reading bad analysis of ep 33 is like. why is everybody suddenly an expert on reading sexual body language when it's convenient to rape apologism. can you all shut up. i mean, there's absolutely value in looking at utena's feelings about the whole thing seperately from like. the morality of it. because it's true that she doesn't realize she was raped. but that doesn't mean that you as the viewer with perspective enough to KNOW BETTER should also think that. fuck off

How does someone know the difference between being a system or just having a really fluid/unstable personality/identity? like In bpd or in any way

In the eyes of the inexperienced, this really is a tough job to know wether a person is a system, or just having an unstable foundation of self (bpd) but thankfully for you, I know how. As a system myself who is a bpd holder, with another friend i have with bpd itself,, i will give you this comprehensively detailed (but compacted) answer:

Am i a system?:

There are some highlights that shows someone is one by having a plethora amount of dissociative symptoms, constant shift in identity, unexplainable memory gaps, people seeing them as inconsistent within various aspects (likes and dislikes, etc), places felt unfamiliar, caught yourself having different accents and handwritings and even walking, feels like you are not control in your body, alters as voices that are consistent with it’s own opinions and preferences.

Do i have bpd?:

While it looks similar when compared by a system, there are some different features it represents itself by unable to be consistent due to not having any genuine value in preference and etc, constantly influenced by other people, have episodes of identity crisis, needing comfort from people, constantly unhappy with its current self, devalues itself thinking it is unworthy of any kindness, fear connections, have a high degree of distrust, lives up to the motto: “i am the problem”, highly likely being passive aggressive and isolating due to no healthy social skills, black and white thinking, can have episodes of “im the best”. The similarities that it can have from systems can be seen by some form of dissociation and or anger issues to cope as well as negative voices.

Do i have both?!:

You absolutely can and thats the least wanted option i could wish for yet still unlucky enough to draw this lottery.. anyway, this is a bonus answer. Be it a holder (like me, which means no one else is affected and im jealous af) or in the genes (the collective is affected) i doubt it has any difference so from my perspective, it can look as having dissociative symptoms as well as cognitive dissonance, obviously have alters, more likely to split due to the nature of bpd’s constant distress and questioning (yeah its a thing, thats me right there), also a general sense of distrust especially due to severe trauma, obsessive with Favorite Person, tend to always rely on someone in filling their needs or helped due to 0 independence (it might be different for others, maybe the opposite by trying to be super self sufficient), still have identity confusion, poor memory alongside with gaps. Basically overlaps the two as the general idea but i did some examples, its not the whole list because its way too many..

Nonetheless, this might still be helpful to you as i believe,, this is my own view of what is a system and or bpd so im still reccomending you to do extra research, and goodluck in doing so! (Im sorry for not writing the whole thing)

- j

Thoughts on the core trio? If you don’t want to answer them in one ask then you can just do Frankie

CHARACTER OPINION MEME || { ACCEPTING }

Anonymous Wishes || Core Trio Gen 1 (Frankie, Draculaura & Clawdeen)

Good thing I have the braincell! I decided to do all three. This is gonna be a bit of a long post so bare with me.

Frankie is the perfectly imperfect main ghoul

As far as it comes to the main, even as one of the ones shown the most, I feel like they did a good job with Frankie's character. She's not just a teen monster at Monster High, but THE teen to help you guide through it and relate to. I thought I wasn't going to like Frankie as much because of how they constantly show her most of the episodes but she balances out with her freaky flaws and difficult struggles.

Frankie's personality is what you expect for a teen experiencing High School life for the first time and is trying to fit in while going on a journey. And she takes us on the journey pretty well. She understands and learns along the way, is VERY protective of her friends and loves them enough to even DIE for them. She gets major credit for that. Plus even when the movie does focus on her, she never really overshadows the other monsters. Instead it feels like she brings them into the fold.

If there's any teen you can relate to the most, it would be Frankie in this series.

Clawdeen the fashionista is a good main that struggles

Ngl, Clawdeen was annoying at the start of her introduction, coming off as a bit of a hypocrite to contradict what she says. But eventually she builds up better from that. Clawdeen is the kinda ghoul that you wanna see throw down and look good doing it. Like her only time she threw hands was during 13 Wishes (best boovie of all) when she finally got to PUNCH someone!

Clearly Clawdeen is the tough ghoul who dreams big and even though she wasn't expanded as much ad Frankie and Draculaura, there were times I understood her plight. Like wanting to impress the people you look up to (she and Howleen are alot alike than they think), dealing with complicated younger siblings in the same school and trying to NOT knock the other monster who is giving you and your friends flat so you don't get suspended.

Scaris happens to be one of my favorites because of how it balances out and how Clawdeen got to balance herself out and learn along the way. She started off stagnant but develops along the way. She's honestly the one in the trio that needs to be exploited more.

Draculaura... the over populated one

Yeah I'm gonna say it: she's overrated (Love you Sam but not sorry!). I mentioned before that Draculaura is listed as one of my top five LEAST favorite characters, but it's not because she's a bad character. She has good morals, she supports her friends and deals with her own struggles. But its more like she's... overly spoiled? Like it's clear she is the brand favorite if you look up how she has the most amount of dolls in the franchise. And even in the remakes she lives one of the best lives in the monster world.

As for her character in itself, I honestly have a hard time sympathizing with her. Even when the movie focuses on her such as WHY DO GHOULS FALL IN LOVE or FRIGHTS,CAMERA, ACTION, the movie instead overshadows the plot for something Laura wants rather than something important such as NOT LETTING DISCRIMNATION RUN FOR THE MONSTER WORLD VAMPIRES!

Draculaura can also be invasive at times to the point where its uncomfortable for the ghouls such as GHOULS RULE on trying to force Clawdeen on a date with a guy (before she's canonically a lesbian). She WAS the head of the gossip pool before Spectra came along. And also she tends to be over-materialistic. If it wasn't for the amount of money or hierarchy she has, I'm pretty sure she and Cleo would be banned from every kind of transportation system EVER. I'm also kind of bitter for the webisode 'Draculocker' of how instead of giving her some kind of infinite purse like Jimmy neutron style, they fill up the school with giant lockers so she can store stuff. THIS IS NOT HOW YOU SOLVE YOUR HOARDER PROBLEM!

So yeah for Draculaura, not hate but they could've done better with her character and humble her down. There are other monsters in the franchise that deserve limelight time.

Fic Writer Questions

Thanks for the tag @anything-thats-rock-and-roll :D

1. How many fics do you have on AO3? 26

2. What’s your total AO3 word count? 25, 570

3. What fandoms do you write for? Except for a few one-offs and my 3 Anne With An E fics, I write Lockwood & Co. 💚⚔

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

After Chameleon, an unbetad Miraculous Ladybug salt fic written before the actual episode had come out. It accidentally blew up asldkfjhjkl

On My Mind, a Detroit: Become Human rk1k ficlet where Connor can read minds.

All the Words I Don't Have, pure grade A Locklyle fluff

are we out of touch, are we out of time? AWAE Season 3 speculative fic that is actually an expanded version of a tumblr post I wrote after the penultimate episode of the series premiered.

wavering, my cot3 pining + character study fic. I'm really proud of it and I promise chapter 3 is coming eventually lmao

5. Do you respond to comments? I don't 😭 I want to but I never know what to say and before I know it, the comment is 2 years old oops. I reread comments all the time ❤

6. What’s the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending? That's tough to say for sure but I think every lessons forms a new scar ending with an off-screen character death is probably the most angst I've ended with so far.

7. What’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending? That would have to be All the Words I Don't Have again. Everything is beautiful and nothing hurts. And Lockwood writes some really bad poetry.

8. Do you get hate on fics? Not so far.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind? I do sometimes, and it's not published yet.

10. Do you write crossovers? What’s the craziest one you’ve written? Another Change of Plans is the most tumblr WIP I have lol. It dares to start asking the question, "What if the Old Guard adopted Adam Young, the antichrist from Good Omens?"

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? Not that I know of.

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before? Sort of? There was one collab fic I wrote a scene for but it never got finished. Someday I might post my part, because ngl I'm pretty proud of the Skull/Lucy banter in it.

13. What’s your all time favorite ship? How could I ever choose??? By bookmark stats, it would be Marinette and Adrien from Miraculous Ladybug. But cot3 (Lockwood & Co) and Superbat (DC) are up there too.

14. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will? A better question is what isn't a WIP I'll never finish??? I have dozens 😭 Though one that stands out is an old Frozen fic I outlined in I think 2018(?). The premise is a canon divergence where Anna's death is faked when they're children and she's raised in the village instead of in the castle. There are two full acts that are just set up for a The Prince And Me/Princess Diaries-esque rom-com between suddenly-a-princess Anna and just-a-normal-guy Kristoff.

The outline on its own is about 8k words, and frankly I've considered editing and posting the outline itself before because it's detailed enough. This fic is actually a drabble I wrote to take place within my AU, but it reads canon compliant enough of its own so I posted it.

15. What are your writing strengths? Ideas. I am always getting new plot bunnies, always getting excited about the next great idea, always thinking about new aspects of these worlds and characters I want to explore.

16. What are your writing weaknesses? Dialogue and volume. That's why I write so many descriptive, very short fics XD

17. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic? I'd only do it in a language I've studied for a couple years, and even then I would want a native speaker to read over it for me. But it hasn't come up yet?

I do really like Superbat or Star Trek fics where the author sparingly includes Kryptonian / Klingon / Vulcan with a translation at the end.

18. First fandom you wrote for? My Little Pony, or maybe Percy Jackson?? I'm too scared to check my old accounts to see which came first, if I ever even posted the fics I remember writing then at all.

19. Favorite fic you’ve written? building glass castles for sure!!! I love the atmosphere in it, and the monologue from Skull. That monologue came to me in the middle of the night once, so I had to type it up immediately and build the fic around it later.

No pressure tags @sabetha @synestheticwanderings @abumperprize @lenacarstairspotterstewart @woahpip @flythesail @shizuoi

SaL anon here friend and it's Friday, i'm getting over my 12th cold since the year started, and AO3 is down so if you don't mind I'll be ranting about my recent Buddie thought. So with all the discourse over if Buddie is actually happening I've been thinking about scenes and got stuck on 4x14. As you've noted that episode would be pretty shitty without Tim's scenes, and I'm fascinated by the choices made in the scene where Buck talks to Chris. Obviously we start with Buck barely holding it

together when he enters. They talk, and then Buck gets that text that Eddie is going to be okay. And he just breaks. Now if this was JUST about Buck having to tell his BFF's kid bad news, when Buck gets that text shouldn't he have been relieved and happy?? Isn't that what his reaction you'd expect if the same had happened to Chim or Hen? But it doesn't happen here and it's easy to say after everything, he's just so relieved but that's a pretty specific reaction. I'm thinking something like Sense and Sensibility, when Eleanor cries finding out Edward isn't married and forever beyond her reach. Its the reaction you'd expect from someone who's had to think about never having this person in your life and finding out it's not going to happen and hate to tell KR, that is NOT a platonic reaction. I don't know why that got stuck in my head recently, but I blame the absolute boredom of last season for not giving me something better to think about.

Oh no! I’m so sorry you’re struggling to stay well. 🥺 Also, Ao3 like...cannot be down, WTF are we all supposed to DO with ourselves? Introspection? Chores? Stop procrastinating on what we’re supposed to be doing? Sleep? I think TF not! Looks like “bitching about things” it is! Bring it on!

Okay, so you know my thoughts about the shooting specifically being good, but 4x14 in general being way overrated just because of a couple scenes which ignores how KR sidelined the firefam from Eddie’s injury/recovery and also sidelined EDDIE himself from what should have been his own story. (Unlike Buck who still got to have a whole spin-off thing from his ladder truck injury. At the time it happened it was about Bobby, but Buck still got to be centered in his injury and recovery, just saying). 

ANYWAY, that all aside, you bring up a VERY interesting point which is one of the things that people latch on to about this episode, and that, as you pointed out, nearly didn’t exist because KR didn’t think the audience needed to see Buck telling Chris about what happened to Eddie and Tim put his foot down. Now ostensibly, that was because Tim knew the dynamic is a favorite and a scene like that is right at the heart of the show and something at the time it was known for doing and doing well. However what we got was NOT an adult telling a kid some tough news, stepping out to take a call about an injured co-worker, letting out a shaky breath and sigh of relief, then returning to the kid to cheerfully give them the good news. Instead we saw someone the kid trusts enough to run away to when he’s upset, struggle to form the words, and then have a full-on sobbing breakdown when he found out his...”friend” made it through surgery while being comforted by the kid like they are a family. Not like Buck is just a co-worker and “dad’s friend” coming tell Chris what happened before leaving him to his grandparents or something like you would see if they were just “normal” friends. Tia Pepa and Abuela are still around, we see them at Eddie’s party, but it’s never even suggested that Chris stay with them, or one of them come stay at Eddie’s. Like????? They both used to watch Chris before and Chris is much older at this point and Carla is around to help. There’s ZERO reason why the two of them couldn’t come stay and watch out for Chris, or Eddie’s mom couldn’t come in from El Paso right away. I just...WHAT IS THE REASON?!

We have seen several members of the firefam get hurt and the only time Buck came anywhere even close to how he’s reacted to Eddie being in danger is finding Maddie in the woods and even that he’s able to be focused and present on her and is just relieved they found her. With Eddie, he’s completely lost and has to have Bobby pull him together during the well incident, and during the shooting Buck freezes first, then saves Eddie but looks one second from falling apart the whole time, and the second he isn’t actively keeping Eddie alive, he’s nearly catatonic. Speaking of other members of the firefam, we saw Bobby’s reaction to Athena being attacked, and Maddie breaking down sobbing (very much like Buck did with Chris) when she hears that Chim is alive, and how Chim broke talking to and about Maddie in regards to her leaving, hell we literally JUST saw in Tomorrow Hen having the exact same reaction to Karen nearly dying and the way she broke down when they got Karen’s pulse back and handed her off at the hospital. The parallels there are....very loud. Which begs the question WHY was Tim so adamant that this scene take place and give us all of that, only to ultimately do nothing with it? BRB gotta go scream into the woods about this for a bit.

“I don't know why that got stuck in my head recently, but I blame the absolute boredom of last season for not giving me something better to think about.” Okay but for REAL it is *crickets* out here right now. Probably because we went through 9 hours of show that was about 6 hours of filler that didn’t tell us anything at all. Not a great thing when your show is going to be off the air for 3 months.🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️🤷🏻‍♀️

Thanks for giving me something to do while waiting for Ao3 to come back up, I am always here for the salt and the general “WTF is all this then?”-ness. And as always, it’s a delight hearing from you. Let’s all manifest some direction for 6b, a return to emergencies that mean something and actually pertain to the main characters and their arcs, FINALLY some good Ravi content, and most of all, Buck and Eddie being allowed to be friends on screen again. Considering that was something very loudly mentioned all season across the board, hopefully someone took some notes. Until then, I’m always here for your rants- excited, frustrated, or otherwise! 

sending you Michiru and Makoto :)

:'D aaa thank you!!

Michiru: (whom @docholligay also asked for 👀)

Why I like them: she's beauty. she's grace. she's the most dangerous person in the room. she's dragging me for filth and I'm thanking her for deigning to notice I exist at all

Why I don’t: hmm... well I don't like that she's never canonically kissed her wife onscreen I'll tell you that :(

Favorite episode (scene if movie): that special with the creepy puppet is like PEAK Michiru for me

Favorite season/movie: I still can't make myself watch Stars even though I know there's good things there, so that only leaves S :(

Favorite line: she has so many good lines. probably the one that guts me most though for a bazillion reasons: I like your hands.

Favorite outfit: this blue dress ;-;

OTP: Harumichi. is there even another answer to this one

Brotp: REALLY this is Doc's fault since it's entirely based on how she writes their dynamic but Rei!

Headcanon: this is just bc I think it'd be really funny but I don't think she can sing, like, at all. master violinist but if she sings in the shower Haruka comes knocking on the door like are you dying?? are you okay?? I have my sword ready!!

Unpopular opinion: I didn't think it was unpopular due to the circles I run in but apparently some people think she's naturally and uncomplicatedly kindhearted and nice?? that woman is made of marble and displayed behind velvet ropes and you will never touch her. sorry.

A wish: I think she should get to stab someone. as a treat

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: if Haruka dies before she does the world is ending

5 words to best describe them: (counting on my fingers.) carefully composed silk-covered steel.

Mako:

Why I like them: buff bi femmes with big hair are exactly my type 😞 AND she's a sweetheart, and honest to a fault, and sometimes a little bit dense, and reckless with her own safety for the sake of people she cares about, and -

Why I don’t: this is not her fault but I find the "a new crush every day" trope a little tired :/

Favorite episode (scene if movie): my immediate reaction is 147... 🥺 as with all the heart mirror/crystal/doodad of the week stuff there's some stuff we are not talking about but. there are also,, some very good things. also really enjoy 105 as a Mako-centric episode!!

Favorite season/movie: this is such a tough one. the first season I guess?? I like seeing the dynamics between everyone form ahaha

Favorite line: "I'M THE ONE WITH THE MOST TALENT HERE"

Favorite outfit: ROSE DRESS ROSE DRESS ROSE DRESS

OTP: Makoami...... shocking approximately no one lol

Brotp: Usagi! I like their friendship a lot :')

Headcanon: she doesn't have room for a garden given she lives in an apartment but I just know she has a bunch of little herb plants in pots on her windowsills. the mint is quarantined to its own window though after she lost her first rosemary plant to it deciding it needed ALL the pots for itself, actually

Unpopular opinion: it SHOULDN'T be unpopular given that it's CANONICAL but she is both muscular and feminine!!! both things can be true!!! PUT MORE BUFF WOMEN IN PRETTY DRESSES I AM BRANDISHING A FORK AT EVERY OTHER FAN ARTIST IN THE WORLD

A wish: for her to get to wear more pretty dresses. if I say it enough times will someone listen to me do you think

An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: my dear we are DONE letting your big heart be taken advantage of by insincere and villainous parties!!

5 words to best describe them: the foundation you stand on.

Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

Hello @dnana-2809-blog!

Wow, that's a great as well as tough question. I typically think of my favorite stories, which is hard enough, but favorite characters, not something I have thought too much about because I've come across so many characters I've loved. Anyways, here's my current top 10 really in no particular order:

Sabine Wren from Star Wars Rebels

Amelie Poulain from Amelie

Sean Diaz from Life is Strange 2

Alyssa Greene from The Prom

Percy Jackson from lots of Rick Riordan novels

Anya Forger from Spy x Family

Aki Hayakawa from Chainsaw Man

Sal Fisher from Sally Face

Katsuki Yuri from Yuri on Ice

Trevor Watson from The Goes Wrong Show

Sabine Wren

One of the main reasons I fell in love with Sabine is how she uses art as a form of rebellion. As someone who is involved in and generally loves the art, I loved that this aspect of fighting/speaking up was incorporated into Star Wars. Also, just the idea that art can make such a loud statement really spoke to me.

And while there were only a few moments here or there, I also loved how Sabine was not only an artist but an arts appreciator too. The beauty she saw in others works and the details and meanings behind her own was cool to see.

Additionally, while Sabine was characterized to be this very strong and determined individual, I loved the moments where she was able to open up and be vulnerable. Most of these moments happened around mid-season 3 to the beginning of season 4 when Sabine learned how to wield the Darksaber and returned to Mandalore. It's this sort of complexity how behind her strong-front, there is another, internal self that is wrestling with all these demons. Maybe not the most unique thing about her, but I think Tiya Sircar's performance really helped to elevate the emotions and difficulty Sabine has about facing her past.

Sabine being the first listed on my top 10 favorite characters may actually be true. When creating this name, Dakota Wren, Sabine was/is such a beloved and inspirational character that I wanted to incorporate her and her spirit into my name, perhaps even honor what she means to me.

Amelie Poulain

I was first introduced to the story of Amelie through its musical adaptation. I had heard about the film, but it was listening to the musical's Broadway cast recording, specifically the song "Times Are Hard for Dreamers," that I fell in love with the story and the character. I was always interested in watching the film, but it was only after I listened to the musical's West End cast recording, that I set out to watch it.

Amelie Poulain is one of my favorite characters because of how she is so motivated by kindness. After seeing the positive reaction to her first anonymous good deed, Amelie makes it her mission to carry out as many anon good deeds as possible. Even if the deeds are somewhat small or may not have a large impact on the greater world, I love this idea of just putting more kindness out into the world.

Amelie's struggle to connect with others, as well as how vast her imagination is, are other aspects of her character I connected with and loved. Seeing these traits that I feel closely define who I am in a character is why Amelie is one of my favorite characters.

Sean Diaz

I was introduced to the Life is Strange series by randomly deciding to watch a playthrough of episode 1 of Life is Strange 2 one day. I only planned to watch 15-20 minutes of a one hour video, which was only the first part of the episode, since I assumed I was not gonna be too interested and move on. However, I didn't pay attention to the time and ended up watching the whole hour video, quickly followed by the rest of episode one instead of doing my work.

Sean is one of my favorite characters because of how he immediately takes on a parental role for his little brother Daniel after a tragic accident. As they are on the run and come across different characters/people, it was really interesting to see how Sean attempts to balance being a teenager and being the sole care taker of his little brother. While Sean's relationship with Daniel is dependent on the player's choices, I really love how in one pathway, no matter how much Daniel bugs/annoys him, Sean still fiercely loves him and will go to any length to ensure his well-being.

Sean being pushed into the role of an adult, who must make many of the decisions for the two of them, while grappling with his loss of childhood and home/safety was something that instantly grabbed my attention and kept it.

I had difficulty putting into words why Sean is one of my favorite characters. Essentially though, I think it's Sean's emotional vulnerability (in expressing how he feels about his and Daniel's situation) and unwavering love that make him one of my top 10 favorite characters.

Alyssa Greene

Alyssa is a character that I feel I have a lot in common with: parental expectations to succeed in school, doing certain things not necessarily out of interest, but because it'll (hopefully) look good on a college app, trying to not let down my parents, and living in the closet.

Her song, "Alyssa Greene," which I'm gonna include, struck such an emotional chord with me. This balancing act between being one person in front of her mother and other students while another person with her girlfriend, Emma, and the conflict over which one is her authentic self, is one reason why I've included Alyssa on this list.

Alyssa eventually gains the confidence to come out to her mom, go to prom with Emma, and I guess technically gets her happy ending. So, in seeing myself so much in her, it makes me happy to see that Alyssa eventually is able to be her true self and gives me hope that I can too (oops did not mean for this to get that deep).

Percy Jackson

I got into the Percy Jackson series when I was in 4th grade and I've been a fan ever since (for some reference, I'm in college now). I had free time after finishing classwork, so I think I was supposed to read. When I went looking for a book, something about the cover for The Lightning Thief caught my eye. At the time it was one of the largest books I had read, so 1) I was proud for finishing it and 2) I couldn't wait to do it again for Sea of Monsters, then Titan's Curse, and on and on and on. I truly credit Lightning Thief and Percy Jackson and the Olympians as the book/series that started my love for reading.

This is why I kinda have to include Percy on this list since he's the narrator of this series. I think as many people have pointed out, Percy's sass and attitude is what made me fall in love with this character. Similar to other characters on this list, his loyalty and unwavering determination to protect his friends also stood out to me.

With so many novels spanning several years, it's neat getting to see his maturation from the new kid at camp to one of their finest leaders. Also, while I may not have grown up with Percy, it was also really fun getting to read when he would hit certain milestones (i.e. 16th birthday, learning how to drive, going off to college, etc.).

Anya Forger

Currently, Anya Forger is my favorite Forger family member, which was a hard decision to make since I just wanted to include one family member on this list.

A good friend of mine introduced me to Spy x Family last summer. We watched the first episode together, I was hooked, and then I proceeded to watch the first half of season 1 on my own over the next few days. After that, I very much looked forward to the second half of season 1 (literally waiting for the exact time I could watch the new episode) and began to read the manga.

Why do I bring this up? One of the reasons I instantly fell in love with Spy x Family was because of Anya, as well as her relationship/interactions with Loid, in that first episode. Like so many others, I absolutely love Anya's facial expressions and the things that come out of her mouth. Like, she's already hilarious for saying things that a four, possibly five year old would say. But when she's trying to cover for saying something that is in direct response to reading another person's thoughts, even more chaos.

Anya's love for both of her parents is also really touching. Additionally, the fact that she feels safe and protected from danger when they are around is touching too. She just wants to be loved and have a family and a nice, warm home, which she arguably gets with Loid, Yor, and Bond. It's definitely a little sad that Anya is not fully sure if her papa loves her, but it's so sweet (and shows how much this family means to her) that she loves Loid regardless.

Aki Hayakawa

I would first like to bring up two points: 1) at the point of writing this, I have yet to find the time to read the manga (so my experience with this character is limited to what's been covered in the anime, though I have seen a few manga spoilers), and 2) I didn't like Aki when he was first introduced.

Going off of this second point, I felt Aki was being unnecessarily rude and dismissive of Denji during the first few episodes of Chainsaw Man. I thought Aki was gonna just be Denji's work rival and more like a minor antagonist of the series. Boy was I wrong though and boy am I so glad to be wrong in this situation.

Therefore, seeing his growth over the first season alone, and what exactly that growth has led to, is why I have chosen to include Aki on this list. Yes, Aki is probably driven insane by Denji (and Power too), but it's moments like when he protected Denji from Kobeni while they were trapped in the hotel or attempting to fight Katana Man after Denji and Himeno were shot that made me see this character in a new light. Episode 11 and 12 have countless examples of why Aki has become one of my favorite characters, but even before these episodes, my opinion on Aki had already changed.

Two other points that do a good job of explaining why Aki is one of my top 10 favorite characters are from posts I have come across. One is how Aki is the most sane of Special Division 4, which is saying something. And two, how Aki went from believing devils should be spared no mercy when they are killed (or something of the like) in ep. 2 to looking after Denji, Power, and being unafraid to come close to Angel Devil in ep. 11.

Sal Fisher

When I think of Sal Fisher, there are many things that come to mind. Despite his appearance, Sal has a relatively calm energy. While growing up, despite everything that has happened to him during his childhood, Sal attempts to live a relatively normal life by spending time with friends, raising his cat, Gizmo, etc. (before and after moving to Addison Apartments). And, when Sal finds himself in a situation where there are no good outcomes, he must do the unthinkable.

One moment that really stood out to me is when Sal is talking with a friend, who asks why he lets people call him "Sally Face." Sal explains that when he was growing up, other kids would call him that name as an insult, so by reclaiming or owning the name, the nickname lost its power. I think this moment demonstrates Sal's true nature and how Sal had to grow up a little quicker than his peers due to events from his early childhood.

While I definitely think Sal is one of my favorite characters, the story of Sally Face as a whole stands out to me a little more. I guess what I'm trying to say is Sal Fisher and the story of Sally Face are so closely tied that I found it a little hard to fully separate why I like Sal Fisher alone or independently from the overall game.

Katsuki Yuri

I recently finished Yuri on Ice (as in last night), so this may be a character that moves or changes on/off this list after having more time to reflect on and digest this series. But at the time of writing this, Katsuki Yuri has quickly earned a place on this list. I will also add I watched the series over the span of a few days because of free time/work. However, I probably could've binged the series in a day if I had the time, which says a lot since I typically have a lot of difficulty binge watching shows.

There was something so touching about seeing Yuri grow into his skills and finding his confidence over the course of the season. Literally was tearing up during his final free skate. While only 12 episodes, Yuri's performance during that final free skate really felt like the culmination of the entire season (I think the inner dialogue helped to convey this even more, like everything in Yuri's mind has led to this moment).

Maybe a bit random, but Yuri's awareness about having a high stamina and getting nervous during competitions demonstrated that he had a good understanding of his self, it was his confidence that needed improving. Also, in the first episode, when Yuri recreates one of Victor's performances, I just loved that Yuri's passion for ice skating seemed so clearly conveyed.

I don't know if others feel this way, but there was something to me about Yuri's reactions/thoughts that felt so real and to a degree relatable. Sure, some of them were played up for comedy, but Yuri's determination to succeed, to win a gold medal, or when Victor, Yuri's idol, first arrived to Hasetsu/became his coach, and his inner panicking, that felt so based in truth or reality. I loved this about Yuri and his characterization.

Trevor Watson

Maybe not everyone's cup of tea, but if you're looking for a good laugh or comedy show, I'd highly recommend The Goes Wrong Show. Slapstick and chaos at its finest. While I enjoy each character and the various reasons their parts/scenes go wrong, Trevor, the stage manager, narrowly inches his way above the other characters as my favorite.

Him frantically trying to keep the show running and handling way too many behind the scenes roles, as well as occasionally being pulled to stand-in for an actor (when everyone else is incapacitated, which out of context I'm sure sounds concerning-I assure you it's not though), make for hilarious moments of Trevor being forced to fill in for things he did not sign up for.

Also, the way he sasses and responds to Chris, the director, is really funny. I guess in general too when being asked to do something that requires him to do more than his job description, which is often.

There's a lot of reasons why Trevor is probably my favorite TGWS character and makes it on this list. However, it's a little hard to explain when so many reasons are like really specific bits or make little sense out of context. Either way, Trevor makes it onto my top 10 favorite characters.

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Thank you so much for you question!

I had a lot of fun thinking about my top 10 favorite characters from all the media I love, which spans from stage to screen to video games to books. I don't know what exactly you were looking or hoping for, but I hope my answers aren't too disappointing. These characters and the stories they come from really do a good job of representing who I am though and the evolution of what I love.

This question also made me realize how many times I stumble into a new obsession/fandom by just randomly doing something with very little thought into thinking a new interest could arise from it. So, thank you for that as well!

Love,

Dakota Wren

(Because there's a lot of characters I wish I could include, I'm also gonna do a quick honorable mentions: Kazuki Kurusu (if only choosing one character from Buddy Daddies), Holden Caulfield, Max Caulfield, Miles Edgeworth, and Miguel Rivera.

If anyone wants the reasoning behind any of those characters, just let me know.)

Illustrious Illeism

Illeism - noun - referring to the self in third person in order to separate oneself from the self.

One of my favorite television series has always been "Sex and the City." Although it saw its last episode a while ago, I still like to watch all six seasons via HBO Max. The latest installment, the sequel,"And Just Like That" just isn't the same, especially sans the controversial character of Samantha. Say what you will about the original. You can't argue that it isn't well written for what it is: risky, bawdy, yet groundbreaking cable TV. As I have been a writer since my twenties (a long time) and a high-school English teacher to boot, I can appreciate how the character of Carrie, a journalist, begins each episode with a question. (I might have stolen the idea a few times to use in my classroom, but don't quote me on that.) One show from the fourth season, I believe, features the theme of perception: how we can never quite perceive ourselves with an absolute degree of accuracy. Which is true. We can't. We are either too self-critical or too self-indulgent or somewhere in between. Not being able to judge oneself well, I think, may be one of the flaws of human nature. However, if you are the exception (extreme minority) and tend to view yourself authentically, society considers you "cursed with self-awareness" as ironically, it can be a liability when you are solo 20/20 in a farsighted or blind community. So either way, I guess we are in a Catch-22 and can't win.

Last week, I was scrolling through the BBC's World News website and came across an article devoted to the concept of self-perception. Apparently, there are individuals out there who can dole out the advice, but when it comes to being able to self-direct, they can't, probably because they are too close to themselves and have a tough time seeing themselves for who they are in the mirror. In short, they can dish it out, but can't take it, meaning their own advice. But how can you advise yourself if you can't read yourself realistically? The BBC's answer? Illeism. According to the article, ostensibly, you have to provide yourself some distance from yourself by talking to yourself in the third person, which is known as Illeism. Here's an example: "You know, Gwyn, you really should try to stop coming across as a know-it-all and mind your own business when it comes to other people's lives." You get the idea.

I suppose the idea isn't new as perfectly sane people (?) have been talking to themselves in third person since forever. I suppose it may make sense to try if you are indeed capable of separating yourself from your ego long enough to see that it could be the reason why you can't recognize your own shortcomings.

Let's face it (if we can), being human isn't easy. Life isn't easy. It was never meant to be. A little bit of self-deception is probably not too self-destructive. For instance, if I look in the glass this morning and see a rock star, will the falsity kill me? Probably not. A boost of fake reality may just make me feel like I can tackle the actual day better. Is there anything wrong with that?

Speaking of rock stars, I'll leave you with a bit of sound advice borrowed from Pink Floyd: "Shine on, you crazy diamonds." Be your best self, whomever you perceive yourself to be.

#word-to-words, #slice-of-life,  #blog, #blogging, #editorial, #reading, #vocabulary, #ReadersMagnet, #spilled thoughts, #good advice, #personal-essay, #writing community, #writing, #philosophy, #truth #relationships  

At Last

Dean Winchester x Reader

Summary: After a long visit with family, you return home to the one you find yourself thinking about most.

Requested by Anonymous: “If your requests are still open, think you feel like doing something where the reader is visiting with her family, and they get along fine but her family stays up too late partying and drinking meanwhile reader just wants to go home and cuddle with Dean? Thnx hon :) if requests are not open, feel free to ignore”

Word Count: 1.9k

Warnings: mentions of alcohol, fluff, kissing

You let out a sigh as you sit back against the seat of your car, the bunkers garage quiet as you sat there for a moment. It was just past midnight, your body fatigued from the day you’d had but it was good nonetheless. It was good, but you were happy to be home by the end of it.

Your family had been in town, something they always did twice a year and you were fortunate the get-together’s had been so close to home. You loved them dearly, they were a lively crowd and they always were, but it was a quality you found you couldn’t quite keep up with no matter how much time you spent together.

Once it hit ten o’clock that night, you found yourself growing tired, the hours of socializing having started to wear on you despite how good of a time you’d had that day. You were full from dinner, the Kansas heat having still had its hold despite the sun having gone down. Then eleven o’clock rolled around just as quickly, the group still having been just as full of energy as they’d had been the entirety of that day as a new pack of beers had been tapped into.

You wouldn’t say you couldn’t handle staying up late, you were used to late night trips for hunts and hours of research but you found that to be different now. You were tired, and you couldn’t think of anything better than going home to Dean.

Presently, you found yourself in the very place you’d longed to be, home.

You twisted the key and turned the car off, switching off the lights before getting out. The sight of the Impala sitting pretty in its usual parking spot had you smiling softly, had your heart skipping a beat at the mere thought of the Winchester in particular that it belonged to. He was just paces away now, and you felt you couldn’t be happier.

Hanging your keys on the hook by the door, you stepped up into the bunker, closing the old wooden door behind you. The lights had since been dimmed in the hall, the whole place quiet save for the sound of your footfalls. Quiet save for the metallic clinks sounding loudly when you trip over the trash can sitting by the door in the hall.

Your eyes fall closed as your cheeks burn at the sheer noise, nose scrunched at the echo on the walls as you stand there for a moment. The silence in the bunker was near deafening after that, a huff leaving your lips when you bend over and stand it upright once more.

The first thing you noticed after your clumsy accident was the smell, the burning smell sitting high in the air with a hint of apple and cinnamon mingling in with it. It was something that led you to the kitchen first, your brow raising as you turned the main light on. There were no traces of anything on the counters, nothing on the floor, not even a dish in the sink save for Dean’s mug. It was the oven that initially gave it away, that very same smell wafting your way once you opened the door.

With that, you spun on your heel, eyes landing on the garbage can standing alone by the stainless steel kitchen island. You stepped on the pedal and watched as the lid lifted up, a smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. It was then that you saw the burnt remains of what looked to be pie crust, the cinnamon coated apple slices having splayed and mixed with it at the bottom of the back. A soft laugh left your lips, your head shaking.

You switched off the light on your way out, your smile still lingering at the thought of Dean Winchester trying, and failing, to bake a pie.

You let the lid to the trash can fall, a voice sound behind you abrupt enough to make you jump.

“Who’s there?”

You spun on your heel, breath hitching in the first second and your eyes rolling in the next. “Your gun, Dean. Really?”

He lowers it and tucks it back in the belt of his jeans, the corners of his mouth quirking up. “What? Gotta take my precautions, sweetheart. Besides, don’t I look cool when I do that?”

Your pursed lips turn to a smile, one very much giving away the fact that something teasing was on the very tip of your tongue. He knows that for a fact, his smile fading in realization. “Do you really want me to answer that?”

There it is.

His eyes roll as his lips purse, an expression he finds he can’t hold with what he’s got next. “I knew who it was. There’s only one person who can trip over that trash can no matter how far out of the way it is.”

Your frown is immediate, brows knit together as he tips his head back to laugh.

“Not funny, Winchester,” you huff, walking into his arms as they envelope you in the very embrace you’d been thinking about ever since you left that day.

It was tight and warm, near bone crushing as he all but lifted you off your feet. Your frown was quick to dissolve in favor of a smile, one that was squished against his chest as your cheek pressed to flannel and Henley all smelling every bit like Dean and a hint like his favorite fabric softener. His cheek rested atop your head, squeezing you even tighter if that’d been possible.

“Did you have a good time?” He asks, voice softer as the teasing in his tone fell away.

“Mhm,” you hum, eyes falling closed for a moment. “Tired is all.”

“You missed me, didn’t you?” He chuckles.

“Don’t let it go to your head, Winchester,” you mumble, your smile in your voice. You could feel his laughter some more then, your grip loosening to look up at him. “‘M serious.”

“Yeah yeah, I’ll bet you are,” he hums, dipping down and pressing his lips on yours. It was soft and sweet, something paired with his hug that you found you missed more than you’d ever admit even if you were apart for only a few hours.

He parts for a moment at the feel of your laughter brushing against his lips, kissing you once, twice, three more times before his intrigue gets the better of him. He pulls back to look at you, brow raised in his curiosity as the corner of his mouth quirks up.

“When were you going to tell me you tried to bake a pie?” You ask, your grin teasing.

He lets out a laugh as he scratches the back of his neck, turning his head away from you for just a moment or two. You can see he’s just the slightest bit embarrassed by his blunder and the smell that made it hard to forget, more so when you’re giving him that look that lets him know you’re not letting him live it down. But the look he gives you then softens from the scrunch it once was, his tongue swiping across his lips.

“I uh,” he starts, heaving a sigh, “I tried to bake you a pie for when you got home. Turns out I’m not Rachael Ray.”

“Does Rachael Ray even bake?” You ask, eyes squinting as you pretend to think it over.

“Oh shut it,” he says with a smile, kissing you once more before you can say another word.

You leaned up on your toes and wrapped your arms around his shoulders, your smile pressing against his lips and mingling warmly with his own. His stubble was rough against your skin, something that only widens the smile you’ve got as your hand settles in his cheek, another soft kiss pressed to his lips.

“That was sweet, De. I mean it.”

He’s got that smile on his face when you stand flat on your feet once more, that smile that’s all kinds of soft and sweet, that smile that’s been reserved solely for you. The one that he swears is just coincidence because he swears he’s this gruff, tough guy, and while he is—he’s also the softest at heart and that’s something he can’t argue with you on.

He takes notice of your yawn, of the tiredness in your eyes as you look at him and he chuckles.

“Alright, sleepyhead, c’mon,” he says, spinning in his heel and walking ahead with a loose grip on your hand as he turned the kitchen light off on his way out of the room.

It was comfortably quiet as you walked in the hall, the only sound having been the thud of his boots and the quieter thud of yours. It was just that until you approached your room, the familiar golden eleven sitting shining on the wooden door.

You could hear the tv filter out into the hall, muffled until he’d opened the door. The lamp was on as it sat on the nightstand, the blankets on the bed folded back and ready for you to climb under them. Your favorite show had been on, partway through a rerun episode, the show Dean insisted he hated though you knew better than to believe that even for a minute.

You were quick to step out of your boots, and change from your jeans as Dean did the same. He shrugged off his flannel and extended his arm out to you, a knowing smile on his lips. You took the shirt from his hand in an instant, a grin of your own forming as you pulled it on in place of your shirt, fastening a couple of the buttons before getting in bed.

His shirt was warm as it blanketed around you, the faint smell of his cologne having lingered on the fabric. But, it was no match for the man sitting down next to you.

His arm circled around your waist within moments of him getting in bed, quick to tug you in close as you got comfortable on his chest, leg swinging to rest over his waist. He let out a content hum, his smile soft as it sat pretty on his lips.

This was the very thing you’ve been longing for the moment you left that day, the thing you found yourself thinking about more often than not. Because this, moments like these, they were ones that mattered most to you and moments you held onto each and every time they happened.

His arm was heavy around you, the tips of his fingers brushing absentmindedly over your arm as he watched tv. It wasn’t until you looked up at him that he met your gaze, no matter how tired you were. You leaned up and pressed a kiss to his lips, lingering and soft.

“Night, De,” you mumble against his lips, kissing him once more before dipping down to lay back on his chest.

You felt the press of his lips on your forehead, the scratch of his stubble against your skin. “Night, sweetheart.”

After a long day, you were right where you wanted to be at last.

—

Tags: @flamencodiva @stixnstripesworld @elegantbutedgy @humanmistakes @agalliasi @campingmonkey @deandaydreaming @akshi8278 @kidd3ath @lanea-1

210408 Zhang Zhehan's interview with Elle Magazine

"I want to be like Ah-Xu, be a gentle yet strong person."

On the day of the photoshoot, it was a rare windy day in Bei Hai. The weather forecast reported it will rain, which made everyone slightly heart-stricken. "Can we still take photos by the seaside?", "how about changing the location?", we were worrying, but fortunately it didn’t rain, only left with steer drop in temperature and roaring wind.

On the way to the photoshoot location, Zhang Zhehan recorded the sound of wind outside of the window. To be able to use the last bit of daylight before the sun sets completely, after filming, he only had one hour and a bit to go back to the hotel, have dinner, change clothes, and get his makeup done. And now, when we have done everything, he uses the time in the car to chat with the long-waited fans in the drama interactive zone.

Busy is an expected state. But when we saw him at the location, you can’t tell any trace of being busy from his face. The strong wind blew the gravels on the beach in the sky. During the interval of the photoshoot, everyone couldn’t help but complained about the cold wind and getting sand all over their faces. Only Zhang Zhehan looked more relaxed as if he came back from a different beach as us.

When we moved to the coffee shop, we finally had time to sit down and talk. He asked the staff to give him a cushion for his back, at that moment, it was probably the first time that made us realize that he is actually very tired. "It’s tough and tiring to be an actor, right?" we haven’t even finished the sentence, and he disagreed, "it’s all the same, every job is tough and tiring."

It seems that he has a big heart.

He chose to ride to Tibet with his friend for his graduation trip. Like his mum said he always has the spirit of seeking out suffering. Speaking of this journey, he said: "we’re living too happily, most families don’t have to worry about clothes and food, don’t need to go through a lot of hardships. I like what Huang Lei teacher once said, ‘people will only have faith after suffering, people will understand kindness after suffering.’ I think after seeing the suffering in the world and feel the suffering yourself - you will be kind to others."

After hearing what he said, you will realize that ‘big heart’ could have been a misunderstanding. He can’t dilute ‘sufferings’ more than others, instead, in the moments of ‘seeking out sufferings’, his feeling towards ‘sufferings’ is stronger and more abundant compared to most people.

He has a very meticulous side, he feels, understands, and hides his ‘sufferings’. Then, those experiences and feelings related to sufferings become something that is hard for others to spot on him.

He said, "when we’re going through a hardship, we can only see the hardship itself, you don’t realize that it’s actually reminding you something and teaching you something else." This is also his understanding of being mature – you can see the many sides of one thing.

‘Bruce Almighty’， ‘The Pursuit of Happyness’， ‘The Bucket List’ are his favorite movies. He said, "there’s a line from Bruce Almighty that left a deep impression – do you really hope God will give you happiness? Maybe everyone’s interpretation of happiness is different, but in the movie, the protagonist only realized it at the end, God was giving him happiness, but not the so-called happiness, God taught him the ability to gain happiness." He pressed his thumb again his chin, slightly looking down, earnestly sharing his impression of the movie.

He added, "you’re actually changing your perspective of the problem." Like what he wrote before, "being mature is being able to see the things that you couldn’t see before."

Maybe if the settling time is long enough, you will be able to stay calm in the change of tides and guard yourself in the quicksand under your feet. Speaking of popularity, he was calmer than we expected.

He said, "popularity is very important for an actor. I think it’s complementary, when you’re popular, you will receive more attention. You will be able to carry some things on your shoulders, first, it can prove that you have the ability, second, it can prove you’re acknowledged by the market."

He continued, "as actors, we also need to be acknowledged by the market. I have seen some amazing actors, they put so much effort into every character but maybe haven’t been acknowledged by the market yet, so they remain unknown. Therefore, a lot of great characters won’t fall into their hands.” It sounds cruel but it’s an undeniable fact. He added, “if you’re not popular, good scripts won’t even land in your hands."

The success of ‘Word of Honor’, to Zhang Zhehan, is like winning the lottery.

He said, "the success of a drama depends on timing, geographical and social conditions, none of these is dispensable. There are hundreds and thousands of dramas filmed each year, but in the end, there will only be one or two that everyone would love. That kind of feels like winning the lottery."

Working hard is very common, it’s nothing special, he thinks it’s unreasonable if you just use ‘working hard’ and ask why you are ‘under appreciated’. Just like how everyone praises him for being an experiential actor and praises his immersive acting. But he thinks, this is the passing line to be an actor, this is what actors are supposed to do.

He said, "if you’re an actor and you don’t experience the character, how could you portray it well, if you don’t get into the character, how could you make the character come to life?"

Working hard, experiencing, and immersing… he views them as a refined definition of actor, these are the preconditions of the lottery ticket. As for whether you can win the lottery in the end, no one can predict it. At least in his experience, he waited for 11 years for that winning lottery ticket.

After the filming ended, he wrote ‘jianghu, goodbye’ on Weibo, when the last episode aired, it was exactly 6 months after the last day of filming. His Weibo is on the setting of showing only the recent 6 months’ posts, as if it was a ‘long been destined’ farewell.

Perhaps the character Zhou Zi Shu is destined to be his. During the four months of filming, he had to gradually reveal Zhou Zi Shu’s two thousand layers of gray, he had to find him, become him, and lastly live the rest of his life for him.

Actors are probably all like this, they always must pour in their own life, emotions, and experience to make the character come to life. The process of making the character come to life means the actors get to experience life and emotions once again.

"Life is experience, you need to put some of your experiences into your characters."

Hegel mentioned in ‘Lectures on Aesthetics’ - 艺术通过供观照的形象可以缓和最酷烈的悲剧命运, 使它成为欣赏的对象。(thank you @sixteenthshen for providing the original quote!)

the specific lines zzh mentioned is bolded: If we are in a general way permitted to regard human activity in the realm of the beautiful as a liberation of the soul, as a release from constraint and restriction, in short, to consider that art does actually alleviate the most overpowering and tragic catastrophes by means of the creations it offers to our contemplation and enjoyment, it is the art of music which conducts us to the final summit of that ascent to freedom.

The reason why those so-called pains are endowed with aesthetic tension may lie in ‘being watched with pleasure’. Those most beautiful things aren’t been torn in our real lives, they become one ‘tearing performance’ after another, being shown on the stage, shown on the screen. The existence of aesthetic distance made ‘those so-called pains’ into something that can be bearable, having its own appreciation.

That so-called ‘pain’ experience comes more direct towards actors, there’s not much room for leeway. In his previous interview, he commented that Zhou Zi Shu is the most memorable character, the character that hurt him the most. Talking about ‘getting hurt’ again, he thinks that is unavoidable.

"I say that an actor has to get into the character and get out of character quickly. But when you’re acting in a happy scene, that happy feeling might last for a day or few days. When you’re acting in a sad, heart-broken scene, even you say it’s ok, it’s fine, it won’t affect me. But it will affect your mood, including your actions. When I go back to my room, I can’t help but to think about that scene, I might not be willing to go out and walk around."

"So, do you think acting is a process of wearing yourself out and wearing emotions down?"

"Of course, of course, of course, it’s wearing myself out." He said of course three times consecutively, "it’s not just wearing my emotions down, it also wears my physical strength out, wears my experience out, and a lot of my own things. So, if I want to do well in a piece of work, I can’t go into the next crew right after I have finished filming. Because you will have traces of the last piece of work, it’s actually hard to accept and get into the next character."

"I personally really like to stay in the filming crew, the reason why I said Zhou Zi Shu is great is that we couldn’t have any other work due to COVID-19 restrictions. I was in the crew for 4 months, in peace. I was looking into and experiencing the character carefully."

On the day of the interview, the Q&A part about acting was the most ‘unrestrained’. Every time we throw out a question, we would always get a powerful and resonating reply. From the perspective of a bystander, you could feel that he is the kind of person that is shining in his professional field.

At the end of every drama/ film, he would choose to leave that environment, and go out to have fun for few days. "I’m not insisting that I need to disengage from the drama/ film, I just want to relax, return to myself, return to Zhang Zhehan’s life."

"So, when you’re looking at Zhou Zi Shu again now as a viewer, do you have any different sentiment?"

"Of course, I would think of the funny parts and incidents. A lot of interesting bits that I’ve added in myself, you can see it in the character." Fortunately, as an actor, he can also feel the happiness that ordinary viewers have.

In our conversation, the words that he mentioned the most were 'gentle yet strong'.

"I really like netizens' comments that Zhou Zi Shu is gentle yet strong."

"The quality that I admire the most now is gentle yet strong."

"I feel like now I want to be like Ah-Xu, someone who is gentle yet strong."

"I want to be like Ah-Xu, become a bit gentler."

He thinks this seemingly contradictory combination is very interesting, "strong describes a person who is strong, whereas gentle is soft. These two words may seem to have no connection, but when they’re put together, it’s also a perfect connection."

"I didn’t feel this way before. I used to think people have to be strong, powerful, how can you be gentle yet strong? I think that’s something I need to learn now. This person must make everyone around them feel comfortable and think of others, but at the same time he/ she is also an individual who’s very strong and full of capabilities."

"Like water, it’s like this when it’s calm, it’s like that when it’s surging high."

He used as many hand gestures as he could as he wanted to express what’s on his mind as much as possible.

Gentle yet strong, this is what he saw, felt from Zhou Zi Shu, and it’s also the character experience he most wants to leave behind.

"Speaking of what hasn’t changed for 11 years, is that I’m still acting; speaking of changes there are a lot. All these years of experience, it became my understanding of each character, in contrast, 11 years of acting experience allowed me to learn a lot from my characters."

To him, every big or small character he had in the past 11 years is a mutual encounter, he gave something to the characters, and the characters also left him with something.

Those who have seen his acting praise him that he truly understands Zhou Zi Shu, so we asked how he could stand in the perspective of Zhou Zi Shu to understand his words and actions. He doesn’t think that it was understanding, it just naturally happened.

"I didn’t deliberately try to understand him, I think what he did was just following his heart, that’s how I feel, so that’s how it should be. I would ask if it was myself, can I do that? Is it acceptable? If I think it’s ok, then it’s right. If I think it’s unacceptable, I will definitely tell the director - 'I don’t want to act this way.'"

"I read another book today, the main idea is the most important thing for people is to know themselves. Know yourself, know what kind of person you are, then you will know the world. You need to learn how to reconcile with yourself, learn how to communicate with yourself, tell yourself when you need to keep going, when to compromise, when you need to understand, when you need to be strong… you need to keep being yourself and convince yourself at certain times."

Meeting Zhou Zi Shu, to Zhang Zhehan is also the process of meeting and knowing himself. "But I’m probably not as mighty as Zhou Zi Shu," he laughed.

He thinks that he’s not at the age of looking back, the things that have happened, just let them go. "There’s nothing to remember in particular, there’s nothing memorable. And my occupation, a lot of people will remember for you, they will remember your good, remember your various moments, so I don’t need to remember. What I need to do now is to live well, my current life, future life, and get into the next role."

"When I can’t act anymore, I think I will look back more."

Now, he wants to challenge a new area, "I really want to act in movies, act in more movies. 40 episodes of acting and 2 hours of acting are different, condensed acting is the quintessence. I still need to learn how to act well in the 2 hours."

And "I hope I can be a director one day."

The beautiful scenery in spring is as deep and wide as the sea, it’s fortunate that we get to meet.

"My occupation, many people will remember every moment of yours."

"Immerse into my next character, and live well - that's what I need to do now. "

Translation by: KIMMYYANG

Cause of the BBC Sherlock stuff I've been seeing I'd like remind people of Elementary

This may poke the proverbial fandom bear but I don't care this show deserved so much more love than it got.

This series is Seven season of quality detective content. Each epsiode delievers on a cool mystery with a statisfying conculsion, and overarching plots arcoss multiple episodes that again give good payoff. Look I'm a person who never really cares about spoilers BUT season one's twist is so perfectly executed that I can never bare talking about it until someone has experinced it already. Like im serious its so good.

Now detractors LOVE to point out two things

1: It takes place in New York they just had to americanise it

2: why is Watson a woman? Ugh they just want to sexualize her and take the gay away

So for 1 I get the frustration it was proabably a legal/financial thing that made them go with New York. But the writers 100% use this to their advantage. utilizing the setting as a sort of metaphor for Serlock as a person particulary in season 1 & 2. He's been thrusted into New York this is not his home and he sees it as simply a new place and a fresh start. But come season 2 when he does return to London he finds it different and no longer feels at ease there. He has grown he has changed and so has the world around him. I think the writers made the best out of the situation.

2: Yyyeeeeeaaaahhhhhhhhh no

like i get WHY people assume the reason to make John Watson Joan Watson was purely to hook the characters up, like i was suspicious too when I first saw the trailers cause damn the person in charge of that did a shit job. But so theres a reason why its Joan Watson and not John Watson. In behind the scenes stuff they straight up said that in doing research they notice Sherlock is a bit of a misogynist as he regards women rather lower having just a few exceptions to  his rule that woman are silly creatures controlled by emotions. SO the writers and producers thought “Well what if his work partner IS a woman?’ and like thats actually a good idea to shake up the Holmes/Watson dynamic. 

But also in all 7 seasons not once do Joan and Sherlock hook up. 

NOT ONCE. THEIR RELATIONSHIP IS ENTIRELY PLANTONIC. 

LET ME REPEAT THAT AGAIN A MAN AND A WOMAN ON A CABLE SERIES WHO LIVE AND WORK TOGETHER ONLY LOVE EACH OTHER IN A PLATONIC SENSE AND NO ONE BATS AN EYE TO THAT.

DO YOU REALIZE HOW HUGE THAT IS?

Like Joan and Sherlock are family to each other yes earlier seasons is mostly Joan taking care and helping Sherlock but as time goes on they are far more equal. They have this great bond that’s just built on mutual trust and care and gives off the pair of siblings at times. (my favorite running gag is Sherlock finding new and creative ways to wake Watson up)

And can I say that Joan and Sherlock arent the only ones to say “I love you” in a platonic sense in this show? CAUSE THEY ARENT

This show just like shoves it in your face that strong platonic relationships are not only valid but something to be cherished and cared for just as much as romantic ones. That just being someone’s friend and being there for them when times are tough is enough and admirable. And im sorry but that shit gets me every time. 

Also also Joan Watson has her own arc of finding what it is she wants in this world along Sherlocks own arc. And its not finding a man and having a child, its finding what work she likes to do and balancing it with her personal life. 

And thats not even getting into the positive and well done addict recovery rep. Like they took the offhanded line that Sherlock uses opitates in the novels and said “Hey how would they effect a man like this?” Like they give such a good showcase on how really anyone can fall to addiction and just how hard it is to recover. It’s a long road and the show never lets you forgot that Sherlock could fall back and that he is not better than any other addict, that if it werent for the support network he has built the fall would be far worse.

Like god I havent even gotten into how this is the most emotionally vulnerable Sherlock and thats not treated as a negative like the show straight up says when he goes cold logic mode he’s worse as a person AND as a detective.

How they show the police force they work with to be just as important  as their work. 

Trans Ms. Hudson played by a trans woman, while shes not in a lot of eps she’s never made a joke of and treated as a desirable.

Autisitc person as a love interest who was not treated as a child. 

Joan wasnt the ONLY person who was adapted as a different gender. 

Going into the messiness of mental health and how hard finding care for it can be. 

The hackers who are hilarious

Sherlock and Joans network of specialists who have knowledge they dont

CLYDE THE TURTLE

Like just watch it its worth your time and will never make fun of you for engaging with the work. 

ENTERTAINMENT WEEKLY: Was the year time jump because of the pandemic? To sidestep making that too central to the plot, or was that always the plan?

JEANINE MASON: That was always our intention and it was just sort of a saving grace in that way. We also don't acknowledge the pandemic in real-time on our show. There are no masks and that was just so wonderful just to get work in that way and have that time where it was a little more normal. Also, that's just our show — we want you to come to us the way you always do, which is for nineties nostalgia, sexy Cowboys, brilliant scientists, you know? CHRIS HOLLIER: So we wanted to drop our characters in a year later, let them stew in their individual decisions that were made last season. We want everyone to root for our poster couple but we want to honor what happens in real life, which is sometimes you step away from that person, even if you are entwined with them in a very particular way. So we wanted it to be a real enough time and distance so that they could live a little life on their own.

With showrunner Carina Adly MacKenzie departing at the end of season 2, has much changed? Or are you still working with ideas she had in place?'

HOLLIER: It's a little bit of both. There are things that Carina and I built that live all the way through and then once the story got up on its feet, discoveries were made with our new crop of people that we were like, "Oh, we're going to bend it this other way."

Jeanine, how is Liz doing in her new life in L.A. when we pick up this season?

MASON: Well, it's been a year and at this point, her life is actually pretty great. She just hasn't taken a second to acknowledge that. She's doing what she does best, which is just full head in her work and trying to figure out what she could use of her discoveries and her brilliance to save Maria. She has a great job, a really nice place, and an awesome partner at work who is a good time and a real match for her in terms of intellect and ambition. He begins to ask her to recognize that and to maybe give something a chance that she's been reluctant to because of how drawn she is to Roswell and to Max. It's a fun first episode. It's sexy. It's fun to find opportunities for her. She's our hero so she's got a lot on her shoulders and anytime where we can find levity for her is always a real treat for the writers and for me.

And no Crashdown waitress uniform must be nice?

MASON: Honestly, I miss it quite a lot right now. I have a note in my notes with Chris, I'm like, "I gotta tell him we gotta find him more opportunities for it."

Should Liz and Max shippers be worried about them finding their way back to one another after he destroyed her work and didn't follow her to L.A.? Should we resign ourselves to a season apart?

MASON: This season really is about these characters having themselves mirrored to each other. Max and Liz need some growing and ultimately they can't do anything but be orbiting each other. We found so many opportunities to have such a beautiful language around the cosmic element of their connection. They're asking, "Is this our decision, or are we just acting off of a decision that the cosmos made for us?" It was so fun to navigate that. I always have such a good time with Chris Hollier and with Nathan Dean, just finding the little tiny notches, a tiny bit of movement towards where they're going next. I really loved following them. It's my favorite Max and Liz season to date.

HOLLIER: It's not a season apart. I'll tease that they, in an unexpected way, end up in front of each other relatively soon. But it's really about when am I ready? And what does it mean to talk to my ex? When someone makes such a big influence in your life, when do you know it's over and when do you know you should fight again? We tried to give them real grown-up lives.

Steven Krueger (The Originals) also joined the cast as Heath this season. What can you tease about his character?

HOLLIER: He's just an awesome human being. I know him from The Originals and we were like, "If we're going to have to be stuck with people in the desert, who do we want?" You want to be stuck with a handsome and lovely and charming Steven Krueger. So really this was looking at, "Well, what did Liz want and what does it look like when you start to give Liz versions of what she wants?" Heath is somebody that is beyond being just a lovely person, he is smart and wants to advance science and that's appealing to Liz. It becomes, "What does it look like when the man that I hang around with all day is also into the same things that I am?" MASON: I love him. Heath is just such a fun, whip-smart, fantastic character. His humor was so fun. We've been having a good time with kicking the humor up really through season two and in season three, we just took it up another notch. There are some moments that are like, "Is this a drama or is it a sitcom?" Looking back on it, he was such a fun partner to spar with. They're both such intellectual characters and I love that there's a real meeting of the minds. It makes it competitive and sexy. I know a lot of fans are so excited because they know him from The Originals and he's going to be a great addition.

Technically, Mr. Jones is a new character too. Can you tell us anything at all about him?

HOLLIER: I'd say he's a new character — and a fully-fleshed interesting new character. Mr. Jones has an awesome beard. At some point, he might lose that beard. A lot of people are asking me, "Is Jones good or bad?" And what I would argue is that's a perspective based upon who you are in the conversation that you're having with him. He knows a lot about our heroes' story and he knows a lot about home. He'll be able to answer questions for them. This season our heroes will get to learn why they ended up here on earth. One of the things I think that people will love is that they're going to get to see that home planet this year. We asked ourselves a lot about this whole season, "What have we set up for the past two?" We look at these first three seasons almost like a trilogy so a lot of things are going to be paid off.

Has Nathan enjoyed pulling double duty this season? Or is he just exhausted?

MASON: He's exhausted, but he's such a champ. That really is the beginning of this mirroring thing that starts with Max and Jones with him actually getting to look at himself to a degree and those questions that come up. The self-analysis that it provokes in him is really the beginning of what is happening to all of our characters this year; everybody's being confronted with themselves. I loved that the Max/Jones of it was also a real sci-fi element.

Did he really grow that beard or was that not possible if he had to go between the two characters?

MASON: That was a prosthetic beard and our makeup team killed it. He was not accustomed to early mornings, which, of course, all of us babes are. It was a lot of extra time in the chair for him.

Can Jones dupe Liz into thinking he's actually Max since she doesn't know he exists?

MASON: You're totally on to something. It's a real and pressing threat. I mean, she's totally in the dark and he looks like her cosmic lover!

HOLLIER: What I will say is that, Liz — beyond her being number one on the call sheet — is integral to this story in a way that she and none of our characters are going to perceive when they start episode one. We're bringing [the characters] to a new crossroads moment in their lives and they're getting, through Jones, a mirror into their own lives to decide what they're going to become next.

How's Rosa (Amber Midthunder) doing this season?

MASON: By the end of season two, Rosa really makes the decision to start taking care of herself. She really becomes an incredible asset to the Scooby-Doo gang. It's something that Liz is in constant adjustment to. As much as she's the younger sister, she feels very protective of her sister and Liz has had to make adjustments in her trust and faith in Rosa. I loved it because it just felt like a real personal, authentic thing that sisters would go through, but also that Hispanic sisters would go through. I think we sometimes, culturally, have a tendency to baby our women — maybe that's the wrong word — but just to underestimate their physical ability and what they might take on, and sort of 'queen' our women in a way where we treat them tenderly. I hate that. I'm a tough bitch and so is Rosa. So Liz has to confront that and go, "I'm an idiot to underestimate you. You've done nothing but prove me wrong."

What about Maria and her visions?

HOLLIER: This year I think Maria has the most complete arc of any season, as she recognizes things about herself that cause more questions about who she is, who her family is, how she's linked to this story. We dive into it in the present-day and we dive deliciously back in time too.

In the exclusive clip above we see her have a vision of a funeral, can you tease anything about who potentially might be about to die?

HOLLIER: Maria is front and center in driving the first half of the mystery for us. She's burdened with trying to figure out whose death she is seeing. It takes a few episodes to unravel and we use it to ask, is this linked to our supernatural stories or real-world stories that are going on politically? Is it bad luck? Is it herself? There's a whole gambit at play. We joke that we solved a past murder, now we're going to try to stop one.

Can Malex (Michael and Alex) shippers have hope that this might finally be their time?

HOLLIER: What I would say is that I think that Malex fans are really going to dig this journey. We, as writers, put them at the same level of importance as Max and Liz. So we wanted to really honor the next step in what they may or may not be. How did they grow up and how did they have those hard conversations just like Liz and Max are going to have?

Is Isobel going to continue to date women this season?

HOLLIER: Isobel is going to go on a more personal journey. You got to love yourself before you can love someone else. We lean into those possibilities by the end of who she might love. It's not something that is dropped all season — it is something that you'll see. We play some romantic comedy stuff with her character this year and with Maria that I think fans are gonna dig. There's a lot going on in the world and wanted to pump some humor and hope into it.

Will see more of Liz fighting to challenge the perception of the Latinx community?

MASON: I think that just by nature of it being one of such few shows that are led by a Latin woman, it's always going to be, to an extent, a protest or an assertion of the space that I get to fill and that Liz Ortecho gets to fill on network TV. I was really excited to just have Chris as a collaborator. Over our hiatus, before the season started, I was doing a lot of reading. I chronicled the books that play into Liz every season on my Instagram. I was reading some Sonia Sotomayor. Her book is just incredible. I was texting him screenshots of pages of the book with things underlined. Ten episodes deep into season 3, he's like, "Remember that page you sent me?" He's a real dream collaborator. I loved him for that. A pressing struggle for people of color is going through the ranks in these big corporations and then sometimes coming to find out that those corporations are purporting to support marginalized groups but actually aren't following through. So how do you, as someone who's having your success, your dreams become reality, navigate supporting the company and giving so much of your intelligence and your work — that they often legally own, especially with science — to a company that isn't going to be for your people?

Roswell, New Mexico returns Monday at 8 p.m. on The CW.

no restraints | jjk

answer to this request: Can you do a soft idol jungkook request of his girlfriend tracing his arm tattoos as they catch up after a day apart? The recent run bts episode wrecked me

Pairing: Jungkook/Reader (established relationship)

Member: Jungkook

Genre: fluff

Triggers/Warnings: tattoos, shirtless jungkook cuddles

Length: 972 words

Beta reader: thanks so much to @taegularities @hoebii and @heejinnien for reading and catching things that i missed and making this so much better ♥

It has been a long day, but waiting for the evening to finally arrive has definitely been worth everything. You get home at different hours; you usually get to the apartment early, your work finishing at a regular time, and Jungkook comes whenever they are done with rehearsals, recording, performing, filming, or whatever the band is scheduled to do that day. More often than not, he gets home very late at night, exhausted, on the verge of falling asleep but holding on just enough to have a conversation with you, asking about your day, saying he loves you. You try to put as much effort as he does, getting a bath ready for him, cooking his favorite meals when you have enough time, asking about his work, holding onto him tightly, and caressing him softly until he falls asleep.

Today, Jungkook arrives earlier than usual, but he has the same tired look in his eyes. They were just going over some choreography and planning some new songs, but you can see how much rehearsing and not being able to perform is affecting him. You thank your past self from a couple of hours ago for having the forethought of buying some ice cream on the way home and making enough dinner for two. After an overall quiet meal – the comfortable silence of two people who are in love and do not need to fill every second with meaningless conversation to try to get each other’s attention – and a warm bath for him, you two are now in bed. Jungkook does not bother putting on a shirt, the need for skinship with you talking louder than the slight chill in the air.

The only light in the room is coming from the lamps on the bedside tables, one on each side of the bed – his usually stays off, as he falls asleep before you and sometimes you like to stay up reading, one hand in your book and the other touching his hair. The heater is on and you are under the covers, bare legs entangled, his arms around you, his chest to your back. You feel him press his nose against the sensitive skin of your neck and goosebumps cover your skin as he smells you, humming and nuzzling more into you, his arms hugging you even closer to him.

There is a long stretch of peaceful silence that neither of you is making the effort to break, and you have learned that sometimes having you within his embrace is all he needs to recharge, to unwind any unwanted thoughts that might perturb his mind in these difficult times. So you wait until he is ready to speak, knowing the signs too well, maybe even better than you know yourself.

Your eyes glance to his bare arms and you let your palm ever so softly touch the inked skin, lifting it, so your fingers can start tracing his tattoos. Your touch is almost ticklish, the very tips of your fingers stroking the crisscrossed words etched into his skin, and you hear – and feel – him sigh.

“I saw the new episode today, the one with chef Baek Jong-won,” you start, feeling the moment appropriate for a break in the quietness. “I’m so happy you don’t have to hide them anymore.” Your fingers move to the colored eye, slowly tracing its shape, the colored ink contrasting on his light soft skin.

He nods against your neck, a soft smile gracing his lips as they press on your skin. “I’m glad too. I always felt bad for the editors. It’s so much work to blur them in pictures and every single video that comes out.”

He has expressed this worry to you before, knowing that growing into his own personality and expressing his artistic creativity on his own body could have a cost to other people around him – and himself. You love how much he has grown, how much he has changed, more comfortable with himself and becoming the man he is. Your pride for him is overwhelming sometimes, the emotion taking over your body even now as you turn around in his embrace, looking into his eyes. You shift your body backward just a fraction so you can have his arms between your bodies, one of your hands still on his forearm while you raise the other enough to caress his hair. Your fingers comb his blonde strands, a little softer now that you helped him treat it with some hydrating conditioner a few times since they bleached his hair this light. You love the duality in him, how he can look so tough on stage and so soft and wide-eyed in his vulnerable moments with you.

“I’m so proud of the man you’ve become, Jungkook.” The feeling overtakes you, the need to express it verbally to reassure him growing stronger as you see him look at you with a little uncertainty. “People will see that too, Army will see that too, and they’ll love you for it.” You trace the four-letter word on his fingers and press your lips to his. “Now tell me all about what you guys have been planning. I’m your girlfriend, but I’m still Army and I want my exclusive access information,” you say and laugh against his lips.

The mood in the room is much lighter now, his demeanor more relaxed as he tells you some of the plans for the following months. He cannot tell you everything; this would ruin some of the surprises. But you can feel in the way his body is cuddling yours that he is not as anxious anymore, some of his worries about this new part of him being shown to the world fading away with each soft touch of your fingertips on his black ink.

Todoroki, Shinsou and Iida protecting you

Request: Hello can I request todo, shinsou and iida protecting their girlfriend from cat callers or something like that? Basically her being in a really uncomfortable situation and even though she is a fearless hero in the field because of past trauma she freezes up in these situations? Thank you - anonymous

This post might trigger some people since they might have experienced something similar both in the cat calling and past trauma department. I’ve never really written anything so serious and triggering before so this might suck. I’m sorry in advance. So TW beware. Love yaa.💖💖💖

rules

warnings: trauma, PTSD, semi non-con but not explicit, cat-calling, harassment, ends in fluff

Todoroki Shouto

-Shouto is really protective of you. 

-Not an overbearing type of protective, he just wants you to be safe and sound. 

-Also he knew about your abusive past.

-When he shared his family background you shared your own trauma and history with physical abuse. 

-It hurt him to hear you saying that someone you trusted, someone who used to be in his place, betrayed you like that. 

-If he could find your ex and beat him to a plump because of how he scarred you, he would. 

-But you reassured him that you were alright now, that he showed you what being loved felt like even though he himself didn’t really know how to love and that your past is what pushed you to be a hero. 

-Your relationship lasted even after high school and now, one year into the adult world, you two lived together. 

-It had been a tough day for your boyfriend at work, having to fight three major villain attacks and a mountain of paper work to tackle. 

-Fighting along side you was the highlight of his day. 

-He was the first to arrive at your apartment and had gotten to preparing dinner for you when his phone rang. 

-You smiled back at him from the screen as he accepted the call. 

- “Hey, love. I making so-”

- “Sho someone is following me.”

-He heard the panic in your voice and immediately turned off the stove walking to the door to put on his shoes. 

- “Y/N where are you?”

-You gave him your location and he was out the door in no time. 

-He kept you on the phone, talking to you, trying to restrain your panic. 

- “H-he was outside of the pharmacy near the a-agency.” 

-You never stuttered, oh god he was going to kill the man. 

- “I walked past him and he grabbed my arm a-and pushed me on the w-wall. Shouto he tried to t-touch me.”

-He was running now, his rage making his quirk go crazy as flames rose from his left shoulder. 

- “Baby I’m almost there, go into the convenience store on the corner and wait in there.”

-Your weak okay from the other line pushed him further. 

-He knew how certain acts reminded you of your ex, even after all these years. 

-They would send you into a small panic and even though you were one of the top upcoming heroes , you were still human at the end of the day your own past haunting you. 

-He was always there to chase those fears and memories away, never letting them get to close to you. 

-And now that’s exactly what he has set out to do; chase away the man who tried to hurt you. 

-Rounding the corner he was met with a sight he wished to never ever witness again. 

-It seems that you hadn’t made it into the store when he hang up and he slapped himself for not keeping you on the call for longer. 

-He heard your sobs as the man had you pinned to the wall his hand trying to unzip your jeans. 

-Shouto was fuming. 

-Without a second thought he grabbed the man by his jacket and shoved him to the ground, grabbing your elbows to steady you before pushing you gently behind him as the man stood up. 

- “Want a taste of her too boy?”

- “Get the fuck away from her!”

-Shouto kept one of his arms behind him pressing you onto his back as the other activated his quirk frost forming from his elbow to his palm. 

-He could feel your trembling as you clutched onto his shirt, on of your hands grasping his own squeezing it. 

-The man backed away at the sight of Shouto’s ice raising his hands in the air admitting defeat. 

-Shouto however had other plans. 

-Freezing the man on the spot he growled as he fished his phone out of his pocket and called the police reporting what the man had done and his location.

- “If I ever see you again anywhere near her I’m not going to be this kind got it?”

-And with that you two left as the police sirens sounded in the distance. 

-Back in your apartment, Shouto helped you get undressed and then ran you a bath, wiping away the man’s touch and leaving small kisses were his hands used to be. 

-He helped you get dressed in one of his hoodies and a loose pair of sweatpants before setting you down on the couch and ordering your favorite food.

-He heard your small sniffles and sat down beside you, bringing you on his lap and letting you cry it out, rocking you back and forth as he kisses your hair.

-You calm down after some time but Shouto won’t let you leave his embrace.

- “I won’t let anyone else hurt you ever again. I don’t care where I am you will always call me when something happens. I love you.”

-For the next month or so Shouto was at your beck and call, never leaving your side and even going as far to take some days off to spend as much time with you as possible.

-He kept his promise as he kept you safe for the rest of your lives. 

Shinsou Hitoshi

-Hitoshi was there for you when he found out about how one of you family members had hurt you. 

-He was there when you would wake up with nightmares while sleeping in his dorm. 

-Or when you had panic attacks after someone came at you in a way that seemed all too familiar. 

-He was there every step of the way. 

-Hitoshi was really amazed at how you zoned in on your work and those thoughts never held you back. 

-PTSD was hard to battle and even harder to deal with in a work place such as yours. 

-After high school your panic attacks fell in numbers, leaving you to rest peacefully at night.

-Shinsou was sure he had chased your demons away, that you felt completely safe with him and that he would never see your trembles of fear ever again.

-But he was wrong. 

-You two were out on a date, walking along the beach on a sunny day enjoying each others company. 

-Shinsou went to buy you two ice cream leaving you to wait for him on a bench.

-You were minding your business, checking up with your agency to make sure everything is alright; after all it’s not everyday that your main two heroes are out of commission for the day. 

- “Damn girl where’d ya get all that ass!”

-It came from a group of man behind you who were staring at you like a piece of meat.

-You tried to ignore them switching to your messages ready to text Hitoshi.

- “Those shorts look so tight on you sweetheart.”

- “I bet it’s not the only thing that’s tight about her.”

-You had frozen up at the nickname.

-It brought back everything you and Shinsou had managed to scare off, pushing them down your throat making your insides twist in disgust. 

 -He isn’t here it’s just some awful cat callers, Y/N calm down. 

-You tried to calm yourself down using your common sense, separating the two situations and pointing out the differences, a  technique Shinsou had taught you while you were still in high school.

-You were so lost in thought you hadn’t noticed the three men hovering over you, one of them reaching down to grasp your thigh. 

-That’s when you started to tremble.

- “Aw look at her, she’s so excited..”

- “Let’s go have some fun pretty girl.”

- “We’ll make you feel so good you won’t be able to walk home.”

-You shoved the man’s hand away and went to get up only for an arm to snake around your waist  pulling you back down on the bench. 

- “Now now sweetheart don’t be naughty.”

-You wanted Hitoshi. 

-You wanted your Hitoshi so bad right now.

-And as if you had summoned him, purple hair could be seen above the men’s heads. 

-Shoving them off of you one more time you pushed through hitting Shinsou’s chest as he wrapped an arm around you. 

-He pushed you behind his back before scanning the three men, leveling them with a glare so sharp it could slice right through them. 

- “You better leave my girl alone before I get really angry.”

-The men scrambled to their feet before running off, terrified from Hitoshi’s structure. 

- “Kitten! Kitten are you alright? Did they hurt you? Please kitty talk to me.”

-Tears ran down your cheeks and Shisnou just pulled you gently into his chest before telling you that he was taking you home.

-This man will do everything in the house after that. 

-He undresses you and helps into the shower to clear their touch from your skin, then he dresses you in one of his large hoodies and lays you on the couch. 

-He can see you are still trembling so he comes back and takes you into his arms before going back to doing whatever he had in mind. 

-Now this is a scene to behold. 

-Two of Japan’s strongest heroes are walking around their house cosplaying a panda and its bamboo stick. 

 -He orders take out and then lays on the couch, still having you on his lap drowning your sobs in his chest as he says over and over again how sorry he is for leaving you alone and how much he loves you. 

-He knows you haven’t had an episode in what felt like ages. 

-It really shook him seeing you so helpless and terrified again. 

-He swore he would never see that petrified glint in your eyes. 

-That was his new mission. 

-And he was willing to do anything to accomplish it. 

Iida Tenya 

-Iida is well aware about how your ex had forced you to do certain things with him. 

-He also knew how you believed that what had happened had been your fault. 

-He had reassured you that nothing was your fault,that your ex was to blame and to never see yourself other than the victim in this situation. 

-It hurt him to see you suffer so much. 

-He had provided you with a shoulder to cry on and soon enough you two were together.

-When during your last year of high school, his comfort and words didn’t really cut it he encouraged you to see a therapist. 

-And that helped you a lot. 

-It untangled the parts Iida couldn’t reach on his own and coupled with his support you managed to pull yourself fully out of the whole that your ex had dug. 

-Now Iida knew that somethings still triggered you. 

-He knew what he should and shouldn’t do while you two are being intimate and what he should watch out for. 

-So when you two are taking the train to visit Deku in his agency for his birthday and he feels you squeezed his hand a little too hard he knew something was up. 

-You had buried you face in his shoulder, something he wouldn’t allow if you had asked, squeezing his hand as your breathing became uneven. 

-Iida looked around expecting to see your ex somewhere thinking that he was the reason for your small attack. 

-But he found no one he knew in the crowd. 

-Then his eyes fell back down to you and from the corner of his eye he caught movement under your dress. 

-Following the source of the movement with his eyes he was met with the lustful eyes of a grown ass man, his hand under your skirt groping and squeezing you. 

-He saw his hand trying to separate your thighs and that’s when he fully snapped. 

-Grabbing the man’s hand he shoved it in his chest before placing himself between you and him. 

- “How dare you touch her like that? You should be ashamed of yourself!!”

-The whole train was looking at the man at this point and Iida could see how the vein on his forehead popped. 

- “Being an adult, you should know better.”

-Others chimed in insulting and shaming the man while others asked you if you were alright. 

-At the next stop the person got off a chain of angry comments following him out. 

- “Y/N honey are you alright?”

-You buried your face in his chest and he let you stay there for the rest of the ride. 

-He placed on hand on your back rubbing soft circles over your sweater and talking to you not allowing your thoughts/memories to creep further into your mind. 

-He kept your hand in his for as long as you were away from your apartment. 

-You would squeeze his hand every now and then, grounding yourself. 

-Once at home late that evening he pampered you. 

-He ran you a bubble bath and cooked your favorite food. 

-He made a small pillow fort on your couch while you were in the bath and he waited for you to finish. 

-The rest of your day and night was spent in your boyfriend’s arms never letting you go once. 

-He provided his warmth and comfort. 

-Just like when you were in high  school.

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good luck charm | kth

summary: kim taehyung has nearly everything he’s ever dreamed of: an apartment in new york city, a lead role in an off-broadway play, and a best friend to share it with. but even still, there’s one thing missing—love. and when he goes on the hunt for it, he dots every i and crosses every t, leaves no stone unturned, but forgets to look at the person who could ever love him the most: you.

{friends to lovers!au, roommates!au, actor!au}

pairing: kim taehyung x female reader genre: fluff, angst, unrequited love word count: 11k a/n: a huge thank you to MK for commissioning me for this piece–i hope it’s everything you dreamed of!!!! these are tough times, but i hope this can serve as a distraction to everyone!! please stay safe and wash your hands! if you’re interested in commissioning me, check out this post! also, if the pictures are unclear, click on them for higher resolution!

“Well, if it isn’t my favorite customer.”

You see a tuft of purple hair sticking out behind a basket of orange pansies, two nimble hands with long fingers fiddling with the stems. 

“I bet you say that to everyone,” you tease, as Namjoon peers out from where he’s hiding behind a shelf of flowers, greeting you with the same warm grin he always wears. 

Namjoon pauses, gaze tilting upwards as he corrects himself, “my favorite customer who’s about to confess to her best friend of four years with a bouquet arranged by yours truly?”

You roll your eyes, thankful that there’s nobody else inside this little flower shop. Not that you seem to have an issue exposing your entire life story to certain strangers, especially if they’ve got dimples and colored hair to match. Namjoon has always been something of an exception—perhaps he is one of the closest friends you have here in the city, where everything moves so quickly you barely have time to say hello to a new acquaintance. Namjoon and his flower shop are a respite, a safe haven in a bustling world, where time always seems to move slower than it does outside. 

“Don’t remind me, I’m sweating just thinking about it,” you tell him, trying to cover your nervousness with a laugh. 

“Ah, well how could I forget, when you came to me to arrange the perfect bouquet for tonight?” Namjoon says. He chops a wilting flower from its stem and places it behind his ear. Even though it’s a little sadder, a little less lively than its comrades, the bright yellow of the primrose complements his hair nicely, making him look even more ethereal, magical, than he already does. 

“Who else would I ask besides the best bouquet-maker in town?” You ask as Namjoon leads you to the counter, where various bouquets have been laid out in vases, ready for pick-up. It’s a secret garden here, all green and fresh and calm, a sharp contrast to the industrial machine outside. 

Namjoon heads to the back, a room behind a little wooden door that’s the slightest bit too short for him, so he has to bend down to avoid hitting his head (he still hits his head rather frequently, though), as you breathe in the scents of the flowers surrounding you, the roses and the daisies and everything in between. It’s not much, but it does calm the thick beating of your heart ever so slightly, and that’s enough. 

He emerges a minute or so later, banging his head on the way out. In his hands is one of the biggest bouquets you’ve ever laid eyes on, thick with some flowers you recognize but more you don’t. It’s breathtaking and gorgeous and impressive, all at once. 

“Namjoon, you know that I didn’t ask for this many flowers,” you chide as he plops the bouquet down onto the counter, clicking away at the ancient cash register to his left. 

“Consider it a good luck gift,” Namjoon tells you with a wink. 

You sigh, pulling out your card to pay him. “I could use all of the luck I could get.” The likelihood of tonight going more right than wrong is miniscule. But what else can you do, besides try? “What do they all mean?”

“Well, the daffodils represent honesty and truth. The red carnations mean love, obviously. So do the chrysanthemums. The baby’s breath is just for decoration, but it also means everlasting love. The gardenias are for secret love. And the freesia is just because I thought it went well with the bouquet,” Namjoon says expertly, pointing to each one as he tells you what it means. “I don’t know if Taehyung’s super up with his flower meanings, but I think that even the gesture will say more than enough. But if he is, this is just a bonus.”

“I feel like it’s going to go really badly, is that wrong?” You say, the nerves overtaking you. You were hoping to just act calm and collected, thank Namjoon for the bouquet and be on with your lives, but even you can’t help but seek advice from him. 

Namjoon lets out a laugh. “If you think it’s going to go so badly, why have you planned so much?” He poses. “It’s normal to be nervous about this sort of thing—what if I mess up, what if he doesn’t feel the same way, what if he rejects me—but I think that, deep down inside of you, there’s a part that thinks that it will all be worth it. And I don’t know, maybe I’m just a sucker for happy endings, but I think that that’s the most important. The part of you that doesn’t want to spend the rest of its life thinking about what might have been.” Namjoon’s phone lights up next to him, his lockscreen a picture of him and another boy, shorter, but with the same dyed hair. The two look so happy together. He gazes down at it, exhales, and shuts his phone off. “Just my two cents.”

“You’re wise beyond your years, Kim Namjoon,” you tell him with a smile. Maybe you are nervous about the what ifs, nervous that this whole thing could blow up in your face, but is it so naive of you to listen to that whisper in your heart? The one that says, maybe he feels the same? “I wish you’d take your own advice, sometimes.”

“It’s different,” Namjoon murmurs to himself. “He and I… this is all we’ll ever be.”

“You don’t know unless you try,” you tell him. You know the feeling. Perhaps, if tonight goes well, it will encourage him to give it a shot himself. “You never know.” Namjoon looks up at you, smile wide but eyes sad. There’s clearly something more that he isn’t mentioning, but you won’t push it. You get it. How could you not? “What if he does feel the same?”

The bell above the door rings on your way out, fingers clenching onto a bouquet, praying and wishing and dreaming that maybe this will all be worth it, in the end.

Something is up with Kim Taehyung. 

When you return to your apartment, Kim Taehyung is slouched on your dinky loveseat, arm deep inside a six-month-old box of Frosted Flakes, as an episode of Jeopardy! plays on his laptop, his eyes empty and glazed over as he stares at Alex Trebek, wordless.

You nearly jump in shock, terrified that he’ll spot you and the enormous bouquet in your hands, terrified that he’ll ask you about it, terrified that your entire plan for tonight will get flushed down the toilet the moment you and him lock eyes. But it doesn’t, because Kim Taehyung doesn’t even acknowledge you when you walk in, for better or for worse, and you manage to stash the bouquet into a vase in your bedroom before rounding on your roommate, because something is up with Kim Taehyung. 

Kim Taehyung hates Frosted Flakes. The only reason they’re in your apartment to begin with is because Jungkook had brought them over one time when he was visiting, and even then they were stale. Now they’re extra stale. So stale that they make a hollow sound on your countertop when you tap them against the laminate. 

Kim Taehyung normally shuffles through Jeopardy! like it’s nobody’s business. He gets at least a quarter, if not half of the questions correct, and always earns more points than you. But he doesn’t even open his mouth when Alex Trebek says, “This Renaissance artist left Florence to serve as principal engineer for the Duke of Milan’s army” and you know that he knows it’s Leonardo Da Vinci. 

Kim Taehyung normally has plenty to say, especially to Sawyer the Suspicious Floor Dip, who currently resides in your living room. Sawyer the Suspicious Floor Dip has been your honorary second roommate ever since the two of you moved into this apartment four months ago. Taehyung made him a little museum placard that is framed and hanging on the wall above him, and he has an account on every social media website under the sun. Sawyer the Suspicious Floor Dip has more followers on Instagram than you do. But today, both he and Sawyer are silent and unmoving. 

“Tae?” You ask, treading over to the couch as he empties the box of Frosted Flakes into his stomach, finishing up the episode. “Is everything alright?”

“Mmrph,” he mumbles in response. You suppose that means he said fine, which means that no, everything is not alright. 

“What’s going on? You’re normally really excited the day of your shows,” you ask. At least he hasn’t entirely turned into a soulless hermit, and he moves his legs off of the couch so you can sit beside him. “Is something wrong?”

“No,” Taehyung says, louder. “I don’t know. I feel like it’s going to go really badly, is that wrong?”

You smile softly, shaking your head as you reach a hand out, letting it rest in his lap before he takes your hand in his. “No, it’s not. Tonight’s a big deal, isn’t it? You must be under a lot of pressure to do well.”

“I’m just so worried that I’ll fuck it up and everyone will hate me forever,” Taehyung says, exasperated. It’s almost as if he’s tired with himself for being so negative. 

“You’re not gonna fuck it up and nobody is going to hate you. I’ll always love you, you know that,” you assure him. 

“Yeah, I know,” Taehyung says, but the worst part is that you’re not sure if he really does. 

“It’s okay to be nervous, and to worry. Tonight is really important. But you’re an incredible actor, and you’ve always been so good at what you do,” you tell him, thumb rubbing against the back of his hand softly. “I can’t tell you how proud I am of you.”

Taehyung lets his head rest on your own and the two of you sit together on the couch in silence, watching as the minutes on his laptop clock tick by. You can hear his heartbeat, steady and soft, firm underneath his chest. You wonder if he can hear yours. Hear how it’s picking up speed, hear how it beats only for him. 

“You always know what to say,” Taehyung tells you. “I wish I knew how to do that.”

You grin sadly to yourself, happy that the two of you are side by side so he doesn’t have to see your face. How could Taehyung tell you something like that? How could he, when every time you’re near him, you’re speechless?

You never really considered yourself to be a theater person when you were younger. You would fall asleep when you went to see plays with your parents or on a school field trip. You never made an effort to go see the performances that your school put on. You were one-hundred percent confident that you would go through all four years of university without seeing one of the fifteen different theater groups’ shows, not because you hated them, but because they never crossed your mind in the first place. 

And then, you met Kim Taehyung. 

You met Kim Taehyung halfway through your freshman year because the two of you were in the same Cinematography in the 1900’s class. And then, suddenly, you were eating the same shitty food in the dining hall after class ended at seven in the evening. And then, suddenly, you were studying together, spending nights watching Jeopardy! on his laptop when you didn’t feel like doing any work. And then, suddenly, Kim Taehyung mentioned in passing one day that he had a show that Friday, and would you like to come, it would really mean a lot to him, he thinks you’ll really like it. 

And then, suddenly, you were a theater person. 

That night was the first night Kim Taehyung had ever taken your breath away. And every performance, every night, every fucking moment after that, he never stopped.

Tonight is no exception. You can’t say that you’re super well-versed in theater fame and its technicalities, but you think that this may just be Taehyung’s best performance yet. Here, in this theater off of Sixth Avenue, to a crowd of two, perhaps three hundred people, Taehyung is nothing short of amazing. He never is. From the moment he steps on stage in a raggedy old flannel and jeans, eyes wide with dreams, he reels you in and makes sure that you won’t leave this theater, won’t leave here unscathed. But the fatal blow is halfway through, when he finally spots you in the third row, sees you staring up at him in wonder, and he smiles. 

There is so much that you wish you could tell him. 

After the show, you race back to your apartment, desperate to finish up the last of the preparations before he arrives, after taking off all of his makeup and his costumes, saying goodbye to all of his co-stars. Normally, you’d hang around, let him introduce you, but tonight is different. Special. 

[September 8th, 9:35PM]

You: Had to go home bc I’m planning a special something for the star of the night! Sorry I missed all of the fun afterwards You: Something very important to tell you

Taehyung: ohoho Taehyung: I wonder who that could be Taehyung: Coming soon. I have something to tell you too! ^^

You stare at the text as you grab the vase of flowers from your room, setting it up at your very unimpressive kitchen table. What could Taehyung possibly have to tell you? Other than perhaps a thanks for showing up (as if you weren’t going to). 

What if, that voice whispers. The part deep in your heart, the one that you wish would shut up sometimes. 

“No,” you say aloud, perhaps more for yourself than anyone else. “No. I have something to tell him. I have to tell him this.”

You never know, she says. He might. What are you waiting for?

You pull out all of the scented candles in the apartment, setting them up on the coffee table and on the windowsills. There’s a plate of macarons that you had purchased from the fancy bakery in Midtown sitting by the vase, a little treat for the two of you since your diets usually consist of premade Costco pasta and takeout. 

There is so much you want to tell him. So much to say, and no way to do it. It seems impossible. As the minutes tick by, as he gets closer and closer, you wonder if you even have the courage to open your mouth. It’s not as if this is life-changing news. It would be so easy, so easy to just pretend that this is nothing but a celebration of Taehyung’s very first major off-Broadway show, to push down the ache in your heart and tell that voice to stay quiet, if only for a little longer. You’ve lived like this for so long already. Who’s to say you can’t live like this forever?

Taehyung comes home as you’re flicking through late-night television show reruns and fiddling with a Rubix cube, anything to keep your mind occupied and your fingers busy. You hear as he fumbles with the lock—his key has always been a little bit off—and scramble to get everything ready, shutting your laptop and putting the Rubix cube on your designated Weird Stuff Shelf. The apartment smells like a hodgepodge of vanilla, flowers, cinnamon, and champagne, and the flowers are already starting to wilt slightly. But it’s now or never, really. 

Taehyung swings the door open with a grin and gasps in excitement when he sees you, standing in the hazy, flickering yellow light of the kitchen, surrounded by candles, with a plate of macarons and a vase of flowers on the table. 

“Oh my God!” He says, overjoyed, high off of the adrenaline from a successful show, eyes still sparking from the spotlight. “Y/N! What is all of this?”

“Just a little something from me to you,” you say awkwardly. You have no idea how to tell him. You’re not sure if you even will. “To celebrate.”

“Dare I say, this apartment has never looked better,” he tells you, beaming. He walks over to where you’re hovering by the kitchen table, knee deep in it all, admiring the sight before him. He leans over you, ever so slightly, as he takes in the scent of the flowers, the macarons sitting before him. And then he turns to you, the glow from the candles making his eyes warm and caramel-y, almost as if they’re shimmering in the light, and he says, “You did all of this for me?”

“Of course,” you tell him, because you would do this again and again if it means you could see him like this. If you could watch him burst through the front door for the rest of your goddamn life, watch as he comes home to you. “Tonight’s special.”

“It wouldn’t be without you,” he tells you honestly, candidly. He tells you that because he means it. You wish you could say the same things to him. “You’re my best friend, Y/N.”

It’s now or never. If he takes one step closer, turns to look at you one more time, you don’t know if you’ll still have the courage. You don’t know if you even have it right now, but tomorrow, when you wake up, you don’t want to regret this night. You don’t want to wonder what if, what might have been. You’ve been friends for so long. Who’s to say you can’t be more than that?

“I have something to tell you,” you breathe out, words heavy on your tongue. You can feel your heart seize up, almost like it’s holding its breath with you. 

“Right, you said that,” Taehyung says with a nod, stuffing a cherry macaron into his mouth. “I have something to tell you, too.”

“Do you want to go first?” You ask him. You just need a little more time. You just want to hear his voice once more. 

“Okay,” Taehyung says happily. “I got a girlfriend!” 

Oh. 

Oh. 

Well. 

Okay. 

“Really?” You ask, trying to make it sound more like a Really? That’s great! and not a Really? I thought that we had something special. You don’t think that you’re doing a very good job.

“Yeah!” Taehyung says. He’s ecstatic. It tears your heart in two. “I mean, I know I’m just… a super, hopeless romantic and I fall in love with people when they hold the door open for me, but I’m really happy with her. It’s Ariel, actually, she played Lucy! Isn’t it funny how even though our characters never even officially met, we still found something there?”

“Yeah,” you say, emotionless. Taehyung is far too excited, far too joyous to notice. 

“I just—I wanted to tell you, because you’re my best friend and you deserve to know,” he says, breaking off half of the raspberry macaron and holding it out to you. “What did you want to tell me? Did you say it was important?”

“Oh, uh…” you fumble, shaking your head at the macaron. Your stomach has never felt smaller. It’s like there’s nothing left to say to him. “I think I’m getting transferred to another office.” It’s not news. Your job told you that last week. But it’s something, and it’s better than being honest. Anything is, at this point. “They might pay a little more.”

“Yay!” Taehyung says. “That’s great! Now, maybe we can fix up the lights in the kitchen. So they don’t read horror movie every time I try to make pasta at 2AM. I’m happy for you, you deserve it!”

You smile, putting on a brave face, just for him. “Me too.” You can’t muster up the strength to say anything else. 

Taehyung spends the rest of the night gobbling down the macarons and telling you all about Ariel, as you try desperately to tune him out. Even the sound of your own thoughts would be better than this. Anything. Anything. Eventually, after it’s long past midnight and Taehyung realizes he’ll need his sleep for the show tomorrow night, he bids you goodbye and sets off to his room, a bounce in his step.

You stand in the middle of your apartment. Even though it’s small, and even though you have him, it’s never felt emptier.

Namjoon always says that flowers don’t just need food and water to stay happy. They need love, they need to be surrounded by happiness. He says that they can feel it, that they react to it. That’s why he always tries to be happy when he’s working. Because he hates seeing the flowers so sad. He says they remind him of himself.

It’s no wonder why the flowers in the vase look even more wilted than before.

Here’s the thing: You had pretty much always known that it was going to hurt like this. There had always been that part of you, deep down inside, that knew that there was no way it wasn’t going to hurt like this. That knew that there was nothing you could do to stop it from hurting like this. 

And still, foolishly so, you allowed yourself to believe that maybe, just maybe, telling him would make it stop. You gave into this fantasy that, even if he didn’t feel the same, even if he let you down easy, even if he told you that he just wanted to be friends, it would be better. 

That’s the worst part of it all, really. The fact that you never even told him. Couldn’t. Wouldn’t. Didn’t. You never told him, and now, somehow, everything is even worse than before. 

The flowers have long been thrown out by now, tossed out after hardly a week, unable to stand the tension in the air, the emptiness that lingered far beyond that night. Still, you remembered to keep one, plucking it from the vase before it died of secondary sadness. Because even if they hurt you, even if they tear at your heartstrings one by one, you’ve always had this terrible habit of never letting go of what you love. You pressed the flower with an old college textbook, placed it into a thin little vase, meant for one flower only. A red carnation, to remind you of what you could have had. What might have been. 

Kim Taehyung is significantly less worried this time around as he prepares for the opening night of his latest play. He wakes up early and does some yoga in the living room, pushing all of the furniture to the walls so he has enough space to Downward Dog in peace. He watches a couple episodes of Jeopardy! as he eats the Pad Thai he Doordashed to your apartment, and gets half of the questions correct. Even from your bedroom, you can hear him talking to Sawyer. 

“I’m excited for tonight, Sawyer,” he says to him. “I don’t know, last time I did Shakespeare was sophomore year in college, I think? I was Mercutio. It was fun and I got to use a sword. Y/N came to that show, too. I annoyed her so much that night that she told me that she was glad Tybalt killed me, but we had a good time anyway.”

Sawyer doesn’t say anything back, because he is a Suspicious Floor Dip in your living room. But it’s so lovely to hear Taehyung’s voice again. 

“Do you think that Y/N’s been acting weird, lately?” Taehyung asks. “I just feel like—I feel like she and I aren’t as close these days. She works in her room a lot more and some days I don’t see her at all. Which is crazy, because we live together. My ex always said it was a little weird how I lived with my best friend who is also a girl. But I don’t think it is. Do you think I did something wrong?”

No, you wish you could say, leaning against your thin bedroom door as you hear Taehyung wonder aloud. Never, in a million years. It was me, you want to tell him. I got my hopes up and now I’m paying the price. It’s not you. It’s never you. 

“Yeah, I guess she’s just busier these days,” Taehyung says with a sigh. “She did get transferred to that new office a couple of months ago. But she’s still my best friend. I’ll never stop telling her that—she deserves to know that no matter what, she always has me.”

“Sawyer the Suspicious Floor Therapist, huh?” You interrupt, finally getting the nerve to open your door. Taehyung’s on his way out, all dressed, backpack on his shoulder. He has to be at the theater a few hours before the show begins, anyway. 

“He’s just so easy to talk to,” Taehyung jokes. “Did you… uh… did you hear that?”

“The part about being your best friend?” You ask with an eyebrow raise, making Taehyung smile. You don’t mention the other things you heard. You don’t think that would make things better. 

(You’re not sure what will, at this point. Telling him is off the table. You distantly wonder if it was ever on the table to begin with.)

“Just making sure you knew,” Taehyung says with a grin. “Don’t want you forgetting about that.”

“How could I?” You muse, and it makes him smile something fierce and makes you wish that things were different. 

“You’re coming tonight, right?” Taehyung says. He must know the answer, already. 

“Of course I am,” you tell him. “Who do you take me for?”

“I’ll look for you in the crowd, okay?” Taehyung says, a hand on the doorknob as he gets ready to leave. “Keep an eye out for me. Promise?”

It’s always been so hard to say no to him. 

“Promise,” you tell him. 

That night, you sit a little further back, shadowed by the mezzanine above you, but Taehyung finds you anyway. As he schmoozes his way through the storyline on stage, he sends a wink your way, a couple of the girls in the row in front of you giggling to each other when he does. You sort of wish he was really winking at them. That way, it would hurt a little less. 

Afterwards, you linger around in the lobby, waiting for him like you always have, like you always do, like you always will. You don’t have anything special waiting for him back at your apartment. There’s nothing left to tell him. 

You spot his head of soft, wavy brown hair far before he spots you, can make it out in a sea of cast members as they cheer for themselves, celebrating another successful opening show. Your face lights up when you see him, when you see that he sees you. This is how it has always been. This is how it should be—you find each other in the crowd, grinning as you congratulate him, as he introduces you to his cast members and then invites you to the afterparty. You spend the night together, high off of the adrenaline and just a little tipsy, before stumbling back to your apartment, basking in the afterglow. 

You want nothing more than for things to go back to the way they were. 

And then, you see her. 

“Y/N!” Taehyung shouts excitedly, and it takes all of your strength to not let your face fall as she comes into view, hand interlaced with Taehyung’s. “I knew you’d be here!”

“How could I not be?” You say, letting Taehyung wrap you in a one-armed hug rather than two. “You know me.”

“This is my girlfriend,” Taehyung introduces proudly, motioning to the pretty girl beside him as she waves at you good-naturedly. “Madison, this is my roommate and college best friend, Y/N.”

“Taehyung talks about you non-stop,” Madison says with a smile. “It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“All good things, I hope,” you say, because what else are you supposed to say to the love of your life’s new girlfriend? How else can you salvage this conversation when you already see it going terribly? “You both were really good tonight. I’m happy that I came.”

“Me too!” Taehyung grins. “Did you see me wink at you? I promised you I would.”

You nod, eyes desperately scanning the rest of the room, the rest of the people, the floor, anything to keep from watching as Madison drapes herself over Taehyung, intertwines their hands as she leans against him, like she can’t get enough of him. 

“Hey, do you want to come to the afterparty? It’s at Alex’s house, apparently he has this brownstone in Brooklyn all to himself, I’ve heard it’s gorgeous—”

“No, actually, I have a lot of work that I need to catch up on,” you interrupt. You don’t think you’d last five minutes there, where the only person you know is Taehyung, where he’s got a girlfriend on his arm the entire time. You aren’t even sure how you’re faring now, if you’re even  breathing, standing before him and his equally-gorgeous new partner. 

You just wish everything could go back to normal.

Taehyung’s brows furrow, disappointed. “Oh, you do? But—”

“Yeah, I’m just—I’m really sorry, Tae, you know I want to. But I should get going. It was really nice meeting you, Madison, I hope we can see each other again sometime—” You spew out a few more goodbyes and even more apologies as you rush towards the exit, turning away so you don’t have to see Taehyung calling after you. 

On the way back, you bump into Namjoon, who’s closing up shop for the day. He looks positively exhausted, always working diligently from morning to far past sunset every day, but he smiles when he sees you, setting aside his tired eyes to say hello. 

“Hey, Y/N, fancy seeing you here,” he greets. “How are you? How’d it go?” He gives you a sort of grin that means that he thinks it went super well. 

“Not great,” you tell him truthfully, because it’s late and you don’t feel like hiding things anymore. 

“Oh,” Namjoon says. He opens his mouth to say something else, but you can see the hesitation in his eyes, the way he thinks that none of the things he has to say will go down very well. You know the feeling. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s alright,” you assure him, even though it’s not. “It’s not that big of a deal.”

“Isn’t it, though?” Namjoon asks solemnly. 

You frown. “Do you really think we should both be having this conversation?” Namjoon has his own secrets, his dreams of a short boy with colored hair by his side. “You aren’t much better.”

“No, I’m not,” he muses to himself. “But it is a big deal, Y/N. Please don’t act like it isn’t. You love him, don’t you? Even if he doesn’t love you back.”

You love him. 

It’s not a secret anymore. 

You love him like the stars love the moon, surrounding her in their light, making sure she never gets lonely. You love him like an old Hollywood movie, film faded and worn, getting played once in a while to make sure you never forget where you started. You love him like a flower, carnations, daffodils, chrysanthemums, perking up when you’re around him and wilting when you’re not. 

“It doesn’t matter,” you say with a sigh. Certainly, there are more important things to dwell on. You’re looking for a new job because being an office temp isn’t exactly what you were envisioning for your life. You want to start fixing up the bathroom, because the grout by the shower is starting to disintegrate. Sawyer the Suspicious Floor Dip is a fire hazard. “I’m okay with just being friends.”

Namjoon smiles, and it’s so sad, but not with pity. It’s sad with I know, and sad with feeling, because he gets it, and that must be why you’re here, standing on the sidewalk at ten on a Friday night, underneath the street lamps as the city begins to open its eyes. “But when you have him the way you do, how can you be okay with any of it?”

Taehyung comes home late that night, and you only know because you’re running to the bathroom at the same time he fumbles with the door. He takes longer than usual, which means he’s drunk, and you can only hope and pray that he’s alone. You watch as he finally manages to unlock the door, stumbling inside, managing to turn on the main overhead lights in your apartment as he does. From where you’re peering at him from the darkness of the hallway, you can make out dark red, purple spots all along his skin. 

You pull the bathroom door almost shut, leaving it a little ajar so you can gaze out at him, watch as he pours himself a glass of water and downs the entire thing before he makes his way to the hallway, heading for his bedroom. From here, you see the way his hair is mussed, all fucked up from someone’s hands in it, see the marks up close, the way they line his neck, his jaw, his collarbones. He finds his way to his bedroom and shuts the door behind him as you stand, trapped in the bathroom, mad at him for not knowing but furious at yourself for being so ridiculous.

Love was never supposed to hurt like this. 

The next time that you attend one of Taehyung’s opening nights, you don’t stick around long afterwards. 

You were planning on it, of course, like you always do, because ever since college you’ve made a point to see him after a show, tell him all of the things you wish you could say to him all of the time, you were amazing, you were brilliant, you were perfect in every way. You even have a small bouquet of flowers in your hands, arranged by none other than Namjoon—a pity bouquet, an I hope that you two can still be friends bouquet—ready to give to him, ready to see them sitting on your kitchen table as a reminder. 

And then, you see the way he kisses her, overcome with joy, running on that post-show high. You see the way he pulls her into him and plants one on her, arms wrapped around each other as they celebrate, in their own special way. 

Suddenly, the flowers feel like dead weight in your hands. 

You manage to catch one of the few co-stars of Taehyung’s that you recognize, one who was in Our Lives with him. His name is Seokjin, and he’s gorgeous. Broadway material. Emmy, Grammy, Oscar, Tony material. He stops to say hello to you, and you ask if he could give the bouquet to Taehyung, tell him it was from you. 

Seokjin’s nice. He doesn’t ask why, he just nods. It saves you the trouble of telling him. Nobody wants to listen to your sob story. He says goodbye to you, and that he hopes to see you again soon. You hope so too. 

You spend the night curled up in your room pretending that everything is fine. You don’t see Taehyung when he comes home, and you don’t see him the next day, either. 

It’s not as if you’ve started to avoid Taehyung entirely. You live together—it would be downright impressive if you didn’t see each other for a whole day. It’s just, sometimes he still—

“Y/N? Wanna order Pad Thai?”

“Hey, Y/N, they’re playing The Devil Wears Prada on Freeform, do you want to come watch with me?”

“Central Park is having a Dog Festival, do you wanna go together?”

And sometimes, you just can’t. The thought of spending time with him makes your heart ache, whether it be from not wanting to be too close, or from missing him terribly. Either way, you don’t know if you’ll ever be able to muster up the same courage you once had. 

Turning to look at the pressed carnation in the vase atop your dresser, you laugh to yourself. It’s hard to believe that just a few months ago you thought that you would finally be able to tell him, to open up your heart and let him look into it like a kaleidoscope. Hard to believe that there was once a time when you thought that maybe, just maybe, he loved you back. It feels like it was eons ago. Like it was another universe entirely. 

You know that it’s not right for you to do this to Taehyung. He’s still your best friend. He always will be. He has no idea. He’ll never know. 

But sometimes—

Sometimes he comes home love drunk, wasted on kisses, splotches of pink lip gloss decorating his skin. 

Sometimes he spends dinner telling you all about the date he went on, the amazing vodka shrimp linguine he had, as the two of you eat Kirkland spaghetti in your dinky apartment. 

Sometimes he tells you that you’re his best friend, and that he misses you. 

Being in love with Taehyung had always been easy. It was being best friends, and making sure to keep the feelings a secret, that was hard. 

Taehyung isn’t home tonight. You hadn’t asked him where he’d be. You didn’t think that it mattered. 

And you tell yourself, over and over again, that it doesn’t matter. That you don’t need to know where he is every second of every day. He’s got a life outside of what exists in your stuffy apartment, a whole world of people craning to see him. He has reviews written about him in  The New York Times and people lining up outside the theater for his autograph on their Playbill. There’s so much more to his life than what he has with you. 

It’s better this way, you tell yourself, even if it’s not. Even if every time you step into your apartment, glance over at the vase on the kitchen table, you are reminded that it’s worse. Every time you see a damn carnation, daffodil, chrysanthemum, you can’t help but wish that things were different. You’re even starting to avoid Namjoon. 

That night finds you at a small Italian restaurant in a tiny alley off of Ninth Street. You’ve never been, but it had good reviews on Yelp and you could do with spending some time alone, wallowing in your feelings somewhere other than your bedroom. You’re starting to feel suffocated just being there. It would be good for you to get out. 

It would be good for you to get out, because the apartment reeks of what ifs, of what could have beens, and you can’t spend more than five minutes inside without throwing yourself your own personal pity party. You hardly see Taehyung nowadays because you can’t bear looking into his eyes anymore. Everything is awful, and you wish that it wasn’t, but you don’t know what to do to fix it. 

But Fate seems to love doing that thing where it’s out to get you. From the moment you met Kim Taehyung, Fate decided that you would be her next target. That no moment with him would leave you unscathed. And tonight is no exception. 

It’s just your luck that, ten minutes after you’re seated, the bell above the door rings to signal another customer, and you look up to see Taehyung and his girlfriend strolling in, glowing under the warm yellow light. You’ve never been more thankful, in that moment, to be seated right beside the bathroom, just out of sight of the booth that the hostess leads them to. It’s terrible, and it’s terrible, and it’s terrible. You watch as they order two glasses of a fancy rosé and giggle as they cheers to their show, to their lives, and to themselves. They spend the evening in the light of a single exposed bulb above their head, laughing and smiling and talking. 

The craziest part is that once upon a time, that would have been you. You and Taehyung would have decided that the night was a restaurant day and not a stay-at-home-and-cook-meal day. You would have found a quaint little place on Yelp and gotten the cheapest food on the menu. Once upon a time, you looked like that. 

[April 17th, 7:34PM]

Taehyung: [image sent] Taehyung: MMMMM look at this yummy yummy fish that I had tonight!! Taehyung: We should go here sometime!! I think you’d like it hehe

You look down at your plate. The food in front of you tastes like ash. 

“Congrats,” you say when you hear Taehyung leaving his bedroom, feet padding against the hardwood floor as he makes his way to the kitchen. 

“Huh?” Taehyung asks, eyes wide. It’s almost as if he’s surprised to see you out here, sitting on the couch, answering emails. Like he can’t believe you’re in your own home. You can’t blame him. “What are you talking about?”

“The review on The New York Times,” you tell him distantly, switching over to the tab on your computer where you read it. There’s a picture at the top of Taehyung and his co-star, front and center, holding hands as they look off into the distance, staring into an unknown future. “It’s your first five star review, isn’t it? They even listed it as the Critic’s Pick.”

“Oh, I… uh,” he begins, “I haven’t seen it yet. Been too busy.”

Bitterly, you wonder why. Even when you two are further apart than you have ever been, even when he spends all day out of the apartment and you spend all day inside, even when you barely fucking see each other, you can’t help but click on the articles that mention him, scroll through every review that mentions his name. 

Things might be different now, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be proud of him. Of what he does. Of who he is. 

“Well, they said great things,” you tell him, sparing him the trouble of looking. “You deserve it.”

“You’re coming tonight, right? You have to, if the play is getting such good reviews,” Taehyung asks, an olive branch. You’ve spent so much time doing everything you can to keep your relationship as distant as possible, hiding in your bedroom and eating dinner at odd hours. But this is the one thing that you both can still hold onto. Taehyung’s shows, his performances, and you, in the audience, always finding his eyes. If everything else is in shambles, at least you will always have this. “I think you’d like it.”

“It sounds very Matrix-y.”

“Well,” Taehyung says, shrugging. “It sort of is. But it’s also about love. You’d like that, right?”

You suppose you’d like it a little more in another timeline.

Taehyung continues, barely giving himself time to catch his breath. “Basically, these two kids are playing this life-simulation game where every move they make directly corresponds with the actions of the characters they’re playing as. Cue me and Lancaster. And we meet, and slowly fall in love, over a series of chance encounters. You know, a coffee shop, the bank, a restaurant.”

“Really?” You ask, brows furrowed. 

“Why?” Taehyung’s eyes widen in concern, smile downturned ever so slightly as he takes in your expression. 

“I don’t know—” you begin. There’s just something about the storyline that rubs you the wrong way. “Maybe I’m just being cynical. But is it really possible for two people to find love like that? Through chance? Luck?”

Perhaps, Namjoon would say. You can hear his voice echoing in your head now. After all, wasn’t it luck that brought the two of you together?

You shake his thoughts away. Namjoon’s got his own set of problems—he’s in no position to be the wise one in this scenario.

Taehyung shrugs, as if he’d never given that a thought to begin with. “I don’t know,” he says. “I think that love can blossom anywhere. Just so long as you nurture it, water it and give it lots of sunlight. I just—I think that if you look hard enough, you can find love anywhere.”

You turn to face him, blinking up at him as you stare at each other, sitting on this damn couch in the middle of your apartment. Taehyung waxes poetic in front of you, tells you that if you just fucking look for love, you’ll find it. But he doesn’t know—and he never will. You’ve been looking for love for the past four years, you’ve been searching in all of the nooks and crannies of your body, and the only place you’ve ever found it has been in the deep pit of your heart, dusty and quiet and forgotten. Even now, staring into his eyes, scanning every bit of his irises for even a sliver of it, a spark, you come up empty. 

How could he say something like that, when he lives with you? When he looks at you while you’re eating takeout or sitting and watching a movie together. Does he just not see it? Or worse—does he know, and just refuse to say anything?

Suddenly, your body turns cold. It’s hard to believe that someone as hopelessly romantic can’t see what’s right in front of him. 

“I wish that was how it worked,” you say sourly, the words leaving a bitter taste on your tongue. You snatch your laptop from the table and head into your room, leaving Taehyung alone on the couch, speechless.

He may be the one with flowers blooming in his heart, but you have been drowning for the past four years, and never have you felt further from the surface than right now. 

You don’t go to Taehyung’s opening show that night. 

Taehyung leaves to get ready at the theater at three in the afternoon, and you bid him goodbye before holing yourself up in your bedroom and keeping yourself busy. You start watching the newest season of Stranger Things and tidy up the knick knacks you have scattered all over the place. Anything to keep your mind occupied. 

Taehyung texts you during intermission.

[June 3rd, 8:55PM]

Taehyung: Hey are you here?

You don’t respond. 

By ten at night, you end up with the cleanest room you’ve had in years and half of the season left to watch. It’s not a great kind of busy. The red carnation atop your dresser stares into your soul and you nearly throw it out three different times. But it’s an okay kind of busy, because you don’t know if you could have beared to see Taehyung on stage tonight. See him dancing around with a beautiful girl on his arm, confessing his love for her and pulling her in for a kiss. 

Over the years, you have seen Taehyung kiss so many people. From the shy freshman boy cast next to him in a student-written play in college to the model-esque women on stage in an off-Broadway play with him. And it never used to hurt—not like this. You saw him lock lips with another and you supposed that that was just show business. 

But it’s not show business anymore. It stopped being show business that night, when he came home to an apartment lit up with candles, the sweet scent of macarons wafting through the air, and told you he had found someone. It hasn’t been show business since, not when Taehyung is looking for love and finds it everywhere except where you wish he would look most. 

Maybe you’re just being selfish. Taehyung doesn’t have to love you for you to love him. You knew that. You lived with that. He’s your best friend. He always will be. You can’t do anything to force him to love you back. You had always been fine with just being friends. 

But just—knowing that he doesn’t feel the same. Having that certainty rooted deep within you. That’s the part that hurts the most. 

Taehyung comes home earlier than he normally would on a day like this, catching you in the kitchen as you brew some chamomile tea, hoping that it will calm the waves that crash against the pier inside you. You turn to meet his eyes, and suddenly, you feel like you can’t see anything in them at all. 

“Why didn’t you come tonight?” He demands. “I looked for you and you weren’t there. Where were you?”

“Here,” you tell him. “I was thinking maybe I would go tomorrow.”

“But you’re always at my opening show,” Taehyung says, like you don’t know that already. “Why didn’t you come? Did I do something wrong?”

“No, you didn’t,” you tell him. You don’t think you’re drunk or tired enough for this conversation. At ten at night, you’re still cognizant, aware of what consequences this conversation might have when you wake up in the morning. 

“Then why weren’t you there? You know I need you there,” Taehyung pleads, coming up to you as you stand in your kitchen, waiting for the kettle to boil.

“No, I didn’t know that,” you tell him firmly. You went to his opening shows because it was tradition. Not because it was necessary. 

“You’re my good luck charm, for god’s sake, Y/N,” Taehyung says, fists curled up at his sides. You can tell that he’s trying hard not to burst at the seams, like there are so many things he’s holding at the tip of his tongue. “I did such a shit job tonight without you there. I spent the entire first half of the show looking out into the crowd so much that Lancaster asked me if I had taken anything before we started.”

“That’s not my fault,” you tell him. “I didn’t know that you thought I was your good luck charm, or whatever.” And, because you’re bitter and petty and heartbroken, you add, “I would have thought that would be something your girlfriend is.”

Taehyung loses it. “What’s been going on with you, Y/N? Why are you being like this? Ever since my first show, I feel like we’re drifting further and further apart. You never want to spend time with me, you never want to come to my afterparties, you barely spare a glance at my girlfriends when I introduce them to you, and now, you’ve stopped coming to my shows. All of these things that I thought that we shared, ever since college. Tell me, Y/N, am I doing something wrong? Is there something that I’ve missed? Because it feels like we’re fucking strangers.”

The water finishes boiling, the kettle whistling on the stovetop as steam billows from the spout. “I’m not obligated to do any of those things, Taehyung,” you tell him harshly. “Just because we did them in college doesn’t mean I have to keep doing them now. What, did you think we’d still be doing that sort of stuff when we’re thirty? Forty, fifty? They were just college traditions.”

“‘College traditions’?” Taehyung asks, astounded. “Were all of those nights that we spent together just college traditions, too? Are we not allowed to do those things anymore? I miss you, Y/N. I hate not having you around and tonight was the worst it’s ever been. I don’t know what to do or say, I don’t know how to fix this, I don’t even fucking know what’s broken.”

“I just need space, Taehyung,” you tell him, hands gripping the edge of the countertop as you stare at the laminate, eyes tracing the lines to keep you from meeting his own. “I just need some time to myself, that’s all.”

“But why, Y/N?” Taehyung pleads, He reaches over to grab your hand, holds it in between the two of you like a lifeline. 

“‘Why?’” You echo angrily. “You don’t know? You can’t tell? We’ve known each other for four years and you haven’t realized?” You tug your hand from his grasp. It’s clear you’re beating a dead horse. You wonder why you even tried in the first place. How naive you were, standing in the kitchen surrounded by scented candles and flowers and macarons, dreaming of a life with him by your side. Foolish. 

“Realized what?” 

“That I’m in love with you!” You shout, and the world goes silent. The kettle stops whistling, the water having evaporated into nothing, the packet of chamomile tea left, forgotten on the countertop. You stand there, breaths heavy, chest heaving, as you look at Taehyung, angry and mad and in love, all at once. 

“You’re what?”

“Don’t make me say it again,” you hiss. “I already know that you don’t feel the same.”

“Y/N, wait—”

“Goodnight, Taehyung.” You turn on your heels, storming into your bedroom and collapsing against the door. Finally, finally, finally, you let the tears wrack your body, sending shivers down your spine. There’s salt on your tongue and smudged liner beneath your eyes. 

You thought pressing flowers makes them last forever. But even the red carnation is starting to shrivel. 

Subject Title: New Project????

From Park, Seojoon, to me

Hi Taehyung,

You did a great job last night in Chance Card! Really proud of you for accomplishing so much. Pretty soon you’ll be on Broadway and be too big for a small manager like me. You’ll need an agent, and a publicist, and a stylist, and a dog-walker…

Anyway, just emailing to let you know that Hugo Cleveland reached out to me to see if you were interested in auditioning for his next play. He personally wanted to see if you liked the part, and would give you preference if you did want to audition. It’s called Cupid, and it’s another one of those modern-day retellings of an old tale. I thought you might like it. Attached is the script and a short description of the play. Let me know if you’d like to give it a shot! I think this might be the project that gets you onto Broadway!!

As always, contact me if you need anything at all.

Park

Taehyung, still in bed despite it being nearly noon, taps around on his phone, pulling up the description of the play. He hates reading PDFs on his phone, so he’ll check out the script on his laptop later. 

Cupid by Hugo Cleveland

Cupid chronicles the tale of the world’s most well known hopeless romantic—Cupid himself. Set in a world of magical realism, Cupid has the power to make two people fall in love with a single shot of his arrow, and spends his life walking around the city of New York, bow and arrow by his side. 

The only problem is that Cupid has no way to make people fall in love with him, because his magic operates under the assumption of soulmates—a single person meant for another. And as the years have gone by, he has searched and searched and searched over millennia, desperate to find love, but it’s almost as if everyone has soulmates except for him. 

Little does he know, he need look no further to find the person he shall spend the rest of his life with—not when his best friend has always been by his side. 

Taehyung glares at the description like it’s personally offended him. He knows that it’s just a coincidence that he happens to receive this email the morning after his fight with you, but he can’t help but feel like God is playing the world’s worst practical joke on him. 

Cursed with the memory of an actor, he replays last night in his head over and over and over again, looping the feed back and forth as your words echo in his mind. 

You don’t know? You can’t tell? We’ve known each other for four years and you haven’t realized?

He never knew what he was supposed to be looking for. You were just friends, you had always been just friends. But then he looked out in the crowd and couldn’t see you anywhere, couldn’t make out your eyes even in a sea of hundreds like he always does, and it felt like there was more than just another audience member missing. He spent the rest of the evening getting his hopes up, thinking that maybe you’re just sitting somewhere else, maybe you put in colored contacts, maybe you’re hidden by some really buff guy in front of you. 

He missed you, last night. He’s been missing you a lot recently, missing the way the days you spent together would bleed into nights. Missing the way you wrap your arms around him and smother him in cuddles, missing the way you always remember his takeout order for the fifteen different restaurants you frequent. Missing the way he once thought that you could spend your whole lives together. 

Realized what?

He supposes that he has always been a bit foolish. All of his ex-girlfriends broke up with him, never the other way around. And while they all ended on good terms, they all said the same thing to him: it always seemed like his heart belonged to someone else. But he misread that, too. He just thought that he hadn’t found the right person, yet. He would keep searching until he did. 

That I’m in love with you!

The craziest thing about it all is that your confession didn’t even shock him that much. After the initial surprise wore off, it was almost as if the dust settled around you, the storm finally calming. Like finding the last puzzle piece after thinking it had been lost for days. Like feeling everything click into place.

Taehyung has been thinking a lot about last night, but his least favorite part is always this:

I already know that you don’t feel the same.

He wishes that he could have told you. He wishes that he could have been strong enough, could have realized what he had before it slipped through his fingertips. Wishes that he could have reached out and grabbed onto you and never let go. There’s nothing more that he wants to do than see you again. You live in the same tiny New York apartment, and you’ve never felt further away from him. 

Taehyung wills himself out of bed and washes his face, clearing away the leftover makeup and the sleep in his eyes. It’s a fresh start. It’s a new day. 

He sees you standing in the kitchen, making that tea that you had left forgotten last night. He catches your eyes for just a second before he loses them again, watches as you turn your back to him in a desperate attempt to avoid contact. 

“I got a new potential show to audition for,” he says loudly, breaking the silence. 

“That’s cool,” you say, emotionless. 

“Do you want to know what it’s about?”

You don’t respond. Taehyung takes this as a cue to continue. 

“It’s about a boy on a search for love,” Taehyung begins, rallying himself despite only being able to see your back. “And he goes out and sees all of these people falling in love and wants that for himself. And he wonders why nothing is sticking, why he can’t seem to fall in love with anybody. And then he realizes that the reason he can’t seem to fall in love with anyone else is because he’s already found his person.” A pause. He’s just summarizing a story, but this feels like a confession. “His best friend.”

You turn around sharply, tea sloshing in the cup in your hand. Taehyung inhales, then exhales. It’s now or never. You’ve been friends for so long. Who’s to say you can’t be more than that?

“Don’t you think I’d play this part well?” He asks. 

You shrug, closing your eyes and breathing heavy. He can tell that you’re holding something back, trying not to burst at the seams. “I’m not sure, Tae.”

“I think I would,” Taehyung tells you confidently. He takes a step closer to you, reaches over to take the cup of tea from your hands, placing it on the counter. “Because I’ve been doing it for so long, already.”

You gasp when he kisses you, a gust of air escaping your lips and immediately mixing with his, seize up at the feeling of his lips on yours. Immediately, Taehyung wonders if he’s overstepped a boundary, or two, or five, but then he feels you relax under his touch, feels you reach your hands up to cup his cheeks as you press against him insistently, drunk on the taste of his lips on your own. 

Taehyung’s kissed a lot of people in his day, but this one is different. He’s felt sparks, seen fireworks, but with you, it’s as if he’s sinking into a warm bath after a cold day. As if he’s returning to an apartment filled with the things he loves after a long day out. As if he’s coming home. 

All of these emotions, all of the little things tucked away in the corners of his soul, in the dark attic of his heart, come bubbling up to the surface, and all he can do is hope that you can feel them, swallow them up like wine, as you press your lips against his, grinning. 

Finally, you pull yourself away, almost as if you think you’ll get drunk if you keep going. 

“How long?” You ask. 

Taehyung shrugs. “I don’t know. A while now, definitely.”

“Really?”

“I think so,” Taehyung says. “I guess that I was wrong, what I said before about looking for love. I looked everywhere, I wanted to see it in every spark that was set my way, but I forgot the most important place. I should have known.” You curl into his touch, resting your head against his chest as his arms wrap around your waist. “How about you?”

“Forever,” you breathe out. “It started and it never stopped.”

Taehyung beams. The flowerbud in his heart had been shuttered for so long, hardly watered and never in the sun. And then suddenly, the curtains opened up and the clouds began to cry, and everything blossomed. You make him feel like he’s always home. You make him feel safe. 

You make him feel like a red carnation in bloom.

↳ links are broken, but don’t forget to message me with any thoughts or feedback!

Attack on School Caste ep 4 english translation (Attack on titan drama CD)

Here’s the english translation of the 4th and last episode of the drama CD “Attack on School Caste”. Kind of sad it’s over but it was fun to translate ! Also, I’ve uploaded on my Youtube channel all of the episodes subbed, so check it out: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQXkQAha6FpPBkUTg1qB9rA/featured

Translation below:

After spending some time together, and confronting each other several times, they ended up exposing little by little their real personalities. And after they divulgated the reasons why they were in detention, they opened up about their worries and dreams.

A: The reason why I ended up in detention is only known to some of the teachers, and I haven't talked to anyone about it. If it was known, it would be a big problem. J: What the hell did you do ? A: To tell you the truth...with this laptop, World-kun, I created a pirate anime site. R: What ?! A pirate anime site ? I can't believe that. Well, I heard that around Somalia there were pirates, but to think that there was one in our school...and that you tainted your hands with that kind of business, using anime... H: Reiner, it's fine if you don't know about it but there's no need to be that surprised. R: Sorry... H: A pirate site is one that illegally uploads anime, and that is a crime. J: So that's the kind of site where you can watch anime without spending a penny, huh. R: I see. That's definitely not forgivable. M: A complete evil which no one can prevent. A: Yeah...you're right. Not only it's an infringement to copyrights, but it also infringes the rights of all the staff that worked hard to produce these animes. It's the worst, it also tramples on the audience that loves these animes. J: And why did you do that kind of thing ? A: Because I'm someone like that ! I'm made fun of at school for being a geek, I'm not good at sports and I'm not even good at studying, and I don't have a lot of friends. I'm a grandpa's kid and weak, and I can't even tell others what I want. I'm just a pathetic and worthless geek. And that's because I'm this kind of guy that I wanted to, at least, shine on the net ! At the beginning, it was just a site where I recommended my favorite animes, but then, the views increased and I was thanked in the comments, so I wanted even more popularity and started to upload illegally episodes. And one day I realized that it ended up being a complete illegal site. I couldn't bring myself to stop... R: When did you realize it was bad ? A: My friend, Marco, warned me, saying that this was a complete crime. And, in order to stop me, he talked about it with the teachers. J: Huh, so he snitched. That sounds like what a serious ass like him would do. A: But thanks to Marco, I finally realized what I was doing. So that's why I immediately closed the site and it didn't become a serious problem. Well, I ended up in detention though. J: To think that you were a potential criminal. H: That's not a potential criminal, but a criminal indeed. M: One's outward appearance and one's real identity is completely different. Once the mask is removed, the truth shows its face. R: And I thought that you were just an otaku... A: Even someone like me has things I want to do and dreams...One day, I want to go to Akihabara, the sanctuary of anime ! Neons illuminating the high buildings, and posters of my favorite anime characters plastered everywhere...the sanctuary I'm yearning for ! A market so wide and deep that even if the geeks from all over the world were to assemblate, they wouldn't be able to buy everything ! When I was administrating that site, I felt that I was able to touch a little that world... But in truth, I was just drowning in the deep sea of the net... R: Dreams, huh. Up till now, I never even thought about that. H: Are you serious ?! Didn't you want to become a football player ? M: What about those titanic muscles...and that robust body...? R: Those were obtained after training regularly. But that was not because I wanted to become a football player. H: Then, why ? R: It's because I wanted to be acclaimed as an excellent sportsman and obtain a scholarship. J: Ha, what's with that. Such a petty reason ! R: Well, I was brought up by my mother only. It's already tough to let me go to school. I was born in a country beyond the sea. When I was young, my mother and father separated, and me and my mother moved here. After that, there were only hardships. It was tough to only feed ourselves in a foreign land. I want to provide for my mother and let her rest, that's what I always thought. J: H-huh ! After calling me a mother complex, you're not one to say ! R: Yeah, you're right. If I did my best in the football team, it was to make my mother happy. I trained myself everyday, in order to obtain this armor-like body, and even became the captain. And even for my caste, I became the president of the clubs, and volunteered for cleaning garbage, I gained popularity with the students and took special attention of the teacher's moods. I did all I could. And I finally became the jock. A: So you suffered a lot too... H: And why someone like you ended up in detention ? R: On the last physics exams, I had some difficulties... H: So you didn't pass ? R: Y-yeah...that's right. But, no, what I want to say is that...I scored 0 points. J: 0 points ?! For real ?! You must be lying, even I scored 17 points ! R: To tell you the truth...I'm really hopeless with studying. No matter how much I try, I never do well, and up until now, I've managed to barely pass. And physics is my worst enemy. I don't understand a single thing. Like you all said, maybe even my brain has become only muscles. A: But even so, 0 points...? R: That day, during the exam...I lost sight of myself. Until that moment, I always thought that I wanted to let my mother rest, and she has big expectations. In order to meet those expectations, I became the jock, the captain of the football team, the president of all the clubs, and I had to always be strong and right. And when I thought "do I have any dreams of my own ?" "do I have something I really want to do ?", my mind went completely blank, and without realizing, the exam was already over. I couldn't write anything other than my name. J: Well...that explains the score. R: But, even without that happening, it would still have been hard to score more than 10. Armin, before, I said that you were miserable, but, like Jean said, it was me, who has no dreams of his own, that was miserable. A: N-no...that's not true, you're doing your best aren't you ? H: After all, you were just a king in name. That's so stupid. J: Hey ! You don't have to say it like that ! H: It's already great that his mother has expectations of him. Unlike him, no one cares about me, and that includes my own parents. Laughable, isn't it ? R: Hey, Historia, you're a rich lady, there's no way what you say is true ! H: Here's the problem. Just because I’m crazy rich and the cutest, not only in this school but in the entire state, everyone's spoiling me. But no one cares about the real me. J: Huh, that's some luxury ! H: And what do you think you know, Jean ? What do you know, you, who has a mother kind and loving enough to bring your lunch to school just because you forgot it ? I only picked up some fruits that were left on the table. My parents never cared about my lunch. And we never eat together, the last time we ate dinner together was when I was five. They leave my care to the butler, and only see me as a tool for the succession of the family. R: But they're your parents...there's no way they think like that ! H: No, I'm only a tool, and a doll. I've been raised as a rich lady, with disinterested parents, and then I'll marry with a dull man who only has reputation, then give birth to a child and success this house. My parents, teachers and the people surrounding me at school, they're all stupid ! I'm fed up ! School caste ? Queen bee ?! What does that even mean ! A: I understand the situation...but you must have things you want to do, right ? If so- H: Are you really in a position to say that, Armin ? A: Huh ? What do you mean ? H: I also like japanese anime ! I can't help it ! Shugo Chara and Sugar Sugar Rune, they're all the best ! And I'm so envious of your bento box of Maji Moji Rurumo ! I want to go to Akihabara and Ikebukuro and buy all the goods I want ! Armin, you said it, right ? That even if geeks from all over the world couldn't buy everything. But that's not true ! If it's me, I can do it ! With the assets of the Reiss family, I can buy it all ! But I can't ! That's all because I have to be the queen everywhere I go ! I can't like anime ! A: Historia... H: I ended up in detention because I tried to steal an anime magazine, and I got caught. Of course, I had the money. I could have even bought 100 copies of it. But I couldn't let anyone see me buying it. So, I had no other choice but to steal it. J: Being the queen is quite burdening, huh... H: One day, I want my parents to look at the real me. I just want to have fun with real friends and talk about anime. Maybe it's a small thing, but I think that's my dream. I doubt that you all would understand me though. M: That's right, there's no way I would understand. J: Hey, you don't have to say it like that ! M: But, I am aware of the fact that I cannot understand you. You and I are completely different, and we don't live with the same worries. However, it doesn't change the fact that we are together in this darkness. H: Mikasa...how did you end up in detention ? M: After school in an empty classroom, I tried to perform a ritual to summon the goat-faced devil, Baphomet, who has the power to destroy this world and engulf it in flames. And I got caught by the History teacher. J: Ha ! Are you serious ? You should know when to stop with that persona of yours. M: I don't want to hear that from you. J: Well, my apologies ! But that's the truth, isn't it ? It's just a persona. H: Why are you a goth, Mikasa ? Do you really like gothic things ? Or is there another reason that you ended up in this caste ? M: It is...to have perfect control of myself. J: Huh ? What do you mean ? M: Before, I was a normal student. I didn't belong neither to light, neither to darkness, just a normal person. I had a friend, and lived nonchalantly. I had no complaints towards that kind of life. But one day, my friend went up a caste higher. And after that, that friend began to avoid me. R: They didn't want to mingle with a lower caste, huh... H: Well, that does happen often. M: Yes, it's a common story. But to me, that was an unbearable shock. That's when I realized, that this world is cruel. So, I have to have perfect control over myself in order to keep on fighting... J: And that's how you became a goth ? That escalated quickly ! That's crazy ! M: No, occult and curses are helpful to strengthen one's soul. Thanks to that, I managed to remain myself. Also, since I'm asian and my hair is black, it goes well with black clothes. H: It's true that it suits you. M: Also, goth is a caste that isn't bothered by others as much as other castes. If I keep on being immersed in my own world, no one talks to me. It's not that I'm avoided by others, but I do things so that they avoid me. I can think of it that way. R: So, you chose solitude ? M: I want to become stonger. I have to be strong. And one day, I'll become a strong woman like a fearless dark knight. J: Well...you don't have to be that stubborn, don't you think ? And right now, you're talking with everyone just fine. Who knows, you might make another friend ? M: I don't need that. J: Don't say that ! The six of us, who didn't have anything to do with each other, opened up and all ! R: Hey, wait a minute, Jean. J: What ? You want to be in charge again, is that it ? R: No, did you say the six of us ? A: Eren hasn't said a thing yet... E: Huh, me ? J: Don't "huh, me ?" me ! Take part to the conversation ! E: I did listen to you all. I went to the toilet twice though. J: Always about the toilet...what are you, an old man ?! E: I know right, to say the truth, I'm a little concerned about that... My organs may have some problems. Everyone, how frequently do you go to the toilet ? How about you, Historia ? H: Me ?? J: What's with you, Eren ?! No one wants to talk about that ! A: H-hey, Eren...why did you end up in detention ? E: I'm not sure, but I think it's because I skipped the History exam. R: So you skipped, huh. Are you bad with History ? Or, do you have any worries that you can't say to people ? E: Not really, I just forgot about it. When Mr. Smith talked to me about it, that's when I remembered. H: So, is that not because of worries, but because you couldn't think of anything else other than your dreams ? E: Not at all. I really just forgot about it. I don't have any dreams. M: It's complete nought, and thoroughly normal. E: Is that bad to be normal ? I don't really love or hate this world, and I don't have particular worries or dreams. I really don't care about school castes either. Even so, I'm living normally everyday. R: Well, that's true. H: Everyone's worries are different after all... M: Everything comes in all colors. So many men, so many minds. A: Why is it that even though everyone carries its own worries, we all become the same adults...? M: That's because everyone loses to something, and ends up giving up. H: We become arrogant and showy adults, full of deception, huh... A: Hey, in truth, there was something I was thinking about. I know it's weird to ask that, but, when we meet again in school on Monday, what should we do ? J: Huh ? R: What do you mean ? A: We are...friends, right ? H: Do you mean to ask if we should keep up our relationship, where we can talk freely to each other just like now ? A: Yeah. H: Do you really want me to answer ? A: I want to hear it. H: I'll ignore you. A: Is that so... M: Do you mean only Armin, or everyone here ? H: Everyone. I'll pretend that I never met you all. Well, I don't mind Reiner though. R: That's some attitude here. But you like anime, right ? You could talk about it all you want with Armin ! H: Ha, there's no way I could. And that's the same for you, Reiner. When you're with people from the football club, what would you do if Armin, wearing an anime t-shirt and carrying a bento box of Maji Moji Rurumo, went to you and spoke to you ? R: Well, that's... H: Even though you could exchange a few words with him, you would go back to saying bad things about him when he's gone, right ? "What's with that otaku, even though he's a geek, he has the gall to talk to me !" for example. R: I'll never do that, and I don't even sound like that ! H: Then what about that, "Hey, Armin. Everyone, let me introduce my new friend.", would you introduce him to your friends like that ?! They'll just end up mocking you. And without a fault, you'll lose your position as a jock ! Are you fine with that ? Even though you did so much to gain that title- R: Stop that, Historia ! J: Cut that crap... H: You two are liars and hypocrites ! Jean, could you introduce Armin to your delinquent friends ? Could you cosplay as a character from Twilight with Mikasa and go to a party ? J: Shut up ! H: You can't, right ?! There's no way you could ! I'm just being honest. I can't be on good terms with you all ! And why ? Because our castes are different ! A: Then...it's better to be a geek like me. Even if people call me weird, I don't have to care about my surroundings and avoid my friends... M: Armin's right. A: And you, Mikasa ? Would you avoid me if I were to talk to you ? M: No. A: Even if you're with other friends ? M: I don't have any other friends. Even if I had, they wouldn't hate you. J: Mikasa... A: Let me say that, I won't ever avoid anyone here ! That would be too mean. H: Say what you want. I'm different than you, because I'm the queen...the most popular girl in school ! I can't walk alongside with you ! J: I'm astonished...how conceited can you be ? H: I'm not conceited ! It's the truth ! It's because it's the truth that it hurts ! Do you know anything about my pressure ?! The pressure of having to be a good girl at home and at school ! I have to smile all the time to be loved by everyone ! I have to make fun of the anime that I like the most ! I'm fed up with all that ! R: Historia, that's enough ! H: No, it's not ! Nothing's fine ! There's no way it is... E: Hey, sorry to interrupt, but... H: What ? J: What, Eren ? A: Does something bother you ? Feel free to say it. M: You can open up about everything. E: Can I go to the toilet ? J: You...cut it out ! H: How about you try read the room ?? Why do you even ask us permission ! E: If I go on my own, Jean's gonna complaint about it...that's really bothersome. M: Even though he's normal, he's the weirdest... E: Really ? I think it's pretty normal. I just go to the toilet more often that everyone. H: Hah...that's so stupid. J: We were the ones at fault for believing you would say something serious. A: How about you just write your essay in the toilet ? E: Huh ? I don't want to. R: Come to think of it, I completely forgot about the essay. H: We should finish it first. M: Once again, we are back to the cruel reality. J: Let's just do it. A: Yeah. R: Okay everyone, let's finish it quickly and go home. J: Don't you try to be in charge of everything again ! E: Then, I'm going to the toilet. *bell ringing* E: It's finally over. J: I'm so tired. R: We finished just in time. M: We are finally freed from that cage. H: After all it was not impossible huh. Well, as expected of us. A: You all made me write in your place though... L: What, so you're finally going home ? J: Yeah ! R: Mr Levi, thanks for your work. L: Well, that is my work after all. Leaving that aside, what happened ? Your expressions changed since I last saw you. H: Is that so ? I was just having detention, with those five weirdos. M: That's what I want to say. A: Historia was the most surprising, right ? H: Huh ? Did you say something ? A: No, nothing ! L: Whatever. But if you've finished, then hurry and go home. You're going to dirty the floor. R: Mr Levi's right. Let's go home quickly, drink proteins and do some training. A: My World-kun's battery is running low. J: What about you, Mikasa ? Do you have someone to pick you up ? If not, then I don't mind walking you home... M: Huh ? H: Oh my, a bad boy being kind to a goth, what a sight ! J: Shut up ! That doesn't matter ! Right, Eren ? E: What ? J: The castes ! E: That kind of thing doesn't matter. J: Haha ! See ! *everyone laughing*

That is how the six who belonged to different castes, while carrying their own worries and dreams, went home, with the same bright mood. Meanwhile, the History teacher Erwin was in the library, checking their essays.

Er: Hm. "Mr. Smith, thinking about what we all did, it was a given that we ended up in detention. However, the theme "Who I am" was so stupid that it made us want to throw up. This school fixed upon us statuses like the "bad boy", "queen bee", "jock", "geek", "goth" and...the "normal person". Nevertheless, we will keep on moving forward. Without caring about other's expectations, we will do as our hearts please, and this world, this school caste...You will probably say that it isn't the right path, but still, it will surely connect to a future. To a future decided by none other than us."...they're really idiots to the end.

Erwin left with a mysterious laugh. The evening sun illuminated the empty library through the window, and their essay was left there, dyed in gold, like the sun was shining upon their hopes.