Autism and tactlessness

I don't know if this is part of the general autistic experience or is more specific to people who grew undiagnosed — I can only speak for myself — but something that really bothers me and makes social situations far more exhaustive than I think they could be, is policing everything I say.

I was diagnosed with ASD after adulthood, but I didn't need a paper to see, throughout my whole life, that I struggled and suffer the effects from it. And one thing is that I am aware, as my loved ones like to point out, that I am "tactless" a lot of the times, which can mean I don't realize when I'm being rude, annoying or inconvenient, specially when I can't understand why that'd be.

Because of that, I was often corrected while growing up. Things that I said that were plainly honest, spontaneous or curious were pointed out as bad, usually without a good explanation on why it was bad, just that it was. After that, I'd usually be punished in a way or another, being not getting an explanation, receiving silent treatment and being ignored, having people mad at me, shouting at me, blaming me for a myriad of things or accusing me of things, laughing at me. All that came off as a punishment for being and talking the way I was.

Years ahead, now that I am an adult, I realized I learned something. Instead of learning why saying certain things is bad, I learned to be scared of what I say. I feel tense and constantly try to analyze what I'm gonna say even when that is meaningless because I can't find what could be bad about it in my memories. If I get too relaxed and let the words slip away, I get anxious I might've offended someone. I'm constantly scared to be offensive and be punished again.

That also means I am always scared of being abandoned by the people I love, and my first assumption will always be that I did something offensive without realizing. I know I'm an overall grumpy person, but I tend to be scared of people when they're mad, I tend to get anxious that they'll never want to talk to me again and I'll be alone.

I am exhausted of fights that I don't understand why even happen. Of not understanding why people get mad at me. Of feeling rejected by people I trusted and loved. Of overanalyzing everything I say and still being scared of going through all that again.

Disclaimer: I am one autistic person, late diagnosed and mid-low support needs, talking about my experiences and opinions that I believe are related to autism. I do not speak for other autistic people, only for myself.

Autistic Safe Spaces

If you own a business or a restaurant that serves the public, as the issue gets talked about more, you might be wondering how you can better help the neurodivergent community. Some places try to give spaces where autistic people can go to get their needs fulfilled, so if that is of interest to you, I've compiled a list of things we really enjoy.... made by an actual neurodivergent person.

NOTE: This is list is made by an adult, for adults and teens. The needs of children are slightly different, though similar, and would surely require a different list. 1. Silence - A lot of places, including malls, restaurants, and crowded stores, are overwhelmingly loud. The brains of autistic people process stimuli differently, and we can't "tune out" sounds in the same way neurotypicals can. Silence can involve the (seemingly) obvious things, like turning down music or reducing the number of people in an area, but a lot of things are loud to the point of pain that you might not think of, including metal silverware on ceramic dishware, shopping carts, doors opening and closing, and shoes on floors. A good rule of thumb is to think about how you would feel in a space if you had a migraine. This is easier in some places than others, but accommodations such as plastic dishware, softer floors, and carts left outside can make a big difference. 2. Stillness - I call the visual category stillness and not "blankness" or "simpleness" because that is simply not what I mean. A space can still be quite beautiful while not being overstimulating. We do not want ugly things, and you can still use style and color theory and design principles, but we do want walls without too much signage or distracting detail, floors and carpets without tightly repeating patterns or too much contrast (stripes and small tiles both bug me), and a visual block from the rest of the world, where things are moving like crazy.

3. Style - Because autism is often seen as a disorder than affects children, style can often be overlooked when designing materials and spaces for autistic people (although this, I would argue, is silly; many brilliant artists are / were on the spectrum, and a child, especially an autistic child, can enjoy beauty as much or more than you), and if you have the chance, I plead to you-- remedy this. Autistic people can appreciate detail and wonder in a way that is not concurrent with anything neurotypical people do, and along with having "icks", things we find particularly distressing, we also experience "glimmers", moments of unbounded joy over (possibly) seemingly ordinary things. I feel glimmers when shown any well-executed style; I feel glimmers in office buildings and abandoned neighborhoods and driving by courthouses... any style that is significantly different from my own, and significantly committed to the bit, so to speak, is a wonder to me. If you have the money and the resources, give us beauty, give us a an area that contains classy chic lounge or a medieval tavern or a vast, well-made mural of hyperfixations you polled from your own customers... pay craftsmen to give you a 20th century train station or a heist or an illusion floor in one area that looks as if dwarves are mining for gold hundreds of feet below you. You do not need to overwhelm us with detail-- this area need not be unusually large, or contain live-action roleplaying employees, or be loud or bright or over-the-top-- but you should also take the project seriously, bring people who love what they do and will truly take this opportunity with joy and a keen eye for style. 4. Solitude - I am a high-masking individual, which means that when I am being watched, I cannot "safely" relax; if you appear distressed, people sometimes talk to you, and ask if you are okay, which is a nightmare for me. I strongly prefer small, quiet spaces where I can be alone, about the size of a bathroom cubicle (which is where I do go to decompress a lot), where I can be unobserved and alone. It is a wonderful feeling-- it doesn't need to be (and shouldn't) be a perfectly soundproof room, but just somewhere I can be myself for a minute.

5. Snacking - Being autistic is exhausting. We process 42% more information than you all, and it really takes it out of us. Lots of people on all ends of the neurodiversity spectrum people have trouble waiting long hours between meals, but when a lack of snacks could mean a meltdown... please just let us eat our own food. At a sit-down restaurant, waiting for the food and not being able to eat anything until it comes is unbearable, I just get so hungry and frustrated, while being overstimulated and masking the whole time, and on top of that, because I cannot eat gluten, dairy, or much sugar / refined carbs, the appetizers are usually unappetizing or off-limits for me, and the food on the menu itself just as bad. I don't actually get much sustenance from meals provided and / or eaten in public, and a bit of acceptance around eating a couple pecans while you wait for you meal goes a long way. This is also true in stores, especially in malls, where food sold is usually not of much value to me, but there aren't great places to sit down and eat something. And, as a side note, if you want to sell food that appeals to people with autism, think Plain, Cheap, and Childish-- I mean this with absolutely no disrespect to autistic people, but I would never in a million years eat a fancy sharp cheddar (it tastes awful and gives me a headache), but I love the shredded colby jack from Costco. We like simple mac 'n' cheese, chicken nuggets, plain noodles, hot dogs... if a fancy chef would think it wasn't real food, it probably tastes amazing to us.

In conclusion: I don't know why I alliterated this list; I just started doing it, and I liked it. Many autistic people love life and everything in it, we just can't take it in all at once. Give us beauty. Give us the silence and stillness to appreciate it. And, overwhelmingly... leave us alone :). We love our solitude.

I have just been chatting in this post (I'm sure there are spelling mistakes please ignore them lol), so feel free to add if you have more ideas, fellow neurodivergents. POST SCRIPT: If you are doing anything similar to this, please talk to autistic people before embarking on a journey like this, and take in a wide bank of opinions. Don't worry, we like to answer honest questions, and we talk quite a lot if you let us. We love you guys. You got this.

A bit TMI. Autistics only

I've seen a lot of posts lately about hyperfixation and forgetting to eat.

That has not happened to me a great deal. It has happened before definitely. Also the trouble of hyper fixation and working a job is having someone break your hyper fixation to say you need to stop now and take your 15 minute break when you absolutely cannot stop.

I have horrible memories of a job I had working at a craft store where they required everyone to learn these really technical flower arrangements for displays and I would get so into it and then they would make me stop to take the required break and it was just made me want to pull my hair out. I was constantly in trouble for not taking my breaks on time & caused everyone else's brakes to be late. I didn't understand them and they didn't understand me.

But for me hyperfixation meant not going to the bathroom when I needed to. So I would hold it in because going to the bathroom paled in importance to "the task". I would hold it in until the task was completed and that's the way I have lived my entire life.

I will squeeze in, in case you were one of the few people that didn't know that I did not get diagnosed as an autistic until the age of 45.

Now I am nearly 10 years past that diagnosis and I am starting to have bladder control problems that are making my life a pain.

So no longer can I say oh let me finish this -----it can wait.

It can no longer wait.

It comes whether I want it to come or not.

Poise pads are my best friends.

I can't help but wonder if this would be different if hadn't trained myself for 50 years to hold it in until I was done with whatever it was I was doing.

Tagging @autistic-af

and wondering if anyone else as an adult autistic has these problems.

Me in 2020, falling into rabbit hole of ADHD tiktoks and subsequently also of 'signs you have autism' posts: this is very interesting and all but I don't have autism haha that would be wild

2023, 21 year old me at the doctors yesterday: Good sir I have the autism pls give diagnose

As an adult autistic, it's always endlessly fascinating to me that the world has 'support for families with autistic children' whether those children are adults or actually under 18, but there's this assumption that if you're able to live alone, on your own, or that you have a job, you need no further support from the world. The most recent of all of these issues I've seen is that there are vacation planners/travel agents who specialise in helping families with autistic children have the best vacation possible, but when you say 'I'm an independently living autistic adult' there's suddenly zero support and they just go 'yeah you can do it all yourself'. Like no actually I'm trying to plan a huge disruption to all my routines and my life but I want it to be enjoyable, so please have a listing of all the details so I know if it sounds enjoyable. Go with the flow? I literally can't and I literally need this information to make a decision. Low support needs isn't the same as no support needs and I hate that there's either 'we treat you like a child and you must have a caregiver' or 'you're just a slightly quirky neurotypical' with nothing in between.

when you finally realize at the ripe age of 26 that you have autism and suddenly it all comes together

Trying to get an assistance dog funded, been trying for a while and put it aside for a bit, trying again and hoping maybe I can have a dog in training in the new year.

Adult autism is when you buy divided plates a few months into living on your own.

Because it’s just nicer if [food 1] doesn’t touch [food 2] without you making it.

And divided plates – instead of independent plates – means less dishes my ADHD has to struggle through.

So I hereby declare divided plates AuDHD culture (lighthearted/ half-joking)

The undiagnosed neurodivergent experience of being the only friend to all the obvious/non-masking neurodiverse kids who used to get bullied by everyone else at school because you didn't see anything wrong with them.

I’m 27 years old but idk man, sometimes I still feel so behind everyone else my age. Three years ago, I felt like I was finally making progress in terms of my social anxiety, OCD diagnosis, depression and getting on a birth control pill that didn’t make me feel like absolute ass. But then the pandemic came and now I feel like three years of my life have been stolen by one of the Fae and I’ve just been desperately playing catch-up ever since.

And during that stolen time, I slowly began to unmask and figure out who I actually am beneath the constant shutting my mouth to appease others and it led to me getting an autism diagnosis in my mid-twenties. That means I spent two whole decades on this planet living my life and feeling like I was some kind of freak or alien, never understanding why just existing came so easily to everyone around me. And don’t get me wrong, I’m happy that I finally figured this out! I’ve started accommodating myself and learning to get the support for myself I never got in my childhood and that has been so healing.

But there’s another part of me that feels lost and doesn’t know how to go back to real life anymore. I don’t think I can go back to the way things used to work. I think that I masked really heavily and really well as a child; I was always the old soul, too mature for her age, delighted when I could make an adult laugh or engage in conversation with my teachers like they were my friends. I wanted more than anything to grow up and be taken seriously.

But now that I’m older, I feel like I’m still trying to wear the same mask, only I’ve outgrown it. What worked for a little kid pretending to be grown-up doesn’t work for an actual adult. I don’t know how to build an adult mask, so I come across as younger than my age and I always feel like the baby of my friend group. Half the time I feel so lost and like I have no idea what I’m doing. People keep telling me that’s normal for everyone my age but I still can’t help but feel out of place.

Anyway, this is long and rambling and I’m not sure it really has a point. Suffice it to say I’m relating a lot to this is me trying lately 😅

Too sensitive to noises today. Earmuffs required🎧

Guys I just had the best idea ever

Picture this: subliminals for executive dysfunction

They're subs for topics like doing the chores, taking a shower, even encouragement to drink water and eat! I think this would be a HUGE help for a lot of people!! Thoughts??

Also, what do you guys struggle to do because of your executive dysfunction?? I already have a short list, but I'd love to help with specific things if I can!! Examples include: brushing your teeth, doing your homework, cleaning a specific area of the house, cleaning your own space, etc.

Anyways, I'm a genius and I'm totally going to be making a line of these subs!!

Big spoon autistic this, small spoon autistic that. No, no.

I bring you, spoon size/utensil type depends on what specific food you're eating and you can't eat that food with the wrong one or else autistic.

Like I can only eat yogurt with a tiny baby spoon but eating soup or stew with a little spoon give me the super jeebies and I will actively avoid that option. And this happens for several other foods, some of which I can only eat with fork even if it would be easier to eat it with a spoon. (A pie that's kinda liquidy like a blueberry pie or something would be easier to eat with a spoon, that way you can get tge juice but no. I cannot eat pies with anything but a fork without feeling uncomfy.

And the thing is I have no idea why it's like this. Why those specific foods have to be eaten with specific utensils to make my brain happy when for other foods i'm completely fine. Maybe it my ADHD and autism fighting over wanting a routine and throwing the routine to the curb. Who knows.

My partner (ADHD+dyslexia) is consistently impressed and excited that I (AuDHD) can easily make friends whenever I go places with him, especially since he knows my autism can make social situations harder for me sometimes.

And this is hysterical to me for three reasons:

1. I do actually know how to talk to people despite the autism. It’s sometimes hard and exhausting, but I am solidly an ambivert, and generally have learned how to adapt to social situations. He knows this.

2. My partner, precious chaotic soul that he is, is of course neurodivergent, which means that he inherently attracts other neurodivergent people. He seems be generally unaware of this magnetism, despite literally being a physicist.

3. Every single person I’ve actually stayed in contact with consistently from these events is autistic. Every. Single. One.

We gravitate towards each other like a hive mind.

(He usually has no idea these people are autistic until I tell them that’s how we connected in the first place… lmfao I love him so much).

(Also, he’s really sensitive to my needs because I have a lot of them so he checks in constantly and gets worried… so most of his excitement is me liking people he knows, and also that I feel ok enough to socialize. But it’s still so funny to me).

I feel like my sexual orientation and my gender identity are linked, at least sometimes. Either that, or I just feel like I have to change myself to others’ preferences at the expense of my own gender expression.

I’m abrosexual and genderqueer. I don’t shave my armpits or any of my body hair. When I hook up with someone, I feel this pressure to conform to feminine beauty standards and shave at least my armpits. So it makes me want to alter a form of my gender expression, my body hair, depending on who sees it. I want people to see me for who I am, but if there’s a hot straight guy who would be more likely to fuck me if I’m more feminine then I adapt. Ideally the hot guy would find me just as hot with or without the body hair, and like that I’m non-binary and not try to make me be a woman for them.