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feefymo · 3 months

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The Rorchach Effect - Part 1

Jimmy Darling x fem! reader - NSFW • MDNI word count: 2757 author's notes: it was like a multiple birth but here we are. This is my very first attempt of a fanfiction (and it's not written in my native language) but I worked a lot on it and I hope you enjoy it. I tried to keep It simple. After mulling it over I chose to divide the fic in two parts and yes: the smut is in the second part! It's not proofread because I'm a kamikaze, yes. Little curiosity: I was partly inspired by Saltburn and this soundtrack. What else? I'll leave you to read! Be kind, pleaseee! My hashtag is #ficfymo ! summary: Elsa threw a party for Jimmy's birthday but no one knows where he ended up. Fem! Reader POV. warnings: mention of violence, and blood. I think that's it, for now. https://open.spotify.com/intl-it/track/6Huqy9WdEE3rMazEQgajn2?si=2105621ac0044260

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome.

I'm the one they call the Rorschach Woman; my real name is not important.

Do any of you know what vitiligo is? Vitiligo is a disease but in the maternal arms of Elsa Mars, nothing is bad. None of her adopted children are sick: we all have a gift, don't we, Elsa? I had a boundless love for ballet, I was busily studying psychiatry, I was a "prodigy girl" or, at least, I thought I was. Then, the vitiligo showed up. What I thought was my downfall, according to Elsa, represented the true miracle. I gave up dancing; I gave up on my dream of becoming a researcher. I lost the support of my real parents because my appearance had changed but hey! Now I have my own number in Elsa Mars Freak Show. I'm here to enchant you. To let you read the spots on my face. I'm here to interpret your minds. This is my personal test of Rorschach, offered to you, kind audience. A few dollars and you can study me, myself every night but not every night are like this. Tonight I want to tell you a story 'cause today is my best friend's birthday. The brother I've chosen. Tonight, a big party was thrown for him but there's no trace of him. Where did you go, Jimmy Darling?

Let's take a step back.

I've never seen the camp so packed. Never. If all these people showed up for every show, each of us would be filthy rich. I don't understand how it is possible and yet, Elsa must have performed one of her magics. She says she consider Jimmy her blood, so she claimed to organize everything herself. She chose a party theme: "Normal People". She call it "satire", a mockery towards those who are truly considered normal. Some of us believed her, others adapted to avoid getting into trouble. The truth is that, by disguising ourselves according to the canons, we appear even less credible. Grotesque. Ridicolous. I couldn't resist a subtle provocation, so I made my complexion uniform but with the white of French mimes. Like a pierrot. Totally painted in white, I wander around in a champagne dress. I look like a crazy moth until I find the flame. That flame is Jimmy himself, surrounded by a myriad of strangers who urge him to blow out the candles.

- Happy birthday… uhm… -

- Happy birt… Joseph? -

- Jack? John? -

- I think it's Jimmy. -

- Jimmy? Are you sure? -

- JIMMY! -

The music does not cover the murmurs nor the embarrassment that comes down like a curtain. I try to push and elbow to reach my best friend but I can't. He's standing there, nerves to edge: he looks around, clenching his teeth. He seems lost while he's trying to put an unconvinced smile on his Peter Pan face. Once the candles have been blown out, Jimmy disappears in the general disinterest. Nobody cares, the party continues as if nothing had happened, fueling an atmosphere that has nothing normal about it. It's something like a mesmerizing nightmare in the suffused lights that Elsa had placed everywhere. A luminous design that even turns into a labyrinth in the wild meadow near the main event. It should be a modern fairy tale for the privileged who want to escape from the routine. For us, scum, it's an illusion. A utopia, a warning of what we will never achieve but I don't give a fucking damn. Sincerely. If I'm still here it's not because of Elsa nor because I truly appreciate her Cabinet Of Curiosities. I'm still here for my "acquired family" and for the boy who should be the protagonist of the evening which no one cares about.

Driven by the chaos, I search for familiar faces in the dim light until I come across Ethel; she shaved her chin. She is holding a plate with a slice of cake that she has prepared herself and she's standing in the dancing crowd, with a worried and resigned look. We both knows who the cake is for: Ethel has seen his son, maybe talked to him but she won't chase him. I prefer to not disturb her but I don't give up: retreating into a slit of darkness I collide with someone and jump perhaps exaggeratedly. Paul emerges from the darkness, rubbing his side with a grimace. He wears a hideous, gigantic suit to disguise his condition. It makes it look like a sad parallelepiped. Doctor Frankenstein's Creature.

-Paul, sorry! Did I hurt you?! -

-Nah, no biggies! What about you? You're nervous, what's happening? -

-Well, uh, I'm… have you seen Jimmy? I've been looking for him all night. -

- First I saw him with a brunette, she was dragging him towards El-'s tent… hey, that's the one over there! -

But the brunette is not in Jimmy's company: laughing rudely with her friends, she passes by me in a sweet-smelling cloud of glitters. She carries with her a kind of old oil lantern lit on a gesture that makes my blood run cold: cheeky, she twirls a battered glove on her head and, in one breath of Pink Lady, she's already too far away. Even though I would like to, I'm not going to confront her and complicate things because I prefer to follow her steps backwards. An alarm screams wildly inside me and I have to comply with it by launching myself out of the tent. The humidity of the night sticks to my skin, kneading the white paint that I thought was dry. I'm a mess inside and out but it doesn't matter at all.

- JIMMY! - I call, shout and run. I run, run, run like a fugitive. A voice whispers the worst to me and maybe I'm crazy but I can't help it. - JIMMY! - I keep repeating myself but he doesn't answer. The throat burns, the feet go by themselves, swaying dangerously on the heels. I didn't even realize I had ventured onto the lawn until I felt tickles on my ankles. Fräulain Elsa's illuminations invite me to follow their aura like drunken fireflies and I, disaffected, accept. I'm not afraid that Jimmy is dead but, worse, that he's gone. That he left me alone, leaving suddenly and without me. He promised me that if we ever succeeded, we would leave together and one suitcase would be enough to move to Europe. He always kept his promises, he…

I stop, crystallized in the heaviness of the evening. I hear noises scattered throughout the maze of light bulbs: they come from a specific point but they echo and bounce in the air. It sounds like the clumsy moan of an animal that it would be better not to get close to but I obstinately follow the source to the center of the maze. Once I reach my destination I jump somewhere between horror and relief, putting a hand to my mouth so as not to be discovered immediately. Sitting on the ground is Jimmy Darling. Hunched over, he turns his back to me and fiddles with something I don't understand. He is surrounded by objects, some of which I cannot distinguish. There are a few bottles including one of vermouth still sealed, half a lemon, a shirt reduced to a pile of wrinkles in Granada Green, the other glove specially sewn for the party. Some salt, perhaps? The worst aspect, the most dramatic touch, is a pinata hanging over his skull. A lobster-shaped pinata. As I try to figure out whether or not I'm awake, a low, deep growl forces its way into Jimmy's lungs, flaying them with increasing violence. The growl is quickly turning into the pained cry of an already wounded beast. I won't respect his privacy any longer, so I walk over to him and kneel before him.

- JIMMY! JIM, STOP IT! STOP, DAMMIT! - Jimmy was on the verge of cutting off his left hand with a rusty knife but my arrival ruined his plans. He doesn't recognize me right away and his immediate reaction is to turn against me. He is much, much stronger than me but, even if he vehemently chases me away, I attack again in what turns into a blind scuffle. The moment Jim realizes it's really me, he drops his guard groggily. He is no less upset, nor willing to suddenly change his mind but he grabs me by the elbows and pushes me away roughly so that I don't end up hurting myself. Crawling on the ground, he steps back before pulling himself up and staggering but he isn't drunk. He's been drinking but it's not the alcohol that shakes him like this: I recognize the difference, also because I've never seen him in this state. In his big good eyes there is no freshly roasted coffee but boiling petrolium. His expression, a cracked mask of hatred and at the same time authentic desperation, reduced to its core. He trembles in his sweat-soaked undershirt and makes a gesture that he has never deemed necessary in front of me. He hides his hands, trying in vain to put them in his back pockets, like a child caught red-handed. Does he feel reassured by my presence? Is he bothered by it? He's gasping.

Jimmy what… what are you doing? Why?! - I ask him in tears, advancing slowly on my knees. - NO! - he spits out a scream, trying to freeze me in place. - Please… Y/N, no. Enough. That's enough. - I shake my head, I'm confused and I rub my now soaked cheeks. Gray due to the white mixing with the black of the mascara.

- What are you talking about, pleas st-… -

- SHE SCREAMED, Y/N! SHE SCREAMED IN GENUINE TERROR, I TELL YOU!-

- BUT WHO, JAMES?! FOR GOD'S SAKE, WHO?! -

He hates it when I call him James but that seems strangely to appease him. He stares at me like a madman and, in silence, seems to wonder how it is possible that I don't know the circumstances of his delirium but, gradually, lucidity returns and, at the same time, an atrocious sadness. - That… oh, fuck. She was one of the very few people to smile at me and make me sincere wishes. Did she really want to spend time with me… did I fall for it like an idiot? I do not know. It was her! She chose it, I warned her but… - while Jimmy tries to explain, he forgets to hide from me and gesticulates, so I notice a burn on the hand that he was seriously about to cut off. The living flesh fades from red to the paleness of the bladder. Grains of not completely dissolved salt outline the surface like grotesque lace. He must have poured it in. - She took off my glove, alluding to my skills as a pilot but then a heartbreaking scream and… and… I had to let it go. Instead, I tried to calm her down but she…how the fuck is that possible? How did she not know I'm a fucking freak? It was written all over the damn thing! But she knew it. She knew it very well. My attentions were the perfect excuse to defend herself. She called me a monster, a half-man, an abomination and so on, you know, what's new? But then… she burned me with her fucking lantern. You convince yourself that you have a zest, that you are used to it and yet it's not true. And, as with Meep, the day comes when insults are no longer enough. - he doesn't have the courage to look at me but what he says is intimate. Devastating. Shareable. - The bar of wickedness is raised. Of course! That girl wasn't defending herself. She squirted oil on me once, twice, three times. She was torturing me, only stopped because I raised my arms and… the fear came back. She's gone. -

I'm annihilated. Annihilated by what I see and hear, I undergo the hypnosis of Jimmy's pain which soon becomes mine too. His irises are diluted by a sea of tears; suffering makes him unfairly wonderful. In the meantime I have reached him and, from the bottom of my position, I stare at him without embarrassment. I wrap one arm around his knees while the other grabs his good hand and places it on the back of my neck. He wants to take it away, he puts up a feeble resistance but he hears me sobbing and stops immediately. - Yes, Jimmy: her wish was to hurt you. This isn't a party, it's a visit to the slaughterhouse and we are the pigs. As always. - now I hold him with both arms, rubbing my face between his knees. The fabric of his trousers becomes stained white make-up until my skin is almost clean. I raise my head. My face's a palette used between stains that can be washed away and stains that my skin retains.

- Look at me. Are you looking at me? -

- I am. - he says, with the tone of someone who absolutely has to convince you. He hasn't noticed but he's stroking my hair. His eyebrows furrowed and his mouth turned down. -The kindness with which you caress me has never belonged to anyone among the few who have touched me. Not even my mother. - I'm deadly serious. I look at him with watery eyes but it's his tear that rains down my forehead. - Not even to myself. - because I mistreated myself, inflicted physical pain and consequent signatures but he… - If those are really claws, everyone should have them. Maybe they would learn what kindness is. - if I wasn't the one talking to him, he wouldn't believe me. He would mock me, it would be bitter and biting. Instead he fights with the truth that I offer him and stares at me dazed. Almost angry, hunted. The problem is that he believes me, so he picks me up and it's as if he's looking at me for the very first time. His forehead is damp with sweat, so I free his unruly curls before rummaging through my clutch bag. I make sure he follows my gestures and I take out a box of matches: I choose one and place it under the perfect curve of his nose. He flinches but stays as I light the end and, solemnly, set the piñata on fire. While the papier-mâché lobster is devoured by the flames, little by little, melted sweets and chocolate perish in the meadow. Neither of us needs to introduce what's about to happen: just as I stand on tiptoe, he lowers his disheveled head and the tips of our noses meet. It's the last chance to retract before the soft "m" of his upper lip meets my lower lip, dehydrated from makeup. In the first friction there is the disbelief of all the years in which we have not allowed ourselves and then, surrounded by the smell of burning, the kiss intensifies in an unstoppable crescendo. Jimmy wraps his bare arms around my body with the eagerness of someone who must survive. For my part, I let out a moan and cling to his shoulder blades: I realize what I wanted and how much I needed to be satisfied. Jimmy and I share the thrill of the kiss, so much so that he murmurs something incomprehensible against my teeth before parting them with his tongue and searching for mine. He holds my head as if I were water and he was drinking and he doesn't care about the cosmetic taste I have on; his lips turn pale. He slides down my neck without any self-control and I understand that he would take me here, right now. In the midst of the fire. - Wait. - I try to stop him with a deafening smooch. We are out of breath and the air is irrespirable but he stares at me with an imploring look. - How much longer? - he plead. I feel his blood vibrate under his golden skin, between the vertebrae of his broad back. - You have to trust me: I have an idea. - The smoke screen rises towards the sky and us. We… dissolve in the middle.

taglist: @taintandviolent @silverzoomies @doll3tt33 @wh0re43van @fear-is-truth + PLEASE, If you want to be added or I forgot someone, let me know!

#evan peters #american horror story #evan peters fanfic #jimmy darling #ahs freakshow #evan peters smut #jimmy darling x reader #ahs murder house #ahs asylum #ahs hotel #ahs cult #ahs fandom #james patrick march #kit walker #kai anderson #ficfymo #angst #bff to lovers

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billthedrake · 2 years

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MY SON'S PORN LIFE

It was just porn, I rationalized, and I'm a man with a more than healthy libido. Married with three kids, I have a decent sex life with my wife, especially considering that we've been married for 25 years now.

But I like to jerk off, too, and since I turned 50, my bi side had been rearing itself more. A while back I went through a phase of lining up no-strings BJs from guys on the side. I'd put that behind me, but I still got off on the fantasy of fucking a guy or having him suck me. 8 times out of 10, when I was looking for stroke fodder, I'd pull up a gay porn video.

Then came the fateful day. I didn't even know what I was looking at first. I was just browsing one of those free video sites and saw a thumbnail of two hot bodies with a tag like "Hot Jocks Fuck After Practice." Unlike with women, I don't even know that I have a type when it comes to guys, but these dudes looked hot... muscular and young 20s, smooth bodied. They're probably everyone's type.

I clicked, and my heart sank.

It started out PG-rated, with two jockish guys sitting on a couch, one with his arm draped over the other's shoulder as the cameraman asked them questions and the guys talking about being excited for the scene that was about to happen.

One of the young men, the blond hunk with his arm draped over the beefier dark-haired guy, was my son Travis.

Holy fuck. I got a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach. I couldn't believe it at first. My oldest kid - and only son - was doing gay porn. I listened to another half minute of the pre-sex interview and watched as Travis turned to the dark-haired dude, with a playful lust in his blue eyes and said, "Yeah, Sam has an amazing ass." He turned back to the camera with a grin and added, "Like, big fucking meaty cakes..."

"Ha," the cameraman laughed. "You ready to do this then?"

"Hell yeah," the dark haired guy replied.

I closed the browser, hyperventilating.

My Trav. Good kid, great student, played football at the expensive college we sent him to. I didn't know how long he'd been doing porn, or if this was a one-off. I wondered if he had any troubles, financial difficulties, drugs, gambling, whatever, that led him to do this. I wondered if I should tell his mother.

But I paused, staring at now blank screen. Maybe Travis was doing this for money, but he seemed to be enjoying himself. Sure there was playing along, but you can only fake so much.

And I knew Kate would freak out. She wasn't judgmental, but this was something else. Besides, she was the worrying sort of mother. That's why I loved her, that's why she was such a wonderful parent. But this would break her heart. I'd be keeping this to myself.

***

It was mid-afternoon in the office when Kate called. "Brad, you still able to make Caitlin's game today?" Our middle daughter Courtney was in college now, and Caitlin was now a senior in high school, which meant these soccer games would soon be a thing of the past.

I didn't mind, really. I had a sales job that could be crazy busy and required a lot of travel but days like that day I had some flexibility. And I loved my girls and enjoyed being the supportive dad. There were a few soccer parents who regularly showed up and we all kind of bonded. And the girls' team was really good that year. It was fun.

"Yeah, I'll be there."

"Great," my wife said. "I should be able to catch the last half, and maybe we can get dinner out. I have book club tonight," she reminded me.

We wrapped our conversation and I checked the clock. 2:30. I put in another hour of work, then cut out early.

I knew I'd be on my own for taking care of my orgasm that evening, so I went home first. I had enough time for a nice, leisurely stroke and looked forward to enjoying it.

As I got to my bedroom and kicked off my shoes, though, a thought hit me. A curiosity, sure, but also a horniness.

I wanted to watch my son Travis fuck a guy.

I was shaking a little as I searched again for that video. But I wasn't as hesitant as I should have been. It took me a few seconds to find it. That familiar thumbnail. My heart beat. I pressed play.

I listened to the introductory banter. The flirtiness between the two guys, putting on their dumb-jock act. Then the cameraman prodding, "You ready to do this then?"

I was rock hard. My son kissed dark haired guy. Trav looked like a smooth operator, snaking his tongue between the other guy's lips and making out, softly at first, then with more lust.

Their hands now removed their tank tops. Dark haired guy was real muscular, like a total gym body. Still had his baby fat, which made his bulk hotter somehow. I watched Trav feel him up, and I had to unzip.

Travis was the real star, though. Ripped, waxed smooth, tanned muscle contrasting with his adorable boy next door looks. My eyes were riveted to him, drawn as much as the dark haired guy's hands, which were now pawing at Travis's bare chest and abs, and then moving down...

I let out a groan when that hand cupped Travis's crotch. This was the moment of truth. Was I going to watch more?

I couldn't stop it, or take my eyes away. Trav got a playful look on his face and undid his shorts, making his abs crunch as he lifted his hips to slide them off.

There it was. My son's cock. His erection, long and thick, very much like my own. I never thought of myself as having a porn star cock, but I knew I was hung, and now I had a son who literally had a porn star dick.

I felt the excitement over take me as I stroked my own prick and jets of semen shot out. Uncontrollably. A crazy orgasm that had my head flushed and pounding from the taboo excitement.

I shut the video and the computer. And I quickly cleaned my mess.

Fuck.

***

Yeah, I felt like a heel. But I'd gotten off big time, and I knew I would again.

By now I had a good lead. Trav went by the name of "Brent" and was a Sean Cody model. Turns out this wasn't his only, or even his first video.

I found the others. Each one was better than the last. Travis was the jock-next-door type who played it up for the camera. His MO seemed to be to start off slow and romantic with a guy and work up to really pounding the bottom's ass with long, hard strokes. More than one came hands free from it. I just about did, even watching.

I watched them all, savoring them one by one until I was able to make it to the end of each. Then I watched them repeatedly, too much. I thought the guilt would kick in and I'd come to my senses, but I never did. I thought the novelty of the forbidden fruit would wear off, but I came buckets watching Travis fuck guys. Every single time.

I dug around more. From the comments on blogs, it seemed that "Brent" was a fan favorite. There was some bitching from guys that Sean Cody didn't have stars like Travis any more, that they'd gone downhill over the last year.

That hit me for some reason. I mean, I was glad that porn was just a temporary thing for my son. Logically, I would have been happier if it hadn't been a thing at all for him. But fuck, I wanted to see more. I loved watching my son. It was like spying on him, letting me be a voyeur into his sex life. And, hands down, Travis was just a stud.

I initially felt a burst of shame when I saw my wife or daughters after I stroked off. But they didn't know. I was still a good father, though if Travis knew I wouldn't blame him for having another opinion of me.

When Travis came home for Christmas, it hit me. The awkwardness, the weight of the secret. He thought I was just stressed from work or something, I guess. We ended up having a good visit with him. But he seemed like he had something on his mind.

The last day, he gathered us around the table. He was nervous as hell, but he came right out with. "I've got something to tell you guys... I'm gay."

Caitlin and Courtney immediately got out of their chairs and went to hug their big brother. I never was prouder of them.

I wondered if Kate had any inclination, but I could tell then that she was surprised. She was supporting as always though. Not touchy feely like our daughter, but more communicative.

It was my turn. "We love you son. And I'm proud as hell of ya." I was getting a little teary but tried to be the stoic Dad. I think Travis appreciated both.

***

Life moved forward. Caitlin graduated from high school and was getting ready to head out East for college. Courtney was applying to med schools. Kate and I were starting to talk seriously about retirement and making plans for a future now that the kids were flying the coop.

Travis was now 25, out of college and living in Chicago. He worked as a personal trainer and just enjoyed being a young guy in the big city. He was probably enjoying dating and the gay scene, but I didn't know the details. But I had a sales visit in Chicago pretty often and I'd always book an extra night to have some quality time with my son.

It was nice to have a break from the "Brent" videos. Maybe it was the increased sex with Kate, a kind of second honeymoon, but I was watching way less porn. And while I visited Travis's videos from time to time, I wasn't as obsessed with them.

Until I saw a new one. An OnlyFans one shot in a hotel room. Only he was no longer "Brent" but "JakeTheJock." But it was the same hunky Travis, he'd even put on a little more muscle. And the same fuck technique... romantic making out, some swapped BJs or 69 for foreplay. Rimming his bottom, then going to pound town on him bareback.

It was like a junkie mainlining after getting out of rehab. I knew I shouldn't be watching, but there was just an incredible rush, a high even. I had gotten to where I regularly busted twice in a session watching Travis fuck, but this had me getting off three times.

It took some creativity but I found a way to subscribe to Trav's OnlyFans without any telltale signs on my credit card statement. With regularity, I found time to get off to watching my very hunky son have sex. The guilt hadn't gone completely away, but I'd gotten real good and compartmentalizing it. The weird thing is for as much as I watched my son's porn videos, I didn't have any specific fantasies involving me and him. It was just an immediate lust, combined with the thrill of taboo and the voyeurism of almost spying on him. Seeing his secret life.

At first I missed the relative professionalism of the Sean Cody vids, but Travis's OnlyFans offered the advantage of quantity. Every week, I got to watch Travis with another guy. Or a repeat session with one of the other OF "stars." He was branching out beyond jock types like him and doing other men. Some older, some beefier, some hairy. I loved watching it all. A couch BJ in a New York apartment, or shower sex in some London hotel. I was following up on my son's travel through his porn page.

***

It was hard to look at my son the same way again. I loved him and respected him as a normal proud parent, but when I visited him, in the back of my head all I could think of was Travis's toned muscle, his big thick dick and the size of his cum loads oozing out of some muscle dude's ass.

For what it was worth, my son SEEMED happier now, enjoying his life and his day job and filling me in a little on his dating life when I came to visit.

"Maybe I'm not ready to settle down," he admitted with a grin as we had dinner in some downtown restaurant that Travis had picked a change of pace from the expense account steakhouses I took prospects on my sales call.

God help me I found my son so attractive at that moment. The dim light of the restaurant bringing out his blond hair and blue eyes and his dimples and perfect teeth. I actually threw hard in my suit trousers under the tablecloth.

I was fucked up, I knew, but the next day I requested to be put more regularly on the Midwest territory at work. I passed it off as seniority and wanting some closer travel, but really I just wanted to be in Chicago more.

***

The next video my life changed. It was a Tuesday after my Chicago visit and I'd cut out of work a little early to have some time with a new video that was planned to drop. I still had no idea how far in advance Travis shot these. Maybe it was made right after my visit or weeks before.

I just knew something was different about this one. Travis had been paired with some older men before, mostly fitness buff types and muscle guys. But this one with by the handle "CornfedDaddy" and he looked a little like Travis - blond and blue eyed, that Scandinavian-German stock giving him some real height and bulk. He looked even more like me. Middle aged, fit but more normal looking than a normal porn star. I wondered how Travis's fan subscribers would react but seeing Travis making out with this dude got me hard as fuck.

I knew it was because I imagined myself in CornfedDaddy's place, and Travis actively attracted to me.

And that attraction was real. Travis wasn't faking the intensity of that kiss or the excitement in feeling up that 40-something bulk. My hunky son seemed almost dreamy voice as he growled, "Ready to show the guys something new, Daddy?"

That very word almost had me coming.

The man was like one of my goddamn work colleagues, or the married men you'd see around Kansas City. And he talked like a suburban guy, too. "Fuck yes," he answered with a happy laugh.

Travis's strong hand massaged the man's boner through his shorts, then pushed the hem down. CornfedDaddy might not have had a porn star body, but that dick was big, bigger than Travis's.

I watched as my son leaned over and started sucking on that giant hog.

I came, my first cum, shooting hard into my fist. I had to let go to cool off and stop the video a second. I wiped off the excess cum and tossed the kleenex in the trash. This was gonna be an epic stroke session.

I took a look around and checked my phone. Coast was going to be clear for a while. I resumed watching.

I'd seen Travis suck a dick before, but this felt more purposeful and certainly more of a challenge than the other bottoms he'd been with. But like before, he pulled off and leaned back on the couch, ready for his turn at being serviced. He pulled down his shorts and I saw my son's beautiful dick. I was proud I'd created a man that amazing.

CornfedDaddy got a big grin and scooted down onto his knees, between Travis's legs. I loved watching guys suck my son. Occasionally Travis would post oral only videos of some guy blowing him and swallowing his load. I don't know that I preferred those to the fucking but they were amazing in their own different way.

But Cornfed Daddy had a different kind of swagger to his dad-next-door expression. "Lift em up, son," he urged. And Travis did, pulling those thick, knotted thighs up and back to his chest.

The Daddy dove in, starting to rim Travis with an excited urgency.

"That's it, Daddy, eat my hole!" my son cried.

I shot the second time.

I was hyperventilating now. It took me a second to get the energy to pause the video. Daddy was just pulling out.

I looked down at my load. Not as heavy as the first, but jesus it was heavier than it had a right to be. I was grateful now that I hadn't chickened out or let my guilt stop me from subscribing to Travis's videos.

I took more of a break this time. I got some water and checked some work emails. I knew I wanted another cum, but i was in my 50s. I'd need some recovery time.

Finally, I was ready. I already knew this would be a video I'd savor for many sessions. I resumed it and wondered it was going to go where I dreamed it might.

It did. Cornfed grabbed some lube and slicked up his cock before lining it up with my sons hole, teasing it some.

"First time on camera, right?" he asked Travis.

My son's adorable smile showed as he nodded. "Fuck yeah. Figure it was time for those guys to watch me get fucked."

Cornfed gave him a quick kiss then leaned up and hissed. "Let's show them, then."

And like that I was watching another man penetrate my stud son's hot ass.

I held off stroking and just let my cock ache in hardness as I watched. I knew instinctively this was not Travis's first cock. But the virginity idea hit me deep, and the men on screen were playing it up.

Travis leaned back and stroked his big dick and came hard, shooting ropes on his ripped torso.

Cornfed kept fucking, but within a minute he was getting close, too. I watched him approach his nut and started stroking myself, trying to time my third cum with the ejaculation inside my son. It was pretty close. Watching that Daddy orgasm and hearing his grunt sent me firing.

By now, I was feeling spent and overstimulated. I had to shut the video and focus on something besides what I saw.

****

I had a Chicago sales call the following week. I gave Travis some space, telling him I'd be in the city more now and if he had other plans, he shouldn't feel obligated to meet up this time.

"Nonsense, Dad," he said. "I have some evening clients that day but I could meet you after."

I had a business dinner anyway, so I told him I'd come to Boystown for a change, and meet him for a drink around 9:30.

God, he looked like a million bucks, his workout clothes fitting his form well. He had an amazing body on camera, but up close his muscle seemed firmer, bigger. I had a fleeting thought that I should hire him as my personal trainer.

I was tempted to have a normal evening, but it had been weighing on my mind. The need to come clean. Not all of it of course, but halfway through our first drink I dropped the bombshell.

"Trav... I know how to bring this up, but I know about your videos," I said quietly.

I expected a sense of shame or embarrassment, but Travis mostly just seemed surprised. "Did someone tell you?" he asked.

I shook my head, letting out more than maybe I should. "No, I just stumbled on one."

That made my son grin. "So you watched me?" he asked with a gentle laugh.

The fact that my son didn't seem put off by me watching him made my heart pound and my mind go where it shouldn't. But I lied. "No... when I saw it was you...." I didn't know how to explain, maybe because there was no good explanation.

Travis's laid back nature put me at ease some. "I didn't know you were into gay stuff, Dad," he said with an easy smile. I could tell he was happy with that knowledge. Maybe it made him feel less of an outcast in the family or something.

"I guess I have a bi streak when it comes to porn," I admitted. I figured it was the least I could own up to, since I'd practically admitted it already. "But you're not telling your mother," I added with a playful smile of your own.

"Don't worry, Dad," he assured me. "Um, does she know about my porn life."

"No," I said. "No guarantees someone won't tell her, though."

He nodded. "Yeah, I figure. I mean, I'm not ashamed of it, Dad. I enjoy it and it's good money coming in. I'll probably be able to buy a nice condo in a year or so."

I shook my head with a little wince. For as much as I'd perved to my son, a father doesn't like hearing this kid is doing something which may harm him. "I hope you don't mind that I brought it up."

Travis patted my leg. Not flirty, but affectionate. "Nah, it's good you did. I don't like keeping secrets." He took as sip of his drink then continued, "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Depends," I said. Nervous for what he was going to ask.

"So, when you came across my vid, you must have been watching some other stuff, right?"

"Yes," I replied softy.

Travis's expression got a little naughty grin. "Like, what kind of stuff?"

"Travis!" I admonished him.

"Come on, Dad," he coaxed me, undaunted. "It's just porn. All guys watch it."

God, there was something so assured and open about my son's embrace of sexuality that had me opening up to him. "There are a couple of guys that I like," I said, naming two of the Only Fans models I'd seen Travis paired with: MusclePupXXX and MrCakes.

I could tell my son was glad I told him. A secret between us, and maybe a bond. "I know those guys," he smiled. "I can hook you up with one if you like."

"Jesus!" I swore. Then gaining my calm, I tried to respond with a quip, "In case you don't remember, I'm a married man."

He shrugged. "It's just sex. I mean, men are pigs right?"

I worried maybe my son was way too jaded and that doing porn hadn't helped him. A scary idea occured to me. "Trav... you're not hustling are you?" I'd been afraid to ask.

Travis sighed. "It's not like that, Dad," he said. I wish he'd come out and said "no." But I got some assurance out his reply. "I like doing porn and that's good enough for me. It helps me build my client base up, too."

"For real?" I asked. For some reason I hadn't thought there would be a benefit to doing those videos.

"Oh yeah," my son explained. "I get so much business from guys who want me as a trainer."

"What? Do you sleep with them?" Then I held my hands up. "You know what? That's none of my business."

"You really wanna know," Travis was challenging me. "I don't charge them for it, but yeah, if they're hot and there's chemistry, then I'll have sex with them. It's fun and I've met a lot of hot guys that way. They're happy, too." He paused and gauged my reaction. "You don't approve, do you?"

I sighed and shook my head. "It's me who's worried about you not approving," I said.

Travis seemed surprised. "For watching gay porn? Dad, that's like the most normal thing ever. Seriously."

Our conversation turned to more normal day-to-day stuff, but when I got back to my hotel, I was glad I'd cleared the air with Travis. I felt like he had a closer bond now.

***

My next trip was a few weeks later. I'd hoped to treat Travis to dinner, but I had a business engagement that kept me till late. I texted my son to see if he was up for meeting me for a drink somewhere. He said sure and I grabbed an Uber to meet him closer to his neighborhood.

He wasn't alone. As I walked into the place, I saw him sitting next to a guy. Shorter, compact muscle that showed through his tight T-shirt. Trimmed beard, cute as fuck. It was MusclePupXXX.

"Hey Dad, I brought my friend Mike along," he explained. I played it cool and shook the guy's hands. The dude's eyes were on me, lecherous but playful at the same time. I was annoyed at Travis but also feeling an ego boost that this stud friend of his would be into me.

The next fifteen minutes was excruciating though. Trying to have a conversation with my son and small talk with this stranger at the same time. Processing my conflicting emotions.

Finally, Mike excused himself to the restroom. Travis had a shit-eating grin.

"Trav, what the fuck?" I growled.

He seemed undaunted. "Come on, Dad. Mike thinks your hot. It's your fantasy on a silver plate. Bang a porn star. No strings, no worries."

"I can't," I complained.

"If you don't wanna, no skin off my back," he said. "Honest, Dad, I'm not trying to piss you off. Just thought you'd enjoy it."

Mike came back, interrupting our conversation. We'd finished the drink, when Travis said he had to go. "I have a 6AM client," he explained, getting up from the bar seat.

Mike looked over at me, trying to read what I was going to do.

"I think I may stay for another," I said, blushing the minute I said it.

Mike didn't miss a beat. "I will too. Later, bro?" he said to Travis, giving him a fist bump then getting up for a gay-dude hug and kiss.

The remainder of the evening went down pretty much as you'd expect. Heavy eye contact then me taking MusclePupXXX back to my hotel room, where I got a real porn star blow job before pulling him off and asking if I could fuck him.

This wasn't some DL Craigslist BJ. This was real, honest to god man-to-man sex, and it ws incredible. I pounded this muscle hunk in multiple positions and he was every bit the power bottom he was on screen. It occurred to me that he was getting the father of another guy who'd fucked him and that was a big part of the turn on for him. The idea got me off, too, and I nutted hard in his hole, collapsing onto his back as I caught my breath.

I thought I'd feel guilty after but that orgasm had put me in a good mood. We showered together, softly making out and exploring each other's soapy wet bodies.

"So, my son didn't pay you for that, did he?" I asked, not accusing in tone, more curious.

Mike grinned and reached down to cup my genitals. "Nah. You're hot, man. You're a good fuck too. You should hit me up next time you're in Chicago."

"So you live here," I said dumbly. For some reason I thought maybe Mike was just visiting from New York or LA.

"Best city on Earth," he nodded proudly. "And Midwestern guys are the hottest."

With that he turned around and backed his meaty ass against my now hard again dick. Yeah, round two sounded amazing.

***

The next time I visited, I fucked MusclePupXXX again. A quickie in the afternoon, before my work dinner. It felt naughty as hell.

He called me Daddy during sex, and I let a "son" or two slip out. That both worked us up big time, and it was clear my relation to Travis was in the back of our minds. It was still in the back of my mind when I met Travis later on for dinner. He didn't ask me about Mike and I wondered if he knew. But he had a knowing look about something.

Summer came, and the work travel slowed. I followed my son on OnlyFans as he went to Barcelona and Fire Island. He was bottoming more now, and he seemed to be with older men more. Daddy types. CornfedDaddy made a regular appearance when he was back in Chicago, and I half wondered if they were dating.

Travis was out of town the next time I went to Chicago for work, but MusclePup Mike was there. I had him over to my hotel after dinner and he stayed over the night. We went at it deep with the dad-son thing. I knew it was wrong, but I was SO turned on doing it. And it thrilled Mike, too. The more I was "Dad" for him the more eagerly he bounced on my cock.

"You're incredible," I said to him the next morning as I brought him a coffee from the hotel lobby. I'd gotten showered and dressed for my morning meeting.

Mike had buzzed-short hair and looked adorable first thing in the morning. "You're not getting feeling for me are you, Mr. Connors?" He'd taken to calling me by my last name. I let him.

I shook my head. "No. Just living out a midlife crisis, I suppose."

That made him break out in a goofy grin. Mike was short, 5'7" or so, and his compact build looked all bulked up with his brawn. "Well, lucky for you that midlife crises are my speciality," he grinned, leaning forward and unzipping my suit trousers.

I set down my coffee and felt the silky soft mouth go down on me. For all our time together, Mike had never sucked me to completion. He was going to now. I gently ran my fingers through his hair as he worked me more eagerly and got me to the finish line. I came hard down his throat and was grateful that that made bottoms as hot as MusclePup Mike.

"That gonna last you today, Daddy?" he asked with a lewd smile.

"It should," I replied, meeting him for a soft kiss and tasting my own cum on his lips.

***

Travis bought his condo. Lakeview, modern, amazing 1 bed room. He was proud and happy and clearly eager to show it off to me. The furnishing was still sparse and Travis talked a mile a minute about his plans for decorating the place and making it feel like home.

He walked me over to the window and described how his view was protected because of the park across the street. I patted his shoulder.

"It's an amazing place, son," I said. "You did well."

Travis kind of leaned into me some, and I saw a look in his eye. Gone was the confident assured porn star. There was my son, questioning me. I knew then that Mike had told him stuff. And I knew what was on Travis's mind.

"You know," I said. "I lied to you before. I've watched your videos. All of them."

That made my son smile. There was the confident sex machine coming to life. "Yeah, what did you think?" his voice had almost a gravely sound and I knew he was turned on.

"They were the hottest goddamn thing I've ever seen in my life," I hissed.

Our lips met. Soft at first, then hard charging. We'd built up too much lust to take it easy. Travis's hands were unbuttoning my dress shirt and I was tugging at the hem of hit T.

"Fuck... we gonna do this, Dad?" he growled with lust.

"If we don't I'll have the worst blue balls in the world," I replied.

This was so wrong, and that forbidden nature fueled our excitement. We stepped back and stripped for each other. Then Travis took my hand and led me to his bedroom.

"You're gonna be the first guy to fuck me here," he said naughtily. Our naked bodies clung to one another on the bed, father cock against son cock, as we made out. Travis scooted from my grip and fumbled for some lube. I equally fumbled prepping myself and getting in place. The fuck was rushed, too rushed. I came within a minute of entry and my son didn't seem to do better.

But we lay on the bed side by side, holding hands and grinning at each other. Cocks still hard. My first load inside my son, his streaming and liquefying on his chest.

"I can't believe I just fucked JakeTheJock," I joked, and Travis laughed.

"Would you ever consider doing that on camera?" he asked.

That shocked me, but Travis added, "You could wear a mask, no one would know it was you, Dad. Think about it. It would be hot as fuck."

I would think about it. That was the crazy thing. My son had a way of upending my world.

But for now, I didn't want any cameras or onlookers. I just wanted it to be me and Trav. He smiled at me and squeezed my hand. Then he climbed on top of my naked body and kissed me deeply as he bucked his slick ass against my boner. My hands possessively felt up his gym-perfected body and decided I was going to get in real shape myself.

For now, Travis seemed into me, into my dad bod, into fucking around with his actual father. I felt him shift angle and my rigid shaft entered a now more pliable, open hole as my son sank down on me.

I had an hour before I had to go get ready for my meeting, and I was going to make the most of it.

#drakestories

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prisonofmagic · 1 month

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— Perhaps a promo for the double one?

Hello! I'm Mikoto or Homura, a system host who's been in the editblr for.. I suppose awhile despite never actually posting until I made Lupinbash, although I suppose that account can be considered abandoned. He/it is preferred, but she/her is fine as well.

More information and the taglist are located underneath the cut!

Prisonofmagic is a blog centered around editing, either being graphics for rentries/carrds, layouts, icons, or anything else along those lines! There is also the possibility of me eventually starting to make rentry templates.

I myself am an admin of the blog @/lupinbash (you may know me as mikoto, but most likely not.) Although ive found myself detached from it and have decided to work on my own.

I'd also like to add that any interactions that happen on this account will most likely be from my main account, @triokoto, so if that happens I suppose don't be freaked out?

Taglist (If you'd like to be removed, don't hesitate to send in an ask/dm and i'll remove you as soon as I possibly can!) : @kiochisato @daintykill @dollishfrill @fakingoddess @dulcxtte @yaoitistic @buriedloves @hyshonor @iv-ry @gurofem @metalbody @cherryshh @chereternal @kyuswi @liardolls @motherlyidol @failgf @thydragoness @landmineangel @lavendergalactic @llocket @internetoverdosed @phantasverie — Along with anybody else who'd like to support!

#promo!#ill tag this later

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compassionatereminders · 16 days

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Hey, so I am currently dealing with a really horrible situation. Trigger warning for emotional manipulation

Basically, I had a fight with my mom and stepdad 2 summers ago. I tried to stand up for myself, and they freaked out. They basically tried to victim-blame me and gave me the silent treatment. They told me I had to apologize for their reaction. I did, but it was the emptiest apology I've ever given. I didn't mean it at all.

Fast forward to now, I have moved out and I told them I needed some space since they were helping me with setting up my place, and it was uncomfortable for me. I think I felt uncomfortable because they have continued to ignore the fight we had, and are just acting like it's fine. And also, I felt weird they were doing all this work, painting and setting up lights.

I told them I needed space, and they said it was convenient timing that we just finished painting. My mom sent me a literal spreadsheet of things I had to reimburse her for, while also saying she felt like I used her. Which I did not. I feel upset that she thinks our spending time together was me using her. Like I would buy her lunch. I bought all the paint and stuff. It was a fun project we were doing together. But I just grew increasingly more uncomfortable. I did consider asking someone else to help, but I thought she would be offended and say, "I can do it. Don't waste your money hiring someone."

But it's really not about the painting. She's just shifting the blame off of how she treated me. She's not taking accountability for the actual harm this has caused me.

She basically is treating me like she's a collections agency, collecting invoices. I'm the one who feels used and discarded. And violated.

I feel awful. Like I completely messed everything up. And I know I did the right thing logically by creating this boundary, but I feel like I've ruined my life.

And I don't know how to make this better. I feel like I've done everything I can to advocate for myself. And now it's time to step back. But it also feels like my support system has been ripped from me.

I'd appreciate it if you had any advice. I'm not really sure what else to do.

As unfortunate as it is, some people are not going to acknowledge and face how they hurt you let alone apologize and change their behavior. When it comes to dealing with those people, the solution is usually to avoid them as much as possible, to keep any unavoidable interactions short and superficial, and to prioritize relationships with people who are meeting you halfway and treating you right

#chat with kat #manipulation tw #guilt tripping tw #victim blaming tw #emotional abuse tw #abuse tw #gaslighting tw

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rivetgoth · 2 months

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Tbh I think one aspect of goth club environments that I find a bit frustrating, though generally keep to myself/my close circles who know I'm not coming at this from some massively judgmental angle but more passive observation and ultimately minor grievance, is that I think there's two pretty distinct camps in most of them where Camp 1 is "people who love goth [or otherwise dark alternative] music who want to hear it played loudly and dance while socializing with other individuals who love this music as much as them," and Camp 2 is "people who are weirdos and freaks [affectionate] who wanted to find a place where they could express themselves comfortably and safely and meet other weirdos and freaks." And these aren't completely separate spheres, but the two circles of this Venn diagram are not nearly as overlapping as you would think.

I consider myself first and foremost Camp 1 as the one and only reason I became goth and began participating in this community was the love of the music, the music has kept me alive and shaped me into the person I am today, the reason I go out to these events is for the music, and every close friend I've made in this scene has been through the love of the music, but I don't have any negative feelings towards Camp 2 and I relate to them in many ways as well. I think goth clubs are fantastic accepting spaces for queer people, kinky and sex posi people, autistic and other neurodivergent people, and people who otherwise just do not fit into the norm, whether it be due to something outside of their control or just having Weird Person Interests that have gotten them kinda stigmatized by wider society. I totally found solace in the goth scene due to being a lot of those things myself. But I still connect first and foremost with the people who love the music. That is THE THING that has kept me going. While when it comes to the exclusively Camp 2 people, a loooot of them kind of come out to these spaces specifically to be amongst other likeminded individuals and feel accepted for their weirdness, and the music is practically, just, like, incidental lol. Ironically they don't necessarily realize how much of the reason that these spaces ARE historically safe for them is due to what the music itself, the musicians making it, and the fans of the music have stood for.

The thing is I don't really think anything needs to be "done about this" or whatever, I hesitate to call it a problem at all, firstly I think that the dark alternative scene SHOULD be a safe space for individuals who exist outside of the norm and I don't think they should need to pass some sort of knowledge test in order to gain entry to these spaces, second of all I think many of them over time do come to love the music, even just by being around it enough to develop positive association, and third I think that supporting these spaces with physical bodies, generating financial revenue, etc is the best way of keeping them alive so ultimately it doesn't really matter how much or how little they know if they're showing up and materially supporting the scene. But I do think it's like... person to person, a little sad, I guess, that the dark alternative scene is so muddled with just the general broad category of humans that is "people who are weird and don't fit the norm" that it's kinda difficult to find people who are there because they love the music and a lot of the people who I get excited to connect with because they're openly trans or something reveal quite quickly they don't really listen to any of the bands I'm there to hear, they just heard from a friend who heard from a friend that you can meet other cool queer people and be GNC safely there. And that's great! It really is. But I do wish that the people who were going to these spaces without knowing much about the music would spend some time exploring it. I think they'd probably find a lot to love about it honestly.

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darkanddirtyknb · 4 months

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Important Notice

I want to give a warm hello to all of my beautiful like-minded freaks, creeps, and horny little toads. We have had quite the journey together. It's hard to believe I started my blog and Patreon so long ago. Sometimes it's painful to reflect on because I was in a much better place when I started my blog. But we learn to live with the hand we receive in life, and that's what I'm doing. Which brings me to the reason I'm posting this today. This has been a long time coming, and I suppose I've been putting it off because I haven't wanted to admit it to myself. I've been in such a period of stasis. But I kept trying to convince myself that I could return to how I used to be—putting out content like the wind, writing commissions, having deep discussions and long conversations with my supporters, and so on. But the truth is, I just can't do it anymore. My body has taken a toll on me, and my fire has burned out. My physical health (and sometimes mental) has taken its course, and this is the path I have no choice but to follow. However, despite the war I'm waging with my body, there is good news. I won my disability claim. I'm not making much, but it's enough that I can support myself monetarily. So, I will be closing my Patreon. I'll also no longer be writing commissions for the foreseeable future. I've been delaying this part of my announcement because I hate letting people down. My Patreon aside, I made a lot of promises to people that I couldn't keep. For that, I'm sorry. I never accepted any money for work I didn't start, so I owe no one anything in a monetary way. But I will be letting people down, and that truly bothers me. If you were in line for a story, I give you my sincerest apologies from the bottom of my heart. If you feel like I let you down in any way, I'm sorry for that too. That said, to be fair, I didn't know this was going to happen to me. I hold no control over the turns my health takes, and if I could change it, I would. I will still post from time to time. I'm not giving up on writing. But what once took me one to two days now takes me weeks, sometimes months to finish. I will still be around, and I will still engage with my followers. I'm not disappearing. My health may have won this round, but I won't let it take me down. I've come too far to give up what I love. I actually have a very detailed story in the works, and come hell or high water, I will finish it. I want to thank everyone who has stuck by my side. To everyone who has supported me, shared talks with me, read my works, liked my stories, and left comments—thank you. These things have helped me through some of my darkest hours. As for my Patrons, hopefully, by closing my account this month, you'll be able to have some extra money after the holidays. I want to give a special thank you to you. You kept me afloat by helping me pay for necessities like my medication, food, gas for medical appointments, and more. Without you, I truly don't know how I would have reached this point in my life. I hope there are no hard feelings. I'm doing what I need to for myself, but also, what I feel is best. If I get a second wind, I might write those stories still jotted down on my whiteboard. You never know. Lastly, I want to share another piece of good news. My parents surprised me with a new friend. I will post pictures of her below. Her name is Luna. (Not after Luna Lovegood, but our Lord and Savior, The Moon.) She has certainly kept me on my toes, and I'm not sure she's been the best thing when it comes to my disabilities, considering I can barely keep up with her. But I'm in love, and I know that ultimately, she'll be well worth the hassle—which she most definitely is right now. She's a right pain in the ass. I'm pretty sure she's a quarter Gremlin, a quarter Audrey 2, and two-quarters Piranha. I'm sending all my love to everyone. I hope you have a wonderful holiday season. If you have any questions or just want to shoot me a message please don't hesitate. Please take care of yourselves. It's dangerous business out there. Much love, Kai

#out of bounds #update #personal #important #i'm not crying you're crying #i'm really not but this was hard to write #it's bittersweet #luna

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theold-ultraviolence · 10 months

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Hey besties! I debated whether or not I should make a post about it cause I don't want to seem dramatic lfjlskgsjdg, but I figured a lot of people follow me for my writing, and well, there hasn't been any writing going on lately (lol) and I don't even know if there will be, at least for a long while. I think I just might go into a little bit of a hiatus there because, I don't feel like writing anymore for a number of reasons, mostly because this year has been incredibly tough for me and my brain is absolutely mush. I want to write, but I can't physically bring myself to do it, even if the will is there and the ideas are overflowing. I'll still be here and everything (I have never made a side blog, all my silliness goes into one same place lmao), and if questions about my aus come up and stuff, I'll love to reply to those and brainstorm/fangirl about ideas together, but I can't say the same about actually posting fully formed stories.

Another thing is that I'm kinda burned out from fandom. Life is hard as it is and while fandom in general is amazing there are just parts of that suck, even from a distance. The discourse, the cliquey-ness, the hate people are receiving, the drop in interaction... I've always been cruising through different fandoms and avoid drama because I'm always in my little corner, but even while keeping to my corner, this is the first time that without even engaging in it, its found me? An interaction I had some months ago with someone just left a really bad taste and a weird feeling about posting stuff and not knowing with whom I could talk to, so I just distanced myself from it. Which is also kind of a bummer because I don't think I even had that much of a presence in the beginning? I don't want to seem like I'm whining, but, the reality is that my name rarely ever gets brought up in rec lists/posts and such, so it's kinda daunting to think that my work may not have as much transcendence in the fandom anyway when I've been here for a long while, and it does feel a little bit like, feeling left out, which bums me out. But ultimately, worrying about being active and posting fics regularly is just, such a silly thing to worry about when there are other things happening in life anyway.

This is not to say that I'm not acknowledging the people that have supported me from the beginning and continue to do so. If you've reblogged my stuff, or contacted me via dm or ye old inbox, know I freaking love and adore and appreciate you and that's what's exactly what's given me the motivation to write when things were tougher for me this year. It truly, truly means the world to me, and I consider you a bestie. It's so freaking special to me, every single time, when you reach out to let me know you enjoyed something I posted or that you're having fun with my ocs. So this part of it all is why I wished I was more active and that I had the energy to keep writing to interact with you, but I'm just not in the headspace for it right now.

And idk I just might be feeling a bit sensitive these days and becoming a bigger hermit each day, Ewan Mitchell style (lol), but I had it in the back of my mind that there are people that follow me for my writing, and that have even requested fics after I closed them, so I wanted to give these moots a heads up. I do have a lot of ideas I was excited about, not to mention tons of wips that have been left gathering dust so maybe in the near future I can find some time to write. I'm just not feeling inspired or motivated at all these days. If you're sticking around despite my blog being a whole mish-mash of spooky things and whatever blorbo is rotting my brain at the moment, you're seriously the best and I love you for it.

#don't reblog

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antiradqueer · 9 months

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radqueers go "OMG THATS HORRIBLE HOW COULD THEY??? THEY DONT BELONG IN THE RADQUEER COMMUNITY!!!!!!" when someone does something bad as a very performative way of deflecting and making themselves seem like good people. like in public theyll go "omg thats HORRIBLE how could someone EVER commit bestiality??" but when you get into their private servers you see them being radically pro-contact claiming that its "not actually abusive". even though they cry and scream about pro-abuse people, when you peel back the "anti-harm, anti-abuse, anti-grooming, pro-consensual contact" aesthetic flags and labels and subterms you find that they support the exact same things as the people they claim to hate. when someone says theyre a "transitioning transnazi" they all freak out over it and claim to completely condemn it, but then you see them making nazi moodboards and saying "yeah i say racial slurs i cant reclaim in private to make myself feel better" and creating nazi ocs and going on and on about how attractive and cool nazis are.

they can deny and scream and defend all they want but everyone who knows about the community knows that theyre just as bad as the people they claim to hate. they can hide behind "pro-consent/anti-abuse" and "anti-transitioning transharmful" and "don't assume someone is being abused based off of stereotypes" and all their other cute aesthetic phrases but everyone knows that when you look underneath those then you find that its all lies and vague phrasing to make them sound better than they really are.

as someone who was in the radqueer community, i saw firsthand how these people would lie and make up cute phrases and repeat the same vague phrasing over and over. its designed purely to trick people and lure impressionable kids/uneducated people in, to trick them and make them think that everything is normal and acceptable until they step back and realize months later that everyone around them is a groomer and an abuser. they give you little bits of truth at a time to make you think that what theyre saying is normal, but those little seemingly-inconsequential things add up until you find yourself supporting adults dating toddlers and humans fucking animals.

they paint everything as "it's okay if it's consensual" but keep the phrasing vague so you just agree and dont question what they consider "consensual". i experienced how theyd say "well not ALL relationships between adults and minors are bad - an 18 year old dating a 17 year old is perfectly normal", something that's pretty true and makes sense, and then slowly make it more and more extreme until theyve manipulated and tricked you into believing "well an adult dating a 10 year old is fine actually, children are known to start experiencing romantic attraction and understanding romance around that age".

once youre too deep in the community and all their lies you dont even notice that any of this is happening. i thought that having to use vague phrasing and manipulate people was a completely normal thing that every community did because thats how they all treated it. you think that everything theyre saying is fine and normal and its actually the "antis" who are wrong and horrible, just listen to the 10 other people in the community, were happy so we must be right, right?

its a fucking cult. they manipulate you into joining by preying on those who are uneducated or traumatized or impressionable or otherwise vulnerable, they convince you that theyre the only right ones who know the "truth" and everyone else is wrong and "brainwashed", they shame and harass people who leave to make people too scared to get out. its entirely a cult and i hope that people are able to realize that and get the fuck out.

sweet jesus this is a long ask i can barely process it all

#anti radqueer

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unethicalmorals · 13 days

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BISHOP😭😭😭 him being scared of getting piercing ouuuu. I like the thought of Bishop maybe being scared of needles in general. They don't really hurt that much but the image of the needle slowly being pushed into his skin gives him a MAJOR ick- even if he looks away he KNOWS that it's happening and he can just barely feel it it makes him so🤢🤢🤢 But hey at least Lucky is there to hold his hand☺️ (and possibly tease him a little bit afterwards)

ALSO MAX REVEAL MAX REVEAL MAX REVEAL MAX---- 🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽🫵🏽

I'm advocating for Bishop and Max to be green buddies, idk what they're dynamic would be exactly but I definitely think she'd have more of a rebellious streak than him💚💚

Also 👁👁👁👁 are those Trans colors I am seeing on Oranges shoulder👀👀👀👀 staring very hard rn

ROBIN'S SO MUCH TALLER THAN WRENCH OUOUIIII Robin and her pathetic tiny husband🧡🩶🧡🩶🧡 I know it's not accurate to their Canon heights but the thought of Robin being a tall queen makes me happy

Also hehe hoho haha I've been thinking of Catboy Bishop and Dogboy Lucky a whole lot recently :3 I wanna try and list off what sort of hybrids I think some characters would be 👉🏽👈🏽

Bishop is just a cat tbh. I can't think of any breeds I'd specifically assign him, so he's just a yellow cat. Definitely a short-haired one, I think he'd have tabby patterns on his tail :3 Honestly Bishop would probably be something else entirely but godamnit my brain has been thinking of animal hybrid au for the crew SOLELY because of the catboy Bishop and dogboy Lucky comment I made a while back.... I need to stay faithful to MYSELF

Lucky took a while for me to pick, at first I wanted him to be a golden retriever specifically I wanted him to have floppy ears. Then I remembered lucky isn't blonde, so I considered him being a German Shephard instead, then a golden retriever/German Shephard mix breed, then a beagle, then a beagle/German Shephard mix, then I finally landed on Shiba inu solely because I wanted him to have a cute curly tail😊😊😊 maybe he can still be mixed with a German Shephard, no reason other than it feels right (for the fluff au at least)

I think it would be really easy to make Captain a wolf- which is why I'm NOT DOING THAT ACTUALLY‼️‼️‼️‼️ I like the thought of Captain being a hawk, specifically a ferruginous hawk cuz that's the largest species :3 (can you imagine how wide captains wingspan is going to be in order to support all of him?! He could never spread his wings while in any building- he would knock everything over! Im suprised he can even close his wings in the first place‼️‼️)

Wrench and Pink are kinda stumping me but hmmmmmmmmm

I kinda want to say Rat for Wrench, but Rats are little sweethearts who love cuddles and affection🥺🥺🥺 they love companionship, and wrench is a little annoying freak (affectionate) (derogatory) (I will get him)

Oh god wait Wrench could be a ferret, a decrepit little ferret. Ferrets have the tinny little shit energy that Wrench has omg

Pink............ hmmmmmmmmm....... thinking about his death fascination...... I wanna say Vulture maybe but ehhhhh there's already 3 characters I think of as avians...... HYENA‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️ HYENA PINK ACTUALLY GRRRRR MISCHIEVOUS LITTLE FUCK YEEAAHHH

Dove, Robin, and Rabbit are all really easy picks cuz. Well.

Despite not knowing too much on Max when I saw her design reveal I immediately thought of a Crocodile or Alligator. Bit sure why, maybe it's cuz of the green, or the side shave reminding me of Montgomery Gator, but either way she's a big ole reptile to me (Leaning more on Crocodile than Gator)

I don't know what to think of Captain 1.0 yet or the color trio, though Yellow seems vaugely dogish to me...... or maybe a moth? I could see yellow as a moth, have you seen those pretty Moths with the yellow bodies and pink legs? Gorgeous🩷💛

Ohhh,, poor Bishop 🥺 (Loving the needle idea so much!!) He's not one for sharp objects or things piercing his skin like that,,, Maybe that has something to do with the scars on his face 🤔😉

YESS!!!! MAX REVEAL!!! She's a very cool lady~! 💚😌 I can't wait till we get to see her and Cap 1.0 return in the fic!!

I wont say too much but I think she will appreciate Bishop taking care of Lucky! ^^

👁👁 yes 👁👁 I've had the idea for Orange that she's trans since I first thought of her but I didn't really know how to go about incorporating that without just shoving it in people's faces 😅😅😅 So now she just has a pretty tattoo sleeve on her left :)

Robin and her pathetic ahh Wrench-- Maybe we can make Robin 6'4, as a treat, y'know? 😌 It's what she deserves after being murked in chapter 1

This is what Wrench thinks he looks like but we all know,,, we all know he ain't that good 😔

ALSO- ANOTHER AU? 👀👀👀 Omg,,, 🥺

Love those ideas so much!!

Captain - Hawk! Bishop - Cat Pink - Hyena Wrench - ferret Rabbit - rabbit (floppy eared) :3 Dove - dove :3 Lucky - PUPPY - Purple - sheep Orange - rat Yellow - moff! - Cap - seagull Max - croc Robin - robin :3

heheheh just little guys

Here's a bonus Jay aka the dead crewmate Lucky replaced (courtesy of Porsha who jumped on the idea of them being annoying af) Since I took so long,,😅

#ask #watcher #tsitd #hybrid au #these are very fun warmup sketches #love doing these #thank you #ignore how long I took to respond

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aspecpplarebeautiful · 9 months

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(feel free to ignore this one b/c there's too much asexual complaining/hopelessness in this lol)

Sometimes I'm like "I'm not a real asexual" because I worked really hard not to be one.

I don't believe there's a way I can have a happy life if I don't fix myself. I tried to act like it doesn't bother me but it does. I was so sick of feeling like something was dead inside of me that was alive and well in everyone else. It was destroying me, depressing me, it was too much.

Idk how to say this but at some point I had to fix myself and grow up. I'm in my 30s and I have to compromise or become a different person or else I'm gonna get left. No kids, no ring, no nothing. And that's not the life I want. That's not the life I can afford! My friends are all getting married off and sharing expenses. Soon, I'll have no more roommates. Perpetual rejection can lead me right in to homelessness.

I worked HARD to train myself out of asexuality after 14 years of regular arousal training and making myself be in normal relationships. And when I finally feel like I'm a normal person and I can leave this behind me, someone will complain about not having sex in a few weeks and I will blue screen like a broken computer. Like what do you mean that upsets you.

My desires will never be that strong no matter what I do. I could never get MAD or pent up because I haven't..... used someone else's body for pleasure. No matter what I do, I don't feel like I need it need it need it. I'm just not built to slobber all over another person and have that be most of my personality.

The asexual in me is very okay that I don't live like that, that I don't actually have those strong desires. But real life situations I get into every day remind me I must be broken. No one I've met in the wild relates to what I feel inside. No one. Just people online that's it. And that hurts so much more soooooooo so much more. I feel like the biggest freak on the planet. I hate this shit.

And, I feel like I have to sign up for another ten years of arousal training trying to fix myself even more until I get it because I can't support myself on a single income household in ten years I just can't. I need to be partnered with someone who isn't going to cheat on me and leave me in the dust because of who I am. And I can't handle false positivity with that because it has happened to me 8 times. One of my exes suggested surgery or drugs or conversion therapy and I hate that I'm considering fixing myself medically but I feel too burnt out and hopeless to not try it.

I'm so sorry you're going through such a difficult time, Anon. And it can legitimately be very hard to be asexual. One big thing though I'd like to point out is you keep talking about how you're wrong, but all the problems you point out are societal. Society makes it hard to thrive when you're single (both financially and socially), society makes it hard to have less conventional looking relationships. You are not the problem, Anon, the way our current society is built is the problem. It's external, not internal. And it can feel like you need to fix yourself, but you'll always be reaching because at the end of the way society will always still be the part that's actually broken.

I know you've probably heard people speak out against conversion therapy (and it is still conversion therapy when you're doing it to yourself), but one of the big issues with it that doesn't get mentioned as much is that it doesn't work. You just can't change who you are on such a fundamental level. And people go through these therapies and usually all they accomplish is becoming more traumatized and more confused. I know this is difficult, Anon, but this isn't a viable long term solution.

What I would really encourage you to do is find someone to talk to, it sounds like money is tight, but you can take advantage of free mental health services like 7 Cups, The Trevor Project, which are queer and asexual friendly. And they will help you navigate not just how to find self-acceptance, but financial planning and life planning. Even if you don't feel ready for this yet, please do keep this resource in mind.

There are other aces out there, it seems like there's not because once again we live in a society that keeps our orientation from us, and therefore keeps us from each other. I live in a city of 50k people, that means, even if we go by the most conservative estimates, there's at least 500 other aces in my city alone. Our orientation is kept from us, and a lot of aces don't even know there's a word for their experiences and a community. And this may sound like more hopelessness, but the other side of this is that asexuality is becoming more well known all the time, more local communities are starting to appear. Sometimes people can find other aces through local lgbtq+ chapters or Pride events. Sometimes there's an in-person asexual meetup group near you. Some major dating apps now let you put your orientation as asexual and filter for other aces. Even outside of dating, connecting to the asexual community can be really healing.

Sometimes it can seem like you're the only one, and because of how ingrained it is in society dating and sex go together, allosexual people who we date can sometimes act in a way that makes us feel like what we want isn't possible. If this happens multiple times in a row, our brains are pattern based, you hit this wall enough time, your brain says 'there is no going through this wall', and it will feel true whether it is or not.

Another thing you should consider looking into is what government programs exist in your city/state/province/territory/country. A lot of time there's financial resources out there that aren't very well advertised, especially if you're in a lower income. And often they depend on people seeking them out themselves. It won't hurt to do a few google searches or check what local organizations exist.

I know this is probably a lot, and I things probably feel very bleak for you right now, Anon. Unfortunately you can't flip a switch and suddenly accept yourself, you can't just fix society and wealth inequality. My advice would be though to try and take things one step at a time. And don't be afraid to reach out. And feel free to send as many asks here as you like too.

Take care, Anon!

#vent post #aspec antagonism #conversion therapy cw

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shiningdesignersreflections · 1 month

Text

Chapter 2: Match Day Already?

Narrated by Nikki.

Teacher: Anna, Wen, Nova, Nikki, and Yvonne, will you spare a few minutes for me?

Narrator: The roll call before the dismissing set off doubt and nervousness among classmates. I lowered my head so no one would notice.

Nikki: Could it be that I was not acting properly during class...

Teacher: Tell you what, I've signed up for the campus five-member soccer match.

Teacher: Don't freak out, as the match won't be too formal. But you should work hard and display the strength of teamwork.

Everyone: Eh? What? But that's... I'd rather you give me another three kilometers...

Narrator: There's an outburst of complaints as my teacher finished the sentence. Even those dismissed classmates looked back.

Choose either "A match on such short notice. That's so mean!" or "Go, Nikki!"

If "mean," ...

You: A match on such short notice. That's no mean.

Nikki: Actually, our teacher might be hoping we can build up our strength. Still, this is too quick. I'm at a loss.

If "support," ...

You: Hahaha, go for it, Nikki!

Nikki: Guess what, I'm always the last one to finish the long-distance race because I'm not that into sports.

Teacher: Nikki, you lack stamina, but you are nimble. Say, you will serve as the goalkeeper. Teamwork is everything.

Teacher: So, we'll start training tomorrow!

Narrator: My teacher was not that bothered by those complaints but promised us the participation can offset the final exam.

Narrator: After the first week of training, going upstairs and downstairs seems impossible.

Wen: Owww, ouch! My legs...

Nova: Can't go downstairs without the wall.

Yvonne: I don't want any more froggy jumps or leg stretches. I miss you, three kilometers.

Anna: Nikki, why are you walking alone behind everyone? Do your legs hurt badly? You need any help?

Nikki: Oh, not really. I just... haven't got enough sleep. Thank you, guys.

Yvonne: All those trainings and classes, you gotta take more rest.

Choose either "I went through something similar" or "I feel for you."

If "similar," ...

You: I can relate. The body can really ache all over after intense activities.

Nikki: Haha, then you should know how I felt.

If "sorry," ...

You: Poor thing, hang in there.

Nikki: My teammates would encourage me and show care for me. If it wasn't for them, I wouldn't have stuck it out.

Nova: Woah, Nikki, you secured that one, too. I practiced the fake move of penalty kick for a week.

Nova: Sure enough, we are talking about Nikki's Triple Saves! You will nail the defense.

Nikki: No, no! I was just lucky...

Yvonne: Nikki, you did a great job. Put more faith in yourself. Also, Nova, make sure your fake move goes smoothly...

Anna: Wow, Captain, could it be that you've analyzed the matches for the past decade? You are almost as veteran as the teacher.

Wen: Nikki, Captain, let's go to a movie after the training. Consider it a reward for hard training!

Nova: Hahaha, you can always find a reason to reward yourself.

Narrator: ...

Choose either "You're so happy" or "Nikki's Triple Save?"

If "happy," ...

You: You guys look you're having a lot of fun.

Nikki: Yes, we do, when we are with friends. I even look forward to the daily training.

If "save," ...

You: "Nikki's Triple Save"?

Nikki: That's the nickname for my defense move. Sounds pretty tough, huh?

Narrator: There were a lot of things like this going on. Tough as those days were, I felt it full and enjoyable.

Narrator: I had been all by myself before I joined this soccer team.

Narrator: It was the first time I had known how it felt to work so hard with friends.

Narrator: If only time could stop right during the preparation for the match.

Narrator: But reality's a different thing. It still went on with the established course.

Narrator: The match day finally came.

Chapter 1

Chapter 3

#nikki #shining nikki #chapter 2 #transcript #sr designer #match day already #soccer #student #friend #practice #sports #college

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the1975attheirverybest · 6 months

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Hi anon, I want you to know your not failing academically at all. And your not being overdramatic or dickish.

I know that my input here is entirely unwarranted but I felt the need to assure you because I know that shit is hard. I don't know what year your in but I want you to know that you aren't failing. I'm in second year of my degree and I'm behind on 4 weeks of readings and I have missed a few classes here and there. Which considering in first year I had 100% attendance freaked me out, but taking a step back and thinking for a sec it wasn't the end of the world and it isn't for you either. I know it seems like a big deal but it's not, as long as you don't miss any major assignments you can pass the year just fine, which yeah assignments suck but they are basically all that matters particularly if your a first year, just pass the year, first year barely counts anyway because unis know stuff like this happens, it's a new environment in a new city with an entirely new schedule. It's terrifying.

I know uni with mental illness is awful, I spent my first year contemplating dropping out every day because I just couldn't leave my bed or dorm, i know how it feels to close your eyes and wish you never existed. But I promise you that it gets a little easier as you go, and as you talk about it. I don't know what uni your at but in thw UK they are required to have a wellbeing centre for students who can offer support for depression and depression episode's and i know that's scary but it saved me a lot. You aren't wrong to be annoyed at your freinds, it gets frustrating to have to hear the same reply over and over of "mood" or "same" but I'm sure they meant no harm, that doesn't chnage the fact that you have every right to be annoyed.

Uni does feel quite isolating a lot of the time, hell my chronic loneliness is worse than ever and I have a girlfriend for fuck sake. Its the way its set up,but if your friends are good ones, ask if you can talk to them, and if not, as a UK student I am always happy to lend an ear and encourage you to go get up and eat and study if you need. Your not alone I promise.

Anyway, I'm always here if you need anon, your doing great just talking about it and I'm proud of you. You've got this. Go to the shops and get a few bits and bobs that are easy to cook because a real meal might help.

@ 🐸 anon!!! You’ve got mail.

I second this. Ambrose is right. You’re close to the situation now so you’re still processing it. But once you’ve had time to clear your mind, you’ll see that missing a lecture is okay. I get it. I started my undergrad an obsessive stickler and by the end of it I was just like “they’re lucky I’m even showing up at all, lol.”

Also, I know that you said you don’t feel close enough to your uni friends to talk to them about stuff, but have you considered getting, like, an accountability buddy? You don’t have to confide in them about how you’re feeling/ why if you’re not comfortable. But, you could ask if any of your friends would like to do a check-in a few times a day/week/ whatever works best for y’all.

Like, with my ADHD and depression and shit, I find that I’m most motivated when I have a deadline. Not one that I set for myself cuz I can easily just change that deadline. I have to feel like someone else is depending on me to meet the deadline. So, I’ve started asking to meet with my dissertation committee to like do a check in and quick progress report. With those meetings looming over me, I feel the need to have something to show them, which forces me to do SOMETHING. It’s not a perfect system but it’s better than nothing lol.

You can find a friend to meet and study with or like hang out once a week get some coffee or a drink and tell each other what you’ve been up to or what your goals are for the week. Not to shame or police each other. But to commiserate and encourage one another? It may not be a good system for you. Everyone’s different. So like whatever works is always going to be the best option. But sometimes you gotta try out a bunch of approaches before you land on something.

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meimi-haneoka · 7 months

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Thank you so much again! I love your chatty responses. It actually articulates so much of what I am thinking. And yes, by "arrogance", I definitely meant 'taking on the burden of everything by myself' thing rather than the former but your exposition is certainly very illuminating. Also, I was wondering if people feel uncomfortable with Akiho and Kaito age gap. I surprisingly don't and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that Kaito's love for Akiho, despite being romantic, is not as yet sexual. I am not sure if I am conveying this in the right manner. I was reading the manga and I was creeped out by the Rika Terada shipping in it but surprisingly was alright with Kaho-Eriol ship because I see the latter as "mental" peers. I am not sure whether I am able to articulate my thoughts right, but what I am trying to say is that while I understand were the hue and cry against the age gap comes from, somehow Yuna and Akiho's age gap does not bother me. On the topic of age gap relations, I was also wondering about Sakura's late Amamiya great-grandmother. Back as a kid, I always thought it was a bit strange that Masaki was her great-grandfather instead of just a grandfather (Nadeshiko's dad) who could have even more easily disapproved of Nadeshiko's union with Fujitaka. It leads to wonder about Nadeshiko's own family tree. Also, I didn't understand the England connection with her and I believe that had a lot to do with discrepancies with the English translation. Did Nadeshiko grow up in England? Or just visited England? What exactly is Sakura's late great grandmother's (and I believe her birth family's) connection with England? Do you think that the great-grandmother was a Reed? What happened to Sakura's maternal grandparents? By extension, same with Tomoyo's, considering the Amamiya cousins' parents where siblings who retained their Amamiya family name? Do you think that the potentially Reed great-grandmother was the source of magic in the Amamiya family's lineage? Do you think Tomoyo is subconsciously sensitive to magic or some latent psychic powers due to the potentialy Reed great-grandmother? After all, she made that Sakura doll with the Final Judgement clothes, she also made the right costumes for the right cards or incidences, she also could feel something was off with the play (unlike Naoko?) and could also feel something was off with rewritten world. I am so sorry but I really went down a rabbit hole while reading the manga. I would love to hear your thoughts!

LOL you might be my new favorite follower & asker 😆 Your questions stimulate my chatty side because they touch topics that are very interesting to me! Not only that, but we agree on many aspects! ;)

Ohohoh, the matter of the age gap between Kaito and Akiho........(/laughs but actually wants to cry) As you probably have guessed, it's a difficult matter for the fandom, it's always been frowned upon ever since day one and even now that it's becoming more apparent that their feelings are mutual (despite many still hope for them not to be) and now that they went to such lengths for eachother, there's still discontent towards them (I have to say that the supporters have increased too, thankfully for me). (continues under the cut)

The fact is, we don't really know Kaito's age, but from some calculations I've made he really might be the same age as Touya and Yukito or even one year younger. What we know for sure is that he cannot have an age gap bigger than 10/11 years with Akiho, judging from what Lilie said in chapter 72. I want to specify this because in these 7 years of serialization I've seen lots of nonsense in fandom spaces (when I still checked them), like "he must be close to his thirties because you can only be a legal guardian to someone if you're older than 25", some completely made up bullsh*t because 1) who said CLAMP have to abide to those rules in their manga, a freaking 10 year old was living all on his own in the OG series, plus we got MAGIC here; 2) Whoever said he's her legal guardian?? He's her butler, her butler and nothing more. In fact, the events depicted at Parents Day (chapter 40-onwards) made clear that Kaito is not considered Akiho's legal guardian, not by Akiho herself but not even by her school (they were looking for her to get one of her relatives to participate, Kaito only offered himself at the very end because he didn't want to see her sad and because he wanted to check her future real parental figure). For this reason, Kaito is often seen in the fandom as some improbable "parental/brother figure" to Akiho, because his (apparent) detached behavior, his apparent "non-response" to Akiho's romantic attempts and his being older than her gets interpreted in that way, ignoring the fact that the guy is so immature that it feels really inappropriate to stick a label of that kind on him (the fact that he's immature is not my delusion, he's been called like that multiple times by CLAMP in their Twitter Spaces). I get it, in the beginning Kaito really looked way older than what he's looking now. At some point me and a friend found out that in volume 3 CLAMP removed the adam's apple that was drawn on him on his first appearance in chapter 11 while it was serializing on Nakayoshi...we wondered for years what was that for, and it's apparent now with the constant and gradual "rejuvenation" process he underwent throughout the story that "someone" clearly didn't specify or didn't communicate Kaito's age properly to her colleague, and they had to correct that "in progress". The fact he's never been drawn with that adam's apple ever again indicates that he's not meant to be considered a full grown adult in his 20s, for example. Then, another culprit is certainly the ENG translation, which keeps making other characters refer to him as a "man" when no one in this manga ever called him like that. They call him "butler", or "attendant", "magician", he's even called "kid" by Momo and Lilie. But never specifically "man".

I've expressed my thoughts on this matter three years ago in response to an ask and now with (much more) updated information I can confirm even further what I said back then: I'm not usually one into age gap ships (despite it's still a popular trope in Japan and not only), but this one really got me by the throat because of the intensity of their story and the emotional development that touches my heartstrings in a very deep way. Probably due to their shared background, I feel an intense wish to see them happy, see them together and comforting eachother because when I think about them I don't see their age, and honestly with how immature Kaito is, I don't even feel the "age gap". I completely agree with you that there isn't absolutely any sexual connotation to the feelings these two are having for eachother at the moment, but honestly it's like that with all the ships in CCS. For a person on the asexual spectrum like me, CCS is like a breath of fresh air and a story I can really resonate with. It's true that its protagonists are very young, maybe too young to feel that kind of attraction, but the same treatment is given to the more mature characters as well, so you really feel that that is the "protected environment" where CLAMP want these characters to interact. Moreover, judging from the "vibe" he's giving, I have the headcanon that Kaito might actually be asexual or demisexual. I totally understand what you mean when you say that Kaho and Eriol are mental peers, in fact it's really true due to Eriol's circumstances, and they're not together because of their bodies but because of their soul, heart and mind. That is also what makes me support Kaito and Akiho romantically, it's because they're soulmates and as such, they recognize eachother no matter the time, space or events in between, and react accordingly. Let's also remember that when Kaito decided to accompany Akiho in her travel to collect books, and therefore starting his plan to save her, he was a kid himself. You can see it in the latest flashback of ch. 70. We don't know exactly what kind of emotion "unlocked" his stunted will to interact and do something for someone else, but certainly he was already feeling some kind of "connection" to her, which became only deeper along the years and eventually brought him to extend his plan from "I need to remove the artifact from her" to "I want to give her happiness" too.

Despite that, there are objections like "okay, even if you take out the sexual element from it, it's still wrong because of the power unbalance" and I swear to god, I can't feel that either, from them. There isn't any unbalance because first of all, he's working for her, he's not in a position of power over her (his being a magician does not factor in this because he used power to make her happy, not to dominate her), she's his freaking boss and he does whatever she asks him to. Moreover, when it's time for Akiho to call him out on his bullshit, she's absolutely not afraid to do so, like in chapter 52 and I think chapter 78 was the epitome of that. That shows that he isn't having ""power"" over her, he's not even manipulating her despite wanting her to not notice anything to not disrupt her peace of mind. She's not codependent on him, she's got her own life with her friends at school. She doesn't even see a parental, guiding figure in him, that's not what she's looking for in him and not what made her attracted to him: even when she was placed in a familiar environment where she got a father and even a brother, she still looked for him. Her heart, her very soul, still felt a huge void that hurt her everyday. We wouldn't see her going red as a tomato and be so assertive with him, if she looked at him as one of those figures. That's why I feel icked when some fans reduce their relationship to only that. I wouldn't be able to ship them if I detected those vibes. I honestly don't see anything toxic between them and I know that if CLAMP will confirm that Kaito reciprocates her, it wouldn't change much from what we have already seen till now, especially cause they're not SyaoSaku, they have their own story, their own couple dynamic, their own scars to heal from, and so also their own timing to become a full-fledged couple, in that sense. For now he would just continue to express his love through food and the care he's been taking of her till now. Especially cause he would need to learn along the way how this "strange thing" works. That's why I say that they would "grow up together". *draws a deep breath*

.....Oh my god, did I really write all of that? 😂 You just need to mention those two and it's like you're opening the dam 😂😂😂 It might also be that I'm a little bit in abstinence of long talks about those two and their story.....Well. I took it as an opportunity to state once again my view about those two characters and their romantic involvement.

Now, onto the other part of the ask...

There's a lot of speculation that can be done about Nadeshiko's family, but there is a canon material that helps us understanding at least a little bit more than what was said in the manga/anime, that's the first Drama CD of the OG series, "Sakura and her mother's organ", where Sakura needs to write about her mother for an assignment at school and Fujitaka talks a little about her past. Apparently, Nadeshiko worked as a model when she was very little, she was an elementary schooler and it seems like she was convinced to get into that industry because an acquaintance of her father and grandfather (Masaki) asked them so. Nadeshiko didn't care for that experience, though, because as Fujitaka says "it's a very complicated environment", and she dropped it by the time she went to middle school.

In that drama CD was already introduced the fact that Nadeshiko had a mysterious power, and more specifically, was able to know future events in advance: for example she already knew thanks to her "sixth sense" that she would have two children, a boy and a girl. For this reason, she was the one to beat Fujitaka to the punch when it came to propose for marriage. Yes, it was Nadeshiko the one who asked Fujitaka to get married! And in the same way she also seemed particularly eager to have children soon, I can't shake off this idea that she probably already knew or could feel that she didn't have much time left to live....... And that's also why she decided to take on again the modeling job because she felt that was something she could easily do towards the goal of acquiring a nice house in "a city full of greenery", thanks to Clear Card now we also know that Nadeshiko wasn't looking for "any house", but a specifically well positioned and special house with a barrier that would protect the ones who would become her family in the future.

From what's depicted in this Drama CD, I get the idea that Nadeshiko's family of origin was very wealthy and they probably loved her, but she didn't feel understood in that kind of environment. Like, money, this modeling job based on looks, it was very far from what Nadeshiko was searching for in life. And that's probably why she recognized her soulmate in Fujitaka, who's still got this aura of "naivety" and is extremely kind to this day, and probably why she sought after her happiness with him, eventually causing a rupture with her family of origin.

We don't know really anything about Nadeshiko's grandmother, and there isn't really any tie (that we know of, coming to chapter 78) to England in that sense: Nadeshiko was able to meet Lilie because she went there with her grandparents in occasion of one of their travels abroad. Nadeshiko and Lilie didn't spend long time together, but they bonded greatly over such short period of time. Yeah, I can see how this part might have been confusing in the ENG translation.

Actually, in relation to the "Reed" clan, I've had for the longest time the theory that the Squids are actually the Reed clan 😂😂 so the "Reed in disguise" would be our Akiho! I know for a fact that a huge translation mistake in the ENG version makes one of the Squids say "we have the same blood of Clow Reed", hence suggesting this theory as true, but sadly I have to confirm that we actually haven't had any kind of statement in that sense and that was just a translation mistake!

For Tomoyo's great capabilities, I think she's just amazing as she is!! Her intuition, after all, spans over many situations, not only when it comes to Sakura but about other people too! In one of the Clear Card chapters it was suggested that even Naoko involuntarily ended up writing a scenario for the play that was very fitting with the current situation, and that's something that people who are particularly perceptive are capable to do!

#reply #card captor sakura #ccsakura #akiho shinomoto #yuna d. kaito #yunaaki #akiyuna

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