#about the experiences an autistic person goes through.....she laughs | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

juiles · 9 months

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All to well

Plot: idk. have fun!

Type: angst and fluff

Warnings: i am in no way saying that this is how all autistic people are!! This fic is based off my PERSONAL experience with autism and sensory overload. Please remember this as you read!!

Masterlist here!

Request here!

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Being autistic has drawbacks for a normal person, but for an actress in Marvel movies, it was tough. I’m proud of who I am but I didn’t want the pitying looks, the comments or being stuck as only getting the “autistic” role so for my own sake, I’m not super open about it.

My parents are ashamed of it so they never told anyone and I was forced to mask anytime I was around anyone. Not even Scar knew, and she was my best friend, almost a mother figure to me. I didn’t want her to think any different of me. She’s known me since i was 7 and played her on screen adopted daughter in Iron Man 2.

We’re filming Endgame right now. I’m on my way to set with Scarlett. Today has been a rough day for me so far as my parents woke me up by screaming at me which then caused me to struggle in keeping my mask up. Scar picked me up and I’m already exhausted, I’ve caught myself stimming a few times and quickly stopped it.

When we pulled into the parking lot, i grabbed my bag and walked with her through set to our trailers where we left our stuff and we’re immediately shuffled to makeup and costumes.

“Oh shit…” I mutter staring at the costume in Erica’s hand. “I didn’t realize it was a fight scene today…”

“Babe.” Erica, my assistant and on set guardian says. She’s known about me since the first day which was when i was 7. “You’ve known about this for a week. Are you okay?”

“I’m super over stimulated right now…” I murmur tapping my leg in sets of 7, a common stim for me.

“Let’s do hair and makeup first okay? Keep you out of the costume until the last second okay?” I nod and the two of us move to hair and makeup where Scarlett is getting her hair done.

“Hey, where’s your costume kid?” She asks looking over at me.

“I uh-“ I glance at Erica who steps in for me quickly.

“It had a small tear in it so it’s getting fixed quickly.” Scarlet merely hums in response and I sit. Getting my wig on and makeup done is awful, having everyone touching me and all their voices so close to me ears. I feel a soft hand on my cheek and peek my eyes open to see Scar staring at me in concern.

“Stop grinding your jaw babe…” I release my jaw, not even realizing i had been doing it. “You okay love? You disappeared for a bit there.” I respond with a hum, my voice disappearing from within. “Let’s get your costume on and to set okay?”

I look around quickly and don’t see Erica, Scarlet must see the panic as she quickly says. “She got called away in an emergency. I’m going to be your guardian today.” I nod, feeling the panic bubble up in my chest, but give her a soft smile.

The two of us make our way to my trailer and she helps me quickly slip into the suit. I immediately want to rip it off as it’s skin tight and an uncomfortable material. It feels like it’s digging into my skin and pulling it away as if it’s velcro and my skin is the other side. I take a deep breath and come out to see Scar in costume waiting. “Ready?” I nod and we head to set where I realize it’s a busy day, all original 6 avengers, Lizzie, both Paul’s, Gwen and Cobie are all there. I internally groan as immediately, the girls are coming over to me and Scar talking a mile a minute. I stand next to Scarlett silently until Lizzie turns to me. “Hey kiddo. Ready to fight? We have to fly today.” My eyes widen for a moment before i force a smile and nod at the fake red head in front of me.

“What? Cat got your tongue?” This makes everyone around us laugh but it makes me feel awful. I have no voice, it comes and goes, when it’s gone, my parents ridicule me, I get hit. I look down as i feel my tears well up in my eyes and blink rapidly trying to will them away. I thank god silently when Joe calls us to places which means i get away from the now very suddenly concerned looking Scarlett, Lizzie and Cobie. I’m stuck with Renner as I get rigged up, the feeling of being sick suddenly appearing as more people touch me.

I feel the lump in my throat tighten and the feeling of the harness wrapped around me suddenly makes me feel like it’s constricting my breathing and everyone around me disappeared as my hands flung to the harness, in my panic my hands struggled with the buckle which just made me more infuriated and grunts started coming out as my tears blurred my vision.

I feel a set of hands on mine holding them down, i scream and rip mine away and start scratching at my throat trying to rip it open to get a breath. My eyes started blacking out and the last thing i see is Scarlett’s panicked face as she tries to grab at my hands before it all goes black.

Scarlett’s POV

I know something is off with y/n. Not off but just that she was different. I have had a feeling it was autism for a while now, today proved that to me.

She was silent the whole car ride to set, normally she’d be singing along the radio but she wouldn’t even let me turn it on today. As soon as we got to set she locked herself in her trailer without a word, the next time i saw her, she looked panicked and while she was getting her hair and makeup done she disappeared fully before i brought her back. She has days where she goes mute, she just calls them her bad days, they usually happen on days she has arguments with her parents but normally she can still communicate to me in different ways but today she was completely gone. It got worse as soon as she realized Erica was gone. Walking on to set, she tended up and i saw her tapping her thigh every once in a while. The comment that Lizzie made would normally make her laugh, her reaction today was off.

I watched her from the corner of my eye but had to look away for a second before i heard Renner.

“Y/N!! What are you doing?! You’re going to hurt yourself!” I whip my head around and my heart sinks as i see y/n struggling with her harness, her hands are shaking violently, tears streaming down her face, her eyes are glazed over. I bolt over and grab her hands gently.

“Y/n baby, stop. You’ve got to stop my love.” She rips her hands out of mine and starts clawing at her throat which is when i notice she’s not breathing properly. She’s barely able to get a small breath. Instincts kick in for me and i turn to the cast and crew crowding her. “Give her space. Now. I need someone to set up a dark room with minimal sound and her clothes she was wearing this morning as well as the blanket from my trailer. A cold cloth and her wig taken off.” I turn around as she starts to collapse, i grab her arm and quickly wrap an arm around her waist. “Now!”

It’s a bit of a blur after that honestly, the next thing i know, im alone with her in the green room after everything is unplugged and blankets are draped over the windows. Her wig is already off and someone hands me my blanket and her clothes before silently leaving. I help her unconscious body out of the suit and into her clothes before draping my weighted blanket over her body. I sit back and stare at her, not touching her at all but close enough if she needs me.

It felt like hours but looking at my watch, it shows it’s only been 20 minutes when she finally wakes up.

My heart is beating what feels like a million mile a minute with panic as i watch her blue eyes flutter open before she looks around the room for a moment. Her hand comes out of the blanket and she starts tapping her thigh again, her head nodding along to each tap. She squeezes her eyes shut and i can hear her voice mumbling. “I’m safe. I’m here. I’m y/n.” Over and over again, i quietly cough to get her attention and she quickly sits up and her head whips up to look at me with wide eyes, both hands start scratching at the other wrist. “Oh my god…”

“Baby, you are safe. It’s just me.”

“No… no… no no no no no no no no.” She started tugging her hair and rocking slightly. “They’re going to kill me… you aren’t supposed to know…”

I quickly scoot over and grab her hands before pulling her into my chest, she tenses for a moment before melting into my arms. “I can’t hide it anymore Scar…”

“I know baby… I know.” I mutter into her hair swaying us back and forth slightly.

“I’m autistic…”

“Oh baby i know…” She freezes and looks at me with wide eyes. I can ready the fear in her blue eyes. “You hide it really really well but I’m basically your mom my love. I had suspicions but didn’t want to push you into telling me. Today was too much.” She nods burying herself back into me. “I need you to know that I will always listen to you. That if you ever feel like that again, you can tell me and i’ll get you out of it. Baby seeing you pass out was terrifying. I need you to know that if you’re that overwhelmed, that you do not have to do all that.”

“But… my parents don’t want everyone knowing… they’re all gonna know now…” She mumbles into me, my heart cracks.

“Baby being autistic is not a bad thing. It makes you even more amazing. It’s not something to be ashamed of at all. You are allowed to be who you are. To stim when your emotions are too high. To have bad days. I am here to show you that.” I say looking her directly into her eyes. “I’m here to support you.”

Tears welled up in her eyes as she nodded quickly. She sat up and started tapping her thigh as she stared at me. “This is my favourite stim, it’s really subtle but it calms me down… i count the most important people in my life.” She then looks down at her hand as she taps each finger. “Scarlett.” Tap. “Lizzie.” Tap. “Renner.” Tap. “Gwen.” Tap. “Cobie.” Tap. “Rob.” Tap. “Rosie.” Tap. “It reminds me that you guys would love me, no matter how broken or weird i am because i know how much you care.” She looked up at me through her eyelashes. “Another one is tapping here.” She taps her chest right above her heart twice. “Right here.” She does the tap to each word. “This is where you sit in my body. I usually only do this one when I’m not wearing my necklace. Playing with that is the stim i can do out in public.” I pulled her into my arms again as I cried.

“Oh baby…”

“You’ve always been my safe space Scar…”

“And i will be your safe space for the rest of eternity.”

We sit in silence for a few minutes before she pulls away with a smile. “Thank you. For learning how to help me.”

“You are more than welcome my love. Let’s go home and have a calm day okay?” She nods before standing up, pulling my weighted blanket over herself. I stand and wrapping my arms around her waist, the two of us make our way out of the room to find Lizzie standing not too far away, crying into Gwyneths arms. Y/n instantly runs over to her and wraps her arms around the crying woman. Lizzie jumps before she turns and sees who it is and wraps the girl into her arms.

“I’m so sorry bug. I shouldn’t have made that comment. I know how bad your parents are.” Y/n shakes her head pulling back and squeezes Lizzie’s hands. “Liz that wasn’t what caused that.” She takes a glance back at me before taking a deep breath and looks back at Lizzie. “I’m autistic and I was overstimulated and everything was just too much. I won’t lie, the comment did hurt a little but i know you didn’t say it in a mean way. You didn’t hurt me, memories of my parents saying stuff hurt me. But not you.” Lizzie’s eyes widen and she glances at me before she nods breathing to calm herself down. “If you ever need to talk or are struggling you can talk to me bug.”

Y/n nods with a small smile. “I know Liz.”

“Hey. Me too.” We all turn our head to see Gwyneth with a pout on her face. “You scared the shit out of me kiddo. Never do that again. Understand?” She pulls y/n’s laughing form into her arms.

“I understand mother Paltrow.” She says making us all chuckle.

Y/n pulls away and biting her cheek looks at me. “I- i uh- I’m not ready to face everyone else yet…”

“They already left bug. It’s just us four left.” Lizzie said smoothing the crazy hair down on y/n’s head. “I couldn’t leave worried i hurt you and Gwyn couldn’t leave me alone but everyone else left to give you privacy. Scarlett went full mama bear mode and screamed at some people for trying to push her into anything. It was great.” Y/n chuckled, which brings a grin to my face.

“Of course you did. But i wouldn’t trade you for the world.”

“I love you too baby.” I say kissing her head softly.

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thissortofsorcery · 8 months

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@intothedysphoria has inspired me to write about autistic!harringrove, and my own experiences with autism... Max, this is for you! I hope you like it!

tw for anxiety and sensory overwhelm, but it ends fluffy, I promise.

---

It started as a normal day, but it quickly derailed from there.

An asshole at work approached Billy from behind and clapped his hand around the nape of his neck, despite Billy having told him several times he didn’t like that.

Billy didn’t like being touched at all, by most people. And some people had no concept of personal space.

A horrible, painful shiver cut through his spine, icy cold and almost slimy, and Billy held back a shudder. He broke out in goosebumps, and only years and years of practice, of putting on the charm let him pull away from the dickhead graciously, laugh at whatever he said and keep himself together until he could hide away in a bathroom stall.

Billy presses his fingers to his closed eyes hard, seeing stars, and rubs the back of his neck vigorously, trying to replace that cold shiver with something else. Tears spring to his eyes, and he feels so fucking frustrated.

Finding out you’re autistic in your twenties is an experience. A lot of things start making sense, and a lot of things you pushed down and convinced yourself weren’t a problem spring back up like a jack-in-the-box, a hundred times worse.

Like the touch thing. It’s not that Billy doesn’t like being touched. He just doesn’t like being touched by people he doesn’t know, and for no reason.

Like, his physical therapist, when she was helping him regain dexterity in his hands after Starcourt, that was fine.

Some dude in the office touching his neck, even casually, not so much.

Billy takes a deep breath, tries to remember the self-care workbook he and Steve filled out together a couple months ago. Tries to calm down.

Three ways I can distract myself when someone touches me, he’d written, glancing back up at Steve with a smile. Happy they were doing it together.

Loud music + puzzle

Hot drink

Yelling

Steve laughed and shook his head (“it’s very you”) when Billy wrote down the last one, but it really did help.

Billy gives himself a few more moments in the stall before he slinks out, heading to the sinks and splashing cold water on his face. The sensory shock helps a little, the cool, pleasant feeling helping balance the sensation of something crawling under his skin.

He checks if the break room is empty before he goes in, and it thankfully is. He doesn’t want to run into anyone. Doesn’t think he has it in him to mask right now.

Billy makes himself a mug full of scalding hot coffee and hurries back to his office, avoiding eye contact with anyone who throws out a hello. So what if they think he’s angry. Maybe he is pissed.

He manages to spend the rest of the day locked in his office, headphones on, and only comes out when it’s time to go home.

Of course, all he wants is to see Steve, wants his comforting presence, even if they’ve been dating only three months. When he walks through the door of Steve’s house, he sees Steve sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, wearing his ugly vomit green socks with raccoons on them, that he’s had since he was 15 and won’t get rid of.

A wave of relief crashes through him, nearly leaving him dizzy. He breathes deep, catches the smell of his clean house, laundry, and Steve.

“Hey baby,” Steve calls, laying his head on the back of the couch to look at him, making his glasses just a little bit crooked. “Bad day?”

“Does my face look that terrible?” Billy grumbles, taking his shoes off at the entryway before he steps into the living room.

“Your headphones are around your neck,” Steve points to them, a smile ticking up the corner of his mouth.

Oh. Billy forgot to put them away. He doesn’t need them in the car.

He sighs and throws himself down next to Steve, a careful, deliberate distance away.

“I’m just ‘whelmed,” Billy mumbles.

“Overwhelmed?”

“Not anymore. Just whelmed,” He says, sighing again. His body sags, melting against the cushions. He doesn’t feel shivery anymore, but he feels tired, like he’s on the bad end of an all-nighter.

Steve puts his hand on the cushion between them, palm up, not touching Billy.

Billy takes a deep breath, watching Steve’s hand. He knows that hand intimately, knows it to be warm and soft and kind, knows how its skin feels against Billy’s, the friction making the shivers good instead of bad.

He puts a tentative fingertip on Steve’s pointer finger, and all Steve does is press back, smiling gently.

Billy slides his fingers in between Steve’s, laces them together, holds his hand palm to palm, and feels the touch of his skin like they’re buzzing together.

Billy knows he can change his mind, and all Steve’s gonna do is smile, sit on his side of the couch, and continue the conversation.

“How’s that book you were working on going?” Steve asks. He rubs his thumb over the back of Billy’s hand once, and stops. When Billy squeezes his hand, he resumes the movement, sending pleasant tingles up Billy’s arm.

“Good. The writer was receptive to what I said. They sent me a couple reworked chapters today,” Billy says, moving closer to Steve, so their arms press together.

As the conversation goes on, Billy presses closer and closer, at his own pace, and Steve accepts it crumb by crumb.

He doesn’t know what he did to deserve Steve, or how Steve is so patient with him. Steve loves physical contact. Billy does, too, but he’s so particular about it that sometimes he wonders if he’s even worth sticking around for.

Billy ends up lying on top of Steve, chest to chest, nose tucked into his throat, breathing in his warmth and his scent.

“Don’t touch my neck, okay?” He asks, hunching his shoulders a little.

“Yeah, okay,” Steve says, easy as that. “Can I touch your hair?”

“Yeah.”

Steve turns his head and kisses Billy’s head, right on the hairline, pulling a deep, content sigh from him.

“Thanks, Stevie,” Billy says, squeezing his ribs just a little tighter. “For doing this for me. Being patient.”

Steve looks down at him, frowning slightly.

“‘Course. You shouldn’t— You don’t have to thank me,” He says, earnest. “It’s not a chore, Billy. You’re not…” He licks his lips, trying to think. When he looks at Billy, it's like he's telling him a secret. “You make me happy. All of you.”

Billy’s smile is wide, stretching his full lips and showing his teeth, and Billy only drops it so he can kiss Steve.

They keep it chaste, an unhurried, soft press of lips, enjoying their intimacy and their closeness and their familiarity. Simple as it is, it's one of the best kisses he's had. Steve's the best person he's ever met.

When Steve touches him, he feels safe. Billy wants to keep him.

#harringrove #billy hargrove #autistic billy hargrove #steve harrington #harringrove fic #harringrove ficlet #billy x steve #sorcery writes #mine

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milkb0nny · 1 year

Note

could i request platonic arlan headcanons? if possible, with an autistic friend w/ a special interest in botany. (fandom is honkai star rail.)

thanks!!

🤍 𝑨𝒓𝒍𝒂𝒏 𝒘𝒊𝒕𝒉 𝒂 𝒃𝒐𝒕𝒂𝒏𝒚 𝒃𝒆𝒔𝒕 𝒇𝒓𝒊𝒆𝒏𝒅

notice: Hey Anon! I'm not really familiar with autistic behaviors and I don't have any friends that have autism. I don't want to invade in anyone's comfort zone writing about autism when I have zero experience with it. Still, big thank you! I'll just write your request how I think suits best. I'll write a scenario and some headcanons in the end. <3

characters: Arlan

content: Arlan adores your love towards botany and plants // fluff // gn! reader

warnings: none

"Y/n, what are you doing here?"

Arlan was surprised to see you since yesterday you were all stressed out by an ongoing project you and Herta work on. You carry heavy boxes and are visibly exhausted.

"Oh, Arlan! Didn't expect to meet you today... I'm so busy... Well, Herta asked me to grow some of her favorite flowers so she can see them everywhere in the space station. Now I'm planting them everywhere."

Arlan looked at you with a soft smile, just standing there. You're adorable in your dirtied pants and garden supplies. In your hair sticks a flower and of course there's a helpful bug on your shoulder. As he noticed that you nearly let the box fall he rushes to you and catches it. He laughs awkwardly.

"Didn't know Herta was invested in it that much... Do you mind showing me the area you're working on right now?"

"Sure!" You're glad your best friend is interested in your hobby. You get a lot of compliments for your honest work but rarely someone takes the time to have a conversation about botany.

You walk to an quieter area where you planted a lot of plants already. You smile as you see springtails on the dirt. Arlan puts the boxes on the ground and opens them. A blooming scent flies directly in his face and he blushes. The smell reminds him of you and it warms his heart. You're his best friend after all. Then he looks up to adore your work. Vibrant colors and fresh greens decorate the rather boring looking space station. It's all your work and passion.

"It's beautiful, y/n. I always envy you to have such a calming job. It's... It's like you make paintings of flowers real!"

You reply, shyly laughing "Well, if Asta wouldn't spend all her money so quickly it'd be way greener here. But she promised me to help me with some insects.. I can't pollinate every plant by myself now..."

Arlan nods silently and watches you digging a tiny hole in the dirt. As you pick up one of the purple blooming flowers he comes a little closer to inspect your mission detailed.

"What is this flower called?" He points out the purple flowers in the boxes and in your hand.

"Oh...the Latin name is clematis viticella. It's a similar flower that Herta wears in her hair."

You smile and plant the flower in the flowerbed, covering the roots with dirt and watering them a little bit. Then you dig the next hole for the next flower. The continuing thirty minutes Arlan spends time asking you what species you own. He gets completely dragged in a topic that is usually not his interest at all. He picks the boxes up once you finished and you both walk to get more plants. He's happy you find a way to be fulfilled here and that you're not lonely or bored. The whole day be spends helping you. He's not neglecting is duties and responsibilities, though he wants to adore your friendship. In the end you're the most important person to him.

"You know, Stella told me there's a Guard in Belobog who kinda sucks at taking care of their plants."

"The poor plants..."

"Mhm..."

▫️Arlan is one of the few people that love getting involved with your interest in botany.

▫️He's not afraid to handle some insects that you breed. It's rare to see living species like these so he is rather curious than scared.

▫️When you spend time in your room, he goes through some books and shows you what plants he really likes. It makes you happy whenever you see his bright face.

▫️Asta actually buys flowers from you to decorate her room with. Of course Arlan has to help her setting everything up.

▫️In his mind you're the best smelling person he knows. The strong scent of pollen and greens is soothing to him. To others you may be a nuisance since many people on the spaceship have allergies against pollen.

#hrs x reader #hrs #honkai star rail #hsr arlan

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lazybug16 · 2 years

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Books I read/reread in the last 3 months of 2022 and recommend (and yes, all apart from two are queer)

Also recommend to check for trigger warnings just in case, this website for books is the one I use, or you can ask!

Act Your Age, Eve Brown by Talia Hibbert

Eve Brown is 26 and still hasn't found her passion, so after an argument with her parents she drives off and finds a cute B&B that is hiring a cook, so she takes her chance, not expecting to find out new things about herself along the way

I read this book because there are autistic characters in it and I felt so fucking seen when reading this book (especially by Eve), very very good book and the dialogue is AMAZING, you will definetly laugh! Also just fyi two very explicit scenes and very graphic (all consensual and lovey dovey) but wanted to say it just in case because they use more explicit language than what I'm used to lol 9/10

All That's Left in the World by Erik J. brown

Almost a year after a flu pandemic two boys find each other and help one another on their journey to find help, and feelings might start up on the way to their destination

Started reading it because I love The Last of Us and knew this was going to be sort of that style and I ABSOLUTELY LOVED it, I couldn't put it down like... I have no words... wow, one of the best stories I've read! Jamie and Andrew my beloved 10/10

Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Two 15 year old boys meet in the summer of 1987 in El Paso, Texas, at the swimming pool where Dante teaches Aristotle how to swim, which marks the start of their friendship and adventures together, and maybe more...

An absolute delight to read and these two boys are just adorable (their parents are also super nice), very easy to read and keeps you wanting to know more about the story 9/10

Aristotle and Dante Dive into the Waters of the World by Benjamin Alire Sáenz

Continues right where the previous story ends, we see how Ari and Dante's relationship moves forward while also touching the topic about the AIDS epidemic, internalised homophobia, family and friendship

I really liked the sequel, you get to delve deeper into Aristotle and the people around him, and the ending was just as beautiful as the first one, Aristotle and Dante must be protected at all costs 9/10

Every Heart a Doorway by Seanan McGuire

Some children find a door/portal to another world which they eventually consider home, but they eventually end up back in the real world again. It might have felt like years since they left, but it's only been days for their parents/siblings who were in the real world waiting for their return, so they send them to a special school to get better (and also meet others like them who have been through the same experience)

Fantasy and mystery book (a bit of gore too because of murder), very very interesting and fast read, and if anyone deadnames Kade I will deck them 9/10

Heartstopper (volume 1-4) by Alice Oseman

A graphic novel showing the journey of young lgbtq+ teenagers showing their life through high school in the UK, the main characters are Nick and Charlie and we see them grow and fall in love

Just an amazingly adorable lgbtq+ story and beautiful illustrations, you will fall in love with the characters instantly, definetly recommend, especially for someone who might not be a "book" person since it's like a comic/graphic novel 10/10

Her Royal Highness by Rachel Hawkins

An American girl goes to a school in Scottland for her final year in high school and gets to be roommates with a princess, what could possibly happen...

The slowest of slow-burns, enemies to friends to lovers, and roommates, what more could you ask for? Sort of a mix between Red, White and Royal Blue and Young Royals but wlw. Also Perry my chaotic beloved 7/10

I Was Born for This by Alice Oseman

Angel is a massive fan of the boy band The Ark and meets up with an internet friend to meet them and go to their concert, all the while we also see how Jimmy and his other two band mates cope with fame and fangirls

You think famous people are perfect? You put them on a pedestal? Feel possessive? Ship them together? Then read this book to learn the reality of it all and maybe you can grow tf up 8/10

Lost Christmas by David Logan

A child called Goose lives with his nan in Manchester and does petty thefts for a bit of cash, alongside his dog Mutt, but what he doesn't know is that stealing a certain jewellery will be the first domino to unravel certain events that might just change his life, and possibly a second chance

This book will break your heart and mend it in the most marvelous way, you can connect with every single main character in one way or another, the story is fascinating and the twist is just so unexpected, one of my favourite books that I read as a kid and reread now 9/10

Loveless by Alice Oseman

Georgia and her two best friends just finished high school and are going to the same university, but things start to unravel when Georgia thinks that she has wasted her teens by not having her first kiss yet at the ripe age of eighteen, but soon finds out why she has never had a crush (and wonders why society is so obsessed with sex and love)

I am Georgia and Georgia is me, I felt so seen in this book and I could understand almost all of the main characters thought process and struggles, thank you Alice for writing this book, it means the world to me 9/10

Nick & Charlie novella by Alice Oseman

Takes place about a year after the 4th volume of Heartstopper, Nick is a few months away from going to university and Charlie is worried that a long distance relationship might not be the best idea... But of course, they are Nick and Charlie, so not even that can stop them

Very quick read, angsty and spicy at the same time lol 9/10

Our Favorite Songs by Anita Kelly

Aiden and Kai haven't seen each other since high school five years ago, and running into each other in a queer karaoke bar might be just what they needed to reconnect and get to know each other

If you liked Alex and Henry from RWRB then you will love this, it's fluffy, smutty and angsty and it's just an amazing story, very fast read too and it will get you hooked from the very beginning 10/10

Radio Silence by Alice Oseman

Takes place about a year or two after Solitaire, following the life of Frances Janvier and Aled Last. They need to start thinking about their future and university options, but before anything is decided, a YouTube podcast called Universe City might be the answer they needed

Oof okay, this was darker than I thought it was going to be, had to take a few breaks because of intense scenes and personal trigger warnings, that's why I lowered the rating by a point, but just like any other Alice's books, very well written 8/10

Red, White and Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

FSOTUS Alex and Prince of Wales Henry have to pretend to be friends, and in doing so actually become friends, and something more (shenanigans ensue)

One of my favourite books EVER! (If not my favourite book that I've read so far) Amazing characters, amazing writing and you feel the emotions so deeply, and Alex is a little shit (affectionate) throughout all of it 10/10

Solitaire by Alice Oseman

Takes place in the universe of Heartstopper (around volume 3-4), but this time the protagonist is Victoria "Tori" Spring, Charlie's sister. We get to see her life at school and at home, and how a blog named "Solitaire" changes everything

Much darker that Heartstopper but still an amazing story, you really just want to give Tori a hug 9/10

They Both Die at the End by Adam Silvera

People recieve a phone call on the day they are going to die to inform them of the tragic news, two boys in their late teens recieve the call and spend the last day together, forming an unlikely friendship and something more

I'm so much like Mateo it's INSANE, also very interesting how some of the characters were connected with one another, very interesting concept and part four was my favourite, but also get your tissues ready because you will CRY 8/10

This Winter by Alice Oseman

Takes place about 1-2 weeks before Solitaire, during Christmas day. Written in Tori, Charlie and Oliver's POV

Very quick read, and you get to know the extended Spring family a bit more, also Nick's family a bit 9/10

Volverán a por mí by Josan Hatero & Use Lahoz

"Disobedient" teenagers are sent to an academy in scotland over the summer so that they learn how to be good and disciplined, meanwhile three strangers become friends and find out what really happens in that grey mansion and try to escape

This book is in spanish, I read it for the first time when I was in high school (like 10 years ago when it first came out lol) and instantly fell in love with it, it has the same vibes as Every Heart a Doorway but more dramatic, very cool and easy to read 9/10

Queer rep:

Act Your Age, Eve Brown (pansexual character)

All That's Left in the World (gay and bisexual characters)

Aristotle and Dante (gay characters)

Every Heart a Doorway (asexual and transgender characters)

Heartstopper (gay, bisexual, lesbian and transgender characters)

Her Royal Highness (bisexual and lesbian characters)

I Was Born for This (transgender, gay and bisexual characters)

Loveless (asexual, aromantic, gay, lesbian, pansexual and non binary characters)

Nick and Charlie (bisexual and gay characters)

Our Favorite Songs (bisexual, queer and non binary characters)

Radio Silence (bisexual, gay, demisexual and agender characters)

Red, White and Royal Blue (gay, bisexual, pansexual and transgender characters)

Solitaire (bisexual and gay characters)

They Both Die at The End (gay and bisexual characters)

This Winter (bisexual and gay characters)

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demogordon · 1 year

Text

Lovecats

PART ONE

Pairing: Steve Harrington/GN Autistic!Reader

Wordcount: 2.4k

Summary: Steve Harrington has hit rock bottom. His girlfriend dumped him, he didn’t get into any universities, and to top it all off, he’s stuck wearing this stupid sailor outfit every day. He just cannot seem to catch a break. Cue “Meet Ugly.”

Category: Fluff, Slow burn

Warnings: language (duh), very light blink and you’ll miss it mentions of Stancy

Notes: Reader in this story is based very strongly off of my own experiences with neurodivergence. Autism is a broad spectrum, and what is lived experience for me may not be for you and vice versa.

----

Steve chalks it up to his hair’s lack of its usual luster because Farrah Fawcett’s hairspray line has been discontinued. Girls just aren’t into him the way they used to be, and with every poorly hidden laugh or eye roll, he withdraws further into himself, the certainty he’d once had dwindling rapidly. After the astronomical failures of the morning, he needs a win. He’s ready to get back out there, in motion, but he’s got nothing. No future, no confidence, no “King Steve” persona. He’s not Mr. Cool or Mr. Funny. He’s bullshit, bullshit, bullshit, why wouldn't other girls see that too?

When a girl he recognizes from school, Shirley Something-or-Other comes in, wearing a powder pink shirt and a knee-length skirt, and a fluffy half ponytail, he allows himself to have some hope. His head floats away, envisioning Nancy again, in such a Nancy outfit, with such Nancy hair. The interaction goes disastrously. He tries to pull out the suave guy who used to get dates, adjusting his posture and giving her the classic Steve Harrington smile: boyish and a little lopsided.

“Ahoy,” he says. The girl just stares and blinks at him, rapidly batting eyelashes clumped with thick blue mascara.

“Ahoy,” she replies, raising her voice at the end as if she’s asking it as a question.

“What can I get for you today? A scoop of Strawberry Sails? Chocolate? Sprinkles? Maybe some good company? My number?” He wiggles his eyebrows at her, to invite her to laugh.

Instead, Shirley does that smile, saccharine but taunting, and the way she arches her eyebrows as he talks tells him that she’ll be telling all of her friends about this later.

Steve catches his first glimpse of you as she speedwalks out of the shop, cone in hand. He’s never seen you before. He’d definitely remember it. You’re sitting on the edge of the decorative planter outside of Scoops Ahoy with giant, clunky headphones on, legs and feet curled under you at an odd angle. In your hands, you have a thick book, but he’s much too far away to make out the title. Two children, much younger than you, run around wildly around you. He assumes they belong to you in some way, because of how much the three of you look alike.

Robin comes up behind him, too close, and leans over him, resting her chin on his shoulder. Breathing against his ear, she mumbles, “Whatcha lookin’ at?”

Steve wriggles away in annoyance.

“God, haven’t you heard of personal space?”

“Nope,” she says, ignoring his escape attempt, opting instead to follow him and obnoxiously crack her gum right next to his ear.

“What is wrong with you? Like, actually?” he snaps, scalp prickling with sweat as heat floods through his skull. It’s bad enough working here with stupid flimsy uniform shorts, a stupid sailor hat, sticky ice cream all over his hands, and being too hot and too cold at the same time without Robin breathing down his neck, laughing at him at every opportunity. It’s humiliating is what it is.

Robin hops up onto the counter and kicks her filthy converse sneakers up dangerously close to the open containers of ice cream. She squints, peering down her long nose at him. Her face softens, almost imperceptibly. Pretending like she hasn’t been making fun of him all morning, she says, gentler than usual, “You okay?”

Steve huffs miserably and drops his head down to stare at the ground.

“Is that so, big guy?” she says. Steve tries to blow her up with his mind.

“Oh, shit, twelve o'clock,” Robin exclaims suddenly, leaping off the counter. Steve realizes that you’re walking toward the Scoops entrance, guided by two very eager children. As you walk, you’re rummaging through your bag, and when you pull your hand out, you’re clutching a few dollars in your fist.

Steve leans across the counter as you fold and unfold the bills in your hands. You have giant, clunky headphones on, covered in funky smelly stickers. It’s kind of rude that you don’t take them off, he thinks, but you are cute, and besides, you’re probably listening to a great song.

He wonders briefly what sort of music someone like you listens to. The Cure, maybe. He can imagine you, flat on your back under the sun, listening to Robert Smith’s airy vocals, eyes closed, half asleep in the summer heat. Daydream you stretches backward like a cat, back arching off of the grass, arms spreading up and reaching above your head. He likes you there, in a park, maybe on a picnic.

Image in mind, Steve quirks his usual charming smile, the one that used to score him dates in high school but you don’t seem to really be looking at his face, just at the money in your hands. Once again, it’s something he might think was rude, except you seem nervously focused on your hands. You’re shy. It’s cute.

“What are you listening to?” He asks, only to be met with a furrowed brow. You look

confused like you have no idea what he could possibly be talking about. He points to his own ears, feeling the blood rush to his face and begin pounding in his head over the mall’s synth soundtrack.

“On your headphones,” he clarifies, feeling less certain and more embarrassed by the second. You’re still not quite looking at him, but your eyes are piercing, making his underarms and the small of his back prickle with sweat.

“Oh, they don’t do music,” you say, offering no further explanation of their purpose. You shift back on your toes, carrying most of your weight there and you frown a little.

“Could I get two cones? Um, one-scoop ones?” Your gaze drops to your feet.

“Yeah, sure, what flavor?” You turn to the children accompanying you with raised eyebrows like you’re not prepared for the question, which surprises him. You duck down a little to let the children communicate with you more clearly. Your listening face is intent and serious and you do little nods of your head to the rhythm of your quick blinking. When you stand back up, you shoot to your full height like a projectile before immediately ducking your head so you can avoid eye contact. Steve wonders if he smells bad or something.

“Two strawberry, please.”

“I’m sorry, we don’t have ‘strawberry.’” He realizes immediately that this was the wrong joke to try to make when your face falls. You look legitimately distressed. Steve backpedals immediately.

“We only have Strawberry Sails.” Your face doesn’t relax. Your eyes have stretched wide, and Steve wonders what he possibly did to make the universe hate him so much that it sent him someone who would be this alarmed by his teasing. Annoyed is better than stressed or concerned or whatever emotional journey it is that you’re on. He resigns himself to the third You Suck tally of the day and sighs deeply.

“I’m joking, that’s just what we call it here. At Scoops Ahoy. It’s regular strawberry.” You let out a series of deep breaths that probably count as laughter. Steve pivots on his toes to go fetch the cones and get you out of the shop as quickly as he can to spare himself even more embarrassment. What happens next is inevitable, a combination of rushing about in a tiny space and attention to detail instantly results in disaster. In his hurry, he bumps his hip against the ladle stuck in the chocolate syrup and sends it clattering to the floor. The trajectory of the launch sends a spray of it across his chest and stomach and the front of his shorts. Shit. He pointedly does not look back your way as he scoops the ice cream.

“Alright, two single scoops of strawberry, that’s two-fifty,” Steve says, reaching over the counter to hand the cones individually to the children. You make no move to grab them, just hand him three crumpled ones that you’ve been desperately trying to smooth out. He reaches for the money but you interrupt.

“Oh, you’ve got something,” you say, and he goes to brush it off. “No, on your nose. No, other side.”

It’s a smudge of chocolate, of course, and since there's no saving his uniform from tonight’s wash, he wipes it off of his thumb onto his shirt. You’re smiling, so broad and big. It squishes up your eyes and crinkles your nose. You have a pretty smile. Steve wishes he didn’t get to see it for the first (and probably last) time after he’d already made a total fool of himself.

“Did I get it?” Steve asks, hoping that maybe he hasn’t and you’ll reach across and rub it off for him. No such luck: you shoot him a thumbs up. He exchanges your three one-dollar bills for fifty cents in change, which you deposit into the tip jar before turning and exiting stage left.

A sarcastic slow clap starts up behind him and he peeks over his shoulder to watch Robin presenting her whiteboard through the employee breakroom window. She takes her red Expo and adds three additional tallies to the YOU SUCK column. Steve protests vehemently.

“No. No, no! That wasn’t worth three! It wasn’t that bad!”

“It was absolutely that bad, but I can do a breakdown of where it all went wrong.”

“Please,” Steve sighs, intending it sarcastically. Robin is more than delighted to comply, either deliberately ignoring his facetiousness or ignoring it entirely.

“Well, first, you didn’t get a yes or a number. So that’s one YS. YS stands for-”

“You Suck. Yeah, I got it.”

“Two, you spilled chocolate sauce all over yourself. So now we have two YS points. And three, you scared our poor patron to death with that whole ‘we don’t have strawberry thing.’ What was that? So our total is now three.” Robin puts on a fake deep voice as she quotes him and she settles down enough to admire her board. Then Steve opens his mouth and only digs the hole deeper.

“You forgot that they laughed. After I spilled the chocolate.” As soon as he says it, he wishes he hadn’t. Robin’s eyes sparkle with mischievous (read: malicious) interest.

“Did they laugh?”

“Smiled, actually, but- You’re adding another tally aren’t you?” Steve whips around and Robin yelps, attempting to hide her board, which is difficult to do because of her position, half-hanging out of the window.

“No! I am not-” The argument devolves into a wrestling match over the board. Robin is surprisingly quick but Steve is stronger. Later, he insists that the only reason that she got it back from him was that Mike Wheeler decided that right then was the perfect time to start relentlessly dinging the bell on the counter for service. He’d actually let go of the board on purpose but Robin didn’t need to know any of that.

Mike stands at the counter, lips pursed and fingers drumming impatiently. Lucas, Will, and Max accompany him, which tells Steve that not only do they want a favor, they want it immediately. As he opens up his mouth to speak, Mike cuts him off.

“What happened to your shirt?”

Robin pokes her head back out of the employee window, feeling confident enough after her retreat to go back to making fun of him.

“We had a cute customer. Stevie here got distracted,” she crows excitedly. There is no need to fill in any of the gaps even though it’s not an entirely accurate recounting of the story. The boys giggle amongst themselves.

“Got distracted? What are you, five?” Lucas teases, only to immediately wilt under Max’s disapproving stare. “I mean, nothing.”

“You know,” Steve says, studying his fingernails as though the children are boring him, “I don’t have to let you guys into whatever movie it is this time.”

“Rambo Two,” says Max, easily the most excited by the prospect of an R-rated movie. She shoots stern looks at her companions, silently warning them that if they lose their privileges with Steve, they’ll be in for it with her, a far more serious consequence than Steve being pissy for about thirty minutes before he forgives them. “They’re sorry, aren’t you guys?”

Their mumbled agreement, one apologetic, the other disingenuous, is good enough. Steve guides them through the Employees Only door with an eye roll. As he holds it open and the group file in, ready for their espionage mission, Max stops.

“I happen to think it’s romantic to get distracted, just by the way,” she says and then scurries off to catch up with the others, who have already started loudly complaining about her lagging behind in the space of two and a half seconds. She’s a good kid, Steve thinks. She’s his favorite, though he’d never tell Dustin that.

“Yeah. You’re a regular Don Juan.” Robin’s sudden voice in his ear makes him nearly jump out of his skin. He brushes her off and whips around to finish out the shift so he can sit in his car in silence and wait for the kids to leave the movie so he can drive them home. There’s no way he’d ever let them walk home by themselves in the dark.

When he’s finally home hours later, he strips his sweaty uniform off, cringing as the damp fabric sticks to his back, and walks down to the laundry room in the basement in his briefs and socks. His parents aren’t home, it’s not like anyone will see him. Steve spends a few minutes scrubbing at the chocolate stains before giving up and just tossing it into the washing machine. You probably won’t come around again, he thinks to console himself. He’s never seen you before today, so hopefully, it’s a one-off because, God, as cute as you are, you are difficult to flirt with.

For the next few days, he’s right. You don’t come by, you don’t sit on the planter, and he doesn’t spill chocolate again. Until his Saturday morning, when you come in again, this time without headphones on. He notices that your gait is a little clumsy and awkward and you hold your hands curled in like a Tyrannosaurus Rex. Okay, so, you are here, to stay, by the look of it. Maybe you won’t remember him.

“Oh, hi! You got the chocolate off your shirt.” Fuck.

#steve harrington x reader fluff #steve 😎#steve harrington x reader #steve harringon x asd!reader #asd!reader

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octocrime · 2 years

Text

alright. (humanized) Octonauts headcanons for day 2. My hands hurt :(

TW: MENTIONS OF INJURY, MEDICAL, MENTAL ILLNESS AND TRAUMA, EMETOPHOBIA, AND EATING DISORDERS⚠️‼️‼️

Captain Barnacles 🐻‍❄️ -

- I actually don't have many for him, but he goes by he/him

- him and tweak are very good friends but tweak scares him sometimes and he wont even lie to you about that

- MLM

-he's autistic and very routine oriented, he's the autistic people go "but you aren't autistic" about unless you yourself are autistic

-he has all his badges displayed in his room and it's one of his comfort items

Tweak 🐰 -

- I will not get over the fact that she's Floridian, transgender she/her

- lesbian, her and dashi talk about girls

- actually on barnacles age level, she has crows feet by her eyes and grey in the sides of her hair

- did y'all know she glows in the dark it's the funniest thing to me???? like why??? why does she glow in the dark???? this is book canon this isn't even a headcanon.

- is certified in welding and has a degree in engineering. She found the classes easier than most should

- Ranger Marsh knows she's lesbian and will often attempt to relate by just,, "hey that girls pretty, you could date that one" which almost always turns into tweak going into a laughing fit

- she still has very keen hearing from her searching for animals with dad days

Peso 🐧 -

- he/they, prefers they most days

- they read manga and NO I won't elaborate, its nestled right in on his book shelf besides they're lengthy medical books.

-medical bag comfort item, often plays with the latches

- flappy hands stim, saying this solely because the flappity flippers exclamation and I'm right

- the noises they make when they bandage are neccesary for focus, no one knows why, it's like a stim for them

- hangs out with kwazii a lot and enjoys his stories, actually very convienent considering they're almost always around when kwazii is injured, which happens frequently

- medical special interest, will go into gross details if you don't stop him

- surprisingly unaffected by gore! It will make him shiver a bit if it's really bad but due to being a medic he can remain pretty unaffected by it

- asian-hispanic, which sounds like a generational trauma nightmare but they're actually doing quite well

- horrible anxiety but actually pretty okay with social anxiety, mostly afraid of getting hurt not talking to people, can actually be very social in the right groups

-pansexual

Dashi 🐶 -

- she/they, bisexual, has a horrible problem with anorexia

- has a bunch of mystery books in a box under her bed that branch out from a bunch from one author to a bunch of random ones

- keeps one of those diaries with a lock on it and is the only person on planet earth who can keep track of the keys for it

- a bit of a clean freak around her bedroom, sprays surfaces every few days and cleans up often

- Tweak has experience with EDs and will often help her through rough spots

- They dress pretty femine but will sometimes wear sweatpants and a T-shirt with no makeup instead

- pretty close friends with shellington, has listened to so many of his marine biology infodumps that they might as well have a marine biology degree.

Kwazii 🐱-

- transgender he/him, MLM

- has horrendous ADHD and can still drive a gup better than shellington

- pirate special interest, he has been a pirate but it's also his interest

- spyglass comfort item, won't leave his room without it on him but still insists it's not a comfort item

- takes the Gup B on rides every few days if it hasn't been used, he doesn't want it to get rusty supposedly

- a menace to tweaks work schedule along with shellington

- plays with yarn, he's like half cat what did you expect

- has a bunch of kids pirate storybooks hidden in his treasure chest

- I don't know if everyone has this, but his treasure chest doubles as a "hope" chest, it's mementos and old memorable things to keep you going, had it since he was a kid and hid a broken glass in it once to not get in trouble, regretted it as an adult.

- said he was tough enough for testosterone shots but had to switch to gel after a month

-tail is permanently bent at the end due to how much it gets messed with

Inkling 🦑 -

- uses a wheelchair while on land or inside but not in the water

- he/him and MLM

- has many degrees, was a professor at a school for awhile

- also has a marine biology special interest but masks it a lot more than shellington

- collected most the books in the library himself, even wrote a few, has some of shellingtons old journals stored in there

- spends most his days living his life as a peaceful old man but will beat the crap out of anyone on sight

- had a chaos streak in high school

- knits and crochets VERY efficiently, made matching sweaters for the vegimals and shellington. Shellington cried.

- basically the vegimals grandpa figure, he reads them stories when shellingtons out

Shellington 🦦 -

- I love him, uses all pronouns besides she but I'll be referring to him as he for convienence

- MLM but uses the achillean flag specifically

- can't drive because he's gay /hj

- has crashed the Gups so often that they have a "days since shellington has crashed a gup" board, his record is 32

- very heavy marine biology special interest, he doesn't masks it and everyone on the octopod listens to him as intently as they can

- infodumps so fast he runs out of breath and foams at the mouth a bit, (I also do this, the spit is not nice)

- will hurt you if you touch the vegimals in a negative way

- vegimals pretty much consider him their birth father! first person they saw out of the egg, quite literally consider him their dad

- he's very good at gardening due to being said father, I mean seriously he can make a mean garden

- has a bunch of science equipment, does leave it laying around the octopod sometimes

- just,, weird tastes, hot sauce on kelp cakes, he has also got fed caramel covered broccoli as a joke and liked it.

- doesn't actually hate touch that much but instinctively flinches away from you when you reach out for him

- likes to test and push his own limits, he has purposely kept himself awake for two weeks for an experiment, he's, a bit odd

- has a diary hidden away in his journal stash

- has a lot of journals! they document a Lot of things

- has a journal on the behavior of people on the gup, he has never shown anyone, he thinks it would be creepy if people knew he watched anyone that close

- great gift giver as a result though

alright that's it! octonauts week day 2, I am so tired, send help or give me the good old old yelled treatment

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kits-ships · 8 months

Note

🙊 🎲 🦮 🔦 for any s/i of your choice!!

IM A FEW MONTH LATE TO RESPONDING TO THIS BUT SHHH (doing it for soleil which means this is her first ask game!!)

🙊 - what is something that never fails to make them laugh? do they have things they say often? what are some things your s/i has said that they regret?

1.) soleil loves funny animal videos; especially ones with parrots saying silly stuff!

2.) i imagine she makes the same "ay bepepepepepep!" noise that julian would do in jenna marbles' videos (echolalia win)

3.) i cant think of anything that she regrets saying, but i do know that sol feels awful that she didnt get to tell peter about his identity being compromised sooner!! her special interest revolves around heroes/vigilantes/villians so she has tons of notebooks with information she's discovered about EVERYONE!! and, if she finds out that someone's real identity can be easily compromised, she'll hunt them down and tell them. autistic queen

🎲 - name a weird skill your s/i has that you don’t.

well, she can shoot webs from her wrists for one thing. i unfortunately cannot do the same (shes also a contortionist!)

🦮 - does your s/i have accessibility needs? does your s/i take care of anyone? what accommodations in their life have they made for other’s?

sol has a psychiatric service dog named ranger! he does dpt, will assess a room to assure her that her hallucination(s) arent real, and he's very good at grounding her as well! ranger can also retrieve items like meds, water, etc.

as for someone else, soleil has probably read every book her local library has regarding did + osdd. she originally read a few to understand whoever 'moon knight' was, but she read the rest when she met marc and steven (and jake!) she also goes through reddit and tumblr posts to understand their experiences better

she makes sure to help them set up strict boundaries so she doesnt accidentally trigger them, gets to know each alter to the best of her ability, and often gets on her knees to bEG THEM TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES. BABY GIRL.. PLEASE GO TO BED. DO A FACE MASK OR SOMETHING JUST BE NICE TO URSELVES!!

🔦 - how curious is your s/i ? have they ever gone exploring where they shouldn’t? are they the type to hold steady or cling to someone’s side?

soleil is extremely curious and extremely stubborn. she's the type of person to end up eating pizza in a money laundering front just because she wants to sit there and listen to people talk. as for going places shes not meant to be, that's a good chunk of her job as a spider-person! she doesn't tell anyone whats she's doing, either; partly because she doesnt think its a big deal and partly because she doesnt want others to worry. :3c

#kit's questions!#m; moonlight to show the way we can follow #soleil; lovely in the moonlight

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stevi0e · 1 year

Text

I posted 2,233 times in 2022

That's 2,233 more posts than 2021!

68 posts created (3%)

2,165 posts reblogged (97%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@autismdino

@incorrecteverafterhigh

@boss

@multifandomsoup

@thedialup

I tagged 100 of my posts in 2022

#reblog - 21 posts

#the owl house - 13 posts

#toh - 13 posts

#live laugh lame - 6 posts

#i’m gonna lose my shit - 6 posts

#luz noceda - 5 posts

#bernard the elf - 5 posts

#the santa clause - 4 posts

#dana terrace - 4 posts

#artists on tumblr - 4 posts

Longest Tag: 131 characters

#it sits somewhere nice in the middle but i also love the song the moss by cosmo sheldrake which i think is a good middle ground for

My Top Posts in 2022:

I JUST THOUGHT OF SOMETHING HOLY SHIT

okok so after he died, there was a portrait put up of Newt Scamander in one of the hallways, yeah? And then after the war and all that and all the new first years come in, one girl finds his portrait at the end of a dusty corridor and starts talking to him. She tells him that she’s autistic, and gets teased for it a lot in class, etc, due to her not being like her classmates. And at first Newt is sceptical cause he’s like ‘a person, oh no’ but slowly he starts to warm up to this little girl who gets bullied and teased for being different, even if it’s light hearted, and in her he sees himself as a child. He watches that little girl grow up and make better friends, and gives her advice for the bad ones because he never wants anyone to go through what he did. And the girl tells him of her home life, and how her parents try their best to be supportive and help her but they just don’t understand and Newt GETS that, and all of a sudden he realised that he, too, probably has autism, or something of the like. So they start to bond over shared experiences despite them being decades apart. When the day the girl graduates comes, she visits his portrait one last time, and promises to visit, and thanks him. And he thanks her in turn, for letting him know he was never alone

14 notes - Posted October 9, 2022

i am fucking DISTRAUGHT

how DARE dana terrace make me SOB with such VIGOUR over a CARTOON for the THIRD TIME

17 notes - Posted October 7, 2022

no bc i need someone to make a newt scamander x reader one shot where the reader is like a rock guitarist idec if that’s not historically correct or wtv i just think the idea of the reader going absolute crazy on the guitar and newt watching like ‘owo pretty’ that’s fucking adorable

i am

mentally ill

edit: the song would be When The Sun Goes Down by Arctic Monkeys bc the guitar in that is just 🥰🥰🥰✨🥰✨✨✨✨

20 notes - Posted August 13, 2022

Headcannon that one time Luz accidentally called Camila ‘Eda’ while talking about an adventure she had and immediately breaks down in tears apologising saying how she’s just so stressed and worried about Eda which turn into Camila also crying bc she’s so happy that Luz has found another adult she feels she can trust and they just sit

31 notes - Posted November 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

what do i have to do, what do i have to like to get my entire dashboard to be full of bernard the elf content.

who do i need to talk to to make that happen.

60 notes - Posted November 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#tumblr2022 #year in review #my 2022 tumblr year in review #your tumblr year in review

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sapphosvioletts · 3 years

Text

Love You More

Natasha Romanoff x Autistic Daughter

Summary:

Just a little moment of Natasha and taking care of her daughter and letting her stim with her hair <3

Word count: 983

Note: Not every autistic person experiences autism the same. I'm autistic and I am writing from my perspective of how I personally experience autism, but not everyone feels the same as me or has the same perspective as I do.

- the reader is adopted, they are not biologically related. I want my writing to be inclusive to everyone, which is why i am specifying this incase it isn't directly said in the fic

.oOo

I wake up to the sound of Natasha's laugh coming from the living room. I groan and pull the covers over my head as my eyes open to the bright morning sun. After letting my eyes adjust I finally sit up, rubbing my eyes tiredly.

I don't mind being woken up this morning, Natasha's laugh is always something I'll cherish, and it is a warm way to wake up. Her voice is soothing and velvety, and her laugh is one that never fails to make others smile. That laugh is reserved for very few people and I'll forever be thankful I'm lucky enough to be one of the few.

I get up and pad down the hallway, my sleep shirt, which is actually Natasha's, falls down past my shorts and almost engulfs me. I peek my head into the living room and find Steve sitting on the couches.

I furrow my eyebrows and come all the way out into the living room, looking for my mom. Steve smiles when he sees me, "Good morning!" He says happily. I give him a smile in return, appreciating his enthusiasm that he always somehow seems to have in the mornings.

I then see red hair pop up into my eyesight, swishing around until the familiar face is visible. Natasha smiles at me and invites me over. Although I'm relieved that I found her, I'm still slightly confused.

She's sitting on the floor, her back to the couch. She has her work spread out on the coffee table with a mug of coffee. I sit on the couch behind her, causing her to lean back into the couch, tilting her head back as well. She smiles up at me as I laugh from the weird angle of her head looking back, bursting into laughter herself.

She straightens back up and goes back to her work. I lay down on the couch on my back, my hands tapping my stomach and my heels kicking the couch. I hear the tv being turned on and I see Steve flicking through the channels.

While I'm staring up at the ceiling, waiting for Steve to find something to watch, I feel something placed on my stomach. I look down and find one of my fidget toys. I smile at Natasha, who is already consumed by her work again and not paying attention, but I know it was her. I fidget with the toy for a while, watching whatever show Steve turned on and listening to the keys clicking from Nat's laptop.

A little while later, there is a very, very loud knocking sound. I jump and my hands come up to cover my ears instinctively. I feel my heart race in my chest and my body shakes. Natasha, having felt me jump, immediately turns around and gives her full attention to me.

"Hey, it was just from the the tv honey" she tells me, knowing I was confused where the noise came from. All I can do is nod and my hands slowly come down from my ears as I take deep breaths.

Natasha rubs my back and patiently waits for me, wanting to make sure I'm okay. She understands with my sensory issues how much noises, especially sudden noises can effect me. She never rushes me to calm down or gets annoyed, she is always patient.

"Are you okay? Do you need something?" She asks softly. I think for a moment about speaking, but I'm really not up for being verbal at the moment. I point to my ears and hope she understands, which thankfully she does. "Earbuds?" I nod and she gets up, kissing the top of my head before going to grab my earbuds.

Steve gives me a small smile, not paying too much attention to us to give me some privacy. Natasha quickly comes back and hands me my earbuds, which I quickly connect to my phone and turn on some music.

"Do you need anything else?" She kneels by the couch and rubs circles on my leg. I reach a hand up to her hair and start twirling it around my finger. She smiles and chuckles, knowing what I'm trying to ask for.

With another kiss to the top of my hair, she turns back around and sits down on the floor. I smile as she scoots further back so I can reach her, moving the coffee table closer as well. She knows me so well, which comes in very handy during times when I'm nonverbal. Instead of pushing me to talk, she gives me other ways to communicate, which usually aren't even needed given how well she knows me.

Once she's settled my hand immediately goes to her soft, silky hair. I run my fingers through it over and over, relaxing with the repetition and feeling of it. She goes back to her work while letting me stim with her hair, but a small smile traces her lips this time.

After a while of work, the hand in her hair never stopping its movements, Natasha leans back and sighs. She sees my eyes shut, my face relaxed and content. She can tell I'm not asleep by my hand in her hair, as well as my bouncing foot and tapping fingers.

She reaches back and takes hold of my other hand. My eyes open in surprise, but I quickly relax again. Natasha squeezes my hand in both of hers tightly, knowing that pressure calms me. I smile at the feeling and let my eyes fall shut again.

My fingers find her wrist and tap three times, our silent way of saying "I love you". I feel Natasha's head lean onto the couch next to me and one of her hands come up to rest on my cheek. Her thumb swipes back and forth over my smiling cheek and she mumbles an "I love you more" back.

#natasha romanoff x reader #natasha romanoff x teen!reader #autistic!reader #autistic reader #natasha romanoff x daughter!reader #natasha romanoff x daughter #avengers x reader #avengers x teen!reader #natasha romanoff x autistic!reader #natasha romanoff x autistic reader #avengers x autistic!reader #avengers x autistic reader #natasha romanoff imagine #avangers imagine #marvel imagine #teen!reader #daughter!reader #reader insert

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spencers-renaissance · 3 years

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Fic Rec Bingo!!

So instead of Fic Rec Thursday, I thought I'd do something a little different this week and recommend 25 fics based on this bingo card (although it turned into 26, oops). I kept most of these as CM because that's my blog's focus, but due to the nature of the prompts, there are 5 Marvel (Irondad) ones & 1 Sherlock towards the end!

from @lightveils on twitter, but found posted on tumblr by @cywscross <3

1. A fic with a premise that shouldn't work but does

I never would've thought I'd enjoy a fic with Spencer as a little rebellious shit because it seems so ooc, but I loved this one!

las vegas kid by trashcanbarbie - 1.9k, 1ch, Gen/Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Gambling, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Young Spencer Reid, Teenage Rebellion, Protective Aaron hotchner, Pre-Canon, Father-Son Relationship, Teenage Spencer Reid

JJ raises her eyebrows, “so, you're trying to say counting cards isn't cheating?” “No,” he grins, boyish and charming, “it is.”

2. A fic you've reread several times

Discipline Changes by fullofcrazyness - 1.2k, 1ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Hurt/Comfort, Past Child Abuse, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Comforting Hotch

Jack stopped and looked at his dad, finally seeing that his dad wasn’t actually angry. Concerned and relieved, but not angry. He was about to say something when he saw someone in the doorway, white as a sheet. “Papa?”

3. A comfort fic

i'm always tired, but never of you by @iamrenstark - 2.2k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad Derek, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Derek Morgan Needs a Hug, Men Crying, Gunshot Wounds, Blood and Injury

When Spencer figured it out, he was stepping out of the elevator on the bottom floor of Quantico, and he went to tell Derek he loved him like he did every day, but he froze up, because he was afraid he wouldn't hear it back. (Or, Spencer thinks his boyfriend is falling out of love with him.)

4. A cathartic fic

Every Little Transgression by @58thacademic - 1.6k, 1ch, Gen, Angst with a Happy Ending, Sad Spencer Reid, Protective David Ross, Protective Derek Morgan, Mentioned Suicide Attempt, Spencer's Backstory, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-Con, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug, Episode: s03e16 Elephant's Memory

Ok so. Elephants memory was really good because we got Reid backstory. But I'm still annoyed that he didn't defend himself against Hotch. So this was born.

5. A fic you'd print and put on your bookshelf

One Call Away by GhostInTheBAU - 204k, 32ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Dubious Consent, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Domestic Violence, Rape Recovery, Referenced Past Drug Use, PTSD, Hurt Spencer Reid, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Mutual Pining, Slow Burn, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff, Flashbacks, Healing, Nightmares, Suicidal Thoughts, Hurt/Comfort, Whump, Eventual Smut

When Reid's boyfriend attacks him, leaving him broken and bleeding, he calls the first person he thinks of for help. He calls the only person he really wants to see. He calls Hotch.

6. A fic you associate with a song

I associate this fic with The First Thing You See by Bruno Major. I think if you listen to the song, you'll easily see why <3

You Make Waking Up Worth It by @guccifloralsuits - 2.1k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Fluff, Minor Angst, Established Relationship, Morning Routines, Hurt/Comfort, Good Things Happen Bingo

“Morning sweetheart,” Derek says, pausing briefly to ruffle his hand gently through Spencer’s hair. The genius nuzzles into the touch but doesn’t reply. It’s too early for conversation, Morgan knows. Pretty boy may get up earlier than he does, but it takes the younger a lot longer to really wake up.

7. A fic that inspires you

This fic could have been in so many categories because I adore it, but I wouldn't have started writing Rain is a Chance to be Touched without this fic so it definitely belongs here.

Forgive Me For All I Could Not Become by @degrassi-fanatic - 105k, 20ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Canon Divergence, Getting Together, Angst, Case Fic, Confessions, Complicated Relationships, Near Death Experiences, Friends With Benefits, Smut, Miscommunication

In which Reid has always been good at hiding things. He hid his father's departure and his mother's illness from social services. He hid his addiction from his team. He hid his sexuality from the world. He hid his inappropriate feelings from his boss. That is until he's bleeding out in Hotch's arms, in an abandoned church, in Oklahoma. From there on out, Hotch and Reid learn to make a complete mess out of each other.

8. A fic that brought you on board a new ship

Even though it's unrequited, this was the first fic that really had me going !!! at Penemily <3

Another Wide-Eyed Girl by mallfacee - 2k, 1ch, Gen/Derek Morgan & Penelope Garcia, Penelope Garcia/Emily Prentiss (Unrequited), Coming Out, Internalised Homophobia, Derek Morgan is a Good Friend, Friendship, Gunshot Wounds, Episode: s03e08 Lucky

Derek Morgan is handsome and calls her “baby girl” and smiles at her like she’s the only girl in the room. Penelope Garcia knows she should be swooning and all she can think is that there must be something wrong with her not to react to a man like that giving her all this attention. Two years later she meets Emily Prentiss and understands.

9. A fic you wish could be a movie

Listen, I adore the soulmate trope, and an angsty moreid soulmate movie? Fucking sign me up right now

i need you now but i don't know you yet by @iamrenstark - 3.1k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Hurt Derek Morgan, Mutual Pining, Soulmates, Hurt/Comfort, Buford Mention, Angst with a Happy Ending, Getting Together, Season 5

It goes like this; Spencer hasn't spoken to his soulmate since he was ten, didn't know their gender or their name or a single thing about them. Spencer's soulmate doesn't want him, and that's okay.

10. A fic that led to you making friends with the author

I'm doing two because fuck you that's why

This was one of the first fics I read of Adam's and I immediately fell in love with his writing! And I'm pretty sure that we ended up becoming friends after I rec'd it!!

Plum Sauce by @goldencatchflies - 1.5k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, First Kiss, Friends to Lovers, Getting Together, Canon Divergence, Fluff, Jealousy, Platonic Morcia, Episode: s07e13 Snake Eyes

Garcia tells Spencer about what she thinks happened between her and Derek. He doesn’t seem too happy about it...

I read this from Syd and absolutely loved it, and like with Adam, we became friends from there! (I mean technically husband and wife, but, y'know. Semantics.)

You Belong With Me by @spencerspecifics - 11.4k, 1ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Song Fic, Getting Together, Angst with a Happy Ending, Pining, Fluff

A fluffy Moreid fic based on You Belong With Me by: Taylor Swift

11. A fic you associate with a place

This reminds me of a chilled Sunday afternoon on my old sofa in my living room, with the fire on in the background. I read it all in one sitting and loved every word <3

Metanoia by @makaylajadewrites - 39k, 16ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Canon Typical Violence, Implied Rape/Non-Con, Implied/Referenced Torture, Established Relationship, Near Death Experiences, Frostbite, Rape Recovery, Suicidal Thoughts, Angst, Hurt/Comfort, Autistic Spencer Reid, Drug Use, Eventual Smut, Eventual Happy Ending

Oh, Derek… He couldn’t stand the thought of him bursting in with SWAT in tow, gun at the ready, only to descend those creaky stairs and find his naked, bleeding body, vacated of life, crumbled on a red-stained mattress. The realization that he was going to die at the end of this was catching up to him, but maybe it would be better that way.

In which an unfortunate resemblance to an unsub's victims puts Reid right on his radar.

12. A fic that made you gasp out loud

Gasp out loud might be a *bit* of an overreaction, but this one took me on a rollercoaster and I loved every second of it (all of bau-gremlin's fics will do that to you tbh)

The End by @bau-gremlin - 3.1k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Graphic Violence, Stabbing, Blood and Injury, Temporary Character Death, Hurt Spencer Reid, Whump, Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Hurt Aaron Hotchner, Sleepy Cuddles, Protective Spencer Reid

The famous interview with Chester Hardwick ... except Hotch and Reid get separated and Reid is left alone with Hardwick and a prison-made shiv.

13. A fic you found at the right time

You're Going to be Okay by fullofcrazyness - 2.6k, 1ch, Gen/Aaron Hotchner & Spencer Reid, Dark, Suicidal Thoughts, Depression, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Sad Spencer Reid, Hurt Spencer Reid, Depression, Protective Aaron Hotchner, Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending

Spencer was no stranger to depression. His father leaving him, his mother’s episodes, being twelve years old in a Las Vegas high school. All of those things made him very familiar with the illness. “I… I think I need some help.”

14. A fic that you would read a fic of

Chain Reaction by EloquentDossier - 42k, 16ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Alternate Universe, Texting, Dialogue-Only, Text Fic, Self-Esteem Issues, Fluff, Angst, Implied/Referenced Past Drug Use, Canon Divergence, Pining, Oblivious Aaron Hotchner, Happy Ending

A dialogue-only AU in which Hotch texts what he thinks is Rossi's new number but is actually the slightly eccentric stranger whom Hotch knows only as "Spencer." What follows is something neither man could have ever quite expected.

15. A fic that made you laugh out loud

The Bet by @degrassi-fanatic - 1.6k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Bets & Wagers, Humour, Fluff, Canon Divergence

“Fifty bucks says Hotch writes you up and sends you to sexual harassment sensitivity training.” she declares as she stares him down. Without looking away from her, Reid takes out his own wallet and flips it open to pull out a fifty dollar before placing it down right next to Prentiss’s own money. “Fifty bucks says Hotch will go out with me.”

16. A fic that gave you butterflies

The healing and dynamics in this one is just.... off the charts :')

Who Spencer Reid Loves by @blueberriesandbubbles - 36k, 11ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Rape/Non-Con Elements, Abusive Relationships, Domestic Violence, Abuse, Hurt Spencer Reid, Mutual Pining, Rape Recovery, Healing, Fluff

Derek Morgan has been in love with the resident genius as long as he's known him. When Spencer enters a relationship with a mystery man, Derek is unhappy. He is even more unhappy when he meets this man. Spencer starts acting different and Derek knows something is wrong and he has a feeling its connected to the man Reid is dating.

17. A fic that embodies something you value in life

The utter and total love and devotion in this fic just punches me right in the gut every time I reread it

A Little Fall of Rain by jack_hunter - 4.3k, 2ch, Aaron Hotchner/Spencer Reid, Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Angst, Spencer Reid Whump, Autistic Spencer Reid, Major Character Injury, Secret Relationship, Team as Family, Dad Rossi

Morgan crept up behind the doctor and snatched the headphones off of his head, earning a yelp of a protest as he slipped them over his own ears. “Les Mis?” Morgan asked with a quizzical look, “didn’t peg you as the musical type, Pretty Boy.” Spencer snatched the headphones back. “I’ve always loved the theatre and I went to see Les Misérables with-... a friend last Friday.”

18. A favourite AU

The Curious Case of Dr. Reid by severaance - 37k, 10ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Transgender Character, Fluff, Trans Spencer Reid, Light Angst, Getting Together, Developing Relationship, Smut, Insecurity, Happy Ending (Warning for Homophobic & Transphobic Slurs)

"And your names for the order, please?" The barista asked, eyes flickering expectantly between the two before her. "Spencer," she answered, although she was not talking to the barista. "I'm Spencer." The man before her had the same idea. "Derek."

19. A fic you stayed up too late to finish reading

I stayed up one night and read pretty much all the marvel fics this author has written, but this was the last one that I simply could not resist. The next day wasn't pretty :/

The more you say, the less I know by forthenightisdarkandfullofterror - 13.9k, 3ch, Gen/Irondad, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Temporary Amnesia, Protective Pepper Potts, Not Endgame Compliant, Tony Stark Acting as Peter Parker's Parental Figure, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Blood and Violence, Hurt Peter Parker, Whump

Tony wakes up from snapping with amnesia and for the life of him can't remember the kid hanging around, claiming to be 'just an intern'. Feelings get hurt.

20. A fic that made you feel seen

heavy in my bones by hopeless_hope - 4.4k, 1ch, Gen/Irondad, Chronic Pain, Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Peter Parker, Whump, Father-Son Relationship, Dad Tony, Worried Tony Stark, Angst, Chronic Illness, 5+1 Things

Five times Peter lied to someone about his chronic pain, and one time he told the truth and got the help he needed.

21. A fic you love without knowing the source material

(I mean this is literally all marvel fics but I'll rec this one because I loved it so much)

the locker room by searchingforstars - 15.5k, 3ch, Gen/Irondad, Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Hurt Peter Parker, Peter Parker Needs a Hug, Mental Health Issues, Misunderstandings, Arguing, Miscommunication, Crying, Whump, Angst with a Happy Ending, Rape Recovery

Peter's falling apart and he doesn't know how things will ever go back to normal again after Ryder.

22. A fic you've gushed about IRL

Genuinely, this fic is better than most published fiction I've read...

The Third Option by Uncertainty_Principle - 220k, 37ch, Gen/Irondad, Hurt/Comfort, Sexual Abuse, Emotional Abuse, Physical Abuse, Alternate Universe, Hurt Peter Parker, Foster Care, Identity Reveal, Slow Build, Disordered Eating, Homelessness

Ben and May divorced before Peter’s parents died, so when Ben is murdered Peter goes into foster care. It takes just a tiny taste of superpowers for Peter to decide he doesn’t want to put up with his horrible foster father anymore—the streets are infinitely more appealing. All he wants is to be Spider-Man anyway.

So he leaves. Simple.

Simple, that is, until Iron Man needs Spider-Man’s help. Peter isn’t about to turn down an opportunity to fight alongside Tony Freaking Stark, but he also isn’t going to let his hero know that his recruit is a fifteen-year-old homeless dropout. So they strike a deal. Peter will help Tony. In return, the mask stays on. And that’s when things get complicated.

23. A fic you still remember many years later

The Transport Series by ancientreader - 135k, 2 works, Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Backstory, Canon Drug Use, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Physical Disability, AU, Important Character Death, First Time, Developing Relationship, Angst with a Happy Ending, BDSM, Humour, Fluff

How to become a consulting detective. // Jim's lessons are hard to unlearn.

24. A fic with a line or two that you've memorised by heart

"He has held up buildings and nuclear bombs and whole entire countries on his back. Peter’s body is the heaviest thing he’s ever held."

when my body won't hold me anymore (where will I go) by @madasthesea - 4.4k, 2ch, Gen/Irondad, Temporary Character Death, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Father-Son Relationship, Hurt Peter Parker, Crying, Forehead Kisses, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Medical Inaccuracies, Hugs, Platonic Cuddling

But he knows. He knows. He can feel it. Peter’s dead. Peter Parker watches as Tony carefully arranges his limbs on a cot. “Mr. Stark,” he tries for the dozenth time. No one hears him.

25. Free Space

And to round it off, we have to celebrate the fic that really and truly welcomed me into the CM fanfic world...

Chanel by @4x24 - 24k, 7ch, Derek Morgan/Spencer Reid, Getting Together, Spencer Wears Makeup, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, Canon Compliant, Canon Typical VIolence, Humour, Fluffy Ending, Pining, Smut Heavy

Penelope mentions offhandedly one night that she thinks Spencer might look good in makeup. Spencer takes the suggestion to heart. Derek likes the new look - and Spencer - more than he probably should. (Season 4)

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arrow-guy · 4 years

Text

Talk to Me

Original request from @scrawlingwithstyle: Here's a request I've been sitting on for a bit. ClintxReader; Clint is deaf and most people rely on his lipreading skills, but Reader knows some ASL from when her family thought her autistic younger sibling would never speak (they became vocal close to seven years old). They have secret conversations across the room, thinking no one else on the team understands. . . . They're wrong. Adjust however you like!

A/N: Okay, it’s taken probably close to a year to actually get around to this, but i kind of breezed through writing it? And it was a whole bunch of fun to finally put down in a document. I didn’t change much about your request, but I definitely added to it, and made it a little romantic? Idk if it’ll come off as romance, it’s kind of goofy (it’s Clint, there needs to be a goof somewhere.) I really hope you like it, though!!

Page dividers by @carryonmyswansong

Pairing: ClintxReader

Word Count: 5.5k

Warnings: None

“Are you sure about this, Bruce?” I ask. “Ross let me go as soon as you went AWOL. I haven’t worked with people like this in years.”

“Of course I’m sure! You were the best back in the day.”

“Back in the day,” I laugh. “You make it sound like we’re ancient.”

“We’re not as young as we used to be,” he says. “But that’s the point. You’ll bring some much needed experience to the table.”

“But I’m not a spy and I definitely don’t have any powers.”

“Trust me, (Y/N), superpowers are not all they’re cracked up to be, and both spies have long since ceased their spying activities.” I cock one eyebrow and he laughs. “For the most part.”

“Saying a spy stopped being a spy is like saying you misplaced the hulk.”

“Ah, very true.”

“I’ll do it, though.”

“You will?”

“Well I can’t very well leave you to fend for yourself, now can I? As it stands, I’m already a shitty friend, working together can’t hurt things.”

Bruce grins and grips my shoulder. “I’ll see you Monday, then.”

I roll my eyes, but can’t fight back my smile. “Do I need to pack a bag, or will I be allowed to go home at the end of the day?”

“Not sure yet. Might as well bring a change of clothes and a toothbrush just in case.”

“Alright, then. I’ll see you Monday.”

“I can’t believe you actually pulled it off, Banner,” Stark says. “You wrangled a counselor for the team?”

“What,” I say. “Like it was supposed to be hard?”

Bruce laughs and reaches out to place his hand on my shoulder. “I’ve known (Y/N) for just about as long as I can remember. I’m sure she’ll be a good fit.”

“As long as you can remember, huh?” I look past Captain Rogers and find a sandy haired man. He grins when I meet his eyes. “Just how long?”

I bob my head from side to side. “Somewhere between twenty years and most of our lives.”

He whistles. “Pretty long time, then.”

“Mhm.”

Bruce clears his throat. “I’m sure (Y/N) wants to see where she’ll be working, so I’ll just show her to her office.”

Everyone in the boardroom waves and Bruce leads me out of the room. As soon as we’re out in the hall I sigh and bow my head, finally able to let my shoulders relax.

“That was a lot.”

Bruce chuckles. “Trust me, it’ll either get worse or stay exactly the same as time goes on, depending on who you’re talking to.”

“The blond guy who spoke up, that’s Hawkeye, right?”

“Clint Barton, yeah.”

“Will I be seeing much of him?”

“I’m not sure. I don’t really know much about the guy. He seems pretty happy-go-lucky and stable most of the time, though.”

“Huh.” I shrug and hitch my bag a little higher on my shoulder. “You never know with some people.”

“True. I’m sure you’ll deal with him at least once more after this. He’s the curious type.”

“I guess I’ll have to look forward to that, then.”

Bruce hummed in agreement and leads me to the elevator bank and takes me down to what will eventually be my office. He gives me a basic rundown of the facilities and shows me which restroom is closest to my office. I ask for a baseline reading on everyone on the team and Bruce rattles off what he’s noticed about the main five.

“Steve will most likely drop by to make small talk, but it may take some time for him to open up in any way that counts. Tony will joke about therapy, but once he warms up to you it’ll be impossible to get him to leave.”

“Oof, that bad?”

“He’s long-winded.”

“Then I guess I’ll have to enforce appointments with him when he starts to take interest.”

“Probably wise.”

“And Natasha?”

“I doubt you’ll see much of her. She has her ways of working through her issues on her own.”

“Do they involve murder?”

“Don’t know, and I don’t care to.”

“Got it. None of our business. I’ll let her come to me if she needs anything.” I plop down behind my new desk. “What about Thor?”

“Who knows. He shows up when he wants and tends to be a pretty jovial guy.”

“Ah. Is there anyone else outside of the tower I can expect?”

“Wanda, Sam, and Rhodey will be around from time to time. If Steve has his way, Bucky will move in at some point, and Wanda is currently in the process of moving into the tower, so you may see her more after that. I’m not sure how often she’ll drop by. She’s fairly private due to her powers.”

“Energy manipulation, right?”

He nods. “That, and other mind tricks.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

“But that just leaves Clint, and we’ve already gone over what you can expect from him.”

“It doesn’t just leave Clint, Bruce.” I fold my hands on the desktop. “I expect to see you in here at least once a week. Ideally twice.”

Bruce scowls. “(Y/N), you know how I feel about that.”

“Yeah, well, I listen to your opinions on that stuff when I’m just your friend. Now I’m your therapist, and you’re going to listen to me because I know what works for you. So I expect you to get your pasty ass in here when you’re scheduled.”

“You’re making appointments for me now?”

“Until I’m sure you’ll come to me on your own, yes.”

He rolls his eyes. “Fine. Send me the schedule. I’ll see you at my appointed time.”

“Wonderful.” I relax my shoulders, letting my professional mask slip. “Thanks for this, Bruce. I mean it.”

“I know you do.” He cracks a smile. “You’re the only person I trust to get to the root of our issues.”

“I appreciate that. I’ll try not to let you down.”

“Believe me, (Y/N), if anyone’s gonna let me down, it’ll be the team.” I laugh and he heads for the door. “I’ll see you later. Good luck with your first day.”

“Thanks, Bruce. I’ll see you later!”

“So, (Y/N),” Tony says, spreading out on the couch across from my chair. “What’s your deal?”

“My deal?”

“Yeah, what makes you tick? What motivates you to try and heal the fragile minds of the Avengers?”

“I’d say a decent paycheck is a pretty good motivator, Mr. Stark.”

He seems disappointed with my answer. “Is that it?”

“Well, that, and I want to make sure Bruce is doing alright. He’s struggled with therapy in the past, and I want to make sure he’s getting the kind of help that he needs.”

“I see.” He presses his lips together and folds his arms. “You’re not even curious about the rest of the team?”

“Of course I’m curious, but nothing discussed in this tower will be shared with anyone outside. I take my patients privacy very seriously.”

“You sure you don’t just fear for your life?”

“Living in New York, I fear for my life constantly. That doesn’t mean that I’m worried about getting merced if I get a little loose lipped outside of work.” I sigh and lean back in my chair. “That being said, I won’t be sharing your confidential information with anyone you haven’t specifically given authorized access to your records.”

“Huh.”

“Yeah. It’s almost like I’m a professional, right?”

He smiles. “I’m really starting to like you, (Y/N).”

“Then I guess I have a lot more of this to look forward to, then, don’t I?”

I laughs and hauls himself up from the couch. “We’ll see.”

I make a note of his response in my open document. “Sounds like a tentative yes to me, Mr. Stark, and I’ll be here so long as you deem my services necessary.”

He nods and exits my office. He leaves the door open.

“How are you liking it here so far, (Y/N)?”

“It’s been quiet, Captain Rogers. It’s a bit like pulling teeth trying to get anyone to make use of their resources.”

“I guess it would be. We’re a relatively private bunch.” He pauses a moment. “And, please, call me Steve.”

“Right, Steve. Is there anything that I can do for you today?” I ask. “It’s entirely alright if you just want to make small talk.”

“Oh, well, uh…” He awkwardly clears his throat and shifts uncomfortably on the couch. “I guess I just wanted to get a lay of the land.”

“I understand.” I glance around my office. “I should probably bring in some art and plants. Make it a little less sterile in here.”

Steve laughs. “That might help.”

I smile. “Maybe an area rug?”

He shrugs. “Whatever you think would be best.”

“I appreciate the creative freedom.” I close my laptop, set it to the side, and settle back in my chair. “Is there something on your mind, Steve?”

“No,” he says quickly. He immediately looks conflicted. “I… well, kind of.”

“Feel free to speak. Nothing you say will leave this office.”

“You hardly know me.”

I shrug. “I know how stressful this environment can be. And, while your team is very good at what they do, they’re also the ones who are causing your stress.”

“I don’t know if I’d say that.” I watch him chew the inside of his cheek. “I guess I’m just concerned that things might not get better, even when Bucky’s moved in.”

“Why’s that?”

“I don’t know. I’m worried that it might not be a good fit for him, or that the team won’t accept him, or that he might not even want to be around me.”

“Those are all valid concerns. Have you mentioned any of this to him?”

“God no. I don’t want to stress him out more than I already have with all of this moving business.”

“I might suggest bringing it up. He might be having similar worries himself, and, as helpful as it is to work towards what’s troubling you with me, I won’t be able to settle your nerves.”

“Maybe you’re right…”

“If nothing else, it might open up a new line of communication between the two of you, which couldn’t hurt.”

Steve stays for another hour, just talking. When he leaves, he asks if I want the door open or closed. I don’t give him a definite answer and he leaves it open, just a crack. I laugh and start on his profile.

Someone knocks on my door and I glance up from my paperwork to see Clint standing in the doorway.

“Mr. Barton,” I say. “I was wondering when I might see you.”

He shrugs. “Here I am.”

“After two weeks, I was starting to think you were avoiding me.”

“If I was?”

“Then it’s none of my business.”

The corner of his mouth lifts in a smile. “I like that answer.”

I rise from my desk and gesture to the couch. He raises his eyebrows, but takes a seat anyway. I sit across from him and watch as he tries to decide just how he should sit. In the end, he leans heavily on his knees. Nothing about him is relaxed.

“I’m starting to think Bruce was wrong about you.”

“What’d the green bean tell you about me?”

“Nothing concrete,” I answer. “He just mentioned that you seem to have a positive outlook on things most of the time.”

He snorts. “Great.”

“Mmm, I see. It’s a facade, then?”

He frowns and presses a finger to his right ear. “Could you say that again?”

“I said, it’s a facade, then?”

“Sometimes.”

I nod. “Interesting.”

He barks out a laugh. “Yeah, interesting.”

I watch him look around the room, examining the art on the walls and the stacks of paper on my desk. When he turns his head to the left, I notice his purple earpiece and something suddenly clicks. He tilts his head to the side when he sees me staring.

“What?”

“Would it be easier if we signed?” I ask, signing along as I speak.

He looks surprised. “You sign?”

I laugh. “Yes. My little brother is on the Autism spectrum. When he was a kid, he was almost entirely nonverbal. Mom taught him sign, and the rest of the family learned along with him.”

“That must’ve been really nice for him.”

“It was nice to be able to communicate with him when he couldn’t vocalize what he wanted to say. He eventually started speaking when he was about seven, though.”

“And you still held onto the signing skills?”

“Of course! It’s not like he just, bam, started talking. It was a long process, and he still has nonverbal days sometimes.” Clint starts to actually smile and it warms my heart. “It’s come in handy in my particular line of work too. Deaf and hard of hearing folks need counsellors and therapists too.”

“Which brings the topic of conversation back to me.” He shakes his head and leans back against the couch and signs, “You’re a tricky one, (Y/N).”

“I’m not tricky!”

“Then what?”

“I’m accommodating.” I speak again, but continue to sign along. “You don’t have to tell me everything, or anything, really. But I’m here to help, if you need me.”

“Thank you.”

“Of course, Clint. Any time.”

“Seems like you and Clint are getting close,” Bruce says.

“I don’t know what you mean, man.”

“He’s in here all the time, (Y/N). There’s no way Barton needs therapy five times a week.”

“It’s not always about therapy, Bruce. I strive to make my office a safe space where everyone knows that they can speak freely. He knows that he can come here and chill out without worrying about the rest of the team.”

“Barton doesn’t really worry about anything, though.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure of that.”

Bruce stares at me, eyes narrowed, and snaps his fingers. "You like him."

I roll my eyes. "I do not like him, Bruce. And you're not even here to talk about Clint, you're here to work on yourself and managing your stress levels."

He rolls his eyes. "I'm sure there's something we could talk about aside from me."

I sigh and hold my head in my hands. "I've been here for two months. I haven't been around long enough to form anything more than tentative relationships with the rest of the team. I'm more concerned about whether or not they can open up to me than I am with my love life."

“Right,” Bruce clears his throat.

“Thank you.” He looks thoroughly ashamed and I have to laugh. “I appreciate the interest, but it’s just not something that you need to worry about.”

“No, I understand.” He smiles and shrugs. “I guess I just miss having that easy rapport with you.”

“I mean, we still have that, Bruce. It’s just not something that I want to talk about in the workplace. It’s one thing to shoot the shit over lunch on a Saturday, it’s another to discuss my patients with another patient, all of whom are my coworkers.”

“I didn’t think about it like that.”

I smile. “It’s fine. Did you want to pick up where we left off on Tuesday?”

“Yeah, sounds good.”

“(Y/N)?”

I’m startled by the woman in the doorway. “Ms. Romanoff?”

She shakes her head and steps into my office. “As long as you’re not a government official, it’s just Natasha.”

“Ah, right.” I sit a little straighter in my chair. “What can I do for you, Natasha?”

“Clint’s said you’ve helped him a lot.”

“I don’t know about that. We just talk. He does all the helping.”

“I figured you’d say that.” She moves quickly across the room and takes a seat on the couch. “I’d like to talk to you, if you have the time.”

“Oh.” I scramble up from my desk to sit across from her. “What about?”

“I need help working through a recent case.”

“Are you sure I’m qualified for that?”

“Well, you said Clint does all the helping. Maybe what I need is a sounding board.”

“Fair enough. Where are you caught up?”

Natasha rattles off the details of a recent mission. I do my best to follow her, but she loses me when she starts explaining the intricacies of a piece of Hydra technology they discovered. Eventually, she perks up, almost looking like she wants to jump up from her seat and run from the room.

“I think I’ve got it.”

“That’s great!”

She calmly gets to her feet and walks to the door. “Thank you, (Y/N).”

I shake my head. “It was my pleasure.”

“Even so, you helped me.” She flashes me an unexpected smile. “I appreciate that.”

“It’s not a problem, Natasha. I hope that we can speak again at some point.”

She nods and heads for the door. “I’ll see you around.”

In the hall I hear, “Oh, hey, Nat.” and Clint pokes his head in soon after.

I smile. “Hey.”

“Hey.” He leans in the doorway and folds his arms. “What’d Nat dump on you?”

“Doctor patient confidentiality, Barton,” I say. “I can’t tell you.”

His arms fall to his side and he dramatically slumps into the room. “I thought you trusted me!”

I laugh. “I do trust you, Clint. But it’s not my information to give.” He drapes himself across the couch and grins at the sight of me fighting back my smile. “If it were, Bruce would have full access to what we talk about in our sessions.”

“That’s private information, (Y/N)!” He laughs. “I see your point.”

“Good.”

“Did you want to grab lunch later? That weird little cafe down the street started serving some kind of coffee burger.”

“Ugh, and you want to eat that?”

“(Y/N), it’s a coffee burger.”

“With all the heinous shit you put in your body, it’s a wonder you’re still alive.”

“If you think I’m bad, you should meet my dog.”

“Is that an offer?”

“Maybe.” He shrugs. “Guess you’ll have to stick around long enough to find out.”

I roll my eyes. “It’s been four months, Clint. If I haven’t run for the hills yet, I’m pretty sure it’s not gonna happen for a while yet.”

Something twinkles in his eyes. “That’s good to hear. I was worried I might scare you off.”

“If anyone were to scare me off, it’d be Tony.” I shake my head. “That man is a handful.”

“What happened to patient confidentiality?”

“Since when is Tony being a handful a secret?” He laughs and I relax in my seat. “But, yeah, I’ll get lunch with you.”

“Really?”

“Someone has to make sure you don’t keel over from physically eating coffee.”

“Oh come on! It’s not like they solidified the coffee and stuck it on a bun!”

“How do you know they didn’t? Maybe they turned the coffee into jello, passed it through a meat grinder, and threw it on a griddle.”

His face scrunches up in disgust. “Ugh, that’d just be burnt coffee.”

“I’ve watched you drink an entire pot of burnt coffee.”

“Desperate times, (Y/N). They call for desperate measures.”

I sigh and shake my head. ”I guess it’s fine, so long as you’re not addicted to caffeine pills.”

“Those don’t do anything for me.”

“That’s terrifying.”

He laughs, hauls himself up from the couch, and offers me a hand. “Shall we?”

“Shall we what?”

“Head out for lunch.”

“Now? I thought you said later.”

“It’s been like five minutes. It’s later now.”

I laugh. “I can’t just go now. I have an appointment with Steve in twenty minutes. We can leave after that.”

He pouts. “Fine.”

“Don’t give me that look, Clint!”

He sighs and trudges towards the door. “I guess I’ll just have to make a reservation for one thirty.”

“That’d be great.”

He flashes a brilliant smile before disappearing out into the hall. I shake my head and move back to my desk.

“That man is gonna get me in trouble.”

“I thought you said you weren’t involved with Clint?”

“I’m not, Bruce.”

“Then what’s this?” He places his phone on my keyboard.

I pick up the phone and find an article titled “Hawkeye’s New Flame, or Just a Fling?” pulled up. A picture of Clint and I at lunch the other day sits just below a paragraph speculating who I could be. I snort and hand him his phone.

“Clint and I went to lunch. That’s all.” I sit back and fold my arms. “What’s the problem, Bruce?”

“I don’t want you getting dragged into some kind of media storm because you work with us.”

“It’s one article!”

“There’s at least four more like it that I’ve seen.”

“I’m not worried about it, Bruce. Clint just went out for lunch and some pap caught us talking. That’s it. There’s nothing more to it, but I can’t stop people from talking.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with it.”

“No one should have to deal with anyone plastering their personal life all over the internet, but you know what? I’d rather get caught out in public with Clint than Tony.” I laugh. “Can you imagine the shitstorm that’d kick up if that happened?”

Bruce tries not to laugh. “I guess you’re right.”

“It was bound to get out that the Avengers brought in a counsellor at some point. It’s better that it’s like this instead of some media outlet picking up a rumor and deciding that you’re all unstable.”

“Well…”

“I’m not saying you’re the most sane bunch, but that’s no one’s business but yours. Regardless, don’t worry about this. It’ll be fine.”

“Alright.” He pockets his phone. “You’d tell me if something was wrong, right?”

“Of course I would, Bruce. If something comes up, I’ll let you know.”

I sit on the floor of the gym and lift the collar of my shirt to wipe the sweat from my face.

Clint plops down on the floor beside me and tips his head to the side.

“Definitely didn’t expect to find you in here,” he says.

“What, I can’t work out?” I groan and lay back. “Ugh.”

“You okay?”

“No. I knew I should’ve just stuck to the treadmill.”

“What’d you do to yourself?”

“Weights.”

He laughs. “Why did you do that?”

“I don’t know. Is wanting to be able to lift a very large dog a good reason?”

“I wouldn’t say it’s a bad reason.” He lays beside me and props himself up on his elbow. “I could help you, if you want.”

“I don’t know how I feel about being all sweaty gross around you.”

He pokes my stomach and I laugh and shift away. “I don’t know, (Y/N), sweaty’s the new sexy.”

“Aw, that’s sweet.” I laugh and scrunch my nose. “Also kind of gross.”

“Sweet and kind of gross, I think you’ve pretty much summed me up perfectly.” I laugh so hard that I snort and he grins. “So, do you want help working out?”

I press my fist to my mouth to quiet my giggling. “If you’re willing to, I really would appreciate it.”

“Then it’s a done deal.” I thank him and his smile softens. “Sorry about those articles last week, by the way.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“I should’ve warned you, at least. I’m used to it, but you didn’t sign up for pap shots and gossip columns when you took this job.”

I scowl. “Honestly, Clint. If you’re not gonna read my lips, read my hands. It’s totally fine. I don’t care. I had a nice time at lunch. A few dumb articles won’t change that.”

“You mean that?”

“Well, yeah. I like spending time with you outside of all of this,” I say, gesturing to the tower in general. “With, y’know, no expectations of maintaining all of the professional bullshit.”

“Pretty sure you’re the most professional one here.”

“Thanks, I’m glad that comes across in the day to day, but do you understand what I’m saying? Like I genuinely do not care about what a shitty news outlet says. At the end of the day, the only opinions that matter are ours.” I sigh and settle on the floor. “Sorry.”

“Sounds like we’re not the only ones who need therapy.”

I hum. “Maybe I do.”

“No shame in it.”

I smile at him. “I know.” I sit up and get to my feet. “It’s getting late, I should head out.”

“You’re in tomorrow, right?”

“Yeah, I’ll be around till noon. I’ve got a wedding later in the day.”

“Not yours, right?”

I laugh. “No, definitely not mine.”

“Cool,” He smiles up at me. “Then I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Since when do we have staff meetings?” Clint asks.

“Since we brought on a counselor,” Tony says.

I frown. “I’ve been here six months and I’ve never been to any kind of meeting.”

“I’m going to ignore the fact that you brought that up and just keep moving with the meeting.”

I snort and shoot Clint a look. He laughs and signs for me to stop. I wave him off and turn my attention back to the head of the table.

Tony rambles on for about half an hour before Steve cuts in and the two of them start going back and forth. They bicker for twenty minutes before Thor swans in, greeting everyone with his bright, booming voice. I was stuck in my office the last time he was on Earth, so our paths never had a chance to cross. Steve takes a moment to introduce the two of us and Thor vigorously shakes my hand, unintentionally jostling me around the whole time. He takes his seat on the other side of Bruce and the conversation picks up again.

I catch Clint’s eye twitching in my peripheral when Thor speaks a little too loudly. I gesture to get his attention and he raises his eyebrows when he meets my eyes.

“You good?” I sign.

He nods. “Can’t pay attention to save my life in these meetings.”

“I’ve never known anyone to compliment your attention span.”

He mouths, “Oh, ha ha,” and I laugh.

“You’re mean, (Y/N).”

“And here I thought you liked me.”

“Never said I didn’t.” He grins. “The way things are going, I’d say you’re probably just my type.”

I shake my head and hide my smile behind my hand. “Stop.”

“Aw, you're cute when you're embarrassed." I flip him off and he laughs. “That's a compliment!"

I snort. “Pay attention, Clint.”

We manage to make it through another hour and, by that time, someone has turned off the lights and started giving a presentation. I fold my arms on the table and rest my chin on top and beg myself to stay awake through this meeting. I’m sure it’ll only be a little while longer.

Clint’s hand creeps into my line of sight and he taps the table to get my attention. I shoot him a quizzical look and he lifts his eyebrows.

“You still with us?” he signs.

“No.”

“It’s going longer than I thought it would.”

“I’m honestly about to fall asleep.”

“Aw, (Y/N), no.”

“This is how I go out. Avenge me, Clint.”

“No!”

“It’s your job. You have to.”

“But who will help me through the trauma?”

I cover my mouth to muffle my laughter. “I’d be dead, that’s none of my concern.”

He shakes his head. “And you call yourself my friend.”

Natasha clears her throat, startling me away from the conversation. I try to pay attention to the presentation, but I just can't wrap my head around what they're talking about and Clint easily distracts me again.

"Quick question."

Surprised, I sign, "Shoot."

"Would you want to go out with me?"

My brain stops working for a second. "Wait, what?"

"I said, will you go out with me?"

My heart hammers in my chest. "Like as friends, or on a date?"

He sighs. "We've been hanging out as friends for months now. I'm asking you on a date, stupid."

My face heats and I sit back in my seat. “Oh.”

He laughs. “Did I break you?”

“A little.” I frown.

“Just say yes!”

Startled, I glance up the table, only to find Natasha glaring at Clint and I. Everyone is looking at us and I suddenly want to disappear.

“What’s the problem?” Steve asks.

“I’m sick of watching the two of them flirt with each other,” Natasha says. “You’ve been mooning over each other for months. Just say yes and be done with it.”

“Nat, they haven’t said a single thing since the beginning of the meeting.”

“They’ve been signing at each other the entire meeting.” She looks directly at me and signs, “I see everything.”

“Sorry.”

“Just say yes.” She looks very pointedly between Clint and I. “You’d be good together.”

“I thought you said you didn’t like him!” Bruce says.

“That was months ago, Bruce. Things change.”

“Don’t be hard on her,” Natasha says. “Clint’s an acquired taste.”

“I’m just gonna, um…” I gesture to the door. “I’m just gonna go.”

I see Tony and Steve nod and I shove my chair back from the table and make my escape. The door shuts behind me, and I’m free. I sigh, relieved to be free of the weight of everyone’s eyes on me, only for the embarrassment of having my crush exposed to my coworkers to settle deep in my stomach.

I press my fingertips to my temples and walk down the hallway. “I knew he was gonna get me in trouble.”

I make the decision to just go back to my office. Maybe I can at least get some work done or, at the very least calm down. I turn as the elevator doors close and catch a glimpse of the conference door opening at the end of the hall. I shift slightly so that it’s not in my line of sight.

The elevator ride feels like it’s too long and I immediately flop down on my couch as soon as I’m in my office. I can't get comfortable and shift around until I'm upside down with my legs over the back of the conch, staring at the ceiling. I press the heels of my hands over my eyes and groan out of frustration.

“I left without even answering him,” I mutter.

The door suddenly opens and I freeze, pulling my hands away from my face, waiting for whoever it is to announce themselves.

"(Y/N)?"

"Clint?" I try to sit up and smack my head on the edge of the coffee table. "Shit."

"Are you okay?" he asks.

I rub my forehead and sit up a little more carefully. "I'll live."

He takes a seat on the coffee table and watches intently as I sit upright on the couch and face him. He reaches out and gently touches my forehead, only to jerk his hand back when I wince.

"Sorry."

"Don't, it's fine."

"Okay." He sighs softly and shuffles awkwardly on the table. He stills when I touch his knee and takes my hand in his. "I'm sorry about the meeting. I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that."

"Honestly, Clint, you don't need to apologize," I murmur. "I got flustered and then embarrassed when everyone else got involved."

"I know. I probably like pushing your buttons a little too much."

"That's not it."

"But I do push your buttons."

"Yeah, but only 'cause I let you." He smiles and I squeeze his hand. "But I'm a deeply private person. To have Natasha butt in like that, no matter the good she meant by it, really set me on edge."

"I had no idea."

"I don't feel like I have to keep everything close to my chest when I’m with you. You tease me, but it’s never from a place of malice and you know me well enough that you never take it too far.”

“I mean, you give as good as you get.” He doesn’t meet my eyes as he runs his thumb over my knuckles. “But still. I should’ve just asked in private, but you know me.”

“Yeah. You’re sweet, but kind of stupid sometimes. More than a little impulsive. And way too fond of coffee.”

“Aw, I thought that was endearing!” He smiles when I laugh. “The invitation still stands, but you don’t have to say yes.”

“What’re you talking about?” He meets my eyes and I shake my head. “I’m not about to turn you down. You haven’t introduced me to your dog yet.”

“Oh, I get it, you only want me for Lucky.”

“Mhm.”

He shakes his head and kneels on the floor in front of me. “Shoulda known.”

“I know, I’m pure evil.” He grins and takes my face in his hands. “I should be fired, right?”

“Without a doubt.”

I hum softly and lean forward to bump my nose against his. After a moment’s hesitation, Clint closes the distance between us and gently kisses me. I place one hand on his forearm and tilt my head to the side to kiss him back. He smiles against my lips and pulls away, his eyes flitting over my face.

“So… about that dog.”

I have no idea what would happen to them after that, but I’d like to think they’re having a great time, petting dogs and continuing to mess with each other, all whilst falling in love.

I’d love to know what you guys thought of this little one shot. Did you love it, did you hate it? Did you breathe out through your nose a little bc you kind of laughed but also didn’t? Be sure to like, reblog, comment, or shoot me an ask and tell me all about it!

If you’d like to be tagged in future fics, please let me know!

Tag list:

@ghostlyhamlet, @claws-of-vibranium, @creaturefeatures101, @buckysendoftheline, @imagine-assembling-the-avengers, @ptprocrastination, @1950schick, @amayasymone23, @arfrona-and-marvel, @ek823, @fanaticfangirl001, @furrywerewolfcollector, @kissofvenom922, @dawn-phantomhive, @fangirlwithasweettooth, @mairhof1, @starryeyesbadguys, @trap-house-homiecide, @buckywhitewolfbarnes, @kaepm981, @howdoesoneadult, @pcdmesamidala, @thefandomplace, @sian22redux, @skeletoresinthebasement, @lady-thor-foster, @jazzcutie, @gaytonystark, @geeksareunique, @nyxveracity, @breezy1415, @feelmyroarrrr, @darling-loki, @lemonadeorange73, @princess-unicorn124, @hermionie-is-my-queen, @tofeartheunknown, @queenoftheunderdark, @avengerscompound

#clint bartonxreader #readerxclint barton #clint barton x reader #reader x clint barton #clintbartonxreader #readerxclintbarton #clint barton #hawkeye #reader insert marvel fic #my perfect birdie boy

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namira2006 · 3 years

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my grandfather was a strange man. I remember as a child, my mother lamenting that he wasn't forthcoming about himself, and how I should initiate a friendship with him.

"He knows so many secrets of the land, can make anything grow. Talk to him. Otherwise that knowledge will go when he goes."

I recall thinking it wouldn't disappear. Surely, that sort of thing is carried along though our descendants. Instinctual, genetically. DNA strands hauling forth those natural instincts. Whether entirely genetic or a predisposed compulsion, woken up once you learn of its historical plait, braided through generations.

All I have of him now is 6 of his gold and silver rings. the finishing touches to his strict daily uniform. Every single day he wore a proper collared shirt, trousers, trouser socks, sock suspenders and leather shoes. Topped off by his gold wedding band and some of those fine rings.

I have long suspected he was autistic. He would often drop conversation prematurely, if even engaged to begin with. Certainly, he was not a people person, often rude, brash and quick to discard other people. But, he would spend every waking hour immersed in dirt, plant life, animals. He and my grandmother had a huge property, 48 Bunkers Hill, Lincoln. Every square inch was filled with burgeoning plant life, huge hothouses. chickens, ducks, geese, turkeys, rabbits, guinea pigs, homing pigeons, dogs, cats, budgies, chipmunks, 2 peahens and one peacock. we stayed there for two winters when i was a young child and as genetically predisposed, I too, spent all my time amongst the leaves, the birds, and the creatures. i've always felt something of a creature myself.

He passed away this year. at least fifteen years spent fighting 2 different cancers. we were never close like i felt we aught to be. but those days i spent frolicking amongst greenery he'd so meticulously curated have a monopoly on the real estate of my sentiment. the sharpness and saturation of those memories more present than all others.

I recall in 2019 or perhaps 2020, one of the last times I was in Melbourne, my mother presented me with a zip loc bag of his rings. this was before he'd passed, and she said I could have them. Holding those heavy rings, I knew he'd be passing soon. I could imagine how it must have felt for a man so intensely grounded in his physicality, his rituals, his possessions, how much the knowledge his fingers could no longer bear the weight of those rings, must have struck.

I have always gotten along best with my dad's family. Despite the nasty gossip my mother insists on purporting. They are a lively, personable bunch. Excitable and wise-cracking. My nan, Rita, an orphan of war, as rugged and unflappable as they come. She's had at least 2 strokes from alcoholism and has emphysema from smokes. i could barely follow her slurred speech with her thick accent. she still joked incessantly, even short of breath, she laughed about how much she'd still love to go for a fag.

My mother's family, on the other hand, are all rather aloof, standoffish. My grandma is very bubbly and animated once talking, but from an outsider view, she looks like a crabby little old woman, weaving swiftly through the crowds, as though she always has somewhere better to be.

After granddad's funeral, which my sibling, mother and I watched on Microsoft Teams from different plants, grandma spoke to us on the phone. her black cloak swamped her frame and she smiled and cracked jokes as always. ever so cheery and generous. closed to the world barring a select few. christ, how i wanted to hug her. they'd been married 60 years.

i've always seen so much of myself in my parents' families. such a strange thing to find familiarity and sameness amongst people you hardly know.

two of my cousins are sisters, similarly aged to my sibling and i. the eldest is also bi and the younger is also gay. their father is a Hong Konger, undoubtedly that would have shaped their daily lives and experience in different ways to mine, living somewhere like countryside England with features marked Other. they are also both tattooed, iconoclastic, gregarious and quietly extremely neurotic. what i wouldnt give for the four of us to hang out. when their parents got married & I attended the wedding age 5, Heather and I had spent hours doing the silliest things imaginable, as children do. I have always struggled with making friends.

When charlotte and I were in Wales, traipsing through the hills and valleys, we visited the war museum at Cardiiff castle. they still have all the tunnels and bomb shelters up. I have often found the air raid sirens used in ww2 UK, the most bone chilling sound. my father's hometown was bombed to bits in the ww2 Blitz. 'tis where they built spitfires to fight off the nazis. my grandparents had all been children and teenagers during ww2. grandma told me a little of how she'd had to use code words and names to get the train to school, proving she wasn't a traitor. i have to wonder if my fight-flight response to hearing the replicated sound of those air raid sirens, has been deeply woven into my DNA strands.

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the-autisticats · 4 years

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Autism and Borderline Personality Disorder: how are they linked?

This is a complex question with many answers, and unfortunately there hasn’t been enough research done to evaluate what percentage of autistic people have BPD. However, there are some known neurobiological links, and life experiences common in autistic people which predispose us to develop BPD.

I figured out that I have BPD around a year and a half ago, which was honestly quite a relief. It explains the anxiety and intense fear of abandonment that I experience in close relationships. It explains why my moods fluctuate depending on how I perceive others’ likelihood of abandoning me, which has historically snowballed into suicidality. It explains why I have a history of unstable and intense relationships. Most of all, it explains the way that trauma from my childhood continues to affect me and my relationships every day.

Up to 60% of people with BPD also meet the criteria for PTSD. Whereas many people with PTSD develop it after events that occur later in life, people who experience traumatic events in early childhood are much more likely to develop BPD. Because of how common early experiences of abuse, maltreatment, and neglect are in people with BPD, many professionals have argued that it’s a unique form of PTSD. I agree with that.

The likelihood of developing BPD is high in people who are naturally more emotionally sensitive, and then experience multiple traumatic events in close relationships, starting in early childhood. And because of their natural emotional sensitivity, people with BPD may have been traumatized by events that others wouldn’t be traumatized by. So, the way I understand it, BPD is relationship-focused PTSD, exacerbated by a person’s natural emotional sensitivity.

This makes complete sense when I look back on my own childhood.

For starters, my home environment was often hostile and did not meet my needs as an autistic person. I had frequent, violent meltdowns as a child due to my sensory needs not being met, and me not being listened to. During those meltdowns, I was often locked in my room alone for hours on end, while I screamed and cried. Sometimes, I would be pinned to the ground and sat on by my parents, often to the point that I struggled to breathe. After meltdowns, I was often grounded for weeks on end. No TV, no dessert, no playdates, no fun activities.

All of this was traumatic. I felt abandoned, invalidated, and betrayed by my primary caretakers. They didn’t listen to my needs, and didn’t believe me when I talked to them about my experiences. Then, they punished me for having meltdowns after they had pushed me to my breaking point.

That sort of thing went on consistently until I was around 12 years old, and has slowly improved over time, as I’ve taught my parents more about autism. They also recognize that the way they treated me in childhood was traumatic to me, and we’ve had good conversations about that. But my parents and I still have trust issues, and I find that they’re still frequently dismissive of my needs and thoughts.

That was just my home environment. At school, I had trouble too. Starting in pre-K, at 4 years old, I was bullied by my peers. One of my most distinct memories from preschool is a girl telling me that I couldn’t sit with her and her friend, because, as she said, “you’re weird!”

That sort of experience started at age 4, and continued through middle school and into high school. I’ve been talked about behind my back, called names, un-invited from parties, flat-out not invited to parties held by the other members of my friend group, laughed at, ignored, lied to, gaslit, ghosted... the list goes on.

It didn’t help that I moved across the continent, from Texas to New Jersey, when I was 9 years old. I was uprooted from my friends in Texas, who I was actually beginning to feel secure with, and plopped in the middle of a new social landscape with people who already had established friendships with each other.

So, just to recap:

I felt abandoned by my parents, who didn’t listen to my needs and punished me for entering uncontrollable states of overstimulation brought on by their invalidation of my experiences. I was shut out of friendships and positive social interaction from a young age, and then often literally abandoned and ignored by the few people I actually had become friends with. I felt unstable and isolated when I was uprooted from my home in Texas, and forced to navigate an entirely new social landscape in New Jersey. All of this was at least in part due to the fact that I’m autistic.

So it’s not as if I’ve just now developed BPD. It started in elementary school. But it really became a problem in 8th grade. I was already anxious and insecure in relationships due to all of my prior experiences, and when my new friends began to exhibit patterns of exclusion that I was already familiar with, this resulted in me making further attempts to avoid abandonment- which inadvertently pushed them further away.

Then, at the end of my freshman year of high school, I lost the vast majority of my friends. I think it was probably a combination of their inability to understand & accept my autistic traits, and my poorly managed anxiety & impulsivity that kept being triggered by what I perceived as instances of exclusion and abandonment. That collapse of my friendships in freshman year was the lowest point in my life, and I believe it’s what caused my nervous system to fritz out to the point that I’ve started having panic attacks so intense that I vomit. I’ve dealt with that unfortunate symptom since late 2017.

My current close friendships haven’t been spared from BPD, either. I think the most difficult part of BPD is the fact that the people I love the most are also my worst triggers. And I know it’s probably very hard for them to cope with my clinginess, anxiety, over-communication, and panic attacks. I would give anything to stop vomiting during panic attacks caused by my brain flipping out about microscopic interactions with other people. Because it’s miserable for me, and alienating to them.

Luckily, I’ve stopped vomiting (for the most part), thanks to my psychiatrist increasing the dosage of my anxiety medication. But I still have panic attacks, I still overthink interactions, I still get overly attached to specific people, and I still fear abandonment.

This is why communicating with people about my BPD has been incredibly important. Through knowing that I’m traumatized from historical experiences, they can recognize that what’s happening to me isn’t really about them. My irrational anxiety and over-communication shouldn’t be taken personally. When I get overly focused on and attached to one specific person, it’s not just because I really like them, it’s also because they have a history of treating me well and I’m therefore extremely afraid that their care for me won’t last and they’ll abandon me.

I suspect that many autistic & otherwise neurodivergent people can relate to a lot of what I just shared. When I hear people talking about “rejection sensitivity” in relation to autism and ADHD, I wonder how many of them have considered the role of childhood trauma in shaping the way that neurodivergent people experience close relationships. In my view, rejection sensitivity isn’t an inherent aspect of neurodivergence. Rather, it’s something that’s created by our social circumstances.

As I discussed in-depth in my post about autism and psychosis, the role of trauma in shaping the way autistic people’s brains function can’t be discounted. I hope that more research and writing is done to explore that connection. And in the meantime, I’ll continue publicly exploring my own complicated brain.

~Eden🐢

#actually autistic #autism #autistic #borderline personality disorder #ableism #trauma #complex ptsd #ptsd #childhood trauma

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mannatea · 3 years

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Hi. I used to follow your old blog on a different account. Hope you're doing well. Do you have any tips on thinking up stories that are *not* dark and depressing due to subject material? The last story I was working on I had to quit because the backstory I was developing for my passive male character was super depressing. At times I enjoyed researching it, though what won out was the thought I was wasting my time looking into angsty things for something I wasn't even planning to publish. Now I want to write something a little happier. But I have the most experience in writing angst and cringe comedy 😅 thanks for any help you can give. Stay safe out there!

By the way, good on you for dropping that manga you used to follow. I was happy most of the characters lived, but other than that, it felt "meh" to me (granted, I didn't read all the way from the beginning). The author was probably going for a "people will always be fighting each other" theme, but some of the imagery of what happened after a time skip could definitely be taken as pro-fascist. And I was disappointed the protagonist basically said he wanted to bring about destruction! I'm glad I didn't spend any money to read it.

Wow, hi! I’m doing all right, thanks for asking. I hope you’re doing all right, too. :)

As far as “that manga” goes, I’ve kept tabs on it. I’ve been on the fringes for the last two-ish years; I dedicated something like four real life years to that fandom and mostly had a good time while I was there (made some friends I hope to keep for life), so it was one of those situations where I just had to find out how it ended. I realized at some point that I was in a very negative space in the fandom, and felt it was better to publicly drop the series and the blog associated with all of my meta/discussion than to play in what had become a toxic pool for me. I didn’t really want to drop the account after my time there, but I couldn’t have dealt with the nonstop questions/messages/etc that would have piled in over the years, and eh, when you’re done you’re done. I criticize Hallmark television for fun, now, instead. It’s a lot less stressful! And literally nothing is That Deep so there’s very few delusions, at least on the Tumblr side of things. (Reddit, however, is insane, but I don’t post in the fandom there.)

As far as writing advice goes, I am going to apologize in advance for muddled thoughts. I just got out of work and have been staring at numbers all day, so it’s hard for me to think lmaoo.

In my opinion, any sort of character or personality type/flaw/whatever could have developed via a negative OR positive influence/catalyst, so that’s something to consider. I also think people tend to reach for “sad” or “traumatic” pasts either as a way to cope with their own issues/pasts/whatevers, or because it’s the “easy explanation” for why a character is the way they are.

If you WANT to write things a certain way, it’s sometimes a matter of changing the lens through which you’re viewing life, the story, the characters, or character writing in general. This is never easy, especially when you find a genre you feel comfortable in, but it’s always possible. When I was in college and submitted an autobiographical piece (Rot Tooth) for a creative writing final, I received multiple comments from classmates and even the professor that my talent/skill was in writing comedy. COMEDY!!!! I don’t think anyone who has read my writing from the last decade would say that I was a comedy writer. I stopped labeling ‘fics as humor/romance so long ago I can’t even remember when it was. But boom. I had written a comedy piece.

I don’t think I can ignore that most of the comedic elements in Rot Tooth were brought about because humor is one of the ways in which I cope with things, but it was also a very conscious choice I made. I wanted people to be able to engage with the story without being grossed out, without getting bored, without feeling that it was a poor-pathetic-me story, and humor was the classiest way to do it. Here, read this long story that includes journal entries from Ye Olde Livejournal days, but it will make you laugh often enough that the depressing aspects of the story don’t weigh it down too much! It was probably the only way to make the subject matter widely palatable.

As often as I joke about characters or scenes or moments that “just write themselves” the author does have control. I mostly write fanfiction, so let’s go with examples from that.

I’m (very slowly) working on a ‘fic called Three Years which features a character who, when last seen, was headed off to serve a prison sentence. They haven’t been on the show for three years and thus I assume they have been serving that sentence for the last three years. The story starts when this character is released from prison. They are a woman. This is a historical piece of fiction. Prisons were vile to women and yet...this is fiction. I have a choice. I get to choose. Does she get to start her life off carrying 25 bags of trauma or just 2? It would be unreasonable to expect that someone, especially a woman, who was imprisoned for 3 years in the early 1900s wouldn’t have some issues (at the very least, the isolation would have been awful), but it doesn’t really have to be much worse than that. It doesn’t.

I have the power to choose.

A character has anger issues. Sure, he could have had a traumatic past with an abusive parent who took his anger out on him or his mom or whatever...or maybe it is an inherited personality trait and the parent figure with the problem was never really That Bad about it, but seeing it normalized makes it harder for the character in question to realize it’s a huge problem and part of their character arc is realizing they need to get help, not because they don’t want to be like their dad, and not because they hate their dad, but because they just want to be a better person/they don’t want to let that struggle consume them.

Someone’s sweetheart goes off to war. Guess what? They don’t have to die there to force a traumatic past. They don’t have to come back a raging alcoholic either. Maybe the time apart, and the time fighting a war just puts a natural sort of crack in the relationship by making it clearer to each character what they want in life/what matters to them in their life.

A character is super passionate about their work/hobby. Maybe they have ADHD and it’s a hyperfixation. Maybe they’re autistic and it’s a Special Interest. It doesn’t have to be “their parents ignored them and forced them to be alone all the time and they used this thing to cope so it means everything to them because it’s always been there.”

Maybe you have a character whose greatest fear is losing the people they love. It doesn’t have to be because a pet died in their arms when they were four and it traumatized them. It doesn’t have to be because they only have one person they love in the whole world. It can just be a thing because that’s a valid fear literally anyone can reasonably have, and maybe it’s a bigger deal because they don’t have siblings or aren’t close to many people! (And the “aren’t close to many people” thing doesn’t have to stem from trauma, either. Most busy adults for example who get to choose their friends, are just like that.)

A perfectionist might just have the personality type; it doesn’t mean their parents criticized everything they ever did. A person with three failed marriages might hesitate to fall in love and try again but it doesn’t have to be because those three failed marriages were abusive. A quiet character may just be shy or introverted by nature.

I think everyone carries some kind of trauma with them, so it’s never unreasonable to have some in a person’s past (you can’t write an ugly character without having to think about the fact that they carry some trauma from what it’s like to grow up ugly), but it doesn’t have to define them. It doesn’t have to overshadow everything else in their past.

You can always ask yourself, “Why am I reaching for angst every time I create a backstory?” Literally everyone has some kind of angst. Most kids were hurt by things said to them in school, for example, or made fun of for some reason. Most people did something extremely embarrassing as a kid and never got over it. There are a thousand little moments in our adult lives that go back to these little points—you might call them the tiny traumas. But they’re not defining. They’re not so heavy they also live in the present. Not all of them.

Why do you reach for the darkest corner? Why not for the light? Or a middle ground?

I encourage people to write basically whatever floats their boat, but it sounds like you’re at a point where you just feel weighed down by that sort of stuff, and that’s not a great way to feel, especially when it discourages you from working on a project entirely.

My final suggestion: look at some of your favorite characters from various types of media. Are they all traumatized? What are their defining characteristics? Black Beauty has some depressing stuff in it, but is ultimately a story with a happy ending. Pride and Prejudice has drama, but nobody’s past is filled with the darkest stuff imaginable. North and South has awful things to consider in it (cotton mills were sooo awful) but the characters are not wildly traumatized people.

What kind of story are you trying to tell? Do the characters need to be traumatized to tell it? Does the story have to be dark to get across the message you want to send?

Way back in the day, when I was into “that manga” I made an RP blog for a one-off character that nobody gave a damn about. Like, he was so one-off that even back in those days nobody even remembered him having existed. It was sort of a joke RP blog that wasn’t supposed to be serious. The only canon information we had about this character was that he enjoyed drinking. I decided to make him a lighthearted character because the series was pretty dark and I wanted to send people hilarious starters instead of wading through the muck of depression with everyone else’s sad, abused characters. I decided his family was old money and he had a brother. Nothing super traumatizing in his past. Some family issues but not the sort of thing that would haunt anyone. He was not traumatized in his recent past any more than other characters were. Mostly just “a regular guy.” I really loved RPing him. He was fun! The story could get heavy but he didn’t have to be.

Anyway, dive head-first into the dark angst if you want, but if it’s not necessary to tell the story you want to tell, just remember you don’t have to go there. You have the choice.

#long post #thoughts about writing #nacrene-archaeologist #answered mail

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datingintampafails · 3 years

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Chapter 32: Timmy*

Timmy* gave off a frat-boy kind of vibe with the pictures in his profile, a trope that has become my type. His profile did seem to be half-heartedly filled out; his hometown was just the abbreviation of the state, his employment simply said "cardiac surgery," and a couple typos.

Mostly my reason for wanting to message him, in particular, was that one of his prompts about a travel story was very obviously cut off and he ran out of characters. I messaged him saying the cliffhanger was dramatic and wanted to hear the whole story. It was a very long story, involving being in Ireland and a random person coming into his and his family member’s room. I mentioned I didn’t have anything quite that interesting regarding my travels before. We chatted more and although I wouldn’t say we had a lot of similar hobbies and interests, the conversation did flow well. He was definitely more active than I, going to the gym often and eating pretty healthy and en mass. Very much a gym bro type. I also had assumed he was a surgeon, given his position being cardiac surgery, but then learned later he was more involved in some sort of programming instead for cardiac devices, so not really cardiac surgery per se.

When we moved away from Hinge and onto text messaging, we were both mutually behaving as if we had known each other a while, and better than we did. At one point, he had asked, “are you a guy version of me?” To which, I was very aware of how little we knew about each other, which led me to respond that it was too soon to tell.

I did however confirm my place as forever the more aggressive one; I text him one day "Timmy*, when they fuck are we going out?" Not that it had been too much of a long time talking, but just that he had not yet made a move, and that we were obviously getting along and it would make sense for us to take that next step. We plan for a few days from then, a Tuesday, after work, and that it would have to be more or less played by ear because of our jobs' schedules being semi-unpredictable. My easy place, Armature Works, was chosen as where we would meet up.

Our date got pushed back slightly, as I got off on time, but he was going to be held up at work later than expected. He did however give me ample heads up, so I just relaxed at home a little longer than I would have otherwise, and perfected my outfit and minimal make-up. The day of the date, and leading up to it, I made jokes about being a catfish and that I was actually a middle-aged, fat, Russian man. I continued this while I waited for him when I was describing what outfit I was wearing so he could recognize me better with my mask on, then later added that I was still a middle-aged Russian man, but that I was still wearing a skirt and crop top. I waited for him on a bench for almost 30 minutes. I arrived on time to when he had delayed the date, but still too early apparently. Luckily, I had brought my headphones, so I just listened to some music to pass the time by.

Finally, I received a text message saying that he had parked and then that he could see me. Nothing is more uncomfortable than being seen and not seeing who is looking at you. I looked around and didn't see anyone that looked like him, so I went back to staring at my phone. Eventually, a man looking more like him appeared trotting down the small set of stairs next to me. Although he definitely wasn't short, he seemed shorter than what I was expecting, and his hairline seemed to be just starting to recede.

He was not familiar with the location as much as I am, so I took it upon myself to give him a tour of the location. Despite being indoors, and still pretty amidst a pandemic in late February, Timmy* kept taking his mask off. As a healthcare worker, I was confused and appalled; he should know better. I yelled at him every time to put it back on. Once he said, "you're one of those huh?" I almost rolled my eyes back into my head. Then he also asked me, "well when can I take it off?" to which I responded, "when we are outside and/or we sit down to eat/drink." He got a beer at one of the bars, and it was a beer that had some marijuana in it, which was an interesting choice. After having toured the whole place, it was time to split off to order our respective meals. I got my food, and a drink, and wandered over to the area I had last seen him, as he had said he was going to get a pizza. He was nowhere to be found, so I text him asking where he was. He indicated that he was over by where he had gotten his beer.

I found him and then he told me that he had ordered food from two different restaurants because he couldn't decide and also eats so much due to his athleticism. We found a spot to sit nearby outside, and it is a lovely night, we were comfortable in the fresh air. We both finally did take off our masks and started to eat.

I half-heartedly apologized for being so hard on him regarding the mask-wearing, but emphasized that I am passionate about proper mask-wearing because of my experience with having the virus and wanting to make sure to reduce the spread. He then said, "Oh you had COVID! I'm in a way glad to hear it." He then pauses before saying, "I have COVID too. My doctor said I'm asymptomatic? So I'm totally good." My eyes must have gotten the size of saucers; I leaned away from him and was looking around seeing if anyone had heard him. "Wait what?" Is all I could say. "Uh, no. Please tell me you're joking?" Timmy* stares at me confused, "I'm asymptomatic! So that means like I don't have it."

I am prepared to leave immediately. "So you had a positive test? What? Why are you here right now?" I say. Finally, he drops the rouse and admits he was kidding, but that he got me. "That was not funny. I was legitimately terrified!" So far, this date is bizarre. He mentions that because I joked around so much that I would appreciate it. I did not.

We eat our food and chat. Unfortunately, he also is a person who seems to eat with their mouth open. Another strike. Timmy* has become very comfortable around me, as he also decides to tell me another long story about the time he was "sexually assaulted by a doctor." Which was that he went to a doctor for a physical and that she had grabbed his testicles and had him cough, though the way he told it was extremely drawn out and had many mini-stories leading up to the point that was supposed to be the assault. I then told him, "I'm sorry to say that your doctor was not trying to hit on you on anything, that is a normal thing that happens with mens' checkups." This was news to him. It was obvious that he is not a well-versed healthcare worker.

Once we finished our food, I suggested we walk along the river. First, though, I wanted to drop off my leftovers in my car. We walk to it and I make him guess what kind of car I drive. He is impressed by my car and we don't linger long before I say we should leave the parking lot. He tells me that he has a muscle car, which is so random and I would never put him in a car like that. Whereas a sixteen-year-old girl might be googoo-gaga over this, as a full-grown adult, it isn't quite as alluring to have a car like that.

While on the riverwalk, I become irritated at the fact that he walks very slow. Slower than I am able to walk. It makes no sense as I am significantly shorter than he is, so my strides shouldn't be longer than his. I mention to him that he walks slow and I ask that he walk a little faster. He picked up the pace, but then slowly reverted to his tortoise-like speed over time. I tire of our uneven velocities and we take a seat on some rock benches. We chat about brief things and I suggest we walk back. Again, I battle with the paces, mention it a couple more times that I am unable to walk as slow as he walks.

We get back to the main area of Armature and take a seat in some oversized chairs. He tells me about his family and some stories about his relationships in middle school and high school, which are also drawn out and bizarre. It nears 10pm, and we are told by staff that they close at 10. A couple minutes til, I remind him we need to leave and I ask where he parked. He parked in a different lot, I offered to walk him to his car. He offers to drive me to my car. We do so and his muscle car is indeed very overly-masculine. He goes on to go through a bunch of random songs on Spotify, only playing each song for less than 30 seconds, very ADHD-like. He drives me to my car, but wants to keep me there, again showing me more songs. I'm politely just listening as he flexes on all the types of music he listens to. He tries to show off that he knows "alternative music," my preferred genre, but I point out that a lot of the songs he's playing are more "pop-punk" or just old alternative jams.

He compliments my music taste and mentions that he has noticed I am adept at knowing song names, musicians, movies, and so forth. I begin to joke that likely I am a little autistic, adding "I'm working on my eye contact," as I make direct eye contact with him. What he says next, is something that I was not prepared for, and something that still baffles me, and possibly always will. "Yeah, you do look a little retarded." Immediately, I burst out into laughter; not because I think what he said was funny, but because I am so bewildered and shocked by what was just said. Eventually, through the laughter tears I am able to get out, "Dude you shouldn't say that to a woman." He insists it was a joke and makes excuses, but I keep laughing, with my hand on the door handle just waiting for a good moment to step out. I repeat that what he said isn't cool, and eventually stop laughing long enough to say, "alright, on that note, I think I should head out." Being friendly, I still ask that he tell me when he gets home since I know he has a longer commute home than I do. I wave goodbye through our car windows.

The formalities are complete; he texts me ever so briefly the next day, respectfully I respond, knowing well I never plan on going out with him again. Then it seems we have a mutual ghosting situation, as I don't try to text him, nor he to me. This day I have another date, and after that one, I have no one that I want to communicate with as that is also a dud. All is good until a few days later when I am out with my friends in Ybor, drunk. I get a text from Timmy* saying "yo." I lament and groan and my friends ask about my reaction. I explain the situation and one of my guy friends asks for my phone. I hand it to him as he starts to text him on my behalf.

My phone is with my friend, but with my Apple Watch, I can see the text conversation and when he is responding. I start yelling "oh god please don't bring him here. I don't want to see this guy." Respecting my wishes, my friend decides to still fuck with him, but prevent this poor soul from spending money on an Uber and coming down.

My friends then send a selfie of themselves, with me not in it, saying "she's with me." I yell at them more saying, let this guy be, just ignore him. However, instead, my friend takes it a step further.

I tell my friend that he was too harsh and that I of course would have told him I wasn't interested, but a lot more mature and kindly. When later I check, understandably Timmy* has unmatched me on Hinge*, likely blocked my number. No loss there though.

#dating #relationships #stpete #hinge #bumble #tinder #tampa #tampabay #clearwater #florida #floridadating

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