#i lost 30 lbs and then. nothing since may. and i do not know why.
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The thing is, I’m not entirely sure I remember how to dream. How to write. How to imagine anything independently of a world created by someone else, in their mind.
I’ve grown so used to hanging my dreams on what other people have created for me that I don’t know if that person is still in there.
That weird little girl, who peeled acorns for squirrels, and walked in circles over and over and over again on the roots of the big oak tree. She had a big imagination. She told herself all sorts of stories.
Was it just because I couldn’t play the other games? Too slow - reflexes and running. Too weak - climbing, throwing, running, playing.
(Or was it because I wasn’t allowed to — couldn’t — play those games? I have a few dim memories of trying to play and being sent away. They’re dim though. I stopped asking.)
Or was it simply that I was filling time? Waiting until I could go back into a world I could navigate a little better than the playground?
Sometimes, though, I was waiting. Hoping, really.
More than a few times.
A lot.
I hoped, I thought, maybe - maybe if I walk in the right way, I’ll hear the trees laughing, like Anne told Diana about. Maybe they’ll talk to me. Maybe a faerie will come creeping out from a little crevice and wave, winking. Maybe a squirrel will come crawling down the wrinkled bark while I watch, and take the little heap of acorn meat I’d left for him. Maybe there’s a tiny scrap of magic somewhere in the world that I just haven’t found yet.
I haven’t had dreams for a long time. That’s what happens when your dreams have expiration dates. I’ve already missed most of mine.
Never really even came close.
I had a “schedule” that makes me want to cry to think of it. Meet someone in college or shortly after. Get married by 25, so we would have a few years together after college. Have our first child by 27, because mom always said I should start having babies by 30 if I really wanted to have more than one and space them out.
I’m 28. I’ve never had a real relationship with anyone, romantic or platonic. I’ve never had a best friend who would place me on the same importance as I would them.
I have borderline personality disorder. I have adhd. I am on the autism spectrum. I have depression and anxiety so severe they cripple me. More than one of these things may be false. The symptoms are nearly indistinguishable once you have more than 2. No one will give me a straight answer, and no two doctors can agree.
Added onto years of emotional and mental abuse - which is what it was, wasn’t it. Maybe because I’m autistic, maybe it really was that bad. Neglect, sure. Public humiliation, that happened too, I’m pretty sure. Being told flat out that I was stupid and fat and ugly and I was lucky to have any friends at all so maybe I should just shut up and sit down before I ended up with none.
I’m pretty sure that happened. I don’t really remember it though. I don’t really have any memories at all.
Supposedly that’s something that happens with “complex post traumatic stress disorder,” which generally crops up when a person is systematically ground down for a long time until there is nothing left but the stories they told themselves when they tried to explain to the fake audience in their head who they were. How they got that way.
I don’t know who I was, who I could have been if I hadn’t had the life I did. Maybe my memories are skewed.
My therapist didn’t seem to think so, but she also sometimes seemed to think I was full of shit. That’s probably me reading too much into things again. That’s what I do.
Was it really that bad? I remember a lot of screaming, and crying, and hiding, and wishing I was dead or that someone would just hit me already so I would have something to say, to tell people other than “they yell at me and make me cry and sometimes they grab my arms and shake me and sometimes they tell me they’ll throw me out onto the street to fend for myself and sometimes they tell me they love me so much they’re so sorry and then sometimes they cry”.
But how much of that was me? How much was that my perception of things? Am I really that crazy, or have I really been gaslit that much? Is it gaslighting if they didn’t even realize how much pain they caused you, which is why they say “it wasn’t that bad stop exaggerating”?
Did I imagine all of it?
If I did, if I didn’t, what was real? What had the weight I felt it carry? What should have been a minor blip in my life but instead metastasized into a catastrophe?
I don’t know. Maybe I never knew. Reality hasn’t ever been my friend.
Fantasy is so much better.
It’s painful now, though. To read some of these stories, these books I used to adore.
Stories about Mature Adult Women of 25! Whole! Years! Going on adventures and meeting their soulmates and having wonderful happy lives.
I’m spiraling. It’s late. I’m tired and a little high, wishing I was higher and maybe I wouldn’t be so bored.
Bilbo was middle aged, wasn’t he? When he went on his adventure? He had an adventure, and then he came home and had a long, rich, happy, lonely, bitter life. Hmm. Perhaps the one ring is not the best foundation for a guiding principle.
I went to law school because I’d come to the end of every plan I actually had. (You don’t really plan for a future when you’ve been suicidal since before puberty.) I figured I’d get to read and write at least reasonably interesting things, make good money, maybe even make a difference.
I’ve been a paralegal for the same law firm I worked for right out of college for two years now and I have never felt more like a shambling corpse.
When I graduated from college, I couldn’t get a job. Could I have tried harder? Sure. Is executive dysfunction a bitch? You bet.
So I worked for a family friend’s law firm. Personal injury and medical malpractice. She’s the mother of my older sister’s oldest best friend and has employed all of my mother’s three daughters.
She’s also a heinous bitch and a terrible boss. Her employees have a shelf life of about 2 years. I’ve hit my expiration date. Once you’ve audibly cried during a phone conference, you’re really near the bottom. Once she decides you suck at your job, there’s no coming back. Either you quit or you get fired. She prefers when people quit so she can blame them and not feel guilty. So she just increasingly treats people worse and worse until they quit in self defense.
I worked for her for a year. It was awful. I became an alcoholic and gained 25+ lbs.
I decided to go to law school.
I moved to New Orleans.
I made friends. I had an apartment all to myself. I had a life I actually enjoyed.
Then I graduated.
And I couldn’t get a job again.
(Of course, all of this is underpinned with my cyclical periods of intense illness, often accompanied by being hospitalized and missing long periods of school. In college and in law school, actually.)
(All the cocaine and drinking didn’t help either.)
(Ah, New Orleans. How I miss thee.)
So I ended up at the same firm again. Living with my parents. Again.
Then I passed the bar.
Now I’m doing the same work as my younger sister, for the same amount of money. (When she graduated from her masters program and was unemployed for 6 months, I convinced my boss to hire my younger sister again, and my sister to work for my boss again after a semi-disastrous summer job.)
(To be fair, while I’m technically a licensed attorney, she has a masters in education, so it’s not like there’s a massive education disparity here.)
(It doesn’t help that I’m barred in a different jurisdiction than the one my firm typically works in, so there aren’t any cases I can really work on as an attorney, and then on top of that my bosses don’t want to pay for malpractice insurance for me so I’m not allowed to practice as an attorney or put that I’m an attorney or call myself an attorney or even put in my letterhead that I’m licensed in the District of Columbia.)
Then there was a pandemic, and I decided I probably shouldn’t try to make a huge life change during a pandemic.
The pandemic is still fucking here. Nearly. Two. Years. Later.
So I guess I have to make a new plan.
Can I be a lawyer? I guess we’ll see.
I don’t really want to, though. I’m burned out and I wasn’t even practicing.
I want to move to a beach and write a novel and actually have a life I enjoy.
The problems with this plan are numerous. Not only is inertia an incredibly powerful enemy of mine, but I’ve lost all imagination.
I cannot imagine a future in which I am happy. Will I kill myself? Probably not, at least not for a long while. I’ve thought too long and hard about the long-lasting, far-reaching repercussions it would have. (Say what I will about my family, at least it’s always been clear that my death is NOT an acceptable outcome.)
I want to find my imagination again. I want to be able to imagine not only a future in which I am happy, but other futures, other worlds. I want to be able to dream, not only for me, not only for reality, but for unreality. I want to create worlds in my mind again, and allow them to take whatever shapes they wish.
I don’t know if I can. I don’t know if all those horrible teachers, all those “peer editors” in fucking elementary school were right, and my story ideas are hackneyed and overwrought.
Wouldn’t it be nice, though, if they were wrong. Wouldn’t it be nice, to start writing, and to find that my imagination didn’t go so very far.
It’s been hiding in the intertwined branches of a birch grove, slim and tall and ringing with laughter. In the space between stars. Down the path shaded with wisteria and jasmine and honeysuckle, where the scent and the heat and the humidity are so thick you can feel the heavy perfume coating your lungs. Tucked away, safe, waiting to peek out. Waiting to creep down the wrinkled bark of a huge old oak and wink at the little girl playing among its roots.
I hope it is there. I hope I can find it.
I’ll keep you posted.
This is my own personal void to yell into, after all.
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A New Dream Chapter 2
Chapter 2
I psyched myself up got dressed and headed towards the kitchen. Thankfully I knew where it was not only from watching the show but from the noises coming from one location. I couldn’t help but smiles. Despite being transported to the One Piece world and having my whole image changed, I was happy. I love this world and the people in it. So I entered the kitchen with a very big smile on my face.
“Sam darling here take a seat.” Sanji says trying his best to be a sauve gentleman.
“Thank you.” I reply getting comfortable. I look around the room to the faces of the crew. It was so unreal to see them all in the flesh. Brook does get up and walk over to me.
“No Brook. You cannot see them.” I say before he gets to me.
“But I didn’t say anything.” He replied looking heartbroken.
“Remember when I said I know everything? I know what you say to girls and more often to Nami. So no.” I remind him. Brook than sits in the corner with a cloud of sadness around him. The rest of the crew began to laugh. It was so infectious that I joined in. It felt so good to just laugh after everything. They begin to stop laughing as Sanji starts handing food to Nami, Robin, and myself.
“Tell us more about yourself.” Robin says picking up her wine. I take a bit of the food and can’t help but sigh in happiness. The food always looked so good on tv but it tastes even better in real life?
“My name is Sam and I am 27? My birthday in my world is March 30th but I don’t know what day it is. I am one of four kids, all girls.” I say taking another bite of food and taking a sip of wine.
“Must have been tough on your old man.” Franky said before chugging some cola.
“If it was he never said anything about it. Dad loves us and is happy he had daughters.” I say trying to not sound mean.
“Why do you like Zoro so much?” Luffy says with a mouthful of food. The whole room goes silent again. I feel my face getting red again. Goddamn it Luffy! Why did you have to ask that question.
“Don’t ask the lady a stupid question.” Sanji said kicking Luffy on top of his head. I put my hands in my lap and just looked at them. I was never good with facing my feelings or the people I have feelings for. I am awkward and just stop talking. Besides Zoro, based on what I have seen, is probably not interested in a relationship. There are so many things he wants to do. One of which is to make Luffy the king of the pirates. But I couldn’t help having a little bit of hope. I was in a different body in this strange world, maybe there was a chance.
“You don’t have to answer that right now, Sam.” Nami says also punching Luffy on the head. I couldn’t help but think I was going to have to answer her later.
“I like all of you. For different reason. Jimbei is my second favorite because of what you have done for Luffy.” I cheerfully say smiling at him.
“Thank you for your kind words but I only did what I thought was right.” Jimbei states proudly bowing his head a bit.
“Still that whole battle showed me good characteristic of people as well as bad. It still makes me sad thinking about what was lost.” I reply with sadness filling my voice. I felt tears begin to form as I remembered Ace and Whitebeard dying because of Blackbeard. Thinking of Blackbeard I began to get angry. No pissed is the better word. If only Whitebeard turned him away everyone would be alive. But at the same time I have this feeling that things would have been different and not in a good way. I sigh. This world is harsh.
“Are you okay Sam?” Chopper asked looking concern.
“Yeah it just has been so much. I feel happy and sad.” I truthfully say picking back up my fork to start eating again.
“I have a favor to ask.” I ask having finished my meal.
“What do you need?” Luffy ask sounding kind of serious. I had everyone’s attention so I might as well ask. What is the worst that can happen? Though I hated asking anything of anyone. I felt that I was being selfish whenever I would ask, but that wasn’t true. By me not asking I would get stepped on. I was not going to let myself be like the old me. No one was going to take this away from me.
“Since my body has changed I wanted to see if anything else changed. Normally I am not very strong plus I was kind of hoping that I ate a Devil Fruit.” I laugh. It sounded so stupid but what if. I always thought if I could live in this world I would have eaten a Devil Fruit.
“I don’t see why not. Hey Zoro bring down some weights.” Luffy says getting up. I quickly follow the group to the deck of the Sunny. Zoro had grabbed some of his smaller weights which were still bigger than anything I had ever lifted. In my old world I was only able to life up a 15 lbs weight. I was kind of already regretting this decision. No I was not going to back down. Not now and never again.
I walk over to the smallest weight, again not that small. Everyone was looking at me seeing what I would do. I took in a deep breath and reached for the weight. Grasping the metal bar in my hand I start lifting. To my surprise it did not feel heavy. I managed with ease to lift the weight over my head. I set the weight back down and took a step back.
“Well.” I say looking very much shocked. I just lifted a weight that I never could have from my old world. I look at my hands thinking what the fuck am I now. It seems that with this new body there were more possibilities to me now.
“I am guessing from your expression that that was not normal.” Robin calmly states while everyone else is looking different modes of shock.
“Absolutely not. I could barely life weights and suddenly I can lift Zoro’s? Something happened and I don’t know what that was.” I reply trying to think of what could have one transported me to this world and two gave me this body. I wonder what else it could have given me.
“There does seem to a mysterious force at work.” Robin commented.
“You guys are surprised by that? Why this one time…” Usopp started to say but I cut him off.
“Not now Usopp.” Usopp looked like I had just kicked his puppy. I was not in the mood for one of his lies or stories. I have been taken from my home and given an entirely new body. I was freaking out. Plus Zoro is real! My heart cannot handle that fact.
“Sam you’re getting red again.” Chopper pointed at my face.
“It’s nothing Chopper. I am fine.” I told him trying to think of anything to get rid of my blush. Nami looked at the sky and got a very concerned look on her face.
“Guys there is bad storm coming our way. We will have to see if you have a Devil fruit power later Sam.” Nami told me. I nodded and started to head inside when something knocked into the Sunny. Everyone stopped and went over to the rail to see what it was. I stood next to Zoro not because I wanted to but because that was how we were walking to the cabin. Once again the boat rocked really hard. I was leaning too far over and fell. I hit the water and it was like all my energy was taken away. ‘It looks like I have devil fruit powers’ I thought as I slowly sank to the bottom of the ocean. The short air I had swallowed was gone and soon darkness began to block my vision. Just before I blacked out I saw a figure swimming towards me. Before they reached me I blacked out.
Editor’s note: This is the second chapter. The first chapter is better but I still like this one too. This may be a slow update as I write when I am inspired. So I hope you are patient with me. But I promise to do the best I can! I hope you enjoy this chapter!
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SO I WATCHED RISE OF THE SKYWALKER. And I have mixed feelings. Especially cause I’m not a fan of reylo. They’re 2nd cousins. But ANYWAY I have created and alternative ending to all this with my OC.
So background: her name is Kitana Fett. She’s the second child of Boba Fett, the bounty hunter. She has an older sister in the jewelry trade business. She was a roguish bounty hunter who used daggers and a spear since she wasn’t as good as her father. She ends up looking for the Map in the force awakens. She and Poe get caught up in the Kylo mess. That’s how she ends up with him. She becomes the first orders official bounty hunter until Kylo and Snoke realize she’s force sensitive which would make sense because her mother was a Jedi-turned to the dark side Chiss, those red eyed blue skinned ppl. She’s looks human however as she can switch back and forth but chooses to stay human unless her body undergoes stress. So they turn her into an apprentice for Kylo. Hux and Kitana hate each other. Her and Kylo fall in love and all that jazz. Kitana finds out she has a force scream, rare and powerful. That makes her go crazy from the dark side influenece after months of training. She becomes Lady Sion. She becomes almost sith level crazy eventually and Snoke puts her into quaretined sleep basically. Last Jedi happens. Kylo kills Snoke. Whole “curse is broken.” Sion is free and rules as commander of the first order and Kylo becomes supreme leader. They marry and other things. Yada yada. ANYWAYS.
Alternate ending to RoSkywalker
With my OC
So Kitana/Sion finds the helmet. She touches it after it calls to her. She finds out the truth just as REN did. She realized that she was also apart of the plan. Ren needed someone to keep him to the dark and that’s what she was. His anchor. Now that she realizes the truth of her turn to the dark side. She hears of traitors in the ship.
(So switch out hux for her)
She kills hux and the troopers. Especially since hux did her absolutely dirty in years past. She helps the crew back to the falcon. Finn asks why is he helping and she says “I found the truth. Of everything. With Rey, with Kylo, with palpatine. I’ve lost myself. A bounty hunter never forgets who they are. This is the way” Finn realizes and thanks her. Finn tells Poe she was a bounty hunter in the ship.
Fast forward to the battle on the Death Star. Sion and Finn run towards them but both of them push them back as they are a distraction. Jannah holds them both back as there is nothing they can do.
Rey impales Kylo and Kitana feels it through the force. She screams “NOOOOO” as she was already far back with Poe and Jannah. And in tears, breaking down in front of everyone. She feels the force come back as Rey heals him and runs back to Kylo who is now Ben.
After Ben throws his saber away, she shouts out to him as Ben. He turns around. She runs to him and hugs him tight crying. She looks up and sees in his eyes and even as close as they are. “Ben....” “I know. I’m sorry. I’m sorry what I did to you. I’m sorry of everything I put you through. What palpatine put you through. What smoke put you through. I’m sorry about your parents. I felt them through you. I know about Rey. What he has planned, what he did to us, to me. It may seem like it was fake to u but our love was real. As Kylo and Sion, our love is real. As us now, our love is real. No one can take that away. I will always be right with you.” As she puts her hand on his cheek. “Sion...” he starts to say. “. Kitana” she corrects them. “Kitana Skywalker.”
Fast forward so instead of just him, it’s the both of them. Kylo doesn’t have his saber just his blaster. They run into the knights of Ren. “Oh fucking great.” -Kitana
They try to fight, Kitana doesn’t have her lightsaber anyone due to the same reason and has her old staff and daggers. “Lightsaber would be nice right now wouldn’t you think?” -Kitana
Enter here that whole Rey Ben thing. “Oh well call me a glavardon”
“You don’t shut up do you?” “You act like you didn’t know this before you married me?” and proceed fighting.
Ben splits up and goes for Rey taking down shit. And they both try to take him on. As Palpatine tries to take them out and realizes of their strength together. Kitana gains as much strength as she can, showing her true form as a chiss. Deep blue skin and red eyes. Her white hair from sith power to her black natural hair. from behind, force screams to break some of his equipment and take down the guards, even breaking some of the arena dome there in. Throwing daggers as well however the stop in mid air due to him. He uses the force and pulls Kitana over from behind towards them, as she grows Incredibles weak after. “ a force screamer. So rare. So POWERful. But so weak minded. How well of a Sith u would have become?” He sends the daggers back towards her. Stabbing her in the heart especially. Ben and Rey scream “Nooooo”. Palpatine sends her towards them as Ben runs and crawls to her side. Just as Kitana felt Ben, it was in Reverse. Kylo is in full on tears. Holding her head up and rocking her in his chest, pushing her head back. Kitana looking up at him, raising her hand to his cheek. “ Ben... I lov..” “ I know” he interrupts her. “I know” Kitana smiles as they communicate through the force. Kylo kisses her passionately as she dies. ( UGH NOT MY BABY). Palatine caries on with his plan and takes the life force myirad byraid thing out of them and it all continues the same EXCEPT
That disgusting ass kiss. They cousins man. Anyway instead of the kiss they touch foreheads. Kylo whispers into her ear. “Endor. LB 5-5”with his dying breath. She looks at him and he and he sends a type of map to her brain as he dies (NOT MY OTHER BABY MY HUSBAND) so instead of going straight to the main base. She flys past it. She feels a small force of energy of grief. It takes her back to the base planet but not so far away from it. They see from the ground she’s going past base and Finn and Poe follow it. Rey lands in a large wooded area with a large supposed rock. As it actually was a bunker. Going out to the door. She sees a keypad and types in LB 55. The door opens and find toys everywhere. Food and things scattered. A droid deactivated in the corner. Looking around, she hears movement and sees two small children. Rey is a taken back. “ I’m not hear to hurt you...” she puts her saber down. “ I’m Rey” a girl gasps. “Rey?!” She runs out and hugs her. Rey is astonishing taken back. Not knowing who these kids are. “Mummy and Papa said you would come!” The little girl said, still hugging. Rey becomes confused. Not putting the pieces fully together. “ what is your name?” She looks down at the girl and examines closely. The little girl had a long nose, and freckles with a tanned skin complexion (cause Kitana was a dark Polynesian -I think PRINCESS..cause Ben was a prince). She had long curly hair from what it looked like in the ponytail it was in. Her eyes were brown. “I’m Lei-Han! I’m five!” She raised up her hand to Rey,. She had a blue speckle on her hand. “ Leí-Han....Leía and Han...L” she said, out loud. She looked quickly at the other child who was slowly coming out of the dark. “And what is your name?” He hestitantly came out of the light, sucking his thumb. He was almost a carbon copy of Ben. “Boba...” the pieces were put together. These were Ben and Kitana’s kids. Ben and Kitana sent them there after Rey and the crew landed on the ship to keep them safe from everyone and everything. Boba was the name of a bounty hunter, she remembered. As she thought, Ben has named the girl after his parents, that must mean that she also named him to, after her father. Her father was Boba Fett. She was a bounty hunter. A bounty hunter before everything. “B..” as she understood the code. L.B. Lei-Han and Boba. 5 -5. How old they are. 5 and 5. Meaning they were twins. “Where mommy and papa?” Boba asked. Reys face sank. She knew they must have felt it. As she saw in his eyes, he felt it. They were both force sensitive. They must have felt the connection. But they were young. They wouldn’t have know. “ on a very important mission...and they told me to tell you that they love you so very much” Rey said, grabbing Lei-Han’s hand. “Now...lets bring you home” she reaches out for Boba. Hestitanely he takes it.
So it continues to the end and when leía and Luke show up. ANAKIN,BEN, AND KITANA show up. Cause Anakin and Ben deserved to be there not gunna lie.
So I apologize for the sporadic writing and errors and shit detail cause I typed this as broad as I could since I needed to get my thoughts onto some type of paper. Also since I wrote this not even 30 minutes after watching the movie lol. I probably will post my smaller fics I have about Kitana. So y’all can Get better detail idk
#star wars#star warsrof#rise of skywalker#kylo ren#ocs#luke skywalker#leia skywalker#han solo#rey of jakku#rey#finn#poe dameron#finnpoe#empire strikes back#last jedi#the force awakens#fanfic#poc!reader#poc representation#may the fourth be with you#c3p0#r2d2#han and chewie#chewbacca#darth vader#chancellor palpatine#emperor palpatine#senator palpatine#rey palpatine#ben solo
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TAFAKKUR: Part 47
Dieting While You Are Healthy
The first step in preventive medicine is to diet while you are healthy. If you are already sick, the diet will prevent the sickness from getting worse; it will support the immune system and the medications. A proper diet when you are healthy will make it less likely you will get sick.
A proper diet differs from person to person. It’s important to design your diet according to the genetic map of your family and characteristics of your body. By “dieting” I do not mean being undernourished, but eating a healthy balance of nutrients to supply your body’s daily energy needs. Balance is important, for if a person only eats protein, fat, or carbohydrates, after a while, the body’s organs can start to deteriorate.
Here are some aspects that should be taken into consideration while designing your personal diet:
Personalizing the diet
Not everyone should have the same diet. People come in different shapes and sizes, and they have different genetic makeups. A person must know how their body responds to certain foods. They must identify whether they (or their family) is prone to gain weight, whether they have a depressive or a nervous personality, or whether there is a family history of certain diseases, like diabetes, heart disease, or cancer. Families that are genetically susceptible to heart attacks should eat vegetables and fruits instead of too much protein or foods high in fats.
Maintaining an ideal weight range is important. While certain foods should be eaten in smaller amounts, this does not mean eating nothing. For instance, if a person has diabetes, they can’t have too much sugar – but no sugar is also bad for them.
A person who works hard outdoors will have a different diet from a person who works in an office. Some people are allergic to certain foods. Other people have a low basal metabolism or suffer from psychological distress. Food preferences also change according to cultures: a preferred food in one society may not be accepted in another.
Determining your ideal weight
Each person’s ideal weight is different. It differs depending on a person’s height, as well as the weight of their fatty tissues, muscles, and bones. A rough way to figure out your ideal weight is to add or subtract five from the last two digits of your height in centimeters. For example, someone who is 180 cm (5.90 feet) tall should weigh between 75-85 kg (165-187 lb). The most important thing is to set a healthy, ideal weight, and stick to it for life. Going over your ideal weight can lead to obesity and a slew of other health problems.
Determining body mass index
Obesity means an extreme excess of fat in a person’s body. Therefore, if your ideal weight is 60 kg (132 lb.) but you weigh 80 kg (176 lb.), knowing how much of the excess 20kg is fat or muscle is possible by determining your body mass index. If this excess of 20 kg (44 lb.) is 5 kg (11 lb.) of muscle and 15 kg (33 lb.) of fat, you can lose 15 kg of excess fat with a better diet and exercise. Losing mass from one’s muscles is harmful to the body, as it causes protein loss. Protein loss shouldn’t happen while you’re also losing weight.
The basal metabolic rate
This is the total energy, per 24 hours, that one expends while at rest. This changes according to a person’s physiological and biochemical structure. 30% of basal metabolism is used by the liver, 19% by the brain, and 18% by the skeletal muscles. Those with higher muscle mass index have a higher basal metabolism. If fewer calories are taken in than the basal metabolism needs, weight is lost; if more calories are taken in, weight is gained. Those with a higher basal metabolic rate lose weight much easier. One must take this rate into consideration when building their ideal diet.
Climate
Climate has an effect on one’s organs and metabolism. A change in climate conditions changes the energy demands on the body. The colder the climate, the more calories one needs. Gastrointestinal diseases are common in Siberian children who have diet-related malnutrition. Conversely, those living near the poles are less likely to have heart and vascular diseases, even though they eat diets high in fat and protein.
Age and gender
In the elderly, losing weight can cause urinary tract infections. A child under five on a long-term, low-calorie diet is at risk of pneumonia, low blood pressure, hypocalcemia, and abdominal swelling. Supplementary micronutrients such as thiamine, folic acid, vitamins A, C, E, and K, and iron should be given, along with carbohydrates, to children suffering from malnutrition. Care should be taken not to disrupt the balance of the basic substances in the body.
Balanced diet
Unbalanced diets cause functional disorders and diseases in the organs. In high protein diets, which are preferable for terms of fat loss, especially in diabetic patients, cardiovascular and nephritic problems have been observed when the metabolism of carbohydrates and fat have deteriorated. In menopausal patients who lose weight through high protein diets there can be a significant decrease in bone density due to imbalances in protein, sodium, calcium, and potassium, which can lead to fractures.
Imbalanced diets are often accompanied by diseases. Moderately high protein diets may increase the risk of metabolic syndrome and type 2 diabetes. Low fat, high carbohydrate diets may be more suitable for these people. Instead of a single type of food, the most favored diets are those which are more complex than others.
85gr protein + 116gr fat + 360gr carbohydrate/day = high carbohydrate diet
139gr protein + 82gr fat + 181gr carbohydrate/day = high protein diet
137gr protein + 140gr fat + 42gr carbohydrate/day = high fat diet
Mixed diets do not reduce the risk of colon cancer. However, eating lots of fibrous, pulpy foods has been shown to reduce it.
Determining meal times
We eat more than we need to. True hunger is when stomach cramps begin, and this happens about 18-24 hours after one’s last meal. We should not confuse hunger and mild hunger. Mild hunger is not feeling full in the stomach. Long-term memory is facilitated in the case of mild hunger and molecular mechanisms are accelerated, and thus we become conditioned to eat at regimented times.
Physiological mealtimes should be preferred to traditional mealtimes. Foods that give energy, such as carbohydrates, proteins, and fats, can only be metabolized after a certain period of time. Since it takes the longest (8 hours) for fat to metabolize, it should be at least 8 hours between meals; otherwise, the body stores that excess fat. So someone who sleeps for 8 hours can eat two meals a day.
Duration of meals
The relationship between hunger, nutrition, eating speed, and putting on weight was studied in obese children, and it was found that the feeling of hunger and eating speed were four times higher in obese children than normal children. Therefore, that’s why they eat more and the feeling of fullness takes longer to kick in. Meals should be chewed for a long time: a brain’s satiety center only registers a feeling of fullness after around 30 minutes.
Amount of food
The volume of a normal stomach is 1000-1500 cc. It is necessary to leave space for the stomach’s contents to shake easily and for the stomach to add the enzymes and the slurries that break the food down and carry it towards the intestines. In this case, it is necessary to leave 2/3 of the stomach for water and food, and 1/3 empty. The total amount of food and water should not exceed 700-1000 cc.
Personalized workouts
Exercise strengthens muscles. During a workout, biochemical events in the body are accelerated, toxins are excreted more easily from the body, and weight is lost. Before determining a workout program, it is important to make sure there isn’t any significant abnormality in the body’s biochemistry, or an injury. For the best results, it is important to know which muscles work more in terms of energy spent during a workout. For example, the energy spent by the front thigh muscles and the forearm muscles is not the same. A workout should proceed gradually, so as not to cause injury.
Drinking enough water
The water lost by daily metabolic activities and sweating should be recovered. The amount of water consumed per resting day is 1800-2000 cc. A person will need more water if they are exercising.
A Prophetic diet
Certain religions have guidelines for which foods to eat together at the same time. For instance, in Judaism, meat and dairy products should not be cooked together; some Orthodox Jews would not combine meat and fish. Many Muslims look at the Prophet Muhammad’s (peace be upon him) diet and see that he did not eat the following kinds of food together: milk and sour food, milk and meat, or milk and eggs. He also avoided two hot or cold foods at the same time, as well as two fried or dried foods. The Prophet (pbuh) did not prefer to eat extremely hot food and said blessings would be with cooler food. Religious traditions also have certain dietary prohibitions. For instance, Judaism and Islam prohibit eating certain animals, and permitted animals have to be slaughtered according to the religious law.
Diet is an important part of one’s health, but it’s not the only factor. Health is determined by many things, including culture, genetics, education, and other lifestyle factors.
#allah#god#muhammad#prophet#sunnah#hadith#quran#ayah#islam#muslim#muslimah#hijab#help#revert#convert#reminder#religion#dua#salah#pray#prayer#welcome to islam#how to convert to islam#new muslim#new revert#new convert#revert help#convert help#islam help#muslim help
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Everyday Life in a RV
Another beautiful day in Florida! I ABSOLUTELY understand now why snow birds make their way to Florida to spend the winter. The weather here is second to none! While we arrived in Florida a little early and caught the end of summer temperatures (in November) with slightly high temperatures and incredibly high humidity, the weather has since leveled out and is practically perfect every day.
When Mark and I planned this venture, we vacillated as to whether or not we would tow a vehicle. We knew we “wanted” a vehicle and having one would be more convenient. However, we ended up settling on getting fold-able electric bikes (e-bikes) and to be inconvenienced by having to run our errands in the RV between stops or on our e-bikes. That has turned out humorous on more than one occasion.
As an example, we had issues with the drain in the RV shower and worked on that problem tirelessly. Let me rephrase, Mark worked on that problem tirelessly. My “work” involved paying for my very first “pay” shower at a park in Oklahoma where I had to choose between three showers. One had a tarantula guarding the inside of the front door. Nope. The second had a wolf spider guarding the shower floor. Nopity, nope, NOPE! The third was just right. More accurately stated, it didn’t involve any intimidating spiders or snakes so I took it. I don’t remember how much it cost, but I would have paid serious money for a decent shower that didn’t involve creatures that could kill me.
Getting back to the shower repair -- Mark got parts at three different hardware stores that didn’t end up fitting/working. So, we eventually fixed the RV in the Home Depot parking lot so we could return parts as necessary. It was hot as bejesus that day, but Mark didn’t complain. He took advantage of the return policy and got our shower back up and in running condition before we left the parking lot. While I don’t mind doing my part, I’d be happy as to not have to pay for another shower anytime soon. But let the record reflect, I’m a giver.
Between RV stop locations, we usually plan a grocery store venture and/or a Costco run. While our fridge isn’t Costco worthy by any stretch of the imagination, we do buy Costco dog food for Riley and Duke (and red wine need not be refrigerated). This particular stop we are at for a full month and while I’m not out of red wine (yet), we did need a few necessities.
On Sunday after church service, Mark and I ventured over to the local Winn-Dixie (grocery store) on our e-bikes, which is approximately three miles from our RV for some necessities. We both take our backpacks to carry groceries, but on this particular venture we needed a few more things than would fit in both of our backpacks. For example, we NEEDED the half ham that was on sale for only $10 (love those post-Thanksgiving sales)!! Also, diet Coke was on sale, buy two 12-packs get one for free! Our backpacks were full of salad, coffee creamer and other necessities, so I convinced Mark it wouldn’t be a problem to bungee cord anything else down to the back rack on our bikes. He was a willing participant as long as he could get his diet Coke. This is a picture of Mark with the half of a ham and one pack of diet Coke. While this picture doesn’t represent the “Clampett look” I was sporting with the other two diet coke 12-packs AND groceries, it does give you an idea of how humorous such a simple thing as grocery shopping can be.
Much of the rest of any given day is like everyone else’s, EXCEPT looking for stuff. We have such a small amount of space and we kept very few things. However, nothing is more frustrating than knowing you have something and in 31 feet of space, you can’t find it. Many times I’ll be looking for something, like the dog’s nail clippers. I know I have one ... but where in the 42 bazillion little containers, cabinets or under storage compartments it is, I have no clue. I’ve lost these dumb dog nail clipper thingies TWICE now. I don’t know what is up with that, but I’ve noticed that on a rig this size, that tends to happen. You know it exists. You know it’s in your possession...somewhere. You’ve seen it in the last few months, weeks and sometimes days ... but when it’s necessary to find it, it’s no where to be found. Grrrr. I’m blaming this problem on the size of the RV and praying it’s not my old age kicking into high gear.
Learning how to live in 31 feet of space has been interesting, fun and challenging. I love our little space in life. It’s portable and I can take it to any place I’d like. I can enjoy the outdoors in any state, any weather, any place I desire. That’s pretty cool. It’s also easy to clean and doesn’t take too long to clean. It’s such a little space, cleaning is done in a breeze. With two dogs though, cleaning needs to be done more often than one would hope (definitely an argument for getting rid of the dogs, but we all know that is never going to happen).
I also get to spend a lot of time with my husband. I like him. I love him. I enjoy his company. I find him hysterical even in the every day humdrum of life. So I enjoy having him around. We also have our subtle ways of getting our own alone time. It may involve a walk, a jog, a bike ride alone or sometimes its as simple as putting in ear buds as a signal that “I don’t want to interact”. We are both independent, so just taking on a project is usually a signal to the other that we are “good” on our own. None the less, it’s been a great experience for us both and we still enjoy each others company.
The other thing I get asked about quite frequently is the bathroom situation. Yes, there is only one bathroom. Its not a Jack and Jill bathroom with a Jacuzzi tub and a separate closet with a toilet. It is a dry toilet with a small sink and stand-up shower, all in one small space - meaning one person can stand between the sink, toilet and shower. There is a spray wand next to the toilet to fill the bowl with water and a foot pedal that is used for flushing. The sink is small, like a doll house small, but large enough for the task of washing hands and face, and brushing teeth. The shower is plenty big. I’m 5 foot almost 2 inches and I can stand up in it. Just kidding - my 6 foot husband can stand up in it, so it’s definitely functional (now that the drain has been fixed). There is a vent in the ceiling with a push button exhaust fan and the toilet is like a regular toilet, except for needing to fill it with water yourself. That’s the bathroom situation. Nothing glamorous and generally no secrets.
My husband and I don’t keep the same hours. Meaning, it’s not all that uncommon for him to get up between 3:30-5:00 a.m.. At the same time, I’ll look at the clock, do a quick calculation in my head and then a happy dance over the 4 hours I still get to sleep. When my husband gets up, he’s really respectful of the fact that most normal people are still asleep, including his wife and two dogs. So he quietly relocates to the living room/dining room area and does his thing until the sun comes up. We have levelers on the RV, so his movement is negligible.
As soon as I stir, or when Mark gets stir crazy, he’ll take the dogs for a walk. There is nothing subtle about that process as much as Mark tries to keep it contained. Our 70 lb. black Labrador retriever, Duke, moves about the cabin like a bull in a china shop. Between his wagging tail slapping against the cabinets and his incessant yawning, even the neighbors are ready for him to WALK ALREADY! Riley, our 23 lb. Japanese Spitz isn’t all that cooperative either. She gets a psychotic episode and is afraid to walk across the vinyl floor. Yes, she’ll step out on it, and step back on her little piece of carpet, then back out on the floor and back on the carpet. From underneath the comforter all I hear is Mark loudly whispering “Riley, come!” and the tap-tap-tap of Riley’s toenails on the vinyl floor several times until she drums up enough courage to make a break for it and hurriedly jogs across the four feet of vinyl flooring between her little piece of carpet and the door. As my friend Wendy says, she was perfect until I got her.
Everyday life in an RV is pretty much like everyone else’s everyday life, with a few slight nuances. Mark and I could have made different choices so as to not have to bungee cord our groceries to the back of bikes, live in a home that we sleep in and drive, live in such a small space, and/or waited until the dogs were gone to start this venture. But for us we talked about the choices we were making in advance and collectively agreed while some things would be inconvenient, we would give it a whirl and see what we thought. If we found we hated it down the road, we’d make a change. So far, we don’t hate anything about it. Quite this opposite. We are super glad we took this journey and in the way we did.
As I mentioned previously, we are transitioning to a “newer” journey. We found the boat that we would like to live on and have an accepted offer on that boat. Because there are still many steps in the process (it’s sooooooo different from buying a house) and too many things could go wrong that it would be premature for me to talk about the specifics of the boat. However, in my next blog I’ll talk about the boat purchasing process and hopefully we’ll be far enough along in the process that I can reveal a thing or two about what I hope to be our new home. Stay tuned....
Until we meet again,
Sherri (and by contractual obligation, Mark)
#everydaylifeinaRV#ourpositivelatitude pilgrimreport RVlife retirementtour sherririnkel retiredyoung retired lovingmylife retiredlife livingthedream#ourpositivelatitude#pilgrimreport#RVlife#retirmenttour#sherririnkel#retiredyoung#retired#lovingmylife#retiredlife#livingthedream
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Something different.
Now I understand that this is not what you all follow me for. But this is something that is close to my heart and I wanted to share it with you all. But I can tell you that it is said and it may hold triggers to some. I can tell you that it talks about death, miscarriages/still born, and abortion. Those triggers are in passing, nothing more. They are important to what I wanted to share with you. But if that isn't your thing, I completely understand.
When you think February, you think Valentine's Day. And if you will have a date for the night or if you would be alone. But other then my husband’s birthday, there is 2 other reason why this month is important. And neither one evolves around Valentine’s Day.
Each month you see Awareness for one thing or another. And in my eyes, each and everyone is important. But some get way more acknowledgement. How ironic that the two most important to me fall on the same month. When I first started to write this out I set out to make you cry. But the more I wrote the more I felt like it was a paper you would write for school. It told the story, but it didn't give you an idea on what it felt like for me, to live through it.
Alyzea aka Ali was born October of 2011. Normal pregnancy and easy delivery. But the day Ali turned 7 weeks old, we were thrown into a world that I never knew about. Because Ali was born with a broken heart. And then, at the age of three, our world was once again turned upside down when we learned she also was born with a genetic disorder called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. But let's talk dive into the heart defect first.
As mentioned above Ali was 7 weeks old when we learned she had a heart defect called Aortic Stenosis, with a Unicuspid Aortic Valve. Oh, did I fail to mention that Ali was also in Congestive Heart Failure? And also being airlifted to another children’s hospital. Are you lost yet? So were we. This all happened in one day. But as they say in commercials, just wait! It gets better. We learned this all in one day, after a week of fighting with our doctor. From the beginning shall we?
A week before this shit storm I started to notice that Ali wasn’t eating like she should, took her to the doctors and they told us “It's just a cold” nothing to worry about as long as you are getting wet diapers. There was no need to worry. So all week long, I watched as our daughter was eating less and less. Soon eating less turned into sleeping all day and breaking out in sweats. Each time I called the doctors, “oh it’s just a cold”. Soon everyone was telling me, “it’s just a cold”. Including my own mother.
Then one night my daughter went the whole night without giving me a wet diaper, almost nine hours actually. So I make the same call I had been all week. This time they tell me, sometimes babies don't pee at night. It is normal. She needs to go more than eight hours during the day.
While I was on the phone with my mom, bitching, I could hear my dad in the background telling me to just take her in. So I did. The urgent care doctor looked at her and told me that she was dehydrated. And needed to go to the ER for I.V. fluids. At the ER, Ali got her fluids, they ran blood work, and did a chest x-ray. And everything came back normal. So they sent us home and told us to follow up with the doctor the next day.
Next day. The following morning I ran the hubby to work and made an appointment with the nurse practitioner for 9 o’clock that morning. On my way home the hospital called and told me they had another person look over our daughters x-ray. And it showed that Ali’s heart was slightly enlarged and had fluid around her lungs. I don't even make it home before the doctor's office was calling me, telling me the nurse practitioner didn't feel comfortable seeing my daughter and they wanted to send me to the other office 30 minutes away, because they actually had a peds office. Ok I know what you are thinking. Why the hell was I going there in the first place?! Well, because my whole life I saw a family doctor and thought if I did it, why couldn’t Ali?
Anyways, the only issue there, was they couldn't get Ali in till much later in the afternoon. Once home my mother in law told me that she was able to get Ali to eat, but then she puked it all back up. Time seemed to slow down as I waited to leave. And the whole time I waited, Ali slept.
Soon it was time to meet Dr. W, a women who soon became a major part of Ali’s life. This women took one look at Ali and knew something wasn't right. But the x-ray report made no sense, so she called in another doctor. And that's when they told me to take her to a children’s hospital, where she was admitted
Fast forward the rest of that day and into the next. All of Ali’s test showed the same thing. Her heart was enlarged and she had fluid on her lungs. While they were doing her echo-cardiogram Dr. L came in. He took one look at her echo and told me that she was in congestive heart failure and needed to be airlifted to another children’s hospital that was equipped to work with her. Before I knew it he had four nurses taking her away to the PICU. And by the time I made it down the hall, four turned into ten. And I watched through a window as they all worked on Ali. Tell me, have you ever looked on as a 8 lb baby laid in an adult size bed and was surrounded by strangers? They tried to get me to leave and go to the waiting room, but I wouldn't. They shut the blinds to make me move, and I still didn't. I finally moved when the PICU doctor stood outside her door and yelled for them to make me move.
Because we thought that “It was just a cold” my husband had went to work that morning. So when all this went down I was alone. They called a chaplain to sit with me while I waited for my parents to come. After talking with my husband he agreed that staying near the house was the best thing and that when I got home we would travel to the new hospital together.
Although I was hurting I managed to keep it together and it wasn't until my parents walked in did I lose it. I became mad, I was mad at the doctors because I fucking knew something was wrong and they all pushed it to the side, I was pissed at Dr. L because he came across as in personal and after telling me Ali was sick he left the room only to come back minutes later to move her. But my dad stopped that train of thought when he asked me, “what was more important, my feelings or my daughter's life?” I was even mad at my mom for not believing me. But when I looked into her eyes I saw the guilt that was eating at her. And I knew I could never stay mad. But the one person I was most upset with, was myself. Because I let myself start to believe that maybe everyone was right, that maybe it was just a cold and I should back off.
At the other Children’s hospital I remember the respiratory therapist telling me that when Ali first got to them she didn't think Ali would make it, because the ventilator was doing all of her breathing for her. The night before her surgery I remember calling my little sister and crying. Telling her that my baby was fighting for her life and I couldn’t do anything. That I just wanted my baby to be ok. Nothing she could say could make it better, so she just sat there and listen as I cried my eyes out. I remember the surgeon telling us that she had a 10% chance of surviving the heart cath. But all the same we signed the papers and watched as they took her back. For 2 hours we sat and waited. Till they told us she made it out of surgery and she was doing just fine. She ended up spending a week in the hospital. Coming home on Thanksgiving. For the first few months after, it was hell. Because any little thing she did that wasn't right we would begin to panic. When I told you that Dr. W was an amazing women, I meant it. Because anytime I went into panic mode she was there to tell me that it was ok. And that I had every right to be that freaked out. But it was Dr. L that made me realize I couldn't live in the past. Because if I sat there thinking of the what if’s I would miss out on everything that's happening now.
Ali had another heart cath done at 5 months old. And hasn't had any issues since then. But that doesn't mean she is out of the woods. She will have to have open heart surgery at some point. There is no if ands or buts about it. It is in her cards.
That means at some point we will have to sign papers allowing doctors to cut open our daughter’s chest, reach inside of her and hook her to a machine that will act as her heart while they work on hers. That means her heart will have to stop beating in order for them to do their job. And there is no way around it.
With the help of a great community online, I have made many friends that have been through what I have. But not everyone's stories turn out like ours. Ryder and Liam are only two of the thousand that have lost their fight. Both at a very young age. Here is something you may not have known. In the United States, nearly twice as many kids die from congestive heart defects then all forms of childhood cancers…. Combined. It also affects 1 out of 100 children.
Ali is 1 out of 100, but she is also 1 out of 2000. As stated above Ali was also born with a genetic disordered called Mosaic Turner’s Syndrome. Now this story may not be as bad as her heart defect, but I can guarantee it will make you just as mad.
This story actually goes back to when Ali was in the hospital fighting for her life. As part as the hospitals procedure, Ali was tested genetically. But we never received any results. Which I chalked up to as a good thing. I mean who wouldn't? We had just brought our daughter home. Lab results were the farthest thing from my mind.
But as Ali continued to grow more medical issues came about. But nothing that screamed at me. She was considered non verbal, she showed signs of autism that turned out to be sensory processing disorder, and she suffered from constant ear infections. It was only after talking with other mother’s online did I begin to question if we should have her tested. Of course I forgot about the one done when she was an infant. So I asked her doctor if they could run one, and of course they agreed. The geneticists ended up setting up a bunch of tests for Ali. And after she got some of them back, she went to work looking through Ali’s medical file. And on the very bottom of her cardiologist notes she found test results dated for November of 2011. And those test results showed that Ali tested for Mosaic Turner’s. That's right, that second children’s hospital knew about the Turner’s but never told any of her doctors.
As you can imagine, we were beyond pissed off. I called Dr. L and he was out of the office, when I called Dr. W she was calling me back within 10 minutes and she talked with me for a good hour about everything Turner’s meant. And bright an early the next morning Dr. L was calling me apologizing for not seeing that report. But it wasn't his fault and I don't blame him. It wasn't like they actually told him. They just sent it over to him along with all of their notes.
See I told you this story wasn't as gut wrenching as the heart defect. But that doesn't mean it isn't gut wrenching. Ali is 2%.
That is the survival rate of girls born with Turner’s Syndrome. The other 98% don't make it to birth. What is even more heartbreaking is doctors actually tell mothers that the survival rate is so low they should just terminate their pregnancies.
If you look back at Ali’s story you can see that the deck was stacked against her from the beginning. And she came out on top both times. And even though she has been through hell, she never lets it show. As a friend says, Ali is a free spirit and you can’t help but love her. She is very empathetic and she cares about others. She dances to the beat of her own drum and she could care less if you follow. And she is the reason why February is so damn important to me.
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The Endless Abyss
Going to be a whiny post so... Fair warning.
Well. No one's ever going to read this whole fucking thing anyway, so I suppose it doesn't really matter...
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So last night, since it's a long weekend, I stayed up late, as I do every weekend, because late at night is the only time I get to myself. However, this time, my dad kept calling for me every 30 to 90 minutes. The whole fucking night. From the time we put him to bed at 11 something, until I went to bed at 6 am-ish.
The whole fucking night.
Then today, I help my mom get him out of the house and into the car so they can go for a drive, because my dad has spent the last several months (until the last couple) being trapped in the house. Finally, some time to myself. I was glad for it... Until my mom and dad got home, we got him put of the car and back into the chairlift... And the fucking thing BROKE. BROKE.
He was ON IT when it broke. My mom and I "caught" him (for lack of a better term) and "threw him" (also for lack of a better term) into his wheelchair.
He's a 350 lb man. That's a LOT of stairs. He can't walk, and we can't carry him. I hurt my back preventing him from getting hurt.
Now we have no way of getting him in and out of the house.
Luckily, we were able to get 911 to send paramedics and they helped us get him into the house...
Except 10 minutes after that, he started having severe chest pains and starts bellowing that he's having a heart attack so we had to call 911 right back, and they took him to the hospital.
He's fine now, wasn't a heart attack.
Then my sister comes home. Last night, she spent the night at a dude's house she's been seeing. Then she came home, showered, and went to a DIFFERENT dude's house right after.
I don't have a problem with that, what I have a problem with is...
Why THE FUCK can't I find even one, JUST ONE, fucking person to do... Fucking anything with.
It doesn't have to be a relationship, let's face it, I don't fucking want one right now, nor would I be able to handle one with everything that's happening, but I can't keep fucking anyone's interest. Not a single person's.
Her telling me that was such a fucking punch in the gut. I'm sacrificing my body, my time, my mental health, my LIFE, and my patience to help my dad... And she's able to date 2 people at once. She's having fun and enjoying life while I'm trapped and miserable. She's home less than my brother was when he still lived her while flipping his own house in a different town.
I'm so angry and upset by this. Like, I get that she has chronic pain, and can't help us because of it and the physical weakness that goes with it... So she's paying for this life on her own way... BUT AT LEAST SHE HAS GOOD THINGS TO HOLD ON TO.
I have fucking nothing. Fucking. Nothing.
I'm living the same life now that I was in middle school... High school... University... The second university... Through 3 shitty jobs...
My dad's going to die soon.
My friends don't talk to me, or if they do, they don't spend time with me at all, and believe me, I've fucking asked.
I failed to do well in school. I tried. I tried SO FUCKING HARD. But there was always something in the way. Depression. PTSD. Anxiety. Seizures. Back injury that laid me up for a month. Nearly losing friends who suffered from their own mental health issues (between the not eating and not sleeping for the several months this went on, I'm kind of surprised I didn't die).
There was always something. I tried changing study habits. I tried learning everything I could about learning so I could learn and study more effectively. I got meds for my ADHD. I worked through many nights, using so many energy drinks, and that may have ended up causing my seizures.
But then either a health or mental or some other issue would happen and it would all shatter. I'd fall terribly behind and never be able to catch up. And trust me, some months I didn't do anything fun or enjoyable or for myself. Work. Study. Attend class. Study more. Sleep a little. Eat a little.
Fail a lot.
I did eventually get a degree... But I got into post secondary at 19, and finished officially at 29. For a BA. Not even in the program I changed schools for, but in the program that's a "step down" from it.
So I don't have academics to boost my self esteem with.
How bout work? Nope. Retail for several years (5+), factory work, courier job that literally nearly killed me. Back to factory work to escape courier job...
No idea what to do that'll make me happy. No thoughts of finding anything that will make me happy anymore.
Friendships/relationships? My friends from high school are still one big group... They still hang out and do shit together. They still talk. You know who they don't talk to or even really include at all? Fucking me. And I've even talked to them about it. I even told them about my mental health issues and how hard it is for me to reach out to people, how hard it is for me to be social because of it, and practically begged them to include me anyways.
No dice.
I've had and lost so many good friends, too. Some used me up, and tossed me aside. Some used me into I tossed THEM aside. Some just ghosted me, despite my efforts to stay in touch. Some I had major falling outs with. I do have some long term friendships... And yet... Even these people don't spend time with me. Don't even ask. All of my friendships right now... ALL of them... Are conducted entirely online.
As for relationships... I don't fucking know. I don't feel monogamous relationships are for me... BUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE POLY ARE A SMALL POPULATION. And then the people who like me and are poly are a basically non-existent population...
But I can't be the way I'd rather be. Now that I know, I can't go back.
My sister doesn't identify as polyamorous... Yet in practice, she's participating in it more than I ever have.
I've never really dated. I've been on 1 real date in my entire life, and that went nowhere.
I've only had sex with 3 people in my entire life. And with 2 of them, it was once each. 3 times with the other.
They all cast me aside after. Or things ended terribly.
Now that I want to try and date, try to have sex, and utilize the knowledge I learned on the topic, to try and enjoy my life, I feel like I'm not allowed. Because nobody wants me. Because I'm working a shit job and don't have my own place. Because I have to be home to help care for my dying father. Because my siblings have fucked off in their own ways.
Because I was sexually assaulted as a child and suffer for it.
Because I'm not normal.
Because I'm perceived by society as a loser.
Because I'm too hairy.
Because I'm broken.
Because I'm not good enough.
Because I'm not successful enough.
I know life isn't fair... But this feels excessive. This is too much. It's all not so terrible that anyone would feel like it's tragic if I tell them and explain it all, but it's bad enough that I feel like I've been massacred inside.
My dad's going to die, probably within the next year. I work a shitty job with no prospects or ideas or energy or motivation for a better one. My mental and physical health is garbage, despite all the time in therapy, exercise, learning so I can rehab, meds or specialists I've seen. I'm not good at anything. I'm not well liked. Girls don't want or like me, especially not for the things I'm looking for. I'm stuck at home caring for my dad. My siblings are both out enjoying their lives as much as they can while I'm stuck in the abyss.
I don't enjoy anything anymore.
You know what the worst part is? I have no one else to blame but myself. I’m the common denominator. For all of it. I mean, I can’t explain how bad my luck is for all of the things out of my control, but even that feels like it must be my fault.
I give up.
I've got nothing left.
It's too much disappointment. And not enough reward for all the pain.
That's all, folks. That's the whole show.
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do all the cat asks!!!!!!!
1. Name?- Pici and Mocsok
2. Fur color?- Pici is tricolor, Mocsi is tuxedo!!!
3. Any family you know (other than you)?- i dont know what this means tbh??
4. Age?- Pici is 2 yrs old, turning 3 in March and Mocsi is 4 yrs old, turning 5 in May (oh my god he’s so old!!)
5. Favorite toy?- neither of them really give a shit about toys no matter how many we buy them so :(
6. Nicknames?- i call Pici Babey or Picúr, and Mocsok’s nickname is Mocsi (or bastard)
7. Cinnamon roll or problematic fave?- both of them are both kjsdfksdjf like, i think Pici is the sweetest lady that ever existed, while everyone else thinks she’s the spawn of satan; and w Mocsi, its the other way around, i know the shit he’s done, but everyone else thinks he’s an angel
8. Length of fluff?- normal length for both of them i guess??
9. Any funny habits?- oh man ksjddf Pici likes to announce before she goes in the litterbox and does her business and its the funniest thing ksdjfdskf- Mocsi .. is just not the brightest cat to ever lived, so when he wants to go outside, he will stand in front of the door and meow and scratch at it, and if you open it for him, he doesnt go out but just stands there and stares.. and he just won’t move if you dont nudge him
10. How old were they when you met?- we got Mocsi when he was around 4-6 months old, and Pici has been w us since the day she was born (literally akjfsdf her mother was my cat too)
11. What does their food bowl look like?- they have three bowls: one for the dry food, one for Mocsi, which is a little bigger, blue bowl w a cat’s head drawn inside of it; and Pici just has a basic aluminium one
12. Indoor or outdoor cat?- Pici is a strictly indoor cat as of last year’s summer, Mocsi is kind of like a mix? he is allowed to be outside w/o a harness (i know i dont like it either), but he comes in at night
13. Recent picture?
14. Old picture?
(Pici was only a few months old here
15. Cuddly?- YES YES YES
16. Ever changed their name?- yeah actually, Pici started out as Maki (which means monkey, basically) bc her meows sounded like monkey noises??
18. Eye color?- they both have yellow eyes!
19. How do they express love for you?- they purr and come into my lap, or sleep beside me. Pici likes to stand on my laptop blocking the screen. Mocsi likes to headbutt me, almost breaking my nose
20. How do you express love for them?- i pet them and cuddle up to them, pick em up and hold them in my arms - just the usual
21. Any theories on what breed?- nah, nothing they are just typical house cats
22. Do they ever wake you up?- YEAH Mocsi almost suffocated me way back when, by trying to sleep on my face asdhfklsdf
23. How much do they meow?- Mocsi only meows when he wants food or wants to go outside, so not much. on the other hand, Pici is very vocal (and has an attitude too) and i really really like it !!!
24. Any hiding spots?- hm. not really? or maybe under the bed or table
25. Do they enjoy guests?- Mocsi LOVES new people!!!! he will make friends w everyone and anyone. Pici…not so much (same)
26. Lofty objects to sit on?- we have this huge ass wall-to-wall closet in the living room which is p tall, they like to sleep there. otherwise, they just like to sit on tables
27. Wear a collar?- nah not since Mocsi almost suffocated himself w one
28. How much shedding?- Mocsi is alright, but Pici is a disaster
29. Do they enjoy brushing?- no:((
30. Ever drink from the toilet?- no????, but Mocsi does like to sit on it when the lid is closed dont ask
31. How do they get your attention?- by meowing? but i literally always pay attention to them so
32. Embarrassing thing they’ve done?- Mocsi almost suffocating himself w a collar or running headfirst into the wall. Pici’s p graceful so idk
33. Weirdest thing they try to eat?- Mocsi really likes potatoes for some reason?? and Pici always tries to eat my food
34. Are they like your siblings, children, or friends?- THEY ARE MY BABIES
35. What time do they eat breakfast?- after i wake up, so it depends
36. Do you cut their nails?- we only cut Pici’s nails (when we remember it)
37. Do you think they understand you?- i dont think Mocsok knows anything about this world tbh but im like 99% sure Pici understands everything
38. Ever make fun of them?- oh yeah. a lot.
39. Do you take their picture often?- everytime im home
40. Ever hiss at you?- Pici did!! i tried to take away a bird she caught
41. Ever try to scratch or bite you?- yea, but its all fun and games
42. If you try to grab their paw, what do they do?- Mocsok doesnt give a flying fuck, Pici takes it away
44. Canned or dry food?- both
45. Weight?- Mocsi is 6 kgs, Pici is 2 kgs. according to google thats 13 lbs and and 4 lbs respectively
46. Ever got lost?- there were times when i was really worried bc Pici didnt come home in time, but they never got lost, no.
47. Do you buy them presents?- YES. just the other day i saw like, wine for pets?? and i really wanted to buy it but my mother didnt let me ://///
48. Do they respond when you call?- Pici does. im pretty sure Mocsok doesnt know what his name is
49. Do they ever see other cats?- yea. my brother has a cat too, so they usually see him, but who knows how many cats Mocsi sees when he’s outside
50. Declawed?- FUCK NO
51. Funniest expression?
52. Favorite place to be pet?- Pici likes it if you like….rub both sides of her face? and Mocsi likes chin scratches
54. Give them a head kiss.- next time i see them, i will !!!!!
55. What time of the year is most exciting for them?- i think its pretty neutral all throughout the year
56. Are they good at hunting real prey?- Pici was real good at it, she could catch birds mid-fly. Mocsok? nah.. he can barely eat his own food ksajfkdsf
57. Do they ever attack nothing?- attack? no. stare at it until i freak out? yeah
58. What are they doing right now?- idk im not at home :(( but its probably sleepy time
59. How long have you had them?- Mocsok for 3,5 years or so, and Pici, as ive said, has been w me since day 1
60. If you could have them stay as a kitten forever, would you?- i dont think so? i love them just the way they are
63. Have you ever stepped on their paw?- no but i did sit on both of theirs kasjkfsdf
64. Ever tripped you on stairs?- we dont have stairs so no
65. Any ear hair?- yeah!!! both of them have some
66. Favorite view from a window?- Pici just likes to spy the people who are on the street. Mocsi doesnt seem to know how to get to the window no matter how much he tries
67. Describe why they are precious.- i mean this whole post is basically about that kskdsf they are just goofy assholes who like to run around and fight each other. and sit/sleep on tables. and my laptop.
68. Fit the cat stereotype?- Pici definitely does. Mocsok is like a dog in a cat’s body tbh
69. Chaotic neutral?- 100%
70. Do they enjoy following/ keeping you company?- oh dude yes, i cant even shower w/o them scratching at the door
71. Are you their favorite human?- i am definitely Pici’s favorite, but not Mocsi’s :’(((((
72. Do they like tv?- awwwwwwwwwwwwwww Pici used to watch cartoons when she was little, then she started watching like animal planet documentaries about big cats!!! but she lost interest. now she just likes to watch the things i watch on yt (her favorite is jacksepticeye. even if she’s asleep, she will wake up if she hears his intro. she would also like come up to me and meow at jack akjsdkjdsf its so cute)
73. Favorite noise to make?- i mean…purring…hellooo
74. If they were a Neko Atsume cat, what would their momento be?- pass
#holy shit this was fun#i love them so much :((((((((((((((((((((#kriss.txt#ask#neidermeyersmind#long post#neidermeyers-mind#cats
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undergrad immunology internship: 3/14 update!
SO its basically been a month since I started working, and so far, I'm really enjoying it!
50% of what I do is media and buffer prep, which maybe would include making antibiotic plates on some days, and 50% plasmid processing. oh and 30% of that first 50% is running around the building checking and waiting for and fixing the autoclaves.
but boy howdy have I learned a lot! I'm way more confident making buffers and sterile solutions from stock reagents. I was so lost at first bc I had to learn where to find everything, learn their waste disposal procedures and the most efficient way to make certain media. because it was QUITE A SHOCK to me that agar settles within 0.5 seconds in a graduated cylinder, thus sticking to the bottom when you try to pour it out??? yeah so "1L of plate media" actually means "1L of media + 15g of agar".
ok so this gets REALLY LONG and i go into detail what my day is like, so if u into that keep reading but tl;dr,,, i’m learning a lot and doing things!!!
I've also learned labs should REALLY invest in disposable metates or somethin bc a lot of crystalline reagents form clumps that are like ROCKS. so i'll spend like a good minute chopping up salt crystals with the tiny side of a scapula when it really needs 5 seconds with a mortar and pestle. but ANYWAYS
buffers were scary at first bc I nearly accidentally inhaled the imidazole (why the FUCK does it smell like that??) but they are super chill and easy now, more a waiting game for things to dissolve anyway.
so like 40% of my job is autoclaving a buncha stuff, and always gotta be autoclaving 250mL flasks. now there are like 3 different brands of flasks the lab uses, and all are valid but have different shaped mouths (like the top of the flask). there are the Lipped Ones, the Skinny Guys and my favorite,, the Chunky Bois!!! i gotta cut EXTRA large aluminum foil for them, bc boy they got GIRTH. anyhow i am just a stones throw from naming and recognizing each individual flask of the maybe 100 in the lab :-)
the autoclaves i may also name too. there are three in the building. the north one is the Good Child who occasionally acts up and refuses to work, but that has only happened once this whole past month. the south one is Extremely Problematic and will just,, refuse to open and scream as it holds hostage your stuff, until to call Walter, its only friend, to coax it back open (S.O. TO WALTER THE FACILITIES ENGINEER HE'S A HOMIE). and then theres the Forbidden One, which we of the first floor are technically not allowed to use, as its on the second floor and only for those labs to use. but,, if we really weren't supposed to use it, why would they install an elevator? 🤔
so we use it when Extremely Problematic is screaming and Good One is in use.
now finally the benchpros. these little powerhouses i love them but tina-marie (who is SERIOUSLY one of the coolest ladies I've ever met and I have SO MUCH respect for her and she STILL catches me off guard with how nice and understanding she is, despite how stressed she always seems, which is pretty understandable she does so much) always talks about them with a suspicious trust, as if they are only communicating in the midst of a cease-fire. anyways they extract and purify DNA from e. coli cultures, which you just dump into a tub, insert some cartridges and press "run". i like how compact and easy they are to use, and when you finally collect the purified DNA there is like a sense of small excitement bc you're like "hm! lets see what we got!". the moment of truth is getting DNA concentrations of at least 300 ug/ul, and lately we've gotten upwards of 1000 ug/ul! which is weird but not bad.
anyhow the other interns are really nice, esp. the one i work with the most, she goes to SDSU and is really sweet, its nice to talk 100% comfortably with someone there. everyone else is super nice, but also tend to keep to themselves when working (besides tina-marie). I kind of prefer that actually, I find I do best when I'm working by myself, bc I dont have to worry about what someone else is doing or coodinate. I have more stuff to do, but I actually really like the constant pace and always having something to do. its very fulfilling to start with a whole list of stuff to do in the beginning of the day, planning how to tackle it in your head as you put your hair up, then gradually wipe off every task you complete, until there is nothing left before you leave, a little tired but happy everything is done and done right.
SPEAKING of done right,, I've had a few whoopies (besides the agar debacle.....) but none too serious and I've recovered well, havent made the same mistake twice. First was forgetting to vaccum filter a buffer solution, then foiling the LB flasks for autoclave while floating the caps, then not finishing the processing of a couple cultures, then using TBS to blank the nanodrop when I should have used water, and today discovering I used the wrong LB tablets to make media (I DIDNT KNOW WHAT LENNOX WAS BUT APPARENTLY ITS DIFFERENT FROM NORMAL LB). more affirmed that asking questions is a good thing!!
all in all, I really enjoy working there and I really hope I can do full time during the summer. if not, I can easily still do part-time but I'll probably have to do something on the side as well (grubhub, taskrabbit, esty?)
this was REALLY LONG but i wanna document my journey through this so. idk if someone reads this plz like and maybe give feedback maybe it'll help someone idk!
thas all for now~~~
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To anyone struggling with any eating problems or disorder, questioning, suspects someone else may have one, or knows nothing real about them please read this.
This might take some up some space and be a bit all over the place, but I’m not in a good place right now. And I don’t care if you read it or not, but I need somewhere to talk about this and to record my progress and set backs. This also may be triggering to some so if you’re sensitive to this topic please don’t read.
It all started when I wanted to lose some weight, because I hated myself and thought it would help me with depression. I was 14 and 187 lbs. I saw no problems with anyone else being the same weight, or weighing more than that. Just me.
So during the summer before 9th grade, I started to diet. It all started out well and good, and I ate how I thought was healthy. I didn’t eat breakfast, for lunch at 12:30 I ate cashews and for dinner I had rice and veggies. Thankfully I didn’t know how to count calories properly yet because I thought I was eating the set 600-700 calories a dayi said I could have, but I was actually eating close to 1400 Cals a day, because I had misread information I found online. I was exercising from 8:00am-12:10pm every week day and didn’t know nor care about form or proper care. I started seeing a therapist but I could never talk to her and when I did I simply lied.
When 9th grade hit I was 20lbs lighter but I couldn’t see it, and I still don’t. People told me I had lost, but I didn’t believe them. I stopped eating real lunches at school and blamed it on my anxiety about eating in front of people (which was partially to blame) and only ate a little bit so my stomach wouldn’t growl. I would eat it so quickly people started asking if I was even eating at school. But no body knew I had an eating problem, not even myself. And nobody bothered to ask. I still exercised for 1-2 hours and panicked and felt depressed if I didn’t. But I still wasn’t skinny. I counted calories like a beast and measured everything, to the point where it didn’t matter what was in my food all that mattered was how many calories I ate. I was obsessed with it. If I went over 1400-1500 calories I had failed and would hate myself till the next day. I had gotten into cooking and bakin at this time so I was finally understanding how everything really worked and I hated it. I also became a vegetarian and changed my eating habits again.
Anything anyone said to me stuck to me like glue. Even if it was a harmless joke or a jab between friends. I’m not saying it was their fault because it wasn’t, they simply just didn’t know. But here’s some examples of things people have said to me throughout my life that I will never say to anyone else. No matter how harmless they seemed
“You ate that so fast you’re such a pig *laughs*”
“I need to go the gym and do REAL work. Non of that useless at-home crap.”
“You has such chubby cheeks a few years ago”
“You were so round in pictures when you were younger”
“You’re fat”
“Your father was on the phone with me and he called you fat”
10th grade started and after a summer of “dieting” and exercise I lost another 10 lbs so was down to 150. For once since I had started I felt a little bit of happiness about my progress even if I didn’t see it. But it was short lived.
I fell into a really bad depression throughout 10th grade and started turning towards music to help. This was the time I started cutting back on food even more, I’d skip one meal and eat only two. But this caused my disorder to evolve. When I was with other people like friends or family I had begun to eat so much like I was binging out because I was subconsciously scared they would find out about me skipping meals. If I ate a lot in their presence they would never know right? After those binging sessions I’d feel so guilty. I would eat even less then before in hopes to make up for my mistakes. I can still tell you what some of my worst binge sessions were, what I ate and how much because I STILL feel guilty.
Having an unidentified eating disorder, anxiety, and depression was like living in a war zone. The depression encourages self hatred and suicidal thoughts, but brought lethargy and the inability to focus on any work that was put in front of me. I was always so, so tired. The anxiety triggered more depression by making me fear the worst for my future, my health and everything that was going on. It told me that if I starved myself I’d gain weight, and that I needed to eat more or else my family would find out. But my UED (unidentified eating disorder) told all of that to shut up, and to get up and exercise more and eat less.
I began to prioritize my weight loss and exercise over everything else. Family visits, going out with friends, and school. My grades dropped a little bit in classes I wasn’t naturally good in, and I quit piano. Something I have been doing since I was 5 years old. But still nobody asked if I was okay. All they cared about was my decisions and judged me for them without asking “why”. And I don’t blame them because I was still chubby, bubbly and acted fine.
I got snappy with family and I grew distant from my mother and friends and argued with my mother 95% of the time. I’d only see my friends once a month if that and only left the house for walks or grocery shopping with my mom occasionally. My mom and I had a huge fight (and this was when I quit piano) and I stopped going to therapy. I hadn’t been in months anyway, I told my mom it was okay and I didn’t need it but I did. I was just too embarrassed to say so.
That spring I finally worked up the courage through listening to music and watching a video about a particular person who I had been looking up to, (more about this person in another post if you’d like) to finally tell my sister and one of my best friends about my problems, through text messages. I was so scared but they supported me and it felt strange. I wasn’t completely relieved, but it was a little better.
This summer-with the help of the musicians I was listening to- I told someone about this for the first time face-to-face. It took me 20 minutes to get the first word out I was feeling so many things. I was scared, ashamed, frustrated, and exhausted. So I sat there with my mouth hanging open only letting out unintelligible sounds as “words” because I couldn’t form them. For 20 minutes. But she just sat there patiently and told me it was okay. So I told her.
I was going to tell the rest of my family but I kept chickening out and things kept getting in the way. But it was summer, and I wasn’t going to let this ruin that for me. Then the opposite of what I wanted to happen happened, I hit a very bad low.
I was staying at my sisters house and this was basically my only “vacation” for the summer. So I let my binge eating control me. I ate whatever I wanted whenever and even if I didn’t want it I forced myself to eat because I wanted my sister to think I was okay. But I hated how I felt. I had been eating healthy foods for so long and exercising regularly that this was making me feel sick, and gross. I hated everything about myself from the way I looked and the way I felt. But I realized how much I enjoyed being healthy, eating right and exercising a little.
So I said to myself that I can get out of this mess on my own because it was getting exhausting. This couldn’t control me like this anymore. So I made a deal with my friend to eat healthy regularly and I was off. I promised her I would stay on track and not over exercise anymore.
The guilt was still there but it got a little easier to eat something for breakfast and lunch even if it was just pieces of fruit or small snacks. It was a start. A month went by and with some bad days, some good was able to make myself eat full meals regularly. The support from my friend was what got me through this and I knew I could always lean on her. Now the physical part was down, but the mental self-hatred and guilt was still, and is still there. I started to enjoy exercising again and even started learning Kpop dances with my friend as part of my schedule even if I sucked at them. I was having fun, and bonding with a friend. I started feeling a little better about myself. But just like last time, it didn’t last long.
The thoughts were beginning to get louder and I still fought to shut them out. But today, I had to get weighed again for the first time in a year. Only to discover that after all of that hard work, I gained almost 10 lbs.
I acted normal until I got home, I messaged my friend telling her I wasn’t doing okay, and as soon as I was alone I cried. I cried so much because I was frustrated with myself, I cried because I shouldn’t have had that 1-2 cheat day meal(s) we said we could have a month. I cried because my thoughts were coming back like an ambush telling me so many contradicting things. “This is because you starved yourself” “this is because you started eating again” “this wouldn’t have happened if you had just stayed quiet and never told anyone” “you should call someone.” And lastly, I cried because I felt lost and hopeless. I felt as though nothing was working and I would never be able to be normal again. At this point either side of the argument could have one and taken over.
When I calmed down and was able to breathe a sat on the couch an said I deserved to take a break today. A break from the schedule, a break from everything. I remembered what the people I look up to said, I reached out to help myself by writing this post.
I’m going to write updates here, so people like me or people who aren’t sure where their at, or just don’t know what to do anymore can come and try to get better with me. I’m not saying I can cure you because I’m not a professional, but sometimes just knowing you’re not alone and that ordinary people are going through this as well can help you. If you have trouble talking to people about this stuff face to face, my dms are open at all times. You don’t even have to tell me who you are or about yourself. Yo I can be anonymous. Just tell me anything and I’ll listen. What makes you happy, what makes you sad, your story, pictures of your pet I don’t care. I’m on a journey of slow healing right now to help me to love and appreciate myself. And if I can help even just one person by doing updates and getting as real as possible I will keep doing it.
Despite this negative post, if you struggle with any mental health issues at all, body image, stress, or even if you’re just here to help a friend, just know that you are worth it even if you don’t think that about yourself. Think of your friends and family, and about how much you care about them. If you feel like there’s nobody in your life that cares then you’re wrong because I care. If you can’t live and fight this battle for yourself yet, and don’t believe in yourself then it’s 100% okay to fight because something else motivates you until you gain enough strength to truely fight and live for yourself. Fight because you want to go to a concert in the future, fight to see the next album your favorite musician drops, fight because you promised a friend, fight because you have a pet that adores you, fight so you can watch a YouTube video, just find something to fight for even if it’s small or people don’t understand.
I hope this was helpful even if it is terribly written because I’m currently an emotional wreck XD. So sorry for any spelling/grammar mistakes. I’ll probably be making an insta to talk to people on there because I’m quite a noob to tumblr.
Thank you to whoever listened, or if nobody did it doesn’t matter. Because I made a promise to this post that I’ll get better.
~Deepsheep
#mental health#eating disroders#binge eating#anoreixa#anxious#i love you#self love#bts army#bts#bts v#bts jungguk#bts jimin#bts jhope#bts rm#bts min yoongi#bts jin#exo#exo cbx#exo k#exo m#stray kids#talk to me#harry potter#long reads#kpop#marvel#youtube is life#anime#disney#spread this
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The Assassin Who Loved Me (Part 2)
Pair: Stucky
Wordcount: 3841
Plot: AU of CATWS events via prompt supplied by the fabulous jewishcap
Warnings: NSFWish sexual activity mentioned and implied, Violence mentioned and implied
A/N: I am primarily an erotica & horror writer so in a few weeks I’ll begin reworking and telling the story making it much longer and adding more detail in those elements (Because Winter Soldier being a terrifying insane yet competent murderer when Steve isn’t looking MUST be done)
5
In the SUV, Bucky became more talkative without strangers around, even if he still sounded fuzzy in the brain department.
“I was such an idiot. I’m not gonna mess this up.”
“Mess what up, Buck?” Steve said absentmindedly.
“Us. We were trying to do what normal guys do and make our families proud. I’m blessed so I’m not going to miss my chance to love you the right way.” Bucky said completely determined.
The car went silent for several minutes. Then Steve said, “Never said it out loud, even to myself. I thought I’d just love you from afar and that would be that. I didn’t know you…”
“Felt the same? Like I said, we were idiots. But I remember. I remember how you looked at me sometimes, how your hand would brush mine and our eyes would be drawn to one another’s. I remember what you did on New Year’s of ‘42.”
Steve who had been taking a left accidently jerked the wheel in his surprise but recovered quickly. “You remember?!?!”
“Steve, you said you had something to show me in a pantry then got on your knees and-”
“You never said anything! Do you know how bad I felt about taking advantage of you?!”
“You idiot! I had to act it didn’t happen. We didn’t have time to stop saving the world from Hydra to have dramatic assessments of each other and our relationship, Steve. People needed you to kill Nazis and you needed me to keep you from getting sniped in the back of the head!”
Once again the interior of the SUV fell silent until this time Bucky spoke again.
“Didn’t you hear and feel me that night? Why in the world did you think I didn’t want it? Did you really think I was so drunk I didn’t know what was happening?”
“…The next day when nothing changed I just thought, either you remembered and only let me do it because you didn’t want to make me feel bad about being…or worse you didn’t remember and hadn’t wanted and I just went ahead made you…” Steve answered.
“You think the kiss after was me going along to get along or doing something I didn’t want to?”
“Not now, of course, no.”
“So it’s like I said, we can’t waste what we’ve been given. As far as I know, the future has been pretty weird, what with this arm thing and the glowing thing in that guy’s chest and I don’t know if people still die, I may be the only person who has ever come back from the dead. Of human history, this is probably the first time a dead soldier has returned to his beloved. I would be insane if I just kept the charade going. I’m gonna be true to you if it kills me, if anyone has a problem they can take it up with me anytime.”
6
When they finally settled in a bit Bucky wandered through the house eventually arriving at the fridge where he realized he was the hungrier than he had ever been. But many of the things in there confused him. He went to find Steve who had been digging out some clothes for Bucky so he could have a shower.
“Steve, what’s wrong with this cucumber?”
“That’s not a cucumber. That’s a zucchini.”
“A what? Speaking fake Italian is rude. That goes for other languages too. Why is there a green pepper that is red? How much has food changed, do cows and chickens still look the same?”
“These things aren’t new. They have a better way if food preservation and distribution so more foods are available.”
“We didn’t need more vegetables. We needed to be able to buy them in the first place. We used to only need just a few. Corn, carrots, potatoes, onions, cabbage, lettuce, tomatoes, garlic. What more do ya need?”
“Nutrients. We grew up barely hanging on. Now more people can afford to eat more diverse foods.”
“If you say so. Another question what’s the thing that looks like a lizard and a pear mixed together?”
“An avocado. It’s a vegetable.”
“Listen, I’m too hungry to even remember what it’s name is, can you show me how to eat something in there?”
“Sure. I can whip you up a snack. Later I’ll make some dinner.”
All things considered, while it was important to Steve to eat well, he chose to feed Bucky some of his leftover steak bomb calzone. Bucky exclaimed loudly the entire time he ate. When Steve told him it was the last four pieces of a 16 piece calzone that had cost $24, Bucky dropped his food on accident and said “What was wrong with it? ”
“Pardon? "Said Steve.
"That much food for $20, there had to be something wrong with it. Were the ingredients going bad when it was made?”
“No. A 5 lb bag of flour at the grocery store is about $3 now. So you can imagine these other things in it are priced similarly.”
“What!? No!”
“Yes. Food is so abundant people have a hard time avoiding stuff that’s no good. Turns out too much sugar is like consuming poison. It can give you health problems that go from rotted teeth to lowered liver function.”
“That’s horrifying. Is there anything that bad in this currently killing me? I’m still gonna finish it, tastes too good not to, but I’m just curious.”
“Worst thing in that is the dough since it’s high in carbs which turn into sugar in your body and arguably the meat and cheese. Also turns out the meat and dairy industry is great for us not but so much for the animals. Old fashion farmers were way more respectful of animals. Now it just a lot of huge companies making money as fast as possible be damned the cruelty to the animals those faster practices are based in.”
Bucky who had once had to kill his own chicken to eat it, could see how that was a problem. Still, that calzone was just sooo good. He had to figure out a way to not feel like a piece of shit the next time he ate something like it in the future.
After Steve showed him how the shower worked, what bottle was soap and what was shampoo, by 9:30 they had eaten then Steve had taken a shower as well and they began to talk about going to bed. They sat on Steve’s couch watching a bit of Laverne and Shirley.
“Listen I’m trying here. I know you didn’t want to hide how we feel anymore so… Would it be weird if you… slept in my bed or are we not at that-” Steve began nervously.
Bucky had turned to steve balled up his fist in the collar of Steve’s sleeveless tank and pulled him forward into a kiss. He didn’t use tongue at first. Steve was in such shock he went entirely still when their lips touched. Bucky wanted to be sure he had read him correctly. When Steve relaxed more then Bucky slipped him some tongue between his lips for a long languid yet heart stopping French kiss. It felt to Steve like they were slowly melding together lips first.
When he was done he said “I think we’re close enough, we’ve shared a blanket and a mattress before. Am I moving too fast for you?”
“NO! Ehem, I mean I just wanted to offer the place that’s most comfortable. It’s not like I wanna get fresh with you.” Steve stammered.
“Well, what if I want you to? What if I’ve wanted you to every time we slept in the same place since we were 15?”
“Huuh!” He gasped as if Buck had just kicked him in the balls. “That explains- uh, OK. My bed is open to you.”
“Are your legs too?” Bucky whispered pulling Steve to meet his lips again.
This time the kiss was filled with pure electricity. Sparks flew mentally emotionally and sexually. Steve whined like a puppy unsure where inside him such a noise came from.
Steve tried to say, “Well I wouldn’t put it so bluntly.” Instead, he made a shuddering groaning sound that ended in a high pitched gasp.
Then he grasped Bucky pulling him onto his lap, arms a sliding down his back pulling each of Buck’s legs around his hips. Bucky locked his ankles behind Steve back, threw his arms around his shoulders and held on for dear life. Then eyes closed, hopelessly blissfully finally lost in Bucky’s embrace, Steve vaulted over the couch and sprinted to his bedroom with Buck in his arms.
Once in his room, he pulled something that looked like a dance move. Dipping Bucky low as he did a roundhouse kick, he hit the door slamming it without letting go of Bucky, completing the turn and slamming Bucky’s back against it. Pressing up against him Steve reached around Buck’s legs and began pushing his sweat pants and boxers down.
****
The Asset cried in the middle of the seduction. It hadn’t been planned. It was just a culmination of all the things that had been happening all day coming to a head.
He had planned meticulously every minute detail of his interaction seduction and persuasion of Rogers. Everything he said and did throughout the day had yielded maximum positive effects on the target. Manipulating his own thoughts to induce a panic attack, for instance. Speaking to Rogers of an event that happened between the two no one other than Barnes himself, made evident from his personal journal, knew of. With every pre-calculated response from Rogers, the planned moved inevitably forward.
But all day things had happened which were not planned and derailed The Asset momentarily from his objectives. During the panic attack, he felt and saw things… There had been real pain. Had the personality imprint worked so well he had created false memories of an event he had never even heard of till 3 months ago?
When Rogers spoke to him sometimes words, images, things he thought he didn’t recognize yet somehow did came to his mind. Being small running down the sidewalk in the rain whooping and cheering for the cool blessing breaking up the heat of the day. Fighting? No, dancing. Many people dancing, exuberant and energetic joyful movement. “32557038…”
The final straw had been while he was using his body as a sexual weapon as opposed to a violent one. Rogers working over him, moonlight spilling in through the window with the breeze, a voice inside said clearly undeniably “I’m Home…” It had been confusing. The Asset wondered who was “I”? Doesn’t home mean 'resident address’ or 'shelter’? The Asset had neither of those things. He tried to not react to the confounding event but a physical malfunction occurred and water began leaking from The Asset’s face.
“Oh, no, are you crying? I’m sorry, I-” Steve worried.
The Asset thought fast and tried to tell the first lie that came to mind but first, nothing came and he started to wonder if something was going wrong when words came out. “I’m so…happy. I’m here with you and I’m happy.” Again, he did not understand the usage of “I”
It didn’t matter. No, his mission was almost complete. Two hours after Rogers fell asleep, The Asset awoke, got out of bed and rummaged the house in stealth. He found a gun and a large kitchen knife. He now stood at the foot of his targets bed. He slipped forward in silence. He planned to first blind Rogers then shoot him. If he shot first there was too large a chance Rogers could brave through the pain like no other human could and would have a chance to fight the gun out of the Asset’s hand. If he only slit his jugular Rogers may still retain energy enough to fight to live. So The Asset would stab him in both eyes, incapacitating him with pain, slice his throat and put a bullet in his heart then his head.
He stood beside the bed a long time before he understood he was doing it wrong. He was supposed to act a long time ago. He had walked over here from across the room and when he arrived he was supposed to begin the assault. But he hadn’t for some reason. He had raised the knife over Rogers’ head and now nothing could make him attack.
He thought he wanted to. A failed mission means a lot of punishment and deterrents and he didn’t want that. No, he wanted to complete the mission and go back to the ice, the only place he knew solace from the mad loud terrifying world. He felt nothing stopping his body from moving. He tried and brought the knife down within a millimeter of Rogers right eye. He could not press forward. He realized nothing in the known universe could make him do it. He tried the gun. He pressed it in as close as he could, as close as he dared without waking rogers. The result was the same.
He returned the weapons to their rightful places in the house. he returned to the bedroom and kneeled on the carpet. He looked at Rogers’ face and the longer he looked, the more images and thoughts came to his mind. It became very distressing. For hours he sat, experiencing ideas and feelings, things that had been absent previously, and when he next asked himself who “I” referred he noted with horror he almost knew. Because “I” could never hurt Steve. “I” would always love him and protect him. “I” knew now that Steve and home had been found and would never let them go again.
Unable to stand it any longer he retrieved the gun. he knew what had to be done now.
7
When Steve opened his eyes he looked down the length of his arm, he saw Bucky holding his right hand. With both of his hands.
Bucky was holding Steve’s fingers around a Glock. It was aimed at Bucky’s forehead. He cried silently and said to Steve “Kill me… You have to…”
Steve’s heart leaped into his throat. He fought down his initial fright to stop himself from accidentally shooting and said “Bucky!? No, stop! This is dangerous! Let go of me-”
“Kill meee! "Bucky hissed not raising his voice but still speaking over Steve.
”-you have to let go of me-“ Said Steve trying to pull his hand and the gun away from Bucky.
”-you have to kill me-“ Bucky insisted pressing the gun barrel into the skin of his forehead. His eyes were open but they were blank in a way Steve had no care for. They looked almost dead, like corpses.
"Bucky, what are you doing?! Please, stop, let me-” He said struggling to stop Bucky pressing his finger into the center of the trigger guard with one of his own metal ones. His finger was just a millimeter or two from the trigger and it scared him more than anything.
“-kill me-!!!!” Bucky growled. His stare was losing its sick emptiness, but that was scarier, having him seemingly to getting close to panic with a loaded gun with it’s mother -CHRIST!- fucking safety off right up against his head where, unless he dodged, he would surely take the bullet in the brainpan.
Unable to take Bucky’s misery and fear anymore Steve shouted “Bucky STOP IT NOW!!! Why are you doing this?! What wrong with you?!”
Holding Steve’s hand in a literal death grip Bucky was saying “Can not do this… I won’t kill you… but I can’t stop SHIELD…” never raising his voice yet quieting the room all the same.
“Bucky… SHIELD? Did you think you would kill me? Why would you do that? Let’s just stop for a minute ok? Just tell me what’s wrong, baby, tell how to help you! Were you…did you think you would kill me?”
“Yes. ” He moaned like a person trying to pass a kidney stone. He was looking at Steve in a way no one ever had. Like he wished he couldn’t and that Steve couldn’t see him either.
“Why? I don’t understand. Why are you doing this, what’s happened?”
“No, no, no! Just pull the trigger, Steve, pull and let’s be done, I can’t pretend to be him anymore. God… let you love me like him, it was wrong, so wrong…never…” Was all Bucky would say.
“What are you talking about, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let me put the gun dow-”
Bucky’s breathing became erratic and escalated until he shrieked at the top of his lungs. His mouth now opened he presses forward placing the barrel of the gun in his mouth. Looking obscenely as if he were going to give it fellatio like he had done Steve’s cock the night before.
Steve leaped out of the bed and only just barely wrenched Bucky’s hands up and over his head. He pulled dragging Bucky off his knees and pushed him down to the floor on his belly.
Bucky allowed the gun to be wrestled from his fingers. He let Steve restrain him. Steve looked on too stunned and keyed up to do anything else. “Buck, I don’t understand what is happening. Please talk to me, make me understand. I promise you, whatever this is, you don’t have to struggle alone. I will help you, no matter how hard or how long the fight.”
Through his tears, Bucky moaned in despair “….Air frequency attack and low dosage hallucinogens released shortly before hand… Mass hysteria meant to mask the drop. You didn’t see the clear pvc harness at all, didn’t feel me unhook it. It was easy to discard in the chaos. I thought I knew every step like the back of my hand. I trained good. I did good… I just didn’t expect to feel anything, I’m not supposed to feel like this!!” He screamed this last as if he were talking about feeling like he was dying. “I wasn’t "I” until last night. I was and now I can’t go back… I can’t complete the mission and when I go back they are going to hu-h-hurt me, but I won’t hurt you. I’m “I” not him, not Barnes… I lied because they told me to! Now it’s breaking me, knowing how good he would have it, how I can never have it again!“
"Bucky, what are you…Bucky why do you keep saying that? Who is…why do you keep speaking like you aren’t who you are??” Steve asked still holding Bucky down but losing his grip somewhat as he tries to process the things Bucky has just said.
“I told you, because I’m-” His speech breaks off there then for a few minutes though Steve is asking him “What? You’re what?” he doesn’t respond nor blink nor breath.
****
With so much pressure in his psyche, something under him broke and Bucky fell momentarily into a pit in his own mind. He falls like he fell off the train that day so very long ago and every memory of every moment returns to him as he’s falling. The images sensation and feelings rush up at him from the dark and every scar he’s had since that fall is now evident to him.
He sees his arm replaced and sees himself trained first like a dog. Naked and starving, scrambling to obey for the smallest comfort or met need. Soon he sleeps, eats, breathes only when he is told to. He is a fast learner. Good doggy, now die inside. Then he is trained like a machine. He is taught to fight his biology, to take control from his own mind and to hand it to them, so they can program him, tell him when to shit or cry, when to fuck or slow his heart rate and play dead. What a good boy. Next he’s trained to be a toy, he learns how to assume identities the way one collects toy cars or figurines. They teach him how to be a whore or a child or a killer. When he plays their party game he plays it well, goes for the high score as Rumlow says.
He remembers every horrible thing, all the killing, destroying, betraying, violating. They program his arm to feel as if he has been flayed for weeks if he tries to disobey in any way no matter how minor. Soon he became one with all of his training, it was the only way to survive, every name crossed out was his only reason for existence. He had no question nor desire, or dream.
Lastly, a mirror becomes visible at the end of this tunnel of tormented memories.
The carefully crafted lenses through which they made him experience himself has cracked, is shattering and has begun to fall away. At first, he saw the image they surrounded him with, the face in the mirror while unwelcome, was familiar, he had seen it sometimes and didn’t like to look too long. Because something, some shadow, lurked behind it and now he could see through the cracks: not a shadow, a man.
Himself.
****
Steve shakes Bucky’s limp body, beginning to beg, “No no no, no he’s just come back to me…No no, please God in heaven, no! Bucky! Bucky, baby, you have to breath…say something…Jesus lord, Bucky! Bucky, you have to breath, baby! Please, no, oh God no..!”
He has rolled him onto his back and is attempting to do a medical run down while in full on panic. He tries to listen for Bucky’s heart but he can’t heart it over his own thundering away inside his chest. His breathway isn’t blocked. Steve can see no reason why this is happening. The only thing he can do is breath for him and if it feels to long run to his phone on the other side of the bed to get help.
Steve is doing his best when on the third time of trying chest compression, screaming at Bucky to "Fucking live, breath, Bucky you fucking live!” as if he can intimidate Buck back to life, Bucky’s lips start to move.
Steve leans down and listens to see if he is saying anything Steve can hear.
“It can’t be. It can’t be. It can’t be.” he says over and over so many times on one breath Steve is sure he is still technically not breathing.
Then with absolutely no warning at all Bucky throws Steve through his own bedroom wall. As Steve goes flying backward he witnesses Bucky vault up from the floor, turn on a single toe and dive across the room out of the bedroom window. There is a horrible crunch of metal. Steve struggles to his feet as quickly as he can, runs and look out to see a car smashed nearly flat with a hole in it’s roof in the shape of a hand and no Bucky in sight.
~
Part 3 the end
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“The UFC Heads To Charlotte! Please Read? A little?” UFC on Fox: Jacare vs Brunson 2 Preview
Joey
Jan 23rd, 2018
The UFC returns to Fox with.....
I mean.....
Okay so this card isn't all that great. The UFC went all out to end the year and made November and December some big months. This Fox card is sort of a victim of that as well as the usual fact that Jan tends to be a thin month PLUS fighters tend to get hurt when it's cold and they tend to not wanna do a training camp around the holidays and etc etc etc. This show is a rather thin show but hey! I'll convince ya to care it because there are some fights worth keeping an eye on. Y'all ready?
Fights: 11
Debuts: 2 (Cory Sandhagen and Austin Arnett)
Fight Changes/Injury Cancellations: 1 ( Ilir Latifi vs OSP Cancelled)
Headliners (fighters who have either main evented or co-main evented shows in the UFC): 4 (Ronaldo Souza, Derek Brunson, Dennis Bermudez, Randa Markos)
Fighters On Losing Streaks in the UFC: 2 (Bobby Green*, Dennis Bermudez)
Fighters On Winning Streaks in the UFC: 4 (Gregor Gillespie, Derek Brunson, Joaquim Silva, Vinc Pichel)
Main Card Record Since Jan 1st 2016 (in the UFC): 18-10
Jacare Souza- 2-1
Derek Brunson- 4-2
Dennis Bermudez- 2-2
Andre Fili- 2-2
Gregor Gillespie- 3-0
Jordan Rinaldi- 1-1
Drew Dober- 3-1
Frank Camacho- 1-1
Too High Up- Drew Dober vs Frank Camacho
Okay so I feel bad about this because Dober/Camacho might be a fantastic fight. At 170 lbs, Camacho/Dober is one of those needed "THROW HANDS AND DO COOL SHIT!" type fights that you put on a card to guarantee an exciting fight where one dude is down to get finished. The problem is that both guys are sort of just there to be action fighters. Nothing is going to change for the winner or the loser, they'll always exist as mauler brawler types who have fun fights. This is a pretty good fight for action purposes but I just don't see main card on Fox. Sorry fellas.
Too Low- Kaitlyn Chookagian vs Mara Romero Borella
This to me would be a fine main card opener. No, it's not going to be a super action fight but Kaitlyn Chookagian vs Mara Romero Borella would be a solid fight with some divisional relevance. Give me this fight over two dudes swangin' on a main card filled already with dudes swangin'
Stat Monitor for 2018:
Debuting Fighters (Current number: 0-3): Austin Arnett, Cory Sandhagen
Short Notice Fighters (Current number: 1-1): 0
Second Fight (Current number: 1-3): Mara Romero Borella, Yi Jeon Kim
Cage Corrosion (2-4): George Sullivan
Twelve Precarious Ponderings
1- 185 lbs is sort of undergoing a bit of an under the radar renaissance of sorts. Robert Whittaker's emergence as a serious dude to know coincides with a heap of new talents being brought in at the weight class, namely guys like Eryk Anders, Oskar Piechota, Karl Roberson, Julian Marquez as well as the emergence of good fighters hitting their stride like Kelvin Gastelum, Anthony Smith, Gerald Meerschaert, Thiago Santos, Antonio Carlos Junior and Paulo Costa. Even with all of that being said, this is still a division that relies on about 6-10 guys to be headliners. Brunson and Jacare are two of those guys who will always be put into positions like this almost entirely due to what they bring to the table. They're known and in the UFC 185 lb class, they're almost always contenders to some various degree. The point I'm going for is that this could be the last chance for both of these guys because there's a heap of fighters under 30 who seem to be knocking on the door to the top of the division.
2- This is a weird sort of event where one of the guys is the hometown guy but you get the feeling that the other guy is the one they really want to build up. The UFC and Jacare reached an agreement on a new contract the day BEFORE he fought Robert Whittaker and so Jacare probably is earning more money now than he ever has before. He's a popular guy who has headlined in Brazil and could in theory be a continuous headliner in Brazil. He's reputable, fans like him and he's the sort of fighter who always seems to be one fight away from the title picture. It's easy to point out that he's lost to the guys in the interim title fight and got smoked by Whittaker but I wonder how much that matters at this point. It's in Brunson's backyard but I wonder if this is all about getting Jacare back into the title picture.
3- Brunson on paper is a pretty intriguing stylistic matchup for Jacare. It's grappler vs wrestler but Brunson hits hard enough to give Jacare reason to pause and avoid getting reckless. If it stays on the feet, I feel like Jacare is the guy with the more versatile offense compared to Brunson but the power is on Brunson's side. Jacare has been dropped and stunned in fights that extend beyond the first round recently and while he's still pretty quick for 185 lbs, I wonder if he's beginning to morph into one of those "Tough Dads" that makes middleweight such a wacky division.
4- Once upon a time not too long ago, Mirsad Bektic was expected to be in that mix at 145 lbs as a serious title contender. He had earned high praise as a prospect and did little in the UFC to disappoint from that regard even if you had concerns about how little he seemed to strike comfortably on the feet. Bektic's journey to the top was halted by Darren Elkins and if you're a prospect who loses at 135 to 155 lbs, you might as well fall off the face of the Earth. Since the loss to Elkins, Bektic has disappeared and might as well be redebuting at this point. There's so much to like about Mirsad Bektic that you're left to hope that he can recover from that loss even better. He got caught wrestling too much vs Elkins, gassed and then got finished when his wrestling abandoned him so it's not like it's a talent related issue I don't believe. Godofredo Pepey is the opponent and he's the right guy to test Bektic; active off of his back, more flash than substance on the feet, holes in the game that can be exploited and a real lack of wrestling savvy to not get taken down.
5- Speaking of "Once upon a time not too long ago", Dennis Bermudez once racked up a winning streak that featured Clay Guida, Max Holloway and Steven Siler. Since then? Well it hasn't quite been as pretty. Bermudez has always been hittable but he's always recovered well and been able to keep himself in the fight. Ricardo Lamas took advantage of Bermudez's slow starts and hittable nature, hurting him early and subbing him with a guillotine. Bermudez and Jeremy Stephens had a fucking amazing fight that ended with Bermudez being on the wrong end of the last knockdown, getting dropped and stopped by a Stephens flying knee on a sloppy takedown. Since then Bermudez has been more and more skittish as a fighter. He's still aggressive when he needs to be but he wrestles more, strikes less and seems almost cautious to the point of self conservation. He had the Zombie hurt and never stepped back on the gas en route to a stoppage loss and he never seemed to get out of the starting blocks vs Darren Elkins. Dennis Bermudez and Andre Fili are similar like minded talents who have struggled finding any sort of footing in the UFC.
6- Some might call Andre Fili inconsistent but let's be real; Fili has gone W-L-W-L-W-L-W-L-W in the UFC. Seems consistent to me, am I right?
7- Juliana Lima is not a fun fighter to watch compete by any stretch of the imagination BUT her vs Randa Markos is a really intriguing fight. This is a battle of two fighters who could exist on the back end of the 115 lb division and both have lost to the elite of the elites (Tecia Torres, Alexa Grasso, Carla Esparza and Joanna Champion to name a few).
8- Gregor Gillespie is a really intriguing 155 lber who is a bit too old to be a prospect (31) but not proven against top competition to feel like we know what he is in total. Unfortunately he's really not getting a fair step up with Jordan Rinaldi who is kind of a bottom layer of the division. Showcase fight for a big market.
9- Vinc Pichel vs Joaquim Silva is a REALLY good fight that is way too buried on this card. It's opening up the FS1 prelims but it's easily better than a collection of fights swimming around on the card above it. Pichel came back from a lengthy absence to flatten Damien Brown and his hands and wrestling skills make him a pretty intriguing 155er. Joaquim SIlva is a little basic for my tastes but he may be one of the best Brazilian "prospects" around. He's another guy we've seen tested before and he's passed those tests.
10- Bobby Green vs Erik Koch is such a battle between two guys who lose in spite of themselves consistently. I am ALL about this fight.
11- The featherweight division has won FOTN the past two shows to kick off 2018 so let's see if they can keep this going on with three straight shows. Bermudez vs Fili has an awesome shot to do it.
12- Any idea why fans have completely hopped off the Niko Price train? Seems totally weird given how good he was prior to his loss.
Must Wins
1- Derek Brunson
It's in his hometown against the highest ranked opponent he's ever faced. For MOST MMA fans, Brunson will always be the guy who loses to the best guys he faces. Machida could've been a guy you could rely on to turn that reputation around but alas alack. Brunson has improved a bunch since their first fight but has he improved enough to leapfrog Jacare?
2- Dennis Bermudez
Two fight skid, co-main event on Fox, opponent who stylistically matches up well with him. Bermudez needs this one.
3- Niko Price
Price finished Alan Jouban, Brandon Thatch and Alex Morono* to the point where it looked like the ATT product would crack the top 10 or so. Price took a step back vs Vicente Luque on short notice and then EVERYBODY forgot who he is. He's under 30 at 170 lbs with fight finishing instincts, length and pacing. The loss to Vicente Luque feels more like a roadblock and not an indictment of what he is.
Five Can't Miss Fights
1- Dennis Bermudez vs Andre Fili
2- Derek Brunson vs Jacare Souza
3- Gregor Gillespie vs Jordan Rinaldi
4- Bobby Green vs Erik Koch
5- Mirsad Bektic vs Godofredo Pepey
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Coronavirus Offer = Stay Home Workout Plan : Bodyweight Training
New Post has been published on https://autotraffixpro.app/allenmendezsr/coronavirus-offer-stay-home-workout-plan-bodyweight-training/
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Did you know Infectious Disease Experts are saying businesses (like YOUR GYM) won’t be open until JUNE?
Michael T. Osterholm – Photo by Stuart Isett for Fortune Brainstorm Health / Flickr cc
Here’s the problem you face: you have to find a way to workout without a gym so that you don’t lose all your progress in quarantine.
But you can’t afford an expensive home gym.
And like most people you probably know about 10 bodyweight exercises. That’s enough to make you bored.
Not to mention, you’re not disciplined enough to spend hours researching & creating a workout from scratch. I don’t blame you. You have better things to do with your time, like watching Netflix & eating chips.
But without any structure in your day or knowledge about where to start, you’re bound to be a full-fledged
Meanwhile, your dreams of washboard abs and ever looking good naked are disappearing before your eyes.
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Step-By-Step explanations of how to perform every exercise, workout, and phase of the program so there’s never any confusion
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Each week of the program consists of three 30-minute workouts, and each day has a Beginner & Advanced option. These PDFs are done-for-you guides to home workouts.
Private Facebook Group
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We coach you through each step of this program so there’s no confusion. From exercise demonstrations to program design, everything is completely & clearly explained.
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If you need help at any point during this program, we are only one email away. Whatever questions or concerns you have, we’ll be there for you, waiting to help & assist.
Exercise Database
This is the crown jewel of Reimagined. We demonstrate how to do each and every movement prescribed throughout this program – OVER 120 BODYWEIGHT EXERCISES
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If Intermittent Fasting is strategically coupled with exercise, it can help MELT fat off your body. We share the basic concepts of IF with you in this BONUS Fasting Module.
We are training partners & lifelong best friends.
Paul (left) started exercising with calisthenics. In the past few years, he began rolling in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, a competitive sport built upon integrative strength through bodyweight control.
Aaron (right) started strength training when he was 14. After getting hurt from muscular imbalances, he corrected his posture with bodyweight movements. While competing as a Division 1 sprinter, he used bodyweight to maintain strength during a stressful season.
What do you get when you put this all together? Smart Workouts that will make you sweat and have fun while making you look better than you ever have before.
EXPECT MORE KILLER WORKOUTS LIKE THIS
The Workout PDFs look like this. We walk you through each step so there’s no confusion.
This is the general workout structure for Weeks 1-7. Weeks 8-10 are more unconventional, incorporating Bodyweight Flows.
Workout & Look Like an Athlete with:
Strength Training
High Intensity Interval Training (HIIT)
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I’m Patrick Brady and Aaron and Paul had me try out Reimagined. Doing it was a great way to get started with my fitness journey. Bodyweight movements are essential for growing stronger and the exercises in this program helped me lose some body fat. I also used some exercises as warmups to get me ready for heavier lifts.
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Rockwall, Inc
My name is Camille and I’m a college student who wanted to learn better ways to exercise and stay in shape without needing gym equipment. This program has given me a plan to follow every time I want to exercise, no matter if I can get to the gym or not. I think Paul & Aaron have made everything really accessible.
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10 Weeks of At Home Workouts
30 Beginner + 30 Advanced Workouts
Exercise Database – Over 120 Exercises
Step-by-Step Coaching Tutorials
Reliable Email Support
Private Facebook Group
Increased Self Confidence
BONUS Guideline to Intermittent Fasting
60 Day Money Back Guarantee
We know this program works both for beginners and advanced athletes IF they fully commit to it. That being said, if for any reason you’ve given this program a fair chance and you’re still dissatisfied with it, we can refund you 100% of what you paid.
100% Bodyweight / At Home Workouts
Beginners, Athletes, Weekend Warriors
3 days a week, 30 minutes each workout
No equipment needed – just yourself!
3 MONTHS OF WORKOUTS FOR $27
Your Gym Will Be Closed for MONTHS.
Control What You Can While You Still Can.
THIS IS A SPECIAL QUARANTINE PRICE. It will be full price soon. You don’t want to miss this chance to improve your home workout routine before all your progress is lost for good…
Let’s get down to earth for a second.
Look, I know this seems like I’m trying to make money off a global pandemic, but that’s not my intention. Paul and I created this program in 2018, and we’ve been trying to find a way to share it since we packaged it last year.
We created this program because we love working out together. Paul and I love training not only because it strengthens our bodies but because it shapes our character and sharpens our self-image. The training in this program–meaningful, intentional, purposeful training–has helped us to see what’s actually possible in this life. These concepts have changed our lives and formed us into the men we are today. We have come to embrace the truth of who we are.
This program was created for a reason, but we never could’ve envisioned a moment of global pandemic and lockdown. Nobody saw this coming. Nobody could have predicted businesses shutting down and gyms closing.
But we believe in social responsibility. We believe it’s our unique mission at this moment in time to share this Home Workout program with the world. So while global communities are in quarantine, we’re going to get the word out. This is how we’re going to help.
The information inside this Home Workout Plan is tremendously important. It can help keep people healthy in body, mind, and spirit as we bear the coming days of isolation. You can be educated on how to move your body better, with strength and ease and purpose. Not only education, but you and your loved ones can stay in shape and in harmony. It can be a beacon of hope in a stagnant time.
The Coronavirus may be knocking on your door. There’s nothing you can do about that.
But what you can do–indeed, what you can control–is how you spend your time in quarantine.
Will you come grow stronger with me?
With Love,
Aaron Lemma
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#theweightlossstruggleis REAL: Day 1
So today is day 1^. No particular reason why today is day 1 other than the fact that it's gonna be the first day of this thing that I'm doing. No real reason why today I got a wild hair up my A$$ to do this but I did so I am. At this point you are probably really confused and want to know what the #fuykakie I'm talking about, so let me break it down for you: I'm overweight (102 lbs. to be exact). I was taking pictures with this guy I'd been seeing for a while (2 years) and there wasn't a single picture that didn't make me want to cry. I felt doughy and unsightly and I felt like I looked unhealthy, and that's not what I wanted to portray because that’s not how I feel.
I know, I know people always say it doesn't matter what you look like and there are a bunch of women who are overweight who are embracing there bodies as beautiful. *Crowd Cheers* ~> As you F*^%ing should ladies, you rock your beautiful bodies and have confidence in yourselves. If you feel healthy and happy than F^%# whatever anyone has to say about it.
I've been hearing I need to lose weight since I was 10 I think, and I used to have shame and issues around it (and lot of issues, like atlas holding the world size issues, like crying in the dressing room corner issues) but in the last 3-4 years I've stopped being ashamed of my body and I was fine with however I looked as long as I was healthy and happy, (like I said before^) and okay I actually wasn't healthy at the time- *FACT: I drank like a fish, smoked like a chimney and participated in the occasional recreational drug probably more frequently than can be reasonably deemed occasional! The point is that now on the verge of 30 (😱) I'm healthier than I have been in my younger adult years. ?Maybe it's an age thing or maturity thing I don't know, that's not what this is about but since we are on this note I will say this~> I started paying much closer attention to my body after I quit smoking and that's probably because when you are smoking it's a scapegoat and you can literally blame almost anything on smoking and it's an addiction so what are people gonna say? I lost hours in my day in pursuit of my habit (like 5-6 hours smoking) when I could have been working and making money and if I got sick everyone would say “it’s because you smoke so much” and it's true but I wasn't about to admit that or stop for that matter... until I had my first big health scare, I was diagnosed with Vertigo (I know I didn’t know it was a real thing either, I thought it was just a movie!). Now the two ultimately had nothing to do with each other, other than the fact that smoking was exacerbating the symptoms of the vertigo (which were intense!). To give you an idea, have you ever been swimming and lose your sense of direction in the water? You don’t know which direction your going, you can’t breath and panic sets in... and that’s only a fraction of what it’s like. <~more on that later.
The point is that I don’t feel happy anymore... so it ends today. I currently weight 237 pounds and some odd ounces (which I am ill-concerned with because I’m just not, I don’t care) and according to the BMI for someone of my height (5′5″ and a half maybe) I should be in the range of around 120-145, that’s considered “normal”/”healthy”, so that’s my unofficial goal. The official goal is 135, I think that’s reasonable but that may change as time goes on (we will just see how I feel) and of course I will post pictures to track progress and I’ll be posting something everyday *fingers crossed* if my schedule allows, to address the weight loss struggle. Just to be clear I don’t think that weight loss, healthy lifestyle changes or anything along that vein of what I’ll be ranting about has to be a struggle, I just know I struggle with it and I’m certain other people do too so this ones for the strugglers (<~not a word).
Day 1 goal: No Caffeine (I already hate this sh*t), only water today. I had a bunch of sushi yesterday and sake and beer, and gin... I drank my meals yesterday. Oh and I had cheesecake before bed so that was a thing that happened. Point is: WATER.
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