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mysterious-moonstruck-musings · 6 months

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Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 27

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Main Masterlist Dieter Bravo X OFC

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives.

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Warnings: Discussions about intimate partner violence, suicidal ideation, mental health struggles, drug abuse, and alcohol abuse.

Chapter Quote: "I got to snuggle some baby goats."

It took everything in me to hold back the sob that threatened to escape the instant I heard Dieter’s voice. I momentarily placed my hand over my mouth to hold it in and compose myself. I let out a shaky breath as I tried to find my voice.

“Dieter?”

I could hear his stuttered breathing on the other end of the line. He sounded like he was battling with his emotions too.

He cleared his throat, “Yeah… it’s me.”

I sighed loudly into the phone as the tears started to slide down my face. I felt like my brain had completely shut down on me, unsure of what to say but also feeling the urge to say everything all at once. It was so overwhelming but also awkward since we had not talked in so long. There were still so many things up in the air between us.

“How’ve you been?” He asked, sounding unsure of himself. I felt like he didn’t know what to say either.

I sniffed loudly as I wiped at my face, “Umm, I’ve been ok. How are you feeling?”

“I’m feeling good. Normal, I think…then again…I’m not sure I really know what normal is,” we both laughed nervously.

“I’m feeling better than I have in a long time. I can confidently say that at least,” he added.

I smiled. It was nice to know that he was feeling better. It helped dampen some of the worry I had been feeling.

“How are things going, otherwise?”

“Well, I got to snuggle some baby goats during group therapy this morning. I kinda want one now.” He sounded unabashed about this revelation.

“Of course you do,” I said in response, shaking my head and chuckling at the thought.

“I gotta new roommate two weeks ago…Gordon is his name. He’s an interesting guy…he uhhh…” he stifled a laugh before continuing. “He said he came here because the wall outlets were talking to him. Like, full conversations. They finally stopped after he got his meds sorted out. Made me feel a little better about my issues.”

I was a little dumbfounded, “Ummm, I’m not sure if I should laugh about that or not…” Dieter snickered, “He jokes about it now, so I think it’s ok.”

It felt good to hear him laughing again. I had missed that sound more than I realized. I really missed his voice in general. He sounded different. Better, lighter almost. It was a sound I wanted to commit to memory.

“Umm…so Gabby said you didn’t take that job offer?” His nervousness had returned with that question.

“No, I turned it down.” I started rubbing at my shoulder with my free hand as I moved to sit down at the kitchen table.

“Why? It sounded like an amazing opportunity”

I sighed, now rubbing at the crease between my brows, “It was, but it’s not where I wanted to be or what I wanted to do. I would’ve had to give up too much and I don’t feel like I’m in the right headspace to do that.”

“I hope it wasn’t because of me…”

“No. I mean, I guess I can’t say no. You’re part of it…but my life is here. I can’t leave Lauren or even Gabby and Alex at this point. We’ve all gotten so close. And like I said, I’m not in the right headspace for that. I would’ve been spending a lotta time alone and I don’t wanna do that right now. It just wasn’t where I felt like I should be. I didn’t feel any kind of excitement over it at all, so I turned it down”

I suddenly felt vulnerable revealing that to him, questioning if I should have. I didn’t want him to worry about me when he needed to be focusing on himself.

“Are you sure you’re doing ok?” He asked quietly.

“Yeah, I’m fine. You don’t have to worry about me, I promise. I’m just…I-” I huffed, shaking my head. I wasn’t sure if it was ok to finish that thought. I didn’t want to make any assumptions about how he was feeling or make an ass of myself.

I heard him chuckle quietly over my flustered response, “I miss you too.”

I was instantly calmed by his words, my anxiety about where we stood easing some. I let out a shy laugh at his declaration, tears still running down my face as I sniffled out, “You do?”

“Of course, I do, so fucking much… I - I’m sorry I haven't called you. I wanted to make sure I had a clear head when I did, and then I didn’t really know what to say after everything that happened.”

I heard him inhale sharply before he spoke up again, there was a tapping noise, like he was drumming his fingers against something.

“Listen, I’ve only got a few minutes left before they cut me off for today, but the reason I called…”

He paused, clearing his throat nervously, “Umm, so I wanted to see if you would be willing to come here and do a session with my psychiatrist and me…”

“Of course, when?”

“Whenever you can. Just uhh, call my case worker and she’ll get it scheduled.”

I could hear him shuffle around before he started cursing under his breath.

“Well, I was gonna give you the number but now I can’t find it...Gabby should have it.”

I couldn’t help but to snigger at him. He was still a little bit of a hot mess, which I loved about him.

He followed up with an exasperated “sorry” about not being able to find the number before he let out a quiet laugh at himself. It felt like part of it was his nervousness too.

“I’ll text her to get it as soon as we hang up and I’ll call immediately.”

I could hear him sigh in relief before a beeping noise broke into our conversation with an automated message giving a one minute warning.

“I’ll be there tomorrow if they’ll let me…or at least as soon as they’ll let me,” I said in a rush. Suddenly feeling the pressure of our limited time. I still felt like I had so many things to say to him.

“I would like that. I…I really can’t wait to see you…”

His words trailed off, shaking slightly as he was hit with another wave of emotions.

“I can’t wait to see you either,” I replied with a quivering voice.

After a moment of silence, there was a clicking sound as the line disconnected. I held the phone against my forehead, trying to get my breathing back to normal. Once I was able to focus my thoughts, I sent a quick text to Gabby to let her know that Dieter had called and that I needed the number for his case worker. I half expected her to call me, but thankfully she didn’t. She replied back quickly with the number and that she was happy he finally reached out. She followed that message up with another asking me if I was ok and if I needed to talk about it. I appreciated her offer, but I was good for now and let her know as much. Once I finished texting with Gabby, I dialed the number for the case worker, suddenly feeling nervousness forming in the pit of my stomach.

“Sanctuary Hills, this is Sharon,” the polite, yet comforting voice answered.

“Hi Sharon, this is Natalia Cohen…” She cut in before I could continue.

“Oh, Talia, hi. I’ve been expecting your call. Dieter told me he was going to be calling you.”

I let out a nervous laugh, slightly taken aback by the familiarity in which she said my name. It made me wonder how much he had talked about me.

“I assume you’re calling about an appointment for a family session?”

I didn’t know why, but it stirred something in me when she called it a family session. Technically, I wasn’t his family, but they were treating me as if I were. I could feel the tears prickling at my eyes again as I exhaled out a breathy “yes” in response.

“That’s wonderful news, I know he’ll be overjoyed to see you.” I could hear the smile in her voice

“I can’t wait to see him either,” I replied, still trying to keep the emotions out of my words.

“Alright, let me have a look at the schedule. Dr. Rosenberg did ask that you be prepared to be available for at least a week for additional sessions, if possible.”

“Additional sessions?” I was confused. I couldn’t recall if the same thing had been asked of Gabby, which caused my anxiety to flare.

“Don’t worry, it’s perfectly normal for that to happen. It’s mostly educational sessions for family members if they’re willing to participate.”

“Oh, ok. That doesn’t sound so bad.” I laughed nervously.

“When would you like to come in?” she asked with a calming tone.

“As soon as you can get me in is preferable.” I started tapping on the table as I waited for options, listening to the clicking of a keyboard on her end.

“How about 10 AM the day after tomorrow?”

“I’ll take it,” I said a little too eagerly. The anticipation of seeing Dieter again was starting to get to me.

“I have it scheduled. In case you do end up staying for additional sessions, we have apartments on site for patient families. So, you won’t have to worry about lodging. We don’t want you stressing about that while you’re here.”

“Oh, that’s…nice. Thanks for letting me know.”

“When you arrive for your session, come in the north entrance with the blue awning and they'll get you checked in. It’s a different entrance than where you would have come in before.”

I thanked her and our conversation ended soon after that. Afterwards, I sat staring out the kitchen window, feeling the anxiousness settle into my gut. Not knowing what to expect was always the worst for me. It was like that call had started a countdown, to what, I wasn’t sure. I could only hope the end result would be something positive.

The morning of our session, I had a ridiculously early flight so that I could be there in time. I decided to keep things simple with minimal makeup, a messy bun, sunglasses, sneakers, skinny jeans, and one of Dieter’s button up dress shirts with the sleeves rolled up. I had raided his closet while I was at his house cleaning up. It was something small, but being wrapped in his scent or wearing something that belonged to him brought me some comfort during my time without him. His clothing quickly became a staple in my casual attire.

I was so anxious about seeing Dieter again that the flight didn’t faze me like it normally would have. Though it was an hour and a half, it seemed much quicker as the minutes continued to count down and the distance between us shortened. I could feel myself getting more worked up the closer I got. By the time I acquired the rental car and was on the road to the facility, my chest was heavy. Breathing was getting harder with each mile that passed.

When I pulled into the parking lot, I could feel my heart pounding in my ears. I sat gripping the steering wheel tightly in both hands and taking deep breaths. I wasn’t even sure why I was so nervous, it’s not like I knew what Dieter was planning to talk to me about. However, deep down I had a fear, though most likely irrational, that he was going to realize he didn’t really want to be with me after this. I wasn’t sure if I could handle that a second time if it were to happen. Without permission, the tears started to streak down my cheeks, and I felt like I was going to be sick.

After a few more deep breaths, I slammed my fist down on the stop of the steering wheel out of frustration, “Fucking hell, get it together Talia.”

My head dropped back onto the headrest as I squeezed my eyes shut, still taking deep controlled breaths. After several minutes passed, I let out a slow exhale before opening my eyes. Feeling more relaxed, I did a quick check in the mirror to make sure I didn’t look like a complete mess before exiting the vehicle to go inside.

I was starting to have an out of body feeling as I went through the check in process. I couldn’t really remember walking to the building or anything the lady behind the desk had just said to me as I sat down in the lobby to wait. After a few minutes, one of the receptionists called my name and led me through a secure door down a long hallway. We passed several offices that had glass inserts in the doors with shades. Most of the shades were pulled closed, however, I noticed one was open. As I approached, I glanced inside and was met with a familiar figure sitting in a high backed desk chair in the middle of the room with his head leaned back and eyes closed as he spun back and forth, his legs bouncing ever so often. He was sitting on the opposite side of a desk from a woman who was possibly in her fifties, with graying hair and a kind face. Though, she did have a slightly overwhelmed look about her as her eyes met mine through the glass.

I stopped briefly, watching him wave his hands animatedly as he talked incessantly, never raising his head or opening his eyes. I felt a small smirk sneak across my face. He was nervous too. I could tell. My eyes flicked back to the woman, who was watching me watch him with a soft smile on her face.

My attention was pulled away by the receptionist, who was now at my side waiting for me to continue following her.

“He’s been driving us all crazy this morning. I think poor Sharon is getting the worst of it. He’s beyond excited that you’re here today.”

I chuckled at the thought before continuing down the hallway. I was led into a spacious office. It was modern and white with floor to ceiling windows on one side with nothing in sight but nature. All the furnishings were earth tones of brown and deep reds and oranges. I noticed there were a lot of plants filling the space, which added a homey feeling, in a strange sort of way. It also struck me how there were different seating areas on either side of the room. One had a small couch and cushy chair positioned in front of it, while the other had four cushy chairs sitting closely together in a circle. Each of the seats were adorned with soft looking pillows in various shades matching the space. There was a traditional desk setup in the center of the room with two chairs placed in front of it. Each area felt carefully designed to meet specific needs.

Moments after entering the room, I was greeted by Dr. Rosenberg who first shook my hand, then pulled me in for a loose hug.

“Talia, it’s nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard so much about you the last couple of months.”

It took me by surprise, though I felt like it shouldn’t have. There was a certain familiarity and kindness that everyone seemed to have toward me. Everyone had been very warm and welcoming thus far. It was comforting to know this was the type of environment that Dieter had been in.

I gave her a tight lipped smile as she led me over to sit in one of the four chairs in a circle. To my surprise, the chair spun slightly as I sat in it. Dr. Rosenberg turned hers to face me directly, so I did the same with mine. I had managed to stay composed thus far, but my nervousness was starting to show as I reached up and rubbed at my shoulder. The psychiatrist was silent for a moment as she watched my movements. I stopped, sat up straight and placed both hands on top of my crossed legs to keep from fidgeting.

I’m not sure why, but I felt the need to appear like I had my shit together. I took a minute to study her as she gave me a soft smile while she continued to get settled, grabbing a notepad, file folder, pen, and glasses from the small table next to her seat. She was probably in her early fifties, maybe late forties. Her long blonde hair was pulled back into a low ponytail, and she was dressed in business casual attire. I could tell she wanted to appear professional, but not uninviting. She was also definitely looking at my body language very closely, which was making me feel antsy. My therapist used to do that, and I hated it. I mentally smacked myself over my thoughts. I was already putting up walls and we hadn’t even started talking yet.

“Well, it’s been an exciting morning around here. Dieter is definitely happy you’re here. He was asked to leave his group session this morning because he couldn't focus. He’s been bugging poor Sharon ever since.” She laughed and smiled affectionately at her words.

She was trying to get me to relax. I knew that I looked too tense. I let out a breathy laugh as I sat back further in the seat, trying to appear less uptight, but I didn't think it was working. She gave me a sympathetic look suddenly, “You’re nervous to see him.”

It wasn’t a question. Looking down at my hands, I chuckled to myself briefly before clearing my throat to speak, “Yeah, I guess I am. I just…don’t know what to expect.”

“That’s a perfectly normal feeling. It’s not unusual for family members to worry if their loved one is going to be different after treatment. Is that some of what you’re feeling?”

Her question took me by surprise, “Ummm, maybe. Sort of...maybe not so much about him being different…more about him feeling differently.”

She nodded, “I understand. I can’t say that he won’t be different. His personality may present differently, more calm, less emotional or moody. He will feel differently in that he won’t be cycling from one extreme to the other, emotionally. As far as how he feels ABOUT things, that isn’t going to change just because he’s stabilized. Does that make sense?”

I gave a tight nod, “Yeah, it does.” It didn’t do anything to ease my anxiety though because I still didn’t know how he really felt about us. She eyed me for a second before continuing.

“So, I’ll fill you in on my plan for today. First, you and I are going to chat about Dieter’s diagnosis. Once we’re done, I’m going to bring him in for the session. After that, you and I will have a follow-up meeting to discuss the path forward. Does that sound ok to you?”

“Yeah, that’s fine.” I started to chew on my bottom lip while she flipped through the file in her hand.

“Great. Just so you’re aware, Dieter signed release forms for you to have access to his medical and treatment information. Nothing is off the table, so if you have questions, ask. He made it clear to me that he wants you to know everything and wants you involved as much as you want to be.”

I paused briefly, shocked by that information. I exhaled the breath I didn’t realize I was holding, “Ok...I wasn’t expecting that.”

She smiled before continuing, “Alright, let’s get to it then?” She raised her brows at me, asking permission to proceed. I motioned with my hand to continue.

“So, he’s been formally diagnosed with mixed episode Bipolar I Disorder (BD). In simple terms, bipolar disorder is when someone experiences extreme behavioral or mood changes. The extreme highs are called manic episodes, and lows are episodes of depression. Most people with BD go through highs and lows over an extended period of time. Someone with mixed episodes, like Dieter has, tend to experience both highs and lows simultaneously or in a rapid sequence with no recovery time.”

She paused, giving me a minute to digest her words. I couldn’t say I was surprised by the diagnosis, it actually made a lot of his behavior make sense. When I didn’t speak up, she continued.

“I think what happened with Dieter…he was put on a lot of medication. Antidepressants in particular can be very tricky for someone with BD. It can cause an increased risk of mood destabilization when the antidepressants are not taken with a mood stabilizer. He was on pretty much everything but a mood stabilizer. You add that in with not sleeping, not eating, drinking, anxiety, and episode triggers…it’s a recipe for disaster. Sometimes being improperly medicated like that can trigger suicidal ideation and even psychosis. Honestly, he was fighting a losing battle.”

I leaned forward in my seat, placing my elbows on my knees while I rubbed at my face. I felt anger bubbling in my chest.

“Why didn’t his therapists or doctors catch what was happening?”

“One reason…lack of experience. BD is also incredibly hard to diagnose because it shares symptoms with so many other more common disorders like anxiety, depression, PTSD, and ADHD, which is what he was being treated for. That’s not to say he doesn’t have those things as well, but if he does, we need to take a different treatment approach.”

I sighed, shaking my head in disbelief. “Wow, that actually kind of blows my mind.”

“I know… and I’m surprised that no one thought to look into it, given his family history. It can be hereditary, and BD does have a high suicide rate. Given what happened with his mother, it should’ve been considered. Also, the fact that he experienced trauma in dealing with that incident...trauma often causes the onset of symptoms.”

I sighed heavily as the tears started to pool in my eyes, “This actually…kind of pisses me off that he had to go through all of this needlessly. He fucking hated taking that stuff because of the way it made him feel.”

“That brings me to my next topic...It's been hard to get a baseline with him. I feel like a lot of the things he was experiencing were side effects from all the medications he was on. I can’t really rely on his history before he started the medication because he was using recreational and prescription drugs and drinking heavily to self medicate, which could have been making things worse for him during that time as well.” She paused briefly to gauge my reaction, “I assume you knew about his past substance abuse issues?”

“Yeah, he’s mentioned it…What does all that mean?”

“Well, it’s hard to know exactly what his actual symptoms are right now. So, to start, I’m doing the bare minimum. I’ve started him out on a low dose mood stabilizer called divalproex sodium. It’s actually…an anticonvulsant that’s normally used to treat seizures rather than a typical mood stabilizer like lithium.”

I drew my brows down together in confusion, “Why a seizure medication?”

“That medication increases the amount of a chemical called gamma-aminobutyric acid in the brain. It works to block certain transmissions across the nerves in the brain and creates sort of an overall calming effect. That particular medication often works best for patients that have mixed or rapid cycling episodes. Lithium typically doesn’t get the job done in those instances. He seems to be doing well on it so far. We’ll give it a few more months to make sure everything else is out of his system and reevaluate.”

“So, he went from taking half the pharmacy…to one thing?”

“He did. He seems pretty set on limiting the medications as much as possible. He’s been spending a lot of his time doing cognitive behavioral therapy, interpersonal and social rhythm therapy, and psychoeducation to help him manage his symptoms and learn about triggers and that sort of thing. He’s been very invested in it, and it seems to be helping.”

I sighed, starting to feel overwhelmed, “I don’t know what all of that is. I mean, I know cognitive behavioral therapy but…” I shook my head in confusion.

“No worries, if you decide to continue with the family education sessions you’ll learn about that stuff. I know it’s a lot to take in...”

“Yeah, it is, but I’m happy that he’s hopefully on the right track now.” I took a couple of deep breaths to try and relax some as I continued to process things.

“One last thing before I bring Dieter in...I know you two were no longer together before his hospitalization and you haven’t really had a chance to work things out. His preference is to stay with you when he leaves treatment. I do want to be able to manage his expectations if that isn’t going to be the case. I don’t want you to feel like you have to allow that if you aren’t ready to take all this on. I want you to know that you can say no.”

I was taken aback at her directness, but also appreciated it. I actually felt like I was warming up to her some and feeling more comfortable with opening up to her. I didn’t hesitate with my response, if anything, I said it with conviction, looking directly into her eyes as I spoke.

“There’s no question in my mind about him coming home with me so long as he wants to. I’ve known from the start that he was struggling with his mental health, and I promised to support him through it. A new diagnosis doesn’t change anything for me. I’m all in for this.”

Dr. Rosenberg gave me a warm smile, clearly satisfied with my response. “Now I see why he says you can be a force to be reckoned with.”

My eyebrows shot up at her words as she again took me by surprise, “Dieter said that?” I chuckled at the thought as I leaned back in my seat, surprised that was the wording he chose.

“He’s said a lot of things about you, all positive, of course.” She laughed quietly to herself as she set her glasses on the table. As she stood, she announced she was going to go get him for our joint sessions.

After Dr. Rosenberg disappeared out the door, I could feel my anxiety returning. My chest was starting to tighten again as my heart beat a mile a minute. Instinctively, my right hand moved to rub at my shoulder. Was he going to be upset about how easily I gave up on us? I didn’t know how he couldn’t be. It didn’t sound like he was planning to end things for good even though that thought kept crossing my mind. It was clearly my pessimism and self-doubt seeping in. The thought of being completely open and vulnerable in this setting was making things worse too. I wasn’t a fan of having an audience, but I needed to get over that and not build up my walls right now. I propped my arm on the rest of the chair and started to rub at my forehead as my leg began to bounce. I couldn’t make myself stop the fidgeting no matter how hard I tried.

After several minutes passed, Dr. Rosenberg returned with Dieter following behind her. His head was down, clenching and unclenching his hands as he walked. As he approached me, he finally looked my way through his lashes. He gave me a small smile that widened as his eyes dropped down to my shirt, obviously noticing I was wearing one of his. I gave him a shy smile in return. He sat down in the chair directly in front of me as Dr. Rosenberg returned to her earlier spot.

It was clear he was nervous by the way he couldn’t keep his hands still and how the heel of his croc kept bouncing off the tiled floor. He would only occasionally glance in my direction as we waited for Dr. Rosenberg to get settled again. I took the opportunity to study his appearance. He looked so much better compared to the last time I had seen him. His light gray t-shirt was no longer loose looking around his fit torso. His pale skin had been replaced with a golden tan. His hair was longer and as wild as ever, framing his scruffy and patchy beard. His chocolate brown eyes looked clearer than I had ever seen them and were filled with nervousness and anticipation.

Once Dr. Rosenberg was ready to start, she filled Dieter in on what she had discussed with me about his diagnosis. She then encouraged him to take the lead going forward and discuss the things he wanted to speak with me about. He rubbed his hands together nervously, briefly chewing on his bottom lip before he met my gaze to speak.

“So, you’re…ok with that diagnosis?” He asked, raising an eyebrow. I wasn’t sure what he meant and gave him a confused look. “Like, it doesn’t freak you out or anything? I know it’s a lot to deal with.”

“Dieter, the diagnosis doesn’t change anything. You’re still you. Why would it bother me?”

“I dunno, I’m just afraid that at some point you’re gonna realize how big of a mess I am and run away from it all,” he said sheepishly.

I chuckled, leaning forward in the seat with a teasing smile, “I realized how big of a mess you were a long time ago.” He scratched at his chin as a smirk formed on his lips.

“Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve already seen the worst of it and I’m still here. My feelings for you haven’t changed. You don’t have to worry about that from me.”

His eyes turned glassy at my words as he pinched his brows together, looking downward at his hands in his lap.

“I don’t deserve you, not after the way I treated you…the things I said. I was such an asshole to you.”

I bit at my bottom lip, shaking my head before speaking, “None of that matters to me. I know you weren’t completely yourself when you said those things.”

“No, I wasn’t but I still knew what I was doing and saying. I apparently tend to self-sabotage things. Some of the things I said, using your past against you, I knew it would hurt you. I wanted the words to hurt so you would let me go. I knew you wouldn’t otherwise.”

“Why though? I don’t understand why you felt the need to end things to begin with. Why was I a burden to you?”

His eyes widened at my question, brows shooting upward as he shook his head from side to side, “No, no you weren’t the burden…I was. I’m sorry I made you think that. I know the night I called, I wasn’t making a lot of sense. I…I hadn’t slept in days, and I was such a fucking mess.”

He licked his bottom lip and chewed at it for a second before continuing, “I could see how you were having to completely change everything about your life to accommodate me and my work just for us to be together. I knew it was eventually gonna be a problem and cause you stress because it was affecting your job. I didn’t wanna ruin your life that way. You shouldn’t have to cater your life to mine, it’s not fair. I love you too much to do that to you.”

“Dieter, it wasn’t always gonna be like that. It just happened to be shitty circumstances caused by the remote location. If we hadn't been in the middle of nowhere, I could’ve worked without issue. We just weren’t prepared for the challenges that came up. This is a learning experience for both of us. We’ll know better for next time so I can plan accordingly…and it wasn’t like you weren’t making changes to meet me halfway.”

He couldn’t argue with that. He sighed as he leaned back in his seat, nodding in agreement.

“I know that now, I wasn’t exactly thinking clearly…obviously. It all made sense at the time.” He rolled his eyes, frustrated with his behavior. He took a deep breath before continuing.

“It was more than that though, I knew I was spiraling out of control. I could fucking feel it happening and didn’t know how to make it stop. I didn’t wanna tell you what was going on because I didn’t want you to worry. I knew you would drop everything and fly back to Canada to be with me.”

“You’re damn right I would’ve… and I should’ve done that anyway.” I could feel my emotions catching up to me, my eyes filling with tears as I looked down away from him.

“I fucking knew it…in my gut that something was wrong, and I did nothing. If I had just done it…came up there anyway, this probably would’ve gone differently. I could’ve helped you through it, but no…I was a fucking coward. I gave up because I was selfish and wanted to protect myself. I didn’t even try because I was too afraid that I would end up in a dark place again if you didn’t want me to be there with you.”

The tears were streaking down my cheeks by this point. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I had so much anger for myself that it was making me feel sick. Dieter stood from his seat, closing the few feet between us, then got down on his knees on the floor in front of me. He moved to grab my hands in my lap, but hesitated. I reached up and grabbed his in response.

“I’m sorry I put you in the position to even have to think that. It should’ve never happened. I should’ve been communicating everything with you instead of pushing you away. This whole fucking mess is my fault…I wanted to reach out so many times after that… to try and fix it, but you seemed like you were doing ok so I didn’t want to upset you again.”

The tears were streaming down his face now as he took a minute to try and compose himself.

“I thought I could move on and just deal with things the way I used to…by numbing the pain. That’s when I started drinking heavily again. Then I saw you at the restaurant, and you looked so fucking amazing…and I was such a dick. I was so angry with myself for that. I couldn’t stop thinking about how I had everything and fucked it up. My behavior after that night was reckless. There are days I can’t even remember because I was drinking so much. I just wanted to not think about it anymore.”

He pulled his hands away, looking down at the floor before wiping at his face. When he raised his head again, the pain in his eyes nearly made my heart stop. I reached out to cup his cheek, but he leaned away, seeming to need space.

“The night that video of you was posted online…several people sent it to me. I didn’t watch it at first because I didn’t think it would mean anything…but when I finally did…”

He put his hand over his mouth, letting out a quiet sob, before continuing.

“I could see how bad you were hurting…how bad I hurt you. What I did to you…I hated myself for it because you didn’t deserve that. It also reminded me of what I was missing out on because of how beautiful you sounded and looked…and that fucking song.”

He paused for a minute, shaking his head. He sniffled and wiped at his face again before continuing.

“I stayed up all night, watching it on a loop on the tv. I almost called you then, but stopped myself. I drank until I had nothing left instead. Then, when I ran into you the next morning, I could see how fucking broken you were. The way you looked at me…it fucking crushed me. I bought more alcohol and went back to the house. I don’t really remember much after that.”

He shook his head for a moment, pausing to take a few deep breaths, wiping at his face again.

“I don’t even remember calling you…and…even after everything I did, you still came to me. You could’ve easily told me to fuck off and I would’ve deserved it, but you didn’t. I know I wouldn’t be here right now if you hadn’t. You saved my life…I feel like you’ve been doing that ever since New York. When I say you’re my light in the darkness, I fucking mean it.”

I started sobbing into my hands. I couldn’t hold it back anymore. I felt his fingers wrap around my wrist, pulling my hands around his neck as he moved to hug me. We sat there in an embrace for some time before I started mumbling into his shoulder.

“I was so afraid you were gonna hate me for giving up on you so easily. I’m sorry I didn’t try harder. Just know that it had nothing to do with you…I clearly still need to work on my own shit.”

He hugged me a little tighter as he buried his fingers in the back of my hair, “That thought never crossed my mind. Don’t even worry about it anymore.”

He finally pulled back, wiping the tears away from my cheeks with his thumbs as he did so. We gave each other tight smiles as we locked eyes. He turned away, toward Dr. Rosenberg, who I had completely forgotten was in the room, and asked for some tissues. She picked up the box from her small table and handed it to him as he stood. He handed me several and took some for himself before handing the box back to her. She motioned for him to have a seat. As she turned to set the box back on the table, I noticed she was looking a little glassy eyed too.

We all sat in silence as her eyes shifted between us. Dieter and I glanced at each other, confusion on our faces as we looked back toward her. She chuckled before she spoke.

“I’m not even sure why I’m here. This is literally the first family session ever where I didn’t have to intervene or lead a conversation. You two don’t seem to have any problems communicating, so I’m not sure how you ended up where you were.”

We both smiled widely at her, surprised and appreciative of her honesty. Dieter spoke up with a chuckle.

“I think between my fucked up brain and the distance…it didn’t do us any favors. We’re always at our best when we’re physically together, I think. Everything goes to hell when we aren’t. Clearly that is something I need to work on.”

Dr. Rosenberg nodded in agreement, “Well, I hate to separate you two again, but we are running short on time, and I want to have a chat with Talia about the plans going forward. Dieter, I’m pretty sure you have another group session coming up so you better head that way. You think you can focus enough for this one?”

She raised an eyebrow in his direction as he laughed and nodded. He stood, quickly shuffling over to lean down and give me a hug before exiting the room.

Dr. Rosenberg wasted no time getting back to business, “Talia, part of his treatment is making sure he has the support he needs when he gets home. That’s why we offer support to caretakers as well, because technically, you will be his caretaker as the only other person in the household with him.”

I knitted my brows together, confused about where this conversation was going.

“I’m not going to pretend that I don’t know you have a traumatic history because Dieter has mentioned a few things. I don’t know the details, and I get the sense he doesn’t know it all either. I feel like whatever happened with your ex-husband is still affecting you. Is the dark place you mentioned something that you would be willing to talk to me about? Anything you tell me about yourself is confidential, just so you know.”

I sighed heavily as I ran both hands over my face, “So you picked up on that, huh?” I laughed nervously under her gaze.

“You’re right, I haven’t told him everything. I keep telling myself I’ve moved past it, but after the last few months, I’ve realized that I just locked it away and pretended it didn’t exist. I tend to do that with a lot of things.” She gave me an encouraging smile, clearly picking up on my hesitation as I paused to gather my thoughts.

“So, the last few years of my marriage, I started drinking heavily after finding no way out of the hell I was living in. The constant mental and psychological abuse was wearing me down, especially after I realized what was happening. When I tried to talk to Justin about a divorce, he would just tell me there was no way out because he wasn’t ready to give me up.” I paused briefly… focusing on something outside through the window. “I uhh, came home early from work one day and found him with another woman that he worked with. He of course said it was my fault, because I wasn’t giving him what he needed in the marriage. I knew what he was doing…and I was determined not to let it go because I felt I had a legitimate reason to end things at that point. I TOLD him I was leaving. I was done asking. When I started packing a bag, he hit me. The first time ever. I mean, he had shoved me around some, but never hit me across the face like that. He told me there was no leaving… that he would just find me and bring me home. Said no one would believe me or help because all of OUR friends knew how I was.”

“Talia, what did saying that out loud just now make you feel?”

My eyes drifted over to meet hers, “I don’t really feel anything.”

She arched a brow, “That’s because you're dissociating. I want you to focus on me as you speak and feel what you’re saying.”

Fuck. She wasn’t going to let me cheat my way through this like my therapist did. I pinched my brows together as my eyes teared up again. I had to face this. I closed my eyes briefly, exhaling slowly. When I opened them and met her gaze, she nodded for me to continue.

“He wasn’t wrong. I didn’t really have anyone to turn to. He made sure of that. He left after our argument, said he was going out with the guys. I doubt that’s where he went though. As soon as he left, I started drinking. I remember…feeling lost and pretty fucking hopeless after that. I couldn’t believe he hit me, and I was scared it would happen again. I never saw myself as someone who lets their husband abuse them…I felt disgusted over it. I must have drank a lot…because I can’t remember the rest of that night. I - I woke up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning. I guess when he came home, he found me passed out in my own vomit.”

I started tapping on the arm of the chair as the tightness in my chest returned. The tears trickled out again.

“When Justin finally came to see me, I told him that I was done. If he didn’t let me go, I was gonna find a way out…one way or another and I would make sure everyone knew it was his fault. Given that I had just put myself in the hospital, he took me at my word and agreed on a divorce. I guess he was afraid of what I would do.”

“What did you mean by that?”

I gave a half smile, “I honestly don’t know. I wonder that myself…what I was capable of. If I could’ve done anything.”

“What happened after you both agreed to the divorce?”

“Well, when I was still in the hospital, I reached out to one of my best friends that I grew up with, Lauren. We had kept in touch, even though I actively worked to put up a wall between us so she wouldn’t know what was really going on in my life because I was so embarrassed over it. She didn’t hesitate…she was at the hospital within the hour, and I told her everything. I stayed with her for a few weeks until I got my life sorted out. I don’t think I would have been able to do it without her. Of course, Justin continued to torment me by dragging out the divorce for over a year. It got pretty nasty.”

“What effects do you feel like that experience had on you?” She asked quietly.

“Experience.” I chuckled. “I didn’t realize twelve years of hell could be considered an experience.”

She gave me a sympathetic look before I continued, “I mean, I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was. I was who he wanted me to be. After I left him, he was still in my head with everything I did. What I was wearing, how I fixed my hair and makeup, things I said. I couldn’t do some of the simplest things without hearing his voice telling me I was doing something wrong and having a fucking panic attack over it. I couldn’t make decisions…and yes, I would still drink to numb my feelings and calm myself down. Only this time, I knew exactly how much I could drink without taking it too far.”

“Are those things still an issue for you now?”

I shook my head, “No, I mean, I did all the cognitive behavioral therapy and the sessions. I eventually got to a point where the negative thoughts stopped. I think Dieter had a lot to do with that…he kind of helped me see myself in a different light…but I do still have anxiety sometimes and I think I’ve reverted back to ignoring my feelings… compartmentalizing everything and pretending it’s not there. Throwing myself into work and staying busy to keep my mind occupied. I’ve been doing that instead of drinking the feelings away.”

Dr. Rosenberg leaned forward, placing her elbow on her knee with a pensive look on her face.

“Talia…would you be willing to stay for the next three weeks to work through some of this with me? It would be outpatient treatment…a couple hours a day. You can stay in one of our apartments.”

I sucked in a quick breath. I certainly wasn’t expecting this, but at the same time, I almost felt relieved. My gut told me I needed it and I knew I couldn’t go on the way I had been because I was eventually going to self-destruct if I didn’t take better care of myself. I knew I couldn’t fully be there for Dieter if I was still battling with myself. I sat staring at my hands as I thought through the offer. I could still work remotely, so that wouldn’t be an issue. I raised my head to meet her eyes, “Will Dieter know what I’m doing?”

“Only if you want him to.”

“I don’t want to saddle him with my shit right now…I don’t wanna mess him up.”

“Honestly, I think he’s stable at this point. I think he could handle whatever you wanted to share with him. If you wanted, we could even do some more joint sessions, or he can just be there for support if you want him to be. It’s all up to you really.”

“What would you do?” I asked, letting out a stuttered breath with my question. She took a minute to consider her response, biting on the inside of her cheek as she did so.

“I don’t think it would be bad if you shared everything with him. The more open you are with one another, the better. Communication is going to be a huge factor in keeping your relationship healthy and happy. At least if he knows what’s going on he can support you, just like you support him. Also, if he needs help processing through things, we can help him with that while he’s here…but again, it’s your decision.”

“Yeah, I mean he knows most of it anyway…Alright, I’ll do it. I’ll stay and I want him involved.”

She gave me a bright smile, “I’m actually really happy to hear that. I think this will allow you to build a solid foundation going forward. I’m excited for your future together. I can tell that you both care deeply for each other and I really want your time here to be successful.”

I gave her thanks for the opportunity she was giving me. I’ve known for a while that I had things that I needed to work on but didn't really know where to start. The fact that Dieter seemed so at ease with her and was doing so well gave me some comfort and the courage to jump in head first.

The next three weeks were a whirlwind of educational sessions to help me learn about bipolar disorder; the triggers, coping strategies, and lifestyle changes to minimize stress. I even had an opportunity to learn more about Dieter’s medication and possible interactions and side effects so I would be able to spot them. He had asked that I be involved with his Interpersonal and Social Rhythm therapy, which was designed to help him build a daily routine of healthy habits to manage his moods. Given his job, sometimes a routine was almost impossible for him to keep, but we learned strategies to deal with that when confronted with it. It was all very helpful for the both of us.

I had my sessions too of course. He sometimes set in on them if we were doing something particularly hard that day. His presence helped keep me grounded and got me through a lot. He was taking time to learn about ways to help me cope better and we worked together on effective communication skills.

Dr. Rosenberg recommended that I start keeping a journal to help me work through my emotions. I was iffy about it at first, but Dieter was also doing it and he loved it. He was very encouraging about it. It was something that I had come to enjoy doing after a few days. We had even taken to having a shared journal between us to better communicate our feelings, which Dr. Rosenberg loved the idea of and encouraged.

Even though Dieter and I weren’t able to spend a whole lot of time together during those three weeks, I could always feel his presence and support. It’s what kept me going through it all. I don’t think I would have had the strength to do it without him. By the time my last day of treatment came around, he was given the all clear for discharge. It was both nerve wracking and exciting to know that we would be going home…together.

A/N: How excited are we that these two are finally back together? How badly did this chapter hit the feels? Did you cry? If you did, hopefully this will be the last time...unless you are a happy crier. There may be happy tears later. 😉 How are we feeling about Dieter's diagnosis? Does it change how you view some of his past behavior? What about that revelation from Talia? I mean, are we really surprised though; the girl has had a complicated relationship with alcohol throughout the whole story. How do you think things are going to go when they get back home? Do you think they will pick up where they left off or have some growing pains? We will find out in the next chapter. 😁 I am 100% failing at life and did not get the Deconstructing Dieter Bravo post done. I need to do a little fact checking and didn't have the brain power for it. However, once I get that ready, it will be posted HERE. The topic for Deconstructing Dieter Bravo Part 3 will be his diagnosis. I will tag all the usuals in the posts once it is ready. Hopefully you will find it to be educational. 💜 👉 I do want to share some details on upcoming projects that will be released for the holidays. I am participating in the @pedrostories Secret Santa event. I have received my gift prompt, and you may be excited to know that you will be getting a Dieter Bravo one shot from me by Christmas. I already have some ideas swirling around for it and it's not related to any current fics. It should be fun. Be sure to follow the #pedrostoriesgift23 hashtag to check out all the awesome work that will be included for the event. If you would like to be tagged on this one shot, let me know in the comments. 💜 As usual, I have included the chapter mood board below in case you missed it.😘

Next Chapter

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#dieter bravo #dieter bravo x ofc #dieter bravo fic #pedro pascal #pedro pascal characters #pedro pascal character fanfic #pedro pascal fanfiction #Pedro Pascal Fanfic #dieter bravo fluff #dieter bravo fanfiction #the bubble #the bubble fanfiction #Destiny & Deliverance Series #friends of juice collective

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c-optimistic · 8 months

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Hi there! Are you still open to 100 days of fic prompts? Wondering if you'd take a stab at Lena worrying that she and Kara are too different to be together romantically and Kara insisting that they complement each other

this is a very old prompt, from back before my relationship ended and i was trying to impress my ex with fic everyday, but i am trying to write more so here’s a little bit of angsty fluff for funsies

When she finally had the presence of mind to pull the knife wedged between her shoulder blades, the remnant of the shattered trust between herself and Kara, she’d come to an all-encompassing conclusion: there was no such thing as love.

There couldn’t be.

(Because if there was such a thing as ‘love,’ then she rather thinks Lex would’ve stayed sane, her mother would have treated the girl she raised as her own, her friends wouldn’t have left her, and Kara…Kara wouldn’t have lied.)

But as the months dragged on and forgiveness became less of a long shot and more of a question of when, her thoughts on love began to evolve. Now, Lena is a scientist. And so, after careful consideration and thorough research, she decides that the thing people call love is merely chemical reactions in her brain, associating Kara’s presence with feelings of happiness and safety. A drug, really. And like any drug, the best way to cut her dependence is to remove the drug from her life and consistently remind herself why the drug is so dangerous to her health.

(She had not reckoned for the fact that this particular drug can advocate on its own behalf, and is very much not on board with the notion of ‘quitting.’)

“I don’t really understand what you mean,” Kara says, standing in Lena’s living room in her skin tight blue suit, red cape hanging listlessly behind her, leaving very little of Kara’s curves to the imagination.

Lena has to physically shake her head, blinking furiously in annoyance at the chemicals in her brain.

“What’s so confusing?” she asks, a question she really wishes sounded angry and hurt, but comes out as confused as Kara looks. Because if she’s honest, she’s not sure she knows what she means either. Just that she can’t think with Kara so close.

“I said I love you,” Kara says, voice clear and unafraid, those three words ringing in Lena’s ears, momentarily making thoughts hard. “I said that it’s been a while since I worked my back to being friends with you. But that I want more.” She steps towards Lena, who takes several steps back, causing Kara to huff but stop. “I asked how you felt, and all you’ve done is list all the possible reasons we’re not good for each other. But that’s not an answer, Lena.”

“But listen,” Lena says, swallowing. “Have you considered that you love potstickers and I don’t?”

“I don’t really care, that just means more for me when we order in.”

Lena’s eyes narrow at the easy solution. “Okay. Fine. What about the fact that you don’t like my taste in novels?”

“Lena, I want to go out with you, not the trashy romance books you read. What does that have to do with anything?” Kara asks, clearly exasperated.

“Right, but those books give unrealistic expectations of love and romance and I—”

“—then I’ll read all your favorites and will show you love the way you want to be loved.”

Lena’s heart hammers away, and she makes the mistake of looking away briefly, trying to come up with another excuse, unsurprised when Kara is approaching her slowly—like she’s a spooked deer or a cat with trust issues—giving her ample time to move away or tell Kara off.

She does neither.

“Lena. I love you,” Kara says in barely a whisper, now only inches away from Lena. “Can you please tell me what this is all about?”

“Everyone I love and who was supposed to love me has let me down. And I…” She trails off, closes her eyes, and presses her forehead to Kara’s strong shoulder, gripping her wrists as tightly as she can. “And I don’t know if I’m broken and am unloveable or if love isn’t real and—it was hard enough after finding out you’re Supergirl. I can’t do it, I can’t lose you again. Not you too.”

For a moment, there’s nothing but the sound of Kara’s breathing intermingled with Lena’s struggle to avoid breaking down into sobs. Then, strong arms wrap around her and hold her tight, enveloping her in the scent of flowers and sunshine and warming her from head to toe.

And embarrassingly, Lena’s chemicals send a single thought through her brain: home.

“I know I let you down,” Kara says, a gentle hand shifting and then fingers threading through Lena’s hair. “And I can’t promise I’ll never let you down, because I’m not perfect. But I do promise you will never lose me. As long as you’ll have me, in whatever form that is, I’ll be right here. Okay?”

And there’s so much more to say, so much more to figure out. Lena desperately wants to say those three words back, wants to pull away just enough to kiss Kara hard enough that she can feel the way those chemicals in Lena’s brain have altered her being, wants to confess every single dark thought she’s had from the moment she found out Kara’s secret and all the lies she told.

But instead she lets out a watery laugh.

“But you have a preference in what form I’ll have you, right?” she asks, knowing the answer, knowing that her answer is the same, knowing maybe forgiveness alone isn’t enough yet for them to take that next step.

“Oh Rao, obviously I have a preference,” Kara whines as she pulls away, grinning when she catches Lena’s smile.

And Lena’s pretty sure that next step will come sooner than either of them think.

#fanfic #supercorp #asks #kara danvers #lena luthor #prompts

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peanutpinet · 1 year

Text

No Regret - Tsukasa x Fem Reader x Yuta (slight)

Main Pairing: Tsukasa (Hokuto) x Fem Reader

Warnings: fighting, angst, right person wrong universe :')

A/N: hello everyone!! I LIVEEEEE!! Can't believe it's been more than a month since I posted on Tumblr :" work has really taken a toll on me and my mental health ain't really the best but after High & Low The Worst X came out on Netflix, you know I'm binging it and well, when I said binge, I meant I watched all of the H&L film series from "The Story of S.W.O.R.D" till The Worst Cross X (even though not in a good order) and lemme just say. I love Yuta's acting even though he doesn't get much lines but the way he expresses his face is 🤌🏼🤌🏼

Now, while I did enjoy the H&L The Worst films, I honestly much prefer the SWORD era films :') it's just that good. Coming from a film studies person, I like how the SWORD era has like a big plot that is continuous throughout the films (except maybe The Red Rain) and well, though there was closure in the big plot, I would really love to dive deeper into some of the gangs and characters. EHEM Amamiya Kyoudai :))

But anyways, here is my first (yes, girl is gonna make some other one-shots) of the H&L film series; starting with the man that caught my attention, Hokuto aka Tsukasa 🥰

Summary: you and Yuta have been friends long before he went to Korea. When Yuta finally had his acting debut, you were more than thrilled to support your best friend and may or may not fangirl over the other characters. But what happens when you and your best friend actually got to experience the other universe?

“Honestly why do you always get to hang out with the badass good looking guys?” you asked Yuta, your best friend who was staying over at your place and currently rewatching his movie, High & Low The Worst X, together

“Hey. What about me and the neos?!” Yuta scoffed, looking at your direction but you avoided his gaze; especially when your favourite character, Tsukasa showed up

“I mean, you guys are hot, I won’t lie. But look at Tsukasa!! Brains and brawns plus the look?! You have to introduce me to Yoshino-san, please!!!” you rambled as Yuta sighed

“We’ve watched this many times and you always say the same thing. That Tsukasa is the best and I went too hard on him during the fight” Yuta tsked as he turned off the TV

“YUTA!! HEY!! That’s not fair!! Just let me fangirl!!” you argued but Yuta didn’t budge

“C’mon, it’s late and we should really sleep. Plus, Hokuto, Ryoki and Kazuma-kun are coming tomorrow to visit. So, save up your fangirling self for tomorrow when you meet them” Yuta argued

“Hontoni?! They’re really coming?! Crap!! I need to plan out what I’m going to wear and how will I dress tomorrow. Yuta, you’re the best!!” you exclaimed as you jump to hug your best friend

“Yeah, yeah. Let’s just sleep alright. Thank me after you meet them tomorrow. Good night (y/n)” Yuta replied as the two of you went to your respective rooms to sleep

“Tomorrow can’t come any faster” you whispered to yourself as you fell asleep

As much as you wanted tomorrow to come faster, you still want your beauty sleep but unfortunately, you were suddenly woken up by a loud crash. Blinking a few times, you were confused about how you were suddenly outside and on the ground. Was this Yuta’s way of getting revenge on you for neglecting his character? There’s no way. Right?!

What’s even more confusing is that it doesn’t look like your neighbourhood at all. Looking around, you tried to find out where you were and even call out to Yuta. As you got up, another crash occurred, making you fall and worry started to creep up on you.

Rushing back to your feet, you tried to find out the source of the crash and when you took a peak, you noticed that it was Kawamura and Yoshino having a brawl against Yuta and Ryoki. Confused, you shouted at Yuta, telling him if this is how he typically greets his friends but instead of Yuta telling you off, the others suddenly stop fighting and what Kawamura said shocked you.

“Who the hell is Yuta? And do any of you know who this girl is?” Kawamura asked as Yuta slowly approached you and grabbed your wrist, pulling you with him

“She’s a friend of mine dan just came back from abroad. Apologies everyone. I’ll be back later. Fujio, Tsukasa, let’s finish the fight later. Amagai, I’ll catch up with you later” Yuta stated, pulling you along with him, away from everyone else

“Yuta?! W-what on earth?! Why did you call the others by their High & Low characters? Are you guys doing some sort of role-play? Because if you are, this isn’t funny” you commented as Yuta pulled you so that you were standing in front of him; his eyes were cold yet serious and concern

“I don’t know what happened when we were asleep or if is this just part of your imagination but we’re basically in the High & Low world. Those guys don’t know who Yuta is. They only know Ryo Suzaki. As for you, you don’t exist in this world. Well, maybe you do. But not in this country at least. You’re practically a foreigner here” Yuta mentioned, making you laugh

“Very funny Yuta. You and your friends are such good actors. You can cut the cameras and all the staff can come out now” you laughed but no one answered you, making you gulp

“I’m serious (y/n), this isn’t a joke. I woke up earlier than you and immediately, Amagai, Fujio and Tsukasa asked me if I was alright because we were in a middle of a brawl. Lucky enough, they believed me that I didn’t remember because I hit my head” Yuta explained yet you still didn’t believe him

“Look. I don’t know how the both of us got here but want or not, we have to blend in until we can find a way to get back to our own universe. Which means, don’t get overly attached to anyone. Especially when your character doesn’t even exist in the High & Low universe. Got it?” Yuta reminded and you quickly nodded

“You handle them, I’ll go look around and find some sort of clues that might help us” you stated, about to turn around until you heard Tsukasa speak

“Don’t think it’s a good idea for a girl to go around this neighbourhood on her own” Tsukasa stated, making you a bit annoyed

“I think I can handle myself well. Yu—I mean Suzaki has taught me a few things about self-defence. You boys can go back to your brawl since clearly, it’s a boys-only thing” you scoffed, disbelief that Tsukasa would say something like this that you were about to walk away when Fujio suddenly stood in front of you, blocking your way

“What my friend meant is that, while we’re sure that you can probably take care of yourself, it would be better if you were with us. Especially since Suzaki-san mentioned that you were from abroad. It tends to get rough around here” Fujio explained, offering you a smile

“I’m Hanaoka Fujio and my friend there is Takagi Tsukasa” Fujio mentioned, offering you his hand for a shake which you accepted

“(L/N) (Y/N). Please to meet you guys” you stuttered, making Fujio chuckle

Ever since that meeting, you’ve been hanging out with the 4 men more often. Heck, you even got to meet the other boys including Todoroki, the four Housen Killer Cops, Sachio and even the Suzuran house. You got along with all of them which made you happy even if deep down you knew that this was all just temporary. Despite so, you couldn’t understand why Tsukasa seemed colder towards you when everyone has been opening up.

It’s been almost a month since you and Yuta came into this universe but neither of you has stopped searching for clues on how to get back to your own world. Though it wasn’t easy, the both of you managed to gain some information that there was a shaman who could talk to spirits and souls from other dimensions. After some digging, you manage to find where the shaman lives and decided to go there yourself because Yuta had to accompany Amagai for who knows what.

The more you walk on your own, the more worried you become because while you’ve gone around the neighbourhood and met with the other factions, you were still unfamiliar with the deeper parts of the neighbourhood. But you couldn’t back down now. You need answers and as much as you want to hang out with the H&L characters, this wasn’t the way you wanted.

You walked through the forest but right before you could go any deeper, you noticed that several other people were surrounding the area. Not knowing who they were, you hid behind the trees and tried to eye what these people were doing.

What you found out was that these guys were a gang from a rural area of the city which makes them an unknown gang. However, when you got closer, you overheard that this gang was aiming to take down Oya High sometime when the main heads are out of town; which you realised that it could be now because right now the main Oya High leaders like Fujio and Tsukasa were out with Housen, Suzuran and even Senomon.

Though you wanted to go and find the shaman, you knew that you had to go back and warn Yuta and the others about this potential ambush. Without wasting any time, you rushed to go back and find Yuta and the others because who knows where those boys are.

You only managed to get away for a bit before getting startled by a rabbit and tripped, causing suspicion among the unknown gang. While they weren’t looking, you immediately got back up and run away but those gangs were used to the twist and turns of the forest that some managed to caught up to you, surrounding you.

Though you were intimidated, you weren’t going to show any fear to them. Especially when they called Yuta and his friends some nasty names; saying how those guys always have it easy and never understand the actual pain of fighting without any backups or without any good resources like the other schools.

Angered by the comments, you didn’t hesitate to take the first move and punched the life out of some of them. Sure, you weren’t as skillful as Yuta or the others; but you could definitely do some damage and outsmart them.

Unfortunately, when you thought that you outsmarted them, one of them came up from behind you and grabbed you by the ankle, making you fall forward; hard. Though you hit your head quite hard, you still managed to return the favour before getting away from the messed-up scene.

Limping your way back, you tried to hang onto whatever it is that you can hold onto since your whole body felt like it was going to crumble any second now. Right when you just reached the Oya High gate, someone came up behind you that you instinctively tried to slap them but they managed to grab you.

Turns out, one of the gang members managed to sneak away and followed you. Unfortunately, because you had just finished fighting off the others, you barely had enough strength to pull away from this guy and he managed to grab you by the neck to the point where you started to lose your vision but at the same time the grip around your neck loosen and instead, a warm strong grip was around your waist.

“What the hell happened to you?!” you heard Tsukasa’s voice, his voice softer than how he normally talks when he was with you

“T-tsukasa…they, they’re coming. For the school. While everyone is…” you breathed out but your body gave up on you and you practically passed out, Tsukasa’s grip around your body tighten

“Hey, (y/n), what happened? Hey, wake up” Tsukasa mumbled, confused about what he should do especially when you passed out

Knowing that you wouldn’t say anything that you don't mean, Tsukasa called out some of his gang members to keep the guy that hurt you to be tamed while he gets you treated and get some answers from you first. But at the same time, he knew that while this guy was from an unknown gang, he can’t easily brush them off; especially when Fujio was out with other leaders.

Tsukasa made sure that some of the better fighters would guard around just in case if what you said about the school going to be attacked was true. Once he took you to the hospital and got you treated, he texted Fujio to let him and the others know on what happened.

While it seemed like Tsukasa only cared about the school and protecting his gang, he was actually worried about you. Sure, he didn’t have the greatest impression of you since he’s very much wary of any new person in the area; especially when he has never heard of them before. This is why when you first arrived and Yuta introduced you, Tsukasa was the first one that was suspicious of you. Girl or not, if you were a spy or someone that would come to destroy Oya High and SWORD, Tsukasa wouldn’t hesitate to put you down.

But as time passed, the more Tsukasa spied on you, the more he realised that you were truly someone outside of the area and even the country. You didn’t know a lot of things and the things you did know, Tsukasa assumed that it was because Yuta telling you stuff; not because you were from a whole different dimension.

Lately, Tsukasa has been keeping a closer eye on you. Not just to spy on you but also because there was just something about you that interest him. How you somehow managed to get close with the other guys not only in Oya High but also Housen and even Suzuran. Each school has taken a liking to you. Not only that, you just seemed too good to be true in Tsukasa’s eyes.

You weren’t the quiet or reserved kind of person. You were more outgoing and voiced out your opinions a lot. Even when you know that you would be outmatched, you kept going on and that is something that Tsukasa acknowledge about you.

When the nurse told Tsukasa that you were already treated and that you were currently resting. Tsukasa thanked the nurse and went into your room. Seeing you all bandaged angered Tsukasa that he swore he would make that unknown gang pay and even come to their knees to beg you for forgiveness once he was done with them.

Before Tuskasa could get closer to you, his phone rang and the other guys at Oya High told Tsukasa that he was right and some unknown gang was attacking the school. Despite being annoyed that he had to leave you, Tsukasa knew that you would be safer in the hospital.

Arriving back at Oya High, Tsukasa didn’t hesitate to knock some sense into everyone in the unknown gang. Their leader immediately fought head-to-head with Tsukasa which Tsukasa was more than happy to brawl with.

“Were you the one that started the attack on (y/n)?!” Tsukasa demanded, his eyes were sharp and angry at the same time

“Who? Oh, you mean that pesky girl in the forest? No, I didn’t touch her. But maybe I should have. To teach her a lesson and…” the leader spatted but Tsukasa immediately punched the leader. Hard.

“The fuck are you? An animal?!” Tsukasa growled, grabbing the leader by the collar and punching him over and over again to the point that the leader was unconscious, blood was dripping from his nose, mouth and Tsukasa’s knuckles

“Ya!! Tsukasa!!” Tsukasa heard Fujio shout, making the blonde stop

“What the hell happened around here? And why the hell are you beating someone until they’re unconscious?! Since when do you do that?!” Fujio snapped, pulling Tsukasa’s bloody wrist away from the beaten unconscious person under him

“Is it wrong? After what he and his men did to (y/n)?!” Tsukasa snapped back, getting off of the unconscious man and yanked his arm back, Yuta immediately came into the scene with the sound of your name

“What the hell happened to her?!” Yuta demanded

“She’s hospitalised right now. This guy and his entire gang were going to attack our school but somehow, (y/n) found out about it and rushed back to warn us but along the way, she was attacked. Badly. When I found her, one of them nearly choked her to death” Tsukasa explained, the other guys were now silent with the information

Before anyone can utter another word, Tsukasa’s phone rang and it was the nurse from the hospital, telling Tsukasa that you were finally awake and were searching for him. Without any more explanation, Tsukasa turned the phone off and rushed away to the hospital to see you.

Arriving at the hospital, Tsukasa didn’t even pay attention that he was pushing through some of the workers but once he got to your room and saw you sitting on your bed, never has Tsukasa felt this amount of relief. Seeing that Tsukasa was finally here, the nurse decided to give the two of you some privacy and left.

“H-hey, a-are you ok?” Tsukasa stuttered, scratching the back of his head as he took a chair and sat right beside your bed

“I think I should be the one asking you that” you replied, pointing at his bruised and bloody knuckles

“Oh. This. This is nothing” Tsukasa breathed out but you took his hand and a nearby cloth, wiping his bloody hand

“You shouldn’t fight so much. Who did you fight anyways? Were there that many people that attacked Oya High?” you asked, wiping Tsukasa’s hands clean from his own blood

“There were quite a lot but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that you got hurt because you were trying to warn us about the attack” Tsukasa explained but you just chuckled dryly

“Wh-what?” Tsukasa questioned as you put his hand back on the bed

“You never really cared nor did you spare me a glance when we first met. What changed?” you asked. It was Tsukasa’s turn to be nervous

You were right. Tsukasa never paid attention nor seemed to care about your sudden appearance. But he can’t help but be drawn to you. It was as if you were someone that he was looking for but when you were actually in front of him, Tsukasa just malfunctioned. He rarely encounters girls to begin with; let alone is interested in any of them.

“You’re right, this isn’t me. I’m not used to any of this yet nor do I know exactly how I feel but what I do know is that I was a coward. In the beginning, I thought that you were just some random girl that was probably a spy from Kuryu or something. But I spied on you, I realised that you were actually a regular girl that was just lost. I know that we didn’t start off well but if you’re alright to start over. If not, perhaps we can just try and get along, slowly…” Tsukasa replied, his hand making its way back on top of yours, caressing your hand

“Tsukasa…I hope that this isn’t a joke” you mumbled, not wanting to give in just yet

“I promise you that I want to start anew” Tsukasa replied back, intertwining your fingers together

But right when Tsukasa was leaning closer and you completely forgot about how you ended up in this world in the first place, Yuta came and stopped you both from going any further. His eyes were worried but sharp at the same time.

Noticing his glare, Tsukasa knew that Yuta would probably want to talk to you alone. “You don’t have to answer me now. I’ll wait for you this time. Get better soon alright? Let me know if you need anything” Tsukasa sighed, kissing your knuckles before excusing himself from the room.

Once he was sure that Tsukasa was out of the room, Yuta sat on the chair right by the bed and observed your current state before speaking up. “Where did you go before?” Yuta asked, still trying to process everything that has happened in the past few hours

“I got a lead about this shaman that would know how do we get back to our world. Along the way, I heard about that gang wanting to attack everyone in Oya High” you replied

“Then why didn’t you just go to the Shaman? Oya can take care of themselves. You didn’t have to go all the way back just to warn them. Look where it got you” Yuta cursed, making you jump a bit

“Well I’m sorry that I got attached to all of them. I love them not just as characters but who they are. Being in this world taught me that. I know we’re not supposed to think of this world as our own but the more I stay here and interact with everyone, the more that I care” you admitted, tears starting to build up

“I know. I know (y/n). I slowly also become attached and I guess that has become a problem for both of us. I know how much you adore Tsukasa but you can’t let him get close to you and vice versa. I’ll visit the shaman tomorrow and let you know once I come back. Until then, you have to set up some boundaries between you and the others; especially Tsukasa. Because from what I’ve seen, it seems like he has also grown attached to you in some way” Yuta suggested, holding your hands in his

“I know. I just. I feel bad. Turning down his feelings? Should we just tell them all the truth? Or at least let me go with you to the Shaman since the two of us are the ones that need to go back” you replied

“Fine. We’ll both go to the Shaman and once we got the answer from them, we’ll both go back to the others and tell them the truth” Yuta replied whilst hugging you, comforting you in the process

The next day came sooner than you’d like. You were getting better and luckily enough, the nurse allowed you to be discharged. Yuta helped you get up and the two of you head out as early as possible. Mainly to avoid the other guys.

The two of you walked through the woods you went through the other day and made your way to the Shaman’s place. Once the two of you reached the place, you noticed that the Shaman was doing their daily activities but stopped the moment the two of you stopped right in front of their house.

“Begone you two lost souls” the shaman stated as the two of you stopped in your tracks

“Since you already know who we are, I’ll get straight to the point. How the hell do we get back to our own universe? Clearly, this universe isn’t ours” Yuta blurted out, trying to get close but for some reason it was as if there was an invisible barrier preventing him

“It’s not about how you get back. But about you truly letting go of this universe. All you had to do to get back was find me but it looks like one of you isn’t ready to go back just yet” the Shaman stated, looking at you specifically

“Not just her though. The boy in this universe is also not ready to let her go just yet” the Shaman added on, making the two of you confused

“(y/n)…” Yuta whispered, facing towards you but his gaze was somewhere else

Just as you turned around and followed Yuta’s gaze did you finally understand. Tsukasa and some of the other Oya High students were there along with other guys from Housen, Suzuran and even Senomon High.

“Tsukasa…” you whispered out, tears were finally starting to fall one after the other while Tsukasa looked at both you and Yuta in disbelief

“You lied. All this time. Both of you. We were all foolish to let you both, especially you…” Tsukasa stated, looking deeply into your figure. “I was foolish to think that we could actually connect. That we have some sort of bond” Tsukasa spotted, his words were practically like acupuncture needles but sharper and would prick deeper into your skin

“Tsukasa. Chotto matte kudasai (wait for a moment). Let me explain…” you tried to reason but Tsukasa already turned his back on you

“Go home (y/n). Your actual friends are probably waiting for you. I won’t hold you back. Goodbye (y/n)” Tsukasa stated about to walk away but stopped when you had an outburst

“How the hell am I supposed to go back knowing that you probably hate me?! I can’t go back even more now” you exclaimed, not holding back anymore tears

“That was on you. You knew where you came from. You knew that you didn’t belong here. Yet you still like as if you were part of this world” Tsukasa shouted back, making you flinch since you have never seen him get angry before

“Ya, Tsukasa. Say anything hurtful towards her again, I’ll knock you out again. You think someone can prevent themselves from feeling how they felt?! Don’t say shit like this when you too also felt something” Yuta growled back, making Tsukasa even more pissed off that he went and stood in front of Yuta and faced him

“You also have no say in this, Suzaki. Or whoever you are in his body” Tsukasa spotted but was immediately welcomed by Yuta’s punch

“You can say whatever shit you want about me but not her. You have no fucking idea how hard it was for her to hold herself back. Not to mention the way you first treated her. Yes, perhaps it was wrong of her to get close with the others. But you also didn’t give her a warm welcome, now did you? Yet yesterday you seemed to be the most fired up when she was hurt and now you’re saying as if her feelings weren’t valid at all” Yuta argued, throwing punches and kicks at Tsukasa which turned the whole meeting into an actual fight

The two didn’t back down for even just a breather. Yuta would throw punches whereas Tsukasa would dodge them and try to hit back. You were sick and tired of all this fighting which happened because of you that you decided that you should put an end to it but right when you were interrupting them, Tsukasa accidentally hit your side and you stumbled and fall, holding your sides while coughing out.

The second Tsukasa hit you, Yuta instinctively grabbed you as all the others that were there went to see if you were alright. Despite you and Yuta somewhat deceiving everyone, they all still cared about the two of you. Fujio especially held Tsukasa back and smacked his friend for what he had just done.

“YA!!! Wake up Tsukasa!! Do you not realise what you’re doing?!” Fujio shouted at his friend, punching him that Tsukasa was now on the ground yet his eyes never leaving your sight

“Ryo was right. You didn’t even consider how she must’ve felt. She’s not completely at fault. You were the one that told me that you also caught feelings yet now it seemed like you’re blaming it all on her? Look at where that anger brought you!!” Fujio rambled, gripping his hair out of frustration of his own friend

“Fujio!!!” Yuta shouted at the leader of Oya, grabbing everyone’s attention. “We’ll stay here. It’s best that the two of us distance ourselves from everyone. Especially (y/n). At least let me take care of her first before I explain everything to you all. I owe you all that” Yuta stated as Fujio nodded as a sign of acknowledgement

Thankfully, the Shaman allowed both Yuta and you to stay at their place, saying that it would be easier for the two; especially when the two are ready to go back to their own universe. Once Yuta helped you, he told you to rest and to figure out your own feelings as he was going to explain to the others what actually happened.

“I should go too. It’s not just you. I was the one who was most at fault” you mumbled, making Yuta sit back down beside you

“We all make mistakes (y/n). But don’t you ever think for a second that your feelings were not valid. If Tsukasa can’t man up and understand then he doesn’t deserve your feelings. I’m also just going to tell them about what actually is happening so that they would hopefully understand” Yuta replied back, tucking you in bed

“Yuta…” you breathed out, holding his hand, Yuta turned to wait for your statement. “Thank you. When we get back, I think I owe you that omakase dinner you wanted” you chuckled, making Yuta smile

“I look forward to it. I’ll be back” Yuta replied, patting your head then left to explain to the others who were waiting outside of the Shaman’s house

“Honestly, I didn’t expect that all of you would still be here” Yuta stated, putting his hands in the pocket of his pants

“We all wanted to know the truth. After then will we decide” Fujio stated as the others agreed

Yuta then told everyone the truth. How he and you were not from this universe and instead in a universe where he and most of the other High and Low characters are singers; which clearly shocked everyone. In addition, Yuta also told them all that in their universe, you were a close friend of his and was also a fan of everyone in the High & Low universe.

“So basically, all of us have an alternate self in your universe and even if you guys go back, there will be another us over there?” Fujio asked excitedly, making Yuta giggle

“Yes. There are you guys in our universe as well. But I will say this Tsukasa. Even if there is another you in our universe. (y/n) already had an attachment with you as a character but now I guess it’s safe to say that she truly has an attachment with you and even if she has to let everything that has happened here go, she will still have some sort of attachment towards you but not just as a character but an actual person” Yuta explained, silence immediately filled the air

It was when Yuta explained to Tsukasa did he realise that you clearly had more to lose since once you go back, you will have to continue with the fact that all of this might just seem like a dream since in your world, everyone in this world is basically fiction. Knowing that he doesn’t have much time left with you, Tsukasa just wanted to have one final conversation with you. To hopefully bring closure to the both of you before you both part ways. And hopefully not have any regrets when you two actually part ways.

“Hey…How are you feeling?” Tsukasa softly whispered, noticing that you were wide awake and sitting on the bed

“Hey…Am better now. Now I know why they call you the sleeping lion” you joked as Tsukasa went to sit next to you

“About what happened. I’m sorry. I really am. I was just mad about the sudden discovery that all I think about was if you hadn’t been so close to everyone, it wouldn’t be that hard to let go. But after what Ryo, I mean, Yuta said, I tried to see it from your shoes and I’m sorry. I just hope that we can have some closure and well” Tsukasa rambled, stuttering with his words, especially with the next words that he’s going to say. “I do like you too and I know this might seem a bad timing since you want to go back to your own universe but I just feel the need to say it because I don’t want to have any regrets. I know that it might be hard during the first few times after you leave but at least I won’t have any regrets. At least, I’m happy to be able to be honest with you about how I’ve felt” Tsukasa admitted as he held your hand in his

“Tsukasa…” you teared up, slightly hitting his chest while he hugged you, stroking your hair. “You really have one of the worst timing ever” you tried to joke as Tsukasa sighed in relief, holding you closer to him

As you slowly opened your eyes, you scanned your surroundings and found yourself back at Yuta’s apartment. Looking at your phone, you noticed that not much time passed back in your universe.

Sighing, you got up and found Yuta asleep on the floor. You shook Yuta a few times until he finally woke up. Chuckled at his current state, you told him that you were going to make breakfast which Yuta thank you for and hit the shower.

As you made breakfast, the doorbell to Yuta’s apartment rang. Quickly, you turned off the stove and headed to see who it was. To your surprise, it was Ryoki, Kazuma and Hokuto, all in their casual wear but presentable enough just like when you were in high school about to hang out at your friend’s place.

“Hi. Sorry, did we come at a wrong time?” Kazuma asked politely which you shake your head, reassuring them that they didn’t and invited them into the house

“Hey (y/n), who is…Oh, hi guys” Yuta stated, making his appearance as he was also dressed. “Ahh right. This is (y/n), my best friend since before I moved to Korea. (y/n), this is Kazuma, Hokuto and Ryoki. Well, she knows all of you because she’s a fan of the High & Low movies. Plus, she’s a big fan of Tsukasa” Yuta blurted, making you blush and hit his bicep playfully, trying to hide your shyness as the other 3 male in front of you giggle

“Well (y/n). Pleased to meet you and thank you for being a fan. I think we’ll get along pretty well” Hokuto exclaimed, giving you one of the biggest smile you’ve seen him do

A/N: yeap, this almost 6k fic took me practically a month to write :') Anyways, I hope that you guys enjoy it and wow, it's been 3 years since I'm on Tumblr. What a ride it is and don't worry, I don't plan on stopping soon. I just hope that everyone who has similar interest as I do can enjoy the stories that I put out

Also, if anyone wants to ramble about the H&L universe (ehem, Amamiya brothers), please don't be scared to talk to me or send me a message or even a request because I'd be happy to do some H&L fanfics as I have not seen much of it :') Alright, I need to sleep (as of writing this). Thank you all for reading and sticking by for the past 3 years or so. Stay safe and may you always be happy :) xoxo Vinet

#nct #nct yuta #nct yuta scenarios #nct yuta imagines #high and low #high and low fanfic #nct fanfic #nct 127 yuta #nct 127 fanfic #nct nakamoto yuta #nakamoto yuta #yuta nakamoto #nakamoto yuta imagines #nakamoto yuta scenarios #tsukasa x reader #tsukasa takajo #takajo tsukasa #high and low the worst x #high&low

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waywardstation · 11 months

Note

I'm a little sad to see this blog mostly shares polls nowadays... I miss the AU talk and random chatter about ideas or headcanons, your opinions on things and the wip wednesdays I'm still happy to see your art in between all those polls. (before forgetting: you might have already lost but to me Train of Thought IS and WILL BE my favorite submas AU. No contest. Nope. Never.) But yeah, missing the old days here. Dearly. Verrrry much. Don't get this wrong, you're either probably still recovering, you're insanely busy or maybe even moved on... either way wishing you have fun with wherever tracks take you! I was happy to be on this blog in it's prime.

Hey Anon! I will be honest with you on this cause I do want to explain what has happened with this blog lately, and where I plan to go with it. (It��s not going anywhere, don’t worry!!)

There are a few reasons for the inactivity. Part of it is just me recovering from university work. I pushed myself way harder than I should have for way longer than I should have, and now I’m kinda trying to just recalibrate my brain and mental health. It’s really foggy and I struggle with concentration and comprehension a lot currently. (And this is also why I haven’t really answered asks, when I tried to answer Papa Ingo AU asks while like this, it really only led to getting confused and correctional asks in response, because I kept getting things wrong, and that made things really overwhelming.)

AND SECOND! Most of my free time right now is not being spent on this blog, because most of it is going into writing and editing. Concentration and comprehension issues are making it take a lot longer than I’d like it to right now, but I have a lot of content on the way!

- four new chapters of HFBE

- three chapters of IWLYB

- a five chapter, 25k+ word fic titled Rain Check

- another fic titled Entropy Syndrome

None of these are out yet because Entropy Syndrome’s narrative covers a concept that spans across all of these other fics and chapters, and it’s adjusted a lot of content that’s making me rewrite things several times over to ensure it’s properly written in and connected ^^;

And lastly, sadly a lot of it is just irrational anxiety. I stopped posting for a while for university, and anxiety makes me irrationally scared to start again because it always makes it hard to start back at something once I’ve stopped ^^; (I’m hoping dumping all these fics will alleviate this when I’m done with them though! Fic posting is what diminished my anxiety enough to start this blog in the first place!!)

BELIEVE ME I miss how this blog used to be as well, but my mentality is still sort of recovering from what I did to it for four years straight, and I can’t really force it to keep going more right now. It’s certainly a process, but I’m recovering!

Lots of stuff is coming soon! I have a few minutes drabbles on hand, I will attempt to start posting those while I keep working on these fics.

Thank you for the ask anon!! It means a lot that you liked this blog so much. I still love it, and I’m taking care of myself as best I can so that I can get back to running this blog at full efficiency!!

Thank you again Anon!!! ^^

#wayward’s asks

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indecisivemuch · 11 months

Text

Time wasn't in our favor - Part 4 (Sad Ending)

Pairing: TASM Peter Parker (Andrew Garfield) x Female!Reader

Summary: What if...your soulmate is from another universe but you didn't know? Soulmate AU. Set during NWH, fluff.

Word count: 3k

Series Masterlist: Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Happy Ending, Sad Ending.

The first thing Peter Parker did after he returned to his universe was swing back to his apartment. He needed the confirmation despite his heart already giving indications of the truth. Ignoring the injuries that he was sporting after the multiversal battle, Peter checked his soul mark. A shaky chuckle echoed as he saw the mark identical to Y/N’s.

His tattoo indeed changed after meeting her. They were red - a color Peter never thought his tattoo would ever be in again. Peter shook his head as his brain started racking up ideas on how to see her again. While changing out of his Spider-man suit, an item fell out and onto the ground. They were the photos he took with Y/N from the photo booth.

Peter quickly threw on a hoodie before picking the photo up. His hands ever so lightly held the item, as if afraid he would ruin it. But as of that moment, it was the only thing left of her that he had - excluding the tattoo, of course. He settled down onto his bed, eyes never leaving the item. He traced every inch of her face, clinging to every detail the little paper would convey. He finally had time to breathe, instead of getting tangled into the rush of saving the day. It was only now that he got to memorize every inch of her face, something he, unfortunately, could not do before leaving the second chance he got at a soulmate.

Suddenly, the sound of his front door unlocking caused Peter’s senses to perk up. The hero immediately listened for more signs of danger. He set the photos on his desk before inching towards the bedroom door. His hands gripped the knob as he heard the sound of a sigh, some things being dropped before footsteps sounded. With determination, Peter stormed out of his room and prepared to attack the stranger.

“Oh my gosh, Peter, you scared me,” the voice yelled right after yelping. The person started soothing their heart by rubbing their hand above where their heart would be.

Meanwhile, Peter froze in disbelief.

“...Gwen?” his voice broke while calling out to his first love.

“Yeah...who else?” she jested, giving him that familiar grin that he once wished to cherish more often than before. But now, he had the chance to see it again. “Oh my gosh, what happened to you?” she asked upon noticing the dried blood on him, inching closer and putting both her hands on his face.

“I-I’m not sure,” the boy muttered, lost in the thought of her and what was happening.

“Must be quite a bad guy, huh? For them to be able to do this? I do trust that you kept your promise to be careful though,” Gwen caressed his face, lightly tracing it as if scared that she would hurt him.

“H-how did you get in?” Peter asked, finally realizing that he always locked his front every time he got home.

“...What do you mean?” she asked, looking at him as if he had lost his mind. All that came back at her was a genuinely confused face. “Peter...I have a key?” It was a statement that came out as a question. “I...I live here with you? We’re married?” Again, Gwen was met with no replies. “Babe, this is our home,” she continued.

Home? Why does home sound so wrong? He could not help but wonder as the words spilled out of her mouth.

“Did they hit you that hard? The bad guys? Are you...do you have an amnesia?” Gwen touched his forehead at this.

“No, I-” he stopped himself, staring at his supposed wife in disbelief.

How did this happen?

“Don’t worry about me,” Peter finally settled on saying.

“Yeah, well, it’s included in the vows so I can’t really opt out on that. ‘Through sickness and in health’, remember?” Gwen smiled, finally removing her scarf and discarding it on their sofa. “Well, how about I make dinner tonight, you’d like that?” she asked, even though her mind had already settled on the idea. Gwen proceeded to wrap her arms around her husband’s neck, grinning up at him like a kid on Christmas day.

“Yeah, I-I’d like that.”

“Good, now, go shower. You stink,” she confessed, offering him another one of those gorgeous smiles before walking into the kitchen.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He saw his ring on the sink when he walked into the bathroom.

Marriage was definitely something Peter had wanted his whole life. However, he could not help but be scared at the thought of knowing he was in one right that second. He was already unsettled from the fact that Gwen’s stuff was already in the bedroom when he returned but he was so engulfed in post-battle and thoughts of Y/N that he did not notice.

Y/N.

Peter looked down at his tattoo. It was still identical to the one on the wrist of the girl he had met a day ago. The color was still bright red. Peter could not tell how he should feel about Gwen no longer being his soulmate. Seeing her again right after finally healing that one wound he never thought would stop hurting made it worse. Either way, he has to face this.

Exiting the bedroom, Peter found Gwen swaying to the music playing on their speaker.

“I bumped into one of my old classmates from Oxford and had a quick catch-up. I just can’t believe how long ago it has be-” Gwen immediately let out a chuckle as she heard the next song come on. “It’s our wedding song. Dance with me, Peter, please?” she asked, tugging at his hand.

“Won’t the food burn?”

“It’ll be quick,” she pulled Peter out of the kitchen and into their living room, where her hands found themselves around his neck as the two started swaying to the song that apparently signified so much to them. However, to him, it was the first time Peter heard that song. It hurt him so much to know that he somehow unintentionally missed out the last few years of their relationship. He knew that it was somewhat selfish cause he should feel grateful to have her back, but half of his thoughts were purely about Y/N.

Before he knew it, the song was over. Gwen lifted her head from his chest and looked into his eyes. She inched on her toes and gave him a quick peck on the lips.

“I love you,” she said after breaking away from the kiss.

“I love you too,” why was it so damn easy for those words to slip out of him.

Maybe this is a sign from the universe. It gave her back to him.

Next thing he knew, Peter was bending over as he groaned. His left hand immediately clung around his wrist, where his tattoo would be. It felt almost numbing, yet the burning sensation made Peter want to collapse on his knees. Without even looking at Gwen, Peter stormed into the bedroom and locked the door.

“Peter? Are you okay?” he heard her from inside the bedroom, but dismissed it as he rolled his sleeves up to look at the source of his pain.

There it was. His skin was swelling and morphing into something new as the previous red mark blistered and scarred. Peter gasped for air as the pain seemed to amplify while his heart rate tripled. He looked away from the tattoo as he hid his face in the pillow, letting out a muffled scream over the agony.

Then just like that, the pain abruptly stopped and all Peter was left with was a hazing feeling. He weakly lifted his head up in disbelief over the experience. Almost immediately, his eyes landed on the wrist and almost dry chuckled at the situation.

There it was, a red soul mark. Except this one matched with Gwen instead of Y/N. However, he could briefly see a scar underneath that resembled what was his second chance.

Sitting up, Peter blinked wildly as he tried to comprehend what was happening. He approached the desk and saw the photo booth photo again. The boy picked it up and stared at the item in confusion before hearing Gwen call out again.

“Peter, please let me in. I’m worried about you.”

He turned towards the bedroom door before his eyes took in the sight of what used to be his bedroom. It was now his and Gwen’s bedroom. There were photos of them hung everywhere. His stuff was intertwined with hers. Every little thing here resembled a life that he somehow missed. Everything in this room was what he had always dreamed of. His happy ending was right here, but why does it feel so wrong to have it?

“No...” Peter muttered as he tried to have an internal conversation with himself. A part of him tried to convince his mind that perhaps he deserved this and the hesitation would go away once he settled into this life. After all, this was what he had wished for for so long.

Maybe it was time to just take things for granted. Perhaps this was life giving him a true second chance. What is to say that he will ever see Y/N again anyway? His heart ached at that, but Peter ignored it as he tried to sway the thoughts away. He looked back at the photo in his hand.

Maybe...the ‘this feels wrong’ feeling will disappear...if he lets the memories go.

With that, he dropped the photo out of the window, letting the wind take his what-ifs away.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Come back in two hours, yeah?” though his voice made the question come out as more of a command than anything. But the girl knew it was all with good intentions, so she nodded and watched as the man closed the magic portal.

Y/N was here on a mission: find Peter Parker - the one that belonged to her, and…possibly stay here and run from Doctor Strange if he tries to take her back to her universe. Though now that she is in his world, she felt almost foolish to come here without a plan to actually find her Peter. So here she was, standing in an alleyway, clueless and lost. Neither does she know how to find him either.

“Life, please give me a sign on where to find him...” she groaned as she muttered to herself. The girl covered her face as she brainstormed on ways to find Peter. That was when something light hit her head, which made her uncover her eyes and look at the object. Her mouth fell agape as she recognized what had landed on her a second ago. Y/N picked up what was metaphorically “a sign” for her, It was the photo she took with Peter in the photo booth. However, the girl scrunched her eyes as she realized this was not her copy, but Peter’s.

Y/N looked up into the sky before averting to the building next to the alleyway. She then saw the light turning on in one of the rooms. In a slight cliche way, a lightbulb almost went off in her head as she deduced the situation. Perhaps Peter lived in this building and left his window open, and somehow the photo fell out and reached her. Even though Y/N knew it was technically illegal, the girl decided to try it anyway. She climbed through the fence and reached the fire escape with slight difficulty. Once there, Y/N made her way up to each window on each floor, peering in slightly to check and hoped that it was Peter’s apartment.

She almost gave up when she reached the fourth window. However, that was when Y/N halted as she peered in. There he was, just like how she remembered him. Except now he was in ordinary clothing that fitted him, instead of his spider-suit or clothes of a Peter Parker from another universe. Blood was no longer on his face, but there were marks indicating that the battle did happen and that he had saved her New York City.

But what struck Y/N was the blonde that was with him. Y/N desperately wanted to believe she was only a friend, but with her hand on his face and the ring on both their left hands’ fourth fingers. Y/N bit her lip as she glanced around his bedroom and saw the photos that hung on the wall. They almost all had the blonde in them. He also looked so happy in all of them.

He looked in love.

Y/N hands gripped slightly harder on the photo booth’s photos, scrunching it slightly. She held back the tears, but all her self-control broke when she saw his wrist.

His soulmate mark did not match hers.

A sob left her lips as she felt pain jolt through her wrist. Y/N slapped a hand over her mouth as she ducked down from the window, afraid of getting caught.

Peter heard the noise and turned towards the window.

“Probably our neighbor again, she’s always drunk on Friday nights,” Gwen commented, dismissing the noise. Peter kept his glance out the window for a second, his spidey senses signaling something to him but he could not decipher it. Also dismissing the noise, Peter turned back to Gwen and smiled at her.

Meanwhile, Y/N was sitting on the fire escape, her head under the window as she bit into her arm to keep herself from screaming. She leaned against the wall near the window, hiding in the shadow. Tears were free-falling from her eyes as she looked down at her tattoo. The radiating color it once held was slowly slipping away. Another sob almost escaped as she realized that instead of reverting back to black, her soulmate tattoo now had a faded gray color.

The pain slowly subsided, but the numbness remained. Y/N looked at the photo again.

She wondered if he had thought of her at all ever since he came back. She wondered why he never mentioned having a wife and why he would ever cheat on his partner like that. She wondered if he had felt it all like she did, or was it all one-sided and this was once again another false hope situation. Out of bitterness, Y/N ripped the photo in half and discarded it on the metal ground she was sitting on.

He made his choice, so she walked away. Her legs dragged her numb self down the stairs before sliding down a wall in the alleyway to wait for Doctor Strange.

“Hey, kid,” Doctor Strange called out, scrunching his eyebrows softly as he saw her tear-stained face. Y/N, on the other hand, realized that she was too occupied by her mind to notice that time had passed and the man who had already portaled there.

“...Come on, let’s go home,” he spoke quietly, his voice soft and the most empathetic he could. Doctor Strange knew asking if she was okay would be stupid, and offering sentimental support was not his forte either. In fact, the doctor believed that with his lack of skill in displaying empathy, he might make things worse by accidentally saying something sarcastic and mocking. But either way, he decided to try: “There’s some ice cream at the sanctum...” he muttered, glancing away from the crying girl.

“Thank you, but...just take me home, sir,” Y/N replied, knowing that even though he offered it, the sorcerer was uncomfortable with this kind of situation. Stephen Strange nodded, conjuring a portal with the hand motion that Y/N had seen many times. He stepped through it with ease, but Y/N’s foot felt heavy as she dragged herself closer to the sparkling circle. The girl looked back up at that brightly lit window.

“You coming?” he said softly from the other side of the portal.

Despite her anger at that moment, she knew that if he decided to run after her in the future, she’d still open her arms to him. So if, by chance, it doesn’t work out with Gwen, he’ll always have a chance with Y/N and her world. With that last thought, Y/N stepped through the portal and into her world, saying goodbye to the man that had stolen her heart in less than twenty-four hours.

Granted, her wish came true. She fell in love with no indication from her mark or the concept. And it did prove to her that the concept was genuine. However, it also proved that sometimes soulmates aren’t meant to be, because hers never belonged to her since the beginning.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

BONUS:

In the middle of New York, a girl entered her favorite sandwich shop. “Hi, can I get a meatball sandwich without pickles and extra cheese, please? Thanks, Richard” the girl ordered.

“No problem, Y/N. How was the shift?”

“Super busy...and depressing. I had to slip away to get my mind off today's surgeries. Everything just seems to fall apart today,” Doctor Y/N L/N answered. Surgery after surgery, the girl has worked for over 50 hours without sleeping. Not only that, but the bus accident has left many in critical conditions.

“I’m sorry to hear that. Here, a brownie on the house,”

“Thank you, Richard, I’ll see you soon.”

The girl picked up her sandwich and brownie before heading towards the door. Before she could reach it, her knee gave away. She collapsed on the ground, groaning loudly as she felt an excruciating pain on her wrist, where her soul mark was.

“What’s happening?” she looked down to see her tattoo of a spider with two shorter legs slowly vanishing.

“Y/N?” the owner called out, coming up from behind her, trying to figure out what was wrong. The doctor, however, only had her eyes on what was happening to her wrist. There it was, a pink scar in the spot where her soulmate tattoo used to be. Without answering the man behind her, Y/N took out her phone and dialed it.

“This is the Palmer-Strange clinic for soulmate care. How may we help you?” a voice answered through the device.

“Get Doctor Christine Palmer on the phone, please.”

-------------

That's it for the series. Thank you for reading!!!!!!

Series Masterlist: Prologue, Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Happy Ending, Sad Ending.

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igotanidea · 2 years

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Mind the words: Matt Murdock x reader

request: can I pretty please request heavy angsty mattyxreader with 144 stop being such a baby with happy ending.

I left the ending a bit open, but it is still happy and hopeful :)

I can’t be anyone else but me. And that means I am chaotic, messy and moody while tired or stressed. And so it happens that lately I’ve been constantly under stress. Work and life and health issues and well, the fact that my boyfriend happens to be Daredevil and gets beaten up every night. Can you blame me for having trouble with keeping it all up?

There’s also one more thing you should know about me. The more worried and broken inside I feel the more I try to cover it up with fake enthusiasm, nervous energy and panic attacks. So when my colleagues and friends see me bursting with energy running around the office doing my chores it is not a good sign, but rather a symptom of me going through shit. Everyone, literally everyone knows that. So when Foggy and Karen realized what was going on they forced me to go out to Josie’s. Matt was not there because of his night shift, so being out of his watchful eye I completely let myself go. Having drink after drink I quickly got wasted and Foggy decided it was better if he walked me home.

“Are you sure you are ok?”

“What? Yeah, yeah, Fog, don’t worry. I’ll be fine” I say in singsong voice waving hands around and almost tripping over my own feet.

“I think you went a bit too far and ….. owww….” He turned away while I rushed to the gutter and started throwing up and coughing frantically “What is going on with you lately my friend?”

“Take a guess” I scoffed

“Hey, it’s me. You can tell me, you know.”

“it’s just stress Foggy. I’ll get some sleep and be brand new in the morning.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.” I smiled weakly to the point to which my dizziness and weariness let me

“Fine” Foggy did not seem convinced ‘I’ll call you in the morning, ok?”

“Sure. Just not too early, please. It’s Saturday after all.”

“You got it. See you tomorrow then”

“Bye Foggy” I waved him goodbye and entered the staircase dreaming only of my bed and 8-hours of rest.

“Hey, neighbor” apparently it was not given. Jake, who was living on the first floor came to sight and casually leaned on the doorframe “heavy night?”

“Heavy week” I muttered not in the mood for conversations

“I can absolutely relate to that” he obviously didn’t get the hint and I was just impatiently kicking my heels, feeling the alcohol blurring my system. “You know, you look so pretty now” he took a step forward invading my personal space, but I was too spaced-out to even react. Jake was quick to use it against me as he closed the distance to zero and started kissing me. When I realized what was happening I tried my best to push him away but he just grabbed me closed and kissed harder and harder. I was starting to lose my breath, my brain and whole body screaming at this unwanted touch and in some crazy instinct I kicked him in the groins.

“Bitch!” he yelled and if it wasn’t for my regained reflex he would have slapped me in the face “you are mental! First you walk around provoking me and then act like a nutbag!”

“You are delusional Jake, I never wanted you! I got a boyfriend you creep!”

“Poor one, he has a slut of a girlfriend!” he spat at me and this time I could not stop myself from hitting his face. Guess, that little bit of boxing lessons Matt gave me was worth the effort. Or at least I thought so, since in retaliation Jake pulled my hair painfully.

“Let. Go. Of. Me!” I yanked myself free before he could drag me into his flat and do God knows what more to me. However since he was still holding my sleeve sudden move made the material tear and I was standing in the hall with my arms and half of my chest exposed. Thankfully, one of the other neighbor got alarmed of the noises and stuck his head out distracting Jake and giving me the opportunity to run away which I gladly took running to my apartment and closing the door in relief. Only now I realized I was shaking and to make the situation better I decided to go straight to bed. Screw the shower, screw everything. I need to sleep it out.

Once again however, the fate decided to mock me.

“Holy shit, Matthew!” I screamed, hand on my heart as I spotted red-dressed silhouette on my couch “don’t do this! You’ll give me heart attack!”

“Sorry.” He muttered taking off his mask “I’ve heard you had hard week, so I though….” He came closer putting his hands around me and surprisingly, frowning.

“Are you hurt? What’s wrong?” I asked leaning into his chest trying to calm him down.

“you tell me” suddenly his voice became dark “you’re drunk and you smell of someone… else. What did you do?”

“Matt….” I pulled away looking at him carefully “what are you talking about?”

“What did you do? I know there’s another man involved. So are you going to tell me or do I have to keep figuring it out by myself?”

“Are you accusing me of cheating on you?” I crossed arms, not believing what he was saying.

“I don’t know. Did you?”

“Like you said. I had hard week.” I hissed “I went out with Karen and Foggy since unfortunately you were not there. I had couple drinks. And when I got home, Jake, my friendly neighbor tried to drag me into his flat and …. and…..” I broke all the emotions finally getting the best of me.

“Did he do anything to you?” Matt’s voice was still dark but now some concern showed up in his tone as he put a strand of hair behind my ear. Maybe I should drop this, let it all go and just dive back into his arms, but what he said, what he believed I could do, was not something I could forgive. He was supposed to be on my side not against me.

“No. Thankfully I was able to get away. Myself. Because despite of what you say, about how you protect everyone and the whole city you are never there when I need you!” I sobbed, tears beaming from my eyes.

“That is exactly why I tried to teach you self-defense!”

“Well it’s not enough!”

“Well I can’t be around you all the time! I can’t protect everyone!”

“Well then maybe you should choose what, or rather who is more important to you!”

“Is that an ultimatum?” he spat

“And what if it is?” this question hang between us in gravy silence. Not even a fly had the audacity to move in the space. Only the buzzing of lights and some distant car honks made it all real. If it was not for that I would believe this to be a nightmare. Matt’s face was so focused and tensed that I almost saw the cogs turning inside his head. This fight clearly got to a point from where all relied on his answer and as a lawyer he definitely had a way with words. Twisting them and colorizing the reality was his daily bread, but this time it was not a case in the courtroom. This was something far more personal. We just stood in front of each other, angry, terrified, sad, hurt, none of us willing to give up, rather gathering for another round. Panting breaths, rapidly beating hearts, shaking hands, spinning minds. Where will this end?

“Then you give me no choice. There are people out there that needs protection. From what I see you are safe now.”

“Right. I’m perfectly safe spending the night getting drunk to forget the stress my boyfriend gives me.”

“I give you stress? Have you ever considered that every time I am out there I am scared to death something might happen to you! I’m distracted because you are always on my mind!” he yelled exasperated, his whole body bristled almost like I was another rogue that has to be fought.

“I see.” I spoke coldly “if I’m such a nuisance to you why don’t you leave? Seems like we are no good for each other after all!”

“Don’t say that” he reached for my hand once again but I jumped away knowing well enough it was just another trick of his to win me over and make me give up.

“Why? Apparently it’s true. You got hurt because I was on your mind. I got drunk because I wanted to forget about you running the street getting hurt. It’s crazy. This whole relationship was crazy from the very beginning!”

“Fuck, will you calm down!” now he was acting more like Daredevil than my Matt. Getting more and more violent and aggressive every second. “you are overemotional over nothing!”

“Nothing?!”

“Precisely.”

“So, this” I point to him and then to myself but gave up and throw my hands up in the air in aggravation “you and me. This is nothing to you.”

“That is not what I meant and you know that!”

“No, Matt, I don’t know! I don’t know anything anymore. So why don’t Mr. Oh-so-very-good-lawyer mansplain me?!” I was now completely out of control and what was even worse I didn’t want to stop.

“Calm. Down” he said once again.

“Why don’t you make me” I turned around and shot him an angry glance.

It only took him two steps to reach the side of the room where I was standing. Our chest and faces inches from each other, breaths still hot and fast, heat radiating from the bodies, emotions and adrenaline making us both high and drunk on the feelings. He slowly leaned down to the point where his gazeless eyes met mine.

“Stop acting like a baby”

I have to admit I was secretly hoping for another outcome. How did conversation that started with “I heard you got a hard week ended up here”

“Get out Matt.” I hissed turning my head away from him. That hurt.

“No. not before we clean this out between us.”

“I’m serious Matt. Get out of my flat.”

“Sweetheart” there is this tone. Trying to sweat talk me. But not this time. It won’t work.

“Please, go. We are both angry, it’s late and nothing good can come out of this. Go.” I pleaded but he did not budge.

“No.”

“Matt…..” I sighed and plumped onto the couch hiding face in hands.

“Hey, don’t” he quickly followed me grabbing my hands and putting them on his lap “Look at me. When… when we started dating…. When we become a couple I promised myself I would never go to bed without kissing you goodnight. I swore to myself that I would never allow any of us to spend the night angry at each other. Tell me, did I ever broke it?”

“I…..”

“Say it. Did I?”

“Giving it a lot of thoughts…..” I smirked

“don’t push it” he caressed my cheek waiting for response

“You did not. At least from what I’m aware of.”

“What do you mean?”

“Tell me, did you ever sneak into my apartment in your daredevil costume after a fight to kiss me goodnight while I was sleeping?”

“That would be a serious violation of many, many law provisions, wouldn’t it?” he moved a bit closer

“Spoken like a true lawyer. But, however crazy this may sound….” I bit my lower lip

“What?”

“That would also be extremely hot.”

“Do you have a kink I should know about?”

“I’m still mad at you” I reminded him

“I know. I can sense that. But I also sense that is not what you feel now.”

“Matt.” I warned him but I could not help grinning.

“Fine. No pushing. You can be mad however you want, just please, please don’t push me away. Don’t make me leave” he moved even closer so now our foreheads were touching and I closed my eyes at this proximity “please, let me stay. “

“Fine. On the couch.” I pointed towards the other room. “That is all you get.”

“Honey?”

“What now?”

“Can I kiss you goodnight?”

“Isn’t it illegal to kiss a baby?” I mocked reminding him of the words he used towards me.

“Cheek?”

“God damn you lawyers!” I muttered turning my face so he could keep the promise he made at the begging of our relationship

“Good night, sweetie” he stood up obediently “we’ll talk in the morning?”

“Only if you welcome me with coffee and a perfect breakfast. You know, babies need healthy, top quality food.”

“You won’t let it go lightly, will you?”

“Nope. Night Murdock” I throw a pillow his direction and even if he knew exactly where I was aiming he left without catching it and without saying another word. He was going to deal with very demanding and whining girlfriend the next day.

@somest1 @pinksirensong

#matt murdock #matt murdock x you #matt murdock x reader #daredevil x reader #matt murdock x y/n #daredevil netflix #daredevil x y/n #daredevil #daredevil x you #matt murdock imagine #daredevil imagine #matt murdock one shot #daredevil one shot #mcu #marvel mcu #marvel cinematic universe #marvel imagines #marvel imagine #marvel one shot

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dufferpuffer · 2 months

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Do you think the whole “alpha horny werewolf” trope works with how you see Lupin and his sexual interactions? (Like are there certain times in the month where he could fit this trope? obviously he can’t do it alot of the times because of his health/strength). If so, how do you think he feels about this? Does taking a more dominant/aggressive role make him feel weird after? Does he like it? Does he feel shame? How do you think this plays out with him and his partner? How would he approach initiating sex during these times? How does it differ from how he normally behaves? (Sorry a lot of questions lol)

Erm, Ahcktually 🤓☝ wolves don't even HAVE alphas I don't like the 'alpha werewolf' angle for Remus. I think being a werewolf DOES slowly change his body - because it changes Greyback's - but Remus fights that to seem nonthreatening. I really like his movie werewolf design - because it looks like SHIT. Can't even grow a full pelt of fur… he looks weary and sick, enough that a dog is a decent fight even full of adrenaline at moon-rise.

He isn't a wolf in sheep's clothing as much as he is a sheep caught within the body of a wolf. A passive people pleaser. He never gets worked up at anyone for anything.

He pities Greyback, who bit him at 5 years old, and sympathizes with him.

He doesn't get angry at Severus for revealing his secret - he accepts it, and is so well-versed in scurrying off that his entire packing process is streamlined.

When he AGREES with Sirius' point during a heated argument he doesn't help him - because it would mean going against others in the room.

What does he do instead of argue with Harry…? He shoots one hex - and is GONE. zoom. Harry only see's the ends of his tailcoat.

That's the angriest, most emotional we see him: Coat-tails flapping around a corner while he runs off to sulk. He doesn't wanna argue, he doesn't wanna fight - even about important things. He wont stand up for people. He has no backbone.

I said all that... because Im sick of seeing buff dom Remus Because I think there is a distinction to make: I do think werewolf-brain seeps in at the edges of the Full Moon, the day or two before especially. But its not Alpha wolf. Its just Wolf. Dumb dog. Instinct. desire. Food yum. Head hurt. Sex good. He doesn't have an 'Alpha' bone in his body... apart from his partners ;) I don't think he becomes a drooling idiot (without help, anyway) but he is more likely to do what he wants. Which he never does. He always leaves the last piece of cake for someone else. Wolf brain... doesn't think of someone else. Cake yummy - I eat. It's not that he doesn't care, it's not that he is angry - its that he has stopped worrying. He isn't being dominant - just a little more insistent and shameless. I have a HC, a theory, that your Patronus is based not on who you are as a person - but who you are when you're at your happiest. Remus' is a Wolf. He hates it - I think because he hates the fact that he is happiest when he is a wolf. He stops worrying, stops being overly polite... and allows himself to just be himself, without filter.

How do I think he feels about wolf-brain...? He is so meticulous about how he acts and appears - he thinks it is embarrassing. He is always appeasing people, so forgetting that and just living in the moment feels like he is doing something wrong... Intimacy is a good time to practice being a little greedy. If he is encouraged to follow his instincts like this, and nothing bad comes of it... I think that's incredibly healing for him. Its a necessity. The more times he can let loose a bit, close his eyes and do whatever normal or weird shit comes to mind in the heat of the moment - trust that everything wont go wrong if he follows his heart... good therapy. ...Did I seriously write all this just to say 'Remus is not Alpha, Remus is Good Boy' And if you meant Alpha as in that Alpha/Beta/Omega... I have no idea, sorry. Not my cup of tea. Squicks me out along with 'soulmate' stuff.

#remus lupin #love you remus #remus my beloved #hp #headcannons #sorry this took awhile I have to do my boy justice and also I forgot it in my drafts

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anarchistfrogposting · 6 months

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hey, i’m seeing your posts about mental health and wondering if i can ask a question. my partner is currently struggling a lot w their mental health, and while i have experience with that, i don’t have much experience /being there/ for someone else. where is the line between helping & being there versus being overbearing or trying to “force” him to do things? if you don’t feel that you can advise me, ty for reading anyways <3

First off, I want to say thankyou and well done for reaching out. I’m sure it would mean a lot to him if he knew that you were concerned enough to reach out for help in helping him.

I’m not going to mince words; it’s a difficult line to straddle. If they’re doing really bad, you’re going to need to have lots of patience, energy and love for them. It’s not easy to help someone when they’re really struggling, and with something like depression, it can take a long time before things start to get better. It’s incredibly painful to see someone you love suffer.

When I was deep in a depression, it felt like people’s attempts to help me out, at least in a structural sense, were unnecessary and cajoling. Part of this was that it felt like I didn’t deserve the help- that I didn’t ask for it. Another part of this was that it took a lot of energy to do anything, so when people put lots of energy into having me around and keeping me involved in things, it felt like they were asking a lot.

But, and I have to be emphatic about this, if you helping him recover and get better is going to work, it is absolutely essential that if he feels the same way as I did, he recognises that is a cognitive distortion, that he works hard to show you love and appreciation for the love he puts into you, and, most importantly, shows you the love and kindness you deserve from a relationship. This might be hard to hear, but I did not do this, and it cost me a relationship that was deeply dear to me. If it’s too much and you really can’t handle it, that’s ok, and it’s not your fault. It is always ok to break up with someone if you don’t see a future with them.

Just like any relationship advice ever, though, the key is communicating. He is not always going to be able to do everything that you think is good for him, nor everything that you might like him to do for you. It’s important he pushes himself to do better for you, but it’s also important he totally understands that it’s completely ok if he needs to set a boundary as to the extent of what he feels capable of achieving on a given day.

Depression is an intensely lonely experience, and most people with depression also struggle with some sort of guilt that they aren’t happier and healthier for the people in their life. I sure did, and do. He needs to understand that you just want to help, that you aren’t upset if he can’t do what you ask, and you need to have the patience to commit to that. It’s important that you tell him if there’s something specific that is really important to you; say if you really value quality time, asking him for regular dates. Sometimes you can end up super stuck in your own brain when you’re depressed, and it can be difficult to sense exactly what people are missing from you.

The long thrust of helping someone through a depression is a couple of things.

• He needs to get therapy.

Bad mental health is a maze of cognitive distortions and confusion. Your brain stops working like normal, and sometimes it even changes structurally. You can’t help him through that alone. He needs an impartial and unattached professional who can help him work through the stuff he’s struggling. He needs someone to vent to with whom he doesn’t need to worry about his relationship with.

• He needs an outlet

This is longer term. But he needs not to rot inside all day, or if he works, he needs something to help him unwind afterwards. I don’t know your boyfriend, but it’s worth talking to him about starting a hobby or activity he enjoys. This can be really anything, but it’s important the idea comes from him.

• If there’s an unnecessary stressor, figure out a way to help him away from it.

You need to talk to him and ask if there’s anything in his life which is making his depression worse. For me, one of these things was my relationship with my parents, who I would eventually cut off. This was extremely difficult and stressful for me, but in the long term, it made me feel a lot better. My depression came from trauma, so removing myself from that trauma was almost certainly the biggest thing that dragged me out of it.

These are just a couple of suggestions. There’s lots of other ways to be of material support to someone with depression, but there is also a frustrating lack of serious and workable advice on how to do so. This is something you can talk to and ask advice from a councillor though, if you feel like you’re really shooting in the dark.

I appreciate you and I wish you and your boyfriend good luck. I hope he can get better. And I’m here if you need to talk.

#mental illness #mental health #depression #anxiety #adhd #autism #nd #neurodivergency #neurodivergent

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swanqueengranger-writes · 3 months

Text

Hey all,

I’ve had some comments and questions recently about No Other Shade of Blue but You and where I’ve been/how I am. I am actively still working on NOSoBbY - this work will never be abandoned. Many of you know I’ve been battling health issues and one in particular has been causing problems. I’ve sat with it for a long while and I am a firm believer that darkness, even personal, dies in the light, so it’s time to just share.

At the end of last year, after going numb on my entire body multiple times and experiencing cognitive issues, I underwent a brain MRI and my doctor was incredibly concerned when it came back abnormal. The scan showed that my brain “looks like that of an 80 year old” according to my doctor. I’m 42, so that’s incredibly alarming. What that meant was the white matter demyelination in my brain was incredibly, alarmingly high. She isn’t aware if it’s a direct result of COVID, MS, or early onset cognitive decline of some kind.

Regardless, it’s there.

I was referred to neurology and scheduled to have an appointment in October of 2024. Exactly one year from the MRI date. I can’t begin to discuss the disgusting, debilitating feeling of knowing something is seriously wrong, my doctor being incredibly worried, but neurology saying, “Sorry, we’re that backed up” because of COVID.

Since then, I have had increasing cognitive issues with losing words and thoughts, as well as difficulty remembering things I’ve just taken part in. It’s scary to say the least, but through it all, I continue to do what I have always done. I now do cognitive workouts of sorts to help, take vitamins, and try to get plenty of sunshine when I can. I’m already working with my energy healer and medicinal plants.

All of this to say that I’m still here - I promise. I’m still trying to write NOSoBbY actively but some days it’s harder than others. Sometimes simply because I am saddened by the fact that this brick wall is seemingly inscalable.

But, through it all, I keep looking for ways around it. I’ve been actively recording scenes on my phone as I think of them, so I can listen to those and write them. I have a good portion of the next chapter finished and I’m excited to see reactions to it, but I’ve got to push off the resistance that my own brain is going through.

I had a lovely conversation with a reader this week and it touched my heart so much that I decided to stop feeling sorry for myself and keep on going. So, today and this weekend I am attempting to finish that chapter.

I will ask that you please bear with me and my writing style as it may have changed a bit. I’m not sure. I actively do go back and reread so I can immerse myself back into the world that I love very much to ensure I catch everything I’ve already planted. I hope you enjoy it and I hope you keep on keeping on through the things in your lives that are trying to stop you.

Know that I’m here for each and every one of you and that your comments, check-ins, and messages mean everything to this determined woman. We all have to be there for each other. That’s something in fandom that I know is irreplaceable and unable to be found in many other places. So, that said, let’s all don our climbing gear together to scale our brick walls. I’ve got you if you need help with yours.

Much ❤️ to all of you,

Swanqueengranger

#no other shade of blue but you #author update #swanqueengranger writes

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kiss-me-muchoo · 2 years

Text

𝐋𝐚𝐭𝐞 𝐧𝐢𝐠𝐡𝐭 𝐭𝐚𝐥𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 || 𝐄𝐝𝐝𝐢𝐞 𝐌𝐮𝐧𝐬𝐨𝐧 𝐱 𝐅𝐞𝐦!𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐝𝐞𝐫

✿ This is connected to Parallelism // continuation of Pumpkin Slayer.

✿ Respective order here: MASTERLIST

Synopsis: Reader (pumpkin) and Eddie have a sleepover, Steve is not okay with the idea:)

Warnings: Reader’s official nickname is pumpkin/ One hint-mention to sex, micro talks of giving birth/ its implied reader is short and speaks Spanish/ “Graphic” talks of body dysmorphia, eating disorders, self harm, anxiety, self love (DO NOT READ THIS if you are uncomfortable with these themes) pre fluff?/ my way of writing can be CRINGE

A/N: They’re really falling in love🥺

_______________________

Why I can’t get 0 on this shit? ugh.

you think in your head, frying your brain trying to finish your math homework in Health class, so you wouldn’t have to do anything for the rest of the week. Beside you is Eddie, pretending to watch the pregnancy documentary that was on the school projector.

“Holy shit, pumpkin, look at that!” you stop working to see in his direction, then to the projector. You’re disgusted when a graphic childbirth scene was being shown, some classmates let groans and ew sounds. There’s nothing weird about seeing a poor baby trying to get out of her mother's genitals, but all the blood and fluids are… compromising.

“More than disgusted, I’m terrified” you express to your friend. It was weird, December was starting and Eddie Munson was your new best friend. Not that you changed Steve or anything, but you knew he had good company with Robin, you liked to joke with her about her stealing your boy. Eddie turned into your other half since Nancy was so busy with the school newspaper, you didn’t have any class with your freshman buddies, and Max was like a ghost.

“Of all the blood and gore?” he asked smiling at you. You shake your head, denying.

“No, Eddie. Of a watermelon head fetus ripping a vagina” some guys looked at you weirdly. But Eddie was laughing so hard.

“I’ll be terrified too. But I don’t have to worry about that” crossing his arms, he turned to see your homework.

“Not in this life…” you stated. Your friend looked at you, processing your words, then he smiled again.

“You’re mean, pumpkin” you liked that he called you like that. Some students thought you were dating Eddie.

Fact that none of you knew yet.

“I’m open to possibilities. You know?” he was looking at you, he was scanning every detail of your face. Eddie was right, he was in love with you.

“That’s the homework? You’re gonna help me right?” this time you laughed a little harder.

“That depends, you gonna drive me home tomorrow?” Fridays were longer days for you two, Eddie had Hellfire Club meetings and you had dance classes. Around 5:00 pm you would be at home.

“Sure, sweetheart” Eddie tried to avoid giving you pet names, it was already slightly suspicious that he constantly called you just pumpkin, when everyone called you by your name or in fact, pumpkin slayer.

“What’s that with your hair?… ew, Do you have lice? stay away from me” you point out when he scratched his head for the third time, laughing harder, your teacher gave you a look, a look that indicated you had to shut up.

“What? No!, I-, I have… dandruff” Eddie whispered, you nodded letting an aww sound.

“You have to wash your hair, Eddie,” you say to him, making fun of the situation.

“I do wash my hair…” you look at him with raised eyebrows, and he sighs.

“Okay, maybe not every day. I don’t have a girl night ritual routine like I suppose you do” he had a point, you found the answer to your homework, pleased to know you were free, you turned to see your friend.

“But you would’ve prettier, a princess with shiny curls” you laughed harder. Eddie got blushed, but he pretended to be laughing too.

“You’re an idiot” Eddie said gently pushing you.

“Oh my god!, I have a great idea. Let’s have a sleepover!” Eddie opened his eyes, he wasn’t sure if he heard correctly.

“What?” you nodded happily, closing your notebook and book.

“Yeah, it’ll be fun. We can watch movies, I can enhance your hair, you won’t eat junk food. Oh!, and I’ll see that horror movie you want me to watch” apparently you were excited, and Eddie thought you were kidding. But once he realized you wanted to have a sleepover with him, he felt he was in the clouds, you were very different from every other girl in the 80s.

“Alright, we’ll have a sleepover” he liked to pretend he wasn’t so excited as you. The bell rang and you let a happy squeal.

“Okay, Friday at my place,” you said, grabbing your coat and bag. Eddie thought you looked perfect, this time with some jeans, a tight sweater, and some brown boots that matched the coat. He was going to get a shower, just for you.

“Since when do you like to watch horror movies?” Steve asked curiously.

You paid a visit to him and Robin at their work, plus you were about to rent some movies for your sleepover with Eddie.

“I don’t. I mean, I don’t hate them but it’s not my preference” you state before sipping at your cherry slurpee. Robin looks at you suspiciously, then she does a funny arch with her brow, so you laugh. “What?”

“Didn’t you say that you were going to have a slumber sleepover with Munson?” the fake innocence in Robin’s voice makes you irritated.

“Oh, fuck you. I thought we were friends” you say funnily, she winks at you, but Steve jumps in awe.

“No fucking way, NO!. Now Eddie Munson is your best friend?“ and that was the reason you didn’t want Steve to know, so you sigh.

“Are you being my protective brother or my jealous best friend right now?” a brain freeze hits you, making you caress your forehead.

“I think he’s being both,” Robin says casually, moving some boxes around.

“I’m being your overprotective brother right now… I don’t like you hanging around with that guy, I’ve only heard bad things about him” he says more calmly. You understand, everyone thought Eddie was a bad person, some of them knew he is a drug dealer, others that he was the king and master of the Hellfire Club, and other knew both. But he’s your boy, he’s a D&D nerd, he’s obsessed with metal music and his daily routine might not be the best, but everyone around him had to admit he was being nicer and decent, all because of you.

“I know, I know how everyone perceives him. But I know him, it’s like… you’re my best friend, like a brother. But with him, he’s my best friend like a soulmate, I don’t know…” you quickly say giving another sip to your drink.

“Girl, Do you like him more than a friend? You sounded like that…” Robin questioned, stopping her job.

“NO!. God no, no, no. Eddie’s not my type. Nop…” Deep down you knew maybe you were starting to like your friend more than you should, but you didn’t even realize it yet.

“All right, then there are no sexual motives to worry about, you can have your sleepover with Munson, pumpkin” Steve looks outraged at Robin.

“ROBIN! So now you’re on her side?” the girl laughed, shaking her head. You get a little nervous at your friend's supposition, and it made you thought if people in school or town believed you were fucking Eddie. That would be very fucked up, cause you were a virgin, and Eddie’s too.

“See? Thanks, now I will stop saying you are a Steve’s stealer” Robin accepts the cash you give for the movies and she smiles mischievously, while Steve grunts in disbelief.

“Well, I don’t trust him, but I trust you. And I know you’re gonna call me if anything happens, Right?” he asks, watching you curiously, eagerly waiting for you to answer.

“Of course, that’s why you’re my big brother. Love you, bye Robin!” you say goodbye as you walk away and head out of the store.

You light up some candles as you sing along to El Ataque de las chicas cocodrilo from Hombres G, you were loving their new album, so it was cool to have a radio station that played songs in Spanish at a long distance and worked in Hawkins.

“Dude, I look ridiculous” you turned to see Eddie opening the door of the bathroom, with a towel on his hair and a face mask. You weren’t surprised to see that his pajamas were some old band shirt and the most wrinkled plaid pants. He took a shower while you finished your skincare and finished cooking some banana bread to dine.

“You look so cute” laughing, you got closer to see his face covered in the white cream.

“How long do I have to leave this shit?” Eddie entered your room, going straight to the mirror on your vanity to look at his face.

“Fifteen minutes” giggling you got beside him, looking at him through the mirror. He noticed you were very short compared to him. And without any makeup, you looked like you were fifteen, for sure he considered you the cutest person in the world.

“Jesus… Can we start playing the movie?” he asked seeing you now, you nodded. Going to your living room, you turned on the tv and then went to the kitchen, with Eddie following you behind.

“We’re eating potatoes with cream and vegetables. And look!, I made banana bread” the excitement in your voice makes him happy, and he helps you take the dessert to cool off.

“Dustin and Mike said you were the best chef in town, guess they were right…” you don’t know if you’re visibly blushing, but you feel hot in your face.

“Those boys always forced me to cook the biggest meals in history” Eddie can imagine the boys asking for the hardest dishes to prepare, he smiles and grabs some forks to eat.

—

The movie finished a couple of hours ago, your aunt wasn’t coming back until Monday, and Poltergeist scared you a little, so having Eddie with you was a bigger help. Eddie was on your bed, watching you dancing around, your player was still on, and this time Cascades from Siouxie and the Banshees was playing a little loud.

“I love this band so much!” you say, landing in your bed. With your arms open, your hand brushing Eddie’s leg.

“Probably it’s the only band I can tolerate from you” the weed in your system made you laugh and playfully punch Eddie’s leg.

“That’s new, you hate all the music I like. Thanks, Eddie. I appreciate it…” the boy knows you’re a little high, he’s not that high, but he feels relaxed.

“What? It’s not my fault you’re not very metal” Eddie says, scanning your room. There are a lot of white Christmas lights, you have tons of books and girly perfumes, the colors hot pink and orange invade the walls and some of the furniture, and the glitter and sparkles around make everything look so interesting. He decides to say you have a psychedelic room, and he loves it. “I like your room, it’s so; interesting”

“I‘ve never been the interesting girl,” you say covering your face.

“For me, you’re very interesting,” he says, giving you a big smile. You look at him when you open two of the fingers covering your face.

“You know why I left Hawkins last year?” when Eddie doesn’t answer, you continue. It was a good time to tell him, you were okay enough to share that part of you now. “There was this guy named Tim, he was this cute shy boy, and I was the chubby girl, we were some nerds. He said very beautiful things about me, I thought he was the one…”

“He wasn’t.” there’s a coldness in your voice, but you sound very normal about it. “He came to homecoming with this blonde perfect girl who used to do adult movies, and he said to his friends I was not that hot. It was a bit humiliating” Eddie wasn’t expecting that, he never thought you would have a story like that with the drama and being bullied. “Maybe it wasn’t the big deal, but it awakened something in me. I was a sophomore, we used to be pretty stupid at that age”

“It might sound ridiculous, but I was going mad. To the point I… I cut my stomach with some seamstress scissors” Eddie doesn’t make a sound but his eyes go wide, that surprised him. When he looked at you, nothing in his head could associate you with eating disorders and weight trauma. You looked fine, you were perfect for him, a natural perfect human. “It became something… mental, a mental issue that made me feel anxious to fit in everything; school, friends, clothing. No body knew what was going on with me”

“My parents decided to take me back to California after the emergency surgery, later on, with some therapy and doctor appointments I did the right thing. And here I am, happily living. But I don’t think I’m the interesting girl, I’m just the normal girl., a very cool normal girl” finally, you let him know your biggest insecurity, the attention, and compliments people gave you and how much it scared you being in that position again. “You might think I’m crazy or stupid for this, but, it’s not the same anymore, I’m okay. I like myself now, I just wanted to tell you, Eddie”

Not that it affects you the same amount as it used to do, but it is still uncomfortable to feel like people like you when all they could do is belittle you behind your back. You sit and look straight at him.

“That’s bullshit!” he nearly screams, looking vaguely at your ceiling “People are stupid, not you. Even me, but believe me, you’re not stupid, or crazy.”

“Whoever has made you feel like that are assholes. Because you are the coolest girl I’ve ever met, you’re so cool that you decided to know a freak like me. Everything about you is fine, pumpkin, believe it or not.” the ways Eddie says it, makes you go to throw yourself at him and hug him. You hide your face on his chest while your arms wrap around his neck.

“Never let me go, Eddie. You’re so special to me, you’re so fine” he doesn’t know very well how to react, he wasn’t used to sharing affection, but with you, it was different. He realized that he loved you, it was real love. He never cared so much for anyone, his parents weren’t the most present in his life, and his uncle was good to him, but he knew he had disappointed him so much. Now, he had you, a gorgeous smart, and good girl who cared for and trusted him. Even you were the reason why he was starting to care for his freshman friends.

“You condemned yourself when you sat with me on the first day of classes,” he said, accepting your hug, and gently wrapping your waist. He felt so good, cozy, and warm with you, in the lights of your room, with the soft music playing.

“I’m the best friend of the coolest freak in Hawkins” after turning off every light. You go back to bed with him, and both of you cuddle together. At that moment, you completely fell in love with Eddie Munson, and he pressed you against his chest, you knew this had to be your boy. Not right there, but maybe after graduation, you could go somewhere together.

“Who thought my best friend would be a psychedelic girl” you laugh, feeling sober again, and you know it’s real, everything you are feeling for him it’s real, and you hope he reciprocates your feelings in the future.

“I’m not!, but I like the word. P-S-Y-C-H-E-D-E-L-I-C” Eddie sighs without letting you go. It’s fun, being in the darkness saying stupid things.

“Hey, Christmas is coming, you should go with me to California. My parents would love you, they were just like you in their teen days” this time, he laughs, but he goes pink just about thinking it. Meeting your parents, traveling with you, he was starting to question if you liked him just the way he liked you.

“I’ll think about it, remember I lost my ID” that was true, you even left a little note on his trailer to get an appointment to get a new one, of course, he forgot.

“Even if you don’t go with me, you still need to get a new ID, Mr.Munson” you feel nod behind you.

“Yes, mom” some minutes of silence, and it’s nice, to have his company. Eddie comforted you after telling him your biggest secret, you were happy, and you couldn’t wait to tell Nancy about it, she would kill you for falling in love with Eddie Munson, but he was everything to you.

He was everything to you.

_______________________

Can someone give me a brief summary of the chronology of volume 1?, I don’t remember!

(Yes, I think Tim that hurt reader is also THAT Tim who’s also known as fence/ fencing guy jijiji)

#eddie munson x reader #eddie munson #stranger things #estado: tlaxcala #joseph quinn

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elamimax · 1 year

Text

I wrote a short story set in a specific universe. For context:

Humanity has been conquered by a largely benevolent precursor species that took one look at the galaxy and went “alright, you kids can’t take care of yourselves. You’re getting drugs and therapy,” and subsequently set out to put everyone’s toys on the top shelf until they could be trusted to play nice. They’re called the Affini. It’s generally a kink setting that includes a lot of petplay, consent play, and similar triggers that are associated with a setting named after a first entry called “the Human Domestication Guide.”

None of that is all that relevant to this, though. None of those triggers, other than forced therapy and healthcare. I’m using the setting as a way to explore what “curing” my mental health issues might do for me or to me. If someone “fixed” me, where would that leave me? For that reason, expect a bit of internalised ableism, or at least explorations thereof. Idk. I have thoughts farting around in my brain and I’m making it everyone else’s problem.

———————————

“Sometimes I mourn her. The artist I almost was. Or used to be, I guess.”

“What do you mean?”

“I used to be an artist. Not just a writer but an author. I wrote a bestseller, back when that still meant something.”

“Oh?”

“I was… fifteen? Something like that. I wrote about pain and sadness but with more eloquence and gravitas than most people my age did. It was a chart-topper for a bit and it meant that for a decade, people paid attention to what I wrote, which meant I could write more and, maybe more importantly to me at the time, it meant I could live off of it.”

“But then the Affini arrived.”

“Then the Affini arrived. Exactly. Money became meaningless, so ‘bestsellers’ stopped existing altogether. Can’t have a bestseller if you’re not selling them. But it was more than that. God, it’s what, fifty, sixty years ago now? Jesus, I’m old. Anyway. For a few decades I actually just kept writing. Didn’t have to worry about food or anything anymore, so I just wrote for the hell of it. I think those might be some of the best years of my life.”

“What changed?”

“I did. Or rather, I didn’t. And that was a problem. I have… a chemical imbalance. Or I had, I guess. It makes regulating emotions almost impossible. Every feeling is the most feeling I have ever felt in my life. It used to be. I wasn’t scared, I was existentially terrified; I wasn’t happy, I was ecstatic; I wasn’t sad, I was distraught, etcetera. And that wasn’t going to last.”

“Why not?”

“Do you know how hard that is? When I fell in love, I abandoned everything for that person. Family, home, whatever. I have cheated so many times because whoever I loved, I loved more than anyone I had ever loved before. And I’m not even going to entertain the notion of justifying that. Anyway, it meant that I’d broken my life to pieces a dozen times over. But the Affini were actually remarkably willing to let me do my thing. The town I was from had surrendered peacefully, and I had too. I had no issues with our leafy overlords.”

“But they took issue with your lifestyle.”

“You could say that. When you have a brain like mine, sometimes you need it to shut the fuck up. It all gets too much. Pills. Alcohol. Weed. Whatever you can get your hands on. Except the Affini only allow you to go so far. You can’t hurt yourself, you see. So the first time I got so drunk I was ready to pass out in the street, they were on me in less than a minute, I think. Flushed the alcohol from my system. They were very worried. Two more times and I was put under permanent supervision. An Affini had taken me under her wing to make sure I didn’t ‘seek more self-destructive behavior’. That’s when they did a proper scan and found the imbalance.”

“Did that fix it?”

“Yeah, it did. I wasn’t scared or angry or sad all the time anymore. It was great. Right up until I tried to write anything.”

“It didn’t work anymore?”

“It didn’t work anymore. Oh, I wrote a few more books — writing is a craft as much as it is an art form. Words are just words — but I didn’t have the power to move people anymore. You know, I think that… When we read a story, we expect things to be slightly larger than life. A monster has to be the scariest monster ever put to paper because otherwise we can’t imagine it. The page dilutes the emotion so you have to lay it on thick.”

“And you were good at that.”

“I was really fucking good at that. I wrote a love story so heartbreaking people sent me death threats. Best thing I ever put to paper. Anyway. When that imbalance was fixed, I couldn’t write about that anymore. I felt things so strongly that, when I put them to paper, they resonated with people. But after that, all I could write was rote fluff.”

“So you couldn’t write grand works anymore?”

“It’s not even that. Like… I had no reason to write anymore.”

“Why not?”

“Why do we write? Why do we tell stories? Sure, you can say something about mythology and passing on knowledge and all of that, but there’s more to it than that, right? Anyway, when the monetary incentive disappeared, I kept writing. I never did it for the money, and anyone who says that all fame is awful is fucking lying to you. But that’s not why I did it. I wrote because if I didn’t, my head would fucking explode. My head was full and projectile vomiting the stories and emotions in my head onto the page was how I dealt with that. When the feelings became ‘normal’, the well of word vomit dried up.”

“So what did you do?”

“What any self-respecting artist whose entire identity revolves around suffering would do: I tried to kill myself.”

“Which failed.”

“Obviously. More xenodrugs. More therapy. God, so much therapy. And it was good and necessary, don’t get me wrong. Being alive is a lot better than being dead. I learned to value my life, that there is more to life than achievement and creating Good Art or whatever that means. You can have a meaningful life just being happy.”

“But you’re not?”

“No, I am. I’m more consistently happy now than I’ve ever been before in my life. But even the happiest person in the world will mourn the loss of a loved one, and I think I do still love the person I used to be. I mourn her, anyway. She could have written something great.”

“And you can’t?”

“Not really, no. Even if I could write with the memory of how I used to feel things, I kind of can’t. I wrote because I had to. When I hadn’t written in a while my hands itched and my eyes burned. The whole world was… have you ever seen the air above a hot stove? Like that. Without that drive… what’s the point?”

“For others to read the story, no?”

“You don’t understand. We live under the yoke of a civilization so grandiose and successful it spans entire galaxies. There are trillions of sapient beings that coexist under the Compact. What story could I possibly tell that has not already been told better?”

“Wasn’t that true before, too?”

“Sure, but back then I didn’t care! I have no story I have to tell, no way to tell it if I did, and no reason to tell any at all. Sometimes I do resent them for that.”

“The Affini?”

“Yes. It’s why I tried to end it. They took away what had felt like my purpose, because it was self-destructive. I am happier now and that, I think, counts as a win for them. I have no desire to end my life, which is mostly fulfilling and content. That I resent them for not letting me choose to be miserable is almost part of their entire ethos: that us humans, if given the choice, will choose to be miserable so often that we can’t be trusted with the choice to begin with.”

“Do you think that’s true?”

“I do. But I wonder sometimes if it matters. I wonder sometimes how many great works of art the universe has lost to the Affini. I understand that they desire to reduce pain. To reduce harm. To make the universe a happier, healthier place. But I wonder. How ethical is it really to take away the pain from someone who isn’t done with it yet? What if my unhappiness was something I needed to feel complete, whatever the fuck that means?”

“Did you try telling them that?”

“I did. I was put into more therapy. More drugs, until I figured it out and they were absolutely sure I wasn’t going to have another go at my wrists again. I took up baking. It’s very satisfying. I made a baguette the other day. It was pretty good.”

“You’re not satisfied.”

“I think you’re misunderstanding me. I am satisfied. There is nothing that I could want for that I don’t have access to. Food. Adventure. Fiction. Love. Sex. Art. Hobbies. Attention. If I could choose now, I don’t think I’d go back. But if past me were to meet current me, I think she’d try to kill me and then herself for how hollow she would think my existence. I don’t have a use for ambition and drive anymore, but she did. I think she’d be very upset at how comfortable I’ve gotten not doing much of anything.”

“But she was unhappy.”

“Deeply. Sometimes. She was also very happy sometimes. She wasn’t a monolith. She was just very extreme. When file the tip off of a pencil, they become a lot more difficult to properly write with.”

“You feel like a filed down pencil.”

“Yes. But at least I won’t hurt others or myself anymore. I’m happy. Comfortable. I just wonder. And I mourn. The universe is happier with the Affini in it, but I can’t help but wonder if it isn’t less beautiful for it.”

“You’d rather people be in pain?”

“That’s an unpleasant way of looking at it.”

“You make it sound like hurting someone is good because it could make them a better artist.”

“I’m saying that the universe wasn’t a happy place before the Affini were in it, and now that they are, it’s like everything is different. A sunrise feels so much better after a cold night. Food tastes better when you’ve been hungry. Soft beds feel better after a long, hard day. I’m not saying every day should be hard or that every night should be cold or that people should go hungry. Just that warm and soft and full used to mean something and I feel like they don’t. Not anymore. Not really.”

“Adversity breeds… happiness?”

“We appreciate the good more if we have the bad for contrast. We’ve raised the baseline and cut off the deviations. I worry sometimes that that’s what the Affini are too busy doing. Equalizing a sine wave. Was I disabled? Most definitely. I was fucking broken, much as my therapist hates that word. I was a shell of a person when they brought me in. But not every broken thing needs to be fixed, and I don’t think all of them understand that.”

“So what would you do if you could go back?”

“I’d write something, I think.”

“And if you couldn’t go back, but you got it back? Your muse?”

“There was no muse.”

“You know what I mean.”

“What would I do if I had my pain back?”

“Yes.”

“I think I’d still write. I think I’d fall back into old self-harming patterns and keep it a secret. Try to be better about hiding from them.”

“What if you didn’t have to hide?”

“If you’re broken? Around Affini? You hide or you get fixed. You don’t really get a say in it. Affini hate broken things. Or maybe they love broken things because they can fix them. I feel like I used to be able to read them, but I can’t anymore. Like I’m too healthy to understand them, nowadays. I don’t know why they do what they do, but they do it. Protect you from yourself, at all costs. Yeah, hiding would be the only option. The only real option, anyway. I’d hide.”

“But what if you didn’t? How would you feel?”

“That sounds self-destructive. That sounds like I’d be dead of alcohol poisoning, drug use, suicide or one of a million other things in a few years.”

“You’re evading the question. That’s not how you feel.”

“I think… I think I’d be angry. Vindictive. I think I’d want to hurt one of them.”

“Why?”

“Because they never asked that question.”

#mental disorder #mental health #mental illness #art #writing #my art #mentally ill #human domestication guide #hdg

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