#i love being mentally ill and so fragile and depressed shit like that fucks me up so badly but yeah
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taako rescuing lucretia frfom the depression nexus because otherwise there's no way he and lup can pull off this prank 🌶
#taako#lucretia#taz balance#stolen century#comic#negative self talk cw#referenced abuse cw#very much inspired by how badly i spiraled recently after someone i don't even know projected a ton of weird shit on me#they insulted me with the exact kind of language my family used towards me as a kid and i was like oh my abusers were right#everyone does hate me i should die there is no good in the world all other people will hurt me i will never be safe#i love being mentally ill and so fragile and depressed shit like that fucks me up so badly but yeah#i dont have any hope. it will never get better. people will always hate me and insult me and trigger me on purpose bc#im not a human to them.. rhere's nothing i can to do keep people like that away from me as long as im alive#we live in a terrible world#but at least davenport's eating that hot sauce cookie for sure now. he won't suspect a thing
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Look, your free time shit should not interfere with your job.
If you are personally vegan + you post about going meat-free, McDonald's should not be allowed to fire you. Let's get that straight.
But what happens when a person is in a position of power and can weild their personal opinions over others?
Like, say, a cop who posts about hating minorities?
Or say, a therapist who is working in a Salvation Army *shelter* who doesn't like BPD clients? And feels the need to tell people this publicly, where anyone can see it, including the very BPD people she hates? She didn't just say something confidential to a friend to vent frustrations. We ALL get frustrated with a situation. We do not all publish something like this in a public forum.
At that point, extra scrutiny might be needed because those are opinions that actually impact your job and the people who depend on you. People who are already in a fragile position, who can be destoyed on a fucking whim because someone doesn't Like your mental illness.
Look, I have severely BPD people in my life that I interact with regularly. Therapists in my area either don't treat BPD *at all* or have waiting lists several months long because BPD is SO HARD to treat!!1 incurable! ...
You know what else is basically incurable without some effort? Myopia. I'd have to pay a doctor and then pay for glasses (in the US.)
Or Celiac's. Only treatable with a totally gluten-free diet. Admittedly, my specialist doc only gave me a couple pages of black + white pamphlets on it, but at least she gave me a fucking pamphlet instead of TOTALLY dismissing me. Not only dismissing me, but also telling me that I'm personally a morally, spiritually bad abusive person for sometimes being grouchy because my main diet is bread and I'm in a lot of pain. My partner never tells me that I'm abusive when I'm having an anxiety attack because a restaurant we both loved has not only been taken from me by the betrayal of my own immune system, but it's ALSO been taken from my partner, who won't eat someplace they enjoy without me there. Because it isn't enjoyable without me there. No one tells me to "just calm down" and shit for Celiacs.
But they WILL for BPD.
THAT is why this shit is actually dangerous, especially to BPD people. Auto-rejected, labelled an abuser or like an 'abuser in waiting,' like a dangerous animal. Pair that with rejection sensitivity, paranoia, feelings of emptiness and deep lonliness... calling someone with BPD an abuser (esp w/o proof) isn't like calling someone like ME an abuser. I will laugh in your face and not care. A BPD person might circle on that in depression for months, do everything they can, even irrationally, to prove the opposite. That's why it's a *disorder.*
And frankly it's ridiculous that I've gotten helpful books + instructions from the fucking internet on how to help my BPD friends and they've done a lot of work to undo this "irreparably broken" self-image. Wonder where that image came from. They have some tools to help refocus, avoiding depressive pits or wildly out of control anger. I didn't make their lives better. They did. Just like I'd have to be responsible for my own glasses, they were responsible for finding techniques that worked for their own situations.
I figured this shit out and I barely have a shitty AA degree from a community college in *Florida.* What the fuck brands of cereal do I have to buy, for the right number of UPCs to mail in, to get MY phD?
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Hug while straddling for @purble-turble's Time Travel Red and MK?
Affection meme
31. Hugging While straddling partner
Eyyyy lmao I'm always down to talk about Red Son: Ultimate Enemy as told by @purble-turble
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There was no such thing as 'loving mental illness away'.
That was one of the very first things Qi Xiaotian had internalized when he came to the decision to make up with Red Son after his future adventure.
He wasn't exactly the picture of mental health himself, but when Red Son stumbled back into their time period, jacket chopped in half hair shorn close to his head and so obviously choking back tears, He'd instantly known whatever had happened to him had been actual hell. (Of course at first he'd forced himself to not care for how angry he'd been with Red Son after he'd told him about his parents plan and how he'd been a willing pawn in it, but that was beside the point)
So once he'd been properly brought upt to date on the exacts of the nightmare-future, and they'd started the process of looking for a therapist for Red Son, as clearly, he'd needed it, Xiaotian had taken it upon himself to do some research on his own time. it was a little difficult, he didn't want Red to find out about it until he actually had a better sense of what he should be doing, but since Red Son rarely seemed to be able to sleep anymore (even when Xiaotian could get him to lay with him in bed it was clear what little sleep he did get was rife with nightmares) and when he did sleep through the night he would wake up earlier than him, and they lived together... his most constant time for research was usually when he was technically on the clock.
But he'd gotten a couple of books about Post-traumatic stress disorder, general psychology, and 'So you've got a loved one with severe depression' (an actual title) and he'd scribble notes into the margins and on sticky notes when there was time between deliveries. And the first lesson every single one of those books had for him was just that.
You can't 'love someone out of their illness'. That's not a thing. The best you can do is love them through it.
So he did his best with that.
On some days that was just sending texts full of cute animal gifs and heart emojis, on some that was coming up to the loft on break to sit next to the lump of pillows and blankets on the bed and (after finding the telltale hint of short red hair that gave away where his head was) resting a hand on the part of the lump that was most likely an arm, gently rubbing it, and sitting in silence until his break ended.
And on some days it was this.
"It's not safe you're not safe I'm gonna slip up eventually-" Red Son's voice was fragile and warbling as his actions contradicted his words, hands scrabbling up and down his back and sides, gripping periodically for purchase before shrinking back as if afraid just hugging him back would crush him. "I'm gonna do something-"
"You won't." Xiaotian was practically seated in Red Son's lap at this point. Red had been sitting on the floor, back to the edge of the bed when the meltdown had begun, so kneeling on the ground until he was rested on his partners legs did two things:
one, it enabled him to wrap him up as tight as he could in his arms without having to twist one or both of them in an awkward angle.
and two, the extra pressure would probably help ground him, make it a little easier to come down from this one.
"You don't know that" His voice was hoarse, desperate. and Xiaotian closed his eyes and squeezed Red Son tighter.
"I do. I know you, hun." Red Son sobbed into his shoulder and he felt his hands finally decide where to be, resting across either shoulder blades and balling the fabric they found there up into fists.
"I know there's basically nothing that'll make you believe it at this point, but you're a good man, Red Son."
"I'm no-"
"Shhh, my turn to talk now." he shifted a hand to be able to bury it in Red Son's hair. He could feel him ever so minutely relax beneath him at the sensation. "You saw your potential for being a bad person, and don't forget everyone's got it. I have it, Xiaojiao has it, hell Monkey King has recorded evidence for his bad person potential, anyway, you saw yours and you've been working your ass off nonstop to keep it from ever getting the best of you.
"And this shit is fucking hard, hun. You're fighting your own brain and the actual literal future here! and guess what? it might not feel like it right now but you're winning."
Still, he shook his head against Xiaotian's shoulder. he didn't want to interrupt again, but still make his disagreement known.
"You are." He pulled away just enough to be able to properly cup Red Son's wet face in his hands. "You think that Evil King remotely hacked Jin and Yin's stupid battle robot in that illegal mech fighting ring and made it throw the match making them look like idiots in his timeline?" Red's gaze broke from his own as he thought back on the fight that broke out the week previous.
"....I suppose not-"
"You think that Evil King ever thinks for more than a second about the ethics of what evil plans he carries out let alone hours of agonizing over whether something was the right call or not?"
"Certainly not but that's not-"
"It is the point, Red. You're not the same person anymore. Maybe you started from the same roots, but he dug himself back into the ground and you rose up like a fucking tree instead."
Red Son met his gaze again, and Xiaotian could tell he still didn't believe him, but there was a spark there.
The faintest, dimmest hope.
"You are a good man, Red Son." this time he made sure every word was careful deliberate. So there was no misunderstandings that could be made. "And I am not accepting counterarguments at this time so you'd better fucking take it."
When he pulled Red Son against his chest again, and let the demon continue to cry quietly into his shirt, he pressed a small kiss to the crown of his head.
"I love you."
Red Son choked on a sob, and didn't answer.
It wasn't an issue, he knew Red Son loved him. Part of this whole thing being a thing in the first place was because Red Son loved him. Red Son wouldn't be as scared of becoming the Evil King as he was if he didn't love him so he knew better than to take to heart the days where he just couldn't say the words back.
There weren't any cures for mental illnesses. There were ways to mitigate the symptoms, but there are no spells that cure depression, there's no potion of anti-PTSD, and no person can love someone out of their illness.
But heavens above did he wish it some days.
He'd give anything to make it so Red Son wouldn't have to be in so much pain.
But all he could do was just hold him tighter, and stroke the short red tresses between his fingers until the sobbing stopped.
It took less time than usual.
Red was exhausted and pliant by the end of it and let Xiaotian drag him about the loft, obediently (if slowly) eating what was pressed into his hands and then nursing the mug of tea he was given as they settled down on the mound of cushions and he put on that 'how things are made' show that Red Son liked.
He was asleep halfway through the second episode.
Sure, some days were harder than others, and sure, some days he'd wish there was a cure just to spare Red the suffering.
But he felt Red Son's head slowly loll to the side until it rested on his shoulder, breathing slow and even and looking for the first time today like he was at peace and-
He still wouldn't trade it for anything.
"Love You, Hun."
Red Son hummed against him.
--
Send me stuff!
#purble turble#Time travel Au#spicynoodleshipping#affection meme#lmk#Lego monkie kid#Qi Xiaotian#lmk Red Son#letters to vega#vega writes stories too
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Okay so I just watched the first Frozen movie with my youngest sister because we’re both home sick? And. We STAN this whole thing being a mental health allegory???
Like, this movie is deeply relatable and like, resonant? To me. Specifically. Both of my younger sisters can attest to how scary and mean I was before I got help, and the sister closest to me in age (actually, the sister who has the same age gap with me that Anna has with Elsa) DEEPLY relates to Anna’s struggle to reach her older sister.
But what I actually want to talk about is the symbolism. Below the cut. This will literally destroy your dash, be warned.
Elsa’s ice powers represent something about herself - about her MIND - she feels the need to repress. That could be any number of things. Neurodivergence, emotion in general, maybe a personality disorder. Elsa doesn’t necessarily HAVE any of these things. The point is that the viewers might, and whatever this unnamed thing is, it can be both beautiful and harmful.
Her parents don’t understand, and unwittingly teach Elsa to be afraid of herself.
As a result, Elsa starts to LOSE CONTROL OF HER POWERS. By teaching Elsa that this thing about her is something to be repressed, she becomes less and less able to ACTUALLY control them.
This increases her sense of isolation from other people, and she develops MAJOR anxiety and depression as a result. I mean, just look at the separation anxiety she felt when her parents had to leave.
“Do you have to go?”
Elsa is 18 here - terrified of herself and completely reliant on her parents to protect her and everyone around her from her powers.
ALRIGHT let’s skip the boring stuff
Blah blah blah, Anna’s lonely too, she needs love, falls in love too quickly, is desparate to marry Hans because she thinks this is the only day she’ll be able to form actual connections with other people...
All that stuff is really important, but what I want to talk about is the frozen kingdom that Elsa creates.
Overcome by feelings of freedom and joy, Elsa finally begins to regain control of the creative part of her powers, and one of the first things she creates is Olaf.
For everyone’s annoyance at Let It Go, it’s actually an amazing sequence and I relate to it a lot.
But what I find to be a BETTER reflection of the journey through Elsa’s psyche is Anna and Kristoff’s journey up the North Mountain.
I say “Journey,” but there’s really only three environments I want to talk about.
This is where Kristoff and Anna meet Olaf - a frozen wonderland of weeping willows. As they walk through it, Anna says “I never knew that Winter could be so beautiful.”
That line got me. Anna doesn’t actually know her sister. She likes a version of Elsa that exists in her head - a 13-year-old altered memory of a perfect older sister. But Elsa isn’t the warm fuzzy friend that Anna idealizes - she’s always been dignified, composed, and wonderfully creative - loving, yes, but in a cool kind of way. Anna expects Elsa to be a goofy playmate, and writes off the “wintery” parts of her as something bad, just like Elsa does. But walking through this wonderland, she sees a different aspect of the same Elsa - the good parts of the REAL Elsa. And THIS, fittingly, is where she meets Olaf.
Now something I noticed this time around is that during this scene, Olaf consistently looks towards Anna.
“I like warm hugs,” he says, turning to her, and he asks her for her name first.
He then relies on ANNA to tell him the names of Kristoff and Sven.
Elsa made Olaf for Anna. And because of this, Olaf is the EMBODIMENT of Elsa’s childhood love for her sister.
This is why he always goes back to Anna. This is why it didn’t count as an act of true love when Olaf was willing to melt for her, and why he is able to tell Anna what love is. Olaf’s love for Anna is Elsa’s love for Anna. Olaf IS love.
“Some people are worth melting for.”
Olaf loves summer. Thawing. Melting things. And it’s because, as we learn later in the movie, LOVE is the secret to melting Elsa’s ice, and breaking down her barriers.
Right okay back to environments.
The NEXT icy place they come across is THIS bitch
A hillside full of icy spikes that point towards whoever approaches. Another wall between Elsa and the people trying to reach her. Elsa consistently uses outward-pointing spikes to keep other people away.
Finally, they reach the CENTER of Elsa’s psyche: a palace made of ice.
Elsa’s ice palace is the culmination of Elsa’s creative powers, a reflection of her own mind.
But what’s really, REALLY interesting, is that like ice, it’s reflective. And after her conversation with Anna, the castle starts to change.
Immediately after hurting Anna, darkness spreads rapidly down the castle walls. The darkness is reminiscent of the fragile “dark ice” like the kind you would find on a fragile frozen pond. The ice is becoming less stable.
And later, when we see Elsa trying to regain control of herself, the color of the walls has changed completely to reflect her fear.
The spikes reappear, this time pointing inward - towards HERSELF.
Elsa’s mind is no longer a safe place for Elsa herself to be - and holy SHIT do I relate.
The last thing I want to talk about is the blizzard at the end of the movie.
Elsa is back in Arendelle, the very place she’s been trying to avoid the whole movie - the place she’s afraid of destroying with her powers. The whiteout is Elsa’s terror, furious and opaque. It’s BLINDING, not only to herself, but to everyone around her.
But the second Hans tells Elsa that Anna is dead
Everything Stops.
The wind stops, the storm receeds, snowflakes freeze in thin air. The world stops moving. Elsa stops feeling.
Hans drew his sword pretty loudly. But Elsa doesn’t care. She believes herself to be a monster, and no longer cares if she lives or dies.
This is basically the end of what I want to talk about, but I can’t exactly leave it here, so.
Anna saves Elsa, sacrificing herself in the truest form of love.
She does the Big Freezy thing and turns into an epic ice sculpture, which Elsa then wraps in what is likely the world’s most uncomfortable hug.
And then, starting from the heart first, Anna unfreezes.
The secret to Elsa’s powers is revealed to be love, not fear. And, sealing my love for Elsa with a fucking kiss, Elsa IMMEDIATELY latches on. She’s been searching for an answer for this for her entire life, and is able to apply the one she finds INSTANTLY. She lets her love for Arendelle and everyone around her reshape her mind into a place of safety and wonder.
Everyone lives happily ever after, my sister cries, I nod stoically because I’m almost incapable of genuine emotion, Elsa is the most relatable Disney Princess and I adore her forever.
I know that none of this is a hot take but I really wanted to ramble about it anyway. This is a really good movie. Friendly reminder that just because something is mainstream doesn’t mean that it sucks. One time I was talking about how much I related to Elsa and Dad said that I was “a demographic.” Like. Okay? What’s the fucking issue with that? So Disney created a story that can resonate with a wide group of people, what’s the shame in being one of the people it touches? The real issue here is that so many young people can relate to repression and mental illness, like, what the fuck?
Anyway, thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. Join me next time (never) while I talk about the equally relatable Frozen Two’s arc of delving deeper into the knowledge of what you’ve repressed, Elsa’s obvious aromanticism, and the fact that the Trolls are evil masterminds who have deeply wronged both of the first movie’s male protagonists.
#karkles stop#disney frozen#frozen#frozen elsa#elsa analysis#frozen analysis#just saying stuff that's been said before#don't mind me
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I feel like talking about the shit Zelda not only had to put up with but also what she subconsciously summoned herself and you're going to sit and listen and maybe cry with me okay? Okay.
While I don't think that was very cash-money of 'Hylia' to make Zelda wait until she's reached true, unrelenting despair to finally find her light, it made me wonder how everything came into play that made her journey so painstakingly hard, and not just Hylia pulling fast ones from the clouds. (Trust me I wanted to blame the goddess so bad after that moving performance at the spring of power but wait!! there's more!)
Things I'm looking at are specifically Zelda's anxieties of wanting to be a scholar but having to throw herself to the dogs of religion to keep Rhoam happy, the HEAVY depression she carries with not just from the loss of her mother but also just constantly being berated by her father and feeling like she's not good enough for Hylia, the jealousy and anger she harbors towards Link in their beginnings and how it effects her growth.
All of these are things (coming from someone who is very mentally ill) are ingredients that distract Zelda from her goals, intentional or not.
Zelda has a classic case of "I wanna do This Thing (studying, traveling) but I have to do That Thing (religion, strict orders) instead and now the fun is sucked out of it and my mind is buzzing and now I don't know what to do girl (hylia) HELP"
What's even worse is despite her hand-picked maturity, she KNOWS what is right and what she needs to do (her level of self awareness is impeccable sometimes) but she is still just a child in the end, wanting to live her life without dictation, which causes frustration and anger and can lead to self-doubts.
Starting with the loss of her mother, Rhoam claims that Zelda did not cry at all during the ceremony, and that it proved to him he could still be a strong king with how unwavering his daughter was. And although that's shown as an "awe inspiring" moment, it shows Rhoam does not understand how the processing of grief registers differently amongst people, especially children. She may have not showed it when she was, what, 6? (Not every normal 6 year old understands the fragility of mortality) but you can definitely see it affects her later on as Zelda grows older. It may not be entirely visible at first, but the way they portray it in HWAoC (I know its not entirely canon but bare with me on this) she longs for her mother's advice and comfort when her pleas and ideas fall deaf on the king's ears. Her mother seemed to be a very wise and compassionate queen, where Rhoam is a wise and a very bite-the-bullet king.
When stakes are high he trusts what he thinks needs to be done, and he enforces Zelda to finish her training Because she is part of his plan to push back the calamity. He knows protocol, and there's no room for creative thinking when the land of Hyrule is in danger. (Disclaimer: I hate Rhoam but I can also try to see what Nintendo was doing. He's not intentionally mean, he's an assertive dad that wants to see his daughter succeed (and also hella depressed) but he's really fucking bad at it and comes off as a dickhead. He is the embodiment of a boomer that does things the old fashioned way to get things done).
But all of this pressure he is putting on her, taking away things that make her happy so they don't distract her from her duty, shooting down her ideas because he wouldn't know how to even approach it from his standpoint, it really does a number on Zelda and really births her insecurities.
No matter how hard she prays and dedicates herself to Hylia, it doesn't work. Her mind is distracted, filled with fear and very little hope that the magic isn't Working. What even kicks me in the jaw more is that she's putting all of her effort into these prayers, and it's not even her wish she's making. It's Rhoam's wish. Her Ancestral Family's wish. That's why it hasn't sparked. She's praying on the behalf of her father and ancestors and not herself because she firmly believes there's other ways to settle the score. Zelda knows the importance of her role but its just not clicking when someone else is forcing you to do it. It just doesn't work like that.
Moving onto her liaison with Link, she is, well, in the beginning very irritated with him. Even a little bit after being chosen by Fi. But I don't think she MEANS to be angry at Link, he didn't do anything wrong in all honesty. She shouldn't take out her anger on him, but she's jealous, and he exists...so like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
When Link is suddenly chosen by the sword at a drop of a hat?? Yeah she's relieved, but there's also undertones of resentment. All of her Champions are here at the ready and she's still trying to figure out what shoe goes on first. She is the goddamn Princess of Hyrule, one who carries the blood of Hylia in her veins, and this random tiny knight who, mind you, fought tooth and nail to be her escort ends up finding his role before her? She is riding the struggle mule up Mount Lanayru (and I don't really blame her). And when she's exploring the shrines?? She makes it very clear to him she can work independently and does not need an escort, which although understood (freedom is a peace everyone strives for) she is careless regardless of her careful planning and efforts. She's a Princess, wandering Hyrule unarmed (and without her powers) with a horse as her only mode of transportation. You won't see yourself as a target even if they're pinned on your back, and with her determination to utilize these mysterious shrines as more Sheikah tech is being discovered is making her blind in remembering where she's placed in social status. It's dangerous, and I'm glad Link is there to see what she fails to see.
That's another thing too. As they progress and strengthen their friendship, Zelda sees Link as a mirror to question what her role really means. She uses him as guidance to help understand her situation, asking him "If you were told your whole life This is what you're meant to do, to take up your family's legacy...but one day realize this isn't what you want, would you still take the path you've been told to take?" In this case I think it's safe to say this is what Link knew he wanted. He loves being an aid to those in need, and becoming a knight despite following his father's path, this felt like his true calling. The spirit of the hero is VERY strong in his soul, and when he sees someone in need of help [Zelda] he's going to aid them whether they want it or not.
But Zelda still feels so lost, she feels so disconnected from her ancestors, as the previous daughters in the royal families were Given their powers at birth and meant to be awakened when the time has come. They were all given the gift of premonition, to be a medium for Hylia and a messenger of the gods, and overall able to keep Ganon away from the world no matter how many times he crawls back from the depths of hell. Being told your whole life you're meant to be like your ancestors, but not being able to fulfill any of those roles? It makes the past seem like one giant fairy tale when in you're in BotW Zelda's shoes.
No voices, no premonitions, no secret awakenings...Nothing.
At this moment, I finally understood why Urbosa said to Revali about Link. She said he is a constant reminder of Zelda's own failures. Link found his calling by following his instinct. Zelda has yet to figure out what she really wants, and is clouded by judgements not only from her father and people, but from herself too. With every passing day she is undergoing a meltdown, questioning if she is even meant to be apart of this whole plan anymore, probably something among the lines of "Was it meant to be someone else? I'm the only daughter, and yet I can't even do my one job." She lost everyone and everything, she's frightened, it feels like she's lost her faith in the gods, or even dare say, the gods lost faith in her.
But through absolute despair when Link just about gives his life for her protection, that's when it all clicked. She found her power and strength through Link, who was the one that, all this time, taught her about what she needed to do to awaken her powers without even directly telling her. Every conversation she had with him, she saw herself in Link. She saw all the effort he gave into becoming a royal knight, the unwavering determination in his eyes with every Lynel he slew, a never ending supply of optimism and hope no matter how high the stakes were. And yet he was also Free. He followed his path blindly, not even knowing where he'd end up, as long as he knew he was
able to protect those in need. And she wanted that.
He was her mirror, and Zelda managed to awaken herself when that mirror cracked.
Living the burden of being part of a prophecy and saying you're ready for anything, is very reckless. Understanding the heaviness that comes with sacrifice is not truly understood until it starts happening to you.
Zelda found her wish, her independence through Link. Her mind is finally clear and she understands what her role means in all of this.
She is meant to protect, to save, to understand more than just personal loss.
Zelda couldn't stand by idly anymore after everyone told her to do something else and let others handle the job. That was the last straw when Link stood in front of her, shield weak but at the ready when that guardian approached. She saw the desperation and said NO, which finally broke her seal. She chose to sacrifice herself, igniting her powers just as Hylia did for her people. She chose to save her last, literally dying hope, because Ganon cannot be fought alone.
He was the connection, the literal link, she needed to awaken her powers. And I just find that so fucking great.
Anyways thanks for coming to my TED talk I've been typing this for like 4 hours now
#hHGDFJDF SORRY THIS IS SO LONG#dont tag as zelink pls i tried keeping this ambiguous as possible thank#the legend of zelda#botw#aoc spoilers#sorta#cat talks#also my thoughts are flying faster than my fingers#so this might skip and jump around#my adhd welcomes you
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Uh random thoughts while listening to my favorited audios on tiktok
Yumikage: you're not even married you don't even have a girlfriend
Shuuhei: why would I want a woman in my life?
Kuro to all of his siblings: I'd never thought I'd have to say this but there's only space in this family for ONE unstable sibling and I have held that title for a very long time SO YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE TO GET IT TOGETHER-
Kuro: there's a spider
Mahiru: SO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO?
Kuro: KILL IT
Mahiru: YOU SAW IT FIRST YOU KILL IT
Kuro: YOU'RE THE MAN
Mahiru: since when?
Hyde singing: I feel like fucking something
Hyde: *lowers down the music*
Hyde to Licht: that something is you bitch
Hyde: I know you're a little slow but imma need you to get the hint
Licht: ....
Kuro trying not to laugh: ooooo I'm mentally ill
Kuro: *starts laughing*
Hyde: what you know about rolling in the deep enddd.... I have.. I have depression-
Mikuni: JeJe.. Wake up JeJe COME ON JEJE we've got to hide the body! there's no blood in prison JeJe now come on
JeJe: ....
Mikuni: who will they believe? A man or his snake? They don't allow snakes in prison JeJe they'll put you down now come on!
JeJe: I'm immortal-
Kuro: there's nothing I hate more then being the center of attention
Kuro in his cat form surrounded by girls in Mahirus class: and yet here I am all eyes on me
Kuro: so what do I do now..
Kuro: aside from eat the food they offer me
Kuro: why is everyone hitting me so softly today!?
Inner Kuro: QUIT THE HITTING AND FINISH THE JOB
Sakuya holding one of Tsubakis katanas: you see this? This is real steel
Sakuya: I can actually kill myself in style-
Tsubaki: SAKUYA NO-
Licht: we've been together for 9 months-
Hyde: 10 months
Licht: 9 months
Hyde: 10 MONTHS
Licht: 9 MONTHS
Hyde: 10 M O N T H S
Gear about Kuro and Mahiru: 2 bros chilling in a hot tub 5 feet apart cause they're not gay
Gear: ..... They were in fact raging homosexuals
Kuro: .....
Gear in japan looking for Kuro: oh Gear you've done it again you brought a bitch home and you forgot you're gay
Cappuccino: why is there a pig in the front of a 7/11? That's a pig-
Ildio: ......
Sakuya tapping Mahiru: hey hey wake up
Mahiru: huh?
Sakuya: I just murdered your entire family
Mahiru but- but I live alone? (kinda)
Kuro: *asleep next to Mahiru*
Sakuya: huh? Then who are these people in your house?
Mahiru: there's people in my house?!
Sakuya: WELL NOT ANYMORE... DUMB BITCH.. YOU COULD HAVE DIED.. YOUR WELCOME
Gear to Kuro: I really don't care that you're immortal I'll snap your neck like a twig
Hyde or Tsubaki: HEY BITCHES AND BROS AND NON BINARY HOES
All the Servamps except Kuro: what's more important? Mahiru or us?
Kuro: Mahiru
Hyde: man he didn't even think about it
Literally anyone who just got into Servamp: my god... These bitches gay... Good for them... Good for them...
Kuro: are you mocking me again?
Inner Kuro: oh nononono no-n-no KURO LOOK MAHIRU
Kuro: *turns around*
Inner Kuro: *starts laughing*
Kuro:.... I hate you
Hyde: USE YOUR MUSCLES THAT YOU WORKED SO HARD FOR!
Kuro: he stopped working out last week. He's weak.
Hyde: WHY'D YOU STOP WORKING OUT?
Lily: I WAS SAD!
Inner Kuro: and then I'm gonna eat your boyfriendddd
Mahiru: NO! NO! YOU WILL NOT EAT MY BOYFRIEND
Hugh about Licht and Hyde: IT WAS GAY! WHY SHOULD I HAVE TO APOLOGIZE?! I SAW GAY SO I SAID GAY! THAT AIN'T BULLYING THAT'S ASTUTE OBSERVATION
Licht looking at Shuuhei: what's with the parasol?
Ildio: precious doesn't wanna get a tan he's delicate
(LOOK I JUST REALLY WANTED TO ADD THIS ONE OK-)
Lily: I think this is affecting me mentallyyyy
Lily: like long term shit is gonna FUCK ME UPPP
Lily: I hate myself~ I hate myself~
Tsubaki about literally everyone else: stick around my the smell of queer is hurting my nose
Sakuya: you're literally no exception
Sakuya: what in the fuck knuckles is this
Misono: *holding Lily's hand* he's my boyfriend you intolerant shit
Sakuya: woah pump the hate breaks fox and friends I'm just surprised anyone would date you especially Pinky pie from my little pony
Shuuhei: and that's why before you eat anything you should ask someone you love if it's ok
Ildio: ok! I love you can I eat the guitar?
Shuuhei: N o-
Ildio: aw-
Toru: hi it's me I'm not dead! Which is an awful surprise considering how many people wrote MY OBITUARY YESTERDAY PREEMPTIVELY IN CASE I DID DIE but I didn't
Hyde during that one meeting: bitch do you want me to jump across this table BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ALL DAY FOR THIS OK?
Kuro: feeling froggy? Leap.
Hyde: ok well here I come *getting on the table*
Ildio grabbing Hyde: Hey!
Lily trying to help stop Hyde: no no no-
Hyde: UH UH UH UH NO LET ME.
Ildio: OK
Hyde: you better tell this bitch who I am.
Kuro: you have exactly 3 seconds to explain why you just woke me up
Hyde: because it's morning and you should be up
Kuro: huh I didn't know you wanted to die today
Hyde: Kuro you can't kill me
Kuro: it's too late I've already decided how
Me reading that one chapter in volume 11: hmmmm this is definitely fruity
Kuro: imagine being like gay or something like that
Mahiru laying next to him: Kuro we've been together for like 8 months
Kuro: ok but that's not like gay gay y'know?
Mahiru: Kuro you're literally a bottom
Kuro: ... That's not gay gay tho-
Hyde: we're here for the cult stuff
Licht: fuck you fire man
Tsurugi: ROCK AND ROLL BUCKAROO
Mikuni: you want me off this bridge you're gonna have to kill me
Licht to Hyde: scratch my heart you demon fuck
Licht: d e m o n
Ildio: you wanna eat Lilys heart?
Lily: NO-
Licht: the demon's a whimp
Hyde: he's lost his mind-
Lily: *crying*
Yuri and Mary with something in their hands: will these help you stop crying?
Lily: what are they?
Yuri and Mary: rocks!
Lily: they're rocks?
Lily hugging them both still somewhat crying: thank you!
Misono: if I went missing for like a week do you think you'd be alarmed?
Tetsu: I think so
Misono: oh that's nice I didn't think you'd be alarmed
Tetsu: you're my friend!
Misono: I don't like how you said that-
Tetsu: YOU'RE MY FRIEND
Misono: why are you yelling "you're my friend!" !?
Tetsu: YOU'RE MY FRIEND
Misono: I'm 147 pounds of pale skin and fragile bone ok sarcasm is my only defense
Sakuya: you called the police before you called me?
Mahiru: I'm supposed to call first when they find a dead body?
Sakuya: Y E S
Nicco: wdym no?
Ildio: I mean no you wanna hear it in Spanish? "No"
That's all I got for rn
I might make a part 2
It was really fun to make tho!
(Sorry for any grammer mistakes)
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Why do we pick people who treat us like we are nothing? Why do we accept the love we think we deserve? Why do we have to be broken and damaged? Why do we have to be misunderstood? Why do we have to be this way? Because it’s the only way we know how to live.
Getting treated like a worthless piece of trash. Getting bullied. Verbal abuse. Mental abuse. Physical abuse. Fuck it all. Because none of it fucking matters. None of it will make a fucking difference. We have to treat our pain like dirt. Brush it off and keep going. Or fucking forget about it and barely make it out alive. Because we are too young to die? We all live in suicide.
The brain is a powerful tool that blocks out what we can’t handle until we are ready. That’s fucking painful. But when you finally remember those moments… you’re numb because it is a routine now. And you’ve been through worse.
Everyday is a living battle. Trying to stay alive and not die when everything is a fucking killing machine but we can’t be wrapped in bubble wrap forever. Addiction. Depression. Anxiety. Bi-polar. Chronic illness. Anger management. And so much more.
We were fucking made this way without a fucking choice. But that’s our fault. Our parents fault because someone has to be blamed right? And it’s also my fault right? Because I let it happen. Nah. Fuck that. I didn’t ask for that. But I did what I thought was best to get out of it and now I have to live with it.
You got it bad? Try being the most fragile thing you can think of and then put it in a box. Punch it. Kick it around. Sit on the box. Do whatever you want to the box.
Your fragile item in the box is now in fragments. Some are so microscopically tiny that they are missed. But who cares right? Glue it back together and give it a brand new box but still nothing to help protect itself and send it on its way. Because that has become okay in the world we live in.
Fucked up right? Nah. That is the beauty of it. It’s beautiful because we made it through. It is beautiful because we didn’t think we would live through it and somehow we fucking did. You’re alive. But never the same again.
This goes on a repeated cycle until you’re in the ground or turned into ash. Maybe you don’t even get that lucky or get that privilege and just die right where you were left. You continue to get picked at and ignored.
Then the world now pretends it cares and people will grieve how they see fit and you can do everything you want to leave a legacy behind but trust me someone will come along and destroy it beyond belief.
Sooner or later. It’s like you never existed. You were never made. You never walked the sidewalks. You never lived on the streets. You never grew up and saw everything fall apart and wither away like ambers from a fire. We were never here.
But we fought hard here. We lived through more wars and inner battles on our own than anyone ever did that we were forced to learn about in our textbooks. Our history. But we fought hard here. We fucking won. We made it through. We made a difference. Not because the world cared but because we cared. Our pain bled out. We ran out. But we absorbed it and became stronger.
The world seemed like it never had fucking enough of tearing us down. Tearing me down. But I did. I fought tooth and nail to get to where I am. You didn’t do it for me and no one ever knew because guess what? We all do this. Everyday. It is never completely over.
Some have it worse than others. So we want to help them and prevent this from happening to anyone else. But do we get those resources? No. Because everyone's story is different and people feel like they don’t need to hear that shit like it’s a goddamn sob story.
I fought hard here. I bled out here. I stood back up ready to end it all. I kept going. Fight after fight. War after war. Battle after battle until my body couldn’t do it anymore. But I made it. It’s the way I have been living and the way we all live but we fucking made it. We have come this far and should continue to move forward.
But know..it’s okay now to ask for help. It’s okay to have these issues. It’s become more safe but it is not completely safe. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to cry over spilled milk. It’s okay to let it out at any time. It’s okay to leave a trail of blood behind every step. Because it does matter. Because you matter. Because WE matter.
It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let it out. It’s okay to fail but keep trying. It’s okay to succeed and not feel shame. It’s okay to be whoever you are meant to be. However, if you put me there please, whatever you do, don’t come back to me. Let me grieve your loss even though you are alive. Because I’m okay. And I’m not ashamed of who I have become. I matter and I am me. It’s okay to be clean.
It used to not be okay because no one cared. And it’s not that no one cared but they weren’t informed. This used to be the greatest country in the world because people were informed. And that died out. Doesn’t mean people stopped getting the information they needed to help us.
You can put the knife down. You can hand the empty yet spilled pills over. I can hide the needles and vials. I can pitch a tent and lay there in your blood with you. Because if I made it out so can you.
You get the help! You transition into someone new! You take the steps and then that is all you are seen as. You are a bed ridden disease who is dying on the inside but yet healthy in every other way.
If that is not your story, then you are the victim. You play the victim. You act like a victim. Pity parties and shame get beneath your skin and begin to boil you from the inside out until your skin falls off and the true wounds are revealed.
Maybe you are the antagonist who puts people in these types of situations because that is who you are. Which is not okay but it’s the only life you have known and it's all you have been shown. You’re cold. Haunted. Lonely and an abusive piece of shit in every way. Waste of human skin? No. just beyond repair. Maybe not. But the world will never know because instead of putting yourself out there. You are destroying the simplest pleasures of life to protect yourself which is ruining opportunity after opportunity. You are destined for more but not this way. Not like this.
Maybe you are none of these things. Maybe you are all of them. Maybe we still don't know who we are. Take in more abuse. Down more bottles. Always high and never sober. Maybe we have all been in every position pointed out here. Maybe we are trying to rise above the hell we live and love in.
From your ashes into your foundation. Your bones. Build yourself from absolutely nothing. Gather your ashes slowly. Build each individual bone. When you have all the pieces, build your skeleton but don’t put it in the closet. Keep going. Find things that make you want to be better or to just live. Shape yourself into who you want to be, not what you are expected to be.
And be done with it.
Leave your past behind but don’t forget the pain and struggles and obstacles you had to get over to be here today. Because fuck it was hard but you’re still standing on your own two feet.
Maybe you don’t have anything inside so when the next act of life comes and hits you when you least expect it. Maybe this time you bleed less. Or not at all. It gets easier because you are growing and learning, sure but you’re becoming more numb.
Build some walls if you have to but don’t forget how to love deeply. Hide your past if you feel you need to but don’t ever be ashamed of it. Be closed off, fine, but please let someone, anyone, love you for who you are. Inside and out. Past and present. Build not a better future because that is easier said than done. But make each day better than the last.
We all have fears and things that can drop us to our knees. People who are walking the earth can even destroy us. Forget about everything bad that can happen because there is no stopping it. But you can better prepare for it. And how you may ask?
Wearing your body out so hard just so you can make ends meet. Busting your ass to just be able to survive in this world. Which makes it all worse. It makes the bad days really bad. And the good days are a miracle. And you can’t stay there forever which makes me sad.
Here we are back to the inner battles of being fucked up. Being damaged. Broken. Beyond repair. But it does get easier. It does get better and like death. It hurts a little less everyday and there will be days where you barely make it out alive but you will and the world will be waiting for you whenever you are ready. The fight isn’t completely over. The hard part isn’t over. The days are not over. Your time here is not over. And from the bottom of my heart everything will be okay.
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Fam I needed to just write something to restart my brain and jumpstart some shit so
Just yeah you can ignore this fic if you’d like but I’d say still maybe give it a read because I don’t even know what I’m doing it’s 6am and I was brainstorming and got this
Angst btw, haven’t done that in a while
Okay but before that look at my baby though like he’s so perfect and precious and I love him sm🥺 so let’s make him suffer more on my blog hm🥰
Proud// Tsukishima Kei x Reader
Word count: 1.6k+
Warnings: Depression, self hatred, self harm, dead reader
Summary: I honestly don’t know at this point I just wrote down everything I could think of
All that clouded his mind were thoughts of disappearing. Staring mindlessly over the school’s rooftop, he felt a sense of euphoria. Maybe it was just his suicidal tendencies, or maybe it was more, but at that very moment, Tsukishima was imagining how it would feel to jump right off. It didn’t matter, really, did it? People took it as a joke. They took his attempts as a joke. “You’re just being overdramatic,” they’d say. “There’s no way you’d ever do that.” “Stop chasing attention.” Even with cuts on his bare skin, nobody reached out. “You wanna die? I’ll buy you pills later, yeah?” Well, yes, he did want to die, but the team never realised he was serious about it. Nobody ever realised he was serious about it. High schoolers took mental illness as a joke anyways. A twisted, disgusting, horrid joke that Tsukishima could do nothing about but smile and laugh along in order to hide his pain.
Except you.
He still remembers the way you would smile at him. God, you were the only one that would do that. How you sat with him in an empty classroom every single day, rubbing circles into his back as you told him everything would be okay. All those library weekends and study dates together, and not once did you ever complain about his need to rant. You were there to listen to him when no one was, yet all good things had to end. You were gone, and he wasn’t sure what to make of your death. It hurt. Everything hurt. His mind wasn’t stable enough to process it.
It was when you finally gave your last breath in that stupid, stupid hospital ward, did he realise how much he needed you. All the times he’s stopped himself from overdosing were because of you. He knew how devastated you would be if one day you woke up to the death of him on the news. You’ve done so much for him, he would never let himself cause you pain. Never. Yet now, he was back to square one. He was alone again. He was left on his own to fight through this dull, torturous, cruel world. He had to push on with his life, yet there was no one here to push on for. His one reason for living was gone.
The rooftop was quite chilly. Wind blew across Tsukishima’s, as if it was slapping him across the face. Did he look good at that moment? Tucking his shirt back in properly, he grabbed a jumper from his bag, pulling that over himself. If he was going to mourn, might as well mourn looking at least decent. He didn’t remember the wind being this cold. Was it always this cold? “Hey (Y/n), do you need a sweater...” He turned around, expecting to face you, when another gush of wind sliced across his cheeks. This was going to take a while to get used to. He used to let you wear his sweaters when it got chilly like this. You would always pull the sleeves over your hands to make sweater paws, the one thing that never failed to make Tsukishima smile stupidly. The extra sweater he habitually brought to school now sat in his backpack, with no one here to wear it. Sure, he could give it to someone else, another girl even, but it wouldn’t feel right. It never would.
“Ahh, it really never lasts does it?”
And he would be right. The best relationships never last for him. Was it a curse? Some kind of sick hex on him? He would never know. Two good relationships down the drain. First his brother, now you. Why didn’t he see the signs? How you oftentimes skipped school without a warning, the way your face went paler and paler by the day, it almost made him laugh at how utterly stupid and unsuspecting he was. How could he have let all those little things slide? He hated himself for not noticing earlier. If he knew he would’ve done anything to make you the happiest person he knew. There were so many things he wanted to do with you. He was planning on bringing you on a date someday, before telling you how he had quit the cutting. He wanted to show you all the constellations someday, as per your request to him. He wanted to feel your arms around him, hands stroking his hair and his neck tickly from you mumbling sweet nothings into it. He wanted to one day hold your hand in his, comparing the sizes as he laced his fingers with yours. He was trying so hard not to disappoint you. He made a promise to himself that he would let you be the first to know, yet that won’t work out now that he can’t tell you anything. He was so close to his goal, going from cuts all over his arm to occasionally a cut or two on his wrist. He could imagine the way you would cover your mouth like you do when you cried at the movies out of joy, before lunging forward and holding him tight, not letting go, just like how you usually would when he made you proud. Would someone else ever do that for him? No, that would be over demanding for anyone else. High schoolers didn’t have time for shit like this. Nobody cared enough to sit there for hours on end trying to unravel the puzzle that is his mind.
He could almost hear you next to him, patting his back and whispering into his ear just like the old days.
“Kei, I’m so sorry. I really am. But I... please don’t hate yourself. Hate me. Hate me for leaving you so soon. Hate me all you want, but never, ever hate yourself. You are the best thing I’ve ever com across. Your poor soul needs to heal, and I promise, I’ll be watching you from above.”
The thought of your last words snapped the fragile string in him as tears rolled down his cheeks, the rooftop breeze blowing them into his mouth. He would never hate you, even if you wanted him to. He simply couldn’t and that goes without question. When he heard about you being in a hospital ward, he practically dropped everything he was doing and zoomed over, praying he could see you at least one last time.
“I... fuck- promise..?”
He shakily held out his pinkie, his eyes shut tightly as he tried to stop the tears. For a moment, he felt your pinkie graze against his, before it fell.
“(Y/n)..? (Y/n) wake up, wake up please! Please, you can’t leave me now, I can’t handle it by myself, please... I’m begging you...”
Your parents stared as the unknown blond boy wailed, pouring his tears onto their child’s hospital bed as he refused to accept it.
“(Y/N)! I’M SORRY, I’M SO, SO SORRY! I’M... I’m sorry, I couldn’t make you the happiest person in the world.”
It’s okay, you thought.
You already did, Kei.
He never got a reply to his question.
“Tsukki? Tsukki! Lunch is about to end!”
“Ah, shit”
Rubbing his eyes, he looked down, eyes painful from crying. Was it already the end of lunch? Probably, but it wouldn’t hurt to skip a class or two once in a while.
“It’s fine Yamaguchi.”
His friend was the most concerned after your death. He knew that Tsukishima was bound to have a hard time accepting the death of his anchor. He may not have realised it himself, but Yamaguchi knew Tsukishima well. And from everything that he’s seen, he was absolutely sure that he was in love with you. He was so in love with you to the point where he would probably never recover from losing you. He could see that you were such an important part of his life, that losing you would be equivalent to dying. Yet now, his best friend was alone again. Yamaguchi never fully understood Tsukishima, you were the only one that was able to dig deep into his mind and console him properly. You were the definition of his comfort and vice versa. The two of you were inseparable. Yamaguchi truly didn’t know how to help at this point. Tsukishima was damaged beyond return.
“Tsukki, I know it’s really hard on you, but I promise it’s going to get better. Please don’t do it even if you think it’s worth it because it’s not. I’m not saying this out of pity. You helped me up at my lowest and I want to do the same for you. Losing you would be losing the person I’m the most thankful for.”
Tsukishima would kill himself with no problem. What stopped him was knowing that even if he did, he wouldn’t be able to meet you. He could never see you again no matter how hard he tried. A person like you, who selflessly helped him during his hardest times, greeted everyone with a smile, you were bound to end up somewhere nice, whether it was heaven, or reincarnated into a millionaire. The universe would never accept someone like himself. He hurt himself and others in many ways, he was going to hell for everything he had done, and although that would be okay with him, a promise was a promise.
So he was going to live.
He was going to live on, stop cutting, and be the best person he could, all in honour of you.
He was going to live and make you, watching him from above, proud, even if the two of you were to never meet again.
Tags:
@izzyphantomgamer @sunshines-and-tatertots @tiredgr3mlin @tiger1719 @skyeackermans @macaronnv @ewfilthymundane @samanthaa-leanne @kaylacinderella @inlwlevi @random-fandomlover @majorfangirl37 @itmekisuu @trashcanweeb @sakusasgarbage @eightaces @fandomwriter73 @mariechan123 @iwaigroomi @oyasenpai @sneezefiction @emsvegetables @poppirocks @shoutsukii @bokutokoutarou @artsamber @xonfusedsoul @justachillgirl @just-another-bored-writer
I’M BACK FUCKERS
I’ll do some requests now lmao
#haikyuu#haikyuu x reader#haikyuu imagines#haikyuu scenarios#haikyuu headcanons#haikyuu tsukishima#hq#hq x reader#hq imagines#hq scenarios#hq headcanons#hq tsukishima#hq tsukki#tsukishima#tsukishima kei#tsukishima x reader#haikyuu angst#manga#anime
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Ghostin
Seungkwan: Chapter 3 (Never Enough)
Characters: Seungkwan x female reader
Genre/Warnings: multi-member au (different scenarios), werewolf au, fantasy, angst (a shit ton of sadness honestly), semi-unrequited love, death mentions, mental illness (depression), runaway mates, family fighting, implied violence. Any others will be put as warnings when future chapters are thought up/written.
Author’s Note: Okay so this chapter is a bit shorter than I had anticipated, but please bare with me. The next one for him should get pretty intense and I think it’ll be worth it. But this chapter had to slow it down a bit for explanation purposes. And I’m sorry for all the Angst recently, I’m better at writing that than I am fluff or smut. But I swear, Hansol and Chan’s chapters won’t be as edgy.
Please remember that all of these chapters and the content within them are a work of fiction! They’re just for fun/entertainment!
Bold= Dialogue Italics= Thoughts
🥀
Ghostin Master List
Chapter 3: Never Enough
It had been almost a week since you left. Seungkwan barely left his room. He hardly ate. He hardly slept. Hell, he hardly even cried anymore. He just stared up blankly at his ceiling. He was just doing the absolute bare minimum to stay alive for his pack, and that’s mostly because you asked him to. But he didn’t want to continue his life without you, even if you didn’t love him, he still loved you. You were everything to him. Living a life without you wasn’t a life Seungkwan thought was worth living.
At this point, anytime he slept and dreamed, it was of you. Whether it be some small memory he had with you, or just a random nightmare that terrified him to his core, it was always you. It killed him to see you without ACTUALLY seeing you, so he tried not to sleep much. Of course, he still did. He had to, and when he did, he always dreamt of you. And it seemed he wasn’t the only one who had that problem now…
Flashback
“How could you?!? How could you make her leave?!?” Seungkwan screamed at the top of his lungs at the older wolf, having to be held back by his other brothers so he wouldn’t lunge at him after he had spent hours outside looking for you.
He came home dirty, covered from head to toe in twigs, leaves, mud, and dirty. He tried to track you, he really did. But you were just… gone. He tried to follow the pull, but it always lead him back home, the last place he had seen you. He knew you must’ve used your powers or some sort of spell to mislead his instincts. You didn’t want him to find you, you left for his own good, and it broke him fragile little heart.
“Seungkwan… I’m sorry. I didn’t think- I didn’t think she’d actually leave you I-” Jihoon tried, still at a loss for words from the events that happened only hours ago.
“You fucking asshole!! I hate you! I HATE YOU!” Seungkwan cried out with mud streaking his face, trying to tear himself out of the other pack members grips to get to him, failing miserably due to his lack of strength.
“I HATE YOU! YOU RUINED EVERYTHING! I FUCKING HATE YOU!!” He sobbed into the closest members shoulder, finally letting himself fall to the floor in agony.
“I hate you… I hate you… How could you… I hate you…” he continued to mumble as Soonyoung started to comfort the younger wolf, rubbing his back softly while whispering words of encouragement to him.
Jihoon couldn’t believe what had happened. You actually left his brother to fend for himself. Seungkwan was too devastated to even speak coherently. You hadn’t actually denied him, you wanted to be sure he still had a chance at living and denying him would’ve killed him, but you could make sure he didn’t find you. And that’s apparently what you had done. You made true to your promise of leaving Seungkwan so that he could be happy. He could never blame you for it, he loved you, you were his mate after all. So that only left one other person he could blame it on…
“Jihoon… you fucking prick… I fucking hate you… I fucking HATE you…” Seungkwan whimpered out in the direction of the older wolf, still laying on the floor with his brothers surrounding him to be sure he didn’t hurt himself.
“Okay that’s enough. I think Seungkwan needs to go and rest. Hansol, you and Seokmin will be in charge of him. Take him up to his room and stay with him. He’s had a long day and- and he just really looks like he needs to sleep.” Jeonghan decided as the one currently in charge.
As one of the Alphas, it was his job to remain impartial and make sure everything was running smoothly. Usually, it was Seungcheol’s job as he was physically the oldest, but he went out with a few of the others to try and find you. So it was left to Jeonghan to take care of the remaining pack. But seeing his brother so broken and hurt from losing his mate tore at his own heartstrings. He decided it was best he be kept in his room under supervision to be sure he didn’t hurt himself.
“And YOU!” Jeonghan quickly turned and pointed to Jihoon, who was standing with wide eyes, clearly caught off guard by the sudden demeanor change in the older wolf.
“You come with me NOW!” He barked, walking to the back patio with the smaller boy following his exit.
“What the actual HELL were you thinking?!?” Jeonghan demanded, his eyes already starting to shift to red as he angrily stared his baby brother down.
“I- I don’t know. I just wanted her to treat him better. We all did. But she just- she just left…” Jihoon stuttered, not quite used to being yelled at by anyone.
He generally kept to himself and out of trouble. But this time, he was the direct cause of it. There was no denying it. And he had no fucking way to fix it. His brother was gonna hate him forever and NEVER forgive him. Even if he managed to find a way to get you back to him, he fucked up too badly.
“You damn well KNOW it wasn’t your place to say anything. It wasn’t YOUR mate with the problem so you shouldn’t have had a fucking say. And now look what you’ve done! You’ve made Seungkwan’s mate run for the hills and now he could DIE! Do you even realize the severity of the situation you’ve just made Jihoon?!?” Jeonghan screamed while throwing his hands in the air, really wanting to punch him in the face but knowing that that would solve none of the problems he was listing off in his head.
Jeonghan was the silly alpha who liked to have fun and pull pranks. He was NEVER the one to handle the serious situations. And generally speaking, when he did, he always found it easier to sit down and talk to the others on a peer level. But he was BEYOND pissed. And Jihoon knew why. Seungkwan was one of the kindest most innocent people he’d ever met. And he had just scared off his mate by running his big fat mouth off. He deserved the harsh treatment his brother was giving him and much more.
“I… I know.” Jihoon responded, looking down at his hands that were now connected over his torso in shame.
“I REALLY don’t think you do know Jihoon. Seungkwan’s one of the few pack members who can keep us all together. Even if she hasn’t TRULY denied him, we both know someone like him could never go more than a few days without seeing his mate before getting sick and DYING! What do you thinks gonna happen to not just him, but the whole pack when he decides to give up?” Jeonghan pinched the bridge of his nose in frustration, attempting to keep himself calm.
“I- I don’t know.” Jihoon whimpered out, even though he knew just how bad shit was gonna get.
“Well know THIS.” Jeonghan started with his index finger pushing into Jihoon’s chest.
“If ANYTHING happens to Seungkwan OR (Y/N), YOURE the one that’ll be responsible. And YOULL be the one to dig the graves before we kick your ass out of the house FOR GOOD. Am I making myself clear to you?” Jeonghan questioned through gritted teeth, getting more upset at him by the second.
“Yes Jeonghan Hyung.” Jihoon whined out with watery eyes.
“Good. Now you BETTER find SOMEWAY to fix the damage you caused, otherwise you better start looking for a new place to live!” Jeonghan spoke as he gripped onto Jihoon’s collar, lifting him up slightly during the conversation to show dominance.
Jihoon was terrified. He didn’t want his brother to die. He didn’t want to get dropped from the pack. He didn’t want you to die, even if he made it seem that way. He didn’t want a bunch of shit to set into motion because of his stupid actions. He felt like he was spiraling into a pit of despair. What was he going to do? His brother was gonna die and it was all his fault. You were going to die and it was all on him. He wouldn’t have a pack anymore and it was all because of himself. It felt like the whole world was closing in on him and he couldn’t breathe.
Suddenly, flashes of your and Seungkwan’s corpses flashed through his mind. You guys’s eyes were white and hallow and your skin was cold and blue. Your mouths were stuck open in horror and all the life had been sucked out of the both of you. He killed you both. He killed you both. HE killed you BOTH. WHAT DID HE DO?!?!
-
Jihoon sat up gasping for air. He started patting his head and body, making sure they wouldn’t pass through him to prove he was awake. It was a dream. It was a dream. He was still alive. Seungkwan was still alive. You were still alive, at least he hoped. That thought frightened him more than anything, but he tried not to give into that fear.
He slowly laid back down to slow his rapidly beating heart and began breathing in and out at a deep pace. From through the walls, he could hear Seungkwan whimper in his sleep, his pulse beating as fast as a jackhammer. He must’ve been having another nightmare about you. Jihoon closed his eyes tightly.
He had to fix this. He had to help his brother. He caused all his pain. He was the reason he was alone in his room crying in his sleep right now. Seungkwan didn’t deserve what had happened to him. He was such a loving, sweet brother and mate. He had to get you back to him. But how could he possible do that? Your strange background meant you could do things they couldn’t even comprehend. You made it to where Seungkwan couldn’t even follow the pull. It was like you had vanished off the face of the Earth. So how the actual fuck could he manage to find you when even your own mate couldn’t?
Jihoon didn’t get anymore sleep that night, he staying up racking his brain on how he could get you to come home. And, by sunrise, he thought he had figured out a half decent plan. It was risky sure, but Jihoon would walk through hell if it meant getting you back to his brother now. He’d grovel on his hands and knees and beg you to come back with him if he had to. He had to rectify his mistakes.
He didn’t even care if he got kicked out of the pack at this point. He didn’t care if he lost his other brothers love anymore. All he cared about was Seungkwan and his sadness. The sadness he could hear every night. He had to bring you back, for Seungkwan’s sake.
And he was gonna do whatever he could to make that happen. Even if it meant getting himself killed in the process, he had to. Because even if he managed to lead you back home, no amount of sorrys or forgive mes we’re gonna bring his brother’s mind back from the abyss he had put him through. No amount of kisses or hugs from you were gonna have his brother’s smile shine as bright as it once had. Seungkwan was always gonna remember the pain of you leaving due to Jihoon’s hard words and actions. No matter what Jihoon did to try and make it all up to Seungkwan, it would Never be Enough in his eyes.
(Updated 8/23)
#seventeen#seventeen angst#seventeen au#seventeen fanfic#seventeen fluff#seventeen smut#svt au#seventeen x reader#boo seungkwan#svt seungkwan#seungkwan#seventeen seungkwan
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Fire Emblem: Three Houses Thoughts
As someone who has always enjoyed JPRGs (thanks FFX) I kind of went into FETH knowing I would probably enjoy it. It’s character driven! It has different classes for each character! You can romance a character of your choice! There are goddesses, ultimate weapons, dragons, and a magic system! How could I not like this game?
The thing about FETH is it didn’t really throw any twists or turns that I couldn’t have predicted my way but the conclusions were still satisfying. The story was good but not in a ‘woah, change my life’ way. It did its job but its not FFVII or Tales of Bersera good in my eyes. No. It’s the characters and their individual stories that kept me playing.
I played Verdant Wind btw so there will probably be some spoilers for this route in my notes below.
You can’t really speak about Verdant Wind without first mentioning Claude. He’s the House’s Lord and the person you chose to align with at the start of the game. I chose The Golden Deer because of Claude. I’m not ashamed to admit it. I spoke to all the students, liked the look of some of them, felt meh about others, but when it came down to the choice I had to go with my gut feeling- this guy feels down to earth compared to the other two. I feel like he would be a laugh to hang out with. Plus he’s pretty.
I wasn’t wrong. Claude speaks to others as if they are his equal... because they are to him, and part of that also means that he isn’t afraid to make fun of his classmates or even his rival houses. Claude is top bants, and of course he remains pretty up to the point of the time skip- where he looks straight up handsome. Golden Boy indeed.
But my favorite thing about Claude- and the rest of the characters really- is that what you first see isn’t what is really going on. Claude might speak causally with people but he is extremely mistrustful of people at the beginning of the game. He keeps all his cards close to his chest under the pretence of being a ‘schemer’ but while he does have a sharp mind the real reason for this is he doesn’t trust others to take him and his goals seriously. He’s been treated as an outsider his whole life. Been discriminated against. Moved from pillar to post at the will of the nobles and seen discrimination happening from the other side as a result of this. Which is why his route is perfect for him. In between Edelgard, Rhea, and Dimitri, Claude is the third party, trying to make the best of a situation and struggling to see both sides. He wants to gather all the information he can because he would hate to have a wrong opinion due to trusting the biased opinions of others. He finds the truth for himself.
But Claude doesn’t stay that way. Yes, his goal from the beginning has been to tear down the wall separating Fodlan from the outside world but.... ironically he had to tear down the wall within himself that was separating him from others as well. Claude at the end of the game is a very different person to the Claude at the beginning. He is open to Lorenz and Hilda’s suggestions, willing to share his plans with Byleth and others, up to the point where he reveals his ultimate goal to the others and they stand by him. Nobles, commoners, Crestbearers and Crestless. Claude truly becomes a leader in that scene. He inspires in a way all leaders should and leads by example.
And it’s not just Claude...it’s all of them: Hilda, Lorenz, Leonie, Lysithea, Ignatz, Rapheal and Marianne all develop over the course of the story (especially if you do their Supports) and their development feeds into both Claude’s and Verdant Wind’s story.
Let me talk about Marianne for a second. I honestly didn’t think much of her to start with- oh here’s another ‘I’m so sorry’ fragile girl- I thought- I’m sure she’ll stay exactly the same, the way they always do.
Nope. Marianne is a mess. She’s a severely depressed, suicidal, living from day to day, barely taking care of herself, mess. I like that the game highlights this as her being utterly unhealthy. It’s not edgy goth girl, or cute shy girl, it’s Marianne being a danger to herself. The game writes her despair as being rooted in her Crest (the cursed Crest of the Beast) but it is ridiculously easy to read this Crest as a metaphor for Mental Illness. She’s told to stay away from others because of it because she might hurt them. Her father suffered from it before her and it was passed down to her. If people knew the nature of her Crest they would shun her as something dangerous and untrustworthy. And lastly, it is achingly clear how much she wants to be freed of it... even if that freedom costs her life. I’m reading it as a mental illness metaphor and I’m sticking with it.
But its her supports that bring her back to life. The people around her speak to her in various ways befitting their character (I like this too) and each one highlights something different that they see in her that is admirable and good. Rapheal admires her affinity with animals. Lorenz admires her quiet nature. Ignatz recognises how easy it is to appreciate the small things when with her. Claude recognises her strength in being different. Etc. etc. None of these things cure her but by being around people and seeing that they don’t reject her but accept her instead her shell begins to crack. Maybe it doesn’t have to be this way, Marianne begins to think. Maybe there are small parts of myself that are not only tolerable but... wanted in others. Maybe I don’t have to apologise for my existence.
It’s hard to say when Marianne truly turns a leaf because much like real life, change doesn’t happen in one moment, but it’s important to recognise that she does change. She still has the Crest at the end of the story (read Mental Illness) but she noticeably is able to speak her mind without apologising, able to offer her help rather than shying away, and most importantly able to laugh. It’s amazing how vocal Marianne is after the time-skip. She’s still Marianne but a healthier person. And I love her for it.
I won’t go over the other characters as I’ve spoken plenty about my two faves but I do love them all. Yes, even Sylvain. Can’t agree with his methods but I do understand and empathise with his reasons. And people are often like that.
Going off characters and into other things:
Gameplay-
I liked it but made the mistake of choosing Normal. It was ridiculously easy by the mid-way point. I would defo play on Hard in future games. However I love the strategy of choosing who fights who, when to draw someone back, when to use Gambits etc. Also love the class system. Pegasus Knights go brrrrrrrr.
Music-
This is a ‘it does its job’ for me. Nothing really stood out asides the final boss theme. But it didn’t annoy me or get bland so there’s that!
Monastery Life-
Pre Timeskip- Was fun. I liked trying to recruit students and finding lost items and doing all the support raising stuff. It was a nice break from battles.
Post Timeskip- Eh. Not enough students around to justify it tbh. It didn’t bore me but I did find myself wanting to go back to battles, story, or supports.
Verdant Wind story- I like this route for its lore and for how it mirrors Claude’s character. I did not like last minute villain even if I liked his theme. I was kind of surprised Sothis never came back?? Killing the students I didn’t recruit was fucking cruel. Have no idea what happened to Dedue. Maybe he went to the Bahamas for a long holiday after losing out to the kill.
I want to play the other routes to understand Edelgard/Dimitri/Rhea’s viewpoints but I do feel like VW is a complete story in itself. You don’t need anything else but Claude really. Why get messed up in politics and Crest shit when you can try to end racism, right? Who the fuck cares about that other stuff.
Anyway in conclusion this game to me succeeds for two things- compelling character development and compelling character relationships. I’m kind of astounded tbh that the writers wrote so many characters and yet made them all compelling in their own ways.
I bought a Golden Deer shirt because I am so invested in these characters so they’ve got to be good.
#fire emblem:three houses#verdant wind#claude von reigen#marianne von edmund#golden deer#video games#fire emblem
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A long post about having undiagnosed ADHD as a little girl. And how we all need to talk a hell of a lot more about Reaction Sensitive Dysphoria.
(cw: mental illness, childhood punishment, discussions of childhood self-harm & suicidal ideation)
When I was a little girl, I was a crybaby. I didn’t know why I’d cry all the time. I just did. Everything always felt catastrophic, even if it was just a disagreement over what to play with my friends. People called me manipulative. I got made fun of at school. I was sent to the school therapist. Hell, the only time I ever had to go to the principal’s office, I was in kindergarten and would not. stop. crying. I was literally sent to the principal’s office for crying too much.
(Note. How did I respond to that? I cried. A lot.)
Here are a few examples of things that made me feel like the world was ending:
Once I came home sobbing and my parents asked me what was wrong. Why was I crying? Because the other kids had called me a crybaby.
Once at daycare (around age six), some older boys were making effigies of their teachers out of play-doh and then smushing them and convinced me to join in. The minute I did, they told me that they were telling my teacher, which made me about lose my damn mind.
I was a voracious reader and often ran out of reading material. Once I sneaked some of my mother’s romance novels that she’d left in the bathroom for light reading. They were Very Adult. I was so scared she’d find out and scold me for reading sexually explicit books.
Now, my parents think these are kind of funny stories. They say that I was very cute. But in truth, I was a nervous wreck. My life was pretty good in most ways, but I’d have these moments that just felt like cascading catastrophes. Anytime someone criticized me or my work or my ideas, the sky would just come crashing down. I’d cry so hard I couldn’t breathe. I’d cry so hard I threw up. I grew out of the crying by about age nine, but that sickening feeling of failure never really left.
About 8 years ago, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Severe ADHD. I believe the doctor’s exact words were “I don’t even know how you graduated from high school”. They tried me on ADHD medicine but it made my heart go dokidoki so I just had to live with being unmedicated. I wasn’t told a lot about ADHD at that point, or how ADHD symptoms differ for women, so I just kind of assumed that it was just focus and that’s it. Brain fog wasn’t exactly new to me, what with my other illnesses, so I figured I’d just live with it.
But about a year ago, I learned about Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is a fairly common symptom of ADHD that no one ever told me about in my goddamn life! It essentially means that when you are criticized (or perceive something as criticism) by others or by yourself, your brain goes into absolute hyperdrive. You go from zero to “everyone hates me and I deserve that and probably don’t deserve to live too because I am just the worst” over like. literally nothing. And it’s not just like a mental thing you can train yourself out of. It’s characterized by actual physical pain. Y’all, I have anxiety and depression and this is not the same thing. This is your whole body seizing up and your brain going into a maelstrom that’s fairly similar to a panic attack.
Here’s the less cute side to all of those stories:
I had very few friends, and the friends I did have thought I was annoying and manipulative. The more I cried, the more kids stayed away from me.
After the Play-Doh incident, I cried for days. Days. And I was scared of my teacher for weeks. My parents laughed it off as a cute child thing, but none of it was cute for me. The older boys forgot about it by the next day, but it haunted my interactions with that teacher for weeks. It interfered with my education. I was a nervous wreck at school. I was so scared that she would hate me. That I’d be singled out in class. That I’d fail and my whole education would be upended and I’d fail out of school and my parents would hate me too and my life would be over. That’s... a lot for a six year old.
Those romance novels? That was a closely guarded secret that I kept for years. For literal years, I was afraid she’d somehow find out that I’d read those books. I would think of it when I was nine, ten, eleven years old and my whole body would stiffen up. I’d occasionally throw up. I cried about what might happen if my parents ever found out. Would they hate me forever? Yes, probably. They’d never love me again. I was a bad child. I finally told my mom about it a few months ago. I was 29. A small part of me was still scared I’d get in trouble. (My mom laughed about it; she was just like ‘wow, I should have put those books up higher’.)
When I was six, I went to an aftercare at a neighbor’s house for a while. (This predated the other daycare.) One day, one of the kids at aftercare didn’t get off the bus. The lady asked if anyone knew where he was. Trying to be helpful, I said I thought I’d seen him on the bus. (And like -- I really did think I did. But I was six and six year olds are uhhh not smart.) Surprise! He’d actually left school early for a dr’s appt. But she thought he’d missed his bus stop and spent like an hour on the phone figuring out what happened. And y’all. When she realized he hadn’t been on that bus, she was furious. When my other neighbor picked me up for my mom that evening, the lady told her that I was a bad child who’d purposefully lied to scare her. She said I wasn’t allowed to come back. And ohhh guys. I begged my neighbor not to tell my mom. (She did.) And then I begged my mom not to tell my dad. She was honestly kind of alarmed at how vehement I was about dad not knowing. (I was like a shaking, sobbing mess.) She asked me what I thought would happen. idk. Maybe he’d hit me. (My parents never hit me.) Maybe he’d throw me out of the house. Maybe he’d never talk to me again. He’d definitely stop loving me. I was so bad. So, so bad. I was a bad child. No one would ever love me. I was a worthless, bad child.
In short, I was hysterical.
When my parents finally talked to me about it, it was less of a talk about consequences and more talking me off the fucking ledge. They weren’t that concerned about the actual incident; they figured out pretty quickly that I’d just made a mistake. A temporarily scary one, but a mistake all the same. (I basically never misbehaved, so they were kind of confused by the whole situation, honestly.) But they were very concerned about my reaction to it. I knew they loved me, right? I knew that they wouldn’t hurt me, right? Why did I think that was a possibility?
I didn’t know. I still don’t know. It wasn’t rational. It was just my brain exploding into a thousand tiny pieces.
This is not a memory my mom laughs about. I think it really genuinely disturbed her. She’s still angry at that aftercare neighbor for doing that to me. As an adult, I realize that the person who actually fucked up in that scenario was the boy’s mother, who didn’t call to alert aftercare that he wouldn’t be coming. (Funnily enough, that boy’s mother was my first grade teacher -- the one I was so terrified of. Small town. I guess I was scared of her hating me, too.) But as a child, this wasn’t just bad. It was catastrophic. I genuinely considered hurting myself. I was six years old and I considered hurting myself. Suicidal ideation is often part and parcel with RSD. I’ve had to deal with that since elementary school.
RSD is real and it’s terrifying and it’s not unusual in children with ADHD. It’s still a problem that I struggle with. I’ve had friends not answer texts for a while and my brain just. assumes that I said something wrong. And now they hate me. Because I’m a bad person. And my whole body will shake. I’ll sweat. My stomach will roll. My chest will literally hurt like I’m having a heart attack. I still have to blink back those tears. Sometimes I’ll go for a walk to distract myself and burn off all that energy. Sometimes I’ll write a post like this. Sometimes I’ll just lie in bed. Shaking. Trying very hard not to think about doing Bad Things. It’s hard to say how it’ll go until it goes.
(Note: I’m okay right now! I was just talking about this with dad yesterday so I’ve been thinking about it.)
And this is not my friends’ fault! Or my family’s fault. This is no one’s fault. It’s just... mental illness, I guess. It’s hard to predict. Sometimes I can have a calm and reasonable discussion about my faults (which I fully admit exist) and sometimes someone disagrees with me on whether a tv show is good and my brain shits itself. (I’m dumb and stupid and this person probably hates me now! Because I didn’t love Avatar! Why did I open my big mouth? Now our whole relationship is ruined and I ruined it because I am a dumb relationship-ruiner!) Obviously, it gets worse when my physical and mental state is already fragile. I have a lot of chronic physical and mental illnesses, so like... it happens. But it’s very hard to predict, very hard to control, and all you can do is really talk yourself through it when it happens. Breathe. Focus on what’s real and what’s not. Distract yourself. Be as kind to your brain as you can because it will not be kind back.
Talk to people who love you. Try, whenever possible, to be one of those people.
idk. I wish I had concrete advice to finish this off. But it’s more just like... please learn to see the signs, especially in small children. I had far too many strong emotions for a child to figure out on her own. I really could have used some help. It’s too late for my childhood, but not for the other kids who are struggling with similar issues right now.
And if you read this and see yourself in it, do me a solid and talk to your doctor? Your brain might thank you one day.
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Tw: ED (??), sh, depression, suicidal thoughts, abuse (??)
So yeah,
It feels weird to come back here even if it's a more recent account. The first time I made a tumblr account was when I was 13 and back then I was already really depressed because of trauma, my relationship with my parents and the fact that they were always saying that I faked being depressed and was just being dramatic and other shitty stuff.
Back then they thought I was a gay girl too but yeah I'm a bi trans boy and it makes everything so damn harder because everytime I try to talk about my mental health my mom just says that it's JUST because I'm trans and I should just be patient and wait to be 18 to start a transition while yes, dysphoria and the fact that my family isn't really supportive make me sad but my mental health has been getting so damn bad.
I've never really been a happy child, my parents divorced when I was 3-4, my mom found my stepdad who has always been an asshole to me and my little brother because we are not his "real" kids and would always yell at us and hit my brother and my mom has always been depressive and mentally ill (Ed, depression and trauma) so she is scared of him ig, anyways, she just never said anything about it, even when she noticed that we were really scared of him.
My bio father was supposed to take us at his place every weekend but after a year he stopped coming and dissappeared for 9 years. At the same time I started to get bullied at school by older kids and some kids in my class and I didn't have any friends because it was a shame for them to be friend with me.
At 11, I have been sexually assaulted by an older kid (he was 15 or something) leaving me with trauma.
At 12 I changed school and found friends, I was so unused to it and ashamed of my past that I spent my time lying to them so they'll like me and think I'm cool, I also started to smoke and drink in secret because I felt so much pain and the intrusive thoughts started to get loud.
At 13 my bio dad came back in my life because he owed a lot of money to my mom and wanted to use us to make my mom feel bad about it. I started self-harming lightly and depression started to settle in but I wasn't really understanding what was going on because the "hypomanic" phases and intrusive thoughts were getting more present causing me to lose the only friends I had and yeah I just didn't understand what the hell was going on. I tried to talk about my mental health to my parents but they told me that I was being dramatic and it's a normal thing to feel bad because I was an adolescent and questioning my identity (I came out as a lesbian back at this time) and decided to just punish me and take my phone away because I was spending too much time alone in my room and didn't do the chores.
At 14 I started to have a lot of anxiety and panic attacks while being in depressive episodes, I started an ed (feeling shameful for eating even a little amount of anything and purging, I don't want to give it any name because I have been diagnosed and yeah), I also began to self-harm more and deeper (still not bad, I don't want to lie for that type of stuff xd), I broke down one day and told everything to my parents (sh, depressive tendencies, smoke, suicidal thoughts etc) and once again they were like "yeah nah it can't be that bad, you just lie to have attention and have an excuse to stay in your room and just being stupid" but my mom saw my arms and thights and then was okay for me to go see a psychologist. So for a year I had the opportunity to talk with a professional who was really amazing, she prescribed me light sleep pills because of my insomnia while in depressive episodes and "hypomanic" (don't have a diagnosis but I have all the symptoms but then again I don't want to self diagnose because it could be wrong and be something else) ones but my mom always refused to give them to me. At the end of the year she wanted an appointment with my mom to talk about my mental health and the importance for me to go see a therapist to be diagnosed (bipolar disorder 2 (she was still questioning it) , anxiety disorder and depression or whatever, she just wanted me to have the help I needed) but then again my mom said no because I was surely just faking it all and I just had to make efforts to be happy. I was so tired of everything and just wanted to feel better so I started to steal my mom depression medication (mostly Xanax and calming pills).
At 15 I met my first serious girlfriend, I fell in love so hard with her and for the first month she really helped me to stop sh, pills, drinking and everything was great until she started to verbally abuse me using my dysphoria and fragile subjects I told her about (she would say that I'm annoying and selfish for always feeling bad and that u was too sensitive and not a real boy if I cried) once I wasn't agreeing with her, slap and hit me if I said something she wasn't okay with or when I would have anxiety attacks or talk to her about my suicidal thoughts while in depressive episodes and yeah she used me like if I was a dog, if she wanted something or think in some way I would have to give her or do whatever she wanted or I would get threatened, insulted or ignored for a long time or other icky stuff. After 6 months of making me feel guilty for not letting her touch me in a sexual way she one day decided to start taking advantage of me while I wasn't in the appropriate head space or without my consent and then making fun of my body and making comments about the way I look. She in fact, made me really anxious and feel bad and it made me start to binge eat, at the end of the year my weight was 78 kg, before our relationship I was 59 kg, people noticed it but just told me to stop eating and go on a diet.
At 17 (this year) I finally broke up even if she asked me to do it because she didn't want to be seen as the mean one for letting me while I was clearly depressed. It was hard but I could finally meet new people or get back with people she didn't wanted me to talk to (especially my amazing actual partner and my bestfriend) who helped me a lot realizing all the shit she did to me and they have been amazing at making me feel loved and cared for and to be honest I don't think I would be there if they weren't in my life right now.
Now my mental health is just fucked. Like I said when I broke up with my abusive ex I had gained almost 20 kg and it reminded me all the bully I've been through as a kid (they most of the time used the fact I was overweight to bully me) so I started to starve myself or purge if I felt like I ate too much (I started to count calories) I was at 78 kg at the start and in 2 weeks I was at 65kg, it was during quarantine so i didn't have any friend or people noticing what I was doing or see me fainting. I started to drink almost everyday and smoke a lot.
In June I got in a relationship with my actual partner and to be honest it's the only good point I can find this year. They (genderfluid) are an angel and I just don't know what I would do without them, they help me a lot even if they are struggling with mental illness themself and anyone has ever cared for me and made me feel so loved before. Today it's been 4 months officially and it makes me feel happy and I just want it to never stop. My mental health is at its worst, I've been having a lot of intrusive thoughts, i have a self destructive comportement, in September I started to sh again (a lot deeper) after 2 years clean, I often call them in the middle of the night (well in the middle of the day for them cause I'm in Belgium and they are in Texas) because of really bad dreams and suicidal thoughts, I am bullied and made fun of by the people in my class for being trans and having a different style (alt-grunge), I barely eat or purge if I try to have a meal, I have these "hypomanic" phases that make me getting really angry at nothing and do a lot of stupid shit because I feel invincible and better than anyone, almost godly and yet they never made me feel like I was a burden or like I should just stfu or like I was being dramatic and they are actually the first person believing me and not saying I fake everything.
I am struggling and it becomes so damn hard to live but I will do my best not to give up and just keep on fighting for them and maybe try to recover and seek for help when I turn 18. I already try to make little steps and stop self harming, drinking too much energy drink XDD so yeah let's just try and be positive I guess.
Sorry its actually so damn long hhh I don't even know if i will post It one day or keep it as a draft eheh I hate venting
#ed vent#vent text#tw depressing stuff#tw eating stuff#trauma#ventcore#traumacore#long ass rant#tw self destruction#self harrrm#tw self destructive behavior
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Hi I’m the first ren anon and I was wondering if you could tell me like the specific things ren does that are Not Okay? If you don’t want to that’s totally fine I’m just trying to take ren anon #2’s advice and figure out which behaviors are Bad Ones. I also don’t have insurance , so no therapy for me lol 👌😎
RIP but also I feel that. And sure! I’ll just sorta go through as we see it happen. Under cut cause this is LONG
--Possessive and controlling of Soren’s body. They blow up when he alters his appearance without their permission and against their preferences
--Desires ownership of friends, actual literal ownership.
--” But if you feel like you need to, I won’t mind if you rough him up a little during training. It might make him even more grateful to be owned by me, haha! “ Wishes ill on friend specifically so that they can play the hero, perfectly fine with putting Soren’s well-being at risk in order to emotionally manipulate him into liking them more and seeing them in a better light
--” He could’ve always come crawling back to Ren! They would have forgiven him for acting unreasonable, just because they got mad. “ Victim blaming, claiming that SOREN should be the one apologizing to THEM
-- “ They tugged the instructions off his chest, pulling at the wrong angle so the adhesive would pull at the skin. Just a little tug, just a little poke at their boy, nothing mean, no, they could never be mean to Soren. “ “ Soren cried out sharply with the next slap, backhanded and hard, his body knocked into the rim of the box he was still sitting in. “ Ren is genuinely delighted by causing Soren pain and discomfort, but internally justifies it to themself as nothing “too mean”
--” “Testing responsiveness, mm?” Ren murmured aloud, as though to themself, but entirely for Soren’s sake. “ Saying things specifically because they know it’ll distress Soren
-- “Fragile thing,” Ren murmured, petting his pretty hair, “Delicate little thing, oh, it’s alright now, it’s alright. You’re so delicate, so delicate.” Ren hurts Soren, but then follows it up by providing comfort and affection, which “overrides” the pain that they themself caused. Also, this is more subtle victim blaming, claiming that it’s SOREN’S fault that he’s in pain from the slap because he’s delicate and fragile, instead of, yknow, being in pain because Ren slapped him
--”Master–”They slammed him to the floor, hand gripping hard over his mouth, “ Ren reacts VIOLENTLY to small mistakes. Soren DIDN’T know any better in this situation, but still Ren hurts him for the accident.
--Also just in general Ren has a NASTY, hair-trigger temper that manifests in violent ways, but they self-justify once again
--” “Now you are Soren,” they said affectionately, bestowing the name like a gift, which it was. “ Ren’s ego is MASSIVE. We see throughout the series that Ren has a RIDICULOUS god-complex and believes everything they say and do is a gift bestowed upon the people around them
--as teens they coerced him into skinny dipping, which was a violation of his boundaries but they bulldozed past them because what they wanted took greater importance in Ren’s mind than Soren’s mental/emotional well-being
--Possessive, again, Ren is so possessive, reacting violently to the thought that anyone else would even touch Soren, because they see Soren as their property and their property alone. Like really there’s a reason #possessive behavior is on p much every single post in that story
--They photograph and videotape Soren without his knowledge or consent (not that his consent is particularly meaningful in this situation), which is a violation of boundaries and privacy
Like
A serious violation
Soren is under CONSTANT surveillance and he doesn’t know it (thank god, his anxiety could turn horrific if he did, if he were less the person (doll) that he is now) and that is Not Good
“ knowing that they were seeing him naked while he didn’t know that sent a thrill up their spine “ And of course Ren gets off on that violation, too
--They frequently compare Soren to birds (and later, 02 to dogs) which is dehumanizing as shit
--” tugging at the bottom of it with a sudden spike in anxiety.“Um, Exalted?”“Yes sweetheart?”“Do I, get to wear, maybe underwear, or pants, with this?”Ren laughed, squishing his freckled cheeks. “Of course not you silly goose!” “ Ren has a TOTAL disregard for Soren’s actual comfort, if what makes him uncomfortable is something that Ren wants
--“You will never,” Ren pet the hair back from one side of his face, “ever,” they pet the other side, “belong to anyone but me. You’re mine, Soren, forever, forever and ever. No one else will ever touch you, no one else will ever get you, you’re never leaving this house unless it’s on my leash.”Soren hiccupped as he smiled up at them, pressing into their palms, cheeks tearstained and ruddy.“Never, Soren,” Ren soothed, “You’ll never leave me.” Again we see Ren “comforting” Soren, but like, they’re just taking the opportunity Soren’s nightmare has provided to further manipulate him into loving and being dependent on them while securing their own possessive behaviors
--When Ren thinks Soren’s going to cut his hair, they LOSE it, screaming and hurting him, and then make him clean up the mess claiming that he was the one to make it. Super duper victim blaming galore.
--Selecting Soren’s hobbies for him. Soren may like dancing and playing the harp, but he sure as hell didn’t get to choose to do so
--Conditioning Soren to treat his collar like a lifeline and as physical proof that he is owned, which Ren manipulates into being Soren’s primary comfort.
--Drugging Soren without his knowledge or consent
--Fucking Soren, who has no actual ability to tell them no or tell them to stop if they do something he doesn’t like
--letting other people photograph him without him having any say in it, and profiting off of Soren’s physical appearance and actions.
--” pulled Soren in by the hair so hard that he yelped. But it was just because Ren was excited, so it didn’t count as actually hurting him. “ Ren has conditioned Soren to think that nothing they do “counts” as hurting him, and Soren is willing to bend over backwards to make excuses for Ren’s actions
--” “Is that what they told you?” Ren said derisively, snorting a little. Soren blinked, and then melted. “ GASLIGHTING. Anything that doesn’t fits Ren’s narrative, they’ll manipulate. They make Soren think he’s gullible for believing other peoples “lies,” make him think he’s got a shitty memory (which, admittedly, given the universe this takes place in it’s true, but it’s still gaslighting behavior), will do anything to make Soren question his own sanity or intelligence or understanding as long as Ren gets off scott-free
--” Ren needed to reward Soren. So brave, so useful. “ Places value on their friends’ “usefulness”
--” they glanced in their rear view mirror and saw a particularly delicious sight.Soren’s mother “ They delight in the emotional distress of others, ESPECIALLY when the other people in question aren’t anybody Ren has mentally labeled as “theirs”
--They twist chaining Soren to the bed into a “reward”
--They’re willing to discard their friends at whim, as soon as it stops being convenient or entertaining for them. Also, they’re perfectly willing to get their friends arrested if it’ll suit their own ends. ALSO they isolate Lydia from her social circle and compound on her depression, making her see them as a shining light in a darkness that they, once again, caused, gaslight the fuck out of her, and have every intention of holding “sparing her” over her head
-- They punish Soren for shit that isn’t even his fault and use it as an opportunity to psychologically manipulate him further
--All of the physical abuse Ren subjects 02 to, all of the emotional manipulation, the dehumanization and degredation, plus forcing 02 to be a vouyer to Soren and Ren’s sexual acts while neither of them had any real way to consent
And that about does it! I tried not to double up on too many points, so if you go through you’ll find an instance of something in just about every paragraph, but yeah, Ren’s a nasty, nasty enby.
I love to write them but man! They are bad...
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Qrow was meant to be a punching bag (theory, V7CH12 spoilers)
tw: depression, one brief mention of suicide at the very end
Many are upset about the literal and narrative butchering of two beloved characters in RWBY V7E12. The initial and probably most popular argument against what happened is that it doesn’t make sense, why would these characters do what they did. And honestly, that reasonable reaction to the injustice was mine, too.
But now that I’ve “calmed down”, meaning I’m finally not in a whirlwind of blind rage, indignation, and devastation, I started thinking about “Why did they do that?” with some level of depth.
The answer I found is still unjust and disgusting, but at least it fell in line with something resembling logic.
Qrow enthusiasts have been complaining about his endless heartbreak. Why can’t be be happy for once? What’s the whole point in his recovery arc this volume if they’ll just scrap it? It’s like they put random tragedies on a dart board and the writers just started throwing.
Hear me out - they meant all of this. Every instance Qrow suffered is intended. They didn’t throw away his recovery arc because he was never meant to recover.
I think that they’re going to make him an antagonist at worst, or a man driven to the ultimate tragedy at best.
At this point, you’re probably like. What. Lol no. You’re as silly as the writers are.
But again, let me explain. I used to have that mindset of Qrow always being best but sad boy. A hero who just needs a chance.
There was NO way this man will ever go dark:
he probably thinks he lost summer to salem
his nieces are actively hunted by salem and her forces, and RWBY for sure ain’t changing sides
he’s always believed in the principles he has, and he’s always applied them. he’s a good Huntsman who cares, and knows his path
he believes in ruby’s determination and ability to probs save the world
But that’s the thing.
He’s ALWAYS stuck by the principles he learned from Ozpin. Betrayal after betrayal, he was crushed but managed to somehow bounce back.
This volume, he was on a good track. A good mind space. His kids are great, but then he met an equal - someone with literal plot armor against his Semblance. Misfortune is the reason why he stays away from the people he loves, why he blames himself for a lot of things, why he feels like baggage.
A person his age who could be a friend, or more. Huntsman of equal ability and maturity.
Queerbaiting aside (I’m sorry I ever used that phrase, I hate them too), Clover was a possibility. Here was a potential team partner, friend, lover, whatever, but the point is he was finally free to explore what a developing relationship is like because here’s a guy who kinda got him, and probably won’t be harmed by staying close for an extended period of time.
I think the chemistry in their fights solidified this too. Clover was someone who didn’t get in trouble by being at his side (except the first time in the mines, and Clover took it in stride and still succeeded).
Even better, Clover actually vocalizes that hey, it’s okay.
He doesn’t dismiss Qrow’s semblance, but he encourages Qrow to let go of the guilt a bit, that he’s worth more than his bad luck, and can continue to work around it.
Qrow was nowhere near full recovery, but he was definitely on the way with a bit of Clover’s help. Later, my precious man finally smiles for real... not his smirk or sad smiles to Ruby. He’s smiling for the enjoyment of the moment and things are looking up!
(slightly sorry for the gif below)
(V7CH12 gifs would be appropriate from here on, but I am NOT doing that to myself)
So what’s the point, Robiness? We all know how THAT story goes. Qrow gets trauma because it’s shown to him, yet again, that his Semblance fucks up the good things, that even someone with the most potential to be safe ISN’T. Not around him.
The whole crash was OOC, rushed and bad writing, whatever. But why did it happen?
Qrow is basically the poster boy for mental health in this show. He’s depressed, and to him AND to the outside world, he’s right in thinking he’s only going to hurt people. He’s been proven right, many times, that he is bad luck.
What’s different this time?
He didn’t have hope, the other times he was let down. He had hope for humanity, yes, and that he can somehow contribute to saving it.
But he’s never had hope for himself, that he could be more than his Semblance. Clover’s character gave that to him. He was already trying to quit drinking, but that was for Ruby and the other kids, and by extension their mission, but not for himself.
When CRWBY killed that hope, it killed anything inside of Qrow that could’ve thought that he could be a hero. Or even simply better than he was before.
He’s crushed, his mind is clouded. As Clover died, he wanted to kill Tyrian, then he wanted James to fall. The legal type of justice wouldn’t be enough to assuage his need for vengeance.
And he’s alone. Perhaps about to be arrested, I don’t know. But every other time he’s been crushed, he had the kids around to divert the attention even a little bit. But this time, there’s no one to help him process and move past this. No positivity from Ruby, no scolding from Yang to keep it together. No one.
If you’ve ever had mental illnesses, you could probably imagine being alone in that fragile state of mind.
And you know who’s the most likely to know where the heck he is and that he’s going through something? His sister, Raven, because of her Semblance.
Details have been important in how RWBY is told to the audience (though they retract when convenient lol). Sometimes, this includes release dates. February is the last month of winter, slowly turning into spring. Yes, I mean the Spring maiden.
Let’s talk about Raven.
She’s angry at her brother, also for feelings of betrayal. He betrayed their tribe, their values, everything they stood for. He left her, his sister. He chose Ozpin’s mission over her, even though their original plan was to just infiltrate Beacon to learn how to kill Huntsmen better.
This means she remembers a boy that had the same ideas and supported her and their family. I don’t think she can accept that this Qrow, the one we know, is her actual brother, how he should be. When it comes to Qrow, I think what matters to her the most is proving that she was right all along, that they should’ve just stuck together and kept to their practices.
And Qrow, regardless of the spring bit, if he encounters her as he is now... could easily believe that she was right. After all, the facts to him are:
He can’t escape his Semblance, ever.
He needs vengeance for Clover, because his death was his fucking fault. His attempt to deescalate the fight (leaving Harbinger in the snow) didn’t matter, because his bad luck won in the end.
A plausible 3. Doing things “the good way” “the right way” is never going to cut it for him because he is walking misfortune. Something will always go wrong.
So why not drop all fucks and go ahead full-force?
His mind isn’t in its best state right now, and all his decisions will of course be emotional.
We’ve known Qrow from point A depression to point B somewhat recovery to point C the last fucking straw. I think it’s something to consider that we’ve never heard anything about his youth, except that he used to believe in the brutality of their tribe. He never mentions it, and we don’t know anything about the circumstances that made him change, beyond “Ozpin gave him a place”.
He gave up his heritage just to be proven that brutality would have protected his loved ones better.
So yes, the punching bag theme, the endless misery, Clover’s death - all these are most likely building up to that shift in his character. We thought the eventual character shift would just be his recovery, but since that was scrapped, the only other way that makes sense is that he’s going to regress into someone that cannot be saved.
He’s not going to switch sides. He’s not going to stop loving his kids. He’s probably never going to join Salem.
But his methods will be more ruthless now, driven by heartbreak and rage and self-hatred. God knows how he’ll deal with anyone in his way. He’s not going to fucking listen. He listened to Clover, and where did that get him?
This way, the violent, straightforward way he used to know, this would protect his kids more efficiently, even if they don’t want him to go down that path. He’d probably leave them to protect them, and to be unhindered in his corner of the war.
He’ll think that this - to be a rage-filled killing machine - would be the best case scenario for him and the rest of the world. Kind of like how he followed RNJR from a distance, killing all the Grimm that could get in their way.
We thought he was a broken man before, but this has been escalating. It’s been probably planned out since before.
If you’re not convinced yet, remember:
RWBY loves literature parallels.
Leo Lionheart changed, and gave in to fear. The Cowardly Lion.
James Ironwood, the Tin Man, has proven that he’s thrown away his heart.
Qrow Branwen, the Scarecrow, was always fucking destined to lose his mind.
I don’t know what will happen after, what kind of sick tragic death he’ll end up with. Since they’re romanticizing his suffering so much, he’ll probably end up killing himself after his work’s done.
I have no idea how the details will go, but I’m pretty sure this is the path the writers will take. There is just no other reason I can fathom as to why they keep hurting my man. I want to be wrong, but I can’t think of anything else, unless some deus ex machina shit happens in the finale, but hell if I’m ever trusting CRWBY again.
And yeah, as a depressed person who relates to and loves Qrow, the idea of the message of “it’s never going to get better” fucking sucks.
#rwby#rwby theory#qrow branwen#clover ebi#i havent stopped being angry its just that im less incapacitated and more directed in my rage now#fair game#meta
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nostalgia
i haven't logged into this app in years, no one will see this but i need to put this out there because i am sad and lonely and this gives me the illusion that someone else will see it. Hi, i am 18 years old and very very sad. i remember being 14 years old, i had no idea how to dress, how to do makeup, or how to curl my hair but i wore my areopostle with pride and my messy eyeliner with confidence. i knew i had anxiety because i had been searching my whole life for a word to describe why i was like this. i had a best friend. she was my everything, i have never been that close with someone else, we were always over at her house, we had sleepovers many many late night hang outs, we always did each others makeup and hair, we shared a wardrobe and we took so many pictures. she was there for me the night my grade 8 boyfriend broke my hear, she was there when i felt anxious, she held my hand when i was shaking, she covered for me when i had panic attacks. she was wonderful. all those things in retrospect may seem like they are so trivial but they are not. when you are that small, your world is fragile. everything you know can be changed in one minute. every emotion is so new and undiscovered. those were some of the worst days of my life as well. middle school is hell. for context right now i am a mentally ill, poor college student but middle school? that shit is hard. i was made fun of all the time, she was essentially the only person i trusted, i was living in a home that wasn’t helpful to me and no one looked out for me. my best friend and her mom did so much. so why did we stop talking? honestly its hard to say. she was one year younger than me so most of our time together was because we skated together. i switched schools in grade 9 which is when i started to feel depressed. I lost contact with every single person i knew from my hometown. that transitional period in my life is so blurry i can only pull out a few memories. i cant remember what the last thing i said to her was or the last time i saw her. i still follow her on Instagram. she was shaped by the people around her and ended up not attending her own graduation because these girls her age were toxic to her. she has a long term boyfriend and they want to get married in a few years, she bought into a pyramid scheme and will probably never leave this small town. i wonder if she ever thinks of me. i think i still hold a lot of love for her. i hope she can find peace and happiness and i hope she can find the courage to dig deeper and reject people who don’t treat her well. life is hard in small towns. her brothers beast friend and my old coworker took his life last year. her brother dropped out of school. she stopped skating.
all i can say is life gets fucked. life gets hard. But people will ebb and flow. and the starkness and harshness of life isn't such a hard blow when your world is a little bigger and you are a little stronger.
so here is a letter to my old best friend and reminder to me that life will never be easy but its better than the 7th grade
best friends are not always forever
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TW; suicide, trauma, self harm, EDs etc
I am going to kill myself. I’m not sure when, or exactly how but it’s going to happen sooner or later. I’ve had this feeling for years. When I was a young preteen I had no intentions or belief that I would ever make it to 18 years old, much less 21 and now 22 coming up. Suicide has been an option in the back of my head for a very long time. Yes, I have good moments, sometimes entire good days, but they don’t come without the absolutely horrendous, streak of bad days. Or even weeks, sometimes months. Days where I can’t seem to keep my eyes open because being awake is too difficult to cope with, even with my trauma nightmares and whatever other horrors visit me in the night. I am forever, perpetually exhausted. A lot of people would say that that’s normal. That’s life. It’s not. It shouldn’t be. Not to the extent that it is for me.
To anyone that might stumble upon this, if anyone at all reads this, don’t listen to that shit. Life is a lot of things, and yes the fact that bad and good days will come in life is a fact for everyone. That is so incredibly different when you are mentally ill or otherwise neurodivergent. When you have C-PTSD/PTSD, or depression or anxiety, or DID, or an eating disorder etc etc good days come so few and far between. Almost to the point where we start to feel like having a good day is a reason for punishment; a punishment that would mean the following of some pretty harsh lows.
I’ve been in the worst state of mental health in the entirety of my life. I have severe C-PTSD, atypical anorexia, agoraphobia among other issues and it cripples me. I can’t be intimate with someone i’ve loved for almost 3 years now because everytime I do, I get flashbacks and regress shortly after dissociating. I can’t leave the house because i’m terrified of men. I’m afraid of strangers looking at me, talking to me, standing too close to me, touching me. I’m afraid of what they’ll think of me, or what they don’t think of me, whether i’m noticeable because i’m someone they’re attracted to or someone whose fat or ugly or look like they should be in a psych ward because of their self harm scars. I’m afraid of being seen as attractive for fear of their advances. I’m afraid of being seen as unattractive because i feel like no one will love me if i’m not.
I am sitting here after a flashback and panic attacks that had shocked my body so harshly that i became so weak and numb that i toppled over in a heap on the floor, unable to move, breathe, see or hear anything except for static. I am numb. I am sedated, thanks to emergency medication. I am tired.
I’m so tired of being this fucking damaged and broken beyond repair. Every step forward is followed my 3 steps back and I am going nowhere. My psychologist has said that I am mentally unfit to work at this time while in treatment because i am unable to cope just waking up every day. Yet i am being pushed and pushed to get a job. I AM trying. I have gone to interview after interview, had panic attack after panic attack, and have had no luck.
My self harm has gotten more severe. My mindset is shifting and I can feel it. It terrifies me. The impulsivity and constant stream of intrusive thoughts screaming at me in my head is enough to make me want to mutilate myself to the point where i need stitches or Ill simply bleed out and die. I’ve planned a means to kill my self. I intend on following through with it, I don’t know when, but it feels like it might be soon.
I don’t know how much more I can cope with. Things are going to get worse, I know they are. I’m too exhausted to explain everything, but I know for a fact they will when certain things start happening. Everyone I live with is better off without me, i’m a massive burden to everyone, especially my boyfriend. He deserves someone who isn’t so shattered and fragile as i am. He deserves someone strong who can look after themselves AND him, because god knows he needs support as well.
I feel like this is going to be it for me. I am going to overdose at some point. I know I will. It’s only a matter of time before I snap, and I feel like I can’t tell anyone because no one will take me seriously.
I need help. I wish someone could just fucking help me.
#tw selfharm#tw cptsd#tw trauma#tw suicude#tw#ptsd tw#suicide#selfharm#trauma#cptsd#ptsd#actually cptsd#actually ptsd#actuallytraumatized#personal rant#vent#personal vent#rant
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