#and know that i enjoyed writing and capturing footage of every second of this
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Phantom
Author: xxwritemeastoryxx
Pairings: Bucky Barnes x Fem!reader
Word Count: 4k
Warnings: Nothing that's not Canon. But just in case, mentions of torture
Author’s Note: Its a day early but I dont care. A little bit more of torture. But I keep writing and adding more. 😅 I promise action and more next chapter. Characters might be a little out of character (Tony mostly) because I was having issues writing. My muse has been a fickle bitch lately. As a reminder, please be sure to follow @xxwritemeastoryxxlibrary and turn on notifications so you never miss a fic!
I do not and will not ever give permission for my fics to be copied and posted on other sites. Don’t do it. Don’t be that person that ruins it for me and everyone else.
Feedback gives me life and motivation for future things. While likes are appreciated, reblogs are gold. Seriously, if you enjoyed this in the slightest, please reblog ♥
Phantom Masterlist || MCU Masterlist || Taglist
Every detail about her time as Phantom was sitting in his hand. Her trigger words, the torment and conditioning she had been subjected to, along with notes from her handlers about her missions would be within the pages of the journal. The one thing that kept her from ever falling into the wrong hands without a fight and he now had it.
She trusted him with the very detailed past she tried so hard to keep hidden from him. Trusted him with the very thing that could be used against her time and time again if allowed. He had it in his hand and he wanted nothing more than to watch it burn.
"FRIDAY, pull up any footage that may have caught a glimpse of Y/N."
Tony’s voice had caused Bucky to put everything back into its place before almost slamming the top back onto the box earning looks from the others. He simply shrugged his shoulders before bringing the box to his side. The vibranium keeping the box in a tight hold.
Unfortunately the only footage found was time stamped two days before her capture. A projected video came up from Tony’s watch. A tourist couple had been recording the vendors area.
Bucky had moved closer to look at the video footage as it began to play. They could hear the loud environment as the video began to pan over the vendors. People were chatting away and you could hear some laughter in the background.
Different vendors panned within seconds before a particular stand came into view. While the person behind the camera had been focused only on the goods each vendor had, they had unknowingly caught Y/N on camera.
Bucky watched as she spoke with a vendor. Watched as she would occasionally take in her surroundings, keeping watch of what could be lurking. A moment later the vendor pointed to something up and off screen. Y/N nodded her head a moment later before handing over cash. It wasn't long after that the person filming had moved past that particular stand and filmed the next vendor.
"This is how they found her. " Natasha noted.
"Why didn't we get notified about this clip?" Bucky asked.
With the recent missions, the data changed the sequence of importance in regards to Y/N. FRIDAY began. It earned a glare from Bucky. The more the team has cleaned up Hydra, the less information there is on her. Facial recognition scans have not been successful until now.
"Why don't we take this back to the quinjet?" Natasha offered. She could see the look of frustration and anger growing on Bucky. Her head nodded towards the shop owner who was leaning on the countertop listening with curiosity.
Bucky shook his head slightly before he turned and walked out of the shop. The sound of the door swinging open and slamming shut had caused the bells to rattle loudly causing the shop owner to flinch as it did.
"You know how this argument is going to happen, right?" Natasha asked as she watched Bucky through the window.
A long sigh came from Tony. "Yeah. If she was anyone else, she shouldn't have dropped lower on the priority list. I dropped the ball."
Bucky’s pace back to the quinjet had been quick. Each step he had taken seemed to cause the people around him to open a path for him to pass. He was sure that his stance was probably intimidating but at the moment he was trying to calm the internal storm that was brewing. And endless cycle of questions playing through his head.
How could she drop on the priority list?
How could FRIDAY not alert there was a video of her?
Would she be in Hydra’s hold now if I had known sooner?
Would I have made it in time to prevent it?
He didn't even notice the others coming towards him after looking through the apartments. He hadn't heard when Steve yelled out his name to get his attention several times. Nor did he notice the medium size box that Wanda held in her arms.
_____
The lies have finally caught up to me. I thought I burned and buried it deep enough. The hurt on Bucky’s face was proof that it hadn't been deep enough. I deserved every reaction he gave tonight before giving me the slightest moment of having a real birthday. I didn't deserve his kindness. If I'm being honest I should be locked away in a cell somewhere. Not currently sitting under an overpass for the night.
I can't stop seeing the look on his face and it kills me. I hurt him and I betrayed him in a way that there's no going back from.
Bucky knew he needed a moment to cool off. That up until recently everyone believed that Y/N was keeping to herself and doing a damn good job of it. He wanted to be angry. He wanted to argue with Stark about it all. But in reality, the blame game wouldn't do any of them any good.
Once he was on the quinjet alone, he found himself pulling out her journal and flipping through the pages. Part of him yelled that he shouldn't go through it. But the other part had wanted to believe there was something in there she'd leave for him to find.
His attention caught her birthday entry. As much as he tried to forget how things happened that night, they've haunted him since. Reading that entry however, hadn't brought him any kind of comfort.
I hope that one day he can forgive me. But I know there's a chance he never will. Life sure does have a way of coming back around and biting you in the ass. I should have done things differently. I should have… It's pointless to think about all the things I could have done. I've made my bed. The least I can do is lie uncomfortably in it.
"Bucky?" Wanda's voice was soft, pulling his attention from the journal. When Bucky looked up, he found Wanda standing there with a box in her arms. She had a small sympathetic smile on her face. "We found the apartment she used."
Quickly closing the journal, he set it on top of the box beside him before standing. "Anything?"
"Nothing that would help us to figure out where they might have gone." She said with a slight tilt of her head. "But I've found things she left behind. I thought you would want to go through them instead of leaving them there."
As she held the box out, Bucky gently took it from her. "Thank you for grabbing it." He turned and placed the box next to the other.
Wanda watched as he had done so. "Can I tell you something?" She asked a moment later.
Bucky’s eyebrow raised slightly as he turned to face her, but he nodded. "Sure."
"It isn't my intention to make you feel guilt or fear in any way with what I'm about to say." She watched as Bucky almost steeled himself for the inevitable. "While I have never attempted to see into your mind for respect for your privacy, there was a time I saw into hers for a moment. She did not fear many things. Not with the history she had. But she feared for you." She watched as Bucky’s face fell. "I did not understand why until recently." She paused for a moment as she heard the others begin to board the quinjet. "Her greatest fear was losing you by her own doing. I do not know if that fear was centered around what has already happened or if it was rooted deeper than keeping her past from you."
Bucky could only nod his head as he tried to process the information she had given him. He could now understand why that had been her fear. He understood the possibility of what she could possibly do in the process. Not only to him, but to others and the emotional torment that came with it.
"Did you know?" He asked curiously. If Wanda had seen into her mind, she must have seen something that gave Y/N away.
"Not until her party." Wanda responded. "Probably after you had learned the truth. Her mind had been completely open after you returned to the party." She sighed softly. "She was saying goodbye while we sang to her."
Flashes of memories played through his mind at her words. The fake smile that was plastered on his face as anger and betrayal laid just beneath it. The way Y/N had a smile on her face as their friends had begun to sing to her.
But he had missed the shift in her eyes that had been clear to Wanda. He had missed the moment Y/N had said her goodbyes through facial expressions. He had been too busy being angry with her.
Tony cleared his throat getting their attention. The others had been standing off not too far. When Bucky looked towards him, Tony had been rubbing the back of his neck.
"I adjusted protocols with FRIDAY. Y/N has been prioritized as unchanging number one." He began. "I've also adjusted it so that any and all new information comes directly to you to ensure nothing is missed. If I had known she had fallen on the priority list, I would have fixed it immediately. We all want her back and she would have been back sooner if-”
Incoming call from Colonel Rhodes. High priority for the team.
Tony shook his head and mumbled about interrupting him before instructing the AI to put him on speaker. “For someone who was such in rush to leave us earlier, this call sounds like you miss us.” He shrugged slightly. “Or checking in like some overprotective parent.”
"Ha ha, very funny. If I hadn't left, we'd all be in the dark about this. I have some information that might be of interest for that trip you're on." His voice came over the speaker.
"Spill." Tony said as he looked over at the others.
"A convoy with heavy duty machinery was ambushed leaving Germany early this morning."
"That doesn't sound like anything of use." Natasha noted.
"It was an inside job." That caused Bucky’s eyebrow to raise as he listened to the call. "It was decided less than 12 hours ago to move the convoy. No one could plan this elaborate of an ambush given that time frame. The information they had, they knew more than they should have."
"Anything on the team?" Steve asked.
"That's the thing that's got a lot of people scratching their heads on all fronts." The group looked at each other as if hearing those words had sparked something within them. "Ten soldiers were assigned. When the files were pulled for investigation only nine were found. Both physical and digital copies disappeared. When asked about the tenth soldier, they could only say that she was hand selected for her skills. Any piece of footage they have has been scrubbed without so much as a glimpse of her. Whoever she is, she's pretty damn good at being invisible."
"Any survivors?" Tony asked.
"Two fatalities. The others are going to make it out alive. The other mystery is why those two and not the others."
Bucky’s heart dropped as he processed the information. Three weeks had been too long for her. In that time they had manipulated her mind into being the asset she once was and tossed her back into the fire.
"They saw her face." He said a moment later. It caused all eyes to turn towards him. He sighed as he looked back at them. "No loose ends. Everything else can't prove she was there. You leave someone alive that knows who you are and the game is over."
"That makes sense." Natasha said with a shrug. "Can't describe someone you didn't see."
"If it was anyone else who said it, I'd be worried." Rhodes responded. "Now I hate to ask, but how sure are we that this wasn't done willingly?"
"She fought her way out before being captured." Bucky added. "None of this was willing. Everything she's left for us shows she wouldn't go down without a fight."
“Did she happen to leave any idea where they'd be heading next?" Rhodes asked.
"I doubt it." Bucky said with a sigh. "I haven't had a chance to go digging through what she left behind."
"That's if she even had a chance to leave anything behind." Sam noted. "By the looks of things she barely had enough time to leave what she did."
"If she did leave any indication, Hydra found it while searching her apartment." Steve added. It caused Bucky’s eyes to shoot over to Steve. "With the way the place was ransacked, they might have found what they were looking for. "
Keep it safe. Keep it hidden.
Bucky had almost mentioned they hadn't found what they were looking for. He had the very thing they were wanting and they couldn't find it. He should have mentioned it. He should have told them about the journal, but he couldn't bring himself to.
He trusted the people currently standing in the room with him and would gladly watch their backs at any given time. He would put his life on the line for a majority of them without a second thought. But the fear of having that journal fall into the wrong hands stopped him from saying anything about it.
"Just means we're gonna have to do a wide search while digging deep." He said instead. "We know they're out there and they're using her. With the proper channels, we should be able to find something to get a lead before she's used for anything more drastic."
"You mean more than killing people?" Rhodes' voice filled the air.
"Given how Hydra used her in the past," Natasha began before Bucky could. "A few deaths are better than her being used to bring down governments in Hydra’s favor. So yeah, let's get her back before we find ourselves either preventing or fighting a war we couldn't prevent.”
____
Six Months Later
The main conference room walls had been covered in papers taped to the walls. Each paper corresponds to a recent event that involved Hydra in some way. Each grouping of papers laid out the details of another ambush at Hydra’s hands. Each one taking either a piece of equipment or technology.
Even with all the information displayed on the walls, the Avengers had no idea what Hydra was attempting to assemble. FRIDAY couldn't pinpoint any variations of possible weapons. Nor could the AI predict where they could possibly hit next.
However, over the last several months they had been able to uncover several new hideaways that Hydra had been using. Each of them had helped to supply information towards the grand scheme of things. But with each thorough sweep, there were never any signs of Y/N.
With every Hydra captive they interrogated, none of them had physically laid eyes on Phantom. They all gave the same answer in different words but none of them could give locations. Phantom was only accessible through her handler.
Her handler that they all refused to give up any details about. The captives either went silent and refused to say anything else, or they purposely gave false information to throw off the Avengers. And when they came up empty handed from those false leads, it was Bucky that paid them a visit.
Bucky practically moved into the conference room. A pillow and blankets found a new home on the couch by the back wall. Only leaving when the missions deemed it necessary.
As he stood by the conference table going over the new files from their recent raid, Bucky’s mind occasionally went back to Y/N's journal. He had read it cover to cover several times and the small passages that surprisingly made him smile had played on a loop when he felt he needed it.
This is a little slice of heaven. I found myself actually enjoying a beach day. Last week, I walked past an antique shop that had a globe sitting in view of the window. I couldn't resist and I found myself spinning it. I was reminded how much we talked about doing something like picking a place on a spinning globe and just going there. It's how I ended up in Italy. It's peace. A calm that I haven't felt in months.
He could easily picture her sitting with her toes in the sand as she watched the waves. How he wished he would have been able to see her that day. But then there were entries that stuck in his mind for other reasons.
Out of all the things I've seen and believed in, you'd think I wouldn't be skeptical about psychics. But here I am sitting in the corner booth of a sketchy bar and this woman said she needed to speak with me. That the thoughts troubling me wouldn't last forever. And then she asked for his name. A name that I haven't physically spoken in over a year. Before I could even muster up a fake name to give her, she knew his name. Knew without me even saying anything. She told me he'd come around. That one day he was going to find me and save me from the internal torment that I'm facing. For a brief moment there was hope that sparked within me that maybe one day it would happen. Maybe one day Bucky will let me apologize a million times over. I hope that he can forgive me. But the reality is, after almost a year later, I don't think he will.
With each entry he read Bucky wondered what would have happened if he hadn't waited so long to go looking for her. Would they be put on a mission together like they used to by now? Or would they be on that vacation he talked about taking with her at one point.
Each page of her writing gave him a reason to kick himself in the ass for waiting so long. But in truth, he hadn't been ready to forgive her. The day he realized how much he missed her, she hadn't been to a safe house for six months. The day he forgave her was the day he started looking in vacant apartments when they completed missions.
And now as he stared at the papers in front of him, he knew that no matter how many what if situations he played in his mind, they wouldn't fix anything. The what ifs weren't going to get her back from Hydra. They weren't going to free her from the hold the black journal held over her.
At first Bucky kept the journal hidden. He didn't dare to open it and read any of the contents the pages held. He hadn't even thought about it until one night his nightmare got the best of him. One where Y/N couldn't be stopped from almost killing her friends.
Bucky searched through the pages for one command and one command only. While he hoped it would never come down to it, he felt a little better knowing he could stop her from doing something she’d never recover from.
A sigh passed his lips at the same time Steve walked into the room.
“That bad?” Steve asked with a chuckle.
Bucky shook his head. “No. I just…” He stopped for a moment as he looked at the file before him. “I thought by now we would have found her.”
“We're not going to stop until we do.” Steve noted as he looked at the current spread of papers on the table. “Anything from Mexico?”
A recent mission to a Hydra base just north of Mexico City provided them with more information than they had gotten in months. Bucky was attempting to sift through it all to see if anything could point them in the next direction.
“Same as the others so far.” Bucky shook his head. “Intel for everything else but for her.”
“The guys below haven't given up her handler either.” Steve added. More captives from the base, none of which wanted to speak about the handler. "Nat is giving it a go."
“Whoever it is, they're staying in the dark. They know the blind spots and use it to their advantage.” It was frustrating to Bucky. Frustrating to the team that a good lead would leave them empty handed.
Bucky picked up a CCTV still from the file he had been going through. The stills were deemed priority by FRIDAY for one reason or another. And as Bucky scanned the image attempting to find the reason, his eye caught the top corner of it.
“What is it?” Steve asked as he caught the way Bucky’s brows began to furrow as he looked at the image.
“FRIDAY?” Bucky called out to the AI. “Do we have the full clip from camera 5 that was flagged?” A moment later a projected image appeared from the middle of the table.
Playing now.
Both Bucky and Steve watched the clip. The camera angle had captured a side room and a hallway. A hallway that Bucky had recognized as he walked through it during the mission. The room in view was empty when he walked into it.
But as the camera panned the area, equipment could be seen in the room. The sight of it caused his heart to pick up in pace as flashes of memories played in front of him. His fist clenched around the photo in his hand as he tried to push the memories away. He shook his head slightly as he watched soldiers begin making their way down the hallway.
Several of them were struggling as they walked. Some were knocked down before quickly getting back up. A moment later, Y/N came into view, attempting to fight her way out of their hold. In view of the camera they watched as she threw punches and kicks. At one point she got a few of them off of her before a soldier came and tased her, sending her to the ground.
Steve's eyes shot to Bucky. He knew what was about to happen given what he was watching. Bucky’s eyes had been fixed on the projection. Steve could see the anger growing within his body language as well as tears well up in his eyes.
“FRIDAY turn-”
“No.” Bucky said never taking his eyes off the video.
It made Steve glad there was no audio attached to this clip. That there was no way for Bucky to hear the torment he was watching on the screen. He wouldn't be able to hear the way she started screaming the moment she was strapped in.
“Buck,” Steve said the moment he watched a tear fall on Bucky’s cheek. He tried to get his attention away from the screen.
“If her handler is in this video, I have to-”
“FRIDAY, run facial recognition through the whole clip and shut this off.” It was Tony's voice that filled the air. Bucky turned towards him the moment FRIDAY shut off the video, shaking his head and ready to protest. “Natasha can be quite persuasive in her interrogations." He walked further into the room. "We were able to piece together what they're trying to make. And in the process, we learned what two things they'll be going for next and where they'll more than likely be hit.”
“Where?” Bucky asked. The anger he felt didn't evaporate entirely. If anything it was fueling the need to get things rolling. He knew she was going to be the main player and that was his chance to get her back.
Tony sighed as he looked over at Steve for a moment before looking back at Bucky. “That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about. Y/N won't be at either of them.”
“Why wouldn't she be?” Bucky asked with a raised brow.
“Unless this is another false lead, which doesn't seem likely, given how Natasha obtained the information, but "Phantom" has a new mission she's been tasked with.” When Bucky crossed his arms over his chest, Tony continued. “It's us.”
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Took me a while, but I've finally finished writing my thoughts on all 22 Touhou games I've played!!!
I tried to keep it brief but uhhhhhhh it ended up being insanely long anyways ;; Whoops. Maybe someday I'll be able to make full-on video reviews for each of them, there was a Lot I glazed over and a lot that's hard to describe without footage.
But regardless, here it is, my thoughts on Touhou 1-19, plus 9.5, 12.5, and 18.5! (Warning that this may be incomprehensible to a non-bullet hell player 😅)
[TOUHOU 1: HIGHLY RESPONSIVE TO PRAYERS]
The obvious black sheep of the family, HRtP isn't a bullet hell shooter, it's an arkanoid-style breakout game. But even so, I LOVE it. HRtP is very precious to me. It's definitely Hard, VERY hard, and the stage layouts can be a little unfair in places lol, but the controls are tight and responsive, and it's incredibly satisfying to improve.
Or even just to play purely for fun! For a decade, I honestly didn't expect to ever 1cc it, I just enjoyed playing casually, and HRtP is very friendly to that approach, with infinite continues, the ability to max out your starting lives, and a shorter time to complete than the other games. It's almost 30 years old now, but if you like breakout style games or old arcade, I still think it's worth a try! Maybe someone else out there will come to love it as much as I do
[TOUHOU 2: STORY OF EASTERN WONDERLAND]
Touhou's first proper shmup/bullet hell, and it is unquestionably the roughest in the series ;; That's not to say it's bad, just that it's aged a little poorly.
I try not to hold future QoL stuff against the older games, but man, not having a focus option, or health bars for the bosses, is Painful. This game also has some of the worst visibility issues in the series (like, bullets being the same color as the background, with no outline), and also an awful glitch that hurts gameplay (dying SHIFTS YOUR HITBOX. considering that knowing where your hitbox is is VITAL to survival……. yikes), so yeah, I understand why it's not fondly remembered.
But it has its charms!! There's the infamous (gay) conversation in Stage 2, this is the only game in which Genji (Reimu's pet turtle who helps her fly in the PC-98 games) speaks, I think the low cap on lives+easy score 1-ups is an interesting combo, AND this game introduced Marisa!!! Even if her design is very different now
I don't play this one much. If I were to rank all the games this one would probably be second lowest. But it's an okay time and you can still get some tense battles!!
[TOUHOU 3: PHANTASMAGORIA OF DIMENSIONAL DREAM]
The first VS shooter of the series!
Basically the idea is that you clear waves of enemies to both send bullets/attacks at your enemy, and charge your gauge to send even more powerful attacks, or even a boss. First to lose all their health loses the round.
The VS shooters are very chaotic, and the enemy AI can absolutely be unfair ;; But the high energy back-and-forth of a match is extremely thrilling!! I also really adore the final boss of this game, Yumemi Okazaki……. a human college professor from the real world, who came to Gensokyo to try and capture someone to prove magic is real to her school…… and she fights with, science? I find her super charming and fun, one of my favorite final boss characters
Now that I've played other VS shooters, including the game that apparently inspired this one, I can say that PoDD is very rudimentary. But sometimes you don't need a lot of fancy bells and whistles to have fun! Now if only it didn't require button mashing, I would play it more often……..
[TOUHOU 4: LOTUS LAND STORY]
LLS was my favorite Touhou game for a long, long, long time.
A big reason it was a favorite is because it's one of the most beginner friendly games by far. No cap on lives (plus 1-ups are granted by score, one of the easier systems), a free bomb after every stage, you can increase your starting lives significantly, there's a "slowmode" option to help you train, most of the patterns are either exploitable or designed around having no visible hitbox…… etc. It was first game I beat on Hard, way back when I was a teenager and could normally only play Easy mode. That's still a precious memory.
LLS also has one of the best overall soundtracks in the entire series. The fun, dream-like Lotus Love, into the tense and foreboding Sleeping Terror, into the calm anticipation of Dream Land, into an explosive heartpounding finale with Faint Dream ~ Inanimate Dream………. absolutely killer.
LLS has aged a little, it doesn't have much of the "flashy", colorful danmaku Touhou is known for. And despite being GENERALLY pretty easy there are a couple insanely difficult patterns that aren't balanced well. Aside from that, it's a little Too easy for me now (at least on Hard and below), but, I still play it regularly just for fun, and will always have a very special place in my heart for it.
(plus, side note, LLS was the introduction of the Stage 4 gimmick, where something is unique about the 4th Stage, boss, or both. I love Stage 4 gimmicks and miss them dearly in the newer games,,)
[TOUHOU 5: MYSTIC SQUARE]
God I love MS. I love MS so much. Probably my second favorite in the series at time of writing.
MS truly is the Greatest Hits of the PC-98 era. Mima and Yuuka come back as playable characters, the danmaku patterns are fun and unique (so much so that ZUN reused a few of them in future games!!!), it has most of the QoL features LLS had besides the free bombs, it introduced one of my favorite characters (Alice), and this is one of the few games where I actually find the faster characters easier/more fun to play as!! Both due to the bullet patterns themselves and because the 1-up system (point item collection) is especially suited for fast characters.
MS is much harder than LLS, but a lot easier than some of the later Touhou games, so it's a great middle ground in terms of difficulty. I only have 2 major critisicms; 1) while the 1-up system and patterns make fast characters more rewarding, there isn't good balance for the other options, so if you wanna play Yuuka you're kind of screwed. And 2) Stage 4. I actually love the Stage 4 gimmick (dual boss that's followed by a solo fight after you take one of them down), but Lord. Stage 4 has two awful glitches that can happen to you, and bullets that are the exact same color as the background. ZUN why
Besides that though, I think MS just naturally caters to my preferred playstyle (chaotically weaving and dancing through bullet spam), so it's a top tier entry for me :)
[TOUHOU 6: EMBODIMENT OF SCARLET DEVIL]
If MS isn't my 2nd favorite in the series, this one is.
I will say this. EoSD has Aged. Imo, it's aged more than MS has. Being ZUN's first Windows game it's a little rough around the edges; muddy graphics, rough soundfonts, heavier reliance on RNG and bullet spam over intricate patterns, and it's missing certain QoL features that it Feels like it should have (like, the PC-98 games were missing stuff, but those games felt like they were built around the limitations, EoSD has a lot of areas where it FEELS like it was designed with future QoL in mind, but it's just….. missing). It also sucks that EoSD is one of only 2 games that locks you out of the final stage if you play on Easy (LLS is the other one),,
But. EoSD is still beloved for a reason. One of the most solid soundtracks in the series, a fun Stage 4 gimmick (different spellcards for different shot types), score-based 1-up system, the introduction of the Point of Collection line, some Iconic boss battles, etc. AND, one of those weaknesses is actually kind of a Strength for me, because again, my preferred play style is well suited to bullet spam!! Stages 5 and 6 are SO fun for me, even though they're commonly cited as things people DISLIKE about EoSD.
EoSD is definitely unpolished, but it's still one of my top favorites, both for its general strengths and for how it caters well to me personally lol.
[TOUHOU 7: PERFECT CHERRY BLOSSOM]
PCB is my current favorite!!
Of all Touhou games, I feel PCB strikes a perfect balance between being accessible, but also still having challenges for those that want it. The patterns are really a step up from EoSD; with the introduction of a visible hitbox, ZUN could make them both more dense and more complex/unique, but they're designed to still be easily understandable. Other QoL features were added that also help a lot (like the enemy tracker, spellcard indicators on the healthbar, success/fail counters, you can save practice mode replays, etc). There's also good variety in the playable characters, each has their own advantages and disadvantages, and one of the best shot types in the entire series is here (SakuyaA lol).
I feel like just saying that doesn't express my love though, there's truly nothing like weaving through a dense maze of beautiful bullets, and PCB is one of THE best for that feeling. I also love this game's 'special feature'; the cherry borders. Not only are they fantastic for survival and training (the border acting as a shield allows you to try new things and take risks where you otherwise wouldn't/couldn't), you can also utilize them in various way; break them on purpose at optimal points to maximize score, keep them as long as possible to milk graze points, use them to clear difficult patterns and stage sections……. it's just a great system that adds depth without overwhelming the player!!
And of course, I must mention something unique to this game; the Phantasm stage! PCB is the only game that has this. It's basically just a 'hard mode' version of the Extra stage, but, the patterns are both exciting to face and gorgeous to look at, the boss herself is genuinely Iconic, and her theme may be even more so.
PCB is pretty much the full package, and is also my recommendation to new players starting out, 100%.
[TOUHOU 8: IMPERISHABLE NIGHT]
This is the last of Touhou's "holy trio", so to speak, alongside EoSD and PCB. There's not much I can point to that's "wrong" with it, or "worse" than the other two, but idk, I don't feel as positively towards IN. I do still really enjoy it though!
There's a lot of great things about IN; the introduction of Spell Practice, there's two different final stages/bosses, the really cool concept for the playable characters/shot-types (character fight in teams, and once you beat both Finals with all teams you can play as each character individually, for a total of 12(!!!) shot-types), the Stage 4 gimmick is a callback to LLS (you fight Reimu or Marisa depending on your character!!), and of course there's some great bullet patterns in there (Keine and Marisa are standouts to me).
There's a LOT of content, more than most Touhou games, which is great!! But there's definitely some aspects that don't feel well polished, which brings it down a bit. The 'special feature' of this game, the Youkai gauge, is not only insanely confusing and complicated, and it's also not fun OR worthwhile to engage with,,, Maybe if I was a hardcore scorer I'd find some value in it, but…… eh. At least it's not obtrusive or anything. Then there's the solo shot-types….. while it's cool they're there, I don't know if ZUN playtested the solo Humans ;; They are very clearly not designed with solo play in mind and if you like to clear ALL shot-types like I do, this can make it an arduous experience to get through all 12
I think it's mostly these things, plus me feeling kind of neutral on the soundtrack and cast, that make IN not stand out, despite all the content. Still a great game, I play it a lot, just not as often as some other entries.
[TOUHOU 9: PHANTASMAGORIA OF FLOWER VIEW]
The 2nd VS shooter in the series!
Mostly the same exciting, chaotic gameplay as the first one PoDD, though with a few key difference. You can now use Focus, which also ties into a new mechanic, the 'scope', which allows you to freeze falling spirits (helps with setting up combos and crowd control) when they touch it. And, using your spell/special attack gauge causes a 'wave' to ripple out and clear bullets around you. I think overall these are excellent addition and that add fun strategy to gameplay.
However, I'm not great at keeping track of combos or purposefully placing spirits during the constant barrage of bullets,,, And some of the character's scopes are……. not fun to utilize. There's also the same problem I had with PoDD, how rapidly pressing the shoot button hurts my hand over time, and while PoFV actually has an alternate control scheme, that alternative FORCES you into focus mode as you shoot. I want to be able to not think super hard about when and where I shoot, so I can focus on dodging, but this just makes the problem Worse because it hampers my movement ;;
I do like the bullet clearing wave though! Plus, this game introduced one of my favorite characters, Aya, AND brought back Yuuka from the PC-98 era!! It's not a bad game and I've had fun with it. I'm just not crazy about the Touhou VS shooters overall. If I wanna play a VS shooter I'd rather pick something like Twinkle Star Sprites.
[TOUHOU 9.5: SHOOT THE BULLET]
This is the first of the 'photo' games, and I have a soft spot for this one. It can be extremely rewarding to clear a difficult scene, and the whole photography thing is a SUPER interesting take on bullet hell. The one thing that sucks is that there's little incentive to go back to scenes once you've managed to clear them. But I guess that's not the point, it's to slowly conquer the challenges each level throws at you and clear as many as you can.
Very solid game, something you can chip away at over time, if you like bullet hell and like interesting challenges give it a try!!
[TOUHOU 10: MOUTAIN OF FAITH]
MoF is the start of a new era. It's pretty stripped back in terms of gameplay because ZUN wanted to focus on making a basic, polished shmup, and he certainly achieved that. The new engine feel smooth as butter, the graphics and sound are crisp, and the bullet patterns and stages are solid. Some of the core gameplay mechanics have been changed though, and it's a little mixed.
For instance, the bombs have been changed in 2 key ways; there are no longer unique bombs for each shot-type, and using a bomb costs you some of your Power instead of an item. Not having unique bombs takes away an element in picking your shot-type, but I don't mind the bomb itself since it's both effective and powerful. Losing Power can be frustrating, and you can end up in a horrible loop if you lose too much at once, but, MOST of the time I find MoF is very generous with Power, and that combined with not being restricted to bomb items can actually be a really sweet deal.
Most of the other changes are similarly mixed, but ultimately I think they work well together! There's only 1 thing I have major critism of, and that's the removal of practice and accessibility features. There's no more extra starting lives from here on out, which I understand, but it does make me sad, as extra lives allows new players to see more of the game (and allows old players to relax on just-for-fun runs). He also removed Spell Practice, which sucks :( But, by far the most egregious change, is that using a continue starts you over from the beginning of a stage….. and just seeing a stage is NOT enough to unlock it in Practice Mode. This is a HUGE hit to the game's accessibility for new or unskilled players, not even allowing them to practice the stage they're stuck on, or prepare for anything beyond it. If you die on a stage so much you have to continue, what the hell made ZUN think starting the whole stage over with almost no lives would help??
Thankfully, I don't need that accessibility much anymore, and there IS a fanmade practice patch out there. MoF is definitely among my top favorite games of the series, it's just a great basic shmup and great start to the new era. Also shoutout to my favorite final boss theme, Venerable Ancient Battlefield ~ Suwa Foughten Field. Loved it so much as a kid that I would mod it into other games LMAO
[TOUHOU 11: SUBTERRANEAN ANIMISM]
SA is considered the 2nd hardest game in the series, and there is good reason for that. Beyond the patterns and stages just generally being pretty difficult, the lives, bombs, and continues system are very punishing in this entry.
The continue system is exactly the same as MoF, which is to say, brutal and unforgiving. Bombs are also tied to power like in MoF, but unlike MoF, Power only goes up to 4.00 instead of 5.00 (with MarisaA as an exception) meaning less bombs overall and leading to the same issues there were in MoF. And, you don't earn full lives, you need 5 life pieces to gain a full extra life, and the one and ONLY way to earn life pieces? Is through clearing boss attacks without bombing or getting hit. There is not even a SINGLE free live in the entire game, you must earn every single one with flawless performance.
This leads to a scenrio where, high skilled players are rewarded with lives they don't need, and less experienced players are basically walled from even practicing. All this, combined with two other factors (some of the weirdest/most difficult to utilize shot-types in the series, and the fact that the actual bombs either suck ass or are also difficult to utilize well), makes SA one of the most "unfriendly" games in all of Touhou project. If not THE most unfriendly.
I have a lot of criticisms of this, and even now I can't say I feel "comfortable" playing through SA. But, (most of) the unique shot-types CAN be rewarding, once you learn how to wield them, and this game has some of the most exciting and challenging bosses. So many fun spellcards……… Satori and Okuu are standouts. Satori's gimmick is also really cool, where her spellcards change based off your shot-type, nearly all of them being alternate version of past spellcards in the series. And of course, this game's cast is absolutely iconic, pairing well with one of the best overall soundtracks in the entire series.
SA is one of those games where I have a lot of fun with it and think it's stellar in terms of music, cast, and bullet patterns, but certain systems and mechanics prevent me from recommending it whole-heartedly to others. There's just a lot of frustrations with it. But it's still fairly high up in my rankings, and there's some value to having a game focused on Skill and skill alone, rather than other gimmicks or resources management or whatnot.
[TOUHOU 12: UNDEFINED FANTASTIC OBJECT]
UFO was the first Touhou game I got to see the release for. It's one of my happiest memories, so my feelings towards UFO may be very biased. Just a warning lol
UFO's "gimmick", the UFOs, is how you engage with basically any other system in the game; you MUST engage with the UFOs if you're going for anything other than a NMNB clear. And ho boy is the UFO system contentious. Not without reason, either. Mid-Bosses and Bosses destroy summoned UFOs which is frustrating, it's super easy to make a mistake with gathering the small UFOs and ruin your combo, if there's small UFOs you don't want on screen they basically act as bouncing projectiles you need to dodge ON TOP of the actual bullets……. etc.
However, while I share a few of those frustrations (damn UFO destroying bosses…..), I find the UFO system to lead to a good combination of routing and room for improvisation. You can memorize when and where certain colored UFOs will drop and plan ahead for them, and if you miss what you need or make a mistake you can still think on the fly and re-route mid playthrough. It's also fun that you can specialize your routing and gameplay towards a specific goal, like stocking tons of bombs to skip difficult stage sections/spellcards, or optimzing for score, or stockpiling lives.
The overall difficulty of the stages and patterns is decently high in UFO (this game is often ranked 3rd hardest in the series), but it can be somewhat mitigated with good planning and resource management. And I personally find a lot of these stages and bosses a Blast to play! Helped again by, of course, having one of the best overall sountracks in the series…. imo at least. The UFO cast is also my personal favorite, AND they get some of ZUN's cutest sprites/artwork :)
The only other real criticism I have is that it shares it's Continue system with MoF and SA. Thank god this is the last game that forces you backwards for continuing ;;;;
While the UFO system has it's downsides, UFO is just a really fantastic entry into the series and a personal favorite of mine. We'll see how I feel once I start tackling the higher difficulties seriously though…… lol.
[TOUHOU 12.5: DOUBLE SPOILER]
Basically the sequel to Shoot the Bullet. There is very little difference, just a new set of characters and cards to face. I personally find this one a LOT harder than StB, and I don't enjoy it quite as much, but it's still a solid game I recommend it to anyone who enjoyed StB.
(EDIT TO ADD: Sometime after I wrote this part, I found an old blog entry from when I was 13, and apparently ZUN explicitly stated DS was meant to be much harder than StB. So, there ya go?)
[TOUHOU 13: TEN DESIRES]
The key phrase for this game overall, imo, is RESOURCE STRANGLEHOLD.
TD is far and beyond the most punishing game in the series, both in terms of resources and the Spirit Gauge/Trance mechanic. The requirement for the amount of pink spirits you need in order to earn an extra Life is brutal right from the start, at 8, and every time you earn a new life this requirement goes up. This doesn't reset when you die, or even when you CONTINUE. That would be brutal enough, but even with OPTIMAL PERFORMANCE, literally no mistakes and perfect utilization of Trance, you earn less lives in this game than in any other. Speaking of pulling of a perfect performance, good fucking luck, because the spirits you need to gather stay right where you killed the enemy, disappearing Quickly, so you have to either have your Trance meter full and ready, or you need to risk your precious few lives to dash up to the top of the screen, in the middle of an absolute clusterfuck of bullets, just for a FRACTION of an extra life.
And of course, there's the real kicker; getting hit causes your entire Trance meter to be used up, and it takes a quite a bit to refill it, especially because again, spirits Do Not Fall the way items do, you have to seriously risk your life for them.
Basically, TD is a very, VERY routing-heavy game, and if you make even ONE mistake it can cause your entire playthrough to unravel. It's super frustrating. There are only 2 saving graces here….. 1) you at least get to keep any extra bombs you had in stock after you die, and 2) TD has some of the easiest boss fights in Touhou. I actually find the spellcards super fun, so by sort of-kind of routing the stages and doing well against the bosses, I was able to find some joy in TD. But that is obviously in spite of the mechanics, not because of them ;;
I will say, though, that it's interesting to have a game designed to make you "boss graze", ie stay dangerously close to the boss and move around them to catch spirits. Interesting concept and it helps train you on a high-level skill.
TD was my least favorite Touhou game for a long, long time. I've softened on it a bit, fun bullet patterns are fun no matter what, but goddamn. This one's ROUGH. And sadly, the OST is pretty middling for me, though it DOES have a few standouts (Desire Drive, Youkai Shrine Back Road, Small Desire's Starry Night Sky)!!
[TOUHOU 14: DOUBLE DEALING CHARACTER]
Ah. DDC. My nemesis.
I actually don't mind this game's special mechanic; using the point of collection line to earn life and bomb pieces. I actually think it's fun and rewarding, though that could just be because I already go to the PoC line as much as possible anyways lol. No, my problem is not with the mechanic, or the life and bomb pieces. This game commits the most fatal of all sins in bullet hell; the bullet patterns are Not Fun.
So many of the patterns in the this game have 'gimmicky' movements, sometimes bordering on Random, and this is often used in combination with one of my greatest weaknesses, bullets coming at you from both above and below, at the same time. This makes them an absolute nightmare to read. There's also a ton of a bullets that are either oddly shaped with confusing hitboxes, or made huge which also makes their hitboxes confusing. And unfortunately, the stages and bosses that don't suffer from this generally have pretty bland forgettable patterns. I can't think of a single attack in DDC I would describe as "fun", and that's unheard of in the rest of the series.
Worse yet, the shot-types themselves……. half of them are 'gimmicky', kind of like SA shot-types were, but the SA shot-types had special extra mechanics that could be mastered and were rewarding to utilize, if uncomfortable to get used to. These shot-types are just plain Uncomfortable, or are underwhleming ;; MarisaB has a bomb that makes it possible to milk life and bomb pieces like crazy and basically cheese the whole game, but that's not fun either :( I wanna be able to PLAY the game and enjoy it…… but I can't.
And the final nail in the coffin…… DDC also happens to have my least favorite soundtrack and, imo, a very bland and unmemorable cast. I feel so sad saying that because I think there's some unique youkai here, but MOST OF their designs don't stick out/are pretty plain, and they feel very disconnected from Gensokyo at large. Maybe if I saw them in print materials I'd feel different, but as it stands…… :/
I want to say some nice things though, so here's what I've got. Wakasagihime has a great design (it's just…. y'know, she's a Stage 1 boss, so there's not much of her. Super sad considering I desperately wanted a mermaid Youkai). Raiko also has a cool design, AND she has the best theme in the game. Uhh…… the PoC line mechanic giving you an extra life piece instead of a bomb if you collect enough point items is a good feature that rewards smart planning and risk management. The Stage 2 boss has lasers you can avoid by staying completely still which is hilarious.
I…. think that's it. Let me say for the record, I'm open to changing my mind!! I softened on TD as I got better, found things I could enjoy in it despite my issues, so that could happen someday with DDC. It's just right now, nearly everything about DDC bounces me right off it, so it's the only Touhou I genuinely don't enjoy playing,, Hopefully someday that will change……
[TOUHOU 15: LEGACY OF LUNATIC KINGDOM]
LoLK is a bit of an odd ball, for sure. While you can play it like a regular Touhou game (using "Legacy" mode), the main mode of LoLK is "PointDevice", which plays very differently. It's focused on "perfection", and very precise movement and dodging, making you retry to same sections and attacks over and over again til you do them right.
You also earn Life pieces (Legacy) and Bomb pieces (PointDevice) via grazing, which requires you to risk your life getting super close to the bullets. All that, in combination with very dense and overwhleming bullet patterns, makes LoLK the hardest Touhou game by a long shot. Especially in Legacy mode, where you can't just retry over and over.
I honestly don't care for PointDevice much, especially because if there's a section/attack you CANNOT pass no matter how hard you try, and you've already used all your bombs, you're kind of fucked and Have to restart the entire thing ;; But, I still find Legacy mode fun, and as someone who loves to graze when I can, being rewarded for it feels good, AND allows for some really creative and interesting patterns/routing. On the higher difficulties, there's way more bullets to milk for graze, too. On one hand it's a little frustrating that it's HARDER to earn resources on Easy and Normal, but on the other hand you can argue that the extra resources help balance the insane pattern difficulty of Hard and Lunatic.
I'm not good enough to beat LoLK on Normal yet (it's the last one left for me), but I still think it's a pretty solid game overall, and I like to replay certain stages (2, 3, 5, and 6) on Easy just for fun.
[TOUHOU 16: HIDDEN STAR IN FOUR SEASONS]
Wasn't a huge fan of this one at first, but I've warmed up to it! Mostly
While this is not the first game with bullet erasers, it is the first to feature them so prominently, aside from maybe PoFV. It comes in the form of the Release system, which basically allows you to massively power down your shot type in exchange for clearing bullets (how much you power down and how many bullets are erased/for how long depends on your sub weapon choice). I think the way it can be utilized both for survival and for scoring is pretty cool. It can also be really broken if you know exactly where to use them, adding another element to routing and memorization. But it can also be handy during my casual play…… if you remember it exists. lol. I admit that I struggle to use any C key function properly ;; But that's a personal issue
The shot types are definitely interesting in this game. Instead of the standard fare, you pick a character (who always has the same shot) and then pick a "sub weapon" based on one of the other character's shots (or you can pick your own to make it stronger). This results in there being a whopping SIXTEEN COMBINATIONS, each with slightly varying properties. Lord. While I think I prefer having a smaller pool of unique and optimized shot types, this is a neat concept, if a bit overwhelming if you're like me and want to clear EVERY combination ;; But still, it allows you to sort of customize to what you're most comfortable with, or what will help you the most (for example, the Cirno/Summer sub weapon gives you short releases you can use repeatedly, but the weapon itself sucks ass as a tradeoff. So pairing it with a faster/more powerful character balances things a bit!), which is pretty cool.
My major complaints about this game are the 2 difficulty spikes; the Stage 5 bosses, and Okina's final spellcard(s). The Stage 5 bosses use the dreaded "random and erratic" bullet behaviour I hated so much in DDC, though thankfully only for SOME attacks. They're still a big spike compared to the rest of the game, even compared to Okina's fight……. until the end. Okina's final cards are super cool in concept, stripping you of your sub weapon and forcing you to just Dodge Or Die…….. but in practice it is PAINFUL, especially since it's the last obstacle before victory. She even has a bomb shield………. wtf. Brutal. All 4 variants are bad, but the Summer version is by far the worst, in my opinion one of the hardest final spellcards in the entire series.
There's also the extra stage, which is mostly spent dodging stuff coming from behind you (my nightmare), but that's more of a skill issue on my part ;; Overall, while the cast is very disconnected and don't leave a strong impression, the music is pretty damn good, the stages are fun, and the mechanics are interesting, even if they're a bit shakey and abusable. Not a top favorite but I like HSiFS :)
[TOUHOU 17: WILY BEAST AND WEAKEST CREATURE]
This game has a similar special mechanic to UFO, but I think it's a little better implemented here.
There are no "shot types" as it were; your choices are whether to power up your unfocused attacks, your focused attacks, or your bombs. This kinda makes it hard to have a preference, as each attack is better at different points in the game, so it's really up to you what's more important. I kind of like this, even though I still prefer variety, it means I can use other characters more freely.
I also like this version of the 'collect stuff on screen' mechanic, there's more leeway for mistakes (you can still activate "Roaring/Hyper" mode without having a perfect collection of matching spirits) AND the benefits are better (it protects you from hits while active, just like the cherry borders in PCB!! and you get either a massive boost to damage or a bullet eraser)! Like with UFO though, there is risk with chasing the Spirits all over the field, and it can lead to some frustrating deaths and distractions. But that's just part of what you have to manage, I think it's a fun system overall :)
What is Not Fun is an issue that actually started back in TD, but I haven't mentioned it yet, because WBaWC has it the Absolute Worst; VISIBILITY ISSUES. Your own shot, ESPECIALLY in Roaring/Hyper mode, can become so dense and flashy that it is near impossible to read the bullet patterns. Or see the bullets At All. Which is, yknow, a problem in a bullet hell game. On top of that, the whole game is tinted red, and full of red bullets, which is sick as hell on paper, but in practice makes a huge portion of the game become slurry to the eyes. And the Enemy tracker, which had its text removed back in TD, is more a problem in this game than in any other because the color of the tracker matches the color of the window border, so you may as well not even have it.
There's also a major problem in the Stage 5 boss (and in one final boss spellcard), with the stupid statues that are summoned……. I already don't like these kinds of "familiars", they''re always a pain no matter what, but WBaWC takes it to another level, as they soak up so much damage that very few of the shot types can kill them before you get body slammed or completely overwhelmed.
WBaWC is really fun and cool and has some great music and designs, but it feels…… almost like ZUN didn't fully playtest it before release. An issue that is going to persist into the final entries………. but it's still enjoyable overall, at least.
[TOUHOU 18: UNCONNECTED MARKETEERS]
I have a lot of fondness for it, but MAN is this game unbalanced lol
There's the obvious, which is the card system. I think the card system is a cool idea and can be fun to play around with, it's exciting when you get exactly the card you wanted, but there are certain cards/combinations that can kind of break the game, and it can be BRUTAL if you get nothing but trash cards on your run, and there are a Lot of 'trash cards'. And once you figure out your favorite card combo it's likely you'll never mess with anything else. Not strictly a bad thing, just a thing.
But then there's the real kicker…… Marisa. People are 100% right when they say this game is "anti-Marisa". I've tried not to mention the shot types I dislike (like most Youmu and Sakuyas), because that's a very personal/skill based issue, but here, the way this game is designed feels actively Hostile towards Marisa. It's hard to describe, but both bosses and stages are set up to have you fly all over the screen, or move off the sides a lot, and her range is EXTREMELY narrow………. AND both the shots and her bombs have been massively nerfed??? She's no longer the most powerful character, so there isn't even a trade off for picking the harder option. Seriously why the hell did ZUN nerf her AND make almost the entire game hostile to straight-forward shots?????
Well, whatever the reason, it makes her PAINFUL to play as. But, if you play as one of the fun shot types……. this game is pretty fun!! The first half a Little plain with it's boss patterns but the second half is a blast!!! If MAYBE a bit unfair (Megumu…….) ;; And the OST is fantastic all the way through. Plus, I just love the characters that were introduced, especially the 'masterminds', Megumu, Tsukasa, and Chimata. Very fun additions to the world of Gensokyo, I really hope we get to learn more about Megumu as the Crow Tengu chief.
If you're looking consistent play, look elsewhere, but for a fun time with light luck based elements this is a great game (if you don't play Marisa. Or Sakuya. lol)
[TOUHOU 18.5: 100TH BLACK MARKET]
Now this is an unique one! You go through stages that are split into semi-randomized sections, and along the way you gather money to buy cards. Bullet money buys cards during a run, and regular money lets you buy cards out of a shop so you can equip them from the start. So it's like….. a rouge-like shooter? Kinda?
I personally had fun with this. It's a little simple, and it can get repetitive, but it was nice because if I didn't have much time but wanted to mess around with bullet hell, I could boot this up and play a couple rounds to gather money for cards!!
Once you buy all the cards and earn all the achievements there's no reason to ever come back, which is sad, but idk, I had a good time milking bullets for money and slowly filling my collections. It shares some of the randomness issues with UM and is a little half-baked but I would still recommend giving it a shot, especially because it gives Marisa her time to shine after getting shafted in UM!
[TOUHOU 19: UNFINISHED DREAM OF ALL LIVING GHOSTS]
The final one so far!! I'll be honest, I've beaten it 21 times now I STILL don't understand how most of the mechanics work. Things just Happen and I either dodge or die. But what I can speak on is the downright bizarre balancing issues and the plethora of missing features.
The difficulty and balancing is wack. The vast majority of the characters feel underpowered already, and to top that off, only a small number of characters have bullet-clearing abilities, which is an absolutely MASSIVE advantage in this game, meaning that some characters are just objectively better than others. The story routes each character takes can also vary wildly in difficulty, making some paths a breeze and others nearly impossible even for the best players in the world.
But the most concerning thing for me is the missing features. No score? No "clear" achievement or signifier for different difficulty levels?? NO REPLAYS????? I can deal with the lack of score since I'm not a score player (yet), but having no indication or reward for 1ccing, and having no way to save or share your run without recording every single play session………. god. Idk, maybe it's silly, but that stuff is VERY important to me :( I'm still so sad about it, and it makes anything you achieve in the game feel….. hallow.
That being said, it's not all bad!! I love the new characters and their designs, there's some really interesting experimentation going on in the OST, I think the 'shield' mechanic adds a fun layer to gameplay (trying to make sure you're ready to restore the shield if it breaks while also trying to send over attacks and dodge)…… and I mean, dodging bullets is dodging bullets, so it's gonna be fun at least some of the time!!
Honestly, I just wish ZUN has balanced it more carefully, gave other characters more power or bullet-erasers, had more people play test it………. and of course, I wish it had replays and a way to track 1cc's :(((
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And that's it! If you read any of that, thank you, I know it was long ;;;;; But I had fun, I'm glad I got to talk a lot about my favorite game series :^)
#ask#varjojentuomio#remi plays touhou#idk if i wanna put this absolute behemoth in the actual touhou tag LOL#also if theres any weird grammar/spelling....... IM SORRY I TRIED MY BEST
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Changes and Deleted Content Part 2 - Far Cry 5: Features and Missions
This is a small passion project series of posts where I share some insight of what’s hidden in the game(s) files, but also some general observations. The main focus will be on character changes or deletions with a few words about functions and deprecated missions.
What will not be touched upon are a lot of the things the Resistance Mod on PC restores, namely deleted store weapons and clothes, weather systems and general gameplay related things like skinning animations. I also won’t go into audio files and their content, as @lulu2992 is already working on an amazing series for FC5 that summarizes them per character.
This part will be significantly shorter Edit from post finishing-Angy: This post turned out really damn long despite only discussing some scrapped or changed features and a couple of deprecated mission strings. I still hope you find this as interesting to read as I found writing and investigating it :)
1. Changed and Scrapped Features
1.1 Guns/Fangs for Hire
Just for reference, the release version of the game has 9 unique GFH/FFH available + 3 slots for random specialists you can hire throughout the world.
Among the game’s UI textures for tutorials is this image, showing an earlier version of the GFH screen.
What this indicates is that the planned amount for active GFHs you can have was originally 4; or the top row could function as some sort of favorites tab. We will probably never know for certain.
Interestingly though, this version has slots for 20 GFHs in total, 18 either filled a character icon or a locked symbol, suggesting the originally planned unique GFH count was 18.
Considering almost every NPC in-game has spawn-able archetypes with battle audio fully in place it is possible that we were supposed to be able to recruit more of them. I will return to the matter of recruitment shortly.
Another thing I’d like to open up for consideration is that there may have been plans for (ex-)cultist GFHs or at least areas where they act friendly towards the deputy. Reason for this assumption is the fact that cultists have recorded lines for when you meet them (spawn them), aim weapons at them (the taunts GFH and friendlies do too), along with idle lines when you use mods to spawn them as friendly followers. The game has no purpose for most of these lines, as you never walk into peaceful cultists outside of the intro. In the intro you have no weapons to aim at anyone, making it impossible to trigger these lines.
You may argue they were recorded for the arcade, but the Seeds are also featured in it and have none of those. However, they may also be a leftover from scrapped missions that would feature cultists that don’t shoot you on sight.
Additionally to that early menu screenshot, I have also found an old reddit thread discussing the game’s Uplay page near release because of the following image:
Unfortunately I was not able to find this particular page myself anymore, and knowing how short lived everything is nowadays, it might be lost in time forever. The commenters discuss that the three additional slots here refer to potential DLC characters, but we don’t get to use any of the DLC companions in the main game (nor do the DLCs share the main game’s art direction). So, this might be another indicator for additionally planned GFH/FFH we never got to see.
One of these was likely the Eagle FFH called ‘’Freedom’’ (Character/Unique/FFH_Eagle_Freedom), which was partially restored through mods on PC as its loaders and everything are still present. It is unknown why this was scrapped.
It also appears that there once were inventory (purchaseable?) items for almost each GFH (Boomer and Jess have none), as these placeholder icons exist inside the game’s ui\icons\inventory folder:
Possible functions: Quest items you needed to obtain to recruit them (implying changed missions); Gift items (for potential level up?)
Now to return to the matter of recruitment: Deprecated mission strings suggest that originally you had to hire unique GFHs similarly to random ones; and that was part of quest lines. These lines appear in ‘oasisstrings’, the game’s main language file(s):
HIRE Jess
RECRUIT Adelaide Drubman
ADD Adelaide to your squad
In light of the old GFH screen I actually looked up the definition of ‘Squad’, and on wikipedia it is listed that a Squad is a team of 5+ members, further strengthening the theory that originally you could have 4 active GFH (plus the Deputy they’d be 5, therefore a squad).
1.2 In-game Wiki menu
Some of the previous Far Cry titles have a sort of wiki menu that features short bios of characters, explanations of locations, resources and weaponry. New Dawn sort of brought part of this back with the ‘Survival Guide’ (accessible from the pause menu), but 5 does not have this at all. However, in the ui files there are still texture leftovers, implying this feature was planned and it had sections for Animals, Base Jumps, Characters, Destructible Structures, Fish, Locations, Parking Spots (Garages), Plants and Treasure Hunts. The following image shows the ‘undiscovered’ symbols arranged in that order.
Again, no text entries along with a lot of duplicate and unfinished images imply this was scrapped early.
You can view the additional images (minus characters, because they will be handled in the next posts) here.
2. Abandoned Missions
This section will focus on mission strings that still exist in ‘oasisstrings’. For the sake of readability I removed the style code the game uses and the line numbers. You can easily find them by searching part of the text in the files or website listed in References. Please keep in mind that only the mission titles themselves are 100% like that in the files, any assumption as to what they might have been used for is purely speculative, but I attempt to always provide a reasonable explanation with evidence for the theories presented.
Also I am not perfect, so it is possible I missed something in-game. In that case please do correct me!
2.1. Investigation Type objectives
There is a set of objectives listed that imply a different setup for Willis Huntley’s mission. It introduces the objectives PHOTOGRAPH, TAG, LISTEN and INTERROGATE:
PHOTOGRAPH potential property
PHOTOGRAPH an animal slaughter
TAG the target
PHOTOGRAPH the target
LISTEN to the conversation
INTERROGATE the target
PHOTOGRAPH cult signs and rituals:
BRING the photos back to Willis
The release build mission has you tail someone and steal a VHS tape. None of the above objectives appear. It’s interesting to see that at one point there were mechanics in consideration that included intel gathering.
2.2. Quest centered around Melvin
The only Melvin I could find in relation to Far Cry 5 is Nadine Abercrombie’s grandfather. Melvin Abercrombie joined the cult. It isn’t assured that these objectives refer to him, but if they do it’d mean a potential mission where you speak to a lower ranked cultist.
Please Note that mission strings are not always in correct order.
TALK to Melvin
LOOT Melvin's corpse
REACH Melvin's house
WAIT for Melvin to arrive
GO MEET Melvin
2.3. The ‘Redeemer’ Objectives
At some point there was a quest-line revolving around something called the ‘Redeemer’ in Holland Valley. I could not find out what this thing really was supposed to be, but it sounds like it was either a boat or a submarine (???). In this line it appears that the garage in Fall’s End had actual relevance.
FIND a similar engine
BRING engine to Mary's garage
TALK to Mary's assistant
TOW Redeemer Back the Garage (this typo is also in the file)
SUBMERGE the Redeemer
FLIP the Redeemer upside down
GET IN the Tow Truck
PUT the Redeemer on the Flat Bed
What this also implies is the inclusion of tow trucks and that there was a ‘Mary’s assistant’ character.
2.4. A few seperate Entries before we focus on plot relevant ones
In light of the afore mentioned wiki menues there is also an objective type that goes very well with its character section:
DISCOVER this character.
This could be attached to unknown entries in the character list.
There also is an unused objective called:
FIND the cow in the field
Which at first glance made me believe it was related to the mission at Cattle co., but it is not used there or anywhere else. I suppose we will never find out what was so special about this mysterious cow.
TAKE Joseph's writings
is also an interesting entry, as it is not related to the mission where you burn his book. This is again an unused string with unknown original purpose.
2.5. Mary May and John Seed
There are two particularly interesting unused mission objectives in relation to these two characters.
For one, it looks like originally we were supposed to rescue Mary May from John’s ranch:
RESCUE Mary May From John Seed's Ranch
This could either be a replacement for saving her in Fall’s End or it is a mission that appeared later on in which John possibly captured her. It gets more possible applications with the next one, though.
FIND John and Mary May's secrets
Now, this one caught my attention immediately, because there are two big things that come to mind in terms of possible application. It could refer back to the novel Absolution in which Mary May gets captured and tattooed by John, heavily implying that part of the plot that made it to the novel was originally intended to be shown in the game (we will get back to this in the character episode when talking about Holly).
Additionally, keeping the previous objective in mind, it could also imply that Mary has been converted during her capture (or her capture was planned) and played a different role in the story overall. Of course, all of this is only speculation as we will probably never know, but the objective specifically says ‘John AND Mary May’s secrets’, refering to shared secrets, not just one of Mary herself (which would fit more into the tattoo theory).
If you have ever even considered the possibility that Ubisoft might have cut a lot of stuff from the Whitetail region of the game, the rest of this Mission section should finally prove this to you. I’d like to make clear here that this is unbiased. I have tried to dig up deleted content equally in all regions but it just turns out that this is the one they really went wild with. There is nothing that stands out in terms of deleted or changed missions in the Henbane area and the Holland Valley content is mostly not that plot relevant minus the last examples just mentioned.
2.6. Eli and the Wolf’s Den
In the final version of the game we are told that Eli is an important character, but he is not very active in any way. Where Mary May assists you on the way to John’s Ranch and Tracey and the others at the prison fight by your side in defense missions, Eli will stay at the Wolf’s Den and have you run his errands for him. Just like the other mentioned characters he has full fight capabilities though. His AI is capable of using that bow, despite him never leaving the bunker.
As it turns out, he used to be a far more active character and there were multiple ways you could encounter him for the first time. For reference: In the game as it is now you will only meet him when he and his people rescue the deputy after Jacob’s first trial. You cannot enter the Wolf’s Den prior to this point.
Inside the game’s animations folders are these three subfolders including the respective files (JJ and Key03 is how Eli is often referred to in the files, I will get back to this in the character post):
This means there were three ways that you would encounter Eli: Inside a cabin, through being captured in a net or by being released by Perkins. This was most likely Doc Perkins, giving her a bit more significance in the game.
The main cutscene files for these are not present anymore, only the animations remain so I could not find out where the exact locations for these were supposed to be at. I however, loaded these animations into a game cutscene so we get to look at them anyway. I have chosen Jacob’s death cutscene for the simple reason that there’s only the player + 1 NPC, it is daytime and there’s no intrusive DOF blurring everything. The video below shows all of them.
Keep in mind that only the player animation matters in the first two! Ignore the rest. The third one features Doc Perkins and has her animation applied to her. As you can see it is very very unfinished, but it shows that she possibly unties the deputy or opens an animal cage, then drives away in a car.
youtube
This unused mission string supports the theory of these different ways further, as it implies that you met him somewhere and he would guide you to the den:
FOLLOW Eli into the Wolf's Den
There are several other objectives that suggest a more active Eli, who might have accompanied you on some missions:
WAIT for Eli to arrive
GO with Eli
GO inside the Wolf's Den
2.7. Jacob and the Veteran Center
Before swan diving down a very deep rabbit hole, let’s address this unused mission string first:
TALK to Deputy Pratt
Sounds very unspectacular and like something you would do at some point, but this is never an objective in the game. The intended function will forever remain unknown most likely, but possibilities are vast, especially with the upcoming abandoned objectives.
There are hints at an alternate useage of Jacob’s bunker (specifically called bunker here and not armory). Mission strings are:
FIND a way out of Jacob's Bunker
LEAVE Jacob's Bunker
Again, on first sight you’d think these are just what’s there in-game. But they aren’t. During the final mission it goes from RESCUE Deputy Pratt straight to ESCAPE Jacob’s Armory. There is no indicator that you’d need to find a way out. The objectives above hint that it was similar to John’s and Faith’s bunker initially, where you had to do a few more things before escaping.
An observation derived from the game’s subtitle file is that at one point there might have been a differentiation between ‘Armory’ and ‘Bunker’ as, most likely, a random NPC says "I don't know where Jacob's bunker is. I'm not sure anybody does, but it's out there somewhere." The armory is (other than John’s and Faith’s bunkers) directly next to a main road, next to McKinley Dam. It is quite impossible to miss. Therefore this statement, along with the inconsistent switch between calling it ‘armory’, ‘bunker’ or ‘gate’, could mean there was originally a different bunker and the armory really functioned as such.
Before moving on to more mission strings, there is one more subtitle entry worth mentioning: "When you tried to arrest Joseph, Jacob got wind of it and things got real crazy here in the Whitetail Mountains." It heavily implies that at some point, Joseph’s family might not have been intended to be present during the opening, and they instead found out about the arrest afterwards. As far fetched as it sounds at first, it does check out with the inactivity and absence of the three heralds after you cuff Joseph (and in case you ever wondered what the three of them are doing while you guide Joseph outside, they de-spawn and are gone as soon as you turn around).
But enough about that and let’s get back to more missions we never got to see.
For instance there is:
GO TO the Veteran's Center
Which, as most of you know, is impossible during the game because you get repositioned everytime you attempt to go close. This string implies a different kind of mission at some point.
HUNT Jacob
No, this also does not appear in the game. The final mission goes from DESTROY Wolf Beacons to KILL Jacob Seed. Possibility in combination with the previous entry is that you were supposed to follow him back to the Veteran Center and that’s where the final fight would be. It could also imply a different kind of trial.
Small observation because we are talking about the final fight: The Prima Games’ guide (based on a pre-release build of the game, it will be featured more prominently in the next post) depicts Jacob at the bottom of the mountain during this encounter. WIth a lot of perseverance I’m sure you can somehow manage to replicate this in-game. But it is interesting regardless that they chose this image. It might imply that at some point he was not positioned on top of the hill, and instead closer to the area he finally dies in.
Before we move on, here are a few other interesting unused strings:
TRAIN
TRAIN yourself
INTERACT with Jacob for finishing takedown
TALK to Jacob
They imply a different way to end the fight along with the possibility to talk to Jacob at some point (unrelated to each other mind you). I have no clue in what kind of scenario you were supposed to talk to him. The only explanation I have is that trials were possibly supposed to be different at some point and maybe they had more intentions to explore the whole brainwashed aspect of it to the point you casually took strolls around St Francis. Now before you say I just made that up, I implore you to wait till after the next part to call me out on it, because there are reasons I offer that possibility up for discussion here.
TRAIN and TRAIN yourself might not be linked to this region at all. But it is interesting to have these sort of objectives as they form the ‘Train, Hunt, Kill, Sacrifice’ part of the region’s theme, when you refer back to other mission strings: TRAIN (yourself), HUNT Jacob, KILL Jacob Seed.
Now to get to the main part. If you ever used mods on PC that let you access the Veteran Center, you will have noticed that the AI acts very strange. Your assigned GFH might wander around, aim at nothing or even attack civillians. Cultists inside the area will not always attack you, while civillians will do. This is most likely why the developers were so quick to patch out the tricks to access the region without mods.
I have seen multiple speculations circling around, but the one that always struck me as the most plausible one is that there was some kind of mission after Pratt rescues you from the cage. It is a very discontinuous cutscene, in which you transition from the cage directly to the top floor of the Veteran Center, implying there were no problems for Pratt and the Deputy to get there, despite having to cross the entire guarded frontyard and going through multiple building floors to get to the office. So, naturally I wasted some time of my life trying to dig up stuff that proves this theory right and I...well I did find something.
Important note so you understand what’s going on here: It is very common in games to load objects underneath the map (outside of sight of the player) to assure they are properly loaded in when they are needed. I have seen posts circulating around which depicted Pratt underneath the building, suggesting they eventually had an area planned there. The more likely case is that Pratt was loaded there for later use in a cutscene.
Why am I saying that? Well, this following screenshot was taken underneath the map during the cutscene where Pratt rescues the deputy and it transitions to the top of the building. I have changed the time to daytime for a bit better visibility.
What you see here is an entirely unused set of either cutscene or gameplay elements. A truck, Jacob (who’s absent in the cutscene we see), Pratt, a random NPC, a bag, a small table (unseen in cutscene), a single door (unseen in cutscene), a double door and 3 small pieces of paper (only two are in cutscene). I have kept watch on these assets for the entirety of the cutscene and none of them were moved into place. Meaning that all of these were here to be used in either a different cutscene or even a gameplay segment.
It brings me back to the mission theory, where there was a potential stealth segment between leaving the cage and entering the office. Maybe there was an alternate cutscene for the case where you’d be caught and the one we see in the game is the one after successfully sneaking up there? We will never know for certain again but it is one possible explanation as to why these assets even still exist. It would also check out with the TALK to Deputy Pratt mission string, as you maybe had to speak to him after reaching a certain area.
Here are also some additional screenshots of the room in front of the office:
It was modelled and filled with a few detail props we never get to see much of.
Another potential mission, which would explain the broken AI behavior better, is the already mentioned theory that they might have planned to do more with the whole brainwashing aspect. Cultists inside the Vet Center area do not shoot and are allied, while civillians act hostile, implying while the player is there they are considered to be allied to cultists. TALK to Deputy Pratt, TALK to Jacob or TRAIN (yourself) could have taken place during this also. Something that could support this theory is also this unused timelapse marking days passing:
youtube
3. The Game’s Title and Closing Words
Internally the game is often called ‘fc zeta’, ‘zeta’ or ‘fcz’. So *sigh* of course I tried to find a deeper meaning behind it all and came to the sixth letter of the Greek alphabet ‘Zeta’. If you count Far Cry: Primal as a real standalone title, Far Cry 5 is the sixth Far Cry release. But because the Greek were special snowflakes or something, the sixth letter actually has the value of 7. So Zeta is actually 7 despite being the sixth. If you count Blood Dragon as a Far Cry release it’d mean FC5 is the 7th release. However, these theories exclude all the expansions and stuff for earlier Far Cry games.
Another indicator that Zeta might have been more than just a number, is this texture used as a decal on some clothing materials:
I have not found someone in-game who has this anywhere, and they might just disable the transparency and use it only for the American flag. But still, why would they make such a decal texture in the first place? Maybe very early name of the cult or resistance group?
Before closing this incredibly long essay, here is an old, unused version of the logo found in the files :)
Phew, we finally reached the end. If you made it all the way down here: CONGRATULATIONS you just read a long af essay! Again, i’d like to remind you that a lot of what you’ve read is pure speculation. I tried to prove my arguments as best as I could with evidence that I provided but only Ubisoft knows what really happened. And they are unlikely to tell us.
The next post will focus on the expansive character list and I may split it into parts because there is a lot to say and show about some characters.
I hope you have a nice day and thank you for reading ♥
_______________________________________________________
References:
text.farcry.info (website where you can look through Oasisstrings yourself!) languages\english\oasisstrings.oasis.bin languages\english\oasisstrings_subtitles.oasis.bin animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_cabin animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_net animations\narrative\cin_key03_q01_b00_meet_jj_release domino\user\fcz_proto_ld
domino\user\zeta_dlcm
ui\resources\textures\04_menu\tooltips
ui\resources\textures\06_icons\inventory ui\resources\textures\05_hud\tutorials\_images __Unknown\XBT\AE800D066AB2E84A.xbt __Unknown\XBT\FD080AA2BBABE691.xbt
Zeta on Wikipedia (english)
Squad on Wikipedia (english)
Prima Games guide (2018, collector’s edition, print and digital) reddit.com/r/farcry/comments/89nsf1/so_theres_3_missing_guns_for_hire_here_maybe_3/
__Unknown\BIK\C6AB10EDBC81E933.bik
#far cry 5#gameinfo#obligatory longessay tag#if you ever wondered how much of a nerd i am#look at these essays#and know that i enjoyed writing and capturing footage of every second of this
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The Subtle Horror of Evangelion
What keeps us all hooked to Eva time and time again? You get through your initial, confused watch of either Evangelion endgame, probably sometime in your adolescence wondering what the hell it is you just watched. The original source material is suffused with unsettling imagery, and sometimes too-close-for-comfort shorts. It’s so much to process that one watch is never enough. The imagery isn’t enough, however, because the mid-to-late-90s series comes with things you’ll pick up the more you focus on certain characters’ struggles or the interesting world-building. They arise little by little with every re-watch, adding onto what interested you in Eva to begin with.
There’s always that little voice asking you “What it is that really draws me here?”
Oh. The horrors.
The tragedy of it all.
These things never leave you the second you bear witness to them, whether you become aware of them or not. You’re disturbed over it, a tad worried, no doubt, but you’re strangely hooked.
Horror works better on limitation, it’s why found footage capturing pale, ghastly, monstrosities of the deep wood will always stand as exponentially terrifying. While most all of us have taken cracks at Eva’s budget at some point, that’s what really drives these terrors home. Its low budget nature made it work.
Evangelion has commentary which forces a viewer to reflect. Most no one enjoys that. It’s the fear, however, that has its audience come back. Evangelion’s reflection alone isn’t what gives Eva it’s charm decades after its run. It’s the little things, most everyone misses, the anxieties, the terrors, all of it. Most of those things, fly over a lot of fans’ heads.
Buckle up, there’s a lot to go through…. (warning for mentions of abuse, body horror, means of suicide, nudity, blood, and gore)
Table of Contents
I. Icebergs for Dummies
Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg
II. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma
III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor
IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism
V. Shinji is the Audience Surrogate
VI. Abuse in Evangelion
Tier 2: Just Below the Tip
VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene
VIII. Naoko + Casper
IX. The Other End of Existential Horror
Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg
X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’
XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene
XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS
XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power
Tier 4: Pre-Abyss
XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens
XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates
XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes
XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka
Tier 5: The Abyss
XVIII. Split Second Misato Death
XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva
XX. The Ultimate Paradox
XXI. Conclusion
I. Icebergs for Dummies
For those unaware, the iceberg image illustrates that things are much deeper than they appear, just like an actual iceberg. You’ve probably seen this selfsame iceberg--- separated by tiers--- a few times looking through late night internet rabbit holes (Putting it out in the open: I’m personally guilty of this!), fictional or non. It helps you understand why you’re so enticed to certain material, that you’d revisit them. The highest parts of the iceberg are the things in the material most everyone knows, the surface level stuff. The lower you go, however, the lesser known the parts of the material are. These are the things the person are aware of.
Eva has some iceberg illustrations if you look around, albeit they don’t go through the more saddening, sometimes graphic factors of Eva, only theories navigating through Eva’s universe. Evangelion is so deceptively packed with blink-and-you’ll-miss-it subtleties that if an iceberg were centered on that, the diagram would be packed. And I’m being generous as I write this.
A few ground rules, before we begin: The iceberg will deal with the more obscure and dark material as the tiers get higher rather than it only being relegated to obscure bits. The lower the tier, the higher the iceberg and the more subtler the anxieties which graduate into horrors the deeper you go.
Yes, Evangelion is occasionally horrifying. No, Evangelion is not lovecraftian. I think people use the term lovecraftian way too freely. It’s not enough to see something with (sometimes too many) limbs twisted in ungodly angles. Or legs where legs shouldn’t be. The same applies for creatures assuming forms we don’t entirely comprehend. Eva has never delved into the angels being incomprehensibly terrifying specifically because they come from a cosmic expanse.
Some of these actual horrors, big and small, hit you after adolescence, something that makes you feel deeply for the characters’ dilemmas. It’s a feeling that grows and sometimes aches, rather than fades over time for many of us.
Tier 1: The Tip of the Iceberg
II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma
III. The AT Field as a Universal Metaphor
IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism
V. Shinji As the Audience Surrogate
VI. Abuse in Evangelion
II. Hedgehog’s Dilemma
Evangelion has its hand in so many psychological and philosophical cookie jars, from Freud, to Maslow, Johari, as well as Dostoevsky. The very tip of the Subtle Horrors of Evangelion Iceberg is something viewers are introduced to in the fourth episode of the series. It is one of the many psychological concepts dotted throughout the original show. Out of all those psychological concepts, this is the most explicit and most recurring.
The Hedgehog’s Dilemma describes the conundrum of two hedgehogs. The closer two hedgehogs become to one another, the more they harm each other with their spines. If you want to properly live, you need the closeness and intimacy of others. By allowing yourself to be close, however, you end up at great risk of being hurt. It’s the very reason what drives those who live to become guarded. Being perpetually apprehensive or building up walls isn’t a remedy for pains, however. The Hedgehog’s Dilemma isn’t just about why people become guarded after relationships ended on bad notes. It’s about the overall inevitability of pain.
Life is a continual push-pull of relationships, because we’re all creatures of comfort. We guard ourselves to varying degrees and sometimes even tell ourselves we won’t get close again, but personal comfort is one of our most ultimate drives.
The Hedgehog’s Dilemma not only describes that harm happens to us anyway, but illustrates that because comfort is universal we seek companionship regardless.
III. The AT-Field as a Universal Metaphor
The AT-Field is the most crucial rabbit hole in understanding the largest meta-narrative of Evangelion.
If Hedgehog’s Dilemma explains the what and the why people become more or less guarded, then AT-Fields explain the how. People build up walls around themselves all the time. You walk away from someone because they crack a smile at you... and it seems off.
Because you feel an anxious pang.
That’s an AT Field.
AT-Fields, or Absolute Terror Fields bear a few metaphors, one of which being boundaries. You see it as Shinji’s fear of becoming intimate, knowing the future implications or Asuka’s masculine protest (putting up a front). We can see an excellent example of the AT Field used by Asuka, her “Wall of Jericho” in episode 9.
You also see it manifested through the angels, the strange creatures in Eva who supposedly desire to merge with Adam, their mother. Seeing this in the angels makes you realize that the AT Field is actually a metaphor for boundaries which implicates us all. In episode 22, Arael, 15th angel, seeks to understand Asuka. The angel uses its AT-Field (a beam of light) no, its boundary, to breach Asuka’s boundaries.
AT-Fields can be used to not only build up personal walls but to breach them as well. The irony of Arael’s action is that Arael’s AT-Field being erected while it floats just over Earth’s gravitational field makes it immensely similar to the Second Child; they’re both guarded.
The AT-Field is a funny sort of thing because it also sometimes explains how two people who are so alike can be guarded from one another. Sometimes you gain contempt for someone because they’re too much like your least favorable traits. You see this with Shinji and Asuka, both children without their mother desiring validation. Shinji calls Asuka a child midway into episode 9 and Asuka isn’t shy on voicing ideas of Shinji as dense or immature. They’re throwing stones in glass houses.
AT Fields are used to get the user out of dangers both physical and perceived. Sachiel, 3rd angel in the original series’ pilot episode, uses its AT-Field, in the form of flotation, to get itself from enemy fire. It never shows this until it is attacked first.
AT Fields are also responsible for one’s identity and physicality in Eva. Without the AT Field you don’t really exist. When Rei assumes the form of the person the character being cast into Instrumentality loved most in End of Evangelion, she’s causing the character to give up their AT Field. With that gone, they lose their physicality, turning into LCL (given the lovely term ‘tanged’ by fans). The ‘tanged’ individual suffers metaphorical death. Evangelion argues that in order for one to exist, others must perceive you and you must perceive you, a point best illustrated in episode 16. Since everyone is converted to LCL, no one really ‘exists.’ Rei describes this unnerving state as the inability of differentiating who you are and others, since everyone lacks a physical state without AT-Fields. Metaphorical death can be argued as worse than physical, since we all exist to make an impression of some sort. It’s what ties all the Eva cast together and the cause of their dilemmas. Validation. You can be living, yet very much forgotten or simply unknown.
There is living and there is “living.”
You can’t “die�� unless someone knows you. You were never there.
AT Fields are the thing that make us live, but as a drawback, prevents us from understanding each other fully. Kaworu states in episode 24 that AT Fields are the wall of the mind and the heart of the soul, an unapproachable piece of sanctuary. When all else is taken from us, all we have left is our place of respite.
I’d also like to pitch the saddening reality that the AT-Fields are what prevent us from understanding angels as a whole, our genetic siblings as scared of this world as we are. The psychological angels want to understand us, that much is true. The angels, however, use forms of communication at the expense of our boundaries. Because people greatly value boundaries it makes it hard for us to comprehend angels. The creatures are hardly malicious when you realize they wonder why we all do things that actually hurt us, as well as the fact that they do understand our minds. But, because they breach our boundaries, we become even more wary of the (mostly) unknown. Angels may be us, but the strange forms they take are something we aren’t familiar with. The feeling is mutual with angels, wondering why there are many of us, our forms and outward appearances so identical. It’s a truth as old as time that we all fear the unknown.
The anxiety of an AT Field means comprehending that there’s very little chance to 100% get others. Because we’re all wary in some degree, because we’re set in an idea or perception of someone, even if the someone in the past no longer applies. It’s not healthy for you to continue dwelling on relationships not meant to be, keeping yourself up at night asking why, because both of you have closed off each other for good. There’s always that chance the other can come back and if they do seek to understand despite past hardships, that’s good. If they don’t, all you can do is move on and accept it.
IV. Kensuke Aida + War Idealism
Kensuke is one of Shinji’s classmates, a supporting player in the series. He’s close with Toji Suzuhara, a boy who takes his anger on Shinji, after finding out that his sister has been injured during Shinji’s fight with 3rd angel Sachiel. As Suzuhara beats him down, Kensuke downplays the incident. Kensuke’s and Toji’s relationship is particularly interesting because the latter is affected to some degree by war (the war by humanity to prevent our destruction by angels). Kensuke glorifies the sentient, implicitly eldritch, multi-armored war-machines.
Kensuke can be best described as the ‘wow, cool robots’ drawing you’ve probably seen floating around. This is in relation to Gundam’s war commentary, but replace Gundam with Eva. Kensuke is enamored with the Evangelions and totally, willfully ignorant to the war horrors. Adolescents are forced to be the salvation of humanity, feeling every bit of damage to their own bodies whenever the Evangelion takes any hurt. Even after the war for humanity is long over, the pilots will be afflicted with traumas that will always hang over them.
Kensuke’s glorification is also what draws him to be Shinji’s friend. He uses Shinji’s status as a way of becoming a pilot himself by meeting up with Misato, putting himself at the cockpit of a strange creature magnificent machine.
When Toji becomes hospitalized after his battle in a hijacked Unit-03 vs. A Dummy System-controlled Unit-01, Kensuke expresses discontent at not being a pilot. He’s annoyed because “everyone” but him is a pilot.
Thing is, Kensuke isn’t heartless, just ignorant. Idealism is one of the uglier things that runs thick in the heart of Evangelion. His is one of many cases of unhealthy idealism in Eva, another example of making it difficult for those living to understand one another.
V. Shinji as the Audience Surrogate
Shinji as the audience surrogate isn’t always touched up on, but is sort of understood subconsciously by a lot of the viewers. Shinji’s character is specific, yet so generalized that him being a surrogate for the audience just… works. Don’t believe me? Shinji gets two psychological exploration-based episodes whereas Asuka and Rei each have one. Episodes 16 and 24 are both psychological angel episodes, albeit the latter is more in-series subversive. The 24th episode doesn’t involve a breach of subconscious boundary, but the pilot (Shinji) is in the hot-seat, being made aware of their issues. Leliel, 12th angel, contacts Shinji in the former of these. Both characters talk to one another, shown as a series of horizontal lines and vertical lines, sometimes intersecting. These lines are a strong reference to the Johari Window, a tool in psychology which helps someone become more aware of themselves. The Window’s quadrants are as follows
1. the part known to the self
2. the part known to others
3. the part known to the self and others
4. the part known to no one
Leliel also states that the self only exists of one perceives themselves as well as others. The angel also states that Shinji could better his reality, to which Shinji absolves himself of responsibility by arguing the horrible state of his reality. It’s a subtle pushing to Shinji and by extension the viewer into free will. Kaworu builds up on these concepts with Eva’s in-universe concept for boundaries. Free Will versus Determinism is brought up here, with the idea that AT-Fields are brought up because the living (again, not people – emotional complexities aren’t only human) will them into existence. By exercising free will, it means enduring pain, one of Shinji’s, and again the audience’s greatest fears. Any relationship has pains and conflicts. This is all a buildup of free will, determinism, self-awareness, and the Hedgehog’s Dilemma. Understanding all of these means swallowing the “pain is inevitable” pill. The problem with much of us is that we like the idea of relationships rather than being in one. We want to feel validated but without the conflict, even if the conflict can be solved. We’re all Shinji because we’re all aware to life’s hellish catch-22s, so we run. There’s times in our lives where we run as far as possible from these woes, these truths, but there’s pain in running too. It’s why escapism seems like such a viable action for some of us.
Pain is inevitable, but pain can be mitigated.
More damning evidence to Shinji being a viewer stand-in lies in either endgame of Evangelion (pun intended). In EoE, after the Komm Susser Tod sequence of everyone on Earth being tanged, we’re treated to a shot of EoE’s live audience.
We hear Shinji’s voice about his reality while he talks to Rei toward EoE’s end. There are shots of the city, of people going about their daily lives cementing that this is about us. End of Evangelion shows us a less favorable side of Shinji, a departure from the lauded end series “Congratulations” scene, in which he does understand free will rather than perpetually dwell on negatives. Shinji reacts unfavorably toward Asuka in EoE after his mother’s speech to the audience that ‘anywhere can be paradise’ and Shinji stating he doesn’t know where his happiness resides. Shinji (We) still has a ways to go if he wants to be a better person.
It’s probably why many of us are either inclined to champion Shinji or harangue him, and either reaction is fair. Many of us are aware of audience surrogates, but never to this extent. Shinji isn’t his best person, but he can be. Being his best means self-reflection. Droves of people who first were exposed to Evangelion were teens, and again many of Shinji’s woes are specific yet so generalized, hence our feelings of defense and possibly disgust.
No one likes scathing, yet accurate call-outs on their person, but they’re paramount for us to understand ourselves and others.
VI. Abuse in Evangelion
One of the worst things recurring in all of original Evangelion is a bevvy of abuses.
Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and it’s many characters’ realities. Abuse happens not because the universe ‘wills it’ (determinism aka, ‘that’s just how people are’). Abuse, be it conscious emotional absence, actual neglect, among other ungodly acts fly though the cast.
Abuse is cyclical and a lot of those doing it often get away with murder because they have power.
Much of Eva is comprised of children being forced to sort through adults’ emotional baggage. Those children become adults and the cycle continues.
We all know a Gendo. Or even perhaps a Misato. Hell, even a Ritsuko.
Anno states that Gendo’s character is of a societal meta-text, which explains many viewers’ ire in relation to the character. He’s responsible for many of the seedy goings-on in Evangelion be it the financial (see: Jet Alone’s orchestrated out-of-control nature to give NERV more funding) or abuses (see: Rei, Shinji, Ritsuko, and, Naoko). It’s for this reason why Gendo’s actions are a sore spot for a lot of fans.
Anno: I’m not sure that it’s a real father [that Gendo represents]. Well, not a father in the sense of a parent with a blood relation to his child, but more, I think, [in the sense of being] a representative of society or the system. That’s why he has that expression.
Takekuma: So, he’s kind of amorphous.
Anno: The angels are the same. I made them appear amorphous in that way because, for me, society is unclear, the enemy is unclear.
Takekuma: Gendo is [a representation of] the boundries or the pressure of society itself.
Anno: That might be it. Perhaps Gendo is [a representation of] society itself.
http://wiki.evageeks.org/Statements_by_Evangelion_Staff
After many re-watches of certain Eva episodes, it just hit me, as I’m writing this why I’m sometimes apprehensive on an adult-exclusive lens of the show. This happens a lot in adolescence and our struggles are made trivial because of the mishandled baggage. As children, you’re meant to be subservient to parental whims. You have this sort of obligation to solve their problems. Give them closure. It doesn’t even need to be parental baggage, but just from adults in general. You see the way the adults act not just with the children but with each other. You see the way Gendo justifies neglecting Shinji, objectifying Naoko and Ritsuko or Naoko’s emotional absences as a mother to her daughter (also manifested through the MAGI). It’s these immature excuses as to why they can’t extend empathy to those around them.
It’s always excuses.
Eva’s original series has always been a show about children.
Tier 2: Just Below the Tip
VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene
VIII. Naoko + Casper
IX. The Other End of Existential Horror
VII. The Infamous Elevator Scene
The Elevator Scene is a sequence that sometimes gets glossed over due to Evangelion’s fleeting budget. It took me years to realize the true gravity of the awkward silence of both the 22nd episode and its Director’s Cut version. The Director’s Cut version has Asuka abruptly jerking in the silence, but that blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment speaks volumes. Understanding the scene means understanding why Asuka quietly stews in her anger. Understanding why Asuka stews means understanding Asuka from her debut to her emotional breakdown.
Asuka’s appearance in the 8th episode, Asuka Strikes!, is marked by a bold persona that carries on until the end. She isn’t shy on imparting her prowess to Shinji, stating that Units 00 as well as 01 were the prototype and the test type, respectively. Her Evangelion, Unit-02 is the finished product. She even states that she graduated from university. Despite these impressive feats so early in adolescence, the only time in which they’re noted is when Asuka talks of them. Misato takes in both Shinji and Asuka, but only ever “dotes” on Shinji. Gendo pays attention to Shinji because he pilots Unit-01, and 01 contains the soul of his late wife. Rei is the clone of Gendo’s late wife, hence Gendo’s attention and overall creepy, selfish obsession with her. Asuka and Shinji’s relationship, with Misato as their caretaker strongly mimics a Golden Child and the Second Fiddle. The only difference is, Shinji gains more attention due to Gendo’s and Misato’s respective baggage. Again, Eva is a series where children are forced to handle the baggage (with no break in the cycle) and when the child doesn’t have anything the adult particularly can clue in on, they become neglected.
That’s Asuka’s dilemma.
It’s why Asuka forces herself to grow up.
It’s why Asuka is driven to be competitive to Shinji and Rei, later growing contemptible at both.
Asuka suffers a few curses, one of which being the youngest, the inevitability of being consciously sidelined dawns on her, leading to her selfsame breakdown toward series’ end. She aligns youth with trivialization, so naturally, she’d front with the opposite. She never gets help in relation to her period. Misato and Ritsuko realize something is up with Asuka but they never really offer her the support.
There’s also the flashback to her trauma in episode 22’s beginning. She’s replaced by her mother post-Contact Experiment (which led to a deterioration of her mental health) via a doll that looks like her, red hair in pigtails. It’s the leading factor to her feigned boldness, her ego. The way in which she is marginalized in the series brings it all back.
Rei breaks the silence with a few words of compassion and all Asuka can do is express disbelief. She mistakes compassion for contempt.
For pity.
The idea that anyone would extend kindness, especially now of all times, is unbelievable.
Asuka also experiences a dilemma here, a dilemma those like her face. She already knows what it means to be vulnerable and deeply hurt, but she needs to make herself vulnerable because now, more than ever, she needs the support. Being vulnerable will cause past traumas to flood back in full force, but by stewing she deprives herself of any support. Rei offers that support, but a few words of support in a wave of trivialization can’t help but feel a bit too strange.
Asuka’s greatest anxiety is realized in the twenty second episode. It’s of being and staying second fiddle, that she’s always been set up to fail. Even 2 episodes after the fact, in which she actually starves herself does she realize once more how she’s permanently ‘below’ others.
Asuka’s curse finds itself in real life, and it’s for that reason why I believe some find themselves resonating with her. Asuka’s gradual descent into bitterness is something I find myself waking up some nights thinking about after 7 years going through Eva; hers is a cautionary tale on being emotionally distant to cries of a damaged youth. Casually imparted knowledge of past achievements, and the competitive attitude mixed with embitterment, some of which from a genuine place but also a product of neglect. We were forced to play second fiddle, we forced ourselves to grow up to feel more legitimate, forced to carry an ire that stews because it seems no one listens.
VIII. Naoko+Casper
The late Naoko Akagi is a woman of multitudes. Those multitudes are compartmentalized into the 3 MAGI. They are Balthasar, Melchior, and Casper.
Casper shows itself to be the most prominent aspect of Naoko’s personality, her as a woman. Ritsuko states that, after the defeat of Iruel, 11th angel, that Casper is the part of her mother which remained that way to the end.
Balthasar and Melchior have been bested, be it by rival MAGI, or Iruel’s assault. This calls back to the fact that Naoko’s other facets aren’t anywhere near as prominent. Naoko has cited her own emotional negligence, of only showing emotions should it ever benefit her.
Casper on 3 occasions fights tooth and nail, Iruel’s assault, an attack by multiple MAGI in End of Evangelion or the defiance of Ritsuko activating the self-destruct sequence. Ritsuko does this to seek vengeance against Gendo for coming to the immense realization that he never genuinely cared for her. Gendo has always used Ritsuko for her body. This would destroy NERV, meaning killing herself and Gendo.
Then you realize why Casper overrides the sequence.
Casper’s stubborn behavior wasn’t actually to defend NERV but to protect Gendo. Casper’s defiance aka Naoko’s emotional absence toward her daughter allowed Gendo to kill a bewildered, rightfully angered Ritsuko.
The saddest part of Casper’s, no, Naoko’s choice is that Naoko got away with murder. Evangelion is a story about children dealing with the selfishness of adults and the adults never receiving justice for their wrongdoings. The relationship between Ritsuko and Naoko is an excellent example that this doesn’t just implicate the young pilots. Ritsuko dies in End of Evangelion with the truth that her mother, as a woman, in the end chose the man who manipulated both of them.
IX. The Other End of Existential Horror
Some spend their whole lives trying to make a mark. Others can’t help but be known.
People get smart sometimes to get themselves out of a current situation. Kaworu and Rei’s existences are such that they’re deadlocked from living. Their existences are the product of an experiment, to be later heavily watched and raised as the Last Messenger. The latter is the result of Gendo’s obsession with his late wife.
Kaworu and Rei’s existential crises are opposite from the rest of the cast; while others do their damndest to become known, they cannot be unknown. Rei’s character centering more around her identity than other characters is also initially and sneakily alluded in the opening.
The Johari Window is a tool encouraging self-awareness in the person, alluded to twice in the show, with the second time being in the sixteenth episode. Both usages of that illustration, for Rei, and Shinji drive home crucial aspects of the meta-text.
This would also tie Rei to Shinji in End of Evangelion forcing Shinji to reflect on his own awareness and will. Rei is an astute, young girl whose arc is about her personal relationship with identity, something she is all too familiar with due to her objectified nature. Rei’s arc is even more so entrenched in identity than other characters that she is one of the characters imparting personal and universal realities.
Ayanami Rei’s existence from start to finish is inundated with the issues of others, causing her to internalize being always expendable. In Rei’s Poem in episode 14, it becomes clear that she sees herself based on usage. She likens herself to a field of flowers, which slyly alludes to the Dummy System’s “parts” 9 episodes later, other Reis.
Rei is seen as malleable vessel which houses thoughts rather than her own person and she can’t do anything about it. So she resigns to her reality. Even if she does tell off Gendo in End of Evangelion for his objectifying, she’s not even out of the woods. She never will be.
I used to think Rei’s “slap” to the face to the man with the (most) baggage was empowering. Then I learned about abuse during adolescence, how kids who lack a support system act while away from their abusers. Even saying an emphatic “fuck you” to your abusers isn’t enough to be a happy ending. Rei is a girl who lacks a support system and she suffers from it. Start to finish.
Kaworu’s crises are much trickier to pinpoint because there’s so little to work with. He doesn’t get an episode dealing with personal, subconscious explorations. Getting his character means first getting how Evangelion re-contextualizes what “Ode to Joy” symbolizes. It also means understanding the AT-Field and most people won’t pick that up on an initial foray. Or maybe even a second. Most people don’t pick up that the AT Field implicates anything living and physical or its metaphor for boundaries and identity. There’s the common misconception that Evangelion is a “human” show.
Kaworu marks off his appearance humming “Ode to Joy” while Shinji wonders who to turn to. It’s a song generally known for its jovial nature, but most importantly, Ode to Joy is:
known also as the “Choral” Symphony. Its finale is a musical setting of Friedrich von Schiller ’s “Ode to Joy,” a hymn to the unity and freedom of humanity.
http://www.dictionary.com/browse/ninth-symphony
The Choral Symphony assumes a more horrific context later on. Kaworu is the last messenger and what his action is would lead to the mass annihilation to lilin/human or angels. ‘Unity of man’ is changed in Eva’s context – it marks either unity of man or the death of man. It doesn’t matter who Kaworu allows unity to, because his hands would be stained with death anyway. Then you realize why Kaworu deploys his most powerful AT Field during his descent to Heaven’s Door.
This is his reality.
Kaworu’s status as the Angel of Free Will isn’t about him being the only complex angel, as a lot of people think. It’s about being the sole individual handing that freedom to others.
You realize his terrifying dilemma goes to the tune of being feared for his own existence as an angel (which he notes to Shinji) and not being able to properly live.
Sometimes you ”hurt” people by existing.
Sometimes people hate you for the simple act of existing.
Kaworu’s and Rei’s terror is the other end of existential horror, that you can’t help but forced to be known. Sometimes you have knowledge but aren’t allowed to do much with it.
Tier 3: The Body of The Iceberg
X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’
XI. Unit-01 Berserk Scene
XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS
XIII. Kaworu + Adam’s True Power
X. War Horrors of ‘Ambivalence’
Episode 18 is where anxieties graduate into horrors both implied and visceral. Unease hangs over the episode, with the mystery of Unit-04’s disappearance and tests being done on Unit-03. Misato tells Shinji that because tests would be done, there’d be a pilot there. Misato uneasily withholds this info from Shinji and Kensuke breaks the silence with his recurring desire of being a pilot, still ignorant of the war horrors. There’s a subtlety that Shinji picks up on with Toji but not enough to put two and two together: that the big-eater himself isn’t feeling so hot.
The continual chirp of cicadas and birds nor the peel of the school bell are enough to break the unease of the viewer or of Toji. Toji goes from indirectly being affected by war vs angels to being chosen, drafted even, a child at the first line of defense for the apocalypse. We get a flashback of him beating down Shinji, before it cuts back to present day Toji. He will be in Shinji’s shoes.
Toji balls a fist, a recurring theme in Eva, to the tune of “What is your hand for?” Toji is finally about to take things into his own hands.
Asuka takes a few cracks at Shinji to Hikari that he hasn’t quite gotten the memo, but when Shinji asks her even she’s halted in words.
Then the day comes.
Tests are being done and suddenly Unit-03 goes rogue with Toji in her (note the Evangelions have the souls of the pilots’ mothers, save for Rei). Unit-03’s’s strange behavior is revealed to be the work of the 13th angel, Bardiel. Shinji’s ignorance is made worse by Misato’s absence (with Misato telling Ritsuko she’d tell Shinji the pilot’s info after the tests). Units 00 through 02 are sent out for the new threat and Shinji sees this new threat. Anxiety rises.
The song “Marking Time Waiting for Death” accentuates the anxiety. Unit-03’s silhouette eerily contrasts with the sun, her body slightly hunched and approaching slowly.
Fear washes over Shinji when he deduces that with an Evangelion inside, there must be a pilot.
Yet he still doesn’t know.
The other pilots are aware, and show reluctance to the revelation. A hijacked Unit-03 sets herself on Asuka, Rei, and even strangling Shinji. Shinji allows the angel-hijacked-being to strangle him, because killing another human being is simply horrific.
Eva has its hand in the war morals cookie jar here because Shinji stands at a conundrum, to other let this creature take his life or to murder flesh and blood. This dilemma goes double-time in war. Gendo asks why Shinji hasn’t dealt with the 13th yet, with a somewhat horrified Shinji pleading about the pilot. Gendo commands for the unfinished Dummy System to override Shinji’s controls and then suddenly...silence….
The Dummy Controlled Unit-01 springs back and we’re treated to a close-up of Unit-03/Bardi3l being strangled.
A nauseating crunch sounds and the unit goes limp. A controlled Unit-01 proceeds to raise hell on the incapacitated enemy, resulting in the unit’s blood and guts flowing through the streets. NERV’s personnel can’t do anything save for become fearful at the Dummy System’s capabilities. Terrible, visceral noises sound one by one as blows strike, as the unit’s severed limbs and blood splatters riddle the urban battlefield. Shinji hears every second, every squelch and splat.
Imagine the pain of 03’s pilot.
But the terrors don’t cease here.
01 doesn’t stop at just raising hell on the incapacitated 03, and we’re treated to another close-up shot of 01 tightly holding onto 03’s entry plug, before crushing it.
Somewhere away, Misato receives news that Unit-03 has been dispatched as an angel. Shinji feels the weight of having actually killed someone, before Misato actually breaks the news that the pilot is not only alive but that the greatly injured pilot is his classmate.
It never really hit me until now how this scene holds another horrifying subtlety. Compare this to episode 3, where Toji’s first interaction with Shinji involved him punching him, the very scene playing at this episode’s beginning. The 18th episode ends now with ,Toji and Shinji are both joined in the same camp, of children emotionally and physically marred by war, not able to fully control their situations.
XI. Unit-01 Berserk Sequence
Shinji stands in a situation where he can no longer take the terrors aligned with the Evangelion. He’s gone from sustaining injuries great and small from combat with the eldritch angels, to indirectly harming a friend through it. He resigns from his position as a pilot, understandably running away even with the approach of the 14th angel.
After a talk with Kaji about how he can control his future and he only, Shinji once again puts himself at the forefront of further pains. He must once more thrust himself to the terrors that align with the war-machines whilst struggling with other traumas.
During his fight against Zeruel, his Evangelion dies out and it all floods back to him. Shinji once again finds himself at a position of no power, frantically pressing at his controls to no avail.
He can only hear blow after blow of the 14th’s onslaught. He and Unit-01 are at their most vulnerable.
Until Unit-01 springs back.
W hat follows is the famous Berserk sequence, a scene whose terror can be thanks to Evangelion’s low budget.
We see the Evangelion in all her terror and the sort of off-ness that carries in this scene.
Episode 19 has no problems on treating us to front-row tickets to terror.
Unit-01 snatches part of Zeruel’s appendage and adds it to her mass. A sickening squelch sounds and her new appendage contorts into place in an instant.
She moves over to her incapacitated, angelic meal and doesn’t hesitate to chow down. The shots feel too personal yet nowhere near in the sense of the show’s meta-textual reflections. It’s almost like stumbling on a cryptid and when she shoots a look at the viewer, it feels as if she’s looking at us, like we’ve interrupted her dinner. Or perhaps she did finish the meal... and she’s in the mood for seconds? Perhaps even thirds?
The bizarre and eldritch nature of the Evangelions goes full force with this imagery. Episodes 2 and 16 laid the foundation of how off the Evangelion Unit-01 was with how she openly mutilates her targets. Or even the unsettling roar of Unit-01 that’s not entirely bestial. The sound is straddles a line between the blood-curdling bestial and the human. But here? Eva Unit-01’s position, from her hunched figure, to her more feral position as she feasts, feels far too organic...and far too human.
The Evas themselves aren’t human, but the souls housed within are. Eva’s souls are souls of the respective pilots’ mothers, an example of the mother and child symbolism omnipresent in Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Shinji’s mother is Yui and as we go through the series, we realize the s2 engine appliance was intentional. An s2 engine offers infinite stores of energy and this is needed for Instrumentality. With the s2 engine within her grasp and the fact that Evas don’t subsist on anything, this would make the consumption of 14th completely recreational.
It’s super tempting to frame this scene as containing some abomination that now stands unchained and indiscriminate in its targets, but it isn’t. It’s sort of understandable because Units 00 and 02 don’t come close to exhibiting this sort of behavior nor were they in this circumstance. Neither Unit-00 nor 02 have any desires in regard to Instrumentality. In the end, we should look to Yui and her own endgame, because Yui’s running the show here.
XII. Dummy Plugs + CNS
Ritsuko states the Dummy Plugs are machines which imitate pilot’s thinking. There’s a bit more than the possibility of this being 100% AI due to the apparatus Rei is in.
This very likely implies the respective person’s thought processes added with AI programmed in a way which best “describes” the pilot (basically how they are perceived). In episode 17, Rei is situated in this apparatus strongly resembling the central nervous system, the brain and the spinal cord.
{The central nervous system CNS is responsible for integrating sensory information and responding accordingly. It consists of two main components:
1. The spinal cord serves as a conduit for signals between the brain and the rest of the body. It also controls simple musculoskeletal reflexes without input from the brain.
2. The brain is responsible for integrating most sensory information and coordinating body function, both consciously and unconsciously. Complex functions such as thinking and feeling as well as regulation of homeostasis are attributable to different parts of the brain.
https://mcb.berkeley.edu/courses/mcb135e/central.html
Ritsuko imparts the unsettling revelation about Rei and by extension the Dummy Plant itself (after Misato coerced her into learning about Rei). The Reis are the core of the Dummy Plugs (and the System used to brutalize a hijacked Unit-03 and its trapped pilot). This scene adds more to the extent of Rei’s objectification, of her being replaced. It adds on to Rei III’s comment of being ‘the third.’
Rei isn’t savage by any means but the sheer brutality of Dummy System’d Unit-01 5 episodes prior may hint at her straightforward nature.
I’d like to pitch that Ritsuko’s approach to Rei’s Dummy Data was also the product of her subtle animosity toward Rei. When she refers to the Dummy Plug as a machine which mimics human thinking, she’s talking about Rei. She also refers to her similarly in episode 23 by referring to Rei as spare parts, as if Rei herself is some soulless machine whose parts can be switched out if need be. This could also call back to Rei’s poem, in which she calls herself a vessel which holds human thoughts.
Another question remains: how does Kaworu play into this?
The MPEs (the Mass Production Evangelion series) use Kaworu’s Dummy data, meaning that there are cloned Kaworus stored off somewhere, perhaps floating with soulless smiles the same as Rei has.
Treated as spare parts.
This also implies that Kaworu is more or less reduced to an object.
What’s more disturbing is the nature of the MPEs gratuitous method of ravaging and mutilating Unit-02 and by extension Asuka.
Kaworu hasn’t ever demonstrated any degree of malice, so this can’t really insinuate a ‘Kaworu is secretly evil’ narrative. But this can tie back to a recurring theme of humans fearing and despising angels. It’s because of this that the revelation of our genetically identical nature or the fact that they can comprehend our psychology is framed in-show as kind of shocking. It is because we’re so disturbed at the angels’ existence (or anything else we don’t comprehend) that we view them as inherently savage in nature. Kaworu’s quick-to-perceive personality most likely translated itself along with the AI. This would also rule in the somewhat strategic way in which the MPEs act against Asuka, exploiting her attack patterns through surprise attacks.
Some of Kaworu’s as well as Rei’s Dummy Data are the product of universal (Kaworu) and personal (Rei) contempt by people. Let that sink in.
XIII. Kaworu’s + Adam’s True Power
The bottom of the fridge horror portion of this iceberg is something that has subtly plagued me for years. We’ve only ever caught glimpses of Kaworu’s abilities in his debut episode. I picked up on it little by little with each re-watch of the episode, with every other time his abilities dawning on me. If I wasn’t focusing on how his character fits in the greater framework of Evangelion, I was cluing in on his abilities.
One of his abilities is being able to block out light, magnetism, and subatomic particles. Some of the forces which make up the universe. This witnessed by the viewer when he realizes the whole of humanity’s welfare hangs by a thread, due to the coexistence of angels and Adam.
Adam.
Adam’s soul lies within Kaworu. Adam. Who utilized an Anti-AT Field which caused Second Impact. An Anti-AT Field, which killed off much of the Katsuragi Crew in Antarctica.
This makes Kaworu the most powerful angel in the original Evangelion series.
Eva has shown that ownership of an angel’s soul (or partially, if you’re onboard the Rei I is in Unit-00 theory) allows the person to inherit the angel’s abilities through Rei. Rei blocks off Kaworu’s immensely powerful field with one of her own, canceling out both as a result. As we know, AT Fields for people are a figurative affair. People lack the physiology to exhibit a physical AT Field because they don’t have cores like angels do. Angels’ souls when possessed by humans have a sort of ability to circumvent parts of human physiology (if you’re looking for the whole package, you should eat angel’s flesh too). Rei also shows the ability to float, implied in episode 24 and shown explicitly in End of Evangelion.
But this raises a few questions about the last messenger is the ability to block out some of the forces of the universe Adam’s powers or Kaworu’s? Another ability that continues to plague me the more I think about it is Kaworu’s AT-Field usage on Heaven’s Door to bypass its lock.
We haven’t actually seen Adam’s other powers (if the angel has any) because the it’s anti-AT Field was halted via Lance of Longinus. Other than its ethereal appearance in flashbacks, we only see an incapacitated Adam in embryonic form. That’s it. We don’t know if Adam exhibits any other powers due to this impediment. If Adam does have more powers, this would add onto both the fridge horror factor of Adam and Kaworu.
Tier 4: Pre-Abyss
XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens
XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates
XVI. Unit 01+ MPE Gorging Scenes
XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arka
XIV. The “Nihilist” Lens
There’s something that implicates the whole cast. Something that goes beyond the meaning of the AT-Field, and the all-too-known Hedgehog’s Dilemma.
Eva is filled to the very brim with psychological concepts, but there’s one thing which ties this all together. It goes much larger than the desire to become validated or cycles of abuse and unresolved issues to a newer generation.
Free Will Vs. Determinism ties the entire cast together and is disturbing in its own right. It not only ties the cast together but also contributes to Eva’s meta-narrative.
Episode 16’s sequence with Leliel, Shinji, and the Johari Window gives little breadcrumbs to this psychological dilemma. Leliel teaches Shinji about his own identity as well as slowly ushering him to a sense of self-awareness. Leliel also attempts to usher Shinji out of filtering reality with only convenient parts. Shinji argues that he can’t really be held culpable for his actions, because the one and only reality is that reality is awful, bar none. Not his reality, but reality as a whole. This deterministic stance becomes ever more blatant 8 episodes later with the appearance of Nagisa Kaworu.
Kaworu’s designation is the angel of free will. The irony of this stands in the fact that Kaworu isn’t the only angel who can exhibit free will (with some of the angels before him taking the time to try comprehending people). Kaworu’s status comes from his identity as the last messenger, bringing about freedom for one species (humans/lilin or angels) at the expense of the other. Kaworu knows his reality well and in the end, seeks to better the reality of those around him. Eva doesn’t romanticize the prospect of free will, however, because Kaworu is so aware of his own person and how he can hurt those around him that it greatly bothers him.
The metatext doesn’t just position Shinji as being in the wrong, but also the audience. Remember the point I made before about Shinji being the audience substitute? It’s further hammered home from the series’ tail end and into End of Evangelion.
“That’s just the way things are.” is a common response to things in life we feel resigned on changing, because we don’t know how to change them. This quote is a parallel to Shinji’s “humans aren’t made to float!” in episode 16.
Shinji does know how to change much of his reality, but by doing so he’d be pushed into free will. Free Will is the solution and it means holding yourself accountable rather than believe that it’s everyone else with the problem. With the idea that you can change your reality, it offers you the opportunity to love yourself.
If you love yourself, then it becomes much easier to love others.
Eva’s free will and determinism metatext hammers home the extension of empathy.
Shinji/the viewer’s greatest problem is that because we don’t love ourselves it makes it difficult to extend the love to everyone else. Shinji’s love translates as idealism. Because of his unhealthy idealism, he is hindered from understanding people.
By ascribing your beliefs from determinism to free will, it opens your mind to an entire world of possibilities, but therein lies the terror. It is because of these possibilities that Shinji and by extension, the viewer, likely fears free will. Shinji finds ways make himself validated, but with free will, the argument could be made that it doesn’t matter. There’s the anxiety-crippling likelihood that none of it actually matters, because your existence doesn’t matter. If we’re going on this bent, acts of making an adequate impression on others are acts of personal denial. In the end, these are what they are, possibilities.
The greatest terror of it all is that we don’t know.
User power-chords makes an excellent point about the inherent darkness of an internal locus of control.
User power-chords posits the idea of existential absurdity for Shinji not as a certainty but a possibility. There’s always a likelihood that our desires to comprehend the world around us, to find ultimate understanding are in vain.
Cheesy as it sounds, people fear ambiguity because we seek a satisfying end. We don’t just seek answers. We want outside closure and inner peace, but we won’t always get it. It’s why we rationalize relationships that end on bad notes. Sometimes you worry about your falling-outs...and it hurts. You never got the answers your wanted so this pain carries, for months, sometimes even for years. Dwelling on the issue serves no purpose other than to keep that hurt with you. The best thing to do sometimes is to find your own closure, your own meaning.
No, Evangelion isn’t actually pro-nihilism, but it presents us with that likelihood. That’s what makes this aspect of the narrative so terrifying: The consideration that we find meaning in the meaningless.
XV. The True Nature of Sync Rates
The nature of injuries and having them in adds onto the innate horror --be it war or otherwise-- and themes of the Evangelion. The severity of the injury is based on how high the pilot’s sync ratio is. An average rate while sustaining damage will bring hurt to the actual pilot in the respective spot. Some examples:
Sachiel makes multiple headblows to Unit-01 and Shinji in episode 2, causing head trauma.
Ramiel’s, (5th angel), particle beam attack in episode 6, an attack so severe that Shinji needed medical care.
Unit-00 and Rei being infected by a Bardiel hijacked Unit-03 in episode 18. Toji’s condition in episode 18 stands as a large example of the innately disturbing nature of sustained injuries.
Toji’s condition becomes all the more nauseating when you see Evangelion parts and blood flow through Tokyo-3.
Toji could feel every last second of strangulation, body blow, and feel the unspeakable pain of his arm being severed. Let that sink in.
Asuka receives the worst of these considering the nature of her sync rate being high. The higher the rate the more kept the damage is. The circumstances behind Asuka getting the worst of it goes back to the AT-Field. Asuka understood the meaning of the AT-Field, that the more you open yourself up to others, the more hurt you become. The realization dawns on Asuka as her mother from within the Evangelion shields her from the onslaught of JSSDF troops.
It’s then that Asuka finally comprehends what the Absolute Terror Field is. Despite her emotional needs being neglected, realizing she’s set up to fail, and going comatose she still goes on.
Asuka, despite everything, takes a chance and opens her heart knowing the double-edged nature of the AT Field. What happens next?
Asuka took a chance.
She opened her heart...
...and she got hurt all because she opened herself.
XVI. Unit 01+MPE Gorging Sequences
The brutality of both Unit-01 and the Mass Production Evas holds three layers: of visual horror, implied horror, and thematic horror. Unit-01, after taking Zeruel’s s2 engine into herself, proceeds to then brutalize the 14th angel by way of still gorging on it. The feeding was entirely recreational considering Evangelions don’t subsist on food to function. This was more about the sheer act of brutality for brutality’ sake.
The Mass Production Evas also fall under this category, the way in which they deal with Asuka after incapacitating her with a replicated Lance of Longinus is also sadistic and gratuitous. They also proceed to gorge on Asuka, her fate made worse through the simple fact that her sync rate is heightened.
The MPEs don’t even swiftly finish her off. She is in a state of tremendous and unimaginable pain. They fly above her slowly, circling above her mangled Eva.
They are almost mocking her as she can do nothing, save for writhe. Asuka’s seething, repeated “I’ll kill you...I’ll kill you….” is then silenced by the MPEs spearing her down.
The brutality doesn’t end there, as we see much darker implications of the damage sustained toward the end of the first half of End of Evangelion.
Shinji bears witness to the implications after seeing the decimated remains of Unit-02 being carried off by some of the Mass Production Units. The sickening reality of it all dawns on him and he is once more exposed to the woes of war and the nightmarish aspect tied of the Evangelions.
XVII. Ancient Ruins of Arqa
We’re ending the pre-abyssal end of the iceberg with Evangelion’s original proposal.
Eva’s proposal, a far cry to the show today, had a more sci-fi angle to it. Psychological concepts weren’t exactly pitched nor was it self-aware. The angels weren’t even referred to as the angels, but as the Apostolos. Instead of the 18 we were presented with in the original show and the movies, there were 28 Apostolos.
The Apostolos designs stand as testament to how far of a departure the proposal was to the final cut. They look far more menacing than the more amorphous, much softer defined, beady-eyed angels we’re used to. To top it all off, the Apostolos were the de facto villains of Evangelion’s prototype pitch. The Apostolos in the Proposal, toward the end, proceed their onslaught as a group rather than the series’ one by one. Toward the series’ end, the 12 strongest Apostolos begin their assault on North America, annihilating the continent in its entirety.
Only 12 of the creatures laid waste to a singular continent.
Episode 24: "Now, the Promised Time"
Rei breaks down. Her secrets are revealed. At last awakened, the twelve strongest Apostolos descend from the Moon. Both Eva Unit-06 and the American continent vanish completely. Humans acknowledge their helplessness in the face of the Apostolos' crushing power. The promised time, when people will return to nothing, approaches. A human drama in the depths of despair.
Episode 25: "Arqa, the Promised Land"
The laboratory holds the ancient ruins of Arqa, which have become key. In order to stop the twelve Apostolos, the United Nations' head members annul the Human Instrumentality Project and resolve to destroy the Apostolos. Shinji's father objects. Shinji and the others stay at the laboratory for Rei. A drama of people conflicting over incongruous objectives.
https://wiki.evageeks.org/Resources:Neon_Genesis_Evangelion_Proposal_(Translation)
The aforesaid creatures were so powerful in the original pitch that Human Instrumentality and the ancient ruins of Arqa would be the way of stopping the onslaught.
Tier 5: The Abyss
XVIII. Split Second Misato Death
XIX. Humans Are The Villains in Eva
XX. The Ultimate Paradox
XVIII. Split Second Misato Death
As the last and most explicit aspect of original Evangelion, it would only make sense that EoE specific content would take its place in Tier 5. End of Evangelion is a 90 + minute tour de force with disturbing imagery back-to-back. Split Second Misato Death refers to one of the most unsettling images sprinkled all throughout the movie. Here are a few of the many examples of EoE’s building up on Evangelion’s ugliest parts.
Everyone cites the infamous hospital scene not even 5 minutes into the film as the first proof, but user power-chords has pointed out, Shinji has actually attempted suicide (refer to the ‘Free Will v. Determinism’ part of the iceberg.)
After Misato is mortally wounded and sends Shinji off in an elevator not long after, the JSSDF blow up that part of NERV. A few people have pointed out the most disturbing facet of this scene: through freeze-framing that you can actually see Misato’s body during.
The JSSDF scene partway through End of Evangelion in which NERV personnel are summarily annihilated.
For those missing the small detail of Shinji’s attempted suicide ,Shinji’s depressed state is made more clear when the JSSDF locate him. When they do they attempt to kill him execution style. Shinji doesn’t move.
“I don’t want to die…!” during the JSSDF’s assault, Asuka is awoken from comatose state. She is protected by her mother via an AT-Field by Unit-02. She gains back her self-preservation after this realization, and multitude of images play. One of them is an extremely gruesome close-up of Asuka’s face. (extreme body horror warning, proceed with caution)
The Komm Susser Tod scene beginning with Shinji strangling Asuka in harsh coloring, Naoko’s same action toward Rei plays right after. A few disturbing child drawings follow after, predominantly featuring death. (seizure warning, body horror warning)
End of Evangelion’s flooring nature comes from the fact that it builds up on the subtly horrific and makes these terrors explicit. Whatever existed beyond closed doors becomes now available for us to see,
XVIII. Humans Are The Villains in Eva
At the penultimate point of the abyss lies a horror as old as much of time. Of the humane being more disgusting than the monsters.
That we can be monstrous.
This fact becomes known with the appearance of the JSSDF as dispatched by SEELE, methodically mowing down NERV personnel with little to no weaponry of their own. We’re treated to NERV’s personnel in their hallways, some forced with the moral dilemma of leaving their own to die while surviving or helping their own while both end up being gunned down.
It becomes apparent that SEELE has been gradually, intentionally chipping away at NERV’s Defense Budget, getting rid of the (little) competition they have after the defeat of the Last Messenger.
There’s a degree of contempt and casual sadism that comes with how they kill the personnel. In one instance, a NERV worker surrenders to the JSSDF, before being killed off in execution style in the distance (one headshot plus two extra shots for good measure).
When you look back at it, this sort of sheer, unabashed brutality wasn’t felt about the angels. Human attitude about the angels is largely fearing, anxious. This attitude accentuated itself through a sometimes nervous soundscape. Of observing these weird, ghastly creatures as they creep and swim. And the feeling’s mutual. The problem is that we don’t know.
But here? We do know.
When the JSSDF move in, the anxiety of angels graduates to the full-force dread of creatures that have killed before. The greatest enemy to humanity has always been with them all along, forcing them to a catch-22. The dread falls on Maya because she understands this perfectly. NERV has only ever shot at targets rather than living flesh…
...and SEELE knows this.
SEELE’s slow, but sure suppression of NERV’s budget is kicking a man while he’s down, but the man in question is a child instead. The JSSDF have more than enough firepower, calling it overkill goes beyond an understatement.
The JSSDF demonstrate the lack of remorse further with the discovery of Third Child, Shinji Ikari. One of the members presses the barrel to Shinji’s head before Misato steps in and kills the members.
The JSSDF isn’t the only damning evidence of how ugly members of humanity can be, however.
Humanity’s on-occasion grossness shows itself in small ways throughout the series, in dislike and conscious emotional distance for individuals, or beliefs of the angels being unintelligent and/or savage. Other times it manifests fiscally, in orchestrating more ethical approaches to stopping certain destruction to go seemingly haywire in order for NERV to receive more funding. This all due to a rival company of NERV challenging the very idea for its usage of child soldiers.
The worst of this damning fact is that many of the morally repugnant members exist on a higher echelon of society. There are Gendos running around, doing as they so please and they’re the tip of their echelon iceberg.
XIX. The Ultimate Paradox of Evangelion
“Anywhere can be paradise as long as you have the will to live.”
We’re treated to these words as Shinji finds himself on shores surrounded by an isolate hellscape, with Asuka next to him. The strange and altogether horrific nature of End of Evangelion has gotten fans believing on End of Evangelion’s endgame was in certain, nihilistic. But Eva dipping its hand in the likelihood of meaning in the existentially meaningless isn’t even the ultimate terror of Eva’s self-aware universe, nor is it the tendency for man to become contemptible towards itself.
Evangelion greatest terror is the paradoxical nature of free will.
Yui’s words to her son as she drifts off into the ever-expanding cosmos, her status as a deity realized, is that paradise is universal. EoE assumes this unconventionally positive approach to a whole series worth of characters’ woes. The issue is: finding paradise is ultimately conditional.
Free Will’s paradoxical nature is what gives credence to the ongoing Free Will vs. Determinism dilemma. People can use their free will to take away yours entirely and this is most evident with Rei. Her existence is the result of a man’s unhealthy attachment to his wife, her lack of self-preservation the result of being conditioned as a multi-purpose vessel; her desire to merge with Lilith to become an omnipresent mother-figure was not hers. The nature of disallowing free will exists on a spectrum, as people can use their free will not to take away the whole of others’ freedoms, but to disallow them proper emotional growth. The adults around Asuka weren’t around for her during the series, leading to her eventual downfall.
Unit-01, throughout much of the second part of EoE holds the power to give or deny people’s physicality due to her status of having both Fruits of Life (the s2 engine held by angels) and Wisdom (from the Lance of Longinus merged with the Eva earlier on). This gives Unit-01 her deity status and while within Lilith-Rei, Shinji realizes that not everyone would be there in his life, that he can’t be in the center of others’ lives. It’s for that reason why he denies people’s physicality (“They can all just die.”), which turns people into LCL.
Shinji gives allows people the ability to come back from Instrumentality after realization arises that without other people, there’s no way to tell if Shinji, himself exists or not. Kaworu and Rei also give him the reality that with people back, pain will become an inevitability once more. With all the souls gathered by Lilith-Rei, they are released after her death.
With the souls of those cast into Instrumentality dispersed, those turned into LCL now hold the ability to come back from Instrumentality if they so choose.
While the idea of anywhere being paradise rings true, it’s not entirely satisfying to say that EoE is unconventional in its uplifting message to the viewer. Evangelion is at its core a cautionary tale. It warns the viewer into extensions of empathy and openness that others would properly live. This goes double for those with power. Without that compassion, we’ll have Asukas, Misatos, Ristukos, as well as Reis, those in the world whose downfalls come from emotional absences, neglect, objectification, and forced baggage. We would have Shinjis, those wanting to be at the nexus of others’ importance because they were deprived while young.
Kindness is a powerful thing and the lack of compassion present in all of Eva implicates most everyone. It leads to yet more abusive cycles, with the only thing breaking that cycle being a hand for those in need.
XX. Conclusion
What more can be said over this juggernaut which is a host to a bevvy of darkness? Evangelion is testament that anxieties and horror don’t need to start out as blatantly shocking or visceral to make an impact years down the line. They also don’t need to be out in the open to initially hook you either. You pick up on a few anxieties as well as horrors and you realize deep down, there must be more, which drives many of us to engage in this often times unabashedly dark source material.
Some of us are doing it later in the throes of adolescences, others are doing so well into their 20s, possibly dipping into their 30s. Point is, it draws in a lot of us and for a lot of us, it doesn’t ever let go.
Some of its charm could be chalked to the visceral ways in which characters interact. Even after years of re-watches, I’m still learning new things about the child soldiers, and I’m quite sure there’s others finding small details. There’s also the possibility of Eva’s approach to terror. I think Evangelion “humanized” its horror. It didn’t make horror a universally human feeling, but made it so that the true big bads looking to cause apocalypse weren’t actually the eldritch. Many of the angels are more or less lost kids looking for their mother (I still think Ramiel’s “singing” in episode 5 was it calling for its mother!).
With those newer details after 20+ years, there will be more added to the iceberg. Hell, there should be more added to the iceberg. This iceberg is the tip of an even greater iceberg. I’m still learning about their adults and their desires as well, how cyclical their actions are. For others, the draw-in factor lies in its low budget. Personally, it’s all of these for me: the low budget helped cement these darker aspects of the series due to horror and the genre’s overall relationship with limitation. It works best on limitation and had Eva worked with a much higher budget, I don’t think the content would be as effective, or perhaps it’d be much more difficult to make it so.
Evangelion is such a well-done, deceptively compact series that each lens a fan assumes has its own interesting rabbit hole. Your circumstance shapes the experience, and this too involves how you navigate the series’ menagerie of terrors.
I’d also like to thank the reader for getting through the largest rabbit hole in Evangelion. I’d also like to thank you for getting through the whole of this meta from a fan who slowly began to resonate with the characters as the years went on!
#neon genesis evangelion#shinji#kaworu#asuka#rei#seizure warning#body horror warning#suicide mention#correct me if im wrong#credit goes to twitter user decoratedboar for the iceberg picture help#and fixes
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You Shouldn't Be This Cool
A/N: Something purely self indulgent to kickstart this Obey Me writing blog. The idea mostly belongs to @warm-meelk because of how they drew their MC playing bass and then sprinkled in the fact that Levi would be the pianist and I just kinda...went from there q wq. And I also play bass so...all the more reason to write this!
Warnings: Levi trying to justify some of his more weird actions while MC seems to not only know...but enjoy the attention.
Levi wasn’t a creep, he was passionate.
He was passionate about TSL, he was passionate about anime, he was passionate about his idol groups and he was even passionate about learning new skills in order to better evolve himself into an ultimate fan.
So what he did today was not because he was a creep!
It was because he was passionate.
“Can you play that for me again, Levi?”
The third born tucks his feet on his chair, sipping up the noodles of his second cup of ramen as he watches the video feed from this afternoon. He smiles as the camera zooms in on your fingers, each one plucking the string of your bass absentmindedly while you listen to the melody he had composed.
As a TSL fan, he was ‘in the know’ of most TSL fan events whether they were held in the Devildom or in the human world. If they were worth the trouble he would attend and if it seemed like it was just a repeat fan event for one he already attended then he would just get the merch from the safety and comfort of his room.
Yet a completely new fan event had popped up on his radar one day, an online one.
One that challenged each and every TSL fan to create a song dedicated to their favourite lord.
Levi doesn’t remember much after that announcement, all he remembers is knocking on your door at devil knows what hours of the morning and shoving the music sheets in your face while pleading for you to help him out.
Your musical talent wasn’t hidden in the House of Lamentation. While most of the brothers could boast about having pretty decent singing voices or being ‘okay’ at certain instruments, your ‘weapon’ of choice was perhaps the most random but also well fitted instrument for someone like you.
You played the bass.
If he wanted to get specific, you played the TCB1006 Ibanez electric bass. You had mentioned in passing when you and him had met up to start ‘jamming’ out and Levi had retained that fact along with his hundreds of other facts that had to do with your particular interests and likes.
Again, because he was passionate...about your friendship.
The camera zooms out to film both of you, a happy giggle taking him over as he saw just how chill you looked.
How unfair was it that out of all the instruments you could play, you had to play the one that just made you look even cooler?
You were laying in his tub while he sat on the very chair he was sitting on now, plucking strings seemingly at random but humming some bars and trying to fit them with his melody. Your feet were propped up on the edge and the soft brown color of the guitar meshed so well with the glowing blue lights of his room that he is so glad he picked this spot for his hidden camera because you looked ethereal.
“I still can’t believe you composed this. It’s pro-level.”
“H--Ha! Of course! This is nothing but a piece of cake for me! If it's about the Third Lord and Henry then I’m all over it!”
Eyes take in the way you sit up and position your bass higher, fingers having a better reach as you start to ‘slap’ the strings in order to create a more wavy and deeper sound.
“Okay...I think I got it. Can you play the melody from the beginning?”
Oh here it was.
Sitting up, Levi puts his cup noodle down and grabs the nearby music sheets, pen already in hand as his attention on you becomes laser focused.
The beat you play is, well, playful. It is a high contrast to his almost operatic piano melody and he could almost hear himself playing a bit slower as if wondering if you had even heard what he was playing
“Uh MC…?"
“Trust me.”
Levi bites his lip as he feels his heart skip a beat, not even having to look at the screen to see that he was blushing. His past self was so predictable…
Although wasn’t his present self all the more pathetic for reacting to your words a second time?
He’d rather not think about it too much.
Your purpose had come shining through the moment Levi started to really hear the notes you were playing. It was almost as if you were mimicking Henry’s character with the bass. Cool, collected and eager to learn more about the world he had been thrusted into, your bass managed to capture the curiosity of Henry’s while his piano clearly symbolized the shy but deadly Third Lord.
The bass would go high, the piano would go low but as the melody started to harmonize so did the way your playing did with his. It was if he was the Third Lord, shyly peeking at the way Henry interacted with the world around them…
Only to turn around and invite him to join along.
His eyes go up to the screen.
You looked so happy, your fingers plucking away as he continued playing along with you. Your eyes turn to look at him and he almost wants to punch his past self in the face for not looking back. The camera had been perfectly placed to capture the way you tilt your head as you stare at him, chuckling as he clearly gets far too into the music for his own good.
To miss such an exclusive UR moment from you, he should be ashamed of himself.
“Haha. Thank the devil I came up with this camera idea!”
Levi blinks as he looks around, coming face to face with his beloved Henry as the fish stares at him from his bowl.
“...don’t look at me like that, Henry…”
The fish blinks.
“I wasn’t doing it to be a creep! I just wanted to write down the notes MC played before I forgot them.”
Henry’s mouth opens and then closes.
“And see! I even missed such exclusive moments from them! Look!”
He pauses the video and turns the screen so his fish can take a better look.
“5:06. I even timestamped it. Right here, MC is smiling and looking at me so cutely that it would be almost a sin to not record it!”
His fingers tap a couple of keys as he goes back to another point of the video.
“3:58, they smile and do such a cool trick with their fingers that I didn’t even notice that they stick their tongue out whenever they get too into playing! Do you see that Henry?”
A couple more taps as he keeps the video playing, the goldfish swims close to the edge of the bowl.
“I missed so many great moments all because I was so lost in playing! And I just didn’t want to ask them if I could record them because then they might think I’m using the footage for some sort of weird purpose and I would never do something like that to them! My Henry is far too amazing for me to just watch them one time! I just wanted to make sure of the notes they were playing! This is all for passion--!”
“Levi?”
He stops talking as he looks back at the screen, Henry swimming away while Levi tuned into the video once again.
“Was that good? I don’t know why but having the bass go a bit higher as I mute the strings feels almost like--”
“Like a conversation! It’s like the instruments are talking!”
Okay maybe this camera idea wasn’t the greatest after all, that was such a stupid thing to say and if he could go back and just slap the words out of his very mouch, he would.
Yet once again, his MC showed just why they were at the top of their ‘favourites’ list.
“Yeah! Like a convo!”
The conversation dissolves into randomness as Levi sighs and looks down at his sheet music. He only got a few notes down. Devildom, what was the point of having perfect pitch if he didn’t use it all the time? He straightens his screen out as he grabs a pencil instead of a pen, knowing full well that if he wanted to get this done he would have to rely on listening to you play and not looking at the screen.
If he finished this quickly then he would be able to stare at yo--it...he would be able to stare at it the rest of the night.
He goes to rewind the video but stops when he notices the scenery has changed just a tiny bit. You were out of his bathtub and looking at his aquarium, tapping the wall twice as some of his other fishes came up to greet you.
They were already so accustomed to you that he was sure even Lotan would know who you were.
Your attention goes from his aquarium wall to his computer, looking at all of his figurines and other merch he proudly showed off. A few more steps to the right and you were looking at his bookshelf--
Only for your eyes to lock with his.
He rolls his chair back immediately, his heart dropping to his feet as you reach out to the camera and pluck it from its hiding place.
No. No no no nononononononono!
This was it. You were done with him. Levi didn’t have a lot of friends but he knew that this was probably a friendship ender. His pupils contract as he sees you look at the camera with a confused look, already guessing your thoughts before you could vocalize them.
This weirdo was filming me the entire time. And he was hiding the camera? Disgusting. I’ll make sure to never come by his place again. What an absolute creep.
“MC...I didn’t--”
His jaw clicks shut as small tears gather at the corners of his eyes, not yet falling down his cheeks as he sees you smile and wave at the camera.
What--?
“Levi. If you wanted to film you didn’t really have to hide it. I want something to remember this session too. Next time you can just ask~”
You wink and Levi can feel his heart going from the floor all the way to his throat.
“Oh and send me a text when you have the footage ready. We can watch it together.”
He lets out a breath he didn’t know he had been holding as you place the camera back before his voice rings out from the video, exclaiming about all the snacks he had brought. So that’s why he had found you standing up, and here he thought you were leaving…
Send you a text...the footage…?
His hands scramble to his phone as he quickly enters the passcode, blushing as he sees a new message from you.
“Mind if I come over again? I have a new bassline I want to show off.”
Levi puts the phone down slowly before getting up---
Only to immediately fall down, hands over his face as he curled up on the floor.
Of all the characters he thought he would be in a shoujo, the last one he thought he would end up as is the heroine.
Not that he was regretting it, this was perhaps the best outcome that had happened in his now not so miserable life.
#obey me#obey me shall we date#obey me leviathan#obey me mc#obey me levi x reader#//*holds levi*#//I just think he is neat q wq
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Stiles- If I Can’t Have You, No One Can (Obsessed Part 4)
A/N: When I was initally writing this series I had a set plan for where I wanted it to end and how. I was recently rewatching the last few episodes of season 2 and I got struck with some inspiration. Let me know down below if you guys want a part 5 so I can continue the series!
TRIGGER WARNING: Stalking, kidnapping
Here are the links for Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3.
“Right there!” Stiles cried, frantically gesturing toward the computer screen on his dad’s desk. “Stop! Stop! See? There he is again.”
They were scrolling through hours of security footage recorded at the hospital the night one of Matt’s victims was killed. So far, all they had managed to capture were shots of him with his back turned. This tape was no different.
“You mean there’s the back of his head again,” the Sheriff told him.
“Okay, but look. He’s talking to someone!”
Scott followed Stiles’ gaze. His eyes widened. “He’s talking to my mom.”
He hastily pulled out his phone out of his jeans and called his mom, hoping she would be able to confirm that it was Matt. Stiles tapped his foot nervously as they talked. His shoulders slumped in relief when he heard her say that Matt was the one she had seen.
“Alright,” the Sheriff said when she hung up. He picked up a manila evidence folder from his desk.
“We’ve got shoe prints alongside the tire tracks at the trailer site...”
“And if they match, that puts Matt at the scene of three murders,” Stiles said. “The trailer, the hospital, and the rave.”
“Actually four,” the Sheriff told him, flipping through the documents in the folder. “A credit card receipt for an oil change was signed by Matt a few hours before the murder.”
Stiles let out a sigh of relief. “Alright, Dad, if one’s an incident, two’s a coincidence, and three’s a pattern, what’s four?”
“Four’s enough for a warrant.”
Stiles curled his fist in triumph. “We can find Y/n.”
“Scott, call your mom back. See how quickly she can get here. If I can get an official ID, I can get a search warrant. Stiles, go to the front desk. Tell them to let Scott’s mom in when she gets here.”
“On it.” Stiles nodded hastily and turned down the hall.
His whole body was humming with adrenaline now. He had spent the whole night terrified, wondering what Matt was doing to you. Stiles knew you were probably betting on the fact that they would find you. After all, it was what he would have done in your situation.
You have saved each other plenty of times before, and now it was his turn again. He knew he could do it, he just wasn’t sure what Matt would do to you in the meantime.
Stiles had tried his best to protect you, but he knew it hadn’t been enough. He should have pushed harder when he suggested you go to the police the other night. He should have kept a closer eye on you at the party, but he had been too caught up in his own issues.
He tried to shake off those thoughts as he walked down the halls of the station, telling himself that he still had time to make up for it. He had told you the other night that everything he did was to keep you safe, and that was still true.
As he rounded the corner of the hall, Stiles realized that the officer on duty was no longer standing at the front desk.
“Hello?” he called, looking around for her.
That was when he noticed her black combat boot sticking out from behind the corner of the desk. He felt a shiver run down his spine, and he realized she was lying on the floor among a mess of fallen papers. Her eyes were wide open, but they weren’t moving, and her tan uniform was stained dark red with blood.
She was dead, but as Stiles took in the horrific sight, he also noticed another chilling detail. The holster on her hip was empty. Someone had taken her gun.
Stiles stumbled back, turning around, only to come face to face with you.“Y/n?”
Tears were slipping from your eyes, and your lip was trembling. You looked terrified, standing there in your disheveled dress. It was the same one you had been wearing at the party last night.
Matt was standing behind you, one hand one your shoulder as he pressed the dead officer’s gun into your back.
“If you make one move I’ll shoot her,” he told Stiles.
Stiles reluctantly held up his hands. “Okay. Okay, fine.”
“I’m sorry,” you mouthed, but he shook his head. You had to know this wasn’t your fault.
Matt kept the barrel of the gun pressed against your back as Stiles led you further into the station. He turned into his dad’s office, and you realized that the Sheriff and your brother were also there.
“Y/n!” Scott cried.
He started forward, but Matt ordered him to stop, waving the gun so he and the others could see it.
“Matt,” the Sheriff said slowly. He held up his hands.
“It’s Matt, right? Matt, whatever’s going on, I guarantee there’s a solution that doesn’t involve a gun.”
Matt’s lips curled into a sick grin. “You know it’s funny you say that, because I don’t think you’re aware of just how right you are.”
“I know you don’t wanna hurt people-”
“Actually, I wanna hurt a lot of people. You four weren’t on my list, but I could be persuaded...and one way is to try calling somebody on your cell phone like McCall is doing.”
Scott ripped his hand out of his pocket, looking between you and Stiles apologetically.
“That...that could definitely get someone hurt.”
“Everyone?” Matt gestured with the gun, and you knew he was telling them to give up their phones. “Now!”
“Come on,” the Sheriff told the boys calmly.
Stiles looked back at you.
“Pretty sure he tossed mine out the window last night,” you muttered.
Matt led the four of you to the tiny jail at the back of the station. There, he made Stiles handcuff his dad to a bench. You felt your stomach drop. Now the three of you were completely on your own with Matt.
He waved the three of you in front of him and forced you to walk up to the front of the station. As you passed by another hallway, you gasped.
Three other officers were lying in the hallway and all of them appeared to be dead. Their chests had been ripped open so forcefully that every wall around them was splattered with blood.
You looked away, fighting the urge to vomit.
“What, are you gonna kill everyone in here?” Scott demanded.
“No,” Matt said with a scoff. “That’s what Jackson’s for. I just think about killing them...and he does it.”
He forced you back into Stilinski’s office, where he made Stiles log into his dad’s computer. Matt had him delete every bit of evidence, including the video footage of him at the hospital. Scott was destroying the paper evidence in the shredder, including the shoe prints that would have matched Matt’s boots.
Stiles glared at Matt from behind the desk, wanting to rip him apart as he stroked his fingers down your hair. He had forced you to sit next to him on the couch, and you were currently staring intently at the tiled floor.
Stiles had already seen the bruises Matt had left on your throat. The only thing keeping him from jumping across that desk was the knowledge that Matt would have Jackson rip all of you to pieces at a moment’s notice.
“Deleted,” he told Matt bitterly, gesturing toward the computer. “And we’re done. So, Matt, since all the people you brutally murdered deserved it, because they killed you first-whatever that means-we’re good here, right? I’ll just get my dad and we’ll go. You know, you continue on the whole vengeance thing, enjoy the Kanima.”
Before he could respond, the glow of headlights swept through the windows. You could hear tires crunching on the gravel of the parking lot outside.
“Sounds like your mom’s here,” Matt told you and Scott.
“Matt, don’t do this,” you begged.
“When she comes to the door, we’ll just tell her to leave,” Scott added. “I’ll tell her we didn’t find anything! Please, Matt.”
The sound of the metal door creaking open echoed through the station, and Matt grinned. “If you don’t move now, I’m gonna kill Y/n first, and then your mom.”
He pressed the gun up against your back, and Scott glared at him. Matt pulled you up by the back of your dress and gestured for Scott and Stiles to go first.
“Open it,” he ordered Scott, when you had made your way back to the front lobby.
“Please,” Scott begged one more time.
“Open. The. Door,” Matt told him, enunciating each word carefully.
Scott reached out, shaking his head regretfully. When he turned the knob, the door slowly creaked open to reveal the person standing there. It wasn’t your mom, but Derek Hale.
“Oh thank god,” Scott breathed.
But Derek simply stared at him. Then, he pitched forward and slammed straight onto the floor below. Jackson was standing behind him, half transformed. He held up one scaly hand, still dripping with clear venom, and stalked into the lobby.
Matt walked over and knelt in front of Derek, flipping him on his back. He was now completely paralyzed.
“This is the one controlling him?” Derek asked from the floor. “This kid?”
“Well, Derek, not everyone’s lucky enough to be a big, bad werewolf.”
Matt straightened up, glancing between you, Scott, and Stiles. “That’s right! I’ve learned a few things lately. Werewolves, hunters, kanimas...it’s like a freakin’ halloween party every full moon.”
He smirked. “Except for you Stiles. What do you turn into?”
Stiles glared at him.
“Abominable snowman,” he snarked. “But it’s more of, like, a wintertime thing. You know...seasonal.”
Matt rolled his eyes, and in seconds, Jackson was swiping his claws across the back of Stiles neck.
“Hey!” you cried.
“Bitch,” Stiles swore at Matt, before his knees went out from under him. He crashed onto the ground, right on top of Derek’s chest.
“Get him off of me,” Derek growled.
Matt laughed. “Oh, I don’t know, Derek. I think you two make a pretty good pair. It must suck though, having all that power taken away from you with just a little cut to the back of the neck. I bet you’re not used to feeling this helpless.”
Derek glared up at him from the floor. “Still got some teeth. Scoot down here a little closer, huh? We’ll see how helpless I am.”
“Yeah, bitch.”
Stiles’ voice was muffled from being facedown against Derek’s chest, but you couldn’t help but smile.
For the second time that night, headlights flashed through the windows of the sheriff’s station. You could hear another car pulling to a stop outside.
“Is that your mom?” Matt asked. “Do what I tell you to, and I won’t hurt her. I won’t even let Jackson near her.
“Scott, don’t trust him,” Stiles mumbled into Derek’s shirt.
Scott remained frozen in front of the door, but Matt was impatient. He reached forward, snatching you by your hair and tugging you back against him. He wrapped his arm around your neck, squeezing against your windpipe and cutting off your breath.
“This work better for you?” he asked Scott.
You reached up, scratching at his arms, but he didn’t even flinch.
“Okay, stop, just stop,” your brother begged.
“Then do what I tell you to!” Matt spat.
“Okay, alright, stop!”
Matt finally let you go, right as you were on the verge of blacking out. You hit the floor on your hands and knees, gasping and dizzy from the lack of oxygen.
“You,” Matt said, gesturing to Jackson. “Take them in there. You two, with me.”
He yanked you up off the ground by your arm, and gestured for Scott to open the door as Jackson hauled Derek and Stiles out of the lobby.
When the door finally opened, Matt pulled you behind the corner of the hallway. You could hear the door squeaking open, and your mom asking “Scott?”
You were trembling as Matt held you back against his chest. What would he do to your mom?”
“You scared me,” you heard her say. “Where is everyone?”
That was when Matt shoved you out in front of him. Your mom gasped your name. As far as she had known, you were still missing.
When she saw Matt come out behind you and press the gun against your back, she froze.
“Mom,” Scott told her nervously. “Just do what he says. He promised he wouldn’t hurt you.”
“He’s right,” Matt agreed.
Then, he raised the gun, and shot Scott in the stomach. You and your mom both screamed, but as she rushed forward, Matt pointed the gun at you.
“But I didn’t say I wouldn’t hurt him.”
Scott was holding himself up using the wall, just barely managing to not fall to his knees. He had one hand pressed against his side, and blood was beginning to pool through his shirt. You knew he would heal from the gunshot wound, but your mom didn’t.
She tried to step forward, but Matt waved the gun.
“Back! Back!” he ordered.
“Mom,” Scott choked. “Mom, do it. Please mom.”
You could hear Stiles' dad from all the way at the back of the station. He had undoubtedly heard the gunshot.
“Matt! Matt, listen to me-!”
“Shut up!” Matt roared. “Shut up! Everybody shut the hell up!”
He gestured to Scott before training the gun back on you. “Get up, or I shoot your sister next.”
“Please,” your mom begged. Tears were running down her cheeks. “He needs to see a doctor.”
Matt tilted his head. “You think so?”
“It’s alright,” Scott insisted. “I’m okay.”
“No, sweetie, you’re not,” your mom insisted.
She began to babble about how he was just feeling the adrenaline, how he needed to get to the hospital. You looked over at your brother, and he met your eyes. There was no way he was going to be able to keep his secret after this, provided you all made it out alive.
“They have no idea, do they?” Matt asked you.
You didn’t answer him. Your mom was still trying to convince Matt to let her take Scott to the hospital.
“Lady, if you keep talking, I’m going to put the next bullet in her head.”
He raised the gun to your skull. Your breath caught in your throat when you felt the barrel of the gun against your skin.
Your mom took a deep breath, and held up her hands. Tears were streaming down her face, leaving wet lines of black mascara. “Okay...okay.”
Matt shoved you in front of him, pushing you down the hall. He paraded you back through the station, and locked your mom into the cell next to the bench Stilinski was cuffed to.
When Matt shut the cell door, your mom reached out through the bars, grasping your hand tightly. “You’re okay?”
You nodded, tears slipping from your own eyes. “I’m okay. Stiles and Scott made sure I was safe.”
“Back to the front McCall!” Matt barked. “Both of you!”
You glanced back at your mom reluctantly as Matt shoved you in front of him. He walked behind you and your brother as you headed out into the hallway. Then, he herded you into the station breakroom.
There were a few tables and some chairs, but even though you were exhausted, you were too afraid to sit down. Scott leaned against one of the tables, still grasping his bloody side. You guessed the wound wasn’t fully healed yet. If the bullet hadn’t exited, it wouldn’t be able to close unless someone pulled it out.
“The evidence is gone,” Scott told him. “Why don’t you just go?”
Matt raised his eyebrows. “You really think the evidence mattered that much? No. No, I want the book.”
“What book?” Scott asked him,
“The bestiary!” Matt snarled. “And not just a few pages. I want the entire thing.”
“I don’t have it. It’s Gerard’s. You told him that, didn’t you?”
He was looking at you now. You shrugged. “I tried.”
Scott glanced back over at Matt. “What do you need it for, anyway?”
“I need answers.”
“Answers to what?”
Frustrated, Matt yanked up the edge of his shirt, revealing his scale-covered side. “To this!”
Scott’s eyes went wide. If Matt was turning into another kanima, there was nothing stopping him from killing whoever he wanted. When you looked at your brother’s face, you had the sneaking suspicion that you two would be next on his list.
------
Stiles laid on the floor of the station, staring up at the ceiling. The tiled floor was cold against his back, which was a welcome relief considering sweat was dripping down his neck. He wasn’t sure whether it was just hot in the station, or if he was nervous. If he was being honest, it was both.
He and Derek had been lying there for what felt like hours, but Stiles knew it was probably only thirty minutes.
“Hey,” he said, breaking the silence. “Do you know what’s happening to Matt?”
“I know the book’s not gonna help him,” Derek said grimly. “You can’t just break the rules. Not like this.”
Stiles tried to look over at him from the corner of his eye.
“What do you mean?”
“The universe balances things out. It always does.”
“Is it because he’s using Jackson to kill people who don’t deserve it?”
“And killing people himself,” Derek added.
Stiles thought for a moment. “So if he breaks the rules of the Kanima, he becomes the Kanima?”
“Balance,” Derek agreed.
“Will he believe us if we tell him that?”
“Probably not.”
Stiles sighed. “Okay, he’s gonna kill all of us once he gets that book, isn’t he?”
“Yep...except for maybe Scott’s sister.”
Stiles gritted his teeth. “I’m gonna kick his ass the second I can move again.”
“That’s a great way to get her throat ripped out too.”
Stiles didn’t respond. He knew Derek was right, but a part of him wanted to go after Matt without thinking about the consequences. He knew he had left those bruises on your neck. He knew that the minute you shattered Matt’s fantasy, he would kill you too. He had to do something before that happened.
“I know you’re in love with her.”
Stiles swallowed at Derek’s words. “Maybe.”
“I can tell. I know you’d do anything to save her, but right now, we need to be smarter.”
“Alright,” Stiles relented. “So what do we do? Do we just sit here and wait to die?”
“Unless I can figure out a way to push the toxin out of my body faster, like triggering the healing process.”
“Wha-”
He glanced down, only to realize that Derek’s claws were now protruding from his fingers. They had grown into his jeans, right into his skin, where blood was beginning to ooze.
Stiles gagged. “Oh, gross.”
-----
Back in the breakroom of the station, Matt shook his head, letting his shirt fall back down. He glanced between you and Scott.
“You know, I feel sorry for you guys. Cause right now you’re probably thinking ‘How am I gonna explain this when it heals?’. And the sad part is, you don’t even realize how incredible it is that you are healing. Cause you know what happens to anyone else when they get shot? They die!”
You and Scott exchanged uneasy glances.
“Is that what happened to you?” your brother asked.
Matt was silent. He was staring at the ground, but he didn’t look as vicious as he had earlier. He actually seemed kind of tired. Scott seemed to notice this too, so he continued to press.
“You drowned, didn’t you?”
“He shouldn’t have let them drink,” Matt muttered, still staring at the floor.
“What?” you asked. “Who? Matt, what do you mean?”
“Lahey!” He suddenly exploded. “He shouldn’t have let them drink.”
You flinched back, closer to your brother.
“What?” Scott asked. “Who was drinking?”
“The swim team, you idiot! I didn’t know what was happening. I didn’t know they had just won State…”
You and Scott listened to Matt as he went on and on. He explained how, when he was in eighth grade, he had been heading over to Isaac’s to trade comics. Mr. Lahey was throwing a party for his swim team and letting them drink around the pool. All of Matt’s victims had been there. Tucker, Cara, Bennett, even Jessica and Shawn, the married couple.
They were joking around when Matt came into the backyard, tossing each other into the pool. Isaac’s brother Camden decided to throw Matt in too. They didn’t know he couldn’t swim.
“And the next thing I know, I’m lying by the pool,” Matt explained. “And Lahey’s standing over me, and he’s saying ‘You don’t know how to swim? What little bastard doesn’t know how to swim? You say nothing. You tell no one.’ And I didn’t.”
He let out a sharp, bitter laugh. “I would wake up every night, gasping for breath. My parents thought I was an asthamatic. They even got me and inhaler. They didn’t know that everytime I closed my eyes, I…I was drowning.”
He was silent for a few moments, and then he looked back at you and Scott. “And then came Kate Argent’s funeral.”
His lips began to curl into a smile as he explained how he had realized he and Jackson were bonded.
“I was taking some photos, and then, purely by accident, Lahey gets in one of them. I looked down at my camera, and I just had this unbelievable rage that filled up inside of me. I looked at him and I just...I wanted to see him dead.”
Matt let out a disbelieving laugh. “And the next day, he actually was! You know, Einstein was right. Imagination is more important than knowledge. It was like something out of Greek mythology, like...like the Furies coming down to punish Orestes.”
He looked over at Scott, who was staring at him, dumbfounded. Matt rolled his eyes. “You have no idea what I’m talking about do you?”
Scott swallowed. “Was that...was that the guy that stabbed out his eyes.”
“That’s Oedipus, you dumbass!” Matt barked.
His gaze snapped over at you. “You know what I’m talking about don’t you?”
You nodded carefully. “The furies were deities of vengeance, weren’t they?”
Matt nodded. “Their tears ran of blood and they had snakes for hair. If there was a crime that had gone unpunished, the Furies would do the punishing. Jackson is my Fury. You know, when I saw him the next night, I knew he had killed Lahey for me, and I knew he would do it again.”
Matt began to smile to himself again. “So I went to Tucker’s garage. I even paid for an oil change, and guess what? He didn’t even recognize me! So when he wasn’t looking, I took a shot of him with my camera...and in a few hours, he was dead. So I took more pictures. All I had to do was take their picture, and Jackson would take their life.”
You glanced over at Scott, who looked just as concerned as you were. Matt was giving no indication that he would stop the killings. You were pretty sure that he and Stiles were next on his list.
Scott opened his mouth, maybe to try and convince Matt to let you all go, but he never got the chance to speak. The thick, acrid smell of smoke filled the air, and suddenly the room was engulfed in a white cloud.
Sirens began to wail, echoing through the halls of the station. They let out a sharp, bleating sound that hurt your ears.
“What is this?!” Matt demanded. “What’s happening? What’s going on?!”
He suddenly reached out, snatching you by the arm.
“I don’t know!” Scott cried. “Y/n, where are you?”
“I’m right here!”
He reached out, trying to see if he could grab you, but Matt yanked you backward against him. He pressed his gun against your side and forced you out the nearest exit.
Bright yellow emergency lights began to flicker, illuminating the breakroom. Jackson passed you and Matt as you left the room. He was headed right toward Scott. You tried to pull out of his grasp, but he dug his nails into your arm.
“Scott!” you screamed.
“I’ll have Jackson rip your mom apart next,” he snarled.
He dragged you through the halls of the station, keeping the gun pressed tightly against your side. The smoke was starting to dissipate now, and the flashing lights ensured that Matt knew where he was going.
He shoved open a door and hauled you into a darkened garage. The long room was bordered by bay doors on one side. A few desks littered the room, but it was mostly filled with police squad cars or transport vans.
Matt dragged you past tool carts and spare tires, and you struggled not to trip.
“Please, Matt,” you begged. “Just let me go.”
“Shut up!” Matt snapped. He looked around frantically until he spotted a door with a glowing, red exit sign. He pushed you toward it and forced you outside.
Cool air hit your face as you stepped out into the night, but you didn’t have time to appreciate it. He broke into a run, keeping one hand on your arm as he pulled you further from the building. Panic began to build in your chest.
A couple hundred yards ahead, the clearing you and Matt were running through ended with a line of trees. There was a small creek running at the edge of it. Farther downstream, a bridge crossed over the water. Matt began to pull you in the opposite direction.
Suddenly, you stumbled, falling onto your knees in the grass. Matt reached down to haul you up, but when his guard was down, you knocked the gun out of his hand. It landed somewhere in the grass, and he was unable to see where it went in the dark.
You scrambled onto your feet as Matt felt for the gun in the grass, but when he realized you were running, he abandoned it.
“No!”
He tackled you to the ground before you could even make it five feet away, and the impact knocked the wind out of you.
You squirmed, but he quickly pinned you down into the grass.
“Get off me!” you gasped, but his hands were pressing your wrists into the grass.
He smiled down at you, but there was an empty look in his eyes. Your heart began to pound even harder against your chest.
“Do you remember when I said that I’m not the type of guy that’s gonna say something like ‘If I can’t have her, no one can.’?”
You writhed under him, but your exhaustion had caught up with you. He was much stronger, and now that he was turning into another kanima, you didn’t have a chance of fighting him off.
Matt didn’t wait for you to respond to him. He just kept talking and grinning down at you with that sick look in his eyes.
“See, that’s not entirely true,” he mused. “Because, Y/n, if I can’t have you. No one can.”
Then his hands were on your neck, squeezing. You fought him, gasping for air that wouldn’t come. He was going to kill you.
You reached up, scratching at his hands and wrists. You could feel his skin peeling away under your nails and the warm, wet blood you were drawing. Still, it wasn’t enough.
Your vision was beginning to cloud. Your attempts to fight him off were growing weaker by the second. All you could think of was Stiles.
The two of you always seemed to be saving each other in one way or another. This time, you had hoped he would be able to rescue you, but it looked like that wasn’t going to happen. You knew there was no use in hoping for anything else.
Instead, you tried to think about something good. As your mind wandered, you thought of Stiles’ honey brown eyes. You thought of the surprise and delight on his face when you said something funny that he hadn’t expected. You remembered the way he had kissed you the night at the rave, his hands warm on your cheeks.
Everything was beginning to go dark, but you were content. You swore you could hear Stiles’ voice, warm and soothing...and then it was gone.
You opened your eyes, taking one painful, gasping breath. Matt’s weight was no longer on top of you. You rolled over onto your side, desperately sucking in air as you struggled to lift yourself up into a sitting position in the grass.
You looked around, wondering what had happened. That was when you saw Matt being dragged down the hill by Gerard Argent, of all people. You didn’t understand what was happening at first, but then, Gerard threw him down into the bed of the creek.
Gerard waded out until he was knee-deep in the water. Then he grabbed Matt by his t-shirt and thrust his head under water. You watched, horrified, as he drowned him in the creek.
That was when you ran, occasionally glancing over your shoulder to make sure Gerard wouldn’t follow you. He didn’t even look up. Either he would come after you later, or he just didn’t care.
You sprinted past the bridge, only to have a pair of arms reach out and snatch you back. You opened your mouth to scream, but a hand clamped down over your lips, muffling the sound.
You were pushed up against the side of the bridge, the rough stone scraping against your back. When you saw who had grabbed you, your eyes went wide. It was Peter Hale.
It suddenly crossed your mind that maybe you hadn’t escaped Matt in the clearing. Maybe you were dead. Maybe that was why you were face to face with Peter, whose throat Derek had slashed open last month.
He held one finger to his lips as he stared down at you, and while you should have been terrified, you had the odd feeling that he wouldn’t hurt you.
“Watch,” he said quietly.
He grabbed you by the shoulders and spun you around, forcing you to look back at Matt and Gerard. You could see Matt’s motionless body floating in the water. Gerard was now standing up on the bank of the creek, his clothes still dripping wet. His lips were moving, but you couldn’t hear what he was saying. It didn’t seem to matter, because what you saw next told you everything you needed to know.
The Kanima was creeping out from the shadows, wandering toward Gerard on its hands and feet. Instead of running, Gerard lifted one arm and raised his palm. The Kanima moved closer, hesitantly. Then it lifted up one scaly, clawed hand, and touched its palm to Gerard’s.
He was now its master.
“Go,” Peter urged in your ear. “Tell your brother what you saw.”
You blinked up at him, confused. “Why?”
A smile played at the edge of Peter’s lips. “I have a feeling we’re all on the same team now.”
He let go of your shoulders and you slowly backed away from him, keeping your eyes trained on his shadowy form the entire time. When you were a few yards away, you turned your back and took off running toward the station.
Your chest was burning as you raced back toward Scott and the others. When you pushed open the doors of the station, several officers whirled around and trained their guns on you. You guessed Stiles’ dad had called for backup at some point.
As you threw up your hands, you were able to see the Sheriff, your mom, and Stiles all standing in the lobby.
“Y/n!” Stiles cried. “Oh thank god.”
The officers lowered their guns, and Stiles rushed over. He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you tightly against his chest. You froze in his arms, not quite sure how to handle his touch. The feeling of being caged against him made your skin crawl. Though you hated to admit it, it reminded you of Matt.
He pulled away suddenly, realizing you weren’t reciprocating.
“Hey...are-are you okay?”
You shook your head, suddenly feeling overwhelmed. The lights of the station were too bright, and the sound of the deputies’ boots thumping on the floor caused you to flinch. You didn’t even know where to start.
Stiles watched in shock as you suddenly burst into tears. He wanted to reach out and hold you, but by the way you had just reacted, he was afraid to touch you.
“Oh, uh…”
Before he could think of anything to say, your mom rushed over and put a hand on your back. “Let’s get you somewhere quiet, Sweetheart.”
She cast a sympathetic glance in Stiles’ direction and led you down the hall. The Sheriff followed after the two of you, no doubt planning to take your statement. Matt was nowhere to be found, and Stiles was willing to bet you knew what happened to him.
He wanted to follow, but he knew if he did, his dad would just kick him out of the room. You were a witness now, and they would need an official statement from you.
Scott came jogging down the hallway. Stiles realized he must have heard you come back.
By then, the door to the office you had disappeared into was shut.
Scott headed over to Stiles. “What happened?”
“I don’t know,” Stiles admitted. “But I don’t think your sister’s okay.”
#teen wolf#teen wolf imagines#selfignitingimagines#stiles stilinski#stiles stilinski imagines#@screamxqueenx94#tw kidnapping#tw stalking
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Hello everyone!
We’re back with our final spooky season read! This weekend, we read In the Room Where You Sleep by blurhawaii.
This fic is tense, spine-chilling, and absolutely timeless. It comes packed with hair-raising moments, punchy tension-breaking banter, and the one thing in any spooky shyan fic that unnerves almost everyone one of us while reading: when Shane starts to get a little unnerved himself.
Rating: M
Summary:
Hunched over on himself on the bottom step of the staircase, Ryan throws out the term ‘tulpa’ for the camera and then has to backtrack when Shane cuts in, wait, wait, wait, just a second here, a what?
A tulpa, Ryan explains in the thoughtfully stressed voice he uses to info-dump, is a Tibetan concept where a thought or an object has been manifested through an intense focus of spiritual or mental energy.
The idea is simply that if enough people believe this house has the ability to swallow them whole then, unknowingly, they might have given life to the very concept itself.
Book Club Thoughts
I liked a lot the setting of the fic, the disconcerting sense of things not being quite okay, and the imagined horrors slowly turning real.
all the descriptions of how dark and cavernous the house felt in its incomprehensible hallways and rooms was so terrifying, but so well done
the whole fic's such a good metaphor for anxiety, really--the house picking the things out of his brain that he hates about himself and using them against him
I especially enjoy the way the author can build our emotions up using Shane's emotions. Like yes, we're in Ryan's POV, and he's going to be heart-stoppingly afraid the entire while, but as every ep of BFU SPN has shown, Ryan's emotions rely very heavily on Shane's to keep them in check in spooky locales, and he doesn't really have that luxury here
the atmosphere in this story was so real and oppressive and Extremely well done, so much so that i even enjoyed the ending which in any other fic would probably have frustrated me. i love the snapshot snippet type sections, the way the story is told through the camera and through ryan’s thoughts, how us only getting these sections mirrors their own limited view with their flashlights within the story.
it's fascinating how good the balance is between character perspective and "you are literally watching this footage" was, fully immersive yet didn't break the illusion
yeah I LOVED the bits where it was being told by someone watching the footage
the choice to frame it like that was so smart, i bet it must have made it so much easier to control the pacing and keep only the good bits
I also super agree w the sentiment abt it feeling found footagey which yall know is my jam. That sorta thing takes real skill to convey in written word, I think, to capture the essence of that particular genre n this fic did so rly well
The dialogue in this was so on-point and so real. Like, it really did sound like exchanges they would be having in this nightmare situation
i guess to say it ends with a thud is incorrect, it's more like it ends on an inhale, which is so so good because the broad stretches of the setting felt like it was wrapped around them almost suffocatingly that I was waiting for some kind of relief but it just doesn't and that is scarier than anything. I kinda feel like i'm still trapped in that state of waiting for them to be free so i can breathe.
kudos to this author because i was stock still reading this entire thing like some sort of fic paralysis
this is one of those rare ones that stay with you forever throughout life. that make you go, "ah, this reminds me of a story i once read" a few years in the future. this is one that sticks with you, one that influences how you see things, maybe even how writers write things. this is a special one
I give that fic TEN SPIRITS
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Heartbreak
Open Heart, Book 1, Chapter 10 (Part 2)
Retold through social media posts and messages
All posts here
Posted Saturday
10:53 PM
23 minutes before
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Received Saturday
10:56 PM
20 minutes before
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Posted Saturday
10:57 PM
19 minutes before
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Received Saturday
10:59 PM
17 minutes before
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Received Saturday
11:15 PM
1 minute before
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Received Saturday
11:18 PM
2 minutes after
from: Sienna Trinh
to: Lilac Allende
Transcript of voicemail:
Hey you! Sorry I called you late! I was baking my world famous German chocolate brownies and lost track of time. You know how I get. You weren't answering so I'm guessing you fell asleep. I'll talk to you later, okay? I can't wait to hear all about this trip!
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Received Saturday
11:31 PM
15 minutes after
Hi Carrie,
Are you ready to murder me yet? Given my lack of response in the last few days and the frequency of your emails, I would imagine you are.
I'm alive.
And in Miami, seeking inspiration in the turquoise sea and in the overpriced bottles of red wine this hotel insists on passing off as top shelf. Probably not something I should be admitting to my agent but here we are.
The manuscript is going well. Actually, I should say the manuscript was going well… Until I decided to scrap it and steer it in a completely different direction. Before you stop reading here to pass out or call me twenty five times, please hear me out.
Untitled_Mystery_Doc will still be a mystery at its core, except now the two leads will surrender to a forbidden romance. Detective Prescott must fall fiercely and hopelessly in love with Selene Obispo. It was something the writing was demanding of me all along, but I lacked the inspiration to bring their tension to fruition. That changed thanks to the Celestial's lavish oceanside balcony view.
Earlier tonight, I was leaning over the railing of my balcony, glass of that aforementioned wine in my hand, watching the last remains of a reception of some sort in the distance. A delighted, lilting laugh from a nearby balcony broke my concentration. It was from a young woman who looked to be no older than you are. Even from a distance, I could tell she was a vivacious creature, radiating the type of effortless beauty that would have even the strongest of beings hanging by her every word. In an inky blue dress, she looked so captivating, it was no wonder the man at her side could hardly keep his eyes away from her.
This man, Carrie.
He was, without a doubt, the handsomest specimen I have ever seen. A true Romantic hero come to life from the pages of every classic novel in the catalog. Tall with piercing eyes and a jaw so sharp, it could slice through even the strongest of convictions. He possessed the type of good looks that were striking, like the powerful fissure of lighting.
The pair seemed to alternate between conversation and companionable silence as they enjoyed a drink. Every so often, when he was certain she wasn't looking, he would glance at her almost desperately, as though rushing to take in as much of her before the precious seconds ran out. He was not aware that in those moments when he contemplated the vast ocean before them, she would do the same.
After another lull in their conversation, the young woman looked at her phone, a pensive crease on her brow as she searched for something. Seconds later, the notes of a song began to drift from the speaker of her device. The man scoffed, inspiring more cheerful laughter from her. Despite his annoyed front, his expression softened as he watched her.
More silence and then they started what sounded like a solemn conversation. As they spoke, he looked conflicted, his fingers gripping his glass as though reason and restrain were slowly ebbing away.
Fragments of what they were saying reached me.
“…higher I aspire, the more I stand to lose.”
“I...certainly understand that.”
He stood then, with the conviction of someone seeking to run away from the ineluctable.
When he stopped at the railing of their balcony, however, he turned to her, shoulders deflating as though realizing he didn't want to run anymore. Finding her there at his side was confirmation that she was an inevitability, a constant in his existence like his binary star.
It was confirmation that she was done running too.
He was saying something then, the words coming out in a desperate rush. She didn't seem to mind though, patiently listening and offering reassurance.
“... Your risk paid off.”
Those words seemed to be the denouement of their time together because his gaze took her in with undeniable clarity.
“It did...and I’m beginning to realize…”
The way he looked at her then, with over-spilling yearning, would have inspired poets throughout the ages. Even if I had a hundred years to write, I could never capture the utterly lovelorn way in which he regarded her.
“There are some things that are worth any risk.”
And then he kissed her. Their bodies gravitated closer to one another, reveling in the novelty of having her in his arms at long last. And even though this kiss erupted with the euphoric urgency of the first time, there was familiarity in the way he caressed her, in the way she stroked his jaw. As though they had spent long, agonizing moments before this memorizing one another.
All of this was painted clearly before me in the seconds before I stepped away.
I could not justify stealing any more of this moment from them. Particularly when the desperation in their movements acknowledged the race against the clock. They both knew that this stolen moment would eventually conclude.
I am inspired, Carrie.
Even from afar, I could tell these two yearned for each other. Their kiss was the inevitable culmination of forbidden longing, beautiful yet heartbreaking all at once.
It's exactly what was missing from my manuscript.
Let me know your thoughts.
How's Gigi? Did you like the groomer I recommend?
Sincerely,
Andrea
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Received Saturday
11:32 PM
16 minutes after
To Whom It May Concern;
My name is Lisa Burkett in room 4087. This evening, my husband and I witnessed a couple in a nearby room making out. They were extremely loud and explicit. The woman even climbed on top of the man at some point.
This is appalling since we're here with our children. Luckily they didn't see this happening.
Please put me in contact with a manager. This is unacceptable for a resort that advertises being family friendly.
Attached you will a picture of the incident. That's how exposed and close to us they were.
Sincerely,
Lisa Burkett
Attachment:
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Received Saturday
11:39 PM
23 minutes after
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Sent Saturday
11:41 PM
25 minutes after
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Searched for on Saturday
Googled by Ethan Ramsey
11:56 PM
40 minutes after
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Searched for on Sunday
Googled by Lilac Allende
12:03 AM
47 minutes after
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Searched for on Sunday
Googled by Lilac Allende
12:06 AM
50 minutes after
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Listened to on Sunday
Audible library accessed by Ethan Ramsey
12:46 AM
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Searched on Sunday
Googled by Ethan Ramsey
1:03 AM
From “Student Doctor Network” accessed at 1:11 am
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Received on Sunday
Sibling group chat titled “Y’all look familiar”
Members: Laurel Allende, Lilac Allende, Jaime Allende
1:36 AM
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Received on Sunday
from: Naveen Banerji
to: Ethan Ramsey
1:59 AM
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Posted on Sunday
2:17 AM
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2:46 AM
The Celestial Incident Report
Camera footage transcript
Hall 4000
Written by: Anthony Romero
Re: Guest Complaint
Guest, Dr. Ethan Ramsey, exits his suite, careful to shut the door as noiselessly as possible.
This man has seen better days.
His hair is disheveled and stubble mars the jawline that wreaked havoc among The Celestial's guests and staff alike. The doctor looks downright exhausted, as though he hasn't slept a wink all night. Full disclosure, I'm a measly hotel employee, writing an incident report no one will ever read so I don't know how to put this delicately. But here goes nothing: the man looks as though his lack of sleep is not from the reckless fun Mrs. Burkett complained about but rather the lack of it.
Dr. Ramsey hesitates mid-stride, looking at the door as though it poses a mystifying dilemma. Jaw working, he seems to decide something, jolting forward to take hold of the doorknob.
Reason seems to catch up to him because he exhales noticeably and releases the doorknob as though it scorched his skin. Looking angry but determined, he strides down the hall toward the elevator.
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Posted on Sunday
3:18 AM
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Received on Sunday
3:54 AM
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Accessed via Ethan Ramsey’s camera roll
4:13 AM
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Received on Sunday
7:20 AM
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Failed Login on Sunday
Nurses’ Station desktop | Third Floor
7:53 AM
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Sent on Sunday
from: Bryce Lahela
to: Brittany Ryan
8:01 AM
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Searched on Sunday
Googled by Sienna Trinh
8:01 AM
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Sent on Sunday
from: Sienna Trinh
to: Wayne Bradley Torning
8:19 AM
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Posted on Sunday
8:35 AM
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Received on Sunday
8:51 AM
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Posted on Sunday
9:02 AM
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Sent on Sunday
9:15 AM
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9:32 AM
The Celestial Incident Report
Camera footage transcript
Hall 4000
Written by: Anthony Romero
Re: Guest Complaint
Guest, Dr. Ethan Ramsey, dressed in pool attire, grapples with the key card to his room, the technology somehow perplexing to a man who went to med school. The struggle is short lived because the door swings open from the inside, revealing the second guest on file, Dr. Lilac Allende.
Again, no one reads these anyway so I can confidently say that if I wasn't a goddamn professional, I would've promptly slid into her DMs. She would've rejected me, of course, but you miss 100% of the shots you don't take, am I right?
Dr. Ramsey freezes as his eyes land on her, the muscles of his back tensing. Dr. Allende instinctively does the same, eyes going wide, much like a defenseless bunny facing the snarling snout of a wolf. They stay motionless in stunned silence for so long, I had to check the footage to make sure it hadn't frozen.
After what seems like an eternity, Dr. Ramsey clears his throat and averts his eyes, as though interested in the carpet's God awful pattern. This reaction is definitely the wrong one because Dr. Allende pulls herself to her full height, eyes alight with fire.
Goddamn. My bunny analogy was way off because this girl looks anything but defenseless when she is this pissed.
“I came back to change,” he explains, probably feeling her glare burning into his face.
“We need ice,” she says at the same time, lifting the empty ice bucket she holds.
They definitely don't need any. The ice in her voice and demeanor is enough to stock the poolside bar during spring break.
Dr. Ramsey looks at her then and when their eyes meet, an unspoken conversation passes between them. Slowly, her resolute anger begins to melt. Unmistakable hurt flits through her features and this time, she's the one to look away.
What the hell happened with these two?
Before Dr. Ramsey says anything, she moves around him and strides down the hall with unstoppable determination. He moves to follow her, but with considerable effort he forces himself to stop, watching her disappear instead.
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Sent on Sunday
10:22 AM
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Posted on Sunday
10:51 AM
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Received on Sunday
10:59 AM
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Received on Sunday
11:36 AM
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Sent on Sunday
11:41 AM
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Received on Sunday
11:58 AM
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Sent on Sunday
12:04 PM
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Edenbrook Hospital on Yelp
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Posted on Sunday
1:23 PM
Full transcript of review:
This review is regarding the "care" I received from one Dr. Lilac Allende. Is it normal to almost die at the hands of your doctor? I didn't think so either. Yet here we are. I went in because I had a horrible chest pain that got worse with each day. They assigned Dr. Allende, an intern, to me which was already kind of subpar but it's reduced cost medical care right? I should have trusted my gut because she diagnosed pneumonia and prescribed macrolide antibiotics azithromycin…. which I am allergic to!!! Don't they have charts for this reason?
Or maybe she can't read English given the language barrier. Do they need to start printing patient charts in whatever foreign language she speaks to avoid death?
I don't need to give you the gory details of what happened next, right ?
Anaphylactic Shock. Code blue. Defibrillator. I found out I wasn't the first patient this happened to under her care. There was an almost identical incident on her first day. When I tried to complain to management, they brushed it aside. Word around the hospital is that her boss favorites her. Figures.
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Received on Sunday
1:49 PM
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Sent on Sunday
1:56 PM
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Posted on Sunday
1:57 PM
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Posted on Sunday
1:58 PM
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Drafted on Sunday
status: NOT SENT
1:59 PM
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Posted on Sunday
3:23 PM
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Posted on Sunday
4:03 PM
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Sent on Sunday
4:13 PM
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Sent on Sunday
5:26 PM
from Sienna Trinh
to Wayne Bradley Torning
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Sent on Sunday
5:41 PM
from: Sienna Trinh
to: Danny Cardinal
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Posted on Sunday
6:32 PM
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Posted on Sunday
6:36 PM
______________________________
Posted on Sunday
6:45 PM
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Sent on Sunday
6:52 PM
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Received on Sunday
7:10 PM
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7:26 PM
The Celestial Incident Report
Camera footage transcript
Hall 4000
Written by: Anthony Romero
Re: Guest Complaint
Guest, Dr. Ethan Ramsey looks like a tortured man as he paces in front of their door. He runs restless hands through his hair, completely unaware of the effect this has on the majority of the staff reviewing this footage. He pauses in front of the door, pinching the bridge of his nose and raising his gaze upward, as though sending a silent prayer to anyone listening.
Jesus, Buddha, Beyoncé—whoever is up there, help this poor man out.
The door opens, causing him to flinch slightly. In the threshold stands Dr. Allende, wearing one of the hotel's fluffy, white robes. Though she is fully covered, save for her legs, Dr. Ramsey still blushes, as though aware of what lies beneath the fabric.
Dr. Allende, meanwhile, crosses her arms, leaning against the doorway as she studies him. This time, when their eyes scan one another, it's not with the frustration or resentment from the morning.
“Come inside.”
Her voice is quiet.
Dr. Ramsey's jaw clenches.
“Lilac—”
“We can't.” Acceptance ripples through her voice. “I know.”
Dr. Ramsey looks at her with an acute mixture of misery and longing.
“We can't ignore each other forever though.���
“I know. That's not what I want either.”
She nods once in response.
More silence.
“You're not angry anymore?”
The question is unexpected because her gaze snaps up to his.
“I wasn't angry at you, Ethan,” she says after a pensive pause. “I was angry at myself for refusing to let go of what happened. I just want to put it behind me without a backward glance, like you did.”
Those last three words get a reaction out of him. His jaw clenches and strains with effort, his shoulders looking equally as tense. He looks away from her, perhaps afraid that if he continues to look into her beautiful, earnest face, he will contradict her.
The way he had been pacing in front of her door only minutes prior, the way he looked at her this morning, the way his hand gripped the door knob the night before—all of it suggested her assessment as wrong. He was just as trapped in the previous night as she was.
“Lilac, I'm sorry about last night.”
She looks stunned for a brief second. When she recovers, she shakes her head in a tiny movement.
“I'm not.”
He takes in a long breath, allowing hope to filter through his expression.
“Now, come on. We have an early flight and my boss is making me go into work right after we land.”
“Sounds like an asshole.”
“The worst,” she agrees with a hum.
His quiet chuckle and the way he shakes his head is the last thing the camera captures before he follows her inside.
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Posted on Sunday
8:34 PM
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Sent on Sunday
10:01 PM
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Posted on Monday
3:56 AM
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Posted on Monday
4:23 AM
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Posted on Monday
8:03 AM
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Received on Monday
8:16 AM
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Posted on Monday
9:11 AM
______________________________
Posted on Monday
9:56 AM
______________________________
Received on Monday
9:57 AM
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Received on Monday
10:03 AM
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Status change on Monday
10:21 AM
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Received on Monday
11:33 AM
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Sent on Monday
11:50 AM
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Sent on Monday
12:33 PM
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Sent on Monday
12:40 PM
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Sent on Monday
12:49 PM
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A/N: I really hope you liked this because I poured my whole heart and two brain cells into it! Did you find my little Easter egg?
A few things:
I was going to include the song playing on MC’s phone in the balcony but decided that everyone has a different one. And I love that. Mine is Nirvana by Sam Smith. What’s yours?
That Yelp ordeal happened in real life at my old job. It was the shadiest shit I have ever seen. Even the meanest bitch at work was so shocked that someone would be this much of a snake. Someone printed the “review” about a coworker and posted it everywhere for everyone to see like Regina George. It was awful.
People also wrote computer passwords everywhere and just left them lying around. These computers had highly confidential info but people didn’t give a single fuck.
I picture Ethan picking up the Hamilton book because MC is obsessed with the musical. Plus, he’s a history nerd. But listening to it reminds him of her when he’s trying his damndest to forget about her. LOL good luck bro
I really debated having MC text him a risky picture after the kiss. But then I figured a) this is self-indulgent and b) once he kissed her, all reason and all restraints went out the window.
Thank you to everyone for being so patient while waiting for this! Thank you to @aestheticartsx for finding some of these amazing pics. She is the best!
I love you all.
-Bree
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tags: @openheart12 , @takeharryandgo , @trappedinfanfiction, @aestheticartsx, @aworldoffandoms, @paulfwesley, @myusualnerdyself, @rookie-ramsey, @ohchoices, @colossalpainintheass, @enmchoices, @i-bloody-love-drake-walker, @choicesfanaf, @openheartthot, @octobereighth, @nazarihoe, @utterlyinevitable, @kites-in-our-skies, @maurine07, @schnitzelbutterfingers, @doilooklikeiknow, @snesdudes, @kingliam2019, @perriewinklenerdie, @cinnamonspongecake, @choicesstan1, @queencarb, @ethxnrxmsey, @missmiimiie, @jens-diamondchoices, @adamsdumortain, @apphia12, @kalogh, @lucy-268, @binny1985, @queenbirbs, @honeyandsunfl0wers, @newcolonies, @lilyvalentine, @rigatonireid, @interobanginyourmom, @parkerattano, @custaroonie, @nikki-2406, @lilypills, @chasingrobbie, @nooruleman, @lonely-mxxnlight, @ruinedbypixels, @shadynaturehilariouscookie, @tsrookie, @mvalentine, @professorkingslay, @drakewalkerfantasy, @casey-v, @helloblueeyedcat, @mysticaurathings, @blossomanarchy, @thegreentwin, @togetherwearerapture, @rookieoh, @ramseysno1rookie, @rookiemarsswiftie, @natashajaniphilchoices, @mysticalgalaxysstuff, @hatescapsicum, @choices-lurker, @kiara-36, @junehiratas, @danijimenezv, @macy-ray85, @adrex04, @canigetanawwjunk, @sanchita012, @overwhelminglyaquarius , @scorpiochick8, @skylarklyon, @starrystarrytrouble, @mercury84choices, @drariellevalentine, @ethanrcmsey, @lion-ess24, @aarisa-frost, @kaavyaethanramsey , @udishaman, @a-crepusculo, @quacksonlover,
@varikasnuori, @dimitriwife, @genevievemd, @shanzay44, @fabi-en-ciel, @trebondialanna, @emotionalswift2, @lady-calypso,
(If I forgot anyone, please DM me!)
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Hiiii! I absolutely love your writing. Could you do an imagine based off of your pregnancy one shot? Since H is incredibly private, would the couple be able to hide her pregnancy from the public and then announce it similar to like Kylie Jenner’s video diary of the whole experience? Thanks!!
A/N: Ok I was OBSESSED with this request, but for some reason I found it very difficult to write, so I’m so sorry if it’s shit. Hope you like it <3
Word Count: 2,698
Requests are OPEN! If you have a request for a blurb, oneshot, imagine, whatever, Send me a message HERE!!!
To add yourself to my Taglist, click HERE
CLICK HERE TO READ OTHER COMPLETED STORIES
Friendly reminder to please like and/or reblog. It helps more than you think :)
---------------------------------------
Is Forever Enough?
From the moment Harry found out he and Y/N were expecting their first child, he knew he wanted to document everything. He had been in the habit of capturing moments throughout their relationship, mainly of big events, but from this moment on, he wanted to capture it all. Little clips of every doctor’s appointment, every craving his wife had, every heartbeat, and every little kick. He wanted video documentation of the life growing inside his wife’s belly and everything that happened during that time. They had waited so long for this moment, and now that it was finally here, he wanted to make sure they would never forget a single second of it. From telling their closest friends and family members, designing the nursery, their tiny baby shower, attended by the select few that were lucky enough to know their secret.
At first, keeping silent was a way to protect themselves in case Y/N’s pregnancy didn’t stick like their fertility doctor had warned them was a possibility. It took them nearly two years to conceive, and the thought of going through a miscarriage in front of millions of watchful eyes was terrifying. But by the time they became aware that they weren’t going to miscarry, they had gone so long without announcing it that there wasn’t a point to do it. Why ruin something that was so well hidden?
The decision not to announce their pregnancy to the public wasn’t a hard decision to make. Harry was private, anyway, and everyone knew that. He was rarely on social media and didn’t talk about his private life to many people, and those who he did talk to were very loyal and trusting. They just wanted to enjoy being pregnant without the prying eyes of strangers and it was fairly easy keeping it under wraps considering how private they were, to begin with.
The timing of Y/N’s pregnancy helped, too. The early part of her pregnancy was during the summer, so they could enjoy tropical holidays together without worrying about being seen because she simply wasn’t showing yet. But, towards the end, it got harder to conceal, like during award season in the fall when an oversized shirt or puffy dress couldn’t conceal the roundness of her bump and plumpness of her cheeks and lips. It was the first award season she hadn’t accompanied Harry to in years and people began to get suspicious.
That’s when the rumors of her possible pregnancy started. Of course, no one could prove anything. But that, along with the lack of sightings of Y/N was enough proof for some. Luckily, nothing more came of it other than whispers. Harry had stopped doing interviews when he first got wind of the rumors, so no one could catch him off guard in uncomfortable positions or having to lie to protect his wife, and he began to focus his attention back on his music, halting his pursuance of on-screen work for the time being until after their baby boy’s arrival. Instead, he was the man behind the camera.
For the most part.
There were times when certain family members or friends would pick up their camera and film some things for them, capturing little intimate moments of the parents-to-be. They even enlisted the help of Harry’s on-tour photographer, Helene Pambrun, to help film the birth of their baby. Though she focused mainly on photography, her knowledge of videography and style of filming fit exactly with what the couple wanted, and Helene was all too honored to be a part of the day.
And although the birth of their child was, albeit, a bit traumatic, they couldn’t have asked for a sweeter baby boy. Born on a frigid Friday evening on March eighteenth after twenty hours of active labor and an onslaught of chaos, Paxton Robin Styles was born, tiny, healthy, and beautiful, surrounded by family that already loved him so dearly.
The hospital staff was wonderful in keeping their attendance private, no one having a clue that they were even there. No news articles or whispers were heard of their newest addition to which they were grateful to be allowed to enjoy their first week home, getting acclimated to being new parents. They had fallen in love with him.
“Y/N!” Harry exclaimed, bouncing into the nursery on a Monday afternoon as his wife fed their son, his phone in hand, and a bright smile on his face.
Y/N looked up, surprised and slightly offended, “Don’t ever call me by my name again,” she joked, stroking their son’s cheek.
Harry laughed, “Sorry, love. But, look! It’s here!”
He held his phone in front of her face, playing the edited version of their pregnancy and birth journey in video form one of Harry’s editor friends kindly put together for them after the birth of their son. The five minute and fifty-one-second video filled with shortened clips of the last nearly ten months of their lives in becoming first-time parents. They watched it together, occasionally glancing down at their baby that had fallen asleep while eating in Y/N’s arms, in awe that this was their life.
Tears were streaming down both of their faces, and Y/N giggled, wiping her husband’s cheek with her free hand. He was an emotional being, she knew that, but she had no idea what the effect of fatherhood would be on her Harry. She couldn’t have picked a better partner to raise a child with.
“I think we should post it,” Harry said, causing Y/N’s eyes to go wide.
“Post it? Like...social media?”
Harry nodded, “Well, we can’t keep him a secret forever. People are already starting to talk. I’d rather announce it on our own terms than on someone else’s. We can still stay as private as possible, I’ve already talked to Jeffrey and my publicist about it. I just...he makes me so proud and I feel like I need to show people that.”
Y/N smiles sweetly at her husband, taking his hand that rested on the arm to the nursing chair and pulling it up to her lips, kissing it gently. “Okay. We can post it.”
Later that evening, the internet was in an uproar and their phones were blowing up like crazy, for on both of their Instagrams they posted a grey-scale picture of a name tag sticker that read “Hello, I’m: P”, captioned ‘link in bio’, where they were directed to a youtube link posted under Harry’s account.
As soon as the video began, Harry’s soft voice was heard, singing his version of ‘Lullaby’ by the Dixie Chicks in the background as unseen footage of their wedding a few years prior had fizzled into view, video of their first dance as husband and wife played while the tail end of a speech made by Harry’s mom, Anne, was heard over everything else.
“We are so incredibly grateful to have Y/N now an official part of our family and I wish you both years of love, health, and happiness….and giving me tons and tons of grandchildren,” earning laughter from the attendees, “I love you both to pieces. Congratulations.”
The video slowly changed to little snippets. Y/N running towards the beach, holding her hat tight on her head with one hand while the other was holding onto Harry’s hand that was at the bottom of the screen as the breeze whipped at Y/N’s hair and sarong, cut to a clip of the camera propped on the beach overlooking the two of them sitting in the sand, looking out into the ocean, Y/N’s head falling on Harry’s shoulder and him kissing the top of her head as the sun set.
Next was a scene during one of Harry’s tour where someone filmed Y/N at the front of the stage in a VIP area beside a few of their friends, dancing and singing along with Harry who stood in front of her, smiling and singing at her.
The next images were upsetting. When they first started trying, they recorded videos of themselves awaiting the results of their tests, hoping to capture the moment they found out on film. One after another, the video showed negative test upon negative test, wanting to document the struggle they faced in fertility, one of the main reasons they decided to post this video. If it helped just one person who struggled with infertility and gave them a bit of hope, they needed to show it.
They showed clips of Harry holding an emotional Y/N in his arms, her eyes filled with tears and a quivering lip as he kissed her forehead and stroked her hair. Until the next clip showed. A shaky still of a screen that read ‘Pregnant’ that panned up to show a reflection of Harry and his wife in the mirror, Y/N pulling the test up to her face with a smile while Harry looked down at his wife in pride, softly touching her flat belly.
Clips of an ultrasound showed, Y/N stomach looking more bloated than anything as the doctor slid the wand around on her belly, Harry filming while squeezing his wife’s hand. His voice could barely be heard over the music of the video as he cooed, “Is that it, right there? So little…”
They included a few announcements they made to family members. How they told Anne while on an end of summer family vacation with a little jewelry box that opened up to two little birds and an egg in a birds nest with a note that said ‘A little birdy told me you are going to be a Nana.’ making Anne burst into tears, hugging them. And when they told Y/N’s best friend by giving her an orange and saying, “That’s how big our baby is right now,” which caused confusion before the screaming.
Y/N had filmed mirror clips of her growing belly in the floor-length mirror that stood in the corner of their room and had gotten clips of Harry laying beside her bump, his hands rubbing her stomach, clasped on either side as he sang, or talked, or read stories.
“I can’t wait to meet you,” he could be heard saying before kissing the top of her bump, looking up and past the camera to his wife, smiling lovingly.
There were images of Christmas, Gemma having caught an intimate moment between the two of them, Y/N sat in between Harry’s legs on the floor, mugs of hot chocolate in her hands and still in their Christmas Pajamas, Harry’s cheek pressed against hers as he held up a blue Gucci baby suit in front of them, smiling and gushing about how small it was.
The couple’s silhouette could be seen in the dark light sky as they stood in the middle of the field, illuminated by the New Years’ fireworks that went off in the distance, Y/N’s belly pressed against Harry’s stomach as they kissed intimately amongst their friends.
A small baby shower inside one of their London country homes was next, littered with a few familiar faces along with some that were likely family members. Harry still sang in the background as the two of them opened gifts, smiling and laughing with each other, genuine happiness and love could be seen on everyone’s faces and a few people popped onto the screen to say a few words for the unborn baby.
“You have wonderful parents,” Y/N’s parents grinned, her mom getting teary-eyed. “I can’t wait to see the person you become.”
Anne’s bright, shining smile was next, “You’re going to do amazing things. You are so loved.”
“Hi, my sweet nephew! It’s Auntie Gemma,” she grinned, waving at the camera, “I can’t wait to meet you and snuggle you! I hope you grow up to be just as kind and loving as your parents. We are so lucky to have you in our lives.”
Harry and Y/N were seen in the background, Y/N eating a slice of cake while Harry casually kissed her cheek before stealing a bite of her food, earning a smile from his pregnant wife
Video panned over their newly renovated nursery, mostly designed to be gender-neutral with little hints of outer space; moon lights, a solar system mobile hanging above the cot, with a star blanket draped over the nursing chair. Harry moved the camera to Y/N who was hanging some onesies in the nursery closet, smiling and waving at the camera.
Next, they were laying in bed. It was dark and, but a glow from a nightstand shone and Y/N’s belly was visible, round and very pregnant, a few freckles near her navel, and the faintest linea nigra could be seen running from her belly button down towards the bottom of her belly. Their voices were barely audible over the music still sung by Harry. A little ripple on her belly cast from left to right and then her belly distorted a little as their baby boy kicked and pressed against the center of her bump, making the couple laugh and Harry’s hand appeared, softly rubbing where his son’s foot would be.
It changed. They were in a hospital now, Y/N in a grey and white spotted hospital gown. The camera was propped on a table filming Y/N who sat on the edge of her bed, moving her hips from side to side as she breathed heavily, moaning, while Harry kneeled on the floor in front of her, his hands on her hips and squeezing to relieve some pressure. They were talking to each other, concern, and empathy clear on Harry’s face.
In the next clip, Y/N was laying back in her hospital bed, sucking on gas and air. Harry was filming this time, and his Anne could be seen this time, sitting on Y/N’s other side holding her daughter-in-law’s free hand. Y/N put the gas and air down, gave a thumbs-up, and smiled, “We’re having a baby today!” as her mother-in-law smiled brightly.
The footage faded to black before it flashed to Y/N looking at someone just out of view as the disembodied voice said, “Whenever you feel the urge to push, let us know. You’ll be meeting your son soon.”
It faded to black again, Harry’s singing more evident in these moments, louder, as the footage flashed back into focus. The camera was, once again, being propped up on a table. At Y/N’s head on either side stood Anne who was still holding her daughter-in-law’s hand, while Harry stood, back to the camera, mostly blocking the view of his wife as one hand stroked her hair and the other held her hand. The doctors could be heard saying, “Deep breath” before Y/N took a deep breath in, bringing her legs to her chest with the help of a few nurses that could hardly be seen, bearing down and pushing as the nurses counted and Harry said, “Great job, love. Keep going. You’re so strong.”
The screen went black. A doctor’s voice was heard saying, “One more big push.” Y/N could be heard taking a deep breath, and a little exasperated yelp before gasping from both Harry and Anne followed by the beautiful, gurgling cry of their baby. Harry’s sweet singing voice in the background of the video got louder and finally, the video came back into view of a little name card on the bassinet that read:
Name: P, Styles.
DOB: March 18th
Weight: 6 lbs 12 oz
Height: 20 inches
Time: 8:39 PM
The camera panned down to the top of a blue baby cap with a white embroidered ‘P’ in the center, moving as their son wiggled in his bassinet, the hushed reassuring whispers of his parents heard just behind the camera as little lip-smacking and coos could be heard from the baby.
The screen went blank as the song started to end and white words appeared on the screen.
“Welcome to the world, Baby P. We love you to the ends of the earth.
Love,
Mummy and Daddy”
------------------------------------
Taglist:
@odetostep , @thurhomish
#Harry styles imagine#harry styles one shot#harry styles oneshot#harry styles blurb#harry styles dad#dad!harry#pregnant#harry styles fanfic#harry styles fan fic#harry styles smut#harry#one direction#1d
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"Dating George Harrison would be like..." Headcannon
(a/n: I'M BACK IN ANOTHER STRESSFUL COLLEGE SEMESTER AND WRITING IS THE ONLY THING THAT WILL HELP ME COPE. I'VE BEEN SITTING ON THIS HEADCANNON IDEA FOR MONTHS BUT DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO FORMULATE IT. I don't even care how many notes it gets, I just wanna write cause I missed doing it😩; *WwABRIM* but anyone is welcome to read😌💜)
Warnings: NSFW mentions in one area BUT nothing bad per say.
Time Set: For this specific one I'll go with early/mid '70s👌🏾
If there's one thing you didn't expect....it would be the fact that on some random Saturday afternoon, you'd be napping on a large picnic blanket in your backyard with George laying next to you with his legs crossed, hands behind his head and an open composition book filled with lyrics covering his face🥺💞
(a/n: PLSSKSKSKSK THAT IS SO CUTE I'M OVA HERE ABOUT TO LITERALLY BAWL WHY DID I PLAY MYSELF LIKE THIS PLS SEND HELP I-)
SO...you two crossed paths TWICE. You're a renowned lens jockey a.k.a music photographer AND videographer and any band that is a BAND, or singer that is a SINGER...is shot or filmed by you😌🥃
You lended your expertise to capture George and The Boiz🐞™️ during the production of the Get Back (Let it Be) sessions AND Abbey Road sessions
He peeped the quality in your craft and enjoyed your "contagious creative aura" so he started hanging out with you 💫platonically💫
Y'all got very close and I'm pretty sure he name dropped you in every other sentence of a conversation he had with someone that had to do with cameras and what-not
The footage and shots you got from those sessions would go down in rock history as being one of your most notable works..................................
THAT IS UNTIL................
A manager by the name of Peter Grant-
(a/n: oh yeah; iykyk😏 Top 10 Best Anime Crossovers)
Requested and commissioned you to be the photographer and videographer for a cute little band🙂..............
Zeppelin......the band was Led Zeppelin👀
It was a great experience and George was glad that you were out there dominating the photography field-
But sometimes you'd bring up in a conversation with him how Robert Plant also admired your work and you'd do solo shoots for him at his cute little country home, and uhh......he was a little jealous😔
And sure, at first George was all like "Ooooh, I think he's growing romantically fond of you😘🍸" AS A JOKE....but after a while.....he didn't think it was a joke anymore😞
Homeboy realized he was literally involved in a game of fastball now, so he went ahead and did the UNTHINKABLE
Not really...but it caught you off guard
You two were out at an outdoor farmer's market near your place just looking around-
When he pulls you into a nearly empty cobblestone bookstore nearby and kisses you for what you believe is a good 15 minutes, or at least to you it felt like it although it only lasted a few good seconds....but you were so mesmerized it felt like forever<3
When you finally caught your bearing and reality set in you kinda just covered your mouth in surprise and looked at him while he cornered you waiting for you to say something-
It's like it took you ALL THIS TIME to FINALLY get starstruck,
"Did you mean to do that?", "Yes I did, and I probably should have done it a long time ago.", "I didn't know you felt this way, I wish you would've told me sooner"
The way you said those words was enough to make his heart stop
"Oh no, are you two seeing each other? If so I do apologize-" *you had to calm this boy's nerves where he was so worried, bless his heart*
"Me and Robert?! Absolutely not, I haven't talked to him since I did their last shoot and I always talk to Grant first. You have nothing to worry about,"
That reassurance allowed him to exhale peacefully and actually express how he really felt about you, and you were able to do the same allowing for you both to finally fess up about your love for one another!
THE WAY YOU AND GEORGE COEXIST IS AMAZING! Truly a beautiful pair🤍
You both are creatives and travel a lot so the time you spend together is just that much more important and special
You two LOVE going to various exibits, festivals, concerts, film viewings, small get-togethers, LARGE get-togethers, you name it! You absolutely love the arts.
You two also have your days where you enjoy being home-bodies, you enjoy the peace and solitude of personal space, one on one time, and even prayer and meditation.
George especially loves spending time at your house most of all because of how peaceful he finds it to be, he is OBSESSED with your backyard specifically because of this secluded bushy garden area you have.
He likes to set up camp there with a picnic blanket and have you keep his company while he writes, or sings, or plays guitar, or reads, or even vents to you. And he appreciates that you always listen and he always does the same.
He loves to hear about your experiences and outlooks about life, what motivates you, what inspired you to get to where you are, your doubts, setbacks, and triumps, differences and similarities in cultures. He likes to talk about it ALL.
When I tell you this man is 👏🏾DOWN👏🏾BAD when it comes to you and embracing the melanin😩
He came in your bedroom one evening while you were sitting criss-cross on your big ole bed, tending to your hair while Ruler of my Heart by Irma Thomas was in rotation.
He didn't know if it was the smell of the coconut in the hair grease, the cocoa butter you just moisturized with, or even the raw emotions and soul that was pouring out of your record player, but he DID know that he was gonna do some sinful things to you that evening🥃
YOU ALSO VERY MUCH APPRECIATE THAT HE KNOWS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TERMS "HARDER" AND "FASTER". VERY MUCH SO.
But I digress.....
Talk about excellent support system, you like to tease him sometimes by humming some of his old tunes, you sang 'Do you want to know a Secret' while dancing around your living room and he randomly joined in and that dumb starstruck syndrome thingy hit again...your knees almost gave out....he ended up turning the joke on you instead😖
Number one hype person regardless, you sang Crackerbox Palace with a group of randos once when it came on at a kickback you both were invited to, where you tipsy? Yes. But was it an out of body experience? Absolutely.
You know your feelings for someone is severe when your heart does a lil flip whenever their name is mentioned.
That's an effect that you both have on each other, whether you are in the same room or hundreds of miles apart.
What you two got going on? That's real love if anyone's ever seen it💞
#Yup...dis da one#headcanon#my writing#george harrison#the beatles#the beatles fanfiction#classic rock fanfiction#classic rock fanfic#the british invasion
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In Focus: The Truman Show.
Inspired by Letterboxd data that revealed it to be a lockdown favorite, editor-at-large Dominic Corry looks at the ever-evolving importance of contemporary masterpiece The Truman Show.
It has long been apparent that The Truman Show is an unnervingly prescient film. The story of a man who becomes aware that his superficially idyllic life is, in fact, a live-streamed television show has gone from being high-concept to every-day.
Thanks to the three Ps—the prevalence of mass urban surveillance, the proliferation of reality television and the pervasiveness of video in social media—the notion of cameras filming our every move is no longer a paranoid fantasy, but real life. The twist being that, for the most part, we all willingly signed up for it, and did all the filming ourselves. As Yi Jian saliently observes in his review: “Not to get all ‘we live in a society’ on Letterboxd but I know a person or two in real life that would actually give anything to trade lives with Truman, it do be like that sometimes”. It indeed do, Yi Jian.
So it’s something of a cliché at this stage to point out how we are all living in some version of the The Truman Show, and you don’t have to be a member of the royal family to feel that way. Yet, somehow, the film has become even more pertinent over the last eighteen months. And it’s a pertinence reflected in the massive uptick in viewership for the film as seen in Letterboxd activity.
During the month of February 2020, the last moment of the Before Times, The Truman Show had a modest 1,235 diary entries. That number tripled in April of that year, by which time the seriousness of the pandemic had become clear. And by July, deep in the worst of the pandemic, Truman fervor peaked, with a further 178 percent leap over April’s numbers, firmly placing it in the top 200 films watched by our members in a year of lockdown. (By the way, ‘diary entries’ mean activity where the member has added a watched date; many thousands more also marked Truman as ‘watched’ in those dark months, but didn’t specify a date.)
It’s not difficult to imagine why we might become more interested in revisiting this eminently re-visitable film. During lockdown, social media—including Letterboxd—took on a greater presence in terms of how we communicated with each other. We got used to seeing footage of faces more than actual faces. We were all the stars of our own ‘Truman Show’, and simultaneously the audience of everyone else’s ‘Truman Show’.
Christian Torres boiled it down effectively when he wrote: “Now every movie I see seems to be related to my life in quarantine. I am Truman and I want to escape.” And Sonya Sandra eloquently captured the film’s increased contemporary significance in her review: “This is a real-life daylight horror film. The best kind. Even more relevant in 2021 than ever. We are all Truman, we all want to find what is real in our fake lives filled with media, capitalism and ideology. And it’s our job to fight the storm and get to the truth of it all. Nothing is real, everything is for profit, and everyone is selfish. Go out and find what is real, because it’s definitely not here.”
With its deft, dazzling blending of the profound and the humorous, the optimistic and the cynical, it’s difficult to think of anything released since The Truman Show that comes as close as it does to being a modern-day Frank Capra movie. It’s hopeful, but has its eyes wide open. There’s a darkness in the themes of the film that is never replicated in the colors on display.
While everyone involved delivers career-best work, we must principally credit the triumvirate of talent at the center of the film: director Peter Weir, screenwriter Andrew Niccol and star Jim Carrey.
Star Jim Carrey and director Peter Weir on the set of ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).
Weir is a director who inspires much online love whenever his name is mentioned, but he isn’t really mentioned all that often. Or at least as often as he should be. The Australian filmmaker has delivered masterpieces across multiple genres, and it’s extremely sad that he hasn’t directed a movie since 2010’s not-quite-true World War II drama The Way Back, arguably one of his lesser works. That’s also, insanely, one of only two movies he’s made since Truman, the other being Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World, the wide and rabid affection for which regularly kicks up on Twitter (not to mention demand for a sequel).
Weir doesn’t do many interviews, and while this 2018 Vanity Fair article marking Truman’s twentieth anniversary has many quotes about the film’s modern relevance, Weir doesn’t offer any commentary to that effect, presumably preferring to let the work speak for itself—though in this 1998 interview he did talk about the relationship between the media, the general public and the people we become fascinated with, as a “complex situation”.
The Vanity Fair article does, however, reveal a fascinating ‘what if’ scenario relating to Christof, the god-like director of the in-movie TV show played by Ed Harris, who offers up a pile of pretentious auteur clichés: mononymous, beret, etc. (beyond the whole god thing, that is). When Dennis Hopper, originally cast in the role, wasn’t working out, Weir considered playing the role himself, which would’ve added yet another meta layer. It brings to mind how George Miller styled Immortan Joe (played by Hugh Keays-Byrne) after himself in Mad Max: Fury Road, or how Christopher Nolan’s haircut shows up in most of his films.
Ed Harris as Christof in ‘The Truman Show’ (1998).
And, at one point, it could have gone mega-meta. Weir, in the 1998 interview, talked about a “crazy idea” he had, a technical impossibility back then but easily achievable with live-streaming now. “I would have loved to have had a video camera installed in every theater the film was to be seen [in]. At one point, the projectionist would … cut to the viewers in the cinema and then back to the movie. But I thought it was best to leave that idea untested.” Imagine.
Weir also played a role in helping to shape the originally much more overtly dark screenplay into the cheerier (on the surface at least) shooting script, which is solely credited to fellow antipodean, New Zealand-born Niccol, also a producer on the film. Both men have done the majority of their work in America, but it’s tempting to credit the film’s tone-perfect sense of heightened Americana to the degree of separation offered by their foreign provenance. In any case, it’s clear that open-air mall designers were paying attention.
Niccol’s original screenplay made his name in Hollywood, and revealed a storyteller excited by big ideas. He moved into directing with the smaller-scale Gattaca, released a year prior to Truman (itself delayed to meet Carrey’s availability). Niccol’s subsequent filmography includes several legit bangers (Lord of War hive step up!), and his endearing dedication to lofty allegories in a genre setting makes him an increasingly rare breed in Hollywood.
Like Weir, he is not the greatest fan of giving interviews, but the Vanity Fair piece quotes him making an interesting point: “When you know there is a camera, there is no reality,” thereby making Truman “the only genuine reality star.”
It’s a sentiment echoed by MusicMoviesMe, who writes that “‘Truman Show’ beats all other reality shows out there like Bachelors, Survivors and Kardashians. Come on, when you know there’s a camera at your tail, there’s no reality. So yes, Truman beats all reality shows out there bar none!”
The role was perfectly suited to Jim Carrey’s affected mannerisms, and his status as one of the world’s biggest stars meant he could relate to Truman more than most people. Then, at least. Nowadays, of course, we are all Truman.
“It is always incredible to see how far The Truman Show was ahead of [its] time,” observes The Closer79. “In a world where celebs are monitored 24/7 and we are showered with unnecessary private information on the web, where talent-free wannabes become famous and where you sometimes [wonder] what kind of surreal show society you are in—Truman and his fake show life cleverly have anticipated all of this. Only Truman knew nothing of his luck and he was granted an escape from his glass prison. We don’t really have this possibility… Aren’t we all Truman? Sometimes even voluntarily…”
Austin Burke concurs: “I have always known that I really enjoyed this film, but I had no clue that it would hold up so well years later… Could this be because the strange world that he finds himself in is far more similar to our world today? Possibly, but the idea and themes are so much more relevant now compared to when this originally released.” And while DallasFrance is conscious of piling on about the film’s prescience, his review highlights how there really is no limit to the film’s meta qualities:
“Instead of writing a review about how this film predicted social media, or how we’re all Truman, or yadda yadda yadda, I’ll instead fixate on the miraculous fact that two absolute legends were cast as primary viewers of the Truman Show:
1. The old lady from The Running Man who starts betting on Ben Richards (Arnold Schwarzenegger). ‘He’s one bad motherf*cker!’
2. The villain from The Karate Kid Part II:
‘Live or die, man?!’
‘Die!’
‘Wrong!’ *hooooonnnkkk*
I’ve never seen either of these actors in any other roles. With the second one, I felt like I was watching a character from my childhood watch a character from his childhood come to realizations about the characters in his childhood. So actually… the movie’s really about me.”
Never change, LB membership.
We are all generally pretty aware of how ahead of its time The Truman Show was, but that doesn’t lessen its impact. Maddie’s review shows that there’s always some new angle to consider: “Imagine being an extra in this movie… You would be an extra, playing an actor, playing an extra. Think about that long enough and tell me that doesn’t make you want to walk into the ocean.”
Kev goes even further: “Watching other people watch somebody else while also watching that person while also watching the person watching over that person is a great reminder that watching is weird, and to be watched is to not own yourself. Don’t watch, don’t try to be watched. Just live.”
Or perhaps Will encapsulates the film’s ability to present an ever-evolving message best, writing that, “clearly, this is video proof that we live in a simulation.” Beyond mere prescience, The Truman Show is a telling mirror to whatever era it is viewed in. Its message will continue to evolve.
Now that we’re finally (touch wood) emerging from the pandemic, it will be fascinating to see what The Truman Show has to say about its audience and the world they live in, in years to come. Rest assured, it will be well-documented by you, the Letterboxd audience.
Also: can Peter Weir please make another movie? Like, seriously.
Related content
A Meta-Reality: Robert’s list of layers of film in life and life in film
Follow Dom on Letterboxd
#the truman show#truman#peter weir#jim carrey#andrew niccol#letterboxd#lockdown#quarantine#coronavirus#pandemic#movies#comfort films#comedy#truman show
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Regarding Scarletvision prompts.....I’m such a sucker for the trope where one member of a couple goes apeshit and all protective/NO TOUCH when they think the other member is grievously hurt, maybe something like that with Vision instead of Wanda? With potential fluff/comfort once things are fine. Your fics are wonderful!!
anon you are totally speaking my language with this prompt!! I absolutely love this trope so much too (and was actually halfway through writing one where Wanda loses her shit). Decided to go with Vision for this because we don’t often see him lose his cool in canon. Thanks for this request!
Really hope you enjoy!
| read on AO3 here | send me a scarlet vision prompt |
Wanda and Vision’s Mixtape Track #17: Can You Feel My Heart
One year into being a fugitive Wanda gets cornered, Vision sees the news in real time and runs to her aid. Aka Vision going apeshit when he thinks Wanda is dead.
Warnings: angst, references to guns and blood.
“Vision, look at me,” Tony said waving a hand in front of Vision’s eyes in an attempt to get his attention. “You can’t go. You understand that right?”
Vision dipped his chin in acknowledgement even as his brain ran furious probability equations through and through again. But they came back low again, and again, and again. There was only going to be one option.
“Yeah, I don’t know about that,” Rhodey said from his seat before the flatscreen occupying half the wall of the strategy room they had gathered in. “Tony, this looks pretty bad.”
Vision turned his head and his gaze to the lights flashing across the screen, a live news report of everything that was going down in New York.
Tony swore at the sight before them, and Vision put a pause to his maths in shock. The camera was tracking a hooded redhead through a crowded street, suddenly zooming in on the individual’s face as she turned her head to look over her shoulder.
“Wanda Maximoff has been a fugitive since 2016 when she was decreed an international criminal by the United Nations,” the news reporter said over more footage of Wanda blending in as best she could with the crowds of the city. “While Maximoff has evaded capture for over a year, authorities now believe they are close to apprehending her.”
At this Vision had to quickly let go of the chair he was sitting in, lest he split the arm rests in two.
“We go live now to New York. Please be aware the next clip could be distressing to some viewers”
Tony scrambled to turn the news off even as Vision overrode his authority, ordering the compound AI to keep the report running.
The scene changed once more, and Vision watched as the crowd parted around Wanda as she engaged in a close combat fight with a man clad all in black. Her red magic had him restrained immediately as she spun around, a clear attempt to identify her best exit route. From that moment Vision knew her chances of getting out unharmed were dismal. In those precious seconds another agent was at her back, smartly keeping his distance and instead engaging her with his taser. Wanda’s head snapped up as her body jerked, but she somehow managed to twist around and send the man flying away. All around her agents emerged from the throngs of people trying to get off the main street. They began to close in like a pack of predators.
“Vision—” Tony said reaching out, but he was too late. Vision had risen without thinking when he saw the first taser, his legs moving of their own accord so that he had phased through the wall and was flying out away from the compound in moments. He’d never pushed himself to see how fast he could really travel and now he’d need every ounce of power to get to Wanda’s side in time.
The world was a blur, even to him. The only thing that kept his worries at bay was her in his head, the closer he got the louder her cries grew. He didn’t know how she was doing it; she’d always needed direct physical contact for her voice to be this loud in his head. He reached the streets of New York with her voice as his guiding light.
‘I need you.’ She was weaker now. ‘Hurry.’
He was close now, all she had to do was keep talking.
‘I hear you, I’m coming for you,’Vision thought back, but he couldn’t say for certain if his voice reached her.
It didn’t matter though, he had arrived.
Vision managed to slow himself down enough to land, though his feet shredded the asphalt beneath him. Bullets flew his way immediately but he sidestepped easily and used the mind stone to blast two agent’s guns to pieces in their hands. The few bystanders left at the edge of the arena now before them, realised this was their indication to leave. They were quickly replaced by what must have been a hundred soldiers.
Another agent took a run at Vision, electrified baton raised but all it took was a well-placed foot to send him to the ground. Vision continued walking forward, reading for the next onslaught even as Wanda’s voice echoed in his head again. ‘You shouldn’t have come’.
That made him angrier. He didn’t blink as he took out the next three agents before disarming two soldiers who’d mistakenly decided to try their luck against his inhuman body and the power inlaid in his forehead. They’d had enough difficulty restraining Wanda with carefully directed electrified pulses that had her incapacitated, on her knees in pain. They tried the same, turning the pulsing weapons his way but the energy passed harmlessly over him as he phased, carefully avoiding it. He was almost at her now, if he could just get to her side and get her out of the square, away, safe, alive. It was all he could think about.
Someone must have figured that out because next thing Vision knew, all weapons were trained on Wanda.
“Stay right where you are,” a voice crackled over a loudspeaker from a waiting cop car.
Vision didn’t stop until someone took a carefully aimed warning shot and he heard Wanda cry out in pain as she was hit by something. He didn’t know if it was just another pulse or if it was something more final.
The loudspeaker crackled again. “You take one more step and we won’t be taking her into custody, she’ll be going somewhere much more final.”
Vision had been learning a lot about feelings in the last year with Wanda. He’d experienced joy, love, lust, longing. He’d discovered these were warm emotions. Now he knew what rage tasted like.
Rage was cold, so cold. Rage made him irrational. And he was about to discover what happened when he turned that rage against others.
Wanda was on the ground again, clutching at her knee. So, it had been a bullet then. Vision’s shoulders trembled with unrestrained rage as she locked eyes with him, and a bloody, desperate hand reaching out.
And Vision exploded.
Eye-witness accounts would later say it was like the street had come to life. Others would say they thought a Chitarui ship had broken free from beneath the city, that the street had risen from the ground like a huge snake. Others still, would describe the red man, who had supposedly faced down two hundred members of the defence force, as impossibly fast, the yellow energy crackling around him like lighting. They’d say it felt dangerous, it was an ancient power that made the hairs at the back of your neck rise and your gut scream at you to run in the opposite direction. Those testimonies would never reach the news because no one could believe them.
Vision himself couldn’t be entirely sure what happened. He only recalled that he acted without thinking, his movements entirely guided by the immensity of rage crackling through his blood, calling to the stone at his forehead.
The stone, which so often sat dormant at his forehead, acted without his control. The power spread throughout his body and in his anger, he raised his hands, the golden light phasing and crackling about his arms, and thrust them towards the ground with a cry.
The soldiers didn’t have time to use Wanda as bargaining tool as he did this. As the power hit the tarmac the street shuddered and cracked. It didn’t reach the surrounding buildings, restrained only to the street and those who tried to weaponize Vision’s lover. She’d already been used that way once; he’d never let her be trapped again.
With the armed forces in varying levels of disarray, some injured while others just stunned at what they had seen, Vision darted towards Wanda.
The news would later say that an unidentified man and woman arrived on the scene some point into the chaos, but they would never be able to identify the individuals. Something about their cameras conveniently cutting out just in time.
Steve and Natasha raced for Wanda, lying prone and vulnerable in the middle of the street. They’d sent her out for the regular grocery run but hadn’t anticipated her getting caught. Afterall, they’d been in New York often in the last year and had never had problems like this. Vision was quicker and again it was as though the stone acted on his emotions. It took him a moment to recognise Nat and Steve past the caps pulled low over their heads and the masks taking up lower half of their faces, but by then the stone had already done what he must have deemed necessary, at least subconsciously.
As he reached Wanda’s side, throwing himself to his knees beside her and desperately surveying her body for injuries, a barrier appeared crackling in the air around them. Whatever irrational part of him that had seen his old teammates as a risk, wasn’t going to quieten down until he was sure Wanda was safe.
Steve didn’t manage to stop in time and went flying off the barrier. Nat helped him to his feet even as they both hesitated behind the crackling ring of gold energy. Vision didn’t know how to lower the barrier, but at that moment it was the least of his concerns.
“Wanda,” he whispered lifting her carefully and drawing her into his lap. He supported her shoulders and laid a hand against her cheek even as her eyes cracked open. Her lip trembled even as she winced, trying to sit up.
“You weren’t supposed to come,” she said, coughing slightly. “I had it covered.”
“Evidently,” he murmured absentmindedly looking over her knee, glad it had only been grazed by the bullet. The rest of her was fairly scratched up from hitting the ground so many times, but she was remarkably okay. “You know I couldn’t stay away.”
“We promised,” she said, and Vision saw the tears welling in her eyes. “We promised we wouldn’t put each other at risk.”
Vision sighed, if she had the time to worry about him in her state then she really had to be okay. His relief was immeasurable as he dropped his shoulders and pressed his forehead to hers lightly, taking comfort in their shared breaths, evidence they were both still alive. He had thought the worst for a moment.
As he closed his eyes the barrier around them dropped and Steve and Nat were finally able to get to the pair.
“We need to leave, now,” Steve said with all the authority of the leader he had once been. “They’ve called for reinforcements and with the guns their bringing in, we won’t stand a chance like this.”
Vision helped Wanda stand but when she staggered on her injured knee, he immediately scooped her up.
“You understand the decision you’re making her, Vision,” Nat said as they started away from the scene they had caused. “There’s no going back now, are you staying or coming?”
“Staying is not an option anymore,” Vision said without hesitation. His decision had been made the moment he left the compound.
Wanda sighed sadly but rested her head against the crook of his neck in defeat. “You’ll lose everything.”
“As long as I never have to lose you.”
#Wandavision fanfiction#scarlet vision fanfiction#wanda x vision#wanda maximoff#the vision#scarletvision angst#whump#you all keep asking for angst#so I deliver#Vision is OP is this one#visionsofusfics#also I have 11 prompts waiting in my inbox so I promise I've seen y'all and I'll get round to them asap
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ooh yay! I’m the anon who asked if you had done Gavin’s 5th footage, I was kind of wondering if you could write a his POV? bc I feel like when MC told him she was going to a prison to interview convicts he flipped
I had to reread the 5th Footage, and I agree Gavin in canon was surprisingly okay with it. But here you go, hope you like it x
Title: the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach
Pairing: Gavin x MC
Words: 2,066
From the moment you and your team decided to cover the serial killer that had recently been captured by the police, and he had agreed to your proposal of an interview, you knew that the hardest challenge was yet to come. Gavin wasn’t an overprotective boyfriend, but he was definitely a protective one.
You psyched yourself up all the way back to Gavin’s apartment, holding a couple bags of groceries in your hand as you walked. Hoping to soften Gavin first by cooking him a nutritious, heartfelt meal before you asked for his help. With Gavin’s occupation there was no way you could possibly sneak into the prison to have the interview without him knowing, even if he wasn’t on shift, you had a sneaking suspicion that Gavin would still find out where you had gone. Plus, the bedrock of a healthy and lasting relationship was trust, and even from the start you had never planned to be dishonest with Gavin. Reaching his front door, you placed the bags on the floor, fishing out a silver key to unlock it and step into his apartment. You sighed, reaching into a drawer to pull out the apron you kept in Gavin’s apartment and you quickly set yourself to work, first prepping the vegetables and washing the rice. Within the next hour the cold, clean apartment was soon filled with the various fragrant aromas of the plethora of dishes you were preparing.
Later when Gavin tiredly made his way into the apartment, dragging himself over to the front door, and slots the key into the front heaving a heavy sigh to expel the tiredness from his figure. It had been a long day, from the sheer amount of criminals that passed though the precinct, the time on patrol, and the hours he spent writing police reports and reviewing case files for ongoing investigations, Gavin truly felt that his energy had been completely depleted after his day. His day was also made worse by the lack of his beloved girlfriend in his day, with you in meetings all day and him seemingly on the constant go, neither of you had even been able to even pass a message on to the other, apart from your ritual ‘good morning’ text. Even now, with how late Gavin had finished his shift, he sadly realised that not only was it too late to go see you as you’d probably be getting ready for bed, but also he was just too tired to make his way over to your apartment. He sighed, knowing that even though his place was fully stocked with a multitude of instant noodles, there was no way he had the energy to make anything and he knew he would probably just take a shower and crash for the night. However, much to his surprise instead of the usual silence, what greeted him was the fragrant aromas of home cooked food and the soft humming of yours dancing on the air. Gavin divested himself of his jacket and took off his shoes silently, padding softly towards the kitchen, where he leaned against the doorframe and enjoyed the show.
You were dancing around the room, twirling in your sock covered feet as you sang along to the soft music drifting from your phone speakers. Gavin’s eyes softened as he watched your ponytail sway with your movements and when you paused to check on the pot on the stove, he couldn’t help but come closer to you, your presence had always been enchanting to him but now in the soft lighting of the kitchen, you looked ethereal to him. You were startled on a few seconds, feeling another person’s arms snake their way around your waist. Recognising the clean scent behind you, you sighed contentedly and leaned back into the embrace, Gavin inwardly preened at how you melted in his presence.
“Well, this is a surprise.” Gavin said, pressing a kiss to your temple and then rested his chin on your shoulder.
“A nice surprise?” you question, glancing at him.
“Yeah.” Gavin breathed, and you smiled at the praise before lifting a teaspoon for Gavin to taste, after his nod of approval you turned off the stove and then you both reluctantly detached from each other, so you could place the dishes on the table, whilst Gavin gathered the plates and the cutlery.
The two of you sat down and after a while of soft munching, Gavin noticed that every couple of seconds you would look at him shyly, as if gauging his demeanour. He rolled his eyes playfully, starting to laugh as he wondered as to what was going through your mind, and then reached out and rubbed your hair affectionately, his calloused fingers a sharp contrast to the soft tresses of your hair.
“Okay, what do you want to ask me?” he asked, raising his eyebrow at you.
“What?” you elongated the word, trying to play it off.
Gavin just looked at you, smirking, and you sighed, deciding to just come clean.
“Don’t be mad, okay?” you put down your cutlery, knowing your appetite was definitely gone.
“Depends on what you ask me.” Gavin smiled and helped you gather the dishes to take to the sink.
You both washed the dishes in silence, Gavin deciding not to push you to make you uncomfortable. He was perfectly content to wait until you were ready to ask him, as he was always ready to listen. Instead he stood by you, drying each of the dishes after you had finished stacking them neatly on the counter beside the dish rack. He watched your minute expressional changes as you washed the dishes, keeping his expression calm as he didn’t want to scare you. You always reminded him of a hedgehog at times, and if he wasn’t careful, he’d cause you to raise you spikes at him. When you suddenly paused after the last bowl, Gavin paused too reaching over to lay his warm hands upon your smaller trembling ones, your hands still covered on in the soapy water. A couple seconds passed, and just before Gavin decided to push you a little and ask, you opened your mouth first.
“What would do if I wanted to do a crime interview.?” You blurted out quickly, biting your lip in nervousness, and Gavin’s blood chilled.
Gavin’s hands stilled, and you immediately felt guilty, he then dried his hands and left the kitchen in silence. You turned off the tap, dried your hands and quickly followed, stopping in his living room as you watched him pace back and forth in his living room. You furrowed your brows waiting, as you knew he was trying to gather his thoughts as he didn’t want to yell at you.
Gavin had no idea what you were thinking, it wasn’t that he didn’t believe in your ability, he was your biggest supporter, but this... he felt like he couldn’t. Gavin had seen prison, he’d done prison interviews before, and he had seen hardened criminals, but that was something he didn’t want YOU to see. You weren’t as innocent as you were before the Black Swan incident, but since prison wasn’t just a place anyone could walk into and Gavin wasn’t sure you knew what you were getting into. Plus, Gavin would beat himself up if anything happened to you whilst you were there, and if he was honest the only person he’d trust, other than himself, to protect you was Eli and he had nothing to do with the Loveland Police Force, so that wasn’t an option. He mentally ran through the recent cases that had had arrests made, and a sickening realisation hit him as he remember the serial killer they had recently arrested, and hoping he was wrong he ventured to ask.
“Does this have anything to do with the serial killer that was recently caught?” he asked.
“Well...”
“Does. It?” Gavin gritted his teeth as he spoke, still holding hope he was wrong.
“Yeah...” you looked off to the side, feeling uncomfortable under his glare.
Gavin forcibly exhaled, and then walked towards you, stopping a few inches in front of you and simply offering you his hand. Knowing Gavin would never do anything to hurt you intentionally, you placed your hand in his without hesitation, and Gavin led you over to the couch and both of you sat down. He knew this was going to happen, you had the annoyingly admirable habit of having a hands-on approach to as many of the projects your company was in charge of as possible.
“What is your impression of serial killers?” he asked tiredly, figuring he might as well just find out.
You deliberated for a bit, “Ummmm... I’ve seen ‘Silence of the Lambs’ once during uni.” you admitted.
Gavin sighed, dragging his hand down his face, obviously it was not the same thing, not only was the movie played up at some aspects for shock value, but watching a movie about a serial killer in the comfort of your own home, and sitting in the same room as an actual serial killer were vastly different things.
“But that’s why I brought it up.” your hands rested on his forearm, “Since I’ve never done a crime interview, can you come with me?”
“You promise you won’t go without me?” Gavin turned to look at you.
“I think I’d be too scared to.” you admitted.
Gavin then took his arm from your hold, and then drew you into his embrace as he put his hand around your waist, before leaning back exhausted by the rollercoaster of emotions he had just been on. He had to admit he felt the relief of your request, knowing that you had wanted to ask him for help, and glad that you had at least thought that part through. However, he still felt the apprehension of letting you walk into the prison, even if he’d be by your side the entire time. You rested your head on his chest, listening to his racing heartbeat still feeling bad.
“Sorry, Gavin.” you apologised sincerely.
“No, it’s okay Love, I’d feel worse if you didn’t tell me.” he admitted, resting his hand on his stomach, drumming it tunelessly and rhythmically, allowing the monotonous action to calm him down, and recentre after the scare you just gave him.
You reached over and interlaced your fingers with his, the gentle action causing Gavin to look back at you with a soft smile and he breathed in the summery scent of your hair, squeezing them lightly, “I was always planning to tell you. I know, no more running into danger without letting you know.” you smiled up at him, fishing for praise.
Gavin pressed a kiss to your forehead as a reward, praising you gently, “Glad you learned something from when we dealt with Black Swan.”
“Yeah, I’m so much smarter now, aren’t I?”
“...”
“Gavin!” you sat up and looked at him offended as he laughed boyishly at you, before pulling you back down into his embrace.
“I’m joking, I’m joking. My girl is the smartest person I know.” he placated you, the effect ruined by the mirth in his eyes and the laughter still shaking his figure, you rolled your eyes playfully and snuggled back into him.
“Thanks Gavin,” you responded sarcastically, before finishing sincerely, “but really, thank you for not getting too mad.”
“Well I’ll be with you the whole time so I’ll be able to protect you.” he smiled, leaning his head down against yours, a releasing a yawn, the exhaustion of the day catching up with him.
“You tired?” you asked, and Gavin shook his head, but you knew he was just making excuses because he didn’t want you to leave, so you huffed a laugh and continued, “I only have to go in the office after lunch so...”
“You can stay the night?” he asked, his tired tone lifted with hope.
“Yeah, I can stay.” you stood up, and pulled Gavin up by his hand.
Gavin offered you a lopsided smile, hands resting lightly on your hips, and then after flexing his hands once, he detached from you making his way to the bathroom to take a much-needed shower after his day. Content to know that you’d be staying the night, and his heart jumped knowing that you'd be able to fall asleep in each other’s arms.
#mlqc scenarios#mlqc gavin#mlqc haku#mlqc bai qi#mlqc#mr love queen's choice#mr love gavin#mr love haku#mr love bai qi#love and producer#koi to producer#evol x love
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muse (PG15) - jjk drabble
> genre : fluff, implied smut, comedy
> pairing : jeon jungkook x reader
> words : 1.1k
> warning : implied smut, jjk as a cute sort of peeping tom, lowkey noona kink (because will i ever be able to write this boy w/o it?)
> n/a : I’m on my way back :) so here’s a little nothing- enjoy it if you can lmao
“Hey.”
He doesn’t mean to scare him shitless. He thought about it, during the past few minutes he’s been observing him, sneakily, from the door. He thought about sending the door to bang hard against the wall, growling a “What do you think you’re doing, kid?!”, all loud and threatening. However, the expression he could catch on the younger man’s face as he remained unsuspecting was too soft, too gentle and Namjoon deemed he wasn’t going to be a dick this time.
Therefore, he opted for the more casual and friendlier approach. The latter doesn’t justify the jumping so high, the knocking down of the (thankfully) empty soda can, the hitting his knee so hard under the surface of the desk and the almost falling on his ass, all this from stupor. It’s not Namjoon’s fault. He was careful enough. It’s Jungkook’s. And his conscience.
“What are you doing?” Namjoon decides to ask. Because if he’s going to act so obnoxiously guilty, Namjoon might as well follow along with the script.
“I’m just- I’m just going over some footage from- uh- trip to Jeju.” Jungkook is mumbling, half-heartedly. His hand, set on the mouse, is agitated. He means to close the window, possibly shut the whole computer down but he knows how it’ll look if he were to do so.
Namjoon simply nods, a grin he manages to hide behind a stern expression thanks to years of practising serious looks for his formal presentations. He nods but with an accusatory eyebrow raised and Jungkook doesn’t miss it. He would have drawn it himself if it weren’t there anyway. He hasn’t mentioned anything about the actual footage he’s been watching for the past twenty minutes -only three minutes that Namjoon knows of.
It’s you. Spread out the big screen, totally oblivious to the camera pointed to you, capturing every single one of your gesture, every flutter of your eyelids, every mindless nibble on your lip. You’re reading a book, completely engrossed in it, your attention not quitting the page even when you stop for a second to think something over, frowning slightly your eyebrows before you shake your head and start reading again. It’s what he’s been watching for the past half and hour. Replaying endlessly the twelve minutes and thirty night seconds of you he managed to shoot without you knowing, during the only rainy night you had during your Jeju retreat with Jungkook, Jimin and Seokjin.
This video he feels guilty about because he hasn’t mentioned the existence to anyone, not even you. First of all, because he could have pretended that it was just for one of his short film making that he needed the footage but why he spent so long capturing you, he wouldn’t know how to explain. Why he failed to mention it once he’s had it, this too he wouldn’t know to justify. He thought about doing it earlier this week, once he’s started sharing pictures and short videos he’s taken with you because you demanded he sent you the memories for you to own too. He wanted to because he meant to tell you how pretty you looked on it.
He got struck by it.
By your natural, effortless attractiveness and as something he doesn’t think he really noticed, and certainly never had said to you, he wanted you to hear it from him. But if he were to just say it, you would ask for the footage. He could edit the length of the shot, not let you know he stood for over ten minutes half-hidden behind the curtain to film you read, only to stop when his hyung came to pick him up to head together to the gym -you can hear Seokjin call him and see the camera shake in distraught when he got caught in the act. He couldn’t edit the images to make some details disappear. Like the incriminating nervous tremble of the camera. Or the piercings adorning your nipples flashing obnoxiously through the thin material of your pyjama teeshirt. (It’s not like he zoomed on it or anything. But it’s there. It’s obvious. He had no idea you had them. He doesn’t even remember ever thinking that people got those in real life.) It’s as mesmerizing as your lips moulding around quiet words and your fingers too softly caressing the pages. You’re the most beautiful he’s ever seen you. The sexiest too. He’s hard and enamoured just watching you and he doesn’t think he’d be able to tell you, never mind face you if he ever shows you this.
“What’s going on with your noona, Guk?” Namjoon brings him back to Earth, roughly. He hits the ground back with a thud, face flushed crimson, mouth dry as a desert and hands, folded securely on his lap, shaking even more. Again Namjoon didn’t mean to startle him. He even installed himself on the second desk chair, setting a warm hand on the boy’s shoulder, using his deep paternal voice. The reassuring one that usually unties and liberates Jungkook’s tongue immediately.
“I- not- anything. Nothing. It’s just- I- we were stuck at the hotel and I- I filmed this but-“
“Does she know?” He shakes his head, sad puppy eyes staring guiltily at the screen and the innocent, oblivious picture of you. “Why didn’t you say something? Wouldn’t it be nice to have her look up?” The thought occurred to him. Multiple times. During and after the moment. She does have pretty eyes. He knows she finds them boring but he’s always thought them to hold a little something special. They’re honest and blunt, intense, like a miniature of her soul. They’re soft and kind when she looks up at him, every time, because she’s sweet and gentle with him. That would have been cool to have it on tape. He was paralysed though. Incapable of saying anything, not wanting to break the magic and also, not knowing what to say, how to justify it. He’s never been good at asking people to pose for him, to let them shoot them. He rather them ask or to just let it happen.
“I don’t know. I didn’t want to- I didn’t know how to ask or- just, yeah.”
“Do you like her?” His red cheeks turn even darker, eyes bulging out like it’s the most ridiculous and outrageous thing he’s ever been accused of.
“I don’t! She’s noona- it’s-“
“So what? She’s a beautiful woman and she’s nice and all,” Jungkook listens attentively the words as his gaze grazes over your picture again. Everything he says is true but for some reason, it feels weird to hear. It’s true but it feels so foreign of a concept. Namjoon sighs out loud, piqued. “Did you just notice your noona had boobs or what?” Here, Jungkook’s last straw just breaks. Swiftly turning his back to his hyung, he shuts the video player, then slides his headset back up, evidently deciding the conversation is over.
It’s not necessarily the topic -your “boobs”- that Jungkook is trying to avoid. He’s just embarrassed because as he hears the words again, with that ridiculing tone Namjoon’s just used but louder and meaner in his own head, he realizes that yes, indeed, he just did notice.
#btswriterscollective#gukkienet#networkbangtan#bts fanfic#jungkook fanfic#bts drabble#jungkook drabble#bts fluff#jungkook fluff#bts smut#jungkook smut#my writing
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This is a 2017 interview done by a fan for the fansite, Green Day Authority. It’s super disjointed and fan interviews never ask tough questions, but eh.
Recently, we asked Green Day's management if it would be possible to get an exclusive interview for GDA, our first ever. After some coordination, it was agreed that I could interview them in Omaha (a show I had already planned to attend). I found out on Wednesday afternoon that I would be interviewing them on Saturday, but fortunately, I had already been preparing a list of questions in case it worked out.
Before I go any further, I'll tell you that I had a LOT more questions on my list than there was time for. So, if you're wondering why I didn't ask something in particular, it's probably because we ran out of time. That is the only thing I would change about my whole experience if I had the opportunity.
The arrangement was that one of the tour managers would meet me at the back entrance of the arena before sound check. After going through two layers of security, that's exactly what happened. I was the only non-crew person in sound check (!) and it simply felt surreal to be in that position. I enjoyed it greatly but was, of course, also thinking about how the upcoming interview would go. I wanted to represent GDA and the fan community in a way that would not leave a bad impression while also getting some good discussion from the guys.
After sound check, I was walked back to a room with a couch and a few chairs. I was able to get comfortable and had some help to set up my recording equipment — thanks again to Lauren Banjo and Daniel, my son, for helping me get exactly the right device for recording the interview. In just a few minutes, in walked Billie, Mike and Tre. I have to say that, in all the times I've seen them, they have never looked better. They seemed relaxed, happy, and bursting with good health. They all sat down, and we got started.
Aside from running out of time (though, to be honest, it would have taken hours to work through all my questions), I'm reasonably pleased with the way it all turned out. The guys were so incredibly nice and seemed to be totally engaged in the moment we were all sharing together. They really thought about their answers and seemed to enjoy the discussion. Here's the first installment of the interview — we talked about music, touring, and special shows. I did you all a favor and removed a lot of my rambling when I was asking the questions. Enjoy!
"J'net: Guys, you work so hard, and we see how hard you work. During shows, you give so much of your emotion, yourselves, and your life energy to what you do. What keeps you going and keeps you so passionate about what you're doing?
Mike: You said it, 'passion.' We only know how to do this one way — give 100%. It's just driven into us, I guess.
Tre: It's the way we're wired.
Mike: The music moves us the same way with the energy from the crowd.
Billie: I agree. We love what we do. I think there've even been times when I thought, 'Maybe I'll take it easy tonight,' and then as soon as you hit the stage, it's just 'All systems go!' It's just a natural response for me. Really no other way to explain it.
Mike: I always think, 'I don't know if I'll always be able to give what 100% is today, but I'll always give 100% of what I have to offer.' I don't think these engines know how to run any differently.
J'net: Well, it's awesome. Your fans appreciate it so much. I wish you guys could just sometimes sit out in line, y'know? We get in line as early as we can and we compare notes ... "Well, we're driving from Kansas City as soon as the show's over..."
Mike: You guys should film some of that. We never get to see it, it's cool! Film some of that interaction and maybe post some of that stuff too, it's rad!
Billie & Tre: Yeah!
J'net: [thinks to self: challenge accepted!] I'd be glad to do that, yeah. I mean, everybody would, even the people who know how to do that [technical stuff] … like Billie, he's pretty good with all the Facebook Lives and Instagram.
Billie: Yeah, I'm getting pretty awesome — Billie Joe Zuckerberg!
J'net: Right … 'Now where's the off button?...'
Billie: Thank God for two young sons, man! They can tell you everything.
Mike: I have to call my wife [laughs]. My wife's still young, she knows how to do that shit!
J'net: Music is an emotional experience, and some of your songs are so emotional. Do you ever feel overcome by the emotion when you're performing, or are you somehow in performance mode so you can rise above it?
Billie: I definitely go there. Like that line 'I'm like a son that was raised without a father,' — that's a button-pusher for me. Also with Forever Now, and also lately with playing '21 Guns' acoustic … when I get emotional is when I hear people singing along — when I hear voices that loud. I think with Green Day, we create an atmosphere that's as close to a European crowd that you can get — with people singing along, almost like a soccer anthem. And I love seeing people who are normally self-conscious when they lose it. I try to push people to just lose it when they come to our shows. Some nights, people are so pent up with energy, they don't even know that they have inside them. And I try to get people to dance like no one's watching and sing like no one's listening — just go for it!
J'net: Do you have favorite show moments that you like to think back on?
Billie: Smashing my guitar against the Subaru just the other night was pretty fun. [laughs] That's a first. I've never done that before.
Mike: There are favorite moments of each show. We go backstage after the show, and we talk about all the rad things that happened.
Billie: There's so many different things that we see going on in the crowd. There was a guy that was like an ex-hippie that was in the house the other night, I think in Portland. He was in the back, and I could see him just dancing and singing all night long. He was probably about the same age as my brother — about 65, and it was fun to just watch him. That's the kind of stuff I like to remember. "
Watch for the next installment of the interview! We’ll also be sharing more of the audio from our favorite moments.
The second part of our interview focuses on the band's latest movie project, 'Turn It Around: The Story of East Bay Punk.' They helped produce it with filmmaker and longtime friend, Corbett Redford.
The day after the Omaha show, my son Daniel and I started the drive back home to Tulsa, but stopped in Kansas City to see the movie. We went to a great independent theater there, Screenland at Tapcade, and when it was time for the movie to start, we settled ourselves in for a fascinating evening.
There's so much to absorb in this movie, but it's compelling all the way through. There is a great deal of history that is lovingly captured and discussed. We feel we need to see it again and again, so It's good to know that a deal is in the works to distribute for home viewing, and that, according to Corbett Redford, "the DVD, Blu-Ray is being worked on, designed, mastered and readied for manufacturing."
So many people were interviewed for this movie that I couldn't possibly list them all. The interviews were often just as interesting, funny, or emotional as the vintage footage of events from the beginnings of East Bay punk. It was a touching movie with many emotional moments (at least for us). Two or three of the people who were interviewed in the movie came close to tears as they were talking about the past and their connection to the famed 924 Gilman Street.
For Green Day fans, as well as fans of many of the other bands involved in those early days of East Bay punk, there is rare and wonderful vintage footage that really gives a feel for what those early days were like.
The writing by Corbett Redford and Anthony Marchitiello is exceptionally fine — it tells a story that could have been overwhelmingly complex in an articulate, accessible, and moving way. The narration by Iggy Pop, the animations (credited to Tim Armstrong, J. Bonner, and Alex Koll), the cinematography and photographic direction by Greg Schneider, and the hand lettering (credited to Aaron Cometbus) are simply delightful and absolutely enrich the content of the movie.
I loved the way some of the newer interview footage had a "distressed" look to be more compatible with the footage it was matched with in the film. As Corbett said when I mentioned this to him, "The distressed VHS happened as our crew filmed EVERY interview with an old VHS camera! So that wasn't an effect, it was real! We decided as a crew that VHS and black and white Xerox were going to be our two main go-to 'themes' - so Greg went and bought a VHS camera, and voila!" There were obviously a lot of eyes on this film making sure that every little detail was as perfect as could be. There's no question in my mind that it was made with hearts full of love.
Here's part two of our interview:
"J'net: 'Turn it Around' is getting such incredible response from most reviewers and many in the punk community. Do you feel more acceptance coming from the community than you may have felt previously? Is there a partial 'return from 86'?
Mike: The spirit of the movie is that it was made by the people in the community, and if you took Green Day out of it, it's still an unbelievable documentary. We basically stepped aside and let the movie get made the way it should be made. We realized that should be the anchor — the beginning, that's the beginning. [We wanted] for people to understand the different ingredients it took to make where we are and … to make the beginning…
Billie: For us, when I was talking to Corbett, it was — 'Let's do a documentary that could inspire the next generation to create their own scene and not just talk about how you had to be there.' Because almost every scene documentary I've ever seen has a 'glory days' thing about it, where, with this one, you see the people like Michelle Gonzalez, who's a teacher and an author, and Miranda July, who’s a filmmaker and artist, and there are people who are activists, still playing music and active in the community. We approached it like, 'Let's not turn this into a piss and vinegar fest.'
Billie: And if it wasn't for Tim Yohannon, even though we had big differences in the past, we wouldn't have had a place to play because he, with other people, created and made Gilman Street happen - and that I'm super grateful for. So if there's a story that you watch out for, it's what Tim Yohannon has done for the bay area scene and globally also.
J'net: And Corbett did a great job realizing the vision of the movie.
Mike: Corbett kind of did the impossible. You talk about a bunch of people in the scene — you know everybody's in that scene because we're all latchkey kids and come from some fucked up background, right? So then you have to get all the bands to agree to put their music on it this many years later. We had no doubt that he's an incredibly intelligent person and an artful person, but he fuckin' did it.
Tre: He's always been super resourceful, and it's kind of like now he's all grown up.
Mike: All we had to do was talk him off the ledge a couple times. I mean, we'd go in his office, and it looked like 'A Beautiful Mind.' There's writing everywhere and he's like (Mike demonstrates hyperventilating). It started off he didn't have a beard, and then he turned into Father Time.
J'net: Did the fact that he's so well-respected in the community and such a genuine person help him to get buy-in from the people who participated?
Mike: And the other people he recruited, like Kamala Parks and Anthony (Marchitiello) and Eggplant and Tim Armstrong, are highly respected and helping to make this thing. And it's like, 'Wait a minute, this isn't like a Warner Brothers movie. This is people who were actually in the scene making it.' And when they would vouch for him, it became even more helpful."
We're pretty sure we spotted a cameo of Mr. Redford himself, but I won't put a spoiler here by hinting where to watch for him! For the same reason, I'm not going to tell you details of my favorite parts of the movie. When the opportunity arises, you should pick out your own favorites, and next time we're sitting in line for a Green Day show, we can compare notes.
Bottom line, whether you watch the movie because you're interested in the captivating history of East Bay punk or because you want to see how Green Day got their start or both, you aren't likely to be disappointed. The movie is great entertainment but also left me inspired to be the best I can be at whatever I choose to do. The passion that went into the scene way back then, and into the making of the movie itself, left its mark on me. I hope you'll find that it leaves you feeling the same way.
In part two, we talked to the band about the early days at Gilman Street and the new movie, 'Turn it Around: The Story of East Bay Punk.'
"J’net: From there, Green Day has come so far. What were you dreaming about back then, have you achieved it, and do you have any dreams you haven’t realized yet — things you still want to do?
Tre: Pizza!
J’net: Really? You haven’t had pizza yet?
[Everyone laughs — these guys are SO polite!]
Mike: Back then it was like, 'Can we get a show? Can we get into Gilman?' That’s a goal. It’s always like a series of goals – like 'Let’s get a tour.' 'Oh my gosh, what would it be like to play that one club there?' Maybe it’s a different town — or Europe! 'Let’s go to Europe and tour Europe!' There’s always another thing to be done. We just like to keep it exciting. Even live — even live, if we feel it's not exciting and not eventful or we're just going through the motions, we'll do something to change that because we like to stay in the moment, too. Life should be exciting.
J’net: [to Tre] When you gave the drumsticks to that little kid last night (in Kansas City) …
Mike: I did that. But Tre does every night anyway. One of us will always do it."
Backstory: In Kansas City, there was a little girl on her dad’s shoulders throughout much of the show, although security tried multiple times to get him to put her down. At one point, Mike’s bass tech came into the security pit and leaned through to hand her a set of drumsticks.
"Mike: She was hitting right on the beat with them on her dad’s shoulders! A lot of people know this, but every night Tre hides a pair of drumsticks under a seat.
J’net: Do you always know if somebody finds them?
Tre: Well, I put a hashtag on them and sometimes they'll go and put a picture with #TreCoolsHiddenSticks if they found them.
J'net: I would just want to know — if no one posted, did they get found? I would have to go back and see if they're still there. [laughs]
Tre: Somebody will find them. I'll tape them under the seats.
Mike: Eventually. Someone will find them — like at an Usher show. [laughs]
J'net: Or a hockey game.
[Laughter]
J’net: I got to go to the Hall of Fame Induction and the House of Blues show. What a show! I was beating up on the people next to me, because every time something else exciting happened I was [grabbing people and shaking them], "Oh my God! Oh my God!" That was incredible. I want to ask how that felt, but I’m sure you all thought it felt incredible. But could you ever have dreamed that you would be there? And what gave you the idea to come out as Sweet Children, and have Tim [Armstrong of Rancid] come out and sing with y’all and … to celebrate it in that way?
Billie: I think it was all about 'bringing it all back home,' to quote Bob Dylan. It was like, 'Let’s make this as fun as possible.' Just have a great time and do everything you can … there’s so much tension with a lot of bands that have gone in the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame that you literally can’t get them to be on the same stage at the same time. And someone will stay home. And for us, it was the opposite of that. I’d rather seize the moment to remember how we got there. You start off when you’re a kid in a band, and it’s the most exciting thing in the world. And it’s so important to inspire people to understand that it IS the most exciting thing in the world.
J’net: Do y’all listen to any kind of music that you think would surprise people to know that you liked it?
Mike: All kinds of music. I just like good songs. I don’t care if it’s country — or the other night Tre went out to a jazz club, and then Jason and I went out to the same jazz club after they’d left — the same jazz club, and we didn’t even know they went. And we saw an unbelievable band there in Kansas City.
Tre: I like German AND Italian opera.
J’net: Do you really? Seriously?
Tre: [Laughs]
J’net: Oh ... but THAT would have surprised people.
Tre: No … just the German. [laughs]
J’net: Well, I’m the Italian fan, myself.
Tre: It’s all Greek to me! Greek music.
Billie: I’m kind of an audiophile. I like to go deep with finding obscure power-pop bands...
Tre: Billie makes the best playlists. And he’s the best DJ.
Billie: I just read this book called Never a Dull Moment ['Never a Dull Moment: 1971 The Year That Rock Exploded,' by David Hepworth] and it’s all about the music that happened in 1971, so I put together a playlist of all [that music]. I like getting into to doing my own … which is funny, because everybody's doing playlists and putting them on Spotify and stuff like that, and I do playlists and share them with my friends.
Mike: She's got to hook you up with about a million more friends to share it with.
[Laughter]
Mike: Yeah, when we hit the playlist side of things, he’s ready.
Billie: Yeah, and it’s all kinds of different stuff, whether it's like Joni Mitchell and Linda Ronstadt, to like ... Foghat and T-Rex. It’s fun to listen to. Especially back then, there was a certain amount of — people were uninhibited. If you listen to Marvin Gaye singing 'What’s Going On?,' there’s nothing self-conscious about songs like that and what was going on back then. I think nowadays, music is so much more visual or something. Some of the stuff from the past is just inspiring.
J’net: And you have lots of influences, I can hear them in your music. There are little bits that sound like country and little bits that sound like different genres. Did you get that from your family, or was it all around you, or what?
Billie: Well, it was all around me with my family — and I think when I was a kid I just always wanted to be the one to listen to something different. So, when kids were listening to Kool and the Gang’s 'Celebration,' I was listening to AC/DC and Van Halen, or trying to be the first in my high school to discover punk rock, and alternative stuff, too. Nobody in Rodeo had a clue who the Replacements and Hüsker Dü was. I was like the only punk kid in my high school. And John Swett [High School] was ... 400 people, 350 at the most.
Mike: Is that what it was? I thought it was a little more than that. That’s still a lot of people, though, when you think about it.
Billie: Yeah, there's 80 people in that graduating class.
Mike: And then there was this one kid in that high school [who was punk].
Billie: And half of them actually graduated. [Laughs]"
This is the fourth and final installment of our interview with Green Day. In part three, we talked to the band about their past goals, and the musical roots of each of the guys.
I have also included some things that were not part of the interview itself, or our recording. At the beginning of the transcription below, I knew our time was running out — and during the recording, we were packing up. I was throwing on my “Still Breathing” shirt, as I call it, for my photo with the band. But I just kept talking and asking questions the whole time to make the most of every second.
"J’net: So, I have one more quick question, and this is just my own personal thing that I’ve always wondered — when Mike sang the second half of 'American Eulogy,' did you [Billie] write it with that in mind, did it just happen, I mean … was it something personal to Mike, because the way [Mike] sang it and kind of spit those lyrics out, it sounds like it’s very … something [deciding to stop rambling on with this never ending question and let someone answer] …
Billie: I mean, I just wrote it and asked him if he wanted to sing it. [laughs]
Mike: I think you need to sing to what the lyrics are calling for. I tend to sing ... like a little girl sometimes. [laughs]
J’net: Not in THAT song.
Mike: Yeah, but I was conscious that, 'This song isn't for singing like a little girl.' Or if it is, it's a little girl with attitude.
Billie: If you think about 'Outsider' by the Ramones, and how DeeDee sang the bridge to it, it just kind of makes more sense. It just kind of comes from the band. And what else? 'I Was There' – Mike sang the bridge on that.
J'net: Yeah. Well, you [Mike] sing that 'American Eulogy' like it was written just for you. Just made me wonder …
Mike: [Hamming it up] Why, thank you! A friend of mine wrote that just for me! … 'Hey Billie, I got an idea! We can go ahead and take five.'
J'net: So, I'm getting a sense that it's time for you [Tre] to have your pizza that you've never had before. Any last things you guys want to say to the readers of Green Day Authority?
Mike: Just that we appreciate them and that they should be good to each other and look out for one another online and offline. But, we appreciate the hell out of them, cause that's our community. They're fuckin' rad. We'll see [them] on tour.
Billie: I think for me as a musician, it's always important to be a fan first. Because I'm obviously a big fan of the people I like to listen to and stuff like that. So with that said, [we're] like-minded and kindred-spirits.
Tre: In the words of the wild stallions, 'Be excellent to each other!'"
Thus ended the interview proper, though there was more conversation, as I asked the guys to take a quick photo with me (the first time I've ever asked for a photo with any of them ... the wait was so worth it given how the photo turned out).
Then, touring sound engineer and photographer Chris Dugan reminded me that I had a t-shirt to show the band. It was from Jack Yates, Omaha-based editor extraordinaire for GDA, who has been taking all my scribblings and making them look beautiful on the site. His vintage shirt was from Green Day's first tour — the band had screen printed it by hand back in the day. He thought they might like to see it, and maybe even sign it for him (which they graciously did). Tre sarcastically joked that it was really only six months old. Mike laughed, and said he still has the original screen print stencil for that shirt.
While the guys were signing Jack's shirt, I was throwing on my "Still Breathing" shirt, which you can see in the photo. The guys loved, it which prompted me to tell them that it's from the Woody Guthrie Museum in Tulsa, Oklahoma, where I'm from. Mike excitedly told me that his wife's family and Billie's whole family were also from Oklahoma.
This prompted Billie to tell a story, which really delighted me. The backstory is that he began to tell this tale at the Tulsa Green Day show back in March, but didn't make it all the way to the brilliant ending. We'd talked about this during the car trip there, and Billie just spontaneously answered our question!
"Billie: Yeah, my mom's from Sperry, Oklahoma. Oh, we went — this is a funny story. When we were there, I was trying to find where my mom's house was — it was like, I think, about 15 minutes outside of Tulsa. And we went into a high school, and all the people would talk about was like native burial grounds and stuff like that. So we're just looking for this one in particular. So we went into Sperry High School and talked to the administrators, and I come out and all of a sudden it was like, it clicked [snaps fingers], they were like, 'Oh my God, he's here!' and they run out and one goes, 'You're either … Bruno Mars … or the guy in Green Day!'
[Laughter]
Billie: 'Bruno! Bruno! Bruno Joe!'
Tre: [Laughs] 'Bruno Joe.'
Billie: And then they sent me all these hats, because they're the Pirates, so I got all these cool pirate hats."
Now, as they were still signing Jack's shirt, and I was still "primping" for my first ever Green Day photo, we had this hilarious conversation:
"J'net: Do y'all know about all the mis-heard lyrics in your songs?
Billie: Mis-heard?
Mike: Misinterpreted, you mean?
J'net: No, like people hear them and they think you're saying something else!
Tre: Oh, that's funny!
J'net: Like, 'Gotta know the enemy … raw ham.'
Billie: Raw ham?
[Hilarity ensues]
Tre: Raw ham.
J'net: And, 'Somebody take my pants, I think they're falling off … into a state of regression.'
Mike: [Singing] 'Somebody take my pants, I think they're falling off, into a state of regression.'
[Laughing]
Billie: That's amazing. That's a good one.
J'net: And then, my son one day and said to me he hears, [singing ... YES, I sang in front of Green Day!] 'Dump truck! Color me stupid!'
Billie: Oh, dump truck! [laughs]
J'net: British people hear, 'I wore cologne, I wore cologne' [in 'Boulevard of Broken Dreams'].
Billie: Oh, wow …
J'net: And in 'Welcome to Paradise' — 'Pay attention to the cracked streets and the broken gnomes.'
Tre: Scary. Scary. [Laughs]
Billie: Nice. I've heard that one before. I think I've seen a meme.
J'net: I just wondered if … because when a new song comes out, before the lyrics are published, we're all trying to figure out, "What are they saying? What are they saying?"
Billie: Next time we're just going to write them out different. They'll be like just totally different lyrics.
Tre: We'll do fucked up lyrics!
J'net: Oh yeah, right. That would be great.
Tre: We'll get like six-year-olds to say what they think the lyrics are, and then we'll have that be the lyrics.
J'net: That would be great! Or me, because my hearing is shot from so many Green Day shows!"
This was where our recording ended.
At some point during the discussion that continued un-recorded, I told the guys that this (the Omaha show) might be my last show for a while. I said, "A dear friend of mine has a ticket for me to the Rose Bowl show, but I don't know if I'll be able to afford to get there, so this could be it for a while."
After that, we prepared to take the photo, which Chris Dugan (the band's sound guy and photographer) kindly offered to take for us — so it wasn't a selfie, after all! Mike suggested that I sit in the chair, and they'd all stand around me. Of course, I can't even express how sweet this was.
Then, because I'd been talking to superfan Fran Green in line that day, I said, "Do you know that girl Fran with long brown hair who's always right in the corner of the barricade?" (I motioned with my hands to show where Fran usually stands).
And here's how I remember that conversation going:
"Billie: Oh, I know her, she's great! She always wants to get up and sing or something, but I really like her energy right there in the corner.
Mike: Which one is she?
Billie: She has a lip piercing.
Mike: Oh yeah! [smiling]
J'net: Well, today is her 50th show!
Billie: Her 50th really?
J'net: Yes, and she's travelling from the 1st through the 27th and not staying in any hotels — just sleeping on the street or in the car.
Billie and Mike: WOW.
Tre: Sounds like somebody needs a shower!"
Finally, my time with Green Day was coming to an end. I thanked them all, and they walked out.
Then, as I was about to leave the room, Tre came back with his wife Sara and introduced me to her. She is just as gorgeous and sweet as her online personality seems. We chatted for a few minutes. I told her we love her because of how happy she makes 'this guy' — I point at Tre. To say both their faces were beaming would be a terrible understatement. Just looking at how happy they are together made my heart melt. As they were leaving, Tre stuck his head back in the room and said, "See you at the Rose Bowl."
So now, I guess I'll have to find a way to make it to the Rose Bowl. Hope to see you all there!
After all this, I was walked out on to the arena floor and asked to choose my spot. I was just dumfounded with the entire barrier to choose from … don't we all wish that could somehow happen at every show?!?!
Later, after everyone came in, I couldn't see Fran in her usual spot, and I was just so disappointed, because I thought … knowing the band, they would probably do something special for her if she'd been there. Well, Billie managed to find her on the catwalk, wished her happy 50th and then started singing "Happy Birthday" to her! Hahaha! Tre also gave her an autographed drum head the next night in St. Louis, and I see that she got on stage before her tour was over. The guys are just the sweetest and love their fans so much!
#i did like billie's story about being mistaken for bruno mars lmao#also mike's line about how young his wife is.....#not as funny as you think it is man#yikes#article#interview#articles#green day
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Fiction is the lie through which we tell the truth
Warnings: noncon sex (oral, m&f, intercourse)
This is dark!Steve and explicit. 18+ only.
Summary: The reader is a fic writer and her number one fan can’t get enough.
Note: This is probably the most meta shit I’ve written but for all the fic writers out there, this one if for you. Hope y’all get the good d you deserve but until then, here’s this!
Please let me know what you think in a reblog/reply! <3 please and thank you.
You let out a sigh of relief and hit ‘post’. It was almost pathetic but it was the best part of your day, or most days. Having something to share with others was nice. The fact that they enjoyed your work and your boredom-induced work made it worth the frustration.
It wasn’t real writing. You knew that. Fanfiction was a genre to be laughed at. You didn’t admit it to anyone but there was a sense of pride to go along with the shame.
That part of you was kept online. The darker parts; the lust, the angst, the fear. It all went hand in hand and no one would guess that the bookshop assistant was stevies-doll. It felt almost scandalous to have a virtual alter ego.
You closed your laptop and checked the time. More than enough to get ready for work. Plain blouse, grey pants, mary jane flats. You were the typical bookish girl with dreams that would never come true.
The bus was late. Oh well. You’d still be there in time you’d just have to forego your usual espresso. Afternoons were draining and you often needed the boost to keep from nodding off in the last hour. You really weren’t sure why the shop stayed open so late; not many came out after five for books but traffic was relatively steady in the hipster village.
Nina met you with a frown. She preferred you at least ten minutes earlier. Tardiness had seen several other clerks fired and you had been the only to make it more than a year in the shop. Three in fact. This place was like a second home. A garden of ideas to plant the seeds of your mind.
When Nina left, you rearranged the desk. You moved aside her ledger and replaced it with your notebook, two pens to the right of it. In between the chime of the door and the rare customer queries you did most of your writing. When you reached a block you’d read, but today you felt particularly inspired.
The world was saved again. The news reports had shown footage of the daring rescue. As grim as the situation was, you couldn’t help but fantasize. The first avenger with his golden hair and sharp jawline was every woman’s Adonis. At least, you thought he was the very picture of perfection.
It wasn’t obsession. That was your mantra. You often argued with yourself. As much as you thought of the great Steve Rogers, it was only admiration. It wasn’t the possessive infatuation often found on social media. It was a hobby. An escape from the world.
You bent over the notebook. The shop was empty. The dulcet tones of indie folk floated along the shelves. You set pen to paper and waited for the ring to draw you away from the world behind your eyes.
You leaned on the counter and scribbled the first line in ink. That was always the hardest part. Then again, the beginning was always more exciting than the end.
‘The day the earth went dark, there was but one beacon left to shine…’
-
It was amusing at first. The thought of another person spending so much time writing about him. That someone would fabricate an entire universe in which he was entirely different. Somewhere out there was a woman who wore the pseudonym ‘stevies-doll’.
Steve knew he should have been perturbed by the fact. The idea of another so consumed by him that they would post almost every other day about him. He couldn’t remember how he stumbled on the small blog. A decent following but nothing close to viral.
The first story he read was cute. It even made him feel warm. The second was very much the same. He clicked through to another, this one more serious. Grey and daunting. A few more and he stumbled upon one he found most interesting, the letters NSFW emblazoned across the top. He googled the acronym and clicked back to the tab. Excited almost.
When he finished, he was warm in another way. Hot, almost. The things he read, the idea of him doing them, was almost arousing. Of course, he had never done any of it. Had never been more than the perfect gentlemen. Sweet and doting. That was how love should be. But that wasn’t love, no, that story was sex. Pure, unadulterated fucking.
He forced himself away from the computer after that. He needed to sleep. He had intended to browse his email quickly but he often found himself in the oddest rabbit-holes. That was definitely the deepest. He shook his head and chuckled. It was funny.
The next morning he awoke and went about his usual routine. He was out the door by seven. Off to save the world. Or wait around for it to need saving. At Stark Tower, he listened to Tony with his eyes on his phone. It wasn’t anything important. Some recounting about how he had scared Pepper with a nano-spider.
Steve gave a half-hearted chuckle and Tony went back to his screen. “Tough audience,” He muttered to Bruce who merely shook his head.
Steve leaned against a stool and squinted at his phone. He stared at the google search. Why had he typed it in? Somewhere in the tedium of Tony’s chatter, he had keyed in the name. He hit the first link and his phone loaded slowly.
His own face stared back at him. The banner was a press photo he had taken over a year ago. His bright eyes were staunch beneath the mask as he stared off into the distance. She had posted again. His thumb hovered over ‘read more’. Did he dare?
He looked up to make sure he was not being observed. The two scientists were too distracted to care about his online activity. He stood straight and cleared his throat. “I’m gonna hit the gym,” He lied. A grumble from both scientists as they squinted at the floating screens. “Right, have fun.” Steve said dryly as he left them to their work.
He stepped out in the hall and pressed his thumb to the screen. He bent his head over the phone as he walked blindly down the halls. Neither Tony or Bruce noticed through the window that he had gone entirely the wrong way. Steve didn’t either as his eyes flitted over the screen.
‘The day the earth went dark, there was but one beacon left to shine…’
-
You couldn’t believe how much your blog had grown in the last few months. You didn’t know if it betrayed your unexciting life or your one-track mind. Both, maybe. But it made your everyday responsibilities a little less tedious.
And the messages were even better than the hit count. Several had messaged to say they loved your work and went so far as to call you an inspiration. It was flattering but it was easy to remember who you were. No Stephen King or JK Rowling. You wrote silly one shots with limited development.
Today your inbox had been steady. Every time you found yourself bored at work, you opened the app and you had another message. Most of them short or even just emojis but nice nonetheless. And there was one you were waiting to answer
So long and in depth you had to give it more than just a thanks. You opened it several times and reread it.
‘Your story is really interesting. I think the way your portray Steve is believable. In this type of writing you rarely find anything realistic but your writing feels genuine if not entirely accurate. I would say you capture the essence of Steve perfectly and his actions at least make sense.
I always enjoy your updates and even look forward to them...especially the NSFW ones. ;)’
It was one of the few users who didn't use the anonymous feature and also left a complete comment. It was refreshing and you had come to look forward to their commentary. They went by CapUSA. Another Steve fangirl who was surprisingly inactive outside your blog. Her page was almost a clone of your own. They liked every post, reblogged, and commented. What more could a writer ask for?
Original characters maybe and not just fantasies of someone who’d never know of her existence. You closed your laptop and sighed. It felt like time. You could feel the block at the back of your head. The little thrill you got was wearing off and it felt like a phase better left to fade with your emo days in high school and that month in university when you dyed your hair purple.
You readied for work. Back on days that week. Opening was always easier. It didn’t feel so drawn out. Nina would be in at one and you’d keep her company until four. It meant little time for writing. Maybe that was for the better. You needed to start planning. For the future. For something truly your own. A fantasy so detached from reality that it would make market and maybe even a dime.
That was your dream. You didn’t want to be the listless fangirl forever. Ugh, how you hated to even call yourself a fangirl. No post today, you resigned. Maybe none tomorrow. You’d have to work up the courage to announce your hiatus. Life was calling and for once a sliver of genuine inspiration.
And the bookstore. It was Shakespeare’s birthday, which conveniently was also his death day. This meant two for one on all of his works. Nina also hired actors to stand outside the shop and re-enact famous scene from the playwright’s repertoire. They wouldn’t arrive till noon but you had a lot of set-up to do. Enough to keep you from thinking of the disappointed messages that would fill your inbox.
-
Steve scrolled through the pale pink blog for the dozenth time that morning. It had been two weeks since stevies-doll posted. The longest two weeks of his life. He wasn’t sure when it had become a staple in his life. A ritual almost. He’d read her latest fic as he laid down and try to clear his head of blood and grime. Lose himself in the person she dreamed he was. The man he had come to envy. Fictional but all too real in his head.
But there was nothing. At first he re-read and read again. But that grew old. He knew almost every story by heart at this point. He could recite the intro line to most and he fell asleep as his imagination reconstructed the things he had never done.
Her banner flashed across his sight when he woke, the image of his blue eyes staring beyond him. He’d come to think of her Steve as an altar ego. The beast buried deep inside of him. He was tired of being the nation’s golden child. Their unwavering moral beacon. He wanted to be him and she had helped him figure out who he truly was.
But she was gone. No green dot above her name in the chat window, her last post dated fourteen days ago, her blog like a time capsule. The ice that had preserved him for seventy years. Where was she?
Then a thought struck him. A devious one. He had been on enough missions to know his way around a computer. He considered himself quite savvy after living nearly a decade ahead of his time. It was simple enough. He tracked down many a drug pin this way and they were often concealed behind walls of encryption. He doubted she had more than a store-bought antivirus, if that.
He climbed out of bed and booted his computer. His leg shook impatiently and he tossed his phone just beneath the corner of the monitor. He rubbed his palms together as the home screen loaded and he clicked on the browser.
Her IP was simple enough to find. Right-click, inspect. When he found it, he felt his heart jump. This was a line. A very clear one. If he did this, there was no going back. He let go of the mouse and leaned his chin in his hands. He stared at her page, split by the window of code, and his jaw ticked.
He hit back and went to the messenger. He clicked on her name and his fingertips ran over the space bar. He didn’t know what to say. He’d send her little asks about her fics but he never messaged her directly. Would she respond?
‘Hey,’ He typed slowly, his fingers sped up with each key, ‘I’m a fan of your work. I think it’s excellent. I just wanted to check in and see if you were still writing for this blog.’
He hit enter and waited. He focused on the grey dot beside her name. If she saw this, it likely wouldn’t be until morning. He checked the time and sighed. It was late. He had an early briefing with Tony and he should try to sleep.
He hovered the cursor over the x but the dot turned green and he paused. The little ‘...’ blipped in the bottom of the chat box and the ding of her reply was music to his ears.
‘Hey, sorry. I know I’ve been quiet lately. I’ve just been so busy with work. I’m a bit behind at the moment. Thank you though for following me. I always enjoy your comments :)’ He read it several times before he could reply. Before he could even think of the words to.
‘It’s okay. We all have responsibilities. Take your time.’ He wanted to tell her to hurry up but who knew? She might be someone important, like a lawyer or teacher. He could wait. As long as there was hope.
‘Thanks. I appreciate that. Really.’ That response was quicker. Curt, almost.
‘I don’t want to overstep but are you okay?’ His cheeks were hot.
‘Ah, you know, life.’
He scratched his chin as he leaned back in his chair. Slowly he sat forward and typed. It took him three tries to get it right. Concerned but not pushy. ‘Anything you wanna talk about?’ He waited. The three dots appeared then faded. Several times before her answer blipped up.
‘I don’t wanna trouble you but I appreciate you asking. Nothing I won’t get over.’
‘Ok, no problem. Just know that if you need it, I could listen. It’s could to talk about stress.’ He laughed at himself. He should take his own advice. He had a horrible habit of letting things pile up until he burst at the seams.
‘Thanks again. I’ll ttyl. I gotta get some sleep. Have a good one.’
‘You, too,’ He replied a bit too quickly. ‘Talk to you then.’
-
You were ready to post again. It had been almost a month since your last fic and you had been reluctant to return. You couldn’t help checking in daily to see your notifications and scroll mindlessly through your own content. And your offline writing had come to a halt. You were stuck and you didn’t know how else to cope but fall back on what you knew.
Your new friend had helped too. CapUSA had quickly become a stalwart of your blog. She, or he, you still weren’t sure, spoke to you almost everyday. They encouraged you to try one more fic as you mulled over a certain prompt. Why not? It would be like a writing exercise. Maybe it would help you with your original writing. Take some of the pressure off.
And you didn’t just talk about writing. You talked about the bookstore and Nina’s incessant complaints. You talked about the stresses of your lives. Friends, or lack thereof. Cap seemed a popular person and recounted stories of the latest drama. A close knit group of friends who acted more like adversaries. It was amusing and made your forget that your life was rather empty.
You hit post and smiled. That familiar rush rolled over you and you snapped closed your laptop. You were already dressed and ready for work. You crammed in the quick editing session before the bus was due and now you’d have to run for it.
Back on afternoons. It was rainy and you were soaked by the time you got to the shop. The weather always helped traffic and you ducked behind the counter where Nina was tending to the line with Cara, a new addition. The curly-haired blonde reminded you of old Hollywood. Her high cheekbones and rose lips rivaled Monroe’s.
“Do you want me to start early?” You asked as you tucked your bag under the counter between them.
“You better. I’m gone in ten and Cara’s only on til three.” Nina muttered. “We got a new shipment. Boxes are at the end of the aisles. We’ve not had a chance to touch ‘em.”
“Okay, I’ll get right on it,” You pin your name tag on and stepped back around the counter. She was in one of her moods and all the better that you avoid her until she left. You went to the end of the history aisle and opened the box against the wall.
‘You working?’ The vibration drew your attention from re-arranging the non-fiction section. The message floated in a bubble on your lock screen. You smiled. This faceless stranger felt like more. Of course, virtual friendships were often fleeting.
You glanced down the aisle, both Nina and Cara were squinting at the computer as a customer waited patiently for them to figure out their conundrum. You swiped away the lock and typed swiftly with your phone hidden behind your leg.
‘Closing. Here all night.’
‘Oh :( you got company at least?’
‘For a couple more hours. But no shortage of work. :/’
‘Damn. Should I leave you alone?’
‘Up to you. My responses might be sporadic. Boss isn’t very pleasant today.’
‘Cool. I just read your new fic.’
‘Yeah? Sorry I haven’t checked my notifications just yet.’
‘No problem. I left a comment is all.’
‘What are you up to?’
‘Taking a break from driving. I should actually get back to it. It’s a long trip.’
‘Where are you going?’
‘To see a friend.’
‘Ah, ok. Well, drive safe.’
‘I will ;) See ya later.’
‘ttyl :)’
-
‘Nina’s Nook’. Steve read the crooked moniker several times over. He couldn’t believe he was actually there. That she was inside. He made good time on the road. An eight hour trip in six. Of course, he hadn’t exactly abided the speed limit. His impatience had turned to recklessness. So unlike him.
The sky was dim. The summer nights came later and later. She’d be done in an hour. The streets were dying down and the door hadn’t chimed in almost as long. He felt nervous all of a sudden. He tried to shrug of his anxiety and took a breath.
She wouldn’t know it was him. Well, she might recognize him but she wouldn’t know he was CapUSA. He couldn’t wait to see her reaction. Steve Rogers in her bookshop. In this town. It would be a story she would recount for the rest of her life. An encounter she would never forget.
Oh, he’d make sure she remembered it.
He crossed the street. A single car passed as he stepped up on the curb. It was much quieter than New York. No honking, no shouts, no hissing sewers. He liked it. It was quaint. He stood before the door and peeked through the glass. There was no one behind the desk. But the sign read open and the lights shone in welcome.
He pushed down the handle and slowly opened the door. The bell announced his entrance and a small voice called from the corner of the shop. “One moment, please.” He heard the shuffle of books and light footsteps. She emerged from the far shelves and his lips parted at the sight of her.
He had seen her before. Her few photos on Facebook and Instagram. He had found those shortly after he ferreted out her IP. He couldn’t see much but her privacy settings allowed him a glimpse into her real life. Her smile was nicer than in her pictures.
“Sorry, I was--” She stopped short as she saw him. She blinked. He closed his mouth as hers fell open. Her voice was higher when she spoke next. “I was just sorting some stuff out. I--How can I help you?”
“Um, a friend recommended a book to me and I was passing by, I thought maybe by chance… you might have it.” He kept his voice even. The same one he used for his press conferences.
“Do you have a title?” She asked. He could see her fingers tremble. The guilt as her eyes rounded. She was thinking of all the things she had wrote about him. He was thinking of those too.
“Jeez, you know, I’ve totally forgotten but the author was, uh…” He pretended to think and his eyes drifted down her body. Her flowered blouse was boxy but her pants hugged the curves of her hips and legs. She clasped her hands together and the gesture pushed her chest together between her arms. “Margaret Archer--er, Atwood.”
“Hmm, she’s done a lot. Do you know what it’s about?” She pulled her hands apart and wiped her palms on her dark pants. His eyes followed the movement. He wanted his hands there. Wanted to feel her thighs against him.
“Something about an apocalypse...um, a character named...Snow--Snow something.” He acted like he coudn’t remember. Couldn’t recall that it was stevies-doll who had recommended the very book.
“Oh, Oryx and Crake, I think it is. It’s an interesting one.” She smiled, proud to have figured out the riddle. “If you will, it should be with our most popular books.”
She hesitated as she passed him. He followed her as she went to the shelf just beside the counter. She hovered her finger before the titles as she read them. She bent as she got lower. He admired her ass as she did. He tucked his hands in his pocket before he could reach out.
“Yeah, I think it’s in sci-fi.” She stood and peeked over her shoulder. “It’s just over here.” She led him down the narrow aisle to the end. “Starts just here so Atwood…” She scanned the shelf, “Here.” She pulled out the book and held it out to him. “We have it in hardcover too.”
He took it and felt the raised letters on the cover. “Thanks.” He didn’t even acknowledge the book in his hand. The aisle was so tight she was trapped between him and the wall. She gave a sheepish smile and he turned to press his back to the shelf. “Sorry. Go ahead.”
She nodded and squeezed past him. Her chest brushed against his torso and she pretended not to notice. Once past him, she cleared her throat. “If you need any help, I’ll be up front.” She turned before he could respond and her watched her go. He never would’ve guessed the mousy shop assistant would have such a lurid imagination.
-
You were in disbelief. It couldn’t be. Steve Rogers in your book shop? No, you were dreaming. Or was it a nightmare? Oh god, why had you written all that stuff? You needed to delete. Now. You could hear him. The floor creaked as he moved slowly down the aisle. You hoped he would’ve taken the book and gone. The longer he stayed, the worse you felt. Your cheeks were on fire.
Your phone vibrated. You swiped the screen and found a new message from CapUSA. You sighed and rubbed your eyes. You should just pretend you didn’t see it. You unlocked the phone and read the message.
‘Hey, how’s work?’
‘It’s fine.’ You answered. What could you say? Who would believe that Steve Rogers had walked in your door?
‘I just was thinking about your last fic.’
‘Oh yeah?’ You peeked over at the far aisle. The floor no longer whined with his weight.
‘Yeah, I’d love to re-enact the last scene.’
‘Sorry?’ You sent the message and it went unanswered. ‘I don’t get it. What do you mean?’
‘The one with the girl on her knees. Begging to be fucked.’
‘Okay? I still don’t understand.’ Your heart jumped. This was really weird.
‘Or maybe and I could fuck you on that counter you’re standing behind.’
You hit close and locked the phone. You dropped it and looked around the shop. You rushed out from behind the counter and glanced out the window. You turned the latch and the floorboards groaned. You turned and pressed yourself to the door. You forgot he was there.
How could you forget something like that?
“Sorry, uh, we’re closing up,” You felt around for the lock, “I was just--”
“That’s okay. I think I’m just about done.” He slapped the book against his palm and placed it on the corner of the counter. He set his phone on top of it with a flourish. “Why don’t you flip the sign and we can get started.”
“What are you--”
“Do you prefer I call you by your real name or stevies-doll?” He leaned against the counter and smirked. “Or I can just call you doll. I know you like that.”
“No,” You exhaled shakily, “Y-you can’t be…”
“You’re not happy to see me?” He asked. He didn’t sound like the hero you saw on the news. Barely looked like him now. His pupils dilated to darken his blue eyes and the shadows of the shop cast his face in sinister tones. “You can call me Stevie if you like.”
“I...What I wrote, it was just...” You spluttered. “I’m s-sorry.”
“You don’t have to be.” He pushed himself away from the counter. “I’m not mad. Intrigued really.”
He stepped closer and your ears pounded as the adrenaline coursed through your veins. You turned and fumbled with the lock. The door opened an inch before his hand slammed it shut again. He easily flipped the lock back into place and spun the sign with a flick of his thumb.
“You can close early and we can have some fun...maybe inspire a new fic.” His arm was around your waist and you grabbed onto his thick wrist.
“They’re just stories.” You kicked as he pulled you away from the door. He tugged the blind down over the window. “Stupid fantasies.”
“Well, consider this a dream come true, doll,” He spun and let you go. You collided with the desk and gasped as the air was knocked from your lungs. “I think you remember this scene.”
“What do you want?” You clung to the desk as you turned to him.
“You know, I’m everything people think I am. Straight-laced, valiant, boring.” He planted his feet and stared you down. “Or was...until I found your blog.” His tongue ran across his bottom lip. “It gets lonely on the road. At first, your blog was like a secret companion. It gave me something to look forward to but then it made me think. So many things I never even knew I was missing out on.”
“Please, I don’t know what you want from me,” Your voice cracked. Your fear surged and left you shaking against the counter.
“I want…” He tilted his head and his eyes flashed, “You.” He paused and pushed his shoulders back. “On your knees.” Your eyes rounded, “Oh yes,” He raised a finger, “Naked.”
You stared at him. You were frozen in place. The counter your only support from melting into a puddle. His nostrils flared as he exhaled; long and drawn out.
“Don’t make me repeat myself,” He snarled and his hand balled into a fist.
You gulped and held yourself with one hand against the counter as you bent to unlace your oxfords. You kicked them off with your socks and mustered your strength. You stood on your own and unbuttoned your shirt. You kept your eyes on the aged carpet stretched across the hardwood.
You dropped the blouse onto your shoes and unzipped your fly. The wool trousers slid halfway down without help and you untangled your legs from them. You added them to the heap and stood straight.
“Look at me,” Steve ordered. Your eyes snapped over to him. “Good.” You reached back and he raised a hand. “Stop...I wanna do it.”
He waved you forward and slowly you stepped away from the counter. He bared his palm in a gesture for you to halt and you hung your head. “Eyes up.” He corrected as he came closer. He walked around you and stopped just behind you.
His thick fingers touched the band of your bra and ran along it until they met at the hooks. He carefully unclasped it and the cups fell loose. He tickled your arms as he pushed the straps down them. He took it and flung it away from him. His hands came up to cup your tits and he pushed himself flush to your back.
“You always wrote so vividly of me but...I never knew how beautiful you truly were...how good you feel.” He squeezed and slowly lowered his hands. He dragged them to the side of your panties and slipped his fingers beneath the elastic. He bent as he guided the panties down your legs. “God, that ass.”
You shivered and his hands cradled your ass. He ran his rough palms along your cheeks and up your back. They settled on your shoulders and he pushed down firmly. “On your knees.”
He stepped back and you unsteadily got to your knees. He walked another circle around you. You could hear his dusky breaths. Glimpsed how his hand ran over the front of his jeans.
“Now ask, like a good girl,” He stopped before you and stared down with a smirk. “Go on, doll, I know you want it.”
You closed your eyes and swallowed. You grit your teeth and gather what was left of your wits. A story. That’s all this was. The letters could be backspaced and no one would know better of it.
“Please,” You recalled the last scene you had posted. The tingle which had flowed through you as you hit the button. What had she said? You opened your eyes. “Please, I want to...I want to make you happy.” You shuddered as the words whisked from you. “Can I?”
“Can you...what?” He taunted.
“Can I suck your dick?” It was barely a whisper.
“Oh, well, since you asked so nicely,” His hands were on his belt as he spoke. “But I have a different scene in mind for tonight. A new one.” He unbuckled his belt and cracked his neck. “I want you on the counter. On your back.”
You made to stand and his hand went to your head. He held you down.
“Crawl.”
You weakly dropped forward and turned. You crawled on hands and knees as he followed, stopping just in front of the desk as you followed his pointed finger to the other side. You stood and lifted yourself onto the counter and laid on your back. He guided your head over the side as he pulled you close and his hands found your tits again. He tweaked your hard nipples and you bit your lip.
He rescinded his hands and finished unzipping his pants. You tried not to watch as he pushed his pants down, his briefs too. The blur focused and you gaped at the size of him. He gripped himself and you snapped your mouth shut. He grabbed your chin and squeezed.
“Now, now, don’t act like this isn’t what you wanted,” He pressed his cock to your mouth and you were forced to open as his fingers threatened to crush your jaw.
He slid inside and your gasp was stifled as he met the back of your throat. He forced himself further and you threw your arms out. A clatter of books and papers as you swept them off the counter. He lingered at his limit and wiggled his hips. You arched your back as you choked and he grabbed your tit, kneading it as he slowly pulled out.
He pushed back in just as you gulped down air and you writhed atop the desk. He thrust in and out of your mouth. You gagged and groaned. The noises only fueled his fervour and he sunk in over and over until your head pulsed. The spit smeared around your lips and his balls.
He pulled back and slammed back in suddenly. His motion slowed as he came. He grunted, his breaths stuttered by the staggered rock of his pelvis. You clawed at the counter top and kicked until you could breathe again.
He slipped his cock from between your lips and his cum leaked from your mouth. You sat up and coughed. His hands were on your shoulders again. His fingers danced along your throat as if to ease your struggles.
“Come on, that’s just the first act,” He drew away and you glanced over your shoulder. “Turn around.”
You turned on the desk and he pulled your legs over the edge. He pushed your knees apart and stepped back to admire the view. You dug your nails into the lip of the counter to keep yourself from closing your legs.
“I know you’ve been dying to see this,” He grinned and pulled his shirt over his head.
His cock hung out of his pants. It twitched as he tossed his shirt at you. You caught it. It smelled like him. He shoved his pants down without pause and he hardened again. You dropped his shirt and looked away guiltily.
Had you not written this scene a dozen times over?
He was completely naked when you looked again. He came close, his hands on your knees as he knelt before you. You tried to pull your legs together but he held them apart. He shook his head and tutted.
“Just sit back and enjoy,” He licked his lips. “Trust me, it’s better than you could ever imagine.”
Your shock took over completely. You watched as he bowed his head and you felt his hot breath on your thighs. When his tongue met your pussy you gasped. He delved between your folds and swirled around your clit. Your nails went deeper into the wood and your thighs shook. It felt good. It shouldn’t, though.
He buried his face deeper and you watched his golden locks from above. He reached over blindly, his large hand found yours, and he guided it to the back of his head. He held it there a moment before letting go. You clung to him as he hands glided up your thighs and he framed your vee with thumb and index.
You arched your back and moaned. It was your declaration of surrender. You couldn’t resist it any longer. The heat stirred inside of you, the flames licking at your thighs and back. You urged Steve closer though he couldn’t possibly go any deeper.
His hands slipped down to the outside of your thighs. Your legs closed around his head and held him there. He tipped you slightly and you curled around him as he continued to lap. Your breaths mixed with throaty hums and you fell back.
You had one hand still on his head and the other in your hair as you cried out in a mighty climax. He didn’t stop until you were shaking across the counter. When at last his mouth left you, you shivered. A sudden coolness washed over your body. He stood and you looked at him through the haze.
He grabbed your waist and pulled you to your feet. You wavered and he spun you quickly. You caught yourself on the desk and he slapped your ass. “That’s it,” He purred. “You’re getting it now.”
He nudged your shoulder until you were bent entirely over the counter, your toes barely met the floor. He rubbed your ass and pulled your cheeks apart. His cock poked you as his hand slipped lower and he tickled just below your ass. You squirmed and he chuckled.
He felt around and his cock slipped lower as he bent his knees. He dragged his tip along your folds before prodding at your entrance. He shoved his hand between your legs and forced them apart.
He pushed inside and slowly stretched you around him. Your head shot up at the strain. A mix of pain and pleasure as he got deeper and deeper.
You whined as he bottomed out and his hips bucked almost instinctively. He hit your cervix and you cried out. He eased out and pushed back in. He repeated this again and again, his motion careful. Deliberate. He brought his pelvis flush to your ass and groaned.
“Fuck,” He slapped your ass again.
He drew back and slammed into you all at once. All restraint was lost and he thrust mercilessly. His pace was wild. You reached out to grab at the edge of the counter, your hips hitting the other painfully. The spark had caught and you felt the flame about to burst.
Your orgasm was surprising. More agony than pleasure. You whimpered and pushed your head into the counter as you heaved. You could barely breath as Steve never wavered. He fucked until you until your walls ached. Until they turned numb and you were nothing but a mewling fool before him.
He bent over your, his muscled torso against your sweaty back. He rutted atop you frantically. His hips jerked as his grunts deepened. His breath caught and he swore. He lifted himself off you and you felt the warmth spill down your ass and thigh.
You laid breathless as he panted behind you. He rubbed his cum into your skin with two fingers and you shook. You tried to push yourself up from the desk. He caught your hip and shoved you back down.
“Oh, we’re not even close to the finale,” He pinched your ass and you squeaked. “Not to mention the epilogue.”
-
tags to be added in reblog
#steve rogers x reader#dark!steve rogers x reader#dark steve rogers x reader#fic#steve rogers fic#au#marvel#mcu#captain america#dark!steve rogers#dark steve rogers#steve rogers#dark!fic#dark fic#dark!verse#darkverse
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