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craycraybluejay · 9 months

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Tfw you identify as cripplepunk, but you feel like people would gatekeep you because your physical disability is not visible.

Realizing you don't fit in with able-bodied people and often get called or just treated as burdensome for needing accommodations for your disability (which is made even worse by needing accommodations for mental illness/disability). People treating you like you're asking too much/being a freak for wanting to keep yourself as healthy and stable as possible and not be in incredible pain and unable to function to the best of your ability on a good day. People acting like it's selfish for you to advocate for those good days, to prioritize your health and comfort over their convenience/fun. When I go out I need a guarantee of several things. I don't care if you think it's tedious or if you think I'm being a buzzkill.

And also, on the other hand, feeling like you don't fit in disabled spaces either. Because "it could always be worse" and "you don't get bullied for it because no one ever sees or acknowledges it unless you disclose it to them" and "what if even in all my pain and struggle to live a fulfilling and comfortable life I'm just Not Disabled Enough but also Too Disabled." What if I can't even fit with the groups I'm a part of.

What if I'm not crippled enough to be cripplepunk. What if I'm not queer enough to be queer. What if I'm not mentally ill/disabled enough to be madpunk. What if I'm the Wrong Kind of Victim to be part of abuse survivor groups.

Being controversial is fun sometimes but. Really feeling like you can't quite fit into a group you identify with/a movement that you agree with and consider important for yourself and other people is just kind of depressing.

Am I allowed to talk in cripple spaces without it being misconstrued as centering mental issues because I have both?

Can I fit with taboo art groups that still vehemently disagree with being kind to people with paras even though they really are just thoughts and feelings?

Am I allowed to talk about surviving abuse on my terms and in my experiences without people believing I'm being ableist against those with personality disorders for even daring to mention that someone's mental illnesses can absolutely affect how they abuse or neglect? *I* have at least 1 personality disorder. I support people with personality disorders. But somehow I'm not madpunk enough if I say "hey this mental problem visibly changed the specific way they abused me" and people see that as me implying people with a specific disorder are inherently bad or abusive instead of. What I actually mean which is. All mental conditions, illness or not, trauma or not, beliefs, ideas, and how one handles their emotions and thoughts, affect how they act on a day to day basis. That's a fact. I can't look at myself and go "the fact that I did [insert any action good or bad here] is completely separate from my mental conditions." Because nothing is completely separate from that. It's a part of your mind, and instead of screaming ableism in acknowledging that we can use what we know about these issues to find ways to possibly reform those who choose to do bad things. For example; if I think the world isn't real due to a psychotic episode and choose to hurt someone or commit a crime, you can see how my mental disorder affects thinking and decision making and we can come up with solutions catered to that specific disorder or group of disorders rather than resorting to a one size fits all ruthless punishment. Abusive people should be out of your life, but they also deserve help and the ability to make better decisions. And that is never a one size fits all solution. And if we can describe what happened to us with understanding of their mental capabilities or conversely why we did something bad to someone else because of that, we can have much more individualized solutions that encourage healthy coping mechanisms, self control, whatever we need to work on. The first step to making a world without abuse is acknowledging that anyone can be an abuser and their unique situation can affect how or why they hurt someone. Anyway.

The point is that I'm sad about not being able to stuff my whole person into a version of myself that fits well enough with groups I identify with.

#rambling #vent post #cripple punk #madpunk #controversial #block me if you want but i dont think its ableist to reason that mental disorders are part of ones brain #and therefore absolutely affect how we treat ourselves and other people just like anything else in our brain #proship #pro para #exclusionism #disability #abuse survivor #identity #community #trying to be part of a community is a minefield #you're too weird for this you're not weird enough for that too radical for this not radical enough for that #man i just want to be in spaces where i can be myself with other people who have stuff in common with me #but sometimes being myself is just not right to anyone

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blushedfemme · 11 days

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how do you deal with the loneliness that comes with being a stone femme? sometimes i feel like i’ll be alone forever if i don’t compromise my boundaries.

oh gosh. 🥺 honestly, it is so hard. i was crying about it just last night. and a lot of answers i’ve seen to this feeling focus on how we are such perfect complements to a stone butch top. which is true and lovely, but it is so hard to find each other out in the real world. there are so few of us. it’s easy to lose hope.

try to remember you have a lot to offer a potential lover. i think stone/high femmes tend to be very giving, attentive, careful, and selfless. not in spite of our stone but because of it.

sex can be a minefield of complicated feelings for a lot of lesbians, queer, and trans people, including those who are not stone. as a high femme i am especially aware of that. i love to be a soft place to land for someone. i intuitively understand how certain touches and words can affirm someone’s unique experience of gender, whether they’re a stone butch top or not. i have made space for a lover’s trauma when they needed it, sometimes in the midst of sex or immediately after. making them feel heard and safe. i think my ability to do that comes from my stone.

i’ve had the chance to hang out with another stone femme in person exactly once, and it was crazy how much we aligned on things that didn’t have anything to do with sex or bottoming. which is so affirming, in a way, because it reassures me that my stone does shape me, it’s part of my identity, not just some ‘boundary’ i have in bed. it was so affirming to talk to them and see how beautiful they are as a person and how loving as a partner. i know that if we ever talked in person, anon, i would see the same things in you. 🥹💓 it’s the stone femme energy!!

yes, there are a lot of people out there who will need something we can’t comfortably give. and that’s okay. i know there are also so many people who will see the beauty in that part of us, and appreciate it as a gift. in dark lonely moments in the middle of the night, i might wish i was different, but in my heart i know a lot of my strength comes from my stone. it’s not a cold arbitrary line i draw around myself. it is my warmth. it informs everything about how i relate to a lover, to my community, to friends.

i hope some of this resonates, i wish i could give you a big hug 💞💖💕 thank you for giving me a chance to write this because it actually helped me feel better, i hope it helps you too

#clarke answers #stone identity #ask a femme

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trans-bread-of-life · 2 months

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Yesterday morning, I had a dream where I was on an elevator with a few people from a “discipleship school” (borderline cult) that I went to back in my Evangelical days. One of the ministry leaders got onto the elevator, said hi by name to every person but me, and only when I said hi to her again did she say hi, still refusing to use my name.

The dream was probably a realistic picture of what would happen if I ran into this particular woman someday, but I’m also wondering if it doesn’t have something to say more broadly about the experience of being a trans man.

As a cis-passing trans guy, I don’t really have a lot of places to belong in the queer community. I’m not a gay man, and gay male spaces are generally a minefield of dysphoria & avoiding chasers anyway. I relate to the sapphics, but as a man, I never really fit in their spaces (even when they try to be more inclusive). Trans-femmes have their own right-knot communities, but I really just have a few isolated trans-masc friends I go to for advice. I could probably fit in with cishet people, but I would have to hide the fact that I’m trans.

And when it comes to dating (mostly women & feminine people, as I’m kind of 90-10 bi favoring women), I keep shooting my shot and being turned down over and over again.

I don’t think I’m the only person experiencing this. In fact, I think it’s a systemic challenge that trans men face. As we are transitioning and reaching the times when we most need strong community support, we’re suddenly forced into the isolation of North American manhood. The message that we hear (usually implied, but occasionally out loud) is, “you wanted to be a man, so welcome to the worst part.”

But of course trans men are even more isolated than cis men, because all of these wild things are happening to our bodies with no one there to teach us to shave or show us how to navigate these new gender roles or help us figure out what the fuck to do with all of this ass hair.

I’m lucky to be involved in very queer church circles, where there is a critical mass to form a robust queer friend group, but not a big enough group to break off into specific identities. But that’s the only place where I’ve found myself belonging to a group and forming deep friendships.

I want there to be parties and queer community events/spaces where my presence is actively wanted & encouraged. I want to have memories that counter the many experiences I have (and the many more that I will have) of romantic rejection. I want to feel like I’m enough, and I want to feel like I belong.

I don’t know what the solution is (besides more spaces open to all LGBTQ+ people and maybe me figuring out to be hotter or something?) but I have to keep hoping it will get better.

In the meantime, hug a trans guy (with his consent) the next time you see one.

#transmasc #trans man #trans #transgender #trans grief #anti transmasculinity #queer christian #transandrophobia

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moonpool-system · 22 hours

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I kinda see a few post of did and polyfragment systems allowing interactions and questions, but i always feel SOOO uncomfortable and scared to interact, because it's seems to be too easy for me to miscommunicate and disappoint others severely, and get hated for interest, or even trying to be supportive and kind. I feel like walking on an eggshells constantly. Or, to be more correct, like walking on a minefield, even with neurotypicals. And when it comes to group of people who have whole bunch of different experience, triggers and problems i can't even learn properly without getting hated first, it's tough. And instead of explaining what i did wrong respectfully people just lash out at me often, singlets did it pretty often at every opportunity, and im afraid DID-systems i'll try to interact or build connection with will too, and i won't learn better, but only will build resentment to people with disorders who need accomodations and understanding far more, and will just avoid interacting with them at all. Which isn't good i think...

Soo... I think to understand what respectful interactions and questions mean, i want to ask for some more practical and seen examples of disrespectful vs respectful interactions? The more the better i think. Idk i want to be more confident i won't do it wrong.

Hey, we totally get it when it comes to approaching people. We were terrified of calling ourselves polyfragmented for the longest time because we were so certain our trauma just couldn't be "bad enough". The community can be scary to approach sometimes with questions and such, especially since there're a lot of people that just want to live and rest without being pressured. If you can find blogs that say they're open to questions on their pinned post, that's usually a big boon! If they say they're open to questions and then tell someone off for asking genuine ones then they're just an asshole lol

As far as examples, we're usually good at this but honestly that's kinda hard in this case. When we ask for information, we tend to just make sure to state they don't have to answer any questions they're not comfortable with, and we make sure not to ask about common triggers or in-depth descriptions of trauma. Another thing you can do is post some questions in the tag, and systems that feel comfortable will respond with their perspective!

When it comes to "respectful questions", we were more referring to that in the context of fictivity, haha. That generally covers not asking any deeply personal questions about the harder parts of ones' canon, not assuming someone is completely source compliant, stuff like that.

The community can be pretty divided in places, but if we're able to share, learn, and stand proudly, that'll start to change. ^^

#prism subsystem

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sundayswiththeilluminati · 1 year

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Have you got predictions about how Rasputin's meeting with other people from his past might go? We already got some very insightful morsels regarding how Osiris and possibly Saladin feel about it, but I'd so love more more more exploration of how Red feels about it... and maybe his meeting with Shaxx also (I am filthy Shaxxwinter shipper). There is so much introspection and self exploration potential and I want all of it.

There are so many possibilities. There always are when it comes to Rasputin! That's part of what makes him so delicious as a character.

First off I think Osiris/Saladin/Shaxx/anyone else will take some time to get used to the idea that Felwinter is back to some degree and it's not just Rasputin mimicking or puppeting dead memories. Being distributed and able to fragment and rejoin means Red’s concept of identity and self is more fluid than humans/Guardians are used to - we're already seeing that with the subminds - and Osiris, Saladin, and Shaxx will need to deal with what's not quite the person they once knew, but what is also not just a recording or hologram. Felwinter's experiences are now part of the huge shifting web of thought and connection that is Rasputin proper. Red seems to have been desperate to “wake up” in time to warn us about Clovis’ deception, and as previously noted Rasputin is terrible at talking to people, but Felwinter figured it out, so in order to communicate Red probably integrated Felwinter a lot faster and more fully than he otherwise might have. So we might see some turbulence as this new complex of thoughts and memories settles in as part of him, and that’s going to look weird to us non-distributed entities. Seeing how Red deals with the other subminds will help Osiris understand how Rasputin’s consciousness differs, but Saladin will probably call it malicious or insulting to Felwinter’s memory without understanding how much Felwinter and Rasputin overlap.

Once they're over that hurdle, it's time for the difficult emotional journey of Felwinter's past comrades squaring themselves with what and who Felwinter really was. Osiris acts like he's hoping Rasputin learned from Felwinter without letting himself acknowledge the idea that maybe a lot of the traits he admired in Felwinter and values in himself - fearlessness, intensity, tenacity, independent judgement, a willingness to cross boundaries - came from Rasputin in the first place. I don’t know how that’ll shake out for all of them long-term.

On Rasputin's side of things, right now I think he doesn't care how mad people are as long as they're talking to him. For a being created to be a singular authority and tending by nature to solitude Rasputin feels loneliness quite keenly. He forms connections despite himself, same as Felwinter, and those connections give him strength. He needs friends. Once upon a time he had a lot of friends, and they all died, and then even when one or two came back it was just one or two, and then he got gut-punched into a box and trapped barely conscious for a while, and so now Felwinter has sort of automatically brought in new friendship bonds that Red wants to keep badly enough to forge through a minefield of pain and guilt. So he'll probably keep talking to Osiris, and either try to talk to Saladin or split off a process to listen to him rant if he doesn't want to talk, and perhaps even say hello to Shaxx and Efrideet, partly because he feels an obligation to talk to those affected by his actions but also because Rasputin is lonely and scared right now and these are people who once mattered a great deal to part of him.

#Destiny 2 #Season of the Seraph #I kicked around the idea of Red integrating a sort of half-projection of Felwinter a while ago #because I assumed he had a scan of Felwinter at or just before the moment he died #for purposes of being sad I MEAN analyzing the threat #it's the fastest way for him to learn how to have a conversation #but boy is it going to look weird from our end #ra ra Rasputin Mars' greatest war machine #this is the wager of existence #output generated

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enbysorcerer · 3 months

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Day 6: Reach

Word Count: 2,030

TWs: None? Feel free to mesasge me if I'm wrong.

“You can’t keep going like this,” Masaru comments as he watches his best friend try to navigate the room. While this sounded like a perfectly normal event any able-bodied person should be able to do, Kiyoshi was not a normal able-bodied person. Kiyoshi had lost part of his leg just a few short months ago and hadn’t yet gotten used to the prosthesis…nor did he have any other tool to assist him given that his crutches were still leaning against the wall where Masaru left them when he went to work that morning.

“Like what?” Kiyoshi feigns innocence despite the way his remaining leg visibly shakes from the strain of holding him up on its own for so long.

“Like this,” Masaru replies, glancing pointedly at the trembling appendage. “You’re barely able to walk even with crutches, so how could you possibly expect to-”

He doesn’t get a chance to finish his sentence before Kiyoshi’s leg gives out. Kiyoshi reaches for the countertop, but he can’t get a good enough grip and goes crashing to the ground with a pained hiss.” “Shit!”

Masaru wants to rush forward and help–especially with how the sudden tenseness of Kiyoshi’s body implies the fall hurts more than he’s letting on–but he tries to resist. He briefly considers suggesting pain medicine, but Kiyoshi had been raised by addicts (one to alcohol and the other to pills) and he refused to use pain medication unless he had no other choice. As bad as things may look now, Masaru doubted it was bad enough for Kiyoshi to voluntarily take anything.

“This is exactly what I mean,” he says carefully, trying to gauge the other’s reaction. “You need to rest. Dr. Santori said you should still be taking it easy and relying on the crutches to get around. You’re not doing either.”

Kiyoshi glares at him. It hurts to see that look aimed at him, especially with how rarely Kiyoshi had gotten mad at him Before, but he knew Kiyoshi wasn’t taking this one leg situation as well as he could be. He was angry, and as much as Masaru wanted to, he couldn’t entirely blame Kiyoshi for it. This whole situation sucked, and it was made even more unfair by the fact that Kiyoshi’s childhood had been miserable for similar reasons.

While Masaru wouldn’t claim to know the full story (though he’s pretty sure he did), he knew Kiyoshi’s father had been a soldier, and while out scouting or something, his squad had taken fire and ultimately been led into a minefield, a fact they hadn’t been aware of until Kiyoshi’s father had the unfortunate experience of stepping on a mine that ultimately cost him both his legs.

From there, he was honorably discharged from the military, given a shiny medal of honor for bravery, and essentially abandoned to his own devices. He ultimately ended up getting addicted to pain pills, his wife drank to handle her stress, and Kiyoshi was forced to grow up far too soon to make sure neither of his parents died of intoxication.

Fast forward a decade or so and Kiyoshi decided to join the military himself to feel closer to the parent who was occasionally sober enough to remember his existence only to lose his father to illness shortly before he officially enlisted. A few years later, an explosion would have Kiyoshi’s leg trapped under a pile of rubble after the building his squad was in got bombed. Unfortunately, despite the efforts of many specialists (both magical and mundane), Kiyoshi’s leg was deemed unsalvageable and removed.

Over their many years of friendship, Masaru’s family had more or less adopted Kiyoshi after discovering he was living mostly alone with an abusive mother, so naturally, when they’d gotten the news, they’d all wanted to help, but Kiyoshi refused to let any of them (aside from Masaru that is) close enough to do so. In fact, he’d avoided all forms of communication from his family and friends, so it had been up to Masaru to keep everyone in the loop.

Originally Masaru had thought it was just Kiyoshi needing time to adjust, but it had been months, and he still refused to contact anyone. It broke Masaru’s heart to watch, especially once some of those friends of Kiyoshi’s stopped asking. He knew Kiyoshi’s lack of interest was a result of depression or PTSD (or both, given his circumstances), but he’s not sure what he could do aside from simply being here and refusing to leave no matter how much Kiyoshi tried to push him away.

Still, he could see when enough was enough.

“I’m fine,” Kiyoshi insists, reaching for the countertop again to pull himself upright. With the angle and the narrowness of the space, he barely manages to lift himself off the ground before crashing down again. He winces, tightly pressing his lips together as his wounded remains of a leg once again hit the hard ground.

If Masaru thought not rushing over to help the first time was hard, it’s nothing compared to now. He hates seeing Kiyoshi like this, but perhaps if he’s forced to confront his new limitations without Masaru jumping to help, it’ll help him realize he’s being an idiot about this whole situation. He wants to ask if Kiyoshi is okay again, but he resists and asks something else instead. “Does this really seem okay to you?”

Kiyoshi glares further. Masaru (barely) resists the urge to wince. “Give me a damn second.” He shifts position to get a firmer grip on the counter to pull himself up again. Before, he would’ve easily been able to lift himself from that position, but now he only gets about halfway before crashing to the ground once more.

There’s a brief flicker of frustration and anger before Kiyoshi schools his features into something more determined. The third attempt is no better than the second, but this time, Masaru is forced to intervene when Kiyoshi makes an audible noise of pain.

“Enough,” he says, firmly but gently, as he steps into Kiyoshi’s space to prevent him from making a fourth attempt. “Enough. Please. Just ask me to help you.”

“I don’t need help,” Kiyoshi insists further.

It pains Masaru to hear him like that, but he forces himself not to react. “Yes, you do.” Kiyoshi flinches in what would be an unnoticeable movement if Masaru didn’t know him as well as he did. “I know you don’t want to–don’t like to–but this is different. You can’t… this isn’t a situation you can handle alone.” He understands that asking for help was always hard for Kiyoshi after growing up the way he had, but Kiyoshi needed to understand this was different. Not just because his new disability left him no choice, but because Masaru would do anything and everything Kiyoshi asked. All he needed to do was say the words.

“Yes, I can. I just need-”

“I’m not leaving you,”Masaru says, finally getting straight to the heart of the matter. He would’ve thought that obvious–he’d practically worshiped the ground Kiyoshi walked on when they were children, and that hero worship had eventually turned to something stronger as they aged; he just refused to put a name to it for fear of losing the best and dearest friend he had–but the way Kiyoshi’s strong facade cracks for just the briefest moment says it’s evidently something Kiyoshi needed to hear.

“Everyone leaves eventually,” Kiyoshi mutters, carefully not looking at Masaru.

Masaru kneels down so they’re at eye level and cups Kiyoshi’s cheek. “Not me,” he says firmly. His tone has Kiyoshi hesitantly looking at him. “I’m not going anywhere. Not now, not ever.”

Kiyoshi seems uncertain, though he tries to hide it by looking away. “Why?”

Because I love you, is what Masaru would desperately like to say, but he refrains. “Because I’m not like your mother. I’m not going to leave just because things get hard. I’m going to be right here, and I’m going to stay right here no matter how hard you try to push me away.”

Kiyoshi’s eyes take on a suspiciously glassy, vulnerable sheen. “B-but why?”

“Because,” Masaru cups Kiyoshi’s cheek, running his thumb across the soft flesh to wipe away the tears. He hopes the overwhelming love and devotion he feels toward this man are visible right now, “you are and have been the most important person in my life since the day we met. You’ve given me strength, and made me feel loved and appreciated even when no one else could. I-honestly I don’t know if I could’ve made it this far without you in my life.” He smiles gently, his own eyes starting to feel damp. “Kiyoshi Nakamura, I have loved you since the day we met, and there’s no one–no one–I’d rather be with right now than you.”

Kiyoshi gapes at him, tears coming faster at what was just said. His mouth opens and closes repeatedly, unsure what to say. It comes to Masaru’s attention that he’d just confessed to the love of his life and that love wasn’t saying anything.

He pulls back self-consciously, lowering his eyes and hand to the ground. “I, uh, s-sor-” the apology he’d been able to make dies on his lips as they’re covered with another pair.

He instinctively reaches up, cupping the back of Kiyoshi’s neck to pull him closer. Kiyoshi’s tongue trails along his bottom lip, and he eagerly allows it entry. All the dreams he’d has about this very scenario since puberty are absolutely nothing compared to the real thing, and despite not having a clue what he’s doing–he’d never bothered to date anyone else once he realized his heart already belonged to his best friend–he seemed to have been doing something right given the lack of complaints.

When the need to breathe gets overpowering, he pulls back, resting his forehead against Kiyoshi’s. Kiyoshi’s gaze makes him feel oddly vulnerable, but he refuses to look away. Not yet. Not until he knows what just happened.

“I-I love you too,” Kiyoshi admits softly, seemingly afraid of the words he was speaking. As if just admitting this terrified him beyond belief. Masaru’s glad he’s not the only one feeling frightened of ruining their friendship.

Masaru beams, unable to stop himself, and is rewarded with a soft laugh. It’s the first genuine laugh he’s heard from Kiyoshi in months, and his heart soars at the sound. He has the urge to kiss Kiyoshi again and doesn’t bother resisting.

When he pulls back the second time, Kiyoshi is smiling, actually smiling, and Masaru’s certain he’s never been this happy before. “God, I’ve missed that smile,” he teases.

Kiyoshi ducks his head and blushes almost unnoticeably. He could probably count on one hand all the times he’d seen Kiyoshi blush over the course of their friendship, and it delighted him to be the cause of it.

Was this what being on cloud nine felt like? If so, he never wanted to leave it.

“You know, um,” Kiyoshi chuckles, “as happy as I am right now, this, uh, would probably be even nicer if we weren’t on the floor?”

Masaru laughs as he’s abruptly reminded of their position. “Oh. Right. Good point.” He climbs to his feet, struggling not to laugh again at the barely hidden pout sent his way, and offers a hand to Kiyoshi. He carefully pulls Kiyoshi up, not wanting to aggravate his injured leg more than necessary, and pulls the arm over his shoulder. His free arm wraps around Kiyoshi’s waist for support. “Better?”

Kiyoshi gives him an unimpressed stare. “I just meant for you to help me up. Not-” Masaru arches an eyebrow. Kiyoshi huffs. “Alright, alright. Do as you wish.”

Masaru smiles, even as Kiyoshi rolls his eyes. “Thank you.” He gets them both over to the couch before detangling them enough to sit down. Part of him wants to reach for Kiyoshi’s hand, but he’s not sure where the boundary is. Not anymore. And that’s the most exciting part of all this.

He sits down on the opposite end of the couch, crossing his legs as he turns to face Kiyoshi. “So… we should probably talk.”

#ockiss24 #writing #kiyoshi #masaru

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hekateinhell · 1 year

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I sometimes wonder how the Armand/Daniel power dynamic works in tandem with the fact that Daniel is nearly twice his mortal age. Running with the idea that one's impulses/emotional regulation remain similar to the cognitive control of the age that a vampire was turned at, I think about Armand and his Coven Master Freakishness contending with the fact that at 500-something years old, he still wants his boyfriend to baby him. Pre-bedtime thoughts.

Gosh, I think about this all the time! Armand's power dynamics are my bread and butter (I don't make a lot but it's good, honest work).

Because yes — if we go with the theory that at the biological level, vampire brains simply cannot mature past the point that they were turned — it opens up this entire minefield of contradictions. I usually draw on Lestat for comparison and inspiration when it comes to this sort of Armand meta, just because we hear so much from Lestat's perspective and he is the closest to Armand's mortal age within their little cohort.

But enough about Lestat.

Devil's Minion (being only what, thirty six pages? it's unbelievable) leaves a lot of room for headcanons and various interpretations of what happened when. For the most part, I just don't see Daniel and Armand's big fights and Daniel running away from Night Island until much closer to QotD era (~2 years or so).

What I always noticed is how much more direct Armand seems to be with Daniel than Marius was with him. He cries openly! He expresses his emotions! He doesn't beat him bloody because he doesn't know what else to do with himself! (Because Armand totally and easily could've). It's not great but he's trying! Was Armand better than Marius? In some ways, yes. Was he worse? Also yes, in some ways. This is a whole other conversation though RIP.

Thinking about Armand's ability (or inability) to self-regulate and how much closer he allows (or is unable to keep) his authentic emotions from bubbling to the surface... it's a very raw and youthful trait! And perhaps it's a testament to how close he feels to Daniel, and how affected he is by their arguments and the discord in the relationship.

I wanted to be somewhat saccharine here and instead I'm rambling on, but I also do like to consider what their day-to-day life as a long-term couple would've looked prior to 1984-1985 (when Daniel really started deteriorating and then ran away for the final time).

What did it look like when maybe Daniel made a joke that Armand took the wrong way and then brooded about it or some similar scenario? Because even if he could read Daniel's mind, he couldn't reconcile the intention with the words that came out of his mouth. I wonder if Daniel ever straight up told him, "Babe, I can't read your mind, you have to communicate better than this." And Armand is just shocked that someone can acknowledge where he's at emotionally and guide him in the right direction.

There's a lot of things to factor in here, including what Daniel's own brain development would've looked like due to the lifestyle they lived, but I think either way, he would have definitely had the advantage over Armand in that sense at least.

And how does a perpetually seventeen year old, ferocious vampire tell his boyfriend he just wants a cuddle and a kiss and the reassurance that — for this night at least — everything's okay and he's not going to walk out on him? Probably wallows in passive-aggressive silence and hopes Daniel shows him affection first. Indulges the feeling for a few minutes (because he feels safe enough to do so) before he snaps back into his caregiver/pest role and being the far older and more powerful of the two.

#these are good thoughts always thank you. <3 #this was nonsense going in about 6 different directions but i think about this a lot and i didn't want to lose this one in the ask box #i apologize for typos it's past my bedtime #you ask and hekate answers #armand/daniel #armand #daniel molloy #devil's minion #vc

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kariohki · 8 months

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BanG Dream! It's MyGO!!!!! Review

This anime review needs to start with some personal backstory.

I've been a fan of the Bandori franchise since 2018, which by standard metrics means I'm ancient around here. I've seen the addition of two other bands to the original five the franchise (re)launched with, both with their issues in being folded into the story well. When MyGO (I'm not typing out five exclamation marks every time, I'm sorry) was revealed to be the eighth band in this universe after existing for a year IRL with no information where they existed in the franchise, I was extremely pessimistic. When they were revealed to be first year high schoolers (for the most part), I was pessimistic because the franchise just made the large step of graduating its oldest characters into university, opening up the story to new experiences. And shortly before the anime debut, when they were revealed to be getting added to the mobile game, I was pessimistic because the game's writing has been relatively poor in character development and even event distribution and focus for the past two years.

So saying I was going into this anime looking at it with as much dislike as I held for Aqours at the end of the µ's era is an understatement. I didn't expect much - just wanted a decent narrowly focused show akin to season 1, showing how a new band gets formed.

From the first episode, my expectations were met. From the third episode, they were blown away.

The premise written, about a girl, Chihaya Anon, who starts the school year late because of reasons revealed later, wanting to join a band when everyone else is already in one, except for their class "weirdo", Takamatsu Tomori, doesn't even scratch the surface of what happens. From the beginning that shows the result of what happens when a band has a catastrophic break up, how that affects every member involved there, to Anon who walks into this minefield and attempts to navigate it stepping on multiple mines along the way, to what's needed for this band to actually form in the end - it takes the entire season, but the feeling of the the payoff is immense.

On to the characters. Each one of these characters is flawed and human. Tomori can't communicate her feelings or words well in speech, and feels everything that goes wrong is her fault. Anon runs away at the first sign of any extra work needed to succeed. Taki's overprotectiveness of Tomori and initial inability to accept others help cause her to become combative to others. Rana only sticks around when she finds things interesting, later revealing she's been trying to find another place to belong after her grandmother's live house shut down (yay season 1 callback!). And Soyo, who looked at older characters Sayo, Chisato, and CHU2 who were all disliked by the fandom at their introductions and said "hold my tea." Soyo's arc takes up the majority of the middle portion of the series, the threads of her arc being hinted at along the way before her turn, her mask cracking, and her eventual acceptance of what has happened in her life post-CRYCHIC.

And that's only the characters in MyGO proper. This story couldn't be told without five others, the girls that eventually form the group Ave Mujica at the end of the season in the final episode. Sakiko, probably the new most disliked character in the franchise, drives the plot train of "why did she break up CRYCHIC?" that started the series, leading up to the final reveal of her situation in life currently. Mutsumi, her friend, Soyo's friend, someone who has been strung along and used by others. Uika, a popular singer in an idol group, who is also Sakiko's friend, and the one who spurred Tomori to perform again. Umiri, Taki's classmate full of snarky banter, who also gave Tomori her best wishes. Nyamu is the character who just "exists" the most, but her two-faced influencer personality is setting up for trouble.

There are little bits here and there to remind existing fans that this is taking place in the same universe at the current point of the timeline, which I appreciated as it was not heavy handed. Of course the girls would run into Saya and Kasumi at Livehouse RiNG, as both frequent or work there. Of course they would meet Afterglow at a live, be inspired by Morfonica, or see the Roselia posters in the old astronomy club room. The only band to not have any representation is Hello, Happy World!, which while on one hand makes sense with the overall melancholy of the series, but as they are still a band that exists here, some showing would've been nice - Misaki at school, a Michelle sighting in town, Kanon at the aquarium, basically anything grounded for them.

As this is a music-themed franchise, the use of music is of course important. Most importantly are the use of the vocal songs - typically in these series you get the short cut and just assume the groups performed other songs off screen. Instead, MyGO uses multiple full length songs, where some were even re-recorded from the anime to sound rougher if needed - Hekitenbansou in episode 7 being the main example of this. This does make a couple of the episodes be half performance/song, but in the first case it's their first performance as a group and sets up Soyo's arc, and the second case in episode 12, it's their first performance as a true band.

The camera and scenery work is top-notch and a great example of what CG animation can do. Sanzigen levels up with every series they do, and comparing Bandori S2 to D4DJ First Mix to this demonstrates how they've started blending in more 2D for more varied expressions and movement, and improved their lighting in backgrounds. Stand out moments are every time Soyo is framed in slight darkness, the varied spacing and views of characters in rooms to show distance or discomfort, and the entirety of episode 3 being from Tomori's first person POV - the most unique way to do a flashback episode that I've ever seen in an anime.

The only flaws I have with the series are relatively minor - the opening sequence, while a great song, doesn't have too many interesting shots compared to previous Bandori seasons (the second version of Kizuna Music is one of my favorite OPs ever). Episode 13 is more of a victory lap for MyGO, before heading face first into a prologue for the upcoming Ave Mujica anime, which if you're not invested in that group can feel like a non-ending. Additionally, there's a few non-Sakiko related loose ends between MyGO that have probably been saved for the mobile game, which if you don't play that, tough luck, go wait for other people to play it and upload stories to Youtube. For English server players it's an even longer wait as MyGO isn't being added to that server until spring 2024.

This is the sleeper hit of the summer 2023 season, the one that'll be always called criminally underrated and brought up as something worth watching in future threads about animes you love but no one talks about. Which is a shame, as it deserves to stand next to series like K-ON! and Bocchi the Rock that are some of the most frequently recommended music anime. Rating: 9/10

#bang dream #bandori #anime #mygo #bang dream! it's mygo!!!!!#anime review #review

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rollercoasterwords · 1 year

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hey! I'm sorry if you've answered this/spoken about this before, and if so please just point me in the direction of your previous answer. but I recently had a trans friend who asked me to stop interacting with the wolfstar/marauders fandom. liking/reblogging posts and reading fanfics within the marauders fandom are the only way I interact with jkr/hp. I would not do anything to directly give her money, but my friend's argument is that every like and interaction with the fandom makes it more influential, which translates to more money. as well as not boycotting hp entirely is a slap in the face to trans people. so, I've stopped reblogging content because I don't want to negatively impact my friend or any other trans people, but I don't personally think I'm doing any harm through engaging with fanart/fanfic.

obviously you're engaged in the fandom, so I'm kinda looking to have my opinion validated... but I think you're very smart and that we share similar values, so I respect your thoughts and any advice you have for this situation. thank you <3

honestly anon if ur looking for like a nicely-wrapped post of "here's why it's okay to interact with harry potter fanfiction" then u have probably come to the wrong place, as this is a topic that i still have conflicted feelings about myself! but. if u want a little essay of my thoughts on the matter then here u go xx

so, first of all - yes, obviously i still interact with hp fandom. however, i'm not going to pretend that i don't understand your friend's point. i get the logic behind the argument that giving any attention to any sort of harry potter media in this day and age helps keep harry potter relevant, which contributes to jkr's influence, which is an influence she actively uses to hurt trans people. i understand why ur trans friend would feel hurt or ask u to stop interacting w hp media altogether.

however, trans people are not a monolith, and there are many trans people who continue to interact with hp in a variety of ways. for me, the space i've carved out in fandom over the past year or so has been a little online haven since i have to remain closeted irl for the most part. hp fanfic has been an important outlet for me to explore + express things abt my own trans identity. but i am also very aware that within the broader trans community, i am not one of those who is most vulnerable to jkr's rhetoric + politics. at the end of the day, there are trans people who don't care if you spend money on hp, there are trans people who don't care if u interact with fandom as long as u aren't spending money, there are trans people who think u shouldn't touch hp with a five-foot pole, and all manner of perspectives in between.

for me personally, there are caveats to my interaction with hp + the way i navigate the ethical minefield of jkr. i don't think there is any reason to ever financially contribute to hp, whether that's buying merch or games or going to hp themeparks or whatever, and i discourage people from interacting w hp within the context of any sort of profit economy. i try not to interact with hp in a way that will grow the popularity of the franchise in any way - i post fanfiction on ao3, where the people reading it are gonna be people who are already part of this space that are seeking it out, and i have this tumblr blog which is, essentially, the same deal. i'm not trying to advertise my fic or get people to suddenly develop a new interest in harry potter, if that makes sense. this is part of why tiktok remains a bit of an ethical quagmire for me, because i feel that the way people interact w fic on there often blurs the lines between being inside or outside of a profit economy.

i also think it's important, when interacting with hp in any way, to acknowledge jkr's influence and the inherent shittiness of the source material. i don't think it's enough to go "dobby wrote the books haha!" and act like we can just ignore jkr, bc her shitty politics are built into the book. i think it's important to engage critically and to consider how you're building off the source material and whether ur unintentionally perpetuating the biases in the text by copying and pasting them without further examination. i talk abt this more in this post

and, of course, i think it's important to vocally stand against jkr + her politics, and to support trans people within + outside of fandom spaces in whatever ways you can. i think it's important to stay educated + engage with theory + politics in a way that goes beyond retweeting posts or watching tiktok clips. jkr isn't just transphobic; her sexism, racism, classism, fatphobia, homophobia, ableism, antisemitism, and overall horrible neoliberal politics are very much built into the text of hp, and if u are not actively educating urself on these issues it's gonna be easier to just internalize them without realizing it.

for me, these are all considerations that affect the way i interact with hp + the extent to which i interact with hp. however, there are people out there who would probably tell me to get off my high horse + stop acting like there are more or less ~morally pure~ ways to interact with hp, bc at the end of the day there's no ethical consumption under capitalism and people writing hp fanfiction isn't really harmful in the grand scheme of things. there are other people who would tell me that it doesn't matter what mitigating factors i'm using to justify my hobby; any contribution that keeps people talking about hp keeps jkr relevant, and i should be able to find other shit to write about. and like....i understand the perspectives of both those people, y'know?

i honestly just think this is a decision where every individual needs to weigh the scales themselves and decide what they're okay with. it's not my job to police or justify the ways people do or don't interact w hp media; if someone's interacting with it in a way i don't like, then i block that person or just don't interact with them. if someone sees me interacting w hp fanfic + thinks that makes me a shitty person, then they can think that and we can go on living our separate lives. some trans people continue to find comfort + community in hp fandom spaces, other trans people feel deeply hurt by the continued existence of these spaces. there is no single answer to What Supports Everybody. your relationship with your friend is something specific to your situation that you'll need to take into account when weighing your own feelings about interacting with hp; the only advice i can really offer is that i think it's better to critically consider the various perspectives people have on this issue without reducing it to a black and white case of two sides where one must be right and one must be wrong.

#ask #ranting and raving

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therecordchanger62279 · 1 month

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GOODBYE FACEBOOK

After 15 years on Facebook, I deleted my account yesterday. I joined originally because I was feeling isolated, and wanted to make contact with people who’d drifted out of my life, and maybe find a few new friends in the process. Although I didn’t know it at the time, that’s not the way social media works.

I didn’t make a single new friend in my 15 years on Facebook. I lost track of how many old friends I lost because of it, but the number exceeded seven. Many of those fell victim to misunderstandings that probably never would’ve happened if we’d been face-to-face with one another. (I was even forced to unfriend my twin brother because he took some of my comments on his posts the wrong way. It’s very difficult to convey humor when the person can’t look you in the eye. It doesn’t matter how many laugh emojis you attach. When I discovered he adjusted his settings so I wouldn’t see his posts, I thought I’d better unfriend him before it got out of hand. The damage has since been repaired the old-fashioned way – we talked on the phone, and through an e-mail exchange.) The others happened because this social media app allowed people to needlessly, and without provocation abuse me to satisfy some malicious drive in them to humiliate or belittle me for reasons I simply cannot fathom. It’s called trolling, but you don’t really expect trolls to be people you thought of as friends. Rather than try to repair the damage, I simply walked away. I have no time left in my life for people who clearly do not want me in theirs.

I also made the unpleasant discovery that most people are liars or phonies. They’ll pose as friends, but, in reality, you, and the things you do with your life are of no real interest to them at all. You are nothing more than part of an audience when they take center stage to tell of their lives. I often compare it to being in a large gathering of people who are all talking, and nobody is actually listening. I can’t tell you how often I was solicited to give feedback or support on some of their artistic pursuits, but after spending three years working on this blog I’m proud of, and being urged by those same people to permit them access to it because they all said they wanted to see it, I showed them my work, and nearly all of them completely ignored it. They didn’t reject it because they didn’t like what I’d done. They just never bothered to look at it. And yet, they still continued to lobby me for support and encouragement when they made new music, or wrote a new book or a play, or took up a cause.

I was that guy at a party, standing in the room in plain sight that nobody noticed; to whom nobody spoke. I figured nobody would notice or care when I left. So, I simply walked out the door, and I’m not coming back.

I haven’t even mentioned what a trainwreck the site is when it comes to how it’s managed. Understanding their community guidelines regarding posts is like walking through a Bosnian minefield. No matter how careful you are, you’re eventually going to step on one, and you get to spend some time in Facebook jail until you learn your lesson. The news feed is clogged with ads, and an endless stream of suggested pages based on all the data they’ve collected on you than makes them think they know who you are, and can therefore market their products to you, and help separate you from your money. For example, I don’t watch or follow much sports anymore except some NFL during the season. But there were always endless suggestions in my feed that I follow pages about hockey, basketball, baseball, and many more. No matter how many I blocked, they just kept coming. I’m retired, and have been married for almost 44 years. But there were plenty of ads for online senior dating websites. I guess there was money to be made if Facebook could break up my marriage. And don’t you find it creepy when you look up some product online, and suddenly there’s that same product in an ad on your Facebook news feed? Big Brother is watching you 24/7. Don’t kid yourself otherwise.

So, why did it take 15 years to decide to leave? Well, I had come to rely upon it for some news, and weather, and announcements of new products I might be interested in (music, books, etc.). It was like that relic from the past – a daily newspaper. I also told myself I ought to maintain my page so that I would have some connection to friends and family since none of them live near me, and most I haven’t seen in more than a decade. But the light finally went on, and I realized these people were ghosts. I’d surrounded myself with my past. I discovered that once you’re not a part of someone’s day-to-day life (and that includes relatives as well as friends), you never will be again. You simply don’t matter any longer. Everybody has moved on, and nobody saved you a place at the table.

Okay. I accept that. But what I found impossible to tolerate was the hypocrisy. When I hit the delete button yesterday, I felt as if a weight had been lifted. There are suddenly so many things I no longer need be concerned with, and people I can consign, once and for all, to the place they all occupy – the past. I wished them well, and some commented I should stay in touch, but I won’t bother because I know they won’t bother.

Cyberspace is the real distance between people in the 21st century. Calling the internet the “worldwide web” is the perfect name for it. Because like a fly, you can get trapped in the web, and find yourself prey to all sorts of predators, with, seemingly, no way out – until you open that door, and the web breaks, and you’re suddenly free to crawl away before you’re trapped again.

If I could go back and live in the last century, I would. But I can’t. So, I’ll just have to find a way to cope in this one. Social media wasn’t helping. I can’t tell you how grateful I am there was a delete button.

#Facebook

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williamrikers · 1 year

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my thoughts are very incoherent at this point but that conversation between akk and aye in part 4 had me crying. because that conversation DID NOT ACTUALLY RESOLVE THE ISSUE!!! aye didn't take akk's feelings seriously at all, and didn't even try to put his concerns to rest, when the concern is that aye doesn't love him the way akk needs to be loved?? HELLO?? the solution to that is not "you're so cute when you're angry" it's just not 😭 please please PLEASE let them have an actual conversation about this tomorrow, please let aye actually take akk's concerns seriously 😭🙏 this is just a minefield of poor communication tbh and i don't want akk to be unhappy 😭😭😭

#tbh this is still better than simm where they just had no plot at all #but this time the plot is ''actually this relationship might not be right for akk'' and like. NO WHY 😭#jesus fucking christ i'm crying #our skyy 2 x the eclipse #our skyy 2 #the eclipse #*mine

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quippecker · 1 year

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HATE the ghosting culture on this website, gives me so much anxiety whenever a partner just goes completely silent out of the blue. Personally, since people dipping is SUCH a problem on here, I think it would be polite to at least send a message to say you're busy, part of the time... I never hold it against anyone individually, since I know shit happens, and there are plenty of times that I've suddenly dropped off on someone for a bit. I'm not perfect, I've ghosted entirely by mistake, and I know that happens too. But if it's more than a week, I try to send a quick message to let them know, because I hate the way it makes me feel to be on the receiving end.

I just never know what's going on with people here, because they're all so afraid to talk to each other. And I get it. The one time you think communication might be a good idea, the person on the other end is obsessed w anonymity and hates ooc and disconnects. Then you decide, maybe I should keep quiet, and you get people that WANT communication, and freeze up and ghost the entire thread because they're scared to message you for even the most minor of clarifications. I've saved so many threads, chiming in with a suggestion or clarification when a regular partner suddenly freezes up, but I wish taking that initiative didn't risk a D/C for the crime of trying to collaborate, instead of read minds.

I hate it! I wish you could ask someone if they're busy for your peace of mind, like a normal person, without running the risk of people thinking you're clingy and need to touch grass. I've put HOURS of my time and emotional investment in this, and am looking forward to corresponding with you! If we have been messaging daily for weeks, I'm worried on a human level, when you just suddenly disappear! And not for nothing, but it hurts my feelings!

I love this hobby, I don't care about reading/writing fic and I never have, I like connecting to someone who shares my same passions for a character and a concept and the joy of writing, but this site is just a minefield of people that seem to hate it for some damn reason

#cherp #it happens all the time #it just HURTS when its someone that has been excited and praising your writing nonstop ooc #so you think everything is going fine #text posts #whatever #its a 50/50 that they come back now but still hurt my feelings #u can leave for any reason but it also still hurts feelings both can be true

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kushielsmercy · 1 year

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Statute 62A: Regarding the Proper Care and Feeding of Your Vampire (E | 3,803)

Three years ago, the Federation for Witches Rights in the Northern Province successfully petitioned to classify “The Witching Hour” as a racial slur and get it removed from all governmental use. Joe vaguely remembers the brightly colored media campaign that had sporadically decorated his Facebook timeline; he had idly scrolled a few comment threads debating whether the community should take a stand against microaggressions or reclaim the term.

At the time, the campaign had bemused Joe. Not that he disagreed with their cause, but because Witches were still paid on average 15% more for potion supplies than other night creatures and were substantially more likely to be falsely charged with counts of dark magic, so it seemed an odd use of their community’s resources.

Now, simultaneously exhausted and wired on the three shots of espresso he downed at 8pm, Joe is reconsidering that stance.

3 a.m. is the worst. 3 a.m. is a crime against nature. No self-respecting creature should ever be forced to see this hour, and no species associated with the inherent bullshit of its existence.

Not that Joe feels particularly self-respecting at this moment, reduced to covering a routine patrol shift for the hunter kid down the street who called in sick again, not even bothering to step outside the party Joe could hear going on in the background and fake a cough. Joe should have called him on it, but he’s a sucker who still cares about the job being done properly, and the teenagers stuck with shifts as part of their mandatory community service know it.

So here he is, nine-hundred years old, spending his Friday night wandering the live-donor clubs, checking permits and kicking out vamps with only a few decades under their belt who still think flashing fang in public is cute.

To top it all off, the threadbare patch on the knee of his favorite jeans finally ripped about an hour back. Joe is this close to calling it early and leaving the city to fend for itself for a night. The city’s peace will not snap just because Joe gets five hours’ sleep for a change. He’s coming off a fifty-hour week - again. Copley’s been promising for months that he’s going to force the city to cough up the money for extra staff, but Joe isn’t holding his breath. The perils of the life of an underpaid civil servant.

Joe picks at the hole in his jeans, thinking that he might treat himself by ordering new ones to his house to try on instead of braving the mall - it’s tourist season for the fae folk which makes the food court a fucking minefield. He knows he’ll never return the spares, he’s got a horrible habit of throwing whatever doesn’t work into the back of his closet to be dealt with the next time he moves, but currently underpaid or not, nine-hundred years of compound interest has to be good for something. It took him weeks to translate the terms of the troll union shipping agreement a hundred years back. He deserves this convenience.

Just as Joe has almost talked himself out of his obligation to society, leaning against an ally wall and counting backwards from ten, a car alarm blares. He grits his teeth, flashing back to a different time, a different place, when alarms were church bells begging his people to take their children and run.

Fine. Fine. One more trap, he bargains with himself, he’ll check one more trap, and then he’s done. He has a good bed. An expensive bed. He would like to spend some time getting to know it better.