#I won’t even get into how it also rips your mental health to shreds and strips your ego and ability to enjoy what you do and etc | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bakugokemkatsuki · 5 months

Text

Overworked

Izuku Midoriya (Deku) x Reader

**Pro Hero Era **Genre: Fluff **Warning(s): Cussing, use of nickname love for reader, reader size as being smaller mentioned once **Reader GN/Fem/M **Key: Talking; You, Izuku, "Bakugo"

Dating the number one pro came with a lot of responsibility. The news constantly had their eye on him on you on the relationship. They were looking for any reason to rip him to shreds but also any reason to boost him up. This was a lot to handle for one person and you tried to help him bare as much of the weight as possible, but you could only do so much. He was All Might’s successor, the new symbol of peace and justice. That was a lot to handle. This led to Deku making less and less time for you but more importantly less and less time for himself. He was pulling long hours working 12 to 14 hours a day 7 days a week. And if he wasn’t at the office, on a mission, or patrolling he was on call; ready to jump into action the second he was needed. After months of this you could see it was really taking a toll on him. His mental and emotional health were going down the drain. His physical health was starting to faulter as well. He had dark bags under his eyes and was covered in so many bruises and cuts from all the fights he had been in recently. His hair was always a mess, and he wasn’t eating nearly enough. You’d finally had enough, you were going to have a serious talk with him about all of this, tonight. You had tried to bring it up several times before, but he always assured you he was fine and brushed past it. You weren’t taking no for an answer today.

You heard the jingle of his keys as he unlocked the door to the apartment. “Hey love, I’m home.” “I’m in the kitchen.” You were waiting. It was now or never. “Hey, love how was- “Izuku stopped mid-sentence as he entered the kitchen. You sat at the table waiting for him with a very serious look in your face. “Love, what’s wrong?” concern laced Izuku’s voice. “We need to talk. Please sit down.” He sat down visibly nervous. In ways you found it funny seeing the worlds new symbol of peace so afraid of you. I mean you were MUCH smaller than him and your quirk was in no means even comparable to his. “Izu we need to have a serious discussion.” “Love I’m sorry, whatever I did to upset you please, forgive me. You know I would never upset you on purp-“ You cut him off as you reached across the table to grab is hand. “Izu I’m not mad. I just want talk to you about work.” “Work?” “Yes Izu. Work. You keep avoiding me and saying your fine and your not and I will not accept that answer anymore. You are struggling. I can see it. The stress and pressure is really getting to you. From your hair to your eyes to the fact you don’t even eat dinner with me most nights anymore. I can see it in the way you fight, the way you present yourself, the way you act. I mean you come home shower sleep maybe 4-5 hours get up work out and go back to the office again. Your NOT taking care of yourself Izu. Seeing you like this hurts. I want to help you.” Izuku was silent for a moment. “Your right… I am struggling.” Tears start to form in the corners of his eyes as he speaks. “I was always taught to put others first and to be a symbol, a hero everyone could look up too. I was built to take All Might’s place, but it’s much harder than it seems.” “I know love, but if you don’t take care of yourself now, you won’t be here to take care of others later.” “Your right love, and I’m sorry. I have been neglectful to both you and myself. I will make it up to you.” “Izu. I understand. I know your busy being the worlds greatest hero.” “Thanks. I’m going to go call out tomorrow so we can spend the whole day relaxing.” “No need. I already made arrangements. Bakugo and Shoto are going to split taking over some extra work while you’re gone. The office gave you a whole week off. I wasn’t the only one who noticed you pushing yourself to much. Those two did as well. I believe Bakugo’s exact words were ‘Icyhot and I have got this covered. Get the damn nerd to take time off before he kills himself.’ Those two really care about you. As do I, so please spend the week with me?” “Sure my love. I’ll try to cut back some on hours when I go back as well.” “Thanks Izu. Now lets eat so we can go to bed.”

82 notes · View notes

trentsixtysix · 1 year

Note

Can we just talk about how there’s no concern whatsoever for players’ mental health like wtf imagine all the players that will need rehabilitation when they retire. Ffs these players never signed up for this like they decided to be footballers when they were like 5,6 and 7 like they didn’t know that they’d be getting all this hate alongside their dream like I get it they’re paid a lot of money and blah blah blah but still they’re people at the end of the fucking day. Imagine being 21,22,23 and literally having to face the internet being against you for making a mistake during a game and you can’t even say anything back because you have to be professional like it’s just a fucking game, footballers are more robotic and calculated and can’t even be themselves because people have a lot to say. Like honestly it’s just sickening what they have to go through I can’t imagine the anxiety they feel if they make a mistake on the field knowing that it’ll be turned into a meme and will be trending all over the internet. I get club rivalry and shit but constantly bullying a player because he doesn’t okay for your team is just low and trashy. I can’t even find anymore words to say this whole thing just makes me so angry. And it’s crazy because they literally get zero support. Jesse Lingard was literally bullied for THREE fucking years and no one said shit, Harry Maguire is also being constantly bullied, Sancho and now Trent(like the guy barely talks he just minds his business and drinks his red bull) the hate is becoming so constant that everytime I see a post with him in it I don’t even read the comments because I know exactly what’s in there. Sorry for the rant btw

Nah you’re so right it’s a joke. And the same people bullying them are gonna be reposting them everywhere and talking about men’s mental health when it goes too far god forbid. Lingard was treated terribly I think he talks ab it in his documentary which I need to watch + maguire has had it sooooo bad too. It’s gone on for years by fans of his own club 😧 everywhere I see him there’s someone attacking him not only for his ability (which I get because you’re allowed to have opinions on football) but they’re attacking his looks and other shit too?? The nicknames they’ve given him are all sad and I get it’s banter sometimes but it’s to the point where it’s just straight up bullying now 🤷‍♀️ don’t even get me started on Trent because I won’t be able to stop, everytime he plays or posts summet I get so anxious because I know he’s gonna be ripped to shreds, not about his football ability again because constructive criticism is always welcome but just little nasty comments/memes where they can find any chance to pick him apart 💔 people seriously need to do better and I’m glad sanchos erased his Instagram for whatever reason so people can realise what they’ve done.

1 note · View note

asking-jude · 7 months

Note

My husband has been taking my tampons some gloves using socks screwdrivers wrenches pre roll containers tons of objects even our kids toys for his bum. And this has been a big issue as he is using things not normal some super big large creepy big even one shelf we have the poles are thick. Because I am upset about the porn masturbation how he calls me names puts me down he says he punishes himself that way but he seems to enjoy is and it won’t stop I don’t know what to do about the lies or threats to punch me or tell me to end my life or he hopes I get cancer or the fact he buys illegal substances then lied said he gave it away then had two bags of the stuff white powder coke. So like how do you deal with someone who lies, hides things, steals their own wives panties,likes literally steals them and hides them. Like he thinks I’m dumb. He even broke gear shift on car to use for his bum. Then I got punched when I tried to throw it away. He is now facing a fb for that but we have a kid he won’t let me leave with her. I have been pushed into walls thrown to the ground been in choke holds I am just not sure what to do anymore he also has a whole cabinent full of at least 200 alcohol bottles and we have only lived in our home three years so that’s excessive drinking. He won’t let me take my baby and stay elsewhere which would be safer for us both I feel stuck here. He wileighs 175 me 104 lost weight because of stress even my doctor said I am underweight. I used to be 120-125-130 healthier. His drug use and drinking and lying and doing weird crazy things is out of control he even took two of my prepaid cards and ripped chip out burned them and threw away the papers for them he took from my pockets and then to work and did that then took some of my shredded paper in the shredder to work and pooped in it and in jail he pooped on the walls. This man has major issues and is also abusive I feel like no one has dealt with someone to this extreme so what do I do how do I deal with this because I kept hoping he would change 4years later here we are and he is still doing odd weird disgusting things and keeps stealing from me and he also has thrown phones of mine and broke my laptop and the screen was not cheap to fix also broke our tv now our kid has nothing to watch except color and rub around the house and her few toys he hasn’t broke like he has broken his own daughters toys a chair and desk I got new at a store he broke within a week this is getting nuts. Then raised a fist at me though I have no proof of that and then he took my phone and deleted half the voice recording I have for proof. I am more concerned about my baby not being along with him I could leave but he won’t let me leave with my baby. She is 3. Any advice would be helpful thanks

Do you want free, fast mental health help? Visit askingjude.org.

Hey love,

Thank you for reaching out to Asking Jude. I am sorry that you are going through this difficult situation.

I would first recommend contacting the National Domestic Violence Hotline at this link: https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/. This organization can remove you and your baby from the household, and they can help you find housing once you have moved out. I would also recommend calling the police if you ever suspect your husband is going to be violent towards you or your baby; contacting the authorities is the best option for situations involving prolonged and violent domestic abuse.

You mentioned that his behavior has been consistent over the past few years, and that he is refusing to change. You should never feel trapped or obligated to endure such a horrific situation. Please understand that you are not alone, and that there are resources available to you. I have linked a website that contains some information about domestic violence support groups: https://www.alexandrahouse.org/support-groups/.

Speaking with other people who have endured similar situations could be healing. These kinds of groups provide a sense of community that could help you cope with the emotional trauma you’ve experienced.

I also wanted to provide a link for finding therapists near you: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists. Talking with a mental health professional is an effective way to process your stress and anxiety, and they can provide coping strategies to help you work through your emotional trauma.

Please be safe and remember to always prioritize your mental health. Please do not hesitate to reach out to Asking Jude again if you have any further concerns. Reaching out in the first place took courage, and we will always be here for you. You also may consider reaching out to close family or friends for help. Having a strong support system while dealing with emotionally challenging situations like this is vital to the safety of you and your child.

You will get through this.

Stay strong,

Jordan

Ask a question here.

#ask #advice #mental health #dating advice #love advice #relationship advice #health advice #life advice

1 note · View note

no-ctrl · 8 months

Text

I wish you were still my person but realistically I really don’t. I am tired of being alone. I hate expressing these feelings because realistically I’m not alone, I have my sister Jessica, I have my mom, I have my best friends Frida and Ruby. I am not alone but I am lonely. I miss having a person to text, someone to share my everyday life events even the most insignificant parts bc to them they won’t be insignificant bc I’m me. I miss having someone to rely on when I’m not 100% I’m tired of holding down my end of the bargain but get less 5% back in return (excluding my people) I am sad. Deep down I just want to be taken care, i want to be looked after, I want to be considered, I want to be valued, I want to be respected, I want to be genuinely and purely loved. Im tired of the hidden agendas or lack of consideration. I want to feel lovable. Im tired of feeling like I have to prove myself. I am lovable just as I am I don’t have to excel at everything and be perfect to be lovable I am enough as I am but some days im surrounded by people that make me feel as if im not. I want to be held. I miss Israel when he genuinely cared about me not the monster of a person he became. He hurt me to deeply in the end. He treated me like I was nothing and body to him. He had no respect to even give me a goodbye. He just ghosted me like we had not been together for nearly 6 years. I can’t help but feel so sad. I stood by his side for all the bad yet he could not give an ounce of love back. Im not even asking for him to be there in the bad time but he could not even give me love when I had none for myself. Instead he exploited that, he took advantage of my lack of self love and used me for his benefit whether tht be for sex, a ride, a free meal. He truly embarrassed me as a person, I am embarrassed that I also lacked so much self love, respect and discipline to stand by a person who did not care to look me in the face while taking advantage of me. I wish there was at least an ounce of remorse in his mind but knowing him there probably isn’t. At the end of the day it’s none of my business what he does or thinks but what I do know is it’s officially 8 months no contact. Soon to be 1 year. I guess if I could say anything to him is I hope you’re well, I’m good health physically and mentally, I wish you luck on your future, you don’t have to prove yourself to anyone, nothing in your past defines your current life. Respect although it’s all love too please leave me alone forever even if it kills me on the inside. Each day with no contact a piece of my heart dies, the place that hold the space of you. It needs to completely die, you have no place in living in my heart anymore. You don’t deserve space in my big sweet heart. You had it and instead of handling with care you ripped my heart to shreds then laughed in my face as you walked away. You left me and I don’t care how hard you life was bc mine was too but I never let that be an excuse to mistreat you. I don’t care what the reason was bc I deserve to be treated properly not what you did. The most I can do for myself right now is pursue my goals and achieve them for ME! I deserve to succeed in this life. I deserve to defy the odds. Life has put me through a tough walk of life at only 22 years old but I know my purpose in this life is to heal and blossom past the constraints life tries to shackle me in. I’m not defined by you Israel. I’m not defined by what you did to me. I’m not defined by all the terrible things in my past. I’m defined by the beauty I care from within and out. I am meant to shine in this life and I will not be dimmed by a guy. You’re just a guy. I am a humble, intelligent, charismatic, sweet, genuine, loving, thoughtful, considerate, caring person. That’s all me. You don’t just fake those sorts of things, that’s something I care within myself. And if I’m too much for you then you walking away was the best thing you could have done for yourself. Go find less elsewhere but you are no longer welcome in knowing who Jaymee is.

0 notes

missmentelle · 4 years

Note

How do I know if I'm burnt out and what are signs of being burnt out? In relation to both university and work?

Unfortunately, burnout is a very common problem among both university students and people in high-stress jobs. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the term, “burnout” is effectively where people reach a breaking point after being in a high-stress occupation (like a demanding academic program or a high-pressure career) for too long. Being “burnt out” is not an official diagnosis, and you won’t find it in the ICD-11 or the DSM-V. But it’s something that an increasing number of people are experiencing every year.

Not everyone is at equal risk of experiencing burnout - many students and workers never really deal with this. Factors that put you at high risk of burnout include:

Having poor work-life balance. If you spend huge portions of your time working - working through weekends, doing tons of overtime, working late, not taking vacation, working through lunch - you are at high risk of burnout. Humans need rest, relaxation, hobbies and time with friends, and when you sacrifice those things for work, it will eventually take a toll.

Having very little control over your day-to-day tasks. No one has perfect control over their daily work tasks - not even the self-employed - but having some element of control is important. If you have a say in things like when to schedule meetings, when to book client appointments and which task you are going to work on when, you have a lower risk of burnout than someone whose tasks tend to just be dictated to them.

Having perfectionist traits or holding yourself to very high standards. People who experience burnout tend to be overachievers. They constantly try to go above and beyond because they put immense pressure on themselves to do their best work at all times. If you’re the kind of person who beats yourself up over getting an A- instead of an A and makes a point to be the last one out of the office every day, you are at risk of burnout.

Having a dysfunctional work or school environment. Is your workplace plagued with bullies and office gossip? Do your lab members take pleasure in ripping each other’s research and writing to shreds, without really being constructive about it? Does your boss take their bad moods out on the rest of the office, even when you haven’t done anything wrong? A dysfunctional workplace creates burned-out employees.

Having unclear instructions or directions. It is extremely difficult to be in a work environment where you are expected to do be productive, but you aren’t given clear expectations, a clear list of tasks or instructions for how those tasks should actually be performed. It leaves you constantly feeling like your work isn’t good enough and isn’t done properly, without actually giving you a route to improve; you often end up working twice as hard to get half as much done, which is a recipe for burnout.

Working in a helping profession. Nurses, social workers, therapists, paramedics, psychologists, caregivers and caseworkers have some of the highest burnout rates of any profession. These jobs often combine long hours and low pay with incredibly stressful work environments, and burnout is a huge problem.

Burnout is more than just feeling tired or bored of what you do. It’s a state of complete and total exhaustion. Putting more energy into your job isn’t possible when you reach that point - you have nothing left to give. “Burnout” isn’t an official diagnosis, but it is a fitting description - trying to push through burnout is like trying to re-light a candle that has already burned all the way down to the bottom. It’s just not going to happen.

Some signs that you’ve reached the point of burnout include:

Your performance is suffering. You can’t keep going full steam ahead when you’re running on fumes. When you’re burnt out, your work performance will one of the first things that starts to slip - you may find that you are missing deadlines, forgetting things, half-assing tasks and making careless mistakes.

You constantly feel drained. Burnout is a perpetual state of exhaustion. You’ll start to feel like you just don’t have the energy to do everything that you’re supposed to do. You’ll find that you feel tired all the time, regardless of your sleeping habits, and that just forcing yourself to do the bare minimum leaves you feeling totally depleted and unable to do much else.

You feel disconnected and cynical toward your work. Even if you once enjoyed your work or felt passionate about it, when you’re burnt out, you become disillusioned with what you do. You may find that you’re cynical about your work, or just so apathetic that you can’t bring yourself to care about it anymore, even when you accomplish things that once mattered to you.

You can’t concentrate. Burnout can make it difficult - if not impossible - for even the most dedicated person to focus on their tasks. You might find that you spend a lot of time just sitting in front of your computer, unable to even start tasks because you can’t focus well enough to begin something.

You have become irritable and short-tempered. People who are burnt out have a tendency to become impatient with the people around them. When you’re running on empty, you have no energy left for social interactions. You might find that you’re snapping at coworkers or getting visibly frustrated with clients if you work in a helping profession.

You feel anxious. Burnout is often accompanied by feelings of indistinct dread that you just can’t seem to shake. The fear and anxiety is often tied to work, and can be completely overwhelming.

You can’t sleep. Ironically, people with burnout often have a hard time sleeping. Their minds race all night, and they find that they cannot settle down or get comfortable enough to drift off. If you can sleep, you may find that you are only able to sleep in short bursts and cannot sleep through a full night.

Your eating habits have changed. Some people experiencing burnout find that they lose their appetites. Others find that they begin to comfort themselves with food. Significant changes in appetite and food intake can signal a serious problem.

You feel physically ill. Being under high amounts of stress for long periods of time can destroy your health - you might find that you have a lot of symptoms with no direct physical cause, like headaches, stomach pain, nausea and body aches. You might also find that you get sick more often and get more infections as the stress wears down your immune system.

You feel like you have to drag yourself through the day. Even if you once enjoyed your job or your school, you might start to feel like even showing up is a huge chore, and dread having to go in. You might find that it takes all of your energy to even make it through the front door each day.

The good news is that burnout is not a permanent state; there are things you can do to recover. However, recovering from burnout is not necessarily easy - this is not something you can quick-fix with a self-help book, and you may need to make significant lifestyle changes. Some things you can do to fix or prevent burnout include:

Set firm boundaries. If possible, stop taking work home. Stop signing up for extra shifts and overtime every time it’s available. Don’t volunteer to organize every single office party and baby shower. Stop answering work emails after 5pm. Don’t check your email on the weekends. Don’t respond to emails on vacation. Set firm boundaries between “work time” and “me time” - especially if you work from home, where it’s easier for work and life to bleed together.

Use every minute of your paid time off. A lot of people just don’t use up all their PTO every year because they’re worried they’re letting the company down by taking vacation. Stop that. If you have vacation days, use them. Use your sick time too - if you don’t get sick that often, use them as mental health days. If you’re a student, ask professors for extensions when you’re sick - more and more professors are getting on board with cutting students some slack for life events.

Unplug from productivity culture. Our culture has a pathological obsession with productivity, and it’s killing us. We consume books and blogs and podcasts about how to squeeze as much productivity out of ourselves as possible. It has to stop. Unsubscribe from this kind of content. You don’t need to put more pressure on yourself to optimize and monetize every second of your day - it’s not healthy.

Seek support. Talk to a therapist, a doctor or a friend. Get professional help or just find people you can vent to. Try to form friendships with some of your coworkers or fellow students, especially if you work in the helping professions - they know better than anyone what you are going through.

Prioritize your physical health. When you neglect your physical health, you are more likely to burn out - you run out of fuel faster when you have less in the tank to begin with. Prioritize eating healthy meals and getting all the nutrients you need. Make a habit of exercising. Practice good sleep hygiene and try to improve your sleep.

Talk to your supervisor, advisor or boss. Are there things about your specific work or school environment that could be improved for you? Could you be transferred to a new team? Do your roles and responsibilities need to be clarified so you know exactly what is expected of you? Do you need additional training to do your job well? Are you dealing with harassment that could be reported to HR? See what can be fixed.

Consider a change. Sometimes you just need a change of pace after a while. Many social workers, for instance, eventually leave the profession - a lot of people simply have a lifetime limit on how long they can do that kind of work before they need to switch to something that doesn’t involve human horror every day. If burnout is a consistent problem, it might be time to think about taking a leave of absence, changing to a different role, or switching careers altogether.

Hope this answers your question! MM

#Anonymous #AnsweredByMM

767 notes · View notes

purekesseltrash · 3 years

Text

My Fic List

Whelp, decided I should do one of these. I have mostly written for Hockey RPF and BNHA, as you have likely already seen!

My BNHA Fics

Bury Them Deep

- “Shouji Mezou's entire life has revolved around being a goalie and playing hockey since he was five years old. After being drafted in the third round in the NHL, Shouji has two more years of college before moving on to playing professional hockey like he's always wanted. Or at least like he always thought he wanted. An injury that ends his season throws him into a tailspin, forcing him to take a look at his life and how he is going to live it, especially after meeting his fascinating new goth history tutor.”

(This bad bitch is 81k total and is chock full of my red hot hockey takes and midwestern references. I love it very much and it is a sweet baby.)

The Rooftop Necromancy series AKA my black metal band AU:

Downhill from Here

- “ Hizashi just wants to tour the country with his best friends with their metal band in their shitty van like they've been planning for years. He'd successfully hidden his crush on one of them for years, after all, he would definitely be able to make this work and keep things fun and uncomplicated. Until Aizawa decided to start acting weird. “

(In which I take you all on a nostalgic trip to 2006-2008 metal culture and you can see the black metal love song that my dumb ass wrote.)

The Perfect Mistake

- “ It wasn't as though Hizashi had planned on breaking up with his boyfriend while they were on tour in a tiny cargo van with no room and no peace. He would have much rather preferred to do it when they were home and he could easily go and crawl back into his mom's basement. But he didn't have a choice. “

(As relationships tend to do, theirs goes through problems.)

Rooftop Necromancy

-"He’d even ended up leaning into the crowd when someone’s elbow had connected solidly with his nose and thrown him back. They’d gone quiet as Hizashi got himself up to his feet, ripped off his now bloody ‘Within Temptations’ tshirt from 2004, whipped his hair back from his face and screamed, “That’s what I’m FUCKING talking about.” into the mic.

They went wild for it, cheering as blood ran down his nose, past his mouth and dripped onto the stage, leaving him feeling like an otherworldly monster performing an occult ritual. Metal, he thought dazedly to himself, why in the fuck had he ever stopped doing metal."

(I hyperfocused so hard at the idea of Mic as a metal head that I wrote this in seven straight hours and WROTE THROUGH THE ATTEMPTED COUP ON DEMOCRACY WITHOUT KNOWING IT. It’s a bit rough, but it’s got some good parts and it spawned the whole damn series.)

Hands Up

- "But of course he had, they had always been able to read each other and what they meant. That had often been their problem, if he was going to be honest."

(In which they figure their shit out. Basically it was written when I was thinking alot about how my own mental health had evolved through the years. It’s basically the story of two people who are both very good for each other and also very bad and how they deal with that. It’s probably the most personally meaningful thing I’ve ever written.)

The other BNHA fics:

Waking Up With Ghosts

-"Hizashi opened his eyes to a world that belonged to ghosts. His headphones were gone and the gray, grimy world that he felt more than saw was muffled and still. This was bad, he hazily thought."

In which we follow Hizashi shortly after the events of 296. How he's found, how he finds out and how he has to tell.”

(I fished this one out of the garbage of my Google Docs because I’d written most of it and forgotten about it. I dragged it out, prettied it up a little and threw it up on AO3. It is by far my most well read BNHA fic, go figure.)

Leave Her Johnny

-”Captain Hizashi Yamada has combed the Seven Seas looking for the elusive smuggler Eraserhead. He has spent years searching for him, tracking his movements and trying to anticipate where he would be next. But he had never considered what would happen when he finally found him. “

(I wrote a paragraph of this and was immediately like ‘I MUST CREATE THIS’. I take some chances writing wise in this as the whole thing is done in a Victorian Era ish style of writing. But I think it’s effective and the ending is likely one of the best that I’ve ever managed. I’m proud of it.)

Gold Rush

-”"That earned him a laugh and Mashirao’s smile made something in his chest ache, something that made him want to hurt. Why had he ever left?

“I’m really not,” Mashirao was saying but Shinsou just shook his head and kissed him once, twice and wished he could take the sunny afternoon and make it stay forever. Make it stay forever like Mashirao somehow had, while the neighborhood had adjusted without Hitoshi’s permission.

“You are,” he said, “And I love it.”

I love you, he should have said. But as Mashirao’s eyes softened and the blonde pushed him back against the bed, Hitoshi knew he didn’t need to say it."

(You know how sometimes you listen to a Death Cab for Cutie song about gentrification over and over until a fic comes out? Because that’s basically what happened here.)

Black Sun

‘"But then he remembered the way that Shouji had eaten the night after, one hand curled into his hair as he hung back in the corner. Shouji hid when something was wrong, like a wounded cat trying to find a dark place to either live or die and he was being released tomorrow. Now was the time to push or he’d find Shouji right back on his bed, staring at nothing."

Something happened to Shouji on the beach. Tokoyami is sure of it.‘

(Aaaaaand Death Cab for Cutie strikes again. But heyo, my first published ShouToko and it is SOFTTTTT)

In the Far and Mighty West

Mic came closer and despite himself, Shouta could not find it in him to feel afraid. “You won’t understand, not really. I’ll try, though. I’m like Pecos Bill or Paul Bunyan or a jackalope or that fish that your friend caught that he swears he brought in but that you’ve never seen proof of. I’m the herd of dogies moving sweet and steady in the right direction, I’m no stragglers to worry about, I’m that perfect dog that’s there to keep them in line. I’m that group of good friends that you would kill for, I’m the woman who you’re dying to come home to, I’m that promised home of milk and honey. I’m Mic.”

Shouta stared at him dazedly and licked his lips, feeling drunk and stupid as he stared at the man. “You’re… magic?”

“I suppose you could call me that.”

(Cowboy!Erasermic. Inspired heavily by American Gods and my own love of folk heroes.)

In Your Violence

- “'Mezou frowned, eyes narrowing. “Are you trying to say that you’re scared that I’ll be killed by having faith in you?”

“It would be in your best interest to stay away from me,” Fumikage finally said, his voice falling flat and quiet. “I am destined to be a monster.”

'Mezou gets the call he fears, the one that says that Fumikage has lost control again. But this time it's different, in more ways than one.”

(I listened to Silence by Marshmello until I went insane in this is the result. Featuring some of my super depressing headcanons about Shouji! But it’s not awful.)

My hockey fics that I still like:

Hufflepuff Halfwit

- ““Zhenya, the wind is coming from the west, I will not remind you again. You shut that window before the house stinks of factories!” She snapped and Geno stared at the owl as though maybe it would know what to do. But instead, it had given a little hoot and wiggled inside, only to drop it’s letter on the counter.

He turned his head very slowly back to look at his mother, who had suddenly gone very quiet. “It… just showed up, Mama. And um. It brought a letter.” He waited again, looked back at the owl who had begun to nose at the pirozhkis in interest and then looked back at his mother with the best puppy dog eyes he had ever attempted. “Can I keep it?”

(This is a part of my hockey/Harry Potter au that still legitimately haunts my dreams. It’s basically a Sid/Geno in Hogwarts but I really love the world building I got to do with Koldovstoretz, the Russian school of wizardry. Don’t read ‘On the Word of a Slytherin’ though, I’m not as proud of that one.)

The Prince

- “What the fuck.” Matt breathed out, sitting back heavily onto his hotel bed as he stared at his phone.

‘This is Henrik.’ The text read. ‘I would like to meet you. I will book a room in Pittsburgh at your convenience. Let me know what time will work for you.’ -

(Listen, it’s Henrik Lundqvist/Matt Murray smut, I feel like that is novel and interesting and worth your attention. I wax poetic on goalies in this, as you do.)

The Zoo of Toronto

- “No one missed it when a massive porcupine had shuffled in between the reporters with a single minded focus, pushing media away until it was able to grip onto Phil’s suit pants and try to pull itself up. He hadn’t been able to do more then besides pick the animal up before it could shred his pants to shreds and walk out of the locker room before the decision had been made with the Toronto media.

Phil Kessel was guilty.”

(Not gonna lie, this is probably my favorite of the hockey fics I’ve written. And it’s Phil/Carl, which is never found anymore but it was a good pairing.)

#my writing

55 notes · View notes

whatissleepeven · 4 years

Text

I -

I can't stop thinking about it -

About what, you ask?

An Obey Me! and Fate/Grand Order crossover

(Warning: Long post ahead!)

Either the bois get summoned to Chaldea or they're able to summon Servants themselves

(...I'm leaning towards the first)

The tomfoolery! The shenanigans!

Imagine: Humanity's Last Master (aka you) ends up summoning them as they trek through Rome with Mash and the Servants they already summoned

They set up the summoning circle, but one minor mistake is made and the summoning glow looks a bit darker than usual and BOOM

"S-...Senpai...is this normal?"

You have no idea what's normal or not, I mean you're time travelling to save your people for fucks sake -

"Servant of the Rider Class. My True Name is Lucifer. Do not expect me to cater to your every whim."

...Wait he's a what now??

They were not supposed to have this whole "Class" thing designated to them (it's not how demonic summoning works he swears), and yet they do for some reason

(You can tell I had fun thinking of their Classes)

The introductions are...cold, to say the least

"Saber Class Servant, and none other than The Great Mammon, Avatar of Greed! I got better things to be doing, so don't go calling me whenever ya want, got it?!"

"Lancer Class...Leviathan. I have an mmorpg raid coming up, so I can't stick around."

"Berserker Class. My name is Satan. What? Are you surprised that I seem calm for a Berserker? It's quite alright; I get that reaction often enough. A word of advice: Be careful what you wish for."

"My name is Asmodeus, but you can call me Asmo darling! I'm a Caster, which is good. I can't mess up the work done on my nails and hair!"

"Hm...Oh? Sorry, I was thinking about lunch. Servant Class: Ruler. I'm Beelzebub, but most people call me Beel. Do you have any snacks on you?"

"Servant Class: Avenger. My name is Belphegor, but I doubt you'll be alive long enough to remember that. I won't do your dirty work for you, human."

You are just...done at that point. You are literally carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders and their attitudes are not helping

"Yeah, yeah, here's the gist: there's a war going on and we're trying to save the planet. The future's been incinerated, and it's our job to fix what went wrong. I don't have time for your uncooperation; get on board."

(Mash is worried for your mental health)

It takes some time, but they do manage to open up to you

The main catalyst for this is when they heard you talking to Robin Hood, who was summoned in France

"Say, Master...I gotta ask: Why are you doing this?"

You pause what you're doing, shooting him an incredulous look. "You mean saving the world?" You ask in return.

He shrugs, tilting his head forward in a slight nod. "Yeah. There's other people who could do this, aren't there?"

"There isn't." The brothers hear you say firmly. Beel almost went in because he wanted a snack, but the others held him back; the conversation had peaked their interest, and they wanted to hear what you had to say.

"Robin..." Your voice comes out strained, as if you were barely holding yourself together. "I watched innocent people die in front of me. Good people. The world outside is gone. I can't even go see my family, because they're dead. I'm not expecting you to understand, but it hurts so bad that somedays I don't feel like getting up. If I die, it's all over; humanity's done. I'll never be able to see my family's smiles again, I'll never be able to hear their laughter; I'll...I'll never be able to go back home.

"So, instead of asking why I'm doing this, you should be asking "How far are you willing to go?" instead."

Robin is silent for a while. Mammon shifts on his feet. The Green Archer finally speaks, somber but curious tone filling the air. "And? What's the verdict, Master?"

Your voice has a tone of finality to it that shoots them back to the past, back towards the Celestial War. It's final, but it's tired. "Whatever it takes."

(And, so, the brothers come to understand and even sympathize with your situation a little bit. You had to fight for the sake of others without rest, you were a leader, you were a savior, but most of all...you were alone. And something about that didn't sit right with them.)

They would fit in perfectly with Chaldea's dynamics, actually

Mammon has a gold sword he lovingly calls Goldie (yes it changes into his beloved credit card)

His Noble Phantasm is literally him raising his sword and mountains of Grimm burying his opponents from the sky as he cackles out:

"Don't worry, I'll take all that money off ya hands!"

Or, in a proud declaration:

"My sword is my love, and my love is my sin. I'll take all that you have on ya! STULTUS IN AVARITA!!"

(Translates (from Google) to "Greed of the Fool")

(It also gives you an increased drop rate in materials)

Leviathan's weapon is his trident

He's surprised that he wasn't summoned as a Rider, once he got used to the "Class" thing (which was fairly quick, he's seen an anime like this before). I mean, he has a giant snake named Henry 1.0 and Lothan that he would've loved to fight side by side with

He usually doesn't fight, but he proves to be invaluable in Okeanos since he has knowledge on war strategies at sea

His Noble Phantasm is a bit strange, but endearing (sad). He rushes forward with his trident glowing, saying either:

"I can't get the latest Ruri-chan merch because you blew up the world...I won't forgive you. I can't forgive you!"

Or, in a somber tone:

"Even though it's fun, a gamer's life becomes stifling if you keep playing by yourself. I hope you're watching, (Y/N)! EX SOLA INVIDIA!!"

(Translates (from Google) to "Envy of the Lonely")

(Chance of Death increases with Overcharge, and it hits a single enemy)

Satan? Even though he's a Berserker, he behaves more like a Caster (initially)

He's holding a book that shoots out beams of pure energy at his opponents

His Noble Phantasm is...more violent

"Ah, so you've decided to call upon my Noble Phantasm...don't blame me if it's too much for you."

Or, he begins in a deathly calm voice:

"I am me; that's all I need to be. I know this, so why...? Why does this happen? TELL ME! "

He discards his books altogether, grabbing a single enemy with his bare hands and ripping them to shreds.

Asmo’s skill is charming his enemy, which confuses most people since you’d think it’d be his Noble Phantasm

Instead, it boosts his allies’ attacks and NP by 30%

“Don’t get too hurt out there~!”

Beel’s Noble Phantasm heals all allies and increases their attack

“We can’t fight on an empty stomach.”

(Once he hits his last Ascension, your party gets the added bonus of him attacking a single enemy with a lance. All other Ascensions has him using his fists for attacks.)

Belphie’s Noble Phantasm is almost as violent as Satan’s, and yes...he chokes out a single enemy out (rip MC)

“HA! You think I’d work with the likes of you, a lowly human? Get out of my sight.”

It’s Instant Death, unless Evasion or Invincibility is activated

Lucifer’s pride is a bit wounded. He’s a Rider, of all things??

(...He eventually gets used to it though)

His Noble Phantasm is him literally mounting Cerberus and raising his spear towards the heavens, looking as radiant as the days before the Fall

“It seems drastic times call for drastic measures. Cerberus, I trust you to handle things here.”

And Cerberus runs forth, either chomping the enemy in two or breathing fire at them and turning them into ash. (It hits everyone)

Satan and Jekyll hang out a lot because, well...they’re a lot alike

Mammon can and will do stupid shit with the Cu Squad and you cannot change my mind

One time he teamed up with Cascu to steal the other Cu’s spears (Mammon wanted to sell them on Akuzon), and well...half of Chaldea is still in repair to this day

Merlin of all Servants is the one to look after Belphie and Beel

They usually hang out in the garden Robin tends to, Asterios occasionally joining them while bringing both food and Euryale

Asmo frequently visits Medea, dragging Medusa into their group

(Dantes grows fond of Beel overtime, I mean Beel is just so pure there’s no way you couldn’t like him)

Lucifer and EMIYA butt heads at first, but they end up becoming friends despite that

Lucifer admires EMIYA’s skill to keep up with Servants who have a black hole for a stomach, and EMIYA admires Lucifer’s skill to round up his brothers effortlessly when the need to arises (or so he thinks, because he does not know about the Hate Lucifer Club which is run by Satan and Belphie).

Levi and Fran have a pure kind of friendship that must be protected at all costs

He shows her new animes and games, and even though she’s confused most of the time she never fails to listen to his ramblings, nodding whenit was appropriate

BONUS: Undateables (+ Luke)!

Solomon’s situation is...peculiar.

He’s not a Servant, but he behaves like one??

(He’s actually a mage that helps you on your journey to save humanity)

Unlike Da Vinci, he’s able to accompany you to the Singularities (free of charge, too!)

Once he sees the other Solomon, all he says is “I see...interesting.”

(Ngl he probably figured out everything by the time you all went to Okeanos)

Asmo also drags him into his group (consisting of Medea and Medusa), offering to paint his nails as they talk about anything and everything

Simeon is a Lancer and you can’t change my mind

He’s more of a buffer for your team, like Asmo. His skills are primarily healing, and his NP saps the health of an opponent while healing someone other than himself with that health (he cannot heal himself)

He gets along great with Karna!! The two are so nice and kind that it hurts to look at them both for too long

Solomon tells him about the gossip Asmo has on the other Servants. He always listens with an amused look on his face.

Luke is a smol Caster, but he will not hesitate to break your kneecaps

He, too, is a buffer for your team

“I’ll defend you from those demons, (Y/N)!”

His Noble Phantasm heals all allies, restoring their health by 20%

He bakes with Fsn Cu at night, having Proto Cu and Robin Hood try out his sweets. Beel is there 10/10 times, eating any failures or rejects

Diavolo is Ruler Class because he is literally the Ruler of Hell

Surprisingly (to you, at first), he’s the one who always asks to accompany you. He’s very open and considerate, wanting to help wherever and whenever he can

“The Human Realm is essential if we are to establish harmony between the three Realms. Without it there...angels and demons would fight each other for eternity.”

He tells you about his ideas for an exchange program and you offer him input

His Noble Phantasm is applying Invincibility to two allies for 3 turns after dealing heavy damage to a single enemy (cannot apply Invincibility to himself)

He likes to talk with Caster Gil and Archer Gil about their past, going to Ko Gil on occasion. He helps look after the child Servants, and he can often be found reading bedtime stories to them

(Everyone was scared of him at first once they found out who he was, so he usually held off revealing his True Identity)

Barbatos, at first glance, seems like an Archer...but in reality is an Assassin

(HE CONTROLS TIME FOR F*S SAKE)

His Noble Phantasm, depending on the enemy selected, can revive a fallen ally and add them to the Sub Team

(This is only if the enemy that killed the ally is selected)

This stuns him for 3 turns no matter what

He likes to chat with the Tamamo that helps EMIYA in the kitchen. How the two are communicating without issues is up to anyone’s guess

51 notes · View notes

moonlit-positivity · 3 years

Text

On Suicidal Thoughts/Urges

Suicidal thoughts

For those of us who suffer depression and mental illnesses, it's normal to have disturbing intrusive thoughts. Thoughts that tell us to harm or kill ourselves or even harm or kill others (homicidal ideations), these thoughts are normal. Thoughts are just thoughts- they come and they go; and just because you think something doesn't mean you're going to do it. It just means that you're having a stressful moment and whatever you're dealing with is extremely difficult to get through, so difficult that it's your body's initial response to the stress.

What you can do

- Calm yourself by doing a deep breathing exercise. Square breaths- breathe in to the count of four, hold it for four seconds, breathe out to the count of four, hold it for four seconds, repeat three times- can be a great deep breathing technique to learn.

- Distract yourself by watching a video or tv, coloring, writing how you feel in a journal, drawing a picture of how you feel, crafting, doing a puzzle, blowing bubbles, playing with play doh, ripping paper to shreds, playing with a bouncy ball, squeezing a stress ball, petting an animal, cuddling with a stuffed animal, or talking with a friend. Anything to get your mind off of the intrusive thoughts and onto something else. Take a piece of paper and list things that would help you feel better. (Also I find that keeping my hands busy helps a lot, so play-doh really helped for me.)

- Observe what you are thinking without judging yourself. This is called mindfulness 🌟, and it takes a little work. I learned this technique by affirming myself and saying, "I will not judge myself for how I am feeling right now." Because honestly, you're going through a lot and it's hard. So be easy on yourself. You can't help the fact that your brain sends you these thoughts. Try to receive them free of judgements, and then let them go. Remember: just because you have a thought does not mean you have to act on it.

Urges to Kill Oneself/ Self Harm

Urges are more intense feelings to act on the thought of harming yourself. You may feel so overwhelmed in the moment that you feel it is the only option you have, but my therapist told me something that changed the way I thought about urges: they're just an urge, and urges pass. They don't have to be so scary when you know they're just an urge, and in time will pass just like all emotions do. Again, it has to do with the way our brains have been programmed to respond to stress. For me, it's whenever I'm overwhelmed with intense emotions that I don't know how to deal with. Just knowing that the urge will pass was a huge improvement for me to deal with my suicidal urges. I started telling myself, "it's just an urge, and it will pass." And that got me through the moment.

What you can do

- When you feel an urge coming on, ground yourself using the 54321 method (5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, 1 thing you can taste). Feel your feet on the ground. Bring your body into awareness. It takes a bit of practice to get the hang of, but the more you practice it the better you'll get at it. (My therapist suggests practicing when you're not in a crisis so that you can build experience)

- Remind yourself that this is just an urge and that it will pass. Just because your mind is telling you to harm yourself doesn't mean you have to do it. You can choose how to respond to this situation in a way that makes you feel safe, secure, protected, and in better health.

- Affirm yourself. The number one way to beat suicidal urges is to find the inner strength to live. You must love yourself enough to want to stay alive. You deserve all the happiness in the world. You deserve better coping skills that won't harm you or take away your mental well being. You deserve all the love you won't allow yourself to have. Start telling yourself these things and watch how it changes your life. Give yourself the affirmation you need to live. It's a vital role in defeating suicide. Live, live for you and no one else. You're the only you you have, and you deserve to have good things. If no one has ever told you that before then you have to find it out for yourself. Look deep within yourself and start loving who you are. Give yourself a break when you need it, don't be too hard on yourself, mistakes are mistakes and everybody makes them. Be on your side no matter what. Be your own defense attorney. Be soft and gentle. You deserve so much more. And I know this is hard, easier said than done. But for me, I reached a point where I just couldn't hate myself anymore. I couldn't live like this anymore. I wanted to live, and I wasn't going to let these thoughts control me. I think, innately, people want to live; they just don't know how to cope with the pain and stress they've endured up to this point, and they think the only option they have is death. And that's so wrong. You have options. You ALWAYS have options.

-Make the commitment to live. Remember your reason for living. Take a piece of paper and write down your reason for living. Stick it on your fridge or somewhere visible so you can see it. Everytime you get an urge to harm yourself remember your reason for living. Remember why you chose it and let it empower you to live.

-Grab your favorite coping skill from the list above and have it handy.

I hope this list comes in handy for someone out there. This is basically how I beat my suicidal thoughts and urges, and I really want to share that with the world. Take care of yourselves.

🌺

#suicide prevention #cptsd #recovery #therapy #ptsd #child abuse #codependency #acoa #alcoholism #drug addiction #suicidal thoughts #suicidal urges #self harm #physical abuse #emotional abuse

20 notes · View notes

theunderdogwrites · 3 years

Text

If you have a problem with Cookie Monster, then I have a problem with you.

Someone recently asked me how I come up with things to write about and post. Well, these posts are bona fide dumps of random thoughts that sneak in when I’m not engaging any part of my brain. I love them because they’re unpolished and exactly how my mind endlessly prattles on in conversation with itself. Truth be told, it’s usually in the shower. And the dumping of these words here is comparable to spring cleaning. It helps to declutter the mind too from time to time.

Last week my Mom and I were talking about the recent decision by Dr. Seuss Enterprises to stop publishing six of their books because of racist and insensitive imagery. For all the people screaming out there – THE COMPANY MADE THIS CHOICE. They were not forced by cancel culture, but rather listened and took feedback from audiences including teachers, academics and specialists in the field as part of a review process. This is called being responsible and allowing for growth through intelligent conversations. The company recognizes that certain depictions of Asians and Black people are hurtful and wrong and have taken steps to acknowledge these facts. They are NOT banning these books and have said they’re committed to listening and learning going forward.

Here is the list of the six book titles and the year they were first published:

- And to Think That I Saw It on Mulberry Street (1937)

- McElligot’s Pool (1947)

- If I Ran the Zoo (1950)

- Scrambled Eggs Super! (1953)

- On Beyond Zebra (1955)

- The Cat’s Quizzer (1976)

Have you ever stumbled upon a journal or something you wrote 10 years ago and it made you cringe? Anyone who says NO to this is probably in possession of some of the worst poetry by their hand, in the world. I know that if I was to release some of the stuff I wrote down from a number of years ago (and in reality, some stuff as recent as 3-4 years ago) I’d be embarrassed by their level of absolute lameness. I write with emotion and unless you’re Tucker Carlson or stunted inside from your head to your toes, you know what it means to evolve. It is what we’re supposed to do, otherwise we are simply stuck in one place forever and I for one can’t think of anything more grotesque than remaining the same.

“You are being presented with a choice: evolve or remain. If you choose to remain unchanged, you will be presented with the same challenges, the same routine, the same storms, the same situations, until you learn from them, until you love yourself enough to say “no more”, until you choose change.

If you choose to evolve, you will connect with the strength within you, you will explore what lies outside the comfort zone, you will awaken to love, you will become, you will be. You have everything you need.

Choose to evolve. Choose love.”

Creig Crippen

It is OK to make mistakes, especially when you don’t know any better. Applying how we have grown as a society to the way we behaved 80 years ago is absurd. We are allowed the opportunity to become better before an angry mob comes along and without discussion wants to rip our character to shreds. There are so many chances for real conversations to promote development that are not happening because people are being so quick to condemn and cancel. Fucking stop it! You’re not a crusader. You’re not the moral authority. You are not the Universe’s gift to man/womankind placed here to draw red circles and X’s on every little thing you deem ‘incorrect’. What you are, I suspect, is empty. And I do not know what it is you’re missing, but you won’t find it in a state of ‘over-wokeness’ and tumbling around looking to smite Cookie Monster for passionately enjoying baked goods.

There have been calls to tear down statues and eradicate movies and people for basically what is THE PAST. If you have an actual working time machine, I suppose you can go back to the set of ‘Dirty Harry’ because apparently:

“The film mocks liberal judges and do-gooders, and the villain claims police brutality, planting the seed that other such charges are fake moves to get sympathy.”

I can’t even with that one.

The removal of statues… ok, I understand this one. But I am not of the mind where these statues should be destroyed and essentially erased from history. I am fully onboard with placing the offending bronzed individuals into a museum with a plaque stating something along the lines of: ‘Once upon a time many of us had some crazy fear-based ideas and poor ethics that marginalized large groups of our fellow human beings and created negative stereotypes resulting in a great deal of hurt. We are trying to be better than those placed before you behind the velvet ropes.’

The past cannot be expunged. But it can be a teaching tool. And in some cases, the past can be used to say – “We still suck, but we’re at least trying to evolve into improved people!”

Sadly, instead, we’re taking down Pepé Le Pew. Let’s not believe women when they come forward with claims of sexual abuse, but let’s ban together and get this cartoon skunk with perceived rapist qualities, cancelled. Bravo. Has Pepé Le Pew been a naughty guy? Well, if you break down his actions through the lens of adults – he is incredibly aggressive and borders on being a pervert. I also suspect he’s a chronic masturbater. I grew up watching Looney Tunes (which should surprise NO ONE) and I never liked that skunk. But not because he was overly persistent in his search for love, rather because he was so obnoxious. Worst character on the show. If anything, the French should be offended because I grew up believing all French people were smelly, forceful jerks.

I am flabbergasted at what we are finding urgent and of significance these days. We allow ourselves to become distracted with the stupidest things; revealing exactly where our priorities are placed. Now do not come at me and accuse me of saying racism is not important. Sit your little crusading ass back down because that is not a thought I’d ever possess. This post is not about racism.

I do not give a flying fuck if you hate Megan Markle, love Megan Markle or think Oprah practices her reactionary facial expressions daily in the mirror, but the fact a pregnant woman went on TV in front of MILLIONS of people and admitted to being suicidal while pregnant with her first child and was met with indifference, ridicule and hate… is fucking disgusting.

The mental health status of a pregnant mother is less important than going after Oscar the Grouch from Sesame Street because he is misrepresenting homelessness. Oscar is NOT homeless. He lives in a garbage can and if you knew anything, you’d know that garbage can is spacious and in terms of square footage, it is probably the most expensive home in the neighborhood. See? I can distract with silly things too.

I am going to end all this randomness with a warning…

Victor Frankenstein created his monster from old body parts and strange chemicals and it was brought to life by a mysterious spark. The monster is large and strong but with the intelligence of a newborn. Victor abandons the monster, leaving him confused and when he tries to integrate himself into society, he is shunned. Seeking revenge on his creator, he kills Victor’s younger brother. Then after Victor destroys his work on the female monster meant to ease the monster’s pain and solitude, the monster murders Victor’s best friend and then his new wife.

Ok, I think it is wonderful that our society is taking inventory of certain items and doing our best to right some wrongs… even though I believe many people are being persnickety assholes. But what has been created recently… let’s call it ‘cancel culture’, where “THEY” (please someone tell me who all the THEY people are because I’d like to know who is this organized) seemingly go in search of people, places and things to ostracise… is starting to create a monster of a backlash. (Again, this is not about race/racism so don’t start chirping about white privilege etc.)

If you listen carefully, you can hear the groaning. And the frustration. This isn’t about going after history or childhood memories and bleaching them clean of inappropriateness by today’s standards, it’s about trying to control what people are allowed to think, feel and speak. And the people are getting annoyed. Just like Frankenstein’s Monster when his grotesque appearance wasn’t accepted by society. And we all know what happened next.

#dr seuss #pepe le pew #cancel culture #frankenstiensmonster #oscarthegrouch #megan markle #covid

3 notes · View notes

soldier-poet-king · 4 years

Text

just a whole boatload of frozen 2 spoilers bc i never drink pop except at the movies and i drank so much vanilla coke and now i am hyped up on both emotions AND caffeine and wont sleep til i write it out

was it a perfect movie? no. were there continuity and plot issues like the first one? sure. did it absolutely wrench my heart and touch all my anxieties and insecurities and traumas the same way the first one did? yes and perhaps even MORE so than the first movie

let me first say as a disclaimer i like the first frozen film. sure there are continuity problems and issues with character design and whatever. but i LIKE it. ALOT. the music, the story, the sisters as a focus of it all. people tend to shit on it bc it was SO popular, but just bc it was REALLY popular doesn’t mean it’s bad

ANYWAY here be the LONGEST post but i have too many emotions and too much caffeine so there ya go

things i liked about frozen 2

even MORE focus on a narrative about sibling relationships!!!

the whole ‘we need to rely on each other and apologize to each other and acknowledge everyone’s traumas’ im just???????

they tried to engage with a really sensitive topic re: colonization and i KNOW tumblr will rip it to shreds but i appreciate that they even tried

like the fact that the bad guy straight up was this rich white king?

that he was their grandfather and the girls had to come to terms with it? that though they were in no way at fault or culpable for his actions, it was still the moral and right thing to do to try and build that bridge, to heal those hurts?

that this healing and atonement needs to be done, no matter at the severe personal costs?

i was pleasantly surprised by this

(granted i know almost nothing about scandinavian indigenous history and culture so)

the MUSIC

the COSTUMES i loved the sisters’ various outfits so MUCH

once again it was super personal and touching in a mental health pariah sort of way because elsa is still struggling and pulling away and doesn’t really know how to /be/ (into the unknown) and there’s just this persistent sense of wrongness and fear

because like what happens if you play it safe bc it’s safe and this is who you are and all you’ll ever be but what happens if you try and you fail and you break and destroy yourself in the way everyone expects you to?

show yourself has the same but opposite energy of let it go

once again elsa’s freeing herself but this time it’s not in a negative sort of self hate way but a self fulfillment im okay with myself and ive found a purpose and a place sort of way and let me tell you i CRIED

that it was her MOTHER calling to her??? through time??? to show her essentially that ‘it’s good that she exists’ like dont get me STARTED

it’s HEALING but healing that you’ve worked toward and found on your own, it’s coming home to yourself

really any song with the ‘i am found’ theme is gonna fuckin KILL ME

her arc ended with her happy! i am so glad she gets to heal and be at peace in nature and as a guardian and bridge between her people and nature and magic and it’s just...she gets to grow her own peace

ANNA’S ANXIETY

so kristen bell talked about how anna in this film is having to learn to be around people again, to recover from the traumatic nature of her childhood and she has this caring personality where she cant be alone or she starts to break and she’s so so so afraid of losing these people

and so what happens when she does? how do you move on when youre no longer getting up for someone else? how do you keep going for yourself?

the concept of ‘the next right thing’ is REVOLUTIONARY for someone like me and i spent that entire scene bawling from grief and from hope

and also just because my whole existential dread? my whole search for meaning? my whole i NEED to be doing good but i cant see what that is? i keep telling ymself it’s small little daily kindnesses, the next right thing

I won't look too far ahead It's too much for me to take But break it down to this next breath This next step This next choice is one that I can make

So I'll walk through this nightStumbling blindly toward the light

KRISTOFF’S FRICKIN BOY BAND NUMBER WAS HILARIOUS and it’s what jonathan groff deserves

i actually??? didnt want to strangle olaf for the entirety of this film?? like he was still a bit irritating but his existential dread? his whole ‘how do i grow up and come to terms with the absurdity of human existence’ like??? oh man??? i know it’s not That Deep but im a big fan of ‘but it COULD be’

i normally dont like pop covers of disney songs but brendon urie HAS THE RANGE

MATTHIAS okay i am a SUCKER for kind captian of the guard surrogate father figures and so like i know he was a secondary character but im SO SOFT

also speaking of soft men?? kristoff??? sweet angel??

‘im here. it’s okay. what do you need?’

FIND ME A SAFE MAN. WHERE ARE THEY???

olaf’s entire recap of the previous movie scene

when they found their parents’ ship and elsa blames herself???? peak me behaviour

things i didnt like

still some issues with continuity like how tf was their mom supposed to be actually one of the indigenous peoples- i get they wanted to do the colonialization plotline but they could’ve done it w/out retconning her in a way that doesnt make sense??????

arendelle was saved? i think it would’ve been more narratively satisfying and impactful if breaking the dam and saving the forest and spirits involved sacrificing their (physical) kingdom - so that rebuilding these bridges involved literal physical rebuilding

there was i think too much going on thematically in the narrative for such a short movie so had they focused more on one or two threads it could’ve been more satisfyingly done but also im an emotional baby so it’s not like i still didn’t enjoy myself

elsa and olaf were maybe i heard supposed to stay dead in the og script which wouldve been devastating (i need elsa to grow her own peace it is so important to me) but also it would’ve been narratively satisfying if they had, at least for anna’s arc of learning to live for herself and ‘the next right thing’

there are certainly other things im forgetting but the caffeine crash is upon me

#frozen 2 spoilers #frozen 2 #frozen spoilers #spoilers #IM A BIG DUMB EMOTIONAL BABY #I HAD WEIRD DONNA TARTT DREAMS AND THEN ISSUES WITH MY STUDENTS #AND THEN I HAD EMOTIONS WATCHING MORE CR WITH NOTT/YEZA #AND THEN THIS #OH BOY I AM ....A MESS

43 notes · View notes

imbruedinfear-a · 3 years

Text

@undeadrphub asked: ALL OF THEM FOR JAY

🍍 : how comfortable is my muse in their body? how do they feel about their height, weight, strength, and body type? how important is being attractive to them?

this man would kill to be taller in .0002 seconds if he could. he was bullied for his height, bullied for being severely underweight, bullied for feminine hips, for.. literally anything. he hates it all. as an adult, he’s managed to pull himself out of the underweight category, but it’s solely from muscle. he’s still incredibly thin and small, just as he’s always been. you can’t get him to be comfortable without an oversized hoodie to hide in. he vaguely cares about being attractive, but it’s more ‘i don’t want them to be embarrassed to be hanging out with someone as fucking ugly as i am’ than anything else. if he’s not working or going out with people, he won’t even think of trying to improve appearance.

🍅 : how does my muse feel about plastic / cosmetic surgeries & procedures? is it something they have done or would do? do they mind if others do it?

dislike. who the fuck cares about their appearance that much? granted, he’s had a nose job, but it was so he could still fucking breathe rather than cosmetics. he won’t dislike you as a person for it, but he’s going to instantly find you unappealing. it just bothers him for some reason.

🍏 : how stable is my muse’s physical health? do they go for regular or semi-regular checkups by a physician? do they have any diagnosed illnesses and / or take any medication? how often do they get sick?

stability whomst? he has two modes of health: sick once a year or sick every other week. it depends on how much food he’s been eating and whether or not he’s blown food money on beer. fuck doctors. his overall health is fucked. doctors cannot explain why he doesn’t have x problems and how he’s even still alive after all of the beatings he’s had, especially when it comes to the brain damage. he has seizures, sometimes an arm will stop working for a bit, sometimes he can’t hold anything, sometimes he’ll have a burst of amnesia. he’s a medical mystery to the point there are literal scientific articles on his case, and 98% of the time if he lands in the hospital for something they’ll just shrug it off. it’s gotten to the point he’ll break bones and still not go, because he learned how to fix that fucking problem himself when he was like 12.

🍎 : how stable is my muse’s mental health? have they been diagnosed with any mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they have any undiagnosed mental illnesses and / or conditions? do they or should they attend therapy?

:^) he’s gotten away with murder ( though it was self-defense ) through the insanity claim, which is actually really fucking hard to use. that should give you an idea of his scores on mental exams. but again, he has brain damage, and every single psych he’s ever interacted with has mentioned that they can no longer determine what’s an actual mental illness or what’s just his brain being physically unable to function correctly. he’s never been to therapy, but he’s been tested several times. his scores changed every time, for every section. the only thing anyone’s certain on is PTSD. Depression, Borderline Personality Disorder, Dissociative Identity Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder, General Anxiety Disorder, Obsessive-Compulsive Personality Disorder, and Schizophrenia have been heavily considered, but even professionals argue with each other. he’s a medical mystery even in mental health. he needs therapy, but his disorders make him extremely avoidant of it. that is not to say everything i listed is true, nor is it to say there isn’t anything unlisted here.

🍑 : how meticulously does my muse look after their physical appearance? do they spend a lot of time on their hair, makeup, grooming, and clothing? is there a particular reason why they do or don’t?

oof. how anxious is he? if he’s anxious, he’ll fix himself 1000x times. if he’s not doing anything special, he’ll walk out the door without a second thought. he doesn’t spend a lot of time on anything, but he does make sure he’s well groomed and put together. it should be noted, though, he doesn’t look in the mirror. his own apartment doesn’t have one, and he avoids public restrooms like the plague. his own reflection is a fucking trigger. this is probably why his eyeliner is always smudged.

🍒 : how much does my muse value companionship? do they constantly keep people around them, or do they prefer to be alone often? do they have or desire to have many friends? do they see every meeting as an opportunity to make a new friend?

confusing as fuck. he’s lonely as hell and constantly wants to hangout with people, but he also will have periods of avoiding them like the fucking plague. he loves hanging out! he fucking hates being out! who knows! for the most part, he has a lot of friends in a lot of places and will gladly drink with any group of strangers, but he’ll yeet the fuck out if you try actually getting close to him. he’s alone, always, at home and only around people when working or getting fucked up. having other people around too often, like a roommate perhaps, will make his mental health act the fuck up.

🍇 : how would my muse describe their childhood? how much has it impacted the person they are now, or will become as an adult? around what age did they or will they start to mature, and why? do they wish to go back to their days as a child, or have they embraced adulthood?

in his words, it was a great big pile of horseshit on fire. he literally has brain damage from it. he can’t leave his own room without convincing himself it’s going to be his living room, not his childhood home, and sometimes he’ll open the bedroom door and see his father standing there, and then he’ll fucking yeet back into bed. obviously it’s impacted him just a smidge. definitely not full of self-hatred and constantly fighting himself to do shit he likes, absolutely most definitely not traumatized in a million forms and continues to trigger himself because how the fuck do you go about your day not panicking half of the time. IN OTHER WORDS, he was a fucking parent to his brother when he was only 4, he would rather die in the most slow, most painful death than return to childhood. is he even still alive bc he doesn’t know

🍐 : how intelligent is my muse overall? are they smarter than the average person, or less than? are they primarily self-taught, or did they acquire most of their knowledge in school? are they more street smart or book smart?

if you knew him before his skull was caved in, you would call him a freak for how fast he could think and solve problems. he was the type of genius you’d only heard about in stories, and he pissed off his teachers because he never even needed to be taught. show him the super simple problem once and he knew how to do everything for the next three weeks. he grew up on the streets and read shakespeare for fun. he lost it all. it now only shows rarely, on really good days, when the stars want to align.

🍉 : which of the four seasons suits my muse best, and why?

summer. he literally lived outside most of the time since he was a kid, and summer nights were easiest. outdoor concerts, parties late at night, cookouts and campfires. he also loves storms.

🍌 : is my muse inclined to help others, or will they only do it when it benefits them, if at all? what makes them this way? has it ever gotten them into trouble, or inconvenienced them?

which personality is showing most at the time? he’s gotten accused of rape for helping a woman once. let that sink in. but also, he’s helped so many people he’s protected by half the city’s underworld. who knows.

🍊 : does my muse desire romance? is it something they would actively seek out, or prefer to happen more ‘ naturally? ’ what is their love life like? do they have any exes or past flings, or crushes?

o k a y listen. these r getting too hard i literally don’t know ok can i asked which disorder or which personality is showing most at the time for this bc IT CHANGES like everything always does. mostly, he’s,, weird. he actively seeks it out in the sense he’ll go on dates regularly, but he’s not actually trying to find a girlfriend. he’s carefree. also traumatized. really wanted romance until his heart was ripped to shreds and now he’s convinced himself he’s not lovable, too complicated, extremely undesirable, and especially undeserving of it. he won’t let it happen. no one should have to suffer by having to deal with him. if you’re including things that were just for fun and both parties knew it wasn’t serious, he’s had a few girlfriends. if we’re only including serious things, then he’s only had (1) serious boyfriend. They were together for nearly two years, and they split solely because Jeremiah a) didn’t want sex as much and b) didn’t want to try any kinks. def no trauma from that, absolutely doesn’t panic abt not being good enough or wanting it enough or being pleasing or being fun or attractive or too scarred. nope. also totally doesn’t do shit he doesn’t even like / triggers him just bc they want it gotta give it to them. perfectly fuckin’ fine after one relationship.

🍓 : how is my muse typically seen by others? does it ring true to who they really are? does their reputation matter to them?

our options: 1) aggressive 2) smooth n flirty 3) soft n adorable. he is all of the above. if you’re from the city and connected to the drug world at all, there’s a big ass chance you’re aware he was a major dealer at one point, the son of a psycho serial killer, and connected to damn near every gang in some way. there are few people who would be stupid enough to hurt him, just because there’s probably some member somewhere who’s going to get revenge for it. his rep is pretty positive if ur aware he basically turned the outskirts of the city from a shithole to a really good community. otherwise, u probably just think ‘criminally insane deliquent’. he doesnt rly care about it unless u start asking about his fucking dad.

🥝 : does my muse have any ‘ unusual ’ habits, interests, and / or talents? do they hide it, or are they proud of it?

b r u h i dont fuckin know im skipping this one, he’s just obsessive compulsive about the oddest things

🍋 : what kind of diet does my muse have? do they eat regularly, or the standard 2-3 meals a day? do they have to be reminded to eat, or are they likely to remind others? do they cook, or have others cook for them? do they eat healthily, or not so much?

no diet. no food. eat if money, starve if none. remember to eat who?? o u mean eat everything. who fucking knows. he can cook really well, sometimes, maybe. pizza and taco bell 4 life. fuck vegetables. fruits are delicious and to be treasured. he mostly eats like shit, if he eats at all.

🥭 : how important to my muse is their hometown, or where they’re from? are they proud of it, or considered a hometown hero? did they move away, or do they wish to?

none. no fucks given. still here bc no money to move. would happily fuck off to Paris or something.

#undeadrphub #( Some days I live in fear that I am every fucking thing I hate. || Jeremiah Headcanon )

1 note · View note

jadejaw · 4 years

Text

before i go ima talk about bruce’s physiology before the hu.lk bc i came up with a good idea for it. also it was in part influenced by this video. this is just a big long post about bruce’s body : how it’s responded to transformations over the years, what’s changed in him, how he reacts in general, etc.

before the hu.lk, bruce was a lot skinnier and frail. he wasn’t a well built dude, ate like a bird. he was rail thin and some people did not hesitate to point that out ( esp thunderbolt ross ), given he was of pretty average height but underweight. canon has him listed at 128lbs at 5′10″ ——— that’s wild for a man in his 40s. he’s settled for me at 5′9″ since it’s between my FC and the canon’s height, but his weight is always changing.

post green boy, the spikes in his body grew to insane amounts. it’s proven that anger specifically ( and this isn’t even counting rapid mutation ) causes all sorts of shit, between responses in your brain ( the heightened breathing or tensing muscles and heart pumping and etc. that are more specific to situations and temporary / also micro responses ) to chemicals released that give you more subconscious responses. now, these are all normal ——— but bruce’s is ascended like over hundreds - fold, and not only that, it’s a hell of a lot more common. it’s extremely heavy stress and strain on a body.

i’m putting this right here : bruce cannot recover from things in a heightened state. what i mean by that is he doesn’t heal faster than normal when he’s just bruce. he heal and recovers from anything as any human would. injuries, whatever ——— he has vulnerability the longer he is outside of a hulk transformation. he may have slightly heightened states when he’s just come out of transformations, but he doesn’t wildly recover from things any faster than anyone else just normally. a lot of his ailments are completely unseen because he gets hurt, he hulks out. this is important in the the next few portions.

in the beginning and during certain other comic runs, bruce was himself during the day and transformed whenever the sun went down. he occasionally reverts back to these timed changes whenever he has lapses of control. given the hulk transformations happened every night, his body would shred itself. pumping full of adrenaline, a million other responses that required 100% of him, his body literally increasing so massively that his metabolism can’t even eat up enough to make up for all the activity and reactions and etc. so what happens ? it rips bruce apart, primarily in regard to his health. but that’s the thing : hulk recovers from everything. he’s in a cycle of his cells mutating to cure whatever ails him while his body is periodically being ravaged again by violent and unusual chemical imbalances. bruce himself is shown in the comics being injured or even murdered during the day, during his time, and won’t recover until hulk wakes up.

the most obvious and short-n-sweet takeaway from this : he has to eat asstons whenever he transforms a lot and do quite a bit to take care of himself. he needs to fucking relax. a few times of him transforming ? he’s usually good, he can make up the hulk losses in somewhat larger meals and eating the right stuff. hydrating, etc. he’s grown accustomed to this strain and he knows it’ll never be perfect trying to manage, it’s going to happen one way or another. sleep is also so important. he honestly just needs time to cooldown from it and get better. the radiation in his body will slowly react and repair everything else.

as many transformations as he did whenever he was first turning frequently ? he was sick, man. the only reason he didn’t run himself dry was because of the frequency, cuz hu.lk can adapt to anything. the hu.lk’s body was adapting to all of the weaknesses it was applying to bruce’s body by the time he transformed again. he gained more mass, grew a bit more physically, more muscle ( not extreme, he didn’t bulk up or anything. he was unhealthy before and became healthier tbh. he’s still got that dad bod ). his body sorta gradually rebuilt itself accordingly and to a prime standard. his body grew healthier just by adapting to the drastic changes that were suddenly occurring, but his mental state was becoming pretty manic from the constant pain, lapses in memories, etc. there was so much going on, and even though at the end of the day he would be alright, the strain was immense. hu.lk’s physiology was directly beginning to morph banner’s, and while the changes weren’t drastic, they’re noticeable to anyone who knew him before. he’s a bit healthier ( sometimes, depends on the period of time really ). his body generates heat far more easily ( it didn’t so much before, he used to be an awful bit colder ). big takeaway ? bruce’s body is different post - hulk than it was before it, in a surprisingly more stable way, but the means aren’t very forgiving.

#ooo he's peekin #this is not a meta on how his transformations happen or what they came from #that'll be separate #and probably just a really big rant frankly #we'll see if i do that tonight or what #but this is more particular to bruce rather than focusing on hulk the whole thing #⌐ ∘ but the world ended up changing me instead. ′ b: fact.#this is an old meta i wrote a while ago and cleaned up and rewrote parts of #not super crucial but #important nonetheless

2 notes · View notes

sunsetscurving · 5 years

Text

CHASING STARS

Ch. 9

ao3 link

In a world where reincarnation is common and expected, people stopped to care for a reason or how many times they already lived – they have no memory of their past life anymore.

But Lucas Lallemant can feel that this isn’t his first life, some shreds of his former life still present in his new one. He has this feeling that something from his past life tied him so much to it that he has to find it again in his new life.

Something. Or someone.

TW: mental health

Lucas sometimes hated it to be the son of a famous politician, his every step being watched from some kind of media.

But on evenings like this, he enjoyed it.

The hall was big and full of people by now, the dinner part being already over and the first drinks were being served. Lucas was standing next to his parents for now, his hands buried into the pockets of his suit trousers, his tie already coming a bit loose from fumbling too much with it. He owned some suits and although he nearly always wore joggers and a sweatshirt, feeling comfortable with these kind of clothes the most, he also felt good in a good black suit from time to time.

Lucas was usually not the kind of son who was acting as a representative, smiling at strangers and shaking hands till his wrist was hurting. But he did it tonight because he knew what would come after it: The time of his life with his friends while all the adults were too drunk to even notice that the boys were drinking more and more of the fancy and expensive wine.

“Don’t exaggerate it today, young man”, said his mum now, leaning down to him so that the illustrious guest of his father wouldn’t hear her. And Lucas only smirked, laying a hand on the arm of his mum.

“I was not the one who danced on the tables on our last party”, said Lucas equally quiet and his mother huffed a laugh, slightly ruffling through his hair. He had a good relationship to his mum who always wanted the best for him. It was sometimes difficult, having over protective parents. But at least he had a family who loved him. And that was enough for him.

Lucas had been starting to look around for a few minutes now, searching. Usually he only waited desperately for his friends to arrive. But today… he waited for another person. Lucas ran a hand through his hair instinctively, plucking on his suit so it may look good.

He didn’t want to look for no one in particular, of course.

“When will your friends arrive, Lucas?”, asked his father now, turning his head into the direction of his son. Lucas jumped a bit, his dad pulling him out of his thoughts with his words. It wasn’t always easy with his dad, but since he lost control one time and Lucas did not just stood by and watched the whole scene, he tried to behave. But since that faithful day, things had been… difficult between the two of them.

But Lucas wouldn’t do a thing differently.

He would always protect his mum, no matter what it would cost and if he had to hurt his own dad to do so.

“I think they have to come any minute by—”

“LULU!”

Lucas started to grin before turning around. Other guests were also turning around, shaking their heads at the three young adults doing weird dances in the entrance to the hall now, gaining every attention through that.

Speaking of the devil…

“Don’t blame me, Lucas”, said his father now seriously, a warning undertone in his voice. And Lucas only nodded, not wanting to talk with his father about his behavior just now.

“See you”, he said while kissing the cheek from his mum and rushing over to his friends who just entered the big hall.

“Hey, hey, hey”, said Lucas with a laugh and greeted all of them with their usual handshake. Yann, Arthur and Basile were wearing suits too, they would only stick out more than they already did otherwise and since they’ve been to countless parties of these kind before, they got used to looking all fancy.

“Thank you for inviting us”, said Arthur now and looked around, taking in the decorations and the snooty people who were already watching the young generation kind of annoyed.

“Am I imagining things or did they all got even more stuck-up?”

Lucas laughed and ran a hand through his hair, pulling his friends towards the bar where all of the alcohol already waited for them.

“Nope, you’re absolutely right. I would fucking die out of boredom if it wasn’t for you guys.”

“Always at your service, monsieur Lallemant”, said Yann now with a mocking bow and Lucas drove his elbow into the rips of the other one, making him double over with a laugh.

“You can be glad that I still invite you. That my parents still don’t have enough from you.”

“They can also be glad that some life comes in this funeral-like party”, said Basile now and wrinkled his nose while watching the old gentlemen and ladies.

They arrived in front of the bar now, Lucas leaning against the counter with a grin. All of them were now old enough that no one could tell them when to stop. And at parties like this, no one wanted to stop.

“Gentlemen, are you ready for a good party?”

Lucas was greeted with a loud howl before the first glasses were passed around and the party finally really started.

“I’ve invited Eliott.”

Lucas already lost count of how many glasses of wine they already had. He was not drunk yet, only the dull feeling inside his head was already there, blurring out the other people around him who were still looking at them with judgement in their eyes.

Lucas couldn’t care less.

The DJ finally started to put on some good music, Lucas and his friends being the first on the dance floor and the mood finally started to get a bit lighter, some adults already drunk as fuck. But Lucas wanted at least to stay a little bit sober. He couldn’t take his mind away from imagining Eliott in a suit. With his messy hair and his grey-blue eyes and they would maybe dance together and…

“You did what?!”

Yann was screaming loudly over the music, already a little tipsy while downing another glass of wine.

“I invited Eliott. He should be here any second from now on.”

“This is the worst idea you ever had”, slurred Basile, already being totally wasted. Lucas didn’t know how one could get so drunk in that little time. But Basile always surprised him again and again.

Lucas sighed deeply, leaning against the wall behind them. They were currently taking a break from dancing, Lucas’ hair already sticking slightly to his forehead and he drove his hands through them furiously. The bass was vibrating to his veins and Lucas was once again really fucking happy that his phonophobia was not triggered by loud music.

“You have no idea how he really is.”

“Enlighten us”, said Arthur now, raising his eyebrows in anticipation.

“He is cute and really gentle and we nearly kissed and…”

“Woah, woah, woah, hold on a second, lover boy”, said Yann now, his eyes widened in shock, “You nearly kissed him?!”

“That’s what I said.”

“God, Lulu, you’re hopelessly in love.”

Lucas froze, staring at Yann now.

“What?”

“You’re in love, Lulu. No warning from our side can help you anymore”, said Arthur dramatically, leaning against Yann as if he needed support because of all the terrible things he just learned, “It’s helpless guys, we failed.”

Lucas rolled his eyes now at the dramatic shit Arthur was talking. Basile wasn’t even paying attention anymore, snatching the glass from Lucas’ and emptied it one go.

“Don’t be stupid. I am not—”

“Hey. I—"

Lucas swirled around and nearly stumbled over his own feet as he saw who was standing in front of him. Eliott stopped in his sentence, his lips slightly parting as he took Lucas in while his eyes seemed to widen more and more at the young man he saw in front of him.

“Hey”, said Lucas, clearing his throat now, his heart beating faster again. It became a habit now, it seemed.

God, please, he didn’t overheard that conversation, didn’t he?

But Eliott didn’t seem to care or to hear him or to even react at all.

“Fuck.”

Lucas frowned as this word escaped Eliott’s mouth, the word actually being a huff of breath. His gaze was now wandering from Lucas’ feet up to his legs, to his chest till Eliott found Lucas’ eyes again. Lucas was completely confused, looking down at himself now. Did Eliott think he looked ridiculous?

“Um…”

And the insecurity in Lucas’ voice seemed to snap Eliott out of whatever state he was currently in. He shook his head lightly, a smile appearing on his lips now.

“I—Sorry, I – I was elsewhere with my mind”, said Eliott now while biting his lips, still looking at Lucas with that expression in his eyes Lucas couldn’t quite name.

Lucas laughed a bit nervously, aware that all of his friends were watching them.

“I’m glad you came”, said Lucas now quietly, taking one step towards Eliott. The other boy looked down on Lucas, one of the most purest smiles Lucas had ever seen on his lips.

“How could I decline your invitation? Maybe I will end up like the pole in front of my house then.”

Lucas laughed quietly, producing a smile on Eliott’s lips with this too.

Fuck, he looks absolutely beautiful.

Eliott was wearing a black suit with a burgundy tie, his hair as messy as usual. The suit looked like he was made exactly for him and Lucas didn’t had to take a look around to see that a lot of females in this room where staring at the beautiful boy in front of him.

“So… You already know my friends, right?”

Eliott nodded, smiling at all of them.

“So, to clarify some things: No, I’m not a vampire. Yes, I murdered half a dozen of people. No, I will not study my whole life on the college. And yes, I do care for Lucas and won’t kidnap him.”

Yann, Arthur and Basile were staring at him with an open mouth, Lucas looking absolutely shocked. The air between them was tight, the mood could switch to a very, very bad level in any second.

But suddenly, Yann laughed.

Lucas’ jaw dropped.

Yann was now taking a step towards Eliott, grinning at him and poking him in the chest.

“We only wanted to keep Lucas away from you because we thought you were creepy. Turns out that you’re even more creepy than we thought”, said Yann while laughing and handing Eliott a glass of wine, “Since it’s too late to keep our dreamer boy away from you, I will try to arrange myself with you and your given creepiness.”

“Thank you, I really appreciate that”, said Eliott with a grin on his lips.

And Lucas couldn’t quite believe what had just happened.

Did his friends suddenly start to accept his crush out of nowhere? Did his friends suddenly accommodated Eliott into their gang?

Maybe it was only the influence of the alcohol, maybe it was the hot air inside the hall. But Arthur, Basile and Yann were suddenly gathering around Eliott, talking with him, laughing with him.

And Lucas was standing there, smiling like an idiot.

Because his friends finally seemed to understand what Lucas could see in Eliott what others couldn’t see.

“Well, after we all shared our deepest secrets and confessed our true love to each other”, started Arthur with a grin before lifting his glass, “It’s time to get this party really started.”

And Lucas couldn’t help but join the others in their laughter.

The alcohol level in the whole hall was rising with every second. A lot of the grown-ups already lost control, dancing the night away or embarrassing themselves in front of their oh-so-fancy friends. Tomorrow, the newspapers would be full with scandals and stories about this event and Lucas couldn’t wait to read all of them.

Right now, he was living his best life.

Yann, Arthur and Basile were already totally wasted, holding themselves up with the help from the others while trying to dance without falling down every second. Lucas couldn’t stop laughing at Basile trying to stand up from the floor, screaming for help from others while laughing so much that he was already crying. These were the moments you would never forget in your life.

Lucas wasn’t that drunk today.

But only to enjoy the moments he had with Eliott.

Eliott seemed to feel comfortable in their surroundings, dancing with his friends. The best thing on this evening were the little, nearly unintentional touches from Eliott. A hand on his waist, fingers brushing his own, his lips touching Lucas’ ears whenever he tried to say something to Lucas over the loud music. Lucas’ skin seemed to be alive even more whenever Eliott touched him and he came to a point, where everything he wanted was to be alone with Eliott.

“We’re gonna get some fresh air”, slurred Yann while holding Basile upright who looked like he was about to throw up.

“I think I might be sick”, murmured Basile and Lucas shooed all of them out, telling them to get the hell out of here and to throw up outside. His parents would never forgive them if one of his friends threw up in the hall and to be honest, Lucas could understand their anger.

“Don’t forget to hold Basile’s hair out of his face, okay?”, said Lucas laughing while Arthur dismissed him lazily, being the one who was still a tiny bit the master over his own senses.

“Try not to make out that much, there will be enough pictures of you getting wasted in the social media channels already without you sticking your tongue into a pretty boy”, called Arthur and followed Yann and Basile out of the hall. And Lucas was glad that it was too dark for Eliott to see him blushing.

Eliott didn’t seem to be embarrassed at all, laughing and looking after the boys who were stumbling out of the hall.

“I like your friends.”

“Yeah? I hate them sometimes”, said Lucas with a tiny laugh, suddenly being all nervous.

“Who doesn’t”, said Eliott with a wink and Lucas could feel his knees getting weak at that. Suddenly, the music changed from an up-beat song to a slow ballade. And Lucas could feel his heart beating frantically in his chest. Eliott was taking a step closer to him, now laying his hand on Lucas’ waist and pulling him to him with that. Lucas gasped silently, laying his hands on the broad chest of Eliott while his mouth was getting dry. Lucas felt like he totally sobered up, taking everything in with every sense of his being.

“May I ask for this dance, monsieur Lallemant?”

“You may”, whispered Lucas.

And then, they danced.

Lucas felt like he belonged here. In Eliott’s arms. Like he always belonged there. Their bodies seemed to become one, the both of them swaying lightly on their feet while the music wrapped itself around them. Lucas couldn’t stop staring into Eliott’s eyes, some kind of fire dancing in them. The blue light from the spotlights made his eyes look even more intense, making his jawbones and cheekbones standing out.

“You look good tonight”, murmured Eliott after a while, his thumb rubbing little circles over Lucas’ waist.

“You do too.”

“I only bought this suit for you. I wanted to look decent next to you.”

“You look way more better than me”, said Lucas with a quiet laugh, shifting even closer to Eliott. He couldn’t get enough of the other one being close to him, the feeling being more intense than any high he got from any drug.

“I personally don’t think so.”

Lucas smiled at that because he just felt that Eliott meant this in the most honest way ever. And he felt flattered. Desirable. Good. Perfect.

Lucas closed his eyes now, laying his cheek against Eliott’s shoulder, breathing the other one in. Eliott laid an arm around Lucas now, pulling him even closer and Lucas couldn’t be happier in this moment.

But suddenly, the music changed again to a faster song, the beautiful moment over way too soon. They stopped with their swaying, standing like this for some more moments before Eliott broke apart from Lucas.

“I’m gonna get us something to drink, okay?”

Lucas nodded with a smile. “Okay.”

“Don’t run away, biker boy.”

Lucas laughed silently at this, stretching his arms wide as Eliott was backing away from him, his eyes never leaving his face.

“I’m gonna stay right here.”

Eliott laughed his beautiful laugh and turned around now, disappearing in the crowd of dancing people. Lucas smiled to himself, being all happy.

Being all happy and in love.

Fuck, did I really feel in love with that artist boy…?

No one ever made him feel the things Eliot made him feel. The blind trust, the feeling of being at home whenever he was with him, this deep connection which was there before they even had one proper talk and…

Boom.

And suddenly, the mood shifted.

Lucas jumped at that explosive noise, the tiny hair on his neck rising as his heart started to beat painfully fast against his ribcage.

What the fuck is happening?

Boom.

“He has a gun!”

And with that, panic was starting to spread like a fire under the dancing people. Screams erupted from several places in the hall while people started to run away, tripping over their own feet and Lucas felt the panic inside him rising uncontrollable.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuc—

Another loud noise made him go into a crouch, pressing his hands over his ears instead of running to the nearest entrance. Lucas was paralyzed with fear, his phonophobia followed by a panic attack hitting in really fucking hard.

This is not happening, this is not happening…

His eyes were darting around the room. He had to get out of here. Lucas was slowly getting up again, taking some steps on his own but people were not paying attention for others anymore – they only wanted to save themselves now, the need to get out of the danger being so high that they didn’t realize Lucas trying to fight his way through all of this.

Help.

He couldn’t even open his mouth anymore. Lucas was breathing heavily by now, panting, hyperventilating.

Too loud, too loud, too—

Someone was bumping into him and Lucas, being already a little drunk and paralyzed from his fear, lost his footing and went down on the floor.

And people didn’t seem to see him. No one tried to help him up, no one even tried to get out of his way. They kept literally walking over him, Lucas having no chance to get up again.

Boom.

Someone was shooting. Again and again and again.

People would die tonight.

His parents.

Yann, Arthur, Basile.

Eliott.

Lucas pressed his palms to his ears now, trying to block out the noises and to calm the fuck down again while he was being hit by several feet, the guest from his father’s party trying desperately to get out of here. Tears were streaming down his face and his mouth opened in a silent scream.

Lucas was so afraid like he never was before in his life.

I’m dying without having kissed him.

#HERE COMES THE FEELS TRAIN MY FRIENDS #this chapter is an emotional rollercoaster #just saying #i hope you like it!!!#gimme all the feedback #skam france #lucas lallemant #eliott demaury #skam france fanfic #skam france fanfiction #elu fic #elu fanfic #chasing stars ff

57 notes · View notes

yeats-infection · 5 years

Note

if you have time & you don't mind, i'd love to read an explanation of graham coxon & damon albarn's relationship like the one you wrote on bradford & lockett a while ago ... started listening to blur from your reblogs & i love their music, but i don't know much about their relationship or the band in general or really any of the context surrounding their songs. all your tags have me so INTRIGUED. don't worry if this is a big ask; & i hope the new yr is treating you well!

thank you for asking anon. i hope i can do this medium justice. i could say many of the same things i said in my deerhunter post! their partnership and friendship is the core of the band and is why they are the band they are and why they’re so good! they are proof that friendship is the most powerful force in the world!

putting this behind a cut because i got carried away. this also became a primer on Why I Love Blur and Why I Think They Are Special. but i feel like this isn’t even the half of how i feel.

something i would do if you have a free day and feel like torturing yourself is read all the blur interviews from the nineties that are scanned and linked here (bless the people who operate this website). the more contemporary ones from after their reunion are usually very charming. the ones from 1999-2002 are invariably Extraordinarily Sad. the ones from 1995-8 are often Borderline Journalistically Irresponsible. and the ones from before 1995 run the gamut from hysterically funny to guaranteed to fill you with extreme concern for the mental health of everybody involved.

here is one of my favorites of those interviews which goes into the story behind every song they had released until 1995. made me appreciate a lot of the leisure demos even more

here they are in an interview in 1994.... why don’t music magazines do a “best friends” issue anymore ( / why are there no music magazines anymore)... this is one of the first interviews i read with them and it picked up a piece of my brain and moved it. there is... so much in here...

this is my other favorite, from 1996... though it is kind of painful to read in many ways and is indicative of an Extremely Bad Time...

the Long Story Short (ish): they were childhood friends and started playing music together before they were teenagers, damon moved to london to be with graham who was at art school, they started the band which became blur with alex and dave. they started off sounding like the stone roses’ “fools gold” because that was the Sound of the Moment. they then pivoted their entire sound and vibe for almost every album. it is the constant pivoting i think that makes them such a mind-boggling band to me. it’s amazing when any artist reinvents their sound and tries something new because it is such an incredibly risky thing to do. it’s basically unimaginable to me that they did this multiple times in incredibly severe degrees as one of the biggest pop bands in the world whose sound was already kind of a weirdo outlier. and they did much of the pivoting so that they wouldn’t be pigeonholed, and so they could stay true to themselves and each other. like, WHO in our modern musical atmosphere would go from an album with this song on it to ONE YEAR LATER an album with this song on it?????

ANYWAY:

pivot #1 was to become Violently British in response to disastrously touring america around the explosion of grunge, following which they made modern life is rubbish even as their label told them it would be “artistic suicide”

pivot #2 was when they made parklife and invented britpop. this album was a Big Deal. they literally created an entire genre and scene and vibe to fit what they were doing and then wrecked it.

[ they did not pivot on the great escape which is a much maligned album but which has some truly Great Songs. the first single from this album is “country house” which was the subject of a press-manufactured chart battle with “roll with it” by oasis, which became “the battle of britpop” which in itself is was a kind of proxy standoff about class and the kind of north/south tension i am not qualified to discuss as an american. “country house” made it to #1 and graham showed up extremely distraught at damon’s soccer game to tell him and then later that night at a party tried to jump out a window. they hated being famous and had gotten really tired of making and playing “chirpy songs” when it wasn’t how they were feeling. graham wrote a letter to damon telling him that he wanted to make music “to scare people again.” HENCE: ]

pivot #3 is for the s/t in which you can literally feel the sensation of damon getting into pavement so that graham won’t leave the band. my favorite blur song maybe is “country sad ballad man” which has extreme pavement energy. the guitar under the vocal is insane alchemic perfection. also very meta in that it’s about being a washed up rock star. here’s the dumbest and most charming video from this album.

pivot #4 is to truly cosmic territory in the form of 13. nothing else like this record exists. we all can only aspire to making something like this record. i will disclose that i don’t like “tender,” the first song and single which is in itself a kind of shocking pivot in its emotional nakedness. “1992″ is where it’s at for me... which was a demo from the year 1992 (modern life is rubbish sessions) that they rediscovered and remade... the guitar ascending at 1:50... this album is nominally about damon’s longtime girlfriend leaving him and i think you can catch that lyrically but the push/pull of all the vocal and guitar... it’s all these kind of painful warring duets. they couldn’t work together anymore! they wanted extraordinarily different things which could barely coexist. so damon wrote their second full album of “please don’t leave me” and graham ripped all the songs to shreds. the other night i got teary listening to the instrumental outro, “optigan 1.”

[ i haven’t listened to think tank because graham only plays on one song (which i have listened to, “battery in your leg,” apex of suffering, 45 seconds in, do you ever disintegrate) and because whenever i like a band a lot i can’t bring myself to “finish” their catalog. graham left the band during recording sessions because he had gotten sober and couldn’t fake it anymore. during the many years in which they did not speak, they went to each other’s solo performances to watch each other secretly. ]

now they are friends again! they made the magic whip in 2015, which was another pivot in itself.

the amazing thing i think, to get back to the question you initially asked me which i have totally strayed from, is that damon has the absolute pop magic and graham can’t let it be... he has to make it more difficult and challenging and knotty and loud. they need each other because they challenge each other to be better musicians. the songs when you can really hear the tension are totally electrifying and are their best work. it’s the dynamic between their different visions of what they wanted the band to be, the push-pull and the wrestling, that make it all so interesting to listen to...

and that’s my novel on the subject (for now). i’m tagging @piovascosimo to make sure i got everything... beta is the expert who has been a fan since 2002; you might want to follow her.

18 notes · View notes

scifimagpie · 6 years

Text

Elegy for a Mistake: My Toxic Friendship

My usual post style and topics tend to encompass writing techniques, analytical bits and riffs on TV and movies, or even the odd podcast. Once in a while, I turn my attention inward and try to offer lessons by example from my own experience. Today, I find myself talking about a humbling and painful, yet freeing experience: the release of an unhealthy friendship.

Normally, I'm a peppy, jocund, and self-assured writer, with solutions ready at hand by the time an article is ready to go. In public and private, I am known for my likeable and kind personality - though I would privately describe myself as a haplessly bumbling, well-intentioned blowhard.

Let us presume that both cases are simultaneously true. This time, I have only an ouroboros of self-doubt and a cautionary tale. Bear that in mind: this essay lacks an easy or blithe answer to the questions I've posed and struggled with.

A word of warning

To protect this person's anonymity, I will call them "Micah." I have changed their gender pronouns for this article to enhance their privacy as well. I won't talk about their personal circumstances at much length, either, for the same reasons. Figuring out their identity from context clues in my personal life and my blog is possible, but ultimately, unimportant.

For the same reason, I will not be including screenshots or "proof" or other receipts. I don't want to roast Micah's books or sabotage their career. (For reasons I will outline below, they do a great job of that on their own.)

Another big issue with Micah was my long-term working relationship with them. No matter how much you like someone and trust them, never work for free. More precisely, never work for free. or for exposure, or work trades if you find yourself shouldering a very unequal load.

I did this. I knew better - but Micah (and my own affection for them) let me talk myself into it over and over. And that was far from all that went wrong.

"Everyone has dead people," insisted Rocket Raccoon in the first Guardians of the Galaxy movie. Everyone has their share of mistakes, ghosts, demons, and regrets. Perhaps Micah had more demons than most. But at the time, I saw them as a dammed fine writer and a tough person, a marvel of endurance.

That's still true, but their coping techniques to maintain that survival were another matter. Micah had ways of judging people and justifying their reactions to relatively small incidents that, over time, caused a lot more harm than I realised at first.

The warning signs I ignored

The thing is, Micah had a thin skin and a very sharp tongue. They were happy to nitpick and harangue anyone and everyone - usually in the safety of our private messages. This included people who thought of them as a friend and authority.

Everyone has gripes with friends from time to time, nitpicks about media, and qualms about significant industry names. Micah had all of those - and a long memory to boot. Eve their partner was far from exempt from critique and bewailing.

Yet I was, until the end of our friendship, the one person almost always exempt from these critiques. Not that I always got praise, but the mildest compliments were gold in the context of their otherwise unceasing criticism.

Surely this seems like an unflattering picture, but consider, reader, the burden of guilty pleasure that lies at my feet. I did not think I was complicit in their unhealthy patterns of criticism; I would sometimes softly defend people, but always in private.

On many occasions, I took the brunt of a fight to defend their honour - from a person who often had no idea Micah was offended. But I got to be the one good person in the world, who measured up - until I didn't.

But even before the change in tenor and tone, things were starting to go wrong. I was avoiding my favorite social media platform and my many friends there, because I dreaded the gloom and pain in Micah's messages. Our primary mode of communication was inevitably draining and depressing. Nobody has to be happy all the time, but unceasing misery is simply not okay.

The problem

While Micah and I do struggle with similar mental health issues, they had many severe physical issues to boot. I let this excuse their temper, their dark moods, and sometimes arbitrary coping mechanisms fat more than I should. They refused to deal with their mental health issues with medication or supervision - even though said issues were life-threatening.

And I, who normally would have spoken up about that, kept tolerating it.

Micah went to no small effort to convince me they knew best for themselves...even though the benefit of hindsight makes me question that deeply.

The problem is that Micah's depression was thick in their writing, and I think - I know - it sometimes negatively affected my own. Refusing to write happy or happier stories that were "not true to their experience, " they chased off potential fans and professional allies with endless cutting and overly specific arguments.

But I found their positions and their writing eminently defensible. They were very good at articulating arguments which I found persuasive.

When Micah excoriated me on a thread in public, in private, and on Twitter at various points, over a variety of issues, I began to question the state of our friendship. I think it's pretty fair to say that most of us know it's not good form to rip a buddy a new one "in public" or in private, as it were. Especially when, say, you actually agree on an issue, but have failed to state things in the exact way they require and prefer - and when that is an offense meriting a hard scoldin', it's a sign that something's awry.

Unfortunately, smart people can talk themselves into anything.

The fallout

I was unable to complete a dark and melancholy book for Micah, and they had a mental health crash - which was, by that point, indistinguishable from their usual state. They said they wanted to talk less to me because they were deeply hurt that I hadn't recognized the toll of their books on my own mental health - even though I told them as soon as I realised it was a problem, and had found a reasonable way to articulate it. (That took probably 36 hours, for the record. I was unable to criticize their books to myself before that point.)

They were deeply upset, and I blamed myself - for their mental health crash, just as they wanted me to. Realising that I could no longer work for free or be fast enough, I found myself questioning many things about their books - and even Micah themselves.

I even asked a celebrity (whom they'd caused me to pick a fight with by complaining at length about her "horribly offensive, ableist" perspective that writing books too fast and immediately publishing them does not result in good books) for her insight.

Jenny Trout was kind enough to hear me out, and even warn me that a friend like Micah may not be a real friend. That really made me think. Ms. Trout was so eminently reasonable, and I thought about how repetitive Micah's books had been lately, and I just couldn't disagree with her point.

When we continued discussing the topic, Micah had the temerity to refer to artistic writers (as opposed to commercial writers) as "blowhards". When I admitted that had offended me, they took the tack of insinuating that ghostwriting, editing, or enhancing are "not real" writing, or part of a shadowy underground industry, not deserving respect as part of the industry (even though ghostwriting and editing have been present in writing for as long as books have been made.)

Frustrated and upset beyond communication, I had to get my partner to write the message saying I needed a break from Micah.

I spent the next two weeks in agonizing tension, worrying about the future of our friendship. About twelve days into the proposed three-week hiatus, I messaged Micah to check in, hesitantly extending an olive branch.

They ripped into me, accusing my partner and myself of unhealthy and unsafe behaviour towards them - for sending a short, clipped message in the middle of a hard mental health crisis.

As I stared at the screen and skimmed through their messages, I had to face the facts: I would never be good enough for Micah.

I was bound to bump into their exacting rubric of communications and requirements eventually. It had finally happened.

But when I realised I needed to end things, I felt almost deliriously free. I spent a good week smiling and laughing more, and enjoying a generally great mood. But then I had to think about everyone I had blocked or critiqued or mocked with Micah, and the way they encoraged me to shred others. In all, it is almost a wonder that through my relationship with them, I kept the vast majority of my friends.

How does one proceed?

Having patience for friends with mental health issues and complex disabilities is vitally important. Learning to talk about people and vent in private, rather than picking fights or airing the pettiest of grievances, are both important. How do I use the best of what Micah taught me while critiquing their perspectives after the fact? Is hard to say what would be different if we had never become close, but there will be no escaping their impact on my music taste, writing, and memories.

There are no tidy answers or how-to charts to figure out whether a friend simply has complex needs, or is facilitating and enabling your bad habits. Unhealthy friendships can also involve a lot of mentorship, support, and intimacy. If they were straightforwardly awful, they wouldn't last.

but at present. I seem to be, for the first time in my life, unencumbered by any toxic relationships. I have more energy and time for my friends and chosen family, and even my partners (my original partner Andrey, and our queerplatonic housemate Kit).

All I can do is try to wrap my head around both how much and how little I really lost, and apply my lessons to improve my friendships with others, ensuring they feel heard and cared for. At the same time, I must remain safe and self-critical enough to avoid perpetrating the abusive cycle and behaviors all survivors must constantly guard against.

At the end of the day, they left me with conjecture,. and not much else. I thought we were the closest of friends....yet I never heard their voice, met them - or even knew their given name. And there is only so much you can love a friend who won't share their true self with you.

*** Michelle Browne is a sci fi/fantasy writer. She lives in Lethbridge, AB with her partner-in-crime, housemate, and their cat. Her days revolve around freelance editing, knitting, jewelry, and nightmares, as well as social justice issues. She is currently working on the next books in her series, other people's manuscripts, and drinking as much tea as humanly possible. Catch up with Michelle's news on the mailing list. Her books are available on Amazon, and she is also active on Medium, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, Tumblr, and the original blog.

2 notes · View notes