#giving a diagnosis of repression
Text
I think you could write a good queer storyline for Eddie, actually. He's been formally diagnosed as a repressed Catholic. His most fulfilling relationships are his son, his queer best friend, and his Carla. Every romantic arc he's had since Shannon has been a passionless calculation. He left Shannon and Chris for long periods for years because he felt trapped, scared, and misunderstood. He had a panic attack at the thought of being seen as serious about Ana but wrote Buck into his will. It feels like he's only ever performing sex and romance to appease a heteronormative ideal about family and parenthood, so I definitely get it.
#911#911 show#911 spoilers#eddie diaz#edmundo diaz#that doctor though#giving a diagnosis of repression#it's true though#he's a cool as a cucumber veteran and firefighter#and he had a panic attack because his relationship was becoming too serious#he's the calm waters to bucks tempestuous flames#and yet he's the one who was in fight club
194 notes
·
View notes
Text
「 botany for dummies 」
TIGHNARI wishes once in a while, and once in a while only, that his ears weren’t so obvious.
the way they perk up at your name, twitch at the sign of your arrival and droop ever so slightly at your departure; tighnari feels uncomfortable. the movements are subtle, barely noticeable even by those closest to him, but they occur beyond his control nonetheless. as a researcher, though he disregards akademiya laws left and right, he believes this goes against his own code of conduct.
even if you are an old friend from sumeru akademiya who he had horrifically repressed feelings for. your refusal to leave him alone is like adding crushed harra fruit to a wound. it’s impossible to have peace of mind with you around.
you help him with the marana despite the rangers’ protests, you pick mushrooms for him to discern as sick or healthy, you bring him lotuses even if he never asked you to. to be honest, he’s flattered you remember his fondness of them. he could get used to this, he thinks to himself often on sunny mornings when you greet him grinning ear to ear. but parting is only inevitable in the flow of life. it’s hard to believe you’ll stay forever in sumeru, by his side in gandharva ville.
tighnari hates you especially when he’s sick. you don’t leave his side, stare at him longer than he can handle, and archons, you don’t need to touch his skin to map his temperature. he doesn’t need taking care of—and he’s not pretending to be strong, he just knows everything to make himself better. you don’t have to go out of your way; it’s incredibly stupid and time-consuming. even if the rainstorms worsen his sleep, even if the heat of day gets under his skin; why would he ever ask you to do anything for him? it feels strange to be taken care of.
tighnari gets up from his bed, still reeling from the sound of thunder. he clutches his head, a part of his senses dulling and heightening from the ringing. his ears bring certain curses.
“whoa there! who told you to get out of bed?”
ah, yes, of course. another curse for his ears had to materialize in front of him. you sit across from him and cross your arms, glaring at him till he sits back down too. it’s good to know the little quirks of your body language haven’t changed since your akademiya days.
“you... you really don’t have to.” he frowns. “this isn’t your job.”
“i know, i know.” you hum, a smile sneaking onto your face. “but it’s time i repaid you for giving me free medicine and... hm, let’s see. lending me your notes, that one time you cured me after i ate a suspicious mushroom and- and letting me tuck my hands into your tail when it was cold, allowing me to pet your ears-”
he coughs loudly, his discontent clear. “you can stop talking once in a while, (name). it’ll benefit everyone around.”
you roll your eyes. “if i didn’t open my big mouth, you would’ve never realized you’re sick. you can thank me now, pighead.”
tighnari makes a face. “you’re also the reason i ingested a poisonous mushroom.”
“that’s unimportant.”
he shakes his head, pinching the bridge of his nose.
“here,” you say, shuffling through your backpack. “nilotpala lotuses. i was right about your diagnosis!”
“you don’t know that,” he quips. “these lotuses can be used as medicine against a variety of ailments.”
“but these work, don’t they?” your eyes widen, brimming with genuine concern.
“yes.” he responds far too quickly. he can’t help it. “you have to soak them first and then extract the nectar under a presser- not now, (name).”
you sit back down, pouting. “but you need to get better! as fast as you can, tighnari. i don’t like seeing you like this...”
tighnari sighs, eyes closing. “i will. it’s not like one mushroom will have me coughing up blood... at least not this one.”
you bite down your lip and tighnari can’t help but tilt his head to the side, trying to decipher your whole expression.
“tighnari,” you speak up, not looking at him. “we’re friends, right?”
“yes. obviously. do you need official documents stating our friendship?”
tighnari expects a bit of snark from you right back—instead, he is met with your sudden embrace, your breath warming the spot by his neck.
“why did you have to eat the mushroom on my behalf?” you whisper. “i made that bet with the eremites, you know? it was stupid tavern talk.”
it’s not the worst thing you’ve done drunk. however, tighnari steps in each time with no questions asked. he realizes once again how obvious his feelings are and how restrained he is, unable to tell you just so. you’re too dense to understand the language of flowers, so even a gift of a sumeru rose would pass over your head. you’re quite literally the worst person to fall in love with.
tighnari believes time settles everything. then why does he feel so impatient with your actions?
“why did you make that bet, stupid?” he answers, his arms wrapping around you nonetheless.
“well... you know how i’m saving up?”
there’s a pause. are you hesitating?
“i want to... i want to travel.”
tighnari falls silent. he knows you cannot forever be his partner, journeying through the rainforests and surveying nature’s infinite wonders. you’ve expressed a longing for something else. he cannot deny it.
“do you want to leave?” he asks quietly. “i know being a researcher isn’t rewarding enough and... it’s hard to quantify knowledge. but...”
he trails off. there’s a spark of sorrow in his voice.
“i want to see more of the world,” you answer softly. your smile against his shoulder makes his face warm up. it’s not often the head of the forest rangers gets to feel this way. “but i don’t think i want to do it without you.”
his ears twitch before perking up. if you weren’t as observant as a shroomboar, you might have noticed.
“well then, you need to change your habits. don’t go around making bets, or diving onto a mushroom to jump higher, or touching and eating whatever plant you find,” he scolds. “i can tell you which plants are edible. i can teach you how to set up camp. you must listen to every instruction.”
“tighnari?”
“i’m saying, when the forest is healed, we can set out by ourselves.”
the last drop of rain patters outside his door. who knew the cure to a mildly poisonous mushroom would be the embrace of a loved one? perhaps those foreign fairytales you read to him had some meaning to them after all. perhaps the two of you would get to know soon.
(no, alright. that’s not true. he needs those nilotpala lotuses right now before he faints from overheating.)
#genshin x reader#genshin impact x reader#tighnari x reader#tighnari fluff#genshin fluff#genshin impact fluff#genshin impact x you#genshin scenarios#tighnari x you#tighnari scenarios#genshin imagines#tighnari imagines#genshin headcanons#tighnari headcanons#yoimix.drabble#lost my 50/50 to tighnari but i got mr kreideprinz in the next 20 pulls so i think it's a win-win#i have not fought the dendro boss except for the achievements so hes stuck at 40#i have no books either#q
2K notes
·
View notes
Text
Buck doesn't even question it when he pulls up to Eddie's house instead of his own apartment block. He has the go-ahead to return to work, but for some reason, the relieved joy he'd expected has been buried under a confusing mudslide of emotions that make his head hurt if he looks at them too closely.
He tells himself he's at Eddie's because he's returning the favour, paying him back for last year when Eddie had showed up on his doorstep with a six pack, a grin and his transfer back to the 118 paperwork.
Buck doesn't have a six pack, or a grin, or a vague date for his return because he hadn't even told Bobby about his cardiologist appointment today for fear of the news awaiting him.
But he knocks on Eddie's door anyway because he may be just Buck, but that's enough. Its always been enough at the Diaz house, and maybe that's what he should be appreciating after everything.
The smile Eddie gives him when the door cracks open is enough to ease most of the tightness in his chest. He remembers a similar smile two nights ago, the way it had blossomed so softly on Eddie's face, how it had lit up his eyes and rosied the apples of his cheeks.
Yeah, he's enough here.
"Dr Salazar told me to ask you how her diagnosis of repression was holding up," Buck says, pushing past Eddie, eager for the warmth of the living room. "She told me you'd know what that meant."
"You really need to learn to say hello," Eddie grumbles good-naturedly as Buck drops onto the couch with a blissful sigh. Buck cranes his head in time to watch Eddie's face do something complicated. "Wait, what'd she say?"
"She asked how her repression diagnosis was going," Buck sounds out slowly.
"Motherfucker," Eddie hisses to himself. Buck watches rapt as his cheeks fill with colour.
"Yeah, do I get to know what that means?"
Eddie meets his eyes, and Buck wonders if she was a bit too hasty in her dismissal of him because his heart does something worrying in his chest at the dizzying intensity of emotion on Eddie's face.
"Not yet," he murmurs. It sounds like a promise.
Buck swallows past the lump in his throat.
"Wait, you had an appointment today?" Eddie drops onto the coffee table in front of him, a beautiful concern simmering in his eyes. Buck flushes at the attention. "You okay?"
"Yeah," Buck nods, "I am more than okay. In fact, I'm so okay that I am free to return to work whenever I please."
"Okay..." Eddie squints at him. "Why do I feel like you're about to make our quitting the 118 score two-one?"
"I'm not quitting the 118," Buck sighs. "Not again."
"But?" Eddie prods gently.
"But," Buck drags a hand down his face, "I don't know if I'm quite ready to come back yet." He thinks he must be imagining the slight sag of Eddie's shoulders, can't help but wonder if its disappointment or relief if he wasn't imagining it.
"Its a big step after something like this," Eddie concedes.
"After your shoulder, you got cleared with Frank one day, and had a return to work date the next."
"Yeah, and we all remember how that turned out," Eddie snorts.
"Fair enough."
"Its natural to take a bit of time when you aren't ignoring absolutely every warning sign your body is sending you," Eddie tells him. "Bobby will hold your place for you, you know that. Hell, he'd hold it for a decade if he had to. And I might be a bit bummed without my partner around, but I'll live if its so he can take care of himself." Eddie's voice is unbearably soft in a way that makes Buck's skin crawl, its been doing that a lot around Eddie since he woke up. "Besides, I'm sure he'll be drinking my beer and crashing on my couch most nights anyway." Rolling his eyes, Buck huffs a laugh.
"It just feels weird, you know?" He shrugs a shoulder. "After my leg, I fought so hard to get back."
"Yeah, I remember," Eddie says dryly.
"Shut up." Buck shakes his head. "I fought so hard to come back and now I'm being told I can and I just..."
"It feels too easy?"
"Yeah."
"Buck, you're so used to fighting." Eddie shuffles a little closer, and Buck does his best not to flinch at the spark that jolts through him when their knees knock together. "For everything. Ever since you were a kid, you were fighting for everything everyone else just had handed to them. Its hard to shake off a lifelong habit." Eddie tilts his head to catch Buck's eye, he was unaware they'd wandered away from Eddie's determined face. "But last time was different. You know that. You were different."
And Buck knows what he means. That Buck seems so drastically different to the Buck he is now, whatever software update he's at. The Buck who tied his worth to firefighting, who had no identity outside of it, who felt like he was always one step away from being left behind.
But he's also not convinced he's all that different. Firefighting is still his life. He has maybe one or two friends outside of the 118 family. And, yes, he knows that they're a family now, knows that not one of them would leave him behind. The past week has been proof of that. But who is he outside of the firehouse?
"I don't think I really know who I am when I'm not fighting fires," Buck whispers to the carpet.
It feels a lot like a shock of lightning when Eddie uses his pointer finger to nudge Buck's chin up.
"You're Buck," Eddie nods, conviction dripping from him.
And that's enough?
"You're an amazing firefighter, yes," Eddie's hand is still on his chin. "But you're an even better brother to Maddie and Hen and Chim. You're an incredible uncle to an incredible niece. You're the best of friends. You're Christopher's..." Here, Eddie pauses. Buck's heart thumps. "You're Christopher's," Eddie says decisively. "But more than all of that, you're Buck. And maybe that's all you need to be."
Buck grits his teeth when the familiar sting of tears has him squeezing his eyes shut. He takes a few steadying breaths, the ones the lung specialist had taught him when he could finally keep his eyes open for more than ten minutes. With every expansion of his lungs, it feels like his heart grows a little bigger too.
The bravery hits him out of nowhere.
"To Maddie, Hen and Chim, huh?" he asks, meeting Eddie's eyes. "What am I to you, Eddie?"
"Not yet," Eddie says softly. "Not just yet."
And Buck thinks he doesn't mind waiting for this answer.
#sami rambles#i just wanted to write about dr salazar because she's the loml#but then it spiralled as my writing always does#911 spoilers#911 show#911 fox#911 fic#911 fanfic#evan buckley#eddie diaz#buddie#buck x eddie#buddie fic#buddie fanfic#buck x eddie fic#buck x eddie fanfic
601 notes
·
View notes
Text
Courtney Autism Headcanons I have because all of my favs are neurodivergent
Fun fact- my very first headcanon of Total Drama was that Courtney is autistic. Is this me projecting? YEAH AND WHAT ABOUT IT????
She got diagnosed at a rather early age (3 years old) with Autism, though her family always stressed to her that she should never tell anyone for fear of it messing with their reputation
Her special interest is court cases, funny enough. She loves looking up court documents and watching trials and she enjoys talking about how if she was a judge/ lawyer, how she would proceed/defend the case. Her parents noticed this and began pushing her into pursuing a career as a lawyer
She also has special interests in geography, birds of prey, MMA fighting and musical theater (though that last special interest often gets repressed since she's been taught that things such as theater are frivolous)
REALLY good at masking, so much so that she unintentionally will mask. Years of suppression has really helped in making people believe she's fully neurotypical! She was masking in the 1st season, up until she gets (unfairly) voted off
No, she doesn't have a fear of green jelly, but it is a MAJOR sensory issue for her. In fact, most gelatin and gelatin-like foods trigger her. She can't eat anything with a gummy texture
She unfortunately has a very hard time regulating her emotions since her parents couldn't be bothered to assist her anymore beyond getting a proper diagnosis. She can have very big reactions to very little inconveniences (especially if she knows she has no control over the situation)
VERY routine-oriented, so if that routine veers even slightly off track, she gets upset. She plans her week out in advance since schedules give her a sense of security
When she's not wearing shoes she walks around on her tiptoes
She also has a stim of balling her hands into fists and moving her arms up and down
She doesn't tell anybody about her diagnosis when she first arrives on the island, since it's been imbedded into her head that people will see her as less than if she tells anyone (and it's 2007, people- especially teenagers- are absolutely ableist)
Harold figures it out pretty quickly though and just outright asks her in private while they both are on Playa Des Losers since he wanted to know. She denies it at first but literally no one has just ever plainly asked her that and so she kinda breaks down and admits that yes, she is autistic, and Harold just stands there confused because why is she acting like she just got caught doing something horribly wrong
Turns out, in Courtney's eyes, something IS wrong with her. Harold straight up tells her that there's nothing she can do to make her autism "better" but it's not like being autistic is a death sentence. It's part of what makes her, her
That sorta blows her mind because all Courtney's life she's been made to feel like something is wrong with her. She never thought to just…. accept her neurodivergence. Huh
From then on she learns to just accept herself for who she is. It's a lot better than living your life ashamed of something you can't change
Duncan doesn't figure it out until like 5 years later LMAO
She doesn't keep many fidget toys, BUT, she really likes typing on keyboards. She keeps a couple out-of-use keyboards around and that's partly why she also loves her PDA
#td courtney#tdi#total drama#I know that canonically Courtney and Harold want to hit each other over the head with comically large mallets but#Imagine for a second they had the respect for each other to have a decent conversation#td headcanons
67 notes
·
View notes
Text
personal take on the hilson timeline: wilson was the one who fell first for house he just refused to examine it and decided to live with it. for him it's normal to want to leave his wife for house because house is his everything so he gives and gives and house takes and takes. this is the status quo until amber.
amber in universe is referred to as house but a girl, and it's true. amber is house but a girl and socially acceptable for wilson to pursue, and wilson could see himself building a life with amber that isn't possible with house because it's the 2000s and they're both repressed. so for the first time house sees wilson seriously fully committed to a relationship that isn't a fluke and he panics bc amber is everything he is and everything he can't be.
when amber dies it devastates wilson bc there goes his chance at being with the one woman he could've had a real, normal uncomplicated relationship with. meanwhile house is desperately trying to get his special spot in wilson's life back and decides to ditch the levels of sarcasm and irony as protection from the sincerity of his feelings for wilson (going from wilson youre so annoying i don't know why we're friends in s1-s3 to "YOU LOVE ME TOO MUCH" in fucking the first episode wilson is kind of friendly to him in season 5). there's the dynamic shift.
and it plays out like that until season 8. i 100% believe that the first time house sees wilson again after getting out of jail he realizes that he loves wilson so much and also. i think season 8 house would've been the one who could've plainly asked wilson out on a date. if it wasn't for his cancer diagnosis i think house would've tried something if he didn't get cold feet about it. yeah and in the four episodes of wilsons immediate reaction to his diagnosis house is literally making allusions to them fucking and asking if he would've been in wilsons envisioned life even if he had a wife and a family. it's giving This Is Not a Joke for Me Unless You Laugh. it's like house finally understands what he wants then the rug gets pulled out from underneath and it's gone before it even had a chance. just like Wilson! Anyways I'm autistic sk like maybe this doesn't resonate but if it doess yasss and slay
#the heart#house md#hilson#the dynamic shift is like the hilson thesis statement from me i sense it#I've talked about it a lot it's just important 2 me#seriously once you isolate the relationship between house and wilson that's really the backbone of the show#their relationship and the catalyst that changes it and then the tragedy before any happy resolution can come of it#that's how i see it there's s1-s3 s4 catalyst s5-s8 house trying to get him back#this is so long ummm.... goodbye
180 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’m presenting a theory that’ll likely be wrong but!
so we know at some point tk asks owen to be his best man. we know this season is emphasizing his and owen’s relationship—tk refers to him as his best friend, owen expresses regret over how he handled telling tk about his cancer diagnosis and vows to never hide anything from him again.
we also know that carlos views his relationship with gabriel as a sore spot. he views owen and tk as having a great father-son dynamic. he tells andrea he feels he wouldn’t measure up and that’s the source of his conflict with wanting to be a father, most of which stems from the fact that he and gabriel just started having a relationship a couple of years ago…which still seems rife with complexities and deeply repressed issues due to ideas around masculinity, sexuality and other things that come about when carlos, the only boy and (likely) youngest kid is raised in a traditional household. we see carlos and gabriel embrace when carlos is saved, and you can see the love for his son gabriel has, but it’s also not hard to extrapolate from the scenes we’ve gotten from them that this isn’t something that’s expressed a whole lot.
so we know that carlos seeks out gabriel (likely a short while before the wedding) and asks him to be his best man. his reasoning is “you’re the best man i know” and i’m wondering if this is his attempt at an olive branch—at reaching out to his father before he gets married. and i’m wondering if whereas owen jumps at the opportunity to be tk’s best man, gabriel….hesitates.
i’m wondering if it’s kind of weighing on gabriel like….how their relationship has had its issues. i’m wondering if it’s going to open up a can of worms. we know he’s at the rehearsal dinner and seemingly happy, and we know he of course accepts and supports carlos and tk’s relationship, but i wonder if we’ll see him question why on earth carlos would want him to take on this role after all these years of miscommunication and emotional distance.
i think they’re purposely being shady with the promo so we don’t see whether or not gabriel is standing at carlos’ side as his best man, just like they’re hiding whether or not he’s at the wedding. but this still speaks volumes to me
alongside the fact that carlos is wearing gabriel’s ring. i think we’ll get a moment before the ceremony of gabriel either suddenly accepting the role (meaning iris, who is wearing a boutonnière similar to paul/owen/tk/carlos’ can step aside and just be a guest) or simply handing him his ring as a symbol of his love and his support and a promise to be better and talk more. and i think the still above, with carlos teary-eyed and and gripping tk’s hand, is gabriel standing up in front of everyone and giving a speech that shows how much respect he has for his son (and new son-in-law), how much he loves him, and how carlos is the best man he knows. cue tears for everyone and a step into carlos and gabriel working on their relationship. and leaving whatever this tragedy is (if there’s even something that big, we know how lone star plays us with wording) to something else.
#IDK!! i’m likely wrong but i think this would be such an interesting way to go. to show gabriel having these complex feelings#to have carlos really dig into his vulnerabilities with his dad#carlos reyes#gabriel reyes#tarlos#911 lone star#911ls#lone star speculation#lone star spoilers
141 notes
·
View notes
Text
My experience with finding out that I was autistic has been like, the signs are there and it makes sense that I am, from an omniscient perspective. But its becoming increasingly more and more clear to me that I was trauma repressing the knowledge of my own relationship with autism.
Its like someone whose constantly in denial that they're gay, but they actively say that they like men or jokingly want to date a male celebrity. But instead of that, its like, instead they're actually ace and never liked men or women in the first place. That's how finding out that I was autistic was for me. It feels dissociating and out of left field for me, even though from multiple perspectives outside of myself, it's obvious.
It just doesn't feel real. I have so much internalized ableism too, it's crazy. It feels like some kind of sick joke and I am going back and forth of being conflicted on it. Objectively, I'm autistic. But my feelings on it is like,, "can't it just be a different reason instead of this?"
It feels like for everyone else that it doesn't have to be a big deal, that they can just accept themselves, have anger towards the past, and just be fine with it and move on somehow. But I'm still stuck in that stasis. Even though my discovery was several months ago, I'm still like, so shaken by it. I've still not processed the fact and I find it crazy when I run into people who are anti self diagnosis.
Because it's like, you think I'm faking, you think I'm a liar, you think I'm just doing it for clout. But if you knew me, and you weren't a complete dick to others, you'd understand my perspective.
It's like, there's an obvious sprinkling of ableism and fear when it comes to sharing this with others, but you use it as a way to talk to people with black and white perspectives. I'm not that, so it doesn't work. It just feels like an annoyance. I don't really give a fuck about anti self diagnosis, I just want to talk to people who understand that it's confusing to find out an objective truth about yourself and to have to cope with that.
It's like finding out your parent cheated and you're not actually related to one of your parents. Or like something life shattering like that, even though compared to others, it doesn't seem so bad. I don't know a good metaphor for this. It's just awful and I am so frustrated because so few seem to have this experience, and if they do, no one talks about it.
#babey posts#babey vents#actually autistic#okay to reblog#its just like... i need a support group with other late diagnosed folks
12 notes
·
View notes
Note
Sam, you’ve talked a bit about the anger that comes with going undiagnosed for so long, and with having parents that dismissed your struggles. I’m about your age and I recently told my mom that I am relatively sure I have ADHD and that I was looking into getting a diagnosis, and I was at least 60% expecting her to disagree. And instead she said. “Oh yeah, I always thought that.”
Like. ????? WHAT. WHY DID SHE NOT EVER SAY ANYTHING???? Also, she was a teacher for years, and she knows how much I struggled in school so I am just. I’m honestly not sure if this is better or worse than her trying to say I couldn’t possibly have it. Like, at least she acknowledges that I struggled I guess? :/ Anyways, how’s it going with you?
I mean, I'm a big fan of repression.
That's only partially a joke. I'm not a big fan of repression but I do believe in trying to correct negative/damaging thoughts when they can't lead anywhere productive. I'm not a "think positive" person per se, but...
Yes, I am angry I didn't get a diagnosis earlier, particularly since it's not like my family was ignorant about the issue. But meditating on that just makes me more upset, and discussing this with my mother is not going to be cathartic for me or productive for either one of us. Even if I just wanted to take out my anger on her, which is a childish but understandable impulse, it's not like she did it maliciously. She was doing the best she could alone with three kids to raise and she desperately needed at least one of them to be "normal", for reasons that have much more to do with her upbringing and mental health than anything to do with me or my siblings.
And that's all a fucked up situation, but there's nothing to be done about the past. So when I feel annoyance or anger, I stop and think, okay, but there's no point in lingering. Get it out if you have to, but then let's move on to how you can repair that damage. Then I talk about it on here so other people will feel okay about it, and I try to practice compassion, to remember that my parents tried to give their kids a good life with the tools they had and with their own disabilities to deal with.
It sounds like you're in a different place than I am, so I don't know how helpful this is. Not that you really asked for help, it's sweet that you just asked me how I'm doing, but I like to be helpful anyway :) I think the anger you're feeling is normal; the "oh yeah I assumed you had a disability and DID NOTHING" situation is actually quite common, you're not the first person I've spoken to who's had that experience. But part of managing the anger is making a conscious decision about what to do when you feel it.
Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun, wrote a book called Start Where You Are that I read about five years ago and which I've found useful in managing emotions about things I can't change. I think it gets overhyped as a self-help book, but that's not really how it functions; it's more about explicating a specific line of Buddhist reasoning and using Buddhist practice to accept the difficulty of the world without buying into helplessness over it. Part of that is learning to sit in the pain of unhappiness -- to acknowledge an emotion, experience it, and move into either using it for a productive purpose or letting it go. It's a practice that doesn't come easily, but it does seem to help, at least for me.
Funnily enough, I started writing the Shivadh novels before I had a diagnosis but I knew from the first novel that Jerry was neurodiverse. Writing him with ADHD, even as a supporting character, has been very helpful for me because like me he can't really talk to his parents about it, with a father who has passed and a mother who is in denial. But he's still a fundamentally likable person who gets to demonstrably mature over the course of the books, to achieve things he couldn’t before and be praised for it. It's very satisfying to write about someone who got a late diagnosis and that made his life measurably better. Because it has, for both of us! I would rather have this diagnosis at forty than never have had it at all.
So yeah I'm sad, and angry, and struggling, but crucially I'm not taking it out on myself or others, and I know that this is a temporary situation. These are feelings that will fade in time because they arise from grief for could-have-been, and it's worth the sadness and the anger to have the diagnosis and to finally have help. I can't help the failures and bad relationships and mistakes I made because I had a disability I didn't know about, but I didn't know about it -- and now that I do I can improve my life going forward. What I'm feeling now is passing; what caused those feelings is permanent, and from now on I'll understand myself better (and, at least in theory, have access to bomb-ass medication to help raise my quality of life).
204 notes
·
View notes
Text
I'm very conflicted.
We were recently diagnosed with DID, but this was not a new discovery for us. We have been operating under the partial assumption that we have the disorder for exactly a decade this year.
I say partial because it genuinely never stuck. The nature of our trauma and resulting anxiety prevented us from seeking any sort of mental health treatment, in any capacity, which as you can imagine, precludes any hope of diagnosis. So, from the age of 14 onward, we existed in this strange in-between state, where we gained and lost insight at different times. We lack self confidence, and though we supported the right of others to self diagnose, we (particularly Moira and myself) believed it would be silly to think any of our research could possibly be adequate. DID is a heavy diagnosis, and it's very hard to feel justified in claiming the label.
We tried many different methods to be okay with existing as more than one; and this is why the existence of endogenic systems was NECESSARY for our mental health. As someone who absolutely could not get diagnosed due to abject fear, and whose low self esteem and lack of expertise prevented them from trusting their own judgment, the idea that there are people who just allow themselves to exist without needing professional validation seemed like the only way forward for us.
Ultimately, I still think it is. I would not be this far along in my personal journey without the existence of the wider plural community, and though the rest of our system does not share my personal anti-psychiatry sentiments, it has been extremely important for them as well.
But it hasn't worked yet, and this feels a little bit like a failure on our part.
We finally hit a breaking point fairly recently, and found a therapist who then quite promptly diagnosed us. Since then, it's been night and day. Alters are more active, we switch more frequently, we are capable of leaving the house on short notice (and at all!). Our social anxiety has largely vanished, at least for the time being. It's like waking up after ten straight years of a depressive haze dominated by our repressive persecutor-host, and she is finally getting the rest she needed.
But really, after all that? The journey to self discovery, the repeated attempts to convince ourselves that we CAN just choose to be this way, that we can just act the way we naturally wish that we could... the only thing that could break through the wall was still to validate it through the framework we were trying to escape.
We tried so, so hard to truly believe that it would be okay for us to just be, but it just... didn't work. We still needed a therapist to tell us it was okay, that we really are the way we think we are, and that it is healthy to embrace. And it didn't matter how many peers also told us this; we needed a professional. We just did not believe anyone else, even though we desperately wanted to AND deeply respected their journeys and experiences.
This isn't really meant to be a Sad Post or anything, I mostly just think we have a lot more work to do. We were deeply damaged by things like fakedisordercringe AND many anti-endogenic sentiments in online system communities, and it is not nearly as easy to shake the self hatred and doubt as I'd hoped.
I do, to some extent, resent the fact that we ultimately felt that we needed someone to give us permission to exist. But. Well. We do certainly feel like we are allowed to exist, now. Perhaps even a bit vindicated.
Strange.
#did system#syscourse#<- mainly for blocking purposes! This is NOT a syscourse post but I briefly mention it#🪐 post#also clarifying that I do not mind this ending up in the syscourse tags. I didn't forget
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
i have never found fak less charming than i do now. yikes
"do you think donna's gonna do something crazy?" donna being mrs. berzatto's name i'm guessing (mulaney calls her "Auntie Dee")? yeah she is.
nat trying to enlist carmy in getting rid of the alcohol and carmy is like "i have no idea i'm doing six things no one look at me"
the history of nat's nickname is so...mundane? like...we've all mixed up salt/sugar before. not in gravy, mind, but i don't make a lot of italian gravy. traditional gravy (meat drippings + roux)? yeah. not italian.
cousin steve going in on the baseball card racket b/c it sounds hilarious to him is the most relatable thing i've ever seen on tv. like it's not gonna end well but boy is it gonna be worth his money for the entertainment
gosh in every carmy/mikey scene every line of dialogue is a painful reminder of carmy's "i just wanted him to say good job!" from 1X08.
"i don't need you acting all nice if you don't give a f//k" that's carmy, down to his bones. it's why he said nat was being gross when she pulled the Small Innocent Little Girl act on cicero. carmy lies, dodges, represses, stays out of stuff, sure. but when people ask him what he thinks, he tells them. and he doesn't want people to be nice to him if they actually don't care.
carmy wants to be loved so badly, wants to be loved without having to ask for it or claw it out of people. it hurts really, really bad. exquisitely acted.
gift giving! he has a knack for it -- the knife to tina is the most recent example, but very few people to give to right now. the drawing is so lovely, and carmy looks so boyish and happy when mikey says he loves it
oh mikey. he looks so lost and so unhappy and so worried when he's by himself. he's not doing well and he hides it through loud bravado, and especially looks like he hides it from carmy. the beef is a mess right now, and i think he knows he probably won't be around to open that restaurant with carmy. but his note makes even more sense now, as does the money. it really was the gift he felt like he could give. i'm hard on mikey as an older sibling, but he's got his own stuff he's dealing with on top of everything, and it really shows sometimes
this family is so full of desperately sick, unhappy, unhealthy people. and it seems like when they congregate, it just gets worse.
mikey's trying to set carmy up for life, in the role of father figure/older brother -- skills, money, even a romantic partner. but none of it is what carmy actually needs, present day.
"is it possible that you're the asshole" cousin steve can you come back we need your insights. i feel like him, syd, and pete would be Buddies
kind, sensitive, devoted, altruistic, empathetic, and commonly known to be adept at grieving -- characteristics of bears? characteristics of our titular Bear?
mikey sneaking out in full Joseph of Bethlehem regalia, richie noticing
cousin steve do not get eaten by the jaguar
i love when normalish people interact with Berzatto Insanity (like my beloved pete! where is pete? did nat not meet him yet?) and it's like...oh they're in another realm. right.
"no one lifts a finger to help me" as nat is down on her knees cleaning up. yikes.
suicide threats. wonderful. yeah i'm going back to the armchair diagnosis of HPD. my gosh.
RUN COUSIN STEVE that was hysterical
that is a hug that nat very much needed. thank you cousin steve
oh no what's donna gonna do. i know it's not gonna be suicide but it's def gonna be a Spectacle, and prolly traumatic
#the bear#liveblogging#2X06#this is a hard ep to watch. about 20 min. left and i have no idea what else can go wrong#are the seven fishes gonna burn? is donna gonna burn the house down?#bad things are brewing and carmy's disappeared and i am Worried
19 notes
·
View notes
Text
Epilogue - Chapter 43, Lord Buchanan
Summary: It's going to become quite evident that this isn't exactly an epilogue. The previous 42 chapters kind of started in the middle of something bigger while focusing mainly on the story of the main female character, Ileana. So, just to wrap things up I decided to give a "brief" history of the world she found herself in, a world that was confusing in how it seemed to be a meld of various different eras in her own planet's history. There will still be an update of sorts of the main characters, but the majority will be a description of how they all got to that point.
Length: 7.8 K
Warnings: some curse words
Author notes: The images in the mood board were created by myself using the Microsoft app Copilot, using the Designer mode. Sometimes the results are a bit hit and miss but these ones seemed to convey the passage of time in the character of Lord Buchanan, James Buchanan Barnes. I know this fantasy story isn’t for everyone but it was a lot of fun to write and the last six chapters (not including the Epilogue) were written when I was dealing with a sudden serious cancer diagnosis. It allowed me an outlet for the darkness that threatened me, physically and emotionally. If you’re one of the few who has read it in its entirety (you know who you are 😘), thank you for your support of this cult classic.
<<Chapter 42
🌅 🌕
As any sorcerer can tell the lay person, dealing with multiple universes can be tricky. For a certain witch who was known as the Scarlet Sorceress in her old world, but as Dr. Wanda Maximoff in her current one, the stakes were high when she put a plan into motion to save her previous world from a natural disaster that had almost destroyed it centuries before. She was a young woman the first time an asteroid hit the atmosphere of her world, landing in the mid-Atlantic Ocean and sending tsunamis across that vast water that devastated the coastlines of the countries bordering it. Those tsunamis travelled around the world affecting all countries, sending them into a decline that caused chaos and despair, as crops were affected, communications destroyed, technology wiped out and governments toppled. What rose from the remains of the countries regressed to a form of medieval kingdoms, as strong individuals took power, then offered their protection to the population in return for their loyalty and their labour. The churches also prospered, heralding the event as just retribution for turning away from faith. But something else arose from those dark times, as certain people developed the abilities to manipulate aspects of life, including time, health, and the ability to travel between the multiple universes. The magic that the calamity released from eons of repression filled those sensitive individuals and imbued them with powers that could be used for enlightenment or to keep people enslaved.
The Sorceress was one of those individuals who sought enlightenment, and in concert with the others like herself worked hard to prevent the asteroids from impacting their world again. Over the centuries it came at a cost, as their powers became depleted by all that it took to keep the asteroids still orbiting the sun from their destructive paths. One by one, in order to keep from dying themselves, the purveyors of magic found it necessary to leave their world, to begin a life elsewhere in one of the multiple universes that abounded. On the original world, the threat of the asteroids became great again and the Sorceress, one of the few with powers still remaining there, sought to change the fate of her world by drawing in people from the other modern universes, people with knowledge that could benefit and bring about change.
As wars for control of scarce resources raged around her, the Sorceress sought a place where a plan could be set into motion to restore the lost knowledge of the society she was born into. Others of her kind did the same in their lands, but it took a long time for her to find a suitable place, in the Kingdom of the Broken Lands. Originally known as Brooklyn, once a borough of a larger metropolitan area called New York, the name itself meant "broken land," as its original colonizers noticed the large number of streams that cut through it.
When the Sorceress first presented herself to the court of King Joseph, he was old and sick; his only son, Steven, was just a child, and she knew from her own visions that a tyrant was coming to take control. In those same visions, she had seen the young son growing into a just and strong man, who with the help of loyal subjects from all walks of life, would eventually take his kingdom back. It was that kingdom that would be the site of her attempts at the plan that other sorcerers and sorceresses had implemented elsewhere. All they needed was for the young king to be kept safe from harm, and to be raised in secret with a certain farmer, his wife, and their son.
When the Titan despot, known as Thanos, arrived on their shores with his massive army, she convinced the king to let her smuggle his son, then just a small, sickly boy, to a place of safety. He agreed and she disguised herself as a nursemaid, using her magic to slip past the Titan's forces and into the countryside where a farmer and his wife struggled to make ends meet as they eked out a living on their small farm, granted to him after his own service with the king came to an end. His son, James Buchanan Barnes, was only a year older than the young prince, but found a kindred spirit in the sickly, but prankish nature of the boy. With the help of some of her own family line who had the gift of knowledge, the prince was educated, along with the Barnes boy, and both grew up believing their destiny was to restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, Prince Steven Grant Rogers, son of King Joseph Rogers, who had since perished as a prisoner of Thanos.
The years spent in hiding were hard on everyone as Thanos was a cruel master. Under his rule, people were little more than slaves, except for those noblemen who pledged their allegiance to him. Life was hard, people were hungry all the time, and illness claimed many, including the wife of the farmer Barnes, his beloved Winter. Even the young prince wept at her death, for she had been the only mother he ever knew, his own having died giving birth to him. But it steeled something in him, turned his prankish nature into one more determined into taking back what was his. To most of the outside world, Steven and young Bucky, the farmer's son, were little more than serfs, planting the crops that the farmer Barnes grew and harvested, then travelled with him to sell. It was a hard life, but in their travels, they made contact with others who also longed to fight against the Titan. Gradually, the two young men, brothers really, picked up the skills of warriors, learning sword play, becoming proficient in the use of a staff and a pike, and learning to ride a horse with the slightest touch of their knee, or a whispered command. The word went out in secret that the young prince lived and was amassing an army.
By this time there were noblemen who felt the yoke of servitude as too great a price to pay for their allegiance, and several of them, most notably Lord Howard Stark, became involved in supporting the secret army. The neighbouring Kingdom of the Green Lands, who had used magic to present themselves as not worthy of conquest also provided support, as the two young princes of the ruler King Odin, convinced their father the time was right to rise as one against the Titan.
The Sorceress, who had yet to draw any modern people over from the other universes, made her first attempt, bringing a man with knowledge and the ability to fight into her world, making a copy of him when he went through a wormhole in his own universe. What she didn't count on was that he himself had a duality; sometimes he was a reasonable man of science, but other times he was a raging green beast of a monster, uncontrollable in almost every way. The man who arrived in her world was both, but he was definitely not in a mood to cooperate. In desperation, she charged the farmer Barnes to approach him, with the promise of leading the giant, named Bruce, to a remote place where he could live unhindered. Filling the older Barnes with a sense of calmness she sent him to the giant, successfully calming him and ensuring that he would live relatively quietly as a hermit, until he was needed. The farmer continued the tenuous friendship with the giant, and even brought his son, James, with him on occasion, a move that worked out very well, as the giant accepted the young man's presence.
It was at that point, that the Sorceress rethought the plan of bringing in people from modern worlds, realizing that some people were less adaptable than others. As she watched and observed the young king and his foster brother become older, and stronger men, in both look and temperament she presented herself to him, promising to use her magic to assist him. By the time he was the age of 18, he had a formidable army, and the battles began. First, were sorties against the places where the Titan was spread thin, or his army had grown fat and complacent. In a space of three years the young king helped restore other kingdoms to their rightful rulers, never once keeping the land that he freed for himself. All he asked was their help to go against the Titan and free others under his control.
There had been a grievous blow struck against the king when his foster brother, and closest friend, James Buchanan Barnes, Buck to his friends, was captured and thought to be dead. It had been just after the third year of the start of the many battles they fought together. Fearing the growing power that Steven had accumulated, Thanos employed the help of a dark sorcerer, one who lusted for power, into placing a curse on Buck. The curse, where he would be transformed into a wolf who would attack the king on the words, "Buck, my brother," took months to impose on the young warrior, who fought against its implementation. Then they let him escape, knowing he would return to his foster brother's side. As he stumbled into the encampment, almost unrecognizable, there were those who told the king of Buck's return. Rushing out to an open area between the tents he reacted with joy at the sight of the man he had grown up with. Bringing him into his tent, the orders were given to tend to Buck's wounds, to bathe, and clothe him so that he would begin to feel normal again. Unable to tell the king what had been done to him, the younger Barnes could only weep when his king greeted him again with the triggering words and he transformed into a white wolf intent on tearing the young king apart. Backing him into a corner he was prepared to leap for the throat of his king, when Steven did a most extraordinary thing.
"I will not fight you, Buck," he said, calmly. "You have been my brother since I was a sickly boy. Together, we planted the fields with vegetables, and I learned the value of even the lowliest farm worker by working at your side. I saw you picking the lock on the slave boy's cage, then giving him the food that kept him alive as he escaped from a life of misery. I laughed as I watched you struggled to open a container of flour, almost rolling in glee as it covered your face in its white powder. I cried with you when your mother breathed her last. If I am to die by your hand, then I embrace it for we have been together in life, and it is right that we should be together in death."
He dropped his sword, then approached the wolf, reaching out with his hands, grasping the thick fur of its neck, then burying his face into it. The wolf, which had initially growled its threats at him, began to whimper and the small circle of men present in the tent watched in amazement as the enchantment ended and an unclothed Buck was revealed in the clutch of his foster brother's arms. All were sworn to secrecy that day, so that the wolf could not be controlled by any other.
The Sorceress thought long and hard over how the young king had been able to counter the enchantment. Her only answer was love; in this case the love between the two men as brothers, trusting each other completely. It was then she realized that the modern people she had to bring into this world needed the capacity to love and be loved, as well as the knowledge of science and engineering needed to transform her world. Looking around the young king's council, she saw men with potential that could be increased if the right catalyst could encourage those aptitudes. The rest of the modern people brought to this world would be women. It made sense to her, even in this land where women were still seen as belonging to their husband's and fathers. If she chose well the women who came in would prove their worth with their knowledge. If they were not up to the task, then she could return them, disguising their stay as a dream. It would mean she would have to split herself between many universes, but it was also possible to find other sorcerers in those other worlds who would send her the right people.
Her plan was put into motion and over the years the modern women were brought in, as the uncrowned king continued his war against the Mad Titan. After almost ten years of fighting the Titan made one last grasp for victory when he captured a large contingent of Steven's men. Imprisoned in a castle deep in his territory he hoped to draw in the young king, encircle him and kill him outright to secure his hold permanently. Instead, Buck came up with a plan to use the White Wolf against Thanos, slipping past his defences and freeing the men in question. In the process, he would learn the weaknesses of their enemy, returning back to be transformed into himself again. It was risky but it worked, and the men escaped, returning to the king's forces. Buck was not with them, having listened to the call of his wolf brethren and joining them in the forest. Anxious to restore his friend to his human form Steven had traps placed everywhere, finally enticing the ghostly White Wolf into one. As before, he approached him and convinced the wolf to allow the man to appear. Just as Buck appeared, the Titan attacked, taking advantage of his vulnerability. Even without clothes or weapons the younger Barnes fought alongside his brother, receiving a terrible wound to his left arm in the process. Determined to protect his friend to the end, Steven stood over his wounded brother and fought the Titan to the point of almost being defeated himself. The arrival of Prince Thorn, and the new Lord Stark, Anthony, whose father had died in battle the week before, distracted the Titan and together the three fought him, until King Steven picked up Thorn's hammer from where it had fallen and took the tyrant's head off in one fell swoop, ending ten years of war, and many more years of cruelty. The dark sorcerer disappeared, Thanos' remaining army dispersed like dried leaves in the wind, and peace was finally on the land.
Buck, still grievously hurt, prepared to receive the last rites as the priest appeared with the Sorceress. She declared that she could heal his wounds, although the scars would be a testament to his close demise, forever. With the king's insistence, she healed Buck, although it was two more days before he woke up, under the white sheets of a bed in the palace that the young king had called home as a little boy. An offer was made to him to stay as the Knight Commander of the King's Guard, but he declined, wanting to go home and finally marry his love, Hannah. He suggested the Falconer, Sam Wilson, would be a more suitable Knight Commander in the restored kingdom.
After several more days recovery he set out for his homelands, Eden Vale, where his father farmed a large plot under fealty to the Baron, a kind man who would have been part of the contingent helping the young king, except for his infirmity. His son, Helmut Zemo, had been part of the force against Thanos, although he had returned immediately after the death of the tyrant. By the time Buck returned to the land of Eden Vale, after King Steven's coronation, he learned that the younger Zemo had convinced Hannah's father to marry her to him, giving him a large dowry and a large plot of land as a reward. In desperation, Buck offered him everything he owned to divorce her, freeing her from the marriage. But Zemo, always jealous of the bond between king and farmer, declined, citing his right as heir to the elder Baron to choose any woman in his lands as his bride. For a year, he showed off his wife as much as possible, as well as his two mistresses, often when the three women were in the same room. It was humiliating for the young wife, and she took her own life in despair. Buck almost killed the heir to Eden Vale then, but his father convinced him to undergo training for the monastery and the younger Barnes, not yet fully a priest, opted to go to the Holy Lands on a journey across the ocean, trying to wrest control of those lands from those the church called heretics.
It was in those hot, arid lands where Buck, injured and left for dead after a battle was approached by a young, wild black stallion. The horse, whose glossy black coat and long mane marked him as being part of a bloodline long thought lost in the calamity, stood over the fallen soldier, seemingly intrigued by the man. Nudging him several times, he stayed with him until the man aroused once the sun was down. Nickering softly to him in the darkness the great horse watched as the man raised himself in the sands, looking around then spying him.
"Great horse," whispered Buck. "Are you real or are you my steed for the after life?"
Slowly approaching him, the horse lowered its head, nudging the wounded soldier. He inhaled the scent of the man, finding it pleasant and blew his own breath out through his nose. Then he kneeled down on one foreleg, low enough for the injured man to clamber onto his back. Wrapping his hands in the part of the mane closest to him, Buck leaned forward, then whispered in the Latin he had learned as part of his studies to join the priesthood.
"Magnus equus me domum." [Great horse, take me home.]
The horse reared up, as if in joy at finding the one who would ride him, then began to run through the sands. Always steady and sure footed, he brought the man to an oasis, where they both drank their fill from the well. Several date palms were convinced to drop their fruit to replenish his energy, and Buck began to believe that he and the horse were destined to be together. It was reinforced at their arrival at the garrison of his order, when the bishop saw the horse, and in his pride, commanded the young man to relinquish his ownership of it; since he was almost a priest, he should renounce all worldly possessions. When the bishop's stable hands attempted to put a bridle on the magnificent horse and lead him away, he lashed out, almost injuring one of them. Only Buck could calm him, and the bishop reluctantly admitted that God had seen fit to reward the man for his piety. Then he sent them both on a mission, to physically take a message to the bishop of another garrison, one located on the coast. Unknown to Buck, the message informed that bishop that the bearer was a heretic, the horse was his familiar, and both should be killed as enemies of the church. It was fortunate that the bishop at the other garrison was also a sorcerer, who had been part of the same vision that the Sorceress had seen about the younger Barnes' future. Instead of killing him, he told him the king had sent for him. He and the great horse should return back to the Broken Lands as soon as possible. When Buck protested the sorcerer reassured him.
"You and Magnus are needed there," he said, noticing the man's surprise at the name given the stallion. "He chose you because you knew his name already. He envisioned a life with you, one in the green lands of your home. This battle that we fight in this living hell on earth, will never be won, not in our lifetimes. Other battles await you, more important ones. Go, James Barnes, fulfill the destiny that awaits you. You are released from holy orders."
With papers proving his release, Buck and Magnus boarded a sailing ship that took them through the Mediterranean, stopping in what was once Spain. Several breeders of horses attempted to buy Magnus, one even attempted to steal him, but he protected the horse as his most precious possession. By the time they arrived at the port in the Broken Lands, a month had passed, and the two were as close as any human brothers could ever be. His arrival coincided with the news that the young Zemo had become Baron, after the death of his father, and that he had accused the elder Barnes of failure to pay his due for the years of his service to the estate.
"The Baron of the Rocky Woodlands passed away in your absence," said King Steven. "He left no heirs, as they perished during our battles against the Titan. I wish to offer the estate to you, to elevate you formally into a nobleman, as befits your own nature. As Zemo's equal, he cannot deny your request to pay your father's so-called debt, which I have ruled is 20 gold pieces. Take your father home, Buck. Be my Right Hand, by law as you have always been by brotherhood."
"Only if I take the title of Lord, instead. Lord Buchanan, so that my mother's family name still lives on."
He looked steadily at his foster brother who agreed, and the investiture was performed, although there were some, like Lord Dreykov and Lord Pierce, who were not happy at the elevation of a farmer into the nobility. After making their opposition known, they abided by the King's decision and when Lord Buchanan rode the magnificent black stallion, Magnus, onto Zemo's estate to collect his father, he did it with several men from his own garrison. Some of them, like Rhodes, his new garrison commander, were men he had served with during the long war with Thanos.
"Baron Zemo!" he announced from the courtyard, so that all present could hear him. "By order of the king I offer you the settlement of 20 gold pieces to pay any debt that you feel is owed to you by my father. I await my father's presence as required by the law of the Kingdom of the Broken Lands."
He had been coached on what to say by Jarvis, the king's historian, whose knowledge of the laws of the land was unparalleled. It was several minutes before Zemo appeared, standing on a balcony in his sleeping clothes with two women draped over him, both of them scandalously unclothed.
"His debt is much greater," said Zemo, sullenly.
"Not according to your king," stated Buchanan. "With witnesses present I have been authorized to inform you that if you do not accept the king's judgement in this that you will be considered to be in breach of your vow of fealty to him, made in the presence of God, and in the presence of your peers. You will start a civil war which you have no chance of winning. The choice is yours, Zemo."
"You must be enjoying this," said the haughty baron. "All the money I laid out for Hannah's dowry, which she cheated me out of by killing herself just a day after I would be unable to claim it back. Your own father's debt of hundreds of gold coins reduced to just 20."
Buchanan's hand settled on the hilt of his sword. "You do not have the right to talk ill of the dead," he replied, with glowering eyes. "This is my last request for my father. How do you answer?"
The baron looked behind him, nodding at another person. Then he faced Buchanan.
"I accept the king's wisdom," he said. "Your father is being brought up at this moment. Please hand the 20 gold pieces to my steward."
"When I see my father I will give it to you," answered Buchanan, his hand still on his weapon.
Moments later two guards dragged his father out in a sorry state and for a moment Lord Buchanan contemplated taking his own revenge on the arrogance of the baron. His father was filthy, his clothes covered in the excrement of himself and other animals. Rhodes glanced at his lord, then dismounted with another man, and searched the face of the old man who was before him. After several questions, he was convinced it was the elder Buchanan and nodded to the newly invested lord. He gestured to another soldier who left, returning with a small cart, fitted out with a soft bed. Together they helped the old man onto the cart.
Buchanan hefted the pouch with the gold coins in it for a long moment, considering whether to empty it into the horse shit-filled courtyard, but instead he handed it to the steward and turned Magnus around.
"See you at the palace sometime," said Zemo, as a farewell but Buchanan did not respond, wanting only to return with his father to their new home.
As soon as they were past the border of Eden Vale, they stopped at an inn, where more of his garrison waited, along with Mary, the housekeeper of the former lord. She knew both the elder Barnes and the younger man well, having become friends with them as they sold their vegetables. When she saw the condition of the older man she burst into tears.
"It's not right, M'Lord, that the Baron can get away with this," she said. "Why is he so cruel, when his father was a kind and just man?"
"There is darkness in all men, Mary," replied the young lord, as he picked his father up in his arms, and took him inside the inn, where she had already drawn a bath for the man. "Come, let's get him cleaned up." He looked at Rhodes. "See to your men, make sure they have food, drink and a place to sleep for the night. I have rented all the rooms so some may have to double up, but we won't leave until my father is well enough to travel. The Sorceress is on her way?"
"Aye, she is, sir," said Mary. "The falconer said she should be here before the dawn. Six of the King's Guard accompany her, including the Knight Commander."
"Good, they will also make sure that Baron Zemo makes no attempt at retribution against me."
Together they undressed the old man and Buchanan laid him in the metal tub of warm water. While Mary washed his hair, Buchanan washed his father's body, alarmed at the bruises and cuts he had received while in Zemo's dungeons. It stoked his anger and several times he wanted only to mount Magnus and ride back to that castle to challenge the Baron to a duel for his mistreatment of a man the old Baron considered a friend. However, a voice, perhaps of the Sorceress herself, whispered that someday he would have his moment to dispatch the Baron.
Before dawn, as promised, the Sorceress arrived and was ushered into Buchanan's room, where he rested on a mat on the floor next to his father's bed. As he anxiously watched while she placed her cool hands on the old man's face, murmuring incantations, he saw his father's tortured look finally relax. When the Sorceress pulled her hands away, she patted his father on the chest then bid Buchanan to join her outside the room.
"Your father has suffered a damaging injury to his mind," she said. "I have done what I could, but it is permanent, made worse by the treatment he suffered in Zemo's dungeons." Immediately, Buchanan sought his sword, but she stayed his hand. "If you seek revenge now, you will lose to him. You will be killed and all that is planned for you will be for nought."
"Planned for me? What is planned for me?"
"I cannot enlighten you to that," she answered calmly. "Just believe that you are destined for something good and great, that will serve your king and the people not only of this kingdom but all who still live on this planet. That's not to say that there won't be heartbreak along the way because there will be. My Lord Buchanan, you are one of the best men in this kingdom; the king being another. Other men take inspiration from you and will for many years. But, if you give in to your need for immediate revenge now, or in the future, it will rebound back on you tenfold and undo everything good you have accomplished. Please, heed my counsel. Other battles await you, more important ones. Your time to avenge the evil done by Baron Zemo will come and when it does, I will not block your path."
He breathed heavily for several long minutes, considering her words. Other battles await you, more important ones. Those were the exact same words spoken by the bishop in the coastal garrison of the holy lands, words spoken by a man of God, then repeated just now by a holder of the deeper magic. He removed his hand from his sword.
"Very well," he replied. "I will not take my revenge on Baron Zemo until the time is right, until the day when you do not stop me from my path."
"Thank you," she answered, placing her cool hands on his much larger and more calloused ones. "Allow your father to rest until midday, then return to your estate. Give him a garden to plant and tend. It will keep his mind occupied and make him happy. There will be days he knows you but there will be days he doesn't. Be kind, love him, he was and is a good father to you and the king."
"What of you?" he asked. "Will you rest?"
She smiled. "When I have accomplished all that is before me, I will rest. I promise."
Over the next few years, there was peace in the kingdoms, as the various kings and their noblemen set about to restore prosperity to the lands ravaged by Thanos reign and the long war. More modern people arrived, women with knowledge of science, technology, medicine, and engineering. The Sorceress began sharing "visions" of what the women had left behind in their universes and although the inhabitants of this world didn't really understand they saw the visions of great cities of glass and steel, factories that churned out whatever was needed in those worlds, marketplaces filled with all sorts of food. Even television and movies were explained, although not fully understood. The more enlightened lords, like Stark and Buchanan, saw some good in the visions they were given. Stark sought to understand how those great machines could work and when he found the modern woman who would become his wife in his stable, agreed to keep her presence a secret for in her world, there was a history of women with her knowledge being treated as dangerous. Buchanan fell in love with a modern woman, Elena, but he was a possessive husband, and she felt stifled, never happy with her life on the estate. When she expressed a desire to return home or die trying, the Sorceress sent her back, removing the memory of her life in their world. Buchanan, who had awoken alone, was harder to treat, as his love was deep and the only reason he could accept for her leaving was her death, so the Sorceress put that into his mind. She felt terrible for the manipulation and even worse when Baron Zemo overheard her confide that to King Steven's wife, formally Queen Margaret, or Peg as she was commonly called. He used that knowledge to his advantage, keeping both women wondering when he would reveal their shared secret.
Peggy Carter, a British captain in the army, was no fool. A former spy, she was pulled out of her world just before her counterpart died in a suicide bombing in London. Landing in the forest, directly in front of King Steven as he rode to get away from the pressures of ruling, she was recognized as military by him, just by her uniform. Introducing himself, he offered to help her up behind him on his horse, impressed at how she used her own strength as well as his to climb up. Surprised that he didn't seem afraid of her, he told her how there were many modern women appearing in the land, all of them accomplished.
"By your garb, I take it you were a soldier," he said. "You wear cloth breeches and have regalia on your collar and sleeves that mark you as having a commission."
"I am a Captain," she replied. "I saw several tours of combat and can fight against most men, holding my own against them. Do you not have women in your military here?"
"No, although it is an idea I have contemplated," he said. "Certainly, there have been some who managed to live just fine without a husband or male relative to provide for them. They seem to chop wood, hunt, and fish on their own with few difficulties. It stands to reason they could probably fight if they had to. However, there are many more men who still think women should stay at home and take care of their children. Not all women are meant for that however."
"We have a saying in my world for men like that," she ventured. "Fuck the patriarchy."
At first, he was shocked to hear those words come from her lips, then he laughed and looked back at her.
"What would you replace it with?"
"Equality for all sexes," she replied. "You must have men who prefer men, women who prefer women, some that prefer both or several at the same time. Replace the patriarchy with respect for everyone and let them live their lives. As long as no one is hurt, what does it matter?"
"Indeed, what does it matter?"
Over the next few weeks, he found Peg, as she preferred to be called, was more than capable of holding her own against most men, although she didn't know sword play, her staff skills were basic, as were her archery skills. But in hand-to-hand combat, few men could best her. When she saw a carbine, that a pedlar from one of the far-off lands had brought in as personal protection she talked the man into letting her fire several rounds at a target, convincing the king to pay him a gold piece for the opportunity. She hit the target dead centre each time.
"Where did this come from?" she asked. "It has US Army markings on it."
"It is ancient," he said. "I traded for it in the Oklahoma wilderness where the first peoples who were there from the beginning still live. I had some copper wire that I salvaged from another place. They saw it, offered me the carbine, plus a horse. It was a good trade, but I will need more rounds of ammunition for it. I just hope that what I have lasts until I get back there with something else to trade."
She looked at the king. "You have the makings of gunpowder, don't you?" He nodded. "Do you have any blacksmiths or farriers with modern knowledge?" He nodded again. She looked at the pedlar. "I will see if I can duplicate your ammunition. I'll need a single round to measure and weigh the components."
"Another gold piece," he offered.
She looked back at Steven, who nodded, producing a gold piece from a leather pouch. They didn't see each other for two weeks as she worked almost exclusively with the farrier. During that time, she figured out very quickly that the Sorceress had a plan, seeing how she nudged attitudes and decisions towards things that would make life better. The Sorceress also didn't seem surprised with what Peg was doing. When the pedlar stopped at the palace before returning to their land, she presented him with a case of 24 rounds of ammunition.
"That is a gift," she said. "As long as you don't tell anyone where you got them from. It will be our secret. Do you agree?"
"If you know how to make more rounds you should be trading them," he said. "I know many pedlars with carbines that are useless because they ran out of ammunition and haven't found anything the Oklahomans want in trade."
She shrugged. "Let's just say I'm working on something a little easier to carry but it would be better if no one knew about it just yet. When we are ready, we can talk."
The little something she referred to was a hand pistol, easily reloaded, and able to be carried on a holster that fit around the waist. Wanting to demonstrate to the king how effective it could be as an additional weapon she agreed to demonstrate it in the woods, accompanied only by the King and Lord Buchanan, his Right Hand and foster brother. As expected, like other men of their world, they were both of the opinion that her demonstration would not change their minds on the pistol's benefits. When she hit the six-inch diameter target from over a hundred yards away both men very quickly changed their opinion. Giving them both the opportunity to try it for themselves she was gratified when they both agreed it would be a superior weapon to add to their arsenal and plans were made to begin manufacturing them. After Buchanan retired for the night, the King realized that Peg was a woman of exceptional capability, whose mere presence set his heart racing. Impulsively, he asked for her hand in marriage. Just as impulsively, she accepted.
This was the state of the kingdom when it seemed that the influx of modern women suddenly slowed, affecting the rate of change in the home world of the Sorceress. Although she was in communication with her future version, Wanda Maximoff, the Sorceress was worried that just as they were on the brink of a major breakthrough that could save her world, the last few women that were needed to help the process had not yet been found. That was, until a young woman named Ileana, a victim of an assault, was brought in unconscious to the ER. Accompanied by her blind date, named Bucky, who had arrived at the scene of the assault too late to prevent it, Wanda was surprised to find that he was Lord Buchanan's counterpart, while Ileana was another counterpart of the nobleman's deceased wife Elena. Advising the Sorceress of the pair's appearance, they sent this version of Ileana to that world, hoping that this time she would choose to stay. Still, they prepared for the possibility she wouldn't. At the time, both the Sorceress and the doctor believed only one of the two young women would survive. After several tense days that fear proved groundless as both versions chose to stay where they were, binding themselves to their world's James Buchanan Barnes.
In that world that was thrown back in time, Ileana quickly became Lady Buchanan, and joined the Queen's Guard, learning the necessities of sword play, and physical fighting with a staff or pike. Over a longer time, the mother of two daughters and two sons, became an essential part of the Queen's Council, formed of both modern and native-born women in the kingdom. Arising out of an ad hoc strike that formed where the women of the kingdom refused their services unless they received the same rights as men, it spread to a movement to improve health care, educational opportunities in higher learning and trades, and raise the standard of living overall.
Her version of James Buchanan Barnes, Lord Buchanan, remained as the King's Right Hand, his most trusted advisor. He became a leading statesman for the kingdom, travelling across the land and even across the ocean to the east, establishing diplomatic relations with those kingdoms that had survived the calamity there. Remaining allied closely to the Kingdom of the Green Lands, ruled progressively by King Thorn, the Kingdom of Blue Waters, also ruled progressively by Queen Maria, the Confederation of Oklahoma Tribes, led by the Grand Chief Waya, and the Lone Star Republic, governed by a council led by his foster son, Quin Torres-Walker, Buchanan often travelled with their emissaries as a group, showing a unified position to the rest of the world as they sought out the survivors of the calamity, now estimated to have happened almost 700 years before.
For all of his travelling, Buchanan was happiest at home on his estate, with his beloved Ileana. The last of the Sorceress' magic, along with the connection he had with his wife, was what brought him back from the last known appearance of the White Wolf. Although he never transformed into that mystical creature again, it was said that he sometimes rode into the forests of his estate and communed with the wolves there, accompanied by Sky, the black wolf that chose to live with him.
It was more likely to see Buchanan in the company of Dr. Bruce Banner, once known only as Bruce the Giant. Finding his own place in the kingdom as the chief scientific and medical advisor to the king, he lived a mostly quiet life with his wife, Betty, a modern born veterinarian. Able to reclaim his human form, after a moment of realization that he was happy in his situation, he was respected by many and consulted on most endeavours of a scientific nature.
The biggest of those ventures, the coordination of the remaining missiles of destruction, plus others that were located to destroy any remaining asteroids that threatened their world was ambitious. Using the observations of several large telescopes that were discovered and restored, plus the calculations of the supercomputer safely ensconced in the port of the Broken Lands kingdom, a team of modern born scientists, including Banner, and Queen Jane of the Kingdom of the Green Lands, plus several brilliant minds that came from the world as it was, including Lord Anthony Stark, William Harley, and Silas Brenson (still refusing any title offered to him), watched one morning as a coordinated launch of all the missiles was sent into the asteroid cloud. With the cooperation of many to keep the population inside at the moment of impact a great flash was seen from far away, confirming the impact of the missiles on the deadly rocks. Broken up into many smaller, less lethal meteoroids that mostly burned up in the atmosphere, the few that did make it to the ground became treasured souvenirs of the day that their world became free of the threat of destruction from above. For several nights after the event, the night skies glowed as the Northern Lights seemed to celebrate their good fortune. Life for this universe's version of Earth became good and its people prospered.
➿ ➿
In the modern world only a few hours passed between the time Ileana arrived at the emergency room, then woke up and went off into the night with her blind date, Bucky Barnes. The appearance of the Northern Lights so far south as New Orleans, as they walked outside seemed to be a sign that their romance was off to a good start. Certainly, the former Sorceress, now fully integrated into one being, as Dr. Wanda Maximoff, still had enough of her old magic left to give the couple a blessing, ensuring that they would have a good life.
Now just over 700 years old, she had expended all of her supernatural abilities into keeping her old world alive after the calamity that almost destroyed it. It hadn't been just keeping the asteroids at bay, nudging them in space to avoid impact as best she could. It had also been ensuring that the satellites visible in the sky to Lord Buchanan that one night, kept circling the planet without decaying their orbits, especially the International Space Station. Viewing that had confirmed to the modern born women that the backwards world they now found themselves on had once been advanced and could be again. Her powers had also been used to keep batteries charged in the missile silos, long enough for them to be discovered, explored, then powered by solar or wind power developed on site. Countless encounters between modern borns, and native borns, even the pairing of certain native borns had been instigated by her, in the hopes of creating the necessary partnerships that would save the world. The draining of her own powers was freely given, and she was now content to live her life as a mortal, aging normally in this modern world she now found herself in.
Wanda would always remember the moment she first saw the gravely injured Lord Buchanan on the battlefield after the defeat of the Mad Titan, realizing this was the man who could be the linchpin of the great change needed to save her home world. In an instant, she recognized the nobility within him, seeing his whole past and future history flash in her mind. From his beginnings as a lowly born farmer, reluctant but exemplary soldier, and almost priest, to respected lord and statesman, she saw the path laid before him with clarity, a path she could ensure would happen. There would be times of heartbreak, but also great happiness and satisfaction in his life, for he truly saw the greater picture, and was a man who saw duty as an obligation. More than anyone else, she would ensure his survival and his happiness, knowing that he was worthy of the accolades that would be said about him for many years. Because of her, the story of Lord Buchanan, born James Buchanan Barnes, would be part of that world's history forever.
THE END - FINALLY!
Series masterlist
Please support the author by reblogging.
#bucky barnes#bucky barnes fanfiction#buckybarnes original female character#medieval bucky#bucky barnes au#james buchanan barnes au#wanda maximoff#dying world
9 notes
·
View notes
Note
Two things
Does Axi have any odd habits? (ex shaky leg, biting metal, especially biting metal they look like a metal biter to me)
and
Are you okay with gift art of your characters?
OOH fun question bc i love brainstorming character details like this
im obsessed with the diagnosis of Axi being a Metal-Biter because it’s giving me the mental image of him just,, chomping on his shield HDJDHJD HE PROBABLY WOULD?
on the other hand this dude spends a LOT of time wearing the mask and keeping his face obscured (despite my doodles, the party currently has no idea that Axi and The Killer are the same guy lmao) so unfortunately for him,, minimal chewing stim. minimal anything bc this guy is super repressing everything 👍
he’s still got plenty of lil habits of course, they’re just more.. subtle? restrained? guy who’s standing still and straight except for tense twitchy fists at his sides because that’s as close as he’ll allow himself to a fidget. probably rolls his eyes a lot when people are talking and gets away with it because his face is obscured. also guy who has an overcomplicated nightly routine of cleaning/sharpening his weapons and refreshing the magic runes on em. therapy is expensive but emotional attachment to inanimate object is (mostly) free.
blorbo infodump aside, GIFT ART?? YEAH GO FOR IT?? I WOULD GO BONKERS AAA??
#oh this reply ended up way longer than i meant fhjdhdjd#ask#oc: axi#one could say that he’s masking *ba dum tss*
10 notes
·
View notes
Note
Maverick your stomach pains are symptom of repression.
"Did I ask for a diagnosis? Next time give me your advice when I ask for it. My ailments are none of your concern, only mine and my ordained healer's."
The stomach pains are a symptom of something more- and it was concerning. Maverick was starting to lose memory of his dragon form, and that never happened before. What if the Fae Council was right? What if he needed to be repressing the dragon even more? He didn't know if he would be able to handle that, or he'd break.
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
being a schizoid borderline narcissist fucking sucks. Cause my BPD has me extremely fearful of abandonment as well as ready to completely react with my mood swings and reckless behaviour. My narcissism will get a narc crash if I don't get constant love from my close loved ones, but I'm schizoid so I don't want my boundaries pushed or to be obligated to talk to people when I don't care. But not being around people gives me delusions of being abandoned and I want to react cause of my bpd and npd to feel loved and cared for and all while I can only blame myself cause of my schizoid behaviours making me need the distance, but when I receive the distance it drives me crazy.
Don't even get me started on the only ways my disorders play together. My schizoid and antisocial ass pushing chronic boredom even more and only making me want to do more reckless things, but also having executive dysfunction and being disabled and fatigued so all I end up doing is either portraying it in video games or just not doing anything and only having those cravings to do something, ANYTHING to alleviate the boredom and apathy heightened. The histrionic narcissism including fucked up sexuality from sexual trauma and religious trauma and having an alter that embodies a lot of HPD while also being sex repulsed and just having to live with craving triggering things because you grew up thinking it meant that was love even though in reality you would be horrified and then you accidentally trigger yourself into an episode and start crying and feeling unsafe and having reminders of your trauma. That one is always fun.
Im not even gonna get into my paranoia amd avoidance. Bruh. Bruuuuuh. That one is a whole bag of not fun.
And there's way I still don't fully understand the intricacies of my disorders all playing together in a hellish way. And I just sit here and I'm completely used to it that I don't even realize how truly fucked up I am until I'm met with people outside of the psychotic side of the mental health community or I talk to my significantly less psychotic but still traumatized and disordered friend and everything I experience is like taking her stuff and amplifying it and adding even more.
And the only person in my life who knows the true depths of all of this is MA. I tell my gf a bit, my friend probably saw some, but I never fully open up to the extent of how truly fucked up and fragmented my mind and body and soul are. Especially after my previous anti-self diagnosis phase where I was super shitty and now I'm everything I tried not to be :)
But overall, my coping skills are a lot better. Knowing what I'm dealing with to some extent, learning about my system, even unearthing some of my more repressed traumas and letting myself be cringe has helped a lot. I've found so many ways to better deal with things, I now understand my reactions and triggers a lot more, and I feel safe knowing that my system has my back and they always have. I used to feel "crazy" for things and wouldn't even say I had ocd and anxiety (even tho I do) and now I'm just like "nah fuck it." And having the communities on here have helped me learn a lot about my disorders and other ones in unstigmatized ways.
I don't really know what this post is, but I was just thinking about how I act and the way my disorders play together and then my mind trailed off cause im autistic and adhd as fuck.
#actually schizoid#actually antisocial#actually borderline#actually histrionic#actually narcissistic#actually paranoid#actually avoidant#actually autistic#actually disabled#actually traumatized#npd#aspd#avpd#szpd#bpd#hpd#ppd#antisocial#borderline#schizoid#narcissistic#histrionic#avoidant#paranoid#chronic fatigue#chronic pain#disabled#psychotic#schizospec#trauma
16 notes
·
View notes
Text
CHARACTER INTRODUCTIONS!!!!
All this info is from the very beginning of the story! I’ll make more character profiles as the story goes on!
Hamato Raphael:
Age: 13 and three quarters (well… that’s what he thinks he is)
Pronouns: he/him
Height: 6’1
Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly alligator snapping turtle and human
Fun facts: raph is a trans boy, autistic (i mean, as close as a turtle can be to a human diagnosis), and has OSDD (again, as close as he can come to the human diagnosis), though he doesn’t know it yet. can breathe underwater! team medic <3
Hamato Michelangelo:
Age: 11 (as far as he’s aware)
Pronouns: he/him
Height: 5’1
Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly ornate box turtle and human
Fun facts: he’s intersex, but he only finds out at 15 years old lmfao. turtle mutant equivalent of ADHD and probably autism but who knows? pyromaniac. aroace icon!!!
Hamato Donatello:
Age: 12 (twins with leo)
Pronouns: he/him (…or are they?)
Height: 5’9
Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly indian peacock softshell turtle and human, with a very prominent splash of lionfish
Fun facts: autism (again with the human terminology) galore, loves botany, chemistry, mechanics, and coding. can breathe underwater! shy, deadly, and extremely weird. cannot read a map even at gunpoint.
Hamato Leonardo:
Age: 12 (twins with donnie)
Pronouns: he/him and they/them
Height: 5’6
Species: mutant— absolute DNA cocktail, mostly red eared slider and human
Fun facts: PTSD. so much of it. apprentice medic, the best at hiding out of every single character except one. HOH from birth. ADHD (again, human terms). trans boy!
Splinter/ Hamato Yoshi:
Age: 42
Pronouns: he/him
Height: 6’1
Species: mutant— human and grasshopper mouse
Fun facts: represses himself so hard he represses others. absolute piece of shit. he chose this and he deserves what he gets. i hate him so much.
April O’Neil
Age: 14
Pronouns: she/her
Height: 5’
Species: human
Fun facts: autistic, trans girl, she was born without a left hand but completely forgets to do the “can you give me a hand” jokes or the “need a hand?” jokes when she’s wearing her prosthetic. probably hasn’t seen her parents in 2 months because they suck. will be officially adopted as the turtles’ sister
Alistair Phalanx Draxum:
Age: ????
Pronouns: all, but generally prefers he/him
Height: 6’8
Species: dorset sheep yōkai
Fun facts: autistic (again, human terms), genderqueer transmasc, has done genetic experiments but was very ethical about it all, Traumatized, currently a paediatric doctor with a specialty in surgery!
???? (referred to as It):
Age: he’d be around 47 at this point
Pronouns: he/him
Height: 6’1
Species: human
Fun facts: none of his facts are fun.
????:
Age: 12
Pronouns: he/him
Height: 4’11
Species: river/sea kushtaka hybrid
Fun facts: i love him. he’s going to die.
????:
Age: VERY OLD
Pronouns: she/her, it/its
Height: 5’
Species: lynx yōkai
Fun facts: extremely fluffy, wonderful person. saved alistair from himself. basically his mom now. paediatric doctor and therapist (thank god)
#Mock Turtle Soup au#MTS#Soupverse#tmnt oc#tmnt donatello#tmnt leonardo#tmnt raphael#tmnt michelangelo#tmnt fan iteration#rise of the tmnt#tmnt april#tmnt draxum#tmnt splinter#trans character#all the turtles have ptsd i just didn’t mention it for all of them#enjoy your surprise characters they will hurt#mystery boy won’t actually die i prommy
8 notes
·
View notes
Note
We’ve been mutuals for a long time so I remember your occasional mentions about therapy and healing, which actually played a role in prompting me to try and understand my own trauma I was in denial of for a very long time and starting my journey towards getting better I guess. I’m still really struggling with my anxiety, have been for a really long time, sometimes the triggers are too overwhelming and feels like therapy and trauma work only make me understand enough to want to run away again, due to how much my body reacts in social settings, or at the thought of how out of control everything is in my brain. Can I ask, perhaps in vague terms, what was your journey like in the beginning? Does the anxiety ever start to lessen in intensity? Do you ever get to the point where you can process your trauma enough to finally face the reality of it’s remnants in people and places? How long does it take till you begin to seek happiness instead of the vicious internal destruction? How (if at all) does the dynamics of your healing journey change when you let another person you love into your life?
By the end of (reading) this ask I was like ouuff 😮💨 that's heavy😅
Salam my dear, I appreciate you sending this ask, I see your courage and your will to get better and get a bit of control over your life, and that's only a sign of strength and bravery, I am proud of you 🤍
Now, I am not sure if I am gonna answer all your points or get carried away by my own thoughts but let me give it a try.
First of all, from personal experience (obviously all my answers will be based on that) I don't think anxiety is something we can totally heal from or get rid of, it is not a feature we can deactivate, and do not take this the wrong way, I will explain later, but with therapy we learn to cope with our anxiety, we learn to make peace with it, and live with it in the most cooperative non-impeding ways.
One of the most memorable sayings that my therapist told me so early on in my journey is that her and my anxiety are both trying to do the same thing: protect me, they are not working against each other, they would actually work together (if my anxiety wouldn't be so stubborn lol).
Anxiety is in simple terms or at a very primal level a reaction to a trigger, you brain detects something that it deems wrong or dangerous and it alerts your body - there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, as human beings we relied on that trigger-response for God knows how many thousands of years to survive and get to this point in history. But then anxiety is perceived as a problem once it becomes a disability, in the sense that it would prevent the person from going on about their day normally.
Now what happened is that I lived like 27 or 28 years of my life not even realizing I had anxiety. I would hear people talk about it all the time and it never clicked, for me not even once that hey that's what I have! Until my therapist said the word. And I was like " anxiety? Me? Noway! I am an extrovert, I have a lot of friends, I am not scared of crowds, I love trying new things and living new experiences blah blah blah" but I had no idea that I had actually been repressing it all in for all those years.
So after the acceptance, the second phase was that anxiety took over my life! I had become fully afraid of everything and I just retrieved to myself. Everything was emphasized. I sorta kinda cut off people and stopped going after things and experiences blah blah .. I remember telling my therapist, since the day I was faced with the diagnosis, seems like anxiety is all that I am! I want to get my old self back, I want to get my life back! Anxiety stole my life! It was painful, it was uncomfortable and it was also my excuse for everything..
But then, one of the biggest turning-points in my therapy journey was when I decided to love my anxiety, and understand it better, understand that it does not want to do me any harm but actually protect me, so I became more aware inward and outward, I became very attentive to the changes and the signs my body gives me, you can catch me whispering " what is it babygirl, what's wrong? " as soon as I feel that stomach ache, lol. I honestly do talk to it, I can proudly say I befriended it and that's how I managed to get on its good sign and take control of my life back.
Now I even anticipate it. I sorta know my triggers, so I can te that I will have an episode, I have learned a few techniques on how to calm myself down or distract my mind, sometimes when it is intense I would allow myself a day off or even an hour off just to myself to do something that brings me comfort, I journal a lot, I analyze my thoughts and whatnot.. and that's what therapy is good for, it equips you with tools to cope with the issue at hand. And yes, that's how it lessens in its intensity like you said. That's how you gain back control over your life. That's how you get closer to feeling and achieving peace, because listen boo, we are not looking for happiness, the goal is actually peace. Happiness is only a moment in time, it's fleeing, it's just an instant. Inner peace and mental peace is what lasts.
I can't tell you how much time it takes because every journey is personal and different, to each of us their path, and relapses do happen, setbacks do happen, after all we are only human, and especially for us girls, the hormonal imbalance is a nightmare and it does affect our psyche.. there is also life events always happening and affecting our mental health.. but the most important part is that you never stop, never give up, you keep walking your path of healing and you keep asking for help! I always say that the keys to having a good experience with therapy are the 3Ps: perseverance, patience and practice!
I have been in therapy for I think 3 years next month, and proudly I can say we don't have the scheduled regular sessions, I do not need them anymore, Alhamdullillah, now it is basically only in cases of emergency like if something really intense happens, other than that, Alhamdullillah I am capable of managing my anxiety attacks, which are neither that frequent not that intense anymore, Alhamdullillah.
P.s. I did not mention trauma because tbh with my therapist we haven't been working on that. And I am well-aware of how sensitive and different our traumatic experiences are, so I chose to sit this one out.
Anyways, I hope I managed to answer your questions or at least bring you some hope! And again, I am very proud of you, I know how gard and tricky it gets but I promise you it gets better, so keep going 🤍
13 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
supercultshow
super cult show super blog
nooralsibai
Noor Al-Sibai
allesvorher
İsimsiz
portalaea
Portal AeA