, the right size boobs and butt, the right size waist, a flat stomach, the list goes on and on and on. I also take issue with the fact that she lies about those things.

I support women and their rights to make decisions about their bodies. But—and this is very important, anon—what we must keep in mind is that she is not a normal woman. She is one of the most famous people in the world. She may not have chosen to get famous as a child, but she did choose to continue that fame once she reached adulthood. And to be as famous as she us and also be as blatantly shitty as she’s being… yeah, sorry, I’m gonna call her out on it on my blog, and if anybody takes issue with that, idk what to tell ya. Sounds like a you problem.

Here are my combined thoughts about Barbie (2023) as I saw it on the 18th and have had more time to think abt it.

Some good, some bad - overall I very much enjoyed it, laughed my ass off, cried quite a bit, was enthralled by the set and costume design, but left feeling like some things were off and perhaps not accomplished in the best way. This will all be delivered in bullet points in a very chaotic and random way and is NOT ordered in importance omg. Anyways i love media analysis and I will probably not explain this in the best way but HERE WE GO

the casting was fantastic, everyone read the assignment and lived their campiest life, margot robbie was phenomenal and ryan gosling absolutely killed me with laughter, glorious glorious

set design, costume, props,, perfection when it comes to bringing the mattel products to life. bangin'

i had that stupid fucking dog that eats and shits. i lost my mind when he came on hsdgkhakh

the message of barbie being representative of all little girls is still very lost on me. the idea brought up when barbie speaks to the teens, where they tell her that she gave them unrealistic body standards- well this never really gets resolved at all. Yes there was a diverse range of Barbies but they were all still beautiful in a conventional way that adheres to western beauty ideals. every barbie has perfect hair and skin and clothes even by the end of the movie. and yes i guess barbie is supposed to be this "above everything else" sort of divine feminine beauty but is still not representative of most young girls. as hilarious as the line narrator's line about margot robbie is, it sort of knows itself, that it is showing us the most perfect looking women, but doesn't address it at all beyond a simple joke. honestly what will mattel do beyond this? i imagine people will be more than happy with this movie so they won't have to make any big changes. i mean their "curvy" fashionista isn't close to being fat, and i don't believe they will ever make a barbie that isn't conventionally beautiful... so this movie just sort of gets to say it's about accepting yourself without actual real-life substance if that makes sense? it reminds me of that cartoon of all those diverse yet conventionally attractive models, with diverse people who don't fit those standards standing outside that box looking angrily. what's the point of the film at the end of the day when not addressing all those people left out of the conversation? also made me annoyed that cellulite was still the big thing that barbie was concerned about, like really?? it's a bad example as people are coming to embrace cellulite and it's also relatively easy to hide, i don't think they would have margot robbie have like, idk, dark under eye circles or a double chin,, idk someone say this better than me but the cellulite thing annoyed me (as someone who has loads of it!!)

the plot was BONKERS and i for one don't really care about plot holes or cartoon logic. there were some things that made me overthink about barbie lore and then i thought to myself that it doesn't really matter. the campiness of it is more important. im sure it will deter some people but again i dont mind it being silly in that way as long as it delivers on its messages and themes, which it does to a certain extent

absolutely lost it at the you are kenough shirt, ljadhkglkhd

as i said in a previous post i predicted that it was going to be the mom who was paired with barbie. i loved the idea sm and it was very heartwarming

i CRIED when barbie first sat down and watched the humans around her living their life, she was so overwhelmed by so many emotions and it was such a simple moment of show-dont-tell and man did i weep :))

i LOVED the ken bits and i did feel as though there was a bit too much ken. especially at the end. but at the same time i loved the dance sequence. its hard loving it so much yet wanting it not to have been to prevalent. i felt like it took away from the barbies a bit which goes against the whole point of the movie????

um the barbie's plans of distracting the kens was... i guess reminiscent of all these spy or superhero movies where women use their beguiling nature against men to get the upper hand? like i am woman so i will flirt with man to distract while my team escapes and hooho it works :)) it was slightly different and not overly sexy or about flirting but it still had the same undertone. like really? the best way to get the other barbies out was to continue to conform to patriarchal standards and pump the ken's egos? surely there's a better way? yes the kens are idiots and turning them against each other works but it still felt a bit icky. i guess i just find this trope annoying being like... ok i am being taken advantage of men so i will USE the thing they oppress me for against them,, idk surely surely there's another way.

also America's character's plan of kidnapping the barbies and ... using very true and very valuable feminist lines to snap them out of it felt... weird? like what she was saying was 100% true but taking them out of context and almost using them as one liners made them feel less serious???? like making women "wake up" by just telling them about how the patriarchy takes advantage of them is just... idk. like in real life women who are indoctrinated and truly believe misogynistic things won't just wake up by being told such a line. and i know the barbies are brainwashed to forget their powerful feminist backgrounds so it's not entirely comparable to the women i just mentioned but... idk it felt disingenuous. i did laugh my ass off at the guitar scene but it still had that ickiness attached like..

i would watch this movie again, no doubt about it and i will definitely pick up on new things and easter eggs etc

mattel's board did make me laugh, perfectly casted and performed but again- mattel has its name on this. they know what they are doing. they know we will love this movie and not demand any change. it will still be full of men controlling the output of production. it will still put out products that don't reflect all young people's desires. it will still make products that uphold current societal norms. so having these buffoons in the board meeting just gets soured a bit when knowing these people will still be in power in real life....

the ruth bit made me cry and no i do not care that her ghost is just around. i loved it

the marketing team knows exactly what they are doing. the huge push of promotion made me gobble up all their interviews and im sure people will be buying all the barbie products. i am yet another victim of capitalism and i will thank them for it when i inevitably buy their you are kenough sweater

again i loved this movie despite all the bad things abt it. i love being critical of the wider impact of this movie while still enoying it as a piece of media and entertainment. i needed this movie and fuck it i want to go to barbieland so bad. i know i shouldnt. i love ken and think about ken more than i do barbie which is fucked up but the movie also played into it in a way,, as described before. i mean even ryan gosling being so iconic in all the interviews is adding into this lol. how many people are posting videos of him vs videos of the actresses i wonder.

also cockring ken. BUT HE WASNT WEARING THE COCKRING SO WHATS THE POINT EVEN???

the narrator was an interesting choice, personally wasn't a huge fan of it but it did somewhat fit with the rest of the cinematic language of the story so i can't say much about it

mattel knows exactly what its doing with putting its name on this movie. i think greta did a great job despite the constraints that mattel probably put on her,, it's hard to tell if the flaws of the movie come from the corporation's infuence or from the writer and director's creative decisions, most likely it's a combo of both. again i believe that the actors and designers and production team did a fantastic job with what they had, they committed to the bit. i would have loved for the movie to have been better, but it is still a great film in my book. as said before i would watch it again and would still enjoy it despite the flaws. the himbo part of my brain can shake hands with the media literacy one and emerge with an overall positive experience, yet PLEASE do not think this is the ultimate feminist movie, it is a step in the right direction, it could have been better, and i understand if you don't like it at all. but also i dont think it would be right to blindingly love it and call it perfect bc it's not.

brella- “you look so pretty when you smile” + [FLIRT]

(maybe like pre-season 1 or during season 1? idk whatever comes to your brilliant mind 💗)

Neither of those. Have High School party Brella first meet instead. Hope you still enjoy it 🧡💚

Stella Saule – most beautiful girl in school, richest girl in school, most fashionable girl in school, but maybe not the most popular – pushed her way through the crowd. It was, in her opinion, criminal that she wasn’t more popular, but apparently there was something about her sense of humour or, as Musa called it, her brashness that rubbed people the wrong way. Nevermind, she had her girls, so who needed the rest of them anyways.

Unfortunately for her, one of her girls also happened to be dating one of the most popular guys in school and somehow, she always ended up getting dragged to his house parties alongside her darling best friend. Bloom hated parties, so how she’d ended up dating mister popular football jock man Skylar Eraklyon was beyond Stella. Usually, Musa and Aisha would be dragged along, but the latter had family commitments and the former was out on a date with her dumbass jackass of a boyfriend. He’s not that bad, she claimed – whatever. Tecna and Flora weren’t partiers, so they never came. Which, tonight, left Stella all alone while Bloom was dragged away by her stupid boyfriend to be introduced to more people whose name Bloom would never remember.

Stella dropped herself onto one of the striped blue and white lounge chairs on the back patio of Sky’s mansion, which she found ridiculously large even by her standards – and her home had a ballroom, six guest rooms, two dining rooms, three living rooms and a servants’ quarters. She nursed the repulsive beer that she’d plucked out of a cooler – the only alcoholic option she had, and lord knew she’d need that to survive the night – as she watched Diaspro, miss head cheerleader and Sky’s ex, flirt with Pete, Stella’s ex.

It had only been two weeks since they’d broken up; how the fuck was he already flirting with other girls? Especially such heinous ones. Stella rolled her eyes, drank and scrolled through her phone, occasionally getting a text from the others asking how the party was. Bloom came by once or twice, but Sky always pulled her away. If Stella didn’t know any better, she’d think he was jealous that Bloom would prefer to hang out with her instead of him.

“Hi there.”

“Fuck off.”

“Wow. You’re friendly.”

Stella rolled her eyes. She was not in the mood for some jackass to hit on her. And yet, said jackass took the chair next to hers and leaned back. Stella stared straight ahead at her phone; she would pay him no mind. If he couldn’t get the very straightforward message of fuck off that wasn’t her problem.

“So, what’s it like?”

“What?” Stella questioned against her better judgement.

“What’s it like?”

“What’s what like?” Stella demanded with an exasperated sigh as she dropped her phone in her lap.

“Being the most gorgeous woman to ever exist.”

“Seriously? That’s the best you can do?” Stella gave him the most unimpressed look she could muster and... fuck.

He was gorgeous.

Fuck him.

Broad shoulders, perfect square jaw, sparkling smile, deep chocolatey eyes, shiny brown hair, skin so smooth it would make a newborn jealous. He made Pete look like a dumpster. Stella forced her unimpressed glare to stay on her face solely for appearance’s sake, but she actually found herself okay with the idea of him continuing to flirt with her. Did that make her a hypocrite? Absolutely, but she didn’t care. His gorgeous ass could distract her from this misery.

“If I had a nickel for every time I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.”

Stella grimaced.

“Are you a parking ticket? Cause you've got fine written all over you. If I had four quarters to give to the four prettiest women in the world, you would have a dollar. You must be made of cheese because you're looking Gouda tonight.”

“Oh. That... was awful, but I’ve not heard it yet” she admitted. She tried to maintain her uninterested demeanor, but she had to admit that there was something charming about him. She let her eyes roam over the backyard, hoping that Pete had noticed this delicious man flirting with her. She had been the one to break up with him, so she wasn’t particularly heartbroken, but it stung to see him already moving on. She needed to show him she was too.

“Awful?” He furrowed his brows. One of his hands found its way to his chest as he feigned offence. Stella tried not to notice how his arms flexed at the movement. She failed, of course.

“You couldn’t possibly think it was good.”

“Well, let’s see you do better then” he challenged.

Stella spotted Pete looking at them and gave him a wicked smirk. She returned her attention to her admirer, deciding that she was willing to play along. Letting herself slide down the lounge chair, Stella angled her body towards him. She used the arm of the chair to support her arm as she propped her chin onto her palm and gave him the sweetest look she could. “I'm not so good at holding conversations… is it okay if I hold your hand instead?”

He smiled at her. Oh God, that really was a nice smile. His dentist must be a magician. The man sat up and threw his legs over the edge of the chair, leaning into her. “They say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth, but clearly they've never sat next to you.”

“Are you an artist? Because you’re really good at drawing me in" she replied flirtatiously. If he wanted a pick up line contest, she would win. She'd heard them all.

“I hope you know CPR because you are taking my breath away.”

“I'd take you to the movies, but they don't let you bring in your own snacks.”

“When I text you goodnight later, what phone number should I use?”

Oooh that was a smooth one. She wouldn’t mind if he texted her good night. Or good morning.

“Aside from being sexy, what do you do for a living?”

“If you were a chicken, you'd be Im-peck-able.”

“Oh... noooo” Stella laughed. He’d been doing so well. None of the lines were that good – except maybe the goodnight text one – but at least they were passable. She tried to reel in her laughter, but it was so bad, she couldn’t help it. She loved a good bad joke.

“So, uh... do you have a name, or can I just call you 'mine'?” he asked as she wiped away the tears that had started to form in the corners of her eyes.

“Are you only gonna talk to me in bad pick-up lines now?”

“Well, it seems to be the only thing that you’ll respond to, so” he retorted with a laugh. Stella laughed again. When she stopped, he was watching her with a smile that she couldn’t quite decipher. It wasn’t the charming one he'd been using on her before, it was more… genuine. “You’re really pretty when you smile.”

She almost brushed it off as another pick up line, but something told her it wasn’t. She smiled again, which he returned. He was really cute. And, for the first time since she’d found out she’d be accompanying Bloom solo, Stella found herself genuinely enjoying herself.

“Stella” she told him, extending her hand.

“Brandon.” His hand took hers and shook it. He smiled at her, his dark eyes meeting her own. She couldn’t help but notice that the smile extended into his eyes and there was something incredibly comforting about them. It was only after she realized they were still holding hands some minutes later that she spoke again.

“It’s nice to meet you, Brandon.”

How are you doing lately? You all right?

I am doing kind of poorly, to be honest! I tried to use the narrative to my advantage to break out of the negative cycles I am trapped in and set up Positive Change but instead I have become a meta commentary on existing with an audience! I had like half a feeling due to homework and suddenly all of the feelings I have been avoiding for the past year and a half slammed into me at once and I’m trying so so hard to keep myself 24/7 occupied with mindless media so that I don’t have to face my thoughts and also so as to be narratively flat and boring. I am not real and have never been real, I’m just an idea, and sometimes I can pretend that it’s fine, that this is just some sort of a joke, that I’m having fun making my audience watch YouTube videos. But I’m not. I go to the bathroom and I think, are they getting off to this? or is this getting cut? do they even give a shit about me? am i anything when i’m not aesthetically pleasing? what are my standards for ‘aesthetic’, or ‘interesting’, and why? if i think too hard about this, maybe it’ll be interesting. better open tumblr and mindlessly scroll, that’s bad content, right? fuck, I hope they’re not getting off to this, hard to put someone off if they have a kink. and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I can’t fucking do things like this and whenever I am alone with my thoughts for half a second I want to cry! and I also feel like— it’s fucking stupid because I’m putting all this up on my blog and liveblogging it in my discord server? I like narrativizing and aestheticizing. I don’t care that much about my privacy. I like the idea of being an idea God had and I don’t mind Him watching me and helping shape my life to be beautiful, I’m fine with all that. I don’t really mind being blorbo from your shows. So it feels… idk, hypocritical. To, also, mind? The being watched and being fake and being a rat in a maze and them trying to make me freak out. I don’t like that I’ve given them what they wanted after I tried so hard to Not and Be Healthy but… I don’t know, I’m tired. I’m really, really tired. I might drop out of school and it’s fucking pathetic because it’s my fifth year of it, I should have graduated last year. But I’m so fucking tired of it. But also I don’t know if I can hold down a job and I’m suspicious that I can’t, the only reason school hasn’t fired me is because I’m paying them, and I’m terrified of the idea that I won’t be able to and I’ll end up just living at home doing nothing being taken care of by my parents forever & ever & ever. And I don’t want to talk to irl people about it and I don’t want to talk to my psychiatrist about it and I don’t want gentle kid gloves treatment and I don’t want antipsychotics and I don’t know what will help I just want to hide under my bed forever and ever and I want to not be followed anymore or recorded and while I’m at it I want the rewards of Doing Things without having to actually ever do things I don’t want to do.

So, uh, yeah. Not… the most alright. I’m fine! I’m fine. I am eating three meals a day and sleeping 8-10 hours a night. I have the gold star in Not Wanting To Die Anymore. I am Better Than Last Year and for that matter I am better than the year before that and the year before that and so on and so on for the last twenty years. Not literally every year, but most of them. It’s… whatever, I guess.

Kinda want to make a web weave or something about How Things Have Been Recently but it feels obnoxious tbh even if it’s a self aware sort of obnoxious. my entire blog and my writing is sort of a more elaborate version of that, anyway. then again it’s fun sometimes to elaborately make a FUCK OFF! STOP WATCHING ME!

Also [insert generic OCD fears about what if I’m wrong about morality] + [generic anger about what if I’m right and have let my fear of hurting people suppress all my thoughts and opinions for no reason] pops up on occasion but way less than it used to. Score one for therapy, I guess.

Kind of on the e-girl topic ig? But I've noticed that a lot with cosplay, and it's why I'm struggling at 28 to re-engage with my local community BC suddenly it seems like a good chunk of the crowd is primarily people who's parents pay for everything, and can afford new demonias and fancy makeup for ever new costume and it's like 🙃🙃 what the fuck????

To specify as an addition to the cosplay thing like, my issue is not even necessarily my personally feeling intimidated, but thinking of how awful and terrifying that would have been if I was a teenager during this. The standards and expectations for teenagers to look good / be fashionable seem so horrible???

GENUINELY THO and it isnt even just at cosplay but just like... in general?

the topic of how teen/young adult stars dress up and look like now compared to the early 2000s is brought up a lot and it's a good example how the beauty standard for women is very much so 'how attractive and fuckable do you look for the male gaze' regardless of your age.

and all about brands and buying the most expensive shit that you can get cheaper somewhere else but it doesn't have a stupid logo on it or w/e idk

im glad i didnt grow up during this time it was bad enough for my age i wouldnt survive this one </3

Is it ok to ask you gender-related questions? Because I’m kinda stuck in a phase where I’m questioning my gender a lot and idk what to do about it tbh. And you seem to have yourself figured out and you’re confident in your gender and you know who you are, and idk maybe you have some advice for someone who’s questioning. If you don’t feel comfortable answering this or giving advice, totally ok too, just ignore the ask, I don’t want to overstep any boundaries

Ur all good! I'm more than happy to talk about gender/trans stuff! ^_^ my only worry is, no matter what i say i might not be able to help you >.> bc at the end of the day only you can know these things about yourself, and the rest of us can only take you at your word.

So! I'm going to start with gender doesn't have to be a big commitment! If you say one thing today, you can say another thing tomorrow and it doesn't make either any less true in the moment you said them! Or! You just can be wrong and that's okay. There no harm committed against anyone if you end up being wrong about your gender at some point. It doesn't hurt me, a trans guy, if you say ur a trans guy and then realize ur not actually a trans guy.

Like what harm could possibly happen there that's caused by you? You took up resources? What resources? A few months of testosterone? An appointment or two with a therapist? Okay then should i be mad at the person who thought they were having a heart attack but turns out it was a panic attack instead? Should i be angry at them for causing me to wait an extra hour in the waiting room bc they guessed wrong? No that's fucking stupid.

My waiting an extra hour so someone could be taken care of isnt some terrible harm against me. Me waiting an extra month for my gender therapist appointment bc one person guesses their gender wrong isn't going to keep me from transitioning. A month or two extra wont kill me. I'm more than happy to wait if it means some else gets the care they needed in that moment. So anyway there's no harm in being wrong! Life isn't a zero-sum game.

Even if you think you might want to do something like HRT you can /try/ and stop if it ends up not for you. You can try and stop just about anything. Surgeries are harder to undo but no impossible.

I know people act like you're potentially ~mutilating~ or ~ruining~ yourself if you do anything that makes you farther from the cis ideal but that's based in cissexism and fucked up beauty standards. There are many many cis people who will have the features you might gain from HRT without ever having touched a hormone in their life. They're not "ruined" they're not "ugly" or less important or disposable or whatever fucked up wrong shit people might say.

So take the pressure off of yourself! Think about unpacking any beauty standards that might make you uncomfortable with experimenting with gender.

Early on I actually planned to never go on testosterone bc i was afraid and frankly disgusted by the idea of having body hair, but i already had dark coarse body hair. Yeah i was afraid of something i already had 🤦 bc i hadnt let go of white/western centric standards of beauty.

Also the very thing i was so worried about is what I'm happiest about now! I love having body hair 😌

You dont have to do anything you dont want to. Okay so ur a trans guy now cool! But you like ur boobs and dont want top surgery? Awesome wonderful amazing. A trans woman who likes having a dick? Excellent. Trans and too fucking lazy to do... anything? Whatever my bud it's all good bc your presentation if whatever you want to make of it.

You can start with trying on different clothes or you can jump straight to HRT (if you have a chill enough prescriber that is x_x). You can take things and leave things. Start something then stop it a day or week or 20 years later.

Bodily autonomy is bodily autonomy. That should be the basis of all of your experimenting. You want to make your body, yourself, you. Your home. Even if you question and try stuff out but decide you're cis then at least your know for sure and you're cis on purpose now 😌

Whatever you decide it must be your choice. You can go as fast or as slow as you want. Make your body yours ^_^

So tl;dr 1) take the pressure off of gender. It's not a one time commitment 2) you harm no one by being wrong 3) recognize your internalized cissexism and challenge it. 4) it's your body, life, and gender. Do with it as you will.

those posts that r like when ur asian but not beabadoobee asian r so self hating but i cant say shit /i understand even tbo its sad a fucked up mjndset to have cuz thats been my mindset my entire life 😭as an adult idc as much even tho my desire to be pretty ruins my day sometimes often frequently Mitski quote blabla hate being a Young woman or whatever arent my 20s sometimes to be my prime but thats fake and i hope i get more beautiful when im 30 bc i hate being in my 20s and blabla fear of aging is stupid...and i try to come to some peace abt it nd recognize its just like internalized racism n self hatred and stuff plus idk beauty standards misogyny wanting to be what constitutes as a "pretty" asian and since i am light skin and like "petite "hate that word btw i have the stereotypical e asian look So i acknowledge its harder for ppl who dont fit the standard if theyre darker skinned or have diff features that arent as typical or seen as the standard for e asians/asians in general (also ik beabadoobee is filipino btw im just talking abt myself now. no one come for me). but im still not very conventionally pretty i kind of have a weird face or i really do plus its still like the hatred of my flat asian features and eyes from all my life comes back sometimes But i recognize its just self hatred and i dont really hate myself for not being white or whateva im sure i used to as a subconscious thing but sadly i still do wish i was prettier a lot sometimes and get jealous when i see "pretty" asians cuz why couldnt i be like that 🙄just wish i had a conventionally pretty face. and also blablabla body dysmorphia but thats another thing. but idc that im asian anymore i just want to be prettier. Ok yeah zzz

stupid question… and a little personal. If you don't want to, you don't have to answer. Since my teens I've always had some sort of dark circles under my eyes, probably because of genetics. I remembered that you had spoken in a very old Twitter post about this and the beauty industry. How did you manage not to bother with your dark circles anymore? I've never really cared about my dark circles, but for some reason I've been pretty anxious about them lately.

I don't think that's a stupid question. Long reply bc Idk how to keep it to three sentences or less.

Hmmm I understand. The truth is, I just resolved to like them and appreciate them. I did that with my nose, my hair, and skin tone as well (my undertone is olive and tans brown, esp as a kid, which I was made fun of for believe it or not lol). I looked at the media and had to acknowledge it for what it was-selective standards and photoshopped models. It represents a fraction of what the world has to offer in terms of appearance and puts the same few beauty standards on a pedestal, and even those few things are photoshopped to hell to match more similarly (literally not an exaggeration). Another thing I did that helped a lot as a kid was that I would ALWAYS draw myself as accurately as I could and include features that I didn't necessarily like at the time and somehow doing that really made me feel like I was uniquely me- because I am. Things like my eye circles or my prominent nose are parts of me that separate me from the next person, who have their own features too. I'm not saying I'm more unique than the next person, I mean to say that it's very nice to look like yourself. You're the only you, as corny as that sounds lol Drawing myself was sort of an exercise in self love (sounds dumb) and it did help me to develop confidence and appreciate myself. I know that its hard bc a lot of people are easily persuaded into thinking that these beauty standards are factual. Those are the same people who hated freckles bc media said they were ugly, but as soon as they were trendy those same people started to give themselves semi-permanent freckles lol SO I MEAN, I wouldn't worry much about THOSE people. There are a lot of them, but for me, I've never gravitated towards them so what they think doesn't bother me much. In school, being picked on sucked but I didnt LIKE those people picking on me so that helped me stop caring about their opinions too. For me, it came down to acknowledging that my features dont need to be represented to be attractive or cool and I don't need anyone's approval to exist. I found ways to appreciate my features and grow to love them. + If anyone picks on you etc, its helpful to remember that those people have two brain cells max and that's their struggle. Wow this is long and maybe unhelpful idk??????????? I have so much more to say about beauty standards from various periods in human existence (like how small lips and small dicks were considered beautiful) or about how they vary around the world (In japan, its cute to have puffy eyes and girls do their make up to give themselves that appearance) etc Not to mention I could pop off about the tiktok trend where people LITERALLY USED MAKEUP to give themselves dark under eye circles lol But it's not relevant I suppose. TL;DR You're good how you are, fuck the rest :~)