#and how autistic people will go on and on about their special interests
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Thinking about autistic Riku…
Riku who wasn’t diagnosed until after he became a keyblade master, and that was only because Merlin took one look at him and was like “oh my sweet summer child.”
15yr old Riku at the peak of his masking having actual fits of physical rage in his bedroom that he doesn’t really have an answer for other than “today was hard” that are actually meltdowns. We’re talking throwing things, braking shit, rocking and hair gripping. The whole nine yards.
Riku who struggles comprehending why his friends make plans and then don’t follow them through. Like building the raft. They said they were going to do it, so he was doing it. Why was he the only one taking it seriously?
Riku who’s grasp on humour and sarcasm is good up to a point. Meaning he knows how to do it himself, but if it’s directed at him it takes him a hot second to sus it out. He usually ends up giving actual explanations to people for their sarcasm, even though he’s registered what it was, and then gets told “I was joking”. Which fustrated the hell out of him because he KNEW that!!
Riku who has really bad light sensitivity and it’s part of the reason he keeps his hair long for such a long time. Sometimes he kind of wishes he could have the blindfold back.
Riku who despite purposefully keeping his hair long, spends nearly every day tying it back because it’s too much, then taking it down because that’s too much, then putting it back up and taking it back down until he seriously considers taking a pair of scissors to it.
Riku who doesn’t like to be touched unless he’s initiating the touch. Sora is the ONLY exception to that rule, but even then Riku has days when he moves out of Sora’s hold because it’s too much.
Riku who’s special interest is Gummi ships and is VERY happy when they go to see Cid and the RGRC because Cid is the only one that can keep up with his 1000mph rants about mobility blocks and rotation weaponry.
Riku who values silence, and no one can figure out how he deals with Sora’s constant stream of chatter, until he one day moves his hair back to show Mickey the earplugs in his ears. He felt guilty about it for a long time until Sora told him he already knew about the plugs and didn’t mind, he just like being with him.
Riku who likes to play with kairis hair but can’t abide having his own hair touched.
Riku who will usually eat anything but if you give him avocado he will have the biggest sensory ick moment you’ve ever seen. Same goes for mushrooms.
Riku who steadfastly refuses to sleep in fuzzy PJ’s because “no thanks I’d rather be flayed alive, it would be less stressful.”
Riku who, at aged 8, told kairi that if she put that scarf around his neck he would “absolutely start screaming” and then did when she insisted he’d catch cold. Scarfs are demon cloths.
Riku who would rather sit at the back of squalls office in the corner while the other man works, than sit in the science lab with everyone else because Squalls office is quiet and he likes that Squall says what he means.
Riku who ignored his own emotional, physical and sensory needs/wellbeing for months while looking for sora and ended up having a meltdown in front of Mickey and master YenSid.
Riku who now has an app on his Gummiphone that Cid, Squall, Even and Ienzo designed to help him build routine and regulate/track his emotional well-being.
He relies of the breathing exercises game a lot in Quadratum.
Riku who is the reason chip and dale created dark mode in phone settings because nobody could figure out why he barely used his phone until he admitted that it always felt like he was looking into the sun.
Riku who has keyblade related Stims, like tapping the flat of the blade with his nails or messing with the key chain when he’s stressed.
Riku who also has stims such as: flicking his tongue inside his mouth while he’s thinking; twirling strands of his hair incessantly; scrunching his nose; clicking his fingers when he’s distressed; tapping the toe of his boot against the opposite heel when he’s stood still; imperceptible swaying; holding his thumb knuckle gently between his teeth; soft popping noises with his mouth; tapping his palms with the tips of his fingers.
I have more but this is it for now.
#autistic riku#riku headcanon#autistic riku headcanon#KH riku#kingdom hearts#KH sora#radiant garden#rgrc
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#every time i try to share something with my mom#about the experiences an autistic person goes through.....she laughs#like once when i had her read a passage written by a woman recounting her experiences with meltdowns#and my mom started bursting out laughing like it was the funniest thing#and then today#i had her read a little passage about special interests#and how autistic people will go on and on about their special interests#and once again she just started laughing#and it just....hurts#and feels so....like here i am opening up and trying to show her#this is me!!!#this is how my brain works and what i go through!!!#and she acts like it's all just so funny#i got a book today about a girl who is relating her autism to the 'witches' in her history class#and trying to make sense of the injustice that took place#and i shared with my mom the description on the back cover#and she just did this weird kind of half-laugh#and said 'sounds funny'#how is any of this funny#i....don't get it#am i missing something?#autism#actually autistic
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I think we pushed the "don't infantalize autistic people" slider too far and now we're back to using virgin as an insult and equating liking "childish" media to being stupid again. Why is it so difficult to just let autistic people exist without being weird about them
#Like OBVIOUSLY there are autistic people who fuck. I fuck!! But are you normal about autistic people who are virgins?#How about autistic people who choose not to have sex? People whose aroace identity is influenced by their autism?#Can you be normal about autistic people who have special interests that you think are childish? Or are you going to talk down to them?#ANYWAY#malhare.txt
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one of my favourite past times is researching my special interests as if I don't already know all the information I'm seeing. I love googling and reading things like yep knew that yep knew that yep knew that like of course you know that you idiot you only googled this yesterday there isn't going to be anything new 😭
#i do this to a lot of them but this specifically is about alice in wonderland#like there isnt going to be anything new that book was written years ago bestie#i enjoy reading literary analysis of it though hehehe#i projected onto alice as a character so hard as a child and that in itself is so autism#rip to all the autistics who existed before google when finding information and content was more difficult 🙏🏻 thinking of you guys fr#autism#special interest#when people ask me what my hobby is how do i tell them its this 😗
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yeah its important to have interests that arent just for children as an adult because at the end of the day it’s good for you and the way you percieve media overall to have a variety of things that you like but like you also shouldnt make fun of adults who are passionate about childrens media and imply theyre stupid for it. i think both of these takes can exist at once
#i dont like how some people are taking ''read a book for adults'' as ''do this so you are less cringe and stupid in my opinion''#rather than ''do so because its genuinely good for you''#and even so if someone likes childrens media and they like to analyze it and theyre not being a jackass to kids about it#just leave them alone? sometimes that's just what their interests are and thats okay. it makes them happy#and i hate to be That Guy but uhhhh. yeah theres an overlap here w nd adults#not all of us but certainly a good amount bc some special interests are so strong that they last throughout childhood#past an ''acceptable'' age#and again not the case for everyone but like most autistic adults i personally know are into childrens media#and have been into a specific property since they were a young child#and thats just autism like im sure for people with down syndrome and others have a similar experience#and even if they like something recent like bluey like. who cares it is not hurting you#echoed voice#and it also annoys me that most posts like this have people going ''um well fandom moms are annoying tho''#or even worse literally implying there's inherently a sinister motive#as if its not common for adults to get mocked for being childish and naturally get defensive#and as if every single adult into a pbs show or toh is inherently a bad person or something.#bc people will go through several mental gymnastics to defend being a jackass over something not socially acceptable#before they go ''yeah thats kind of rude sorry''
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I'm so excited to see what Ncuti Gatwa I can do as the Doctor! So far everything he's been in for trailers and stuff has shown him as being pretty charismatic, which is nice of course, but I'm also really hoping that he can pull off the weird awkward dorkiness that is also critical to the Doctor's personality.
Like, Ncuti Gatwa as a person seems very cool, but I'm hoping he can be a little uncool too as the Doctor. It's important to me
#Doctor Who#Fifteenth Doctor#I am talking#I am just some guy (gender neutral)#this is so strange because we've had so much longer than normal to think about him in the role#also I saw someone say (maybe jokingly I guess? but I'm autistic so it's sticking with me anyway)#that because of how revealing his outfit is and the line with David Tennant and Isaac Newton that they're going to have like.#gay sex scenes in his season? and I cannot stress this enough how much I do not want there to be any sex scenes in doctor who#and I cannot possibly stress how much I do not want there to be any sex scenes in Doctor Who. regardless of the genders involved#my logical brain knows that is incredibly unlikely because Doctor Who is so established as a family show#but like. please do not force my sex-repulsed self to watch sex scenes in order to engage with my special interest. please#anyway that's not strictly relevant to Ncuti himself#but people are speculating about him in kind of weird ways based on as far as I can tell nothing more than a v-neck shirt
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“everyone with [nontraumagenic condition] is actually secretly traumatized whether they know it or not” isn’t any better just because you’re talking about autism rather than plurality lol
- ace
#maybe a poor comparison because the causation people are arguing for is different#but it's frustrating seeing plural spaces go#'oh there's no such thing as a nontraumatized autistic :)' like do you realize what you're actually saying there#... though maybe the causation isn't entirely different when you see people talk about how special interests are traumagenic etc. lol
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Just like a vent comic thing
#vent#51nn0n art#comic#gahahaha I’ve just been kinda going through it recently lol#but this is just kinda about how often my friends jokingly complain about my interestsand info dumping#or just flat out freaking yell out me for just mentioning that I have an interests#like I enjoy listening to them rant infodump and talk#WHAT I DONT GET IS THAT THESE PEOPLE WHO MAKE FUN OF MY INTEREST OR YELL AT ME#ARE ALSO AUTISTIC???#Like I just#sometimes I would like to talk about my interests#yknow#or even mention them#its something that just gets to me I guess#sometimes I wish my friends would let me talk about my special interests without reprimanding me or making fun of me#They let other people talking about their interests#they get to talk about their interests#but because they dont really care about my interests or think that it’s stupid or ‘babyish’#they dont care#They yell at me#they tell me that I need to like normal people things#The deal is I listen to them and enjoy hearing them talk because it makes my friends happy and when I want to talk about what I like#they tell me to shut up
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TOM SCOTT QUITTING YOUTUBE ON JANUARY 1ST???? WHAT A WIN TO START A YEAR 🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥
#listen..im sure he's a LOVELY guy and i know many many people love him#but he talked completely wrong information about my special interest like he knew what he was on about and it made my blood boil#therefore i want to punt him into the sun#fellow autistics you know how it is#my condolences to anyone sad about this and my apologies if i have got the information wrong#I'm mostly going off what my friends have said and im not watching the video because I don't have 8 minutes for him
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I'm watching mob pyscho 100 and it actually makes sense now. I tried to watch it once when I was younger and couldn't understand anything that was going on but now I'm like "oooh we're autistic" lmao. So THAT'S why I didn't know what was going on
#lol i remember being like 'bro what kinda protagonist is this? hes a little naive and overpowered but other than that completely normal'#and now im like oh mob is just very autistic coded. which is my normal but yeah#i had to learn about how neurotypical people see autism though because it tends to be a very big misunderstanding#for example if you told me someone doesnt feel emotion id assume thats what you meant and wouldnt associate that with autism at all#but then seeing mob being told hes emotionless when hes actually very prone to being overwhelmed by his emotions#i felt like that was very relatable#and then they tell him to show more emotion and express himself more but when he does#they all go 'ew not like that wtf' which is just. yeah relatable#anyway physcology special interest go brr
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#ive tried multiple times to write down my thoughts on this but my brain is just too scattered and it comes out all jumbled#but here's another attempt i guess#so yeah ive read the medium article about rusty quill. i'm absolutely gutted.#i suppose it's not super surprising but still. i hadnt expected it to be this bad#ive never really cared about rq as a company tbh but i do care about tma! a lot!#its been my special interest for almost 2 years now and if you're not autistic#(or hell maybe even if you are autistic - everyone experiences autism differently ofc)#i dont think you understand what that means. its not just a show i like. its like a part of my identity#its helped me through some really tough times and i can't begin to describe how happy it made me#when a continuation was announced just as i was once again going through some bullshit#i really want to still be excited about tmp because it really is so important to me#and tbh i dont think there's anything wrong with still enjoying tma/tmp? you can like sth and still be critical of the company behind it#and tma was written and created by jonny and not alex so i do sorta see it as its own thing and not just sth made by rq#but i keep seeing people on here acting like you have to boycott tmp (or even tma) now and that just makes me really upset#ill cancel my patreon and withdraw my kickstarter pledge and all#because i dont want to financially support rq unless they make some significant changes and commit to them#but i still want to engage with my special interest! need to really because thats just the way my brain works#and sticking to fandom content wont work for me because a lot of tma fandom stuff just... isnt my cup of tea#i'll take it as an addition to canon but not as a replacement#maybe i should just stop listening to what other people say#but its really difficult to deal with all this negativity about sth that means so much to me#might take a break from tumblr for a while for the sake of my mental health#i feel silly for being so upset about this but it is what it is#sometimes i do wish i had a different brain#anyway sorry for the rant#if you read this far: i love you. have some flowers 🌼🌻🌺🌹🌸🌷💐
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every day I remember that this fandom simply does not care about autistic people and, much like every other fucking thing I experience as an autistic person, the concept of it being a collective found family becomes increasingly alien to me. love this place.
#we really just can’t win I fucking hate it here#like this is my special interest. this is my community. I’ve met so many people through it that ended up becoming lifelong friends#I’ve been here for almost ten years and it’s meant everything to me for ten years. it’s kept me going through so much shit.#it’s more than just a show and more than just a fandom and it’s one of the best things I’ve ever been apart of#and like I didn’t realize I was autistic until like late 2021. I didn’t even realize SPN was my special interest until then either#I didn’t realize JACK was my special interest. but knowing that he is autistic means so much to me#and its meant so much to other autistic ppl in the fandom. somebody at MomentoCon even mentioned it to Alex last weekend for fucks sake .#it’s real and it’s special and it’s important to us but#but no we can’t have that. make him a fucking baby. toss every interesting thing about his character into a fucking volcano#and relegate him to being a fucking prop for everybody else.#I don’t know how else to tell you this but you are literally infantilizing an autistic person. you are being ableist. intentionally or not.#and the way you all seem to just. idk. double down on your own ableism? or excuse it?#or literally ignore autistic ppl who try to point out how ableist and weird your behavior towards an autistic character is?#it’s a lot of things. it’s so many terrible things and terrible feelings. but above all it’s disheartening.#it hurts to know that even in this space where everyone is family and everyone belongs. I’m still on the outside looking in.#I’m still not /really/ a part of everything else. it’s a horrible feeling and I don’t wish anyone to ever go through with it#but maybe you fucking should. maybe then you’d realize what you’re doing. or maybe you won’t. maybe I’m screaming into the void again.#which I literally always am w this topic anyways. nothing but screaming into a vast empty void that’s supposed to be my big special family#but whatever I guess.#spn#supernatural#spn fandom#spn family#spn famdom#jack kline#autistic jack kline#tfw2.0#destiel#sam and dean#castiel
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#DOMT look at this im still documenting my process on being on the fence about possibly getting diagnosed for autism Dont look#just. realizing things#like. i know its fixations on celebrities but sometimes its people i know in person its not that i need to be with them 24/7 i just#i Have to collect information about a particular person at times#Actually. Now that we are on topic of this i remember having that feeling towards smaller internet celebrities on instagram and#smaller youtuberz#and actually going to very great lengths to research as much information on them as possible#plus mimicking their behavior alot. Hm ash i wonder why#DONT LOOOOK#look i used to be like Yea i dont really collect information about things im interested in 👍#and sometimes its awkward when im in a space where autistic ppl r everywhere and tend to show that#they themselves collect lots of information on their interests (yes the mcr fandom)#but. i literally do have a history of this. two times it being internet celebrities/youtubers and once it being on haircare itself.#i remember telling myself i could probably do anyones hair. Anyone. because i know so much about it and the complexities#rn my special interest is makeup of course. but im studying how it can turn into info collecting + on people itself .#idk ldjsjdhdhdhduwodjsofiowdid i know i am hashtag confirmed autistic a year ago but i need a much more deeper understanding of myself ig
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One thing about me is that if your media has a character who wears a neckerchief and continually without hesitation takes on the weight of the world and tries to do everything themselves so that no one else is in danger or has to suffer, I AM going to form a very strong attachment to them.
#Nancy Drew#Merlin#book!nancy 1970’s!nancy HERInteractive!Nancy and CW!Nancy are all extremely dear to me#book nancy also feels very strongly autistic coded to me#she’s very formal and has rules about how to interact with people#she hates when people try to get away with wronging other people#she can play a role really well but when there’s interpersonal stuff going on in the moment she’s very awkward or straight up ignores it#rip Ned lol#mystery solving is like the ultimate special interest#she gets to try to find the truth#she’s always masking around the people she’s investigating and it’s a lot easier to do when there’s a clear separation from like who you are#she gets in trouble a bunch for like not conforming behaviorally#and all her friends know she can’t even think about anything else when there’s a mystery and the love her for it#I love her so much#now with BBC Merlin holy shit it hurts so much to see him slowly destroy himself#he and Morgana have the most painful parallel arcs#anyway Merthur is so important to me and I see myself in both of them so much it’s wild#I generally cannot easily rewatch the show but it really is Colin and Angel and Bradley and Katie’s acting that brings so much life#definitely so grateful for them and also all fanfic writers ever. I love you all so much. thank youuuu
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#feeling so very garbage about myself on this fine day#or rather not me but just. frustrated with my inability to make anyone happy even when im really really really trying#i dont THINK my socials have been dead but maybe they have and i just havent noticed#because i am feeling so incredibly lonely and drained#and honestly just. unloved and unappreciated#i think its probably autistic loneliness because ta/aam act 2 released#which means im back to infodumping in all my servers hoping someone will want to talk about it with me#but knowing its always going to be my most niche special interest and no one is ever going to want to listen to what i have to say abt it#so thats an added loneliness#and then just the heartbreak of#gaining a couple new friends and feeling like we were hitting shit off#only for things to suddenly feel. wrong and bad#plus just a lot of resentment still from the 22nd#my pain over how that whole day played out hasn't gotten any better. i still dont understand what happened.#i feel like every time i open my mouth everyone is laughing at me#i really just need special love and attention right now because i have felt for days like everyone hates me#im trying to be logical and figure out like#if there are holidays im missing or reasons for people to maybe not be around/attentive#but i cant come up with anything#so im trying to figure out what /i/ did#but i don't feel like anything about me has changed besides me being kind of a wreck on the 22nd#and i dont know what to do i just need love an attention so much#and i dont know!!!! where to get it!!!!#reaching out isnt working!!!!!!
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do any other neurodivergent peeps ever feel crushed, for any variety of reasons this may be, by the weight of not even being good or knowledgeable about your hyperfixations or special interests? like, admiring your other friends’ dedication to them and how much they know about them and realizing you couldn’t even perform half as well when asked about your own and feeling extremely lesser for it?
#cog talk#i have severe memory issues (deeper than typical adhd memory loss) and as such i can’t really ever like. TRULY infodump. about anything#i have like a paragraph or two max i can say about any given hyperfixation and/or special interest bc i just don’t remember things#i WISH i could remember trivia about my most beloved games or my favorite subjects but it’s just not within my capacity#and every so often it strikes me how little i’m capable of even when compared to other autistic people and the weight of it crushes me#so uh#how is y’all’s thursday going
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