Is anyone getting likes from random people you’ve never interacted with? I mean if it’s just someone browsing profiles I get it but 3 “likes” from three different strangers in one day. I can’t tell if they’re bots or real people.

Nothing is ever easy. New roommate back out. I knew this was going to happen when she wasn’t responding to me. It’s about her concern with her own finances but of course she didn’t say anything about it until less than a week to our move in date (May 1st). And since it’s 9pm on Thursday night I have 5 days to find a roommate. All is not lost. I have until June 5th to get out of my current place. I might just end up staying here for another month while I look for a roommate. However, everything is set up for me to move on May 1st. I’m taking PTO May 1st, 2nd, and 3rd. My brother is also taking May 1st off to help me move. My current landlord has based his plans off of me leaving on May 1st. My new landlords have had my new place painted, the carpets cleaned and everything is fixed up for me to move in on May 1st.

And here we are. Like I said, nothing ever comes easy.

Why do I feel so sad? I’m not even sad about anything in particular. I thought I’d go home and finish my work where there is no interruptions but now I’m wondering if that would be worse. I do not like this feeling. I took the increased dose this morning. Please, please work quickly. I didn’t even realize I was feeling better and now that the “feeling better” feeling isn’t there I want it back asap. Why did I think adjusting things would be okay?😔

TW: food, weight loss, diet culture, ED update.

I haven’t talked about this for awhile on here because, honestly, I’ve told no one. This first time I’m saying anything.

I have talked about how my weight has skyrocketed beyond anything I could ever imagine and I’ve been completely powerless to change it. I’m just at my wits end. I can’t take it anymore. Through my insurance I signed up for a free weight loss program. They sent me a fancy scale that shows me my weight and BMI and automatically shares my progress with them. I only started the full program on Monday but I received the scale a few weeks ago and have been sharing my weight them since which has earned me a free Fitbit. They also offer a prepared meal service at a discounted prices and I paid for two weeks worth of meals.

There is so much diet culture bullshit but I’m just ignoring that. Thankfully I am a place where I can see through that bullshit. But I am desperate to lose weight. This program works on a level system and after a few weeks you can choose to stay on the same level or move up to the next one. Since I just started I am on level one. On level one your diet is supposed to consist of 75% fruits and vegetables and 25% protein. It’s based off an inflammation and elimination diet so that on level 2 you start adding back in other foods. Level one is a minimum of three weeks.

I know this isn’t the best idea for someone with a long term eating disorder but in a way there are some positives. There is more structure to what I’m eating and I don’t want to ‘mess it up’ by b/ping. I also am starting to make food instead of just microwave it and call it done.

I am afraid of getting too restrictive. One thing that has kept the restriction in check is the amount of brain fog I had last spring/summer. I never want that again. People didn’t think I was sick. They thought I was dumb and incompetent. I don’t want that ever again, especially in my job. But also I want to lose weight. Back and forth. The eating disorder is saying “well maybe if you drink enough fluids and include protein the brain fog won’t be as bad” And then I remember how things were a year ago and I still scared it will happen again. Back and forth. Ugh, I want this so bad. I’m going to try my hardest to not let this spiral.

I had a medication change last week because I was so sleepy all day long and almost fell asleep during a very important meeting. During the session with my psychiatrist it occurred to me that I have actually started feeling better!!!! I reflected over the previous few weeks and realized I wasn’t as sad and depressed for the first time in years! I started crying because this realization felt SO good. Of course things weren’t ‘perfect’ and of course I wasn’t the happiest person on earth but I didn’t feel dread everyday. I can’t even describe that moment of realization.

But I was practically sleeping through meetings. To help with this we didn’t eliminate any medication but we did lower the dose on one and moved another from morning to night. I woke up this morning crying to the picture of Rosie that is my wallpaper on my phone. And yesterday’s management meeting was awful (that’s a different story) and I came home and it felt like I could hardly move. And for years I’ve had an issue with ‘zoning out’ or technically a few minutes of dissociation until I snap back into reality and this has started happening again.

And it’s all from that minor med change. My psychiatrist did say if this happens I can increase the dose back to its previous level so I’m going to do that. I just don’t want to be sleepy but I also don’t want to be so depressed either.

And it’s 5:30am and I’m up because I have 3 reports due today. Two that I found out about on Tuesday.

Lastly, I have few drafts written up. One of them is an ED update. I’m doing my best to maintain a harm reduction approach but I’ve hit a little bit of a wall. I’m fighting so, so hard not to let things spin out of control again. I’m hoping to finish up all these drafts tonight.

At work today we have a management meeting. These things usually go on for hours and involve team building activities, socializing, announcements, addressing certain issues, watching a video on leadership, and end with lunch.

I’m not in the mood for any of it. I used to look forward to these because they were fun. Now they show case the hypocrites, all the double standards, and everyone circles around into tiny groups whispering about each other and all other gossip. I used to feel welcomed by everyone at these meetings and now I just feel like shit. They are only once a month and it’s typically the only time I see some of these people which is a big positive. I have so much to do this week, for work, and it seems like such a waste of time to be playing the bullshit game with people who really don’t care or act like they are above any lesson that may be taught.

I’m just tired. This week has been nonstop. I want a vacation.

Saw a sibling poll and needed to expand it because I fit, like. Mid youngest, youngest in theory only child in practice, and adopted. And I think they all have their own unique parts in the sibling ecosystem.

I don't know if I'm dilerious and exhausted or if this really is funny. Poor ostrich.

One more meeting but my nerves are shot. I haven’t stopped moving all day and so much more just got added to my plate. Maybe that’s a good thing because they are trusting me more.

I am dragging today. And it’s going to be a very long day with 3 very important meetings, including one where I am the presenter. Too much on one day!!!!

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I am dragging today. And it’s going to be a very long day with 3 very important meetings, including one where I am the presenter. Too much on one day!!!!

I’m exhausted just thinking about it.

I especially love the last part of this post about singing it because my show choir SANG this song and did a choreographed dance to it at the same time. I'd post the youtube video of it but that would give away my location. I absolutely LOVE this song. Brings back all the memories. And everyone was singing along to it the other day at work. Now I need to go listen to it again.

every person can feel freddie’s presence in their souls when they sing MAMAAAAAA UUHHHH, I DONT WANNA DIE, I SOMETIMES I WISH I’VE NEVER BEEN BORN AT ALL with all the air in their lungs i’m not joking

after being mutuals for a certain time tumblr should give you a coupon for a free trip to hang out with them

do me a solid and just reblog this saying what time it is where you are and what you’re thinking about in the tags.

The path from obsession to feelings to presence is not about healing our “wounded children” or feeling every bit of rage or grief we never felt so that we can be successful, thin, and happy. We are not trying to put ourselves together. We are taking who we think we are apart. We feel the feelings not so that we can blame our parents for not saying, “Oh darling,” not so that we can hit pillows and express our anger to everyone we’ve never confronted, but because unmet feelings obscure our ability to know ourselves. As long as we take ourselves to be the child who was hurt by an unconscious parent, we will never grow up. We will never know who we actually are. We will keep looking for the parent who never showed up and forget to see that the one who is looking is no longer a child.

Geneen Roth, Women, Food, and God