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ruminate88 · 7 months

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Symptoms After Narcissistic Abuse ?

My last relationship with a narcissist, Andrew, ended March 2015, although I continued to have contact with him afterwards for that whole summer at least until August. Then I had to face Andrew one more time in January 2016, but he wasn’t the only narcissist I ever dealt with I dealt with two others(that I’m aware of), Cody and Jake.

I got married in 2017 to a really nice guy but I was still pretty keyed up from narcissistic abuse. I don’t think I truly ever relaxed and I know that I consistently worried about if my husband was going to cheat or going to lie to me or suddenly tell me he pretended all of his feelings just like my ex, Andrew, said he did. I kept waiting for my husband to drop a bomb on me and it has yet to happen, but I’ve continually searched for it…

2020 we all know Covid happened and it was very crazy and extreme. I think everybody was on edge wondering what’s going to happen next!! will there be enough food, was everybody going to get sick and die, was the sickness even real, what about the vaccine, was people going to lose their jobs, was the world going to end…? In the fall of 2020 began all of my stomach issues: I had burning in my esophagus so bad I could not eat for weeks and I randomly lost 25 pounds!!! 😳Mind you though, there was times when I dated Andrew that I actually had no appetite and forgot to eat, because there was so much drama, stress, confusion, fear and heartbreak with him, but I never lost any weight then… I was 127 when I was with Andrew but I continued to carry a lot of weight and I actually gained weight after I got married!! I was up to 133 pounds! But at the end of 2020, I was now down to 110 pounds.

in 2020, I never knew what narcissism was but I knew that I would consistently think about Andrew and I could never stop and I felt as if I was cheating on my husband even though I wasn’t! I had no contact with Andrew whatsoever. I just could not stop thinking about him 24/7 . I never knew about trauma bond. I had no idea why I was still obsessed with Andrew and I hated it so much because I knew what he had put me through and how bad of a guy he was and there was no way I should be able to miss him! that made me feel really stupid, like, why would I miss a guy that treats me so poorly? I also believe in 2020 all that happened in our world made a lot of people think about how their lives could change in a moment and you wonder how people are doing. I did wonder if all of my exes were OK how they were surviving, did they lose their jobs ? Did they get sick? Did they get the shot? So many things running in my mind because I’m just a person that always cares about other people and that will never change for me. I did try to Google Cody to see if he was alive because I had a bad feeling but when I googled him, he looks fine to me. Doesn’t seem to be anything wrong with him and I wonder did he get sick during Covid or did he get the shot? What is he doing with his life? There’s not a whole lot of information online like their use to be. He stopped updating a lot of his social media accounts! (Probably made all new ones cuz he does that) He doesn’t have any social media that I could find but I did find his new address and his new phone number, it was all I could do to keep myself from writing him a letter since he ghosted me, but I knew that would be a horrible idea that if he can ghost me, that means he does not care about me whatsoever and sending him a letter would probably not change or affect him at all It’s better that I just let him go even though he has no idea how I never got closure, and I suffered so many years with that it was like a heavy burden on my heart because of him!

when you read online about the aftermath of narcissistic abuse, you learn about trauma bond, cognitive dissonance and it says that you can have memory loss, headaches, stomach issues, which I did have stomach issues but not until 2020 my last relationship ended in 2015! My question has been was the stomach issues from stress of Covid or narcissistic abuse? Was it something else that I had going on inside of me or was it the aftermath from all the narcissist abuse, dealing with three different narcissist??? The problem is even though I’ve stopped losing weight and I’ve been able to eat, I still get a lot of indigestion and heartburn issues. Now I had a grandmother, whom, when she was alive also had a weak stomach but I don’t know if she ever truly went through what I’ve went through. Whenever the stomach issue started in 2020, I tried to call the doctor and get help but unfortunately it was during Covid and that was all that the doctors could focus on at that time!! they could not help me with anything else unless it was Covid related but they made me an appointment to see them. it was all about Covid though and I had a very uncomfortable feeling about it, and I backed out of the appointment because I simply did not trust the doctor at that time! I believed they were only going to test me for Covid and they were going to probably say I had Covid and try to convince me to get the shot and I just did not feel right about it. I had a very bad feeling. That means I had to fix myself. I had to find something over the counter to take just to stop the burning in my esophagus, and then I had to move on and questioned what’s wrong with me? How did it start but now that I know all about narcissistic abuse, and the symptoms that narcissistic abuse can cause, I realize that I’ve had just about every one of the symptoms, including: I was depressed and suicidal the whole time I dealt with the narcissistic men. 🥺🥺🥺

if you or someone you know is or has dealt with narcissistic abuse, let them know that it’s OK and that it’s not permanent and that they will get through it and they will be all right. The memory loss I never had!! (thank God) I’ve always had an excellent memory, but there is a lot of fog surrounding narcissist, and they are very confusing people... They confuse you all the time!! It’s a real thing and they keep you distracted too! When I was dating Andrew, I was so distracted that I couldn’t focus on ANYTHING except him the WHOLE TIME and there’s still times I find myself distracted, thinking of him, and it tries to stop me from getting anything accomplished in my daily routines and I have to remind myself that that’s in the past!! I’m in a new reality now and I want to be in my present time!! I don’t want to be trapped in the past, but it is very easy to be stuck in the past. 😰 It is a real thing and you need to recognize it and you need to work on it. You’re working on yourself every day, learning and growing. Don’t stop growing and don’t stop moving forward!

I was diagnosed in elementary school with a learning disability and with slight add which is now titled as “adhd” but your ability to “focus” when dating a narcissist, is way worse!! I struggled to be in “reality” more than usual and even my mom saw how much I changed at that time. Andrew just had me so obsessed with him and I’ve struggled to break that.

tell me what you think about all this below……

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eazy-group · 7 months

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Melissa lost 23 pounds

New Post has been published on https://eazydiet.net/melissa-lost-23-pounds/

Melissa lost 23 pounds

Transformation of the Day: Melissa lost 23 pounds. Her turning point came when she discovered that high blood sugar and inflammation were impacting her health. She reached out to an online weight loss coach who listened to her needs and gave her the guidance to succeed.

Social Media: Facebook: Melissa Spann TikTok: @mspann11

What was your motivation? What inspired you to keep going, even when you wanted to give up? Unfortunately, my motivation was my lipid panel results. I scheduled an appointment with my PCP because I was feeling lethargic and did not want to do much. I am happy in my life and treated well, so I could not understand why I felt that way.

To my surprise, my blood sugar levels were high, and my body was super inflamed. I knew taking pills or having to inject myself was not an option I wanted, so I asked the doctor for an alternative method. I got my blood sugar levels down with exercise but could not control the inflammation. I was determined to get the inflammation down because my body was in pain daily.

What inspired me to keep going is the support of my husband and continuously looking in the mirror. YouTube motivational speeches were also inspiring. Here is a link to one.

How did you change your eating habits? My food weakness is rice, and I knew I had to change how much I ate daily. I ate smaller portions. I found a certified nutritionist, Terry Starks, and followed his nutritional plan. I liked his plan because it was simple: I did not have to starve myself. Also, it included foods most people include in their daily diet.

What is your workout routine? My workout routine is Cardio (circuit training, elliptical, treadmill, or walking outdoors) every day – mostly in the morning or at lunchtime (30 minutes). I alternate with weight training 2-3 days/week.

How often did you work out? 6-7 days/week

What was your starting weight? What is your current weight? My starting weight was 198 pounds, and I currently weigh 175 pounds.

What is your height? I am 5’3 “.

When did you start your journey? How long did your transformation take? I started my journey some years ago after going through therapy for Achilles rupture. I was off and on since the pandemic in 2020 but got more focused in February 2023. I started meeting with a personal trainer and still was not losing weight, just gaining muscle. I knew the problem had to be what I was eating.

I tried Weight Watchers and several apps that targeted macronutrients and managing my carbs and the keto diet. Guess what? They did not work for me because I am horrible at tracking what I eat. So, I started surfing Facebook again on Blackwomenlosingweight. I read someone’s story, and they mentioned Terry Starks. I reached out because I had nothing to lose except losing weight, lol. I called, and he responded.

It was not until I found a certified nutritionist that I started to drop weight. I started my nutrition plan on July 4th. By following his plan and guidance, I dropped 23 lbs in 35 days, just like that. I was amazed at how my stomach went down. Many have told me that I would not lose my belly fat because of my C-section and that surgery would be my only option to get rid of the excess fat. Well, from my photos, you can see it is possible to lose your belly fat through nutrition and exercise.

It was a big decision to begin this lifestyle change to eat better on the weekend of July 4th. I thought to myself that I am always going to have a reason why I couldn’t begin a plan to eat healthier. My reasons were: I have to travel next weekend, or I have a wedding or birthday party or some athletic event to attend. It was always something. Personally, I felt that I was working too hard not to see the results, so I made the commitment to eat healthier.

Is weight loss surgery part of your journey? Weight loss surgery is not part of my journey.

What is the biggest lesson you’ve learned so far? I have learned that nutrition, exercise, consistency, and discipline are key. Also, prepping your meals makes a huge difference. It prevents you from always eating out, which I did a lot before changing my eating habits. Because my schedule is busy, I love food, love to eat, and feel like my mouth must move all the time, I used to have an excuse for why meal prepping would not work for me. Anything is possible if you believe you can.

What advice do you have for women who want to lose weight? Trust your gut and try what you think may work because you have nothing to lose. Whatever fitness journey you are on, go 110%. You know yourself better than anyone else, so find the resources that work for you.

I was an athlete since Middle school through college, and I let myself go after “life” happened (marriage, children, career, family, etc.). What I realized is that during my years as an athlete, I had a coach in my corner, and the workouts I did were intense. Before, I was doing stuff on my own and researching online different exercises to help with weight loss, but I realized I needed someone to tell me what to do and be there with me face-to-face.

Also, I know that logging my meals was not sustainable. I love to eat, and I do not like cutting out the food groups. So I knew I needed someone who understood how and what I ate and the historical background behind foods eaten in my culture. So, I looked for that.

What I am saying is do not ignore what you know about yourself. If you are on a plan and you feel you’ve messed up, it’s ok. You are human, so just pick yourself up and move on. Continue where you left off. If you want success, then go get it! If you want to be better, then be better!

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momi1816 · 1 year

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pt.12:

after being discharged, no seizure meds. a month after we left. one night I had been doing laundry and it appeared she was just starring at me. thought nothing of it till the morning she was repeatedly doing a knocking motion with her hands. and we went to the ER. and I was judged immediately. 19 looking like I was easily 16 with a newborn. having what I called 'galaxy hair' and not knowing my daughter was having seizures. they called a social worker that was for DHS. Of course doing their job, but quick to judge without knowing everything. the questions were asked we were then transferred to the children's hospital for better evaluations to be safe. long story short we were sent home with meds this time.

a home visit was scheduled, and I kid you not the same woman from the hospital showed up at my mothers house wear a loose shirt, no bra, and fuzzy PJ pants with Cookie Monster on them and she was there to judge me.

since her exciting beginning.. its been a battle from the start changing her team often. new pediatrician. currently on number 3 neurologist. the neurologist from the hospital was very grandfathered ways and was not willing to try things that would work for example CBD. the next neurologist, she was general neurology and she felt that my daughter needed someone specialized in epilepsy. so far so good. she has an orthopedic doctor, therapists within the school (PT,OT and speech) and outpatient she has PT who is the same therapist since in the hospital days.she has a doctor that gives her botox also. quite the team indeed.

over the years its been a rollercoaster of trying meds, different formulas, test, therapies. its a lot but its very rewarding. the only big downfall other than her having CP and seizures is that if she has a surgery , gets sick, medicine change, or medicine level changes it hits a reset button and the progress she made is gone.

but she's still kicking ass and taking names. not on oxygen and like any 6 year old girl full of Attitude with a capital A.

at 7 months old she was given the okay to go to daycare and at that point I took full of advantage and went to school to do hair to give us a better life. unfortunately where I live is not a state where I can stay home with her and be her 24/7 caregiver.

since having her the abuse with my mom increased. my mom decided to go harder on my image. she would tell me Im a bad mom for my weight. her and my step dad would write FAT on anything I brought home to get me to stop "thinking it would help me".my mom would ask who would take care of my daughter when I had to get limbs cut off because of my weight and it continuing. being in hair school I gained a bit of a back bone to stand up to her. over the years no one believed me in how my mother would treat me until they saw the texts. until they heard the phone calls themselves. so when It came to graduation, I saved up and got at apartment as quick as I possibly could and things subsided a little until 3 years ago..

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make-me-imagine · 3 years

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Grief

Sensory Prompts: ‘Hollow feeling in your chest when you feel sad’ + ‘Fingertips brushing hair from your face’

Requested by: Anon (2 years ago; BIG YIKES lol)

Pairing: Spock x reader

Gender: Neutral Words: 1,557

Triggers: Angst. Mentions of fighting, and fake character death.

Star Trek Taglist: @starfleetimagines

Sensory Prompts From here (written by me)

Note: I haven’t written angst in a while, so I hope this came out good.

As the water from the shower washed over you, you tried to relax, letting the warm water relax your body, the water stung as it ran over your cuts, but you didn’t care. Your eyes closed, but flashes of what happened on the planet kept bugging you.

Bringing your hands to your face you breathed out, trying to stop the memories from rushing taking over. Staring down at the drain, you see the dirt, grime and dried blood wash away, but the pain and guilt didn’t, as much as you wanted it to.

Stepping out of the shower, your chest seemed hollow, the empty weight of sadness filing you body, shoulders heavy, body sore. Your movements slow as you got dressed, and made your way to your bed, sitting down on the floor, back pressed against your bed as you stared at the walls around you. Finally letting the memories of what passed that day flood back.

*Flashbacks*

“This planet is amazing” you wondered out-loud, the rest of your away team gazing at the surroundings “Lets get some samples of these herbs, Dr. McCoy said they might prove useful”

“I wouldn’t mind living here” your friend Zamara said as they stood next to you, meeting your eyes as you shared a smile.

It seemed like such a peaceful planet; there were no signs of any life except small land creatures. The planet was covered in foliage and minerals. The mission was supposed to be simple, collect and study. Nothing was supposed to go wrong.

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“Y/n come in” Zamara’s voice was patchy, interference making it hard to understand them.

“What’s up?”

“I’m finding un..al readings coming from a cave to the south of yo- ..osition; I think it might be- rare ore interf-ng with the equ-ent, permission to inv-igate”

A strong feeling in the gut told you it wasn’t that, don’t let them go in alone “Wait for me, I’ll be there in a few minutes”

“Alright”

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“Leit- t- we’r under-...-mara....hurt-....help-”

You could hear distress in the ensigns voice as they tried to contact you. The sound of phaser fire coming through the coms, as well as from their location. Running to meet them, you rounded the corner, when you did you weren’t prepared for what you would see.

Two members of your away team were crouched behind a large rock, including the ensign who tried to talk to you.Your eyes landing on Zamara, on the ground, injured, but hopefully alive.

Next your gaze moved to the hostile aliens in the entrance to the cave, firing advanced weapons at your team.

You yelled at them, gaining their attention “Stand down! You are attacking a starfleet team, stand down!’

The aliens responded with more weapons fire at you. Tapping your com’s you called out “Away team to Enterprise, I repeat away team to enterprise!”

“This is Captain Kirk to away team, what’s going on down their y/n?”

“We are under attack Captain! Hostile aliens were in a cave that could not be scanned, one officer down, requesting back-up!”

“We’re coming Y/n, hold tight!”

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More weapons fire, yelling, an explosion. How did these aliens get such powerful weapons, and why are they here, why are they attacking?

Your train of thought was distracted as you were knocked to the ground from another blast the the cliff-side. Taking the chance as the aliens retreated a little further into the cave, re-charging their weapons. You ran to Zamara’s side, quickly grabbing them and dragging them behind a large boulder.

Checking their pulse you contacted starfleet again “Where’s my backup!?”

“We’re almost there Y/n, hold on” the voice was that of Spock’s, he was coming too. He was almost here, just hang on.

Your gaze landed on a nearby ensign, clearly dead. Your heart clenched as you felt a wave of grief and guilt. They were here because of you.

Peaking over the rock, you fired more at the aliens as they tried to advance.

“Y/n” the voice was quiet, staggered.

Looking down you see Zamara gaining consciousness as they stared up at you. “Hey, good you’re awake, just hold on”

“It was so sudden. They came..out of the cave....all at once-”

“Shh, shh, it’s okay, you can tell me later, just hold on, ach!”

You crouched down as a blast hit the stone in front of you, sending sharp stones blasting through the air. You grunted, anger and fear rising in your chest.

Hearing the explosive weapon charging again, you felt fear grip you. Grabbing a hold of your friends shoulder, you pulled them back before shielding them with your body.

The explosion was quick and loud, sending both you and your friend tumbling. As the debris from the stone fell down on top of you. You grunted as you struggled to see around you. Looking down at your friend you turned them over “Hey, Zamara are you-”

Your breath hitched in your throat as you saw them. Eyes open, but no life left in them. You checked their pulse, only to find nothing. Your heart seemed to crumble in your chest as your friends non-gazing eyes met your own.

Hearing something behind you, you look up, seeing a weapon pointed directly into your face. The aggressive stare of one of the aliens peering into your eyes.

Just as you thought you were about to die, the alien was shot down, your gaze landing on Spock running towards you, the Captain himself and other officers behind him, firing and protecting the rest of your team.

Spock kneeling down next to you, checked the pulse of your friend. Feeling nothing, and realizing they were dead, his eyes met your own, seeing the repressing grief deep in you eyes.

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The scanner was being waved over your body by Dr McCoy as Spock and Captain Kirk watched from nearby. Another medical officer patching the cuts you had acquired during the attack. The rest of your team being treated by others. Your away team consisted originally of 7, now consisted of 4.

You had experienced death before. Seen innocent starfleet officer’s lives taken. But this was the first time you knew them, this was the first time it was your team. This was the first time you lost a friend. A very good friend.

This was the first time you tried to save a friend, and failed.

*Now*

A tear rolled down your cheek as you came back to the present, your eyes burning from the sadness that was finally taking over. Memories of Zamara’s death plaguing you.

You almost didn’t hear the signal at your door, the persistent knocking, not until you heard a familiar muffled voice from the other side.

“Y/n, are you in there?” You could hear the concern in Spock’s voice. An emotion he only ever shows for a few.

You didn’t rise from the floor, but instead called out “Come in”, unsure if he really heard you.

The doors sliding open almost immediately told you he did. As he stepped inside, the door sliding closed behind him. His gaze roamed over the room before landing on your form on the floor.

Hair still wet, eyes red, tear presently rolling down your cheek. A deep feeling of regret and pain moved through Spock’s body as he slowly approached you. You looked so fragile, and tired.

Kneeling down in front of you, he met your eyes for a long moment before his hand slowly rose, as he brushed aside a piece of hair from your face, his fingertips gently gliding across your skin before he tucked the hair behind your ear.

Next, he brought his hand to your face, gently wiping way the tears still present on your face. His voice came out quietly, gentle “I’m sorry. I...know, you must be hurting, and grieving for Zamara, but. I need to make sure you know that this wasn’t your fault.” his eyes stared deeply and softly into your own “There was no way for you or your team to know of the aliens presence. No matter what guilt you might be feeling, it is false. This was not your fault, and no one involved believes it to be.”

Another tear fell down your cheek, immediately stopped by Spock’s hand as he wiped it away. He wished he could take the pain away, teach you to push it down until it fades, but he knew you were too...human, to do that. He knew that you needed to grieve, and he insisted he be there to help you through it.

Though it took him a while after the two of you entered into a relationship, to admit he loved you. He really did. And he would be there for you through whatever happens, just as you were there for him.

He felt a pang of relief as you moved forward, wrapping your arms around him as you pulled him closer. Spock wrapped his arms around you as well as he now sat fully on the floor, pulling you closer as he let you cling to him. He was relieved when you started to cry, relieved that you trusted him enough to show him this part of you.

And you felt the weight of grief and guilt lift, not all the way, but slowly beginning to fade as Spock wrapped his arms around you and continued to quietly comfort you. Reminding you again and again that it wasn’t your fault, and that he was there, and he wouldn’t leave you alone, ever.

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Hope you guys liked it, not sure if it was super angsty, but I tried lol.

If you’d like to be added to a taglist for any character or fandom let me know.

Also, please consider reblogging, as that is one of the best ways to help share creators work past their followers!~ Comments and likes are appreciated as well :) <3

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thekurrentkajol · 3 years

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16.08.2021

Today, I restart my fitness journey after a three week sabbatical.

Working out or being active in any form has been very difficult for me for the longest time. I have been a huge foodie and a lazy bum in terms of physical activity for as long as I can remember. When I was young, I used to find no merit in needlessly tiring oneself out through activities that would cause short term body pain. Just didn't seem worth it 🤷🏾‍♀️

I have had irregular periods since I first got them. By the time I reached 16, I was told by a gynaecologist to start the meprate tablet to regularise my period but God how I wish I knew its side effects. Meprate is a form of birth control pill with side effects including hormonal imbalance, weight gain and depression/anxiety. I took the pill regularly for almost two years and gained weight rapidly. I was living in a residential school at this point which made it even more difficult to really track what was happening with my body. I didn't realize how much weight I had put on until I got back home but Uni started soon therefore pushing those thoughts to the back of my head again.

But about two months ago, things changed.

In a family of four, I weighed the second highest. I knew I was a little on the obese side which is why I was always scared to stand on the weighing scales until one random Tuesday, I decided to go stand on it and received a rude shock. After doing some quick BMI calculations, I knew it was time to do something because God I wanted to look and feel good. Plus, there was a new boy in the picture 😅🤦🏾‍♀️

Pretty much on the same day, I saw an Instagram ad for a new workout app, Power which had Bollywood celebrities pre-recording their workouts and making them suitable for both home and gym spaces. Each celebrity's workout has a different ultimate goal and you can choose which one you'd like to follow based on your goals. Of course, I had to choose one with the aim being weight loss but me being me, chose the most intense of them all to follow. Let me remind you, this woman has done no physical activity as such in the last 4/5 years at that point so you can only imagine what happened to her when she got to it.

For the next one and a half week, I was covered in kinesiology tapes and had a hot pack on my thighs 12 hours a day; it was rough. I could almost do no other work because even getting off the sofa was extremely painful.

But slowly, I could feel a change coming into my body, I felt more active and fresh than I ever had in the last three years. I was determined to not stop because not only was I feeling better in terms of activeness, I was also feeling much more sorted out and "cooler" because I had now become a person who works out regularly.

After about four weeks of working out, I got into the weighing scale and like an idiot expected a miracle but of course there was none. There was slight change in my weight sure but I was so badly hoping for a bigger one that I just couldn't appreciate what had already happened.

I slowly started to lose motivation and stopped enjoying my workouts. It became a task I wanted to avoid so bad that I almost faked an injury. My mom was my workout buddy and she'd lost her will too due to some other stressing factors which made me even more reluctant to work out.

Things changed again when I took a mini one week vacation and flew back home yesterday. I had this renewed sense of energy and determination to start working out again and feel better about my body and myself for me, not the boy (things with the boy are so not going well), not the world but ME. I am not going to feel guilty and judge myself harshly for not continuing what I started but treat that as a break I needed to restart my journey with more vigour.

I'm writing this post to note down what are the key things that I as an individual should remember, so here we go-

1. You tend to lose interest by week 3 so have something planned to excite you again

2. New equipment or active wear generally works as a great reward because you feel the need to make the most out of it cos of the amount you spent on it

3. Music may not always be required

4. Working out is honestly more about your mental determination than your physical capacities

5. Do NOT watch other people's fitness vlogs/journeys/transformations because they are not helping you. They only make you compare so STOP. Just keep doing what you're doing.

6. Don't check your weight every two days, can be super demotivational

7. Keep your body active cos metabolism is not just going to increase with one workout

8. Keep a track cos keeping a track is really making you more conscious

#workout #exercise #exercising #fitness #self journey #interval training #foodie #sabbatical #pcod #pcodweightloss #pcod problem #pcod treatment #weight log #weight loss #power #lazy #motivation #workout motivation #reward system

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readingonpluto · 3 years

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16 Days of Nessian - Day 1/16

2 + 5 = 7 ~ Nessian Modern AU

*If you have any ideas for fanfiction or headcanons, leave them below!*

Word count: 2242

There they are.

I clutch the envelope in my hands, heart racing in my chest. I knew… I already knew, and yet somehow getting it confirmed makes it that much scarier. The doctor gave me a blurry photograph of our child, slipping it in an envelope to keep it safe so I could show Cass.

I have to show Cass. He’s going to be excited, and yet I’m scared of how he will react. He has always wanted children, sometimes telling me about dreams he has had about our family. The moment is now here… A source of his joy, and yet… And yet I’m terrified.

I unlock the door to our home, the house seeming quieter than usual.

Cassian pops his head out of the doorway to the kitchen, a smile immediately playing over his face. He comes over to me, planting a kiss on my forehead, and then my mouth, holding me close.

“You’re late.” His breath dances over my mouth, just before he kisses me again.

“I had a doctor’s appointment,” I say, hugging him tightly, hoping that if I hold him long enough he will just know.

Of course, that isn’t the case. He pushes me away just a little bit, arms still gripping my waist, but now concern lights his eyes as they search all over me.

“You didn’t tell me that.”

“I wasn’t sure if it would be worth mentioning…” I hold the envelope to my chest, heart pounding in my ears.

“But it is…” I nod. “Is something wrong?”

“No… No. Nothing is wrong.”

“Then--”

“Can we sit? Please.” He nods once, leading me over to our small table. I let him sit down in front of me, before taking my seat.

“I’m going to need you not to be angry if you’re angry at all.”

He tilts his head slightly. “Do you think I’m going to be angry?”

“I don’t think so.”

He stays silent, letting me take a few breaths before continuing.

“I’ve noticed that I’ve gained some weight,” I start, weighing the options in my head. “And then I noticed I have missed two of my cycles.” His eyes flash, his gaze firmly on mine. “So I went in today to get an ultrasound. I did a few pregnancy tests beforehand, but I just wanted to make sure…”

Cassian’s leg is bouncing and I can see he is trying to fight back a smile. He is truly trying his best to let me talk before saying anything.

“I’m going to tell you, before I show you this,” I hold up the envelope. “That all three pregnancy tests I did were positive.” I hand him the envelope.

He is brimming with joy as he gently opens it, pulling out the small blurry photo.

“Is this…” He trails off, eyes fixed on the image, tears building up in his eyes.

“We can’t know the gender until about four months in. But the doctor said that they’re healthy and everything is going fine.” I keep my gaze on him. I don’t think he is breathing. “I have another appointment in a month. I have the date so you can book it off work--”

Finally, he stands, making his way over to me before falling to his knees in front of me.

“There is a baby inside of you. My child.”

I nod, not sure what to say. His eyes are so bright, his tears so joyous that I don’t want to break the moment. Why did I ever think he was going to be angry? He pulls me forward just a bit, nuzzling his face into my stomach.

“I’m going to be a dad.”

My fingers find his hair, lovingly playing with the ends. “You are.”

The next time, the house is much louder as I step into it. I can hear Fin giggling and Cass telling him a story of a time he, Azriel, and Rhysand all got food poisoning. I have no clue why Fin finds it so funny, but it is one of his favourites. His second is the time Cass met me for the first time. That’s one of my favourites too.

I step into the living room, watching my two boys smile, pure joy radiating off of them. Finlay is the first to see me, pointing his chubby finger at me and reaching upwards. I immediately sweep into the room, picking him up and kissing him all over, causing another wave of giggles to erupt.

I shift him to one arm, reaching for Cass with the other. Just as swiftly, he kisses my cheek, hugging me close.

“Hello,” I say.

“Hi, Sweetheart.” His eyes flick to the clock. “You’re a bit late.”

“I was picking up a few things.” Fin wiggles in my arms, a clear message to put him down. He half crawls, half walks over to his toys, already bored with our conversation.

“Oh?”

“Oh.” I reach into my bag, pulling out a small envelope. Cassian’s eyes snap to mine before he takes it gently.

“Should I be scared?”

“Nope,” I smile. “Maybe. Just open it.”

He grins, slowly--just to annoy me--pulling out the photo. Immediately, his eyebrows furrow. I knew he would be able to tell it was different this time.

I step up next to him, gesturing at the photo. “That’s baby A, and that is baby B.”

His eyes find mine, making sure I’m serious, before sweeping me up into his arms. He kisses me hard, grinning from ear to ear. We had been trying to have another kid for about a year, and I knew he wasn’t expecting this.

“Twins?” I nod, smiling hard. “Are they okay? Nothing is wrong?”

“Nothing yet. They’re healthy so far, we just need to keep an eye on them.”

“Of course,” He kisses me again, setting me down only to pick up Fin and kiss him just as much. Our son had come over to see what the fuss was all about.

“You’re going to be a big brother,” Cass tells him, showing him the photo. “You’re going to have two siblings to look after.”

Fin points at the photograph, smiling at his father. “Wittle brother.”

I swear it gets louder and louder every time I walk into this house. From the sounds of things, Cassian made the kids some food, and Fin is babbling about what he did at school to the twins.

I slip into the kitchen where Cass is finishing up their meal--animal crackers for a treat. I wrap my arms around his waist, pushing my face into his back.

“Hello, Sweetheart,” He says, placing a hand over my own. “How did it go?”

“You’ll be happy.”

“Yeah?” He smiles, and turns to me. “Do I get an envelope again?”

Laughing lightly, I hand him the folded paper containing our fourth between its pages. “You do.”

He takes out the photo, smiling at the image. “Quinn will be wanting a little sister. At two she knows exactly what she wants.”

“And Caspian will want a little brother, just to spite his twin.”

Cass grins. “They’re going to be way too powerful when they’re older. I almost feel bad for their teacher.”

He hands the photo back to me. “What do you want?”

“I’m just excited for a fourth.” He kisses the top of my head, animal cracker in hand. “I’ll be happy with anything.”

“Same.” I trail after my husband into the loud dinner room. Quinn is flipping through one of Fin’s work books, as her older brother eats his sandwich. Caspian on the other hand is frowning at his food.

I slip into the seat next to our youngest. “What's wrong?”

“No like crust,” He mumbles out.

“You like the crust.” He shakes his head. “Just try it.” Again, he shakes his head. I look to Cass, and he shrugs, setting down the crackers.

“Baby, you need to eat it.” He says.

Caspian crosses his arms, looking more cute than mad. “Why?”

“No animal crackers otherwise.” He shakes the bowl for emphasis.

Caspian frowns, looking at his sandwich again.

“I’ll eat crackers if he no want them,” Quinn says, looking up from the workbook. Caspian immediately starts eating his sandwich.

I smile at Cass, standing to slip up to his side. “That's one way to do it.” “What’s the photo mummy?” Fin asks, pointing at the ultrasound in my hand.

“Another surprise.”

Finlay’s eyes light up, and he changes his pointing to the twins. “Another one?” I nod, laying the photo in front of them. I point to the little dot so Quinn and Caspian know what we’re talking about.

“That there is either a little boy or a little girl. Right now they’re in mummy’s belly, but soon they will be there to meet you.”

“When?” Quinn asks.

“Seven to eight months.”

“Oh…” Quinn points to my stomach. “Can I feel?”

With animal crackers forgotten, Fin tells the twins all about how he became an older brother, and the wait, with each of them taking turns feeling their new sibling even if there is hardly anything there yet.

“I’m happy they’re excited.” Cass whispers to me as I close the door to the twins’ room.

“Me too.” I lean into him. “I was worried little Cas would be unhappy.”

“He seemed okay after Fin explained. I think he fed off his and Quinn’s joy.”

“Better than explaining that we can’t go back now.”

Cass laughs, nuzzling into my shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to anyway.”

This time, I am truly scared. Every time we talked, it was always four kids. Four kids, and then we were happy. Ezra is now four, two years older than everyone else when a new sibling was brought in. Finlay is now eight and the twins are six. Will they be happy or sad or even angry?

They’re all watching a movie. I can hear the cheerful song playing from the television and all of them singing along, probably even acting it out. I smile, stepping into the house. However, before I can make my way into the room Cassian steps out of the kitchen, flour all down his apron and smile already on his face.

“How was your check up?” He asks, as I lean up to kiss him.

“Good,” I say, trying to keep the anxiety out of my voice. “Are you baking?”

“Yeah, I thought I would make some cookies for a treat.”

I nod and Cass’s eyes roam over me, missing nothing.

“What’s wrong?”

Swallowing, I hand him the envelope. His eyes look up at me as he takes it, before flicking down again and pulling out the blurry photograph. He lets out a shaky breath, smiling.

“Really?” He asks, looking up at me.

“Yeah…” I swallow again. “You’re not… You’re happy?”

“Of course I’m happy!” He pulls me to him, squeezing me tightly. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

A small smile of hope plays on my lips. “We only talked about four kids, never five.”

“So?” He holds me at arms length, grinning from ear to ear. “If you are happy, then I am too. Adding one more to our family is amazing!” “Adding?” We both turn to find Fin, Quinn, Caspian, and Ezra in the doorway, all looking slightly confused. They must have come over when they heard Cass shout.

I walk over to them, kneeling on their level, holding out the photo which Fin takes. He smiles passing it to the others.

Ezra jumps up, shifting from foot to foot. “Is this a baby?” He asks. I nod, smiling. “I’m not going to be the youngest anymore!”

He runs over, wrapping his arms around me, followed by the twins then Fin. Not soon later, I feel Cassian’s arms hold all of us.

“I’m so excited,” I hear Fin whisper.

She comes out the hard way. It was a rough pregnancy, but she is okay, and in my arms, and breathing.

I’m shaking and crying, brushing wisps of hair from her face. Cassian left to get the kids, and I finally let myself crumble.

“You alright?” Feyre asks from where she sits not too far away.

“Yeah,” I breathe. “I was just… I was so scared…”

She stands, wrapping her arm around my shoulder, Elain coming up on my other side.

“It's okay now.” Elain whispers. “She is safe.”

I nod, trying to breathe as my daughter sleeps soundly on my chest. We sit like that for a few seconds, before I finally have a clear moment and look up at my sisters.

“Eleanor.”

“Pardon?” Elain asks, confused.

“Eleanor. The name means light, or shining one.”

Feyre smiles. “Cassian will love it.” “Nelly for short?” Azriel asks, looking up from his book.

I beam. “Nelly for short.”

“Mummy!” Ezra’s voice rings out, stumbling over to me. “Is she okay?”

“She is okay,” I shift so he can see his little sister better.

Cassian helps Ezra up onto the bed, so the twins and Finlay can also see her.

“Does she have a name yet?” Fin asks, his gaze never leaving his young sister.

“I was thinking of Eleanor.” I look up at Cass just in time to see the smile spread across his face.

“Nelly for short,” Quinn says, and this time Azriel smiles softly.

“I love it,” Caspian says, looking up at his dad.

“I do too.” Cassian agrees.

“Eleanor it is.” I smile.

“Nelly for short,” Ezra grins.

“Nelly for short,” I confirm.

#nessian #nessian fanfiction #nesta archeron #cassian #sarah j maas #cassian x nesta #a court of silver flames #a court of silver flames countdown

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followthebluebell · 4 years

Text

FIP: Feline Infectious Peritonitis

Sprinkles contemplates some birds. We’re re-doing the catios right now, so they’re all closed off. I think she’s looking forward to being outdoors again.

I’m putting a cut here because this is a LENGTHY READ and, in case of further developments, I’d like to be able to easily update this article.

In October 2019, she was diagnosed with ocular FIP (Feline infectious peritonitis), which is a mutation of feline coronavirus (FCoV, which is very distinct from SARS-CoV-2, the virus that causes COVID-19). FCoV is ubiquitous in the cat population: almost every cat has it or is exposed to various strains of it. Most cats get over it just fine with only mild diarrhea. In a small percentage of cats (we’re uncertain on the percentage, which I’ll get into later, but it’s theoretically somewhere between 5-10%), it goes fuckwhack apeshit and mutates into FIP.

We don’t know why it spontaneously mutates. There seems to be a genetic component to it. It’s believed to be more common in purebred cats, but we’re really not sure--- since FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, there often is a hefty vet bill attached to the diagnosis and a person who can afford to buy a purebred cat from a cattery is more likely to be able to afford that bill. It MAY be triggered by stress. It’s much more common in younger cats, often appearing in kittens ranging from 4 months to 4 years. This doesn’t mean older cats are safe; I know of at least one case in a 12 year old cat.

Sprinkles was diagnosed at 3 and a half months. She didn’t have a particularly stressful event before developing symptoms. She’s not a purebred. I don’t know anything about her genetic history, so I can’t cross that off the list.

Mickey, my second FIP kitten, was diagnosed at 4 months. I know slightly more about his health records but it’s still scant. He arrived with an unusual skin ailment: sarcoptic mange. Hypothetically, this could indicate an already delicate immune system that left him vulnerable to this sort of FCoV mutation.

FIP is deadly and remains, to this day, the most horrifying disease I’ve ever personally encountered. Thankfully, FIP itself is NOT contagious. FCoV is highly contagious but, as previously mentioned, it’s fairly common in the cat population. There was a study done to see if separating kittens from their mother at 7 weeks (approximately the period when a mother’s antibodies begin to wear off and the kittens have to begin producing their own) would prevent cats from catching FCoV from her. This was effective but the social drawbacks are too heavy a cost for it to be considered regularly.

There is a vaccine for FCoV but it’s largely ineffective and most vets don’t recommend it.

FIP comes in two primary forms: wet (effusive) and dry (non-effusive). Usually, FCoV exists only in the gastrointestinal system. It’s really the only place it can replicate itself with ease. Once the virus mutates, it can’t replicate itself as well, but it CAN infect macrophages. Macrophages are highly mobile white blood cells. They go pretty much everywhere, and ones infected with FIPV (Feline Infectious Peritonitis Virus) will carry the virus along for the ride.

The early symptoms are vague. These cats are lethargic, listless, have low or no appetite, weight loss, and a fluctuating fever. The first symptom I caught in Sprinkles was complete avoidance: she was actively avoiding other kittens and other kittens were avoiding her. Mickey’s only symptoms were lethargy and diarrhea. I only got suspicious about possible FIP because the other kittens in his playgroup didn’t have any diarrhea at all.

And this is where we see a split in the forms of FIP.

Effusive FIP is characterized by the accumulation of fluid within the abdomen and is more common. It happens very quickly. Cats with effusive FIP develop breathing problems rapidly. The fluid drawn from the abdomen is usually straw-yellow. Effusive FIP is said to be more common, although only one of the 5 cases I’ve seen in the last few years was wet FIP.

Thankfully, effusive FIP has a few distinct traits that makes it easier to diagnose. It’s important to remember that FIP itself is generally a diagnosis by exclusion.

Measuring the protein in the effusion is a good first step. If it’s less than 35g/l, FIP is generally ruled out.

The albumin to globulin ratio is considered next, via a blood test. If it’s less than 0.4, FIP should be considered.

Finally, examining the cells in the effusion is valuable. If they’re primarily lymphocytes, FIP is excluded.

Non-effusive FIP is more difficult to spot, because the symptoms are so varied. Granulomas (inflammatory cells) form in various organs, which produces an extreme variety of symptoms. The most commonly affected symptoms are the ocular and neurological symptoms.

Ocular FIP happens when the virus crosses the blood-ocular barrier and is characterized by slightly opaque white films on one or both eyes; these don’t cover the entire eye. They’re often just a small section. This was the first distinct symptom I saw in Sprinkles. It’s considered a distinct enough sign that her ophthalmologist was able to tell me that she was 99% certain it was FIP.

Neurological FIP is my own personal hell. The virus crossed the blood-brain barrier and infects the brain. The first symptom is usually a limp or a slight tremble in the head. The paralysis often begins in the hind limbs and it travels upwards. The cat eventually loses all mobility. If the cat is lucky, they’ll begin to have seizures instead and die soon afterwards. Like I said, it remains the single-most awful thing I’ve ever seen.

Non-effusive FIP is harder to diagnose than effusive FIP, especially if the cat fails to develop ocular or neurological symptoms. In these cases, the only symptoms the cat has are fevers, diarrhea, and other non-specific issues.

Once again, the best bet is to consider the albumin to globulin ratio. The same rule of ‘if it’s under 0.4, FIP should be considered’ holds true.

Unfortunately, checking for antibodies is fairly useless. A positive FCoV test just means the cat has been exposed to FCoV.

FIP is deadly. While there are some isolated cases of cats seemingly recovering from it, I think it’s more likely that those were simply misdiagnosed cases. As I’ve said before, FIP is a diagnosis by exclusion, so a misdiagnosis can happen fairly easily. A cat with wet FIP is gone in days. A cat who’s unlucky enough to develop neurological FIP may linger for weeks until they die of starvation, oxygen deprivation as the lungs themselves are paralyzed, or dehydration. Ocular FIP generally spreads into the brain, causing seizures.

Sprinkles is very, VERY lucky. I had been following the study very closely and I had an acquaintance who recently started treating her foster cat for FIP. I was able to get into contact with some folks and obtain experimental treatment for my kittens.

GS-441525

In February 2019, there was a very promising study on a specific drug called GS-441524. Most of the cats involved with the study made a full recovery. The company (Gilead-Sciences) behind the drug wasn’t interested in getting it FDA approved for cats out of concern that it would affect its approval for human use. See, if it’s used officially for cats, Gilead-Sciences would be obligated to report any negative side-effects and that could impact getting it approved for human use down the line. “One of the rules in drug development is ‘never perform a test you don’t have to, if the results could be problematic,” isn’t an uncommon saying. It’s one of the reasons why I fell out of research and development myself.

I had some pull and was able to get experimental access to this drug for Sprinkles and, later, Mickey.

Both kittens went through three months of daily injections and a further 3 months of observations before they were deemed FIP-free. After seeing 3 other cats die from it, it’s been a blessing to see them recover. They’re both especially lucky that they finished their treatment cycle JUST before COVID-19 hit American shores since I couldn’t, in good conscience, continue using a very promising antiviral in cats when it would likely be needed by humans.

It’s definitely not a perfect system. Three months of daily injections (or pills) is not ideal for the average owner for several reasons. In addition to the difficulty of injecting a cat with an EXTREMELY painful drug daily, it also requires a lot of math; the dosage has to be adjusted daily to take weight gain into consideration. Even the concentration has to be adjusted at times. I haven’t used the pills at all, but I know a lot of people have had problems with cats biting through the pills. In addition, the pills seem less effective against neurological or ocular FIP.

Gilead-Sciences has refined GS-441524 into GS-5734 (named Remdesivir), which is supposed to be more efficient. Hypothetically, the addition of the phosphate groups should make it easier for it to get across barriers and be absorbed more easily. Hopefully this will result in a shorter treatment time, although I suspect it will be more expensive than GS-441524. This is already a substantial cost attached to GS-441524, with the treatment of a single cat or kitten over 1,000 USD.

As of writing (April 20, 2020), neither Remdesivir nor GS-441524 are available to the average public legally. Remdesivir has been approved for use in humans with COVID-19 in emergency cases.

#work #cat #FIP #long post

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theredherb · 3 years

Text

The Red Herb’s Top 10 Games of 2020

Hey, fuck 2020. You might notice that many of the “Best Of” lists you read this year and last can’t help but mention how terrible 2020 was. That’s because every day was like hitting a new, splinter riddled branch on our 365 day plummet off a shit-coated tree. The year brought with it a viral pandemic that served as a pressure cooker for the societal and systemic issues boiling beneath the surface of our every day life. And we’re not out of it.

At least one positive holds true of 2020: the games were pretty darn good. One has to wonder, though, if 2020 was the last year of what can be called “normalcy” for the video game industry. Now that the remainder of titles brewed in pre-Covid times are out in the wild, what will the future of gaming look like as studios shift to work-from-home and distribution models migrate to digital as the primary bread winner? What will games look like going forward?

I have no fucking clue. We’ll get there when we get there. But looking back, I’m glad to have had such solid distractions from the stress and strife. If 2020 is any indicator for the industry going forward, then my takeaway is that games will continue to grow in prominence because of their ability to help us cope and, more importantly, stay connected.

Anyway, here’s video games:

10. MARVEL’S AVENGERS

Oh, Marvel’s Avengers. I know you expected to be on more prestigious Top 10 lists than mine. Truthfully, I debated whether or not you should be here. But I had to search my soul (stone) on this one. Really assemble my feelings. Tony Stark my thoughts (?). Here’s the short of it: Marvel’s Avengers has a great story campaign with a surprising amount of emotional weight thanks largely to Kamala Khan’s quest to reassemble the heroes of her youth. Once the final cutscene ends, though, players were expected to take their play box of Marvel heroes, jump online, and duke it out against hordes of villains for the privilege of precious loot and level gains. It would be impossible to get bored because Crystal Dynamics was going to continually Bifrost in new quests, cosmetics, and heroes -- for free!

Except, after fans blasted through the campaign (took me a solid weekend), they found a multiplayer mode filled with repetitive fights against non-descript A.I.M Bots, a handful of dull, un-Marvelous environments (the PNW?! In a video game?! Wowwee!), and a grind for gear that became useless minutes after it was equipped. Oh, and bugs. Tons of bugs. It must be hard for A.I.M. to take earth’s mightiest heroes seriously when they’re falling through the fucking earth every other mission.

So why the Kevin Accolade™? Of all the mistakes and underbaked ideas, Crystal Dynamics got the most important thing right: they made me feel like I was a part of the Avengers. Cutting through the sky as Iron Man; dive bombing, fists-first as the Hulk; firing gadgets at cronies as Black Widow; cracking a row of skulls with Cap’s shield… Avengers is a brawler on super soldier serum.

The combat is crunchy and addictive, and surprisingly deep once you unlock your character’s full suite of skills and buffs. The gear matters little. But choosing a loadout that works for you -- like ensuring enemy takedowns grant you a health orb every time or turning area clearing attacks to focused beams of hurt -- does matter. When it comes to games with disastrous launches, Avengers is the most deserving of a triumphant comeback story because, if you clear the wreckage, I think there’s a solid game here. If I was able to spend hours playing it in its roughshod state, I can see myself digging in for the long-term once it’s polished up and given a healthy dose of content. You know...if Square Enix doesn’t outright abandon it.

9. STREETS OF RAGE 4

Here’s a fact about me: I love beat ‘em ups. From Final Fight to X-Men to The Simpsons, I prioritized my quarters for the beat ‘em up machines (and House of the Dead simply because House of the Dead fuckin’ owns). Unfortunately, Streets of Rage wasn’t in arcades, and I didn’t own a Genesis growing up, so I didn’t get around to the series until Sega re-released as part of a collection. Though my history with the 29 year old brawler is shorter than some, the basics stand out out right away: it’s an awesome side-scrolling brawler filled with zany character designs and high octane boss fights.

SoR4 nails that simple spirit while adding an electric soundtrack, buttery smooth animations, and an art style that looks like a comic book in motion. You can button-mash your way through the game or master your timing to combo stun the shit out of bad guys. Same screen co-op is a requisite for the beat ‘em up genre but I have to call it out nonetheless given that it's next to obsolete these days. The story campaign is, of course, finite but a stream of unlockables and a Boss Rush Mode pad out the package nicely.

I really don’t have to go on and on. I’m on board with any game that captures the arcadey high of classic beat ‘em ups, and Streets of Rage 4 does it with flare.

8. RESIDENT EVIL 3 REMAKE

Resident Evil 2’s remake was my game of the year in 2019. It’s a pitch perfect revision that captures the pulse-pounding fear of the original while beautifully updating its graphics and gameplay for modern audiences. The most striking aspect of RE2’s remake is how it expands and reconfigures the classic game’s environments and set pieces. Capcom managed to recontextualize, and even improve on, the original’s design while staying faithful to its tone and atmosphere.

Resident Evil 3’s remake is less successful in modifying and improving on its source material. If the game feels like it was handled by a different team than RE2R, your gamer hands have good eyes (roll with it). It was developed by a separate internal team (three different teams, in fact), but that’s actually one of many choices mirroring its 1999 forebear. Just like the original, RE3R is a tighter (i.e. shorter) experience that launched less than a year after its predecessor. And just like the original, the game skirts away from survival horror in favor of action horror.

Unlike last year’s remake, however, RE3R paints in broad strokes with the original material much in the same way that 2004’s Dawn of the Dead remake shared a vague resemblance with Romero’s ‘79 classic. Capcom at least nails down what matters: you play as Jill Valentine, beaten and discredited after the Arklay Mountains incident, during her last escape from the zombie besieged Raccoon City. Her exit is complicated by Nemesis, a humanoid missile that relentlessly pursues her from minute two of the game. Her only chance of making it out alive is by teaming up with a gaggle of Umbrella dispatched mercenaries, including an overly handsome fellow named Carlos Oliveras that you control for a spell. But fans struggled to get over what Capcom didn’t remake. Several enemies, boss fights, and a “divergent path” mechanic that had you choose how best to escape the Nemesis in a pinch were omitted from the remake. Even an entire section set in a clock tower was cut. But, let’s be honest, the biggest omission is a secret ending where Barry Burton saves the day using only his beard. For real, YouTube that shit.

If you look at what the remake does instead of what it doesn’t, you’ll find a lightning paced action game highlighted by tense, one-on-one fights against the constantly mutating Nemesis. The tyrant’s grotesque transformations evoke the mind-rending, gut turning creature designs found in John Carpenter's The Thing. It’s sad that Nemesis doesn’t pursue you through the levels as diligently as he did in the original, or as Mr. X had in last year’s remake, but these “arena fights” end up being harrowing and fun, culminating in a memorable final encounter. The remake also treats us to the best incarnation of Jill to date. She’s a cynical badass, exasperated at how Umbrella upended her life, and can take a plunge off of a building yet still muster enough energy to call Nemesis a bitch. RE3R also shines thanks to its snappy combat, including a contextual dodge that feels rewarding to pull off, less bullet-sponge enemies than RE2, and an assortment of weapons to get you through Jill’s Very Bad Night(s). It makes for a necessary, though shorter, companion to last year’s stellar remake.

7. HADES

I’m experiencing a new type of shame including a title that I haven’t beaten on my Top 10 list, but I can assure you that I’ve dumped hours into its addictive death loop. It’s probably because of my resistance to looking up any tips, but given the skill-check nature of the difficult boss fights, I’m almost afraid the top shelf advice will amount to “die less, idiot.”

My failings aside, Hades is brilliant. It’s the perfect merger of gameplay and storytelling. You play as Zagreus, son of Hades, and your entire goal is to escape your father’s underworld domain. You pick from a selection of weapons, like a huge broadsword or spear, and attempt your “run,” seeing how far you can make it before an undead denizen cuts you down. It’s familiar roguelike territory, but where Supergiant separates their game from the pack is in the unique feeling of constant progression, even as you fail. With each run, not only is Zagreus earning a currency (gems or keys) that unlock new skills that make the next go a little easier, you’re also consistently treated to new lore. The fallen gods and heroes that line your father’s hall greet you after each death and provide a new insight into their world. The writing is bouncy and hilarious, the voice acting ethereal and alluring, and the character designs could make a lake thirsty.

Supergiant’s stylistic leanings are at their peak here. They’ve managed the impossible feat of making failure feel like advancement. Sure, it totally fucks up other roguelikes for me, but that’s okay. None of those games have Meg.

6. DEMON’S SOULS

Whereas Capcom takes liberties with their remakes, Bluepoint took the Gus Van Sant approach and made a 1:1 recreation of the 2009 title that launched the “Soulslike” genre. The dividing difference is a 2020 facelift brought to us by way of the PlayStation 5’s next-gen horsepower. There’s been online arguments (surprise) regarding the loss of Fromsoftware’s visual aesthetic in translating the PS3 original in order to achieve a newfound photorealism. It’s true, some beasties lose their surreal weirdness -- a consequence of revisiting designs without the worry of graphical or time constraints -- but the game’s world is still engrossing, morbid, and bleakly gorgeous.

That’s not to say all Bluepoint did was overhaul the graphics and shove this remake out the door. No, their improvements are nuanced, under-the-hood changes that gently push the genre into the next-generation. For one, the loading times are incredible. You could hop between all five archstones in under a minute if you wanted. And this game is a best DualSense controller showcase outside of Astro’s Playroom. You can feel a demonstrable difference between hitting your sword against a wall compared to connecting it with an attacking creature. Likewise, the controller rumbles menacingly as to let you know enemies are stomping across a catwalk above you. “Better rumbles” was not on my wish list of next-gen features, but the tactile feedback goes great lengths to make you feel like you’re there.

Granted, sticking so closely to the original means its pratfalls are also carried over to the next-gen. The trek between bonfire checkpoints is an eternity compared to the game’s successors, and Fromsoftware hadn’t quite mastered the sword ballet of boss fights prevalent in Dark Souls. Instead, a handful of bosses feel more like set pieces where you’re searching for the “trick” to end it versus having to learn attack patterns and counters. Still, it’s easy to see the design blueprint that bore a whole new genre. From having to memorize enemy placements to hunting down the world’s arcane secrets in the hopes of finding a new item that pushes the odds in your favor. Bluepoint’s quality of life improvements only make it kinder (not easier) to plunge into the game, obsess over its idiosyncrasies, and begin to master every inch of it. That is until you roll into New Game+ and the game shoves a Moonlight Greatsword up your ass.

5. YAKUZA: LIKE A DRAGON

Here’s a fact about me I’m sure you don’t know: I love beat ‘em ups. Streets of Rage 4 had an easy time making it on this list because it can be classified as both a “beat ‘em up” and “good.” Here’s another fact about me: I’m not the biggest fan of JRPGs. I’m told this is not because of any personal preferences I harbor, but rather due to a distinct lack of culture. I’ve made peace with that. At least my uncultured ways are distinctive.

But my disinterest in JRPGs is notable here because it illustrates how very good Like A Dragon is. Transitioning the Yakuza series from a reactive brawler (entrenched in an open-world SIM) to a full-blown turned-based RPG was risky -- especially 8 entries into the mainline series -- but it pays off explosively for Like A Dragon. Not only does the goofiness, melodrama, and kinetic energy translate to an RPG -- it’s improved by it. Beyond a new protagonist -- the instantly likable and infinitely affable Ichiban Kasuga -- we’re finally treated to an ensemble cast that travels with you, interacts with you, and grows with you. Their independent stories weave into Ichi’s wonderfully and end up mattering just as much as his.

The combat doesn’t lose any of its punch now that you’re taking turns. In fact, it feels wilder than ever and still demands situational awareness as your enemies shift around the environment, forcing you to quickly pick which move will do the most damage and turn the fight in your favor. RGG purposefully made Ichi obsessed with Dragon Quest (yes, specifically Dragon Quest) as an excuse to go ham and morph enemies into outlandish fiends that would populate Ichi’s favorite series. It’s a fun meta that never loses its charm.

This is the best first step into a new genre I’ve ever seen an established franchise make and I hope like hell they keep with it for future outings -- and that Ichi returns to keep playing hero. There’s plenty of callbacks and treats for longtime fans, but RGG did a masterful job rolling out the virtual carpet for a whole new generation of Yakuza fanatics.

4. GHOST OF TSUSHIMA

Sucker Punch’s dive into 13th century Japan doesn’t redefine the open-world genre. But like Horizon: Zero Dawn before it, Ghost of Tsushima takes familiar components of the genre and uses them exceptionally well, creating an airtight experience that can’t help but stand out. I can tell Sucker Punch mused on games like Assassin’s Creed and Breath of the Wild, tried to figure out what makes those games tick, and then brought their own spin to those concepts. You can feel it in their obsession to make traversal through the environment as unobtrusive as possible, letting the wind literally guide you to your destinations instead of forcing the player to glue their eyes to a mini-map. You can feel it in how seamless it is to scale a rooftop before silently dropping on a patrol, blade first. You can feel it in the smoothness behind the combat as your sword clashes against the enemy’s. Every discrete part is fine-tuned yet perfectly complements the whole. The game is silk in your hands.

The mainline story can be humdrum, though. It mirrors the beats of a superhero origin story, which isn’t surprising when you account for the three Infamous titles and satellite spinoffs under Sucker Punch’s belt. But Jin Sakai’s personal journey outshines the cookie-cutter plot. His gradual turn from the strict samurai code to a morally ambiguous vigilante lifestyle (to becoming, eventually, a myth) is a fascinating exploration in shifting worldviews. This is bolstered by the well-written side-missions dotting your quest, some of which play out in chains. It’s these diversions about melancholy warriors and villagers adjusting to life under invasion that end up being the essential storytelling within the game. Whatever you do, don’t skip a single one.

Before GoT can overstay its welcome with collectible hunting and stat-tree building, the ride is over. If you find exhaustive open-world titles, well, exhausting, Sucker Punch coded enough of a campaign to sticking the landing and not more. But if you were looking for more, the game’s co-op Legends mode is the surprise encore of the year. It strikes its own tone, with vibrant, trippy designs, and a progression system that embarrasses other AAA titles in the space (I mean Avengers. I’m talking about Avengers).

3. THE LAST OF US PART II

The Last of Us is widely regarded as a masterpiece. It’s a melancholic trek through a realistic post-apocalypse, driven by the budding bond between a world-weary survivor and a would-be teenage savior. The fungal zombies and violent shootouts with scavengers were scary and exciting, but ultimately just window-dressing compared to the level of complicated, and honest, human emotion on display throughout the tale. While a segment of detractors helpfully pointed out that The Last of Us’ story isn’t unique when compared to years of post-apocalyptic books, comics, and movies, that argument seems to forget that a narrative more concerned with the human protagonists’ connections to one another instead of saving the world or feeding into a hero complex is pretty unique for games -- especially a high profile, AAA budgeted game.

Still, fans made heroes out of Joel and Ellie because of their own connection to their journey. And that connection is almost instantly challenged in the opening hours of The Last of Us Part II to heartbreaking effect. But I’m here to tell you that any other sequel would have been dishonest to the legacy of the original game. To be given a hero’s quest as a continuation, an imagined sequel where Joel and Ellie do battle against the viral infection that’s swept the earth, would have been a despicable cash-in. It would have been a mistake to follow-up the original’s careful examination of human nature just to placate an audience that seems to have missed the point Naughty Dog made. The Last of Us Part II hurts. But it has to or else it wouldn’t have been worth making. It’s a slow-burn meditation on the harmful ripples revenge creates, how suffering begets suffering, and how, if we don’t break the cycles of violence we commit to, suffering will come for us.

To drive this point, we’re given two distinct perspectives during the meaty (and somewhat overlong) campaign, split between Ellie Williams, the wronged party seeking revenge, and Abby Anderson, an ex-Firefly whose actions set the sequel into motion. The greatest trick Naughty Dog pulls off isn’t forcing us to play as a character we hate, it’s giving us reasons to emphasize with them. It was gradual, and despite some heavy-handed moments meant to squeeze sympathy out of the player (how many times do I have to see that fuckin’ aquarium?!), I eventually came to love Abby’s side of the story. The obvious irony being that she unwittingly walks the same path Joel did in the original.

My love for the narrative shouldn’t distract from how well designed the world is. Being a King County local, the vision of a ruined Seattle strikes an uncomfortable note -- it was eerie seeing recognizable buildings overgrown with vegetation but otherwise devoid of life. Maybe the heart-wrenching story also distracts from the fact this game is, by definition, survival horror. Exploring toppled buildings in the dark, hearing the animalistic chittering of the infected, defending yourself with limited resources… It manages to be a scarier entry into the genre in 2020 than even RE3R. There’s a particular fight in a fungus covered hospital basement that easily goes down as my Boss Fight of the Year. Human enemies make for clench-worthy encounters, too, with incredibly adept AI that forces you to keep moving around the environment and set traps to avoid getting overwhelmed.

Admittedly, the subject matter -- or more to the point, the grim tone -- was tough to stomach during an actual pandemic which has happily treated us to the worst of human nature. Still, The Last of Us Part II is absolutely worth playing for its balance of mature themes and expertly crafted world, and the way it juxtaposes beauty and awfulness in the same breath.

2. SPIDER-MAN: MILES MORALES

The most impressive thing about Miles Morales is that, despite being a truncated midquel rather than a full-blown sequel, it’s a better game than 2018’s Spider-Man. It’s not because of the instantaneous loading times or the fancy ray-tracing techniques used on the PS5 version of the game. Rather, it’s how it takes the joyride of the original game and hones it into a laser focused experience filled to the brim exclusively with highs. Like Batman: Arkham Asylum going into Arkham City, Miles starts the game off with his mentor’s best abilities and tools. From there, he discovers his own powers, his bioelectric venom strike, which ends up feeling like the missing ingredient from the first game’s combat.

Your open-world playground -- a locale in the Marvel universe called “New York City” -- is exactly the same size as the previous installment, which helps avoid making the game feel “lesser.” But Insomniac wisely consolidated the random crimes Peter faced into a phone app that Miles can check and choose which activity to help out with. Choices like this really trim the fat from the main game and help alleviate “the open-world problem” where the story’s pacing suffers because players are spending hours on end collecting feathers. This is great because Miles’ story is also great. The narrative kicks Peter out pretty early on, focusing on how Miles assumes the role of city protector, primarily focused on his new home in Harlem. Insomniac avoids retreading the same path paved by Into the Spider-Verse by telling a relatable tale where Miles defines his identity as Spider-Man. With a strong cast led by Nadji Jeter as Miles, the game lands an impactful story that weaves its own new additions to Miles’ mythos (light spoiler: I loved their take on The Prowler).

Miles Morales was pure virtualized joy from start to finish. A requirement of the platinum trophy is to replay the entirety of the game on New Game+. I didn’t hesitate to restart my adventure the minute the credits were over. Everything I loved about 2018’s Spider-Man is here: the swinging, the fighting, the gadgets, the bevy of costumes. But it gave me a new element I adore and can’t see Insomniac’s franchise proceeding without: being Miles Morales.

1. FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE

I love subversive media, I do. And Square Enix’s “remake” of one the most beloved video games ever made subverts expectations by openly acknowledging that, yes, the original story you love exists and is consistently referenced in this game. But this is not that story. This is something..else. Because the truth is, SE could never have recreated FFVII and delivered a title that matched the Sacred Game fans created in their heads. That impossible standard is like an imagined deity, given power by feeding on raw nostalgia reinforced by years of word-of-mouth and appearances on Top 100 lists. I’m not saying FFVII is a bad game or that fans give it too much credit. Not at all. There’s a reason it’s so influential -- it’s good! But memory works in a funny way over time. We have a tendency to codify our perception of a thing over the reality of it. The connection we make to certain media, especially when introduced at a young age as FFVII had been to a whole generation of fans so long ago, creates a legend in our heads. Unfortunately, it’s a legend no developer could achieve when tasked with remaking it.

So Square...didn’t. Final Fantasy VII Remake has the same characters, setting, and plot beats as the first third of the original game but it’s not the same game, nor is it a remake of it in the traditional sense. It’s something new. And I fucking love that about it.

Everything is reconfigured, including the combat. After years of trying to merge RPG mechanics with more approachable (and marketable) real-time action (see FFXV and the Kingdom Hearts games for examples), Square Enix finally landed on the perfect balance. You fully control Cloud on the battlefield, from swinging your impossibly huge buster sword to dodging attacks. The ATB gauge (no one knows what the acronym stands for -- that information has been lost to time) gradually fills up, letting unleash powerful moves. But best of all, you fight in a party, and you can switch who to control on the fly.

That may not sound revolutionary, let alone for a Final Fantasy, but each character has a completely unique feel and suite of moves. At times, it feels like playing a Devil May Cry game where you can switch between Dante, Vergil, and Nero on the fly (that’s a free idea, Capcom. Hire me, you cowards). You can soften up an enemy with Cloud’s buster to increase their stagger meter, switch to Barret for a quick gatling barrage, and finally switch to Tifa to crush them with her Omnistrike. You can accomplish this in real-time or slow down the action to plan this out. It’s a great mix of tactics and action that prevents the game from feeling like a mindless hack n’ slash.

What really, really works here is the character work. Each lead walks in tropes first, but the longer you spend with the members of your party, the more their motivations and fears are laid out. You end up having touching interactions with just about the whole main cast. There’s a small segment, after Cloud saves Aerith from invading Shinra guards, that the two make an escape via rooftop.They make light conversation -- small talk really -- but it’s exchanges like this that feel genuine, perfectly framing their characters (stoic versus heartfelt), and grounding an otherwise larger-than-life adventure.

Many bemoaned the fact that FFVIIR only revisits a small portion of the original game, but I think it was a brilliant choice -- to massively expand on areas we only got to see a little of in the original. I honestly didn’t want to leave Midgar. It’s a world rife with conflict and corporate oppression, sure, but Midgar is beautifully realized, from the slums below the plates, populated with normal people trying to make the best of life, to the crime controlled Wall Market, adorned with gaudy lights and echoing honky tonk tunes. It very well may be years before FFVII’s remake saga comes to a close, but if each entry is paved with as much love and consideration and, yes, storytelling subversion as this introductory chapter… It’ll be worth the wait.

#gaming

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thoughtsofanexcitedspacechild · 3 years

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25 more things I learned during a global pandemic from your Local Teenage Train wreck :) (Pt. 2)

1. Gaining weight is okay. Losing weight is okay. Bodies fluctuate and are inconsistent. Just make sure that you’re trying your best to be healthy, whatever that means for you.

2. School is hard, especially during a global. freaking. pandemic. Don’t beat yourself up if it’s harder to get up in the morning or your grades aren’t as high as they usually are. It’s hard right now.

3. You’re mental health comes above all. School, responsibilities, and personal projects are not worth your time if it’s affecting your mental health. If your gut is telling you to take a break, take a break!

4. If you feel lonely, get a plant to keep in your room. Do some research as to that plants do best with the type of lighting in your room, and figure out some basic care instructions. Have someone to take care of besides yourself. Name your plants, and take care of them.

5. Even if you’re not good at writing, I suggest you keep a journal during this time. It kept me sane over the summer, and even though I eventually stopped because of limited time with school starting back up, it helped to keep me sane in the worst of the pandemic.

6. If you’re spiritual (or even if you’re not) learn how to do shadow work. This isn’t anything that has to be spiritual or done in just one religion. It’s basically giving yourself a chance and a space to be open and honest with yourself and to learn what you might need to work on through writing. If you google it, you can find a more in depth explanation, and prompts to start doing it. You basically give yourself a prompt. They can be questions like “What’s the biggest lie you’ve told someone else or yourself?” or they can be a little less heavy like “What are five non physical things that you genuinely like about yourself?”. This can be pretty heavy, and can dig up some unwanted emotions, but that’s the whole point; to deal with the emotions you may have been repressing and letting fester inside of you.

7. On days when you’re not feeling well mentally, take a break. It’s okay to drop everything and get an extra hour of sleep, read, or do something else to make yourself feel better.

8. After hard days, I know the last thing you want to do is get up and continue on, but here are some ways to do it:

- lay out an outfit that’s put together, but not as over the top. No sweat pants or crappy clothes, but it doesn’t have to be your usual put together outfits with a full face of makeup. A nice crewneck and a nice pair of black athletic leggings can go a long way.

-wear your comfort jewelry. I wear my beaded necklace that I bought for myself, the silver ring my grandma gave me and the gold cross ring that my mom gave to me when I got confirmed.

-eat breakfast. A handful of cereal will do. Anything. But eat something. I like to make oatmeal. It sounds boring but if you make it right, it tastes just perfect for mornings when you don’t feel hungry but know inside that you are. Recipe is next on the list :)

-go to school. I know you want to lay in bed. I know the last place you want to be is a crowded building full of pubescent teens that aren’t nice, but go. Go to learn. Go to absorb knowledge like a sponge, and don’t worry if you fail and lose some of the water, because you can always soak it up later.

-if you have practice, rehearsal, a game, whatever, be gentle on yourself. Today might not be your best day physically, because the brain controls everything. Forgive yourself if you can’t land that double pirouette, get to the high note, or make that assist. You’re abilities are stagnant, and they’re going to change depending on how you feel

-When you get home, turn off your phone. Friends, social media, etc. can wait. Set a timer for one hour. Do work for just that hour. When the timer rings, finish what you were doing and then stop. Now have a 20 minute break and do something that’s not screen related. Read a book, draw something; heck, stare at the wall for 20 minutes and space out. When the timer rings, do another hour and repeat the same process until it’s all done.

-have a playlist you listen to to heal you. Sad boi hours are ok, just make sure to have a playlist of songs that get you moving again.

-Sleep. Even if that means putting off work for tomorrow. It’s ok. You really need it.

9. Oatmeal seems gross until you know how to prepare it. When you do, it’s revolutionary. It’s a high volume, low calorie food, so you’ll stay full for a while without overeating, all while consuming less calories than you would with a traditional breakfast cereal.

The right way to make it:

-measure out half a cup of old fashioned oats. Not steel cut. Those aren’t as good.

-MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add half a cup of water and half a cup of milk of your choice. I personally like almond milk because it’s kind of sweet already even when it’s unsweetened.

-SECOND MOST IMPORTANT STEP: add a pinch of salt, a sprinkle of cinnamon, and allspice, and a teaspoon or two of maple syrup. This is what makes it taste palatable. It’s less sugar than store-bought, and tastes amazing.

-Microwave that shit for one minute and stir. It should look kind of lumpy, but not a ton. Then, put another minute on. Stir at every half increment. (After 30 seconds, every 15 seconds, and then every 7) This is so it doesn’t boil over. Then, take it out, stir it one last time, and let it sit for a second.

-Wash up some berries to put in it. I love blueberries and or blackberries.

perfect oatmeal every. single. time. Feel free to add more toppings like nuts or if you wanna treat yourself chocolate or substitute the spices, but this is honestly one of my favorite breakfasts that keeps me full throughout the day.

10. Learn a new language. Yes, Duolingo is annoying, but do it. Find one that you’ll like to learn and that’s easy for you. Try them on like old clothes and find one that fits just right. For me, it’s French. Expose yourself to that language. Listen to music, read books (or try to) and watch movies with subtitles. Soon enough, you’ll be eager to learn more.

11. Learn how to use notion.com. It’s super amazing. You can literally keep track of your entire life there. It’s pretty fun to use as well. I made schedules for each day after school, a reading log, a want to read list, a personal habit tracker, etc, and they’re all extremely helpful.

12. Make a list of things you weren’t allowed to do as a kid and do one every day. Heal your inner child by finally itching the spot that may not have been scratched for years.

13. Learn how to make origami stars. They’re really easy, and I can’t recommend Maqaroon’s (Joanna’s) video on how to make them enough. Once you’ve got it down, get yourself a nice big jar and write down things you’re grateful for on the slips of paper you’re going to fold. Fill up your gratitude jar and make a wish once it’s full. It will come true.

14. Have 30 minutes a day to put your phone down and read. Yes. You will have to sacrifice something to do this, but it’s so important and good for not only information retention and learning, but for mental health as well. Even if you have to get up half an hour earlier to do it, it’s worth it.

15. It’s okay to be alone, but learn to recognize the difference between alone and lonely. If you’re lonely, here are some things to do:

-write a letter to a friend. It’s something nice you can do for yourself and others, and it’s not feeding into the toxic instant reply culture that we live in

-read a book or watch a show that gets you to connect with the characters, even if that means (I've said it before and I’ll say it again) rereading a favorite ya series or binging atla for the fiftieth time. It’s good for the soul.

-take a walk and smile at the people you see coming past. Again, it’s good for the soul.

-go to the coffee shop and ask the barista to make you a drink that tastes like “_____” (insert whatever you want there. It could be a color, song, feeling, etc.) It’s weird and uncomfortable, but it gives you a conversation starter and 9.9 times out of 10 a really good drink. (Also helpful for when you think the barrista’s cute)

-Reading in general. It opens up so many new worlds with the turn of a page.

16. Monitor your food intake. No, don’t restrict your food intake, monitor it. This means first seeing exactly what your putting in your body and altering it to gradually improve to a clean diet. Humans weren’t built to process all the preservatives, additives and sugars found in most processed food (cereals, chips, anything in a foil bag that’s either really sweet or really salty) and it’s important to cut down and if possible eliminate as much as you can of it out of your diet. Food is fuel, and you truly are what you eat. You’ll notice that by increasing your vegetable intake, reducing white processed sugars and carbs*, and cutting out sodas/extra sugars, that you’ll feel better. This isn’t a weight loss thing, but you may start to trim down a little bit once you go more intense with it. You don’t have to eliminate anything fully, and please enjoy your favorite “bad” foods! Everything in moderation is perfect! Just make sure that you’re getting the good stuff in there too! *Side note, do NOT cut out carbs! See my post on how I’m losing weight to get more into depth on this.

17. Buy fresh flowers for yourself. Who says that you have to wait for someone else? That’s completely false, and you should totally treat yourself to a nice bouquet on occasion, especially in the dead of winter.

18. The whole idea of self love is flawed. Loving yourself has nothing to do with the way you look. Loving yourself comes with genuinely loving your life. If you don't love the way you’re living, change it. Make and set goals. Fail at achieving those goals. Get back up and try again until you finally get it, but make sure that whatever you’re doing, you’re doing to love the life you live. Life doesn’t live you. You live life.

19. Have candles and incense. (Or a diffuser if you’re not allowed to burn stuff) Making your environment smell good makes a huge difference

20. Once you turn 18, get a tattoo. It doesn’t have to mean anything. Pick something small and get it behind your ear, on your ankle, wrist, fingers, whatever. You’ll love having the memory when your old.

21. Realize your worth. We often put ourselves down because we think that valuing ourselves is equivalent to selfishness. It’s not. At all. You are just as important as everyone else. Your voice matters too.

22. Go to art museums

23. Go to free concerts in the park

24. Expose yourself to new art, ideas, and literature

25. Life is gonna suck sometimes. It’s just how it is. That doesn’t mean a bad day’s gonna last forever. As cheesy as it is, keep your head up :)

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blankdblank · 4 years

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Ridikulus Pt 7

It had to be tonight, just had to be, tonight you would face the dragon. Notes were sent out to Charlie and his friends from the dragon grounds to ensure they would meet you there. Two energy boosters later and you slumped into your seat in Minerva’s office for lunch knowing you couldn’t make it down and up again all those flights of stairs to the Great Hall.

Severus was next to ease into his seat still feeling a bit stiff from his own lingering injuries asking, “Did you sleep well at least?”

“Doesn’t feel like I sleep at all these days.”

Barty strolled in next with Em in hand as you shifted her high chair closer to you only for him to say, “Now now you can barely lift your arms.”

Again you huffed and said, “You know they ambushed me this morning? I had to leave cuz we were deadlocked last night and said we could talk after school and they were there at breakfast!”

The group chuckled and Minerva said, “Well with those dreams of yours did you really expect to be family right off as they only stared at you? Barty has said the King seems to be quite interested in our world.”

Severus, “What of the other one? Any progress?”

“He asked me if it was true that Basilisks were dangerous, and yesterday I asked him his name and Ron introduced us, then nothing, just ushered me ahead to sit with the others.”

Minerva chuckled, “Perhaps he feels he is not able to speak to you socially yet. Some form of tradition to gain, some form of social status before you may converse in private or public without a chaperone.”

“That is-,”

Barty, “Plus, he’s a Lord, apparently the Elf King chooses to treat you as a Queen, standing when you do, refusing to sit until you do. Maybe it’s a matter of rank.”

“But I’m-“

Severus, “To them a Queen is a Queen. Land or not. You have some form of say and are their main face for our people. Even Gandalf holds you in high regard.”

“Ugh,” hanging your head for a moment you said, “We were supposed to get a new start not have to keep playing the Queen thing.”

Minerva, “Who’s playing? You have inherited the control of Death Eaters and still have their loyalty even if their agendas have changed from attacks to defense.”

Severus, “Any news from the Dwarves?”

“Not particularly. Oh, remind me to look up the ingredients for a gender shift potion,” his brow inched up, “Bilbo and Thorin want to have babies.” Earning a nod from him, “I said I would assist them with it.”

Minerva, “And the dragon?”

“Tonight. Then hopefully the settling in the land between the rivers at least so I can relax a bit tomorrow. We still have to vote on Dale but we can at least set the shops down in the new lands to ease some of the weight until we can clear Angmar down.”

Minerva, “That would be best. Handle it soon before we have to see you in a coma.” Earning your weak agreeing chuckle.

Barty, “Plan for the face off?”

“Um, Phoenix shift most likely, taunt him while the guys wrap the chain harness around him. Who knows maybe some of his fire might give me a boost of energy.”

Severus, “Either that or it will at least keep you nice and toasty.” Making you smirk at him.

The pictures of the arches later are examples of basic shapes and build not exactly the design I have made. If i could draw what’s in my head this would have been easier. But i hope you get the gist. :D

...

In a huff Thorin sat in front of the fireplace in your sitting room tapping the pipe he wished to be smoking on his knee while Dwalin glanced at him after easing the nipple of the bottle between Lulu’s lips he had just fixed for her. “Now now, she’ll be down for her nap in a bit and you can smoke then.”

Thorin huffed again, “You know it isn’t that. We’re so close, and now we’re held off by, classes and meetings with the Elves wishing to detail every moment of our allies settling.”

Dwalin, “Ah. Well certainly the classes of course,”

Thorin shook his head, “I understand classes. Exams and such, their young need training and care.”

Dwalin, “Well which is it Then?”

Thorin looked at him, “Elves! Why must they meddle with the Wizards? Why could they not just allow us our task, had we not wasted the past day in Rivendell handling the matter of the Ring, which aided us all I can agree to that, but the matter was settled with such ease it stunned the Elves. Surely that could have waited another day at least! We could have been settled now, but Miss Black is now more exhausted and irritated herself with their ambush this morning! Surely they can see just how it wears on her!”

Dwalin, “Surely they do.” Thorin looked at him saying, “What? Was your expectation I would defend or explain their actions? I’ve no clue what rattles around in those heads of theirs same as you.” At the figure entering the door he grinned saying, “Afternoon, Miss Granger.”

Thorin’s head turned sharing the soft grin they gave the teen entering to say, “Jaqi sent a note, wanted to let you know, after her last class she wanted to give Smaug a go.”

Thorin’s lips parted, “Surely if she needs to rest-,”

Hermione shook her head, “Said it was best not to put it off, she might want to eat first, so roughly five or six she should be heading out with the guys. If you wanted to go that is, watch them catch Smaug.”

Thorin, “Of course we would want to be there. Is there any way we might aid Miss Black at all?”

Hermione, “Um, I’m not exactly sure. Neville’s stocking up on herbs from the greenhouse for some more energy boosters, the Dragon crew are handling that end with Charlie, not much to do really. Just rest up I suppose. Seventy years nearly, the mountain will need some cleaning.”

Thorin, “Of course. Thank you for informing us.” She nodded and eased back out of the room to return to her list of laws she was writing comments on with the other teens and remaining Aurors chosen for the new Wizengamot alongside Dumbledore.

In a hurry Thorin jumped up and went off to spread the word soon bringing back all of his Company into the sitting room to think of how best to aid you, mainly ending with those who lives there longest trying to make a map. Though in a passing trip from Sirius and Remus memories were borrowed in their process to make you a better one just like those they used in their Marauding days.

…

Five o clock came and out of your blouse you stripped, leaving you in your near sheer backless tank top topped with a rib length corseted top, both in a light grey coated in black diagonal patterns. Through the halls you strolled down to the main floor of your house where you found the Elf Lords ready to continue your conversation only to tag along after hearing where you were going. Estel in Elladan’s arms was eager to have met, you, Em and to see Sirius again and now was just shaking from excitement and ready to see Smaug being taken out of Erebor.

With lips parted taking in your skin baring appearance the Lords followed you through your enchanted doorway into the snow capped chilly field on the edge of the forest thanks to the memory from Thorin. Thankfully you had found a break in the snow and wind easing the temperature even without the warming bubble your uncle had cast around those looking on. Around you the Dragon team mounted their brooms as Charlie strolled through your reopened enchanted doorway with a shrunken Ukrainian Ironbelly the size of a cow behind him. A grin eased across his lips in spotting you and Charlie said, “Boris here asked as Imperial to supervise the safe capture of the thief.”

In Draconic he greeted you stating, “No one harms you little one.”

Moving closer and giving an almost purr in your hand stroking against his cheek when your foreheads met, “You are always welcome to monitor us.”

In a pull back you turned with the twins accepting the map in your hand holding your wand and as Charlie mounted his own broom the Elves watched Boris take off towards Laketown lake where he seemed to expand five hundred times over. Now standing taller than Erebor itself folding his wings again with a snarl waiting and watching the mountain. Before the others could speak in a burst of flames you leapt up and mouths dropped watching you shift into a white and blue Phoenix between the red and gold twins starting your flight towards the front gate. A flick of the wand in your foot threw the gates open and inside your trio soared while the Dragon team remained in place outside.

Following the path on the map at the door of the treasury you shifted back and pocketed the map and shot a purple charm out of your wand jolting the sleeping beast from his sleep. Up he rose and with a smirk you said, “Aren’t you simply adorable?”

Sharply in his jump up you shifted again and dove towards the hoard grabbing the shimmering stone through the showers of gold coins raining down off his body and circled around soaring right through the wall of flames he blew at you. Instantly the flames seeped into your feathers and all those weeks of travel wore away in your body sucking up all the flames to now wreath you in sparks. Another circle as he sat up and the twins joined you in planting your feet onto his body apparating him outside.

Out again shooting from their hiding places the Dragon team circled Smaug now visibly floundering in the air trying to remember just how to fly. Pillar after pillar of flames erupted from him to be absorbed by your trio after your wide swooping turn flinging the stone towards your father who used his drawn wand to hover it the rest of the way to hand over to the now teary eyed Thorin cradling it in his hands.

Chains encircled Smaug now frozen in a wide eyed stare at Boris baring his fangs in a warning growl alerting that he would breathe flames if necessary.

Unable to fight all of you Smaug relented and allowed himself to be chained into the enchanted harness the Dragon team used the proper charm on to shrink him to the size of a toy pig. Tucked in Charlie’s arm he coiled up afraid of being eaten only to see Boris shrinking himself to fly after the team escorting him to the Dragon Breeding Grounds.

A sudden gust of wind in front of the cheering group had them finding you three still coated in soft white flames and sparks for a few moments and you with ripples of colors in your eyes settling back to normal as you said with a grin, “King Thorin, Erebor. As promised. Now, it needs some tidying, and your hoard is in need of proper gathering, the exit sent it all topsy turvy.”

Tightly around your middle he hugged you making you giggle in hugging him back as he replied, “I can never repay you for this. Dale does not seem half as worth what you have given us, not to mention all else that was promised.”

With a smirk you said, “For that, you can start with a tour while we give you a bubble charm of your own.” Making him chuckle and nod in Fred and George apparating the group inside the mountain whose doors eased shut behind you.

Cleansing pulses shot out of the wands of the Aurors in the group while you, Fred and George formed a ring of emeralds of protection you gave to Thorin controlling the bubble charm around the mountain. The deeper you got into the mountain the more the Dwarves grinned seeing the cleaning supplies start to get to work freshening up the mountain gradually growing brighter with the forge fueled lanterns after Norberta grew to her full size and lit each of the stacks stirring the entire mechanism back to life.

A swing of the giant hammers had you summoning muffling charms around the children in your party in your clearly visible flinch into Glorfindel’s side when the massive dangling mallots collided. A quick apologetic grin was answered with a timid pat on your shoulder blade and you kept moving onwards glancing up at the mallets that still made you flinch again and slide your fingers along your thighs trying to shake the memory of the explosions from your escape that had burned and battered you so badly. A brush of the King flanking up on your other side had your attention drifting to the wrap on his arm you shifted your head slightly to get a stolen clarifying glance at the design stitched into it. Only for his eyes to catch your eyes clamping shut for a moment in your next flinch.

Unable to resist seeing the damage Smaug had been wreaking in the treasury Thorin led the way to the scattered sea of gold you held your hand out to keep the others from touching.

Curiously the Durin’s eyes all rose to you only to drop to the gold at your father’s stating, “That is quite a hex.”

Thorin, “Hex?”

“We’re going to need nifflers.” At that you and the twins were off through your door linked to the niffler habitat in Hogwarts with your attention grabbing whistle stirring up the curious hoards of scavengers.

Hermione clarified, “Something in the hoard is hexed, and the hex has spread through the gold. One of the easiest metals to curse, just seeps through anything gold it comes into contact with. Seems to be a befuddling base with, blind greed touch to it?”

She glanced up at Remus who said, “This is going to take a while.” Glancing down at K, who accepted both Teddy and Em he took to the corner of the ledge he summoned a play area for the two Estel joined them in curiously under the watch of the twins.

The return of your trio drew all eyes to you and then lower to the excited herd of Nifflers all peeking up then grumbling at a cursed coin they reached as you started down the steps, “Now, we’ll cleanse it and you all gather it up.”

Kili muttered, “We should find some buckets…”

Who then looked at Fili and then to Hermione when she said, “She’s talking to the Nifflers.”

Fili crouched down asking, “Niffler? How can this little-,” at that a spotted niffler jumped up and started to burrow into his jacket only to have your wand out halting his actions saying, “we do not steal from our friends.”

In a whine the creature released the hilt of the dagger he’d already pulled the sheathed blade on it into his pouch. Fili’s mouth dropped open, “Hey!” Taking the dagger back and you lowered the niffler and closed the door while Fred set a barrier up on the entrance so they couldn’t go farther into the mountain. In Hermione’s giggle Fili couldn’t help but grin and join her on the steps while she brought out a set of parchment and a quill she enchanted for the official inventory. Then passed a second quill and piece of parchment for Thorin to write to his family, a letter then sent off with an eager large Raven who had been following you all since your entrance.

Curiously while you and the men let out cleansing spells into the gold the Nifflers slid down the steps then began to fill their pouches astounding the Elves and Dwarves before their waddle over to the twins filling series of see through chests they filled and marked the quantity on by gently shaking the Nifflers empty. The amusement of the Nifflers never seemed to cease for the children in the circle of Elves while Thorin and Balin made a trip to the library for the hall of records to complete their end of the bargain.

Upon their return, the hall had been sorted and sluggishly you slumped onto your father’s back feeling a vast depletion of your newfound energy that had been drained drastically yet again by the vast amount of hiding spells you were enforcing against your hopes for it lasting longer. “Up you get Pumpkin.” He said grabbing your legs to carry you piggy back up the steps.

All heads turned to Molly and her large grin holding a plate of rolls she passed out to you all. Accepting each grateful thanks with her usual head nod as Fred and George took the exhausted Nifflers back to Hogwarts after Thorin had smiled as they clung to the gold coins he had offered them in return for their impressive sorting skills. Holding her empty tray Molly said, “We found the large kitchen on this floor, got a dinner started and Arthur is helping the girls set the tables.” Her eyes scanned over to Thorin, “I hope you don’t mind. We heard there was some sorting and there’s been an awful lot of traveling and popping about..”

Thorin chuckled softly lowering his roll from his pleased bite, “We don’t mind. Thank you in fact for remembering food.”

She smiled, shrugging, “I’m the Mum, it’s what I do.” Guiding the group towards the wafting scents from food as the Elves stole a glance back at you.

Into the seat offered you were settled and grinned at Molly. Seeing Tauriel holding Em after her hair had been grabbed to inspect one of her braids and lowered into the high chair summoned from your home beside Teddy, who had latched onto Ellohrir’s arm in his try to get up without him after their playing together. Estel grinned in a chair of his own beside the pair with your father beside him while your head turned finding the King settling in the chair on the right of Glorfindel, who seemingly had stolen the empty chair on your right. A silent challenge hadn’t gone unnoticed between the two making you face forward to lift your glass bottle pretending to ignore the smirks on the faces of the men in your family around you. The subtle purple wine cooler you sipped on in the first of a round of elated toasts and cheers brought from your home helped to ease your taste buds for the hearty meal.

A glance at his mother’s glass had Ron stepping straight into a night of puzzled stares in his discovery of him soon having another younger sibling to look forward to. Questions through the meal were briefly answered by the Lord on your right and glances at the King already looking at you brought on questions for you in return from him. This lasted until Thorin cleared his throat in noticing the time and stood, “Miss Black, we owe you a great deal, you and your people. For now I believe it best we call it a night, allow you to rest before your first class in the morning. I would like to give you these,” he said accepting the stack of pages bound in a leather cover Ori lifted from a table off to the side, “All our records on Dale including the ownership documents. As promised Dale is yours. We cannot wait to see what you do with it.”

Hermione popped up to accept the pages in your place and joined you all in heading through your doorway, against their wish to sleep in the mountain with your ring in his possession Thorin accepted your offer to continue dwelling in your home a bit longer until supplies could be gathered for him and his men. Gladly Dwalin was the first to return with Lulu to put her into her bed for the night as you took Em to do the same beside Remus. Up for a while unable to sleep your father and Regulus sat up with the Elves to take them to their homes later on while you went off to bed.

Along with those papers for Dale Hermione and Neville had sifted through were rough copies of maps of the Grey Mountains and an impossibly vague layout of what was known of the kingdom of Angmar. Alongside Draco while you slept they worked up a better image of how things could be laid out. And when you woke again Draco had already gotten a great deal of his first draft on a possible model for how Dale would be set up. Having spent the entire time stroking his finger against the opal coated ring he accepted watch over from the twins after their having shielded the city and made a full copy of its layout.

Around the breakfast table you were pleased to not have an ambush waiting for you only to sigh at Regulus’ saying, “We are having guests after you’re off work.”

“Do I even have to ask?”

Regulus chuckled and in feeding Em your father said, “I might have let slip we were possibly resettling tonight. They were wishing to see it for themselves if you don’t mind, Pumpkin?”

With a shrug you answered, “Why not?”

Between classes your mind lingered on the sketch of the lands you had claimed. Through your doorway Fred and George had gone ahead with Draco to fly over it and set up a basic sketch of where everything would be set. The clear locations for your home and that of Malfor Manor and the Hollow were settled in a circle of hilly paths in between each vast plot of land they contained. Around those the Tonks household and those from among the Death Eaters and Order of the Phoenix on the other side of Godrick’s Hollow. The opposite end of the vast stretch of land would house Hogwarts and Hogsmeade complete with Black Lake. Between them for the time being you would settle the structures to be sent to Dale once the design was finalized making up a temporary home for Diagon Alley for the time being.

An odd addition you knew might come up to ease the use of your enchanted doorway was sketched up by you and around a lone hill near to your circle of homes was a series of curved stone staircases. Under each staircase were a trio of arches that could be linked to different kingdoms later on, all connecting up to a platform at the top of the hill with a colored glass statue of a dragon under a glass dome held up by connected arches to allow stargazing or views off into the distance.

The sketch was sent out and agreed upon by everyone in your circle while word was sent through Minerva alerting everyone of the need to evacuate the school at six pm, those classes for the day would be waived for the day to ease the transition to the school’s new home. Dumbledore still kept his distance from you trying to settle to the fact of who you had freed while pondering why. But all through the school one thing rang clear, a name had been chosen by the children and teens for the new lands housing homes and the school, Pumpernickel.

Five pm had you atop Opal’s snout with your group around you eyeing the area you were to leave your home. Vast stretches of hills with winds whipping between them casting waves of snow to cascade through them with nothing to stop them until they naturally found a bank for the snow to form inside of. Down on the ground the Elves stared up open mouthed eyeing Opal glittering in the flickers of sunlight through the clouds freeing snow down around you coating your hair and billowing sweater on the breeze.

After everyone inside had emptied with only the house Elves inside refusing to leave to ensure nothing fragile was broken the stunning size of the near palace sized squared Black Family Manor was set out with its white blue accented exterior under its protective bubble now allowing soft snow to fall through it to coat the gardens below. Malfoy Manor was next and tucked into its own safe bubble while your family and friends filed back into the house to get out of the cold.

The Hollow was set next and seemingly welcomed the snow to freeze the marsh and lake around the back of it earning a giddy squeak from Molly, who hugged your father as Arthur now had hold of Em and Teddy and was telling them a story elatedly. The hug was gladly returned in a chuckle from Sirius and joined in on by the rest of the Weasleys around her. Godrick’s Hollow followed after and the remaining houses after relaxing you a tad.

The Wizarding City buildings set for Dale, both muggle born and magical alike were let out next into small spiraling suburbs to weave between the hills with cheering Wizards and Witches waving up at you and your group in gratitude filing back into their homes and buildings.

Waves of eager voices spread through the school as everyone gathered the infants and toddlers to carry out into Rivendell, with Elrond’s permission to keep them safe and warm in the resettling already easing the strain on you with less bodies to weigh the school down.

All while the curious Elves there stood with lips parted seeing the hundreds children were left to your care and without families of their own on top of the hundreds of younger students among them. The elder students and teens living in the school for protection filed into the lands around your guests choosing to rough the cold to witness the transition.

In a ripple of languages bringing the Elf Lords to realize just how vast the people you had collected actually was all shared what was going on in a flurry of translation guides and chains of teens to spread the word through shared languages in groups until everyone understood what was happening and what still had to be done.

The massive school and lake came into view from the expanding orb and were planted within your new borders with special barriers of reinforced strips of land to keep Black Lake separate from the rivers around the lands protecting the creatures within. The school settled as an island again off on its own with only the bridge tracks from Hogsmeade station to connect it to the rest of the lands to continue its imagined seclusion to be continued in these new lands. Of course with the Forbidden Forest stretching out as close to its former boundaries as possible though a set of hills surrounded by mini waterfalls required to shift a section you had earlier cleared for shifting from the Centaurs and Acromantulas who held claim over that small sliver. In a shimmering ripple the school at once flickered in their eyes at least as an old set of ruins in a swamp with warning signs around it.

Celeborn asked Thorin on his left, “Is that how my lands will appear? Ruins or a swamp?”

Behind him your Father stated, “No.” The Elf Lord jumped earning a smirk from him behind his mug, using it to hide the reaction as he claimed a sip of his tea, “It only appears like that on the schools to keep Non Magical creatures out. Old spell, came with the castle, refuses to change.” Earning a relieved sigh from the Elf Lord when the spell’s effect faded from their sights simply revealing the school and lands in all its glory now filling with snow while the curious creatures within exited to steal a glimpse of their new lands around their territory.

The last touch, while the cheering students and teens filed back into the school Dumbledore created a bridge for them to cross the body of water around it to get back inside, were the sets of arches Opal landed by that your father led the Elven and Dwarven groups over to through your doorway.

Peering up at the arches curiously while Opal landed the Elves commented on the statue up top and the construction of the odd structure they did not understand the use of until you hopped down off of Opal’s snout and grinned saying. “So, I had a thought, you all are friends, and it is a bit absurd to have to travel two weeks to invite one another to dinner, or having to find one of us in passing to borrow my doorway, so I am offering this.” Their eyes shifted to the arches you pointed at, “Each arch could be used as a doorway of your own. If you agree I could form arches in a bare stretch of garden or forest so you can travel to and fro whenever you fancy.”

In the tick of your brow upwards Thranduil stated, “I for one think it is a marvelous idea. I can already place the proper location in the main gardens for arches to link our lands with yours. As for connecting the Elven and Dwarven lands perhaps we might compromise with a link through Dale when you might rebuild it.”

Thorin nodded, “I agree.” His eyes looked over your face and he asked, “How far can your doorways link?”

“How far would you want them to?” You asked in a smirk making him smirk back.

“The Blue Mountains, my kin have a keep there, where we traveled from back near the Shire. To connect that and Erebor would be incredible if possible, travel between our lands would be far safer than facing months across Middle Earth. Then there is the Iron Hills, two weeks farther West.”

Smoothing your palms together in the joint agreement of the Elves you said, “Alright, let me set up these Lords first then we can make a trip to Erebor for yours.” Earning a nod from him. Reaching up your eyes locked with the King’s in the tap of your glowing fingers to his uninjured cheek as he focused his mind on the area he planed for the arches. Of which you linked in a spiral pattern of solid pillared stone. All with cutouts from top to bottom laced with growing vines of flowers branching up to a statue of a sleeping fawn at the feet of a proudly stanced Elk above its child with a statue of the doe inside the arches made of stained glass with small hung lanterns in waves above her, similar to fireflies in the distance.

Celeborn was next with a trio of statues around a wiggling line of stone arches rising and falling while in spirals formed of stained glass with lanterns between lighting the stained glass swan statues awing the Elves drawing nearer to them in wonder.

Rivendell was last with the most simplistic, around a joining of small streams with little use from his people bridges would link on a platform above holding the arches with lanterns of glowing ships between them lighting the vines of flowers coating the roof and pillars forming the arches.

Your structure held a link to Hogsmeade and Erebor alike, the latter was your destination while Charlie and the Dragon team let some of the more restless Dragons from the breeding grounds out for some flight time inside your borders fully agreeing not to cross them as they eased learning that their new permanent home was coming soon. Snow gently fell and under the giant protective dome now covering these lands you stood easing the ring for it into Minerva’s palm. Her grin split a bit wider in her path back to the school through your doorway easing the ring onto her finger while you joined the others through to Erebor.

Pt 8

#HP Crossover

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nikkisnonsense-blog1 · 4 years

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To Myself... Three Months Ago

Dear Nikki,

Hey girl, I come to you not bearing the greatest of news. These next few months are going to be some of the hardest of your life so far. I really hate to be the one to tell you this but I feel like we’re close enough that we can be honest with each other. Well I’m not gonna waste anymore time because there’s a lot I need to get you up to speed on. Let’s make this a list of 8 things for organization sake.

1. The musical you’ve been directing for the past few months will not be happening

You and your friend/ music director, Joe have been wearing out the phrase “I can’t believe the show is happening!” for the past few months. Sadly, that’s not the case. Sure, sometimes you wanted to rip your hair out due to frustration or cried in your car because you didn’t think you were doing a good enough job. But underneath it all, I know you had put more work into this show than you have for anything else in your life. You knew the possibility of the show being canceled was there but it was only something that you joked about in rehearsal with your cast. It could never become a reality. The day you find out, you won’t cry much. Which is weird. If anything you don’t feel much at all. The next day your cast will do an amazing concert style performance of the show instead which people will rave to you about and it genuinely makes you feel good for a moment. But it isn’t until after that’s over that it actually begins to set in. When everyone else starts to move on You’ll stare at the box of props that sits in your kitchen for months and feel a weird form of uneasiness. You were told by everyone that any frustration you feel would be worth it when the curtain opens. But what do you do when the curtain never opens? You’re forced to sit with the disappointment and sadness of an unfinished project. You think about all of the fun things you would have gotten to do with your cast and crew and how proud of yourself you would have been after the shows. That’s when you cry.

2. The second half of your last college semester will be taken away

Besides the Musical, you will also be missing out on plenty of other events at school. Your spring concert, trip to NYC, your roommate’s senior art show, your girlfriend’s comedy show, any theatre in the area, drunken nights with your friends, and most importantly, Graduation. Ah yes, the very thing that your entire life has been waiting on. At least that’s how it feels. You remember when you were little and traveled to upstate New York and Boston for your cousins’ graduations and how big of a deal they were. Or watching your parents tear up at your sister’s graduation. Not having been the best student in school, you were shocked you even made it this far. A day that was going to be a monumental experience for you and so many others has just been pushed to a further date. Like a dentist appointment. That day hurts the most. When I tell my parents how upset I am, they assure me “You’ll still have a graduation!” but you know it won’t be the same. You get mad at the world because of it and feel like stomping your feet on the ground and yelling “It’s not fair!” like a child. But you know that wouldn’t do any good.

3. You’re going to gain weight

As someone who has had body images their whole life, I know this sounds like an absolute nightmare. And it kind of is. It’s kind of inevitable wen you can’t leave your house anymore, you rely on Door Dash a little too much, The gym is closed, and you really have no motivation to do anything. Stretch marks will appear in new places, shirts that once fit perfectly will be snug, and certain clothes you used to feels sexy in, just make you feel like a fool. It’s so important to remind yourself that your body is changing because your lifestyle is changing. It’s going to drive you wild for a while but I promise you it is not the end of the world. Also your girlfriend assures you she still finds you beautiful in any state.

4. You move back in with your parents

You’re fortunate enough to have the last 2 months in your apartment to quarantine with your roommates and your girlfriend which is like a weird stretch of time where there are no rules and you feel like a Sim without a task. Then before you know it, your lease is up and your parents come up and help move you out of your apartment. Now I know you’re thinking that sounds like a nightmare but living with Mom and Dad is not as awful as you imagined. They treat you like an adult, give you your space, and dad only makes you watch one video he finds online a day as opposed to his usual 5. Theres also a bulk size container of cheese sticks from Costco so you decide this place isn’t too bad. Moving home is surprisingly the best you’ve felt all year. Your mental health is getting better which is a god sent considering how miserable you’ve been. So there is a silver lining

5. Finding work is IMPOSSIBLE

You’ll find yourself comparing yourself to when your sister finished college and found work and an apartment almost immediately. Even though she’s in a different field and graduated 3 years ago when the world was a much different place, you still compare yourself. Indeed and Ziprecruiter become your best friends but they clearly don’t like you back very much because your responses are limited. The closest you get to a job is an insurance agency that would offer you $65,000- $85,000 a year. Maybe it’s just the Jew in you, but those numbers got you very excited, so you apply. They decide they’re interested in you and schedule you for a virtual interview. You’ve also read the job description 100 times and still have no god damn idea what you would be doing. During the Interview, the man asks you if you have any doubts and you say “maybe a few due to my lack of experience” but in your head you’re thinking “What the fuck am I doing. I have a degree in Theatre and I’m trying to get a job selling insurance. Would this job even make me the tiniest bit happy besides the paycheck?” The man tells you that he would like to offer you the job to which you graciously say thank you. As soon as you hang up the zoom call, you immediately burst into tears. Frustrated and sad that the only job you have gotten close to is one you don’t even want. The jobs you do want, in the arts and media, are not hiring right now and if they are it’s for people with 5+ years of experience. You’ve applied to over 50 jobs at this point and the only ones that have gotten back to you sound dreadful. You learn that no paycheck is worth a lifetime of sadness. You email the man back saying thank you, but you cannot accept the job.

6. The world is full of awful people

This may seem like an exaggeration at first especially because I- uh I mean you, are generally a pretty optimistic person. You may have severe depression, but you still usually see the glass half full. But even the blindest of optimists can’t deny the world looks pretty shit right now. Besides the pandemic, Black people are being murdered left and right by police for no reason. Something that certainly isn’t a new phenomenon but has now been amplified to new heights and has brought out the rage in people. You do what you can to help in these times. Protesting, donating, sharing online, signing petitions but it never feels like enough. You will continue to raise your voice about Black Lives Mattering and hope for change. Acknowledging your white privilege and trying to listen to the voices of others. As much as you personally try to help out, you end up seeing the ugly that comes out as well. Especially in your 92.9% white small town.

7. Pride will be different this year

The yearly celebration of going to Pride in Philadelphia with rainbow shadow on your eyes, glitter in your hair, and a water bottle full of vodka and gatorade have now been replace with anger and a yearning for justice. The LGBT community would be nothing without Black activists backing it. The Stonewall Riots were led by a Black Trans Woman. So you do your part to amplify black voices as a part of pride. Because right now is not the time to take shots and dance to Whitney Houston.

8. You’re not the only one feeling this way

Even though life is a bit of a shit show right now, it’s so important to remind yourself that you are not the only one experiencing these things. None of your friends know what the hell they’re doing either. Everyone is just scared shitless of the state of the world and is trying their best. Please take some of the pressure off yourself. You are only a person and it’s unrealistic to put these standards on yourself. The world today is a completely different world than it was 3 months ago. As for the months to come, I have absolutely no idea what to expect. You’d have to ask 6 months from now Nikki but I haven’t met her yet. The world will not be the same as it was before but I promise you, there is a new normal somewhere beyond the horizon.

Take care of yourself,

Present Day Nikki

Ps. You are going to adopt a baby tortoise named Harley and he will be the light of your life. He will make life just a bit more bearable.

Pss.

Here are links to help the Black Lives Matter movement

#blog #lgbt #college grad #college #personal #nikkis nonsense

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my-emotional-self · 5 years

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Forever Ago Chapter 9

Pairings: Chris Evans x OFC

Warnings: Angst, Swearing, Fluff

Summary: After losing touch with your childhood best friend after graduation, he comes crashing back into your life 15 years later. The feelings you’ve had for him never left you. But do you forgive him for all those years he ignored you? Or do you decide he lost his chance with you for good?

After opening up to Chris and letting him know how you had felt, to say you were relieved would have been an understatement. It was like a weight had been lifted off your shoulders; years of heaviness suddenly gone as the words tumbled from your mouth.

But there was something else you couldn’t quite believe; Chris had felt the same way about you. Once he told you about how he started gaining feelings for you right before your parents’ car accident, you didn’t know what to believe.

You had cried, that was for sure. Yet you didn’t know if they were tears of happiness, or sadness. Because of that, you told Chris you needed some time to think about things as he was more than willing to jump straight into a relationship with you as he said his feelings for you never ceased. The only problem was that you had spent years trying to forget him; wanting him out of your life for the way he ignored you for so long.

Two days after your talk, you were sitting on the porch of your house; admiring the expanse greenery of the yard. While you loved New York City and the busyness of it all, this would always be home to you. But now you were ready to sell the home you lived in growing up; the home you shared with your parents; the home where you first met Chris.

There was a slight wind as you curled a thick blanket around your body; your feet tucking up under you as you relaxed with your thoughts, trying to decide what to do about you and Chris. On one hand, he had been your best friend since kindergarten and you knew most relationships that started out as friends first, were usually the ones to survive. But on the other hand, a few years after the two of you went to college, it was as if you didn’t exist in his life anymore. No more phone calls, texts or emails; nothing. It broke your heart and pulled you into a deep functioning depression that took years to break out of; you most certainly didn’t want to go down that road again.

The soft hum of the bristling leaves made your body calm and relaxed, but thinking about everything made your head hurt. In the distance you heard the sound of a barking dog. At first it was quiet, far away, but the barking grew louder until you saw a dog run around the corner and straight to you. It was a tan dog with white on its chest, belly and paws.

“Well aren’t you just the cutest thing,” you cooed as you took the blanket from your arms so you could pet the dog.

“Dodger!” the familiar voice of Chris broke through the quiet in the backyard. Snapping your head up you saw Chris running around the corner and coming to a stop; relief flooding his face when he saw you with the dog.

“He’s yours?” you asked, brows furrowed.

Chris was breathing deeply as he nodded his head. He walked over to you and Dodger. “He was with Scott out in Los Angeles. They both arrived here late last night. I was taking him for a walk and the little bugger got off his leash and zipped off like a damn racecar.”

You couldn’t help but chuckle, wishing you had been able to witness it yourself. Dodger laid his head on your lap, tongue hanging out as you happily scratched behind his ears. “He’s adorable Chris,” you spoke honestly, leaning down to give Dodger a kiss on his forehead; his hair tickling your nose.

“I got him while filming a movie. We were shooting a scene in a shelter and when I realized that all the dogs were not actually actor dogs and were available for adoption, well, the second I saw him I knew I had to save him.” Your heart melted listening to the story of how Chris met Dodger.

Chris came over and sat down on the chair next to you, watching as your fingers disappeared into the thick fur of his dog. Dodger’s fur was so soft and you couldn’t get enough of it. You had always wanted a dog, but your dad was allergic to them and by the time you moved into your own place, there just wasn’t enough room for a dog to run around and be happy.

Dodger seemed to have enough of your attention for the moment and trotted around the backyard aimlessly; his tail wagging happily. Chris cleared his throat next to you, causing you to turn your head to face him. It never ceased to amaze you how breathtakingly handsome he was, which made it harder to make your decision.

“Not to sound like a stalker or anything,” Chris began to say, making you chuckle, “but I saw a large vehicle here yesterday. It looked like they were dropping off pictures or something like that.”

You cast your gaze down at your hands as they fidgeted on your lap. “Yeah, umm, they are my photography pictures. I finally had them developed and framed and I wanted to see them as soon as possible so I had them delivered here.”

Chris knew you were a photographer, but he thought you just photographed celebrities for photoshoots and that was it. “Can-can I see them?” he asked.

You looked at him, his eyes hopeful and you gave him a soft smile. “Sure.”

The two of you, along with Dodger, walked into your house and you led him to the living room where all the prints were at.

His mouth parted at the sight before his eyes. There in front of him, were large prints of the most beautiful photographs he had ever seen. There were pictures of flowers, of the ocean, a deserted road and of trees and forests and animals.

You stared at Chris nervously, trying to gage his reaction. “What-what do you think?” you asked hesitantly.

His eyes continued to scan through the pictures before landing on you. “Jessica they are breathtaking,” he spoke sincerely; a hand to his heart. His reaction made your eyes water with affection as the man you had always truly loved, was admiring your greatest accomplishments. “I had no idea you did this kind of photography.”

You felt your cheeks heat up at his admiration. “It’s more of a hobby I guess,” you replied with a shrug.

Chris turned to you and grasped your face gently in his hands. “Jess this is not what I would consider a hobby. These,” he gestured to the photographs, “are a work of art. And the world deserves to see how talented you are.” Tears sprung to your eyes as Chris readily wiped them away with his thumbs.

“Do you mean that?” you asked with a shaky voice; your chin quivering.

He smiled and nodded his head. “These are without a doubt the best pictures I have ever seen. I wouldn’t lie to you Jess.”

Your heart clenched at his words. You knew for a fact he would never lie to you, but he still tossed you out of his life when his acting career began. With a sigh, you decided it was time to talk about everything and lay it all out on the table.

“Will you come over tonight so we can talk about everything? I-I was going to cook some dinner and I think it’s about time we talk.”

Chris’s face showed guilt, obviously from what happened in the past, but he was more than willing to sit down and talk things through with you finally. “I’d love to Jess. What time?”

With a sniffle, you shrugged your shoulders. “Around 7?”

He gave you a soft smile, nodding his head. Leaning forwards he placed his lips to your forehead for a tender kiss. “I’ll be here.”

~~~

Later that night you were busying yourself around the kitchen, getting ready for Chris to come over for dinner and talking. You plated the steak and vegetables on the plates and placed them on the table in the kitchen just as the doorbell rang.

Chris was standing at the door with a bouquet of flowers in hand and a bottle of wine in the other. A smile graced your lips as you took the flowers from him, inhaling the delicious scent. “Their beautiful Chris, thank you.”

Dinner was a quiet affair; the two of you too busy being hungry to do much talking. Luckily the wine helped you relax as you were nervous for this big talk with Chris. You clearly knew what he wanted, but you were still torn about what to do.

Chris helped you clear off the table and clean up. Afterwards you both grabbed your glasses and the bottle of wine and headed into the living room. Sitting on the couch, you saw Chris admiring your photos yet again.

“So,” Chris began, taking a sip of his wine, “you know what I would like out of this. I want a relationship with you Jess. I feel like I screwed this up back in high school when I didn’t pursue you.”

Letting out a heavy sigh, you cast your gaze down at your lap. “You hurt me Chris. All those years I was trying to figure out what I did wrong to make you want me out of your life. And when I finally came to the conclusion that I didn’t do anything wrong, I decided to just try and forget about you.” You snuck a peak at him and you saw him nod his head at your words. He knew he was wrong with what he did and he wished he could take it all back. “It was hard at first. I grew very depressed, knowing I lost my best friend. But over time I was able to forget you as much as I could. Then you came waltzing back into my life at Sebastian’s party and my feelings for you came bubbling up to the surface again. I just-I just don’t know what to do.”

Chris got up from his chair and kneeled in front of you. He grabbed your hands with his as his eyes were pleading. “I know I fucked this up Jess. I’m so fucking sorry. I was a stupid kid in the entertainment world and I lost who I really was. I can’t believe how stupid I was back then. I didn’t care about anything or anyone’s feelings, least of all yours. I can’t regret enough how I treated you and I don’t blame you one bit if you never forgive me.” Chris had tears in his eyes and because you had known him so long, you knew they were sincere; your own tears emerging at your eyes.

It was a constant battle with your brain and your heart; tearing you in two directions. It was everything you wanted, to be with Chris since you were in high school. But then he moved away, and everything changed. It was as if you meant nothing to him; causing your life to spiral out of control. What would happen if he were to do that again?

“But-but what if you decided you didn’t want to be with me after we started dating? What would happen to us then? Would you just ignore me again? Because I don’t know if I could handle that again Chris.”

Chris shook his head quickly. “It wouldn’t happen baby. I know what I want. I don’t want some actress to date. I don’t want anybody in the lime light. I want you. I want somebody who I’ve loved since I was a teenager. I want somebody who feels like home and that person is you.”

Your tears were cascading down your cheeks as Chris spoke; your heart hanging onto his every word. You wanted to believe him, to give him a chance to prove himself to you. But you were terrified of what was to happen if things didn’t work out.

Tag List: @badassbaker @guera31 @princess-evans-addict @tanelle83 @xjjlex @chrisevansfanfic @joannie95 @pumbibaby @patzammit @brastrangled @mrs-captain-evans @notyourtypicalrose @sfreeborn @esoltis280 @xxloki81xx @bornfortherainydays @jinoraskies @poerebel @livslookingforloki

#chris evans #chris evans fanfic #chris evans fanfiction #chris evans x ofc #chris evans x you #chris evans x reader #chris evans x y/n #chris evans imagine #chris evans one-shot #steve rogers #steve rogers fanfic #steve rogers fanfiction #steve rogers one-shot #steve rogers imagine

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minotaurman-ayjay · 4 years

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Do not drink and drive

This post details the car accident that I survived.

It will be about how the accident occurred.

What happened to me (Injuries, Court).

What happened to the drunk driver (Prosecution)

and where I am, now.

TW: graphic details of car accident trauma, pictures of x-rays (when I get them). Details of out-of-body experience, and potential glimpse on the afterlife.

In 2015, I had just bought a brand new car, a black and gunmetal grey Volkswagen CC. I loved that car, and I was going to treat it like it was my baby. I bought the big, thick manual that details every part of the car so I can fix it myself if I ever need to.

I didn’t even have the car for more than 3 months.

I was at an intersection, about to go north (one way) on an entrance ramp to the highway. I saw these headlights coming toward me. I didn’t think anything of it at first until I remembered “Wait a minute, this is one way.” Before I could finish that thought, he had collided head-on with me. “Why didn’t you react earlier? You knew you were on a one-way street.” Let me tell you, even though you *know* you’re on a one-way street, to see headlights coming at you is confusing. It’s disorienting, and usually it’s way too late when you remember that YOU’RE the one going the right way, and this motherfucker is about to hit you.

He was in a huge pickup truck called a “dually”, it’s a pickup truck that has a set of two wheels in the back and has a hell of a lot of horsepower.

When he collided with me, his truck went over my car, nearly crushing me in the process. One of his tires was about 3 inches away from my face.

I was pinned under the dashboard, I had lost consciousness. I vaguely remember someone holding my hand and saying “It’s going to be okay. Just stay with me.“ I had an out-of-body experience, I saw myself getting extracted out of the car. I was pretty beat up, my face was scuffed up and bloody from the scrapes of the airbag hitting me. When I was pulled out of the car, my limbs were listless like noodles. I remember seeing my legs… My feet, in particular. Both of my ankles were dislocated, and my hip was dislocated and it looked like it was nearly coming out of my skin.

This is where my out-of-body experience ends. I briefly regained consciousness in the ambulance, I don’t remember if I had an exchange with the EMTs or anything like that, because soon I had fallen asleep again.

Then I remember waking up at this house that I had never seen before. There were people everywhere, music being blared, it looked like a party. I approached the door and my friend Evan, who had died several years before in an accident where he was killed by drunk driving, was at the door with is arms crossed.

I’ll never forget this shocked expression on his face as he asked me "What the hell are you doing here?” and I was like “What are you talking about? You invited me.” He scoffed “Like hell I did, man. Go back home. You’re not supposed to be here.” I thought he was just being an asshole, and we were always confrontational with each other… But it’s all in jest. I posted up to him and said “Fuckin make me, man.”, and then he shoved me.

The shove was so realistic, so jarring, so violent that I had fallen backwards— and then I woke up in the hospital, and according to my mother I was on my way to Radiology to get xrays when I came to. I don’t know if I caught a glimpse of some afterlife, or if I was dreaming, but it was very real. My mom knows that I almost died, and watched me fight for my life.

Anyway, they had to restrain me because the drugs that they had given me made me combative. I was taken to the hospital where my mom works, as it was the closest hospital to the accident scene. She was also on duty that day, and for her to see me like that *had* to have been traumatizing to her.

Apparently I continued to go in and out of consciousness, and when I finally came to for good, I was in the ICU.

The moment I woke up, I felt this whole body pain, like an elephant was sitting on me. Not just my chest, but my whole body felt crushed under this gigantic weight. It was so much pain that it literally felt like weight, like I had woken up on a different planet and the gravity was crushing me. I begged and begged and begged for pain relief, I couldn’t breathe. My mom put the morphine control in my hand and told me to press it. I clicked that thing probably 4 or 5 times. It probably only worked once, but by then I didn’t care. I was so divided from the pain that it didn’t matter anymore.

My mom told me what happened, and what my damage was.

1) I had brain damage and a severe concussion. I was monitored in the ICU for 3 days to make sure I didn’t have a brain bleed they couldn’t detect. (I can’t remember the details of the brain damage). I had to relearn words, I had to relearn how to talk without stuttering or forgetting what I was saying mid-sentence, or having a word just disappear on me. This still happens from time to time.

2) My sternum had been displaced. Meaning it was fractured and pushed inward. Had my sternum been pushed in any further, I would have died. To this day, I still live with this. Because of this I cannot bind. I still cannot afford the surgery necessary to reposition my sternum.

3) My hip was so severely dislocated that it broke the acetabulum. This is the socket that cradles the ball joint in your hip. I still live with hip complications to this day. Because of this dislocation and the missing piece of acetabulum, I have degenerative osteoarthritis in my hip. I am a fall risk without a cane. I need a hip replacement, but surprise, I cannot afford the surgery.

4) Both of my ankles were dislocated and had bilatural fractures… Which means I had fractures on both sides of both ankles. One of the ankle bones was crushed beyond repair. I needed rods, plates, screws, and a bone graph. I still live with ankle complications to this day. Because of the surgeries and extensive injuries, I have degenerative osteoarthritis in my ankles. If I am to be on my feet or walking for more than an hour, I need to wear boots that are high topped to support my ankles. The drunk driver’s insurance was able to cover these surgery… However, as it became apparent over the years that I needed more surgeries and had more complications because of the MVA, it turned out that the drunk driver had changed auto insurance companies. Since America is the Greatest Country In The World™, health insurance providers DO NOT COVER INJURIES THAT ARE A RESULT FROM CAR ACCIDENTS. You have to go through the at-fault party’s Auto Insurance to get your bills paid. However, SOME health insurance companies WILL temporarily cover what is needed and will go after the at-fault party’s health insurance on your behalf.

But since this fucking shit smear changed insurance companies, I am absolutely fucked, and I can’t track him down to sue him.

5) I have damage to my eardrum. Luckily, it was not punctured by the force of the airbag hitting the right side of my face.

6) I have nerve damage in my knee (somehow? I don’t understand it, either) I can’t kneel on it. I either feel nothing (like the body part isn’t mine or something?) or excruciating pain when I try. There is no in between. Sometimes the nerve damage *itches like fuck*, but I cannot scratch it, as I will either feel nothing, or it will hurt.

7) I have nerve damage on the tops of my feet. I do not like it when my feet are touched. It causes electric shock feelings that travel to my ankle. It’s not pretty.

8) I have nerve damage in my face. I have Trigeminal Neuralgia that is secondary to trauma. Look at my “bloggy” tag to learn more about this.

9) I now have fibromyalgia. When it’s cold, or rainy, or if I’ve pushed myself too much, I will wake up the next morning feeling like I just came to in the ICU. Where I feel this full body pain that’s like an excruciating weight. Luckily, marijuana helps me with fibromyalgia and trigeminal neuralgia flare ups. I take a 2,000mg of gabapentin (spaced throughout the day) and 200mg of seroquil to manage them.

10) I have PTSD that is triggered by the smell of hot metal, the sound of circular saws, and by car accident scenes in movies. It took me forever to get over being gunshy in an intersection, and to even drive at all.

I was bedbound for 2 months, and wheelchair bound for 8 months. I was taking physical therapy and speech therapy for a year before my restitution to cover it had run out.

Needless to say, my quality of life had taken a drastic decline, compared to me pre-accident. Before the accident, I was in shape again. I was gaining muscle and I was close to meeting what I call my “healthy dad-bod” goals. I was going to go to police academy that year, but that was because I wanted to be an investigator for the Crimes Against Children Unit. I’ve had to reshape my future entirely. At the end of it all, my bills were $110,000. Luckily, I only had to pay $10,000 out of pocket, and that’s *LUCKILY*

So, what happened to the drunk driver?

The trial did not last long, he has been given 10 years probation (and straight to prison if he violates), mandatory rehabilitation, and to pay me restitution. Which had recently run out. I don’t know what has become of him, because as I said, I cannot track him down to sue him for my ongoing injuries.

If you are EVER considering driving while drunk, don’t fucking do it. Do not think you are invincible. Do not think it’s not going to happen to you. Do not think you’re not going to hurt someone. I don’t care if you are a “functioning alcoholic” or a “seasoned drinking veteran”, you WILL fuck up. This man that had hit me was 63 years old, and has probably been driving drunk for who knows how long. And once you DO fuck up, you are going to kill somebody. IF they DO manage to live through YOUR mistake, their life is changed *forever* and their quality of life will NEVER be the same again.

You are garbage the moment you sit in the driver’s side with booze in your blood.

#Do not drink and drive #drink responsibly #survivor #tw: car accident #bloggy

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ultrafuckinghatemylife-blog · 4 years

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you made a blog.... in 2020...?

So what is this... What did you just stumble upon.. Another weird girl venting about her problems online? Super original Susan! Well actually, these are tales of my problems. My name is Anna and you will surely get to know me, trust me. I will get into the why and what the purpose of the blog, but right now you’re about to read the regrettable, real moments of my old life. You’re gonna cringe at most, laugh at some, but really, we are going to grow together a lot. I hated my life, but I changed it. I created this blog because, at the lowest points of my life, I would’ve killed to have a blog like this to help me.

As you can see from my username and overall theme- I hated my life and was literally miserable in my own existence for several years. I hated every inch of my being. My appearance disgusted me, my own voice sent chills down my spin, there was nothing in my life that I “loved”. Everything was just there. I’ve heard this feeling as being in the passenger seat of your own life. I agreed but. this was like that and you weren’t given aux and the windows were up. I was in the midst of the era of my life I had deemed for myself “to be the beginning of what I’ve always wanted.” Yes, a four-year college. I had graduated from high school and had been admitted to my top college. I was in a good sorority (middle tier baby), made a friend group, lost some weight, and yet I was standing in the frat basement every weekend miserable. I know what you’re thinking - Honey, you just need another shot. That’s the issue, I could never shake the feeling of unfulfillment no matter how wasted, or high (just weed mom), or crossed I was. I promise you girlies I tried, trust me, shout out out to the fifth stall on my dorm floor. Now before I explain a little bit of my past that led me to the oddly wet floors frat basement floors of a university across the country, I would like to preface that I am in a very privileged place for having an identity crisis as my biggest issue. I am blessed to have lived a middle class lifestyle and do not take it for granted. Most issues will sound like first world problems- because they are. Others have it a lot lot worse, and I am aware some may read my so called issues and roll their eyes. Granted, these are still issues in my book and you’re on my blog so yeah.

My childhood was spent lusting after the High School Musical movies and romanticizing how high school would be for me. I very very quickly found out it was nothing of the sort. Now I wasn’t a weirdo, I wasn’t expecting the seniors to break into song during lunch but I wasn’t expecting to be bullied in my english class. This isn’t a sob story of bullying, but it is a layer in your life that does affect you in life, so it was worth mentioning. I hated the lack of control of my own life in high school, especially not being able to sleep in. I also wasn’t popular, or attractive... I was overweight and tall. A recipe for disaster dating wise in high school. By junior year, I hated every moment of high school. I didn’t go to football games, dances or anything. I skipped my senior prom. I was so unhappy with my life but thought the reason was my circumstance of high school. Things got worse- for respect of my family, and to have some personal things not shared, I won’t be going into details. I will describe the situation that happened from this point on as my trauma event. My trauma event occured my finals week of junior year. It flipped my life upside down, and we moved into my family friends house until the event could be controlled.

I spent my senior year at this house. In regards to the family friend, he won’t be named but I have great respect and gratitude for him for taking us in. In regards to the house, it was small as fuck and depressing. As senior year went on, I. just fell deeper and deeper down a depression hole. I was super gross honestly- inside and out. I hardly showered, brushed my teeth, ate shittily, never got out of bed and treated myself and others like shit. I also added into this depression concoction of lots of weed, which spiraled me even deeper. I switched between being depressed and manic episodes. I would act so compulsively and was just running numb 24/7. I couldn’t feel anything so I would stay up all night and sleep all day just for the brief head rush from waking up and drinking an energy drink. My depression altered my mindstate so severely it took control of my personality. I destroyed friendships and I even had a boyfriend (for two weeks :P) that I broke up with but then changed my mind all in one day. Needless to say, he broke up with my crazy ass a week after. I continued to do weird, compulsive actions because I only cared about myself. For example, I would call into work 20 minutes before to say I was sick and I wasn’t coming. I once quit and took it back an hour after. By the end of summer, gained weight, I had one friend, I was jobless, and left my house once a week. Can you say thriving… :) I wish this was the part of the story where I tell you guys leaving for college was when my life magically turned good.

At the time, I thought that the second I stepped foot onto college, I would immediately be confident, make friends, have straight A’s, and thrive. Well, that can’t really happen when you’ve been severely depressed and spent your summer in your dark, trashed bedroom. The depression was sucked out and replaced with anxiety. You know that feeling of the notification of a test grade being posted and you’re clicking it waiting for it load. I felt that way 24/7. I had the normal beginning college feeling of “I can’t make friends” and felt the pressure too but I did succeed in adopting a nicotine addiction. Something about being able to feel nothing will have you doing anything for that twenty-second head rush from a Juul rip. I experienced male attention for the first time and lost my virginity. I didn’t understand hook up culture, so I thought the situation was much deeper than it was so when he wasn’t interested else wise, I was crushed. The next thing I did was make out with his old roommate, and made him snapchat me to the guy. Trust me, I know how weird I was to do this. I did so many weird things with guys that any female with common sense would be like ???? but clearly I didn’t have common sense. I mooched off people for Juul rips, and to smoke weed, anything to not have to live in my own reality.

I’m writing this in the past tense, so keep in mind I never realized during any of this what role I was playing, I just deemed life bad. I finally realized how awful life seemed to me over winter break, I thought my only issue was my nicotine addiction. Quitting made life appeared brighter, but it led me to see my real life that I had hidden behind weed and nicotine. I realized nothing had changed from that dark bedroom Anna and Anna in college. I began to reflect over my life and all the moments I shared with you and more, I was literally shook. I was embarrassed and disgusted and I couldn’t believe I did that all and normalized it. “That wasn’t me,” I kept thinking. But who was I? And When was the last time I was that “normal self?” This sparked my self-help journey, that while I am only three months deep in, I am living happier than ever.

I wish I could tell you I fixed my life overnight, but its a long journey. My life was never the issue, I was. I was the villain in my own story. I started educating myself on how I could “fix” myself, and wanted to go to the root of the problem. This blog is your hotspot for how to fix yourself. If you are on here I’m guessing you hate your life too. To rip off the bandaid, You are your problem. But you can fix it! That’s what this blog is for.

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rwbyconversations · 5 years

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A retrospective look on the second half of Volume 6

Just over a month and a half ago, I did a retrospective on the first half of Volume 6- everything from Adam’s short up to The Grimm Reaper. Now in hindsight if I’d known the season was getting cut down an episode I’d have done the analysis a week earlier so it would be perfectly symmetrical, but life comes at you fast. I adored the first half of Volume 6 and still rank it as the best string of episodes quality wise that the show has ever had. It was very clear even early on that the crew over in Austin were going all out to prove that they knew what they were doing and could still create a stellar season of a show. I was confident at the time that the back half would stick the landing, and while it wasn’t as good as the first half, Volume 6′s second half still retains the quality that makes it one of the best volumes of the entire show and a standout piece of animation by any standards.

As such, this will be a review of every episode from Chapters 8 to 13, spoilers obviously will follow if you haven’t watched those.

Dead End- the stumbling block

So you know how I said in the retrospective for the first half of the volume that if chapter 8 was good than we’d get the longest uncut string of good episodes in all of RWBY? I’m pretty sure someone upstairs heard that and chose deliberately to make Chapter 8 the weakest episode of the season. There is good to be found here, but unfortunately every race has someone end up dead last and chapter 8 drew the short straw.

While the opening scene with Caroline and her minions is funny at first, it quickly drags on for too long and desperately needed another few goes with a weed-whacker to condense the scene. Barring setting up Corvodin as an obvious antagonist little is gained from the scene, especially given how much of the episode it consumes.

Jaune’s scene with Oscar remains... sketchy on a moral level, especially the accusation Jaune makes that Ozpin has been pretending to be Oscar the entire time. Jaune’s still not truly processed his grief over Pyrrha’s death and while I’m glad to see his anger at Ozpin return after it went missing in Volume 5, I think Jaune crossed the line when he decided to start manhandling Oscar. It’s also still really weird how outside of Yang and Weiss saying “Jaune!” with the concern you express when someone stubs their toe, no one actually runs over to pull Jaune off. It’s just a weird moment, I still don’t really like this scene or many of the defenses for it. Fuck’s sake, Oscar’s trembling like a leaf in a hurricane afterwards that stuff ain’t right.

Ruby’s scene with Maria is the real saving grace of the episode, especially since we finally got some solid information on the Silver Eyes, accompanied by some wonderful background music and cinematography. Maria really is one of the best characters in the show and it’s amazing how much audiences grew to love her in just one single year, so kudos to the writers, designers and actors for that. Maria’s Semblance is simple but neat, and you can actually go back and listen to the Maria vs Tock fight for their auditory trigger which is an insane attention to detail touch.

Also something I couldn’t fit in anywhere else; it’s sad but fairly realistic that Qrow falls right back off the wagon after the Corvodin meeting goes south.

Dead End has some quality to it, mostly in the back half with Maria and Ruby bouncing off each other wonderfully to create a great teacher-student dynamic, but the first half drags and is let down by an overly long intro before pouring gasoline on the fires of the anti-Jaune crowd.

Lost- The Refound Footing

Remember what I said in the first half of the volume retrospective, Em and Merc appearing is an instant thumbs up in my book. So an episode where they get half the episode to themselves, and even get to be in the thumbnail for the first time since Volume 3? Hoo boy, that’s a solid contender for episode of the season right there. And it nearly is, in all honesty. In fact, Lost’s only mis-step is how a part of it feels like the third act to a trilogy when we never saw the second part, but we’ll come back to that.

Mercury and Emerald’s scene is nothing short of breathtaking. There’s a lot of great lighting choices in this scene such as Emerald initially sitting in the darkness before rising and coming into the moonlit parts of the room after being confronted with her denial to believe that Cinder’s a monster, that lend the scene a bit of extra weight. Yuri and Katie are their usual amazing selves, especially since this is the first time either of them have been given some really meaty dialogue in a while.

Kerry had already teased content for Mercury was coming in the Reddit AMA, and we already knew the kick boi was sporting one of the darkest backstories of anyone in the show, but the curtain was uncovered here to make it absolutely obvious how much of a bastard Marcus Black was and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that interest in Mercury jumped up after this episode and the average theory on Team Jaded went from “Emerald will defect and Mercury will stay or die giving her a chance” to “Emerald and Mercury will leave as a group.”I also love how the Yang and Mercury foil status only continues to amplify, as now we have both of their fathers giving different advice and training in regards to their Semblances- Tai encouraged Yang to learn to control it and not to use it as a crutch unless she was sure it would finish the fight, while Marcus stole it so Mercury never got reliant in the first place.

Merc’s backstory is also making me salivate for when he finally gets to cut loose in a fight, since his two biggest fights- against Pyrrha and Yang- were him holding back, so Mercury fighting needing to worry about keeping his cover would be an insane fight. And if Cinder and Neo is any sign of the CRWBY’s skills with hand-to-hand fighting... yeah, Merc’s next bout will be something to look forward to. I also love that Merc spends this scene training his punches, showing that he’s covering his bases for the next time he gets to fight Yang or another brawler.

Emerald is still the best girl in this show. I love to hate how the music changes to a soft version of Cinder’s theme when Emerald explains why she’s backing Cinder, as if Emerald is twisting the music itself to make Cinder out to be the hero. Mercury bluntly telling her to stop living in fantasy land was a great moment that I’d been waiting years for, and “I’m sorry you didn’t have a mommy who loved you, but I had a father who hated me,” is just solid gold in writing.

I love how Merc’s smirk as he calls Emerald out on her denial just melts off his face because he cares enough to want Emerald to stop being delusional, but he’s not going to be nice about it.

Also can I just say Mercury, the whole “I think I’m right where I’m supposed to be” crap would work if literally every other one of your scenes this volume didn’t show you scared and clearly rethinking your life choices.

Tyrian’s tail upgrade is fine, but the real treat to his grand return is Tyrian playing psychoanalyist on Mercury and immediately calling bullshit on his above line- Merc’s only here because he’s been in a cycle of violence his whole life and is too afraid to leave it. The way he practically begs them to run because he called dibs on hunting them down is way too gleeful for my liking but given how Merc and Tyrian are two of my favorite villains right now, them finally getting to chat was a delight. I can’t wait until Volume 7 when we get to see Tyrian bounce off Watts without Mama Salem’s watchful eye.

OK I’m done talking about the best scene in the Volume. Now let’s talk about another great scene.

So first off I’d like to give my apprecation to the crew for making new Argus locals every episode we spend in it. It gives the city a lot more weight as a locale to see different streets and environs every week instead of prop recycling like a motherfucker. It gives Argus a lot more weight and makes it feel more lived-in than the few samey environments of Mistral that we got to see, and the streets are beautiful as a consequence. It also lets me play my new favorite spot, Spot The Emerald Clone!!

Jaune’s scene at the statue is a beautifully shot and acted scene, no complaints from me here and Forever Fall has already killed me and claimed my soul. I love how it calls back to the Volume 1 OP as well, and Miles and Jen kill it here. It’s on its own an amazing scene, but the wider problem is what sets it down. This is JN_R’s only scene this volume, and as a consequence it feels like it needs to include most all of their character beats since they won’t get the chance to otherwise- their mutual grief over Pyrrha is brought up, Nora tells Jaune to drop the suicidal tendencies he suddenly gained at Haven and Ren... is there. If JNR had more to do this volume I wouldn’t mind but this scene just gives the vibe of “JNR get one scene to develop and justify them staying to fight Salem and that’s it!” So nothing wrong with the scene itself, more the problem around it.

Finally we have Oscar’s sudden return. I think even if Chapter 8 hadn’t been the episode before the New Years break, fans wouldn’t have liked how this played out. Oscar really needs more character moments, especially after spending much of Volume 5 as just a fleshsack for Ozpin. Him going solo would have been a great way for Oscar to develop on his own and come to terms with his part to play in the war against Salem, maybe even have Ozpin or Ozma manifest and talk to him. Instead, he just goes and buys a new costume.

I still think Oscar lifted Qrow’s wallet for the record. And I still like his new outfit. The bandages give me Bungou Stray Dogs vibes.

So in this retrospective, I’ve been pointing out little moments for Ruby in each episode, moments where the writers pointedly have her take center-stage, even if just for a minute, to remind the audience that she’s the leader. Here, her moment is... fairly weak. Ruby’s inspirational speeches are never her strong suit, but her telling Qrow that they “didn’t need an adult” when he saved her from Tyrian back in V4 and Maria saved her from the Apathy just a few episodes ago is almost darkly comedic. Her quiet exasperation with Qrow when she finds him on the stairs is a much more understated moment that landed for me. Her hero worship for Qrow has been pretty much shattered at this point and now she’s just tired of his crap.

Lost is just an amazing episode. Mercury and Emerald are easily the most interesting characters in the series for me, this episode gives us more sights of Argus, the statue scene is wonderful and now I have the mental image of Oscar lifting Qrow’s wallet to go stress shopping as my favorite headcanon of the volume. Ruby’s speech is a little phoned in but it’s still a decent ending to a fantastic episode, and it’s easily my favorite episode in the entire season as a consequence.

Stealing From The Elderly- Most Apt Name For An Episode 2K19

The Argus Battle episodes all vary in quality- while none of them are outright bad episodes, some flow more smoothly or have more standout moments than the other. There is, however, one constant.

They’re all too fucking short. Half of the episodes are just barely fourteen minutes long, and taking out the Genlock preview and the opening and closing credits, it’s more generous to say they’re ten to twelve minutes on average. While I will take shorter, more concise episodes over something that drags on longer than it needs to (see Dead End and the opening scene again for my thoughts on that), there is a point where I must bemoan the length being too short. Especially when some of these episodes are insanely good.

Jaune’s plan is alright. Not quite as much of a disaster as some make it out to be, it’s a decent plan if lacking in contingencies. I think it’s noteworthy that had Adam not intervened, the plan would have gone off without a hitch.

The first half of the episode is also really funny. Corvodin’s guards are a lot easier to manage in the shorter pace of the episode and Maria is just a goldmine of comedy. Like I said earlier, it’s amazing how fast the fandom fell in love with this salty old grandma. I also love the joke that Maria’s jargon was perfect (which it is in real life btw I checked), but the guards knew something was up because their pilots aren’t old women.

The one real drag to the episode is Qrow having another angst episode and bemoaning how everything is his fault again, which just seems to be in the episode so Ruby can have another Ruby Moment. This is perhaps the weakest of all of her moments in the season, as it feels the most shoved in for the sake of being able to say “We gave Ruby something to do in every episode!” Which is fine, but repetition is a beast best avoided when possible in writing.

The mech is kinda cool, at least. And for the record, Corvodin is the guilty party in this conflict- yes, Ruby and co stole military equipment, but it was Caroline’s call to escalate to the Walking Gen;Lock Ad. They could easily have just dispatched other airships to catch the protagonists.

Adam’s return was a bit of a wet fart, unfortunately. A CRWBY episode released days prior to this episode releasing accidentally had mocap footage of someone fighting with Adam’s style, and storyboards that could be seen in this episode showed he was fighting Blake during it. Had the CRWBY episode not been so blatant in spoiling the surprise the twist of him suddenly arriving may have had more impact, but alas. I will say on an animation level, the fight in the tower is pretty good, if a bit clunky compared to what comes after. It makes good use of the environment and has Adam and Blake constantly crawling up and down the tower, giving the fight a bit of a unique quality to it. I also like the new visual additions to Adam’s Moonslice such as the bolt of lightning that crawls up his back.

Stealing From The Elderly is a decent, if very short, opening act to the Argus Battle episodes. It sets up the major conflicts of this trilogy of episodes, and has some great wit at the beginning, but doesn’t have much to make it stand out on its own.

The Lady In The Shoe-

Pretty. Fucking. Stellar. This episode is almost all fight scene, and works for the most part.

The mech fight is unfortunately the letdown of this part, and I’d probably rank it as the least exciting fight of Volume 6. While it does have some great moments such as Ruby getting to run on goddamn missiles, Ren actually getting to do something and not job for once, Ruby and Weiss’s great moment on the Lancer, everyone getting a moment to themselves where they get to land a blow on the mech (barring Oscar) and a new song in Big Metal Shoe, it’s overall a very slow battle that never really picks up. It doesn’t help that Caroline as a villain is very one-note, an exaggerated caricature who we know won’t stop the heroes, she’s just a stop gap for them.

Honestly though, the fight in this part of the episode just peaks at Ruby zooming up and firing her sniper rifle one handed at Caroline, and landing a no-scope right on the window. Heck, go and look and it’s at head level with Caroline. Ruby went right for the kill shot! God it’s so cool to see Ruby being a badass again.

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But of course the real highlight of this episode and of the entire Argus Battle sequence was Adam’s brawls against Blake and Yang, the latter of which has already earned a spot in most people’s favorite fights of the entire show list. Every time I thought Volume 6 had peaked fight wise, it got one more burst of energy and make a new “best of the season” fight to top the last. Cinder vs Neo was topped by Maria vs Tock, and now that was beaten out by Adam vs Yang. I can look at this fight and find a new favorite moment each time- Blake putting Adam’s sword into her sheath and disarming him for a few seconds while dual wielding for the first time in years, Adam’s almost instant turns whenever Blake uses her Semblance on him and him breaking Gambol Shroud, Yang smashing Adam with the bike, the list goes on. It’s not only great to see the Adam/Yang test footage getting remade to give the fight an extra edge, but as someone who wrote a lot of words on what the Battle of Haven did to Adam’s reputation, it was great to see the CRWBY remedying that mistake and giving him and Yang a fantastic battle, easily their strongest outings. Yang in particular really has evolved since Beacon, with her style having specifically changed to counter Adam and a whole barrage of new tricks- that rapid-fire machine gun punch is beautiful.

If this is how Yang fights now, her rematch against Mercury is going to be a fucking treat.

Adam’s face reveal was also a big shock. Some people had predicted branding but I don’t think anyone specifically called that he would have the SDC logo plastered on his eye socket. It’s a rather haunting sight, and puts his utter hatred for humanity in a startling light. It doesn’t excuse Adam of his actions, especially the abuse he put Blake through, but it puts a lot of Adam’s older actions- his disregard of the people on the train the Black trailer, his sadistic grins in his short whenever he was dominating humans- in a new context. Kudos to CRWBY for finding a way to take what most people thought they’d called already and putting a new spin on it.

While the mech fight isn’t stellar (though Nora’s moment of “You get back here with MY MAN!” was adorable), Adam vs Yang on its own makes this a high-ranking episode of the season with what cannot be stated enough as a good fucking fight. Melanie, you are a goddamn boss and I can’t wait to see you get that team working on more battles.

Seeing Red- The Assassination of Adam Taurus by the Not-So-Cowardly Blake Belladonna

So uh... last episode had Maria’s ship get hit with a missile, then it’s fine in this one? No smoke trails, not even any damage? OK?

Mech fight isn’t as good as it was last time, unfortunately. Ruby’s speeching is still rather annoying but at least she makes up for it by jumping into the cannon to make sure we all realize Volume 5 Ruby is a thing of the past. A really nice touch was her psyching herself up for a second before taking the second shot. It reminded me of Wonder Woman when Steve dies, he takes a second to breathe before firing. I like that she didn’t succeed with the first plan to shoot the missiles, it added a little tension to the fight. I also loved her moment with Qrow when he tried to stop her, it was a really soft and humanizing moment for both of them.

Adam vs Yang and Blake is still great, but last episode has it beat for sheer choreography. I very much enjoyed seeing them tag-team Adam, but part of me finds it funny that after Lady In The Shoe’s declaration of “We’re protecting each other,” Blake gets knocked out 40 seconds into the fight while Yang has to fight Adam for over a minute.

It was great to see the fire hair finally make a return, and having it serve as part of a climax where we see Yang correct her error when she fought Adam at Beacon- literally, they recreate the move where Adam cut her arm off but this time Yang dodges to the side first- was an amazing touch. And the hair looks pretty great too.

Adam’s death was a bit of a shock. It’s karma, no doubt, and ultimately this fight was only going to end with either him or the protagonists dead. But to be honest, I don’t think anyone expected him to win, especially after Weiss and Cinder took a spear to the narrative stakes last year. After the branding reveal I was personally hoping (but I was 90% sure he’d die) that Adam would get knocked off the cliff (I suppose I wasn’t wrong on that front at least) and get picked up by Cinder and Neo, then he’d become a problem in the Atlas arc. In particular I feel it would have been a great way to tie Adam into Weiss’s plot, as a way for her to see first hand that the SDC under Jacques is directly creating the monsters that go on to kill Weiss’s family. I’m fine with the death here, so long as what Jacques has done to the Faunus still appears in the Atlas seasons. But I feel this was a good place to see him off. On a technical level it would have been difficult for the crew to top the fighting scene in Chapters 11 and 12, while on a thematic level unless Adam went full-in on the Faunus cause he would have felt like dead weight. In effect, he’d have become the villain’s version of ReNora in how useful he really was for the plot. Additionally, even with the choreography here, had he run away again or lost I think that would have been a nail in the coffin for Adam’s threat-factor regardless. So ultimately, this was the best place to get rid of him, and at least he went out with a good death. (i really hope none of this paragraph gets twisted by someone trying to say i’m an abuse apologist, been down that road already thanks)

Also Blake breaking down was harsh. Her and Yang are gonna need to have a long conversation or six about trauma because that’s the closest either of those girls are getting to therapists in this death world. But for real, the finale all but confirmed that Blake and Yang are endgame, and whether your own thoughts on that, their arcs next volume should be about addressing that before romantic tension comes in. We’ve got at least six volumes left, the show can afford to take it slow and have them get some therapy before they get a Tinder profile.

... though I will complain about one thing about the fight. Adam’s sheath is a gun, why didn’t he just try and shoot Blake and Yang after he lost Wilt? He just rushes for the broken fragments of the sword when he has a working gun at his belt. Literally, the one thing I don’t like about the fight itself and it’s the epilogue to it.

Seeing Red’s fighting choreography might not be as impressive as Lady In The Shoe for either fight, but both are augmented by instead focusing on the characters and nailing a lot of the symbolism in its key moments. Ruby gets to shine with a hell of an insane move, and the show parts ways with its first real villain.

RIP goatboi, you were trash but at least it was fun to watch you swing your weeb stick. Thanks for sucking in Volume 5 so much I started writing narrative essays about the show as a consequence.

Our Way- And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain

As an episode, Our Way is pretty cool. As a finale, it’s a bit weak, continuing the meta trend of season finales getting shorter every volume since V3. Nothing here is inherently bad, in fact it’s a lot of good material, but it’s not finale material.

Ruby’s arc (well it’s not really an arc but that’s a subject for another post) has been building up to the moment where she finally become a proper leader, and her facing down the Leviathan was that moment. The shots of this thing looming over Ruby are cinematic gold. I love that Ruby uses Jinn’s time stop feature to cheat out a few more seconds to prepare her Silver Eyes, and that Jinn, albeit begrudgingly, admits that she made a good play. When a near omnipotent lamp admits you’ve got some moves, you really have come a long way as a fighter.

The 2D stills of the Beacon season moments were a delight to behold, especially thanks to the added detail they gave moments like Weiss giving Ruby coffee and Penny’s death. The Summer appearance was amazing and made the finale for me, and it fading right as the lyrics to Indomitable kick in is a fantastic rush of emotions. Four lines and that song’s already my most anticipated track on the volume. I’m kind of bitter it wasn’t the credits song if I’m being honest.

Corvodin getting the final blow on the Leviathan was mixed. I appreciated how fucking anime it was that she used her DRILL THAT COULD PIERCE THE HEAVENS to kill Bubbles, but that the Leviathan was just so casually one-shotted made for a bit of an anticlimax to the battle. I’m not exactly also fond of the racist old hag being given a “soft” redemption but whatever.

Really that’s my one big problem with this. I get that there was no real way to have another big Grimm fight, but it makes the Battle of Argus feel like a bit of a cheap fight as a consequence. I’m overall fine with the result, but it does weaken the finale as a direct consequence. If the Ruby Silver Eyes moment didn’t land for you I can imagine this finale being rather weaksauce. Still, at least most of it was onscreen this time, so progress over Haven. It’s overall an OK episode but it needed a bit more time in the oven to make it a great finale. I didn’t hate it, but I can’t deny that outside of the character moments it wasn’t as climactic as I hoped it would be, especially once they cut episode 14 as I assumed that meant a longer than normal finale to compensate for the runtime. If you like Ruby, this is a great conclusion to a season that’s been great for her overall. If you don’t? Well, twelve out of thirteen good episodes.

Really though, Our Way made clear one important fact. Blake will never be allowed to solo her own songs, she will always have to share it with someone else. Honestly after From Shadows, Wings, Like Morning Follows Night, This Time and now Nevermore, it has to be deliberate that Blake only gets duets.

Also you remember how I pointed out that each even-numbered season up to V6 opened with Em and Merc? Well the tradition was kinda kept alive because they closed out Volume 6. Fitting that they be the ones we close out the Mistral seasons with, alongside literal flying monkeys. At least Mercury has his eyebrows back to normal now so... character arc?

... oh yeah and Neo and Cinder were in this I guess

Conclusion

Volume 6 is stellar, superb, at times outright spectacular. As a fan who felt Volume 5 was at best mediocre and at worst just bad, Volume 6 is an immediately counteraction and a redemption arc for RWBY as a show. Almost all of the major criticisms that had been levied at the Maya Era since Volume 4 started- janky animation, poor pacing, underused characters, weak fights, poorly explained backstories and weak villains among countless others- were all addressed and fixed to a certain extent. Ruby finally feels like the protagonist of her own story, Salem and Ozpin’s backstories have been explored, Adam was given a shred of sympathy before his death, the songs were great, the fights were stellar and it managed to, for the most part, stick the landing.

Granted, the first half is far better paced and written, the pacing does take a hit once RWBY reach Argus, but a conscious step was taken to avoid the Mistral House Round 2, we only spend three episodes in the Cotta-Arc house and a large portion of time outside it to boot. Miles said in a post-RTX interview that the plan was for each episode to have at least one new location per episode to avoid repetition and for the most part, they succeeded. As a consequence, the world feels more alive than it ever has before, Argus feels much more intimately known and we see the characters reacting to new environments and stimuli. But regardless, things slow down and hit a roadblock at Argus and while the pacing smooths out, it does break the stellar flow the earlier episodes had managed to keep going.

The Argus Battle episodes, while as a whole better shot and choreographed than last year’s battle at Haven, have far smaller stakes. The mech fight has some entertaining moments but fails to entertain, but the slack is thankfully picked up by Adam vs B&Y which will top a lot of “best fight of the show” lists for a while to come. But still, the episodes feel less wide-reaching than the Beacon or Haven versions, and perhaps because of this, the final episode fails to excite as much as it does due to the Battle for Argus having no real stakes or danger. It leads to a great moment, but it’s not as exciting as it could have been.

While overall the pacing was very good, one plot did drag- Cinder and Neo. This did not need to be in Volume 6 and while I liked their fight, Cinder’s plot is rather blatantly just there to set up Volume 7 and their threat there. While it did give the crew a chance to finally explore Mistral’s criminal underworld that had been teased in the World of Remnant, Mistral still feels woefully underused compared to Vale thanks to a shoddy start. As well, plain and simply, I just don’t like Cinder and Neo as much as I do the other villains, and I’d have rather their screentime be used on the other villains- a segment of Adam stalking Blake in Argus, more of Emerald and Mercury processing Cinder not being around anymore, Hazel and the duality of his want for pacifism and his utter hatred of Ozpin, Tyrian and Watts and the inevitably buddy cop drama that will ensue from them. This is a personal gripe, I’m aware, but Cinder has still failed to grab me as a villain six volumes in- hopefully now that there’s one less villain to juggle, she can finally get something to hook us in next volume. Also I just don’t like Cinder’s new outfit, give Em and Merc new outfits already for Christ’s sake.

Another plot that didn’t so much drag as was just removed was Oscar going missing. I was sure this would lead to an Oscar solo scene where he’d get to confront Ozma and Ozpin and figure out his place in life. As it is, it feels like he just went missing so Jaune, Ren and Nora could have the statue scene. At least his new costume is nice.

But overall, the second half was good, no, great a lot of the time after the awkward stop in Dead End. Volume 6′s second half may not have been as grandiose as it could/should have been, but it still maintained a steady pace, gave us a lot of fantastic standout scenes, great combat and character beats while finally leaving the ghost of Volume 5 behind on Mistral. I am thoroughly onboard for Volume 7, and I am now eager to see where Miles, Connor, Kerry and Melanie steer the ship.

Thank you for reading.

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