#and that my ideas simply had less worth because of WHO I was
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There's an exchange in the bedroom scene in "Man on Fire" that I think gets a little lost and is actually very important:
"You saved my life."
"Well, I'm glad I could help. I'm sure you'll return the favor next time we're in a near-death situation."
"How about we just avoid all near-death situations?"
"Yeah, nice idea. Not bloody likely in our line of work.
The exchange gets kind of lost in the mermaid discussion and Izzy busting in, which happens before Ed can say anything more, but it's not an incidental moment. Ed’s greatest fear is always losing Stede - either because Stede is whim prone and wants to be a big famous pirate, or because piracy is dangerous and they are constantly in near-death situations. The moment comes at a time when Ed has discarded his leathers; he no longer wants to be Blackbeard, and it's increasingly clear he doesn't want to be a pirate. But the fear is still there.
Stede has nearly died multiple times since Ed met him. They meet when he’s been stabbed and is bleeding out. Izzy runs him through. Ed himself almost goes through with killing him. The English try to execute him. Every time Ed has been more or less powerless to stop it.
Blackbeard has nearly been the cause of Stede's death. The persona is what Izzy kept appealing to when he tried to get Ed to kill Stede. The night before, Ned Low almost killed them as a result of choices Ed made as Blackbeard. Ed can’t stop Stede from being hurt, even when he tries to keep the attention focused on him. It’s Stede who winds up being able to act, using the awesome power of empathetic listening and worker unionization. Ed can’t protect him and can’t save him, and Blackbeard put him in danger.
This feeds into Ed’s other fears. He spiraled when he lost Stede once, and every time he sees Stede hurt, he starts to panic. He’s been reminded, as they’re lying in bed in the safest place they could be, that their jobs mean that they’ll be in danger - that Stede will be in danger, either because of simply being a pirate, or because of Ed himself. Ed is scared of who he becomes when he has to put on Blackbeard, and he doesn't want to do it anymore. He's also now had it confirmed that Blackbeard is what puts Stede in danger in the first place.
It seems safer for him to run. If he runs, he never has to see Stede hurt, he never has to be Blackbeard, he never has to be worried about his own heart breaking, he never has to be left alone because he's the one that ran first.
But of course he does, because he goes back to the Republic of Pirates and sees the destruction and the first thing he thinks is that Stede is hurt. He hears Stede screaming for help, and he’s not there.
What Ed has forgotten is that Blackbeard has also saved Stede's life. The one time he was able to save Stede from death was by being Blackbeard—the English listen to his call for an Act of Grace because of the persona; they want the accolades for turning Blackbeard from piracy. The persona itself is what saves Stede.
In the end, Ed finds something worth killing for. He puts on Blackbeard again—he kills, willingly, for perhaps the first time since his father, in order to find and protect the man he loves. Much like Stede searching the Caribbean for Ed, there's no guarantee that he'll find what he hopes for, but he'll still hope. He's no longer watching the world burn; he's going to save Stede, or die trying.
#ofmd#our flag means death#edward teach#stede bonnet#blackbonnet#gentlebeard#ofmd meta#taika waititi#rhys darby#ofmd season 2#tw: violence#my wee thoughts#always happy to hear others!
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Hi, I was going through some of your old posts and wanted to clarify something. Do you think transfems can have internalized misogyny? Are they in your experience especially prone to sexism from having grown up as someone assigned male at birth?
weird vibes from this ask, i can’t tell if you’re trying to bait me or genuinely curious. if it’s bait, get fucked. in case it’s not, here’s my answer:
i think anyone can struggle with internalized misogyny or internalized patriarchy, especially women or people who are expected to be women. and, as the name would suggest, trans women are women. when a woman is told by society that her worth is in her appearance, and she internalizes that and starts judging herself based on those patriarchal expectations, that’s internalized misogyny. this is especially compounded for trans women and trans femmes, whose identity is already questioned by society. they face extremely intense scrutiny to look or act a certain way, to hold a certain societal role to “prove” their womanhood or femininity, so it’s not surprising that many struggle with internalized misogyny and judging themselves on the patriarchal norms that are violently forced on them. so yeah not only do i think they can have internalized misogyny, i think it’s inevitable for them to struggle with at some point on their transition journey simply because of how inescapable misogyny is in our society.
in terms of “socialization” based on agab, i think the entire concept is flawed. we’re all socialized to act a certain way based on our upbringing and environment, and very often our agab influences that, but there is no universal “afab/amab experience” and simply being raised as a boy or a girl doesn’t make you inherently more or less prone to sexism. i’ve known cis men who are staunch feminists because of their upbringing, who always work to dismantle patriarchal norms in the spaces they’re in. i’ve also known cis women who were deeply misogynistic and deeply harmed the people in their lives because of their insistence on forcing patriarchal norms onto them.
i’m not going to pretend i haven’t had bad experiences with individual trans women being sexist or misogynistic, but that’s because trans women are in fact people and people aren’t perfect. i have experienced misogyny from many different kinds of people, and the thing it always has in common is an attempt to make sure everyone’s staying in their patriarchy-prescribed box. we’ve all grown up in a sexist and misogynistic society that impresses on us how important it is to stay in our box and make sure others stay in their box.
we all have things to unlearn, including trans people. being trans doesn’t magically absolve us of doing that work. unfortunately that means there are going to be instances where trans people, including trans women and trans femmes, perpetuate misogynistic or sexist rhetoric. but i have found that offline the vast majority of my conversations with trans women and trans femmes about my experiences with misogyny and sexism go something like this:
“i face this as a trans man.”
“woah i had no idea, thanks for telling me. i relate to this tangentially because of the way trans people often have multiple gender roles forced on us at once.”
“wow i love connecting with other trans people through common experiences even if they might not be 1:1.”
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Your Yan!Elliott posts are endlessly fascinating to me. I propose an idea for you if you are up for it:
Yan!Elliott finally has his prize all to himself, only to learn he's simply done the job for them. He's not the only obsessed one. He's not got his prize caged up. No no. He's caged with them.
Wasn't it always rather odd that his target of infatuation quickly learned everything about him, his schedules, his interests, his favorite foods? Did he ever even notice? (Based a little on the fact that--let's be real--we players are the weird ones)
Omg thank you! :) And true, I would 100% be considered the creep if my farmer's behavior imitated my own irl behavior haha T_T
I made Reader a lot more smug than I normally do. I hope this is good!!
Yandere!Elliott x Reader
Tags/warnings: Suggestive, drugging, mentioned stalking, dubcon (kinda but not really), yandere x yandere, gender neutral reader
Sometimes Elliott felt like he didn't even need to stalk you around the town. He'd walk out of his cabin, camera, binoculars, and caffeine gathered for a stakeout, only for you to be waiting outside with a smile on your face. That same smile that made him feel like he was soaring.
Not only that, but you knew just what he liked. Granted, he'd like anything if it were from you, but he had a whole year's supply worth of pomegranates and ink stocked up in his cabin.
He didn't even want to put either to use, treasuring each item you gave him like a rare gem. He did eventually crack and eat the pomegranates though. He was only human, after all!
There was no doubting it. You were perfect.
Each time he'd write lengthy letters to you, all from your "secret admirer", he'd watch your expressions. You always looked delighted to have received a letter. Though you never once attempted to find out who was sending you them. Elliott wondered if maybe you already knew, but never wanted to get his hopes up.
He made sure to describe how stunning you were in every letter he wrote. It was important for you to know how perfect you were. So perfect, that you didn't deserve to be around anyone else. No one would ever love you as much as Elliott did.
Despite the countless gifts he had received from you, despite you seeming to know his schedule down to a T, he was still determined he needed to win your affection over. All because he needed more.
He needed to hold you. He needed to taste you. He needed to marry you. He needed you.
"Hey, Elliott!"
The writer turned opened his door, delighted to see you. It was a rainy day, which was when he always stayed inside, save for stalking you at specific hours. You'd usually visit him on rainy days, and naturally he'd always be quick to invite you in. He knew you were likely coming over, which was why he already had a nice dinner prepared and everything.
"Come in, please," he said, holding the door open. You hurried inside and removed your wet raincoat, hanging it on the coat rack. Elliott headed straight for the kitchen, where he dished out the dinner he had prepared, along with the spiked wine.
He didn't have any awful intentions, of course! He just... wanted you to himself for a little longer than you normally stayed. That wasn't so wrong, was it? He wanted to savor this.
Besides, it wasn't like it was the first time he had done this.
"How are you?" he asked, sitting down at the table across from you. He waited eagerly for you to take a sip of the wine.
"I'm okay," you replied, giving him a smile that made his heart melt. "Just exhausted. I spent all day working."
He knew. He watched you.
"Then let me give you a nice relaxing time," he suggested, making sure to sound polite as he could. "Drink some more wine. Tell me all about your day." He didn't even realize his lovesick smile listening to you talk. He was excited for you to become sleepy and less aware of your surroundings. Then he could hold you and kiss you and you wouldn't even remember a thing the next morning.
It was honestly the only thing keeping him from going insane. He could be creepy as he wanted with you and you wouldn't even care. Although he'd use the term "romantic" instead.
After he nearly finished his own drink, he noticed his mind becoming hazy. He was a bit of a lightweight, he'd admit, but it took more than one glass to get him feeling like this. He tried to blink the dizziness from his own eyes, and could make out your eyes on him and a smirk on your face.
"Oh no, are you okay? You don't look so good," you feigned innocence. Even through his hazy state, Elliott could hear the smug grin in your voice.
"D-Did... did you...? Are you...?" He couldn't form a coherent sentence.
"Yep," you confirmed. "You've done it to me several times now, figured I'd return the favor. It's only fair, right?"
He should have been angry or upset about this, but he wasn't. Instead, his cheeks turned bright red as he stared at you in a dumbfounded awe. He didn't know what he was feeling right now, but it definitely wasn't anger. Arousal, anticipation, delight... maybe a mixture of all three.
"To be fair," you continued, "I never was really drugged. Just pretended to be, because I wanted to see what you would do." His breath hitched when you straddled his lap, holding his tie in your hand. "Just to see how far you'd take things."
"Y-You..." He never thought he'd see the day where his words failed him. But how was he supposed to speak when you were on his lap looking so delectable? He subconsciously licked his lips as he drank in every detail of your body. The way your chest rose and fell, your breaths as heavy as his, your eyes clouded with lust. He could only imagine how much of a fool he looked right now.
"Did you really think I wouldn't notice?" Your voice was soft, sweet. "Did you think I'd never find out?"
Elliott paused for a moment before chuckling. He rested his hands on your thighs and massaged them gently. "You know me too well, darling." He placed a gentle kiss to your throat. "How did you know?"
"How did I know you were spiking my drinks?" You giggled and kissed his ear. "Because you're not subtle at all." You licked a stripe down his neck, enjoying the shivers you felt from him. "And because I want you just as much as you want me."
He placed his forehead against yours and let out a shaky sigh. "I... I'm very relieved to hear that." He didn't even bother to hide his erection pressing against you. "If I could, I'd tell you just how much I adore you. But..." He trailed off, growing more deadweight. His head fell forward against your chest as he struggled to keep his eyes open. "I love you. I love you so much."
You rolled your eyes at how dramatic he was being. "You'll be fine, love," you whispered. "And I love you, too."
Despite Elliott falling limp into your arms, he refused to loosen his grip on you the entire night. Or the morning to come.
#answered ask#yandere#stardew valley#yandere elliott#elliott sdv#sdv elliott#yandere stardew valley#sdv#x reader#yandere x reader#yandere boyfriend#yandere male#yandere x yandere#gn reader
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I just read your rant about zukka and it made me think what if zuko’s obsession with sokka has to do with the fact that sokka in some ways encompasses some of the traits that have been forced on Zuko since he was young like the whole killing without mercy or remorse and the need for control and the strategic thinking. But Sokka uses these skills no to try and rule the world but to help aang stop Ozai. I haven’t watched atla in a while but your analyses help me realize a lot of details that I missed about it was he characters
yeah i’ve talked before about how sokka and azula being so similar must be kind of a mindfuck for zuko because sokka has “a killer instinct that’s just so fire nation” but also he’s literally friends with the bald baby pacifist monk avatar who says shit like “do you think we could’ve been friends too?” and so zuko clearly has no idea what to think. like he and azula were both indoctrinated into this world that valued certain traits and dogmas over others (ie, sokka’s over aang’s) and so azula sees sokka as more of a threat.
it’s funny because obviously sokka and zuko’s first encounter is sokka getting his ass handed to him by a guy who doesn’t even care that he’s in his way, but also that scheme is pretty immediately disrupted by sokka’s boomerang. and then the next time they meet, sokka has actually spent time training under someone (instead of fumbling around in the dark by himself) and can now hold his own far better. and every single encounter after that sees sokka not only rising to zuko’s level, but surpassing him, fighting him, foiling his plans, advocating to leave him for dead, ignoring him, dismissing him.
even at the western air temple, sokka is the liaison who welcomes him into the group (the designated “leadership” role comes with more responsibilities than simply assassinating assassins), but he also makes it pretty clear that he doesn’t care for or trust zuko throughout “the firebending masters,” even if his manner of bullying is far less overtly malicious than katara’s. and yet, zuko cannot discount him. zuko saw him kill combustion man. zuko understands his value to the group. zuko recognizes that quality he and azula share. zuko may have had an advantage over him the first time they met, but it sure didn’t last long. if azula and zuko have anything in common, it’s a mutual respect for sokka.
like, sokka is the only member of the gaang’s name azula actually says (aang is “the avatar,” katara is “peasant,” toph is [insert blind joke here], and suki is “my favorite prisoner”) and on the day of black sun, she elects to distract sokka first and foremost knowing that he’s their “leader.” and she does clearly respect him more than most people do because she can see herself in him (at least to some extent, i don’t think either of them are actually insightful enough to realize how deep that connection truly goes) and thus can recognize his worth as someone who is in a similar position, albeit on the opposite side.
zuko does say and aang and katara’s names (and appa’s), but sokka’s name is the first he says, and it’s really the only name he uses as a mode of address. and the matter of naming is clearly important to royal heirs, who are defined by their names and titles. we see that especially when zuko confuses ursa’s “remember who you are” with “remember your ancestry,” declaring who he is not as internal identity, but as title. to afford someone the respect of addressing them by name is to implicitly demonstrate respect for them.
this is further demonstrated by the fact that unlike “you just had to pick up the glowing egg” zuko of just an episode prior, zuko really does follow sokka’s leadership and places his complete faith in his abilities. there’s no complaining or backseat driving or undermining of his intentions, which is genuinely anomalous for zuko, who generally refuses to listen to anyone about anything (unless he’s being actively scared into submission, and even then he’s stood up to ozai multiple times). he’s not outspoken in these episodes, however. he is downright docile. and it’s because he genuinely believes sokka to be his superior. which isn’t to say that sokka isn’t better than he is, but like. aang is too and he doesn’t take his knowledge into account! because aang doesn’t represent the values that zuko strove to embody his entire life.
what’s more, i would imagine there’s something kind of satisfying, if not downright intriguing, about knowing someone who basically is what you aspire to be, who you were told you must be your entire life, and seeing that he is just. absolutely fucking miserable. like azula is also miserable, but zuko doesn’t know that (yet), because she hides it better. but sokka is genuinely suicidal (especially in these episodes). meeting this idealized standard of perfection you have always failed to reach and realizing that whatever standards you once (recently) held yourself to are actually deeply unfulfilling. that sokka isn’t “perfect,” that he actually considers himself a failure. and the fact that when he does fail, he considers it the end of the world because he never built up the resilience one gets from being a normal person who doesn’t always succeed on their first try. and zuko’s like “finally, something i have that he doesn’t: intimate knowledge of what it’s like to constantly fail and underperform and disappoint people!”
zuko is really perfectly equipped to support sokka in this situation, because he idolizes him enough to provide him with the unconditional support sokka feels fundamentally undeserving of, and also understands sokka’s misery enough to give him actually meaningful advice when it matters. what’s interesting about how zuko feels about sokka is that it’s not just about uncritically putting him on a pedestal for being Nice Azula or whatever, it’s also about zuko’s genuine desire to help sokka and protect him.
yue inhabits the martyr role that sokka has always envisioned himself in, suki establishes herself as someone who is equally capable of protecting him and he can her, and zuko risks his life to support sokka on his crazy suicide mission, when sokka was so intent on going it alone because he wasn’t thinking clearly didn’t want anyone else to get hurt. sokka doesn’t need someone who treats him like an irreproachable god. in fact, i think sokka would hate nothing more than having a sycophant. he needs someone who understands that he is fallible and vulnerable and needs help like any human being does, and respects and trusts and admires him anyway.
zuko doesn’t have the capacity to recognize azula’s insecurities and shortcomings, or the desire to help her, but he does for sokka. because he never felt like he was in a position where he had to compete for something against him. he’s not trying to usurp sokka’s role as “leader” (except for whatever was going on in “sozin’s comet,” but that’s for another post) and is happy to simply follow him, in a way that is genuinely uncharacteristic for him.
and you can say that it’s because zuko is gay and stupid (which wouldn’t be wrong, per se), but it’s also because sokka embodies everything zuko ever thought he had to be. and it’s because sokka doesn’t even care. it’s the recognition that one person’s idealized model of behavior is another’s burden. that if zuko had been “perfect” like sokka, he never would’ve gained the wisdom to accept defeat and not let it deter him. perfect like azula, who, like sokka, shatters in the face of failure.
zuko says as much in “the siege of the north,” and again in “the western air temple.” the fact that he isn’t a prodigy, the fact that he “had to struggle and fight” to achieve what little he has, is “what made me who i am.” so he’ll respect sokka, of course, because sokka is who he wished for so long that he could be. but he’ll also support sokka, because he has just enough distance from the situation to recognize that he’s not an island (even if sokka himself is convinced that he must be). so it’s not obsession, per se, nor is it simply uncritical admiration that confuses excellence for infallibility. it’s unconditional support born of understanding, a sort of empathy. it’s devotion.
#xxzavier42#asks#sokka#zuko#azula#sokkaxzuko#azula&sokka#azula&zuko#analysis#at some point i gotta stop saying ‘whoops i wrote way more than i thought i would!!! teehee’#and recognize that this is simply my modus operandi#i love to ramble …. lol#also when i call sokka the ‘leader’ its with the caveat that I think the designation of leadership is kind of flawed#but that’s definitely how azula and zuko see it#and in the most traditional sense that’s what he is#but not always.#i need to finish and post my essay on katara and sokka gifted kidism….#anyway. zucchini good 👍🏼
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Pick A Movie ? 💛
(Channeled messages are unrelated to plot)
PILE 1 - TOTAL RECALL
You’ve been noticing recently that your lucid dreaming has gotten so real !! I believe you had an idea how this journey was going to go but you got hit with a mini curve ball the last time you attempted to lucid dream !! Your guides are kind of smirking like just ask us to “lead and guide you and so it shall be” they are definitely protecting during this interesting moment of learning how to “get off the ground” it seems like you start to astral project and you maybe get a bit overwhelmed & feel the need to stop & try again ! On the other hand as you’re sleeping the whole time you’re lucid dreaming to these dimensions & meeting people you actually know in that realm ! So In reality your guides want to lead you into conscious Astral travel !!! Being that you unexpectedly lucid dream almost every night !!! I see for some you really do meet up in the astral realm like it’s a game lol , like okay player 1 is here , player two is here we’re ready to GO! I would just be aware of those you travel with if this is what you choose to do ! Make sure you’re truly okay with sharing your energy on that level !
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PILE 2 - MOONLIGHT
I’m hearing you could be a Sagittarius specifically !! If not you have HEAVY Jupiterian energy! The message I’m receiving is that revolving around your self worth & how it’s been at a 0% when it’s literally always been at 100% with you ! I see people around you are concerned and want you to know they care and are here for you , with anything you may need ! For some you’ve just been watching and listening !! For a few you could’ve really had an imbalanced upbringing, I’m seeing that you may have had your parents, which is a positive thing , but they both seem to have “filled the same glass consistently”
meanwhile the other “glasses” (🍷)that were in need of attention remained empty ! So maybe they raised you based off how they were raised or how they simply wanted to. There were usually no input from others , especially family ! They could’ve been so Focused on your goals making sure you don’t make them look any less than they deem themselves to be ! I’m so picking up a mothers energy , she is toxic yall!! And would rather you “raise yourself” than put energy into molding you & raising you with the love that nourishes and not the back handed guilt of love ! Things will be so different when you decide to have kids or even if you do ! You move so different than your family and I commend you for it ! 💙
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PILE 3 - HIDDEN FIGURES
So I see your having doubts about if this person is literally your twin flame like you don’t have any clue about what that even means or looks like for you & your not the type of person to look online and associate your experiences with the next , you need to experience these things for yourself to really solidify it in your eyes ! So you are doubting which is so okay because I do feel it’s a natural reaction to such a powerful dynamic ! Now as far as labeling it as twin flame that part you’re not sure about , like you rarely like saying boyfriend and girlfriend ! You are okay with being Partners or just people who love each other ! You are my pile that moves independent mostly , what you want you really go out there and get it for you ! To make you feel good , to add to the list of your accomplishments! You feel like this
“Twin flame “ thing might take you off your tracks as far as being independent , you’re not really ready for that level of emotion !! You definitely are dealing with someone who is KARMIC to you and is capable of mirroring to you , your faults ! You’re just not ready for that !! I wouldn’t 100% say you have interacted with your twin flame if you even have one ! I just feel like one of you may think that and the other is feeling so off about it. You’re hiding from the things that are triggering you which is so normal but at some point you’ll HAVE to face it !! Take it gently! Never with force ✨
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PILE 4 - BRIDESMAIDS
(Mini 18+ warning )
You’re so not good with rejection of any kind !! lol you can be the type of person who is like go big or go home ! you will literally pay an arm and leg for something you really want !!! You have a very abundant mind set and can actually create and manifest with that gift so amazingly !! You take action you’re not lazy whatsoever , you are a money maker and may even work from home to where you still are in the comfort of your own Space ! The message for you is to maintain this abundant mindset and you never know where you’ll end up in the next 6 years as far as goals are concerned!! Venus is ushering in some good sex for you ! It’s almost like you work with a goddess connected to Venus and you can manifest the person , place & time lol your definitely a Conjurer or a sorceress an empress , you may work with water as well , I’m seeing water offerings !! So you have a deep connection to the element of water. You could be a Pisces I’m feeling that sign heavily! you may also have a Scorpio Venus for some or even a Jupiter in Taurus for others ! You are really so godly ! The shape , the body, the energy its all goals !!! 🔥🔥
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Hope you enjoy 💛
IG: @ soleccentric
#pick a picture#pac reading#spirituality#love#tarotdaily#pick a card#connection#culture#tarot reading#pick a pile#tarotcommunity#tarot cards#pick an image#pick a photo#movies#oracle cards#universal#spiritual awakening#spiritualgrowth#pick a deck
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My mom and I were finally able to watch the final episode of Good Omens season 2.
Before we dive in, my mom is very — how do I say this — anti on certain things. My friend said it perfectly. He said she gave him the homophobic put the fear of God type vibes when he first met her.
I don’t believe anything will ever fully change her opinions or views of us. I’ve not even referred to myself as aromantic / asexual in her presence, and I doubt I ever will. I simply tell her I’m done dating. It’s clearly not in my future, and, after trying it a couple of times, it just isn’t something I’m interested in.
I hope that one day she will open her eyes and realize that it’s all fine. Whatever we are. It’s okay.
My mom enjoyed season one. When I asked her what she thought of Aziraphale and Crowley, here’s what she said. Not her exact words but close enough to what I can remember.
“Aziraphale seems like he’s afraid of getting into trouble with Heaven, but not enough to keep him from going against God’s orders.”
Just enough of a bastard to be worth knowing.
“Crowley isn’t as evil as he paints himself to be.”
Just a little bit a good person.
The only thing, as far as I’m aware, that didn’t quite sit right with my mom is that God is a She.
Wibbly wobbly timey wimey…
I was terrified for her to watch the second season because of Maggie and Nina and That Big Damn Kiss. She’s told me some less than desirable things previously. Here are a handful of them.
“I won’t watch shows that have gay couples in them.”
“I will watch them, but I’ll just turn my head away when they kiss.”
About my friend who is a lesbian —
“Your friend just says that, but she doesn’t actually know what she is.”
Okay, mom. You go ahead and keep telling yourself that.
I am certain, despite my fear, that I wanted her to watch Good Omens so badly because I thought maybe it would be the golden ticket. It’s uniquely different.
We have been gifted with Anthony J’I’m Not Actually Either Crowley and Mister AZ Smitten I Believe Fell, The Almighty God She, Nina I’m Not Your Type and Maggie You Have No Idea.
I was expecting my mom to frown upon Maggie and Nina’s story in season two, but she didn’t. She actually didn’t even have anything negative to say.
Y’all should have seen me when That Big Damn Kiss was coming up. I was fidgeting probably as bad as Aziraphale was when he was gathering up the courage to ask Crowley to dance with him.
I don’t think I’ve ever fidgeted that much in my life.
And then it happened.
That Big Damn Kiss
And she watched all of it. She didn’t look away. She didn’t make a face. She didn’t say anything negative.
I don’t necessarily think her views have changed because she laughed at something my uncle told her about a former coworker of his. This coworker used to go by Craig, but he later came out as trans and asked to be called Cindy. My uncle said, “The best we can do is Crindy.”
Most of my family are homophobic, and I don’t care for it.
I don’t know if it’s the way Neil Gaiman has written Good Omens, but I was surprised that she watched the entire show, had nothing negative to say and even added that she needs to watch all of both seasons again to better understand it.
That’s something, I suppose.
Maybe she’s coming around.
Thank you, Neil Gaiman.
You truly are a legend. 💚
#the ghost speaks#good omens#crowley#aziraphale#david tennant#michael sheen#maggie#nina#aziracrow#ineffable husbands
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Anyway, I had a discussion a while back about how Adrien wasn't abused before Emilie's death and I gotta say I disagree, but I'm feeling too lazy to write a whole post about it so here are some bullet points.
Adrien has no friends except for Chloe. I wonder why the boy who is so desperate for emotional connections and friendships would not want to or try to make friends for 13 years except for one girl who is conveniently the daughter of the mayor of Paris unless his parents didn't let him.
Gabriel canonically only gave Adrien a stupid pen for three years (i.e. during the time Emilie was alive) and doesn't that paint a picture of a loving and attentive father. Adrien has also never had a birthday party before.
Adrien's lack of awareness of social cues doesn't make it seem like he is someone who was allowed to socialize like children normally are, and speaks to a lifelong isolation as opposed to it just starting after Emilie died.
Adrien doesn't act like someone who is used to unconditional love and had it stripped away from him. Never does he express confusion over his father's sudden turn from being loving to coldness, not once does he indicate that his father used to act way differently. And yes, Emilie being nice and loving is something that can coexist with her being a bad parent who at best simply allowed Gabriel to isolate Adrien from the world and at worst actively contributed. Adrien only ever mentions that she was nice, not that she ever disagreed with his father on how to raise him.
Please do correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think a child who is used to being assured of his own worth and loved so unconditionally for 13 years would so completely internalize the contradictory idea that he has to earn love by being whatever the other person wants him to be in the span of less than a year without any trouble and with no doubts or confusion at all as to why everything is so different from before. The practiced way he wears his masks around others without once suggesting that it was different before at some point indicates that this has been the norm for him. And not once does he seem to expect anything different from anyone as opposed to just Gabriel. You would expect that someone who is used to being unconditionally loved would just expect that and view his father as an exception to the rule, but that's not the case.
To continue from the previous point, Adrien doesn't react to being shown unconditional love like someone who has experienced the feeling before would. Not once does he bemoan the loss of his supposed better treatment prior to Emilie's death. He acts genuinely surprised and shocked when Gabriel is nice to him, like he's never experienced it before. The way he clings to Ladybug's unconditional support like it's the best thing he's ever had doesn't speak of someone who was raised with unconditional love in abundance. He genuinely does not know how to not put up a front all the time in front of everyone because he believes that is what everyone expects of him, which is something that he probably shouldn't think if he spent 13 years of his life being loved and supported unconditionally and being able to be himself.
As evidence for this being a lifelong thing and not just something that started after Emilie died, consider the fact that Adrien's childhood dream is to be whatever his parents wanted him to be. Idk about y'all but the fact that this child had no dreams and desires of his own except to be his parents' little doll says a lot about how he was raised, and only proves that he's never really seen himself as someone who gets to have his own desires outside of pleasing his parents and having to earn their love even as a child, proving my point that this isn't something that started less than a year ago.
No, but Wishmaker really did shit all over the "Adrien's life only became bad after Emilie's death" argument huh. I sincerely question why anyone thinks that Emilie wasn't abusive after watching that episode.
And idk, the fact that he was constantly mind-controlled by his parents his whole life should be enough to understand that they are abusive pieces of shit.
My impression is that it got worse after Emilie died but was pretty bad before already (I mean, I thought it couldn't get much worse than mind-control, but Gabriel the asshat managed to make it happen). But honestly, the show has such an inconsistent tone with their portrayal of Emilie. They seem to want her to be seen as a good and loving and perfect mother, but then there are so many unfortunate implications regarding her treatment of Adrien that they just... do not acknowledge.
#MLB#Miraculous Ladybug#Adrien Agreste#Gabriel Agreste#Emilie Agreste#Chat Noir#Meta#My meta#ML Salt#ML Writing Salt#Abuse cw#Abuse tw
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I want to talk for a moment (or a LONG few moments but…) about my special little angel face, honeysuckle, cuppie cake…Stede Bonnet
From the start of the season, Stede is desperately seeking a person who he’s afraid will think he’s not good enough, that he is somehow lacking. He’s afraid he blew his chance at real happiness because he was scared and panicked (as he explicitly tells Ed in Fun and Games) but there’s so much more going on here. He wasn’t just scared and panicked because they were moving so fast during all their time together- he DIDN’T KNOW what they were doing. He didn’t realize they were falling in love because he didn’t know what it meant to be in love.
He was scared that running away to China was just going to be a rash decision borne out of a need to escape - he didn’t understand his value in general but more importantly, in that scene, to Ed. He didn’t understand that the “You wear fine things well” moment was special for Ed - we see that he’s come to understand that NOW in the flashback in Red Flags. He didn’t realize that to Ed, Stede is special. In all the moments that we understand Ed has been vulnerable because he’s willing to open up to Stede, Stede doesn’t have our insight. Not because he’s emotionally unintelligent - I would argue he’s generally well aware of how people see him - the problem is that NO ONE has seen him as worthy before and therefore is very easy to undervalue his significance.
If we look at all the scenes that we as an audience can tell are meaningful to Ed, from Stede’s perspective he’s either unaware of Ed’s motivations even though the audience is aware (the treasure scene) or can, through the dialogue or lack thereof, discount the importance because of his poor self-worth. For instance, in the bathtub scene, Ed specifically says he outsources the big job - Ed has told Stede he doesn’t kill people not personally - it implies Ed’s decision to NOT kill Stede isn’t all that big a deal or at least to a person who doesn’t see their value (Stede) it would be very easy to write off the idea that Ed specifically didn’t want to kill Stede. Stede is aware that the fuckery has been triggering for Ed - this doesn’t make Ed’s confession any less impactful but it does bring into question the reasons behind his decision to not kill Stede. For Stede, it can easily be explained by saying “Ed has just relived a traumatic moment, he’s currently dealing with a heavy emotional burden, Ed doesn’t kill people (he just said so) and so he doesn’t want to kill me because it would be further trauma. Ed didn’t even see me as his friend so I’m simply a random person who happens to be here.” There, a neat little box of reasons that has nothing to do with Stede - not in any meaningful way, he’s merely a prop in the story.
On the cliff, that was the first time he was even aware he was having an impact on Ed in any sort of meaningful way. Ed had literally, just walked away, yeah he came back but it’s not that difficult to see how it seemed easy for Ed to leave. Ed opted not to be Blackbeard anymore ostensibly to save Stede but, Stede is aware that Ed’s been thinking about packing it all in for a while now. Stede doesn’t understand how big an influence he’s had on Ed. It would be easy to say that he did ruin history’s greatest pirate because he put Ed in a position where he felt obligated to save Stede. Stede knows that Ed knows that Izzy sold them out. Ultimately, Ed put Stede in the position of being found by Chauncey and his first mate made that possible. It’s not that much of a stretch to assume that Ed simply feels guilty for putting Stede in that position and is saving him from the firing squad because of that guilt. Stede doesn’t see his worth and can’t imagine that it’s him as a person that Ed is attracted to, that Ed adores. That Ed’s quasi- or Izzy’s direct involvement in bringing about the situation has nothing to do with Ed’s decision because that would mean giving himself more credit, giving himself more agency and Stede has routinely been told that he has none, he never earned his status and he never will. The things he enjoys are worthless and weak.
Stede so undervalues himself that excuses for people NOT hurting him or saving him can’t be due to his appeal or importance. He’s unimportant, therefore Ed’s reactions and decisions have little if anything to do with him.
This is the repressed trauma that he carries around with him, that he buries beneath the smiles and silliness. He has moments of working through that (“I am adequate”) but that doesn’t remove the deep-rooted insecurities. The fact that he gets up and smiles and allows himself to be silly speaks to his strength of character. The moments when the demons rear their heads are so impactful but the fact that they return below the surface doesn’t mean they go away, it doesn’t mean he’s defeated them. Is it healthy? No. Is it still so courageous? Abso-fucking-lutely. He’s simply one of the strongest, most capable, genuinely wonderful characters BECAUSE he does all he does, saving the crew, working against his selfishness (most of the time), trying to figure out who he is and where he fits in the world while carrying this burden of internalizing his worthlessness.
#anyway Stede is so underrated while still being gushed over and that's a mindfuck#stede bonnet#the gentleman pirate#edward teach#ed teach#blackbeard#gentlebeard#blackbonnet#ed x stede#our flag means death#ofmd#ofmd season 2#ofmd s2
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A Strange(r’s) Comfort | Peter Parker
A/N: had this idea right after i saw nwh which was...years ago now lol. rewatched it again recently so here’s me dusting off a wip that’s been sitting in my drafts. basically, this is just me giving peter some comfort in a way, bc that boy really needs one :((
》 PAIRING: peter parker x female!reader
》 TROPE/GENRE: strangers to lovers (mostly implied); soft angst; hurt/comfort
》 SUMMARY: Peter found a strange comfort in the graveyard, no less. But hearing about your day-to-day had been the highlight of his. And when one night led to the both you showing vulnerability, suddenly, Peter didn't feel so alone anymore. Maybe a stranger's comfort wasn't so bad.
》 WARNINGS: Spoilers? (i mean it’s been a while); bad jokes/puns (one about chicken & one about sex lmao); peter eavesdropping (sorta...ya know, enhanced hearing); it’s mostly set in the graveyard so...; mentions of: death, car accident, drunk drivers, being in jail for a moment, petty theft, peer pressure; and overall just dealing with grief and peter & reader bonding over their experience with grief.
》 WORD COUNT: 5.2k+ (issa baby fic)
📍 BLOG NAVIGATION
✩ P. PARKER MASTERLIST ✩ MAIN MASTERLIST ✩
⊱ ─────.⋅♚ *｡･ﾟ.★. *｡･ﾟ✫*.
Some might consider it unhealthy, but was there really a 'right' way to deal with the loss of someone you hold near and dear to your heart? They might even say it was excessive, but who were they to police him? They didn't know what he was going through. They could never understand what he was going through.
A part of him had excused it with his wounds being fresh, that with time, he'd be able to learn not to dwell too long on the remnants of the people he loves. Maybe with time, he'd be able to move on, something that seemed so impossible at the moment. But he'll get there—well, he hoped so, at least.
Either way, there was no doubt that everyone handled grief differently.
For Peter Parker, that was visiting May's grave every day.
Once was enough.
That was what he limited himself to, at least.
But still, it was barely enough to settle the demons in his head. Barely enough to stop him from replaying the scene over and over.
Peter had been recalculating in utter desperation as to what else he could've done better, what else he could've done more to save her.
That was what it was like most nights.
Some nights, though, his mind would switch things up a bit, thinking that maybe he was going about it wrong. Maybe it was a case of what he shouldn't have done.
Those nights Peter sometimes found himself picking apart every choice he'd ever made before it led to that point.
Maybe if he hadn't chosen to go on that stupid school trip to Europe then this wouldn't have happened. Maybe his identity wouldn't have been revealed and it wouldn't have led for that first domino to tumble, knocking over the rest that made his life turn for the absolute worse.
Or maybe, he didn't need to go that far back in the past. Maybe he simply shouldn't have chosen to question Dr. Strange's decision to send those villains back to where they came from immediately.
But sadly, that was all there was to it.
Peter's thoughts were simply and only just a whole bunch of unanswerable maybes.
Maybe this, maybe that. Maybe he owed it to them to try his best and fix things, maybe he didn't owe them anything at all. Maybe it was the wrong choice to try and save everyone, maybe it was right.
Aunt May said he did the right thing.
But it didn't feel like it sometimes.
Hell, it didn't even feel like it was even worth it. And no matter how much he tried to tell himself that it was right, his thoughts still managed to convince him that every. single. choice he made was simply wrong.
It wasn't even difficult to come to that conclusion anymore. Because ever since he got bitten by that spider, his loss considerably outweighed all his wins. And from then onwards, it just felt like he kept losing, and losing, and losing, and losing.
Right now, the most mundane thing he'd been losing lately was sleep, at the very least.
He'd gotten a job as a delivery guy at this small chicken joint a couple of streets down his apartment. Some might call it cheating—in his opinion, it was simply taking a shortcut—but he'd leave the bicycle they'd lend him in an alleyway and just swing the chickens to their destination. Sure, changing in and out of his suit was a bit tiring but it was definitely far better than dealing with New York traffic.
Apart from that, he'd also begun with some freelance photography work, dusting off the old DSLR camera Ben and May got him. He got decent at it a while back. But it got long forgotten the minute they bought him his first video game console, two years later.
He was starting off small, from random birthday parties to taking photos of restaurants or any establishment that was looking to use the pictures for ads or whatever. He was up for anything, anyone who didn't mind getting an okay photo at best.
There wasn't much to it, though, since nobody was really keen on hiring someone who didn't have experience. As a matter of fact, he didn't even have a high school diploma. Which had now led to him sacrificing countless hours of studying for his GED tests.
So, it was safe to say that he was handling a lot, especially juggling it with his still ongoing nighttime patrols.
Yet all of that seemed so much easier compared to what he had to deal with once he was lying in bed, wide awake even if it was past midnight. What went on in his day-to-day was only a fraction of the reason why he was losing sleep because his damning thoughts just had a habit of being so loud once everything else had quieted down.
It was hard as it was dealing with grief, even though he for sure had dealt with it more times than needed in such a short amount of time.
But what was more difficult about it this time around, was dealing with alone.
And Peter Parker was truly and utterly, alone.
No fellow Avenger to advise on ways to deal with this. After all, they were the only people who could understand even the slightest bit of what he was going through.
Saving the rest only to fail at saving one, losing someone in the midst of fighting for the rest of the world.
No Happy to offer some guidance on dealing with the loss of someone near and dear to you. Or for him to just be there as someone Peter could relate to, just like when Tony had died.
No Ned and MJ to give him company, offer their different ways of comfort as best as they could. They weren't there to simply make him laugh, offer that tiniest moment of reprieve, distract him with their theories and arguments about anything and everything to help him escape from, well, everything.
Right now, Peter had no one.
Going from having the people he truly cared about be only one call away, to suddenly being someone labeled as 'unknown number' in their contact lists, it was difficult.
But maybe he would just learn to live with it.
And maybe the first step to being able to live with his grief was to visit May frequently.
It didn't matter what time of the day it was. Whether it was early morning or just a few minutes after lunch, or when the sky started tinting orange as the sun slowly set. Midday or midnight, dusk or dawn, it didn't matter as long as he could visit her just once.
Maybe a part of him was hoping that by some miracle he'd hear her voice again, telling him, even if it was the last time, that you're going to be okay.
Peter needed it, so badly. He needed to be told that things would turn out alright because him being fine? It seemed like a far-off dream at this point.
He'd been to space, been to the mirror dimension, fought villains from other universes, been the center of a spell that erased people's memories and made them forget who he was.
Surely hearing the voice of a loved one that had passed wasn't too much to ask?
Yet every day, every moment he ventured into the graveyard, he was met by silence.
Well, aside from the distant hum of New York as life moved on. There was also the deep howl of the wind at night, a few cracking branches accompanied by the soft coo of crows.
Some would probably find peace from all the white noise, but Peter couldn't say he found any comfort in it. He'd only grown accustomed to it, used to tuning out the rest of the world to avoid being reminded of a life he once had.
Still, quietness had always been typical during his visits.
That, until one Saturday afternoon.
•••
Peter sensed another person approaching before he could even see them.
The soft crunch of fallen leaves was what he heard first, followed by a soft humming of some holiday song.
He looked up from the book he was reading, curious eyes landing on someone carrying flowers, a slight pep in her step which was unusual given the location.
Still, there was something about you that Peter couldn't help but be drawn to.
"There we go, all nice and clean," he heard you say, rustling of dried leaves and the soft brushing of clothes following suit. "And flowers well hydrated with bottled spring water."
You were talking to yourself.
It was a habit, he assumed. You just seemed comfortable doing it, as if you were having a mundane conversation with someone else.
Peter found it oddly endearing.
"I brought your favorite this time Dad because I am sure you're complaining to Mom why I always bring her favorite flowers," you explained with a soft laugh. "I sometimes forget you're a flowers type of guy, too."
No—you weren't talking to yourself.
You were talking to the gravestone.
His curiosity piqued even more.
It wasn't that you were being loud, either. Not at all. You were speaking softly as you typically would if you were by yourself in a graveyard, no less.
But because of his enhanced hearing, he simply couldn't help but listen.
"Sorry I haven't been here for a little while, just been busy with you know, moving, college, finding a job with a minimum wage that will not cover rent alone so what even is the point? We look for a job to survive but when we do find a job it doesn't even pay you enough to get by? Some people don't even hire you because 'not enough experience' and I'm like, duh? I'm trying to gain experience hence why I'm applying? Who even invented this shithole?"
Peter found himself nodding along, unable to argue with your claims when they were filled with nothing but the truth.
"Sorry, sorry, it just doesn't make a damn sense," you sighed. He could almost hear you rolling your eyes. "Anyway, I then have other adult things I really don't want to deal with like learning how to deal with taxes and stuff which is so dumb given I'm close to broke and—where does my tax go, anyway? Some politician's tenth vacation to the Bahamas, probably."
For the first time in a long while, Peter cracked a smile.
"Ugh, I am sorry, I promise I don't come here only to complain to you guys," you said, "But I am doing okay…"
He couldn't really explain the 'why,' but the soft tug in his heartstrings was definitely real when he heard the melancholia in your voice.
"The holidays are coming up," you said softly, the slight shake in your tone unmistakable. Yet as it rushed to the surface, it was just as quickly replaced with a chipper one.
"They always tell me how you both are watching over me now. But I don't know if I really want that," you sighed exaggeratedly. "Not because I hate you guys. But imagine if I was having sex? I really don't want to think about you 'watching over me' because it's really uncomfortable."
Peter couldn't stop his snort, his eyes widening as he spared you a glance. He was as grateful that you didn't seem to hear him.
The last thing he wanted was for you to think he was eavesdropping—well, maliciously, at least.
"It's a joke, Mom. See, Dad gets it."
Silence hung in the air after that, a sudden gust of wind blowing away the leaves that littered the snow-covered grass.
But he had a feeling the shake in your voice wasn't because of the cold.
"I really miss you guys…"
Peter left at that.
He didn't see you again for the next few days, probably because he never did visit at the same hour of the day. He never actively tried to see what time you were there, either—if you went every day at all. He'd just become a stalker at that point.
So, every time you did cross paths, it was entirely by chance.
The next encounter was when he brought his lunch with him to the graveyard. He'd caught sight of you sitting on a pink blanket that was laid out on the grass, legs crossed with a box of pizza to your right.
Instinctively, you looked up and over your shoulder when you heard his footsteps.
Your eyes immediately locked with his.
Pretty was the first word that came to his mind.
Beautiful, when you offered him a sweet and warm smile.
"Hello," you greeted.
Peter couldn't help but smile in return.
"Hi."
Nothing else was said after that.
You both respectively ate your lunches in your little corners, your soft humming bringing a comforting peace, one he still couldn't quite explain.
And from there on out, Peter learned that you did go there every day, but it was only either at lunchtime or late in the afternoon.
Because whenever Peter went during those times, you were always there.
As he said, he never actively tried to be there whenever you were. He didn't change anything with his routine. He still went there at random times of the day.
You and him crossing paths simply happened.
And most of those moments, Peter couldn't help but listen in on your rambles.
It might have been wrong, otherwise, creepy, but it wasn't like you were unaware of his presence. You weren't being loud, but you weren't exactly whispering into nothing either. If it were an unenhanced being, they would still hear you, but maybe only slightly inaudible. Peter just had the ability to make out your words a little clearer than the average person.
Besides, all your stories had been mundane at most, quite adorable at best.
Like that one time you ran into a post because you saw a cat wearing some boots and a clear raincoat across the road. Or that time you missed your stop in the subway because you kept talking to a Corgi who was lounging comfortably in their owner's backpack.
"His little legs were so cute!"
Like he said, adorable.
But if it was something personal, though, he'd learned to tune it out. He made sure to keep those matters out of his ear, leaving your private conversations, well, private.
Yet your silly and terrible jokes, your gripes about society and the unfairness of the world, to your little story times and mundane gossip of what you'd heard on the street, Peter couldn't help but tune in as if he was listening to the morning radio.
It made Peter feel lighter somewhat, a feeling he never once associated when being in a graveyard.
He didn't know if it was your stories, or if it was simply hearing that soft tone of your voice. Either way, he found it comforting, which was so strange.
Never had he ever thought he would find comfort from a stranger, no less.
A strange comfort.
•••
"People always ask why did the chicken cross the road. They never ask why the chicken didn't cross the road."
Peter perked up in curiosity, ready to hear another of the many jokes you'd completely ruined.
He found it absolutely hilarious how you were churning typical and old punchlines into horrible ones.
The funniest part was, it seemed like you were doing it on purpose.
"Why, you ask? Because they physically can't anymore," you said, pausing for added effect. "People enjoy eating chicken legs way too much."
Peter's eyes grew wide, gaze landing on the chicken leg he just finished. He couldn't stop the sound that escaped his lips.
It was a mix between a wheeze, a laugh, and a cough.
Loud enough to get your attention.
"Hey," you called, voice sounding closer. "Are you okay?"
"Oh—uhm, hi," he stammered, caught off guard when you were now suddenly in front of him. Clearing his throat, he nodded. "And yeah, I'm good,"
"Do you need some water?" You offered him a bottle.
"No, no, I've got my own," he declined, lifting his bottle. "But thank you."
"Oh okay," you said, smiling sweetly. "It just sounded like you were choking or something so I wanted to make sure if you were alright."
Peter blushed.
"No, I was…uhm—" He scratched the back of his neck. "I was holding back my laugh."
You tilted your head, bottom lip jutted out and Peter found himself thinking of ways to smooth out the little crinkled on your forehead, maybe kiss—wait what?
"Why would you do that?" you asked.
Shit.
Did I say that out loud?
"Sorry?" He blinked at you.
"Why would you hold back your laugh?"
"Oh," he sighed, mostly in relief. "Just didn't want to seem creepy and I wasn't…eavesdropping or anything but I uhm—heard your joke." Chuckling shyly, he smiled. "It was pretty funny."
"Funny because it was bad?" You raised a knowing brow. "If you say it was good then I'm really going to question your sense of humor."
"It was really bad," he admitted, breathing out a laugh.
The way your smile brightened made Peter's heart do a funny thing.
"Thanks," you giggled. "I pride myself in my bad jokes."
"Yeah," he breathed out, willing his heart to stop being so goddamn weird, what is going on with you? "And sorry for not helping the chickens cross the road."
You stared at him confused.
That was until he pointed towards the bag on the ground that had the logo of a chicken on it.
Your hearty laugh rang in the air.
Peter found himself growing warmer at the sound, the burn starting right in his chest and spreading to the whole expanse of his body.
"I—whew, sorry, wow," you heaved after a moment. "Haven't laughed like that in a while."
Both of you fell silent after that—not an awkward one. If anything, it was pleasant, like there was an unspoken understanding being exchanged with a simple look.
"This may seem like weird advice but try and talk to them," you softly said.
Peter looked at you, confused.
You gestured toward the tombstone with a sympathetic smile.
"They might hear it, they might not, there's really no way of knowing," you explained. "But what more could you lose if you try? Plus, you'll get it off your chest and that's always progress."
"I—" Peter nodded, the corner of his lips curling up. "Thank you. I'll keep it in mind."
You smiled at that. "I'll see you around."
"See you around," he hummed, gaze never leaving your figure even as you left, his eyes steady on the path you walked on as he mulled over your words.
It was kind of weird advice, but at the same time, it made perfect sense.
Peter didn't question it nor did he judge—who was he to judge? After all, everyone handled grief differently.
But as he sat down on the ground, eyes steady on the lettering of May's name, he found the words flowing out so easily.
"Hi, May I—" Peter took a sharp breath, blinking away the sting that started to settle in his eyes. "Wow. It's been a while since I've talked to you, huh?"
It started out simple, filling her up with what was new with his life recently—the job, his education, all those mundane stuff.
But then as he shifted from one topic to another, he inevitably started talking about all the things that felt so wrong. And once that train left the station, it was so difficult to stop.
It wasn't a complaint. It was an unloading of the baggage he'd been carrying around alone for quite some time now.
All the loneliness and grief, the boiling anger and consuming regret, the love and the love lost, to the bleak look of what his future held.
Peter didn't realize he was crying until a soft gush of wind brushed his cheeks, the coldness making him catch his breath with a shiver.
And then, a small white butterfly flew right in front of him, stopping momentarily before disappearing into the now setting sky.
Peter let out a breath.
Lighter and relieved.
It could've been a coincidence, or maybe it wasn't at all.
But what more could he lose if he took that as a sign that she heard him?
So with a small, tearful smile, he sighed,
"Thanks for always hearing me out, May."
Since then, he'd grown to tell May about his day. Some were tougher than others, while some were snippets of his new life—mundane and simple but starting to become fulfilling the more he looked at it from different perspectives.
As the weeks passed by, Peter's everyday visits became every other day. At first, the guilt of missing a day was heavily consuming. But it didn't take long for it slowly turn into a soft lull—still there, but not as bad as it used to be.
There was one other thing he hoped for whenever he wandered into the graveyard, though.
To see you again.
If it was one last time just so he could say thank you, then he'd take it.
That didn't mean he wasn't wishing for it to be more.
•••
The hair on every inch of Peter's body stood up when he heard it.
It was definitely not his spider sense going awry. This was very much a human reaction.
Well, he could imagine that when the first thing a person would hear as they venture into a graveyard in the dead of the night was crying, even the toughest men would get spooked.
But as soon as Peter located the source of the sound, his heart broke.
He wasn't expecting to find you, sat on the cold ground alone, hugging your knees to your chest, body shaking with sobs.
His first instinct was to fight whoever it was that made you cry because how fucking dare they?
But with a controlled breath, Peter walked over to you, making sure to step on dried leaves so you'd be aware of his presence.
Your head snapped up at the sound, puffy red eyes landing on him.
His frown could only deepen as he slowly sat beside you, offering you a tender smile with his arms wide open.
You stared at him with furrowed brows, eyes switching between his face and his open arms, downright confused.
Peter couldn't blame you. After all, you didn't know him.
He was ready for you to yell at him for being a creep, to scream at him to get lost. He was prepared for you to push him away—hell, punch him in the face—and run as fast as you could.
But instead, your lips quivered, a broken sob following suit. With your head hung low, you fell into his embrace.
And Peter hugged you as tightly as he could.
He didn't say anything, didn't feel like it was needed. He simply held you close, rubbing circles over your back as he gently rocked you from side to side.
Crying it all out until you couldn't anymore was, most of the time, the best thing you could do at the moment.
So he let you.
Only when your sobs turned to sniffles to soft shaky breaths did you pull away.
"Your shirt," you gasped shakily, bottom lip jutting out as your eyes began to water again. "Oh no, I'm sorry."
"Hey, it's okay," he reassured, squeezing your shoulders before reluctantly letting you go. "I wouldn't have offered you a hug if I minded."
"Thank you," you whispered. "I really needed that."
"No worries." He nodded with a small smile. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"It's just—" you sighed, wiping your face with the sleeves of your coat. "It's my first holiday alone so it's been kinda tough."
"Me too," he hummed, smiling sadly when you looked at him, a mixture of surprise and understanding crossing your face. "My parents have been gone since I was a kid, and I was left with my uncle and aunt. My uncle died a few years ago so all I had left was her but now she's…"
"I'm sorry," you softly said, your hand finding his.
You gave it a squeeze.
Peter squeezed back.
"I only had my parents growing up," you started, gesturing at the tombstone. "Didn't get to meet my grandparents, never really met many of my relatives because they're all halfway across the world, so now it's just me."
Peter didn't know what it was, exactly. Maybe it was the warmth of your hand still holding his and your kind eyes bearing no judgment or pity. Maybe it was the sheer comfort you provided, one that he still couldn't quite explain.
Either way, he found himself sharing what it had been like for him. Sure, he left out details to keep his deepest secret uncovered, and to come and think about it, it was mostly things connected to Aunt May. But Peter definitely spilled way too much to someone he barely even knew.
He did not regret it one bit.
"I promised to protect her and I—"
"I'm sure you gave it your all," you assured.
"Not enough to keep her alive," he scoffed, tone far more bitter than he intended to. He caught himself, shaking his head. "Sorry, sorry—"
"Never apologize for how you feel," you said firmly.
Peter nodded, his attention caught by your thumb that was absentmindedly running circles over the back of his hand. You'd been holding onto it as you listened to his story, and he found himself not minding it at all.
If anything, a part of him wanted you to never let go.
"But I get it," you breathed out. "The whole 'this is my fault' thing."
"Was it an accident?" he asked softly.
You nodded. "Car crash. Some drunk frat boys thought it was a good idea to test out how fast they could go in their new truck into an open road."
He frowned. "That's not your fault."
"It is," you insisted. "They wouldn't have been out on the road in the first place if they weren't coming to pick me up in the dead of the night." Shaking your head, you scoffed, "I wish I could say I was at a friend's house but they were coming to bail me out of jail."
Attempting to lighten up the mood, Peter softly bumped his shoulder with yours. "Am I in the midst of a troublemaker?"
That earned him a teary chuckle.
He took it as a win.
"Not quite," you sighed, your smile fading. "Got hung up with the wrong crowd. They kept teasing me that I was too much of a miss goody two shoes and that I should live a little."
"Peer pressure is one nasty thing."
"Yeah well, I still did it." You shrugged, anxiously gnawing on your bottom lip. "A group of us were walking home from a party and we passed by this random minimart on the way. My so-called friends thought it was a good idea to dare me to steal one thing from the store, to break my 'good girl' streak as they put it.
"They all gave me ultimatums, one of them was either I steal something or they'll tell the whole school that I was the real definition of 'The freaks in bed are always the quiet ones' so my loser reputation is no more. They said they can't hang around me anymore if I kept being the loser of the group. It was tough because they were all the friends I had."
Peter couldn't stop the surge of pure anger that ran through him. "They sound fucking horrible."
"Yeah, and I was stupid enough to go along with it." Shaking your head, you chuckled, tone void of humor. "It wasn't even the owner who saw me, it was some random white woman yelling bloody murder as if I was burning the goddamn place down. And the second my friends saw the security guards? Oh, they ran, left me there to fend for myself."
Peter unclenched his fist, settling to rub circles on your back instead.
"It was one candy," you choked back a sob, gesturing towards the tombstone. "But the punishment feels—"
Peter wrapped an arm around your shoulder, pulling you in for a side hug when you started crying again.
"And you know what hurts most?" you whimpered, fisting his jacket as you laid your head on his shoulder. "Knowing that the last memory they had of me was just filled with disappointment."
"I'm sure that's not true," he said softly, squeezing you close. "They loved you."
"I know they did I just—"
"Wish you could go back and change every decision you made?"
You lifted your head off his shoulder and looked at him, eyes glossy yet he saw the flicker of gratefulness in them.
Peter felt it in himself too, an appreciation to finding someone who could understand even the littlest bit of what he was going through.
"Yeah," you shakily breathed out, letting out a soft laugh as you wiped your nose. "God, what a way to celebrate the holidays, huh?"
He chuckled at that, nodding.
It was definitely something, crying your heart out, spilling all your trauma to a stranger in the dead of night at a graveyard.
But there was only one thought that stayed at the forefront of his mind.
Peter didn't feel so alone anymore.
"Yeah," he hummed, a shy smile playing on his lips. "But I'm glad I'm not alone."
Your whole face brightened, your fingers interlacing with his.
"Me too," you said, smiling. "We're going to be okay."
Peter felt some weight lift off his entire back at those simple words of reassurance.
"We're going to be okay."
Teasingly bumping his shoulder with yours, you hummed, "I'm Y/N, by the way."
You both laughed at the absurdity of it, getting to know each other's pain, regret, hurt and grief before even getting the chance to know a name.
"Peter," he sighed, squeezing your hand. "Peter Parker."
Later that night, he somehow gathered up the courage to ask if you wanted to get some hot cocoa with him. And when you said yes with that smile he'd grown to adore so much, Peter had an inkling that you wouldn't stay a stranger to him in the long run.
But for now, as you laid your head on his shoulder, your soft breaths visible in the cold air, tiny snowflakes on your lashes, face glowing underneath the moonlight, warmth and contentment bloomed in his chest.
Peter was smiling.
Genuine and pure, and perhaps a sign of a new beginning.
A stranger's comfort wasn't so bad, after all.
✫*ﾟ･ﾟ｡.★.*｡･ﾟ♛ *.
↬ thank you for reading hun! reblog & leave a comment if you enjoyed, feedback is always appreciated <3
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#asc#peter parker#peter parker fanfiction#peter parker x reader#peter parker oneshot#peter parker angst#peter parker x female reader#peter parker x you#peter parker x y/n#spider-man fanfiction#spider-man x reader#spider-man one shot#spiderman x reader#spiderman fanfiction#spider-man: no way home#tom holland#tom holland x reader#my writing
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People who are saying "you can't criticize Horikoshi, it's his story and he can do whatever he wants", etc. Yeah, it's his story but he's made it public so I can do whatever I want and if I want to be a bitch and I call hi, mediocre I’ll do it. Like I love Naruto with all my heart and I have defended Kishimoto over certain criticisms in relation to female characters, etc. I have also criticized him for the absolute shit that Boruto is, even considering that as a manga Boruto isn’t 100% his work considering that at the beginning he was involved in the movie but on the manga he was only a supervisor. What I'm trying to get It’s that if you believe that just because a mangaka creates a story it should be free from criticism then you aren’t ready to get involved with any type of media or sincerely the public believes that consuming a movie, book, etc. means being a passive subject without critical thinking.
That being said, Horikoshi largely deserves as much criticism as he can get because these chapters were truly a shit show since this last arc began. Let's just start listing first, AFO vs Endeavor and every hero in existence was too long and repeated for a large number of chapters the formula "villain takes the advantage, heroes take the advantage, the villain takes the advantage again and finally wins and move on to something else", all of this perhaps understandable to give some prominence to characters who were forgotten for entire arcs.
Shouto and his arc plus his relationship with Dabi, Shouto had a very interesting arc and incredibly much material to exploit but his arc and his relationship with Dabi never managed to take off because he was so tied to Endeavor that the interactions between them felt empty.
Ochako and Toga were honestly the only thing that was worth it, you could see the commitment to giving them both a great moment and the way she wanted to approach Toga and truly have a conversation. The only thing I can criticize about their ending is that obviously there is no completely satisfactory closure in giving Toga an answer to what happens next, apart from Ochako's offer of understanding, there is no easy way out of what the other heroes will do, therefore which I can’t criticize her for not giving an answer to a complicated situation in this way.
Also Horikoshi added things to his story that in the end he didn’t finish closing or that surely even if he touched them again it would no longer make sense, what happened to Spinner? What happened to everything about heteromorphic discrimination? I have to believe that everything is fixed by the good heart of Shoji telling Spinner that his way of doing things only makes the "achievements" of equality go backwards by giving them a bad image. In other words, we know that quirk society is discriminatory, especially in less urbanized towns, that those heteromorphs who reach places of power are the least and no real change has been achieved, but of course the victims of discrimination have to keep quiet and be good. So, maybe in the future they will no longer be discriminated. I'm going to be fair here, touching on issues like discrimination is complex, but putting an idea like this in the manga and then going for a simplistic or rather completely ignored resolution, because while a person may not share Spinner's actions, it’s understandable why he does it and simply saying that you have to be better because then people will see that you are good and not discriminate against you is stupid, Horikoshi covered a topic that he honestly didn’t know how to deal with or wasn’t interested in doing so.
Kurogiri/Shirakumo being just a plot device for Aizawa and being resolved in 5 panels, I'm going to be understanding and say that this arc had the least to explore, but in the end it was meh. Tbh I'm not going to criticize this because it is so empty of content that it is no longer worth criticizing it.
About Tomura and Izuku, the truth is what can I say the most that I haven't said in previous posts? from all the fights or confrontations it’s the most ignored, neglected and rushed of all, we don't know anything about them other than loose panels for a whole year, they barely interact and now Tomura dies, Izuku is "well, I honestly don't give a damn and I want you dead", if no one who has followed these two characters realizes the damage that this chapter has done to their conclusions then I'm not going to explain it. If Horikoshi felt incapable or was tired of his story he could have ended it with something else, however perhaps this was always the plan, we are talking about a guy who said that the second movie was the end of his manga,that is Midoriya without quirk giving it to his childhood bully. It's obvious that he doesn't care about Izuku as a character and I think he did care about Tomura but he didn't know what to do with him, which is why we have this ending.
Final note for any comments I may surely receive for calling bk a childhood bully. Don't waste your time replying, commenting or trying to argue, Horikoshi took it upon himself to make bk a gary stu who never faces real consequences for his actions (dying is not a sign of karma) and his abuse is never treated seriously by the author, because his victim never reflects on himself, which is ironic considering how many BK fans recognize that Midoriya has self-esteem problems, contempt, and poor self-care but do not recognize BK's role in this or minimize it.
#izuku midoriya#tenko shimura#shigaraki tomura#ochako uraraka#toga himiko#bnha critical#bnha 423#shoto todoroki#dabi#touya todoroki
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stop you're making me want to reread harry potter </3 ravenclaw!won has been stuck in my mind for DAYS
slytherin!reader who's in a relationship with ravenclaw!jungwon and is mean and cocky to everyone except won i am in shambles
slytherin!reader x ravenclaw!won random hcs!! ✧.*
STOP OMG anon this idea made me all giddy insidE i adore the ‘im mean to everyone but you’ grumpy x sunshine trope sANJSHS AND WITH RAVENCLAW JUNGWON AHHHH this is a bit longer than i planned but uh. enjoy JSHSJD
your boyfriend aka the biggest nerd on the planet (ravenclaw moment) doesn’t even see it most of the time
but the way you treat him in comparison to pretty much everyone else at hogwarts is VERY different
you could be like. about to fist fight someone or seconds away from pulling out your wand and hexing a gryffindor’s ass
all 😐😡😡👿👊💥
but then jungwon just
“y/n!!! :D” WITH THE CUTEST LIL SMILE AND OH GOD HIS DIMPLE :(
SUDDENLy every hint of rage and anger in your body just poofs into nothing and you’re just SMILING because there’s your sunshine with his cute nerd glasses and mountain of books
“wonnie!” you let him give you a big hug and the random gryffindor you were about to fight is just 🧌😦 in the distance
“guess what i learned in herbology today!!”
if pretty much anyone else asked you that you’d give them the most disgusted face imaginable and just.
“the fuck would i care? 🤨”
or
“when?”
“uh i think it was last satu-“
“did i ask? ☺️”
listen you’re just a very honest and straightforward person!!
but when it’s wonnie <3?
you quickly take all the books in his arms and lead him away with a smile, “what, baby? tell me all about it ☺️”
and by now a majority of the students in hogwarts knows not to mess with jungwon
because doing so immediately means messing with you too 💗
you’re extra strict on this because in the past your boyfriend did get bullied a lot for well. to put it simply, being a ravenclaw
luckily though, you were able to find out their names 😊😊😁
at first you were going to use magic but.. lets just say your knuckles were sore and bruised for the next week ❤️
doing the damage yourself was so much more satisfying y’know 😍
of course jungwon didn’t find out about all that.. at least you think
though he does get suspicious whenever one of his bullies stop even sparing him a gLance 🤨
when he confronts you, you just say karma did it’s thing and smile evilly 🫶
(little do you know, jungwon can read you like an open book and knows damn well you did it <3 however your cute proud smirk makes him decide to let you have this one 😞)
but if your revenge ambushes ever result in you getting any kind of injury, he’s always quick to bandage you up with a disapproving frown :(((
he sighs while whiping up your bloody knuckles, “seriously, i hate seeing you like this more than anything. why would you do that for me?”
you scoff, completely nonchalant with a small smirk on your lips as usual
you could care less about your fists when in the end, your boyfriend isn’t being picked on
“that’s a pretty dumb question for someone as smart as you, love”
he groans, “no y/n, really! they’re not worth your time, revenge isn’t the—“
“it is. it most definitely is the answer baby.” you grin, he sighs “now stop worrying about me and come give cuddles ❤️”
another thing jungwon gets away with all the time is bossing you around
you fr just take it like a champ every time without a word because only HE can tell you what to do
if anyone else tried to…? 😬😬
for an example scenario. you’re doing a group project in potions with jungwon (<333) and his other nerd friends
being surrounded by so many losers almost had you throwing up but you pulled through for won since you knew he wanted to be with his friends too
this didn’t stop you from being a dick ❤️
“hey y/n, can you grab the frog eyes?” sunoo gestures from the cauldron your group is watching carefully
“didn’t even say please,” you mutter, “who the fuck are you to tell me what to do four eyes?”
poor boy shuts up for the rest of the project T-T
“y-y/n,” jake would stutter nervously, refusing to make eye contact with you, “can you maybe g-“
“ask me to help one more time and i’ll stick that stirring stick up your ass”
but then jungwon sighs, making you frown because wait, is he disappointed in you or something??? :((((
“babe, you’re not contributing at all, go get the missing ingredients on this list at least”
you pout
he sounds so unimpressed :(
of course now you’re feeling needy so you rush to get everything for him and bring a bowl full of the ingredients back with puppy eyes
jake and sunoo are absolutely flabbergasted
but your bOYFRIEND who you thOugHt was an angEl from heaven STILL gives you a disapproving look :(
“thank you, now apologise to my friends please,” he asks strictly
WHY IS HE TREATING YOU LIKE A CHILD IT MAKES YOU SO MAD AND SAD AND GRRRGHH
your frown deepens, trying to lean in for a kiss at least but JUNGWON MOVES AWAY FROM YOU???
“won…”
“apologize and you can have a kiss”
your eye twitches but you’re so desperate
so you turn to those
those two
gargOyles.
and murmur out a “sorry, i promise to help from now on,” without making eye contact once with either of them <\3
at this point sunoo’s jaw almost fell off because THE POWER HIS FRIEND HAD OVER YOU?? popUlarly known as one of the meanest students in the school??????
you dont even wait for their reply (because you frankly dont care) and turn back to wonnie who’s now- UAHSJHSN HE’S SMILING HE’S PROUD OF YOU?!!! :D
you pucker your lips in anticipation and he gives you a dramatic mmmmWAH
after that you’re just so giddy and happy and help by doing whatever jungwon asks and ignore the other two <333
secretly jungwon feels like his heart is about to explode because the soft spots you have for each other is 🫶
AUGHH my favorite trope ever sushjsbsh thank u for the lovely req <3
#delcakoo#delcakoo requests#enhypen imagines#enhypen#enhypen fics#enhypen fluff#enhypen fic#enhypen drabble#jungwon imagine#jungwon drabble#jungwon x you#jungwon x y/n#jungwon x reader#jungwon fics#yang jungwon fluff#yang jungwon scenarios#yang jungwon imagines#yang jungwon x y/n#yang jungwon fics#jungwon drabbles#enhypen imagine#enhypen x reader#enhypen drabbles#enha#engene#jungwon#yang jungwon#enhypen hogwarts#enhypen headcanons#enhypen x gender neutral reader
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Demon's Haven 17
they are so so comfy
—
masterlist
warnings: past torture, blood, whumpee wondering when caretaker will hurt him, self-worth issues
—
“Just focus on getting better. Okay? That’s how you can help.”
Envy didn’t know what to say to that. He didn’t know when the witch would stop pretending to care about him. Even if she was willing to take in a random demon—an already foolish move for any witch or human alike—she couldn’t possibly be alright with the idea of taking care of a demon prince. He and his brothers had a…reputation.
He wondered when she would stop being nice to him. When it finally caught up to her that he was cruel and evil and beyond saving. That he wasn’t worth her time except to cause him pain and show him just how wrong he had been.
He knew that’s what he deserved, but he selfishly wanted to enjoy her kindness while it lasted, however long that was.
Haven helped Envy back onto the bed, which involved him not standing and instead flopping onto the mattress as if he were climbing into a boat and then floundering embarrassingly. He felt his cheeks grow hotter by the second. The witch guided him onto his back and he was grateful to relieve the pressure on his ribs. She put a hand on his head and lowered him until he was resting on a pillow, then picked up a few more off the floor. She smacked the pillows with her hand a few times to fluff them, then placed them on the bed as well, Envy sandwiched in the middle. He could hardly remember the feeling of such luxury, even when he had lived his whole life immersed in it up until the angel took him. It felt foreign to him now.
“Good night…Your Highness,” she said.
She added the title as an afterthought. He hadn’t heard it in years—his subjects had simply used “My Lord” and his brothers, well, nothing at all.
“Envy is fine.”
Haven smiled. “Good. I’m not even sure how to do a curtsy.”
He smiled at that, and for some reason, his fear dissipated. That was, until he realized he was lying in her bed and she was clearly not.
“Oh!” he exclaimed.
Envy threw the blankets off himself and was about to try another disastrous climb off the bed when Haven stopped him. She put a hand on his shoulder—the less bruised one—and gently pushed him down until he was once again nestled among the pillows.
“No, no, please, just stay there,” she said, a bit exasperated.
He looked up at her helplessly. “I can’t just take your bed from you.”
Haven crossed her arms over her chest and erected her most put-upon expression. “You can and you will. Now go to sleep.”
“Okay.”
It was all he could say before he fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.
…
Envy woke not knowing where he was.
It wasn’t the cell. The cell was dark and cold, made of stone, and it certainly didn’t have a bed. It smelled of iron and copper and stinging silver, not the fresh and comforting scent of chamomile and lavender. Envy lie buried in soft sheets among various blankets and pillows—not the silken quality he’d been used to at his House, but which was still leagues better than waking up in chains with blood streaming down his back from the previous night’s whipping.
He wasn’t in his cell. He wasn’t back at his House. And he wasn’t in chains.
He processed this information for the few seconds it took him to remember what had happened last night and over the past few days. The memories resurfaced blurry in his mind, a haze of activity after so long spent in nothingness. He’d been summoned at the best possible moment and subsequently spent three fearful days and nights in a summoning circle before making a soulbond with a witch.
Haven.
She saved him. She could have sent him back—and really, it would have been the logical choice. Who in their right mind would make a soulbond with a demon just because he begged for it? The angel certainly hadn’t ever cared when he begged for anything, though it didn’t stop him from trying.
She’d cut herself. Spilled her own blood into his just to save him from his personal torment. Helped him stand. Supported him on that dreadful walk through the city where he felt he might collapse into nothing but a pile of bones at any moment. She’d taken him inside her home, tended to his wounds, cleaned him, comforted him…
And now he awoke in her bed.
Envy hiccupped. A sob rose in his throat, but he swallowed it down. He sat up and drew his knees to his chest—still wrapped in bandages. The place he awoke in was a mess, but it was a lived-in sort of chaos. Not one that he was familiar with. Sunlight streamed in through gauzy curtains half-drawn over dusty windows. Plants grew from a box just outside it, and more rested in pots on the sill. Some hung from baskets attached to the ceiling with thick rope tied into mesh holders. Books lined the shelves. Clothes littered the floor.
Haven, the witch herself, had curled up in a chair that resembled a giant nest. The cushion it held was just a circle set into a wooden frame, and Haven had surrounded herself in it with blankets made of patchwork cloth scraps of all different colors sewn together.
It wasn’t a dream. It took a few moments for this thought to settle in, for Envy to realize that he was really, truly, out. He was safe, if only for the moment. It felt strange to him after so long spent in darkness, wishing for some kind of reprieve, anything, anything. He almost couldn’t believe it was real.
Haven had been so kind to him. More than he deserved.
Then he remembered what he’d told her. His name—and all that came with it. His identity, his past, his wickedness. He remembered the fear on her face, the way she’d jumped from the bed and backed away, the way her eyes scanned the room as if to search for a weapon. He had no illusions that she wouldn’t hurt him if he gave her aim to, so he was determined not to give her any reason. He’d make himself as nonthreatening as possible. Take up as little space in her cluttered home. He’d live like a ghost, if that was her wish.
He sat, still and motionless, until Haven awoke. He didn’t want to disturb her accidentally, for he’d already caused enough problems already and didn’t want to test how far her patience could extend before it snapped. He wondered vaguely what it would take, how far he could push until she hurt him like the angel had. What he would need to do to be punished.
He swallowed the thought. It lingered inside him, thick and heady like molasses.
He held himself still, arms wrapped around his legs drawn up to his chest. Moving through the sheets made noise, however slight, and he didn’t want to wake the very person who had given up her own bed for him to sleep in. It wasn’t bad. The morning was rather pleasant. He was clean, and not in chains, and not in pain. He hadn’t slept in a proper bed in ages so he wasn’t used to the softness and spent a few minutes just admiring the sensation. He let his eyes close and tilted his head back, feeling the warm sun on his face, sighing.
“Envy?”
He jolted. The movement sent a pillow to the floor, causing him to wince. All at once, whatever peace he had managed to gain in the previous moment had fled him during this one.
Haven shifted in her nest-chair and let out a small groan. She reached her arms up above her head and stretched, blinking the sleep out of her eyes. Envy waited patiently, unmoving. The witch squinted at her resting place, momentarily confused like she didn’t know how she’d gotten there.
Haven sat up in her nest chair, a variety of multicolored pillows falling to the floor around her. A blanket slid off her shoulders to pool around her hips. She still had on the same dress from yesterday.
“I—” Envy began in a weak voice.
“You’re awake.”
He nodded.
Haven stretched again, then glided out of the nest-chair amid a tumble of pillows and blankets. She padded over to the bed, and Envy willed himself not to flinch. All she did was pick up the fallen pillow and set it back at the head of the bed.
“Sorry…” Envy began.
Haven held up a hand to stop him. “Don’t worry about it.”
“Did I wake you?” he asked tentatively.
Haven shook her head and smiled. She reached toward him and Envy ducked on instinct, thinking she was about to hit him, but she merely went to touch a bandage that had come loose at shoulder, but paused when she noticed his reaction. She gave him a sheepish look.
“Sorry. Didn’t mean to.”
“It’s fine.”
She sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. Envy eyed her movements warily. He set his hands down on the bed, but kept his legs pressed against his chest.
“How are you feeling?” Haven asked.
Envy opened his mouth to respond, then thought better of it. He needed to give her an answer, to not say anything would be rude, and even when he thought he could push her to hurt him, he didn’t want to, he just wanted an end to the pain. He was in so much pain.
It came back to him once he awoke, the effects of his wounds. The pleasurable feeling of being clean and sleeping on a soft mattress rather than a cold stone floor greatly lessened the effect, but the sensation was still there. The licks of the whip that cut into his back, burning fire in stripes down the skin that tore and rended the flesh. The holy water that had marked him, had turned his insides to molten gore. The weeping wounds, the dark bruises. The bone-deep exhaustion that still plagued him, no matter how much he slept.
“I—” Envy began.
He could tell her the truth. He was already pathetic enough as could be, falling all over the floor and weeping in her arms. But he could tell her he was alright, and save some face at least. It had nothing to do with him not wanting her to worry.
“I’m alright,” he lied.
“Hm,” Haven murmured.
Her eyes narrowed, like she didn’t believe him. Envy wondered when she’d gotten so good at reading him. He attributed it to his exhaustion—he was usually much better at this back in his own realm.
His old life.
Haven set a hand on the bed, an inch from his own. “You can tell me,” she said. “If you’re in pain. If you’re hurting. If you feel like you want to cry, or scream, or do whatever it is that would make you feel better.”
She looked up at him then, quick enough that it didn’t give him a single second to recover from her statement and he was caught in full view during the throes of his misery. His eyes had begun to well again with blasted tears and he cursed himself for it. He just couldn’t seem to stop.
Haven smiled gently. “I told you before. You needn’t soften your grief around me.”
A sob escaped him, one he had barely been holding back. Envy clenched his teeth, wishing it was enough to will some semblance of composure back into his expression, but the tears had already started pouring down his cheeks. Awful, wretched sounds came from deep within him, from a place he tried his hardest to bury.
“It hurts,” he whimpered.
Haven nodded, and drew him in close. Envy curled into her easily. She wrapped her arms around him, one hand on the bandages covering his back, and the other in his hair. She brought his head toward hers and their foreheads touched, and at once, all the thoughts in Envy’s mind that told him he was unworthy, were silent.
—
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The Return of Jill Valentine: My thoughts on the perception of Jill’s character, and her relationship with Chris Redfield
I saw the film weeks ago, and have been sitting with some thoughts since then. Now that the film is out in most places, I’m going to dive right in. The film wasn't the best, but there are still some things worth talking about. The handling of Jill's character development and personality, and her relationship with Chris are things I've seen discussed, and I definitely have some thoughts on both. There were many things that could have been done better, but there is also much I quite enjoyed about the film, and actually expected to see, because it’s just the nature of the franchise for certain things to happen.
That said, MASSIVE deep dive below.
As usual with fandom, reactions have been mixed. I myself, went in with lowered expectations as, RE tends to drop the ball on so much, and be very predictable. While I have several issues with the film (like pacing, and choices that seem to have been made for the sake of time constraints, or characters not being aware of certain things they usually would be), I can’t lie, the film had some things that I found mildly or very entertaining, and while it failed to deliver the proper return and real FOCUS Jill should have had IMO (and a not lazy design), it was nice to FINALLY see Jill interact with other major characters, and to see everyone get a chance to shine.
That said, one thing that annoyed me were some comments claiming that Jill was being icy towards Chris, and somehow she’s been ruined, and still “Nu Jill” from RE3make, who’s not the REAL Jill. Well, simply put, that is a bunch of bull. Jill Valentine is still the same character she’s always been, and what some folks need to take into consideration is that naturally, HER experiences shape who she is, and ALSO some of the personality traits people think are new, have IN FACT, always been a part of her character. Perhaps the problem is some people never actually had a grasp of who she is, and clung to their own ideas. Even with some less than stellar performances over the years, she never changed because of a voice actress, or a writer change. The core of who Jill is, is still the same. Different situations and characters have warranted different aspects of who Jill is to come to the surface, and forced her to develop from them.
Jill’s relationship with Chris in the film, is actually one of a close and PERSONAL bond (a near 20 year connection at this point in time). Chris decided to hear the latest on what Rebecca found out from her research (this was an impromptu visit). The FIRST thing she asks him is, “Where’s Jill?” Which suggests she is used to them being together, like they come as a packaged deal. Chris says he’s making Jill write up the report for their mission from the night before. Rebecca immediately calls him out for him doing that to punish her, and I was here for it.
Chris didn’t wanna get the 3rd degree from Rebecca, and impatiently asked her if her tests turned anything up yet. Rebecca explained it’s an improved T-virus, and all of the infected victims had needle marks.
Chris asked, “No bites?” She told him no. This virus was not spread via saliva or bite marks, and also THEIR victims, did not become infected. They simply died from their wounds. From her understanding, this virus wasn’t spreadable through the air, or saliva (bites). Chris went on to say they had to stop whoever was behind this, “Fast.”
What I found interesting was Rebecca’s reaction to his urgency and demeanor. She appeared to be thinking a bit deeper about what was really on his mind, when he said this.
She appeared to have assumed that Chris was in a hurry, because he was worried about something having happened to Jill, like possibly being bitten.
When Chris told her no, she had a faint sigh of relief. I didn’t feel she was really all that worried, because why limit it to a bite, when she just said the virus was spread via needles, was not airborne, and those bitten do not turn (which means there is no infection)? Also, if she was concerned about that, why not have asked about that sooner?
Rebecca looking at Chris like, “Chris...I KNOW you aren’t trying to call someone else reckless!”
Rebecca asked him why he was so hung up on that. She had me in stitches, because she called out his own hypocrisy (ironically she called him and Leon out on their BS in Vendetta as well…this time she didn’t display any regret in how she handled Chris).
This was kind of interesting to me, because the vibe felt like she was commenting on a personal relationship, rather than a professional one. She empathized with Jill’s situation, and made Chris consider the fact that, after EVERYTHING Jill had been through, here she was, FINALLY able to return to the field, and Jill more than likely, blames herself for what happened to her, and everything that Wesker used her for. She’s trying to make up for it. One has to consider that Jill literally has not actually been on the field for nearly 10 years at this point (late 2006-whenever she first returned since Vendetta and the start of this film). Rebecca was also correct in what she told Chris about himself. He too can be “reckless” and risk his life.
On one hand, I don’t like that, Chris hasn’t (apparently), considered Jill may still blame herself for the actions she had no control over, especially since the very first thing she did, after being freed, was she apologized to him. She even asked his partner for that mission, Sheva, for forgiveness, after explaining that she had no control, but was still aware.
Forgiveness has actually been a theme in many of the games Jill has made appearances in. I will touch on this more, in a bit.
Even with Chris, who sometimes fails to see the bigger picture on things, it was a little off-putting (for me), that after all those years, he wouldn’t realize Jill might still feel guilt and regret, and this is despite it already being established via Rev2, Chris and Jill had some private conversations (we at least know Chris talked to her about what she missed out on and how hard Barry took her “death”) during some of the time leading her road to recovery. However, I appreciate the writer’s intention. It shows that this isn’t a professional relationship, this is about a very CLOSE and PERSONAL relationship. Chris cares deeply about Jill’s entire being, and vice versa. It’s actually sweet that Chris believes Jill didn’t need to blame herself, and he just wants her to back to her usual self. The thing is, part of the healing process, is also being able to forgive one’s self.
Chris contemplates on what Rebecca said to him, and he then finds Jill and approaches her. Jill stops what she’s doing, and Chris tells Jill that he wants her off the case, and that she needs some time off (it’s not even given as an order, but more like a plea). Jill scoffs at that, like, “You can’t be serious!”
Chris tries to clarify himself, saying that it’s GOOD she’s back, he just does not want her to push herself too hard, as she’s been through a lot. He doesn’t say this as a mere “factual” basis, but this is Chris emotionally trying to get Jill to compromise with him. He’s telling her what he wants from her (to be on the field with a clear head/to be her usual self), because he cares. There’s no talk about a partnership or anything professional, let alone him not wanting to work with her anymore. This feels more like someone talking to their significant other.
Jill responds by bringing up what happened to her, when under mind control from Wesker. Jill, first, isolated the fact that she was ordered to kill him specifically. She would then say “all of you.” Although I do not feel the writing was taking into account everything that happened to her, or that she’s said this before (moreorless), Jill tells him she was aware, but could not control her actions. It bothers her that Wesker (and all of those who aided him), took her autonomy from her, violated her entire being, and then he made her go after the person she cares the most about, on top of leading to the deaths of others.
^A reminder that the FIRST image in RE5 is of Jill, after having infected a man, who was used as a trap to kill off fellow BSAA agents. She was made to sit there and watch this man BEG for his life, with her own body refusing to help him. She has to watch him suffer as part of her torture.
In RE5, Jill was always one step ahead of Chris, and she kept tabs on him during his mission. She was actively working against him (the opposite of her nature), until Wesker decided to reveal himself, and the fact she had been around Chris—right under his nose. Wesker taunted Jill when he ordered her to kill Chris. Jill appeared to also not be allowed to speak as well. I say this, because she spoke (with attitude) when threatening Irving to “deal” with Chris and Sheva, by having him inject himself with a dominant species plaga, and a moment such as when she told Excella and Wesker Chris and Sheva had arrived. When they face each other, suddenly she’s silent (seriously if they remake this game, get rid of the hissing cat crap, and let Jill taunt Chris…making it more psychological).
I wish more people would grasp how hellish for Jill, the story in RE5 was. Her story, and involvement was the centerpiece of it all, as Jun Takeuchi said himself. Jill KNOWS Chris is looking FOR HER. She sees him demanding to know where she is, relentlessly fighting to find her, but she is not able to reveal herself. Even when Chris shot her mask off, Jill suddenly disengaged from combat, and purposefully kept her face HIDDEN, until Wesker decided to reveal himself, and took the pleasure of revealing her to Chris, knowing what was about to happen would mess with Jill psychologically.
^She reacted to losing her mask!
Nicole SLAYED this line delivery. You can HEAR Jill’s anguish in her voice. Chris would go on to try and let her know he can understand, at least part of what she must be going through, and warns her that if you let a nightmare stick with you, it can swallow you up. This is actually part of the internal struggle the main villain, Dylan, has.
Jill received what Chris said, and understood where he was coming from. She didn’t try to argue with him, threaten him, or blow up in his face. She calmly tried to assure him that she was fine now (which is not entirely true), and that he did not need to worry so much about her. Jill may try to convince herself of that, but it’s not really the case.
It wouldn’t be the first time Jill has ever minimized how she’s really feeling to him. You had her keeping her composure long enough for Chris to go pursue Wesker in RE5, but a minor example could be seen when they raided UB’s Russia based facility. When they made their way inside, Chris said this was the place, and Jill was like, “Yeah…”
The thing is, they always try to keep one another sharp, focused, and encouraged. So, it’s a natural reoccurrence, where Chris worries about her…excessively at times.
Again, with some people not understanding what is actually happening, I’m highlighting this to show the symbolism within this moment. Jill grabs TWO water bottles, and tosses one to Chris, assuring him that she’s “fine now,” basically to say he doesn’t need to/she doesn’t want him to worry so much about her. She’s trying to reclaim her life she had, to get back to her “old self” so to speak. This shows warmth and closeness. It’s like an invitation. Like someone saying, “Hey, come sit with me, grab a drink.” Jill’s not pushing him away, she’s INVITING him in. Chris is not leaving her side, and she doesn’t want him to. THEY BOTH KNOW THIS! Think about it. Jill had just RELOADED her gun, and was letting off some steam, but she stopped for him. She didn’t even complain about doing the paper work (assuming she actually did it).
Jill knows AHEAD of time, Chris is going to be stuck on her. She’s used to it.
^Chris giving no fucks about the poor pilot! I still LMAO at Jill’s glare at him.
^Jill already telling him to LISTEN to her, because she KNEW his ass was gonna be hung up on her.
“We can’t just leave you here!” & “Well yeah, but...” So IN character for Chris when it comes to Jill. I actually had to laugh during the film, when just like CVX AND Darkside Chronicles, Chris was willing to leave Claire by herself, but when it came to Jill he was dead set on finding her, and he didn’t want to be away from her. Heck he was about to ditch Sheva, and Piers even experienced something similar when he was going after Carla.
Jill LITERALLY had to repeat herself and put her HANDS on him to push his stubborn behind to leave her. Jill had to ask him a LITERAL question. “Don’t you trust your partner?” I’ve seen some people misinterpret this many times. Jill told Chris THEY (Chris/Sheva) had to stop Wesker, before it was too late. When he wouldn’t budge, she said he had to go on without her, as they were the only ones who could stop Wesker in time. She asked him if he trusted his partner, SHEVA! Like, after all this, don’t you trust this woman to help you by now? This is why both of them look at her! As you can see in my screens, Jill is even gesturing her hand over toward Sheva! She’s not talking about herself, which wouldn’t make any sense anyway, as they have trust. Chris needed to TRUST SHEVA to see things through. Have confidence THEY could make it, without her. Anywho...(:P)
Chris talking about someone being reckless, yet...
*Something those who played the 3ds version, will know is different right away.
When they were on their mission the night before, Chris got together with the local Swat team, and Jill went in ahead. Chris was telling her it sounded like it could be a bioweapon situation, and wanted her to cordon off the street and wait for backup. She calmly said she was already inside, and checking for survivors. He tried to get her to not rush in alone, but she got annoyed and cut him off before he could finish telling her it was an order. LOL! Jill was having none of that shit.
Her scoffing at him, for getting on her about her actions, is not because they are distant, I’d say, but rather it’s because this has been a recurring issue for them ever since she got back on the field with him. Jill’s basically trying to redeem herself, and feel more like her old self, by trying to stop the bad guys, trying to save anyone she can, regardless of the potential danger, yet more victims keep turning up dead or have to be put down. Then you have Chris feeling something is off with her, and he worries her actions will possibly get her or someone else killed. Perhaps now is the first time they’ve talked about it. Sometimes even the closest of people, have things they don’t talk about, or there could be some issues that a person feels they have to work through themself.
The writing doesn’t really give us much to go on sadly, we have to go with this idea, that there’s certain things they haven’t talked about. Jill not knowing of Piers really doesn’t make sense for many reasons, for instance, and I would hope the writer was just a little short-sighted, or simply phrased things a certain way for people unfamiliar with the games (maybe the games will address these issues in the future). When they reached her, he asked why she rushed in alone, and she said she wasn’t going to wait for backup, if there’s a chance someone is in danger (think of her leading Nemesis away from the subway station in RE3make or her attempting to save the security guard in the film). Jill’s frustration with his lack of understanding why she feels she needs to do this, is shown, when he brings up her actions again.
Chris mentioned “this guy” Piers, was someone he wanted to take his place on the field. Chris said himself, that after RE5’s events, he felt like he had accomplished all he had set out to do, and found the meaning behind what he fought for.
Thinking about the future, realizing what he was fighting for (which I’ll discuss more later in this post), and the possibility of other people like Wesker popping up, he chose to become a captain in the SOU, sometime after he and Jill returned from Africa (this path for him was something teased as an easter egg in RE5). Chris became overwhelmed by everything that happened in RE6— all of the death, regrets, and failures. He was DONE. Chris was so done, he chose the worst time to bring up Wesker to Jake, and did not care at all if Jake killed him, so long as he helped get a vaccine created.
^I included some parts of conversations between Chris/Sherry, Piers/Sherry, Jake/Chris and then Chris/Piers – to highlight how Chris was for sure retiring from the BSAA after this. How his behavior made him unpredictable and hard to rely on (which may be part of Chris’s annoyance with Jill in the film), and then Piers acknowledging that Chris did not need to recklessly put his life in danger with the way he approached Jake. He was not thinking straight.
His reckless behavior caused him to take Carla’s bait, and lead another team to their deaths, because his desire for revenge, and survivor’s guilt over the loss of his team in Edonia, blinded him to what mattered, and what was really going on.
Leon would eventually snap him out of that stupor, where Piers had been failing (part of that is because Chris was looking at Piers as his subordinate, not his equal). Leon physically stopped him from shooting ‘Ada,’ without knowing it was him at first, and he talked Chris down.
Their scene showed Leon providing a defensive, but more calm approach to dealing with Chris and his blind rage, rather than trying to meet him with the exact same energy. Chris couldn't win this argument, or deny the facts. Leon let him know there was a wider scope to what was going on, and that he was willing to protect ‘Ada’ all costs, not because he’s a “simp” (as some want to believe, but this isn’t the case), but because she’s a key witness to what’s going on with Simmons, and all of what was going on went back to him. Mind you Leon and Helena were also being framed by Simmons for the whole thing that happened in the US, and he lost a good friend in the then current president, whom he had to kill.
Ironically it was Piers who was shoving, violently, the images of their fallen comrades in Edonia, in Chris’ face, and telling him he owed it to them to remember (Complaining about the state he found Chris in even). Piers was encouraged to bring Chris to China depending on his condition (so he was not forced to do it, he just felt it was where he belonged) only because they had experience facing the BOWS present, and he told Chris he was bringing him back with his team, one way or another. Part of Chris, felt the only way he could remember and get his life back, was to join this mission in China. This meant Chris needed to take on a lot of responsibility. The problem was Chris was not ready for that, and HE needed time off. HE needed to be rehabilitated (dude even had acute memory loss from a severe head injury, and I despise how carelessly this game treated it and his mental health overall).
Chris was left in a situation with someone with the same hot-blooded temperament as him (even going so far as to tell Jake he’d have killed him if he had killed Chris, DESPITE Jake’s significance in saving the world). The whole FORCED Chris Vs Wesker thing being rehashed, made me roll my eyes, just like the predictable outcome for Piers. I always believed he would die before the game even dropped. Just because of how RE works. When Piers wasn’t meeting Chris with the same hot-headed energy, he sometimes made valid points to Chris.
Piers told Chris they should escort Sherry and Jake, and pointed out how Neo-Umbrella was after them. Mind you, that six months prior, Chris met Sherry, whom he knew all about from Claire. Think about that. Chris was so blinded by his RAGE, that he didn’t even CARE about Sherry’s well-being (he literally said they were on their own), after briefly assisting her and Jake. Chris was NOT thinking about how it would affect CLAIRE, if she found out that he NOT ONLY was the one who arranged for the chopper that Neo-Umbrella took down, and caused Sherry to go missing just as long as Chris was, but then he ran into her AGAIN, and left her to fend for herself? Imagine, what that would have done to their relationship! Then again Leon wasn’t even fully aware of the fact Sherry was an Agent in the DSO (a process which began right after Wesker was killed), and knew NOTHING about her going missing for six months! There is NO EXCUSE for that! That SHIT does NOT make ANY sense!
Chris, became distracted, and only cared about pursuing the snake that Carla unleashed SOLELY as a trap for Chris’ new team. Chris took the bait, and she mockingly said, “Looking for me boys?” She infected the only other survivor of their new team (who Chris couldn’t bring himself to kill before fully transforming just like in Edonia), and she said “Welcome to China!”
Piers lost his cool with Chris, because Chris kept being stubborn, and would not listen to reason. He was a loose canon once he resumed command. Chris had to refrain himself from becoming violent towards Piers, just to try and shut him up (Chris kept trying to use his rank to get Piers in line as well). Piers said some hurtful/triggering things to Chris once again, though I want to say his intention was to find a way to get Chris to listen to him, and think more clearly, by bringing up sore spots, like the rookie Finn. He even asked him what happened to the legendary Chris Redfield, and did he even care about their mission.
Some have claimed Piers should’ve said Jill, but the point is about this NEW ROLE Chris took on. Working with a new partner, Sheva, in RE5 was a big change for him. He never took on other partners, after losing Jill. He hated the feeling of being the “one who survived.” That’s why everything that would happen after RE5, depended solely on Jill’s survival. Having her back, made him feel it was all worth it. The both of them were sacrificing their own lives, so that others could live theirs. So, working with younger generations of soldiers that would entrust their lives to him, was a HUGE responsibility for Chris. He even told the team in Edonia, it was HIS job to make sure they made it out alive.
Chris no longer had Jill as a safety net, and it was no longer just them as a duo. He had taken on a new role with a team depending on his leadership, while she worked on reclaiming her life.
Chris had to deal with things like this. It wasn’t a surprise to me that Piers responded to Chris saying he wanted him to take his place as Captain, with reluctance. After everything that happened, it made sense why. He saw what happened to the man he looked up to, and aspired to be like, as did many others who had since perished. Though, we also would find out in the Marhawa Desire manga, which was set several months before the events in RE6, that Piers lost someone he was “very close” to, as Chris put it.
Merah Biji was someone Piers took an interest in. She wasn't the only girl (there was Sophie, and also him wishing he could say more to the “pretty” Captain’s Sister Claire), but she was the one he grew most attached to. Merah had lost her parents in the RC incident, and dedicated herself to stopping bioterrorism. She was a researcher who moved to the combat field. She trained against a bunch of men, and within a year, she was beating them in sparring sessions. The ace of the Far East branch, met the ace of the North America branch, both knew of who the other was…the rest was history.
When it comes to Merah, Piers was very much like Chris is with Jill. Giving her certain looks, taking particular interest in her and what she’s doing (even her eating habits), fiercely protecting her, and showing the utmost confidence in what they could do on the field together. They had a special bond, that CHRIS himself took notice of (smiling at them and even telling Piers to focus at one point), and he even told another character, Ricky, he wouldn’t dare let something happen to Merah, because he’d have to face Piers’s wrath. LOL! Merah moved him out of the way from an attack, and died from her wounds. Her last words telling Piers to work with Chris, and rid the world of bioterrorism.
^Merah literally was cut from the same cloth as Jill, and heck Sheva too for that matter as well!
So in a way, Piers was keeping a promise to Merah. I try to keep this in mind, in hindsight, as it’s very informative when trying to understand Piers’s own headspace. Piers himself was never meant to replace Chris. People talk about how the devs mentioned they thought about developing an alternate ending where Chris could die, but they didn’t do it because it felt cheap. They thought about doing the same thing with Jill in RE5. It would’ve just been a bad ending (like RE1 or Rev2). The thing is, Chris would’ve completely given up, and quit had Piers lived. There would’ve been no “good ending” if both lived. Piers had to die, for Chris to actually do what he said he needed to, which was to get his life back. They got the reaction they wanted from fans. This drama was done this way, because THEY felt Chris and Leon were too much alike, and since Chris just had RE5, they let him have the more dramatic story of the two.
Going back to the scene with Chris and Jill, one should be able to see how loaded Chris’s words to Jill are. He’s talking from his own experience without saying much. He even acknowledged that he probably would have done the same thing as her. Saying they always have to make tough choices like that. He’s telling her how they risk their lives all the time, but with them having been doing this for so long, they’ve become numb to what their fight encompasses. He warns her that they have to be that much more careful, because if they (not she, but they), let the numbness they feel get to them, it could engulf them right down to their very souls. Like, they could lose themselves in every sense of the word.
As a quick reference, this is Ricky from the manga. He’s trying to honor his uncle, who he saw himself a protector of, by trying to expose the woman who caused all of the tragedy. Note how he said he felt numb, as he watched all of the chaos and destruction in China.
Not once does Jill disagree with anything Chris said, but she’s frustrated, with how Chris doesn’t understand her. What she feels they need to be focused on. Why she feels she needs to be on the field, and why she’s behaving the way she does. It’s not just her trying to redeem herself, but she is pissed off, not at him, but at what this unknown bioterrorist(s) is doing. Jill’s real focus is aimed at the bad guys. Jill herself had been poisoned and used as a weapon, so you can bet Jill takes this personal. You literally can hear the anger in her tone when she says this. LONG ago, Jill made it her responsibility to protect others, and to fight so others could have futures (again same with Chris of course). So, if people want to dare say she’s a bitch for speaking her truth, and having some attitude then (like she’s NEVER shown anger/annoyance/frustration before, even though she wasn’t having shit from Wesker or even Barry in RE1)…
Rebecca must be a bitch!
Claire must be a bitch!
Sheva must be a bitch!
And the men are also just tryhard “boss bitches.” The list goes on!
All of that said, I mentioned earlier that Forgiveness is a reoccurring theme in stories Jill has been involved in. In RE1, her forgiveness/trust of Barry determines whether or not he lives or dies, and the impact extended far beyond that one game.
I included Barry’s story in Rev2, because Jill continues to have relevance in his life years later. Aside from references to her story in RE1 with Barry, Alex had used Uroboros as well (with Barry also making it clear he found out what happened in Africa…so I assumed he’d met up with Jill and Chris since her letter), but Jill’s forgiveness and understanding of Barry’s situation, is what allowed him to go on to live, and protect his family. He came back for Jill in the original RE3, and Jill (along with Chris) later invited him to join the BSAA, as an advisor. Claire even got to meet Barry and his family. Jill maintained her friendship with Barry, and she wanted him to heal his relationship with Moira, and told him not to be overbearing (in the Japanese text she outright told him she thinks he can be too meddling with the girls), and to cherish his time with his loved ones.
These connections would lead Barry on a path to find his daughter, and her overcoming her own fears, taking responsibility for her own actions, becoming a survivor, and appreciating what she had. Both of them were able to realize their own faults, and find forgiveness AND understanding from each other. Barry admitted he could be overbearing, which means he took to heart what Jill told him. Moira herself had also saw firsthand, the kind of loneliness and grief a father can feel, over regrets and devastating loss.
Brad abandoned the team at the start of RE1, out of fear, but hovered around the area, trying to make contact. He was never brave enough to face the reality of the situation head on. Ultimately him not leaving, allowed the remaining STARS members to escape alive. Brad chose to not fight back against Umbrella, like Jill and Chris were. In the remake of 3, Brad heard of Jill’s situation, and her plans to move out of RC (due to her investigation being stopped). He delivered a pizza with a slipped note to her, and Jill wrote back to him, though she never got to deliver it to him.
Brad, said he hoped that Jill wasn’t mad at him for keeping his head down, when the others had been trying to build a case against UB. He wasn’t trying to fight back, and was able to keep his job. He told her he had to slip this message using the pizza delivery guy. Jill was replying back to him over everything he asked about. Jill showed her forgiveness to Brad, by wanting to ask him to get involved, and pick up with where her investigation left off, IF he heard something happened to her.
If you look in Jill’s apartment, she left notes on her poster for this same delivery service he used, that ran 24/7, so she intended on using the same method as him, to try and get her package sent to him. Jill had been packing up her stuff to move to a new place (which is shown at the end of the game). Jill never had a chance to deliver her package to him, due to the spies monitoring her apartment (there was other activity going on in the city as well). Nonetheless, Brad would try to warn her about Nemesis, and after being bitten, Jill did not want to leave him behind, so he asked if they were still a team. She said “Always” (meaning she had forgiven him), and Brad told her not to fuck up like he did, before pushing her to go on without him. Jill thus, was thrusted into a situation, where someone she trusted was taken from her.
However, that said, look at Jill’s opening monologue to OG RE3:
Jill mentioned that no one dared oppose UB, and this inaction would ultimately lead to their destruction. She said that perhaps they had to suffer the consequences of their actions, but she would NOT forgive them. You see her shut her eyes like, damn if ONLY these people had actually done something. This hurts her. Jill would be placing blame on the traitors within the RPD, possibly those who chose not to believe their story and just carry on as if nothing happened (literally most of STARS was wiped out mind you), and those who KNEW UB was up to no good, and corrupt, for just sitting back and letting things happen. Look at Marvin in OG RE2, he said Chris, Barry, and herself, risked their lives trying to expose UB, but no one believed them. So it’s understandable why Jill would be hurt and upset (the remakes tell things differently though). Things did not have to end up the way they did. This is LITERALLY no different than how she feels in Death Island, as it was hard for her to really empathize with Dylan, because what he was doing was unforgiveable and he would not stop (much like Ada’s views on Carla in RE6). His nightmare totally consumed him. There was NO WAY IN HELL she would sit back and do nothing!
Even Chris himself had become desperate when all of their attempts to expose UB were thwarted.
Jill’s diary:
Jill wrote about how Chris winked at her, after she stopped him after he punched an officer, and the truth there, was Chris did this on purpose, so he would get “suspended” or go on “vacation” from work. Chris was fed up with not getting anywhere. It was Chris’s way of hinting it was all good, and he had something brewing. When Chris asked her to come over, late one night, she was shocked to see how he had been fighting on his own, without even telling her of all people. That said, here is what Chris said in his own diary:
Even though RE3 introduced some retcons to the lore, to account for Jill being removed as the lead of CV, they were very careful to make sure things made sense timeline wise. Chris mentioned that he was running out of options. If you look at his diary, and other notes, even in RE3, you will realize that zombies and BOWS were popping up BEFORE Chris left for Europe! Yet some people act like Jill has no right to be pissed off! They were trying to expose UB, and they were not getting help from ANY of the townspeople that were under UB’s payroll. Plenty was being covered up!
Days later Chris decided to “act up” at work, which allowed him to do some investigating without the prying eyes of traitors in the RPD and UB. Capcom would say that Jill saw Chris off to Europe, and continued her own solo investigation. The remake timeline however, doesn’t state that she would go off to Europe, and her plans were not suggested to involve joining up with Barry or Chris (though Chris didn’t tell her not to eventually join him). Her plans ended up being to move out of RC (before the events of the game began), so she could continue to find a way to hold UB accountable for their actions.
Seriously, all the BS about Jill having no personality, or how she’s been turned into something unrecognizable, or the bullshit takes about how she’s just like Chris (hilarious when really many characters are following their templates tbh…as I said they even point out how alike Leon and Chris are), and BS about how she’s a bitch because she doesn’t entertain stupid jokes from people she just met, especially when she’s focused on bigger issues, or has VALID reasons not to completely trust people on UB’s payroll etc. It’s tired! Some folks really do not have a grasp on these characters IMO, and some probably spend too much time projecting what they THINK a character outta be, versus seeing them for what they actually are. Opinions are fine, but people should at least KNOW what they are talking about, instead of spreading BS.
Let’s look at some of Jill’s bios.
Jill – joined STARS because she couldn’t abide by the evil threatening the lives of citizens, wants experiences that make her feel alive, is strong-minded, questions things and will stop at nothing to find answers, says what she thinks, in a frank manner, has a strong sense of justice and responsibility, is impulsive, but behaves calmly during missions, cheerful, independent and determined. The list goes on.
I’ve seen people talk about how she treats the UBCS in RE3make, as if she hadn’t been disrespected, or had valid reasons not to immediately trust them. She was spied on, UB sent nemesis, and Mikhail even knew who she was. I’d have red flags up too!
^Literally some think she actually changed. Trust from her is EARNED. After the betrayals she faced, and all the shadiness going on, it’s wise that she not immediately trust everyone.
Jill trusting any of them had to be earned. She tried to be helpful, and showed concern for many of them, even refrained herself at times, dealing with Nicholai’s BS. She even apologized for a rough start with Carlos, whom she had to rely on (she didn’t have the luxury of depending on people she trusted completely...i.e Chris or Barry). To say she changed in RE3make would be a foolish claim. Her situations changed, and she gave her fitting reactions to things. The characters around her ALL changed. She didn’t take bs (as usual), didn’t care for small talk, she was impulsive, spoke her mind freely, and generally put up her “strong” side, but when the time called for it, her softer side/tone showed itself. She even said “sorry” to corpses of civilians!
^Jill being considerate of other people’s conditions, and being supportive in BOTH RE3 games. Wow! Who knew she could be so consistent?! :P
I’ve said in the past, that this war on bioterrorism is PERSONAL for both Jill and Chris, because THEY were used as guinea pigs to collect combat data on bioweapons. Set up to be slaughtered all for GREED and POWER. They had targets placed on them after surviving that nightmare. Many other characters had relatives who were victims, and their lives changed, or it was by circumstance they got involved. So for Jill, it would be foolish to think she would be content with sitting on her ass doing nothing, or going to get drunk, to numb the pain. That is something typically displayed by the males in this series like Parker, Leon, Alexander (Buddy), and Chris. That reminds me…Remember that time in Vendetta, when Chris went to recruit Leon, since he had experience with the Los Illuminados (yeah they still exist post RE4 apparently)?
Chris treated Leon’s drunken state, a lot like how Piers treated him—getting verbally aggressive, getting in his face, and not really caring (at first) about what he was going through emotionally, because “I got a job for you.” And “It’s OUR mission to bring his ass down!” In both situations, they were hoping to find these guys in a better state of being, so they could just go handle some business against bioterrorists who, in both cases, there was a 6 month time gap as well. Chris became physically aggressive with someone, so he needed to be stopped, and Rebecca had to check Chris and Leon’s BS so they could focus on what mattered. This new virus had a trigger, and it was unknown just how many were already infected. She said, she didn’t think either of them were the kind of people who would sit there and argue, while the world dies. Leon sitting there feeling sorry for himself, and Chris letting a personal vendetta get the best of him (again).
The approach in how someone handles someone can make all the difference, and unfortunately Chris’s dialog with Leon about how he could relate was cut, due to budget being put more into explosions/action over character, and only left in the novel. All that remained was Chris restating he needed him (in his best state) for this mission, and he could use his knowledge and skills. This is NOTHING like Chris’s approach with Jill though. Even with Chris being annoyed by her perceived recklessness, he’s ALWAYS tender in his approach with her, even with this threat rapidly increasing in numbers.
Jill doesn’t blow Chris off when he’s talking about his experience, and allows him to speak his piece. Yes, she went back to what she was doing, but that’s because there was literally nothing left to say. She felt justified, and that was that. Chris is not the boss of her. She’s not his subordinate. They are equals in their relationship.
She didn’t kick him out or tell him to fuck off, even when he was trying to talk to her again, he also doesn’t fight her on her desire to pursue the bad guys. Jill told Chris that, at least with her, she couldn’t afford to sit around and think about the numbness, their souls, etc. They needed to focus on stopping whoever was responsible for what was going on. She TOO isn’t one to sit around as the world dies. Also like Rebecca told Leon, Jill isn’t trying to sit there and feel sorry for herself. Again, she is pissed off about what’s happening because of bioterrorists. She’s spent LONG enough not doing what she dedicated her life to. SACRIFICING things she would like for herself, for the sake of OTHERS in the world. We as viewers, have to consider Jill literally was an UNWILLING participant in bioterrorist activity, and the fact she had to spend YEARS before she could PHYSICALLY do the work she committed her life to doing. Based on what we know, again, she had been inactive on the field for nearly a decade!
Jill has had more than enough experiences where she’s been isolated and could do nothing but sit in her feelings. RE3make and RE5 both had her being caged, be it in her physical living space/city, or her own body.
She had people spying on her 24/7 for several days in the remake, she was worried about possibly still being infected from the mansion, having daily nightmares, and felt that UB would come for her (which they did with Nemesis).
You’re talking about a girl that CLEARLY came from a very outdoorsy/outgoing life. There were also other things and people she clearly cherished (two of them look like they could be Chris and Claire tbh). Her investigative work shown in RE3make, showed she was willing and able to dig deep to get answers. It’s no surprise that she was struggling with not being able to progress further. Her home became more like a prison for her.
In RE5, Jill was no longer being treated like a human being, but just as a personal test subject for Wesker, with OTHER humans aiding in his research and bioweapon development. Then she was forced to act as a bioterrorist, obeying orders from these twisted individuals. Consider how Jill really did not have a reason to hope for release, unless she had hoped and prayed Chris would find her. Even if she did, she still had to watch her body do things against him. The same man she had giving her life for. It was not done for the BSAA, or because “he’s my partner.” It’s simply because she cares that deeply for Chris. She could not watch him die. There were no last words or goodbyes. For Chris, she didn’t hesitate, and was willing to make the ultimate sacrifice, in hopes of stopping their nemesis.
I’ve referenced this multiple times in the past, but for a better grasp of Jill’s POV in RE5, take a look at her thoughts from the Biohazard 5 Kaitai Shinsho.
Jill had given her life for Chris, only to have Wesker save her from perishing from their fall. He healed her body, with the intent on getting his revenge on her. The same woman who called HIM a slave of Umbrella (which he’d just found out was true). After being unable to enact his revenge, the way he originally intended to, he was said to have wanted to give her a suffering worse than death. Death being the only thing he wished to give Chris. He underestimated both once again, and was so sure that Chris would not live to see the world he was set to create.
After using her to finish his Uroboros project, Wesker used P-30 as a form of torture and control. Sure he might have even been able to sell it for funds or something, but he had no real use for this chemical in his endgame plans with Uroboros. Bare in mind also, Wesker generally, does not keep anything/anyone around beyond their usefulness to him. Because he could no longer use Jill as his first test subject (her antibodies developed from her infection in RE3 made her immune), he found another use for her. He disguised her in a way that didn’t just hide her, but made her something to be feared, as she left death and destruction behind her, which went against her very nature.
^She has to live with these scars. Stuff like this is why she would want to try and SAVE a life. That is who she is!
The woman who thought Wesker was trash for how he manipulated and used Barry as a puppet for his own selfish purposes, he was now doing that, but on a far worse scale with Jill. It’s arguable that Lisa Trevor went through the worst situation of any character in RE, but the main difference here, is that things with Jill were done on a personal level, and her mind had not eroded—she was fully aware and knew who she was.
Even though Chris was able to break through to Jill, and push herself to fight harder to resist, Wesker would overdose Jill, knowing it would cause her to suffer even more. We as viewers, have to consider that the more Jill tried to put up a fight, the more painful fighting (for even just a brief moment of control) was for her.
You can see Jill grabbing her head, crying out in pain as she fights for control. The entire fight, anytime you see Jill like this, this is Jill FIGHTING to be back at Chris’s side! The same way Jill’s whereabouts were fueling Chris along his personal objective, Jill has Chris pushing her to remember him, to fight for herself and to remember who she is. His faith in her, allowed her to help him, help her break free. That is how powerful their connection is.
I know that was a lot there, but with that in mind, one can understand that, despite some shortcomings within the writing, this conversation between Jill and Chris in the film, is the very definition of INTIMACY!
I occasionally see people lacking an understanding of what real intimacy is, and some not even understanding that sex and intimacy are not mutually exclusive. You can have sex and it literally be nothing but a passing moment of time (and not necessarily anything enjoyable for those involved). It’s different when there’s more of a spiritual and intimate connection involved. There’s so much asinine discourse about who should be fucking who…literally seeing people act like Jill OWES sex to Carlos for instance, because he got her the vaccine, and I’m like, “Well damn! In that case, I guess based on all of her other outings, Jill would be giving her body to Barry, Chris, Josh, Parker, Sheva, etc. Don’t forget Kendo for making her handgun, or the people who trained her in her military career!”
I’ve seen even some shippers who focus almost solely on Chris and Jill having sex, as a way to “consummate” their feelings. Some even saying the ONLY VALID reason Jill has not been around or mentioned (even up through Village), is either they fell out, or because she MUST be at home raising her and Chris’ children. It’s bad enough other people will say, she must have retired because it was “too much for her.” Some even out here acting like ALL of the women should be ignored and the focus should stay on the male leads. Like PLEASE. I’ve always said, Jill couldn’t just up and return in some random ass story, without her baggage being addressed. That would be a DISSERVICE to her character, to ignore her personal story. Hell, it’s barely even touched on in Death Island, but the production team, KNEW they had to consider what happened to her, when choosing her to lead the film.
I’ve also said before that Jill would ONLY grow MORE DETERMINED to eradicate all of this evil and corruption from the world. THAT is who she has ALWAYS BEEN! It’s ALWAYS been part of her character. It is LITERALLY the reason she joined STARS. Also…Chris did order his soldiers to pick up the rest of the squad, before heading off to BSAA’s main HQ...IJS! She COULD be working with him, kind of like how Zoe made connections with him and some other agents. Chris and Jill do INDEPENDENT stuff as well, even if for the same cause. They just would not establish anything, without having re-established Jill’s character.
Now, about intimacy… Encyclopedia Britannica defines intimacy this way:
Intimacy - the state of being intimate, which is marked by the consensual sharing of deeply personal information. It has cognitive, affective, and behavioral components. Intimates reveal themselves to one another, care deeply about one another, and are comfortable in close proximity.
There are SOOOOO many different types and levels to what intimacy brings, and how it can evolve within a given relationship. Beyond sexual/physical intimacy and expression, there are things such as:
Intellectual intimacy
Emotional closeness
Spiritual bond
Understanding self and partner
Mutual respect
Communication
Vulnerability
Trust
Independence
These are qualities that exist within Jill and Chris’ personal relationship. It’s something they uniquely share, between each other in this series. They have both worked with others for the majority of their appearances, but the constant is their relationship with each other, sits above the rest. They ALWAYS find their way back to each other, and they don’t really feel whole without the other.
They weren’t assigned partners on one off or circumstantial situations, they chose, or rather they CHOOSE each other. Hell, one might argue it was fate, like how Chris said maybe it was fate how after killing Wesker, he ends up having to save his son, to fight off a virus. Jill and Chris already had a very close bond before we ever see them, and it continues to last even during all of the years they are apart/don’t appear with each other. Death Island makes this abundantly clear. Jill can ‘shoot the shit’ with Chris, right after having a disagreement. Not even addressing each other as partners, yet they operate as two halves of a whole.
They share mutual interests, and ideals, and know each other better than anyone else. They always keep an eye on each other, and show a mutual need for the other to be alive and well. They would stop at nothing to be there for the other (hell Chris didn’t even want to leave her behind when the whole world was at risk). They respect each other, they are most vulnerable with each other, and their trust has always been there. They don’t have to say they love each other, their actions show it, and others recognize what they have between them. It’s even been exploited by others as a plot point.
Hell, Claire knew what she was getting into by calling on the both of them. When Jill complained about not being able to get anywhere with their investigation, if they stuck around with the tourists, Claire offered to break away from them, so they could do their own thing. She witnessed her brother prioritize Jill over everything else, and was shown observing Chris’s reaction to moments with Jill! She knows what’s up!
^Claire is very observant. IJS. Heck, CLAIRE is guilty of the SAME thing, when she got STUCK on “the type of man she’s attracted to.”
LOL! It’s no different than Parker witnessing Jill’s desperation in finding Chris. The way she lit up hearing that he was ok, and hearing his voice. “Chris!” Not ONCE did Jill ever show the SLIGHTEST concern for hating ass Jessica! LOL! Chris was at least professional about it, saying Jill AND Parker’s names, but Jill was STUCK on Chris! As calm as she was in general, she didn’t even try to hide it. LOL!
^Parker suggested Chris work with Jill, fully understanding she deeply cared about Chris, and would probably feel better working with him.
Note that Chris does not say it, but part of the subtext in their gun range scene, is that Chris is utterly afraid of losing JILL. He CANNOT lose HER! Again, Chris has implied that since her return to the field, HE PERSONALLY, has been with her EVERY STEP of the way. Just like it was him, and him alone, who spent YEARS doing everything he could to find some clue that she was alive, as he REFUSED to believe she perished (a feeling that Jill shared over him as RE1 and her OG RE3 epilogue have shown). It was what was fueling him throughout the entire story of RE5. It was Chris who was still spending time with Jill after Africa (according to Jill). He’s being her consistent support system.
Chris was so desperate to find her, he was afraid to let go of any hint that she was alive. In this moment here, he WHISPERS her name to himself (whispering being a thing they both do over one another as well), and then he chose not to tell Sheva anything.
^He looked at Jill’s image, as if she were his lover. This isn’t some OOC fanfic, this is what’s been stated and shown on screen.
He questioned the value of all of his efforts, and for him to figure out if it was worth it, EVERYTHING depended on HER survival. His will to keep fighting, his next steps in the BSAA, and this war on Bioterrorism, all hinged upon Jill’s survival.
That pause in his statement says it all—Chris could not move forward without finding the missing piece of his heart. This is no different than how in the film, Chris was willing to look for Jill on his own. “I’ll find Jill.”
There are some who I have seen state they think Chris doesn’t, or wouldn’t want Jill on the field, out of fear of losing her, and honestly, I never got that impression, even from the trailer. With Claire, even with her skills, Chris has told her at times, for her to leave, or stay somewhere else, while he attempted to handle something. With Jill, he prefers to have her around, he doesn’t want to be separated. Even with the risk of BOTH of them dying. He’d rather die fighting beside her/for her. It goes both ways.
“Excuse me.”
“He’s all yours!”
Chris casually coming in, fighting beside her like the good old days. This is THEIR kind of fun on the field. This is like “old times” for them. You legit can see Jill’s amusement. This is what she needed from him. This helps her feel more like herself. These kind of moments make her feel alive! Even when his sister is around, he wants to be by Jill’s side.
This shows a man who wants someone close to him, to take a piece of the action (literally she runs like she was just gifted a box of toys to play with), a man who does what his other half needs him to, and a man who supports her, and does not want to let her face what’s ahead of her alone.
^You can even see him grab the prison cell bars, watching her, when Dylan attempts to test her, by trying to get her to kill Claire. He understands what this could be doing to her mentally, as this is TORTURE for Jill. I see it as him silently showing his support for her.
They are a battle couple that can be casual on and off the field. Their casual interactions help keep the edge off, and it’s familiar ground for them. It’s part of their consistent dynamic.
This is the face of an infected Chris, comforted by the fact Jill was still out there, which gave them all a chance. That said I want to highlight some things from the Umbrella Chronicles novels.
Now aside from these two joking around, like about Chris cursing around her, and calling Jill “sweetheart” etc., there came a point during their raid on UB’s Russia based lab, where Jill started to think about her past, and opened up to Chris about what made her who she IS. Why she does what she does. Honestly, it’s one of the most intimate conversations in the entire franchise.
Jill thought about a time from her childhood, where she was still so naïve about some of the grim realities of the world. She was injured, and while Chris was tending to her wounds, Jill talked about an incident with a little boy that was beaten and killed by his father. All of this happened in a small town. This changed everything for her. Chris wondered if she perhaps wished she hadn’t been born, and Jill was like NO WAY! She’s GRATEFUL to be alive. Chris worried about how PALE she looks…sound familiar?
EVEN IN THIS MOMENT, Chris is expressing how relieved he was to see she’s alright! In this novel, he’s looking at her bravely put on a smile, telling him:
“Chris was under the impression that she had been doing this all her life.” That is so powerful.
^Again...they are so consistently portrayed.
Jill is very head-strong, and she won’t stop doing what she’s doing to try and make the world safer. She can’t afford to sit around and do nothing, and that comes at a cost. After defeating TALOS, they had another moment, but I’m gonna save that for a bit. However, I’ve referenced this part of the story before, but look at Jill’s conversation with Chris about a life she wondered if she could ever have:
You see Chris was continuing to support Jill, even with his own injuries. It didn’t bother him (just like when he allowed her to rest on his shoulder in RE1 – that’s consistency!!!). They allude to what would end up happening in RE5, with them pursuing Spencer. Chris suggested the soldier seemed to like Jill, and she jokingly said maybe she should marry him. Chris is like, “Really? This guy?” Jill then begins to open up to him again. She expressed the idea of her getting married, building a family, growing old and watching over her grandchildren, and asked Chris if he thought she could lead such a life (a much simpler life away from all of this fighting). Chris, being his usual self with her, assured her, that she COULD have all of those things, but it depended on having the right “partner” (a term especially associated with them, that also has multiple meanings). Then he looked at her and winked. It says that this seemed like a new behavior to Jill. Somehow…that behavior caught her off guard.
One could interpret it in other ways, I suppose, but that’s a pretty heavy-handed hint that Chris is telling Jill, with no words, he would want those same things with her. Even with all the death around them, and their fight not truly being over, it was something worth fighting for, especially with the right person. Both of them have gone through it for each other. They are WORTH everything to each other. They don’t have to say it, because their ACTIONS tell their story. He’s telling her HE is there for her. He wants her to be happy, and he’s happy with her. When she’s down, or not in her best state, he is down.
One thing that always sticks out to me about them though, is how they END their stories. EVERY single joint appearance they’ve had, they are comforted by each other’s presence and have a moment. In RE1, Chris and Jill always choose to sit side by side. He allows Jill to rest on him. In their paired ending, originally, Jill would reach out for Chris to hold her hand, and then she observes him for a moment. They are both trying to take in what just happened, but they find comfort in each other. No words needed to be spoken. In the remake, he admires her ability to sleep and is comforted by her presence. They literally have no PEACE, if the other is not around and ok.
In endings leading up to RE5, Chris catches Jill observing the sky, deep in thought. He tries to comfort Jill, by highlighting their “accomplishments,” even though Jill is still thinking about the storms to come, because their efforts weren’t enough (i.e Wesker still being a threat), or come at a high cost (such as the presumed death of Parker). Even when he talks about other accomplishments, such as in this film, or killing Wesker, he looks back at Jill, and there’s this unspoken satisfaction, in seeing HER able to smile and have some peace. His stare LINGERS on her both times. In RE5, she’s happy and relieved Wesker’s dead. That brings him joy. One of their nightmares is over. He just keeps looking at her, even before his final thoughts are expressed.
There’s a reason why his closing statement in RE5, is stated when HE is staring at Jill. He doesn’t say her name. Just like he didn’t say it in the opening segments of RE5. We found OUT his “personal stake” was Jill. He was willing to throw his life away for her, above all else! He could not let go of her. Chris looked at Jill MULTIPLE times in that scene. He looked at Jill when he thought about the WORTH of his efforts (He’s not looking at Sheva…SHEVA is looking at THEM looking at each other), and after Jill stares back at him, he looks away with a grin. To have this moment, after all of that time apart, the hell both of them endured, a simple moment such as this, was worth it all. Fighting for THAT “future” they both strive for (one without fear). The way I see it, the UC novel, in a way, was suggesting that that life Jill would LIKE to have, is something being SACRIFICED for the greater good. FEAR, made her question if it was at all possible.
The way they get so stuck on each other (and it’s hilarious how some fans claim Jill harbors a crush on HIM and Chris is just married to his work… :P), shows DEVOTION exists between the two of them. I mentioned I was saving a moment from the UC novel, and here it is:
The take away I get from this exchange, is simply how comfortable they are with each other. Even with all of the suffering they endure, they are each other’s comfort zone. All of that, and Jill jokes about divorcing him if they were on a honeymoon. Chris says not to worry, as they’d be spared of such monsters. Project X Zone does something similar.
Not only do you have them doing the “Don’t worry” thing again, you have BOTH assuring the other, that they would always be there for each other (and they say it confidently).
You also have Jill “threaten” to call off their engagement partnership, if he dares start to emit fire and electricity from his hands!
Again with the consistency!
There’s even a non-canon RE1 prequel story, Biohazard: The Beginning, where Chris is getting grilled by Jill for withholding information (she doesn’t play about justice/getting to the truth!). Chris in various versions of the story, alludes to some feelings he has about her/her character, he tries to get her to stop interrogating him by suggesting she wants to go out with him, he pays attention to what is bothering her, they joke around, and he finds comfort in her presence.
Again, there is just so much consistency in the way their relationship is written all over!
All in all, I love what Chris and Jill’s relationship is, and what it brings out of both characters. I don’t care if others don’t like it, or don’t see it for what it’s been said to be about. I appreciate all it represents. The film gave me more of what I expected. The film did not do any damage to their relationship, as some tried to suggest to others in the fandom, and they damn sure had plenty of chemistry. They put smiles on each other’s faces! Some people even got worked up over Jill FINALLY interacting with other characters...smdh. Like, it’s about damn time she did! Still, in regards to them, it was just classic Chris/Jill. No labels needed to be placed on what their relationship is, it’s still as solid as ever.
Along with that, I also wanted to show a bit of how Jill has not changed, contrary to what some seem to think. She’s still the same chic she was in RE1, but with more experiences behind her. She’s actually very consistent.
I know this was a VERY long post, but if anyone enjoyed it and/or learned something from it, I’m glad.
#Resident Evil#Jill Valentine#Chris Redfield#Valenfield#Resident Evil Death Island#Death Island spoilers#LONG Post#Jill X Chris#Chris X Jill
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So I've been seeing A Viewpoint within the bg3 fandom occuring. And I gotta be honest. I disagree that the characters being bisexual in Baldur's Gate 3 means you cannot headcanon them as other sexualities for your own fandom content purposes. I think that's not reflective of how queer people and their sexual identities actually work, and its just antithetical to how fandom has always functioned, which is an exercise of imagination.
I wanna clarify up front: I agree that someone saying that a character Can't or Shouldn't or Was Not Meant To Be bisexual because of whatever reason IS biphobic sentiment. The characters in Baldur's Gate 3 are canonically bi/pan, thats made pretty damn clear when you look through all their content. That's not what I'm talking about. I'm talking about headcanons, au's; the kind of imaginitve play that is very much what fandom creativity is about.
If you set a standard in fandom that depicting a character as a certain sexuality is Not Allowed, 1. you're kinda flattening sexuality in a weird way, like personally my sexuality is complicated as fuck and has changed over time, and 2. you're limiting creativity. And I think creativity in fandom is extremely important. It's the whole fun of fandom. Creativity is worth protecting and its worth establishing the nuance between Depicting A Version of Character who is X and Insisting That Character Should Be X in canon. Because like... we meddle with character's identities in fandom all the time. That's what headcanons ARE, they change appearance, social position, career, faith, species, traumatic experience, moral and political alignment, and SO much more.
I think limiting what people can headcanon within fandom... is less fun! It's just less fun. Imaginative scope lets you do more, weird fun stuff. It lets you depict more complex interesting characters. Example: my Bad Nun AU. In that, Shadowheart identifies as a lesbian. Why is that? Because I wanted Shadowheart's experience within Bad Nun to specifically explore the history and context of lesbians within nunneries, especially how that manifested post Vatican II. These were also eras when 'lesbian' was more ubiquitos, had a different context and more flexibility; a lot of women that would probably consider themselves 'bisexual' now were identifying as lesbians, were in lesbian communities and events and spaces.
On that note: Flattening sexuality. You're gonna say people CANNOT depict these characters as ANYTHING but bisexual? That is not how most queer people's sexualities work. It simply isn't. I've identified as tons of different shit in my sexuality. I'm still not sure about it. For me half the time my "sexual identity" is just the words I use to communicate what I'm looking for, and that changes depends on What I Want at that time, what I'm looking to explore, my social context, ect. ect. like what. This isn't how sexuality works for real people. How are artists meant to be Creative and imaginatively depict real, complex, queer sexuality if they are restricted to depicting only what is within canon?? This is not how any other part of fandom works.
Fandom art should work how all art works. If someone makes shit art, it gets dunked on and ignored for being bad or lazy or lame. If someone did Heterosexual Karlach fanfic, I would be like "what the fuck why" because they made Karlach less fucking cool. Het Karlach would be boring and thats More Egregious because they DECIDED to make her heterosexual DESPITE canon. But even then, EVEN THEN, I don't think that should be looked at as off limits shit, because I don't believe art should have many things off limits. Any limits must be very nuanced, because art and creativity is nuanced. Obviously my brain would go "het karlach? you deserve jail time and thats queerphobic", but I honestly believe creative license is more important than those feelings. I WOULD happily comment on their thing, "heterosexual karlach is boring, thats a shit idea" because I'm right
If you want good art and good writing, you need to protext creative license.
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thoughts on marvin's abuse, care's existence and paul's transness
taking a break from my usual bg3 posting to talk a little bit about my newer hyperfixation through the lens of queer allegory
necessary author's note: i am an afab transmasculine nonbinary person. obviously, while i do believe my transness does lend my opinion authenticity, at the same time, being trans myself does not mean i can't be transphobic -- so if any of the contents of this post set off alarm bells, please tell me.
trigger & content warnings: child abuse, kidnapping, torture, general petscop badness. obvious spoilers for petscop in its entirety, as well as references to the recent youtube deepdive by nexpo.
TL;DR -- perpetuating the idea that someone can force someone else to be a different gender than they are is harmful to trans people. however, all things involve considerable nuance. to pretend that marvin's actions could not have influenced paul's sense of self in the slightest discredits paul's lived experiences, and i believe a more trauma-informed dialogue about paul could be worth exploring as a community.
my preferred theory explaining petscop is that marvin tried to make care more like lina through abuse and "failed". after this, care would eventually end up in lina's home, and transition to paul.
(simply to make all of this less confusing, i'm going to call paul pretransition "care", though i will avoid pronouns. this is not me trying to invalidate paul, it's just so i don't have to keep saying "paul before he transitioned" or similar phrases.)
it is not a result of marvin's "failure" that care transitioned to paul. but i do believe there is a link between paul's perceptions of self and the trauma he endured pretransition -- and discussing these things gives us a deeper understanding of paul and his history.
obviously there is no "canon" answer to petscop. but im seeing this theory discussed a lot within the tags, and i personally agree with it -- i just feel some of those who are saying we cannot consider marvin's actions are not necessarily accurate, either.
what i am positing is that while marvin certainly did not make paul trans and i would never claim that he did, we understand that marvin's abuse of care -- his cruelty towards care, his warping of care's perception of appearance and self-worth -- is certainly a factor in how paul must see himself.
marvin's treatment of care was poor enough that paul struggles to recall that time of his life. he thinks they are different people -- and in a way, they certainly are (and i've seen DID theories for them which i also enjoy because of this) -- and has clearly repressed what it meant to be marvin's child.
marvin locked care in a basement for six months. that is no small amount of time, and it likely had no small amount of affect on paul. we can assume based on the implications of some school scenes that marvin was trying to convince care to be more like lina during this time. care escaped, and returned home -- though eventually, we know from belle's dialogue that paul would find his way to lina.
"do you remember the day you were born?"
paul's "birth" occurred after marvin's abuse, and though it was not a result of it, there is something almost poetic about following the thread of paul's life from care to his authentic self that plays as a foil to the heinous rebirthing practiced by marvin and rainer.
contrasted with what happened to belle (and seemingly others), paul chose (a form of) rebirth -- transition. marvin tried to make lina be reborn through care. instead, care resisted -- and he would eventually become paul, and that strikes me as so narratively compelling. it's not to spite marvin and please don't think i'm saying that, as care was naturally always paul -- it is simply self-discovery at its most raw and beautiful, and i love it.
the above is why i love petscop as a queer allegory. taking ownership of one's future and selfhood, even when others are trying to tell you who to be.
and that's why i think saying marvin made his afab child transition in rejection of martin's quest for lina -- or that marvin tried to make his amab child transition to care/lina, as nexpo posited -- is so wrong, and harmful.
yet, paul's trauma is real. it happened. and it's a part of him that should be able to be discussed for what it is.
as someone with extensive trauma history, i can tell you that my gender expression and personal identity are in some way connected to pieces of trauma, because those pieces are part of me. i am not trans because of my trauma, but my gender and my trauma are parts of me at the same time -- i am not each of my pieces, but a sum of my whole.
the point i'm trying to make here is that while i think nexpo genuinely missed the mark here with this whole "care never existed, marvin tried to make paul a girl" thing, i do think there needs to be room for a trauma-informed discussion around paul.
i hope that all made sense. if any of this is harmful/transphobic, please let me know. i genuinely love this game and i think it's so fascinating to discuss. /gen
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Y'know what maybe I'm not done talking about Journeys queercoding actually. maybe I do wanna work out my literary analysis muscles for the sake of Pokemon protagonists. why not
To clarify, this isn't about me personally enjoying the ship between Ash and Gou. I do enjoy it, but I'm making an argument for potentially deliberate queercoding in the writing, I'm not necessarily just here to gush (though that may be a side effect)
I'm also a firm believer that actions or behaviors that we typically think of as romantic are only made romantic if that's how the people involved feel about it. I don't think romance is the only possible way to interpret their relationship.
But when it comes to predicting where a story might be going next, or figuring out what the writers are intending to hint at us, I gotta pull out my textbook of Romantic Tropes first to see what fits the bill.
And I'm sorry, but even if it's not the intended interpretation, you can't include all of these scenes:
...and assume no one in your audience will think there's anything romantic happening here.
Of course, those are just the obvious visual interactions between them that can come off as romantic, to say nothing of the symbolic visual hints; the no less than four rainbows they've been under (one of which was reflected in Gou's eye), the two sets of heart-shaped pokemon that swam past them in a single episode which also had them falling under a rainbow, stuff like that.
But even all of that is pretty surface-level stuff. If the writing doesn't support a queer reading very strongly, then my argument for the queercoding being particularly intentional would fall flat.
Thankfully, the writing does support a queer interpretation, so I'm in the clear! Since breaking this part down will take a lot longer, I'm putting it under a cut.
So, right off the bat we've got the basic setup for the show. For the first time, the focus is primarily on Ash and one other person, as opposed to two or more people... despite having a third person in Chloe, who could easily make this into a trio dynamic, considering she's friends with Gou from the start. But they choose instead to make the core of the show about Ash and Gou.
This is even reflected in promotional material, where they'll often be placed closer to each other than Chloe:
Them being roommates is something I usually bring up as a joke, but it is worth noting anyway simply because it's another way the writers have decided they're going to spend almost all of their time together when they really didn't have to.
But now we gotta get into the real Writing Choices(TM) that are the meat and potatoes of this analysis, such as: making brief allusions to the idea that they might like other guys, too
One way to build up a character's orientation is to show them being attracted to people in shorter instances before giving them a main love interest. Think Luz from The Owl House; she had expressed attraction to both boys and girls before she got a girlfriend or started wearing a bi pin.
Likewise, this is Ash when he's thinking about Leon after seeing him battle for the first time:
I kid you not, he keeps up this blush and zoned-out expression for a solid minute, so caught up in thinking about how cool Leon is that he doesn't even think to eat the scones in front of him.
Now, Ash is a person frequently characterized by his love for food, and in previous episodes he had expressed a particular adoration for Galar scones, so this is pretty unusual behavior for him.
So unusual that it's. literally never happened before, to the best of my knowledge?? I don't think it takes much analyzing to realize that, even if it was brief, you could easily take this as Ash having a celebrity crush on Leon.
(There's even pink flowers in the background but that's probably less important)
Meanwhile with Gou, his "setup crush" in this scenario would be Horace. These two have a whole episode dedicated to their first meeting and the bond they forged, and how that turned bitter on Gou's end when he gets stood up right as he thought he was finally making a friend.
What sets this up for a romantic interpretation is largely the framing of things towards the end of the episode:
"Why do I keep thinking of him" is historically not the most platonic thing you could be bitterly thinking to yourself while you remember stargazing with someone, even if I do stand by my statement earlier of nothing being inherently romantic by itself
The end of the episode also implies that the feeling is mutual, if this shot is anything to go off of
(It's just a very shoujo manga-esque frame okay there's no way I wasn't going to point it out)
And the ending scene is two Celebies looking down happily at the two of them while the narrator talks about how pokemon form "many different kinds of bonds"
Many kinds of bonds, huh? Wonder what he could possibly be implying there
Okay so we've got orientation buildup, next in line is this. suspiciously consistent trend of characters who are close to Ash telling Gou to take care of him, or even going out of their way to test him to make sure he's good enough to be his rival or friend.
Gou himself even echoes the sentiment completely unprompted once, which says even more to me that they're trying to make a point out of this:
And here's the thing. None of the other companions have ever undergone this sort of treatment. Nobody questioned whether or not Ash's friends were good enough to hang out with him before, so why now? Why Gou? What makes him different?
Kiawe is relatively easy to explain because (from what I can tell) he's just Like That about rivalries, but why the addition of describing a rival as "the person closest to Ash"? Why does Gary suddenly care about the quality of Ash's buddies when that was never really a concern for him before?
Well gee I don't know about you guys but to me, this feels like the trope where someone's friends and family all start scouting out the guy they're interested in (or who is interested in them) to make sure they won't like, break their heart or something. And despite my best efforts, I'm struggling to see how this wasn't the writers' intention behind these plotlines.
Gou telling Ash's mom that he'll look after Ash on two separate occasions as opposed to the initial one also feels like an easy parallel to someone promising their love interest's parents that they'll be a good partner.
To my understanding, that isn't traditionally something friends also have to promise, even if there's more justification here as Ash and Gou are traveling around and getting into chaotic situations regularly.
So, with all this in mind, it kind of reframes the stuff I mentioned earlier, doesn't it? The blushing, the hand-holding, the spin hug that I'm never getting over, the frequent appearance of rainbows and the heart shaped Pokemon (Luvdisc if you were wondering)... it feels a lot more intentional once you take into account the bigger themes in the writing.
And once you start looking, it keeps piling up. The way Gou hurriedly says that he totally didn't want to help Ash out or anything after Scorbunny gives him a knowing look, like how most tsundere tropes tend to play out:
Or the specific way Gou is taken aback by one of Ash's compliments before trying to play it off by looking cool, only to be comically shocked when Ash gets distracted by something else:
I could go on but I'm running out of image space and I think you get the idea.
Ash's side of this whole thing is admittedly a lot more subtle than Gou's (*cough* because he's arospec) which is why I haven't gone over it much - my aim with this post was not to go too far into speculation territory - but we at least have marketing on our side for that
Gee Ash how come Animedia let you feed Gou two pastries
Anyway, in conclusion: I ran these two through the literary queerometer and the results were positive, thanks for coming to my TED talk
#pokemon#pokeani#anipoke#pokemon journeys#ash ketchum#pokemon gou#journeyshipping#satogou#analysis#meta#Can you tell I started this at a reasonable nighttime hour and finished at 3am#XD#TAKING THESE SCREENSHOTS TOOK SO LONG#especially since I had to backtrack and edit for a lot of them#Finding the animedia posters in decent quality wasn't exactly a cakewalk either
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