#but this treatment is genuinely fucking with my self confidence
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HERE GOES (again) after I accidentally DELETED THE POST FIRST TIME AROUND -
anyway.
Foreman TRIES to act like the 'sensible rational man' in comparison to House's... Houseness, Chase's self-interest, and Cameron's desperate need to be the most moral person in any situation. It would be very easy to claim that the moments he slips up are because of 'House rubbing off on him' (not in the fun way) - which I think is even suggested in the ep where Foreman goes off to run his own dx department and gets fired for being too much like House.
But - NO. Do not do my babygirl such an injustice.
Foreman just SCREAMS 'guy who has carefully squashed every ounce of personality out of himself to create a worksona tailored to the expectations placed upon a doctor - and specifically at that, a Black male doctor working in a predominantly white area'. He's bland. He's inoffensive (unless he's talking about House lmao). He's kind and empathetic, in that slightly distant way of doctors (except for those episodes where he gets closer to a few patients and really shines). He's just.... a perfect carbon copy cut-out of a 'good doctor' from a textbook.
Until he joins the dx department, and is basically offered a key to the locked box of his own self. And he chooses to take that key and turn it, while clinging on to his Just A Friendly Normal Doctor persona. That's so interesting to watch!
I love that Foreman is the sort of guy who's had to work SO hard to prove himself, that he can't conceive of his own self-worth outside of being at the top. I love that he cares so much for his girlfriend that he crashes an entire double-blind experimental trial for her (WTF BUDDY). I love that he's a massive hypocrite. I love that he shows genuine professional compassion for a lot of the patients in a way that Chase.... doesn't, while Cameron gets too involved. I love that he places behind-the-scene bets on a patient's paternity, but later tells the parents with really touching sincerity that he can't adequately explain their proposed treatment so they'll understand, but they need to know that it's dangerous, it could kill their son, and they should agree to it anyway. I love that he pretends to roll his eyes at House's antics but couldn't stay away. I love that he carves out his own place in the department, and spouts vicious one-liners like "Only kind of mothering House wants involves a bullwhip, leather diapers, and a credit card". I love that he canonically has imposter syndrome and still gets the fear that he doesn't 'belong'. I love the fact that he's such a good fucking doctor that HOUSE TRUSTS HIM to spot a tumour that even House-the-genius can't see, and says 'that's good enough for me' when Foreman insists he saw it. And that if House leaves, Foreman's in charge, and that's just the way things are (and Foreman becomes more confident with this, too!) I love that he eventually gets to the point where he'll sing and dance with Chase and House after years of slowly getting to know them. I love that he KNOWS he eggs House on by acting as his Rational Stick-in-the-mud Foil, and does it anyway. I love that his personality is 100% the closest to House's out of all the ducklings, and he does his best to hide it - but becomes comfortable enough to let little peeks of chaos show.
I just think he's a very cool character okay
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#i should've just gatekept scott thompson from my college bc the way my college is treating me right now is bullshit#like i don't even want to do the scott event anymore bc of how they're treating me but i kind of have to#and i know i should be grateful they're even letting me be one of the interviewers but i hate being a student so much#i hate how nobody respects my opinion or input or experience even tho i'm literally the reason scott's even doing this event#(and ESPECIALLY the reason he's willing to do it for free!!)#and it especially stings bc scott has never made me feel like my insights were worth less because i'm a student#like he's always been one of the few people who consistently treat me like we're equals even tho he doesn't have to#and the way my college is treating me. it's like they don't trust me to not be an annoying little kid#like they're just assuming scott doesn't respect me so they don't have to respect me either#i mean on the plus side i'm supposed to have another phone call with scott either today or tomorrow so i can probably explain the situation#like i don't want to make him feel negatively about my college i want him to have a good time#but this treatment is genuinely fucking with my self confidence#and also maybe i can harness scott's power to hear ''don't talk about this thing'' and immediately make the interview all about this thing#(except in this case it would be him treating me like an equal instead of a random student)#and there's a bunch of bullshit currently going on with the class i have right after the event#so even tho originally i was like ''awesome i have the perfect schedule to bring scott to all of my classes!!''#i might just ask scott if he wants to skip class together and hang out. like i never promised that class anything#the only thing i *have* to do is the interview. the class we'd be skipping is already being like#''oh are you sure scott wants to visit the class i don't want to take him away from a better use of his time''#and scott was genuinely excited to see what my classes were like!! even if y'all didn't treat him like a big celebrity!!#but y'know what i'm sure scott does have a better use of his time. and i do too.#i'm gonna do the interview event bc i have to (we're in too deep at this point)#and i might ask scott if he wants to talk to that freshman film class about the buddy cole doc#bc 1. they offered to pay scott for that (they can't legally pay me but that's why i made the joke about money laundering)#2. since it's about the doc it's the one class where i get to be treated like an actual person#but other than that. damn it i was excited to share this part of my life with scott but fuck that this part of my life sucks#i'm gonna have a good time with scott in boston and my college is only going to be as much a part of is as they have to be#because we ARE friends (scott said so!) and i AM a brilliant filmmaker (bruce said so!) and i DO have potential (bellini said so!)#even tho it is hard to internalize those things after how much yesterday fucked me up. but that's ok scott will call again soon
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Percy,Miles and Jason are very important to me as the 'los tres amigos' trope because it's exactly a dynamic that fits and benefits all three of them
Miles is a soft sunshine boy who's clearly trans and autistic and a troubled kid so Percy would date adopt him as her little brother within three days TOPS of knowing him like she does every other character like that she meets in canon and Jason and her are the perfect setup for her classic enemies to frenemies due to being forced to work together to ride or die best friends she had with Thalia,Clarisse,Zoe and more and Miles is so sweet but has the same mouth running she does and Jason shares it too but he's got the same mean attitude she does so it's a perfect balance and she's got nothing to do with Bruce because they met straight after Utrh as a metaphor for Jason letting Bruce go for people he actually needs and wants and she ends up being part kryptonian because of old Jackson interdimensional shenanigans so Clark's her new dad instead of Poseidon's deadbeat ass and she can actually enjoy the revelation after processing it because it's a Sally thing
Miles never gets included in crossovers despite his whole franchise being about interdimensional hoping and making platonic soulmates along the way and the most recent installment having him break canon word for word because he knows better and i think we all know WHY the DC fandom obsessively ignores him despite their famous motto and why him and Percy have zero content together despite all their parallels but as someone who's read everything Jason's in and watched and played most of his adaptions and games,i know for a fact he's the only male superhero Jason would instantly like and that Miles would be fond of him back and there's good angst and darker storylines potential with Jason not outright telling him what he does for a living and the leadup and aftermath to the reveal and Percy being willing to kill too from the start makes things all the more interesting and on a lighter note,they'd give him special treatment 24/7 and initially only stick to eachother for his sake and their influence makes him tougher and more self-confident and he gets a Blue Lantern ring and Apollo's Blessing out of pure awe at his sheer artistic talent and love for his craft
And Jason gets an actual legit canon team,something DC has NEVER given him the grace of and yeah that's a pun but fr his and Artemis' dynamic and her lore remixes are literally the only good thing to come out Rhato.Instead of the Roy and Kory fuckery,Jason gets Miles,who he genuinely likes as a person and loves hanging out with and he fumbles sometimes but is good older brother at the end of the day and Miles makes him be good again without even trying just like he does pretty much everybody he interacts with that's got some fucked up shit going on and Percy,who's allowed to be not just a female lead but a trans woman one and is on equal grounds with him because again,he actually likes who she is and loves spending time with her inspite of their bickering and Miles and Percy get powerUPS instead of powerDOWNED and are allowed to be just as their own as him instead of walking talking props that aren't even good for him,much less him them.Also,Spider Mutant Jason that ended up that way because of constant exposure to Miles' spiderperson dna + Lazarus Pit dna + Middle name is deadass 'Peter' and he learns how to make special greek mythos items for backup
It's such a random ass crossover on the surface but there's a reason it's and they're called The Anomalies!!!They're supposed to be weird,not fuckass sanatized fandom tropes,they're supposed to find home in eachother,they're supposed to be stories told in the form of characters and sick as fuck powers and layered jokes and wholesome cheesiness that feels genuine because it IS genuine on my part and everybody else i've gotten into it has the same feelings on them i do!!!!Call me Odysseus the way i care them so much🤞🏾🤞🏾🤞🏾
#the anomalies#percy jackson#persephone jackson#miles morales#jason todd#transfem percy jackson#black percy#latino percy#afrolatino jason supremacy#autistic percy jackson#autistic miles#autistic jason todd#team mom percy jackson#kidcore!miles morales#pastel punk miles morales#goth punk jason todd#transmascfem miles morales#trans miles morales#miles gets the princess treatment#pastel punk percy jackson#pjo#hoo#atsv#spiderman#batfam#utrh#sunbell#flowerghost#summerposting
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ok so i’ve just been feeling. real normal. the thing with angela is that i really really feel like a looooot of people refuse to see her as a complicated, nuanced, and EXTREMELY complex character in favor of disliking or hating her from reasons ranging from her treatment of the sephiriah in lobcorp to point blank misogyny. and like, im not saying you can’t dislike her. like and dislike whatever characters you want. but what’s really annoying is when people actively ignore core aspects of the story or the things that Led to angela becoming the way she was because it’s more convenient or just because they Don’t Like Her. every relationship she has including the one with herself and with carmen as two clearly different people by the end of ruina is messy and complicated turned up to the absolute fucking maximum. it’s easy to paint angela as the villain of the story at first, because that was…..the point. that’s what she was trying to do. in lobcorp she was keeping herself safe by playing that cruelty until it genuinely became an inescapable part of her that guarded the love that carmen (and then Angela by proxy) had for others. it kept her very clearly safe from the things she had to watch, the things she had to do and manage, and how she could never comfort a single person about the hell they were in, NOR could she confide in anyone else. playing off that, i think you could also definitely compare that idea of angela purposefully playing her cruelty up as a purposeful antithesis on her part to carmen’s whole theme of being perfect and their savior. by the lobcorp we play when we finish the 50 days, shes given up trying to be carmen, trying to be good, and is solely focused on herself— and that’s another thing too!!!! to a degree it wasn’t even focused on herself that heavily! a major part of her stealing the light was so that she could spite ayin and spit in the face of his plans, everything he had done for carmen’s “greater good”. angela playing (up) the bad guy is a purposeful thing!!! she’s doing it for a variety of reasons too: she’s trying to keep herself emotionally safe, she’s trying to double down to be as far away from carmen as possible, she’s trying to keep the sephiriah unattached to her and make them similarly cold to the way she is to minimize the pain they have to deal with. and it’s not like angela learned those ideas of “for the greater good” from nowhere. COUGHS.
sorry this is so long im just. so annoyed. i love you angie. im so sorry people don’t get you.
POINTS !!! POINTS AND CHEERS. GOD yeah that part of her character fucking KILLS ME so bad its fucking insane... i never leave my funy lil circle of mutuals so i am not exposed to The Bullshit(tm) but girlies... girlies weve had an ENTIRE GAME t go over this... every day i think abt that one post thats "Congratulations! You have fallen for the ruse this character has put up." bc like. [waves hands around]. MAN.
AND ESPECIALLY LIKE... that purposeful distance makes me think really hard about th pale librarian ending too; presenting herself in a way that breaks that bond before that bond inevitably breaks her-- constantly preparing for the worst because the worst is just what is always given to her. and how she allowed herself to forge a bond between herself and roland, one that ultimately ends up burning her yet again, and becoming a tie she has to snap with her own hands. how this completely reinforces her own self-defensive (and self-destructive) instincts, which ultimately lead to her doubling down on it in confronting the sephirah, ending up completely alone... thinks abt it real hard.
just!!!! grabs and SHAKES.... they werent kidding these hands really are in unloveable hands................... insufferable. iwould kill for them. if anyone is mean to angela ever im exploding them with my mind lasers.
#long post#PAWLOCHEESE IF MY RESPPONSE IS SCRAMBLED iam as they say: scrambled#but i think abt it so so much. literally cannot look at ppl talk abt ruinacorp w/o Intense vetting bc if i hear anyone give angela any mess#its on sight! it is Just on sight! nothing i can do abt this bc im Right; shrimply.#nothing in my brain but a single rotating png of her. u understand.#piktalk#projmoon#also i need u t know how DEEPLY funny it was catching this in my notifs and seeing Nothing but a 50x50 px AyinJumpscare.png JSNFJDH#to everyone able 2 interact w th community at large: 1) You Are So Powerful. 2) I Am So Sorry.#AND ALSO HOKMA'S ''You still are awfully dishonest.'' IS RIGHT!! THERE!!!!!! GOD!!!!!!!!
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Buffy fandom content that’s largely “let’s shame the spuffy and spike girlies!” (girlies used genderlessly) by constantly telling us how bad/wrong/fucked up/sick/crazy/in need of therapy we are under the guise of “concern” for us is so crazy and so funny and so embarrassing for those creators because they’re literally just joss whedon 2.0:
Hating/shaming/finger wagging and acting morally superior to a character/ship and their fans but at the same time being COMPLETELY dependent on said character/ship/fans you spend the majority of your time dumping on!! Like what on earth would you do for content if you took away the thing you spend 70-90% of your time shitting on??? Angel only got a 5th season BECAUSE of Spike - do you realize how crazy that is??? Joss spent all this time trying and failing to destroy Spike’s character because “it wasn’t the Spike show” (screamed in James’ face by joss as he is pinning him against a wall - there’s a guy who’s footsteps you want to follow in!) and then he’s using Spike as a way to save Angel just a few years later 💀💀💀 THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING FOR JOSS AND ANGEL 😹😹😹😹
Like I am so sorry you do not understand spuffy and spike - truly. If you don’t love him and spuffy I genuinely feel sad for you because you are missing out on SO MUCH FUN, beauty, gut wrenching heart ache, angst, healing, tenderness, absolute poetry and all around sexy, slutty time - spuffy is the ship that has EVERYTHING, performed by two absolutely PHENOMENAL actors with bonkers chemistry. Spuffy just is that girl proven by the fact that the haters are making podcasts and writing books just to shit on us (like we didn’t already cover all of it enough from the show’s creator, the patriarchy and the show itself???) DECADES later 😹😹😹
So my darling Spuffys - please don’t take these people’s misogyny and self hatred to heart. I know we’re all often chronically misunderstood and it can be so frustrating to witness a beloved character or ship endure the same treatment of being so horribly misunderstood and to see others support them but truly they’re just FURIOUS angel didn’t do what Spike did and that he doesn’t waste his time moping and hating himself and helps buffy to do the same. They’re hating from outside a club they can’t even get into because they don’t have the media literacy, emotional intelligence, and self confidence in who they are as people to love characters who are naughty and have fun doing it 😈
#if you googled internalized misogyny in queer women the prophecy girls podcast would be the first search result lol#everything I’ve learned about the takes on that podcast are against my will and they just keep getting worse#also thinking about the gossip column turned into a book inte every generation a slayer is born#that shit was unreadable 😹#spuffy#spuffy meta#spike and buffy#spike btvs#media literacy not everyone has it and that’s a real bummer#how you gonna hate from outside of the club when you can’t even get in#proving once again haters are in fact gonna hate cuz it’s all they know how to do
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things i personally find really attractive in men (shameless hornyposting):
*big shredded forearms, specially if they are hairy and poking through rolled up sleeves. i only care about big biceps in as far as they are necesary for well balanced forearms but the forearms are the point
*nerdy, slightly awkward, slightly shy, maybe a little inexperienced in sex, i wanna live the fantasy of me being the hot chick that gives this poor boy the best night of his life/finally the chance of tasting the forbidden fruit
*sideburns, particularly if mixed with glasses, and maybe a moustache, but not a pencil moustache or an otto von bismark moustache or a perfectly trimmed moustache but that scruffy, whispy, moustache, i want my man to feel like a jack russell terrier
*maybe a slightly disheveled beard, not like fully grown proper beard, not a 5 am shadow either, just some scruff
*curly, wavy, unruly hair. the kind of hair that is easy to push up and it can stay like that with very little support. or maybe falling on a mop over his forehead. maybe some white hairs, salt and pepper, or a fully grey beard mixed with black hair. conversely young but with grey hair is also good
*tall and chubby, i need a snorlax, i want that man to be my futon, i want to date baymax
*if not chubby still with some pudge, or enough meat on their bones that they dont look dehydrated, i dont want cut abs or vacuum sealed muscles, i want to feel like im dating a human not an anatomy textbook
*kind of a horndog, easy to please, again, this is about feeling desired, i want to feel like im fulfilling this man's fetishes just by existing, i want him to see me as his waifu, i want the sex doll treatment, i want to give this fella premature ejaculation, and then to keep going until i make him finish again and again, t to make him happy.
*i want him to have a really big toolbox or a workshop and i want him to let me play with his toys whenever i want for whatever i want
*i want him to be oh so excited to talk with me about the same interests and hobbies i have
*he can only wear coats and dress shits and vests and big thick wooly sweaters, i want his to look like a early 20th century whaler or like he is part of a research team in the arctic.
*i want him to smile, to have a genuine, big, doofy smile that beams like the sun
*they have to have strong and well founded opinions about economics as long as they are not completly deranged, i have a low bar for this and i can accept a wide range of perspectives on the matter.
*chill, confident, at ease, up for anything, full "fuck it we ball" energy, comfortable in their own skin. that self assurednes that relaxes you because you know they got their shit together and they can roll with whatever and you dont have to worry or take care of them too much.
*a guy who is just a good reliable friend, a solid dude, a trusted companion, a good lad, a buddy, a chum, even
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hi guys.
MASSIVE CW/TW for medical misconduct, strong language, disability, talk of Death and dying, transphobia / enbyphobia, and personal drama below the cut. I genuinely have no clue what to do anymore.
Also no, this isn't gonna be me asking for money or anything. I'm fine there. It's literally everything else that's the problem.
also long post.
Okay, I'm terrified and I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I keep forgetting to call my doctor, and I'm also actively trying to find a new, different doctor, but every single site to do that is either down or inaccessible as fuck. He won't answer me on the website that's supposed to let you get in touch with your doctor, and as far as I know there's no way to report him for anything he's doing to me.
I have a paper trail now and will be calling him Dr K, since he refers to himself like that in one of the screenshots I have.
For a bit of backstory, I have Graves Disease. Fucking love the name, great choice. Graves Disease is a sub-genre of hyperthyroidism, a typically genetic disease in which your thyroid- a butterfly-shaped gland located at the front of the throat that regulates your metabolism- starts over-producing hormones and doesn't stop. I've had it since middle school.
Here they are in all their glory. For context on how bad this shit can get, my RESTING heart rate BPM was around 100. When I started running around, it got up OVER 200. THAT'S ENOUGH TO GIVE SOMEONE A HEART ATTACK. I was in middle school at the time, so adjust for how much smaller my body was, but STILL. Still terrible numbers, and I was literally in grave danger by the time I got treated.
(wow i love that its called graves disease haha such a funny name WHO NAMED THIS DISEASE I JUST WANNA FUCKING TALK)
So, since I'm 20, it's safe to assume I have the lifelong/chronic variant at this point (it festered for at least 6 months before I started getting treatment, and though it has gotten a bit better with time, not by much).
I don't care if I have to be on meds forever, that's not the problem. The problem is everything else.
Enter my two doctors, Dr M and Dr K.
Dr M was first, he was my childhood doctor and he's the one who originally started treating me. I don't remember much about him, just that he frustrated me constantly because he never listened. I'd tell him that my symptoms got worse after he lowered my dosage, and instead of talking to me about that, he'd point at a chart full of numbers that I don't understand and say "well your numbers look good so." and then proceed to continue lowering my dosage again until it because obvious to him that I was telling the truth, in which he'd up my dosage.
Now, as a kid, I was very much not outspoken. I still am not. I've never been very pushy about anything and always let people walk all over me, so I only really ever got listened to when the "numbers" started to reflect what I was saying. And yeah, my self-confidence it a whole other conversation and I do need to work on that, but also... part of being a doctor is to listen to your patient, right? So no matter how quiet or afraid I was, I should still have been heard out and treated like a person and not a goddamn statistic.
Then, I turned 18. I had until I was 19 to find an "adult" doctor, and Dr M kept seeing me until that could happen. But I had no idea how the fuck to do that. And no one explained it to me. I needed to be sat down and shown exactly how to do it step-by-step, but that never happened. I never got the help I needed.
April 7th, 2022, I turned 19 years old. Time was up, and I still didn't have a different doctor. I had no clue where to start.
I was living on my own now. I had an apartment I'd been staying in for a little less than a year, had a terrible home life with my roommates, had a 3rd shift 10 and a half-hour job + college, and no new doctor. I got one last prescription refill from Dr M, and then that was it. I wasn't allowed to see him anymore.
I kept putting off finding a new doctor because I was preoccupied with The Horrors™, something else that traumatized me last year that lasted from November 2021 to late October 2022. It went on for a literal year and I still haven't recovered from it at all, but again, that's a whole other can of worms that I cannot open yet. But the point is that I was in the mental warzone at the time, and just... never thought about a new doctor.
July 2022.
My 3 months of prescription were over. I was on the wrong dosage, and my symptoms were flaring up. BAD. And I still didn't have a doctor. Time to panic. I don't remember what happened, but my dad was able to help me find a doctor named Dr K, and we set up an appointment- 3 days before the last of my meds would have run out.
I just had to make it til then, then everything would be okay, right? I wasn't going to die- I wasn't going to die. I had to hold onto that. i wasn't going to die.
I saw him, he was able to get me on proper meds, and my dosage was upped from half a pill twice a day to 2 pills twice a day. MUCH better, it helped a lot. Thank fuck, I'm not going to die.
I thought that, maybe, finally, I got a doctor who would listen. But he doesn't. He fucking doesn't. He does the exact same thing as Dr M and only looks at "the numbers" and doesn't listen to what I'm telling him.
Fast forward to now. I am still processing The Horrors™, have (C?)PTSD, I have a new eating disorder that not even the doctors are sure wtf it is (might be ARFID? But they genuinely have no idea, I'm in a weird grey area, so THAT'S comforting), I have new weakness in my legs and arms that they don't know how that got there, I've fallen 3 times, and Graves Disease gave me an eye disease that can make me go blind if untreated. Awesome.
...Dr K still isn't listening.
My most recent appointment with him was last month, when I went to get a normal follow-up. Apparently they forgot to do labs for his stuff and just did them for my eating disorder, so he doesn't really have much to go off of in terms of "the numbers" and I'm the one who takes the blame for it, not the labwork people who forgot to take my labs while I was there getting labs. Fine. Whatever.
I tell him about my symptoms flaring back up, and he continues going on about my "numbers". Points at a graph I can't read. "Your numbers look fine." What does that mean? Idk, he didn't tell me.
During that visit, he brought up with me that I want to have top surgery. I say yes, and then he starts going off about how I need to start HRT before they can do the surgery. I ask why, and he tells me that it's just how they do things. I have to be on HRT for at least 6 months before I can get the surgery I want.
Now, I am transmasc (nonbinary). I am not against HRT, but it's not something I'm sure I want yet. I tell him as such, and he then states that "well since you're still confused, you should talk to a therapist first and then we'll go from there." BITCH I'M NOT CONFUSED. I JUST DON'T WANT HRT RIGHT NOW. I have 50 other medical problems to worry about, I'm not in a good position to start it even IF I WANTED TO. WHICH I DO NOT. I just know I want the surgery! That's it!
I tell him as such, and he keeps insisting that I'm just confused in what I want and basically said that I'm not trans enough to warrant a surgery if I don't want HRT.
Great. Well, now I'm pissed.
Two days later, I hopped onto a Discord server and asked if I was right in thinking that what he said was wrong, and everyone agreed that yeah, what he told me was fucked up. I even brought this up with my parents, who- although they do support me as an individual- are mildly transphobic, and even THEY agreed that what he told me was fucked up. I should not be FORCED into anything like that because I'm "not trans enough," that's BULLSHIT.
Anyway. At the end of my original visit with him, he sent me to get the labwork done same-day and then told me he would update me with what we were going to do.
Last Thursday, August 3rd, I got a phone call saying that he was canceling my prescription altogether.
My meds, which- as a reminder- SAVED ME FROM DYING LAST YEAR, which I know for a FACT I need to live since I was on death's doorstep just for being on the wrong dosage of these meds- yeah fuck em. You don't need them. "Your numbers are good."
The goal has been to ween me off. Slowly but surely reduce my pills a little at a time to slowly ween my body off the medication. I'm taking 30 mg a day. THIS IS NOT WEENING.
Now, I do make a comment I'm not proud of in the following screenshot, but the context is that I had already asked what the numbers meant and got brushed aside for it, both as a kid AND a teenager. I am now 20. So, of course, the "I'm not a kid anymore" thing pops up here, like the fucking cliche that I am. But I have not edited these screenshots except to blot out my picture. I refuse to edit them, just so it's crystal clear the BULLSHIT I'm dealing with.
I went onto the website and sent my doctor some questions, because I was rightfully afraid of what would happen if I suddenly couldn't take medication that I need to live. And the answer I got? Well, look.
I just took these screenshots as I was making this post.
Yeah, so ignoring the "I'm not a kid anymore" comment (I knew I would regret writing that and I did it anyway, go me), I feel like I was professional and careful with my wording here, right? I asked each question and explained why I was asking in-depth in hope of answers. And, I numbered those questions to ensure all 4 got addressed. And all I got was MORE questions.
And he never answered. That was August 7th. It's the 10th now. And I'm suffering. My symptoms are coming back more and more each day, and I've been trying desperately to ween myself off of meds so it's not the literal sudden change that he wants for my body. And also like, I'm sorry but am I reading this right? WHAT THE FUCK DOES "NORMAL HYPERTHYROIDISM RANGE" MEAN?? DO YOU WANT ME TO GET WORSE? RESET ME BACK TO ZERO? UNDO ALL THE PROGRESS I'VE MADE? CUZ ITS WORKING.
Sitting here writing this, my thyroid hurts. I can feel the swelling going up. You can hold it between two fingers now. I'm in pain when you tug on it in a certain direction, which used to be a comforting motion of mine. My resting BPM is going back up fast, the swelling behind my eyes is getting worse (which, again, COULD MAKE ME GO BLIND), and I was super reliant on my cane for balance today, not just the weakness in my knee/hip region that I'd been using it for. I'm getting worse FAST.
I am no stranger to Death. Honestly, my relationship with Death has gone from fearful to almost friendly over time. I feel like we know each other well, they and I. After nearly drowning at age 7, I feel like we've built a pretty uncommonly close relationship with each other. I've looked into the void, it looked back, shook its head and told me to try again. Many times. Not many other people can say that.
Death has given me many chances. I keep getting lucky. But, y'know, after dancing with Death for the majority of my life and being visited by them at least twice a year at this point, you'd think I'd start to figure out the steps to keep up with them, right? Well, you underestimate my ability to dance, ever. All it takes is a touch, and Death will have me.
"Just get a new doctor!" I still don't know how, and when I want to try? The website was down (which isn't the same website as the one I use to talk to Dr K, it's a completely different site).
"Call the office and keep calling them until you get answers!" A) phone calls are scary, B) the nurses aren't going to have the answers I need, only the doctors will, and C) you can't just call your doctor, not in this fucking day and age. If I want an appointment, I gotta book it out by months.
This morning, all I had was a half a pill. I'm running low on meds, and I'm trying to take them only as needed, and with as little as possible, to preserve them for as long as I can. But with all this happening, I... I want to take another half, but that would do more harm in the end than good since I'd have less for later. My dad suggested a Tylenol, since my throat is inflamed and that might make the swelling go down (but it wouldn't address the issue in that my thyroid is making far more hormones than it should be). So now I have to choose.
I had a panic attack over this earlier. I looked up to pick up a box from a tall shelf and fell backwards- the same thing that finally convinced my parents that something might actually have been wrong with me and got me to see a doctor 6 months too late originally. Only difference is that there's no broken plate this time. All I did was look up and I stumbled backwards into the wall.
I don't want to die. Oh, stars, I don't want to die. But they're not going to refill my prescription, and I'm 86% sure my doctor is doing this on purpose because of the trans thing (you could hear it in his tone, but that's not really proof of anything). He won't explain himself, and then proceeded to ignore me when I asked for answers. I need a new doctor, but I don't know how to get one, and the website is STILL DOWN.
I'm fucked. I'm actually fucked.
Death has been kind to me before. I just have to trust that they'll be kind to me again. And I know personifying something like Death is fucking stupid but it's all I have left at this point.
I don't want to die, stars I don't. Been there done that. I just want to feel okay. I just want to feel safe. But in this body, I'll never feel safe. My Graves will never go away, and my throat is closing up what with the inflamation, and I'm in pain, and my eyes hurt, and my eating disorder keeps taking more and more away from me, and I could barely make it through fucking mini golf earlier, so how the fuck am I going to go back to work like this?! They're going to fire me, and then what? Do I just lay down and die?! Let it happen? Because if THIS is all my life is going to be, fighting just for the right to be alive from the people who are SUPPOSED to be helping me STAY alive, then what is the fucking point?!
I should clarify; I am not suicidal. I DON'T WANT TO DIE. I just want to feel okay. Please, stars, that's all I want. I just want to feel safe. I just want to feel loved. I just want to feel happy. I just want to feel like it all meant something, that I can push through and use my own suffering to lift others up so they don't have to suffer like I did. The point is to ease other's suffering as much as I can. That's all I've ever wanted. But all I do is bring others down with me, because of things that are out of my control.
i'm tired. i'm hot. i'm hungry. i can't eat. i'm angry. i'm emotionless. i'm exhausted. i'm cold. i feel sick. i'm in pain. i'm numb. i just want it to be over. i want to push through. i want to give in. i want it all to stop. i want to feel safe.
...I'm gonna try the Tylenol. I can't afford to take any more of my meds.
hah, i'm like doug from portal. save em for the end times.
I just... what if my dad is right and this is all in my head? Like, it's fucking not, I can FEEL the inflamation getting bigger both on my skin and in my throat, but... what if? What if all of this is just anxiety? What if this is all just a result of my trauma from last year? fuck man, idk. i need help, and not even my therapist knows how to give it to me. i'm lost. i don't know who to talk to or who can help me.
im sorry. I'm still going to try to make as positive an impact as I can while I'm still here, but... stars, I just don't know how much time I have.
If you made it this far, take a second and count your blessings, okay? Take the time to wave to friendly faces of your past, remember things you did and people you've met. Remember your favorite childhood bookseries, or your favorite TV show. Appreciate the people closest to you. Hug your pet. Hug your siblings. Send your guardians a text appreciating them for the good memories they've given you, if you can.
Breathe. You're alive. Somehow, someway... you're alive. And isn't that wonderful? To defy the very nature of science that we still don't understand, to plant your feet on the ground and go "no, I'm here and I am alive and I live for myself"? That's incredible.
I'm alive, too. By stars I'm alive. And I'm not gonna go anywhere until I'm forced from this earth kicking and screaming. And I'm gonna try my goddamn best to make sure that every day is as good as it can be, for everyone around me. For myself.
Fuck it, we only have so much time. We gotta make the best of it, eh? Good memories. I want to go thinking about good memories. Laughter. Friends.
Maybe that could be enough.
#dimond speaks#vent#cw vent#vent post#personal vent#vent tw#cassie don't look#ask to tag#tw sui ment#sui ment#im not suicidal though dw- the opposite is true
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Ok I did a post on my headcanons for OrangeJuiceVerse Stan not too long ago, and uhhhhh it’s Kyle’s turn.
• This mf has a whole complex about needing to “save” everyone around him, his whole life, and his partner receives the height of that. Kenny also got the brunt of it for a time, and Kyle considered himself and Stan to be their friend’s surrogate parents. He still worries, even though Kenny is a self made man later.
• on a similar note, Kyle is particularly protective of those he cares for, but not really himself. Once, in middle school, Cartman thought he was being funny and called Stan a “washed up alcoholic just like his father” and Kyle FUCKING DECKED HIM. It took half the schoolyard to break them up, and landed him in anger management counseling for a hot minute. That incident was also what triggered Cartman to work on himself a little, and Kyle will always be proud of that.
• For a while, Kyle was EXTREMELY pissed that he never grew taller than 5’7, and was the smallest on the basketball team until the one season Kenny joined, and he actually resented Sheila for giving him “short angry ginger genes” but he doesn’t mind so much when he grows up. He is still terrified of being perceived as weak, though.
•that whole thing gets worse whenever he has a bad leg day, and he deflects onto those around him harder than ever when he’s feeling vulnerable. He’s pretty guarded by nature, and hates needing help sometimes.
•the guy has ocd. It shows itself more when he’s stressed.
•IS NOT a fan of the outdoors, but puts up with hikes and camping trips for Stan’s sake.
•if you ask what his biggest fear is, he’ll usually say something along the lines of “not leaving an impact on the world”. OJV Kyle needs to be needed, and genuinely tries to be a positive influence. (Btw if u ask Stan the same question, he says “losing Kyle”) fuck.
•Kyle is THE number one hypeman for his friends, and especially his partner, and he can talk up a storm about any of them. He’s just so proud of everyone in his life, and gets way too worked up.
•he tends to overthink everything, particularly back in high school, with his relationship with Stan. However, he did make the first move, newly confident and smitten after his super best friend was so supportive and sweet during his eating disorder treatment. He asked if he could kiss him, Stan said yes, they kissed, Stan said “thanks, dude”, burst into tears, and then Kyle laughed as he held him. The moment was mentioned in their wedding speeches, and Stan cried again. Kyle holds that kiss close to his heart forever.
•Kyle HATES when people shut him out, because how is he supposed to be there for them otherwise? He gets scared every time Stan goes through a Sad Sack episode, because he can’t lose him either.
•diabetic Kyle frfr, and after the ed, he got a dexcom. Cartman called him a “jewbot”, and that was the last time Kyle kicked his ass. He does like not having to inject his insulin himself, but hates the constant reminder on his body that he’s stuck with a condition he can’t get rid of.
•Stan and Kenny participated in blood drives whenever they could as teenagers and in college, and while Kyle couldn’t for obvious reasons, he was there to drive them to and from, make sure they ate, and to make way too big a deal about it. The two of them, and even Cartman, donated in his name senior year, just so he could still get a red cord for graduation. He cried in public, and felt embarrassed.
•NEVER considered himself to be that much of an animal person, but when Stan came home with a little brown cat he’d already dubbed “Moose” for the sake of being funny, Kyle fell in love. He likes having something to take care of that won’t object to his overbearingness.
•he loves to play video games but DESPISES anything puzzle based. As smart as he is, he gets frustrated easily and happily lets Stan take over anything that doesn’t have explicit instructions.
•speaking of instructions, he’s a great cook and picked up a love of it growing up. His mother taught him all she knows, and the precise nature of baking in particular calms him.
•his love language is ABSOLUTELY words of affirmation, and he has that in common with Tweek. Stan can be incredibly oblivious sometimes, and Kyle’s had more than a few breakdowns over the years about having to ask to be told he’s doing a good job, that he’s a worthwhile person, and his heart breaks every time Stan gets apologetic over not validating him enough. He was unbelievably giddy that Stan said “I love you” first.
•Kyle didn’t think he’d like pet names, but being called “baby”, and “darling” make him melt. “Dude” is also something that gained a romantic meaning, and holy shit he goes wild for Stan calling him “my love” in elvish. They love roleplaying, especially Stan’s nerd ass, but Kyle is competitive about not being the first to break character. Usually all it takes is Kyle being tender with his “knight” for Stan to lose it, and it’s hilarious.
•he pretends to hate the dumbass puns Stan makes whenever something needs fixing around the house, but the toolbelt, rolled up sleeves, and yes, the jokes about “drilling” get him hot and bothered. Not quite as much as the elf king/ knight roleplay, but STILL.
•they’re both incredibly loud during sex. Their first time was awkward and took hours to figure out, and Mister Brightside was playing once they got the hang of it. He also loves that Stan let’s him take the lead when it comes to intimacy, never wanting to let Kyle feel at the mercy of a bigger man unless he explicitly asks for it. They check in with each other constantly and it’s very sweet. Moose is not allowed in the room until they’re both dressed again.
•Kyle runs hot when he sleeps but doesn’t like to walk around shirtless. He runs hot in general, really, which is why Kenny and Stan clung to him all the time growing up in the snow. Will not turn the heat on in his car unless it’s truly below freezing.
•so. The orange juice thing. The Kyle Matthew Broflovski Special came into existence because even though he CONSISTENTLY denies it, he’s rather picky and prone to nostalgia. His favorite cup is cracked and faded, but the Terrance and Phillip on the side are still clear as day in his heart. He claims that nothing gets his blood sugar up when it’s too low like orange juice with seven ice cubes and a pinch of salt, other than the sweet kiss from Stan he receives along with it.
•started off in premed in college, but his first psychology class had him hooked. Any way he can help other people, he’s there.
•quit the basketball team senior year of hs for a few reasons. He was nose to the grindstone academically, wasn’t the player he used to be prior to fucking up half the tendons in his knee, and though he’d never tell him, the main reason he quit when he did was in solidarity with Stan. Because Stan broke his throwing arm early into his last ever football season, and Kyle wasn’t about to let him miss out on sports alone. He was always a little jealous about how well his boyfriend healed from that, but the pair had always been that way. Stan bounced back where Kyle didn’t, and vice versa.
•after that first AA meeting he attended with Stan, he didn’t drink for a long time. Partly out of support (and fear) but partly because he didn’t know if that was allowed and he didn’t want to ask. It wasn’t until Kenny and Marj’s wedding a few months later, when Kenny apologized profusely for not thinking about the open bar being a potential trigger, and Stan assuring him that it was fine, that he wasn’t upset and wouldn’t care if others around him drank, that Kyle had a few glasses of wine. He then proceeded to let the love of his life fuck him over the hotel counter, twist his bad knee in his tipsy carelessness, and allow his knight in shining armor to carry him to the truck the next morning. They both found it funny, Kyle letting go in celebration like he had, but their own wedding was strictly dry. Randy was kicked out by an angry Kyle halfway through the reception for daring to bring a flask. Craig and Kyle have outstanding bistro meetups when their husbands are at AA. they don’t order more than a few drinks.
• People tend to cry a lot around him, but he likes being their safe space. With the kids at the school where he works, and with his friends and husband.
•Kyle came out as gay in 8th grade, first to Stan, then to his mom, and then to the rest of the people in his life. No one was even a little surprised, but he didn’t care. Kenny was already out as pan, Marj following shortly after with accepting that she was actually a girl, and Stan had admitted that he wasn’t particularly straight shortly before confessing his feelings to Kyle. Wendy knew before him, which Kyle was only a little offended by.
•he acts like he hates being told he’s attractive, but is actually really insecure and slightly vain about his appearance. That wasn’t the reason behind the high school ed, even though some people (Cartman) thought it was. General feelings of inferiority, overcompensation; Kyle’s all to familiar with the lingo.
•OLDEST. DAUGHTER. COMPLEX. Kyle’s not a daughter, but the baggage of that mindset with him is wild.
•stress cleans. Stan can usually get him to calm down, but he’s the only one who can.
•his relationship with Cartman changed dramatically as they grew up, and his longtime frenemy had his own way of caring by the time they all were teenagers. He was still blunt and crass, an asshole, but maintained that HE was the only one allowed to rip on the guys. Kyle actually stopped calling him “fatass” for a while after outpatient, until Cartman complained about him being an “overly sensitive little anorexic bitch now” and that “he wasn’t a snowflake like that”. That exchange was what told him that Cartman was just as reluctant for anything to change as he was.
•he’s really close with Wendy and Bebe, Tolkien, Clyde, everyone from their class really. His original friend group, now with the addition of Craig and Tweek, will always be the closest.
•Kyle was the one who suggested the apartment complex that he and Stan moved to after college. The older couples who lived there were more than happy to meet some “young folks”, and they all do fireworks and a parking lot party on holidays. Stan mans the grill unless Kenny drives down to join, and wears Kyle’s stupid Star of David apron. It’s hot, and he definitely gets rewarded for it after the celebrations die down.
•Kyle still doesn’t keep kosher, because he doesn’t like to stare at ingredients and nutrition information on packaging, which Stan refers to as “the food lore”. If something might be iffy for him as a diabetic, whoever he’s with checks, and only tells him enough to know if he’s going to need to compensate medically. He started attending synagogue more often after Stan started his sobriety journey, and definitely maintains his faith. It’s comforting to believe in a higher power, even if that means relenting some control.
•the “Style Wedding” is an odd mix of traditional and non traditional things, naturally, but Kyle wears a yarmulke with his elf king crown and smashes the glass after vows. They cut the cake with a sword from the scabbard Stan wore with his suit, and The Reins of Castamere is strictly forbidden from the dj station. Kyle sometimes wishes they would’ve splurged for New Zealand for the honeymoon, but they wanted to take that particular trip when they were older.
• Kyle gets oddly close with Shelley over the years, and doesn’t complain that she calls him “turdling”. It’s nice to have an older sibling, and they truly argue like siblings.
•speaking of, Ike and Stan RELISH in being obnoxious on rp games. Kyle will wake up for water at 3 am to hear Stan in the office talking in a ridiculous accent and wander in to watch him wreak havoc on an innocent gta server as “Mattress Mike” or something. It’s really cute how into roleplay his husband can get, especially teamed up with his nuisance of a little brother.
•Kyle thinks he’s a good driver, but the road rage is terrifying. He’s a fantastic passenger princess, though.
•he can out argue everyone on this planet excluding his mother, and WILL. He’s not very big or intimidating, but he’s scarily smart and goes for the throat. When he and Stan fight, it’s incredibly petty and doesn’t last long, but they know each other too well not to know how to cut deep. Kyle regrets his part in any conflict every time.
• At his core, Kyle cares too much about everything. Is that a bad thing? Sometimes. But more often than not, it’s something he likes about himself.
This is so many hcs I’m sorry lmao but just… KYLE
and here’s the link to OrangeJuiceVerse if anyone’s down, it’s my favorite ongoing au that I’ve come up with
#south park#fandom#sp fanfiction#style au#ao3 shit#my shit#headcanons#help i love kyle#i had to#this is so much#but like style#I’m such a Kyle gremlin#ramblings#PastorCraigEnjoyer#series#OrangeJuiceVerse#totally not even sorry#this is so long
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i’m constantly torn between loving myself and accepting my flaws versus changing what’s making me insecure and succumbing to beauty standards. for instance, i want a better body but do i only want it because of societal pressure to look my best? because i’ll be treated better? should i embrace my acne scars or should i get treatment to change it bc it’s deemed as unattractive? idk i always feel so guilty when i get insecure and want to change something about myself because i know that this is what society wants but “embrace your flaws” is always playing in my head as well.
babe :( well i just want you to know that it's completely valid to feel like this. being a girl in this day and age is really fucking hard, what w all the expectations society places on us in terms of beauty. the most confident woman in your life has had the same thought loops before. most everyone has. please don't punish yourself for just being human. i am holding you in my arms and telling you it will be ok. i love u
i struggle w this as well. what has helped me the most is asking the question "am i really doing this for me?" but like really, truly asking myself this. i genuinely believe this is what separates a good personal decision from a bad one. do i want that clear skin for me? do i want to be fit for me? do i want that body for me? i think about that one margaret atwood quote all the time, where she's like "you are a woman with a man inside watching a woman." literally so true. we women do so many things for the male gaze--sometimes even by rejecting the male gaze, we're still performing for it. but even w how challenging it can be, sometimes we just need to shut out all that noise and operate from a place of self-direction. it's hard. it's really hard. but i like to think it's still possible.
if you were the only one who could see you, would you still want to change your appearance? this is not to say wanting to alter yourself is bad, more so that it has to be for the right reasons. deciding to do it to fulfill a beauty standard is just a balm on a life-long wound. the truly long-lasting solution is looking your own reflection in the eye, recognizing your unique beauty, and loving yourself for it despite what other people say
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stranger things spoilers (also this is incredibly messy but even tho its not worded 6, i think it gets my point across? im too tired to try to edit it right now 😭)
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im working on a bigger post analyzing the use of the heart on mikes shield in wills painting and mike being called the heart of the group but like. it’s the way that mikes relationship with el/his feelings for her directly parallels els relationship with her powers/her feelings on them.
i don’t… i don’t think we’re supposed to be saying “mike only loves el when she has powers and is using them to benefit him,” that doesn’t feel right. i think… moreso we’re supposed to look for parallels. mike didnt stop loving el *because* she lost her powers, but he struggled to show affection when she was struggling to use her powers.
when el stopped considering herself a monster because of brenner, and acknowledged that he was fucked up in his actions, she regained control of her powers, and even came back stronger than before. to continue this parallel, mike should simultaneously be renewed in his love for el, and should define their relationship in terms of himself, how he feels about her, instead of doing what he did in season 3, and pointing out his perceived issues with other peoples treatment of el.
but…. as some people have pointed out (if you made a post like this, lmk! id love to find the post i saw about this and give credit), mikes monologue, his confession of love to el, is…. unemotional. everything he lists off about her is factual, it’s details about when they met- it’s things he already knew. he hasn’t grown or changed in how he feels about el, he hasn’t found self stability- he’s still codependent, still reliant on being els boyfriend (im assuming we’re all on the same page about this, but i can explain what i mean by this if we’re not!).
el took the lies being told to her, and all on her own, explained her side of things, added her own thoughts to it all. brenner was trying to get her powers to grow, but it was when el said “no, you’re misconstruing what happened in the lab- it’s not me, it’s you” that she truly grew.
mike took the lies being told to him (by will), and accepted them. he had 100 reasons not to, but for whatever reason (i have thoughts on this, that’s just not the point right now), he didn’t question things. he did not add his own thoughts and feelings to things. he was trying to feel more confident in his and els relationship, and wills feelings became “els, not wills”
i worded this weird, sorry- els powers become stronger when she accepts the truth about what happened in the lab. mikes feelings for el, his ability to act in love with her, becomes stronger when he doesnt accept the truth about his and els feelings. even when he’s working with true, genuine feelings, he’s misattributing their origin, and thus his “return” of them is inherently a lie. there’s no love, no feeling, in his “response to els feelings” (the monologue, and how factual it was) because… that’s not how el feels.
again. wording is horrible i am so physically tired rn and this went so many places but… i don’t think mikes feelings for el are reliant on her powers. i don’t think her ability to use her powers directly determines whether or not mike loves her. i think instead, that there’s a parallel between el being strong enough to value and love herself in the face of her abusive parent figure, her powers being stronger when she faces the lies being told to her, and mike not being strong enough to face the lies being told to him, rather accepting them as the truth, thus worsening the lie he’s telling himself- that he’s in love with eleven (which, im of the view that mike is struggling with internalized homophobia due to his upbringing/childhood)
they’re not responsible for each other- i don’t think mikes feelings for el impacted her powers (i know, i know “but she was stronger after he confessed!” shhh. no. more on why that’s bd later), and i don’t think els powers impacted mikes feelings for her. i think that els ability to find inner strength and take the difficult road to the happy truth is represented by her relationship with her powers, and i think mikes inability to confront the easy lie which is so burdensome to live is represented by his relationship with el. el is struggling with accepting that her powers are just another part of her, and she’s not horrible for having them, and mike is struggling with accepting who he truly loves, and that his sexuality is just another part of him.
el confronts the lie she’s being told, stops telling herself it, and then her powers grow. mike accepts the lie he’s being told, keeps telling himself it, and… he and el aren’t talking, they’re just not breaking up anymore. their bond is weaker because he’s not acknowledging the truth of it, he’s living based off lies.
#stranger things#byler#mike wheeler#el hopper#mike genuinely doesn’t care about her being a superhero. there is a correlation there- between her powers and his feelings for her#but it’s not causation. it’s showing how their mikes/els relationship with his feelings/her powers#are impacted by whether they’re dealing with lies or the truth#mike is dealing with lies about his feelings and so their relationship in general- even platonically is weaker#they’re not communicating because el is all about the truth and mike still isn’t confronting lies#el has grown and experienced positive change with her powers because she accepted the truth#ughhhhhh im rambling so much i just. yeah
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I like. I need to process everything that’s been going on and I need to talk about how I’m feeling to be able to do that but I don’t.. want to I guess. I don’t want to bother people with my issues and I feel silly talking about how I feel. So then I think that I should go back to therapy so I have someone to talk to but I honestly really don’t want to unless it’s someone with a PhD because at this point I have as much education and training as a “mental health practitioner” and I’m about 2 years of internships away from an “LMFT” or other “licensed therapist”.
and that’s the other thing like, I’ve been in therapy for a long time, I’m a psych major, I did DBT, I feel like I’ve gotten everything I can out of “therapy” basically. So then like pursuing therapy just to talk through my emotions feels stupid and like a pointless waste of money to me. But then I go back and forth like would it actually help? Am I avoiding this out of shame or not wanting to damage my pride? Or as a form of self harm? Or do i genuinely think I won’t get anything out of it? Idk.
a big part of it too is that a lot of the stressors like with money and stuff are temporary and therapy isn’t going to help them. Like not to talk highly of myself but I’m pretty self actualized and the majority of my problems/stressors stem from external factors like not having enough money or my fiancee trying to kill themselves or close friends dying or work being stressful, which like therapy isn’t exactly going to solve any of those problems. It’s just supposed to teach you the skills to deal with those kind of things or change them or tolerate them which like. I already have. So again, pointless.
Even then, the problems i do have outside of external stuff are ones that I’m pretty confident cannot be treated through therapy. Like I really think a lot of my issues stem from unmediated adhd, and like I have skills that I use and I have work arounds and hacks and whatever else that are supposed to help me manage it better but it doesn’t work. like I take the notes and I track the things and I put trash cans everywhere and have other people remind me of stuff like. I can get by. but every fucking day of my life I am so overwhelmed by everything at work and at home and in relationships and I feel guilty and embarrassed that I can’t do the things that should be so easy.
Like every few days to every few weeks I find myself exasperated and thinking “WHY CANT I JUST DO IT. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME. THIS IS SO SIMPLE. WHAT IS FUCKING WRONG WITH ME” and like on some level I know it’s because I have symptoms syndrome and it affects me but I feel like there’s nothing to do.
like I’m doing all the stuff I’m supposed to do, I’m doing all the stuff that therapists and counselors have told me to do and I’m doing all the stuff that is recommended in the DSM V and I stay up to date on the current research in the causes, management, and treatment of specifically adhd but also generally all psych topics because I’m just genuinely interested in them so I read peer reviewed journals for fun.
And there are some things like. Idk exercise. And I’m like oh I should exercise then I’m like well not “should” but I want to exercise because I know it makes me feel better and it’s been proven to help with focus and clarity as well as alleviate symptoms of depression. And then I find myself being like “I can’t I can’t I can’t” so they I think about it. Why can’t I? And it’s like well, I don’t have enough time, I’m always tired, blah blah blah. And I think really the root is that I don’t want to spend “my” time doing something I don’t like doing and I don’t have any way to do the exercises I actually like (like biking or swimming).
So then I get back around to like okay we’ll I’m not actually doing EVERYTHING I can I’m not exercising or watching my diet, I could be doing more. So then I try to plan out time to do it and I set reminders and then I fail and fail and fail and fail and give up.
And it’s like what is therapy going to do? I know they’re gonna tell me to sleep and eat and exercise and be mindful. I know I need to do those things and I want to do those things but I CANT and I don’t know WHY.
AND THEN I loop back around to like what the fuck is wrong with me I know I need to do these things I want to fucking do these things I LIKE doing these things SO WHY CANT I JUST DO IT WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME and it starts all over.
And how do you explain that to someone? I’m objectively successful. I’m well educated. I have a high paying job. I don’t get into extreme legal or financial trouble. I have lots of very supportive and close friends and family. I don’t have the “right” things wrong with me to have people understand or recognize the struggle going on behind the scenes to do any of it. Like I know what to do, I do most of it, and it’s, by all accounts but mine, working well because I’m able to live independently and maintain relationships and hold a job and even get promoted at said job. So to any therapist I talk to it’s like. “Why are you here?” And I have to explain like yes I know I’m making it work I’m doing impressive things but I’m DYING I’m constantly stressed and overwhelmed and anxious and on the brink of a panic attack. I spend hours of my day staring at wall screaming inside my head about all the stuff I have to do but unable to do it. I’m smart enough to be really good at doing what I need to do to get by or knowing where to focus my efforts but I constantly feel like I’m in an out of control car spinning out with no brakes.
and I feel so stuck because I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t think there’s anything else I can realistically do to have a better handle on things, this is just the reality. Like I feel like I just need to accept that this is how it’s going to be and this is how it’s going to feel because I truly do not think there is anything that could possibly help me get out of this internal mess.
and of course, then I start thinking like, that’s pretty defeatist, am I giving up before I even try? So then I feel like, even more than before, i just need to try harder and do better and get further because it’s my own lazy ridiculous fault that im in this position in the first place.
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I posted 18,870 times in 2022
693 posts created (4%)
18,177 posts reblogged (96%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@nbblacksheep
@sawasawako
@venus-macabre
@lovedlovingly
I tagged 4,242 of my posts in 2022
#my answers - 439 posts
#kia's answers - 439 posts
#kia's post - 271 posts
#kia's og posts - 266 posts
#art reference - 79 posts
#johnny depp tw - 47 posts
#signal boost - 43 posts
#direct action - 42 posts
#prev tags - 40 posts
#mutual aid - 40 posts
Longest Tag: 140 characters
#no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
The way bi women have been talking about this for fucking years. Been yelling and screaming that we don't magically escape homophobia or misogyny just because we're dating, married to or fucking men and it was met with the vilest shit on this very fucking site. The way we provided study after fucking study. They way we said we deserve and need lgbt resources in case our cishet partners are abusive and it was treated as us being liars and invaders. The way we've spoken about how common biphobic beliefs (which inform why people refuse to even associate with the term "bisexual") has led to our high rates of ipv.
And we were ignored. People called us bihets (peep the url). People made it seem like were were just sluts that performed lesbianism for men (so much to unpack there). We were continually called liars and selfish and self centered and told that we were just trying to center our cishet relationships in lgbt spaces. People genuinely harassed bi bloggers for simply stating that bi m/f relationships were not cishet.
And now a bisexual woman who was abused for years because of her ex-husband's biphobic, misogynistic, jealousy, and she's just been told "Yes you were abused. No, you're not allowed to talk about it."
The fact that the biphobia is merely a footnote in most of the conversations surrounding the abuse (as if it can be neatly separated from JD's motivations behind his violence) is not lost on me either.
1,101 notes - Posted June 1, 2022
#4
Staff working FAST to remove those images meanwhile bloggers of color get slurs in our inboxes and calls for genocide against us, lgbt bloggers get literal harassment and graphic descriptions of violence, trans women getting just the vilest shit you could think of and its crickets. I think it's safe to say that that staff member and the rest of staff are just white supremacists. I never trusted them, but I hope for anyone that did this shows you just how ain't shit they've truly been.
1,445 notes - Posted May 28, 2022
#3
Anyways Imma complain about that author that just gets her ideas from her fucking agent like some 9th grade student.
I genuinely get so fucking annoyed with most of the booktok shit with the boring stock minimalist covers and the fucking fanfic-to-published pipeline but the idea that an author is 1. Getting their ideas from their agent in the form of like....suggested writing prompts and 2. Is being given tropes as the prompt with nothing else to consider, is mind boggling. Why do these people write? Why do these people do this if they don't want to create something as organically as possible? It's definitely a lack of respect for the craft cuz like if you respected writing and storytelling for the art that it is you wouldn't be reducing it down to tropes so you can start playing Situation Simulator 9000 with the most recent white cishet abled characters shown on your feed. It's just insane to me.
1,556 notes - Posted August 31, 2022
#2
I think you have to be particularly ignorant to see the treatment of lgbt people (regardless of whether we're sexually explicit or not) and of sex workers, and women who are confident in their sexual interests, and poc who are simultaneously hypersexualized and desexualized by racism, and disabled/fat people who are desexualized and fetishized by virtue of ableist/fatphobic dehumanization and think that the world has a net positive view of sex.
4,065 notes - Posted April 25, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
The fact that I reported a puppet account for saying Black people deserved slavery and was given a bullshit "that's their opinion" response yet staff has deleted 3 of my Black mutuals on the same fucking day tells my that @staff is racist and that Black Excellence banner is only for fucking show. Y'all will let Black bloggers be harassed, but God forbid one of them says fucking white women. With fucking full blown pedos and white supremacists on your fucking site too. Hope your building blows up
15,741 notes - Posted February 4, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
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I just remembered I have this account today. So hi, if anyone still remembers me or reads this.
It’s been two years since I’ve last posted. And a lot has happened, like so so much.
Reading back on these posts on this account feels weird. I remember all of it, but it’s not who I am anymore. It makes me sad and my stomach ties in knots when I read it.
Back then I was still actively partaking in self-destructive behaviours, and wrecking myself and my life. I was hurting myself in any way I could. It’s not like that anymore.
In June 2021 I made the choice to get treatment for my alcohol abuse. In mid-August this year I had my last appointment with them. It was a bit rough in early September where I relapsed a few times, but as of exactly today, I am a month sober, which also includes no social drinking. I had this idea that I could still drink socially when I entered treatment and I have now made the choice that there will be no drinking at all in my life, and I felt the strongest sense of relief when I finally accepted that it was the only way forward for me.
In early 2021 I began fighting to recover from bulimia, something I had to do on my own because I wasn’t offered any treatment. It was incredibly hard to manage that on my own, and I’m still mad that I wasn’t offered any help. But choosing to recover meant that I had to allow myself any and all food I wanted, so that I wouldn’t be stuck in binge/purge/restrict. That sounds logical and straightforward. But I was struggling with extreme hunger, both physically and mentally. So I gained around 25kg’s in a year. I felt heartbroken from it. I hated myself and I constantly had to buy new clothes in a size up and get rid of old clothes, even something that fit me 1-2 months prior. I ate constantly, and would wake up several times during the night just to eat and then go back to bed. I was burning with so much shame every day. But slowly, very slowly, I started to heal. And now, at 74.4kgs I am a million times happier than I was at 48kgs. I’m chubby and I fucking love it. Like I genuinely think I look good, even though my stomach sticks out quite a lot, I have jiggly arms and thighs, I have small backrolls and get stomach rolls when I sit down. I’m not ashamed of it and I feel so good in my own skin. And now I get to eat whatever I want, whenever I want. I’m no longer afraid to see my family because it means eating. I no longer count every single fucking calorie, I no longer purge until my fingers and nails are blue and I can’t stand up, I no longer feel shame for eating more than the person next to me every now and then, I enjoy soda with sugar in it when I feel like it, and I don’t have any form of extreme hunger anymore. It took 1 1/2 years for that hunger to go away, and I was beginning to think it never would. But it did. And now I have peace in my head.
As of New Years 2022 I have self harmed twice, and it was very minor both times. I don’t have urges to hurt myself anymore, I don’t look at something sharp and immediately think to press it against my skin, 80% of my scars are white now, and I don’t give a single flying fuck if someone looks at them, I honestly find it kind of funny when they do, and even though I am not proud of my scars or think they made me stronger after overcoming it, I don’t hate or mind them either. They’re there, and that’s it. Nothing more to it.
Since 2020 I have been in and out of psych wards a lot, either from depression or mania or states of severe distress. My last admission was 3 1/2 months ago, and that’s the longest I’ve gone without being admitted since 2020. I am beginning to have hope that I will no longer be a “revolving door” patient. I feel more confident in my ability to make the right choices for myself, like taking my medication and being honest about how I’m feeling, before I do something destructive or reckless. My diagnosis of borderline personality disorder was removed in 2021, they couldn’t say if I never actually had that diagnosis or if I managed to recover enough to no longer show symptoms. But they were confident in removing it.
During a psych admission last December, I made friends with a girl (C) who was admitted at the Youth ward, right next to the adult sectioned ward I was in (I was there due to depression, which they treated with a small dose of anti depressants, which then made me manic), and those two wards shared a smoking area. One day in my manic state, I came out there to smoke and C was sitting there smoking too. I had gotten her name from another patient so I greeted her loudly and talked to her as if we already knew each other. This is something she’s told me because I don’t remember it. But we kept talking during that December and when we had both been discharged we agreed to meet up. We did, and now she’s one of my very very best friends. We’ve known each other for less than a year but we’ve grown close very quickly. Through her, I’ve met so many new people, made more friends, and now I can barely keep up with seeing all the friends I have. I am so fucking thankful that we met that December, even though I was manic and she was severely underweight. It’s changed my life for the better.
In may 2022 I moved away from the apartment building my support team works in, and into a new two-bedroom apartment in the same city. Living here is the first time I’ve ever felt at home since I moved out from home at 20 (I’m 26 now) After 5 apartments in 5 1/2 years, I am home and comfortable and settled. I moved mainly so that I could get a cat. I missed having one so so much. On the 2nd of August I got a small orange female kitten, and I named her Charlie, after Charlie Weasley in the Harry Potter books. She’s 5 months old now and she is the best little friend and companion I could’ve ever asked for. She loves cuddles, like ridiculously many cuddle sessions, she’s open to new people in my home instantly without hesitation, she’s chaos unleashed when she’s feeling playful, and she just generally loves without question, and is very patient. She gives as much affection to me as I give to her, and it’s made my life so much more meaningful to have her to take care of and keep healthy.
I have begun seeing my family again. Between 2019 to this summer, I hardly ever saw them, because I was struggling so much mentally and emotionally, that I just couldn’t. I felt like I drifted further and further away from them, felt like I would lose them (they’re actually my foster family since I was 15) because I wasn’t participating and making a point to see them at birthdays and holidays. I’ve feared that for so long now, and I’ve missed them so much, so this summer I decided to make the effort because I didn’t want to lose something so important to me, and look back years from now and regret it. I’ve seen them many times since this summer and it’s made a part of me feel whole again. Especially the kids/teenagers of the family are so precious to me, we have so much fun together and share so many hugs and laughs and closeness, and they are just as happy to see me as I am to see them.
So adding all of the above together, things are better. So much better than I imagined when I wrote those things on this account in 2020. It’s hard for me to understand that through all the trauma and mental illness I’ve endured, I’ve still become a person who loves fiercely, laughs explosively, is shameless and confident, self-aware, extroverted, trusting, and brave enough to live her life, despite emotional abuse, neglect, sexual abuse, suicide of a parent, moving foster family as a teenager, depression, mania, self harm, several eating disorders, suicide attempts, sexual assault, substance abuse, and a burning intense self hatred. I’m somehow still a person who passionately wants her life and goes to bed content, excited for the next day. Looking forward instead of repeating the past.
My recovery still isn’t linear or without setbacks. But I am recovering. It happened slowly and then all at once. It’s possible.
#mental health#update#recovery#eating disorder#bipolar disorder#self harm#personal#depression#substance abuse#healing#body image#borderline personality disorder#bpd
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WAIT I DIDNT KNOW YOU WRITE FOR INSIDE JOB NOW??? IM SO HAPPY BECAUSE YOURE LIKE ONE OF MY FAV WRITIMG BLOG !!!
May I request Reagans gang with a fem!s/o who’s really clingy, romantic and just very nice towards them, who’s also really insecure about herself? Have a good day and keep up the good work!
TYSM! It’s an honor to be one of ur favs
Reagan might need some time to adjust, physical touch just is not her love language at all lol. So please give her space! She will need to get used to you being so clingy. That aside, she does deep down find your sappiness and your romantic side to be grossly endearing and sweet. Just don’t do it around the others. She’s glad to have somebody that’s nice to her and truly appreciates her, and she can relate to being insecure. It really sucks because she doesn’t know how to help, but she thinks the world of you.
Brett may not know how to help with confidence (as he struggles himself) but he tries his best to be a good support group for you. Truly loves how kind you are! People are usually nice to him, but of course there are people that are really fucking mean to him and take advantage of him. He feels at ease with you, especially when you’re being all sappy and clingy. He loves this actually, since he’s very clingy and romantic himself!
Andre is secretly a hopeless romantic so in his eyes he’s hit the jackpot! Once he’s actually comfortable in the relationship, that is. He will be all over you, clinging to you 24/7. His coworkers are absolutely sick of you guys clinging to eachother and full blown making out in public like you’re some freaky highschool couple. All this aside, he is always telling you how amazing you are to make up for your lack of self esteem.
Gigi is always, ALWAYS hyping you up. Especially since she knows how insecure you are. And man, she adores you. Seriously! Especially since you’re so romantic, it makes her swoon! She may make a lot of jokes about you being the lucky one, but she truly feels like she is the one that ended up being lucky given how much of a catch you are. And being clingy is just a bonus, she adores it!
Myc is not one for clinginess, he’s not used to that. So you’ll have to give him a break. He’s not used to people genuinely liking his presence. He knows how much of an asshole he is and he’s comfortable with it. Regardless learns to like your clinginess (but will never admit it! Unless you get insecure about it and junk!) he is a bit flustered by how romantic you can be, he claims to be disgusted but the shrooms overall complexion seems darker for some reason.. and don’t worry! He will totally hype you up when you feel very insecure! Though he seriously doesn’t understand why you’re so nice to him?
Glenn is not used to such kindness from anyone, but he’ll take it in stride! But he is extremely flustered about it. And you only make it worse with your sappiness and romantic BS. Do you watch romcoms or something? This is getting really cheesy. He doesn’t hate it though, even if he claims it isn’t much and he’s totally not into it. He very much is! He thinks it’s very sweet, he feels undeserving of such love and affection! Being clingy is no problem for him either, since he is too. And he will be sure to tell you how amazing you are, and threaten anyone that tells ya otherwise.
And a bonus; JR!!
Jr is a romantic himself, so expect the absolute best treatment from the man. He will admit he’s not used to being woo’d. He’s used to doing the woo’ing. But he’s very happy and flattered about it! He loves your sappiness, and while he is a very busy man he is also quite clingy (for his standards anyway). Unless you work at cognito inc you won’t be able to be as clingy since he’s usually at work! He’s constantly complimenting with you and flirting with you, telling you how amazing you are.
#jr x reader#glenn dolphman x reader#inside job reagen ridley x reader#reagan x reader#reagan ridley x reader#brett hand x reader#inside job brett hand x reader#inside job brett x reader#andre lee x reader#andre x reader#inside job andre x reader#magic myc x reader#inside job myc x reader#myc x reader#gigi x reader
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what post ru talking about
there was one under the gulshan devaiah tag. day ruined instantly
but also I was referencing just this trend I've seen of people starting off their posts/opinions about the movie with "it wasn't perfect, but-" or "It had its Several Flaws, but-" which is. fair. and all.
But why does literally the rest of bollywood not get the same treatment, yknow? Why is Indian queer content held to impossible standards, not even just queer content.
And this is not me making concessions for shit movies just because they're Woke™. This is about movies that actually delivered. Like badhaai do.
People who genuinely disliked it are literally so free to do so (I disagree, but to each their own).
But it seems to me like even the people who did like it are kinda being guilt tripped into saying it lowkey sucked. Which is. :/
Now I could've just encountered a disproportionately high number of people who said something along these lines. I'm probably generalising too much.
That being said
I can say with utter confidence that it was better than SO many Hollywood movies/Korean media out there.
And yet, there's such a weird system of internalised racism in place from growing up on an annoyingly fucking US/eurocentric internet that. We literally hesitate to shamelessly hype our own movies. Even the ones that have actually done well and have done right by the queer community.
Is that not tragic?
It's like we start off on this assumption that Bollywood = Terrible and then fight tooth and nail to hold onto that entirely baseless idea, just for the sake of.
What?
Ego?
Being "Not Like Other Indians I'm More Woke Because I Hate Bollywood?"
What is it?
Sorry about the rant. I'm just really sensitive about this because, hell man our movie industries get shit on and mocked by nondesis enough without us adding to it.
It's pretty much a given that movies featuring sensitive topics like this one will NOT be perfect. It doesn't have to be said unless it's a legitimate review- I've seen personal posts on here freaking out about badhaai do that are so self effacing it hurt my heart.
So. Annoying preachy PSA to everyone: next time you talk about queer content in Indian media, and the first words out of your mouth are something along the lines of "idk it wasn't great but personally I liked it idk" when you're more than allowed to say "it was FUCKING GREAT ACTUALLY."
Maybe ask yourself where it's coming from.
We're allowed to be proud of our own culture. I promise.
#sam tw#badhaai do#bollywood#smzs#shubh mangal zyada saavdhan#chandigarh kare aashiqui#ek aur tha kya#oh ye#elkdtal#ek ladki ko dekha toh aisa laga
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one and done
A/N Hi everyone! I’m back with a one shot :) I know I don’t write as often anymore but since I’m self quarantining and I’m just about finish with high school, I thought I should try and give it another go? I’m also re starting up my jewellery business so ahhh many goals in mind but no motivation ??? Okay, I hope you guys enjoy this one!!! It is definitely a slow burn with smut but part 2? I dunno!!
Y/N and her brother’s best friend Harry, has had some pent up sexual frustration for a while. Wouldn’t it be best if they just had a one and done? you know to get it out of their system ;)
*smut includes spanking, choking, male and female receives oral, harry dom but Y/N rides, magic face cream treatment for anti wrinkling results? Yes, and what else? sub space, hair pulling, gosh I forgot please read it 😁
Word Count: 6.1k // Masterlist // one and done PLAYLIST
“Don’t you think it's a bit of a cliché to be crushing on your brother’s best friend?” Ness teases Y/N as they walk out of her house. They were just on the steps about to go on a walk around the block. It was definitely one of their favourite things to do as the sun was just about to set.
Y/N had her butt sat on the spruced wooden steps as she ignored her best friend’s comment. First off, she knew it was a cliché. Secondly, her last encounter with him just seconds ago was already making her plan her own execution.
In her head, it was simply her just jumping out of her window multiple times until she lost consciousness. Ness on the other hand was standing up, watching the poor girl tie her laces. “Okay, I was just teasing. We can change the topic.” She lends her hand out for Y/N to take.
“It’s not just that Ness.” She gladly accepts the gesture and stands up. She wipes off her butt and glances back at the door. “I’ve never had a thing for him! Ryan and Harry have been best mates since what? 8th grade and for some reason ever since the cruise from last summer, I can’t stop thinking about him.”
“It’s because he was shirtless half of the time.” Ness laughs as she hands Y/N’s water bottle to her. “Okay, we can admit it though. As a senior he is 10 times more attractive than he ever was. He looks like a frat boy that could jump my bones.” Y/N stops walking and just stares at Ness while the girl continues to walk. She grabs her hand and pulls her forward. “Okay, I’m sorry for the bad comment.”
“He is hot though. Really hot.” Y/N smiles.
“See, that’s why you should sleep with him.”
“What are you crazy? Ness, Ryan would kill me or him -maybe the both of us!”
“It’s pent up sexual frustration. Harry legit watched us walk out your door while eating a banana and you still managed to trip on your shoes.” She laughs.
“He was making eye contact with me!”
“All I’m saying is that he throws parties at his house and always invites us despite y’know us being juniors. Just offer, do it, slip out, and never say anything about it ever again.” Ness elbows Y/N as she crosses her arms.
“Maybe I will.” She laughs pretending to actually sound confident in the idea.
“Good, there’s a party this Friday anyway.” Ness shrugs her shoulders. “It’s the best remedy sis.”
~
“Harry, can we talk?” Y/N follows him into the kitchen while everyone else is God knows where around the house.
“Ryan is in the backyard, trying to get Cassidy back.” He barely glances at her as he pours himself a drink. He notices an empty one in her hand so he decides to pour coke in hers.
“I um wasn’t really drinking coke.” She states confusedly as she watches the bubbles in her cup dissolve.
“You think I’m trying to get you drunk at this party. One alcoholic beverage is good enough for yeh.” He smiles at her as he screws the cap shut and taps the top of her head. He was treating her as if she was a child, which definitely pissed her off since she was going to ask him a really fucked up favour in the matter of 60 seconds.
“I can handle myself, you know.”
“Yup.” He rests his back against the counter and bites the rim of the plastic cup as he looks at her. “What do you need though?” He genuinely asks her. Although they weren’t that close, Harry knew her long enough to know she wouldn’t start random a conversation with him. It was more like a hi and bye situation. Not her trying to actually talk to him.
“I have a favour and you can’t tell Ryan.” Y/N lets out a big breath as she watches his reaction change into a confused one.
“Look Y/N, if you want to try and smoke a blunt, I think it’s best you find yourself a dealer that doesn’t know your brother.”
“No, not that.” She whispers as she moves in closer. There were more people entering the kitchen and this was about to get really fucking awkward.
“What?” He looks at her and notices her body shifting closer to him. Her chest was touching the side of his arm, making his eyes look towards the cabinets instead.
“I-”
“Yes?”
“Do you wanna fu-?” His eyes widen as he downs the rest of his drink in one go. Harry doesn’t even let her continue as he steps away from Ryan’s little sister.
“I’m sorry do I already know the rest of that question?” He tries not to obviously choke on the liquid in his mouth.
“Well, I don’t know you didn’t really let me finish.” Her sassy tone comes out. Her cheeks were really red and although Y/N came to the party with Ness feeling really confident in the dress she picked. She just wanted to go home and not show her face to him ever again. This was the stupidest idea! Why on earth did she think Harry would want to sleep with her when there are so many girls that try to get his attention.
“I’m sorry Y/N.” He bites the inside of his cheek and watches some familiar people leave the room. Once it’s clear again, he speaks up. “Like are you serious?” He could feel his throat becoming more stuffy. “You and me?” She nods. “Really?” She nods again. “That’s crossing the line and Ryan is pretty overprotective. I can’t do that to him.”
“Cool.” Y/N stands perfectly still as she tries her best to maintain eye contact with him. She takes a sip of the coke but later, grabs the bottle of alcohol and pours it into her cup regardless of him watching her. “Well, don’t let Ryan know.” She shrugs her shoulders and laughs. “Thanks for answering my survey!” She gives him an awkward smile then walks out of the room. How can a guy pass up on her??? First rejection has gotta sting.
This wasn’t some weird guy she was asking though. This was Harry, Ryan’s best friend. If Ness was put in his position, she wouldn’t want her to say yes either. God, she was also going to kill her best friend for putting the most ridiculous game plan in her head.
And although the party continued on, Ness and Y/N didn’t let the earlier events bother them. The two spent hours just fucking around until they found a comfy spot in the living room.
“Y/N, don’t look.” Ness sits beside her on Harry’s couch watching a few strangers play an unfamiliar game on the floor.
“What?” she quickly looks up to see what Ness is talking about. It wasn’t a surprise to see Harry holding Carla Laws’s hand as they walked up the stairs. They looked pretty excited for a room tour too.
Oh hell no, everyone knows a girl doesn’t go to Harry Styles’ room to just hold hands and a cute sentimental room tour!
“Are you sure he didn’t want to with you?”
“Yes Nessa.” She rolls her eyes and drinks her third cup. “Whatever, if anything at least I don’t feel attracted to him anymore. I found a new ick. He doesn’t even find me attractive.”
“Good. Rejection may hurt but it makes you wake up and face reality.”
~
Okay if there was one thing Y/N could say now, it was that she is finally over Harry. Overall, he was nothing but a phase. Yes, she was crushing on him for the first semester of the year but after that weird conversation they had, it made sense why they couldn’t work out anyway. He’s a stuck up douche - a typical senior, all while she was a junior who was either too infatuated with him or too horny. Maybe both?
It’s been about two weeks and although Ness made sure to keep trash talking the guy, Y/N knew there was more to him than what her best friend thought. She knew him for years! Maybe the fact he was athletic, charismatic and just kind that made her realize what a perfect guy he was. She knew he was a bit more complex than what other people thought of him and it wasn’t bad at all.
What she never thought was how awkward it was going to be the next time she saw him. “Hey, Haz.” Ryan opens the door for his buddy as Y/N covers herself with the blanket more all while pretending to watch TV.
For the past couple of days, Ryan was going over to his house and maybe Harry asked him too to come over, but what she didn’t expect was to see him again so soon.
“Hey Ryan.” Harry takes his jacket and boots off as it just begun to snow outside. “Hey Y/N.” She quickly glances at him and waves.
“Let’s go to the kitchen first, I wanna get snacks.” Ryan suggests as he walks away, assuming Harry would follow him like usual.
After thirty minutes, Y/N thought the boys would be upstairs but as she entered the kitchen wearing nothing but her shorts and her brother’s old t-shirt, she was surprised to see Harry and Ryan eating sandwiches at the breakfast bar, looking pretty serious. Did Harry tell him?
As she walked closer, she noticed both boys were just on their phones, scrolling through different social media platforms. She quickly brushes past them to put her dish in the sink. Ryan seemed unbothered but she could definitely feel Harry’s eyes on her. Once she makes eye contact with him, he quickly takes a sip of his juice and looks at his phone once more. “Y/N can you grab the chips in the cabinet please?” Ryan looks up at his phone and notices his sister was standing right in front of the cupboard.
“Yeah, no problem.” She turns her back on them and opens the cabinet. She goes on her tiptoes reaching for the only bag of chips. Once she grabs them, she puts them on the counter and walks out of the room, only hearing her brother murmur a thank you.
It was about 6:30 PM and the parents weren’t home yet. Ryan and Harry decided to chill in the living room when the doorbell rang. Pausing the game, Ryan opened the door to see Tom standing in front of him. “Y/N it’s for you!” He calls out for his sister since he knew Tom was her friend.
“Who’s that?” Harry mouthed.
“Her boyfriend.” Ryan shrugs as he unpauses the game.
“Tom? What are you doing here?” Y/N walks down the stairs, pulling her shirt down.
“Vanessa told me to come by. Apparently you need help with the calculus homework? I’m free tonight anyway.” He smiles and gives her a hug. Tom was a really good friend of Ness and Y/N. He was a smart boy that was really kind and obviously had a big crush on Nessa. There was anything he could do for her.
Y/N instantly bit her cheek and laughed as she remembered Ness’ text message a couple of hours ago when she told her Harry came by. This was definitely one of Ness’ master plans. “You’re so sweet.” She pulls away and laughs. “We can go upstairs, I have a few questions to ask.” She quickly glances at her brother who doesn’t care all while Harry tried his best to maintain his eyes on the screen.
“Y/N, Put some shorts on!” Ryan finally yells out as the two went up the stairs.
~
“I don’t get why he throws parties every weekend.” Ness takes a sip of her drink as they sit inside Harry's dining room. They probably weren’t going to stay too long. Everyone was inside due to the cold weather with the occasional smokers outside. Being the only few juniors, there wasn’t much the girls could do other than loiter around, drink a few cups and play the games they knew so well. Y/N wasn’t the type to have random hook ups but you know her exception with Harry.
“Gemma has gone off for college and Anne is always working really late shifts at the hospital. He’s pretty much anywhere and everywhere besides his house unless it’s a party.”
“True.”
“I’m going to say bye to my brother then we can head back to mine if you want?” Y/N offers as Nessa nods and downs her drink.
“I’m going to drink a cup of water. Meet you at the front?”
“Mhm.” They both stand up and leave the room. Nessa was heading straight to the kitchen while Y/N began to wander around the house.
“Y/N.” Harry calls out her name over the music. He was wearing a while long sleeved shirt that was unbuttoned. It made him look really attractive which almost made Y/N lose her breath.
“Hey Harry, You know where Ryan is?” The only typical thing she would ever ask him before that one time. (Pretending as if she didn’t sexually harass him last time.)
“He’s downstairs with the rest of the boys.” He glances around at everyone and looks at her once more. “I’m sorry, are you um- leaving?”
“Yeah me and Nessa are going to call it a night.” She wraps her hoodie around her figure and tries to make her way to the stairs.
“Want me to give you girls a ride?”
“No no, it’s okay!” She smiles and waves her hand at him. “Nessa drove. You also have a party to h-”
“It’s kind of late maybe she should head home and we can-” And that’s when it hit her. Was Harry Styles trying to isolate her?
“Oh.” She widens her eyes and slowly nods. “Okay. I’ll let my brother and Ness know. Should I meet you in your car outside?”
“Yeah.” He runs his hand through his hair and quickly leaves her side. After bidding her farewell to Ryan and explaining her interpretation of Harry to Ness, she was quietly leaving the house as she watched Nessa walk by herself to the car down the street. What surprised Y/N more was to see him in his brown jacket standing by the passenger door.
“Did you tell Ryan I was dropping you off?” He nervously smiles as he opens the door for her. He makes sure no one is watching them leave together as he feels the butterflies forming in his stomach.
“No.” She puts her hood on and sits in his car. She was picking on her stockings trying to avoid the awkward tension between them. Once Harry sat inside and they both put their seatbelts on, they were on their way to her house. It was weird knowing she was actually leaving a party with her brother’s best friend so she could suck his-
“What happens if they notice you’re gone?”
“Um, I’m sure they’ll think i'm elsewhere doing stuff.” She knew what he was thinking about and that made her a bit uncomfortable but it didn’t change the fact it was true.
“Are you still down to y’know?” Harry honestly never thought he would be this nervous talking to Ryan’s little sister.
“Yeah.” She bites her lip as they glance at each other.
“Cool. Are you like a virgin or something. I mean is there anything that I should know about?”
“No.” She shakes her head and low-key observes how he drives.
This was going to be one hell of a night.
Harry has seen Y/N’s room a countless number of times but to actually be with her by themselves in Ryan’s house made him feel really guilty. That guilt however, was shoved in the back of his throat. The girl in the room with his was obviously the best distraction. “I like your room.” he smirks at her as he looks at her soccer trophy collection from grade school.
“Thanks.” She laughs lightly as she takes off her jacket. She quickly texts an update to Ness before putting the phone on do not disturb.
“So before we start, what made you ask the offer?” He takes his jacket off and throws it on her chair. He sits on her bed and glances at the time. It was still early, so people probably weren’t going to be looking for him.
“This is going to sound really dumb but I’ve had this crush on you since the cruise last summer. Well, you know Nessa... she had this thought and she thinks it is just pent up sexual frustration?” She shakes her head of saying the whole idea out loud. “So I thought maybe I should just get it out of my system.” Harry laughs as he takes in of what she just said. it made her smile as well.
“You were checking me out all summer?” He asks her in disbelief. “Little Y/N wanted to jump my bones?” He started to smirk at her. Although they didn’t know each other too well, the awkward tension was gone with just one simple laugh of his.
“Stop laughing.” She throws a pillow at him. “I didn’t think you would say no.”
“I didn’t want to say no Y/N are you crazy? I’m laughing because I kept checking you out in those tiny bikinis you used to wear.” He throws the pillow to the side and shakes his head. “I don’t want to cross Ryan like that but I think i need to get you out of my system too.”
“Mhm and why’s that?” She locks her door and sits on the bed with him. “Because Carla couldn’t distract me from seeing you in my sheets.” He leans in and kisses her. “Tom coming by a few days ago with you wearing nothing but those little shorts was already making me lose my mind.” He whispers and kisses her again.
Y/N immediately sits on his lap while trying her best to keep his mouth on her’s. Everything about this was so hot. She was about to just rip his clothes off.
“One and done yeah?” Y/N rubs herself on him as her fingers tangle themselves in his hair. He kisses down her neck while grabbing her ass.
“One and done. Just to get you out of my system.” He confirms with her as he gently throws her on the bed. He’s pulling his long sleeve off and taking his shirt off but once he begins unbuckling his jeans, he couldn’t help but notice Y/N trying to take her shirt off as well. “Fuck.” He murmurs as he gently unbuttons her long sleeve to help her take it off. In a flash, he’s on his knees unzipping her skirt and taking her stockings off as well. “You looked really pretty tonight by the way.” His cheeks flush as he throws her bottoms behind his back. Y/N laughs quietly and she sits up and brings his face closer to hers.
“I actually would like to say the same exact thing.” He leans in to kiss her once more. Her lips were extremely soft and forbidden and it was making him slowly lose his mind all over again. Y/N thought Harry was just a phase but that seemed impossible as she was already dreading the fact this was a one and done situation.
“You’re just so fucking soft and alluring.” He whispers in her ear as he unclasped her bra. “I already know I need to fuck you hard.” Y/N eyes’ roll back as she feels his wet mouth on her nipple as the other one massaged the other. Her hands were trying really hard to focus on the task at hand which was to undo his pants but it was definitely not working with the way he was distracting her. Not a single thought could process in her mind.
“I think since this is a one and done situation, you better make this memorable.” She whispers and bites her lip as she tries to hold back a moan. His fingers were teasing her covered entrance but Harry could feel her drenched spot already clenching at his presence.
“Memorable? I’ll definitely leave my mark on you.” He sucks on her mouth more roughly than usual as he rubs his fingers on her centre. “You wanted me so bad baby? You just had to beg me huh?” He gestures his hips more forward to help her with his pants.
“I’m kind of new to this. Be a bit patient.” Y/N laughs as she gently unzips his pants after numerous attempts.
“You just ruined the moment.” He laughs with her as he kisses her forehead and takes his pants off as well. “Just kidding, this is probably the most fun I had.” He hovers over her again and teases her entrance.
“What do you mean?” She lays on her back and roams her hands all over his chest.
“Never got the chance to tease the fuck out of a pretty girl then fuck her hard.” He slaps her clit and bites down on her lip. She suddenly lets out a moan that makes her eyes flutter and her chest rise closer up to his face.
He brings two of his fingers to her mouth and slowly lets her lick on it before rimming her entrance and shoving it in without any warning. His thumb slowly rubs her swollen numb as he can’t help but rub himself on her sheets as well. “You mind if I get a little bit of a taste? I’ve been dying to know. I saw you earlier at the party and I had to jerk myself off seeing you in those little stockings of yours.”
“You. You jerked yourself off thinking about me, baby?” She looks down at him and smiles softly. He gives her a little smirk before pulling his hand away and heading his head down a bit south. His tongue dips slowly on the left side of her leg as his hands grip her thighs tightly, sure of the bruises to form soon.
“You’re like a fucking wet dream. How can I say no to you?” He urgently swipes his whole tongue on her centre. “I saw you earlier and had to go to my room.” He takes another lick. “Fuck baby, the best i’ve fucking tasted. Fuck oh fuck.” He precisely observes the way your whole swallows his fingers in and clench so tightly around him. His tongue dipping and switching with his fingers because he honestly can’t decide which is best.
“Harry, fuck me please baby.” Y/N moans loudly as she harshly grabs on her boobs. She’s never been fucked this good. It was honestly feeling like a dream. With that being said, she’s only had sex a handful of times but Harry seemed like such an expert in the field. “Oh God.” She tries to pull away. She wasn’t sure if she could continue on with Harry obsessively licking and sucking on her wet centre.
He looks up and watches her eyes roll back as her fingers begin to pull on his head aggressively. His only reflex is to spread her legs wider. After her first orgasm, Y/N lays on her back staring at her ceiling trying to catch her breath.
“Fuck me.”
“We aren’t done yet, love.” He laughs at her cuteness. He can’t remember the last time where he wasn’t rushing to finish himself off. He was taking his time with Y/N since it’s what she deserves. He lays down beside her and kisses down her chest. “Tell me when you’re ready to go, yeah?” He dips his tongue on her shoulder until it reaches the huge hickey he left on her collarbone. He gently licks around it and sucks on it again.
He was a bit surprised to see Y/N sit up and grab a condom from her drawer. “Thank you for fucking the shit out of me, I’ll gladly return the favour.” She smiles and tucks her hair behind her ear as she focuses on putting the contraceptive on him. Just touching it was already forming butterflies in her stomach.
“I could’ve been fucking you on that cruise.” he mischievously smiles at her as he watches the way her pretty tits move.
“You were sharing a room with my brother.” She hisses as she holds onto his shaft trying to gently ease the pain as she fully sits on him.
“But you were alone.” He grabs onto her waist and helps her. “You’re so beautiful fuck.” He sits up on her headboard as her palms rest on his chest. Both of their eyes couldn’t help but watch the way he was easily penetrating her.
“Was touching myself because of you.” She mumbles out as her speed begins to increase.
“What did you say baby?” He almost chokes on his breath as he can feel her fully taking him in.
“Couldn’t stop thinking of you on that cruise. I needed you to rail the fuck out of me.” She moans louder as she starts to feel his hips meet her.
“Fuck me. So perfect, Shit.” He quickly turns them around and shoves himself back into her. His hand immediately tightens around her neck and once he is about to pull it away, she keeps his hand on her.
“Fuck me harder.” She cries out as his arm begins to push her legs up. He spits in between their centres before thrusting as hard as he can. All you could hear was her headboard banging against the wall as his hand continuously choked the fuck out of her.
“I bet you like getting spanked too huh?” He bites his lip and semi turns her body before slapping her ass.
“Harry fuck.”
“Come on, baby. Be a good girl and come around my cock.”
“Fuck fuck fuck.” Y/N cries out as her fingernails scratch his back. “Come in my mouth. I want to taste you so bad please.” tears begin to form in her eyes as she continues to clench around his dick. Harry immediately pulls off the condom and helps her sit up on her knees. She absolutely could not feel a thing below her stomach but with Harry’s hard cock in her mouth, she was already closing her eyes and trusting him with everything she was. She’s never been this fucking vulnerable, she was literally about to pass the fuck out.
She was softly holding onto his thighs but her hands found comfort on his waist as he began to fuck her mouth harder. Harry on the other hand, kept his eyes on how her mouth was taking him in. He watched the way his fingers wrap around her hair tightly as he brought his hips closer and closer until he could feel her gagging on his dick. Without a warning, he immediately pulls out and spills all over her face.
“Why’d you do that?” She opens her eyes and pouts. She was pretty upset how she couldn’t taste him spill into her mouth. So her finger immediately takes a swipe of his spill and puts it in her mouth. Without hesitation, she’s taking his forming soft dick in her hands before softly licking it clean and softly sucking on his balls. She takes his shaft and swipes her cheek once more before licking the rest of his spill from his shaft.
“You’re going to make me hard again if you keep doing that baby. Might not be as nice as I was this time.”
“Maybe I want another round?” She gestures him to lie down as she continues to kiss and suck on his cock.
“Thought it was a one and done.” He softly smiles as he removes some of the hair from her face.
“How about a one and done night?”
“Deal.”
And although they thought this was crossing a line, they already knew the moment their lips touched, they wouldn’t be able to stop.
~
“Wait so he changed his mind!” Nessa laughs as they drive back home. “Bitch how are you at school today? I literally saw you limping at lunch.”
“Shut up.” Y/N mouth widens as she rubs her face. “I don’t know what happened okay? We said one and done but we honestly went a couple of rounds before I had to wake him up so he could drive back home.”
“But is he out of your system? Don’t get me wrong Harry’s a fine guy but like dating wise? He’s been with other girls but somehow always goes back to Carla. They’ve been like that before you and Ryan moved here.”
“Yeah, he’s out of my system.” Y/N laughs but truth be told, some nights when she can’t sleep, she’ll find herself staring at the ceiling.
“Why are you guys home so early?” Nessa asks once they step inside the house. There was a good comparison between Nessa and Ryan with Y/N and Harry. First off, Nessa literally saw Ryan as her older brother which meant they were pretty vocal towards each other. Secondly, Nessa was very comfortable at Y/N’s house almost as if this was her second home.
“Carla and Cassidy are coming over.” Ryan smirks as Harry cleans the living room behind him. “During the party last night, I may have asked if they wanted to come over for a double date game night thing. Mom and Dad are cool with it since it's a Monday which is their date night too.
“Oh have fun.” Y/N buds in and laughs. “Make sure to actually vacuum please. You don’t want the girls finding your crumbs on the carpet.” She takes her jacket off as Nessa follows behind her up the stairs. Harry obviously tried to ignore the fact, she bluntly ignored him.
“Double date? Damn, you guys really did just fuck and brushed it under the carpet.”
“It meant nothing right. So?” Y/N tries to brush off the topic as she sets her backpack down. “Why won’t you sit down?”
“On that bed?” Nessa smiles awkwardly as she glances at the double bed near the wall.
“I changed the sheets.” Y/N takes her shirt off and replaces it with another loose top. She unzips her pants and wears her black tights instead.
“So should we invite ourselves to their double date?” Nessa raises her eyebrows as she lays down on the bed.
“No because it’s weird and I don’t want Harry to think I’m jealous.”
“I think you are.”
“Nope, I told you I don’t like him like that anymore and he’s out of my system.” She tries to ignore the fact, how she swallowed him without hesitation.
“Okay but wouldn’t it be better to prove to yourself you are just by being around him.” And although Y/N wanted to protest that, the two best friends ended up being invited by Ryan to play downstairs anyway.
“You girls want a refill?” Ryan sits up from the coffee table as he cleans up the empty red cups. Ness, Carla, and Cassidy wanted a new one which made Y/N go help her brother out in the kitchen.
“Are you having fun?” Ryan asks as he throws the cups in the recycling. Y/N pours the preferred drinks in the new cups as she looks up at her brother.
“Yeah, I was wondering why you invited Ness and I. Don’t you think we’re cock-blocking?”
“Harry suggested you guys hang out with us while we played games. More competition is fun y’know. Plus you and Nessa can leave whenever.”
“Oh cool. Thanks, I guess?”
“Yup.” He grabs two cups as she does. She couldn’t help but notice how Ryan suddenly started cheering. “Yeah, Styles get it! Woooo!” Y/N turns her eyes to notice Harry and Carla making out on the floor by the coffee table.
“Are you guys dating again?” Cassidy laughs as she tries not to watch them make out.
“Sure.” Carla pulls away and pecks his cheek. Nerissa was just watching Y/N’s reaction and she knew it was a bad one.
“Y/N could you walk me to the car? Appa just texted me and he’s wondering where I am. I forgot it was his birthday.” Nessa speaks up.
“Oh shit.” Y/N was clueless of her excuse. Which thankfully made her seem more genuinely in a rush to get out of the room. She sets the drinks on the table before going upstairs with Ness.
“How did you forget it was Appa’s birthday, Ness?”
“I don’t know.” She packs her things up. “Why don’t you come with me? He’s gonna blow his cake soon.”
“Oh, I don’t want-”
“Come.” And if there was one thing Y/N knew well about Nessa, it was that she wouldn’t ever forget it was Appa’s birthday, especially if she just celebrated it a couple of months ago. Without a fight to say no, Y/N immediately grabs a hoodie as they walk down the stairs.
“Ryan, I’m going to Ness’ to celebrate Appa’s birthday. I’ll be home soon before Mom and Dad comes home.”
“Oh okay.” Ryan waves at his sister as his arms rests on Cassidy’s shoulder.
“Bye guys!” Ness and Y/N wave as they both exit the house immediately. Harry stays unbothered as he takes another sip of his beer.
“Thank you for getting me the fuck out of there.”
“It’s okay. We don’t actually have to leave you know. It’s 6 PM, I can drive the car to a different neighbourhood and you can cry all about him there.”
“I love you.” Y/N begins to tear up.
“I love you too.”
~
“What’s Tom doing here?” Ryan’s eyes are in shock as he watches his sister hold hands with the familiar boy. What’s confusing is that Y/N went to Ness’ for a birthday.
“He just wanted to come over.” She smiles innocently as she waves hi to the same party. It was just about 7 PM and the double date duo was watching an unfamiliar movie on TV. Nessa called Tom and Y/N had to explain their situation. Although he didn’t really want to do it. He knew Y/N wanted to prove something to the Harry guy. So as long as they didn’t do anything romantic or weird that would cross his boundaries, Tom was okay with it.
“Aw, I didn’t know you were dating Thomas?” Cassidy smiles as she walks in with a bowl of popcorn. She hands it to Carla who is cuddling up against Harry on one of the sofas.
“We aren’t dating.” They both look at each other and laugh. Tom shakes his head and pulls Y/N up the stairs instead.
Once the pair is gone, the dates begin to watch their movie again. “Ryan, you really don’t care if your sister is by herself with that boy?” Carla laughs as she feeds herself and Harry popcorn.
“I’m definitely not going to interfere with that, they’re probably doing the nasty already.” His eyes widen as he stuffs more popcorn down his mouth and although, Harry was keeping his eyes on the screen, there wasn’t anything sitting well with him knowing the girl he was with on the weekend was already in somebody else’s arms.
The goal was to get each other out of their systems, why the fuck are they so jealous then?
great plan Vanessa.
Part deux ici
#harry styles angst#Harry Syles#harry styles smut#harry styles fluff#bestfriend!harry#Dom!Harry#one direction#one direction fanfic#onedirection one shots#one direction smut#harry styles fanfiction#frat boy harry#slowburn#cute harry#jealous!Harry#harry styles stories
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