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crazy4myself · 29 days

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No Harm List | Pt. 14

Word count: 5.5k ish

Warnings: explicit language, violence, sexual themes

Summary: You live in a city where crime runs rampant. One day, you save a young boy’s life, not knowing that he is the most powerful crime lord's heir. And you have just been put on the no harm list.

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A/N: Hiii lovelies I know it had been literal years since I’ve properly updated. To avoid confusion you may want to go back a few chapters to refresh; I recommend part 12. Also some of the next few chapters may look familiar bc I re-wrote them. But I think you will like this version much better :)

“Why did you avoid me after we kissed?” you asked again, your voice clear. You did not make yourself elaborate. You didn’t tell him how you’ve felt lost and helpless these weeks. And if you could take it back, you would. But if you were honest with yourself, no part of you really wanted to.

You just looked at him expectantly and watched him squirm in the silence. “Because.. I’m a coward,” he offered, looking down at his hands.

Your silence was loud in the air between you, pressuring him to keep talking, “I was scared because BTS has already put you in so much danger already. I mean, we're not even dating, and you were basically held hostage.”

“Don’t pin this on me.” you cut him off. You knew it was a valid point, but it wasn’t his only reason for not talking to you. “Whether or not I endanger myself to date you is a decision for us to make. Why did you avoid me?” you asked again.

“I was scared. I was scared it was an impulsive or pity kiss after being shot. I was scared you didn’t have feelings for me, so I avoided the rejection.”

You quirked a brow in disbelief. Oh, sure, he was scared of you rejecting him. “It’s true!” he insisted.

“And I don’t even know if I could date you,” he added, and you felt a part of your chest ache at the confession.

“I don’t know if I'm capable of dating with my lifestyle. It's not only a safety hazard, but I don't know if I’m capable of giving you any more of myself than I already have. I think about you all the time. And I love spending time with you. But our friendship, where we were before that kiss, it’s all I know how to give people.”

He turned to you, eyes searching your face for any signs of hurt or betrayal, but he couldn’t read your expression as you quietly whispered, “And what if I told you that’s enough?”

Jungkook parted his lips but was at a loss for words.

“I’ve never really dated,” you explained, “And I don't think I know how to. And school is so stressful, and the program is only going to get more complex. I’m not sure I have time to learn and figure out the ‘right’ way to do it.” You paused as you saw his eyebrows furrow in confusion, and you realized how contradictory you were sounding.

“I like you, Jungkook. I like what we have, and I liked kissing you. But before now, I didn’t think I could date you. Not because of the whole ‘gang’ thing. But because I think-” your voice cracked, “I think something in me broke when I lost Daewon. I never,” You paused to swallow.

“I will never let anyone in like that again because it hurt so bad when I lost her. And we weren’t even together romantically. So, imagine how bad it would hurt to lose a partner?” a hot tear rolled down your cheek, and Jungkook reached up to wipe it. You leaned into the comforting heat of his touch as his callused thumb rubbed soothingly on your cheek.

“What I’m trying to say is we both clearly have boundaries and walls. And we both suck at keeping the other out of some of them. So what if we loved eachother in whatever fucked up way we know how and at least reap the benefits of having shitty partners?” You offered with a hesitant smile.

“The benefits being?” Jungkook asked with a quirked brow.

Mischief glinted in your eyes as you smiled at him before lifting onto your knees and crawling towards him on the couch. Jungkook knew this conversation wasn’t over. He knew he should stop you and assure you that nothing about you was broken for being cautious about who you loved. He wanted to tell you that you were good and kind and would make an incredible partner in any capacity, and he was worried he wouldn’t deserve what you were willing to give. But his mind went blank as you inched so close that he could feel your breath against his face as you murmured, “I can think of a few.”

You moved confidently but still grazed your lips against his in the softest touch as if asking for permission.

Jungkook leaned forward, capturing you in the kiss and pulling you into his lap. It was just as hungry as last time, as if he had been waiting to taste you again. Jungkook felt his body come alight at the joy of feeling you pressed against him. His hands rubbed eagerly against your thighs before wandering up your sides, your arms, and your shoulders as he took all of you in.

The touch wasn’t as much for pleasure as it was a claiming. But still, you skin tingled in response. A trail of goosebumps rose in the wake of every brush of his callused hands.

Finally, you broke the kiss to catch your breath. Pressing your forehead against his, you both smiled like idiots as you took eachother in.

Jungkook leaned in to kiss you again, softer this time. As if the raw desperation passed, he would savor every second now that he had you. His hands were firmly on your waist, and his thumbs rubbed in a soothing motion, lower, and lower as they crept under the hem of your shirt.

You felt core core turning molten and couldn’t reflect back on the last time you had been with someone in this way.

Jungkook’s mouth was hot against your neck, trailing down from behind your ear lower and lower, looking for the spot that made-

You gasped and arched against him in pleasure, your chest pressing harder against his.

There it was, his mind thought in primal satisfaction, as he bit down right above your pulse point, making you writhe against him further. He had been replaying the sounds you made during your last kiss in his head an embarrassing number of nights he was alone. He wanted to map your body right now and learn every spot that made you sigh and moan for him. His hands had migrated further up your ribcage, your skin flushing hot beneath his touch as his thumbs swiped just below your bra.

He was about to reach around to unclasp it when a cough from the kitchen cut his ministrations short. You both turned in shock to see Yoongi placing an expresso pod in the coffee machine.

“J-Hope is in the garage you might wanna,” he waved his hand in the air in a vague gesture to separate. “Or don’t,” he said with a shrug, “I think his reaction would be funny.”

You were scrambling off Jungkook's lap and shoving a pillow between the two of you. Your lips were swollen and bruised from the kiss. You straightened your shirt, which was more rumpled from your earlier fight than anything, and placed a pillow between the two of you as if to protect your chastity with seconds to spare before the sound of Hoseok’s footsteps echoed from the garage. You locked eyes with him as soon as he made it in the entryway. You could feel the anger radiating off of him as he entered the room.

“What happened?” He demanded.

Jungkook calmed his breathing, grabbing the pillow barrier to instead place on his lap as he reminded himself that the bakery was attacked. Hoseok had no clue that Jungkook was just kissing his best friend and that he was not in danger.

“Hobi!” you were up in an instant, ignoring his foul temper as you wrapped your arms around him.

He caught your embrace effortlessly, his eyes tracking you and then noting Jungkook and his new emotional support pillow as he squeezed you tightly before letting you step back.

“Are you okay?” you both ask in unison before cracking a smile.

“I’m fine I just had to lay low. What happened at the bakery tonight?” Hoseok pushed.

Your smile faltered for a moment. “There was an ambush, they didn’t touch me. I can’t say the same for them, but they’ll be fine.” you started.

Hoseok’s brow rose at your implication, “You took out four of the Black Tips best men?” he asked. He didn’t sound disbelieving, he sounded… impressed and maybe a little proud.

“Only two, and I wouldn’t call them the best. Why are you here if you’re in hiding?” you asked, ignoring the way his approval warmed you chest. “And why were you in hiding? And when did you dye your hair?” you pushed. Reaching up to touch the murky black locks. It was obviously box-dyed and barely covered the bright red it was days earlier.

Hoseok smiled tight-lipped before moving to the couch, “I’ll tell my story if you promise to tell yours when Jin and RM get back.” He offered.

You refrained from pointing out that the reason you were at the Den in the first place was to do exactly that. You were too eager to get some answers from Hoseok. Who quickly filled you in on the details of the fake assassination attempt that ended in a not-so-fake assassination charge. That led to Hoseok and Yoongi hiding out in some shitty safe house an hour outside the city, living off Raman noodles and re-dying their hair to more subtle colors.

By time Hoseok had finished, the other members of BTS began filing in. Hoseok told you they had only been called out of hiding so Yoongi could manage the video footage of the bakery and nearby security cameras for the police department and insurance claims. Jin wanted to edit out any evidence of a gang-related interrogation, or else their relationship was going to get a lot more complicated with the local authorities.

But apparently, there was no need. Yoongi was fuming when he returned from his office, informing the others that while the security cameras were able to stream live footage to their system, the memory had been wiped from BTS’s computers.

He still had to cover their tracks of abducting the Black Tips on any city cameras. But otherwise the gang was relying on you as the sole witness to the night's events.

Well, you and the four Black Tip members who attacked you. The men were currently stored away in a safe house under the greenhouse on the Den’s property. But with the excessive exposure to Jimin’s smoke, there was a chance their memories would be unreliable, if not nonexistent.

Jimin couldn’t even estimate a wake time for the men due to the level of gas they inhaled. It could be days before anyone could get answers out of them.

When Jin and Jimin finally returned from filing their reports to the authorities, everyone settled in the living room to hear your account. You recalled the night's events as detailed as possible, telling them how the man in the suit tried to buy your loyalty from BTS and describing him to the best of your ability.

To your relief, they all listened quietly while you spoke, and when you were done, it was V who helped you fill in any gaps you may have missed by prompting you with questions. His presence was steady and soothing, and you realized he was giving you a glimpse of the spider at work. The others didn’t dare interrupt him or ask their own questions, they trusted him to gather every drop of information.

What did the man in the suite look like?

Did he ask about BTS’s current movements?

What ‘sins against the city’ did he want to hold BTS responsible for?

What information did he want you to report back?

You didn’t have any answers to half of those questions, confessing you spent most of your time stalling and trying to get the man to reveal why he was bribing you of all people. You were convinced at the time that the alarm had alerted BTS of your situation and that they would arrive at any minute. The thought of the man getting away didn’t seem like a possibility.

And a small part of you, despite promising yourself you owed BTS nothing outside of your contract, couldn’t help but feel like this oversight was a failure on your part. Somehow, you let the gang down.

Jin clarified that the alarm had been disabled along with the cameras hours prior to the break-in. It was by luck and V’s intel that they managed to get to you when you did.

“And isn't that a big fucking problem?” Hoseok growled, unable to stay quiet any longer.

He stepped forward, glaring in Jin and Jimin’s direction, “Do you realize how irresponsible it was to schedule her on a closing shift alone.” He accused.

“Hobi, it’s fine I worked late all the time at my last job,” you started trying to diffuse the situation.

Everyone in the room refrained from pointing out how well that had gone for you.

“No, it’s not fine. This isn’t like your other job. What if they tried to get information from her at that moment, and she had nothing to give? What if V didn’t call in time? There are a thousand different ways this could have gone wrong. She is not a member of this gang,” Hoseok snapped.

You flinched slightly at his tone.

“She doesn’t have the tattoo. Debt and favors aside, she should not be this deep in BTS’s affairs. She should not be alone in our businesses. That bakery is a cover for Jimin’s lab and loitering drug money. Why the hell would you think it okay to leave her alone there?” He continued.

Jin’s face was like a stone as Hoseok lectured him, not wanting his own emotions to invalidate his brothers. “You're right.” Jin agreed, and you could see the full weight of tonight's events take a toll on him as his shoulders sagged and he turned to you with guilt in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry I put you in danger, Ella. We will never let it happen again.” Jin promised his voice was soft but earnest.

“It sure as hell won’t because she’s not working for you anymore.” Hoseok snapped.

“That's not your call to make,” you argued.

Hoseok turned to you, frustration evident on his face, “Do not fight me on this. You know tonight was too dangerous.”

“She was the dangerous part of tonight. She was fine.” Jungkook pushed, standing next to you.

“Stay out of this!” You and Hoseok snapped in unison.

Jungkook’s face puckered like he tasted something sour, but he sat back on the couch's arm.

“Tonight, you were lucky that man wanted you alive. He could change his mind at any point why can’t you see the danger in that.”

“I'm bound by contract to keep working off my debt,” you argued as you turned to RM for backup.

RM crossed his arms, taking in you and Hoseok as he contemplated his response.

“Blood debt runs deeper than civil law,” Hoseok said before his leader could voice his opinion. And a tense stillness fell across the room.

“Have you forgotten she’s on the No Harm List? That we are supposed to be willing to die for her.” he pushed. The whole gang's demeanor changed at the reminder Jimin downcast his gaze as his shame sank into his gut.

“I don’t want that,” you pushed, horrified, “Take me off the list I don’t - I did not ever want that.”

“Daewon, please, why won’t you let me protect you!”

The room fell quiet as his sister's name echoed through the room.

Your chest ached as understanding settled in, “Oh, Hobie,” you sighed.

“We’ll take a vote,” RM ordered, unable to stand another minute of this fighting. “We have damage control to take care of, and everyone is tired. We meet first thing, and we will decide as a team what we should do about Ella.”

Hoseok’s smile was mirthless at his boss’s half-ass attempt to placate him. “See you bright in early,” he said with a salute before turning for the garage.

You stared after your best friend, hesitant to follow him. “And do I get a say in that decision?” you asked RM softly.

RM sighed, “Your opinion will be considered when we vote. You will have full control over how we go about re-negotiating your contract if it comes to it.”

Assuming that was the best you could get, you sighed, eyes flicking over to Yoongi who flanked RM’s left, his arms crossed and his expression stoic.

“I guess I’ll go catch up with Hobi,” you offered hesitantly, not knowing what to do. Yoongi met your eyes but said nothing. Taking Yoongi’s silence as his answer, you squeezed Jungkook’s hand in a silent farewell before you followed Hoseok to the garage.

Hoseok kept his eyes forward as you approached his vehicle. He was sitting in his Porsche the engine purred a soft accompaniment to the rhythmic thump of his music.

“Can I catch a ride?” you asked, already settling into the passenger's seat and buckling before he could give an empty “Sure.” in response.

You didn’t ask where he was taking you as he sped out of the Den’s parking lot and into the streets of the seventh ward. His options were limited if he was still a wanted man, and you figured you would end up at your apartment by the end of the night.

“We need to pick up another box of hair dye. Whoever did yours did a shitty job,” you said, reaching to run your fingers through his hair.

The unique thing about your friendship with Hoseok was you two were forced to mourn together when you were getting close. Meaning you both had a talent for ignoring the elephant in the room and settling into a normal life where you talked around the big issue.

It wasn’t always healthy to ignore your problems like that. But for you and Hoseok, it worked. After big changes like this, you both had a habit of turning off your feelings for a while and giving each other space and time to process instead of forcing each other to talk about an issue before you were ready.

It’s what you did with Daewon’s death. It’s what he did for you when you first found out about BTS.

So tonight, you could make space for him. The two of you could go through the rest of the night without talking about the bakery or BTS at all if he didn’t want to.

You glanced out the window, realizing what street he was turning on.

“We’re going to see Dae?” you asked, surprised as he pulled to the side of the road outside the city’s botanical garden. The gardens were closed, which was no surprise considering it was close to one in the morning. But that was never a problem in the past.

“We didn’t visit her on her anniversary this year,” Hoseok said simply.

You both visited separately, though you wouldn’t point it out. At the time of Dae’s anniversary, you were still giving him the silent treatment for lying to you about BTS. You had visited Daewon’s grave on your own and saw that it had already been cleaned, and her favorite flowers decorated the small plot, meaning Hoseok had already beat you there.

At the time, you had felt guilty for the relief you felt in your chest. Visiting her that day came with the fear that you and Hoseok would cross paths before you were ready to face him. And you think Dae would have been disappointed to see the two of you arguing on top of her grave.

Because of that, neither of you had gone through with your tradition of robbing the botanical gardens.

Your freshmen year of college was filled with many adventures since moving to Alcor was still a novel experience, but it also came with many nights of being homesick. While Gautier was technically a territory of Kros, the country Alcor resides in, the cultures were very different. And the climate was shockingly different in the cold and wet port city where the smell of sea salt was on the breeze, you missed the clean and fresh scent of blooming heathers and rosemary in the spring, and the taste of sweet figs right off the tree in the summer time.

One night, when you were suffering from a rather nasty bout of homesickness, Daewon took you to the botanical gardens and taught you how to break in at night. At the back of the property, a mighty magnolia tree bloomed outside the garden's fence. It was almost too easy to scale the tree’s sturdy branches and dismount on the other side of the garden. The fences were lined with countless bamboo trellises fortified with different vine plants, making for an easy escape anywhere inside the garden.

You remember how your heart fluttered the first night the two of you broke in. You had to make an effort to hold in your nervous giggle as you scaled the magnolia tree and landed on the mossy lawn of the prehistoric trail, which was lined with ZZ plants and ferns with curling fronds. Sneaking your way through the trail and across the lawn of irsis leads you past the desert exhibit and to a greenhouse that honored the terrain of the eastern colony you called home.

The air was warm but much dryer thanks to the special ventilation system, but despite the heavy humidity missing from the air, the small shrub like plants thrived in the rocky soil, filling the air with the fragrant and aromatic scent of rosemary, lavender, and heathers.

You remember how a knot built in the back of your throat as you ran your fingers over the woody rosemary bush, taking in the earthy pine-like scent. Dae sat with you and listened to you go on about your childhood home for hours.

The giant rosemary bushes that were planted around your house were a staple in your kitchen and bathroom growing up. Your mother was always placing sprigs in her hair products, using it as her own perfume.

You told her the story of how your dad always tried to recreate your mother's french toast recipe on your birthday, but he always forgot to sweeten it so it just tasted like egg bread.

You told her stories of how your father courted your stepmom and how you watched them fall in love again, and build a new family together. One you didn’t fit into as snuggly, not for lack of love in your home, but because you were so much older than your siblings and you had your own dreams and life you were ready to find in Alcor.

Dae held you when you cried, then jokingly played the national anthem to Gautier on her cell phone. You guys laughed and danced around the greenhouse as she struggled to keep up with the lyrics.

The memory brought warmth to your chest years later, just like all the other memories with Daewon. But beneath the warmth, a sharp ache still lingered. Daewon wasn’t perfect by any means; she had a temper like her brother, and she could brood like no other.

But she was good. Daewon was good and fun and she loved so fiercely and encouraged and celebrated her friends. She was the type of person to buy you an ice cream after you failed a test and a cake if you passed.

She was the first person to encourage and support you in your adult life, even in scandalous situations like bringing you a spare set of clothes to the frat house so your walk of shame was a bit less shameful the next morning.

“God I miss her,” you sighed as you approached the magnolia.

“Me too. Every day.” Hoseok agreed quietly as he watched you scale the branches.

He was a worry wort and always made you go first in case you slipped.

“Did Daeown ever know? About BTS?” you asked curiously as both climbed higher in the magnolia tree.

“She knew some of it, like selling the spare car parts, and she could obviously guess some more once I got the tattoo, but she didn’t know everything.” He offered as you reached the branch just past the tall fence that protected the gardens.

‘She didn’t know I shot people,’ she could almost hear Hoseok say.

You ducked low as you approached the branch that led into the garden. Grabbing onto the limb above you to balance yourself, you carefully made your way forward as the branch dipped under your weight.

“Careful,” Hoseok warned.

“Whatever,” you said, rolling your eyes as you let go of the limb stabling you, tightening your core as you jumped from the tree. It was less than a 5-foot drop, but you kept your knees bent as you landed, feeling the impact reverberate back into your legs. You hissed as the pins and needles feeling swarmed the balls of your feet.

“You gotta tuck and roll,” Hosek laughed as you wattled out of his way.

You watched as he lowered himself on the branch the muscles in his body tensed before he sprung forward, extending his legs with his knees still slightly bent.

You sometimes forget the athleticism Hoseok hones in his body. You take for granted how smooth and precise his movements are. It was something you still couldn't quite replicate when you trained with Jungkook. But as you admired your friend, you wondered if he was responsible for training Jungkook to master his own smooth agility.

As his feet touched the ground, he pushed his momentum forward, curling into a ball and rolling across the grass.

“Ow fuck!” he exclaimed as he backrolled over a raised root of a nearby tree.

“And that's why I don’t tuck and roll,” you teased, walking towards him, the ach in your legs nearly forgotten.

You wandered out of the exhibit and towards the iris lawn. Dae’s favorite flowers were blue irises. She used to always pick a few of the flowers any time they visited the garden and keep a vase of them in the dorm room.

“You know they’re bulbed plants one day, we can go to the store and get our own,” Hoseok suggested.

“It’s not the same she says they smell better when they’re picked from the garden here,” you insisted.

“It’s not like she’ll be smelling these,” Hoseok grumbled under his breath but obliged when you held out your hand for his pocket knife.

The theft was quick and efficient. You cut loose five of the flower's long stems and returned back to the fence. Taking care that the flowers were unharmed as you shimmied up one of the trellises.

You were both back in the car within 15 minutes and driving down the road to her grave. The visit was a quiet one. Not tearful like in years past, and for a moment as the two of you kneeled and placed the flowers against the tombstone, you didn’t know if either of you were going to speak at all.

“Do you think you’ll ever leave the city,” Hoseok asked quietly.

You looked at him, startled, “You know my dream is to be a travel doctor,” you replied.

“Is that still your dream?” He asked.

You were quiet for a moment, your eyes searching his face for any indication of where he was going with this.

“Y/N, you were determined once. Focused. You lived and sacrificed for that dream and would never jeopardize it. And lately, you’ve-” You closed your eyes as you caught on to his intentions.

“Continued to sacrifice for it,” you interrupted him, “everything I’ve done, the debt I have isn’t so I can play gangster. It’s so I can finish school. The moment I graduate and the moment I pay off my debt, I’m leaving the city.” You assured.

“You could leave now,” he urged.

“Take a residency somewhere I know your grades are good enough for that accelerated program.”

“I can’t run out on my debt. They will find me.” You hissed.

“They won’t. Jungkook will pull RM off your trail, and they can’t send me after you. I would go with you. You’re the only family I have.” Hoseok pushed his voice urgent, “Things are getting bad. There’s a turf war brewing, and the Black Tips aren’t working alone. I don’t think that man who came after you tonight is from the west side. If power players from the East are involved, this whole city will go to shit. This isn’t a petty fight; people will die. The inner circle and whoever is affiliated with them will have a target on their back.”

“What about Yoongi?” You asked.

Your question was double-sided. You knew about Hoseok’s feelings for him and his unwillingness to move on from him over the years. Hoseok was always privet with the gang side of his life, but even before you knew of BTS, you knew of Yoongi and the web of feelings he carried with him. And you also knew of the second's ability to track down and find anyone. If RM wanted either of you dead, Yoongi would find you in a heartbeat and probably had the skill set to dispose of you himself, too.

Hoseok's eyes downcast “He would let us go.”

“You’re expecting a lot of loyalty from someone you plan to betray.” You pushed.

“You’re putting up a hard fight for someone who claims they don’t have a real reason to stay,” he pressed back.

You looked away from your best friend. The man who treated you like his own sister from the beginning. Who was ready to give everything up and run to make sure you were safe.

Why weren’t you willing to give up your fraction of this world in return?

“Perhaps things are more complicated than I give myself credit for. I kissed Jungkook, and I can’t just leave until I figure that out.” You admitted embarrassed. You braced yourself for the teasing or the anger. But Hoseok's face was calm as he responded his eyes ernst and urgent.

“I fucked Yoongi,” Hoseok countered. “If I don’t leave now. I never will.”

A/N: I haven’t updated in so long I totally forgot how tags and formatting work on this post. Hopefully it finds the intended audience… let me know if you read and enjoyed it!!! Xoxox

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hitlikehammers · 4 months

Text

but seas between us braid 🌊🎇

a steddie new years fic for @thefreakandthehair

featuring: oblivious boys being oblivious while they cuddle, wholly unnecessary pining, kisses at the stoke of twelve, big feelings being not so overwhelming in their immensity when they’re shared perfectly

“I mean, some kisses are less good but,” and his tone softens, and Eddie wants to fucking taste it, wants to consume the sound but then also drown in it, it’s very contradictory and overwhelming and Eddie thinks he blew past the smaller feelings here a long time ago, thinks he’s more than mired in the big leagues, now, the stuff that can full-on break your heart maybe past recovering, fucking hell: “I think most new year’s kisses are ones you give and get with some kind of love in them,” and Steve sounds so…bright with it, like the space between them is already warm but Steve’s just created a little bubble where love is real and joy is a thing your lips can convey through touch alone and it’s wild, and it’s heavy in Eddie’s heartbeat and he…it’s not just hard, to pretend against his own wants, now. In the moment, in fact: it’s fucking impossible. He can’t even consider pretending he doesn’t want Steve. All of him. Everything. For always. He’d been doing so well, too, given the givens. At pretending. He’s fucking lucky Steve can’t see his face; fucking blessed there’s no pulse point Steve can brush by on the top of his head, giving him away. “And any kind of love is a good thing to step into the new year with, yeah?” Yes. Yes, and he clings to that so fucking hard he might crack it down the middle but that’d be okay—it’d be okay because if it cracks Eddie will hold it together ‘til it shatters, soaking in the warmth of so much feeling through the crevices until he cradles the pieces when they burst entirely for the pressure of his grip but that’s okay too, that’s almost perfect because broken wide like that, Eddie can bask in the full shine of what it feels like, even as a bystander, to know that kind of automatic, bred-in-bone kind of love. There is love in Steve, for Eddie. That’s undeniable; he’d have to be genuinely willing into his ignorance to miss it, or be able to justify in any way as having some reason or logic to dismiss it. It may not be the love Eddie wants most but it’s a love he wants deep and that he sinks inside the gratitude for whenever he lets himself think too long. Sometimes even when he doesn’t; sometimes it’s just what happens without thinking, or trying. Without having to. Most love is a good thing to start anything new with safe and sure in hand. More than. “I guess,” is what Eddie ultimately says, voice smaller than he’d like but steadier than he’d expected so: he will take that happily, or close-to; “maybe I’ll try it sometime and see.” For all that Eddie’s been trying so hard to control the way his body reacts to Steve’s touch, Steve’s words, Steve’s living-breathing being: Steve doesn’t appear to have the same limitations. Because he stiffens, and he’s silent, and Eddie forces himself to make it seem casual when he rolls his head to see if he can catch a hint from Steve’s pulse through his belly—nah, just endearingly,

beautifully, mundane-wondrous-human rumbly sounds from probably too much beer and not enough pizza, they’d miscalculated that balance by a decent amount. The quiet stretches long enough for Eddie to mostly stifle a sigh, mostly-successfully too, and finally muster the courage to sacrifice Steve’s fingers in his hair for twisting around and meeting his gaze where he’s felt it boring into him since the speaking stopped. Something very close to scandalized in the look. “You’ve never?” Steve asks like the idea is impossible, anathema, rather that pretty fucking predictable for a queer kind in Podunk, God’s Country. “Nope?” Eddie pops the ‘P’ with real feeling, hoping that’ll end the discussion. He’s not exactly put out by never getting a new year’s smooch, but like, it’s not his favorite topic for dwelling on either, doesn’t exactly make him feel awesome or anything, so. Eh. But that’s not how Steve means it, Eddie knows that. Can possibly hear the tone of the words and read the posture of him, the energy radiating off of him something that’s soft like pity with none of its razor edge; heavy and weighted like pure disbelief without irony or overstatement, at least not in the mind of the speaker which: absurdity of the highest order, save that Eddie trusts Steve with his life, and more, now, with his heart and his soul however they come back for the gifting, just for the happy surrender of them: if they come back at all. No damage would ever be done with intent, and all the moments where parts of Eddie might spend that intimate with Steve, in his chest or his veins, well: that’s all more than worth it. It’s not quite comfort that colors how he leans a little into Steve’s touch where he hadn’t let himself before, not fully at least, not intentional like this, to the point past denying: it’s not quite comfort, more like…the only sign Eddie’s willing to risk giving right now, warm and safe and cared for, however that care lands and calls itself: it’s a sign he’s willing to risk, because if it's unwanted it will cost him nothing but the lance through his chest for the rejection, unspoken maybe but no less of a blow. That part’s nothing he’s never brushed up against before, if not so deep, if not inviting an almost certain mortal blow. And the result in the end: Steve, however he can get for as long as he can hold on? There’s no question that’s probably an unfair trade somewhere, and not even in Eddie’s favor. They sit for a while, the minutes counting down and even with the volume low, the buzz of it’s growing almost unpleasant through the tinny speakers. Steve’s hand is still, where it sits on the back of Eddie’s head and Eddie doesn’t know if that’s a good or bad thing, heart wringing a little for the uncertainty and he does his damnedest to corral it, to bring it back to the point wherein Steve is still touching him, close-on to cradling him only kind of in midair between them; Steve is still there, with him, and that’s has to count for something. Fuck, no: that does count. For everything. Eddie picks up counting happening in the audio, and Jesus, they’re starting way too high, like, doesn’t that fucking kill the anticipation? Wait for ten, goddamn. Maybe twenty, then number down. But no. These people are fucking vibrating on the a T.V. And Eddie can forgive a fraction of it for the simple generation of necessary body heat but…this. Eddie knows excitement, okay? Knows being super-stoked for a genuinely amazing thing. This here is just what you’d call fucking excessive. The ball is garishly bright in the broadcast and…what the fuck? “Is that an apple?” Eddie squawks because, again, what the fuck; “why the fuck is it an apple—" In his confusion and general indignation—he was very much under the impression the big dropping ball was all sparkly and not fruit-based, and he didn’t even have to be a frequent viewer to be very sure of those facts—but in his distraction, he…apparently managed to also miss how the overlong countdown had finally started to hit its intended endpoint.

more here 🌊🎇

#steddie #steddie fic #steve harrington/eddie munson #steve harrington #eddie munson #steve/eddie #stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #steddie fanfic #new years kisses #happy new year #fluffy fluffiness abounds #steddie fanfiction

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rhube · 1 month

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Existentialism and anti-fascism

I don't have the spoons to make this the essay it should be, but a passing quote from Sartre on Mastodon brought something into focus for me that should have been blindingly obvious. The quote is this:

Never believe that anti-Semites are completely unaware of the absurdity of their replies. They know that their remarks are frivolous, open to challenge. But they are amusing themselves, for it is their adversary who is obliged to use words responsibly, since he believes in words. The anti-Semites have the right to play. They even like to play with discourse for, by giving ridiculous reasons, they discredit the seriousness of their interlocutors. They delight in acting in bad faith, since they seek not to persuade by sound argument but to intimidate and disconcert. If you press them too closely, they will abruptly fall silent, loftily indicating by some phrase that the time for argument is past. - Jean Paul Sartre (1945), Anti-Semite and Jew, pp. 13-14

(It should be acknowledged that he's specifically addressing anti-Semitism, but apart from the fact that fascism and anti-Semitism tend to go hand in hand, I don't think it's controversial to say that they operate using the same playbook.)

What jumped out at me is the bit about acting in bad faith.

You see, the importance of acting in good faith is a central aspect of existentialist ethics. In brief, the thought is that, for conscious beings (humans) existence precedes essence - we are fundamentally free and self-determining; each person decides their own purposes (their 'essence'). When you blame your actions on external forces (genetics, societal pressures, God etc) you are acting in bad faith and seeking to evade responsibility by denying that, whatever circumstances you found yourself in, you still had some form of choice for which you are responsible.

When you act in good faith you not only acknowledge the responsibility for your choice and its consequences, but also recommend that action to others. By acting, you attach value to the kind of action you performed (it is worthy of being done), and it is in this that moral value is created.

In this way, integrity is central to existentialist ethics.

As we have all seen in recent years, fascists have absolutely no integrity. They cannot be shamed. Few have denied that characters like Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, and Silvio Berlusconi are ridiculous figures. Frequently those inside and outside the countries in which they reside look on in horror and ask themselves 'How is this possible? Why do people keep voting for them? Can't you see these men are a joke? A dangerous joke?'

Yeah, but they don't care. They live in bad faith. They have no integrity, because they know integrity is draining, and taking responsibility for what they do and say is something they have no intention of ever doing. They don't deign to give reasons because they want to convince you that the reasons (or at least ones that make sense) don't matter. They will dizzy you by jumping from argument to contradictory argument without hesitation, because any person who lives in good faith feels bound to unpick the mess they leave behind to justify their own decisions.

But it's a trick. You should be prepared to justify yourself to interlocutors acting in good faith, in as much as you should take responsibility for your actions, but the person acting in bad faith has no argument. Their actions are not at all bound by anything they say. You are arguing without an interlocutor, and the fascist has succeeded in wasting time and energy you could have put to meaningful resistance.

I've always been partial to existentialist philosophy: there is no fate but what we make for ourselves, no meaning to life but what we put into it. I don't think it's the whole picture. Long-time readers will know I favour a refined form of rule utilitarianism, but a part of that is that I believe you cannot have a happy society without integrity.

Just as with Davidson's Principle of Charity - we cannot even begin to have meaningful communication unless we assume that those with whom we communicate are speaking the truth and are largely correct in their beliefs.

Fascists trample all over that. They do not care about the truth and they have no problem lying to you. They require no correspondence between their words and either the world or their actions.

And yet it's still true that they rely on a background of truth and sincerity in order to be understood. They need to at least appear to be speaking the same language as we do. They may more frequently stumble into obvious gaffs where communication collapses - Johnson's vague blustering noises, Trump's 'covfefe' - but they have to string enough words together to at least *sound* like what they are saying means something.

Anyway, the point is: I always admired this philosophy, and I knew that it came out of the post-war sense of abandonment - that there is no force for good that prevents death and torture on a massive scale, only human endeavour. What humans choose to say and do.

As someone who has often been troubled by the quietism of despair, I immediately found this deeply comforting and empowering, even in as a teenager in the boom years of the turn of the millennium.

What I hadn't put together was that talk of good faith and bad faith is not only a deep philosophical truth about ethics, it is a straightforward practical critique of fascist rhetoric.

This way of arguing to score points - usually in support of right-wing positions - was something I found intensely frustrating as a young adult. I can remember specific individuals who behaved that way and the destruction the wreaked in my life. As a philosopher - someone who is good at arguing - it felt sort of shameful to me that I wasn't quick-witted enough to marshal my thoughts in the moment and unpick why what they were saying was nonsense.

But I can now see that that wasn't my fault. What I eventually did - which was to remove myself entirely from their presence - was the only rational call. It's just soul-destroying that for me that meant leaving behind the vast majority of my friends, who couldn't see what the problem was with that person, and were thus left to be poisoned against me by what they said.

I'm digressing into an old pain. The point is that at that time, people behaving like this were isolated individuals. Now they are dominating our politics, traditional media, and social media. Because fascism is rising again.

Of course Sartre was talking about how people who act in bad faith are dickheads that poison our communities - he lived through the rise of fascism!

He was making the incredibly important point that it's not just that a failure to take responsibility for one's actions brings negative value into the world, but that the Worst Wankers You Know literally argue in bad faith as a way to tie careful thinkers in knots and whip up the emotions of less careful thinkers.

A middle-class white 16-year old, living in boom years, just couldn't connect the dots - even though I was still at the intersection of multiple oppressions. I had been raised to fully believe that good debate was possible and should be the goal. I was doing a Media Studies A-Level, so I knew dishonesty happened in news and media, but... how to explain?

Elder Millennials were sold a dream of reality and progress that genuinely seemed to be going on in our teenage years and early 20s. There were still problems to solve, obviously, but many of us - especially where we had some kind of privilege - believed that racism was declining; the gender pay-gap was closing; homophobia was decreasing; and anyone could achieve anything they put their mind to, no matter their disadvantages, if they just tried hard enough. Nevermind that in my country if you were LGBTQ+, but not L or G, you probably didn't realise it, because you weren't allowed to learn about people like you in schools.

It's why so many of us are burnt out. Because it wasn't true. And we tried to be all we could be anyway.

But when you're 16, you're not burnt out yet. You believe that 'Never Again' means it can't possibly happen again. You learned about the Holocaust in school and are horrified, but it's at a complete disconnect from your reality. You have never knowingly heard anyone say anything anti-Semitic (of course, you probably heard things said in code that you didn't understand). It's a feature of The Past. You don't understand how it could have come to be, because no one actually taught you how it came to be.

I read Existentialism is a Humanism, but I didn't read Anti-Semite and Jew. And when they taught Existentialism is a Humanism we discussed Sartre's example of the student who's unsure if he should join the resistance, but no one explained that 'bad faith' wasn't just a technical term that has a specific meaning for Sartre's ethical analysis, it's also literally about how some people make bad-faith arguments as part of fascist and anti-Semitic rhetoric.

So I never thought, 'Oh, this person is arguing in bad faith on purpose to waist my energy,' - like, I sort of knew they were doing it to wind me up and because they were an arsehole, but I didn't get that it was a political strategy for stifling progress.

And all this distillation of political statements into 'sound bites' is fundamentally to the fascist's advantage. Because they explicitly don't care about reasons, and normal humans DO. So when all you heard are sound bites you can fill in reasons not given, and it doesn't matter what you imagine for the fascist, but if a progressive doesn't get to explain their point fully, it's very easy to make them into a strawperson they will spend the next few news cycles failing to unpick.

ARGH.

I'm not sure I'm any nearer to knowing how we defeat fascism. To an extent, it's comforting to know that we came out of it and had these discussions before. But it's endlessly frustrating to know how much was LOST from the public consciousness - even from people who DO know something about what was said - despite the best efforts of philosophers and writers and film directors and everyone who kept trying to communicate it to us.

#existentialism #fascism #anti-semitism #genocide #holocaust #sartre #bad faith #good faith #philosophy #ethics #rhetoric

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theladyragnell · 11 months

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Hi! Question for you once you've had a chance to finish S3 of Ted Lasso: I'd love to hear your perspective on how S3 could have unfolded in a more fulfilling way. No pressure, of course, but I enjoy reading your insights. :)

Okay! I am rolling up my sleeves.

EXPRESSING-OPINIONS-ON-THE-INTERNET CAVEAT: I am not a media critic, and not everything in this post will be cohesive, well-thought-out, and non-contradictory. I do not for a moment pretend that my opinions are Correct, they are merely my own.

SECOND CAVEAT: At this point, with where they left arcs, I'm about 80% sure that depending on how the WGA strike goes (crossing my fingers for them) and any corporate retaliation for that, there will be a spinoff or continuation sans Ted. More of their choices make sense if that is true, even if I don't love the thought (let shows end!!!), so this is all changes I would make assuming s3 is the final season.

The thing about this season, for me, is that any given episode or moment was largely really enjoyable for me! Sure, a few quibbles, and the whole Roy and Keeley thing we will get to in a moment, but if I ignored the fact that I was watching a season, most things worked for me. Looking at it as a season, though, it was too busy, in a way that meant the show dropped a lot of things I wanted to see more of.

So, when pondering this question, I think that there's no way to keep everything I love while getting rid of only the things that annoyed me or that didn't feel right to me. And in the end, I'd rather miss things that weren't there than be annoyed with things that are present, so my take on s3 would streamline a lot of things to engage with others.

Oh boy, this is already long, time for a cut.

Change #1: Roy and Keeley do not break up. There was simply no reason for this, and especially no reason for it to happen off-screen. They can still fight and have difficulties, and Roy can deal with his mental health, but it's just unnecessary drama and I never understood it. This also prevents Roy and Jamie's weird last-episode regression to fighting over her and forcing her into shitty positions.

Change #2: Most of Keeley's plotlines change. All of the KJPR plots and characters were interesting, but they also busied the season up too much. So I'd have her actually building up a one-woman business without Jack (or, tragically, Barbara), maybe doing the Shandy thing and grappling with that for longer, or her dealing with the Establishment the way Rebecca does so often, trying to make them see her as a businesswoman and not a footballer's girlfriend.

Change #3: Beard and Jane break up. We get to carry over the threads from s2 from the Beard episode and from Higgins expressing his concern, instead of treating the way Jane treats him as comedy. We also get to counteract this show's everyone-deserves-not-just-forgiveness-for-everything-but-also-to-be-in-your-life-again message with one instance of someone setting out a boundary and sticking to it.

Change #4: Many of Nate's plots change. As with Barbara, I would really regret losing Jade, but I think there are better uses of Nate's screentime--he was set up to be a real main character in s2 and I felt like I hardly saw him in s3. What I really wanted was for Nate to learn how to have power over people responsibly, I think? I'd have chosen either for him to grit his teeth and stay at West Ham (perhaps while joining the conspiracy to overthrow Rupert) or, when he left, for him to somehow end up coaching a kids' team, and learn gentleness in authority that way. It would pick up this show's really genuinely cool theme of "once one person makes a point of stepping out of the cycle of abuse and trauma it can ripple out around them" in interesting ways.

And while there are many other tweaks I'd make (more Sam, his last focus plot was SO goddamn miserable; eliminate everything about the psychic; goodbye to Rebecca's boat stranger), I'm going to finish with the last big one, which is

Change #5: Ted gets to do something besides reinvent total football, pine for his son, and make speeches that should have been edited down to a third of their length tops. He just seems so checked out this whole season, just talking about how none of the work he's done is on him, all focused on Henry in the wrong ways, so that going back to Kansas felt more like a horrible sacrifice than a choice that will bring him fulfillment or contentment. He was always going to go back to Kansas and his son, much as I wasn't wild about that, but it doesn't feel like a new beginning for him, just like he's going back to his old life with a little more knowledge of football and more knowledge of how to model good parenting and relationships for his kid (while not, from the way I interpreted that last expression, dealing any further with his own mental health). It felt weirdly dark for this show.

(Also I know this show loves its book theming, and I know it's The Wizard of Oz (see: a song from The Wiz playing over the credits to the penultimate episode), but have they considered that in subsequent Oz books Dorothy and her family move back to Oz? Things to consider.)

#anyway this is purely about changes #not about complaining about some other things that bothered me this season #so hopefully it is not too negative for anyone who's feeling good about where things ended!#poetryincamelot #answered asks #ted lasso spoilers #i super do not want to get into Discourse please let's not #mostly people do not do that over here #but recent and divisive show finales can be touchy subjects

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kyouka-supremacy · 2 years

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I think one of the most fascinating aspects of Akutagawa's character is how he's distinctly constantly seeking answers. His very origin story centers around him looking for an answer to the questions: “Why do we live? / Why do I have to be alive?” “Can you give me a reason to live?”

Then again, when he's fighting against Atsushi in chapter 12: “Why? // Why did it have to be you?” “Why does it have to be you?”. It's like he's looking for the reason his life has come to what it is now.

And then, in the fight against Fitzgerald: “Where does that contradictory self-esteem come from?”. This one is interesting, as Akutagawa's questions start revolving around other people's actions rather than solely center over his own life. This time it's like he's really intentioned to understand what drives Atsushi (perhaps, to be able to judge whether Atsushi's reasoning is noble or not, decide if he's a worthy opponent; after finding the answer he will say “An utter disappointment. [...] I could kill you a hundred times, and it would never grant me honor or any military gain.”).

And next, one of the most interesting scenes of Akutagawa asking questions, from an exchange with Atsushi during the cannibalism arc mine break in.

I really like Akutagawa's pressuring, unavoidable questioning here. It looks like he's starting to be really, deeply interested in understanding Atsushi's thinking, which comes off as surprising (why would he be interested in understanding Atsushi's motivations when he hates him?), yet it's definitely there. I find it extremely fascinating as it shows a side of Akutagawa that is open minded and eager to understand others, which strongly clashes with the image of “cutting to threads anyone on his path with no second thought” the reader got used to.

Akutagawa, like he was following his own stream of thoughts, asks: “Why me?”; and then: “Why did you join this operation? [...] Why is a coward like you risking danger for the sake of another person's life?” “Why?” “Why?”

They're pressing questions- you can sense an increasing intensity in his interrogatory. Akutagawa is greedy to know the answer, and won't leave Atsushi any space to avoid him. He wants to understand Atsushi's behavior. He wants to know what drives Atsushi, so that maybe he can be closer to grasp what drives himself, what's the meaning of his life.

It's so evidently important for Akutagawa to know the answer to those questions that, not satisfied, he will bring it up again with Atsushi later, and in a life or death situation nonetheless; it's essential that he understands Atsushi, otherwise their collaboration will never work. “Answer my previous question. Why do you fight?” “There is a way out... [...] But before that, answer me, or I kill you. Why do you fight?”. Notice the imperative mood of “answer my previous question”, the strong command given by “or I kill you”, the urgency conveyed by repeating the same question twice; Akutagawa really wants to know the answer, he needs to understand what moves Atsushi. Because he will soon entrust Atsushi with Rashomon, so he needs to know if Atsushi is worthy; but I believe that, compared to the Moby Dick fight, this time there's more to that. Akutagawa's wish to understand Atsushi's actions isn't limited to judging him; he wants to understand him for the sake of it, because he's starting to be really interested in Atsushi, because he's starting to consider whether his motives aren't as shallow as he initially deemed them to be. Starting to question if Atsushi might actually be not that different from himself. All these questions he relentlessly asks feel like a desperate attempt to put all the pieces together in order to answer to his originary question, or goal, or wish: to give a meaning to his life.

Next, “Why choose me?” “Such a heavy responsibility, why place it on me?” Typical Akutagawa, this time questioning his self worth. Adding to that what he later tells Atsushi “Is everything a trial? What came beyond that night, that forest, was it part of a 'meaningful life'?”, it looks like Akutagawa has spent a long time asking himself if there was a bigger meaning to the way Dazai treated him, to the way Dazai effected his life and, for extension, if all of that was there to give a meaning to his life.

And then, finally, a question being asked to him rather than him voicing it himself but that Akutagawa without doubts asked himself: “Is his life that precious to you?”. Nnnnggghhhhh so this is how everything comes to a conclusion. It's something Akutagawa must have deeply thought through (or, maybe, the answer was already so obvious he didn't have to think of it at all). I really like this segment as it perfectly shows how much Akutagawa has changed and matured since the start of the story. Quite simply, yes, his life does mean that much to him. And that's because in the last months he started to give a new value to life itself. From merciless, ruthless killer he was, he started to cherish other people's lives. And to give other people's lives a meaning is probably the last push he needed towards finding a meaning to his own life, which is the question he's been carrying since the beginning.

#I LOVE finding answers while writing analysis I'll be writing aimlessly and then be like. Wait I get it now!!!!!!#It's nice ahah #ryūnosuke akutagawa #atsushi nakajima #sskk #Not necessarily romantically though #bsd #bungou stray dogs #bsd analysis #mine #q.#Me as I start writing this: this is purely a reflection on Akutagawa's character–#and has nothing to do with sskk actually you can totally read it taking their relationship as platonic #Me by the end of it: sskk give each other's lives a meaning send tweet #Edit: Oh actually more in reblogs #shin soukoku

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nicklloydnow · 7 months

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Gwyneth Paltrow photograph by Ellen Von Unwerth for ‘Bustle’ (October 2023)

“A Tantric ritual: during the initiation ceremony, you are given a mirror in which you see your own image. Contemplating it, you realize you are nothing but that, i.e., nothing.

To what end, so many pretenses, so many airs and graces, when it is so easy to comprehend one's insignificance?” - Emil Cioran, ‘Drawn and Quartered’ (1979) [p. 91]

“So who’s going to buy Goop and make you hundreds of millions of dollars?

I have no idea. We’re not ready to sell yet. I need a few more years.

Maybe you could make a dramatic exit on your 55th birthday.

I’d be happy with that.

Sail off into the sunset.

I will literally disappear from public life. No one will ever see me again.

You think that’s true?

Yes.

You don’t get any pleasure from having to do that side of it?

No. I don’t.

What does your professional pleasure come from?

Creating, collaborating, being struck with new ideas, innovating, thinking ahead, strategy, vision, that kind of thing.

Are you motivated by money?

Unfortunately not. I could never get attracted to the really rich guy... And I don’t make choices to build value in the wrong way. I’ve always done independent films. I don’t know. Money has never been my thing. It’s never been my driver.”

“Gwyneth really is the gift that keeps on giving.

Just when you think she can't outdo herself, here comes yet another interview in which she makes all kinds of crazy, contradictory proclamations from an alternate universe.

(…)

Anyway, back to Gwyneth. Despite having spent the bulk of her adult life as a red carpet figure who accepted InStyle's award for Style Icon in 2015 — wearing Schiaparelli couture, no less — Gwyneth hates getting dressed up and having her picture taken, just hates it.

(…)

Yes, let's all sympathize as we look at these portraits of Gwyneth looking ecstatically at herself in a mirror as she applies red lipstick. As she poses suggestively in her underwear and six-inch Louboutin heels. Who is she kidding?

(…)

Whither the Gwyneth who said, 'I am who I am. I can't pretend to be somebody who makes $25,000 a year'?

At least that Gwyneth felt honest. An elitist, insufferable snob, yes, but an honest one.

Here though, we have a Gwyneth who is actively trying to court the woman who makes $25,000 a year. The point of this interview, don't you know, is to plug her new, lower-priced Goop skincare line through — gasp! — Amazon and Target.

Now, if you think this is meant to bring Goop to the masses, don't be silly.

'I just didn't approach it like . . . 'Let's go mass,' Gwyneth says.

What other reason could there be? It's a tautology: You go mass-market to reach the mass-market.

(…)

Once engaged to Brad Pitt and the ex-wife of Chris Martin, a millionaire many, many times over thanks to Coldplay, Gwyneth says here that, 'I could never get attracted to the really rich guy.'

An actress best known to generations of moviegoers for her role opposite Robert Downey Jr. in the 'Iron Man' franchise: 'I've always done independent films. Money has never been my thing. It's never been my driver.'

Strewn throughout is one of my favorite tics in a celebrity profile: the unnecessary use of big words, especially ones meant to evoke business school: When Gwyneth was getting divorced, she says, she didn't just talk to her friends — she embarked on 'data collection.'

She and her team didn't think about doing a lower-priced line; it was something they 'ideated.' Her serums and lotions just don't work; they're 'efficacious.'

There's an unjustified shot at 'the patriarchy' for the pressure women feel, she says, to be busy all the time, as well as the term 'nepo baby.'

'Nobody rips on a kid who's like, 'I want to be a doctor like my dad and grandad,' she gripes.

Well, no, because to become a doctor one must pass exams and do residencies and, you know, prove oneself as smart enough to be trusted with human life. But let's mourn for the children of Malibu, with their modeling gigs and influencer deals, spared the rigors of the meritocracy.

(…)

And those moms out there working three jobs and struggling to afford child care — well, they can't relate, but Gwynnie is hoping you'll try her new Goop treatments priced for the poor people out there — the $24.99 eye serum or the $19.99 glycolic acid toner.”

#cioran #emil cioran #drawn and quartered #gwyneth paltrow #tantra #mirror #nothing #bustle #ellen von unwerth #goop #callahan #maureen callahan

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planeoftheeclectic · 7 months

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Oh boy, this is about to be a blast from the past. Thanks @skarabrae-stone for the tag!

Rules: Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass this onto other writers. Let’s spread the self-love 💖

So I only recently started writing again, meaning I've only got 2 works that are from the last decade, but honestly I'm still very fond of those older ones; they do an excellent job at being what they are.

Doing the no pressure tags above the cut because I don't know if that messes them up: @stonemaskedtaliesin, @zyrafowe-sny, and @firecoloredwater, plus anyone else who sees this and has written something! Hyping yourself up is good practice!

Columbo: Turnabout's Fair Play | 19k (Incomplete) | T | Columbo x Ace Attorney set between AA3 and AA4

Summary:

Technically speaking, Mr. Wright, this isn't my usual beat. But Detective Gumshoe - you know Dick, right? - I owed him a favor, see? And it had been a slow week, so I figured I'd look around, see if I could give the guy a hand. Real stand-up guy, he is, we could use more like him. And anyway, I know you're a real busy guy Mr. Wright, so I'll make this real quick, get out of your hair. I know you and he were real good friends, so I'm sure this is a difficult time for you. Oh, uh, just one more thing Mr. Wright. Why were the two of you such good friends again?

As I say in the dedication, this is the idea that helped me break a very, very long dry spell, so it has to take the top spot for that if nothing else. @stonemaskedtaliesin had introduced me to Ace Attorney, I had introduced them to Columbo, and at some point they went looking to see if there were any crossovers and were disappointed to find none. They come tell me this in discord and I, like a fool, say:

"Well, actually, it makes sense there aren't any. I mean, they're kind of contradictory worldviews. The whole point of Columbo is that he always gets the right guy, and the whole point of Ace Attorney is that the police never get the right guy."

Fortunately for all of us, I continued:

"I mean, for it to even work you'd need some kind of convoluted setup - maybe that would stop the AA police from just arresting someone immediately. And who would be the killer anyway? Well, ok, there's an option there, but who should they murder? Maya? That'd be mean, but that's the obvious choice. Hmm...nobody likes him, I could murder him, but how--oh."

And at that point I stopped talking because the end of this story materialized in my brain and I wanted to make sure it was a surprise. Spoiler culture may be overblown, but murder mysteries are an exception, I feel.

Anyways, if you're a fan of either series, enjoy gen fic, like seeing characters get what they deserve, or just want to see Columbo at an anime convention, this is the fic for you! From a writing standpoint, it's been really fun to experiment with a very limited POV, to try to mimic the feel of a television camera. And of course, Columbo's dialogue is a joy to write. (As you'll see later, dialogue is one of my strengths)

Song of the Peregrine [Podfic] | OG fic is 39k (Incomplete) | T | Chrom/F!Robin but honestly it's mostly gen | Kid Icarus Uprising x Fire Emblem Awakening

Summary:

There were reports of something in the skies of eastern Ylisse. Something with wings as black as pitch and eyes as red as rubies. Dark Pit has no clue where he's managed to land himself, but it turns out that Pit and Palutena don't have a monopoly on annoying. He can leave these humans anytime he wants, and he will. Soon. Any day now. If the Shepherds have it their way, that day won't come any time soon. (In which Dark Pit ends up joining the Shepherds, and the world tilts.)

The original fic is @stonemaskedtaliesin's, but I like to consider myself its honorary godparent. We've spent a lot of time worldbuilding for it, and it's so good you guys. It's going to be amazing. There are long term plans.

I started the podfic because I wanted to listen to it as I fell asleep. The audio quality is definitely shakier in the first couple chapters as I figure things out, but it's been really fun learning new skills and doing lots of fun silly voices.

...still need to finish editing chapter 5.

Anyway, blanket recommendation to go read this if you know anything about Kid Icarus (Fire Emblem is a bonus but not necessary, iit's pretty well-explained in-story) and if you like podfic, hey! You're in luck! Fun fact: this is the only Awakening podfic as of right now. Yes I'm also surprised. Maybe if I ever finish this one I'll set out to try and change that. goat milk and oats Grima would be so much fun to voice.

Warrior Cats Smoofs | 8.5k | G | Gen | Warrior Cats

Okay I'm kind of cheating here but that's going to be a theme for these last few answers. I wrote these over a decade ago with my best friend at the time. She had internet, I didn't, so we had a joint account on the Warrior Cats Wiki and the Warriors Fanfiction Wiki, which are both Fandom now I believe. I archived them to AO3 because of that, and because even years later they would occasionally get a new comment from someone who really enjoyed reading them. And, as I said, I'm still very fond of them. My handle on most of the internet still comes from these stories and that account. They are simple, silly, dialogue and stage directions only parodies, and they were a blast to write. I still remember the melody we came up with for the ending jingle. I'm pretty sure these guys (plus the playwriting class I took) are a big part of why I tend to be very dialogue-heavy. I like fun purple-prosy descriptions, but sometimes a few spoken words can convey a whole lot of actions. Show Don't Tell taken to the extreme, I guess.

I'm pretty sure The Library was our most popular one back in the day (to the point we made a sequel)! The Auction was the first (though doesn't hold up quite as well...lol they're all 15 years old anyway). I'm very fond of Christmas Caroling because all the lyrics are singable and that is my PET PEEVE IF YOU'RE GOING TO DO IT THE METER HAD BETTER BE RIGHT OR AT LEAST CLOSER THAN A CATHOLIC HYMN. Most of all though, I'm fond of all the memories these have. I don't know where Moss is now, but I hope they're doing well. It is also fun to see where I've come from over the years - like I said, upon reflection it makes sense that I tend to default to pretty dialogue-heavy.

The Palutena Trap | 4.7k (Incomplete) | T | Gen (past Palutena/Medusa | Kid Icarus Uprising

Summary:

Kid Icarus meets the Parent Trap.

That's it, that's all I've got.

Ok now this one is cheating because it's not published anywhere yet except in snippets on tumblr. This was actually conceived at almost the same time as Turnabout's Fair Play, but I'm trying to only focus at one at a time, so this one won't properly see the light of day until TFP is finished. (We're getting there! We're almost at the end of Act 2 out of 3!!) That does mean that I'm going about writing it in a very different way - there's going to be lots and lots of editing once I finally set down to publish this. Which is probably for the best - I'm sure there are bits of tfp that would be better if I wrote the whole thing and then went back to edit.

My favorite part of this story is still the normal-people jobs I've given everyone, since this is technically a modern AU. We have an investigative journalist who lives on a yacht, mob boss, butler who's retired MI6, and front woman for a punk band which is actually a front for an eco-terrorist group, for example. I talk more about this story here and here. Aside from that, my favorite thing is exploring the relationship between Dark Pit and Lady Palutena, and between Lady Palutena and Medusa.

The former gets off on the worst possible foot in canon, and it's only ever obliquely addressed, so it's a lot of fun to play with and extrapolate from. In this version, Dark Pit is a child whose mother gave up everything to do with him (and said some pretty nasty things in the court record). So that's where we stand: how do you reckon with that? What does it mean that you still want some kind of relationship, or at least answers? What is family and blood, in the end?

The latter relationship is one that's...well, I wouldn't say it's canon, but it's definitely canon-compliant. It's rather like Narumitsu, in that I look at it and go "hm. whatever is going on between those two, they're not normal about each other." This is true in canon, and if anything it's less true in The Palutena Trap, since despite the name the story is not about getting the parents back together so much as reconciling a mother and son. But the more this idea ferments in my brain the more I want to have some kind of meeting at the end. Maybe it goes badly, maybe it goes less badly, but I have this mental image in my head: Imagine the messiest divorce you've ever seen. Ugly, dragged through the papers, all kinds of legal issues, you part ways never to speak again. You hate her guts, and you can't go a month without thinking about her because she's always got Yet Another Stupid News Article coming out. You find out your kids have been playing some switcheroo on you, and when you meet her again you're coldly civil, both of you clearly holding yourselves back from starting a slugfest in the local forum, and then you see: she's still wearing your wedding ring. The one you picked out, the one you put on her finger 14 years ago. I just. IDK they're not normal about each other and the complexity and ambiguity of it compels me.

Vaguely Remembered 2nd Grade Writing Assignment | like 2 pages maybe | G | Gen | The Land Before Time

Alright this one's definitely cheating but this has already been a lot of reminiscing about the past, so here's a toast to the very first thing I ever wrote: an adventure story starring the main cast of The Land Before Time. All I remember about it is it absolutely sucked to get started but once I did it was longer than it needed to be and I used the word Petrie-ball™. Yes, including the ™. The Petrie-ball™ was how they solved the big obstacle, I think. Like I said, I don't remember much of it, but I remember how proud and happy I felt when it was done. So here's to you, long-forgotten fanfiction adventure story. Here's to the first of many, with many more to follow after.

(Also, if you want to see more of TFP, Palutena Trap, or Peregrine Podfic, you can bother me in a few hours for WIP Wednesday! If you want more OG Peregrine you have to bother @stonemaskedtaliesin instead. Actually, make sure you do that, I know they've got chapter 8 waiting in the wings and I NEED to see how that scene with Pip and Lissa plays out)

#If you made it to the end I love you WOW I wrote a lot for only having two fics posted in the last 10 years #but this was a lot of fun #very nostalgic #writing #WIP Wednesdays #<- the tag I use so you can bother me #other tags:#tfp #palutena trap #song of the peregrine #my writing

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oraclekleo · 1 year

Text

Kim Jun Seo (WEi) Kinky Tarot Reading

Disclaimer:

All celebrity readings have purely entertainment nature

I don’t know any of the celebrities personally

Don’t base life decisions purely on tarot readings

I can never guarantee any of what’s said in the reading

This a digital content only, no physical item will be shipped to you

Due to this fact, there are no refunds for paid readings

Reading Info:

Rating: 18+

Reading Type: Single - Couple

Requested: Yes - No

Requester: /

Deck(s): Dark Wood Tarot

Spread: Kinky Reading

Questions:

Position

Libido

Turn On

Kink

Dirty Secret

Celebrity Info:

Full Name: Kim Jun Seo

Stage Name: Junseo

Group: WEi

DOB: 20.11.2001

Blood Type: O

MBTI: ESFJ

Sun Sign: Scorpio

Chinese Sign: Metal Snake

Life Path Number: 7

Masterpost: WEi

Kim Jun Seo

Junseo (WEi)

DOB: 20.11.2001 Blood Type: O MBTI: ESFJ Sun Sign: Scorpio Chinese Sign: Metal Snake Life Path Number: 7 Spread / Question: Kinky Reading Deck(s): Dark Wood Tarot

Position - 9 of Pentacles

Junseo is not the type to overshare with his partner in a relationship. Actually, he might have tendencies towards secrecy and keeping his thoughts and ideas for himself. He’s not likely to just open up to anybody, he’s more of a private person by nature, even in a romantic relationship. His lover might sometimes feel shut out from Junseo’s life because there are aspects he’s not willing to show to other people. There’s a lot going on behind his sweet mask of a face and it takes some patience and digging to reach to the core of his heart and soul.

Libido - XXI The World

While Junseo isn’t really the type to emotionally connect with other people, his sex drive and lust are at their peak now. He might tend to indulge himself in many exciting experiments. The world lies at his feet now and he’s willing to taste its fruits in all varieties. However, Junseo might not be willing to commit to one person at the moment. He’s at the top of his game now, he’s young, his endurance and energy are nearly bottomless, it simply makes no sense to him to limit his experience to one person.

Turn On - 10 of Cups

Junseo isn’t ready for a serious relationship but he might feel attracted to those who are caring, nurturing and family types. And yes, it’s likely to be problematic and end in tears eventually. Long sad cries of his used-to-be lovers will sound through the night and there’s no way to avoid it.

Kink - 7 of Wands

Junseo might find it especially hot when his lover is at his mercy to a certain degree. He might like to blindfold them or limit their senses or movement in some ways but he sort of expects they will try to break the chains, metaphorically (or literally) speaking. It’s not fun if his lover is lying down motionless and just waiting for him, he likes the thrill of chase or even a little combat with his lover. It can be something as innocent and harmless as tickling battle but it can also slip into much serious plays where safe word is a must.

Dirty Secret - XX Judgement

Junseo is not very likely to make it a public information but he’s actually pretty serious about his relationships. The fact they usually don’t take long isn’t contradictory. He plans them to be short-term. He’s not really into ‘they lived happily ever after’ type of a relationship, he’s more interested in genuine development and going through hardships with his lover and he hopes for those to strengthen the bond or to break it for good. Junseo isn’t a playboy but he simply believes that his true love will love him with all he comes with and will endure the pressure. He puts his lovers through tests often and very often they fail in those. He’s not losing hope for one person to actually make it through all the trials, though.

Thank you for reading!

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#kim junseo #junseo #wei #kpop wei #wei smut #wei scenarios #wei imagines #wei junseo #kpop #kpop smut #kpop tarot #wei tarot #kpop scenarios #kpop imagines #tarot #tarot readings #tarotblr #oracle kleo #kpop imagine

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selectivechaos · 8 months

Note

Hey, I'd just like to clear up a bit of misinformation if that's ok. In my experiences, the term 'negative reinforcement' isn't about punishment. It's not referring to when someone won't speak and is then punished for it. Negative reinforcement is more like removal reinforcement in that it involves the removal of the negative experience of anxiety and that is what reinforces the behaviour. When someone speaks for a mute person, it reduces their anxiety (that's the removal part) and so they are more likely to rely on someone to speak for them in future (that's the reinforcement part). This is what you described when you mentioned feeling less scared when someone speaks for you and I don't think the true meaning of negative reinforcement contradicts that? If punishing behaviours for not speaking are removed when the person speaks, that person is still feeling anxious so it isn't negative reinforcement at all to me because the mute person doesn't feel any better.

Still, I agree that if a mute person asks someone else to speak for them, that person should not refuse because of 'negative reinforcement' but I think it's more that the mute person should be the one to make the decision about what will or will not help them :) Also jumping straight into trying to force a mute person to speak is not a good place to start any kind of recovery effort, I would imagine. Definitely the anxiety would need be reduced in another way first.

- 🌵

hey thanks for this, my bad. especially the last sentence of first para of your ask was what i was confused on.

and yeah the true meaning of negative reinforcement is that you feel less scared when someone speaks for you, because it removes pressure to speak.

but what i mean is that sometimes this is treated this as a bad thing that is inherently contradictory to recovery.

(tw ableism mentions in next two paras). the problem with treating negative reinforcement as inimical to recovery is that in some cases the efforts are focused on Never speaking for the person with sm, because you’re scared to ‘make it worse’ for them. people don’t want to ‘encourage’ the mute behaviour.

so it’s not always about them straight up forcing the person to speak, as much as it is them forcing the person out of silence, or shunning them for being situationally mute. this approach leads to parents refusing to get their children diagnosed, ignoring and hiding diagnoses of sm from them. because the parents think that if the child knows that what they experience has a name, then they’ll think that it’s okay not to speak, or they’ll use it as an excuse. then there is the wider idea of mutism as comfort, or as hiding away from speaking, rather than as the inability to speak. it’s sort of an “in the real world people aren’t just going to let you not speak” and “when you grow up, people aren’t going to keep speaking for you” kind of thing.

🌹 again thanks for clarifying. and yeah i agree that the main focus should be anxiety reduction. making the situation feel safer and less anxious is the first step; rather than trying to mold the person to the situation, you mold the situation to them.

and while speaking for someone does reduce their anxiety by removing pressure to speak, and it shouldn’t be demonised or avoided as much as it is, there are definitely other ways to reduce anxiety too. like removing the spotlight from the person, not asking lots of questions to them, asking questions only indirectly so they have the option of whether or not to answer. and positive reinforcement with ensuring that when they do speak, they’re met with acceptance and kindness. 🌹🌹🌹

#anon ask #🌵 anon #long post #selective mutism #sm tag #sm treatment

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yooniesim · 2 years

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I appreciate people who use their own money to pledge on patreon and redistribute early access & permanently paywalled content to those of us who don’t have the financial capability to do so (or just don’t want to / can’t reasonably make it a priority). Especially considering it is genuinely risky with some of these creators whom are willing to dox their own patreons, and scrutinise + track all of them regardless of concrete suspicion. The people who it’s redistributed to aren’t potential patreons thus there’s really no type of monetary loss to be had; and like you said nothing about it goes against EAs tou which has power over a creator’s personal tou. I appreciate and respect the work that creators put into their cc, which may sound contradictory to some after the controversial things I’ve just said. Although I hold more respect for people who are giving more options to support them other than having to buy their content but rather allow tips etc. I don’t have any issue with creators asking for some kind of financial support when they’re already releasing cc items for free. That being said obviously early access releases are significantly better than perma paywalling. I absolutely understand needing the extra money as someone who is permanently disabled and cannot work, and am not saying that early access creators shouldn’t exist, but surely being so upset over content redistribution is a little silly? I’ve never seen anyone not give credit to the original creator, and in terms of my personal values I feel that’s a significantly more important aspect of tous. None of this is worth doxing people over - they’re clothes, hairs and furniture for a game. I also think having a patreon where you’re required and expected to post content every month (or more frequently) is damaging to the creator them self. It is a lot of pressure and eventually the quality of the cc takes a hit because of it, and before you know it people are paying for quick mesh edits and rushed pieces (In some cases this is the outcome, not all). Essentially: I have qualms with the simblr patreon model, it seems to be detrimental all around and there are definitely other ways to receive financial compensation for the work you put into cc

wow all I can say is that I agree with pretty much everything you said, nonny. I honestly have nothing to add and you probably know how I ramble lol.

#asks #anonymous #ceci speaks #the patreon issue #what else can i say #perfection #my mind has been read

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simonalkenmayer · 1 year

Text

You’ve probably heard something to the effect of, a person is unpredictable/intelligent but a mob is predictable/stupid?

When we are predicting or predictively modeling human behavior, we are up against the Heisenberg’s uncertainty of your moods. At any point, any one person can be spontaneous, and while it’s true that math knows how to provide wiggle room, with rates of uncertainty and plus or minus and so forth, there’s still not telling how your brain chemistry is about to go. We can run a simulation on ten people and nine will do the thing, while the tenth is hungry and doesn’t feel like it. However, when group dynamics factors in, it becomes a hell of a lot easier.

Why?

Because when humans move in groups, or share information in groups, they subsume their corrective impressions, or contradictory thoughts. They even ignore their own senses. A cult can take a perfectly rational and healthy adult with intellect and independent thinking, and through repetition, stress, and peer influence, train their brains to forget even their own studied expertise. Memories can be manipulated through repetition. The social pressure of the situation somehow herds people into conformity.

So I can predict what a group will do, with certain allowances—a family, a mob, a band, a government…but I can never predict with any reasonable certainty, what you will do.

However… the pressure that creates conformity in the human brain doesn’t exist in the same way for loosely assembled groups

The internet, in many ways, creates e rough of a break between people, that it is much more difficult to create the same level of conformity. And yet online relationships produce some of the most complex Abernathy psychology; from teens murdering friends to get views, to people participating in alt right chat spaces and becoming further radicalized. These people meet in loosely oriented or structured groups with opt out ability in the form of a simple button, and yet…

So what is happening to produce this? What switch flips in the human brain to allow them to feel more connected to and influenced by information on a screen than to the people with whom they daily associate?

There is a kind of inversion that takes place in the mind. I’ve explained weak and strong actors before. People you see daily like a parent or boss is a strong actor, with lots of influence over you. A weak actor is a cousin you see twice yearly or a schoolmate you see once a week. In a normal relationship, you would expect that a family or community member would be a stronger actor on someone than a person in a chat room named billybob69. And yet in these cases of extreme behavior, it always seems as if the internet space acts more heavily on the mind than does the daily life.

Some people blame escapism. They suggest that there is a kind of willingness to participate in this altered reality in which you are a central figure. In other words, the flexibility of internet spaces allows you to create the world around your desires. And while I may agree to an extent with that, I still don’t believe it is enough of an i fluencies to make people harm their own. I think it takes more.

I think abuse (not subtle emotional manipulation, but indeed real trauma) to make this switch flip. I think that the mind ensures abuse that makes it wish to escape, not simply for reprieve but for actual freedom from harm. I think they reach for that altered reality as a kind of therapy. I think this makes them vulnerable to group dynamics, and I think this is what is happening. In cases of extremism, I really do feel that they are a natural run off consequence of abusive patriarchy, and I think I can use internet group dynamics models to prove it.

So that’s my day so far. How was yours?

#group dynamics #abuse

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joeey-dee · 10 months

Note

Do you have any Oliver headcannons? /gen

Yes, so many… don’t even know where to start, lol.

Most are pre-Gambit, and who he was before. The show gave us very little information and what they did give us was a bit contradictory or the sources weren’t that reliable; the press, Oliver himself. And I know this statement probably seems a bit strange, how can Oliver not be a reliable source about his past? Well, it’s very simple, Oliver has a very negative view of himself, he also has the tendency to shoulder the blame for everything and twist and turn events around in his mind until he found a version of events that would make him the bad guy and solely responsible for all the bad that happened to people he cared about.

This is shown very well during that scene by the fire with Sara on Lian Yu, when he apologizes to her and he pretty much tells her if it weren’t for him, she wouldn’t be there. This scene also brings something else with it that makes me appreciate it and Sara a lot, because different than most people in his life, Sara points out how ridiculous the notion that he is responsible for her being on Lian Yu with him is, that he did not force her, and that he wasn’t even the main reason why she joined him on the Gambit. That she is responsible for her own choices and the consequences that came with them.

And even though, she „absolves“ him of his guilt, Oliver never stopped blaming himself and feeling responsible for what happened to Sara. Coming home and having people put all the blame back on him again didn’t help the situation.

So, the way Oliver sees the person he was pre-Gambit is not objective because the people in his life act as if he had been horrible, but the few flashbacks we got, some of the stories we got, show something different. Sure he made some serious mistakes, he was pretty much out of control (might not have been had his parents parented more instead of letting him get away with anything and everything and made things go away by throwing money at the situation instead of trying to find out why Oliver was acting the way he was. It worked with Thea, once Moira stepped up, Thea acted out less.)

If you asked me, and this is one of my major head canons which pretty much bleeds into all of my stories, Oliver was already having serious mental issues before the Gambit. Mentally stable, and healthy people who literally have the world at their feet and all the opportunities there are, do not get drunk to the point of punching a paparazzo or peeing on a cop regularly. They do not sabotage a seemingly perfect relationship by cheating repeatedly. They do not throw their life away and waste their potential, and Oliver had a lot, he is highly intelligent.

I think the partying and drinking was both an escape and a cry for help.

I personally think Oliver was the poster child of the upper echelon that we see so often in the magazines or on TV. The ones most people are envious of because they believe simply by having been born into such a privileged world their lives are perfect. Yet, what most of us never see or consider is the pressure and expectations that come with that privilege or in Oliver’s case last name. To me it appeared he had no say or control over his life and future, he didn’t want to work for QC, but it was clear to his parents that he would. He didn’t seem to enjoy school or actually want to get a college education, he dropped out of four, yet he was forced to get one. It’s a juxtaposition he was in, on the one hand the sky was the limit, there was nothing he couldn’t do, because he owned more money than most people can even wrap their heads around and money can open a lot of doors that otherwise would stay shut, Oliver also seems to be a thrill seeker and that is a dangerous combination. I’d say, it is a pretty fair assessment that Oliver didn’t just drink a lot but also used drugs. Again, going by what I know about that societal class, it’s not difficult to believe that drugs were easy to come by at those parties. On the other hand, he was trapped in a life and a future he didn’t want; going to college, taking over QC. I think that can really mess with you.

Oliver is also a bit of a people pleaser and he hates to hurt people and he also really doesn’t like confrontation or talking about his feelings. Which I think played a huge part in the issues he and Laurel ended up having. Plus when he did actually share his feelings, she didn’t take them seriously.

What always bothers me is the way people act as if Oliver is a horrible person, which just shows me they obviously haven’t tried to see his side of the story, which just boggles my mind since the show is supposedly his story. Oliver is such a troubled and misunderstood person, but like Raisa said, he was a good boy, with a good heart, and that never changed. Oliver has a heart of gold and he just wants to see the people he loves happy and to help where he can.

I trust Raisa and Thea’s view on pre-Gambit Oliver a lot more than Oliver’s. And yes, Thea’s might have to be taken with a small grain of salt too, because she was so young, he was her big bro and she idolized him, but would she have idolized him if he had been a bad big brother? I doubt it, and I think the way he treated Thea, made her a priority in his life even with their almost ten year age difference says a lot about the kind of person and older brother he was.

Thank you so much for that question, I hope I answered it, not sure since I feel I got a little off track and it turned more into a ramble, sorry about that. If not, don’t hesitate to send another question, or if you want specifics, just ask and I try to answer them as well as I can. But one of my major head canons is that Oliver has always been a good guy, even before the Gambit, he was just troubled and struggling.

#arrow #oliver queen #questions #answers #oliver queen appreciation #oliver was very troubled and misunderstood #pre-Gambit #headcanon #family pressure #mental health issues #alcohol and drug problems #oliver is my favorite #he was such a fascinating character #a golden cage is still a cage

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