#anyways I miss being able to make visual jokes and make my friend laugh without almost saying anything hgjff | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ofieugogyshz · 3 years

Text

Fic;; Memories: Riolu IV

Word Count: 8900 officially over 9000 now

Summary: Sarah accepts Cynthia’s invitation to visit her in Celestic Town. On her second day there, she finds herself visiting Cynthia in her grandmother’s home, and, once again, facing an internal struggle that her Riolu, Lance, and Cynthia, were set on helping her with.

Warnings: Lots of bad mental health, self-depreciation spirals, abusive thoughts to self. Also some awkwardness. (But it gets better!)

Notes: This is the thing that’s just been. taunting and harassing me for weeks, and i am so done with it. i am so sorry that it’s like, 2x as long as the others. I really hope it’s worth it to you guys, because I am just so done with it. Edit: Fixed up some spots, and re-pasting it added paragraph indents, so ????

(Series Masterpost)

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After helping me with my Riolu, Cynthia invited me to visit her in Celestic Town.

“I'll be there for a while, researching more myths.”

I told her yes, but when she offered to take me with her, I declined. I said that I wanted to walk the rest of the route to fulfill my Pokedex.

“Oh, you're working on a Pokedex? That sure takes me back...” She had a wistful look on her face. “I went on a big adventure with a Pokedex when I was younger.” I told her to share with me some of those stories when I met up with her in Celestic Town. She gave me her number, and we parted ways for the time being.

I spent the rest of that day and the next playing with my Riolu named Lance to make up for the issues we had ran into. Totally not connected to the Lance of fame. Yep. Definitely not. But it wasn't like I had that much of a choice. My friend, his father's trainer, had named him that for me as a cute little joke. I suppose I could have picked a name and told my friend to name it that. But I wanted to know what a Pokemon was like before I named it; and without the Pokemon in front of me, it was so hard to find an appropriate name. But watching Riolu-- little Lance fight our way up Route 210, I couldn't help but think that maybe my friend Blaze had the right idea in naming him after him. He was definitely strong and determined like his namesake, and showed plenty of care towards other Pokemon.

<<Can we call my namesake today? I wanna tell him how strong I got!!>>

I laughed. Now that I had accepted it, it was cute whenever he asked to talk to Lance. Lance—the human-- thankfully couldn't understand what the little Riolu was saying, but watching him entertain the notion was cute. Endearing. Enjoyable.

I looked at the time. Lance might be available now...? I had tried calling him earlier, but it went straight to voicemail. Probably working, I thought to myself.

“Let's try again after we get to the Pokemon Center in Celestic, so you guys can see each other with the videophones.”

And so we went through the rest of the route. It was a rather annoying route; there were many obstacles in our way, not including the fog that limited visibility. It took a few days to traverse the rest of the route by foot. I was able to train up my Pokemon a lot more than I expected. But even with the great training it provided, I was so relieved when I finally saw the rustic buildings nestled away in the mountain range. Even if it hadn't been Celestic, I would have been grateful just to stay a few nights away from the mess that was the foggy mountainside.

It was daytime when we arrived. I immediately looked for the Pokemon Center and checked in. When my Pokemon were returned, I let Lance out of his Pokeball.

“You know what, I think I'mma call you 'Little Lance', if that's alright with you? It's a little confusing talking to my friends about the both of you...” That was only partially a lie. I thought it might help distinguish them, yes, but I also still felt a little embarrassed calling him by that name... I was hoping a working towards a middle-ground might help.

Lance considered it for a moment, then shook his head.

<<Nope.>>

“Aw, but c'mon! It's super cute, calling you 'Little Lance'. Ooh! I could even call you 'Lil Lance'”

But he wouldn't budge.

“Ugh, fine then.”

<<Can we try calling Lance now?>> he asked, pointing to the videophones. I thought about it for a moment.

“I suppose so... It's almost time for our weekly call anyways.”

<<Yes!>> Lance curled up his fist and pulled it back in excitement. It was so cute to see him emulating a human gesture; he must've picked that up from me in the last week.

I picked up one of the receivers and dialed Lance's number. My heart was pounding, as it always did whenever I called him. Often I worried that I was being a bother. Things like, “Maybe I should call back later,” would plague my mind. But for some reason, I felt less nervous about it now. Maybe because Lance the Riolu was there, just as happy as I was to talk to him, that it made me feel less scared.

No answer still.

“Hmm... Weird.” The landline recording asked if I wanted to leave a message; I hung up. It wasn't that important to me to miss once. I had to let it not be important.

<<What's wrong?>>

“He isn't answering. Hope everything's alright. He's probably busy with other stuff right now.” I wonder if they officially made him Champion yet, or if they're still filling out the paperwork on that, I thought. He had mentioned that a few weeks ago; though that had little to do with him not answering. My thoughts were wandering far away on the topic, musing on what that conversation would be like when he told me that it was officialized. Lance tugged at my pants.

<<Can we visit Miss Cynthia then?>>

“Yeah, let me just see if she's available.” I pulled out the number she gave me, slowly typing it in. It rang once before being answered. There was no visual, so I found myself staring at a screen that just said “No Visual”, accompanied by the image of a Chatot.

“Hang—Hang on a moment.” Cynthia's voice sounded far away and strained, like she was just out of reach of her phone. The distant sound made me curious on how she had answered it, but I didn't have time to think about that, because she suddenly came in much louder and clearer.

“Hello?”

“Hi, is this Cynthia? It's Sarah.”

“It is! I'm glad to hear from you! Are you nearby? I can go out and meet you if you want.” She sounded eager, excited. Had she been looking forward to this? I didn't think so. I was just a trainer she had met twice; and younger than her, I would later discover. Maybe the sound of her happy voice was because she just had a breakthrough with her research, and she couldn't wait to tell someone. I highly doubted she was excited to hear from me, after all. Not after the impression I gave last time.

Lance looked at me, his ears drooping a little as he examined me. Ah. Right. I shouldn't be thinking a thought like that. I guess that was something both Lances wanted me to work on.

“I'm already at the Pokemon center,” I told her. I scritched behind Lance's ears, making him feel better. It helped me, too. “I just got in.”

“Oh! That's perfect! I'll come get you.”

We hung up. She arrived in about fifteen minutes, brushing dust and dirt off of her coat as she arrived. Based on what I had seen of her in pictures and in person, I never would have imagined that she could look so disheveled.

“Where were you?” I asked. Lance and Pika both ran over to greet her.

“Oh, excavation. Have you learned about the Celestic Ruins yet? It's why I love coming back here so much! I can show you later, if you'd like.”

“N-no, that's fine for right now...”

We hadn't made any plans for the visit, so Cynthia gave me a short tour of the small town. In its center was a crater, and in the center of that crater was a small shrine. She told me that it dates back to ancient times; many of the town's residents still prayed to the deities and Pokemon they believed were tied to it. Behind the shrine was a cave; on each side of the cave's entrance were two large drawings, of what I presumed were ancient or mythological Pokemon. Beyond that, there was little of interest to passing trainers. The town was so small that it lacked a proper Pokemart. Instead, an old couple sold things from their home for any passing trainers that needed to restock between Mt. Coronet and their next destination. I wasn't sure if it was surprising or just interesting that the Champion considered this town her favorite.

For lunch, she took me to one of the few places to eat in the small town. While there wasn't much to catch Cynthia up on, I found myself excitedly telling her how Lance and I got along better since we last saw each other. She listened intently, speaking thoughtfully and giving me advice. I found myself asking her for a casual battle-- not one with her title on the line, but as between new friends.

“Very well then,” she said. “I should let you know-- I plan on going all out!”

“Couldn't ask for a better match myself!”

I sent out a Luxio and a Roselia, both Pokemon that I had caught here in Sinnoh. They were doing great at Gym Battles, and I figured the experience with a Champion might help them grow even stronger. Cynthia quirked an eyebrow, interested in the unspoken challenge of a doubles battle. She sent out a Garchomp and a Gastrodon. The double Earthquake duo had a huge advantage over Luxio; Roselia could handle Gastrodon, but that still left her Garchomp. As we battled, I did my best to keep my two Pokemon from fainting, but there was only so much they could do at their current strength. We both called back our Pokemon when the battle was over.

“That was a great match! The confidence in which you issued your commands allowed your Pokemon to trust you, and they responded well! I can't wait to have another battle with you when they've gotten stronger.”

“Tch...” Though she gave me high praise, the defeat still stung. “We should have another match with my aces.”

“Hmm. Perhaps another day... Don't forget that the key to growing as a trainer is to challenge yourself! Playing it safe is going to deprive yourself of new possibilities.”

She was right on both counts. One battle was enough for now. I had gotten a glimpse of what waited for me when I would challenge the Sinnoh Elite Four and its Champion, and I felt myself eager to train with my Pokemon for when that day would come. Beside me, Lance had looked on in awe, little tail wagging during the battle.

<<I want to battle too!>> he said to me. I knelt down to pat his head.

<<Maybe next time.>>

The next day, I headed over to where Cynthia was staying. We realized that we had a shared interest in mythology, so she invited me over to look at some of the texts that her and her grandmother kept. Pika followed behind me with Lance. I could hear the both of them talking happily amongst themselves, and I smiled. It was nice to hear him feeling like a member of the team again.

When I got to the address Cynthia gave me, an older woman answered the door. She adjusted her glasses, looking me up and down.

“Um, hi. I'm here because Cynthia invited me. This... is the right address, yes?” I looked at the address she had hastily scrawled down for me, and showed it to the woman. She didn't bother looking at it.

“That's correct. My granddaughter told me that she would be having a friend come over. Didn't think it'd be someone so young.” I winced. She motioned for me to come in, closing the door behind her. I took a look around. Stacks and stacks of paper were all over the living room, or what I thought was supposed to be one. Cynthia's grandmother followed my line of sight and sighed. “Pardon the mess. When we both really get into our research, it shows.”

“Ahaha, it's okay. Kind of reminds me of my room,” I said without thinking. Woops. Probably shouldn't've mentioned that. That wasn't a good impression, but hopefully it wouldn't mean something bad to them, if it came back up.

“In here.” Cynthia's grandmother had led me down the hall and stopped in front of one of the doors. “Cynthia's already in the library. She said she wanted to pull out some texts for you to read before you got here. Knowing her, she's probably already got a huge stack prepared for you. I'll be going out for a walk, so if you need anything, let Cynthia know.”

I was alone in the hall with my Pokemon. Lance and Pika stood on either side of me, looking up at me. I was a little nervous, and her grandmother's comment on my age left me feeling a little unsettled. Was she expecting someone older? How much older? I just realized that I don't even know how old Cynthia is! Is it really okay to call ourselves friends if she's much older than me? But I found the nerves paling in comparison to my excitement. I was excited to have someone else to call a friend; excited that the local Champion had called me a friend to her grandmother. But more importantly, I was excited to see the library that she had. All the books, all the texts, the myths and years of research that people had put into studying these things-- even if I was only interested in reading only the myths, being surrounded by so many books would be so exciting! Old books had that especially exciting aesthetic appeal to them, just thinking about it...

<<Are you okay?>> asked Lance. He tugged at my clothes, pulling me out of my reverie.

“Ah, yes. Thank you. Sorry, I got a little excited...”

<<You must really like books.>>

The comment made me smile. I took a deep breath and knocked loudly on the door.

“Come in!” I could hear Cynthia's faint response through the door. I turned the doorknob and pushed.

The sight of so many books greeted me. They were on the walls, stacked against shelving on the walls. Some stacks were so high that some of the desks and chairs were buried and hidden from view. Everywhere I turned was littered with books, folders, and handwritten notes.

“Sarah! I'm so glad to see you!” I could see Cynthia in the center of the room, holding a cup of tea. I could barely make out the sight of some fancy-looking seats centered around a coffee table in the middle of the room. I smiled, and closed the door behind me.

“Thanks for inviting me!” I said. I started walking towards her, my Pokemon carefully hopping from low bookstack to bookstack like the floor was lava. I began to talk excitedly, sentences running into each other as I couldn't wait to share what I had to say. “I'm so glad you asked me to come over, this is so amazing, and---L-Lance!!! W-w-what're y-you doing h-here?”

I stopped dead in my tracks, face flushing, unaware that there was going to be company. Much less company that I liked.

<<I'm sorry, was I not supposed to jump on the books?>> asked my Riolu. The sudden change in my reaction, the strange query mentioning his name, had left him confused. It took him a moment to realize what was going on with me. He looked to where I was stuck staring, as though I were stricken with a Glare attack and could not look away. I heard a happy yip from him, and he ran towards the red-headed trainer that was seated on the couch.

<<It's him!!! It's him!! My namesake!! We get to meet my namesake!!!>

“You must be the little Riolu that I've been talking to over the phone!” I heard Lance say. He caught the little Riolu, ruffling the top of his head. My Riolu looked up at him, starry-eyed, before turning back to me. I was still stricken to the spot. Cynthia came over to me, gently pushing me behind the back to lead me to a chair that was seated on the side, between both of theirs.

“Come on in! Don't be afraid to sit down with us!”

“I-I'm not!” I said quickly, the words out of my mouth before I realized what they were. I shut my mouth right then, glancing at Lance, before looking back at Cynthia. She gave no indication that this was intentional, but I had the underlying sense that it was... I was suddenly hyperaware of how I presented myself. I quickly placed my hands in my lap. I kept my legs together, though one foot would begin bouncing in place before I knew it.

Pika had heard the excited commotion and came over to me, peeking her head over a pile of books to look. When she saw who it was, she ran over and happily nuzzled Lance on the cheek.

I felt simultaneous embarrassment and envy of her at that moment. I could have cried. I wanted to cry.

Sensing the conflicting emotions, Lance-- the Riolu-- came over to me and climbed into my lap. He was emanating so much happiness from meeting Lance –the human-- that it started to put me at ease. I wrapped my arms around my Riolu, gently resting my chin on his head, wishing I could have fiddled with something instead.

I watched as Lance picked up my Pikachu and set her down on the couch, gently scritching her under the chin.

“And hello to you too, Pika! It's been awhile since we've seen each other, hasn't it friend?”

“Chu! Pika pikachu!!”

<<My namesake! My namesake!!!>>

This was going to give me a headache, if I didn't die from embarrassment first. I tried to suppress a groan, and looked to Cynthia once more, trying to get help from her. Any kind of help. But her attention was already towards Lance, ignoring my distress.

“I'm glad to see that you're such good friends with Sarah's Pokemon already.”

“I've met her Pikachu several times, both in and out of battle. The Riolu is new.” He turned towards me. “I hope he hasn't been giving you too much trouble?”

I sat up straight when he addressed me. “Hm?! Oh! Um, n-no, not recently,” I said, lying a little. But I could feel Riolu become a little angry with me for the lie. He didn't like me being dishonest, it seemed. “A-actually, Cynthia helped us with a, uh, misunderstanding about a week ago, so things are actually better than before!” I gave him a nervous smile.

“I see.”

“It was moving to see. Sarah really is passionate about her Pokemon.”

“Y-yeah, I am.” I turned towards Lance, asking him the same question that I asked earlier when I came in.

“W-what are you doing here, Lance? I thought you were busy, with, um. League stuff?”

“Cynthia invited me to come out. She said that she's found an ancient connection between Sinnoh and Johto, and asked if I was interested.”

“But aren't you supposed to be at the league right now?”

“Since we're still in the process of obtaining a new Elite Four member to replace me, the League's been closed. I normally have time off from the Pokemon G-Men when the League is open, so I haven't had as much to do for the time being.” He looked at me, a curious expression on his face. “Why, did you want me to be there?”

“W-what?! Uh, no, I guess? I think?” I didn't know if that was the right answer or not. This was making me so nervous, so on edge. I didn't know which way I should play into this. “I just thought that you wouldn't be able to come this far north, is all.” I looked away, cheeks flushing a little. “You never mentioned it in any of our e-mails or calls.”

“It was last minute,” Cynthia interrupted. I looked over at her; she had been watching the conversation. Her legs were crossed, one elbow propped up on a knee as she rested her chin on the back of her hand. She had an inscrutable smile on her face, but the body language told me all I needed to know. She definitely planned this. I felt my face grow hotter as I realized it, and all the implications that could mean. Riolu squeaked as my arms tightened around him.

Cynthia continued. “I had the breakthrough a few days ago, and I thought he'd be interested. I found some text that suggests that Sinnohans may have moved over to Johto, but the connecting thread mentions a cave that no one's been able to find in Johto. Not yet, anyways.”

“She thought that I might like to try and find it.”

“Ah.... I see...”

“Oh! Before I forget, these are some of the books I wanted to show you, Sarah.” Cynthia got up to grab a small handful of books. She placed a few of them on the table in front of me; I was so apprehensive of the situation now that I couldn't even glance at their titles. My Riolu looked at the books curiously. “You might enjoy familiarizing yourself with Sinnoh's myths and traditions. It's a region that's full of beauty and history!”

She handed Lance the other books she held. I watched as she spoke so passionately to him about the ruins that she had found mentioned in her texts. I found myself a little jealous. Cynthia was a beautiful, confident, and an amazing trainer. She had no problems talking to Lance and keeping him invested in a conversation. And I could barely talk to him without becoming extremely flustered, stuttering and stumbling over my words, uncertain of which ones to say at all. I wanted to say all of them, in all the ways and combinations, until I could find the best ones to say to him. But with that desire to talk to him came the same conflict of being noticed, of being watched, of being paid attention to. As much as I wanted it, I didn't want it; because if he saw me, then he was watching me. And if he was watching me, then that meant that I could be judged one way or the other over something I did. Something I said. The way I looked, the look I gave off. I didn't want him to think less of me because of that. Cynthia, on the other hand, didn't seem to care about the mess that her library was in. She knew who she was and confident that it was more than enough to be liked, to be respected. I yearned to have that kind of confidence, that fearlessness. But I had to be liked. I had to be well-liked. I couldn't stand letting someone think worse of me for an accident or lack of attention or knowledge.

So I sat there, quietly watching the two of them as they became more invested in their conversation, until I thought myself forgotten about. The things they spoke about were beyond my current knowledge, and I, for once, could not interrupt. The two of them got up to look at something else in the library, ancient maps I think. I sunk into my seat, letting out a long sigh. Riolu looked up at me from where he sat in my lap, confused and concerned.

<<What are you feeling right now? I know the confusion.>>

Jealousy, I thought back. I was jealous of her. Not to a bitter extent, but... She probably could have-- I couldn't finish the thought, the mere idea of it making me hurt. I wanted to cry. Riolu turned around to press his forehead against mine.

<<I don't understand your feelings, but I do know that you're in pain right now. I hope you can feel better.>>

“Thanks.”

I watched as Cynthia helped Lance find reference materials for the Sinjoh ruins that she talked about. He hadn't heard of it before, and Cynthia speculated it was somewhere far north of his hometown. Lance placed a hand on his chin as he thought, looking carefully at the maps she had on the wall and the documents she showed him. It looked natural, seeing them together. Perhaps if I was in a better place emotionally, I could have enjoyed watching him in a different element.

The two of them seemed to flow well together, I found myself thinking as I observed them. I didn't want to, but it came unbidden. They looked good together. People probably think... nicer things about the two of them together than if it were me with him. I was not pretty. Today, I didn't feel smart enough to even join in their conversation, though I obviously could have picked up the information. I couldn't deny that, and so, the argument inside my head began.

My thoughts struggled between telling me I was worthless as a trainer and proving all of it wrong. I was good at Pokemon battles, and I had defeated the Champions from Kanto and Hoenn, but I didn't choose to take that role of responsibility that came with being Champion. It wasn't something I could do. It required a lot of work, and I wouldn't have been free to continue on my own journey. On the other hand, it wasn't impressive to not take up the position. That was the only thing I was confident about. All those achievements didn't mean that I'd be interesting to someone. Someone that I struggled to initiate a conversation with, and sometimes procrastinated replying to text or email messages to, and thought for hours on a reply, just because I didn't want to worry about him thinking awful of me. But...

My eyes roved over to where the two of them talked. I felt something awful in the pit of my stomach. A pang of jealously.

I wish I could be like her.

Anyone but myself.

Ugh. I hated these thoughts. But once they started, they wouldn't stop coming.

If he got with me, it would be such a joke. The media would have a field day. And why would he even get with me? Because I have a one-sided crush? That's bullshit. Plus, she can talk to him about things, and hold a conversation, and, damn, even get him to travel to another region for just a myth that she thought he might be interested in? I can't even do that. I mean, I never asked him, but why would I? I know he won't show, even if he didn't have all those responsibilities. And I'm strong as a trainer, but I'm not as experienced as her. I can't even accept that my own selfish feelings might be hurting my Pokemon. I thought I knew a lot, but it's just as much hot air as Eusine. And then there's just... UGH. Expecting someone to get with me, looking like this? A Milktank, no a Snorlax-- wait what was that cat they have here? Purugly. I'm so ugly, so awful--

<<Sarah?>>

It was a sound like a cold drop of water. The burning, burdening chaotic swirl of thoughts stopped, for just a moment. Riolu's thought was like a cool, soothing balm. I opened my eyes. I hadn't even realized that I had them shut, tears welling up in the corner. He touched his forehead to mine. After a few moments, I felt a calming wave of energy sweep through my body, relaxing all the muscles that had tensed.

<<Better?>> he asked, thoughts full of concern.

Yeah, I thought back. I hugged him tight, closing my eyes again. That helped a bit. Thanks.

<<Good. Because you got Miss Cynthia's attention.>>

That made me jump. I opened my eyes again to see her standing nearby, a gentle smile on her face.

"Are you doing okay, Sarah?" she asked me quietly.

"Uhm.. Mm… y-yeah. I-I'm okay now."

"That's good. I'd hate for you to feel awful while we're all here." She gently ran her hand along the back of my head, and rested it on my shoulder. "Please, have some tea. Or, if you'd like, there are more beverages in the kitchen. I could get you something to drink.”

I looked at her, then looked over to where Lance was, still invested in the scrolls.

"Uh, um. No, I'm okay. I have water in my bag. Thank you."

It was strange. She had such a caring aura about her that I wanted to break down and cry to her. To let her know about everything that was upsetting me, including how I was both jealous of her, and that I admired her. That I hated my conflicting feelings. That I lacked the courage I would otherwise have, when it came to Lance. I wanted to ask her for advice, but I hated the idea of needing to seek it. Knowing that she showed so much care to me, a trainer she had only met a few times, was enough to make me want to break down.

But my Riolu, Lance, continued to emanate calm energy, keeping me from reacting in a way that I would have hated. He didn't understand it, but he understood enough to know that keeping me calm was what I needed most at the moment. Crying was one of the last things that I had wanted to do.

<<Thank you, Lance.>> I thought to my Riolu. I'd have to remember to give him a good treat later on.

"Do you want to step outside for a bit?" Cynthia asked me suddenly.

I blinked. I looked up at her, confused. Was she… Trying to get me to leave the room? But… did that maybe mean….

As though reading my thoughts, she quickly added, "I could give you a tour of the house. Though, I suppose we should avoid my room, it is a bit messy from all the paperwork…."

"I, uh…"

"Great!” She turned her head, calling out over her should, “Lance, we'll be back in a bit. If you're interested, there's some books I found on the Johto region, pre-dating the Tin and Brass Towers in that corner over there."

She got me to take off my bag and come with her. Riolu followed, though he didn't have much choice as my emotional support Pokemon at the moment. Pika stayed behind; she was enjoying the small snacks that Cynthia had left out. I couldn't help but roll my eyes at her.

Cynthia gently guided me towards the back of the house. And by gently, I meant that she gently pushed me towards the back, ignoring all confused protests with cheerful replies. She led me outside, to where there was a wide, empty dirt yard. She let out her Lucario, much to the joy of my own Riolu, who now squirmed in my arms so he could say hello to his newfound hero.

"Gahhh… I'm sorry about all this. I should have thought more carefully about it or let you know that he was coming over."

"Wait, so it was planned?" I said, turning around on her. I didn't know if I should have been more angry or shocked that she knew all along about my feelings towards that Lance, and still let this happened. “Or at least the him coming over part…?"

Cynthia leaned against the banister of the porch. She didn't say anything for a moment, as though she was trying to carefully word her thoughts. I waited, trying not to be angry, trying not to be embarrassed.

"I thought it might help," she finally said.

My emotions decided: I was angry, mad at her, though I couldn't put into words why. But…. I believed her. She really was trying to help me. I could feel it. And as I stared angrily at her, I felt my conviction weaken. Her Lucario stood nearby, palms out; he was using his aura powers to connect our spirits so we could better understand one another.

"...You're really scared about this," she said with a mixture of pity and understanding. “And you're right to feel angry; I should have asked or talked to you about this beforehand.” She slapped her forehead, muttering a simple idiot to herself.

"Y-yeah. Yeah, I really am. Both angry and scared. Because I already did this once, like an idiot, and erroneously assumed that that's what you do to like people. That you just... Decide to. And then you tell them that you want to date them and then you become boyfriend and girlfriend or whatever and it all goes uphill from there. But it didn't. And I'm lucky at all that he still let me get to know him after that. But I guess not enough, if I didn't know that he was coming here..."

Cynthia paused, giving a thoughtful hum. Then, she said in a hopeful tone, "Well, what if he wanted to surprise you? When was the last time you guys got to see each other in person?"

Her questions gave me pause to think. I never considered that, but I also didn't think I was important enough for something like that. Like he'd come all the way out here just to surprise me, when my Pokemon journey meant that I could be anywhere between a city and a route, even stuck somewhere. Sure, I normally tell him where I was heading or planning to go; but there wasn't a guarantee that I would have been here. Or anywhere. Planning a visit was one thing, but a surprise one....?

"C-c'mon now…" I looked away from her, eyes searching ground for things to say. Burnt orange dirt greeted me as an answer. A single rock, a couple of weeds, more dirt. Nothing useful that could be said. “There's no way that he'd... wanna... I mean, I'm not someone important. I'm just a stupid, annoying teen, annoying some guy that I kn--” I stopped, horrified. “Oh Arceus, I should be leaving him alone, shouldn't I?! I bet I seem like some crazy stalker fangirl and-- ugh. Damnit, Sarah, how could you be so stupid!? You're bugging him so much--"

I was cut off as an unlikely hand-chop came down on my head, causing me more surprise than pain. Doink.

"Owwwowowowowow." I clutched at my head, tears curling up in the corners of my eyes from the pain. I looked up at Cynthia, whose hand was still vertical and poised to chop me on the head again. “What'd'you do that for!?”

“What about all those calls?” Her voice was stern.

"Courtesy. He's just doing them out of courtesy, or to be nice, or because I seem crazy enough that if he doesn't he's worried I might--"

Doink.

Another hand-chop to the head.

I rubbed the top of my head, tears welling up in frustration now.

“You need to stop the negative thinking! He wouldn't take the time out of his busy schedule to do all that just because you annoyed him, Sarah. Trust me; I've had my fair share of crazy fans, and I wouldn't let any of them near me like I've let you. I'm not saying this to get your hopes up, but it's clear that he think you're someone worth keeping near. For people like us, where we're constantly being hounded by media and trainers looking for personal gain and not much else, that's a lot. We have our own lives; but it's hard to let people in them. And with the frequency of those calls that you guys have--”

“E-EH?! W-w-wait, y-you know... a-ab-about.... th-those!?” The way she had so casually said it this time had caught me off guard. I don't know why I hadn't froze up at the first mention of the calls mere minute ago.

“Lance told me.” At the sudden deep blush that set across my face, she clarified. “Your Riolu, I mean. ...I see now why the name might have been difficult for you.”

“Oh.” I still felt alarmed, but I relaxed a little. That meant he wasn't sharing stuff like that with other people. Not that I wanted him to. I didn't want to think about what it meant if he was sharing that to someone else, especially not with Cynthia.

“I apologize, for not telling you that he was coming over. You were so afraid and scared to say Lance's name,” she said, nodding towards my Riolu, “that I thought having you come over while he was here might have helped. I didn't let you know because I thought that you might run away... And I thought that you might appreciate the surprise of getting to see him again, in person.”

“I--” I stopped to think about it. She was right; I would have thought about running away. But I realized that, despite all the fluster and frustration and everything else that just happened, it was nice to see him again, in person. I hadn't gotten to see him in person very often the last few years; part of that happily avoiding the awkwardness awarded to me by my thirteen-year-old self, while also us having our own, vastly different paths in life at the time. But, even with the information that Cynthia had now shared with me, I thought that maybe I should keep my distance from him. To leave him alone, and not bug him like I usually did. To not repeat the mistakes of the past. To make sure that I didn't do that.

I really wished I could have been better about that.

“You do like getting to see him again, right?” Cynthia asked me, noticing that my thoughts had started to spiral again. I felt myself flush right up, stammering out a reply.

"I-I… I'mma… Y-you're n-n-not… wr-wrong about… about that…." I crossed my arms, looking away for a moment so I wouldn't have to face the consequences of admitting it.

Cynthia laughed. "Who knows. Maybe this might help you get closer to him, so you're not always stuttering!"

"I'M NOT STUTTERING!!!" I shouted at her, face red. “I just…. Fumble… and stumble… over my, uh, words………."

"Can you even refer to him by name?" she asked, sounding concerned for a moment.

"Err, um… that is to say…. Uh…." I hung my head. "N-no… n-not r-really."

"Why do you think that is?"

"Um…." I paused to think. Why do I have trouble using his name? ...ah. That's why. I looked down, and I picked at the sleeve of my shirt. I didn't want to say the words.

"Because I don't think I'm worthy of saying it."

There was a solemn moment between the two of us. Putting it into words made it feel so surreal. It made no sense to think that way, or feel that way. After all, I was a human. I was a damn Champion; I've beaten his ass at Pokemon battles more times than it was worth, when I was much younger. So then, why did that not mean something? Why was I venerating a name that anyone could have? Even my own Pokemon had suffered because of those feelings.

Then, as I was contemplating the absurdity of it, Cynthia started laughing, wiping tears from her eyes as she approached me.

"Wh-WHAT?!" I shouted, embarrassed and confused. "I REALLY DO THINK- er, feel… That way… I guess."

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for laughing. But just… The way you said it--"

"Ugh! Why did I even come out here with you?! I should have just gone off and trained!" I turned away, crossing my arms angrily. She came up and gave me a consoling hug.

"You really shouldn't feel that way about yourself," she said quietly. "Regardless of whether or not you're in love. It's not good to hate yourself like that. You are worth so much, and I see so much potential in you, both as a trainer and as a person. Don't give up on your dreams, because someone told you to feel this way once."

I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to will myself not to cry.

“W-what if...” It was a struggle to get the words out. “Wh-what.. i-if.... it w-was... m-m-more... se...several... people?”

“Not even then. Their lies are not what's true about you.”

Her words and compassion had finally gotten me to cry. Feelings that I kept pushed down inside myself burst forth. I turned around and pressed my face against her, trying to hide it, but so painfully aware in some part of my brain that it would result in some snot on her coat. It was embarrassing. But she didn't show anything other than kindness as I broke down. She soothed me with comforting words and hushes, gently rubbing my back. When I had finally stopped, spent of the emotions that I had kept bottled up, she recalled her Lucario and guided me back inside. We stopped in the kitchen for a moment; Cynthia suggested that I get something to drink before returning to the library.

Riolu had followed behind us, watching everything with quiet awe. I could feel that he had a query for me, but he couldn't quite formulate it clearly. And even if he had, I wasn't sure that I could answer him.

“Lance,” Cynthia called out sweetly to my Riolu. “Do you understand what just happened here?”

He shook his head, mouth slightly open.

“Ri.”

“Sometimes, when things hurt for us, we try to hide it. But if we keep doing that, then it gets to be too much to hold back. Sometimes you have to let yourself cry. Or scream. Or whatever it is that your emotions are making you feel. Sarah seems to be especially fond of holding them back. I can't say she's particularly good at hiding them, though.”

“Thanks, Cynthia,” I said wryly, face heating up as I took another drink. It was embarrassing having her explain things to my Pokemon, because it also felt like she was trying to wink-wink-nudge-nudge me about how to solve my own emotional issues. I should have been more than capable of doing that myself, without the explanation from someone else. She continued.

“So if you feel like she's ever in need of letting out her feelings, you might need to pull her aside and get her to open up to you. It might not be as easy as it was today. Sometimes, in order to protect herself from her feelings, she might fight you on it. But you'll have to be patient and wait her out, letting her know that you're there for her.”

“Ri...”

Riolu jumped up to hug me, startling me for a moment.

<<I promise to help take care of you!>> His feeling was sincere. The energy behind it, the strength of his feelings, almost made me cry again. I shook my head, trying to focus elsewhere.

When I calmed down, we walked back to the room. I was staring at the door again, mentally preparing myself once more to enter. The calm that I had gained was slowly giving way once more to nervousness. I found myself worrying that it would show all over my face that I had an emotional meltdown. (Cynthia told me it didn't look like I had been crying, but I wasn't convinced.) I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm down while it felt like every fiber of my being was racing. My skin felt like ants were crawling all over it. I rubbed one of my arms and took a final deep breath.

Cynthia smiled at me.

“You ready?”

“Y-yeah. I'll be fine.” I picked up my Riolu, hugging him tightly. “I've got this Lance with me to help keep me calm.”

“Ri!” His tail wagged.

“We're back!” Cynthia called out when we entered. I could see Lance's tuft of red hair over by the table that we had been seated at earlier.

“Welcome back!” he replied. We walked over to him, and I could see Pika curled up beside his lap, taking a nap. I instantly felt envious of her. To just so casually....! Lance noticed that I was looking at her, and gave a small laugh.

“I came over to read some of the books, when I noticed that Pika had been left behind. I thought it was odd, but she didn't seem to be bothered by being separated from you. In fact, she curled right up next to me and fell asleep.”

I blushed. My Riolu looked up at me.

<<She felt confident that I could help,>> he said. <<I'm not sure why that is. Miss Cynthia was the one to help you the most! I think she just wanted to eat the cookies without sharing...>>

I frowned when he told me that. I put him down and picked up Pika, sitting down on the couch as I did so. I held her up, away from me, waiting for her to wake up.

Pika gave a sleepy little yawn. She squeaked when she saw me staring at her with an unamused expression. She squirmed, giggling as she tried to get out of my grip. I let go of her with a short sigh, and she fell into my lap. With a carefree attitude, she climbed back up the couch to sit on my shoulder, nuzzling me. She was definitely trying to be trouble.

“Honestly...”

“Is everything okay? It's not often that I don't see her without you.”

I jumped up for a second, forgetting that he was there. I tensed up, and feigned ignorance. “Hm? Oh, uh, Riolu said that she wanted to eat all the cookies and not share.” I gave him a nervous smile. “Some days, y'know?” I had no idea what I was trying to get at, honestly. But I hoped it was enough of an answer to avoid any future questions.

Now that I was no longer giving my Pokemon a condescending stare, knowing what her real motive was, I realized that I had sat next to him. On the same couch. I felt my face heat up and I slowly started to scoot away. Ah, but that's too obvious. Ah, quick! I patted the space next to me, motioning for Riolu to come sit there. He tilted his head at me, but obliged, climbing onto the couch. I scooted over more so he could sit between us; Lance raised an eyebrow at me.

“Ah, I forgot to mention it earlier, but Riolu's really excited to meet you!” I gave him a nervous laugh, and fumbled around for a further explanation. “Though I guess that much was obvious earlier... Ahaha... I thought, um. Well, uh... I don't really know how else to explain it, so just! Accept that he wanted to sit next to you!!”

Smooth.

As if picking up on the cue, Riolu turned towards Lance and wagged his tail. It wasn't disingenuous, as he really was excited to meet his namesake.

<<Hi, I'm Lance! I was named after you!!>> He stood up on the couch and held out his paw to Lance.

Panic coursed through me. My face instantly turned red and I grabbed Riolu. I pulled him away, hand over his mouth while trying to resist the urge to grumble something into his ear.

“What... did he say?” Lance sounded concerned, but I could hear muffled laughter from Cynthia, seated across from us. I had forgotten about her, but now wasn't the time to deal with her.

“O-Oh! Uhhh...ummm... y-y'know... how some.. Pokemon, just... say.... silly....things? To, um, their heroes?” I winced, feeling like the lie wasn't much better. My Pokemon wasn't satisfied with it either, and frowned. I could feel the dissatisfaction, right there, in my arms.

“I can't say that I know... Seeing as I haven't had any Pokemon talk to me in the same way that Riolu seems to with you.”

“Oh!” I let him go, and Riolu crossed his arms, pouting. “That's, um...” That's great! I wanted to say, but I knew that it was a very enviable thing to be able to understand Pokemon clearly. In specific words.

“That's, err, too bad, I think?” I relaxed, relieved that my Riolu hadn't somehow instantly been able to connect to and bond with Lance like he had with me. “I mean, it sucks, when they um, just have a lot of cool things they want to say to you! He thinks you're really cool!”

“And what else does Riolu think,” Cynthia said from the sidelines. I gave her a sharp look, and she stifled her laughter.

“Okay, I don't know what Cynthia thinks is so funny, but he really does look up to you!” I said, finally giving a genuine statement. “He's wanted to meet you for awhile now. And, it's, uh, it is nice to see you outside the league, for once. And not because of work!” I added, remembering that one time I had run into him. He was on a mission with the Pokemon G-Men, and somehow the events of that created this... issue. “I was just, um, surprised earlier to see you anywhere but Kanto or Johto, really. So I'm sorry if it seemed like I was being rude.”

Lance seemed to be confused by what I was saying, and I rolled my eyes and shook my head, frustrated at myself.

“Nevermind. Sorry if that didn't make any sense.”

He gave me a strange look, perhaps because my own words were strange enough without all the context on my end.

“I accept your apology, though I'm not really sure what it's for.”

“Um, 'cuz I thought maybe it seemed like I didn't want you here?”

“It didn't seem that way to me.”

I paused, trying not to overthink on what he just said. “I—oh, um. Good.” I nodded, trying to sound certain of myself.

An awkward silence followed, but it was shortly interrupted by Cynthia.

“Sarah,” she turned to me. “Where is your next badge located?”

Bless her for changing the subject to something less nerve-wracking. Riolu perked up at the mention of the Gym Challenge, and uncrossed his arms. I looked up at nothing in particular, trying to recall where I was told to go next. It was on the west side of Sinnoh, somewhere closer to Twinleaf Town than this side of Mt. Coronet.

“Umm... I think the city's called Canalave?”

“Then you should definitely make sure to train up your Riolu!” Cynthia looked excited, eyes brimming with energy and the teasing forgotten. “The Gym Leader is Byron; he's a steel-type user. Would you like to stay for awhile and train with me?”

I blinked. The offer was extremely honoring, and I couldn't figure out a reason to say no. “Sure, I'd love to! Thank you very much Cynthia.” I looked down towards the little Pokemon beside me. My Riolu jumped up, looking starry-eyed at Cynthia, tail wagging excitedly. “I'm sure Riolu would love it too, if he got to train with your Lucario!”

“Of course. I'd be more than happy for them to train together!”

“Would it be okay if I joined the two of you for your training?” Lance asked suddenly.

I felt myself freeze. I was not expecting that. I looked at him, scrutinizing him. Was there a joke in this? A prank? I was suddenly suspicious, wondering if somehow he and Cynthia were in on something. But if they were planning something like this all along, I couldn't tell; not from him. I quickly looked towards Cynthia, who clasped her hands together, smiling.

“That would be great! Incidentally, how long are you planning to stay in Sinnoh?”

“I've got a few days before I need to head to Blackthorn City.”

“Excellent! Then it's settled. We'll all train together!”

So maybe it wasn't planned. That didn't stop Cynthia from flashing me a devious smile right after. I couldn't help but feel apprehensive that she had something else up her long, black sleeves.

“That reminds me!” She pulled out a poster from under one of the books, and showed it to us. It had a drawing of a starry night sky, with what looked like shooting stars falling across it. Under that was the shrine, and the area around it was decorated.

“We're having a festival in a few days. Because we're away from any of the larger cities, the night sky is really clear. It makes it easy for us to see a meteor shower that happens once a year. It's one of the few things that draws visitors to Celestic Town, giving them revenue. The both of you should go! I'll be busy helping the town run it, so I won't be able to show you guys around, but I think you'll have plenty of fun exploring it without me!”

I felt my insides go hollow, instantly recognizing what Cynthia was doing. She was setting up an opportunity... for... a... I couldn't finish the thought, too frazzled to think it. I could only hope that, between the blanched feeling I was having and the inevitable blush that was to follow, my complexion looked relatively normal. Because I wanted to scream. And run away. And never come back.

Cynthia just gave me that, sweet, innocent, inscrutable smile, now decipherable, as a little nudge forward. She knew exactly what she was doing, and I hated that I wanted to thank her for it, too.

25 notes · View notes

calpalirwin · 4 years

Text

Snapshots and Snapbacks

Summary: It’s easy to flirt with someone when you don’t expect them to call your bluff

A/N: College!Cal

Content: Sexual situations/mentions, mentions of drinking/drugs, my usual bullshit

Word Count: 10.3K

And away, and away we go!

~~~

The first time Brooke saw Calum she almost gasped out loud. There was no way a young man could be that pretty. Then he spoke and her heart raced in her chest.

She spent most of that semester staring at the pretty boy with the prettier handwriting rather than the board.

When the semester ended, she had exchanged only a handful of words with Calum, but that didn’t matter. She hoped their paths would cross again and that she would be braver about pursuing a friendship at the very least.

Two semesters later, having nearly forgotten about the pretty boy who was held her interest a year ago, he strolled into her last class of the day, and her smile broke out in a wide grin. “Cal!” she waved, motioning to the empty desk next to her as all those feelings that had laid dormant bubbled to the surface once more. “Missed ya man!”

“Shit, what up, girl?” he smiled back, bro-slapping her hand in greeting. “Was starting to think you graduated.”

“Nah,” she laughed with a shake of her head, her hand tingling from the feel of his palm against hers. “Last semester, though.”

“Shit, look at you go!” he praised.

“Thank you, thank you,” she continued to laugh, brushing imaginary dirt off her shoulders, grinning when his laugh joined hers.

~~~

Her hand reached into her bag of pretzels at the same time a Vans-clad foot shoved the leg of her desk chair. “Pst!” Calum whispered loudly, giving her desk another nudge. “Pst!”

She turned slightly in her desk to look at him, his eyes crinkling around the edges from the wide grin on his face. She tilted her chin upwards in a silent question of “What?” and stifled a laugh when he held his hand out and pouted. She laughed quietly, shaking her head as she dumped some pretzels in his waiting hand, both of them stifling more laughs as the bag crinkled in the dark and quiet classroom.

That would not be the last class he stole her snacks, thereby deeming himself Cal the Snack Thief. She damn near lost in when she brought Teddy Grahams and he let out the loudest moan stuffing them into his mouth with a “I haven’t had these in FOREVER!”

~~~

“Hey, you stole my shirt,” she joked, pointing between the shirts they were both wearing: a grey NASA tee.

“Nah,” he grinned. “Bet I had mine longer, so technically you stole mine.”

She chuckled as she took her seat. “Fair, very fair.”

“Where’s your hat?” he asked, noticing the blonde streaks in her brown hair for the first time, wondering if she always had them as she always had her hair hidden by a hat.

She pushed a hand through her hair, the blonde more noticeable as her hair flashed under the lights. “Oh, I wore a beanie today cuz it was cold. But I took it off because it made me look like shit.”

“Has it ever occurred to you that it was you making the beanie look like shit, not the other way around?” he asked teasingly.

She reached over to give his shoulder a push. “Shut up, you jerk,” she laughed before swiping the hat he wore on his own head and putting it on her head. “There, now I have my hat,” she said, sticking out her tongue at him.

Calum let out a small gasp of disbelief. Unbeknownst to her, Calum also liked Brooke. He liked that she was quick-witted in every aspect; that she could go from voicing the most complexly profound thoughts to giving the snarkiest of retorts. And he’d be lying if he said that every time she mouthed off didn’t stir his dom side wild. Like now. She continued to smirk at him before turning to face forward in her desk, her hands coming to rest cockily behind her neck, fingers interlacing. He leaned forward and snatched his hat off her head. “Shouldn’t take things that don’t belong to us, Brooke,” he breathed in her ear, getting smug satisfaction at the way she shivered.

But then, that bratty look was on her face as she turned in her seat to fire back with “Says you, snack thief.”

~~~

She heard the footsteps running up behind her before Calum was letting loose a scream behind her. She laughed and pushed his shoulder, laughing more as he stumbled over his feet. “You scared me, you jerk!”

“Yeah?” he asked, his brown eyes shining proudly.

“No,” she admitted, pushing him again. “I heard you, dumbass. If you had grabbed me though, I probably would’ve screamed.”

“Aw, shit. I had my headphones in, forgot you could hear me running.”

“You idiot,” she chuckled, pushing him a third time while he danced away from her, half chuckles falling from his own lips.

“Skip with me,” he directed.

“Skip with you?”

“Yeah! C’mon!” And then he was skipping down the sidewalk. She laughed and followed suit. God, how he could be so cute and dorky while being sexy as hell was beyond her. And totally unfair.

“So, where you headed?” she asked as they stopped skipping and fell into a relaxed walking pace.

His shoulders shrugged as he gripped his backpack straps. “Was gonna play some pool. Did you know we have a game center on campus? It’s fuckin’ sick.”

She rolled her eyes. “You really are an idiot.”

“What?”

“DiD yOu KnOw We HaVe A gAmE cEnTeR oN cAmPuS?” she mocked. “Of course we have a game center.”

“Well, shit, I didn’t know about it until Monday, okay Miss Smartypants? Shit…”

“I’m teasing, you goof. But, pool, huh?”

“Yeah, I’m not very good. But it’s a good way to kill some time.”

“Aw, don’t wanna go home?” she teased.

“Not to 3 dudes, I don’t!”

“Aw, roommates, how cute.”

“Yeah, I’m a broke ass college student. ‘Course I got roommates. You don’t?”

“Nope,” she answered, popping the “p” sound. “I’m a RA so I get a single at a discount.”

“Nice, look at you, baller.”

She shrugged. “It is what it is.”

“You mean you can have sex without anyone bothering you, you mean.”

She gasped in shock, “Calum!”

It was his turn to shrug as he grinned dangerously. “Am I wrong?” he challenged.

“That is none of your business, sir,” Brooke laughed, grateful it was dark out so he couldn’t she the blush in her cheeks.

“Aw, c’mon, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

“That we most definitely are,” she agreed, bypassing his original question. “And this is you,” she added, gesturing to the student center.

“This is me,” he confirmed. “See ya Monday, then?”

“Yeah, see ya in class,” she nodded. “Have fun.” Then, in a moment of bravery, she leaned for a hug.

His arm wrapped around her shoulders and she was slightly taken aback by the warm softness that radiated from such a strong arm. “See ya, girl,” he whispered as they broke apart.

By the time she let herself into her room, she had already sent him a friend request on Instagram and he had accepted.

~~~

Her fingers shook over her keyboard, the message chat open on her phone. She had been too shy to impose herself on his game of pool the other night. But he had said they were friends. Friends could play pool together.

Babbling_Brook: How’d playing pool by yourself go lol?

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Actually one of the pool sharks in there came up to me and wanted to play some frames. It was a really good time.

Babbling_Brook: Oh shit that’s cool! We should play sometime before class lol. See if I still suck.

Her fingers shook with nerves as she waited for his message.

Calpal_hoodie: Haha down!

She let out a breath of relief. Good. He had agreed. Now to make it happen.

Babbling_Brook: Sick. I’m free before class for like 3 hours.

Calpal_hoodie: I have about an hour before.

Babbling_Brook: Sweet, I’ll be able to practice beforehand so I don’t make a total fool of myself lmao.

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! I’m nothing special, it’s okay

Babbling_Brook: We’ll see on Monday then who sucks more lmao

~~~

It was a slow drag to Monday and the impending date to shoot pool. It seemed to both like an eternity had taken place between Brooke’s last message Friday morning and her message Monday afternoon that included a picture of a pool table set up and waiting.

Babbling_Brook: Let’s go, playa!

Calpal_hoodie: I didn’t do the worksheet for class! After?

Her heart sank a little in her chest, but she wasn’t surprised her friend had procrastinated the idiotic assignment that was due every class.

Babbling_Brook: Do it in class lol

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Sounds good! He doesn’t collect them until the end of class anyway.

Babbling_Brook: Exactly dude!

Calpal_hoodie: Dude! Did I tell you how I bought a new stick? Won’t be here til tomorrow though…

Babbling_Brook: Nice! Table’s set, btw.

“Oi! Over here!” Brooke called out across the room, recognizing that head of dark curls anywhere.

He broke out in a grin, as he hurried over to her. “What up, girl?” he asked, giving her a one-armed hug.

“Not much,” she said, gesturing to the pool table. “Wanna break?”

“Oh, we’re not playing 9-ball?” he asked, brown eyes scanning the table set up.

“No? Because I don’t know how?”

He nodded, placing the cue ball how he wanted, his pool cue sliding through his fingers. “After this, I’ll teach ya?” he asked, taking his shot, the balls clacking loudly, one sinking into a pocket.

She clicked her tongue in her cheek and nodded. “For sure.” Then, “I thought you were bad at this.”

He chuckled at her as he lined up his next shot. “I am. But I also watch a lot so…”

“Visual learner, nice,” she said, taking out her phone and snapping a picture of him leaning over the table. He missed and she moved around, plotting her own shot. “I learn by doing,” she admitted, taking her shot and missing. “Damn,” she muttered, shaking her head.

“Learn by doing, eh?” he smirked.

“Was about to turn that into a sex joke myself,” she laughed. Again, when he was busying himself with his turn, she snapped more photos of him. He quirked an eyebrow at her in silent question when he caught her on the third go-round. “What?” she asked, her cheeks flushing. “I like taking candids of my friends,” she half-lied, pocketing her phone. “I like capturing people in their element. Not posing for the camera or putting on a show. Just them being a hundred percent themselves.”

“Mhm,” he replied with a note of playful skepticism. Then, to make conversation, “You said you had a girlfriend, yeah?”

She laughed at the bold directness of the question. “What?! No!”

“No? Shit… I could’ve sworn… Aw, I’m so sorry!” he sputtered, his brown eyes wide and worried he had offended her. He was enveloping her in a hug before she knew it, his chest solid against her. “I love you! Don’t hate me!”

She laughed as they pulled apart. “I might have said I want a girlfriend, but I don’t actually have one. I wish.”

“You and me both,” he laughed. “Shit, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to...”

She waved him off. “Seriously man, it’s cool. You’re half right. I’m bi. It’s really fun to piss guys off by saying I’ve made out with more girls than they have. I mean, I’ve only made out with 2 girls. But still. You’d be surprised how many guys haven’t even done that.”

He nodded in appreciation. “Sick. So was it a boyfriend, then, and I just misheard?”

“Well…” she paused to think about it. “I mean, I’m seeing someone.”

He nodded and she detected the way his face fell for a moment. His face fell more when he sunk the 8 ball in the pocket and the cue ball followed. “Shit, good game.”

She laughed. “Thanks! It’s almost like you did all the work for me!”

“It’s cuz I did,” he laughed with her. “Alright, so 9-ball,” he started to explain as he set up the table. “You play with 9 balls.”

“Mmm, kinky,” Brooke snorted. “Continue.”

He rolled his eyes at her joke. “And you go in order. As long as you hit the first number in the sequence first, you’re good.”

Their game made them a few minutes late to their class, both of them giggling as the sped-walked across the room. “No, sit in front of me,” he whispered as she took her regular set in the row beside him.

She rolled her eyes but moved anyway, giggling more before reaching into her backpack to grab her snack. She pushed it to the bottom edge of her desk so he could reach. “More pool after class? Or you got plans?” she whispered, leaning back in her seat.

“Yeah, I’m down for a few games,” he whispered back, his hand reaching into the bag of teddy bear shaped graham crackers. Then, “So, you’ve only ever made out with chicks, but have you…?”

She gasped at the question he left hanging between them. “Yes, I’ve had sex. But only with one dude.”

“The one you’re seeing?”

She nodded. “And your body count?”

He snickered into his hand. “Way more than one.”

She turned, her eyes wide. She shouldn’t be surprised. He was a good looking guy. Too good looking if she could say so herself. Of course he was using it to his benefit.

~~~

“So, the guy?” he questioned, eyes trained on the pool table after class. “Must be good dick if he’s the only one?”

She laughed from her spot on the stool. “I guess? I mean, I wouldn’t know any different.”

“Aw, how cute,” he teased.

“Shut the fuck up,” she laughed at him, then put her hands on top of her head and sighed. “Fuck, I need to get fucked though.”

“Yeah?” he asked, his eyebrows shooting up.

“Yeah. Haven’t seen him in like a week.”

“You seeing him tonight?”

“Yeah.”

“Shit, what are you doing here playing pool with me for? Go get your dick girl!”

She rolled her eyes. “He hasn’t texted me he landed yet. I got time.”

“Long distance?”

She shook her head. “Nah, he was just traveling for work.”

“Nice,” he nodded. “So tits or ass?”

“My preference? As a girl with no ass herself, I’m a tit woman.”

He let out a chuckle of agreement. “No offense, but doesn’t seem like you got much tits either.”

She scoffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “I’ll have you know my tits are huge.”

“Bullshit. What size?”

“Triple D, bitch!” she stated proudly.

“Bull-fuckin-shit! Bet that is the roomiest fuckin bra in the planet.”

“Wouldn’t you like to know,” she smirked. “So, you a dom or a sub?” she asked, keeping the conversation going. If they were talking sex, she was going to get every inch, figuratively speaking.

He let his breathe in a sputtering huff as he thought, he hands raking through his curls. “Depends I guess.”

“Aw, you a switch?” she teased.

“Are you?” he challenged, equally playful.

She shrugged. “I’m a brat. Like I gave this guy the perfect chance to dom me and he flopped. It was kinda sad.”

He laughed. “What did you say?”

“I forget what started it. But I ended up asking what he was gonna do about it. And he just shrugged.”

His eyes went wide and his nose flared slightly at her words. “Oh yeah. Asking what I’m gonna do is gonna get the dom out. Like, excuse me?”

She laughed and shifted in her seat under his gaze. “Yeah! That’s what I expected was going to happen. But nope! What a shame.” She didn’t catch his muttered agreement as her phone buzzed. “Oh, yay! He landed.”

“Gotta go?” he asked, busying himself with taking his shot to hide his deflation.

“Nah,” she waved her hand. “We can finish the game. He’s still gotta get here.”

“Alright, for sure,” he said, perking back up again.

The game didn’t last much longer as Calum remained his innocence that he really wasn’t that good and Brooke proved that she actually wasn’t good. “Alright, I’m out,” she said, setting her pool stick aside. “See ya Wednesday?” she asked, slinging her backpack over her shoulder.

“Yup,” he said, giving her another one armed hug. “Go get that dick.”

She laughed as they let go and walked off calling out, “I fuckin will!”

As she tidied up her room, waiting for her actual date, she sent Calum the pictures she had taken of him earlier.

Babbling_Brook: Some of the better shots I took

Calpal_hoodie: Nice! Had a great time. Let’s do it again, yeah?

She grinned at her phone before responding.

Babbling_Brook: Oh for fuckin sure. New after class ritual lol?

Calpal_hoodie: Down

Babbling_Brook: Sweet. We should try the little bowling thing they got. Maybe I can actually win lmao

Calpal_hoodie: You a good bowler?

Babbling_Brook: Nope! But my dude makes mini bowling alleys for a living so I like to think I got a slight advantage lol

Calpal_hoodie: Oh, gotcha! He home yet?

Babbling_Brook: Nah. He’s stopping to get us burgers first.

Calpal_hoodie: Animal style burger then fuck me animal style lol?

Babbling_Brook: He fuckin better!

Calpal_hoodie: Jesus lmao. Hahaha. Love it.

Babbling_Brook: Look, my hand and vibrator only do so much before a girl just needs a real dick. And THAT’S why I’m only half gay.

Calpal_hoodie: With the technology y’all have with vibrators… so much pressure is put on the men I’ll have you know. When a vibrator can hit “your spot” a million times without fail… it really sets us up for failure lmao

Babbling_Brook: Well maybe I have a romantic kink then lol. I need human touch more than I need a damn vibrator.

On the other side of campus, Calum hung his head sadly, wishing more than he cared to admit that he was the one providing her with that human touch she craved.

~~~

On Wednesday, Brooke carefully plotted her outfit. She was a bit bitter that Calum hadn’t believed her about her boob size, and she was determined to make him regret ever having doubted her.

She admired herself briefly in her tank top before she threw on her hoodie and hat.

~~~

She was leaving the gym and was headed for the game center when her phone pinged.

Calpal_hoodie: Syllabus doesn’t have a worksheet for today so guess who’s ditching?

Babbling_Brook: Bruh… so pool?

Calpal_hoodie: Yeah I’ll be playing pool until my pussy appointment later tonight. So like til 8 probs.

Her heart sank a little. But she supposed it was her fault for bragging about her own sex life.

Babbling_Brook: Shit, get it!

Calpal_hoodie: Yeah. So I’ll be playing with some of the pool sharks, but if you wanna swing by, I’ll play a few games with ya.

She chuckled and took a quick selfie of her with the pool tables behind her.

Babbling_Brook: “swing by later” bitch get on my level lmao

Calpal_hoodie: Haha! Okay I see you I see you.

Brooke chuckled to herself as she pocketed her phone and watched the door for him. She had shrugged herself free of the hoodie long ago, the Southern California weather providing more warmth than seemed logically possible for the middle of February. She drummed her fingers impatiently against her leg, her mind debating whether to get a table for herself or just to wait.

She narrowed her eyes when Calum finally did stroll in, and right past her, a man on a mission. Rather than storming over there like she wanted, she took out her phone and snapped more photos of him, enjoying seeing him in his element. Then, she picked up her things and strolled over.

“Just walk right by me, huh?” she greeted teasingly, her hand going to rest on his shoulder.

His brown eyes shined brightly and he grinned as he turned towards her familiar voice. “Hey! Shit, my bad,” he responded, wrapping her in his famous one-armed hug. “Must’ve walked right by you.”

“Yeah, I saw you walk by and was like really?”

“I’m sorry!” he laughed, pouting his lips at her. “Do you have a table?”

“Nah,” she waved her hand. “I’ll watch for a bit. We’ll play ourselves later.”

“Cool, for sure,” he nodded before engaging himself with the small group of guys already playing at the table.

She pretended to busy herself with her phone or studying the table, anything to distract herself from studying him. She had her back turned when his fingers brushing across her bare shoulder made her jump. “Nice tattoo,” he murmured as he retracted his light touch, her skin on fire.

“Thanks,” she mumbled, her cheeks flushing as her own fingers flew up to trace the sunflower his fingers had been tracing mere seconds ago. “I like yours too,” she added, pointing at his arms that held much more ink than her single small shoulder piece.

His soft chuckle tickled her ear as he stayed close behind her. “Also, I owe you an apology,” he said, his eyes darting downwards briefly. “I see it now with the tank top.”

“Told ya,” she smirked over her shoulder at him.

His eyes went wide in realization. “Wait! Did you wear a tank top on purpose?”

She scoffed and averted his gaze. “What? That’s ridiculous. No I- yes I did,” she laughed, not able to keep a straight face. “Did it work?” she asked with a hopeful voice.

He let out another soft chuckle in response, then, “Go set up a table. I’m almost done with this game.”

“Aw shit, are we keeping you from your girl?” one of the guys Calum had been playing with asked.

The two friends jumped apart. “What? No! We’re just friends!” they both blurted before Brooke walked off to the front desk to get a table for her and Calum.

“Sorry about that,” Calum said, a hand rubbing at his neck when she came back.

She waved a hand dismissively. “Don’t worry about it. It’s harmless.”

“Yeah, I suppose you’re right,” he chuckled. “Could you imagine though?” he asked with a raised eyebrow and slight smirk.

She laughed at his bluntness. “I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t,” she answered truthfully.

“Oh yeah?” he questioned, cocking his head to the side.

She shrugged. “You’re a good looking dude. I got a nice rack. I’m also smart as hell. We get along. Wouldn’t be a whole lot different than what we’re doing now.”

“Shit, I suppose you’re right. Too bad we’ll never know.” His shrug mirrored her own, his words meaning different things to each of them. To him, he was referring to her “seeing someone” and to her it was solidification that a guy like him would never go for a girl like her.

“Yup,” she said, just to have something to say as she lined up her shot.

“Here, can I tell you something?” he asked suddenly.

“Yeah, shoot,” she said, straightening up, intrigued.

“You bridge with your thumb,” he told her, pointing at her hand still resting on the pool table. “Which is fine because you can tilt it and such. But lie the rest of your knuckles flat on the table. It’ll give you steadier control.”

“Oh. Like this?” she checked, adjusting her hand slightly so her knuckles were flat against the green felt rather than tilted at an angle.

“Yeah, there you go.”

She bent back over the table to take her shot, fully aware of how heavy his gaze felt on her.

They remained quiet as they went about playing their game, minus the small muttered curses at a missed shot, exchanging soft smiles as they moved about the table and each other. When he won, he high-fived her. “Good game. You almost had me. Play by yourself for a bit and I’ll be back to check on you? I’m gonna go get in on another game with them if I can,” he said, jerking a thumb at the table in front of them.

“I’ll be here,” she smiled at him, feeling the heat rush to her cheeks at his mention of checking up on her. She lost herself in focusing on her own game, but her gaze still fluttered over to him more than she intended. And every time she looked away, he looked over at her.

“You good?” he asked, coming up behind her.

She pushed the strands of hair that were falling in her face out of the way, having discarded her hat a while ago. “Yup. How’s your game?”

“Oh we finished. But the other guy wants to play so here I am. Mind if I?” He let his gesturing finish his question as his large hand swept over the table.

She took a step back, “Go for it.”

Again, they didn’t say much. This time though, she busied herself with getting lost in the music playing from the speakers around the room, singing softly and moving her hips to the beat. He tried not to stare, but it was hard not to. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get her off his mind. There was something in the way she just felt familiar to him, like he didn’t have to put on a show. He could just be, and she would just accept it, no questions asked.

He drummed his fingers against his thighs after he cleared the table, pondering his next move. “Alright, I’m heading back over there. But, uh…?”

Brooke chuckled. “Go do you. I’m fine.”

She played another two games by herself without Calum coming back. She set up for a third game, and left it there before walking over to where he was. “Hey,” she said, putting her hand on his shoulder, feeling her heart race when he turned and grinned at her.

“Hey!”

“Hi,” she laughed at his happy nature, his eyes rimmed red.

“We’re a little high. Wanna hit?”

“Nah, I’m good, thanks.”

“Don’t smoke?”

“No.”

“Have you ever?”

“Once.”

“Nice! Oh, I’m gonna go get some food. You guys want anything?”

“I won’t say no to a cheese pizza. Since you’re offering.”

The other guy muttered something about how pizza sounded great, pulling out his wallet.

“Nah,” Calum waved his hand. “Don’t worry about it. I offered.”

“Ah, well shit. I’ll get next time then. I don’t like mooching.”

Brooke laughed and touched Calum’s shoulder again. “Oh, I don’t give a fuck about mooching.”

Calum laughed with her, before his eyes got playfully dark. “Venmo me, bitch.”

She laughed more, “Nah, I’ll pay you in other ways, yeah?” she teased , eyes darting to his lap.

The other guy clapped a hand to his mouth as he snorted in laughter. “Damn, you gonna suck his dick right here?”

Brooke ran a hand through her hair, “Cal wishes.”

“Right. You guys aren’t together. But like… would you?”

Brooke shrugged and opted for honesty, “Yeah, I’d fuck him.”

“Nice. And you?” he asked Calum.

“Me what?”

“Would you fuck her?”

“Given a chance? Oh, hell yeah.” He reached into his backpack and took a hit off a vape pen before walking off in search of pizza.

“So are you with someone else or is he?” the guy asked Brooke.

“Uh… little bit of both?” she said skeptically with a shrug as she took a seat on the stool.

He nodded. Then blinked. “Wait, what do you mean by that?”

“Well, I’ve been seeing someone for years. But weren’t not… serious I guess? More of like a super close friendship that involves sex.”

He nodded again, understanding better. “So dating without the label?”

She chuckled. “Yeah, I guess. And not for lack of trying on my part. I mean, I like the dude, obviously. But I’d also like to say I have a boyfriend.”

“Mhm. And that one?” he asked, jerking a thumb towards where Calum had wandered off.

“Oh, Cal’s single. He’s actually going to hook up with a chick later.”

“And that chick isn’t you?”

She shook her head. “Nope.”

“Why not? You just both admitted you’d fuck each other. You guys seem to get along. And he hasn’t stopped checking you out.”

She blushed. “I think I ruined it by telling him I was seeing someone. I think he thinks it’s an actual relationship. And I don’t know how to bring that up. Especially now. ‘Hey Cal, remember how we just said we’d fuck each other given a chance? Well, I’m actually single. Surprise!’? No. He’d think I was just saying it. And I’m not into people thinking I’m using them.”

The guy nodded for a third time. “Fair enough. Fuck, I’m so high right now. Shit, I gotta get to class. How long does it take to get pizza?”

Brooke chuckled as she pushed back her hair. “Want me to go check on him?”

“Would you mind?”

“Nah, not at all,” she said getting up. She would take any excuse to be with Calum.

Calum had a beer in his hand and was sitting at a table, his head down as he looked at the phone in his other hand. She couldn’t stop herself from suppressing the urge to place her hands on those squishy cheeks as she moved towards him but at the last second, her hands placed themselves on either side of his head, giving him a playful shake. “Hey!” he said, brightening up as he realized it was her. “I got a beer,” he added, showing her the beer in his hand. “The pizza should be out soon. I got a medium cuz it was cheaper.”

“Smart move,” she agreed. “I didn’t know you were even old enough to drink.”

He quirked an eyebrow at her. “I’m 22. My birthday was a couple weeks ago.”

“Shit yeah? I turned 22 back in December.”

“Aw, we like birthday buddies almost.”

“Almost yeah. Hey, I didn’t make things awkward when I admitted I’d sleep with you, did I?”

“No,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean, I admitted the same thing. We’re still cool.”

“Cool,” she smiled.

“So what’s up? Come to check on me?”

“Yeah, thought I’d keep you company. Plus the guy’s gotta get to class so he’s getting a bit impatient.”

Calum’s laugh rang out in the pizza shop. “Guess he’s gonna be late to class. But, tell him it shouldn’t be much longer?”

“Yeah, for sure,” she said, patting his shoulder before walking back to the game room.

“Aw, damn, was hoping you’d both come back,” the guy said, seeing only her return.

“Sorry, man. Cal got a medium cuz it was cheaper so he’s gotta wait. Should be done soon though.”

“Alright, no problem,” he had just enough time to respond before Calum was walking to them, a pizza box with plates in one hand and his beer in the other. “Awesome! Wish I didn’t have to grab and leave, but I gotta get going. Got a quiz.”

“No worries man,” Calum told him, handing the other man a plate and opening the box. “Sorry it took so long.”

“Nah, don’t worry about it. Thanks, man,” he said, loading his plate up with slices of pizza. “Catch ya later. Nice meeting you…” his voice faltered as he looked at Brooke.

“Brooke,” she supplied. “Nice meeting you too.”

“Yup. See ya guys.”

“Thanks for the pizza, Cal,” she said, putting a slice on the plate he handed her.

“No problem. Needed to eat something. Aw, he took like all the pepperoni,” he frowned at the box.

She looked at the box with him, her heart fluttering that half of it was cheese for her. “You could’ve gotten it all pepperoni.”

“But you wanted cheese,” he said, taking a sip of his beer.

“You’re cute, you know that?” she asked, being bold and taking a sip of his beer herself, wincing at the taste.

“Hey!” he laughed, snatching his beer back. “Getcha own beer.”

She made a face. “Yuck! You can keep it. Ugh. Nasty!”

“So you don’t drink either?”

She shook her head. “That makes me like the most boring person on the planet huh? College girl who doesn’t drink or smoke.”

“Nah,” he said with a shake of his head. “One of my roommates is the same way. So you just don’t like the taste or you scared?”

“Scared? I’m not scared of anything.”

He laughed. “No! I didn’t mean it like that. Not scared of anything, huh? Should’ve guessed. I just meant… some people don’t drink because they got a family history. So they’re more… aware of the choices they make. Or don’t make, I guess.”

“Is your roommate one of those people?”

“Yeah. Being an alcoholic scares him. Rightfully so. Shit’s scary.”

“You don’t seem scared yourself.”

He shrugged. “I like to think I know my limits. Like this will be the only drink I have.”

She nodded, approvingly. “I’m just not a big fan of the taste. But, I’ll drink every now and then. But even then, it’s barely enough to give me a buzz. I like being in control.”

“Ooo, a dom, eh?” his eyes danced playfully.

“Says the switch!” she laughed. “No. I’m just a brat. Don’t have enough confidence to actually be a dom. I’m all bark and no bite.” Her voice trailed off as they ate their pizza. When she caught him lip syncing to the music playing through the speakers, she spoke up, “Like this music?”

He nodded, a slight red tinge undertoning his tanned cheeks. “Yeah. But I’ll listen to just about anything.”

“Yeah?”

“Well, yeah. I mean, I play and sing, so…”

“Yeah?! That’s awesome. What do you play?”

“Bass, mostly. My roommates and I are actually in a band.”

“No shit?” she asked. “Would love to watch you play sometime then.”

“Yeah? Shit, I’ll tell you next time we practice, then,” he promised, reaching into the pizza box. “Aw, shit, is there any left?”

She nodded. “Should be one more.”

“Yeah? How many did you have?”

“This is my third.”

“That was my fourth. Last one’s yours then.”

She shook her head. “No. You bought it. You take it. I’m good.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Game?”

“For sure,” he nodded, taking a big bite of the slice.

They played at a slow pace, taking their time. At one point he went back to his pizza slice to take a bite, but held it out to her in offering. She grinned and instead of taking it from his hands like he expected, she leaned down and tore off a piece with her teeth. “Thanks,” she continued to grin around the bite, making him laugh. They loved how easy it felt to be around each other, quirky banter without any sense of awkwardness or trying to impress the other. Just straight up honesty at every turn.

“Ugh!” he muttered in frustration as he missed what seemed like an easy shot even for her. “I’m getting mad!”

She covered her mouth with her hand and giggled so hard she let out a loud squeaky wheezing sound.

“Was that you?” he asked.

She nodded, her body continuing to shake with her laughter. “Sorry. I do that when I laugh too hard. You’re cute when you’re mad, you know that?”

“You know that you’re just cute?” he asked back.

She blushed and busied herself with taking her turn, opting not to respond.

“So what’s your favorite position?” he asked her.

“Shit!” she sputtered, bringing a finger to her lips in thought.

“My bad. You don’t have to answer.”

“Nah, it’s cool. Just a good question. Shit… Uh… well I’m a little romantic at heart, so probably missionary. But I like others too.”

“Yeah? Missionary’s my favorite because I can pull her hair and make her look at me.”

Her eyes went wide. “Ooo, into hair pulling huh? I love pulling and getting my hair pulled.”

His own eyes went wide and his cock twitched in his pants. “Yeah? What other positions do you like? You said there were others.”

Her cheeks flushed. “Yeah,” she stammered. “Well, uh… like most girls I assume, I get off through clit stimulation. So 69 is like a gold mine. Doggy’s also nice.”

He nodded approvingly as his cock twitched more. “Wanna know the nice part of doggy?” he asked, his voice catching a little.

“What?” she laughed, knowing she had him about as flustered as he had her.

“You get to pull her up by her hair and play with her clit,” he winked.

“Ayyyy! That’s exactly why I like it!”

“It’s definitely on the list of positions I like too. Plus I get to choke her a bit. That’s why I like missionary too.”

“Any position you can choke and pull her hair, huh? See, I like doggy because I get both of those and some ass smacking. All my kinks in one position.”

“Aw, you got them soft kinks,” he teased.

“Shut up, so do you!” she laughed.

He sat down in a high-backed chair that rocked slightly with his movements. “Aw, shit, this chair would be perfect to have a girl riding me on,” he acknowledged with a horny look. His teeth sunk into his lower lip as he gripped the armrests and made the chair rock more. “Just, a little this with her hand choking me. Phew… Clutch, lemme tell ya.”

“Annnd, there’s the switch,” she giggled.

“Look, I only like being dommed when she’s riding me. Otherwise, I’m domming.”

“Next you’re gonna tell me you like being called ‘Daddy’,” she scoffed at him.

The way his eyes lit up at the title had her gulping involuntarily. “Fuck yeah. The girl I’m gonna hook up with later- we’ve hooked up in the past- she called me ‘Sir’ once and I corrected her so fuckin’ hard.”

She laughed to hide her arousal. “You’re so weird.”

He smirked at her as he stood up. “Aw, got you a little flustered, do I?” he breathed down at her once he had closed their distance

“Like I don’t have you just as flustered,” she shot back, rubbing her hand against his cheek. “Daddy,” she added with a loud laugh. She pursed her lips in a knowing smirk of her own at the way he looked: his eyes clenched shut, hands curling in a fist, and teeth biting into his lip. “What? I shouldn’t touch you?” she continued to play with him, dropping her hand to draw it down his torso, enjoying the feel of his muscles underneath her fingertips. He radiated strength in a way that made her weak in the knees and wet between her thighs. Thankfully for her, she could hide her arousal better than he could.

“You really shouldn’t,” he said, his lips barely moving, and his brown eyes practically pitch black with lust.

She shrugged and stepped back. “Your shot, by the way,” she told him, gesturing at the pool table.

Right. Pool. He had nearly forgotten what he was originally here to do, his mind full of thoughts that centered around bending her over the pool table and wiping that smirk off her face. Her own mind raced with similar thoughts, wishing he didn’t have a hook up date with another girl.

~~~

Brooke wasn’t expecting to hear from Calum until Monday, so when her phone pinged not even an hour after they had said their goodbyes for the night, she was definitely surprised.

Calpal_hoodie: Wanna hear something annoying?

She perked up so much, she felt a little guilty.

Babbling_Brook: Omg, yes! What happened with your date?

Calpal_hoodie: So, she gets here. We drove around to find a spot. I take out my condoms. She’s ALLERGIC to them! So, I drove to a store to get new ones. I drive back. And she’s like “can you drive me back please?” She was about to break down about her break up with her ex and couldn’t handle it. So dry dick for Cal.

Brooke clapped a hand over her mouth to suppress her giggles. On one hand, she felt bad for him. On the other, she was glad his date had freaked out. The fact that- besides playing venting at her- he had let his date call it quits before it even started only made Brooke feel better about her feelings about Calum.

Babbling_Brook: If it makes you feel any better, this chick I’m never gonna stand a chance with called me a pussy wetter. Which like… no… I’m dorky and awkward. I just have a talent for being smooth as fuck

Calpal_hoodie: Lol. You want me to agree with her, don’t you?

Babbling_Brook: I mean… I gave you the set up…

Calpal_hoodie: Lol! Yes, you definitely have pussy wetting potential.

Babbling_Brook: Potential?! Aw, bubbie…

Calpal_hoodie: Bubbie? Lol

Babbling_Brook: Not into pet names? Cal the Snack Thief is a tad long... And again. “Potential”?! Smh… lowkey offended, bubbie.

Calpal_hoodie: So am I… And no! I didn’t mean it like that, honest… When I use the term “potential” it means you already got it.

Babbling_Brook: 1.) Did you just make a big dick joke? 2.) I’m teasing. I know I’m a smooth talking son of a gun. I can talk the panties off a mannequin.

Calpal_hoodie: Yes, yes I did lol. And note taken. That was smooth right there.

Babbling_Brook: I mean… I made you nice and flustered earlier, yeah?

Calpal_hoodie: Oh yeah… fuck! I just want pussy in my mouth with my cock down someone’s throat… is that too much to ask?!

Babbling_Brook: You and me both, bubbie. Only the opposite. But yeah…

Calpal_hoodie: Wake up that dude of yours by sucking his dick then, lmao. I’m gonna get high as balls.

Babbling_Brook: Nah, I’m probs just gonna go to bed. As for you? Yeah, go get high as balls and maybe you’ll forget it’s your own hand you’re fucking.

Calpal_hoodie: Now you’re just making me feel bad lmao

Babbling_Brook: Just being a brat, like whatchu gonna do?

Calpal_hoodie: Lmao, I think you know what I would do… fuck, I’ll probably end up sending nudes to my chick after I smoke. I always get more comfortable doing that when I’m high as hell.

Babbling_Brook: Makes sense. Being drunk/high tends to lower one’s inhibitions so people are more likely to step outside of their normal comfort zone when under the influence (See, told ya I was smart, too)

Calpal_hoodie: Alright, calm down Plato lol

Babbling_Brook: Lol.

She paused and looked at her phone. Her curiosity was getting the better of her. She had to know.

Babbling_Brook: Now… out of pure curiosity… I’m pretty bratty with you frequently. Given the chance, what would you actually do?

Calpal_hoodie: Look at you all turned on asking me lol

She chuckled at her phone. She wasn’t going to let him see her sweat. She turned up the brat charm.

Babbling_Brook: My curiosity is turned on, sure. As for the rest of me? Dry as your dick, bubbie.

Calpal_hoodie: Oh, damn! Alright… so like… what would I do to you sexually? If I had the chance and you were single?

She frowned at her phone, briefly. Was he only this willing to divulge all this information to her because he thought she was with someone else? Because he could freely flirt with her because he thought all it amounted to was just two friends talking shit? She wondered if now was her chance to come clean. Let him know that he had misinterpreted her words when she said she was seeing someone. But, she was afraid he would balk if she did. That knowing there was no actual boundary would be what pushed their relationship into awkward territory. And as much as she liked him that way, she also really enjoyed the friendship and didn’t want to lose that.

Babbling_Brook: Yeah. We’re both single. We have the relationship we do now. I mouth off like I always do. What do you do?

Calpal_hoodie: Well I’d tell you that if you keep mouthing off, you won’t have any room left in your mouth to speak. And of course you wouldn’t want to stop talking shit then. So I’d prove it and make you get on your knees for me… and if we had that room to ourselves, you’d definitely end up over that pool table taking every inch. But… ya know… lol!

Brooke gulped, reading the message, knowing he wouldn’t have told her that if she told him the truth. It was easy to be bold when you thought nothing could come of it.

Babbling_Brook: Oh, so when you said you were a dom, you meant like a dom dom. Alright… I dig.

Calpal_hoodie: Lol oh yeah. And you? What would you do?

Babbling_Brook: Shit… flip the script, yeah? Alright… Well, I’d definitely be much brattier knowing I could probably get something out of it. Test these dom limits of yours. And then get hella insecure that you saw me as a fling. Because even though I started everything in good fun, I’d be secretly craving a relationship like the romantic ho I am.

Calpal_hoodie: Aw! Least you’re honest. Well, would’ve been fun.

She shook her head sadly at her phone. If only he knew this was all entirely possible.

Babbling_Brook: I try to be lol. Like in all reality, I’d let you fuck me six ways to Sunday and then probably cry about it because I’d get all girly about it. But I’d still be my bratty self to you in person acting all cool and unbothered cuz I don’t want to be clingy and weird. Definitely would’ve been a ride for sure- pun fully intended.

Calpal_hoodie: Aw! That’s like both a lil sad but so honest and genuine. Nice pun, btw lol.

Babbling_Brook: Lol, it’s okay though. Cuz, trust, you’d want a relationship. Like I’m fuckin great! I can be adventurous as fuck or we can chill in bed all day watching movies. And I value my independence so like I’m more than fine with you going off with your boys or whatever cuz I like my alone time. Plus, I’ll remind you of what you got waiting for you later…

Calpal_hoodie: Ayyy! Sounds good to me lmao! Fuck, I still gotta smoke…

Babbling_Brook: Cool, cool. I’m gonna hit the hay. Enjoy that smoke and the thoughts we put in each other’s head lol!

Calpal_hoodie: Lmao, will do!

They both did. They both made a mess of themselves at the idea of giving themselves over to the other one.

~~~

Again, Brooke didn’t expect to hear from Calum until Monday at class. So when her phone pinged on Saturday and the notification said it was from him, her eyebrows pinched together in confusion while her heart raced in excitement.

Calpal_hoodie: Hey, I dunno if you had plans or anything. But my roommates and I are gonna have a rehearsal. So if… No worries if you’re busy. Just thought you’d be interested.

Babbling_Brook: Nah, that sounds great! I’m off today. Where you guys at?”

He messaged her an address to a set of apartments she knew was a few blocks from campus. A twenty minute walk, tops. She looked out the window at the soft warm sunshine. A walk would be perfect.

Babbling_Brook: Cool, be there in twenty. Should I bring anything?

Calpal_hoodie: Nah, just your cute ass

Babbling_Brook: Lmao, you mean my nonexistent ass?

Calpal_hoodie: Lol, it’s okay. You don’t need an ass. You got tits for days.

Babbling_Brook: That I do, lol. See ya in a few then.

The music playing in her headphones got caught off by her phone pinging. Her heart sank, thinking it was Calum cancelling. But it wasn’t. It was Trevor, her not-boyfriend.

Trev: Hey

Brookie: Hey

Trev: You busy?

Brookie: Yeah, I’m actually heading over to a friend’s. Gonna watch his band practice

Trev: His? Like a dude?

Brookie: Is that a problem?

Trev: No. So later then?

Brookie: Maybe… What are we, Trev?

Trev: This again? Brookie…

Brookie: I know. I just…

Trev: You wanna fuck this dude without feeling guilty?

Brookie: Don’t put words in my mouth… I’m not trying to fight.

Trev: I’m not either. Look, we’ve dated other people before. You’re free to do what you want Brookie. I’ll be here whenever you’re done having your fun.

Brookie: Don’t do that. Don’t act like I’m the one stringing you along. You wanted this setup, not me.

Trev: I wasn’t saying that to be mean, Brookie, damn. Seriously, have your fun.

Brookie: I’m sorry, Trev. I didn’t expect to feel this way.

Trev: You don’t have to apologize, Brookie. I’m the idiot who keeps you at arm’s length. I know that comes with the risk of losing you to someone who won’t. But that’s my problem, not yours.

Brookie: I’m still sorry. I don’t like hurting you.

Trev: I know. That’s part of your charm Brookie. You care deeply about everyone around you. Don’t worry about me, okay?

Brookie: Easier said than done, Trev…

Trev: I know. See ya around, Brookie.

She sniffed back the tears that threatened to fall, feeling stupid for mourning a loss that was never hers to lose in the first place. All Trevor and her had been were friends who sometimes had sex. Which is why she had known exactly what to say to Calum about what she would afterwards in the event they ever crossed the line and had sex themselves. It had been a projection of her own relationship with Trevor. She just had to keep faith that maybe her relationship with Calum would have a better ending.

She paused to collect herself before she rapped her knuckles on the door of Calum’s apartment. The door swung open before she had even finished knocking and she was being pulled in the apartment and that one-armed hug she only now fully realized how much she loved. “Hey! You’re here! Guys! This is Brooke. Brooke, these are the guys. Ash, Luke, and Mike.”

3 tall guys nodded as their names were called, first a hazel-eyed brunette with a bright red bandana, then a blue-eyed blonde with a lip ring, and a guy with hair dyed the same shade of green as his eyes.

“Hi,” she squeaked, heat rushing to her cheeks. Of course someone as good looking as Calum would have equally good-looking friends.

“You okay?” Calum asked her, his brown eyes full of concern.

She let out her breath in a huff and shrugged her shoulders. “Eh,” she held her hand flat and gave it a small shake. “It’s fine. So do you guys do covers or write your own stuff?”

“Bit of both,” the blonde told her.

“Cool! What would you classify the stuff you make as? Like genre?”

“Punk!” the green-haired man grinned.

Brooke chuckled as the others sighed, “Mikey…”

“We’re mostly rock oriented,” the brunette explained. “But we experiment with different sounds, so I wouldn’t classify us specifically as a rock band. We just make music we like to make. The genre part is irrelevant.”

“Ash, the word smith,” Calum teased with a roll of his eyes as he moved across the room to pick up the bass he must have set aside when he answered the door. “Have a seat,” he directed at Brooke. “Get comfortable.”

She took a seat on a chair while the men went to various instruments. “2, 3, 4,” the brunette, Ash, counted from a drum kit. Brooke watched his thick thigh work to create a steady fast-paced beat, drumsticks twirling effortlessly before her eyes were glancing back over to Calum who had his eyes closed as he played the beat with Ash before the other two joined in with their the guitars and the blonde started singing.

Brooke watched, mesmerized, her jaw dropping when Calum started singing himself. She quickly closed it when he caught her and shot her a wink. She swayed in her seat, her feet tapping along to the beat as the roommates played their way through some songs she didn’t recognize so she assumed they were theirs, snapping the occasional picture.

~~~

“So, how do you know, Cal?” Ash was asking her an hour later as they both sipped on water. The instruments had been placed aside in favor of game controllers and when Ash made a mention of grabbing some drinks, she had realized how parched she had become.

“Oh, we have a class together.”

He nodded, leaning against the kitchen counter. “College girl meets college boy, huh? Same major?”

She chuckled softly, before shaking her head. “No, I’m a photography major. I think Cal’s English, isn’t he?”

He nodded. “Yeah, Cal’s an English major. He always liked to read. But photography, eh? That explains you taking all those pictures.”

She shrugged. “I like seeing people for who they truly are. Are you guys in college, too?”

He shook his head. “Nah, I graduated last year. And those two barely made it out of high school. Cal and I were the only ones who could stick out school. Which is crazy cuz Luke’s mum’s a teacher.”

She chuckled more. “Mum… what are you, British?”

“Australian, darling. We all are. Cal didn’t tell you?”

She sputtered, choking on her water. “What?! No! No, he didn’t.”

He giggled and a dimple appeared in his cheek. “Yeah. Luke and Mike have dreams of being rockstars. And they’re our boys and it’s our band. So when we graduated high school, we all moved out here. But, Cal wanted a college education. And I had already completed a year myself at that point, so I joined him. And Luke and Mike… well, their talents lie elsewhere. They’ve gotten us a few demos made. We even have our own albums and perform at festivals. Just waiting for Cal to get done so we can make it big time.”

“Sounds to me like that won’t be that hard. You guys got some serious talent.”

“Yeah? You think?”

She nodded. “Yeah. So you’re a year older then?”

It was his turn to nod. “There abouts. I’m 23. Mike and Cal are 22. Then Luke’s the baby. He won’t be 22 until after my 24th birthday. How old are you, if you don’t mind me asking.”

“Oh, I’m 22. I’m about two months older than Cal.”

“Nice. And you have a class together with Cal?”

She nodded. “Yeah. We had a class last year which is how we met. Honestly, I didn't think he noticed me at all. Then, this semester we ended up in another class together, and I guess I made more of an impression than I thought.”

He smiled down at her and she thought she’d drown in that hazel gaze. “Oh, you made the impression alright. Mate doesn’t shut up about you. Always going on about the girl in class with the snacks and snark.”

She laughed loudly, covering her mouth with her hand as she blushed. “Don’t know why he would. I’m really not much. Just a girl who doesn’t know when to shut her mouth.”

“Should see yourself from someone else’s point of view, darling. Cuz, you’re a bombshell, if I can be so bold as to say so.”

She sputtered again. “Oh yeah?”

He leaned down, his gaze heavy on her. “Oh, yeah.”

“Hey!” Calum’s voice snapped darkly and Ash and Brooke jumped apart, Ash giving his friend a sheepish grin, Brooke’s face bright red like she had got caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “The fuck, Ash?”

Ash raised his hands in defense. “My bad. Line crossed. I’ll back off.”

“Yeah, back the fuck up. She’s got a boyfriend.”

“You’re dating?” Ash’s hazel eyes flashed in startled confusion.

Calum’s brown eyes rolled. “No. She’s got a boyfriend.”

Brooke fiddled with her fingers. “Um… actually…” she started, her voice small, both slightly frightened and turned on by Calum’s protective jealousy.

“You don’t have a boyfriend?” Calum’s voice asked, the fierceness replaced by a tone that sounded on the verge of breaking. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I said… and you assumed… and I didn’t… Cal, we said…” Brooke’s hands started to flutter at her sides, her eyes welling up with tears. The girl who normally had more words than she knew what to do with was speechless.

“Whoa… hey,” his voice soothed and then he was pulling her into a hug. But instead of one arm, it was both, and she was about to crack from the soft intimacy. “C’mere,” he said before he was leading her down the hallway and into a bedroom. “Brooke, it astounds me how fucking blunt and honest we are with each other. Like the shit that comes out of your mouth blows me away sometimes. But you really couldn’t feel like you could tell me that you didn't have a boyfriend?”

“I’m sorry…” she whispered. “I… what Trevor and I have is hard to explain. It’s like we’re a couple without the label. And it’s always been confusing for me. And I didn’t want to try and explain that and get us both confused, so it was easier to let you think that he was my boyfriend. And then… well, we admitted what we admitted and… I dunno. I think it was easy for you to say those things when you thought nothing could come from it.”

“You think I said those filthy things to you just to say them?”

She shrugged and bit into her lower lip. “Maybe… Easy to flirt with someone when you can hide behind the fact that nothing will come of it…”

“Is that why you let me believe you had a boyfriend? So you could hide?”

She shook her head. “No! I just… look the relationship I had… have… I dunno… it’s not fully what I want. Yes, we’re friends. Yes, we have sex. But I want more than that. And he doesn’t. And that’s fine. But… I can’t do it with you, too. And I know it’s probably on me for being the proud tomboy who likes to be one of the guys. But I can’t keep being the girl who’s not good enough to be the girlfriend.”

“Jesus…” Calum breathed, running his hands through his curls.

“Don’t,” she said, standing up. “It’s fine. I’m the hopeless romantic living in a hookup culture world. Um, I’m gonna go now. But, I’ll see you Monday? Want teddy grahams or pretzels?”

“You’re doing that thing you said you would do,” he muttered.

“What thing?” she asked, forcing a smile.

“Where you said you would act cool and unbothered to not come off as clingy and desperate.”

“I said weird, not desperate…” she mumbled, staring down at her shoes. “See ya, Cal.”

“On your knees,” his voice barked at her as her back turned and her hand gripped the knob of the bedroom door.

“Excuse me?” she asked, turning back to face him, her face a mix of sad longing and confused anger.

He stalked over to her. “I said,” he spoke, his voice low and raspy as his fingers dug into her shoulders. “On. Your. Knees.”

She looked at him in full confusion but sank to her knees anyway. “Cal… What are you doing?”

“Making good on my word of what I would do to you if I ever got the chance,” he answered darkly. Then his face was inches from hers and it was full of soft concern. “That okay?”

She gulped and nodded. Then, as he went to straighten up, “Wait! Cal?”

“Yeah?” he asked, crouching back down.

“What happens after?”

“You said you’d make a great girlfriend, didn’t you?”

She nodded.

“I’m willing to give that a try if you are.”

She nodded again. Then, “Cal?”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, Brooke. I’m a romantic, too. This is about making sure we both get what we want. And I want you.”

“I want you too, Cal.”

“Good,” he smiled before pressing a soft kiss to her lips that made her stomach do flips. “Now, open up that pretty mouth of yours,” he said, tracing his thumbs over her lips to part them as he straightened up once more. “And it’s ‘Daddy’ from here on out,” he added with a smirk before his fingers were undoing his jeans and pushing them down along with his boxers.

“Yes, Sir,” she grinned saucily, her mouth watering at how big he was.

“There’s my brat,” he cooed in a manner that sent shivers down her spine. “Gonna fuck that attitude out of you real fast, sweetheart. You’ll learn.”

“Do your worst,” she taunted.

~~~

They were a breathless mess of tangled limbs and soft kisses in his bed. “Fuck, Ca- Da- Um…” she giggled while her cheeks flushed brick red. “Shit, I dunno what to call you now…”

His chest rumbled beneath her with his chuckle. “You can still call me, ‘Cal,’ sweetheart. ‘Daddy’ is just for bedroom activities. I’m not that kind of dom.”

She nodded. “Fuck, that was amazing.”

“Plenty more where that came from too, sweetheart. This is only the beginning.”

She sprawled across him to reach for her phone that was in her pants. “Can I?” she asked.

He nodded, pulling up the blankets to make them less exposed as she snapped some pictures. “You said you take pictures because you like seeing how people are when they’re fully themselves?”

“Yeah…”

“So what would those snapshots of you look like? If you were able to take candids of yourself.”

She thought for a minute then showed him the pictures she had just taken. “Probably a lot like this. You make me feel… well you make me feel a lot of things. One of which happens to be total relaxation. I feel like I can just be. No act. No bullshit. Just me.”

“Good, cuz I happen to like just you a whole fuckin lot.”

~~~

Tag List (Leave a message at the beep)

@goeatsomelife @flameraine @cashtonasff5sos @here-for-the-uproars @cxddlyash @1-irwin-94 @baldcalum @sparkling-chaos @tea4sykes @youngblood199456 @5-seconds-of-obsession

#snapshots and snapbacks #calum hood #calum hood fic #5sos #college!cal #galcal irwin

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wonhoonz · 5 years

Text

𝐢𝐦𝐚𝐠𝐢𝐧𝐞 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐭𝐥𝐞 𝐬𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐟 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐲𝐥𝐢𝐬𝐭 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐡𝐞𝐥𝐩𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐮𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐩𝐫𝐨𝐝𝐮𝐜𝐞 𝐱 𝟏𝟎𝟏 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐣𝐢𝐧𝐰𝐨𝐨

ok so lowkey this is based off of true beauty when jugyeong was doing makeup for the guys in pick pick boys

this is my first imagine bullet thingy whatever so please bare with me :’))

lets get it

you were the younger sister of one of the stylists for produce x 101

and since your sister was young, she’s been hella into makeup and growing up you kind of picked it up as well

so the both of you were like the makeup gurus of your family

so when one day the produce x 101 staff for hair and makeup is lacking a person

the producers and directors were asking if there was anyone who could help out last minute

bc they were already half way through shooting an episode and these boys were literally abt to perform

they needed as much help they could get, so ur sister

being the genius she is

was like “ holy shit i’ve got a sister who might as well be as talented as me “

ngl tho you probably were

anywaY

your sister had organized everything, she had told the producers, she had told you and everything was set

lemme just tell say, that you were lowkey p a n i c k i n g

you did keep up with produce x 101 but you weren’t exactly a die hard fan

you knew some fairly popular trainees and the only connection you really had to the show as that your sister was working there

so then your first day came

to be honest, all you really did was help out with minor things and passing stuff around for the first half but then

one of the other stylist ladies had asked you to take over for her

and you were n e r v o u s

mostly bc these guys were basically idols already as they had already gained popularity on the show

the guy ( more like boy ) that you were assigned to was none other than

haenam’s boy, the only boy, lee jinwoo

you knew exactly who he was

you weren’t living under a rock, your friends were constantly talking abt the trainees in pdx101 and jinwoo did come up in one of your conversations once

and you felt like you were hit by a bus

this boy’s visuals were no joke

despite him being rlly rlly cute on screen, he was pretty shy in real life

you guessed it added to his cuteness tho

the two of you were the same age and you didn’t know if that made it awkward or not ??

you were just confused to be real yall

your first encounter was … awkward

the two of you have introduced yourselves and you both were rlly nice

its just

the two of you were blushing like you were about to have a heat stroke

it didn’t help that you had to stare it his face while trying to makeup on him

and you were just dead

d e a d

y/n.exe has stopped working

and jinwoo was the exact same

he’s still relatively young, so love was kind of like

non-existent for him

the only type of affection that he received that wasn’t from his parents were from his fangirls

his noona fangirls

that being said, his main priority was always to debut

but that didn’t mean he was immune to crushes

yeah sure jinwoo has had some small crushes here and there

mostly girls who were older

but you were different

omfg the cheesiness send help

the only people jinwoo interacted with his age were the trainees that were his age as well

which wasn’t alot

and even then he was closer with other trainees

* cough * jinhyuk * cough *

that being said, the two of you were whipped the moment you saw each other

thankfully, the two of you were able to survive your first encounter without bursting

but that wasn’t your last day there

at that time, the trainees were going through the position evaluation

so jinwoo was performing to my youth

after your experience you started following pdx101 more thoroughly

mostly to see jinwoo

seeing him acting all cute n shit in the episodes

probably gave you minor cardiac arrest

anyway, the staff liked having extra hands around

they didn’t have to move around so frequently and things were just easier when you helped out

so the next time the boys needed to get prepared for something

you were there

this time, you and jinwoo actually had a proper conversation

you were also able to help and meet some other trainees

seungyoun was especially rlly friendly

he just had a big brother type of vibe u know ?

bc the universe was on our side, you were able to work with jinwoo again

this time you were feeling a little less like “ i’m not gonna talk and our faces are gonna be rlly close but im still not gonna talk and it’s gonna be rlly awkward “

bc no one wanted that

lowkey everyone could see you two had small crushes each other

like cmon

jinwoo was blushing during and after you had done his makeup last time

anyway you both got to know each other

he found out that you two were roughly the same age

he was lowkey vv shy and was nodding like 70% of the time

but he was rlly sweet

jinwoo didn’t exactly have a lot of friends his age, especially after joining produce

in school he always just had a few friends but eventually everyone wanted to be his friend

and he sorta knew why and he just wasn’t interested

he was glad there was someone that he could talk to aside from the other trainees

and it wasn’t like he was going anywhere else

so the two of you exchanged numbers

the boys aren’t really allowed to use their phones while being apart of produce

so it was kind of pointless

nonetheless, you were happy

at least you had moved past the awkward stage

you took every chance to go visit

eventually the two of you were joint to the hip

you had your own inside jokes and the two of you were rlly close friends

for a bit the two of you just kinda stuck with friends bc you didn’t know each other too well

but after awhile those initial feelings of attraction came back

you came over every time the boys had to perform, once you weren’t able to do his makeup but it didn’t matter bc the two of you were still talking even from all the way across the room

you did his hair and makeup for pretty girl

you were able to watch it live

and idk if it’s physically possible to bust out an uwu

but you did

he did so well, his dance ? phenomenal

facial expressions ? legend

your wig ? in china

anyway, a few weeks pass and you haven’t seen him and life is

dull

cue dramatic sad music

but then you get a call as your waiting for the next episode of produce to play

and your heart nearly stopped functioning bc jinwoo was calling you

and at first you didn’t realize that he had his phone even though he wasn’t supposed too

anyway this boi was crying

and you were like huh wait what boi whats wrong

and he tells you he had been eliminated and you were devastated

you didn’t expect him to get eliminated but more because he was really crying his eyes out

you had missed the episode because you had moved to your room instead of the living room to talk to him

eventually your comforting over the phone had worked ( miraculously ) and he had stopped crying

i mean he’s still a whole child, the both of you were

you didn’t really know what to do to get him to feel better

you two kept talking after he had stopped crying

you could occasionally here his sniffles over the phone and you tried not to squeal

bc aghem i am calm and i don’t have feelings for my friend

you two had agreed to hang out the next day

you two got ice cream and basically spent the day together

honestly him getting eliminated is what brought you two closer

you helped out with the debut evaluation bc even though jinwoo wasn’t on produce anymore

you had still made a lot of friends on the show

they all asked you how jinwoo was

especially jinhyuk and wooseok his parents

you told him he was getting better

after all he was still sixteen ( in korea )

he had a whole future ahead of him

eventually you both had realized you were head over heels for each other

not necessarily love, you two were still going through puberty and well life

but you knew you both wanted to be more than just friends

both of you hung out a lot

and multiple times you just wanted to squish his cheeks and hug him

one time it was freezing out but despite that you met up to hang out

the two of you were wrapped in big jackets and scarves

you were walking around a park and it started snowing

a snowflake landed on your nose

and as cliche as that sounds

maybe the universe was making an exception for two cute human beings who were just too pure and soft

he had laughed and wiped it off your nose with his gloved hand

you were really near each other

you both were just laughing softly and were just looking at each other

like wow ok i’m friends with the smolest person ever save my heart pls

you looked away after you realized you were staring at each other for quite some time

yes you were blushing

so was jinwoo but he tried to hide it

he laughed again and smiled at you

you were mentally telling him to stop being so smug and cute

you grabbed his arm and told him to hurry up so you both could eat some ramen

jinwoo was dragged by you to some local convenience store

the two of you shared some ramen and multiple girls had asked for a photo

ngl you were kind of jealous

some of them were nice

but some of them were looking you up and down

liKE EXCUSE ME MISS IM HIS FRIEND AND YOU’RE NOT GET OFF YOUR HIGH HORSE

but you’re way too nice for that and jinwoo was watching

mostly the second part

after that you both walked to your house, where his mom’s car was already parked

eventually your parents met because your mom kept wondering who you were leaving the house so much for

not that she was complaining

she kept up with produce too, she knew who this soft boi was

he said goodbye to you and your mom

before getting into the car

he had hugged you

and mumbled a bye with his chin on your shoulder

you hugged him back ofc

bc who were u to reject a hug from this cute ass boy

although the two of you weren’t exactly waiting for the other to make it official

you both kind of knew that you liked each other

with the help of the other trainees ofc bc you all had a group chat together

you two acted like a soft couple that only shared hugs in public

and held hands only when you two were alone

the farthest you’ve gone is cheek kisses

after a date you were about to leave when you turned around, ran back, and kissed his cheek before saying thank you for the fun day

and you basically ran away after, looking like a whole ass tomato

but he was blushing just as much

to summarize, you two are the cutest non-official couple in the whole of korea

not just the south

im talking about the whole goddamn korea

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eremiss · 5 years

Text

25. Trust

*Spoilers up to unlocking the Qitana Ravel dungeon (lvl 75 MSQ?)

*Set after ‘Wilt’

*I’m currently subscribed to ‘because Duskfeather is a regular/non-magical creature he couldn’t make the trip to the First’ headcanon, as that’s how I’ve been treating him for all of ShB so far.

Thancred isn’t remotely surprised to find Gwen at the jaculu pens, watching the creatures despite the fact that they’re asleep and doing precisely nothing worth watching. Her eyes had lit up with glee --glee-- when one had soared over their heads as they entered Fanow, and anyone who’s known her for more than a day, on the Source, anyway, knows she has a fondness for the creatures.

Her lifted mood had lasted all of a minute, if that. He can’t say he’s surprised. The last few days had been naught but one harrowing twist of fate after the next, starting from the moment the Eulmorans had joined forces with the Children of the Everlasting Dark and all but declared war on the Night’s Blessed.

They’d endured and fought on, as they always did. What else could they have done?

Everything wound up alright in the end, thank the Twelve, but it had taken a hell of a toll.

And they still weren’t done. Everything before now was just assorted obstacles and hurdles on the road to their real challenge: the light warden that’s lurking somewhere in The Qitana Ravel.

That’s a problem for tomorrow, not now, he tells himself, trying not to let himself fully consider or grasp the magnitude of such a task, lest the thought drain him any further. He wouldn’t know it looking at the sky, but the hour is late. Tomorrow. Think about it tomorrow. Not now.

But tomorrow is never so far away as it sounds, always looming just over his shoulder. Unless he’s waiting for something, of course, and then tomorrow is always impossibly out of reach.

Gwen is watching the sleeping jaculu with an unmistakably wistful look, an air of longing about her akin to homesickness. If Thancred didn’t know better he would think she was considering climbing into the pen and cuddling with the jaculu in place of a certain ornery griffin.

Duskfeather didn’t make the trip to the First, and she’s been without him for more than a moon now. She hasn’t mentioned overmuch, or drawn any attention to his absence, just as she so rarely gives voice to any of her problems, but Thancred knows her well enough, even after five years, to know that she misses Duskfeather deeply. How much she’s written about him has just been proof.

Regret worms its way into the back of his mind for the few jokes he’s made about Duskfeather’s absence and Gwen having to walk everywhere on her own two feet. She'd rolled her eyes laughed them off in the moment, but he finds himself suddenly questioning her sincerity. Perhaps such jests were in more poor taste than he’d realized.

Gwen hasn’t noticed him, still watching the sleeping creatuers. She knows better than to act on whatever she may be thinking--or Thancred hopes she does, at least. If the jaculu are as similar to griffins in temperament as they are in appearance, they won’t take kindly to a stranger trying to cuddle them.

Given the look on her face, she might just be willing to throw caution to the wind and try anyway.

Thancred shakes his head as he draws near, drawling, “If you want to steal one, you’re on your own.”

Gwen turns her face slightly towards him, eyes remaining on the sleeping birds. Her mouth curves in a weak smile, “I don’t look that desperate, do I?”

“You’re pining, dove.”

Her smile tilts, turning a little wry, “You wouldn’t help?”

“I can’t say the idea of getting maimed has ever appealed to me. I much prefer my extremities the way they are: attached and undamaged.” He holds out his hands and wiggles his fingers to prove it.

Gwen lets out a small laugh and then sighs, sagging against the fence. She looks… not quite miserable, maybe, but only barely.

Duskfeather is unreachable but Thancred isn’t, and he’s far less opposed to hugs than a jacular would be. Hopefully that’s good enough.

He leans against the gate just beside her and trails a hand across the small of her back. An offer.

Gwen smiles, mostly to herself, and shifts over to lean against him.

Rak’tika is quiet except for the bugs and the strange half-tweet, half-purring sounds of snoring jaculu, their heads are tucked under their wings to hide from the light. As the two of them stand there together Thancred becomes aware of a slight tension in the quasi-silence, the kind that suggests Gwen has something to say but hasn’t yet decided how to parse it.

He doesn’t try to rush her, despite the nagging awareness of the hour and bothersome acknowledgement that they both ought to get to sleep sooner rather than later. The last few days have been long, and tomorrow won’t be any shorter.

Thancred casts a wary glance over his shoulder, wondering if Emet-selch is going to drop in unannounced again.

The Ascian had the decency to make himself scarce earlier, on top of actually doing something useful rather than merely plaguing them an ulcer that’s been cursed with speech, but Thancred finds little comfort in his absence. Not being able to see Emet-Selch means very little given his irritating propensity for eavesdropping and intruding whenever the mood strikes him.

A visual sweep of the area doesn’t reveal any black coats or brown-and-white hair, but that doesn’t necessarily mean Emet-selch isn’t there.

“Thancred?” Gwen asks quietly.

Her tone immediately draws his attention. He looks back to find her picking and chipping away at her nails, and the sight draws concern to the forefront of his mind.

He settles his arm around her waist and rests his other hand over hers, putting and end to the nervous habit. “What is it?”

Her hands curl around his, loose for a moment before squeezing. “Do you,” she asks mutedly, mostly to his hands, “trust me?”

The question catches him off guard, but not so much that he doesn’t realize the speed of his reply is just as important, if not moreso, than the words he chooses. Doubt is adept at taking root in the silence that follows such heavy question. He answers at once, “Of course, Gwen. Completely.” He curls his hand as best he can around both of hers and gives a reassuring squeeze.

Gwen exhales and relaxes a little, pressing closer to him.

Glad though he is that his knee-jerk response was reassuring, he’s more concerned about where that question had come from all of a sudden. Why would she ask such a thing? His mind has already run off in a dozen different directions in search of possible explanations, and he quickly does his best to catch up with it.

He thought his trust in her was obvious, and the implication that it isn’t weighs oddly on him. Why...

The sense of distance between them that has been lurking at the edge of every hint of disapproval or ambivalence that has passed between them since her arrival chafes suddenly. He frowns and pushes it aside. All of that is just his old insecurity talking. They’re not so tightly knit as they were, but they’re still close.

It’s more likely she’s seeking a bit of assurance and affirmation in a moment of weakness. It wouldn’t be the first time.

A sliver of a larger thought juts out: could it be about her journal?

An uncomfortable sensation crawls across his thoughts.

That... what does that have to do with trust?

Well, stealing someone’s dearest personal possession in order to dig through their private thoughts sounds less like the actions of a close friend and more like those of someone harboring distrust or ill will. And the same goes for taking measures to cover their tracks and avoid suspicion to ensure they aren’t discovered.

He’d stolen her journal right before she left Mord Souq, then played the fool when she returned.

It’s an odd fit, maybe, but it’s the only connection that springs to mind.

But she doesn’t know he stole it. She thought she’d lost it, and scoured the Crystarium streets looking for it the moment she returned. She doesn’t suspect he...

A jolt of cold panic shoots up his spine and his heart seizes up.

...Does she?

His heart abruptly jumps from stillness to a breakneck pace that makes his chest ache, worry coursing through him like nausea. Thancred grits his and doggedly maintains his outward composure, grateful that Gwen's preoccupied gaze is directed at the sleeping jaculu rather than at him.

He measures his breaths, forcing them under control, and his heart rate gradually begins to fall in line.

Every time he recalls their fight, the yelling, the words they’d hurled at one another that hit too close to the truth, the way he’d lashed out and struck her desk, his heart does a sickened little flip and something inside him cracks.

He curses the way he’d lost control and the useless state he’d been left in afterwards, off balance and practically in shock at his own actions. He’d felt as though he’d been broken open somehow, and his thoughts forcibly scattered. It had nearly taken physical effort to pull himself back together again.

Thancred tells himself his addled mind is the only reason he’d been willing to act on the reckless impulse that had driven him to slip her journal into his pocket; to steal her most private thoughts despite the fragile state they’d been in, despite her presence, despite reason, despite his conscience.

There’s no way in all seven hells he would have taken such a brazen, idiotic risk if he’d been in is right mind. He scarcely even remembers doing it.

She’d stepped away, her back to him as she reached for her bag. One moment her journal was lying open on her desk, and the next it was in his pocket. As simple as that.

Even though they’d only just mellowed out from the thorny argument that had erupted out of nowhere spiraled out of control.

Even though, despite Gwen’s assurances, he had no idea what would become of them if they walked away right there and then. Even though she was on a timer, she was leaving, and the window for trying to talk, for trying to mend things or smooth them over, for doing anything at all to try and set things right again, was closing far too quickly.

Even though she’d been five sodding fulms away in plain sight.

If she’d seen him… He can’t even bring himself to conceive of the consequences.

And, beyond that, if she’d put the pieces together and realized just how long he’s been invading her privacy and delving into the thing she treated as an extension of her thoughts…

There’s reckless, there’s stupid, and then there’s plain self-destructive.

Thancred doesn’t let himself acknowledge the twisted, stricken little piece of him that had hoped she would notice. The guilt-ridden splinter that had all but prayed for her to turn and catch him in the act and then... he doesn’t even know what.

But Gwen hadn’t seen him.

She had been looking the other way, and had no idea he’d slipped her journal into his pocket. With the hand she’d just mended, no less, because sometimes shame is his bedmate and sometimes it’s a person in a faraway land that he’s never met.

Then Gwen had taken the aetheryte to Mord Souq, none the wiser, and left him standing dumbly in his room with his thoughts in pieces and his brief surge of self-righteousness and indignation sputtering to nothing, her journal weighing down his pocket like a stone.

The following two days had been... long. Reading her journal had only made them longer.

When Gwen finally returned she’d been nearly frantic, so preoccupied with finding her ‘lost’ journal she’d all but forgotten about their fight. He regretted both being the cause of such strife and allowing it to fester, but her desperate searching had eased his fears that she might be suspicious of him.

When they’d finally talked about their fight, calmly and rationally, and smoothed things over, he’d made sure they were out in public, in an open space where she wouldn’t feel cornered or trapped. He’d been careful to maintain a respectful distance and give her plenty of space while they searched for her journal and spoke. Which she found odd. But he just couldn’t shake the way she’d looked at him for that one brief moment...

Between their conversation and how relieved she had been to find her journal in her room, right where he’d put it, Thancred had thought that whole thing was behind them.

But now Gwen is asking, too coincidentally, about trust.

Cool nausea collects in his gut like bits of broken glass.

Has she known this whole time? Was all that hubbub about combing the streets just an act?

No, Gwen isn’t that good of an actress. She just isn’t. Her worry, the way she’d been combing the street, that had to have been ge--

“Does everyone else?” Gwen’s voice is soft, and the tinge of self-conciousness and something shaped far too much like doubt snatch his attention.

Thancred’s line of thought turns and redirects too suddenly, fumbling for a moment and then coming apart entirely. He opens his mouth to reply but his jaw merely hangs, almost slack, “I…”

Does everyone else...what?

Do you trust me?

Does everyone else?

This… None of this has anything to do with her journal, or their fight.

The pieces of glass, the creeping sickness and the twisting worry vanish so quickly it leaves him lightheaded, and the surge of relief that follows hits him so hard it nearly takes him off his feet.

It takes Thancred a moment to clear his head and get his mind working again. “Off the top of my head I can’t think of anyone who doesn’t trust you,” he says less than gracefully, “especially amongst our friends.”

Gwen regards him firmly, holding his gaze like she’s looking for even the faintest hint that he’s lying for her sake.

He isn't. But, thanks to his panic moments ago, the scrutiny still makes him uneasy. He does his best to be as outwardly honest and unassuming as his answer.

Her hard look fades after a moment, softening into something apologetic before she tucks herself more snugly against his side. I believe you. Sorry, I...just wanted to make sure.

Seeing how she probably won’t offer an explanation on her own, Thancred prompts, “So. What’s this all of a sudden?”

Gwen’s expression draws inward and she shifts her fingers against the back of his hand, creating and smoothing out wrinkles in his glove in place of tugging loose threads or twisting rings. “The other day, while we were in Slitherbough I,” she pauses, lips shifting slowly across words she doesn’t say before she finally finds the right one, “overheard something.” She pauses for a beat, “Do you remember what Y’shtola said? When she first saw me?”

Thancred thinks that’s a rather abrupt change of topic, but doesn’t say so. It will be regrettably hard to forget Y’shtola staring at Gwen and proclaiming, with perfect confidence, that she was a sin eater. “There is but one manner of creature in this world whose aether is suffused with such an abundance of light.”

He’s hardly surprised to learn the accusation is proving difficult to simply shrug off.

“I remember she was mistaken,” Thancred says, trying to reassure but at a loss as to where this line of questions is leading. “It’s been years since she last laid eyes on you,” he nudges her temple with his chin and pins on a smile, “t’would seem she forgot your natural brilliance.”

Gwen’s mouth twitches with the faintest smile that’s gone as quickly as it came, her eyes still on his hand while her own are still busy wrinkling and smoothing his glove.

He lets the smile drop. The back of his hand is getting a little sensitive with all of the touching, but he doesn’t mention it.

So. It seems Y’shtola really hit a nerve. But what does that have to do with trust?

“Talk to me, dove,” Thancred mumbles, lifting his hand from her waist to rub her upper arm. “I can’t read your mind. I can’t know what you don’t tell me.”

Not entirely true, but…

Gwen draws a few purposefully slow breaths, trying to calm herself. Instead, her shoulders only seem to tense further under his arm.

“When,” she starts slowly, “when the Eulmorans...” She stops again, brows knitting, and abandons her attempts in favor of more time considering her words.

He thinks while he waits, trying to figure out where these questions could have started and where they might lead.

Their days in Rak’tika have been so hectic and felt so long that Thancred can scarcely keep track of everything that has happened. He can’t recall anything, specifically, happening in Slitherbough? Except for the Eulmoran’s arrival... which eventually led to several long, grief-stricken bells of thinking Y’shtola had been lost to them.

Gwen surely spent every second of it blaming herself, convinced she’d stood by and done nothing as her friend perished. He knows that feeling well, and he doesn’t envy it.

Does that have anything to do with trust? No one blames her, though surely she’s blaming herself. She says she overheard something...perhaps a traitor among the Blessed, or some clue she hadn’t realized the importance of?

Or does it perhaps have something to do with what the others think of Y’shtola’s accusation? Is she worried they might question or distrust her after being branded a sin eater that’s ‘suffused with light’?

Possibly... But nothing hits Gwen harder than loss.

He takes a chance. “If it has anything to do with Ran’jit or Y’shtola’s second foray in the lifestream...”

Gwen shakes her head and squeezes his hand.

He swallows the assurances that are waiting on his tongue.

Five years ago he would have been able to piece together what was bothering her and where she was headed with all this.

Five years ago they didn’t yell at one another, nor was she so unsure of his faith in her that she resorted to bluntly asking about it.

Gods damnit...

“...Her accusation, then?” Thancred tries, slightly desperately.

Gwen tenses and then huffs, making a frustrated sound of agreement under her breath.

Something distantly related to satisfaction and accomplishment sparks in his chest. He waits for her to elaborate, secure in the knowledge she wasn’t quite so foreign to him as he’d feared.

“Before the Eulmorans came to Slitherbough, I,” she stumbles in the same place again, and her voice loses a bit of volume when she continues, “I overheard Y’shtola talking to Urianger.”

Thancred resumes rubbing her shoulder, trying to reassure. “What about?”

Her mouth crumples with a grimace. “I’m not sure how long they were talking, or how much I missed, but…”

She tells him what she heard.

By the end Thancred is wearing the stony scowl he’s developed over his five years on the First, dry bitterness curling on his tongue and in his throat. He stares at the ground in the pen, mulling over her recounting of the conversation.

He states flatly, “So Urianger’s keeping secrets again.”

Gwen has withdrawn a bit, folding her arms against her chest. “We’re killing another Light warden tomorrow,” she says, rather grimly, “and neither of them have said a word about the Light.”

Indeed they haven’t. But...

While Thancred understands Gwen’s concerns and sympathizes with her frustration for being left out of the loop, his shrewder, more pragmatic side is muttering: what good will telling you do?

After all, Gwen is the only one who can slay Light wardens safely. Or relatively safely, perhaps. She’s the only one who can bring darkness and night back to the First. She’s their only option. She knows this.

She, and the Scions, already knew the undertaking would be dangerous, though precisely how dangerous had always been rather nebulous, and forged ahead anyway.

Knowing the specifics --if anything Gwen overheard could be called ‘specific’-- changes nothing. It wouldn’t change the fact that she's the only one who can fight and slay Light wardens. It wouldn’t affect this ‘nascent corruption’ that she, apparently, was unaware of before Y’shtola beheld her aether. It wouldn’t change the fact that they have no way to rid her of the Light she’s already taken in, and no way to prevent her from absorbing more short of stopping their battle against the Light. And they all know that isn't an option.

If she hadn’t overheard them nothing would be different, would it? She would be in much the same position as she is now, only without the additional stress of how potentially dire her situation is, and without the troubling awareness that they had no solutions.

Is the burden of questions without answers, without recourse, honestly better than simple ignorance?

...But shouldn’t that be her choice to make? It’s her life, after all. Shouldn’t she be the one who gets to make decisions about it?

She’s the one with the Blessing, and the one absorbing the Light. She’s the one putting herself at risk. Shouldn’t she know the toll it’s taking on her, and the very real risks and potential consequences? Doesn’t she, at the very least, deserve to be aware of what’s happening to her?

He can see both sides, to say the least.

Gwen has the Blessing. She can contain the Light. That’s what the Exarch said... But the Exarch doesn’t have Y’shtola’s Sight, he can’t see what she does. Not to mention his fondness for secrets and schemes...

Thancred looks Gwen over, examining her skin, her hair, her hands, and doesn’t find anything out of the ordinary...for whatever that’s worth.

The complication of emotions moving across her face, all of them sharp and aching, gives him pause. Concern weighs on the corners of his mouth and starts pushing his brow together.

Logic doesn’t change the fact that one of her friends is aware of what’s happening to her and hasn’t uttered so much as a word of caution about it. It doesn’t change the fact that Urianger probably has no intention of telling her anything until the very last moment, just as he had in the Bowl of Embers.

Gwen presses her lips together like she’s struggling to keep her thoughts behind her teeth. She shifts away from him, thrusting her hands down by her sides, and a moment later she relents and exclaims, voice aching with exasperation, “Why didn’t he tell me? Why hasn’t he said anything?”

Thancred blinks dumbly, the sudden outburst and surge of emotion leaving him stunned.

“Why can’t he just tell me the truth?” Her tone turns sharper, angrier, “The truth wouldn’t stop me. It can’t. I know I have keep going no matter what, I just…!”

‘Keep going no matter what’ clings like tar, stirring unpleasant memories of a time in Ishgard the whole of Eorzea had made her feel more like a tool and a weapon, a means to an end, than a person.

Thancred lifts a placating hand. “Gwen--”

“I’m the only one who can kill Light wardens, I’m the only one who can do anything about the Light,” Gwen flings a hand upwards to indicate the sky, “I know I can’t just stop. And I know that if-- I know it-- I know telling me about the corruption would just give me one more thing to worry about but-- This is-- It’s happening to me! Don’t I deserve to know? I’m the one that’s-- I’m the one absorbing the Light, I’m the one who-- the one that might--”

Her breath hitches and she stiffens. “Should I know that I’m in danger? Shouldn’t I, of all people, know what the Light could-- what it is doing to me? Urianger and the Exarch haven’t said anything. Even Y’shtola. She only let it slip because she didn’t recognize me.”

Her expression twists, threatening to crumple, “She didn’t recognize me. She looked straight at me and called me a sin eater.”

Thancred watches her catch her breath in silence, protective agitation making a prickly trail through his thoughts. Urianger’s motives may be well-intentioned, even noble, but… Gwen has a point.

Her shoulders start to slump as her breaths slow, and his expression tightens with a sympathetic grimace. He’s never been able to say the right thing when it mattered, and now seems to be no exception. Gods, he hates nothing more than feeling useless.

Gwen shakes her head slowly, and her tone is so resigned and heavy it makes his chest hurt. “I mean, alright, maybe I… Maybe it was naive of me to think I could just,” she gestures listlessly, “absorb the Light without consequences. To assume I’d be fine and not think any more about it, but I… I thought if something started to go wrong, or if one of my friends noticed something or-- or thought something might be happening to me, I-- I thought,” her expression strains and then crumbles in defeat, “I thought someone would say something, not just… stand by and leave me in the dark.”

Thancred’s throat tightens, sharp with anger and thick with sympathy, and his heart clenches alongside his fists. He’s still groping for words and finding none, but given the tumult of protective anger building in his head, that’s probably for the best.

Glistening dark green eyes look at him pleadingly, vulnerable and full of hurt and doubt that cuts like a knife. “Is it really so hard to be honest with me? To tell me the truth? Am I really so hard to trust?”

His anger shatters like glass and Thancred pulls her into a tight embrace, both to keep him from storming to the bunk he’s sharing with the atsrologian --for all of their sakes-- and needing the pressure of it to keep his heart from cracking. “It’s not you dove,” he says as firmly and calmly as he’s able. “You’ve done nothing wrong. He just…” Thancred grimaces as her arms slide around him, recognizing the insubstantiality of it before he says it, “He’s trying to do the right thing.”

She tenses and inhales like she intends to speak.

Thancred has suffered more keenly than most from Urianger’s secrecy and efforts to do what he thought was right, pragmatic and otherwise, for his friends and Eorzea. He empathizes with Gwen’s frustration and feels a little pang of pity for their loquacious friend. Urianger is good at keeping secrets, but that doesn’t mean it’s easy for him. “I’m not saying he’s right to keep his secrets, Twelve knows I, of all people, have suffered the bad end of them, but his secrecy has naught to do with you, nor anything you have or haven’t done. He trusts you, Gwen. We all do.”

Gwen is still for a long moment, perhaps weighing his words. She exhales, slowly, and relaxes against him.

Thancred eases his hold a little, getting on top of the tide in his head and breathing a little more steadily, “I’m sure Urianger has his reasons. Keeping secrets is a suffering all its own, and he isn’t wont to do such unless he thinks it utterly necessary.” He lets out a thin, frustrated groan, “I’m sure intentions are good, that he only wishes to help, but that doesn’t mean his methods aren’t flawed. He keeps his secrets so as not to burden us, or you, with them. He wishes to spare us what he can, as do we all. If any of us could lessen the burden that you, especially, have been made to carry, you know we would.”

He bites off ‘don’t you?’, because his doubts aren’t her problem.

Gwen’s arms tighten around him, and she takes a long breath. “I know.” He didn’t ask, but she assures him anyway. She shifts her arms, and he feels her curl her fingers in his coat. "What about...” She sighs, “What do you make of what Y’shtola said?”

Apparently she doesn’t have the energy to go on another rant, which is actually something of a relief. It wasn’t like her to lose her composure so suddenly, or explosively.

Thancred can speak about as much for Y’shtola as he could Urianger, though there’s that biting remark she’d made in front of Minfilia that threatens to color his words. He closes his eyes, exhales, and pushes it aside in favor of a more even answer. “I think she has her own concerns and she will make them known to you soon enough, as the two of you are alike in your disdain for secrecy. But, if you’re referring to her comment about your aether…” Thancred shifts his weight, temporizing. He knew this question was coming and he still hasn’t quite worked out a good answer. “I think she isn’t wrong to be concerned. And I think she was right to seek a second opinion and confirm her suspicions rather than coming straight to you with theories and conjecture. But I know for certain that, should something become of this light you’re carrying, she will not hesitate to intervene. Neither will I, nor Alphinaud, Alisaie, Minfilia or Urianger. You’re not alone, dove.”

Gwen noticeably relaxes, her hands easing against his back. That was what she’d wanted to hear. He likes to think the little pet name helped.

Thancred remembers all the times she’s written, and the few instances she’s said, that she feels as though no one remembers that she’s just a person beneath her title. One person who needs to lean on others every now and then, because the world is a terrible weight to carry.

He lifts a hand to her face and tilts her head up, finding her significantly calmer and steadier between his words and their embrace, though tentative unease still lingers behind her eyes. “You’re strong, Gwen, but I know you have your limits. If ever you falter, know that I’m here to steady you. I will not stand idly by while you suffer the light alone. I’m with you, dove.”

I will not stand idly by and let you become a sin eater. Thancred doesn’t say that part even though it’s true, as it’s far too harsh, too fatalistic, too prudent, and it would dampen her mood more than lift it.

He’s told himself. That’s enough.

Gwen’s expression brightens, softens and warms with something too tender and meaningful to be mere fondness, something he’s gone without since he arrived on the First. One corner of her mouth lifts in a smile and he mimics her, keeping the little burst of soft, almost-heady feelings to himself.

He leans down and she lifts to meet him, whispering against his lips, “Thank you.”

-----------------------

GUH DOWN TO THE WIRE, I LITERALLY SUBMITTED IT AT 3 I DIDN’T EVEN HAVE A CHANCE TO WRITE A NOTE AT FIRST BECAUSE I WAS FREAKING OUT BECAUSE I WAS ALMOST LATE ALDJSKFLADK-- *passes out*

came in with to neaten up this note section and stuff the next day now that I’m not losing my shit...

Thanks @rhymingteelookatme for the suggestions!!

I like some parts of this more than others, but overall it’s pretty good!! I spent way, waaay too much time rewriting one particular part over and over and cutting it down again and again, but I like the version that ended up in here. The ending is ruuuushed XD but on rereading it’s not quite so bad as I thought

Jaculus are what they call griffins on the First. They look the exact same. Just FYI

12 notes · View notes

silaslibraryclub · 5 years

Text

Discord Diamonds ep4

@ukulelekatie this is for you: The idea here was ‘Buzzfeed quiz results are so random. Maybe a dateability quiz is actually how compatible you are with the author.’ - @jg-firefly

“No one will know.”

Betty quirked an eyebrow, glancing over the top of her nail file at Laura. She had arrived much like she always did—unexpectedly, with bubblegum already smacking. Sometimes, Laura wondered when she had time to do her actual job, but, more often than not, she accepted that Betty was just going to be... Betty.

“I’ll know,” she scoffed, her fingers pausing their path across her keyboard. It was far from hard-hitting journalism, but she had an article on potted plants that looked like celebrities that she needed to turn in by that evening, and a How Dateable Are You quiz, of all things, was low on her radar.

Besides, that was generally Betty’s area.

“The quizzes are nonsense, anyway. How does picking a color determine which Doctor Who character I am?”

“Right, coming from Miss ‘Pottermore-says-I’m-a-Gryffindor.’”

Laura knew it was childish, but she was sorely tempted to stick out her tongue. She settled for rolling her eyes.

“Doesn’t mean I’m going to do it.”

“You just said it yourself: it’s nonsense. So what’s the big deal?”

“It’s got to be some sort of... I don’t know, ethics violation.”

“Right. Because it’s against the Geneva Convention to skew an internet quiz.”

“What would be the point, though?” Laura gave up on her article entirely, waving her hands and letting them fall into her lap. She kicked out her desk chair and turned it to face Betty more solidly. Her neck had enough of a crick already, from where she’d been sleeping on Perry’s couch.

Damn termites. Damn shitty landlords.

“Fun, Laura. The point would be fun. Now c’mon, just answer a few questions!”

She glared, but it was without any real fight. Betty gave a little hiss of triumph, scooping up her notepad and running the eraser-end of her pencil down a list she had been careful to keep hidden.

“Alright. First date. What’s the worst possible thing they could order?”

///

“Hey, 52% is respectable, Perr,” Mel said. She tossed back another swig of Corona. “Better than LaF.”

“Broke my heart,” LaFontaine agreed, their voice dropping into somber, dramatized tones. They pressed a hand to their chest. “Only 11% compatibility... I’m not sure I can go on.”

“It’s because you answer every question with the worst response on purpose.”

“I still say diffusing a bomb would make for a memorable anniversary.”

“Hence the 11%.”

LaFontaine put on a pout, but it vanished immediately in the face of the cookies Perry set before them. Laura put three on her plate, watching the rest vanish in a flurry of grabby hands.

Only Perry would serve baked goods with drinks.

She really hadn’t expected the quiz to turn into anything more than a few laughs with Betty. But then Betty had reported results from across the office, each announcement rife with personal commentary, and Laura hadn’t been able to contain her amusement when LaFontaine had declared their offense at ‘not being dateable.’

So she had clued them in. And with them had come everyone they knew.

Which was how Laura knew that she should absolutely not date any of her friends.

“I can’t believe any of you would order seafood on a first date,” she complained. “It’s like you don’t want to have a goodnight kiss.”

“Oysters are hot,” shrugged Mel.

Laura made a face. “Not visually, they’re not.”

“Well, Charlotte thinks so. And, not that it matters, but we got the exact same score.” She raised her bottle to no one, smirking, and took another hearty swig.

The back door swung open without warning, the sound of suburb crickets wafting in as Carmilla clomped her boots over the threshold. She set a six-pack on the counter, offering only a nod in greeting.

“About time,” said LaF.

“Shoes,” declared Perry.

Laura busied herself with collecting the empty bottles and moving them into the recycling, pretending it was for Perry’s benefit and had nothing to do with the jump in her heart rate or the sudden heat behind her ears.

Carmilla was always in leather, but tonight she also had her helmet slung casually under one arm, her hair parting so easily as she swept a hand through the raven tresses. It would be impossibly easy for Laura to lose herself in the sharp cut of her eyeliner, let alone in the perfect curve of her jaw.

It was still bizarre to her that they were even in the same circles. Carmilla had been the nameless ‘hot bartender’ at Redd’s long before she had become ‘Mel’s friend Carmilla,’ and Laura was almost certain that Carmilla still had no idea they had met before, despite making her whiskey sours every weekend for the better part of three years.

Now, she was just... around.

All the time.

Quirking an eyebrow at Laura’s jokes, calling her all sorts of snarky, cutesy nicknames seemingly just to watch her babble and sputter in reply.

And it would have been a dream come true, were it not for the fact that Carmilla was certainly not interested in dating her. She didn’t appear to be interested in dating anyone, when it came down to it. She collected numbers with a graceful ease, barely even trying when they went out for drinks—the girls always just came to her, sliding numbers to her on napkins, letting their fingers brush on her thigh—but she never went out for coffee or bothered with dinner, as far as Laura could tell.

To her infinite relief, Carmilla did not ask what she had missed, and no one prompted her into answering quiz questions the moment she claimed a seat.

Instead, they dove into discussion about the fight at Redd’s the night prior, and how Carmilla had been forced into calling the cops to break it up. And, when the details there had been exhausted, it was on to a mishap with LaF’s intern at the lab, and before Laura knew it they had segued into a segue and she was telling the room—at LaF’s eager prompting—about the time she had worked fast food in college, when a particularly rowdy customer had bit her.

“He didn’t leave in a body bag?” Carmilla asked, her lip curled just slightly at the corner. The others were turned to LaFontaine, already giving their witness’s rendition of the events, but Carmilla’s eyes were locked on hers, glinting and warm. She had peeled half the label off of her beer with practiced fingers, and the way her elbows were splayed put her right nearly touching Laura’s left. “I imagine you don’t take well to biting.”

Laura’s cheeks were dusted pink before the words were even out, but it was easy, when she was on the dregs of her third glass of sav blanc.

“Not that kind of biting, no.”

Carmilla’s eyes widened. And then so did her grin.

But Perry was insisting that they start the movie, now that everyone was present, and so they allowed themselves to be herded into the sitting room and handed homemade popcorn in Perry’s cutesy little tins... and Laura tried not to sulk—at least not externally—when Carmilla wound up on one of the floor poufs while she was stuck on the couch between LaF and Mel.

It had been months, since they’d been properly introduced. She knew she should be over this, whatever this was... a crush, certainly, and nothing more... but the feeling persisted, despite her efforts. A nagging to just spend more time in her presence, if only to get more chances to see her laugh.

She was pathetic, really. And that was a fact hammered home by the amount of time she spent side-eyeing Carmilla rather than paying attention to what was on the screen.

It was just that she had seen Mamma Mia! before, and it was far more entertaining to watch Carmilla’s face contort into various grimaces, her annoyances kept at bay solely by the plates of food Perry nudged her way, every five minutes or so.

(Laura suspected this was the main reason she had attended, in the first place.)

Mel was already shouldering her coat, when the credits finally rolled. She offered a salute and a click of her tongue rather than a proper farewell before she ducked out the door, and Perry started tidying at once, collecting the blankets that Laura had been using to turn the couch into a bed for the past several evenings.

Carmilla hesitated, weighing her helmet in her hands, and then raised an eyebrow at Laura, almost expectantly, and tipped her head towards the exit.

“Need a ride, cupcake?”

Her ears were hot again, immediately, even before she was shaking her head. They lived on the same block, and they had gotten an Uber together, once—a ride of mostly silence as Laura attempted not to blurt out something along the lines of ‘you’re super pretty’—so it was hardly a reach for her to offer, now.

But termites.

Fucking termites.

“Uh, actually, no. I’m sort of... staying here.”

Carmilla frowned. LaF and Perry vanished to the kitchen, almost on purpose.

“Why?”

“Pest control. My apartment is sort of under a big blue tent at the moment.”

“Well that sucks.”

Laura laughed at the bluntness. “Yeah... like, a lot.”

Slowly, Carmilla surveyed the living room. Laura saw her eyes latch, for the first time, upon the various things that did not belong in the space—her suitcase, for one. Her brow furrowed even further as she noticed Perry’s started attempts at making her bed.

“Here like... on the couch?”

She grimaced. “Yeah. I mean, it’s not ideal, but you know Perry is renovating the guest room, and then LaF’s office doesn’t have space, and I’m just grateful for all the free food. And for not having to pay for a hotel.”

“You work on the other side of town.”

It was a statement, not a question, and a surprising one, at that. “I didn’t realize you... knew that.”

Carmilla’s lip quirked, but there was less of an air to it... there was something disappointed. Or maybe that was just in the way her eyes dropped, and her shoulders lifted.

“I pay attention,” she said, her tone unreadable. And then she cleared her throat, and played her fingers over the curve of her helmet like a drum solo. “I... happen to have a spare room.”

Laura stared, not comprehending.

Carmilla raised an eyebrow.

“Oh! Oh.” She blinked, her mouth abruptly going very dry. “That’s... are you offering..?”

“If you’re interested. I don’t promise to wake you up with a Michelin Star breakfast, of course. But you also wouldn’t need to catch three buses to get to the office.”

She opened her mouth, ready to say how sweet that was, but how she couldn’t reject Perry’s kindness—how it would only be another day or two, anyway—but she didn’t get the chance.

“Carmilla, that’s lovely of you!” Perry beamed, clasping her hands in the kitchen doorway. “I’ve felt so terrible that we could only offer a couch, and I hate inconveniencing Laura like this...”

“Perry, you’re doing me the favor—”

“And I’ve been a terrible host. You’re such a dear, Carmilla.”

///

Laura still wasn’t entirely sure what had happened. One moment she had been ready to crash on Perry’s couch after a traditional movie night, and the next she was being herded out the door with only a backpack of her things and a promise that the rest would be delivered the next day.

And then she had been on the back of Carmilla’s motorcycle, her arms around Carmilla’s waist, and she had been certain that, yes, this must be a dream.

But it was not. Because they arrived at Carmilla’s place, and it was very real.

“It’s not as clean as Perry’s, I know.” Carmilla grinned sardonically, as she tossed her coat onto the back of a chair and turned to rest her elbows on the kitchen counter. “But it’s home.”

It was nicer than Laura’s place, certainly, and it raised a multitude of questions—most of them along the lines of ‘how much do bartenders make, exactly?’—but she asked none of them. Instead, she let herself roam in a small semi-circle through the main space, taking in the artwork on the walls, the stuffed bookcases, the artifacts and trinkets that looked to have come from all over the world.

She was right about it not being exactly clean, though.

Carmilla seemed to have trouble with putting things back where they came from. There were books littered on various surfaces, some with bits of paper stuffed in to the pages, others left spine-up where she had apparently last been reading them. There was a clear layer of dust on most of the horizontal surfaces. Her sole potted plant looked extremely dead.

Still, overall, it felt very... Carmilla.

“I like it,” she offered.

“Glad to have your approval,” Carmilla teased. “Did you want the grand tour? It costs extra.”

“Ha-ha.”

She showed her to the guest bedroom and the adjoining bathroom, and, despite her commentary earlier, she appeared to have a fully stocked kitchen with the makings of a Perry-style breakfast, after all.

“Are you a secret chef?” Laura questioned, eyebrow raised, when she had finished returning the water pitcher to its shelf, her glass in hand.

Carmilla had said to help herself, and she was usually good at that.

“What were you expecting? A takeout fortress?”

It was what she had at home, and she felt herself flush.

“I don’t know. Maybe.”

“Nice to see you hold me in such high regard,” Carmilla said, but there was teasing in the words, her eyes sparkling that way that they did sometimes, and Laura’s grin in return was easy.

“Never said I didn’t. I just... didn’t exactly picture... all of this.” She gestured to the apartment, and then hurried to soften her words, panic jumping up her spine, “I mean, not that that’s a bad thing. I mean, when I say my place is under pest-control, that should... that should give you a pretty solid indication that I’m not... that—”

“Don’t hurt yourself, cutie.”

“I just mean that it’s surprising... in a good way.”

Carmilla’s smile was still in place, head tipped just slightly to the side, the way it only seemed to do when it was Laura she was talking to. She tried not to read into it.

“Surprising that I’m a slob? Or that I eat vegetables?”

Laura snorted. “The second one.”

“I’ll have you know,” Carmilla declared, reaching around her to get a glass of her own from the cupboard—and very much invading her personal space in the process—“That I am a perfect 50% omivore. Thank you very much.”

Laura swallowed, watching her every move as she reached into the fridge, fingers wrapping around the pitcher handle, back arching and her ass—

Nope, nope, don’t look! Bad Hollis...

“That’s... specific,” she forced out.

Carmilla bent again, to return the pitcher, and Laura suddenly found the dead plant on the counter of deep interest.

“Well, it was according to one of your little quizzes, so it’s clearly certifiable.”

“One of mine?”

“Buzzfeed.”

Laura’s eyes went wide, her mouth working but no sound coming out, and she clutched the cold of the glass a little tighter and took a forced sip.

“Right, yes. I work there.”

Carmilla chuckled. “Again, your opinion of me is dreadful, cutie. Amazed I don’t live in a cave, fascinated at the concept of me owning food... and surprised that I pay attention to where my friends work.”

Laura wanted to supply a retort, but she was fresh out of them. Carmilla wasn’t wrong.

But, then, it wasn’t like they had spent that much time together.

And she hardly thought Carmilla had noticed her, of all people. Even if they were friends with the same gingers.

“I’m teasing you,” Carmilla supplied, when Laura’s case of goldfish-face became much too apparent.

It did not help her blush. “Yes, right. I know.”

Carmilla flicked a switch to dim the lights, padding in the direction of her own bedroom with apparent intentions to get some sleep. But, before she stepped through the door, she turned back.

“Oh, and I’ll have you know I took another one of those little quizzes the other day, and you really shouldn’t be so surprised that I’m a functioning adult. Your company seems to think I’m 100% dateable.”

She pulled the door shut softly behind her, a cocky grin on her lips.

And no idea what she had just admitted to.

#carmilla #slc #hollstein #discord diamonds #jg firefly

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skywalkersapprentice · 5 years

Text

so when I saw infinity war the second time, i brought a pen and a notebook with me and took notes in the dark the whole time. for my second endgame viewing yesterday, i did the same. i now present to you my Thoughts About Endgame. (this is. long.)

Major Spoilers Ahead.

okay seriously, nobody called clint up when there was a giant invasion in wakanda??? nobody???

also it was daytime in wakanda when the snap happened. it’s also daytime wherever clint is in america when the snap happens. someone explain.

god the dawning panic when clint realizes his family is gone. that whole scene is so empty and unsettling, it was shot really well

i automatically associate 80s music with space thanks to marvel.

tony stark adopting strays everywhere he goes since 2013.... i love this about him

nebula finally got to win something!!!! “it was fun.”

and then she gives him their final ration. i’m- :((((

back on earth..... thank god the beard is gone.

“I lost the kid” tony’s face wow that’s devastating, no thanks

“Is um...” what was tony going to say after that??

“I thought you were a build-a-bear.” “Maybe I am.” fuckign.... tony please sdfgdfg

“And I needed you.” tony :(((

“No trust. Liar.” this entire scene is just. chilling. heartbreaking. tony has nothing left for anyone, and especially nothing left for steve, except-

him ripping the metaphorical heart out of his chest and handing it to steve made me literally gasp the first time i watched this film. i feel like it hasn’t been talked about enough, but it’s incredibly poetic.

“where are you going?” “to kill thanos” i haven’t seen captain marvel but i’m already in love with carol danvers

and now they have hope, they still think they can bring everyone back... what a dangerous thing

suddenly steve is looking at his locket of peggy all the time.starting in this film only. can we let him grieve for his actual friends?? you know, the ones he just lost? does he even mention sam or bucky in the entire film? alright russos, i have several bones to pick with you about this, but alright....

i gotta say, when i first watched this i was astounded that thanos destroyed the stones and then got beheaded in the first twenty minutes. it really left me wondering, well- what now? and that was exciting.

five years later. i mean, we knew there would be a time jump, but i wasn’t expecting this.

we’re really calling this cameo by russo representation huh

lol

and like??? steve brings up nobody he lost in the snap, instead chosing to focus on “the love of his life” that he met and lost in 1945. this struck me as odd the first time i watched and now i’m like. man they’re really trying 2 justify their later decision, huh

so they’re calling those who were snapped “The Vanished” according to the sanfran memorial

avengers r still a thing and their complex has actually grown in size?? who is funding this. is it tony

my next note just says HAIR SDFDSDFG aka heLLO carol danvers

nat :((((

crying and eating a sandwich is a mood

god. the quiet grief

natasha romanoff has come such a long way from her introduction in iron man 2. she cries freely, loves her family, actively wants to be a better person, even if a lot of her family isn’t around today. i just- love her so much.

“we both need to get a life.” “you first.” goddamnit

i.... love happy, peaceful, good dad Tony Stark, so much.

“define lunch or be disintegrated” morgan h stark is so cute

“you like going in the garage, huh? so does daddy.” tony was already so proud of her god i just :((((

me, zooming in on nat: ARROW NECKLACE

does she only wear that when she’s missing clint, or

I’m truly in my feelings about Tony being The Best Dad

Bruce apparently spent 18 months in a gamma lab, which is interesting.

god the scene with the kids asking for a selfie was so cringe are you telling me they could include this but steve couldn’t mourn for his friends

tony does dishes now. a true housedad.

that’s!!!! his first son!!!!!! :((((((

can you believe it was peter parker who pushed tony to invent time travel

“i’ve got something on my mind.” “is it juice pops?” i’m just thinking now about how howard most definitely would have sent tony straight to bed, but tony lets morgan stay up and eat juice pops with him. this is just. straight up great content.

“I love you 3000″ can you just. his face when she says that. also i’m never getting over that phrase ever

“I can stop,” Tony says, on the brink of inventing time travel.

“But would you be able to rest?” says Pepper, who has been trying and failing to get him to stop for a good 15 years.

the parallels between this and her last words to tony. ouch.

this is such a good and steady relationship now :(.

sdfgfdfg why is steve dressing like he’s from the 40s again is this a visual sign of his regression

god they did thor so dirty in this film. not with his character- him falling into great depression and having ptsd is not a bad thing, but treating it like a joke is. the audience is invited to laugh at him. Bad.

thor threatening “noobmaster69″ over the headset for his rock friend is very funny though.

hey tokyo looks alright compared to a lot of america.

every single clintasha scene in this film kills the man.

also everyone knows thanos’s name. i assume that means the world knows why everyone disappeared.

“you’re only a genius on earth” yeah but who invented time travel, rocket

rhodey wanting to straight up murder baby thanos is hilarious

the explanations of time travel in this film give me a headache

“TIME HEIST BRAINSTORMING SESSION”

bruce, nat and tony all laying around throwing ideas back and forth.... this movie is valid sometimes

“see you in a minute,” natasha says, and she’s smiling.

this is her family you guys :(((((

NEW YORK 2012

MY FAVOURITE SCENE

omg bruce making such a halfhearted attempt at smashing things please i love

okay cut to 2013 Asgard, and Thor sneaks right by his currently dead brother without even looking at him. this movie confuses me

fuck the scene where rocket slaps thor for having a panic attack. i’m glad thor ended up abandoning him.

okay so everything important happens between 2012-2014

cap/tony/scott, clintasha, nebula/rhodey.... these are such ideal teamups

“we’re a long way from budapest” give me my clintasha movie, marvel!!!

okay back in 2012, HOW did JARVIS not register the fact that there were two steves and two tonys in Stark Tower

god this entire scene is fucking hilarious the entire mcu was worth everything for the 2012 time travel scene

fuckign.... loki

ELEVATOR SCENE

as a cap 2 stan i feel so validated

HA IL HYDRA

WHEN I SAY I GASPED IN DELIGHT

CAP VS CAP

“I CAN DO THIS ALL DAY”

“YEAH, I KNOW, I KNOW”

sadfgfdfg are u really telling me that cap takes the peggy locket everywhere

BUCKY IS ALIVE

THAT IS AMERICAS ASS SDFGFSDF PLEASE

2012 avengers best avengers

meanwhile the sorcerer lady is giving bruce a time travel lesson and i didn’t understand any of it but basically each reality requires six stones in order to not be torn apart by the forces of darkness? ??

I’m just glad thor got some kind of closure by talking to his mom

side note you can definitely tell that frigga raised loki

“EAT A SALAD”

“i’m still worthy” asdfgfdf yeah but now this timeline thor has no hammer!!!

QUILL SDFGFDSDFGHFDS

this movie is so entertaining

i live for nebula and rhodey just judging everyone

so do the guardians just.... not happen in the 2014 timeline?

gamora is ready to Fight thanos when the maw threatens nebula

was that young alexander pierce headed underground in 1970?

bone 2 pick with this whole time travel thing

thor got closure by talking to his mom

tony got closure by talking to his dad

steve saw peggy working, successful and thriving, through a window. closure where????

he should have gotten a chance to talk to her and received closure that way.

hank pym is an asshole but i guess we already knew that

“my wife is expecting” so tony was born 1970/1971 ig

howard’s dad beat him with a belt. i suppose every stark does a little better parenting-wise

Jarvis!!!!!!! agent carter is canon!!!!

vormir oh god here we go

“under different circumstances, this would be totally awesome” i’m inclined to agree with clint

this part goddamit

handholding :((((

my next note just says “aveng ers 1 paralels fu k”

the way this was filmed was beautiful. the colours, the lighting, the acting, the dialogue, the parallels to the first clintasha fight in avengers 1..... if natasha had to die, this was.... a good death, i think.

“damn you!”

“it’s okay.”

clint is begging her this hurts so much :(((

god. tears.

clint just sobbing in the water with the soul stone in his hand hits some kind of way

where is natasha’s funeral, huh??? why does steve shed like one (1) tear?

also why does the gauntlet need to physically be snapped like what does that dO

i just realized that thor’s fake eye is amber.

Infinity Stones:

almost killed thanos after 2 uses

destroyed bruce’s arm

killed tony

imagine an alternate scene where all six original avengers survived until this point and all of them held one stone as they snapped thanos’s army out of existence. that would have been the ultimate fanservice and i would have astral projected. anyway we’re getting off topic

“don’t change anything from the last five years.” what tony means is “please don’t erase my daughter”.

SNAP

yay they did it except-

how did everyone survive thanos blowing up the avengers compound

2014 gamora sounds just- slightly different than 2018 gamora. a little harsher. the guardians haven’t yet softened her edges.

“we become sisters” and suddenly gamora has hope

i- did that lightning just braid thor’s hair sdfgdsdfgh

this is a harsher thanos. thanos who died in 2018 had been changed. weakened, maybe.

thor, cap and tony fought in avengers one. now, they’re fighting thanos together.

l just. love that clint has a sword now.

“he won’t let me” nebula.... :(((((( and she dies crying

i have a note here that says “thor’s lightning + tony = c o o l”

STEVE WITH MJOLNIR

ASDFGFSDF FUCK THIS WAS WORTH EVERYTHING MARVEL HAS EVER PUT ME THROUGH

LIGHTNING POWERS

i LIVE

oooh it’s personal for thanos now

YOUR

LEFT

the portals scene fUCK

this is just. worth it. on every level.

PETER AND TONY

“this is nice” please :((((((

poor peter quill gets snapped, gamora’s loss fresh in his mind, then he thinks he’s gotten her back and she’s not the gamora he knew. ouch.

tell me why everyone but steve gets a reunion scene lol

peter introducing himself to everyone!!!! he’s so sweet.

CAPTAIN MARVEL HAS ARRIVED

i’m gay. oh my god.

hhhhgn hair

GIRLS

this is fanservice!!! as in, i am a fan and i feel fuckign SERVICED

thor duel welding mjolnir and stormbreaker is AWESOME.

strange holds up one finger. tony gives a look of heartbreaking acceptance.

god. tony stark, you brave, brave man. he knew he wasn’t going to survive this one.

“I am inevitable.”

“I. am. Iron Man.”

SNAP (2)

you lose, thanos.

but also, i lose, because oh god tony.

peter :(((

“Mr Stark!”

“Sir!!”

“Tony!!”

oh. fuck.

“you can rest now” do you SEE the parallels to the earlier conversation between tony and pepper :(((

the arc reactor going out physically broke me

i didn’t take many notes after this because i was literally sobbing lol

“I love you 3000″ stabs me again

“proof that tony stark has a heart” yes well my heart is breaking

happy :((( is morgan’s jarvis :(((((

Queen!!!! Valkyrie!!!

this dick measuring contest between Quill and Thor got old five hours of content ago.

:))))) rage time :))))))

bruce tried to bring back nat with the snap :(((

oh god bucky.

his face!!!!! his voice!!!! he’s trying to be strong and find but he looks dead inside

i just- fuck. he knew and he let steve go.

why did he show up on that bench i don’t understand

“I’m happy for you” are you telling me sam wasn’t the least bit hurt or mad

the ONLY good thing about this is Captain Sam

fuck steve tho

what year is this dance in

i mean. it’s sweet. but this is not steve.

I think i’ve talked enough about my dislike of the direction steve’s character went in in this film. that was the major point of dislike for me, but given that the council has made a stupid ass decision i’ve elected to ignore it. i understand that both tony and steve had to make their exist from the franchise here, but.... there were better ways to go about that.

i think a few different relationships slipped through the cracks here- characters suddenly grieving people they haven’t seen in /years/ and completely ignoring others who only recently died was a big one for me. but other characters saw a lot of development- nebula was a favourite of mine in this film, which i was not expecting! she and rhodey made a really good team- i feel like they understand one another.

the Original Six all saw a decent amount of screen time, which i appreciated. nobody got left behind there. there were so many references to other films that i know i didn’t catch them all, but it really made this movie seem like a love letter to the fans.

i want to make it clear that i actually loved most of this film. i think it was a good send off for the avengers and i love a good time travel plot (like, it’s one of my all-time favourite tropes. i was vibrating with excitement in the theater during the 2012 scenes.) i went in expecting a lot of the emotion to be sidelined in favor of plot and action, and while that happened a little bit, i was overall pleasantly surprised with the amount of emotion that they fit into this film. characterization and emotion is perhaps even more important to me than a good plot, and this film got the emotion down.

it’s definitely not a perfect film but it could have been so much worse, so i’m grateful that we got a good sendoff for the avengers.

7/10.

#endgame #endgame spoilers #avengers endgame #marvel #spoilers #shelby reviews movies #it took me two hours to write this out bye

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stratus-skye07 · 7 years

Text

Between Love Or Love [Two] | Suga

*Requested*

Description: Time passes. You live alone with your one year old daughter. On her birthday, you begin to wonder what’s next for her. Yoongi gives you your answer.

Genre: Angst w/ fluff ending

Word Count: 5k

[One]

ONE YEAR LATER…

Usually I would wake up to the bright light of the morning sun but today is one of those days where a familiar cry starts ringing in my ear. I look over to the baby monitor where my baby girl is standing in her crib.

I drag my feet down the dark hallway towards the nursery room. The sun wasn’t even out yet but my baby was.

I turn the light on, “What’s the matter, Yeona?” She looks up at me with wet eyes, “Huh? What’s wrong? It’s too early for you to be crying.” It’s not until I pick her up that I begin to smell the problem. “Oh you want to give eomma a present this early in the morning. You shouldn’t have.”

The nine months of my pregnancy came and went so fast. I gave birth to a healthy baby girl. I moved away from Seoul in order to raise her in a quieter environment. It’s only a few hours away but I don’t think I can ever find the courage to go back. Not when I know what to expect if I go back.

Yoongi never contacted me after that night I left his studio. Throughout the year, I kept building the guts to tell Yoongi everything but each time I tried I lost all will. When I held Yeona for the first time, I knew that I couldn’t give her up like I planned. She looks so much like Yoongi from her eyes to her button nose. I fell in love with her at first sight.

I finish changing Yeona’s diaper then feed her some milk to get her to go back to sleep. I manage to get her to sleep after rocking her for ten minutes. By the time I managed to get her to sleep the sun had already risen and it was time for me to get ready for the day.

I take a shower and get dressed when my phone starts vibrating on the dresser. I smile when I read the name on the screen.

I slide the green icon to answer, “Isn’t it a little early for you to be calling?”

That familiar windshield wiper laugh reverberates through the phone, “Yeah, but I knew you’d be awake.”

“It’s like you already know my schedule.”

“I should by now. How’s your morning going?”

“I mean I woke up to a fresh smell of soiled diapers so you can be sure that I’m awake.”

“Of course, Yeona gives nothing but the best for you. Listen, the reason I’m calling is that we’re gonna have a few days rest and I know it’s almost Yeona’s birthday so I wanted to ask if it was okay to come visit?”

“Jin, you know you don’t have to ask. You’re welcomed here anytime. Plus I think Yeona would love to see her Uncle Jin.”

He chuckles, “As well she should, and she has good taste in men after all. After seeing me she’ll grow up with such high expectations for men that can never be met.”

“Oh how will she live?”

“I can’t help it. It’s a curse that I have to live with until I die.”

“Alright, I’ll let you go. I’m sure you have to get going for your struggle to keep up with dance practice.”

“Yeah, every new dance just keeps getting harder to dance to.”

Yeonna begins to cry again, “Oh I think I hear a crying baby. That’s my cue.”

“Alright, I’ll see you in a few days.”

Jin ends his phone call with you to sneak back into his room. He creeps back in to be sure not to wake his roommate. He closes the door slowly as to not make a noise when he gets a tap on his shoulder which scares him.

He shouts in his roommate’s face, “Yoongi, what are you doing up?”

Yoongi rubs his swollen eyes, “Your phone call may have been quiet but your laugh never is.”

“Oh I’m sorry for waking you.”

Jin plays it off as if Yoongi didn’t hear the whole conversation and the more he thinks about it, he never mentioned your name so it wasn’t anything that would tip him off that you were still in contact with him.

The following day, the boys had finished recording for Music Bank. Yoongi had been wiping off his sweat from the performance. He looks over at Jin who’s talking to Jungkook. Little did Jin know, Yoongi overheard the phone conversation he had that morning.

He turns to Namjoon, “Hey do you know anyone named, Yeona?”

“Yeona?” Namjoon thinks for a moment but shakes his head, “Nah, I don’t think I’ve met anyone by that name. Why?”

“I heard Jin talking about going to meet up with someone during our break time with that name. I was wondering if he mentioned that to you.”

“What? You think he’s seeing someone behind our backs?”

“I don’t know. If he was, do you think he would tell us?”

“Of course he would. I mean you did when you started seeing…” Namjoon silenced himself before bring you up again.

Yoongi never forgot about you but he kept his promise to never go looking for you. He figured after what happened that you would never want to see him anyways. As time went by, one day something inside him really wanted to see you. He went to your apartment to find it empty. You were gone. He figured he deserved it since he hurt you so much. Yoongi felt that he didn’t deserve to even be that close to you so with resistance he never looked for you.

“Yeah, I know. He would be the first to date since me.”

Namjoon nudges his shoulder, “If you’re that curious why don’t you ask him?” Yoongi didn’t want to be nosey but he kept thinking about how things ended with you and him that he didn’t want that to happen to Jin if he was seeing someone. Yoongi managed to go on because of his stone cold heart but Jin is a more emotional person that wouldn’t be able to withstand it if he had to do what Yoongi did a year ago.

It wasn’t until that night, back at the dorms that Yoongi had built up the nerve to ask Jin upfront about who he was going to be meeting up with in a few days.

They were both in the kitchen eating together when he decided to bring the subject up.

“Hyung, what are your plans for these next few days.”

Jin finishes slurping up his noodles before he answers, “I’m just gonna visit an old friend I haven’t seen in a while.”

“Your girlfriend, maybe?” Yoongi says in a joking tone but the sarcasm came out faint.

Jin begins to sense something different about Yoongi’s questioning, “Why? You want to meet her?” He returns the sarcasm.

“Is that a confession?”

Jin sighs, “Don’t worry, she’s more like a little sister to me.”

“Hyung, you should be careful when you meet up with your friend. Fans could get the wrong idea and that could put her in danger, especially when your feelings might change for that person.”

Jin smiles but deep down he has this feeling of irritation that he was trying to hint at something more, “Yoongi, I’m old enough to take care of myself. Don’t try to tell me who I can and can’t see. I’m not you.”

Today was the day that Jin is coming to visit. I give Yeona a bath and get her dressed in one of the pink dresses that Jin had given to her.

I finish combing her hair, “You have to look extra pretty today, Yeona. Uncle Jin is coming to see you so you have to look better than him.”

Yeona claps her little hands against her legs, giggling and makes cooing noises as a response.

I put her in the stroller to meet up with Jin at the playground. When I get there I take a seat at one of the benches there until I spotted him enter the area, looking around for me.

“Jin!” I called to get his attention.

Once his eyes found me he rushes over to give me a hug, “Oh it’s so good to see you, Y/N.”

“The feeling’s mutual.”

When Jin lets go, he looks over at the stroller where Yeona had been making more cooing noises. Jin has spent a lot of time with Yeona to where she recognizes him very easily. Whenever she sees pictures of him on TV or advertisements around town she always smiles and reaches her arms out to grab him. He’s been the closes thing to father that I can give her.

Jin takes Yeona out of the stroller to smother her in kisses, “Wow, look at how much you’ve grown since the last time I saw you. Eomma has been feeding you well, right?”

Yeona response by giggling and reach out to grab his lips.

“Yeah, she’s been missing her Uncle Jin. She goes crazy when she sees you on TV.”

“She should go crazy for the most handsome man in the world, mainly when that man brings her a present.” Jin pulls a stuff bear from behind his back to wave in her face which causes her to reach for it.

After getting back in touch, Jin and I take Yeona over to the swings for babies. Jin stays behind her to push her while I stand on the side to watch them have fun.

“I heard the new song. You guys are getting better each comeback.” Jin smiles, “Each album we’re doing something different so it’s not too bad to get a good response.”

“I’m glad you’re at least getting some parts in the songs.”

He shrugs his shoulders, “I add the visuals more than the vocals so I’m still doing my part even without parts.”

I smile at the sight of Yeona’s laughing face. Moments like these where I see the same expressions I once saw in Yoongi’s face makes me wonder how he’s doing.

I clear my throat to prepare myself for the can of worms I was about to open now, “So how’s Yoongi doing?”

Jin continues to push Yeona while giving me side glances, “He’s fine. Why do you ask all of a sudden?”

Since leaving, I’ve told Jin to never give me updates on Yoongi. It was mostly for me. I couldn’t take being a part from him while I was pregnant and I wouldn’t have been able to handle the news that he was seeing someone else if that time ever came.

“I guess after a year the curiosity has gotten the better of me.”

“He’s not seeing anyone if that’s your next question.”

I start to have a little hope that maybe he still had some memories of us that kept him from dating anyone else. Yet again, that’s just wishful thinking.

Jin stops swinging Yeona and takes her out of the seat to hold her on his hip,

“What’s really on your mind?”

“As Yeona gets older it makes me wonder what the next step for her is. Should I get back in the dating scene or tell Yoongi everything? So many thoughts go through my mind when I look at her.”

“Are you saying I’m not doing a good job as her Uncle?” He says with a playful tone.

“There’s no doubt you’re the best uncle. The thing is I don’t want her to resent me when she’s a teenager. She’ll end up lecturing me about how I should’ve fought to keep Yoongi in the picture.”

“Y/N, you’ve done an amazing job raising her. She’s healthy and happy. If you feel ready enough to date then you should. If you want Yoongi to be a part of her life then tell him. Whatever you do I know you’re doing it for Yeona. I don’t like seeing you torturing yourself with the decision.”

Yeona starts yawning and leaning her head against Jin’s shoulder. “Come on, it’s time for someone’s nap.”

We walked back to my apartment. Jin helped me put Yeona to sleep. He fed her and rocked her until she finally passed out from the day out she had. Jin and I continue to talk about the possibilities for Yeona. We were deep in conversation when there’s a knock on my door.

I open the door when the blood in my body completely drained. The familiar figure stood at my doorstep. Someone I never imagined seeing again.

“Yoongi?”

After their conversation, Yoongi became suspicious of the way Jin acted. He normally wouldn’t be so hostile about the subject but his attitude gave something away.

Yoongi took a big risk in following Jin to meet up with his old friend. He knew that if Jin found out then he would feel that their relationship would be destroyed. He was only doing it to find out what kind of relationship he had with this girl friend. It wasn’t the first time he left to go see her so it only made his curiosity rise with the temptation to follow him.

He took Namjoon with him for support. It was mostly because he didn’t want to feel too guilty about spying on their oldest member.

“I still don’t understand why we’re doing this.” Namjoon says adjusting his seat in the train ride.

Namjoon and Yoongi had taken the same train as Jin to his destination but maintained a low profile by sitting in a separate car as him.

“Don’t you wanna find out if he’s dating someone or not?”

“That’s his personal life. Even if he is, he has a right to tell us when he’s ready.”

“Namjoon, think about it. Jin has always been open with us. Why all of a sudden he hides something like this from us?”

“I get your point but what if we’re wrong and this girl really is just a friend that he’s known?”

Yoongi nods his head, “That is why we’re doing this. That way if it’s true than we won’t have to explain why our noses are in his business.”

Namjoon clears his throat, “I’m sorry, our noses? I only agreed to come along so you wouldn’t start something that will jeopardize this group’s relationship from your curiosity.”

The two get off the train with Jin and follow him in the taxi to a playground. They both get confused as to why he would be going to a playground. They didn’t think too much about it assuming he was passing through or meeting up with his friend there. For some time, they had lost sight of Jin.

“Where did he go?” Yoongi asks scanning the playground.

“He sure is fast for an old timer.”

For a good while they searched around until they spot Jin by the swing set. They both hide behind a tall bush to take a peek at him with a woman. Jin is pushing a little girl on the swing as the woman he was with had her back turn towards them which made it difficult to see her face.

“Cute baby,” Namjoon comments when Jin takes the girl out of the swing to approach the woman.

“Must be her little sister?” Yoongi claims in an unsure tone.

Yoongi smiles at how adorable the baby girl is in Jin’s arms. His smile quickly disappears as the woman turns around to reveal her face. At that moment, Yoongi nearly lost his ability to breathe as he stared at you from the distance. His heart clenched at the sight of you in person after over a year of breaking up.

“Y/N?” He whispers through the knot in his throat.

So many thought go through his mind at the sight of you with Jin and a baby. He knew that you were an only child so that little girl couldn’t be your sister. Every assumption began to pop in Yoongi’s head. Especially the one possibility that you and Jin started seeing each other after you broke up or maybe you were seeing each other before then. The worst thought was that you two had a baby together at some point. No matter what the truth was Yoongi was angry at whatever it may be.

You and Jin had started leaving the playground together. Yoongi’s legs started moving to catch up but Namjoon is quick to stop him before he did something he would regret.

“Yoongi, wait. I know that you’re feeling angry about this but you can’t assume anything. We can ask Jin about this when we get back to Seoul.”

Yoongi shakes his head, swatting Namjoon’s hand away, “I can’t wait that long. I want answers now.”

It seems like his gaze on me lasts forever. It wasn’t until his eyes moved past me where Jin was standing.

He barges into my house to charge at Jin, “You son of a bitch.” Yoongi tackled Jin down to the ground and threw the first punch.

“Yoongi, stop.” Namjoon and I ran into action to stop Yoongi from doing any more harm to the situation.

Namjoon held Yoongi back while I helped Jin to his feet. His lip was bleeding but it doesn’t look like any more damage was done to his face.

“I can’t fucking believe you Jin, my own brother sleeping with my ex?”

Jin scoffs while holding his jaw, “Why do you care now? You abandoned her a long time. Why the hell did you two follow me anyways.”

“To see for myself if you were actually seeing someone. I just didn’t think I’d see you with Y/N and a baby? What did you do have a one night stand and get her pregnant?”

Jin clenches his fist as his anger begins to grow from how Yoongi was just spitting out all these accusations without knowing the truth.

I hold Jin back before he could antagonize Yoongi more by fighting, “Stop it both of you.” I look at Jin then back at Yoongi and Namjoon, “Jin, you have a train to catch back to Seoul in an hour right?”

“Yeah, but I can stay overnight if you need me to.”

I can hear Yoongi scoff but I continue to look at Jin, “No, I want you to go and take Namjoon with you.”

Jin’s eyes widen, “Y/ N, you can’t-”

“It’s okay, Jin. My question from earlier has been answered for me.” I look back at Yoongi, “I need to talk to Yoongi alone.”

Jin was extremely hesitant to leave but eventually, with enough push I managed to get him and Namjoon out the door. Before leaving, Jin gave me a reassurance speech about how his train doesn’t leave for another hour so if anything happens then he can come back quickly if things go sour. I know Yoongi and no matter how angry he is he won’t do anything harmful to me.

Yoong stood in the same spot for what felt like a long time. I past by him to close the front door then again to face him, but he never says anything.

“You want some coffee?” I walk over to the kitchen where he follows close behind, “You still drink it black, right?”

“How long have you and Jin been seeing each other? Before or after we broke up?”

“After, but it’s not what you think. Jin and I have never been intimate.”

“You expect me to believe that? You two have been with each other for over a year and never told me about it.”

“There’s nothing going on and even if there was it’s none of your business. Not anymore.”

“So what? We break up and you end up going after my roommate for consolation. Y/N, I never would’ve though you were that type of woman.”

I scoff, “How can you talk to me like this when you were the one that threw me away? You threw our relationship away like it was nothing.”

He runs his hands through his hair, “For fuck sake, I had to. After that fan incident, I kept thinking about that happening again but being worse the next time. You deserved better than having to wait for me to come back to you or having to force yourself to let me go for my schedules.”

Nothing of what he said processed quick enough, “What?”

He takes slow steps towards me until we were face-to-face. Something I dreamed about often but never thought I would see it happen, “After letting you walk out of my life, my heart turned cold that night. I never thought I could have that warm feeling that I felt with you again. I could never imagine myself with anyone else after that day. I loved you. After seeing you today again, I’ve realized that I still love you.”

I bite my bottom lip to hold back the tears that I had built up over the past year but it was too much to keep in.

My whole body felt like it was about to collapse but it was stopped from hitting the floor by a warm embrace. It was an embrace that I was too familiar with. A year a part but I could never forget the feeling or the smell.

I push at his chest but he doesn’t budge to let go. Something I wish he had done from the beginning. I end up throwing weak hits to his chest.

“All this time, I thought you hated me for what happened and you just…” I cry in his shoulder barely able to finish my sentence.

“I know, and I’m so sorry.”

Before I could say anymore, Yeona began crying from her room. I quickly wipe my face to hide the redness. She may be a baby but she recognizes when her eomma is happy or not.

Yoongi took me by the shoulders to look me in the eye, “Tell me something. Who is that baby? Be honest, is she Jin’s baby?”

I shake my head giving him the truth that I wanted to tell him that night I disappeared from his life. The truth I’ve been carrying heavily on my shoulders for over a year.

“She’s not Jin’s. She’s yours.”

Yoongi’s face goes pale as the realization of what I said hits him. He takes a seat on one of the chairs from the kitchen table.

I go into the nursery to get Yeona out of her crib. As I hold her in my arms, I begin to think about what was happening. She’s about to meet her appa for the first time. I always wondered how this would play out and now it was time to stop wondering.

When I came back to the kitchen, Yoongi had his head in his hands. It’s not until I pulled out the chair next to him to sit when he lifts his head. His eyes zero in on Yeona. He was taking in every detail of her face.

“Do you wanna hold her?”

He slightly shakes his head, “I don’t know how.”

I chuckle, “There’s nothing complicated about it.”

I place her on his lap where he grips her as if he’s scared that he’ll drop her. Yeona looks up at her appa.

At first, she has a look like she’s examining him which changes to a cute giggle. Yeona puts her hands together in her mouth before reaching up to touch Yoongi’s chin.

He gives her a gummy smile, “Hi,”

“Her name’s Yeona. Min Yeona.”

Yoongi pulls Yeona close to his chest before looking up at me with watery eyes, “Her last name is Min?”

I nod, “I thought long and hard about whether to give her my surname or yours, even putting your name on her birth certificate. In the end, I couldn’t deny the fact that you are her appa.”

In no time Yoongi started making faces and goofing around with Yeona, making her laugh. He had quickly gone into appa mode within an hour of meeting her. When Yeona needed a diaper change, he asked me to teach him how. He was taking his role as appa seriously.

He held her for a majority of the night, up until she fell asleep. I came to the nursery to find Yoongi still staring at Yeona even though she was asleep. I guess missing the first year of her life makes him want to not miss anything else.

I tap Yoongi’s shoulder, “She’s not going anywhere. One thing she got from you was that she’s a heavy sleeper.”

He laughs quietly, “She’s so beautiful. She looks like you.”

“Funny, everyone says that but when I look at her all I see is you.”

I walk out of the nursery to let him have his time with Yeona but he ends up following me out into the hall.

“Y/N,” I stop midway to face him, “I’m so sorry. If I’d known I wouldn’t have been so stupid. You wouldn’t have had to leave and handle all this on your own.”

“Jin found out that I was pregnant that night I left the studio. He was the one that encouraged me to tell you everything but I couldn’t after what happened. I even had him promise me that he wouldn’t mention a word to you about me or Yeona. He’s done a lot for us. So the next time you see him, thank him.”

“Where do we go from here?”

“I don’t know but we can talk about that later.” I point at the door down the hall from my room, “You can stay in the guest room. Spend the rest of your time off with Yeona.”

I end up lying in bed for so long thinking about what’s next now that Yoongi has met his daughter. It takes a while but I manage to get myself to sleep. It didn’t last long when I hear a cry coming from the baby monitor. All of a sudden it stops. I start to think that I’m hearing things now.

A few minutes of silence go by that I start to get groggy. Suddenly I feel a dip in my bed. I open my eyes to find Yoongi crawling over me.

I sit up on my elbows, “Yoongi, what are you doing?”

“Do you remember those nights we spent together in my room,” he looks at me with lustful eyes as he pushes me down onto the bed.

“How could I forget? We’d try to stay quiet while Jin was sleeping across the room.”

He looks at me all over. His hand reaches up to stroke my cheek, thumb grazing my lip.

“Yoongi-”

He cuts me off by kissing me. Without much resistance I open my mouth to let him in. The feeling of his lips feels the same. The reaction my body is giving is like it used to be. It feels like nothing changes. It’s like the past year apart never happened.

Yoongi starts to lead his lips down to my stomach. I bite back a moan as I brush my fingers through his soft hair. He lifts my shirt to continue his pursuit but stops all of a sudden.

“Yoongi?”

I look down my body to see him staring at my stomach. It’s not until he strokes my stretch marks I got from when I was pregnant that I put it together what he was distracted by. He must have a strong feeling of guilt missing everything, the doctor’s appointments, ultrasounds, and going through labor.

I sit up to pull him into a hug, “I was never mad at you, Yoongi. I was just confused at how one thing could’ve ruined our relationship like that.”

“I was so stupid. I shouldn’t of-”

I hush him with my fingertips and pull him to lie down beside me. “Stop thinking about the past and focus on right now. You know the truth now. You’ve met Yeona. Whatever you want to do now I’ll support it, whether it’s get to know her which I will help you with or not which I’ll understand.”

I don’t want him to hate himself for what happened but more like be happy that he’s got a bright future with his daughter if he chooses to stay and get to know Yeona. I never pursued him to tell him about my pregnancy because I knew how much BTS meant to him. I figured it was for the best.

I awoke to a dark room which made me believe that it was still early. It’s not until I reach for my phone to check the time do I see that it’s actually 10am. I shoot up realizing that I slept in. I look over beside me to find that Yoongi is missing. In haste, I get up to check on Yeona. Normally she would have woken up for a diaper change or hunger.

I enter her room when my heart skips a beat at the sight of an empty crib. Yoongi was gone and so was Yeona. In that moment I turned into a mess of panic.

I run into the living room where my racing heart begins to slow down. Yoongi is walking around the coffee table with Yeona gripping his fingers and a smile on her face. Seeing the sweet moment makes me want to cry but for Yeona’s sake I fight the tears.

Yoongi notices me watching them, “Oh look Yeona. Go walk towards eomma.” Yeona looks up at me while wobbling towards me. Once she reaches my shins I pick her up to hold her.

“It looks like someone’s having fun so early in the morning.”

“I didn’t think she’d be this energetic.”

“I was talking about you.”

I take Yeona with me to the couch where I put her on my lap. She starts reaching for my hair to play with it when Yoongi grabs my attention.

“I want you to move back to Seoul with me.”

I turn to look at him, “What?”

“I missed the first year of Yeona’s life and I don’t want to miss anymore. I can work around my schedule so that I’m with you and her. I also want you back. Waking up to you made me miss those mornings where you forced me to go to my schedules on time. I missed you so much.”

I smile letting the tears that I was trying so hard to hold back fall down my cheeks. I always dreamed of Yoongi wanting to know about Yeona but feared that he wouldn’t be ready to raise a child. Now he’s here, a natural appa, and wanting us to come back to Seoul to live like a family. This was one of the scenarios in my head that I thought was too farfetched to happen but it’s really happening now.

“I missed you too.”

Yoongi reaches up to wipe the tears away when Yeona begins to sob next.

“What’s wrong, Yeona?” Yoongi asks with a pouty face. “Are those tears of joy too?”

I pat her on the back to calm her from crying but it doesn’t help as she continues her sobbing.

“Shh, don’t cry. Appa’s here.” He’s extra careful when picking her up out of my lap. His face contours as soon as he holds her close to him, “Okay, I think I know what it is.”

I finish wiping my eyes, “Is she hungry?”

Yoongi shakes his head, “Nope, but with that smell, I’d cry too.”

[One]

#bts #bts suga #bts yoongi #bts min yoongi #bts suga dad au #bts min yoongi dad au #bts yoongi dad au #bts suga scenario #bts min yoongi scenario #bts yoongi scenario #bts scenario #bts fluff #bts suga fluff #bts yoongi fluff #bts min yoongi fluff #bts suga angst #bts min yoongi angst #bts yoongi angst #bts angst

232 notes · View notes

clove-teasdale · 6 years

Text

survival of the fittest

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

A/N: not a challenge but has background, some detective clove and rp~ Sorry for any mistakes in writing or typos, I was done with revisions and probs missed some stuff lol. there are mulan and batman (and slight marvel) references. italics section in the end is past. word count around 3k. enjoy! ft. rp with @maya-edwards & little wilson

[edit--some slight changes were made/added in the last section]

*:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧ *:･ﾟ✧

One earbud in, I tapped the pen against my notebook. 6 Twos in the last Selection. Gradually less than our current 10.

I’d found the list of old Selected in a magazine published over two decades ago. I doubted ripping off the page was allowed considering it was from the library, but it wasn’t an actual book so I sneaked it out anyway. The possibility of someone noticing was extremely low after all.

I kept the page folded and clipped in the back cover of my notebook in case I needed it later, but had already made my own version of the list on a fresh page. I wanted to work through it even with other people around, so I knew I had to make it visually confusing. For once my love for complicated plans came in handy.

The list consisted of name abbreviations. Carmen Zoraya becoming C.Z and so on. Next, to each name, I added caste number and week of elimination.

C.Z-3-W8. R.D.J.-2-W12 B.M-5-W3

Getting the information had taken me hours of reading in the library, but I’d managed. I went through different magazines, hidden between some pillars and a bookshelf to avoid being spotted by other girls that frequented the area. Organizing the old issues by their dates had probably been the biggest challenge–sitting on the carpeted floor, my back to the bookshelf and dozens of magazines on my lap.

I focused mostly on reading eliminations to get the crucial information out, but I hoped to go back later in the week to read about the dramas that had ensued during those months. Maybe that would give some extra insight otherwise dismissed when looking only at the bigger picture.

I wasn’t sure why I was still working on this. A gut feeling? Many psychologists debated there was always information and data our right brain was taking in, no matter if our left brain was busy on something else. The body registers the information even when your mind stays unaware. If that were true, what had I noticed besides the already obvious? I couldn’t tell, but it didn’t matter. I had enough spare time to work on it.

Running through the names again, I added strikes under Threes. I was in the eighth strike when I caught a girl approaching from the corner of my eye. She was the embodiment of nervousness, eyes searching the room as she clutched a book to her chest. There was an empty spot next to me, but she hadn’t noticed it yet when Victoria walked behind her. The TV sensation hadn’t even batted an eye in her direction, but the girl with the short afro was startled nonetheless.

The book was soon in the air as she juggled it around in an attempt to catch it. She wasn’t as swift as a coursing river though and it fell to the ground pretty quickly.

She sighed, shoulders slumping in disappointment. I stared in silence, making sure others hadn’t paid much attention to the event before stating, “I think you dropped something.”

She was startled once more, but this time by my voice, a groan leaving her lips as she realized the spectacle had had an audience. “You saw all that, didn’t you…”

“Does it make it any better if I say no?”

She reached for the book and once standing, nodded a little, a worried frown as she said, “A-actually yes…”

I raised an eyebrow at her fear, unsure of the reason behind it, but settled with an “Okay,” and went back to my notes. I knew the best thing was not to make any further comments.

“Can I, uh- Can I sit here?” She asked after a moment.

I stopped in the middle of adding another strike to the number of Threes and considered the question. Staring at my notes without context made no sense as expected, so I figured it wasn’t a problem. “The seat is open to the public, you may sit.”

Whether she understood my slightly joking tone or not was hard to tell, but she cleared her throat and sat down either way. “Thanks…”

I’d seen her around before. Maya was her name if I remembered correctly. Sometimes she seemed kind of lost. Not like she didn’t know what was happening, but more like she wasn’t sure why she was there or what her plan was. A combination of shy and awkward was very likely.

Easy targets tend to know what they are. Wilson’s face crossed my mind at the thought. I took the single earbud I was wearing off, then went back to counting Threes. “No need to thank me. You didn’t need my permission to sit there.”

“Uh, well…Maybe you didn’t want company or- maybe it was taken?”

“Whether I want company or not should not scare you away from taking a seat that is there to be used by you.”

She frowned, considering my words. “I suppose not?” A moment of silence. “Sorry?”

I paused my count. So one of those people. Looking up, I raised an eyebrow at her. “Why sorry?”

Her own logic caught up with mine as she stuttered, “Uh-well- I don’t know…”

Trying to run away from embarrassment, she quickly opened her book and pretended to read. Too bad she wasn’t good at pretending.

I smirked down at my notes and said, “I see you have the ability of reading upside down.”

Her blush was unmistakable as she closed her eyes, realizing she was holding the book incorrectly. She tried to fix it, turning it over quickly. “No-Yes, yes, very entertaining, I can tell you.” She cleared her throat at the end and my smirk didn’t leave.

“Mhmm, I bet so. What did you think about the love interest killing his sister?”

“It really uh, turned the story ‘upside down’…”

I snorted at the pun. “Of course… you do realize that doesn’t happen though?” Taking the book from her and reading the page at the bottom I pointed out, “Page 56. The love interest isn’t introduced yet.” Also, there was no sister. Closing the book, I handed it back with a smug smile. Her smile in return was awkward.

“Well, it was worth a try? Sor– I mean, eh the book is nice then? Haven’t read it yet.”

“I figured as much, but yes, it’s a decent one. What made you pick it up?”

“I dropped it? So… Then I picked it up again?” She frowned and a head tilt followed. I frowned too, not getting what she was talking about at first, but then laughing at the mistake.

Once she realized what I meant she was quick to explain she hoped to get some knowledge on palace rules and etiquette considering the setting of the book. In theory, it sounded like something good, but it wasn’t going to be enough and she actually had access to books about the subject in the library. I suggested those for later. She pointed out they were boring in a small voice and I couldn’t disagree. I did tell her a novel wouldn’t help much, however.

“I know, I know…” She pouted, but soon curiosity took over her features. “What are you doing though?”

I stared at my barely understandable handwriting. I had the potential to make it neat if I bothered to try, but half the time I didn’t and especially not now. “A… personal project I guess.” I shrugged it off as I closed the notebook. “Nothing too important.”

“O-of course! I didn’t mean to uh–…” She vaguely gestured with her hands in the air when I waited for her to continue. “You know, to be rude.”

“It’s alright, not that big a deal, just something I don’t think I’d be able to explain.“ A partial lie. I didn’t want to start havoc just because I’d run a couple of numbers that could technically still be coincidental. Thankfully, I usually pulled off keeping things to myself pretty well. “You’re Maya, right?”

“Yes! And you’re Clove.” She smiled, taking another second to remember to offer a hand for me to shake.

I nodded at the name and accepted the handshake. It wasn’t a soft grip, but slightly wary. She could use a little confidence. “You know, you shouldn’t be so frightened by them. They won’t bite you.”

I hadn’t mentioned Victoria’s name, but she got what I meant, biting her lip and trying to joke to dismiss my comment. I wasn’t too impressed. “I mean it.” I opened my notebook, this time on a random page, and started doodling a spiral pattern out of habit. “They seem like they’ll hurt you but if anyone was that mean sabotage would already be happening. Worse case scenario maybe one of them is that petty, but you’d have to piss them off for real to worry about it.”

Maya nodded. “It sounds logical… Thanks anyway.”

That smile was more convincing than the previously given, even if she changed the subject after it.

It took a few seconds for Wilson to stop laughing. “Oh wait, you’re serious?”

Even if he couldn’t see it through the call, I rolled my eyes at him. “You talk as if I can’t make friends.”

“Well, I mean… you can, but you hate them most of the time.”

That got a snort from me. “I don’t hate them. I just don’t trust their intentions.”

“Same difference. Clove Teasdale doesn’t make friends.”

That was a partial truth. I had various friend groups during high school and middle school, but none of them stuck with me. I was that person people wanted to be friends with, but not for any good reasons. It was because we fitted or because it was expected. Other times it was just convenient. Sometimes I wondered if maybe it was me though. Maybe I didn’t know how to be a good friend. That or I had really bad luck.

People at Mt. Rainer High School always seemed to strike some drama no matter what the clique. More often than not, about something I couldn’t understand, but whenever I gave suggestions to make things less complicated I was ignored, an annoyance, or horrible for not supporting a side.

When groups fractured I took a step back. Better alone than in a mess. Wilson had never understood why I’d give it all up and move on so fast, but I didn’t blame him. He knew that it was a smart choice to avoid drama, yet wished he could have that choice himself. He didn’t. He wasn’t really liked around school and therefore had only one friend...Which wasn't that different from me except I could pretend more.

Students liked to say it was because he was kind of a nerd. He knew as much as I did that it was because of his previous Caste though, even if no one would admit so. It was kinda dumb. As dumb as the caste system itself–trying to set a number with the life you’ll get–forcing a talented artist to become a teacher and a physics genius to be Picasso.

Not everyone could pull off a Da Vinci and be good at whatever they were put in. Many people failed because of that. Others were like Wilson’s mother, giving up the life she was born in for a life as a Three with whom she fell in love with. That left Wilson as nothing but a Two by chance. Terrible, dreadful chance that he never even asked for and would probably give up to get his parents back.

I leaned against my chair and got back to our conversation. “Statistically speaking, most people that stay friends are from college so…”

He pretended to be offended. “Ouch.”

”You’re decent enough. But as I was saying, I’ll try to befriend some of the girls. This isn’t school.”

“Hmm, you’re right. Everyone here sucks.”

“Even Graciela?” I teased, remembering the name I’d gotten out of him a few days ago. He scoffed back at me.

“No, she hasn’t been corrupted yet.”

“Now you just have to actually talk to her.”

He laughed for the second time. I was silent. “Oh, you’re serious again.”

I shook my head. “You’re a lost cause, kid.”

It was the middle of freshman year when we met for the first time.

I was placing books in my backpack, my head making a list of the homework for the next day when Cooper pushed him into a set of lockers feet away. I turned my head in the direction of who would one day be the future varsity quarterback as he took care of the new wimpy kid.

Cooper wasn’t really original, trying as hard as possible to go for the popular-jock-bully stereotype as soon as the school year started. Intimidating middle schoolers and stealing lunch money he didn’t even need. It was hard to ignore sometimes, but I did.

Pressing my lips together, I watched as he stepped away to laugh at the boy, inciting his two friends to join him on whatever joke he’d made. Obviously, they did. Cooper’s father was a high ranking officer in the military. He had everything he needed to be on a high pedestal in school one day, which was annoying.

I was on the list of few who ever stood up to him since we’d once been friends. That is before he filled his head with air. The brief moment I got to look at his new prey was enough to recognize the black haired kid holding tightly onto the strap of his backpack with a clenched jaw.

His eyes darted from Cooper to the floor around him, head hidden between his shoulders. I’d seen that face in a million pictures around Mrs. Grayson’s house after my chess classes with her. It was her grandson, the one she always referred to as little robin. Apparently, the kid ran around saying “holy cows, Batman” more than he should when he was seven.

She told my parents he would move in with her soon, being the legal guardian his parents’ had asked for. “Car accident,” she’d mentioned. I had already spotted him in our algebra class a few times that week. He seemed advanced enough to take it before high school which only made him a bigger target.

Cooper nudged him, “Come on, that was hilarious.” Little Robin didn’t seem to have the same spirit Mrs. Grayson always talked about now and only gulped, averting his gaze. Cooper didn’t leave him though. “Cat got your tongue or something? I’ve never heard you say anything in class.” He towered over him, making him press his back even closer to the lockers.

I narrowed my eyes at them and walked over. I hadn’t precisely told Mrs. Grayson I would keep an eye out for him, but I felt like I needed to on her behalf. Sometimes she’d served as a babysitter of sorts when my parents traveled together. She was good to me.

I elbowed Cooper’s friends out of the way and they gave angry glares until they recognized me. They decided to step away instead so I stood behind Cooper and tapped his shoulder.

“What-” he paused mid-sentence as he turned around, eyes locking on me, annoyed for the split second he realized I wasn’t one of his friends. Jaw clenched, he stood up straighter and then mumbled my name between a gritted-teeth smile. “Anything I can help you with?”

“What do you think you’re doing?” I asked, flatly.

He offered a charming smile. “Oh, just asking the genius for some tutoring classes. You know how bad I’m at Algebra. I thought I might as well ask him to teach me some stuff. Right George?” He elbowed the kid for a sign of confirmation.

I was pretty sure his name wasn’t George, yet Little Robin didn’t correct him either as he spared me a glance himself. There was a pause long enough to tell Cooper was lying. And though I knew that much already, in the end, the boy thought it was wiser to agree halfheartedly to the lie. Survival of the fittest. He wouldn’t disagree after Cooper established himself as an authority so firmly.

I remained silent, thinking of how to turn the situation around. The kid was new, he didn’t know what to do. It was like a game of poker. Bluff even if you don’t have the upper hand.

“He can’t tutor you,” I stated, earning a confused frown from both.

“And why is that?” Cooper crossed his arms, puffing out his chest. Good thing this wasn’t a matter of physical strength, and if it were, a strategy could give leverage either way.

“Because I asked him to tutor me already.” My turn to lie.

The boy blinked, trying to read between the lines of our conversation while Cooper narrowed his eyes at me. “I didn’t think you needed help with math, Clove.”

“Well, I do, and he promised to help me out.” I looked at the boy. “Right kid?”

Again he only blinked.

Your turn to join the game Robin, don’t disappoint. It took him another second, but his eyes lit up with understanding and he stood up straighter. “Yeah, I um…I did.”

Cooper glared at him and the kid broke eye contact, however, didn’t slump against the lockers anymore. Then the glowering was at me.

I only raised my eyebrows in response, inciting a move from Cooper. His lip twitched, jaw set as I stared up at him. He knew better than to make a scene. I’d tied his hands. He couldn’t force Wilson to tutor him if I claimed he’d agreed to tutor me first. Bringing in a teacher to ‘settle the situation’ was possible if I wanted too. There was no way for him to win.

Knowing how to pick his battles, he turned around to leave but I stopped him. “Wait.”

“What?” he groaned.

I crossed my arms. “Did you take any money from him?”

His eyes flashed as he swiveled around. I waited. He let out a breath through his nose before placing a grin on his face to hide unwillingness. If there was something Cooper hated was letting others know someone had been able to push his buttons.

He turned to the boy, taking a few bills out of his pocket, and forced his voice to sound friendly. “Hey, thanks for lending me the money kid, but turns out I might not need it anymore.”

The boy stared at the money like it was on fire, but accepted its returns when he noticed my head gesture and the jock’s angry gaze.

“Happy now,” Cooper muttered afterward. I shrugged and he stormed off as soon as he could, followed by the other two jerks. Once they were gone I looked back at him.

“You okay?”

His head snapped back in my direction. “What just..”

I didn’t let him finish the question and simply announced, “He lost the game.”

His mouth opened to reply. Nothing came out and I glanced at my watch. If I didn’t get moving I’d have no chance to eat. “Stay out of his way and you’ll be fine.”

“Um… y-yeah, alright. Thanks.”

I nodded. “Clove Teasdale.”

“Geordi Wilson.”

George would have been better… I sized him up. His uniform was in pristine form: shirt tucked in, vest ironed to perfection, hair combed neatly and shoes as shiny as they could be. Not bad by any means, but definitely like he was trying too hard. He would need some help to survive around here.

I turned around to leave. “Stick with Wilson, kid.”

#//fics #//not a challenge #wilson tag #maya tag

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winwiniswinning · 7 years

Text

Clumsy Feet | Taeyong

Requested by @kookiexdae: Hi I was wondering if I could request a Taeyong scenario in which you two meet as trainees and you have difficulty dancing and he helps you out and then bc he likes you asks you out or something like that? fluffy plz thank u <3

Genre: Fluff | honestly think there’s like little bit of angst at the beginning?

Word Count: 1969

Warnings: None (unless you’re counting my crappy writing that will possibly make all of you go blind from reading it)

Creds to @megan1tuan for reading this and giving me the confidence to post this haha

Beads of sweat ran down the back of your neck and drenched your t-shirt as you tried and failed once again to complete the set of fast foot steps. You blocked out your dance teacher’s screaming, making it muffled like you were underwater. You already knew everything she was saying anyways. How you should be working harder, you weren't improving whatsoever, and you'd end up being kicked out if you performed like that at the monthly evaluation that was coming up. You knew. She had screamed that in your ear at least a hundred times by now.

You didn't even have to look up to know that all your fellow trainees were looking at you with pity. You hated that. Being looked down upon or with pity made you feel horrible. But you knew they only did that because they knew how hard you worked, and how little all your work did.

- - -

12:00, midnight. You were exhausted and frustrated with yourself. You've been staying behind after everyone else to put in extra practice every night. And every night, you felt like you were getting worse instead of improving.

Right now, you were trying to do the entire dance routine perfectly. The monthly evaluation was at 7:00 in the morning and you were not going to allow yourself to get kicked out of SM because you couldn't perfect one dance routine.

Taeyong passed by the practice room you're using and peeked in through the window in curiosity when he heard loud music playing. He thought he was the only who practiced late and the idea of someone else being so dedicated as to practice to midnight like him made Taeyong excited.

Seeing you dancing hard in front of the mirror, he admired your determination to get the routine down. But he really couldn't deny the fact that your dancing was rather messy. Taeyong remembered to a time about a week ago when Jaehyun and Yuta talked about how bad of a dancer you were and laughed at a video that one of the girl trainees had taken during practice. Taeyong had felt horrible when he saw Jaehyun and Yuta, two close friends of his, making fun of another trainee. But he knew that you weren't as bad of a trainee as people made you out to be. Taeyong had heard plenty of other things about you too. How you were always complimented for amazing vocal and rapping abilities. And how you wrote great lyrics for songs that you made yourself. Taeyong hated to think that all of your talent could end up wasted just because you were a slower learner when it came to dance.

He opened the door quietly and slipped into the practice room. You paid no attention and continued dancing.

Your steps were muddled and messy but it wasn't too terrible. Taeyong figured that if the teacher had spent a bit of extra time on doing the steps, you would have it down. Now the main problem was your coordination. Your arms and legs seemed like they didn't even belong to you. Flopping and not strong and graceful.

While focusing hard on dancing, you feel as though you were being watched. Like someone was burning a hole through your back. You lifted your head up and spotted Taeyong standing behind you. You could feel your mouth opening in surprise. Taeyong was an extremely popular trainee, what with his rapping, vocals, dancing, and amazing visuals. Girls would always giggle about him and other cute boy trainees during break.

You had seen him dance before and was amazed by his skills. Every move of his was sharp and powerful. Not wanting to look weak, you straightened your back and turned off the music. “Why are you here?”

Naturally, Taeyong put on his cold exterior in response. Without missing a beat, he coldly replied with seemingly no emotion, “Your arms are a flailing mess, you keep on skipping over the same footsteps, and you're off beat.”

Without warning, your eyebrows furrowed and tears formed in your eyes. In seconds, the waterworks started and you were quietly sobbing to yourself. You knew that everything Taeyong was saying was right. The entire time, you had been trying to keep up to the music and control your movements. Hearing him say what you had already known with such a straight, cold face made you break.

Taeyong was startled by your sudden tears. Having no experience with girls, especially crying ones, he stood silently, frantically wondering what he should do. Deciding that a crying girl was no different from a crying boy, Taeyong approached you the same way he did with his younger trainee friends. Quietly, he stepped forward and gently pulled your head towards his chest. Keeping one hand on the back of your head, he wrapped the other around your waist. As Taeyong gently stroked your hair, he whispered, “I’m sorry for being so cold. Please stop crying.”

Having not been held by someone for so long, you started crying harder. Although you had just met him, you couldn’t help feeling like his hug had a nice, familiar feeling. The two of you stood there for five minutes. Even after you stopped crying, Taeyong continued to hold you to his chest. Your arms had found their way to wrap around his waist tightly, burying yourself in his soft sweatshirt stained with your tears.

“Are you feeling okay now? I’m so sorry, I was too harsh with you. I know that we’re having the monthly evaluation tomorrow so would you like me to help you with the dance routine?” Taeyong asked as you withdrew yourself from him.

Smiling through your tear stained face, “That would be great. Thanks,”

You were surprised by how different Taeyong was acting now from before. Although still skeptical about how you felt towards him, you gladly accepted his offer. He was considered one of the best dancers out of the trainees for a reason.

After that, Taeyong was much gentler to you and showed his real side; a soft, cuddly, little teddy bear that was willing to do anything to help. The two of you spent hours going over the entire routine and he was extremely patient in helping you with parts that you found difficult. The way he taught you was so much better than the dance teacher. Part of it was because he had you do the moves slowly at first and then build up your speed, but another part was that he made the atmosphere light and comfortable. Even though he knew that you only had a limited amount of time before the evaluation, he made jokes and gave you breaks. You were so grateful towards him. You knew that Taeyong could have easily passed by you and gone back to catch some sleep. But instead he took time (lots of time) to help you out. It was one of the sweetest, if not the sweetest thing that someone had done for you since you’d become a trainee.

- - -

“Yes, Y/N! You did it!” Taeyong swooped you up in his arms, a move that caught you off guard for a moment. Once getting used to his warm arms around you, you laughed as he twirled you around. After working together on the dance routine for 5 hours, the sun was rising and you had finally been able to complete the entire routine without any mistakes.

High-fiving one another, you were both grinning ear to ear and standing there looking at each other. Realizing that the moment was getting rather awkward, Taeyong looked past you to see the sunrise. He couldn’t help but think that you looked so beautiful with the sun’s warm rays glowing behind you; it made you look like an angel.

“Hey Taeyong, you okay there?” You waved your hand in front of his face. He had been staring at you with a faraway gaze for a bit now and it was starting to creep you out. Although you really couldn’t deny the heat rising in you, heading straight for your face. Shaking his head a bit to get rid of those seemingly unnecessary thoughts about you, Taeyong gave a small smile back.

“Sorry, seems I sort of drifted off a bit from staying up so much.”

You felt a pang in your chest at his words. You knew that you were the reason he was so tired and out of it. Noting the small fall in your smile, Taeyong grabbed you by the shoulder and shook you gently. “It’s alright. It’s not your fault that I’m tired. I wanted to help you, didn’t I?” He reassured. “Hey, let’s go to McDonalds! We have some time before the testing and you need some good ol’ food in that tummy.” Taeyong followed by poking you gently in the stomach, eliciting a giggle from you.

Over an extremely unhealthy meal that a trainee definitely should not be eating, Taeyong and you spoke about the most random of topics. From your pets, favorite colors, funny trainee stories, to what words rhymed as you guys tried to form a rap together. You found yourself having much more fun that you’d experienced in a long time. Taeyong was very enjoyable company and had many interesting facts that he eagerly shared with you. And in the course of a simple short hour, you found out more about him than you ever thought you would.

Despite wanting to spend the entirety of the day with him, you knew that it was time to return to the SM building. The hands on the clock were quickly approaching six o’clock, the time when trainees were supposed to gather to prepare for the evaluation. Taeyong and you walked briskly back to the entertainment building as you chatted about your life back home. Taeyong almost wanted to burst out laughing at the animated expressions and hand movements you made to accompany your enthusiastic voice while you gushed about funny experiences, your friends, and how you became a trainee. He found them extremely endearing and unique to you.

Stopping in front of the sliding glass door of SM, Taeyong held your wrist to keep you from entering the building. His joyful expression had turned into one of nervousness. He fiddled a bit with his fingers.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” You laughed gently at his sudden change in personality.

Taeyong gave himself a small, You can do it! in his head before clasping his hands together. “Okay, so I know we haven’t known each other for that long,” He started slowly.

“Only like…” Pausing for a second, he counted on his fingers slowly. “Six hours.” He grinned at you. “But I really like your personality. You’re funny, sweet, energetic and so much more. And I admire the way you’re so driven with all of training. And honestly, I think I’m getting ahead of myself, but would you consider going on a date or two with me? Because I really want to know you more and spend more time too cause you-”

You interrupted his cute ramble and your heart seemed to pump faster as you spoke. “Of course.”

“What?”

“I said, I’d love to go on a date or two with you.” And more to yourself than him, you mumbled, “And maybe be your girlfriend later.”

His face lit up like a little kid on Christmas day, not only from you agreeing, but also because he managed to catch what you said to yourself. You guys smiled goofily at each other for a minute before you remembered that the clock was ticking and you really did need to get into the building. Quickly, you squished his cute little cheeks and gave a small peck on his nose before hurrying into the building.

“Wish me good luck on my evaluation!”

#nctwriters #winwiniswinning #taeyong #nct #scenario #fluff #little bit of angst?#nct 127 #nct-u #taeyong x reader #dancing #trainees

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eyez-ff-blog · 7 years

Text

○○ eyez | fifty-five

“Fuck, this place is huge. This’d be easier without lugging around a child,” Beija huffed as she walked through the arena’s venue with the couple of personnel who were instructed to show her around.

“At least you still get to go places, sis. I miss you guys already,” Ib laughed softly as Beija glanced over the rows of chairs that the other attendants were setting up. “How has your day been, though?” He asked.

“Long,” Beija glanced over the stage set-up, and she nodded as she watched the technicians work on the LED screen that would hold some of the visual images Jermaine had put together. “Had my usual morning meditation, then we came down to check everything out. J’s got rehearsal within the next hour, then I have to meet up with the VIPs to help them towards sound check,” She listed off as they headed towards the ‘backstage’ area.

“I see you got it all locked down. But you know Perry is there in my place if you need anything done that you can’t handle yourself,” Ib mumbled, and Beija soon heard the soft cooing of one of his twins.

“Yep, I’ll keep that in mind. Although you could have gotten someone that’s not so newt looking,” Beija noticed one of the personnel snickering at her comment.

“You lose all tact when you get pregnant, you know that? Nicole too—what’s up with that?” Beija laughed at Ibrahim’s genuine confusion.

“Hush that up. But I’m gonna go so I can get this shit together. Kiss my nieces and Nic for me,” She requested.

“You know I will. Love you, B; tell J I said good luck tonight,” Ib concluded.

“Alright. See ya,” Beija hung up the phone before she slipped her phone into the pocket of her pants, glancing up as she continued to walk alongside the two members of personnel.

“Okay, here are our dressing rooms for the performers. Do you have a list of Mr. Cole’s request for his room?” One of them asked, and Beija passed over the packet of papers that included everything that Jermaine would need. “Good. We should have everything ready for him before 5:30 today.”

“Wonderful! I think I got it from here, then. Thanks so much,” Beija watched as they walked away, and she let out a soft sigh. “Here we go again,” She mumbled to herself.

It had been so long since Jermaine had did another tour—he opted out on touring during the ‘Eyez’ era, mainly because of wanting to be with Beija and Janiya since at the time, the girl was still so young. But now they were all on the road together for the Reborn Live Sessions. While daddy and mommy worked, Janiya got to spend her days as a tourist with Gina, who took care of her during the day. Beija was actually kind of excited about the new tour, mainly because she knew Niya would be able to experience her father perform for the first time.

At her age, Niya knew that her father liked to do music but probably had no real idea how far Jermaine’s influence ran; she probably wouldn’t know for real until she was much older. But Beija was just happy to be able to bring her child along for the tour and be able to ‘relive the glory days’ in a way. It was being on tour with Jermaine back during the ‘Forest Hills Drive’ era that made her fall in love with the man, although she wouldn’t admit it then. She had gained a best friend that summer and eventually he became the love of her life. Now she’d probably feel those feelings all over again, and her daughter and unborn son would be able to feel that magic too.

Since Selina and Sabrina were still so young, Ibrahim decided to stay home with Nicole this time around, and he left Beija ‘in charge’ of everything that went throughout the tour. She was given an assistant, Perry, but with the way Beija was she’d probably handle everything by herself. She had to make sure that everyone had their share of things together, from the band and various DJs to the light and tech crew, down to the artists themselves. This time around, Jermaine decided that aside from a hand-picked local artist that would be a part of the opening act, there wouldn’t be any other artists performing aside from Dreamville members. Just as Reborn was his most personal album, he wanted this tour to feel just as personal and wanted it to feel almost like a family reunion. It actually would be, in a way—Jermaine definitely wasn’t the only person who had been working hard in the last couple of years, and everyone had material that they wanted to share on the massive scale. Everyone felt like this was the label’s year to shine, and they were working hard to make that to be true.

“Hey boss lady,” Beija turned around before she squealed loudly, walking over to Abbas before throwing her arms around him in a huge hug. “It’s been a while,” He laughed as he rocked her from side to side.

“You damn right it has! And you are so getting fought, dude—you weren’t gonna tell me you and my best friend got together?” Beija smacked his chest, and he laughed a bit as he rubbed the spot where she hit him.

“My bad, my bad. I know I probably should have said something but clearly, Lauren told you first,” He said.

“Of course she did. She’s been trying to get at you since me and J’s wedding. It was so obvious,” She said as the two began to walk together. “And you know Cody and Yana got together too? Like, you’re all growing up on me and I’m so over it,” She huffed.

“That ain’t shit compared to this nigga,” He gestured towards Damon, who was coming down the stairs from the ground floor above them. “This fucker eloped!”

“Huh?” Damon hit the last step before jumping down onto the ground, meeting Beija halfway in a hug. “Stop tellin’ my business, nigga,” He mumbled before he rubbed Beija’s head gently. “How’s my niece? I saw her on Instagram over at the local zoo,” He said.

“Niya is doing fine as usual. Spoiled as ever—I know Cody gonna lose his mind when he sees her. All she asks about is Uncle Cody,” Beija chuckled a bit. “But can we talk about what I just heard? You eloped?” She asked.

“Uhm...not entirely? I just got married and didn’t tell y’all,” Dame said softly before he rubbed the back of his neck.

“You and Sara are shitheads. That’s all that is,” Bas commented, and Beija’s face of confusion seemed to only deepen.

“So, all of you are just gonna fuck and marry my friends? This is foolish,” She laughed a bit.

“I know you not talking. All four of y’all got some kind of voodoo. That’s how Jermaine got stuck on you,” Bas joked.

“Mhm. Old ass still gets googly eyed over you,” Dame began to laugh.

“Y’all gonna leave my husband alone. All these years and y’all still ain’t shit,” She chuckled before she felt two hands cover her eyes.

“Guess who,” Cody’s voice made Beija laugh, and she turned to give him a hug. “And I see Thing 1 and Thing 2 are here as well. Fuck is up?” He dapped up the other men as he spoke.

“Updating Beija on shit. Apparently she didn’t know Dame got married,” Bas explained casually.

“Wait—what? Married to who? Sara?” Cody asked with a furrowed brow.

“See?! He a whole hoe. Got married and told nobody,” Beija complained.

“Look, it just kinda...happened. I had a show in Vegas and she had been riding with me while I did the gig. It started as a joke but then...bam. We were at the chapel then we got an actual license when I got back to Chicago,” Dame explained with a small laugh. “I didn’t think y’all would take it so hard.”

“Take what so hard?” Jermaine was the last to arrive to the makeshift ‘pow wow,’ running a hand over his head before he adjusted the sweats he had on.

“Baby, Dame got married,” Beija announced.

“Oh. Yeah, he did,” He said.

“Wait, how the fuck did you know before us?” Cody seemed to still be in shock, and the reactions seemed to only make Bas laugh obnoxiously.

“Y’all could have just went to Sara’s Instagram and see that. It was obvious what they were doing,” J shrugged a bit before chuckling. “Anyway—everyone good for tonight? Where’s everyone else?” He asked.

“Don’t know. I know I saw Lil’ J around here. Courtney just got here,” Beija explained as she looked through her phone. “Z and Whit are on the way,” She added.

“You know what’s insane about this? It’s been a while since we all been together like this. And I remember when all of us were all together. I remember when I met you, B,” Cody commented, sliding his hands into his pockets.

“I do too. You thought it’d be cute to prank me on my first day. I could have beat your ass, I was so mad,” Beija rolled her eyes as Dame and Bas let out a chuckle.

“I have a question. Just one,” Beija noticed Jermaine’s smile as he watched her. “Why exactly was I the last to meet you? All these years, I never really got a clear answer,” He said.

“Between getting school wrapped up and everything else, I didn’t have time,” Beija shrugged.

“But you made time to meet everyone else,” J’s playful argument seemed to be geared towards a certain goal, and it only made Beija huff playfully.

“You must still think I was ducking you,” She crossed her arms.

“You were,” Bas began to laugh. “And I can see why now. Y’all are something else together.”

“I refuse to have this conversation with any of you fuckers. I have work to do,” Beija laughed softly before she pulled out her phone. “Y’all are due for a check with the band in about 10 minutes. Then J, you need to meet up with me so we can see about this sound check for later,” She instructed.

“Got it boss lady. Don’t stress too much,” Cody patted the top of her head lightly, moving out of the way before Beija could smack him as she desired to. Before long, she and Jermaine were left in the area together.

“Tell the truth,” Jermaine broke the comfortable silence, and Beija softly groaned. “Tell the truth and I’ll drop it,” He said.

“Okay, fine. I was intentionally holding off meeting you,” Beija frowned as she glanced up at him. “Happy now?”

“No. It wasn’t for my happiness,” Jermaine stepped closer to her and he slid his hands in front of his body, standing up straight as he stared down at her. “Why, though? I wasn’t anyone to be avoiding,” He reasoned.

“You weren’t. But you know the saying; ‘never meet your heroes.’ I was afraid of meeting you because my heart would have been broken if you turned out to be some jerk. But the irony of it all was that you exceeded all expectation or hope I had for you, and that was scarier as we got to know one another,” Beija explained, and the silence in the hall was a bit eerie. Every so often, some workers would pass them with equipment as they took it towards the stage area. But even with all of the occasional noise, Beija never took her eyes off of Jermaine.

“If you knew what you know now—if you could have predicted and envisioned us, what we became—would you do it all again?” He asked.

Beija gave a slow nod, a bit surprised at her willingness to be so honest. “The only thing I could wish was that you weren’t married, so nobody would have had to deal with that shit. But if I could take this ride with you again, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

It was a rarity these days to not be able to read Jermaine’s eyes—over the years, Beija had become so in-tune with the man that she could just look at him and know what he was feeling to an extent. Even the things he wouldn’t tell her could be written in his expression, and when he looked into her eyes it no longer felt as if he was looking through her, but trying to speak to her in ways words couldn’t assist properly. But for the first time in a long time, she couldn’t read his expression and she felt vulnerable again. She once again felt like that young girl who had just started out with Dreamville, meeting the man she called her hero...the man that at the time, she didn’t think she’d love as strongly as she did in the moment.

She watched as he took a step forward, and he leaned down to peck her lips gently. Her eyes slowly closed as he slid his hand up her cheek, her face heating a bit when he kissed her cheek afterwards. She opened her eyes only when he pulled away, and she watched him walk down the hallway. She could see a pep in his walk, and with that she knew that he was more than satisfied with her answer. She could have easily asked him the same question, but from simple everyday actions, she knew what the answer would be now, and forever.

The stadium was filled with bodies; the first night of the tour would be in Minneapolis, and the camp would continue to travel through the Midwest for the first leg. After a two week break they’d hit the East Coast and part of the South before wrapping up with the rest of the South and the West Coast. Then there was the European and Asian legs, and that was a whole other monster to deal with. By that time, Beija would definitely be home with her kids by then. She did enjoy the thought of being at home once her son was born, but she was glad that she could get a chance to see Jermaine perform. She felt the energy from every person in the space and her excitement couldn’t be contained.

“Here we are,” Gina came through the door of the dressing room, with Janiya not too far behind. Beija held her arms out and the toddler came towards the couch before climbing into the woman’s lap. “She just used the restroom and we had dinner, so she should be all good,” Gina announced.

“Good, thanks Gi,” Beija looked down at the little girl who was already dressed in a child’s version of the tour t-shirt. “Did you have fun with Miss Gina?” She asked.

“Mhm,” Niya laid her head against Beija’s stomach, and B couldn’t help but to smile at the way Janiya watched Jermaine as he got himself ready in the mirror.

“Alright, I’m ready,” He yawned softly as he stood up straight, dusting off his black t-shirt. “How are we on time?” He asked.

“Bas should be finishing his set soon and then you can get ready to go up,” Beija said, and J nodded before he approached the two females.

“Come give daddy some love,” Niya all but bolted into her father’s arms, and he scooped her into his arms before rocking her side to side. “You gonna watch me, right?” He asked, smiling wide when the girl nodded excitedly. “You need anything before I go on, babe?” He glanced over at Beija, who shook her head.

“Just need my good luck kiss,” She chuckled, and she pressed her lips to his once he came within her space. “I love you. You’re gonna do amazing,” She assured.

“I love you too,” He let Janiya down on the ground before he headed out of the room.

Beija slowly got off the couch before she sighed, rubbing her lower back. “Lord,” She huffed before she grabbed Niya’s hand. “Come on, bud. Let’s go watch daddy.”

After getting protective ear muffs for Janiya, the girls were led throughout the backstage area to a place where they could see Jermaine properly. Beija took a seat in the chair that was provided for her, and Janiya sat on her lap before the girl began to rub her mother’s stomach as she always did. Beija watched closely as the workers rushed to get the stage set up as more audience members filled the seats of the arena. Before long the place was packed with individuals, and the lights shut off to signify that the headliner was about to hit the stage. The crowd roared with applause and cheers, and Beija pulled out her phone as she taped the crowd from her seat. She turned the phone towards Janiya, who clapped unknowingly.

The sounds of a tape whirring came from the speakers, and one of Jermaine’s visuals came across the screen—it was a ‘tape’ of him as a child, rapping along with an old Outkast song. Soon the visual cut short and the LED screen showed a bright white light. Jermaine’s silhouette stood alone on the stage, and the audience’s noise grew even louder.

“Daddy! Daddy!” Janiya screeched, and Beija smiled softly as she wrapped an arm around the girl’s waist. The very song that Jermaine was rapping to as a child happened to be the sample for ‘830,’ one of the songs from the latest album. Thus, it set the tone for the evening.

Jermaine went through a creative process of picking his set list—he allowed the fans to vote on songs they wanted to hear on tour, so it made the show feel even more endearing. As J cranked out hits from back in the day down to the present, Beija was taken on a wild ride down memory lane. She could remember every single place she was when she first heard the songs he performed, from her college days to the time she got to know Jermaine, all the way to the songs she watched him record to create his last two albums. Even the songs that had darker material that depicted her depression brought more of a sweet memory than sour. She had gone through so much to get to that moment and although she didn’t exactly look upon those memories fondly, she realized the blessings that came with those struggles.

The show ended off with ‘Love Yourz’ mashed up with one of her favorite songs off of Reborn—as he rapped along with the old Forest Hills Drive track, he had a saxophone player perform along with the band as they performed the instrumental to the Reborn track that depicted the day he and Beija had gotten married. Every so often Jermaine would change up some of the lyrics to match his current life status, and once the song was over, the band went back to playing the original instrumentation for Love Yourz.

“Yo, this has been an incredible night. Make some fuckin’ noise,” Jermaine hyped, and the crowd played into it as they screamed and applauded for him. “It’s crazy, man. I remember performing Love Yourz every night last tour, and it reminded me so much of my best friend. She told me to inhale that love and energy, and release the doubt and negativity. Little did I know that every time I performed the song I’d think of her,” Beija watched his smile, and she felt her heart skip a beat as she blinked away her tears. “We’ve come a long way, haven’t we? And it’s all because of you all. Thank you for everything y’all do. Since y’all have done so much for me I feel like I owe y’all what I’m about to announce,” Beija’s eyebrows raised in question; J never said anything about any special announcements, so she was caught off guard. “Get this shit on camera, for once I want the world to know this—after this tour, I’m taking a break to be with my family. How long it will be, I don’t know. I’ve been telling y’all to ‘love yourz,’ and now it’s time for me to love mine.”

Beija’s mouth flung open as she heard the crowd’s equally mixed reaction. While overall supportive, some seemed absolutely devastated and confused. As Jermaine took his final bow and headed off stage, her eyes stayed upon him as his mic pack was taken off his body. She watched as Janiya got out of her grip and went to greet her father. She slowly got up from her chair and she followed the two of them back towards his dressing room. Even with the word of praise and thanks towards her husband, she couldn’t keep her eyes off him as a flurry of questions filled her head. She couldn’t articulate any of them, so she chose silence for the moment being.

After Jermaine got a shower and changed into some regular clothes, the family headed towards the tour bus to head out towards the next city. They only got stopped a couple of times for pictures and congratulations on the new baby from fans, but they got to their bus without much trouble. Once the three got onto the tour bus, all was silent as Jermaine pulled Janiya off the ground and into her arms. “I’ll get her ready for bed,” He mumbled.

“Okay,” Beija took a seat on the couch as she watched him walk towards their back room where their bedroom was. “Goodnight, Janiya.”

“Night-night,” Janiya waved before she laid her head upon Jermaine’s shoulder. Soon, Beija was alone in the front of the bus as she felt the bus begin to move.

Beija took a deep breath as she pulled her phone from the pocket of her jeans, and she glanced over the numerous social media notifications she had—TMZ already had an article ready and out; J. Cole Announces Possible Retirement, it said. Complex, Bossip, and other gossip outlets followed suit, while fans who were at the show had clips of Jermaine’s speech on their Twitter accounts. Her own Twitter accounts were a mess, from questions to even accusations of her being the reason why he was retiring. She wasn’t sure how to react to it. Once again, J had blindsided her and she would have to deal with what was to emerge from it.

She had 30 minutes or so to marinate within the thought—Jermaine finally came from the back and sat down in the seat across from Beija. The two looked at one another and it seemed that Beija’s questions could be heard without her even saying anything. Even if so, she couldn’t help but ask:

“Jermaine, what were you thinking?”

J ran a hand over the top of his head, and shook his head as he looked down at his sneakers. Leaning down to unlace them, he slipped his feet out of them before he sat them down next to him. “I’m tired,” He said softly.

“You’re tired...? What’s wrong?” Beija furrowed her eyebrows, the confusion and concern laced within her voice.

“Nothing is wrong. For once...nothing’s wrong. I’m the happiest I’ve ever been,” Jermaine chuckled to himself, and Beija’s face softened as she noticed the glistening in his eyes. “And that’s why I’m going to retire. If I can find it in me to come back after some time, then so be it. I’ll come back, do another album. But right now, my focus gotta be with us. I’ve done all that I can do in this industry,” His tone seemed so final, and Beija couldn’t shake off the sadness that it brought upon her.

“Do you really think so? J...I know you feel like you have to pour everything into one thing or another, but there’s a different way we can go about this. I watched you tonight and I saw the happiness that radiated from you,” Beija could see some of the tears that rolled down her husband’s face, and it was killing her. She was convinced that this wasn’t what Jermaine truly wanted. “You can’t tell me there’s nothing else to do. There’s so much more for you to do. God didn’t give you what He gave you for you to stop right here,” Her tone seemed almost pleading. “I mean—fuck, you’re crying in front of me, J.”

“I would have cried whether I did this by choice or not, Beija. Because you may be right; I have a lot that I could do, but this is bigger than me. I want a normal life for real, Beija. I love music, and I love the way it makes me feel. This shit saved my life more times than I can count,” J wiped his face before he let out a sigh. “But I’ve accomplished what I wanted to. I came into this game wanting to be one of the greats—I did that. Even after success stopped being my goal, and my hopes became set on touching lives and relating to the people, I did that too. Now, I want to just focus on us. I already talked to Ib about it, and I’ll just sit back and produce for our artists among other things. But as far as rapping, there’s nothing else for me to really do. I’ve told my stories—now I want to live them out,” He managed to smile through his tearful revelation. “I want to be with you and my kids. I owe you guys that for sticking by me.”

Beija bit into her corner lip as she watched Jermaine stand up to his feet, taking a step towards her before he kneeled down in front of her. She felt her hands trembling when he took them, and she blinked away the tears hat threatened to come as he kissed her. “If you truly want to do this...then I’m with you,” She said, and he nodded before he kissed her knuckles. “I’m with you all the way.”

“Until the end?”

“Even after that.”

#j cole fanfic #j cole fanfiction #j. cole ff #j. cole fanfic #j. cole fanfiction

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geleenie · 7 years

Text

Log: A Journey of a Fangirl

05.17.17

Hello everyone.

I’m writing a post dedicated to seven boys who changed my point of view in every aspect. This might be tiring and I know no one has the patient to finish this but I just want to post and share this for everyone. I’m going to be really thankful if someone will read this.

Please look forward to it.

I’m listening to BTS’ “You Never Walk Alone” album while doing this.

I just want to tell you how much I’m amazed by the group BTS. I’m speaking formally, but I want all of you to know that I’m a very big fan of them – an A.R.M.Y. It’s really amazing how these boys started from the bottom and now they’re getting recognition that they deserve in every part of the world.

As an introduction, let me tell you a story on how I became a fan of them. I actually knew BTS because of my cousin who is a very big KPOP fan and she also introduced me to the KPOP world. At first, she was a fan of both EXO and BTS. While before I was a fan of One Direction, 5 Seconds of Summer, The 1975, and more western bands. I actually used to hate KPOP before (forgive me) because in our country KPOP is has the reputation of being jeje. But anyways, I gave it a try on 2013 I downloaded EXO’s songs – yes I became a fan of EXO first. Once, I even judged a BTS group photo of them wearing school uniforms and they’re like having this photoshoot in a classroom because it was the wallpaper of my cousin’s laptop and I have to use it she even told me ‘forgive me for my wallpaper’ as a joke. Then I had a hiatus with my curiosity.

I think on the start of 2015, I research about EXO and I really liked them – I even went to their concert in 2016. Then, I stalked my cousin and I saw on her bio and it says ‘kim taehyung’ so because of my curiosity I searched ‘kim taehyung’ on Google. A video compilation of Kim Taehyung showed up and the thumbnail of that video was him and Jimin’s “beach? bitch?” (if you know what I’m saying) and I also saw that he was part of the group BTS. I also searched him on Google images and the first thing that I said was “he’s not even handsome why does she like him” (but man, I was wrong) it contains a lot of fetus pictures of him and I think there was a photo of him where he is pouting. After that, I watched the video compilation on Youtube and I admit, I was entertained by him so I watched more videos of BTS. I don’t know what get into me but yeah 2015 was a year of me stanning KPOP. I used to be a loyal EXO-L but as days passed BTS is getting my attention and I didn’t realize that I focused more on them than EXO.

2016, one of my most regretful year because BTS went to our country for 2 times to have a concert and I wasn’t able to attend one. First one was the Epilogue and I really had no money that so I can’t attend the concert. But I can remember that I cried on the day that they came here and saw their airport previews (I came home from school and that’s what I’m going to see lmao). The next concert was the MBC Show Champion concert I think? That time I have the money for a Gen Ad ticket but I was in a real dilemma because I felt like it’s unfair if I just came for BTS and they’re just gonna perform a few songs and I don’t even know the other groups that are going to perform. So I didn’t come.

[~] Let me add something, during the ticket selling of BTS’ TRB concert in Manila it was the same ticket selling for the The 1975’s concert in Manila and I was there during the ticket selling because I will buy a ticket for the The 1975. Before I bought my ticket, there were two girls before me and they were jumping around because they got their tickets and I was wondering what ticket did they buy and I looked at the screen and it says “The Red Bullet tour” with a picture of seven boys in black and then I said to myself “ah it’s KPOP” because I remembered my cousin whaling about it. It’s just a funny story. After all of that – missing Epilogue and Show Champion – I told myself that the next time that BTS would visit our country I MUST ATTEND the concert no matter what.

Around the ber-months of 2016, my bestfriend (who I used to rant about me missing BTS concerts – became a fan of BTS due to reaction videos that she’s watching), and I was so happy about it! It was also that time that the management who manages KPOP in our country is giving us some hints about iponing (saving) and I was like “holy shit this is it, BTS are coming”. So I bought a coin bank and save some money – even the money that I got from Christmas goes straight through in my coin bank. 2017 around February (I think) came and they announced that BTS are having a concert in our country. I was so shook and I don’t even know how to ask permission to my parents since the last time that they give me a money for a concert was at One Direction’s concert which was like 2 years ago and they don’t also know that I’m a fan of BTS so I was in a real state of panic. My mind is like going to explode because I have some money but I want to be closer to BTS especially that I’m waiting for years to see them (I don’t want to be in the Gen Ad section sorry for being ungrateful to this one). Days past and they revealed the seat plan and I don’t really know what to do because my money is just enough for a Gen Ad section and two of my bestfriends are planning to buy an Upper Box A ticket. I know that my father can add more money to my savings, but I was too scared to ask! But a week before the ticket selling, I finally had the guts to ask my father about it because it’s getting really close!

Do you want to know how I asked for permission? Lol, I printed it out on a short bond paper and left it in his room before I go to school since he’s driving me to school he would see it after he drop me off. I was so anxious while I was at our school, my classmates and friends are even wishing me luck. When I got home, I don’t even know but my hands are trembling to see the paper but when I looked at it I screamed because I was so happy that he agreed to it! April 2, it was the day of our graduation and the same as the day of the ticket selling. The ticket selling is at 10 am and our graduation is at 4pm. Around 7am we arrived at the mall and we waited for hours and they finally opened the gates at 10:15AM I was really pissed because of the unfair opening of the gates. My dad told me to go home at 1pm even if I still don’t have a ticket and I was really anxious because it’s been hours at the counter and line is not moving a single inch. But around 12pm a miracle happened and me and my friends got our tickets so we rushed off to go home and had a successful graduation. I actually worked hard to be an annual honor so the concert ticket can be my reward after all of my hardworks since I never asked something from my parents even if I achieve something in school. May 7, 2017 – I finally saw them and it really changed my life.

BTS, an amazing group of seven boys, I know I wasn’t here during the start of the career but I’m very thankful that I knew them. But even as a fan of them for 2 years, you can really see their humble beginnings and their rich success today. You can really see how they worked hard to receive all of their achievements. You can feel their love for the fans to the point that they unite as not just as a fandom but as a family. What’s more important is the passion that I felt after seeing them live. I actually been in a lot of concerts but I never cried so hard before when I attended their concert. During ‘Not today’ I admit I cried a lot even if it’s just the start, but what amazed me is there were some songs that made me cry like my tears would just fall and I would not realize that I was crying especially on their solo songs. One thing that I felt during the concert was the DEDICATION. It’s just WOW! I just realized how fast the concert went by because they were both talking in English and our native language which is really amazing because it was clean and you can see the perseverance that they had to memorize those phrases and words. They didn’t need a translator the whole concert to communicate with us, isn’t that amazing? What I also liked is the unity of the ARMYs inside the arena especially in singing their songs, fanchants, and doing the fan projects. Their amazing talent to perform live also touched my soul.

Moving on (wow this is long), this part is where I’m going to tell you on how much I appreciate the members one by one.

Kim Namjoon

I just want to give applause to this guy. His performance (Reflection) is really heart-touching. How dedicated this guy can be? – from guiding his members, producing songs, his warm words, never forgetting to thank ARMYs, working hard to communicate to other by language, being a leader, and many more. I just can’t believe that someone like you truly exists. Always remember that we’re thankful for you uri, leader-nim! You also have the patience on everything. Your music works are actually a real masterpiece that cannot be destroyed especially that it shows your real passion in this industry. I also want to thank you for being the foundation of the group and without you I cannot imagine what BTS would be.

Kim Seokjin

I am truly thankful for this guy. His patient is really amazing especially when it comes to the maknae line like he always let them tease him even if he’s the eldest one. Thank you for bringing us jokes and for making us laugh through it (let’s be honest here his jokes are not really funny but what’s funny is the way that he’s delivering it), for taking care of six kids and being like their mother in the group, making sure that they eat well, for being also sweet to the fans (I will never forget the ‘mahal kita’ that he wrote on a paper to show us). I also want to praise you for your great visuals, your amazing vocals, and the most important is your willpower on dancing even if it is your weakest point you worked really hard to keep up with the other members despite of the group’s killer choreographies.

Jung Hoseok

A beautiful ray of sunshine. This one really got me during the concert. He was all smiley! Then one second he would turn into a sexy monster. His dancing and vocal skills are really amazing in person! You can really feel his happiness and when he’s there the surrounding’s actually turning into unicorns and sunflowers. As you can see, he’s really one of the most hardworking members in the group – from doing choreographies and teaching the members about the choreography. What I also like about you is you’re never afraid to show you emotions to the fans. He’s also very patient. I really wish for your happiness for a long time ♥ you’re always going to be our hope and angel!

Park Jimin

To our no. 1 mochi, we all know how much you’ve worked hard to take care of every member. You never let someone left out and there were times that you acted like the oldest brother because of your concern to everyone. I hope that you’ll have more confidence on yourself because honey you’re so talented! You never fail to show how grateful you are to every member and you never fail to be support each one of them. Your thoughtfulness melts our heart as well as your beautiful eye smile. Thank you also for showing your love for us, ARMYs!

Jeon jungkook

You really deserve the title of being the ‘golden maknae’ hands down! To the youngest in the group, I really have a lot to say to you. I know how much you care for your hyungs and you don’t want to be a burden on their shoulders. You show how strong you are so your hyungs won’t have to worry and I think it’s very thoughtful of you for the members. I also like your carefree personality. You always show how you worked hard on something. Day by day, you made us realize that you’re no longer the baby Kookie that we used to see but now you’ve grown up as a very manly man. But forever and always you’ll still be the baby in the group!

Min Yoongi

First of all, if Min Yoongi would have his own solo concert I would definitely attend it. If you ever see this guy perform infront of your own eyes, you will never doubt his experience in life and can truly feel every words coming from his mouth are coming from his heart. From being the guy who’s having difficulty to sell his mixtape to a guy who’s now producing songs for himself, the group, and also to other artists. Min Yoongi, you’re really an inspiration to everyone. We all know that you have a tsundere personality and it’s all fine because even if you don’t show it we know how much you love Bangtan and ARMYs. You’ve reached far and became an inspiration to us because you never once gave up to reach for your dreams.

Kim Taehyung

Get ready for this one. To my ultimate bias in the group, to the guy who made me curious and discover about BTS, can I just tell you how much I love you? No one has actually made me feel like this and it sounds really cheesy because you don’t even know me. I just want to tell you the things that I like about you. I like the way you smile, your deep voice, your funny attitude, your fanservice, how true you are to yourself and to the people around you, your seriousness at times, the way you treasure your family, there’s a lot more but I just want you to know that I love every single thing about you. You make my heart flutter by just seeing a photo of you. What more when I saw you live – I can’t believe how unreal you look but you’re just there infront of me even if you can’t see me from the crowd. I waited for a long time to see you and the moment finally came. I know it’s unfair but I really focused a lot on you during the concert because it might be the last chance that I’m going to see you (but I’m hoping not). After the concert and happenings, I really told myself that the next time that I’m going to see you I hope that I won’t be sections away from you but I’m hoping that the stage and the barricades would just be the barrier between us. I hope that the next time that I’m going to take a picture with you it would not be a standee anymore. Am I dreaming too much? But I don’t think it’s not bad to dream big if what you’re aiming for is your inspiration for a long time. I already told you that I love you but I’m pretty sure that you didn’t hear it because I’m just one of those people who told you that in the crowd. But it’s really nice to shout it out while you were infront of me. I hope that I can tell that to you in person even if you would just take it from me as a fan. I hope that I can thank you how much you’ve changed my life in a better way. Thank you for introducing me to BTS. I love you. I wish for your endless happiness, healthy life and a bright future for you and the boys.

All in all, thank you BANGTAN SONYEONDAN for touching our hearts with your hardworks. It’s definitely worth it to be destined as your fan because you never disappoint us. You deserve the recognition that you’re getting from your music, your bond as a group, focus and courage. I also want to thank the roots of this group, BANG PD-nim and of course to the staffs who are always taking care of boy – to Big Hit Entertainment. I wish for your long-time success. Now back to the boys, please don’t stop on giving your best and please live happily because that’s what we really want for you. Don’t also forget to be healthy at all times! Please don’t listen to the people who are hating on you and questioning your success because they don’t even know what you guys went through to achieve what you are now.

Lastly, in my journey as a fangirl I want to give a shoutout to my supportive bestfriends – 7H. To my childhood bestfriend, Ysa. To Zoe, because she’s also my main fam. Of course, to Happee Sy who managed BTS’ concert in our country. I’m really thankful for her because she made it possible for us to see BTS and even gave us hints about it so we can save some money beforehand. To my ever supporting parents you da best!!

All in all, BTS and to the people who I encountered through this journey, I salute you!

Yours truly,

Geleen

#bts #bangtan #bangtan boys #kim seokjin #min yoongi #kim namjoon #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #rap monster #j-hope #suga #jin #fangirl #kpop

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