#i never see people forcing their stuff on me either
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now i’m kinda curious to hear what you think of proshipping.. if you don’t mind of course
I'll share my thoughts, and if theres anything I say that doesnt make sense feel free to point it out to me because I mostly write with the help of a translator. Under the cut because I wrote too much stuff.
TLDR: proshippers hate me because I dont want to look at glorified depictions of pedophilia/incest/etc, antis hate me because my content isnt 100% sanitized. I stay around anti circles because I find it slightly easier for me to talk about my headcanons with them even though I think they can be insufferable.
So the thing about proshipping. From what I've seen it means being "anti-harassment" and being in support of curating your online experience, which sounds great on paper and that's practically what I do. I have over 3k accounts blocked on my personal twitter to navigate the website more easily and I also dont care if someone blocks me if they dont like my stuff.
Except proshippers never consider me a proshipper because I am uncomfortable with viewing glorified depictions of topics like pedophilia, incest, rape, all that stuff. The same way people are uncomfortable with excessive blood and gore (which I also can't really handle seeing). Whether or not it's always easy to tell if it's glorified is an entirely different topic, which is precisely why I stay away from all depictions in general to avoid being intrusive.
And what's interesting is that I do not label myself an "anti". Mainly because I don't even know what the term "anti" is supposed to mean ("anti-" what exactly. Genuinely please tell me because I actually dont know) But the ones who label themselves "proship" always call me an anti, because again I do not wish to engage with content related to pedophilia etc, and that alone apparently enough to be considered "a person who harasses others over fiction" even if I mind my own business and have no interest in forcing my personal tastes on others, especially if they make it clear that they wont change their mind. Which makes me believe that for a lot of self-identified proshippers, the definition of being "proship" would be more similar to "I love fucked up stuff and if you dont then youre lame and it obviously means you can't tell the difference between fiction and reality" which honestly seems like insecurity to me.
Forgive me for bringing up this up once again but I want to mention an example to make it easier for me to explain: yknow the whole thing with me drawing Minori and Reigen and labelling it "non-cp" which caused a wave of both self-identified antis and proshippers harassing me over that (I'll say that proshippers were more bold about it since the antis harassing me were all anonymous). Proshippers saw me saying "I dont ship that" and interpreted it as me being defensive and in denial, as if I said "guys I swear Im an anti !!! please dont think im a proshipper !!! ", when I meant "I dont want to discuss this with others in a shipping manner because thats not how I see it and I dont want to enter a space Im not comfortable with"
I admit I responded to this situation in a petty manner, but this was after several days of harassment done directly in my inbox and publicly (sometimes I wish yall remembered that group chats and priv accounts exist). My point is that simply saying you don't like seeing pedophilia in fiction is enough for proshippers to believe it's justified for them to harass you over it (and I'm fully aware they'll say it's not harassment, only when antis and "puriteens" do this to them then it's harassment)
Now about the anti side. Don't get me started on them either. If proshippers see me as an enemy then this must mean that I always get along with the ones who call themselves "antis" (I do not). Note that Im only talking about adults here, I dislike beefing with children and I think their feelings about this are entirely reasonable (I'll elaborate on this when talking about internet safety)
But anyways. I think a lot of adults are discourse-brained and do way too much. Im thinking of nonsense like "this ship is problematic because they are 'sibling-coded' so thats basically incest" "siblings giving each other a hug gives me proship vibes" things of that nature. And you're not allowed to do anything that even has the smallest possibility of being interpreted as "problematic", because then they'll harass you for it, and if you clarify your intentions, they expect you to apologize for "misleading" them because clearly they didnt do anything wrong by making assumptions about you.
There's almost no room allowed for creativity with them, everyone has to follow fanon because they consider it canon, if you ever want to try something other than the same boring domestic fluff then it's "too much" (and not even platonic affection is acceptable to draw in certain cases). Which is incredibly fucking boring to me who wants to see different types of content. People even said I was enjoying incest for drawing Reigen selfcest, and that I was "making others uncomfortable" by drawing it. Genuinely seems to me that they only care about moral superiority, that they never think about anything in depth, and I dont think they realize that it also shows in what they create: boring and repeated fanart and headcanons where the only thing you can say about it is "thats cute", nothing more because you saw it ten billion times already. You cant draw two people showing platonic affection that absolutely nobody would bat an eye if it happened in real life, you cant discuss something specific in more depth without people saying you have a fetish for it, and then they'll harass you based on their speculation that it's a fetish. I dont think many realize this, but fandoms are full of autistic people, so it's normal to see people who are interested in very specific things that dont make sense to others! I wish people were less judgmental, but at the same time I dont care if people think Im weird. I think what I mean is theres no reason to mistreat weird people who do no harm to others.
So yeah if you call yourself an "anti" I'll assume youre spend too much time engaging in fandom discourse and you're the type of person to believe that fanart where two people are holding hands is the equivalent to drawing them fucking each other. Which I think is a very childish mindset to have and it's worrying that many adults think this way. I also think that as an adult they should be capable of blocking stuff they hate instead of constantly arguing with people online because at this point it's just mental torture.
The thing about internet safety I mentioned earlier, I'd say this is the one thing that I'll always prioritize discussing whenever proship discourse comes up.... To put it simply: filter and limit the visibility of your content, do not put triggering stuff in the main tags, stay in your own circles. Whether or not you believe fictional rape/pedophilia/etc is bad is irrelevant, my point is that these are objectively triggering topics and should be filtered just like how there are warnings for violence and blood even if it's not real.
"But it's the parents' responsibility to control what kids look at online, this has nothing to do with me!" and I agree with the parents being the ones Primarily responsible. However the reality is that children are online and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Kids will also enter spaces theyre not allowed in, theyre children and children are rebellious especially teenagers, I was like this as a teenager too. You'd be lying if you said you were always obedient since childhood and never did anything you were told Not to do. And you can't really expect teenagers to always block and not interact if they see something triggering. It's your responsibility to block them if they interact with you, because what I see most of the time is adults bickering with teenagers who are uncomfortable, calling them "puriteens", putting them on blast and allowing other adults including NSFW accounts to dunk on them.
Humiliating and degrading teenagers does not "teach them a lesson", it only makes the teenager more stubborn and reactive. Adults must accept that kids will always find their way in there even if your content isnt easily accessible. So I think it's stupid to feel offended at a child because they got upset when they found upsetting content like how any normal child would react. Which is why I wish more adults would keep blocking without saying anything petty to provoke teenagers.
Before someone pancake-waffles me and says "so youre fine with antis doxxing people" no I do not support doxxing. Ive been doxxed so I know it sucks. However the only times Ive seen it go this far is after continuous arguing because nobody knows when to stop. Im not saying this applies all the time nor am I saying doxxing is fine, but there are ways to minimize this sort of outcome as much as possible. Both sides have doxxed people over petty arguments that couldve easily been avoided if they just blocked each other and moved on.
The topic above (internet safety) is probably the only thing related to this where Im actively telling others what they should be doing. It's not only teenagers who are triggered by depictions of pedophilia etc but also adults like myself. In my case Im old enough to block content I dislike without saying a word, however I cant help but think that there's not enough being done about filtering especially when I do not search for this type of content and I still see it all the time.
I also think it's important for me to mention that I have a very poor sense of morality. I do not have a personal moral code that I adhere to, and I mostly stick to the basic universal ones that make sense to me. So I will not discuss the "morals" of consuming this stuff because I am not adequate to share an opinion on this, and I know the most popular topic of discussion related to proship discourse is morality which I frankly find counterproductive. I dont understand why people should care so much if I find something morally correct or not, unless it's to make themselves feel better about having a "superior opinion" to mine. Though I will say that if a man tells me he's into rape "but only in fiction!" then I dont think it will stop me of imagining myself bashing his skull repeatedly with large rocks. Maybe Im too mistrustful of men in general.
Final point I want to clarify is that I am not trying to assert some sort of superiority over people by disliking both sides, like saying "Im not an anti or a proshipper Im a Normal person" or something like that, and Im not expressing a "neutral" stance on the topic of fiction's influence on reality either. There are topics like racism and orientalism in fiction that Im vocal about (which is expected since Im Algerian). I genuinely believe there are many things that are interesting to discuss and should be prioritized, but too many people are chronically online, subjective and defensive, at this point I dont even think it's accurate to say that disliking one side automatically means you support the other side regarding fiction. To me, "proship discourse" is not about the debate of the effects of fiction on reality, censorship in media, etc. It's about everything I described earlier that happens online.
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The thing that peeves me off about people saying Alastor would never bottom because of his EGO (besides everything you said about Lucifer's ego) is that it also shows such a patriarchal-ly drenched heterosexual view of sex, that they then apply to a MLM ship that drives me INSANE.
They think Top means big, strong man domineering over the small, soft, gentle woman (the bottom) and it's like, that's such a regressive view of heterosexual sex to begin with but now you're trying to apply that to two dudes. Especially two dudes like Alastor and Lucifer, who both have massive egos and other personal hangups that would shine through during an intimate moment with the two of them.
Like, if you think Alastor wouldn't bottom cause he always wants to be in control, but you think control and manipulation can only happen as the top? That the bottom has no power or control over the act? Maybe because I'm ace, but the idea that the bottom doesn't have any control is so weird to me? I'm not even talking about power bottom dynamics either, the bottom controls so much of the act (if it's consensual) cause if they don't like something, it ain't happening.
I dunno. I think it's perfectly fine to have a preference of top or bottom, lord knows I only interact with bottom!Alastor content (I see Al as ace and generally disinterested in sex, so he'd take the position that requires the lease work (in his view)), but I think it's a whole 'nother beast to take that preference and try to force it on other people. I think the people who claim a character in an MLM (or even WLW) ship would ONLY ever top or ONLY ever bottom strictly on the idea of "control" or "ego" need to reexamine their view of sex.
Sorry if this was all over the place, I have so many thoughts and frustrations on the whole bottom!Alastor thing, due in part to the amount of people that comment stupid shit on bottom!Alastor content, but you don't see anyone saying that shit on bottom!Lucifer stuff. ugh
"...is that it also shows such a patriarchal-ly drenched heterosexual view of sex..."
THIS! This here ⬆️ That is exactly it. Everything you wrote is 🤌excellent, but this line. THIS LINE sums it up so perfectly.
Because that's exactly what it is. In almost every patriarchal, heteronormative relationship, the man is seen as the top and always portrayed as big, dominant, and strong. Wheras the women is seen as the bottom, and portrayed as soft, submissive, sweet, and--a lot of the time--naive and innocent.
I hate the patriarchal, heteronormative view's of sex as it is, but GOD, I forget how messed up it is sometimes. It is, as you said, incredibly regressive. More often then not, it creates this unhealthy, pre-established dynamic between two people (usually a man and a women) that completely disregards how they might actually feel about a relationship and what their sexual preferences for a relationship is. And anything OTHER than this pre-established dynamic is seen as "other," or "not normal."
So taking THAT and putting it onto queer relationships just ljsfnlsjgbl it makes me want to rip my hair out.
"Like, if you think Alastor wouldn't bottom cause he always wants to be in control, but you think control and manipulation can only happen as the top? That the bottom has no power or control over the act? Maybe because I'm ace, but the idea that the bottom doesn't have any control is so weird to me? I'm not even talking about power bottom dynamics either, the bottom controls so much of the act (if it's consensual) cause if they don't like something, it ain't happening."
Anon it's like you're reaching inside my brain and pulling out all of my thoughts, and I love you for it.
One of my biggest pet peeves is when people use power dynamics interchangeable with top and bottom. Those two things are not the same. Submissive and bottom are not the same thing. Dominant and top are not the same thing.
Top and bottom (and switch!) is a preferred sexual position. Submission and Dominance (BDSM) is a consensual power-exchange in a pre-determined scene between two or more people.
Someone being a top does not automatically give them more power over the bottom. Or, at least, it shouldn't. There is no agreed upon power exchange. The person topping doesn't have more control than the person bottoming, nor should they.
And I completely agree, Anon. I've always been so weirded out, and unnerved, when bottoms are portrayed as not having as much control in sexual situation than tops. It grosses me out, honestly. I find it very icky, especially when it's perceived as the norm.
"I dunno. I think it's perfectly fine to have a preference of top or bottom, lord knows I only interact with bottom!Alastor content (I see Al as ace and generally disinterested in sex, so he'd take the position that requires the lease work (in his view)), but I think it's a whole 'nother beast to take that preference and try to force it on other people. I think the people who claim a character in an MLM (or even WLW) ship would ONLY ever top or ONLY ever bottom strictly on the idea of "control" or "ego" need to reexamine their view of sex."
Not me copy-and-pasting nearly all of your ask (LMAO) but I just love the points you're making. I have no problem with people having a preference for who tops and who bottoms. Fandom is supposed to be fun, and I want people to have fun. Like you, I generally only interact with bottom!Alastor, and so, I leave top!Alastor content alone.
It's when people try to argue that certain characters can't or won't top/bottom, because of a list of stupid reasons they make up, that I start losing my patience. Especially when their basis for who tops and bottoms is judged on ego or how much of a control freak a character is. People are not that black and white. People are complex and multi-faceted.
And, I know, sometimes people just want to read smut. They want pure filth (amen to that 🙏), and enjoy having a specific character be a submissive bottom and the other a dominant top. Just don't try and push that onto other people by arguing against a dynamic that you don't like. It's weird.
Thank you for the ask, Anon. It's everything to me.
#this ENTIRE message#i want to plaster it over the fandom bulletin board for everyone to see#i have no problem with preferring who bottoms and who tops in a ship#that's not the issue#its when you start trying to force other people into what YOU like by giving a bunch of stupid reasons about#why a certain character would never EVER in their life EVER bottom/top#it's so stupid#i lose braincells#thank you for this anon#I love it and I love you#anon#asks#anonymous#bottom!Alastor#top!Lucifer#radioapple#appleradio
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Guess whose not dead?!
(This is an actual post with a character, just scroll down to the pink bow if you don't want to read this.)
I was in and out of the hospital for a long time. I'm sorry I haven't been writing, but I'm doing so much better. I've closed requests so I can catch up on the ones I currently need to do.
I also wanted to mention some of the newer works(that AREN'T being requested) that I plan to make will probably be either smut or darker stuff. It's a way for me to cope and I enjoy writing altogether.
Yandere!CEO x Fem!Reader
Morena(yan!ceo) x fem!reader
Synopsis: You're a young woman working in the tech industry, you know people(mostly men) don't take you seriously. Due to the constant stress of needing to be better (just to be considered good) you are constantly anxious and jittery, you've also developed a depressive mindset and you consistently struggle with taking your medication.
You just got a new job by a large, female owned, tech company! You thought you'd feel better and you wouldn't have to deal with a toxic environment. You were dead wrong; your boss is a bitch and expects constant perfection and no less. You were just barely able to make it under her radar, until she starts going through files- and you find yourself in her office with a deal you just aren't allowed to refuse.
Not like you can refuse a demon after all?
TW: Non-consensual kissing and physical touch, somewhat mentions future kidnapping.
The reader is kissed(while under a spell that takes away will-power from their body) and is forced to sign a contract against their wishes.
You stand quietly, with your hands in front of you- clasped together so tightly you'd think you were about to get in your knees and pray. But no, instead you were ready to beg to not be fired.
That's what this was right? You were getting fired and your horrible, asshole, bitch-faced boss wanted to say it to your face. You could cry, you almost did on the way here.
Yet as much as you wish you weren't in this situation, as much as you wish you could repent for whatever you did; you genuinely have no idea why you've been called here. You've never gotten a write up, all your reports are clean and bug free, and you work well with seemingly everyone.
You stand face forward, staring at the woman who decides wether you get to eat for the next month. The same woman who while you hate her, you can't -no you won't- deny her beauty. You-
"Hello?! Do you hear me or are you too busy pissing yourself to pay attention?"
You look down, wondering if you genuinely did pee yourself, only to see dry pants and floor. You look back up at her and she gives you the look of someone who both wants to laugh and yell(not in the good way).
You wondered if there was something who had tried to sue her for how rude she was. I'm sure there could be some sort of case, as long as there was proof. Hell, even witnesses would do.
"Sorry, ma'am. What exactly is it you called me for? Has my team done something wrong, did we miss some meeting, or did-"
She stands up, slamming her hand on the desk so loudly it echoes. You nearly jump out of your skin- was she going to hit you?!
"Be quiet. I can't handle you prattling on like a cow. I'm not firing you, nor am I firing anyone on your team. In fact, it's quite the opposite. Oh and please- call me Miss Morena. Thank you."
Oh she is definitely a condescending bitch.
You thought for a moment, 'quite the opposite'. So you aren't getting fired, hell you may be getting a raise! Maybe Morena wasn't so bad of a boss. Maybe she just likes hard workers.
"Thank you, ma- Miss Morena. If I may ask: does this mean I'm getting a promotion?"
Morena smiles, not the smile you give someone when they're right about something. The smile you give when you're a fox, and you've just cornered the bunny you've been trying to catch.
"Yes, a promotion of sorts. I actually have a contract for you, but I can give you the gist and read the rest to you later."
Morena pulls an inch thick stack of papers from the desk. She sets them aside with a pen and slowly steps out from the desk. Morena signals you to come closer, but you only take a few steps forward. You could practically feel how badly this situation was going to go.
As Morena got closer, you began to feel more compelled to make eye contact with her. Like someone was whispering into the back of you mind, telling you to look up. To look into the beautiful blue eyes that Miss Morena holds. To never look away; keep your eyes on hers.
Don't look away from me. I always get what I want and that isn't changing anytime soon, little rabbit.
"Well I've been looking over employee information and I noticed you moved from very, very many jobs before you got to this one. Never staying in one place. I never really liked people like that, and from what I've seen, people like that have done the same with my company. Now I hope -very strong word here- that someone with skills like yours wouldn't do something to this company. I hope that you'd stay, willingly of course. You would stay willingly, right?"
Of course you would, you never had any interest in leaving. You planned to stay past the one year mark, past the time where everyone would get raises in order to ensure you were getting a that this place was a good opportunity. You loved it here, you loved you teammates, your boss, you loved the office building itself.
"Of course I'm staying, Miss Morena. I would never leave."
The words coming out of your mouth felt robotic, they felt like you were lying to yourself and others. Like you were in your body, but you weren't the one speaking.
"Good girl, now go over to my desk and sign you name on all of those papers. Don't read them, you don't need to. You can put all your trust in me."
You did exactly as you were told, you signed every paper with you signature. You didn't even think, your body was moving like second nature. You had this warm feeling in your gut, this safe and controlled feeling. You like feeling like this- don't you?
You hear some shuffling behind you and yet you can't turn around to see what's going on. You only hear a voice.
"You know while your under I guess I can explain. You can't really yell at me or try to run away, so I can speak my peace. You're going to be the newest human I suck the life out of! But hey, for the next few months you'll get to live lavishly and without fear of anything. Other than me of course!"
Your brain registered what she was saying, but you couldn't respond. What were you doing to do? What could you do?
"Come here bunny."
You turn around and walk straight into Morena's arms. She gently grabs your face, you just noticed three of her fingers on her left hand have been filed down. Meanwhile the nails on her right hand, as well as her pinky and thumb on her left, are long and colorful.
Morena pulls you closer to her, her lips ghosting over your mouth. You feel her press her lips to yours and you get an overwhelming feeling of disgust wash over you. You feel nothing but utterly dirty as she kisses you, you feel like someone's just stabbed you and is trying to clean the wound to make themselves feel better about the act.
Your eyes are wide open the entire time, so you watch Morena go from kissing you deeply to pulling back in what looks to be shock. Her pupils dilate slowly, her eyes relaxing and you see nothing but black take over.
"Oh...oh you're much too sweet to kill."
Morena gently moves you head to the side pressing her tounge against your neck. You feel her shiver and watch as she pulls back with a dark smile on her face.
"I take back what I said about you enjoying these next couple of months. . . You'll get to enjoy such pleasures for the rest of your life. With me."
You let your body process her words this time, you don't know how to react. Instead you feel your eyes wet themselves, your expression hadn't even changed. And yet, you were crying. Morena notices almost immediately and you watch her face distort itself into a disdainful look of annoyance, until it twists into one of sadistic pity.
"Oh, shh, bunny. Hush now, stop those tears. I'll take the spell down once were home, in my home you wont be able to run away. So you can have a tantrum all you want there. I know you don't like me right now, you maybe even hate me, but give it some time. You'll realise you need someone, and I'm the best you'll be getting for the rest of your pathetic human life."
Everything goes black after that.
#wlw#lesbian#im bad at this#women are hot#female yandere#tw nonconsensual touching#lesbian yandere#yandere x reader#yandere#female yandere x reader#CEO!yan!Morena#yandere ceo#im not okay#im not sorry#im not dead#demon#yandere!demon
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Okay I'm not usually one to be rude but genuinely, I am BEGGING this fucking fandom to stop using entirely or primarily he/him for Seven Red Suns.
It's always he/him! Literally at least a quarter of this fandom seems to he/him them and masculinize them constantly. What gets me here is that it's never like, they/he/she and nonbinary, or they/them + neopronouns and agender, or something like that where you're just adding onto stuff while still respecting their canon gender and pronouns, gender and pronoun headcanons that aren't just the canonical nonbinary they/them are like, ALWAYS he/him or he/they and masc aligned. When people do that CONSTANTLY it's not just something you can ignore either. Because people are just constantly misgendering them.
This isn't even mentioning how despite having no canon genders, Chasing Wind/Grey Wind and Unparalleled Innocence are pretty often just stuck with binary genders... especially the latter who's most commonly just "she/her girl" to people. Now mind you there's nothing really wrong with this since they don't have established genders, but idk, like, man is it tiring to see that a lot of this fandom is just... either weird about nonbinary gender or just not really varied in common interpretations, between this and especially people just straight up misgendering Suns.
Genuinely I can't stand the "Suns being written as a he/him using boy" thing though. I'm so tired of nonbinary characters being forced into a binary box to be made more palatable or for shipping. Yeah that's right, I'm saying it; a lot of Suns being masculinized comes from the fact that their two most common monogamous ships and most common polyship are with guys and people are weird about MLM or MLM presenting ships. Not everything has to be yaoi guys I am begging you, a ship can be just as fun when one party is nonbinary. Literally begging. It doesn't need to be all masc aligned characters to be good. Please just be normal.
#to clarify this isn't targeted at anyone specific btw#I'm just so sick of everyone and their brother masculinizing suns#rain world#rain world downpour#seven red suns#rw seven red suns#chasing wind#rw chasing wind#grey wind#rw grey wind#unparalleled innocence#rw unparalleled innocence#iterator#rw iterator#rw shipping#rant post
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while we're on the topic of lore
i'm going to sit everyone down and make you all read about chongyun. i will read you storybooks, give you an outline, find comics.
you will embrace the yunyun agenda. come love him too pspspsps.
#/ ᴇᴠɪʟ ᴍᴜsᴛ ᴄᴏᴡᴇʀ ɪɴ ғᴇᴀʀ / ooc#this post is a joke#obviously i'm with everyone else in saying that i would never force my own headcanons on anyone else#but i also try not to make character specific headcanons without talking to others first#but in that same vein#be it here or on my multi#i never see people forcing their stuff on me either#i get so excited reading about how everyone portrays their muse#no matter how you spin it#lore is so freaking cool#and i love that people are so enthusiastic about it#and i especially love coming here to read headcanons#and how everyone generally writes their muse of choice#like not everyone in the fandom is perfect#but i'd like to think the majority of us here on tumblr are beautiful#keep doing you and never apologize for it <3#your personal lore is gorgeous
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someone on the bodies production team you have to release more layout/bts pictures of charles whiteman's flat please. this is a great start but i need to know him better. particularly if it's got about as much mould as a second year uni house and if he owns as many chairs as it seems LOL
#ok the joke is at his expense but im already romanticising this shit#20-something loser karl weissman moves into the worst flat of all time and makes it a home#hangs a picture of his parents' wedding against the worst wallpaper you've ever seen#just buys what he likes and calls it decor#how else can you explain the fucking model boat next to the fucking telephone. AND YOU MAY TELL ME 'oh thats just random set stuff'#NOT TO ME!#and it stays until he's in his mid 30s. develops a habit of not cleaning up along the way#the shot where he seems to have taken off his shirt/tie/jacket and then dropped them off on various pieces of furniture. HE LIVES LIKE THIS#also entertaining the idea that its his parents' old stuff that he can't bring himself to throw out ..#i will created a fully fleshed out character using 8 episodes and fever dream visions if i have to#karl weissman#bodies netflix#edit: the original tags are above but since then i joined the discord and got to add these pictures LOL#saved this post as a draft bc i was like. i cant annoy people on the tag any more than i already have#doesnt matter. forcing this into the tag like a week after i made it anyway#im still so interested in the fact that it seems like there are more rooms that we never see#outside this bedroom and living space (and the bedroom isnt clear in the show either)#like. i rly need a 360 house tour NOW.#ALSO I FEEL LIKE A TOWN CRIER NO I DONT THINK HE HAS MOULD BUT IT WOULD BE FUNNY!!!!#the chair next to the liquor rly is something. hes MY babygirl
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#ranting in the tags like a big whiny baby#reminder to myself never to cross post a story to tumblr again#getting interaction from only one person on a fic is a big oof (don't get me wrong tho I absolutely eat that interaction up)#and i hate having to tag people to have anyone see it because then I feel like i'm forcing them to read and i dont want to do that either#writing a 70k word fic over the course of 6 months and not having the fandom interact with it at all because its not x reader hurts too#the lack of interaction is a big ouchie to the pride#makes me feel like i'm stuck being a one trick pony with kit if i want anyone to be interested in my stuff#but then i also cant just write smut all day either#writing for my self just isn't all that much fun right now. I love my story but I want others to love it too.#gotta suck it up and keep on keeping on. at least AO3 readers got my back
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Yaoi has poisoned all of your fucking brains !!
#Yakuza HATEblog#i dont want to hear about the new yakuza trailer where kiryu proposed to soemone he wouldnnever do that thats so scary#also they refered to sayama as the cop lady like please show some respect to her she didnt be annoying for you to forget her#ive become homophobic now because i hated seeing a particular post so much like that will never happen you are crazy#like no this isnt how kzmj can win they have never even once considered a future together because kiryus foreplanning ended when he lost#his brother and majima has spent half her life waiting for saejima to come back like they have more important things to worry about#and kiryu is not able to share his kids with anybody he cant simultaneously raise haruka with someone he has to either be a single dad or an#absent dad no in between and sometimes haruka is left parentless in the middle of that mess but its not kiryus problem hes driving cars amd#beating people up .... well he does care sorry for insinuating he doesnt ... he thinks about his kids every day#but i guarantee you he does not think about majima every day i swear it to you he does not care about her that much !!! i have to forever#stress this doesnt mean that he hates majima but it simply means that shes not his priority AND SHE WILL NEVER BE !!! kiryu will never#risk it all just for a suckle on that majiwilly like he doesnt like her that much ... if kiryu didnt even give majima so much as a phonecall#when he was ignoring her the entirety of y3 AFTER tossing her back to the wolves just so he can play house at okinawa.. hes not going to#suddenly realise that he wants to spend the rest of his life with majima hes going to be pondering how miserable he is while beating the#fuck out of people because sorry i didnt actually pay attention to the gaiden stuff is kiryu a hitman now or some sort of mercenary either#way its so hot that hes paralleled by y0 majima because hes so depressed and wants to kill himself and forced to wear a nice suit and do#things he doesnt want to while being kept on a tight leash like hohooho ... have sex with me ...!!!#im going to kill him myself to put him out of his misery if i have to ... just let kiryu run off to america and join the cia im kidding but#wait i just thought of him actually running off and sayama pulling some strings in the force to keep people from looking for him because#shes like a bigshot cop now ... i think she should be able to cradle him gently and keep him like a show cat#a shivering wet penis in the rain and she takes him in and gives him a loving home ... i feel a little embarrassed talking about hetships#but the concept of kiryu just being in her house and living with her is making me laugh like wow ... hes straight now.... like obviously hes#still not going to be like lets get married 🥰 but sayama would want to... i believe that she could forge their documents so kiryu isnt an#illegal immigrant anymore and she gives him an american name so john yakuza can become real ... its like a fake dating au but they really#arent dating theyre just having sex and acting out scenes from a kdrama but eventually kiryu will have to go back because hes so sad#without his kids and he needs to see them one last time to pass away peacefully. sorry i just remembered how much older kiryu was than#sayama like thats a bit funny ... like i still think kiryu should be into older guys or girls but like we cant always have that happen#like how majimas options for getting fucked by creepy old guys are getting lesser year by year because those old geezers keep dying and hes#old now too ... like theyre so old thats fucked. i know ive been saying how kzmj can never win but i do think majima should breastfeed kiryu
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its so fucking hard to imagine what a future for someone like me could even look like. noone i know or have heard of is like me. being alive is already really fucking hard and exhausting but especially so when i cant even imagine a future for myself lmao
#im queer and trans but not even in the semi palatable way. im a multigender he/she with feelings and attractions noone shares or understands#im polyamorous and i dont want to marry. i dont think i want kids (definitely not the bio way) i dont even think i want to live w anyone#im not white. im arab and im muslim. im an immigrant.#none of my bio family will want to associate w me after all comes to light (minus Maybe my sister) and i dont have a found family either#theres zero people i know will be in my life for the long haul. that will care for me when im sick or even just. be around for 5+ years.#im mentally fucked and i dont know in what way. maybe cptsd or a pd or psychosis or who the fuck even knows. cant go to therapy.#i dont have any major hobbies or dream jobs or driving forces. i feel like a hollow shell most days. just kinda perform for others#im chronically fucking suicidal#how do you build a future from that#how do you find anyone to look up to#im so bitter nowadays that seeing others succeed or form close companionships either makes me feel nothing or just. vitriolic anger.#there might be people i cant share one or two points with but. but never all of them or even close to all of them.#i cant imagine a fucking future for myself. how am i supposed to keep going when i dont know what im even continuing to trudge along for#hah.#amber actually saying stuff#vent#suicide#tw suicide#suicidal ideation#tw suicidal ideation
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Now that my boss has hired a new PhD student, he literally straight up kicks me out of my office by the end of the month with no warning just so that the new girl can move into my office instead. So now I have to move into an office at the far end of the corridor whose inhabitant was at least asked if he'd be okay to move out of there into an empty office. And I'm just sitting here like ... why? Why not put the new girl into the empty office? What is this insanity?
#i practically live in this office and it's right next to that of my boss who is basically NEVER THERE so WHY#he's literally forcing two people to move out of their offices just so the new girl is right next to his own#our secretary came by today after she got the news to see how much stuff we are going to have to move around the entire institute#and she also said that she doesn't find this okay in any way. i just don't get it. i doubt the new girl is happy about this either like ???#and he didn‘t even tell me anything about this he literally just put me in cc of an email that was like ‚yeah let‘s just kick her out‘#the thing that's bugging me the most about this actually is that my office is opposite of one of my favourite people in the whole world#so we always know when the other is there and we can always hear each other coming and always just pop by to say hello#and now i'm supposed to move like a mile away from him and for what?#maybe i'm overreacting i mean it's just an office but it's MY office i've spent thousands of hours in there and he could've at least asked#ramblings
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I sometimes still catch myself thinking “Man, I just wanna die” (I know this is not true) but then I see my mother and go “No, I just wanna live without these people around me” and then I do one dig deeper and make peace with what I really mean and that’s “I have to outlive you because I fucking deserve to have a life outside of this bullshit” and yeah. Much better. It doesn’t help that both of them (grandmother and mother) like to occasionally tell us their dying scenarios. Like. Thanks. Can you like. Try to not make my desire to flee worse. Because I don’t want to wish you death but it’s like. Not going to get better if you just do this. Get help.
#d0 stuff#negative#we had an argument about the dishes again#and to all of the veterans here: yes I know this has been going on for as long as this tumblr exists#it’s just. still a problem. an unending cycle because I fucking Hate my parents’ guts and it’s actually not about the dishes or house#chores or anything like that. it’s about how they care so much about dumb things there are solutions to (not perfect maybe but not#disastrous either) and not care nearly enough about the human component. mental health? non existent. fatigue? just an excuse. permanent#debuffs? I’m making shit up. how can I suffer bc of them? that’s unheard of#circus family time#there is my fault in there and that’s letting my resentment seep so deep that#I regularly let it impact my actual house chores doing but you know#it’s like. I’ve wanted to be good for them. but they will never see me like that. the moment I showed anything weird they went on forceful#correcting instead of listening to what I had to say#they are all people caring more about reputations and facades than their own children/family members’ well-being#it’s infuriating#they are all fake#and idk. like. I could do better. I should do better I know. but it’s just goddamn hard to do things and get yelled at and then turn around#and see how they gush about my brother doing basically anything (the bare minimum after they told me to go remind him multiple times) or#how they literally take so much bs from anyone outside of the family#I swear. Some stranger’s potential opinion about them matters more than if their children feel hurt or not#anyways. this back and forth that’s been going on since my early teens is the reason I can’t just#do things for them without it feeling like a monumental task#like. I’m an acts of service person ffs. but I can’t do that. not for them#lmfao okay that’s enough whining for today#tho it’s funny how they will always be like ‘you have to control yourself no matter the situation’ and when we start arguing it’s always#them telling me to shut up (despite me keeping a calm tone) and them shooting me with literally all ammunition they can think of#fun right#and then there’s always this funny thing when they scream that I don’t even care about them do I#and that’s hilarious bc I do. Guess who literally deals with the worst of medical crises and who fucking keeps half of their energy to be#the guard dog. yeah but I don’t love you (anymore) and bc of that I’m a monster? lmao
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i used to be really into the love is what makes the world go round type posts but now that ive realized a lot of that was because i was trying to Make Up for being aspec all those posts just feel so bitter to me now
#dont come to me w that 'well not all love is romantic <3' stuff like yeah obviously#but the only people i really feel comfortable saying i love is my bio family and.. even that is really complicated#i never really know when the last straw will be. i dont feel comfortable saying my world revolves around love#when a lot of the people i said i loved and who love/loved me have hurt me deeply in ways i may not recover from#and overall with how thats tainted it for me + how i want to stop trying to Make Up for not feeling romantic love by claiming-#-love is everywhere i love my friends the kind strangers on the street yada yada etc etc#..idk. i think what makes us human is just that we are human. we would still be human even if none of us felt love#i guess i just want to be able to reclaim love without it being forced on me even from my own community#i dont want to be told love is what makes me human because then that ultimately still perpetuates the fact that#if i say i dont feel love people will start seeing me as lesser and subhuman. and thats still fucked up even if it isnt about romantic love#i *care* about my friends. i have basic compassion for the strangers around me and i help them out because its the right thing to do#it makes me feel good but it doesnt make me feel love bc to me thats either my very specific feelings towards my family#or a very abstract concept that doesnt really mean anything without any of societys pressures regarding it#mask mews#loveless aro#personal#but ok to rb
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hi i’m not really sure how to do this but i came from your uquiz and you seem knowledgeable and nice and so i’m asking you a question now i’m sorry
uhm, so, i think i maybe might be trans (ftm) because i’m super dysphoric and i sometimes look at guys and i get really jealous because they just get to, like, exist like that (i’m not really sure what the “that” is, but god, do i want it) and i very much don’t and when i refer to myself using he/him pronouns in my head it feels, uhm, at the risk of being a cliche, right, i guess.
but the thing is that i don’t really fit into any of the stereotypical trans guy things. like a lot of my friends when i was little were girls and though i have some stereotypically masculine hobbies (sports and physics) i also sew, and when i was little i was obsessed with being a princess for like a month before i started refusing to wear dresses.
i don’t think i’m non-binary, i tried using they/them pronouns this summer and while they didn’t actively hurt like she does, they didn’t really feel right.
so, like, am i lying to myself? i don’t know, maybe i just want to be special (i don’t want it, though, if i could just be happy as a girl i would).
sorry i just unloaded half an essay on you you obviously don’t have to reply and i know you’re probably not qualified to answer anyway, i just needed to tell someone, you know?
anyways, i hope you’re having a nice night or day or whatever. thank you, for, like, existing on the internet i guess. your quiz was very nice. bye.
howdy anon! dw i am always glad to answer questions abt this stuff even tho it make take me a while lol
my best advice for situations like this is i know its easy but don't let yourself get caught up in the trap of "well this is the label that makes me feel best but i dont technically check off every single box for it so am i just lying?" people arent video game quests, you dont have to hit every single box for it to count, youre allowed to have stuff fall outside the technical definition of a term while still calling yourself it. im very similar to you, i was in tap and ballet growing up, wore dresses and makeup for most of highschool, sewing crocheting knitting the whole shebang. but the important part is that none of those things make a difference to your identity. knowing how to sew doesnt make you a girl, it can just make you a guy who knows how to sew. its a thing you do, not who you are.
all that being said, i think another helpful angle to look at things is "does the distinction between two similar labels actually make a difference to me?" using myself as an example again, i dont call myself a trans man because while i do prefer presenting masculine, for some reason the term 'man' just doesnt feel right for me. but at the same time, to the rest of the world that's functionally what i am, right? so does that change /who/ i am? no. so for me personally, ive deliberately chosen not to file myself into either "trans man" or "nonbinary" and just move on with my day, because to me it doesnt actually make a difference which one i am, im still gonna stay on t, i still want top surgery, i still want to be perceived masculine, and thats not gonna change no matter what name is on the box so who gives a shit. just do what makes you happy
#also this is a side note but going back to the whole 'when i was growing up i was more feminine' angle#one thing ive found is that the more masc i get the more pressing the Need To Be Masculine becomes#so like. accepting that identities can be fluid and change over time can be very helpful imo#maybe i was a girl at one point and now im not‚ or maybe i never was‚ who cares. either way‚ im not one now‚ and thats what matters#gender is a game we were all forced to play from birth‚ youre allowed to say fuck all these rules im just gonna exist how i want#i hope this all makes sense and isnt an incoherent ramble labflsbfksbfkeb ive been having brain fog lately so i tend#to lose track of where i am when im talking sometimes#i dont think youre lying to yourself‚ i think introspection and understanding your identity are very difficult things to do#and i think like a lot of trans(?) people pre-everything youre scared that the answer will be 'yes‚ you are trans‚ and now you have to#figure out how to live in a way that feels right'#not to say nonbinary people dont have to deal w the same stuff as trans ppl obv bc Hello Thats Me ksnfkshfkek#but like. i feel like most ppl see it as 'figure out identity then work on transition goals' but like you absolutely dont have to#you can just say 'idk what i am but i know doing xyz will make me happier' and just go from there#and who knows! maybe doing so will change your understanding of yourself to the point you find picking a label far easier#or maybe it wont! you wont know till you try though#anyways hope this ramble helps have a good day osbfksbflsnls
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I was already thinking about Shadow so much today before the animation news, because I watched a Sonic Battle playthru
And just
Do you ever think about Shadow in Sonic Battle? How he says several times that he won't let tragedy repeat. Meaning, his kind of tragedy. The kind where he knows hes made to be a weapon, but doesn't know where from or why, or what his purpose is. And how he does go through with helping Emerl avoid that type of tragedy. He helps him uncover why he was made, so he can know where he came from and then choose his own purpose.
And then tragedy befalls Emerl anyway. The kind where his original destructive purpose is forced on him, and then he dies. And literally his last words are 'Shadow...should I be glad I was born...?'
Because I do, I think about this sometime and im not ok
#Sege rants#Sonic stuffs#Battle is fucked up for coming out a few days before Heroes and having a different type of characterization for Shadow#Which doesnt make sense if you place it post Heroes either#To me it makes the most sense post Shadow 05#And that placement makes me feral too because then Shadow has JUST come out of#Nearly having an original purpose he didnt even know about forced on him#No wonder his first instinct is to destroy Emerl bc he thinks of him as just a weapon and not a person#Before Sonic goes and reminds him. Hey. You were in a similar boat not too long ago and you saved the world#Also Emerl is a person. Give him a chance#And Shadow does and Emerl is someone he helps and relates to#And then this gizoid he started out thinking of as just a weapon fucking dies asking him if he should be glad he was born#Because he related to him too. He knew Shadow was made as a weapon too but is now living his own life#So logically to Emerl. Shadow would know the answer to that. And Shadow almost died once. Was he glad he was born as he fell to Earth?#Im unwell im feral about this ok#People have drawn headcanons of Sonics reaction to Gemerl#This Thing taking the form of Emerl. Almost like a zombie of him that will also never Be Emerl#Because Eggman is evil and fucked up#But not enough people think about what Shadow would think of this at least not that ive seen#And i think itd be one of those things where the emotions breach his stoic surface and you see a visible reaction#Before the anger takes over#And im just. RAAAGGHHHHH WHY WASNT SHADOW IN ADVANCE 3 RAGHHHH#Do you Understand
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being around party people when you’re not one will make you feel like the lamest piece of shit ever
#Ooh Rue no one’s forcing y— I live with them#I do not try to either be cool or uncool I just#Am not in that circle#They are lovely people but listen. They have known each other for five years#And me for 3.5 months#I cannot even try with this#I am not in that circle#But walking home when they have a party#Walking through that front door and up to my room is a walk of SHAME#and the coolest thing I could possibly have done will not make that less embarrassing#You cannot be cool when people only see you in your normal/uncool context#And you pretty much see them a lot in their cool context. It’s not fair#(Then again I’ve asked them if they wanna join me for stuff often but they’re either busy or have exams#so we’ve never hung out at my places. So I’m always the uncool one.)#I literally— today’s been a wild day. I got given a whole ass vinyl by a guy because I was cool#But I can STILL walk home an hour later and just feel like such a fucking loser#And the reason why will be that I don’t know their friends#And please please it is not their fault! They are so sweet they couldn’t be sweeter. It just is the way it is#That’s that#bit my god I think I’ll sleep before they get home today (the party’s moved out so I just got home to drink bottles)#I don’t want to do this#Either way we all move out this weekend so it’s ending#My tryst with an in crowd are over probably#Will continue living my extremely not-a-party-kid life#Are people in this world party people or non? It always just feels like I’m falling behind#But then you go online and everyone’s like ‘man I just want to watch movies and go to bed’#So what’s the truth
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there really is a cultural pressure for transmascs & men to detransition, and it comes from all sides. it comes from the queer community too, not just terfs and cishet transphobes.
it took me a while to realize why transphobic people and transandrophobic queers utterly despise trans guys & mascs who are over the age of like 25- it's because it pisses them right off that we've resisted their attempts to make us detransition. it makes them so angry to see they were unable to groom that person into a life of self-shame and repression. it really seems like MOST people believe that trans men will just detransition eventually in life? people NEVER think about older trans men, only teenage trans boys and trans men in their very early twenties.
when i was involved with my local punk scene i was addressed with condescension, almost everyone around me didn't accept transmasculinity as a legitimate identity and thought that we would've transitioned by now in life. i encountered folks who would talk about transmasculinity with subtle disgust that made me feel like i was doing something wrong, and people who expressed overt disgust, saying in plain english that they were disgusted by breasts and vaginas because they were gay men. all along the way i was literally mocked for not having a penis, and one of my roommates started treating me differently once they found out i didn't have one (because they were attracted to me)
i've been on T for 9 years, and been out as a trans man for a bit longer than that, and i noticed as i've aged i've also attracted a lot of folks who have tried to deter me from identifying as a trans man, either through directly telling me that trans men are inherently dangerous, or by implying that women or another gender are safer, quieter, calmer, "less traumatizing to be around," etc. one of my exes told me they were terrified to date me (despite literally going out of their way to do so for over half a year) because they were scared i would be transphobic to them because i'm a transmasculine lesbian.
i received pressure from online friends to either detransition and become an intersex butch woman, or to something feminine adjacent or nonbinary. for years i dealt with a few friends who kept subtly hinting that i should stop identifying as a trans man or trans masc because of how awful transmascs are- going as far as to sending me screenshots of transmascs speaking, complaining about them and calling them whiny, annoying. talking about how all transmascs are entitled, how all transmascs take things too personally, how we complain too much, and so on.
people make no effort to make space for transmascs and men. i met 0 transmascs in my local punk community that i was able to stay in contact with. none. i met a few in passing but none that actually were introduced to me in a capacity where i could actually try to befriend them. it really felt like other punks in the scene were desperately trying to keep the transmascs apart at times. excuses were made as to why i couldn't hang out with other transmascs i liked, but i was constantly being forced to befriend transphobic cis gay men and transandrophobic transfemmes who outwardly expressed hatred and disgust of us. it really felt like it was on purpose... almost as if other members of this community wanted our attention, but never wanted us to give each other attention or a sense of community. like we were objects, not people to be included in the community for real. satellite friends, if you will.
i'll be honest with you. i was at my lowest at this point. i realized i wasn't just a trans man and that i'm a genderqueer person who experiences multiple genders, including womanhood and an "other" gender, which was great. however now i was being forced to completely stuff down being a man for the sake of other people. instead of folks telling me they'd rather not hang out with transmascs, folks rather just attempted to guilt me for identifying as such in the hopes i'd stop identifying that way. i was being told daily that trans men and mascs are inherently violent and terrible to be around. i was in discord servers where transmascs were being kicked constantly for getting even slightly upset about transandrophobia, or being unfairly targeted by staff.
it's violence, but nobody wants to call it that. i pulled myself out of there and am now able to contact other transmascs and trans men who are proud of who they are and have elevated me back into a headspace where it's okay to truly be myself. just keep in mind that if you feel like you're in that situation, you're not alone. people who attempt to groom others are often very subtle it's not always up front. they will start slipping in hateful sentiments very slowly and make you feel like maybe they're the ones who are actually right.
it feels good to be an almost 32 year old trans guy. there's nothing to be ashamed about there. people project their feelings on to my gender and that has nothing to do with me. it has nothing to do with you, either. people will just project on to you for whatever reason- hatred is usually the motivator there. if you encounter folks who keep trying to badger you out of identifying as your gender, no matter who you are, transmasc, transfemme, transneutral, trans anything- they are not good for you. they are not your friends. they do not accept you as you are and you deserve so much better.
#transmasc#trans#lgbtqia#lgbtq#lgbt#queer#gay#lesbian#bisexual#genderqueer#non binary#nonbinary#enby#ftm#transmasculine#trans man#trans men#transgender#transsexual#ftm gay#trans gay#trans lesbian#transmasc lesbian#butch#butch lesbian#dyke#genderfluid#intersex#about us#our writing
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