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randomguywithwords · 4 years

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As The Dust Settles: Chapter 19 (Geten X Dabi Slowburn)

Chapter 19: Old Chains

AO3 Link

Previous Chapters: 18, 17, 16, 15, 14, 13, 12, 11, 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1

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The girl bowed and left the room in a hurry, nearly tripping over her feet as she did so. Geten watched her go, her lips pursed. Her behaviour reminded her of that messenger at her lodgings, but while she had smirked at the boy’s cowardice just a few days ago, she felt uneasiness coil around her stomach.

Do they all look at me like that? How long has it been since I’ve been in the city?

She rarely ever walked down a street, not having any need to with her cryokinesis. Transporting herself with her ice was much preferable to reducing herself by commuting alongside the other soldiers in the MLA. The few times she interacted with them...they always had the same look on their faces.

She put those thoughts aside and returned to an even more unpleasant subject: the book in her hand that she had requested the girl bring to her. It was familiar to her like a mother to her infant. The same indented red cover with its engraving of the symbol of the MLA. The same title emblazoned with gold.

Meta Liberation War.

She knew the book back to front. If prompted by anyone, she could recite the pledge, the paragraphs or the sign off by Destro in a heartbeat. She had spent years memorising every key sentence, every declaration made by the founder of the Army she belonged to, and so on.

So why am I holding it in my hand?

Well, for one, she needed something to keep her distracted while she was stuck in the hospital ward, thanks to a certain fire-user and a dumb pact made just an hour or so ago.

“Ok, five day hospitalisation, doc’s orders.” Dabi turned to leave the room.

“No, I’m leaving tomorrow,” Geten shot back, crossing her arms.

“Uh huh, because you’d be fully recovered, right?”

She paused, searching for a retort. “You can’t make me stay here.”

Even to her, it sounded childish, and Dabi’s choked laughter told her he was thinking the same way. “Tell you what, what’s your favourite food?”

The question caught her off-guard. She blinked twice, wondering if that question came from him. “I don’t have one.”

“Bullshit. Everyone has one.”

“Unlike you, I’m not that much of an adolescent to show preferences for food. I eat whatever’s there.”

“It’s something cold, isn’t it? Soba?”

“How – wha –” She spluttered. “No, no it’s not.”

“You chill here until Friday, and I’ll get you soba.”

“Even if I did like it, I could just get it myself.” She was hoping her expression wasn’t betraying how much she liked the noodles.

“Not in Deika City, obviously. You think this shithole has any good food?”

“We can’t just leave –” Her exasperation was overpowered by his when he cut her off with, “Do you want the soba or not?”

A spasm of pain coursed through her ribs, causing her to wince. “Fine,” She muttered, and sat down on the bed.

“See you Friday then. My god, you’re stubborn.” He left and shut the door.

The memory, fresh in her mind, was oddly warming to think about, while the metal-engraved title of the book felt cold to the touch, pulling her back to the present.

The second reason was repetition – too much of it, that is. She compared it to her mastery over her meta ability made it a part of her, that she barely gave a thought whenever she levitated ice. Likewise, she could recant any part of the book with no hesitance. But even though I speak the words out loud, how much thought have I given their meaning?

She flipped open the book. Destro’s words filled Geten’s head like a lullaby a parent might sing to their child, not that the young woman knew what that was like.

“I am not in a prison. I am in solitude, and in this solitude have I found solace…” She read out loud to herself in the ward. It was habitual to do so, but as she kept reading, her voice trailed off as she studied it, and a growing void inside her gnawed at her heart.

I dream of a society where the use of our meta abilities is uncontrolled, as the great power that granted the human race this blessing intended. It was, and is, and will always be, a gift. Yet it is also a responsibility to bear. We must show the world the truth the governments try to conceal. They pass human laws that goes against the natural law. I, and my army, tried to show them this truth, but it is with great regret and sorrow that I announce an obstacle in our path towards destiny. My incarceration.

…

Strength is survival. Strength is our meta abilities, and honing them to perfection, achieving what we called “apotheosis” in the ancient past. To become god-like.

“And yet, you died, Destro,” Geten murmured. “And still we...we honour and revere you…” The void grew larger.

The journey unto death is one I will undertake after I finish writing this, but know that death is not the end for us. While I concede death is a frightening concept, I encourage you to believe that it is an inspiration for others. To die in battle is honourable. I only wish I had done so, but what has happened is set in stone. My death is a protest to the laws that chain us, but it is also your empowerment, to do what I could not.

“Death,” Geten whispered, the word tasting like poison on her tongue. She remembered both times she was one thread away from it: the barrel of Trumpet’s gun pointed at her, and the fists of Takame. In the first, she was not in combat. It would have been an assassination, would it not? And in the second…

Her chest hurt at the thought. She felt no honour, only emptiness and fear, knowing what the Liberation Army had done to her attacker’s family, and knowing her death was imminent.

Is it possible that Destro had feared death as well?

The reminder about Takame’s wife brought her to flip the pages to the section on the powerless, or, as Destro put it...

It is not some genetic disorder as the men in white coats would tell you. They are simply the unfortunate ones to not have received this gift. Pity them, for they, the outcasts, deserve your pity.

“Mihara…” She looked just like her. If she was wandering around Deika City, Geten would have thought she was some ordinary soldier. An ordinary person, even. How was she an outcast? Why did the MLA start hunting down the quirkless? Out of pity? They deserved it?

She slammed the book shut as the image of her dead body appeared in her mind. She drew deep breaths to calm herself – had she been hyperventilating this entire time? Her fists were trembling, blood pounding in her head in anger of it all.

The agony was a python writhing on her chest while old memories resurfaced from the aching in her brain. She remembered what Re-destro taught her, and how he did it.

A growl rose in her throat.

Kicked. Starved. Left alone to fend for herself, in the name of “liberation”. Everything that she did. Everything that was done to me, was in the name of liberation, but it shackled me more and more.

“Gah!” She flung the book across the room and buried her head in her hands.

She sat there upright on the hospital bed for some time, the silence screaming all the answers she did not want to hear, but had to, to her.

“You don’t find anything wrong with that?” Dabi had said on the plane. She remembered his countenance, a mixture of irritation and pity, whenever she spoke about the MLA. She had chalked it up to the arrogance of the victorious, or just a dislike of her, which was mutual then, so it never bothered her to think further. The pieces started to click together.

“You dropped this.” A dry voice made her look up, and a paleness spread across her face like permafrost.

Tomura Shigaraki stood at her doorway, dressed in a crimson jacket whose sleeves ran down his arms and black undershirt, whilst wearing jeans. He looked like any other ordinary person, if not for the severed hand on his face. In his hand was the book.

Instantly, thoughts of a legless Re-destro, or the piles of dust that once were Shigaraki’s opponents flooded her mind. She gripped the bedsheets tightly.

“Why are you here? And...I don’t need that.” Geten averted her eyes.

Shigaraki tossed it to the side and shut the door behind her. “I’m not here to kill you or anything, don’t shit yourself. I came here to see how you were doing. I gotta say, you look like you got broken up with.”

His words didn’t reassure her in the least, especially not the way he said ‘kill you’, but his posture didn’t indicate any animosity, so Geten took his word for it. Clearing her throat and steadying herself as best as she could, she responded, “I’m fine.”

“What’s with the book throw? Test tomorrow?”

“No,” She replied with an edge to her voice.

“You pissed?”

She exhaled. “Yes,” She said, mustering all the civility and politeness she had left.

“How nice,” He said, the concern in his tone matching that of his expression. “Anyway, you’re free to do what you want now. I got nothing for Violet Regiment. You’re excused from the council meetings till you’re discharged, whenever the hell that is.”

She blinked. “That’s all?”

Shigaraki cocked his head. “What, you were expecting a celebration of your win?”

“No...never mind. Th – thank you, Commander.” She bowed her head.

She heard the door slam and looked back up. She let loose a shuddering breath of relief from the sole fact that she was alive and not missing a limb, or an entire torso. He had looked more disinterested, as if she was an ant on his finger, but she would gladly accept that over a smiling Shigaraki.

Did Dabi actually talk to him? She recalled the promise he had made on the motorbike ride.

Maybe the consequences were waiting for her once her hospitalization was over, which made goosebumps appear on her skin. She held the sheets closer to her. Still, Shigaraki didn’t seem like the type to grant her catharsis before unleashing whatever hell he wanted upon her. If he was going to punish her, he would have done so just now.

Geten sighed and sunk back underneath the covers. Or maybe I’m just lying to myself...

It was only mid-afternoon, judging from the sky outside, yet fatigue, both physical and mental, weighed her limbs down as if she had been training the whole day. The bed suddenly felt like the softest, most comforting thing in the world. Unable to fight against her body, she closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, her thoughts too cluttered to sift through. A few names and words stood out, one of which was, Find Dabi.

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Had some time to finish this up. Hope you liked it.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha fanfiction #bnha fanfic #mha fanfic #mha fanfiction #dabi x geten #dabixgeten #getenxdabi #dabiten #geten #bnha geten #mha geten #dabi #mha dabi #bnha dabi #atds

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talpup · 3 years

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Summary: Yami Sukehiro just wanted to join the Magic Knights and make his mentor proud. He knew there would be trails. He knew trouble would come his way. Knew he would be faced with discrimination for being a foreigner and a peasant. What he didn’t know. Didn’t expect. Was that literal Chaos would come his way. That he and his mentor’s sister would be at the center of world ending trouble. Or that he would fall in love with his mentor’s sister and face more than discrimination; but the jealously of Nozel Silva who loved the same woman he did.

Please remember this fic is rated mature and has warnings of violence, abuse, sexual tension, eventual sexual behavior, and other possible triggers. For a full list of story tags please check the fics AO3 (link to that at the top of my tumblrs homepage).

Important notes below the cut before chapter72 begins. PLEASE READ.

***SORRY!*** I forgot to tell you all. A few days before last weeks vacay I did a smutty Julius one shot that I guess you could say is tied to this fic. While there’s not much plot to that one shot, I am planning a Masquerade Ball for the fall around Yami and Teris’ 19yr b.day. So I might have the events of ‘A Night With the Stag’ happen then and have Julius' disappearance noticed. Anyway, you can find ‘A Night With the Stag’ on the main dash of my ao3.

***FIC UPDATE*** Got some not so good news yesterday. Thanks to one of my 3-big chronic illness bad's munching away at my joints the Surgeon said he’d normally recommend joint replacement for my hands. But thanks to another of my big chronic baddies he wouldn't recommend it for me as it would cause further problems and pain in the long run. For now I’m left with an up tick in my infusions ‘poison juice’ to hopefully stave off further damage. And therapy, bracing, and pain meds to help cope with the pain. What that means for this fic isn’t much at the moment since I’m so far ahead in writing. But with my typing having steadily slowed and the suggestive order not to tax my hands there may come a time when posting has caught up to where I am in writing. Which would mean this fic will become like my BNHA fics which is 'posting as I write', and you all will left waiting for updates. If that happens I’m really SORRY!

Chapter 72

Angry and impatient, Nozel entered Silva Castle. The kingdom was still in disorder with bandits and thieves continuing to fight for supremacy within the Common and Forsaken Realms. Even the Noble Realm was dealing with more criminal activity than usual.

“Father.” Nozel stopped to stand behind the man.

Directing a team of servants on the placement of several new acquisitions he had gotten for their palace home, Nathyn turned to his son. “Nozel. Didn’t expect you so early. I must admit I’m looking forward to the day we have a proper Lady Silva running our homes once again. Nebra is too self involved to be good at these types of things.”

Nathyn sighed thinking of his eldest daughter. She would be fifteen soon. Nebra’s grimoire Acceptance Ceremony set not long after her birthday. Come next Entrance Exams, in little under twelve months time, she would be joining Nozel as a Magic Knight in the Silver Eagles. With Nebra residing at the Silver Eagles base, she would be Nozel’s responsibility and Nathyn would have one less thing to look after.

“Father, please.”

“What is it?” Nathyn questioned shortly, his thoughts interrupted.

“Must we really go on with this? The war has only just ended.” Nozel said.

“Four days ago.” Nathyn stated, as if that was long enough for everything to be righted.

“All the squads have a back log of missions and with--”

“That’s the Magic Knights problem.” Nathyn said, dismissed his sons words.

“I am a Magic Knight. Teris and I both. And Julius is a Captain.”

Nathyn fully focused on his son and reminded. “You are royalty first. This is more than just celebrating your Intended’s birthday. Not that you shouldn’t insist we continue with that. But there are Peace Parties to attend. The people are happy this war was short and is over. They wish to celebrate you for securing that peace. The King wishes to honor you.” He looked proudly at his heir. “You did good, and should take these next few days to relax and enjoy the fruits of your success.” His face sharpened. “I insist.”

Knowing this was a battle he couldn’t win Nozel inclined his head and submitted. “I’m glad to have pleased you, Father.”

“As am I. Now go make ready. The Nova’s will be arriving within the hour.”

72.2

Julius looked mournfully at his sister. “Teris, I can’t. I’m sorry.”

Trepidation growing, Teris realized that Julius was serious. He was sending her off to Silva Castle to spend three days with them and Fyntch, and he wasn’t coming. “You’re really going to make me go there alone? Without you?”

“The Vermilion's will be in residence at Vermillion Castle across the lawn. You can seek refuge there.” Julius offered.

Teris stared at him in disbelief. “Three days, Julius. You’re going to leave me alone in Silva Castle with Fyntch and the Silva’s for three whole days.”

“It’s no worse than spending the time with them at Nova House or Silva Manor.” Julius reasoned.

“Yes it is! You truly know nothing do you? You’ve had it so easy being a man and the eldest at that.”

“I’ve had my share of familial duties and expectations forced upon me.” Julius rebutted, thinking she was being unfair and bratty.

“That you threw off.” Teris countered.

“Watch it.” Julius warned, expression turning from supplicating to stern.

Teris growled and spun away. “Fine. Leave me to those wolves. But don’t come down on me when I make a mess and make matters worse.”

“You’ll only be making matters worse for yourself. Can’t you see that? I’m trying to protect you. That’s all I’ve ever tried to do with this mess.”

Teris turned back to him, eyes pleading. “If that were true you’d come.”

Julius looked sympathetically at her. “I would if I could. You know what it’s been like. There’s so much work to do. I’m so overtired I don’t think I could drift off to sleep if I tried.”

“Then tell Fyntch that. Tell him I can’t go for the same reason. All the Black Bulls are still going on mission after mission trying to bring peace and order back to the kingdom. It’s not right that I leave them to go off on some stupid three day leave.”

Julius shook his head. “I tried that. I told you I tried that.”

“Try again.” Teris begged.

“Teris.” Julius sighed, reaching out to her.

Teris stepped back from him.

Julius sighed again and he lowered his hands. “You are going.” He said, simply.

Teris glared at him. “I--”

“If you tell me you hate me I won’t even make an attempt of showing.” Julius said, cutting her off. Whether she meant it or not, such words always stung.

Teris gave one last try to convince him. “Julius, I don’t want to go.”

“We all do things we don’t want to all the time. You think I want to spend half the day in meetings and the other half doing paperwork till I can’t see straight and everything looks the same? You think I wanted to go to war? Or want to be having this conversation?”

“Go away.” Teris frowned.

“Go to Silva Castle. Don’t make Fyntch fetch you. Do you really want him coming here, seeing how and who you live with? He’ll pull you out of the Magic Knights so fast and have you locked up at Nova House before the day is done. You know I’m right.”

Teris glowered. “Fine.”

Julius exhaled and muttered to himself. “I should’ve led with that.” He pointed at his sister. “Silva Castle. Twenty minutes.”

She kicked the toe of her boot into the foot of her bed.

“Teris.” Julius rumbled.

“I heard you! Go away already.”

Julius turned and left her bedroom. He found Yami waiting on the second level landing. Glancing back up the stairs, he grimaced at the sounds of things being thrown about. Looking at Yami, Julius warned. “Don’t think it’d be too wise to go up there right now. She’s mad as hell.”

Yami smirked at his mentor. “She’s not mad at me.”

Temper frayed and short, Julius frowned. “You really can be a little shit sometimes, you know.”

Yami chuckled. “Just figuring that one out?”

“Shouldn’t you be resting, eating, or heading out on a mission?”

“In a bit. Tobin and Iban are waiting downstairs for me.”

Julius tried not to make a face at the mention of Iban’s name.

Yami caught the expression anyway. “All hands on deck and all that. At least Olsen's been teamed with the Bloody Creep for the most part. After what happened with Teris, he isn’t allowed on missions with any of the girls.”

Julius recalled the mission with Teris, Yami, and Iban where the Blood Mage had used his magic against Teris causing quite a bit of injury including several broken ribs. Though the incident had happened almost a year ago, it still angered.

“They waiting in the great room?” Julius asked.

Yami nodded, looking up the stairs.

“I think I’ll take the servants stairs and exit out back.” Julius said, not wanting to see the man who had put his sister in such a state.

Yami waited till Julius had disappeared down the hall that led away from the boys rooms before climbing the stairs. Standing in the open doorway of Teris’ room, he watched her tear the place apart looking for something. She pulled out some sort of adornment from a trunk and turned around throwing it.

Yami leaned to the side, tilting his head as the thing flew by.

Teris gasped, hand covering her mouth. “Sorry! I didn’t know you were there.”

Yami entered the room. “I’d hope not. Would make me wonder if you were mad at me.”

“Tobin and Iban?” She questioned, aware that Yami was leaving for a mission soon. She looked at him thinking about last year when she had gone to Nova House for her birthday.

“They’re waiting downstairs.” Yami saw her expression, knowing that she was thinking about last year when they had parted on a high desirous note only for her to return shortly after her birthday to find him angry and refusing to speak to her. He stepped toward her, pulling her the rest of the way. “Come here, Princess.”

Teris shook her head. “Don’t call me that. Not when I’m going to Silva castle.”

Yami caressed her cheek with the back of his hand. “I don’t care what you are to them. You’re my, Princess.”

She huffed, smirking up at him. “Always got to have it your way, don’t you.”

His arms wrapped around her waist, pulling her closer. “I thought you liked it when I got my way.”

Teris laughed, lowering her head and pushing at his chest through not really trying to push him away. “Yami. You got to go and I got to get ready to go.”

“What? Don’t want me to have my way any more? I owe you.”

“Owe me?” Teris lifted her head.

Yami smirked, getting exactly what he wanted, her eyes on him. He stared at her, his desire openly clear in his gaze. “For your birthday. I owe you a gift.”

“No.” Teris shook her head. “We agreed no gifts. Remember.”

Yami lowered to whisper in her ear. “Oh, I remember vividly.”

He stepped back, Teris falling a step forward. That should leave him in the foremost of her mind till she returned to him, Yami thought.

Teris blushed at the memory of having offered herself as Yami’s birthday gift and what had ensued. “W—we agreed we needed to be--”

“Good? Better behaved? More restrained?” Yami smiled, looking her over.

Teris swallowed, legs squeezing together. She could feel the pulled of his gaze as it raked over her body.

“Depends on how good, behaved, and restrained you are while suffering those humorless royals these next few days. I don’t want you getting into trouble over there and putting an end to the trouble we get up to together over here.” Yami’s devilish grin was cut short by Tobin’s echoing holler.

“Yami!”

Yami backed out of the room. “Gotta go, Princess. I’ll treat you to your gift when you return.”

Teris sunk onto the bed as soon as he was out of sight. How could mere words leave her breathless with wanting? While they hadn’t done anything close to what they had been up to before the war. Teris hadn’t been frightened or uncomfortable ever since Yami had promised to be patient and work with her. Instead she found herself eager and desirous as Yami always seemed to leave her frustrated and wanting more. She got the distinct feeling he enjoyed this new little game of his that left her grasping and falling forward after him.

Standing, she shook her head clear of the dreamy feeling Yami left her with. She only had one pair of court appropriate shoes here at base. She only had one court appropriate gown here as well; but that she had found easily enough. It was the matching shoe she had to find.

Renewing her search in the trunk that held her things, she hoped Fyntch had thought to order a few proper outfits packed and taken to Silva Castle else she would need to borrow something from Mereoleona’s closet. She certainly wasn’t asking Nebra for such a favor; not that she would wear any of Nozel’s sisters outfits anyway. They were all pink, purple, and lavender. Colors Teris wouldn’t be caught dead in.

“Found you!” Teris said victoriously, pulling out the missing shoe.

72.3

Lunch at Silva Castle was made better and livelier by the presence of the Vermilion's. Nozel and Fuegoleon called themselves rivals. And occasionally acted as such. But in truth they got on well enough for everyone to know them as friends they were. Their father's on the other hand were far from friends.

The rivalry between Nathyn Silva and Leonidas Vermillion had begun at a young age and had only grown over the years. Sadly it wasn’t only their station that often brought the two patriarchs together. Before Acier’s death, she and Marcellina, Fuegoleon’s mother, had been close friends. The women had often planned dinners and outings together for the two royal families. Even after Acier’s passing, Nathyn tolerated Leonidas’ company just so he could interact with Marcellina. It made Nathyn happy to be around someone who had loved Acier nearly as much as he had and could reminisce about her with him.

Seated to her husbands left, Marcellina lightly scolded. “You should be ashamed of yourself, Fyntch. Not bringing proper court clothes for your sister.”

“Men don’t think of such things, my dear.” Leonidas told his wife.

Marcellina turned to her daughter. “Mereoleona. After we’ve finished lunch, you must take Teris out shopping.”

Mereoleona sighed. “Really, Mother.”

“Aunt Lina, please. I could simply borrow a gown or two from Leona’s wardrobe.” Teris said.

“Works for me.” Mereoleona said.

Marcellina looked horrified. “Absolutely not. Your coloring's are not at all similar. The color scheme of her wardrobe will not look well on you. Besides, your forms are much too dissimilar. Leona’s gowns won’t fit you properly.”

“She’s only an inch or two shorter than me.” Mereoleona told her mother. She look at Teris. “Don’t you go growing anymore. I won’t stand for you being taller that me.”

“Your torso is longer than hers and your legs are shorter.” Marcellina said, not mentioning their difference in bust with men present.

“Fine. I’ll go if Leon comes.” Mereoleona bargained.

“Why?” Fuegoleon complained, wondering how his sister always managed to force him into things their mother wanted her to do.

“Come now, Leon. You like shopping.” Mereoleona grinned.

Fuegoleon couldn’t argue with that. Not to mention that someone had to guide his sister and cousin on what was proper, in fashion, and looked well on Teris. “Fine.”

“Oh Fyntch, don’t look so stern. We’ll pay. Consider it our birthday gift to our favorite niece.” Marcellina told, upon seeing the mans sour expression.

“No need to mention money at the table, Lina, my dear.” Leonidas said.

“I’m not concerned about the cost.” Fyntch said.

“Of course you’re not.” Leonidas said.

“I simply do not care for the time such an excursion will take from this annual gathering.” Fyntch went on.

“Then have Nozel, Nebra, and Solid join them.” Marcellina smiled, brightly. “The children can go shopping while we all visit. No doubt they’ll have more fun doing that than sitting around listening to us.”

“Please, Father. There were these gloves I saw when we passed through and would so like to get a better look at them.” Nebra said, looking down the table at her father.

Nathyn smiled at his eldest daughter, the thought of reminiscing about his beloved wife with Marcellina putting him in a good mood. “Very well. Nozel. Look after your siblings and Intended.”

“Yes, Father.” Nozel said, not needing to look at Teris to know her expression had hardened at the way his father had referred to her.

“Can I go, Mother?” Leopold asked.

Marcellina looked fondly down at her youngest son. “Dear little Leo. You still have your magic training with Ms Theresa.”

“That’s right!” Leopold said, becoming excited. He looked to his brother. “I’m going to become just as strong as you, Leon.”

“I am sure you will.” Fuegoleon smiled.

“It’s a shame Noelle isn’t here. She and Leo could have trained together.” Marcellina said, looking at Nathyn.

There was little Nathyn could say that wouldn’t disparage Noelle and therefore the family so he opted to suggested. “Shall we move to the tea room?”

“I’ll take a coffee.” Leonidas told a servant.

Marcellina glanced at her husband. She didn’t like him drinking the beverage, it made him irritable.

The men stood, Fyntch leaving the handling of his sister to Nozel as he stepped away from the table. Much as Teris didn’t like accepting such courtly attention from Nozel, she’d much rather take his hand of assistance than her brothers.

“You kids behave.” Leonidas told them, making his way out of the lunch room.

“Be back in time to properly prepare for dinner.” Nathyn instructed, eyes on Nozel.

Nozel inclined his head.

Their elders gone, they all looked at each other.

Mereoleona finally broke the silence. “Where should we go first?”

“I still can’t believe you’re here.” Teris muttered.

“Thanks for that. You really know how to make someone welcomed.” Mereoleona told, sarcastically.

“Sorry. It’s only Julius said he couldn’t be here because he had so much left to do.” Teris all but rolled her eyes thinking she was going to kill him.

“I’m sure he does. You forget he was overseeing the southwest forces during the war.” Mereoleona said.

Teris blinked never having considered that. She suddenly felt bad for giving her brother such a hard time.

“The Fine Cloth.” Nozel said, answering Mereoleona’s earlier question. The last time he had been in there, before the Nine Day War, there had been a gown he had admired for Teris. Never had he imagined that he would actually get a chance to see her in it.

Mereoleona slapped the table. “The Fine Cloth it is.”

“But the gloves I wanted to look at were on the other side Dressers Lane.” Nebra complained.

“We’re going so that Lady Teris will suitably attired for the following days events. Not so you can purchase yet another pair of gloves.” Nozel told.

Nebra turned away from her brother sticking her nose in the air.

Nozel sighed, wondering why Nebra and Solid had to accompany them in the first place.

Teris’ brows furrowed. “You’re making this sound as if it'll take all afternoon. I just need two, maybe three dresses.”

“You will need two evening dresses, a ball gown, a court gown, garden gown, two day dresses, and riding attire.” Nozel said, thinking of the itinerary for the following couple of days.

Teris scoffed. “Don’t be ridiculous.”

“As well as shoes and accessories for each.” Fuegoleon added.

“What!” Teris shook her head. “The shoes I’m wearing are fine. No one will even see them anyway.”

“Yes, they will. Ladies look at such things while you’re climbing or descending steps.” Nebra told.

“As do the men.” Solid smirked, always looking in hope of glimpsing a bit of leg.

Nozel turned to his brother. Solid shrunk back.

“Really?” Teris questioned, in disbelief. She never looked at anyone's shoes. Looking to Fuegoleon she argued. “Even so. What does that matter? I don’t--”

“You’re getting shoes. Mana! Do you always have to be so difficult?” Fuegoleon complained.

“Do you?” Teris shot back.

Mereoleona smiled at the two of them. “Ah! This brings back memories. Kind of makes me wish you could spend a night over at Vermillion Castle with us.”

Teris spun to her. “Can I?”

“No.” Mereoleona and Nozel said.

Teris refused to look at Nozel instead giving Mereoleona the glared meant for him.

Mereoleona step to Teris, tossing an arm around her shoulder. “Let’s go. I have a feeling that between Leon and Nozel the two of us can sit back and let them see you perfectly outfitted.”

72.4

Seated in the tea room, Marcellina said. “It’s a shame Fyntch had business to take care of and couldn’t stay. You men. Always working so hard to see your families cared for and supported.”

Leonidas gazed lovingly at his wife. “Just as you ladies work so diligently to see our family and homes looked after and well ordered.”

“It’s the least we can do.” Marcellina smiled back, the couple sharing a moment.

Nathyn turned away. Such open affection was unseemly in his eyes. Things and talk like that were meant for private moments and even then sparingly so, least they become like the commoners who readily gave into their more feral natures any time they wished with no sign of restraint.

Marcellina turned to Nathyn. “The boys appear to be getting along. Then again unlike the two of you, they’ve never had much of a problem in that regard.”

Nathyn looked at Lady Vermillion who gave him one of her kind but playful smiles.

“I tease, my Lord.” Marcellina said.

“No matter how truthful it is.” Leonidas said giving the Silva a sideways before focusing back his wife. “My dear, would you mind checking on Leopold so Nathyn and I can speak alone?”

Marcellina set down her cup and saucer. Both men rose from their seats. Leonidas offered his hand and helped his wife from her seat.

Nathyn gave a slight bow. “My Lady. As always your presence has been a pleasure that is visited upon me too infrequently.”

Marcellina blushed ever so slightly. “My Lord Silva. With prose such as that I shall endeavor to have my husband and I rectify this rarity.”

She placed her hand in Nathyn’s outstretched one, smiling shyly as he lifted it to his lips to graze her knuckle with a kiss.

Leonidas watched his wife walk away. If he didn’t enjoy the sight of her swaying backside and swishing skirts so much he might have never allowed Marcellina to leave his presence. He turned to Nathyn who stared a moment longer at the closed door.

“You still have it.” Leonidas declared.

Nathyn’s blue eyes turned the man. “Still have what?”

Leonidas huffed. He retook his seat, Nathyn doing the same. Even when they were younger the cold fool never knew the effect his fine words had on the opposite sex. As if Nathyn Silva’s handsome face and high rank hadn’t been enough to attract every female. Eligible or otherwise.

Leonidas recalled a time back in their youth when Nathyn had come to him asking for advice. A rarity given that they had never gotten along and were only ever together when circumstance demanded. Back then the young, unmarried Silva had unwittingly piqued the interest of Lady Annsan Denwulf. An older royal wed to a nobleman's son and heir. Nathyn had been at a loss at what to do to put an end to the married lady’s persistent attentions. Especially since Nathyn had been on the same squad as the Lady’s son, Dorien.

Leonidas smiled at the memory of one of the few occasions he had ever seen Nathyn Silva flustered and lacking in confidence.

“Our sons did well completing the Kings request.” Leonidas said, changing the subject to something the Silva would find less aggravating. “You should be proud of your boy. It is he who will get all of the honor and credit tomorrow.”

“As is only fitting since he would have born all of the shame and blame if they had failed.” Nathyn said.

“I wasn’t complaining, Silva.”

“It’s difficult to tell at times, Vermillion.”

The two men stared at each other. Leonidas blinked first, not too proud to do so for the sake of peace. “Nozel deserves all the praise he will get tomorrow. Commanding my niece alone is a fete that couldn’t have been easy.”

“I’ll admit they both require practice in that arena.” Nathyn said, speaking of Teris and his son. “Though I have full faith that Nozel will command her with as firm a hand as required to get Lady Teris to submit.”

“But no firmer than necessary I would hope. We are speaking of my favored niece. A child as dear to me as if she were one of my own.” Leonidas said.

Nathyn arched a questioning brow. “Is that what this is about? You wish to take the position as the girls father figure? If so, then get her to behave like a proper young lady. At the very least stop her from cavorting with that foreign boy from her squad.”

Thinking of the reports he had heard of Teris and the foreigner out on the lawn during his daughters Lava Springs party, Leonidas sighed. “I admit I was rather displeased and disappointed to hear of that. Even my Mereoleona, free and unorthodox as she is, wouldn’t entertain a young man so openly. Still, it seems Teris has either learned her lesson or someone has instructed her on decent, if not proper, romantic decorum. I haven’t heard anymore murmurings of such instances. Have you?”

Nathyn scowled. “That hardly means such things aren’t still being done in private.”

Leonidas rolled his eyes. “As if you went into your marriage having never felt another's lips. Teris may be a little too much like my Leona, but she would never give herself fully outside of marriage. Of that I’m certain. It’s simply a line the girl would never cross.”

“She belongs to my son.”

“No.” Leonidas countered. “She will one day belong to your son. Right now the only claim you and Nozel have on her is that Teris is meant for him.” He relaxed back into his seat. “The boy loves her. That much is obvious. So long as things with the foreigner don’t go too far, Nozel will forgive her this male diversion. So why not let it be? It makes her happy. The poor child has had such little happiness in her life. And let’s face it, I doubt Teris will experience much joy when finally wed into your family.”

Nathyn took in a steadying breath, calming his rising mana. Looking across the coffee table, he challenged. “You would have a problem with this if it were your sons Intended we were discussing.”

“Any Intended meant for my son wouldn’t have to seek out joyful diversions in dread of the day she became a member of my House.” Leonidas said, light tone carrying an dangerous undercurrent. His forced smile tight, he went on. “Let us hope that you are not fully successful in turning Nozel into you. Else I truly will feel for my niece.”

“He’s too soft.” Nathyn declared.

“I agree he has a lot to learn. Both our boys do. At least they are working with and learning together. Explains their quick rise within the Magic Knights. Where as you and I often battled to our detriment within the order.”

Nathyn huffed, the usual slight down turn of his lips leveling to a thin line.

“I mean it Nathyn. Leave the girl and foreign boy be. I’m watching the matter closely to see that nothing of any sort gets out of hand.”

Nathyn’s eyes narrowed, his lips pulling downward. As much as he didn’t like the Vermillion telling him what to do, it was Leonidas’ last sentence that was upsetting, if not concerning. Just how closely was Leonidas watching? Was he aware of the failed attempt on Yami’s life during the Nine Day War? Or the money left without word by the Black Bulls Vice Captain? How long had Leonidas being watching? Did the Vermillion know of the two previous attempts before this latest debacle?

Leonidas smiled at the Silva’s expression. “I truly hope we understand each other. Given this honor your son has won for your House it would be a shame if a controlling, prideful patriarch turned that esteem to not.”

72.5

While the Sales Assistant had needed to adjust to not showing the offerings of fine fashionable gowns to the two disinterested royal women and instead try to please the two royal men, it had been an easy adjustment to make. These weren’t the first high bred customers that had entered where the man had a mind of how he wanted his woman to look and knew what style best pleased him on her frame. Given what she had heard she was rather surprised Lady Nova was amenable to allowing her Intended to dress her. She wondered if the two royals had finally submitted to their families intention to see them wed. Such a shame that would be she thought, watching Nozel closely as he tried to decide between two of the remaining riding dresses he and Lord Fuegoleon Vermillion had narrowed it down to.

The Sales Assistant sighed dreamily, wishing that it was her His Highness was outfitting. A smile crossed her face as she took in Nozel’s form. Better yet, they could move on the the back of the store and he could outfit her in the lingerie they offered. She would gladly try it on for him.

She glanced at the bored Lady Nova who occasionally sighed heavily as if it was such a tiresome inconvenience to have two of the highest ranking young royals, both of whom would make any girl stop and stare at their handsome face and figure, picking out such fine dresses for her to wear. Some girls had all the luck and didn’t even realize or appreciate it, she thought bitterly.

“This one will look better.” Nozel said.

“And she’ll be able to move about easier in the other.” Fuegoleon said. He crossed his arms and looked at the Silva. “It’s a riding dress. Comfort and maneuverability are more important than mere appearance.”

“If this wasn’t for a court gathering I might agree with you. But it is and I’m picking this one.” Nozel told.

“Since this is a birthday gift from the Vermillion's, what you pick has little bearing.” Fuegoleon said, tersely.

“Teris.” Nozel called over his shoulder.

“Are we done?” Teris called back, sitting up.

Lounging beside her, eyes closed, Mereoleona muttered. “I hope so. Pretty sure it’s almost time to head back and get ready for dinner.”

“Almost.” Fuegoleon assured. “Come here, please.”

Without looking at the Sales Assistant, Nozel ordered. “Hold the dress up to her.”

“I’m bored.” Teris complained, making her way over to them. She had never liked shopping. Shopping for fancy clothes that were meant for her were definitely off her list of enjoyable activities. She pulled away when a sales girl held something before her.

“Stand still. Fuegoleon snapped.

“And straight.” Nozel added, looking her over appraisingly.

Teris made a face, but did as the two men bid.

Nozel’s eyes slid to Fuegoleon, brow raised.

Fuegoleon look Teris over a moment then nodded. “You’re right.”

“I know.” Nozel said, turning away. He took it as an insult that the Vermillion had doubted his knowing what looked best on his Intended.

“Is that it?” Teris asked, wanting to go back and sit, or better yet return to Silva Castle.

Nozel nodded as the Assistant took up the boots and accessories that he had picked to go with the outfit.

“If I can have my Lady’s measurements I will have these altered and boxed within the hour.” The Sales Assistant said pulling a quill and paper out for Teris to write her numbers on.

Teris blinked at the woman. “I haven’t a clue.”

Nozel sighed. Before he could stop himself had rattled off Teris’ measurements. The Sales Assistant caught herself staring. She quickly turned around, jotting the numbers down and busied herself with boxing the accessories.

Fuegoleon’s expression held a mixture of displeasure and amusement.

Nozel cleared his throat and added lamely. “I would guess.”

Teris felt both angry and embarrassment. She felt exposed. Examined. She felt like a thing. She wanted to walk out and not look back. She wanted to head to the back and have the store clerk take her measurements, sickly interested in how accurate Nozel’s guess was. Mana. She hoped it was a guess. It had to have been a guess, she told herself. How else would he have gotten a hold of her measurements? It wasn’t that she was embarrassed about the numbers. It was that Nozel somehow knew something so personal. More than that, he had spoken the numbers with such confidence and ease as if he were already her husband. Which she had made clear, time and again, he would never be.

Teris saw a tape measure on the counter and grabbed it. Lashing it like a whip, she spun on a heel and marched to the changing room. Nozel mindful to keep his eyes averted from her.

Fuegoleon smirked at his cousins behavior. He turned a stern eye on Nozel. “I had a few choice words for you. But I think Teris will have more than enough so I’ll save my breath. What were you thinking? How do you even know a thing like that?”

“I have a good eye.” Nozel said simply. He looked Fuegoleon over and rattled off the Vermillion’s measurements.

“Impressive. I’d be quick to mention that and prove it when she comes back. Not that it’ll spare you from much.” Fuegoleon told.

It wasn’t long before Teris exited the changing room. Her shoulder rammed into Nozel as she passed making her way for the door. Mereoleona got to her feet.

“Teris?” She called after her cousin. The Crimson Lions Captain looked over at Nozel and her brother wondering what they had done to upset her this time.

Fuegoleon watched his sister follow Teris out. He looked at Nozel and shook his head in sympathetic amusement. Stepping to the counter, he signed the bill of sale and instructed the Clerk on when and where he wanted everything delivered.

Mereoleona stepped beside Teris who had stopped at a nearby fountain. “What’s the matter, Little One?”

Picking at a hangnail, Teris mumbled. “Nozel knew my measurements.”

Mereoleona shrugged. “That’s not surprising. Lord Silva has a mathematical eye. It’s somewhat expected one of his children would inherent the same.” She smiled and told. “My Mother once said that when they were younger Lord Silva’s favorite party trick was to guess how many mixed nuts were in a bowel. She said that he was never off by more than two and that was only when he had a few too many drinks. Father told me that Lord Nathyn helped him in sizing Mother’s betrothal ring and when it came time to put it on her finger it fit perfectly. Said that as happy as he was to have it fit, to this day he doesn’t like it when Mother wears her betrothal ring because it reminds him of Lord Silva’s help.”

Teris relaxed somewhat at that. Maybe that’s all it was. It was something similar to how she could remember the words to every song she had ever heard, even if only once. Or how she could sometimes guess the next few words from a versus or chores she hand never heard. As useless as it was, it was occasionally a fun gift to have. If Nozel was indeed like his father, his gift would be a whole lot more useful. Knowing that about him actually explained a lot. Like how Nozel was able to step back and surmise the weakest point of cell for Fuegoleon, Randall, Zara, and him to focus on. Or how he had known just what pace to set to get them to the next camp point.

Mereoleona looked over at her. “You’re no vain girl that would be upset about something like that. What’s really bugging you?”

“I only have two more years left.” Teris said, the weight of it causing her shoulders to slump.

“And?”

Teris’ head snapped up. “And!”

“That troublesome brute of yours will follow you anywhere.” Mereoleona said with a shrug.

“I don’t want to go anywhere. The Clover Kingdom isn’t perfect but it’s better than most. It’s my home. I love it.”

“Then let that muscly mess of a man fight Fyntch to free you from your family and duty.” Mereoleona said, simply.

“Who says it’ll be Fyntch? If Julius--”

“Julius will never fight Yami. He’s put too much work and effort into that kid to kill him. Besides, Julius would never do anything to force you into a future you didn’t want.” Mereoleona pinched Teris’ cheek. “He adores you too much for that.”

Teris pulled her face away.

Mereoleona dropped her hand. “Julius will work something out. You can count on that. Your little Lord of Destruction won’t have to face him.”

“I don’t want Yami to have to face anyone.” Teris said.

Mereoleona didn’t know if her cousin was stating what her perfect world looked like, or if Teris was still that young, foolish, and hopeful. “I know it’s you birthday in a couple days, Little One. But you can’t have all the things.”

“I don’t want all the things.” Teris said, fiercely. “I’m ready and willing to lose my name, title, and all that comes with it when it’s time.”

“Even us?” Mereoleona asked.

“That’s the only thing I’ll miss.” Teris said, finding it difficult to keep the other woman’s gaze.

Mereoleona clasped Teris’ shoulder. “Don’t worry. You won’t lose me. Well you will once Leon’s ready to become Captain, but so will everyone else cause I’m getting out of here.”

“Where are you going?”

“We’re talking about you here.” Mereoleona put her other hand on Teris’ other shoulder, holding both of them. “Now I need you to listen and heed what I tell you cause it’s important.”

“Alright.” Teris said, uncertainly.

“No.” Mereoleona shook her head. “No tentative, alright's. I said this was important.”

“Okay. I’m listening.”

Mereoleona looked at the younger girl lifting her eyebrows. “And heeding. I need you to really listen and take in what I have to say.”

Teris gave a nervous smile. “Leona. You’re starting to scare me.”

“Good. Cause this is so important it is scary. Are you listening?”

Teris nodded.

“You got of stop worrying about this stuff. Whether you leave or stay. If that big lug fights on your behalf or not. There’s nothing you can do about any of that right now. Not with two year left to go. So don’t think about it. Put it out of your head and enjoy the here and now. With all that’s going on who knows what will happen between then and now. Hell, Fyntch or Lord Nathyn could die. You or Yami could die. Nozel could--”

“Please stop saying ‘die’.” Teris begged.

“You get my point.” Mereoleona went on. “Enjoy these next few days and the ones after. Relish your ranking friends and family. Well, maybe not Fyntch. He is a bit of a prat. But I do include Nozel in that. If—when you get what you want. Even if you don’t get it exactly as you want. All of this changes, if it doesn’t go away forever. Even if and when you become Knights Commander. Which I am as certain you’ll achieve as I am of Julius becoming Wizard King.” She looked at her cousin affectionately. “The relationships. The close friendship you have with those two boys back in that store will never be the same. There will be strain and tension and hurt feelings. And that strain, anger, and hurt will always be there on some level no matter how much time passes or how well those feelings are hidden.”

Teris lowered her head fighting back the hurt, anger, and fear her cousins words brought to the surface.

Mereoleona chucked a finger under Teris’ chin. “Don’t look so down. You still got two years left to have a lifetime of fun and laughs with those two boys. I’m telling you this so you don’t waste it. Consider it my birthday gift to you.”

72.6

Mereoleona knocked on her father's study door.

“Enter.” Leonidas Vermillion called. “Ah, Leona, my dear. What are you doing up so late?”

“Just because I’m here doesn’t mean work doesn’t follow.” Mereoleona said, speaking of her duties as the Crimson Lions Captain. She sat before her father's desk. “What about you?”

“The Magic Knights aren’t the only ones dealing with extra work. Drink?” Leonidas offered, getting up and moving to the bureau behind his desk that bore several decanted spirits.

Having more work to see to, Mereoleona shook her head. “No, thanks. You shouldn’t either. Mother will smell it on you and scold.”

“I can handle your Mother.” Leonidas said, pouring himself a fingers worth instead of the two he had planned before his daughters words.

“Did you speak to Lord Silva?” Mereoleona asked.

Leonidas returned to the chair, sighing as he sat. “I told you I would. However did you learn Nathyn hired men to kill Teris’ young friend?”

Mereoleona recalled Bronn telling her the truth of things after Yami was found unharmed after he had been taken by a dimensional spell. She had almost gone to confront Nathyn Silva herself; and likely would have if she hadn’t been fighting in a war. Yami had been under her command at the time. She had been responsible for him. More than that, Yami was a Magic Knight. As much as the squads might bicker and fight, they were one unit. One family. If anyone from the outside threatened one them they may as well have threatened every Magic Knight. Their lives were dangerous enough as if was. They didn’t need anyone getting ideas to make it more so. Thanks to the war, Mereoleona had been forced to wait. The passing time had calmed her enough to think with a clearer head which had led her to the decision of going to her father.

“I’d rather not say.” Mereoleona told her father. She didn’t see how telling him would get Bronn in trouble. But she also didn’t see how telling her father would make a difference.

Having his fair share of secrets, Leonidas didn’t press. “Well, Nathyn won’t be sending people after that boy again. Not if he knows what’s good for his family’s image or has any hope of Nozel and Teris making their marriage work.”

Mereoleona looked sadly at her father. “She’s not going to marry him, Papa. How many times do I have to tell you that?”

Leonidas shook his head. “I refuse to believe she won’t. The thought of having to turn away from that girl wounds me too much.”

“You don’t have to. I won’t be.”

“Don’t tell me your future plans to ignore my instructions. And you know full well that I must and will if Teris indeed refuses to follow her family’s commands. I don’t live for my needs and desires, Leona. I have a duty to this family. To House Vermillion. To the King and this kingdom.”

Mereoleona sat forward and inquired. “Then why speak to Silva at all? Why not let him do as he wishes and rid this kingdom of a dirty foreigner who’s messing around with a royal girl far above his station?”

Taking a sip of his drink, Leonidas drawled. “Sometimes I can’t tell if you’re having fun or truly being adversarial.”

“It’s no wonder when sometimes I can’t tell myself.” Mereoleona admitted, sitting back.

“Let us say Teris does as she’s told and weds Nozel. She doesn’t love him and while she might learn to, it will be a rough few first years for her as Lady Silva. If Nozel is incapable of bringing her to heel I have no doubt that Nathyn will step in and his methods will be far less tender and caring.”

“And you’re okay with that?” Mereoleona asked. “A girl you claim to love like your own daughter--”

“But Teris isn’t my daughter.” Leonidas interjected. “I may be the third highest man of this land but even I have limits on what I’m able to do. Especially when faced against the second ranking man of the kingdom.”

While Leonidas didn’t have major issue admitting the truth of his limitations as His Royal Highness Lord Vermillion to Mereoleona, he didn’t like seeing the look of disappointment in his daughters eyes. Apparently his children thought him able of any and everything he wished and were crestfallen every time he told them that it wasn’t true. At least Fuegoleon as his heir, was beginning to understand his limitations, and hardly ever looked at him as Mereoleona did now.

“Teris deserves some happiness.” Leonidas said, telling her the same thing he had told Nathyn. “Whether she submits and weds Nozel. Or refuses and deals with whatever consequences that decision brings her way. It will still be a tough adjustment for her. So yes. After what you told me, I spoke with Silva to ensure she has a couple joyful years before this mess comes to a head. Besides,” he shook his head in disgust, “hiring gangs to kill that foreign boy. Nasty business that. Nathyn should be ashamed of himself. He had no right attempting such a thing. He over stepped his bounds.”

“I’m not so sure he’d agree.”

“I don’t give a damn if Nathyn Silva agrees.” Leonidas stormed. “Teris is his sons Intended. That is all. Her behavior and going on's are not for him to sway or tamper with. If there’s something he doesn’t like he should speak with Fyntch, or Julius. Hell, even speak with me. But to try to have that young man killed, not once but twice that you’re aware of, simply because he doesn’t approve of Teris’ dealings with him. This Yami Sukehiro is a Third Class Senior Magic Knight for mana’s sake!”

“And soon to be co-Vice Captain of the Black Bulls.” Mereoleona added.

Leonidas raised an eyebrow. “Truly.”

She nodded, happy that her effort to distract and calm her father had worked so easily. “From what I understand Yami and Teris are to become co-Vice Captain's once the current Black Bulls Vice Captain retires to marry.”

Leonidas chuckled, heartily. “Silva certainly won’t like that. But maybe between my words and this Yami’s new rank, Nathyn will cease these tasteless attempts.”

72.6.2

Fuegoleon hadn’t meant to eavesdrop. He had only gotten up to get a glass of warm milk after trying and failing to get to sleep for over an hour and a half. But after what he’d just heard he didn’t think anything would help him sleep.

From down the hall he had seen light coming from his father’s half opened study door and decided that instead of fetching some milk he would offer his assistance with whatever his father was working on. As training for one day becoming the head of the royal House Vermillion his father often sent him work to do. Fuegoleon was even charged with overseeing three of their pieces of land. But with the war, his father had stopped sending him work and had taken over managing those properties in Fuegoleon’s place.

This morning his father had told his responsibilities for the three properties would continue once the festivities were over and he returned to the Crimson Lions base. Even though his duties as a Magic Knight would still demand more time and attention then usual until the gangs and such could be beaten back into place, Fuegoleon had been glad to have his familial duties returned.

After hearing his father and sister, Fuegoleon walked swiftly back to his quarters. He quietly closed and locked both the outer and inner doors of his chambers. Running a shaky hand over his forehead, he tried to comprehend what he had just heard. Lord Silva had hired people to kill Yami. And not just once but twice.

He didn’t like his cousin’s close relationship with Yami, or the liberties he knew Teris allowed the man. But that was far from a reason to kill him. His father had been right in his tempered outrage. Nathyn Silva had no right to attempt such a thing. Teris was Nozel’s Intended, nothing more. Until the two were properly betrothed neither Nozel or his father had any claim or authority over her. Even after they were betrothed the Silva’s say wouldn’t be much. Certainly not enough to permanently remove a person from Teris’ life by hiring people to kill. Who would even considered such a thing? Let alone followed through with it. What kind of person hired people to take another's life?

Fuegoleon felt himself go cold. Was this what it meant to a patriarch of a royal House? He knew his father held the lives and well-being of countless people in his hand. But he had never thought his father viewed those lives as expendable. Sure people had died in their service to him or the family. But Lord Leonidas Vermillion had always seen that the surviving family were given a large sum and well looked after. Fuegoleon couldn’t imagine his father capable of ordering someones death. Their Imprisonment and execution maybe. But those were open, lawful things. Hiring some gang to murder someone was something completely different. Something he had never imagined a royal doing. Such deeds were what thugs did.

No. Fuegoleon corrected himself. Such deeds were what thugs were hired to do. But who did the hiring? The thought that is was people like Lord Silva and his father troubled him. The fact that he was lumping his father in with Lord Silva’s terrible deed simply because the two were both patriarchs and close in rank disturbed him further still. But if Silva had done such a thing for something as simple as not liking Yami’s close connection with Teris, when Yami was a high ranking Magic Knight, it was almost certainly sure that Nozel’s father had hired such gangs for other reasons in the past. And if that were so, what was to say that his own father hadn’t done likewise. Fuegoleon couldn’t fathom a reason that would cause a man as honorable and caring as Leonidas Vermillion to do such a thing. He knew his father had killed before. His father had once been a Magic Knight where death and killing was sadly a somewhat regular occurrence. Even so, Fuegoleon couldn’t picture it. For some reason, despite knowing otherwise, he didn’t think his father the type of man capable of taking a life. Then again he thought the same about Nozel even though he had seen different with his own eyes more than once on the battlefield.

Nozel! Fuegoleon jolted, his hands and face becoming clammy. Did Nozel know of Lord Silva’s attempts? If so, when had Nozel known? He knew Nozel wanted to see Yami dead. That his threat of one day overseeing Yami’s execution was far from an empty one. What if Nozel had had enough of Yami’s teasing and inciting his anger? What if Nozel had had enough imagining what Teris and Yami got up to? Imagining what allowances she afforded Yami when she wouldn’t even accept a single kiss from Nozel. Could it be that Nozel had been the one to make the suggestion to Lord Nathyn? Fuegoleon didn’t think so; but up until a few moments ago he didn’t think Nathyn Silva, an upstanding royal and next in line for the throne, the type to hire assassins.

Writing isn’t just a love. It’s my only real outlet. And being able to connect with other people, bringing someone enjoyment through what little I can actually do has been a HUGE brightspot for me. So THANK YOU to everyone who has ever commented, reblogged, or left an ask.

Next chapter snippet:

Yami’s jaw clenched at that. He wasn’t sure he believed all this primordial forces business but he knew Alowishus and his Agents of Crazies did. All Yami was willing to admit at the moment was there was something more to all of this than rare, strong magic.

#yami sukehiro #nozel silva #fuegoleon vermillion #mereoleona vermillion #julius novachrono #nebra silva #solid silva #leopold vermillion #Black Clover #light in the darkness

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hydradrive · 3 years

Text

Go Hellnalysis (aka : hydradrive gets mad at the fanbase for ignoring go’s ongoing 2 season long breakdown for like, 5+ paragraphs)

We are talking S1 foreshadowing as it relates to the facts of S2. As already mentioned, I think it sucks of the writers to do it to him like how it sucks how they treated Emma and Aoi throughout the entire series and reeks of colorism like. having your two darkest skinned characters be actively antagonistic as s2 goes on is a bad fucking look.

But it’s there, and I am not happy that people defend Lightning weirdly when he treats people he knew for years badly, and then turn around and say wildly fucked up shit about Go.

I guess today is the day i Get Into It Again. I’ll be rehashing some of my points from my old thread on nac, so strap in i guess.

This is said to Playmaker in season two.

‘After i lost to you’.

So, by episode 4. And the text backs this up. The text in season one aligns.

In Go Onizuka VS Genome :

[ transcript for subbed text:

Dr. Genome : Did your defeat at Playmaker’s hands force you to evolver?

Go Onizuka : As much as I hate to admit it, yes. That was when everything changed.

/end text screenshot id ]

That was when everything changed.

Let’s look at the rest of it, then. How it affected him, in the long-term. The Go Analysis... Is here.

MASSIVE CWs for discussion of canonical weight loss, brief discussion of disordered eating in the context of that, and a whole bunch of other stuff re: the brain hack that I don’t even know how to tag, really. medical? Basically, if you have any triggers relating to that, please exercise due diligence because I will not pull any punches about the implications.

tldr version :

This is real dialogue from Go Onizuka’s first (and only) duel against Revolver.

No matter what he says trying to spin it a different way after this segment of text, that it’s about fighting for yourself, these statements exist, and they exist with the context given by his own words; that he was struggling, mental health-wise, when he said these words.

[ transcript for subbed text:

Go Onizuka : Until now, I’ve battled in front of huge crowds. (There is a single beat frame, to indicate silence.) But I realized I’m all alone. There are no fans rooting for me here. I realized... We always duel alone. We fight for ourselves, not for anyone else.

/end text screenshot id ]

But perhaps this isn’t compelling enough for people. Fine. Let’s go even further back.

[ transcript for subbed text for screen readers : Go Onizuka : It’s my fault that Makoto is in this condition. /end text screenshot id ]

Go has an easily seen habit of assuming the worst, and with regards to stuff like Makoto, blaming himself, to the point that if his manager hadn't said more on Makoto, he would've been going into VS Genome blaming himself for Makoto getting into duel monsters in the first place.

In episode 5 it was shown that with one loss he was entirely certain that nobody would care about him in any capacity:

But why?

... It’s brought up in one of the first episodes of the entire series.

[ transcript for subbed text for screen readers :

Go Onizuka’s Manager : That’s exactly it. It’s a winner-take-all world, after all.

/end text id. ]

And given an even more... depressing? Spin later, when Go thinks about it throughout S1 and S2 during his duel with Takeru:

[ transcript for screen readers :

Before I was placed in the orphanage, I only relied on myself. The world I lived in was all about survival of the fittest. “You must protect yourself” was my credo.

/ end text screenshot id ]

It’s genuinely that simple. He slipped back into his old way of surviving because the way he did in season one didn't. save him. it didn't save him from a duel he needed to win, not just for himself necessarily. he would have died if playmaker had lost. a lot of people would have. He was already starting to have these doubts about his entire reason d’etre for dueling, and his loss only further spurred it on.

It’s repeated, again and again:

[ transcript for screen readers :

Go Onizuka : For everyone to appreciate me, I must win!

/end text screenshot id ]

That sentiment. “People won’t like me if I lose.” “People will abandon me, if I lose.” In his own words, his losses, losses in duels that were important, rotted him. And it /is/ true. His manager said he’d leave if he went to try and stop the Tower Of Hanoi and lost. And he followed through with it, by all implications. He didn’t come back until season 3. Keeping in mind that Go’s self-hatred spiral regarding guilt over in his mind dragging Makoto into the mess that was season one-era Hanoi shenanigans was only cut off because his manager and other people talked him out of it... Yeah.

This is before we bring in the other complicating factor : a certain little company, who never did anything good for anyone. A man, who despite supposedly being well-intentioned, did very little to help, until it reached the darkest point.

[ transcript for subbed text for screen readers, since that’s the primary important stuff :

Akira Zaizen : But we don’t intend to acknowledge that the network was on the brink of destruction. So I ask you don’t cause the press to delve into this.

/end text screencap id]

People focus so much on him yelling at the press because they keep asking about Playmaker but with this context?

[ transcript text for screen readers:

Akira Zaizen: You’ll continue to be the focus of the press. /end text screenshot id ]

He’s not allowed to talk about how you nearly died.

He’s not allowed to talk about what really was at stake.

In fact, he’s not allowed to even act in a way that makes people even a little suspicious about what happened.

And yet.

‘But he could just ignore this advice’ . Not really. Go Onizuka’s platform was built in Link Vrains. Being the whistleblower about the actual danger of Link Vrains would not endear him to Sol, and potential backlash from Sol, from everything we know about the company? Hmm, gosh, wonder why that might be bad. Almost as if Go is basically a livestreamer who is at risk of having the video platform he exists on die.

It would be incredibly difficult to continue working under the public eye like that. The stress from that alone would start tearing someone to pieces.

Ergo, his decision to work for Sol Technologies as a bounty hunter. Both jobs now hinge on him currying favor with a horrible megacorporation, one just has less baggage from his past way of surviving and gives him the ability to talk a tiny bit more freely about things.

This is all the leadup, of course, to the ultimate lowest point. The duel chip. Brain hack.

[ transcript text for screen readers: ‘By implanting this duel chip, the brain’s thought capabilities expand.’ /end text screenshot id ]

[ transcript text for screen readers:

Akira Zaizen: You can always refuse.

Go Onizuka : Your methods are dirty. You guide me to the gates of hell, but you don’t care what happens afterwards. /end text screenshot id ]

Let’s talk about the physical side-effects of the brain chip on Go Onizuka.

Me, personally? I genuinely wonder what came first; the most severe physical side-effects or a worsening of Go’s mental health that made him stop eating.

It’s never stated what came first. We only see the mental health side effects of the chip in flashbacks initially.

I looked at one of the instances where Akira pulled go out of the sim wrt: the listed sys/dia ratios on-screen. They have those in certain shots, btw! They’re consistently really fucked up!

Here’s what those were, in one very notable instance:

... So, right off the bat, a heartrate of 195, huh.

And a sys/dia of 187/112 with a mean of 136. Wow! I wonder what that means for him!

I can tell you.

He statistically would be in the range of having a hypertensive emergency. Having rates like this can damage your heart muscle when you don’t literally have a heart attack, hypertensive encephalopathy, ( which can cause dizziness and altered levels of consciousness, if we are getting into it.), kidney failure, coughing up blood...

I don’t want to speculate too much about why the Duel Chip caused this, but I will note that blood pressures like this sometimes come about as result of issues with the neuroendocrine system. This would tie in with a loss of appetite and some of the other things Go seems to canonically have had from the getgo of having the chip installed, and probably added on to his already pre-existing mental health stuff which I personally parsed as depression.

... I think this mostly covers the main points of what gets missed. Aka, literally all of his arc. Just, literally every piece of his arc. People miss all of it.

Also, to reiterate : it is NOT GOOD the way this is framed by the writers. it is loaded to, in a series heavily informed by the main character’s trauma, have a teenaged darker skin character ( Go is 19!! ) be portrayed as more erratic, etc etc. I do Not care about Lightning. He is a little robot, and while there is probably some ableism in the way trauma is represented therein as a corrupting force, it is far more worrying how Go is treated in terms of representation, and I am not going to bat for the guy who treated Haru like dogshit lmao.

The fact that one of the two darker skinned MOC is given more obvious mental/physical illness signifiers in terms of symptoms to mark them as antagonists (when, again, Yusaku literally CANONICALLY HAS PTSD) fucking blows, and I’m going to personally fight the writers.

But. I am also laying the blame at the fanbase’s feet for this shit, too. They literally ignored this to coo over Lightning. I’m going to bite them.

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theanxiousunicorn · 3 years

Text

Anxiety

I have been living with it for so long it’s almost become a side kick. A friend.

If it’s with me all the time it can’t jump out at me and take me down as it has many many times before!

If I’m already expecting the worst to happen .... it’s just always such a beautiful and wonderful day when it doesn’t.

If I embrace my anxious feelings of palpitations, jelly legs, shortness of breath, disconnection, I can mind over matter them.

Oh yeah! That’s a thing!

I believe it’s called “high functioning anxiety”

https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-high-functioning-anxiety-4140198 explains it really well.

What really resonates with me is the section that says;

“If you have high functioning anxiety, you've likely become adept at presenting a false persona to the world and never show your true feelings to anyone.

Instead, you keep it all bottled up inside and compartmentalize your feelings with a plan to deal with them later (but later never comes).

I couldn’t have put it better myself! I have a handful of people that know the “truth” and at my age I think that’s pretty good going! As I feel anxious (lockdown aside) usually from a few minutes before I realise I have to leave the house and for the majority of the day. To only have a handful of people truly know the inner turmoil means .... I must be a very talented actress!

I have had anxiety and panic attacks mixed with bouts of depression since lower school. I could never verbalise it at that age (I was 5!) I think it came out as “stomach ache” or “I feel sick” which isn’t untrue! And it wasn’t until I was 16 when I finally told the truth about how I felt after years of feeling a freak, that I was the only one, the constant fight or flight battle going on within me that caused me to get into no end of trouble at school (flight literally meant ... out of the school gates and home!) uncomfortable situations with friends where I would abruptly leave sleepovers in the middle of the night, cancel plans last minute, not leave my bunk bed on school trips and dissolve into uncontrollable tears at every opportunity because I just did not know what was wrong! I just knew I felt terrible everywhere but at home.

So to look back now at all of that, and look at myself today. My own office. An OFFICE! A team of 5 employees. Attendance at board meetings. A Head of a Department. I have to think (as does anyone that knew me at school and soon after!) how?? How have I done this??

Am I on the right mix of medication?

No. I am not on any for anxiety or depression much to my GP’s distress!

Am I on an expensive therapy of some kind?

No. But I have tried them all! And can hand on heart say CBT is the only one I would recommend. (From my experience)

Am I anxiety and panic attack free?

Sadly no! My panic attacks have .... mutated shall we say! Over the years. I learned to ignore them coming, and could minimise the damage! So my brain found other ways to warn me! That were more severe. I now recognise those as anxiety attacks also (after some scary experiences!) and am able to manage this a bit better. But will I ever be free of them? I really don’t know. But I do hope so!

The anxious feelings at this point I sadly do bring on myself. It’s become my side kick. If I don’t feel anxious leaving home (lockdown aside ... again! we aren’t meant to be out a lot!) then I seem to think about it until it comes. And I believe that is because I secretly feel if it’s already there it can’t come out of nowhere! Like it has in the past.

But I’ll tell you this! I have gone through stages in life where I couldn’t leave the house, stages where I couldn’t leave my BEDROOM! I used to hold on to the need to pee rather than go to the bathroom which was in the next room! I had people think I was having a full on breakdown (maybe I was) I‘ve had eating disorders that have brought me down to less than 6 stone and driven my family to their wits end.

I have lost friends, jobs, relationships, not been able to explain my behaviour, I’ve felt I’m losing my mind. But I’m here! A manager, a wife, a dog mum! I’m here x

#anxiety disorder #anxiety #lifeisbeautiful

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hobohumanitarian6 · 4 years

Text

This is a long post so please be warned!!! I need to get some things off my chest....

⚠️ TRIGGER WARNING POSSIBLE⚠️

Feedback to this post is open-ended. You cannot offend me and will not be blocked.

⭐ So here's the thing: one of my late grandmother's friends just posted that her 29 year old son died in his sleep with seemingly no explanation. This really shook me I guess. For one, I used to hang out with this kid during the summers a lot. My specific memories are very vague, but deep in my consciousness I know that I have called him friend in the past. For another, many things lately have been prompting me to ask the difficult questions ie

Why in the fuck am I here?

What's the meaning of it all?

When is my life going to get better?

How do I prepare myself for better things?

Am I blocking me or is something else blocking me?

What am I doing wrong that the universe doesn't think I'm ready for a new chapter?

Am I really with the right person?

What about the afterlife?

Am I going to be silenced or speak out?

What if I can't do some of things I want/dreamed of?

What is going to satisfy me if my future doesn't go as planned?

⭐ I've been doing quite a bit of soul searching through all of this, established the framework of the person I want to be and

BAM! 🧱 💥 🏃🏻‍♀️

Straight into a fucking. Brick. Wall.

⭐ I am in one of the worst continental states in the US (by even statistic) and before all of the shutdown and pandemic began, I had plans to be relocated with my new job, a place to call home & reunited with family by June 1st. Clearly that didn't happen....

⭐ I am spending $900 a month for a 250 ft² motel room just so I am not out on the streets.

Homelessness. Can we talk about that for a second? People getting arrested for being out past curfew because they don't have a place to go, put in jail because they're in the way, not tested or treated for the virus because they generally have no insurance, giving people loads of food stamps so the emergency assistance funding is broke-

600 dollars of groceries is a lot if you have a fridge, freezer, microwave, oven, toaster, etc not if you have to buy your food from overpriced convenience stores and gas stations and fresh food from grocery stores that 70% of the price is for the packaging it comes with!!

Soup kitchens closing because they don't want to risk contamination. Who's feeding those without a hot meal? Do they realize malnourishment is the quickest way to get sick with any pathogen!?

Shelters closed because of overpopulation. Domestic violence homes turning battered women and children away because there's too scarce of resources and funding. Yet people care about big corporations going bankrupt? Please tell me what the difference is between a goddamn human fucking life and a couple lawsuits because you didn't know how to prepare for an ever-changing economy.

Thank the universe i am sheltered with minimal resources to take care of myself and I have a steady job due to an enormous company's "chance on a down-in-the-dumps contractor." This job I have held steadily for a year despite chronic health issues has been the best thing to happen to me by far in a long time. I am definitely not by any means complaining about my job or that I even have life necessities right now. Several million don't have that.

⭐ The problem with this state is there are no resources for a person who's struggling to make an honest living. I lost my apartment two years ago because I had to take a medical leave of absence at my job then, got behind on rent and was evicted without a chance to catch up. The power was cut three nights before I had to leave, and I owe a deposit on the electric company to get any type of service back in my name. The realty company who owns the apartment complex will not allow a payment plan without a fraction of the principle paid down, so therefore I cannot apply for private or realty housing and I have been on the waiting list for federal housing assistance for 3 years without a single word. I also had my bank card stolen with my ID when I was trying to catch a bus to work a few weeks after that so whoever it was made small purchases that my bank applied interest and late charges to so that is also standing in debt. Thank universe my current employer allows direct deposit to a savings account at a bad credit institution or I'd be royally fucked.

⭐ Before I made the hard decision to doll out almost a G a month just for a room, I tried sleeping in my pickup. I even took the effort to pallet it for a platform bed & make benches to live in free campgrounds, cemeteries, truck stops, boonie dead ends, and behind abandoned buildings. I had a 12V converter that I connected to a rice cooker and made a tin can stove to grill small portions of meat on a single-egg mini skillet. I kept getting chased off by rangers, cops, annoying people trying to do crack and not get their lives better, and eventually violently detained for "suspicious activity" - I was thrown on the ground, put in handcuffs, patted down by a male officer with no female present, searched my vehicle without consent & written a citation: this was 2 am, I had a campsite reservation, I was clearly sleeping & my vehicle was current. The officers did not give me their name or numbers so I could not make a report.

⭐ I have chronic health issues - hip dysplasia & hyper mobility (not severe enough to be EDS), anemia, rexhia (NOT PRO ANYTHING), pre diabetes, H.S, BPD, PTSD, endometriosis & chronic migraines. I have filed time and time and time again for medical assistance but have always been denied. Every time I try to see a doctor, they claim I have this-or-that infection caused by this-or-that disorder, sent to an overpriced pharmacy with illness-irritating antibiotics that just keep me in an unending cycle of flares and barely-managable pain. Do not let anyone privileged or wealthy confuse you - you are not treated the same if you don't have coverage. Sorry to say but it is indeed a fact.

⭐ With this job I work 40-50 hours a week, eat as healthy as I can on a dime sized budget, and cover all my expenses. Yet I cannot move forward in this state on to better things. I want so badly to have a family, to go to college, etc but I cannot do this with living month to month someplace that isn't even my own.

⭐ The emotional affect this has had on me is tremendous. I am embarrassed of my situation, and never allow any guests in fear they'd judge me. I never take any photographs, which is heartbreaking because it has been one of my long-time hobbies. I am extremely guarded and I lie about small details to protect myself. I have severe trust issues and I always hold a dagger at my waist because I have to assume any minute you'll pull out a Glock.

⭐ Naturally I am an empath and this has brought me more compassion and understanding than I ever thought possible. The police brutality against people of color and racism in socio-economic programs truly breaks my heart because as a white female and all the struggles and discrimination I've endured, I can only begin to understand it's 1000x harder for people of color especially. I stand behind your protests 100%. I beseech you, go fight for what you deserve! I will be begging higher powers for your protection indefinitely!

⭐ I have gained a new perspective on non-profit organizations and volunteer work. Some are truly amazing and their stories move people to tears; others are truly wicked stealing from the poor, embezzling cash flow for their own vanities. Please please please research the charity you are interested in thoroughly before getting involved. Volunteer work will always be appreciated- and will teach you many invaluable lessons. If you help these organizations and need help yourself: respect yourself, hold yourself high, and ask for the assistance. They will generally be more inclined to help. If you are turned away, try not to be bitter. Administrators only do as they see fit.

⭐ That's another thing - bitterness. This has been the most vile and roughest character default I've ever had to battle with myself. When you've been through the shit and you can't see the sewer (sts) it's so easy to stay in the dumps. It's so easy to feel entitled because you've clawed your way to the top. It's easy to feel angry with everyone because it's you vs the system. It's so fucking easy to give up completely and stop trying and just lay down and die. It's easy to step in front of a two ton bus, oncoming freight train, taking the entire package of extra strength Excedrin not because you have a migraine, but just not to feel a thing, go completely numb for one single second. It's easy to go down to the head shop and get a nickel bag of weed to chill and get a 5$ pizza and forget you have responsibilities.

IT'S SO FUCKING TOUGH MAN

⭐ Growing up strictly religious, I tend to shy away from Christianity or other "preachy religion" now. I hate having Jesus shoved down my throat at a service before a hot meal on a Tuesday night and the "speaker" automatically assuming I need to stop smoking crack and going to jail and get my life back on track and God will bless me when I'm in the 46% who has never been to county and hold a job while trying to get back on my feet.

ADDICTION IS NOT POVERTY GUYS

I still support people who go to church and speak in tongues if that satisfies them. I still support people who are strictly vegetarian and make a pilgrimage to the mecca if that satisfies them. I still support people who have 7 two week long feasts a year for something that happened 4000 years ago if that satisfies them. I still support people who believe in baptisms for the dead and not drinking coffee if that satisfies them. I still support people who call Jesus the Nazarene and believe that Lucifer the Dark Lord will prevail if that satisfies them. I still support people who call down the power of the moon into their plant babies and give thanks to the triple goddess if that satisfies them. I support religion or practices of all kinds.

I believe I was meant to be tolerant and be good to others. That this life will give back what you put in. That there is a higher power that governs all and it is up to you to determine just what that is to you. Not to tell people what is wrong with their lives just based on your personal story.

⭐ During this pandemic, I have done a lot of soul searching. Journaling, listening to podcasts, listening to seminars on values I'd never know existed, trying to discover who I am. This journey has included empathy training, reiki, yoga, somatic movement, feldenkrais methods, and astral meditation. I just have a list of these questions I'd like answered or given suggestions to:

What do you believe is the meaning of life? Is there any philosophers, speakers, teachers, theologians, writers, musicians etc that can help answer this?

What is your definition of religion in it's rawest form?

Do you know of any resources I may not have thought of?

Is there any criticism you can give good or bad?

Am I focused on one thing and neglecting another?

Do you have any further opinions on the topics listed above?

Do you have a suggestion of the next right step?

Do you have ideas on how I can help with the aforementioned problems?

How do I stop feeling like I'm wasting my time?

How do I find contentment in everything should I die tomorrow?

What is your opinion of the afterlife?

How do you find happiness in the midst of bullshit?

What did a friend/relative/mentor tell you when you were going through an existential crisis?

Have you felt trapped too? Due to the covid or otherwise?

Any curse words, songs, books, movies, etc of use?

🌸🌸I sincerely appreciate any feedback 🌸🌸

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jamiebluewind · 5 years

Text

Fantasy High Theory: Fabian has an eating disorder

TW: eating disorder symptoms, anorexia symptoms, abuse mention, death mention, violence mention, gun mention, alcohol mention, drug mention, trauma mention, smoking mention,...

Word Count: about 2100

I know this is a big assumption to make with what we have, but I couldn't ignore all the data and the warning signs. In fact, I think that even if Fabian does not have an eating disorder at this time, he's certainly at risk for one and needs the issues addressed before it gets worse.

Before I get into it, let me remind everyone that I am about to talk about a very heavy subject. Remember, stay safe and consider the warnings before you continue. You can always message me for a summary of the red flags or for an edited version if you need it. I would rather you be safe than to have you're like on my theory.

Okay? Okay. Let's start by defining a few things.

Eating Disorder: Any of a range of psychological disorders in which people experience severe disturbances in their eating behaviors and related thoughts/emotions. People with eating disorders typically become pre-occupied with food and/or their body weight/shape.

ARFID: Avoidant/restrictive food intake disorder is an eating disorder characterized by eating very little food and/or avoiding eating certain foods. It does not include having a distorted body image (as occurs in anorexia nervosa) or being preoccupied with body image (as occurs in bulimia nervosa). People with avoidant/restrictive food intake may not eat because they lose interest in eating or because they think eating has harmful consequences. They may avoid certain foods because of their color, consistency, or odor. When it becomes more severe, it can cause substantial weight loss, slower-than-expected growth in children, difficulty participating in normal social activities, and sometimes life-threatening nutritional deficiencies.

Anorexia nervosa: Diagnosed when patient BMI (body mass index which is a rule of thumb measuring body size vs mass) is low for their age and height. Severity is classified as mild (BMI of greater than 17), moderate (BMI of 16–16.99), severe (BMI of 15–15.99), or extreme (BMI of less than 15). Hallmarks of anorexia include limited food intake, excessive monitoring of the calorie and fat content of food, fear of being “fat”, problems with body image, denial of low body weight, excessive exercise, food rituals, cold intolerance, mood swings, sleeping issues, chronic fatigue, distorted body image, and many more. Eventually, the body goes into starvation which cause a lot of bad symptoms.

Atypical anorexia nervosa: All of the criteria for anorexia nervosa are met, except the individual's weight is within or above the normal range.

Again, ANY BMI can still mean a person has an eating disorder. It is NOT confined to those that are underweight. The BMI is only there as a red flag and to help classify severity of anorexia. I want to make this very clear, not just for my theory, but for the people reading this who recognize parts of it in themselves or others. I'm about to give an example that gets... personal in order to show that people who don't fit the stereotype of being underweight can still have an eating disorder. How personal? My own.

I am overweight to obese (depending on the doctor and the range). I don't exercise much. I eat pretty well around friends. But I have an eating disorder. I just... don't get hungry most of the time, so I forget to eat a lot more often than is healthy. A LOT more. I've been to the hospital a few times due to dehydration. I've collapsed because I literally forgot to eat for two or three days. I could have died at one point because despite being overweight, I was eating so little that things just... stopped working. Again, I was overweight. People and doctors thought I was just lazy. I was told to eat less and exercise more. Even my blood tests came back fine until one day, they didn't. And even then, nobody listened. Somebody doesn't have to look how you expect them to in order to have a problem. Also, don't be afraid to reach out for help if you feel like some of this hits close to home or someone you know is showing symptoms. It's okay to need help.

So remember, eating disorders can affect anybody with any body. The important thing is to be kind, supportive, and encourage professional help such as cognitive therapy.

****

Now to list Fabian's risk factors (I only listed the ones I believe he has)

Dysfunction family: This is a big risk factor for Fabian. His father is chaotic evil and (despite loving his son) puts massive pressure on him and tries to make him conform to his ideal for most of Fabian's life. Fabian has seen his father abuse his crew and snap at the drop of a hat. His mother has been a heavy alcoholic and mostly absent his entire first 16 years and when she gets off alcohol, she puts an extreme amount of pressure on him herself.

Abuse: This is another big one. His parents have been verbally abusive, emotionally abusive, neglectful in a variety of ways, controlling, manipulative, isolating, and his mother rested his food intake. He could have also been physically abused in the guise of sparing.

Genetics: Fabian's mother is very slim. Using images of weights and comparing it to her shape, she in fact fits the underweight shape which may or may not imply a genetic component depending on if the normal body shapes are different for high elves or not.

Exposure to warped body ideals and weight stigma: Exposure to "body ideals" in places like the media (especially if at a young age) can increase body dysfunction and eating disorder risk. Weight stigma can make this worse due to discrimination and stereotyping based on a person’s weight. Fabian has actually been exposed to this a lot due to his father and the crew. He's a kid around very strong muscular people and he feels pushed to get stronger to live up to his dad. It's also very easy to imagine that crew members who were not strong or active enough got a very bad reaction from his father, which would reinforce the ideal. Some of this is conjecture, but it's not so far outside the realm of possibility to be impossible.

Participation in sports: He's on the Bloodrush team and is a fencer.

Pressure to have a certain body shape from family: I think this risk factor is there too, especially when his mother takes over training.

Bullying/Teasing: Fabian was actually bullied by peers when he first starts school, but I believe his parents were bullying him long before that.

Trauma and PTSD: Oh boy, is this solid. He was most likely traumitized by his parents before high school. He saw two new friends die the first day of school and nearly died himself, only saved by Riz. He watched two teachers die by gunshot right in front of him (and a staff member killed by bludgeoning). Fabian mentions having nightmares about Riz killing Daybreak which might have been due to it being via gunshot. He was forced to kill people due to the situation he found himself in. The person who was supposed to have been helping them the entire time (Biz) turned out to be an evil dude who trapped one friend in a palimpsest and wanted to capture another. He was stuck in jail for weeks! His family was attacked, his home was damaged, and his dad died (and by his hand no less). He and his friends almost died to a dragon. That's a LOT of trauma for a kid to try to process and Jawbone mentioned that he never came to visit him, so he probably dealt with a lot of it on his own.

Low self-esteem: This is unfortunately something else he has. Despite all the bravado, he doesn't know how to be a friend or have people like him for who he is (instead of who his parents are or how much money he has). He tries to put up a cool front, but he judges himself very harshly.

Perfectionism. One of the strongest risk factors for an eating disorder is perfectionism, especially self-oriented perfectionism, which involves setting unrealistically high expectations for oneself. If they fail to meet their high expectations, the person becomes very self-critical. Fabian has this type of perfectionism.

History of an anxiety disorder: This one is reaching, but possible. People often show signs of an anxiety disorder (generalized anxiety, social phobia, OCD,...) before the onset of an eating disorder and Fabian stays on edge a lot, worries excessively, puts up a front, and deals with nightmares.

Substance abuse: Fabian has had alcohol and drugs before the age of 16, his parents almost encouraging it. He smokes regularly. Addiction runs in his family as well with his mother being an alcoholic and his father doing multiple drugs. Neither parent even hides the fact that they take drugs and drink alcohol to excess, the crew probably took drugs and got drunk in front of a young Fabian, and Bill offered drugs to his friends upon meeting them.

History of using weight-controling methods and dieting: Fabian exercises a great deal. He skips meals. He has a limited number of things he will eat. There is a lot of evidence to back this up.

Limited social networks: This was a HUGE issue before high school. Fabian was very isolated. He had no friends, limited social activities, and lacked proper social support. Recently, he's been skipping class exclusively which on top of smoking a lot, puts distance between him and other people.

Long story short? Our boy is at risk. Big time.

****

List of common signs of eating disorders (including anorexia)

Limited food intake: Seen when he has mostly protein smoothies, his mother tries to give him limited rations, and when he refuses to eat with his friends more and more as the series goes on. The first incident of it was in Cool Kids, Cold Case where Fabian refused the food he was offered on two separate occasions, passing it to Riz both times. Once was after the battle with Daybreak and being stuck at the police station a good while. The other was when the teens were hanging out at Riz's appartment when Sklonda got takeout. Fabian's mom also makes him earn food as seen in the live show. This mentality could have very well been internalized, even with Cathilda there to try and give him more.

Excessive monitoring of the calorie and fat content of food: He worries about empty calories, how fattening something is, and removed the cheese from a slice of pizza and dabbed the oil

Fear of being “fat” or in a shape that is not the ideal: In episode 1 of season 2, he is very preoccupied with staying trim and tight.

Excessive exercise: He exercises who knows how long every morning plus for Bloodrush plus the times outside of that

Food rituals: This is interacting with food a certain way (like small bites or how it's prepared) which causes anxiety when not followed. The pizza event might be one, but it's hard to say without a pattern.

Sleeping issues: Fabian has issues with sleeping, dreaming, and nightmares. His father confirmed this and he himself mentioned his nightmares.

Weight loss: By comparing his previous official artwork with his new official artwork, it's easy to see that Fabian looks visibly thinner. He's also VERY cut. (very defined muscles requiring very little fat) for his age. He was muscular last year sure, but his chest and abs are much more defined this year. Being that cut means that despite how muscular Fabian is, he has been eating less and probably doing fat burning exercises, getting a lot of his nutrition from multivitamins and whey, and would have less energy than normal.

Negative energy balance/chronic fatigue: This is only a possibility, but it deserves being mentioned. If this is going on, it puts a spin on some of Fabian's other actions in season 2, episode 1. He showed up late on move in day and didn't really move anything (just carried a book), which might have been a character thing, but could have also been because Fabian is running on empty and capable of things like adrenaline fueled busts of energy, but otherwise dealing with low energy and fatigue.

Also, Fabian is smoking now which works as an appetite suppressant as is common among those with eating disorders.

(Signs with no evidence as of this post: problems with body image, denial of low body weight, cold intolerance, mood swings)

~*~*~*~*~*~

TLDR: Fabian is showing a lot of symptoms of an eating disorder and also over a dozen risk factors. The number of both is substantial enough to see a pattern. Enough that I sincerely hope that it's acknowledged during the season because if Fabian does not have an eating disorder, he is at substantial risk of developing one.

PS: I know it's data heavy, I might have missed a few things, and it could be totally wrong, but I seen enough there that I thought it might make for a solid theory. D20 is no stranger to heavy subjects and I think if they do cover it, they will do a good job (as always). If they don't, I still learned a lot making this theory and maybe a few of you will as well. ^_^

#fantasy high #fabian seacaster #d20 theory #dimension 20 #d20 #theory #tw eating disorder #tw anorexia #tw anxiety mention #tw abuse mention #tw violence mention #tw trauma mention #fantasy high spoilers #tinfoil time

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queengeekrose · 5 years

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My silent struggle

I have a secret. It’s one no one, not even my own family, who lives in the same house with me, has figured out, until very recently when I talked to them and told them, and it’s one I’m not proud of. It’s time I talked about it.

It’s not exactly a secret that I’m overweight. I have been my whole life. I was even a very large newborn. I get it. And with my other health restrictions, I can’t exactly get a lot of exercise or move around a lot. I have never been a gym rat or a fitness queen. Everyone who knows me knows this. Having asthma didn’t help these matters any either -- it’s hard to get excited about trying to do something that makes it hard to breathe. I was also never particularly gifted at most sports or coordinated. Let’s call a spade a spade here. I’m clumsy and some of the other things going on in my life made that worse. Anyway, I’m not athletic. I don’t exercise much. It’s hard for me to lose weight. So I’ve always been called fat or chubby, or tubby, or plump (one of the kinder ones, usually by friends parents), or round, or rolly polly, or chunky, or some other, less than kind way of saying the same thing. I mean ALWAYS. It started when I was three, for fucks sake, going to a storytime at a public library, and other kid asked who the new fat girl was. It beat me down and wore on me, year after year, decade after decade, become an ingrained part of who I was, what made me feel bad about myself in some way.

It’s also not a secret I struggle with major depressive disorder. Or PTSD. Both of them are major factors in my life at this point and getting them diagnosed and starting treatment for them has helped me a lot. I still have bad periods, like I’m going through now, where things just seem like an endless struggle to do the most basic tasks, but I know I can get through this because I have before. My mental health will always be a factor in my life, I suspect, just because I have been through so much, even if the rest of my life were to suddenly be all sweetness and light. Actually, that would probably make me a bit mistrustful too, just because of some of my history, but that’s a story for another time. Today we are focusing on something more important.

Anyway, depression, self-image, a heft dose of self doubt, a smattering of self-hatred for being overweight for so long, and me, listening to some of those voices from my past, telling me I wasn’t worth the effort, the time, the expense, the love, the FOOD, ended with me silently spinning into a cycle of self abuse. At first, it was things like literally picking at scars, cuts, or my skin until I bled, as close to cutting as I ever got. Then, when I realized what I was doing, and I was diagnosed as a diabetic, and was forced to change my diet, I stopped. Diabetics are more prone to getting infections because we heal slower and our body can be more at risk, so I decided it wasn’t worth it. Instead, I decided to make a different change. Now, please, keep in mind, none of this was actually done with me consciously thinking about it. My brain just decided it would be the best way to handle things without me really making a choice that I knew of, other than to alter my diet to eat a more diabetic friendly diet. I thought I was just cutting out sugars and carbs. What I was really doing was starting down a very slippery slope. One I’m still struggling on today, four years later.

The decision to cut carbs and sugar seemed easy for me. I had a lot more willpower than I realized it seemed and suddenly I was just avoiding a lot of foods entirely and my blood sugar came under control in no time flat. It amazed the doctors. They had to take me off ALL the medicines, insulin included, except the very minimal maintenance medicine I still take now. My blood sugars and long term blood sugars (A1C’s) measure more like someone who is not diabetic at all, most of the time, well below 100 daily (and below 5.8 for my A1C). In other words, I no longer needed to maintain that super tight control and even push further. My initial A1C had been very high, partly due to an infection, which as I understand it, often throws your body off, and I didn’t know I was diabetic at the time, so I hadn’t been taking very good care of myself either. Now, I was doing better and going to the doctor, getting things checked, and trying to make a positive, or so I thought, change in my life. I was even losing some weight! That was an unexpected bonus.

Now, as some of you no doubt know, at the same time I was diagnosed diabetic, my legs started giving out on me, due to an unrelated neurological condition. The doctors have spent several years, countless procedures, and innumerable hours looking at me, my medical charts, going over my spine (they did multiple spinal taps and MRI’s), my legs (nerve biopsy, nerve conduction study, and countless tests of every sort imaginable), and even just focusing on my feet. They found that the nerves were dead and dying from the inside out, but couldn’t find the cause (and the way they were dying, perfectly evenly on both legs, was extremely odd). I definitely had something wrong, but they were all stumped. Oh, and I had a VERY severely crushed spine that I hadn’t known about, probably from a car crash many years ago. So I was told I needed to use a wheelchair whenever I was outside the house, so I didn’t fall, and even in the house, I should be careful. My legs can randomly give out on me. This didn’t help my mental well being, as it seemed like the doctors were kind of just giving up on me, saying “Oh, well. Yeah, there’s something wrong, but we don’t know what. Too bad for you. Hope it gets better. We’ll be interested to watch, if you let us.”

That was really the beginning of the dark times in my mental struggles. I became passively suicidal. I stopped eating almost completely and was often nauseous when I did eat. I didn’t realize at the time what that was the beginnings of. What I was starting to struggle with. What I am still, two and a half, nearly three, years later, still struggling daily with. ANOREXIA. To look at me you wouldn’t think I had that problem. I’m still overweight. But here’s the thing, you can’t tell by looking at someone what’s going on in their head, heart, or body, most of the time. I have had several extended family members struggle with anorexia, but I don’t think anyone in our family ever even thought I might be close, even when I said I hadn’t been eating. No one paid attention. I was giving them subtle warning signs, looking back, but the red flags all went unnoticed and flew under the radar. I don’t blame them. It took me a long time to realize I had been doing this to myself.

So now my real work begins. I need to find a way to somehow cope that isn’t so self destructive. Hopefully, this time around things will be a little easier, as far as that goes. Some of my stressors are gone. My life is still rough and rocky, but such is the nature of life. Some people just have more of an uphill battle than others. I just wish mine were less of a mountain to climb at times. And I know some of this is self-inflicted now, but it was never my intention to do this to myself, or to anyone in my family. I now have to try extra hard to remember to eat everyday, and not skip, just because that’s what seems easier, and more what I want to do. I can’t say it felt bad losing over 40 pounds in a year, even without much exercise, but that should have been a clue to everyone too, I think. Even for someone who’s very overweight, that a lot.

Well, I’ve rambled long enough today. I just wanted to get this out here. If anyone is going through something and needs to talk, my DM’s are open, and I do have a Discord. Send me a message and I can send you a link. Depression, mental health, and eating disorders are all heavy stuff, but they need talked about. I’m a firm believer that by keeping this stuff in shadowy back corners, we give it more power. Bringing it into the light helps people and takes the stigma away. It helps more people understand it too. ANY ONE can suffer from an eating disorder. ANY ONE can struggle with mental health. You never know. People wear masks in public to hide their innermost thoughts and feelings, so we don’t know what’s going on inside. Sometimes reaching out is all someone needs. Don’t be afraid to reach out if you need help, or to reach out if you think someone needs it.

Peace Folks. <3

#mental health #eating disorder #talk about it #the strugge is real #breaking the silence

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recover-bee · 5 years

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the thing about recovery

I've always had that thing about the word recovery and what it meant to most, if not all of my therapists.

Recovery was always portraied as the one goal you needed to achieve in order to be done with therapy or to be 'healthy'. But what does healthy in regards to mental health even mean?

I remember that every time I gained weight or had a somewhat normal and healthy eating habit people, including therapists and psychiatrists thought that I was somehow magically healed and good to go, which I wasn't. The problem was that from the outside I appeared healthy but on the inside I was still struggling.

A lot of times I was forced to eat, I didn't have a choice but as soon I was out of hospital I started losing weight again. So during that time I never actually was healthy and I'm still not today.

Mental health starts on the inside and that's why it is so hard for people on the outside to know. I had to start with battling my own beliefs, how I saw myself and find out what was lying underneath my eating disorder before I could start gaining weight on my own.

And even though I'm doing fine regarding my eating disorder I wouldn't consider myself healthy or recovered. There are times when I still hate myself, when I feel fat and ugly and not loved, when I feel like I need to lose weight again. And sometimes I do, I lose a pound or two but I'm able to stop myself and gain those pounds all on my own because I know it is the right thing to do.

And I think that that will never change. I probably won't ever be able to eat like a 'normal' person who never experienced anything like an eating disorder.

While I belive that I will get even better and I will be able to reduce those negative thoughts to a minimum I know that 50 years from now I probably still will struggle with loving myself. There will be times when I will think negative about my self and maybe it will be once a year or even less often but it will happen and I'm okay with that. I can handle it and I feel great thinking about that future.

But still that would mean that I won't ever be able to fully recover from several of my mental disorders and I won't ever be able to consider myself healthy even though those symptoms may not be enough to actually diagnose me with the illnesses I'm diagnosed with now.

I've always found that very discouraging until I started to think about recovery differently.

I like to use metaphors for abstract things and that's what I did with recovery as well. In thought about it a long time and came up with the so called 'road of recovery.

Recovery isn't the end goal, it is the path, the road, the process of getting better. It is a very bumpy road with lots of ups and downs and crossways but it will always continue without the purpose to lead me somewhere specific but to guide me for my entire life.

Before I thought about recovery like that I always hated myself for failing, for relapsing, for going back to old habits. I had the feeling that every time something like that happened I had to start from scratch and that's what made me give up on myself.

After a long time and with a lot of hard work I started to learn that I had to accept those relapses and destructive behaviours while still trying to change them.

In the beginning that seemed to be impossible because I thought by accepting things like that I was encouraging myself to do them ad therefore getting worse and worse.

What helped me in the end was visualising what relapses were on my 'recovery road'. Maybe it's taking a step back or falling down but it does not men leaving that path and no matter how often that happened eventually I would always continue walking that way.

It helped me to forgive myself for what I did all those times and to move on no matter how bad it was.

Let me explain that with he example of self harm. I tried to stop so many times but I did it again and again and every time that happened I gave up and in to the urge to stop trying to stop. I failed so I didn't have to try again cause I would fail again anyways.

The truth is that relapsing doesn't mean that you fail, it is a normal part of recovery.

So every time I self harmed I tried to tell myself that I took a step back but that I was still able to go on walking. It didn't mean that I stopped recovery anymore it just meant that I had to go on trying.

What helped as well was telling myself that my goal wasn't to be healthy forever but to work on standing up after relapses quicker, hating myself less for it, forgiving myself every single time, making the gap between to relapses longer and eventually self harm les often over time, step by step.

Guess what, it kind of worked. I didn't think that I was able to do it myself but today I can say that the last time I hurt myself is almost a year ago even though I think about it more often. And I can even say that I am somewhat proud of myself even though I am not 'healthy'.

I want to encourage you to think about what recovery means to you and what definition of that word will benefit you the most and in the best case ease your personal journey and help you feel the best you can.

And at last I want you to know, that even if it feels like for every step forward you take two backwards doesn't mean that you won't ever get better. I know how fucking hard it is and that you feel like giving up all the time but it is possible. Not gonna lie it needs a lot of work but I know that you can make it through.

I never thought that I would be where I am now. I still feel like shit a lot of the time and I struggle often but I already came so far and I know that I will be able to work through so much more because it is worth it. It's s worth it.

You're worth it!

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uwmadarchives · 5 years

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Student Memory: What It Is & Why It Matters

Rena Yehuda Newman, Student Historian in Residence 2018 - 2019

Black Student Leaders Wahid Rashad, Harvey Clay, and others at Rally During UW Black Student Strike, February 1969

A song to listen to as you read: Archive, by Mal Blum

Student memory is a constant struggle. This is an axiom that every student organizer or worker knows intuitively. On college campuses, every four or five years means a complete turnover of knowledge. There is only a brief window for continuity. So, what does it mean to pass down memory in a place with such a transient population?

As a student historian, I’ve been researching the student activism of the 1960s Vietnam War era on UW-Madison’s campus. But there are significant gaps in the collections, namely, the voices of the student organizers who led the most major protest movements of their time, like the Black Student Strike. While it’s a relatively new phenomenon for archives to serve communities rather than powerful institutions, the same problem seems to be happening continually -- no one is documenting the campus activism of 2019.

Not only does this mean the erasure of student history, but also the continued forgetting of modern student memory, leaving each successive generation of students without context. This causes major problems for students engaged in social issues and policy change. Without memory of previous happenings and student-led initiatives, ideas and already-fought battles, students are at a severe disadvantage. Tireless hours by student activists can be undone. And if each year brings new amnesia, momentum is irrecoverably lost.

With this in mind, we have to ask: Who benefits from forgetting?

In my time as a student organizer, activism for or against new policies often feels like a race against the clock. I’ve heard time and time again that the administration and board of regents relishes a certain temporal safety. However awful a policy, however bad the student backlash, they can just wait it out until no student on campus remembers the time before. Those in power always benefit from public forgetting.

For example, in 2017 - 2018, University Housing unleashed a new mandatory meal plan without the input or consent of the student body, requiring all first years living in residential housing to pay an additional $1400 into WiscCard accounts, to be used exclusively for eating at the dining halls. This policy directly harmed low income students, students with eating disorders and dietary restrictions, and impacted students’ right to choose where and how they eat on campus. Major protests ensued all of last year, including an hour-long shutdown of UW’s most major dining hall. But many incoming freshman have no idea this policy is new, or that their fellow students spent countless hours fighting for an opt-out. Without a sense of memory, the student body is ill-equipped to advocate for itself and address harms they may experience but never be aware of.

Another example: in 2017, Governor Scott Walker tried to slash students’ ability to self-tax through allocable segregated fees, which would have effectively killed all of UW-Madison’s most major student organizations, many of which offer vital services for students like the Rape Crisis Center or the campus food pantry, The Open Seat. Students fought and won against this policy proposal, but the same issue could arise again. If students don’t know about this history of advocacy, the next time segregated fees are attacked, those future students will be forced to reinvent the wheel.

I want to bring together these two strands of maintaining student memory and recording student history. It seems that they are heavily dependent on each other -- if new students are given a sense of memory, “caught up to speed” with previous events on campus, all students benefit. I’m going to spend this spring collecting student materials to fill in the gaps. But I can’t do it alone, especially because as a white student, many of these are not my stories to tell.

We have so much to gain from remembering.

How should a student body organize against collective amensia?

Last week I presented to Associated Students of Madison (ASM), the UW-Madison student government about maintaining student memory. I believe student government can have an important role to play in creating workshops, sessions, and publications to educate students about their own past. Student government might also take it upon itself to do documentation work, creating folders full of posters and graphics and materials from recent organizing movements, especially on campuses where there isn’t a paid student historian to do this labor.

But this kind of documentation should happen at a grassroots level beyond student government. Student institutions and organizations have important roles to play, but are not representative. All students, especially students of marginalized identities, should keep records of themselves, write about their experiences, compile the materials of daily life and continuous struggle present in their time on campus. Creating “Disorientation Guides” to give to new students is useful. Though an individualist and professional culture usually means hoarding credit, fight back against this impulse by saying the names of fellow students and organizers who have also done the work. Create a folder on your computer of screenshots, receipts. Leave citations, make a record.

Collect for the future and fine ways to revive the past. Take opportunities in classes to research local historical student issues. Go dig around in your university’s archives. Ask for the wisdom of elders who have been around for a while. Tell the stories you learn, especially the stories that give you hope or create resilience in you -- make art about them, publish zines about them. Keep it alive.

Memory is protection against erasure. People and institutions of power will not record our stories, but we can. Create your files, archive your experiences. Make memory out of story then find a way to tell it. If you trust them, donate your materials to your local archive, especially university archvies. If you don’t, make your own. Either way, write it down. Collect it.

To all student activists engaged in the struggle: In fifty years, there may be a student wondering what their campus did during Trump Era America. Don’t let that story be written for you. Pick up your pen, fill up your boxes.

You are a historical subject, act like it.

- Rena Yehuda Newman (They/Them)

#student #activism #organizing #archive #memory #remember #history #student history #student memory #documentation #my archives #archives #student government #campus

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thebibliosphere · 6 years

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pardon my intrusion, this may be a somewhat personal question and it's fine to toss it out. in your experience, are there any particular "red flags" to suggest something may be an autoimmune disease as opposed to, say, something neurological, psychosomatic, or a conglomeration of discrete misfortunes? (real unfortunate planning that discrete and discreet seem basically interchangeable in spelling but not in meaning) thx

The problem a lot of us face when first trying to get a diagnosis for autoimmune stuff, is that so much of it resembles things either pertaining to mental health, or sometimes, as you say, a conglomeration of misfortunes.

I’ve mentioned a couple of times, how common it is for women initially entering the early stages of MS, to be misdiagnosed with conversion disorder (source) and how conversion disorder has become the sort of catchall as the modern version of hysteria (which is wrong, because conversion disorder is real, and can affect people badly, but it should not be the first thing a doctor leaps to when your patient shows up with strange new problems you can’t explain with a single glance at their chart).

For 20+ years, my red meat allergy was considered to be a form of neurosis linked to subconscious bulimia. I was actually hospitalized for this as a teen against my will, despite fitting no other categories for bulimia beyond the fact that I’d throw up after eating.

No one ever once questioned that what was happening to me wasn’t mental, not even my parents. I spent a long time protesting it, only to be told there was no way my actual food could be making me ill, it was all in my head.

Fast forward to my 30s, with severe damage done to my body—so much so that I might as well have had bulimia the whole time—and we found out, oh, wait... turns out it wasn’t “all in my head”, as my previous doctor had been oh so fond of saying.

The same has been somewhat true of my chronic pain. My current PCP was all too happy to diagnose my chronic pain as a side effect of depression. My chiropractor disagreed, as did my physio, and then low and behold I get to see someone who specializes in rehab for chronic pain and it turns out I had sublaxation of the pelvis, the ribs and the cervical vertebrae, likely caused by a car crash from ten years ago that had just been getting worse this whole time. Who knew? None of my doctors did ... I just needed to exercise more and take some anti-depressants. (If you can hear a faint sizzling sound don’t worry, it’s just my rage simmering away under the surface.)

So if doctors don’t know all the red flags to look for... how in the hell is anyone else? (This is not always because they don’t care, but because it is not in their area of expertise. I’ve had doctors who flat out told me "this isn’t my wheelhouse, you need to find someone else”, which I’d rather they did than ask me how my anxiety is doing and if I’d like a xanax, which tends to be what happens more often than actual help.)

Basically, I will tell you what I am pretty certain has saved my life at this point: trust your body. You know it better than anyone else, and if weird shit starts going on and it persists despite life style changes (which is always the first thing a GP will recommend, perhaps along with running basic blood tests), and it feels like no one is listening to you, find someone who will.

It’s also not a bad idea to combine this with therapy regardless, because going through auto-immune/health stuff in general is traumatic in of itself.

If you want to narrow the field on blood tests, there’s a test they can run to check for general inflammation...which if I look at my files are, Erythrocyte sedimentation rate (ESR), C-reactive protein (CRP). I think CRP is the one they check to see if certain diseases might be present if a specific protein is too high...but I’d need to read up on it again to make sure. Anyway, it’s useful to check if you suspect your have some sort of auto-immune flare.

It took me over 20 years to finally start getting medical help, the last 5 of which have been spent fighting an uphill battle with doctors who keep insisting XYZ medication should make ZYX symptoms stop, and if they don’t well it must be conversion disorder. But then I’ve pushed a little harder, and finally get to see that other expert and hey, what do you know... I’m not nuts.

Well, I am. But that’s not the cause of my body falling apart, just a mere side show to the main event.

I’m sorry I can’t offer anything better or more concise than that. I wish I could. But please, if you feel like something is going on, do try and get it checked out. And if they run tests and nothing shows up and you go to therapy and it gets better? That’s still a worthwhile thing to have.

#chronic health tag #personal #medical abuse #let me know if you need something tagged #cesium-sheep

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radiumeater · 5 years

Link

Alcoholics Anonymous is famously difficult to study. By necessity, it keeps no records of who attends meetings; members come and go and are, of course, anonymous. No conclusive data exist on how well it works. In 2006, the Cochrane Collaboration, a health-care research group, reviewed studies going back to the 1960s and found that “no experimental studies unequivocally demonstrated the effectiveness of AA or [12-step] approaches for reducing alcohol dependence or problems.”

The Big Book includes an assertion first made in the second edition, which was published in 1955: that AA has worked for 75 percent of people who have gone to meetings and “really tried.” It says that 50 percent got sober right away, and another 25 percent struggled for a while but eventually recovered. According to AA, these figures are based on members’ experiences.

In his recent book, The Sober Truth: Debunking the Bad Science Behind 12-Step Programs and the Rehab Industry, Lance Dodes, a retired psychiatry professor from Harvard Medical School, looked at Alcoholics Anonymous’s retention rates along with studies on sobriety and rates of active involvement (attending meetings regularly and working the program) among AA members. Based on these data, he put AA’s actual success rate somewhere between 5 and 8 percent. That is just a rough estimate, but it’s the most precise one I’ve been able to find.

I spent three years researching a book about women and alcohol, Her Best-Kept Secret: Why Women Drink—And How They Can Regain Control, which was published in 2013. During that time, I encountered disbelief from doctors and psychiatrists every time I mentioned that the Alcoholics Anonymous success rate appears to hover in the single digits. We’ve grown so accustomed to testimonials from those who say AA saved their life that we take the program’s efficacy as an article of faith. Rarely do we hear from those for whom 12-step treatment doesn’t work. But think about it: How many celebrities can you name who bounced in and out of rehab without ever getting better? Why do we assume they failed the program, rather than that the program failed them?

When my book came out, dozens of Alcoholics Anonymous members said that because I had challenged AA’s claim of a 75 percent success rate, I would hurt or even kill people by discouraging attendance at meetings. A few insisted that I must be an “alcoholic in denial.” But most of the people I heard from were desperate to tell me about their experiences in the American treatment industry. Amy Lee Coy, the author of the memoir From Death Do I Part: How I Freed Myself From Addiction, told me about her eight trips to rehab, starting at age 13. “It’s like getting the same antibiotic for a resistant infection—eight times,” she told me. “Does that make sense?”

She and countless others had put their faith in a system they had been led to believe was effective—even though finding treatment centers’ success rates is next to impossible: facilities rarely publish their data or even track their patients after discharging them. “Many will tell you that those who complete the program have a ‘great success rate,’ meaning that most are abstaining from drugs and alcohol while enrolled there,” says Bankole Johnson, an alcohol researcher and the chair of the psychiatry department at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. “Well, no kidding.”

[...]

AA truisms have so infiltrated our culture that many people believe heavy drinkers cannot recover before they “hit bottom.” Researchers I’ve talked with say that’s akin to offering antidepressants only to those who have attempted suicide, or prescribing insulin only after a patient has lapsed into a diabetic coma. “You might as well tell a guy who weighs 250 pounds and has untreated hypertension and cholesterol of 300, ‘Don’t exercise, keep eating fast food, and we’ll give you a triple bypass when you have a heart attack,’ ” Mark Willenbring, a psychiatrist in St. Paul and a former director of treatment and recovery research at the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, told me. He threw up his hands. “Absurd.”

Part of the problem is our one-size-fits-all approach. Alcoholics Anonymous was originally intended for chronic, severe drinkers—those who may, indeed, be powerless over alcohol—but its program has since been applied much more broadly. Today, for instance, judges routinely require people to attend meetings after a DUI arrest; fully 12 percent of AA members are there by court order.

Whereas AA teaches that alcoholism is a progressive disease that follows an inevitable trajectory, data from a federally funded survey called the National Epidemiological Survey on Alcohol and Related Conditions show that nearly one-fifth of those who have had alcohol dependence go on to drink at low-risk levels with no symptoms of abuse. And a recent survey of nearly 140,000 adults by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention found that nine out of 10 heavy drinkers are not dependent on alcohol and, with the help of a medical professional’s brief intervention, can change unhealthy habits. We once thought about drinking problems in binary terms—you either had control or you didn’t; you were an alcoholic or you weren’t—but experts now describe a spectrum. An estimated 18 million Americans suffer from alcohol-use disorder, as the DSM-5, the latest edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s diagnostic manual, calls it. (The new term replaces the older alcohol abuse and the much more dated alcoholism, which has been out of favor with researchers for decades.) Only about 15 percent of those with alcohol-use disorder are at the severe end of the spectrum. The rest fall somewhere in the mild-to-moderate range, but they have been largely ignored by researchers and clinicians. Both groups—the hard-core abusers and the more moderate overdrinkers—need more-individualized treatment options. The United States already spends about $35 billion a year on alcohol- and substance-abuse treatment, yet heavy drinking causes 88,000 deaths a year—including deaths from car accidents and diseases linked to alcohol. It also costs the country hundreds of billions of dollars in expenses related to health care, criminal justice, motor-vehicle crashes, and lost workplace productivity, according to the CDC. With the Affordable Care Act’s expansion of coverage, it’s time to ask some important questions: Which treatments should we be willing to pay for? Have they been proved effective? And for whom—only those at the extreme end of the spectrum? Or also those in the vast, long-overlooked middle? For a glimpse of how treatment works elsewhere, I traveled to Finland, a country that shares with the United States a history of prohibition (inspired by the American temperance movement, the Finns outlawed alcohol from 1919 to 1932) and a culture of heavy drinking. Finland’s treatment model is based in large part on the work of an American neuroscientist named John David Sinclair. I met with Sinclair in Helsinki in early July. He was battling late-stage prostate cancer, and his thick white hair was cropped short in preparation for chemotherapy. Sinclair has researched alcohol’s effects on the brain since his days as an undergraduate at the University of Cincinnati, where he experimented with rats that had been given alcohol for an extended period. Sinclair expected that after several weeks without booze, the rats would lose their desire for it. Instead, when he gave them alcohol again, they went on week-long benders, drinking far more than they ever had before—more, he says, than any rat had ever been shown to drink. Sinclair called this the alcohol-deprivation effect, and his laboratory results, which have since been confirmed by many other studies, suggested a fundamental flaw in abstinence-based treatment: going cold turkey only intensifies cravings. This discovery helped explain why relapses are common. Sinclair published his findings in a handful of journals and in the early 1970s moved to Finland, drawn by the chance to work in what he considered the best alcohol-research lab in the world, complete with special rats that had been bred to prefer alcohol to water. He spent the next decade researching alcohol and the brain.Sinclair came to believe that people develop drinking problems through a chemical process: each time they drink, the endorphins released in the brain strengthen certain synapses. The stronger these synapses grow, the more likely the person is to think about, and eventually crave, alcohol—until almost anything can trigger a thirst for booze, and drinking becomes compulsive. Sinclair theorized that if you could stop the endorphins from reaching their target, the brain’s opiate receptors, you could gradually weaken the synapses, and the cravings would subside. To test this hypothesis, he administered opioid antagonists—drugs that block opiate receptors—to the specially bred alcohol-loving rats. He found that if the rats took the medication each time they were given alcohol, they gradually drank less and less. He published his findings in peer-reviewed journals beginning in the 1980s. Subsequent studies found that an opioid antagonist called naltrexone was safe and effective for humans, and Sinclair began working with clinicians in Finland. He suggested prescribing naltrexone for patients to take an hour before drinking. As their cravings subsided, they could then learn to control their consumption. Numerous clinical trials have confirmed that the method is effective, and in 2001 Sinclair published a paper in the journal Alcohol and Alcoholism reporting a 78 percent success rate in helping patients reduce their drinking to about 10 drinks a week. Some stopped drinking entirely.I visited one of three private treatment centers, called the Contral Clinics, that Sinclair co-founded in Finland. (There’s an additional one in Spain.) In the past 18 years, more than 5,000 Finns have gone to the Contral Clinics for help with a drinking problem. Seventy-five percent of them have had success reducing their consumption to a safe level. [...] In the United States, doctors generally prescribe naltrexone for daily use and tell patients to avoid alcohol, instead of instructing them to take the drug anytime they plan to drink, as Sinclair would advise. There is disagreement among experts about which approach is better—Sinclair is adamant that American doctors are missing the drug’s full potential—but both seem to work: naltrexone has been found to reduce drinking in more than a dozen clinical trials, including a large-scale one funded by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism that was published in JAMA in 2006. The results have been largely overlooked. Less than 1 percent of people treated for alcohol problems in the United States are prescribed naltrexone or any other drug shown to help control drinking. To understand why, you have to first understand the history. The American approach to treatment for drinking problems has roots in the country’s long-standing love-hate relationship with booze. The first settlers arrived with a great thirst for whiskey and hard cider, and in the early days of the republic, alcohol was one of the few beverages that was reliably safe from contamination. (It was also cheaper than coffee or tea.) The historian W. J. Rorabaugh has estimated that between the 1770s and 1830s, the average American over age 15 consumed at least five gallons of pure alcohol a year—the rough equivalent of three shots of hard liquor a day. Religious fervor, aided by the introduction of public water-filtration systems, helped galvanize the temperance movement, which culminated in 1920 with Prohibition. That experiment ended after 14 years, but the drinking culture it fostered—secrecy and frenzied bingeing—persists.In 1934, just after Prohibition’s repeal, a failed stockbroker named Bill Wilson staggered into a Manhattan hospital. Wilson was known to drink two quarts of whiskey a day, a habit he’d attempted to kick many times. He was given the hallucinogen belladonna, an experimental treatment for addictions, and from his hospital bed he called out to God to loosen alcohol’s grip. He reported seeing a flash of light and feeling a serenity he had never before experienced. He quit booze for good. The next year, he co-founded Alcoholics Anonymous. He based its principles on the beliefs of the evangelical Oxford Group, which taught that people were sinners who, through confession and God’s help, could right their paths. AA filled a vacuum in the medical world, which at the time had few answers for heavy drinkers. In 1956, the American Medical Association named alcoholism a disease, but doctors continued to offer little beyond the standard treatment that had been around for decades: detoxification in state psychiatric wards or private sanatoriums. As Alcoholics Anonymous grew, hospitals began creating “alcoholism wards,” where patients detoxed but were given no other medical treatment. Instead, AA members—who, as part of the 12 steps, pledge to help other alcoholics—appeared at bedsides and invited the newly sober to meetings. A public-relations specialist and early AA member named Marty Mann worked to disseminate the group’s main tenet: that alcoholics had an illness that rendered them powerless over booze. Their drinking was a disease, in other words, not a moral failing. Paradoxically, the prescription for this medical condition was a set of spiritual steps that required accepting a higher power, taking a “fearless moral inventory,” admitting “the exact nature of our wrongs,” and asking God to remove all character defects. Mann helped ensure that these ideas made their way to Hollywood. In 1945’s The Lost Weekend, a struggling novelist tries to loosen his writer’s block with booze, to devastating effect. In Days of Wine and Roses, released in 1962, Jack Lemmon slides into alcoholism along with his wife, played by Lee Remick. He finds help through AA, but she rejects the group and loses her family. Mann also collaborated with a physiologist named E. M. Jellinek. Mann was eager to bolster the scientific claims behind AA, and Jellinek wanted to make a name for himself in the growing field of alcohol research. In 1946, Jellinek published the results of a survey mailed to 1,600 AA members. Only 158 were returned. Jellinek and Mann jettisoned 45 that had been improperly completed and another 15 filled out by women, whose responses were so unlike the men’s that they risked complicating the results. From this small sample—98 men—Jellinek drew sweeping conclusions about the “phases of alcoholism,” which included an unavoidable succession of binges that led to blackouts, “indefinable fears,” and hitting bottom. Though the paper was filled with caveats about its lack of scientific rigor, it became AA gospel. Jellinek, however, later tried to distance himself from this work, and from Alcoholics Anonymous. His ideas came to be illustrated by a chart showing how alcoholics progressed from occasionally drinking for relief, to sneaking drinks, to guilt, and so on until they hit bottom (“complete defeat admitted”) and then recovered. If you could locate yourself even early in the downward trajectory on that curve, you could see where your drinking was headed. In 1952, Jellinek noted that the word alcoholic had been adopted to describe anyone who drank excessively. He warned that overuse of that word would undermine the disease concept. He later beseeched AA to stay out of the way of scientists trying to do objective research. [...] As the rehab industry began expanding in the 1970s, its profit motives dovetailed nicely with AA’s view that counseling could be delivered by people who had themselves struggled with addiction, rather than by highly trained (and highly paid) doctors and mental-health professionals. No other area of medicine or counseling makes such allowances. There is no mandatory national certification exam for addiction counselors. The 2012 Columbia University report on addiction medicine found that only six states required alcohol- and substance-abuse counselors to have at least a bachelor’s degree and that only one state, Vermont, required a master’s degree. Fourteen states had no license requirements whatsoever—not even a GED or an introductory training course was necessary—and yet counselors are often called on by the judicial system and medical boards to give expert opinions on their clients’ prospects for recovery. Mark Willenbring, the St. Paul psychiatrist, winced when I mentioned this. “What’s wrong,” he asked me rhetorically, “with people with no qualifications or talents—other than being recovering alcoholics—being licensed as professionals with decision-making authority over whether you are imprisoned or lose your medical license?

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acaddicts · 6 years

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Meet your Admins!

**Not all admins are pictured above**

>Click their title/name to see their posts on our page<

Head Admin: @sunflowercrosser

Name: Amy-Louise

Nickname: Ames, Amylou, "Queen"

Age: 20 Birthday: 24th November Timezone: BST (GMT in Winter) • Best Available: after 5pm Fave Villager/NPC: Rosie|Phylis Fave AC Game: New Leaf About Me: I am a full time carer at the moment. Originally a secretary. I have a puppy called Sox. I am a devoted auntie, and love spending time with my family. Originally from Northern Ireland. Suffer with several chronic illnesses.

Co-Head Admin:

🌿 Name: Eliana 💕 ✨ Nickname: Eli, El 🌿 Age: 18 😱 ✨ Birthday: July 2nd 🌿 Timezone: EST (I think EDT in winter??) ✨ Best Availability: I’m active 90% of the time if I’m not in school or at work 🌿 Fave Villager/NPC: L O B O npc is Sable ✨ Fave AC Game: Honestly New Leaf it’s really great 🌿 A little about you: I am a mother to a chinchilla, I like to play guitar, I’m a huge sims fan, did I mention my chinchilla? And I love everyone here so much💕

Head Artist:

• Name : Cynthia • Nickname : Anakya • Age : 23 • Birthday : February 5 • Timezone : Est • Best Availability : Night • Fave Villager/NPC : Spork • Fave AC Game : New Leaf • A little about you : Im Canadian french. Im a big fan of plushies I think I have an obsession with plushes. Im a big gamer, if I have some free times im probably drawing or playing pc or ps4.

Head Security: @wickedwitchofacnl

• Name: Michelle • Nickname: Mish, mama Mish • Age: 24 • Birthday: October 1st • Timezone: EST • Best Availability: Pretty much at any time, except between midnight and 7 AM • Fave Villager/NPC: Skye • Fave AC Game: ACNL • A little about you: I am a mom of 2.5, I like to be outside and write. I hope one day to become an L&D nurse, or maybe an OBGYN. I love to read and my favorite animal is a penguin.

Co Head Security:

- Jessica - Jess - 19 - 24/09/98 - probably best available in the evening time or late afternoon or weekend mornings (or day cause I'm allowed on my phone at work ) - UK time zone (can never remember proper name lmao) - Benjamin has been my fave for about 5 months but it always changes 😂 - new leaf probably I've spent the most time on it - uh I'm pretty sure you all know me by now, but I have a cat called Murphy who is my fave boi, my created gecko called morph and two fish called tipp and ponyo.. and broccoli is my fave vegetable could eat it all the time 🍒

Head Hacker:

- Candyce - Candy - 17 - January 16, 2001 - Central (USA) - It differs, but usually at night - I love Pudge :) - City Folk - I love cats, plan on becoming a graphic designer, work at a bubble tea shop, and I have celiac, body dysphoria, and lots of anxiety disorders. I've fully recovered from depression and mostly from my eating disorder (it turned into the dysphoria). I'm in a long distance relationship of 4 years and I like to play Wizard101

Co-Head Hacker: @ladykayacnl

• Name - Kayla • Nickname - Kay, Kaylala, Layla, Kayduhx • Age - 27 • Birthday - September 11 • Timezone - Central • Best Availability - All day • Fave Villager/NPC - Cookie! <3 • Fave AC Game - New Leaf :) • A little about you -I've been married for 8 years and I have 5 kids! I'm an Air Force Veteran :). I love tattoos, music, anime, reading, coffee, and helping people! I suffer from resting bitch face, PTSD, and anxiety. I'm generally really nice until someone messes with my family (both IRL and my Addicts family <3).

Head Services Admin: @chibi-bat

Name: Keisha

Nickname:Red 🦇 Age: 24 💜 Birthday: July 20th 🦇 Timezone: PST 💜 Best Availability: Anytime 🦇 Favorite Villager: Gayle & Lucky 💜 Favorite AC Game: New Leaf 🦇 A Little About Me: I am a natural redhead, a mother of 2 boys and have been with my soul mate for 7 years. (We are officially getting married October 27, 2018) We also have a Jack Russell called Kaia. I love video games, am currently obsessed with Paladins & Overwatch. My dream is to become a published author! I am obsessed with bats, foxes, and all things spooky. My favorite time of the year is fall and I love when it rains. 🎃

Head Landscaper:

🌸 Name • Laird Deanna 🌸 Nickname • Marshmallow Melli (Long story) 🌸 Age • 27 🌸 Birthday • 3rd April 1991 🌸 Timezone • GMT 🌸 Best Availability • Evenings and late nights. 🌸 Fave Villager/NPC • Stitches and Sable 🌸 Fave AC Game • New Leaf by far 🌸 A little about you • I come from one of the largest clans in Scotland and proud of it. I also followed in my families footsteps and am a trained seamstress. I make a lot of clothes for myself, headbands, turn up trousers so they don't drag on the floor cuz I'm a short ass, even made a couple of quilts in my time (currently planning another one)

Co-Head Landscaper:

• Name - Stephanie • Nickname - Don’t really have one but I dislike being called Steph! • Age - 27 • Birthday - January 14th • Timezone - CST • Best Availability - Evenings/Nights/Weekends • Fave Villager/NPC - Ankha & Labelle • Fave AC Game - New Leaf 🍃 • A little about you - I’m a pharmacy technician, licensed esthetician and video game addict. I loooooove cats and baking is my favorite hobby besides ACNL 😍😝

Mods

Alanys. 🌌Nickname: Ally or Marie. 💜 🌠Age: 16. 🌌Birthday: October 18th. 🎃 🌠Timezone: AST. 🌌Availability: 3:30 pm to 10:30pm on weekdays, 12:00pm to around 3:00am on weekends. 🌠Fave villagers/npc: Marshal, Merengue, Étoile (even though I'll never get her card 😥😭) and Resetti. 🌌Fave ac game: New leaf. 🍃 🌠A little about me: I'm from Puerto Rico, I speak spanish and love to teach people about it if they ask, I'm going to uni next year and I absolutely want to be a psychologist. I love to help people and hear a thank you, and for some reason I like to hold doors open for everyone. 😂 I love to read about anything Greek mythology, and sometimes I create my own characters based on it. 🏛 My fav games are Resident Evil 4, Metal Gear Solid, God Of War, Danganronpa and two games on my phone called Mystic Messenger and DBZ Dokkan Battle. My fav food is pasta! 🍝 I hate coffee, but I love hot chocolate, and I have a thing for strawberries, strawberry frappes/smoothies and strawberry popsicles. 🍓 I love spending time with my bf and my mom, mostly when I acompany her to go shopping or help her cook! I like watching cooking videos even though I can burn water. 😂 Other than my main hobbies, I like to read/write fanfics, look at memes, listen to music, dance, and play with babies and animals. 💕 Used to want to be a part time babysitter too haha! 💜 And I also love anything related to the galaxy. 🌌💕

Andrea Nickname🌻 •Andi Age🌼 •19 Birthday💫 •30.12.98 Time zone✨ •UTC + 2 Best availability⚡️ •Depends, but normally 12 pm - 8 pm Fave villager/NPC🌷 •Bob is by far my favourite villager! He is my baby. My favourite NPC would be Isabelle, she’s so sweet. Fave AC game🌟 •New Leaf A little about me😸 I love cats. Almost everything I own is cat related. I currently work in a kindergarten (whenever someone is sick I come in), but my dream is to become a dementia nurse. I’m engaged and we live together in a small apartment in Northern Norway. I struggle with my mental health, but I try my best to beat it and do my best to help out in our lovely group. When I don’t play AC or do admin stuff I play other games (Skyrim, Pokèmon) or watch Netflix😎

Ashleigh

🌺 Nickname: Ash 💖Age: 23 🌺Birthday: 19/12 💖Timezone: ACDT 🌺Best Availability: Anytime 💖Fave Villager/NPC: Bluebear 🌺Fave AC Game: New Leaf 💖A little about you: Other than ACNL, I love playing Sims 4 and Pokemon. My favourite Pokemon happens to be lucario.

Ava

🌈Nickname: Vee 🌺Age: 15 (Mentally 5) 🌈Birthday: January 1, 2003 🌺Timezone: CDT (CST during winter) 🌈Best Availability: I’m available about 70% of the time when I’m not in school 🌺Fave Villager/NPC: Favorite villager is Bob (we share the same birthday!) and my favorite NPC is Isabelle 🌈Fave AC Game: New Leaf 🌺A little about me: Starting in September, I will be a sophomore in high school. I suffer from depression and anxiety. I’m in a very unhealthy relationship with my boyfriend but I’m staying in it anyway because I find it too hard to break up with him. My parents are divorced, so I live with my mom until I am old enough to legally move out, but that doesn’t bother me since I get to live with my three year old sister (I swear she’s the most adorable thing ever) and I’m looking forward to having a baby brother sometime near September! I love video games (but nothing can beat Animal Crossing, in my opinion). I also love hanging with friends, reading, and coffee! And of course, the Addicts family❤️

Berkeley

• Nickname: Borkeley, Jo • Age: 23 • Birthday:June 28th, I'm a cancer! • Timezone: EST • Best Availability: Anytime really. • Fave Villager/NPC: Lily + Sable • Fave AC Game: New Leaf or Population Growing • A little about you: I'm a married cat mom, I'm a twitch streamer + i love Gavin Free. Thats about it!

Christina

• Nickname - Chriss or Vicko • Age - 21 • Birthday - July 24th • Timezone - UTC - 6 CST • Best Availability - Mornings and at night • Fave Villager/NPC - For NPC's, Kapp'n and the Porter, for villagers uff I have lots but specially, Molly and Muffy 　. • Fave AC Game - New leaf • A little about you - I love potatoes, anime and manga :3 , also I'm a student from college, I love doing pics editions, draws and such, so if you guys ever need help with thigns related to this, you now know who to call ;) I also can give spanish classes 😝

Emma • Nickname: I don’t really have one but if you call me Em I’m fine with that! • Age: 24 • Birthday: 16th of December • Timezone: PST • Best Availability: Evenings, nights, and weekends • Fave Villager/NPC: Tex and Lottie! • Fave AC Game: New Leaf 😍 • A little about you: I’m a substitute teacher and I’m in the process of going back to school to get my teaching degree! I hope to be an English teacher at either a middle school or a high school. I love reading and writing and I’m really passionate about sleeping 😂

Hanna Nickname: none Age: 22 Birthday: 4th August 1996 Timezone: GMT (Germany) Best Availability: most of the time, but the highest chance is in the evening Fave villager/NPC: Colton, Lobo Fave Ac Game: New Leaf A little about you: My AC passion started with ACWW and I also love Pokémon (Eevee is my fav) and other RPGs like Skyrim and Fallout. I also love my pets (I have a lot^^), reading books and draw some stuff. I’m a student and study the science of language and and literature (but mostly german literature).

Hannah 👑 Nickname: Han 👑 Age: 24 👑 Birthday: Feb 7th 👑 Timezone: GMT/BST 👑 Best Availability: Evenings and Weekends 👑 Fave Villager/NPC: Chrissy & Cookie, Celeste 👑 Fave AC Game: New Leaf 👑 A little about you: My favourite Pokemon has always been and will always be Vulpix, so when Alolan Vulpix was revealed I lost my shit. I have anime, I write fanfiction, I write stories and edit for a living, I play a lot of other games like League of Legends, World of Warcraft, Persona, Bloodborne - you name it I've probably played it, I love sunflowers and roses, Sailor Moon is my life and aesthetic forever, and finally, I have three cats <3

Jennifer • Nickname: Jen or Jenny • Age: 21 • Birthday: February 9th • Timezone: UK, GMT • Best Availability: Late night • Fave Villager/NPC : Whitney and Skye • Fave AC Game : New leaf • A little about you I work in retail maybe 2 days a week, I love animals, Disney, games, drawing, reading and writing. Im self teaching guitar and writing songs as a hobby. Tryng to be a vegetarian which is going well, haven't ate meat in a week, yay. The tv shows I like vary in type, I like: The walking daed, Once upon a time and A series of unfortunate events. Movies I like are mostly Disney , the lion king most of all. I also love animals , especially my dog Amber. I do hope to run my own business to rehalibitate pets and wild animals to find homes and re release the healed ones back into the wild. I also appreciate kind and loyal people 💜

Mollie 💖 Nickname: MolflakeMagic (my main gamer tag & online name) 💚 Age: 19 💖 Birthday: December 1st 💚 Timezone: GMT / BST (UK) 💖 Best Availability: Currently Afternoons through to Night unless I'm with family or my boyfriend :3 💚 Fave Villager / NPC: Goldie!! 😍😊 💖 Fave AC Game: Animal Crossing City Folk 😍😊 💚 A little about me: I'm generally very goofy and always looking to make people laugh and smile. I'm currently preparing to move to Nottingham to study at University in September, so essentially preparing to be an official adulty adult xD I play lots of League in my spare time but also love to design on New Leaf, and I'm currently working on completing all the collections for the museum. I also love to dance and I'm also currently starting to learn Japanese :3 When not with my goofball boyfriend or at home, you can usually find me at my grandparents with my doggy Poppy 😍😊

Panyia 🎀 Nickname: Pan/Panini/Pancakes 🎀 Age: 20 🎀 Birthday: Feb. 16th 🎀 Timezone: PST (soon to be HST) 🎀 Best Availability: Depends, usually 12pm - 10 pm 🎀 Fave Villager/NPC: Coco/Celeste 🎀 Fave AC Game: New Leaf 🎀 A little about you: I’m soon-to-be engaged, going to be moving in with my partner very soon. Im usually playing any Harvest Moon game series when I’m not playing AC and helping out with the group. I’ve played other games but it’s too many to name lol. I love watching anime too! They all help me with my mental health and depression, which I try not to let them get to me when I’m helping out with our group ❤️

Ruth 🌸Age: 21 🌸Birthday: 25th December 🌸Timezone: BST/GMT 🌸Best Availability: Usually evenings or any day that I’m off work 🌸Fave villager/NPC: Apple and my fave npc is Kicks ❤️ 🌸Fave AC Game: New Leaf 🌸 A Little about me: I have lived in the south west part of the uk all of my life with my parents and older brother. I love cats so much, I used to have a black cat called Twinkle but he was very ill and passed away from a heart murmur at only 7 years old. I now have a calico called Poppy who I love very much ❤️ I have suffered from anxiety and depression, with the occasional severe migraine (to the point I passed out) since 2013 (but thank goodness I’m nowhere near as bad now) I also love an incredible KPop band called BTS (you may have heard me talk about them already 😛) and playing games like Animal Crossing and Zelda ❤️ Sorry I’m rambling now 😂😂

#admin list #admins #adminlist #acnladdicts #acaddicts

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