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ztarduzted · 1 month

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So like the Illymation drama????

vile take I support illy like fully I don’t get the people who don’t rn

So like ok ok don’t get me wrong, illy isn’t like perfect 100% by any means but who is??? That one carrot and chocolate thing she said in her video could have been worded better but cmon, it’s really not that big of a deal, for the most part you out understand what she was saying. The video that TBYS posted wasn’t “criticism” the way that people are trying to say it was. People are trying to play it off as just a normal constructive criticism video, but if your “constructive criticism” includes like two whole minutes of making fun of someone’s appearance for no reason, I’m concerned. Illy’s response was a bit immature, but I understand where she’s coming from. She said not to send hate and to just take down that one video, not his whole platform, because it was damaging her reputation and mental health because TBYS never even tried to make a statement telling people not to harass illy and she got sent hate for it. People are blowing it way out of proportion saying she was trying to “deplatform him” when she just wanted one video taken down because it was causing her to be deplatformed, and she never even talked about it to her actual YouTube audience, just the small community on tumblr, then TBYS made two more hate filled videos and people just kept dog piling on her. If your gonna get mad at someone for “deplatforming” a known homophobe and transphobe, maybe practice what you preach. And alongside that, I know that some sources were shown in TBYS’s original videos, but there were no links in the descriptions, and absolutely nothing in any of the response videos I’ve seen. There was one video I saw just speculating that all of her doctors were dumb and lied to her, and TBYS also said that most doctors that specialize and make money from being good at nutrition were just wrong. Also, that one response video I mentioned tried to claim gym bros were better at health than licensed professionals???????? It just feels like this is all a massive, overblown hate campaign to a creator because of mistakes. There’s a difference between constructive criticism and just making fun of someone, and while some things that TBYS said were understandable, he made a point to straight up make fun of illy in the middle of his video, not even attempt to stop his fans from harassing illy, then when she replied (and barley received any backlash mind you), he blew up making more videos sending more and more hate and trying to ruin illy’s career. I know illy could have clarified that one point in her video and acted more maturely about the situation, but people are entirely overlooking the fact that TBYS was no where near “perfect” in this situation. (Also, final note, yes, you can absolutely be fat and healthy, saying otherwise is just wrong and makes no sense. Do your research before making half hour long videos making fun of someone)

I assume this drama will just die eventually and people will move on, but either way, I’m going to continue watching and supporting Illy no matter what. She’s a fantastic content creator, and when that video first came out (and there wasn’t some dude bro on the internet telling me it was bad) I absolutely loved at and had a great time watching it. It made me feel really good about myself (since I’ve been exercising daily and been working on myself a lot, but I’ve seen little to no weight loss despite eating healthy and going on a calorie deficit and working hard. It turns out I have something up with my thyroid, and along with that, part of it is just genetics.) I’d started feeling really bad and was trying to eat the bare minimum and it was making it harder to work out and I was feeling sick all the time. One day I was staying home because I felt sick, and I watched illy’s video. It’s not like one video is going to fix my relationship with food, but it has helped. I’m still not losing weight, but I’m getting stronger, feeling better, and eating healthier. Despite all this drama, illy’s videos have helped me feel more comfortable being myself and I will continue supporting her. And Illy, if you’re (somehow) seeing this, just know that there are some people that want to see you fail, but there are so so many more people that love you and your content.

#illymation #drama #youtube drama #rant #tw fatphobia

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pastryland · 8 months

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f1 completed fic recommendations

F1 fics are the main reason I got into this fandom and I figured I should share some (or so so many) fics that I like. While I do primarily follow Lando/Oscar and Charles/Carlos, I do read fics from other ships especially if they're from an author I like or the concept is interesting.

I have way too many fics (100+ though not all are completed) bookmarked so I'll just share my absolute favorites on this post and link posts of individual ships on their own posts. Also, I will continually keep updating this post and the other ones as fics complete and I read more.

If any of the authors of the fics mentioned here or are tagged and don't want their fics to be here, please let me know and I'll remove it!

❤️ = favorite

⭐️ = I love fics by this author in general

❌ = triggering themes

🔥 = explicit

Absolute Favorite Fics:

the trials of 2022 - 33k - Charles Leclerc/Carlos Sainz Jr - ❤️ ⭐️ 🔥

A partial summary of the 2022 season, as told by Charles or Carlos, following each race.

This would be my all-time favorite F1 fic if I had to choose, only rivaled by its currently unfinished sequel and the second fic here. Charles's and Carlos's relationship in this fic is so organic and realistic and the chemistry is incredibly tangible. The angst, tension, the emotion in this fic is delectable, beautiful writing by @/f1-stuff. Even if you aren't into this ship, I implore you to try this fic out.

the end of the strain - 19k - Lewis Hamilton/Nico Rosberg, Lewis Hamilton/Sebastian Vettel - ❤️

They didn't end up together in the end, which he had already prepared for in his heart. Lewis, in seven parts.

For the first time ever reading any fic of any fandom, I had to lie on the floor for a couple minutes to process the emotional damage this fic gave me. The characterizations of all the people are on point and the relationships are heartbreaking and devastating in all the right ways. If you want to cry or lie on the floor and contemplate love like I did, this is the fic for you.

Negative Splits - 10k - Lando Norris/Oscar Piastri - ❤️ ⭐️

So officially, Oscar Piastri, pretty good steepler and pretty bad pacer, was now a professional runner. They wanted him to steeple, mostly, though he’d be doing cross country in the fall, and Lando had pinky promised him, mid-distance guy to mid-distance guy, that if he wanted to get into the 3k flat indoor then he would get him in. Oscar didn’t really want to ask how he planned on doing that. Felt safer not to ask.

@/ocontraire is the queen of Sports AU's for the F1 boys (go check out her other fics too! They're also incredible). As an athlete myself, the mentalities of both Lando and Oscar are relatable to me, though I'm also fascinated by the differences in various sports. This fic is certainly on the more lighthearted side (emotionally at least) and I thoroughly enjoy Lando and Oscar's friendship/relationship and its development.

induction, consolidation, maintenance - 6k - Pierre Gasly/Charles Leclerc - ❤️ ❌

In which Charles is sick, Pierre is desperate, and he wishes he didn't have to do what he's doing to pay for Charles to have a chance.

Piarles is certainly not a ship that I read often, but this fic caught my eye and I'm certainly glad that I read it. Pierre's and Charles's relationship is quite cute, though I mainly love Pierre's desperation to save Charles no matter what. He is willing to do anything, the world could burn for all he cares, to make sure Charles is healthy again and it got me heavily in the feels.

glitch - 26k - Max Verstappen/Charles Leclerc - ❤️ ⭐️

Max hums. “Well, at least that means I won’t bump into Charles Leclerc again.” “Bummer, really,” Daniel says, moving back to his own seat and drinking the little bit of coffee that was still in the cup. “Could’ve been the start of a great love story.” Lando snorts. “Kids, it all started when I told your father, who had won two World Driver Championships at that point, that he sucked at driving.” Max sticks his middle finger up at them, and pulls his noise canceling headphones back over his ears. Only two hours left to go, he thinks, wistfully, and goes back to work.

I mainly read @/nyoomfruits's fics because of Landoscar, though this Lestappen fic took me completely by surprise. I adore the romcom vibes of this whole fic and Daniel and Lando are so hilarious and chaotic. Max's personality fits so well in this fic as an unbothered IT guy, but completely loses his composure when he meets Charles, his favorite F1 driver.

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nightgoodomens · 3 months

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Okay strange anon but the sheens and Tennants have been dropping sooo many hints lately it’s genuinley getting to the point where I feel like they don’t really care if anyone knows. Idk if that makes sense but I feel like they’re either building up to actually coming out as some form of poly or something (which still feels unlikely) BUT if they are actually poly that’s four famous adults and about 100 blonde children to all keep something a secret that they aren’t really trying to keep a secret so it’s almost like back for if/when someone does slip up and the polycule tm (however that looks) gets leaked.

I mean Michael and David have been so very obvious from the very beginning but I honestly thought they will never confirm anything.

Look what’s happening at the moment at the mere suggestions - people are being called sick and twisted and not normal just for saying that these two are in love. Fucking hell. People are even finding all the excuses for them being neighbours, they can’t even cope with that.

So I thought no way these two will want to deal with this shit.

But… fuck, something seems to be going on.

Here is my take on when I think things shifted, this is of course a very personal guess, so obviously I might be wrong about this.

So before I get to that certain day - at the time I was only watching things unfold and not commenting on the blog about it apart from dropping a little hint here and there, sorry lovely people who sent me asks then and I didn’t respond, but fuck it, I’m going to talk about it now…

Remember that day GT posted that unfortunate picture of her child and said she was a drunk accident? She bragged about sex.

Remember how Michael went a little insane on Twitter about David then?

Because I remember seeing that and it kind of hit me and I remember thinking… fuck, Michael is jealous. And Michael is no longer happy with being a complete secret.

If I remember correctly, after causing uproar on Twitter that day, he went dead quiet - apart from just showing up quickly the exact moment David was on stage presenting in New York and then he disappeared again.

And things have changed since then.

This is when we started having David talking about Michael, his outfits becoming more obvious, and his behaviour, GT going very hard on queer promo highlighting everything queer he wore, now the outfits being a clear response to Michael’s “Thin Dark Duke”, etc.

December.

Suddenly a private picture of DT and MS.

Suddenly a perfect picture of Michael and David sharing the most special look after Macbeth, like there’s nobody else in the room.

I expected damage control. Surprisingly no.

Instead we got Lapland. One big happy family. In their matching sweaters. And when the general idea was for a photoshoot of Family/Couple/Celeb-on-their-own - we got family and a couple… of Michael and David.

That was a lot within just a few weeks.

And that was PR, official photos. But not the damage control that I expected, instead another nod to the family thing.

Then Georgia starts promoting Anna’s paid for photoshoot and they’re playing wives which is horribly lame to look at because there’s such a lack of real sympathy between them that it only highlights to me how real MS/DT are. But! It does work to show the whole family thing, doesn’t it? It does push the whole we are one big family and nobody is a victim here.

(Also I think they hope she gets a job and goes, considering how miserable Michael looks by her side)

And now we are here. GT dropping on us that they’re neighbours. It’s only beginning of February.

And I see people doing mental gymnastics regarding whether it’s rented or bought and whether door by door… it literally doesn’t matter. At the end of the day the point is the effort to live close to each other.

My opinion though - there’s bigger probability that Michael and David discussed Michael getting something in London and David letting Michael know as soon as a house became available on his street - rather than a house miraculously becoming available to rent by David just when Michael needed it for NYE. Unless David owns another house and rented it to Michael. But - the specifics don’t really matter.

Curious now then… GT just dropped this before Michael’s Graham Norton show and David having something that day too I think?

So… we are either getting damage control next or we are continuing feeding the rumours.

At the moment to me it looks like they want people to realise that there indeed is something going on. Either so if something slips then they go “well… we never hid anything” or there will be some sort of confirmation.

But when I think about confirmation… There’s already been love declarations. What else is there to say?

#NightGoodOmens answers

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legendofzoodles · 1 year

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How the Chain solves dungeon puzzles

Time has been doing this since before his first puberty so he’s got it down to a science. With decades of experience he’d probably rely on that heavily when approaching any dungeon puzzle, and automatically pay attention to certain things like the design, who might have created it and the items he finds there to give him a leg up when it’s time to use ye olde noggin. That being said, since he has been doing this since he was a child I feel like he’d 100% rage if things got too difficult.

What? You think he survived the Water Temple because of patience and controlling his emotions? Goddess no, he was mentally 9 when he painstakingly got through it and it broke him. He now has a deep seeded hatred for all water based puzzles.

Warriors on the other hand, has spent a lot of time managing armies and little to no time in a room devoid of sunlight- unless it was shutting himself away in his office to crunch some overdue paperwork. Don’t get me wrong he’d crush any sort of puzzle where the solution is simply beating up a room full of monsters or the dungeon boss, but traditional puzzle he might struggle with. A lot of Zelda puzzles require an ‘out of the box’ kind of thinking that probably doesn’t come naturally to the ‘by the books’ Captain.

Since back in the day Twilight had Oocca and her son to teleport him out of the temple when he got tired, low on supplies or bored so if he can help it he won’t stick around longer than he needs to. That said he’d still really enjoy his time there, silently taking in the atmosphere and ambience of the dungeon.

Also, according to the 2000s Zelda fandom TP’s dungeon puzzles were the most difficult of the series. I’d wager that Midna, rather than helping out (outside of her being a companion type character), would’ve either cryptically teased the answer if she figured it out before him to poke fun or simply not have taken an interest and just nagged at him to hurry up. Meaning he solved them mostly on his own and therefore got really good at it.

Sky definitely used to chat with Fi as he solved puzzles back in his adventure, sharing thoughts, getting hints and occasionally voicing frustration. Because of this, he would definitely collaborate with whoever’s exploring with him and if he’s on his own then he’ll just talk to himself. Helps him think.

He’s the type to overthink every problem presented to him, to the point where he’d often invent a very convoluted solution when an obvious one was staring him in the face ignored. And unless there’s someone there to point it out he’ll never notice.

Like Time, Legend’s got a lot of experience dungeon crawling, I’d argue more since judging by Time’s armour he hasn’t been travelling a whole lot recently, so he’d also be relying on that experience. When he was younger, dungeon puzzles were a blast to figure out but now they’ve all just kind of bled together. There’s nothing he hasn’t really seen before in some shape or form, no tricks for the deity’s to pull that will surprise him.

He’d just breeze through each puzzle or trap like: “Lame,” or “Seen it,” or “Hey...the spider’s new,” yawning as he went. I feel though if he were paired up with Warriors (he could act nonchalant while Warriors is jumpy at everything) who’s new to all this or Hyrule how’s only ever seen really simplistic dungeon puzzles it could spark that joy he once had.

Wild would unashamedly break the system. Either accidently while finding creative way to cheat or to intentionally carve out his own shortcut. Not so much out of frustration, he could absolutely solve it they way the designers intended if he wanted to, trouble is he rarely has any interest in doing that. He used to ruin the carefully constructed puzzles (most of) the Sheikah monks crafted specifically to test him- right in their faces!- and they rewarded him regardless of the damage he caused. He’s been spoiled. I can imagine him blasting a way out only to turn around, go back in and intentionally destroy the rest of the puzzles for the sake of completion and loot.

Members like Wind, Hyrule and Time on a bad day would 100% support this method, the others would be horrified, with Legend somewhere in the middle.

Four is a very methodical sort of problem solver, not one to let his past experience cloud his judgment and restrict him to assumptions rather than trying out something new. As a blacksmith who’s probably gotten to learn about how other cultures craft their weapons he probably has a deep appreciation for the dungeons design and would be the first to point out what certain quirks of the building mean and what tribe left their mark there. Whenever he may feel agitated for not understanding a puzzle all he needs to do is walk around and look at some historic architecture to keep Blue at bay.

For this reason he may be one of the slower ones to complete a puzzle, but at least the walls swirling patterns may give him inspiration for a cool new sword handle. Not everyone would be able to relate to his eye for detail though.

Four: The paving looks amazing with all these unique carvings, don’t you think?

Hyrule: [grazing a hand over the stone] Ah yes, the floor is made out of floor.

Similar to Warriors Hyrule hasn’t really seen any complex dungeon puzzles, but unlike him he has a more creative ‘out of the box’ way of thinking, which would give him an edge. He’d probably get easily distracted though, lured away from the puzzle by a hidden passage or another route he hadn’t checked out, yet would somehow end up discovering every nook and cranny in the entire dungeon has to offer without much trouble.

Wind is not really a fan of them. Unless it’s for a specific purpose like rescuing someone or to beat up a monster he’ll actively avoid them. But if he had to he’d try to get through it as quickly as possible by literally just trying whatever first pops in his head. He’d rush past and ignore any sort of hints the designers might have given him and try to brute force his way though. When it eventually works he’ll immediately forget the solution though, so don’t bother asking how he got out just be glad he did, like Grandma would.

He’s not the type to ‘stop and smell the roses’ like Four, or just enjoy the atmosphere like Twilight, but he’s too polite (thanks to Grandma) to go around destroying ancient masonry like Wild.

Who do you think would make up the best teams (2- 4 people) if the chain were split up in a dungeon?

I’m thinking Sky, Four and Hyrule because they’d go at a slow pace chatting the whole time, with Four teaching the other two about who built the dungeon and Hyrule encouraging them to explore every room. Or maybe Legend, Warriors and Wind, with the latter two trying really hard and Legend supervising and making fun of them. Leaving Time, Twilight and Wild, where Twilight would struggle to keep Wild from blowing them up and Time being seconds away from joining him.

~~~

Thanks for reading!

Masterlist

Other headcanons:

Parkour team

Honorary Gorons

How each member of the chain laughs

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pikahlua · 7 months

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I hope I'm not pestering you at this point, but when exactly do you think he changed his idea of what being the number 1 meant to the extent that he no longer cared about the actually title? Because I got the impression that he'd accepted his weakness when compared to Midoriya under the condition that he would surpass him in the future, based on what he said during the War when trying to keep up with Deku. I kind of thought his visceral reaction to failing to truly damage Shigaraki, and him embracing the damage his awakening was doing to himself to kind of imitate Deku and the power he achieved with his self-sacrificial mindset, kinda supported that. How off am I?

Sorry if I'm making you repeat things you've said.

Oh, you're not off at all. Forgive me, I did not originally understand your meaning in the first question:

Do you think there's going to be a moment where Bakugou comes to terms with the fact that he might never be the number 1 the way he wanted? I can see the story is going on a "save to win" route, but I've been curious about how him realizing his most powerful attacked only grazed Shigaraki will play out.

I thought by not being "the number 1 the way he wanted," you meant his original idea of it from the beginning of the series--the "win no matter what" mentality without a thought for saving anybody. I see now you meant something different.

It sounds like you were asking if Katsuki will ever face the possibility that he may never surpass Izuku or be able to reach Izuku's level when it comes to firepower, that Katsuki may be in Endeavor's situation (not with Endeavor's mindset though) where he constantly sees how wide the gap between them is and must reconcile with that, that Katsuki may have to settle on a "number one" where he surpasses Izuku not with his own strength but only with help from others (i.e. teamwork).

To which I must say, uh, western fans, we gotta talk.

Anon, you may not be guilty of harboring the idea I'm about to challenge, but I see this one particular sentiment all over the place in the English-speaking fandom, and I really need to make something clear to everyone:

Horikoshi has never stated there is an upper limit on any character's power growth potential--NOT EVEN IZUKU'S.

Don't get confused by the "100% One For All" thing. That's a measure of how much of One For All Izuku is USING. It's meant to compare with how much power All Might could use at 100%--but Izuku's real 100% will be different. One For All didn't just get more powerful by being passed on. Each user before Izuku, including notably Shinomori, cultivated and improved the power. Izuku will do so too. His current 100% is not his end-all-be-all 100% over the course of his life. Izuku can train and work hard and grow and make One For All stronger, too.

And Izuku isn't the only one who can do this. Anyone, Katuski included, can improve their quirk. They don't have some set 100% limit they can't increase with enough effort.

To which you might say: okay, but realistically, there is SOME upper limit to that, right?

But actually...no. This is manga/anime, not real life. And shounen manga is particularly notorious for its focus on effort and improvement through hard work. This is a time-honored tradition of the genre dating all the way back to Son Goku of Dragonball (and probably even further back too). The upper limits of Goku's power growth become so absolutely ludicrous as his series carries on and needs him to grow stronger--SO HE JUST GETS STRONGER. That's like the EPITOME of what he is: someone who wants to get stronger so he works to get stronger and, lo and behold, he gets stronger!

And lest we forget, Horikoshi has named Goku as one of his ideals of a "hero," as one of the characters from whom All Might (and by extension Katsuki) takes inspiration.

You know how each generation of quirks has greater potential than the last? This is a direct parallel of One For All's evolution. It showcases that ALL quirks have the ability to evolve into something powerful just like One For All did; it's just a matter of what the quirk user does with it. And each generation can cultivate their quirk and pass it along to get even stronger too. If you want to be a real stickler about how maybe only CERTAIN generations of quirks could surpass One For All, sure, fine, whatever (actually not fine but I'll deal with this later*). We don't know which generation of quirk users Katsuki falls into, and there's a real chance he doesn't know either. But he was born in the same generation as Izuku, so there's no reason his quirk can't be of a ninth generation too. So, he has every reason to believe he could become just as strong as Izuku. He always believed he could surpass All Might, after all.

*Okay let's deal with this little nugget now. Does the ordinal generation of Katsuki's quirk really matter? Not really. Izuku's power was cultivated by many as a theme, but he acknowledges his is a strength made from others'. That doesn't make One For All inherently the best quirk ever, just that it was able to become so strong BECAUSE of others. If the others had done nothing with it, it wouldn't have become so powerful. MHA acknowledges there are other important and good ways of improving one's power: through hard work and effort. It's not that one form of cultivation is absolutely better than the other, just that they both have their uses--and that BOTH TOGETHER would be the best route to improve one's power. This ties into how Japan traditionally views talent and intelligence as products of hard work and improvement in contrast to how the west traditionally views these things as inherent and set at birth. If you're unaware, the Japanese word for "quirk," kosei, translates to "individuality/personality." Individuality/personality is also one of those traits a person has that can be seen as inherent or cultivated--but really it's a product of BOTH. The question of nature versus nurture, as always, is answered with "well actually, both nature and nurture play a part."

(If you want to go off on a tangent with this, go read whatever is the latest version of @siflshonen's Katsuki Bakugou powerpoint presentation on their blog at the time you are reading this.)

Now, I told you all that to tell you this:

Katsuki should never have to face the idea that he will never be able to be number 1 because it's simply not true.

Katsuki has every potential to surpass Izuku. If Izuku were to be satisfied with his quirk's growth and call it quits, Katsuki's quirk's growth would eventually outshine his GUARANTEED. It's because Katsuki is that kind of character, and this is demonstrated in spades throughout the entire manga. Gosh, remember when Izuku said he was only using 8% of OFA in Deku vs Kacchan, Part 2? Remember how the fandom assumed he would dwarf everyone else in comparison as he progressed further down the line?

And remember how Katsuki "grit his teeth to keep from falling behind"?

Everyone's always going on about how Izuku's power will someday eclipse everyone else's, but he's had that monstrous OFA power with him all along since he got it. He just has to improve his BODY to match OFA's power. Has no one really put any thought to how absolutely BATSHIT it is that Katsuki kept up with him? After Katsuki's growth had stalled for so long?

Remember, Izuku's raw power surpassed Katsuki's in DvK2. So by the time of the Paranormal Liberation War, Katsuki developed his quirk to match OFA at 30% in the same amount of time it took Izuku just to develop his body to handle that much OFA. If we're gonna get into the western versions of power-scaling where we care about natural limits...

THE HEIGHTS OF KATSUKI'S "NATURAL" LIMITS ARE EMPIRICALLY ASTRONOMICALLY INSANE.

So, I come back to something you said:

I kind of thought his visceral reaction to failing to truly damage Shigaraki, and him embracing the damage his awakening was doing to himself to kind of imitate Deku and the power he achieved with his self-sacrificial mindset, kinda supported that.

...and to something I said:

But if you mean he'll reconcile with how his firepower compares to TomurAFO's, I'd say, uh, keep an eye out, because already he's had a quirk upgrade since he tried his Howitzer Cluster on TomurAFO. It's very likely that is no longer the upper limit of his capabilities. And that's just assuming he hasn't achieved any other power ups yet/won't get another one soon.

Katsuki's Howitzer Impact Cluster vs TomurAFO was a single snapshot in time. Katsuki has already had a quirk upgrade since then, and as you so aptly pointed out, he's had a sort of philosophical/meta upgrade too as he emulated Izuku. I doubt these will be the last improvements he experiences in his life. He was always held back from surpassing Izuku by the story because he was missing such a huge part of being a hero: saving people. But that's been resolved now. He and Izuku will be rivals who challenge each other to be better for the rest of their lives, and I doubt either one of them will ever truly pull away from the other in terms of raw potential (at least not for long). Katsuki may have instances of self-doubt, of course. He even may at some point acknowledge Izuku as his superior. But I don't think that's a reason for him to ever lose hope or give up. I think there's plenty of reason for anyone to believe it's possible for him to surpass Izuku someday. After all, All Might was considered the best hero of his age not because of his strength but because of his spirit.

And Katsuki's sure got a shitton of spirit.

#anon ask #ask pika #my hero academia manga spoilers #final showdown spoilers #katsuki bakugou #meta #pika's objectively correct power-scaling opinions

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the-matron-of-ravens · 8 months

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Genuinely curious, what are your thoughts on Dancer and FCG cuz like, he Literally, not figuratively, tried to kill her and did kill all of her companions at the time. I can see being critical cuz she doesn't seem to treat them like sentient beings, but even in the canon... most of the automatons aren't. Just some of the really old ones from Aeor/other old cities, right? So? She got a whoops!sentient microwave, treated them like a microwave, they killed all her friends and almost her and she's supposed to....? Be good buds with them? Also I know it's said that she trauma dumped on FCG, but let's switch it from microwave to personal journal - how would YOU feel if your personal journal popped to life and attacked you for trauma dumping? IDK haha I guess Idk you opinions and I'm just responding to my projected assumptions of your opinion. REALLY I'd 100% sincerely would like to hear your thoughts. I was really bothered by FCG pushing to meet with Dancer. Like jeez just leave her alone, you're her literal sleep paralysis demon, read the room.

Hey! Thanks for the ask, I put this a little bit in the tags but I can elaborate more here. (Edit: elaborate A LOT MORE it seems)

So here goes, I don’t know if you meant it this way but the analogy of a journal or microwave is helpful here because that’s exactly how Dancer treated FCG - as a tool to be used. But they *aren’t*. FCG is a whole being with emotions and thoughts all of which are apparent and so clearly distinct from other automatons.

So tbh, I think the perspective of “whoops! Sentient bot” makes sense for like a month, max. Not years. After all, we have seen NPC after NPC recognize FCG is a sentient being almost immediately after meeting him. I find it VERY hard to believe that Dancer never realized it herself.

Additionally, we need to step out of the plot itself and look at FCG’s mechanics. We know that every time he heals, takes damage for someone else, etc. he takes stress points, and that once past a certain threshold his switch flips and he goes full Murderbot.

We also know that rest and recovery are what reduces FCG’s stress points. So that tells us that Dancer was using and using and using FCG and not letting him rest (enough? At all?) even though he needed it. Because again he’s a person not a tool.

Even when they met back up recently and FCG sobered her up she remarked how she missed him doing that for her. And while I don’t expect her to miss him, I do think it’s indicative of her interest in him never being about him as a person but only how he could serve her.

And if we want to criticize FCG for his lack of boundaries, inability to take no for an answer and pathological need to fix Dancer sure that’s fair. He needs to unlearn a lot of that and quick. But we then have to ask ourselves where did those traits come from? They didn’t come from nowhere.

FCG is mentally extremely YOUNG. Aside from the 6?-ish Months spent with Ashton all he remembers is his time with Dancer. So, if FCG has a pathological need to fix others, to help them, and feels worthless if he’s unable to do so - that comes from how Dancer treated and trained him.

That doesn’t just go away; ESPECIALLY not when FCG doesn’t even remember going postal and doesn’t see to have the (IMO) most clear and realistic view of his and Dancer’s relationship.

After all look how he interacts with the Changebringer. She’s his surrogate Mom/Dancer. He needs someone to tell him how to feel, think, and what’s Good and Bad because he doesn’t know how to do it for himself - because he wasn’t *taught* to.

But here’s my real question. What do we call one person keeping another person in service to them, with no compensation or personhood to be had, and with no intentions of releasing that person from that service? That’s slavery my dude. AT BEST indentured servitude.

(but that implies there’s a debt. What debt? Waking him up? He didn’t ask for that; that was her choice.

And again this sounds a lot like children being “indebted” to parents for giving them life, housing, feeding, etc. )

That’s the part I can’t get over. And that’s the part I can’t get behind where FCG is the abusive one. The power differential was NEVER in FCG’s court; he never once thought of himself as a person or as anything but in service of “Soul Touched”. That complete sacrifice of yourself and your needs (or an inability to even know you HAVE needs) comes from being in relationships where those things are expected/demanded.

So, yeah, he literally tried to kill her, and I gotta be real I’m not surprised. Even children of abusive parents who they love snap sometimes. Because again, that’s mentally what he was at the time. A child.

But even then, no I don’t think it’s unreasonable or unrealistic for Dancer to be traumatized or not want to see FCG again. I don’t even think she’s wrong to say “I can’t give you closure” because closure isn’t something other people give you.

But the way she’s been discussed to be largely clueless about his sentience, blameless in his blow up, and FCG’s victim? I just can’t get behind that. Like at all.

#Critical Role #CR Spoilers #FCG #Dancer #TW: slavery mention #of the fantasy variety #tw: parental abuse #I don’t think this is discourse (moreso Meta IMO) but if folks feel differently I’ll add a tag #fresh cut grass

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buwheal · 4 months

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what are personally your favorite spamton headcanons?

OOooooh this was the wrong thing to ask me if you hate lots of letters on your screen. Get ready!!!!!! Here's my list :-) Its not organized by least to most btw im just typing everything i like lol :

puppetification theory.. AAUUUGHHH!!!!! this one is so much fun for so many reasons.

he's got a BJD (ball jointed doll) body

He's kinda an asshole

While a good chunk of his glitching is from puppetification, way more of it is from malware he's collected over like 20 years on the streets of cyber city

He absolutely feels and is aware of his glitches but he's so used to them it doesnt really bother him anymore. scratch that, it 100% does bother him that his body is actively defying him. but what can you do? :shrug:

he's like 5'1. I HATE HATE HATE seeing him the size of a toddler both because you can literally see his world sprite is the same height as kris, which is a teenager (His proportions just are unbelievably fucked up because of puppetification) and because thats just kinda weird. Something about making him so so small feels weird to me but im not sure, really. take it with a grain of salt.

He was an Email Addison. You see it everywhere. He was like a mailman or something.

He wasnt like four foot or something throuhghout his whole life, but i do imagine he was only slightly smaller than an Addison, which doesnt sound that bad except when you realize everyone else is normal height except him. Maybe it was a manufacutring bug, or maybe it was intentional for his job.

Addisons are like weird organic robots kinda. Cause everything in cyber city is made of code i imagine they are like basically sentient AI.

They (addisons) physically do not age unless their code is damaged. (Guess who's code is fucked up) They were "born" physically and half-mentally adults, and count their age based on their manufacturing date. I say mentally half because it quickly develops soon after while they do things like advertise. Their personality develops a time after.

HE IS OLD!!!!!!! HE'S AN OLD GUY!! HES GOT LITTLE WRINKLES N SHIT!!! HES GOT A GREY STRIPE!!!!!! Not really because of physical aging but its more of like a glitch tbh lol. Like a chunk glitch in minecraft. Whatever happened as his code got progressively more beat up caused a patch of his hair to register incorrectly and show up slightly wrong.

His hair is natrually white. He dyed it in his big shot era ofc, but it faded out. He keeps it colored currently with car oil and shit. Whatever he can find that will color it. It will and does wash out partially when he's drenched in the rain.

He completely refuses to acknowledge his physical changes. Glimpses he sees he ignores or passes it off as he's seeing things.

He prayed to the Neo robot because he saw the beginning of puppetification. He was praying for forgiveness or another chance. He believed it was a divine punishment because he had no other explination. He doesnt believe he changed much more than the very very early stages, and he thinks he's forgiven in his delusion. Which is why he wants the robot so bad.

When he gets mad he turns kinda red and steam comes out the side of his head in short bursts, train whistle sound effects and all. looney tunes type junk.

He has lips... but they're stretched so far because of his huge fucking brick ass teeth that it doesnt really matter at that point.

He's got a scraggly ass mullet.

he has little bitty dot eyes. Every other addison does too but they keep them closed for visual appeal. Theyre robots and shit they dont really need them to get around, even though they help a lot.

Thats about all i can think of rn!!!! ^_^ hope you enjoy that brick of text lol.

#[you've got mail!]

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onelinemanytimes · 1 year

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Possession, PSAs, and his Shades

We’ve gone over a lot already, but man. I just keep on looking at everything happening and thinking about it nonstop. There’s so much to talk about where Fresh is involved and while analyzing the character directly in the context of underverse is absolutely still on the table, I can think of more things to talk about.

So I’m going to do that! This post’ll be about a bit more of a variety of things, especially in regards to stuff I personally enjoyed massively. Let’s go!!

The Possession

This part may be a bit scrambled and I apologize in advance, and I also warn that trying to find information on THIS in particular is fairly difficult. There are some things that are a fact, for sure;

Fresh is the parasite who’s possessing the body (that purple thing up there? That’s Fresh), and consumes the Host’s SOUL while in their body for sustenance. The Host does not have control while being possessed.

…And that is all the facts I’m 100% sure on. The rest? From what I could find briefly searching the records I know of, much harder to confirm. For Underverse, it’s safe to assume “The Host is Conscious while possessed” is true, given Ink responds to Fresh’s PSA after being freed from his control, and it’s been heavily implied that being possessed hurts a LOT given, yknow, having your soul slowly eaten away by a parasite cannot possibly be pleasant.

I will note that it probably hurt less for Ink because Ink doesn’t have a soul. BUT WAIT, if Fresh needs a soul to possess someone, and Ink doesn’t have one, how does the possession work?? I’m glad but also surprised you asked because Fresh explains it himself to Ink!

Fresh may not need the vials himself, but Ink absolutely runs off them. At the very least Ink’s emotions run off them, and for most other monsters having a SOUL is connected to having emotions (or at least, NOT having a soul is explicitly connected to NOT having emotions). That makes the vials a suitable substitute for the magic Fresh needs to consume from a host to live, at least for Underverse!

This would also explain why Fresh’ possession lasted no longer than a few minutes before running out completely- the material in those vials does NOT last long, not even for Ink! Ink has to refill them and drink them regularly, and Ink’s body is probably better at processing them. Fresh, meanwhile, is insatiable, constantly drawing on the magic for his own survival without regard to the host’s well being, and that would drain the effects of the vials even FASTER than their already short time frame.

I also want to talk about physically how Fresh possessed Ink. Nothing weird, but details about the battle that absolutely delight me.

Magically we know at this point Fresh had to trick Ink into drinking the vials so the possession would function. But PHYSICALLY, Fresh ALSO needed to get Ink into a position where he would be susceptible to possession!

A LOT of legwork was done for him beforehand. Error had done some damage to Ink already, wearing him down magically and physically for a bit before being interrupted, and that’s not even looking at the fact that Ink was already a bit roughed up before Error got to him.

Fresh forced Ink to drink the Unlimited Vial as well, which while he didn’t know it would do this, helped to wear Ink down further. Forcing Ink to feel something overwhelmingly oppressive that Ink could only think to describe as “Pain” in the moment. This may not have physically negatively affected Ink, but it did have a mental effect, and that matters just as much in this case.

Then, before Ink had any time to really recover, Fresh forced him to chase him- something that pushed Ink to start using magic and of course having to physically follow after Fresh. And this chase is FAST, based on how much the wind is whipping at their clothes in the animation, Fresh is making Ink WORK for those vials.

Ink is physically exhausted, as emotionally exhausted as he’s capable of being, and mentally exhausted as well (potentially also why he’s so quick to make foolish predictable decisions around FRESH, someone he’s obviously familiar with to SOME degree). After everything he’s been put through he’s tired, and in perfect condition for Fresh.

Physically, Fresh gets VERY close to Ink, very quickly. He’s in front of Ink before Ink’s realized what’s happening, and he only gets closer as the scene progresses. The view from Ink’s perspective is wonderful, Fresh absolutely looming over him (and the camera) with how much taller he is and how close he’s standing. Fresh also reaches out to Ink himself, nearly close enough to touch Ink.

Obviously, the physical process is Poof’d out in the animation, which I’m not surprised by at all because as has been stated by CQ and others, “It’s pretty gross,” and also probably pretty difficult to animate. We don’t need to see that, we understand what’s going on here and we have a battle flow to keep up because Error is there pretty immediately after. I ADORE how menacing it was the entire time leading up though, THAT is delicious.

And then we get to the actual being possessed part!

In my various analysis posts, I haven’t talked about Fresh!Ink as a separate, 3rd character of some kind whatsoever, and that is VERY intentional. Fresh!Ink is not a character of its own, it’s a state of being, specifically Ink’s status as Actively Possessed. This isn’t a fusion situation where both of their mindsets and thoughts are contributing to their actions, this is exclusively Fresh.

This is something ESSENTIAL to keep in mind. Ink is nothing more than a body in the Fresh!Ink dynamic, Fresh is as in control here as he is in his own typical hosts. Trying to imply that Fresh!Ink is a separate character from Fresh somehow is completely misunderstanding how Fresh!Ink even functions on a baseline level- it’s largely an aesthetic change that, in this case, was only important because Ink needed to be unrecognizable for a while.

PSAs

Fresh loves addressing us directly. It’s a sure-fire way to ensure he’s the center of attention to what REALLY matters, the audience, even if it means being ignored in universe or confusing to other characters.

Nothing exemplifies this better than when he gets into a PSA (short for Public Service Announcement), a part of his 90s facade where characters would stop and address the audience in order to teach a lesson of some kind. Said character often being portrayed as cool and competent, or at least knowledgeable about the topic at hand, and using the situation around them to deliver some kind of moral message with the other characters.

This is good context to have on who Fresh’s dialogue is for and why in the world he would say everything he does. I mentioned this before, but it bears repeating that Fresh is a character that is not only 100% aware of the fourth wall, but is known for interacting with it himself to some degree. Fresh is meant to be funny, so this awareness is played as a joke in most cases, but you better believe there is some intense existential dread deeply baked into his character as a result.

Anyways! Let’s look at the dialogue during the fight and really pull apart what it means.

Fresh: Dude, dese days have been kinda on the wacko side for everyone, huh? I smell unrad vibes just all over da dang place.

Error: You're dead, Ink!!

Fresh: I think ya talkin' to da wrong broski. Our glitchy pal needs a chill pill. Let's learn how ta handle dis here situation. Sometimes when people get angry all dey get is a well-deserved time out. So- tell ya rainbow buddy- whats makin' ya so unhappy?

Error: Quit playing games, you fu[nking mu]stard!!

Fresh: Unrad, Bro! Nobody like it when ya rude! As ya can see, hostility can be challengin' at times. It's a sign dat they're all up in their head, fightin' a much harder battle dan da external. And most people aren't aware of it. Find out what it is dats tormentin' dem. And use dat weakness against dem ta destroy their life. let dem know dat nobody messes with you. ...And dat mah friendos, is how ya come ta realize dat you must care about yaself first and above anyone else!

Error: You're [Fun]king crazy!!! I'm wasting my time with freaks like you! Once I'm done with Ink, you're next, whoever you are!!!

This is the full exchange Fresh has with Error, and what Error and Ink witnessed on their end- with a reminder that Fresh was very rarely actually talking to Error, often facing away from Error while speaking in the battle. It’s also worth noting that in the episode itself, all of this text is in uppercase, I made the decision to put it in lowercase here for the sake of legibility- but it being in uppercase IS important, they’re both being loud here.

This is a message from Fresh about how to handle someone actively attacking you, based on context. He’s sharing what to do in a battle to get out on the other side of it alright, based on what he knows and thinks of course. His delivery here is patronizing and weird, but there IS real substance to this.

His first piece of advice is to force the opponent into “time out,” which he demonstrates is getting the opponent into a state of being less able to attack, via slapping Error out of the air and to the ground. The flow of Error’s attacks are interrupted now that he’s been disrupted like that, and Fresh moves onto the next step!

The time out is, apparently, intended as a way to get them to stop fighting and start talking, as Fresh immediately asks Error directly a question, something he would only need to do to get Error’s side during this little informational encounter. As has been said, he doesn’t care about actually talking to Error here, he’d just keep talking to us at home if he didn’t think it was fitting for his message to chat with Error.

Obviously Error is just furious more than anything, immediately retaliating against Fresh. This is fine, though- Fresh IS trying to give advice on what to do in a battle, and sometimes talking to someone doesn’t work! So of course, you need to be able to keep calm, and follow the next steps of success.

It starts off as a very typical “thinking of the other person” friendliness type thing, noting that someone who’s engaging in a fight with you has something going on in their head making them think choosing that violence is a good or worthwhile idea. That they’re fighting an internal battle that most people wouldn’t even know about.

And hey! Internal battle in your head that no one knows about… just like the internal struggle of his hosts against him, that no one else ever thinks about, right guys? Making a little ominous tangent is something he does for us at home, because he knows there are a lot of people that enjoy that about him- and that it makes him interesting, having things about him that aren’t what you expect and make you want to look closer at him.

And he continues with that darker tone, because his answer to continued conflict is to fight back; specifically, to fight back smarter, not harder than your enemy. Find out what’s wrong with your opponent, what will hurt them the worst possible, what their weakness is- and utterly destroy them with it. End it in one decisive hit, striking at the weakest part of your enemy as hard as possible.

And of course, he demonstrates doing this! Lovely Error is someone he knows pretty well, well enough to exploit Error’s fears in this fight. When Fresh counter-attacks, Error actually runs entirely from that attack. If you watch carefully, you can see error make a portal out of the doodlesphere as the hands reach toward him, and back away into it to avoid being hit.

Which, guess what? Means that Fresh wins! Obviously, if your opponent flees from a battle, you can consider that a win, because they are now no longer fighting you- the goal of all this advice!

His final moral message to the viewers is his own personal standpoint, that you have to care about yourself more than you care about anyone else! Don’t pity the enemy or try to offer kindness when they’re fighting you, tear them apart and show them it was a mistake to try and trap you in a battle. NO one messes with you, or else.

And then the possession is over! With Ink telling Fresh that what he said didn’t make any sense at all, which is probably due to a mix of Fresh’s speech patterns, Fresh’s intended audience being us, and also Ink not having a lot of time to process and consider what Fresh is talking about (unlike us who can spend days looking at the same 5 minutes of animation and tearing it apart piece by piece).

Fresh doesn’t push it, likely because it IS a pretty significant insight into his thought process (not to mention the fact the message wasn’t mainly for Ink anyways). Instead he starts deflecting by pointing out that eating paint doesn’t make any sense either, but Ink still does that, putting Ink in a kind of “gotchya” position where he’d have to explain eating paint before Fresh explains his little message there- which Fresh knows Ink isn’t going to do, at minimum because Core is here and Ink’s only just noticed.

I did word my thoughts as “the message wasn’t mainly for Ink” intentionally though. Fresh had spent the lead up to the fight berating Ink on his thoughtlessness, and on his dramatic lack of planning ahead when faced with a situation in the moment (By comparison to Fresh, at least. I do think Ink is capable of planning ahead to SOME degree given his actions over the course of Underverse absolutely being planned in their own right, but Fresh is berating him for not planning ahead ENOUGH, hence the current state of everything right now and also his dramatic victory.)

I think to Fresh, Ink could also benefit from this message on how to stop having ridiculous fights (with error especially) that waste time and don’t end with a clear enough winner to make the opposing party back off. Ink wastes a TON of resources and gets into a lot of risky situations that could be avoided if he fought more heartlessly AND efficiently, so this advice could help if Ink ever plans to start ignoring his feelings again.

Right now, of course, the advice hardly applies at all. Obviously, Ink is presently emotional, especially after the battle and drinking all the vials (more or less). And, Ink potentially can’t succeed in this situation following Fresh’s advice, it may be more worthwhile to use some level of sympathy and kindness to dissolve the situation, something Ink specifically is in the perfect position to do as a friend of X Gaster.

That’s the delicious crux of this situation though, isn’t it?

Ink is in a very, very unique position as someone who knows a lot about X Gaster. A LOT about X Gaster, more than essentially anyone else in the multiverse that isn’t from XTale directly. There are a few routes Ink can go down in now, helping the “good side” to combat him. As an old friend, he could try to appeal emotionally, trying to work with XGaster for a different resolution to everything having seen that it’s gone too far.

Or… maybe everything Fresh said here just doesn’t make sense YET. Fresh’s message to us and to Ink could be foreshadowing for the future- that the battle is going to be ended because Ink, or someone else extremely close to XGaster, is going to reveal XGaster’s weakness. That with that weakness, they’re not just going to fight XGaster, they’re going to utterly destroy XGaster, so that there is no question whatsoever who won.

That’s just speculation of course… Can’t say for sure if it was foreshadowing when we can’t look to the future yet and see it play out. Cool as heck if it is foreshadowing though, could you imagine. I’d go crazy, again, and probably write like three more posts about how Fresh is a genius and the true hero of underverse and other equally ridiculous claims.

His Shades

The last thing I want to talk about here is short and it’s about Fresh’s shades. This is mostly me just wanting to talk about them because I love them and the attention to detail in these animations is absolutely incredible and worth discussing. BUT HEY I bet people would like to hear about how they work and what they mean for Fresh and yada yada ok cool let’s jump in.

SO Fresh is known for his awesome “YOLO” shades, of course, but they can change to display other text!! This is a cool fact that I’ve never seen so beautifully executed, but has always been enjoyed on my end- but the way Fresh’s shades work is a bit hard to pin down!

I think, to some degree, it’s safe to say Fresh has control over what his shades say. I wouldn’t necessarily say he’s in perfect control over what they say, though, moreso that they respond to him directly. I say this because of how they shift when he’s attacked by Error- during some of the impact frames they change to say “oof!” and react in perfect time with him expressing worry or concern over situations.

It is possible he controls them entirely and is just that good at it, but it’s up for debate, and either way he’s still using his shades to convey his intentions as much as any other form of body language.

You may have noticed that sometimes, however, his Shades don’t show ANY text. Specifically, three or four times that are notable (There are others but they’re during moments when Fresh is very VERY distant or when he’s in heavy motions, where it’s more likely his shades just aren’t big enough to have fit any kinds of letters on for the sake of animating, and I don’t think those count for here).

First, when he’s forcing Ink to drink the vial. Second, when he tells Ink that the both of them are very different and he’s smarter (they stay off until Fresh has possessed ink), Third for a moment before jumping up to hit Error that may just be another case of “animating the words here wasn’t worth it” but that I have trouble believing given other instances there’re words, and then after Error has them pinned to the ground tied up in strings for more or less the rest of the fight.

All of these moments are unique in that they also coincide with moments where Fresh is being MOST genuinely himself, and not lying nearly as much as every other time. Showcasing his lack of any feelings at forcing Ink to drink the unlimited vial, devoid of anything but cold curiosity. Tipping his hand in preparation for possessing Ink, blankly stating that he and Ink are very very different, and that relating them too much to each other is a dangerous mistake to make.

Again, with jumping up to meet Error in the air, it could be a moment of “animation dropping the text,” but to humor if it isn’t, Fresh is ACTIVELY accepting combat in that moment. The break in text is the break in his facade and active focus on us at home, he has to take a moment to actually engage in this battle- but it’s entirely unnecessary to display any text about it in that moment. He’s deciding his next move, calculating and waiting for the perfect time to jump.

It’s easy to assume the fourth instance where he’s tied up, the letters are gone because the visor is visibly broken. That could make sense, perhaps- but soon after it’s shown that no, the visor still absolutely works, and could be displaying a visual.

Not displaying any text here has just as much reason as not displaying any text any other time, and in this case is used for two reasons. It’s used for this moment of being very ominous, for one, giving us this excellent shot intended to be pretty frightening juxtaposed against Fresh’s usual behavior and atmosphere. But yet again it’s also a tell for when Fresh is being “most genuine” in his exchanges!

At this point is where he’s talking about how to defeat someone who won’t stop fighting, by taking advantage of any weakness they show and destroying them completely as a consequence for it. That’s very genuinely something Fresh would and probably did do to people, and he doesn’t need to sugar coat it with fun visuals and lies. After all, we know what he’s like, that he doesn’t care and that at his most truthful, there is nothing he is feeling to convey. He’s empty… Just like his shades are, showing nothing to us because there’s nothing to see.

Instances when his shades do have text still do bleed into his reactions, like I mentioned, and show his current state of being to some degree. Displaying “HAHA” at multiple times within the battle as he’s enjoying himself, showing to say “OK UH” when he’s looking at Ink’s vials to decide which to toss at him, and a ton of other fun little moments! It’s a delight to watch and fills me with joy every time I look at it, absolutely wonderful.

That’s all for this post though! I covered a lot of ground here and said a lot, but that’s kind of why I wanted to talk about this at all! I had a lot of thoughts that could do with being shared, and I hope you all enjoy this one as much as the others!

#fresh #fresh underverse #underverse 0.7 #underverse #ink #error #truefreshinfo #shocking no one I may have more to say even still #I have been watching the fights on loop just thinking non stop #I might take requests #if people have questions it could be fun #I get to talk about fresh more and you get to know more things #I would love to see it #x gaster #xgaster #not sure which is best #fresh!ink #tumblr put my post in the tags challenge impossible

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thewindowsystem · 6 months

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Woooooo psychiatry hot take time!!!

I'm just gonna say it, I'm pro (educated) self diagnosis atleast to a degree, although my reasons don't apply to all places in the world so keep that in mind.

I come from a country with a massive issue with a lack of medical professionals ESPECIALLY in my city, it's not uncommon to find hospitals that are dangerously understaffed, the only hospital in my city of almost one million people has one emergency unit with typically only around 9 people and the wait times for urgent care on the LEAST busy days are 9-10 hours if you're lucky. And for any kind of medical problem physical or mental even if you have money for something like specialised care you will still most likely have to go a two day drive just to find someone who isn't fully booked. People are dying because of this crisis even those on disability insurance and nothing is really being done about it.

I was born sick and have been going through this medical system my entire life, and another issue I have noticed due to that is incredibly wide spread because in my country especially, doctors are basically being taught they shouldn't believe afab people who are looking for help. It is to a point where 1 third of the afab people who have managed to finally get a booking in with a doctor, some travelling for litteral days just for some kind of help have been dismissed or straight up turned away due to sexism. The likely hood of being turned away increases significantly if you are POC.

People often forget that diagnosis isn't an end goal, it's not just a label for the sake of a label, it's a tool. A tool to help you navigate and approach recovery. And yes the ideal situation is to have a good doctor who can help you navigate that process but unfortunately that's not the case for all of us. Through educated self diagnosis (often through years of constant study) as a afab POC I managed to accurately and safely self medicate for pretty much all of my current diagnosed conditions on average 5 years before I managed to get a doctor to even CONSIDER checking. (The only acception to this is ADHD because I was like 7 when I got that diagnosis)

I'm sick of seeing people getting lectured for trying to help their selves in the time being because currently medical care isn't available to them. I hate the idea that you shouldn't even try digging into your mental health problems or even recognise they exist until you get the magical approval of a medical professional because speaking from experience those ideas HELD ME BACK in my recovery because I thought that researching my issues automatically made me a faker and when I did finally get a psychologist and they asked if I already had an idea of what the issue was I refused to give them any of my own extensive work I had done myself that could have sped up my diagnostic process tenfold. Even though the effects of self medicating have been incredibly beneficial to my recovery previously

Obviously you need to approach it safely and carefully, you definitely shouldn't try and speak for or over people who are clinically diagnosed etc but I feel like the idea that self diagnosis is inherently harmful 100% of the time is flawed and although yes you will undeniably get things wrong while trying to self medicate so do the actual medical professionals themselves! It's apart of the process and I do recognise how beneficial having a professional to help you is (and if you have the option to do that you definitely should) but I feel like it's rather damaging to brush off those who don't have access too those recourses and simply insist they just deal with it.

Honestly self diagnosis and self medicating saved my life by not only giving me something to hold on and work on while waiting to get medical care but it is the entire reason why I am clinically diagnosed today

Obviously this isn't a data filled analysis on the effects of self diagnosis this is just my opinion mainly rooted from my own life experience so don't take it as some factual information piece please. I might make a continuation to this if anyone has any questions about my thoughts on the topic.

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happyk44 · 8 months

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Annabeth's ankle still being fucked up after the events of HoO because it never healed right so she just deals with constant aches all the time. Luckily Nico's joints are also shit so he gives her advice. He's not sure if it's because of trauma, stress, an actual medical condition, or if his body has simply remembered that he is over 100 and wants him to act like it

But he gives her advice on medication, how to avoid a flare-up, encourages her to use a cane more often. He jokes that she could hide a dagger in the top and all she'd have to do is pull out the handle and bingo bango, weapon at hand

They do physical therapy together as well - it's usually Nico dragging her away from whatever she's doing and forcing her to sit with him and do her exercises

Obviously he can't reset a bone that's already been healed and even if they rebroke for and him put it exactly where it needs to go, it would only add more stress on the joint. It's not like constant breaks a health thing

Besides the ankle is a bitchy kind of joint. He could sit there and seal her bone himself, feel it knit back together under her skin, healed as though it never broke in the first place. But there'd always been some kind of ache, some kind of pain left behind, even if only minimal

The ankle, he has discovered, is an ass like that and will take everything personally. For that reason, he also bullies her into getting better shoes and comfier insoles. And since strain on her ankle can screw with her knee, he adds that into her (forced) physical therapy exercises. It's a good thing too because the knee also takes everything personally and he would know because his knees suck

She does appreciate what he does for her though. That when her ankle is having a really bad time, he'll press on it with his hand and suddenly the pain allieved in a way she's never been able to achieve with pressure. She takes the pills he got her prescribed. She may complain and try to fight her way back to her desk when he pulls her away but she does the exercises

She did not like the cane suggestion, and refused it. It's not about embarrassment - she's been through too much to feel shame from strangers passing by. But she considers herself with one and grimaces. The pain she has it hurts, it aches, but it doesn't slow her down. It feels mocking to have one when she doesn't require it to survive

Still, when he shows up with a retractable cane that folds in and folds out with ease, she bites the bullet and takes it. He did, after all, go through effort of getting for it. She can't just throw it out. Not yet anyway

(The Annabeth gift policy is "I will keep it for three months on clear display, but if it continues to have no use and I still do not want it, I will sell, regift, donate or throw it away")

Three months goes by and she keeps it with her as promised. Her ankle hurts sharply from time to time but she ignores the pointed reminding thought of the item in her shoulder bag and carries on. Until she's on hour two of trying to find Percy after he wandered off during their slow survey of rhe newest exhibit at a museum. Usually he's at the gift store, trying to find something shiny for Estelle

But this time he's not, and he's not answering his monster proofed phone and she's wandered through the whole museum twice now, and did a brisk walk around the block in case he'd gone outside to get something from the food trucks

Her ankle hurts badly. The downside to slow tours is all the standing. At least walking removes the pressure for just a second

She's cursing Nico as she pulls out the cane. She curses Percy a few times too. She handles it like Nico showed her and breathes easier. It helps. She hadn't noticed the strain on her other leg. She kept so much weight on it to easy the pressure on the damaged one and now it's evened out

Begrudgingly she makes a mental note to send Nico a basket of chocolates or something sweet. She huddles back at the gift. Percy finally answers his phone. The story he gives, in hushed whispers so the cashier doesn't overheat and think they're insane, is plausible, if not irritating, and when she walks out the door to find him swaying from side to side at the bottom of the stairs, she whacks him with the cane

Maybe she'll send Nico two gift baskets of chocolate.

#happy talks pjo #annabeth chase #nico di angelo

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the-crimson · 8 months

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After having time to mull over Dapper’s lore today I’m still just… devastated. I was theorizing this whole grand scheme with the federation but the reality was so much simpler yet so much worse.

Tw mentions of suicide and self harm

Dapper is incredibly depressed and thinks of themself as a tool, as worthless unless they are useful to the island. They don’t find enjoyment in their projects anymore and never finished many of them because they see no point. Dapper is actively committing self harm and is this close to killing themself through the Soul Vultures. They didn’t even seem worried at that possibility in their journal.

A lot of people in these situations take on incredibly dangerous tasks like this as an often subconscious form of suicide. If they die for the greater good then it’s okay. It’s worth it. Because dying trying to be useful is better than living and feeling useless.

Dapper thinks that making this potion easily accessible to the players will make them happy because they will be useful again but it wont and they are starting to realize that as seen towards the end of the journal. Dapper is screaming for help but she can’t reach out herself because she doesn’t want to burden anyone or put her family in danger. This entire project was a coping mechanism for his crippling depression and feelings of worthlessness - and a method of self harm and slow suicide - and now that it seems that they are done with the project… Dapper is gonna hit a cross roads.

Either they are gonna break and spill everything to Bad or they are gonna break and do something even more self destructive that may lead in their death but will 100% worsen their mental health.

Dapper needs serious help and support from his family right now. The birthday party today was massive and I think it’s a big step in the Dapper spilling the beans direction but Bad needs to step in. Not even as a “he’s the parent” but as a human. As a person. If u see someone committing self harm then u need to step in and help however you can before this person does something irreversible. As Dapper’s parent, Bad is the only person who could step in without causing further damage.

And Bad knows what Dapper is going through because Bad feels the exact same way. Like a tool. Like he is a hammer instead of the person wielding the hammer. Their situations are different for sure but they are similar enough that Bad can empathize with Dapper and help pull her out of this spiral the way no one else can.

I don’t even think Dapper will be upset at Bad invading their privacy because everything they’ve done over the last week has been a silent but desperate cry for help. They even said in their journal they want to tell bad they want to share this burden so desperately it’s tearing them apart.

Right now, more than anything, Dapper needs a solid support structure and he got that today with Bad and Pomme. Going forwards, Dapper is going to need them both (and Baghera but she’s kidnapped so, you know)

Hopefully during tomorrow’s stream Bad and Dapper will talk because Dapper is so close to spiraling completely and it’s not their fault. Dapper’s just a kid whose watched all their siblings die and been hunted and murdered themself. They are trapped in a gilded cage with everyone on the island, helplessly waiting for the day everything ends.

They are just a kid

#qsmp #crimson speaks #tw suicide mention #tw self harm #I’m gonna go cry now #I’ve totally not been here before nuhu #totally haven’t driven myself in helping others to the point of self destruction #what u talking about #T-T

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deansemptyribcage · 7 months

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So, I saw a post a while back where someone said Dean and John gatekept Mary's memory from Sam (more or less) and while I agree, Sam was kept out of the grieving, I don't think Dean was intentionally gatekeeping Mary's memory. I think that every aspect of his being centered around Sam. Keeping Sam safe. The memory of Mary was tainted for Dean by John. She sacrificed herself for Sam, which made Sam the most important. Even in his grief, Dean was constantly told that Sam was more important. As he got older, the memories he had of his mom became the only thing he had that didn't center around Sam. So, yeah, when Sam would make comments or ask about Mary, Dean got defensive. His memories with her are the only things that haven't been tainted by John's revenge and obsession with keeping Sam safe. Yes, I do believe 100% that Dean was wrong for treating Sam the way he did when Sam would ask, but I also 100% blame John. If John hadn't forced Dean into pushing down his grief to take care of Sam (when he wasn't even old enough to be taking care of himself, let alone another child), he wouldn't have been so hostile about it. He would have bonded with Sam while telling him all about their mom, telling him stories, some of them real, some made up to make things seem better than they were, but either way, he would have shared his grief and love with Sam. But both of them were mentally fucked up by John Winchester. If he had been a good father (which he could have done while hunting, we know Mary grew up in the life and her father was still a father to her), none of the pain the boys went through would have happened. They could have been happy. Sam could have gone to college without being exiled from the 'family', Dean could have had the family he so desperately wanted, John could have moved on instead of being so wrapped up in his revenge and guilt (bc he felt guilty. He wasn't a good husband to Mary or a good father to the boys. We know that as fact. He was constantly upsetting Mary and leaving Dean to pick up the pieces, just like Sam pointed out when they were in heaven), that he irreversibly damaged his sons. Dean isn't to blame for keeping his memories of Mary to himself, that was the only way to keep them sacred, because if he shared them with Sam, they would be tainted with 'Sam is more important' and how Sam felt about DEAN'S memories would have been more important than how DEAN felt about them. So, maybe Dean did gatekeep his memories of Mary, but he did it because he had to.

#supernatural #dean winchester #destiel #deancas #sam winchester #samdean #cas #castiel #dean x castiel #sam and dean

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talistheintrovert · 1 year

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OKAY. let's clarify some stuff for people who are confused:

the entire episode is not a dream sequence. aside from that just being lazy, it's also not what the editing is communicating. this show is very good at editing in a dreamlike, slightly disjointed way; it's part of what contributes to it feeling so intimate and personal, and nothing about that editing really changed in episode 6 except for when it got dramatic RIGHT at the end, but i'm gonna address that particular tone change under the cut for those who want spoilers

the show intercuts flashbacks throughout, even dispersing flashbacks of what appears to be the same scene (therapy) through multiple episodes, and intercutting current dialogue with flashbacks (jaewon's brother flashbacks with his father's voice). the last five minutes MIGHT be a flash forward, which means that a lot of the coupley stuff left from the trailer could be coming up in episode 7 either as a lead-up to the inevitable or afterwards in flashback form, but again, i'm leaving my personal thoughts on that for under the cut

ALSO, he definitely says "boyfriend". he says "남자 친구" which literally translates to "namja - man, chingu - friend" and used together like that is the colloquially understood term for "boyfriend" in korean; it is sometimes shorted to "남친" (namchin) but BLs haven't reached that point yet. REGARDLESS, even though that technically translates to "male friend" SO DOES FUCKING BOYFRIEND. the only other word is "애인" (aein) which you may have heard, but it's gender neutral.

the context of that interaction is important. he says friend, the attendant clearly notices the implication and says "oh a girlfriend?" and he responds with "no, a boyfriend" and then the cashier gives him romantic fireworks. it was not an accident or a mistranslation. just because jaewon is closed off and masks does not mean he's like that about everything all of the time. like he says to jihyun, its easier to talk to him because he doesn't know his baggage. and as somebody who is very similar to jaewon I find it so easy to say things to strangers that I struggle to articulate to my friends. I come out to people as soon as I meet them but coming out to my friends was hard. it just be like that sometimes.

the last thing is a spoiler of what's actually happening in that last scene in relation to the movie version of this show that came out, so if you don't want to see those, simply do not look under the cut:

jihyun is not dead, nor is he a figment of jaewon's imagination. it is not a dream sequence or a fakeout - jihyun does almost drown and it does utterly fuck jaewon up.

that is literally the only spoiler i know from the movie because i saw it by accident and then noped out of the comments section of MDL and banned myself from going in there because i hate being spoiled, but it's actively starting to worry me just how many people are convincing themselves that it's all a dream or a fakeout who are going to be really distressed next week when it turns out not to be.

i'm all for collective fandom delusion (i was in The 100 fandom for years) but this seems like the kind of thing that, as somebody who is also a mentally ill queer person who gets WAY too attached to media, could be really damaging to everybody the longer this week goes on without answers and the collective fandom delusion spirals out of control.

(and hey, maybe this spoiler is a lie, or maybe the show is being edited differently to the film, but i still think it's HIGHLY unlikely all of that was just to trick us for no reason. that doesn't really align with the story they're telling)

take a breath like jihyun can't and remember there are FOUR WHOLE EPISODES LEFT. maybe the show will end tragically or bittersweet but i don't believe they'll do that in a way that is designed to actively hurt us. this is a show made by queer people, for queer people, and they foreshadowed from the start that this was going to happen. it's not a dropped plot point or a fakeout or an accident of editing - everything is VERY intentional.

#the eighth sense #my degree is in screenwriting so i thought i'd offer some insight from somebody who has had to study these things for years #and also as somebody who just watches a frankly obscene amount of television #and has adhd pattern recognition #and is queer and obsessive #i don't want it to come across like i'm talking down to anyone though #i really do think we all just need to breathe and absorb the last five minutes of the episode #y'know?

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ndcgalitzine · 2 months

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another refreshing argument with dear old mum that ends with me in frustrated tears at home!!! She asked me what I thought of our relationship... I said it sucked! Then she said I COULD FIX IT!!! ME??

I have to do the shopping for her twice a week, do all the laundry for her, take out the trash, and help her shower once a week, along with all the other small things she asks me to do. And she's mad at me for never sticking around for more than a minute when I drop by her house to do all those things.

Usually it's at the end of a workday for me, when I'm tired, hungry, and just want to go to my house and rest for the night.

I sometimes try to talk to her and I barely get any responses, and she never, and I mean NEVER asks me anything about how I'm doing or how my family is doing, or how's work or anything. She just wants me to sit there and listen to her complain.

When I ask her why she can't ask my brother to do any of those things for her, it's always 'he has the kids' or 'he did this one thing for me a whole month ago', or 'I have to ask him to do another thing for me next week'... is she honestly surprised that I'm exhausted for being her own personal maid, and I don't have the time, energy, or hell even the WILL to be her daughter as well???

She started talking about all the times my brother has taken her to the hospital, and came to visit her, and picked her up. I told her I've visited her many times (although she could only recall the one time, until I reminded her) and I've picked her up often (again, she could only recall the one time) and the reason she has asked my brother to do these things for her is because I'VE ASKED HER to have my brother do something because I just don't have the time, I'm stuck at work, or because HE IS ALSO HER CHILD!! And when she started complaining about how he has often driven her himself to the hospital, I reminded her of the one time I drove her, instead of calling an ambulance, and she had to sit in the waiting room for almost an hour, while having trouble getting oxygen!! Which was WHY I always want to call an ambulance for her, because at least that way she'll get the help she needs sooner, it'll be easier for them to put her on a stretcher and get her out of the house, instead of us having to walk her to the car while she's in the condition she's in. And that way she gets to see a doctor immediately after entering the hospital, and not having to sit around for an hour to wait to be seen.

It's like my brother gets a 100 points for everything he does for her, and I only get 1 point, and she keeps comparing these points...

The we started arguing about the fact that I don't talk to my brother, I avoid him at all costs... and I felt the need to remind her that physically abused me throughout my entire childhood, I had to stay locked in my room so I wouldn't annoy my brother and get into an argument with him, that ended up with my sitting with my back against the door, holding the lock, so he couldn't get into the room to beat the shit out of me!!!

She started talking about all the doors he's broken, and that he's paid her back for those doors today..

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THE STUFF HE BROKE!!! He broke ME!!! I am riddled with anxiety because of all the shit I went through as a kid because of him, and she has to mention that she got him help and he was put on medication. Yeah, when he was almost 18 and I was almost 15. Things got a little better sure, but they were still bad, and it also didn't matter to me because nothing was done for me and the DAMAGE WAS ALREADY DONE!!!

And then she wants to compare me to him??? I'm so done with that! idgaf if he's going through shit himself, that he's depressed because he's alone because his ex broke up with him because he was abusive to her. I WAS SO HAPPY FOR HER WHEN SHE LEFT HIM because I know better than anyone how horrible he is to live with. I'm trying to deal with my shit, with my mental problems, with my work, with my relationship with my friends, my husband AND MY OWN DAUGHTER, who I'm trying to turn into a functioning member of society.

Oh and get this, she tried to bring my dead dad into it, started talking about a dream I had about him last year, and if he wasn't trying to give me a sign at that time. First of all, I dream about my dad all the time. Even if I don't dream about him, I can always feel him somewhere to the side of me or behind me. Even in my most craziest dreams. But she started saying that he must have been sending me a sign because I felt guilty about never visiting him in the last few years of his life... and yes of course I do. But the man was also just not okay in the head, he was so difficult to talk to. He'd call me up and sometimes the conversation would be no more than three minutes, an mostly he was just asking me about my sister, who I didn't even speak. He lived 3 hours away from us, the year of his life was when Covid was everywhere and nobody was allowed to go anywhere... so of course I wasn't gonna go visit him, if there was even the slightest change that I could infect him with Covid!!!

I visit my mother 5-6 times a week... I try talking to her but barely get responses. She never asks me anything. She uses me as her maid. She only calls me to ask me to do something for her. And she thinks that it's on ME to fix this relationship???

My GAHD this has been a rant...

#personal #family fun time #this is not how I wanted to spend my sunday

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creepychippy · 5 months

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Self-Reflection Post

Now, before I begin, I want to point out that this isn't some sort of "I'm leaving Tumblr" or "big Changes are going to be made on this Blog" Post.

This is just something Fun I wanted to do for myself and also because I thought it would be fitting, considering it's going to be the End of the Year.

With that being said, I'll put my very lenghty Ramblings under a Cut for those curious to read.

General Stuff:

Now, I reflected what this Blog actually means to me, and the best way it describes it is something someone once on Tumblr said:

Personal Blogs are like open Diaries for you to put the Stuff you like into and People can look at it and even put their own Thoughts down as well if they want to.

I mostly reblog Memes as well as wholesome Content and occasionally post Art onto it because that is what I like. I like how Things are being run here on my Blog and I don't want to change that.

It may sound weird what I'm saying, but I also like this Blog because when the Moment comes where I have to leave this World, then there is always a Piece of me that is still here and for People to find, look at and remember me by. They can always discover what kind of Person I was if they are curious enough.

Regarding my Art:

Just with what I reblog, the Art I post here is what I personally like and enjoy. I make Art when I feel like it and post it if I want to.

I don't make Art for the Sake of gaining Attention and I like the chill Design of Tumblr (that is also why I rarely post on Instagram, since it's a Competition with the Algorithm on there in a way).

There was a Time when I was younger where I would post Art and then compare my Self-Worth with how much Attention it got, but I gradually realized that it was damaging my mental Health, even to the point where I thought about quitting Art altogether.

Don't get me wrong, I do like receiving Attention on my Art. I have Moments where I reread what People left as Tags under my Artworks because they make me happy. However, I don't prioritize receiving Attention as my #1 Goal anymore when it comes to creating Art.

While my t-worded Art receives a ton of Notes (around 80-100, sometimes even over 200), my general/personal Art barely scrapes around 7-10 Notes, sometimes 20 if I'm lucky (which I understand. If you don't create for a Fandom, it is hard to build up an Audience for Artworks they have no basic Knowledge about and therefore Interest in). I still have one Artwork on my Blog that at this point of Time has 0 Notes on it, and you know what I said to myself?

"It's okay."

Because I prioritize creating Art for my own Enjoyment first and don't pressure myself with having to create something out of someone elses Enjoyment or having to create x-Amount of Art with a Timelimit.

Again, why I like Tumblr's Design so much is because it doesn't pressure you with a Timelimit to create a certain Amount of Art, else you're thrown out of the Algorithm (which is what Instagram does).

I don't like when I'm being pressured by Time (same goes for Time Missions in Video Games), because it stresses me out.

So having the Freedom to say "I create and post when I want to" makes me happy.

About Ideas:

Often Times, I will ask my Followers "Would you like me to draw [XY Idea]?/Would you like me to draw [Idea A] or [Idea B]?/etc?" and then receive an Answer, only for me to never draw said Ideas.

There are Moments where I will feel a little bit guilty about it, but then I have to remember something: I never made a Promise to draw anything to anyone.

So I shouldn't fault myself for it, especially since I never judge anyone else for it as well. Occasionally, there were Instances where People asked me in DMs "Hey, can I make a Fanfic inspired by [one of my Ideas I posted]?" with me answering "Of course.", only for them to never create said Fanfic, and I never blamed them for anything nor was I upset about it. Because sometimes, Life gets in the way or your Energy runs out or maybe you realized just later on that you can't actually work with the Idea now that you are holding it in your Hands, and that is totally okay. It happens to all of us and we shouldn't blame ourselves for it.

Regarding the T-Word Community:

There is something funny I noticed when it comes to some of my Posts. Sometimes, when they are reblogged, People will leave a "tickle community" Tag under it (which I don't mind, just pointing out).

However, I realized that I myself don't really feel like that I am Part of this Community.

Don't get me wrong. There are People from this Community that will approach me, talk with me and interact with me.

What I meant is that I am the one that doesn't approach People from t-word Community a lot. I will have Moments where I'll have a Burst of "I should interact with these People from the Community", yet these Interactions essentially boil down to me just making a haha funny Meme or a Joke rather than having an actual Conversation.

For me, cracking Jokes and being funny is the easiest way for me to interact with someone because it's the most comfortable way which also doesn't require a lot of Effort since I mostly don't know anything about the Person I am talking to.

On top of that, since I already have a Friend Group that isn't Part of the t-word Community whom I talk to daily and love and cherish, I often forget to interact with People that are Part of the t-word Community.

I also have to mention that often, either the Chemistry between me and someone else clicks or it doesn't, which is totally okay and natural for it to happen.

Now, I am not saying all of this for People to pity me and forcefully try to interact with me after reading all of this, since that is the last Thing I want. I am saying all of this because this is something I personally noticed after reflecting on it.

While by Definition I could be considered Part of the Community, in a way it doesn't really feel like I am truly Part of it since those Interactions between People who share the same Interest as me are largely missing.

Truth be told, there were also Moments on Tumblr where Posts were made in which People talk about a ton of Creators that create t-worded Content - and I was rarely if never mentioned in them despite me by Definition having been in said Community for Years and created Posts for it. My very first Post I ever made on Tumblr was a t-worded one.

It may sound rough with what I am about to say next and People can disagree with me on this, but I am essentially an Outsider in the t-word Community as far as I know. (I am not saying that out of negative Emotions like Sadness or anything like that, but rather what I see as a Matter of Fact in my personal View.)

In a weird way, however, it gives me a sort of Freedom which I enjoy. Because for Example, People never rush to me for my Opinion when "Community Drama" happens. I never get bombarded with thousands of Requests either which I appreciate.

Again, this is not in order to gain Pity Points, but something I realized, reflected upon and acknowledge.

In Conclusion:

I like how my Blog is being run right now and how Things are going, so I'm not going to change anything about that.

As for Interactions with other People, I could try to work on them but I am also not sad if it doesn't work out and just ends up being like before.

I enjoy the Type of Freedom I have on this Blog.

[If any of you read all of this to the End, you get a Cookie- 🍪]

#Very long Ramblings-#All Points I made in that Post: General Stuff; Regarding my Art; About Ideas; Regarding the T-Word Community; In Conclusion #And you all get a Cookie- uwu 🍪

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larathia · 1 year

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BSD Analysis: Ch. 107

(now that I've gotten the screaming out of my system.)

Okay! Lot to unpack here. Let's see what I can make of this chapter besides "oh man, next month really better pay off everything being shown here".

Beginning with Atsushi's indecision. The translations seem to have differing opinions on exactly how to take his state of mind here, but 'confused and in doubt' is a safe bet. I actually don't think we need to read too much into this. He's been given a weighty piece of knowledge (the goal of the Decay of the Angel), and he's being called on to make a decision. One which will likely have Consequences he can't predict or control. Atsushi's grown a lot over the arcs, but nearly anyone would be at least a little shaken by having to make such a decision. So it's no wonder that Atsushi's wrangling Doubts.

Akutagawa is missing his coat. The coat is the item of clothing given to him by the member of the Port Mafia that inducted him - Dazai. That he isn't wearing it suggests he's abandoned any affiliation with the mafia (or been ordered to abandon it). Alternatively, it may be a statement of rejection of Dazai, and Dazai's hold over him. (I do note that Chuuya-vamp kept HIS article of clothing, but then he kind of needs it to control his power, so I'm not sure how much to read into that.) I will, however, say that it's an interesting parallelism in the text that Atsushi is lamenting his "inner Dazai" isn't telling him what to do, at the same time we see Akutagawa lacking the symbol of his own allegiance to Dazai - the longcoat.

Cut to Sigma, who's thinking his way through everything he's just experienced. I actually don't think Sigma is off the mark in his conclusions, by the way. I think he read things correctly, even to the point of accepting that the whole thing IS a manipulation. But that's not the most interesting bit just now - that note is.

The reason the note is interesting is it made me remember this prison wasn't built just for Dazai and Fyodor to play mental chess in. There's other prisoners in here. Lots of them, rumor suggests. I am going to put forth my own crack theory here. My theory is that note has nothing to do with Gogol's game. My theory is that it came from another prisoner. Because lemme tell you I really, really want to see Leo Tolstoy turn up in this bitch and War And Peace mister Crime and Punishment. Please let me see that. I want to see that soooo much.

Atsushi and Akutagawa...but Aku's fighting is all wrong. Kinda like he WANTS to be beaten, no? What did he say? The tiger's claws can rip through the very fabric of Ability. Wonder how they'd fare against vampirism...

And on that note, Dazai! Who has survived! I doubt anyone is really surprised, although I'm sure more than a few of us had the "wait, HOW" reaction. It seems it's not been without cost; broken feet, broken legs. Probably, given the coughing, some damage to his ribs, too. And yet. He's got a little smile, and his eyes are drawn much lighter than usual. He's not unhappy with his current situation, even if there's a lot of pain in it. (Which. I mean. There has to be.) He crawled to the view of that camera. He asks for Fyodor to help him die, and Fyodor sends Chuuya to kill him.

Okay. I have to say at this juncture that I 100 percent believe Dazai is tricking Fyodor here. Playing on his own stereotype, in fact. Yeah, he hates pain, and yeah, he wants to die. And he knows Fyodor knows that - and, moreover, that Fyodor has to kill him to win the game Gogol's set up. So he is, basically, using Fyodor's own tactic in conjunction with his own methodology here. He's set up a situation that Fyodor really can't refuse to engage in, though 'refusing to engage' would be the smarter option and just as effective.

Why? I can see two good reasons right off the bat.

The first is that if he gets close to Chuuya, or Chuuya touches him in any way, there's a chance that Dazai's power will snap Chuuya out of the vampiric state. It's not a guarantee, but it's possible.

The second's the real one though - by doing this, Dazai has made sure Chuuya is not by Fyodor. Meaning Sigma doesn't have to defend himself against vamp!Chuuya to get to Fyodor (which is good, because I don't think Sigma would've survived that).

And now we've got Fyodor's little speech about "of course Dazai manipulated you". Which, lbh, Dazai totally did. But the thing that Fyodor misses here is that Dazai's manipulations aren't about forcing people to do what they don't want to do. They're about pushing people into doing things they secretly totally want to do but hold themselves back from. Sigma wants to matter. He wants to have friends. He wants to be useful. Dazai never lied to Sigma, and treated him as an equal, an ally, and basically showed Sigma that that's what Sigma wants. Not to be a flunky or lackey but a partner in a worthy cause. Sigma's choice here is his own, as is his courage. Fyodor can't believe in that, because his manipulations prey on human weaknesses; fear and greed.

We're led to believe that next month we might, might, MAYBE, find out what Fyodor's ability is. (I dunno. I kinda think he'll lie, what do you think?) Who the hell knows, y'know?

#bsd analysis #bungou stray dogs

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