#Kim seokjin angst
Note
hi! can i pretty please request a bts reaction to when they kick you out of the car during an argument but then when he goes looking for you after coming to his senses, you're nowhere to be found? make it really angsty please i'm in the mood for heartbreak; thank u so much, ily and have a great day ahead!
He can't find you after asking you to leave during an argument ~ BTS Reactions
Genre: Heavy Angst
Warnings: Curse Words, Intense arguments, The reason for the argument in Jungkook's scenarios is quite ambiguous so you can choose any situation that you like.
A/n: Since you've asked for angst ;) also struggled to come up with a scenario for joonie who can't drive, like who'd ask the driver to get out of the car LMAO
Kim Namjoon:
The car had been parked at the side of the highway, your fingers trembling because of how firmly you were gripping the steering wheel.
"What is your problem, Namjoon?" you sighed in defeat. "You've been ignoring me for the past two hours. If you have a problem with me then just tell me. You didn't need to behave as though I was invisible to you in front of everyone. That was embarrassing."
Namjoon sat quietly in the passenger seat, bouncing his leg and looking out of the window at the passing cars.
"Just tell me what's the problem," you pleaded desperately. "Namjoon, talk to me-"
He moved away from you when you reached for his hand, staring back at you through the darkness of the car.
"You," he stated simply. "You're the problem."
"What?" you whispered in shock. "What do you mean?"
"I can't believe you, (Y/n). You-" he clicked his tongue. "You're saying that you were embarrassed? You embarrassed me, (Y/n). How could you have spoken that way to my parents?"
You turned to look away, pained at the words that were falling from his mouth.
"That was so unlike you? You're never this way, and it really surprised me to see the way you were talking with them. Not in a good way, by the way."
You nodded meekly. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize it."
"There's a reason why I've not been speaking to you, (Y/n). It angered me so much because my mum was clearly upset. I didn't want to talk about this until I was calm because I know you'd get upset. I just wanted to be by myself, I'm surprised you didn't get the hint already."
At least the darkness surrounding the two of you hid your tears away from Namjoon.
"Okay, alright. We won't be home for another forty minutes, do you think you could handle being with me until then?"
He sighed deeply, turning to look away from you.
"Could you like, give me some time?"
You breathed out shakily, understanding what he was meaning to say.
"Okay."
Without another word, you opened the door and stepped out, leaving the keys and everything that you had with you back in the car. You understood that Namjoon needed to be alone for a while, and truth be told, you couldn't stand staying in the car anymore.
So with the first breath of fresh air that you took in, you let the tears fall, keeping your head low as you closed the door and walked to the other side of the road next to the bridge.
~
Ten minutes later, Namjoon got off of the phone with his mum. Although she was upset, she explained that after speaking with Namjoon's father who had noticed you being incredibly nervous to be meeting them for the first time, she realized that you speaking casually and oversharing was just because you were afraid.
After giving it some thought, Namjoon understood that it was only natural. He'd seen the way you couldn't sleep the night before because you'd been too scared to meet his parents, and instead of comforting you, he misunderstood your intentions and decided to take his anger out on you.
Maybe he just wanted everything to go smoothly. But at least now he could tell you that his mother didn't take it to heart. So, slipping his phone into his pocket, he opened the door of the car to call for you.
Frowning in confusion, Namjoon looked around for a few seconds in search of you, but he couldn't spot you anywhere. He walked towards the bridge so that he could have a better view, turning his head frantically in almost every direction, hoping that he'd catch sight of you.
"(Y/n)?!"
He immediately reached for his phone to call you, but you didn't answer his phone. He gulped anxiously, suddenly realizing that it was too late for you to be out alone. He walked back to your side of the car to take the keys out and lock the door when he noticed your phone on your seat.
"Shit," he cursed under his breath, grabbing both your phone and the keys before slamming the door shut, turning first to the left and then to the right side of the highway. Which way should he take? You couldn't have gone too far, but he could lose you if he took the wrong way.
"I'm sorry, (Y/n)," he mumbled to himself, deciding to go left because it was in the opposite direction of the car. You could've walked that way so that Namjoon wouldn't notice you. He touched his forehead with fingers that were trembling, his eyes glossing over with tears of fear.
"I'm so sorry, please be safe."
Kim Seokjin:
"I don't understand why you're getting so worked up about this? Like - it's my kitchen too! I can cook what I want and when I want to? Why did you have to go and tell Yoongi to 'drive some sense' into me? What is actually wrong with you?"
"I can't believe you right now," you groaned in frustration.
"I have absolutely no problem with you cooking, Jin! The problem is that you cook like we're cooking for an entire army and then the food goes to waste! You keep saying you're cooking for the boys and then you leave the food back - which you don't even put in the fridge by the way - and then by the time we're both back home from work, the food is spoilt and stinking!"
"Why are you so bothered about it?" He yelled, raising a hand in question.
"Because I pay for the groceries, Jin!"
"Then get your hands off of it! For God's sake," Jin banged his hand on the steering wheel, "I didn't think I'd get married to a mother who never stops nagging! Sometimes I just wish you would shut up!"
"You know what? I will. I thought you'd be mature enough and at least listen to me!"
"(Y/n)," he sighed, clearing his throat and holding a hand up. "Don't give me that shit. I've been listening to you for the past few years. I'm tired of it now, okay? Just... stop. Please, give me a break."
"We're supposed to work through this, Jin."
"Well, I don't want to, okay?" He snapped, turning briefly to glare at you.
"Stop nagging me like a mother!"
"Then stop behaving like a stubborn brat!" You screamed back at him.
Jin's jaw clenched in fury, driving in absolute silence for a few seconds before he reached for the indicator. He stopped the car at the side of the road, unlocking your side of the door and pointing towards it.
"Get out."
"Why should I?"
"Get out of my car, (Y/n). If you think you're so great and mighty, find your own way back home. I can't stand being with you."
"How could you be so insensitive?" You asked him in disbelief, the sun that was streaming in through the window beginning to burn the skin of your arm.
"We're almost home! Just drive back without a fuss, will you?"
"No, I won't. I don't want to be with you right now. Please, just get out."
"Jin," you gasped. "Why are you doing this?"
"Just get out already before I say something that I regret!" He exploded, leaving you dumbfounded. A sudden wave of anger overcame you, opening the door in fury and stepping out.
"Screw you, Jin!"
Slamming the door as hard as you could, you began to walk away from the car, huffing in exasperation and holding a hand over your face to shield yourself from the scorching heat. The roar of the engine behind made you scoff, turning back to see Jin taking off without a second thought.
~
The screech of the tires over the ground of the basement made Jin wince, aggravating the dull headache that he'd been experiencing due to the heat. After parking the car, Jin reached over to take his sunglasses and wallet from the glove compartment, when he noticed a small carton of an ORS in the corner along with a sweet that you had kept in there.
A sudden wave of concern washed over Jin, realizing that you hadn't eaten lunch because of the fight that had taken place and you'd even left the drink and the chocolate back that you'd normally carry with you on a sunny day in case you felt dizzy.
Jin played with his lip, deep in thought. He reached home in 7 minutes, and the walk back home was around twenty minutes from where he'd left you. Without any hesitation, Jin turned the car back on, driving out of the basement of the apartment complex in search of you.
It frustrated him even more that you weren't answering his calls, hoping that you'd decline his call in anger so that he'd at least know that you're okay and were conscious enough to respond that way. But it kept ringing until he reached the automated voice message that said that you were busy.
After driving around for fifteen minutes, Jin gave up and got out of his car to go looking for you on foot, with the ORS and the chocolate in his hand in case he'd find you sitting down in some place due to weakness.
"Shit, (Y/n)," he whispered dreadfully to himself, not knowing how to find you, overcome with worry and regret. Wiping away the sweat on his forehead, he bent forward and gripped his knees, trying to catch his breath.
He hoped you'd be fine. Even if you would be mad at him for the way he spoke to you, he just hoped you'd be safe and alright until he finds you.
"I'm such an idiot."
Min Yoongi:
Yoongi had been sitting alone in his car for the past twenty minutes, silently cursing himself for behaving so horribly with you. His hair was a mess from the number of times he'd pulled at it in frustration, alternating between resting his head on the steering wheel and cringing at himself and then throwing his head back against the seat to yell out in frustration.
"I'm so glad no paparazzi saw us! I don't want to be seen with you! And even if they did, who would ever think I'll date someone like you?"
To top it off, when you had suggested giving him his space, he agreed and asked you to get out of his car. You did, of course. But you didn't leave. He watched you walk away from the car and sit on the pavement of the road, waiting for him to blow off his steam. But he had to - he just had to - drive off, leaving you stranded and alone.
He regretted it not even a minute after he started driving, but his anger didn't let him turn back. So he continued driving until the words that he had spat at your face finally made sense to him.
How could he have said that to you?
Yoongi really hated that quality about himself. He knew people's weaknesses and he also knew when and exactly how to use it against them when he was blinded by anger. But never had he regretted doing what he did more than he did now, sitting alone in his car after driving around the entire evening with no sign of you.
You'd turned your phone off, and he couldn't find you in any of the places that you usually go to. He called the boys and asked them if you'd gone there, but they all said no. He had even made a trip back home in case you chose to go there, but you didn't.
So, with tears in his eyes, he decided to send you a message, knowing that even when you'd turn your phone back on, you wouldn't answer his call. But he needed you to know what he had to say.
(9:46 PM) Yoongi: Darling, I'm so sorry. I've been looking for you everywhere, but I can't find you. Please, at least tell me you're alright. I don't even mind the 'seen' under this message, as long as I know you're safe and you're reading this.
(9:50 PM) Yoongi: I didn't mean what I said, I was just...so angry. I know it's a horrible excuse, but I swear, I was only angry.
(9:51 PM) Yoongi: What you told me this afternoon surprised me so much. Never did I ever expect you to have a history with Namjoon, and the fact that I didn't know about this hurt me even more. It made me insecure, I guess. I don't know. But I really could only think about why you didn't tell me this as soon as we started dating.
(9:55 PM) Yoongi: Please, believe me, I didn't mean a single word that I said. I even hate myself for telling you to get out of the car. That was so low of me. I understand if you're hurt and you want to be away from me, but all I ask of you is to just tell me that you're okay. Please.
(10:01 PM) Yoongi: I want you to know that I love you.
(10:05 PM) Yoongi: Please, come back to me
Yoongi looked up at the night sky, feeling weak and anxious. He regretted speaking the way that he did with you. He wished he could turn back time and simply apologize to you as soon as he had spoken them, even if you would've given him the silent treatment or cursed at him or told him off, at least he'd be relieved that you were safe and in front of him.
Now he had no idea where to go. He needed to get to you, yet he didn't know how.
"I'm so sorry, darling."
Jung Hoseok:
"I don't know, hyung!" Hoseok yelled out, frantic eyes looking around in panic. "She's not here!"
"Just calm down, she couldn't have gone far. Where did you leave her?" Seokjin tried to calm Hoseok down but he too was worried, although he tried not to show it.
Both Jin and Jimin tried to calm Hoseok down a few hours ago when the two of you were fighting over something as small as who'd cook the dinner that night, but it escalated within a matter of seconds and both the boys were flabbergasted when Hoseok started telling you things he shouldn't have.
It was only natural that Hoseok would feel anxious the way he was now, especially after telling Jin over the phone that he had kicked you out of the car on the way back home because you both had gotten into another fight, and now he couldn't find you.
"I stopped near this pharmacy, I thought she'd at least be safe and could catch a cab if she decided to go somewhere, but she's not here and the guy in the store said she walked to the opposite side of the street after buying a bottle of water from here."
"You little shit," Jin cursed Hoseok under his breath. "You could think of her safety but not about her feelings?"
"I do care about her," Hoseok defended himself with a deep frown. "I don't want her to get lost or hurt."
"What about the way you hurt her, Hoba?" Jin questioned him. "What about that?"
Hoseok sighed shakily, his gaze dropping to the floor. "It's all my fault."
"Damn right."
"I need to find her, hyung," Hoseok whispered into the phone. "It's getting late, I don't want her to be alone."
"What's on the opposite side of the street?" Jin asked.
"Uh..." Hoseok squinted, not being able to read the words on the store.
"Shit, I don't have my glasses."
"Hoba, just take a breath, okay? If you're not in the right state of mind, you'll not be able to find her. Just take a breath and think of where she could go."
"What if something's happened? She tried calling me after I left but I declined the call. What if she needed me?"
Jin fell silent on the other end of the phone. He looked over at Jimin helplessly who'd been listening to the conversation with a frown on his face. Jimin shrugged, not really knowing what to do.
"Wait there for a while and keep trying to call her. Jimin and I are coming, we'll look for her together."
Hoseok nodded wearily.
"Okay, hyung."
Sitting on his haunches, Hoseok gently wiped at the sweat that was forming over his upper lip, sighing sorrowfully and shaking his head in regret.
"You're talking as if I don't do anything in the house, (Y/n)! I pay the bills and I get you things that you like in the house - that are not cheap by the way! I wash the dishes after you cook dinner and make the kitchen into a literal war zone. And now you're telling me that I sit and do nothing?"
"That's because-"
"No. No, you're wrong. I work much harder than you, my job is physically demanding and you don't seem to even bother about how tired I get! You don't even work as much as I do so the least you could do is cook us a meal without making it into a big deal! Why are you being so ungrateful?"
Hoseok groaned, tugging forcefully at his hair and letting out a tiny yell into the distance. Would he ever be able to make it up to you? He wasn't too sure, but finding you was what he needed to do first.
Park Jimin:
"You're not getting it, (Y/n)," Jimin shook his head adamantly. "I can't do that and you know it."
"You've been missing so many events and you get away with the excuse of your work, Jimin. Can't you just make it this time? I'm not even asking you for my sake, it's for your own daughter's annual day at school, Jimin. She'd feel so proud to see you in the audience."
"Look, I get what you're saying..." Jimin pursed his lips in concentration when he had to take a turn onto the highway. Looking around distractedly, Jimin scratched his eyebrow before looking at you.
"Uh... what was I saying?"
"You're not even serious about this," you rolled your eyes.
"My train of thought broke, (Y/n)," Jimin sighed. "You can't blame me for trying not to get us into an accident."
"I never said that at all."
"You didn't need to."
"Jimin, I- ugh," you groaned out loud, slapping your thighs in frustration. "You always do this! You always tell me you can't make it and I'm left to play the bad cop and break the news to our daughter that her father can't make it to someplace she wants him to be at the most!"
"You don't even understand this, do you?" He turned to look at you.
"Do you even understand that I am a part of a band? That if I don't be present during a show, how big of a deal it would be? It's not just me but my managers and staff - including the members - would have to make up an excuse for my absence. It's not just a few kid's parents who would wonder where my child's father is, it will be the whole world questioning me, (Y/n)."
"Right," you nodded, turning to look outside the window. "As if being present in your daughter's life is not big enough of a reason."
"I am present," his voice rose slightly. "What are you trying to say?"
"So you really haven't been listening to what I've been trying to say."
"Can you stop telling me I've not been listening? I am, but I'm not getting your point because it makes no sense!"
"Arguing with you is pointless, Jimin."
"Then why do you even start speaking?"
"Because, Jimin!" You threw your hands up into the air, looking across at him incredulously.
"How are you not even understanding what I'm trying to say? I just want you to come for your own daughter's annual day and not some random stranger and you can't even do that! Why should I always be the one to tell her that you can't come? Why do I always have to hear her tell me how much she hates me because she's upset you're not there?!"
"You're overreacting," Jimin scoffed. "Okay, fine, I'll tell her this time, alright? Are you happy now? Is that what you wanted?"
"For fuck's sake." You closed your eyes, shaking your head at how difficult Jimin was being.
"There's no need to curse, (Y/n). Stop behaving that way."
"I can't stand you, Jimin," you muttered under your breath.
Jimin looked at you for a moment, feeling hurt by your words. Nodding to himself, he stopped the car by the side of the road, pointing out and gesturing for you to step out of the car.
"Go ahead and get to your friend's place by yourself. If you can't stand me then there's no need for me to drive you there. Go."
"Jimin, what are-"
"Get going, (Y/n)."
You stared at him, feeling cornered under his burning gaze, nodding and deciding that you didn't have any more energy to argue with him. You took your bag and opened the door, slamming it shut and walking away without turning back.
~
"Thank you so much for this," Jimin whispered in a rush, placing his daughter who had fallen asleep on your friend's couch.
"No worries, should I come to help you look for (Y/n)?"
"No, no," he shook his head, sighing shakily and glancing down at his daughter. "Just stay with her until we come to get her back. Thank you once again."
"Anytime, Jimin. I hope you find her soon."
He nodded, walking out of the door. "Yeah, me too."
Jimin had given you a call as soon as he picked his daughter up from school, but you didn't answer, so he'd let it be thinking you were upset with him. But then your friend rang him up asking him why you hadn't reached her place yet, and that's when Jimin got worried.
He did leave you in the middle of the road, and he took it for granted that you'd be fine and safe as soon as he left. But now it had been five hours with no sign of you, while your phone was out of reach for the last two.
To say that Jimin was afraid would be an understatement. The look on his daughter's face when she had fallen asleep had made him feel incredibly emotional, and the fact that he didn't know where you were and if you were fine drove him crazy.
So with one last look at the window behind which his baby was sleeping, Jimin walked back to his car, wiping away the first tear that fell from his eyes.
"Please be safe, (Y/n). Wherever you are, I hope you're safe."
Kim Taehyung:
"How could you make this big of a decision without telling me, (Y/n)?" Taehyung yelled across at you who were equally frustrated.
"Taehyung, this is my life. If I decided to buy that house, then you shouldn't be questioning me. And I've been working hard every year and it's not like I've not told you I won't be buying up a place. This has been my plan all along."
Taehyung looked at you in disbelief. "Your life?"
"Yes, Taehyung."
"So I'm nothing to you?" He turned back to the road, his jaw clenching.
"Don't put words in my mouth. I never said that."
"It goes unsaid, (Y/n)!" He exclaimed, exasperated.
"This situation would only be normal if I was nothing to you! How could you even make such a huge decision without me knowing?"
"It's not like I'm moving right away," you replied, shaking your head at him. His eyes widened comically, raising a hand up in question.
"That's... not even the point? Whether you're moving in three hours or three months, the problem is that you bought a house without me knowing. And it's not even in the state, for heaven's sake! Did you not think about us when you bought the house?"
"It was a great deal, Taehyung," you sighed. "I wouldn't have found a flat at a cheaper rate if I had waited longer."
"So you're fine with us doing long distance? With the kind of work both you and I have? You'll move out of our place?" He inquired urgently.
"Why are you thinking so much? We have a lot of time to sort all of this out."
"I can't help but wonder, (Y/n)," his voice cracked, looking into your eyes with tears glistening in his own. "I don't want us to break up, and I can't help but feel like you don't feel the same anymore."
"That's not true," you disagreed, avoiding his eye. "But just like how you've made your life and lived your dreams, I want to do that too, Taehyung. I want to live...too."
"When did I ever stop you?" Taehyung asked you.
"What do you think you're doing right now?" You questioned with a raised eyebrow.
He fell silent, eyes trembling and looking straight at the road in front of him.
"You think I'm stopping you from living your dream?" He whispered dreadfully. "Is that why you didn't tell me about this?"
You looked away.
Taehyung breathed in sharply, feeling threatened and hurt. Pulling the car over at the side of the road, Taehyung got out of the car and walked to your side of the car. Opening the door, he wordlessly unbuckled your seatbelt and tugged at your hand until you were standing up.
"Go."
"Where?" You whispered.
"Go live your dreams. Do what you want. If I'm stopping you in any way, I'm not the right person for you. I'd rather be alone than be a person you can't even share this big achievement of your life with, (Y/n)."
"Taehyung..."
"No. I can't believe I've made you keep something this big away from me, only because you feel like I will stop you. You're free to go do what you need to do."
You caught his hand for a moment but he slipped it out of your grip with a shake of his head.
"Just...go."
~
"(Y/n)... I don't know where you've gone, but please, call me back, please. I'm sorry, okay? I won't stop you from doing anything, I promise. I just want to know where you are, and if you're safe. Let me see you once, please. Just...call me back. I love you."
Taehyung sat on the swing after looking for you for the past four hours, not knowing what went wrong. He thought you would've gone back to your parent's house, but you didn't. He called all of your friends and his but neither of them had seen you. Taehyung even went to the extent of walking to every shop that you usually buy things from, but everyone told Taehyung that you hadn't come by today.
To say Taehyung was not afraid would be a big lie. He feared that you had left the state to the house you had recently bought, and the fact that you weren't answering your phone made his heart race in regret. He couldn't bear to let you leave just like that. Not without seeing you, not without holding you and telling you just how much he loves you.
Wiping away his tears, his eyes kept running over the digits under your name on his phone, desperately hoping that you'd call him back. he just needed to know that you were alright.
"I'm so sorry, (Y/n)."
Jeon Jungkook:
"Jungkook, don't do that!" Namjoon gasped from the backseat of the car, reaching over to catch Jungkook's collar before he could get out of the car, but Jungkook was faster.
He sprinted across to the passenger side of the car, opening your door and pulling you out of the car.
"Just... go."
"Jungkook-" Namjoon got out of the car as well. "Just calm down for a second, will you?"
"I cannot stand her anymore, hyung!" Jungkook exploded. "I've had enough!"
"It's okay, Namjoon," you nodded assuringly in Namjoon's direction. "I understand."
"No," he shook his head, grabbing Jungkook by the arm who was fuming with anger.
"Get your act straight, boy. Right this instant!"
"Hyung, please don't ask me to stop. I cannot. I just cannot anymore!" He finished with a yell in your direction.
The cars in the distance were a mere blur, the three of you rendered silent with heavy puffs of breath escaping Jungkook's mouth. He continued to shoot you cold glares which you kept avoiding in guilt.
"You've crossed every fucking line this time, (Y/n)!" Jungkook screamed, reaching you in a single step and shoving an accusing finger in your face.
Namjoon walked closer to the two of you, squeezing his way in between you and Jungkook and holding a hand up against Jungkook's chest.
"Back off, Jungkook."
"She needs to back off," Jungkook's eyes never left yours. "She needs to back the fuck out of my life. I'm done with her."
"Jungkook!"
"It's alright, Namjoon," you simply pulled at his t-shirt. "I don't blame him"
"Get in the car, hyung," Jungkook seethed. "Please! Don't treat me like a child this time. Let me handle this."
"Not if you're not handling it properly."
"It's okay, Namjoon," you murmured, pushing him out of the way. He looked down at you desperately. "It's alright."
"You sure?"
"Mhm," you nodded, hoping to keep up your strong front until he went back in. "I'll be fine."
"Right," Jungkook scoffed lightly. Namjoon looked conflicted, but he touched your arm tenderly before nodding.
"I'm only a call away."
A soft smile tugged at the corners of your mouth. "I know."
And just like that, Jungkook had Namjoon in the car within a few seconds, the tires screeching over the road before the car took off, leaving you in a place you had no idea how to get out of.
~
"You're a fucking jerk," Namjoon cursed at Jungkook, who sat quietly after they'd parked the car outside of the company building. "She was being honest with you and that's how you treat her? Do you have any idea how difficult it must have been to open up to you?"
"Being honest at what cost, hyung? I'd rather have had her not tell me this at all!"
"Don't you think that she might've not been able to keep it from you any longer? That maybe she trusts you enough to let you in on something that has been draining her with guilt and instead of comforting her, you kicked her out of your fucking car!"
Jungkook bit his lip, knowing that Namjoon was right somewhere down the line. Maybe he did overreact, but in his defense, even Jungkook needed some time to accept the weight of your admission.
"Should we look for her?"
"It's about time you came to your senses, boy."
~
Three hours in and never in his wildest dreams did Namjoon think he'd have to handle a devastated boy who just wouldn't stop bawling on the pavement of the road. They'd been looking all over, but to much dismay, neither of them could find you.
Three hours was also enough for Jungkook to finally realize the depth of the words that he had so easily spat at your face in a moment of anger, and there was no other word that could describe the fear that he felt in those moments.
"Hyung," Jungkook sobbed, grabbing his own knees pitifully. "Get her back to me, please!"
Namjoon sighed wearily, running a hand across the skin of his forehead and wiping away his sweat.
"I don't know where she could've gone, Jungkook."
"Oh god, no!" He wept, shaking his head frantically. "I need to tell her that I didn't mean anything that I said!"
"She'll be fine. Just wait for a while, Jungkook. Maybe she needs some time to clear her head."
"Fuck," Jungkook cursed in regret. "I'm such a jerk."
"Control yourself, Jungkook," Namjoon winced when Jungkook slapped himself across the face. "Stop that!"
"I need to see her! I need to tell her that I'm sorry, hyung! Help me!"
With tears pricking his own eyes, Namjoon turned away and ran a hand through his messy hair.
"She'll come back when she's ready, Jungkook."
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Forever | ksj
☆summary: three years ago, your relationship with jin ended in fights and tears. When life puts him back on your path, you catch a glimpse of light in his eyes that you thought had died when you broke up. Will your relationship blossom into a well-deserved forever or will you lose the love of your life again?
☆pairing: Kim Seokjin x female reader
☆rating: 18+
☆genre: ex-fiancés to lovers, idol!au, angst, smut, fluff
☆warnings: alcohol consumption, oc and jin fight a lot and don’t talk enough, oc is a little mean to jin and jin is a patient angel, cursing, inaccurate cooking terms, oc gets wounded on a nail, a bunch of nostalgia and regrets. explicit content: choking kink, grinding, a little bit of tits play, fingering, oral sex (female receiving), a little bit of dirty talking, dom!jin, big dick!jin, protected sex
☆word count: 25.2k words
☆a/n: here is the jin fic! I hope you will love itttt, it was really fun to write even though it’s sad. I love nostalgia and I hope I was able to write it well. Thank you to my beautiful beta reader @moonleeai for helping with this story once again. You are the best and I am so blessed to have you <3
☆a/n pt2: enjoy reading babies!!
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Prologue – three years ago
It was a rainy night with lightning cutting through the sky and thunder rumbling through your chest. You had been waiting for your boyfriend for a while, enjoying the light of a candle and the warmth of your bath. A wine glass rested on the side of the tub, emptied a while ago by your avid drinking.
Jin had been supposed to come home three hours ago, for a most needed date night, and he still hadn’t shown up. It was frequent lately, his absence without a single word. You could hardly blame him – with the pandemic and you moving in together, you had been spending a lot of time together. Too much, maybe, and casual conversations had slowly started to fall into arguments, and arguments had slowly inched into fights.
It didn’t matter. You had stopped caring a while ago. Maintaining a relationship that wanted to dwindle to nothingness was becoming too hard. Especially with the impossibility of work, as lockdown was still in full sprint.
You focused on the drama on the screen above the tub, moving your legs a little. Bubbles floated around, and you played with them mindlessly, eyes following the action.
The drama you were watching… it was bittersweet. It reminded you of better times between you and Jin, when he had not even debuted yet and you spent all your time together. From the moment you had met, you had been inseparable, your young relationship blossoming into a beautiful flower, petals rich with affection and passion and love.
Until a worldwide pandemic had to come around and put the first nail in the coffin. Deciding to move in together had been the second nail. And maybe, even before all of that, the ring on your finger had been the third one. First one, or whatever.
Your eyes fell to the engagement ring, and you recalled the day he had proposed to you. It had been sweet with just you and your family, and for a moment you had seen forever in his eyes. In truth, you had seen forever in his eyes from the moment you had met him.
Until that dreaded pandemic.
You regretted a lot of things in the last few months. As if everything had come crashing down at the same time. Yet, you had both decided to try to save your relationship, in an effort to not lose the love that you had thought would last forever.
It was Jin’s first time bailing on you. You didn’t blame him – you had gotten in a fight this morning, one of the worst so far, with you both saying you should have never moved in together. Or at least not during the pandemic, where you were forced to spend a lot of time together.
Too much time, perhaps, for the independent souls that inhabited your bodies.
You sighed, eyes moving to the empty glass of wine. The wine bottle was on the counter, far enough for you to dread having to make your way to it. Yet, you pushed yourself up, stepping out of the tub, tiptoeing towards the precious bottle until you had it secured in your hands.
You were halfway back to the tub when the front door opened, and you stopped in your tracks, dripping water on the floor. Goosebumps formed on your skin every second you spent away from the heat of your bath, and you listened to Jin moving in the apartment. From the sounds of it, he had moved to the kitchen, but it was hard to tell over the conversation playing on the television on the wall.
You put the wine bottle back on the counter, heading to the bathrobe you always left hung up on the back of the bathroom door. You wrapped yourself in it, before stepping out of the sauna you had turned the bathroom in, heading towards the kitchen.
Jin had his back turned to you, when you walked in, broad shoulders drooping forward as he was looking through the wine cellar. He looked defeated, but you knew it was a lie.
He always looked defeated before you started fighting.
“What took you so long?” you asked.
He tensed, before turning to look at you. You had long stopped caring about looking good for him, and you knew you probably looked half-dead right now. His eyes skimmed over you, barely even stopping on the naked legs he used to worship, before meeting your gaze.
“Are you drinking the Syrah we were supposed to share tonight?” he enquired, his voice meeting the low-lying anger in yours.
You crossed your arms on your chest, a frown moving on your features. “Date night started three hours ago, I got bored waiting for you.”
“You didn’t have to drink the wine.” He put one hand in his pocket, and you scanned the ruffled button-up shirt he was wearing.
A question took shape in your mind, and you hated the doubt that seeped into your heart.
“Where were you anyway?”
“None of your business”, he replied, and he turned away from you, as he started walking away.
You scoffed. “What the fuck do you mean? Where were you?”
He shrugged, as he walked the way towards the bedroom. You followed him in, as he started unbuttoning his shirt.
You grabbed his arm, to make him face you. “Why don’t you tell me?”
“I was with the boys”, he replied.
Your brows knit together. “Pandemic, hello?”
He rolled his eyes before shrugging your hand off. It clenched in a fist, with your nails digging into your palm.
“We were each in our own studio, hanging out online.”
You gritted your teeth. “You stood me up for an online chilling?”
He shrugged again, mouth pouting a little. “What do you want me to tell you? I didn’t feel like seeing you after this morning.”
The screams echoed in your mind, the way they had been echoing on the walls since this morning. Haunting you, giving you a glimpse of a finality you had thought would never come.
“Then maybe you should have stayed at the studio.”
You didn’t mean the words, but it was too easy to rile you up lately. Too easy to make anger flare up in your chest, until it was all you could feel.
Maybe if you could cook in the kitchen of your restaurant, away from him for a time, it’d help. But you couldn’t, and yet he always gave himself the right to go places. Because he was Kim Seokjin, and it seemed a global pandemic didn’t have the same impact on his life that it did on yours. Because even if he couldn’t do concerts or fan events like he usually did, they still found ways to make him work.
“Do you want me to leave?” he asked. “Cause I can go and stay with Yoongi if need be.”
You sighed loudly, trying to calm down. “Listen, Jin, no I don’t want you to leave. But you need to stop pretending as if our relationship comes last in your life.”
He chuckled dryly before saying, “Just let me be.” He met your gaze, and his eyes meant nothing good. “You’re always on my fucking back, it’s getting tiring.”
“Well maybe if you helped a little more with cleaning I wouldn’t be on your back!”
The perks of having an unresolved fight were that it always came back, sooner or later.
“You’re too obsessed with cleaning, not everything needs to be spotless all the time.”
“If we don’t do it every day then it starts accumulating and we’ll never see the end.”
He shook his head, before moving away from you. “It’s not like we’re two pigs, we don’t dirty the place every day.”
“Whatever”, you shrugged off. “I just want some help, is that too much to ask?”
“I’m tired, Y/n.”
You watched him sit on the edge of the bed, and only then realized that there was no fire in his eyes. No spiel of words falling from his mouth, like it usually happened when he got angry. He did look tired, as if all the fight had gone out of him.
And maybe it had, after this morning. After last Sunday and the Thursday before that. In all truth, you couldn’t really remember the last time your relationship had been sunshine and rainbows. It had only been thunderstorms and hurricanes for a while now.
More than a while.
“So am I, that’s why I’d like a little help”, you said, but it sounded like a question. It was condescending, maybe, and it was a mistake.
“I think I’m going to move back with Jimin and the others.”
His words hung heavily in the air, echoed by a thunderclap that rumbled through the building, making it shake under your feet.
“What?” you let out.
“I’m going to move back in with the boys.”
A single drop of cold sweat formed on your temple.
And you watched him, as he finished taking off his button-up shirt, before putting on a sweatshirt. It was a weird look, with his dress pants, but he looked good.
He always looked good. It almost distracted you from the anger, as shock started meshing with it, until every beat of your heart ached painfully.
He grabbed his leather travel bag, the one you had given him on his birthday after their debut, and you stood there in silence as he started packing his clothes. He avoided your gaze, pretended that you weren’t there, and every single one of his moves broke your heart a little more.
Maybe there had still been love in you, even with all the frustration.
“I…” he let out, as he finished packing the bag.
You still hadn’t moved, and all your stupid brain could do was count the seconds between the flash of lightning outside, and the rumble of thunder that followed.
He straightened, finally meeting your gaze. “I think we need some time away from each other.”
It was panic, rising in you now. Washing away every other emotion, until you could taste bile in your mouth. “Don’t leave.”
He shut his eyes, and his next words looked like they pained him. Like they had stuck a dagger into his chest, just as they stabbed into your own beating heart. “I have made my decision already.”
“You’re breaking up with me?”
His eyelids fluttered open, and he shrugged. “No. Unless that’s what you want.”
“I don’t want you to leave”, you said. Begged even, something you had never really done before.
Maybe because you had never thought Jin would leave.
“It doesn’t matter.” It was said gently, yet it filled you with so much hatred.
At you and him, for losing a relationship that could have been forever.
“It doesn’t matter?” you let out, and you scoffed. “We’ve been together for almost ten years and you tell me it doesn’t matter?” It was hysteric, the way you spoke.
He just grabbed his bag, before walking around you so he could reach the door of the bedroom. You wanted to stop him, but all you could do was follow him out into the hallway.
“Jin.”
He didn’t stop, and your blood turned to ice as he got closer to the front door.
“Jin”, you said again, and you stumbled on your feet as you tried to grab his arm, but your fingers only met cold air.
He put on his shoes, not once glancing at you. You were shaking, where you stood, digits trembling as the panic settled into you fully.
“You can’t leave like that”, you said.
“We just need some time alone”, he said. He was trying to reassure you, but the absence of physical contact, of his usually warm hands on you… It destroyed you.
“Kim Seokjin, you are not going to leave me.” Your vision blurred as tears welled up in your eyes.
Yet he didn’t say anything, only turning towards the door. His hand had closed around the doorknob when he finally glanced at you.
He looked apologetic yet determined. As if he knew that ripping the band-aid quickly would be better, easier for you.
“I’ll talk to you soon”, he promised, and you noticed a tear rolling on his cheek.
It felt out of place, as he was the one choosing to leave, and you wanted to punch him for it. But your heart ached too much for you to do anything other than beg. Beg for the love of your life not to step out of the apartment that was yours.
“If you go out this door –” you trailed off, and your voice shook. Shook with the panic and the pain and everything in between. “Don’t you fucking come back if you go out this door.”
He offered you a small smile then, as more tears rolled on his cheeks. “Goodbye, Y/n.”
*****
Present day
The kitchen was hot with the heat from all the ovens, smoke lingering in the air as your sous-chefs produced the meals you asked them to, with you supervising the whole thing. Different aromas mixed together as they met your nose – gochujang, halibut, a hint of matcha, along with the warm smell of the pastries that were currently baking in the oven. Steaks were being grilled somewhere at the back of the kitchen, and their nidor slowly overpowered the other smells.
You made your way to the grills, a foreboding sensation forming in the pit of your stomach.
“Who let those burn?” you screamed, twirling around to catch a glance of the cooking assistant that was in charge of grilling.
You met his widened gaze, and he cowered under your stare, seemingly wishing to disappear through the floor. You shook your head slowly, trying to keep your anger at bay.
Even though you had a reputation to maintain, you always tried to stay calm in the kitchen. Your mother had raised you with the belief that screaming at people led to nothing but misunderstandings, and you put her beliefs into practice religiously. Even in your field, where a single faux pas could lead you to losing your restaurant.
The field of fine cuisine was a cruel one, especially for a woman. More so for a woman in her late twenties, who had gotten her success because –
You stopped your train of thought. You had attained such unprecedented success thanks to your ability in the kitchen. Not because of anyone else.
You put the burnt steaks aside, quickly grabbing some new ones before putting them on the grill, telling your sous-chef to focus on them and them only. Especially considering the person that had ordered those steaks.
You hadn’t seen Namjoon in a long time. Longer than the last time you had seen Jin. Yet you had always been close to Namjoon, sort of, and when he had texted you asking if he could reserve a private room in your restaurant for a date, you had immediately said yes.
You hadn’t yet gone to greet him, dreading the moment you’d see him. As if acknowledging that he and the rest of the boys still lived when your relationship with Seokjin had died was too dreadful for you. And maybe it was.
The night Jin had left had been the last time you had seen him in person. You had walked out into the thunderstorm hoping to stop him, but it had been too late. And it seemed he had taken your words seriously because he only had come back once when you were gone to collect his belongings, leaving you a note saying that it was over.
It hurt bitterly to read the note. It wasn’t just a note – it was a full-length letter, with him explaining where you went wrong and how he hoped you’d find happiness. Your tears had stained the page more than once, as you had realized how final the whole thing was.
As if you had finished the last dessert and only the aftertaste was left. And it wasn’t a good aftertaste. Heartbreak – it tasted vile and felt just as bad. A little worse maybe. Two years later, you still hadn’t really gotten better. All you could do was focus on your restaurant and truly, maybe that was the only thing that there was to do after losing the love of your life.
It was ironic that you still thought so now that Jin had left you. You had never thought the love of your life was going to leave, to disappear into the night… and yet he had. The hardest part in it all was that you couldn’t really remember your last kiss, or the last time he had held you in his sleep. Because back then you hadn’t thought you needed to commit the moment to memory, and it had dwindled into oblivion in the weeks following the break-up.
You shook the thoughts away. Now was not the time to reminisce about the past. Not when the kitchen was busier than ever. So you focused on that instead, getting lost in the aromas and the presentation of the dishes you made, all the while thinking about alterations you could make to the recipes so that they would be better.
There was always room for improvement in your cooking. Maybe there should have been room for improvement in other areas of your life too, but the past was in the past.
“Everything is ready for table seventeen!” someone yelled by the door.
It drew your attention, and you quickly made your way to the waitress. “Is that Kim Namjoon’s table?”
“Yes, ma’am.” The waitress nodded, a slight blush creeping on her cheeks.
You smiled at her, before grabbing the two plates. “I’ll take care of it.”
The waitress looked disappointed, but she said nothing as you walked around her, heading out of the kitchen. The reprieve from the heat was a relief, once you stepped out in the cool hallway, and you sighed as you made your way to the room where Namjoon was.
You had told him you’d speak to him when you got the chance, and you didn’t feel like waiting at the end of the night: you’d have no excuse to go back to your kitchen if you got uncomfortable then. And really, you didn’t think you would be. Namjoon had always been a friend, even though he was a couple of years younger. He had always made you feel at home when you visited Jin at the dorm.
In truth, all of the members had made you feel at home. And you had spent a lot of time with them, in all the years you and Jin had dated. You had seen Jungkook grow up and had taught Yoongi how to cook some stuff. Had comforted Taehyung the first time he had gotten his heart broken and had been there for Hoseok when nobody had sent him fan mail at the beginning. You had been part of the BTS family, sort of.
Until that dreaded pandemic.
You pushed the thoughts aside once more, as you turned into another hallway, where all the private rooms were. It took you a few more seconds and then you walked into Namjoon’s room.
The first thing you noticed was the girl sitting in front of him. She was everything you knew Namjoon liked – small, cute and delicate, with big eyes that shone with intelligence and a pink tint to her cheeks. Namjoon had that same flush on his cheeks, and when his eyes slid to you they widened with recognition.
“Y/n!” he greeted you. “This is the friend I told you about.” He said that second sentence looking at his date, who threw you a curious look.
Had she not been there, you would have probably hugged Namjoon and told him how much you missed him, but you refrained doing so, not really wanting to make the girl uncomfortable.
“Nice to meet you”, you greeted her as you put the plates on the table.
She replied, with a shy voice that had you hold in a knowing smile. She definitely was Namjoon’s type. In another world, you would have known everything about that girl, about how she and Namjoon had met. In another world, you would have probably become friends, the same way you had become friends with Sena when Jungkook had started dating her.
You didn’t even know if Jungkook and Sena were still together, but you wished it for him. Jungkook had a fragile heart, and he deserved all the love in the world.
“How have you been doing?” Namjoon asked after you explained the meal to them.
You froze for half a second. “Good. Great. The restaurant has been doing better than ever.”
He had a knowing look in his eyes, when you met his gaze, and you wished you could disappear. Because you knew he didn’t mean work…
But work was all there was to your life now.
“How has…” you trailed off. Because you didn’t know why you wanted to ask, you weren’t sure you wanted to know anything about Jin. Yet, in some deep dark corners of your heart you wanted to make sure he was doing okay. That he wasn’t broken, and that he had allowed himself to move on.
Namjoon knew what you were asking without you having to say the words. He pursed his lips, shrugging his shoulders. “He’s been okay. Has been better, but he’s managing.”
You nodded your head slowly, ignoring the curious look Namjoon’s date threw your way.
“He…” Namjoon trailed off, meeting the girl’s gaze once before looking back at you. “He wanted me to say hi to you for him.”
You clenched your teeth, as your heart constricted in your chest. “Oh.”
The atmosphere filled with awkwardness, and you rocked back and forth on your heels, hands fiddling with each other in the air in front of you.
“Tell him I say hi too”, you finally said, as Namjoon smiled an apologetic smile.
“Of course!” His smile melted into a true one. “All the members say hi too.”
That pushed Jin aside, in your mind and in your heart, as endearment warmed up your blood. “I haven’t seen you all in so long.”
Namjoon chuckled, nodding. “Hobi mentioned he invited you to the party for the release of his album last summer.”
That was true. He had invited you, but you had found yourself unable to go. Not only because Jin was going to be there, but mostly because you had a busy event at work, a night you couldn’t really miss. So, you hadn’t gone to the party, though you had called Hoseok in the following days to tell him that you were proud of him and that his album had exceeded your expectations. And your expectations had been high, but Hoseok was the kind of man to always exceed expectations. A professional through and through, both in music producing and dancing.
“Yeah, I was stuck here”, you admitted, as silence stretched between you. “I wish I could have gone.”
“Everyone would have been happy to see you.”
You smiled, nodding your head. “How has Yoongi been doing?”
That question was an easier one, even though the reason behind it was heavier. Yoongi had always had troubles with mental health and you had long been the one he confided in, along with Hoseok. Though he hadn’t talked to you after the break-up, but then again none had, except Namjoon.
After all, they were Jin’s brothers, not yours. Some part of you had hoped they’d keep contact, but at the same time you were happy they had chosen to stick by Jin’s side. God knew Jin needed his brothers.
“Yoongi’s been doing great”, Namjoon replied. “He’s been keeping himself very busy.”
“As all of you have, I can imagine”, you said. You swallowed a sudden lump as nostalgia hit you.
Namjoon chuckled, nodding his head. His eyes slid to his date, and she blushed as their gaze met. You took that as a cue to leave, and you bowed to them, wishing Namjoon goodbye before walking away, turning your back on the only connection you had to your past.
The rest of the evening went by quicker than one could expect, even as a group came in an hour late to their reservation. You would have turned them around had you not needed to escape in cooking for a little longer, especially after seeing Namjoon.
Once the restaurant finally closed, the last of the guests sauntering off in the night air, you found yourself leaning on a counter in the kitchen, watching the two last assistants that had lingered around to help with the cleaning. Another one was taking inventory to make sure you’d get what you needed for the next day, but she was out of sight for now, lost somewhere in the cold room where you kept most of the food.
You helped the assistants for a moment, ignoring the side-eyed glances they threw your way. You wondered if they could read your emotions on your face. If they could see the nostalgia and the grief that was engraved deep in your heart, that had been carved there by the man you had loved more than you had loved anything else in this world.
Except maybe your restaurant, which, most of all, was probably the reason why you didn’t feel like going home tonight. Going home to an empty and cold apartment, a new space you had never really found the will to decorate, not wanting it to look like the home you had built with Jin. Not wishing to buy new decorations and make it look different either.
You were aware that you were stuck in the past. It wasn’t always so bad – most of the time, Jin was but a lingering thought at the back of your mind and buried deep down in your heart. But tonight, every breath you took smelled like the ghost of him, and the afterimage of the light on your retina was painted in his silhouette.
You hated nostalgia. It was a suffocating feeling, one that made you grieve for a life that could have been had you not let him go in a fit of rage. Had you not been too much of a coward to follow him faster in the night and beg him to stay. Though you were quite sure begging would have made it worse.
At the end of the day, life had happened the way it had been meant to happen. No matter how sour it was, how bitter it felt, you and Jin had always been meant to part ways.
You shook the thoughts away as you made your way home, somewhere between midnight and one in the morning. You took your time, eyes sliding up to the veil of clouds covering the sky once in a while, hoping to catch a glimpse of the moon. Though it lit up the clouds whenever the veil thinned, the moon stayed stubbornly hidden, as if she also was too busy grieving the loss of her love to dare show her face to you.
You chuckled at your drama-filled thoughts as you finally reached home, stopping downstairs to grab the mail before going up. Your apartment complex wasn’t luxurious like the one you had shared with Jin, but it was still fancy enough to have an elevator. You went through the mail as the elevator moved up to your floor.
Your eyes fell on a letter amongst the ads that had been left in your mail, and your brows knit together. You hadn’t gotten a handwritten letter in forever. Actually, you were pretty sure you had never gotten a handwritten letter through the mail before.
You got out of the elevator as you read what was written on the envelope, only then realizing it was from one of your friends back in your hometown, in the suburbs of Seoul. It was the same city where Jin had grown up, though you had only met after you both graduated from high school, when Jin had become a trainee.
You shook him away from your thoughts, focusing on the envelope as you tore it open, only to be greeted with an invitation for a baby shower. Nari and her husband had always liked the western culture, and you weren’t surprised they decided to hold a baby shower. What you were surprised with was that Nari had slid a smaller piece of paper in the envelope, and it fell to the ground slowly.
You cursed under your breath, bending down to pick it up before resuming your walk to your door. You managed to punch in the passcode to your apartment, opening the door with one elbow before walking in and pushing it shut behind you.
The cool darkness of your home welcomed you, and you kicked your shoes off before putting slippers on and walking into the living room. You put the ads and letter down on the coffee table before walking to the wall, where you flicked a switch on. The room came alight with the soft glow of a lamp, and you walked back to the coffee table to grab the letter before sitting on the couch.
You read Nari’s words a couple of times, your tired mind unwilling to let them make sense to you. It was on your fourth read that you realized she was telling you Jin had received the same invitation, and that she wouldn’t be angry at you if you chose not to go.
Your heart beat loud, in your chest, as you read the words again and you realized the path that had moved away from Jin could bring you close to him once more, if he chose to attend the event. If he chose to come, even if Nari and her husband Joonwoong had always been closer to you than to him. Or so you thought. Though Joonwoong and Jin had always gotten along well, gaming together on more than one occasion. It had happened a lot during the pandemic. It also caused a small fight between you and Joonwoong. Indeed, you had blamed him for taking all of Jin’s time as you had vented to Nari, and Nari had told her husband. Fortunately, the fight was long resolved, and you weren’t surprised he and Jin were still friends.
You took a deep breath, eyes sliding to the television on the wall in front of you. You weren’t quite sure you were willing to go to the baby shower. Didn’t know if seeing Jin again would be a good idea, especially after how hard the nostalgia was hitting tonight.
The thought made a laugh bubble in your chest. It was strange, that the letter had come exactly as your thoughts had been filled with Jin, in a way they hadn’t for a long time. In a couple of months, even, as the time apart erased him from your mind better than anything else could have.
You leaned against the couch, looking down at the letter where it rested on your thighs, a little crinkled by the grip of your hands on it. You loosened your grip, flattening the paper before sighing.
You would decide if you were to go tomorrow after a good night of sleep. Or whatever sleep would find you tonight, as your heart danced to a rhythm you thought it had forgotten the moment you had seen Jin leave, all those years ago.
You hated yourself, for missing him like that tonight. For missing the rest of the boys, missing the friendship you had shared with them before the fall. Though if you were honest to yourself, seeing Namjoon had been reassuring, in some sort of way. It was reassuring to know that they were all doing great, even with how hard the pandemic had been, even for them.
You wondered what Jin was thinking, on his side of the world – closer to you than most of the human population, still so far he was but a lingering ghost in your life. You imagined him, as you tried falling asleep. Still awake, sitting behind the screen of a computer as he’d game the night away, the same way he had for most of your relationship, whenever he had a break from work.
In all truth, Jin had received the same letter as you, yet he had found it earlier, a little after Namjoon had told him he was going to visit your restaurant. It had come as a shock to hear about you after all this time. After doing everything he could not to stumble upon a reminder of you, even as he kept a picture of you in his wallet.
A picture of you two, from the first year of your relationship. In that gazebo where you had fallen in love, long before the fall had happened.
He still gazed at the picture sometimes. Ran his finger on your face, wishing he hadn’t made the decision to leave. Knowing it had been the right decision, yet hating himself for it. Hating himself for hoping you’d attend the baby shower, and he’d get a glimpse of your soft pretty eyes, a glimpse of the smile that had stolen his heart when he was still too young to know what love was.
He knew he was confused, but what could he do? Confusion was a constant when one’s heart longed for another.
And maybe that was why he found himself deciding to go to that baby shower two months later. Maybe that was why you decided to go too, with the hopes that you’d run into him and find the words to speak to him. Words you had wanted to tell him back then before he had left. Before he had stepped out and left you in the past.
*****
Hope was a treacherous thing when you owned a fragile heart such as yours. And maybe you should have decided not to go, maybe you should have mailed a gift to Nari and Joonwoong. Instead, you went, closing the restaurant for the weekend as you decided to spend it at your parents’ place like you did once in a while whenever you needed more company than your empty apartment could provide.
Your parents were happy to see you. Ecstatic even, as your mother had a new man for you to meet. Another blind date like all the ones she had made you go on in the last year. None had worked, and you knew that the next one wouldn’t work either. You weren’t interested in a relationship at all, rather preferring to focus on building your reputation in the field of catering and fine cuisine.
And you were right: sitting in front of that stranger in a café you had frequented with Jin all those years ago, you found yourself losing your interest. Wishing you could be home and sipping on a glass of wine. It wasn’t that the guy was bad. He was pretty decent with a career that promised success in the field of finance and a rich family to support him if failure met him. He was nice, with a smile that made his eyes crinkle softly and a laugh that sounded a little childish, yet like a melody.
In all truth, it wasn’t him that was the problem. You were aware it was you, and your unavailable heart that still looked for another in all the people you met. Someone you knew you were going to see the next day, as Nari had told you he’d attend.
Making you go on a blind date the day before seeing Jin had been a stupid idea from your mother, but to make her happy you stayed with the guy for a while, talking about everything and nothing, trying to appear interested in the things he said. You hoped you succeeded, but it didn’t really matter. You knew you weren’t going to see him again.
You found yourself unable to sleep that night. Eyes glued to the ceiling of your childhood room, thoughts roaming over the memories of the past years. Of your older brother who had been friends with Jin’s brother, long before you had even known Jin. Of your parents, who had been so in love and made you believe you’d find a love for yourself like that, some day. It was strange to think that you did and that you had lost it in your selfishness.
You weren’t quite sure if your selfishness had been the cause of the fall. It wasn’t like Jin had been better. You pushed the thoughts aside, rolling on your mattress, eyes falling on the window and on the clouds you could see in the sky, clouds that had been lingering for days.
And when the night sky started lighting up with dawn, you got up and went outside to do a little bit of yoga while the sun rose. Even if it was hidden by the clouds, you always found peace in the early morning, that moment before the world started turning again, when dew clung to every blade of grass, shining in the first rays of the sun.
“Y/n!” your mother shouted from the door of the house. “Breakfast is ready.”
“Coming”, you replied, before finishing your last position.
Once that was done, you rolled your yoga mat, carrying it back inside to your room before meeting your parents in the kitchen. Your brother had long been married and had moved in with his wife in Seoul, in the same neighborhood as your restaurant, so he wasn’t going to come for breakfast.
“How was the date yesterday?” your mother asked as soon as you sat, and you threw her an annoyed glance.
“You should stop forcing me to go on those”, you said, right as she shook her head slightly.
She met your father’s gaze, before resuming her attention on you. “I really thought you would like that one.”
You shrugged, spooning some food in your mouth to refrain from having to say anything. Your mother got the cue, and your parents started eating too, until a lighter conversation about their plans to visit your aunt in Busan filled the air, letting you zone out as you ate your fill.
A little later, you found yourself putting on your favourite clothes – a pale pair of dress pants that had been too overpriced but fit you perfectly, along with a loose dark blue blouse that you tucked in your pants. You fixed your hair too, and put on some make-up. You knew it probably was too extra for a baby shower, but you didn’t care. You wanted to look your best if you were to see Jin.
The walk to Nari and Joonwoong’s place was a little longer than you remembered. You walked with your hands in your pockets, palms already clammy as anxiety moved through you. You had no clue who was attending except for Nari’s two younger twin sisters, Seori and Seri, along with Jin of course. You imagined Joonwoong’s siblings would be there too, but Nari hadn’t given you a clear list of the people in attendance.
Probably because she had thought you wouldn’t go.
Your right hand exited the comfort of your pocket to move to your hair, playing mindlessly with the bang that framed your face. It had gotten a little longer than you usually kept your bangs, and you knew you would have to get it cut soon.
You focused on simple thoughts to distract you from the perspective of seeing Jin. Focusing on them proved to be fruitless, because as you neared the house where your friends were going to build their family, your eyes fell on a familiar silhouette you would have recognized anywhere.
You knew those broad shoulders by heart, along with the dark hair atop his head. It was longer now, a little more ruffled as if he didn’t really care about his appearance all that much. Your fingers ached to touch the strands you knew were soft, and your hands trembled as you got closer to him, while he waited for someone to come open the door for him.
You were still a good ten feet away from the door when it opened, revealing a round-bellied Nari with a wide grin on her face. She didn’t notice you as she let Jin in, and the door shut before you reached it, as your heartbeat reached a rhythm that had to be anything but good for your health.
You waited for a moment before knocking, maybe because you were hoping Jin would be gone by the time someone would open for you. You were a coward, through and through, but you couldn’t bring yourself to care.
In all truth, you didn’t bring yourself to knock until a small family arrived, with two small children that kept running around and screaming with happy laughs and shrieks as the boy tickled his sister. You watched them for a time, as the parents neared you, face breaking into an endeared smile.
You had always loved children. Had always wanted to have a couple of them, back when you were with Jin. You still wanted some today, but it was a different want, like an unreachable goal that shimmered in the distance the same way a mirage did in the desert.
“Hello”, the woman greeted you.
You bowed as you echoed her greeting, right as the children finally settled down beside their parents, the girl throwing you a curious glance as she hid behind her mother’s legs. You smiled at her, before resuming your attention on the mother.
“I just got here”, you said, as if you needed to reassure her that you weren’t avoiding knocking on the door. Which, in truth, had been what you were doing.
“Let’s knock”, she replied, and the air filled with awkwardness before you finally turned, knocking on the door.
Your heart resumed its treacherous rhythm as you waited for the door to open and you were relieved when it did, revealing a disheveled Joonwoong.
“Y/n!” he greeted you happily, before speaking to the couple and their children behind you as he moved to the side to let you pass.
You listened to them speak as you took off your shoes. Apparently, the woman was one of Joonwoong’s coworkers, and she was currently pregnant with her third child, though she had yet to show. It made you jealous, in some sort of way, and you tuned out the conversation to focus on your surroundings.
Nari and Joonwoong’s house was a wide open space, with a staircase in one corner that led to the upstairs where you imagined the bedrooms were. A table was pushed against one of the walls, with a pile of gifts and colourful balloons on each end. People were scattered around the whole area, with a few of them sitting on a L-shaped couch next to the television on the wall. The kitchen was on the opposite end of the open area and an array of snacks rested on the table, for the guests to pick from if they wanted to. That was where Jin was, and your eyes immediately moved away as you saw him standing there, hands in his pockets, looking awkward with Nari speaking to her twin sisters next to him.
In all truth, you were surprised that Jin was there. He had never been one for crowds, even though he was an idol. Indeed, he had always been more of an introvert, and maybe that had been another reason why your relationship had been doomed from the start: you had always liked going out, and it wasn’t something Jin had had to offer you, at the end.
Or maybe that had been the pandemic.
You shook the thoughts away, right as you felt a tiny fist pulling on your pants. You glanced down to see the little girl with a shy smile on her face. You bent so you were at a level with her, and you offered her your sweetest smile.
“Hey there”, you told her.
“You are very pretty”, she said with a small childish voice that made your heart fill with endearment.
Her comment surprised you, as you hadn’t expected the compliment, but you immediately thanked her, telling her that she was the prettiest around here. That made her blush as her mother laughed next to her.
“She is practicing talking to people”, the mother told you once the little girl ran away, with her brother on her heels. “She’s always been shy, but we’re trying to make her come out of her shell.”
You chuckled as you nodded. “Going for a compliment right away doesn’t sound like she’s too shy.”
The mother laughed as she nodded in agreement. “She’s gotten a lot better.” Her eyes moved away from your face, and as soon as you saw her mouth falling open, you knew what she had seen.
Everyone had that reaction when they saw Jin back when you were dating. The perks of him being a worldwide famous idol.
The woman’s eyes moved back to you, right as she motioned behind her to tap on her husband’s arm. You waited for him to see Jin too, your own gaze falling to the floor as you felt awkwardness moving through you once again.
“Joonwoong didn’t mention Jin from BTS was going to be here”, the man said. It was said like it was some sort of a joke, like he didn’t quite believe Jin was there.
You didn’t blame him, you could hardly believe it yourself. You glanced over your shoulder and your eyes met Jin’s gaze for a time.
The world stopped turning, as your breath caught in your throat and your heart stopped in your chest. Jin offered you a small smile and a bow of his head, before leaning closer to Nari as she was saying something to him. He laughed at her words, and the sound of his laugh carried across the room to meet your ears.
It struck you dumb, and you turned your head away as everything inside of you felt like it was burning. As if you had caught fire and no one was to come to put it out. It hurt, deeply, and you wished you hadn’t come. Wish you hadn’t been stupid enough to want to come.
You and Jin were done. There was a whole abyss between you now, with no bridge to lead to him the way it had before. You had known it before you had come, of course. Hell, the break-up letter had been clear about it, as you had reread it in the last few days. But to see him there, to know he was nearby, yet too far… it cut you deeply. Made you feel as if you were bleeding out.
“Are you okay?” the woman asked, her concern for you replacing her surprise at the sight of Jin.
You met her gaze, wondering what you looked like for her to ask. Maybe you had blanched, as if you had seen a ghost. Maybe your eyebrows had fallen, or maybe your whole stance had fallen. It wouldn’t surprise you, you had always been an open book.
“Yes”, you lied, and you managed to take a couple of breaths, breaths that had your pain easing until it was just a numb feeling at the back of your mind.
You’d let yourself hurt as soon as you’d leave. You knew it was going to be soon, you didn’t feel like sticking around when just the smallest eye contact had you feeling like that.
And maybe you were stronger than you let yourself believe. Because you did stay, keeping away from Jin as best as you could, talking to the woman you had just met. Playing with the children, as the little girl tended to go back to you more often than the others. Maybe because you had been the only one to actually take the time to speak to her.
It was easier once the initial shock passed. Easier to pretend that Jin was just another stranger, as you avoided his gaze and his general presence. Easier to act as if you were fine, all the while feeling your heart break a little more.
Your eyes betrayed you sometimes, sliding to him even though you tried to ignore him. He looked good, effortlessly so. Full lips stretching into a smile that lit up his whole face as he laughed along with Joonwoong and the other men. Some of them looked like friends to him, and it was a strange sight to see him like that.
He looked happy. Maybe that, most of all, unnerved you. Seeing him happy, as if your presence didn’t affect him at all. Or maybe he was just a better actor than you.
Maybe he had just learned to push the pain so far in the depths of his heart he could barely feel it anymore. It was bound to break out some day, but today, he’d push it deeper, until it was like it didn’t even exist anymore.
Perhaps then he’d be able to catch a glimpse of you without feeling like he was drowning.
*****
Years ago, the gazebo where you were sitting had been lit up with fairy lights. A string of them, that you could see up above your head, but they had died a long time ago. The landscape was the same though, with the distant mountains and the moon high up in the sky now that the clouds had finally dispersed. Closer to you, trees reached up to the heavens, though there was a break in them where the gazebo was so you could gaze at the view.
The gazebo wasn’t well maintained. There was a hole in the floor through which you could see rocks littering the ground, and there were spiderwebs everywhere, with their occasional occupant. You almost felt bad for disrupting their peace as you sat there, but you had needed to get away.
Memories were engraved into the wood of the gazebo, where lovers had carved their names and promises of forever. You knew that somewhere on your right your own initials, along with Jin’s, were etched on the side of the bench.
You remembered the day you had carved them there, with the Swiss knife your father had gifted you after his trip to Sweden. It had been a sunny day, with wind making the leaves of the trees dance, splotches of sunlight following a chaotic pattern as it reached the floor of the gazebo. Jin had been sitting on the floor, reading initials and what previous lovers had written. Until you had chosen to sit next to him and had started carving a memory of your own love.
You wondered if time had erased the carving, the way it had erased the love between you and Jin.
The gazebo had been a frequent meeting place for you and Jin. That summer you had met… it had been spent under this same roof, watching those same distant mountains, and listening to that same wind. It had been warm, hot even, though young love blossoming had kept it bearable. Enjoyable, too.
It was in that same gazebo that Jin had kissed you for the first time. In that same gazebo that he had proposed to you, that early September evening, along with your family.
The moon looked lonely, up in the sky. A full moon, brighter than the stars surrounding it, yet it looked lonely. Much like you felt. You wondered if Jin sometimes looked up at the sky and felt lonely too even with all his love for the moon up there.
It had been hard to see him earlier. Harder than you had expected and had you known, you wouldn’t have gone. It was strange to you that your friends still were friends with Jin. It made you think of the members, and the nostalgia felt too real.
It sucked that they had chosen to end your friendship when Jin had broken up with you. Sucked that Jin hadn’t had to lose most of his friends the way you had lost yours. It made you jealous, in some sort of way.
Jealousy wasn’t a beautiful emotion. It was filled with poison, the kind that slowly made your bones dissolve like they’d been thrown into acid. It was a slow pain, one that choked your lungs up with the feeling of drowning.
You hated it. Hated that Jin had looked so happy earlier. Hated that he had barely acknowledged your presence, merely nodding your way before focusing back on his conversation.
Mostly, you hated how some part of you had seen him and felt relieved. As if your heart had finally come home, even with all the distance between you. Hearing his laugh had been healing, too. But seeing his smile… it had broken your heart all over again.
You hadn’t cried about your lost love in a long time now. Didn’t think you were going to cry tonight either, yet your eyes felt wet. Vision becoming blurry, you found yourself blinking away tears right as you shivered in a particular cold gust of wind.
It felt even colder when you turned and noticed a figure standing there.
Then every sensation left your body when you recognized Jin, with his hands in his pockets and a startled look on his face. As if he hadn’t expected to see you there.
There was a long moment of you just looking at each other. Waiting for the other to speak, to act as if the world hadn’t just stopped for you. And you didn’t want to be the first one to speak, didn’t want him to hear the tremolo that was sure to take over your voice.
“Hi”, he said, voice small and shy in a way that was so different to the guy you had loved.
Your heart picked up its pace in your chest, and suddenly every sensation rushed back to you: the feeling of his eyes on you, the fabric of your shirt brushing your skin, the moon reflecting in his gaze. The smell of the forest surrounding you, mixed with the underlying scent of rotten wood. The sound of a cricket somewhere in the distance, along with the call of a night bird in the forest.
You noticed everything at once, as his single word floated in the air between you.
“I didn’t expect to find you here”, he continued as you stayed mute, as if you didn’t even know how to be human anymore.
In all honesty, you were pretty sure you didn’t.
He looked down, and his eyes trailed to the hole in the floor. He seemed surprised to see it there. You understood why: he too had to remember when you had come here when you were younger and foolish and falling in love. Back then, the gazebo had been well kept by a kind old man who climbed all the way here every morning.
“I can leave you alone if you want”, he said, eyes stubbornly avoiding your face as yours continued boring into his forehead.
Some sense came back to you, and you let out a small nervous laugh. “Sorry, no, you can stay.” You wet your lips as he met your gaze again. “I was leaving anyway.”
You got up, but Jin was quicker. “No!” His mouth hung open for a time, as if he regretted the sudden outburst. He then shrugged, before shaking his head slightly. “You can stay.”
With me.
The words were unsaid, yet they shone in his eyes. You nodded slightly before looking away from him, unable to hold his gaze. You listened to him climb the two stairs to the gazebo as he moved in, before sitting on the opposite side from you. You sat back down, trying to ignore the space between you.
The gazebo wasn’t particularly large, maybe six feet or so. If Jin were to lie down in the middle, you knew he’d almost touch the two sides. It also meant that him sitting in front of you brought him a lot closer than you felt comfortable with and you kept looking in the distance, trying to ignore his presence.
But it was hard. Jin lit up the gazebo, as if the fairy lights had fallen under his skin and the electricity running along his nerves was enough to light them up again. It made your heart beat painfully as it beat erratically, not sure which symphony to embrace.
You hated it, and really hoped you had chosen to leave. But it felt too late now as if it’d just make everything all the more awkward.
The distinct sound of a zipper being opened met your ears, a strange sound that felt out of place in the middle of the night. You turned to look at him, unable to resist, to see he had a backpack next to him.
You hadn’t even noticed it, but Jin had brought a backpack with him. Your eyes widened a little as he fished a wine bottle out of it, along with a single plastic cup.
He looked up, as if feeling your gaze on him. “Had I known you were here I’d have brought two of these”, he said, moving the cup up a little before letting his hand fall in his lap, eyes following a second later.
“Oh, it’s okay.” Your words had him meeting your gaze again. “Are you…” you trailed off, cheeks flushing. “Were you going to drink alone?”
He chuckled, shrugging his shoulders. “I didn’t think you were going to be here, so yeah, that was the plan.”
Why had he chosen to come here? The question swirled in your thoughts, deafening every sound around you.
Had he needed to satiate his nostalgia, much like you had needed to?
“I look like a loser, don’t I?”
His sentence had a strange laugh bubbling in your chest. It was awkward, and a small smile moved on his lips as your gaze dropped to the floor. “You don’t”, you reassured him.
Why did you break up with me in a letter?
You wanted to ask him. Had been wanting to ask him since you had first seen him earlier… but he looked peaceful, somewhat, in the silver light of the moon. You didn’t want to ruin it with questions your heart had been wondering about for so long.
“Do you want to drink with me?” he asked.
You still avoided his eyes, but your gaze moved to the wine bottle. There wasn’t enough light for you to discern which wine it was. All you could tell was that it looked like a red.
“It’s an Antu”, he said. “Isn’t that your favourite?”
He knew it was. You didn’t know why he had asked because he knew it was.
It was that same bottle you had been drinking the night you had fought for the last time.
“You still remember?”
There was a heavy silence then, as Jin looked away, towards the horizon. You watched his profile, noticing the way his lips were tightly pulled into a straight line. Like he was hurt.
Maybe his memories hurt him just as much as yours hurt you.
“Yeah”, he flatly said after a time. He sighed, before sliding his eyes towards you again. “I remember a lot.”
You couldn’t look away this time and you offered him a sad smile. “It’s hard to forget someone you really loved, huh?”
He nodded, letting out a bitter chuckle. “It really is.” He put the glass down next to him before twisting the cap of the bottle open. He poured some wine, allowing himself a taste before handing you the glass.
You looked at it as if it was foreign, as if the scene was straight out of an absurd movie. And it really felt as if it was because he couldn’t have hurt the way you had. He had been the one to break up in the first place, even though you had known that the relationship had come to an end too. You would have liked to fight for it, but life had other plans for you.
You grabbed the cup, avoiding his fingers like the plague. You didn’t feel like touching him, not when just the sight of him hurt you like it did. You took a small sip, and the aromas of the wine danced on your tongue before you swallowed. The taste lingered a moment and it reminded you of that night three years ago.
Needless to say you hadn’t drunk that wine again after losing Jin.
“How has work been going?” he asked, as his gaze slid to the horizon, to the mountains coated in that silver glow the moon provided to the whole scene.
“Great.” You took another sip. “The restaurant has been going really great now that the pandemic is over.”
“Good to hear.” It sounded genuine, the way he said it, with softness making his voice fall low at the end. “RM had only good things to say about the food.”
A small smile formed on your lips. “Hope he had good things to say about his date as well.”
Jin chuckled, and from the corner of your eye you saw him take a sip straight from the bottle. “They are dating now, so trust me, he has plenty of good things to say about her. He is head over heels for her.”
“Good for him”, you said.
You fell silent for a time, both of you contemplating the mountains. It was a comfortable silence, as if the initial surprise of seeing him here had melted into expectation. As if you had expected him to meet you here under the gazebo, as he had so many times before.
“All the members are dating, actually”, Jin admitted.
Your eyes widened, and your gaze slid to him. “All of them?”
Jin laughed before taking a swig of the Antu. “Yeah. We just had a dinner with all their girlfriends.” He sighed, though a soft smile tugged at the corners of his lips. “I’m happy they have found their own happiness.”
You were happy for them too, yet your heart felt heavy in your chest. Because even though Jin seemed happy for his friends, there was a heaviness in the air surrounding him. And you could imagine why, he was the oldest and he was the only one that was single now. It had to weigh on him, in some sort of way.
“Though”, he met your gaze, and your hand that held the cup shook a little at the sadness you saw in his eyes, “It feels weird to know that they have all found their person.”
You knew him all too well. After all this time, you still knew him all too well.
“Why is that?” you found yourself asking, even though you knew the answer.
He shrugged, looking in the distance again. You followed his gaze, as if it’d give him more privacy to reply to your question. He remained silent for a time, and you took a sip of the wine.
“I always thought I’d be the first to…” he trailed off. “Well, me or Jungkook-ie. I thought one of us would be the first to get married and all…” He chuckled, a sad sound that made your heart ache in your chest. “Won’t happen now.”
It angered you, just a little, because it could have happened hadn’t he chosen to break up with you. But it was in the past, and a fragile peace clung to the moment. You didn’t want to be the one to make it fall into chaos.
“Well, maybe Jungkook and Sena will get married soon”, you pointed out.
Jin winced, shaking his head. “Jungkook is not dating Sena anymore.”
It startled you, to hear that. “What?”
“Yeah…” Jin met your gaze. “He’s dating a tattoo artist now. And I don’t think they plan to get married.”
“Oh”, you let out. “Why not?”
Jin shrugged, before drinking a little wine. “One of the reasons why Jungkook and Sena broke up is because she wanted to get married and he didn’t.”
You remembered that. Sena had always gushed about the day she’d get married, had sent you pictures of wedding dresses and all the likes for a long time. Until you had split up with Jin, and then she’d started talking to you less and less until she didn’t at all anymore. You hadn’t tried to maintain the relationship either, as she reminded you of Jin too much.
You had avoided reminders of Jin for months after the breakup. Years, even.
“Oh, I see.” You drank, letting the wine roll on your tongue for a long time before swallowing. “Who do you think will get married first, then?”
“I have a feeling for Taehyung, but he started dating his girlfriend pretty recently.”
You smiled, nodding your head. “He’s always been a big romantic, though.”
“He has”, Jin agreed.
Jin had been a big romantic too, before you had made the mistake of moving in together because of the pandemic.
But you didn’t feel like fighting tonight. Just felt like talking to him like time hadn’t split you up like it had. You wanted to let the calm atmosphere of the night heal some parts of you that had never healed, after the breakup.
The perks of never really having in person closure.
“How… how has work been going for you?” you asked, carefully, after the silence between you had stretched into minutes, minutes of you both looking at the scenery.
“Well”, he said. “It’s been going well. It’s strange though. To not be doing everything with the members anymore.”
You slowly nodded. “I can imagine that it is.”
“But it’s been great”, he added. “Some change is always good, you know.”
You would have done without the change of losing him, but you couldn’t really tell him that, right?
Or maybe you could.
“Why did you break up with me in that letter?” you asked, a little out of the blue. The question had found its way to your lips quicker than you could stop it, and you let it hang in the air between the two of you.
You deserved an answer, after all this time. After all the haunting that the ghost of Jin had been in your life.
Jin looked startled, yet he didn’t flee. Didn’t become angry like he used to back then. “You told me to never come back.”
You slowly nodded, though you didn’t really remember what had happened that night. As if it had hurt too much and your brain had chosen to forget it.
“You never…” you trailed off, taking a sip of wine to hide the tremble in your voice. “You never considered that I didn’t mean it?”
He shrugged, sighing heavily. “I did, for a time. But then I realized that our relationship wasn’t what it was like anymore and figured it was just best to end it then.”
He had written so in his letter, so it was nothing new to you. Yet it hurt to hear him say it aloud.
“It was a little traumatizing, to come home one day and see that all of your stuff was gone”, you said.
You had wanted to tell him for years. Had almost given in and called him countless times in the weeks after that evening. But you hadn’t, your pride winning over your need for closure.
He had told you to call, though. In his letter. The last few lines had been about wanting to arrange a meeting in person so you could talk. You had chosen not to. Hadn’t been able to, in all honesty.
“I…” he let out, before falling silent. He didn’t speak again for a long time, and tears were welling up in your eyes, blurring the landscape in front of you, by the time he spoke again. “I apologize. I was messed up back then, and I just thought about myself.”
Maybe that had been your undoing. The fact that both of you had thought about yourselves, and never about the two of you together. You had been too individual in the whole relationship.
It didn’t matter anymore.
You couldn’t tell him that it was okay because it had never really been. So you remained silent, instead sipping the wine, trying to ignore your heart breaking in your chest all over again.
It was hard when you were fully aware that Jin had been the love of your life. In three years, you hadn’t even been able to look at another man and imagine having a sexual relationship with him, let alone a future. All your nights were still haunted by Jin. All of them belonged to him, just like all your days belonged to his absence.
“I really am sorry”, Jin said as you remained silent. “I shouldn’t have taken the cowardly way out.”
“It doesn’t matter anymore”, you said, trying to reassure him.
Another beat of silence passed between you two.
“You know, I would have wished for things to end differently”, he admitted. “It does matter.”
A tear slipped on your cheek, and you hoped he didn’t notice. Wished it with all of your heart. So, you drank some wine, finishing the cup he had handed you before focusing on the moon. A veil of clouds had hidden it, a little, and it was lit up by a silver glow, as if the moon had diffused in all the clouds.
Perhaps you were stupid for thinking he wouldn’t notice, when he still knew you by heart the way you knew him.
“Y/n…” he let out.
You glanced at him, and it just had more tears rolling on your cheeks. “Sorry.” You put the cup down on the bench next to you, before quickly getting up. “I’ll leave you alone.”
“Don’t go”, he said softly, but you could barely hear him over the sound of your heart breaking all over again.
You took a few steps away, and maybe it was because the moon didn’t light up the gazebo anymore or because your tears were blurring your sight, but you forgot there was a hole in the floor. Only remembered when your leg went through it, and the sound of your pants tearing as you fell had you wincing.
Or maybe it was the pain that followed that truly had you wincing, as a burning sensation went up your leg.
“Are you okay?” Jin asked, and it sounded as if he had asked already, and you were deafened by the pain overcoming your nerves.
“Fuck.”
You had never cursed all that much in your life, and that more than anything told Jin that you in fact were not okay at all. He was kneeling in front of you – when had he moved? – a concerned look etched on his pretty features, heart-shaped mouth opened on a “o” sound that never reached your ears.
You met his gaze, blinking back tears, though this time you didn’t feel like crying because of the heartbreak. No, you were just infinitely embarrassed and were afraid to take a look at your leg.
“Let me help you out of there”, he gently said. Holding out his hands for you to take, though he didn’t touch you before you actually grabbed his hands.
In your panic, his warm touch barely registered in your mind. Especially as he tried pulling you up, and something dug in your leg. You screamed in pain and Jin let you go, a panicked expression taking over his features.
“Y/n…”
You blinked back more tears, before shutting your eyes and pulling your leg out. Adrenaline hid the first spark of pain, but as soon as your foot was resting on the floor next to you, away from the hole, the pain rushed back to you.
Or maybe the sight of blood staining your pale pants made the pain come back all the faster.
“You’re hurt”, Jin stated, right as the colours leached from his features. Not that you could really see it in the night, but the adrenaline made you all too aware.
“There was a nail.”
Your statement met deaf ears as Jin gently pulled your pants up to see the wound. It wasn’t a long cut, but it was deep enough to have blood gushing out of it. You paled even more at the sight of it, as your head turned dizzy.
“Oh God.”
“It’s going to be alright”, Jin reassured you, though he looked just as afraid as you. “I’ll carry you down and then we can call an ambulance.”
“I’m sure I don’t need to go to the hospital”, you said, but your voice was weak.
He didn’t say anything, instead moving towards the wine and the backpack. He put the cap back on the bottle before stuffing it in the bag.
“I swear I’m fine”, you insisted, and you pushed up to your feet. The feeling of newer warmer blood running down the side of your leg had fresh tears welling up in your eyes.
Jin put the backpack on so it rested on his stomach, before moving back to you. “Climb on my back”, he ordered, bending down so you could do so.
You slowly shook your head.
“Y/n, please, I just want to get you to safety.”
“I can walk”, you said, crossing your arms on your chest so he couldn’t see your hands shaking.
He threw you a no-bullshit look that had you look away. “Just climb on my back”, he said, gently, but with the firm voice you had seen him using with the members countless times before.
The same voice his older brother usually used on him.
“Okay”, you finally agreed because really, you couldn’t stand on your leg anymore, the pain making your knee weak. So, you wrapped your arms around Jin’s neck, and he pulled you up until your legs were circling his waist. “You’re going to get blood on you.”
“I don’t care”, he said and he started walking.
The sudden movement had you become all too aware of every part of your body that was touching him. It ached, a different way than the burning in your leg, as you rested your forehead against his shoulder.
“I’m sorry”, you apologized again.
“Stop being sorry, you’re injured, it’s only normal for me to take care of you.”
That had you crying again, and you held him tighter. “No. I’m sorry for the way things went down three years ago.”
Jin didn’t reply, but his grip on the side of your thighs tightened.
The walk down the small mountain was a short one, just under twenty minutes. Twenty minutes that you spent in silence, head still resting against Jin’s shoulder. Heart still beating achily, as the burning in your leg grew numb. Jin rubbed your thighs with his thumbs mindlessly as he walked, and all you could do was listen to the sounds of the forest surrounding you.
When you finally reached the street, Jin put you down on a bench before calling an ambulance. He sat next to you after that, close enough so that his thigh was touching yours on the side of your uninjured leg.
“Are you okay?” he asked.
You shrugged. “I’ll be fine.”
He slowly nodded, eyes getting lost in the reflection of the streetlamp in a puddle left from the rain earlier. “You know…” He chuckled, sadly, and if it wasn’t for the pain in your leg you would have moved until you could hug him. “You shouldn’t be sorry for how things ended.”
“But I am”, you said matter-of-factly. “I wanted to hate you for so long, but at the end of the day, it was all my fault.”
“It wasn’t”, he shook his head. “We both had our wrong-doings in the relationship.”
“I asked too much of you.”
It was true, in some sort of way. You had asked too much of him after you had moved in together. You had asked for stuff Jin couldn’t really give you, until he had become too tired to even try.
“I was too immature to give you what you needed”, he replied with a small voice. “I regretted it a lot.”
“You don’t anymore?”
“Not like I did at first.” He paused, eyes darting to you once before moving back to the safety of the puddle. “I hope you didn’t regret it.”
You chuckled bitterly, and hadn’t it been for the wound on your leg you would have gotten up and stormed off. “Jin, please stop saying that.” You met his gaze. “Stop saying that I shouldn’t be sorry or that I shouldn’t regret. I wanted to fight for you and you didn’t even give me the option.”
His brows knit together as he clenched his jaw, but a deep breath had his features loosening immediately. “You could have called, and we could have talked in person”, he pointed out. “At first I really just wanted a break.”
You didn’t reply, remaining stubbornly silent, though the sudden anger that had filled your entire being left you, the pain in your leg overpowering it.
“I’m really happy I got to see you today”, Jin admitted after a long silence.
You shut your eyes, head hanging low. Until he wrapped an arm around your shoulders to pull you in his embrace. Tears rolled down your cheeks but you didn’t move, didn’t say anything. You wanted to enjoy the warmth of him once more. For the last time, perhaps.
“I like your hair”, he continued.
You had cut it short, after him. Gone were the long locks cascading down your back: your hair was shoulder-length now.
“Thank you”, you whispered, your voice breaking at the end.
Jin only tightened his hold on you, as he rested his chin on top of your head. He didn’t speak for a long time. If you were in his head, you’d know that his heart was shattered, had been shattered since that night you had told him not to come back. You’d know letting you go had been the hardest thing he had ever had to do, and that he’d take it back if he could. He wasn’t sure you wanted that too.
“Do you know why I went to the gazebo?” he asked, with the tiniest voice he could muster up.
“Why?”
“I hoped I was going to find you there, like that summer we met.”
You pushed away from him, so you could look him in the eyes. So you could see the truth in his dark gaze, and in the sad smile that adorned his lips.
“You remember?”
You were startled to see a tear rolling down his cheek. “How could I forget?”
Your gaze fell and your eyes caught on the glint of a chain disappearing in his dress shirt. “We had fun that summer.”
He nodded slowly. “We did. It’s crazy to think that it’s been thirteen years.”
You had never really thought about it, but it was true. You had met Jin in 2010, the year he had become a trainee. Even with the busy schedule that it had entailed, you had still managed to meet up at the gazebo, until you were in love thinking you were going to spend your lives together.
Oh how you had been wrong.
“It’s sad that the gazebo is all rotted now”, you whispered, and your eyes moved back up to his face.
“How’s your leg?” he asked.
You didn’t have time to reply before the blaring siren of the ambulance rose in the distance as it moved closer to you. “You know I’m not sure an ambulance was needed”, you said again. And you glanced at your leg, paling once again at all the blood. Though it wasn’t bleeding all that much anymore, most of it had just dried on your skin.
“If you got cut by a nail you want to make sure you get it checked by a doctor”, he said. “You might need shots for tetanus too.”
He was right, and to have him care for you like that… it had your heart squeezing in your chest all over again.
“I could have asked my parents to drive me”, you murmured, face turning away from him.
He shrugged, offering you a small sad smile. “Let me take care of you. Just this one last time.”
New tears filled your eyes and had it not been for the ambulance finally arriving, you would have burst out crying right then. You were glad the paramedics saved you the embarrassment, even as Jin insisted to accompany you in the ambulance. Even as he sat next to you, holding your hand as one of the paramedics took a look at the cut.
Seeing the wound had you paling even more, so you looked away, focusing on Jin’s hand in yours. On the feeling of him next to you, like he had been all these years ago. And he remained by your side all through the trip to the hospital, not once letting go of your hand, except when the doctor had a nurse inject a vaccine shot in your arm.
Only then did he let you go, only to grab your hand again right when the shot was done.
When the wound was dressed and you were all ready to go, Jin walked with you to the front door, hands deep in his pockets. You hadn’t spoken much during the whole ordeal, but his comforting presence had your heart squeeze in your chest with memories of the past. With what-ifs and could-have-beens that felt sour even as you stepped outside in the fresh air of the night.
“Thank you”, you whispered as you walked side by the side, the sounds of the city meeting your ears once again, with you stumbling a little as the doctor had requested for you to use crutches for a few days. Just so you didn’t put weight on your leg, until the wound had started healing and didn’t threaten to open up again.
Jin’s gaze slid to your profile, lingering there for a moment too long before he spoke again. “Would you like to get dinner sometime?”
You stopped in your tracks, almost falling face first as you still weren’t quite used to walking with crutches. Jin stopped in front of you, turning to face you with a look on his face that you hadn’t seen in forever. An open door you hadn’t expected to see again. Some part of you wanted to shut the door, to run away while you still could, to end the relationship the right way, but a bigger part of you wanted to see him again. To know that he wasn’t fully gone from your life. Maybe it was a mistake, but you found you were too much of a coward to say no.
“I…” you trailed off, eyes falling in the void making up the space between you. “Are you sure it’s a good idea?”
You heard him gulp before he replied. “We can just talk. It could be… great, to talk again.”
Your eyes filled with tears once more, as they seemed to be doing quite a lot today. You slowly shook your head, gaze moving back up to his. The light in his eyes died at the sight of your tears, and he just stood there, unmoving, as if he had stopped breathing altogether.
“Why would we talk again?” you whispered, gaze shying away from his again. “Why would we do that to ourselves when we know it’s just going to hurt in the end?”
One of his hands moved up to his face, and you only then realized that he was crying too. “It doesn’t have to hurt.”
“You broke up with me, Jin”, you said, anger suddenly flaring up in your chest, a little like it had back then. All of a sudden, from a place in you that felt foreign to your usual calm behaviour. “We are over.”
His eyes were shut when you looked at his face again. “I’m sorry I asked.” He slowly shook his head, and you watched his features, committing them to memory as his bottom lip trembled. “I’ve just…”
When he didn’t say anything for a time, you found yourself wishing you hadn’t refused. Because seeing him hurting like that undid you, made you want to brush away the tear that rolled down his cheek, made you want to pull him in your embrace and never let him go.
You had never really stopped loving him, hadn’t you?
“You could come to the restaurant”, you suggested, with the smallest voice you had been able to muster up. Because it spoke against the sense in your head, against your will to protect yourself from the man that had destroyed you.
He didn’t say anything for a time, didn’t move at all. The only thing that moved was the tear on his cheek that finally reached his jaw. You watched it fall from his face, slowly, until you couldn’t distinguish it in the night anymore.
“If you want me to”, he finally said, his tone matching the one that had taken over your own voice.
You gulped, finding yourself unable to speak. As much as you were afraid, you wanted to see him again. Didn’t want tonight to be the last night you’d gaze at the man you had once loved as much as you had. The one that you still loved, though you couldn’t quite tell if the love was the same as it had once been.
Because memories… memories made one feel like they did once, even if the true feelings were gone. As if the soul still remembers, and echoes of the love reaches it sometimes. Reaches the darkest corners of one’s heart, lighting it up for a time before letting it fall into darkness once again.
“If you really want me to, I’d love to come to the restaurant”, he repeated as you remained silent.
You slowly nodded, taking a deep breath to ease the ache in your heart, though it made you focus on the numb pain that still adorned your leg. You moved a little, putting more weight on your uninjured leg as Jin watched you carefully, trying to lessen the pain.
“Okay”, you let out. “Yes. I could make you some kimchi jiggae.”
His eyes lit up, and he slowly nodded his head, a little like you had done just a few seconds ago. “I would love that.” He chuckled then, as if in disbelief, before speaking again. “I could help you, so you don’t do all the work.”
It was strange to hear him say that. As much as he had helped you with cooking back then, it felt strange to hear him say those words. As if they meant more, as if they meant something you had needed to hear three years ago, that night your relationship had died. It made you anxious about the whole ordeal, but you didn’t find the strength to look away, didn’t find the courage to tell him it wasn’t a good idea. The only thing you wanted was to add one more thing, yet the words didn’t reach your lips, dying somewhere in your throat, choking it up with nostalgia and apprehension.
Please don’t break my heart again.
*****
You didn’t remember the last time you had been so anxious. As if the whole world was on your shoulder tonight, and a single faux pas would send it crumbling down into chaos. You had been trembling for a while, clammy hands endlessly rearranging the ingredients for the meal you’d cook tonight. You had swept the floors so many times already you were pretty sure you hadn’t forgotten a single speck of dust in the whole place. Yet the anxiety didn’t leave you, rendering you unable to do anything else than pick at your nails.
Your leg had healed, in the few weeks since you had last seen Jin. You hadn’t been able to organize the dinner earlier considering Jin had been busy with work and you hadn’t been able to close the restaurant for a night before. Jin had offered to pay for renting the restaurant for the night, but you had refused, feeling weird about having your ex pay you that way.
You had a scar now where you had ripped your skin on the nail of the gazebo. It wasn’t a straight line, even with the stitches that you had gotten with Jin that night. It was mostly healed now and you had gotten the stitches taken out a week ago, but it still hurt a little, the skin feeling as if it was strangely stretched. It often itched, and you had to resist the urge to scratch it, to play with it the way you had been playing with the scar in your heart.
That scar was different. New, in a way you didn’t quite understand. Maybe because it had been a gaping hole for so long while Jin was gone from your life. It had taken closure and a wound for the hole to finally heal, to finally come together as one again. It made life different, somehow. You weren’t stupid as to why, hope painted everything in pastel and softness. And you hated that you were hopeful, but you had seen something in Jin’s eyes that night. Something you didn’t think you had seen since way before you had moved in together.
You refused to put a word on it, to give it meaning. Because giving it meaning would give it power, power to break you. You didn’t want to get hurt again yet you were excited about tonight. Anxious, yes, but excited nonetheless.
You sighed, running a hand through your hair as your eyes slid to the time on your phone once again. You were sitting on a high stool with one leg bouncing up and down as you waited for Jin to arrive. He had texted to say he was going to be late because of some unexpected traffic, promising that he was doing his best to come as quickly as he could. He had then sent you a bunch of screenshots from his groupchat with the rest of the members, with laughing emojis at how the boys had reacted when he had announced that you were getting dinner together tonight. They all were excited, way more than you had expected them to be, and Namjoon had even texted you saying to let him know if Jin was being a dick, so he could beat him up for you.
You didn’t know how to feel about it, but to have Jin be comfortable enough to share with you what the boys had said warmed your heart in some way. Even if they had all been teasing, saying stuff you weren’t sure they had expected you to read.
It didn’t really matter, because you hadn’t been able to stop smiling even with all the anxiety.
You sighed once again, breath shaking a little as it came out, and your heart stopped beating in your chest when you received a text. Unfortunately, it was from your mom, saying that she was ready to murder Jin if he so much as hurt you again.
You winced as you read the words. You were typing in your reply when your phone started vibrating in your hand, Jin’s name appearing at the top. This time, your heart stopped for good, and you watched the name for a while before finally answering the call.
“Hey”, you said, voice sounding a little strained. You scraped your throat as Jin greeted you on his side of the line.
“I’m at the door”, he said, and you could hear the smile in his voice. It made your heart start beating again, with warmth and butterflies that felt treacherous.
You pushed the anxiety aside as you got up. “I didn’t leave it unlocked?” you asked, and you started walking towards the entry.
“Oh, you did, just wanted to hear your voice already”, Jin replied, and you stopped in your tracks.
This time, the butterflies didn’t feel quite as treacherous, and you couldn’t help the smile that grew on your lips. “Well, come in, come in”, you said, and blush crept on your cheeks as Jin told you he was already in.
It didn’t take him more than a few seconds to appear in your line of sight, and you almost dropped your phone at the sight of him.
He had styled his hair back, and not a single strand stood out of place. He was wearing a black pair of dress pants, with a white shirt tucked in that hugged his body perfectly. His lips were stretched in a smile that tugged at the corners, making his eyes shine a little. He had a slight flush on his cheeks that made him seem so real and not a distant invention of your brain, and you wondered for a time how it was possible for a man like you to want to get dinner with a woman like you.
Jin was also holding a bouquet of red roses, and he had a bottle of wine under his arm. You knew it was an Antu without having to read the label and you grinned as he stopped.
“Hi”, he said again. He hung up the call as you just stood there awkwardly. “I… brought you roses.”
You slowly nodded, before taking a few steps towards him. “You didn’t have to”, you replied, a little breathlessly. It made you blush even more, cheeks turning dark as you stopped in front of him.
“I wanted to”, he said, shrugging. “That’s why I was late.”
Your eyes that were on the flowers moved up until you met his gaze, and your grin turned into a soft smile. “Then you really didn’t have to.”
You grabbed the roses, breathing in their scent while Jin watched you carefully, as if he wasn’t quite sure if you were real or not. A little like you had been watching just a moment ago, in truth.
“Is your leg healed now?” he asked, as the hand that had been holding the bouquet moved to grab the bottle of wine.
You nodded before turning around to go find a vase or something that could hold the flowers until you went home later. Jin followed you putting the wine down next to the ingredients, and you watched him from the corner of your eyes as he picked up some stuff, inspecting them before leaning against the counter and looking at you.
“I have missed eating your kimchi jiggae so bad”, he said, voice full of truth.
You avoided his gaze as you rummaged through the cupboards, hands settling on a cauldron, one you usually used for soups. You put the flowers in it before carrying it towards the sink.
“Well, good thing you’re here tonight”, you finally said, once you had turned the tap on and had no reason to avoid his gaze again.
He smiled with that heart-shaped mouth of his and you felt the anxiety dwindling away to nothingness, replaced by a warmth that settled in your whole body, in your whole soul as you just held his gaze, echoing the softness in his eyes.
“Thank you”, he murmured, and you only knew he said the words because you could read them on his lips.
Your gaze slid away as you moved to turn off the tap before picking up the cauldron to move it to the counter. “What for?”
“For accepting to meet up tonight”, he replied without a beat of silence. “I’m not sure I deserve it, but I’m really happy you said yes.”
You pursed your lips, shrugging a little. “Let’s not do that.”
He seemed confused for a time, much like you were. Because you didn’t know what you had meant and it sounded arrogant, somehow. It made you blush again and your gaze dropped to the tiles of the floor.
“I mean… not like that we shouldn’t…” you trailed off, shaking your head, “I mean, we shouldn’t think about the past.” You took a steadying breath, before meeting Jin’s gaze again. “We should start anew.”
He nodded, round eyes filling with agreement. “Yes. Let’s start on a new page.”
You nodded too, before letting out a small nervous laugh. “Perfect.”
And though the air had turned a little awkward, you moved closer to Jin and the ingredients, and soon enough you found yourself relaxing next to him, heart warming each time he laughed. And he did laugh a lot, just like he had when you had met him back then. It was something that you had always found endearing about him, something that had made you fall in love in the first place.
Sometimes, his laugh raised wariness in you, as if some part of you wanted to protect yourself from him. But it was hard to be pessimistic with him by your side, with his rolled-up sleeves and hands digging in the food as you showed him what to do. He looked happy, and that most of all stopped the wariness before it could kill the atmosphere.
And the atmosphere felt heavenly after years apart. As if you were taken back to the first days of your relationship. As if you were in that gazebo again, learning what love was. Learning what it meant for one to become two, and for two to become one again. Until your souls were entwined in a fragile tapestry; a tapestry that had been shred to pieces by the pandemic.
When Jin laughed, his whole face lit up, and his happiness bled to the space surrounding him. It was contagious, his happiness, until you found yourself laughing along with him, teasing him like you had back then. It only seemed to make him all the happier, and you found yourself wiping happy tears from the laughs you shared.
“Wait, wait, wait”, Jin said, interrupting the words you had been saying. You weren’t quite sure your sentence had been all that coherent, and you fell into silence as Jin repeated the word again, before adding, “You haven’t played Maple Story since that day?”
You laughed, hiding your face in your hands. “You know I’ve never been a big gamer.”
“Yet you always said you were better than me!” He shook his head, offense painting his features. “You’re a fake fan.”
“Oh please”, you said, chuckling as he let out a small laugh. “I still have the game. I’m sure I only need a little time before I can officially be better than you again.”
He squinted his eyes, wetting his lips. “Good luck with that. I’m at the top of my art.”
“Are you now?” You rolled your eyes, right as he nodded forcefully.
“Oh, I definitely am.”
You shared another laugh, before a comfortable silence raised around you.
You were currently sitting in one of the private rooms of the restaurant and you had put on some music to create an atmosphere that would feel more comfortable for the both of you with music you had used to listen to when you were dating. Jin had insisted on lighting candles and dimming the lights until romance heated up the air. The food was long eaten and the empty bowls between you were witnesses of Jin’s love for your kimchi jiggae. Indeed, he had finished every last bit of it as if he was a starved man.
You met his gaze right as a new song started, a slow ballad that you had used to dance to in the gazebo. It brought you to years ago, to a decade ago, even, and a knowing smile moved on his lips.
“Shall we?”
He motioned to the space surrounding you before extending his hand for you to take. Your eyes moved to it, skimming over his fingers and his perfectly manicured nails before going back to his face.
“Are you sure you want to do that?” you asked, and heaviness moved in your heart.
It didn’t go unnoticed to Jin, and his hand fell to the table. Still close enough for you to take, but not a clear invitation like it had been a moment ago.
“I’m not sure about anything in this world”, he said, shrugging his shoulders, and his own gaze dropped to his hand. “I just know I’ve been thinking about you since Nari and Joonwoong’s baby shower.”
As you had been. You gulped, wetting your lips. “I’m scared…”
His eyes fell shut, and he looked infinitely pained for a time. “I only have myself to blame for that.” He chuckled bitterly, and it made you want to grab his hand. To grab his hand and say fuck it. After all, you couldn’t win anything without risk. “I haven’t been able to get you off my mind.”
His eyelids fluttered open until your gazes met again. “What if it doesn’t work?” you murmured.
“Then we’ll be able to say we tried.”
He wasn’t wrong, and even though every part of you knew trusting him with your heart again was a mistake, your hand moved until your fingers grazed his. “Can we take it slow?”
His fingers reached up until they wrapped around yours. His touch was soft and warm, just like you remembered it, and it finished healing the hole in your heart, until the only thing you could feel was the warmth you could also find in his gaze.
“Yes.” His grip tightened around your fingers and he slowly got up. “We can take it as slow as you want to.”
You got up too, soon finding yourself facing him. He brought your hand to his shoulder before grabbing the other one.
“You know”, he said, voice low, as he started guiding you in that slow waltz in which your love had been born. “I almost came back that night.”
You shut your eyes, letting him guide you for a time as an old ache awoke in you. “I ran after you.” You sighed, breath coming out a little shakily, before meeting his gaze again. “I got a cold from running after you in the rain.”
He gulped, and you watched his Adam apple bobbing up and down. “I’m sorry.”
You had needed to hear those words since forever, yet they didn’t feel like you had thought they would. You had thought they would be liberating, but all they did was bring you back to those days after he had left.
“Don’t be”, you said, brushing it off with a shrug of your shoulders.
You didn’t want to give the past power over the night you were currently sharing. Over the hope that had been inhabiting you in the last few weeks.
“I’ll still be, but I can refrain from telling you.” He offered you a small smile, and your eyes dipped to his lips.
“I mean”, you said, mind searching for a joke to say to lighten the air around you. “It felt as if I was in a drama for a time. You let me live my main character arc for a time.”
That made him laugh, a sweet laugh that tugged at the corner of your own lips. “And look at us today, slow dancing. Maybe this is our season two.”
You chuckled, nodding your head, even as his words echoed your earlier wariness. “Or it’s a spin-off season, for those who don’t like sad endings.”
“I thought you wanted to take things slow.”
You stumbled a little and it made you stop dancing just as you looked at him. And you looked at him for a long time, unable to gaze away. Unable to stop the panic that found your heart, even as you had thought you were fine. You just looked at him, blanching, until your heart was beating out of your chest and you felt like leaving.
“Y/n?”
“This is not a good idea.”
You stepped away from him, walking towards the speaker so you could turn off the music. Jin didn’t move, as if too stunned to react, and you stood with your back turned to him as a new silence filled the air.
“Y/n…”
“No.” You shook your head. “Don’t say my name like that.”
“Why are you panicking?”
Maybe you were the one who couldn’t let the past be in the past.
You chuckled dryly, shaking your head again. “You broke my heart, Jin. We didn’t work and you broke my heart and I haven’t even been able to look at anyone else after you.” You were shaking, but you couldn’t stop anymore. “And then you came to gather your stuff while I was gone and I came back to an empty apartment. Your letter destroyed me.” A tear rolled on your cheek, and you wiped it away angrily. “And the boys stopped talking to me while you still talked to Nari and Joonwoong and the others and it’s fucking unfair.”
“Y/n”, Jin murmured, voice infinitely soft.
“I’m not fucking done”, you let out.
No, all the pain and rage you had felt back then came rushing back to you. It needed to come out, as it had needed to come out for the last three years. No dam could stop it anymore.
“I haven’t stopped loving you, even though you hurt me so bad I couldn’t even eat for weeks. I lost almost twenty pounds because food tasted too ashy after you. My parents forced me to take a break from the restaurant because of it.” You paused, and your heart felt as if it was shattered in your chest, and you were stepping on all the jagged pieces. “Do you know how pathetic I was? I have barely recovered and here you are coming back into my life expecting me to give myself to you again. What are you going to do this time?” You laughed, before turning to look at him. You took in the sight of his widened gaze, but it didn’t stop the words that were spilling from your mouth. “You’re going to kill me, Jin. I can’t allow myself to be with you again because you’re going to kill me.”
And as suddenly as you had started speaking, you fell silent, with only your tears rolling on your cheeks. Jin watched you for a while, still too stunned to speak, his eyes searching your features as if they’d find an answer as to why you were panicking. When he found none, his gaze dropped to the floor and words found their way to his own lips.
“It wasn’t working anymore and you know it too”, he said. He sounded resigned, as if he was only then realizing that you were over. “I took the cowardly way out, I know. I haven’t been able to be with anyone either. And I tried. But I’ve been comparing everyone to you and no one can compare. You’re the one that got away and I would sell my soul to the devil to change it.” His eyes met yours again, and you watched as his bottom lip trembled. “I don’t want to hurt you again. As a matter of fact I just want to stop hurting. When I was at that dinner with the boys and their girlfriends I just wanted you to be there. You deserved to be there and I was fucking stupid to not do what you asked me to do back then.”
Seeing him cry broke your heart again, reforming the hole you had imagined was gone. So you shut your eyes, focusing on your breathing to stop the pain from reaching you. It was a stupid thing to do, considering the pain inhabited your whole soul, but it was all you could do to try to survive.
“The worst part is that I thought I had made the right decision. I thought I had made the right decision until I saw you the other day and realized that I haven’t been happy since I lost you. I work and I perform and I am not happy. Life fucking sucks without…”
“Leave”, you breathed.
A single small word that stopped Jin’s sentence. Stopped his heart too, you imagined. Because you knew he was aching. He was aching and you were aching and you weren’t quite sure there existed a world out there where you’d have the courage to be with him again. So, you told him to leave again, screamed at him to go until he looked at you one last time from over his shoulder. And then he was gone, and his absence felt wrong.
Everything felt wrong.
You sat on the floor, pulling your legs to your chest as you cried. You cried for the heart that had been broken three years ago, and for the one you were trying to protect today. Because ending things with Jin and not letting him in was the only way you knew that could protect you.
But why did it feel so wrong?
Your crying subsided quicker than you had expected, leaving you feeling drained. Drained from all the happiness you had felt with Jin tonight. And you had felt a lot, because you too hadn’t been happy since you had lost him. You hadn’t been happy for a single moment after him. You had survived, had been content with the life you had been living, but nothing had been able to bring you happiness like Jin had been able to.
Maybe letting him go again was the wrong thing to do. Maybe it felt wrong because you didn’t want to let him go. Only wanted to hold him against you again until your heart forgot it had ever ached.
You were up before the thought had finished forming in your mind, and you ran out of the room. You turned in the hallway and let out a startled shriek as your foot caught in something. You regained footing a second later, and your eyes moved down.
Jin was sitting on the floor, with his legs stretched in front of him. Tears stained his cheeks, and he looked so broken it had a sob forming in your throat again.
You fell to your knees, right next to him, arms wrapping around his neck until you were holding him tight against you. His arms immediately circled your waist, pulling you closer as he buried his face in your neck. He let out a small broken sound as you cried against him and his own tears wet the fabric of your shirt as you kept holding on to him.
“Please don’t leave again”, you breathed against his neck.
“I was not going to leave again.” A sob fell from his mouth, and he held you even tighter. “I don’t want to leave again.”
You nodded against him, nuzzling your face in the warmth of his neck. You didn’t move for a time, as you both cried. Cried for your broken hearts and for the pain that you had put each other through. You weren’t quite sure you’d be able to forgive Jin, but you had to try.
It was all you could think of as you pulled away until you could gaze at his face. At the tears that were still rolling down his cheeks, and at his blood red eyes.
“Don’t cry”, you murmured, and your hands moved to his cheeks so you could dry the tears away.
He chuckled, resting his head against the wall behind him. “You’re crying too.”
“I’m going to kiss you”, you said, ignoring his comment.
You didn’t wait for him to reply before crashing your lips on his. He didn’t even seem startled, and his mouth started to move against yours immediately, right as one of his hands moved up your back until it found the hair at the back of your head. His fingers tangled in your hair right as he turned his head to the side to deepen the kiss.
You kissed him with everything you had in you. With all the pain, all the anger, and all the love that still remained, even after all the hardships. You kissed him as if it was your last day on Earth, until you weren’t quite sure you were breathing anymore. And maybe you had been right, because kissing him felt like it was killing you. Not in a bad way, no, in a way that was making you feel alive again. That made you feel as if you had died and reached heaven.
You’d be damned if you’d leave your heaven.
You ran a hand through his hair, undoing the perfect style, just so you could pull at the long strands a little. He answered by making you straddle him, and he grinded up into you once the moment your legs were on each side of his thighs. You started kissing again then, but it was different. Angrier. Hungrier. Needier.
You’d never get enough of him again.
The hand Jin had tangled in your hair moved down, until he was holding you by the nape of your neck, fingers grazing the side of your neck in that place he knew made you go crazy. You grinded your hips, instinctively, and he took that as a cue to move his hand to your throat, thumb digging on one side while the rest of his fingers pressed on the other side.
You moaned, a little breathlessly, and one of your hands found his neck too. You choked him, just like he was choking you, and he chuckled in the kiss.
“I missed you so much”, he said against your lips before pulling away. He rested his head against the wall once more, and his eyes fluttered open at the same time as yours did. Your grip on his throat relaxed, and your fingers moved until they were caressing his jaw, right as his hand moved back to your waist.
“I missed you too”, you murmured, and a fresh wave of hot tears rolled down your cheeks.
Jin immediately moved to wipe your cheeks dry, hands lingering on your face as he cupped it gently. Your gazes locked, and you just looked at each other for a time, as if time hadn’t torn you apart. As if you had caught up to him in the night that day and had kept him from leaving.
You wondered if you would be married now, had you found him. Had you begged him to stay. You doubted it. There was something different about Jin now, something more mature, something that worked better with what you wanted in a life partner. You had been able to see it all night in his willingness to help, in his wish to clean the dishes before you ate, in the way he had kept the atmosphere light even though it could have fallen into darkness with just a single faux pas.
And the way he was holding you now… it was reassurance. Reassurance that maybe, finally, your struggles had come to an end. That you had found your way back to the place you belonged, by his side. Not behind him, not in his past, but right beside him, with your heart forever beating in sync with his.
The thought had you starting to kiss him again. A sweet and slow kiss, one that did wonders to the organ in your chest. Telling it that everything was fine. That everything would be fine again. Your lips moved slowly together, as if you had all the time in the world. And maybe you did. Maybe now you did.
Jin’s hands fell from your face to your hips, holding you close as yours cupped his face to deepen the kiss. He sighed against you, thumbs running chaotic patterns on the fabric of your pants until they moved up a little to find your skin underneath your shirt. Your breath hitched in your throat, but then again you weren’t quite sure you were breathing at all when Jin was kissing you like that.
This moment made you aware of one thing; all the sleepless nights, all the heartaches, all of it had been worth it now that you knew you’d find your way back to him. And maybe it was too soon to believe that, but your soul felt at ease for the first time in too long. It rendered it hard to think coherent thoughts.
“Do you want to come home with me tonight?” Jin whispered against your lips when you pulled away.
It was all the confirmation you needed.
“Bring me home”, you agreed, resting your forehead against him. “And don’t ever leave again.” You saw his lips stretch in a lazy smile through your half-lidded eyes.
“I will never leave again, I promise”, he murmured.
It made you pull away, and your eyes met. His gaze was lit up from within, corners slightly crinkled from the happiness that was in his heart. You recognized that look and knew better than to shy away from it. You knew it was echoed in your own gaze.
It was a promise of a forever that had been out of reach for so long. A forever you had finally reached, a forever you’d never let slip through your fingers again.
*****
Jin lived at the highest level of a luxurious building that offered a view of Seoul in the night. The city sparkled with life, an ocean of stars that you found hard to look away from. Yet your eyes wandered to the space surrounding you seeing just how much it felt like him. It was simply decorated, with a few plants to bring life and colour to it. Jin’s proudest room was his gaming room, that he had lit up with LED lights and a neon sign from a game you didn’t know. It was a comfortable room with a couch against a wall in front of a large TV and a gaming set-up on the other side of the room. Bookshelves completed the decoration, with games and figurines littering the shelves, and the wide windows on the far wall showed that scenery you hadn’t been able to look away from since Jin had left to go to the bathroom.
You moved away from the window as you heard the familiar pattern of his steps walking back towards you, and he offered you a warm smile as he came into view.
“Why am I not surprised that you’ve wandered in here while I was gone?” he asked, as you both finished crossing the distance between each other.
You wrapped your arms around his waist resting your cheek against his chest as he hugged you closer, before leaving a small kiss on the top of your head.
“This room feels the most like you”, you breathed and his grip around you tightened a little.
“It’s my favourite room too.” He chuckled, and the sound reverberated where your ear touched his chest. “It’s every gamer’s dream.”
It made you laugh a little, as you pulled away to glance at your surroundings again. You hadn’t noticed before, but Jin owned many consoles too, a whole collection of them if you were being honest. From the first console he had probably played to the latest one that could be found on the market, Jin had everything one might dream to have.
“I can see that”, you said, and your eyes stopped on something that piqued your interest. “You have a VR console?” There was excitement in your voice, and Jin laughed again.
You were as cute as he remembered you to be.
“I do.” He looked at it, following your line of vision. “Do you want to try it?”
You pulled away from him to clap your hands excitedly. “Damn right I want to!”
He offered you one of his iconic laughs before moving towards the television to start setting up what was needed to play. You watched him do so, hands digging in your pocket as you rocked back and forth on your feet.
Once everything was ready, Jin handed you the whole thing, setting you up for a game of Beat Saber. The song started, and you rushed to move in the right way, failing after the first few seconds. Jin made fun of you, tickling you as you were unable to see him until you ended as a giggling mess on the floor, limbs entwined until you didn’t know who was who. It didn’t help that your eyes were still covered.
“Wait, stop it!” Jin said as you found his waist, digging your fingers in the tender skin.
You giggled but didn’t stop, up until he grabbed your two hands and put them over your head, before holding them into place with just one hand. He took off the VR headset, and his face came into view. His lips were parted, and your eyes dipped to them, unable to look away.
You had stopped crying a while ago, the high emotions finally leaving you, but to have him hovering over you like that brought you back to earlier, and tears threatened to fill your gaze again.
Jin seemed to notice, because he immediately bent down to press a chaste kiss to your forehead, before meeting your gaze again. His eyes were painted in a sweet light and for a moment you wanted to just grab him and bring him closer. But you didn’t move, and a sweet look took over your features. It didn’t go unnoticed to Jin and he smiled before pecking your lips once.
“My turn”, he said, and he pushed himself up before holding out a hand to help you get up too. He pulled you up to your feet, and you watched as he grabbed the VR headset to adjust it to himself.
“What makes you think you’re going to be any better?” you asked, hands once again finding their way to your pockets.
Only because you were resisting the urge to hold Jin close to you. You’d have plenty of time to hold him later.
Jin threw you a no-bullshit look, before hiding his beautiful eyes behind the VR headset. “Because you were literally trash.”
“You’re annoying, you know that?”
He laughed as you chuckled. “I would apologize but I’m about to literally beat your ass in the game, so…”
“Good luck with that.”
It was ominous, the way you said the words, and it didn’t go unnoticed to Jin. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Nothing”, you replied, trying to instill as much innocence as you could in the small word.
Jin didn’t seem convinced, yet he still started a song. His movements were a lot more fluid than yours, as if he had learned the choreography a while ago and it was ingrained in his muscle memory. You let him play for a time, until you stood behind him. Far enough so he couldn’t tell you were there, but close enough for your treacherous hands to reach forward and tickle his sides.
He let out a loud screech, body flinging itself down as you held onto him, laughing heartily.
“I will kill you”, Jin threatened, and it only made your laugh double up, until you were on the floor next to him holding your stomach as your body shook.
Jin immediately attacked, Beat Sabers’ game long forgotten. His hands found your waist even as his eyes were still hidden behind the headset. And he tickled you hard, almost hard enough to hurt as you squealed and thrashed in his hold. He was far stronger than you and even as you grabbed his shoulders to push him away, Jin didn’t budge, tickling you until you started begging for mercy. He only then stopped, and your giggles slowly turned into heavy breathing as you tried to calm the wild beats of your heart.
Jin took off the headset, putting it down next to where he sat, before running a hand through his long-dishevelled hair. The gel he had used to style his hair earlier hadn’t held, but still he looked ethereal, like your brain was imagining him there.
To know he was as real as he would ever be had your heart constricting in your chest, so hard you sat up and grabbed his face to pull him into your embrace. He only slightly resisted, startled by your quick movements, but as soon as your lips found his, he relaxed in your arms, kissing you back with all the fire in his heart.
Jin tasted good. Like your favourite dessert after a long day. His hands roamed your body, pulling you closer until you were straddling him, as you held onto his shoulders for dear life. His lips were soft, like a flower’s petal, and they moved against yours hungrily, as if he couldn’t get enough of the taste of you. You let one of your hands wander up until it got lost in his long hair, with your fingers massaging his scalp the way you knew he liked.
The kiss was intense, with no place for breathing as you parted your lips and his tongue immediately darted forward, so your tongues were moving together. It made a small moan bubble up at the back of your throat, and Jin swallowed it as his grip on your waist tightened, fingers digging in the tender skin.
Right when you thought you would die from asphyxia, Jin pulled away, resting his forehead against yours. You breathed raggedly for a time, eyes closed as you basked in the proximity of him. Until he moved a little, and it had your conscience zeroing in on the spot where your body touched his, right between your legs. You forgot how to breathe for a moment then, as you instinctively grinded your hips on the length of the bulge in his pants.
His tight grip on your waist loosened up, hands falling to your hips so he could guide your movements. He made you grind on him again, as he pushed up a little, the glorious size of him pressing against your clothed self.
“Jin”, you breathed.
“I missed you so fucking much”, he replied and the end of his sentence was overshadowed by another small moan from you.
With lust clouding your mind, you found yourself unable to process if sleeping with Jin was a good idea. All you wanted was to feel him again, to hold him close until you’d be two moaning messes. From the way the bulge in his pants pressed against you, you knew he wanted the same thing. So, you captured his lips in another long kiss, teeth clashing together, and it was your turn to swallow the small breathy sound Jin let out.
When you pulled away, you opened your eyes, trying to find Jin’s gaze. His eyes remained stubbornly close, and you grabbed his cheeks, thumbs drawing circles on his skin.
“Please fuck me, Jin”, you whispered. His eyelids fluttered open, until your gaze found his dilated pupils. “Please fuck me like you never stopped loving me.”
His eyes went wide for half a second, before going dark with his lust for you. “I never stopped loving you”, he breathed, and it somehow sounded like a promise.
You didn’t have time to think more about it as he crashed his lips on yours again, sucking on your bottom lip until you let out a moan. Heat pooled at your core and you knew you were soaking up your panties by the seconds.
It wasn’t like you cared.
Jin moved, grabbing your back to hold you close before lying you on the floor, until he was hovering over you. You drank in the sight of him for a fraction of a second, but your eyelids shut tightly as he kissed you again. You ran a hand along his back as he nestled himself between your legs. He wrapped your legs around his waist before deciding better and hooking one on his arm until he had you spread wide open for him. He only then grinded into you again, hitting your clit in a way that had you see stars.
You pulled on his dress shirt, so it wasn’t tucked in his pants anymore allowing you free access to the warm skin of his back. You ran your nails on his skin, drawing shapes and lines for him to remember you, though you didn’t put a lot of pressure, not wanting to hurt him.
It didn’t matter that you knew Jin liked the pain. You didn’t feel like defiling his perfect skin just yet.
“Fuck”, Jin breathed in between two kisses. It made you smirk, only leading him to utter the small curse aloud again, right as he pulled away to take his shirt off.
Your eyes went down his frame, barely registering the chain around his neck. The sight of him was almost enough to make you go over the edge. Indeed, Jin had been working out, in the years you had spent apart. Body perfectly sculpted like he was a Greek sculpture, and you ran your hungry hands on the planes of him, fingers tracing his lines. He observed you, basking in the heat of your gaze on him, until he had enough and needed to feel your lips against his swollen ones again.
The kiss was short yet filled with desire and passion as Jin’s hands found their way to your breasts under your shirt. He squeezed them through your bra until he decided better and moved underneath that last bit of fabric, fingers tightening around your hardened nipples.
“Jin”, you breathed against his lips.
“Sit up”, he ordered as he kneeled between your legs. You obeyed, and he immediately took your shirt off before sliding his hands around your back so he could unhook your bra. It brought his neck close to your lips and you kissed at his skin, sucking on it just a little. Not enough to leave a mark, but enough to have him squirm between your legs.
You could tell Jin loved it as he arched his neck giving you a better access right as your bra came undone. You took that as a cue to reach up, hand wrapping around the perfect column of his throat, squeezing just enough to cut his access to air. You sucked on his neck again then, right on the spot you remembered he loved, and he let out a choked sound that you recognized as a moan.
When you let go of his neck, Jin took in a sharp inhale of air before letting out a small chuckle. It made you smile, and your gazes locked for a second.
“Let’s go to my room before things get out of hand”, Jin said, offering you a grin that made you think things were already out of hand.
You refrained from saying so, only nodding your head to him. And even though you thought it’d be awkward to be shirtless next to him again, his warm hand wrapping around yours as he helped you up eased your nerves. You followed him to his room, letting your eyes roam on the skin of his back, from his broad shoulders down to the small tattoo of a seven. The tattoo surprised you, its black ink a stark contrast with the pale skin. You had never seen it before, but its simple style and size fit Jin well, like it had always been meant to be there.
“You have a tattoo now?” you enquired.
He nodded, glancing at you over his shoulder as you walked in his bedroom. “We all got a seven, yeah.”
Right. A seven for the seven members of BTS. It was endearing, that they had all gotten it tattooed, and it made a warm smile move on your lips.
Jin’s bedroom was simple, decorated with light furniture and a plant in a corner. He had hung up a pale painting over the bed, one you had seen many times before in the apartment you had shared with him. To see it again felt strange for a time, as if you had come home to a home that was slightly different. As if things were a little out of place, yet fit the picture perfectly.
And that was what it was. You were coming home to a man that had changed in the years apart, yet his heart still beat for you. The love had remained while the hate you both had felt at the end of your relationship was long gone, replaced with nostalgia and regret.
But tonight wasn’t about regretting. Tonight was about finding each other again after way too long apart.
Jin led you to his bed, letting go of your hand as you sat so he could reach for condoms in his nightstand. You watched him do so, hands instinctively covering your breasts. Jin glanced at you, lips spreading in a smirk as he noticed you hiding from his eyes.
“Don’t hide, your body is as perfect as I remember it to be.”
The compliment brought a light flush to your cheeks, but your hands didn’t move. Jin tutted, before putting down the condom he had fished from a box on the nightstand. He then moved closer to you, grabbing your hands and pulling them away from your breasts.
“I want to see you”, he said, voice low and husky. “I haven’t been able to see you for too long and my imagination couldn’t compare.”
Simple words, treacherous words, that had even more heat pooling between your legs.
“Well then come in this bed with me and make me forget that we ever broke up.”
His smirk only widened and he motioned to the pillows. “Make some room for me.”
You obeyed, ever so the good girl when it came to Jin. He followed you as you moved until your back was against the pillows. He kneeled in front of you catching your lips in a long kiss as his hands moved on your body, caressing your breasts until your nipples were perked again.
“So pretty”, he whispered against your lips, before sitting back on his heels to look at you properly. “Always so fucking pretty.”
You blushed again, but didn’t have time to reply before he started undoing the button of your pants. You watched him do so, eyes following his every move, and you finally helped him take off your pants once he started tugging them down your thighs. Before he had a chance to settle between your legs again, you moved to his belt, pulling on it to indicate that you wanted it off.
“You’re so impatient.” Jin chuckled but started undoing his belt nonetheless.
“I haven’t fucked since before we broke up so yeah, I’m a little impatient.”
Jin stilled, eyes searching your face for yours. When your gazes locked, you noticed a dark light in his eyes. Regret, entwined with all the nostalgia you had been feeling since the night you had seen him at the gazebo.
“You… what?”
You shied away from the intensity of his gaze, eyes falling on the spot where his abs started on his torso. “I just couldn’t.” You bit at your lower lip before shrugging your shoulders. “It doesn’t really matter.”
Jin let go of his belt to grab your cheeks, forcing you to meet his gaze again. “It matters to me.” He looked between your two eyes, as if wanting to make sure you were listening to every word he was about to say. “It matters to me and I will take my time with you tonight. You deserve it. I don’t know if I deserve it, but fuck, you do.”
His words were almost enough to bring tears to your eyes, but you refused to let sadness overpower your senses again. You instead focused on every place where your body was touching Jin’s, and on the warmth that was radiating from him.
“I just want you”, you breathed, and Jin slowly nodded.
“Oh, you’ll have all of me, I promise.”
It meant more. You knew it meant more and only understood why when you noticed the chain around his neck. In all the previous heat, you hadn’t seen it, but the chain ended between his two pecks, with the ring you had given him when you had gotten engaged.
You looked down at your own chest, and at the chain you were also wearing. Chain that ended with your own ring.
You wondered if Jin had noticed before you. Because you were so used to wearing the necklace, never taking it off, that you didn’t even see it anymore. And you felt stupid, for not seeing it around Jin’s neck before. For not knowing that he too had kept the proof of your love close to his heart, where it deserved to be.
“All of you?” you asked.
“Forever.”
You would have cried had he not kissed you again. A sweet slow kiss that calmed the ache in your chest until all you knew was your desire for him. For his body and soul, for his heart and the smile he always offered you first thing in the morning. Even when the relationship had been bad, Jin had always found the time to smile at you when your eyes first fluttered open.
You had been a fool to let that go.
Jin deepened the kiss, tilting his head to the side, and your tongue darted out of your mouth to taste his lips again. He sighed, and one of his hands moved down your frame, caressing your sides until he found his way between your legs. His touch was light over your panties, yet your breath hitched in your throat and you pulled away to look at him.
“You’re drenched”, he said, and his eyes fell to where his hand was touching you.
He pressed down harder right on your clit and you let out a small moan.
“Just for you”, you breathed.
He smirked, before slapping your pussy. “Such a good fucking girl.”
And just like that the atmosphere returned to its previous heat, nostalgia and regret long forgotten as Jin pushed your panties aside so nothing stood between his digits and your pussy anymore. He rolled circles on your clit with two fingers, pressing down just the way you liked it, until you became a panting mess, pussy clenching around nothing. Only then did he let his fingers wander down, circling around your entrance before pushing one finger in.
You grabbed his shoulders, head throwing back as he curled his finger until it hit your g-spot. It had you see stars, and your pussy clenched around him.
“You’re so tight”, he breathed.
You nodded, eyes tightly shut, as he pushed a second finger in. He gave you a second to adjust, before starting to move, slowly, fingers pushing in and out of you. It made a squelching sound, from how wet you were, and it sounded pornographic. Felt pornographic too, as Jin locked his lips on a spot beneath your ear, sucking on the skin until he had drawn a hickey there. He only then started moving faster between your legs, and his thumb found your clit as your hand found his hair, pulling at it until he was looking at you.
You looked down at his lips and he seemed to get the clue, closing the space between you as he kissed you. And he kissed you hard, soft lips swallowing every moan that you let out as he fingered you, increasing the speed every now and then until you could feel an orgasm forming on the horizon of your desire. Your thighs clenched around his wrist as you moaned a little harder, and he used his other hand to push them open again.
He pulled away from the kiss then, to take one look at your writhing frame, and then he bent down between your thighs. His tongue darted out to replace his thumb on your clit and the feeling of it had your eyes rolling to the back of your head.
“I’m going to come soon”, you said, last word turning into a moan as your pussy once again clenched around Jin’s fingers. He only started moving faster, as if he had kept the best for the last second before your orgasm would find you. And it did find you, right as he started sucking on your clit, tongue flicking it in time with his fingers.
You came hard, white light flashing into your vision as you were swallowed by the waves of pleasure. Jin rode you through your high, slowing down as it inched towards its end. When the last of it finally left you, his fingers pulled out, pushing in one final time before leaving you empty. He looked at you, waiting for your eyes to meet his. When you finally focused on his face, Jin pressed a chaste kiss on your forehead before moving to get up.
“Where are you going?” you asked.
He smirked. “Nowhere.” And as he said the word he finished taking off his pants and underwear, and they met the discarded clothes on the floor a second later.
Your eyes moved down to his dick that stood proudly against his lower stomach from how hard it was. It looked just as beautiful as you remembered, and just as big too. The head was red, violently so, as if it was about to burst and frankly, you were pretty sure Jin felt like that too. Like he was going to burst any minute now. And he winced as he put the condom on, as if it hurt him to do so, the friction teasing the sensitive organ.
You waited for him on the bed, watching him carefully, until he climbed back next to you. “On your stomach”, he ordered.
Once again, you obeyed him, turning around until you were lying on your stomach. Jin straddled you, his dick resting on your ass. He massaged your cheeks, before leaving a slap that had the skin tingle with welcomed pain.
“I missed this sight so fucking much, Y/n, you have no idea”, he said, voice so low you barely heard it. And then he was pulling away, his dick sliding against your ass until it found your entrance between your legs. “Let me know if I hurt you”, he gently said, and then he pushed forward, his dick penetrating you, stretching you open.
It burned and you clenched against him, hiding your face in the pillow.
“Are you okay?” Jin enquired, stopping halfway in.
You nodded, remaining silent as your hands held onto the covers of Jin’s bed. He still waited, giving you time to adjust before pushing in again, until all of him was embedded into you. He didn’t move for a long time then, eyes shut as he too took in the feeling of you. It was only when you moved your hips a little, telling him that you were ready that Jin started pulling out, only to push back in when only his tip was left inside of you.
You moaned, gripping the sheets harder, head turning so you could get a look of Jin’s face. His brows were knit together, lips parted as he fucked you slow, hands holding onto your hips. He caught your gaze, features relaxing ever so slightly. A wicked light moved in his eyes then, and he bent forward, the angle having him hit your g-spot each time he pushed in.
You breathed his name, and it sent all of his restraint down the drain as he started pounding into you, balls slapping against your clit with each move he made. It made you see stars, and your eyes shut as you let out a loud moan, right when his hand found your throat.
“Fuck”, you let out, and his fingers tightened around your throat, until the blood flow to your brain stopped and all your body could feel was the burning stretch of him inside of you. The deprivation of oxygen had your mouth falling open, and Jin moaned as you clenched against him hard before an orgasm hit you. He let go of your throat then, letting you breath as you moaned his name repeatedly. Your pussy clenched against him with each wave of your orgasm and soon enough Jin let out a grunt as his face fell on your shoulder, teeth digging into your skin as he came, releasing his load in the condom. You helped him through his high, moving your hips in time with his until he stopped moving altogether, teeth letting go of your skin. He kissed the spot he had bitten, before kissing the side of your face.
“I’m sorry”, he apologized.
Your eyes fluttered open, searching for his face. “What for?”
“I’m sorry I left”, he said, and there was a sudden tear rolling down his cheek. “And I’m sorry I only lasted a few minutes.”
You didn’t hear his second sentence, your whole world having stopped on the first one. “Don’t be. You came back.”
“I still love you so much”, he admitted. He pulled out of you, before lying down on the bed next to you. “I think I love you even more now.”
There were tears blurring your vision too as you turned on your side so you could face him. “I haven’t stopped loving you either.”
“Do you think we could work this time around?” he asked, vulnerability taking over his features.
And even though your mind was still clouded with the afterglow of the passion you had just shared, you knew the answer as if it was a rule of the universe.
“Yes, we can”, you said. “We can and we will.”
“You still want me?” He seemed as if he didn’t believe you, as if he thought he didn’t deserve you. You were pretty sure he felt like that, and as much as you had tried to hate him for so long, you hadn’t been able to. Jin had always been your one, and always would be.
“Forever, remember?”
*****
The rays of the sun twirled in the air from the window in the high ceiling forming a small rectangle of light on the floor. Your mind focused on it as all eyes followed your every move. You could barely see the plants decorating the venue even though you had spent hours choosing which ones you’d like. There was a small crack in the floor where the light hit it and you carefully avoided it as you walked forward with only the sound of your beating heart as music to accompany the march down the aisle.
You were pretty sure there was music playing, but all your senses had given up on you when you had seen Jin waiting for you at the end of the aisle. You couldn’t even feel the weight of your father’s hand on your arm, or the fabric of your dress brushing your skin.
No, all there was was the man you loved waiting for you at the end of the aisle.
You continued walking in sync with the beats of your heart. Jin had tears in his eyes and he wiped one of them from his cheek as you moved closer, gazes laced in an intimate embrace. It didn’t matter that your mother had invited a whole crowd to the wedding. It was like you and Jin were alone in your own little world.
It was perfect.
Your father gave you away to Jin, speaking words of tradition that you could barely hear as you watched Jin. He was beautiful today, with perfectly styled hair and bright eyes, Jin was the most beautiful man in the world. In your world. When it was time to turn towards the celebrant, Jin whispered ‘hi’ to you, and it was all you could do not to burst into tears right then and there.
Tears of joy, of course.
You said your vows, following a westernized version of a wedding, though you were to celebrate it in a more traditional way later today, with you changing in a hanbok along with Jin’s mother and your own. It was something you had always wanted; a modern wedding, completely separated from the traditional wedding your parents had wished you to have. Something so everyone would be pleased. And it wasn’t like the ceremonies were long; with everything going down perfectly, you knew you’d be out by the end of the afternoon.
You couldn’t wait for the evening. For this first evening as husband and wife and the honeymoon that Jin had planned for you both.
“I do”, Jin spoke the words, bringing you back to reality.
You repeated the words when you had to, before finishing the ceremony with a kiss that ended with you and Jin gazing at each other.
A promise of forever was lighting his eyes now. It had been lighting his eyes for the whole of your relationship if you were being honest. Even when things had been rough, Jin still had that light in his eyes. You had just become blind to it, mind closed off to the man you loved.
You would never let that happen again. And your relationship did work now. Smoothly and perfectly, as if you had never hit a bump in the road at all. You knew it’d stay that way forever. Because that was what Jin and you were. A representation of what forever meant. Love, in its purest form, knitting two hearts together until it was one, beating forever in unison.
Until death do us apart.
The ceremonies went well, families and friends smiling and shedding happy tears with you. The BTS boys sang a song for their older brother, one that had you cry from how much you loved them too. Your little brothers that you had finally found again after years apart. The reunion had taken place a few weeks before the wedding. It had been happy in a sad way, with you and Jungkook crying as you had hugged. Even Yoongi had shed a tear and you had held him a little longer while his girlfriend had offered you a sweet smile over his shoulder.
It was strange to see all of them with their significant others, yet it had filled you with pride. They had all grown up, had become men and adults, and even though you still remembered the days of their first dorm, of the fights and happy moments, you were glad that they had grown. That they’d keep growing in the arms of the person they loved.
After the ceremonies you made your way home with Jin. Hand in hand, souls entwined, you walked into the home you shared with him now. You had moved back in with Jin in the weeks following your reunion and had decided to get married as soon as possible, just waiting for a break in his schedule so you could take a few weeks off, just the two of you away from the rest of the world. Jin had planned to bring you to Jeju island and then you were supposed to go to Europe, road tripping the continent.
You were excited for the honeymoon, but you were mostly excited to spend some time alone with Jin. To spend the rest of your life by his side and to have children that you’d raise together. Knowing you were going to get to spend the rest of your life with him was the most beautiful feeling in this world.
“Wife”, Jin said as he held the door open for you.
You gazed at his lovesick eyes, “Husband.”
He grinned, warmth spreading in the air surrounding him. “Wife”, he repeated. He then chuckled, looking down at the floor. “I can’t believe I get to call you wife.”
You walked in, pulling him in behind you. “Can’t believe I get to call you husband.”
“Finally.” He winked at you, before pressing a soft kiss to your lips.
You kissed him back, hands running along his arms before they found the nape of his neck. Your fingers played with his hair, as his hands held your hips.
“Finally”, you agreed as you pulled away.
He pressed a kiss on your forehead as your eyes fluttered open.
“You are mine”, he breathed. “My wife.”
“My husband.”
“Forever?” His question held the world in it. As if it was more a statement than a question. As if he was asking the universe, and not you. Yet you knew the answer, knew he was your forever too.
“Forever.”
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Wow, I hope you loved it! a long read once again but it seems I can’t do anything else than that hahaha
Don’t hesitate to leave some reviews, it always helps me with writing!
If you want to read the other establishments in the Life Goes On series, just follow this link!
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@chimchimmarie |
#btswritersclub#forever#kim seokjin#kim seokjin smut#kim seokjin angst#kim seokjin fluff#kim seokjin fanfic#kim seokjin fic#kim seokjin fanfiction#kim seokjin ff#kim seokjin x reader#kim seokjin x you#ksj#ksj smut#ksj angst#ksj fluff#ksj fanfic#ksj fanfiction#ksj fic#ksj x reader#ksj x you#jin fanfiction#jin smut#jin fanfic#jin fic#jin angst#jin fluff#jin x reader#jin x you#life goes on
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Yearning | ksj.
↳ Pairing: kim seokjin x fem!reader
↳ Genre: smut, fluff, light angst
↳ Au(s): established relationship
↳ Word Count: 2.7k
↳ Rating: 18+
↳ Warning: Unprotected sex (please please PLEASE use a condom), cursing, slightly posessive Jin, anal, missionary, cowgirl, countertop sex, light choking, creampie, masturbation, brief mention of reader thinking Jin is cheating, dom!Jin, sub!reader (you know what? THIS might be the dirtiest fic I've written 🤭)
↳ Summary: It's a Girls' Night Out for you, and you can't wait... until Jin wants you to stay home with him. In the heat of the moment, you say some things that he ends up getting word of.
↳ a/n: Loveries I'm back! I missed writing alot, but I'm glad that I was able to regain my passion for after this past month of being somewhat active. I was working as well, so that played a factor into it, but now I'm enjoying the last bit of summer. Thank you to the lovely @releasethypen for making this banner for my "comback" fic hehe. Enjoy!
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"Baby, can you do a time check for me real quick?" you called out to your boyfriend, who was currently relaxing on the couch.
"It's… 6:12." Seokjin responded, looking at his watch.
You had just finished crimping your hair for the evening. It was a special occasion for you, since your best friend Chaeyeon called to catch up.
The dress you picked out for the outing was a lovely shade of light purple and the matching nail set made you feel on top of the world. The only thing missing was your heels, which miraculously were nowhere to be found.
You walked out from the bedroom and Seokjin almost made a double take as he took in your body.
"Wow, Y/N! You look… wow!" he was at a loss for words seeing you in the latex bodycon dress.
"That dress is awfully short just for a night out with the girls, don't you think?"
You playfully rolled your eyes at this notion before continuing.
"Seokjin, I haven't seen Chae in a while. She's my best friend in the world and you know this." putting your hands on your hips.
"You could at least change into something that doesn't show off what's mine." he says, gesturing to your breasts that were practically spilling out of the top of the dress.
You've become accustomed to your boyfriend's more needy side, whether you were going to work or just going down the hall, he'd become pouty.
"Jinnie… I won't be gone too long and I'll be back before you know it." you bring his hand into yours, pressing a kiss to his knuckles.
"I won't be out for long if I could find my shoes. Have you seen them anywhere?" you ask.
"You mean these?" Seokjin gestures to the strappy heels tucked comfortably between his elbow and the couch pillow.
You were about to lean in to grab them until he stood up and held them over his head.
"I knew you were going to the club, but I didn't expect it to be a strip club!" he shook his head with fake disappointment that he only he could manage to convey.
"Oh please! These are not stripper heels, you bought these, remember?" you laughed, trying to jump up to retrieve the shoes.
"I did, but for my eyes only… in our bedroom." Seokjin holding his gaze to yours, laughing on seeing you run around barefoot to catch him.
"You have impeccable taste, baby. I just want to give Chaeyeon a glimpse of how lucky I am." you lean forward to press a kiss to his lips.
"Now give me back my shoes." you smirk, watching him begrudgingly hand them to you.
"You're so mean to me." you said, putting on your heels in the process.
"But you know you love it!" he retorts, blowing a kiss in your direction as you walk out the apartment doors.
The empty hallway (or so you thought) was only encompassed by the sound of your heels making contact with the tile floor. The looming presence over you soon becomes more present once you reach the elevator.
You pressed the button, waiting for the door to open when two hands grab onto your waist. Fear briefly washed over, until you turned around seeing your tall boyfriend.
"Y/N, wait! I have to tell you something." Seokjin half yells before pressing his body against yours.
His hard on became more pronounced as his hands slid up and down your curves. Licking his lips, he leans in closer to your ear.
"Make sure to get a cosmopolitan just for me, baby." he slightly giggles, watching goosebumps arise along his arms where his hand found solace.
The ding of the elevator brought you back to reality and you soon walked into the small space, giving Seokjin ample time to smack your butt as he turned in the opposite direction.
The club atmosphere made you feel alive. People dancing, laughing, and having a good time as your conversation with Chaeyeon flowed.
"I can't believe he actually said that." she laughed, hearing you recount the time you pranked your boyfriend by putting spicy peppers in his food.
"His face was so red too, like fire engine red." you double over in laughter at the memory.
"Like Chaer Mafia in the morning era red?" Chaeyeon smiled, covering her mouth.
"More like… you Panorama era red." you say causing her own cheeks to turn the same shade as you described.
"Speaking of Chaer, how is she?" you questioned, regarding her nearly identical, slightly younger sister.
"Why don't you ask her yourself?" she responds, signaling to the freshly raven haired girl coming from the bathroom.
"Long time, no see, Y/N!" Chaeryeong says, giving you a hug before sliding into the booth with Chaeyeon.
"Almost too long. I love your hair!" she smiles and flips it over her shoulder.
"Thanks! How are things going with you?" she asks.
You explain your recent promotion at work and recently moving in with Seokjin to both Lee sisters feeling the night further wind down once Chaeyeon speaks up again.
"Did Jin have any problems with you coming out tonight?" she wonders, biting her lip as she believes her statement has crossed unnecessary territory, earning a look from Chaeryeong.
"Not really, but ever since I moved in, it's like he constantly wants me at the house with him at all times." you rub your temples, suppressing laughter.
"He's been a bit clingy and needy lately too, but not where he'll become angry whenever I go out. Seokjin wants to play it off like he's not taken aback by me going out sometimes, but I guess it's the companionship." your fingernails tapped along the table, causing more silence between the three of you.
"You know… he even hid my heels right before I came here." lighting the mood a little, both sisters burst out laughing.
"Classic Jin, huh?" Chaeryeong tilts her head back, putting her fist down on the table while Chaeyeon puts her head down hysterically.
You felt your phone buzz from your lap, unlocking it to see the notification you received: a missed call from Seokjin 5 minutes ago and an ongoing call that had just ended.
"Umm… I think I might have butt, er… lap dialed Jin and he overheard our conversation." you look down with guilt only imagining what his reaction on the other line was.
"I guess it's about time to call it a night." Chaeyeon breaks the silence, getting up to bid you both a farewell.
"Hope to see you soon, Y/N." Chaeryeong waves, leaving in an instant.
Your head was still pounding from the loud music and smell of alcohol that flushed your nose those two hours that were consumed in the club.
The sleep in your eye made an appearance as you took the elevator back up to your floor. You felt more guilt ping inside of you from the accidental call earlier.
You soon walked down the hall to your front door, stopping when you heard faint sounds coming from the other side. Moans could be heard and your heart almost broke in an instant.
It was wrong for you to talk about Seokjin behind his back, but you couldn't have imagined that it would result in him cheating, let alone so soon.
Opening the door in an instant, you were shocked at the sight of your boyfriend in nothing but boxers, hand inside of them, jerking off lazily.
"Seokjin, what the hell are you doing on the floor with your hand in your boxers?" you folded your arms, confused at the situation.
"Look what your stripper heels did to me." he said sarcastically, not even looking at you directly.
Part of you wanted to go straight to bed and forget all of this in the morning, but the other part wanted to sink down on his member.
"If you had stayed home honey, you could have taken care of this big problem right here." Seokjin remarks, finally returning your gaze.
"Why don't I just help you right now?" you utter, trying and failing to not sound desperate.
"Ehh… not really feeling up to it. Besides, I'm an independent man who can pleasure himself." Seokjin pulls his boxers further down, allowing his manhood to appear fully.
"Or should I say clingy and needy? Is that right, baby?" your face falls listening to him use your own words against you.
"Jin… baby… I shouldn't have said that to Chae and Chaer, but it feels like you want me under your watch at any given opportunity." you bite your lip in anguish.
"You know what? Let's both drop this and go to bed before we end up more frustrated." Seokjin was about to pull his boxers back on, until you got on your knees in front of him.
He always made it a point that it was not healthy for either of you to go to bed angry as unaddressed feelings would carry on to the next day. You took his hand into yours, leaving the underwear at mid-thigh range.
"I'm truly sorry, Jin. I should have talked to you about how I was feeling before bringing anyone else into the situation." you try to steady your words, but your voice wavers as you continue.
"When I heard you through the door, I thought you were with another woman and I couldn't stand the thought of you being with someone else." Seokjin brought his thumb up to your cheek to catch a stray tear that was falling down.
"No, no, no! We may have our disagreements, but never in a million years would I ever entertain the idea of cheating on you, Y/N." He brings his hands down to your waist, bunching the latex at your torso.
"I love you so much that I can confidently say I'm in love with you." your boyfriend looks for permission to bring the dress over your body, you nodding in an instant.
"Why don't you show me how much you love me?" you smile tentatively, taking off your bra and panties instantly.
You reached down to take off your heels, until Seokjin stopped your actions.
"Keep the stripper heels on." he smiles eagerly, throwing his boxers on the floor somewhere.
Seokjin could write an entire essay on how much he loved your body, but seeing you on your knees right in front of him made it feel like a dream.
He pulls up on the couch, leaving one leg off for support. You watch as he sits up from this position, reaching out to bring you in closer to him.
You took your place hovering over his member, ever so slightly grazing the tip between your folds. It was a bit of a challenge working around with shoes on, but you made room with the space between Seokjin's legs providing some leeway.
Gathering some spit onto your hand, you began pumping his shaft, before sinking down onto his manhood, watching as he moaned out as adjusting to your warmth clenching around him.
"Feels so good, Y/N." Seokjin remarks, watching you begin your movements on top of him.
You rock your hips up and down at an achingly slow pace as your blissed out boyfriend snaked his hands over your body, finally reaching your supple breasts.
"Just seeing you on top with those heels on could make me burst on the spot." he laughed a little, squeezing your chest in the process.
"Guess it's safe to say you like them, huh?" you teased, continuing your movements on top of him as his eyes closed shut.
His thrusts combined with your bouncing made some of the most pornographic and sloppy noises you've ever heard. If this is what heaven felt like, you never wanted to leave.
"Oh shit! Jin, don't stop!" you lean back, watching him slide in and out of your body.
"I don't plan too, gorgeous." Seokjin licked his lips, concentrating on thighs, putting a firm grip on the area.
When you felt like your orgasm was about to come on, he started to slow down, ultimately pulling out of you.
"Is this supposed to be further punishment from earlier? Why did you stop?" you pout at the loss of contact.
"Let's try a change of scenery." Seokjin got up, grabbing you by the end to walk towards the kitchen island.
"Lay your hands on the counter." you didn't hesitate at the command, putting both hands on the flat surface.
Your boyfriend grabbed your waist, bending your hips at an angle where your butt stuck out right in front of him.
He placed the tip of his member once more inside of you, watching you grip on the finely carved marble. Your cheek laid flat on top as he continued where you both left off.
Even when Seokjin intended to be rougher during sex, he always made sure that he never took it too far and that you felt comfortable with anything he initiated. The thrusts were medium paced and the feeling of skin slapping made the feeling better.
"This feels good, does it? You're enjoying this, baby?" you failed to respond to his question as you were so entranced in the moment, you couldn't form words directly.
He grabbed one of your legs, placing it on the neighboring table alongside as to get a better angle. Then, reaching around to grab your breasts, taking time to pinch your nipples.
"J-Jin… I don't think I'll b-" Seokjin stops his movements again, signaling you to turn around and face him.
"You think you can get on top of the island?" he tapped onto the surface, watching you climb on top, just enough for your bottom half to reach off of it.
Bracing your elbows for support, he thrusted inside of you at a much slower pace. You moaned out, letting him trail his hand up and down your stomach, finally reaching your mouth.
"As much as I love fucking you, I want to make love tonight." Seokjin says, instinctively placing his thumb inside, watching you suck it.
Cliche or not, you adored whenever he would take his time with you in the moment. Being the natural romantic he is, making sure you felt loved at any given opportunity was a must.
"You're so good to me!" you grasped his wrist, putting it on your neck.
Seokjin lightly squeezed the sides, not wanting to cut off any oxygen. His member began to twitch inside you, signaling his impending release.
"You want me to shoot my load inside you, baby?" he cooed.
"Or would you like it inside your mouth?" you shake your head furiously, not wanting him to lose contact with your body any time soon.
Seokjin jerks off , gathering enough momentum to spill his seed into you. He slowly pulls out and watches as the clear liquid oozes from you.
"Let's get you cleaned up." he says, helping you off the countertop to get a rag to clean your body.
The both of you were sweaty and out of breath, letting your exhaustion take over. Your boyfriend walks towards the bathroom about to relax and wind down for the night when you follow him close behind.
"Seokjin, I really am sorry about calling you clingy earlier." you remind him, not shaking the words out of your mind.
"It's okay, Y/N. Just remember to talk to me if there's any problems, especially if you want me to ease off." he says as the water begins to fill up the tub while he continues speaking.
"I'm so happy that we're living together now and I get to be with you all the time, that I guess it took a step forward into me wanting you all to myself." Seokjin explains.
"Baby, I love you and I enjoy spending time with you, but there'll be times I want to spend with friends or to myself." you respond, yawning immediately.
"How about we go out this weekend to the market or maybe for lunch?" he looks for any sign of rejection, only for you to smile and kiss him.
"Of course." the two of you step into the bath together, rubbing soap into each other's bodies.
The time in the bath soon ends, watching you start to doze off once the water drains, Seokjin leads you to the bedroom. Curling up together, you soon drift off to sleep.
© gyupremacy, 2022. All rights reserved.
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#btshoneyhive#btscarnivalnet#wkcnet#kim seokjin smut#kim seokjin fluff#kim seokjin angst#kim seokjin imagine#jin smut#jin fluff#jin angst#jin imagine#bts smut#bts fluff#bts imagine#gyupremacy
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Trade my Life | KSJ
~summary: once, you were just two children giggling in the corner of the dojang, trading equally in punches and hugs, everything a game. but that was long ago, and now that man stands day after day outside the door which separates your two worlds. is the throne really worth leaving the barrier unbroken?
~pairing: bodyguard!seokjin x royalty!reader
~word count: 2.3k
~genre: angst, fluff, action, historical au, childhood friends to lovers, secret/forbidden love
~rating: nc17
~warnings: non-sexual nudity, non-sexual intimacy, nothing explicit, jin calls the reader ‘princess’ but she literally is so
note: the next part may well have other warnings relating to violence/fighting; this chapter only contains sparring in training
~a/n: welcome to my contribution for the catch of the century collab to celebrate our lovely Jin’s birthday!! how I miss himm already.. if you also do, you can check out the other amazing works in this collab, all featuring jin getting up to some sporty shenanigans!
I’ve been sick lately and haven’t quite managed to write everything I had in mind. while this part of the story can be read as a standalone, it will also be part 1 of 2 for Trade my Life - there is more action planned on the way!! let me know if you want to see more/want to be tagged in the next part!
lastly, if you know anything about taekwondo, you know more than me!! I consulted with some friends and our good buddy the internet to write this, and didn’t want to get too technical. but don’t judge me too much if it’s all wrong🤣
enjoy the story and shoot a comment my way if you do, it always means a lot💜
Sitting silently on your stool, your eyes followed the palace woman out of the door. She paused in the doorway, bowing to the guard on duty before turning to slide it closed, leaving you alone. Her eyes remained dipped, not meeting yours.
A moment passed, her footsteps retreating.
She had just helped remove your hair from its low knot, the pins now laid out below your mirror stand. Little did she know as she reverently brushed out your strands, you had no intention of keeping them so tidy.
With a sigh, you eyed the doorway, the silhouette of your guard still visible through the lattice.
Pressing your hands to your knees, you stood swiftly, without a noise. You had seen to it that you had been seen in your night clothes, and now you padded across to the bed, bent to extinguish the lights.
The room dimming, only a small candle at your bedside remained.
Instead of slipping under your covers, you simply bent to retrieve it, taking care not to jostle the small flame as you trod steadily back across the space.
Back at the dresser, you slid a drawer open, fishing out a simple leather tie. Pulling your hair back, you fastened it at the nape of your neck without needing to check in the small mirror.
Next, to the wardrobe. Quietly pulling it open, you ignored the rich colours and silk of your hanboks, pushing them aside while your fingers search with practised ease in the near darkness only stopping when they reach the slight bump in the wood.
Pressing down, you let the secret compartment unlock and open under your touch.
Set into the base, concealed well, was a small well. Of all the secret things you could have stashed there, the sole thing taking up the space is a neatly folded white garment. Hands falling on the cloth at last, you pull it out and shake it open.
Your dobok.
This may not be the kind of possession one would expect a princess to treasure so dearly as you did. But as you pulled it on, you feel yourself begin to relax, body filling with a confident anticipation.
All that was left was to wait. Hopefully it wouldn’t be long; Jin was never late.
Blowing out the candle, you crept back over to your bed and sat. You could hardly keep yourself from the edge, but forced yourself to sit straight and breathe, willing patience into your restless body.
Before too long, there was movement. It wasn’t loud, not in the least, but among the stuffy silence, unbudging as ever in the castle at night, you caught it clearly enough.
The guards were changing.
Your door muffled the mumbling of pleasantries and soft footfall, and the vague sounds soon ceased. In the room lit only by waning moonlight, you practically held your breath. Waiting the necessary time, though it was time you hated to waste simply sitting, you finally rose to your feet and moved back across the room.
As each night, you reminded yourself of the precautions. If it was someone else, you would simply ask for a drink and retire.
Luckily, tonight did not bring such disappointment. On easing the door open, you were greeted with the profile of the face you had longed to see since sunrise. His slender face, calm but eyes joyous as he turned towards you.
You smiled at last, breathing out deeply.
“Jin.”
He wore a small smile, but still bowed deeply to you.
You rolled your eyes.
“Just come inside.”
“How very forward of you, your grace.”
You fought off the urge to laugh, instead shutting the door a little too forcefully and giving him an unamused look. Of course, your hard stare did nothing to discourage him: in fact, he practically grinned as he turned away from you.
With a huff, you walked after him
“I have a name, you idiot,” you swatted at his head as he removed his gat, “when we’re in here you can use it, at least.”
“As you wish.”
You could hear the smirk in his voice before he turned around. He set his gat on the dresser and faced you as he unclasped the Sai knives where they where sheathed to his belt. At last his eyes were back on you, holding a strip of fabric taught between his hands and just under his eyeline.
“Are you ready, Y/N?”
Finally, you gave a warm smile.
Stepping to close the space, you held your hand palm-up for him to begin. The moment the cloth touched your skin, Jin’s practised fingers wrapping it securely, but not suffocating around your thumb and wrist, the tension from sneaking around began to bleed from you.
He gently turned your hand over with a brush of his own fingers, now passing the fabric over your knuckles. It was the best way to train without ever showing a sign of it.
Letting go, Jin moved to your next hand. With the wrappings, your focus zeroed, the sensation preparing you for the next. Your excitement at spending the next few hours with Jin, pushing yourself and no doubt falling into bed satisfied and spent, fizzled into a concentrated spark.
Jin clapped his palms around your wrapped hands, looking down at you with an indulgent smile of his own.
“Show me what you’ve got tonight, princess.”
You tried not to be disappointed when he stepped away, leaving the short distance your spar would start with. His distance at least aided your focus, and you drew yourself up taller, rolling out your shoulders.
As he implied, he waited for you to make the first move, a punch which he easily blocked, almost smiling.
That was okay, the two of you were just warming up. And you hadn’t come this far without a shred of friendship, you knew he respected you.
Hopping backwards, just out of his reach, you waited with your weight light on your feet, ready to react. You read his movements as he pounced with a side kick, and met him with one of your own, blocking him and bringing a hand up for good measure.
You had no need to shove him off; he darted backwards, slightly circling. You fell into the orbit as well. Already, the blood was rushing to his face, and you knew yours must be the same. It certainly felt like it was powering through your veins, loosening your muscles.
Continuing, you let the rush carry you with instincts, eyes well trained by now to analyse Seokjin’s movements, to spot openings and threats.
A kick for a kick, often retreating again, forever dancing on your toes. At his next however, you felt ready to launch another.
As he fell back, you followed, a turning kick to his stomach which of course he easily withstood and blocked. But your momentum was already shifting, and you span with another kick, foot coming level with his head-
He moved from its path, but you could go no further. His rough hand caught your waist, fisting in the fabric and trapping you against him. A punch completed your planned attack, and he caught it in his hand, stopping your fist at his heart.
Though you had not been aiming to throw any serious force and risk hurting each other, you still scuffled against him from the swift movements. You balanced yourself against his chest, then finally froze.
Grinning down at you, he lingered in the hold for a moment before dropping his arms.
“Very good,” he appraised.
You, too, darted back with a small smile, but soon schooled it from your face.
Falling into your familiar rhythm, you read Jin’s movements and responded in kind. You had built this up since you were half your height, back in the days when he was smaller than you.
This had become a ritual for you, one of the few things that stayed the same. While now, he was taller, and there were less feet in the wrong places, flooring or winding each other and leaving you giggling and red on the floor, it was yours.
He would step back, drawing his elbow back and you would strike his hand where it had placed the target on his hip. Forwards, and you hopped back, precisely kicking lower. Next was higher, and quicker, higher still. You hit his palm beside his neck, and he didn’t even flinch away, eyes steady as they analysed your performance.
Falling back, you stayed on your toes, arms loose and ready for the next.
And so it continued. The focus your mind settled into was more grounding than anything else in your day. Your reading never as calming, calligraphy never so precise.
It was deep into the night when you rested once more, your bodies buzzing with exertion but more content than ever. A sheen of sweat had coated you, and you rid yourself of the dobok.
Your chambers opened into an inner courtyard, where you kept a small bucket below your window. No other lights were lit when you pulled open the shutter, the warm night air still cool against your heated skin.
Bending to wring out your dobok in the water, you heard Jin quietly returning his knives to his belt, only a gentle clatter reaching your ears. Then, steps, and as you straightened up to drape the garments on the ledge, you felt fabric against the bare skin of your back.
Jin pressed closer, his breath warming your neck. His clothed chest brushed your shoulder again as he reached over your shoulder for something just beside the window.
Reverent hands lifted your tail of hair, a cloth meeting your skin a breath later.
Fighting, and in training, Jin was all sharp eyes and sharper fists, one of the swiftest guards. That was why he was allowed to guard the princess’ quarters, after all. But in between, he was always so slow, savouring the time you both knew would be taken away with the sun.
The soft cloth dragged across your neck, and you gasped as it was replaced by softer lips. One hand continued the cloth’s path down your arm, the other carelessly releasing your hair from its tie, where it fell comfortably against your now-clean skin.
But Jin was paying most attention to your neck, your throat, his tantalising kisses treading a blazing path to your jaw. Your head was thrown back, inviting him.
Finally, you turned your head to meet his mouth, a lazy smile shared between the two of you only by feel. You spun in his arms, and he welcomed you, circling your waist.
Somewhere the kisses lapsed, easy silence engulfing you as Jin finished wiping you down. You were cooling down by now, but felt all kinds of warm inside as you leaned against your ledge, watching him drop the cloth and plop one more kiss onto your thigh.
After a shared smile, he climbed to his feet, now standing over you. Fingertips trailed your waist, and he leaned down for one last kiss.
There was no urgency, no what next. Just the long, slow movement, of him against you.
He ran a hand down your tresses as he stepped away, letting you close the shutter. You threw your drying dobok on the headboard, where you could quickly remove it next morning before your lady opened the bedcurtains.
Once in your bedclothes again, you followed Jin to the door. You had no intention of going to sleep while he still had his shift.
But you had to accept that this was your life now. The door closed and you sat with your back against it, knowing Jin stood just the other side. You murmured the odd tease through the door, trying to ignore the wooden barrier that kept apart any playful touches or glimpse of a smile.
You fell asleep to thoughts of how it used to be. Dreams where the door fell away, dissolved, and you were two children again, and you were bunched in the middle of the class with the rest of them, only the hair curled tightly at the nape of your neck indicating your difference from the boys with close-cropped locks.
You had been humoured, then. Anything to get the princess to let off some energy, give the nannies a break and hopefully you might focus on the necessary studies for the rest of the day.
Back before the reigns had tightened until they were practically choking you, you felt almost free. Hounded back home the same as the other small children, only yours was to the palace quarters. Mother reading to you but someone else tugging your hair into order.
Even humoured you when you shrieked about Jin, tried to demonstrate what the kwanjang had taught you that day (while priceless ceramics were hastily removed from the path of your flailing feet).
And it had always been Jin. The boy that never laughed at you for being a girl. Of course, he laughed at you for falling over and for getting dirt on your face and never knowing how to tie your hair if it fell out.
And you laughed right back.
You couldn’t even remember how you became partners, and friends just as quickly. It was like it had always been. The two of you whispered when you should have been listening, you bickered and tried to show off, then apologised again and again when you knocked the other down wrong. All it took to soothe bruises was a secret trip to the kitchens.
It had changed. Gradually, but it had. You watched Seokjin grow, while your time was shut indoors more and more. You saw him don the red robes of guards, proud and capable.
And you decided you wanted the same.
Thank you for reading my lovelies! Please tell me what you thought, that makes it all worth it!!💜
Find my main bts masterlist here
Taglist - send me a message or ask to be added: @aianloveseven @preciouschimine
#catch of the century collab#kim seokjin x reader#jin x reader#bts jin imagine#kim seokjin imagine#kim seokjin fluff#jin fluff#jin historical au#bts historical au#bts joseon era#bts royalty au#bts royalty#jin scenario#seokjin scenarios#bts forbidden love#bts enemies to lovers#bts fluff#bts angst#kim seokjin angst
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Seokjin
Thank you!💜 I’m hoping to get back to more writing but it won’t be as often as normal for me as my last year at university is starting
125 - “Nope. Puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work this time.”
Balloons were scattered across the living room floor. A ‘Happy Birthday’ banner hung taped squint on the larger wall of the living room. A stack of presents were already in the corner of the room, no doubt more to come. You could hear Seokjin in the other room fumble with the larger present. That wasn’t going to be wrapped, instead you had bought a large red bow for the small child’s convertible.
You were taking a couple minutes to just set out the rest of the snacks, a long table sat pressed against a wall, an arrangement of sweet and savoury snacks covering the table. You could already tell a couple were missing thanks to your husband who simply suggested he needed to make sure the quality was perfect.
“You know these are for the guests.” You spoke to your husband as he walked through to the living room.
“Quality control.” Is all he muttered, laughing before placing a soft kiss on the side of your head, his arm around your waist. “You’re worrying too much.” You sighed, nodding. It was your son’s first birthday party since the pandemic and the first one he’d remember. Missing out on his fifth birthday, you made sure his sixth was as good as you could make it.
Before you could ask where your son was, the last time you saw him was when he was testing out the bouncy castle in the back yard, you heard a thud and something scrape the wooden floor in the kitchen. With one worrying look to Seokjin you raced to the kitchen.
There, your son stood on the small step ladder, his index finger swiping a chunk of green vanilla frosting off of his dinosaur themed birthday cake. The green marks around his mouth showed that it wasn’t his first swipe. It was a miracle his outfit he picked out for the party wasn’t dirty. He was still oblivious to both of your presence as you placed your hands on your hips, an eyebrow raised. You could feel Jin shake with laughter behind you.
Clearing your throat, you had to bite back your laughter as your son jumped, his finger frozen in mid air as he almost took another bite, frosting covering his finger.
“And what do you think your doing?”
“Quality control.” He repeated his father’s excuse though you doubt he knew what it meant. Seokjin gave a snort of laughter that he unsuccessfully tried to hide.
“Y/S/N that cake’s not for now. We have to save that for when your friends come over.”
Your son instantly looked deflated, his shoulders dropping as did his finger. His bottom lip stuck out in a small pout. Turning to you, your son widened his eyes, tilting his head.
“Nope. Puppy dog eyes aren’t going to work this time.” You shook your head, crossing your arms. Your son gave a huff, though the expression never left his face.
“I’m really disappointed in you Y/S/N.” Jin spoke, his voice soft as he crouched down, though he didn’t have to go as lower as normal due to your son still on the step ladder. “I thought you wanted to share your cake with your friends. I hear that Yu-Jun was really looking forward to the cake.” Your son looked apologetic at the mention of his best friend’s disappointment. Yu-Jun was Yoongi’s son, and your son’s best friend. While he was close friends with the other members’ children, he was closest with Yoongi’s son, maybe it was the closeness in age, but you knew that in any social situation they’d be together.
“Sorry.” Your son mumbled.
“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up.” Jin gave a groan as he lifted his son from the stepladder, placing him down, and taking him to the bathroom.
You could only give a sigh as you placed the cake in the fridge where it probably should have been. As you begun to wipe the countertops, you could hear Seokjin speaking softly to your son, though you could tell by the tone of his voice he was still talking about the cake.
~~~~~~~
You dodged Taehyung’s son as he ran past you, chasing after Jimin’s daughter, loud giggles following them both like a trail. Making your way to the kitchen, empty plate in hand, you stopped in your tracks.
Once the party had started you brought out the cake once more, however, this time you kept an eye on your son. Though thankfully, he was distracted by the flow of guests, and the party activities you had arranged.
However, now, he stood with Yu-Jun, bot on their tiptoes, green frosting surrounding their mouths as they swiped at the frosting.
#bts one shot#bts scenarios#bts fluff#bts#bts fanfic#kim seokjin family au#kim seokjin father au#kim seokjin au#kim seokjin drabble#kim seokjin x you#kim seokjin angst#kim seokjin x reader#kim seokjin fluff#kim seokjin#Kim namjoon#min yoongi#jeon jungkook#Kim Taehyung#park Jimin#Jung hoseok#bts father au#bts family au#bts drabble#bts prompt#bts angst
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Lover’s Eyes [moodboard] | ksj
You watch as he flipped through the pages of what you’ve drawn of him over the years, his eyes twinkling with fond pride. “Still talented as ever,” he beams, pressing a kiss onto your forehead.
Your eyes land on the golden locket sitting against his chest, and your smile grows even more. “Of course,” you jest, “I had a beautiful muse.”
[click for HQ! 💖💓💕]
A/N: here’s the moodboard I made for Lover’s Eye! It’s been in my folders for so long lmao 😭💖✨ I hope you guys like it!
[main masterlist] | [more moodboards]
#bts au#bts historical au#bts moodboard#bts moodboards#kim seokjin x reader#kim seokjin imagines#kim seokjin oneshot#kim seokjin fluff#kim seokjin angst
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{Once} II. Dear Seokjin
{Once} II. Dear Seokjin,
Previous: Dear Yoongi
Once Master List
Dear Seokjin,
I got your letter.
I read your apology.
I do not forgive you for what you did.
I do not forgive you for what you said.
I do not forgive you for how you treated me.
I loved you, once.
But I don’t anymore.
Sincerely,
Next: Dear Jimin
#justasparkwritings#OT7 series#once#don't forget that you loved me#BTS angst#break up#love letters#BTS letters#kim namjoon angst#Kim seokjin angst#min yoongi angst#jung hoseok angst#park jimin angst#Kim taheyung angst#jeon jungkook angst#BTS x reader#BTS x you#justasparkanthology
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Our Time | JJK (Seven)
Summary: After an accident and being in a coma for three months, you finally wake. But the last nine years of your life have been completely erased. You rely on none other than your best friend, Jungkook, to help regain your memories and yourself. But what happens when the truth of your missing time starts unraveling and it isn’t all it’s made out to be?
Pairing: Jungkook x Fem Reader (Detective!Jk x Graphic Designer!OC) side pairing: Seokjin x Reader
Genre: crime au, fluff, heavy angst, smut, romance, darker themes, amnesia au. Best friends to ???
Word Count: 12.4k
Warnings: seriously depressing (for now) swearing, mentions of alcoholism, allusions to cheating
a/n: Hiiiiiii, long time no see!! Sorry for the delay and thank you for waiting. This story is at a depressing point (lol) so forgive me! I hope you guys can enjoy this chapter too 🥺 Well, I hope you guys enjoy and please let me know what you think! Send an ask if you want to be added to the taglist or just want to chat :]
Previous --- Next
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
An eternity has passed since you’ve last seen Jungkook…a total of six weeks. Each day has gotten equally harder as it has gotten easier. You think it’s just your body slowly getting used to his absence but your mind is yearning. Yearning and hurting.
But there is something that’s also painful like missing your ex-husband—your best friend—and it’s the videos of your life. A life you know nothing of.
If you thought pictures were hard, videos are much harder.
But you asked for this. You asked your parents and your friends to send you old pictures and videos of times you don’t remember living.
You’re seeing pictures of you and your friends in restaurants you don’t know. Bars you don’t know. Concerts for artists you don’t know. Pictures of you in your bedroom, but it’s a bedroom you don’t know.
You have haircuts and styles you don’t know.
In the videos, you hear yourself laughing at inside jokes you don’t know. You’re using vocab and slang you don’t know. You see yourself giggling and joking around with people you. don’t. know. And you feel more like an outsider than ever. Not just to this world but to the girl you see on screen, you are an outsider to herworld.
Perhaps you’ve gotten too use to separating your different selves. And perhaps that makes it harder to unite with them.
Past you is current you but current you thinks of current you as future you.
It’s all a headache to think about.
You know they’re all you but because you’ve kept them separate, it’s somehow becoming the shackles that stops all the you’s from uniting.
And that’s what needs to happen for all of your memories to return. You have to unite 24 year old you and 33 year old you. It’s only your sanity on the line.
Now that you’ve discovered a couple of things, the only way to go from here is to intentionally spark your memories—in any way. You have to. Because you know 33 year old you has started something...
You quickly tear your eyes from the video on screen to take a quick peak towards the hallway that leads to the bedrooms. You’ve visited the attic a few times because of all of the memories that are stored in there.
But those boxes are filled with more than just memories.
Your eyes go back to your phone in hand as your thumb hesitantly hovers over the screen. You know you should move on to another video but it almost feels like you don’t have it in you. You don’t have it in you to stop listening to the sound of your child’s laughter when you can’t recognize it.
You don’t have it in you to stop the possibility of triggering your brain to suddenly remember him.
You finally force your thumb to the screen and you quickly pause it. You take in a sharp breath before exiting the video to scroll through the five videos your mom sent you. You see Haru in all five. And you can see Jungkook in three of them. You chose one where you couldn’t see Jungkook.
But this video of Haru’s giggles feels just as heartbreaking but more than anything, it feels frustrating. Because you don’t know him.
And that feels like an unbearable heartache on its own.
Suddenly, your eyes bounce from the video thumbnails to the text your mom just sent you.
Mom 7:28am
Good morning! We’re our way to the station and should arrive in Seoul around 2pm. You’re still picking us up, right?
You slowly close your already drooping eyes, the moment way too brief before you open them again, glancing towards the living room windows where the obvious sunlight comes through. Another night you didn’t sleep. Your eyes battling your brain. You might get a few hours if you try to sleep now, at the least.
~
“I just don’t understand how you can drink those all day,” Your mother’s eyes go from the knife in her hand to the iced coffee in yours. “I know it’s got to be giving you heartburn.” She laughs a little while shaking her head, eyes going back down to the cutting board where she chops onions.
You blink at your mom before dropping your eyes to the coffee in your hand, “Wait, is this why?”
She chuckles again, “Must be from your dads side of the family.” She shrugs now, letting the onions slide off the board and into a pan.
You roll your eyes at your moms playful comment before sliding the coffee away from you as you sit at your kitchen island, “Anyway, dad’s kind of taking a while, no?” You glance around the kitchen as if he would suddenly appear here.
Your mom smiles to herself while her hands remain busy with cooking dinner, “Yeah, he’s waiting for me to text him saying he can come back from the store.”
You can’t help but snort since you know exactly what she means.
Back when you were a teenager and going through life’s woes that made the whole world feel like it was ending, you would have your meltdowns. Period cramps that made you moody, a friend talking behind your back, the boy you liked was seen kissing someone else. All the things your dad left your mom to handle. He would suddenly want to go to the store and she would somehow signal him when it was safe to return—after the two of you got to talk out whatever was bothering you.
You realize she’s done it now.
“You never used to take this long to tell me what was going on though.” Your mom says quietly, eyes trained on the stove. “Especially not about Jungkook.” She sighs as she reaches for the wooden spoon before stirring the ingredients.
You feel something sharp inside your chest, just at the mention of his name, like there’s a sharp knife.
You turn your face to the side, something uncomfortable and electric tightens your jaw. As if it’s a burning signal that even the mere mention of Jungkook, makes you want to cry. But you won’t. “Well, mom.” You take a deep breath before looking towards her again with a sarcastic smile. “Our marriage wasn’t exactly as perfect as you thought.”
You hope this is enough for her to realize that Haru’s disappearance wasn’t the wedge that created such distance between you and your now, ex-husband.
You stare at the back of your mom’s head as she stands at the stove, still cooking. You wonder if she’s in utter shock at the revelation that perhaps Jungkook isn’t perfect. And your marriage definitely wasn’t. You wait and wait. But you see how she starts adding in a few other things.
“I said—”
“—What marriage is perfect?” Your mom finally turns around, cutting you off with a raised brow. “I never thought that. I’ll never think that. About anyone.” She scoffs before turning towards the stove again. “I told you that you didn’t usually take this long to talk about Jungkook with me.”
You don’t say anything.
Your mom turns her head towards you for a moment, you see the corner of her lip barely start to lift, like a knowing smile wants to form but her frown decides not to budge, “You were married to him for years…you don’t think you’ve come to complain to me?”
You understand her almost smirk now. She faces forward towards the stove again.
“Maybe around six months before Haru’s…incident. You came to Busan and I could tell something was up and you needed to talk.” Your mom rests a hand on her hip, while the other reaches for the stove knob as she turns it down. “But just like now…” She turns her head to eye you again, her worries pulling her lips into a deeper frown. “You took a while to tell me.”
You don’t really react. Not as your brain processes this information.
Your mom continues, “So I know your marriage wasn’t perfect. Jungkook’s not perfect. You’re not perfect.” She exhales through her nose in a half laugh. “I’m not perfect. Your father’s not either. But what’s between us…it has to be protected.”
“Unless that person betrays you.” You say in a low voice, eyes going to your fingers as you pick at your cuticles. “And you lose your trust in them.”
You hear your mom at the stove again as she turns it off and puts the lid on the pan. After a moment you see your mother in your peripherals as she comes to the other side of the counter and sits next to you.
“You mentioned something similar back then.” She says quietly, her face looking ahead. “But then I thought…well, that you thought it wasn’t what you thought.”
You quickly turn your head in your moms direction, eyes on hers. What all did you say to her? “Well, it was.” You say firmly.
Your mom’s eyebrows pull together slowly, something similar to confliction rising in her eyes. “And how exactly did Jungkook betray you?” She asks after a moment.
And it feels pathetic, the feeling of all the muscles in your face betraying your collected appearance. So pathetic that the answer to this question makes your expression twist and break off the cracking mask that is now crumbling and falling from your face.
It takes less than an instant for your heartbreak to be written all over.
Your mom puts a hand to your back, letting you cry it out.
Just like you did when you were a moody teenager and the only one who understood your meltdowns was your mom. She lets you know that once again, that no matter how small or how big—you had every right to feel the way you wanted to.
You cry, a soft pat repeating on your back as you mumble how sad you are and how embarrassing this is.
This short cry feels more like relief in the right company rather than something that is rocking your world in the worst way.
Your mom chuckles a little, pulling away from you. “Embarrassing?”
“Yeah.” You nod with a shameless smile and damp cheeks. “I know you know the me that’s been married to him for years but in my eyes we’ve been on one date and he was our neighbor. So I feel like you should be teasing me about us but you’re here with more knowledge about my marriage than me.” You laugh as you cry more, “So it’s a bit embarrassing.”
“Hm,” Your mom chuckles again, “I guess I can understand that.”
You nod while your fingers wipe beneath your eyes repeatedly, they’re only teary now.
Your mom brings her hand away from you, her fingers intertwining on top of the counter. You watch as she stares down at her hands in thought before she finally sighs and turns your way with a small smile. “Talk to me, y/n. You’re convinced Jungkook betrayed you in some way—ways I can only assume—but tell me, do you really think he’s capable of what you’re thinking?”
You study your mother’s expression for a long moment, brows beginning to furrow when you realize she doesn’t buy it. Tearing your eyes away from her, your lips twist in annoyance, “Are you saying I shouldn’t believe in my own memories?”
You hear your mom sigh again, “You remembered something unpleasant, y/n. I’m not saying I don’t believe you…but even back then,” She pauses, hoping you will look at her but you don’t. She finally continues, “Things just didn’t add up…”
You’re quick to find her eye again, “What all did I tell you?”
At this, your mother scoffs lightly, her small smile still on her lips. “Nothing that really made sense. Seemed like you just…couldn’t tell me things. But I’m not dumb, you know? You drop plenty of hints when you get talking.”
“Oh.” You blink at her, wishing you could even remember whatever hints she’s referring to.
“But the issue is that you stopped talking. You got quiet.” Your mother looks back at her hands again, her gaze hardening. “Then when Haru’s incident happened…you shut us all out. Everyone…” She whispers, lines between her brows forming, a hint of disappointment in her voice that doesn’t go unnoticed by you. “Even Jungkook.”
You can’t help but feel that same knife start slicing open the inside of your chest at the mention of his name again. “Probably because it’s his fau—”
“—He lost Haru too, y/n.” Your mom cuts you off, her eyes that are filled with something close to anger land on you. “You both did and what’s worse is that you both lost one another in the process.”
“I don’t remember the process but I’m sure I had a hard time even looking him in the eye.” You spit out. “You don’t know what happ—”
“—Do you?” She throws back at you. “Because you have yet to give me a story that makes even a little sense.”
Your heart starts screaming like someone just squeezed it way too hard. You force yourself to look away because tears that no one invited start to form. You feel done with this conversation but before you can announce its over, your mom sighs again and her palm rests against your back and you don’t have it in you to shove her off.
“I’m sorry.” She mutters softly, almost sounding regretful. “I am. You have no idea…” You feel her hand slowly retreat from your back, “How sometimes I would just pray you wouldn’t get your memories back. So you wouldn’t…”
Your mother’s voice grows much softer, almost too quiet to hear.
“Seeing you heartbroken all over again hurts us, y/n. I thought it would be easier…for you. But I guess it’s just easier for us.” She admits, a sharpness in her tone that indicates her regret. “There’s no way you would live happier if parts of you felt missing.”
You feel her words stick to your skin uncomfortably, like sweat from the hot sun rather than a run you worked for. It’s unpleasant but also unwelcomed.
Unwelcomed because you don’t want to accept a life where that could be the case—forced to live a life even with parts of you missing.
An uncomfortable reality and possibility.
“More than…” You begin, hands lifting to gesture towards nothing. “This is more than just Jungkook.”
Your mom chuckles to herself. “Of course I know that.”
“I’m starting to wonder what would feel worse,” You glance towards your empty hands before your fingers clutch nothing softly. “Remembering my child. Or not remembering my child.” Then your lips curl into a half smile that feels so empty as you silently cringe toward yourself, “It doesn’t even feel right saying ‘my’…” you immediately halt, teeth suddenly piercing into your bottom lip. You don’t even feel right calling Haru ‘your’ child. Because you don’t feel like his mother.
You try to keep the half smile plastered on your face but the sharp shock of tears that fill your eyes betray your wants. You quickly blink them away.
“I want to hate Jungkook so bad for so many reasons,” You admit before clearing your throat, “But I mostly hate him because at least he would recognize our sons laugh while I don’t. I hate him because I blame him but at least he knows the kid that I hate him for.”
Also an uncomfortable reality.
“Well,” Your mothers tone lets you know she’s about to change the subject. “You had a doctor’s appointment recently, right? How did it go?”
You shake your head, “He said the progress can be really slow…and that it’s normal for the brain to block out certain traumatic events. So much…” You pause.
“So much what?”
You sigh, “So much doesn’t make sense. It has me feeling so restless.”
“I’m sorry.” Your mom releases a shaky breathy before you hear her voice crack. “I’m so sorry.”
“You know what’s the worst part?” You decide to keep the venting session going. “I just feel ashamed. I’m a parent but I don’t even know about it. I feel so lost. I don’t think if I was given a child I could—”
“This doesn’t make you less of a mother, y/n.” Your mom snaps her eyes in your direction, a fierceness in them. “You are still a parent. A damn good one at that.”
You study your mother’s expression with a fondness, because you see her sincerity. This makes your eyes sting again. “Thanks, mom.”
~
After a nice weekend with your parent’s, you decide you’ve been resting enough. You want to start working again, having too much time on your hands seems like a problem nowadays. You find yourself back at that new café.
“I’ll take a honey lavender latte.” You tell the girl at the counter, her eyes immediately widening before she nods her head in approval.
“Great choice. A personal fav.” She grins before continuing, “And I make it the best.”
A new voice joins in from behind, startling you. “Make that two.” A man says.
You quickly turn around, eyes rising towards the same man you spilled coffee on. “Oh, it’s you.”
He brings a hand to his heart, “I’m a you? That means you remember me!” He smiles at you, shaking his dark hair from his eyes.
You bite your lip, guilt sinking in from the last time. “Well, I thought you were gonna press charges for burning you last time. So, I guess I would remember.”
He looks taken aback, his eyes going round. “Press charges?” Then he laughs, “No, no. I wouldn’t do that, who wants to deal with cops, anyway?”
“Just the two lattes?” The girl at the counter speaks up in a sing song voice and you immediately spin in your spot to apologize to her but the man beats you to it while he pulls out his wallet.
“Should we get a cookie too?” He asks you, his head tilting a little and you start shaking your head. “You sure?” He smiles.
You’re the one taken aback. This guy is too kind. You wonder if he’s like this with everyone.
“Seokjin, you are going to buy us out again.” The girl sighs as she smiles before glancing at you. “He ordered us all out just yesterday.”
“It was for the elderly! You know they get a little cranky if they don’t get something a little sweet to eat! Hasn’t it brought more customers? You could say thank you.” He gets playfully defensive, pout on his lips and the girl gives a shrug while nodding.
“Well, it does make my boss happy. And if he’s happy,” She leans over the counter and whispers. “It’s a better day for everyone.” Then she giggles.
“See!” Seokjin crosses his arms like he’s still offended. “I’m just trying to help you all have a better day!”
You guess he is this nice to everyone.
And before you know it, he’s taking out his card and paying for the drinks. You realize it but it’s too late.
“You didn’t have to pay for that…” You mumble, hand paused on your own wallet. “But thank you.”
“Hopefully you’ll have an even better day too.” He smiles at you and it feels warm.
You take a moment to get a good look at him and you realize just how handsome he is. You remember his chest and broad shoulders from last time but now you see just how full and plump his lips are but you also like his brown eyes.
He smiles at you again.
You’re staring.
“See you around, I guess.” Seokjin puts his wallet back into his back pocket before walking off towards a table near a window.
You know his name but he doesn’t know yours and that feels a little bit like a shame.
But there’s no time for harmless nice guys giving you warm smiles. You’re here to work. Or actually here to retrain yourself on how to do your work.
Your job agreed to help you relearn everything so today, you’re going to sit at a table and get trained. And the girl you knew from college that works at your job will be in contact with you if you have any questions. Mijoo. Apparently you two were a bit acquainted before you started working from home.
When you find a table near the bookshelves, you get to work. There’s updates on old programs you were familiar with but there’s new ones too. Plus, the market is a bit different. It’s a lot to learn but you think you’ll get the hang of it quickly. Just like you did back in the day when you were just starting out.
Two hours or more has passed and you’re buried in your work. But you see a man in your peripherals and a cookie wrapped in parchment paper suddenly on the table right next to your laptop.
You look up and Seokjin gives you that same warm smile before it turns sheepish. “I ended up ordering two for myself a little while ago but I’m too full. You can have it. Well…well, only if you want it, of course.”
You blink up at him before you look at the cookie.
“It’s okay, if you don’t!”
Your eyes go to him again and you shake your head before you give him your own smile. “No, no!” You tell him quickly, “I-I’ll take it. Thank you.”
“Oh.” His lips form the perfect ‘o’ and he gives you a nod. “Nice. See ya.” And he’s smiling again before walking out of the café.
His entire aura is warm and you realize you appreciate people like him even more now. With how cold life has been.
~
After a long day of sitting at the café, you’re now sitting on the floor of your dusty attic. It’s gotten easy to figure out which boxes were stored here by your own hands and which boxes are the ones that Jungkook packed up to avoid you seeing your life. It’s mostly obvious because Jungkook’s packing is much more organized than yours.
You wonder if this box of framed photos in front of you is so neat because he looked at each one slowly, taking his time as he looked at the memories he knew you wouldn’t remember.
You wonder if he took his time because he misses Haru.
And because he missed you.
You manage to conceal a bitter scoff as you lift your foot and push it flat against the box, forcing it back a few inches. Your concern isn’t Jungkook right now. Stop thinking about him. Stop looking at your photos with him. Stop looking at the life you lived with him.
Right now those are your priority.
A strained sigh leaves your mouth as you eye the boxes you’ve dragged to the other side of the attic. You’ve been trying to organize everything in here so you know what’s what. Eyes slide to the left where all your household memories are. Then they slowly drag across the attic, passing by an old, dusty desk to the right side where your personal mystery boxes are.
It’s taken a few days to really separate everything. Because this attic has more than just some boxes of memories and boxes of mysteries. It also has a few too many creepy crawlers hanging in the corners. And things you’re sure 33 year old you wanted to sell and get rid of.
Buzz.
Your eyes suddenly shoot down to your phone when it lights up and vibrates the attic floor, already seeing that it’s another message from Misuk in the group chat with her and Subin.
Last you checked they were gushing over a new song from an artist they like who you barely even know so you don’t rush to really look. Your eyes stay on the screen until the light dims and it goes black.
You’d be lying if you said you wish you didn’t have help. Someone to guide you to some answers.
Another strained sigh before a half assed chuckle barely rumbles in your chest.
Well, ‘someone’ could guide you to some answers. And that someone is 33 year old you but unfortunately you don’t understand majority of what you’ve found. As if only parts of the puzzle are in these boxes, just edges and corner pieces and you’re missing all the pieces that fill everything in.
Your eyes still linger on the black screen as they begin to lose focus as your mind whirls into your endless list of questions again. The boxes of mysteries are only three boxes. One of them having nothing to do with your son, you think. But the other two have caused some concern.
Something tells you that 33 year old you is really not convinced that your son is dead.
It’s clear you were investigating on your own. But your notes barely make sense. And it is more than fucking frustrating.
You’re about to close your eyes and groan but your phone suddenly lights up again as you feel a slight vibration next to your foot. It’s another text but it doesn’t look like its apart of the group chat.
You squint at the screen but it’s too far to really read anything so you finally give in and reach for the device and bring it closer to your face. And then you feel the sudden thump in your lower belly where your heart just landed.
Jungkook 9:19pm
How are you doing?
A razor sharp sting tightens every muscle in your body, the sudden tension making your breaths stop.
More than a month and a half since you’ve last seen and spoken to him and he’s finally said something to you.
Finally because as much as you hate him, his existence makes you breathe. And you have to breathe to live.
Buzz.
Your hand vibrates along with your phone and you suddenly clench your fingers around it.
Jungkook 9:19pm
I wanted to tell you how sorry I am.
Your heart suddenly leaps up into your throat, choking you a bit as you try to breathe. Is that a confession? It already bothers you that he barely tried to explain himself and now he’s been silent all this time. And now he’s apologizing? He’s guilty, isn’t—
Buzz.
Jungkook 9:20pm
I just wish you would talk to me y/n…
That concealed scoff from earlier has finally broken free, pushing past your lips in something like disgust. Talk to him? Talk to him? You feel an uncomfortable anger start poking your skin from the inside and you squeeze your phone harder in you hand. The fucking audacity.
There’s a brief moment when you consider chucking your phone across the attic but fortunately you only slam it to the floor. Frustration still hot on your skin, you quickly reach for a worn out decorative pillow and hurl it in front of you with a lot of strength, knocking against the old desk as it wobbles for a moment.
You release a short puff of air, head lowering and eyes closing as you try to calm yourself. You’ll admit, it did feel kind of good to release some en—
Thump.
Your eyes snap open as you tilt your head up towards the desk where the sudden sound just came. Did something fall inside? But what? You had checked the desk before. The top drawer only had a few pens and some sticky notes while the bottom drawer was empty minus some loose sheets of printer paper. And the left side of the desk is just two empty book shelves. It is basically empty.
It was probably nothing.
You’re about to move on, mind already wanting to go back to Jungkook when the sudden thump just can’t make sense. Something with some weight definitely fell in or on the desk, right? But you’re sure there’s nothing from when you checked the other week.
Doesn’t hurt to look again, you decide. Maybe this is your intuition talking to you.
You finally lift yourself from the attic floor, giving one last look at the boxes that are filled with your life with Jungkook and Haru before heading towards the middle where the desk is. It’s got an impressive layer of dust that you haven’t found any real reason to clean since the desk isn’t something you’d visit often.
Giving in, you reach for the top drawer and open it, just like you had the other week, but just like last time, the drawer only has three pens, some used sticky notes with doodles and numbers lying around and one black marker.
You knew there was nothing. Shutting the drawer, you quickly open the bottom drawer. It’s a deeper space, like you could fit a small filing cabinet. But instead, there’s only a few loose sheets of blank printer paper.
Not convinced, you shove your hand inside the drawer, feeling around for anything strange and even trying to reach behind but you’re met with nothing. Okay. You step away from the desk for a moment, eyeing it suspiciously because you’re certain something with more weight than any of those things fell. And fell here.
There’s nothing else here besides this raggedy pillow. You glance down at it, the pathetic thing on the floor before you groan, kicking it away from you.
So what? You just imagine all kinds of things now? Is that the new normal?
Suddenly not minding the thick layer of dust, you lean forward in defeat, hands gripping the edge of the desk as you support some of your weight onto it but the desk wobbles forward on its probably broken, unsteady legs. And you know you don’t imagine it when something with some weight definitely shifts inside.
“Uh, what was that…?” You mumble to yourself, eyebrows coming together slowly as you take another look at the desk. Your eyes immediately fall to the left side where the two empty shelves are. It definitely came from this side.
You quickly squat down, eyes trained on the shelves, inspecting every single inch of the empty and terribly dusty space. “Don’t tell me…” You whisper, expression highly focused as you look at the back panel of the shelves. The shelving space is not nearly as deep as of the width of the desk.
You blink at it, breaths now falling from your lips faster as your fingers quickly go to touch the backing panel and when it wiggles freely with enough pressure, you know you’ve found something. Feeling impatient, you jostle the thin wood around until you can figure out how to remove it.
And when it starts poking through the side of the shelf, your heart starts racing while you quickly slide the panel through the wooden desk. You feel it. Maybe it’s instinct because somewhere in your brain you know this is familiar and means something. The panel drops to the floor once its slid out but before it even touches, your hands are already digging inside.
“Okay, okay, okay.” You repeat with shaky breaths. Fingers already grasping what’s here and you feel yourself growing more and more anxious. A shoe box. An open shoe box that’s close to overflowing. You pull it out while you sit down onto the floor, the box settling right in front of you.
“Okay,” You sigh, reaching for the first item on top. It’s a small note book, the kind you’d use to make a check list of sorts. You take a deep breath before flipping it open and a few loose contents fall out. And then you feel the breath of a ghost at the base of your neck.
You pick up a folded sheet of paper along with a bent photo of Nabi. You feel the cold breath travel down your spine as you unfold the paper and read what’s written in someone else’s handwriting.
Yun Nabi
118, Seolleungro-150, Yongsan-gu, Seoul
010-6203-3087
010 3476 9876àweekends
010 9874 3456 new ##
You stare down at the worn paper, confusion clouding your mind. You want to rip her photo to shreds.
You quickly glance to the bent photo in your other hand and before you tell your hand what to do, it’s already crumbling it. Your dark gaze set on the now wrinkled woman who managed to gain Jungkook’s attention.
Maybe it’s not her fault if she’s great.
Maybe it’s your fault.
Your eyes stay trained on the crumbled photo but they’ve lost focus once again. Soon the balled up picture and the folded note fall to your lap as Numbness hugs you over your shoulders and as Insecurity sits next to you and whispers into your ear.
Why did Jungkook cheat on you?
You manage to blink but your throat feels dry.
Why did he do that to you? Why would anyone…?
You want to laugh at yourself. Because you know if this happened to anyone else you would know it wasn’t their fault. The person who cheated…it’s about them and no one else. And you want to tell yourself this, remind yourself, confirm that this isn’t your fault.
But why do you sit here, letting Numbness hug you tighter? And why do you sit here and wonder?
You wonder…you wonder where you went wrong that you were no longer enough for him.
And it doesn’t feel fair that you’re wondering that.
You take the photograph and crumple it even more before throwing it to the side and decide to open the notebook. And you see more puzzle pieces.
Routine
7 he wakes up….sometimes 8
Jungkook takes him to work sometimes for fun
Someone at work?? Who? Another list
Daycare usually Mondays & Thursdays for sure
Busiest days at work
You flip the page
Thursday the 14th, at the bus station,
The 18th when I was going home
There was a car parked outside on the street for 3 days
The 5th
The 8th
The 12th I ran into someone who knew me but I didn’t know them
A man with buzzed hair
Something hot bubbles inside your chest and it feels like it’s burning you. Anxiety has a touch of fire. You flip to the next page.
It just scribbles like you were frustrated.
Just like you are now.
You decide to close to the notebook. Discomfort swallowing you like a dry pill.
But you don’t stop looking through the box. Pictures of people you don’t know. More lists of times and dates. But no context. More frustration building.
Your head snaps up suddenly when you recall something falling so you quickly reach inside the secretive hole in the desk and feel around. Your fingers grasp at nothing until something cold is felt. You can tell what it is immediately as you wrap your fingers around the device. A phone.
You take the cold, shiny device in your clammy hands and rush to turn it on but it’s got a dead battery. You turn the phone upside down to check what kind of charger it takes and remember that downstairs in the kitchen there’s a drawer of random charging cables.
You need to get this thing turned on. Now.
“Are you okay?” You immediately straighten your back, phone dropping to the attic floor, the sudden voice a shock since you live alone. You quickly look around you, eyes darting from place to place but of course, there’s no one here. You feel sick. Especially because…didn’t that voice sound like—
“Are you okay?” Jungkook comes next to you, his eyes avoiding yours but he can’t hide the concern in his voice. You look at him, equally annoyed as he is. But still, you hear in his voice he doesn’t totally hate you.
“It’s fine.” You mumble, fingers picking at the bandage wrapped around your palm. “It just got scraped.”
Jungkook chuckles humorlessly, “Misuk said Subin threw up in her mouth because of the blood.”
You shrug, “Okay, it was pretty bad.”
Jungkook stays silent and the same tension that’s been building since Sana’s wedding is here again. You, Jungkook, Misuk and Subin came to Busan for the weekend to celebrate your mom’s birthday but today, the day of the party, has been anything but fun. One thing after the other, but the cherry on top was around 20 minutes ago when you accidentally sliced your palm open while helping in the kitchen.
Now you’re outside trying to cool off but the last person you want to see has come to check on you.
“Does it hurt?” Jungkook stares up at the tree you two are standing in front of outside your house. He doesn’t bother to try and soften his tone. Sure, it’s concerned but it’s also irritated.
“I told you it’s fine.” You answer, sounding clipped. “Just go back inside.”
“You’re mad at me if I’m inside. You’re mad at me if I’m outside.” He stuffs his hands in his front jean pockets and continues gazing at the tall tree. “I really don’t understand why you’re so up—”
“—Oh? You don’t?” You turn your head to glare at him, “Really?”
You watch Jungkook’s profile, his jaw tightening for a moment before he sighs out.
“I don’t know.” He tells you before turning to face you as well. Your eyes are narrowed but he sees plenty of disappointment in them. “Maybe I do. But I also seriously don’t.”
You look down to the ground, a moment of consideration because you kind of understand him. But then you recall last night and realize that no, he definitely should understand why you’re mad.
Things have changed between you two. Ever since Sana’s wedding, there’s been something different and enticing. Moments that feel way too charged to be platonic. But neither of you have spoken up about it. Maybe he’s afraid you don’t feel it. Or maybe you’re now just realizing you’re afraid he is the one who doesn’t feel it.
Because how doesn’t he understand that having his last serious girlfriend from Busan in your parents living room while they flirt with one another relentlessly in front of you, is not going to make you mad?
“You don’t think flirting with your ex-girlfriend in front of me wasn’t going to make me mad, Jungkook?” You throw the words at him without much care for his reaction. It’s an honest question, in your book.
“Okay,” Jungkook tilts his head back before running his hands through his hair, “So this is about Hanja.” He groans a little before giving in and taking a step closer to you. “I didn’t think it was a big deal…and you call her my ex girl-friend as if she doesn’t have a name. Hanja told me she had a lot of classes with you in High School!”
“And?” You deadpan. “Doesn’t make us friends.”
“Okay.” He nods but now he’s the one with disappointment in his eyes. “But that doesn’t mean you had to be rude.”
“You invited her to my mom’s birthday party!” You throw back, “And have barely even…” It sucks that your voice gets a little softer because you just want to make a point. “You’ve barely even looked at me since she’s been here.”
Jungkook’s lips part and he looks conflicted as he registers your words but you don’t wait for him to get it before you continue.
“Sure,” You manage a stubborn shrug, “Maybe you’re not flirting with her but you don’t stop her when she does with you.”
Jungkook’s brows furrow, “She hasn’t flirted with me, y/n.” He tries to assure you, his tone finally not irritated but instead the same soft as yours. “We just have history, you know? But that was what? 5 years ago? 6? 7? I don’t even know. We ended on good terms so I thought it was harmless. She’s in town too and had nothing to do…I didn’t think it was a big deal.”
“I just…” You finally meet his eye for the first time more willingly, “I don’t know.”
He finally relaxes his features and a pleasantly pleased smile starts tugging at the corner of his lips, “You’re…jealous.” He confirms softly.
You raise a brow at him, feeling annoyed. “So then you do understand why I’m mad.”
“Yeah.” He agrees but you see the uncertainty in his eyes. “But I wasn’t sure. Maybe hoping but I couldn’t be sure, you know?”
“Did you want me to be jealous?” You ask, unsure how that makes you feel but you see genuine and quiet panic all over his face while he shakes his head.
“No, no.” He tells you with big eyes. “But when I realized you were mad at me, I thought it could be because you were jealous. And,” He pauses, swallowing what you think is nerves. “That’s why I became hopeful, I guess.”
“And why is that?” A cool breeze suddenly picks up and it feels nice against your cheeks.
“Because it might mean…” His words grow quieter, seeking your understanding of where he was going. “But without being direct…well, I can’t really be sure, you know?”
“Then why can’t we be direct?” You gesture between your bodies, “I like you, Jungkook.” It doesn’t take a lot of effort to say it, to admit it, but it does take a lot of effort to not tear your eyes away from him in embarrassment. But your gaze remains on his.
“And there’s no way I’m imagining—”
“—You aren’t!” Jungkook panics, his fingers flying to your wrists, holding on to them as he persuades your eyes to remain on his again. “You aren’t imagining it. I know it, too.” He tells you but he looks and sounds conflicted.
“For months, Jungkook.” You say quietly, “I’ve been wondering for months if you’re going to make a real move on me.”
He can’t help but smile at you nervously, his clammy fingers still pressing into your wrists. “I just…” Jungkook’s smile begins dropping as he explains himself, “…I’m so afraid of talking about this because it might change our friendship and you’re just,” He pauses, eyes searching yours because he needs to see if you understand. “You’re too important, y/n.”
“You’d rather never tell me how you feel because it might change our friendship?” You ask him, ignoring the fire burning along the edges of your skin. “You would rather spend forever just wondering if I feel the same as you? Just like I’ve been wondering if you feel the same as me? Too afraid to talk about it because it…might change our friendship?”
Jungkook’s fingers finally disconnect from your skin and into his hair, his nerves only multiplying but he finds the courage to say, “If you didn’t feel the same, things would change.”
“If I didn’t feel the same then things wouldn’t have changed in the first place. Jungkook, things have already changed. And I don’t like wondering. We’re already past platonic so I’ll tell you—”
Suddenly, your head starts pounding.
A new memory unlocked.
And it only makes you sit on your attic floor and cry.
Great timing.
~
Your fingers feel frozen, maybe even numb as you dig through another random kitchen drawer to find the correct charger for the phone you’ve found. So far you haven’t been lucky. Then again, nothing feels lucky. You’ve been quiet to yourself all day after last night. Not even a thought out loud.
Your eyes grow watery again but you immediately slam your lids shut, squeezing tightly because you refuse to shed anymore tears. You might have to buy a new charger but you really aren’t in the mood to leave the house. You aren’t in the mood for anything except maybe hurling more old, worn out, decorative pillows at dusty furniture. But now you feel afraid for what you might find. The more mysteries you unlock, you’re afraid to unlock a memory along with it.
It's evening now, the kitchen clock says 6:13pm. The day has gone by. You watched the sun rise this morning and now you’re witnessing it set. You have yet to find it in you to sleep today. Maybe you’re afraid you’ll slip into your bed that you once shared with Jungkook and suddenly you’ll remember all the times you’ve slept in it with him. You can’t afford any more of that. Just yesterday you were begging 33 year old you to share some of the life you’ve missed and now that she is sharing some of the years…you’re realizing you aren’t ready.
You take a deep breath, shutting a drawer shut when you decide to order a new charging cable for the phone. Your eyes slide to the device that rests peacefully on the counter while your heart beats uncomfortably in your throat. You stare at it, wondering what contents lie inside but a part of you feels fearful of what you might find.
Taking another breath, you wrap your arms around yourself, hugging yourself for a moment before you decide to take care of this. Sitting yourself at the kitchen island, opening your laptop, you search the phone and get the cable ordered for delivery tomorrow. This is better than driving yourself nuts trying to find it.
You close your eyes, resting your head down to the counter, wishing you could turn your day around.
Ding Dong.
Your eyes snap open.
And something unsettling starts whirling in your belly. As if you can sense who is at your door.
Knock Knock Knock.
You groan quietly to yourself because you just know. You know exactly who it is for some insane reason. You just feel it. You stand from the stool and walk yourself to your front door. Swinging it open without even peeping through the hole to confirm your suspicions.
Jungkook’s doesn’t look too good. For as handsome as he is, he looks rough. His skin is dry, his lips are pale and the bags under his eyes give away how much sleep he isn’t getting. You don’t care though. Not about him. Your fingers grip around the door frame tighter, your skin burning at the sight.
“I just wanted to see how you were.” He tells you, voice so quiet you had to read his lips.
You want to scoff bitterly in his face, shut him out and make him feel thrown away.
But your foot pushes the front door further open as you turn around to go into the living room. You’ve invited him in. Though, ‘invited’ feels like a strong word.
You can hear the door creak open even furth from behind you, shoes are shuffling onto the floor and the door clicks shut. You hold your breath as you walk to the sofa, sitting yourself down at the very end of it as your eyes glue themselves to the black screen of the TV.
Jungkook follows your lead and sits at the other end of the couch. In your peripherals, he looks like a big, black scribble of a thousand swirling lines and you don’t have it in you to focus your eyes on him and let him appear as Jungkook. As a person. So, you keep your eyes on the TV.
Nothing is said between you both for a long while, all your senses are heightened though as you anticipate his next words to you. The hairs on your arms rise when the click of the AC goes off as it turns on. You wonder if his next words have to do with apologizing about cheating on you. Apologize to you that you just couldn’t be enough. Apologize to you for losing your son.
Your head slightly tilts in the direction of the kitchen when you notice the soft drip drops of water from the faucet. The distant bark from a small dog. Jungkook’s fingernails scratching his forearm. Every noise is going off in your ears, haunting you, taunting you and driving you insane.
You only want to hear his voice.
“Why are you here?” You finally break the noisy silence.
“To see you.” He says, voice quiet and afraid. “You’re doing better than me, huh?”
Your palms are flat against the couch cushion before you slowly curl your fingers, grabbing nothing of the material at his words. “Do you really think you get to say that to me?”
“This isn’t fair for either of us, y/n.” Jungkook has the audacity to keep speaking. “You just don’t understand.”
You twist your head to eye him, your jaw tight as you watch him sit on the sofa, eyes cowering away from yours. “You’ll stop talking now.” You tell him as your voice becomes quiet and afraid as well. You’re livid but you speak like you’re hurt.
“Then…” Jungkook pauses, his eyes going all around the living room now before he sighs. “Then I’ll just listen.”
You push your head back in disbelief, “I didn’t ask you to come here so I can talk to you. In fact, I didn’t ask you to come here at all.”
He finally turns his head toward you, his eyes are red and watery and you hate that you hate seeing him on the verge of tears. You watch his throat as you pay attention to the hard way he swallows. “I know. But I had to see you.”
Suddenly, your head starts pounding, a harsh banging from inside your forehead. You quickly let your head fall into your hands when those words keep repeating inside your mind. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you. I know. But I had to see you.
You groan into your hands. The pain erupting on all sides of your head. The words repeating over and over, making your ears feel like they’re bleeding. I know. But I had to see you.
“y/n?” You hear Jungkook’s quiet and afraid voice.
I know. But I had to see you.
“I thought you didn’t want to see me…” Jungkook’s eyes are blood shot. You know he’s been drinking again.
“I know.” You mutter, “But I had to see you.”
“Oh.” He stumbles backward, his hand widening his front door to his new, shitty apartment. You feel anger bubbling, because you know he’s drunk. You’re doing everything in your power to keep it together and he’s wasting his time drinking.
“You’ve shut out Jimin.” You tell him, cutting to the chase. “So you don’t know anything, do you?”
“W-What’s there to know? I don’t need them anymore. Also, I was fucking fired.”
You snap your eyes to his as he still stands at his open doorway. “You’re pissing me off, Jungkook.”
“I can do this on my—”
“—They’re closing the case.” You say. “They’re saying he’s…that he’s…” You pause, throat growing drier. “You know.”
“I don’t know.” Jungkook drunkenly shrugs, slamming the door shut, making you flinch. “They’re all wrong, anyway.”
You feel your shoulders growing tenser, your lips in a hard, thin line before they die into a frown. “They’re saying we should hold a funeral.”
Jungkook’s body goes still, his hanging arms at his sides suddenly rise to his face when he rubs his temples. “Excuse me?”
“They want to—”
“Just stop!” He suddenly cries out, voice shrill. You see his eyes growing redder and redder as tears fill them up. “None of you know what you-you’re talking about. Just shut up, all of you!”
You flinch.
Jungkook’s fingers go into his hair when he starts pulling on the strands. “This just isn’t right.” He keeps muttering to himself, “I got this. I got this. I got this.” He starts pacing back and forth in front of his coffee table. “Just stop. Stop talking.”
You stand in silence.
“I said stop talking!”
You watch him unravel.
“Jung—”
Glass breaks across the coffee table. A shattered soju bottle that he’s thrown.
You flinch again.
You take a step back.
Jungkook falls to the floor, crying and yelling at no one. The loss of your son is much worse than you could have imagined. But you knew telling Jungkook about the funeral was going to cause something more serious to unravel. But you didn’t imagine this.
“y/n?” Jungkook voice sounds sober now. “y/n?”
Your head is about to split into sections, the pain so overwhelming.
You lift your face from your hands, your cheeks overflowing with tears. Why did you have to remember that?
“Hey,” Jungkook stands from the sofa and comes closer to you. His hand hesitantly landing on your shoulder but just like in your memory, you flinch. He immediately frowns. “y/n…” He brings his hand back to his body. “Talk to me, I’ll just listen.”
“G-go.” You keep your head low as your eyes stay glued to your lap. “Please just go.”
His hands freeze at his sides, using all of his self-control. Even you can feel how tense his body is, just from the heat that radiates off of it. You’re being serious. He needs to go before you spiral into one of your throbbing headaches that give you a panic attack. The kind you can manage on your own—and prefer to.
“Please, Jungkook…” You squeeze your eyes shut. “I’m not feeling well now so pl—”
“—Okay.” His fingers curl into hard fists. “Call me if you need anything. Please.” He stands here for another moment, like his feet have become glued to the floor and he’s unable to move. But after a tentative sigh, they finally move. And your ears bleed again at each sound that can be heard. The click of the AC turning off, the small dog whining in your neighbor’s yard, each drip of water dropping from the faucet and finally the whoosh of the front door opening and closing shut. And you finally let go a long, long breath.
Your head hurts and your heart hurts, the memory fresh in your mind. You never imagined to see Jungkook…like that. You barely recognized him. Does he have a drinking problem? Or did? You need to erase these images in your head, or at least scatter something pretty over them. And that’s when you get an idea that you know is pure torture.
~
One of the boxes from the attic is sat on your living floor, with your bottom plopped right next to it. It’s a box you organized yourself, you can tell. Just a box of intimate memories with your ex-husband. You pull out a letter you’ve read at least six times now…might as well make it seven.
The envelope is pink with little hearts drawn all over it and though it’s only eight years old, it looks like it’s at least 20. The envelope itself is wrinkly with random water stains and the page inside is soft and used like you’ve read this letter a thousand times. Might as well make it a thousand and one.
You slip the paper out of the envelope, unfolding it carefully, the crinkling paper opening up with Jungkook’s handwriting written all over.
April 10 2015
Dear y/n,
Hi it’s me, your boooooyfriend. >.< sorry I’m still getting used to it. You’re probably wondering why I’m writing a letter when I could just call or text you but you seemed to think it was cute in that movie we watched the other day and so Im writing you one too!! Also, I think my peers are thinking Im working really hard on a case. I wish I was but they won’t give me anything good. I know it hasn’t even been a year since I finally landed here in the Investigation sector as a detective but they still treat me like such a rookie…blaaaahhhhh you know this already. The captain seems to think I have potential though. But ya know what? The guys here said the only thing ive done right so far is getting you as a girlfriend hahaha
Maybe they’re right I mean they’re definitely right
I miss you so much
Im sitting here at my desk writing you and its just making me miss you a kabillzillion times more…….i seriously aaaaahhhh im going crazy because I miss you that much
Im so lucky youre so amazing and my favorite person to exist and so pretty so pretty
I know we’ve only been together for a short while but what if I told you I know exactly how I feel about yoooouuuuu huh what if
Ask me about it when I see you tonight
Love,
Jungkook Your cheerios
You read it. Then you read it again. This is the Jungkook you want to remember.
~~
It’s the next day and you’re opening the package you ordered just yesterday. Pulling out a small box, you get it open and unravel the charging cable to the phone you’ve found. Taking a look at the clock, you realize you’re a bit behind. You wanted to get to the café at noon for work but it’s already 15 after. You quickly plug the charger into the wall and get the phone charging. It’s dead so it’ll take a while to get turned on so you decide to leave it here while you head out.
The café is a bit busy today, more people than you’re used to, but thankfully you see an open table. You set up your laptop and get to work. Taking a pause to message Mijoo about needing some guidance if she can meet any of these days. It would be nice to have some help in person. After working for a bit, you can’t help but lift your face from the screen and dart your eyes around the place. No sign of Seokjin today. Not that it means anything but he’s got the kind of warm, reassuring smile that you could use these days.
And just like clockwork, the quiet bell dings when he walks through the café’s front door. He meets your eye immediately and gives you a small nod and the smile you were searching for. You nod back, eyes going back down to the laptop before you take another peak towards Seokjin. He’s walked up to the counter, talking with the young girl that’s always here. After a moment she hands him a box of what you assume are desserts. Maybe he’s giving them to the elderly again.
Then he walks out.
Oh, he isn’t staying today.
That’s okay, you don’t have time to chat with a harmless nice guy anyway. You have work to do. Something to truly get your mind off of everything else you’ve been going through. You think it’s a miracle you have it in you to try every day. In another universe, you might have already gone insane.
~
After working a little while longer, you pack your things up and head to your car. It’s a sunny day, barely any clouds in the sky and it feels warm. Warm enough to make you forget this coldness that lingers all around you, all inside you.
You start driving home when you remember you’re supposed to pick up a few groceries so you stop by the market first. It’s not too crowded and since you’re in an okay mood, you decide to put in your earphones and walk inside with a pep to your step. You needed zucchini…what else? Bread for sure was on your list. Peanut butter, eggs, oh yeah and some chips for when you get a craving.
You start heading to the aisle with peanut butter when you recognize someone familiar.
“Seokjin?” You mumble his name but he doesn’t hear you. His eyes fully focused on his jams. He stands here, deep in thought before he finally reaches for one.
“Hi.” You say a little louder and he jumps in his spot.
He turns to face you, ears turning red when he sees you. “Hi.” He stares at you dumbfounded for a moment, “I just realized I don’t know your name.” Then he chuckles.
You can’t help but crack a smile, “It’s y/n.”
“Ah, y/n. Yeah, that suits you.” He tells you confidently.
“Does it?”
“Do you usually shop here?” Seokjin gestures around the aisle, “I’ve never seen you before. Or are you…” He suddenly drops his smile and looks serious. “Following me?” Then he breaks into a huge smile before adding, “Dun, dun, duuuun.”
You feel your stomach swirl with something before you shake your head, feeling embarrassed. “No, no! I live around here actually. This is just a coincidence.”
“A coincidence, huh? A lot of those lately.” He gives you another smile, this time more teasing. “We should just meet on purpose, you know.”
You stand here, taken aback by his words. Is he implying meeting intentionally?
He seems to feel your shift. “Unless, unless…” His eyes avert yours now, his ears turning a deeper shade of red. “Sorry. Unless you don’t want to. Maybe you’re already seeing someone.”
You shake your head quickly, “No. I’m…I’m not.” You’re not but it feels wrong to say it. “But I wasn’t assuming…anything. Like, if you were implying a date or something.”
Seokjin pouts his lips before glancing up at the ceiling, “Why not? You would have been right.”
You blink at him, taken aback again. “Oh.”
“I happen to know a pretty great restaurant. Maybe we can not coincidentally meet there?”
He’s…asking you out.
And it pains you because… “I can’t. Sorry,” You look down at your feet before glancing towards the jams. “Umm, I’m kind of going through something and—”
“—Oh.” Seokjin nods his head quickly. “No, no. I understand…you don’t have to explain. I’m kind of going through something too and I know that a good way to get through it is some nice company every now and then.” He gives you a warm smile, all the teasing gone. “I understand you though. So don’t worry but…” He suddenly pats his pants pockets before looking delighted. “In case you change your mind…I’m learning to…how do they kids say…shoot my shot.” He suddenly pulls out a receipt and a pen and scribbles something on it before handing it to you.
His number.
“Just in case!” He cheeses harder.
~
“I honestly don’t think it’s a big deal.” Misuk looks at you through the camera, her face looking brighter. “It’s just a date!”
“It is a big deal.” You whine again, “I’m in love with someone else and I have a whole lot of mess going on.”
Subin nods her head sympathetically, “That’s true. But I think Misuk means it’s not a big deal because it could be…” She pauses, clearly thinking of the right words. It’s amusing to you to see they might agree on this. “A good thing? A simple thing! A little, you know, fun thing!”
“Exactly!” Misuk drags out the word, “You don’t have to fall in love but you’re so focused on…you know, your memories…that you aren’t living life.”
“Uh,” You begin to defend yourself, “I’m—”
“—Yes, yes.” Misuk waves you off, “You are getting back into work! And that’s good! But you really should start living a normal life again.”
“And…” Subin looks off camera, her eyes looking softer. “It’s kind of the same. You are missing your memories, yes, and I’m so sorry…but 33 year old you was the same. Divorced. And I don’t think you were in any headspace to even think about wanting Jungkook back.” She finishes quietly.
“You wanted nothing to do with him.” Misuk tells you. “So just live a little…you know, just normal things. And who knows, it might help with your memories.”
You sit still for a moment. You’ll admit that you haven’t exactly been living normally. You mostly sit around all day, alone, surrounding yourself with things you don’t understand and torture yourself with memories of Jungkook.
“Anyway, I’ll let you guys know if anything changes.” You chuckle after you focus your eyes on your friends again. “I just got home so I gotta put these groceries ...away" Your eye notices the list lying on the counter and you realize..."Damn, and I forgot the eggs. Anyway, I’ll call later!” You sing out.
“Okay! Bye!”
“Bye!” Subin sings back. And you end the call.
Maybe they’re right. Maybe you deserve a little break or something simple and fun. You bite your lip, thoughts still lingering but you decide to reach into your back pocket and pull out the receipt Seokjin gave you. You shake your head quickly but reach for your phone and input the number and press call. You need light in this darkness.
~~
You hate feeling defeated.
Sitting on your sofa, blanket wrapped tightly around you as your hand clenches around this cold, empty and useless device.
The phone has either never been used or was completely wiped. You thought you could torture yourself with more information but you’ve come out of this empty handed. There’s nothing on here. No call history, no text history, no pictures or videos…nothing. You squeeze the phone harder, frustration still building. When your actual phone buzzes.
Your eyes shoot down to your now lit up phone and you drop the useless one to the couch cushion. It might be Subin gushing about this band she’s seeing this weekend. You’ll ignore—
Buzz.
You give in, reaching for your phone and your stomach does its usual uneasy swirling.
Jungkook 9:10pm
How are you feeling?
Jungkook 9:10pm
We don’t have to talk but at least tell me how youre doing…
Your eyes slam shut, the urge to cry too strong. Because you’re hurt. You’re hurting. You’re confused. You’re angry. And you’re sad.
Why are you so weak? You should delete him, block him and throw your whole phone away. Because your phone knows him and you don’t.
But you’re weak because you’re going to text back.
Except Jungkook beats you to it.
Jungkook 9:13pm
Did you get hit with a headache earlier? You okay? Have you seen your doctor lately?
All these questions are giving you different kind of headache.
You 9:13pm
Its fine, Im fine
You lie
Jungkook 9:13pm
Liar
You 9:14pm
Jungkook
You 9:14pm
Do you have a drinking problem?
You press send. You see the bubbles pop up your screen, indicating that he’s typing but they disappear. Then they reappear. And disappear again.
You 9:16pm
Jungkook?
Jungkook 9:16pm
Who told you that?
You feel your shoulders tense.
You 9:16pm
No one told me
You 9:17pm
I just remember when I went to your place…there was a lot of alcohol lying around and the place seemed rough
You 9:17pm
And idk I got thinking. Im not trying to accuse you or anything but…is what I saw…what I think it is?
You send. It’s not a total lie. Not what you’re referring to…but not a total lie.
You stare at the screen but there’s no indication if he’s read your message or not. No typing. Nothing. Your eyes glance at the clock and it reads 9:19pm now. It’s okay. Only two minutes. But why does it feel like eternity?
9:25pm and all you’ve done is sit, tightly wrapped in a blanket on your couch, and stare at your phone screen, touching the screen every time it times out. And still nothing.
But then you see bubbles pop up.
Back straightening, you breathe in and out as your eyes remain on the screen.
He’s been typing for three minutes.
You hold your breath now.
Jungkook 9:28pm
And if it is?
You let out a short breath, disbelief crawling all over your skin that you throw the blanket off of you and stand from the couch. Your memories are reliable.
You feel a sting pierce your eyes but you grit your teeth and hold any tears back. This is just too much for you to accept. You walk into the kitchen, frustration raging inside your body. You step up to the sink, hands gripping the edge of the counter before leaning forward, sighing out your anger.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Calming down, you immediately grab a bowl and sniffle to yourself. You’ll just do these dishes and forget all about this.
You take another bowl, the hot water burning your fingers and palms as you absentmindedly scrub it clean.
“Sometimes I think you wash clean dishes at this point.” Jungkook wraps his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest.
You laugh, “Not true.”
“The water is too hot, baby.” He nuzzles his face into your neck, suddenly pecking it softly. “You’re going to melt the skin off your bones.”
You realize he’s right, the water is really hot but you were just lost in thought. Your wedding is in two days. You get out of your thoughts while you set the bowl back into the sink and turn the faucet off. “I’m just—”
“I know.” Jungkook nuzzles his nose into your warm skin. “I can’t believe you’re the one who’s nervous between us.”
You sigh, small smile on your face. “I’m not nervous. But I am, a little.”
“I know.”
“Not in a bad way.”
“I know that too.”
“In a…marrying the love of my life, wow life is crazy kind of way.” You dry your hands before twisting in Jungkook’s embrace and you lean in to kiss him. “You probably know what I mean.”
He laughs against your lips, “I would be the one who knows exactly what you mean.”
Your lips twist into a sheepish smile, “I missed you today.”
“I missed you more.”
You roll your eyes, a teasing smile forming now. “Liar.”
He looks surprised for a second before rolling his own eyes, “I’m serious.”
“You’re only serious about work nowadays.” You tease him, and you are mostly teasing. It’s only lately he’s been zeroed in on a case.
But Jungkook frowns, “It isn’t going well.” He admits to you. “I don’t know that we’ll get this one.”
“You will.” You lean forward more and nudge your nose against his, “You are the best there is.”
Jungkook chuckles, “Unfortunately I’m still in the ‘proving myself’ phase.”
“Here too.” You continue to tease him, “Still deciding if this wedding is happ—”
“—Heeeeey, don’t joke like that.” Jungkook nudges his nose against yours now, “Tell me I’m the best here too.”
Your hands trail down his chest, eyes focusing on his. “You are.”
“I wish Jimin would tell me that too.” He laughs a little but you know he’s serious. You take his hands in yours.
“You guys are new at being partners. Give it time, babe.”
“He hates me.” Jungkook sighs, “He thinks I mess everything up. And honestly, I can’t blow this one, y/n. The captain believes in me, which is good but my own partner doubts me.”
You understand this is hard for Jungkook to accept.
“Listen…” You give his hands a squeeze. “This is your first big one, right? Take it slow and I know you won’t get flustered like the last one.”
He immediately drops his hands from yours, “I can’t get like how I was with the last one.” Jungkook takes a step away from you, “This one is way too serious…the men I’m dealing with, y/n…you have no idea. I can’t mess this up.”
“Baby…” You feel bad for bringing up the last case he took with Jimin. He got too involved emotionally and when things didn’t end up well for the victim…”It’s okay. You have me to talk about this with and—”
“—But I don’t. I’m legally not allowed to. I got in trouble with sharing so much last time and…fuck,” Jungkook pauses. Closes his eyes slowly before taking a step forward and reaching for your hands again. “This is not what we need to be talking about right before our wedding. I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” You give his hands another squeeze. “We share our lives. With or without marriage, right?”
“I only wanna talk about us.” He breathes out softly, his lips inching closer to yours. “Let’s focus on you and me.”
And your skin is burning again. It’s on fire. Too much fire, it hurts.
And that’s when you realize you’re still here at your kitchen sink, hot lava rushing to your skin, burning you as you hold the bowl you were cleaning.
You take a deep breath, taking a step back from the sink when you slam your eyes shut and let out a loud groan. You don’t even flinch when the sound of glass hits the floor because you’ve thrown the bowl. You don’t care.
Another memory.
And it seems they’re all out of order.
~~
Another bead of sweat dribbles down the side of Jungkook’s face, rolling right off his skin. And another miserable night. He gently throws his head back against the bathroom wall, his hairline drenched from hour two of hurling in the toilet. He’s drank too much again. Maybe some bad food poisoning in there. But even still, he knows he’s drank too much.
He isn’t abusing the alcohol, really. Not lately. But he knows what it can do to him. He hates it. He hates himself.
He hates this existence.
Jungkook squeezes his eyes shut before he groans to himself, knocking his head back a few more times. What is he doing?
He misses you.
He wants to make things right.
How?
Jungkook wipes his mouth with the back of his hand before trying to stand from the floor. He’s wobbly but he manages. He’s tired and he isn’t sleeping and he can’t because he knows you’re not. This is how he feels like he’s with you, the only real support he can give.
He looks at himself in the mirror, his tired eyes staring back at him. He wants to tell that guy to fuck off, for some reason. He wants to scoff at him and offer him no sympathy. Jungkook wants to raise his hands to that man’s throat and squeeze. He wants to swear at him and curse him. His mouth twists and his eyes grow teary and he sighs. Because all he can do is cry for him.
His head snaps up when the bathroom counter vibrates from his phone. Someone’s texted.
Unknown Number
Its me
Buzz.
Unknown Number
We need to talk
#bts#jeon jungkook#jungkook smut#jungkook angst#jungkook fluff#bts angst#jungkook x reader#jungkook x you#bts fanfic#jungkooks fics#Kim Namjoon#Kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#park jimin#Kim taehyung#our time chapter 7
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Always, Us (Suchwita)
Min Yoongi/FemIdol!Reader Requests open!
Warnings: Established relationship, discussion of pregnancy and marriage, idol!au
Word Count: 1506 M.list
‘Today on suchwita, we have someone people have wanted for a long while.’ Yoongi addressed the cameras as you stood at the side, excitedly waiting for your cue. Since Yoongi started his show, fans had wanted you to make an appearance, but there was never a good enough reason for you to appear until now. You don’t know if the reason fans wanted you here because they genuinely liked you, or if they just wanted to be nosey about your relationship now that it was public. Either way, you were happy to do this for Yoongi.
‘It’s Y/N of the group Prima.’ He stood from his seat and welcomed you with a bow, before pulling your chair out for you. You feigned shock as you sat down.
‘This is how you know cameras are around. He’s acting like a gentleman.’
‘YAH! Don’t say that!’ He snorted with a laugh as he sat down opposite you. ‘I’m always kind.’
‘Sure if you say so.’
‘I’m sure you noticed I got your favourite alcohol here. I’ll keep it for myself if you carry on.’ He smirked, gesturing to the various colourful bottles on the table.
‘You wanna play that game?’ You challenged, leaning forwards with a smirk to match his own. Yoongi relented, leaning back and waving his hands with a smile.
‘Ok, we’re getting off topic and we haven’t even started yet.’ You also relaxed, but you knew you had won that round.
‘As I was aying, this is your favourite. Let me pour you a glass.’ You held out your glass and thanked him as he poured.
‘People have been curious about us since we went public right?’ You asked, getting right into why you were there.
‘Yes.’ He agreed, drinking from his own glass. ‘How did it feel for you to finally be open after having to hide it for so long?’ Yoongi had given you a brief run down of the kind of questions that would be asked the night before, so that you could prepare, though you didn’t want to just write and memorise a script, especially when it came to your love life. You wanted your words to be as natural as possible.
‘It felt good to not have to sneak around. I know you were relieved too.’ Yoongi nodded in agreement.
‘It made me feel like we were a couple of horny teenagers sneaking out at night.’ He laughed.
‘Oh yeah you’re right! But looking back I don’t know why we hid it so long. People have been shipping us since we first met pretty much.’ You smiled warmly, thinking back to when you posted a picture of yourself and a young trainee Yoongi onto your groups twitter account. Yoongi wasn’t well know back then, but your fans were curious about your connection to the young trainee.
‘Do you remember how we met?’ Yoongi asked, smoothly moving the conversation along. You didn’t answer right away. You looked down as a subtle blush spread across your cheeks as you thought of the memory.
‘Why are you blushing? Don’t get shy now!’ Yoongi laughed as he called you out.
‘Shut up.’ You mumbled, all in good fun.
‘Ok. I was late for rehearsal and I ended up barging into your guys room by accident.’ You cringe at that part. ‘ You all stared at me and I was so embarrassed, but you also offended me that day!!’ Yoongi raised his eyebrows questioningly. Had he really?
‘Yes!’ You exclaimed, making him a little nervous. ‘You didn’t know who I was! Even though I debuted like 2 years before that!’ Yoongi sighed in relief and rolled his eyes.
‘I told you before! I didn’t know many current groups back then! I was too busy trying to debut myself.’
‘Yeah, sure.’ You crossed your arms with a pout.
‘Why are you pressed about that still? It was over a decade ago!’
‘That’s not the point! I’m your senior so you should respect me!’ Yoongi choked out and exasperated laugh, before he addressed the crew.
‘do you see what I deal with on a daily basis?’
‘You see! This is what I mean.’ You laughed whilst gesturing towards him. ‘No respect...’ Yoongi shook his head, laughing at the interaction.
‘You know, my mom keeps asking me when we’re going to give her grand kids.’ You froze and internally cursed him for bringing up this topic. It’s not like you don’t want babies with him, it just never felt like the right time to try. Especially now with his military service coming up...
‘I always thought we’d try after your enlistment, but we never really discussed it....’ You confessed, feeling the energy of the room die slightly. You saw Yoongi’s eyes widen ever so slightly at your answer, but he covered it up by rubbing his face.
You weren’t lying when you said it hadn’t been talked about, so your answer definitely caught him off guard.
‘We also need to find time for a wedding.’ He played it off cooly, trying to move on with a joke. You frowned to yourself. His reaction was strange. This definitely needed more investigating.
The remainder of filming flew by. You’d managed to avoid any more awkwardness after that and put on a good show. You were fairly certain that part would be cut anyway. It may have been a little too personal to bring it up in that way in hindsight....
‘So, do you want to talk about what you said?’ Both you and Yoongi were sat in his car in the parking lot. You could get a lift from the company driver, but Yoongi proffered the freedom of being able to drive himself. ‘About having kids?’ He looked over to you with an expression you couldn’t quite read. Looking down at your hands in your lap, you began to speak.
‘I meant what I said. I want kids with you, but I ... also don’t want to give up my career...’ You trailed off. He sucked in a breath at your words, but stayed silent. ‘I just said that about your enlistment because I didn’t know what else to say.’ You sniffled slightly, but you were determined to not get upset. Yoongi placed a comforting hand on your thigh and leaned across the console.
‘Hey. You won’t loose your career. You really think Bang PD would let you go after all these years?’ He spoke soothingly. No matter how hard you tried, you couldn’t stop a few tears escaping your eyes.
‘I know it’s stupid to think this way but-‘ Yoongi quickly shook his head.
‘Don’t talk like that. If you’re upset it’s not stupid, ok?’ He had now moved his hand to the back of your neck, rubbing calming circles into your skin. You slowly looked up at him to see him giving you a reassuring smile. You were unable to stop yourself from reaching up and pulling him into a hug, or as much as you could manage with the gear box between you.
‘I’m sorry I got upset.’ You mumbled into his neck. He craned his neck to place a kiss on the side of your head.
‘Nothing to be sorry for.’ You both stayed like that for a few relaxing moment as you calmed down. Pulling back, you wiped at your eyes before quickly pecking his lips.
‘We need to talk properly at some point, but right now I need you to take me home so I can stuff my face with ice cream.’ Yoongi broke out into his iconic gummy smile as he stared at you.
‘You must be feeling better if you can crack jokes. Now put your seatbelt on woman.’ Yoongi pulled out of the parking lot and started the journey home. You both sat in comfortable silence, only the sounds of the quiet radio played in the car. You thought back to the filming, when you suddenly remembered something he so casually said during the interview.
‘So...’ He glanced at you briefly, before looking back to the road. ‘What was that about a wedding?’ You smirked when he choked on his own spit and clearing his throat.
‘Ah yeah. That...’
‘You haven’t even proposed to me.’ You teased, hoping he might get a hint. Yoongi fully looked at you when he pulled up to a traffic light, smile tugging at his lips.
‘Do you want me to?’
‘I certainly wouldn’t be oppose to the idea!’ You both sent coy smiles to each other and that was that. Conversation over.’ The two of you didn’t need to get married to know you loved each other, but having said that...
And thus, a few weeks later, Korea woke to the news that you and Yoongi had secretly eloped and made your marriage official.
You had a lot of explaining to do to your parents, but you got out of it by promising that you would have a ‘proper’ ceremony at a later date. For now though, you were both content with how things were.
#bts#bts x reader#imagine#one shot#scenario#drabble#reaction#smut#angst#fluff#kim seokjin#min yoongi#jung hoseok#kim namjoon#park jimin#kim taehyung#jeon jungkook#idol!au#Request
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American Mate - (4)
First Case of Alpha Space
Paring: Hybrid!BTS Ot7 x Plus-sized Human FemReader
Status: Ongoing series
Chapter number: 4 of unknown
Word count for Chapter: 4132
Work count for Story: 16,244
Genre: Hybrid Playmate Au inspired by works created by @yoongiofmine
A little about the author: I am a mother of two beautiful children. One of which is special needs, and on 3/28, they lost 75% of their vision. I have had to take time off work to accommodate many MANY doctor appointments. I started a Ko-fi if you feel the heart to donate towards helping with the medical costs of appointments, medication, and modifications to the house, which insurance doesn't cover.
Warnings: (I am not good at this, but I will try. Let me know if I missed anything!!) NOT BETA READ!! This story will have a bit of angst, fluff, smut, f/m, m/m, and m/f/m. This chapter does have Injury, Anxiety, Panic attacks, comfort, Alpha Space, and Cultural differences.
Story Summary: The Hybrid K-pop group BTS is on tour in America; of course, things don't start out the way they should, but after an encounter with Y/n, things change but will everyone follow Fate?
Is it really that big of a deal that you got hurt? My god, you were 35 already. You have never lived a sheltered life. You have had your fair share of broken bones, twisted ankles, scrapes, and bruises.
You are always going on adventures, riding horses, and climbing things you probably should not be climbing. The external scars you bear are associated with stories that are good conversation starters when you feel like showing them.
Things would be difficult for a while because you are right-handed. You have a few days of sick time saved up that you can use to start with. Hopefully, this will help you gain some kind of compliance from your award left hand.
Work, however, is going to be the hard part. Luckily, your work is typically done on electronics, meaning nothing has to be handwritten. Even if you tried to write left-handed, no one could read it. You would bet money doctors had better writing than you did. Dictation software to save the day!
Hearing Derek’s voice broke you out of your thoughts regarding your near future. Watching him act cautiously while interacting with the other hybrid was interesting. There is clearly a difference in how he acts with Yoongi than Evie. Giggling to yourself at the mention of being a mate with Derek gains the attention of both.
“Oh, sorry. The thought of being a mate, much less to Derek, was amusing, I guess.”
You missed the slight frown that briefly graced both men’s faces. Derek thought you were implying he wasn’t mate material, and Yoongi thought you believed you were not worthy of being a mate.
“Thanks Y/n. I let you know that I am a catch despite being a Beta. Besides, this isn’t about me right now. We need to get the leadership involved with what to do moving forward. Are you okay if we bring in the others?”
“Yes, please. I need to speak with Director Johnson, fill out an incident report… um or dictate an incident report, and then get to a doctor.” Attempting to stand up, you are blocked by the golden-yellow eyes that have not stopped watching your every move.
”Mr. Min, I need to get some things done and take care of my wrist.”
Yoongi’s eyes narrow, and a soft growl pours through the room, causing your eyes to widen. You look over your shoulder at Derek with a ‘what-the-F-did-I-do’ expression, only to be met with a smirk.
“Y/n, I don’t think you understand what is going on. You haven’t dealt with a situation like this before. You may love hybrids but you still have limited interactions with our culture and this dynamic.”
Walking backward toward the door, Derek continues, “With the state of mind that Mr. Min is in, it might be best if a packmate explains.”
Derek opens the break room door to face Hosek, Teahyung, Namjoon, and Jungkook, who are all staring. “Oh, Hi there.”
Then, as if someone had turned the mute off, they all started talking simultaneously.
“Is Yoongi-hyung dropped yet?”
“그 사람 괜찮아요?”
“Why does she still smell hurt?”
“Wait, wait, wait, please,” Derek puts his hands up, motioning to stop.
“I do not know Korean for one and for two Mr. Min has gone into full non-verbal Alpha Space and I am not sure he will be coming out of it anytime soon. However, one of you should go in to handle the situation and she needs to talk with Director Johnson.”
At the mention of the director, a low growl came from Taehyung, causing Derek to take a step back and lower his eyes in an automatic response to a displeased Alpha.
The scent of calming leather gently flows over the group at the door as Namjoon steps forward. His mind is still reeling a million miles a second with you being their mate and you being injured. To top it off, Yoongi is on a deep level of Alpha Space.
“Sorry about that. I can come in, but the director is busy at the moment dealing with the playmates, corporate office, and Manager Sejin,” Namjoon apologizes as he enters the room.
He follows Derek to where his packmate and Y/n are situated at a table. Taehyung and Jungkook follow quickly.
They both kneel respectfully behind Yoongi. Their Alphas recognize that Yoongi is currently in charge of you, and it would be unwise to display anything that could be considered a threat by approaching you too quickly.
They both need to be close to you, and their instincts to be with their injured mate drive their actions. Looking you over for injuries, their eyes resting on your wrist with furrowed brows and set jaws.
Taehyung’s eyes change to crystal blue as his tail flickers almost in time with Yoongi’s as he slips into Alpha Space.
“Namjoon-hyung, Y/n is hurt. She needs a hospital, I think,” Jungkook says, his ears standing straight up on his head, one-pointedly focused on you and the other twitching between his Prime Alpha and the door.
“It is not that big of an issue, Mr. Jeon, Mr. Min, and Mr. Kim.” Looking up from the trio in front of you and addressing the Prime Alpha, “Sir, I have specific protocols to follow due to company procedure. I have to talk with the Director.”
A growl from one of the men in front of you freezes your words, unsure of what you did to cause their reactions. Internally, you groan because it seems all you get from them are growls, as if you vex them more than you humanly possible.
“Miss Y/n, we have already talked to Director Johnson,” Namjoon says with a look of distaste.
“He has been informed that you are now under the care of Bangtan Pack following hybrid customs. It would be wise to refrain from talking about him at the moment, he did not leave a good impression with the pack.”
Your brows scrunch in confusion, making the hybrids want to coo at your cute face. Clearing his throat (aka his mind), Namjoon continues, “We have more pressing matters to attend to besides paperwork.”
“You are injured, and we have to get you to a doctor. Manager Sejin is currently contacting one of our personal physicians that we normally use while on tour to have you treated.”
“What? Why would I use your doctor? I can just go to the local clinic.” Your scent spikes almost like a heavy perfume with anxiety with the flashbacks of your nightmare.
“Please, I have taken up much of your time, and caused enough problems as it is. I can take care of myself. I don’t want to be a bother.”
At your words, you are surrounded by multiple growls and watched by now golden-yellow, crystal blue, and smokey gray eyes. Scooting back in the chair, you nervously ask, “Derek, what did I do?”
“Y/n, you really don’t get it do you? For as smart as you are, sometimes you can be oblivious.” He smiles and shakes his head, stepping back from the group and heading towards the door.
“Mr. Kim, as Prime Alpha, you might want to explain what is happening and what she should be expecting. Mind you, she has been fiercely independent for the last 15 years of her life.”
“I wish you the best with her. It won’t be easy, trust me, I know. Good Luck.” Derek bows slightly to Namjoon once he reaches the break room door.
Looking at you again, this time with a smile filled with adoration for his best friend and what he thinks your future may hold, Derek says, “Relax and have fun.” Then he turns and leaves the room.
As Derek leaves the room, he smiles at the remaining pack guarding the door. “Mr. Kim, Mr. Jung, and Mr.Park, I think your human does not understand what is happening.”
“Our human? So you know?” Seokjin questions with wide, cautious eyes.
Derek looks over his shoulder at the closed break room door. “At first, I thought it was just a typical Alpha reaction with him being the cause of Y/n getting injured, but his care and gentleness seemed to come from somewhere deeper. Add on the fact that your other two are fighting Alpha space. It would be hard to miss.”
“The other two?” someone asks.
Shaking his head, Derek looks back at the remaining three. “Yes, the younger Mr. Kim and Mr. Jeon’s Alphas surfaced just before I left. Your Prime Alpha is going to try to sort things out, but he may need some back up.”
“Meanwhile I am going to find our boss and see what needs to be done before you all run away with her.” Derek leaves the pack to mull over the new information.
“Tae has never been one to control his Alpha well when one of us is hurt. I am not surprised if he slipped once near her. Kook always runs on instinct too, so it makes sense he slipped as well,” Seokjin contemplates.
“Should we stay out here? Miss y/n’s pack member said it would be better to go in and help Namjoon? Three of us in Alpha space with an injured mate is not going to be easy,” Hosek adds.
Nibbling on his lower lip, Jimin thinks of ways to handle the situation. Even though he is one of the younger packmates, keeping the pack calm is his gift.
He just doesn’t know how to handle you yet, especially since you don’t know what you mean to the pack.
“Good, at least three of you are here, and I assume the rest have made their way into the room with Miss Y/n,” Manager Sejin says while walking up to the group.
“I have spoken with Big Hit, the Director at Playmate Service Incorporated, and Dr. Blackwell. Everyone is onboard and the doctor is ready to go.”
“Thank you,” Seokjin says, feeling relief that no one seems to be fighting this. “Namjoon is in with the rest of the pack and Miss Y/n, we should go in. From what Mr. Gulley says, Miss y/n does not seem to understand the situation to the fullest. I just hope that Namjoon can clear some things up.”
“Relax and have fun? What does he mean by that?” You mumble as you glare at the now-closed door that one of your best friends just shut.
He willingly left you with four Alpha male idols.
Three of them are kneeling on the floor with non-human eyes, and the Prime Alpha, looking around the room like the way to explain what's happening is painted on the walls.
Taking a breath, you say, “Mr. Kim, Prime Alpha… Sir. Derek is right. I have no actual experience with Alphas. I can tell that there must be some kind of instinctual drive going on, and there are trigger words or actions.”
“I don’t want to cause any more trouble than I already have. What do I do to make it easier for your pack?”
At your words, the kneeling Alphas gave a multitude of pleasant chirps. You looked at the three of them, a little confused. They seemingly smiled and made almost the same sound at what you said.
Okay, so they can growl and chirp. Your curiosity spikes when you think of what other animal-like sounds they can make as hybrids.
Drawing your attention back to him, Namjoon finds the words to explain what is happening, “Miss Y/n, you have done so much to help the Bangtan Pack feel welcome today.”
With a gentle smile, he continues, “So please relax, you have not caused any trouble, and we highly doubt that you will.”
Thinking to himself, ‘At least, not in the way you seem to be thinking.’
“Alpha’s run with a higher level of instinct than your Beta packmember. As an Alpha, Yoongi instinctually feels responsible for your injury. In order to calm that instinct, a few things will most likely need to happen.”
Watching as you seem to sit up with interest, he continues, “First things first, he and his Alpha need to get at least your injury treated.”
“He has to be the one to take me to get it treated? I can’t have him go with me to the clinic! There are fans and sasaengs and the media! What about your schedule? You always hear about the tight schedules Idols have and you have already spent all afternoon here over this.”
You start panicking about the hordes of people you hear about following the band around. God, the amount of bad publicity that would come from catching you and THE Suga of BTS at a clinic. You can’t imagine what nonsense they would come up with?
Your scent goes into an even heavier version; it takes on an almost alcoholic aspect. The kneeling Alphas instinctually send out calming pheromones while moving closer.
Yoongi’s tail, still wrapped around your ankle, tightens while he gently rubs the back of your injured hand, which he is cradling protectively.
Taehyung starts to purr softly, hoping that the sound will comfort you.
Jungkook, on instinct alone, scoots up to your left side, nudges his head under your left hand, and rests on your leg.
The feeling of Jungkook’s head on your leg snaps you out of your thoughts and brings you back into the room. You hold still as you start to recognize similar comforting behaviors the Alphas are doing with those that Evie always does, allowing you to take a deep breath.
“Sorry. I was raised to take care of myself and not impose on others.”
“Miss Y/n, you are not imposing. Again, Yoogni ran into you while rushing out of the room, and it's his responsibility to make amends. Actually, as a bonded pack, it is our responsibility, too.”
“The pack? Like all of you? Is this why they are all like this, with their eyes and stuff?”
Absent-mindedly, you run your fingers through Jungkook’s hair, softly scratching his scalp, soothing not only yourself but also the youngest Alpha.
A soft chuckle escapes Namjoons as he watches your instinctual interactions with the youngest mate. “Yes, that is the best way to explain the eyes and stuff, as you put it.”
“Jungkook and Taehyung will find it easier to leave their Alpha Space since they are not the ones responsible for the injury but trying to be supportive to both of you.”
Hearing a knock on the door, he calls, “Who is it?”
“Namjoon-ssi, it's Manager Sejin. I have some updates and a few questions. Can I enter?” The door opens slightly to reveal it’s him.
At Namjoon's nod, he enters. The door remains open as the scents in the room are constricting in their density. He is followed by the rest of the pack, who take up guarding now from inside.
“Did you contact everyone?”
“Big Hit and the Corporate Director are on the same page and will follow the hybrid protocol, but details must be discussed once Miss Y/n has met with the doctor,” Manager Sejin reports to the Prime Alpha.
Moving to look at you, he continues, “I contacted Dr. Blackwell, thinking you may be more comfortable with a female doctor.”
Glancing at the boys surrounding you closely, his scent changes with curiosity. He raises an eyebrow, looking at Namjoon. With a subtle nod, he confirms that something more is happening but does not move to explain.
Looking back at you, he gently smiles, “With the situation at hand, it may be best to limit other males around you until everyone is out of Alpha space. They tend to get territorial. Dr. Blackwell is on standby, ready to assess and treat you once we know where you will be.”
“Why wouldn’t she just come here, or I go to her?”
“Miss Y/n, Dr. Blackwell is a traveling physician. She doesn’t have a permanent office to use but she is well respected in both the human and hybrid communities.”
“Oh, I see. Well, umm…” you look at Namjoon and ask, “What option would be best for your pack?”
Namjoon’s chest puffs slightly at your show of respect to him as the Pack Prime Alpha despite the situation and your pain level. “Not to make you uncomfortable, Miss Y/n, but I think meeting Dr. Blackwell at our AirBnB would be best.”
You take a moment to think, your hand pulsing with pain. They cannot all fit in your flat; it's a mess after you tore through your closet to find the right clothes for today.
They don’t seem to like being here. Instinctually, even Derek and Evie prefer being in their dens when one of the three of you is hurt or sick.
“Okay. If it is best for the pack, then I will go with you to the AirBnB and see Dr. Blackwell.”
It’s almost as if a weight is lifted out of the room, allowing the pack to take a breath.
“Yoon, Kook, and Tae. Can you give Miss Y/n some room? We have to take her to the pack house to see a doctor,” Namjoon says with a firm voice, gaining smiles from the men kneeling on the floor.
Jungkook stands and curls into the Prime Alpha, his eyes returning to their natural color.
Taehyung rocks back on his heels but remains near. His body is more relaxed and his eyes are still crystal blue, shifting between Yoongi and you in wait.
After watching the two younger Alphas move around, your attention turns to the Jaguar kneeling with expectant but questioning eyes.
“Mr. Min, if I promise that you can stay with me, will you let me go get my things and then you can take me to the pack house?”
Yoongi’s face lights up with a gummy smile as he nods. Your breath hitches at the sight. How can the devastatingly handsome rapper look so adorable?
He stands up, his tail unwrapping from your leg. He softly takes both of your hands while he assists you in standing. You smile and mumble a small thanks as you step forward to leave.
“Prime Alpha, do you think I can talk with Derek briefly to let him know what is happening? This way he can talk to the direc… Boss. Talk to the boss and let him know that I am leaving for the day?”
“Yes, talking to him will be fine. He has been established as part of your familial pack and won’t be considered a threat to the pack if he comes around you now,” Namjoon answers, moving out of your way and motioning for the rest to let you pass.
Bowing slightly, “Thank you, Prime Alpha.”
Making it to your desk is more complicated than one would think.
Yoongi won’t leave your right side, while Taehyung won’t leave your left. Both act like it's code red and someone is trying to assassinate you. Then you have the rest of BTS trailing behind like some kind of posse.
You keep your head down to avoid any strange looks or glares from whomever you pass. To your relief, you find Derek waiting at your desk with his head resting on his palms and a mischievous smile.
“I see you are taking things in stride,” glancing at your plethora of bodyguards. “Did the Prime Alpha explain everything to you?”
Speaking up from the back of the group, Namjoon answers for you, “She is aware that we are responsible for her at this time and she will be treated at our temporary pack house by our doctor.”
You don’t miss Derek's look of concern as he tilts his head with curiosity at Namjoon. “I see, of course. You are just responsible for getting her treated.”
“Derek, can you please let the big boss know that I will be leaving with Bangtan Pack to seek medical care and once I have more updates I will let you both know?”
Glancing at Yoongi and still seeing his lovely golden-yellow eyes, you try to ignore the slight flutter in your stomach, “I don’t think it would be good for me to talk with him myself still.”
Derek nods in response, “Manager Sejin has already given the boss a rough time frame for the near future. I suppose his managing skills came in handy. Don’t worry about us here. We can handle it while you heal.”
Standing up, Derek passes you your purse, which Taehyung takes. You try to grab it again, but only to have a black and white tail wrap around your arm and bring it back down to your side.
“No carry. Keep safe.” Taehyung almost grunts out in a deeper-than-deep voice, which short-circuits your brain.
Glancing at Derek out of the side of your eye, you see him briefly nod and smile encouragingly while he whispers, “It’s an Alpha Space thing. Best acknowledge his help.”
“Umm… Th-tha-hank you, Alpha,” you stammer out, willing the heat creeping up your neck to stop as your words pull a boxy grin from the Tiger.
“I think that is it,” you announce to nobody in particular. You smile awkwardly at Derek as he slowly approaches you.
“Y/n, you have been through so much. Not just today but in your life. You have always been the one to take the blame for others, working harder or longer than anyone else and caring for those who never return the favor.”
His eyes glance at the men surrounding you as he sees nods of understanding and looks of concern from them.
As a soft smile blooms on his face, he holds onto your good hand, “Take time for yourself and let this pack of Alphas take care of you. You deserve it more than anyone else I know.”
He pulls you into a hug. You briefly stiffen, waiting for the growling and pulling to start, but to your surprise, it doesn't. Relaxing into his hug, you take his words to heart.
A soft whisper in your ear, “You know you will always have Evie and me as your family pack, but right now, be open to the pack around you,” with one last squeeze, Derek steps back and returns to your desk.
“Now, shoo! Off you go. The boss said I’ll get to man the front desk for now.”
With a nod, you wave goodbye and face the hybrids behind you. After not finding Manager Sejin and a few others missing, your eyes settle automatically on Namjoon, waiting for a clue as to what to do next.
“Manager Sejin went down to get the cars. Seokjin-hyung, Hosek-hyung, and Jimin also went down because we won’t all fit in the elevator.”
“Oh,” you feel a slight tightening in your chest after realizing you didn’t even notice they had gone.
“Miss Y/n, let's take you to get looked at,” Junkook says while inching towards the office doors.
“Yeah, sure. Sorry, I have everything. Lead the way.”
You follow the bunny and wolf hybrid while still sandwiched between the tiger and jaguar. Walking through the halls, you gain some attention from the people you pass.
You’re a mere human surrounded by some of the hottest Idols in the world right now. So why wouldn’t they?
Not willing to look up, you keep your eyes cast down to the feet in front of you as you try to avoid what you are a gazillion percent sure are looks of disgust and hate towards you.
Once the elevator doors open, the tiger lets out a low growl. Glancing up, you see two fellow PMS employees quickly scamper out of the elevator and down the hall.
That added to the embarrassment for now and when you return to work.
Namjoon and Jungkook take the back corners. Looking at the men by your sides, they motion for you into the elevator next.
However, when you go to stand in another corner, you are quickly ushered back into the middle with Yoongi and Taehyung in front of you.
The energy calms down as the doors close. The four Alphas relax now that they surround you and will start taking care of you.
Even if your trust in them starts with an injury, they know this is their chance to show you what it means to be taken care of, acknowledged as precious, and loved endlessly by the seven of them.
As the doors part, you're greeted by the remaining packmates waiting for you, smiles warm and welcoming. They're surrounded by more men in black, whom you assume are bodyguards.
Turning to look at you, Yoongi speaks for the first time since he entered Alpha Space, “Take home. Keep safe.”
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Hi! Can you do part 2 to the “they can’t find you after a fight” reaction? Love your writings 💖
He can't find you after asking you to leave during an argument (part 2) ~ BTS Reactions
Genre: Angst, Fluff
A/n: Some won't have happy endings, just a heads up :)Alsooo I TOTALLY got carried away and wrote too much lol, enjoy!
← Part 1 // BTS Reactions // Masterlist
Kim Namjoon:
Namjoon released a sigh of relief the moment his eyes landed on your figure not too far away from him, jogging up to you and frowning when you didn't look up at him.
"Why did you leave?" Namjoon huffed, wiping his brown and sitting down beside you on the pavement. His leg extended across the road, slipping his hand into his pocket to take your phone out.
"You even left this behind, you scared the shit out of me, (Y/n)."
You looked across at the passing cars without responding, the flashing lights occasionally illuminating your face and making the tears in your eyes visible to Namjoon.
"Baby, I'm sorry," Namjoon whispered under his breath. "I really am. Would you please look at me?"
Namjoon tentatively poked a finger into your forearm, testing the waters to see if you'd react badly. When you didn't, Namjoon delicately slipped his hand into your palm and ran his thumb over the skin of your wrist.
"I'm really sorry. I was being such a jerk."
When a lone tear rolled down the side of your face, Namjoon looked pained. He reached up and wiped it away with the back of his hand, giving it a few more swipes when he accidentally got some of the dirt that was on his hand onto your skin.
"Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?"
You breathed out shakily, dropping your gaze and looking down. When Namjoon shuffled closer to you, a tear in his jeans caught your attention.
"What's this?" You reached for the material over his knee. Namjoon quickly jerked away in panic, letting go of your hand and holding it over his knee.
"Nothing," he squeaked, clearing his throat and repeating it again.
"Show me," you placed your hand over his, tugging it away from his jeans. You tenderly touched the denim material that was darkened with dirt and mud, not missing the wince that came from him when you pulled it away from his skin.
"Did you fall?" You looked up into his eyes through the darkness of the night.
"No?"
"Don't lie to me," you snapped, losing your patience. You unlocked your phone to turn the torch on but his warm hand that covered yours stopped you.
"Don't see it."
"Namjoon," you tried to convince him. "Show me."
"No. I've hurt you enough already." Namjoon swallowed thickly, taking your phone away from you and pushing it back into his pocket.
"Seeing how bad it is won't hurt me, Namjoon."
"You sure about that?" He quipped, giving you a pointed look. You sighed, your shoulders dropping in defeat.
"At least tell me what happened."
"I fell for you, again," he smirked to himself when you clicked your tongue, shoving his shoulder lightly.
"Does it hurt?" You placed two delicate fingers over his thigh, frightened that you'd hurt him.
"A little, not as much as I hurt you, though."
"Right," you scoffed under your breath. "You did hurt me."
Namjoon nodded sadly. "I'm really sorry, baby. I didn't even take a moment to think about what you might've been feeling, that was really bad of me. I'm sorry for all the shit I told you."
"It's alri-"
"I'm sorry for asking you to leave the car. That was very low of me. It wasn't safe and I still let you go. I'm sorry."
"It's okay now," you sighed tiredly. "I knew you needed your time to calm down, so I let you be. I also know that you're genuinely sorry, so it's fine now. Let's just go home."
"At times like this, I wish I passed that stupid driving test," he mumbled under his breath. "I can't even drive you back home like a proper boyfriend should."
You snorted, standing up and holding a hand out for him to take.
"I'll teach you how to drive. Because if this ever happens again, I won't be sitting just a few minutes away from you. You'll need a car to find me, then."
"I'll just stick to running."
You gasped at his words.
"Are you saying that this could happen aga-"
Namjoon quickly covered your mouth with his hand, pushing you in the direction of the car.
"No. It's never happening again. Nope."
Kim Seokjin: (sunburnt Seokjin on demand)
Seokjin felt lightheaded, coming to a stop under a tree and holding a palm over his head.
"Holy shit," he gasped, pushing his fingers into his eyes that were burning. "Why is it so hot?"
Turning to see if he could sit down somewhere for a while, he paused when he caught sight of someone wearing the same shirt that you had worn. Blinking a few times, Seokjin let out a tiny scream, stomping his foot on the ground and looking back at you again.
"At least she's safe," he grumbled, making a run for it and wincing when a drop of sweat slipped into his right eye.
You jumped in surprise when the door of the little shop slammed open, the three heads that were peacefully eating their noodles all turning to look at the source of the noise.
"Looks like you're having fun, huh?" Seokjin exhaled, holding onto the last bit of his anger before deflating into a sigh and shaking his head.
"Why weren't you answering my calls?"
"I didn't want to," you shrugged, picking up your raspberry crush and taking a long sip. "Why were you calling me anyway? I was tempted to just answer and tell you to shut up."
"You should've," Seokjin complained, walking over to sit across from you. You quickly raised your feet from under the table, crossing them and placing them over the cushioned seat that he was going to sit on.
He looked up at you in disbelief.
"Go sit somewhere else."
"Is your name written on this seat that you're not letting me sit?" He sassed, placing the carton of ORS and the chocolate that he had been carrying all this time on the table.
"Actually it is," you took another sip before pointing at the seat. "Look closely."
Seokjin swallowed thickly at the sight of the icy refreshment in your hand, tempted to take it from you and drink the rest of it. Reluctantly detaching his gaze from the glass, Seokjin looked down at the seat to see a tissue placed over it with the words 'Seat reserved for people who are not jerks.'
"Pfft-" Seokjin scoffed, widening his eyes and looking at you like you had grown an extra head. "What the hell?"
"It is what it is, get out. Oh- thank you so much," you bowed gratefully at the old lady who waddled over with a plate of pasta and a warm smile. "This smells delicious."
"Eat well, and don't faint again, okay? I'll get you another juice."
Seokjin's eyes grew twice in size, his head snapping back to you when the lady walked away.
"You fainted?!"
"Not really," you rolled your eyes. "I told her to say that in front of you so that you'd feel like shit."
"You'd never admit that to me if you really did that, (Y/n)," he placed a hand over his hip. "Did you faint?"
"I didn't," you picked up your fork, avoiding his eye. Seokjin breathed out through his nose, taking a step towards you before pushing you further in and sitting beside you.
"Did you faint? I'm asking you for the last time."
"Oh?" your eyebrows raised at his words. "What will you do if I don't tell you? Kick me out of this restaurant?"
"You-" Seokjin resisted the urge to reach for your throat. "Just tell me if you fainted, (Y/n)."
"What will you do if I tell you that I did?" You picked up a lovely amount of the pasta, opening your mouth to take a big bite. Seokjin's eyes followed your movements, silently cursing himself when you sighed at the taste of the pasta.
"You fainted, didn't you?"
"Just for a moment," you mumbled with your mouth full. Seokjin reached for a tissue when he saw the sauce drip down from the side of your mouth, but you wiped it away before he could.
"I walked in here and wanted to ask for a drink, but I fell before I could reach the counter. That old lady helped me up."
"How do you feel right now?" Seokjin bit his lip guiltily.
"I'm fine," you shrugged, "It's been almost half an hour, and I've already had a few sweet things, so I'm alright now."
"I'm sorry," he mumbled, looking down into his lap. "It didn't even strike me that you left without eating. I know how weak you get."
"I left?" you rolled your eyes. "You kicked me out."
"(Y/n)," Seokjin whined, looking away and brushing his hair out of his face. "I'm sorry, I really am. I almost died three deaths while trying to find you."
"You shouldn't have come looking for me," you took another bite of the pasta. "I'd be fine without you."
"But-"
"Actually," you held a hand up in the air. "You'd be fine without me."
"No." He shook his head firmly. "I'm not fine without you. I'm never fine without you."
The corner of your mouth lifted into a smirk, but you hid it by looking back at your plate. "I'd actually love to fight you on that, but I can see that you're not fine without me."
"Huh?"
You laughed lightly when your hand touched the flaming red skin of his forearm. "Poor thing, that probably burned a lot."
Seokjin rolled his eyes, brushing your hand away and taking your glass to finally quench his thirst.
"I went through shit and you're enjoying here."
You shrugged casually, taking the glass back from him before he could finish your juice. "I went through shit too. It's only fair that you get tortured in the heat that you kicked me out into."
"You really have a way of making me feel like I'm the worst husband in the world," he muttered under his breath.
"Are you?"
He grew silent, looking into your eyes that were glassing over with unshed tears.
"I am," he admitted regretfully in a low whisper. "I treated you like shit. I don't even deserve to be your- umph!"
Seokjin almost choked when you shoved a forkful of pasta into his mouth, eyes widening in surprise before trying to fit it all into his mouth. You took the tissue that was already in his hand, waiting for him to fit the rest of the pasta in before forcefully wiping at his lips, making him wince in pain.
"You deserve this much, but don't speak the rubbish that you were about to say."
Seokjin nodded, biting slowly and touching the side of his mouth that was burning.
"Sorry."
"You better be."
Min Yoongi:
It was almost like Yoongi was in someplace he'd probably go to once he'd die; white curtains, the sound of waves from outside the balcony, white walls with little butterflies, and a plain pair of white and black pajamas. He didn't know if he was dreaming, but there was something peaceful about the atmosphere, almost as if he was finally at home.
With you.
The thought made his eyes flutter open, instinctively turning his head to see if you really were there with him. But they landed on the empty spot beside him on the bed.
You weren't there.
Yoongi had somehow gotten used to the fluffy pillow with a lavender case. It reminded him of you. It smelt just like you. It felt like you.
Yoongi wasn't sure if it was normal to personify a pillow the way that he did. He treated it like it was you, live and with him, comforting him when he needs it the most, accompanying him when he felt lonely.
His fingers reached for the pillow again, the flowery scent drawing a deep sigh from the man.
You weren't there.
You hadn't been for the past six days.
Yoongi had begun to wonder if your absence in his life was a hallucination because oddly enough, he didn't hurt as much as he thought it would hurt. It's like you were right there. Somewhere. He couldn't know for sure, but his heart had begun to settle into a peaceful pace.
His soul yearned for you. It made him feel your presence even though his mind knew that you weren't there. It made him hear the uplift of your voice each time you spoke to him. It made him visualize the glistening twinkle in your eye when you gazed up into his own red ones.
He felt you, but he knew you weren't there.
Yoongi couldn't blame you for not showing up. No, he'd never do that. It was entirely his fault, and it took a mere gulp to swallow down his pride and admit that he was wrong.
After that night, Yoongi stopped contacting you. He wondered if you were doing fine, he wondered if you'd been eating your meals on time and if you'd been drinking enough water to keep yourself hydrated.
He wondered if you missed him.
He wondered if you knew how much he missed you.
Perhaps you did... because a knock was all it took for Yoongi to step out of his dreamland and tremble with fear.
"(Y/n)?"
You stood behind the door, holding the handle and pulling forcefully so that he wouldn't open the door. You just needed him to hear what you had to say. You couldn't face him just yet.
"Yoongi," he heard a broken whisper, muffled and soft from the other side of the door.
His own hand shivered as it held onto the handle, giving up trying to open it once he knew what you were trying to do.
"I just needed to hear your voice once before I left."
"Don't go."
Yoongi could feel his heart racing, the blood rushing to his ears, a lone sorrowful tear sliding down his pale cheek.
"Don't go," he repeated.
"I must," he heard you say. "I can't stay here any longer."
"Let me see you once," he pleaded. "Please, just once."
He wasn't sure if you'd already left, because all he got in response was silence.
His breathing fell into a shallow and rapid pace, panicked tears now falling faster than he could control.
"(Y/n)?"
With a little leap that his heart took, Yoongi pushed the handle down, a little cry leaving him when he couldn't feel the force that you had once kept on the handle from the other side. Fearful that he wouldn't see you when he'd open the door, Yoongi stayed frozen with his hand clenched around the handle of the door.
"Let me see you once," he whispered to himself, resting his forehead on the wood. "Please."
It was useless opening the door a few minutes later. You wouldn't have waited. You had probably left the apartment complex and gotten a cab for yourself.
He waited too long. He let himself drown in his own sorrow for too long.
But you had waited longer.
You always did.
Yoongi lost the ability to breath on his own the moment his eyes landed on you.
You'd stayed.
Yoongi felt as though his eyes met yours for a fleeting second, but the burn in his eyes let him know that he'd been staring at you for much longer than he thought.
"Can I hold you?"
Yoongi knew he was testing the limits. He'd been too greedy, too demanding of things when it came to you. But if this was the last of what he'd get to see of you, he could allow himself to be a little more greedy.
"One last time," he breathed out. "Please."
And maybe it had been a dream all along because the scent of your hair had been the same he'd gotten used to. Your skin was soft, just like the pillow that he'd been accustomed to falling asleep with.
Yoongi wasn't sure if the image of you in his arms was one he'd been creating in his mind or if it was real, but if he got the chance to hold you against his chest for the last time, he wouldn't let go of it.
He couldn't let go of you.
"I love you."
Jung Hoseok:
"Hoseok,"
"Ugh," the distraught man buried, his head further into the mattress, covering both of his ears and shaking his head vigorously.
"Stop. Stop. Please stop."
"Hoseok,"
"Stop!"
Hoseok pulled his knees further up against his chest, his arms trembling and eyes already shedding tears.
"You're not here, but why can I hear you? Please stop. Please!"
"Hoseok-ah!"
Hoseok grew silent, finally snapping back to reality at the sound of Seokjin's voice.
"Get up! (Y/n)'s here."
"What?" Hoseok immediately scrambled out of the bed, messily pulling his pants back into place and smoothening out his hair.
"What do you mean she's here? Where's she?"
Seokjin looked disappointed, looking back at the bed with a slight shake of his head.
"She's still outside. She's refusing to come in."
"What?"
Hoseok didn't give Seokjin any more time to respond before he was making his way through the bedroom door, frantic hands wiping at his tears and using the inside of his shirt to wipe away the saliva that had dried around his lips.
Taking in a deep breath, Hoseok's hand trembled as it reached for the doorknob, twisting it and opening it with a racing heart.
"(Y/n)," Hoseok breathed out at the sight of you in front of him. "I've missed you."
You looked across at the man who stood before you with a light frown. Hoseok gazed at you desperately with puffy eyes and twitching hands, wanting to just reach out to you and hold you.
"Hoseok," you trailed off, looking away and swallowing thickly. "I don't think I can be with you anymore."
"What?" Hoseok felt like he couldn't breathe, his chest tight and jaw falling open. "Why?"
"I can't be with you."
"(Y/n)," he took a desperate step in your direction, his heart physically hurting when you took one step away from him. "Please, you know I was just angry, let's work this out, please."
"I'm sorry, Hoseok," you mumbled under your breath. "I can't do that. I can't hold on anymore, I don't have the strength to fight for us anymore."
"Then let me!" Hoseok boldly took a hold of your hand. "Let me fight for us, please. Just give me one chance to show you how much I love you, one chance to prove to you that I didn't mean anything I said that night. Please!"
"Hoseok," you murmured, looking away and sighing. "I can't just get over what you told me, it has scarred me."
"I'm so sorry," he dreadfully rushed, hoping that you wouldn't just kick him as a reflex when he wrapped his arms around you.
"You know how I get, baby, please," he murmured into your hair.
"I was being an ass, and yes, I deserve to be broken up with, I deserve all of this, but please, please don't. I can't live without you."
You tried your hardest to not react to his words, but when a tear fell onto your shoulder, something tugged at your heart. You didn't want to give in so easily, you couldn't. You weren't so weak.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise," he vowed, pulling away and holding your face tenderly within his palms. "Please give me a chance to show you how much I regret doing what I did that day."
"Hobi," you finally exhaled, looking down at your feet. "Truth be told, I want to be with you too, I love you... but I need some time away, can you give me that?"
"Where do you want to go?" he inquired, sniffling hard and tucking your hair behind your ear. "Hmm? Tell me, I'll take you there."
"Hobi, no..." you shook your head. "I need some time away from you."
"Oh," he blinked, nodding a little after that. "Yeah, no problem, take all the time you need, as long as you come back to me. You'll come back right?"
For the first time that evening, your eyes glossed over with tears.
"I can't let you go otherwise," he decided with a firm nod of his head. "I can't risk losing you. I'll let you pull my hair out and kick me out ten times but I'll still stick to you like a leech."
"Right," you rolled your eyes. "I don't need that."
"But I need you."
"Hobi," you whined, pushing him away from you. "I didn't come here for this. I just need you to know that I'm going away for a while."
"But you're coming back right?"
You clicked your tongue, huffing in exasperation and looking back at the door.
"You're being annoying."
"I know," he easily accepted. "But I can't let you go if you're not coming back. No."
"Okay okay fine," you threw your hands up in defeat. "God, you never let me even scare you the way you've scared me."
"You have no idea how scared I am right now," Hoseok admitted.
"I'm sorry, baby. For everything. I really am, I don't know how to prove it to you. I'll let you go, if that's what you need, but I just need you to come back to me. Please, don't give up on us. Not because of how much of an ass I've been. Please."
"Ugh," you groaned in conflict, covering your eyes with both of your hands.
"Okay, fine. I'll come back. That was the plan anyway, I just came here to tell you about it."
"Promise?" Hoseok held his little finger up in the air. You looked at it for a moment before laughing dryly and interlinking your pinky with his.
"Yeah, I promise."
Park Jimin:
"I knew I'd find you here."
You turned to look back at Jimin who stood by the entrance of the church, a bouquet of white roses in his hand. Jimin stood still for just a moment, letting his eyes run over your form before he began to walk towards you timidly.
"Why are you here, Jimin?"
"I came to look for you," he murmured gently, choosing not to sit and instead knelt before you. You looked into his eyes, blinking away your tears and looking back at the alter in pain.
"I want to be alone."
"You've been alone for too long," Jimin whispered, placing the flowers in your lap and looking down at his fingers in regret. "I'm sorry I've left you alone."
"Where is-"
"She's sleeping at your friend's place. Safe, don't worry."
You nodded, breathing in deeply and looking down at the roses.
"When we were here a few years ago, I promised to stand by your side throughout everything. I'm sorry that I failed to do that."
Your eyes flitted up to the empty space before the altar, a red carpet that was once lined with white roses on the day of your wedding pulling a sigh from you.
"I've failed in many ways, and I want to thank you for never making me feel bad about it, even though I should. I deserve to be yelled at, I deserve to be insulted for the way I've been treating you and our daughter, but the one time that you tried to show me just how wrong I've been, I hurt you instead."
"Jimin..."
"I know," he whispered. "I've thought over everything you've said. Everything. You're right. You're right in every way and I'm sorry for not realizing that."
"It's not about who's right and wrong, Jimin," you shook your head. "I just want you to be there."
Jimin swallowed thickly, nodding and quickly looking down to hide the tear that slipped past his eyelid.
"I know, I'm sorry."
You sighed, looking up and closing your eyes.
"I don't know what else to say, Jimin."
"You don't need to say anything," Jimin wiped his cheek when he saw that you weren't looking. "You don't even need to forgive me. I'll work for it. I'll be there, for both of you. I'll show you."
You finally looked into the eyes of your husband, reaching a hand for him and tenderly touching the back of his hand.
"That's all I need."
"I want to give you more than just what you need, dear," Jimin looked down at the ring on your finger. "I also want to give you everything you want. Everything you want but never say."
"It's alright, Jimin," you shook your head. "We don't live in a fantasy world. Having you is all that I need - all that I want."
"I had also promised to treat you like a queen," Jimin turned to look back at the altar. "Not just any queen. My queen. I promised to make you smile over little things for no reason at all and I've failed at doing that too."
"You haven't been smiling much either."
"We'll talk about me later," Jimin insisted. "I've promised you the happiness that I failed to give you. I'm sorry."
"Jimin," you chuckled dryly. "You're making me feel bad now."
"Why?" He searched your eyes for an answer. "You don't need to feel bad, that's my job for now."
"It isn't anyone's job to feel bad," you reminded him. "Let's work through this and just get back to being happy again, Jimin."
"Okay," he nodded, straightening up and reaching for your other hand. "I'll make you happy, I promise."
You smiled softly at him, nodding a little. "Okay."
You noticed a little sparkly in Jimin's eye that you hadn't seen before, but before you could ask him, Jimin touched the side of your face as softly as he could.
"Will you dance with me?"
"Right now?"
"It's raining outside."
You turned to look outside the door, a tiny smile growing on your face at the memory of having your first dance with Jimin in the rain.
"Come," Jimin stood, holding your hand and guiding you up. You barely had a moment to place the flowers down before you were tugged towards the door, little joyous giggles pouring out of Jimin's chest when he ran out with you right behind him.
"Ah," you gasped at the cold droplets of rain that hit your skin, squinting and looking across at Jimin who was already looking at you with a grin.
"Dance with me?"
You looked at his palm that was extended out to you, slipping your fingers into his hand with a firm nod.
"I'd love to."
Kim Taehyung:
"What a sight to behold."
Taehyung's hand froze mid-air, the sound of your voice instantly bringing tears to his eyes.
"The Kim Taehyung is making coffee for himself."
"(Y/n)," Taehyung whispered in disbelief, dropping the spoon onto the counter and rushing towards you. His hand circled behind your head, tenderly holding you right up against him, his chest trembling as he tried not to ugly cry right into your shoulder.
"I thought you left."
"You left me, Taehyung," you reminded him with a muffled voice, turning your head a little so that you could breathe better. Gently resting your cheek against his collarbone, you repeated your words again.
"You left me."
"I'm sorry," he blubbered, inhaling sharply and wiping away his tears with one hand, never once leaving you. "I'm so sorry, that was so stupid of me, I'm so sorry."
Sighed softly, you nodded, finally letting your walls down and taking a hold of his sweater to pull him even closer.
"What you did really hurt me, but I told you then - and I'm telling you now - we have a lot of time to work this out."
"I just don't ever want you to leave," he admitted in a broken whisper. "The thought that you'll be moving away from me scared me to death."
"My little dummy," you cooed, pulling away and lightly hitting the side of his head. "You're too rich to even think of what I had in mind, silly."
"What?" he sniffled. "What does that mean?"
"Shall we sit and talk first? My feet are killing me."
"Oh- yeah yeah, come." Taehyung gripped your elbow, pulling you towards the couch before walking to the corner, disconnecting the lamp and putting it on the floor so that he could lift the little table and bring it for you to place your feet on.
"Here," he put a cushion beneath your feet, lifting both of them up and adjusting it so that you'd be comfortable. "Better?"
"Mhm," you nodded. "Come sit next to me."
Taehyung plopped down beside you, instantly reaching for your hand and pulling it into his lap, holding it as if you'd disappear any moment.
"To be honest," you began, "The moment I bought the house, you were the first person I wanted to tell. I really expected you to be on top of the world. I thought you'd be happy for me."
"I am..." Taehyung trailed off. "But I thought you were being dismissive of our relationship."
"Exactly. When you reacted badly, I got so upset, I immediately built these walls around me, you know?" You looked up into Taehyung's eyes, hoping that he was following you.
"You were the one person I wanted to share my happiness with but when I didn't see you being happy, that made me really upset. So in the heat of the moment, I let my mouth run too."
"How?" Taehyung wondered.
"I didn't mean it when I said that you were stopping me from living my dreams," you sighed sadly. "I guess I just wanted to hurt you at that moment the way you hurt me. I know you always want the best for me, I really do. I'm sorry I said that."
"Baby," Taehyung shook his head. "I'm not even bothered about that. If I'm being honest, I don't even remember the fight, all I could think of was that you left and I didn't get to even hold you once."
You chuckled light-heartedly. "I'm glad you don't remember it, but this is what caused the fight anyway- or rather the part where you kicked me out of your car."
"Shit," he looked away and cursed under his breath. "It sounds so much worse when I hear you say that."
"It was horrible," you nodded. "I didn't even know where I was at that time, but coming back to the point - you told me to leave only when I said that you were stopping me from living my dreams. So I understand where you're coming from."
"You're not supposed to be this understanding," Taehyung frowned sadly. "You're supposed to be mad at me and yell at me for kicking you out of my car. That was the cheapest thing I could've ever done. Shit- I'm so sorry."
"Oh, stop already," you waved him off. "What's done is done, we can't go back in time and make you not kick me out of the car, can we?"
Taehyung's lips pursed into a tight line.
"What I actually wanted to tell you was that me buying that house has a whole different purpose. Sure, I was angry and shit and I just kept telling you things that weren't true, so excuse me for that. The real reason why I bought that house is because it's an excellent investment."
"I know," Taehyung nodded in understanding. "When I explained this situation to Yoongi hyung, he told me the same thing."
"You spoke to Yoongi?"
"Who do you think told me to make the coffee?"
"Yoongi asked you to make coffee?"
Taehyung rolled his eyes. "He said since I hate it so much, at least it would distract me from the guilt of kicking you out of the car. And something along the lines of, 'you might even begin to like coffee,' and blah blah blah."
"Right," you chuckled. "Yoongi can't understand why you don't like coffee."
"It tastes like ass."
"How do you know what ass tastes like?"
Taehyung smirked, shrugging and choosing not to reply.
"Right- so the investment," you continued. "I have something under my name now, and the apartment is in a residential complex that's literally in the center of the city, which means that the value of the flat will increase in a few years."
"I know," Taehyung repeated. "Yoongi hyung told me everything, so you don't need to explain, okay?"
"Taehyung," you patted his thigh to get him to listen to you. "My point is that I don't need to live there."
His eyebrows raised in wonder. "Really?"
"I'll probably put that flat up for rent soon, that's what I've been meaning to say."
"Oh," he trailed off with a distracted nod, "I didn't even think about that."
"It really hurt my heart when you told me that I wasn't thinking about us, Tae," you tenderly ran your thumb over his knuckles. "I'm sorry I made you feel like I wasn't thinking about us."
"Aye," Taehyung waved his hand in the air like it was no big deal. "I was just scared, that's all. Don't stress about it."
"I should," you pressed. "No one should make their partner feel that way. I'm sorry."
"I'm sorry too, Jagiya," Taehyung lifted your hand so that he could place a tiny kiss on the back of your hand. "I hurt you as well. Probably much more than you think you've hurt me."
"It's okay now," you chuckled lightly. "I'm fine, as long as I'm with you."
"Surprisingly, I'm fine too. I'm so happy you're back home, with me. That's all I've ever wanted, all I really asked for."
"You're being too sweet, no?"
"Only for you, Jagiya."
Jeon Jungkook:
"Jungkook-ah," Namjoon called out for the younger man who stumbled to the side of the stage and fell onto his knees.
"Can someone get me some water?" Namjoon gestured to the staff members who were already crowding around Jungkook.
Jungkook kept his head low, his mic turned off and lying right beside him on the flooring. When Namjoon kindly asked the rest of the female staff to move away, he quietly knelt beside Jungkook and placed a comforting hand over his back.
"You okay?"
Jungkook breathed out heavily with a weak shake of his head.
"I feel dizzy."
"Can you continue the show?" Namjoon gently whispered, running his palm along the length of Jungkook's back. Jungkook took a moment to think, before shaking his head again.
"Not sure."
"No problem," Namjoon instantly nodded, looking up and thanking the staff who returned with a cold bottle of water.
"Have some water and then go rest."
"Hyung," Jungkook looked up weakly. "Did she call?"
Namjoon looked pained, sighing deeply and wiping off the sweat that was dripping from his eyebrow.
"She did."
Jungkook felt his breath hitch, his mind going a bit hazy but fighting hard to hold onto his consciousness.
"What did she say?"
"She's leaving the state for a while, going back to her brother's place."
"Did she tell you when she'd be back?"
Namjoon looked away briefly, setting his own mic down and blowing out a puff of hot air.
"I'm not sure she'll come back, Jungkook-ah."
Jungkook inhaled shakily, falling to the side so that he wasn't on his knees anymore. A few staff members who were standing at a distance instantly rushed forwards to help the boy up.
"I'm not sure he can perform any longer, just let him rest, wouldn't want to hurt him even more," Namjoon briefly explained to his manager who was holding an icepack to the boy's forehead in worry.
"What's happening?"
"He's feeling dizzy, just take him in and let him lie down, I'll explain the situation to everyone."
Jungkook's eyes fluttered closed, the sounds around him tuning out into a ringing buzz, the only thought on his mind was that you weren't coming back.
He drove you away.
At a time when you might've needed him the most, he let you down and pushed you away. Jungkook finally realized that whatever courage you must've mustered up at that moment to finally let down your walls and talk to him about your life had been completely crushed by the weight of his insults.
It had been three weeks since that day. Three weeks since Jungkook spent that entire night out on the streets looking for you. Three weeks since he'd begun to sleep the whole day and spend the rest of the night drinking away his regrets.
Three weeks without you was enough torture for him - the little hope that he had left within him finally evaporating into thin air like it had never even been there in the first place.
With a final heave of regret, Jungkook slumped into the arms of the staff member who was holding onto him, a series of panicked yells filling the confined space backstage.
"Hyung, what happened?" Taehyung and Jimin came rushing towards the commotion, worried eyes following the people who were carrying Jungkook's unconscious form further in.
"Did he pass out?"
"What happened?"
Namjoon remained on the floor, the tips of his fingers pushing into the bridge of his nose, breathing wearily. Maybe this was for the best, for both Jungkook and you. Maybe this distance would somehow heal the two of you.
And if that was the case, Namjoon would have to hold on just a little more so that he could be strong for both of his best friends.
"He's reached his limit."
.
.
.
.
.
Taglist: @underratedbitch-number13, @charnease
Permanent Taglist: @hopestastic @mistyaphelion @0xnna0 @cuteipat @koalasandcuddles @fxndomsqueen @sparkyprotectionsquad
#bts angst#bts angst reactions#bts reactions#bts imagines#bts scenarios#bts angst imagines#bts angst scenarios#kim namjoon angst#namjoon angst#kim seokjin angst#seokjin angst#min yoongi angst#yoongi angst#suga angst imagines#jung hoseok angst#hoseok angst#hobi angst#park jimin angst#jimin angst#kim taehyung angst#taehyung angst#v angst#jeon jungkook angst#jungkook angst#bangtan#bts ot7#bts x reader#bts x y/n#bts x you#bts
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Forever | ksj (teaser)
☆summary: three years ago, your relationship with jin ended in fights and tears. When life puts him back on your path, you catch a glimpse of light in his eyes that you thought had died when you broke up. Will your relationship blossom into a well-deserved forever or will you lose the love of your life again?
☆pairing: Kim Seokjin x female reader
☆rating: 18+
☆genre: ex-fiancés to lovers, idol!au, angst, smut, fluff
☆warnings: alcohol consumption, oc and jin fight a lot and don’t talk enough, oc is a little mean to jin and jin is a patient angel, cursing, inaccurate cooking terms, oc gets wounded on a nail, a bunch of nostalgia and regrets. explicit content: choking kink, grinding, a little bit of tits play, fingering, oral sex (female receiving), a little bit of dirty talking, dom!jin, big dick!jin, protected sex
☆word count: 25.2k words
☆a/n: Here is the teaser for the new fic in the Life Goes On series! Check out the series masterlist to read the stories of the other members! I hope you will enjoy this story even though it’s pretty angsty <3. It is technically supposed to be the last fic in the series but it doesn’t really matter since they don’t overlap all that much. Namjoon makes a quick appearance and most of the other members get mentions so you can catch glimpse of what will happen for their own stories. Enjoy!!!
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
“Do you know why I went to the gazebo?” he asked, with the tiniest voice he could muster up.
“Why?”
“I hoped I was going to find you there, like that summer we met.”
You pushed away from him, so you could look him in the eyes. So you could see the truth in his dark gaze, and in the sad smile that adorned his lips.
“You remember?”
You were startled to see a tear rolling down his cheek. “How could I forget?”
☆ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Coming Friday October 14th, 8 pm EST!
#forever#kim seokjin#kim seokjin fanfiction#kim seokjin smut#kim seokjin fic#kim seokjin angst#kim seokjin fluff#kim seokjin ff#ksj fanfic#ksj fanfiction#ksj ff#ksj angst#ksj fluff#ksj smut#kim seokjin x reader#ksj x reader#life goes on series#jin fanfic#jin fanfiction#jin smut#jin angst#jin fluff#jin ff#jin x reader
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Before I leave you (Pt.67)
(Omegaverse au, Mafia au, Bts x Reader)
Summary: You and Hobi bury a dead body (That's a lie, Yoongi buries it for you).
Tags: blood, gore, body horror, death, dead bodies, everyone is pretty beat-up in this, brief implied self-harm but it's very quickly squashed- seriously it's nowhere near as bad as past scenes but i do have to tag it, Dissociation, tae is in the freeze part of fight or flight. hurt/comfort, mental breakdowns, flashbacks, discussions of past abusive relationships, everything is very fluffy until it's not,
W/c: 12.5k
A/N: Are you guys ready for Hoseok's secret reveal??? I'm really excited!!! But also terrified because this whole series has lead up to this point!!! A good number of people have already guessed his secret so congrats on getting it early <3
Previous part - Masterlist - First part
Jimin sits on the stairs going down to the basement. His arm in a sling and bandaged up to the elbow. It aches with every small movement he makes as he peals a tangerine. He hasn't had any narcotics in a few hours and they're starting to wear off.
Jimin needs all of his brain power for this; For covering up the murder.
The fewer things running through his system the less sluggish and fuzzy his thoughts are. Jimin picks his poisons and fewer things make him less coherent than the panic and pain and near constant avalanche of thoughts. Tae, Tae's hurt, Tae's-
Tae's fine, Tae's upstairs with Y/n. he has to remind himself of these facts every few breaths. Tae's going to be okay because you wouldn't let anything happen to her.
There is evidence of that virtually everywhere; In the lines across your hands that Yoongi had dabbed at with a cool cloth, the swollen side of your jaw that he'd cradled. The blood drenching the opposite side of your face that he'd tenderly washed away. Not to mention the blood on the kitchen table, the floor, the ceiling. The blood splattered across your nest-
You don't fuck with an omega's nest; you don't fuck with their packmates.
Jimin quiets his brain with a steady breath as he looks down at Yoongi, Jin, and the body between the three of them wrapped in plastic.
He manages to peel the tangerine in his hand despite how uncooperative his left hand is. Numb at the fingertips just like it’s been since the surgery.
Namjoon had stroked his fingers and tested their give every chance he got, holding onto them and prodding while they waited in the hospital room and then again when Jimin got discharged. He said that they’d probably get better. Probably.
Tae's going to be fine because Namjoon is there too- had checked out her head with that soft alpha grumble croon of his. The most soothing sound in the world, and yet incapable of soothing this.
But Jimin knows nothing’s for certain, he might never get the feeling in his hand back. (This is Jimin's penance; The reminder of these tangled few weeks and how things went will be ever present. The reminder will be the first press of every touch with his non-dominant hand. He will never regain full feeling to the tips of his fingers. Never).
There are a few of noodle paw prints in the dust here, Jimin's ass is no doubt covered in it too from resting on the rickety stairs that lead into the half-finished basement. Little paw print marks that would make you coo and take pictures if you were down here.
But you’re not, you’re upstairs getting the evidence washed off of you.
No one's in that kind of mood right now anyway. No one’s been in that kind of mood for a few hours (or a few days, if he’s being honest, from Jungkook’s seizure, to getting shot, and then coming home to a dead body in their living room).
It’s been 4 hours since you killed someone in the kitchen. 3 hours since Jimin was discharged prematurely from the hospital and the rest of the pack was summoned home via a disturbingly calm call from Jin.
It’s been a tangle of moments even for the people not on hard drugs. Jimin feels like he's doing pretty good at answering the pack’s questions given the circumstances. You'd never know that, given Yoongi's eye roll and Jin's heavy sigh.
"Minnie- we're not asking you how you would have killed him just how you'd cover it up."
They used an old shower liner to wrap the body before they carried it downstairs. It makes a squeaky noise against Jin's rubber gloves (The pink elbow-high ones that he uses to do the dishes) as he pulls back the plastic sheet to reveal what's left of the assassin's head and face.
“I already told you, I don’t know his face- not even a little.” I’d have a pretty hard time identifying his face with the state she left it in regardless Is what he doesn't say.
Jimin tucks his chin, unsettled to look at the man's half-blown apart face for long. "I think he might be the spider but I don’t know. I never met him, only heard his name in passing.”
A small tattoo on the man's wrist reveals as much. A small spider tattoo that someone going to have to cut out and bury separately. Someone's going to have to get all of his teeth too- no identifying marks. None.
He’s a little too impressed with the state you’d left him in when he thinks about it. But once he’d seen your face and Hobi’s neck, not an inch of Jimin had felt the kill wasn’t justified. The whole pack feels that way, he knows they must even though they don't say it. Everyone's a little bit in shock right now.
Even Namjoon hadn’t even given the body a second glance when the pack had tumbled into the house. The pack alpha had simply alternated his fussing from you to Hobi to tae and then Jin. Torn between who needed him first. It was the first words Jimin had heard you speak. Your wet gasp, blood that wasn't yours flashing on your teeth. "Joonie- Hobi needs you."
Namjoon had calmed only once he realized that most of the blood on the three of you was the man’s. Yoongi had a similar reaction and so had Jimin, clutching at Tae. Angry at his arm for its uncooperativeness. About ready to tug off his sling and his bandages and stitches if it meant holding tae easier. He'd even tried it, only to be on the receiving end of a disapproving pack alpha growel too.
“Jimin you can’t; your stitches.”
“Fuck my stitches hyung.”
Numb fingers meet numb faces.
He's a bit ashamed of it, but when he first looked up from Tae to you- where you sat crumpled in Yoongi's hold. Your mate laying down a volley of sweet nothings to you to get you to stop shaking. There was only one sentence running through his head.
That’s my girl.
He'd reached over and squeezed your hand, blood and all. That blood has dried now. Soaked into the lines of his palm. Coloring his fate and love lines all rusty while he eats the tangerine. He should probably wash his hands. All of them probably need too.
Jungkook had been the only one willing to speak, closing the door softly behind him, locking it and treading softly closer. Careful to sidestep both the pools of blood and the piece of a skull sitting next to the couch. He looked down at the 7 of you with a surprisingly calm expression on his face.
"Can't we have one normal fucking day?"
Jungkook was the one who’d gone to the kitchen and gotten one of the hand towels to clean your face. His lips tightened to a line when he wiped away the blood and started to see the bruising, the cut across your temple dripping fresh. Lower lip wobbling ever so slightly.
“Kookie-”
Jungkook had turned to Jin and Namjoon, “I don’t want to deal with the body hyung." His hands were already under your arms, lifting you up, helpless. "Help me get them upstairs. We need to-” he’d let out a frustrated noise. Instincts coming to the full front- instincts he rarely feels.
Who knew blood would incur Jungkook's grooming instincts?
The last time Jimin saw Jungkook; He was helping Namjoon and Yoongi herd the three of you upstairs for a much-needed shower. Hobi hadn't been able to do it under his own power. Namjoon had to carry him.
Hobi; who's choked on every word he's tried to speak. Whose eyes are still red from all the burst blood vessels. Who easily got the closest to dying out of the four of you.
Everyone shakes when they touch Hobi and everyone touches him softly. Namjoon just about snaps his teeth at anyone who tries to get close. His hands turning red from the cold of an ice pack wrapped gently around the alpha's throat.
Jimin knows Jungkook's a lot more unnerved than he lets on, shuffling from foot to foot as he bound Tae up with a towel, taking her delicately from Jimin's arms. Carrying her in the same way Namjoon carried Hobi.
Yoongi was all soft helping you upstairs. Speaking in that quiet voice that he saves for Sunday mornings and stolen moments of quiet. Every moment, all of this is stolen.
And now- the beta is down here, leaning over the body and looking at it like it will tell him something that you won't. After your initial demand that Namjoon he tend to Hobi; you haven't spoken a word. Neither has Tae. Jin's done all of the talking.
There isn’t much to say.
Jimin feels the numbness in his hands and looks at Jin. He hasn't apologized for the bullet yet. But the more time that passes the less Jimin wants an apology. Mating marks come in many forms. Jimin has a scar on his body from one of his omega's- so really? What does he have to be upset about?
The whole house needs to be deep cleaned, and then deep cleaned again. There's blood everywhere; on the couch, the ceiling, the curtains. It's a lot to clean. It's going to be a lot to hide.
That's the only reason why Jimin's not upstairs helping you and Tae clean up right now; the body is unfortunately the biggest threat to the pack's safety at the moment.
There’s a bloodstain on the stairs too, a droplet next to where Jimin sits. he makes a mental note of it but doesn't move to wipe it up. He puts a tangerine slice on his tongue and chews before he answers Yoongi’s next question.
“I don’t know how to dispose of a body, I never dealt with this part. My only job was to kill, not take care of them after. I know there’s a way that you can do it with soap.”
Jin snorts, “You only know that from breaking bad-“
Jimin’s a little miffed, “We already have a plastic tub upstairs-”
“Lye,” Yoongi corrects, looking down at the body before he stoops to retape the plastic over the man's face. It was a bitch to wrap him up, the body stiff and heavy from rigor Mortis. The blood beneath it bubbles and darkens, coagulating. Yoongi's long hair falls over his face and he tucks it behind his ear.
“We could use the soap, but it might take a few days.” Jin clarifies.
“Do you think we can wait that long?”
“Absolutely not,” Jin’s got a similar ice pack to his wrists, the skin there bruised and red and swelling where he fought to get free from the handcuffs, where he eventually ripped down the banisters and broke through them with brute strength and panic.
You’d found the keys on the man’s body soon after and released him from the handcuffs, they're wrapped up in the plastic along with the frying pan, the gun that killed him, and a few other items from the living room that were just too bloodstained, every big piece of evidence will lie right beside him where he rests.
Jimin eats another slice of the tangerine, and Jin shrivels his nose at it. “Isn’t that a little gross?”
Yoongi mirrors his disgust. “Yeah Minnie, weren’t those covered in blood?”
But Jimin just shrugs, “I washed it and peeled it hyung” And keeps eating. After a few days of hospital food, the tangerines taste divine.
Yoongi stands from where he’s kneeling on his knees with a faint crack. “One part kitty litter, two parts concrete should keep out the smell,” Jin says, eyeing the 6 by-six-foot hole in the basement's foundation, already there from the plumbing that needed replacing.
Most of Yoongi's tools are down here too. His scrap pile of wood and the dozen bags of concrete. His hack saw and his circular saw that none of them are looking at. Yoongi had only just fit in the plumbing a few weeks ago. He'd been about to re-pour the foundation anyway.
“I’d rather not have a body buried in our house.”
Yoongi touches Jin’s wrist, so feather-light, removing the ice pack to check the swelling to see if it’s gone down. Jin's left hand is just as useless as Jimin's, the knuckles bruised and ballooned.
“It’s just for a few weeks, we can deal with this once it’s all calmed down, but we absolutely can’t go try and bury it. Who knows what the neighbors heard?”
They're all silent at that, silent at the idea that these few hours might be the last few that the pack spends free.
But over the next few hours, there are no blue and red flashing lights outside or concerned neighbors that come knocking. Your one saving grace is that this all happened during the middle of the day and all of your nearest neighbors have nine to five's. Is it so simple to hope that everyone was just at work? That no one heard the gunshots over the nearby roar of the passing train?
(Maybe they're just too used to the pack next door; the one that has the noisy ruts and noisy noisy packmates. The one whose alphas have a habit of opening the windows in the back room and let the sound of their roughhousing and video games flood the street. The ones who have extra loud movie nights. They're just a bunch of kids, how harmful could they really be? At least the pack alpha and omega look respectable.)
It's a good thing that no one comes; because Namjoon has more important problems, more important things to handle beyond the body in the basement or the police at the door.
Namjoon’s hands cradle Hobi’s neck. He wheeze as he tries to speak, his mouth falling open. He's mostly clean, but a rusty trickle of water from his hair trails down his shoulders.
Jungkook tugged him into the shower first and gave him a rough clean before handing him back to Namjoon. They sit on a towel together on the edge of the nest. they only moved him in here to give him some privacy- to distract him because Hobi kept reaching for you. you'd kept reaching back, tae was already in the shower under the stream.
"Pup- your hands- you're going to hurt yourself."
The Nestroom is dark and quiet. Every single blind in the house is draw. Only the christmas lights illuminate Hobi's injuries. Namjoon will tend to Tae and then you after he's checked out Hobi's injuries. will send him downstairs with Jin for some cold water to soothe his throat once he's done. once he's been cleaned again probably.
Hobi was covered with the most blood, having been just under the man when Tae had blown his throat apart while you- Namjoon doesn't want to think of it, doesn't want to see it.
(Namjoon thinks of every moment, sees them behind every blink. Blink and he sees you sitting in his lap over breakfast squirming happily. Blink and you're kneeling in a bloody puddle looking up at him.
Blink and you're curled up in the nest wearing the first pajama pants he'd given you. Blink and he's watching Jungkook dab at your bloody cheek, blink and you're turning into his hand to nuzzle as he wakes you for sunday morning breakfast. Blink and there’s sunlight spilling across your face and blood slipping down your chin. Namjoon's smallest and most sensitive pup not so innocent anymore.)
Namjoon touches Hobi's throat with no small amount of reverence. it cools the anger in his throat. Namjoon's anger has no good place to go.
When Hobi closes his eyes, he sees it too; the explosion of the bullet and the splat of blood pouring down his face. The shower earlier felt so similar- he almost couldn't handle it. He had to concentrate on Jungkook's voice narrating everything.
"Here Hobi, I'm gonna use some soap now. I like Tae's body wash. You know she always just picks whatever bottles are pinkest because she wants all her toiletries to match. It smells good, doesn't it? Can you take a deep breath for me? Through your nose?"
Endless meaningless Jibber jabber to distract all of them.
Now he shivers and shakes in Namjoon's hold. One part terror and one part near frostbite. Namjoon turns the heat up but Hobi still shakes as Namjoon checks his throat. "Open for me baby- that's a good boy."
He flashes a light down there, listening with his stethoscope. The cold metal end of it presses against his collarbones and the bruises too. Finger-shaped that lace over his jugular like a collar. Over Hobi's heart. Every thump ba-thump ba-thump music to Namjoon's ears.
Namjoon’s growl is soothing as he scoots closer to gather the injured alpha close to his chest. Shushing Hobi as he tries to speak for the dozenth time in the last hour. “Don’t try it, careful- I don’t think he did any lasting damage but-”
Namjoon breaks and his forehead drops to Hoseok’s shoulder, fingers rub out soothing circles on Hobi's wrist even as he starts to cry. Namjoon already stitched up the deep puncture wound there. He had to hold his wrist still as he dabbed the stingy antiseptic, the impulse to pull it away too great. The wound wasn't from a bullet but from the piece of the door that embedded itself in Hobi’s wrist. Blown apart the way he could have been.
Namjoon was so close to losing everything, to losing them.
The bruises, Hobi’s eyes, and his little raspy breaths. Everything both punishment and payment for every violent thing Namjoon wants to do. He feels powerless to do more than hold the smaller alpha right now. The strength in his arms doing little to protect Hobi from the hurts he's already nursing. Hoseok leans his head on Namjoon's shoulder and Just lets the alpha hold him.
If he’d come home to the four of you dead what would he have done? more accurately- What wouldn’t he have done?
Namjoon imagines it- the same way he's imagined it thousands of times. Tae's blood on her lips as pretty as any lip stain. Jin on the floor, his little big love wrapped up in permanent stillness like a mating shroud. Your body turned small and quiet the way you'd been when he'd met you- only so much worse. Hobi with his heart slow and absent of his near-constant music. Bodies stiff as statues, turned alters meant to worship both grief and love.
He’d probably have demanded Jimin and Yoongi tell him everything they knew. And then he’d have gone hunting.
Namjoon lets out a shaky breath and pulls away from Hoseok only to continue dabbing at his wounds. The violence of his alpha's instincts calmed by the sanctity of this- of making it better. of being gentle even when namjoon wants to be anything but.
Hoseok’s mute. Throat too swollen to make more than a soft hissing sound on command. Vocal cords not damaged just swollen. Leaving his brain to hurdle through the last few hours. Eyes closed but his mind wide open.
He sees it all behind his eyes; your hand descending with the frying pan, the explosion of wood near his head. The splat of hot blood against the wood floor. Gasping and getting blood in his mouth accidentally. Choking in it- drowning a little. Everything. The sting of smoke on his eyes. Your words ring in his ears like the final notes of a symphony.
“You can take me. I’ll go with you. Willingly. That’s what she wants isn’t it?”
Hoseok’s brain teases through what you might have meant with that. The unnamed she that you mention. Who, why, and what aren’t you telling them? Is it the woman that Yoongi talked to you about before?
He's unable to say anything to Namjoon even as the alpha softy cradles his damaged throat. Unable to even whisper it out through the swelling that threatens to cut off Hobi's airway. It feels like he's breathing through a straw. Namjoon says he's not going to choke, that it only feels that way. The panic is hard to let go of.
But who do you have to go back to there? You've never talked about the family like you wanted them, like they were your pack. Who have you run from? What monsters are here to haunt you? Who is after you? Or is it something darker- more sinister?
Maybe Hoseok's heart has never truly healed from Yoongi leaving them. Maybe a wounded heart remembers. Yoongi always had them to go back to that Hoseok had never questioned. But he's never wondered about you or stopped to consider that maybe, Yoongi's not the only one who left something.
The family doesn't exactly seem like something you can walk away from unscathed. Yoongi managed it, but Jimin didn't.
Hoseok should warn Namjoon, should tell someone but- it's impossible. His airway protesting with an agonizing twinge with every attempt he makes at speaking. He wonders if this is what being nonverbal felt like for you.
The pain pulses dully without adrenaline to dilute it as Namjoon so lovingly examines the marks, again and again. But he shouldn't be spending so much time. You and Tae are bruised and battered too- even if Hoseok’s are by far the worst; you need tending to.
Jin’s hands. Your face. Tae’s head. Hoseok’s throat. Each of you has lost the thing most necessary to your survival.
Hoseok thinks of the body, not the one that sits downstairs, but the one that you found months ago in the ocean. Maybe this wasn’t a coincidence. Maybe none of this was. How far back do the coincidences go? Between Jin and Yoongi who wouldn't have a relationship to stand on without Yoongi's family- how many other things in the pack are because of this?
Hoseok struggles to speak, to talk to Namjoon about what you'd almost done, what you'd almost bartered- but nothing but air comes out, and the pack alpha shushes him. His hands grip Namjoon's shoulders hard.
Namjoon wishes he had more than just numbing cream and sutures for Hobi’s hurts. Jimin’s already offered up some of his opioids for Hobi to sleep and as much as Namjoon hates the idea of anyone swapping medication- Hobi might actually need them.
Jimin’s doctor had been a little bit liberal with them, sure that his 6 on the pain scale had to be at least a 9. He could spare one or two. The truth is that nothing hurts more than this- seeing the people that you love in pain. Jimin and Namjoon save their 10s for days like this.
With the blood cooling, Namjoon’s anger has nowhere to go. The body in the basement has already gone cold.
In the quiet of the house they can audibly hear Seokjin and Yoongi start mixing the concrete. The dull scrape of a shovel against a bucket and the sound of a faucet dripping.
Namjoon wipes at Hobi’s throat, and Hoseok tries again- futile in his efforts to speak. Namjoon shushes him.
In the basement it goes; drip, scrape, drip.
~-~
Jungkook holds Tae up underneath the warm spray of water. The glass is foggy in places and clear and others, occasional spots of red water joining the constellation of them. She rests against Jungkook's chest, her body is prone and almost lifeless. Eyes vacant and glassy.
So shaky and tired as her body rockets down from its adrenaline high. A drop so abrupt that she could hardly hold herself up. A drop so terrifying that Jungkook must do it for her.
He doesn't mind, none of him minds as he cradles the back of her head oh so gently. Tae flinches, whether from pain or the sudden movement. Jungkook meets Jimin's eyes through the foggy glass and then yours. Biting his lower lip before Jimin nods and tells him to keep going.
Evidence is evidence. Washing off can’t wait.
Jimin has joined you upstairs with the body already packed away and on its way to being buried under the foundation of the house. Jimin watches on from outside the shower as he instructs Jungkook in a quiet voice on how to clean Tae of evidence properly. He's been quiet since then. Staring at them while Tae stares blankly back.
You watch them from where you sit. Mostly you just watch Tae. When Namjoon's body doesn’t block your view. He stitches the gash on your forehead, hands pulling the sutures closed in a gentle and practiced way. The pass of the needle through your skin a distant sensation.
The wounds on your hands are in that awkward place of not being deep enough for stitches but still a little too deep to not need something. After a brief debate, Namjoon sealed them with a bit of non-surgical glue that stung terribly and then regular gauze over the top.
Your hands are swelling and clotting. Scabbing although trying to touch anything is too painful. Closing your fingers at all hurts. Namjoon holds you so lightly it hardly feels like he's holding you at all.
Namjoon apologizes after every wince.
The second he’s done he tosses his suture kit into the bathroom sink with a clang the second he’s done. Namjoon gets on his knees before you. The plastic that covers the whole bathroom crackling as he does.
Jimin had the great idea to cover the bathroom with sheets of plastic to cut down on the cleanup. Hoseok's bloody footprints join Tae's trailing from the doorway to the shower. Join the trail that you left. Parts of you are still dripping.
"It's going to scar," Namjoon says, a little sadly. Thumb skimming over the mark on your forehead.
You swallow hard. You still taste blood. You want to brush your teeth; you want to shut the lights off and go to sleep. You want Noodle and you want Yoongi you want everything from the past few hours- the past few years to be gone and over with. You want-
You want to snap at him and tell him that it doesn't matter that it will scar. That you're covered with scars already and you don't care but-
Namjoon kisses your forehead. A lingering brush. The one spot that's not bloody.
You look over at Tae and her eyes flicker blankly to you. Jungkook keeps bringing the boar bristle brush up and down her back in soothing little circles.
When you turn back to Namjoon he's pursing his lips and blinking away tears as he looks down at your hands. You resist the urge to say you’re sorry. You’re not sure what for. The terrible feral hunger in you gone as quick as it's come.
Namjoon’s fingers wrap around the hollow of your knees, and you meet his eyes, even though you don’t want to. It feels too much like a confession already.
“I’m going to say this now, before you get any ideas; This is not your fault and I am not mad at you and Tae for doing what you did-”
“Namjoon-”
He continues on, words rushing out. “I’m proud of you pup, so proud. I’m sorry that I wasn’t here. I promise I won’t disappoint you again as pack alpha-” You cover his mouth with your hand, gauze and all.
The bit of gauze over your palm is already turning bloody. It's hard to tell if it's your blood or if it's his. You’re the last one to shower. The last one to get clean. Namjoon shouldn’t be touching you at all.
And yet he does, yet he cradles your face, brushes the tears from your cheeks, gets blood on his hands. Evidence is evidence, but love has a steeper sort of price if you don't express it when you can.
When you take your hand away, Namjoon doesn’t try to speak again. someone says something that you don't hear, that you can't hear.
Namjoon stands and when you look up, Jungkook has the shower door open for you.
Because the bandages and the glue on your hands can’t get wet Namjoon binds your hands with Ziplock bags and duct tape. The plastic rustles, and you follow Hobi's bloody footprints into Jungkook’s arms. Namjoon closes the door behind you.
Every bit of plastic is going to get melted down later, until all the blood and terror evaporates through something as simple and trivial as fire. Fire will cleanse it of all evidence, as sure as the burning water you step under.
You're not quite sure what you're going to do about the bullet holes in the walls or the blown-apart door to the upstairs bedroom, but Yoongi’s always had a handle on the home improvement stuff.
Jungkook helps you disrobe off your bloodied clothing. Lifting your shirt over your head and stooping, telling you to hold onto his shoulders so that he can take off your sweatpants. You're pretty sure they're Yoongi's but there's no time to get sentimental as he puts them inside a garbage bag along with Tae's and Hobi's clothes.
Everything on your person is evidence. When you look back Namjoon's gone, summoned by Jin's distant call from downstairs. It's just Jimin outside of the shower. watching you, but mostly watching Tae.
You’d be more self-conscious of your nude body if your brain wasn’t still racing. It’s hard to do much with the bags on your hands. But Jungkook squirts out a healthy dollop of your favorite shampoo and gets to work once the conditioner is in Tae’s hair. She sits like a discarded ball-jointed doll on the built-in bench. Her long hair hair stuck like a sheet over her eyes.
Nothing is as important as making sure you’re not found out. And the frothy shampoo turns rusty around Jungkook's fingers. You have to have a lot of blood on your face. All the water that rolls off of you goes pink.
Jungkook is gentle even by your hairline scratching against your scalp with his fingers. The skin there is tender. Namjoon taped a bit of gauze over the sutures too. You don't remember when he did that.
You make a noise. “Too rough?” his voice has something unreadable in it, something soft and concerned.
You don't respond because Yoongi makes his reappearance at the doorway. The black shirt he wears is dusty at the front from the concrete. His eyes single focused on you the second he enters the room. You stare at him the way that Tae stares at Jimin. Jungkook just huffs and pulls you a little more snugly against his chest.
Tae stands in the corner of the shower, still staring at Minnie. Minnie who stares back, practically not blinking. Both of their anguish are hidden behind glass. Like fish in tanks that could never get out. Not really.
Part of Tae gets washed away down the drain. Swirling and gurgling down and down with no one to notice.
Tae stares off blankly into space. Sometimes Jimin talks to her and sometimes he hums through the glass, he'd be in there too if his bandages couldn't get wet either. If Namjoon hadn’t yanked him back from the doorway and told him that he couldn't.
Jungkook takes the boar bristle brush to your body too. Everything has to be scrubbed multiple times until your skin feels nearly raw from it. Tae’s fingernails, her arms, your neck, the side of your face, the hollow at the inside of your arms. Your knees. Everywhere.
He apologizes when he goes over bruises, wincing, clutching you a little tighter, a little closer to make up for the pain. But Jungkook is meticulous as he cleans of evidence until you feel groomed clean. Until there’s no more blood swirling down the drain just clear water, and the light outside has turned pearly and blue in the twilight.
Tae's still silent. She's been quiet beyond the occasional heartbreaking whimper since you both killed that man. Eventually, You push at Jungkook's hands with a pointed look in her direction where she's slumped and he goes with a soft nod. Two omega's taking care of their alphas.
Jungkook’s delicate with Tae’s head, gentle in the way he cradles the bruising, half hidden by her hair. Washing out the conditioner with a quiet hum. Namjoon had diagnosed her with a concussion pretty quickly, it's not a crack in her skull plate but she's not going to go putting her hair up in a bun any time soon.
Jungkook alternates from you to Tae. One moment you're standing, the next Jungkook is taking you up gently from the floor and Yoongi is at the glass, hand on the door- looking at you anxiously. Letting out a volley of cursing. You can't remember the last time you heard him use language like that.
"Hyung she's fine- she's just slippery, I've got her."
Their voices are so soft and grave and so quiet. Or is it just that you can’t hear it? Why are their voices so far away and muffled? Sometimes Yoongi is here and sometimes he isn't. Sometimes Jungkook is holding you, talking to Namjoon about something, and other times he and Yoongi are talking. Keeping their voices low. Your ears ring. It's so loud it deafening.
“Do you need me to take over?” Yoongi asks Jungkook. Jungkook has blood on his feet, from you or Tae you’re not sure, it soaks the hair there. Jungkook’s got hairy fucking feet for an omega- you’re not sure why you’re concentrating on it. Why you’re noticing all these things now. Cataloging little things about them like you might never get the chance to notice them again.
Your heart beats quick, fear still consuming you even though the danger has passed. You look down at the tiled floor and the room spins.
You don’t feel a thing when you close your eyes. You don’t feel anything when you think of the man that you just killed. You don’t feel anything but roaring, like the crashing of the ocean or the sound when you lift your ear to a shell. The hearing in your left ear where the gun went off feels…off, muffled. You put your hand up to toy with it and freeze when you realize it isn't right.
"Guys" You paw at your ear. But they don't seem to hear you.
"No, I've got them.”
“We need to clean up the downstairs. Kookie, where do you keep the oxyclean?”
"Guys"
They still don't hear you. Maybe you're not making a sound at all just mouthing the words. Your movement gets Tae's attention and her eyes focus for the first time in hours. Slumped on the bench, her hand grips the tiled edge hard as she tries to stand but can't. Jungkook hands Yoongi something through the steam, the black trash bag full of bloody clothes.
The notice Tae trying to get to you first. she hits the floor with a small thud and tugs her way over to you. You make a noise in your throat- a distressed chirp that makes the alphas flinch. Tae cups your cheek as you dig your finger in, slippery from the plastic- and pull something small and fleshy out of your ear.
It's soft and squishy. A curved piece of pink and white brain matter. A little bloody but bleached from the water.
You try to stand to your feet but teeter, shaking, staring down at the chunk of person that you just got out of you, that was just in you.
For a second, no one says anything, but then-
“That’s so fucking gnarly.” Your head jerks up in Jungkook’s direction.
"I think I'm going to be sick," Tae actually does look a little green, but it's good to hear her voice at the very least. She hauls herself over to the drain and starts to dry heave.
"Oh tae don't-" the sound of vomit hitting the floor joins the sound of the shower. You don't look at her. just at the lump of person in your hand.
"Someone please take it from me," Jimin is already there opening the glass door and holding out a cloth for you to place it in.
Yoongi presses his hands to the glass as he watches you struggle to grab the brush that Jungkook was using on you from the floor after finally getting your feet under you. Jungkook is torn, his hand on Tae's shoulder as she wretches turning from her to you like he doesn't know what to do or who to help first.
You don't care about the state of your hands you just need to get clean. You Ignore the twinge of pain in your hands as you try and get the bottle of body wash open. Ripping off the plastic bags that cover your hands when you can't unclick the cap immediately. frustrated and panicking. You ignore Jimin calling your name. The gauze falls to the floor with a wet thwack and you take the boar bristle brush to your hands. Cuts and all.
Big hands stop you. Hands that dwarf yours. Hands that you'd know blind.
Yoongi's standing under the spray fully clothed, the water pinning down his hair and quickly soaking him. His hands tangling with yours, taking the brush from you. Wordless as he grabs your wrists and jerks you forward hard.
He holds on until you stop shaking. resting against his chest. guiding your face to his scent gland. "Take a deep breath for me now sweetheart- there you go- just like that."
Jungkook doesn't say anything and neither does Jimin, not as Yoongi starts to wash you again. Jungkook just stoops to lift Tae and place her back on the bench. She goes easy, limp, and doll-like. But she's almost done- she's almost clean. Tae pushes at Jungkook’s shoulders.
"I’m fine. I need to wait for the nausea to pass before I try getting out of here.”
With you, it's going to take a little longer.
Jungkook has already shampooed your hair, but he does it again. The telltale signs of rusty red in the peach-scented shampoo. Bubbling orange-pink. Yoongi does it slower, gentler- it feels more normal. Like the slow loving you're used to.
“Do you ever feel like-” your voice is a little crackly from all the screaming you did earlier. You hate how the terror makes you not remember all the details. Did you make any sound while you killed him? Did you say anything through the rage?
The others are looking at you but you have eyes for just Jimin. his hand tightens to fists, knuckles pressed against the glass. eyes darkening ever so slightly. “Do you ever not feel guilty? About killing people Minnie?”
You are nude, as bare as you’ve ever been before him, it's hard to be self-conscious about it. Maybe this would be a little sexier- showering with Tae and Jungkook and Yoongi with an audience if you weren't literally trying to cover up a very violent murder.
You remember the words Jimin had said to you weeks ago now. “Would you kill for me?” “I’d do worse” you wonder if this qualifies as worse. You can’t imagine what would be much worse than this.
Jungkook's hands are rough as they massage a bit of soap down your back but instead of being comforting, it feels like you’re going to vibrate out of your skin.
Jimin hums. Eyeing Tae still sprawled on the built-in bench. Jimin gathers his thoughts before he speaks. “In my contract, at the beginning-” He starts but cuts off as you start to slip. Jungkook's hands find you, helping Yoongi hold you up more properly. Your mate doesn't let Jungkook take you entirely just moves a bit to the side to give him space. Any other day you'd love to be in the middle of a yoonkook sandwich but-
“Your contract?” he nods, blond hair bobbing. Yoongi meticulously removes the dried blood from under your fingernails, careful to hold your glue sutures out of the direct spray.
“I specified that I’d only ever kill bad people. of course I got a little lazier after I got used to it." He shoots an anxious glance in Tae's direction, but she's still just sitting. "But at the beginning, I’d go back and look through their files to try to find out what they’d done to warrant a hit getting taken out on them. I couldn’t always find a reason but most of the time I did."
You can see it in his face, that Jimin doesn't want to say that they deserved it. Because if they deserved a violent ending then you could say the same about the 8 of you. Jungkook's hands get a little close to the nape of your neck and you turn to him and snap.
"Don't scruff me."
"Sorry." You need it. Is what he doesn't say.
“Most of the time it was worth it?” You cling to his words. With Geumjae you’d never had to guess if he deserved it or not but this-
Jimin’s eyebrows are brought into a hard line, “Karma is a fickle thing. Sometimes it never comes but-” his eyes are downcast, "Sometimes it's a good thing, being the karma."
You sit quietly, digesting his words. Your lower lip trembles, and you don’t know if you feel terrible or better when the tears just won’t come. Yoongi delicately cradles your body, wrapping his arms around your waist from behind and pulling you back against his chest.
“Yoongi.”
“Let me hold you for a minute.” You do, body sagging under the weight of your exhaustion.
Tae teeters in Jungkook’s hold, but she pushes against his hands weakly when he tries to make her stand again. Her voice sounds warbly and fragile when she shakes her head. “I’m still dizzy.”
He tries to guide her gently back to the bench, but she doesn't make it that far. Pushing away his hands when she descends to the marble floor. Closer to the wall, Closer to Minnie who mirrors her, falling to the floor too. Getting as closer to her as he can without being in the shower.
Jimin lets out a sad and bitter-sounding laugh and Tae smiles in reply while Jungkook and Yoongi share an anxious glance over your head.
He's still grinning, words twisting, eyes shining with sorrow and fondness. “You couldn’t wait 24 hours until you had to make it even, didn’t you?”
Tae closes her eyes as her smile twists and she starts to cry “Where you go, I go. We’re the same now Minnie.” Jimin doesn't mean to ask what she means. He knows.
If you're a killer I'm a killer. If you're damned, I'm damned. Even though neither of them believes in God or heaven or damnation. Not really. Not anymore. It's very half-hearted.
(I don't know if it's worth wondering if the people you love are bad people, I think when worse comes to worse, you just put the heaviness down and keep on loving them anyway).
Jimin’s eyes are soft on her, the way that they only ever are with Tae. He places his hand on the glass fogging around his fingertips. She doesn’t match his hands, just leans her cheek against it. Love is only a thin layer of glass away.
You know it hurts her a little bit, must make the dysphoria a little harder to breathe through, to let Jimin and Jungkook see her like this; just the long hair and nothing delicate to cloth her soul in. A soul that now you’ve irreparably tarnished.
A soul that is damaged beyond repair now thanks to you.
It is your fault. All of this is because of you. all of this pain and anguish and damage is because of the choices you've made. the stupid idiotic childish choices. If you'd never needed it- if you'd just been strong enough- Tae could have been whole. Tae could have been unharmed. Hobi and Jin too- if you’d just-
Back at the hospital, Tae had so many questions about Jimin’s job, so many questions about when and where, and why. But she finds her head empty of them in the aftermath. She has no desire to learn anything else about Jimin’s job. Not now that she knows what killing feels like.
Tae is never going to be able to look at red nail polish the same way again.
Jungkook reaches over and turns off the water.
~-~
Eventually, you finish washing. Wrapped up in fluffy white towels that will have to be burned too. The house smells like bleach and gunpowder. It covers everything.
Even the noodle is looking a little more grubby than usual when he zips by, meowing for someone to give him attention. You hear the saw going and you know that Yoongi is cutting the bullet holes out of the walls while the others clean up the blood.
Your skin feels pink and sensitive were the towel brushes as you go looking for pajamas, you'll get some for the others too. Later, Jin will fuss and ask to put some cream on you. Will massage it in something of an apology and pretend that Yoongi isn't going over the whole house with a blacklight to spot any errant blood splatters.
Later Yoongi will take a wood scraper to the floorboards where the man died, will rip them up, and burn them in the house's ancient fireplace just to be sure that no one finds any evidence.
You'll all pretend that Tae doesn't shake through a panic attack when you have an informal dinner in the nest. jin's rule of "no food in the nest" broken for this. You'll all pretend that Hoseok won't choke choking on all but the smallest sips of water. You'll all pretend. You're good pretenders, good liars too.
Later, Jin will put cream on your skin and dot it all with kisses, the swelling in his hands won't take too long to go down. You'll get the love and You won’t deserve a single second of it.
You don't know how you fooled yourself into thinking you ever deserved it. The last 8 months have been stolen. Not earned.
The one-year anniversary of Geumjae's death comes and passes as you go to the top of the stairs in your towel, Ears straining to hear what's going on downstairs.
There is a lot of talking going on downstairs, between Yoongi, Namjoon, and Jin. About what to do, and how to handle this. Hushed voices kept mostly out of earshot. And other more dangerous questions get asked, with equally as dangerous answers.
One of Jimin's guns sits on the kitchen counter through all of it. No one moves to put it away. They're not sure when they're next going to need it and they'd rather not get caught off guard again.
“I could talk to some people- call them. Some people owe me favors, There has to be some section of the family that doesn’t want her too-“
"Absolutely Not, I am not having you get into some weird ass mafia debt"
"Yeah, jailcell orange is so not your color hyung"
“We stay quiet. For the next 48 hours- it’s likely no one will know what happened. They’re too hurt- we need some time to regroup and think.”
Hobi’s voice is absent from the fray. You hear something quite like he's trying to speak, and someone shushing him softly. Namjoon says that his swelling won’t go down enough to talk until tomorrow. You hear the sound of someone opening the refrigerator to get ice.
The door to the bedroom has been blown apart, and a flurry of bullet holes chewed through the top corner. It sits off its hinges and in two pieces.
You remember watching Yoongi paint the door, sitting at the bottom of the stairs while he worked at the top of it and painted it to match the wallpaper in the staircase, a dark cobalt blue. You remember all of it, every little thing you watched him do to make this house into something worthwhile. To make it into a home and now it's riddled with bullet holes and stained with blood.
It's funny, you hardly remember every little thing he did for you, to make you worthwhile.
You have always been a reminder that you don't make houses out of abandoned buildings, and mates out of monsters that bite.
The water has turned the cuts on your hands white and gummy when you look down at them in the closet room. They’re already oozing, not bleeding, it will be at least a day or two until you can touch anything without discomfort. Namjoon will scold you ever so gently later and re-do your bandages.
The pink curtains are drawn already to keep out any wandering eyes from the outside. This is a dressing room after all. The whole room feels like a blush-toned jewel box and you, the one piece of cheap costume jewelry at the center.
You get up and shut the door before you sit on a small poof- something silky and tufted that Jimin had gotten Tae right after she'd come out.
You sit in your towel and look down at your wounds. Thinking about Tae's concussion. Jin's wrists. Hobi's throat. Both of their blank looks and the violence of death and trying to live. You think it all through, every possible ending to this before you pick up your phone and dial Her number.
Moonbyul picks up on the first ring. It’s like she’s been waiting for your call.
“Did you like your courting present pup?”
Your throat is dry and you don’t know exactly what to say, even less how to say it. She hums at your silence, an alpha's imitation of a purr. Waiting until your quietness builds to a frantic pulse.
In the pack, you've always been the one with the best survival instincts. Geumjae made you this way. Although the pack has spent the last few months trying to heal you; deep down you know you've never been anything more than a scared animal. Fight or Flight. Freeze or fawn.
Bullet to bullet. Tooth to tooth. Heartbeat to heartbeat. This time is different. This time you have something worth protecting.
You stand, no longer able to sit. There is a noise at the door, and you wait with bated breath for someone to come in. They don't come. But you stand and move farther inside. Hoping that the distance will disguise the sound of your whispered conversation.
She continues when it becomes clear you're struggling to speak. “I’ve got another one on the way. Hyejin’s here, wanna say hello? You’re on speaker.”
“Pup,” she giggles, and you feel like you might vomit. It’s a struggle really, not to end the call right there, not to let the fear overtake you. “We haven’t heard back from Spider yet, and I have a feeling someone’s been a little naughty.”
You lift the curtain to look outside, the train chugs past and the cars flit by like the fast small birds searching for seed in the snow. The whole world is grey and flat. The sky is orange from the lights of the city reflecting the clouds. The trees bare of all but a few crumbly leaves. It’s strange how all at once, the train is all you can look at. All you can think about.
You think about hoseok, the night at the train tracks where he stopped you from leaving. When he asked you to stay.
“Tell me what I need to do. Tell me what I need to do to get you to stop this, please.” Your voice sounds off, even for you. Too flat, strange even to your ears.
“I’m afraid we’re too far along for that.”
"Please, please Moonbyul-" You turn, pacing back towards the door. Past Tae’s clothes, past yours, past Jungkook’s, past the alcove where Hobi hangs his sweatshirts for you. You pause there. Looking at them.
“You said- you said when it was over you’d give me anything I wanted. Well I want them alive. Even if-"
Your voice is so shaky, you're careful to make sure you're not overheard. The pack is in the other room, just downstairs. You can hear the distant hum of their sweet voices; the people you love always sound like a melody. Your absence hasn’t been noticed yet.
"Even if I’m not here.”
For once they’re silent on the other end of the line. It’s a full silence, filled with one part lust and one part hunger. Both of them are like Noodle playing with a mouse. Waiting for the right time to drive their teeth in and end this game.
But even mice have teeth. Your hand is holding your phone so hard that the plastic makes your bones ache and your cuts bleed fresh.
“If you don’t let them live, I'll never stop fighting. But if you want me to be willing- If you want me to be your pup the way I think you do."
You can’t even close your hand into a fist with how wrecked your hands are. They hurt with every clumsy movement. you hold the phone. Your every heartbeat lurching with the horror of what you're doing.
I can’t lose them; I can’t be the reason why they die. They'll keep sending people until we're all dead unless I do something.
“All of them, all of them need to be safe, Jimin- you need to let him go of his contract and let him go back to living a normal life and you need to not punish Jin for working for the FBI.” Your words rush over themselves. "Leave my pack alone and I’ll be obedient. I'll be yours. I’ll never try and go back to them again. I won’t ever try and leave. I promise.”
Moonbyul and Hyejin are silent on the other end of the phone. You wait for a few moments. They must be looking at each other, deliberating.
Everything in this room aches. The closet bedroom that Yoongi made he made for you. The wainscotting just so. Everything in this house was crafted with an equal amount of love.
It was never meant to be yours forever, you’ve been keenly aware of this fact since the moment you met Yoongi. Since the moment you met his eyes across the dining room table and the moment his teeth met your skin. Borrowed things don't belong, they never do. Good things do not last. You only get them for as long as you get them and not a moment longer.
You're looking at Hobi's sweatshirts, in the alcove where he stacks them for you to take when Moonbyul and Hyejin respond.
“We'll agree to those terms, but remember their safety depends on your performance."
"You have 24 hours to get to us pup. Make them count.”
The dial tone drones like a funeral drum.
~-~
(Hoseok, a few years prior)
The backroom at the record shop is cramped with all sorts of things from a bygone era;
A mini fridge with a decrepit desktop computer and logbook balanced atop it. Pictures and bulletins glued to the wall from the 1960's. A greasy coffee machine piled high with bags of expired tea. A cramped spot for employees to hang their coats and a yellowing old table with a pair of chairs; both occupied by people also out of place. a beta that has a thing for 1980's rap and an alpha with a broken heart who admittedly loves 2010's pop.
A poster of some glittery showgirl omega from the 20s bats her eyelashes down at Hoseok as he has a mental breakdown. Offering neither comfort nor absolution nor love.
Maybe if he'd been born an omega like that, it would have been easier. Maybe they'd have wanted him then.
Yoongi's hands rub down Hoseok's shoulder, his back, places only lovers have touched. Up and down. An endless circle. An ouroboros of affection nibbling Hoseok's fickle heart. Hoseok aches harder with every passing moment.
Yoongi looks at the clock as Hoseok continues to sob. The shop should be open right now but Yoongi won't let it. It can go out of business for all he cares. As long as no one makes Hoseok get up from this chair before he's ready.
Beta instincts are fickle things, but Yoongi has always had a third sense. Something in him always knows if people are trustworthy and if they need him. Something in their scents or faces or eyes- like small planets reflecting the cosmos back to them. Do planets bear life only when someone is willing to look for them? Do people only deserve help when they're willing to ask for it? or is it like this?
Eventually, Hoseok gets his breath back in his chest and his sobs quiet down. His eyes open bloodshot. All sadness has an expiration date (thankfully). Yoongi's hand slides down his arm and gives his hand a firm squeeze (and stays there).
It's the first time someone's touched Hoseok without wanting something in God knows how long but he's too sad to properly appreciate it or savor it. (Yoongi doesn't want anything from him that Hoseok wouldn't willingly give. Doesn't want anything but his smile. fuck- he's just a co-worker, isn't he?). Who knows when the next touch like this might come? (Yoongi is going to hold his hand tomorrow because Yoongi likes holding people's hands, Jin will give him the tacit permission to do that at least. But all of the pack are keenly aware that Hoseok needs time to heal, no matter how obvious Yoongi's crush and Hoseok's needs).
(Hoseok is definitely not just Yoongi's coe-worker at this point, but saviors come from all sorts of unlikely places)
Eventually Hoseok's sobs quiet and Yoongi sighs, pulling back. He takes one look at hoseok's red nose and pale cheeks and puffs up. "I'm making your hot chocolate and you're going to tell me what's happened."
He gets up like he needs something to do. Like he's tired of taking care of Hoseok. He doesn't take it personally, he's tired of it too.
“My mates they- they kicked me out of our den,” Hoseok confesses. Yoongi's got two mugs in his hands, they thud against the counter when he reaches into one of the cabinets.
It’s warm in here but Hoseok is still thankful for the sweatshirt the beta gave him. Not only for its warmth but for the layer of scent it provides; It’s soaked with the smell of chocolate. So comforting and heavenly that it makes Hoseok a little dizzy when he tucks his nose into it and takes a hefty sniff when Yoongi's got his back turned.
Hoseok was never given the other pack's items, never allowed or encouraged to indulge in their scents. They never asked for his either.
Yoongi hangs both their jackets above the radiator in the back so that they’ll dry faster. He bears an impressive bite mark on his arm, visible because of his short-sleeved shirt. It's bruised just ever so slightly- an alpha bite but not a mating bite because betas don't mate. A mark like that on him is as good a claim as any. Even with the other scents that cling to the sweatshirt.
Hoseok hasn’t known him long, but they’re friends even if they’ve never met up outside of work. You can't not be friends with someone you spend upwards of 30 hours a week with.
Yoongi just hums. "Have you been with them long?"
Hoseok appreciates that Yoongi doesn't use the past tense, his heart too tender around the idea of endings. Some part of him is unconvinced that it really is over. A stubborn heart for a stubborn alpha.
His hair is starting to dry when he nods. "It's been a few years." Hoseok bites his lip, "I could lie and say I didn't see signs but-" his hands end up in his hair, elbows leaning against the creaking yellow table. Tugging a little. "I'm so fucking stupid."
"I don't think you're stupid," Yoongi says, hand on the back of his head. warm rough fingers. Touching him ever so briefly as he passes to put the milk back in the mini-fridge. "It's not stupid to want to find more love where you got it."
But in truth, There's not much more than Yoongi can say. Not much more that he knows to say. He'd never met Hoseok's pack. Whereas Namjoon and Jimin and the pups have a general tendency to linger around Yoongi person at all hours and locations. Stopping by to drop off coffee or just to make funny faces at him through the window when they're on their way to work. Yoongi has never met his co-worker's pack and has never seen much evidence at all on him beyond some vague hints of scents.
That alone is enough of a hint; usually, when people have packmates they're soaked in their scents. Visceral claims to keep any wandering eyes wandering still. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't wondered why Hoseok didn't wear his packmate's scents.
It’s not like the alpha smells bad at all- a little strong sure, but less genetically dominant alphas tend to smell a little sweeter like omegas.
At least that’s what Namjoon says when he feels like info dumping. Late at night when the pack asleep around them and only Yoongi's stayed up to listen. Because Yoongi likes the sound of Namjoon's voice when he gets into the details. Stroking across Namjoon’s bare chest just to feel the alpha's words rumble against his fingertips. His heartbeat against his ear the backtrack for all of it.
Whoever Yoongi’s pack is; they surely love him a lot. That much has been evident since the second that Hoseok met him. Evident in the packed bento boxes and the bunny-eyed omega that walks with him to work sometimes. Or in the tall omega and alpha pair that Hoseok has seen perusing the shelves when he comes in to relieve Yoongi of his shift.
Hoseok has worked here for 6 months. It’s impossible not to collect these details. The hickeys on his throat that he wears after weekends, how ruffled but generally loved Yoongi looks when he comes back from rut and heat leave.
“Is there a reason why they left?” Yoongi tries to be as undiscerning as possible. Voice gentle and measured. Stirring the hot cocoa and putting it in front of Hoseok.
Hoseok takes a sip and it feels like he's drinking a cup of the beta in front of him. Yoongi melts a little into the chair at the happy noise Hoseok makes.
It's good. Really good actually, Yoongi uses twice as much Swiss mix as the package instructs and a tablespoon of honey to boot. More chocolate can never be a bad thing.
Before Hoseok has a chance to respond, The phone next to the cabinet rings. And Yoongi takes it off the stand and hangs it up again in quick secession so that it doesn’t ring anymore. It has to be important but he ignores it for Hoseok's sake. Yoongi does a lot of ordering for the shop, the rare records that their boss is always trying to source and sell. It's a lot of chasing down leads and curators.
(This is not true. This is a lie that Yoongi and his boss have fed him. This phone is set up for the family's use. Hoseok doesn’t know that most of the calls Yoongi answers are more delicate than just simple stock orders.)
“I just found out that my brother has stolen from me, what should his punishment be beta?”
“How much did he steal?”
“300k”
Yoongi swallows, fighting his narrow margin of benevolence. The drops of mercy that he's allowed to show without suspicion. He tells himself that the other beta would order a far worse. People only call him when they want lighter punishment.
“A finger for every 100 then.”
The people who call ask him all manner of things. Things like “I think my child might be planning on going to the police, what should I do before anyone finds out about it?” He is both a secret keeper and a jury.
“Send them away. Out of sight and out of mind of anything that they might be able to share. I hear the military academies are lovely this year. So much snow. Yes, they take omega recruits.”
“My firstborn child presented as an omega instead of an alpha. They're my firstborn and heir, how should I proceed?”
“I can ask around for an advantageous match but I’m sorry, there is no fixing presentation.”
Hoseok hasn’t seen a phone like that in years. Didn’t even know they made old-fashioned ones like that anymore. Ones with a dial, the blue plastic worn from the number of times Yoongi's had to pick it up. It doesn't stay silent for long, ringing soon after yoongi's hung it up.
“I'm the only- they’re an all-omega group.” As if by the mention of his sub gender Hoseok’s angry burning sugar scent fills the room. In reply, Yoongi’s sweetness rises. Hoseok takes another sip and pretends it's just the hot chocolate warming his cheeks. “I guess they wanted to keep it that way.”
"I've got two omegas and they keep me on my toes, I can't imagine four." That gets a laugh out of Hoseok.
"You've got a bunch of alphas in yours though, right?" A bunch already, I wouldn't be needed. Hoseok has seen them, the tall one with dimples that looks like something out of a soap opera. The scary-looking one with the chubby cheeks who's always holding hands with the pretty academic one who likes the jazz in the corner.
Yoongi nods, "That must be nice," Hoseok's eyelashes are all clumped together from the tears. "Having so many people to take care of you."
Yoongi hums, knuckles brushing Hoseok’s hand on the table. It’s just one tender touch but Hoseok starts to break. To crumple.
Yoongi senses Hoseok breaking, pulling him in close before he has a chance to really fracture (he comes just in time, Yoongi loves Hoseok just in time). Yoongi’s scent alone is enough to soothe him- beyond the way he guides the alpha to rest against his throat. Hoseok fights it only a little, what's a little scenting among friends?
They're not just friends, it's not just scenting.
Hoseok wants to bury his nose in the beta’s throat, but that wouldn’t be appropriate, not with the scent of so many others clinging to him. He still sags into the hug. Turns his face away to avoid the temptation.
“They didn’t even tell me- and now the lease on the apartment is up and I can’t afford it on my own and-“ I’m so scared and I just wish there was someone to take care of me. I wish I was a pup again.
They sit like that at the table and Yoongi just lets him cry, He pulls back after his sobbing has cooled. They hug until they both smell like gooey chocolate chip cookies with too much brown sugar.
Hoseok sniffles, “We have to open up the shop,” Yoongi's arms tighten around Hoseok's shoulders in reply.
“It can wait a few more seconds.” Hoseok wants to say that the owner wouldn’t like that but he doesn’t.
Yoongi sips and hesitates. “Do you have a place to stay tonight?” Hoseok pauses for a second, flushing before he shakes his head. “Okay, it's okay. You can say with me.”
“Are- are you sure they won't mind?” But Yoongi is already typing away on his phone, shooting a quick text to the pack group chat (a chat that Hoseok will be added to in exactly 23 days, but who's counting?)
“Not at all. It’s a bit cramped with all of us but we have a spare bed in the closet room that Tae likes to read on sometimes- Jungkook's boss slept there last night after they came back from drinking and Namjoon was so mad- he won't be mad about you though- it's just that Jungkook- he just really shouldn't be drinking."
"Is he underaged?"
"No, he's just got health issues."
"Oh." Yet another person who gets the love he needs, the care he needs. Hoseok tries and fails miserably not to be jealous over Yoongi's omega whom he's never met.
He won't be jealous for long. Later Jungkook is going to challenge him to an arm wrestle just to prove he doesn't need babying. Beating alphas in feats of strength is his favorite thing. He'll feel Hoseok’s hand in his and get completely distracted. "Wow, you've got like- really pretty hands!" and drag them close to his to compare sizes. He'll be smitten nearly instantly with Jungkook- for what it's worth. The jealousy only lasts for a few hours.
Within a few seconds his phone is ringing off the hook, he shows Hoseok the chorus of, “Yes it’s okay!” and “Poor thing, tell him he can stay as long as he wants.” "Of course hyung!" "Does Hoseok like kimchi-jjigae or should we just order pizza?" “Oh! Can we get some with pineapple?” “Gross Jk.” "Yeah we all know Minnie doesn't like the aftertaste of burnt fruit."
And Hoseok can't help but feel like he doesn’t deserve this kindness and such an effortless acceptance. There is a knock at the front door before he can say anything. A few short taps against the glass. Yoongi tells Hoseok to stay put while he goes to deal with a pushy customer who wants in. Leaving him alone in the backroom with his cooling hot coco and the poster still staring down at him.
(They say two can keep a secret if one of them is dead, but that's not the only way a secret stays buried; the best secrets are the ones you’re not even aware of.
Out of all the people in your pack. Hoseok is the only one in possession of a secret like this. The best kinds of secrets are the ones you don't even know are secrets see- he doesn't even know that this memory is enough to save you. Hoseok is entirely unaware that in his mind lies this memory.
Hoseok was the first person to get on the no-kill list, and it wasn’t because of Yoongi.
All packmates of a Don get put on the list;
no matter if they're active or past.)
Sitting at that yellowing wood table; Hoseok feels more settled now that he knows he has a place to sleep tonight that isn’t this backroom. Pulling the sleeve of Yoongi’s sweatshirt over his palms and sniffing at the collar where it was pushed up against Yoongi’s scent gland.
If he thinks hard, he can pick out a few scents here and there soaking the fabric. (Milky Omega Jin, Honey Sweet Puppy Jungkookie, Cinnamon sweet Alpha Tae and vanil-lalalala Jimin, Coffee Alpha Namjoon and Chocolate Yoongi).
It's so different from his ex-pack's scents. Their sugary sweet omega peppermint and sharp lemony evergreen, winter berry and pine, the cold smart of snow against his nose. His burning caramel scent- so off-putting. The one scent not Christmas-themed. The one that didn’t fit.
By comparison- Yoongi's pack smells like a bakery in summer. Every scent that could be added to a cake maybe (one day, in the kitchen, he’ll eat your tiramisu and realize yes- that’s exactly what it’s missing. Your cakey scent makes them all complete, the warmth of baking things).
He has somewhere to go now. Somewhere to be. Someone to trust. He trusts Yoongi- even if they’ve only known each other for a handful of short months.
And Yoongi’s pack can’t be worse than his last one.
As if in reply to Yoongi’s phone (buzzing with more texts that he doesn't check because Hoseok is nothing if not respectful of people's digital privacy. If he checked he would see "Is that the hot coworker you're always talking about? The one who always looks a little sad?")
Hoseok’s phone buzzes with the notification he's been waiting for.
Pack Omega 🌙 calling.
Pick up? Decline?
Hoseok hasn't yet gotten around to changing her contact information. He scrambles at it, spilling the hot cocoa across the table as he rushes to pick it up. Scrambling to get to it before it goes to voice mail. Blood pounding in his ears.
Hoseok’s voice is broken as he says his pack omega’s name, his old pack omega’s name.
“Byulyi- Moonbyul please-”
Moonbyul is cold on the other side of the phone. Maybe she’d have liked him more, and wouldn’t have given up on him if he didn't beg. But Hoseok has never been above begging. Not for love. Not for the thing he wants and needs the most. Hoseok needs love more than air and as Yoongi said- it's easiest to go looking for love where you once got it.
Even when you know it could hurt you.
Her voice is flat and unaffected. “I just wanted to make sure you found a place to stay tonight. Are you still going to be around to give the landlord the keys?”
Hoseok finds himself nodding even though he knows she can’t see him. “Yes- I can do that, I can do anything you want. Can we talk?”
“No.”
“Moonbyul please-”
“Goodbye Hoseok.” She says, hanging up after a second. Hoseok looks at the phone. Pushing the button to redial. It doesn't go. She’s already blocked him.
It will be a long time until Hoseok hears from his last pack again, a long long time until he says their names again. He will remember the way he’d begged, the way her name had sounded smack dab in the middle of it. And hate hate Hate how it makes him feel. He won't ever say their names, regret and self-disgust getting in the way.
It's a little funny, thinking of how different things might have gotten if he'd just told yoongi their names. If he hadn't let his alpha pride get in the way. A few days from now they'll talk about it together. "I don't like the way saying their names makes me feel- it feels- I hate how much I want to say it- to see them again- saying their names just reminds me of the power they had over me."
Never again, will Jung Hoseok beg for someone to give him the bare minimum. This is his lowest point. The moment where it shifts- for good.
His head is in his hands when Yoongi comes back into the room. Still sniffling, crying yet again. Yoongi sets a palm in his hair, ruffling it. Eyeing the spilled hot cocoa with a raised eyebrow.
“If you wanted coffee you could have just said so-“ he makes an attempt at levity and is rewarded with Hoseok’s small snort. Wiping his wet cheeks. Neither of them is aware of the secret. Neither of them is aware and so much worse off for it."
Hoseok grins, “Are you buying hyung?”
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Notes:
in the story there has always been this question- mainly raised by jimin during his secret chapters- if the m/c is actually in love with them or if she's just manipulating them- at the beginning of this chapter- we actually see jimin finally dispel the last bit of him that thinks even a little bit that this is the case. once he sees how much she put her body on the line- that question isn't even in the back of his mind- even a little. i ended up re-editing this part alot because of it.
every time i write something from jimin's pov i'm always like "why is everything so meandering? why are things disjointed?" and then i remember that's literally jimin's character- that he is in a lot of ways an unreliable narrator.
(TW) i have this idea in my head that namjoon DOES NOT become a good person in the event that all of them die like- a whole separate idea of him becoming a doctor for the family through yoongi's connections with the soul purpose of one day killing moonbyul and her entire pack…including their pups on accident which ends up destroying the last bit of namjoon's innocence as a person…and he ends up becoming one of the families assassins alongside jimin as a result, in this event jungkook does not stay with them and instead moves on and yoongi stays and tries to get them to stop only to ask them to kill him as their last kill because he's unable to cope with the loss of jin, hobi, the m/c and tae. BUT ANYWAY I DIGRESS THAT IS NOT THIS STORY.
i think in this story there is this really interesting dynamic of femininity and death and morality- that being said red nail polish is definitely a metaphor for whose comfortable killing and who isn't. i like the contrast between tae who will never wear red nails again- vs the moon pack who all are not allowed out of the nest if their nailpolish isn't perfect like- thats another layer of the fucked up shit.
are you suprised that the m/c is going to leave? Did you see it coming from a mile away? i mean...it is in the title of the series 😈
….the parallel between hobi losing his voice and the m/c not having a voice at the beginning of the series- you can project whatever meaning you want onto that <3
also on that subject the line "Jin’s hands. Your face. Tae’s head. Hoseok’s throat. Each of you has lost the thing most necessary to your survival." it's worth mentioning that thats not what i think is the most necessary thing to their survival but it is their own interpretation of what keeps them alive. like i for one actually think that the m/c is a lot more pragmatic than anyone gives her credit for but i digress. i could go on about all of their strenghts.
what did you guys think about hobi's secret reveal???? a fair amount of people have guessed it and i think when someone got it at the beginning of the series i lied and said it wasn't- i'm allowed to be an unreliable narrator too!!! kudos to everyone who got it! i feel like it could have been revealed better and originally the big one off was slated for next chapter but i decided to shift it to this one (mostly because i think the next chapter is about to get up there in terms of word count tbh 😭) but T-T its done now! please give me praise because i'm baby and this week has honestly been really hard
#bts omegaverse au#bts a/b/o#bts x reader#bts poly au#bts gang au#bts mafia au#bts polyamory au#bts au#bts fluff#bts hurt/comfort#bts werewolf au#bts angst bts omegaverse fic#bts hybrid fic#min yoongi fic#kim namjoon fic#kim seokjin fic#kim taehyung fic#park jimin fic#jeon jungkook fic#jjk#pjm#myg#knj#kth#ksj#jhs#jung hoseok fic#min yoongi x reader#kim namjoon x reader#kim seokjin x reader
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fighting heart | jeon jungkook au
summary: never living a life of luxury, Jungkook does what he has to do to make ends-meet. right now that means fighting in underground clubs, getting beat black and blue until he wins. he knows there’s a better life out there for him but he never let himself think about it. until you came along and suddenly a weight is being lifted off his shoulders letting you through his guarded walls. you’re everything he needed and you make him want to fight for more.
warnings: 15k words. smut. angst. boxer!jk x curvy,f!reader. violence [fight scenes]. mentions of blöod. rich y/n. degradation of y/n [a few times] but not by jk. mentions of wounds. y/n got some mommy milkers lowkey. big hips that jk likes t—. unprotected. fingering. handjob. missionary. sweet. y/n is whipped but Jk is whippeder. jin is kinda sketchy kinda not. tw: harmful language, physical violence, anatomical injuries. illegal fight club. gambling.
No where he went could he find silence. Rattling cages, loud chants and even bottles breaking. The room he was currently in was poorly lit. And he could barely see the damage that has been done. The room was in hues of green with dirty white tile showers and sinks with rust on them. The ground was covered in stains of old blood that didn’t wash away from the polished cement. Hanging above his head were fluorescent making hissing noises like the glass would soon burst into flames and shatter across the floor. They were flickering too, he could see them clearly through the dirty mirror he was staring at himself through.
He was a mess himself and he had no clue where to start. His hair was drenched in sweaty locks sticking to his face in strange whimsical lines. There was blood dripping down over his brow piercing somewhere on his hair line but he couldn’t see it clearly yet. There was a large red mark on his rib cages but other than those couple injuries he considered himself pretty clean.
The water pressure from the faucet was poor and when he first turned it on the water had a brown tint to it. He let it run over his wet rag squeezing out the excess before cleaning the blood and sweat off his face. He leaned forward and splashed water onto his face and rubbed some into his hair to at least rinse his sweaty hair a little bit. From behind him he could hear the swinging doors part ways as someone walked in with a huge grin on their face. He waved a stack of papers in his hand smacking it against the palm of his other hand, business suit and shoes sticking out from this room like a sore thumb. His hair was slipped back in a nice style and he looked better than Jungkook did at the moment.
“You killed it out there,” Kim Seokjin said as he leaned against the counter on the wall, staring at Jungkook’s back and the red mark on his side, “He got a few hits in it seems.” As he said that he moved to stand again walking over to the ice machine next to the broken paper towel dispenser. He took the big ziploc bags off the machine and began putting ice into one of the bags. He took plastic wrap with him as he walked over to Jungkook and motioned for the guy to lift his arm.
“Don’t worry kid, your cut is good today,” Jin said, pressing the ice bag to Jungkook’s injured side before bringing the wrap over it and pulling it around his torso to hold the bag down. Jungkook just looked at the drop of blood still leaking from the cut on his forehead making him reach out for his rag again. The sink had a new stain of blood on it from where his rag had been running under the water. He looked at Jin through the mirror, “How much?”
Jin smiled, “Little more than a grand but I got a few more investors out there looking to see another fight. You’ll get there once you focus fully on training.”
“I’m not a fighter,” Jungkook grumbled as he turned quickly once Jin finished up. There was a small limp to his step as he walked to his gym bag looking for clothes to change into. Jin shook his head in disbelief, “Not a fighter? Then tell me what I just watched tonight.”
“I told you this already. I’m not interested in doing anything more than a couple fights here and there,” Jungkook said putting on a worn out, oversized gray t-shirt. Jin groaned in frustration, “I don’t get why you’re so against it. You can make much more money if we go big. You’ll be rich you know? I can already see your fights on pay-per-view. Just think about the money, that’s why you’re doing this aren’t you? Think about your family.”
“I am thinking about my family, that’s why I’m saying no,” Jungkook told him, changing into some black sweats and throwing a hoodie on. The bag of ice was slowly melting but at this point he didn’t care about how ridiculous he looked, “They’d kill me if they knew I was fighting again, I’m sorry man, but no.”
He took his cut of the money from Jin, slipping his hood over his head and hoisting his gym bag on his shoulder, “Call me.”
His leg ached making his entire walk out of the underground club to his car all the more slow. His car lights blinked as it unlocked and he chucked his bag in the backseat finally getting in and starting the engine. Jungkook’s neighborhood was far from being nice but it’s location close to busy streets made night life more active. He got to his apartment shortly after, sirens going off just outside his window where he could see flashing lights and the tops of old buildings.
Despite how late it was, and his need to be alone he couldn’t have that. Not when his phone began ringing. He winced, reaching into his pocket and taking it out. Once he saw the caller ID he debated ignoring it. Now isn’t the time for it when he’s got a pretty girl in his bed telling him you don’t want to go home. But he answered anyway, “Hello?”
“Hi honey, I know it’s late but um,” his mother stuttered, he could practically picture her fidgeting, “We’re behind on rent again. I wouldn’t be coming to you if I didn’t need to.”
Jungkook didn’t say anything, it was the same thing over and over every single time. He was in his bathroom now, pressing his phone to his ear, “When is it due?”
“Well it was due a couple days ago—“ “And what happened to what I sent you the other day?” Jungkook asked.
“Your father needed it for a, well, uh, I can’t remember but you’re my son, you’re more reliable than anyone else,” his mother said, making him roll his eyes. “So why’d you wait till now to tell me? Should I call your landlord and see how long it’s been overdue?”
“Yah, don’t be like that,” his mother begged, “You’re supposed to help your parents. That’s why you moved wasn’t it? Why are you even up so late? What have you been doing? Who were you with? Were you fighti—“
“I’m hanging up. I’ll send the money in the morning,” with a tired sigh he ended the call wincing once more when he reached up for the handle to his medicine cabinet.
His small rectangular window was his only source of light in the bathroom as he rummaged through his medicine cabinet but his first aid kit was empty. With a tired grunt he closed it back up and left looking around for his things pulling the melted ice bag away that was now just a puddle of water. He grabbed his wallet and keys before leaving his apartment once more, this time by foot.
After a five minute walk he found himself in front of a familiar convenience store and he went in, immediately going to the medical section. He probably shouldn’t be walking around with so much money on him but it was too late to worry about that.
“Oh my god hurry up, I’m literally scared for my life,” A girl squealed a couple aisles down and Jungkook tried to ignore her, “We should’ve just gotten it delivered.”
“And if they didn’t have what I wanted?” Another voice piped in, slightly more bearable than the previous one but with the same tone, “Besides everyone can hear you, y’know?” As if he’d been the one spoken to he looked up from under his hood, eyes softening for a fraction of a second as they met your stare. He was the first to look away once he caught his reflection on the fridge doors behind you filled with alcohol. There was a line of red down his forehead again and it made him duck down under the aisle top and look for what he needed.
“I don’t care who hears me, just get a bottle and let’s go. Jimin’s waiting,” The high pitched voice spoke again and Jungkook found a box of wound closure band-aids, pain killers, and icy/hot patches. You rolled your eyes at her looking over to the guy in the hoodie again, there was a red stain on his forehead that you noticed right away. A little after Jungkook found himself standing behind you in line. He didn’t expect to find such a sight in front of him. You were in a hot pink mini skirt and a white blouse that matched your heels. Your legs weren’t super long but your thighs were wider and so were your hips. It made the fabric of your skirt hug your curves in the best way possible.
You and your friend finished up with the cashier and he found himself twisting a lock of hair over the bleeding cut on his forehead to hide it. He could feel your eyes follow him for a moment as you left at that and he moved forward to the counter.
That night he healed his wounds in his studio apartment under the moonlight while you got in the back of a Porsche for a night drinking.
There was a stiffness in the air, like all the poise and class was just an act that was hard to maintain. At least that’s what Jungkook thought because as he looked around not a single person seemed to be what they tried so hard to appear. Now, he’ll admit he’s probably the most out of place here but that didn’t mean he couldn’t notice things. For instance, his partner wore an expensive suit with a shiny Rolex that demanded the attention of everyone in the room. Yet he still seemed gentle, far from intimidating which is what he’s so poorly tried to portray. A hand landed on his shoulder blade giving him a little shake as the man spoke, “Lighten up Jungkook, this is for you. You made me good money last week. Think of this as a sign of my appreciation.”
“Is that what this is?” Jungkook asked looking around the lounge room with expensive alcohol in crystal glasses and 100,000$ leather seats. He started to fix the cuff of his black button-up as he looked around some more. The men in here were either his age or way older, all in designer suits and watches. All the women were young, beautiful, lavished.
Just like the one who crossed his line of sight in a black, shimmery dress that was barely around mid-thigh. A silver, diamond charm bracelet on the wrist that matched every piece of jewelry on your body—from what he can see. You were far across from him, somewhere off with a group he couldn’t see well and the dim light applying a glow to you in particular. And yet he recognized you right away as the person from the store last night.
“I’ve treated you to dinner, I figured I might as well treat you to drinks too,” Seokjin said looking up from his phone just as Jungkook’s eyes snapped back to him, no longer focusing on the stranger. He released a sigh, “Alright, I want to talk about business. There’s another match this weekend. Two fights and a couple grand in your pocket. It’s short notice and you need time to recover but I was hoping to convince you.”
“Against who?” Jungkook asked tipping his glass of scotch back before placing it down on the small glass table between them two. Jin gave a nonchalant shrug of his shoulders, “Some new kid and Park Seungmin. What do you say? Do I get it set?”
“Ask me again after a few drinks,” Jungkook said. Music played behind them but not nearly as loud as a regular night club’s and there was a faint smell of cigar. He hardly paid attention to whatever other small talk the two of them made, he was too tired to say anything on his own. He hadn’t even wanted to come out with Jin at first. It’s not that he didn’t like the guy. He did. The problem was that he could not understand why Jin would want to be a part of the kind of life Jungkook has involved himself in. Kim Seokjin came from money, the good kind of money.
It meant he’s never had to worry about food in his stomach or if the electricity would be cut off. He’s never lied about christmas presents he never recieved or about not having lunch money. He’s grown in gated communities and trips abroad for the holidays. There’s no reason for him to be making dirty money just because he could. Jungkook didn’t hate him, he just couldn’t never fully trust that Jin had his best interest in mind. All he knows is that he’s the only one Jungkook can go to at the moment and he’s going to see how far he can get. The downside was that Jin wanted him to go the professional route. He wants to mentor him and get him in more official rings that could be broadcasted. His boxing was good, Jin saw potential so he badgered Jungkook about it nonstop. He didn’t listen though, he was fine fixing cars and had no intention in being a professional fighter.
If he had paid more attention to Seokjin instead of the marks on his hands he might have noticed the way Jin casually looked around the lounge room. He seemed stuck on someone behind him, brows furrowed together in concentration before his eyes relaxed momentarily. He looked back to Jungkook, “I’ll be right back. I think I see someone I know.”
Jungkook didn’t bother responding, merely waving him off as he looked down at his phone. The money he just earned from his last match was enough to send to his parents but he still needs more for rent and utilities. His job won’t pay him till the day after rent is due and he can’t ask for another extension. If he wants to cover the rest he’ll have to do the fights Jin asked of him. He’s still a little sore from the last fight but if he tries to get back on training he should be fine.
“Look at all the space we have, just take a seat,” Jin said finally making Jungkook look up as three people were filing into the booth. He noticed right away when you were making your way into the rounded booth pretty much inching closer to him. He’ll admit, up close you’re even more beautiful than he thought when he looked at you from afar. Now he can see your features better than he had at the store. What are the chances that he ran into a random stranger twice? And one he thought about on his walk home from the store as a short distraction?
You didn’t shy away from looking him over as you finally sat down just a few inches away from him. Jin flashed him a smile, “Jungkook these are some friends of mine. This is Taehyung, Jia and Y/n. Everyone meet Jungkook.”
Jin didn’t give much time for introductions when he waved over a server and ordered more drinks for the table. Jungkook took his chance to get a look at you again and for the first time that night, your eyes met his. He was the first to crack even the smallest hint of a smile. You had a pretty face, your cheeks slightly rounded but your eyes were what drew him in. He likes the curve of your waist and the way your thighs look soft to the touch. Your dress had been a little higher from the back than the front and he understood why. You were so physically attractive to him. You had wider hips and a slight tummy pouch. The top of your dress was easily filled out by your chest which spilled slightly from the top. Your collarbone still seemed to protrude and a diamond necklace with your name engraved rested prettily on it. Y/n, he remembers the girl next to you saying it the other night.
“So what are you guys doing here? Don’t you have better places to drink at on a Saturday?” Jin asked once drinks came and Jungkook looked over to where the conversation was. Taehyung gave a shrug of his shoulders looking to his two friends, “Just wanted to get a few good drinks in before going out. Are you two free? Want to come with?”
Jin shared a look with Jungkook, “Yeah? Let some stress out.” He wasn’t sure though, he’s already over exerted himself being out with Jin but at the same time now that it’s been brought up he wouldn’t mind. There was a shift on his side and suddenly you were leaning forward to look at his face.
“I agree, if you’re stressed then maybe you should come have drinks with us,” you said with a bright smile. That convinced him way too easily and before he knew it, he was leaving with the rest of you to a club. He stood behind you in line and when you were all inside he was at the bar right there with you.
“You look familiar,” you said bluntly turning away from the bar counter to look at him while your drinks were made. It caught him off guard at first before saying, “You do too.” Your smile was softer now but just as pretty and you batted your lashes, “I know where I’ve seen you.”
“Where?” Jungkook wanted to see if you actually did recognize him or if he just looked familiar to someone else you’ve seen. You pointed a finger at him, “The store. You were dressed all emo and stuff.”
“I was just wearing dark colors,” What you said made him smile a little before adding in, “But yes, I recognize you too. You were wearing pink.”
“Oh you even remember what i had been wearing? Was it because you liked it or because you liked me?”
“Can I say both?” Jungkook said with a lighter tone now. He found you attractive, alluring even, despite your snobbish tone. Your eyes narrowed in interest and you let your eyes travel from the faded scar on his forehead to the belt holding his jeans up. He was attractive in a way you couldn’t explain. An absolutely beautiful intimidating man.“I thought I knew all of Jinnie’s friends, how come I don’t know you?” You asked taking your drinks from the bartender.
He gave a small shrug, “I wouldn’t say we’re close, more like acquaintances. How do you know him?”
“Family friends.” “All of you?” You gave a nod of your head taking a sip from your drink just as he did. You looked down at the hand he had on the bar too. It was covered in ink and rings on his pretty fingers but the more you looked the more you saw. It included red knuckles with faded purple and brown marks like bruises. Jungkook noticed right away where your attention had drifted and he opted for moving his hand off and keeping it to his side.
“Can I be honest with you?” He asked suddenly trying to draw attention away from his hand and also speak some truth at the moment, “I think you’re beautiful.”
So he found himself closer to you later on in the night. His hand had even made itself to your hips as you sat on the stool scooted close to his. The two of you had completely forgotten about the group you were supposed to be with but they didn’t even attempt to intervene. If anyone seemed hesitant it was only Taehyung and Jin just brushed his worries away. He knew you well and you liked the fun, he knew Jungkook needed some fun even if it’s just for one night.
Later on in the night the two of you disappeared into a cab. He was more hesitant than you were to initiate any sort of intimate contact. Even inside the club he only had an arm around you and when he offered to take you home he was only hoping to spend a little more time with you before asking for your number. He didn’t expect for you to be on him in the back of the cab. Your lips were on his and he was kissing back eagerly, uncaring for the way the cab driver looked back at you.
“Just one address or two?” The driver asked as you pressed a kiss against Jungkook’s jaw leaving him breathless. His hand was on your curved back keeping you close as he barely had a chance to look over to the driver. You beat him to it when you pulled away for a quick second to mutter, “One address,” and went back to kissing him. He wasn’t complaining, he hasn’t done this in a while.
With work and all the matches he’s been in on top of training, he doesn’t have much time to go out and meet people who weren’t drunk placing bets on him. Even the women at the fights were drunk, a little more sleazy, not as clean and definitely didn’t have skin as soft as yours. His other hand found it’s way to your thigh, fingernails digging into the plump skin and he wanted to do more than just touch with his hands.
Jungkook’s not sure how it happened but they ended up at his place instead of yours, maybe because it was closer to the club or maybe because he gave it to the man first. Either way it was too late to argue about it when you were already urging him to get out. He quickly paid for the cab and was helping you, kissing you one last time as the cab drove off. He smiled sweetly, “You sure you’re okay with this?”
“Okay with what?” You asked wrapping your arms around his mid section leaning into him when his arms went around your waist. He cleared his throat looking down at you slightly more concerned now, “With this, with me…”
You smiled, “I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t.” You’re not even asking questions. Not about his bruises or cuts or red knuckles, “Besides, I like you so are you going to take me upstairs or am I just gonna stay out here.” Jungkook took your hand now dragging you behind him inside his building trying not to get your expression. He didn’t want to see how you’d feel about his clearly run down apartment. Even this late at night there were a few tenants just sitting around on the stairs. He moved you in front of him staying close behind you to avoid you being stared at by some creep from the back. Once you were in his dark apartment it was immediate.
You didn’t even look around the place, letting him lead you to creaky twin sized bed he called his own and kissed him roughly, hands pulling at his shirt immediately as he made himself comfortable sitting next to you. You were on your knees looking taller than him deepening the kiss with your tongue now and he was gladly kissing back just as hard. His hands found their way to your legs, squeezing once again at your meaty thighs that pressed against each other with no gap between. The fullness of your figure was so damn tempting and it had his fingers inching under your short dress.
When you didn’t seem to object to his touch he went ahead and let his hands circle around your hips to the back where he could feel a very small pair of panties covering very little. Like your thighs, your butt was squishy making his fingers sink into it as he felt you up and it had him groaning into your mouth in want. His mouth trailed down your jaw, sucking gently against your neck as his hands continued feeling you up, your dress already up and around your wide hips as he played with your underwear. A finger slipped under it holding it out as he let his hand feel underneath.
A breath caught in Jungkook’s throat when your hand was pressing against his thigh now, long nail barely grazing his leg moving closer and closer to his growing member. You seemed just as impatient as he did and it made him wonder how long it’s been for you too. He doubts it’s been as long as him. You took him by surprise when you started unbuttoning his jeans with one hand and with ease and he was helping you move them out of your way. Following your lead when your hand began to palm him over his briefs, he did the same.
You moaned softly into his mouth as his hand pressed against your slicked heat from behind with his arm around your waist pressing you into his side. His head was aligned with your heavy chest and when he leaned it against the silky fabric, he could feel the softness of your breasts. His free hand couldn’t stop himself from reaching up and feeling you better. You wore a thin, flimsy bralette that hadn’t even been enough to conceal your nipples throughout the night but it made it easier for him to feel you better. The weight of your breasts was heavy in his hand, flesh spilling between his large fingers and you were so damn soft, everywhere. It made him want to sink into you, press his face between them and just feel your warmth.
Your breath hitches as he circles your clit, sending small shocks throughout your body. He moved your underwear out of the way, revealing your perfect cunt to his fingers with no barrier. Just as your hand snuck under his briefs, his middle finger was running between your folds, slowly letting more into your tight snatch. Even down between your legs were you soft, just as plump and warm. Your hand held his cock now, almost fully hard and with a gentle stroke you felt him hardening even more. Finally his long finger sinks in just as the strap of your dress slipped off your shoulders exposing more of your breasts to him. Without thinking he tugged your bra down making your tits bulge out from on top even more, “You’re so damn beautiful.”
He was being honest as he kissed the plump flesh feeling it bounce along his tongue and he just wanted to take a nipple into his mouth and suck. You didn’t answer verbally but he could physically feel the light squeeze of his cock on an upstroke and he was groaning around your nipple. His face was still rubbing against your breasts as his middle finger pumped in and out of your wet cunt lathering it in more slick and he took the chance to sink another finger in. You gasp, your tits bouncing against his face and he let them rub over his face while simultaneously hitting that spongy pleasure spot in your tight walls, stroking it everytime his fingers sank back in. You were still on your knees on his bed and he was still holding you against his side as you jerked off his cock but he wanted more.
Fingers still inside your pussy, he began to stand not moving your hand off his dick as he lightly pushed you back to lie down. His hand left your folds from behind and slipped it between your thighs again from the front. His pace quickens, and he uses his weight to hold you down, twirling your thick buds with his tongue. You breathed heavily feeling the twitch of his member when your thumb ran over the slit in his tip over and over again.
Without thinking, and probably too rough, his hands were leaving your breasts and pussy to pull at the fabric of your dress. It’s been teasing him all night and he needed it gone, so that’s what he did. The fabric was no match for the rough yank he did on it making it tear open and he was harsh with the way he yanked it off your body groaning at the sight.
He stood taking his jeans and shirt off as you undid your bra kicking it off exposing large breasts to his hungry eyes. His hands run down your middle, the soft chub on your ribs and stomach sinking his finger in and he was staring down at you with awe, “You’re so beautiful.”
“You already said that, I want to know what you’ll do to show it to me,” you teased wiggling your hips when his hand went to pinch at them, squeezing and groaning at the feel. He could feel a bit of your hip bone but it was mostly covered in plumpness that made his mouth water. Your hips were good for squeezing and he wanted to take you. Suddenly, realization hit him like a truck.
“I—I don’t have a condom.”
“I’m on the pill,” you said already reaching between your bodies at his hard clock begging for attention, “As long as you’re clean and pull out.” He gave a brief nod of his head capturing your lips with his as you lined his dick up with your heat and did the honor of taking him. You moaned into each others mouth as he stopped at the ring of nerves that needed a bit more stretching. You were tight, he felt all the soft walls of your cunt squeeze his thick member as he sank in with a groan, squishing against you, breasts against his chest.
“Oh God,” you moaned against his lips at the first real thrust of his cock into your wet pussy and his hand was sliding down to grip your ass while the other was on your breasts. He squeezed both in time with a second thrust, still testing the waters before doing it again, quicker and rougher now.
His head rested against your neck, moaning your name softly, “So fucking beautiful, all of you, fuck Y/n.”
“You feel so fucking good,” he growled into your skin leaning down to take a fat tit into his mouth matching each lick of your nipple with a rough thrust. Suddenly he’s lifting himself up, hands leaving your sides to press against the bed on either side of your head. He looked down at your naked body licking his lips, slowly bringing his hips back before slamming into you with force that had your tits jiggling and his lips parted at the sight, doing it again so it could happen once more.
Jungkook lets out a long exhale as you continue to cry out his name making him work his lean hips, thrusting in and out of you with purpose.
“Jungkook,” you moaned, hands holding his sides as he fucks you, tight abdominal muscles flexing along with the veins leading to his dick all the way from his navel. The position only lasted a moment before he was laying his full weight on you again wanting to feel you pressed against him, body shaking along his.
“I’m so close,” you groaned when he gripped your ass, not being gentle in the way he squeezed, shaking it a bit and using it to fuck your pussy back into his cock, “Let me cum.”
“Fuck,” he slams himself into you feeling his entire body shudder but he was holding off, “Cum, fuck, cream my cock right now.”
“Oh God,” he groaned against your skin when you did just that, fingers curling as your release hit moaning beautifully into his ear and his body shook slightly. He was gentle but quick in the way he pulled out of you, your orgasm wavering as your slick leaked out of your folds. His cock was on your pubic bone now, spurts of creamy semen spilling onto you, covering you in his cum. His hand was on your knee for support but it was no use.
He was dead weight on top of you, but you don’t mind—you brush your fingers through his hair, giggling when you feel his soft lips kiss your breast, “You’re amazing.”
You felt his breathing begin to get uneven and you wrapped a leg around him continuing the brush of your fingers, caressing him since he seemed to need it. You held him in your arms as he clung to you. Now, you’ll admit, at this time you’d start getting your clothes again and find your things to leave. Maybe you would’ve already had a scheduled Uber but you weren’t doing any of that—and it wasn’t because he tore your dress in half. “You made me feel so good,” you whispered softly into his ear and it made him hum in appreciation, eyes shut slightly. He never realized how much tension he’d been holding onto without release until now that you held him.
You were naked and sticky, even sweaty, but that didn’t stop you two from snuggling after sex, his gentle lips leaving soft kisses along your neck tiredly as his eyes shut in relaxation. Like that, you both let sleep take over and you were warm in each other’s arms.
The sun shined brightly against your sleeping face. You squeezed your eyes shut some more but it did little to keep the light away. You decided to move, roll over and hide your face in one of your many pillows but as you tried to, you nearly fell. A yelp escaped your lips, face inches away from the floor as two arms caught you by the waist. Jungkook was half asleep but alert as he looked over your tired form. You fell back onto the twin sized bed pressed against Jungkook’s chest staring at your surroundings.
In better light and a clearer head you had a better chance to look around his apartment. It was smaller than you pictured when you were lying underneath him. You just didn’t realize it was this small. You’re not sure if you’ve ever been to a place that looked like this. His bedroom, kitchen and living room all in one space with ripped wallpaper and broken cabinets. Jungkook seemed to stiffen under you when he noticed where your mind was going.
Last night was… how should he put it without sounding so dramatic? He just felt very appreciated and not just his body but also the things he had to say. You paid very close attention to what he felt and it was more than anyone has in a while. Sure, the fighting gets him attention but not for anything good. It was abuse and exploitation. That made him hate himself but what he experienced last night was lively. He wouldn’t mind getting this feeling because of you again except you couldn’t be any more opposite and that’s what had him skeptical.
“You okay?” He asked suddenly, nervous because you have yet to say anything after your abrupt awakening and he’s itching to know what you think. His shabby apartment looked even worse than he imagined. You just gave a single nod and that made him anxious now, sliding a little out from under you trying not to pay attention to the way you were both still naked. He released a quiet sigh, “If you want to go home now, it’s okay, you can tell me.”
It was morning anyway, he’s not sure what he would expect differently. You seemed to snap out of your own thoughts turning as best as you could to lay on your stomach over him. He looked down at you with an expression you could only read as dejected, sullen or tired even. Your chest rests on his chest as you look up at him, “And what if I don’t want to go home yet?”
Jungkook couldn’t hide the look of surprise on his face when you ran your hand over his chest turning to look at him, “How about a shower together?”
You stared at the man in front of you expressionless, or well, you were trying to be. He, on the other hand, was open with you. A knowing smile on his face with brows raised in amusement. He was even leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed over his chest, head tilted to the right just slightly waiting for you to speak.
“You’re starting to creep me out,” You said with a roll of your eyes as you looked over the roof, city life thriving about sixty stories below you. Jin cleared his throat, “I was wondering if you had anything to say to me.”
“About?” You asked as the waitress came back with your food. You were seated across from Jin at some high end restaurant for lunch. It sat on the roof of some luxury hotel and it’s where you two decided to meet between your classes. You had a feeling you knew what this was about but you weren’t about to give in. A day and a half was spent in Jungkook’s presence. You didn’t even go to class the following day, instead you stayed in his apartment and did absolutely nothing.
“You’re a vixen, y’know? You sank your claws into Jungkook and got him, I applaud you,” Jin said making you roll your eyes again. “What are you talking about? You’ve got a crush on him or something?”
“I’m just saying, I’ve been trying to get that guy to let loose but all he does is push every chance away,” Jin told you as he picked at his plate. Your eyes narrowed leaning forward against the table, “How do you two know each other, anyway? He didn’t really say.”
Jin sneered, “Of course he didn’t. He doesn’t like it.”
“Doesn’t like what? No, don’t tell me,” you shook your head. You wanted to know because you were definitely interested. But was it your business? Jin smacked his tongue, “It’s nothing serious.”
“I’m his manager of sorts, but also an investor?” Jin said with a shrug taking a big bite, “He’s a boxer, like in the ring with glo—“
“I obviously know what a boxer is,” you said clearly annoyed with your older friend who just chuckled knowing he was getting under your skin. You were curious now, “Besides, what does it matter to you? You work in a law firm.”
Jin groaned as if he had a reason to be annoyed with you when clearly he didn’t, “I’ve got a few interests, alright? Sketchy? Maybe, but it is exciting. I met him a year ago when I was watching a boxing match. He was new and he was good, a lot of strength and control. I just have this idea that he can make it big and I can get him there. It’ll be a give and take. I already make good money off his fights from my cut and imagine what a bigger audience can do?”
“So what you’re saying is Jungkook… he makes money from boxing?” You asked and he just shook his head no. “No, well kinda? His family has a lot of debt—“
“Stop, stop talking,” you covered your ears suddenly, “I don’t want to hear about his private stuff unless it’s from him. I get it. You kinda work together?”
Jin rolled his eyes, “Yes but that’s not what I wanted to talk about. I want to know what transpired you to go with him the other night. I didn’t peg muscular, tatted, brooding men as your type.”
“I didn’t either,” you said honestly, “But I don’t know. I saw him one time before that at a store and he had been bleeding from his forehead. I think that’s why I was curious at first.”
“And now?” Jin asked making your brows furrow. “What do you mean now?”
He sighed, “I mean are you curious still? Jungkook is a good guy, great guy even but it wouldn’t work Y/n. Your parents would kill you if they found out you were seeing a guy like him. He’s not… he hasn’t had the same privileges as you and it just wouldn’t look good. He’s a great kid but he’s got real struggles that you wouldn’t understand.”
“Hypocrite much?” You asked with a tilt of your head, “Like you would understand those struggles more than me? Are you going to tell him this too or just me because I don’t think Jungkook would appreciate it.”
“Jungkook’s smart, I’m sure he understands why it wouldn’t work. You’ve been to his place I assume, you had some thoughts on it I know. But at the end of the day, I’m loyal to you as a friend more than Jungkook. I’ve known you since you were five and I’m looking out for your best interest.”
“I don’t need you to Jinnie,” you rolled your eyes as you pushed your finished plate away. He let the topic drop with a reluctant sigh. He really did appreciate Jungkook as a person and even as a friend of sort but at the end of the day… what they had never went beyond business. The dinner the other night was to discuss another tournament, what happened after was a spur of the moment. He had respect for Jungkook for what the kid has been through but that’s what makes him wary. He’s seen how mad he can get, how little he actually has to support himself and how battered his life was. You wouldn’t fit in anywhere and Jin cares about you too much to let you fall for someone like him.
“Besides, I’m seeing him later after class,” you said brightly. Jin couldn’t argue with you anymore, he just wanted you to know what he thought. He knew Jungkook was a good guy, he just didn’t think he was right for you. Suddenly you flashed him a bright smile, big puppy dog eyes and a bat of your lashes, “You’re treating me to lunch right?”
“You probably have more money than me Hotel Heiress,” Jin said with a scowl but you didn’t let up. Your bottom lip curling down, “But you invited me.”
“Aish,” he rolled his eyes at you as he took his wallet out, “You’re so annoying.” “Thank you Jinnie, you’re the best.”
He took you back to campus after lunch and you went to your last couple of classes. Taehyung waited for you outside your last class, “Jia and I want to go shopping, you coming?”
“No, Jungkook is waiting for me outside,” you told him reading over Jungkook’s text telling you where he was. Taehyung’s brows furrowed, “Jungkook? The guy from the other night? Don’t tell me you’re seeing him again.”
“Fine I won’t tell you.” “Y/n I’m serious, I don’t know him but the other night something seemed of—Y/n!”
“Bye!” You sang as you saw Jungkook’s black, tinted car. He was outside waiting for you and a smile spread across his face. He pulled you in for a hug, “Aren't you cold?”
“Shivering,” you said with trembling teeth and he helped you into his car ignoring the rise of your skirt. Once he was inside he kicked the heat up, “So where do we go?”
He was nervous. He hasn’t seen you in a couple days and now that it’s the weekend he’s not sure what he should do. Is this a date? Do you even want to date him? You didn’t ask him anything over the time you were at his place but he could tell you wanted to. Would you run away when you found out the extent of his struggles? You bit your bottom lip in thought, humming as you tried to think of something, “Lets go to my place.”
So he followed the directions to the other side of the city where he’d dropped you off just days ago. He only got to look at the outside of the skyscraper hotel with your last name displayed in metal letters under the hotel’s name. The inside was gorgeous, marble everywhere with white clay walls and curved edges that gave the hotel a seamless image. Even the furniture was the color of the walls and the only pop of colors were deep green and shades of brown. He let you drag him into the elevator where you pushed for the top floor putting your key in to unlock the floor and he traveled the hundred stories up.
The second the elevator to your floor opened Jungkook’s breath hitched. He didn’t realize you had the entire floor to yourself until he walked in and saw the various doors to different amenities all just for you ranging from private gym to an entire room larger than his apartment dedicated to shoes and handbags. You walked down the hall to the main living space and he continued to look around. Large kitchen, large windows that looked over the skyline with a pool on the balcony.
“So this is your place?” He asked obviously as you went to your bedroom which, once again, was bigger than his apartment with a king sized bed and canopy. You gave a quick nod of your head disappearing into your closet to change into something warmer, “18th birthday present.”
He was too nervous to even sit on your bed but you came out all joyous jumping on him and tackling him down on it. Immediately, a jolt of pain shot up his side making him wince and you jumped to get off his lap. His hands gripped your waist keeping you in place and your brows furrowed in concern. You reached for his shirt when he held your wrist to stop you but you pulled it up anyway. Jungkook’s face heated when you stared at the faded bruise on his side. It was worse than it was when you two had sex, it was more brown now with yellow around the edges since it was old.
Your finger just barely brushed over it enough that it didn’t hurt but he still flinched at the contact making you frown as you straddle his groin, “You were fighting?”
His eyes widened at first but relaxed when he realized who would’ve told you. Maybe you were closer with Jin than he thought. Lord knows he only sees Jin when it comes to the business they’ve involved themselves with. You, on the other hand, were at Jin’s societal level and probably saw him at galas and fashion shows. So Jin told you about the fighting and you still let him into your home? Without another word you shimmied off his lap and he could feel his heart drop. Maybe you were rethinking things. Maybe you saw that it was a bad idea to get involved with him and now you’re backing out. He wouldn’t blame you after seeing the way you lived compared to him. He expected you to kick him out, not to lean down and press a soft kiss on his ribs, “Did you at least win?”
Jungkook gave a slight nod of his head in response and you smiled moving to lay on the bed now right next to him. You sat your head up on your palm looking over to him, “Do you like boxing?” He shook his head honestly and it made you frown, “So why do it then?”
He was quiet for a moment, “I’m good at it and it’s easy money.” “This is easy money?” you pointed to his bruise but before he could answer you were backtracking, “I mean… I’m just trying to understand but you don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to.”
Jungkook couldn’t help but lean forward to press a gentle kiss on your lips before wrapping an arm around your waist pulling you into his side, “Why are you so perfect? Aren’t you a little scared? I’m not a good guy.”
“Why? Because you beat the shit out of people for money? Oh yeah you’re such a thug,” you rolled your eyes, “Besides, I’m not perfect, I’m actually a spoiled bitch.” He laughed along with you snuggling in your bed despite the sun still being out.
“To answer your question from earlier, the only reason why I do this is to help out my parents. They’d kill me if they found out but they’ve got a lot of debt and I want to help them how I can. I dropped out of school my final year and I went straight to work,” Jungkook began to open up, “I didn’t want to leave school but we needed the money so I had to get to work. There weren’t many options where I’m from so I packed up my shit and came here.”
“Wasn’t that hard?” You asked cutely and he could see it in your eyes that even if you didn’t understand, you wanted to. He nodded, “Yeah, I slept on a lot of couches at first. I couldn’t get a good job since I didn’t have a diploma but I started working as a mechanic and was able to get the place I’m at now for cheap if I fix maintenance problems myself.”
“I met this guy who told me he knew how I could make quick money and it was just supposed to be a one time thing but I can’t support myself and my parents with just the car shop.”
“And Jin wants you to be a legitimate boxer? Like one of those lightweight champion fighters?” You asked making him crack a smile as you laid on his chest. He began to play with your hair, “Yeah and I just don’t get it. I’m not going to get far. I don’t how to play by all the rules. I don’t think it’s worth the risk. For now I’m fine working at the auto shop.
“But, you don’t want to see if it actually works out?” You asked curiously, “And would you want to work as a mechanic forever?”
“I’m not thinking about forever, I’m thinking about the present and what gets me by. When I get a chance to live comfortably then I’ll look at the bigger picture but I still don’t think it would be boxing.” He was honest and a little blunt but he didn’t mean to sound that way. He was just being realistic. He knows he’s living paycheck to paycheck and still coming up short but it’s what he needs to do right now. He can’t dedicate himself to a career where he doesn’t get paid frequently unless he trains and devotes all his time.
You didn’t say anything for a moment and it made him wonder if he made you uncomfortable. It’s not that he thinks you had it easy growing up but clearly you’ve grown up with a totally different mindset and endless possibilities. After a while before he could backtrack you spoke, “I see what you’re saying, sorry,” you mumbled and he seemed to squeeze you in his hold. He shook his head no though you couldn’t see him, “Don’t apologize. You were just curious.”
‘So can I go to see you?” You weren’t even done saying what you wanted to say when Jungkook was muttering a few ‘no’s’ making you turn to face him now still laying on him. You went to move back and his arm stayed loose around you but let you move, “Why not?”
“Because it gets really ugly and it’s dangerous. It’s not something I want the girl I’m into to see,” he said mixing in a confession and putting it out there for you to understand what he’s on. He absolutely had no desire to get close to anyone romantically but now that he has, he’s really interested. He finds you attractive but it wasn’t just that. You seemed to listen to him and though you could, you don’t judge him— or at least he didn’t hink you do. You looked at him with an annoyed expression but it was playful, “But I want to see you.”
You didn’t directly say you were into him but you did lean in for a kiss letting his lips meet yours softly. You released a soft moan when his arm tightened back around you turning his body slightly to kiss you better. The two of you pulled apart but his hand was still cupping your face gently and he looked down at you. You opened your mouth to say something but he immediately shut you up with another kiss before pulling away again, “So pl—“ Then another kiss on your lips and you couldn’t help but laugh when he did it again quickly now, “Please let me wa—okay!—“ kiss after kiss on your lips so you wouldn’t keep talking about seeing him fight.
He wouldn’t let you.
Or so he thought. Jungkook held your hand tightly as he led you through the thick crowd watching the fight from before. You looked around anxiously now. It was louder than you imagined, dirtier, rougher. It reeked of alcohol and dirty money. You could feel the stares on you when you walked past and though it made you uncomfortable, you felt a little better with Jungkook there.
He sensed your unease because he pulled you closer until his arm could wrap around your waist, pressing his face against yours to whisper in your ear, “You still okay?”
“Mhm,” you nodded leaning in to give him a quick kiss as he smiled, “Alright, I gotta get ready.”
“Jungkook! My man, you’re late,” a guy with a huge grin on his face approached. You ignored the way he seemed to look at your figure but Jungkook was pulling you closer to his side than before. Jungkook just smiled, “Things came up.”
“I see that,” the guy’s eyes stopped at your legs, then your hips, and chest, “I’m Hoseok by the way.”
“Y/n,” you answered in a snobby tone as you glared back at him. He was way too open with staring you down when Jungkook was there. Jungkook thought the same and it had him pulling you along, “I’ll be out in a bit.”
It was still strange to see you in the locker room with him. The same grimy room he was in last time when he was beaten pretty bad and still came out on top. You tried to hide your disgust but he could see it in the way you avoided touching anything. Jungkook cleared his throat, “I can take you back to the car, if you want.”
“Why would I want to leave?” You asked moving closer to him as he attempted to wrap his fists up by himself. Jin should be here soon to help him with that but until then you’ll just watch him get ready. He looked over to you, in your skirt and sweater making him even more nervous. He asked you to dress down, not because he didn’t love seeing your pretty outfits, but because he didn’t want anyone to get any ideas with you. He’d hate to hop out of the ring so people wouldn’t come at his girlfriend. It still feels weird to say that. Never did he imagine he’d get swept up so quickly and yet here you were, absolutely breathtaking and sweet.
His breath hitched so suddenly, your arms wrapped around his exposed torso in a back hug pressing a kiss to his shoulder plate. He turned his head to look back at you and you took the opportunity to kiss him on the lips.
“Sneaky little snake Y/n.”
You pulled away with a roll of your eyes. Jungkook looked to the swinging doors as Jin walked in. Jin glared at you, “What are you doing here? And why are you dressed like you’re going to a summer Christmas party?”
“I’m covering up,” you said only answering his last question as you let go of Jungkook to give Jin a spin, “Don’t I look pretty?”
“You always do,” Jin said with a shrug as Jungkook’s eyes narrowed in his direction at that comment. He still has to get used to the fact you’re very close with Jin. Tame his jealousy and be less serious all the time. His friend seemed to be thinking the same since he rolled his eyes, “Don’t look at me like that. Why’d you bring Y/n to a place like this?”
“Because I asked,” you said when Jin stepped up to help Jungkook put his gloves on. He scoffed, “And Jungkook is fine just doing whatever you ask?”
When Jungkook didn’t say anything Jin released an annoyed huff of breath as he finished up with the wrappings. Jungkook wasn’t paying attention to anyone but you as he lifted his gloved hands to reach for you. Jin looked between you two muttering something under his breath as he walked out the door giving you two a minute. Jungkook put the gloves on your hips as you moved between his legs looking down at him from where he was sitting on the bench. Your arms rested on his shoulders as he looked up at you with rounded eyes. He leaned forward resting his forehead on your chest, “I’m happy you’re here tonight.”
“Really? I thought you told me no,” you said playfully and he looked up again, still resting on you, squeezing you even closer to him. “But it’s nice to have someone there for me.”
You didn’t know what to say so instead your hands slid up from his shoulders to his face and you leaned down to meet his lips. He kissed back immediately, trying to touch you more but his gloves didn’t let him. It was short and sweet only interrupted when Jin opened the door back up.
He looked to you, “Come on, we’ll find somewhere to be, let Jungkook concentrate before the fight. He’s going up against a new guy first.”
Jungkook gave you a kiss goodbye and you told him good luck and left. You stood with Jin at the closest seats to the ring and he was trying to let you know what might happen tonight.
“So there’s two fights for him. The first will probably be the easiest but if he’s too worn out in the second he might not win. Now, he’s got a winning streak and a lot of people don’t like that so they’ll be fighting dirty tonight,” Jin told you honestly, “A lot of people are mad they’re losing money to him and there’s very few rules here. There’s a couple illegal moves but a lot of it is free game so beware he could get seriously hurt. Hence why I want him to go the professional route but he won’t, his family doesn’t want him fighting. If anyone talks to you don’t even entertain it, alright?”
“Yes dad,” you said, though you were definitely feeling anxious now. Music was loud but yelling was louder. It reeked of sweat, alcohol, blood. It was dirty and crowded and you could feel people looking at you. There were very few females here and they all glared at you too. Jungkook told you to not even bring your purse but you still felt like you needed to keep your possession close.
When Jungkook came out in just a pair of boxing shorts and shoes, mouth guard in looking like a completely different man than the one you kissed just moments ago, you saw him in a new light. Reality was hitting you that he was very much an intimidating man. When he passed you by he didn’t shy away from going to you for a good luck kiss before jumping over rope to get into the ring. When he kissed you it only made more heads turn.
You didn’t pay much attention to what the ref[?] was saying because it was so overwhelmingly loud in here. Practically overstimulating you and suddenly you weren’t so thrilled being here. Jungkook looked scary but so damn attractive, jumping from foot to foot getting his blood pumping as the other guy came in. He was roughly the same size as Jungkook, just less muscle. “You’re in for a show,” a voice spoke as someone plopped down next to you. You looked over to Hoseok who now sat on your left while Jin sat on your right.
“How much?” Jin asked him and they leaned over you to discuss betting amounts. When the bell rang you paid your full attention to the scene before you. Since this wasn’t such a professional fight there were less rounds to go through and the first knockout was a win. Only three rounds and he needed to score high on two to win.
The first round wasn’t a clear win. Jungkook did the first hit making the guy stumble back and you understood why everyone was so energetic. This was nerve wracking and everyone shouting for the one they wanted to win was getting to you. It was during the second round when things began to heat up. This time the other guy did the first hit, a hard fist to Jungkook’s bruised side but he didn’t even flinch. He delivered a harsh blow to the guy’s jaw giving him an uppercut that sent him stumbling against the ropes.
His body slipped to the floor, blood dripping from his mouth and your hands clasped together as the referee counted the seconds for knockout. The guy attempted to get back up but only kept slipping down on the floor. When the whistle blew the round was given to Jungkook. You clapped happily now making him look over to you with a small smile. He was already drenched in sweat, long hair stuck around his face and clearly out of breath. Jin got up with a bottled water and towel taking it to Jungkook as they talked about something you couldn’t here.
“What do you think so far?” Hoseok asked you as the third round started and your eyes locked in on the fight. You have a shy shrug, “It’s… new.”
Hoseok chuckled, “I bet it is, you’re the only one I’ve ever seen wear Cartier here. Better to take it off before someone else sees it.” You nodded but you didn’t take it off in case you’d lose it. Instead you hid it under your sweater now. The third round was quicker, it took one blow for the guy to fall and laughter rose around you.
By the end of the fight, Jin was hurrying you up to the locker room assigned to Jungkook again. Jungkook was already at the sink examining the damage but when he saw you he hid his bruised side. You didn’t even have to say anything when he was reaching for you, “You okay? Is this too much? I’ll have Jin take you to the car, did anyone say anything to you? I’m sorry, this is probably jus—“
You shut him up with a kiss, his body immediately relaxing into it as his head tilted to the side to deepen it with his tongue. Jin audibly gagged behind you, “I miss Jungkook when he was depressed. Now all you two do is eat each other’s faces off. How you feeling Kook?”
“Good, nothing major,” Jungkook cleared his throat awkwardly when Jin passed him an ice bag. The break till the next fight was really short. The guy he would be going up against had already fought his contender when Jungkook arrived. Once they have their fight and marks are tallied they’ll know who wins. If he wins he’ll be able to pay off some of his loans before the loan sharks come knocking on his door again. He’ll send money for his parent’s bills. He’ll pay his car payment, utilities, buy groceries, and take you out on a date. It won’t be as nice as you’re probably used to but hopefully he can do something. He’ll show you that even if he doesn’t have the kind of money you do, he’ll do anything for you to see how strongly he feels.
Having a support system in the audience cheering him on was motivation to win and he promises he’ll win for you. You wanted to watch him fight so he’ll give it his all.
You got back to your seats once the warning for the next fight came. Jin clutched your hand, “You’re holding up better than I thought. You’re usually more high maintenance. You don’t even like going to the gym because it makes you sweat.”
“But sweat looks so good on Jungkook,” you answered looking at Jungkook, “Now shut up. The fights about to start.”
“You think this guy’s got a chance against Seungmin?”
“Nah, he’s not that focused tonight. Probably because his bitch is in the crowd.”
Your brows furrowed at who was talking about you. Jin shook his head when you tried to turn and look, “Just ignore it.”
The first round started heavy. Jungkook’s opponent threw the first blow right in his face. His head whipped back as he was hit in the nose and you visibly winced. Jungkook didn’t feel too much pain from it, probably due to adrenaline, but it made his eyes water and blur for a second giving the guy a chance to hit him in the gut.
The crowd was going crazy around you as Jungkook delivered three hits in but his body collapsed to the floor. The guy had hit the back of Jungkook’s head that had him stumbling down on the floor in pain. You gripped Jin’s arm, “Isn’t that illegal?” He only shook his head, “Not here.”
10
9
8
7…
You waited to see if he’d get up but he couldn’t lift his head. Your leg was bouncing anxiously and before you knew it, the round ended with a knock out. Jin got up immediately going to Jungkook’s aid and he looked worse for wear. The round was given to the other guy and before you could even think you were walking to the rope. Jin was wiping blood off Jungkook’s face grabbing the back of his head checking for blood.
“He’s got a heavy hand,” Jungkook panted out of breath feeling his ears drum. Jin held his head, “Block your fucking head Jungkook. He’s playing extra dirty, he’s going to keep going for it if you’re already injured.”
“Jungkook,” you said softly making him turn, finally noticing you and suddenly he was sitting up on the stool. He sniffled, “Yes baby? Are you okay? I promise I’m fine, if it’s too much don’t look—“
“Fighter’s ready!”
Jin gave Jungkook a kiss on his forehead, “Two rounds. You gotta win this and then you get a pay grade. Alright?” Jin led you back to your seat before you could even talk to Jungkook more but maybe it was for the better.
Jungkook was tired, worn out from the last round and the fight before. His opponent at least had resting time after his fight since Jungkook’s fight was after. Jungkook didn’t get as long of a break before he was thrown into the last fight. He stood in position for the bell to ring but the guy across from him was jittery.
A smirk on his face as he looked over the audience before he snickered, “Brought your toy along? I like her, might just take her from you.”
Jungkook tried to ignore it, jaw tense as he reeled in his anger. The guy was a shit talker, he wanted to get in Jungkook’s head but he won’t let him. He just wants Jungkook to lose focus but he won’t. The second the bell rang Jungkook gave the first hit, getting Seungmin right in the stomach before giving him another hit on the side of his head.
You watched anxiously, Jungkook seemed to have felt better enough to fight back stronger. Hoseok looked over to you, “The kid’s got it, he’ll win.”
You’re not worried about him winning. You’re worried about how hurt he’ll be after and you understand now why Jungkook didn’t want you here. He was strong, he could fight and hold his own but watching him get beat black and blue was heartbreaking. But you couldn’t look away. You were at the edge of your seat, there was blood dripping down Jungkook’s eyes painting it red but he kept fighting, he stayed on his feet even when he was backed into a corner. He blocked his head with gloves and when Seungmin least expected it he punched his nose then jaw. The opponent’s body whipped with the force of the hit and though he tried grabbing rope, he crashed to the floor.
Jungkook was jumping from foot to foot keeping himself moving as the ref counted down to knockout and he released a breath. He sat on the stool in the corner of the ring tipping his head back staring up at the hanging lightbulb over them. They’re tie. This last round will declare the winner of this fight and it has to be him. He can get a few hundred and though most will go to bills he swears he’s going to try and take you out.
Jin was in front of him again, this time he pressed an Enswell to the cut above his brow, “Last round, it’s yours man, I can feel it. You’re faster, you’ve got more coordination. How’s your eye?”
“Hurts like a bitch,” Jungkook confessed through his mouth guard. He turned to look for you but stopped, wincing when Jin wiped the blood away. The cold metal against his skin was numbing the pain but he could still feel his eye swelling, “How’s Y/n?”
“Fine, focus on your opponent not your girlfriend,” Jin said harshly but he only meant it out of concern. He wanted Jungkook to be focused so he wouldn’t get so roughed up in the last round.
Now it was the last round. He shifted his mouth guard to fit better as he stared at Seungmin. He watched his head turn to look at you, eyes wandering up the expanse of your legs to your skirt. His words were mumbled due to the guard but he could understand him clearly, “Yeah, I’ll take her as my prize. She’ll look good as my bitch, bet she’s got a fat ass t—“
Jungkook shoved him, the crowd growing louder as the ref blew the whistle, pulling them apart. The guy only laughed glaring at Jungkook, “Look real nice with her legs spread just for me. She tight?”
The whistle blew.
The first throw Jungkook took didn’t land, it was too blinded by rage that Seungmin touched him first backing him up into the corner again with his larger build, “Bet she likes to fuck dirty with that body.”
Jungkook struggled, moving too quick to cause real damage and block his eye at the same time. Seungmin kept going, “You think she’ll put up a bigger fight than you? I like the figh—“
His breath was knocked out of his body when Jungkook threw a direct punch to his diaphragm making him stumble back. As he clutched his chest Jungkook took the opportunity to hit where his kidney should be, bringing the guy down to his knees in pain.
You were on your feet with everyone else cheering Jungkook on unbeknownst to what was being said about you. Though Seungmin was down, anytime he tried to get up Jungkook would stop him. With an uppercut, Jungkook punched right at Seungmin’s ear sending a ring down his ear drums and he fell to his side.
But Jungkook didn’t stop. The gloves made it hard for him to really get his hands on him but he wasn’t done. He didn’t even care about the round. He cared about beating the fuck out of this piece of shit for talking about you, so he did. He got over the guy, straddling his curled position as Seungmin blocked his own head from being hit. There were no rules outside of no weapons, and no weighted gloves so he wasn’t stopping until he was dragged off of him.
“Jungkook!” Jin called out when Jungkook brought a fist back and hit over the man’s hands getting as much of his head as he could. He raised another arm to do it again as the whistle blew.
He delivered another blow feeling the bounce of the mat, the ref saying he won since it was a knockout but he wasn’t done.
Just as he was ready to give him another hit he was being yanked off but he wanted more. He wanted the guy bloody and bruised for the way he talked about you. He lurched forward to do it but strong arms held him back, two people telling him to stop. The ref raised Jungkook, “The winner! There, you’re done with the fighting!”
He had to be dragged out of the ring by Hoseok and Jin. He could barely see out of his eye and the crowd half cheered half booed, “Where’s Y/n?”
He was feeling dizzy, drained and tired. Jin sat him down on the bench and you went to get ice. You wanted to cry though you had no reason to. He just looked so scary out there but also, he was clearly beat. You had to collect yourself instead of let your emotions show. You’re the one who begged him to let you see him fight. You passed the bag to Jin feeling like you needed to catch your breath. Jin let you sit next to Jungkook who seemed too far into his own world to pay attention.
He was hot, his body was on fire and he was breathing heavy, leg bouncing as he thought back to what Seungmin had been saying. The fucking disrespect. Even if you weren’t his girlfriend, how could Seungmin say things like that and expect Jungkook to not react? He wanted to fight him again, it was all he could think about.
“Take the keys,” Jin told you and you did. Hoseok came in shortly after, “I’ve got the cut. Seungmin’s mad, cussing at everyone saying it’s cheating.”
“Says who?” Jin scoffed making Hoseok shrug, “No one. Jungkook won, everyone could see Seungmin was instigating and now he’s mad he got his ass handed to him.”
He chuckled as Jin took Jungkook’s gloves off and the mouth guard fell to the floor. Jungkook grabbed a t-shirt ignoring his wounds as he stood suddenly. He grabbed his things and like confused idiots you all rushed after him.
The place was still bustling with drunk energy and Seungmin’s voice was heard over it all.
“Take him out the ring and I’ll fucking beat him.”
You stayed a little behind as Jin tried grabbing at Jungkook but he just pushed him off.
“I call rematch and I’ll take the money and his bitc—“
Okay, well now you knew what he had been telling Jungkook. Jungkook turned Seungmin around but before the guy could react, a hard fist was colliding with his nose. Screams erupted, some urging the fight, some calling security. This entire time Jungkook had been silent with only a deadly look in his eyes. You gasped loudly when the guy threw Jungkook off trying to get on top of him but Jungkook wasn’t letting him. His fists weren’t stopping and they were covered in blood now.
“Jungkook!” You didn’t know what else to do. You couldn’t just go in and stop the fight like an idiot but you didn’t want Jungkook to do something he’ll regret. Jin seemed to be thinking the same because he did try and get Jungkook off only to be shoved aside.
Suddenly, security was there, picking Jungkook up with an arm around his neck locking him in. He fought against the hold once Seungmin was sitting up spitting out blood but Hoseok cut in. You didn’t know he was the one in charge of it all but it made sense now.
“Enough!” He yelled out, “If you’re not inside that ring you’re not fucking fighting or your asses are done!”
You walked to Jungkook practically feeling the heat radiating off him but you tried being gentle as he fought against the security still, “Hey, Jungkook.”
He couldn’t even look at you, eyes set on the guy and before he could stop himself he was lunging for him again catching security off guard and accidentally releasing him. Seungmin fell into a group of people when Jungkook did it again. You covered your eyes blocking out the yelling as they tried getting him off.
This time security wasn’t so nice, picking Jungkook up and throwing him on the ground making him gasp for air from his injuries. You immediately went to him, “Stop, please, can you please just stop.”
You didn’t notice you were crying as Jin helped Jungkook up and silently dragged him out. Jungkook was mad even as you made it outside.
“I fucking told you not to come!” Jungkook yelled, “I told you Y/n.”
“I know, I’m sorry,” you apologized, making Jin shove Jungkook into the passenger seat. “Stop acting fucking crazy or I’m leaving your ass here and taking Y/n home.”
You had the keys with you, hurrying to start the car so the two of you could leave but Jin was at Jungkook’s window. You rolled it down for him and the look on Jin’s face was saddened.
“Hoseok took half the cut for fighting outside the ring.”
“What?” Jungkook asked sitting up in his seat. Jin just nodded, “Took it, man I told you not to act out.”
Jungkook took the amount that was in Jin’s hands counting it up before cursing. It wasn’t nearly enough, not for everything. It wasn’t even enough to pay his family’s bills. When Jin pulled back you took the opportunity to drive but you didn’t take him to his place.
You were struggling when you pulled into the parking spot in the hotel parking garage and dragged him out. The garage was connected to the side of the hotel so you took him in the elevator as far as you could go and went up. As long as you avoided the lobby nobody would no how badly your boyfriend was beat.
He was silent now, all the pain finally hitting him at once and he felt hopeless. All that was for nothing. He won but at what cost? He let his emotions get the best of him and he yelled at you. Fuck, why did he do that? He couldn’t even apologize, it’s like his mouth had been sewn shut and look at this. You’re having to drag him yourself because he can’t walk himself. How pathetic.
When you got to a floor you found a cleaner and called to her as you got onto the right elevator hiding Jungkook against the wall, “Take a first aid kit to my room.” Everyone knew who you were and you couldn’t risk Jungkook being seen and your father being notified. The woman just nodded, running off already and you went to your floor. Jungkook didn’t say anything about coming to your place instead of his. He would’ve if he wasn’t trying to faint.
It didn’t take long for the first aid kit to get to your place and he followed you in.
He didn’t feel too awful but he was embarrassed. He didn’t even want you looking at him. His eye is practically swollen shut but thankfully it wasn’t the side with the piercing on it. He could still feel some blood on it but he had to force himself to ignore it as he followed you to your bathroom. You were bent over running the water in your overly large bath tub. You directed him to sit on the marble side of it and he did as told. You reached out to pull his shirt up but he stopped you.
“I can do it,” he mumbled looking down, “I’m fine.” You tried getting him to look and he wouldn’t but when you lifted his head he turned away making you frown, “You sure?”
“I don’t want you seeing me like this,” his voice was raspy, “Fuck I’m sorry baby, I’m so sorry for yelling at you earlier.”
“It’s okay,” you said, holding his face gently, “But look at me, please.” It took him a second but when he did you released a sigh. You had a warm wet cloth as you began cleaning his eye area, “I’m here.”
He looked at you close to tears. “You don’t have to do everything alone. I want to take care of you too,” you said, making him sniffle. He shook his head, “I always do it alone, it's okay.”
“It’s not,” you said once he was finally undressed. You checked the water and poured some bath salts in and urged him to get in. He was naked in front of you but you couldn’t look at him, he didn’t want you to see all the pain he went through even if he says it’s not that bad. You sat on the edge of the tub waiting for him to get in and he did so shyly. As he sank into the warm water he looked back at you, “I shouldn’t have yelled at you in the car. I’m sorry you had to see me like that, okay? If you don’t want to be with me because of it I wo—“
“You won’t what? Stop me?” You asked cupping water in your hands and letting it run over his body, “So if I tell you right now that I don’t want you, you’ll just leave without a fight? You must not like me that much.”
“I love you,” he blurted out, happy that he was facing the wall instead of you but he would rather have you in here with him, “That’s why I wouldn’t stop you from leaving me. I’m not good enough for you.”
“Says who?”
“Y/n be serious, please,” Jungkook released a sigh turning to look at you. Now that he’s more cleaned up his wounds don’t look so bad but his eye was still swollen and his knuckles were bloody, “Look at me. Look at what I did tonight and where I live an—“
“I am looking,” you told him with your hands in his hair wetting it, “And tonight made me realize that I’m in love with you. I don’t care about where you live, I don’t care about any of that.”
“But I do,” he said when you started tugging your skirt and sweater off. Yes, he wanted you in his arms in this tub big enough to fit four people, but he didn’t want to just think about himself. He wanted you to know that he understands how different you two are and if tonight scared you, he understands why. He was a monster.
“Why?” You asked, sinking in across from him, “Why do you care about that stuff if I don’t?”
“Because it’s not enough for you. I want to give you so much of myself. I want to treat you the way you deserve to be treated and I can’t,” Jungkook said honestly, voice cracking here and there, “I’m not good enough, I fight to make money and look what happens. I can’t control myself, I yelled at you for no fucking reason and I hate myself so much.”
“Because you yelled at me or because you don’t think you’re enough?” You asked cautiously, making him shake his head no but he didn’t even know what he wanted to say. Yeah, he strongly disliked himself. He worked his ass off and it was never enough. He never had enough money, enough food, enough restraint, stability, or love.
You were careful when you leaned forward placing a soft kiss to his jaw, “I know you didn’t mean to snap. I know your buttons were pushed. I know you were stressed out and I don’t blame you at all. If I did I wouldn’t have you here with me. I don’t know how much more direct I have to be for you to see that I care about you so fucking much.”
“I don’t care about money, or yelling or any of that shit, I care about you and how you make me feel so safe because I know my strong boyfriend will beat the shit out of anyone who talks about me,” you said making your tone lighter at the end and he almost cracked a smile. He would never let anyone treat you any sort of way. That’s true.
His sore hands were holding your waist now underwater trying to pull you onto his lap. Though he’s been hit a few times in the gut, the place he was most hit was his face. His lip was pulled between his teeth, “My fighting scared you.”
“No, it didn’t,” you confessed, “What scared me is knowing that guy could do pretty much anything to you and it wouldn’t be breaking the rules.”
“I know,” he said, agreeing with you. It was getting extremely dangerous. If he gets hit in the head any more times he’ll get punch drunk before he’s 26. It’s not the fighting that’s the problem it’s where he’s doing it that is, “But as embarrassing as it is to confess to you, I need the money.”
“I understand baby, I’m not saying anything about that,” you told him honestly, running your fingers through his hair, “But it doesn’t have to be this way.”
“What are you saying?”
“I’m saying I agree with Jin,” you told him making his brows furrow as much as they could. “If fighting is what you’re good at and you want to fight then go ahead. It shouldn’t matter what anyone thinks unless they’re here caring for you instead of putting more stress on your shoulders. I know your family doesn’t like you fighting and honestly, after tonight, I didn’t like seeing that but it’s not because I don’t support you.”
“It’s because I do, that I want you to have better opportunities in a safer, more regulated environment and not some dingy ass fight club,” you told him with a kiss to his shoulder blade, “So I think you should think about going professional. Jin and I have good connections everywhere and with the right training you can get really far. But if you really don’t want to then I won’t ask anymore.”
“You think I can do it? How am I gonna have time to train when I’ve got to make money,” Jungkook asked, suddenly thinking about it. You were a lot more convincing than Jin but maybe it’s because you’re so loving—and naked in his arms.
“I’ll help you with mon—“ “No,” and he was unconvinced, “I’m not taking handouts. I’m sorry baby but not from you. You’re my girlfriend, you’re not supposed to have to let me borrow money. I want to be able to take you out and spoil you and I can’t if—“
“It’s not a hand out, it’s your girlfriend wanting to do things for you because she really loves you and wants you to be at a point in your life when you’re not stressing over every little thing,” you told him. He shook his head, still unconvinced. He can’t. He can’t. He loves you too much to put his worries on your shoulders. You pressed a kiss to his collarbone, “Besides I’m not saying you won’t be able to do it on your own, I know you can.”
“What I’m saying is that you don’t have to do it alone, and if it’s not money that you want help with that’s fine but don’t shut me out because you’re scared of relying on someone else. You’re too used to being the one dealing with your problems and everyone else’s. I want to be the one you have in your corner.”
“So I should go pro?” You nodded making his eyes dart around in thought, “I’ll still be fighting but I know now it’s because I like it.”
“Yes but you’ll be doing it as safe as can be, I don’t want you to go into a fight like this again and the guy do anything he can to get you down,” you told him and he looked up at you.
“Okay.”
“Okay?”
“I am… I am asking for your help,” he struggled to get the words out but he did, “Because I don’t want to keep living the way I am, barely surviving and having to do dangerous things to get by. The reason why I never considered it is because I wouldn’t have the time or the money or even the support but I have you now.”
“You do,” you smiled, “And even if it doesn’t work—it will—but if it doesn’t, I’m still going to be here supporting everything you do.”
“I love you,” he blurted out looking in your eyes, “So fucking much and I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. I’m just sorry you have to see me like this.”
“Shhh,” you pressed your lips to his, “I love you too.”
You gave him a chaste kiss, “But we need you training on defense asap.” His brows furrowed as you continued, “I’m serious, you’re a good fighter but when it comes to blocking hits you suck.”
The two of you laughed lightly at that. It was true. He was a street fighter only using his fists to fight but when it comes to defending himself he’s not so quick. Hence why his face is usually the most damaged. His fingers sunk into your sides, “You gonna be my new trainer, baby?”
“Maybe, I know my way around a fight.” “Mmm, you’re gonna have to show me some moves but not in the ring.”
Your eyes rolled playfully, “Not tonight, you’re probably tired after your rounds.”
“I could still go for another round or two.”
“Are we still talking about fighting?”
::.
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taglist: @nikkiordonez12 @blushblossomsblog @fandems @whosaero @purpleunicorn051 @rerefundslocals @shaybts-blog @hobiseightbracelet @beautifulsunghoon @piscesbunnny @bitemejjk @jeonjcngkook
a/n oooo not a boxer jk. still debating how I feel about the fic but it was fun to write
no part two but I will accept requests for drabbles of the fic
also, my blog now has a tipping option to support my writing :) I obv am not expecting any sort of payment but just added it
#kpop#jeon jungkook#jungkook smut#jungkook au#jungkook angst#kim taehyung#bts#jung hoseok#kim namjoon#kim seokjin#min yoongi#park jimin#bts smut
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Seokjin fic recs 2023
In honor of Seokjin’s birthday, I want to share my favorite fanfictions that I’ve read this year. Although I did not read as many as I wanted to, the list will be short. But! I’ve leave my ‘to read’ list at the bottom to make up for it 💜I want to thank each and every writer on this list for creating such wonderful stories and art - you are truly amazing ✨ All the fics on this list hold a dear place in my heart 🥹
❗Most of these fics are smutty as hell or contains dark themes, so minors dni.❗
If you read anything on this list and you like it, please leave a comment to the writer or reblog the original fic’s post 💜And if you want more fic recs you can follow me to stay updated 🙂
BTS fic rec index → May | Jun | Jul | Aug | Sep (jjk)(knj) | Oct (pjm) | Nov (*) | Dec (💜)(kth) |
Emoji meaning → angst = 🌩️, smut = 🥵, fluff = 🥰, comedy = 😂, yandere = 😈, thriller/dark = 👻.
⭐Knocked by @sailoryooons [10.6K]
// ksj x f.reader // roommates to lovers // 🥵😂
📝 Living with people is difficult, but all things considered, your new roommate isn’t terrible. He cooks, he cleans, and if you had to be honest - incredibly attractive. But his habit of streaming until the early hours of the morning while yelling and making other questionable noises has pushed you to the limit. You’ve finally decided to risk your sanity and put it all on the line with a reckless bet in hopes of getting some peace and quiet at night.
🗨️ This was so hilarious, and the build up and pay-off was really good 👏
⭐Sleepover by @peachypinkygloss [7.3K]
// ksj x f.reader x pjm // bestfriends!au, threesome // 🥵
📝 You spend a night with your two best friends at their dorm room. You should have known that they wanted to do more than just watching movies.
🗨️ Omg this was so good, the smut 😘🥵
⭐I Don’t Think I’m Okay by @ressjeon [4K]
// ksj x f.reader // slice of life, idiots to lovers!au, childhood friends!au // 🥵🥰🌩️
📝 With many chances wasted, you couldn’t even resist anymore.
🗨️ A cute little Seokjin fic 🥰
⭐The IKEA Test by @yoon-bug [9.1K]
// ksj x f.reader // established relationship // 🥵🥰😂
📝 One review on IKEA’s website called the BRIMNES bed frame the leading cause of divorce due to its difficult assembly. You and Seokjin had laughed when you read it. Now, you weren’t so sure.
🗨️ Their banter and all the sexual innuendos are damn hilarious! I thoroughly enjoyed this very much 💜
I’m really sad that I didn’t get to read more Seokjin fics 😭 I have a lot on my ‘to read’ list, so I’ll share some that I’m really excited to read when i have more time (and I know they’ll be great because they are written by amazing people!) ✨
‘To read’ list ⬇️
Fast Lane by @yminie [20.6K]
Cherry Topper by @kth1 [17.6K]
Final Sleigh by @floralseokjin [23.3K]
Stuck with you by @taleasnewastime [29.6K]
Small Tuna Fish by @floralseokjin [17.1K]
Off Limits by @floralseokjin [series; completed]
Raspberry truffles by @gukyi [5K]
Christmas Warfare by @gimmethatagustd [14.5K]
9 Months to Fall in Love by @floralseokjin [series; completed]
Redamancy by @jeonggukingdom [7.1K]
Sunday by @here2bbtstrash [5K]
Serve Me by @chateautae [16K]
Meet Me at the Bar by @eoieopda [7.5K]
Internal Conflicts by @yoongiofmine [series; completed]
Forever by @oddinary4bts [25.2K]
Thank you, Daddy by @ktheist [19K]
The Devil Wears Armani by @floralseokjin [series; completed]
Glazed & Dazed by @floralseokjin [30.3K]
Wet & Wild by @jamaisjoons [10K]
Warm this Winter by @jamaisjoons [51.6K]
Peach Parfait by @jamaisjoons [series; completed]
Borderlines by @jamaisjoons [series; ongoing]
All I Don’t Want for Christmas is You! by @minisugakoobies [23.7K]
Cupid’s on Holiday by @persphonesorchid [17K]
Don’t Go Baking my Heart by @candlewaxandp0lar0ids [14.7K]
Platonic by @joheunsaram [series; completed??]
Last November by @kithtaehyung [24.7K]
Sit. Stay. by @daechwitatamic [14K]
Turn Back Time by @raplinesmoon [13.3K]
Made-up Love Song by @floralseokjin [series; completed]
Lost and Found by @taleasnewastime [21.2K]
I’m so sorry that I didn’t get to read more! 😭 Life happened, and yeah. But all of these wonderful fics on my list sound so incredibly good and I really look forward to reading them and give them a lovely review 💜
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SEOKJIN!!! 💜 🥳 🎂
#bts fic recs#bts fic#bts fics#bts imagine#bts imagines#bts scenarios#bts x female reader#bts x you#bts x y/n#bts x reader#bts x reader smut#bangtan x you#bangtan x reader#bangtan smut#bangtan fanfic#bangtan fic#seokjin fluff#seokjin angst#seokjin smut#kim seokjin#seokjin#seokjin x reader#seokjin x y/n#seokjin x you#seokjin x oc#jin x reader#jin fanfic#jin smut#bts jin#jin x you
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Paubaya | bts
[BTS as the song PAUBAYA by Moira Dela Torre]
— Which part of my love wasn’t enough?
In which, you have to let go of the man you love when he’s in love with someone else
Word Count: 3,331
Content/s: be warned y’all; ANGST, falling out of love, falling in love with someone else, cheating, unrequited love, one-sided pining, fluff if you squint really really good and have blurred vision, saD, SAD HOURS
[masterlist] | more [reactions & headcannons]
A/N: Here comes the first song fic / headcannon thinggg!~ This song is back in my faves so I thought to write this little blurb bc i love angst 🤪💅
Paubaya in Filipino means “to entrust” or “to leave it to someone” which, in the concept of love, means that a person giving up the person they love to someone else
I recommend y’all to listen to the song!! IT’S SO ANGSTY AAAAAA and the music video is juST as heartbreaking (and there are eng translations provided too! Don't worry)
Also, I also tweaked some things I deem to be a more accurate translation. The Filipino language has gender neutral pronouns which is why I tweaked with the english translation from the mv itself instead of the he/him pronouns used \(￣︶￣*\))
ANYWAYS, I hope y’all enjoyed this /(ㄒoㄒ)/~~
KIM SEOKJIN
At kung masaya ka sa piling niya
So if you’re already happy with them,
Hindi ko na 'pipilit pa
I won’t force it anymore
“I want you to be happy, (Y/N).”
Such words were soft and well-meaning—as wholesome as the very man that said them—and yet they stab you in the heart all the same. How could it not?
An hour ago, your childhood best friend had invited you for lunch in one of the restaurants the two of you frequented in college. You had been excited at the thought of spending time with him, but this was definitely not the turn of events you had expected to happen.
“I think it’s time for you to really move on,” he smiles at you encouragingly.
Kim Seokjin’s rejecting you for the last time.
He made this clear when he showed you the ring he intended to propose with to his partner of three years. It was simple yet pretty, just what you imagine he’d get, and yet to know it wasn’t meant for you, it hurts like bitch.
While you were the reason they met in the first place, the selfish part of you has always held on to the possibility that fate might finally turn things in your favor. Those chances became slim when they got together, and while you had respected their relationship, that little devil in you still hoped they wouldn’t last.
Alas, your struggle with the unrequited pining never really ended.
You often wondered what your friend did differently, that, out of the two of you, it was your signals and confessions that got turned down. It was you who got their hair ruffled, feelings not taken seriously, and teased for having a "fleeting crush" that has been gnawing at you for a decade. It was you who had to swear multiple times that you're going to move on, except you don't because god damn it you love Kim Seokjin with your entire being and heart.
Just as you had gotten used to their relationship, the thought of them getting engaged now opens up a wound in your heart, bigger and deeper than the last. “Can you really not love me, Jinnie?” you ask, quiet as you stare at the ring. “Is there really no chance?”
Seokjin smiles apologetically. “I do love you, (N/N),” he tells you in that brotherly tone he’s always used. “Just not the way you want me to.”
Here he is, wishing you happiness after he finally realized that your feelings he brushed off as a crush ran deeper than he thought, and a part of you resents him for that. Still, the better part of you—the one that’s so helplessly in love with him—wants his happiness, too.
You find yourself nodding slowly, chuckling breathlessly in defeat. “I want you to be happy, too,” you tell him, tears flowing down your cheeks as he lets you pull him into a hug. ”I wish you the best—all the best in the world.”
Maybe this time, you will finally move on.
MIN YOONGI
Ang tanging hiling ko lang sa kanya
My only wish to them is that
Huwag kang paluhain at alagaan ka niya
They never make you cry and they take care of you
Deep down, you knew.
You knew your time with Yoongi was up.
The gummy smiles, lingering touches, and warmth beside you in bed were once the things that made you feel fuzzy with love, but now they twist and turn your insides. The eyes that once look at you with adoration were fading, and while you knew well he did nothing behind your back, you could tell him staying with you was becoming nothing but a repetitive seesaw game. It's only a matter of time before he asks you both to get off of it.
But before that…
“Do you love him?”
HYBE’s recent rising producer avoids your eyes, practically squirming in guilt. They’ve been working on the new album together, and all it took was one visit to know that his love wasn’t meant for you anymore.
For a couple of months, you tried reigniting the spark you and Yoongi lost, huddling over that could-have-beens and waiting for that warmth to return to you, but it never did. You love him, but you’ve grown tired. You think he has, too.
It’s time to put an end to this.
“Be honest with me, please,” you softly beg, “I need to know.”
Finally, you receive a nod in response, tears brimming around eyes that can’t really stare at you for too long. “I’m so sorry,” they tell you, and a gut feeling tells you they truly do love him. You’ve been in those shoes before, falling helplessly for a man like Min Yoongi.
“Don’t be,” you say, “He loves you, too, you know. I can tell.”
In the distance, you see a familiar figure standing at the entrance of the coffee shop. Your heart clenches as you meet his heavy gaze filled to the brim with concern and sorrow. “Please take care of him,” you turn your attention back to the person before you. “He always forgets to eat and sleep on busy days, and he always manages to fall asleep in the most uncomfortable of places.”
Wide eyes follow you walking towards the man that held both of your hearts in his hands. A glassy-eyed Yoongi waits for you to stop before him, unsure of what to say or do.
It was you who made things easier for him, hands shaking as you take off the ring on your finger. With one last smile, you place it in his hand and give it a squeeze of assurance.
“Life happily, Min Yoongi.”
JUNG HOSEOK
Ba't 'di ko naisip na mayro'ng hanggan?
Why didn’t I think that our story would have an end?
Ako 'yong nauna, pero siya ang wakas
I was your first, but they will be your last
For your first love, you were given a real gentleman in the form of Jung Hoseok.
The memories you built together in the secret in-betweens of his life as Jung Hoseok and J-Hope of BTS were a core part of you as a person. There was a struggle, of course—with him and his budding career as an idol, and you finishing your studies—but in the moments you were together, the world just felt right. He just felt right. It all felt like it would never end.
Except when it did.
When the distance and everything else became too much, he had asked to break things off. A part of you loved him still—you don't think it's possible to ever stop loving someone like him—but you, too, knew the both of you couldn't hold out any longer with how things were.
You thought, then and there, that it would be impossible for you to stop loving Jung Hoseok even if it would be the last you'd hear from him, but if this is what that was, then you wouldn't mind loving him from afar.
Until, years later, that unspoken promise of yours manifests itself in a more painful form.
You bump into him at a family reunion and meet him as the man your third cousin has been spoken for. The fancy, shiny rock on their finger had all the aunties and grannies squealing.
"It's been a while," Hoseok softly greets, hesitantly holding out a hand for you to shake, and for the sake of civility, you obliged.
Butterflies spring across your belly, and it's a familiar yet dreadful feeling—like the undead coming to take you. "I know, right?" you attempt to muse, retreating your hand. "Life's been good I hope?"
"Good as can be," he politely nods, sending a smile your cousin’s way in a way that makes your heart clench.
The tension must’ve been clear enough on your face, since your cousin picks up on it so easily. "You know each other?" they ask, head tilting in confusion.
You couldn't blame them, or anyone outside the boys and the management, for not knowing. The world didn't know a (Y/N) (L/N) existed—that once upon a time she loved a man named Jung Hoseok and he loved her.
Still, you know it isn’t right or fair for you to chase him when they’re happy and content in their own little bubble. You'll always love Jung Hoseok, even if from afar.
"Yeah," you smile, bittersweet, "but it was a long time ago. Don't worry."
Whoever said first love never dies must've clearly meant something else.
KIM NAMJOON
Ba't 'di ko nakita na ayaw mo na?
How could I have missed that you no longer wanted this?
Ako ang kasama, pero hanap mo siya
You’re with me, but you were looking for someone else
Kim Namjoon is the best boyfriend you can ever ask for.
When he holds you in his arms, it's one of the best places in the world—so soft like clouds, and so warm like a hearth, that you'll almost always be seen dozing off.
When he gets to decide on the date, he takes you to these places that really heal your soul, and when you pick, he simply goes with the flow.
When he speaks, it's always the most thoughtful, sincerest pieces of his thoughts—one that always brings you comfort, makes you feel seen and heard, and your heart swells with delight.
Which is why you had to say it before you regret not doing so.
"I love you, you know."
The silence of the night sits between you both, the chatter of the party inside nothing but a faded noise. Namjoon stands next to you, gentle giant that he is, making you look up at him with a soft smile on your face.
A blink or two, and he breaks his pause with a stammer. "I…" he hesitates, wetting his lips as he rubs his nape. "I'm sorry…"
Oh. So it's like that after all.
You stand there in silence, heart open for the taking and he's sweating in guilt. "I know we've been together for quite some time now," he seeks to explain himself, "and in the beginning, I really thought this could lead to something real, but there's been a recent epiphany that has changed things for me."
He takes a deep breath. "I'm—"
"in love with someone else?"
The smile on your lips return, and this time, he recognizes the bittersweet hints of it. "I know, Joon," you tell him, "I'm not that blind."
The very person in his heart was inside, having fun with the rest of the members—the same one you've caught receiving the end of his lingering gaze in the past month, the same one that he is so ready to help or hangout with, and the same one he unconsciously looks for every time you're together.
Had he held you, gone to your dates, and spoken to you thinking about them instead?
You don't want to know.
In truth, this was what you've been preparing for to happen—the pain to come from ripping the bandaid you've covered your delusions with. "I…" you breathlessly chuckle, not expecting your heart to be hurting this much. "I really did hope for the probability that you would choose me, but I can see very clearly that this isn't what you want."
Still, if his wisdom had ever taught you anything, it was to cherish what you've had. "I'm glad I tried though," you smile amidst blurring tears. "That I got to know what it's like to have someone as sweet as you be my boyfriend."
"(Y/N)..."
Those warmth he would give, the embodiment of comfort and safety you never quite found anywhere else, and the little things that made you fall in love with him—such things showed you what a good kind of love can feel like.
Deep down, you had wanted to play into your fantasy just a little more before you both had to put an end to it.
You take one hand and squeeze it, indulging in the feel of his hand in yours. "I really do love you though," you tell him, other hand reaching to cup his cheek as you did, "and I want you to be happy. I hope you know that."
A breathy exhale left him as his glassy eyes took you in. "I'm really sorry, (Y/N)..."
"There's no use pretending otherwise," you hush. "The heart wants what it wants."
And it doesn't want me.
Mustering your strength, you tiptoe and give his cheek a kiss. "Thank you for everything."
Kim Namjoon is still the best boyfriend you could've ever asked for, even if he didn't love you in the end.
PARK JIMIN
Ba't 'di mo sinabi no'ng una pa lang?
Why didn’t you tell me from the start?
Ako ang kailangan, pero 'di ang mahal
That I was who you needed, but not who you loved
“What?”
The rain pours harshly against the windows as the words you hear from your boyfriend rips your heart out from within. You feel the world come to a stop, and you pray—pray—for it all to have been some sick nightmare your brain conjured up from movies and stories.
Park Jimin sits before you, head hung low and fingers fiddling with each other. “I…” he sighs with a shaky breath that takes yours as you wait for him to repeat his confession. “I don’t love you anymore…”
The past year flashed before your eyes—back to when he went from being your best friend to someone who made the butterflies in your belly go wild with excitement. If this had been in the early stages, maybe then you wouldn’t be so hurt—maybe then, you could accept this as a mere fling that’d pass.
Why did he have to make you fall in love with him?
“Is this about who I think it is?”
Jimin flinches and in that instant, you know how much you’ve been a fool all along.
Back when you were young—just teens still joking around and figuring out life—he had fallen for someone he shouldn’t have fallen for, someone who didn’t really love him back the way he had hoped. You’ve seen him cry over her, go through countless stages of grief, and move on to become the man he is today. You’ve held him through that rough patch in his life, and needless to say, you feel utterly betrayed right now.
Last month, their paths crossed again and you thought nothing of it, until now that you’re looking at the disaster that’s come to tear you to shreds. “Was I…” you breath hitched as you try to hold back a sob, “was I just a placeholder all along?”
Jimin’s eyes go wide as he profusely shakes his heart. “(Y/N), no. I just…” he scrambles to sort his words. “I didn’t expect for my feelings for her to come back like this, a-and—”
“What?” you scoff, “they love you now?”
A part of you—a tiny fraction of it—feels some semblance of relief to hear he did love you in some way, but that could only mean you were never enough to compete with that person. You knew it—from the way he was so lovestruck before and from the way he’s shaking with guilt now.
“I’m so sorry,” he cries, as you gather your bearings.
You don’t know how things will end up for them, but you know better than to keep a heart that’ll never be yours. If happiness for him is with them, then you’ll give him that and you won’t be in his life any longer.
“Don’t get your heart broken again, Park Jimin,” you say, soft with your sincerest worry for the man you loved, yet cold from the betrayal you’ve been slapped with. “I’d hate for you to feel like this.”
KIM TAEHYUNG
Ba't 'di mo inamin na mayro'ng iba?
Why didn’t you tell me that there was someone else?
Ako ang kayakap, pero isip mo siya
I was in your arms, but someone else was on your mind
"It's just not the same anymore…"
In hindsight, you suppose you should've seen this coming.
The moment your clingy boyfriend became distant, his bright, boxy smile becoming strained, you should've seen this coming.
The moment he started making excuses and not coming home to you, you should've seen this coming.
The moment the once comfortable silence became stifling, your mind panicking to fill the void in, you should've seen this coming.
Except you didn't.
Here you are at the dead of night, clutching the covers tightly and pretending to be asleep while Taehyung's sitting at the edge of the bed on a call. You listen to the love of your life confess to his best friend how he's falling out of love with you, and how he's terrified that he's finding that spark in someone else instead.
You don't hear Jimin's end, but something he says makes Taehyung sigh shakily. "I don't know what to do," he says, voice heavy with guilt and heartache. "I can't look at her anymore without feeling shitty. I tried but…"
He's crying.
By some miracle—perhaps that of the gaping hole in your heart—you find yourself too hurt, too shocked, and too much to be in tears. Kim Taehyung, who had always talked of your future together, was now torn between his heart and the promises he's made with you.
"I don't know what to do…"
Stuck between the urge to hug and hit him, you end up doing nothing—until the call ended, until he collected himself enough to cool off in the shower, and until he finally laid down beside you.
For the first time in months, Kim Taehyung holds you close in his arms, and while it sears your heart even more, you let him—snuggle closer to savor what you know may be the last of your moments with him. Later, while he sleeps, you find yourself brushing away the faint crease between his brows, a sad smile on your lips.
You don't know who had started to occupy his heart, but, while you're boiling in a mix of emotions having to face the end of this, you hope deep down that they'll do well to love him back.
"I love you, you idiot," you want to tell the sleeping boy, "but I wouldn't want you stuck with me like this."
You should've seen this coming.
Taehyung had always been the romantic that'd be stubborn about something like this until he's all bottled up, drained, and ready to explode. Just because the two of you had started like a fairytale did not mean you would end up like one.
JEON JUNGKOOK
At kita naman sa 'yong mga mata
And I see it in your eyes
Kung bakit pinili mo siya
Why you chose them
"Look at this, (Y/N)!"
As he shows you something on his phone, Jeon Jungkook stands beside you with a brilliant smile so full of love and adoration it hurts. Perhaps, it was because you knew very well that it would never be for you.
The screen of his phone played him and the love of his life sky-diving in their recent trip, the two of them making competitive turns to see who gets the most flips while descending the drop. Their laughter echoes and rings through your ears.
It's not fair.
Somewhere, something inside you cries out—the ugly beast called envy you've been coexisting with for the past three years making itself known. Indeed, it wasn't fair.
They don't know him as well as you do.
Unlike you, who grew up with Jungkook and spent weekends playing together at each other's house.
Unlike you, who encouraged his antics and got into trouble with him because of his shenanigans.
Unlike you, who knew a lot of his deepest secrets and seen him in nearly every breakdown.
Yet, unlike you, they’re the one who managed to win his heart.
Every now and then, you find yourself picking her apart, mind swirling in the many ways that made you different from one another, and wondering what part of your love for him wasn't enough to make him yours. It hurts to say it, but you can only acknowledge your defeat. They’re beautiful inside and out, does no harm but takes no shit, and easily commands the attention of everyone in the room. Someone perfect for Jeon Jungkook himself.
With presence alone, his eyes twinkle like the night sky in an absence of light pollution. He giggles���giggles—at any notion of hers he finds utterly adorable, and you hear that giggle more often than you could ever want to hear.
You'd probably fall in love with them too if you weren't so in love with their boyfriend.
Yet, to love someone is to make them happy, and happiness with them was never the same with you. What kind of lover are you if you don't want this shining version of Jeon Jungkook in this world?
You find it in you to smile—for him and the happiness radiating in his life—and feign awe at the adventures they had together. “That looks awesome! How’d you guys manage that?” you say, prompting him to tell you more of the fun he had and watch him light up for the umpteenth time.
𝓽𝓪𝓰𝓵𝓲𝓼𝓽 : @mwitsmejk @dreamamubarak
#bts au#bts writing#bts scenarios#bts song fic#bts headcannons#bts reactions#bts angst#kim namjoon x reader#kim seokjin x reader#min yoongi x reader#jung hoseok x reader#park jimin x reader#kim taehyung x reader#jeon jungkook x reader#kim namjoon angst#kim seokjin angst#min yoongi angst#jung hoseok angst#park jimin angst#kim taehyung angst#jeon jungkook angst
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