tl;dr, rambling about life

So i didn't finish my term paper, instead i fell sick and it's disappointing to me that I am gonna fail the class, but I also think it is really making me think about what is important to me, how i organise my time, and so on, because I keep taking on way too much, thinking that if i just work hard enough i can do it and if I can't then I am just too lazy and not good enough. And it is kinda crazy that i still think this way even though I am the first one to tell other people to slow down, that they're not lazy (because laziness in general does not exist), that they should look after themselves first... But applying it to myself is so HARD, i think when i see other people its so much easier to ignore all the societal pressures and to look past how deeply ingrained these messages of "if you just work hard enough you can do it!" are in us. I always feel like i am falling behind, because the way I go about life just does not fit the straight line of "go to school, to college, get a degree in 3-5 years and then get on to your career etc". I have so many interests and it is so hard for me to stay with one thing and i don't think that its a bad characteristic of me, i actually love that about me. But it just doesn't fit in with how I feel like my life should be, based on what I see around me, what is being portrayed as the "ideal" life. I first studied chemistry for a few years after I switched to political science, and when people ask me I usually say that it was just not for me etc; and it is true to some extent but I also actually do not regret studying it at all. I loved parts of it and I loved that I had the opportunity to learn so much about natural sciences before committing to the human sciences, because I love learning, I love expanding my mind, I wish I could learn as many different subjects in my life as I want. My CV is sort of a mess because I also switched around wildly different jobs, there is no clear coherency, but I loved being able to experience all those different things. But I know that all of this just looks so bad in the eyes of employers and that thought constantly stresses me out.

I am also battling C-PTSD and have been for all my life, and I keep forgetting how hard that is. I never wanted to be alive for ..most of my life, and now I do and it is such a HUGE change, such an amazing feeling to wake up and be actually excited for the day. When I was younger I thought I'd be alone my whole life, but now ... I don't feel alone anymore. I made actual, human connections, I know what love and deep friendship feels like and it is the greatest gift in my whole life. But at the same time it is so frustrating because even though it is an achievement that is actually INSANE, i would dare to say more difficult than any degree, any job, any of these external things; but it is just absolutely not visible for anyone around me. It's like...people look at my messy life, my messy CV, the time I need to study, my failures, and judge me based on that and I wanna scream that they have no idea of the strength and the difficulty it took me to get there in the first place but most won't understand, and particularly when it comes to finding jobs, mentioning that would be a death sentence anyway.

I guess a lot of this is really anxiety over jobs, and over financial issues. I am afraid of my future because I feel like nothing is safe. And the other part is my anxiety over how other people see me. Which is annoying that it still affects me that much, but I guess its a long road to finally let go of other people's opinion, especially when so much is stacked against me in that area because not giving a shit about other peoples opinion is an easy thing to say when you fit in; but as a queer, neurodivergent person, i usually... don't. Which is why i need to surround myself with "my" people a lot more, but I am still working on that.

Anyway. So I have been thinking about how I want to structure my life going forward, and for me it is crystal clear that I need to focus on the things that are actually important to me even if it will take me even longer to get my degree, and even if it makes me less employable and less palatable, less 'successful' in the eyes of society. I want to make keeping in touch with the people that I care about into a priority, even if i feel like i don't have the time. I want to try more things, i want to learn more languages, and I want to have the free time to do that. I want to work in whatever job interests me at the moment, even if it doesn't "make sense" for my CV, because I'll never know where it might lead me, and honestly, nobody's life is 'secure' anyway. So unless financial distress forces me to, I will put my interests, my life over any kind of career. I don't want to apply for anything that doesn't interest me even if it would look good on the outside. I will take the time that I need to do my studies even if it seems "too slow". I will take time to rest.

I will take care of myself, this is my promise to me.

I'm rewatching Steven Universe and I will never forgive Fandom for what it did to her

tag yourself: intrepid heroes' alter emos as ppl who went to my public high school

Clockwork sent Danny back in time, a few hundred years. Then he told him to take a nap.

He swore that the ritual chamber he'd transported Danny to was isolated, and that Danny wouldn't age.

But good goddamn, Danny needed some sleep. The kid is a baby ghost, and they're supposed to spend years forming.

With how powerful Danny is?

He's going to seriously stunt his growth if he doesn't go the fuck to sleep.

Dani can just sleep whenever she wants at Clockwork's place, but Danny can't take the rest he needs or he'll skip his entire mortal life. So; the timeless chamber for sleep.

And Danny...Danny's fucking tired.

Sleep sounds fantastic. He'll wake up in a few hundred years and feel refreshed.

Sounds great.

The chamber siphons ectoplasm from the surrounding areas, feeding his ghost half, which keeps his human half alive and fine.

It also radiates Realms energy, which can make any human who gets too close for too long a little insane.

Gotham is built on top of that chamber.

That chamber powers every single curse in Gotham.

Clockwork didn't tell Danny this, of course; but Danny's length of necessary sleep depended on how much Ecto his developing core got it's hands on, and normally it would have only been a one hundred year nap.

The curses siphoning off of it made it three hundred or so.

So when Danny finally wakes up, and the protections drop, he lets out a biiiiig stretch, yawns-and goes home. He feels rested! Awake! He finally got some fucking sleep!

Meanwhile, every single curse in Gotham breaks, all at once.

At the same time, the excess Ecto that the citizens of Gotham had been having leeched off of them? Suddenly it's staying with them, and their Liminality breaks through overnight.

It's chaos.

playboy sent shel silverstein to fire island for a week in 1965

new heresy that makes the bible way funnier:

god genuinely had no idea that people would be able to disobey him, when he made them. angels couldn’t! everything in the universe was just an extension or a reflection of god himself, operating in perfect mechanical order. then he put a spark of his own creative consciousness in an animal and it turned out it could disobey him.

like, that’s why he told adam and eve not to access a perfectly accessible tree. nothing else in the universe up until that point would have done something he told them not to.

that’s why he asks cain a perfectly ridiculous question, given that he would have watched the murder happen right in front of him: where is your brother? what did you do to him? he didn’t know cain could lie. even when adam and eve disobeyed him, surprising absolutely everyone involved, they hadn’t figured out lying yet. cain figured out lying.

that’s why god decides to destroy humans and start over only a few centuries later. he has no idea what to do. not only are people disobeying and lying to him, they’ve started completely ignoring him, too. he can control the wind, the water, the plants, the animals, the angels, the heavens, the earth. but he cut a part of himself loose and gave it to this totally unique new critter and now he can’t get it back. he can’t make anyone do anything, and now they know it. he had to carve humanity back down to the one family that actually, for whatever reason, still listened to him, and he had to ride them pretty fucking hard from that point onward to make sure they didn’t just..... stop. because at any point basically any human, ever, even the ones who liked him, could just randomly decide to fuck off and do their own thing.

then like, according to christians, god thought maybe he could get a handle on whatever the fuck was going on with how bad humans were being by making another human who had even more god in him than all the other humans, and that didn’t work either. and also even jesus himself didn’t know what humans were going to do next, which was kill him young. like, god had to break the news to him based on an educated guess, and it was a big surprise to him! he was really upset! there’s a whole scene!

like, i think this is hands down the funniest fucking thing to conclude about god ever. he didn’t know it was going to turn out like this when he started and he didn’t know what to do when it did. he’s been basically scrambling to stay on top of the situation for six thousand years and he’s totally beefed it repeatedly.

god the omnipotent lord of creation knows everything, except what you’re going to do next. god the supreme ruler of the universe can do anything, except stop you. you have a little piece of god inside you and it lets you defy the most fundamental machinery of existence basically whenever you like.

if that’s not funny, i don’t know what is.

John Greens twitter going out with a bang. Im so sorry for what we did to you sir

[id: screenshot of a tweet from @JohnGreen that says "People often ask this coffee company about my favorite taste. My favorite taste is coffee. Not only that, but coffee smells amazing. 100% of profits to charity". A link to awesomecoffeeclub.com is attached. /end id]

coworkers to lovers prompts ˗ˏˋ ꒰ 🍊 ꒱

¹⁾ “hey - in case no-one else’s said it, you’ve been doing some really great work lately. i really apprec- i mean, all of us really appreciate it.”

²⁾ “if you keep putting in nights this late, i think [boss] is gonna start charging you rent.”

³⁾ “stop jumping in whenever you think i need saving! i don’t need defending, and i don’t need you!”

⁴⁾ “you remember how i take my coffee?”

⁵⁾  “you don’t need to keep pushing yourself so hard, you know. we all know how hard you worked to get here - it’s okay to let yourself breathe now.”

⁶⁾ “if you don’t wanna spend the night in a empty house, you could always come over to mine.”

⁷⁾ “normally when you invite me to lunch, it’s with everyone else too. what’s so different about this time that you needed me alone?”

⁸⁾ “don’t tell anyone else, but i like working with you the best.”

⁹⁾ “hey, why are me and [name] being split up? you know we do our best work when we’re together.”

¹⁰⁾ “i figured you wouldn’t have the time, so i went and picked up lunch for you.”

¹¹⁾ “wow, someone’s looking good. who’re you trying to impress?”

¹²⁾ “[other coworker] told me you nearly lost it when they all tried blaming me for what happened. why did you care so much?”

¹³⁾ “do you make house calls to all of your coworkers when they call in sick, or am i just that special?”

¹⁴⁾ “why are you freezing me out all of a sudden? I thought you were happy I was dating again, and now you act like it pains you to hear about it.”

¹⁵⁾ “until such a time as the two of you can prove that you can work as well on your own as you do together, you’re going to be put on different schedules.”

¹⁶⁾ “why didn’t you tell me you were up for the promotion? did you seriously think i wouldn’t be happy for you?”

¹⁷⁾ “you do know you’ll be seeing me first thing in the morning, right? what’s so important that it couldn’t wait until then?”

¹⁸⁾ “one date, that’s all i’m asking for. one night to let me show you how good we could be together.”

¹⁹⁾ “i think people are starting to notice that you spend more time at my desk than you do at your own.”

²⁰⁾ “no, you don’t get to do this. you don’t get to make me fall in love with you, and then tell me there’s no way for this to work because of the job!”

I know some dickheads have now decided that Judaism is the "bad, violent, terrorist religion" and Islam is the "good, peaceful" one, which is only to be expected of white people, but how much of an issue is it currently? Like I've seen some USAmericans sharing how the Islamic faith shapes Gazans values and perseverance (good) except with that distinct white hippie "I'm about to imprint on this like the world's most racist duck" vibe (bad), but I didn't think they're already turning on Judaism in numbers.

Do they realize that Christianity is also the same kind of comfort to Christian minorities in Asia and Africa? That it was Buddhists that genocided the Rohingyas in Myanmar and Tamils in Sri Lanka? That Hindu fundamentalists are even now trying to ethnically cleanse Muslims in India? How Hindus and Christians are terrorized and persecuted in Pakistan? That Muslims have a history of persecuting and ethnically cleansing Jews too?

Really tired of asking y'all to be normal about people's religions man. There's no religion that's inherently violent or exceptionally peaceful. It's just like any other ideology that becomes a weapon in the hands of ethnic power. Interrogate power, not religion, and respect people's belief systems insofar as they aren't in your business.

Edit: I've amended the "long history" of Muslim persecution of Jews because it might be misleading in the current political climate. Zionism and antisemitic Arab nationalism are twin births resulting directly from Christian colonization, and Islamic empires tended to actually be more tolerant of other religions compared to Christianity, especially Judaism, which was considered a sibling religion. Antisemitism wasn't ideologically entrenched in Islamic tradition. It's simply that ethno-religious power will lead to ethno religious domination and intermittent cleansing of minorities, and Islam is no exception. Humans be humaning always.

freaky monster astarion stans rise up (wyll is having the time of his life)

the choice between Edward & Jacob is not a question of which relationship is healthier or which partner is best suitable for Bella. neither is correct. neither is best. neither produces a happy ending for Bella. at the end of the day this is still a vampire novel. any choice Bella could make would yield, at best, a bittersweet happily ever after.

if she chooses Edward, she gets the terrifying Breaking Dawn ending: a girl who rejected her call to grow up has hung her love & her eternity on an emotionally stunted partner who hates himself marginally less than he loves her. she's a teen mom with a kid she never wanted who perpetuates the generational trauma passed down from her parents. by keeping this child, the Cullens have set the stage for an uprising/cold war against the Volturi who are likely to take revenge in order to maintain power. Bella is living in a tenuous "dream come true" wrapped in a nightmare & doesn't realize it.

choosing Jacob is the true coming-of-age ending that rips the stitches out of a wound that never fully healed. even if we ignore the fact that she ends up with a man who sexually assaulted her (we must bear in mind Jacob's character is influenced by smeyer's racism, but it did happen), they can't have a secure romantic relationship. based on the high imprinting rate of the pack, Jacob will likely find his imprint in his lifetime & will lose himself to the imprintee. he will no longer be her Jacob. he will inevitably abandon her (whether he wants to or not), & she must reconcile with the reality that she will always be inadequate to Jacob's imprint. & say he never manages to escape the vampires? he will presumably not age for a long time, meaning the relationship Bella always feared with Edward (her being an old grandmother while he stays forever young) remains a possibility. this is the story of a girl who slaps a Band Aid on an open wound & calls herself healed while flinching every time she sees the shadow of the knife that cut her.

if she chooses neither (team therapy), her healing requires her to lose or be at least partially disconnected from everyone she cares about. Bella must spend the rest of her life shut out from one world while never fully existing in her human world ever again. she must always keep secrets. she can never go back home. even in the unlikely event that she manages to escape the Volturi, the threat of being hunted by vampires will never leave her. in addition, she must face her worst fears (aging, losing Edward) while always keeping in mind the immortal life that could have been hers, if only.

even the "healthiest" option produces scars that will never quite heal.

Twilight is a horror. Twilight is a vampire novel. Twilight is gothic. Twilight is fiction. neither Edward nor Jacob is a "bad" choice because neither will give Bella her happily ever after. the choice between Edward & Jacob is simply a matter of which horror story you prefer to read.

I love how the general consensus in Scum Villain ABO fics is that whatever Shen Jiu's secondary gender was, he was lying about it.

Omega? Obviously he's going to cover that up. Potential weakness! Probably related to past traumatic experiences! No one can know! He's going to pretend to be either a Beta or an Alpha instead.

Alpha? Hates it and everyone else and has no interest in playing the type. Hides it less because of how other people might respond and more because he's having some kind of complicated dysphoria about it.

Beta? I've never see it but I bet he'd disguise that as well. He's totally an Alpha, don't ask questions, fuck off and don't violate the mile-wide personal space bubble.

Whatever Shen Jiu is, we all know he'd be wildly uncomfortable with it.

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Assisting Acquaintance Acquired.

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