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#i also had 40 minute long panic attack while coming home from work
kinyeee · 1 year
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I'm upset. Angry and sad.
I need some break from this fandom. It was a hard day and my personal life doesn't make it better.
I'm a very sensitive person an empath so when I see people - that I adore and love without even knowing them personally - crying and being visibly upset and heartbroken I cannot just let it go. I put on my motherly protective mode while bawling my eyes out and feeling too much.
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watchmegetobsessed · 3 years
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AT YOUR SERVICE
a/n: oh my it's been so long since i've written (and finished lol) something, but today at work i got inspired and typed up this lil fluffy piece! here i present you Bucky being the true hero himself while also using Teen Wolf to pick Y/N up in a twisted way lmao!
pairing: Bucky X Reader
warnings: panic attack
word count: 3.2k
masterlist
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(gif is not mine)
You have not been this nervous probably since your high school prom when your crush asked you to be his partner. As you stand in front of your mirror in your small studio apartment, you study your figure that’s wrapped in an elegant blue dress, the silky fabric showing quite some skin but still remains sophisticated enough to wear to your boss’ fancy charity party.
You’ve been to Tony’s parties before several times, but you’ve never bought a brand new dress to any of them, because you didn’t feel like you were important enough to do it. Not that tonight is different, but you want to catch the eyes of a certain someone you’ve been getting a little flirty with lately.
Bucky Barnes joined the Avengers a few months ago and though he seemed to have some struggle blending into the team, the two of you kind of hit it off straight away. It was all just an accident, really. Your favorite spot to have lunch was a hidden little corner on top of the tower, a place where you could be on your own a little, sort your head out, admire the beauty of the city before returning to your office where your desk is always stacked with paperwork about the endless missions the Avengers keep going on.
Bucky was looking for the same kind of peace, to have a getaway from the busy tower and that’s when he found your spot, with you there, of course.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to bother…” he mumbled when he spotted you sitting on an old chair you dragged up for yourself a few weeks ago.
“That’s alright,” you smiled at him and you swear you saw him blushing at the sight of you.
He was adamant on leaving you to be, to find a different spot, but then you convinced that he could join you anytime he wants. At first the two of you sat in silence as you ate, but with time you always found something to talk about and the conversations just never seemed to end. Then your little lunch times turned into run-ins at other times as well, Bucky would come to your office with any excuse just to see you and whenever there was a social event, the two of you found yourself gravitating towards each other, ending up forgetting about the rest of the people.
There was always some flirting, some playfulness between the two of you, but you couldn’t tell if it was just with you or if it’s how he is with everyone else.
“If it was the 40s I would say it’s an everyday thing, but he is not that man anymore,” Steve once told you when he managed to get you to talk about Bucky. You told him about your doubts whether it's genuine or just a game to him. “The fact that he talks so much to you is already a miracle, Y/N,” he chuckled, patting your back.
But despite Steve’s words, you couldn’t be sure and didn’t mean to ruin what you had by telling him you had feelings for him and then have him reject you. That would break your heart for sure.
Tonight though you thought you’d try to push the situation a little out of the hole it’s been sitting in for the past weeks. You’re hoping to get a reaction out of him with looking probably your best you’ve ever been and maybe, truly just maybe… he would make a move. Because you’d be damned to do it.
What you don’t know is that not far from your home, the man in talk is feeling just as jittery as you are about tonight.
Bucky is trying to fix his messed up tie with not much luck, growling as he starts over again, but Steve just can’t let him suffer any longer.
“Stop this circus, Bucky. Let me do it,” he shoos Bucky’s hands away as he proceeds to fix what his best friend hasn’t been able to complete in the past twenty minutes. “Nervous?”
“I just… don’t like crowds,” Bucky mumbles, but there’s no use to lie, Steve sees right through him.
“But what about crowds with a special girl in it, huh?”
Bucky remains silent, but it tells enough. Steve lets out an airy chuckle as he pats his shoulder before stepping away from the man so he can take a look at himself in the mirror.
“Looking sharp, you better sweep her off her feet tonight. I don’t want to watch you act like a fool around her office any longer.”
“I’m not acting like a fool, alright?”
“The way you blush about everything she says and stare at her whenever you spot her… you kind of are a little.”
“Whatever. What do you know about women, Rodgers?”
Steve just laughs at his friend's words before they both make their way to the event.
It’s still quite early when the arrive, barely half of the guests have arrived and Bucky finds himself searching the room for just one specific face, however he doesn’t find it.
“Try to mingle a little before you jump at her tonight, yeah?” Steve teases him before they head to the bar for a drink.
You arrive to the party a little late, but you think it’s still fashionable. Clinging onto your purse you make your way inside, the hostess at the entrance asks for your name and you can’t miss the jealous glint in her eyes when she sees that you’re listed together with the Avengers. Upon walking in you are quick to get targeted by a waiter with a tray of champagne, you get yourself a glass mumbling a short thank you as you make your way further into the venue.
“Look at this beauty!” Wanda’s voice breaks the constant buzzing and you turn your head in it’s way only to find her and Nat walking your way. Wanda is wearing a burgundy jumpsuit while Nat opted for a simple, tight black dress.
“You look amazing, Y/N,” Nat smiles at you, clinking her own glass against yours.
“Thanks, guys. You two look great too!” you beam at them, your eyes scanning over the guests involuntarily.
“I saw him near the bar just a few minutes ago,” Wanda tells you with a knowing smile, but you pretend not to know who she is talking about.
“Huh? Who did you see?”
“Come on, Y/N. You know you are a horrible liar,” Nat chuckles. “Besides, I know you had a little chat with Steve about him.”
“Steve and his big, old mouth,” you roll your eyes, taking a sip from the champagne.
“You should just go for it,” Wanda shrugs, but you shake your head no.
“And then have him reject me and make it awkward for everyone, especially me? Nope, no thank you.”
“He wouldn’t reject you,” Nat argues, but you’re stubborn.
“Nice try. I’ll find Tony, catch up later?” you smile at them before making your way through the groups of people.
Upon finding Tony you are pulled into a conversation pretty fast and for a few minutes you forget about Bucky. That is right until you spot him standing at the bar, wearing a black suit with a crispy white shirt and a perfectly tied black tie around his neck. You’ve never seen him look this elegant, you mostly see him in his gear he wears on missions, a heavy west covering his abdomen most of the time and when he is off the clock he opts for dark gym clothes. Seeing him in a suit is a pleasant surprise, that’s for sure. You tune out of the discussion for a few moments as you adorn the man who hasn’t spotted you just yet. But just as you are about to turn away before you get caught, his icy blue eyes meet yours and your gazes melt together in an instant. You feel goosebumps all over your body under his intent glare, but it also warms your chest that cages your heart that’s beating like crazy.
You can read it off of his lips as he excuses himself from the man he was talking to before and you do the same as you head in each other’s way, meeting halfway.
“Hi,” you breathe out as he stands tall in front of you.
“Hi! You look… wow!” he chuckles shyly and the apples of his cheeks turn into a blushy color within a moment.
“Thank you. You look sharp too. You should wear suits more often!”
“You think so?” he asks, glancing down at his attire. “It feels so strange.”
“You look like James Bond,” you smile at him, your comment making him chuckle and you feel the butterflies in your stomach dancing around.
“I suppose it’s a good thing,” he smirks with a boyish shine in his eyes. “I’ve been looking for you.”
“You have?” you ask, feeling your pulse quickening again.
“Yeah. I always do, if I’m being honest.”
“So I haven’t gotten on your nerves just yet?” you joke, making him laugh as he shakes his head.
“You could never, doll.” There’s a moment of silence where you both are just staring at each other, the intensity has your palms sweating and you swear you see him inch closer. Now you can see every tiny freckle on his face and you are aching to reach forward and place your hands to his chest.
“Do you maybe--” he starts, but he is interrupted by Tony as he joins the two of you in a rush.
“Hey, Y/N. I need your help.”
“What?” you ask, barely snapping back to reality from the moment you just had with Bucky.
“I need you-- Barnes, stop looking at me like you want to rip my head off,” Tony tells him, pretending to be hurt by Bucky’s dark gaze. Bucky sighs as he tilts his head to the side.
“You do realize she is not working tonight, right?”
“Bucky, it’s fine,” you tell him, placing a hand to his arm, feeling how tense he is.
“And if someone blows this place up, you won’t chase after the bad guy either because you are off the clock?” Tony retorts, making Bucky roll his eyes at the man.
“What is it you need help with?” you ask Tony, hoping to get whatever he needs done as fast as possible, so you can enjoy the evening with Bucky.
“I need the documents we got from Milan last week, I’m trying to nail a business tonight, but they want to see numbers. Can you get them for me?”
“Sure,” you nod, knowing exactly where they are in your office.
“Thanks, you’re the best,” Tony gives you a thumbs up before storming off.
“I’ll be right back,” you tell Bucky, but he starts walking with you.
“I’ll go with you. If… you don’t mind it.”
“No, not at all,” you smile back as the two of you head out.
The party is luckily held just a few buildings down from the tower, so the two of you can easily walk over, get the documents and return within 30 minutes. Your pace is a little slower because of your high heels, but Bucky doesn’t mind spending the extra time with you. The tower feels so empty, only the security lingering around in the building as you arrive, which is a great contrast to the busy everydays you get to experience during the day.
“You should ask for a raise, working on your evening off,” Bucky suggests with a smirk as the two of you wait for the elevator.
“I can’t say he is not paying enough, because he does. It’s more than enough,” you smile back. “And it’s just a short little tour, it was even nice to have a breather from the party, don’t you think?”
“You’re right.”
The elevator arrives and Bucky gestures for you to walk in first. Then he joins you and pushes the button of the level where your office is, something he knows by heart by now. If he lost his eyesight tomorrow he could still find your office without a hustle, that’s how well he knows where to look for you during the day.
You are almost where you need to be when the elevator abruptly stops and the lights start flickering. Bucky’s hand immediately grabs onto your arm to steady you before you could lose your balance as the elevator gets stuck between two floors on its way up.
“F.R.I.D.A.Y.? What happened?” He calls out for the AI.
“There’s been a short circuit in the fifty-second unit. I’m already investigating it, Sergeant Barnes,” the answer comes right away.
Bucky doesn’t panic, he knows that it’s most likely just something minor and they’ll be on their way up again any moment.
You, however, you are not taking the situation well. As he glances to his side he sees how your eyes have widened and your chest is rising and falling heavily as you gasp for air silently. He doesn’t need to think long before he realizes that you are just about to have a panic attack.
“Doll? Everything is alright, we’ll be out of here soon.” Reaching out he is about to cup your face but he stops himself, not sure if you’d appreciate the physical touch right now. Instead, he holds his hand out for you to decide whether you want to touch him or not. You grab onto his hands fast and hard, gripping them tight as your panic filled eyes meet his worried gaze.
“B-Bucky…” you breathe out, feeling yourself breaking a sweat.
“Are you claustrophobic? What should I do?!” he asks, his own panic rising in his chest.
“I just… Fuck!” you cry out shaking your head.
It’s not that you’re extremely claustrophobic. Sure, you don’t like small, closed off places, but it’s not that bad, you can easily take the elevator anytime. But this one time when you were small, you got stuck in an elevator on your own and it took them almost two hours to get you out of it. You were scared, frightened and the fear of getting stuck has been in the back of your head ever since. Now your nightmare is back, haunting you without mercy.
“Okay, breathe. Breathe with me, doll. Everything will be alright, I’m here, I’m not gonna let anything happen to you.”
Bucky starts inhaling and exhaling dramatically, making you follow him, hoping it would help you and get you out of your hyperventilation. You try your best to focus on him, hands still gripping onto him hard, but he doesn’t even notice it. All he wants is to get you to relax and stop panicking.
“You’re doing good, Y/N. Just in and out, deep breaths, you’re doing amazing,” he assures you, when he notices that your breathing is starting to get back to normal.
Wanting to feel shielded and safe, you push yourself against his chest and he wraps his arms around your figure without a second thought as the two of you keep breathing together. Closing your eyes you rest your forehead against his shoulder, trying to focus only him and not the situation you are in. A couple minutes need to go by before you feel like yourself again, Bucky’s hands are soothingly running up and down your back as he patiently waits for you to settle. When you pull back a little and look him in the eyes, he smiles at you warmly, melting you instantly with just such a tiny thing.
“Better?” he quietly asks.
“Yeah. I’m sorry, I just--”
The elevator suddenly starts moving again, startling you just a bit, but when you finally reach your floor you rush out as fast as you can as relief washes over you.
“I’m never taking it again,” you mumble, blowing raspberries and Bucky just chuckles at you.
“So you’ll take the stairs up to the 102nd floor every day?”
“Yes I will!” you answer right away, making him laugh. “At least I’ll have a nice ass.”
“Or you can just take the elevator. I promise I’ll come with you every time,” he offers and you just smile back at him. “But for real, are you okay? Do you want to sit down for a bit?” he asks and the concern is back in his blue orbs.
“I’m fine, I’m sorry for the little scene,” you wave around in dismiss. “I just once got stuck in an elevator when I was a kid and it left me a bit traumatized,” you chuckle, trying to downplay your fear.
“You scared me for a moment there, doll. I didn’t know how to help you. I remembered once reading an article about how to stop panic attacks, but for a moment I forgot everything it said,” he admits chuckling, making you laugh too.
“Yeah? Well, the breathing was good. It helped.”
“I’m glad, because my second thought was what I saw on the show Wanda made me watch,” he chuckles shaking his head.
“What show?”
“Um, Teen Wolf, I guess? One of the guys in it had a panic attack and the girl…”
Bucky cuts himself realizing what he was about to say. His eyes flicker over you, wanting to read them and see if you know what he was talking about and if he just outed himself with it. Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, you know exactly what he was referring to.
“What did the girl do?” you ask anyway, wanting to hear it from Bucky himself.
“She, um… she kissed the guy,” he mumbles, his eyes never leaving yours as you take a step closer to him.
“So you wanted to kiss me?” you ask, now standing only inches away from him. For your surprise, one of his hands finds yours while the other comes up to cup your cheek as he never breaks eye-contact.
“I have. But it wasn’t the first time,” he admits and your breath hitches. It’s the first time he is straight-forward and it’s not just some flirting with double meaning. You can’t mistake his words this time.
“Well, maybe next time you should try that,” you prompt, your heart hammering in your ribcage when you realize that he has leaned closer, his lips almost brushing against yours. “In fact, I feel like another panic attack is coming over me. Help me, Bucky!” you tell him teasingly and luckily, he gets the hint.
His hungry lips meet yours, something you both have been daydreaming about for way too long. His smooth lips move against yours in a comfortable rhythm and when he runs his tongue along your bottom lip, asking for permission, you meet him with just as much excitement. Your fingers lace through his hair, pulling him down to you, while he cages your figure in his strong arms as if you could be stolen from him any moment. It’s sweet and heavenly and you just know you don’t want to go a day without kissing him from now on. He got you addicted.
Unwillingly, but you pull back after a while, his lips returning to pepper the corner of your mouth with a few soft pecks before you open your eyes and meet his gaze.
“Feeling better now, doll?”
“Definitely, but I think I need some more.” Bucky chuckles, pecking your lips shortly before he nudges his nose against yours.
“Happy to be at your service anytime.”
Thank you for reading, please like and reblog if you enjoyed it!
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animeomegas · 3 years
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Omega!Naruto Characters - Death from a broken heart.
Anon:  I don't know if you do, but some aus say that a person can't sruvive after their mate dies, like they die from a broken heart. Do you have that in yours, can you write who would be most likely to die mayeb please xx
(I love this headcanon! In my au, I think that if a person feels like they have nothing left to live for after their mate dies, they die with them. This is my ranking for how the boys would react when you had been mated for a while, but before having children. 
I wrote a Naruto one first, but I’m already half way through a BNHA version, so look out for that.)
Warnings: Suicide, major death, depression.
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LEAST
1. Naruto – ALIVE – He is in mourning for a long time, but ultimately, he manages to turn your death into something meaningful. He memorialises you with a beautiful shrine in your home that he can’t bear to leave. He tries to ‘solve’ whatever it was that killed you. For example, if you died from sickness, he would assign lots more funds into the hospital and medicinal research. It’s not easy for him at all, but he could move on someday and take another mate, many years down the line. He has so much love to give and he wants to receive love in return, and he knows you would want him to be happy. However, he would never tolerate a new mate who was jealous of you or wanted him to get rid of your shrine. He could never do that to your memory. He picks a mate he knows you would love.
2. Iruka – ALIVE – He is deeply depressed when you die. He throws himself into his work as much as he can, distracting himself until he has a complete breakdown. He relies on his friends a lot during this time. Iruka eventually learns to distract himself in healthier ways, processing with your death in smaller increments rather than all at once. He might get another mate, but it would be very unlikely I think. It would be more likely that Iruka decides to adopt an orphan and throw himself into raising that child with as much love as he can. He would raise the child knowing you as their other parent, telling them stories about you, showing him pictures and visiting your grave with them.
3. Gaara – ALIVE – He is angry. It has been a long time since he was this angry. Gaara blames himself for a long time, which sends him down a dark path. Ultimately what saves him is his siblings. They keep him sane and happy to the best of their abilities and Gaara throws himself into his family as a result. It’s the only place where he can feel okay, if only for a little bit. If his siblings ever have pups, Gaara is committed to being the greatest uncle of all time and the pups love him. However, he can’t help but get lost in his thoughts sometimes, wondering what your children would have been like. He misses you every second of every day. He would be extremely unlikely to get mated again.
4. Shikamaru – ALIVE – He is furious. With the situation, with himself, and with you, for leaving him alone when you promised you wouldn’t. Another one who leans a lot on his friends and family to get him through the darkest time in his life. He lashes out at people and is very difficult to deal with after you die. I definitely see him as the kind of person to take on one of your hobbies to help him deal with your loss. Whatever it was you loved to do the most, he will start doing as a way to ensure that he will never forget you. He may get mated again, he may not, it depends a lot on if he meets someone he falls in love with again. But if the clan elders ever try and push him to mate again so that he can have an heir, he will flip his shit big time. He sees it as a direct attack on your memory.
5. Shino – ALIVE – He withdraws into himself. He speaks to no one other than his father for about a month after your death, refusing to go about his life as normal. Because it’s not normal and it will never be normal again. He takes a long hiatus from missions which he spends sorting through his thoughts and memories of you. The things he never said, the things he never got to do, the things he should have done. He tortures himself for a few weeks before his father pulls him out of his slump by force. They go for walks together, trying to find certain bugs, just like they did when he was a child. They cook together, Shibi closely monitoring Shino’s diet, knowing that hunger takes a big hit after the death of a mate. This is what saves Shino, but he will never mate again. He refuses. He couldn’t do that to your memory, but he also couldn’t do it to himself. Not again.
6. Neji – ALIVE – He gets so close to death. He stops eating, stops getting out of bed, stops working. He just lays there wasting away. He is convinced that he’s going to die and he feels weirdly happy about that. He doesn’t fight it at all, but instead embraces all his misery. It’s when his teammates come to visit him that everything changes. They find him close to death and panic. They rush him to the hospital, making sure that someone is with him at all times. They tell jokes, they organise games and read to him, anything to make him feel better. And it works enough that he can leave the hospital in a fortnight. Even after that, they keep up around the clock supervision for him, making sure that he is never alone with his dark thoughts for too long. Slowly, but surely, he recovers. But he never forgets. And he certainly never mates again.
7. Itachi – DEAD (kind of) -  Itachi shuts down, but he doesn’t die, at least not immediately. He hyper focuses on his plan, following the steps automatically. He’s happy with every step he completes, because he knows the final step is his death. He clings to the knowledge that he will die soon, which ironically is the only thing that keeps him alive. He is colder than ever. From an outsider’s perspective it might not seem that he is that affected, but when he’s alone he just sits in silence, sometimes tears run down his face. When he is finally an inch from death at the hands of his brother, he smiles. He doesn’t think he’ll see you again. He doesn’t think he deserves that kind of happiness. People like him don’t deserve that. But at least, he hopes, it might stop hurting.
8. Kakashi – DEAD – He’s been through so much, that he thinks he should be able to cope by now. He knew this was going to happen after all. He waited so long to get mated, because he was scared, because he knew that you would leave him or be taken from him like everyone else. He’s tired. He’s so tired. He’s probably at least nearly 40 at this point, he’s far older than he ever thought he’d be. You taught him what it meant to truly live, not just survive. He can’t go back to how he was, he can’t. He goes to your funeral and stands there in silence. He accepts every condolence and offer of help with a silent nod. He promises his friends that he will go to a specialist therapist first thing in the morning. When everybody leaves, he sits by your grave all night, asking you for forgiveness for everything. For not being quick enough to save you, for pushing you away so much at the beginning of your relationship, and finally, forgiveness for what he’s about to do. He knows you would tell him to fight and survive the heartbreak, but he can’t. He heads back to his apartment for the final time, breathing in the air and taking in the sights. He piles everything he has that smells like you onto his bed and lays down in it. He apologises one final time before closing his eyes, knowing that he won’t be waking up.
9.  Sasuke – DEAD – He should have known his would happen. Everything he loves gets ripped away from him, so why would you be any different? He’s furious when he hears the news. He destroys your house, throwing and smashing everything he can get his hands on. And when he’s destroyed everything, he just sits down in the middle of the living room floor and cries. He knows that people will show up soon. He knows that everyone knows he’s at risk for hurting himself, but he won’t let them take away his choice. He doesn’t want to do it anymore, he just wants to be with you. So he collects himself for a moment and then he runs. He doesn’t pick a place he just runs where he knows no one will think to look. He ends up sitting in between some trees on the floor of a training ground no one uses. He watches the stars for a few minutes, remembering every time he would do that together with you. He talks to you quietly, closing his eyes and convincing himself that you’re laying beside him. In the end, he doesn’t wait to die from his broken heart, he does it himself.
MOST
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hayleygray08 · 3 years
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You are my home.
Introduction: this is my first writing on here. Bare with me.
Summary: you are a new member of the team after tony finds you in a hydra raid. You are shy, reserved, and not very talkative at first until you realize the team is not going to hurt you. Once comfortable you show them your powers and fall for a certain super soldier, again.
I used google translate for words in Russian, so if the words are wrong. I apologize.
In my writing, no one is dead.
Pairing: bucky x reader, everyone else is platonic.
Genre: fluff, anguish, mentions of torture, blood.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am crouched in the conner,on the floor of my cell waiting for the guards to come get me. My daily training. More like torture.
They make me train as hard as I can and if they think I am slaking, I get a few thousand jolts of electricity shot through my body. Or even a few punches.
Yesterday was one of the worst days so far, that I can remember. I was getting random images flash inside my head, almost from a past life from what I saw, which made me loose focus quite a bit. In return the men who watch me train were heavy with the electricity jolts and even harder punches, anywhere they could land on my body. So, I was not looking forward to today's training.
I don't have a clock or windows in my cell but I knew every time they would come to get me. Like my body knew the exact moment every day. So when that time came and I was still in my cell I was growing a little worry. They are never late, sometimes early, but never late. Just then a siren rang out and the lights dimmed then went red. Was that the alarm for an intruder? How is that possible?
As a million thoughts ran through my head at what could possibly cause the alarm to go off. A very vivid picture or memory came to me and played on repeat. It looked to be the 40's, on a dock or a pier, I was laughing and looking out at the water. There were two guys with me. One was small, blonde hair, blue eyes, and had a small smile on his face. The second was bigger then the first, had brown hair, bright blue eyes, and laughing with me. Why do they look familiar? Why do I have two names on the tip of my tongue? Who are they? Just as I was about to say those names my cell door was blown off and there was a cloud of dust.
As the dust settles and I can properly see, there is a man in a red and gold suit of metal. He walks towards me as he says "Cap we got someone here. She looks no older then 24, covered in bruises, and looks terrified.""Yes, I'll make sure to get her out.""No, I can't tell if she is dangerous." He sighs and crouches down so he can look me in the eyes.
"Hi, I am Tony Stark, and I am going to take you away from here." Tony says and offers me a hand. I take it cautiously and follow him out the door and eventually outside.
Once we made it outside I take a deep breath. It felt so good to get clean air. I don't even remember the last time I was outside. Must have been years. I had to shield my eyes, it was so bright out. I didnt notice more people joining us. I was to busy looking at my hands and arms. Was I always this pale? I look up at the guy who took me away, Tony, and then darkness.
Tony catches me before I could hit the floor and runs into the jet. He lays be on a table and Bruce starts an examination. Nobody dared bother him. Nat hands Tony a flash drive and sits back down with the others.
While I was unconscious and now in the medbay at the compound, I was getting more images. Some are to fast to register what it was and some stayed a good while showing me a life I do not remember, but wish I did. Also things I did, hurting people, a chair, and training. It was all to much. To much pain, suffering, lose. I could feel myself have a panic attack. Which alerted everyone.
I jolted up into a sitting position clenching my chest and taking big gasps of air. My heart monitor going off like crazy. I looked around frantically, not recognizing where I was. I tried to rip out the Iv's but a pinching sensation in my shoulder makes me stop. I look up and see a women, before I am unconscious again.
Meanwhile in the common area Tony, Steve, Natasha, Wanda, Sam, Clint, Vision, Bucky, Bruce, Thor, Loki, Scott, and Peter all sat around looking at my file.
"Her name is y/n, y/ln. She was born in 1918, lived in Brooklyn, New York. Was taken by Hydra in 1946 while she was working on a S.H.I.E.L.D mission. Hasn't been seen since. Until about 2001 when she was spotted riding a motorcycle from a crime scene. Looked to be an assassination. Then again in 2003, 2005, 2007, 2012 and the last time in 2014. So the last time was 7 years ago. It shows she was trained like the winter soldier, but never met one another. But her powers got out of control and they have been training her to keep them in control since 2014. She has assassinated 6 men, 4 women, 2 children, and 1 hydra agent in a training gone wrong on that one." Tony reads outloud to everyone.
Steve and Bucky look at each other with a look in their eyes, as if they can't believe it. Then Tony brings up a picture of me for the group to see. Everyone gasps as a few photos show up. One is me, Steve, and Bucky at Coney Island. Then one of me and Bucky smiling at each other. Then there is one of me and Peggy Carter. Once all pictures are shown, all eyes are on Steve and Bucky.
"You know her?" Asked Natasha. Everyone silently asking the same thing.
"Yes, we know her. She was our friend. She grew up with us. She was our best friend. And a little more to Bucky." Steve answers quietly, looking at Bucky. It has been 78 years since he has seen her.
As they tell the others about me and what they remember, I am waking up again at the medbay. This time more calm. The nurses and doctors where asking me questions but I wouldn't answer them. They could tell they were not going to get anywhere with me, they called Tony and Bruce. I still would not talk to them.
How could I trust them? I don't even know them. For all I know they could be Hydra as well. With all these images popping up I don't even know what to believe anymore. Both men were throwing question after question at me. I didnt know how to answer. Or if I even should. Once they realized they were not going to get anywhere they left.
By the time I got the okay from the doctors, I was put inside a cell. Something I am all to familiar with. But this one was clean, had a comfortable bed, running water, and was warm. All the walls were glass and I could see people standing around watching me. Two I kinda recognized due to the images that I get. Each one would ask a question, each time I just stared ahead.
"We want to help you." A women with red and blonde hair spoke up after a few minutes of silence. I laughed.
"You want to help me? You don't even know me. How can you help me?" I responded quietly.
"Wanda has some powers and is able to look inside your head. Put the pieces together for you. Help you remember." The same women responded looking at another women with red hhai. I am guessing is Wanda.
"We read your file, y/n, let us help you remember the things they have taken from you." Tony says as he walks around. I don't respond, just look at everyone.
They gave up after 3 hours of silence from me and them asking questions. They leave me alone until a few days later. For those days they would bring me food, check to see if I am okay, then leave. It was Wanda, Tony, Bruce, and Steve that came a few days later. I watch them as they open the door to my cell and take a seat on a bench.
"If you are okay with this, we would like to try something. It does involve bringing back everything Hydra took from you. It might be painfull. But we think you should have the choice in remembering your life."Tony speaks up after a few minutes of silence.
Do I trust these people to try and help me? Do I even want the help? To remember all the pain I have caused and I life I will never get back.
I look at the four people in front of me and when I looked at the blonde man named Steve a memory came to me. It was just us two in a tent that looked to be on a base of some sort. He was the way he is now bigger then the other one I have seen. As if he grew or got on steroids. He was telling me about someone but it was fuzzy but I had this feeling of sadness.
I take a big breath in and look at them. "What do I have to lose? Not like I am going anywhere anytime soon." I tell them as I look at my hands.
I didnt see Tony nod at the door but did hear it open. I look up to see a young girl, with a different wardrobe then the others. She smiles kindly at me as she sits next to Wanda.
"Hi, my name is Shuri. I am from Wakanda and I can help you remember." I just stare at her.
"How long will this take?" I ask quietly.
"Depends on the damage they have caused for you to forget everything. Could be a few days, weeks, months. If you have trigger words. We will make.."
"Trigger words? What does that mean?" I interrupt her.
"Words that change you into a different person. Like they did witht he winter soldier. When we got the files from the base you were held in, shows you do have some." Tony says to me.
"Oh, so then I guess we should start this thing." I tell them. They did not expect me to say that.
They step out of my cell and start to say 6 words in Russian.
"девять- nine"
"машина-car"
"цветок-flower"
At this word I started to feel a crawling sensation run across my skin. I started to blink rapidly, my vision was getting foggy.
"слива-plum"
"банан-banana"
Now I'm rolling my shoulders, flexing my hands, shaking my head. That crawling sensation is getting thicker, heavier.
"рок-rock"
Once that last word was said I stand up, look at them with a blank expression, and cock my head to the side a little. "готов подчиниться- ready to comply."
They ready the words and I am me again. Well the shell of me that I know. I sit on the bed and take deep breaths. I did not like the feeling of having no control.
They watch me before they leave me alone for a little bit. I don't remember those words but it felt like my body did and it hurt badly.
As i sit and then pace and sit again for I don't know how long, everyone else is in the common area trying to figure out what to do next.
"Her words are different from Bucky's, why?" Same asks as they watch me in my cell.
"They made the words unique for that person. Hers are more girly because she is a girl and what she likes. They make it so only one person gets triggered and not all at once." Bucky says with a frown.
As they continue to talk and see the next step. I am going a little crazy in my cell. I started to throw everything that I could, I tried breaking the walls, the floor. I was screaming, crying, and bleeding. No one knew of my powers because it was not put in any files. So when I fall to my knees and scream everything shuts down and I pass out.
Once the lights were out, they were up and running to my cell. As people in the building were trying to get the power back on.
When they get to me I was laying on the floor and covered in some weird goo. That started right as I hit the floor. Bruce went to check if I was okay and when he tried to check my pulse he got shocked. He steps away and goes to the others.
"This is not in her file, didnt show if she had powers or not. Why would they do that?" Natasha says as the nurses come in hazmat suits.
"Because she is more dangerous then we thought." Steve says sadly.
*********
That is part 1. Possibly a part two.
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Text
Baby Love - Part 10
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A/N - Finally an update!! 💕
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chrisevans I'm so excited to announce that Y/N and I are expecting!! We are both over the moon.... i cannot even put into words how happy i am right now.
Mama and baby are both doing great and Dodger is thrilled that he's about to become a big brother.
#BabygirlEvansComingSoon
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It was a few weeks after the premiere, middle of May, my 5th month in my pregnancy that Chris finally put out the announcement and surprisingly it went well....better than i could ever have imagined. The messages from Chris's fans were amazing! Of course there was still some haters but nothing that was too awful or couldn't be ignored. It was nice that it was out now and i didn't have to worry about someone finding out and leaking it to the press.
Chris was scheduled to start filming 'Defending Jacob' a series for Apple TV mid June through to July. The good thing being it was filming in Massachusetts, 20 minutes from home so he wouldn't have to stay away.
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Chris was finally upstairs getting ready so he could head to set, he had been whining this morning about wanting to stay home with his girls.
I was currently laying on the sofa in a sports bra and shorts, with my now 6 month belly showing while i watched some crappy daytime show.... i had removed Chris's t-shirt when i started getting hot flushes.
"Okay im ready to.....go. Jesus christ why are you half naked right now?" I looked round to see Chris looking me up and down like i was the tastiest thing he'd ever seen. I rolled my eyes looking back at the TV "hot flushes, i sweat through my shirt...i feel like I'm burning alive"
"Such a drama queen" he chuckled
"Excuse you?..... you wanna try going through this??" I snapped, i knew as soon as it was out of my mouth it was uncalled for and instantly felt bad "I'm sorry i didn't mean to snap.... is the damn AC even working?" i said almost feeling like i was gonna cry. Chris came walking over crouching in front of me with a cold cloth and draped it across my forehead.
"That should help a little and i got you some ice..." he passed me a cup of ice chips and i cried.
"Hey! Whats wrong?"
"You're just the best boyfriend ever"
"Awww" he chuckled pressing a kiss to my forehead.
"Don't.... I'm all sweaty and gross"
"I like you all sweaty" he wriggled his eyebrows making me laugh "and you're not gross..... you're beautiful. I nearly had a heart attack seeing you laying here looking like this.... now i really don't wanna leave"
"You have to, stop making excuses"
"I dont want to leave you alone like this..."
"I wont be, Scott's coming over we're gonna go for lunch later"
"Oh.... "
"You're okay with that right?"
"Yeah of course" he smiled before leaning in to give me a kiss.
"Hey! its just me!" Scott yelled from the front door on cue.
"In here!" I yelled reaching my hands out to Chris to help me up into a sitting position.
"Yikes! what is going on with you you're a mess" Scott said looking concerned.
"Thanks! Thats just what i needed to hear Scotty" i scooped out an ice chip and popped it in my mouth.
"Hot flushes" Chris told Scott and he pulled a face.
"I'll be okay in a minute, it'll pass. Though im pretty tempted to go jump in the damn pool right about now"
"Stay outta the pool sweetheart, maybe a lukewarm bath or shower would help?"
"I'll be fine Chris, you need to go or you're gonna be late"
"I don't wanna leave you alone...."
"Err hello? Im here, she's not alone" Scott said coming to sit next to me on the sofa.
"Can you put your shirt back on.....i don't feel comfortable...." Chris started to say while looking me over again.
"Stop! I am not putting that thing back on when i feel like I'm in the pits of hell Evans!" I said pointing at the soaking wet t-shirt on the table " besides Scott's seen me in my bathing suit plenty of times.... I'm wearing more now than i was then! also incase you forgot.... I'm not his type"
"I feel insulted!" Scott gasped before smiling at his brother.
"Just go to work! I will call you if i need anything, we'll be fine".
Chris sighed but nodded, he leant in and gave me a kiss and finally left for set.
"Geez he always like that?"
"No, he's got a little more protective as the pregnancy has gone on but that was new"
"He's probably just worried about you. This is the first time he's had to really leave you since you've been pregnant"
"He'll be back tonight! He needs to chill out. I know i sound like a bitch and i really don't mean to but i literally feel like Satan himself is roasting my body!"
"You want some more ice chips?"
"Yes please".
After another 30/40 minutes i finally felt myself cooling down.
"Oh thank god! I think it passed"
"For now"
"Thanks!" I laughed "I've had a few hot flushes here and there but nothing like that... that was brutal!"
"Well I'm glad it passed, why don't you go take a shower and we'll go get some lunch, it will do you good to get some fresh air, we can even take Dodger"
"Sounds good to me".
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Scott and i grabbed lunch at a small family run cafe that was kinda tucked away, not a lot of people actually knew about it which was the reason we chose this place when we'd have lunch....it also had a small outside seating area where we could sit with Dodger.
Once we were done with lunch we took Dodger for a walk in the park where he found a new friend, they ran around together for a good half an hour.
"Wow he's gonna be beat" Scott laughed as we sat on a bench watching the two dogs running around.
"Good! He has too much energy!"
I chuckled "i'll be wanting to sleep and he brings me his toys wanting to play its exhausting" i said exaggerating, truth was i loved that Dodger always wanted my attention.
"Well he's gonna have to learn to share you when my niece arrives"
"Do you think he'll be okay with the baby?"
"Im sure he will, Dodge is a good boy"
"The best, i just worry. I worry about everything lately though" i laugh rubbing my hand over my belly "you ready to head back?"
"Sure"
I whistle and call for Dodger and he comes running straight over allowing me to attach he's leash.
"Lets go home bubba" i scratched behind his ear before handing the leash to Scott.
We got back to the house and let Dodger out of the car, he ran straight towards the front door and started growling and scratching at the door.
"Hey stop!" Scott said quickly and Dodger turned to look at him before starting again this time barking loudly.
"Whats his problem?"
"I don't know....."
"Maybe Chris is home?"
"His car isn't here....." i opened the door and Dodger ran inside sniffing everywhere.
"Hey Chris you home?" Scott called out but i already knew he wasn't, this didn't feel right.....
"Scott, somethings wrong....."
"What do you mean?" He asked turning to me looking concerned.
"I don't know its just a feeling i have"
Dodger suddenly ran past us and up the stairs, we followed him up to find him sitting outside mine and Chris's bedroom scratching at the door.
"Chris....." Scott called again thinking Dodger just wanted to get to him but no answer, the house was silent.
Scott stepped forward and opened the door and we both gasped at the what we saw. The whole room was trashed.
"Scott..... what if someones still in the house?" I turned to him with wide eyes as panic set it.
"Stay in here with Dodger, I'm gonna check the house..."
"No! Just call the cops, stay in here with us!"
"I'll be fine! They're probably long gone, Dodger would be going crazy if they were still here...but i just wanna make sure".
"Please be careful! I'll call the cops"
"Okay lock the door behind me".
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Everything taglist: @jesseswartzwelder @dumblani @barnesandrogersworld @patzammit @rynabarnesrogers-reading @rainbowkisses31 @rororo06 @supernaturalwintersoldier @fairlightswiftly @hiddelstannerbarnes @bellamy-barnes @buchanansebba
Baby love tags @jennmurawski13 @mybabyboytony @ms-betsy-fangirl @vampgirl1997 @ajosieface @afuckingshituniverse @chmedic @esoltis280
@southerngracela @bethabear12 @letsdisneythings @sellulii @katiew1973 @princess-evans-addict
@deidrahouseofpain @siren-queen03 @shipatheart @little-dark-empress @xxloki81xx @lizzyclifford13-blog @booktease21 @lets--be-honest @thevelvetseries @farfromtommy @mery-be @drakelover78
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guqin-and-flute · 4 years
Note
How have you done this to me AGAIN??? But seriously if we consider JC + Song Lan, then Yet Again our purple angery boy is someone's second choice, and seriously he's used to it by now it hardly stings anymore. BUT! If Xiao Xingchen COMES BACK (and don't tell me he can't this show is all about rebirths and we're well out of canon now) then lil grape gets the added bonus of "Oh good, someone I care for is leaving me Yet Again for their TRUE love." But THEN what if XXC and SL both /stay/?
You dare say this to me when you go and make it a compelling trio?! It’s that damn rarepair juice!! And I would never argue an ending that let Xiao Xingchen be happy. Cue handwaving and necromancy, I dunno, we’d make it work.
I think Xiao Xingchen would need...a breather and a minute to decide what exactly he wanted to do (and it’s nice that Lotus Pier would be a safe place for him to do that). I mean, that man had his entire world view shattered, like, 10 different ways til Sunday and he and Song Lan never got a chance to make things right before they both d i e d. (I think they would also have to reckon with the fact that Xiao Xingchen just...straight up did not want to exist, at the end, there. It would be a. long. time.)
I think SongXiao would need to figure out who they were together (meanwhile, Jiang Cheng is p a n i c k i n g and Song Lan is having a crisis) and they would have to decide if they want to go wandering again. (My personal vote is, yes, after a lot of healing and long nights of communication, they would want to get out there and be helping people again because that’s who they are and what they value). 
HOWEVER. During this ‘finding themselves’ phase, Xiao Xingchen is getting to know Jiang Cheng as well, hearing about everything that happened and how he has been treating Song Lan so well and I think that would endear Jiang Cheng to him right off the bat. And what a perfect lil’ bottle fic where the 3 of them are just having little heart-to-heart healing moments all over Lotus Pier--Jiang Cheng and Song Lan have worked out a sign language system that not only allows Song Lan to communicate more efficiently, but allows them to sneakily talk shit at cultivator meetings down by their sides. Song Lan spelling into Xiao Xingchen’s palm to teach him. Xiao Xingchen practicing with Jiang Cheng who gruffly corrects him with hands that he desperately hopes aren’t sweaty. 
Quiet dinners where they find out what makes each other laugh because god knows they need some of that. (Song Lan is the hardest, Xiao Xingchen is the easiest--though not as easy as it once was). Dealing with nightmares. Aaaall the nightmares. Xiao Xingchen trying to go nighthunting again for the first time with them and having a panic attack the first time Shanghua reacts to a fierce corpse--a real corpse, they tell him, they can make sure. Song Lan flinching whenever anyone touches his head. Jiang Cheng having night terrors about the burning of Lotus Pier, of the Battle at the Nightless City, about things that haven’t happened to Jin Ling but he can’t shake the terror of.
Oo, if you wanted to, you could even go the longer route of them not realizing how much they all mean to each other when they decide to go out as rogue cultivators again. When Song Lan tries to bring it up, Jiang Cheng is prickly and cold because, deep down, he knew this would happen--a better choice would come along, the person he was actually in love with, the actual first choice and how could he compare? He never could before. And so he insists, no, it’s fine. It’s where he’s happiest, right? Out there. With him. Away. So it’s fine. No, actually, I insist, you should go. Go. You need to go. Leave.
And Song Lan is like ‘you know I’m not going forever, right?’ and Jiang Cheng is just ‘[flatly, 40 yard stare] sure, I know, yeah.’ And Song Lan tries to make him understand like, ‘no, I’m not leaving, this is just traveling for nighthunts but we’ll be back’. And Jiang Cheng is just. Not having it. He doesn’t break it off or anything, but for him, it’s pretty clear it’s over and he’s not just jealous of Xiao Xingchen but he’s also really hurt that he’s leaving too and what the fuck is up with that? But Jiang Cheng talks about feelings with NO MAN and so he sees them off at the door, and all the while they’re both like, ‘we’ll see you soon, okay? before the next festival, probably even next month or something’ and Jiang Cheng is just ‘yeah. sure. bye. bye. bye. bye.’
Boy, are they all shocked when they turn up a week later with both Song Lan and Xiao Xingchen going, ‘UMMM  WE HAVE GRAVELY MISCALCULATED A FEW THINGS, HERE’ and Jiang Cheng is coping with the idea that they actually, uh, came back? when they drop the bombshell that Xiao Xingchen also loves him and that’s kind of wild? Because Jiang Cheng kind of realized that about 3 days after they left as well. It was a weird night for all of them and they had started heading home right after. (Home, thinks Jiang Cheng, they said home?? AHHH--)
Hey, bring back A-Qing cause we’re already raising people from the dead and I said so? That’s a whole-ass family you’ve got there.
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naminethewriter · 3 years
Text
Breaking The News
Second Part of the Remus and His Daughter Series     ⬅First | Next➡ 
Here on Ao3
Characters: Patton, Roman, Virgil, Logan
Relationships: platonic LAMP
Rating: T
Words: 2,665
Summary:  After Patton's encounter with Remus, he has to tell his friends about it. It's not as easy as it sounds.
While Patton was searching through his pockets to find his keys, he could already hear Roman inside. Most likely he was practicing his lines for his new show that would premier next month. Roman was the lead (which wasn’t a surprise anymore at this point) and when he’d come home with the news, a huge smile on his lips, Patton had given him a bear hug, baked a cake and called Virgil and Logan over for a celebration (you know, like they did every time). Patton was pretty sure that by now, Roman not only knew his own lines but almost the entire play by heart but he guessed a little extra practice never hurt anyone. Plus he loved watching Roman perform, even if it was just rehearsal.
Finally Patton located his keys, pushed them into the lock and opened the door. After closing it behind him, he hung his keys on their hook on the wall. He slipped out of his shoes and hung up his jacket on the coat rack. (He hadn’t really needed it – it was warm enough – but better be safe than sorry!)
 “I’m home!” Patton called into the now quiet apartment; Roman must’ve heard the door. A moment later, his head appeared in the entrance of their living room.
 “Welcome back, padre! Perfect timing, too. There are a few lines I’d like to run by you if you don’t mind?” Roman asked, giving him a puppy look he knew Patton couldn’t refuse. Not that he wanted to. Actually he was glad to be given an excuse to postpone the discussion about his earlier encounter with Remus until later.
 “Sure, kiddo! Just let me slip into something more comfortable and grab a snack,” Patton said cheerfully.
 “Great!” Roman disappeared back into the living room while Patton went to his own room.
 A few minutes later, Patton entered their living room, now dressed in a loose sweater and long skirt with a plate of apple slices (the healthy snack) and cookies (the tasty snack). Roman was pacing up and down, staring at his script and muttering under his breath. With a fond smile, Patton sat down on their couch.
 “Alright, Super Star! Lay it on me!” Roman grinned at him and handed him the script.
 “Wonderful! So in this scene…” Roman began to enthusiastically explain the context of the lines he wanted to work through, occasionally drifting off into sub-plots or character analysis, making his explanation longer than it needed to be. But Patton didn’t mind. He listened with rapt attention, asked a few questions here and there and slowly ate his snacks. After around 40 minutes, Roman put his pen down after writing the last few notes, looked them over and gave a satisfied nod.
 “Thank you so much, padre. I feel much better about this part now!”
 “You’re welcome,” Patton said with a smile on his lips. “Glad I could be of help!”
 “You always are!” Roman pulled Patton into a hug that he gladly reciprocated. “But I think it is time we prepare for game night. Logan and Virgil are gonna come down in less than an hour!” Patton glanced at the clock and saw that he was right. Roman had let go of him and started to clean up a bit. Patton joined him, fixing the couch while worrying his bottom lip. Should he tell Roman now? Having to repeat himself would be inconvenient but he couldn’t tell how Roman would react to knowing Remus was back. Sure they fought last time they’d seen each other but they were still brothers, right? Roman still cared for Remus, didn’t he?
 Patton had gotten so lost in his thoughts that he hadn’t realised that he had stopped smoothing out the couch pillows until Roman called out to him.
 “Patton? Are you alright?” He hovered a few steps away, unsure if he was allowed to touch, worry etched on his face. Patton blinked at him, surprised. He tried to smile reassuringly but he could see Roman’s brows furrowing, so he probably failed.
 “I’m fine, it’s just…” He trailed off, fiddling with the pillow in his hands. Most likely Roman would get mad on instinct, like always when Remus was mentioned. So it would probably be for the best to give him some time to cool down before the others arrived and then he could give a more detailed explanation. He looked to Roman who was patiently waiting for him to continue. Patton took a deep breath.
 “I saw Remus today.” Cautiously, he observed his roommate’s reaction. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Roman was frozen, his worry for Patton still on his face. Then, as if time needed to catch up, many other emotions flickered through his eyes, only a handful of which Patton could catch. There was anger, of course, totally expected but also confusion, sorrow (maybe?) and even a slight sliver of hope. Or maybe that was Patton’s wishful thinking. Finally he settled on, what Patton could best describe as, displeasure.
 “Where?”
 “The mall, on my way back. We didn’t speak though.” Roman gave a sharp nod.
 “I see. Probably for the best. Doubt he’d have anything nice to say anyway,” he practically spit out. Patton wanted to disagree but Roman continued before he could.
 “I’m gonna go change now.” He left, leaving no room for protest. Not that Patton had wanted to. Roman needed time to process, he got that. It had been the right decision, to tell him first. Patton put the pillow down, gave the room a once-over and, deeming it presentable, moved to the kitchen to prepare a simple dinner for the four of them.
   By the time Logan and Virgil arrived, Roman still hadn’t come out of his room. The food was nearly ready when Patton let their two friends in, giving both of them a hug before hurrying back into the kitchen. The other two followed after him. Logan moved to help set the table while Virgil remained by the door, looking around.
 “Where’s Princey?”
 “In his room. He wanted to change.” Virgil nodded, relaxing a bit. Normally Roman would have greeted them at the door as well and the deviation from their routine had caused his anxiety to spike. But hearing Patton’s reassurance eased it again. The three of them together finished preparing dinner and once they were nearly done, Patton asked Virgil to get Roman. He left with a grumble. Logan and Patton finished up and sat down in silence which made it easy to hear the exchange down the hall.
 “Yo, Prince Fancypants” A knock (or maybe a kick, hopefully not) echoed. “Dinner’s ready, you ‘coming?” A muffled response, barely audible from the table before a door opened.
 “Greetings, Emo-Nemo, how nice to have you almost break my door down!” Roman sounded alright, in Patton’s opinion, maybe he wasn’t as worked up as he had feared.
 “Emo-Nemo? Seriously? Also I only kicked your door once, if it broke from that it’s just as weak as that nickname.” They continued their banter on the way back to the table where Roman greeted Logan with his usual gusto but Patton noticed he was avoiding looking at him. It stung a bit, but Patton understood. Remus was a sore subject for all of them and he did bring it up out of nowhere. So he kept on smiling and they fell into pleasant conversation over dinner. Toward the end however, Patton grew quiet, trying to plan out what he was going to say, even if that was never his strong suit. Logan noticed.
 “Are you alright, Patton?” he asked. “You seemed somewhat distracted since we have arrived.” Suddenly everyone’s eyes were on him. Being the centre of attention was another thing that Patton couldn’t count toward his strengths but at one point this evening it would have been necessary anyway. Better now when it seemed like everyone had finished eating. Patton took a deep breath.
 “Well…” He paused, all his preparation flying out of the window when he couldn’t find the right words. “There is something I need to tell you.” He spoke slowly, carefully. Logan raised an eyebrow but didn’t interrupt. “Something happened on my way home and…” He didn’t get any further because Virgil suddenly sat up straight, eyes wide which startled him into silence.
 “Shit, Pat, did someone attack you? I should’ve gone with you, I had a bad feeling through our shift, but I didn’t think…” Logan placed a hand on his shoulder, effectively stopping his rant, his breathing now a bit rapid.
 “Deep breaths, Virgil. I am sure if Patton had sustained any form of physical or emotional trauma we would have been informed earlier.” Virgil nodded, the movement still a bit too sharp but he followed Logan’s breathing to calm back down.
 “Yeah, kiddo, I promise it’s nothing bad, it’s just –“ Patton stole a glance at Roman, who had his gaze fixed away from all of them, mouth set in a hard line. “– complicated.” Logan’s eyes flickered between the two of them, apparently picking up on the tension but choosing not to comment.
 “Alright…” Virgil said, sounding not completely convinced but at least he was breathing evenly again. Patton cleared his throat and shifted in his seat. ‘Just rip the bandage off, come on,’ he thought to himself before taking a deep breath.
 “I walked back from work through the mall again today,” he began, “to window shop, y’know, maybe visit the shelter, like I do sometimes.” He swallowed, staring at his dirty plate to avoid eye contact, his hands fiddling with a crease on his skirt. “And I ran into Remus, well not literally, I just saw him from across the hall and we didn’t even speak, but…”
 “Hold on!” Virgil interrupted again, but not in panic this time. “You mean Remus as in –“ He pointed at Roman. “– his twin brother, Remus?”
 “Yeah.”
“What? How? When? Why?!?” Virgil sputtered loudly.
 “Erm…” Patton was confused by the barrage of questions.
 “None of those questions are relevant right now, Virgil, especially since he has already told us when and how and cannot answer why. It seems to have been a complete coincidence, am I correct, Patton?”
 “Oh, um, yeah. He seemed to be as surprised to see me as I him at least.”
 “So he did see you? You said you did not speak to him, I assumed he didn’t notice you,” Logan said and adjusted his glasses.
 “No, he did see me, he was just otherwise occupied.”
 “What is that supposed to mean?” Virgil asked, exasperated. Roman scoffed.
 “He was probably flirting with some poor fellow; you know how he is.”
 “Actually, it was pretty much the opposite…”
 “Someone was flirting with him..?” asked Virgil, now unsure.
 “No, no flirting whatsoever. He was there with a kid.”
 “What he’s hanging out with teenagers now?” Roman rolled his eyes. “Not that surprising, honestly, he was always immature.”
 “Could you two please just let Patton finish his explanation?” Logan cut in, his tone sharp. Virgil looked a bit sheepish and Roman scoffed again, avoiding eye contact once more but neither said anything else. Logan motioned for Patton to continue.
 “When I first noticed him, he was standing alone further down the hall and on the other side, staring at something I couldn’t see. I was so caught off guard that I ended up staring.” Patton once again started nervously fiddling with his skirt. “Suddenly he crouched down and this little girl, maybe ten years old, came up to him with ice cream. He picks her up, sees me and we awkwardly wave at each other before the two of them disappear into the crowd.” He helplessly shrugs at the end of his explanation and waits for the others to react.
 For several moments there was silence.
 “Great!” Roman suddenly said loudly, throwing his arms up dramatically. “My brother’s a kidnapper now, just wonderful.” Logan raised an eyebrow.
 “You believe he kidnapped her? For what reason would he do that?”
 “How should I know? I haven’t known what goes on in his head since we were nine! But as if there are any children who would spend time with Remus willingly.” Patton opened his mouth to protest but Virgil spoke first.
 “Do you think she’s the only one or are there more?”
 “Could be! I wouldn’t put it past him. He gets obsessed with the weirdest stuff.”
 “His ‘obsessions’, as you call them, were always academical in nature, he never would inflict any harm on others, intentionally. If he needed a test subject, he would always use himself before anyone else,” Logan protested.
 “And how do you know that, Mr. Research Assistant? I’ve known him my entire life and even I don’t know the boundaries of his insanity! He might not even have any!”
 “You are being ridiculous, Roman. Just because you don not like him, you cannot just assume that he would harm children for some sort of thrill or –“
 “Maybe we should call the police.”
 “See, Virgil’s on my side.”
 “I mean, just as a precaution, he might be dangerous.”
 “You are working off assumptions from five years ago, you cannot –“
 “Oh shut it, Specs, the police can at least make sure he’s not harming anyone –“
 “Nobody’s calling the police!” Patton’s sudden volume cut them all off. He had stood up and was now glaring at them. His eyes softened at their shocked expressions. He took a deep breath and continued calmly.
 “Look, I know Remus did some bad stuff, I won’t defend him on that, but Logan’s right: he never hurt anybody on purpose, at least not physically. And when we dated, neither of us were in a good place and yes, he hurt me badly but that was five years ago. We all changed, so could he, for better or worse. From what I could tell that girl seemed really comfortable with him. Plus Roman, didn’t you say Remus was good with kids when your cousins were visiting one Thanksgiving?” Roman mumbled something under his breath but didn’t argue.
 “We also have no viable information to give the police,” Logan spoke up. ”We have no address, he might have changed his name and none of us have spoken to him in five years. Filing a report would be ludicrous.” He stood up. “Now I believe we should all take a few minutes to calm down before proceeding with the games. If you would excuse me.” He moved to leave the kitchen while simultaneously pulling out his phone.
 “What are you doing?” Virgil asked, eyeing his phone. Logan glanced at him, barely slowing down.
 “I am going to call Janus. Considering that Remus used to be his best friend, I am sure he would be grateful to know that he is indeed still alive.” With that he disappeared down the hall. Silence enveloped the kitchen once again and Patton sat back down. A door opened and closed somewhere in the apartment. Virgil and Roman both pointedly avoided eye contact. After a few moments, Patton sighed.
 “Look, I know you two had your problems with Remus, so did I. And I’m honestly not sure how to feel about this either but regardless of all that, I’m glad to know he’s ok. He’s still a friend and your brother, Roman. Who knows, we might not see him again for another five years. See the positives?” He glanced between the two, waiting for their responses. Virgil just gave a slight nod and Roman pouted, though he did look at least a little bit guilty. Patton gave them a small smile.
 “Alright, kiddos. I’m gonna go set up the living room. You come over once you’re ready, ok?” Two hums were his answer which he could understand as agreements. Satisfied he moved towards the living room but paused in the kitchen doorway.
  “Oh, and if you could clean up the table, that would be great!” Roman and Virgil groaned in unison.
30 notes · View notes
kortsitron · 4 years
Text
I'll Be There, Doll
Pairing: 40's! Bucky Barnes × 40's! Male! Reader
AU: None
Warnings: homophobia, reader being beaten up, hospital, problems with sleep and eating
Summary: Your boyfriend is doing his best to help you with trauma after one, unfortunate evening.
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It was Monday evening when everything happened. You were on your way home when some two guys pushed you into a dark alley and begun to punch and kick you while yelling a lot of hurting things. It didn't took much for you to pass out. You woke up a few hours later in the hospital.
The first thing that you noticed was the fact that sun was about to rise. Then you noticed your arm. It was in plaster, so it meant it was broken. You only signed at it.
You started thinking about the things these men called you. You quickly connected the dots in your head. They hurt for being gay.
You weren't afraid of the fact that they could kill for that, no. You were afraid about your boyfriend, James Buchanan Barnes, known also as Sergeant Barnes. You never wanted him to lose everything he worked for. You wouldn't be able to forgive yourself if anything like that would happen. You felt yourself start to have some kind of panic attack when thinking about it, but you decided to ignore it. Everything will be fine, right?
After around 30 minutes, Bucky finally found your room. He stormed in and when he saw you, he felt like his heart stopped for a second. He closed the door and walked to the bed to lovingly touch your face. "Doll..." It was the thing he was able to say when your eyes locked with his. Your black eye, broken arm and a few bandages on your head, making him feel like he is going to fall apart.
"Hey Buck." You greeted him with a weak smile that made him melt inside. Bucky took a chair and sat the next to the bed.
"Who did this to you?" He asked quietly as he took your hand, trying to give you some support. You were silent. "Please, (Y/N). Don't kill me with that silence." His thumb gently brushed your fingers.
"I don't remember who these guys was, it was too dark for me to see, I'm sorry."
"Don't be sorry, it's not your fault." He shook his head, faking smile just to make you feel like everything was fine. "Do you remember anything, love?" His smile quickly faded away.
"They called me 'things' and I guess they might know that I'm gay." You nervously played with your fingers and looked away. "I don't think we're safe anymore."
"Until I'm here, I will make sure that you will be safe." He said it so confidently, that you couldn't help the giggles. He cupped your cheek and made you look at him. "You know that you're safe with me, right?"
"I know, but you're not safe." Bucky raised an eyebrow in confusion. "If society will find out that you're gay, you're going to lose everything. I can't let that happen, James." He knew that you were serious. You always used his name when you were serious.
He couldn't think of anything other than kissing your forehead to calm your nerves down. "Don't think about it now." He murmured into your forehead, which caused you to chuckle. "There is my boy." He pulled away and cupped your cheeks.
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Two days later, you finally were able to go to your house. Before that one very important happened. Men from Monday came to the hospital to end what they started. Luckily Bucky was there with you. One of the nurses called the cops so you finally were able to feel safe.
When you where in your house, some things changed. Your sleeping routine got worse. You got problems with sleeping before, but now you were afraid that if you will fall asleep, someone will come and hurt you. You started eating less food that usual. You simply felt miserable. Bucky and Steve noticed that, but didn't wanted to mention that yet.
Boys accompany you to your house, because you asked them to. They understood your fears and they had no problem with it. When you were about the enter the house, without hesitation you called Bucky's name. "Yes, doll?" He turned to you, waiting patiently for the thing you wanted to told him.
"Will you come over later for the night?" You asked while tapping with your fingers at the wooden door.
"No problem. Will come at 7, is that fine?" He answered it with enthusiasm, he didn't sleep at your house a lot lately and he was happy about spending some time with you.
"Yeah, thanks. See ya." You waved to Buck's and Steve's direction before entering your house and closing the door behind you. You sighed happily thinking about that you will not be afraid to sleep or do anything else alone.
"You're going talk with him about eating and stuff like that, right?" Steve asked worried about your health as he was walking with Bucky.
"Of course. What kind of boyfriend I would be if I wouldn't do that." He shook his head. He knew that conversation about that topic might not be easy.
"Good, I hope he will be fine." Steve wasn't trying to hide how upset his was.
"Oh come on. He will be, I'll take care of him." Bucku patted Steve's back, giving him comfort. "It might take some time, but (Y/N) will be alright."
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"Glad that you came." You cheered as Bucky went to your house. He had a bag with him. "Why did you brought a bag?" You raised an eyebrow, clearly being interested what's inside.
"Some clothes. I know that you like my uniform," He winked at you as both of you went to the living room. "but wearing something more comfortable will be just fine for night like that." He added as he begun to take out clothes from the bag. "You want to the change here or--"
"Go to the bathroom, Buck." You laughed as he went to the kitchen. "Is spaghetti okay with you?"
"Of course, because you made it." A few minutes went and Bucky was in the kitchen. You were waiting for him, sitting next to the table with the spaghetti that you made earlier. Bucky noticed that you didn't got you're as much food as he got. He decided to stay silent about it, you looked so happy and he didn't wanted you to look upset. "Smells delicious." He complemented as he sat down and begun to eat.
"Thanks. It was a little bit harder to do it with this arm, but I did it." Bucky smirked at your enthusiasm. He didn't said anything, but he was proud of you. And you knew that, his smirk told you.
You had a small conversation during dinner. Then you decided to watch something. You ended in the bedroom cuddling and listening to the rain that started almost a hour ago. You were laying on him.
"(Y/N)," Bucky begun as he played with your hair. You made a simple "hmm" sound as the answer. "What's with you and eating?" You tensed up when he mentioned it. He felt it. "You are eating less than usually did. What is doing on doll?"
You refused to move in anyway, to avoid looking into his blue eyes. "Nothing, I'm eating like I always did." You felt Bucky shift after your answer.
"Don't lie to me. I know you for too long." He purred out a little bit annoyed. "Is this because of that situation?" He looked at you. You weren't able to find enough confidence to look into his eyes.
"I'm alright. Don't worry about me." You whispered, knowing that it's a lie. You weren't okay at all. "Please, I don't want to talk about it." Your voice broke. Bucky knew what it meant. You were about to cry. That topic was sensitive for you.
"(Y/N), it's okay." He said as he kissed your head. "I'm worried about you. I need you to be fine again." You pressed your face into Bucky's chest to calm down. "Shh... Little boy. I think you should go to sleep." You shook your head.
"No, I don't need sleep." You choke out as you looked at him. You had a dark circles under your eyes. You haven't sleep without waking up and stress for a week now. "It's only 10 PM, I don't--"
"You are afraid, aren't you?" He asked quietly. He knew the answer, but he wanted to hear you saying that. He couldn't wait for you saying what is going on. He knew you won't say anything with a small push. "You are afraid that someone is going to hurt you while you're sleeping? Is that why you wanted me stay?" You only brought yourself to nod. "Why haven't you told me about it?"
"It's embarrassing."
"It's not, doll. You need sleep. I don't have to go anywhere tomorrow so I can stay awake if you want that." Bucky sat up, so he could take a better look at you. "Go change and I--"
"You need sleep too." You protested as quickly as you got from bed. "If you really want me to sleep, just stay close to me." Bucky smiled and nodded. You got yourself a pyjama and changed in bathroom, Bucky did the same things after you.
You were laying in the bed, your head was on his chest while the arm that was in plastron, was on his stomach. Buck's hand was gently brushing your back to make you feel safe. You fall asleep quickly, because of the fact that Bucky was with and you were extremely tired and you needed sleep more than anything in the moment.
Night was pretty for both of you. You finally slept well and Bucky was happy about that fact. Of course, you were moving a little while speeding, which was making Bucky a little awake, but it wasn't a big problem for him.
You woke up a hours later than Bucky did. When you woke up, you immediately started looking for him around the room. "Bucky?!" You called afraid that something happened to him.
"I'm in the kitchen!" He answered after he heard your terrified voice. "Good that you woke up! Breakfast is almost ready!" He yelled in cheerful tone. You sighed as you got of bed. He was fine and you could stop panicking for a second. You went to the kitchen to see Bucky making pancakes wearing only boxers. You couldn't help the chuckle, you had a perfect view for such a great looking ass.
"I know, I know. I have nice ass, no need to tell me." He smirked.
"Then no complements for ya." You joked as you sat down, waiting for food.
"How do you feel?" Bucky turned to look at you. You seemed to be happy, more than any other day from the time you got back from hospital.
"Good, how's the story with you?"
"It's fine." He answered. "You remember that I have a day off, do you?" You nodded. "Great, because my today's plan is spend my entire day with you."
123 notes · View notes
reiven2017 · 3 years
Text
Delicate steel.
Chapter 5
The knuckles on Damian's hands turned white as he gripped the steering wheel with force and the artificial leather under his palms creaked pitifully.
He sat in his car for 40 minutes and could not and did not want to think, his body did not obey commands while only her smell was in his head. The smell of his steam.
He used to think that the torment was not knowing if his true mate existed in the world, but now, when he knew that she was there and lived somewhere nearby, Damian was going crazy and realized that he was ready to burn in Hell just to see her. To feel her scent again, dispersing the blood in his veins. The smell, with the help of which he felt alivefor the first time in all 17 years.
At first, having felt a strange smell and an inexplicable reaction of his wolf, Damian did not know what to think, believing that this was just an idiotic joke of his brain. He had been so used to loneliness for many years and already seemed to have reconciled himself to his fate and experienced panic, realizing that the wolf was glad to smell a couple. To tell the truth, Wayne didn't know why he was afraid, this was all new to him and he had no idea what to do with it.
Wayne didn't know what this new feeling was when he caught himself thinking that he was angry after learning that Grayson met his couple first.
The guy gripped the steering wheel with a new force, anger and something else burned his body from the inside, when he thought about Richard's hands touching his mate, his eyes saw his mate, he spoke to his mate and heard her voice, and Damian was forced to be content and rave only with a barely perceptible smell.
He was ready to personally interrogate Grayson, as long as it took and even more until he compiled a complete list of all the people he had met this week. Time, place, description of a person all this, he is ready to knock it out of him by force if it becomes necessary.
The very next day it became clear who she was. More precisely, almost nothing has become clear now. Dick, exhausted and tired from the endless questions of the evil Alpha, suddenly dug out a strange incident on the road from the depths of his consciousness. He did not remember anything important and valuable, except that the girl had strange, bright hair and he helped her with a panic attack. He didn't know the face or the name, and he didn't remember it.
The information about her attack caused Damian's parents to worry, but he dryly ignored them, turning only one thought in his head about hair. The next day, his people were already scouring the city and the search continued until now and Damian did not know a week or less had passed since that moment, but his patience was dangerously exhausted and the guy did not know how much longer he would hold out in ignorance of where his mate was.
Rumors that the heir of the Wayne family finally had a couple scattered like a flock of birds, and after the rumor reached the neighboring flocks. Damian was congratulated by other wolves, asking about how soon he would bring his mate to the pack, and he just waved away their questions, asking himself the same question.
His family called him crazy. He saw only her, his wolf felt only a couple, and this sometimes became dangerous.
Occasionally, at night, the guy woke up from the fact that he felt someone else's emotions. It happened insanely rarely and felt intangible and so far away that Damian began to feel that he was really slowly going crazy. Sometimes he stopped understanding what he was feeling, and for someone in whose veins Alpha blood flows, it was disastrous. Wayne was still a fucking Alpha and the concern for his mate was becoming very problematic for his affairs.
All this made him restless, anxious, nervous, and he hated it.
Now the guy was standing on the side of the road, the engine of his car was not turned off, and his phone was bursting with calls and messages. His cell phone screamed again, pulling him out of the bottomless world of emotions, reminding him of what Damian was doing and was going to do, as his thoughts went to the damn ass as soon as he felt the echoes of other people's emotions again.
This time, it was something remotely similar to fear and it made his wolf howl in despair that he was not there at that moment to protect her. Damian tried not to think about anything bad. Just the thought that something irreparable had happened to his mate and the guy couldn't restrain himself from growling.
Wayne blinked stupidly, trying to normalize his vision, looking at the windshield of the car, but his gaze disappeared somewhere in the distance. He followed the drop of water running down the glass with his eyes and shuddered sharply, returning to reality. Damian took a deep breath, trying to start reacting again and grabbed the phone with an uncoordinated movement. He saw a couple of missed ones from his father and Grayson, and his brain finally began to convulsively return to reality, trying to start working again. He was driving to the pack council when the guy was overtaken by the emotions of his mate and unable to cope with it, Damian was forced to pull over to the side of the road.
They even washed about his mate, made him weak and Damian became disgusted with himself and his pity. He was fucking Wayne, a fifth-generation Alpha, and he shouldn't have been sitting around melting like a stupid boy dreaming of a girl.
The thought made him frown. He sent a quick message to his father that he would be there soon and threw the phone on the back seat, rubbing his face. Damian was no longer going to be driven by emotions and behave like a madman in love. He doesn't even know who she is, and already breathes unevenly at the thought of her. It was insanely stupid for Damian.
The guy growled angrily and pressed the gas pedal harder than necessary. He still has a question about the pack council, and if Damian doesn't show up there during this time, his family will raise the issue of his execution.
                                                           ======
At the same time, on the other side of the city, Raven was once again asking how she had allowed herself to be persuaded to do this, standing in front of an abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the city and frowning listening to the muffled music coming from the half-broken windows.
These five hours in her life were the most intense in her entire history and Rachel was afraid to think what would happen next. She barely fought off Rogers with a wardrobe of indecently short dresses and won her right to stay in shorts with a T-shirt and a jacket. Roth wondered where Amy had gotten these dresses and if Mrs. Rogers knew about their existence. After slipping through the window in her room, she and Amy found themselves on the street, where, according to her, a taxi was waiting for them. The car was really standing a few houses away from Rach and she allowed herself to be seated in a rather muddy-looking car, clutching a knife in her pocket all the way, and then she was happy to stay in the car after seeing the place where the party was taking place.
Rachel had never been to a party before and was not eager. She had a list of what was bad and what was good, and the parties just related to the terribly bad. She knew that this was bad, partly because it was at one of the parties at the age of 16 that her mother met Rachel's father, Traygon, and became pregnant. She also did not like a large crowd of people who were under the influence of alcohol and carnal desires and she herself had never had a love for this kind of event and she had a hundred and one reasons why it was just a terrible idea.
But she was still standing there, giving her hoodie to Amelia, who was shivering in her dress.
-" How would you like to go home and forget the way here? " Rachel drawled warily as she dodged a drunken crowd of teenagers.
She looked at Amy, who was trying to force a smile, but her eyes were just as uninspired looking at the gloomy building in front of her.
Rogers tangled herself more tightly in Raven's sweater, casting a brief glance at her, trying to distract herself from the darkening facade of the building and the growing sense of fear. It was the first time she was so far from home, and if it hadn't been for Raven, who agreed to go with her, Amelia would never have decided to do this.
- "I didn't know you had so many tattoos. " Rachel smiled dryly.
"More than twenty...I think. I've never counted them.
"Do they all mean something to you?" Rachel frowned, thinking about the answer to the question. She didn't want to lie to Amelia, and lying was never her strong point, but it would be better for both of them if they were just stupid drawings without meaning and without what was hidden under them.
- "no. Just pictures." she smiled.
- "Cool. Amy's distant reply sounded." The girl nodded in the direction of the warehouse. -" I think so...should we come in? Michael...he should have been there a long time ago." -" I prefer to stay here. "Rachel caught the girl's reproachful look and just shrugged.
But Amelia Rogers wasn't the one who hesitated for a long time.
"Raven?" Amy said, glancing at the building, and Raven's name sounded questioningly on her lips. Roth looked at Amy for a few seconds, her thoughts were still against this whole terrible idea for the sake of one stupid boy, but she perfectly saw the love in the girl's eyes just at the mention of his name and smiled encouragingly at her, gently squeezed Amelia's hand.
Even if Raven had a certain fear of the party, strangers and the unknown, now...and even before that, she will not be able to say no when her hand is squeezed as the only support.
And Rachel Roth was the one who thought about others, much more than about herself.
Amelia nodded, a smile bloomed on her lips, and after returning the hoodie to Raven, she proudly walked to the warehouse, blowing a kiss to her friend. Rachel only quietly grinned after her, catching up with the girl and not noticing how wild, red-flushed eyes looked at her from the shadow of the forest surrounding the warehouse, and the toothy mouth stretched out in a cold snarl.
                                                    ======
From the first moment they entered the warehouse, the thundering music deafened Rachel and she hovered in space for a second, trying to orient herself. There were neon signs everywhere, music and smoke, and Raven counted about ten couples kissing as she and Amy walked down the corridor and shyly covered her eyes with her hand, at the sight of not just kissing couples. Rogers snickered maliciously at Rachel
's reaction.
- "Shut up." Raven grumbled, still half covering her eyes with her hand.
She learned early what sex is because her mother saw fit to tell her about it at an early age and Rachel sometimes hated her for it.
Raven didn't know if it was related to Angela's pregnancy or if it was just her parenting method, but she remembered closing her ears to her mother's words, blushing in every possible way. Even now, having already a driver's license and a mental disorder, Rachel never considered herself old enough and ready for this, without ceasing to be embarrassed and it was quite stupid in her opinion, but she couldn't do anything about it.
She grimaced, feeling annoyed when some left-handed dude blew cigarette smoke in her face, continuing to follow Amelia down the corridor. She didn't know if the girl had been here before, but of the two of them, Rachel thought that Rogers knew what she was doing, so she just followed her.
The music grew louder and minutes later a massive door appeared at the end of the corridor, and behind it a huge room. The sharp smell of alcohol and something sweet hit Rachel's nose, sharpening her senses and she had to admit that the club looked much better inside than outside. It was a large, spacious room, in the center of which was an improvised dance floor, a DJ booth and hundreds of people, covered with music and alcohol. At the end there was an iron staircase and Rachel followed it with her eyes, paying attention to the fact that there was something like a second floor on top, where the party guests were. To her right was a large neon-lit bar, to which Amy dragged her through the crowd, grabbing Rachel by the arm.
She barely caught Amelia's words to the bartender over the loud music, but the next minute Raven was staring in disbelief at the machine in her hand, in which an amber liquid was splashing.
- "Is it necessary? "- she said and felt Amy roll her eyes almost to the ceiling, standing with the same glass and smiling provocatively.
-" Yes, especially for a boring ass like you. "Raven looked doubtfully at the glass again, completely sure that it was something alcoholic. Probably not once in her life had she stood and breathed so close to alcohol and did not even expect to drink when she agreed to a party, but the amber liquid in her hand aroused her curiosity. Rachel had no idea what the hell was in her glass and it did not cause confidence, although she trusted Amy, but her cheeky side of character began to take up and Rachel tried to sniff the drink, catching the mocking look of the bartender. It made her pride growl.
- "How about something else and non-alcoholic?"
"Oh, my God, Rachel, just drink this!" Amelia shouted, trying to shout over the loud music and drained her glass in one gulp. Raven stepped back, and after a few seconds she couldn't breathe as her throat burned and her lungs filled with fire as she tried to breathe. It was bitter, sharp and hot, but Rachel hummed to herself when the first sensations subsided and a pleasant sweet taste was felt on the tongue. It was a sharp contrast and it seemed to stop the time inside her and Raven caught herself that she liked it. The corners of her lips lifted in a satisfied grin and she defiantly licked her lips, collecting the remains of the drink, seeing how the young man behind the counter nervously swallowed.
Sometimes Rachel did it before she thought about it, but alcohol inspired her with confidence that previously she would not have had enough for this. Amelia watched this scene with the pleasure of a mother for her child.
- "Why didn't you tell me earlier about the magical effect of alcohol on you? I would put it in your lunch every day." - she drawled mockingly, replacing their drinks. Raven shrugged, twirling the glass in her hands and drank without hesitation. She felt her brain beep a warning signal to her, but ignored it and heard Rachel call sharply. She barely managed to leave the glass on the counter before Ro was dragged back into the crowd.
- "Let's go dance."
- "What about your adventures with Michael? " Raven finally remembered their main goal.
"That's why we're going to dance, Rachel...I saw him near that column." Amy whispered conspiratorially in her ear and led them to the one Raven Colon understood. They squeezed in between the flow of people, slowly dancing to the music Rachel tried to concentrate, the alcohol hit her well in the head, but she continued to wander with her eyes in the direction where Amy was nodding. Then she saw him, a dark brown-haired man with gray eyes, vaguely known to her from her friend's love stories as Michael. He seemed to be playing football...or not, and that didn't interest Raven much.
"What are you going to do?" Rachel asked.
-" Push us off. Amelia's immediate response came, and Raven's eyebrows shot up in surprise when it sounded like a well-thought-out plan from Rogers ' mouth.
- And?
-" Now we will pass by him and you will accidentally  stumble and push me into him. " Amelia dictated, and shot Rachel a furious look. "Don't you dare miss."
- "And he will save you from meeting the asphalt like a prince?"
- "Exactly."
- Okay. - if it hadn't been for the two glasses she had drunk, Raven would never have agreed to such an adventure, but now she found it somewhat funny.
"If you do it right, I'll get you some more of those cocktails." Amy smiled cheerfully.
"Oh, this is definitely getting interesting."
                                                           ======
Raven leaned against the bar, irritably trying to wipe off her beer shorts. Some drunk idiot decided to flirt with her without being able to connect even two letters and stumbled, overturning the contents of the glass on the girl. Her head gradually began to spin, and her vision became blurry and indistinct, and she felt her body relax and get drunk, making her pliable and sluggish, and Rachel suddenly frowned.
Oh, yes, Rachel Roth, keep digging your own grave.
Rachel grimaced irritably, rubbing her face and returning the remnants of her mind, she was determined to get out of here before it was finally too late. She would have done it much earlier if it hadn't been for Amy, who, as expected, fell into the arms of her prince and flew away from Raven on the wings of love, forcing Roth to hang out near the bar, ignoring her anger at her friend.
She was angry at Rogers for just leaving her, but at the same time she was worried about her. Amy hadn't been in her field of vision for a long time, and Raven tensed her eyebrows on the bridge of her nose. Theoretically, Amy was with Michael, which means no one else could threaten her, but Rachel was the one who knew what girls in love could do and it covered her with a wave of nervousness. Maybe she was exaggerating, or maybe it was the effect of alcohol on the brain, but panic slowly rolled up to her throat and Raven rushed into a bunch of dancing people with a clear goal to get her friend away from here.
She didn't know how much time had passed, but a sharp sense of danger and panic didn't stop leaving Raven and she wasn't sure if it was just because of Amy.
Rachel suddenly found herself barely breathing as she scoured the building in search of a friend and her gaze involuntarily stopped on the man.
He was there, standing in the darkest corner of the opposite wall and his eyes were incredibly glowing when the man looked directly at Raven and she felt a herd of goosebumps run through her skin as soon as she could recognize in his dangerous and cruel smile, the local leader of the football players and her nedo-rapist Jonathan Wild.
He was looking at Rachel and only at her, and when he caught her eye, he grinned caustically. Raven swallowed hard.
Fuck.
The fear for her friend faded into the background. Now Raven was beginning to fear for herself. She didn't know what Wilde was capable of, but the fact that he was right here and right now, watching Rachel with fierce eyes made her doubt that it was an accident and her body froze with fear and Raven didn't know that it was possible to sober up so quickly.
She watched as Wilde moved in her direction, waving away everyone who got in his way, and this pushed Rachel to take a few frightened steps back. She needs to run. Right now. Her eyes carefully and warily slid around the room and Raven clung to the green sign "exit" under the stairs, and without wasting a minute rushed there. She felt like vomiting was rising in her throat from sudden movements and convulsive brain work, but she continued to confidently make her way to the exit through the crowd of people.
Grabbing the door handle, she forcefully pulled the iron door, literally falling out of the building, covering her mouth with her hand and leaning over the cold iron railing, spat the bitter taste of alcohol on the asphalt. Her head was buzzing, her hands were crumpled, and the fabric of her black shorts was soaked through with beer, viciously sticking to her body and she opened her eyes wide, staring into the forest.
Damn Data with its solid thickets.
Rachel tried to figure out what to do next. She had no idea where she was and was going to bite off her finger from anger that she didn't pay attention to the road when she and Amy were driving in the car. Her phone, of course, was happily left at home. And who could Raven call when her parents had already had their third dream, believing that their daughter was sleeping in her room with a girlfriend.
Amy. Raven could only guess where this woman had gone, but at least she was sure that she had a phone and money with the prince and urged herself to calm down mentally, her problem with the ferocious Wild hung over her a danger sign and Rachel had to move away from the building a few steps, I hope that she was able to break away.
Several long minutes passed, Wilde did not appear, but her nerves were on edge, Rachel stopped breathing, then inhaled sharply without taking her eyes off the iron door. The music continued to be loud, and Raven knew that no one would hear her screams from here. She shuddered.
Don't you dare think about it, Rachel Roth. You made it. You ran away. Well done.
In the next minute, her blood cooled and stopped, and her mind completely refused to accept what was happening. Raven heard a branch snap at her side and she heard a growl. A wild, bestial and dangerous growl, not capable of being made by a person. She swallowed hard, her muscles stretched into a rigid string and she did not remember how she turned around, meeting the gaze of three pairs of eyes. Wolf's eyes.
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tirednerd2012 · 3 years
Note
I thought of a way Kirk could feasibly appear in EIGTBO. Suppose his mom kicks out his dad when he's younger, but he still grows up to be violent and sadistic, so she's finally forced to kick him out too and forbids him from seeing Luke. Luke and Ian and some other kids play together when Kirk shows up planning to kidnap Luke. Barley's able to save him, but Kirk takes Ian in retaliation. Later he offers Barley an ultimatum: bring Luke to him, or he'll never see Ian again.
So, Imma try this. Luke and Ian are both, let's say 8 at this time because Jenny and Leo will be featured in the story, but Jenny and Barley won't be engaged or anything. Since there is so much trauma, this will be broken up and explored more as Ian and Barley get some much needed therapy. Also the beginning will have another story because this was going to be a great day for the brothers and I need fluff later.
Barley heard a child crying and someone dragging the kid by their arm. The kid desperately tried to get free. His mind went to worst case. A playground. A bunch of kids. This was an attempted kidnapping.
He didn't hesitate to rock that guy's shit and then call the police.
Turns out the guy, Kirk Jones, had a restraining order against him from his little brother, the boy, Luke. The police promised Barley that the mother would be called and that would be that. He took Ian's hand and left because he couldn't stop shaking.
Barley had a splitting headache the next week. He could hardly keep his eyes open and even the sound of Leo and Ian playing quietly in the next room made it feel like his head was about to bust open.
"Barley," Jenny said and kissed the top of his head, "I can take the boys out to the park or something. You get some sleep. You've been working a lot and probably just tired."
He forced himself to make eye contact with her, even though the room felt too bright. He nodded and she kissed him again.
"Get some sleep," she said softly and he laid back down on his bed. "I love you."
"I love you, too."
A few minutes later he heard his bedroom door creak open. He opened his eyes again and saw Ian with a glass of water. His little brother placed it on his bedside table.
He looked over apologetically as he saw Barley awake.
"I- um, you always bring me water when I'm not feeling good," he said and Barley chuckled, forcing himself to ignore his migraine and ruffled his brother's hair and then kissed the top of his head.
"Thanks, bud, go have fun. I love you."
"I love you, too," Ian said and then gave Barley a quick hug before leaving. The moment Barley put his head on the pillow, he was out.
Until he woke up to the worst call of his life.
"Barley? Barley, I need you get to the police station. Now," Jenny said. Barley could hear the panic and sobbing in her voice and his heart stopped. He jumped up from the bed and immediately grabbed his keys.
"Jen? What's wrong? Are you okay? Are the boys?"
She sobbed harder.
"Someone just attacked us. He grabbed me from behind by my hair and the boys tried to help but-" she cried more and Barley felt the tears forming in his eyes as he got out to his van and immediately started it up.
"Jen, what happened?"
"He took Ian. Barley, he took him and I don't even know where we are and Leo is hurt and won't wake up and Barley, you need to get to the police station. Now. Some officers tracked my phone and are coming now. Oh God."
"Jen, listen to me," Barley said, trying to keep his voice steady but his mind kept repeating everything to him. Ian was gone. Ian was missing. Leo and Jen are hurt and they didn't know where they were. Ian was gone. Dear God Ian was gone.
"Barley."
"I'm on my way to the station. Did you get a look at the guy?" he asked.
The next few days would be the worst of his life, yet they blurred together. Each dragged on and he felt like he was going to die. He'd rather have died than felt the pain he felt those next few days.
Ian tried to move out of the cage, but the older boy who smelled like alcohol was scaring him. He paced back and forth around the cage, occasionally screaming and then kicking it.
Ian's crying annoyed the boy apparently.
"Just stop! He's not coming!" the boy yelled. "Your brother isn't coming and even if he does, I'm going to kill him."
"Barley is coming for me! And I'd hate to be you when he gets here!" Ian snapped and the guy opened the cage and yanked Ian up. He didn't hit him, just yanked him hard and forced him close. Ian winced at the stench of rum.
"Then where is he? You've been here a day, kid. And he's not here."
"He's looking."
"No, he ain't. Because he doesn't give a shit about you," the boy said and Ian felt his stomach turn at that idea, but he knew that wasn't true. Barley would never give up on him.
"You wouldn't come for your little brother?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because my little brother decided to stay with my mom. He turned his back on me. He's better off dead than with that woman," the boy snapped as he threw Ian on the ground, but didn't do anything else. He played with the knife in his hands and Ian wanted to run, but the boy was right in between him and the door.
Barley, please, hurry.
"Then why do you care about seeing him again?"
"Because he needs discipline in his life and she's not going to give it to him."
"What does that have to do with Barley?" Ian asked and the boy knelt down beside him.
"Because your brother doesn't understand his role in life and he needs to learn to mind his own business."
Two days. It had been two days and no one could find Ian. Kirk was off somewhere no one knew about. The police were doing the bare minimum to help and Barley couldn't think straight.
His foot was on the gas pedal as he drove, nowhere in particular, because being on the road was better than being home. It was better than Ian's empty bedroom and the silence. It was better than hearing Jenny cry and not having the strength to provide her comfort. It was better than watching Frank drink.
Everything was falling apart and Barley kept running over and over in his head that it had been two damn days since he last saw his brother. Last heard his laugh. Played with him.
Ian was gone. And had Barley been there, he could have saved him.
Barley was so lost in his mind he didn't notice when a unicorn jumped onto the road. He slammed his brakes, almost flipping his car over and the case file the police gave him flew everywhere and the phone book dropped on the floor.
He didn't wrap his head around the experience at all.
He looked at the piece of paper then looked in the phonebook. Only one Jones surprisingly. Rebecca Jones.
And it had an address. Barley took a deep breath, said a quick prayer, then was gone. He wasted no time going to a random stranger's house.
A woman opened the door. She was about a foot shorter than Barley, with hair longer than Jenny's, but she looked to be in her 40s.
"Can I help you?" she asked. Barley took a deep breath and went over his entire situation, from her son, Kirk, to helping Luke, to his girlfriend being attacked, to his little brother missing.
And she stood there. What's worse is she didn't seem particularly surprised, but terrified. She shook as Barley continued.
"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."
"He has my brother," Barley said and Mrs. Jones stopped and didn't close the door. "He has my little brother. Ian. He's 8 and he's probably hurt and crying out for me right now. Please. Whatever you know. My little brother is my absolute everything. I'm not going to take your son, I'll face Kirk myself, but please. I need to know where to go."
"The little boy he took is your brother?"
"Yes. He's the only family I have left. I've been raising him for three years. He's everything to me and I'll do whatever it takes to get him back," Barley felt the tears sting his eyes, "I feel like I'm losing my mind. I just want him home and safe. I want to hear him playing upstairs in his room or sitting with me on the couch. I miss tucking him in every night."
"How long has Kirk had him?"
"Two days now. I haven't slept. I haven't eaten. I haven't stopped searching. I found your name in the phone book and took a chance. I have nothing left to lose, please," Barley begged. The woman studied him for a moment, and then he heard another voice. A child's voice.
"Mommy? Where's- hey, you're the guy from the other day!" Luke said as he saw Barley. Barley could normally push all of his problems away and smile in front of children, no matter what he was feeling. But looking at Luke broke him even more. The kid had the exact same eyes as his precious little brother.
"Sweetie, go back inside, please," Mrs. Jones said and then looked back up at Barley. "My son is dangerous. I tried so hard to save him. His father used to beat him and then twisted his mind. I don't think he'll ever be able to tell wrong from right."
"And I'm sorry about that, but someone you just admitted is dangerous has a kid right now. You're terrified of him seeing Luke again, and I understand that, but he has my kid right now. Please, I won't tell him anything. I'll even help you and Luke, but I need Ian back. Please."
"His father used to own a house on the other side of town. I'll write down the address for you," she said and invited him inside. Barley walked in and saw Luke on the couch. The young boy tilted his head in curiosity at Barley while his mother went to grab a piece of paper.
"Hey, mister, what's your name?"
"Barley," he answered.
"Thanks for your help the other day. My big brother is really mean and..." his voice trailed off for a moment, "I'm glad I didn't go with him. Sometimes I think he still loves me, but then he gets mad and he hits me. Or he drinks something and gets really angry."
"Luke, I know he's your brother, but family can be so many different things," Barley said. "And you are a great kid who didn't deserve that treatment. Mrs. Jones came back in with a piece of paper and Barley looked at Luke one more time before leaving.
He wasted no time getting to his little brother. He drove as fast as he could and 10 minutes later, he was at the house. He called the police and went inside.
He heard yelling and glass shattering. Then Ian crying.
Ian.
Barley broke the door open and immediately his eyes locked with Kirk.
"Barley!" Ian cried out. Before Barley could do anything, Kirk charged. He was stronger than Barley anticipated and they both got knocked into a nearby bookshelf. It broke at their combined weight and the fight continued.
Barley busted Kirk's head against the wall, but he must have been used to it because it had zero effect on him, which was slightly concerning but there were more pressing matters.
Ian cried out for Barley to watch out and then Kirk picked up a nearby glass bottle of whiskey and hit Barley with it. Hard.
His vision blurred, but he could see the flash of silver from a knife, heading right towards him.
"Barley! No!" Barley couldn't comprehend what happened next.
Kirk went in with his knife, he heard Ian scream and then an explosion that threw Kirk away from him, yet he was unharmed. Not a touch. He spun around and saw his little brother with tears pouring down his already tear-stained cheeks, desperately trying to get out of the dragon cage. He was also unhurt. The only person that seemed to get injured was Kirk.
The police busted in just as Kirk forced himself up with a groan and then looked at Ian.
"How did he- no, something's up with that kid!" he said as two officers grabbed him and handcuffed him. Then his eyes locked on Barley with a glare and a deadly promise laced as his pupils focused in on the other man. "You're going to pay for this, you bastard! That kid has something and I'll get it!"
The officers dragged him away and Barley got Ian out of the cage and his brother jumped in his arms and buried his head into Barley's chest and sobbed.
"Ian, oh thank God. It's okay. You're safe. It's okay," he said over and over again and kept apologizing. He kissed the top of Ian's head multiple times and refused to let the child go. "I love you so, so much, kiddo."
His mind went back to the explosion and he wondered how Ian did do that. Ian screamed and Kirk flew back, but how?
Ian curled into his chest further and his thoughts went back to what the last few days had felt like. Not knowing if he was ever going to see his little brother again. Searching and worrying. Crying. Almost crashing his van because the idea of never seeing his little brother again, his entire world, made him want to die. Jenny and Leo crying. Frank on the phone with the police.
He couldn't explain what Ian just did, but Ian was there. He was in Barley's arms and his older brother would never let him go again.
"I love you so, so much, bud. I'm never letting anything take you from me again."
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longitud-de-onda · 4 years
Text
come back home
pairing; the mandalorian | din djarin x female reader summary; it’s been three years since you’ve seen din after leaving him on a distant planet. rating; m warnings; a panic attack, unintentional gaslighting, heavy angst, a bit of light sex (no smut or anything very nsfw), some gunshot wounds, alcohol. don’t worry it’s not all angst there’s some happy stuff. word count; 11.3k a/n; so this pops around a lot with timing, but it should be fairly clear. every big line break switches perspectives between din and the reader, and every section is a bit of present and then a flashback. the flashbacks are chronological. also, it’s long. it’s so long. taglist; @bonkybaaarnes​
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It was a busy day. People had been wandering in and out of your shop since you turned the sign in the window to ‘Open.’ There probably hasn’t been a span of more than 5 minutes where you didn’t hear the sound of the doorbell tinkling, signaling the entrance of one or more of the planet’s upper echelon, art students, or just interested visitors. Running an art gallery and dealership was possibly one of the most peaceful things you could do during this age of the New Republic. Especially when you lived on a Core World.
An old looking Neimoidian who had been wandering the space for the past hour or so approached your desk.
“That piece there, with the scene from the Clone Wars, how much is it?”
You looked over to where he was pointing. It was one of the larger pieces you had at the time, a beautiful war painting. Realism wasn’t as common anymore. Neither, you supposed, was painting. You got the piece directly from the artist a few months back, entranced by the historic materials and the mastery of the battle scene. It reminded you of your teenage years, back during the war. It was sad to see it go, but you knew you couldn’t keep the pieces and were happy it would have a home.
“Thirteen thousand credits,” You smiled at the man. For the Neimoidians who came and went, your reputation, and the size of the piece, it was a good price. He knew it too. His subtle nod indicated he was interested, and you put the order into your system. One of the gallery droids sprung to life behind you to retrieve the piece from its spot on the wall and bring it to the back room where it would be packaged for shipment. You pulled out a datapad, handing it over to the Neimoidian who began to fill out the credit transfer form.
“Your reputation precedes you,” He mused while typing, “You run a lovely shop here. It’s nice, with the Empire over. Peace, art, business. It’s all flourishing.”
“It is,” You smiled, “it’s great for business.”
“Indeed it is,” He looked up, handing back the datapad with the complete form, “I must thank you, it is a great honor to work with you.”
“The honor is all mine,” you say, reviewing the form. 13,000 New Republic credits. Not good for much outside the Core nowadays, not that you had any plans on leaving.
“I collect war art,” he began, an unusual admission for a Neimoidian, “Honoring those who fought. I just imagine... must be difficult, out there on the battlefield.”
-o-o-o-
“It must be difficult...” the Mandalorian said, startling you from your thoughts. In the 17 hours since you met him, he hadn’t said more than 20 words. “... living job to job, no help.”
You turned to face him, or rather, to look at the small gap in his helmet.
“What do you mean? Isn’t it the same for you?” You got the current job together from some guy in a bar in the backwater outer rim planet you were spending the day on. He said it would be too difficult, too risky to just have one man on the job. Two was insurance.
“I’m a guild member. Who do you have?” You knew he was just trying to make small talk, but it felt like a slap on the face. You had practically nothing. You’d been wandering the galaxy ever since the fall of the empire, nothing to do. Your only skills were fighting, flying, and formulating battle plans. Without a war, you had nothing.
Probably should have joined the guild at some point, you thought to yourself. But that never felt like the right option. You still had your loyalties. And bounty hunters, well, bounty hunters have no loyalties other than the guild. Imperial heads and Rebel ones had the same price if you had the right buyer.
“It’s been this way for a while now, I don’t mind it so much,” you responded. You had only just met the Mandalorian anyways, hadn’t known him long enough where he deserved to know really how you felt. It was still difficult, not spilling out your entire backstory to him, something about the way he cocked his head and the few words he said that let you know he was always intensely listening to you.
You had the feeling that after another 17 hours he would have only racked up another 40 words while you’d have revealed almost every detail of your life. He had that effect on you. Kind of scary if you were to admit it, but you knew in only an hour or so the Razor Crest would be landing and the fight would start and hopefully end in only a matter of minutes and you’d return to the money and go your separate ways. No need to fret over some guy. Even if that guy was a Mandalorian.
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Din Djarin had landed the Razor Crest about a 50-minute walk from the city, enough to remember that it had been a year or so since he spent any time traversing tough terrain and began to regret not docking closer.
It was a force of habit. The ship wasn’t registered so it flew under the radar, but any attempt to land at a New Republic port would be dangerous, but he supposed that landing 20 minutes away wouldn’t have been so bad. It didn’t really matter now though, as he was coming up to the first signs of civilization.
He only had a faint idea of where he was headed, somewhere closer to the center, but not too close. With his luck, probably the side of the city furthest from his ship so he’d have to cross through the center if he wanted the quickest route.
The most efficient route used to not matter so much. He used to be able to afford to skirt around the edges. Now, nearing the heart of the city, he was tired enough to know he needed to stop. He’d been walking for over 3 hours.
It was unusual, being on such a populated planet. Everyone moved around him, not sparing him even a glance. He wasn’t used to that at all.
Din saw a small but interesting looking cantina a few doors down and slipped inside. It was filled with smoke and music and laughter. Nothing like the empty-feeling outer rim bars. The people here had all sorts of masks, just not the physical kinds: fake smiles plastered on to fool a lover, guises of aggression formulated purely to intimidate, the facades of disappointment dealt expertly to tug at heartstrings. There was something completely and utterly alive in this place, but that something was also a farce.
A barstool opened up about two-thirds of the way to the back wall, and Din pushed through the crowd to snatch it up. A sleek looking droid slid his way to take his order before gliding back down the bar to help a young couple pay for their drinks.
Another droid showed up in front of him, setting down the hot drink, with a yellow and red swirling appearance, steam rising off the top.
He raised the glass to his mouth, and took a sip, relishing in the feel the alcohol had, instantly spreading through his body, soothing while simultaneously lighting him on fire.
-x-x-x-
Fucking desert planets, Din thought to himself. Somewhere in the galaxy, someone was probably laughing at him: a Mandalorian in the desert. Thick black wool covered with beskar armor had to be the absolute worst combination for a planet made of sand and heat. He had been sitting behind a rock formation for the better part of the day, the local star’s hot light beating down on his body.
The camp was small but Din knew there were at least twelve stormtroopers and two Imperial high-ups. There could be more. He had been watching the four tents all day, and each one could probably hold around 15 people quite comfortably, but his infrared sensors weren’t working well, probably sand lodged in some panel, and he couldn’t figure out how many people he was up against.
The binoculars on his helmet zeroed in on a figure behind the furthest tent. Someone was out there, moving quickly between a couple of rocks. At the same time, one of the tent flaps opened, and a couple of stormtroopers popped out. Din had to break his gaze from the mysterious person and watched the two walk from one tent to the next. He was fairly sure they weren’t new, only the same guys who walked in 30 minutes ago.
Upon arrival at the next tent, one ducked in while the other stood guard. A few seconds passed and then the white helmet peaked out of the tent again, this time followed by another 3, and an Imperial officer. The five troopers flanked the man as he returned to the tent the troopers originally came from.
“What are you doing here?” a voice sounded from his left. Din whipped around while pulling his Amban rifle from his back, pointing at where the voice came from.
It was the fighter from the job back off of Comra. She had leaned back enough to keep her head from being lopped off by the rifle and her hands were up.
“Sorry, Mando, didn’t mean to scare you,” she said, her voice slow and vibrating in her throat.
Din lowered the Amban, and peaked back at the imp tents. There was no activity occurring anymore.
“But seriously, what are you doing here?” she sounded a bit frustrated. Her face was reddening, but he couldn’t tell if it was just the heat. She was slick with sweat, shining in the sunlight. He figured if he had any skin exposed it would look the same. He was sweltering, but couldn’t tell if wearing anything lighter would have helped. His skin hadn’t seen the light in a long time, and a smarter outfit for the heat might just be his downfall.
Din reached into his pocket, pulling out the puck he was working on. He turned it over a few times in his palm before turning it on and holding out the holo to show the woman. The blue bust spun around and her eyes widened.
“It’s him,” she breathed. After a long moment, she broke her gaze from Din’s assignment and looked right at him, “you’re going after him?”
“Yes, if you don’t ruin my chance. He’s in there,” Din gestured over to the tents.
“I know. He’s got a bounty of his own on my head,” the admission took Din by surprise, and he realized that the woman was bowing her head; in shame, frustration, or something entirely different, he couldn’t tell.
“Then why aren’t you running?” he knew it sounded too harsh, but sometimes, rarely, but sometimes, his emotions got ahead of him and he had to ask the burning questions.
“I was. That’s why I’m here,” she said, panting a bit. Where they stood was in direct sunlight, and it was only getting hotter. “I was running from him, planet-hopping, was here for about a week, and the fucker showed up this morning, set up camp less than a kilometer from where I was. I thought I was done for. I was trying to get a good last look at him before I either made it out or was killed, but then I saw you behind the rocks. Figured if I was destined to die, then, well, you were probably here to kill me anyway.”
Din cocked his head, “I’d never take a job from an imp.”
“Well, that’s good,” she said. She attempted to laugh, but the heat was too much and the topic too heavy that it came out more like a couple of shallow breaths before stopping entirely.
The two turned to look at the camp again. Nothing was happening. Din didn’t have too much of a plan until he knew how many stormtroopers he was up against.
“I, uh, I fought for the Rebel Alliance, way back when,” the woman said, still staring at the tents, “I wasn’t even 14 when I joined. When the New Republic formed there wasn’t much left for me. I knew war, and I wanted the imps all gone. I’ve sort of been on the run since, taking out stormtroopers and officers whenever I get the chance. I suppose it all caught up to me.”
“14 is pretty young for a fighter,” Din said, not sure what else to say. He wasn’t used to people being open with him.
“Not where I’m from, it’s not,” and when Din looked over to see her finish the sentence he saw something in her eyes that shook him to the core. Some sort of raw pain and loss and desperation. He was going to kill the commander, and take down anyone else in the damned tent.
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An hour and ten minutes before closing you began pre-close procedures, as usual. The shop was mostly empty, save for a couple of Bothans who appeared to be making some final decisions on what pieces to purchase, and a few young faces you had learned belonged to the students who would pop in weekly to see the art, never buying anything. You didn’t mind. Art was meant to be appreciated.
You had made quite a few sales and were satisfied with the day’s profit. Someone bought out almost your entire collection of small prints by a Corellian artist, and you were pleased to have sold the rather violent series of holosculptures, and you already had the droids put a more calming piece in their spot.
A droid began going around sweeping the space, and another was sent to the supply room to start restocking packaging materials that had been used up during the day.
You kept your eyes firmly on the door, feeling like the current inhabitants were fairly safe, no need to worry about any of them harming the art. Or yourself.
This morning, you woke up and turned on the television just in time to see the news reporting on the threats: some unidentified group with a vendetta against anyone who fought for the rebellion. You supposed living on a Core planet, where the New Republic held plenty of power, you should be safe, but that didn’t stop you from wearing your most battle-ready outfit that could still appear formal enough for your store.
The Bothans’ discussion seemed to quiet down when the bell rang again and a tall looking man walked in, dressed in tactical pants and wearing a jacket that could hide any number of weapons. You reached down beneath your desk, hand grasping for the blaster you kept there. You didn’t like the look of the guy.
“I was told this was the place to go if I needed some advice,” the man walked directly towards you, and you inhaled quickly.
“What sort of advice?” you asked.
“My daughter, she likes art, I don’t know what to get for her. She’s getting married next month.”
You dropped your blaster and let your shoulders fall a bit.
“Well, I can certainly help you with that.”
-o-o-o-
Your blaster was pointed directly at the head of one of the guys, finger on the trigger, rage in your eyes. It took less than a quarter of a second to squeeze your hand and the target’s body went limp.
Thwump.
It felt a bit like you had been kicked in the stomach, and whatever it was had you flying through the air for a moment, and sometime during that instant, suspended midair, you felt a brief stinging sensation spread across your lower leg. Then you hit the ground.
Lying there, you watched the blaster fire zoom over you. You couldn’t really feel your leg anymore, so you supposed that was better than feeling whatever had happened.
Your stomach was sore, so was your back. Really, everything hurt. Your vision was a bit foggy around the edges, so you stared up at one of the moons, however faint it appeared in the daylight.
It was admittedly very dumb to accept this sort of job. You had to hand it to Mando, picking out the stupidest shit to get involved in to pay for gas money. The two of you were supposed to be on the run, caring for the Child, staying out of trouble. Not getting shot while being paid to fight for some local clan dispute. There were probably thirty or so fighting. And you two.
You weren’t really sure how much time had passed with you on the ground. All you knew was that wherever you were hit on the stomach hurt more than almost anything you’d ever experienced. The hand clenched over the wound felt slick with what could have been blood, but was maybe just sweat. At some point, the sound of the fighting died down, and the dust began to settle.
A shadow fell over your face as the sunlight was blocked, and you blinked a few times to adjust to the darkness. It was Mando, kneeling next to you.
“I’m fine,” you croak out, knowing fully that it was a lie. Mando probably knew that too, because he pulled your arm off of your stomach. It didn’t take much effort, you didn’t have the energy to protest.
His gloved hands grazed over the wound, gently, and you thought you heard a sound through his modulator that could have been him sucking in his breath. If it had been highly distorted.
“You need to protect yourself more,” he said, roughly.
“I was!” you protested. He was using the same tactic you had used on many others on the battlefield before: outrage the victim so they stay awake long enough to get help. You needed to remind yourself to thank him when you were back on the ship.
Mando’s helmet moved to indicating that he was surveying you for further damage. His gaze stopped at your leg. You know what he’d found. You had begun to suspect it. Blaster fire might not appear too deep, but if set to kill it had a nasty burn that singed off all nerve endings, so you couldn’t even feel the wound as the impact took root deep under the skin.
Suddenly, cool air flooded underneath you and you realized the Mandalorian had scooped you up, cradling you in his arms. He was clearly very strong, but you hadn’t realized how warm he’d feel, even with all the armor on.
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Din set down the now empty glass and placed the money next to it. He signaled to the droid that he was done and stood up. Taking a deep breath, he stepped forward, moving through the growing crowd. Big bars and busy planets made him feel much more vulnerable than he was used to, and while the stop was necessary, it was definitely time to leave.
Why the hell did I come here, Din found himself wondering as he felt his panic rising. His step quickened and he became frantic to get out of the establishment.
There were too many people. Too many colors. The sounds were everywhere, people laughing, people talking, someone was singing. He heard the tapping of someone’s fingers on the bar table and the beeping of some sort of device. The live band seemed to be getting louder. Din spun around, no longer sure of where the exit was. His eyes widened and he looked around for some sign of fresh air. He felt like he was suffocating.
Someone walked right in front of him, breathing hot air onto his face. Din gasped, turning, desperate for escape. He was inhaling smoke and alcohol fumes and the stench of sweat and the collision of food from too many different planets. He pushed by whoever was in front of him, and then another, and another. A chorus of protests occurred as he parted the crowd but the division just closed behind him, their faces forgetting him the moment he disappeared.
The light from outside was finally in sight. Din thought he saw a way out but a second later it closed up again. He paused for a moment, trying to breathe as deeply as possible, and out of the corner of his eye he saw it. His reflection.
Din pivoted on his heels to face the mirror. And there he was, face ragged, hair unkempt, facial hair untamed, and above all, it was out there, for anyone to see.
And Din couldn’t help but realize how unappealing he looked. There was safety in keeping his face covered, safety that no longer existed. He didn’t want people to see how he looked. He wasn’t used to the way people judged. The way people look at his face and make assumptions, or worse, read him like a book.
Din’s reflection blinked back at him in unfiltered vulnerability, but his stare was broken as someone else pushed into him, and another walked in front of the mirror.
-x-x-x-
Somewhere in the lower deck the sound of clattering metal rang out along with a stream of expletives, followed by a very prompt, “It’s all good, I’m fine! Everything’s fine!”
Din chuckled to himself, staring off into the emptiness of the Unknown Regions. Thousands of millions of stars without habitable planets. Or with habitable ones, if only the New Republic could touch them.
After visiting every planet in the known galaxy, they hadn’t found a single other creature like the Child. Din looked over at the kid, and it looked back at him, cooing happily. Needing to find its home planet was the only priority, thus the entrance into the Unknown Regions, the lesser explored half of the galaxy.
Din realized he might be the first person looking at some of these stars from this angle, from this distance. The Razor Crest was likely the first ship to pass anywhere near where it was right now.
It was incredibly beautiful.
“Mando!” she called from below, “Food’s ready! You better come down here and eat or I’m gonna rip your helmet off and force feed you.”
“Don’t worry,” Din called back. She had the right to be worried. A few months back she discovered that he wasn’t eating to save rations. They didn’t know how long they’d be out here, didn’t know how long they’d need to make the food last. As soon as she found out, though, running out of food was the least of his worries. She took over all food prep and made sure every day all three of them were eating.
A couple weeks ago they ran across a small habited planet, one of the few ones littering this part of the galaxy, and were able to restock. Even with enough food to last another 6 months in space, Din knew she still worried.
It was nice to have someone who worried about him, not that he would admit that to anyone.
Her head popped into the cockpit, two plates balanced on one hand as she finished scaling the ladder with her other.
“Your plate’s below,” she smiled at him. She said the same thing every day. And she smiled every day, like nothing was wrong or weird about their situation.
Din watched as she set down one plate on the dashboard and knelt with the other in front of the Child and began feeding it. He could tell she had really grown to love the kid. It was sweet to see the two; the kid adored seeing her face, and she was so good at getting it to listen to her.
Din took one last look before jumping down into the lower deck. This was the usual ritual. He would listen to the soft words and sounds exchanged above as he took off his helmet below and began to eat. She knew not to come down until he said so. Din trusted her.
He raised his hands to the sides of his helmet, gently pulled it off, and relished in the feel of the recycled air against his face.
Din loved the feeling without the helmet, but the moments when he got to remove it were rare. Beyond showers, there wasn’t really any time to do it. They slept in too close of quarters to risk taking it off while asleep. The only constant was mealtime.
With a heavy clink the helmet was sitting on the bench next to him, and Din grabbed the plate of food. He ate in silence, as always, listening to the chatter and giggles coming from the cockpit.
Usually this was a pause to eat something, not think too much, and just rest, before getting back to business. What business was when they were floating around aimlessly through unexplored space with no idea where their destination was in the galaxy, Din couldn’t say. But there always seemed to be business.
However, today, when he set down his helmet, it was turned to face him as he ate, and it felt like it was staring right back at him. It was rather menacing. Emotionless. Din felt a chill down his spine as he realized that that was all that anyone knew him by. That was all she saw. Perhaps there was some life in it when a head was inside, but still, that was the face she spent all day staring at.
Din missed being around the other Mandalorians. Seeing all the other masks made it feel like he was a bit more human. Knowing there were other humans doing the same thing. He supposed, though, that the need for a status quo was what made him human.
And, for the first time in years, Din had the urge to climb up to the ladder, helmet left behind, and look at her face to face, take off his gloves, and hold her hand, hold the Child, just touch things with his own skin.
He shook his head as if to try to clear the thought. It scared him, how easily he could break his Creed when left in isolation. He spooned the last bite of the meal into his mouth, and, as quickly as possible, placed the helmet back on his head.
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Usually around this time, about 30 minutes before the store closes, the last customer is wandering the rooms, about ready to buy something or leave. Sometimes there’s a final straggler to the end. Maybe, on a holiday, there’s a steady stream and you have to kick people out at closing, but a day like today? A normal day, the middle of the week, nothing special happening? The constant flow of customers was certainly unusual.
It was good for business, and it was nice to talk to the many scholars who had stopped through today, but you were ready to take down the ‘Open’ sign and replace it with the lovely ‘Closed’ one that meant you got to go home.
You desperately wanted to be alone for a bit. You had once gotten completely stir crazy and that want for people led you to this planet. Sometimes you wished you had chosen some Mid Rim planet, but usually that thought was stamped out as you remembered how your stability of life decreased as you furthered from the Core Worlds.
Further out generally meant less New Republic protection, and more potential Imperial influence. As a former fighter who just wanted some peace and quiet, sometimes you had to choose someplace a bit loud.
A young couple burst through the door in a fit of laughter and you looked up to see the two getting rather handsy with each other. It was sweet, and nothing inappropriate enough to deem needing to be broken up. You had paintings more explicit hanging on the walls.
You smiled to yourself at the looks of the other patrons, a mix of disgust, annoyance, and sadness. But there were a few others looking at them with the appreciation of innocent kids in love. Either way, the couple seemed to be there for the art. One pointed at an illustration and the other got incredibly excited, going off chattering about it. The pointer just gazed at the speaker with love in their eyes. No one could be mad at something like that.
-o-o-o-
You lay in one of the small beds, the sheets underneath you disgustingly scratchy and sweaty. You had spent almost a year now on the Razor Crest, drifting through space, and laundry for the sheets was not really a priority for water usage.
You could pretty easily forgive the sheets though, as you were pressed up next to Din, completely naked, sweaty and still slightly shaking in the haze of afterglow. The sex was unforgettable. It was so warm in the ship all the blankets were pooled at the bottom of the mattress. Din’s feet were playing with the fabric lazily.
His condition for this arrangement, starting all those weeks ago, was that you had to be blindfolded, which you couldn’t really complain about. It would have been amazing to take away all restraints and look at Din in the face, but you knew that would never happen, so you figured you’d take what you could get. And the one night turned into two, which turned into so many nights and days you couldn’t even count.
Din’s breath was hot on your neck. His arm curled around your waist, and your back was pressed against his chest. It was something out of a dream. You never once thought you would feel safe and at home enough with anyone to be this vulnerable, but here you were. Din was wrapped around you and you could still feel the ache of him between your legs.
You realized he hadn’t said anything in a while. Ever since you started sleeping together, Din liked to talk. He knew how much you liked hearing his voice without the helmet on. It was a sexy voice, or maybe you just thought anything about him without the armor was sexy because it was so forbidden.
You wriggled a bit and flipped over to face him. Your legs intertwined between his, and you were practically face to face. If you weren’t wearing the strip of black fabric wrapped around your head, his eyes would be right there, staring back at you.
You were a bit jealous of Din. He got to look at you. All of you.
You every day, working around the ship, picking up the Child, singing to yourself or reading on your bed. And these past few weeks, all of you, spread out on his bed, wrapped around him, leaning into him.
All you got were little glimpses of skin when he was careless with his armor or back before the Unknown Regions, when you were both getting injured almost daily, having to patch each other up.
You leaned your forehead against his.
“Din,” you whispered. It still felt like an incredible privilege to get to use that name.
You hand reached up to touch his cheek. He leaned into your touch, and you caressed his face. Your hands felt the curve of his jawbone, the rough brush of a mustache, his soft lips. You trailed over his nose and his brow bones. If you couldn’t see him, you were going to memorize every line and curve of his face. You didn’t know the colors, but you had a pretty good idea of what he looked like.
Your hands joined forces as they moved down his body, first across his neck, then his chest, and his waist, then, teasingly, right back up to his face again. You had him moving slowly in tandem with you.
You rolled your hips into him softly. There was no intention of a round two, you were both too exhausted for that, just the need for him to be closer. To feel him.
“Din, talk to me,” you said, in between soft kisses to his face, “you’re being quiet.”
His hands shot down to your hips, pushing you back. He rolled off the bed. You weren’t sure what to do. You weren’t sure what you did.
There was a thump on the ground that sounded a lot like his shoes. Din was putting his clothes on. You could hear the rustling. Then the hiss the helmet made when he put it on his head. The door opened, but the closing sound never happened. The methodical sound of feet and hands on the ladder came next. He had gone up to the cockpit, leaving you on the bed.
You rolled onto your back, unsure of what to do next.
Usually, Din would tell you when it was good to look. Usually, he would reach around your head with his gloved hands, gently pushing back your hair. Usually, he would carefully untie the fabric, making sure none of your hair got caught. Usually, you would open your eyes to see him with the helmet, and you could always imagine the smile that lay underneath.
You knew he was gone. He had just up and left you in bed. You reached up to remove the blindfold. You blinked a few times to adjust to the light. The cold air drifting around the room reminded you that Din hadn’t even thought to close the door behind him. You looked around for your clothes, finally seeing where he had likely threw them in the heat of things. Slowly, you got dressed.
The fabric of the blindfold was draped over your hands, and you folded it over itself a few times before setting it down in the center of the bed.
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Din wasn’t used to planets with this many paved roads. The years on Nevarro and running around the Outer Rim had gotten him used to dirt alleyways and uneven ground. He found himself enjoying the luxury of not having to worry he would twist an ankle. It was helping distract him.
Even outside the bar, it still felt like there were too many people. He was sweating, his legs were shaking, and he was feeling a bit dizzy. After about 5 minutes of walking he wasn’t sure if it was the remnants of the panic attack that were causing the feelings, or the nerves of where he was going.
A friend had told him where he would need to go, right down to the turns to make on every street. He never imagined that when he was this close he would be regretting even coming.
Din shook his head. He took a deep breath in, he only hoped he had the right place.
-x-x-x-
It had been 10 long weeks. Din could count the number of words she had said on his two hands.
Every day he would wake up, and she would be either holed up in her bed, reading or writing, or up in the cockpit, sitting in the pilot’s seat, staring into the galaxy. As soon as she realized he was there, she’d get up, and leave the room. Probably go to the bathroom. She’d spend an hour playing with the Child. Then go through the whole ship, checking for damage. Not that they’d ever sustain anything. They never encountered anyone. Every time they found a planet within the habitable zone, scanners would show it as too dangerous for even the Child to survive.
After scanning the ship, she’d go back to the kid. Then make food. If Din was lucky she’d leave a plate for him. The two times they found a planet to stop, refuel, and stock up, everything was done in silence. Sometimes she’d disappear for an hour, probably just to run and stretch her legs.
He’d often catch her staring at a spot on the wall, tapping her fingers or bouncing her leg. She’d sit like that for impossibly long periods of time. He knew the isolation was getting to her.
Every so often, she’d walk into his room, or up to the cockpit where he was flying, and look like she was about to say something, but stayed silent.
The first week of this, Din blamed himself: if only he hadn’t allowed them to get so close, then he wouldn’t have had to call it off. But in the end, he figured this was inevitable.
Calling their arrangement off was truly for the best. The guilt had increased to an unhealthy level, and Din knew it would eventually kill him.
In just a few weeks, he had broken the Creed so many times. Once or twice, sometimes even three times a day. He swore, years ago, to never take off the helmet in the presence of a living being. Even if she was blindfolded, it didn’t really matter.
Din wrote his own behavior off as just a reaction to the months of loneliness, the lack of other people. He never really considered she would be struggling with the same thing.
The sound of her steps alerted Din to the presence of someone else in his quarters. She stood in the doorway, leaning as if to take another step, but unsure if she could. The Child had followed her down, and was standing at her feet, looking up at her face.
“Refueling. 20 minutes,” she said. Her voice was quiet but hoarse. He supposed that after so much lack of use, that was to be expected. She disappeared back up to the cockpit.
Din got up to see this planet she spoke of. Standing upstairs, the whole universe taking up most of his vision, Din felt it was almost normal. The three of them were there, watching their destination come closer, the Child standing on the dashboard, Din standing silently, and she was sitting, flying the ship with a gentleness rarely experienced.
Down on the surface, the planet was stuck in time. It appeared to be a Galactic Republic station, stuck almost 50 years in the past. Aside from the feeling they were walking around a scene from a documentary, it was practically the same as an Inner Rim planet.
Din wandered around with the Child as she went off to restock on food. He visited shop after shop, asking around if anyone had seen a species like the kid. No luck.
After a few hours, Din walked into a cantina, hoping to find some fresh food for the kid, but upon realizing she was already there, turned around to leave. There was no use trying to talk to someone who had chosen to isolate herself from him for almost 3 months. Before he walked out the door, he couldn’t help but notice the way she was talking, happily and smoothly, smiling at some girl she was sitting next to. She looked almost completely normal again. Din smiled to himself. That was good.
Their other refueling stops had allowed them to stretch their legs, and maybe see about 10 other sentient creatures. They hadn’t gotten proper socialization in over 6 months.
Din returned to the Razor Crest, letting the kid play around in the dirt with some scrap metal lying around at the docking station. He sat on the edge of the open cargo door.
She showed up after a while, boxes in tow, and began loading them back onto the ship. No words were spoken. Din stood up to help, but she just brushed by him.
“Hey,” Din said, desperate for answers as this point, “what’s wrong?”
She froze. She slowly set down the boxes where she was, standing on the deck of the Razor Crest, looking down at Din.
“What.” she said, it wasn’t a question. It was empty.
“What’s wrong with you?” Din shook his head, “You were all excited and normal in the cantina back there. And here, with me, you’re silent.”
It was like a fire had been started, and Din could see it in her eyes.
“Why did you walk away?” she said. It was calm. Too calm, almost deadly.
“What?” it seemed like Din was always the one confused.
“Why did you walk away? We were fine, happy even, and you stood up in the middle of it, and left,” her voice steadily rose as she spoke, by the end she was yelling.
So it was about me, Din realized. “Did you really think we could keep doing that? Being like that?”
“Did I think we could keep doing that? Of course I did! I… I thought we had something, and you just pushed me away!” She had walked down the cargo door, and was now standing in front of Din.
“I had to push you away!” Din yelled, “I couldn’t keep doing that, what we did, I can’t do. I’m not allowed to!”
“You’re not allowed to? What kind of utter bullshit is that?” She spat at him, “We were alone in the fucking galaxy, on your fucking tiny ship, with nothing to do, and you weren’t allowed to? Says who?”
“Says the Creed,” Din was glad he wore a helmet at times like this, so people couldn’t see the tears threatening to spill out. He knew he was losing her, but he wasn’t going to just let her go so easily.
“Your damn Creed isn’t an excuse to just fucking disappear without any explanation, and if it is, than it’s shit... You’re shit,” she was only getting started, Din could feel that. But she insulted the Creed, and she couldn’t get away with that.
“The Creed isn’t just what I follow. It’s who I am. And if you can’t deal with that, then you shouldn’t have even gotten involved with me in the first place,” he didn’t realize what he had said until it was out of his mouth.  
“Well maybe I regret getting involved with you,” her words were like alcohol on an open wound, “I regret every single touch, moment, and word. I lie awake at night wishing I could scrub my body clean from the memory of you.”
“Oh, you’re telling me,” Din was incredulous, and increasingly mad, “I want nothing more than for that time together to have never happened. To have never met you. To have never had to help you deal with the fact you can’t even handle a few months alone in space. I wish I didn’t have to help you by doing things I never wanted to do. By doing you.”
At that, she took a step back. Something switched off and her body seemed to deflate.
“So that’s why,” she whispered under her breath, just barely loud enough for Din to hear, and his heart broke.
He hadn’t meant it. Din wanted to take it back, to pull her into his arms and never let go, but he knew he had just lost the right to ever touch her again.
“I can’t do this anymore, Mando,” she said, and his breath hitched at the sound of that name. It was only used by strangers and acquaintances who didn’t realize there was a person underneath the beskar.
“I can’t do this,” she continued, “not when it’s killing me.”
She turned around and walked with as much strength as she could, walked straight back into town, leaving Din standing, back against his ship, staring until she had faded from his view, only sliding down to sit when he realized he’d never see the more important person in his life again.
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10 minutes until closing. You were sitting at your desk, across the room from the front door, tapping your fingers rhythmically on the table. You wanted to go home. It had been a long day. But, true to the sign on the door, you would be open for another 10 minutes. Minutes that seemed to be passing as slowly as imaginable.
People seemed to keep coming in and no one was leaving. It was your worst nightmare. The bell rang. Some woman walked in. It rang again. Three students entered as a guy left. It rang again. Some sort of wookie-like creature walked in. You almost groaned out loud. Standing up, you turned around to check the back room. The droids in the gallery would be fine for a few seconds.
The back room was clean. The droids were talking to one another, and had no more work to do. You could only spend so much time in the back room.
Back out in the main space, you sat down, checking the time. 8 minutes and 30 seconds. This was actually the worst. You stared at the datapad you used to get customer information. After about two minutes of staring intently at the ‘Given Name’ box, and the doorbell ringing about 4 more times, hopefully for some customers to leave, you felt a presence in front of the desk.
You looked up. It was some guy, tall, sort of bulky, but strong looking. His hair was a mess, and his facial hair was worse, the only well-groomed thing was the mustache. He wasn’t familiar, definitely not a regular, probably not even from the planet. You couldn’t even begin to describe the look on his face. It was one you had never seen on someone in an art gallery who wasn’t looking at a piece. It was rich with emotion, pain probably, and he looked incredibly distraught.
Why would a guy, looking like that, be entering your shop and coming straight to the desk?
“Can I help you?” you asked, looking into his face.
-o-o-o-
You spent a solid 3 hours crying in an alleyway after storming off. You had watched the Razor Crest take off in the distance after the first hour, and watching everything you knew and loved soar into the sky and out of the atmosphere only brought on more tears.
The sun had set and the light was growing dim when you finally found yourself shakily standing up to find someplace to sleep. The cantina you were at that morning had a few rooms, and you spent half of all the money you had on you for food and a bed for the night.
The room was huge, as was the bed. After over a year of knowing nothing but narrow, hard bunks, it should have been an undeserved luxury, but as you lay in the center of the mattress, you knew you would give anything for the small room you called home.
Your heart ached for Din, and the Kid. You were already regretting leaving, but the regret tears quickly turned back into those of hurt when you replayed Din’s last words in your mind.
Had you really made him feel like you had forced him to have sex with you? Was your relationship founded upon any actual emotions on his part? Clearly everything you thought was true was a lie. All those nights, him holding you so tenderly in his arms was nothing more than him feeling like he owed you a service.
The pit growing in your stomach hardened. You felt sick. You felt dirty. You had hurt Din in ways you didn’t even realize, and when it all was too much for him, he left you in your solitude for weeks. Looking back, you supposed you deserved it for what you had done to him.
You had loved him. You knew that. The fact you were realizing this in the midst of what you could only describe as a breakup only caused you to shake with the sobs that overcame you once again.
You don’t know when you fell asleep, but at some point the tears turned to heavy breathing as your eyelids grew heavy and you slipped away into the night.
You didn’t sleep well, but the rest was needed, and in the morning you took a long shower, wiping yourself clean of the dried up salty feeling that covered your face and neck from the tears. As you ran a cloth over your body, you remembered your words from the day before. I lie awake at night wishing I could scrub my body clean from the memory of you.
If only you could snatch those words from the air where you spoke them. Maybe if you took them back, Din wouldn’t have said what he had. You could have just gotten back on the ship in silence. It would have killed you to keep going, but it couldn’t have been worse than this. It couldn’t have been worse than knowing how Din really felt.
You trudged down to return your key and grab something to eat. Sitting at the bar, you decided that, at least for the day, you would forget about Din. The day was about figuring out how to get back to civilization. However you could, you would return to the half of the galaxy you knew. Mourning and moping could wait.
With some bounce to your step, you headed right to the port, straight into the offices of the stationmaster.
“What can I do for you?” an ambiguous voice said as soon as you entered. You looked around to see where it was coming from. A head popped up from under the desk, followed by the rest of the body, “Sorry, fixing something.”
You smiled. The stationmaster looked incredibly friendly, and you figured an appeal to her sense of humanity would probably work best.
“I um, I was travelling with a guy,” you started, putting on a slightly sad face, making sure your words dripped with loss and longing, “and he abandoned me here. I, uh, I need to get back home. I can do anything. I’m—I’m good at fighting, and I can pilot a ship, and fix things, whatever. I don’t have much money, but I can work. I just want to go home.”
The woman frowned, extending an arm out to your shoulder, “Darling, I’m so sorry. That’s an incredibly rough thing for a lady like you to go through. I’ve got some captains docked here that might need some help. But may I ask, where is home for you?”
You paused. Home. Home was the Razor Crest. Home was travelling. You hadn’t been back to where you were born for over 15 years. You didn’t know if you had family left, but you figured it was better than nothing. Higher education there was good, you could move somewhere else if things didn’t work out, or if you found a job elsewhere.
You nodded at the woman, “Naboo. My home is Naboo.”
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From the moment he reached the door, the only thought in Din’s brain was to turn around, to go back. He had hurt her, he knew that. It was his fault she left. He drove her away. The guilt of that was worse than anything else he had suffered.
Opening the door, he briefly hoped that it wouldn’t be her, that he was on the wrong planet, and had gotten some bad info. It wouldn’t be the first time it happened.
But then he looked into the shop and she was right there, staring down at the desk. She looked exactly like she did when she walked away, 3 years ago.
He took a deep breath, and walked up to her. Sensing his presence, she looked up, giving him a quick once over. No recognition lit up in her eyes, and Din didn’t even realize that was what he had expected until it didn’t happen. She asked him if he needed any help.
“To think you’d recognize me,” he mumbled under his breath. This was definitely a mistake. He’d kept her in the dark for so long, she didn’t even know what he looked like.
-x-x-x-
It had been 13 months before Din found the rest of the galaxy. 13 months without her. After the first three, the navigation system in the Razor Crest broke, and Din had no idea how to fix it. She probably would have known how.
A month of completely blind wandering led him to a planet where he found a small village of the little green creatures that the Kid belonged to. Seemed like they had been missing the little thing.
He knew he should have been happy. Happy that he finally found the planet. Happy for the Kid. Happy for its family. But lifting off from there, after hugging both the Child and its relatives farewell, he felt empty. He had no idea where in the galaxy he was, if he was still even in the galaxy, and without current coordinates he couldn’t plot a route home. And he was completely alone.
Now, after 9 months with no human contact, Din could officially say he had lost it. Wandering the Razor Crest, no armor on, for hours, course set to keep going in one direction until a barrier appeared on the sensors.
He would pace for hours, talking to himself. Replaying the conversations he had with her in his head. Sometimes, he would look up at the door to what used to be her room, and he would think he saw a glimpse of the yellow sleeves of her favorite shirt, and he would dash into her space, apologizing, before collapsing on the floor upon realizing she was gone. Din lost count of the number of hours he wasted crying next to her bed.
Sometimes the ship would stop, having detected an asteroid belt or an uninhabited planet. Sometimes Din would land the ship, and upon confirmation of breathable air, he would walk out and wander the barren surface.
He would wonder why no one had explored this part of space. Why no one came out here to terraform. It couldn’t be that hard, could it? So many of the planets were already halfway there.
A couple times he was lucky to find some edible plants. But now Din was running out of food. He hadn’t planned on so much time without contact, without the nav system, without people. Rationing began after two months, back when he thought he’d find the civilization he knew within another month or so. He was so wrong.
He was sitting in the corner of the ship, almost directly underneath the ladder to the cockpit, where he had been for the past 2 hours. He was scratching patterns into the walls, mumbling to himself. There was not much left within him that could be called human. That had been left behind a long while back.
The ship lurched to a halt, and Din startled out of his semi-unconscious state, jumping to his feet. Scrambling, he climbed the ladder, revealing what had stopped the Razor Crest. It was right in the center of view, through the windows of the cockpit.
A planet.
And not just any planet. This was one he knew. One that lay on the Outer Rim, considered the Last Stop Until Nowhere. He cranked the speed up, and set course to land at the largest city.
As soon as the cargo bay door swung open, Din was running out, wearing nothing but a pair of black pants and a grey shirt.
First stop was a cantina. He practically flew in, startling the bartender and the clientele, but when they realized it was just another guy, the stares turned back towards drinks and food and conversational partners.
Din asked for a drink, any drink, and a lot of food, which he wolfed down, much to the horrified look of the staff.
Two drinks in, Din was finally smiling, happy to be looking at the faces of real, live, sentient beings.
Three drinks in, Din was talking loudly with some guy who had lots of good stories of some dramatic happenings from the marketplace that morning.
Four drinks in, Din was sidling up to a nice looking girl.
Five drinks in, Din had his arm around her, whispering into her ear.
Six drinks in, the two were stumbling out of the establishment, the girl giggling, hands all over him.
He hardly remembered that first night back, just an orgasmic haze full of hot touches and passionate kisses. The next morning he was back in the cantina until he got kicked out, and moved to the next.
A week passed in a blur of alcohol, sex, and food.
Until one day he woke up, completely sober, completely naked, in a bed full of prostitutes he didn’t remember meeting, and remembered everything.
He slipped out as quickly as possible, leaving his entire bag of credits for the women. Upon return to the ship, he closed the door and let go of the body-wracking sobs he was holding in.
She was gone, he was alone. She was gone, and he had just had sex with an unidentifiable number of people, and none of them smiled at him like she did. How could he have forgotten that smile?
He spotted the pile of his armor, a pile tossed aside months ago, hardly touched. The mask sitting on top, staring at him with it’s empty, black, linear excuse for eyes. The feeling in Dins chest felt like it was pounding at his ribcage, wanting out before it exploded.
He stood up and walked to the heap of beskar. He couldn’t destroy it. Beskar couldn’t be destroyed by any normal means, so he powered up the ship and took off.
The Razor Crest groaned. He knew it was on its last legs and if it didn’t get repairs soon, it would be gone from his life too, just like everything else.
Up in high orbit, Din jumped back down to the cargo bay. Ships had mostly lost the need for airlocks, but he did have one for disposal purposes.
In his rage, he put his armor into the small space, pushing it as hard as possible to get it to all fit in, and closed the interior door. His finger hovered above the green button for a fraction of a second before pushing it as hard as he could. There was little sound beyond the creak of the outer door opening and closing.
Din wanted to yell. He wanted to scream in anger at everything that had led him here. All he could do was fall to the ground and sit in silence for a while.
When he stood up, he knew he had just opened a door that closed him off from everything he knew.
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“Excuse me, sir, but we’re closing,” you said, as the guy just blinked back at you and mumbled something. You were planning on closing right on time, but this guy sort of freaked you out, the way he stared at you. You were closing a few minutes early if it meant he would leave and you could go home.
“Sorry,” he said, with a voice that tugged at something deep in your memory, something you couldn’t place, “I shouldn’t have come.”
“Were you looking for anything?” This was definitely the weirdest interaction of the day. While the guy wasn’t exactly unusual, he just didn’t make any sense. He wasn’t here for the art, it seemed.
A slight breeze brushed against your back as one of the droids slid behind you, the air cold on your bare skin. Your top was hardly covering your stomach and back, which while leaving you exposed, did help you fit in a bit more with the locals. Unfortunately, you weren’t outside where it was warm, and you couldn’t help the jerky shiver that overcame you.
“I’m sorry,” the man said, frowning. His eyes had trailed down your body, and were now very obviously lingering at your midriff, probably noticing the scars from all your fights and blaster wounds. You felt exposed. His gaze wasn’t violating, but it felt like it should have been.
“What?” you asked. Sorry was a weird way to start a conversation with a stranger. Unless he was apologizing for coming in a few moments before closing.
“For coming here,” he said, sounding incredibly hopeless. He made to turn around, but you felt the need to reach out.
“Wait, who are you?” you asked. As weird as the guy was, you wanted to know why he had shown up. What he needed.
He took a deep breath before speaking again, “I found the kid’s home planet.”
Holy shit.
Your eyes widened. It couldn’t be. Could it?
“Din?” you asked, your voice coming out as barely more than a whisper.
He nodded.
At that confirmation, you were overcome with the anger you felt last time you looked at him in the eyes. Before you knew it, you were stood up, leaning over the desk. All you could think of was him telling you how he didn’t want to have been in the relationship you had. You raised your hand, and swiped it across his face. Hard.
He didn’t even try to stop you. Even with the obvious wind up. And that’s what broke your heart. You ran around the desk separating the two of you, so you were standing right in front of him.
There was still pain in his eyes, but there was a whole lot of innocence. You had never looked at his face, but it felt a lot like you had seen it, hundreds of times before. You raised your hand to meet his cheek, where the red from the slap was blossoming.
Holding his cheek, you stared into him, and all he did was stare back, too afraid to say something. Too afraid of what you might say.
His face felt the same as you remembered. His eyes were darker than you expected, and his nose wider than it felt, but it wasn’t as shocking as it should have been. It took those few moments standing there to really understand: the man standing in front of you really was the man you walked away from.
You wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into a tight hug, and only then, when your face was hidden from his, did you let out a few tears. You buried your face into his shoulder. He still smelled the same, the mix of sweat and a faint bit of alcohol and spices from a distant planet. He was the same man you left, and you felt some violent crying threatening to erupt if you didn’t say anything.
“I missed you,” you mumbled into his shirt.
“I missed you too,” he whispered back.
You pulled back, blinking a few times to clear your eyes, “Where the hell have you been? 3 years is a long time.”
He looked down at the floor, then back up at you.
“Enough for you to start a business.” He said, with a weak smile.
You scoffed, “Enough for you to break your Creed, what happened?”
He opened his mouth to say something, but you interrupted, “Wait, stay right there. Let me just close up the shop.”
You paused a moment, holding his shoulders down, as if to try to glue him to the spot. Then you walked around the shop, making sure no stragglers were left wandering the room. The droids did a good job of kicking everyone out, but you could never be sure. You walked over to the door, pulling a key out from your pocket to lock it, and flipped the sign to show ‘closed.’
You rushed back to Din, who was still staring right where you left him, looking lost and small. You took pity on the guy. No matter what he had done, he was here, in your shop, looking absolutely ragged, and you couldn’t help feeling like you were looking at him naked, his face felt like forbidden material. You reached out to his hand, holding it in your own.
“Come on, let’s sit down, I want to hear all about it,” you said, leading Din to the backroom. All your droids were gone already, as they usually were just after closing, so you were left finally alone. You pulled out a couple chairs from the edge of the room, dragging them to a table. He sat down slowly, and you noticed the slight shine in the corners of his eyes that only meant tears.
“So, what happened to you, Din?” you asked.
“Well, after you left…” and Din started talking. He told his story, and you sat across from him, watching the pain and longing. You found yourself crying with him, and you reached out and set a hand on his thigh, soft and comforting. He was beautiful, you noticed, haunted and cautious with every action, but when you looked past the beaten down outer shell, Din was nothing but gentle and caring.
Your quick check of the time revealed you had been talking for over an hour. You had shared your story, or as much of it as you wanted to share, and you were realizing the conversation was ending, and you didn’t know what was next.
You hoped, for everything it was worth, that he would stay, but you didn’t know why he had even come, or what he might ask of you. You had set up a life here, one you never expected, but that you loved. It would break you if he asked you to come with him again. And the worst part was that you knew you would drop everything to fly away with him in a heartbeat.
You had fallen silent, and Din had seemed to notice it.
“Hey,” he whispered, “I know you probably h—I messed up. I didn’t mean a thing I said to you.”
You felt your heart stop. All the anxiety, the doubts, the concerns you have about your past relationship—how much you had given to Din, how much you felt you had stolen from him—they were all gone. Somewhere in the past hour, you had begun to understand that that was true, but his words confirmed it.
“I’m sorry. I was mad, and scared,” Din started again. This was a rare display of pure personal openness from him, and you were frozen, staring at him, clinging to his every word. “I left the bed that day because I knew I had broken the Creed, and my guilt had overcome me. I know I should have told you, but I was scared as hell.”
“Scared of what?” you breathed.
“Scared of how I felt. About you,” he glanced down, “I felt like if I told you why I’d left, I’d have to share everything else too, just to explain it. And if you felt the same way, what that would mean… we’d never have gotten to be with each other the same way again.”
He stared at you, and looking into his eyes you knew what he meant. What he had just said, just not with the same words. I love you.
You reached out to hold his cheeks again, this time your thumb grazing across his facial hair, and traced over his lips. You felt his hot breath, slowly passing over your fingers.
You wrapped your other arm around his waist, and with a surge of confidence, you pulled yourself into his lap, straddling him in the chair. Your chests were touching and you leaned your head in. He matched your motion, and your lips met.
You shuddered as he pulled you in, his tongue teasing you open. He held you around the waist with one arm, the other tangling in your hair, his hand warm against your head. You melted into him, sinking into the ease of it. His lips were warm but chapped, the roughness matching the mustache you felt on your upper lip.
It was like finally drinking water in the desert where you met the second time, soothing and easy and perfect. His hand on the small of your back slipped down lower, pulling you closer and you moaned into his lips. It was everything you never let yourself dream of.
You pulled away, slowly, staring into the warmth of his eye, both of you wanting so much more. Your breath was ragged and uneven when you opened your mouth.
“I would have done anything for you, Din,” you said, “I just wanted a life with you.”
I love you too.
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ginny-rose-sixx · 4 years
Text
Panic! At The Airport
Summary: You and Axl are going to visit your family. You flew out one week earlier by yourself so that you could have time with just your twin sisters. Now you are going to pick Axl up at the airport.
Pairing: Axl Rose x Gender Neutral Reader
Words: 2083
Warnings: graphic depiction of a panic attack, swearing
*Edited March 6th 2021* I adjusted things here and there to change this so that it was a gender neutral reader.
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A/N: This is not set in any particular era. Therefore, there may be some elements that seem anachronistic. Also, I have been in a slump with my main story “What the Fork?” (found on WattPad and AO3). This idea came to me at work and I just HAD to write it. It feels good to have written something.
At work I saw a meme describing panic attacks vs anxiety (at the end of the post). Then, I had been thinking about how long it has been since I have had a panic attack. I also thought of the panic attack that got me to realize that I needed to get professional help. I had to pick my boyfriend up from work. My friend was with me and when we got to the parking lot, the only open spots were handicap spaces, spaces for executives, and spaces for law enforcement. I’d had a panic attack and my friend helped me through it.
Panic attacks can be scary, and it can feel as if you’re having a heart attack. If you suffer from panic attacks and want someone to talk to, please, feel free to reach out to me any time.
  *******
 You had no idea why you chose to fly out a week earlier than Axl to spend time with just your twin sisters. The twins were bickering, the airport was packed, and the distance from Axl was weighing heavily on your mind. You were in your sister’s Prius trying to find a space to park and Axl’s flight was supposed to be touching down in 20 minutes.
It was too early to pull up to the doors where passengers exit, and the waiting lot was full. The only open space that you could see was a handicap space. As cars piled up behind you, panic started to rise. Your skin felt tingly and as if bugs were crawling all over you. As you drove in circles your body started to tense up. A sharp, stabbing pain suddenly came in your right shoulder where it met your neck. You paused for a moment and checked the pockets of your discarded coat for your Xanax but only found an empty bottle. *Fuck, the extra bottle is in my suitcase.* Then you looked at your smart watch and saw that the heart rate monitor app showed your heart was beating at 138 beats per minute and it was still climbing. With your whole body tensing up, your chest was constricting. Breathing was getting difficult and you were starting to hyperventilate. You had tears starting to fall and the panic was rapidly increasing.
 Then, thankfully, a car in front of you pulled out. You focused on just getting into the space. Without bothering to park the car you hit the power button. The car stopped and automatically parked. The feeling of panic was not gone yet. You looked at your watch and saw that you were now at 151 bpm. When you noticed the time, a choked sob ripped from your throat. Axl’s plane would touch down in mere minutes.
 When you saw the cars backed up behind you, you realized there was no way you could leave the space. Panic then snapped and flashed through every fiber of your being. You were suddenly slammed with an increase in your symptoms: throat constricting, hyperventilation, sobbing, nausea, chills, and paranoia.
 Feeling confined and trapped by the steering wheel, you scrambled into the back seat. You curled up into the fetal position and started to scratch at scabs on your legs and arms as you rocked back and forth. The sobbing and hyperventilating were making it difficult to breathe. Your thoughts were racing. *Would Axl think that you had left him? Would he think you forgot? Am I dying? Would he hate you? Why would anyone want me, let alone him? I’m having a fucking breakdown over parking spaces.* Similar thoughts kept racing through your mind. Time and the outside world held no meaning. You did not even realize that your phone was almost constantly ringing.
 *** Earlier in the plane ***
 “Please put your seats in their upright positions and fasten your seat belts. We will be beginning our descent shortly.”
 Axl was already sitting up so he fastened his seat belt. Axl took out his phone and smiled at his lock screen. The picture was one of his favorites; you were beaming down at a tiny tabby kitten that you held cradled to your chest. He opened his phone to shoot off a text to let you know that the plane was descending. He shut his screen off and put his phone in his carry-on bag.
 This past week without being able to hold you in his arms was rough. It didn’t help that you were halfway across the country from each other either. Phone calls and texts only went so far. As much as you tried to deny it, Axl knew that you were tense and something was eating at you. He was almost wondering if you were mad at him. He couldn’t think of what might have gone wrong. You had seemed so happy and care free when he dropped you off at the airport last week. He kept pushing those thoughts to the back of his head, and telling himself that everything would be fine once he laid eyes on you.
 By the time the plane landed, he was pretty keyed up by his thoughts. Axl was thankful for being in first class, because it meant he was one of the first people off of the plane. He looked around for you for a few moments, before he realized that you would have to wait by the doors for him. He grabbed his phone out of his carry-on and looked at his notifications. There was nothing except a notification from his weather app stating that it was 70°F and partly cloudy. Axl shot off a text to let you know that he was headed to the baggage claim area. He huffed and shoved his phone into his jacket pocket.
 Axl slung his carry-on over his shoulder and made sure that his hair was still hidden beneath his hat and underneath his leather jacket. He didn’t want to stick out as he made his way through the airport to the baggage claim area. Axl followed the signs and looked for the conveyor belt that his suitcase would be on. Once he got to the right conveyor belt, he pulled his phone out while he waited.
 A frown formed on Axl’s face when he saw that it had been 20 minutes since he texted that he was landing. You still had not replied. You hadn’t even read the messages. He clicked the call button and listened to it just ring and ring. Once he heard your voice mail recording, he started to get pissed. “Y/N, what the hell?! Where the fuck are you? Ugh, I’m grabbing my bag and I’ll be at the pick-up doors.” Axl growled angrily and lowly into the phone.
 Axl shoved his phone back into his jacket once he saw his suitcase. He kept his head down as he grabbed his bags and made his way to the exit. He got outside and looked every which way and there was no sign of you. He didn’t even have a clue what car you were supposed to be driving. Axl waited impatiently. He was pacing back and forth and tried to call you three times in a row. As the people and cars cleared, his anger slowly dissipated, and he started to worry. After most of the people from his flight were picked up, Axl pulled his phone up and he called one of your sisters.
 “Hey it’s Axl. Where’s Y/N? It’s been 40 minutes.” he didn’t bother with pleasantries.
 Your sister was immediately worried, “What do you mean?! Y/N left for the airport a little over an hour and a half ago. It only takes a half an hour to get there!”
 Axl’s eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks and looked around for signs of a waiting lot, “Damnit! Fuck! What kinda car did Y/N drive here?”
 “Y/N took my Prius. It’s black and has a shitload of bumper stickers on the back. You’ll know it when you-“
 Axl saw the Prius in the distance and cut your sister off, “I see it! Thanks!” He hung up without saying goodbye.
 He shoved his phone back into his jacket, grabbed his bags and ran to the car. He was worried when he could not see anyone in the car as he ran to it. Once Axl reached the car, he looked into the back seat. He dropped his bags and swore under his breath. He tried the car door and it wasn’t locked. He went to slowly open the door.
 You were curled up on your side. You were still trembling and hyperventilating. Your heart and thoughts were racing. *I shouldn’t be here. I should have stayed at home with Axl. No! No! He’s gonna be mad! I know he’s fed up with me. Hell, I’m sick of this! I need to get out of here. I need Axl. I can’t do this. I can’t.* The soft noise of the door opening seemed sudden and loud as if a gun went off. It startled you and you scrambled away from the open door and pressed yourself against the opposite door. When you saw Axl, you shouted and started to mumble “no" over and over again.
 Once Axl saw the look of pure terror on your face, his heart shattered. He had to remind himself to tread carefully.  He hadn’t ever seen you have this bad of a panic attack. Axl took a deep breath and crouched down outside of the car. He spoke slowly and softly, “Hey there angel. Can I sit in the car with you?”
 You nodded once and pressed yourself further into the far door.
 Axl sighed, “One sec angel, I’m gonna put my bags in the trunk. I’ll be right back.” When you didn’t respond he just stood up and picked his carry-on and suitcase up off of the ground. Once he had loaded his bags into the trunk, he slowly climbed into the back seat and shut the door. He saw that you had your eyes screwed shut and he thought for a moment before starting to sing softly.
 Shed a tear 'cause I'm missin' you
I'm still alright to smile
Dear, I think about you every day now
Was a time when I wasn't sure
But you set my mind at ease
There is no doubt you're in my heart now
Said "angel take it slow, and it'll work itself out fine"
All we need is just a little patience
Said "sugar make it slow and we'll come together fine"
All we need is just a little patience
 Without looking at him you reached out a hand to Axl. He paused and slowly took your hand. He leaned forward and pressed his soft lips to your palm in a sweet kiss. He laced his fingers together with yours before he continued to sing.
 You squeezed his hand and started to breathe slowly. Your breaths started out shaky as they slowed. With Axl’s hand grounding you, you focused on counting as you breathed. *In, 1, 2, 3, 4, out, 2, 3, 4* You repeated that over and over. As you controlled your breathing, you stopped trembling and your heart rate slowed.
 By the time Axl finished singing, you had sat up and were looking at him. Axl smiled widely at you and said, “Hey there angel. Do you feel a little better?”
 You looked down at your entwined hands and smiled sadly, “Ax I'm so sor-"
 Using his free hand, Axl put his fore finger to your lips to cut off your apology. “Y/N, sweetheart, once I talked to your sister, I was so worried about you. It’s a good thing that this car is so easy to spot.” He paused to take a shaky breath, “I didn’t care about the wait. I only cared about whether or not you were safe. I don’t even want to think about what I'd do if you were hurt.”
 You smiled at him sweetly and moved closer to him. “All the same, I’m still sorry about the worry that I caused. I was just so tense already from the twins arguing with each other constantly. When I got here it was packed and there were cars everywhere. I started to panic, but I forgot my extra meds in my suitcase. Luckily, a space opened up and I was able to park before the worst hit me.”
 Axl placed his free hand on your cheek and slowly ran his thumb along your cheek bone. “I wish I had been here with you angel. I missed you so much and I love you even more.”
 You closed your eyes and pressed your cheek into his warm touch. You smiled and hummed happily.
 A smile spread slowly across Axl’s face. His eyes fell to your lips and he started to lean in slowly. As his face got closer to yours, he could smell the faint strawberry scent of your shampoo. His eyes fell shut just before he pressed his lips softly to yours.
 You let out a soft squeak when you felt Axl’s soft lips against yours. As your lips moved together, the spice of his cologne and the faint scent of leather filled your nostrils. Warmth finally spread throughout your chest.
 Finally, you were calm.
  At last, you felt at home.
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christineeej94 · 4 years
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Fight for love ❤
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a/n: so, i ask my friend @aronthelacosteboy​ to give me a request. i want to see how she is feeling everytime. i appreciate her and her work so much. also, i’m a very proud friend. returning to the subject, i ask her and she give me. thank you and love you 🌻
the request:  Hi! I wanted to request an Arón x reader, ofc if you are writing this kind of stuff. Maybe where Miguel and Arón are having a fight on the set of Élite and when the reader came between them, it finds out that they are fighting for them and the reader admits that he has feelings for Arón and they share their first kiss. 
warnings: i think bad writing and some  inappropriate language
word count: 1183
Today is a great day on set. Everybody is working hard for the last episode of season 3. I remember when I came here for casting. I was there with my best friend, Miguel, he wanted the role of Guzmán Nunier and I was there for the role of Lu. Me and Miguel were best friends for a long time, since high school. Before I start acting in Élite like Polo’s cousin, I had a crush on him, because he is smart and gentle. Then I realized that he is like a brother to me. On our first day on set, when I met everybody, I was feeling like I am part of a big beautiful family. Danna, Ester and Mina taught me so much things, Itzan shared with me his passion for ski and then is Arón. He was the first who help me when I had a panic attack when we were filming the second season. He calmed me and hugged me the whole time. From that day we were good friends but he is very restrictive when it comes to talk about his private life. At the end of season 2 I figured out that I am in love with him. I love everything about him, his cologne, his curls, his eyes and his height. For me is the definition of perfection.  He just sees me like a friend.
 I finished my scene with Alvaro a while ago and now I am going with Mina to grab something to eat. I was starving, so I take a burger and a donut. I seat beside Mina and Itzan, Ester and Omar join us. Miguel texts me to bring a sandwich and some fries for him, but he is late. When we were finished our food, I get up to find Miguel. His food is cold now but still good and I want him eat because he hadn't a chance to have something in his stomach until now. 
 I'm walking to the makeup room when he is suppose getting  done for the scene with Arón.
" You should tell her, Arón, you can't play with her like that." I heard Miguel scream so I walk faster.
 "I'm not playing with anybody, but she is complicated, she is fucking different then other girls. " Arón screams as well and they find me staring in the door of the makeup room. What the hell they are talking about.
 "(Y/N), what are you doing here? You're suppose waiting for me at the cafeteria." Miguel talk to me and I rolled my eyes. He is so bossy sometimes. Arón watch us for a moment and walks away without saying a word. He looks furious and irritated.
" Why are you guys fighting about? " I ask Miguel, but he change the subject very fast.
" Doesn't matter chica, give me some food. " I put he’s food on the table and go outside to get some fresh air. Tonight is the celebration party for the final season. I'm so glad that I met this incredible people. In 5 weeks I want to move to Barcelona, I got a job for a new movie. I didn't accepted yet, but I will do it. I'm not brave enough to confess my love for Aron, I’m such a coward. In this months I was struggling with my myself to tell him what I’m feeling. Tonight I’m going to let him know. If I’ll be rejected I'll be alright. He didn't show that he likes me so I'm fine with the thought that he is going to reject me. the rest of the day  I spend it with Mina and Omar. When I arrive home I was already late. Danna is going to pick me up in 40 minutes so I start preparing myself. I put on a black velvet dress and some high heels. My eyes are waring a bold makeup. I want tonight to be a great night. I want to drink until I get drunk.  In the mirror I'm looking right now is a different girl from that girl how came in Madrid 4 years ago. I'm glowing. I hope Arón is going to remark me, I hope I can make my move and confess my feelings.
 “Hey, beautiful.” I enter in Danna’s car and I hugged her. She is so stunning with her pink overall and her curly hair.“I think I’m going to tell him, Danna” I told her when she stopped at the red light. Danna is supriesed  and doesn't say anything for a couple of seconds.
"Are you sure, (Y/N)?" "I hope he is a smart boy and he doesn't hurt your feelings. You are a jewel, cariña."
 We finally arrive at the party and after a photoshoot with the whole cast we can start the actually party. I get a little bit tipsy after a few hours. Now i'm dancing with Omar on a reggaeton song and I observ Miguel talking with Arón at the bar. Suddenly I was thirsty. I left my partner on the dance floor and being so dizzy I start going to the bar.
"I want to talk to you, mister Lacoste." I approach Arón and he is looking so good in that Balenciaga t-shirt. He came after me on a couch.
"I have something to confess." I screamed over the loud music but he doesn't understand me. He is looking deeply in my eyes and take my hands in his. 
My breathing intensifies and I want to kiss his lips so bad. But I don't have the chance cause he get up and drag me outside.
"¡Joder!" "What do you want, (Y/N), why you are stick your nose in my life and made it complicated." the cold breezze wake me up from my dizziness and realise what Arón is telling me.
"I’m sorry, I think it’s a mistake that I’m here.” I told him and I want to go far away.
 “No, don’t take it that way, I have to tell you something too” he catch my hand and come closer. I feel his breath on my face.
"Ladies first." Aron giggles and I blush. That's the time when I going to screw up everything.
"Forget it, it's nothing important." I whisper and I want to enter back in club.
"Then it's my turn.” Arón took a deep breath “(Y/N), I love you"
First I think he is joking with me but he looks very serious. I feel my heart beating so fast and my hands are shaking.
"I love you too, Arón" I said and he smiles. He is beautiful in every way but when he is smiling is the most beautiful person.
He takes my face in his palms and he approaches his face to mine. Arón pressed his lips against mine. First in a soft, delicated kiss, then becoming more and more special and passional.
"Now, you aren't moving anymore, don't you?" he told me after the kiss and I laughed.
"I don't think so."
"Good, because I want my girlfriend here with me"
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neverleaveyoubehind · 4 years
Text
Teen Wolf : 1x01 “Wolf Moon”
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OMG they look so young! This whole episode has made me feel so old, I can’t believe that it’s been 9 years since this aired. I still remember watching this after middle school and now, it’s been almost a decade, I’m in college , I’m a full adult, unbelievable!
Let’s proceed with the actual reaction, though.
The first scene it’s surprisingly good, I mean, the way it starts all somber with the creepy music, you see all the police department and the Sheriff arriving to the woods, all the police dogs barking , the fog ,... I really liked it. Actually, I had forgotten about this scene in particular.
Like, we actually get to see the Sheriff a little bit, in my mind we weren’t introduced to the Sheriff until later in the episode. That was cool, knowing that he’s the first important character we see (even though you need to be paying a lot of attention to see that it’s him, because they just focus on showing his arm or something like that )
Suddenly, the music changes into an upbeat song, and we are in Scotts house. (God, seeing Scott fixing the Lacrosse stick gave me ALL the nostalgic feelings I could handle) Tyler Posey looks so young, like a little baby, he changes so much during the years. Not like Dylan who looks exactly the same but , with longer hair 9 years later.
Anyway, we have baby Scott (that’s how I will be referring to him for the next 2 seasons aprox) working out , being teenagery , brushing his teeth (his sink worried me a bit, maybe they should think about investing in a new one ‘cause that one looks nasty) Then, he hears a noise and freaks out. BTW, Scotts hair is a whole situation, it’s way too long for such a small face.
He freaks out, gets out of the house with a baseball bat,which might have been the highlight of my day (also,the baseball bat as a deathly weapon was Scott’s idea first ,ladies and gentlemen, let’s take that into consideration) and we are finally introduced to Stiles.
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What better way to introduce him than having him hanging for his first 2 minutes on screen? (he being completely unfazed by it, and carrying the conversation like nothing was wrong, is my favorite thing in the world and the reason why I love Stiles so much) if this whole scene isn’t the reason why everyone kept watching the pilot, Idk what to tell you.
Ok, then, after the best interaction ever, Stiles has somewhat convinced Scott to go look for the body in the woods. Because, yes people, there’s a body , this body is missing a half and Stiles wants to find it. Like, of course he does, this man thinks he’s a detective or something (And yes, I did say a half because we don’t know which part is missing) So, in what has to be the most teenager/peer pressure way (reluctantly following your best friend trough the woods with a murderer on the loose) our story begins.
We have Stiles and Scott walking around trying to find the body (every sentence that leaves Dylan's mouth during this episode is gold, that's really my opinion) Scotty is worried about the prospect of founding not only the body but, the murderer, Stiles is living his best life, joking around, walking way too fast for our asthmatic baby Scott, and that's how they get separated.
We properly meet one of the best characters of the show, the sheriff Stilinski, after Stiles gets scared by another deputy that thinks he’s the murderer, and Stiles leaves with his dad. So, now we have us a baby Scott walking alone, in the dark, back home.
He’s walking for a bit, with creppy background music and various animal noises (the music and the ambiance of this show are great. Props to the music team, honestly) Then, he reaches a clearing in the middle of the forest, takes out his inhaler, and when he is about to use it, a bunch of deer bump into him causing him to fall to the ground and drop the inhaler. (I bet he was more worried about dying crushed by deer than losing it, though) When the deer have gone their merry way,and he no longer thinks he’s going to die, he gets up and starts looking for the inhaler with the light of his cell phone (with the light of the screen to be precise. Scotty isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed), but he doesn’t find his inhaler, he finds... The body (the upper part, in case someone was wondering)
Then, Scotty jumps back from the scare, and falls down a hill. When he gets up, a huge black monster attacks him and baby Scott gets bitten!
(The CGI of the first season is truly horrifying but, don’t panic my friends, it will get better)
Baby Scott runs as good as he can manage ,after being bitten by an unknown huge thing and having lost his inhaler,through the woods until he reaches the road, where he is almost hit by a car (our homeboy Scotty is having a really bad night)
SPOILER
The fact that he gets almost run over by Allison and her mom , who aren’t even in the show yet is amazing. Jeff did truly love this 2 because their storyline is truly wonderful, their whole relationship is handled with such care and a lot of attention to details. It makes my heart soft.
SPOILER
They go to school, Jackson looks like an asshole and turns out to be an asshole, normal High School shit. Scotty shows Stiles his bandage and tells him that a wolf bit him, then Stiles proceeds to laugh his ass off because there hasn’t been wolfs in California in like 60 years (Stiles is the kind of person that knows that type of thing) and , baby Scott tells him that he found the body.
Then this whole hilarious scene happens:
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They go to class and Scotty starts hearing a phone ringing and turns out he’s the only one hearing it (obviously dude, you’re a werewolf) because it’s the phone of a new girl that’s outside of the High School waiting for the headmaster (I guess, I though someone else was but maybe that hasn’t happened,yet) this new girl is talking on the phone with her mom and she realizes that she forgot to bring a pen (really? You forget to bring a pen to your first day of High School? Someone wasn’t prepared)
So the headmaster brings the new girl to Scotty’s class , her name is Allison, and baby Scott has a crush on her the second he sees her (puppy love has never been more fitting )
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Then, he does that whole thing of giving her a pen that she didn’t ask for (if I was Allison I’d be creeped out that someone just gave me a pen after I said outside of the building that I didn’t have one but, IDK, maybe it’s just me)
Anyway, Lydia and Allison become BFFs ,they have Lacrosse practice (we hear the Lacrosse background music for the first time) and surprise, Baby Scott didn’t suck (we also meet Coach aka the most important person of Beacon Hills high school) After school Stiles and Scott go back to the wood to look for the body and the inhaler (seriously, do this kids never learn?) while Stiles jokes about Scotty being a werewolf,and Derek Hale makes his first appearance (God Derek looks like Edward Cullen in this episode) he gives Scott his inhaler back and tells them to get out of his property (like an old man)
Stiles tells Scotty that almost all of Derek’s family died in a fire in his house and baby Scott leaves to go to work. He goes to feed the cats and they freak out, Allison comes to the vet hysterical with a dog she run over , this cutie moment happens :
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Baby Scott is in love, so he asks her out to Lydia’s party that friday, Allison is also in love so she says yes. Scotty goes to sleep feeling on cloud nine and wakes up in the middle of the woods (it was a full moon the night before) he sees the big monster that attacked him the other night starts running and ends up falling in someone’s pool (Baby Scott is way to ripped for an asthmatic little kid but, ok)
He goes to school , Jackson interrogates him about steroids (fuck off Jackson, no one likes you. Well, maybe Lydia, but that’s it) Scotty freaks out about sleepwalking 40 miles into the woods, they go to Lacrosse practice and Scotty makes first line so he’s going to be playing in their first Lacrosse game of the year ,Stiles is suspicious because Scott was awful at Lacrosse like 2 days ago , and suddenly he’s a pro (like he should be, honestly, people should listen to Stiles more)
Stiles goes home researches a freaking ton about lycanthropy and werewolfs and decides that yes, his best friend is a werewolf (just like that, that was his first option and he stuck to it) he calls Scotty, tells him that he should cancel his date with Allison just in case he tries to kill her but Scott ignores him.
Melissa and baby Scott have a nice mother-son moment before his first ever date (with a lot more mentions of teenage pregnancies and underage sex for what one would expect from a first date)
Baby Scott takes Allison to the party, everything is going great, until it isn’t. Suddenly Scott starts feeling the bloodlust and the changes that Stiles had warned him about, so he leaves the party (leaving Allison alone without as mush as an apology, and without a way to get back home) Do not fear, though. Derek offers to take her home so everything’s great.
Scotty goes home while having a whole freak out and tells Stiles (who has followed him because he’s the best friend anyone could ever have) that Derek is the werewolf that bit him. Stiles tells Scotty that Derek took Allison home, Baby Scott leaves to have a fucking argument with Derek, and Stiles goes to Allison’s house (Allison was just fine so Stiles leaves)
Scotty and Derek get attacked by werewolf hunters (needless to say, Scotty won’t be sleeping in a while)
In the morning Stiles picks him up from the woods. At school Scotty apologizes to Allison, she forgives him because they are in love (or stupid , if I had been left like that in the first date I wouldn’t have forgiven him) and we are introduced to Allison’s dad
Wait, did I say Allison’s dad? I meant the werewolf hunter that tried to kill him the night before.
Wow that was a roller coaster of emotions ! What did you guys think? Did you remember all of what actually happens ? Did you also realize that you’ve been mixing what happens in each season together into one big season? Because I did
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cafedanslanuit · 4 years
Note
Hello! I’m not sure if you’re taking requests right now but is it okay if I request how RFA will react when they find out MC hides about her depression and anxiety because she doesn’t want them to think she’s crazy? I’m going through a lot at the moment and reading these helps me a lot. I’m sorry if this is triggering T-T and thank you in advance
I really hope you’re feeling better. Take it one day at a time and talk it out with someone you trust, it really helps.
Yoosung
Yoosung had always been messy and will always be messy
You usually don’t care too much but lately it’s been getting on your nerves
The last drop is when you find the knives in the napkins drawer
You know it’s not that big of a deal but it’s been happening and lot and these days you just can’t bear with it
You start crying and feel you can’t breathe properly anymore
Yoosung is fucking scared
“Please!! Please, leave everything where it belongs, I– I can’t and…”
“But MC, I didn’t know it bothered you so much, I’m sorry, I–”
“No, Yoosung, I’m tired, I just want a clean place I want everything in its place and I just want the changes to stop, I want it to stop, everything to stop”
He’s not the brightest, but he soon realises you’re upset about something else
Softly he moves forward and starts putting everything in its place. He doesn’t know why it bothers you, but he knows it will make you feel better
You start feeling better, but soon realize you’ve yelled at your boyfriend
You don’t know how to say sorry
“Wanna watch a movie?” he suggests, pretending nothing happened. You joined him and cuddled up on the couch
By the end of the movie, Yoosung pauses it and kisses your cheek
“Are you okay?”
You really don’t want to say anything. You haven’t talked about it with anymore yet.
“I don’t know. I… there’s been too many changes lately. I changed majors and now I’m living here for a while and also that thing with my mom and… I don’t know, I just want something to be the same. I need some order in my life”
He nods and puts his arms around you
“I’ll do my best” he promises “But please know it will go away. You’ll feel better. I never thought I would be able to laugh out loud again and then I met you. You just need some time to adapt”
How can your boyfriend be so lovely
A+
You put on another movie and cuddle up again. This definitely makes you feel better
Zen
He’s the one that will stay up late talking it out with you
He knows what’s like having a hard childhood and it sometimes comes back to him
So it’s not rare for either of you to stay up late on the sofa talking endlessly
You were surprised how easy it was to talk about what made you insecure with him
At first, you didn’t want to share you personal things and Zen could tell. It didn’t matter how he asked you to tell him what was wrong
So then, he tried telling you about his childhood, about the neglect he felt from his parents and brother
And then, telling you about the days when everything seems a little bit grayer became easier
He would pour tea for the both of you and rub your legs while you talked about something that troubled you
He also found it was easier for you to talk about it when he let you play with his hair
He never let anyone do that, but if it made you feel better, he would try it all
When the topic was about being insecure, he would cover your face with kisses, rejoicing in the sound of your laughter
He would braid your hair and you loved it
He had asked the hairdresser at the play he was on to teach him a couple of braids
Sometimes you thought he wanted to initiate sex, but when it came to making you feel better, he would only stick to soft, small kisses on your face, shoulders and hands.
He would tell you over and over how perfect and how lucky he is to have you in his life.
Jaehee
Jaehee hadn’t noticed until she saw a small blood stain on the pillow
She hadn’t cut herself and neither of you were on your period, so it didn’t make sense
She asks you what it could be but you shrug it off
She let it pass, but it had been three days finding different blood stains and she was running out of fresh pillow cases
So she stays up one night, trying to figure out what’s going on
That’s when she sees you biting your nails.
You fall asleep a while later and your girlfriend sees you grabbing the pillow, completely unknowingly.
So the next day after work, she says she wants to talk
She starts telling you about her past
Jaehee had had anxiety episodes in the past but with the help of her psychologist, she was better
Yes, you were surprised when you heard that becaase Jaehee was always incredibly busy, how did she manage to find the time for therapy?
She told you about her panic attacks and how bad they were
So the therapist didn’t became an option, it became to only way out
She still goes once a week for a 40 minute session on work time
Jumin said he needed to have Jaehee available at all times, so if she needed therapy to be the best assistant she could be, so be it.
C&R insurance was great
You’re a nail biter when you’re anxious
So she will take your hand while you’re watching movies to help you relax and try to find comfort in other things rather than your habit
She’s not the best at talking about feelings but will definitely do her best to hear you out
Anytime, any day, anywhere
She wants you to know you can depend on her
Jumin
“Hello, darling”  you greet Jumin when he returns to the penthouse after work.
It used to be exhilarating for him when you welcomed him home. It felt like you were already married
But lately, he can see you forcing your smile
An it breaks him
He thinks maybe you’re too tired of organising your wedding. You have meetings all day long and have to deal with lots of people yourself
He offers hiring a wedding planner, but you decline. You tell him you can do this.
One night, after changing into his pajamas, he went to the kitchen to pour himself a glass of wine. He saw you walking around the living room, looking for something desperately.
“What are you searching for, love?” he asked
You didn’t answer
He tried asking again and you finally face him. You face is red, your eyes wide open, your hair messier than usual
You tell him you can’t find some documents for the venue. You just had them that afternoon and you can’t find them anymore.
Jumin started looking for them with you but it’s hopeless
“What documents exactly? I’m sure they have a copy and we can get them to send them again so you c–”
He stopped himself when he saw you crying
“Please, let me hire a planner. You’re too tired, it’s devastating to see you like this. Please, MC. We can even have interviews so you pick them”
You shook your head. He embraced you softly, afraid you’ll reject him. But you scooted closer to him, trying to concentrate in the smell of his cologne.
“MC, please. I can’t stand watching you like this everyday”.
“I need to do this, Jumin. I need to. I– I need to focus on this because I don’t want to– I don’t want to start thinking again, I can’t”
“Think about what?”
“I feel so awful about myself lately. I– I don’t know why this happens, I don’t know why I feel the need to disappear but it’s hapenning again so close, so fucking close to our wedding and I thought– I though if I was busy taking care of it I would be too tired to think about it, about how I’m feeling but I can’t, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I lost the document and I keep messing this up so much I can’t, I cant”
You were crying even more than before.
Jumin isn’t the best handling feelings or talking about them, so he just hugged you tightly, trying to tell you it’s safe to open up. You’re safe now that he’s there.
You stayed there a couple of minutes and then he took you to the bathroom. You sat on the toiler lid and saw him preparing a bath. He checks the temperature and then places a soft kiss on your forehead.
“Take your time. I’ll be waiting for you in your bedroom”.
You were staying in the guest’s bedroom until you were married. He had tried giving you the suite but you declined.
Jumin went there, sat on the bed and waited for you.
Half an hour later, you entered the bedroom wearing a fluffy white robe.
He helped you get on the bed and laid by your side, his arms around your body, trying his best to make you feel safe.
“I’m in love with you, MC. I think you’re the best woman I’ll ever meet. I still don’t get how I got so lucky, but I thank whoever put you in my path, because I can’t wait to make you my wife. So please, I’m begging you. Don’t be so hard on the woman I love” he said softly, and kissed the back of your head. “Whenever you’re ready to talk, I’m there. Just call me. Anyday, anytime”.
You intertwined your fingers with his and nodded.
Maybe the next day he could offer a consult with a psychologist so you can talk about whatever is troubling you so much.
But that night, he just wanted to hold you close.
Saeyoung
Oh boy, he knows how bad it can get
In fact he knows how to tell if it’s getting bad again for you
It starts small
It’s a day you don’t eat lunch because you were too busy
But he doesn’t see you anything else to make up for it
Or those night he stays up working and sees you relentlessly turning around in your bed, unable to fall asleep
Or when you’re watching a movie together and you cry when something bad happens
You usually cry with sad movies, yes, but he can tell when it seems you can’t stop crying and he just knows it’s not about the movie anymore
He knows he can’t help, there isn’t a button he can press to fix you
So he really tries
He knows it feels
When he sees you can’t fall asleep, he gets into bed with you. He would wrap you with his arms and pull you close. He would whisper sweet nonsense to your ear and kiss your head and shoulders to make you smile again.
He noticed you fell asleep faster when you were with him
So he did his best to change his schedule so he can work in the morning and cuddle you at night
He fails, because sometimes, after you fall asleep, he goes back to work
But you still love him for trying
He knows when your episode is going away too
You start falling asleep faster and eating snacks between meals
He knows you’ve never openly told him about your episodes, but he knows that when you’re ready, you’ll talk about it
As of now, he’s content to help you get through it
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pennswoodsman · 3 years
Text
I’m at the Acme on Passyunk ave with my dad. I’m really struggling to keep my head up lately. I made the mistake of deciding to let my prescription for Zoloft run dry to see if I still need it. Clearly I do. This last week on several occasions I got triggered with something then fall into a crippling depression for the next few hours, sometimes until the next day.
I got a raise at work for the first time in 4 years. At first I was thrilled. Then I find out it’s because their minimum wage has increased and they had no choice but to raise it. So....I haven’t bothered to tell anyone. It doesn’t feel like a victory. In fact it depressed me knowing that I’m now just making the banks minimum wage, I went from being a supervisor to an aimless loser making shit wages...again.
A few days later I’m at the Amity park for an ice cream social with the boys. This is the first time I’ve been to this park in about 5 years. A sudden rush of memories of being happy with Dawn and socializing with other parents and their kids overcomes me. I find myself again re-living all of Dawn’s lies and the hurtful things she said and did in 2017 and 2018. I realized I was about to have a panic attack right there and then...while I was waiting in line for ice cream with the boys. I was trying so hard to be pleasant and strong for Kevin and Nate, but I felt that god awful nothingness in my chest and that feeling of about to tear up. Plus my teeth were sore from clenching my jaw so much. I drove home feeling exhausted. I felt a little better hanging out with the boys and watching a movie together.
Now it’s Thursday and I have a long shift. I am so depressed I can barely speak above a whisper. Everyone is annoying me. At one point a team member puts me on mute to talk to a customer and I start looking at naked chicks on Reddit. Without thinking about it I mutter to myself “man, that’s an edible vagina” to suddenly realize I said that while on mute, not on hold. I panic and hang up. It’s a recorded line and now I am wondering if it’s only a matter of time before they hear it and fire my ass.
That night, I had a series of nightmares. One was right when I first fell asleep. I was driving the Rogue by myself late at night. It was somewhere in Berks county. I felt really out of it, like I was drugged up on prescription meds or something. I accidentally drove up on the sidewalk and just stopped myself from crashing into a tree. I continued to drive even though I knew I was severely impaired. I was reversing to get back on the road and I ended up driving off the road again, this time going into the woods. My seatbelt was wrapped around my right arm, pinning it against my chest. I was trying to free it with my left hand but it kept slipping out of my fingers. I finally got it out but, right on queue, the car slide down a refine and off a cliff. I calmly watched the car plummeting toward the ground through the windshield. I said “goodbye world” and I knew that was it. I woke up with a jolt as the car was literally about to smash from 200 feet.
A couple of days later I was on Reddit again and a man who was in his 40s was asking a question in “dating over 40”. The man said he doesn’t have a good job, his mother pays his mortgage and grocery bills and is this a deal breaker for the ladies. Not that I was shocked by this, but I don’t recall a single woman saying anything but negative things. Saying why would anyone want a loser? Why would anyone want a man who can’t take care of himself? Etc. I sent him an encouraging message to not listen to them, shit happens and if you have a parent who can afford to help you it shouldn’t be the end of the world. I then suggested to not mention his mother pays his mortgage and other bills until a few months in so that way, she could get the know the “real you” and not pre judge you. Some random woman sent me a reply stating that not telling his dates right away is being manipulative. I honestly don’t agree. Since when do you discuss how you pay your mortgage and bills in the first few months of a relationship? I know I never have and would never ask. I said that and all she said was “look up manipulative in the dictionary”. It made me remember how Dawn claimed I was manipulative without even the seeing the slightest bit of irony in that accusation and it got me spiraling towards another panic attack.
Which brings me to today. I worked my Saturday shift, gathered as many family photos to bring to my dad’s house as my trunk would carry and headed out. I put on the “AskReddit” things to hear about entitled celebrities from the stage hands. Once that story is done it automatically went to “ladies what are examples of a man child?” By the first 5 minutes I was so depressed I could barely lift my head up. I am a fucking man child. My house is filthy, I have a shit job and my father pays my way through life. I have a brand new car which is normally a thing to be proud of but I find myself feeling shame that it wasn’t me who paid for it. I feel massive shame for almost being 46 and still dependent on my father. I feel massive shame for being 46 and still having no real career to speak of. For having this generous GF who deserves such a great man but sometimes I feel like she deserves better than I.
The thing is, it hasn’t even really been a bad week per se. Kristan got us SECOND ROW TICKETS FOR DEAD AND COMPANY!! She loves Jimmy Buffett, which is great because making the leap from Buffett to the Dead really isn’t that big of a change. Plus she has heard Scarlet Begonias live a ton of times and didn’t even realize it was originally a Dead song. Her birthday was last week and I wanted to send her some Scarlet Begonias from a florist. I checked all the websites of the local florists and none of them had any. So, I ordered some faux ones from Target. I also got her Jimmy Buffett tickets this coming August. Mine are only lawn seats though. So, not quite as awesome. I did agree to wear a grass skirt and coconut tits at the show. Hey, when in Rome, right?
Sigh....
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