#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!
Text
.
#mom says that the reason she didnt comfort me while i was having one of the biggest meltdowns of my life was cus i wouldnt tell her what was#wrong and i clearly was capable#like i hate to tell you but just because im technically capable doesnt mean i can communicate easily#im too upset to be able to communicate my thoughts to you about why im upset#she literally told me that its annoying when i cry and scream without telling her whats wrong#she said and i quote I could ask anyone in the world and all of them would be annoyed by this#she said if i just said Sorry i cant calm down i cant talk right now that would be fine like hello? is that not fucking obvious?#i said wouldnt this (being a more concerning thing) make you more sympathetic and she said no it just makes me more annoyed and this is the#normal response#she said even when normal people are throwing up and retching they can communicate whats wrong#that im just pretending to not be able to talk to her to manipulate her and that im being disrespectful by intentionally getting louder and#more disruptive#my parents are convinced i do things on purpose to guilt trip them all the time and i dont understand it because theyve known me for#my whole life and thats the most out of character thing i could ever possibly do but they wont even consider that im not doing that#i asked her why she didnt believe me when i said i wasnt manipulating her and she said I do believe you! when did i ever say i didnt#i dont understand. shes convinced that every normal person behaves like her#and the worst of it is i know shes trying her best and yet still refuses to acknowledge the fact that#I DONT FUCKING MAKE MYSELF MORE MISERABLE ON PURPOSE!#she doesnt seem to understand that overreaction can be conscious and still unavoidable#like yes its not like if i tried i absolutely couldnt calm down and talk to you#but thats not helpful! i dont WANT to try because i am screaming so hard that mythroat will be sore for an entire day!#because i am upset!#i am too upset to care that i can tecxhnically stop#i just dont understand why its so hard to believe im not manipulating her when im genuinely upset#i dont understand why she looks at me like a loose screw. something annoying but not something worth fixing#its always bad enough to warrant anger and never bad enough to warrant a solution#because im crazy but im fine and im not disabled at all
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
#went 2 a party + i feel like dirt like idk i feel so ugly + gross + at the same time i feel like ive gotten less ugly since i came out +#i look better as a guy but i still feel. not good + also party was at my family friends house + we were lookin @ pictures from when we#were kids like 8-14 ish and ughhhhh im so weird looking + also i was so skinnnyyy then i wanna die........................................#like theres a photo of me + two friends + ummmmmmmm i just want to die im sorry this is majorly stupid idk what im talking about#+ i just feel like me + my best friend have nothing to talk about + i have no friends + it has 2 be my fault because im like. the only#common factor in nobody liking me + i just feel like shit!! and i dont want to be like whiny and annoying and ugly and unfunny but im#not doing it on purpose............ ughhhh like ive changed so much in 2 yrs bc i was like whatever im doing is making people not like me +#i felt weird so i was like im just gonna change rlly hard + like i dont think its that easy but i am different bc i keep my mouth shut more#+ now i feel like i was more likeable before i hated myself + tried to be someone else but its like an endless cycleeeeee#whatever im just so miserable + at least when i was like more suicidal + fucked up i felt smart + less ugly#and also i hate my family + i dont want to live here + i hate my town but i dont want people to not like me but i do + i just feel like i#ruined my life............#ANYWAY IM FINE THOUGH. im goin to bed + everythings gonna be ok in the morning 🕊️#✉️
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
Queer Robot Intimacy - 200 Follower "Reward"?
I cannot believe that we've gotten to this point. It is absolutely baffling to me. First I'd like to thank everyone who have made themselves comfortable in my virtual home - I had no idea my couch could fit so many people.
Are we good? Do we need more snacks? I just got a bag of these spicy seaweed rolls from the H-Mart, I can air fry a bunch of them in maybe fifteen minutes.
Uh people said they wanted this, so here's an excerpt from an old, unfinished novel. That was later turned into a really good play that I've now lost because fuck me I guess. It centers around the main romantic pairing, which is a human woman and her android lover, and they're having some form of physical intimacy.
If you're a robot it's definitely the spiciest thing you'll read from my hand. Otherwise it's...you know, I don't know the impression it gives otherwise. Feel free to tell me.
Edna spoke in mostly static. She crackled and murmured, her hands gently running up and down my arms. I leaned down over her and lowered my voice to my own attempt at something sultry.
“Where’s your multi-tool?” I murmured.
I undid the tool to its smallest piece, slowly pulling the metal rod from its slot to both look sexy and buy myself some time. See, Edna’s made love to me plenty of times before. And, while she insists I’ve done things for her that she’s found pleasurable, I’ve never had the knowledge or resource to really - as Blanca might say - “get up all in it”.
With my tool in hand I grazed it up and down Edna’s chest. She responded, twitching her hands arching of her back. Then I stopped.
“What do you want me to do?” I said.
Edna muttered something indistinct. I grinned and tapped the tool against her skin.
“What was that, Missus Millay?”
“…Open me,” she said, her voice slightly warped.
That was a start. And it was actually something I was sure I knew how to do. But having Edna writhing underneath me like this was a bit of a power trip, so I decided to see how much further I could push things.
“I don’t know how,” I said innocently.
“What.”
“You heard me. I don’t know how,” I leaned over her receiver and whispered coyly. “You’ll have to guide me.”
Edna made a noise that wasn’t quite human or machine. Then her eyes went dark for a second. When they came back, something in her was much calmer. I was briefly worried she was already ready to sleep, but then she spoke.
“There is a slot above my chest cabinet,” she said. “You…you have to stick the L-wrench in - ah!”
I did as she said, as gently as I knew how, and as soon as I did she gasped in a perfect C sharp. It was shocking, and then weirdly sexy.
“What now?” I said.
“You know what to do next.”
“I know,” I almost laughed. “I just want to hear you say it.”
Her voice had turned into the grey area between two radio stations. I couldn’t make out what she was trying to tell me, and I was ready to cut this seduction attempt short to make sure she was okay when she reached to hold my hand in place.
dOnt StoP, she implored, her voice echoing on top of itself.
With her hand guiding mine, we slid the wrench through the slot until we heard a definite popping sound and Edna’s whole body spasmed.
I opened her chest cabinet, slowly, unsure as to what she could and couldn’t feel. Edna, meanwhile, was singing under her breath, a haphazard song strung together from a dozen different languages.
At this point I wasn’t sure what to do. Her syringes were still intact, with three filled with air and three more filled with her tranquilizers, so whatever erotic thing I’d figure out had to also keep into consideration the amount of medical waste we’ve brought with us into the bedroom.
Do i LOok pRetty? Edna echoed.
This was the part of Edna I fell in love with, the pure artistry of her existence. Everything had a purpose and an intrinsic beauty. If her skeletal system was displayed in a museum I’d visit it every day - but I’d live a miserable life knowing I’d never be able to touch it.
I could touch her, though.
“You’re beautiful,” I told her, lightly running my hands across the glass of her syringes.
She moaned in notes and chords under my touch. It wasn’t the prettiest melody, but god did I want to hear more.
I slid my hands deeper in her chest, around the casing that protected the vials from spilling and to the structure that made up her spine. I traced the ribbons of her wires that hung like ivy, tangling my fingers in them like I’d done so through her hair years and years ago.
And she sang - my Edna, my darling wife - she sang every song that ever was and ever will be. The ones I knew I sang along with, and the rest I listened gratefully, happy to hold her voice in the palm of my hands.
-
hey look surprise author commentary! i just finished reading this again one more time before posting and i just want to say that it's hilarious that the only way i can write smut that works in my eyes is when i make it completely non-human and non-sexual. i was maybe eighteen or nineteen when i wrote this and i definitely didn't think i was ace. which is hilarious.
i'm hilarious.
#writeblr#writing community#writers on tumblr#on writing#writing#authors of tumblr#queer writers#actually writing#sapphic writing#robot fucker#asexual#asexual smut
15 notes
·
View notes
Text
this is long asf and i know it STARTS w me being like 'i should kms' but im gna spoil it for u all and say that's NOT where it goes lmfao im just dumping out all my thoughts
!! very very rambly, not proofread even once, probably makes no sense and is very cheesy
i wrote a fucking novel holy shit LMFAO no hard feelings if u skip
if i can be kinda depressing for a second i think ab killing myself too much for someone who is basically fine (that might be a lie idk i don't feel like thinking ab it more rn) 😭 like the world just has so many issues i dont wna deal with,,, yk? and it would be so much easier to just move on to whatever's next, bc i KNOW ill have a fuckton of debt in college and have to live through miserable relationships and watch the earth fall apart bc our leaders r so incompetent. even now im living through like 5 genocides, insane global warming, a poverty crisis, inflation, and all of this can be boiled down to greed and hatred
also a lot of kids my age are so horrible for no reason and it's sad to think how many people just absolutely suck ass
but at the same time i won't kill myself bc there are people who i wna make sure get through everything alright, and ik i have good things to live through too
so ive compromised and decided i get to shoot myself in the head when im like 60 if i don't have a wife and the world is still a mess 💀 like i don't wna live longer than i'll enjoy it (lets be reallll global warming will kill us all before i have to do anything anyway)
surprisingly, i got a lot better after reading philosophy books? making sense of the world and appreciating the genius of the philosophers, who were ppl just like me, helps
i feel like ive found so many new ways to think ab and experience the world through philosophy. it's a beautiful part of humanity, trying to understand and having genuine fascination about the way things are and what everything means
good music helps too. yerin baek to fall in love with everything and cry over every single feeling you've ever had ever, universe mongae when that's too much and i have to detach
i listen to universe mongae a lot in class bc my classmates fuckingh SUCKK and she sets me apart from my emotions or feeling lonely when im leaving myself out on purpose bc they're not good people
a few days ago, i was listening to yerin baek as i walked back to school from lunch and the world was suddenly so beautiful and i realised how everyone else has a consciousness and worlds just as real as mine and i fell in love with everyone (by everyone i mean like 30 people)
suddenly i couldn't even care how much i missed out on or the people who i wish loved me more because in the grand scheme of things, im allowed to be careless and love without reciprocation and it won't matter because i hold no more worth than a dragonfly... to have zero expectations for what you could and should feel or be and just enjoy yerin's voice in the moment might be one of the happiest moments i've ever had, honestly
yk whats ironic? it was a love song directed as another person that made me realise i could feel love and not care if i was still no one's favorite. life is beautiful anyway because i can love and make it beautiful on my own
not that my state of 'im fine with loving everyone alone' will last very long. i mean,, im just a mammal LMAO i can't deny my own brain chemistry
even just earlier today i finished the math test earlier and accidentally started thinking ab my childhood. idk why it happened but i did
and i remembered how i was so selfish and couldn't let anyone see i was anything less than perfect
there's one memory where i mispronounced a word and a girl corrected me. and i immediately tried to say, "no i know, but my brother says it that way and i do it too on accident". she called me out, obviously, and i rolled my eyes before whispering "it's true though" in the hope that someone would hear and think "oh she actually knew that"
it's sad to think how i used to be. that's from around 7th grade, i think, so i would've been 11 maybe?
up to a few months ago i would randomly remember that and feel insane anger and hatred for my younger self
it seems so foreign to me now and weird that i could hate a child for being brought up with horrible conditions and lacking emotional maturity. i thought that if i could go back in time i would just look at her and feel bad bc i got so much better since then
maybe even love her idk she's not having fun either 💀 do u think she enjoys holding herself to absolute perfection and looking like a dumbass in front of everyone when that's inevitably impossible??
there was another time that made me so sad to think ab
i got dragged along to my brother's friend's birthday party and some kid did smth rude
and i watched as the kid got chewed out by his mom and then went to apologise to the birthday kid
and the birthday kid just said, so seriously, "I accept your apology"
and i remember thinking smth like 'whoa that's cool id be so embarrassed talking like that'
thinking ab that time (i think i was 12ish maybe) is so crazy. like my parents did such a shit job that i thought i had to be SO ALOOF and above it all that accepting an apology was weak and embarrassing?? jesus i cannot wait to move out 💀 ill send them an email when im gone telling them everything they'd send me back to therapy for
ive been reading too much philosophy, and a lot of that revolves around the meaning of life and how to achieve happiness/catharsis. but i think i have my own conclusion of what it means to be happy even without plato haha
ive never been happier than when i began to forgive and understand myself
it feels like i can live as i want and it's not important. one of my favorite quotes is "i could die tonight and hold no more significance than a dragonfly's death". i wouldn't say im a nihilist but i do like the idea that nothing means anything other than the worlds we have in our minds
it's my mission to make those i care about happy and carve out a good future for myself
ive tried to follow a lifestyle of "i work for my future without ruining my present" but ngl i just ended up anorexic literally three times in the past 5 years 💀 idek what i did wrong like DAMN?? chill tf out hggsdhgfsgd i had a panic attack over eating an extra bit of cheese one time
also fuck my parents for giving me no life skills. raising urself is really hard and you end up with so much internalised bullshit
im honestly so proud of myself for turning everything around after 8th grade
i guess i owe a lot to my classmates for not letting me get away w bullshit and caring ab political issues
it's pretty wild that i cry at movies now when last year i was apathetic all the time
i think i like having feelings? pretty undecided still ngl
i think it's a step up
but i can't even talk to my parents ab how they fucked everything up for me and i had to pull myself out pf the absolute trenchessssss or theyll make me do family therapy and ill end up forgiving them which id rather explode than do
anyway ig my point is if you're having trouble with existence or mental health, pls don't give up on yourself. i promise there's people out there who either love you or will in the future and you just need a few quality coping mechanisms to make it through the day
whether that's antidepressants, the powerpuff girls, philosophy (:33 which it should be), yerin baek (which it also should be), or vent art, find ways to make life liveable until you're ok again. bc you always will be in the end
i probably don't know you but i love you because you have a life and a consciousness
please recognise that about everyone
i read somewhere that everything will always be alright in the end and if it's not okay yet, it's not the end either. it sounds dumb and doesn't really make sense (where's the logic lmao site ur sources at least) but it's such a nice sentiment
i think ummm i will go to school and give all my friends a big hug tmrw so pls don't be sad in the meantime
anyway loossemble's new album is good im so happy for them
this is the happiest and healthiest hyeju's ever looked i lowkey wna cry over how well theyre doing ;v;
also highkey want her to put me in a chokehold like GHSFDFJFSDHGJK those ARMSSSSSS MOTHER??
fuck modhaus tho i hope artms r doing well... fucking jaden jeong ugh
#tw suicide#motivational kind of maybe i think??#i won't kill myself gdfhgggdsad dw i just think ab not having to deal w everything and it seems like such an easy way out#but i got more shit to do!!#ur not getting rid of me for 40 more years at the latest#vent#(??)#not rly#more like#a thought dump#tw anorexia#tw ed#tw eating disorder#just mentioned but still there#personal#thats not even a tag i use im just putting whatever#bye bye#there's a giant ass bug in my shower so i washed my hair in the sink
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i’ve been hitting my cart to fall asleep so i can get through these days as fast as possible. getting high is the only thing i can cling onto anymore, it gives my life the interest and color i’ve been needing currently. i was on the right track to quitting but i guess ive crashed back into it.
i wonder. if we were still friends would i be over at your house right now? would you be at mine? would i be miserable? or would we be cuddling? i’m not the type of person to confront my thoughts. i let them decide for me, i let them take over because i tend to believe they’re in my best interest. if you ask me for the reason i dropped you, id tell you it’s because i didn’t want you to leave me, but honestly i did it out of instinct. it was one day in february, a switch flipped in my mind and i put no effort into turning it back on.
i guess i realized it wasn’t just the two of us anymore, everytime id come over there’d be 5 extra people invading our space. i only loved you when i was alone with you so i always wanted you to myself. i have no idea why that is. it’s not like i was in love with you or something. :/ but all these people i’ve done wrong, i never did it out of spite or hate. i did it because i don’t know how to fully let someone in.
dont be mistaken, i’m still very evil. ;3
an example of my evilness: one day i’ll confess my undying love for you, and the next i’ll completely forget about it. interest can spark inside of me which will usually burn out fast. the only rare exception is when it doesn’t. my fps. the ones i’ve loved so heavily i could easily set the world on fire for them. obsession taken way too far. but i’ll always have a soft spot for my favorite people. they know my chaos.
in the paragraph you sent me before you blocked me, you told me my only motivation is male validation. honestly, yeah. i agree. i wouldn’t call it validation, but something similar. anyway it’s not like it’s something i can control.
when i was younger i had devoted my soul to my dad out of fear and possibly a little trust. every time i did something wrong in his eyes, my body would shut down and i was unable to feel or think anything. soulless. a certain type of numbness where i could practically feel a reaper touching me. one upsetting response from him and my purpose was ripped out of my chest. even if his demeanor was off, if he was driving a little faster and a little more aggressive, i could immediately feel his mood switch—which would end up causing mine. i felt this feeling again yesterday, over something so small. i was telling my aunt how i applied for a job and he immediately said no in a stern ass voice and shook his head. that shut me the fuck up because i could already feel it flushing into me. a weird feeling of confusion has always come along with this numbness, because i can never truly understand what makes him so upset. he was asking me if i wanted to apply at starbucks the night before? maybe it’s because i applied for the job my mom wanted me to do. actually yeah that’s probably it. my dad’s always been so jealous of her because ‘i treat her better than him.’ it’s totally true, i do, but that’s because she was always there to hold me when i cried and she took the time to understand my soft spots. she tells me she loves me everyday, while i don’t have a memory of my dad saying i love you.
so that’s it. that’s all i want from men. i know now, i don’t crave their validation, i crave their care. their sincerest love. i really yearn for someone to put their hand on my head and pull me into a hug every time they noticed i looked a little empty. someone who doesn’t become demented or begin ignoring me when i mess up. someone who will stay by my side even if i reject them just because they know me better than anyone, someone who doesn’t let me push them away. someone who’d never get tired of dealing with my guilty tears. someone who would rather hold my hand than stick it in. ugh. unconditional love.
and basically, i guess id do anything for this kind of care. i’ve fucked plenty of people over just to experience it, even if all of it was bound to end up temporary. but, of course, all that it did was remove more people from my life. make me more lonely. i’m begging please don’t blame me forever. i hope you understand this uncontrollable urge is not something im close to mastering. when im attached, i would rather rip all of my hair out before i allow you to slip through my fingertips, even if i just met you a day ago. when i start seriously thinking about someone, there’s absolutely no going back. until i break and my brain becomes weak from allowing the thoughts to consume it. just thinking about a guy’s potential in caring for me so gently gets me messed tf up. that’s why i try to see guys as weird creatures so i don’t get attached to any. my lips feel like poison, causing damage is all i’ve ever known.
but, i know im young. the so called “men” im talking about are actually boys. when i grow wiser and develop into somebody i can actually be proud of, i can only pray that god will bless me with this type of undying love.
god please please please give me your strength
3 notes
·
View notes
Text
i feel like this is something i can’t post in my channel with friends, but i need to vent
well, if i had made this post two or even one month ago i would have written ‘i fucked up’ as i said i hoped i wouldn’t in my “goodbye post”
but times go by and you start realizing that you were fucking abused and i’m not talking about physical/sexual harm and i havent been degraded (i mean only when i wanted to if you remember thematics of my blog). STRAIGHTLY. now i know what gaslight is first-hand.
i dont want to tell the full story here, just imagine situation when you have to overthink and rethink your every phrase several times before saying it with your partner. or feeling such a miserable person you have to visit therapists and stopping yourself from jumping under the train from thinking that you are a burden. i mean, yes, many people (sadly) experience this, BUT IMAGINE it all disappears right after you break up.
you feel like absolute shit and cry all the time, but when ‘should i kill myself?’-thought crosses your mind it doesnt stay even for a second. like, nah, i dont want to. i dont need to work on this, i just dont think that way
we broke up two months ago and i still feel broken. i tried to meet new people and they do like me and in two days they may treat me better than my ex in 5 months… but i just cant feel anything. they can be hell of a gentleman, get me flowers and coffee, shower me with kind words and we can have a great funny convo about lots of our common interests. but i come home and remember our first ‘date’ and cry. and i dont even cry like CRY, i just try to fall asleep while tears are going down my face. and we talk, meet again. but i feel nothing like i used to.
and i just saw a reels (99% of my feed actually) with a biker, but it was a special one for an unknown reason. i felt summer air. and felt how i want short nights, ‘white’ nights of petersburg, green, motorcycles on streets. and i miss..maybe what pops up in my mind a lot.. when it was “well i wanted to meet with you and i still do, so if you want it too…” “i do” “then what?” “finish your uni task, i’m ordering you a taxi” after he fell asleep when we were supposed to meet and not “what time should i come over?” *no respond* “i wont” “okay” and then blaming me in making scenes and saying “instead of this we could have a talk in discord, or you could be here and play with my dog or we could watch something, but no, you preferred making drama” when i did not make any. well, instead of acting like a jerk for whom i dont exist as well as my feelings, YOU could invite me for real, show me that you wanted me there or offer talking in disco.
no, i was guilty for everything. when this person was guilty - it was my fault. every single time
its just such a person. i dont know if all he has done was on purpose or not. i am not sure if i want to know. but he is probably too smart not to know what exactly he was doing
there is no single day i dont think about him and in my mind i just cant let him go. all that feeling like he is one of a kind. and connection. unhealthy, but connection
there is no abuse without good moments. and such moments make you think maybe if you did something slightly different… if you swallowed such treatment that time… understood him better this time…. but then you open your chat and read how he treats you like literal SHIT and it just hits you hard like a truck
i am deeply hurt. i am a person you should not meet and fall in love with right now. right now i can cause only pain, but im not a sick sadist, i dont enjoy it. but i understood i need to give myself time to heal. not to try meeting new people that would replace him. and for sure not to try to get him back. however, i dont know jf i will follow these words. hopefully.
and when i get free from this, i will meet my dream motorcyclist husband-material. maybe gym rat. maybe scott pilgrim type of nerd. hopefully somebody… kinder. more empathetic. and mature for relationship.
peace
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
Incredible how being under intense stress that you dont even know is there is enough to turn you into the world's most emotionally delicate man. i didn't actually think there was anything wrong with the relationship until after it ended- i didn't realize just why for the past few years i had become so sensitive, reactive, so eager (desperate) to find something, someone, some argument, anything at all to definitively prove that I was in the right about.
The thing is, though, is that 1) none of it was intentional (i mean, to my knowledge), and 2) none of it was overt. It's why i felt like i was going fucking insane and would have a Really Bad Time anytime we had to have a talk about something- because for all intents and purposes, the problem was resolved, or at the very least feelings were communicated and promises to be better were made, assurances that it wasn't intentional and explanations as to why.
and yet i never actually felt a sense of resolution or satisfaction afterwards. the relationship was surviving entirely on the (increasingly desperate) trust i had in my partner, taking him at his word and reminding myself every time the hurt welled back up that he was trying, we were fixing it, we were being a good couple and communicating and things would get better, that I was just host to a vindictive little toddler throwing a tantrum every time my feelings were a little hurt.
and then.... I realized that despite all the promises, the resolutions, the "healthy negotiations and talks", nothing ever actually changed unless I was the one that had to change. I can remember one specific instance (maybe there were more, it was 5 years- i still want to give it the benefit of the doubt) where I brought up a problem and the behavior actually changed. And after i realized that, it all kind of started to make sense, why i had become so miserable in the past years. It was like the relationship equivalent of a fucking gas leak.
2 notes
·
View notes
Note
Wishing you the best. You’re one of my favorite blogs and I think you’re amazingly talented and creative and your writing, the way you bring characters to life is always a delight to read.
I hope you hang in there, even when times are hard (and I’m sorry they are), cause it’s gonna get better. And yeah, it’s cliché, but I wish you all the love and happiness and that you’ll find IRL people who will cherish you like you deserve. I hope you have lovely dreams.
I'm starting to wonder if the answer to the problem that I've been looking for all this time is maybe trying to move in somewhere with my sister. But I don't know if that would help either because my sister also has some troubles and we haven't always gotten along but, if im miserable living with my mom, and my sister is far away and misses us and she's been through domestic violence and assaults and she doesn't always have a stable environment, im wondering if we should try and find something for us both to move into. Idk.
Im just very lost on how I could move further or fix things. I feel very powerless and small. I think im actually making a really good wage right now though so, maybe I should just, start putting most of my money into savings or something, in case of an emergency or something. I guess something i try to always remind myself is sometimes fixing a problem is a process, not an event, which is just CBT speak for "dont beat yourself up for not seeing immediate results"
But on the writing stuff, thank you 🥺❤ I've been feeling hella talentless and I guess I've kind of noticed a shift in the things I want to write. Like don't get me wrong I still have smut ideas but I also have been getting lots of ideas about, idk. fics meant to fulfill you more emotionally rather than like encouraging you to rub one out? Sometimes writing smut feels like... potato chips. It can be so easy and generic you know? Id much rather write stories where you and whomever build some sort of rapport or there's reasons and feelings established rather than "you bumped into this random stranger and he wants to fuck"
Like I was actually just thinking of a jujutsu kaisen idea I had posted in the past where Reader is a young adult sorcerer and Nanami, as someone else with the same sort of "risking death fighting demons is better than working in an office" mentality, recognizes that you're kind of actively suicidal and even though harnessing your anger and will to die into a Black Flash or two is certainly useful on the battlefield, he's concerned about your mental health. But then he gets you kicked out of the idk sorcerer guild or whatever and that makes it EVEN WORSE because now you "don't have a purpose" and "youre living for nothing" and he basically has to kidnap/save you from totally offing yourself and there's this overarching theme in finding kinship through hopelessness or something idk
And then on the other hand I had an idea for what would essentially be plug n play smut with Adam Smasher where he basically forces you into a braindance where he really smashes your shit if you know what I mean 😳 so the pendulum swings lmao! But I still find writing really fun and enjoyable even if im. Having motivation issues actually getting stuff down 👉👈 so thanks for the support and it means a lot to hear im one of your favorites when there are so many blogs out there 🥰
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
#19
I think I'm just miserable at this point. Today sucked and all I want to do is change myself again or roll into the fucking grave. Wait, that's pathetic, very pathetic.
This a diary basically, I could give a fuck if it is pathetic, not like I plan on sharing this shit with anyone anyways. And besides, who wants to hear someone ramble about their woes all fucking day? Exactly.
I went to see Ghostbusters with my family today and all it was today was jokes and jokes galore on how I resemble and look like Pheobe so much. Comments, jokes, remarks, all of it was fucking irritating. I haven't looked like her in over a YEAR and have stopped trying to act like the nerdy curly haired girl that always has something to say. Because god forbid I get sick and tired of hearing the same things OVER and OVER again. All for what? Because it's a compliment? Because I should be grateful I get compared to a fucking Mary Sue? Is that how people see me? That part of me died, a long time ago. I changed for a reason, a purpose. Because that side of me got me ridiculed and ostracized by my peers for YEARS. All because I acted different, because I lacked social cues no one guided me or helped me to learn. Because I was non conforming at the bright age of fucking FIVE. You think I WANT to be compared to something that just gives me a slap to my fucking face and reminds me I can't change? That I'll forever be the little kid that WANTED friends because no one else batted an eye after a while? That the only friends I had pitied me and made me feel unimportant?
That part of me wanted to kill themselves, wanted nothing but the absolute worst to happen to themselves because they felt so shitty that the only thing they thought they deserved was death. That part of me lived thinking no one cared about them because their mom was always busy working and their dad could give less of a shit because he was working and absent. They lived thinking everyone would eventually hate them for the smallest thing, they let those eggshells sink deeper and deeper into their fucking feet until it replaced the flesh and embedded into their agonized body. Until they sat years later trying to pluck out each shard and letting their feet heal.
So God forbid. God fucking forbid I hate being compared to something that brings me back to feeling like a pathetic piece of shit. God forbid I start hiding my tears because I haven't healed and can't cope with those memories. God forbid I hate compliments because they remind me of the lies kids told me when I was younger to get a rise out of me and crush me. God forbid I hate feeling vulnerable because of how much it feels like a leech.
All for me to feel bad? Feel bad because I'm afraid of making my mom so upset that she tries to end her life again. One wrong move, one wrong thing said on a bad day, it could all go to shit and then who would be to blame? Me, because I don't know when to keep my fucking mouth shut, but then regret it because it makes my mom feel shitty. But why would I feel bad? Why would I ever open up to her knowing that all that will be thrown at me is a half assed dismissal to invalidate how I feel. I dont know, I just distract myself until it hits me. I'll be having the time of life before my brain goes "your mom tried killing herself on her birthday, keep your tongue bitten and make sure you do what is said or she might try again because you didnt listen." Because at the end of the day, her and my step dads feelings matter more, not us. At the end of the day, what I say doesn't matter. At the end of the day, I'm just a puppet on a string the second I get home. I'm just a pawn, a doll, a goddamn blinded dog being led to my death. That's all I'll be, a slave and a floor mat. IT affects just me feeling in control of myself. It feels like a temporary mutism. I'm so afraid of the thought of getting that call saying that shes gone, that she didn't keep their promise. Death is unexpected, and depression is a damn monster.
I should've been ran over by both of those cars, I should've successfully hung myself in that garage, I should've been able to swallow down those pills, I should've been aborted like the unwanted child my biological dad saw in the first place. I. Shouldn't. Be. Here.
Before I laid down, my mom tried getting me to talk to her about how I felt. Wow, after every time I've heard her and my step dad say their feelings are to be prioritized more, I should open up? I couldn't even get through that minute without tearing up and turning my body to the side so that my mom couldn't see the pathetic child she raised.
"No.." I walked back to my room and then stopped "..er, no ma'am." And then went back to my room because all my mom wants to hear is that she implemented manners and raised "Good kids". Now I sit here wanting to sob my eyes out.
Because I feel guilty for not feeling guilty for shutting my mom out after years of being invalidated and talked down because I'm "just a kid." Because at the end of the day, that's all I'll ever be to her. But she's had it worse. Do you really think she needs her kid telling her that they're stressed because of something that seems so miniscule compared to her ever growing problems? She needs something else to worry about as if she doesn't have enough to worry about enough? I can't do that to her.
I feel....like a monster. My mom and her boyfriend had just given me this lecture, and I just feel horrible about the whole thing. Lets start off with the fact this all originated from my birthday dinner, my sister told me that her mom and her siblings were leaving my father figure at the end of the month and that it would the last times we'd see each other and she said I cant tell anyone. I feel like the biggest hypocrite as to why i was so upset about this. I told my mom at least two days or so after, which led her to tell my father figure even though i feared what would happen if i told someone else. She said it was inappropriate for her to tell me on that day even though i saw no problem with it. After that, my sister stopped reaching out, and I felt like I had lost the ability to trust my mom. Things were just quiet and i blamed myself for the entire thing because I felt like it was my fault, even though everyone says it wasnt, but i still blame myself because if i didnt tell my mom, it wouldnt have happened. Then my sister reached out to me and i told my mom and she tried asking for screenshots of the conversation, but I feel so so so uncomfortable with the thought of it, so i told her no. She asked again and I said "didn't you say that the last time?" and she got upset and called me selfish. How I can trust my sister after she hurt me on multiple accounts but not her. She thinks she right and I honestly think im the wrong one in this situation, that its my fault because i cant keep my damn mouth shut. But fails to realize that it's easier to trust her because I don't see her everyday, she can forget it. I live with my mom everyday and live with each mistake and each time my step dad tells me the things I do or lack make her feel shitty about herself. She said shes not going to apologize for it, she thinks shes right. Im just a kid, and she's the parent. She wants control - no, needs it over the situation, or else she starts self-deprecating, and god knows what happens if it gets bad. Im afraid of what would happen if it did get bad.
-Dxllface
0 notes
Text
so here is my dilemma today sjdjdjs . day 2 in the field of a new job and yesterday i fucking HATED it and HATED the commute to the point where i cried the whole way home and then ALSO cried for like an hour afterward w my partner about how much i hated it and how miserable i was !! im putting it below a cut bc it'll probly get long but if anyone does read it all tell me if i should quit or try to keep going through it
okay so basically the job is charitable fundraising, face to face on the street canvassing. i dont wanna go into too much detail abt the company structure but the company that hired me is contracted by the IRC to do all their face to face fundraising. so yesterday they did some like intros and some basic dos and donts and then paired us up w someone and said "okay go!!"
here are my issues with it that are just about the job structure and not my own issues: theres no centralization at all and every day i would be going to a different spot. now this would be fine if it was based in tacoma, where i know my way around, and also dont have to ride for an hour on multiple forms of transit to get TO the city. the job is in seattle but i live in tacoma and anyone who sees this who does this commute will understand lol. they'll tell us where we're mesnt to be the next day 'by 8pm the night before' and having to scramble every single night to work out a complicated and frankly expensive commute to a brand new place makes me wanna kill myself sjzjzjzjz
minor issue but we have to use our personal phones and let them location track us for time clock purposes and i truly am not comfortable with that, and it saps my phone battery horribly which is a major source of anxiety for me
also in all their promo materials people had tables they were Sitting behind and for us, it is literally standing still in one spot for 6 fuckin hours a day which like i get it but if i can't walk around or sit i cant do it!!
last major issue is in fact the job itself. and i will admit this is my fuckin fault but i dont even rmr when i applied for this position and i have just been desperately applying for whatever i think i could get. but goddamn i am so tired of jobs where the people i interact with as a RULE treat interactinf with me like a horrible fucking chore or something else awful they have to get through like i can just FEEL the disgust radiating off them and that is so goddamn exhausting to me
now here is where we get into why u Shouldn't quit. the number one answer is that i am less than 2 weeks into quitting nicotine and in like another 2 weeks i SHOULD be a lot more normal. i say should because unfortunately nicotine is a surprisingly effective med for a lot of the mental issues i deal with and i honestly DONT know if i will get back to feeling normal within the month timeframe most people do !! and thats also assuming i dont fuckin relapse at all in that timeframe and am Able to stay off it, which if i stay at this job will probably be very impossible. but i truly just DONT have the necessary emotional regulation skills to deal with what i need to at this job! i dont have the emotional regulatory skills to deal with the constand rejection and brushing off, i just dont have the ability to not take it personally right now. and honestly given everything i dealt with at cascade and how much that affected me i dont know if i Will have those regulatory skills once im thru quitting!!
i dont know. like i want a job where i know im putting Good back into the world but i also dont want tiny fucking returns and rejection and unhappiness, and besides this would be an expensive fuckin job w the commute n the food n everything. i just dont wanna fuckin do it and i feel like with how fast paced everything is in this industry i should probably just fuckin quit now .lmao
i just dont know what to do and we're so brain foggy that we cant even make a fucking decision and im so tired and i dont wanna do it lmao . so someone tell me if i should quit or not !!
0 notes
Text
Internet is only reason why I haven't succumbed to bad thoughts in my head yet because irl people are mean and they will work tirelessly to break your spirits and make you feel worthless especially when they see you possess certain values they don't and instead of cheering you up they will purposely make habit of pointing out your flaws and disregarding your strenght in favor of things you lack making you feel guilty constantly comparing you to others who worth more to them in their head becuase they know things you dont, and honestly i am so bloody tired of this world I just want to leave for good if this shit show that is making me hide all the best parts of myself in order to keep peace or otherwise i am shouted at for not staying in box of limitations that I was broight up to believe it should never limit me yet today when I apply that mindset to things i do and say I am painted biggest villian who needs to be put down and what the fuck has happened between then and now that we are reprimanded for still believing in better jsut because we have grown up? It's like when you get to certain age society doesn't let you have dreams anymore and I hate it here man i i hate this shit show and if its really all I get from this life for all the trouble that almost killed me, than I would rather cease to exist i dont care what you do with my body as long as my spirit is free to roam wherever without owning enyone any explanation anymore. I am so sick of tuning down my real self and being forced to give explanation for decisions I make that concern only my life no one else and I wish those mfs who get high on putting people down would all be put down already bc there is literally no purpose in their existsnce except to make others miserable and all of you woke mfs who think convo can solve anything well it can't because people dont listen we are all too stuck in our minds to give way to change gosh I am so stuck that I just want to die and give freedom to people who are drowning because of me.
#sad#depressed#angry#my feelings are never valid outside this online space#all the talk about mental health you would think it has some echo irl#mental health awareness doesn't work here where I am#Stuck#I want out#i hate this place#I just want this to stop#i just want to be held#Will anyone ever love me and understand me without trying to change me
0 notes
Text
rant incoming
ok so no news here i feel like shit and ugly. my self image already sucked so now that im bald w an ugly ass scar running down the middle of my scalp and my nail is falling off i feel even fucking worse like fucking frankenstein. and i got upset yesterday bc my gf called her coworker gorgeous and hasnt said shit to me barely even complimented the selfies i sent yesterday. and ik validation has to come from myself and i cant rely on her and all that but why is it when someone decides that ur insecure they become withholding w their affection?? as if just saying "hey u look beautiful today" would be feeding the machine. i just wanna feel like im special and beautiful to the woman i love and her purposely holding that shit back bc otherwise she thinks shes feeding into it and enabling me. it just makes me feel shittier not to mention its condescending like u know so much better so ur not gonna say smth complimentary towards me. im going thru a tough time and a nice word would go a long way. like i wanna cry again as im typing. and shes not the only person ive had do this like ive had friends in nasty tones tell me "im not gonna reassure u. im not gonna say anything." and like i dont wanna put pressure on ppl to tell me shit esp if its not genuine but being withholding doesnt help either and only makes me feel worse. like ik i should feel the beauty within myself and all that jazz but u not saying shit to me bc "i should know" doesnt feel right either. literally one nice "u look gorgeous" would make my whole day. would it really be that hard??? u could do it for ur fucking coworker. like i dont even wanna send her any selfies at all anymore even if she were to ask for them. and i keep getting told that i shouldnt be upset abt my hair being gone bc it "grows back" dont tell me how to fucking feel and yea it grows back but not fucking fast enough. i never wanted to have my head shaved its shaved bc i got my head beaten in and i almost fucjing died. and every time i see it its a reminder of that shit. that happened just a little over a month ago so its not like its been 2 years or some shit. im just so over being told how i should feel abt this shit or how i should handle it from ppl who have never been thru anything like this. i just wanna feel beautiful again i wish i appreciated what i looked like before more. i feel like an ugly sheared fucking sheep like a freak show. and the one person who if love to hear beautiful from the most is purposefully holding it back from me. idk im just fucking miserable man.
0 notes
Text
I had an okay day
The last month I've been talkative and not too down
But then like a switch
I feel like I'm being pulled under the water again
My mind is chanting stick a knife in your throat
You're disgusting
I hate looking myself in the mirror
I haven't been drinking water
So ofcourse my face looks like a monster
I haven't been moving ofcourse my body is disgusting
I don't have a personality ,I'm as bland as they come
I'm a fraud,an imposter
I'm a bad person who loses interest in people and then blame them for not caring enough
I'm pathetic because I expect people to care when I'm already pushing everyone away
Lately most shows I watch with mum there has been a suicide
And she'll comment something like Amejiua
And she has zero awareness that I am thinking and planning on how to die
There are so many people who have potential and are good people and have the will to live but they die
I wish I could give them my life
You might be wondering..ah..she was so weak and such a coward..did she expect us to read her mind...why didn't she ask for help...she knows we love her and we supported her
Maybe I'm wrong
I'm a lazy ass bitch who can't get off her ass and look for work
I've wasted everybody's time and money
Mum and dad must have spent a fortune on my education
But lil sad Gin...poor Gin...just take your meds and integrate into society and stop being so pathetic
You expect people to wake up and serve you
What a joke....can I just sleep and never wake up again
Why am I so resistant to God
People seem to have their lives together when they believe and trust in God
I don't really try to make an effort to get to know him
The being in charge of me
The being who supposedly loves me so much he brought me to existence to fulfill some type of purpose when I'm on earth....the one who will send my soul straight to an eternity of pain and misery
Gin...you think being this privileged is so miserable
Wait till you're in purgatory and burning in hell for an eternity
Why the fuck are you so resistant
I think it's because I'm exhausted
I don't want to be helped
Maybe I deserve an eternity for suffering
You're nothing but a waste of space
Taking up oxygen that someone else needs
Like I lie in bed and let mum slave herself with house chores
Like Fuck Gin....you could at least be helpful if you're going to lazy around in bed and eat free food and get free shelter and clothes and electricity and comfort
I mean why the fuck do you feel like you're suffering
What the fuck is wrong with me
JUST TAKE THE KNIFE AND PLUNGE IT IN YOUR HEART
YOU DESERVE A PAINFUL DEATH
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD DAUGHTER
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD SISTER
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD NIECE
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD GRANDCHILD
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD FRIEND
YOU ARE NOT A GOOD HUMAN
SO HURRY UP AND STOP BEING SUCH A PUSSY
THE MORE YOU PRETEND PEOPLE NEED YOU
THE MORE IM HURTING THEM, NO ONE NEEDS YOU
I MEAN THEY WILL BE HURT AND BETRAYED BY MY SELFISHNESS 😂😂😂🤣SEE EVEN IN DEATH YOU ARE A MISERY TO EVERYONE‼️
YOUR COALS TO BURN YOU ALIVE FOR ETERNITY ARE ALREADY BEING LIT
I MEAN I DONT WANT TO GO TO HELL
IM NOT EVIL
I DONT WANT TO BE ON LUCIFER'S OR GOD'S SIDE
I JUST DONT WANT TO BE ON ANYONE'S SIDE
I DONT WANT TO EXIST
I DONT KNOW WHAT THE FUCK GOES ON AFTER ONE DIES...BUT CAN I JUST PLEASE DISSAPPEAR AND CEASE TO EXIST
LOOK AT YOU GIN
RUNNING AWAY FROM LIFE LIKE A COWARD
AND ALSO TRYING TO RUN AWAY FROM MY PUNISHMENT
I FEEL LIKE I CANT BREATHE
I FEEL LIKE MY HEART IS BEING SQUEEZED SO HARD
YOU ARE A DISGRACE TO HUMAN SOCIETY
YOU SEXUALITY
YOUR MINDSET
NO ONE NEEDS SUCH FILTH,DIRTY STAINS IN THEIR LIVES
I WAS HERE BUT I WAS NEVER HERE
YOU SAID HELLO ONCE OR TWICE
SO MY DEPARTURE FROM EXISTING SHOULDNT AFFECT YOU AT ALL
JUST ATTEND MY SENDING AWAY BTS THEMED "FUNERAL"...CRY A LITTLE...REMINISCE SOME OLD TIMES WE HAD TOGETHER AND MOVE ON WITH YOUR LIVES
FOR MY FAMILY...I AM EXTREMELY PROFOUNDLY SORRY TO MY FAMILY...I WISH I COULD ERASE MYSELF IN A NOT SO TRAUMATIC WAY..LIKE A PHYSICAL ILLNESS OR SOMETHING...THATS EASIER TO ACCEPT AND MOVE ON
BUT MAYBE LEARN FROM ME
IT MIGHT BE PAINFUL
BUT PLEASE GROW CLOSER AS A FAMILY
STAND TOGETHER AND LOVE THE HELL OUT OF ONE ANOTHER
To be completely transparent and honest,Bangtan are a very high reason why I never stick a knife in my throat esp Park Jimin...I keep telling myself to wait and see what they do next....they will never know they had someone who loved them so much that they were my life jackets,my beam of light...they will never know of my existence as an individual and that's okay...it's been a great journey with them...they made me see the beauty of life but unfortunately the darkness won....I CAN BREATHE TOTALLY FINE BUT I CANT BREATHE....MY LUNGS ARE BURNING..MY MIND IS SCREAMING....DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE WHY WONT YOU DIE YOU USELESS PIECE OF SHIT....🤮🤮🤮YOU DISGUST ME..NOTHING ABOUT YOU IS LOVEABLE...WELL YOUR FAMILY LOVES YOU BECAUSE THEY HAVE NO OTHER CHOICE..THEY CANT HATE YOU...GOD STRIKE ME DOWN..IM AN EMBARRASSMENT AND A WASTE OF SPACE, A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND ERASE ME...PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND JUST MAKE ME DISSAPPEAR NEVER TO EXIST AGAIN..PLEAS HAVE MERCY ON ME AND FORGIVE ME
PLEASE HAVE MERCY ON ME AND DONT CONDEMN ME TO AN ETERNITY OF PAIN AND SUFFERING
GIN.....WHAT IS RHHSSUEYEHKSKAUJDJKDJWJEJJEJEJJEJWJJRJDJJAKSJDIIE...IM TIRED AND EXHAUSTED AND DONE
PLEASE DONT HATE ME
PLEASE FORGIVE ME
I don't own any of this photos credit to the original owners
#thoughts#negativeintrusivethoughts#self-deprecating#mental health#mentally drained#exhausted af#archive#late night thoughts
0 notes
Note
this might not be something you personally have difficulty with, but i was recently diagnosed with severe adhd and i was wondering if you had any tips regarding just like….drawing?? i have such a hard time getting started even though i usually end up feeling pretty stoked and happy with my work if i manage to get something down. i used to draw constantly as a kid to help me focus in class, but in my adult life i just feel like there are so many invisible barriers between myself and putting pencil to paper. i’m sure there are a lot of perfectionism issues involved as well, so i guess just any sort of advice in any of those areas would be greatly appreciated! your work is fantastic and i’m really grateful that you share adhd stuff as well!! have a great day! :o)
i actually have a LOT of difficulty with this -- i have more difficulty than i have advice, probably! but my advice always ends up boiling down to the same thing lately, and it sounds really hokey but i mean it as literally as possible bc it's the only thing that consistently works for me: be fucking nice to yourself!
for a long time the only solution i had to being Inexplicably Unable To Do Something was to yell at myself, bully myself, assume that i wasn't trying hard enough, and end up a miserable little ball of confusion and frustration. it was def worse before i was diagnosed, but it's definitely not gone (sometimes "i don't know why i can't just do it!" just gets replaced with "well, i know what the problem is, so why can't i find a way around it?!"). and after many many years of experience with the bullying reaction vs a much shorter time comparing this reaction to other, kinder approaches, i can say with a lot of confidence that handling it with internal yelling and shaming doesn't work, straight up. it's not helpful, and most of the time it makes things worse -- even if you manage to force yourself to complete a task once or twice like this, it's too exhausting and demoralizing to be sustainable. so, while you haven't mentioned frustration in your question, that's still where my mind goes as a first step: if you're experiencing distress or anger or embarrassment over running into those barriers over and over again, the first step is practicing being calm and forgiving, not immediately trying to find a way around it. once you hit the wall and you find you can calmly go "oh, okay! this isn't working. let's figure out why" instead of immediately launching into "what the fuck is WRONG with me????", finding solutions is a lot easier.
the times i've surprised myself by having things just suddenly Flow after a long period of struggling are usually brought about by a ton of excitement and enthusiasm! i get really into a rarepair and i'm gripped with the need to make my own content, or i make a new oc who i really love, or i get back into a piece of media i haven't touched in a while and get all charged up with excitement. you gotta feed the tank to make stuff, so setting time aside to consume stuff that inspires and excites you is just as important as setting the time aside to actually sit down and try to draw.
another thing that has helped me is trying to be really purposeful abt reminding myself WHY i draw; sometimes, especially since it's my job, the images i'm supposed to be making just turn into this big featureless stack of Tasks instead of me really thinking about + appreciating what i do and why i love it. when i'm in a rut with commissions, for example, sometimes before i even try to start working (or if i HAVE tried to start and it's just not happening), i stop and sit down with the wips and really LOOK at them. i go through them one at a time and point out things i like about them or what i'm looking forward to doing: "the pose came out so good on the first try and i want to see what it'll look like finished," or "detailing all this hair is going to be so fun and relaxing." when you get so caught up in the constant repeated thought of "i just want to DO something, i want to DRAW," especially when it's been days or weeks or months where you can't, i think you can unconsciously start replacing "i want to draw because it's fun and i like what i make" with "i want to draw because i keep failing to and i just want to prove i can still do it," and for me the latter thought is usually way more distressing than it is motivating.
and finally, a failsafe: sometimes, when i can remember to do it, my secret weapon is counting down at myself for the tiniest steps possible. like i'll literally say out loud, "on the count of five, i'm going to stand up and go get my sketchbook. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5...." it has to be out loud and i think the reason it works is because like. if you say it out loud, reach five, and you don't do it, you feel astronomically goofy??? and then i just go from there: "on the count of 5, i'm going to find an empty page." "on the count of 5, i'm going to start sketching a head." it kind of forces through the executive dysfunction in a way i haven't really been able to replicate with anything else. it doesn't always work in a super meaningful way -- like, plenty of times i do like three steps and then i'm like "i hate this and i don't want to and i'm not gonna make anything good like this so i give up!" and then i just take the L for the afternoon. but when the "frozen in place, literally cannot stop just staring at the page" thing is the main issue, it might be enough of a push to get going!
as always here's me going "oh oop no i dont have a lot sorry" and then rambling for paragraphs and paragraphs but by now we should be used to that. good luck, and remember 2 be patient + nice :D
222 notes
·
View notes
Note
Tbh after finding your blog I was finally able to conceptualize why I was never comfortable talking to radblr as a bisexual women. Gay people aren't oppressors but the miserable and insecure ones out there really ENJOY tearing us down and silencing us just to make themselves feel better. We're easy targets from their POV bc we dont have a strong community to fall back on.
It's also so fucking funny how they try to pretend that bisexuals never existed before the 20th century bc bisexuals "have the option to be in a straight relationship, therefore they are incapable of ever falling in love with the same sex". Like sis? 😂 sexuality can't be turned off, it would be deranged to try and push the idea that every same sex interaction throughout history was done by lesbians and gay men. The reality is that we're never gonna know for certain whether or not those people were gay or bi bc straight people never gave a fuck to differentiate between us until very recently.
And then some gay people have the absolute gall to tell us what is and what isn't biphobic. Like seriously, what the actual FUCK do these clowns get out trying to police us? Some of yall need to mind your own business lmao. They also use homophobic bi people as an excuse to degrade bisexuals and silence us. Radblr really is a cesspool of shitty women pretending to be feminists, but I'm glad I was able to find a bisexual radfem that doesn't cowtail to their bullshit. Wish you all the luck in the world bestie ❤.
I couldn't say that any better myself, seriously.
The one difference that they refuse to acknowledge is that while we're equally oppressed by straight people, they have spaces where they can vent about straight people and get applauded for it, while bisexuals are never allowed to talk about our oppression ever.
They obsess with hating us, but we can't even convince our own community to even only care about the worst examples of biphobic oppression, never mind discuss biphobic oppression in general, so how can we liberate ourselves when even in spaces that are supposed to understand oppression, we're not allowed to speak?
The worst of it is that we always have to apologise for the homophobic bisexuals, but they never apologise for the biphobic monosexuals. And I say monosexuals, because straight biphobes are coddled by lesbians. Straight people! Literally the group that oppress them!
So not only do you have insecure lesbians attacking us to be both biphobic and misogynistic because they feel more "comfortable" abusing us instead of holding straight men accountable, you have self-hating bisexuals who suck up to them because they've been trained to see any issues surrounding bisexuality as "unimportant" where their only purpose is to exist as tokens to silence the rest of us and virtue-signal and support biphobia, and even worse than all of that is the straight women who then get so comfortable that they sidle up to lesbians, pretending to be their allies to vent all of their hatred for everyone who isn't straight towards bisexuals, making sure simply to not be outwardly homophobic because they know that homophobia is the thing that calls them out.
The biggest irony in this space is the obsession with sex. They're such fauxminists that they believe that internalised misogyny ends with the technical ability to not hate and be traumatised by PIV sex, which ends up making them believe that sexuality and acting on sexuality is a sign of moral purity, when it blatantly isn't.
The inability to understand that bisexuality is an actual sexuality ends up making them both idiots and hypocrites, coddling straight oppressors as an excuse to hate us. Their biphobia always ends up ironically swinging right back around to homophobia, like the idea that bisexuals can "choose" who to fall in love with (oh, so lesbians can just "choose" not to fall in love with another woman and avoid homophobia, then?) or that it's fine for bisexuals to deny and hide our sexuality (oh, so lesbians can just stay closeted and then not be oppressed at all, then?) or that the only real oppression by straight people is down to who you partner and have sex with (oh, so lesbians aren't ever oppressed for being individual lesbians, and only are oppressed when they get girlfriends?) etc that is nothing but victim-blaming and a denial of the most obvious reality.
But then we talk about this, and the answer is, "Bisexuals talk over everyone all the time and make everything about themselves!" when they show, every single day, that whenever a bisexual talks on their own blog about their own issues, not bothering anyone else, even that's too much for them to handle and they have to shut it down because they're so used to any discussion of sexuality-based oppression being about them, and they get right into their egotistical, me-me-me feelings that if they can't relate entirely to what a bisexual is saying, then it's somehow "oppressive," but at the same time, they constantly tell us that we can't relate to them and we still have to shut up.
Reading through Anything That Moves, published 30 years ago, shows the exact same issues that we're having right now, well before there was an excuse of saying, "Oh, the bisexuals are behind all the TRA homophobia!" (right until they see blatant biphobia from TRAs and then still can't help but ignore the biphobia to make it all about themselves.)
Nobody cares about us but ourselves. Our actual allies are very few and far between. I have plenty of monosexual followers who do absolutely nothing to support us. Barely a like, hardly ever a reblog, compared to the straights who will run to talk about how terrible homophobia is, but stay silent about biphobia to then support being biphobic for another sweet taste of enjoying their oppressor status right out in the open, where no one is calling them out for it.
What use are they?
Bisexuals are expected to prioritise lesbians, because if we ever have the audacity to simply focus on our own issues and raise our own group's consciousness, that's attacked and vilified as evil and homophobic. Imagine that: doing nothing homophobic at all, but speaking about ourselves and caring about our group first is an automatic sign of bigotry. Which other oppressed minority group is hated to that extent, who also isn't allowed to define our own oppression and is called "abusive" or "manipulative" for standing up and creating and enforcing our own boundaries?
This space is full of nothing but misogynistic hypocrites who have migrated from TRA spaces to use the label "feminist" like that makes them superior to others, who love being misogynistic to the "right" group of women, who fail the first understanding of misogyny to blame bisexual women for the evils that men do, who use lesbians and homosexuality as a shield to hide behind their bigotry, who fetishise lesbians to a creepy, disgusting extent, who fake understanding what oppression is to pretend to be smart and then obsessively talk over an oppressed group, who are more than happy to defend straight oppressors, who are more than happy to defend male oppressors, who are more than happy to absolve rape-promoting TIMs to abuse innocent women instead, who lie about what homophobic TIMs and TIFs want and deny straight-out fetishistic homophobia for no other purpose but to attack bisexual women, who deify Dworkin but make sure not to touch her bisexuality, who claim to hate how women's history is erased by men and then rush to erase bisexual women's history, who hate the silencing of women but who love silencing bisexual women, and I could go on.
There is so much misogyny towards "handmaidens," women who are simply brainwashed by patriarchy and female socialisation, women who really do think that they're doing the right thing even though they end up harming themselves and other women, attacked and abused and laughed at for something that we all know is down to how women are abused with misogyny from the moment that her parents know they're going to have a little girl, but the truth is that the only "handmaidens" I see are the bisexual women who have been exposed to the truth about biphobia, who have seen the statistics when it comes to biphobia, who have witnessed biphobia, who know and understand what oppression in general is and know what bisexuality is and then still decide, with all that knowledge, that they would rather join in with that biphobia, minimise biphobia and virtue-signal for biphobes that they're #NotLikeOtherBisexuals to selfishly try and protect themselves on that thinnest of ice while deliberately throwing the rest of us under the bus.
I have tried being gentle. I've tried being reasonable. I've tried sharing science. I've tried sharing personal experience. I've tried everything, and none of it works, so why should I or any other bisexual be trapped by tone-policing biphobes that will do everything to attempt to enforce our silence? No. Not happening. Not putting up with that anymore.
I have been so naive and wanted to convince myself that the majority of biphobia was down to little more than accidental ignorance. I still think that there are biphobes who are and promote biphobia because they're ignorant, and if they want to learn more or have reasonable, good faith conversations, then I will absolutely support them in that because that helps bisexuals in general. But no, most of it isn't accidental ignorance. Most of it is deliberate, malicious biphobia down to nothing more than very real, very deliberate and chosen hatred of us.
At this point, as far as I am concerned, allies are either allies supporting us as bisexuals openly, who stand with us to help us face the ire of biphobes, or they are useless to me and as bad as the biphobes that they are silent against. They don't have to fear and risk internalising that biphobic hatred, but that's too much for them? Fuck that. This is our lives we're talking about, and they're too scared to stand up to a biphobe? A straight person too scared to say anything against a straight biphobe online? A lesbian too scared to say anything against a lesbian biphobe online? When bisexuals are always standing against homophobic bisexuals?
Who needs that cowardice? Who needs that spinelessness? Because I certainly don't.
I pity the bisexuals with such internalised biphobia that they choose to be the actual "handmaidens," but the truth is that in this space, they're the only bisexuals with voices who are "listened to," and that's only because they're useful tools to attack the rest of us with. They can either grow some spine, join with us and learn to break that internalised biphobia, or they can shut their mouths entirely and let bisexuals with self-respect and boundaries do the talking.
That's where I am right now.
#crocodilian answers#Excuse that long rant lol#but I'm just...#No more presumption of ignorance unless it's someone coming and asking a question in good faith or being confused#All monosexuals are biphobic and not to be trusted until they prove themselves otherwise
14 notes
·
View notes
Text
after (jjk) 004
masterlist
pairing: patient!oc x patient!jungkook
genre: friends to lovers au, kinda a hazel and gus trope, | lots of angst, fluff and suggestive themes
warning: a lot of self deprecation and some fluff (FINALLY 🤪) and swearing
authors note: again sorry this chapter is a little short but i swear it’s gonna get better 😩.
jungkook and i walked side by side in silence. mainly because i was way too far into my head thinking about every conversation i’ve had today. the one with my mom. the one with namjoon. and jungkook’s sentence at the end of our meeting.
i knew my mom only meant well, and i swear i wasn’t trying to be that weird kid who is always aggressively angry for no reason at all. it was just easier this way. the more i could make my parents hate me a little, the easier it would be to grieve for them. it was sick, and i knew it, but it was just so damn hard to change who i am. i knew the reason i was so against getting better was purely out of fear. fear of what the future could be like if i actually tried to get better. but with every hill i seem to climb over, there’s another one steeper and rougher than the last that i could never seem to getpast. it was tiring. fuck, i was so tired.
tired of always feeling this way. tired of hurting everyone around me. tired of being this miserable asshole with no sense of purpose or direction. there were nights i would literally beg myself to be normal. but the part of my brain that thrives in dysfunction just laughs at the kitten trying to be a lion. how could you battle yourself? because truthfully, the only one stopping me from living is me. and i knew that. and that’s what seems to make it worse.
i knew i could be happier if i allowed myself to be. i could get better through this corny ass group therapy and start thriving in ways i was meant to. but i felt it was undeserving. how could i allow myself to finally be happy after all the pain i’ve caused?
speaking of group therapy, how the fuck was i supposed to bare my heart for all to see when the thoughts inside my head continue to scream “THEY DONT CARE. MOVE ON.” i know they’re wrong. it doesn’t take a namjoon to tell me it is. but some part of me agrees. these people are here to make themselves feel better. they don’t care about others. they just want to vent and let it out and move on. so why waste my breathe exposing myself to a group of people who are probably not even listening half the time anyway?
but maybe yoongi does? or even jungkook.
ah… jungkook. what did he mean by—
“you know, you make faces when you change subjects in your head,” jungkook speaks aloud, making me jump. i must’ve been so wrapped up in my own thoughts that i forgot he was even here. guilt nipped at my heart, as per usual, when this thought washed over me.
“what do you mean?” i ask, looking up at his smiling face. why was this dude always smiling?
“you furrow your eyebrows and then widen your eyes and you also scrunch your nose. you sure do think a lot,” he shrugs.
“yeah well my mind is the only place i can’t be judged in,” i counter. he chuckles and shakes his head.
“you have the group,” he offers, kicking a rock in his path.
“not really. i’m not too comfortable sharing my agony with a bunch of strangers,” i say, dismissing the idea entirely.
“ya know, i’m in the group too. just talk to me if it helps,” he smiles, looking at me. i look back at him and think about it. i mean, it’s the same as picturing your audience naked right? a beacon to withhold peace? but was i really comfortable sharing my thoughts with him?
“i don’t know,” i shrug.
“you do know, but you just don’t want to. and that’s okay too. i just figured it might help. think about it?” he says, his tone hopeful.
“why do you care so much?”
“because i was once you, remember? i remember thinking that this whole group therapy was pointless. i literally had cancer and was gonna die anyway. who cares who hears what i have to say, right?” he says. he was right. i didn’t say that though.
“i’m taking your silence as a yes,” he says, grinning before he continues, “and that means that you and i aren’t so different. i really didn’t care what people thought of me or my feelings and i would’ve much rather have been anywhere else. but i decided, since i’m gonna die anyway, it won’t matter what i say. so why not say it?”
his point of view opened up a new door. if my mind wouldn’t allow me to dream in the realm of living past this stage in my life, then why not say fuck it and say what i have to while i’m still kicking?
“i’ll think about it,” i say. i could see out of my peripheral vision that jungkook was smiling to himself and in return i smiled a bit too.
when we walked up the drive to my house, i offered him to come in.
“nah, i gotta meet someone, but thanks for being gracious enough to offer,” he smiles.
“you’re so weird,” i laugh. he gave me another smile, but this one was different and it made my heart race.
“what?” i ask.
“i like your laugh. it makes my heart do flips,” he says. i roll my eyes and playfully shove him in his chest.
“you’re just so corny that it’s funny,” i say.
“then consider me your personal kevin hart,” he says, grabbing my hand. he holds it in his own, rubbing his thumb on the back of my hand. his skin was soft and i wanted to keep holding it for some reason.
“i thought you had to go?” i tease, pulling my hand back reluctantly.
“i only see you once a week. i need to take in as much of you as i can,” he says, putting his hand in his sweater pocket.
“take a picture, it’ll last longer,” i scoff. jungkook’s eyes widen before he pulls out his phone.
“wait it was a joke!” i yelp, ducking from his camera.
“nope, i need a photo to show off,” he chuckles. he began chasing me around my yard, his camera shutter going off every once in a while. the two of us were like children, running around my yard, acting like fools. but for once, i didn’t care. jungkook catches me by the waist, pulling me into his chest. the both of us were panting, partially from laughing, the other from exertion. jungkook spins me around to face him, a brightening smile on his lips. he was close, i could smell his scent: a bit of floral and wood. it was a different combination but it overtook my senses and i swore i couldn’t get enough. this kid was addicting and scared me how easy it was to catch.
“if i can’t have a picture, can i have your number at least?” jungkook smiles. i nod, snatching his phone and putting in my number.
“you could’ve asked for that first before you made me run around my front lawn,” i chuckle, shaking my head as i saved my contact.
“the chase is the fun part, everybody knows that,” he smiles, taking his phone back. it took me a second to realize he was still holding me, and then it came rushing down like a tsunami wave.
he was too close and it was scary.
i jumped back and cleared my throat, looking around to see if anybody was near.
“i should probably head in,” i say, eyeing my front door, avoiding eye contact.
jungkook approaches me, grabbing my hand tentatively, as if he was scared too.
“hey, i’m not gonna hurt you. you know that right?” he said.
it freaked me out how easy he could read me. but it also provided a sense of relief knowing that i didn’t have to lie to him all the time like with everyone else.
“i don’t know that. but thank you,” i say, smiling softly before patting his hand and walking off.
“hey yn!” he shouts once i reach my door. i whirl around, watching as he slowly walks backwards, a bright smile on his face.
“yeah?”
“you’re gonna fall in love with me,” he yelled. i chuckled at him.
“i thought you told me not to,” i smirk, teasing him back.
“since when did you listen to what people tell you to do?” he smiles. i rolled my eyes at this and shook my head.
“bye jungkook.”
he smiles.
“bye sunshine.”
#bts#kpop#bts jungkook#jungkook#bts angst#bts fanfic#bts fanfiction#bts fluff#bts jeon jungkook#bts scenarios#jeon jungkook fluff#jeon jungkook angst#jungkook fluff#jungkook angst#jungkook x reader#jeon jungkook fic#jeon jungkook#jeon jungkook scenarios#jeon#jungkook scenarios#kpop scenarios
29 notes
·
View notes
Last Seen Blogs
truemohairlover
truemohairlover
alucinogenos-420-blog
alucinogenos-420
doublefacetiger
White Dewback
rtingles69
Love Asian MILF and TS
short-for-jules
my ass is not posting here rn sorry