#I was too busy with my mental disorders when I was young and then in college I became disabled and almost died and I had to focus on me for | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tpwkwriter · 1 year

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u r my fave writter everrrr! And I wanted to recommend H helping the reader with anxiety, depression, an eating disorder and like a traumatic childhood. THANK YOUUUUU

My comfort.

First of all thank you so, so much Not only for your request but lovely words! 🥰

And wowser A traumatised y/n! 🫢but luckily H is there hey!

*Warnings* mentions of depression, anxiety, trauma,drug use!, body dysmorphia, struggles with eating and various mental health issues! My dms are open always! 🤎

Love your beautiful selfs! 🫶🏼

— — — — —

Ever since a young age y/n had been through various battles.

Her childhood was far from mundane, when she was about 9 her parents took to several different substances and would happily leave y/n and her sister alone for many hours through the day.

When the girl hit her early teens she was aware of what was going on and that realisation hit her like a ton of bricks, knowing her parents would rather be out doing his knows what, with god knows who then actually looking after her and her sister

When it was time for secondary school, y/n would still admit that this was the worst time for her. 7 hours of constant work to come home and play mother. The constant comparisons to her and her classmates drove her mad, the reminder of exams and work it was all a bit much.

When she hit 17 she went to college and took part in a weekend job to earn some money on the side. Of course her parents eyes lit up once they heard money was being made.

On y/n’s sisters 12th birthday y/n was finally able to buy her gifts and treat the young girl. However this didn’t go down with the rest of the family, y/n recalls this memory very clearly even though she’s been trying to repress it for years.

The argument they had that evening was booming, her father threw anything he could get his hands on, her mother threw every insult and shaming word there was, all of this because she wouldn’t lend them money?

The night quickly escalated when an empty vase was threw at y/n leaving a cut on her wrist that scarred and she still sees to this day.

From that night y/n picked up longer shifts, and more hours just for a bit more money and financial stability.

By her 18th birthday she could afford her first car, wasn’t anything grand but the freedom it allowed her was amazing, she finally felt proud of how she’s done this all herself, she finally felt pride in herself and not self hatred.

Fast forward to age 25 and her life was something she wasn’t expecting.

She was with one of the most recognisable faces, who was able to show her parts of the world she never thought she could, he gave her the biggest comfort and safe feeling that she ever so lacked.

Her sister was currently 21 living with her own boyfriend and was equally as happy, and both of them was as close as ever.

Y/n loved Harry with everything in her, and wanted no chance or risk that he would walk out on her. Y/n adamantly worked on her figure everyday, she started off her morning in the gym, went for a run at-least once a week, this was good n all but she slowly started slipping meals and going past them.

It was currently nearing 6pm and H had just come back from the studio and long day.

“Alright love?” He asks putting a hand on her waist and kissing her cheek as she was finalising dinner.

“Oh my god H” she giggled

“Y’made me jump! Didn’t hear y’come in” she smiled

“Was m’plan” he smirked kissing her again.

“How was y’day” he ask, reaching the top cupboard for too glasses knowing she wouldn’t be able to reach them.

“Was okay, got Tomorrow off so no excuse to get rid of me” she smiled.

“You?” She asked

“S’okay busy, happy to have our day tomorrow”

Dinner was finalised, and the both sat at the table speaking through there day to each other.

“Y’been to the gym today?” He asked

“Yeah” she answered.

“Did 2 hours in there today!!” She said proudly.

“M’proud of you darling, make sure we’re not overworking ourselves right?” He asks slipping her a look that was all too familiar.

“M’not, I just wanna stay, like this I guess?” She smiles.

“What do you mean baby? Y’gorgeous” he states.

“Have you eaten today?” He asks stopping in his tracks to watch her.

“Um” she wonders.

“I mean, m’eating right now, but I just wasn’t hungry really” she claims, taking another spoonful of her food to her mouth.

“Y/nnnnn” he playfully drags

“I promise I’ll eat more tomorrow, just, wasn’t hungry today!” She smiles.

“Y’did 2 hours in the gym and didn’t eat anything after?” He asks tone getting deeper and eyebrows raising.

“I really I didn’t mean to, I was running errands after and I forgot” she says standing up from her seat collecting the plates from them both.

H joins her in kitchen and helps her tidy up.

“Thanks H” she said.

“N’worries, thanks for dinner love” he says kissing her temple swiftly.

“Gonna get dressed, and then we can watch one of your bloody documentaries?” He smiles

“Y’know it H” she blushes.

They reluctantly parted, y/n found herself bundled up on the couch with a fluffy blanket awaiting her loves return, she found herself scrolling mindlessly on instagram.

When your current boyfriend has exes in the like of Kendall Jenner, cara delavine and Camille Rowe it’s often hard not to feel worse compared to them, curiosity took y/n over and she clicked on Camille’s instagram page, she was greeted with selfies, pictures of events she’s been too, her with her friends and various other things, her beautiful eyes, her shiny long hair, her model figure, she was straight out of a magazine.

Suddenly all of y/n’s work felt pointless, no matter what she would always be compared to these fashionable girls, that familiarity hits her once again.

She set her phone down and focused on the Tv in-Front of her and fell deeper into her fluffy blanket she was cuddling.

Without a word of exchange H joins her back on the sofa, sits next to the girl and guides her legs to his lap, allowing his fingers to gently trace over her shins and ankles.

“I love you” she says eyes remaining glued to the screen.

His movements stop and he turns his head to her.

“I love you too”

The night was slowly closing and the couple slowly started there evening routine.

Y/n was in there shared bathroom going through with her skincare before bed, a million thoughts popped up at once, she didn’t know if It was her anxiety or just her clear overthinking tendencies

Y/n glanced in the mirror, all she saw was all imperfections, she couldn’t even compare to Taylor swift or Kendall Jenner in anyway shape or form.

“Baby Y’alright?” Harry asked from the other side of the door.

She quickly tapped her phone to see the time just to realise she’s spent nearly an hour locked in the bathroom.

“Yeah baby m’now Coming out” she said shaking the train of though out of her head.

Silent tears roll down her face.

Him. He was so amazing in everything he did. His voice was safe. His words were so comforting. The thought of him not being around her terrified the shit out of her.

— — — — —

Part 2 coming soon!

Hopefully you all like this! There will be a part 2 as I don’t want this to be a really long fic, because I have many ideas what I want done with this!!! 🤎

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apolloanddaphnis · 1 year

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Speaking in Tongues

Preface

Synopsis: Timothée is enamored with a woman he has never met, now will he get the chance?

Warnings: Description of body and sexual fantasy. Not proofread.

Timothée's POV

November 2021

I couldn't believe someone was holding a premiere at Houdini's mansion.

Hollywood never ceases to amaze me, I know being a New Yorker everyone expects me to rag on L.A. but I gotta say, I absolutely love this glittery wilderness. Everyone is free here, weirdness doesn't exist, it's the regular, and there was a little European liberation here.

I was invited to the premiere of James Franco's remake on the 80s cult classic Spellbinder, his was called Spellbound, and it starred my good friend Tom Holland as the straight edge, white collar L.A. attorney, Matt Hayes, Austin Butler played the seemingly good but betraying warlock friend, Dan Clayton, and playing the evil seducing lead on the cover Miranda Every, was my current obsession, Minka Farrah.

I remember seeing her for the first time.It was two years ago at Lily's, we put on a movie before getting intimate, she was the one who raved about this young edgy actress who only does indies, with no connection into the entertainment business at all. The movie was Poison, Joel Schumacher's thriller rendition of Snow White. Set in the New York 90s supermodel scene, Minka plays Nieve Bianco, who's a rising star in the modeling world. Her unique beauty and large breasts bring controversy in the current trend of heroin chic, it shows Nieve struggling with body image and battling bulimia, Lily told me Minka had to lose 90 pounds for the film and she said it messed with her mental state badly since her usual body is curvy. I felt protective of her when hearing that, and wanted to have at it with the director even though his intention was to expose the dangers of the modeling world. Minka's character Nieve, had a rival two years older, Reina Reyes, played by Ana de Armas, who Nieve usurped as the supermodel of the world. Nieve even caught the eye and heart of Reina's ex girlfriend who left Reina because she was too obsessed with her vanity and career, a butch fashion photographer, Schuyler "Sky" van Axel played by Ruby Rose. So obsessed with her rivalry with Nieve, Reina throughout the movie tries to kill Nieve in different ways but makes it convincingly look like it's one of Nieves many stalkers, even going as far as to give them a name, Malcolm McQueen. Sending pictures of Nieve of circled parts of her body claiming she has gained weight asking why she's turning into a porker, Nieve takes diet pills from Japan, her bulimia gets worse, Reina swapped Nieve's diet pills out with party drugs and fentanyl, Nieve even overdoses and Sky is afraid Nieve has a drug problem as well as an eating disorder, Nieve feel convinced she has a drug problem too but is doing to well in her career to leave for rehab so Sky promises to help her, thinking it's brought on by her stalker. Nieve is followed him one night from a party by one of the photographers, he tries to rape and stab her but he stops and sobs saying she's always been the only model who has been nice to him, Confessing that he's been having money problems due to his drug abuse, and Reina offered him a half a million to kill Nieve and make it look like she was raped and murdered by the made up stalker, he tells Nieve everything. Nieve is so afraid but she doesn't think anyone will believe her, she no longer cares about her career, she checks herself into a mental hospital thinking she will be safe there and if she gives up Sky and her career she will be safe from Reina. But her fans send her letters and praise, the designers donate the proceeds to foundations for eating disorders in Nieves name, Reina was livid of the outcome.

At the hospital she becomes close to her psychologist, Dr. Paul Dormer, played by Jason Patric, tells him about Reina and he has six nurses guard Nieve moving her room to the glass room. Meanwhile, Sky tries to make sense of Nieves mental recession, follows Reina and finds out everything and starts to collect evidence for the police. She finds out Reinas next plan and heads to the hospital, Reina disguises herself as a nurse and crushes up a bottle of sleeping pills putting it into Nieves apple sauce and has it taken to her room.

Sky gets there too late and they're pumping Nieves' stomach but she doesn't make it. Sky dropped video and written evidence of Reina to the cops and goes to kill Reina but the cops arrest Reina. The movie ends with Dr. Dormer and the six nurses at the funeral, they're renaming the hospital after her. Reina is at another mental hospital in a straight jacket crying and laughing that she won, she's the most beautiful woman alive.

The performance of Minka left me with so many feelings, after that movie I watched all of hers. She's so beautiful, 5'3 with the kind of wide hips that shift side to side distractingly, an hourglass figure and bouncy, juicy breasts, 36DDD, a soft little stomach, I wanted to bite every part of her and do explicit things to her curves. I had the living need to lick every part of her light olive skin that was a beautiful resort of her Black, Arabian, and Eastern European heritage. I wanted to see the look of overstimulated pleasure on her round, heart shaped face, her juicy, thick raspberry lips fall open as she tries to scream my name and Rapture but can't as I stretch her with my cock and have my tip pound into her spot.

I rewind the sex scenes in her movies over and over, my source of ejaculation, I tug hard on my cock watching her big violet eyes hood seductively as the screen siren she is. But after my release, when I'm lying in my sheets naked covered in my own cum and sweat instead of hers, I feel livid, colored in green jealousy of her co stars who touched her. When I found out she was in a relationship with Ruby Rose I was inconsolable. When I saw them on the red carpet together, Ruby's nose was buried in Minka's soft, blunt black bob cut. I wanted so badly to smell her.

Her interviews are my favorite. I took great care in learning about her. She lost her mother 24 from cancer, they were close and even mentioning made my lovely girl tear up. I wanted to choke that interviewer for being so insensitive and asking her about that difficult time, I wanted to run her a bath, lock her away from the world and bundle her up in my blankets.

She's from Woodland Park, New Jersey, her mother was from Poland, her dad is a teacher. They moved to Carmel-by-the-sea when she was in her senior year, she went to an all girls Catholic school. She hated school and she's bisexual. Her brother Stone is trans and he's her assistant, her other brother Jerzy is a pilot. Her favorite color is red. She's older than me by ten months and born on Elizabeth Taylor's birthday, who is her idol. She speaks Polish and is an animal activist as well as a queer activist, 80s punk and dark wave is her favorite music and when I found out she and Ruby ended and she bought a home in Beverly Hills, I bought one in Santa Monica.

It wasn't hard for me to get an invitation to the premiere of Spellbound, I know that sounds gross and cocky but for once I'm so grateful for my status.

I made sure to dress my best, begged my stylist to conjure up something eye-catching and revealing, to make me look as desirable as I could. Erin didn't disappoint. She clothed me in a halter like, sleeveless, waistcoat in white with a black collar, matching trousers almost made like formal joggers, and Chanel combat boots. To top it off, red was splattered on the design to look like blood, it was fitting for the film being premiered. The trousers were a little tight around the crotch area.

The mansion looked incredible, the main event was out in the gardens, thankfully heating lamps were everywhere, it was still chilly in November, even in L.A.. I ran into many familiar faces, sometimes I couldn't believe I was famous and that these amazing legends were talking to me.

Suddenly, I heard a musical laugh, it was giggly and scratchy and I fell in love all over again. I politely excused myself to find the source that I knew it belonged to. Standing in the center of the garden , posing with James Franco in an inappropriately tight, Morticia dress with a neckline that plunged to her navel was…her. Her Mia Wallace hair melted beautifully with the ebony of her dress and framed her picturesque face, she looked like she could be a film siren from the 1910s, her eyes were done in vamp flapper style, lips painted the color of deep cherry red that matched her embroidered gloves with occult imagery. My eyes kept slipping to her cleavage that was falling from her dress, almost, with curious eyes, you could nearly see her nipples.

Stirring occurred in my too well tailored trousers. I licked my lips and decided to bite the bullet and meet the woman of my dreams.

I don't know when but before I knew it, I was close enough to tower over her, close enough to hear her whispering to James that his special friend was looking jealous by the fountain, and close enough to smell the hypnotic sweet and dark scent of her perfume. Before I lost my nerves I cleared my throat and spoke her name like a spell.

"Excuse me..."

@meetmyothersouls @sufferingstarlight

#timothee chamalet #timothée chalamet #timothée chalamet x oc

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mvnvgedmischief · 4 months

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unremarkable days: Sirius black is trying to be a good man, a good brother, a good person. Sirius has a steady job designing book covers for a publishing house, a flat he never leaves, and a traumatized brother who was just removed from the custody of his parents. All in all, it's wildly unremarkable.

archive tags: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Regulus Black & Sirius Black, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, Regulus Black, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, Marauders, Marauders Era (Harry Potter), Modern Marauders (Harry Potter), Marauders Friendship (Harry Potter), ok so this is mostly just sirius trying to take care of a traumatized regulus, Modern AU, Sirius trying to be a father figure, to his brother who was just removed from his home, Alternate Universe - Modern: No Powers, Artist Sirius Black, Writer Remus Lupin, Young Regulus Black, Past Child Abuse, Trauma, everyone is sad, Custody Battle, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Past Domestic Violence, Child Abuse, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Domestic Violence

words: 93511 chapters: 25/?

this is kind of my baby in terms of fics i’ve written, i love it so much. it will probably end up around 30 chapters, but lord knows. artist!sirius x writer!remus in a modern take on a high society young adult recovering from his fall from grace while trying to hide his sexuality, take care of his brother, and fall in love. will his secret self destruction be the only thing that stands between him and the future he wants?

read it on ao3 here, full chap under the cut!

Sirius felt awful that Remus had to walk into this conversation. He didn’t enjoy that his life was going to shit in front of him, especially in front of Remus. Sirius was embarrassed. He was ashamed of himself, of his life, of everything. It felt like yesterday, Remus was digging around in his business, and trying to sus out whether or not to be embarrassed of his own past. But now here they were, Sirius’s chaos boiling over in a way that he wondered if Remus’s ever had. They had touched on it, of course. Throughout the nights in his bedroom, or out on the fire escape, and it was in the book. Sirius knew it was in the book, he read it cover to cover, but they didn’t discuss it much. Maybe it was out of fear, that if he asked Remus to open up he would have to. But right now, the acrid stench of failure filled his nostrils, and his face twisted into something between a grimace and a smirk as he turned his doorknob and entered the flat.

“I’m sorry in advance.”

“No need,” came the gentle reply from behind him. It felt like Remus’s voice was all Sirius needed to find the strength to open that door. He silently made his way back to his couch, leaving room for Remus to sit beside him. Thankfully, Remus had the sense not to sit too far from Sirius, lest he spontaneously burst into sobs and need someone to gather him up and remove him from the room.

“What’s the plan, Sirius?” Sev asked, not even bothering to greet Remus. The tension between the three of them could be cut with a knife, and Sirius wondered just how much feeling out of place Remus would be willing to put up with.

“I don’t know yet—“ Sirius began, only to be cut off.

“Of course you don’t.” Severus spat, his tone cutting through Sirius to his core. He was failing Regulus yet again. Like he had all of those times he didn’t protect the boy, like he did when he left.

“He’ll know after the intake,” Remus replied with ease, cutting into the conversation like an expert. “Hospitalizations, medical programs, and the like don’t run on our timeline no matter how much we want them to.”

Sirius felt a short sigh fall between his lips, but it still caught him off guard. He didn’t expect to be making any noise, he just expected to be yelled at by Severus, glared at by Regulus, and get the occasional reassuring hand squeeze from Remus. He didn’t expect Remus to come in here like a knight in shining armor and advocate for him and his mental health.

“They’re not going to tell Sirius all that much about anything. Sure, he’ll get hours, behavior expectations, treatment options, and the like. But the nitty-gritty details and such that you’re all going to want to know are not going to be conversations they have with him.”

Sirius didn’t know that, which is really bothered him. He didn’t know there was going to be information that he wouldn’t get. He wanted to interrupt, but Remus gave him an easy smile.

“They’ll tell you what you need to know, love. They’re just not going to bog you down with the logistics. That’ll probably go through James and to Regulus directly.”

Sirius wondered if Remus could feel Sev’s glare, despite looking directly at Regulus. He never minded being on the other side of that glare, but he knew that Remus already felt uncomfortable around the man. He was sure this wasn’t making it any easier. Guilt was swallowing him up, and all he wanted was to sink into the floor. Sirius could feel himself getting nauseous. There was nothing he could do but sit here, nauseated and exhausted. He could hear them talking across him, discussing the details of what will happen and when Reg would go back to boarding if he will at all, and what their plan is for the next few weeks when Sirius will most likely be in a residential program.

“I went to Orri today,” Sirius added but he felt like it was falling on deaf ears, “They said they’d take me in PHP if –”

“What does our worst-case scenario look like?” Severus cut him off, pausing his glare for a moment to look at Sirius.

“I guess–” Sirius began, but Regulus piped up.

“ Worst case or absolutely catastrophic?”

“Worst case,” Severus responded, “I know absolutely catastrophic is you going with them.”

“Worst case is probably the council turning down both you and the Potters housing if Siri has to go somewhere.”

“The council wouldn’t put you in the system if it would be too disruptive, they’re much more likely to approve both options before that because Sirius wouldn’t be gone that long anyways.”

He hated being talked across like this, but contributing also made him so deeply uncomfortable. He felt like he was being strangled by this conversation, choking on his own shame. God, he wished he had just let himself disappear. He wished this wasn’t something he had to do. Couldn’t this all just end? Maybe he should have just disappeared.

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, after what felt like the longest stretch of time he could imagine. The way all three of them looked at him felt like they had forgotten he was even there. “If you all have a mind to keep talking like I’m not here,” He began, trying not to snap, “‘m going to bed.”

“No, I–“ Remus began, while simultaneously Severus, on the other side of the room, groveled, “Please don’t–“ The two men bristled with jealousy, staring daggers at each other.

Regulus broke up the tension between the group, which made Sirius feel so desperately guilty. “Grand frère, ne pars pas.” He whimpered. Those words rang through his mind like a bell, ricocheting between his ears. Big brother, don’t go. They’ve been here before. Not like this, of course, but they had been at this crossroads before. He knew this was different, but it didn’t feel different. It felt exactly the same as it had when Regulus stared up at him with glassy eyes and tear-stained cheeks, having heard the argument between Sirius and his parents. He saw the bright red marks on Sirius’s cheeks, marking where he had been disciplined for his ‘disrespect.’ Regulus watched him angrily pack a small rucksack full of his most prized possessions, and begged him not to go. Sirius never had any intention of leaving Regulus behind there, but he didn’t have an option. There was no going back from that fight. He barely remembered that fight. He felt like he blacked most of it out. The only thing he remembered was his mother throwing his school bag out into the snow, and screaming that she wouldn’t have that behavior in her house .

Sirius took a deep breath, steeling himself against his own catastrophic feelings, and nodded. If Reggie wanted him, he wasn’t going anywhere. He couldn’t leave again. He was already being punished, drowning in guilt, over leaving the first time. That had been over five years ago, and he was still doing penance for it. He knew it was too much, that he felt too deeply, and he only ever wanted to show Regulus how much he cared. He should know better, but the grip he had on his demeanor was slipping. He could feel the tears welling in his eyes, but he needed to calm down. He couldn’t cry again, Regulus couldn’t handle it. He knew Regulus was so fragile right now. His own breakdown would be Regulus’s undoing and he knew it. Regulus was always sensitive to how Sirius was feeling, always influenced by it, just like he was influenced by everyone at their old house in Islington. On top of that, Regulus was already so fragile. He was already so scared, and Sirius desperately didn’t want to scare him anymore.

“I’m not going anywhere, Reggie,” He replied, looking at his younger brother, eyes full of fear and understanding. “Even if I have to go to a res program, I’m not leaving you. I’m going to come home. I’m going to be okay.” Sirius had never wanted anything more than he wanted them all to believe him. He was going to be better than this, he needed to for Reggie’s sake. Even if he needed to drive himself into the ground to feel better, he was going to make sure he was giving Regulus the best chance he could, even though he thought everyone was a better candidate to raise his brother than he was.

“He doesn’t have an option.” Severus grumbled, but his tone was gentle. It was so obvious to Sirius that they were closer than he ever really knew. He knew that they had been close, of course, but he was starting to understand that the relationship went much deeper than he expected. Sirius would never tell Regulus he couldn’t have the other man around, but he wasn’t entirely sure what it would help other than just having an adult “in his corner.”

The smarmy git looked over at him with a wry grin, and Sirius tried his best to mirror it on his own face. That being said, it fell apart before it crossed his face. God, he wished this would end. He could feel Remus bristle even if his eyes were locked on Regulus and Severus. Sirius couldn’t help but wonder if Remus was feeling jealous. It wasn’t like it mattered, neither Sirius nor Remus were the most central fixtures in this conversation. For as much as he was the cause of all of this, and it was all about what he had been doing, but this needed to be about Regulus. Sirius couldn’t help it, honestly. He wouldn’t be able to handle being even more in the center of this conversation. He felt like he was under a microscope, and his skin was burning from observation.

“When will we know when you’re going to be in hospital?” Severus asked, eyebrow raised.

“I have an intake assessment on Monday morning…” Sirius mumbled in response, “Won’t know anything until after it.”

“So we just have to wait until Monday? Nothing until then?”

“Aye,” Sirius mumbled, “Reg I should be here when you get home to chat about everything that happens.”

“So he’s just supposed to go to school? Pretend everything is fine when it so clearly is not?” Severus asked, his voice raising with irritation. “That’s ridiculous Sirius! How is he supposed to cope with this?:

“I don’t–“ Sirius tried to respond, but his voice died in his throat.

“Of course not.” Severus grumbled, “Because you never do.”

“Sev I’m–“ Sirius tried, but he didn’t know what to say. He knew that he didn’t have the answers that either Regulus or Severus wanted. All he had were apologies, mixed in with his self-loathing.

Remus could feel that Sirius was fading, and fast. The man was losing his nerve to sit here, and Remus couldn’t really blame him. This was all so intense, and he didn’t want to continue to contribute to it. Sirius looked so exhausted, and it was so familiar to him. For a long time, Remus had been sitting in that position, feeling the magnifying glass over him, and feeling like his health was burdening everyone else. His emotional state, the trauma of it all, could be so heavy for a group of people, and he could read on Sirius’s face just how heavy he felt like this all was. He knew the weight of other people’s concerns could be suffocating. He took a look over at the clock, and then back to the group. He would’ve suggested taking a moment to rest, to pivot away from this particular conversation, but he didn’t have a chance. Before he could say anything, Sirius was standing up and mumbling something about needing a moment.

Sirius practically ran off to the washroom. He locked the door behind him and slid down to the cool tile floor. He needed it to reset him, to remind him that he was here and that he was safe. He pulled his boney knees to his chest, to sob into them. His mind raced with fears about where this journey would take him, what would happen to his relationship with Regulus, and whether Remus would still want him when it was over. Why couldn’t this be easier? Does it really have to be so difficult? All he wanted was to be nothing and he wished he could just disappear.

He wasn’t sure how long he had been lost in his own mind, but when a knock reverberated through the door Sirius jumped instinctively. “What?” He groaned, his voice sounding hoarse from his sobs. “Regulus wants to go see some of his mates, and I’m going to go to the lab to get some work done. I’ll give you a ring later.”

“Cheers,” Sirius choked out in reply.

“You alright, mate?” Severus called, from beyond the door. Sirius choked back a humorless laugh, trying desperately not to seem short or irritated. It was so deeply upsetting to him that he couldn’t calm himself down. All he wanted was to just be normal, to be unremarkable. He didn’t want to be someone with all of this complex trauma, or all of these catastrophic feelings. He desperately wanted to just be. If only that were as simple as he wanted. His desperation seeped out of his pores, wanting for nothing more than peace.

“Alright,” He replied, keeping his tone as even as possible. He tried to maintain some level of calmness, listening as the two walked out of the door. It was then that he left the washroom. He knew he shouldn’t have hid from their conversation, but it was all too much. It all felt so overwhelming and frustrating, he just needed to get away from everyone. Ordinarily this was when he would run out to the fire escape for a cigarette, but he could’ve been chased there. He didn’t want to be cornered out in his safe space. So much of his life and his coping had changed in the last year, and he couldn’t handle offering up another one of his treasured spaces for others to push his boundaries in.

Time was muddying together for so long, Sirius wasn’t sure how long he sat on that floor before Remus knocked on the door.

“Love,” Remus called from the other side of the heavy oak door. Sirius felt himself shudder, even though he was trying desperately to calm down. “Why don’t you come out and lay down? I’m sure you’re exhausted.”

“Just go home, Re.” Sirius mumbled, forehead pressed against the tile of his bathroom. God, Sirius, just calm down! He needed to get himself together. He couldn’t be any more of a trainwreck, but all he wanted was to be normal. He wanted to be what Remus needed and what Regulus needed, but all he could do was fall apart. It was so nauseating to him that everyone was holding onto him with kid gloves. He knew he was such a drain on the people around him, he knew they were all so worried about him.

“Please,” Came the reply from the other side of the door. It made Sirius want to fall apart. The guilt was going to eat him alive. He didn’t know how to handle any of this well. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest, panic rising in his throat. “I can’t do this.”

“You’re not doing it alone.” Remus was desperate to get Sirius out of that bathroom, but it was beyond any hope. Sirius wasn’t coming out any time soon. It was obvious to Severus and Regulus, that was why they left. Sirius was used to things like this, people leaving when his mind became overwhelming and catastrophic. That was one of the biggest reasons Severus was angry with him in the first place. Regulus needed an adult to be able to deal with the things in his life between helping with homework, making sure there was someone to sign off on things for school, and generalized stability. It was unfair to Severus that he was in this position so frequently, Sirius couldn’t help the way guilt spilled out of him.

“I’m not worth dealing with like this.” Sirius’s voice carried the guilt and fear he was feeling. It was so raw and vulnerable.

“You’re always worth dealing with.” Remus responded, but Sirius could hear the defeat in his voice. Maybe Remus would finally figure out that there was no hope here, Sirius wouldn’t be exiting the bathroom any time soon. His voice fell on deaf ears, because the only thing Sirius could hear was the rushing of his blood in his ears, and his rising heart beat.

Sirius was struggling to keep himself rooted in this reality, instead finding himself teetering between the white subway tile of his own bathroom and the dark italian marble of the bathroom in his childhood home. He could hear his mother’s voice ringing in his ears. It was always soft at first, feigning understanding.

“Sirius, you have to come out of there. Your father and I won’t be mad. Just tell us what happened.”

The anger wouldn’t come until later. It was always simmering just beyond the veil of her composure. She always knew what he had done wrong, whether it be failing a test or losing a footie game, cutting school or a dance class, kissing someone of the wrong pedigree. All of them were punishable offenses by his mother’s standards. He remembered the last time before he was kicked out, sitting in that same panic of knowing she knew he had done something wrong.

“Sirius I won’t put up with this foolishness much longer. Come out here and face the consequences of your actions.”

He had tried to appease her in his youth, coming out the first time he was asked. But he felt the strike of her ring all the same, and eventually he hoped to put off the inevitable. He knew negotiation was a forgone conclusion, but sometimes he was lucky enough that someone would find the doorbell or otherwise distract from his impending doom. He didn’t have the same luck as far as his father was concerned.

“Your mother coddles you too much. Get out here and face me like a man.”

There was no world on which he got away with things. Sure, when his parents didn’t find out all was fine. But his parents found out about so much they didn’t want him to do and Sirius had to face the consequences of it. When he was still trying to protect Regulus, before he had been thrown out, he had tried desperately to keep the peace on the boy’s good days, and time his chaos with Regulus’s fits. He remembered being locked within that home so vibrantly, like it was an experience he would never be able to move on from. Even that last time, he had hoped things would be okay for Regulus. Once he knew he had been found out, caught out by a love letter from a bygone school mate hidden beneath his floor boards, he had tried desperately to protect Regulus. He didn’t know if Regulus ever understood him, but he had tried desperately. He had it out with his parents in separate rooms, in cars, anywhere Regulus wasn’t. There were harsh whispers, open handed smack, and screaming matches in the car, but he tried desperately to avoid it happening in front of Regulus. Someday, he hoped, they’d be able to talk about things and finally sort everything out. But right now he was here, sitting on the tile floor of his bathroom and remembering the needless luxury of the black marble beneath him and the crystal furnishings. When would it end? When would the sound of his father’s controlled anger stop inducing vomiting?

“You shame your namesake.” A cruel pause, “if you don’t come out of there in the next sixty seconds, count yourself lucky if I allow you to sleep in the cellar.”

There was never a real sixty seconds. There was no grace period. He could have left the bathroom when his mother knocked the first time or well after his father knocked the last, and he would still be sleeping in the cellar. He would still feel the cool metal of his father’s rings marring his skin. He would hear the click of the lock and find himself in the cold loneliness of his fall from grace. He knew he would never feel anything but the ire of his parents once they found out. He spent so much time hating them, blaming them. He used to blame them for making him this way, for putting him in dance and making him walk softly, for teaching him to be discerning about his clothing and his hair, for never allowing him to get dirty with other kids. He blamed them for the way he felt when he thought about a cute boy in his class, or the way his heart skipped a beat when Severus yelled at him. It took him a long time to be comfortable with the way it felt to kiss another boy, and the way he felt confident walking into a gay bar.

It was all different now, with Regulus at home. Every day he felt the corners of his peripheral vision blurring the line between his flat and the loveless luxury of his childhood home. He could practically hear the clicking of the keys his mother kept in the drawer next to the stove. Her perfectly manicured nails would parse through the drawer, finding the key to the bathroom with expert precision.

The panic of his memories was bubbling up within him, and he knew it was going to explode. Knees clashed against the hard, cool tiles of the bathroom floor as he made his way over to the toilet, as the acrid, rotted contents of his past spilled out into the toilet. He wasn’t sure anymore whether or not his hands found the back of his throat or if the vile poison of his childhood burned through him all on its own. The frustration he felt while staring at the porcelain and begging the universe or god, or anyone who would listen, to just give him a fucking break.

“Siri,” Chimed the warm voice from the other side of the door. It made Sirius so irrationally angry to be treated this well. He just wanted to be nothing. He wanted to be no one. He wanted to be an apparition.

“Why are you still here, Remus?” He asked, his tone pointed with his frustration. He wished he could be kind, like Remus. He wished he could be understanding and sweet, all soft tones and light whispers, but Sirius wasn’t like that at all. He was all sharp tongued bitterness, cruelty and fear. He was so desperately lost, wishing and begging for just some understanding, and not knowing how to handle it. If he had been just a bit less damaged, if he had only had a few less times in the cellar, if he hadn’t taken a standard discipling and turned it into a fist fight, if he had bit his tongue that last time before he left, maybe gentleness would be something Sirius understood. But he had, and he couldn’t change it, so Remus’s kindness felt cumbersome. It was like fitting a square peg in a round hole, and the only thing that he could do was deflect.

This distress was familiar to Remus, if not odd. It was so weird to him to be on this side of the door. If Sirius was not so paranoid, he may have asked Lily about how to be supportive on the other side of the equation. However, that wasn’t a risk he was willing to take. Not when Sirius was so fragile. There was jealousy that pulled at his heart strings, hating that Sirius clearly trusted Severus implicitly, and had been making him jump through hoops over the last few months in order to gain the other man’s trust. It felt unfair that he couldn’t just be someone who Sirius trusted implicitly. He knew that was unfair way to portray both men in that way, considering he had know understanding of what their relationship actually was. But Remus wanted Sirius. He wanted to be the person Sirius called whenever something went wrong, he wanted Sirius to rely on him standing on the other side of the door. He wanted Sirius to kiss him in the middle of the street, to take him out on dates, to want him. It burned him up in side and he wished he could do something about it. He wished he could charge into the bathroom, pull Sirius into his arms, and comfort him through this. However, he was locked on the other side of the door, being shooed away.

“I’m not leaving.” Remus responded, his resolve seeping through the door. Sirius could feel it. But he needed to be alone, he needed Remus to leave. He could feel the fog of his mind whirring, forcing his thoughts to ring loudly through his ears. His heart was thrumming in his chest, building fear and chaos within him. He was going to binge.

“That’s desperate.” Sirius’s words were cutting, mean, and unhinged. He loved Remus, despite himself. He wanted remus desperately. It was more of projection than anything else, but he needed to be alone. “Go home. I don’t WANT you.”

He wished so desperately that he didn’t have to do this. He needed Remus to go, and if that required Sirius to needle at him, to make him feel small, that was what he would do.

“You can’t– you don’t–” Remus stammered, his voice tightening. God, it made Sirius’s chest hurt.

“Just go,” Sirius replied, his voice thick with desperation. Maybe a change in tactics would help, “please– I just need you to go.” The panic was rising again. He needed to be alone so desperately.

“Can you call me later?” The tightness in Remus’s voice hadn’t dissipated, and Sirius felt so guilty for being so mean. He couldn’t help it. He needed to be alone.

“Yeah,” Sirius whimpered, trying desperately to keep himself from getting overwhelmed all over again. Just get through this Sirius. Just get him out. Just make it to the kitchen. Is the white bread moldy? Does it matter?

When he heard the click of the door closing behind Remus, Sirius is practically running out of the bathroom. His feet carry him to the kitchen, snagging a bag of sliced white bread that he’s had for far too long and rushing off to his bedroom. He’s a mess, and he knows it. Within minutes, he’s tearing open the bag, spending minimal time throwing aside anything that looked like it had gone bad. He chewed through the slices with voracity, tears streaming down his face once more. He felt pathetic and disgusting. How was he ever going to make it through this? His assessment with Orri didn’t go as well as he had hoped. They recommended he seek a higher level of care. They supposedly didn’t feel confident in their ability to accommodate what he needed at this time. How was he going to handle it? He knew he was going to end up in one of those two reserved beds at Vincent Square once again. He also knew that the idea of going to Orri was starting to feel like nothing more than a pipe dream because they didn’t accommodate anyone on an inpatient basis. He could do Vincent Square. He knew he could. He had done it before. Theoretically, maybe he could manage to handle this. He knew that on Monday they could discuss the need for him to attend his family Christmas, and to take care of Regulus through the process. It was a long shot for him to believe Vincent wouldn’t recommend res. He wasn’t weight restored (he bristled at the thought and the pride that erupted within him), he wasn’t seeing his therapist, and he wasn’t even able to make it through a night of sleep anymore. Had he taken his Seroquel today? Had he taken his Lexapro? Why couldn’t he remember?

When he made it through the package of semi-moldy bread, he was overwhelmed by his disgust. Once again, his feet carried him to the cool white subway time, his knees crashed on the ground at the same time he started retching. Why couldn’t this be easier? Why did it have to be so hard?

When he was done retching, he pulled himself off of the floor, to rinse out his mouth and splash water on his face. He needed to get himself together. If they were going to do this to him, fuck it. He might as well go all in. He might as well lose himself. Perhaps that was what forced him into his trainers and his running clothes, to run himself ragged. For an onlooker, it was unremarkable, but if anyone in his life had seen him, they would have been horrified. Maybe Sirius was a monster. Maybe Regulus was right, maybe he couldn’t starve out his cruelty, but by God, he would try.

#unremarkable days #modern marauders #marauders era fic #marauders harry potter #marauders fic #sirius black x remus lupin #regulus black fic #sirius black fic #wolfstar fic #some light snirius #snirius pining #exes snirius #ex snack #ex severus x sirius #tw eating disorder

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furiouspatience · 1 year

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Hey, happy pride month!

Today I decided to look at Google drive, and found my first fan fiction about a gay couple. These characters are the OC's of the Beholder (Game) universe. So enjoy it.

Autor: @furiouspatience

Eng ver and owner of the characters: @nyan-ryder

TW: ed implied \ disordered eating

-----------------------------------------------------------------

HUNGER

The first thing Pavel saw when he came to was a chandelier hanging over his head. Reflexively closing his eyes from the bright light, he turned to the side, forcing himself to feel the cool breeze on his face. It took only a few minutes to fully get used to the lighting and look around. He could hear the rain constantly drumming outside the window, without changing its rhythm for many weeks, blurring the view of the other high-rise buildings, prominent from the Ministry. The open window was gently tapping on the wall from the stream of cool air. All of this was mixed in Pasha's breath, calming him down a little. Soon the boy could discern things. Weakness still took control of his body, so Pasha didn't remain as calm lying on something soft. What happened to him? The last thing he remembered before falling into darkness, was the fading voice of Nikita, calling his name. Nikita…

Only now Pasha realized that someone was holding his hand the entire time. The young man did not want to turn in his direction to meet his eyes, or even see his face. He didn’t want to think, Pasha did not hate Nikita. Pasha hated himself for making Nikita busy with him like he was a small child. A small abandoned child in a totalitarian state. He still couldn't believe that Nikita loves him so truly and sincerely, so tenderly and affectionately as possible. This was the only reason why Pavlov did not commit suicide. And Pasha can't even repay him... Finally gaining the courage, he turned his head to the opposite side of the bed.

Nikita was sitting next to him, clenching his thin hand. Pasha had been lying in his office for the entire time, right on his leather sofa. How long had he been sitting here with him? Pasha tried to look at him, ignoring the rising feelings of guilt and shame. He never looked Nikita in the eyes, and if he did, he would turn away, blushing, just like a high school girl. The man looked a little shabby, Pasha was smiling warmly, but something was wrong in his eyes. Was it… tears?

They were silent for a long time, looking at each other. No one dared to start the conversation first. The straining silence was broken only by the rain outside the window.

"Good, you're awake," Nikita decided to speak first, his voice had a hint of anxiety, all too familiar to Pasha, which he did not deserve. "What happened to me?" Pavlov asked in a hoarse voice from the long silence, trying to get up from the sofa. "You passed out on our way to my office, my darling." The man gently held Pasha's shoulders, and pushed him to lie back down.

"And now you better not get up, so you don’t lose it again~" he winked at his lover, then walked towards a table. Pasha regained his composure, and stood from the sofa. Memories of recent events clearly resurfaced in his head, like they were a prohibited item in the metal detector at the front of the Ministry. Pasha chose to ignore the growing heat and abdominal pain with each step he took.

-------------

The Secretary followed Lebedev to the table, staring at his feet, or to the documents that he held in his arms for his curly-haired lover.

Nikita wanted to make Pasha a pleasant surprise, and ordered some exotic food for them, and arranged a lunch at the Ministry. And when he told his beloved, Pasha was truly uncomfortable. Pavlov could not tell anyone the terrible secret that had been tormenting him for months. He was starving, and no one, not even Nikita, knew.

Anxiety reached its climax when Pavel saw what was before him: food prepared especially for him. Paranoia beat him internally, worse than the clubbing and kicks from the police, mentally and physically draining him. Pasha got nervous whenever he shared a meal with his lover, and ate very small amount of food. Then immediately ran to the bathroom afterwards, feeling ashamed of himself as he used his fingers to force himself to vomit. He would quietly sob over a urinal afterwards. He loved and trusted Nikita, but the fear of being poisoned dominated that trust, which caused him much more pain. This is another reason why Pasha did not consider himself worthy of love, even from such the pretentious, but sensitive and kind man like Nikita Lebedev.

"Where were they?"

Nikita dipped his hands in his pants pockets, trying to find the keys to his office, until suddenly, he heard a rustling sound behind him. He turned back to find a least joyful picture: his lover panting and leaning against the wall, then gently falling to the floor. The documents that he had been holding were scattered across the floor like autumn leaves.

"Oh God, Pasha!" - the keys that fell to the floor and rang loudly.

-------------

What pulled him out of the rush of memories was Nikita, who had just sat him back down on the couch. He held a mug of ordinary tea he had grabbed from the table, and he had the warmest smile of all on his face.

"It seems that our surprise dinner is canceled today," Lebedev shrugged, his free hand wrapped around Pasha’s shoulder and pulled him closer. "But that doesn't mean I'll let your stomach stay empty." Nikita handed the mug to the younger man. Anxiety filled Pavel’s head once more, as he stared at the mug. On one hand, the worry that the drink was poisoned ran through his head, but on the other...

Nikita never did anything wrong to him, and he didn’t want to hurt him badly by refusing. He took the mug, and took a small sip from it. The liquid warmed Pasha's body from the inside, causing him to smile involuntarily. It seems that he will not meet with the toilet stall today.

#beholder game #beholder 2 #original character #text post #pride month

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elixirvitae · 1 year

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I saw your headcanons about subjects you wished people would ask about more, specifically about how and why Alucard was locked up in the basement for 20 years before Arthur died.

Two of your theories I resonated with was Alucard developing Stockholm Syndrome that interfered with Arthur’s love life when he got serious and the other was Alucard being in love with Integra’s mother.

Could you possibly give a more detailed headcanons on these, please?

I’ve been sitting on this ask for a while because these two things were ideas I’d glossed over before without really sitting down and investing a lot of time and research into until you sent this ask. So I’ve been contemplating it for a while now for you, I didn’t ignore this! These are my thoughts, and if you want to give feedback please do! I’m glad you vibe with my ideas.

DISCLAIMER RE: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME: I am still not a psychologist or criminologist. I’m just some dude with an interest in this sort of thing, and my research and information is that of an amateur. Additionally, Alucard is a fictional character in a fictional, unique scenario and my rationalization for this strays from the “criteria” commonly theorized to be fundamental to Stockholm Syndrome.

First let me lay down a little background info on Stockholm Syndrome. It is a theorized condition, and has never been included in the DSM, which is the tool used by professionals to diagnose mental illnesses and disorders. We don’t have a lot of concrete studies on Stockholm Syndrome and it wasn’t even coined until 1973 for a case much less severe than Alucard’s. So, you know, don’t take my rationalization as any sort of concrete information.

Now for a little background for my headcanon about Stockholm Syndrome and why I don’t think Alucard would have developed it for Abraham van Helsing.

Van Helsing was roughly in his 40’s I suppose, in the 1890’s. For simplicity’s sake, let’s say he was 42 in 1899, when the events of Dracula took place. Fuss with the numbers if you want; we have no concrete ages or year for the novel. So then, let’s say Arthur was 30 in 1943, and 63 in 1976 when Integra was born, putting his birth year at 1913. Keep in mind older men with money end up with young women all the time. So, let’s say Abraham died in 1935, putting him at 78 years old at the time of his death. That’s long enough; rest in pieces, Abe.

Anyway, Alucard had 36+/- years of serving Abraham. We don’t know the extent of what Abraham used him for, I imagine a lot of that time was spent experimenting on Alucard, augmenting him and finding ways to place him under restriction. I don’t think Alucard would have been very fond of Abraham, even if he did have some sort of respect for him. Abraham probably wan’t too kind to him, either.

But he got to know Arthur as Arthur grew up. He got to watch him grow and develop into his own person. He was obviously a hellion, given his many vices in The Dawn even in adulthood. He was fun, and having grown up with Alucard as just this creature that lives in the basement and works for the family, Arthur wasn’t afraid of him in the least, and probably was a little overconfident in his level of authority over Alucard. So they hung out, listening to the radio, drinking, as I’ve said before they totally had hooker and blow nights. He even gave Alucard a new name, a new identity. I imagine that had to hold some level of significance. Arthur let him live a life, let him expand on his knowledge with militant arms and other technology, and allowed him to interact with the handful of people Arthur introduced him to. They were just small-time business partners or women, and Alucard had to keep his nature on the down low, but it was MUCH more of a social life than Abraham had ever allowed him to have. And that feeling of owing your livelihood to someone who accepts you as you are can be a catalyst for codependency.

If you’ve ever fallen for a best friend, you know what I’m talking about. It’s that feeling that no one in the world can compare, that this person understands you and accepts you as no other person can. How could anyone else know you so personally?

He belonged to Arthur, and Arthur made it so that Alucard’s life of subservience was comfortable, even enjoyable. He treated him like a creature with sentience, almost as if Alucard were deserving of basic respect. And when you’ve spent so long under the impression that you aren’t entitled to respect or basic decency, you learn to lick civility and kindness off of knives.

Arthur was a ladies man, but there were the occasional nights when the women, intoxicated and satisfied with their night’s company and pay, were escorted home by Walter, leaving an inebriated Arthur and Alucard alone late into the night. And sometimes in the middle of the night when you and the homie have had too much to drink, smoke, or otherwise partake, you and the homie get a little handsy. Or mouthy. To Arthur, these were just flukes, nights that got a little out of hand. But to a touch starved vampire, they can be addictive.

And at some point, Alucard started to expect too much, and perhaps ask too much. When Arthur began to date women more seriously in the search for a mother to his heir, or a soulmate, maybe Alucard decided he wasn’t keen in being tossed aside. In the 2001 Gonzo anime, Integra sees a flashback of Alucard in the main foyer of the mansion, tearing apart Hellsing soldiers as they fired upon him. So at some point, Alucard had had enough, and was willing to fight for his autonomy or maybe just to display that he wasn’t some toy that could be used as Arthur wished and discarded when the Hellsing head decided it was time to be serious. Ultimately, Arthur maintained a level of control over Alucard and managed to get Alucard restrained and into the basement and stuck there. I don’t think he planned on ever waking Alucard up, even though he did tell Integra that if push came to shove she could find backup in the dungeon.

Admittedly, I haven't thought much into who Integra's mother must have been since we have nothing to go from aside from the photo in Gonzo. So all I can say is have you met Indian women? Every woman from India I’ve met is a powerhouse. I imagine Integra’s mother must have had an iron will, and I doubt she so much as batted an eye when she was introduced to the vampire formerly known as Vlad Dracula. And we all know how much Alucard simps for a partner who can put him in his place.

Anyone with headcanons or thoughts about who Integra's mother was is invited to share with me, because I would love to build an idea of who she was.

#alucard hc #cw stockholm syndrome #arthur hc #thanks for the ask!#alucard x arthur

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pineappleciders · 1 year

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I just saw your OC drawings post and damn, they look cool! I'd love to hear more about them (if you want). :)

-🪐

erm. yes please.

tw for some maybe dark topics like eds and menyal health. also school shootings. also huge infodump wanring.

this is MAX hes 13 and i think they r my favorite. he is non binary and uses he/they and alex is his bff. theyre kinda like edd from eddsworld personality wise. like theyre the main character and kind but also sarcastic and likes to pull pranks. i love him so dearly. he is bisexual

he is african and has two moms. max is rolling with the lgbt. them and alex have a very sibling like bond as they met when they were young and maxs family took alex in as if she wwre their own. they didnt adopt her her parents r just so neglectful that they judt took care of her. they are the bestest friends ever.

max deals with a toxic relationship during thhe show (its basically this show i made up in my head so im gonna say show) whereas this guy takes advantege of them and it fucks them up big tome. and theo is sad the entire time because he has feelings for max. more about theo down below!!!!vv

the one on the left is alex!!! shes 13 she has black hair dyed pink on the ends and shes autistic and obsessed with bombs and shes trigger-happy. shes like kind of obsessed with violent stuff but she radiates sunshine and shes literally batshit insane but i love her. she is a lesbian as seen from this photo

she is half filipino and half mexican. her father is absent and her mom is lowkey neglectful as fuck. shes also missing an eye and wears an eye badnage rhing. she dealth with lots of bullying when she was younger and actually is very dangerous she shiuld be locked up.

one on the right is sam and shes a trans lesbian. she is really kind and nice and uust goes along with everyone, but she has like a dark side n lets her walls down around her gf alex and her friends. she struggles with mental health issues and is also autistic and has a hard time showing her emotiosn and speaking. she can be serious sometimes and its kinda scary how she switches from being dark and brooding to all nice and talkative. basically she masks super hard but shes a rlly good person i love her.

she has an eating disorder. i havent decided what one but she struggles with body dysmorphia and body dysphoria. she is struggling all over

she has dark dark brown locs with gold rings in them. she has dark skin and usually wears a yellow tank top, a purple jacket and blue jeans + white shoes. pastel color scheme

sam again ^

this is theo i have way more photos of him but im too tored to go get them. hes 14 and trans and gay and i lvor him. hes kind of the smart one think tom from eddsworld. he has a goofy side thoigh and really cherishes his friends. he is autisitc too and he behaves very differently from how he thinks. he doesnt mean to come off as rude and cold but he cant help it. basically i am projecting very hard. i love him.

he has grey hair and green eyes and tan skin. his mom is white and his dad is black so he is mixed. his roots are a dark brown

he has some family issues and lives in a low-income house. he is so cool thougj i love him.

basically theyre all Utistic and go on wacky adventures Nd theyre all frienfs. theres more characters in the story and i will post them when they get named. anyways ive made like a future au for them, there are two different 'endings'for the story ive deciided

basically one is like they all be normal and max starts a company and gets all successful and alex is like super tech savvy and mechanical so shes like a worker for him and he pays her and theyre like a business duo. and theo is like a successful scientist too and i think sam is something idk but i have a deisgn for her and shes all goth snd pretty but idk what she does in tje fuyute.

the other ending (bad endging warning!!) is alex (the really unstable and trigger happy one) loses it and shoots up their school. she goes to prison for a long time and max and her friends are really bretrayed. and then they meet in the future when she gets release and their friendship is never the same and. its justnlike really angsty and sad and it makes me sad and i feel like its mean to put them througj that so i consider the ending where they grow up happy as the canon one. i still like the idea of alex going crazy so ill probably make some stuff for that

anyways tjx for listening i LOVE my ocs and i never get to talk about them. probably gonna post them more because of this. this post took 30 minutes to weite

#autism posting #infodump #oc #original character #pineappleciders #original characters #my art #my oc art #my oc stuff #ranting

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melanielocke · 2 years

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The Stars Collide - Chapter 18

I figured I might as well post the next chapter now that Alastember is over and I've had a little more time to continue writing the story. I like this one, but also found it difficult mainly because I find Matthew difficult to write, especially since he's doing a lot mentally better here and so much of how I know him in canon seems to be his mental illness/addiction. I've decided to write him as having borderline personality disorder here because I think there are signs in canon that he might have that. Alcoholism can be a sign of borderline too (high impulsivity). Alastair and Matthew do not really have the same past here as they have in canon, but when Alastair married Charles, they did not get along and Alastair did perceive Matthew as a threat due to his alcohol abuse. AO3 | Chapter list CW: Electroconvulsion therapy, discussions of borderline personality disorder

Alastair wasn’t so sure having an intake with his therapist and a first attempt at electroconvulsion therapy at the same day was such a good idea, but both had busy schedules and this was the only option he had. At least the ECT was after his appointment with his therapist, the psychiatrist who did the ECT had recommended he doesn’t do anything difficult after the treatment.

The therapist was a young woman called Mira. It was a little early to say if he liked her and if this was going to work, but she was nice at least. She mostly asked questions about his symptoms and what he hoped to achieve in therapy as today was to figure out what the problem was. He’d already filled in loads of questionnaires online before today, but Mira wanted to hear from him what he needed help with.

He'd known talking about the past, even in such a private setting, would be difficult, but hadn’t anticipated how much stress not knowing Mira well would add to that. In the end, he did tell her everything. Losing Charles, the grief he still felt. What it was like being married to him. How he could never find a moment’s peace, how he felt so empty inside.

He was not prepared for questions about his childhood either, but in the end he answered those honestly too. He forced his face into stone as he talked about what his father had been like. What he’d had to do, to keep the family together. That still affected him too, he guessed, it was just a little more buried underneath everything else. At the end of the appointment he felt completely overwhelmed from it.

‘I’ll be discussing what I’ve heard with our team before our next appointment, and then I will discuss with you our diagnosis and plan for treatment.’

‘Is there anything you can tell me about a diagnosis now?’ Alastair asked.

He knew another week was not that long a wait, but Alastair was desperate to know what was wrong with him.

‘I’d rather not give you any confusing information and wait until I’ve discussed it with our team,’ Mira said. ‘I imagine you’ll have lots of questions then and I’ll prepare to answer them as best as I can. For the next appointment you could bring your husband if you like. He might have questions too, and I always find it important that the people close to you are involved.’

Alastair hesitated for a moment. He wasn’t sure how much he wanted Thomas to know. ‘I’ll think about it. My husband is kind, but it was an arranged marriage and we haven’t known each other for long yet.’

ECT was next on his schedule and since it was outside of the palace itself Thomas joined him along with a couple of guards. It made him a little uncomfortable, but after what happened during their swim Thomas didn’t want to take any risks. Alastair had asked Queen Charlotte if she knew anything about the strange man who’d showed up at his door, had even showed her the memory, but no one had recognized him or seen him again. The palace had increased its security and Alastair could only hope that was enough.

As Christopher said, he wasn’t awake during ECT and it was nowhere near as scary as Alastair had believed it was. Still, he felt exhausted and kind of sleepy after waking up from anesthesia, not to mention it seemed like he couldn’t access his memory at all. That was worrying.

‘Is it normal that I can’t do magic at all right now?’ Alastair asked the psychiatrist.

‘I’ve never used ECT before for this indication, but I’ve had patients with severe depression and magic and typically it blocks their magic on the day. It should return after a night of sleep.’

Alastair felt oddly bare without his memory, like his brain was in scrambles and he was just waiting for someone to come take advantage of his vulnerable state. Nothing out of the ordinary happened on their trip back to the palace. No attacks, nothing.

They walked back to Thomas’ rooms, and when Thomas reached at the door, fumbled with his key, he stopped for a moment.

‘What’s wrong?’ Alastair asked.

‘I think someone broke in.’

Thomas pushed the door open and looked inside. It had been unlocked, broken open. Alastair heard footsteps inside the living room.

‘I think someone’s still in there,’ Alastair whispered.

Thomas didn’t hesitate, he ran inside, prepared to fight if that was what it took. A regular burglar was annoying, but didn’t bother him so much. He didn’t think this was a regular burglar. Someone was after Alastair. He wasn’t sure if the burglar had expected Alastair to be home or was looking on more information about their life to use against them, but he knew he needed to protect Alastair. He hadn’t heard footsteps himself and was grateful for Alastair’s sensitive hearing.

He heard Alastair behind him, yelling at him to come back, but Thomas ignored him, choosing to continue instead. If he was fast enough, he might be able to surprise the burglar and subdue them and hopefully the guard would be able to get some information out of them about who was after Alastair.

He opened the doors to the bedroom, a mess but empty, then the bathroom, same, until he opened the door to the balcony. For a moment he looked into the eyes of a young man around his age. Brown hair, pale skin. Dressed in a black suit that resembled military, though it was not what soldiers of Fair wore. No one he recognized. Then the man jumped off the balcony.

Instead of falling to his death as Thomas had expected, a parachute opened and the wind carried the man to the sea before disappearing from view. Too late. He had no idea who that was and there was no way Thomas could go after him. This could not be an ordinary burglar, what kind of burglar wore a parachute to escape in case they got caught?

He returned to the entrance, where Alastair was still waiting. ‘I called the guards,’ he said. ‘Why would you do that? You could have died!’

‘I am a pretty good fighter,’ Thomas said. ‘He got away, but if I could have subdued him and then we’d know who’s after you.’

Alastair raised his voice. ‘And if he’d had a gun? You could have gotten shot.’

Somehow, Thomas liked the idea of Alastair being concerned about him. He had a point too, running in was reckless and Thomas had not considered he might have encountered someone with a weapon. He’d been so restless lately, and this was the result. This had been the first opportunity to do something to protect Alastair and he had taken it with both hands.

‘You’re right,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m sorry. But I did get a good look at him before he escaped. Once your memory works again, we can go over it.’

Alastair frowned. ‘How did he escape? There are no other exits.’

‘Turned out he was wearing a suit with a parachute in it. He jumped off the balcony.’

‘Can I take a look – never mind that isn’t working right now.’

‘Tomorrow,’ Thomas said.

Thomas explained what had happened to the guards and immediately a unit was sent to the sea to find the man. If he’d landed in the sea, he must have either swum back to shore somewhere or been picked up by a boat and perhaps there were still traces of him somewhere. Their rooms were also being investigated and Thomas had called in a favor with Matthew to stay in his rooms for the night instead. As Crown Prince, he had a lot more space and had a guestroom.

He could feel Alastair tense up the closer they got to Matthew’s living quarters and Thomas knew it wasn’t because of Matthew himself. This was where he used to live with Charles, and while the place had changed a lot, it might bring back bad memories.

‘Maybe this was a bad idea,’ Thomas said. ‘I have other friends we can ask to stay with.’

‘I’m fine,’ Alastair said stiffly. ‘Just had a long and exhausting day, that’s all.’

‘Okay. But it’s an option, just so you know.’

Matthew had changed much about the Crown Prince’ living quarters since moving in there. Alastair recognized the general layout, but not much else. The walls had been repainted, all the furniture was new. Charles would be rolling over in his grave if he ever saw this. He had a very different taste in interiors than his younger brother. The rooms were far more colorful, Charles had liked his interior in shades of gray.

‘I heard about what happened. Mom is livid, the guards are all searching and everything. She sent some extra guards to my quarters for tonight, so you should be safe here.’

‘Thank you for letting us stay,’ Alastair said stiffly.

‘Oh, no problem. I’ve been meaning to ask you for your help with something anyway.’

Alastair frowned. ‘What kind of thing?’

He imagined it had something to do with Matthew’s new Crown Prince duties. Alastair had always kept Charles’ schedule and knew pretty much what would be expected of Matthew right now.

‘Come, I’ll show you.’

Alastair followed Matthew into the room that used to be Charles’ private office. It was strange to be allowed in here, Charles had never liked it when he came into his office without his permission. The room was messy, but then it had also been when Charles had used it. Alastair had not cleaned it as often as the rest of their quarters.

Matthew started his computer and then showed him some pictures of different designs for clothes. All were very brightly colored and extravagant.

‘What do you think?’

Alastair frowned. ‘I thought you wanted to ask me about Crown Prince duties?’

Matthew waved his hand. ‘Of course not. Who cares? Now, this is important. These are my new designs. They’re going to be all the rage next season.’

‘They’re hideous,’ Alastair said.

‘Thanks! That’s exactly what I needed to know. If you hate them, they’re bound to be a success.’

Alastair rolled his eyes. ‘What’s wrong with you?’

‘Borderline personality disorder, thanks for asking,’ Matthew said with a smile. ‘But I’m not letting that stop me from being an amazing designer.’

Alastair fell silent for a moment, his anger fading away. ‘And you’re comfortable… talking about that?’

‘I wasn’t always. But it makes me feel more normal making not too big of a deal of it,’ Matthew said. ‘Charles always told me not to speak of it, but I refuse to be ashamed. It’s not my fault I have borderline. I wanted to do a public interview about it sometime, but that’s going to be complicated now that I’m Crown Prince. I can only imagine the articles proclaiming that someone with borderline should never become King. It’s not like I ever wanted that anyway.’

‘I admit I don’t really know much about borderline,’ Alastair said. ‘What does it mean for you?’

Matthew and Alastair walked back to the living room. Thomas was in the kitchen making dinner.

‘Do you need any help?’ Alastair asked.

‘Just instructions on how to use the oven,’ Thomas said.

Matthew went to help Thomas and then came back to the living room, sitting down opposite of Alastair.

‘We were talking about borderline… It’s a personality disorder, which I found difficult to digest at first because it implies there’s something wrong with your personality,’ Matthew said. ‘Personality disorders almost always occur after childhood trauma or neglect. I view it more as a pattern of behavior you can get stuck in after not learning healthy coping in childhood.’

Alastair wondered what that meant for him. He’d just had an intake today and he had talked about his experiences with his father. He’d considered he might have PTSD with how he tended to fall back into memories, but he hadn’t thought about personality disorders at all.

‘In my case, I think being a prince is part of what went wrong,’ Matthew said. ‘It makes for an odd childhood even with the best parents. My mom was often too busy and while I’m close to my father he was caught up in work a lot too. I don’t blame either of them but I would have been a lot better off not being born in the royal family. It’s not so easy being in the spotlight all the time. Everyone had expectations of me, and while Charles was the perfect public image of a prince, I was never good enough, not smart enough…’

‘It must be difficult to be in the spotlight so much while you’re young,’ Alastair said. ‘On my home planet, I was considered a lower prince, too far removed from the Shah to be interesting. My mother didn’t have many royal responsibilities as a princess. I found it difficult to adjust to being in the news a lot after marrying Charles. Everyone kept writing about how unlikeable I am.’

‘Exactly. It sucks. The most obvious symptom of borderline to me is being very unstable in my emotions,’ Matthew said. ‘My mood goes pretty far into the extremes and changes quickly, and in response to minor things.’

Alastair frowned. ‘I thought those were symptoms of bipolar disorder.’

‘No,’ Matthew said. ‘My mother thought that too at first. With bipolar there are episodes of depression and episodes of mania, but no sudden changes in mood like I have. I’m also very impulsive. I spend way more money than I should.’

‘Don’t you have that kind of money?’

‘That doesn’t mean I should just spend it all whenever I feel like,’ Matthew said. ‘My mom threatened to cut me off several times. I’m not spending so much anymore. I also used to drink a lot.’

Alastair shuddered. ‘I remember that. How did you stop?’

‘I went to a detox clinic,’ Matthew said. ‘And then schema therapy for borderline, which was the root cause. I haven’t had any alcohol in four years.’

His father had never gone to a detox clinic. His mother had begged him for years, Alastair too, but he has refused. He’d kept denying there was a problem at all, and Alastair had concluded he just didn’t care. The concept of someone willingly going into treatment for an addiction was something he found difficult to process. He hadn’t known that was possible.

‘I’m glad you stopped.’

‘I can tell. I think the drinking was part of why you hated me so much,’ Matthew said.

‘I thought you were a danger to the people around you,’ Alastair said evenly.

‘I’m not anymore,’ Matthew said. ‘I’m doing a lot better nowadays. Schema therapy helped me figure out why I behaved the way I do, and where my emotions come from. The thing is, when your emotions are so extreme, you’ll do anything to feel good for a moment. Drinking dulled the emotion. Buying luxury materials made me feel better for a little while. And I had a lot of sex with lots of different people. Being wanted made me feel good about myself for a little while, but it all came crashing down every time someone did not want to stay.

The one thing that really helped for me, apart from the therapy, was designing. I used to believe my looks were my only positive trait, but I realized I could make something and was actually pretty good at it. I still struggle with critics, but so far my reviews have been overwhelmingly positive. Charles believed it was all very shameful and I shouldn’t talk about it. He probably said stuff like that to you too?’

Alastair stiffened. ‘Thomas didn’t tell you anything, right?’

‘He didn’t, but I know Charles,’ Matthew said. ‘I know he probably made you feel ashamed of whatever you felt that was inconvenient to him.’

Alastair looked away, he wasn’t sure he could have this conversation. He felt the emotions rising, and it took everything he had to keep it from showing.

‘How did you know there’s something wrong with me?’

He wanted to sound angry, but he couldn’t quite manage it.

‘The only thing that’s wrong with you is that you’re a bitch,’ Matthew said with smile. ‘I really don’t know anything about your mental health issues except that anyone who has been around Charles for that long is bound to have them.’

Alastair stared at Matthew for a moment. ‘You knew? You knew what he was?’

Matthew was silent for a long time, closed his eyes and took a deep breath in and out. ‘I knew how he used to treat me. I didn’t know what he’d done to you. We hated each other and it wasn’t like I came over a lot. Sure, I couldn’t picture anyone being happy with Charles, but that’s more because he’s my obnoxious and very uncharming older brother. But mom and dad were so sure you two were happy together. I didn’t question it. Maybe I should have, I don’t know.’

Alastair sighed, what could he have expected? He and Matthew weren’t close. He hadn’t been close to any of Charles’ relatives. Matthew hadn’t known, and neither had Henry and Charlotte. How could they have? Alastair would have died before letting any of them see the bruises.

‘Oh. No, I guess you couldn’t have known,’ Alastair said. ‘It’s just, you said you knew what he was like.’

‘He and I never got along, but I was his annoying and messy younger brother,’ Matthew said. ‘I thought that was normal for siblings. After you married Thomas, he brought up his suspicions to me. That was before he’d talked about it with you. You can’t blame him for that, it’s a difficult situation for him too.’

Alastair knew that was true. Thomas had suddenly been married to him and had to deal with all the issues he brought along. Nevertheless, it made him deeply uncomfortable to think Thomas had spoken about his marriage to Charles with Matthew of all people.

‘I know that,’ Alastair said, closing his eyes to try to blink away the tears.

‘Look, I’ve been through lots and lots of therapy and I’ve even been hospitalized. But in the end, it did make a difference and I’m doing a lot better. It might take some time for you too, but you’ll get there. You’re a lot smarter than me at least.’

Alastair didn’t really know what to say to that except nod weakly and disappear into the kitchen to find Thomas.

@alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne @ikissedsmithparker

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Matthew Fairchild #the last hours #tlh #the stars collide #fanfiction

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capricornwriter5 · 11 months

Text

Always on time - Chapter 16c

Pairing: Jooheon x female OC

Genre: childhood friends to enemies, enemies to friends, friends to lovers, smut (later chapters), fluff, angst, slow burn, idol AU!

Warning: mentions of mental health issues, mentions of workaholic disorder, curse words

Words: 3.1k

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Chapter 16c

"Miss Seo, we weren’t expecting you today, especially with company," said the club owner.

Julie and Jooheon had arrived at the club almost four hours ago. They had stopped for coffee on the way, so they arrived after 4 in the afternoon and asked the manager to let the Doh brothers know they wanted to see them. The owners took all the time they wanted until the staff finally moved them to a private room where the eldest of the brothers was.

"My niece is a fan of yours, Mr. Lee, would you mind giving me your autograph before you leave?"

"Sure, as soon as we resolve the misunderstanding, it will be a pleasure," Jooheon replied.

"I don’t think there’s any misunderstanding," Mr. Doh replied. "We gave our rental terms to Miss Seo and her team, that’s all".

"That is why we are here, Mr. Doh" Julie began, "to understand a little the arguments that support your new terms".

"Very simple: if I close my club, I lose money; if I lose money, I can’t pay the bills at the end of the month" began the owner. "I’m a man who always puts his business before anything, so you’ll understand that I need fair compensation if I’m going to take a risk".

"The initial amount was more than fair compensation," Julie continued. "We did our homework, Mr. Doh, and we know how the numbers move in your area of business".

"We also did our homework, Miss Seo," the club owner countered with a tone of voice that pleased neither Julie nor Jooheon. "I don’t have much interest in negotiating the terms I sent you, and before you think about finding another location, let me be a good colleague and let you know that you will not find another place to rent space at a lower price. Rumors fly, miss, and rumors of high society too".

"Excuse me?"

"I imagine your companion is trustworthy," said Mr. Doh, seeing Jooheon.

Julie was losing patience. Areum had spent all morning researching the place and when Julie called her to ask if she had found anything, her friend said no. Outside of some drunken fights, the place was quite popular among young people. They had recently remodeled one of the halls and had tried to promote the new section as an exclusive room, perfect for high-level executive meetings. However, although they were trying to change their image, people still saw it as a youngsters bar.

"Whatever you need to say, you can say it in front of him" she declared.

"Well, in that case, and since it’s just the three of us, I’ll tell you what might make me rethink the terms I proposed to you," Doh began. "I guess the problem is the production budget, right? Although you always have a couple of thousand won in reserve for emergencies... Anyway, what I’m asking for is very simple and I imagine your fiancé won’t have a hard time doing you a favor, Miss Seo".

Engaged? Jooheon thought. Jules... has a fiancé? No, no, no, it can’t be that piece of a biped, can it? What the hell?

What the fuck is he talking about? Julie thought at the same time. This guy is an idiot.

"I’m sorry to tell you that I do not understand what you want from me, Mr. Doh" replied Julianne. "Although I think there has been a confusion..."

"No confusion and don’t worry, Miss Seo," the club owner cut her off. "I fully understand that in high society these things are handled with greater discretion, so my lips are sealed. I told you, we also did our homework. But don’t worry, the favor is very simple. We know that Mr. Lee Kang Dae’s company, your fiancé, has a monthly meeting with the biggest investors; that meeting is held at an exclusive club near here. All we ask is that you kindly convince Mr. Lee to do his next meeting at our club. With that, we can return to the initial terms of the contract".

Everyone was silent for a few seconds.

"I cannot help you with your request, Mr. Doh," Julie replied, breaking the silence.

"Really?" said Mr. Doh surprised, though his tone was utterly sarcastic. "I understand that the first reaction is to refuse, but I am sure that Mr. Lee will be glad to know I found a simpler and cheaper solution after our talk".

"Excuse me?" Julianne asked. "What talk?"

"Ahhh, I guess you haven’t had time to chat," continued Mr. Doh. "You see, I sent you the new proposal yesterday morning, and what a surprise it was to receive a call hours later from a person claiming to be a general manager of your company asking to sign the original contract. He told me that if I did, I would receive two checks, one from Highlight Ent, and one from the Deputy Director with the difference. You will understand that everything seemed very strange to me, so I put my people to work and you can imagine how surprised I was to learn that behind it all was Sound Wave Entertainment, a small company recently acquired by your fiancé. Anyway, since I don’t like to do things halfway, I took the liberty of returning the call, and a very nice girl communicated me with Mr. Lee. He agreed to the terms, but I thought I could show that my intention is to build a more lasting business relationship and..."

"Like I said," Julianne cut him standing up, "I can’t help you. I’m sorry to tell you that your people do not have the correct information and I very much doubt that Kang-Dae-ssi was the person you spoke to. You see, he and I are neither engaged nor have any kind of close relationship; my private life is mine and I don’t have to explain it to anyone, but since your people are incompetent, I guess I’ll have to clarify the matter: Mr. Lee and I were in a formal relationship for five years, but that relationship ended recently. We haven’t had any type of contact since, and besides, Mr. Lee isn’t in the country, so no girl with a local number would have been able to connect you to his private line. Thank you for your time, but since we can’t reach an agreement, we’d better finish the meeting here. Excuse me".

Julie quickly left the room and Jooheon was right behind her. Mr. Doh tried to stop them from leaving, but Julianne was so upset that she was barely able to evade the people dancing around her.

Jooheon’s mind was blank. He knew he must not be happy, but joy invaded him when he heard that Jules had broken up with Kang-Dae, and was afraid that a smile would come off at the worst time. Calm down, Jooheon-ah, thought the rapper. Calm down, now the important thing is to see that Jules is okay.

They both got to the car and Julie’s phone started vibrating just as she opened the passenger door. It was Kang-Dae.

Julie didn’t want to answer. She was so angry that she felt like she was going to cry at any moment. However, she needed to vent her anger and this call confirmed that what she had heard was true. There are no coincidences in life.

"You know, oppa, a few years ago you were smarter," Julianne replied in an acid-filled voice. "You would have never made things so obvious".

Jooheon stood still with his hand on the driver’s door. He stared at Julie, but she had turned her back and Jooheon could see how tense she was. He was also tense, didn’t know what to do or what to say, and couldn’t believe that idiot called her either.

"And why should I listen to you?" Julie kept screaming. Jooheon couldn’t hear what Kang-Dae was saying on the phone, so he could only guess the parts of the conversation. "No, I don’t care at all. I don’t care if you thought you had a good reason to, in the first place, have someone follow me... Do you think I’m an idiot? Do you think I don’t know how you work? You and all the monkeys in suits around you are always the same... I can say whatever I want! And I have every right to be angry!... Are you aware of how ridiculous you sound? What you did is almost industrial espionage... don’t you dare tell me I exaggerate... there’s no other way you knew what I was doing. Areum would never have talked to you, and just so you know, I know all the times you called her and... I don’t care about that! To be very clear, Lee Kang-Dae, you have no right to spy on my public or private life, my job is mine and in the years we were together I never asked you to pull your strings, what made you think I would appreciate you meddling in my affairs now? I don’t want to hear excuses or reasons, don’t intervene, don’t help me, don’t call me, nothing. If it’s a success or if it’s a failure I want it to be mine, not someone else’s, and keep your worries to yourself. We’re not together anymore, so my personal image shouldn’t affect yours. At the end of the day, that was what mattered most to you, right? So leave me alone. We’re done and I have nothing more to say to you".

Julie hung up the phone and Jooheon stayed where he was waiting for her to calm down. He could hear Julie’s deep breaths and knew the girl was holding back tears, as her voice broke a little before hanging up.

Before the rapper could do or say anything, Julie turned around and entered the car. Jooheon also entered and saw Julianne put on her belt, rest her head on the back of the seat and close her eyes.

She didn’t say anything and Jooheon didn’t ask. He just started the engine and started driving.

After driving quietly for about 20 minutes, Julie opened her eyes and turned on the radio. She set up a random station and they both kept going with the background music.

"I’m sorry you had to hear that," Julie said after a while.

"You shouldn’t apologize for anything in this situation, Jules," Jooheon said. "If anyone has the right to explode, it’s you."

"Still not my best moment," she continued.

"On the contrary," Jooheon said. "I mean, the situation sucks, but what did you say on the phone? UUFFFF, that was great!"

Julie just laughed dryly, and Jooheon continued:

"I’m serious. I mean, that was a knock-out, Jules, he never saw it coming and he had no way to defend himself. Besides, you have to teach me to talk that fast, in all my years in this industry, I have NEVER heard anyone spit out syllables so fast and so accurately, AND WITHOUT BREATHING!"

Julie laughed again, but this time it was a genuine laugh. She felt empty, had no energy to do anything and just wanted to be alone, but they still had an hour to go.

At that moment, she received a message from Areum telling her that they already knew how to rent the park they had seen. When reading the message, she realized the time, it was almost 9 pm, the night was beautiful and it was Saturday: it was the perfect day to go on a date.

Julie was convinced something was going on between Areum and Jooheon. While it is true that the rumors she had heard in the bathroom were a little exaggerated, everything seemed to click too well and she was convinced that she had found all the clues and subtle signs that both had tried to hide. While the idea did not make her entirely happy, neither would she lose her friend to a guy.

"I’m sorry you had to spend your Saturday night like this," Julie told Jooheon.

"Nah, Jules, I told you, you don’t have to apologize for anything," he replied. "Besides, I think it was a productive day, despite everything".

"Yes, well... although I’m sure one night with Areum-ah would have been more fun," Julianne continued. In her head, she was being subtle, although clearly that was not her strong suit.

"Auch, Jules, it hurts," Jooheon said, not understanding Julie’s message. "I know she’s your best friend, but I’m not bad, you know?"

"Yes, yes, yes..."

"Also!" the rapper continued. "I was your friend long before Areum-ah. Did you forget when I defended you in kindergarten from the kids who laughed at you for the way you drank your juice?"

"Defend me?" said Julie. "If I remember correctly, I ended up defending YOU because someone thought he could win against 4 older children"

"That’s not important here. My point is that we were friends long before Areum-ah moved to the neighborhood..."

"Okay, well, I give up... we’re not in kindergarten, you know?"

"You were the one who said that hanging out with Areum-ah would be more fun than hanging out with me," Jooheon grumbled at the wheel.

"I meant you," Julie said softly. She was taking a risk, and saying the words didn’t make her very happy either, but she wasn’t going to stop there. "I bet you would have had a better time with Areum-ah."

The comment took Jooheon completely by surprise. He looked back at Julie and the girl’s look confused him even more. She was waiting for him to say something, but the rapper did not know what, so he just remained silent for a few minutes.

"Jules, if you open the hand compartment in front of you, you will find a wallet," Jooheon said. "Can you open it?"

Julie did what the rapper asked. When she opened the wallet, she saw that it was full of old, yellow, and wrinkled papers.

"Yah, Jooheon-ah, you should improve your cleaning habits," mocked Julie. "You have pure garbage here"

"None of that is garbage" defended Jooheon. "Don’t wrinkle or throw anything away".

"It is impossible to wrinkle these papers more than they already are".

"It’s not my fault" he continued. "Years ago Kihyun-hyung had an obsessive lapse and started throwing out a lot of things we had in the dorm. You can’t imagine what I had to do to get those papers back, and I’ve been hiding them here ever since".

"Well, what do you want them for?"

"There is a triangle-shaped folded paper. It is grey and the paper is thick".

"This?"

"That" said Jooheon excited. "Unfold it".

Julie did what he asked without knowing why and when she opened the paper she found a very familiar drawing. She had sent it to Jooheon by fan mail after the first Monsta X concert. She remembered watching videos of the guys' presentations on the internet and, although at the time her grudge against the rapper had not gone down, as a friend she felt incredibly proud, so she decided to draw a portrait of Jooheon and send it to him.

Julie had completely forgotten about that drawing. It was probably one of the last ones she did before her father died, and she felt incredibly embarrassed after sending him.

"I did get it, Jules" Jooheon said after a few minutes. "You sent it to me after our first concert... as you promised you would".

At that time, Julie remembered the promise she had made to the Jooheon while they were still in school:

"Come on, Juleeees" Jooheon begged. "Make me a portrait, will you? This is my best profile".

"Jooheon-ah, I don’t have time" she replied. "I have homework to do and final exams are coming up and..."

"Come ooooooon, tell me you willllllll"

"No".

"But you’ve drawn all your friends and your family," Jooheon complained. "It’s my turn, I’m the only one without a portrait".

"Jooheon-ah, I can do it later and..."

"We may not be able to see each other later," Jooheon insisted. "The reality show is about to begin and if I am among the selected, I will debut, I will become famous and we will not be able to see each other for a while... Who knows for how long?! And you won’t be able to see my face up close to see how handsome I am".

"Look, how about this?" Julie proposed. "You let me study quietly and after exams..."

"After the exams, the reality show will be over and..."

"AFTER THE EXAMS... if you remain a common mortal, you will have your portrait," promised Julie. "And if you’re an idol by then, I’ll go to a performance of your group and draw you on stage... deal?"

"Deal".

Julie had also forgotten that promise, but maybe that explained why she needed to make that drawing at the time.

"Actually, after our debut, I was waiting for your drawing" Jooheon began. "I mean, we didn’t have much freedom to communicate with other people, but I always thought that one day I would open my eyes and there it would be".

Jooheon waited a few minutes for Julie to say something, but as the girl was silent, he continued.

"You can imagine my surprise a year later when Minhyuk-hyung opened an anonymous letter that had that drawing inside," Jooheon continued. "They bothered me for days for being a narcissist... especially because I didn’t even let them touch the paper".

"How? I didn’t..." Julie began quietly.

"I just have to see it to know it’s yours," he replied. "Don’t even try to deny it, Jules. We may have changed a lot over the years, but you’re still you, and I’m still me... The important things haven’t changed between us, as much as you want to deny it".

A couple of tears came down Julie’s cheeks and she cleaned them up fast.

"Why show me this?" she asked. "You could’ve just told me you had it".

"Receiving that was one of the happiest times I’ve ever had," Jooheon said without directly answering Julianne’s question. "I don’t know if you knew, but you sent it to me at a very difficult time for us, and knowing that you were watching and supporting us made me want to do better... Whenever I needed encouragement, you gave it to me, Jules. And I wouldn’t have preferred anyone else to, just you... because a lot of my best memories are with you, Jules, not with anyone else. And right now, I wouldn’t choose to be with anyone else".

Julie didn’t know what to say. She didn’t even know what to feel, as she was very confused by what had happened in the last few days and by what was happening at that moment, so she preferred to re-fold the drawing and put everything where it was before.

She just laid her head back and closed her eyes.

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#monsta x #monbebe #monsta x lee jooheon #jooheon fanfic #joohoney #jooheon #monsta x fanfic #i.m monsta x #lee jooheon #monsta x jooheon

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contentissues · 1 year

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SPOILERS for The Crowded Room. Available on Apple TV.

June 19th 2023

The Crowded Room Thoughts / My Opinion so far as to what is happening

Episode 4

Facts of the TV Show:

Danny(Tom Holland) is talking to an old business associate(Jack) of his father(Peter Sullivan) when you learn that Jack knows who Yitzak(the man that Danny stays with) is and gives the last name for him which is Safdie. We also learn that Jack has not spoken to Dannys father in years(how many is not specified).

My own thoughts: This is where I am starting to wonder if the man Jack(Dannys fathers old associate) is actually a friend or foe. Movies and shows tend to flip people like this that seem like they are here to help the main character. Learning that Jack has not spoken to Petter Sullivan in years leads me more to the thought that either the man Jack is a less likely “friend” and more likely a reason for the character Petter to have left or be in hiding. Maybe even the character Jack has killed the father of Danny. Jack seems genuine up until he says “Quiet the curious one aren’t you.” A phrase that commonly in film tends to lead to a sinister character lying about a situation. Jack still seems genuine after talking about Yitzak Safdie. Even more so now as he discusses that he kept his “promise”.

Facts of the Show:

Danny tells the detective that Jack called Yitzak. In this talk on the payphone Jack says that he is earning Dannys trust and Yitzak asks if its wise to let him drink before a job and that the job isn’t earning the trust of Danny and Jack says that Jack will deliver and Yitzak says that the boy meaning Danny must deliver.

My thoughts on the show:

I am assuming that in this moment where we learn this new information on the two characters Yitzak and Jack that they are trying to get in touch with the character of Dannys father, Peter. The detective talking to Danny about how he knows this information asking “you saw him out the window in a booth how could you know what he was saying?” Leads me to believe that the character Danny is playing all of these characters in his head.

Even more evidence that this is setup to make you think that the character is possibly going to be a multiple personalities type of character is with the line “ Git rid of your passport Danny and any connection to me and go home.” This is Jack wanting Danny to own up to his mistake and to take the most likely prison time for shooting two people.

Facts of the show:

The detective asked Danny “Why do you think they would disappear and just leave everything that they own.”

My thoughts on the show:

So the word disappear could allude to the characters that Danny has interacted with throughout this story so far are made up characters that just vanished because of what I would assume is a disease or mental disability.

With that said it is all still in the possibility that Danny is still telling the truth.

Facts of the show:

Jack shows up in the interrogation room. The detective is now questioning him. Tells Jack that “I think its time that he knows the truth” and the detective say he is referring to Danny.

My thoughts on the show:

This is an undeniable moment that I have decided the truth is Danny has multiple personality disorder. The clear omission of Jack coming to the police station or even the united states for that matter. And just now thinking back to the character of Danny going to the UK to see Jack could all have just been an imagining for Danny being that it would be hard for him as a young man trying to leave the country after committing a crime in daylight with lots seeing him do so and that person that he was trying to shoot was his stepfather so I am sure that the police would have been watching for him too try to flee.

Fact if the show:

The detective asks what happened to Dannys brother and Danny decides that he’s done talking.

My thoughts in the show:

Possibility that Danny may have killed his brother but from an earlier scene where Danny looks to the house and hears a rope straining and some noises I would assume that his brother committed suicide by hanging himself.

#Thecrowdedroom #tv shows #apple tv #theory #entertainment

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inneskeeper-receipts · 1 year

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RE: the necrophilia and beastiality thing;

Necrophilia is a paraphilia that ranges in how it presents and works from individual to individual. For me, it is purely a fantasy, and not something I ever plan on seeking out in real life- one where I am the corpse. I have experienced a lot of sexual, physical, and emotional trauma since I was a young child which has resulted in me developing this paraphilia. Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to actually engage in this kind of necrophilia in real life because if I was for real dead I couldn’t enjoy it, lol.

(aside: I’d recommend reading up on paraphilias and how they really work rather than what you’ve been taught from pop culture, human sexuality and psychology is really interesting!)

It isn’t something that actually bothers me or necessarily hinders me, especially not anymore, unlike the intrusive thoughts which I suffer from OCD, meaning that it’s not disordered. It took me a while to process for sure. Which, by the way, OCD is what I have, not rejection-sensitive dysphoria, but I guess he is going to armchair diagnose me now? That’s... not really necessary, because I was always very open about my mental health struggles with him throughout the duration of our relationship.

Paraphilias, while often taboo, are separate from morality. We are not our thoughts, our compulsions, or our desires; they do not solely define us, nor do they make us “good” or “bad”. They just are. What matters is our behavior, which only you can be accountable for at the end of the day.

I don’t have any proof to say that Innes would intentionally disclose secretive information about himself only through voice calls on purpose so that I would never have any proof of anything he told me or anything he did to me. I want to believe that this is not some intentional thing he did, but there were plenty of highly calculated fucked up things he did to me that took time. But I don’t have a confession or “proof” of this specific thing. I have some screenshots and scraps here and there. It has been a few years, I have been through a lot. Now that drama-stirrers have gotten involved and he’s directly responding to my claims and experiences, I wouldn’t be surprised if he also started dirty deleting from old chats. I wish I’d had the foresight to archive them in some way, but this whole situation is a lot.

all of that preempting aside, if Innes was merely a paraphile, or just had problematic kinks/was into fictional feral, that would be his personal business and I would not bring it up. It’s not our thoughts, it’s our behaviors that matter. If it affects your life/disturbs you (if it is disordered, in other words) then you should be encouraged to seek help for it, but you can’t force someone to it. However, he admitted to engaging in beastiality with real-life dogs over voice chats on Discord, multiple times.

He even talked about wanting to get a dog to be his “partner.” I told him this made me uncomfortable and upset but sometimes I felt like I had no other choice but to humor him on this stuff, because he always found a way to twist things around and make me feel guilty for not being okay with his pro-contact zoophilia. like how he would say that his came from trauma too. the problem isn’t the paraphilia itself but that if you act on it you’re taking advantage of an animal’s trust in you when they can’t possibly consent in real life, and even if you have a paraphilia as a result of a traumatic event that doesn’t really give you a free pass to do things that hurt other living beings.

When it comes to this all I can do is tell my truth and know that the people who believe me will, and they’ll have my back, and that is what matters ultimately. I just am tired of being told to keep quiet about my experiences, I need to be able to talk about this actually. I’m scared, for now, but it’ll get better and I’ll feel better for finally being able to admit to myself and to others that what I went through wasn’t okay.

The screenshotted discussion was being had in a channel explicitly for serious discussions, and I did not and still don’t allow minors into my discord servers. This wasn’t something I had just brought up in a general chat, for no reason. (& it’s also not something I’m terribly secretive about.) We frequently had discussions like that in that chat, but multiple people privately messaged me to tell me that Innes at this specific instance made them uncomfortable, and we changed the subject.

I cropped out the part where I was discussing necrophilia because it just wasn’t relevant, because I’m not fucking real-life corpses unlike how Innes confessed to engaging in real-life beastiality.

Originally, this sideblog was just a dumping grounds for my thoughts on this matter, and I’ve privated/deleted/edited a lot of my posts for a variety of reasons. I don’t remember everything I’ve posted on here all of the time, but nonetheless, I should’ve included a better, more complete and coherent context of the screenshots for the sake of clarity and transparency, and I’m sorry for any confusion or anger I might’ve caused by not doing that.

I went back and edited some posts earlier, and tumblr is finally showing the option to make things unrebloggable (I literally haven’t had it on any of my blogs until like, this morning. webbed site. still don’t have the option on the app.) so I might go and make a bunch of my posts unrebloggable because if people are just going to try and stir drama rather than actually like. engage or listen to me or do anything useful/constructive, I don’t really want any part of it tbh

#inneskeeper #zoo*

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memphisfaith · 2 years

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Hearts of Lust: Chapter 18

Pairing Kim Namjoon X Reader

Genre: Collage!AU, Smut

Word Count: 1K

Warning: Cursing, mentions of smut, smut, consumption of alcohol, mentions of violence, violence, crack personality disorders, Chaotic energy.

Summary: College is any young adult's prime years, at least that's what Lee (y/n) and Kim Namjoon thought. The two are infamous for two reasons, by two very different crowds. Among the professors they are picture perfect students with perfect scores, attendance, and image. However, among the student body they're the very essence of lust with amazing bodies, sex appeal, and skill. The two, although strikingly similar, butt heads quite a bit with competitions of everything from grades to who can get a person to drop their pants the fastest. With the two of them ready to conquer the school year it's all a matter of Go Big or Home.

Yoongi found a gift for Jungkook but I had no luck. I knew the gift I wanted to get Jungkook but I'd have to order it online. So without any more luck Yoongi drove me home and we both crashed at my place.

The next morning I made us breakfast but he left soon after. I decided to get dressed and head to school. The school was well within walking distance from my place, but Yoongi doesn't like it when I walk.

I got to school and used the key Mrs.Withrow gave me to get into the art room. The president of the art club gets to have a spare key to help run events and meetings when she's not here, But she also lets me use it for personal uses as well.

Like now, I walked to the back room to my station and began to work on the painting for the competition. Within a few hours a had finished the sea and ship, But if you look closely you can see an abnormally large fishtail peeking out of the waves of the ocean.

I moved on to the sky. It's mostly clear except for the dark storm cloud in the far background. I finally pull away from the painting and look at the clock. It's late and I've been here just about all day.

I tapped on my phone to see I had missed a call from Yoongi and a few texts from our group chat. Nothing too major but I call Yoongi anyway. "Hey," I call into the phone once he picks up, "Oh you finally decided to call me back?" He sasses.

I roll my eyes and prop my phone between my ear and shoulder as I clean my tools. "Sorry, I was finishing the first piece of my project," I excuse washing out my water cup and brushes. "The one you're going to enter into National?" He questions and I hum in agreement.

"You actually finished it?" He asks in disbelief, I nod my head with a laugh "Yeah but only the first one, I still need to start the second and last one." I mumble mentally thinking how long it should roughly take me.

"You started this one at the beginning of the year! how are you going to finish two more before winter break?" He scoffs. I hum in response, "That same way you can write ten songs one day and barely finish one another," I chide.

Nothing comes from his end of the line and I laugh smugly, "I thought so," I continue to laugh. "Are you busy?" I ask him, "No," he answers. "Could you take me home? I walked to school and it'll be dark by the time I'm half way home." I ask.

"Sure thing darling, I'll be there in a bit." He answers before hanging up. I smile and hang up my phone and finish cleaning up. I make my way to the front and wait for Yoongi. But there was this guy there too.

As I get closer I recognize him as the boyfriend of my secretary officer for the art club. He looks up from his phone when I get closer and smiles at me. I give him a friendly nod in greeting before turning away from him.

I may be a whore, but I'm a whore with morals and standards. Helping someone cheat on another person is definitely something I don't do. In a matter of minutes I feel him shuffle closer to me. I stiffen and move away before he moves again.

"Listen, I may not be the purest girl here, but that doesn't mean I'm into what you're trying to dish out." I spoke stiffly. Said guy doesn't seem to get the memo as an arm wraps around my waste. I glare at him harshly before gripping his arm.

However I hiss as his grip on my waist tightens. Just as I'm about to tell him to get off, the loud rawar of Yoongi's car pulls into the parking lot. Relief floods my body as the guy's grip disappears but it leaves a dull ache in its place. Yoongi pulls into the spot in front of us and eyes us questionably.

I sent him a bright smile and rushed to get into the car. "Who is that?" He questions, eyeing the guy in front of his car looks all too smug. "Just a guy. His girlfriend is the secretary in my club." answer. Yoongi hums, "What he'd want?" He continues to ask, why does he find him so interesting?

"He was just talking about his girlfriend and all the pieces she's been working on," I wave off. Yoongi nods and lets it go before taking me home. The ride home is peaceful despite the tense situation before, but he didn't need to know about that.

When I got home Yoongi decided to stay for dinner, While I cooked he watched T.V. in the living room. While cooking I accidently knocked my hip against the counter and a sharp ache shot threw me.

I hiss quietly, and look down. It's the same side that guy and his hand on. I quickly finished what I was doing and poked my head into the living room, "Hey Yoongi, Imma go to the bathroom real quick make sure nothing burns." I said before walking off the bathroom.

As soon as I made it in I closed the door and locked it, I turned to the mirror. I lift my shirt and pull down my pants. There right on my hip is a purple hand sized bruise complete with a few small finger print sized ones surrounding it.

Oh shit, if Yoongi sees this he's gonna lose his shit. I swallow hard and put my clothes back in its place. I flush the toilet to make it seem like I actually went to the bathroom and washed my hands.

I make my way back to the kitchen and give Yoongi a heads up that I'm back as I pass the living room. He doesn't look away from the T.V. and continues watching the show. I get to the kitchen and let out a quiet breath. How the hell am I going to keep this hidden?

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#kim namjoon smut #kim namjoon x y/n #kim namjoon x you #kim namjoon x reader #kim seokjin #min yoongi #jung hoseok #park jimin #kim taehyung #jeon jungkook #ot7 #ot7 x reader #ot7 smut

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the-good-bad-truth · 2 years

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Is TikTok the worst social media ever created? I might be biased because I'm not on TikTok nor would I like to be. I do feel that every social media is bad but I feel TikTok specifically has a lot of hate or darkness to it. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes see TikToks whether they are posted on other social media that i do use like Instagram or YouTube. I also think one positive thing is there are some really cool and niche communities like booktok, decade, or thrift flip TikTok. However, I feel that there are certain communities or people in TikTok that are toxic. For example, that whole side where people will either fake or self diagnose with a mental disorder. There is also this weird, kind of creepy vibe I get when most dance or any challenges are very sexual or provocative. I'm not trying to say that people can't be sexy or be confident in their looks but it just gets a little weird when I see 13 yr olds making thirst traps to doja cat or talking about how they have a choking kink. At the same time, I remember when I was 13 and some of the kids in my middle school would be talking about having sex, doing drugs or drinking. Now that I'm 21 I look back on that and think that was pretty wild and these kids were trying to grow up way too fast. Another problem that I have with TikTok is the popular tiktokers. I just feel that some don't have a talent or provide any real form of content cuz they got popular cuz of their looks so they find other ways of fame like singing, modeling, or starting a clothing/skincare brand. I watched a little bit of the damelio reality show and watched a reaction to the hype house Netflix. I tried to understand and find something that was relatable but specifically hype house, most members didn't want to put in the work or would feel overwhelmed cuz of fame. There was this one clip, my sister pointed out to me, when Charli is having a meeting with her team of like 10 people and they lay out these binders of what her schedule is for each month of the year. Later on her mom asks the team if Charli is going to have time on her own to dance or learn a language. At that moment I felt like damn this teen girl who just thought itd be fun and cute to dance on an app is now turned into a business that she has to run and made it possible for her older sister who made fun of TikTok to go on tour with Big Time Rush. That's alot of pressure. I also think it's weird how their parents follow them everywhere and I'm all for family support but they go on vacations, follow a 20 year old Dixie on tour, events, moved the whole family to L.A. It just seems almost as if they are helicopter parents or living vicariously through their daughters. Overall, I feel that TikTok does have its good&bad but I think it depends on who it specifically benefits. If you are young, mostly white, attractive then you could reap the benefits. But if you're a smaller creator who's not in L.A then your talent/content can either be stolen by bigger creators or u will have a harder time pushing ur videos.

#toxic #hollywood #fake #pretty privilege #music #tiktok #charli d'amelio #dixie d'amelio #addison rae #lil huddy #hype house #Social media #Cringe #Creative

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anniedayne · 2 months

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Week 8: AUGMENTED REALITY FILTERS

Most women want to appear beautiful in front of everyone, but if they can't be beautiful in real life, they can still live virtually online. With today's advanced technology, turning a woman into a completely different woman is an extremely simple task. Known as the first online beauty tools, Snapchat and Instagram have successfully created filters and now play a crucial role of popular culture that girls have come to rely on. According to a report, 76% of Snapchat users use AR filters daily, and 600 million people use them on Facebook or Instagram monthly (Bhatt, 2020).

These filters provide the function of changing one or more features of a person's body and face when they take a photo, it can make skin brighter, the face smaller, the eyes bigger, etc. In addition, some filters can also incorporate stickers or effects, such as dog face or flower wreath filters (once very popular among young people). Increasingly, filters are becoming more diverse and upgraded to make them look more natural and real. Therefore, this situation is increasingly increasing as young people become too virtual and always have to depend on filters, losing their true selves. Social networks have become so virtual that people easily get lost and don't know where to put their trust.

There is a girl shared "I remember the day the ‘beauty’ filter came out on Snapchat – the one that ever-so-slightly retouches skin, narrows noses, and gives doe eyes. The filter just barely changed my appearance, but changed it enough for me to notice that I looked ‘better’." She used the program differently after, like others, growing acclimated to the filtered snapshot of herself: "Gone were the days of using Snapchat to send ugly selfies." (Peres Martins 2017: 20). Therefore, it can be seen that next to the "beautiful side" that AR filter brings to users is still an "ugly side". Users' self-perception and, consequently, mental health can be affected by virtually altering their look (Javornik et al., 2021; Lee & Lee, 2021). "Selfie Hypomania" is a similar disorder where people feel physically disfigured when they take selfies that enhance their appearance and struggle with low self-esteem. (Maymone, Vashi, & Rajanala, 2018). AR filters may make this worse because they alter virtual objects in real time and with more realism. It is known to drive some individuals into cosmetic surgery in extreme circumstances (Hunt, 2019). However, social media may also have a good impact on mental health when used to express personal traits that are concealed or to help people figure out who they are (Choi & Sung, 2018; Yau, Marder, & O'Donohoe, 2020). As a result, there are several ways in which AR face filters may impact mental health.

References

Javornick, A., Marder, B., & Brahorst, J,B. (2022, March). Computers in Human Behavior. “What Lies behind the Filter?” Uncovering the Motivations for Using Augmented Reality (AR) Face Filters on Social Media and Their Effect on Well-Being. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0747563221004490#preview-section-references

Javornik, A. (2021, November). Journal of Business Research. ScienceDirect. https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S0148296321005312?via%3Dihub. Volume 136, page 284 - 292.

S. Bhatt. (2020). The big picture in the entire AR-filter craze

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waywardxrhea · 3 months

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Lying to the Devil - Introductory

What happens when you lie to the Devil? How long can one woman keep a lifetime of secrets from the Devil of Hell's Kitchen? The answer may surprise you...

pairing: Matt Murdock x fem!OC

content: coffee shop au, fluff, humor, friends to lovers, pining, language, canon typical violence, angst, medical emergencies, mental health disorders (PTSD, panic disorder).

installment list

After witnessing the murder of her mother, Julianne Porter finds herself running from her past and ends up in Hell's Kitchen, New York under the alias Crystal Shaw. She uses the powers she was born with in order to stop petty crime on the streets and eventually ends up working with Daredevil. During all of this, while working at her day job at Stardust Brewing Company, she ends up falling for a regular customer, the ever-handsome lawyer Matt Murdock. Join Julianne as she navigates hiding her past from her new friends and lover, her detrimental heart condition, and a life as a crime-fighting vigilante.

Preview from Chapter 2 - Vigilante Shit

It didn’t take too long to find some teenage thug sprinting away from a bodega with an armful of presumably stolen goods. The owner wasn’t too far behind, but seemed to be running out of steam as he ran after the young man. Crystal gently stomped her foot on the ground and gestured up with her palm, causing a portion of the sidewalk to shift upward, tripping the young man. As he fell to the ground, the bodega owner caught up to him and took back his goods, shouting at him to get lost, citing that this time he’s letting him off easy.

That warm feeling filled Crystal’s chest once more as she went deeper into the alleyway to hide from the bodega owner. Once he was gone, before she could head back out into the open, she was suddenly pinned to the brick wall from behind. Acting on instinct alone, she warped the wall, causing her attacker to lose their grip on her. She used this moment to slip out of their grasp and stomped the ground, making a punching motion and causing two large pieces of pavement to fly into the air at her attacker who dodged them gracefully, almost like an acrobat.

When she finally got a good look at the man, she saw that he wore all black and had a black piece of fabric covering the upper half of his face. She didn’t get much time to take in anymore details before he was attacking again, throwing quick punches that took her off her feet. “Who are you and what are you doing in my city?” the man’s deep voice asked as he stood above her.

Gesturing upward once more from her place on the ground, the two pieces of stone from before were hovering on either side of the man’s head again. Crystal quickly drummed up a generic American accent and said to the man, “Give me one good reason I shouldn’t smash your head in right now for attacking me.”

“I’m not the one on the ground here. Answer the question,” he demanded. “Who are you and what are you doing in my city?”

Crystal scoffed. “Your city?”

“You’re not from around here are you?” the man asked.

“And what makes you think that?” Crystal returned.

“Because everyone from around here knows who the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen is.”

“Oh, so you’re not just some acrobat running around cosplaying as Westley from The Princess Bride?” Crystal smarted off.

The man opened and closed his mouth before sighing and shaking his head. “Look, clearly you don’t know how things work around here, but I can also tell by the fact that you haven’t smashed my head in that you aren’t one of the bad guys. The police have come to trust me to bring in criminals around here, but if they see someone tearing up their roads and assaulting people with rocks, they’re going to take you in and this whole vigilante thing will be over before you even get started. Stay out of things you have no business sticking your nose in.”

Crystal slowly stood up and lowered the stones to the ground, telling him, “All I did was make sure a woman didn’t get assaulted and that a man didn’t get robbed.”

“And I’m sure they appreciate that, but just trust me when I say to stay out of it before you’re way in over your head. If I could take you down that easily you don’t stand a chance against the real criminals around here,” he said before jumping up onto a fire escape above him.

“You’re wrong,” Crystal called back to him as he jumped onto the roof of the building. When he turned back toward her, she elaborated, “All I want is to help people and to do good with the gift I’ve been given. I’ve taken down dozens of men bigger and stronger than you, believe me. You’re just going to have to deal with the fact that I’m here to stay, Mr. Devil.”

Without saying anything in response, the man turned away and sprinted off along the rooftops. Crystal shook her head as she placed her hand on the ground and returned the wall and pavement to their original state. With this newfound desire to help people, no one was going to stop Crystal, not even the Devil of Hell’s Kitchen.

Hello! This is my introductory post for a short fic I am calling Lying to the Devil which follows an OC of mine and her journey towing the line of how much of her past life she can hide from the man she didn't mean to fall for who happens to be a human lie detector - Matthew Murdock.

This story was born of my recently gained (unhealthy) obsession with Matt Murdock combined with wanting to use a powerset I came up with a few years ago. I also wanted to write a story about a character with the same heart problem I struggled with when I was younger because I've never seen it portrayed in media. Conveniently, this sort of condition would be the perfect way for someone to be able to lie to Matt, so I took the idea and ran with it.

For transparency's sake I am going to tell a little story about when I created the character's powerset. Originally I wanted to have this character (I use that term loosely, it was just her powerset and heart condition) in a Spider-Man fic I was planning. I was trying to come up with an original idea for her powers because I knew I wanted her to be superpowered, and so when I was listening to King for a Day by Pierce the Veil, the line of "and when the bass shakes the earth underground, we'll start a new revolution now," stuck out to me and I was like 'hmm what if I made this character have the ability to move stone with her powers?' So I ran the idea by the guy I was dating at the time because he also loved to write, and he shot down the idea saying it didn't make sense because of X, Y, and Z reasons, so I just kinda gave up on the idea. Fast forward a few years (it's now like 2020), I was watching Avatar: The Last Airbender for the first time with my current boyfriend and the first time I saw them use Earth Bending I was like wait holy shit I accidentally completely ripped off this show when I had never even seen it before (I know, I was behind on the times). So you will see that at some point in the story I poke fun at that fact by having another character reference the show and compare her powers to Toph.

Anyways! I hope y'all enjoy this little story! I will start posting soon!

ha, by my using of “y’all” you can tell that I am not from the UK, so if I get any mannerisms, traditions, word use, etc wrong know I tried my best lol!

since fanfic is a legally grey zone here is my obligatory statement saying that i in fact do not own the rights to the characters of Matt Murdock, Foggy Nelson, Karen Page, Marci Stahl, Josie, Claire Temple, Jeri Hogarth, Stick, Elektra Natchios, Frank Castle, Wilson Fisk, or Benjamin Poindexter (i think those are the only canon characters i even MENTION throughout this story). i do not own the rights to any canon events mentioned. i do however claim creative ownership over all of my original writing and characters.

#matt murdock #daredevil #matt murdock x oc #fanfic #romance #friends to lovers #short fanfic #coffee shop au

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