#am i doing this on purpose? have i convinced myself that i am SO BAD that i am conditioned to get STUCK? | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

ginax0916 · 1 month

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°‧★ 𝐉𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐑𝐨𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐭𝐞𝐬 ★‧°

Matt Sturniolo x fem!reader

Genre: Angst & fluff

Synopsis: What happens when they’re both jealous with feelings for each other, but won’t admit it?

(It starts off with texts but it’s a regular story after)

༺☆༻

Y/n pov:

Why does he care so much? It’s not even like we’re dating. Plus he brings girls over all the time why’s it such a big deal that I have a date. It’s like he’s purposely saying all these bad things about him so I’ll cancel the date. I truly don’t get what he means, Jason is a nice guy every girl simps over him. Not to mention he’s captain of the football team. But I mean what can go wrong, we’re just going out to dinner then coming back to my place and there, done.

But part of me feels regret. I don’t know why but I feel regret for not listing to Matt now that Jason is only 5 minutes away. What if he’s right? What if he really is just putting an act on to get into my pants? No he would never. Matt’s just jealous and trying to scare me. After all we’re just roommates.

*knock knock*

Oh fuck. Jason’s here. Suddenly my nerves are increasing. My hands are sweaty and my dress is too tight. What the fuck do I do.

“Hey Jason”

“Hey pretty, you read to go?” He says. But for some reason it feels weird when he says it.

“Uh yea let me just grab my coat” I say as I walk to my bedroom and put it on. Before I walk out I see myself in the mirror. Is the dress too short? Too slutty? Suddenly I’m overthinking everything.

“Ok let’s go” I saw as I walk back to him.

“You look beautiful by the way” Jason says. Yet it still feels weird.

“Thank you. You look good too” I say trying to convince myself that he does.

We get in the car and he starts driving, about 5 minutes into the car ride I feel his hand creep onto my knee. And it keeps moving up till it rests on my inner thigh. I wanna push his hand off but I don’t want to be rude.

“Is that fine?” He asks.

“Uh yea” I could’ve said fucking no.

The rest of the ride is filled with an awkward and uncomfortable silence.

The whole dinner was extremely awkward. We barely agreed on anything and he kept making weird comments about how good my body looked in the dress. I just wanted to be done with it and go home.

“You read to go?” Jason asked. Fuck yes I am.

“Yea let’s go” I say.

Gladly he payed for the dinner which was nice of him, but it still doesn’t change the fact that the night was extremely uncomfortable.

We get in the car and I expect him to turn it on but he doesn’t.

“Are you gonna turn it on?” I ask trying to sound as nice as possible.

“You look so pretty” He says as he puts his hand on my thigh, too far up for my liking.

“Oh uh thanks” I saw trying to move away from him.

“That dress makes you look so good” Jason mumbles as he gets closer to me.

“I bet it would look even better if it was on the floor”

“Wha-” I get cut off my his lips on mine.

“What the fuck” I raise my voice as I push him off of me.

“Come on don’t be a brat” He grabs my face and attempts to kiss me again.

“Get the fuck off me” I scream as I try to unbuckle my self.

“I said don’t be a fucking brat” Jason raises his voice as he grabs my body and tries to pull me over to his side of the car.

“I said get off me you jackass!” I scream and I push him hard enough so he lets go and I get out of the car.

As I’m walking away from the car I hear the engine start and before I can move away he drives by me speeding through the puddle that was on the ground, making it splash all over me.

“You’re fucking kidding”

I sit on the curve of the parking lot, soaking wet in disgusting water and pull out my phone to text the one person who warned me this was going to happen.

He’s gonna kill me.

I stay here where he told me freezing because of the water and my jacket is soaked so it’s not much use. But soon enough I see Matt’s car pull up in front of me.

“Oh baby what happened? Why are you soaking wet” Matt says the second he gets out of the car.

“You were right. I should’ve listened I’m sorry” I sniffle as I feel tears swell up in my eyes.

“Hey hey it’s ok don’t cry. You did nothing wrong” He says while wrapping his arms around me holding me close.

“But you warned me and I was bitch and didn’t listen” I start to cry, keeping my head on Matt’s chest.

“No you’re not a bitch. You just made a mistake and now you can learn from it yea? You didn’t know this was gonna happen don’t bring yourself down for it” He comforts me.

“Here put this on and I’ll take you home and then you can tell me everything that happened how does that sound?” Matt asks as he wraps his coat around me.

“Mhm yea” I nod.

“Come on let’s go sweets I don’t want you to get sick” He grabs my hand helping me get up and we get into the car.

Instead of there being an awkward silence, there’s a comforting silence.

I look over to Matt and I feel butterflies in my stomach. The way the moonlight shines through the window lighting his face up. The way his blue eyes reflect the stars in the sky. The way his jawline is so sharp and defined and his cheekbones more prominent than ever. The way his nose compliments his face oh so well. I shouldn’t be having these thoughts about my roommate, it’s not right.

But what if I don’t wanna be just roommates with Matt anymore?

Should I make a part 2 for this or no??

#y/n #sturniolo x reader #matt sturniolo x reader #chris sturniolo x reader #sturniolo smut #christopher sturniolo #matthew sturniolo #nick sturniolo #chris sturniolo #matt sturniolo #sturniolo triplets #nicolas sturniolo #sturniolo fanfic #text post #text

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scrambled-eggsed · 2 years

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I'm still in the phase where my mind absolutely rejects the idea of having a job so the fact that i have a shift tomorrow evening makes me SO spent for over a day before

#personal #i call it a phase to try and convince myself it womt be this bad for all the time i have until i have. other stuff to do #which is until fucking april #literally if i cant get used soon to the prospect of Having A Job and Going To Work as the major part of my life for now......#hell on earth #like. at least at school it was sometimes interesting?#and my friends were there:(#at my job i am just bored for 6-8 hours and also have to deal with rude and or impatient people approximately once every half an hour #also the hours are so much worse #gonna throw up i genuinely miss school #honestly if i could spend these few months just going to the classes i like with no obligation or expectations. i probably would #no you know what i am fighting to stay optimistic about this. what i need is to just work it into my consciousness #yes i have a job. but it takes less time from mt week than school ever did #so even though i have to be there and potentially have a bad time i can actually do stuff in the remaining time #i could go again to the neighborhood library!! ive been wanting to do that for years but it seemed pointless when my schools library was.#there. now i can actually go there with purpose and not nearly as much social awkwardness as the last time i was there #yes im gonna be positive about this. i can do it i can make it through this year #if it kills me..........

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useless-catalanfacts · 10 months

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One thing that really shocked me when I visited Madrid is that some people seemed genuinely offended when I said I only spoke Catalan. I'm from Germany and my boyfriend is Catalan. As he has a very strong Catalan identity and is very much an activist for the language it made sense for me to learn Catalan instead of Spanish. I don't speak it very well yet, but enough to make casual conversation. Trying to have a conversation with an acquaintance when visiting Madrid, I threw in some of my basic Catalan when English didn't fully work (not to piss her off, because I had no idea it would, but simply to make myself understood as English was failing us and I figured the Catalan might be easier and closer and sometimes even the same words as Spanish). This led to a lot of questions from the friendgroup, but this one person seemed personally hurt that I had chosen to learn Catalan and NOT Spanish. She argued that all Catalans spoke Spanish anyway and that my mindset was childish and "excluding the rest of Spain just to make a point". I thought this was such a strange way to look at it. I know this person is not representative for all of Spain, but I thought it was really worrying that some people think like that. She seemed convinced that there was no purpose of learning Catalan beyond "making a silly, political point" as if there wasn't an entire culture and history that came with it. As if Catalans speaking Catalan were like... being difficult on purpose and not.. you know... practicing their f*cking culture and living their damn lives. Good thing I actually am childish, and spoke exclusively in Catalan to her for the rest of the evening.

That's exactly how many Spanish people see it, it's a shame but your story doesn't surprise me. When I was a teenager I went for a few days to do a thing with other teenagers in Madrid and they reacted in a mix of disgust and offence when they heard me speak to my parents in Catalan on the phone. And I've heard quite a lot of other people explain very similar situations. It also reminds me of a video I shared a while ago (post here) where Judit Mascó explains that when she's working in Madrid and she answers the phone to her mother or friends calling, her co-workers told her it bothers them that she speaks in Catalan to other people, when she's not even talking to them.

Many Spanish people just can't understand that Catalan people would like to continue speaking our language, period. They are so convinced that Spanish is superior, that they believe that for our own good we should want to abandon our language and assimilate to theirs, and if we don't, well, then the only possible reason is that we're doing it for the sole purpose of excluding them, as if they were the centre of our lives.

They can see how they use their own language (Spanish) for their family, friends and the rest of their lives, but they can't give us the same amount of humanity and respect to imagine that we can want to speak our own language for the same purposes as they want to speak theirs. No, according to them, we must do it for bad faith proposes.

And let me say: you are doing very well in learning Catalan for your boyfriend. If your boyfriend speaks Catalan, I assume it's most likely that his family and friends speak in Catalan too, it's normal that you'd want to learn the language they use. This will bring you closer to his heart, because you can understand the words with which he has grown up and that are around him, it strengthens your bond. And it gives you the opportunity to communicate with other people around him and participate in conversation. Why would you not want to learn the language? Why would you, instead, want to learn a different language, and does that Spanish person expect you police what your boyfriend and his family/friends speak so not to exclude you (when you would have been the one to decide not to integrate)? It's just such a self-centered way of thinking from them.

#ask #anonymous #català #catalan #sociolinguistics #minority languages #coses de la terra #languages #langblr

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macgyvermedical · 9 days

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My Experience in Inpatient Psych

So I know a lot of people on here have talked about their experience in inpatient psych facilities, but I'd like to add mine just to give all you writers out there a writer-focused one. It's below the cut just in case you have to sit this one out for your own reasons.

To give you some background, I am 30 years old and have had hallucinations since about 16 and bizarre intrusive thoughts (someone living in my house that wasn't supposed to be there, somebody poisoned my walls, etc...) for about a decade, as well as very severe anxiety since I was about 3 years old. This is something not a lot of people know about me, even people I am friends with IRL.

The only thing I am actually diagnosed with is anxiety, which I'm starting to think is a failing of the psych systems I have been a part of. I have had counseling off and on and prior to this hospitalization I took escitalopram, aripiprazole, and gabapentin prescribed by my primary care doctor- all for the severe anxiety.

Quite frankly, I should have been in inpatient psych at least a few times before this, and it's by sheer dumb luck that I've survived to continue this blog.

On Friday, I was at home alone and made a few pretty bad decisions. I wont say what they were because frankly they're embarrassing, but they have to do with self-harm. I was scheduled to work Saturday and at about 9pm I realized that if I drove myself to work I would crash my car. Since my wife drives me sometimes, I figured I would just ask her to.

I told my wife and she asked- even if she drove me to work, since I was a nurse, would I be able to keep myself safe around insulin or other potentially dangerous drugs? I couldn't answer that question. We talked for a couple hours and came to the conclusion that I probably needed to go to the emergency department.

At this point I figured they would evaluate me and release me because I couldn't possibly meet the criteria for inpatient. I was wrong in this assumption. After telling them the decisions I had made that day, the feelings of wanting to die in a car crash, plus about a previous attempt, they recommended inpatient. Turns out, when you're a nurse, you can make some really bad life choices with the knowledge you have, and they didn't want to take any chances.

I was given paper scrubs to wear (so I couldn't hurt myself with my clothing or a hospital gown). I was also given a patient companion (someone who sits in the room and makes sure you don't hurt yourself).

They gave me the option of signing myself in voluntarily, or putting me on a writ of detention. A writ of detention is a piece of paperwork that allows a medical professional or law enforcement officer to hold someone for 3 days in a psychiatric facility against the person's will for the purposes of psychiatric treatment. Whether you sign the voluntary or get placed on a writ, you cannot sign yourself out. You need to wait until the psychiatrist taking care of you thinks you're ready to go.

I didn't believe at this point I needed to go inpatient, but I took the voluntary option because there are some perks, like being able to leave within 3 days if appropriate. At this point I was convinced I was probably going to have to call off work Saturday and Sunday, probably be out of the hospital Monday, have a few days to rest and be back at work on my next scheduled shift after that, which was Thursday.

Well, that's not what happened.

Because of some of the decisions I had made, along with bed availability, they wanted to keep me in the observation unit overnight before they sent me to psych. I stayed overnight in a unit that shares staff with the unit I work on, so I was taken care of by my coworkers. This was surprisingly not that bad. I like my coworkers and they were really professional about it.

Saturday I felt like I was in a fog all day. I couldn't watch TV. I couldn't color or write. I worked out some in my hospital room and paced the halls once or twice. Mostly I hung out with my wife and occasionally talked with my companion, but even talking was difficult. I had refused ativan because I felt like I had no hope of finding a medication that made me feel better, and I figured I didn't want to take the one medication that might actually work and then not be able to get it ever again.

Around 7PM I took a 45 minute ambulance ride to the facility. Getting my blood pressure taken is a big anxiety trigger for me, but my brain felt so scrambled that I couldn't express this well. They took it every 10 minutes on the ride there and by the time I got there it was in the 170s/100s (BP goes up when you're having severe anxiety). This was not their fault of course, but no matter how much I thought about telling them or refusing the BPs, I just couldn't do it.

When I got to the facility I was greeted by a tech who took my BP again (150s/90s this time), showed me around and looked through my personal belongings (basically just the clothing I came in with since my wife took my phone and wallet knowing I wouldn't be able to have them on the unit) to make sure I didn't have anything I wasn't allowed to on the unit. She showed me around my room and was really thorough with telling me how things worked, what the rules were, etc..

The rules included:

No patients allowed in other patients rooms

No personal belongings that had strings, belts, or laces, or that could be used as a weapon

No caffeine after lunch and no free access to caffeine

No personal electronics (including eReaders and watches). There was a TV in the day room and 2 phones mounted to the wall for patient use

A little later my nurse came into my room and asked me a ton of questions. Here's the thing about any hospital- you get asked the same questions over and over. By the time I'd gotten there I could give my story in under a minute. Or at least, that's what it felt like. There were only 2 clocks on the unit, at the nurses stations.

The unit itself was laid out in a "T" shape. There was a main nurse's station at the place where the two hallways intersected. At the end of the long hallway there was another smaller nurses station, a cafeteria/day room, and a "comfort room" which was a small room off the day room that had a collection of the oldest and worst donated books that have every come together on a bookshelf.

I did some pacing that night and then went to bed, but didn't sleep particularly well.

On Sunday morning the tech woke me up to take my blood pressure, which was, not unsurprisingly, still high. It was about 5 AM so I got up and paced the longer of the corridors for about an hour. Breakfast was served at 8 and the food wasn't that bad. The coffee was about the worst I'd ever drank, which I suppose helped with the no caffeine goals.

Just after breakfast I met with a psychiatrist on an iPad for about half a minute, and I'm not exaggerating there. The only questions he asked were whether I was suicidal and whether I would be fine with tripling my dose of aripiprazole in light of the hallucinations. I had had a 50-lb weight gain in the last year so I asked to switch my med. He switched the med to cariprazine. That was all.

I had a much longer meeting with my nurse later. All the nurses did an excellent job of assessing me, asked tons of questions, and it seemed like they really tried to figure out what was going on. That day I also met with a social worker, and a therapist, and a nurse practitioner. Each of them did an assessment to see what my needs were while I was there.

There was also a music therapy session where I cried my eyes out to Because of You by Kelly Clarkson.

I was really tired by the end of the day but I also didn't think I could sleep so I asked for trazodone. I should clarify that when I say "I" in this piece I really mean my wife convinced me to ask because I legitimately didn't believe I needed or deserved any of the things I asked for at this point. To my utter shock and surprise, they gave me the trazodone.

My first night on trazodone was amazing and I realized I hadn't slept well in a long time. With trazodone I fell asleep and stayed asleep until the blood pressure cart came rolling down the hallway at 5am. The second I got up on Monday morning I was wide awake.

I paced a lot Monday. I went to a goals session in the morning where I gave a goal to write 3/4 of a page. I didn't know if I could do it or what I was even going to write about, but I know I like to write and it might be a reasonable introduction to getting back to life.

I also was having kind of a rough day brain-wise. My brain was coming up with all the ways I could hurt myself in my room. There weren't a lot of them, but it was trying. I told the nurse during her assessment and she asked if I felt I could keep myself safe. I asked her what she would do if I said no. She said they could move me to a more secure part of the unit and give me more supervision. I knew what part of the unit she was talking about, and I didn't want to go there (no space to pace, and pacing was keeping me alive right then). So I told her I could keep myself safe (if anything, the idea of moving was good motivation to do stay safe in itself). I hallucinated some black and white blood cells falling from the ceiling and music coming out of my vents.

I also had another meeting with the social worker to figure out discharge plans. I voiced in the meeting that I wasn't sure that I could trust my wife, since it felt like at the time she was the one who exaggerated my symptoms to get me in here. The social worker said we had really good communication skills, since this was something I felt needed to be said in front of both of them and we both stayed really calm through the whole thing.

I finished the day with an art therapy session that really helped me turn a corner. The prompt was to draw the emotion(s) you felt right now on one side of the paper, and to draw the emotions you wished you could feel on the other side. For the first time I realized that my emotional state was actually really bad and that the suicidality hadn't come out of nowhere, and that I needed help.

When my wife came to visit later that night I was able to tell her about my breakthrough, even though I still felt a little bit like she had done something to get me in here and I still wasn't sure I needed to be inpatient.

Tuesday was a lot better. I felt like I had woken up out of some kind of fog and I had no idea how long I'd been in it. I went to goals group, a spiritual group, and group occupational therapy. My goal was to be more social and I made a friend and we paced together and worked out. I read a quarter of The Martian by Andy Weir (my wife brought it for me because the best thing on the bookshelf was Louis L'Amour). I wrote about how good I suddenly felt. Turns out, I thought, a few days of good sleep, lots of therapy, and a new medication or two will really change things.

A quick side note about The Martian. I highly recommend it to anyone who is chilling in a psych hospital but has the ability to read while they're there (I sure didn't the first few days). I don't really know why, but the first few times I read it, I felt like they had created this superhuman character in Mark Watney just so they could throw a ton of wild things at him for the story. This time reading it, as a suddenly not suicidal person, I realized anyone with Mark's skill would have done the same thing and not just died on Sol 7 to get it over with.

Wednesday I woke up not feeling nearly as good as Tuesday, but still like the fog had lifted. I was a little disappointed (I hallucinated my cat (thanks for coming to visit me, Corina), some spiders, and just felt kinda meh. But I remembered how good I felt the day before, and that really kept me hopeful about going home.

I saw the psychiatrist again and asked to go home. He joked a little about me staying till Christmas, but ultimately he said as soon as his note was in I could go. I ended up leaving at about 12:30 with my wife.

In the time since leaving I have required a lot of support from my wife. The medications are all locked up, so are the blades and anything I could use to hurt myself. My wife has me in eyeshot at all times. I can't drive due to intrusive thoughts, so she does all the driving now. I quit my job because I feel like it was a big part of why I ended up as bad as I was. As someone who has been a pretty independent person this is a big change of pace, but something that is really necessary to my healing.

Ultimately at the end of my hospital stay, I was prescribed escitalopram, gabapentin, trazodone, cariprazine, and then a few days later propranolol. I'm currently on a total of 5 psych meds and honestly I don't care one bit because its so much better than being not on them at this point in my life.

#mental health #personal #writing reference #inpatient psych #suicide mention #hallucination mention

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etirabys · 4 months

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some years ago I bought Mortimer J Adler's "How to Read a Book" because I was bad at reading books. I read a bit, dropped off, and persisted for years in thinking that I would be better at reading if only I could summon the will to finish the book. Well I finally came back to it and it wasn't very helpful. Thank god. The tracery of neuronal connections that were devoted to feeling bad about it can be repurposed for a new fetish or something. Anyway, it seems important to record what I did get from it, because I am a bad reader and it's good to crystallize the tasks or principles that can move me forward.

the fast first pass

Adler distinguishes between "analytical reading" and "inspectional reading". Analytical reading is complete reading, thorough reading. Inspectional reading is to skim systematically, with the aim of determining what a book or passage is about and how it is structured. Reading the table of contents carefully is part of this, as is skipping to the chapters that seem most load-bearing and looking at the summary statements at the beginning or end to see what the core arguments are. Adler convinced me to always do this with nonfiction – it is good not to be surprised by the structure of something you've decided to commit hours of your life to.

[Readers who did not even read the table of contents] are thus faced with the task of achieving a superficial knowledge of the book at the same time that they are trying to understand it. That compounds the difficulty.

He's also a fan of fast first passes of a difficult book. Don't stop to ponder shit. Don't look up words. It's okay to be superficial. Race through it, and it will prepare you to read it well the second time.

The tremendous pleasure that can come from reading Shakespeare, for instance, was spoiled for generations of high school students who were forced to go through Julius Caesar, As You Like It, or Hamlet, scene by scene, looking up all the strange words in a glossary and studying all the scholarly footnotes. As a result, they never really read a Shakespearean play. By the time they reached the end, they had forgotten the beginning and lost sight of the whole. Instead of being forced to take this pedantic approach, they should have been encouraged to read the play at one sitting and discuss what they got out of that first quick reading. Only then would they have been ready to study the play carefully and closely because then they would have understood enough of it to learn more.

reading speed

The correct reading speed differs per passage even in the same book, and my problem is that I usually know what it is but go faster than it. It's a terrible habit that impedes my understanding and my enjoyment. Adler suggests using your finger across a line of type and following it with your eye. (Actually, he suggests this for the purpose of learning how to read faster – by moving your finger slightly faster than your comfortable reading speed, you will be forced to keep up. But it seems that it should work equally well for slowing down.)

ask yourself questions

To read actively in an analytical reading pass, you should ask yourself questions. (When I hired @eka-mark as tutor a few years ago and talked about how difficult I found it to learn from textbooks, they gave me the same advice – have a question in mind that you're trying to answer as you read – it'll focus your mind.) I frankly don't like Adler's questions*, so for myself I'll say: whatever questions naturally bubble up for me on the first pass, I will try to answer on the second. *what is the book about as a whole, what is being said and how, is the book true, how does it matter to you as a reader)

with fiction specifically

"Read it quickly and with total immersion, if possible in one sitting, so that the unity of the plot does not escape you."

my addition

I believe this but seem to be bad at acting on it:

I can read about 500-2000 books in the years I have remaining of life. Read Kindle samples first and give up aggressively. (If I read more than 30% of the books I sample, I'm probably doing something wrong.) Make the first pass, and don't bother doing the second if the first showed the book to be unexceptional. The complement of reading well is to choose good books to read.

#rambl #eti reads stuff

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starlightshadowsworld · 1 month

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The Wary Weretiger

"You know, I think therapy might be more effective than this." Said Atsushi. He didn't need to turn around to know Akutugawa was rolling his eyes.

"Shut up."

Atsushi raised his hand, catching the orange. "Huh, you even peeled it this time. Must be serious."

He wasn't exactly sure how they got here. Akutagawa had been hunting him down for his bounty.... And than one day just stopped. Somewhere along the lines this had become their routine.

Akutugawa ranted at him, Atsushi sat and ate whatever fruit he'd pick up on the way. Sometimes he'd voice his own opinion and Akutugawa would begrudgingly listen.

It was werid.

But not unwelcome.

It definitely beat having his leg cut off, that's for sure.

"Go on, out with it. I'm busy today." Akutugawa scoffed "and what could you be possibly busy with." Atsushi shrugged "well I still need to get a job."

It didn't matter how much he saved from what he stole from the Orphanage, it wouldn't last him much longer.

"I thought the Agency offered you a position." Said Akutugawa, carefully. As kind as Atsushi was he fought like a caged beast. He could and would ditch Akutugawa if the other offended him.

And Akutugawa didn't want to admit he liked his company.

Atsushi took a bite out of an orange slice "only because of my ability. They're nice people, but I'll find a job myself. Besides that would you my enemy and I am not dealing with that."

His leg would grow back but it was painful. And being on Akutugawa's not bad side was a nice place to be.

Not that Atsushi would admit it.

Akutagawa nodded, he could respect wanting to keep your pride even when you were at rock bottom. But even soo... "Is it so bad for them to want you for your ability?"

Atsushi paused.

"My whole life people have only wanted my ability. They've tried to rip it out of me because they felt entitled to it.... Do you really think I'd want to join an organisation that values it so highly?"

There was an edge to his tone, but also sadness. Akutugawa's eyes went wide in shock.

He unconsciously tugged his coat closer. He wouldn't know what to do if Rashomon was stolen from him.

Akutugawa felt vulnerable just taking a bath, he couldn't imagine how Atsushi felt feeling his ability get ripped out of his skin. It was fortunate that it clearly failed.

It certainly explained Atsushi's distrust of both light and dark.

"I suppose not." Said Akutugawa, going quiet in thought. He went back to his initial question.

"I was once in a situation like yours. I lived in the slums, it was there Dazai found me and I joined the Port Mafia. That became my purpose, and I'm lost without it. But you... You don't have that, and yet you seem satisfied."

Atsushi hummed, thoughtful. "I'm gonna say something, but right or wrong you're not allowed to stab me again."

Akutagawa scoffed.

"I stabbed you one time, stop acting like it was such a big deal.... But very well, I won't stab you."

Atsushi turned to face Akutugawa, putting his orange slices back into a tupperware box. "That isn't your purpose."

Akutagawa is taken aback. He wants to argue but something in him stops him. The way Atsushi spoke to him now was different to how he usually does.

He sounded like Dazai.

Dazai in the quiet moments, the rare moments when Akutugawa hadn't failed him. The all seeing look in his eye as he read Akutugawa like an open book.

"You had a purpose, one you cherished like a second soul. But you lost it. You tried to convince yourself whatever you consider your purpose now is it, but it isn't. And it never will be."

And yet when Atsushi spoke it was kind. It wasn't intended to tear Akutugawa down, quite the opposite. And Akutugawa found himself unable to look away.

"... How do you know this?"

Atsushi smiled, it was small and sad and it didn't fit him like his usual grin did. "You wouldn't be trying so hard to find your purpose if you truly believed you found it."

He looked away, giving Akutugawa some privacy in his own thoughts. "Ask yourself, who were you before the Port Mafia? Who were you back when you were like me? There's you're answer."

Akutagawa frowned, deep in thought. He'd been... He'd been weaker and pitiful. A small child who killed whoever went in his way, but killing hadn't changed in his life.

He was the Port Mafia's Rabid dog, he was still a killer so that wasn't it.

What had he been killing for? In the Port Mafia it was because those were his orders. Because the weak needed to be destroyed to make way for the strong.

Back in the slums it had been for survival. Akutugawa would've died many times over if he'd let those idiots survive. And Gin wouldn't have survived of he hadn't protected her from them.

Akutagawa froze.

... That's what it was. He had been a protector, his reason for killing down in the slums was to protect Gin and his friends.

His friends who were killed on the night Dazai found him... The night Akutugawa lost his purpose and tried to gain another.

But failed.

"I can't get it back." Whispered Akutugawa, suprised that he choked up at the thought. He hadn't thought of them in years.

"You can" Said Atsushi, looking at him again. "The circumstances may have changed, but the core premise is the same. You just have to open yourself up to that."

Open himself up? So Akutugawa had to find something else to protect? That... Didn't seem so hard, given the Port Mafia protected the city from the shadows. And Gin was still with him.

Had it really been infront of him, all this time?

"That's the difference between us" said Atsushi, quietly but Akutugawa caught it. "You had a purpose only to lose it. While I have never had one."

Atsushi chuckled and it was sad again and Akutugawa hated it. He preferred when Atsushi was genuinely happy. When his smile reached his eyes, his eyes that were kind and shined with light.

Now they looked so empty, so sad.

"You think I'm satisfied but I'm not. I have no dreams, no aspirations, my worth is tied entirely to my ability. I live to spite all those that want me dead, to stop them from taking the tiger if I pass on. I have no purpose, not really."

Akutugawa didn't know what to say, all he could do was nod in goodbye when Atsushi left.

He reached down, picking up the half of orange Atsushi saved for him. That he always saved for him, no matter how hard times got.

"You're wrong" he said to the wind as he walked away. "You're so much more than you're ability."

#When you're Atsushi AU has an akutagawa essay in it #The Wary Weretiger #bungou stray dogs #bsd #bsd atsushi #atsushi nakajima #bsd akutagawa #akutagawa ryuunosuke #Bsd sskk #But they haven't realised it yet

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safedistancefrombeingsmart · 4 months

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What did John say in his letter to Sherlock? We never find out and I regularly wonder what John could have written. Here's my version of John's letter.

(Also, this is my 1st time writing anything, so this is a bit nerve- wracking stressful. Not a native speaker, not beta'd/ britpicked, and so on.)

Warnings: nothing too bad, just a bit lot of angst.

Broken

You broke me, Sherlock. You broke me in so many ways and I don't know if I can ever recover from it.

I have been damaged before. By Mum and Dad, by Harry. Bit by bit, piece by piece I rebuild myself, every time. Then came Afghanistan and it broke me more than anything before, inside and out. It took away my career, my future and I was certain that I could never fix what the war took from me. I was ready to end it all, on my own terms.

But then I met you and to my surprise you could repair what I could not, not on my own. You gave me purpose and brought back joy to my life. I felt alive. Needed. Happy. I don't think I've ever been this happy before, and I am sure I never will be again. I was convinced that you would never do anything to harm my happiness. But you did.

You broke me, shattered me when you jumped off that damn roof. You crushed my heart into a million pieces when you leapt into inevitable death, when I saw your skull cracked open and your dead eyes and the blood. So much blood. I didn't know that it was just a magic trick. A lie. Why did you have to lie to me, Sherlock? Not trust me enough to take me with you? I would have gone everywhere with you, done everything for you. Everything. I think that's what hurt the most. You not trusting me. I trusted you. With everything I had. And you broke that trust by not trusting me.

I don't know how I managed not to fling myself off that same roof. Oh, I've thought about it. Many, many times. But I couldn't do it. I couldn't do this to Mrs. H. or Greg who had already lost a son (or close enough) and a friend. I could not be that selfish. Yes, I thought you were a selfish bastard. Doing that to us. To me. Even made me watch. Cruel doesn't even come close to describe what you did. Did you know that I don't dream about Afghanistan anymore? I dream about your Fall and the cracked skull and the dead eyes and the blood. And how I failed to save you. You never needed saving, but I didn't know that and it haunts me to this day.

I don't know what Mary saw in me. I was a grieving, broken man with no purpose. But she insisted that she liked me and I couldn't convince her that I wasn't worth her time. She distracted me from the grief and in a way she saved me, not unlike you did when we first met.

And then you came back. And I should have been happy, right? The miracle I had asked for so many times. But you treated your return like a joke, like it didn't matter -like I didn't matter- and you ridiculed me and something else inside me broke and this time I broke something of yours in return. Sorry about the nose, but I was so FUCKING angry and you kept talking and you kept being an enormous prick and it made me so angry.

Mary thought she talked me around, to see you again, to talk to you again. The truth is: I needed no one to talk me around. I could have never stayed away from you for too long. As soon as (most of) my anger had vanished, I was drawn back to you like a moth to the light. And I thought that, maybe, I could be happy again. With you AND Mary by my side. And a little girl on the way.

And then you got shot and I nearly lost you. Again. My heart shattered to pieces, again, while I waited for news at the hospital. And as if it wasn't bad enough with you nearly dying, it was bloody Mary who tried to break me this time by breaking you. How could you not see who she really was? The world's only Consulting Detective and the smartest man I have ever known, and you didn't bloody know??? I could not leave her, not with Rosie on the way. I didn't want my little girl to grow up without a father. I promised her to be a better father than my own and I could never break this promise. Not before she was even born. But you made me break that promise. You didn't pull the trigger, that day in the aquarium, but you might have as well. You SWORE to protect Mary so my little girl would have a mother and she still died. I cannot care for Rosie, not on my own. I can barely take care of myself.

I am a broken man, Sherlock, I am not the man I want to be. Not anymore. I am a washed up soldier and doctor, a single father who can't take care of his daughter, a son and brother being only 1 step away from following his father's and sister's footsteps and becoming a full blown alcoholic.

I can't be near you anymore. Not until I get better. And I don't know if I ever can. I do not trust myself, with all the anger and sadness and guilt and broken promises. Maybe this time I am broken beyond repair.

Do not contact me. Do not follow me. Do not spy on me (same goes for you, Mycroft!). Don't even think about me. Do not! Sherlock, I mean it. This time it has to be my way, not yours.

I don't know when I can bear to see you again, if I can bear to ever see you again. And this thought breaks whatever is left of my already broken heart.

John

(AO3 link)

#john watson #sherlock holmes #sherlock bbc #bbc sherlock #fanfic #sherlock fanfic #sherlock fandom #my fics

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save-the-villainous-cat · 8 months

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ENEMIES WITH BENEFITS FT. PINING! WITH A HAPPY ENDING! (because the other one wrecked me. how could you)

“You’ll get a cold.” The villain took off their jacket and put it around the hero’s shoulders and as their fingers brushed against the hero’s bare shoulders, both seemed to hesitate for a moment.

“It’s alright, really,” the hero said, laughing awkwardly. And despite their desire to convince both of them that it wasn’t a big deal, they put their arms into the sleeves and pulled the jacket closer. Its smell reminded the hero of their enemy’s bed, of takeout shared in the living room after a rough session and admittedly of the intimacy they yearned for.

“Although I can’t use my telepathy anymore, I’m pretty sure you were freezing. Your whole body was shaking.” It was quite tragic, wasn’t it? To be stripped of your powers. The hero thought about it often and though it hadn’t left physical scars, the hero knew how tormented the villain actually was.

Being destined for greatness hadn’t made the villain untouchable. And neither was the hero. In fact, maybe this privilege, this destiny made them so vulnerable in the first place. Potential and opportunity — what if someone took these things? What would be left?

“You’re very sweet,” the hero said. It was a long walk to the hero’s apartment and since the hero refused to pay for a taxi, the villain made sure to bring them back. Every time.

“If I want to.”

“No, you can’t really control kindness. You’re very sweet. That’s who you are.” The hero looked along the many houses, stretching into the endlessness of the city. God, they never quite knew how to treat the villain when they were alone like this. Sleeping with each other was easy, but this type of exposure was something else.

Somehow, this was an opportunity, too. Most of the time, they talked about nothing in particular but every now and then one of them dropped their guard. Those moments were precious to the hero.

“I’m not gonna mention my body count.” The hero smiled softly. They were close to the hero’s house now.

“I thought your body count is one.”

“Not that body count,” the villain said and when the hero looked at them, they saw a blush on their stoic enemy’s face. God, what a sight. “Christ, you drive me crazy sometimes.”

The villain stopped and looked at the hero for a moment. They wanted to say something, but didn’t.

“What is it?”

“Do you think I’m ruined?” they asked, rather helplessly. Shifting to serious topics was becoming a natural habit. The hero loved it. “Do you think it ruined me when they…you know, took my powers?”

“No,” the hero answered immediately. “No. I…honestly, I believe you lost your way. You lost purpose and a part of yourself. But I don’t think it ruined you. I think you just needed a new purpose.”

The villain stared at them again. They were good at this, staring and saying nothing. Silently, they agreed on continuing their walk.

“I always told myself that if I still had my powers, I’d be a better person. I always told myself that if it hadn’t been for that one thing, I would be perfect. I managed to convince myself that I couldn’t possibly be better than I am, due to the circumstances. But maybe I was just afraid of trying to be good and failing. That’s why I didn’t try at all.”

“Well, that’s the thing. You’re not a bad person. You’re trying to be one but that’s not what you are.” The hero looked at them and, god, the villain’s eyes sucked them in. “You’re wonderful. You just didn’t get that back then.”

They arrived at the hero’s doorstep.

“You really think that?” The hero searched for their keys, so they were surprised when they looked up and found the villain incredibly close to them.

“Uhhh…I think so yeah. Your powers had potential, yes. But it’s not this one thing, this one goddamn thing that decides over what you could be. I think it’s dedication and it’s desire, it’s love and it’s inspiration. It’s something you decide, it’s something you make. I have the potential to save this world but if I am dedicated to saving just this one person…” Their gaze dropped to the villain’s lips. “…then maybe I don’t need to save the world.”

The villain kissed them hard and the hero could barely ask them if they wanted to come up with them.

Of course, the villain said yes.

#I know this room I’ve walked this floor #writing snippet #heroxvillain snippet #heroxvillain prompt #hero #villain #heroes and villains #hero x villain #heroxvillain #an answer for an ask #request #d-d-d-did you catch how the body counts represent the villain having no purpose and gaining new purpose 👉👈#many bodies killed when they lacked perspective and one person (the hero) laid when they found it again (yes the hero is their new purpose)#goes hand in hand with frustration (killing) and satisfaction (seggs)#d-d-d-did u catch that?? 😩😩

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furiousgoldfish · 5 months

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I finally caved in and started using pain medicine to deal with the pain. This was a very hard thing for me to do, because for the most of my life, I believed that I both didn't deserve any medicine, and that it was bad for me.

Thinking back, my family used a lot of medicine daily, but when I was sick, I was told to 'work through it' or that my immune system had to be strong enough to take it. I wasn't even taken to the doctor unless there was a culmination of multiple issues at once. Even when taken to the doctor, I've been told over and over what a burden I was, how much of their time I was wasting, and how I got sick on purpose.

I became convinced that if I wanted to be healthy, I would bear any sickness without the help of doctors or medicine. This conviction became so strong that if I was forced to take any medicine, I would have a volatile reaction, start having a complete breakdown or immediately get sicker. I started believing that my body is resistant to medicine and breaks down if any is introduced. It was more likely that I was hanging onto my belief that I had to be 'strong enough to survive anything without medicine' so much, that if this got violated, I would psychologically break down and believe myself weak and broken permanently.

As an adult, I would take medicine only when pain was such high level it was unbearable and pushing me into suicidal thoughts. And lately, I've been having lots of that, pain so severe it would paralyze me completely, I wouldn't be able to speak or think, I would even end up making noises, which, I was trained not to do, even when tortured. There was an instance where I was in so much pain I couldn't control my hands enough to take medicine, and found myself having to ask someone else to give it to me - which was horrifying to me. And I finally realized, I can't wait that long. I have to take the medicine before it gets to such extreme levels.

So, I am slowly letting go of my ideas that medicine will make me weak or mess with my immune system. I'm looking up what medicine does to the body and for the first time, seeing realistically what the risks are, what is happening inside of me if I take any, what are the possible side-effects, what will it truly do to my immune system. The entire process is extremely scary, because I built so much of my identity on that perceived toughness and 'medicine is bad' mindset. Just casually learning that I've been wrong about everything for all of my life is a lot to swallow. But I can't live like this anymore. I can't stand any more of the pain. Even if medicine will give me some mild side effects, or is a bit tough on my stomach, taking it responsibly will not give me any permanent damage. It will keep me alive through the pain and make it survivable. I can't live in an amount of pain that is making me suicidal.

#tw mention of suicidal thoughts #tw suicidal thoughts #thoughts of medicine #child abuse and medicine #deconstructing fake ideas about medicine #learning facts where there was only fearmongering #abusive family #child abuse #medical neglect

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archivalofsins · 8 days

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I really enjoy how Yamanaka can encapsulate the guilt of being alive in his characters. That guilt from living and being human people all intrinsically have due to our shared history. Along with the ways we as individuals try to admonish ourselves for it.

The ways we begin to police ourselves and form ideologies to prop up the moral and right center we believe we should have. In what's a clear attempt to differentiate or sometimes make ourselves feel superior to others. It really highlights that at the end of the day, it's not just ones ideologies that hurt people but how they communicate and practice those things.

There are beliefs that people have crafted over decades for the sole purpose of hurting and devaluing others. Beliefs that one would be hard pressed to not find a person that on some level believes them regardless of where in the world they are. It'd be even more difficult not to run into someone who sympathizes with those who believe in something that is clearly harmful. Not because they think the thing is good but because they recognize this is a mistake they either could've made, almost made, or have wanted to make themselves.

Milgram is a good series because it serves to show, through its audiences response and participation, how many things left unsaid can become the foundation of biases. Biases that then go on to impact and inform how we treat others around us. It's easy to say religion is bad when it's not your beliefs being questioned.

It's harder for an individual to ask what beliefs that I hold dear are causing pain to those around me. Furthermore, how can I practice and keep to my beliefs in a way that causes no harm to others. Do I really believe this, or do I just like the impression of me it gives people if I say I believe this. What sort of person am I? Am I the lines I draw or the many ways I hold others to these lines but skirt around them myself? Is there a way to truly objectively be moral and in the right?

Or is the very act of conveniencing ourselves we can be just another form of human error?

What's the worst that could happen by interrogating the idea that I may be wrong? Does the possible blow to my ego matter more than the possibility for growth that could give? If I'm wrong about this, there's no telling what else I could be wrong about. What if I've been wrong about everything all my life, then what?

It's different when it's something we believe in ourselves. It's different when it's a cause one has convinced themselves to fight for. It's different when we have to cross our own lines. A lot of people equate changing with dying instead of growing. I believe this is because a lot of people feel shame and guilt over their past. So they say things like that was the old me, I'm not that person anymore.

Something that isn't always indicative of growth and come off as just plain denial.

Yes, I'm not the person I was yesterday. I won't be the person I am now, tomorrow or an hour from now. Yet, I'll still be me regardless of what I learn. Regardless of when I face what I have yet to know and it becomes what I now know. Regardless of if something from my past comes back to question me now. My feelings, views, and circumstances will keep changing because the fact that I'm alive today gives me the privilege to experience change.

When did people become ashamed of saying "I'm still me." When did it become more important to discrad oneself in the name of changing than to grow into yourself. When did change become denial? Plus, what exactly will it hurt to give ourselves space to fuck up and be wrong? What would people lose out on by not beating themselves down?

Instead of going the that was the old me going,

"During that time I was biased, stubborn, uniformed, and only centering my own views. I'm trying to be better now. I want to hear your opinion and be present in this moment with you. That can't happen if I'm always playing defense."

When we admit we're capable of doing wrong, it can feel bad. That sort of thing can really fucking sting. Yet if we never do, we ultimately deprive ourselves of the ability to be right. We ultimately trap ourselves in one spot. We put ourselves up on the same pedestal we place these characters on and try to do no wrong.

It's easy to say this sort of thing hurts the person doing it the most. Easy to see how this mindset can impact us because we're the one's experiencing it. It can feel like someone is the only person experiencing these things at times. That others just don't understand, and they may not be asking them to anyway.

That's their weight, their duty. Their's to carry nobody else's. Then, one day, they'll look up wondering why this thing they were meant to carry on their own has crushed everyone around. If it was their choice, why didn't it just impact them? That's the fair thing after all.

Yet, that's just not how living works. Our choices, beliefs, and views impact more than just ourselves because we're people. We live in a shared experience with the others around us. It's a miraculous and amazing thing. If the Milgram characters couldn't impact and interact with each other... If they couldn't form or deny community within the prison.

Would it still be Milgram? If we didn't have that choice ourselves, would we still be living? Those sort of things. Displaying those types of characters and creating that sort of atmosphere. It's difficult but endlessly entertaining.

#gunsli rambles #milgram

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misc-obeyme · 6 months

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Lesson 32 spoilers below (including the hard lesson, though it is labelled as such):

My poor baby Levi. After all that, he blamed himself. It's perfectly understandable for him to be upset about MC trying to leave. And yet he was convinced that he didn't deserve to feel that way. Please my heart can't take any more of this.

HOWEVER.

We didn't even get to see his Little D at all. I wonder if we'll see him at some point after the flood? It just seems like we've met everyone else's...

ALSO.

A looooot of talking about MC's special room this time. I no longer think these are the past brothers/characters. At this point, I think these are all the same characters, even Solomon. That's why we've never seen past Solomon. Because he isn't there.

I think it's some kind of spell/curse/magic that has transported everyone back to the past. (Or a simulated version of the past.) Everyone but Solomon and MC lost their memories, making it so their memories start at that moment in the past that they were sent to. It isn't that they are past versions of the brothers. It's that they're the same versions, but sent to the past with their memories wiped. And yet despite whatever magic did that (or perhaps a deliberate flaw of it), they get vibes from MC's old room.

This is the only explanation that makes sense to me anymore. It's the only way they can have feelings about MC's room, the only way characters like Luke can talk about how it feels right to spend time with Simeon and Solomon, likely the only reason we've never met or had to worry about past Solomon. I think this truth is what Solomon told Simeon at the end of season one (I don't quite remember what lesson it was). I think Barbatos knows because for some reason the magic doesn't work on him, but he's going along with it.

It just doesn't make sense otherwise. In this lesson they discuss how the feelings they get from that room are getting stronger.

I think that when MC has made pacts with all of them again, everybody gets their memories back. And this new experience of the past is the one they remember as reality. A way to retcon the past without changing the OG story.

I know people have speculated about this before, I am not at all the first person to think this is the case. But the more I think about it, the more this seems like the only plausible scenario?

And the only scenario in which we aren't abandoning a version of the brothers that we've come to love. Because it's actually been the same set of brothers all along.

Still have no clue who Nightbringer is or what the purpose of doing any of this is. And I could be way off base here. But I guess we'll see.

Hard Lesson:

I would also like to say that of course Solomon made the inside of the boat a freakin' castle. THOUGH. OH SHIT.

I was legit just gonna talk about how funny I thought that was, but isn't it just another example of the fact that Solomon can create entirely different worlds with magic? Though if Solomon is the one who created another world, it seems weird that his magic would also be declining in that world? Though he can clearly make entire ark-castles so maybe it's not as bad as it seemed?

ALTHOUGH I think it would be very interesting if Nightbringer is using Solomon's magic (or making Solomon use his magic) to create this alternate past. And Solomon's magic is fading because he's using so much of it to maintain that place. (MC's magic fading might be more about trying to impart urgency so they'll make pacts faster.)

ANYWAY. This is all speculation obviously lol. Solomon is a silly guy who loves MC so I think the only way he could be actually involved is if Nightbringer is somehow forcing him. (Like he might do all of that if it's going to, say, save MC's life in the end or something.)

Ugh I'm so tired of speculating lol. Any time I'm like okay but what if...? I end up writing myself in circles trying to figure things out.

This whole Nightbringer thing better be DONE by the end of this season or I am going to be UPSET.

Anyway, we all know you did CPR to save us, Levi, it's okay. You can say it tee hee. <3

#this game is going to drive me insane #I say that as if it hasn't already #obey me #obey me nightbringer #obey me nightbringer spoilers #spoilers #obey me nightbringer lesson 32 #misc lesson recap #misc rambles #starting to think I need a misc speculates about where the HELL this story is going AGAIN tag

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mrs-monaghan · 8 months

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OMG Tae did way worse than I expected 💀💀💀

Slow Dancing - #3 on Billboard's Global Excl US. Jimin did #2 because of that Morgan whale

#4 on Billboard's Global 200 this week! - JM #2

BB 200 - Tae - #2 100K album, JM #2 164K.

BB 100 - Jm #1, Tae - #51 💀💀

the way most popular member charted below than Suga is crazy lol. Even Jimin's all hated Bside SMF ate it up so bad (#30 BB). This is answer to his rabid stans than internet popularity doesn't give you a shit irl. First outchart supposedly unpopular rapline before getting Park Jimin's lowest numbers lmao

Before I comment on this I would just like it to be known; I AM NOT A V ANTI!!!!!

This isn't a disclaimer. I am only stating this because of the asks I've go10 shitting on him. I will not be posting those. I don't blame anyone but myself. I know I have allowed people to vent about him here before and I was definitely among the people getting pissed at the JK name dropping but I'm pretty chill these days. So V's antics don't bother me and also there is something about binging all that Layover content continously that just reminds you that V is not the monster people paint him out to be.

If you haven't had the time i recommend this video. It was my favourite and I quite enjoyed it.

youtube

He is funny and honestly I also wanna say adorable 😂😂

Sure, the way he treats those around him could use some adjustment. But those around him seem to love him just fine so who I'm I to be mad at him, you know?

Now that that's out of the way, let's indeed talk numbers. I've said multiple times the 2 most popular members are Jimin and JK. Not V and JK. We've seen this before but sure, let's revisit the topic.

So a friend of mine who quite enjoys keeping tabs on numbers did the following math:

September 9th Streams, Thailand percentage compared to overall Streams:

Seven: 17,6 %

Slow Dancing: 29,6 %

Like Crazy: 8,7 %

So this is the amount of Streams Thailand had for the Maknae line Main Tracks on September 9th, Compared to worldwide Streams.

😁

Maknae Line, Main Track Streams Debut Day. Global vs USA vs Thailand

Debut Streams "Seven":

Global: 15,99 M

USA: 2,064 M (12,9 %)

Thailand: 1,3 M (8,13 %)

Debut Streams "Like Crazy":

Global: 6,6 M

USA: 0.997 M (15,1 %)

Thailand: 0,165 M (7,5 %)

Debut Streams "Slow Dancing":

Global: 6,14 M

USA: 0,388 M (6,3 %)

Thailand: 0,970 M (15,8 %)

These are the Streams for each Main Track's Debut Day. Global vs US vs Thailand

In conclusion:

-USA and Thailand looooooove JK. BUT Seven is charting in 71 out of 72 (wow) eligble Spotify countries. So it's a bob and a hit globally.

-USA loooooooooves Jimin. Thailand, not so much 😬

-Thailand absolutely looooooves V. USA, not so much.

But we kinda already knew this no? Alot of vermin are in Thailand, Vietnam and Philippines, etc. SouthEastAsian is Taekook domain statistically speaking. But the thing is, its still mostly V they prioritize. SEVEN experienced global success coz JK appears to be a fan favourite everywhere. So that helps him even when the SouthEastAsians decide to mostly support V.

So assuming these calculations are correct, which they should be since they are from Spotify Global, (feel free to go do your own) I really don't understand how it was concluded V is the most popular member. And there is many more countries to choose from, my friend only used Thailand coz its one of the countries that stream the most.

People assuming V is the most popular coz of his followers on IG, Guys, Instagram is only one app. V solos n V biased Armys can convince themselves that he's the most popular but numbers do not lie. Chapter 2 has shown that that, is not the case at all. I mean if you've been on twitter you've seen V hasn't even been able to beat Suga in certain categories and records. Like anon said.

The purpose of my post is not to say V isn't liked. That would be a lie. I'm just saying if anything JK is the most popular BTS member. And that's on fax 💯💯💯💯 with Jimin being a very, very, close second. And I know by saying this I am beating a dead horse atp but if Jimin had go10 the push JK did they would either be head to head or he would have surpassed him. So imagine what a big deal it is, that Jimin is doing so well right now and he didn't even get that huge company support.

US album sales were 3K according to Billboard, thats like 30k singles. China did 800k 😱 Asia loves V. US however, which is where it counts for Billboard, do not. Billboard sabotaged all Asians after Jimin won, which means if JK hadn't go10 radio play he never would have won. So, without radio play, V was never going to get that number 1. Those who aren't dillusional already knew this. So we aren't surprised

#ask shaz #bts ask #jimin is king #bts #jimin face #jungkook seven #v layover #jimin #jungkook #jikook #power couple

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crushthecore · 24 days

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MINOR BTW

Hey so I impulsively decided to make this blog for the purpose of making friends and uhh idk where to start do I just put my interests out there and people pop out of nowhere,^^`π¢√|ππ`°€°€ Anyways soo at the time it's 2am, so bare with me, sorry if some things are grammatically wrong or/and don't make sense, I know all of this has a bunch of errors. Kinda rushed through this all..:D

Uhh

Here's an interest board🙏 this contains like the music I like, movies, and stuff,,,tbh I have some shit in here that I haven't watched cuz of my lazy ass but I really want to, does it count😞 i am interested in it

If I'm being honest some of these aren't really my current interests, or I'm just rusty in my knowledge abt em, but I haven't been interested in some things for awhile so it would be boring if I had only a few things in there soo (I barely do anything with my life but sleep. I don't even watch shows anymore, ikik boring I'm trying to convince my mom to buy me the CSM manga at the moment though. I'll have something to yap abt, maybe.🙏🙏)

EDIT: looking back at this I forgot to include some other stuff that I'm also interested in but I forgot abt it at the time of making this... anywho I'll make an updated interest post or something if I'm motivated enough 2 do it

!! Some extra stuff that may be useful to know, to you knowww know what you're getting into. 🤔:3

Ahem ahem, I have social anxiety which means I most likely won't text you first unless I really really force myself too or/and I really like you and think you are very cool. So if u wanna be friends with me, using the anon question option thingy would be a nice first step. :D

I get attached extremely fast uhhh🤔🤔yea, oh and I'm extremely clingy so if someone texting you every 30 minutes (or minute, jkjk) sounds like a no go, than I'm not a good fit to be your friend.^_^ BUT. I also have my times where I feel like talking to no one so uhhhsidnjddj. I have no life so that's what probably contributes to me being attached to someone, maybe, probably...😇 (dumbass)

MY TIME ZONE: PDT (Pacific Daylight Time)

BEWAREE⚠️I sometimes joke around meanly so let me know if that ain't your thing, also I SOMETIMES get a little tooooo sentimental so I should probably stop playing around like that but I'll let you know if you passed a limit. Also I don't think I joke around very mean, but just to be safe. Please don't let this be a turn off. 🙏 Some examples of the jokes I may make are like "kys" and uhm yea. My minds kinda blank right now I'm getting a little tired, but my jokes consist of suicide, bombing places I don't like(school) and some other ones.So idk if it's heavilyyy offensive humor but some people don't take a liking to it so I thgouht it would be imporant to add

I feel like writing down a whole DNI list is gonna be uhh time consuming, will it take a long timr??? Some that I can name on the top of my head rn are proshippers, homophobes, and transphobes. But anyways I'll just block you if you're weird weird (in a bad way) so like age regrresors, (SFW) furries, witches, emos, oher co ol people i hsve forggteten, PLEAESRETEGD let me be ur friend 😞

I'm 14 btw,, the age range I'm aiming to become friends with is 13-16

Idk if I'd be down to be friends with people younger than 13 or older than 16, we'll see. 🤷🤷 But 13-16 people PLEASEEe INTERACT.

I'm not even kidding I'm so desperate for social interaction blehdhdhhd, I hate being an introverted socially anxious loser🤬🤬/hj :3 but please guys🙏🙏 I will worship the ground you walk on I need some friends

ONE. LASTM THING. When I talk to someone new I usually talk, uhh, formally??? Kind of, I get anxious talking to others so I'm so sorry if I seem uptight💔 I swear I'll warm up after some time, the more consistent the interactions, the faster I get used to you and warm up^^

I feel like I'm forgetting to write something else uhh, I'll update if anything important comes to my mind later, maybe (sorry for the messy formatting btw I lost all my progress when I was trying to make it pretty so I just gave up)

Well this is going to be embarrassing if this doesn't have any results errmmfjfjfjjffi I had been contemplating on doing this for awhile, praying to God at least one person reaches out 🙏🙏

I don't even believe in that mf ☹️

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