#cause like i get that but also i was really proud of myself because thats genuine progress for me but eh | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

squeaksinc · 5 months

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2023 creative year in review! 💦💦

The most stand-out thing to mention was this was arguably my most active and productive cosplay year...maybe ever? its incredibly uncommon that I can handmake 9 costumes in a year, but on top of that, 7 of the 9 were also custom designs, which is pretty wild.

costume-wise, i learned a stupid amount of skills and really pushed what i was comfortable with. IMO the best from the year are the collector, knives, pupet, and nekomancer at least just from a craftsmanship perspective. I try not to brag or be an ass, but I am genuinely very proud of those. they posed fun creative challenges that kept me engaged, and I'm happy with how they turned out!

the other side of the coin is although last year was my most dormant cosplay year, other crafts were super active....and the reverse happened this year _(:3」∠)_ i didnt really draw much at all other than making cosplay designs, and other physical media didnt get much time to shine either. I made some plushies, but they were lackluster, and I think I made maybe one unfinished figure lol. but I did try BJD making and loved it!! I made 4 this year and have plans to do more haha.

thats the upbeat overview, the readmore is going to be a more negative perspective so proceed with caution haha.

More than anything I wish i had more time to do art and build up Stitch in The Ditch/more OC work, but honestly this year was also objectively insane in the non-creative front. like i hit the worst patch of chronic pain i've ever had/found out my abdominals have been ripping themselves apart and bleeding for the past 10 years lol/had to go to the hospital like THREE!!!! goddamn times and now i'm dealing with the news i'm going to need abdominal surgery, got a teaching promotion/award, got my physics masters, utterly INSANE family happenings, had gastroparesis for 2 months and couldnt eat more than 200 cal a day in that time which caused all my blood levels to crash and i'm still reeling from it, and of course, have just been Cashually working goddamn 60-80 hours a week in an experimental physics lab in the background during all of this which is driving me to the point of madness- suffice to say i hit my limit like months ago lmao.

like looking back i know i should be happy and proud i did so much but i cant help but feel disappointed and wishing i had done better quality stuff. honestly, i know i goof about how hard work is, but its really really getting to me. i've always been happy with my ability to juggle so many things and preserve my ability to have a cool job, make cool things, and independently take care of myself, but work is month-by-month morphing into more of a monster thats just been suffocating everything else out. I really dont know what next year will look like, as i've been wearing thinner and thinner i'm noticing a trend where I just dont have the energy that I used to to do anything outside of my job.

I bring this up because on paper I should be happy with what I made, but I still feel like im in a stand-still. I made a lot of costumes, but tbh they were low quality/lackluster. like the number went up, but the quality didnt and I couldnt do much of any other art things. I couldve, and shoulve, been able to make much better work this year than I did, but it didnt happen as a combo of being snuffed out by my job physically and mentally.

in 2023 I got a head start/built up momentum from the beginning of the year that carried me through when things got insane in spring/summer/currently, but I'm already starting 2024 from a low point. yall. im so tired. im so goddamn tired. like its funny to goof about how much I do but its catching up fast and i think this is going to be the year when I just cant keep up anymore. Its hard to talk about since the "being crushed to death by your job" topic isnt one people want to engage with, and unless you're experiencing it first hand its hard to understand what living like that really means.

for 2024, i know theres no way I will be able to match this same number of costumes, but my goal is no matter what I want to start making things that are more solid on a construction level. fewer projects, more polish. also doing more non-cosplay stuff like world building and dolls would also be awesome. will that happen??? lord only knows. honestly usually these predictions/goals go haywire but this is also more of a response to external things outside of my control so ???? ??????? we'll see lads

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rat0 · 5 months

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a reflection on 2023 and trans shit!

its 30 minutes before the new year and ive just been kinda reminiscing about this year. it was hard and one of the biggest things i felt through this year was just wanting to be cis so badly. i have to at some point realize ill never be cis and thats ok.

but i also have to think about it a bit more deeply. do i want to be cis because i want to be born a cis man, or do i want to just be treated like a human and be allowed to be myself?

lets be real the reason a lot of us desire to be cis is not truly because of dysphoria dont get me wrong thats gonna be huge for some people but its from the mistreatment. if the world celebrated trans identity and allowed us to transition when we want to, and didnt want to deny us simple things like going to the bathroom, would we feel as bad?

i think about this a lot. if i was cis would it solve my problems? no. if i was cis there would be the rest of the trans community being discriminated against. what i really want is for us all to be accepted for who we are. we mainly just wanna be cis because the world is so cis that its not normal to people. we just wanna conform to be real

if i was cis it wouldnt solve the issues that all the other trans folk have to deal with. it would help me because being cis is the norm. but thats it. today, im feeling a little proud to be trans. if i wasnt trans i wouldnt care for this cause nearly as much and have met the people ive met. i think id rather keep those experiences than be cis and not have those experiences. theyre special.

i wanna leave this with a quote that really resonated with me this year

"Do you share the same sense of defeat?

Have you realized all the things you'll never be?

I've got no judgment for you

Come on and ache with me" - ache with me, white crosses, against me!

#trans #transmasc #transfem #nb #nonbinary #genderfluid #transgender #trans pride #against me!#laura jane grace #my last post of 2023 goodbye wtf!#its crazy goodbye 2023 shit year honestly it can die #the only good thing abt it was i got hrt lol

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sea-jello · 1 year

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every single little detail they managed to fit into bmc

yeah there are SO MANY details in this show and its driving me crazy so im gonna amass everything into posts

ik many of these are well known or obvious or whatever but im doing it so anyone who didnt know about any of these could easily learn it all in one go without having to scour the internet or rewind and watch the background in every single scene yk (also i noticed so many of these myself and im kinda proud and its a way for me to get it all out)

i’m also going to be using @/thesquirrelqueer's be more chill archive which is amazing and frankly scary so go give em some love

edit i changed my mind halfway through this cause thats gonna take me forever so if you want to see all the visual details go check that out. its like thats the artists reference and this is the writers reference i think all the little quirks showcase their personality quite well

im gonna start all the way from the beginning so FIRST UP is 2river's "More Than Survive" (album+show, specifically the one 35 minute 👢)

im telling you its LONG so prepare yourself for that. maybe pull up the video to watch side by side so yk what im talking about (the video on yt is "this isnt be more chill" because its NOT be more chill) tiny warning for very mild nsfw mentions cause its bmc

from the first "c-c-c-cmon" up to "and now of course its time to hit the road" theres a sound that sounds like a mouse clicking to the beat in the background. i thought this was to reflect the show when jeremy stops clicking at his laptop at the line "and now of course its time to hit the road" to gets up and put his pants on, but during "but that really isnt such a change/if im not feeling weird or super strange" you can still hear the clicks. maybe its there just for repetitions sake cause it breaks off at "which means ill be uncomfortable all day" and resumes for those two lines, then you dont hear it again. you can hear this one very clearly if you watched the show, but its a little fainter in the album (i figured it out from the album lmao go me)

during the bus scene in the show when everyones going to their places, jeremy almost crashes into rich and you can hear his voice hitch

christine watches this interaction before "sitting down" on the bus to read

i think brooke is asleep during the bus ride, and gets woken up when the bus jerks forward

jake nearly drops his phone too (again this is all based on the 35 minute video on yt. im sure small things change every show, but this is all we got so im picking this one apart)

jeremy keeps smoothing his hair behind his right ear with his palm, probably a nervous gesture. he does it when they "get off the bus"

during the ensembles (i dont think thats the right word but it just makes it easier for me you know who im talking about) "c-c-c-cmon", michael loses his signal on his phone when they get to school, hence the "cmon"

chloe impatiently gestures to brooke to "cmon" and follow her (yk)

jenna waves to christine. christine puts her book down and waves back, then again just watches jenna and then people

rich messes with jenna and she goes to hit him

after the "c-c-c-cmon"s rich jumps out from backstage and hits jeremy in the nuts you can hear jeremys faint noise of pain

in the little dance break jake and jenna are dancing on opposite sides of the stage, then wave at each other (im pretty sure). jeremy looks back and forth between them while they dance and mistakenly waves to jenna when they spin around (just watch it youll know what i mean)

when chloe, brooke and jenna are gossiping, up to jakes "its a good thing i rock at pool" the "rich set a fire" tune plays in the background (something something gossip rumors) chloe is holding a textbook with the earth on it, so science or something probably. there’s a magazine article page that says “what cheating does to [i can’t see what it says]”, which i’m assuming is a reference to jake?? she also have page cutouts of hair products, straighteners, etc, and i think a picture of either taylor swift or brooke i really can’t tell 💀💀when rich writes on jeremys backpack, he pulls him up by the collar to say "youre dead", then pushes him (jeremy pushes his hair back again) into mr reyes' path where hes walking to put up the play sign up sheet. (side note gerards voice cracked on 'dont touch me tall ass" so it sounds like hes having a tantrum and will connolly looks like a meerkat and i love them both)

when jake says "its a good thing i rock at pool" chloe and brooke hide behind a pillar and listen in, then chloe does a sort of "i told you so" gesture. during the whole "i navigate the dangerous hall" scene, brooke chases after chloe as she storms off upset. rich messes with jenna again and she chases him offstage, then mr reyes follows (im pretty sure he pinched her ass) i dunno if this is a coincidence but christine runs after them offstage too. christine and jenna friendship w

jeremy genuinely sounds so excited when he realized it was a sign up sheet and i wholeheartedly believe he wanted to join the play even before christine, she was just the final push

when the ensemble comes back out before the "christiiiiiiiiine" mr reyes comes out dragging rich by the ear while jenna smugly walks behind them (read back to him pinching her ass). rich flips him off after he lets go. jake walks past chloe without looking up from his phone and chloe does a 180 to chase after him. forgot to mention michael has his hood on and bops to his music in the background of all the ensemble scenes but yk its pretty well known

oh god class scene here we go. rich and jake make the 👌👈 sign at michael. rich very aggressively shoves his WHOLE HAND into the circle and opens his hand. jenna raises her hand and mr reyes brushes her off in favor of trying and failing to get jake to stop, so he moves on to rich. he puts a hand on richs arm and sorta makes the "wtf" gesture. rich makes the "sorry about that" motion with his hand still around his wrist which is kinda funny to me (just watch it i cant even describe it) jake turns to talk to brooke, who was previously talking to chloe. jenna waves to christine again. also christine seemed really shy every time jenna waves at her, and never waves first. idk if this is a coincidence but chloe flips her hair back and brooke mirrors it right after. there’s a poster for an anime club on the bulletin board with the sign up sheet

MICHAEL

jeremys fucking bops to his intro i love him

really quick when michael goes "and were almost at the end of this song" and does his dance jeremy bops along with him. NOW if we stretch a bit and say this actually happened then that means jeremy knew what song he was listening to/where hes at based on him dancing to it earlier they know each other so well they are best friends and possibly boyfriends in this essay i will

jeremy flops his head to the side on the beat and with michaels "how was class" slap hes so dramatic

i think i might be tripping but right after "i hate this school" and during the tore it up and flushed it thing michael in the bathroom plays very very faintly in the bg. IM NOT TRIPPING in the album mitb plays during the humanity stopped evolving thing up to "better time in history to be a loser". and THEN from "so own it" up to the christine jingle THE PANTS SONG PLAYS. you can just barely hear it in the boot too

during the first "canigula" michael waves in front of jeremys face and he kicks at him

before jeremys sign up verse michael takes his lunch tray and jerks his head towards the sheet in a "go on" motion and then ofc pushes him towards it HES SUPPORTIVE OF HIM HELLO this furthers my belief of jeremy being a secret theatre kid. jeremy looks back at him on "who cares if people think im lame" like hes reassuring himself can you hear my heart

when rich shouts "GAAAY" mr reyes points and goes after him

when they all come out to dance, jeremy first mistakenly waves to chloe when she waves at jenna, then rich when he goes to dap jake up, then tries to wave at michael but he spins away while presumably listening to his music. christine just watches chloe and brooke talk again

when they all start slowly standing up at the "go"s jeremy looks so confused

also when he jumps off the chair that is PEAK meerkat moment. then he lands and just stands there for like a solid 3 seconds its so funny to me

LORD almighty we're done that took weeks okay uhh please tell me if i should do EVERYTHING everything like broadway off broadway australia cause lord knows im the ceo of bmc australia rn also i dont want to sound pretentious but please reblog cause i spent so much time and effort on this useless fucking post 😭😭 but whatever i had fun

#WOW i am so normal about this fucking show #also a while ago i learned fucking joe iconis is in fact on tumblr so mr joe iconis if you see this hello you have a very nice musical #shoutout to thesquirrelqueer for giving me permission to use the archive even though i ended up not using it #like i said thats the artists reference and this is the writers reference #watching the background gives you a lot of insight into the characters #i tried to seperate them into sections i hope its not too hard to read #im heavy tagging this idc im not spending so long on this for it to flop #bmc #be more chill #be more chill musical #bmc two river #be more chill two rivers #jeremy heere #michael mell #rich goranski #brooke lohst #chloe valentine #jenna rolan #jake dillinger #christine canigula #bmc jeremy #jeremy bmc #michael bmc #bmc michael #rich bmc #bmc rich #bmc brooke #bmc chloe #bmc jenna #bmc jake

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l0viez · 1 year

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May I request a reader who feels like they're falling behind in life? I feel this profound sadness when I realize others are further along where I want to be.

I'd like Kaeya for this one (And Zhongli if you have time).

Really sorry that im late for this! i had a busy scheduleT.T!, also sorry in advance if some of my writings is abit.. confusing? or not rlly that understandable! im still a newbie at these! This was in a rush so if i have some extra time ill rewrite and make it more better^^

This can be seen as romantic or platonic!💟

🗡️Kaeya! ;

Kaeya's first and honest reaction was .. kind of mixed

He felt abit little bitsy upset for the person you always look at and compare yourself too

He felt alot of concerned and sadness , concerned because of the fact you would stop talking or just go to your own world whenever you see them

He was very saddened over the fact you look and felt miserable just because of it

the first time he knew about your situation and what you were feeling these days

He felt guilty and mad at himself because he didn't get to manage to see it more earlier

Kaeya WILL visit you daily with flowers!

Theres are no ifs or buts

you will see him at the front door waiting for you

it will become a daily thing until you finally feel better again

(unless you want him to visit u everyday🤭! just request him xox)

Kaeya will be inviting you to tavern to make you feel calm down and to distract you from you feeling upset

knowing kaeya he will still tease you but he will lower it down too make sure it doesnt say anything to tigger you

he isnt a afraid to make himself look like a fool just to distract you and make you laugh

he will even skip some of works to hang out with you to distract you from all those stress or

a little headcannon : since he got em 💵💵💸 whatever your hobbies are he will buy you the items needed for your hobbies!

Cooking? you have a whole kitchen for yourself to make foods and make your own recipes!

Singing? He will rent out a whole year room just for you to sing, it has a mic and everything

Drawing? .. yeah he would probably ask albedo for some tips on what to buy good materials LMAO

Kaeya is the type of person who would distract, make you forget about your worries, spoils you rotten, be more 10x clingy, make you laugh during your bad times❤️

Kaeya is super supportive of you and respects your decisions but sometimes he worries to much for you thats why he's always looking out for you!

He will even take you to some sceneries or areas that you havent went before and explore abit !

he just wants to express his love to you and to tell you everyday that your more than good enough and that what ever you have or got is something to cherish for and that one day you will be like someone you idolize!

he will wait for you to succeed to the things you want to be in life, he will be there at your comfort <33

he's honestly so proud of you like he would be like "yess💅🏻thats my boyyy/girll!" (hes a silly lil goofy man dont mind him) if you ever surpassed or succeed on the things you want to be or you want to succeed in

(he would even throw a celebration on it too😭‼️)

He's that hype man you didn't ask for but still (thankfully) got/jk

(he gives me that "its us againist life"/jk im unfunny like cyno im sorry)

" Oh (n/n), took you long enough, almost thought Id have to spend this night by myself.. drinking (your favorite drink) by my self... Ow! that was a hard one — hey hey! I was just kidding you didn't have to hit me that hard haha.. here come sit with me! .. what's that? you still have work to do? heh. Your staying here with ME tonight. Relaxing! The night is young, how about you relax abit? Don't worry I'll help you with your problem tomorrow! Would it really kill you if you don't work for one day? "

His first reaction was most likey confused..

Dont blame the poor old man he is still learning

Ofc he would be also half upset bout it too

Cause like.. what his DEAR IS UPSET? HE is UPSET as well😤‼️

Zhongli would be so confused because like he will catch you looking down or feeling down

he would ask you if you were alright and you would tell him you were okay

but more days went by he FINALLY gets the clue

He brought you both to a fancy expensive looking restaurant (ofc childe payed for it)

When both of you got comfortable now

He legit straightward asked on what was goin on with you for the past few days

he would give you the most OBVIOUS things and asks you the most OBVIOUS things as well (his trying his best😭💔)

(but then again, I feel like he will get it already but he will act like he wouldn't just cause "communication is the key" and he didn't want to be rude and assume on what was going on so he has to make sure of it"!)

When you confessed on what was going on and how you felt down because of it

he will also visit you everyday like kaeya's! but no flowers.. well probably a pretty rock but who knows

he will use his wallet/childe to get you both in some fancy resturants whenever you both have spare times!

Zhongli would be like your spotify premium but instead of music he is like a radio.

He will tell you stories non stop to "distract" you from feeling upset

good thing his voice is calming

so while your doing your thing he would be talking in the background

Zhongli will probably even give you his specialty dish just for u<3

zhongli will be the type of person who likes to think that making things from your heart or homemade is more special that buying

(he just dont wanna admit he has no cash to buy you gifts/jk)

just like kaeya he would maybe take a day off to spend time with you

Instead of buying you newest items you wished you had, he will give you some items they used before when he was still a archon younger!

Unlike kaeya who likes to distract you and make your worries clear off ur mind, Zhongli will instead give you some "wise" advices on what you want to get good at and be more more supportive of your decisions!<3

He understands that there's a huge difference between a human and an archon but that won't stop him from giving all his best to help you get what you think its missing from you‼️

He's that "proud father" or "proud old grandpa"

He's more layback and chill than kaeya, like he will also tell you to relax and to not overwork yourself as well

If you manage to overcome or succeed or surpassed the people that you used to look at with sadness

Zhongli will most likey to celebrate that and even invite some people from liyue!

He will even take you on a peacefully calming date while you tell him about what happened

Zhongli is willing to listen to you 24/7

he will probably request you to do your hobbies or the things you love infront of him

and he will even act dense about it (sly mf)

" Greetings (Y/n) , I have some plans for us to visit somewhere special. Ah ah. *holds your hand* don't even think about going back and overworking youself now. You don't have to rush yourself always you know? Im worried about you, you might even get a fever from thinking too much.If you ever need someone to comfort you I'll be there at your call now.. I ordered us some relaxing tea at Yanshang Teahouse, let us go and grab it shall we?

This is just a little bonus message, if you ever feel sad about people who are futher along where you want to be in. Remeber to not pressure yourself to becoming a "improved" you. to not overwork youself for it. Don't be hard on your self because sooner or later you will be on the top or be the version you wanted to be. Dont rush and try to have fun along the way and to stay safe always<3.!

#genshin impact #genshin #kaeya alberich #zhongli #genshin impact x reader planotic #genshin impact x reader #fluff?#comfort #crack #not the drugs tho-#kaeya genshin #kaeya x reader #zhongli genshin impact #rex lapis #old man #zhongli x reader #genshin x reader #liyuegenshin #mondstadt

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quodekash · 1 year

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good morning, friends! im exhausted and only got like four hours of sleep, but at least im (kind of) mentally prepared to revisit the episode, so (you probably know the drill by now), here’s all my commentary and thoughts and stuff from the episode!

i feel like its important for everyone to know that i made myself an ice tea at 11:30pm because i knew i wouldnt be able to survive the episode alone

(and dont suggest that the ice tea is the cause of the lack of sleep, if anything it’s the only reason i got to sleep)

i was very nervous in the beginning cos i was pretty sure photjanee wouldnt be homophobic but also what if she is

props to her for not asking tinn cos he was visibly nervous/afraid

and gun told gim and she didnt even say anything at first. she just looked so freaking proud, then hugged him and said “whoever you love, i love” and i love her so much she’s a freaking perfect mother

PHOTJANEE’S NEURODIVERGENT AND AWESOME HUSBAND who is still nameless IS SITTING NEXT TO HER SO HE’S GONNA SAY SOME HELPFUL AND SUPPORTIVE WORDS

“were you afraid to hear the answer” im sensing a recurring themeeee (if youve forgotten and somehow havent rewatched the show over and over again, in episode 6 gun kept saying he was afraid to hear the answer of who tinn liked)

“i think if he’s ready, he’ll tell you himself. give it time. time for tinn and yourself.” I LOVE THIS MAN

also side note: she’s really pretty

i smell a sponsorship

a canon printer sponsorship

theyre so subtle with their sponsorships

“by the way, this printer is so convenient, it can be used with any operating system, right?” NICE ONE GEM, REAL SUBTLE, NO ONE WILL KNOW

TIWPOR TINNGUN DOUBLE DATE STUDY DATE ONCE AGAIN

AND SOUNDWIN BEHIND THEM (and also yo and pat i guess)

tinngun are always reminiscent of patpran, but so much throughout this episode it literally felt like i was watching bad buddy

GUN FINALLY KNOWS THAT TIW KNOWS AND GUN IS LIKE ‘wait did you tell him’ AND TIW JUST GOES

“do you think this nerd would succeed in getting your love without my help”

AND HE’S SO ICONIC AND HE’S SO RIGHT AND I LOVE HIM SO MUCH OH MY GOSH

also rip four and tinn’s homosecuality, they have to pretend to date for this music video

also also WE GET TO SEE FOUR AND HER GIRLFRIEND AGAIN OMG I LOVE THEM

THEY MAKE ME SO HAPPY

LOOK AT THEM AND THEIR IN-LOVE-NESS

cant wait for the homophobia this episode /sarc

“we just have to wait until the dinosaurs are extinct and humans rule the world” TIW LITERALLY JUST SAID WE HAVE TO WAIT FOR ALL THE BOOMERS TO DIE OUT AND THEN GAYS CAN RULE THE WORLD THIS IS FREAKING HILARIOUS

I CANT EXPLAIN IT, THEIR FACES ARE SO REMINISCENT OF PATPRAN AND MORE SO THAN USUAL

does- does this count as a first kiss

that was so sudden

help???

theyre so cute tho i love them

PROM DAY (looking back, how does so much happen in this one day)

✨gotta love being outed✨

GUN JUST TOLD THE BROSKIS

and por is, naturally, very excited

but also somehow very oblivious

i had a feeling yo knew already

apparently sound told win ages ago (when? idk man)

pat having a suspicion about it is actually very surprising

“you and you, what’s going on? you’ve been weird”

FINALLY THE SCENE OF THEM HOLDING HANDS AND SHOWING THE GUYS IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS FOR WAY TOO FREAKING LONG

AND THEY BOTH LOOK SO FREAKING HAPPY

IM DYING

i need to ingrain every soundwin scene from this episode into my brain cos there’s so much of it and i want to see it all forever please

tis raining and theyre under an umbrella and soundwin did it first

okay so. it sucks that they were outed. and people shouldnt take photos of other people and then post it on social media because they can, cos thats an invasion of privacy and is not cool.

on the other hand, everyone seems thrilled by it and tinngun aren’t hurt by it happening so i guess its okay

in general tho people should not do this cos it could go very badly

but this is a bl drama not real life so its fine

I SPY WITH MY LITTLE EYE A NEUROSPICY GUY

they did the happy arms

and theyre sitting cross-legged on top of a table

i love you random side character

PAT AND POR BEING ALL HAPPY AND EXCITED IS HILARIOUS I LOVE THEM

“no one cares about people’s sexual orientation these days. its a new world. right, pumpkin??” GUI4HERIH4IIGU (note to past me: it gets worse. you’re gonna progressively die even more)

EW PEOPLE ARE MESSAGING PHOTJANEE SAYING TINN’S GONNA RUIN THE SCHOOL’S REPUTATION AND STUFF

...what series was it

did- did you watch bad buddy, photjanee

did tinn’s parents watch bad buddy

ive decided they watched bad buddy until proven otherwise

‘its down to us whether we’re as kind to our son as those in the series’ THIS MAN HAS THE WISEST KINDEST WORDS AND I WANT TO GIVE HIM A BIG HUG

tiw and tinn are actually really sad about kajorn leaving the student council which is slightly confusing (not cos i hate him, im finding it increasingly difficult to hate him, i just didn’t think tiw and tinn actually liked kajorn)

‘people are arguing whether it’s guntinn or tinngun’

...

im gonna say it

i have to say it

you cant stop me from saying it

soundwin did it first

(technically it was satangwinny vs winnysatang but thats not the point)

there i said it

hah

babes she’s known for months

(but yes absolutely if you’re comfortable telling her and you think you should, go right ahead :] )

i hate this teacher

i would like to punch him please

luckily i know, thanks to the preview last episode, that he does, in fact, get punched, so it’s all good

KAJORN IS IN THE ROOM WHILE GUN IS DISTRESSED

I REPEAT, JORN IS THERE

yay tinn is there with gun while he cries

thank you tinn for existing

GO AWAY TEACHER

DON’T ENTER THE ROOM

"im sorry, i was just joking around with my friend, i didnt mean to insult you" yeah, okay, well thats only part of the problem. other problems are: a. the fact that you had to say such a horrible thing in order to joke around with your friend. if that's the kind of humour your friend has, that person should not be your friend, unless it's also your humour, in whcih case, that isnt a sincere apology. b. it's not just that you insulted gun. you also insulted an entire community of people, of students, of human beings, who just want to exist and live as people doing what they want to do. you cant say something homophobic and then only apologise because it hurt one person close to you. you say something homophobic, and then you apologise - in a way that you GENUINELY MEAN - and say you had no intention of hurting so many people, including gun. or, alternatively, dont say the homophobic thing in the first place. c) you’re a freaking TEACHER. a TEACHER is there to SUPPORT and CARE for ALL of their students. a TEACHER should not be saying terrible things where ANYONE could overhear. if a TEACHER cannot be supportive for ALL STUDENTS, then they should not be a teacher. (im a huge defender of teachers cos theyre human beings with lives and families and hobbies and theyre more than just the adult human that tells you 2 plus 2 is 4. but i am also a huge defender of students cos theyre human beings and also children and theyre still developing. and i am especially a defender of students and an offender of teachers when the teacher clearly hates children or isnt a good teacher or should not at all be a teacher. so this isnt me hating all teachers, i love teachers, i could talk about how unappreciated they are for hours. but i cannot stand it when a teacher behaves the way this teacher did. i hate it so freaking much.)

THE TEACHER WAS “SHOCKED” COS GUN IS A “ROCKSTAR” SO THE TEACHER “THOUGHT YOU WERE MANLY”

THATS NOT AN EXPLANATION NOR IS THAT AN APOLOGY

GENDER AND SEXUAL IDENTITY ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FREAKING THINGS

AND EVEN THEN, GENDER AND GENDER EXPRESSION ARE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FREAKING THINGS

LIKING MEN DOESNT MAKE SOMEONE ANY LESS ‘MANLY’ SO STFU AND GET FIRED ALREADY

FREAKING YES

GOOD

HELL YES

KAJORN PUNCHED THE TEACHER BEFORE TINN COULD

THIS IS EVERYTHING I COULDVE ASKED FOR OR NEEDED

I LOVE IT SO MUCH

I LOVE KAJORN SO MUCH

IM FINALLY ALLOWED TO NOT HATE HIM AND IM VERY GLAD ABOUT IT

DAMN SOUND

I MEAN I AGREE BUT WOW I WASNT EXPECTING THAT

‘i HoPe YoU giVe A fAiR jUdGeMeNt oN tHiS cAsE’ bro its not court

and absolutely she’ll give fair judgement

shes freaking awesome and i love her

also what does probation mean

“don’t use violence to solve problems. do you understand?” okay, yes, im 100% on board with you, i completely agree, but, hear me out here: homophobia.

I LOVE PHOTJANEE SO MUCH

COLD AS ICE SHE GOES “if you’re not satisfied with my judgement, write a complaint. but dont forget to add every detail truthfully”

SHE’S SO ICONIC

TRULY A SLAY

“LET GO OF MY SON. as principal, all i can do is submit a report regarding your behavior to those in authority. but as a mom, MY SON CAN LIKE WHOEVER HE LIKES. STAY OUT OF IT. if i hear anything filthy from you again, your penalty will go far beyond this” I FELT HER ANGER

I LOVE HER WITH ALL MY SOUL

SHES FREAKING AWESOME

and kajorn looks so happy and content

i love him

PROM TIME AND THE STIMS ARE STIMMING REAL HARD RN

WHY AM I CRYING WHILE LISTENING TO YOU’VE GOT MA BACK? THIS ISN’T A SAD SONG

C O M E C L O S E R

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH POR

OOOOO NEW SONG

SOUNDWIN CHEEK KISS

IM LITERALLY CRYING THEYRE SO CUTE

(note to past me: it’s gonna get worse)

aww gun’s in the audience singing directly to tinn this is so cute

GRBRHKBGRIUBJROBUR

I WOULDVE BEEN CONTENT WITH JUST SOUND KISSING WIN BUT IM NOT COMPLAINING

I AM THE OPPOSITE OF COMPLAINING

GIREBVIRUB

TINN AND GUN ARE GOING ON THE STAGE TOGETHER HAND IN HAND

HOW IS THIS SO FREAKING PERFECT

AND SOUND’S GOT A GUITAR SOLO COS HE’S AWESOME LIKE THAT

HAPPINESS

BIG HAPPIES

MUCH OF THE VERY HAPPINESS

their hugs always look so comfy

someone in the audience asked if theyre real and gun said nothing but hashtag #MySchoolPresident and it’s still so funny to me

its like theyre telling us the watchers

like USE TEH HASHTAG, PLEASE

and we’re like WEVE ALREADY BEEN DOING THAT, CALM DOWN

ew old teachers

shut up with your judgy faces

no one cares

YAY FOR YOUNG PROGRESSIVE TEACHERS WHO DONT CARE WHAT THE BOOMERS THINK

cos, as tiw said, the boomers will die out soon and then gays can rule the world

can the episode just end here

i dont want to go through the emotional turmoil of whats coming

cos i know its coming

there’s gonna be a graduation scene

and im very scared

my mentally ill butt can never be okay for graduation scenes

and yet my mentally ill butt keeps consuming media set in the senior year of high school

DAMN THIS ENDING IS GONNA BE LONG

31:48 MINUTES

STRAP IN YOUR SEATBELTS COS WE’RE GONNA BE IN FOR ONE EMOTIONAL ROLLERCOASTER

WAIT NO LET THERE BE MORE

JUST ONE MORE

OR TWO

OR AN ENDLESS AMOUNT

DON’T LET IT BE OVER

PLEASE

“its the last day of our high school lives.” ACK SHOOT FREAK FRENCH GUSTAV AND SHOELACES AND TURTLES AND FREAKING SHOOT NOODLES WHAT THE FLIP

AH SHOOT I FORGOT ABOUT KAJORN BEING A YEAR YOUNGER THAN THEM

HE HAS TO CARRY ON THEIR LEGACY WITHOUT THEM

HES FREAKING ALONE

IDEK IF HE HAS ANY FRIENDS

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

ooo we’re gonna get another pool scene soon

NO STOP IT WITH THE SIGNED SHIRTS I CANT TAKE IT

‘no one ever asks if i can sign their shirts :[’ ‘sign my shirt’

‘ILL WRITE DOWN WHAT I FEEL THAT IM TOO AFRAID TO SAY’ I FREAKING LOVE THEM

WAIT

SHOOT

I KNOW I ASKED FOR IT BUT I DIDNT EXPECT THEM TO ACTUALLY DO IT

IM IN SHOCK

LITERALLY CRYING

WHAT THE FLIP

HOLY FREAK

NO WAY

THIS IS THE END

THAT’S IT

IM DEAD

GONE

DECEASED

THEY FREAKING KISSED

RIGHT THEN AND THERE

PROPERLY KISSING

BEFORE TINNGUN

WHAT

IS THIS ACTUALLY HAPPENING

OW I PINCHED MYSELF

I LITERALLY CANT BELIEVE IT

“i wont let you kiss first you barstool” HOW ARE THEY SO- GJRBGIKRB

BUT ONCE ISNT ENOUGH

OH NO, THEY HAVE TO KISS AGAIN

JUST TO MAKE SURE IM DEAD

THEY ALREADY STABBED ME A COUPLE TIMES

THEN THEY KISSED AND THEY SLICED ME IN HALF WITH A REALLY COOL SWORD

AND NOW THEYRE SLICING MY HEAD OFF JUST TO MAKE SURE IM DEAD

‘STOP TRYING TO LOOK HANDSOME IDIOT BECAUSE ITS MAKING MY HEART SO WEAK’ I CANT WITH THESE TWO

I LITERALLY CANT EVEN PROCESS THAT THAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED

SURELY IM DREAMING RIGHT NOW

THERES NO WAY THEY ACTUALLY FREAKING KISSED

AND TIWPOR RIGHT AFTER??? IT’S TOO MUCH POWER

AWWWWWW NOOK AND YOOOO

BUT POOR PAT IS COMPLETELY LONELY

PLS LET PAT NOT BE LONELY FOREVER

THEY BETTER GIVE PAT SOME HAPPINESS

NO?? THEYRE JUST GONNA CHANGE THE SCENE LIKE THAT??? OKAY THEN????????

no but why wasnt tiwporpat an option

they couldve gone down the polyamory route

as much as i love poking fun at pat being lonely, i want him to be happy, and tiwporpat makes sense

(i must also say that patjorn also makes sense and i wouldnt have been mad if they went down the tiwporpat route or the patjorn route. theyre both amazing. but no, they went with pat is lonely forever and its really freaking sad. thanks guys.)

OH TINNGUN POOL SCENE

POOL SCENE NUMBER... IDEK AT THIS POINT

they should kiss btw

GUN WROTE #MYSCHOOLPRESIDENT ON TINN’S SHIRT AND TINN WROTE ‘APPROVED BY THE SCHOOL PRESIDENT’ ON GUN’S SHIRT AND ITS SO FREAKING PERFECT

IT COMES FULL CIRCLE SO BEAUTIFULLY

THEY LITERALLY COULDNT HAVE WRITTEN ANYTHING GREATER

I FREAKING LOVE THIS SHOW

tinngun still have not kissed

NO PLS I CANT TAKE IT WITH THE HEARTFELT SPEECHES

HOW DO YOU CRY SILENTLY

NO THEYRE PLAYING ONE LAST SONG TOGETHER

STUFF YOU

I LITERALLY DONT KNOW IF IVE EVER CRIED HARDER THAN I DID WHILE WATCHING THAT FREAKING FINAL SONG

tinn’s father is so neurodivergent i love him

OMG GUN IS ACTUALLY SITTING AT THEIR TABLE AND HAVING A MEAL WITH THEM

IT’S NOT IMAGINARY GUN

IT’S REAL GUN

THIS IS CRAZY

PFFFFFFT TINN’S DAD HELPED HIM WRITE THE SONG FOR GUN

THAT’S FREAKING HILARIOUS

OH MY GOSH THEYRE ABOUT TO KISS-

darn you gun and your bloody hand in the way

too many times

this has happened far too many times

just kiss

please

YES

GOOD

EXCELLENT

but also soundwin did it first

ANYWAY THAT WAS PERFECT

OH MY GOSH

IM NOT OKAY

(the funniest thing about me constantly saying ‘im dying’ or ‘im dead’ is that my fitbit hasnt been able to pick up on my heartrate for literally hours. like, since i started watching the episode. it just stopped working. and if your heart isnt beating, you’re quite literally dead.)

final thoughts / main takeaways from that episode (and therefore the whole show)

tinngun are very cute

tinngun are patpran variants (we already knew this but still)

tiwpor havent been dating the whole time but there was definite crushing for a very long time

pat is sad and lonely and pls let there be tiwporpat or patjorn at some point in the future

we need a sequel please and thank you

soundwin are freaking perfect

this show is perfection

im mentally ill

that teacher sucks

tinn’s dad is neurodivergent and i love him

photjanee is amazing and awesome and i love her

gim is the greatest mother and i love her

i love all of these characters way too much and, last but not least,

soundwin did it first.

54 notes · View notes

pigeonwit · 6 months

Text

thoughts on billie the kid: act 1

this is by no means a synopsis or a review, just my thoughts and things i wanted to share while i was watching. it will cover a lot of the plot though, so spoiler warning!!

the whole cast was on stage for gez and conway’s pre-show speech and when they were done they all filed off for olivia to take centre stage, all giving her little shoulder pats – and then jodie steele fully slapped her ass with her binder.

‘poor white trash girl’ the ballad of my fellow working class bitches who were always just normal enough to be tolerated as long as we didn't complain too much.

right off the bat we see billie is popular, but… no she's not. her friends clearly love her - they seem to get along and kelly, her best friend and school valedictorian, is very humble and proud towards billie upon finding out she's shooting for a scholarship at a community college despite kelly herself having been early accepted to duke. she even shuts down another of their friends, candy, when she tries to make a subtle dig at billie’s first choice being a community college. but that’s just it. billie IS different to these wealthy ivy league girls, from her hand-me-down jacket to working nights at a truck stop to keep the lights on. they get to giggle at her adorable dreams of going to a community college. they get to smile approvingly at how hard shes trying. they get to say ‘did you tell them about your moms… SITUATION?’ as if the only reason billie could get a scholarship is because shes a sob story. and kelly stops this - when she sees billie as an ally. when she doesnt, shit hits the fan. but thats getting ahead of myself.

brodie is a genuinely kind and doting boyfriend, and im really glad they went that route with him. there are so many characters where it would have been easy to follow the tropes, from brodie to billie's mother to mrs banks. but brodie is such a sweet guy - he takes care of billie, keeps her books and ‘emergency yoghurts’ (i think i heard that right?) in his locker, he makes up silly cheer routines to make her laugh. im glad they made brodie this kindhearted, softspoken boy whose only crime is being FRIGHTENED. and also betraying billies trust but we’ll get to that.

in all the plans billie and brodie make together, its clear brodie’s taking a backseat. billie makes the plans. billie's getting them both out of here. brodie’s just along for the ride. now you can absolutely read this as billie being taken advantage of, because with how scared brodie is, i do see that as part of it - but i think it also goes to show how stifling your own queerness creates a lack of awareness as to who you are and what you want from your future.

when billie finds out about the sexting, shes obviously horrified and devastated. brodies her one support in such a chaotic life, and we’ve seen firsthand how much he loves her. we also see firsthand how much billie trusts kelly, to share her deepest embarrassment with her and trust she wouldn't tell anyone. something i like that they added is that when billie goes to confront brodie, she isnt an automatic feminist girlboss about it. she is genuinely conflicted about what brodie did to her because she loves him so much and loves that he loves her. she even begins to believe she’d be ok with the cheating as long as brodie still loved her, which is what causes her to seek out his sidepiece so that she can try and force ‘her’ into leaving brodie alone. i like that billie is flawed here, i like that she'd actually go through with this humiliation if it meant she could just have someone support her - it really hammers home how desperate she is for some stability in her life and how much disrespect she’d put up with just for someone to show up for her, which i think you can also see in the way her friends treat her.

something interesting in the show is that while i thought brodie and david KNEW they were texting each other, they actually have a rule of ‘no names, no faces’ set by brodie. i dont know how he found davids number, but david does mention at one point "these footballers, they always do this. make a new account just to mess with me." so like. were they legit on grindr? guys… still, them not knowing who the other is makes me really curious about their relationship and what they shared. david calls him ‘football star’ so he must know brodie plays - i wonder what else they shared with each other beyond just dirty messages?

(also, david canonically cant spell for shit - as billie reads their messages she exclaims “oh, come on, brodie, you couldn't’ve cheated on me with someone who can READ?”)

the acoustic version of ‘confederate fag’ really gave me the wrong idea of the song - which is of course the point, to recontextualize the material - but oh my god hearing it the way its meant to be heard?? i’m stunned. the story is that davids been out of school for a week because he tried to commit suicide. well, now hes decided not to let anyone's words get to him ever again, so hes hyping himself up to go back to school (‘been in bed for six days, and on the seventh, i rested’ is a line thats been driving me crazy… yep thats an accurate depiction of my mental state!!). the title comes from the fact that he tore down the confederate flag their school hung from their flagpole to commemorate the ‘honorable soldiers who died defending their rights’ and graffitied it.

“okay, david. first day back, and we are serving reclaimed slurs, reclaimed hatred, and, uh… (leans forward to awkwardly spit on the flag, obviously grossed out but looking quite pleased after he does so) pride.”

confederate fag is such a hyped-up, blood pumping, fist clenching, kick your ass song that fills me with so much determination - fuck yeah!! hes not gonna back down!! hes not gonna lose to some dumb fucking bigots!! hes better than them!! and hes not going to let them kill him before he gets the life he deserves!!

“yeah, you can try and kill me [flips off kelly and candy] OHHH but i got there FIRST!!! 😜😜😜 HAHA!!!” i mentioned this before but YES BITCH RECLAIM THAT TRAUMA, THEY TRIED TO KILL YOU BUT THEY COULDNT, IT WAS ALL FUCKING YOU AND THEY DONT GET TO TAKE CREDIT FOR IT!!!

as he sings, the cast freezes around him as he manipulates them, flipping off kelly and candy, tearing pages from teachers clipboards, and drawing lipstick over a jocks face. he also runs upstage to sing into the stand-mic and as he sings the final chorus the cast do these limp puppet motions of saluting and pumping their fists. really shows that david's hopes for a better future are flimsy, half formed and not all the way real, but visible enough for him to keep on hoping.

so peaches mouse and david (when he wasnt in the hospital) all sold drugs together. they seem like a gang, but they really make it clear that theyre a family - the drugs are just to keep them all afloat as they try to skip town. but peaches, my QUEEN peaches, is the one who bites the bullet and says ‘enough is enough, david is not safe here and we are leaving NOW’. she sells the last of their amount for 3k and decides shes getting her family out of winchester creek forever. and while i do love peaches so much, a lot of her character revolves around this, a very fierce older sister need to protect everyone and fix all their problems singlehandedly. and god i wish she’d just get a break from it man. or at least be allowed to express some frustration with that at all. but she seems to really take pride in protecting her family, so i wont overstay my welcome on that topic.

this protectiveness manifests in her literally sabotaging herself to protect her family. when mouse is harassed by candy at school, who frequently misgenders and deadnames them as she tries to buy vicodin off of them, peaches scares her away even after she tries offering them more money and winds up losing a customer. i truly do love that scene so much. get her peaches!! she deserves NOTHING.

“peaches” is a flawless song, you've all heard it by now. hannah victorias singing is unreal and she is truly the glue of the show. more peaches appreciation!! this lesbian gave us EVERYTHING!!

during the lyrics “show her some love!” mouse dances around peaches making heart-hands and gesturing for the audience to hype her up. yes!! appreciate her yall!!

when david shows up at school hes immediately cornered by candy and mary-beth (the religious nut played by yuki sutton, whose comedic timing and delivery is flawless and who deserves the world itself). the scene is skin-crawlingly uncomfortable in the best of ways.

“we had to have two whole classes for suicide awareness for you, david!” “… we’re very aware now!”

“now i know why you did what you did, david, you dont have to say it… it was SATAN! and i just can’t believe that after all he did to you, youre… still… dressing like that?” “of course he is, mary-beth, hes still a homo! aren't you, david :)” “STILL?! you mean after all that time in the hospital they still didnt fix you?! david you should get your money back…” (sidebar - ryan kopels stonefaced reactions to this were just so fucking funny.) he tries to sneer her off, but she grabs him. “no, i mean it, david. you're sick.”

the show really knew how to use mary-beth as a character, and yuki sutton REALLY knew how to play her. she provides some much needed levity with all her bible-thumping insanity and her sheer dedication to the hysteria (“AND GOD SAID THOU SHALT NOT LIE ABOUT GUN CONTROL!!!!!!” “its not his fault, he werent raised right! hes never even been to SEAWORLD!!!”) made the entire theatre fucking WHEEZE. but man when she says “you’re sick”, those two simple words, it just… UGH. its chilling. just how much she CARES when she says it. its brilliant and its awful and i love it. GENIUS.

also david gets to get in candys face and yell BITE ME at her which was therapeutic for me.

i find it so heartbreakingly sweet that peaches is confused as to why david is late because “you were supposed to come in with mouse!”. do they all travel in packs to keep each other safe. “no one walks alone” type deal. cause thats… so beautiful and so sad.

“how are you feeling, david…?” “... better now im with my family.” and he RUNS to hug peaches and mouse… oh it HURTS and i love it. ugh and theyre all so excited to leave… mouse gets so excited at the prospect of becoming a hot LA surfer dude :’) you deserve it babyyyy

so funny that billie just GRABS david to come talk to her. No conversation, they barely know each other, she just grabs him and says ‘i need to talk to you’ without stopping as she walks.

peaches: david, you gonna be okay…?

david, looking billie up and down: yeah, i think i can take her.

when billie drags david away to talk to him mouse gets so defensive and like. they're right to be, kelly and her friends have consistently been assholes to them, but also its so funny to see mouse’s little self trying to square up on their tiptoes to say ‘watch yourself, CHEERLEADER’ like peaches come get your chihuahua.

it is… so disheartening seeing david’s face drop upon seeing brodie’s phone. football star was important enough for david to text him on the day he was supposed to go back to school after everything and he wholeheartedly believes it was all a joke just to mess with him.

“so brodie’s… not gay?” “him? no. he’s just an asshole.” “... oh, thank GOD!!”

i love that the show does take its time establishing that even though billie's more self aware than her friends, she's not immune to the rhetoric of her small town. she's against gun control at first and fully carries a pistol with her. when david mocks her for being relieved brodie isn't gay, she says “oh no, being gay’s fine for you! but for brodie, it'd just be freaky”. she GENUINELY thinks that none of her friends would turn on brodie for being gay because ‘people love him!’. and its so… SO heartwrenching to see the way david glares at the floor as she says that. ‘people love him!’ … and didnt anyone love david?

david: stick by your boyfriend. if he really is gay, he's gonna need all the help he can get. and besides [spoken with the bitchiest tone, the haughtiest head-tilt, and a cunt matched only by god herself] he ain’t my type 🙄

[and then he lifts his heels and swivels his ankles in a little twirl as he goes to walk offstage… bbygirl i want to STUDY you…]

“david reckons you said all that to mess with him. but i said no, not my brodie. so which is it? are you a bully… or are you just… 🥺 GAY 🥺???” ugh billie my wet puppy of a girl i LOVE you

“cowboy cheerleader” my beloved. brodie has spent so long living in the background because he’s been too terrified to be himself. But he really did want what’s best for billie. He really does love her.

you really do get the sense that billie and her mother are two people who love each other and so desperately want something from the other that the other is just not able to give due to their situation. betty is fighting her addiction – sidebar, oh my god this show does such a good job at showing that addiction is not a character flaw, oh my god – and doesn’t want to lose billie to college, but she has not given billie much reason to have faith in her. she’s still in contact with her dealers, she doesn’t seem to care about billie’s hopes of a scholarship, and so billie is so used to her mother letting her down that she (justifiably) assumes the worst in her, something that could be solved so easily if her mother just SHOWED UP – but how can she when she thinks billie wants to so badly to be rid of her? Whenever they speak to each other you really get the idea that they both care about each other and are trying so hard to show it but they just can’t meet in a way that makes sense to the other. billie always assumes the worst in her mother (again, justifiably so) and her saying “brodie was always too good to be true” so easily becomes “so what, he’s too good for me?”. but man they are both trying so hard to reach one another… and they get there, eventually.

also betty immediately being supportive of her brodie-bear… outcasts unite baby. she knew what was coming and she wanted him to know he was safe with her.

the show does a great job of showing that billie is well within her right to be upset at brodie for lying to her and cheating on her, but she also understands that brodie needs the support he always gave her, so even though there is an obvious shift in their relationship (her being uncomfortable being touched by him and making the same jokes they used to make) she still decides to be there for him and make sure david, peaches and mouse won’t tell anyone what they know.

and on that topic, it’s interesting that upon finding out the other now knows who they've been texting, both brodie and david assume the other is going to throw them under the bus. david panics that this is another football team prank and kelly’s already going to gossip about it - and brodie panics that david’s definitely told peaches, who’s for sure going to gossip about it.

“do we really have to be here? i knew i was texting a boy but... i just thought he was a nice boy? not some satanist like david frances…” “david frances is not a SATANIST! … PROBABLY!”

upon finding brodie and billie at the creek:

peaches: well, there goes the neighbourhood. david: oh, what the hell are you two doing here!? mouse: yall know there’s no starbucks around here right?

i love these fucking queers SO MUCH-

david looks so shocked and so touched that billie would actually stick her neck out for brodie and pretend they’re still together after everything. his admiration for her really starts in that moment.

"and another thing-" "ugh, seriously? has anyone ever told you two you're kind of hard to deal with?!" david you are everything to me

billie: so – look. we’re gonna go ahead and tell everyone that nothing’s happened, that we’re still together, but you gotta do the same, okay? peaches, actual gremlin: [gasp] SECRETS! secrets and LIES! mouse, actual gremlin x2: dirty, dirty CLOSET secrets!!!

i love these losers so fucking much…

“welcome to the gang!” “not quite.” “yeah, you are the only one not looking the part here…” “if you wanna be in our gang, sandra-dee, we need to get you a leather jacket!” STOP these queer kids welcoming brodie into their group… letting him know he’s not alone… i’ll CRY

i wanna talk about brodie and david... look the point of the show is not the two-second-long sexting-based relationship between david and brodie. they both seem very okay with leaving it be and just respecting each other as friends and comrades as they go to live their own lives on their own terms. but god i really want to know if they talked about the anonymous texting. i want to know if they talked about being the only two gay men in town. i want to know if they talked at all. there’s this quiet understanding and respect between them as they sit next to each other and drink and just look at each other, really seeing each other for the first time, and i really want to know if there was anything more to that.

something so interesting during ‘another lover’ is that billie actually sits on the steps near the band and allows the queer characters to be up at the front welcoming brodie into their group as they all drink around the campfire together. she lets them have their moment of solidarity without intrusion. that’s something i really wasn’t expecting but it’s so beautiful to see.

something that’s also really important to note is that as much as billie lets the group have their moment of solidarity, they also take a step back and allow her to express her love for brodie as they part ways and allow her to have her moment of grief during ‘my favourite guy’. billie’s never had a consistent figure in her life and brodie was that for her. and he still is, but it’s so different now. as much as she understands and forgives and stands by him, she has been let down here, and she deserves to have a moment to mourn that nothing can go back to the way it was for them.

and this leads to another wonderful ‘billie is flawed but not BAD’ moment – when kelly calls her… oh my goodness billie just wants some support. and she still tries her best not to take it. She still tries to say everything is fine, her and brodie are still together, but Kelly is just not having it. ‘have you been crying? billie, just TELL me!’ ... look there’s no one left in billie’s life right now who she feels completely 100% comfortable in trusting. she doesn’t know david peaches and mouse that well, and she wants brodie to be supported, but she can’t confide her thoughts about him cheating on her and their break-up to the guy who cheated on her and who she broke-up with… so yes, naturally she seeks help in kelly. she trusts kelly, the girl who was always kind to her, supported her, chided their friends when they made pointed comments about her 'situation', so... kelly would never hurt her, would she?

“you know… you know that boy, david frances...? well-” “hey cowgirl, get over here!” “oh, right – sorry, kelly, i’ve got to – kelly…?” oh no.

“oh brodie was just telling us all what a crazy gun nut you are!” oh NO.

the hush that falls over them all when they realize billie carries. brodie doesn’t see anything wrong with it, of course – he knows billie, he knows she only goes shooting at the range in a controlled environment because it reminds her of her dad, he knows she’d never hurt anyone. but the way peaches goes dead silent and always keeps a hand on mouse, the way all three of them step so quietly and so warily around her…

“i didn’t have you down for all this ‘fastest draw in the west’ stuff.” “just call me billie the kid!” STOP STOP STOP I DIDN’T THINK THAT THAT WAS WHERE THE TITLE WAS COMING FROM-

when billie says “i can show you, if you want!” she means it with such good intentions, she just wants to share a skill she has with her friends – and mouse is so eager to touch the gun, probably through some teenage ‘guns are cool’ mentality, probably because they’re so unused to having power in their life, but peaches immediately yanks them back. “our fingerprints aren’t going on ANY firearms” oof… it’s like she’s playing it off as a joke, but… we know she's not, right?

but david… oh david is ENAMOURED by the gun… he treats it with such child-like wonder, this thing that could take a life when everyone around him tried so hard to take his. he’s nervous to use it, embarrassed when he misses, laughing awkwardly – and billie takes his hand, guides him to look down the barrel, to shoot true and HIT. she really does think she’s doing good. she really thinks she’s helping him take back some control in his life, because that's what shooting is for her.

“we all have the right to defend ourselves! people like you, people like mouse – we all have a right to protect ourselves when we feel our lives are at stake.” “well, god bless america!” NO DAVID NOOOOOO BILLIE I UNDERSTAND YOU THINK YOU’RE HELPING BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

cue ‘sharks in the water’. it’s a fucking bop but my god is it terrifying… especially when the girls tell abel about the messages. he’s the one who called david a homo. he’s the one who makes all the gay jokes for brodie to partake in. and he looks FURIOUS.

the horror in brodie’s face when his phone starts pinging… the devastation in david’s face when he sees what happened to him happening all over again…

when billie holds david’s hand over the gun like a promise and says “this keeps us safe.” and then the blackout drops... the DREAD in my stomach!!!!!!!!! what a fucking way for act 1 to end!!!!!

#billie the kid #billie the kid musical #fic thoughts #tw suicide mention #tw gun mention #ryan kopel #musical theatre

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ftmgirlcunthole · 8 months

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I saw your post about loving getting messages from other ftm girls so hi!! I’m just starting out in my journey to realising my true slutty potential and could really use a mentor to help me!! Can I have all of your best pointers please? 🥺

omg hi!! i seriously do love getting these messages like wow it makes me really wet. firstly im so proud of you for starting on this journey, i know how intimidating it can be cause this was me just a couple months ago tbh.

ive been on t for a couple years, but denied my pussy anything, i never touched her, never looked at her or my tits, i was so dysphoric and scared. but then i started lurking on the detrans kink sites and was surprised at how wet i got! and my pussy 🌸 began tingling and clenching around nothing. i was scared and ignored her, but deep down i knew what i really wanted. one day i just snapped, id simply denied her too long, and i started to finger myself.

a week later i had already bought two dildos and a toy and was addicted to fucking myself, now ive bought lingerie, i like to jiggle my tits while i ride my dildo everyday, i shave everyday to stay nice and smooth like a pretty girl and im trying to stretch my cunt out so i can take two cocks at once and even a fist and i cannot even tell you how exciting and fun it is! 💕🌸

it really shows that no matter how long you try to deny yourself or pretend to be a boy your pussy will make you make the right decision eventually, nature is really amazing like that! 🥰

so long story short, my advice is to let yourself give in to your urges. it wont be easy and it may be intimidating, thats natural, and thats okay!! dont pressure yourself, but also, let yourself do what you really want to do, i know your cunt wants to be fucked, i know you want to shake and jiggle your tits if you still have them, i know you want to be pretty and soft just like i do because if you have a vagina we all want this deep down and theres nothing wrong with it, just give in to your nature.

if you ever want any more encouragement dont be scared to message or dm, because not only does this make me happy to help other girls, it also helps me! seeing other girls give in reminds me of how far ive come in such a short time, and encourages me to wanna detrans for the kink too 💗💗

#btw i hope this wasnt too far or anything #i never want to actually make anyone uncomfy #ask #asks

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kruxton · 1 month

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For kahar,I imagine him seemingly proud that he stand up to his father and always spends time with his gang. Is it me or do I see the headmaster as like a genuine good father figure to kahar because let's be honest,he needs good parental figures to mange himself.

For amir,I imagine him being the best friend naim has and try to make sure naim isn't stressed out.

For ayam,I imagine him watching some drama between some students and sometimes interfere if it gets too much through his own ways of course.

For phc aus,how about fakri and naim meeting their swap alternatives. Swap fakhri has a soft side but at the same time used that innocent facade to get himself out of trouble while swap naim is hard headed a bit but somehow a troublemaker and uses his pengawas privileges fo used it as an excuse to kick some people who dare to hurt his brother.

kahar is 100% proud but also like fighting his own internal conflict cause he's still on the bridge of whether or not hes right. the guilt is bad but the hate for his father is stronger

i love amir hes my favourite character in the whole series and that storyline for him i feel was so perfect for his character and development. i could go on and on abt him but im not going to cause i'd stop making sense 5 words in.i have my own little hc abt amir and naim but 🤭🤭 going to keep that to myself bc Hurt..,..,

ayam does that thing that kakak2 buat when scolding their little siblings. im speaking as a kakak myself and also as an avid upin ipin enjoyer. also it just stays true to his character bc come on ayam is definitely a kakak. ykwim

also that fakhri swap is. so interesting. im assuming that u mean there is two pairs of brothers with swapped personalities here ok

i feel like fakhri would be slightly weirded out bc Who is That. but also a bit fond of it??? so to speak??? like he thinks that maybe thats who he shouldve been but he doesnt believe that, not really

naim on the other hand would FREAK i think he'd hate that alternate version of him so much BUT also wonder if that was the what a better version of him is like yk. feeds his desire to hide that soft part of him so he doesnt know what to feel

#oof can u tell i love mental dilemmas #i need it to survive sorry #project high council #replies

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celestie0 · 9 days

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HALLO ELLIE!!! proud to say ive successfully managed to move on from my situationship! hope u don’t mind me rambling about this guy.

let’s call him f since that’s his initial. F and I have been friends since primary sch, he eventually had to move because his dad passed away. Anyways, two years ago we started talking again because his family visited mine. Long story short, things were complicated because we had been flirting a lil bit and he also said that ‘if you flirt with other guys, I’ll starve myself’ which Icked me so BAD. He did apologised .Last year, I ‘happy birthday’ed my way into his life and started talking again because I really did miss him, he’s my childhood best friend after all. After like two weeks? I don’t remember anymore💔 He told me he loved me and i was happy to say it back to him. (I was such a fool😭) I remember being giggly and all. On 23rd August we got into a fight because we planned to meet up and i said to him ‘okay I’m nervous. I don’t think I wanna meet up’ which made him mad. MIND YOU! we were in planning stages. i didn’t cancel on him on the day itself! I had lots of things going on at that time so him just casually saying I was PLAYING him made me so upset. He had the cheek to tell me ‘ily’ because honestly I hate when people start getting all affectionate after a fight. I hope you get it😭 the next month went okaaay until 23rd sep. (23 is like a curse at this point💔💔) I confronted him on why he hasn’t been saying ‘ily’ back it may seem something small but I hate not getting it back like excuse me? AND HE SAID TO ME ‘my ex was the only one who managed to make me feel loved’ I CRIED SO BADDD!!!! how could he say that after everything I’ve did for him. smh. yada yada things went on and in dec we stopped talking. I really did liked talking to him and all but it was too much. There was certain moments where I felt like he was just using me cause I wanted him. The times where we sexted (no nudes were exchanged, just texts.) though we did call because he wanted to hear me moan. not my proudest moments, I don’t wanna be begging for a guy’s attention again. I genuinely loved him with my whole heart :((

IM SO SORRY 4 RAMBLING ON!!!! I needed to let this out so badly 🤒❤️‍🩹 love u sm ellie

— frank ocean anon

hiii my love <3 omg GASP i’m so proud of uuu situationships are hell on earth i hope you feel at peace now!!

PLS YOU’re SO REAL FOR GETTING THE ICK OVER THAT!! i swear jealousy is only attractive w fictional men ✋🏼😭 it is NOT a cute look for actual men slsldkfjfh imo its a lil overbearing n strange haha

aww thats sad hun u guys are like childhood best friends so i imagine it was still tough not speaking :(( WOW he said i love youu n you said it backk. its ok bb if it was a happy thing in the moment then it can stay that way in your memory regardless of how stuff turned out in the end :”) be kind to yourself <3

ahhh yea thats 🚩 the whole getting mad cuz you cancelled…and no i totally get that, i hate that sort of “love bombing” after a fight, it just comes off as in-genuine. thats so valid n i relate

OH MY GOSH THE COMMENT ABOUT HIS EX ☹️☹️ WHY WOULD HE SAY THAT…some things you should just keep to your fuckin self. thats awful im sorry love 🥲🥲 you deserve SO much better than that

it’s okkk bb, you knew him a long time n even apart from relationship/situationship, there was still a friendship there too. you can really love someone but also realize theyre bad for you, those two can coexist. i’m so proud of you for realizing you deserve better than someone who makes you feel like you’re being used! no one should ever feel that way. take it easy bb but truuuly truly truly time will heal <3 chin up!! so many wonderful experiences out there for you still my dear

- much loveee, ellie ☁️

#frank ocean anon #asks

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monzamash · 1 month

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just don’t understand why u keep saying you’ve gone off daniel because of ‘what he said/did earlier in the season’ yet ur perfectly happy to write for lando who also made questionable comments idk just feels hypocritical. what made landos comments ok but daniels so horrid lol it makes no sense 👍 if u want to be a daniel hater just come out and say it instead of being all coy about it and pretending like ur not being weird about it cause u say u won’t write for him and then u update ur layout and put up a picture of it lmao so which is it

i don’t know if this is the same anon that’s been sending me shit every second day for months about this - i’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and say it’s not because of the way you’ve typed this out but the message is still the same and this is the last straw.

i don’t hate daniel. if you look at my last post i said that he’s a big part of why i fell in love with f1. he was also the reason i started this blog so just because i’m not writing for him now, doesn’t mean i hate him. it’s not as black and white for me as it seems to be for you.

writing doesn’t define my blog - its something i do when i feel like it and most of the time i’m either chatting with you guys on here or supporting other writers. it was a fun escape but lately it’s been the opposite of that.

people may not like this but in my opinion daniels comments were significantly more damaging than landos vague response to a question that nobody could factually corroborate. i don’t think i’m alone in thinking that. daniel straight up said the one thing i personally hate the most when someone’s defending an abuser which is, “well [insert name] has always been good to me so…” that’s what upset me the most and now i have no desire to write for him. that is simply how i feel and if you don’t agree/understand, it’s all good. try and find other blogs who do share your views. makes life a lot easier.

anyway, did daniels comments make me want to erase every trace of him from my blog? no but i made it clear that i wouldn’t be writing for him for the foreseeable future and if anything changed, i would give people the heads up. what i absolutely won’t be doing is caving in to bullies who hide behind a shadow on the fucking internet who say i that i should delete my blog and myself while i’m at it.

so the context of why i made a header with daniel in it was that i thought including him would allow people the chance to bounce if they don’t want to read any daniel fics or interact with a blog that had a lot of daniel content in the past - people hate him and have made sure to tell me how fucked i am to still have his fics in my masterlist. thats the sort of hate that really gets to me because i’m so proud of some of those fics and spent a lot of time on them. that’s one reason why I won’t ever delete them but it’s also because there are daniel fans out there who hopefully feel like they can still interact with me even if we don’t share the exact same opinion. i don’t want that to change.

another thing to note is that this header was up for like two seconds and the fact you saw it must mean you’re just stalking my page? are you checking in to call me out the second i do something wrong? and you think i’m weird? alright lol

lastly, saying i’m being coy and weird isn’t fair - i’ve been honest about where i stand and even when i’ve been unsure, i was still being upfront and owning the fact that i didn’t know what direction this blog would take after all that. so if what i’ve said in this post or in the past isn’t enough for you, then just leave please. literally leave me alone because i don’t want to do this anymore.

#monzamail

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etherealspacejelly · 2 months

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Hey dad :)

I think I'm burnt out. Idk if I'm just being dramatic cause my grades are good but the symptoms check out. Idk what to do now tho because last time I spoke to a teacher about it she was really dismissive and when I spoke to another teacher she said I just had to try harder. Also it feels like half of the people I know are burnt out nowadays.

And my parents don't believe in burnout they think kids these days just have to suck it up.

But like I'm really struggling with self-care and motivation and I'm either overstimulated or underestimated the whole time and my entire life kinda feels like a mess.

Sorry for the rant I'm just panicking a little bit

a lot of people are burnt out rn. myself included. give yourself some slack. you're trying your best, and thats all anyone can ask of you.

make sure to take care of your sensory needs. if you need to wear sunglasses because the lights are too bright, do it! if you need earplugs, get some! that can really help

let yourself rest as much as you can. get extensions on assignments if you are able to.

remember that good enough is better than not at all. if brushing your teeth is too difficult, swill some mouthwash around your mouth. if going for a walk is too much, just step outside for a while or open a window.

treat yourself with the same kindness you would give to a close friend.

you got this bud, im proud of you!

#inbox #ask #inbox open #ethereal space dad #burnout #advice

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curiously-questing · 1 year

Text

GUYS OKAY. I WAS JUST VIBING AND WATCHING A VIDEO ABOUT THE HISTORY OF FONTS BECAUSE I WANTED TO MAKE AN ACCURATE 1920′S NEWS REPORT FOR MY BOOK ANALYSIS - AND I WAS SEARCHING UP THE NAMES OF EVERYONE THE VIDEO MENTIONED. ONE OF THEM WAS NAMED PAUL RAND (not super important to the story but) WHEN I SEARCHED HIM UP I SAW AN OwO FACE AND I WAS LIKE “damn paul rand was the original owo thats like learning about how motzart would get on his knees and meow sometimes” AND. IT JUST HIT ME. LIKE A GOODDAMN BOULDER. “hey THATS. THATS NOT SOMETHING NEUROTYPICAL PEOPLE DO” SO I WENT TO OUR BESTIE GOOGLEtm AND SEARCHED THIS UP

and i was like “haha i really am the first person asking this question” AND THEN.

I WAS FFKING RIGHT AND I WAS SO PROUD OF MYSELF FOR SOME REASON BUT THEN I WAS CURIOUS SO I CLICKED ON THE LINK. I’LL LIST A FEW THAT I KNOW THE MOST ABOUT PERSONALLY.

- Thomas Jefferson

- Bill Gates

- Steve Jobs

- Bobby Fischer

- Charles Darwin

- Lewis Carroll (writer of Alice in wonderland)

- Hans Christian Anderson (original writer of The Little Mermaid and The Ugly Duckling)

- Michealangelo

- Nikola Tesla

- Issac Newton AND ALBERT FUUCKING ENSTIEN.

IT MAKES SENSE BUT ALSO I CAN’T THINK OF ANY FAMOUS HISTORICAL FIGURE NOT ON THE SPECTRUM?? AS PROBABLY THE 1 (one) SINGULAR PERSON ON THIS WEBSITE THAT IS NEUROTYPICAL I FEEL LIKE. LIKE WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE. IM THE ONLY ONE ON THIS SITE THAT ISNT EMPOWERED BY THIS KNOWLEDGE. I FEEL LIKE NOW I NEED TO SEARCH UP COOL REVOLUTIONARY HISTORICAL FIGURES THAT I LOOK UP TO THAT ARENT ON THE SPECTRUM NOW CAUSE EVERYONE THAT DID ANYTHING SPECIAL IS AUTISTIC??? HELLO??

#can someone please search up revolutionary figures that arent on the spectrum and arent assholes so i can feel like i can actually do someth #ing again #i dont know how to make image id's so if someone is able to do that that i can edit in the post #autism #asd #aspergers #OCD #neurodivergent #neurotypical #i know i only mentioned men in the post but because of the education system- those are the only people i know from the link #edited the post 22nd of december for readability.

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sixosix · 5 months

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girl (/gn) i totally get you esp about being a xiao kisser.. like?? imagine being so down bad for your main but you can barely write him as good as you do for the rest of your faves :')) BUT BRO (/gn) I SERIOUSLY LOOOOVE ALL YOUR FICS!! the moment i found you, binged each n every one >:)) it's okay, xiao will find his time to shine, so much so that you'll feel super proud once it happens.

ANYWHOOOO!! here is the brainrot that i got, i really hope that i sent this at a good time, otherwise feel free to just let this float away~ (also i'm so, so hooked by thawed. lyney had absolutely no right to be so delulu over the reader- I LEGIT GIGGLED WHEN LYNETTE SAID PROPOSED TO THE READER COME AWNNN!!! lyney, honey, i will shake you by the shoulders.)

promise by laufey, right?

i personally think this song has such a very.. hurt, hurt, hurt, comfort and then more hurt, but at last, comfort vibe. it fits both boys - both lyney and aether. they are so magnificent, shining brightly on their own- one on a stage and the other across nations. pulling away from them hurts like a bitch, because their love felt like a warm embrace that burned like a bandage each time you tried to yank away.

being with them was like heaven. being with them brought you the kind of joy that eternal paradise would supply. being with them .. archons, being with them felt like their mere presence could shelter you away from the darkness of the world.

and it hurts to be something.

because being with them meant danger. meant arguments- ones that neither of you can win. it spelled disaster with each wound, and caused misery with each day left alone to one's devices. being with them meant that you were forced to watch your stunning significant other play a perfect part in a life you don't think you fit- oh, you've done the math. there was no solution, and there was no way to force you — a mere extra puzzle piece — to fit their masterpiece.

yet it's worse to be nothing with them.

ok n then that's the end of my brainy brainrot.. the second last verse in the song:

So I broke my promise

I called you last night

I shouldn't have, I wouldn't have

If it weren't for the sight of a boy

Who looked just like you

Standing out on Melrose Avenue

can you imagine just how beautiful it would be to imagine a scene where you taught you mistook the sight of the one closest to your heart, and in an act of desperation and longing, you try to hurry and contact them. shaky hands and shivering figure, your heart practically weeping with overdue worry and grief of your past relationship, only to find them also looking for you- as if it was fate. clinging to each other and pouring your hearts out into the only two souls that could hear you two.

AHHH THAT'S IT THOO,,, hope you didn't mind the brainrot, i totally really just "hm user sixosix would very much enjoy this idea methinks" BUT I DID NOT PLAN THIS OUT VERY WELL. hope you're having a good day, afternoon, evening, night!! ❤️

HI!!! i see ur reblogs a lot so its rlly rlly nice to see u interacting more and more often! :D im soso happy u like thawed. that series is my baby. ALSO its rlly cute u thought id like this idea BC I DO!!! wow. U get me.

your writing is soso pretty :( ITS POETRY!!! i love it and how u captured the feel of the song (which is just pain) and the “you were forced to watch your stunning significant other play a perfect part in a life you don't think you fit” OHHH!!! thats the shit i live for. realizing that you dont fit in w the life he lives in. Pain.

what i think is that this song fits aether the most !!! OUUUGHH you knowing that aether has to leave teyvat eventually but u cant help but long for him THATS THE GOOD SHIT “we’ll never last / why can’t i let go of this?”

“i made a promise to distance myself” BC u know that you have to stop caring so u dont get hurt when he leaves!!!!’

this song is beyond perfect tysm for sharing this w me!! Ough now i may end up writing this and blame it on you bc its so perfect 😭😭😭

#606:inbox #long post #606: faesther

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scarsmood · 2 years

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whats the difference between bdsm and abuse to you? is the consent the difference cause Im confused about consenting to being harmed and how easily ive seen scenes go wrong (which leads to sexual assault) and the harm such violent sex can do when easily accessed as it is. Im just spiraling down a "why the fuck am i agreeing with radfems views on kink and bdsm in relation to women and trauma" Im into a lot of kink but a lot of it is also inherently creepy and makes a fetish out of trauma n race

Abuse occurs when BDSM is no longer in a fashion of sound and positive mind. For example I got into some really hard kinks lately. Kipnapping, knifeplay, bloodplay, drugging, restraints, general pain, sadism, you get the idea.

Overall in my experience it was largely healing, my intrusive thoughts have dwindled by a very noticeable amount. I have more confidence in myself and dont feel fragile or weak. I feel more proud to be who i am after having a knife drawn on me. So…why? Why didn’t all this shit turn abusive?

It comes down to why your doing it, can you trust your partner and yourself and is it loving/ positive. I have been in bad BDSM situations simple kinks like restraints have given me trauma before because my partner wasnt doing kink the same reason i was doing kink.

Both partners need to be playing in a positive space both looking out for each other. You should be able to 100% trust they will not have a change of heart during a scene and skip your boundaries, start legitimately hurting you, start neglecting you, or simply forget your needs. Those all lead to an abusive experience that still largely mimics BDSM to the inexperienced eye.

When a scene goes so right people wonder if it’s consensual that isn’t actual nonconsent. Thats really good acting and a strong relationship. There is always a safeword and non verbals to stop a scene. If its being done in a dungeon for example you may not know how many iterations and attempts it took for the scene goers to get things that perfect. (Hint probably years of alone practice and trust)

If a partner says a safeword and its ignored, if a partner can’t communicate and seems to be struggling, they look like they are no longer aware of anything really and cant make any choices. Its time to stop. Thats where things go from fun to abusive. If you can’t take anything away from your BDSM experience its best to not do those things.

You learn a lot about yourself when someones cutting you open. Not that I mind of course it was very fun. The entire time I gave enthusiastic consent. My dom is very good and i am very sensitive so he’d often stop to make sure I’m still good. He’d only continue when i gave that enthusiastic consent. The “yes lets keep going” not just a jumble of words like “sure i guess i dont know” if i gave something like the latter thatd be the end of the scene.

Cause scenes like that are an intense adrenaline high. If you cant think that clearly probably peaking anyways. Might as well call it and start aftercare to be safe. Doms after a point have to make choices for subs as well cause in very intense scenes you will loose your typical perception of whats ok due to adrenaline. So they have to look out for you.

Ok so subs get the euphoric learning experience got it and doms get to hurt people??? No. I have typically learned the most being the dom. I like my boyfriend it’s why were dating thats why if I am the one to be cutting into him my mind is split into two focuses. One mechanical, how am I holding the knife, how is my angle, pressure, where is it going and what vitals am i over? Do i need to adjust my pressure?

And two in equal parts, what does he like, when I do x how does he like it? Watching his reaction the entire time. To know when hes enjoying it, when its pushing him, when its to far. Ironically for me i have to look for a lack of response cause his nerves might as well be from a tank i think i could hit him with a bat hed be like “did you pat me on the back?” (Im exaggerating)

Anyways i know if he goes from fidgeting to absolutely nothing suddenly. Thats his brain switching from fun! To I am preparing to grin and bare it. So that’s when things stop cause it’s not constructive past that point. What happens if it does though?

For example when we did our first go around I bit him. Really really hard. He flipped from fun to grin and bare it. I had no idea. So i let go much later without realizing that wasn’t a super fun experience. After that scene he explained that response to me. I was able to point out when it happened and know when things go to far. To my knowledge it hasn’t happened again and I intend to keep it that way. It wasn’t traumatic, we talked about it we identified the problem and moved on. With lots of aftercare of course.

I have noticed in most of my life I always have had intrusive thoughts of stabbing, cutting, beating, just generally attacking people. When your cutting someone open in BDSM there is no room in my mind for those thoughts to run and I noticed these experiences overwrite them. Did you know? It’s actually very difficult to cut someone? Infact its extremely mundane and awkward. That killed most of my intrusive thoughts then and there. These actions do not inherently equate to power or blood lust, they are just actions. There is no magical high or redemption ark or some shit.

It is literally just standing holding a sharp object and making funny shapes. So. A lot of my power fantasies disappted pretty quickly. Cause its so mundane. It helps a lot in BDSM your doing these things out of love or trust for the other person. As a sub i learned im not fragile. My pain tolerance is (lol) but i am not. I was always afraid anything could break me and snap my back into stockholm syndrome or my abused mindset.

It isn’t true. It takes a lot to get there and roleplay definitely isnt gonna do it. Even actual abuse like being assaulted during hook ups (i got em dont worry, story for another day) still won’t make me snap back. It’s very empowering. When kink goes right it really goes right. I was suggested by my therapist to more or less slowly transition out of hard kink once I felt healed. I think thats a good idea. Cause you can’t dwell there forever.

For now though. It’s been a lovely experience.

#afterdark #erokin

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