#Because i really dont believe you can just will yourself out of that hole i really think the enviroment is like 99% of it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

sporesgalaxy · 3 months

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I know this is something u were probably asked before but as the guy that has a good relationship with art....how do you do that??? I mean I get that this question is vague but how do you not care if it looks bad? Do you just?? Keep on going till it looks like you want it to look? Despite the agonies? You seem like you enjoy talking abt this thats why im asking, dont feel the need to answer if u dont wanna

hmmmm. You know, I don't think about the agonies much these days. But it's not that I don't care. I guess I've become a freak who sees beauty in the agonies, sorta? It's kind of complicated! I will do my best to explain!

First of all, I know that I have the unfair advantage of having no ambition. I don't have a goal for my art besides making art when I feel like it. That makes it easy to be less judgemental-- I remember having a rockier relationship to my own art during the time when I thought I would make it my career.

This is why I like talking about my perspective, though!! I think it's important to try not to let yourself be consumed by self-criticism as an artist, even if self-criticism is necessary for you, and hopefully my carefree way of looking at things can help balance things out haha.

Anyways, ambition or not-- and I know how this sounds but bear with me-- art doesn't ever look bad.

(Barring ethically harmful art, ugh, I don't want to get into ethics so just-- surely you know what I mean!!!)

Art gets a lot less stressful if you can tell yourself that no art is bad, and remember the reasoning behind that until you really believe it. It isn't a fast process, but it's very worth the work.

The truth is that art either looks how you want it to look, or it looks different from the way you want it to look, but both are ultimately neutral. You CAN make art that looks different from what you wanted, that you still feel pleased with.

When art looks different from how you wanted, the gut reaction you have is often to call it bad or get frustrated. And of course it's frustrating! Maybe you feel it's not as effective at communicating something as you'd hoped, or you feel it's not as visually impactful as you imagined...but it's important to remember those things are only your perception. Not an objective fact. And art is a two-way street! A communication between creator and observer! And communication is really weird and complicated.

•••

Other people's perception of your work won't ever be exactly the same as yours. Sometimes this is desireable and sometimes it isn't! Maybe your art will communicate the thing better to someone than anything they've ever seen-- even if a more effective version could theoretically exist, the "imperfect" version that actually exists and communicates is all that matters to the observer. Or, maybe a feature that turned out exactly how you wanted it to will fly completely over an observer's head, and not have the effect you wanted at all. A lot of the time, you'll never even know.

An artist can NEVER fully control an observer's perspective, so at a certain point you have to live with what you have. You already do this, to some degree, if you have ever EVER decided to stop working on a piece of art and share it. You can always keep adding to something. You can always keep editing. But sometimes, you stop. And perfection doesn't exist, so when you stop it must be because the art is good enough for now. And nothing about "good enough" is objective!

And is that really so bad? Surely people who grow fruit understand that a fruit which is smaller than they imagined can still feed somebody-- that at the very least it will feed bugs and microorganisms and be useful as fertilizer to grow more apples. Your art still means something, still accomplishes something, is still worth making whether it turns out how you imagined or not.

A lot of art is learning when to quit and move on. As a habitual perfectionist, this was something I had to learn early, to stop myself from erasing holes into every piece of paper I drew on.

There's this rule I was taught in middle school drama class: if you fuck up, act like you didn't fuck up. The audience doesn't have your script memorized, so odds are they won't have any idea you fucked up unless you tell them. Other art works the same way. No one knows what you wanted to make but you. And more importantly, a "perfect" version of your art doesn't exist (no "perfect" version of anyone's art exists, or ever will).

The version you made exists, so you have to find what's worth loving about that version. You have found what's worth loving in the imperfect art of others many times. Many observers will treat your art the same way you treat others' art. Why not treat your own art that way, too?

It sounds really REALLY corny, but I try not to think of this as embracing "mistakes." I think of it as celebrating coincidences.

I really really like coincidences. I like that every circumstance wasn't guaranteed to happen, that everything comes down to chance. I think all the little random things are beautiful because they turned out however they did, and not any of the millions of other ways things might have turned out. It's a coincidence that my genes expressed the way they did. It's a coincidence that my parents met in college. It's a coincidence that my oldest friend and I both got to middle school early every day, and stayed close even when we didn't share any classes.

Art is full of coincidences! I try to draw a straight line. The line does not turn out straight, because of the way my hand is shaped and the way my muscles contracted, because my body is not exactly like anyone else's in the world. No one else would have drawn that slightly not-straight line just exactly how I did. It's mine, and it's crookedness is what makes my art mine. Okay, maybe it's a little too crooked for what I want this time-- I'll erase it and draw a new crooked line at a bit of a different angle. There we go, I like that! Now it's my beautiful, irreplaceable crooked line! And the ghost of its predecessor guides the eye just so, and no one else's two crooked lines would guide your eye the same way, only mine! Isn't that nice on its own? Just to have made something that can't ever be replicated? To have made something no one else has ever made before?

You can also apply this in a bit less dreamy and more practical ways, I promise haha.

For example...I've never been a canvas flipper, as a digital character artist. I don't mirror my canvases to see if they still look preportional to me from either direction. I also don't usually draw visual novel character sprites that need to look good mirrored in either direction to serve their function, so it's never been a practical concern of mine.

I consider many kinds of distortion on a character I've drawn to be a good part of the visual flow of the image. Like a smear frame in animation, distoriton in the right places can make character art look dynamic and energized because it can lead the eye through a certain visual flow over the form of the character. If I were to flip the canvas, that eye-leading effect might hit differently because my American eye is used to reading from left to right-- perhaps it doesn't feel as "smooth" going in the opposite direction. This doesn't mean I need to change the distortion necessarily, it just means I prefer not to flip the canvas.

Often, these distortions aren't intentional. They're a coincidence of how my muscles move as I draw, and the areas my left-to-right American eyeballs instinctively pay more attention to. But the effect is still desireable to me. So, happy coincidence!

I think...that's the best I've got for now? Feel free to ask for clarification. I hope it's not total nonsense!

#asks #art tips

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arthurtaylorlester · 6 months

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RETURN OF THE KING: MALEVOLENT LIVEBLOG EPISODE 37 THE FARM

spoilers (you already know)

back at it with some humming!

JOHN MY BELOVED !!!! youre so bitchy i love him

HES SO PETTY HELP

harpers hill mention omg (harpers hill hijinks coming soon)

“MY BOOK HMPH 😤” girl 😭😭

“i didnt realise” yes because you cant see and john is like really really dumb

it kills me that john is bitching about oscar not finding anything but like what information have you contributed in the last 3 episodes

ive missed bullying john

malevolent is a comedy and i will stand by that

mmm rain sounds

HYPNOS GREEK GOD MENTION ‼️

“can you imagine hahah” yes i can it was the best arc of the show send tweet

well you havent seen his face

whys john being so quiet all of a sudden?

OH WHAT THEFUCK I SAW RHIS COMING

“i suppose ill just watch again” SOMEONE IS A JEALOUS GIRL

arthur ignoring john….. the girls are going to DIVORCE

“not you sorry ^_^” and then he goes back to ignoring john?? girl

oh wait that was very sweet

WHAT THE FUCK I JUST TOOK ABDHDNFN

sorry arthur speaking to john like that just destroyed me

I TRUST YOU AND YOUR MY FRIEND??? IM NOT TRYING TO IGNORE YOU?? THEYRE COMMUNICATING A

“its not because i dont care 💛” “…yes?” oscar this isnt about you

poor guy though he must be so confused

arthurs tone changes so much when he speaks to john

someone get john a pair of glasses either that or he was too busy daydreaming to see the turnoff

oh of course john would want to split off because he hasnt ever seen a horror movie arthur if you die then it’s your fault for not showing him the movie 🙄

“we might have to sleep in the car” okayyyy

oh so now john wants to give him info because he deserves to know

aaaand now he doesnt want to tell him. we love a hypocritical king !!!

return of the canadian sourry

you dont need to sound so smug that he looks hurt john 😭😭

okay oscar love the existential crisis while reading very relatable

is he gonna say arthur is his purpose

oh for fucks sake

NOT THE SOFT “oscar”

ok oscar is def into arthur and arthur saying “i don’t believe in god” is like rejection. this is how unrequited blindfaith can still win.

also god believes in you? well john and kayne sure seem to believe in him for what its worth

oscar nooo dont devote yourself to arthur that never ends well

john i dont care about oscar either but you have got to stop laying it on so think jfc

john the undefeated more like john the opportunist

“woAH” same john same

oooh so john can see auras now basically?

what monster are we gonna find in the barn 👀

oh that sounds fun actually though /j

AWW I KNEW HE WAS GONNA ASK IF HE WAS OK

ok i love how prominent the dreamlands are this episode i was just thinking about how good it was

john just wants his alone time with arthur because he cant answer his questions

“i need another set of eyes” thats like the one thing john can do it must be kinda sad to like, not be able to fully do the one thing you used to be great at

“ *gasp* a forgotten one :0” john dont act like you know what that means

hey is john a forgotten one then. is he. is he though.

can everyone except arthur feel the weirdness of places

NOT THE MUSIC BOX MUSIC IN THE BACKGROUND HARLAN WHEN ARE YOU GIVING US AN OST PLEASE IM BEGGIN YOU

ITS MIDNIGHT DONT GO IN THE FUCKING BASEMENT ITS RAINING YOURE BEING CHASED BY AN EDLRITCH THING

john its ok if you didnt see it you dont need to justify yourself ❤️‍🩹

john sounds almost scared to go in the basement lol

the stairs are gonna give out at a later date im calling it

what could possibly happen in the last 15 minutes

a door ajar omg is that a wtnv reference

did arthur almost die by getting crushed by a bunch of furniture

oh a barricade i know what this is about

oh happy halloween btw guys

OSCAR JUMPSCARE

my honest reaction too john

what… what did you just sink into….

oh hole in roof, cool

arthur pay attention oscar hes gonna set hjmself on fire on accident

the jarthur was too busy analysing the painting to pay attention to oscar

OH GODDAMIT ARTHRJ WHAT THE FUCK JOHN WHAT THE DAGGER? THE ONE HE SLIT HIS THROAT WITH

oh he wants to cut it off ok

jfc 7 minutes oh no

I CALLED THE STAIRS CAVING IN

GUYS HE WAS READING THE BOOK OFC HE KNOWS

question: how strong is arthur physically

“A TOWEL!” “A TOWEL?” as i said a comedy

WE GOT A “WELL DONE ORTHUR” LETS GO

you know its weird that i can handle this fine but couldnt deal with the michael torture in the woe.begone finale

NO ARTHUR ITS NOT OK

HES ISNT GOING TO MAKE IT

oh ok hes fine sort of ok

the music goes so hard again

that arthur was so scared

ok the arms alive run

or get john to arm wrestle it idk

“what thE fUCK WHAT THE FUCK” my daily vocabulary

and oscar was right :)

RUN YOU IDIOTS

arthur you could at least carry him instead of dragging him that poor poor man

i find it amusing that this mostly happened because of jarthur studying a painting and ignoring the man currently in possession of their braincells

indeed what do we do now

and thats a wrap! oh boy what an episode i have THOUGTHTS (oscar is not surviving this)

i know like maybe 2 people read this type of posts but i enjoy making and reading them back. so if youd like me to keep going with these i will :)

#malevolent #malevolent podcast #unhinged aromantics #arthur lester #john doe #john malevolent #arthur malevolent #malevolent john #malevolent arthur #oscar malevolent #malevolent oscar #malevolent spoilers #mr scratch #malevolent part 37

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beesmygod · 5 months

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Referring to your additional last post where I believe you are saying that exhausting yourself with tricky social media is not worth the effort as you will be in the same spot you "began" - I would like to know if you feel satisfied with the balance of your output and the response. I always told myself that if I ever make anything that supposedly would interest some people I have yet to meet that I would be satisfied and would be able to do it for just the joy of friends. But I have befallen ill to the call of clout, the lack of numbers having deemed my art worthless and I know many artists quit due to it. I have friends/associates who keep their heads up until in a bad moment they break and lament that they are not where others (popular artists with big clout and opportunity) are. Did you manage to free yourself from that? Or are you supressing it and turn out stronger than most? Because from the looks of everything you are exceptionally strong. I hope your relationship with your art and comic will be met with the same strength. (Apologies for going on Anon - I do not know how to communicate with people nowadays)

no need to apologize for any of this, ever. honestly, it's a difficult to breach subject and a prods at raw nerve that every artist has to tend to at LEAST once at some point. and i think you would have to be superhuman not to feel this complex mixture of contradictory emotions and grapple with it frequently. you want to be seen and heard because that's what art is. why deny the truth: artists crave a sympathetic audience!

remember that you're a human person. you're complex and contradictory by nature; you contain multitudes. you can want multiple things at the same time. it's not a crime to yearn or to express frustration with feeling invisible or underappreciated. i just did this for a week straight lol. i think part of an artistic career is having to face some of this head-on and interrogate yourself. feel the bad feelings. get rejected over and over. it is a career comprised of constant rejection for nearly everyone. and it's extremely hard to put on a happy face and jump back in day after day.

and look, sometimes you lose the battle with yourself for your soul. give yourself the grace when you realize you have. try and learn from it. or don't. it dont mattah. none a dis mattahs

when it comes to numbers, you have to ask yourself: what number will make you happy? when will it be enough to satisfy you? this sounds really confrontational lol but imagine im asking these like "where do you see yourself in the next 10 years?". it's worth interrogating. you do not want to fall into the pit of trying to fill a hole with numbers.

i am absolutely not free of it. not even close. i am shocked to hear that i appear strong given how i feel and behave on any given day. its just a combination of avoidance, suppression, and keeping expectations low. the mantra is: you cannot be rejected if you don't apply, emotional outbursts are like blood in the water to people who dislike you, and expect to be ignored; if you aren't then it's a pleasant surprise.

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hogtiedwhore2 · 3 months

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my cuckquean journey

if you have followed me for some time, you may have noticed how over the past year cuckquean has slipped more and more into my blog. this is a kink, if you asked me a couple years ago, i would not have been into. that was until @dirty-nerd-83 decided the role of a cuckquean was best for me. when he first brought it up to me, i wasnt too excited about it. i wasnt sure i would enjoy watching someone else fuck my owner. also i considered myself straight at the time. i had some experience on here chatting with some lovely ladies, but it was mostly for fun, or so i thought. i tried to pushback on it, but as a vip of mine he had the right to choose for me. edging to cuckquean material was my future. i remember even asking him to allow me to keep it a secret, which he allowed.

for the next few months he would send me cuckquean related material on here, every day, and more and more i found myself edging to them. to the point, he wasnt even telling me to edge, i was doing it on my own. along with the posts, he was having me do cuckquean training on my own. sometimes edging to porn as if i was the person watching. other times i would have to kneel by my bed, have porn on my phone playing, imagining the act was happening in the bed. i wasnt allowed to touch myself, i just had to kneel there with no satisfaction. at the time, i didnt really know what was happening, but it was training and conditioning.

the conditioning paid off because i got tired of just imagining this all, i wanted to try it for real. thats when i asked my owner about the possibility of bringing someone in to be the cuckcake. i did this without @dirty-nerd-83 telling me to do it. he showed me the rabbit hole and now i was the one jumping in. it took about 6 months for my owner to find the right person for the job. he was extremely picky about it, and to be honest finding someone that is ok with our lifestyle...not the easiest thing to do. but it worked out well and we found Mistress Katie who has been amazing, and is settling in the role well.

the whole point of this post is to give @dirty-nerd-83 a public acknowledgement for corrupting me. i 100% did not think it would stick, and that it would be a thing of the past soon after starting it. that was not the case, and in the end he fully corrupted me into being a bi sexual cuckquean. i would like to thank him, he awoke a part of me that i didnt think existed. he was right, and i was wrong.

(side note - i also dont want this to come off like im saying your sexuality is a choice. i dont believe that to be the case, but i think its something that can be discovered about yourself)

#dirtynerd83 #cuckquean #mistress katie #my owner #corruption

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nrdmssgs · 4 months

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Golden days of winter

Masterlist

Hurt/Comfort/Fluff

Summary: Christine 'Riot' Vega (belongs to @gamergirlbonestaskforce141riot) has a little vacation and Nikolai and Olga 'Zhar' Samoilova show her St. Petersburg.

TW: Description of a panic attack.

AN: This may be out of character for Riot, but I really wanted to talk about the fear of loss and old wounds, that will never heal completely. Christine is not a crybaby - she is just facing one of her worst pains. And it's a songfic. Meeting @gamergirlbonestaskforce141riot is one of the best things happened to me this year and I wanted to express my gratitude for her. I dont know, how much it hurts, but Im always here for you, when it does.

youtube

When Nikolai asked Riot, when would she like to see his hometown – she didn’t hesitate for a minute.

“January! The very start of it, please!”

Christine was ready for Nik to deny such a wish, since it was one of the coldest, harshest times to visit St. Petersburg. But he just smiled mysteriously and typed in something in his smartphone. A few months later, one evening, when Riot returned to her room on the base, she found a fresh bouquet and an envelope on her desk.

“Crazy man,” she murmured under breath, pulling a ticket from an envelope with a small sun scribbled on it.

***

So now here she is, dragging Nikolai towards yet another sculpture in the next hall of the Hermitage museum.

"Nik, look! It's Diane, the Goddess of the hunt! Oh, I was her biggest fan back when I was still a kid!" Her breath is uneven from constant chatting, laughing and pulling quite a big guy after her, but Christine doesn't care. She is thriving on every moment here.

"And look at you now - you could take that lady down in any challenge." Nikolai rests his chin on the top of her head, hoping to slow her down, but it's useless - Riot already has top ten her favorite facts about Diane ready.

He naively believed, he has to be Christine's guide here, but that was before she crossed a threshold of the first hall. A few hours in, this little ray of sunshine was still full of energy and didn't want to stop even for a brief pause.

"Gonna have to explain my sudden death to Olga and Price yourself, little one. Do you ever get tired? " Grumbled Nik on their way to the next sculpture.

"C'mon, old bones, one more hall and you're getting a beer. My treat!" She chuckles, watching as Nikolai forgets about his sudden weariness.

***

Start of the year is a bad time. The dark one, the too loud and incense one. The time to clutch her teeth and just endure through.

But not when Nikolai's around.

Because with him, Christine can let herself be small again. Jump around him and start snowball fights, laugh so load, as if they are alone on the street, or get tired in the middle of a huge square and be sure, he'd gladly lift her up and carry around. It was a tad strange feeling, but a good one - go back to her childhood in this strange place.

This is a strange-strange place. It snows almost always, but snowflakes do not descend to the ground separately from each other - instead, large but weightless lumps of snow fall on her shoulders and rest on her eyelashes. When locals demonstrate their hospitality – they try to shake her hand, not switching from familiar to them death stares even for a second. She knew that people here are not very accustomed to constant smiling, but the expressions she saw here so far reminded her of times when Simon had to calm Johnny down by force.

This place smells of cold fur, fancy fragrances, and old rusted exhaust pipes. It tastes like a bitter liquor, you snitched from your grannies drawer. It sounds like homeless dogs’ bark and intricate piano symphonies. It is so otherworldly.

There's a huge hole, sucking in all the joy, waiting for Christine in every January. It's a hungry animal with myriads of dirty fangs and claws, it sleeps somewhere deep behind her reflection, caught at a bathroom mirror in the middle of the night. It waits to remind her of something, she never forgot.

But Nikolai is always there to help her fight this creature. As soon as he sees a shadow of sorrow in her eyes - he puts his glass of beer back on the bar counter and opens his arms, already knowing, how good his embrace scares the creature off.

"Talk to me, little one. Let's remember some good stuff, that you're thankful for, yes? Something from the last year." Nik murmurs softly, as Riot presses her face further against his chest.

The first thought she gets sounds awkward, but she is so desperate to draw her own attention away from bitter memories, that her mouth vocalizes it almost automatically.

"That Slaughter to prevail T, you got me, was nice. I'm thankful for that."

"Solnyshko*, I’m flattered, that my gift is a more highlight, than all your operations with Price and meeting Si-" Nikolai is being cut off by a friendly but firm poke. He immediately shuts his mouth and listens to Riots further memories, patting her back softly.

"... and of course, i'm thankful for you being back with us after the capture and all. Now your turn!" Christine pull away and sit back on her chair.

Nikolai speaks about the things, he is thankful for so casually, as if he is retelling his shopping list. He draws a little invisible line with his finger on Riots hand every time, he 'checks out' another point. He remembers everything: from meeting Riot, to helping 141 with every single 'incident' they had this year. The list goes on and on, until it ends with an unsettling "and the last thing, I'm thankful for is that my love is still around."

Christine's mouth falls open under the mask. Somehow, the beast, they two were trying to banish is now so close, she almost feels its breath in her hair.

"You had a fight? You let Olga, my Olga, down?... W-why?" Normally Riot is much calmer about her friends having their ups and downs with their beloved ones. Life happens, and she knows, that a good couple is not the one, that never fights, but the one, where the two are always willing to talk things through even after a fight.

But when it comes to Nikolai and Olga - it hits harder. Christine can't even explain this, but she needs these two to be together. They are like a pier to her, a solid cutwater, that withstands everything. And them not being happy with each other would mean, that something is very wrong with this world.

"No-no-no, solnyshko, no fights between us, never. We are too old to waste our time on that." Nikolai smiles innocently, as if they were speaking about some funny incident. "Its hard to explain, you see-"

"Ty snegurochka?*" A thin childish voice and a small hand that tentatively touched Christine’s sleeve made her shudder. She looked back and met bright blue eyes, looking at her with the same admiration with which she ran through the halls of the museum just an hour ago. A boy, not older, than seven. Dark hair, sticking out in a different direction from under the hat, a little face full of ave.

Riot was absolutely lost and didn't even understand, what the boy asked her about, but Nikolai was there to help her.

"Da, nastoyashaya snegurochka. Ty uzhe podarok poluchil?*" He started talking to a boy, smiling widely. The child nodded and looked back on Christine with a pure exitement.

"Vot teper` nado khorosho sebya vesti ves` god, chtobu snegurochka peredala tebe podarok na sleduyshiy Noviy God. Poidem iskat` roditelei, otdadim im obratno khoroshego mal`chika." Nikolai stood up, took boys hand in his and walked with him further in to the reastaurant, looking for childs parents.

Riot knew Russian to some extent, but when it was spoken that fast - she could understand only the topic of conversation and not the fine details. So when Nik came back alone and congratulated Christine with becoming a Snow maiden in boys eyes - she still was confused.

"A what maiden?"

"The "Snegurochka". Here we tell children stories about a beautiful young girl made of snow or ice. Her origins vary across different versions of the story, but generally, she is believed to be the daughter of Winter and a spirit of winter and frost. She's often depicted as beautiful as you. A-a-a-and you've got wet eyes once again..." Nikolai helped Riot into her jacket and started wrapping a scarf around her. He insisted on doing it every time, they were heading out, because according to him, Nik knew better, how to keep a little thing like her all warm and cozy even in Russian winter.

"Why are you having such sweet kids here?" Christine was sniffing, but did her best to not start crying.

"You should have seen me, when I was that small. Oh no, wait, you shouldnt - I was a little demon." Nikolai opens the door and takes her back to the cold streets.

***

They are back in their apartments only in the evening. Nikolai proceeds to tear Zhar off her work laptop and Christine goes to her place next door to warm up in a hot shower and write Simon, how her day went.

They have two apartments on the last floor of an old building rented. Riot can see Nikolais apartment from a window in her kitchen. She doesn't even try to peek on what is going there, but sometimes, especially in the evening, she catches a glance at their happy and cozy life. One of them is usually still working, when the other is slowly drifting to sleep on a couch. These simple scenes warm Riots heart.

But when shes back from the shower to her kitchen to warm up some cocoa, something is different - Olga is sitting on the windowsill and enthusiastically looking at something on the screen of her laptop, while Nikolai is nowhere to be seen. She notices Christine and calls her with a gesture to their apartments.

Riot smiles, but something makes her feel uneasy. Maybe it's that unfinished conversation with Nik, maybe the goddamned creature awakens once more. In any case, she quickly dresses and within a few minutes knocks on the next door.

"Hey, you want to blow shit up?" Not the most common greeting, Christine ever heard, and one of the last things, she awaits to hear from Olga.

"Always!" Riot grins wide and hugs Zhar. "What and when?"

"Enemy warehouses." Olga touches the keyboard and the laptop monitor comes to life, showing a broadcast of aerial footage taken from a drone. "Now."

Riot comes closer and her eyes widen.

"Wait a min- Thats not a simple combat drone..." She never forgets, that Nik and Zhar have a whole private army, but still such a warbird makes quite an impression.

"My man spoils me, I know." Olga lands on a couch and pulls Christine down, so that she almost falls on her. "But what's the fun of playing with these toys alone?"

Riot listens to the details of the operation Olga is commanding. The two of them have to wait for the signal from the Chimera men and launch the warhead, waiting for its moment on the drone. 'Easy endorphins', as Zhar says.

When the right moment comes - Olga pushes the laptop towards Christine, letting her hit the final command button. Riot smiles so wide, as if she's five again and it's her birthday. She pushes the button and mutters 'ka freakin boom, baby'. The warehouse blows beautifully - as if Christine planted an enormous flower of fire and smoke and now it blooms widely.

"You're a menace, Christine 'Riot' Vega." Olga plants a small kiss on the top of Riots head and lifts from the couch.

"And you guys love me for that," throws Christine, still watching the aftermath of an explosion.

Zhar makes a few calls and throws her winter coat on.

"Ok, love, I'm going to the café across the street to grab a coffee, you'd fancy one too?"

Riot nods and turns back when Olga is already on threshold, leaving the flat. She notices, that her friend, unlike her, is barely clothed for such a cold weather. But when Christine calls Olga - it's too late, and she is left alone.

Riot closes the laptop and puts it away. Suddenly her friends' apartment feels too big, too cold and empty. She looks around, stands and walks to the door to their bedroom. She already knows, Nik is not there, but she knocks nevertheless. Nobody responds and a light shiver runs down Riots spine. Suddenly her head feels flooded with unsettling questions. Like 'where is Nikolai?', or 'why is Olga leading this operation alone?'. And then another question pops up.

What did happen between them? What is so complicated, even Nikolai, can't find the right words to describe it?.

Christine pats a sweater left on a chair - its Nikolais, she recognizes it. But the overwhelming feeling of loneliness and fear only grows stronger with every next second - no matter how hard Christine tries to switch her attention to anything else.

"Come on, it's nothing. Everything is fine, Olgas going to be back soon." Riot hisses to herself, while her hand automatically grabs onto Niks sweater.

The world around starts turning, then blinks and goes to black. A deafening noise mixed with the pounding of her own heart hits her ears. She loses count of minutes, gets lost in space and barely breathes, trembling like a leaf on a wind.

It all ends as abruptly as it started. The first thing, Christine sees are giant snowflakes descending on her. Then she notices Olgas face right before her. At last, she looks down and sees Nikolais sweater, that she clings to with all her strength.

"Christine, love, look at me! Look at me, my little one! It's ok, everything's ok, you're safe." Its strange to hear Zhar calling her little one. Riot looks around and finally understands, that they are standing in their court: it snows and it is dark, they are alone, two steaming paper cups stand next to them. Olga covered Riots shoulders with her winter coat and massages her cheeks to help the blood flow.

"I... You left so fast, and I was scared, you get cold, and Nikolai was nowhere. I-I.." Christine feels her cheeks turning warm with tears.

"I lost someone very dear once. The most dear! I lost them in January. I-I cant lose you too, please! Please, Olya!" She doesn't even care anymore, if that is oversharing. Her beast, her hungry nightmare, is hard on her heels and she will anything to fight it away - even if it means showing her vulnerability to her. So she goes on, forgetting the cold and the tears, rolling down her face.

"I need you both. You and Nikolai. Together. Please! Never leave him! Please! If he ever does something stupid - punch him or come to me and I will punch him. Just don't part ways! I need you both! I can't lose you!"

Zhars face is growing from worried to understanding. She listens intensely and nods slowly.

"Love, I am staying with this man for as long as he would have me. And I'm with you forever. I promise, you won't lose us. Ever. We will follow your steps." Riot keeps sniffing, but catches every word, leaving her friend's lips.

Zhar hugs her and starts rocking them both back and forth slowly, humming some melody, Christine never heard. And as she does that - the beast slowly leaves Riot alone, no shame or regret litter her heart. All the sad things are getting covered with a snow, which doesn't feel so cold anymore.

Solnyshko (here and further Russian) - Sunshine

Ty snegurochka? - Are you a snow maiden?

Da, nastoyashaya snegurochka. Ty uzhe podarok poluchil? - Yes, its the snow maiden. Have you got your New Years gift already?

Vot teper` nado khorosho sebya vesti ves` god, chtobu snegurochka peredala tebe podarok na sleduyshiy Noviy God. Poidem iskat` roditelei, otdadim im obratno khoroshego mal`chika. - Now you have to behave, so that snow maiden brings you a gift on the next New Years Eve. Lets go find your parents and give them back their good boy.

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friendlymathematician · 9 months

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Genuine question: How do you overcome the feeling/idea that you're inherently bad at STEM because you're a woman?

OK so i grew up with an older brother (older by 1 year) and my mom always pushed him to do better at maths & physics especially because he showed interest in computer science, when it came to me she'd always say "oh dont bother with that, your brother is better at that stuff" " that stuff is too hard just pick something easy"... even though i got better grades than him, and she always encouraged him to perform better in school because she 100% believed he could amount to smth great, whereas she'd just say "well this is just what you're capable of" whnever i got a bad grade. She literally would say "you just don't have the brains for it"

I don't resent my brother, he always pushed me to do better and get better grades, he encouraged me to pick the hardest like "field" during high school. My dad would always nurture my love of physics and science in general, and he would say "i dont want you to be limited, just work hard".

But the way my mom treated me still affected me i think, sometimes i find myself still genuinely believing men are better than me just because theyre men.

I figured you could give some advice since youre in STEM yourself ?

oh, this is difficult. i have similar stories, although a different family dynamic. in my case, i was told (by my mother) that i was only good at things because i worked hard, while my brother was simply naturally good at them. now, you could argue this is a good thing (growth mindset and so on), but there are two issues that arise. first, most stem fields have some level of a genius cult. being effortlessly good at them is what you're supposed to do, while working hard is not enough unless you have the genius too. this is especially pronounced in maths/physics/computer science. second, the "you're only good at it because you work hard" hits very different when you're not actually working hard.

i think it can be partly ameliorated by surrounding yourself with women (take classes with female instructors, look for active "women in x" groups and activities, make an effort to be friends with other women who also like stem). another thing that helps is to be able to point at actual accomplishments when the doubt creeps in. these can be either from your education (yes, you did do really well in that analysis class) or informal accomplishments (from working with your field as a hobby).

i do think a lot of the advantage males have in stem classes is that they're encouraged to obtain these informal accomplishments already as teenagers, which both give them some knowledge and experience you can't get from formal instruction and give them personal "wins" to point to when things get difficult. so pick up amateur radio, or try your hand at building an app, or solve project euler problems, or see how many different kinds of frog species you can find. there's this pop-psych idea that you build confidence in the abstract and then accomplishments follow, but i'm entirely convinced it's the other way around. confidence comes from doing things. spending 20 hours trying to figure out how to set up a pi-hole in your apartment (even if 18 of those hours are spent doing it wrong) builds a lot more confidence in your abilities with computers than spending 20 hours trying to convince yourself that you're just as capable as a man.

anyone else want to chime in with tips for anon?

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meatsex · 8 months

Text

its suicide awareness week (in the states at least) in fact, it ends right on my birthday this saturday (which stings on a personal level), i feel like to some degree its my duty to make some kind of insight about this considering its been a struggle for me this year and that ive been making it a struggle for others by posting about it here, but realistically i dont know what to say

im not asking for pity with this post, i just need to let out some of it, and in a way apologize for all the times i have scared people with how i can get when im in "the hole":

this year has been hard, a lot of things have happened, mostly internal realizations, but also small daily negative things that began to slowly deteriorate me to a breaking point. i began to externalize my feelings more in my art, at the cost of feeling embarassment and fear of being shunned or laughed at, but in return i have also found that it brings comfort to others, and that makes me happy. ive been trying to be more open about my issues, to be able to ask for help, but its also been hard, people dont take anything seriously, you arr selfish for wanting to kill yourself, you are an attention seeker for hurting yourself, you are just some jobless loser, these are the kind of things ive experienced and see others be told, it hurts a lot, my head hurts a lot right now, because even if im not hurting at this moment, in a way ive been hurting the entire year, and even some more time.

its not anyone's duty to help someone that really needs it, its complicated, its frustrating, no one is ever fully prepared for it, im not sure if i would be, but at least for me (because this is about me personally) even just checking in once means a lot.

even among others with the same struggles, i feel distant and less, undeserving of help, and i have even tried to push away from my life the people that have tried to help me, "they are going to get so mad they will stop trying", its a scary thought, the less people around you, the easier and closer becomes the choice of going through with it, once others have no emotional links to you, you are unstoppable, or at least thats how i imagine it.

i think the thing that has hurt me the most is finding out feeling this way isn't the normal way to be, that not everyone in the world lives life thinking "i want to kill myself so bad", it was so alienating, it made me realize just how bad my situation can get, and in how much denial ive been my entire life.

"my issues arent real" "im a faker because i dont cut myself" "someone else has it worse so i shouldnt complain", its still hard to push away these thoughts, in all honesty i still believe all of them, but im trying to listen to people both on a friends level to outright my therapist, when they tell me that they are in fact very real.

theres no happy note to end this post on, at least not right now, just some bittersweet statements, because even if im fine right now, i know ill go back to it, in fact, maybe ill never "heal" from it, but if i can keep my head above water with the help i get when i need it, then i think thats okay, and if you could try and do the same for someone else, even if its scary, even if you feel like you are not helping, even if it feels like they only want you to go away, well, i think that might be enough for that person.

#ill probably go back and edit this a million times but right now my head hurts

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bwobgames · 1 year

Text

Previous First

"... I have made a decision"

"Yeah?"

"You asked me before, remember? Of what I think about the law?"

"Yeah? You said something about fairness"

"I did.

Ángel you are not being fair, to me or yourself.

This place could keep us aging forever, yes.

But we won't be alive"

"Uh, you're using synonyms"

"I'm not

You know why Coli died?"

"Because we pushed him out the window?"

"Well, I pushed him out the window, not us..."

"He was already dead

He was so blinded by the fear of running out of time that he didn't realize all of what he had accomplished during that time. Never taking a second to enjoy it"

"He lived in fear of the clock"

"And now, look at us, look at how far we've made it! All the things we've accomplished! We've survived all these years with no supernatural help!

We are alive! We are living!"

"I understand not wanting to die. believe me, I don't want to go through it again

But what's the point of aging forever if we are trapped here, unable to enjoy everything life has for us?

I'd rather live a short and happy life than an endless stagnant one"

"I mean, C'mon, A man like you, daring and full energy, trapped in this coffin of a house? It's unfair"

"I promised that I'd save you from this place. And I will"

"I can't tell you what will happen tomorrow, or the day after or the day after"

"But I want to find out with you"

"Even if the sky breaks tomorrow, and all stars fall to the earth

If I have you by my side, then it will all be worth it"

"... Aren't you scared? Of running out of time?"

" Yeah, of course.

That's why I want to enjoy it, to use the little time we have here to be happy.

To love my family, my friends, my pet, places, food, Tv shows, everything!

That's what it is all about, Ángel. Can't you see it?"

"I want you to come home with me"

"I want to share the time I have on this earth with you

If it's with you, I can face anything"

"But what about everything that happened? Don't you want to forget it?"

"Well, I certainly don't enjoy the memory of being stabbed

But I really enjoy the memories of you"

"Even if they were bad?"

"That's just how it is, isn't it? This isn't my first time in a deeply traumatic house.

If I could go and erase all the bad memories from my mind, I would be tempted to "

"But not at this cost. This whole night, it's too valuable for me now to forget it"

"Do you understand? I'll stay by your side."

"All the dangers, the uncertainties, the rock bottoms, the bad memories

We'll live through them, hand in hand"

"And we'll be okay"

"We'll see the sunrise"

"I'm sorry for not saving you"

"It was not your fault"

"I'm sorry for not being enough"

"That's just not true"

"...Please don't die again"

"I'll do my best."

"... Do you really want this? Me of all people?"

"Of course"

"We might fight, or have issues"

"So?"

"I want to see the chickens"

"There's duckies too"

"I'd like to see them"

"C'mon, dont you wanna steal something so I can pursue you through some roofs?"

"...Hah, you're even offering crime to cheer me up"

"You can get one crime, a gift from me"

"I'll steal a national treasure"

"I don't doubt it"

They stay like that for a while

"I know I won't automatically change his mind now, and we'll probably have to go through this conversation again.

But that's okay, it's going to be a slow walk out of this hole we've been put through

But we'll get out, mangled and scarred, but out

I can't wait to show him my cat

What is that smell?"

"OH FUCK THE FIRE"

"Wha- THE FIRE!!"

"Quick! Where's the room?!"

"Ah, here here, let's go"

"Why do we keep forgetting the fire?!"

"It's the fire's fault for not being more obvious"

#it was a bad idea to write this with sad music in the background i couldnt see the keyboard because I cry incredibly easily #once i cried because my sims got married do not test me #somwthing something it is better to have loved and lost something something memento mori #something something love its what makes the pain of living worth it #detective beebo

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randomreadingtimewithtsuki · 11 months

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good morning, you box says request are open but if they are not you can ignore . . .

Noé x afab reader who comes from a noble family like the De Sade's but isnt noble-like at all. They just kinda do their own thing. They dress more androgynously and are loud mouthed and sarcastic and aren't ladylike and because of that, they dont get courted very often and get really flustered when Noé courts them.

Hello! Good day, afternoon or morning!

Thank you for requesting!

Please let me know what you think.

Tsuki's note: I wrote in HC format, hope that's ok?

I also took liberty to do some additions, hopefully that's ok.

----------------------------------------------

• You were born in one of the most noble vampire families.

• The only female child to be born, all of your family members around your age were all boys.

• That doesn't mean you weren't close! On the contrary.

• You were always together, playing around the mud, playing wrestling and climbing trees and other high places.

• Those activities were frowned upon when you tried them - you were the little princess, you shouldn't get dirty or hurt or crawl around.

• But you always managed to run away and play around.

• To be more comfortable you took out your cute dresses and wore pants or shorts with a dirty and ripped shirt.

• You met Noé when you were kids.

• You were running around a castle during a party and bumped into him.

• Domi came forward to complain about you running around, but you just shrugged it off and asked if she wanted to climb the tree too.

• Thus you, Noé and Domi were climbing a tree with your cousins.

• You grew up to be a beautiful young lady that despised wearing dresses and skirts.

• You were always seen with shorts or pants, suspenders and a blouse.

• You had your hair short, never passing ear length.

• Many tried to woo you - both because you were gorgeous and because of your status.

• But you always rolled your eyes to them, be it men or women, doesn't matter.

• You always had a stock of sarcastic comments for them.

• Some family members asked if you would be the cat aunt - never marry anyone - it annoyed you a lot.

• Whenever you were upset by those comments, your white haired childhood friend always seemed to have the right words to cheer you up.

• He would say how lovely and gentle you were.

• How he loved your adventurous side and how you stand up for yourself.

• How you would find someone that loved you very much.

• And everytime he said such sweet words you blushed.

• You blushed and sent a snarky comment his way, something like " I could almost believe it if you didn't always had something good to say".

• To your surprise he would always comment how your snarky self had charm too - " see? Even that dry attitude is quite lovely!"

• You scoffed and rolled your eyes, but you had a smile on your face.

• You felt so stupid and small whenever Noé said something sweet and kind to you.

• At moments like those you wished he would scoop you up and take you away.

• That wish made you want to dig up a hole and hide there indefinitely.

• You wondered why he kept babling like that whenever you were put down.

• Little did you know that Noé noticed how happy you got whenever he talked to you.

• He knew that under that husk of sarcasm you had feelings too.

• What he didn't know was that those feelings were pointed towards himself.

• You were told by you cousins to just be honest to your feelings, but you could never bring yourself to say it.

• To say how much you adored being pampered by him and to have his hand holding yours.

• To say how much you hoped he would twirl you around during a party.

• How you wanted to keep him safe from people, people he did not noticed that wanted to hurt him.

• He was that much of a good soul.

• Always looking for the good in people, including you.

---------------------------------------------

Thanks for reading! I feel like this is short and very ooc.

I am sorry. I hope this could at least help a bit?

#vanitas no carte x reader #noé vnc x reader #vnc x reader #vnc #vanitas no carte #noe archiviste x reader #noe archiviste

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smoosnoom · 6 months

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Hello!! I’ve been a fan of your fics for a while and I was wondering what your writing process is like? I haven’t written a fic in ages and I honestly miss it, so I was wondering how you tend to get started or find inspo :^)

u are so kind hello thank u so much i am glad u enjoy the things i write !!!! it means the world :D !!!

hmmm . i actually havent been writing any fics as of late but thtas mostly been for how stressed and busy i have been . but !!! i can tell u that my process is very much . a lack of one . i write oddly and strangely and i am a mess about it . i usually write a few lines in a scene and jump around from one part to another, wherever i feel my mind leaning towards i tend to go there and feed it ! its not very much a process as it is an . experience .

however, if im very much intentionally trying to get started on a fic i usually just . open up a doc and write the first sentence that pops up in my head . it doesnt matter if it is the most mundane and uninteresting thing, because the first draft is very rarely perfect . the main goal is to have something written down, because if u keep going, then that one mundane sentence builds up to create a showstopping paragraph and thats where u get the most motivation and satisfaction !!! so id say if ur very caught up with urself and thinking that nothing ur writing is good enough and u keep backspacing and have urself stuck in the same spot, then just . keep writing . keep going forward even if its grueling and absolutely terrible . after u have dug urself a tunnel out of that hole, u can go back and make it a proper staircase . u just need to get to where u want to be, and once u are satisfied or content, u can go back and fix what u want

if u find urself unable to do that, then i say seek out other media that really entices or evokes emotion in u . nothing (in my opinion) is as inspiring as a good piece of fiction or art or music or dance ! listen to music u wouldnt usually listen to or check out a friends movie recommendation, just try to push yourself out of the usual things you watch or read or listen to on repeat . taking the time to listen to something new and finding one good song that sticks with me for three weeks is the kind of stuff that has me writing 4 fics in one month !!!

anyway . i hope some of this was helpful or useful at all, if none of it was or if i just . didnt do a very good job of answering ur question, then let me know :) and the most important part of the writing process is just that, to write !!! write whatever it is, and if ur stuck in a block or arent proud of anything ur writing, then write the first thing in ur brain ! if u dont like that either, then thats fine !! just keep going until u find a rhythm . and if u dont, try again and again and again ! i am a firm believer in that trying makes all the difference . is that too cliche idk ! but i think its true

so . anywho . please let me know if any of this is actually useful to u :) id love to know how it goes, and please feel free to drop by with an update or anything !! thank u for the ask !!!!

#/ask #i hope this was helpful LOL

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eirian · 8 months

Text

im abt to say something that may be very controversial abt kinning

prefacing this by saying ive been a kinnie for 11 years. it started with just being a demon otherkin, but then it branched into fictionkin and from there it got a Little out of hand which is obvious by my old kin list lol.

so this is an observation from my personal experience as a fictionkin. not saying this 100% applies to everyone and im not looking to debate or start an argument or anything, im just expressing some thoughts abt my own experience.

BASICALLY, from the many years ive been a kinnie, ive come to the conclusion that while general otherkin/therian stuff is connected to spirituality for most, it feels like when you get into fictionkin stuff (namely kinning cartoon/anime characters and such), its less of a spiritual thing and more of an "i want to be this character" thing. idk how else to say it but i think we (fictionkin) collectively have identity issues and we project/identify as fictional characters to combat that and maybe "fill a hole" that we have in our identity, like we dont like our core identity to the point of where we want to replace it with someone else. str8 up

like i said before this is just my experience; i definitely 100% had identity issues for many years, and i couldnt bring myself to really Like my core identity. in fact i didnt really know what my core identity even was until recent years. and yknow what makes me think all this, really? as soon as i found and accepted who i truly was at my core, the kinnie shit totally went out the window. like i dont actively kin anymore, i havent thought about it in years since coming to this acceptance, and i think thats absolutely wild. the only kin i truly believe i still identify with is the demonkin, because it feels like it transcends identity and really is more of a spiritual thing for me. like i have dreams of being my demonself and it gets insane

now listen this isnt me denouncing fictionkin as "not real kinning" or anything, im still a fictionkinnie supporter as ive been one myself for a long time. im just saying that maybe fictionkin is a branch of kinning that kinda sorta stems from having issues with identity :x WHICH AGAIN isnt BAD necessarily, i think it does have its purpose and place and i dont think its necessarily Unhealthy as a means of exploring yourself! it certainly helped me get to a place where i can love myself as myself nowadays which im thankful for

so ya. thats my thoughts on being fictionkin. for me it used to feel like a spiritual thing but i think i was misinterpreting it and it was actually bc i wasnt confident in my own identity which ended up being the case lol

forgive me if this upset anybody im just voicing my Thoughts on my own blog is all

**EDIT: when i talk about fictionkinning in this post im referring to ppl who like, take it seriously. like the "no doubles" people and such (i also used to be one of these people). to an extent also the "i am sans irl" people but that borders on actual delusion which isnt what im talking about here, thats a different issue**

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definitelynotshouting · 9 months

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heya i just wanted to tell you how genuinely important your arospec scarian thing is to me

the line "He's not sure what he wants, what's expected of him here" has just helped me solve a tiny crisis i've been having for the past month+ and on one hand i can't believe a fic about blockmen kissing is helping me figure this out but on the other hand im thinking of course it was your writing that helped me realize what is happening in my little feelings hole

anyway, just wanted to say thank you for how real and beautiful your writing is

sincerely, an aro/ace person who's feeling a little more okay about their crisis because you're an awesome human

HEY ANON,,,,, THIS IS SO SWEET WTF..... holy shit im literally speechless. I dont even remotely know what to say to such a genuine and heartfelt message, except that i am so, so happy ive managed to help you like this with my writing

Writing the arospec stuff was really interesting for me, personally, because thats an aspect of myself ive never really... set out much space to think about??? Ive known for a while that im probably demiromantic, considering how close i have to be with people before i can even begin to catch feelings, but ive never truly and consciously explored that within my writing before until now. And the fact that finally doing so has helped someone with a personal crisis really makes me so teary-eyed like hello...... oh my gods.

Thank you for taking the time to tell me this, and im so glad ive managed to help out despite being a virtual stranger. That novelty is never gonna wear off for me. I hope you're having a good day, anon❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️ take care of yourself!! :]

#shouting speaks #asks #compliments #LITERALLY ABT TO CRY /POS THIS IS SO SWEET AND KIND AND IM JUST AUAUGHHH #i am very much a Helper™ in that i try very hard to support everyone in my life in any way i can #so like. man. knowing im Helping strangers somehow with my writing thats like. everything to me #cannot stress enough just HOW much it means to me #also like... man its weird isnt it #bc i DO feel romantic attraction but its just SO different from how everyone else says they experience it #for me its this conscious and informed choice #i love all the people in my life dearly and very fiercely but when i go into a romantic relationship #its always with an element of ''well im curious lets see what happens'' and choosing to try it out with someone i like #i find a certain comfort in the closeness and intimacy but i find EQUAL comfort in the closeness and intimacy of my platonic relationships #its real telling i think that i have a partner of going on.... 4 years now???? and two platonic relationships in the same household #that have been going on for even longer #smth smth the comfort of finding people you want to spend the rest of your life with regardless of romantic or platonic feelings #smth smth found family. im incredibly lucky to have made this one #anyway. wjfnejfnjd explodes #txt

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 3 months

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my confession is that i don’t know what i’m doing. and i know that no one knows it all... but they definitely feel more sure than i do. i have the most stable footing of my life right now, but i feel just as lost as when i was stumbling around. also more bored than before. but stable. anyway, i mutually broke up with my bf of about 9 mos. i so recently described my break up in a way i thought was really profound… my ex (and previous exes) were never Filling a hole in my life—they were standing in front of the hole. you see, i stare at this hole a lot, especially after a break up because it’s in view again. and i can’t tell if this hole is just an inevitable hole that will be there as long as one is alive and you can choose to look upon it for as little or as long as you want… or if some people literally don’t know what i’m talking about. thoughts

the hole allegory.. i like the way you describe them as standing in front of it, i know this feeling well u-u in my humble beliefs, the hole might represent something only u yourself can fill.. maybe by trying to bring out something that's repressed in you, i feel its often something from childhood like a silly dream u cant let go of.. or maybe a bad pain u havent been able to address. whatever it is, only you can know, but it is possible to start filling that hole in slowly so it becomes less...Severe

one thing i feel strongly about tho, is that no one else can fill the hole for you </3 sadly </3 i say sadly but in a way its also empowering. like you can free urself from that ideal, the relentless search for That One Person who can fill it. like, i love slimbo so completely , but they can;t help me with certain personal terrors. what really helps is that they're patient & don't mind sitting thru it with me while i work it out.

dont ignore the hole !! figure out what the hole needs thru trial & error.. try different hobbies n activities, daily rituals, act in ways that feel pure to u, discover who is the pure you. solitary times can lead to great revelations+++ i cld go into personal experience but this wld go on forevr

those r my thoughts ^^ i hope they help u in some way and dont seem like im telling u to give up on love.. love can be accepted sm easier once u have some foundation & inner security. from my expeirence neways. ganbatte anon i believe u have the power to fill the hole !!! we all do., just takes a lil work. ty for sharing w me anoon <3

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fierceawakening · 11 months

Note

Yeah no, people are just on a hair-trigger on the internet and are probably incorrectly pattern-matching you to the kind of a-holes who say "if you can't provide a logical reason for your traditions (that dont hurt anyone) they're unnecessary so we aren't gonna accommodate them". And anyhow they are being way too narrow about what being Jewish is, I'm secular Jewish and I only follow the traditions that are meaningful and valuable to me, I don't do or want to do All The Things right now

Thank you! That makes sense to me. Like the actual Jews I know, including the ones I follow on here, seem when they tell me what they’re actually DOING to be picking and choosing like I am. But then they make these broad info posts that make it sound like the only people in the world who question tradition are ex Christian atheists, and that we’re only doing it because we’ve experienced religious abuse. And it just feels super rude to me?

Like yes, part of why I vehemently defend anyone’s right to depart from tradition if they want to is that I’ve been in coercive groups! Sure. Guilty as charged your Honor.

But! That’s also had a positive side. Looking at traditions with a critical eye isn’t always about being upset! Sometimes it’s about noticing something is meaningful to you and thinking in depth about why, and realizing neat things about yourself along the way.

Like, I never thought that I’d go back to Christianity. But when I really thought about what religious practice HAD felt good to me, I realized that actually, for myself personally, I want spirituality to be about believing everyone is redeemable. Religion gives me a place to put that, as a higher value, without it being my personal duty to forgive when I find I can’t or feel unsafe.

Which led me to the idea that what I wanted was modified Christianity actually. I already understood and knew the traditions of a religion that did that, and the only thingsstopping me were 1) worry people would find out I don’t literally believe in god and 2) feeling like I’d be giving in to the man.

With 1, I realized that actually a lot of practicing Christians ARE functionally atheist. People don’t say it too loud, but if you look into a lot of art and writing, you’ll find “if there is a God, I pray that…” I realized this is super common! You can find people in Ancient Greece saying things in this way! If it’s common, then… people know about it already, and they only avoid saying they’re agnostic out of neurotypical social conventions. Which I’m not good at, so I say it openly.

Which means there are a whole lot more me's out there than a lot of people think, and that was ultimately enough for me to decide I was True Scotsman enough.

With 2, I realized that I’d become hugely invested in finding something cooler, but that I really didn’t have a concept of what this was. So I was posturing, when I already knew there was a community I would like and fit well into. So, you know? It was 2016 and I was scared and fuck it, I wanted to feel better and I didn’t care anymore.

But is that “I dunno I’m Christian because I just am lol?” It could be said, yes! Likely the reason I went back to how I was raised is in part that it’s how I was raised.

But I would not answer the question that way.

Instead, i would say that I spent a long time suspicious of religion in general, and ultimately thought about what purpose I wanted it to have in my life, so while “practicing Christian “ PROBABLY describes it, I mean something very personal and not generalizable about what I decided religion should be for.

I would be really surprised if some people’s relationship to their Judaism isn’t similar! But the narrative Tumblr has latched onto for dear life is “only Christians are like that. If you think it’s common for adolescents to have concerns around religious identity you don’t know what an ethnoreligion is.”

Which is ESPECIALLY galling to me. Yes I know what an ethnoreligion is, many of my relatives are Greek Orthodox.

Greek, the ethno, is right there in the name!

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adveturousend · 1 year

Text

Tonight is your lucky night,ma'am

pairing : Hangman x reader, a*hole bf x reader

Summary: a bad night turns into a lucky one

"This is not the way it's supposed to be" - these words were ringing inside your head constantly for the last 3 days. 3 days ago you were hapilly getting off your plane to FINALLY meet up with your boyfriend,Roy. Tall,handsome ,charming Roy. Caring, loving, insanely hot Roy. Head over hills , cross my heart and hope to die,love of your life Roy.

3 days ago you wouldn't hesitate for a second to leave your good life in Europe and become domesticated wifey if he'd ask you to. 3 days ago you would move to a cabin in the woods or a freaking cave if he'd asked you to. You would do absolutely and totally everything just to be with him. But this was 3 days ago. 3 damn days change your perspective entirely.Now, all you could think of is how stupid and naive you are. How blind you are. What a damn idiot you are. What a sad and insecure person you've become. Since you saw him on the airport you knew something wasn't right. He kissed you with his eyes open, he didnt even take your luggage on his own will,you literally put it in his hand by yourself. Not really subtle,but ok. When you had sex first time in 6 months ,it was quick and not really passionate. He seemed annoyed all the time . You wanted him to show you some of the beautiful sunny San Diego, but he wasnt willing to. He didn't even took a day off work just to be with you. It all was jus't not right. Alarms were ringing in your head but being a polite,well mannered girl ,you stayed silent. You clearly saw that he was not the same person you thought you knew ,which caught you by surprise. When you met for the first time roughly 8 months ago, he was a perfect match . 10/10. He litterally swoop you out of your feet. Dinner dates , long phone calls, flowers, chocolates ,romantic walks,gazing into your eyes, great sex, fun and outgoing- everything you ever wanted in a man...yeah well,you thought that until 3 fucking days ago.

"Let's go back ,its freezing and it's getting late" -a harsh voice snapped you back to reality and put an end to your intrusive thoughts. Well, just put them on hold ,to be more precise. You looked up to meet Roy's eyes - dark and unfeeling. If you weren't feeling cold before , the look he gave you sent shiver down your spine. Or maybe it was an ocean breeze. Or maybe both. "Let's stay just a couple minutes more?" you asked quietly . " Sky is gorgeous tonight" you added. He just scoffed and said " you can stay here all night if you want to but I am your ride and I am going ,bye" - Roy started walking away from you. You couldn't believe what you heard . And what you saw. Your bf was literally leaving you alone here!! "Hey,Roy! What are you doing??!!" You cried after him ,but he didn't respond,just kept walking. So you stood up and started running after him. Once you got to him you grabed his arm and yelled "Seriously???" You leaving me here alone? What the hell is wrong with you?!!?

His eyes were even more cold than before ,he gritted his teeth and literally hissed " I am sick and tired of entertaining your ass. All you do is holding onto me like you cannot fucking do anything without me! Since you flew in here all I do is babysit you, gimme a break woman!" With every spoken word his voice was raising and made you feel even more small than you already did. You stared at him with wide eyes and all you could say was quiet " but I came here for you... because of you, you wanted me to finally ..." "well maybe you shouldn't come,maybe I shouldn't string you along"- he cut you off. "What?" you almost choked . "What are you.." - you fight with tears that are coming ,damn,these stupid eyes of yours in the wet place ,always crying so easily. "Y/n, I cant pretend anymore. I dont want you,not anymore,6 months apart is a lot and things changed, just leave me alone" - he said and walked away leaving you alone , on the beach ,in the middle of the night, in a foreign country. He broke up with you,just like that. On the beach,in the middle of the night. IN THE FOREIGN COUNTRY. You stood there in shock. Eyes wet ,but your mind and body freezed. You seemed to not really know how to process what have just happenned. It was like a bad dream. So you just stood there, looking into the abbyss of the ocean , feeling cold breeze chilling through your bones.You haven't even registered when you started walking. You walked and walked and walked. Mindlessly. For hours.For eternity,that's what it felt like. You were slowly coming into your senses when you heard noises.Sounded like music,so you turned your head in this direction and saw faint lights in the distance. "People" you thought. "I need people right now". That was your focus right now. To not be alone. To get back safely to your hotel. Broken heart can wait. Well,it will catch up to you if you want it or not. But now, basic instinct was kicking in - just be safe. You wiped your tears, straighten your back and put on a brave face as you walked on to the door of what looked like a bar full of people you so desperately needed right now. A little drink wouldnt kill you too. You went in, awkwardly smiling and met a gaze and a smile from a very pretty lady behind the bar. You went straight to her "hey,what can I get you?" The woman asked "Hi, um whiskey on the rocks please" "I'm on it" she winked at you and started preparing your drink. All of a sudden you felt someone right beside you leaned on the bar. You looked up and saw a very handsome face and a pair of green eyes boring into you. "Penny,sweatheart ,4 more beers please" . Handsome face spoke never breaking the eye contact with you. "Just a sec ,Hangman, ladies first " said the bartender as she put your drink in front of you and smiled warmly at you. You smiled back and thanked her, pick the glass up and gulped it like water. You hissed as the alcohol burned your throat but it felt good in a way.Liberating.

"Whoa,easy ma'am! That kind od drinking gets you in trouble!" Handsome face spoke again ,this time directly to you flashing it's pearly whites in a wide smile. "I'm already in trouble so oh well I guess" you responded. His smile got even more wider and he said in a lower ,more raspy voice "Soo,do you need a rescue?" As he said it,he shifted his arms and for a brief second he touched you. His warm skin brushed against your icy cold one. You didn't know if it was just beacause he was hot,like,literally, and you were chilled to the bone or maybe it was just adrenaline washing down or maybe whiskey was doing it's job but sudden closeness of this random guy in the bar gave you some comfort. Something you needed badly right now. "I do ,actually" you heard your own voice coming out of your mouth and before you could react and take it back ,the Handsome face got a bit closer to you and said "Tonight is your lucky night,ma'am"

To be continued

#hangman x y/n #hangman x you #jake hangman x reader #top gun maverick #top gun fanfiction

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