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edible-star-soup · 5 months

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“how can i feel so much love for everyone around me but its not romantic”

“How can I feel so much for people but every time I think it’s romantic I don’t actually like them and I’m just delusional”

“oh”

“Yours must suck so bad. I can’t even imagine loving and feeling things for people but it never being romantic. I do like people on the infatuation level sometimes but because I analyze them so in depth there’s always something that icks me out. I don’t think I’ve ever really loved someone tho. I’m a firm believer in if you loved them you wouldn’t fall out of love with them. You can move on, but you’ll always love them.”

“we are so different”

“why?”

“just our beliefs and experiences”

“oh”

“maybe you need to stop analyzing things that are only there for you, see what theyre showing, instead of what you think you see”

“No I analyze what they’re showing. Cause when you ignore your instincts that’s when you get hurt.”

“oh”

“i dont go like psycho crazy in depth like learn their every aspect to analyze them. Just like the orange peel theory”

“the what?”

“You ask them if they’ll peel an orange for you, If they say yes, even if with hesitation, it shows that they will put effort in. If they straight up say no or make excuses, it shows they don’t wanna put effort in because that’s your job. Anyways I don’t know how to explain my thinking but like I don’t analyze everything. Like ofc there’s people that are date material I just don’t like them. Cause everyone has mistakes so yknow. It’s not like every little mistake or imperfection matters but”

“ill never get you”

“ill never get me either. Maybe i should just mess around and have fun kissing everybody like you do”

“idk man i guess i just feel like maybe im falling behind, i feel so much for so many people and i want to love them like a lover would and make them feel happy like a lover would, and i feel bad knowing that everyone will always have someone that will make them happier than i do. no matter what i do about it, i cant love them like they want. and its worse because someone will put into words all they want in someone to love and ill be everything they list but i just, cant love them”

“oh”

“no because i feel romance i fall in love with everything around me all the time and i know what its like to want and to love and be loved but its just not a romance like how others perceive it. i have so much feeling for absolutely everything, but its just not what somebody wants to be with, because i cant love them like they want, but i do.”

“I don’t know how to explain how I feel, I like people and there are people that I would date if given a chance but I don’t like them. I don’t desire to be with anyone but I crave romance. I don’t like people very often but on occasion I do, But I don’t wanna do anything about it because I’d rather sit with my feelings than lose that one ray of hope”

“oh my god were different”

“yeah were different”

“i think everytime we talk personally we get more and more different, or just find more differences”

“Like there’s nobody I want romantically but I WANT a love life. And when I do want someone I can’t do anything about it cause the only time I feel human is when I like someone and I don’t like not feeling human. i just float around. like a damn jellyfish. But when I like someone I feel like I exist. So I can’t do anything about it because if and when they say they don’t like me back they’ll disappear and I’ll be inhuman again. i dont know how to explain it better than that. i just want to feel man. Like ofc I occasionally feel real. But most things just don’t feel real at all.”

“i promise theres more humanity in you than just your feelings for others, if that helps”

#poetry #vent #love #romance #aromantic poetry #aromantic #aroace #green #orange #poetry vent #vent poetry #friends #i love you #lovers #aromantism

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pippinboi · 3 years

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Yah boi is pansexual everyone !! Also, genderfluid with prefered they/them pronouns, which is something i didn't think id say. Im not like out yet cause in my country i feel like its still not accepted to be anything other than straight and cis, especially in my small town. I wanna tell my mum but when i told her i was bi a while ago she didn't really react the way i needed her too because im in a hetero relationship. So, I've told about 3 people including my partner and I'm trying to slowly be okay with it myself. I yelling it into the void because it is easier for me and i dont know anyone on here who knows my fmaily so its all good. I just wanna put it somewhere so i can vent about it. Basically I have a weird relationship with gender because i was always a tomboy and hated anything girly or feminine. As i got older i liked the attention i got when i dressed feminine and it made me feel confident but still always very uncomfortbale. Dressing "masculine" was my most comfortbale state and still is at the moment but i want to combine the two so i can feel confident and comfortbale. I prefer they/them because i dont see myself as a girl or a boy because the way those things are perceived in my community are not the things i feel about myself. I say i am genderfluid because i dont mind what pronouns are used for me and i do feel more feminine or masculine some days but all in all id like one day to be able to tell people that id like to be refered to as they/them because those are the pronouns that are the most comfotable for me. But its small steps and i may at, some stage tell my mum but because she was very heavily about me treating myself as a woman i feel like im hesitant to tell her. I know that she would feel mortified if she knew that was the reason but im not ready for her to feel that guilt because then ill feel that guilt too. So for now it's tumblr and my flat that know who i truly feel about myself and i think that's the way im going to keep it for a little while till i fully figure out what it is i want to do about my identity.

#T's delema #Hey all #New name now haha #It'll still be t's delema #Cause its now an archive #But Pip is something i vibe with more #Enby #Genderfluid #Scared haha #Confused

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atomicsurvivor-isleofskye · 6 years

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Ep. 8 - “started throwing names at people likes hes oprah” - Stephen

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169057646521/individual-immunity-3-video-quiz

My plan worked and then tribal went crazy ALSHDJJDJDB. I really wonder what’s going to happen next and how this all will affect my game cause they’ll figure out I flipped

The tribal was so sad. Not the person voted out but the aftermath. O well we got Olivia out so that's okay. Lukas is making Ain feel bad. Tara is lovely as always. I'm just really tired... why did I rejoin an org... o well. I can't wait to be back stabbed by all of them. ^-^ I know it's about to happen soon~

Lukas.... was wild at tribal. I don't know where all his said was coming from. I've never personally attacked him nor have I said he's ugly? I don't know why he thinks that. The game and the personal stuff are separate to me but they (Olivia and Lukas) seem to think otherwise. Lukas kinda threatened me about spreading personal stuff Olivia has told me. I think I'm going to be targeted next because of this. I hate confrontations so someone like Lukas scares me. I hope he leaves me alone. Suddenly the game isn't fun anymore. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten too close to Olivia. This is probably my bad. I hope I can win immunity or something

So heather trust me a lot more than I thought and I really have to do some lying about how manipulated by Stephen I was just to gain her trust and make sure I can play both sides perfectly hopefully this all works out and all the people that have target on their backs keep the targets

Heather and I practically made a final two deal and I’m very much down for it but that make it 100% more complicated to flip flop back and forth from sides I think if we were to just kill the sides and stop the mini gang war we have going on it would be way better but that’s not going to happen anytime soon I know all it takes is for one person to speak and I’m out but it a risk worth me taking I’m not really here to win I’m here to play and I feel like that’s what I’m doing I just hope when my time comes I don’t get dragged on the way out

https://photos.app.goo.gl/GDl5Jz7dtf14mLJ92

https://youtu.be/ojorlTjWt_0

I'm still so confused by Lukas' outburst.... Who called him ugly? Why did he mention the government or that it was racist to vote olivia out?? I might be wrong but arent both of them white? my brown ass doesnt understand. Is he trolling? Is this a joke? Is he ok? All I know is I have to win immunity!!! ILL MEMORIZE EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS VIDEO. Jk i dont even remember what i had for breakfast

I think I’m in a good position at the moment, theres a lot of chaos in the tribe and chaos is good for me. Ive managed to solidify connections with most of the people remaining, jake d is the one exception, and now that the saorsa alliance is broken hopefully i can pull numbers in to make a new alliance. Or at least manipulate voting blocks to vote out who I want. I have to be careful though, seeming to have a lot of power and control was what got me into this mess, from now on I need to be able to work through my allies, ain and tara, that way if we do get betrayed i might not be the target.

https://youtu.be/ojorlTjWt_0

Welp this is absolutely the worst thing for me. I have no votes, the only people I truly trust are gone. I am screwed basically. My back is against a wall, but im not going down without a fight. I am ready to play. This showed me the only person who has my back right now is me, no one left to protect me or for me to protect. I want Tara gone, but I don't know how im possibly going to get the votes. I wanna try convincing That Aundra has an idol, but that is risky. Im scared, but ready.

Well sarosa is deader than a doornail its just me and heather ghfghd i feel like joe and mike from hvhvh i kinda hope im mike even if im perceived as a goat because im not rdy to join that jury just yet!!

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169088460561/announcement

Lukas is removed from the game.

So Lukas is no more and that’s seriously what he deserves I liked him and though he was cool but hopefully reputation isn’t ruined but if it is it’s his fault I really wish him the best and really wish his game didn’t end this ways

Lukas leaving makes things easier. I think everyone was on board to vote him out anyway after the way he acted and made people uncomfortable. I'm also glad that Olivia changed her goodbye message. I have not done anything malicious towards her and I would hate for her to think that I did. That's just not the person I am. Voting her out was strictly a game move. Honestly, after getting close to her, I thought it would be better to keep her in the game since she was sharing information with me but Tara is right. She holds everything together on the other side and it's good that she's gone. The last thing Lukas did was tell Rebecka that Tara, Vi, and Stephen have a final 3. This has made her wary of them and is considering how to take them out. She was even considering working with Lukas before he got booted. Rebecka seems genuine and loyal to me. But, I think that when given the opportunity, she would cut me off if it gave her a better chance in the game. She is a logical player like that. Her and JG are dangerous. Aundra is dangerous as well but he seems to be with us for now. But I also can't forget that Heather and Jake D are still in the game. My ideal f2 is with Tara. I hope she wins.

I just want us all to be friends

So its time to actually nail down a proper alliance for the next few votes until ftc starts being a thought. So far I know I cant trust the Saorsans, Aundra and I have too much history, and JG is smart, and sneaky. But I trust Ain and Tara, Rebecka less so but as long as I can show her voting with us is in her favour then we’ll be good. That leaves Vi, who I sometimes can’t get a read on and has voted me in the past, but with her I’m trusting on her connections with the other alliance members.

Oh my oh my. What news I bring. Lukas was kicked out and Heather, Aundra, Rebecka and Jake (i'm so sad he's backstabbing me like this but I guess this is what I get) are trying to spilt Ain, Tara and me. Once again another messy tribal. I accidently told Stephen I told heather we aren't close in the group chat and so I backtracked and set Rebecka against them too. MY BAD. sorry rebecka but I need to save my sorry behind. No hard feelings~ <3 Anyways I'll update you after the tribal tomorrow.

So quick update, JGs a massive threat now that is coming out of his shell and started throwings names at people likes hes oprah. So while he is trying to get us to vote vi, while getting his alliance to vote tara, my alliance is voting him out. Yeet.

Heather really trust me a lot or at least she says she does and I really hope she won’t hold any of this against me because I really do like her and think she’s great I just know wants this is over she’ll hate me and think I was lying to her this entire time I’m probably overplaying the game like the rest of the cast

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169092596771/immunity-results

Heather wins immunity.

OH MY GOD. DID I JUST LOSE BOTH MY ALLIES, WIN IMMUNITY, AND POSSIBLY PULL PEOPLE TOGETHER FOR A BLINDSIDE ALL AFTER BEING EXILED. YES LOVES. YES I THINK I MIGHT HAVE. Ok I am not sure on the blindside yet, but ill know once my instincts kick in. Right now I have Aundra and Jake I am pretty sure, aswell as Ain and JG which I am a little hesitant on. We have a plan to get rid of Tara, but make everyone think that we are voting Vi. But honestly I have no idea if they are to be trusted or not. I learned, the only person who really has my back is me. I knew Olivia and Lukas had my back, but they arent here anymore. Lukas even said he would do anything to push me further in the game because he already ruined his chances. I tried so hard to calm him down and reassure him that he is fine. I do not condone what he did, but I never saw that side of him. Its hard to see him go. He was a friend. Now there are 2 Saorsa left in the game. Might as well call this tribe iolair again. But probably not because I am planning on staying here for a while longer.

JG is playing such a messy game. Now he's targeting Tara and I. I... HATE! I dont know who I should play my idol for. Should I play it for Tara because that's who they say they're voting for? Or are they voting for me??? I don't know if they're telling me the truth. Why would they? I have not been working with them at all. Heather is either a master strategist or a messy player. Either way.... I need her to target someone else! I'm thinking JG. JG was also one of the people who turned on Olivia. I don't know how he's not getting any heat for this. How close is he to Heather? Or is Heather just so desperate for votes she'll take anyone she can get? If I leave, I dont want to leave with an idol with me. I want it to at least be with Tara so she can keep herself safe. But I'm glad she has her own idol. I dont know who I can trust for this vote. Aundra is hesitant about turning on Heather because he feels close to her. I don't know what more I can tell Aundra to break the trust he has in her. Rebecka.... I love her. But she's a total wild card. Why do all her replies have to be so sketchy lmao. They're short, curt, and well thought out. Like she doesnt want to get caught in a lie or make herself vulnerable. But it just makes people not trust her. To me, the most dangerous players in the game right now are Rebecka and JG.

https://youtu.be/FIVgzQCxEmA

After talking with Ain and Tara they really opened my eyes up to what Heather is possibly doing she could be playing me and acting like she wants to go far and trust me so much just to get my trust but she’s going around talking to people telling basically that I owe her and she saved me so many times and all that stuff it’s really hard to know what true and what’s not at this point in the game because this is the point where the front runners come out of the dark and a lot of people in this cast could do that like they said only 3 people out of the 9 left have received votes that shows a lot the people of this game are very lowkey and undercover and that’s extremely hard to pull off yet majority of cast has I don’t know how I’ve made it this far but hopefully I’ll continue to make it and eventually win and if not win make it far and just go down in history as someone iconic and amazing

I feel really guilty I don’t want Heather to hate me I really feel like she’s going to simply because I was playing both sides and now her sides gone and I’m largely responsible for that hopefully she won’t hate me

I go on a moors hunt and read an inscription on a fountain that says "THERE IS POWER IN THE DUNGEON" EXCUSE ME! I JUST SPENT LIKE 3 YEARS IN THE DUNGEON! I don't know if I should go back or not. I mean all I have to do is not fight the paranormal spirits, then my strain and struggle will not make me exhausted, therefore maybe I will be able to find the power. Unless it is a false sign... UGHH I DON'T KNOW!!!

https://atomicsurvivor-isleofskye.tumblr.com/post/169130673851/merge-tribal-3

JG goes home 6-3-1

#ALostPuppyDog #episodes

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onemoredropinthegreatseaofmatter · 6 years

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12-5-17

As you may be able to guess, things have shifted quite drastically again. Shortly after my last post, shit hit the fan. My mouth got the best of me. I talked to one of the girls Dustin had been involved with about some of my judgments I had made of him after the party he and I attended together. She inevitably went back to him, repeating what I had said, and he saw some texts from me on her phone as well. It was foolish of me to say anything through text and foolish of me to confide in someone who was so madly infatuated with Dustin, especially given the situation we had all been in. But nonetheless, I am thankful that it happened because it uncovered layers of him I needed to see and it caused him to become something of a social recluse which is important for his development. He was very angry with me for a week or so, understandably. We eventually worked things out, resolved to be friends, then one day he asked me if I wanted to come over and take a shower with him. I’m laughing now. Of course I wanted to! So, I did. In the shower of his new house in which he lives now with a few friends, there are four shower heads! It’s a very large shower, something you might see in a porn movie... or maybe that was just my line of thinking. We made casual shower conversation as we washed our hair and our bodies. Toward the end when I suppose we both had finished up, I was faced away from him, allowing the water to wash down the front of my body. He came behind me and I felt his intoxicating lips on my neck. I swooned, nearly going limp as his arms wrapped around me, one holding my breast and the other rubbing my-- GOTTA STOP THERE BC IM AT THE LIBRARY AND DONT WANNA GET TOO WORKED UP.

Long story short, we had amazing sex that day--twice. That night, I had a really creepy dream about him. In the dream, I was at a restaurant with him. He was sitting at a table. I was walking around in the restaurant, socializing with many people, which he did not seem to enjoy. He was speaking on the phone with a friend, complaining to him about the things I was doing. Then all of a sudden the setting changed. I perceived a puppet show. It was a male and a female puppet, both resembling vampires in the way that their skin was pale white, hair black, clothes black and perhaps red eyes if I remember correctly. They were romantic partners of sorts. The female seemed in distress, the male in control. I remember having the feeling that I had seen this show many, many times but always stopped before it got to the “bad part”. I looked to the right of the display. There were people sitting in chairs, observing, laughing sadistically at the show and at my sudden realizations of the horrors that were taking place. I awoke beside Dustin in a cold sweat, terribly shaken. And not so much to my surprise, but definitely an omen, his unconscious self hissed at me “go away,” as he slept. Without hesitation, I moved further from him in the bed and went back to sleep.

There is much more to say but I only have thirty more minutes left in this internet session and need to focus on other things, so I will just leave with this: The next day he criticized my methods of meditation, said a bunch of divisive bullshit, and told me we need to just be friends. He and I are no longer in communication, as of December 3rd. I explained to him all the reasons I have grown to resent him and can not speak to him or associate myself with him in a very clear, grown up fashion.

I am so grateful for the response he gave because it has made it easy to let him go--

“Fuck you, too. It’s always something with you. I don’t get what you don’t understand. All because I said I don’t want a romantic relationship,” to which I said nothing. His number is blocked and I am very grateful to be letting go and moving on to the next chapter of my life. ~

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