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theweirdwideweb · 2 years

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Well I've really scared the shit outta the people who care about me in the past 24 hours. Including me! I started EMDR therapy about two months ago, which is a special therapy for trauma where you process memories with the aid of eye movements. It sounds like bullshit, but I have never been effected by therapy this way. They told me to choose a less traumatic memory to start with and we have been working on it for three full sessions. The "less traumatic" memory I chose actually wound up being heavily connected to all these painful issues I'm grappling with recently: body dysmorphia, social isolation, social rejection, self image, self worth, fearing others, fearing myself. ALL this shit. And these eye movements are somehow unlocking these pent up bodily emotions to the point where I am feeling bad. On top of that June 28th was my 2 year alcohol sobriety milestone and 1 year nicotine milestone. This year I decided to quit smoking weed. I had become reliant on it again, as I have been for almost all of my adult life. So I'm dealing with all these intense bodily emotions connected to my very sense of identity---every fear and insecurity I have is just being rattled continuously. Then I quit smoking weed two weeks ago. At first it was fine. Yes, I was having big feelings but that's good actually! Yes! Working through that shit. But I begin to feel worse and worse. I am really going through something in my life right now. I cut ties with my only close friend, I'm essentially friendless if you only count people I see irl regularly. And it's also rattling alll these insecurities for me. I began to feel the situation was hopeless. The problem is too big, it's too late, it's not fixable---it's just who I am. I have a fear that there is something about me which I can't control which repels people. My looks, how I carry myself, my behavior---something makes me fundamentally weird, revolting, unlovable. Like people pity me or are afraid of me. Heavy shit, right? Recently I've had some violently depressive episodes. It's a kind of darkness I rarely experience. So last night I'm at the movies. I went by myself. I go to the movies by myself pretty often actually, at least once a week. Anyway so I'm at this movie and it's getting crowded in the theater. There's multiple groups of people sitting in every row --- except for my row. Not a single other person sat in my row. It was a prime row! This is just dinging every one of these deep dark fears once again. I'm looking at all these people with their friends and lovers sitting in the rows in front of me. The move starts and I could feel the empty seat next to me. It was like a cold, empty, bottomless void, and I could feel it inside myself too. It was purely an emotional state, not really any thoughts behind it, and I didn't have the specific thought that I wanted to kill myself, no plan no nothing like that, but I know that is how people feel before they commit suicide. I touched something dark. So this stupid Nicolas Cage movie is going and I'm sitting there trying to pretend I'm fine but inside my head I'm trying to figure out what to do. I figure---anything I have to do to stop feeling this way is acceptable. Fuck your sobriety. Do anything to stop this. It was thunderstorming as I left the theater and I parked way down the block and there's lighting everywhere. I'm walking in the rain with no umbrella and I'm so cold. I get in my car and turn up the heat and I'm saying to stuff to myself like, "Just go home. Just gooo home." I had to pass home on my way to the liquor store and I honestly didn't know which one I was going to until I pulled into my own parking lot. I was completely rattled all night. I told on myself to my sisters right away. This morning I spoke to them again and decided to cancel EMDR this week and start smoking weed as soon as possible. Called out of work. Went to my sister's house and got some weed from her. Went to therapy. We came up with a safety plan. I called out of work again tomorrow. My only job for the next few days is relax.

#tw suicide

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ptsd-phoenix · 17 days

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22 april 2024 - have a feeling this will be venty

I have that feeling cause I just started dissociating as I opened this. Maybe I already did before. Am I forgetting why I wanted to make this post? It's getting harder to breathe? Why? What a strange feeling. Overwhelming. Fear in my arms again. Let me move my body around and come back to this. Maybe get a sour candy. Smell a scent stick.

It helped a bit. I have a little spiky ball and I grabbed a plushie to hug. The sour candy was nice. My head started hurting though. I'm still feeling triggered. I don't really know why.

I've not been able to write much on here cause I keep dissociating too much or feel too triggered. I don't remember what the last thing I wrote was..

It makes sense though. Even though I've been very lucky with lot's of rain and cloudy weather!! The plants still grow though, perhaps even more with all the water. Sometimes the rain makes them emit more scent. Like the earth itself will smell. I still don't know what the sources are for the scents that trigger me. It's likely a cocktail of many different things.

I find it hard to actually stand still and face the triggers instead of rushing and trying to get away faster. I've tried standing still and it just keeps building up and up and it makes me want to give up before it starts decreasing, though I did it today too and I focused really hard on grounding and it felt like I had at least taken the edge of. But yeah I am surely avoiding it, I guess I don't feel strong enough to bear the pain perhaps. Or well, it's normal to want to go away from pain. At least I still take my dog for walks and walk through the areas where the scents are bad.

I also said to my therapist last week I felt the trauma I wanted to process that session wasn't bad enough to warrant processing. She replied saying that if that were the case we could start the processing and if we discovered it was no big deal for me then I would be feeling fine and we could just do something else. Obviously it was a big deal for me. I did partly process some triggers during the EMDR as well.

It also makes sense because a big triggering holiday is coming up this week. I've been sensing it's approach for some weeks now. I will do exposure during it. Actually.. it might be good to process that in my next therapy session too. Let me look something up in my trauma diary.. (not the best idea, I admit)

I ended up reading the whole diary. It makes me see how far I have come in my healing. Comparing my current situation to back then. That is hopeful.

Someday, a future me will be reading these journal entries. And they will think what I think now: "wow, I've improved so much compared to the past"

Hope.

This is but a moment in time. A painful journey to travel.

On a brighter side. I purchased VIP tickets to go see a concert and get my album signed and meet the artists. This year is a good concert year for sure. Going to concerts by myself opens up a lot of fun experiences.

I have also been working on my sleeping schedule as much as I've been able to hold myself accountable. Which is why right now I need to turn off my pc and get into bed. I've purchased a white noise machine and I've been using multiple different sound options to fall asleep. It really does make me feel safer in bed. It's a noticeable difference.

I can do this. Being triggered might make it feel like the world is standing still but this is just another day among many. The sun will set and rise again.

Dissociation doesn't last forever. It comes and goes. I will feel fully grounded again. I wont feel this way forever. I wont get 'stuck in this setting'.

Even if my dreams wont be good I will wake up and get to experience a new day and my dreams can be forgotten again.

I can recharge in bed with my plushie. It's okay to feel scared. But there is no danger in bed. The music box will be there for a comforting melody. It will be okay.

#phoenix posts non poetry

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larksheaven · 3 months

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i’m sat on my desk chair in full night makeup and a cardigan waiting for my friends to cancel. i have this gnawing, aching feeling like i can predict what words will light up my screen next.

sorry, my friend doesn’t want to hang out as three. rain check? or the more subtle: hey, so sorry i don’t think we’re gonna go after all. i can picture it clearer than i can see myself now, sitting in this room. i can picture me, two minutes from now, putting my tail between my legs and going back to bed waiting for life to happen to me.

that’s fine, i’ll say. i was kinda tired anyway. long week and all.

she tells me she’s almost leaving and i still don’t believe it. i am sat in this chair with my back slouched. my nerves have been acting up all day. i had to film a mock video interview today, twice. i cried during both.

a firework goes off and i’m so on edge it feels like a gunshot. they hunt a lot of animals where i grew up. i think i always understood what the animals must feel. i’ve always believed something’s out to get me. usually because it has.

i should be checking my pizza isn’t burning but i’m just sat here thinking how i know this isn’t normal. i know that this is nurture, not nature, that my nurture was ostracism and closed doors. i don’t remember ever getting out. i think a part of me is still locked in there most days.

normal. a normal person would take rejection in stride. a normal person would not be frozen to this chair to begin with. a normal person would be excited to go out clubbing for the first time. (the fireworks are at it again. it’s like i can feel them in my spine). i’m meeting my friend, and her friend. that’s too many degrees of separation for my liking. i’m not used to this hands on stuff, i mean, clearly. here i am, not moving, waiting for a text to wake me up like some sleeper agent on standby.

i watch them in my head like it’s some movie, laughing behind my back, sending the text to cancel and going anyway. i see it later on their instagram story, they danced all night and had a blast while i curled under a heated blanket.

i started therapy again last week; she told me my avoidance was a maladaptive coping mechanism. i already knew that, but i acted a little surprised to make her feel like she was Doing Her Job Well. not that she was doing bad or anything, it’s just that when you spend enough time alone, you get to know your demons. calling them demons feels mean. maybe little ghosts is more apt.

the little ghosts look like me at different ages, and they all warn me with every turn i take. don’t get your hopes up too high. take a whole lot of photos, that way you won’t have got all made up for nothing. do it before they cancel, you don’t want sad eyes. you want to look like you did before it all went wrong.

i don’t mind these ghosts, though i wish i could talk back to them sometimes. i know they’re just trying to save me from what they couldn’t save themselves from. but im here now, in the end. and isn’t that nice? if you look at me you might almost think im a whole person.

i do wish i could stop feeling so guilty all the damn time. i think it’s self sabotage; i talk to myself like for some reason i’m not allowed to enjoy the full breadth of human experience. like i’m some stowaway in the back of a truck full of real people who are allowed to exist.

i just realised, maybe i should read all this to my therapist. third one in the bag, woo! i should get an award or something for all the times i’ve had my brain put into a test tube in front of me. i would read this to her, but i got a call a few days after my first session. bereavement. she’ll be off indefinitely. i know it’s nothing to do with me, but i find it morbidly funny. we were about to start emdr, an eye movement therapy to help me process something that happened ten years ago. we’re almost at that anniversary. i feel like i should get a cake, or a million or something. but nobody pats you on the back just for getting there. you just do.

i’ve psyched myself out so much that now i’m considering cancelling. i’m fantasising about my bed and not having to drive. my head likes to ruin things for me until it gets me to ruin them myself. i always think people will laugh at me, see. i think they’ll know that i’m naked underneath.

#writeblr #my writing #writers on tumblr #writing #warmup #poetry #poets on tumblr #original poem #poems on tumblr #spilled ink

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paradoxesofgalaxies · 1 year

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Ok. Gonna try to do a therapy recap. We'll see how this goes

TW: csa implied

I was anxious going into therapy. It had been two weeks since our last session and a lot had come up since then. We started by talking about the memory that came up last week and has been plaguing us since. Then we talked about our plans to go no contact with our parents. Which popped back into the 2018 trauma and what we learned about that yesterday.

And then with about 20 minutes to go, he suggested doing EMDR on the memory that came up, but left the choice to me and foolishly I agreed. We spent 3 or 4 minutes doing the assessment part of things and then got right into tapping. He had me focus on the image while tapping and then we stopped and he asked what I'd noticed (a child crying and saying no) then again. That time the child started saying "why would he do this to me?" In the next round I was shown an image of my father as he looked when I was very young. In the next the child started saying "I'm in trouble" "what did I do". He pointed to I'm in trouble as the negative cognition and asked what I would want to replace it with and I chose "it wasn't my fault". But then it was over. Time had run out. He asked what I would do to ground after, but commented that I seemed fairly grounded.

As soon as we'd closed our tablet, a young part switched out and started crying. So maybe not that grounded.

I hate how compliant we are. We just go along with things even when things feel off.

My head feels spacey and I'm jumpy and can't seem to settle.

#galactic gab #therapy logs #csa tw

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old4sa · 4 months

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A lot has happened to me this year, so I'm summarizing it under the cut. It gets heavy but nothing graphic. Thank you for reading.

Back in February, I had the realization that I'm a victim of CSA, and this set in motion a lot of things that've happened this year. I was subsequently diagnosed with C-PTSD, and was going to therapy once a week, but I was still very badly spiraling at work, and after a couple months trying to keep going like nothing was wrong, I finally realized I needed help and took a leave of absence.

I joined an outpatient program and it helped get me more stable by teaching me coping skills and grounding techniques for when things would get bad. It gave me a place to talk about my feelings, something I've never had before. It helped me realize that I'm not alone and that other people can be trusted to know my pain.

Ultimately, the most progress I've made with my healing has been thanks to EMDR these last couple months. I've realized my problems come from more than just my CSA or the way my father raised me, but also in the way my mother raised me as well, and how growing up with C-PTSD has shaped me. With EMDR, I can feel myself moving from a constant state of reactionary panic, into something calm and receptive.

This has been a really difficult experience. Both in having to confront the ways I've been hurt, and in recognizing the negative patterns I've been taught and inadvertently used to hurt others. Abuse is a cycle. It's not enough to look at your own abuse and say "I won't do those specific things," you have to look at the overall picture, what about situations trigger you into behaving in harmful ways. I never would've been able to see that clearly without the help of my EMDR therapist and this terrible realization I've had.

This year also saw the end of a 5 year and long distance relationship (for the best, but still heartbreaking) and more recently my decision to start going by my birth name and pronouns again. There are lots of things I've learned from being a trans guy and it was a lifesaving decision at the time, but I know my aversion to being my original self is very trauma-informed and warped by systemhood, and I want to be able to be myself again.

Lots of terrible things have happened, but they've all informed good things, more truthful things, and I'm so immensely grateful for that. I've read a lot more this year and have pushed myself out of my comfort zone to join some groups on Meetup. I'm planning on moving out early next year. And I'm more ready to welcome people in, now that I'm in a safer mindset, and I'm so grateful I'm getting a chance to start over and be kinder to the people around me and receive kindness in turn. I want to heal and I really feel like I'm moving in a good direction.

Thank you so much for reading this, I hope we all have a healthier, happier 2024!

#our posts

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marierg · 1 year

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Of Light and Darkness: Ch. 22

Pairing: Obi Wan Kenobi X Reader

Rating: Mature (Making out in the last bit; mild spicy)

WARNINGS!: Not much this is a fluffier chapter. Panicked mom, Panicked Master, Depression, Stress. Lot's O' fluff at the end though, little spicy. Allusions to future naughtiness.

A/N: So this was a chapter I was working on right before my computer got fragged. Yes I know it's a little late, but I hope you all still enjoy. FYI There's SMUT in the Next chapter

PS- Kitchke: (noun) Yiddish word meaning similar to knick knacks, various items in odd assortments.

Picture Credit: Pinterest

Word Count: 2300 ish

Masterlist Next Part

Mild Naughtiness under cut

“Master Y/n there’s something going on in the square!”

Anakin had dashed ahead of you on your walk to gather supplies in town. It had been almost 5 weeks, hard and rewarding both at once. Anakin was a fast learner when devoid of distraction, and the taunts of the other padawans. And it was Obi Wan who had unintentionally had the breakthrough with him, while teaching him to balance on the beach pylons.

A cat had wandered onto the two and had climbed up Obi Boy's back to perch on his feet, which were in the air at the time. Anakin had fallen then watched in amazement as his Master remained still as stone still deep in meditation. With a little encouragement the young man had tried again. Finally sinking into a concentrated place of mind he tried balancing on one foot, at which point the cat had decided Anakin looked more comfortable than Obi Wan. The boy had wobbled for a moment but kept his perch, the cat wrapped itself around his neck and took a nap. Apparently purring helps concentration according to Anakin. The small creature had been hanging around ever since, somehow knowing it was needed, and Obi Wan had encouraged it. He pointed out that the tiny creature gave Anakin the companionship that he craved so desperately. Anakin had even started to meditate regularly, as long as his furry friend was there.

As for your fellow Master he had started to come a long way in his own “training” as it were. EMDR was a harsh but effective therapy. In these sessions you had found more than even you were aware of, things that he hadn’t revealed to anyone, not even Qui Gon. As a healer you were proud of how far Obi Wan had progressed in his journey, as his partner you found it upsetting that he hadn’t said anything earlier. It was frustrating at times, but you were just as guilty of keeping secrets. Going to town the day after a session had become habit by now to give Obi Boy space to decompress and you time to process.

“Wait up Ani-man,” finally coming along side the excited boy you saw the source of the commotion. It was a little festival with games and shows for the children. “Well would ya lookie there, wanna go?”

“Yeah!” The young man had a smile as broad as an electric billboard. “Why is everything green all of a sudden?”

Karking Hells, how could you have forgotten! Laughing you smiled at your apprentice. “It’s Life Day Eve! A Happy Life Day Anakin!”

“Uh… Happy Life Day Master?” He maintained a smile through his obvious confusion.

Remembering that this was all new to the young man you nudged him towards the square. “Life Day is a Holiday on Kashyyyk, it celebrates family, harmony and joy. There’s stories and songs and lots of delicious foods.”

Anakin was now thoroughly excited. “Can we have a Life Day as Jedi?”

“Oh Yeah! Both my Masters always celebrated. Especially because Master Yoda keeps the tradition. We need to change the list!” pulling out your data pad fingers flying at the speed of light.

How could you have almost forgotten for the second year in a row? You swung into the greens stall, then the butchers, and then nudged Anakin toward the fun.

“You go ahead I need to get a few things in here, enjoy yourself.”

Walking into the cozy mercantile you had to admire all the kitchke. It was meant as a one stop shop in this one speeder town and it genuinely carried a little of everything. Looking over the curiosities, bits, and baubles you quickly found something for your apprentice. Obi Boy on the other hand would be a challenge as ever. He already had a new belt, he didn’t use a razor much these days, his robes were in good shape.

“Karking hells...” You were muttering under your breath as you perused the selection of various items in the display when something caught your eye. “No way, this is perfect!”

“I don’t know it’s a rare find in these parts.” The Clerk haggled with you for a minute or two finally naming a price. You still drew a small salary from teaching and working at the hospital so the credits to spoil the boys was a non issue in your eyes.

“Thank you I’ll take it.”

Finishing your exchange you hustled to find Anakin whom was deeply interested in the games with the other kids. He seemed so happy just tossing rings like anyone else, you smirked as you watched him use the Force to help one of the toddlers with her turn.

The shadow of worry passed you once more. It had crossed your mind more than once that maybe it would have been better for Anakin if he had been returned to his mother and living a normal life. You usually shook off these thoughts remembering that his mother was still a slave and that his quality of life was far better with you and Obi Wan. Still you wished that you could give him a little more of the life you experienced away from the Temple when you were younger.

“Junny? Junny?! Junny where are you?!”

Turning you saw a woman yelling into the crowd. She came near, eyes frantically searching the square, “Have you seen a little girl in a green and red dress? Oh Maker what if she’s hurt? Or Lost….”

“It’s ok we’ll find her, my name is Y/n.” pulling the poor woman to a stop you grasped her hand trying to get her to make eye contact. “So Junny is your little girl, and how old is she?”

The woman started to cry, still trying to bob around you to continue her search, “she’s eight with a purple stripe in her hair. I need to find her... Please let me go!”

Finally placing her to sit on a nearby bench you stood in front of her. “I know you want to find her and we will, but lets think this out. Where did you last see her?”

“In front of the ice cone vendor. I turned for just a second and she was gone! This is all my fault, how could I be so stupid!”

“Now you are no such thing, don't talk down to yourself like that.” Patting her shoulder and smiling, you waived Anakin over to help. Explaining the situation to your Padawan he took off with a shot. “There now Anakin’s going to look around the games. Kids get into mischief, it’s what they do.”

She was still pretty freaked out, crying softly. Taking an assessing look around the square you considered the question: if it were you, where would you go? Games whirred, delicious smells filled the air, performers mid play. Suddenly a flash of color caught your eye.

“Does Junny like trees?”

“Yes…why?”

“I think I found her. Oh Anakin?”

You indicated for him to go ahead. Junny wasn’t very high up the branches making the job easy for Anakin who guided the scared girl down. It was a simple case of having climbed up the girl became so frightened she couldn’t get down. After reuniting mother and daughter you both started back to the cottage.

When you crossed the threshold Obi Wan was no where to be found, something that worried you. You were about to start looking when Anakin called out from the front deck. “Master Obi Wan! Check it out we’re having a Life Day!”

“Hey you! Where’d you go?” walking over to greet him you immeadiately noticed he was trying to hide something under his robes.

“Wouldn’t you like to know wee thing?” He linked his pinky with yours as he passed through the door way. “I’ll be out to help in a minute, I just have to put something away.”

Obi Wan smiled seeing your face shift from worry to relief. He had snuck to town not long after you and the boy had left, intent on getting a few things. Obi Wan was feeling happy again for the first time in a long while, his mind rested and at ease. He also knew that the time to return to the Temple was fast approaching, and while he was looking forward to home he could sense that you were not.

Putting away the items, he saw you and Anakin readying the evening meal. You nodded at something Anakin had said, then started a roast in the oven. The boy was pealing tubers for mashing as you continued whatever lesson you were trying to impart. He loved to watch you when you did little things like this, your cute little tics and expressions came to the forefront. Maker what he wouldn’t do to see those same expressions when you were home again, but you placed a mask firmly over them. It had become all the more firmly placed after the incident with Master Adeva, your version of trying to prove everyone wrong.

Obi Boy was watching you, but you pressed on with the cooking lesson. His signature was there warm and brighter than it had been in so long, wrapping around yours, dancing in a way that you dare not do even in front of Anakin. It was hard having to be a proper Jedi all of the time, some days you just wished to run off with the RRC for a good six month deployment. But the boys needed you, so you would endure the constant pressure cooker that was the Temple.

“Lovely one are you alright?”

You could fib, but he would know and you wouldn’t do that to him. “I don’t want to go back Obi…”

“I know.”

He came to sit on the stool next to you, moving his leg just enough that it came in contact with your own. Obi Wan saw the tears that you hid so well, the stress, the sadness. He though of all you had given up for him and Anakin. A memory resurfaced, a lesson that his own Master had taught him long ago. “May I take over the stove?”

Looking up from your current task of chopping salad you quirked a brow, “Sure…”

Obi Wan pulled out 2 pans and filled them with water, and then readied your Kaf pot as well. “Anakin have I ever told you about Master Qui Gon’s lesson about life?”

“No, Master Obi Wan.”

“Ah, then its high time that I did. You see the water in these pots represents life.” He had brought the containers to a boil and now added the tubers to one pot and an egg to the other. Finally he placed your Kaf pot on to simmer. “The items in the water are a similar to people in a way. Trying to withstand the heat and pressure life can bring can cause extreme changes in that person”

You had traded him spots, now sitting on the stool, watching in fascination. “Any lesson involving Kaf has my vote!”

“Soon Sweetling.” He smirked at you as he poured out the water from the tuber pot and placed it in front of Anakin. He then retrieved the egg as well placing it on a plate. Handing the boy a masher he continued the lesson. “Now what do you observe with these vegetables?”

Anakin smashed away at the contents of the pot while Obi Wan added butter and cream. “They're mushy.”

“Exactly and the egg?”

Anakin rolled the egg against the counter and pealed off the shell, “It got hard.”

“So too can life make some people hard or to make them crumble under it’s tribulations and trials.” Obi Wan then gently poured out a cup of Kaf into a mug. “Now Anakin if you look at this mug what do you see?”

“The source of Master Y/n’s sanity.” He quipped with a smirk.

Obi Wan couldn’t restrain the smile on his own face, “Well…You’re not wrong.”

“Hey!” you gave them a halfhearted glare.

“Anyway, you can see that instead of the water doing anything to the grinds it has been transformed because of them. As Jedi we must be like the Kaf, affecting those around us for the better, changing life for the better.” Handing you the mug he allowed his fingers to linger just a moment. “There’s not often a choice of what can happen to us, but we always have a choice of how we respond.”

“Oh… I like this lesson, it includes dinner!” Anakin said adding some cheese to the mash.

“Well said brilliant man.” You winked over your mug to Obi Wan. “I second that motion!”

After a wonderful meal and many stories of your favorite Life Days as younglings the three of you were enjoying dessert and more Kaf. Standing up you reached into your pack for the presents you had for them. “Here Anakin this ones for you.”

Opening it Anakin immediately started bouncing off the chair with joy. “WIZARD! It’s a schematic pad!”

“I hope its ok?” Seeing him nod excitedly made you happier than anything. “Thought you could use it to start doodling lightsaber designs.”

“Thank you Master Y/n and Master Obi Wan! Can I take it to my room?”

“Yes but it’s late so try to be asleep soon.” Obi Wan said over the counter, watching the boy dash off finally leaving the two of you alone. He moved to the far end of the sofa in the day room, you joined him a few moments later bringing the present and two glasses. Eyeing you up and down a sensuous grin crossed his face. “Well wee woman what do you have for me there?”

Posing flirtatiously you batted your eyelashes at him. “Now you have to behave, at least till Anakin’s asleep.”

“Or you’ll do what wee one?” his tone deepening with the challenge issued. With a pull of the Force you landed on his lap and were instantly trapped. Obi Wan nuzzled into the crook of your neck kissing and breathing you in. “I’ve something for you as well darling, but as you said we must wait.”

“Maker Obi…” It came out a sigh, your brain trying to stay focused. Taking a deep breath you turned to face him better and handed him the package. “Hope you like it. I wasn’t sure what to get you, Qui Gon used to help me pick... but then I saw this.”

A sad smile crossed Obi Wan's face, but the memories no longer hurt. It gave him peace to be able to talk about his Master again. Pressing his head to yours he once more turned to the gift. Pulling the dusty bottle from the wrapping Obi Wan examining the label. “How did you even find this?”

“It’s from your home planet right?”

“Yes but… this is very hard to come by it takes so long to age.” Obi Wan was stunned that somehow you had obtained a bottle of authentic Scotch from Stewjon. He had only tasted the marvelous liquid a few times but it always felt like something warm and familiar. He turned you to face him, “What have I done to deserve such a thoughtful gift?”

“Your love has always been enough for me Obi Boy, nothing special needed.” You caressed the side of his face where his beard had really come in now. Slowly scratching the soft bristles caused you to grin, “I like this.”

“Really? Hmmm…” Oh this woman, what would Obi Wan do with you? Well, he certainly had an idea or two. “I want you to know sweetling… I know this isn’t what you’d planned, but I so grateful every day that you’re here with us.”

Blinking a few times you snugged into his shoulder. “Doubt that either of us would have planned this. That’s ok though, cause it's better. Like you said be the Kaf.”

Obi Wan was contented to hold you like this, just being in the moment. You on the other hand had started to squirm. Hmm two could play at this. Moving one of his hands on your thigh slowly up towards your apex, then around your hip to gently smack the rounded globes of your bottom. “Be patient…”

“I can be patient.” Leaning up you pressed your lips to his, trying to contain the desperation within you. pressing your lips softly against his, tongue slipping past begging to spar with his. Kisses becoming more hungry, nipping at his chin as you pulled away for air. Staring into his darkening pupils you gave a victorious grin. kissing along his jawline you whispered in his ear, “Very… Very… Patient.”

Obi Wan rolled you beneath him, placing the bottle on the floor. “Then behave wee one…or no present.”

@in-a-mellow-tone @meshlasolus @nurseytypechick @stanny-uwu @just-dreaming-marvel @a-rose-of-amber @aquaamethyst96 @songoficecreamandfireworks @obiknights @pickleprickle @iambored24601 @acatalystrising @purplepandora666 @lovelyxmaggs @misscamptl @ginger-swag-rapunzel @the-going-merry @iabrokengirl @foxperifoto @annasun13 @moostresskenobi

#Because it can still be life day if I want it too #Plus I'm not big on the soon to be Hallmark day #Love your SO's all Year #obi wan star wars #obi wan kenobi x reader #obi wan x reader #obi wan fanfiction #obi wan kenobi #OL&D

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keepingthehopealive · 1 year

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Therapy updates

I have officially started the termination with L, but we are going slowly which I appreciate and makes it feel a little less real. So we've got as far as going every other week and will go monthly after. I'm not sure how long this will be and I'm letting L kind of chose because it's too hard for me. As I am starting with a new therapist, I feel like I might get to a point where I feel more ready to end with L but I also know it's going to be super hard and painful either way. L has been so good to me for the last 2 years and it's hard to have to go through yet another termination where it is premature, even if I chose it by moving. She is a consistent person in my life and in my weeks and has been there with me through a lot. I so appreciate how she is letting the termination be slow, I know she knows how hard this is for me. We haven't quite discussed it a ton yet, but I imagine over the next few sessions we will.

New therapist B is going well. I've seen her twice and feel very comfortable with her already, I can already feel trust building with her and have taken a lot from the sessions. All good signs. We talked about the blog a bit and I didn't flat out ask her if she's comfortable with it or not, but she also didn't say she wasn't. I think I might ask for more clarification if she's OK with me writing about the sessions, respecting her privacy of course. I don't see why it would be an issue, but given the history I would feel most comfortable asking and making sure it's OK. I've been using my journal a lot to process sessions and already making lists for our appointments which has really helped already (and she accepted openly and encouraged)

She has not made me feel too much with anything that has come up so far. She's also done things already to help me feel comfortable and safe in sessions. She does a couple different modalities of therapy, one of which is Brainspotting, that sounds super interesting and I'm hoping it's something we can do together. It's similar to EMDR (I think the same person?) and is based in mind body connection while processing things (trauma, emotions, past experiences). She already suggested something we could do it with. She also seems very integrated in that she doesn't stick to her modalities alone and is very accepting of everything it seems. So far so good. Which doesn't stop me from having lots of anxieties and fears, but I do also feel lucky to have already pretty easily found someone who I think will be a good fit for me going forward.

#therapy #therapy with l #therapy termination

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chronicallyblogged · 1 year

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Cautiously a little hopeful rightnow. I just got called back by a therapist from the sex trafficking place. She does emdr therapy!! I have trying for so long to get an emdr therapist. She also wasn't put off by the fact I get physically aggressive on certain topics if made to speak on them. Said emdr can be used to avoid that. I start next week.

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informationsorter · 1 year

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no need to respond, but I'd been missing your presence on the dash and was wondering what happened...sending well wishes! your gathering of posts here has been an excellent resource, and definitely no pressure to get back to it—everything here has been more than enough :3

hope you have a good weekend!

Hi Anon, thanks for the ask! I appreciate hearing that you want to see more posts from me :) Unfortunately this year has been off to a slow start for me - something major has happened each month so far. I recently recovered from a 2+ week illness, but it's sadly looking like there's another family death on the horizon. (But I can't pause my life indefinitely, and thankfully there's a real chance of recovery.) I'm planning to get back to posting again very soon. Tomorrow I intend to look for new posts to reblog, as I believe that there is value in less informative posts that still contain information or positive messages. I also hope to (either tomorrow or the day after) start work on the request I had for information regarding hypnosis in therapy. I'm not sure how long that will take, but there will be queued posts every day until then, starting tomorrow. :) After the hypnosis information, my next project is looking at EMDR therapy. I've been planning to do a set of posts on the subject since I started EMDR therapy in December, but I wanted to wait until I had more personal experience to add to the topic. Thank you again for the kind ask, it's very much appreciated. :)

#answered asks #anon ask #for full transparancy #personal update

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emilemily · 1 year

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Also, might as well while I’m here.

Got a car. Mazda. Sturdy. Love her. I could fit so many schnauzers into this SUV.

I didn’t drive for a long time.. but I’m doing it now. I start EMDR therapy next week with my therapist, he desperately wants me to stay sober until we finish in a few months. He tells me of the people he has helped transform through EMDR. He says some sexual assault victims process the event within two months. Other situations might take a little more.

I am making a laundry list of all my trauma. Guess it’s really time to throw it in the pot and move on. Just have to stay sober. It’s insane that I’m even saying that because at almost three years, that should not be such a huge goal

I feel like a failure being so weak.. my therapist says that I’m not, because anyone who can keep up long term sobriety from alcohol while lacking the stable surroundings and tools needed for it, are not failures.

He tells me that my core belief (that I’m a complete failure) rules a lot of what I think and do. He says people with trauma have it as a result of going through something terrible with nobody that loves you being there and on your side.. I started crying when he said it

It just hit me in a deep fraction of my soul

I have never on planet earth wanted to drink as bad as I did on Sunday. I even cried a little because I was mourning the loss of my nearly three years. And I hadn’t even relapsed yet! I just had this feeling I was going to get the idea to do it, and then go pick up. I wanted kava but told myself it really wasn’t a good day to leave the house. I didn’t drink.

I just need some healing so I can leave this mental prison.

But hey, at least I have a car!

I can do anything if I can accomplish that after how many years?

Lol

Good morning, world.

#personal

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buckmepapi · 2 years

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I hate to be rude, but when will you write again? Your work is amazing!

Thank you, love!

I’m not sure to be honest with you. I want to write again and I’m not giving up by any means, I just don’t know when the motivation and drive will come back.

I have a lot of WIPs in my drafts that I’ve been writing pretty much constantly since stopping in April (roughly) of this year. I add to them every so often but I just get unmotivated halfway through or am very critical of them and I end up just saving the progress thus far. So, I’m still writing. I’m just not publishing them for everyone to see, lol. They’re all unfinished, but some of them are very close.

I’ve also been working on doing some Steve Rogers fics to change it up, alongside Eddie Munson, Tasm!peter and Steven Grant. So, I do promise that at some point I’ll be posting again, I just don’t know when.

I think because I was completely new to writing fanfics when I first started less than a year ago, I wrote so many so fast and so detailed and got so excited about it all, that I gave myself burnout without realising until it was too late. I was also moving home at the time, still in a deeply toxic relationship and then left it during that time period, dealing with undiagnosed c-ptsd and coming to terms with recently diagnosed autism, and recently diagnosed and medicated adhd, and now I’m in EMDR therapy for childhood trauma I’m a mess right now and everything’s cluttered. I’m getting better but I’ve only just begun my regular EMDR sessions and once they get into the actual reliving the trauma part my brain will be even more of a mess so I’m not sure when I will feel like it again, but I’m not giving up as I want to continue. I could have a sudden spontaneous moment today and a new fic could be posted in a few hours, or it could be 3 days from now, next week, or next month. I have no idea.

I do promise I’ll be back I just don’t know when it will be. I deffo think I’m mentally exhausted and have burn out though lmao. Because I’ve also stopped all my private hobbies that I use to do like walking, painting, gaming etc.

Hopefully things will get better in terms of motivation soon!!

Also thank you for the compliment 🤭❤️

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one-systems-journey · 2 years

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Thursday 13th October 2022

Haven’t been posting due to not having therapy. Psych had covid in June & she’s gotten every single fragment of a virus that’s crossed her path since. But we were back this week, so that’s good.

Prior to her time off, we did speak about how difficult EMDR processing was just because of different parts holding different memories or parts of memories. How hard it is for me to actually feel the pain of trauma sometimes because we’re so detached. But also every time I try to look inwards, I’m just flooded by the overall awful emotions. I don’t know if it’s the trauma we’re trying to work on, just the whole lifetime of trauma bubbling away under the surface or just a shitty mood. Unless I’m actively triggered, it’s hard to tell the difference. They’re all just as awful as each other.

So, we’re going to try not to focus on the SUDS (subjective unit of distress) before beginning processing & just go off if the distress is increasing or decreasing. We’re also going to do some of the schema therapy rescripting. Just see if it makes any difference. Apparently early evidence is saying it can be as effective as EMDR. Of course more research needs to be done, but might as well give it a go as we haven’t seen much change with EMDR.

I’m not sure we’re all on board because it feels like it’s just making up stories. ‘That didn’t really happen in the trauma memory, so why would it change my perception of the trauma’. But we just want to give it a go anyways.

We tried that today. Just briefly. We started to dissociate after a bit. Things started to change colour & we felt spacey, which is usually the last stage before we can’t pull ourselves back from it. So, we stopped & will hopefully try again next week.

We also spoke again about trying someone else. We just haven’t got anywhere in so long, we really need to try something else. So, I’m going to see a college of hers from her old clinic. They both left aliens the same time, my psych to open her own clinic & this other to go to work for a trauma specific clinic locally. She started the intensive trauma work training around the same time as my psych, but she’s gone on to become fully qualify in it, & is now working on becoming accredited to teach it. Whereas my psych is still completing her full qualification. This new psych has also agreed to allowing me to stay with my current psych for as long as I need. The last person we looked into didn’t want me to do that. She’s also already helped someone to the point of not meeting criteria for DID. Whereas my psych hasn’t got that far with someone, I was her first DID client (not her only one now, but the others are apparently a lot earlier in their therapy journey as a whole). The only down side is it’ll be feb when I can meet her. But I guess with the general limited availability of psychologists & psychiatrists at the moment, for such a specialised one, it’s not too bad. The other thing with this psych is apparently her father is a very well known psychiatrist in the realm of DID. So, she had a head start on her learning. Fingers crossed this works out & it makes progress. I’be been struggling a crazy amount in the past few months & it’s really disheartening to put in so much work with therapy & not get anywhere.

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