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emilemily · 7 days

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Disconnecting myself from online sex work is the best thing I’ve ever done for my mental health. I feel like a young adult who has come out of a phase and feels really embarrassed by what they took on as an identity for x amount of time.

My mental health always suffered when I was doing it. I could never imagine actually seeing clients in person. That’s just me personally, however. Everyone is free to do whatever they can live with at the end of the day.

I’ve come off of two different psych meds and am working on pulling myself off everything else but the Vyvanse. I want my soul back.

I’ll take the crazy whims and the depressive episodes over whatever the fuck I’ve been the last few years. I’m tired of trying to treat whatever is wrong with my brain. I want to feel whole again.

I’m happier than I’ve been in ages.

I will always have a you sized hole in my heart, however. How is it that this happened? How is it that at 30 it still feels like this? I will always love you, no matter what I ever said.

Goodnight.

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emilemily · 1 month

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I have an almost paralyzing fear of the people I love dying. Having watched my father die, I think that event in my life has a lot to do with it. If someone doesn’t reply to my message when they usually would, I start becoming so physically ill I can’t stand it.

I start thinking about the memorial posts that will flood onto their Facebook. I imagine myself sitting and thinking about them in a past tense way, crying my eyes out and having panic attacks.

I get so scared about whatever the last conversation we had was and if it’s one I would regret.

I’m so tormented by the idea of being left behind without the people I care about, because I have felt it many times and every single time it only gets worse.

Sometimes I wish something would take me out tomorrow so I wouldn’t feel this crippling fear, but I’m not suicidal anymore so I know it’s just my intrusive thoughts.

I’m so scared for the day someone really really close to me dies again.

My heart hurts.

#personal #death

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emilemily · 2 months

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What if?

My new job is going really well. My dogs are happy and healthy. I’m not loving the PNW, but I’m trying. I’m mostly happy these days.

What if, though?

What if.

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emilemily · 2 months

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Also, I filed a police report against the guy I mentioned the other day. He has now moved out in record time. 6 sheriffs showed up the other day to try and find him with no luck. There are warrants for his arrest for similar situations.

Wherever he is, I hope he’s suffering.

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emilemily · 2 months

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I’m watching One Day on Netflix and it’s bringing a lot of feelings to the surface that I’d rather keep buried.

I hate the way you imprinted on my soul and won’t ever set me free.

What would it be like to go off together on a vacation and sleep in the same bed? Not sex-related, but the intimacy of it.

We can’t talk anymore the way we once did. Resentment devoured our ability to do so.

So instead of just watching this show and becoming super invested in the characters, I will think about how every day goes by without us speaking is a day that I’m missing everything. The pain you feel, your joy, your success.

All this wasted love and for what?

To always wonder how you’re doing and never being able to know?

You said to me when we last talked “Em, we dated for a month.”

Correct. Why can’t we just be friends again?

Without any funny business. Without any romance. Just two souls finding solace in one another?

I hate being thirty and not being able to talk to you about what being 30 is like, when I remember vividly being 15 and telling you what that was like.

Things are hard lately and I wish with all my wishing power that I could just talk to you without any judgment or resentment or expectations.

I’ve never longed for a conversation this bad in my life.

But I’ll never be the one to initiate it because our last talk hurt me so bad that I fail to see a way I could ever put myself back out there again.

Most of the time, I’m pretty okay with how things played out because you were such a colossal asshole.

But then there are nights like this when I remember the beautiful heart inside you, how much you care for other people when you’re not overcompensating for something and playing a facade, and how very priceless you are.

Or were. Are you still in there? I miss you.

Goodnight.

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emilemily · 2 months

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I still have braces and am wondering if I will ever get them off. Just kidding. One more year. I’ll have to get a few of my teeth cosmetically touched up and built up with this stuff they use (some kind of resin?) to get the perfect smile since they’re too small but we’re almost there!

#braces #adult braces #glasses #me #selfie #tattoos #tattoed girls #alt girl #braceface #brunette

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emilemily · 2 months

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A man forced himself on me in the community laundry room for my apartment complex the other day.

I feel like such an idiot for not seeing the signs. I believe the best in people and always try really hard to help and be a good neighbor when I can.

I was coming back from walking my dogs and he asked me if I had the code to the laundry room, despite living here for months. I thought nothing of it, put my dogs up, and got the sticky note I keep the code on and went back downstairs to the laundry room.

He thanked me warmly and asked me to put the code in. I did and then he shoved me inside against the wall, grabbed my hands and kissed them and just kept telling me how beautiful I was. He pulled his phone out and said he wanted a picture with me, wrapped his arms around my body and put his cheek to mine. I was so stunned all I did was smile for the camera.

He took 15-20 photos as a way to prolong the moments of body contact he had with me. Eventually I said okay, I think you got a good one. When I tried to pull away he just firmly held me against the wall and started kissing my neck and exploring my body with his hands.

His hands were very sticky and smelled of marijuana and cigarettes. He went in to kiss me and I just screamed, which startled him and I ran out and upstairs as fast as I possibly could. I locked the door, grabbed my taser and put it in the bathroom with me before proceeding to take the hottest shower of my life. I still didn’t feel clean after.

I’m a fucking idiot and I almost got raped because of it. I will no longer blindly believe the good in other people when it could potentially put me in danger.

I always thought south Florida was a dangerous place for me to be, but that was moreso the drugs and booze and party lifestyle.

Washington is a different beast, because I’m a Washington 10 compared to the 6 I was in Florida. Every single male Uber driver I have had here has made me uneasy. One told me that I’m weirdly warm + different and that guys are more likely to put up with it because I’m hot. Every single one has asked me to come up and smoke a blunt.

I only go out in sweatpants and hoodies without makeup now if I’m going anywhere alone. It doesn’t seem to help.

I filed a report with my apartment complex, but there’s nothing they can do since there are no cameras in the laundry room (which he likely knew) and I can’t prove anything. This, to them, could be me trying to get him evicted because I don’t like him or his music is too loud, which are both factual things.

I move into my small little house on the first of April. Big back yard with banana trees that flourish and produce in the summer. Lots of windows for natural light. But tell me why the windows that excited me very recently only make me nervous for my safety now?

I just want to feel safe in a world where I’m not. The men here are so different. As if they’ve been denied sex their entire lives. They reek of desperation and if I don’t walk a fine line, I will get raped here.

I could have been raped the other day. And thinking about that with the stickiness of his hands in mind, I shudder.

I’ll be going over this in therapy on Tuesday. I think it’s very much needed.

I hate to pop in after so long with such a grim story, but I don’t have anyone else to talk to about it. My best friend told me I was stupid, and not to ever do anything like that which opens me up to rape again. My mother told me a variation of the same thing.

They’re right, but it just sucks. I just want love. Compassion.

Also, I got fired on Friday. I was misclassified as an independent contractor, which they don’t know I know anything about. When I got hired they assured me I was as much part of the team as anyone else and the only thing different was how I got paid.

Highly illegal. The updated law goes into effect March 11th and they don’t know I know that either. They simply told me I’m a liability as the only independent contractor on their team.

I could bury that small business if I was a vindictive woman, but I already accepted another position as a Director of Pickup and Delivery Recruiting. Instead of burying the company that fired me, I will take all the skills and processes I learned which made me the best recruiter on their staff, and I will train my own team to do exactly what I did.

My contractors loved me and trusted me. They always told me I was the only reason they stayed on service. Some I didn’t sign a non-compete due to being an independent contractor, maybe I will call them and bring them with me. This company charges only 70% of what my former company did, and they’d still have me until I trained my team sufficiently. Win/win.

Anyway. That’s all from me.

I’ll probably post a selfie after this in my usual fashion.

I hope anyone who reads this is well. ❤️

#sexual assault #sa victim #sa #tw sex assault #tw assault #battery #me too #me too movement #personal #tw: sa #actually bpd

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emilemily · 7 months

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emilemily · 7 months

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House M.D. | 4x03 97 Seconds

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emilemily · 7 months

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If I know how to do anything, it’s go way too far every single time lol

I saw Macklemore in concert last night for the first time ever in Portland and I’m telling you, I alternated between sobbing and screaming and just staring in awe

I’ve listened to that man in my bedroom for 11 years. He helped me during my sobriety, and he helps me now during my journey into no longer being sober. When he first stepped out all I could do was hold my hands up to my chin and hysterically cry

Very few people have that effect on me.

He performed one of my favorite songs ‘Starting Over’ and when it started I just couldn’t stop the tears because there I was, 3 vodka crans in listening to the song that helped me hold on so many different nights when I was craving and suffering

And then at the end he said “if you’re one day sober, I’m proud of you. If you’re coming back from a relapse, I’m proud of you, if you’re not on the road to sobriety yet but you know you need to change something IM FUCKING PROUD OF YOU”

And I just fucking lost it at that point. I lost my voice I screamed so loud.

Words can’t express how much this man means to me and has helped me though my twenties. How much his music has become a safe place for me to go to.

He put on an excellent show. The venue was very small and intimate and I’m telling you, I felt every bit of his energy there. It was an insanely spiritual experience

If you love an artist, if you really love them to the core of your soul, find a way to go see them. Even if they’re shitty tickets or otherwise, go see them. I happened to get really good ones compared to the ones I’ve gotten before for other shows and it was just chefs kiss.

Find ways to make these things happen because my soul has never felt more full and more beautiful.

Thank you, Ben for putting on a wonderful show.

#Macklemore #Portland #Oregon

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emilemily · 8 months

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