ੈ✩‧₊ One Step ੈ✩‧₊

Pairing : Seunghan x Gn! Reader

Genre : Idol au, Angst

Song : Happier than ever ( rock version) by Billie Eilish

TW: Depression, cyber bullying, idol life , suide

A/N : This is a very sensitive fic, I wrote this because all that's happening with Seunghan is absolutely not fair, not only him but other idols also suffer. We need to realise they are also human and it's their first time living too.

･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ✩ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ✩ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･

The car horns were blaring, the wind forcing the boy to keep his eyes open. Standing on top of the roof edge, his eyes blurred, with tears or with regret, he could not tell. He may have made mistakes in the past, but he wondered how much he could take before he could give up.

His ideal dream of debuting in an idol group, discovering the wonders of the world while touring and singing his lungs out had been reduced to an hope which was being extinguished by some jealous friends of his on the Internet. Seunghan debuted as a member of RIIZE, a group under the biggest entertainment in South Korea, fame finding them before they could even step out of the basement.

It scared him, how he was not afraid to die, rather afraid of being wrong in front of some users on the internet.

The life he sacrificed everything for, snatched away because he had a few moments of joy, but now he was fighting for the courage to live than kill himself. He felt broken, like that last piece in a puzzle that was not fitting. He was only human, 'it was your fault' ringing inside his head. He brought disgrace to his group, he brought disgrace to his family, all would be gone if he took a step. One step to his freedom, one step to his new life, one step to happiness.

"Does it ever stop hurting?"

Seunghan turned around and saw a person's shadow, but the tears flowing made it difficult to make out who it was.

"Of course it does, once the blood seeps out." His voice quavered.

"Go ahead and leave then, everyone does."

"They hated me in life, maybe they could love in death."

"It's worth giving a try to relive."

"Reliving where I don't have to starve myself to sing, carve my name in trophies to redeem myself."

"You failed in living, what makes you think you will succeed in dying."

"I kept running behind success, let this fall make it run after me."

Seunghan could feel a smile creep on his face, the feel of ending it all making the adrenaline rush in his body, the same adrenaline feeling he got before his first ever debut stage. Oh, but look at irony, a smile starting the movie, an even bigger smile to finish the movie. A movie well criticised by those who could never feel the making of it.

"If all you had to do was run, you should have joined a marathon team."

"At least there I would run towards my goal and not away from it."

The person took a few steps forward, hands in pocket due to the cold wind blowing, Seunghan just staring at the person in front of him.

"Is this you speaking or the adrenaline in you speaking because you are standing on the edge?"

Seunghan scoffed at the question, he was considering taking his life right here and this person was taking it as a joke,

"Of course it's me, I won't be standing here because of a dare."

"Well, then I dare you, come down the edge and say you want to jump off, look me in the eyes and say you want to jump off."

"I can say all that from right here."

"I know you can, but just come down once."

"Once you reach the top, it's difficult to come down"

"Then don't look down, look at me, I am here for you."

"I am glad, but it's a little late to be here for me."

Talking made it all the tougher for Seunghan to clear his mind. With a last glance at the person in front of him, he turned facing the city lights and said with confidence,

"Why would I come down when right now I feel the happiest man on top of the world?"

With that he took the step, deaf to the screams of the person behind him, deaf to the car horns blaring, deaf to the screams of his fans on debut, deaf to affections of his parents, deaf to the laughter of his members,

deaf to the little voice in his brain saying "one more chance was all that was needed."

Apple of my eye (p.3)

Pairings: 80s!Nikki Sixx x Reader

Warnings: Mention of alcohol, fluff, language.

Nikki just left. Good. Now i have time to think about all this. I sigh and suddenly hear the phone ring, i walk over to my coffee table and let the answering machine get it. It was my friend, Amy. “Hey, Y/N! Where were you last night? I am worried about you, are you safe? You better not have ditched me for someone else. Call me!” Fuck.

I sigh and run my fingers thru my hair, i can’t reply to that right now. How the hell do i explain that?! Not. I’ll probably call her back later once i think of a good excuse, or maybe i should be honest…

2:14 PM

I am getting ready in my bathroom. I showered and put on a cute fit. I wore a red leather skirt with a white t-shirt. I’m now applying my eyeliner under my eyes. I think about what Nikki said. I wanna go to the show tonight, but what about Amy? I shake it off and decide to just go with the flow. After applying my makeup, and jewelry and perfume. I walk to my kitchen and pour myself a glass of red wine. Yes, at 2. It’s a stressful time. Okay?

6:56 PM

I have been thinking all day, what the hell do i do?! Maybe i should go to the concert and call Amy next morning because at that time i’ll know more about this whole thing. But then also, i seem like a bad friend if i just don’t call. But what about- no. I have to stop overthinking. It’ll be okay.

I bury my face in my hands and sigh, but i hear the doorbell ring. Shit. I spoke too soon. I hope it’s not Amy. I get up and walk to my front door, i look thru the peephole and see Nikki! He’s just standing there! Hands in his pockets and everything, i can’t help but think he’s a fox. But also a little shit.

I sigh and swing the door open. “Hey! Haven’t seen you in like 5 hours, what’s new?” I say sarcastically and snicker. I look him up and down. He wore blue jeans and a band shirt.

He rolls his eyes and chuckles. “I’m here to pick you up! For the show?” He says, totally feeling himself.

“Oh? So you just assumed i’d be ready to go and if i even wanted to?” I say and chuckle.

He shrugs and his lips curve into a smirk as he looks me up and down. “So you comin or not??”

“I guess i HAVE to don’t i?” I say and roll my eyes

“Uh, yeah, you do.” He says and takes my hand and drags me out of the doorway.

“Hey! My jacket and purse! I’m gonna need those!” I say, squirming a bit to try and escape his grasp.

“Oh, you don’t need that, do you??” He says and before i know it i’m already standing in the elevator with that bastard. How dare he, but i also don’t give two shits.

I scoff and shake my head. “You sure know how to get your wa-“ and before i could even finish my sentence that smug, little shit presses his lips against mine. The kiss was passionate, but also rough. He had his left hand on my lower back which made my cheeks flush pink. At first i was startled but i relaxed into it after a few seconds. It lasted about ten seconds before he pulls away, with my red lipstick on his lips.

“There, you finally shut up.” He says and snickers, looking at the elevator door open. Two other men step into the elevator and press the button to the lobby.

The silence is way too awkward. I couldn’t even reply to that bold move. I clear my throat and just wait until we reach the lobby.

At least, that would be ideal. But no. I suddenly felt a wet finger in my ear. Nikki again. I jump and nudge Nikki.

“What are you?! 14?!!” I say, raising my voice. The two other men looking at us as if we’re crazy. I could tell Nikki was holding his laugh.

We finally reach the lobby. I don’t think i have ever experienced such an awkward elevator experience. The worst part was that i think those two men were my neighbors..

We walk out of the elevator. “Damn. That was a knee slapper, Nikki. Your a funny guy.” I say sarcastically and roll my eyes.

He sighs and chuckles. Taking my hand and walking out of the lobby to the crisp New York street. People walking everywhere, sirens and cabs everywhere.

Nikki just drags me along side of him, he is a fast walker so i almost have to run in my stiletto’s.

7:47 PM

We make it to the venue. It was a long ass walk, and i could tell Nikki kept trying to make moves on me but held back. He had pink cheeks too, but it could’ve also been the cold. I hope it wasn’t honestly. We held hands the entire time. His hands were clammy as fuck. and there was this unexplainable energy between us..

So we enter the venue and go straight backstage. Nikki immediately takes me to his dressing room, on the way there i caught Tommy Lee and Vince Neil drinking some jack on some couch they had back there.

Nikki pulls me into his dressing room and closes the door behind us. He immediately goes to his mini fridge and takes out a cold beer. “What will you like?” He asks.

“Oh nothing, i had a wine earlier.” I say, and clear my throat. Smiling.

“Oh my god!!! You must be hammered!” He says sarcastically, throwing me a beer anyways. Dumbass.

I catch it and roll my eyes, sticking out my tongue at him. “Shouldn’t you be getting ready?” I ask, acting like a smartass.

“Yeah. And your gonna do it for me.” He says, wiggling his eyebrows.

“What?”

“You heard me.”

——————————————————————————

I’m sorry for this rant but IT MAKES ME SO UNCOMFORTABLE! When Daxtons say Ben was/is emotionally abusive to Devi just because he has a reciprocating banter with her because people been throwing words that they don’t know NOTHING ABOUT when they really should focus on actual abusive patterns. I am very glad some people have not been abused before and therefore aren’t able to understand what it means but I HAVE! And let me tell you, being emotionally abusive means being scared of being yourself especially around that person, second guessing ur actions in fear they would interpret it wrong and use it against you. You lost yourself and your own motivations and ambitions to fit their own. You even lose the ability to connect with other people around you. Being emotionally abused means being scared of actually walking away because you tick yourself into thinking they need you and the reason they act the way they do is because of their own trauma. Devi at any point during the show has experienced this behavior, in fact, Ben is the person she trusts and is herself around the most aside from Eleanor and Fab.

Ben and Devi’s banter is mutual. If we are calling Ben “abusive” then the same applies to Devi that jokes and “insults” Ben right back. The gag is, is not serious, is not intentionally hurtful and the times that it has been hurtful there’s been apologies because they know when it’s just jokes and banter and when it crosses the line. Ben and Devi are friends first and foremost, are there to confide in the other and Devi feels safe to tell him her insecurities and worries because he understands and motivates her. Devi and Ben’s interactions might not be ideal for YOU, but it’s okay for Devi and Ben. That’s a dynamic they enjoy.

Anon, I’m so sorry you went through all of that. ❤️

I totally agree with everything you said. As someone who experienced intense emotional abuse as well, I went through everything you described. And I find it SUPER upsetting when people try to slap that label (or really any abusive label) on a character simply because they don’t like them or the ship they are a part of. It’s inaccurate and extremely harmful to actual abuse victims.

Are there characters in media who are abusive? Yes, of course. In fact, there is one in nhie: MALCOLM in season 2. His behavior could very accurately be described as abusive.

Ben, while sometimes a dick and often an insecure teenage boy, is definitely not abusive. I’ve seen reddit threads also describe him as “manipulative” simply because he dated other girls when he liked Devi? Which is so dumb because that is such a common media trope (a dumb one but still), that is often used to create conflict. Also Devi dated other people while she liked Ben so that argument is doubly invalid.

It’s like they expect him to be fully emotionally mature and a perfect communicator at 17 years old. Like how dare he be an insecure teenager who is unsure about dating someone who, while he does love a lot, also hurt him a ton in the past.

Ben has never ever exhibited any abusive behavior towards Devi ever. Same goes with Devi. Say it with me folks, teenagers being insecure and dumb doesn’t equal abuse.

Devi and Ben are equals. Even in their peak, “rivals era”. They have always had a basis of respect for each other. Their banter while harsh sometimes was never bullying. It was always an equal exchange.

Also for anyone hung up on the whole “David” nickname. Please please check out these amazing posts by my wonderful and brilliant friend @basiltonpitch. You can find the posts here.

I’m sick and tired of people making up false and misleading statements about Ben and Benvi. Just say it isn’t your thing and move on.

Thank you for sending this to me anon, I 100 percent agree with you. Ben and Devi have a wonderful foundation to have a loving and healthy relationship. They get each other in a way no one else does, they are each others person.

Do you mind if I share some more thoughts on the new unit au (same anon as before, just capitalizing my letters now)? I have many thoughts.

For the new unit, how many members would there be? Would it be a unique solo unit like that one guy whose name I cannot remember? Or would there be multiple people in the unit?

If that's the case, then who are these new people? They're not gonna be anyone you see in-game, that's for sure. So, are they strangers? Are they old ocs you thought you'd forgotten about? Or are they people designed specifically to fill out the roster? Ghost characters with no backstory or purpose aside from aiding you and your unit.

Personally, I like the third one. It fits with the "I was designed for you" theme the other characters seem to have. It also leaves room for even more yanderes, which is fun.

I think three members (including you) would be ideal. You act as the leader and centerpiece for the unit, while the other two are the backup duo. The entire unit is undoubtedly focused on you, which is a bit unusual, isn't it? More reason for suspicion, perhaps...

If it's okay, I'd like to send in more ideas about this as 🔆 anon

This ask is a continuation of this

Honestly, I´m blown away by how creative you are, I´m eating all of this up!! Such a big brain, I love the ideas! Welcome aboard, 🔆 anon! Absolutely feel free to send in more thoughts too, I love reading it!

More thoughts on this under the cut!

gn reader

tw yandere, implication of violence and dislike against the reader because of a misunderstanding, mention of a killed dog as a descriptor but it doesn´t actually happen

Who are the characters in the newly introduced unit the player is now a part of?

Okay so first of all let me start by repeating myself: This is literally such a good idea!

If the unit happened to be a solo one then the pressure on you would dramatically increase, so for your own safety, I hope it´s not. Look at this like this, only a single character was added into the game, and not a second later, their beloved player disappears and abandons them when there had been no prior sign of this happening. In their desperation, they´ll very quickly turn to blame you for the entire ordeal, simply because you´re the easiest to shift the blame to. They obviously haven´t done anything wrong so the only one responsible could be the one character that was added recently without any warning. You must not have liked the design or the style of music or anything else! You´ll have an especially hard time because pretty much no one is on your side. Even the more sane or empathetic ones won´t help you out because they´re too struck by grief and they don´t dare to stand up against the overwhelming majority who will just want you gone.

You´ll have a slightly easier time if you aren´t the only one in your unit because it at least leaves the chance that *you* in particular aren´t the problem but instead maybe one of the others.

I do think the game and world would opt to give you two completely new characters because if they just used an old oc of yours, you might be even quicker with finding out that something must be wrong. After all, even if they´re old, there´s still a good chance you might recognize them.

But then again, is it really any less suspicious that amongst your favorite characters, there are now two completely new ones you´ve never seen before in your entire life that seemingly only exist to make you look good and put you in the spotlight? They´re both nice enough and it feels good to at least have some people here in ES that you can talk to without being villainized for some reason you don´t understand. It hurts, having everyone you pass shoot you dirty looks as if you´ve killed their dog or something when you have no recollection of doing anything wrong. You´re literally just existing, why do they hate you?

But you can´t deny that it´s a bit creepy how both of your unit mates only compliment you and tell you how glad they are to have you with them, it´s like their entire personality is based around pleasing you and you can´t help but think it´s a bit unsettling. How come you´re always the center of all of your songs even though they´re both undoubtedly talented when you might not have any prior experience when being an idol? Why is it that all your outfits are suited to your own preferences and when you speak up about it, both of them insist that they´re happy with being able to wear the clothes you enjoy? It´s worrying and yet you´re still happy to have them because it at least means you have two people that will always have your back, no matter what

Now I need to see Mom! Scarlet Witch! Reader with a partner!! ( I know that she will always will love vision but “what if” she finds someone you know ). And I need to see Suguru ( because we all know that he loves reader like if she was his mother ), Gojo and little Megs and Tsumiki!!!

what if mama! scarlet witch! reader is seeing someone (how jjk characters will react)

jujutsu kaisen x reader

masterlist of the series

╰➤ CW(s): possible manga spoilers for jujutsu kaisen (gojo's past arc), themes of fluff

╰➤ PAIRING(s): mama! reader x adopted son! gojo satoru, mama! reader x child! fushiguro megumi, mama! reader x child! fushiguro tsumiki, mama! reader x platonic! suguru geto, mama! reader x platonic! ieiri shoko

helloooo thank you so much for requesting and for being so so patient!! enjoy reading :) ♡

if you ever find love again in the jujutsu kaisen world, you can best bet that your adoptive son, gojo satoru, will be the one who's incredibly against it. he has said it before: he doesn't want a dad, he only wants a mama, and that's you.

apart from that, he's already got other gremlins as rivals for your love and attention, namely megumi, tsumiki, and suguru. yes, you heard that right. even his best friend loves you that much! ever since you met your son's best friend and helped him regarding his beliefs and ideals, especially after the star plasma vessel incident, he had gotten quite close to you. suguru is closer to you than his own parents. he is so grateful to you. he even sees you as his own mom. you were so patient and loving, and he highly appreciates the fact that you didn't give up on him either.

anyway, going back, the moment you spill to satoru, megumi and tsumiki that you've been seeing someone lately, satoru throws a fit. like, he's hysterically dramatic about it. he feels absolutely betrayed by you and is incredibly shocked that he had to take off his black sunglasses.

"BUT MOM?!"

megumi, on the other hand, will be very pouty and probably scowl at the thought, but he is not going to be vocal about it, unlike this creepy white-haired guy you deemed as your adoptive son. but, just like tsumiki, he's going to be a bit sad and mostly scared. the poor kids think that history is going to repeat itself again, which is you falling in love with someone only for you to abandon them, just like how their parents have.

expect instant interrogation from your children, "where did you meet them?" "what is their name?" "what are they like?" "what is their address?" "what is their job?" "who is this person?!"

you can already tell they aren't too pleased with the thought of you seeing someone else, so you pull the children to you, megumi and tsumiki on your lap, and satoru beside you. you ruffle their hair and smile sweetly before giving each of them an embrace. "i love you three very much. you guys mean everything to me. i would never ever leave you three." 

"promise?" cue the teary eyes of your children.

you give them each a kiss on the forehead before gently patting their face. "i promise my sweeties."

they will accept it for now, mostly because they want their mama to be happy. tsumiki won't say anything else about it since she trusts you, but megumi and satoru, on the other hand, are going to be absolute menaces, especially as soon as they meet the person you've been seeing. they are actively playing passive-aggressive towards them, because how dare they steal you away from them? megumi and satoru will also be glaring, doing everything they can to divert your attention to them instead.

"mama, i want hugs." megumi would tug on your leg, making grabby hands before discreetly glaring at your lover and sticking his tongue out.

"mooom, my six eyes is hurting." satoru would drape an arm over his eyes, faking it just so you would pay attention to him instead.

satoru will spill the tea on suguru and shoko, ranting and possibly crying. suguru's face scrunches into pure shock as soon as he hears from his best friend. the three were probably on a mission together, and suguru and shoko couldn't help but notice how satoru is easily irritated and sulky.

"[NAME]-SAN IS WHAT?!"

"MY MOM IS SEEING SOMEONE!!"

so now you have megumi, satoru, and suguru after your lover. the boys are going to be hella protective of you. as soon as you turn your back on them and your lover is there, they're going to be glaring daggers at your lover; their eyes promising death and threats. they won't be able to bear the thought of seeing you cry if this person dares to leave you and break your heart.

"don't even think about breaking my mom's heart unless you want me to start mixing colors, this one over here has a goddamn dragon and megumi-chan over here fucking bites ankles."

shoko would be the most laid back of the three man team. don't get me wrong, this young lady loves you too, but she's more after your happiness and tries her best to tell suguru and satoru to calm down, because they really do need to calm down 😭

if looks could kill, your lover would have already been dead seconds ago. she convinces them to let you be happy because you deserve to be happy, especially after what you've been through. 

"[name]-san mentioned of having a husband and kids once didn't she? you guys should let her be. it's not like they're doing anything wrong, is there?"

shoko proceeds to point you, who was smiling and laughing while your lover hands you a bouquet of your favorite flowers before kissing your forehead. (shoko, suguru and satoru were spying on you)

"sure, they aren't vision, but i just think that [name]-san deserves to be happy. she has always done so much for us, it's only fair for her to be happy too."

so, yeah. satoru and suguru, together with little megumi, tried to be nicer around your lover because they do want their mom to be happy :(

i feel like they would try to like your lover too, just to see what made you fall for and love them, and they're in for a surprise to see how kind they are just like you. well, if they aren't and they turn out to be an absolute bastard, they aren't coming out alive. they've got a whole group of sorcerers that you have adopted after their sorry ass. 

# the nature of what it is to be trans is just that: natural

It’s been around for as long as us human animals have been around.

We need to be careful in acknowledging it as inherently queer not cis mandated it should adhere to the queer spirit for queer bodies not the cis hets perspective that was born from brutal colonisation

An issue I don’t see getting the light it deserves is how the cis normative world, propagated by colonialism, and by this I mean how colonialism was excused and executed under the title of ‘the civilisation mission’. A mission that was to forcibly indoctrinate the entire globe to take on the culture of Europe aka Eurocentric values. Such values included their two way gender system.

With that being said, as a gnc brown skin individual, right from as early as pre school I’ve been subject to how this European cultural view of gender confuses the cis.

Are you a boy or a girl? What are you? A child I would think to myself, but the aggression of their confusion made my little empathetic self unable to speak up.

Since growing up and finding my way into the trans community in my early teens I have also experienced cis strangers telling me it is obvious I was born male and trying to be female when I never could. I have also been told by cis strangers it’s obvious I was born female and trying to be male when I never could.

What I have learnt from this is:

Cis hets: we are allowed to tell you in an array of ways how you do not fit our two way gender system, but don’t you dare ever declare this yourself, do not find your own label to be defined as, as we will tell you it does not exist.

To the cis I cannot exist as their female nor their male but I MUST try to and accept their criticism as never being able to. To them it is obvious I can not fit in either box but I am not allowed to declare this I am not allowed to make my own space I just have to be victim to their standards and European ideologies harming my body and identity.

It is frustrating how their own self admitted confusion to them is not confusion but proof of their own egotistical righteousness over all the bodies that do not fit what they feel theirs do.

I have learned that a large body of the medical community related to the care of trans bodies will push for you to fit into the European two way gender system. Creating guidelines such as presenting as one particular gender a year before being prescribed hrt or obtaining surgery. To have surgeries that fall in line with how a cis body would look. That to fight these things means being pushed back, being labelled as not ready or mentally able and so on.

I have found that in contrast to the history of the what it meant to be transgender now the focus more revolves around the ability or at least intent to pass as a cis body to cis eyes. To pass in the Eurocentric ideals of a gender identity. This has been one of the hardest realisations (don’t get me wrong there’s been many) to know that for the longest time the state that is being transgender was about acknowledging the vast array of NATURAL states that exist outside of the Eurocentric two way gender ideals. To know that I missed out on that and came to be in a time where it was catered to the Eurocentric gender ideals. Sort of feels like “fine fine, we acknowledge this trans thing but only if it adheres to Eurocentric gender ideals as much as possible and we will mercifully push for this as much as possible”. It’s sad. It makes me mourn for the little me, being heavily attacked by the eyes of Eurocentric ideals (in virtually all ways) and having my birth right (humans as social animals are communal animals, the first of us lived nomadic lifestyles in ‘family-bands’ aka little communities and I believe we are all born to have this as is our birth right) - my community being invaded and remoulded by Eurocentric values before I even had a chance to take my first steps within it.

I believe it wasted a lot of my time and created unnecessary amounts of confusion which makes it so much more infuriating when they accuse the state of being trans as WHY there is confusion. It also blocked me from learning and honouring my natural states (always more than one state to every body I won’t argue on this) for far too long when it existed to be the opposite. Our communities exist as natural formations of natural connections to natural states of being that align and harmonise in ways that become a safe space and type of home.

I think it’s exciting now in my late twenties seeing more of my community using terms such as ‘he him lesbian’ ‘girl cock’ ‘dick clit’ ‘girlfriendboyfriend’ ‘butch boys’ and the like. The queer and trans community stem from the space that existed to permit those terms. The space that existed to acknowledge and provide a home and voice to the incredible amounts of variance within any one body. So make up words if you find yourself indoctrinated into a language that does not describe you enough to be able to speak your truths. Remember that one thing colonisation left us with is European languages dominate the globe still. Remember that in order for this to happen many languages were brutally changed and eradicated (books and educational spaces burnt to ash). It makes sense to have to create your own language to survive in the post colonial world. Remember that although once the USA was colonised it successfully and lawfully divorced itself from Europe so whites could be recognised as American only, they still all come from Europe and so mainly speak English (most successfully globalised European language) .

So don’t be embarrassed and don’t sweat how much the Eurocentric world will throw fits at your neo pronouns or how you rearrange and reconstruct and disable and reinvent the words they assign to you with languages that our ancestors were beaten into submission of. Of course it will rattle them. It’s living breathing proof that despite how well colonisation globalised European culture to take over ALL cultures and their beliefs/languages/paradigms aka sense of reality, bodies, souls, minds, hormones, biology continue to grow unable to fit their space. It’s proof that having one culture dominate ALL cultures is what is actually unnatural. That even with generations and generations of nations swearing to raise everyone to submit into European culture, it still cannot hold us all. That there are still an immeasurable amount of us that can not, that will not, that would rather die, that those who well fit european culture even acknowledge- we can not be held by - their cultural ideals. That there are natural forces that can not be reckoned with no matter how many generations you try to beat it from us.

I cuddle younger me with this knowledge and by seeing all of you exist as yourselves even when having to fight daily to be able to do so because the world around you continually tries to reconstruct what your words, feelings, bodies, minds and souls natural states are.

Please keep fighting. Be unapologetic. Keep showing up as you. Even though I’m not a little butch gnc child anymore I still benefit wholeheartedly from seeing it just as you do. We all do. Our community has existed for eons, expressed in all cultures. Remember that it was only one culture that has had so much self hate for who we are and that it was through the brutalities of colonialism and globalising their culture that we even have to fight to be seen or heard. Do not give up. The only weird thing is telling a whole globe of souls to adhere to one culture that was so out of sync with all the other cultures. It is weird to see a thing and say it does not exist and weird still to see another of that thing and another and another and deny it’s existence and weirder still to see it go further back than whoever first said it does not exist and still persist IT DOES NOT EXIST. That’s weird. Not you. Thank you for existing in a world that constantly tried to erase, you, your community and our rich history. Remember that those against you are slaves to a culture that harmed their own people too, there’s no real power in that but there ir is sadness and sickness and they will try to project this onto you. Don’t let them.

-Tahari Spirt

Champagne, Cocaïne,Gasoline

A/N: This is my first time posting on this website, but I thought, why not? It is inspired by Don't Threaten Me with a Good Time by Panic! at the Disco. I do not own the character Cú Chulainn, yada, yada, yada, English is not my first language and all. CW: self-destructive behaviour,(slight) addiction, misuse of drugs and alcohol, drunk driving, self-harming behaviour, depression Wordcount: 2500 Underlying Cú Chulainn x Reader PART 1| PART 2

You jolted awake, a haze before your eyes, a siren whaling in your ears. Your throat leaves a groaning sound of pain as your eyes try to focus on something - anything at all if you will. Nothing seems to be in your reach, as you try to grab something as you work your way to stand, but falter and end up on the ground again. Your knees are like pudding and your fingers have no feeling to them. Your brain is pounding in your skull and you shakily exhale - letting the exhaustion get a grip on you again.

But this is not the beginning of this story. This is rather the end of it - if we would have followed a common structure.

And you weren't the one to tell either.

.

.

.

He has unusually taken form as a Berserker. Some factors of his summoning also caused all of his equipment to change and reversed his temperament. His expressions become cold, and the crimson demonic spear that is his Noble Phantasm has been mixed with darkness, overflowing with a foreboding aura.

.

.

.

Cú Chulainn Alter was your servant long enough by now to have a grasp on your behaviour - even though, you rather should have had a sight over his madness. After all, it seems like he is the one who has to have an eye on you most of the time. You have surrounded yourself with some of the most absurd servants, he could have imagined. Mostly because they are so engulfed in their own worlds - and their ideals - that it sickens him to even watch them. You always look a bit exhausted, but even if asked (by one of the few kind souls your summons have answered), you just dismiss the call by ignoring them or just saying that your mana was drained. But this was not the case at all. Your resources of mana were hilariously huge and no one really needed that much energy to sustain themself. 

The mad king was by your side - like most of the time (probably because he was your go-to servant). His crimson eyes follow your every move. You've pulled out your phone and texted someone. The profile picture was the same as the days before and he had concluded, that you have been texting with someone - very regularly and mostly frantic, jabbing texts into your phone like a maniac. But this time, your moves were a lot more controlled as you let your phone fall. He did not bother trying to catch it and watched as the screen broke, diagonally through the middle. 

Your message cannot be delivered. You have been blocked by this number. 

.

.

You were chugging your who-knows-how many shots, in some derelict bar you'd found on the way to who-knows-where. The berserker was still next to you - in a tight-fitting black suit he got a while ago. Most of his more macabre features had vanished - mostly his tail, which would hinder him from following you. But the crimson tattoos were still under his eyes and on his arms, as he rolled up his sleeves. His muscular features got rid of most of the crazy humans that were trying to hit on you in your current state of drunken daze - and those who even dared to walk in your direction went away faster than a flash after he snarled his canines towards them.

You have had enough of being betrayed by the ones you liked, your allies. You felt like a wounded animal, but instead of licking your wound, you turned towards the things, you yearned for most of your life after pain was inflicted onto you - the rush of alcohol, the numbness of everything and the happiness that comes with a little help of a line or two. 

A happy grin was stretched wide over your face as you took another shot, but as you pointed at your empty shot glass, the barkeep just shook his head, denying you your next drink. A snort of annoyance escaped you. You turn on your heel, the world twisting a bit too much as you walk straight to the door - or what you thought of as a straight line - your servant (of course) right behind you, following your every step.

The engine of the sports car roared as you speeded down the street, not really caring about the thought that you could cause an accident or die while driving in this state. The berserker next to you also seems to not give a single fuck about the way you drove the streamlined car. After a short while of driving you found the next best thing - a high-society nightclub, you have visited maybe once or twice in your life. You passed by the line of peasants and right into the club - the bodyguard just watched you puzzled as he was pushed aside by the mad king, who followed you into the club. The club was busted with people, dancing skin-on-skin and some sketchy guy was passing on little sachets in exchange for fat roles of cash.  You walk towards the bartender, pointing out a bottle of absinthe and try your best to negotiate a price, but in the end, you just paid a whole bunch more than you could imagine. Take a sip from the high-percentage alcohol, letting it burn down your throat as you walk to the sketchy guy, offering him a bundle of cash. The man slowly fumbled in his jacket: "Babe, if you go on, you might pass out in a drain pipe", he mumbled, taking the cash in exchange for the little bag, while you just grinned, taking another big sip.

"Oh yeah, don't threaten me with a good time"

The mad king was very much not amused as you stumbled out of your car, into the bar and basically threw your money at the barkeep as you took the booze. You were high and drunk - and you still wanted more, it seems like this, as you were taking a strange bag from this peasant. He snorts in annoyance. What were you thinking? The absinthe in your hand and the drugs, in the neckline of your dress, are hidden from sight as you walk into a corner of the club, scaring away the people that sat and letting yourself fall onto the couch as your servant took his place next to you. He was very unpleased with your behaviour. But alas, he could not change your mind right now as you start to chug down the burning liquor. You cross your legs, one hanging in the air as your eyes cloud even more, getting dull by the minute as you put down the booze. An exhausted sigh leaves your mouth as he inhales your liquor-stained breath. It was really disgusting. You slowly close your eyes, exhaustion seems to take over your body and he is ready to get you back home. His eyes wander over the crowd, but stop as he hears the sound of you opening the little bag and inhaling it content before taking another big sip. The crimson of his eyes was on you as you stood up, headed toward the dance floor.

You were thrown out of the club again - not really sure why - as you stumbled towards your car, opening the side of the driver, falling halfway in, as you thought you'd throw up into your own lap, but pulled yourself together as you watched Cú Chulainn get into the passenger seat, still smooth and with a stoic, calm face, watching you pull out of the parking lot and onto the empty street. You drove like a mad lad through the streets and stopped at a gas station after you noticed the low of your tank. You grabbed the fuel faucet and started to pump gas, after missing the tank the first time (you really wanted to throw up at the smell of gasoline on your dress, but you didn't). But you got it after some trying - much to the displeasure of the man behind the counter. He yelled at you, something about wasting precious resources but he was silent after you smacked some hundred dollar bills onto the counter and left, the clacking sound of your small heels followed you as you sat back into the car. Your eyes wander towards your servant - or were there two of them? Since when did you have two Cú Chulainns in your front seat? "Ah, fuck it", your voice sounded strange to yourself, a troubled mumble while you start the car - starting off with too much speed, making the car jump forwards before you got to the right speed. Your fingers just loose over the steering wheel, letting it slip from your grip as you drift off the empty road. Luckily for you, you were out of town and Alter pulled the wheel straight, grunting slightly. You're letting fully go off the steering wheel as you push the gas pedal down to the ground. Your servant seems a bit in distress or confused as he steers the wheel to drive. You start laughing - you never thought he would do that (you really believed, he would have let you drive into your death, but to be honest with yourself, you forgot he was her for a while). After some time, your laughter died off and as you arrived in the new city you let go of the gas pedal, bringing the car to an unpleasant halt as it died off, stuttering and in the middle of the road.

Cù Chulainn Alter was kinda exhausted as he was technically forced to drive for you at this high speed until you just - stopped. He was confused as to why you suddenly were so eager to get out of the car but followed you after turning off the car and taking the key (just in case). You've stumbled towards a guy in a chiffon skirt, muttering some words of exchange, he could not hear as he stepped up, being next to you again, as you started to empty a beer bottle. He would have been impressed with the speed you tried to do it, but it took not too long, before you nearly suffocated yourself, as the beverage poured all over your chest as you tried to breathe for a short while. The stranger smiled wide as he handed you a pair of hot pink high heels. You on the other hand were not that happy as you slipped off your original shoes and put on the heels. You were a bit wobbly at first, trying not to fall, as you started laughing with the stranger, leaving the mad king very confused, you turned around and waved your goodbyes, walking away wobbly, trying not to break your ankles while walking. Still laughing, you started twirling. It was probably far past midnight and it was way too cold, even though it was summer, the nights were still freezing. And you only got a dress on. Cú Chulainn sighted, as he changed into his ordinary outfit - seemingly out of nowhere his armour was back in place, the big fur coat hung in bright crimson red over his shoulders and his tail slowly swung from the right to the left. Glancing over at you he clicked his tongue as he threw his coat over you. You stumbled and nearly tipped over from the sudden weight added to your small frame, as you threw the coat off your shoulders. 

A grunt escaped you, captured by surprise as Alter threw his coat over you, leading you to stumble and nearly fall over with the heels. You tossed the coat back to your servant, grunting in annoyance. "Leave me the fuck alone", you hissed. Stomping away, your servant still on your heel. Your mind was misted by the rush of the alcohol and the drugs you took. Gripping harder onto the bottle of beer you still got from the stranger. You've had enough of the play of sympathy and fake affection people try to throw in your direction to lure you in. Only to break you and throw you away, after they got tired of you. "I said fuck off!", you yelled, throwing the bottle at the berserker, who dodged it smoothly. "If I would 'fuck off' you would die", he said - probably the first words he said the whole night. "And if so. I don't fucking care, okay? Just - just let me die then", you hissed, ending in an exhausting sight, turning your back to the servant, starting to move forward again. Tears started to pool in your eyes as you slowly dragged one foot in front of the other. Slightly sniffing as you wipe away the wetness of your eyes. "As if anybody would care", you mumble. Clearly, your up was over and you've hit rock bottom - or it feels like this as you keep walking, ignoring the servant behind you. 

After a while, you found yourself back in another bar, but it was not too long and the barkeeper told you they would soon close. After a short discussion, you've got a bottle of booze to take with you as you left the bar behind you. Again stumbling through the streets of a strange city you didn't know. You were exhausted and really just wanted to lay down, or sit down or something like that...  Another big sip emptied the bottle in your hand. You shook the bottle, disappointed from the sudden loss of your last joy as your eyes started to wander over the place. No one was there. No one. Not even your servant. Strange. He really just went away after all. He probably was tired of taking care of such a useless master, who could not even take proper care of herself and turned to drugs and alcohol to wash away the problems that towered over her. A sad sight escaped your mouth as you turned to walk again, but you stopped.

"Take a seat, master"

The berserker stood next to a shopping cart, the chain that normally holds the carts together was ripped apart. His huge coat laid out in the cart as his crimson eyes wandered over your sad figure. You were not moving, just holding back miserable tears. He stepped into action, picking you up and laying you down into the cart, carefully warping the crimson coat over your shivering figure. Your eyes were matt and dull, exhausted from the small bit of world you've got to see. But that small part of the world was not really kind towards you and it just ate you up and spat you out again. He pitied you, as your eyes moved to hover over his huge frame, which seemingly took over your whole vision. 

"The world is no kind place for such a soul as yours.

 But no worry, master. 

My spear will never fail you."

15Qs for 15 Friends

tagged by both @sherlock-is-ace and @vroombeams (many thanks !! :D)

Are you named after anyone?

Not to my knowledge, my parents just picked a name they liked (i was the one to tell them the meaning of it actually lmao)

When was the last time you cried?

Last week i Sobbed my eyes out at the series 2 finale of Astrid et Raphaëlle. Literally crying like a baby the entire second half of the episode (it wasn’t even a Sad episode. just very meaningful and well written.)

Do you have any kids?

Nope lmao. I would like them in the future tho!

What sports do/have you played?

So many! The mains ones were Netball and Lacrosse - i love playing sports so much, team ones esp. Dodgeball was also a fav of mine.

Do you use sarcasm?

I’m much less sarcastic than i think i am. I have issues picking up on sarcasm, so when i do you it i try to be really obvious about it. I mostly succeed.

What’s the first thing you notice about a person?

Like if i’m walking past a stranger? Probably whatever jacket/coat they’re wearing. Meeting someone face to face? Probably their facial composition (like distance between features). No idea why but it’s a theme. Noses are fun idk

What’s your eye colour?

Solid Brown. Looks cool in the light tho!

Scary Movies or Happy Endings?

The only horror film i’ve rly watched in Tusk and i really don’t know if i enjoyed it or not. I am also not a fan of Zombies or Werewolves (freak me out) so more often happy endings!

Any Talents?

If you don’t count my ability to spreadsheet (how dare thee) i’ll say im quite naturally athletic, as well as gaining muscle and fitness quite quickly. other than that uhh no idea

Where were you born?

Somewhere in the land of Angles.

What are your hobbies?

Spreadsheeting! Genuinely I must spend at least 15h a week on excel having fun. That and reading fanfiction on AO3 are my main go tos if i have free time.

Do you have any pets?

Nope but i Really want an Italian grey hound or Borzoi in the future. look them up i have a Need to own one. plz.

How tall are you?

179cm! I have been tall my entire life and v happy about it.

Favourite Subject in School?

Purely academically, definitely Maths. esp at GCSE it was plain fun to do (helped that i sat next to my best friend too) and past that i think i just have a brain suited for it. Second Order Non-Homogenous Equations my Beloved

Dream Job?

I do not dream of labour or however that quote goes, but Ideally i’d like to use excel a lot. i wish i were kidding. I did want to be an accountant when i was like 7 so I’ll go w that.

tagging: @toilethamster @simplydm @siryyeet @ininininininstayoutstayout @russilton @hecksee @starsandfluff and whoever else. no pressure ofc!

omg these are bangers i got greedy 🍅🥐🍬🍄

<3 <3 <3

🍅 ⇢ give yourself some constructive criticism on your own writing

this one is here! you and t have it in for me today!!

🥐 ⇢ name one internet reference that will always make you laugh

So close!! That is a shape 💕

also tutant meenage neetle teetles

🍬 ⇢ post an unpopular opinion about a popular fandom character

hoo boy ok STRAP IN! i think maybe we have talked about this before on discord, oh well. i don't think coronabeth is fat in canon, and i'm just not into it in fanon. i think she's tall, i think she has big hair, i think she has big presence. i think she's got some bazongas and some curves and she's not as wasted-thin as ianthe. i think there is weight bias deeply entrenched in House culture (and that's not a criticism of tamsyn muir, i think it's an interesting part of her worldbuilding). the most iconic binary in this world is necromancer and cavalier: someone whose power literally eats away at them, and so thinness is evidence of necromantic strength; and someone whose purpose is to fight, and so muscleyness is ideal.

i think gideon, for example, is muscley fat. tamsyn described her as built like a rugby player, thick and solid. she only eats protein paste and greens and works out a LOT, she's achieving the cavalier ideal of muscle mass, and she lives in a freezing cold environment where the extra insulation of some fat is helpful. ortus, on the other hand, is not muscley--he's just fat. his size is perpetually derided in the narration. he fits nowhere on the binary of what's desirable in the Houses, and so he is utterly unattractive and therefore inconsequential.

coronabeth is the hottest girl anyone has ever seen. she's healthy-looking for a necromancer. she's the opposite end of the spectrum from ortus: also neither skinny nor muscley (until NtN when she's got some biceps), but in a vivacious way that makes everybody super into her. yes, because she's a woman and this is a sapphic series, but also because House culture has clearly held on to pre-Res standards of attractiveness. boobs, hair, a white girl with a great tan, probably a trendy amount of "thicc." i don't feel, personally, that fanon-ing her fat does me as a fat person any great service; it obscures any conversation on the actually interesting weight bias happening in the books that echoes and complicates the weight bias of everyday life. seeing a fat corona doesn't tell me that people think my body is traffic-stoppingly gorgeous or that i have value outside my attractiveness or non-attractiveness, it tells me that the only character who can afford to be consistently fat in fanon is the one who is repeatedly praised as the most attractive in canon, and that's only if she's sexy fat--bosoms breaching containment, pillowy and perfectly shaped hips and thighs and ass, just a little bit of belly and back rolls sometimes as a treat.

tbh if it's a kink thing, folks should do what floats their boats! but to me it's not some big representation win, just own the kink, make everybody sexy fat, whatever (i mean this genuinely, i am in favor of kink even though this is not one of mine).

so i guess my actual hot take is that i wish there was more ortus art and fic about how the strength of his love and conviction and lungs all saved the day and he did it while being fat and depressed and not sexy

🍄 ⇢ share a head canon for one of your favourite ships or pairings

i answered this one here but i'll do griddlehark too for funsies! i think neither of them is the least bit suave or confident in relationships, doubly so with each other, they are the two shyest and most tittering, blushing, nervous, virginal queers you have ever seen and it would take them weeks if not months of dating to even start taking their shirts off to make out let alone anything spicier. no matter how many bases they hit they will never not be shy, they will just keep raising the bar of where the shyness starts.

Writers Truth & Dare Ask Game

you should post more about marianne i want to know about your idea of her

YAY.

ok all we get in canon is Kind woman. thats i she has like 0 flaws Im not saying this in a shes perfect omg way 😍 im saying it in a she doesnt have much depth in canon kind of way but i think In my mind shed be a little pushover And stinky too but in my mind shes a little moreeee. like daring and a little bit of a people pleaser. Like if you told her to eat rotting fries of the ground shed be like Aww. Well if you want me to thats ok :) And she eats it up a little ravenous with it you know. But on the other side of the coin shes also more adventurous and less cautious like if someone told her NOT To listen to people who tell her to eat rotting fries of the ground shed be like. What if i want to :/. And adding to the people pleaser thing shes willing to put herself in a little danger To get peoples attention (kinda like bender but like. more kindhearted and stinkier ). Shes basically my oc at this point with how much i extrapolate off her character like im making this up from like the single episode shes from and the fact that she chose zoidberg the scary alien and i want her to come back so bad . Im adding depth to her character that i so desperately wish she has you see.

Some misc headcanons that dont really make sense but are fun to imagine. In my fucked up world Shes zapp brannigans sister and her last name would be marriane brannigan. Only evidence i have is that theyre both blonde and mariannes last names never revealed. I think it would be fun to imagine just cause of how different they are and i like the idea of them being related I genuinely dont have any evidence for this i just think it would be funny and fitting

Other headcanon which i hold less strongly is The brown haired little girl (tonya) of the same episode who tap dances in the b plot is either her daughter or sister. This hc i have even less evidence for cause she would seem like kind of an important thing for marianne to mention but still it would be funny . Its fun to imagine marianne as a single mother Or older sister she has the kindness and lovingness for it i think.

If she comes back i reaaaaaaaally hope they explain why shes been gone for a while. My most ideal explanation that the writers probably wont deliver is that shes not part of the timeline that season 11 was in. Like after time broke in the s10 finale Meanwhile and they just kind of jumped back on s11 & I basically interpreted the entirety of season 11 as one of the many alternate timelines that split since fry broke the time button in the s10 finale. but since the finale of season ELEVEN kind of dealt with simulation-breaking shit I think the timeline fucked up a bit.

Realistically if they brought her back they wont add to her depth and shed prob be back for just a single episode, or broke up with zoidberg or something, but my timeline theory is a little cooler. I WANT HER BACK.

edit: also if tonyas her younger sister then it contradicts my zapp brother hc cause i cant imagine tonya and zapp as siblings. Thats all

I knew Sakurai voices Cloud, which is never not funny to me, man is everywhere (rip though, his own actions have greatly tainted my enjoyment of his work), but I wasnt aware Suzuken was in FF as well! Amazing. According to Google he was Zack (your cruuuuush ha ha, I am bullying you <3), so again two characters voiced by these two men who have a weird thing going on. That is objectively hilarious

THE FACT YOU RECOGNIZE ZACK AS MY CRUSH. HELLO. HELP.

BUT YEAH. YEAH.

*grabs your shoulders gently* you have no idea. how much this fact is haunting me.

Like i started playing gbf because a picture of Percival got my attention, but, i cannot stress enough, those two were almost the reason i got into granblue because a friend got into my DMs like "holy shit Icha you're never going to believe it."

See, the ending of Crisis Core has been something that like. actively changed the direction of my life? like i'm not even kidding it's that drastic. A friend dared me to play the ending of Crisis Core and that, if i cried, i would have to play the whole game, and at the time, i was very much thinking video games were a waste of time and everything bc of my mom's teachings (i was like 12 okay), so i scoffed and thought yeah alright. And i was such a mess because of the ending of CC my life changed drastically after that. (and considering how ff7 in particular changed my life and helped me through horrible times, this is pretty telling.)

The reason i'm bringing it up is that the ending of CC is "Zack dies trying to protect Cloud, who at this point is in a coma, and Cloud manages to crawl to Zack's body to hear his last words, while still lethargic, and Zack just manages to tell Cloud by the end that Cloud has to keep living and be his living legacy (especially to counter the fact Cloud tends to have suicidal idealization esp in the result of his grief later on)". (all of that with the knowledge Cloud is going to forget all about it bc trauma).

And it ruined my life. it genuinely ruined my life. I ended up becoming obsessed with this concept of "becoming the legacy of the person you loved, who died to protect you". "living legacy" was part of my url in the way back.

And i mention it, but, i have a Zack/Cloud playlist and one of the song in it that kills me the most is called Saturn by Sleeping At Last. It's relevant.

AND SO.

MY FRIEND. MY BESTIE. SWEETHEART OF MY LIFE. (who also followed me because she loved the way i talked about Cloud at the time. despite the fact she didn't know anything about ff7 back then she just loved my enthusiasm. She's still my bestie to this day).

Just one day hit me up like "Icha..... do you know that in Granblue there's a ship that fits Saturn by Sleeping at Last too? Literally a Living Legacy ship???"

I legit had my friend SUMMARIZE ALL OF WMTSB TO ME. in early 2019 before i even considered getting into gbf (i made an account in August and started playing in November of that year.)

and a few weeks later suddenly she hits me with "WAIT I DIDNT TELL YOU THEY'RE VOICED BY SAKURAI AND SUZUKEN"

And i was there. my life ruined. never fucking recovering

For the record if you didn't check the link those are the lyrics of Saturn:

*grabs your shoulders still gently* do you realize. Do you realize the amount of psych dmg i have been taking ever since i got into granblue fantasy. The stuff that has been following me.

AND SO. "Character A is [indisposed] and Character B dies trying to protect them. When Character A wakes up they're not in the best shape, but they manage to crawl to Character B's dying corpse to hear their last words, in which they're told to keep on living and carry on the legacy of what they used to do before that". APPLIES TO BOTH THOSE DYNAMICS. DO YOU THINK I EVER RECOVERED FROM THIS.

So yeah this is like, actually a source of a whole lot of my pain reading wmtsb, and i can't bring it up all the time, but it literally follows me. I'm fucked.

Honestly very touched you managed to connect the dots on how haunting it is for me. My life is a joke.

My HCs of other Riddlers reacting to Gotham Riddler weird clown fetish scene:

[it has a small pull of riddlers cause I'm lazy]

WoRaJ Riddler - This mf has a crush on Joker. Clownfucking? That's his ideal date. He nods enthusiasticaly.

Codot Ridder - "Give me one reason I shoudn't murder the writers of this show right now, Jon!"/ "Because it's funny."/"So murder it is"/"If you do that people will know this scene upsets you, more importantly, Joker will know this scene upsets you"/"Fiiineee. Wait. You're smilling. Why are you smilling?"/"Can't I simply be happy?"/"No. You never smile. Unless you made a new toxin breaktrhough or you are planning something.... Oh hell no.... JON?!"/"What, Eddie?"/"If you dress up as a clown in bed we are DONE, I'm breaking up with you and destroying your shitty truck as a revenge!"

BTAS Riddler - Does not understand what the scene means. Why would he be happy if his girfriend was also dressed as clown? Decides Ed means he would like to have Lee helping him in the mission and it's happy with his conclusion. Clownfucking doesn't even cross his mind. He is too ace for this shit.

2004 Riddler - Lee is his type. Clowns not so much. Envys his counterpart for having two potencial romantic partners who fit his type (Lee and Oswald).

95 Riddler - Never though of it. But he is a kinky bastard. Tries to dress Harvey as a clown to see if he will feel somthing over it.

66 Riddler - RANTS. RANTS. He rants soo much that at some point he is not discussing clownfucking or his lack of atraction to clowns anymore but about how in his superior opinion mimes are better than clowns anyway. He doesn't have a fetish on mimes he just sidetracks too much, unfortunally now his henchman think he has (and some even dress as a mime for work the next day to try to seduce him, he is confused but maybe he forgot he had planned something involving mimes to destroy Batman?)

Arkham Riddler - It's very sleep deprived. Has clownfucking nightmares. His subsequent tantrum is massive. He rages about it to his robots. Accidentaly makes clownfucking freudian slips for the rest of the week. It's very angry about that.

Pre New-52 Riddler - This is Gotham and Clownfucking means you are attracted to Joker. Realises that there is a worse thing than being considered a poor mans Joker. "Query, Eccho, what do you think about killing some series producers? They are sexist and offended me too many times." [P.I Riddler would just sue them, maybe launch embarassing private details of the writers on the internet]

Telltale Riddler - Would do nothing cause he is dead. Lol. Outside that would extract revenge in a violent fashion, he isn't atracted to clowns but even if he was how dare they.

Lego Riddler - Wouldn't get the coment. Would end up talking to Joker about it because it looked like a joke and Joker gets jokes. Lego Joker would not get the joke either and would say that it was about clowns being great. Lego Harley would but she would not have the heart to tell them.

Unuried Riddler - Never got this far in the series. Not even for rant purposes. He has more empathy than most riddlers and when he saw the show was just that sexist and ableist he stopped. If someone showed him the scene by itself would probably be confused and a bit putted off. But hey who is he to judge someone's kink *proceeds to judge the kink*

If I was given such power as yours, I would never use it to judge or decide who loves or who dies nor will I use it to decide what I think my people want versus what they really want. Call them mere peasants if you wish but I learned that no matter our social standing, we are all the same. My religion's God didn't paint us in different skin colors or factions. In his eyes we are all the same. In short it's to protect not dictate.

But of course this doesn't mean there was inequality in my world's past. The reason why we moved away from imperialism and conquest is because we saw the very worst of war and what pointless ambition and hatred can do to entire nations. It leads to deaths that soar in the 10s of millions and new weapons being developed just to act as a deterrent to prevent future conflict. The two world wars of my world still leave many traumatized and have vowed not to repeat such terrible conflicts again. I understand that every system is flawed and that achieving utopia is impossible but we can at least try and maintain the peace for as long we can.

As for Vladimir. I dare to say. That you and him are similar in many aspects. You both want greater power at the expense of others. But power in the wrong hands often corrupts and the corrupted seek more of it. It makes them think they are untouchable until they see they are not. Understand this. You cannot control who writes and tells your story in the history books. No matter how infallible you think you are, at some point the house of cards will come crashing down. Cow as many as you can to heel and massacre all those who oppose you until there's nothing left but you. You will be the ruler of nothing. It will show that your ego is weak. That you abuse the power given to you. And that you think that only you matter. Forgetting that even simple peasants have families and lives of their own.

Ooc: I don't mean to mention too much war or cause a political stir. I just wish to see how your muse will react. Thanks for listening.

Oh, I see, you're more like Zuzu with your egalitarian and pacifist ideas, but the truth is his gang still had to beat me and father, taking our power just by being stronger... no, by exploiting our weaknesses, like I myself would do. Also you seem like the type that wouldn't forgive me for my past, but, anyway, let's imagine you're true to yourself and your ideals. You see, main problem with that soft approach is that you can't trust people. There always will be someone willing to exploit it, use violence on you, backstab you or punch you in your open face, or make you use violence, continuing the cycle of violence. And my destiny, granted by my divine right to rule and power is to prove it to Zuzu and everyone else.

As for deity side, in our world spirits at least send and guide Avatars, but, again, most of them wanted to kill father, and Aang was even less humane, forcing him to live powerless, broken and humiliated, in prison, so as far as I'm concerned, spirits are also power players AND hypocrites. Ooh, and also, tell me, for I am an alien for you and may not happen to know, since when golden domes are the essential part of most of your world's temples and how they are primary to the, say... world hunger problem? And how comes preachers of ascetic lifestyle have a tax-less business with 1600% profit(candles)? If your gods are not like oh so despicable Fire Lords, why build them palaces fitting Fire Lords? And if they don't need those palaces, who needs? Above-mentioned preachers of ascetic lifestyle? Disciples of this virtue? Think about it, dearie. At least, in my world, spiritual caste lives in literal floating rocks.

You know, you offend me by comparing me with that totalitarian from your world... Because everybody knew and knows for sure I am and always was fully and primarily dedicated to the glory of the Fire Nation, not to robbing it, we have honor in our family and at least we call things their names. For example, in our state, doctors and teachers are well-paid and we don't encourage marginal lifestyle in workers, punishing for crimes, not making organized crime an alternative career path. Admit it, you most probably will find yourself lacking truly free will despite all those illusions your system built. Most of people there still work without real sense or hopes, as peasants should, but they have powerful delusions of significance and have greed-induced ideals of nouveau rich lifestyle. You may be ascetic and happy without ambitions, but if everyone was living like that, humans wouldn't ever exit primitive state. Ah, yes. Final blow. Our authority will never reach such hopeless levels of dominance upon plebes as your world's system, because, ironically, individuals are much greater power here, where almost everyone can manipulate elements, let alone those pesky spirits who will do everything to restore balance. Government can take your means of defense and offense, whereas in our case the only ones who can do it are Avatars, personally.

Although, I might admit. You are right about omnicide thing. If I terrorize everyone, everyone betrays me and I become ruler of nothing, so I have just to give them all a perfect dose of deception to fix their strings firmly on my fingers. I understood that while I was in the mental institution. And that's why nobles like my father and old me were doomed in your world and you are now ruled by puppeteers with talking heads. Yes, it all makes sense to me now, as I became the kemurikage. You know, before judging someone you see as a despot, firstly make sure you're not living under something much worse and much more deceptive...

OOC: Thanks for the disclaimer, in reality I unironically enjoy constructive discussions through different prisms like this one, it's genuinely interesting =)

tl;dr, rambling about life

So i didn't finish my term paper, instead i fell sick and it's disappointing to me that I am gonna fail the class, but I also think it is really making me think about what is important to me, how i organise my time, and so on, because I keep taking on way too much, thinking that if i just work hard enough i can do it and if I can't then I am just too lazy and not good enough. And it is kinda crazy that i still think this way even though I am the first one to tell other people to slow down, that they're not lazy (because laziness in general does not exist), that they should look after themselves first... But applying it to myself is so HARD, i think when i see other people its so much easier to ignore all the societal pressures and to look past how deeply ingrained these messages of "if you just work hard enough you can do it!" are in us. I always feel like i am falling behind, because the way I go about life just does not fit the straight line of "go to school, to college, get a degree in 3-5 years and then get on to your career etc". I have so many interests and it is so hard for me to stay with one thing and i don't think that its a bad characteristic of me, i actually love that about me. But it just doesn't fit in with how I feel like my life should be, based on what I see around me, what is being portrayed as the "ideal" life. I first studied chemistry for a few years after I switched to political science, and when people ask me I usually say that it was just not for me etc; and it is true to some extent but I also actually do not regret studying it at all. I loved parts of it and I loved that I had the opportunity to learn so much about natural sciences before committing to the human sciences, because I love learning, I love expanding my mind, I wish I could learn as many different subjects in my life as I want. My CV is sort of a mess because I also switched around wildly different jobs, there is no clear coherency, but I loved being able to experience all those different things. But I know that all of this just looks so bad in the eyes of employers and that thought constantly stresses me out.

I am also battling C-PTSD and have been for all my life, and I keep forgetting how hard that is. I never wanted to be alive for ..most of my life, and now I do and it is such a HUGE change, such an amazing feeling to wake up and be actually excited for the day. When I was younger I thought I'd be alone my whole life, but now ... I don't feel alone anymore. I made actual, human connections, I know what love and deep friendship feels like and it is the greatest gift in my whole life. But at the same time it is so frustrating because even though it is an achievement that is actually INSANE, i would dare to say more difficult than any degree, any job, any of these external things; but it is just absolutely not visible for anyone around me. It's like...people look at my messy life, my messy CV, the time I need to study, my failures, and judge me based on that and I wanna scream that they have no idea of the strength and the difficulty it took me to get there in the first place but most won't understand, and particularly when it comes to finding jobs, mentioning that would be a death sentence anyway.

I guess a lot of this is really anxiety over jobs, and over financial issues. I am afraid of my future because I feel like nothing is safe. And the other part is my anxiety over how other people see me. Which is annoying that it still affects me that much, but I guess its a long road to finally let go of other people's opinion, especially when so much is stacked against me in that area because not giving a shit about other peoples opinion is an easy thing to say when you fit in; but as a queer, neurodivergent person, i usually... don't. Which is why i need to surround myself with "my" people a lot more, but I am still working on that.

Anyway. So I have been thinking about how I want to structure my life going forward, and for me it is crystal clear that I need to focus on the things that are actually important to me even if it will take me even longer to get my degree, and even if it makes me less employable and less palatable, less 'successful' in the eyes of society. I want to make keeping in touch with the people that I care about into a priority, even if i feel like i don't have the time. I want to try more things, i want to learn more languages, and I want to have the free time to do that. I want to work in whatever job interests me at the moment, even if it doesn't "make sense" for my CV, because I'll never know where it might lead me, and honestly, nobody's life is 'secure' anyway. So unless financial distress forces me to, I will put my interests, my life over any kind of career. I don't want to apply for anything that doesn't interest me even if it would look good on the outside. I will take the time that I need to do my studies even if it seems "too slow". I will take time to rest.

I will take care of myself, this is my promise to me.

One Sunday Morning

*This is something that I've always kept in my void for so long. A gem from an old blog (circa August 2021), a gem about an old heartbreak. The memories in between were irreplaceable.

To: -

Subject: One Sunday Morning

Date: August, 2021

I saw you today again like how I envisioned my morning would be, although it’s not that I was anticipating for it but it can’t be helped, in the same usual Sunday but a frigid June forenoon and the streets were exposed to suspended mists under the daring navy skies – perhaps the rainy peak of the year when the place feels a little bit lonelier and more dramatic. Definitely my favorite atmosphere.

On the same hour earlier than expected, you arrived late and I was sitting there not noticing how you walked slowly; thinking I was sober or just enough doused in my drink that I hadn’t realize my heart didn’t skip like how it used to be. And on the same spot, few meters just across mine, where I can see you in my peripheral vision but won’t dare, or maybe still trying hard not to, you sat in silence and I was being hailed by my sudden impulsive consciousness relatively counting minutes until my eyes meet yours again.

You arrived a blur to me but I knew I saw something in between those denied eye contacts and behind my heavy cheek lines and caressed smiles and fuzzy void. You were still the same except that your hair grew longer than the last time we met, and oh my, you were still the tall and idealistic guy most of the girls around me would drool for, at least when I caught their eyes looking into your direction several times. You looked thinner on the first glance, but that didn’t make you less of who you really are. And I am not crazy for telling you that your hunter green crewneck sweatshirt embraced your body, like how mine fit me also except that it was red and white and it was never a couple color to count to.

Maybe some of the people would say that seeing their ex crush would feel oddly weird and dreadful for such experiencing the awakening of the burning crave that almost drowned them years ago. For me, I wasn’t actually looking forward to it, but it is some sort of a deja vu that I couldn’t cease. It would happen; it’s an inevitability that’s forever stuck in my life.

I would usually end the week on a clearer state, yet still at the back of my mind, a strong force reminds me of our interaction once we see each other again in the church; an enough reason to wanting to jumpstart my week, and for me to not remember what life was like before you and I and before you and I was no longer – funny, as if we really happened.

Not my naive heart feeling the same butterflies again everytime I see you. No, it isn’t like that anymore.

But I hope the next future Sundays I’ll see you again and you’ll recognize my moves unsettled in the corner, while me continuously tucking my hair for no reason, I hope there will be no more walls and we will act as strangers who have completely forgotten what we never were – that glimpse of a life where we could have been. I know, love. I just know before I have ever felt it in my hands. One Sunday morning will come and we would be different individuals, with lives of curated journeys and past regrets. You with someone who is like me except that she’s taller, hair much softer, her dress, much fancier than my regular suits. And she has this ideally-good laugh, with her eyes shining whenever she smiles; and you, mouth half-opened talking to her, sometimes jaw-clenched as your comb your hair while the other one’s holding her soft hands, feeling her heart, that undoubtedly as it seems, all yours.

It will sting me slowly, in accordance to my heart’s beatings, excruciatingly and with affirmation, but I will look forward to the day where that would happen, where I’d be regretful but has a familiar feeling of calmness and certainty that on that very moment, it will still be me even if there is no more you, at the end. As I feel the warm tribute of my heart slipping from the corners of my eyes; and right into my soul I will realize what a lucky Sunday morning it must be – to see the man of my dreams, I guess, finally living his, in the place where I thought he’d take my heart once again. 

I’m done keeping my composure.

Sorry, this will be a LOADED post! (And I’ll be repeating the points others have made)

for real, to everyone being nasty and telling heartbroken fans that “Dean was always supposed to die get a grip you’re just butthurt etcetera etcetera—” F you royally.

How dare you police the brutal feelings that’s been embroiling us since the Finale That Must Not Be Named aired. 

The show you think you all watched, the show you all believe was the same SPN from Season 1-4, changed at some point. Kripke wrote his original vision, put it to screen, saw it through in S5 as he intended, and closed the door on that era.

In 2008, Supernatural was adopted and inherited. As you know, there was a supreme paradigm shift post-Kripke era. The show FLOURISHED (we won’t talk about Gamble thanks). It evolved, transformed, grew beyond trauma-induced self-worthlessness and toxic masculinity and endless death and hegemonic social ideals and conservatism and repressive anti-revolutionary ideas. Castiel, the iconic favourite and beloved staple of the series portrayed by Misha Collins, was introduced in Season 4 as the core lead character, and he ushered in a brand new era of Christian mythos that SPN took advantage of. Longevity SKYROCKETED. Audiences were INTERESTED. SPN amassed an incredibly groundbreaking fanbase infused by non-nuclear principles. A massive subversive wave began, fighting the Status Quo of the times since 2008. It’s precisely why such an abysmal ending to a show of extensive Freud-Jungian metanarratively meta META complex stature and social POWER will render us totally and unbearably broken for years to come.

Point is, DEAN WINCHESTER NO LONGER WANTED TO DIE. HE WANTED TO LIVE. HE WANTED TO SIT ON THE BEACH, PLUNGE HIS TOES IN THE SAND, AND SIP UMBRELLA DRINKS WITH HIS BROTHER AND HIS BEST FRIEND. He said this in Season 13. And then, a season later, he told the ghost of his long-deceased father — the source of his deep-running trauma and the figure of self-reductive authoritarianism permeating his arc since Season 1 — after being questioned why he didn’t pursue the Nuclear Fam, that he already has his own: his brother Sam, his adopted child Jack, and Cas.

Dean’s best friend Cas. Oh god, Cas, who made his inevitably permanent mark on Dean’s soul beyond allyship. Castiel, renamed to Cas, God’s -iel removed by Dean. Dean, the human spark that lit the fire of pre-existing autonomy in the inherently rebellious angel who was, this entire time, the catalyst for free will in God The Writer’s puppet show. Their friendship set on goddamn fire. I can also write paragraph upon paragraph about my love for Cas while devastated tears stream down my face, but I digress—

Cas’ romantic love for Dean pushed our main Heart of SPN to love himself. Love is free will. Free will is also love. Of note, Cas’ love confession in 15x18 was supposed to offset something so vastly important and fundamental...to maybe (read: most likely) pull the trigger on SELF-TRUTHS in conjunction with free will. And The Great Anticipated Follow-Up to the episode penned by the passionate Berens should have included (read: seemed like it was going to be) Dean, closeted trauma survivor in love with his best friend, being given the opportunity to do it right: to SPEAK HIS TRUTH, and then that very singular opportunity was STOLEN so grossly. After poring over it for days, I refuse to believe we made their years-long story up out of thin air, spun it out of fantastical-delusional dream cotton candy, because we DIDN’T. IT WAS REAL.

As I said in another post: “I’ve just been feeling physically ill for the past >40 something hours with the terrible knowledge that 19/20 undid years of vital progression towards healthy interdependence, autonomy, and a positive endgame, where Sam, Dean and Cas close the ring of found family in final empowering self-fulfillment...where Dean, no longer repressed and set free, is able to use his words and speak his truth as a queercoded trauma survivor, henceforth confirming and self-affirming his own bisexuality since S1 by reciprocating — by telling Cas that he always loved him, too, loved him endlessly, which would have altogether divested Supernatural of its cult status and catapulted it into global worldwide significance as the longest running sci-fi genre show in American broadcasting history that actually dared to defy and, by proxy, empower LGBTQ2IA+ everywhere who found profound personal meaning in Destiel through VALIDATION,” — found themselves mirrored in Dean and Cas’ respective character journeys individually and as each other’s queer love interests.

THIS IS WHY DEAN WASN’T MEANT TO DIE.

THEY WERE SO ESSENTIAL, NOT JUST TO THE OVERARCHING STORY AND HEALTHY INTERPERSONAL THEMATICS OF MODERN SPN, BUT ALSO TO THE SOULS OF THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE ACROSS THE WORLD WHO FOLLOWED THEIR JOURNEYS, HOPED FOR THEM, ASPIRED TO BE LIKE THEM, TREASURED THEM, WEEPED FOR THEM, AND FOUGHT FOR THEM, LIKE YOU AND ME.

Heck, how could anyone think Sam Winchester had a well-deserved characteristic ending? He didn’t. Dean’s brother was shafted so badly. He stopped hunting when seasons ago, he had canonically accepted that he no longer wanted an apple pie life. He simply...turned the lights off in a resoundingly empty bunker and left — abandoning his dead brother’s room — never to return (he did return later to get the Impala, family photos etc, I mean this symbolically)...as if — dare I say it — Supernatural itself eerily told us, in the negative-spaced pitch blackness, that the organic show and the wonderfully complex, matured characters we’ve grown to love weren’t going to survive or be revisited...that it was all going to perish, and that they no longer gave a single shit about their own show, which, to me, is the worst cardinal sin, because how dare they throw Team Free Will, an immovable and indomitable and passionate found family they built from the ground up, a found family CHOCK FULL TO THE BRIM OF LOVE AND LIFE RAGING AGAINST THE AUTHORITARIAN MACHINE IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE FREE WILL, under the bus no matter who is to blame. Growth was stomped on.

Then Sam married a faceless wife who wasn’t his textually established (and deaf) love interest Eileen, named his son Dean Jr., and grew old miserably, still mourning the passing of his older brother, shaken and sombre. Back to square one. IT WAS ALL ANTITHETICAL, even OUTSIDE a shipping context, and I ripped my hair out at this point in sheer disbelief.

This 15x20 ending would have fit somewhere between S4-7. Now? IT DOESN’T FIT. IT’S A JAGGED PUZZLE PIECE THAT DOESN’T BELONG ANYWHERE. IT’S THE FOREBODING UNKNOWN STRANGER IN ITS OWN LAND, BOTH LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY. This kind of ending was basically an illogical, unsound cluster of metastasized cells that, to me, ruined the viability of previous seasons to sustain bold praise and respect and dignity and rewatches and classic nostalgia in such insidious ways.

Dean Humanity Winchester and Cas, after everything they’ve been through, were silenced and lost in death, ripped apart from each other, unable to love each other the way they deserved, because of disappointing, vile incompetency and homophobia. The greatest love story ever told, again obliterated in less than 60 hollow minutes.

You know what this tells your audience, CW SPN? Death without self-growth is the way to go, and no one is allowed to forge their own path to freedom.

HOW INSULTINGLY HARMFUL IS THAT?

I don’t think I’ll ever stop grieving.

We all deserve answers.