Tosin Talks about looking back and moving forward

This past year simultaneously flew by and lasted too long. I have an immense amount of gratitude concerning every emotion and event that I experienced in 2023. I’m glad to have experienced a wide array of feelings and states of mind such as disappointment, loneliness, contentment, bliss, ennui, confusion, confidence, appreciation, and many more. I am thankful to all the reminders that I am human, for better or for worse.

One of the greatest lessons I learned over these last 12 months in addition to the last 24 years of my life is how resilient my mind and heart are. My mind can undergo pain—trivial or tumultuous—but it can and will heal. My heart can be poked at or violently pulled in various directions but it can never be destroyed and the love I have for the world and its inhabitants will remain. I admire the perseverance and efforts of these organs. Despite all the horrors that they have witnessed, both still work their hardest everyday to keep me alive and well. I’m grateful to your hearts and minds as well for trying even when living seems like an overwhelming chore. 

The importance of community was greatly emphasized this past year. The idea of showing up for others and being grateful to those who show up for you presented itself to me in various ways. As a counselor-in-training, I’ve learned just how impactful it is to sit with someone as they process emotions. Sometimes bearing witness to what one may be going through is enough. Many around the world, notably those in nations such as Palestine, Congo, and Sudan, are experiencing inhumane treatment and suffering—it is so crucial for those in positions of privilege to speak up for the voices that aren’t being heard. I believe that we hold the responsibility of caring for and helping each other in ways that are in our individual power. Society is experiencing a loneliness epidemic (this might be an after effect of the ongoing COVID pandemic), we need to collaborate with one another to combat this issue. Individualism will not save us so community is important now more than ever.  

I believe that the most important lesson I was taught this past year was to exhibit unwavering authenticity. Being genuine to myself, to my beliefs and morals, and to the world became my top priority. There came a period during the year when I realized that I was feeling so down and despondent because I was struggling with being myself. I decided to step away from everyone else and discover who I am in this moment of time and love her so much that I refuse to hide her. The woman that I have become and the impact that she has made has been the most rewarding piece of 2023. I’m hoping that as I meet new parts of myself and evolve in my many identities that I don't lose who I am at my core.

Time is real but it isn’t real…obviously, since I’m sharing this halfway through January and haven’t written a blogpost since July 2023. It’s no biggie though, the writing is done on its own time. The concept of a new year is a social construct so don’t feel pressured to transform during this first month. Give yourself grace as you continue life at your own pace. 

I’m wishing you all a year of joy, abundance, love, and success!

Background music by jeongsin

Tosin Talks about releasing and rephrasing

Alright…I’m done being angry. I’m over being sad. I’m sick of being a victim. I’m tired of being distant. I’m letting go of resentment, defeat, insecurity, worry and wondering, guilt, and every other emotion that has plagued me these past couple of months. I’m releasing control and rephrasing the way I view things.

I’ve been away for a while, both on my blog and outside of my pink themed laptop. I experienced some personal challenges that called for me to retreat for a little bit. I was finishing up the school semester with what felt like my four last brain cells so focusing was a tremendous task. A few end-of-semester assignments were surrounding the topic of BPD so I think that brought up some shame for me. Work was becoming quite overwhelming and tiring. A few of my recently made friendships abruptly came to an end and once the Spring semester was over, it felt like most of my school friendships were headed that way too. I’ve felt really alone recently but that might've been the point.

I don’t think my hermit phase was necessarily a bad thing. I think I needed to learn to be alone and comfortable with my own company. This period alone allowed me to do some shadow work and uncover the parts of myself that I still need to confront and forgive. I additionally felt like the energy and effort I put into school, work, and relationships amounted to nothing and that this has always been the case. I needed time to put that energy and effort into myself so I could stop feeling like I was losing in every aspect of life. I was spiteful of the world and everyone in it. I felt undervalued, unappreciated, unimportant, abandoned, alone. I asked myself, the universe, and intuitive readers the same question, “I’ve done everything right, I’ve put in so much, I’ve suffered enough and I’m not suffering anymore so…why do I still hate my life?!” 

The answer has always been within myself. I just wanted it to be clearly written out for me, but where’s the lesson in that? I often assume that because I’ve endured trauma at a young age that every bit of hardship should cease and I should be living an absolute fairytale. I expect to never experience an obstacle that provokes personal development after just getting through the last one. But that would defeat the purpose of personal development. If I never faced a single challenge ever again, how would I become my best self? 

I consider myself a “forever student”, I love learning new things and refreshing or expanding my knowledge on things I already know. Rephrasing life’s challenges, even the ones I’ve experienced before, as opportunities to learn and grow has significantly impacted the attitude I have towards them. I’m not too scared of Tower moments anymore because I know that these experiences are for my highest and greatest good. They’re difficult changes to go through and I’m allowed to feel whatever I want to feel but remaining in the negative headspace seldom allows for progress outside my head. It’s hard to hold onto hope but it feels better than holding onto hate. 

I guess this was all part of my most recent life challenge and I was going to keep going through the same obstacles until I learned to view them less as barriers and more as moments to be better. I was going to keep holding onto hate, anger, shame, bitterness, and doubt until I was finally ready to freely feel love, peace, forgiveness, empathy, and confidence. I was going to keep asking every therapist and psychic the same questions until I listened to my intuition and found the answers in myself.

Here I was thinking some of the answers would come to me while meditating in nature…but they came while rejoining Instagram to post silly memes and while adding kombucha to my grocery list and while preparing my outfits for the Barbie movie and…when I just stopped asking.

Background music by Arcane Beats

Tosin Talks about feeling too little and too much

“i am either a mighty tsunami or i am a calm ripple in the sea. i am either a blazing wildfire or i am the quick spark of a matchstick. i am either a violent tornado or i am a steady and gentle breeze. i am either a shattering earthquake or i am a small rock, crushed into sand. i am either too much or i am too little.”

I’m on a balance beam of emotions but rather than actually attempting to make it to the end of the beam, I’ve been standing still and refusing to try. Sure, this method prevents me from falling but it also prevents me from reaching the end. I’ve recently been restricting myself from feeling because I’m afraid of having my emotions consume me. Individuals with Borderline Personality Disorder tend to feel emotions on an intense level. Anger becomes rage, sadness becomes sorrow, love looks like obsession, joy feels like euphoria. That current emotion takes over your entire being and it truly feels like you’re held captive by your feelings. I’ve been so scared of being trapped on an emotional rollercoaster again that I’ve barred myself from feeling anything at all.

During my last therapy session, my counselor told me that she observes that I’m engaging in emotional bypass but she’s not surprised since I’m a counseling student. I’ve been intellectualizing my feelings and trying terribly hard to convince myself and everyone around me that I’m too cool to experience emotions. As a counseling student with a lived experience, I feel pressured to uphold an extraordinary level of stability and poise. I worry that if I ever feel down, it means that I’m not actually getting better and that I’m not fit to be a counselor. However, I have to remember that I’m a human, first and foremost, and that means that I’m going to feel a wide range of emotions. There’s no shame in being sensitive. 

The masking of my emotions came immediately after exposing a bit of my heart. I was vulnerable in my last three Tosin Talks—I discussed the shame I have about rushing relationships, feeling lonely while needing love, and still experiencing some minor symptoms of BPD. I also revealed certain feelings and shared emotional intimacy with those in my personal life this past month. An alarm went off in my head as if I had bared too much of myself or let people too far into my heart and I went into lockdown as a result. I became too afraid to cry because I didn’t want to be the depressed girl anymore; too afraid to love because I didn’t want to love too hard and be abandoned; too afraid to have needs because I didn’t want to be seen as needy or too much to care for; too afraid to be happy and hopeful because I didn’t want to eventually be heartbroken.

I’m going to experience those feelings whether I want to, expect them, allow them or not. To still maintain some level of control of my emotions, I try to feel them as they come. I try not stuff them all into a box until it finally explodes. I learned the hard way that avoiding emotions altogether will only bring a flooding of feelings. I thought the way to balance my intense feelings was to not feel at all but what I truly needed to do was to experience and validate my emotions in the moment. And honestly, it’s really not that bad to have an emotional breakdown every once in a while, as long as I’m keeping myself safe and utilizing healthy resources and coping skills. It’s okay to be affected by others, to feel emotions and respond from the heart, to have needs and vocalize them. Feel bliss, heartbreak, passion, gloom, peace, worry, yearning, and everything else in the emotions archive—it is your right as a human to feel and you shouldn’t take that away from yourself.

Background music by Arcane Beats

Tosin Talks about residual symptoms of BPD

I haven’t really directly talked about symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder on my blog because I haven’t felt ready to discuss the real horrors of the disorder; I wasn’t even sure where to start and how to talk about my story. Additionally, I just haven’t been as affected by my symptoms as I used to be. For years, I have been working hard to recover from the diagnosis that I received in 2018 and undiagnosed symptoms that I experienced before then. Recovery is possible and I believe I’ve survived some of the worst parts of the disorder but BPD is a mental illness that greatly impacts one’s thought processes and perception of the world so I still experience the long-term effects of it.

I haven’t had a typical “BPD episode” in about 3-4 months. I don’t think I’ve self-harmed in about 6-7 months and I don't have constant urges to do so either. My reactions and responses are a lot less intense these days which probably means that my mental health has improved. Now that the life-threatening and extremely destructive symptoms aren’t a main issue, I am working on my issues with emotional impermanence, interpersonal relationships, splitting, and chronic emptiness.

I still struggle with the well known BPD concept of a “favorite person”, especially since a long-term relationship recently ended. I try to be cognizant of when I may unconsciously make someone else my new favorite person but it can be difficult to notice since my symptoms aren’t that intense anymore. Now that I process and evaluate my feelings towards someone, it’s not as easy to realize if I just really like and admire them or I’m idealizing them. The downside to when I realize that I might have idealized someone that I’m close to is the devaluation and emptiness that follows. The shift isn’t as grandiose as it used to be and rather than switching from black to white, I move between dark grey and light grey. I’ve been working really hard on not letting others’ thoughts, opinions, and worldviews become my own or heavily impact the way I perceive myself. I used to shapeshift to become whoever I assumed my favorite person wanted me to be. Now, I’m discovering my true self and learning to love her and choose her every time.

I definitely still experience mood swings but the highs and lows aren’t very high or low and they mostly occur on or around my period. Something that’s frustrating to still experience is emotional impermanence. I wish I had a better hold on an emotion and did a better job of remembering that a certain emotion will return. Another symptom that I still occasionally experience is chronic emptiness. I feel what Charles Baudelaire called “ennui”. I feel extremely detached and like I’m watching myself live this silly game of mundanity. I feel disconnected from the city I live in and some of the people I interact with and have little hope of this issue improving. I haven’t yet discovered what triggers my feelings of numbness and emptiness, it’s almost like I’m splitting on life itself. However, I’ve been combatting the emptiness by creating and stimulating my mind. I’ve been reading, learning new things, and writing a lot more.

Sometimes I get disappointed in myself for still experiencing minor symptoms. I understand that BPD can be a lifelong journey even if/when I no longer meet diagnosing criteria but I am fearful that I may never have a healthy, happy, long-term partnership or have my emotions completely in check or feel at home anywhere that I move to. I’m learning to give myself the same grace that I would give a future client or my younger self. I’ve come so far, my progress is definitely observable and I can acknowledge my effort and the results of that hard work. I’m not expected to completely rid myself of over a decade of mental health challenges in just a day. If I’m being honest, I didn’t expect myself to even live this long so I’m simply proud to be alive and sharing my story with you all. 

If you are experiencing thoughts of suicide or emotional distress, dial 988 for the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline or text “HELLO” to 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. For more education, advocacy, and support about BPD, visit the National Education Alliance for Borderline Personality Disorder (neabpd.org) and the National Alliance on Mental Illness (nami.org).

Background music by Mist3r

Currently Reading

I'm currently reading Conversations on Love by Natasha Lunn. I hope to finish it around Valentine's Day and reevaluate some of the recent Tosin Talks that I've shared. I'll post my thoughts on the book along with how my view of love, relationships, loss, and loneliness have changed. I have a personal and professional interest in interpersonal relationships so I hope the book provides knowledge that I can share with future clients as well as the clarity I need for my own relationships.

My counselor recommended the work of Esther Perel, a psychotherapist that focuses on relational and erotic intelligence. While scrolling through TikTok, I watched a video that read an excerpt from Lunn's book that really resonated with me. Once I discovered the book, I learned that it features an interview with Esther Perel on unrealistic expectations so I decided to read it. I'm not too far in but it's already a fantastic read!

My childhood home life was not a positive one and I had a tendency to escape into books and other media to avoid the chaos at home. Not only was a happy, healthy marriage not modeled for me in reality but the fantasies became my expectation of a relationship. My friendships have taught me and allowed me to experience love in beautiful ways but I have had very few close, long-lasting friendships so I still felt inadequate and undeserving of love, whatever that was. I've journaled, cried, and confided in my counselor about feeling like I don't know how to "do love or marriage or family" and fearing that I wasn't "made for happy or home". I often worry that my past and BPD diagnosis puts me at a great disadvantage for love and relationships but the book has been a gentle reminder that I'm not alone in my experience. The book sheds light on the ridiculous rules of the imaginary game that we all play to win love and the universal desire for connection.

Tosin Talks about the lover's loneliness

Just a fair warning that I’m being really vulnerable in this blog post. Talking about childhood trauma and struggling with BPD…not a big deal, I’ll talk about those things to help others any day. However, talking about having feelings and wanting to be truly loved and cherished? I feel disgusting and ashamed just thinking about it. Please read/listen with kindness and acceptance in your heart. 

“I love my solitude but I was meant to be a lover.” I’m a certified lover girl at my core. My softness is my strength, it’s what enabled me to rise above adversity. I’m blessed to have friends that taught me what true love is. I believe that being loved by me is a blessing as well. No other feeling satiates me as much as love does. The most remarkable feeling is when I’m full of love and the most devastating feeling is when someone hurts me and I have to work tremendously hard to replenish myself of love. I end my letters to loved ones with the sweetest sign off. When I was just a little younger, I would hand out an “I love you” to almost every soul I encountered and despite the harm that I faced from doing that, I wish I had the strength to be that girl again.  

Admittedly, I often have a “difficult” time being alone and recently, I’ve felt like I’m truly alone in this world. It’s a physical, emotional, and spiritual sensation that often feels like an aching, a longing, a yearning for connection. It’s not that I can’t be alone—I moved to two different cities during my adult life alone, I live alone, I make big decisions alone, I handle my business alone. I was raised not to depend on anyone and to achieve my goals on my own if others were not putting in the effort to join me. Even if I’m responsible for others and required to be a caregiver to other people, there is still loneliness in that role. I definitely know how to be alone. I always felt alone in the way I think, the way I behave, the way I love and want love. I often felt like I didn’t fit in, even within my own culture and family. If you’ve read my Tosin Talk about covid killing my friendships, you know that I’ve learned how to survive without connections but I don’t want to live in survival mode anymore.

As I mentioned earlier, the loneliness is felt on three different levels. On a physical level, I feel almost a desperation to be held but refusal to have the wrong person do so. I sleep solely on one side of my bed, hoping and waiting for someone worthy to fill the empty space on the other side. I wish to turn in my bed and into the arms of someone who cares for me deeply. With emotional loneliness, I’m not only yearning for true love but for someone to be able to handle my emotions with care. I can only hold in so much, I can only say and do so much to soothe myself. Sometimes, I wish that there was someone there to sit with me through some of those feelings. I’m used to crying to myself and I hate crying in front of people so the emotional loneliness is grand. Spiritual loneliness is a truly hollow feeling. I feel deeply disconnected to many people, many interactions make me feel like I’m lost and floating through space. I’m searching for the souls that are destined to bond with mine. I think I’ve found a few and I can feel others searching for me too but it may not be time for some of those connections to exist or be promoted to another level. 

Recently, I’ve had to teach myself to be alone. I take intentional breaks from everyone and force myself to let loneliness surround me and hold me the same way that I would want another person to. It’s not the worst thing I’ve ever felt, it’s definitely strange and uncomfortable though. I recently ended a relationship in which I felt lonely and was actually alone even though we were together. I would rather be genuinely alone than experience that again; that’s what parts of my childhood felt like and I won’t consciously put myself through that again. That being said, I’m learning to find comfort in my solitude and keep in mind that I am deserving of the incredible love and deep connection that I desire.

I know I won’t be forever alone (at least, I really hope that I won’t). I’m learning to be patient. I am trying to trust in the universe that, when the time is right, it’ll give me the intimacy and tenderness that I’ve been searching for all my life.

With an abundance of love,

Tosin

Background music - Backingtracks Jazz chord progression of "Solitude" by Billie Holiday

Tosin Talks about falling too fast & taking things slow

I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’m a Leo venus or because I have BPD and attachment issues but I tend to fall for people too fast. I’m prone to idealizing people if they hold a few traits that I admire and give me the slightest bit of attention. I relate to the Chet Baker song “I Fall in Love Too Easily” and find myself falling “in love too terribly hard for love to ever last.” It’s especially complicated when I did all this idealizing so early on and as I’m actually getting to know a person more, I discover a trait that I dislike and switch to devaluing them. I always described myself as “bad at making and keeping friends” but I’m only now understanding the behaviors that I engage in that may have caused that. I take responsibility for the part that I played in unhealthy and failed relationships.

I recently watched a TikTok video by @dyllllly where she discusses treating strangers like strangers and not feigning a deep connection with people who you’ve just met. Dylan says, “You can meet someone and just have amazing chemistry with them right off the bat, that’s already an amazing thing. Don’t add the extra pressure of that meaning you know who they are at their core.” Being a hopeless romantic, I’m always trying to make deeper meaning out of the ordinary. I’ve always had difficulty with just letting things be and not tying some romanticized meaning to an interaction. I’m so used to expediting connection due to my desperation to be close with someone, anyone. I feel for my longtime friend who has had to listen to me talk about how I know people that I just met or how I feel so deeply connected to a person that I’ve only known for a few days. I think this is why I used to overshare so early on into meeting people, it reinforces the imaginary connection that I made. I also think this is why I used to sleep with people without truly getting to know them, it reinforces that connection for them but once the situationship has ended and they claim that we shared good times together, the times they’re referring to are solely sexual. I realized that I feel unfulfilled in a lot of relationships because I don’t allow them to move at a natural and healthy pace, I’m taking instant intimacy and gratification over true connection.

I’m actually very ashamed of the way that I used to behave. I’m judging myself for interacting so immaturely in relationships and for victimizing myself when I didn’t help the situation much either. However, I’m trying to keep in mind that I’m only 23 and I’m healing from numerous years of trauma and mental health challenges. It’s impressive enough that I’m aware of the way I behave and even greater that I’m doing the work to change. These aren’t lessons that I was taught as a child; I never learned about boundaries, or how to prioritize my needs, or not to people please, or how to stop giving when I feel like I’m not getting enough back. Even if my caregivers briefly mentioned these lessons, they seldom modeled it in the relationships I had with them. As a teenager and young adult, the fact that I fell so fast and imagined a connection when there was little-to-nothing there made it easier for others to take advantage of me. An additional benefit was being able to pin the fault on me for being so “emotionally attached” or “naive” or “nice but dumb to only see the good in people”. 

I’ve only recently become aware of this problem and even more recently, have been thinking of ways to solve it. I think the reason I say I miss undergrad so often is because it was acceptable to fall into friendships and romantic relationships so fast and not truly get to know each other. But it’s evident that this method didn’t create strong friendships as I’m no longer close to any of those people. I don’t want to continue fast-tracking friendships and sacrificing true, long-lasting connections. Now that I’m a little older and being more present in my relationships and intentional about the ways I connect with people, I’m learning to take things slow. I’m understanding that true connection takes time and effort, even if there is something that instantly attracts you to another person. The friendships that I’ve made recently are teaching me these lessons and I’m immensely grateful for that. I’m learning to get to know people as they are in each moment and not necessarily for their potential or the potential of our relationship. I’m being respectful of others boundaries and learning how to set and respect my own. I’m indirectly being taught how to just let things be and not always feel the need to discover the intention or meaning behind everything. It’s actually been extremely rewarding to live this way, not only does it take away this overwhelming amount of pressure but it also makes me feel more secure in my relationships. Getting to know people and letting others get to know me at a healthy pace creates safety, security, and stability that I’m not used to having but I’m very thankful to have earned. I don’t have constant anxiety that they may abandon me nor do I overthink what I said and how they reacted because trust and intimacy were being built as we became more vulnerable with each other over time. 

This is still very recent progress but I’m proud of myself for finally becoming aware of this and putting in effort to be better for myself and with others. I’m hoping for more opportunities to learn and grow and more rewarding experiences. Thank you to my long-time friends for not giving up on me and staying in my corner. Thank you to my new friends who have influenced my growth. Thank you to my therapist and those that share their healing journeys. Thank you to my angels, guides, and mentors. And most especially, thank you to myself.

Background music by Edward Timershin of "I Fall in Love Too Easily" by Chet Baker

Tosin Talks about others' love and self-love

I’m always seeking approval, acceptance, validation, praise, love, and confirmation that I’m enough. As a child, I felt like I had to earn my parents’ love. I couldn’t just be, I had to perform to get their attention. Oftentimes, I wouldn’t get as much praise as I deserved because being the best was expected. As I’ve gotten older, it’s gotten difficult to compete and perform so my feelings of inadequacy have only increased. Admittedly, I still seek others’ approval and love and I disregard my feelings, discomfort, stability and boundaries in order to earn them. Despite how much effort I know that I’m putting in to impress them or get them to love me, it feels like nothing I do is ever enough. There were comments made and events that occurred in my childhood and early adulthood that created these feelings and affected me so much that I learned how to nitpick and criticize myself on my own. It’s apparent that those comments and events are partly responsible for the development of my Borderline Personality Disorder and false core beliefs (assumptions we have about ourselves and others that affect our thought processes). 

My main false core beliefs are that I’m unlovable, I’m inadequate, I did something wrong, I can’t trust anyone, and I am powerless and these are beliefs that stem from the relationships with both of my parents, my childhood trauma, and the sexual traumas I’ve experienced throughout my life. These traumatic experiences and negative thoughts impact the ways that I interact with the world. It causes me to lose myself just to be with other people, become desperate for others’ attention and do whatever it takes to earn it, search for love in the presence of those who hurt me, have an intense fear of abandonment, and have difficulty being alone. This is such an exhausting way to live and I know I’m not being true to myself and to others. I’m fortunate enough to be at a point where I’m aware of the way I think and to be willing to do the work that’s necessary to heal. I’m back in therapy again—although I have done a ton of amazing work in therapy in the past, there are still some things that I need to work on before I can be where and who I want to be.

I’m so excited to see the progress I make in therapy this time around. My thoughts have already changed slightly and I notice how much kinder I am to myself. There are days that I look at myself in the mirror and say, “I love you and I’m going to give you the world.” It’s unfortunate that my parents, former partners, and others couldn’t always provide the home, care, and consistency that I needed but I’m releasing the enormous pressure I placed on them and being appreciative of whatever they give or have given me. I’m learning to give that love and support to myself, to work hard to make that home for me because I do deserve it. I know that there are others who can offer me what I need but if I’m not able to heal my issues with codependency, avoiding abandonment, and low self-worth then my needs will be too much to fulfill and resentment will build. I don’t want to constantly worry if I’m not enough for others, I want to be enough for myself. I don’t want to cry myself to sleep because I’m not being loved how I want to be, I want to be able to care for myself especially since I know my needs best. I don’t want to be scared to be myself to avoid others leaving, I’m the one person that will never leave me so I should be true to her. I want to be able to assertively make my needs, boundaries, and passions clear to others so that I receive the good that I deserve. This next message is a reminder to myself and anyone else who might need to hear it. As I said in my high school graduation speech, “You are your best friend forever, so take care of yourself.” You deserve to be taken care of, by others, but especially, by yourself.

Background Music by Eric Godlow Beats

Life Update

I moved to a new city again, I’m still warming up to this one. I started a counseling master’s program and the view across campus is a top motivator to attending class. I’m doing pretty good with school too! I adopted a tabby point siamese cat; don’t be fooled by his cuteness, he is terrorizes me when he’s awake. I turned 23 in September but I still think that I’m 21. I carved a Jack-O-Lantern and gave candy to classmates. I made boba at home; I study at local coffee shops; I try to do pilates weekly; I got a wonderful new job; I’ve started baking again. I take pictures again—of myself, of the sky, of things that make me happy!

My most recent Tosin Talk was completed in a few hours so I apologize if it isn’t well done. I’m also sorry if it seems like I make posts about the same things; those are just the topics that are most prevalent in my personal life. I’ve been dealing a lot with issues of authenticity, making connections, minor mental health challenges, and a few other things. I’m still not sure what exactly to do with this blog but it’s here so I’m trying to use it to some capacity.

Tosin Talks about making friends and the roadtrip to myself

I haven’t been very vocal on this blog in a long time because I’m slightly ashamed of it. A lot has happened in the recent past that I’m still actively recovering and growing from. It’s been difficult to be myself—if I even know who that is—and accept most aspects of who I am. I desperately want a space to be my authentic self and where else is better to do so than the blog that’s dedicated to me talking about my somewhat unfiltered thoughts.

My first semester in this counseling master’s program is coming to an end! The most difficult part was adjusting to higher education in a new city all by myself; however, I’ve been in this situation during undergrad so I think I handled it better the second time around. I’ve done well in terms of academics and I’ve developed positive relationships with my professors and peers. I’ve learned so much fantastic information including various therapy modalities, qualities of a good counselor, and how to navigate being a counselor with a lived experience! It’s so cool to be part of the club after years of dreaming of this. I’ve wanted to be a therapist since I took AP Psychology in 9th grade; I give tons of thanks to my amazing teacher for fostering my love for the way the mind works. I’m learning what it’s like to be in the other seat during therapy; finally being in this position is a testament that things do get better. I don’t say this often but I’m glad that I didn’t take my life at 10 or 17 or 19. I’m honored to still be here, learning how to help others remain here. I wanted to get better so that I can help others get better and I’m getting closer and closer to that point.

Along with being in a new city all by myself came the difficulty of making friends. Most of the times that I’ve cried recently have concerned feeling alone and being worried about how others will perceive me. Since my last Tosin Talk, I’ve deactivated my personal social media accounts and I don’t really talk to anyone from college. A lot of my personality relied on social media and although the person I am online is almost identical with who I am in person, I feel like I don’t know how to be a person anymore. I find it difficult to know myself outside of my relationships and social interactions so the loss of those friendships felt like losing myself too. After two years of virtual school and a year of being back home, I’m desperate to make friends. News flash: making friends in your twenties is hard! I’m still not in a place where I feel like myself; I’m still in the process of finding myself and recovering from the damage that the pandemic did to my social and emotional development. I’m trying to balance being myself but being cautious of how much of myself that I reveal to people because I don’t want to “scare them away”. I’ve spent many nights crying about how my friends may not feel the same way about me or they think I’m annoying or they think I’m too fucked up to be a counselor or I talk too much or talk too little or that I don’t make any sense when I do talk. Fortunately, I’ve made a great group of friends and I admire many things about each of their personalities. I’m grateful for their presence in my life and the fact that they include me; I appreciate them more than they probably know. It warms my heart that they want to get to know me and spend time with me. 

I often worry that my desperation for friendship and connection is obvious to everyone. I try not to ask others to hang out or have study sessions too often. Grad school is very different from my freshman and sophomore year of undergrad when if I was having a bad day or wanted social interaction, I could just walk to campus or down the street to my friends’ apartments. We were all at similar points in our lives too so there was plenty of relatability and encouragement for friendship. Time and again, I find myself reminiscing on undergrad and thinking, I miss having friends…I used to do fun things with my friends…I miss exploring and engaging with the world…I miss dressing up and going out…I miss connection and intimacy…I miss myself, I miss being myself…I miss being full of love and light…I miss hugging friends and holding hands as we cross the street…I miss sleeping on the couch after having a day of picnicking or a night of drunk karaoke. But those times are over and I don’t know if I’ll ever get those kinds of connections or feelings again. Granted, there were some pretty god-awful events during undergrad but the highlights were some of the best moments of my life. It’s been implied by others that I need to grow up, be professional, and deal with the way life is but there’s this incessant call telling me that what I really need is to be myself and live a life of fulfillment.  

I have a particular intrigue with Jungian therapy; I’m fascinated with the idea that we have a desire to become our whole Self again. I truly feel like I’m in the middle of a journey back to myself. This roadtrip to my whole Self has been filled with many flat tires but beautiful sunsets; overheating engines but delicious food at local diners; heavy rain but lovely conversations. In an article about Jungian group therapy, Justin Hecht mentions that at some point in an individual’s life, there is a call from their psyche that their life is “felt to be devoid of meaning” (Hecht, 2011). I’ve recently become dissatisfied and even angry with my life—I’m finally at a point where I’m not constantly experiencing trauma and intense symptoms of a mental illness…so why am I still unhappy with my life? What am I missing? What am I still doing wrong? I feel that I have suffered enough and worked extremely hard to pull myself up from rock bottom; I deserve to live a life that I enjoy. 

I think I’m in the stage of finally acknowledging the call but feeling unsure of what to do next. I assume that I’ll figure out the next steps soon, as I’m completing my master’s and even beyond, so I’m hopeful. I’m excited to learn more about the formerly repressed parts of myself and more about the world. I'm excited for the life that I’ll live in the future. I know there are still some tire bursting potholes ahead of me but the opportunity to enjoy the scenery or get to know someone new will make the pit stops worth it. 

References

Hecht, J. B. (2011). Becoming Who We Are in Groups: One Jungian’s Approach to Group Psychotherapy. Group, 35(2), 151–165. http://www.jstor.org/stable/41716127  Background music by Eric Godlow Beats (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=msNh_Ou_nwU)

Are any of your personal socials still active? I ended up here because I was wondering what you were up to post graduation but couldn’t find you. I know you used to take pretty regular breaks from social media though so if that’s still the case then please take care of yourself first!

The only personal social that is somewhat active is my Tiktok but I rarely post and use it mainly for viewing/communicating with close friends. I don't think I'll be coming back to my personal Instagram and I'm definitely done with having a personal Twitter. It's been difficult for me to feel comfortable/safe sharing my authentic self and since graduating, comparing myself to others is an almost daily occurrence. Maybe therapy will help with the paranoia, self-loathing, and perfectionism I experience with social media and I can eventually return to Instagram or join a new site.

Post-graduation updates: I took a gap year to work/save up money while staying with my parents as well as have enough time to figure out what I want to do next and how exactly to go about that. I will be going back to school in August in pursuit of a Master of Science in Professional Counseling. If you'd like to talk a little more personally, feel free to email me!

Hi Tosin, it’s me again! I just came back to check if you’d seen my message and was very pleasantly surprised to see your response. I honestly thought this account might be dead but I decided to send it anyway. Please don’t blame yourself for our friendship not working out, I also tend to get a bit overwhelmed and can get distant. You invited me to hang with you and I really should’ve said yes because I would’ve liked to get to know you. I hope you’re doing well and your wishes mean a lot :)

Hi friend!

This account is on life support, if anything. I've been too scared and unmotivated to write/share. I also didn't have my email notifications turned on so I didn't realize I had a message until much later--I've since turned them on. I'm sure it would have been a pleasure to get to know you and maybe our paths will cross again in the future! Take care of yourself!

-Tosin

Hey Tosin, I hope you’re doing well. There was a time where we talked a lot and I wanted to be your friend because I also struggled a lot making friends in school. I guess it didn’t end up working out, but I thought of you today and was only able to find this account. If you still use this and see this message, just know that I hope you’re doing well and that I can relate to a lot of what you’ve written here. I felt isolated too but all I can hope is that things are better now.

Hello anonymous friend,

I'm not sure of who you are but I want to apologize about our friendship. I often get carried away and more recently, I've felt the need to disappear. I've been trying to work on being a better friend, I think I owe quite a few people apologies for the way I've been recently. I'm very sorry.

I was actually about to disappear from this account as well but this message is making me reconsider. It means a lot to me that you're hoping well for me and my words resonate with you. Thank you for still having kindness in your heart about me. I hope you're doing better as well. I hope that soon you'll be surrounded by genuine friendship.

-Tosin

Tosin Talks about how COVID killed my friendships

Some symptoms of COVID-19 include coughing, sore throat, fever and in many new cases, fading of friendships. This virus has affected everyone I know, even those who weren’t infected. The time during and after the pandemic has been filled with loss, isolation, and chaos.

Despite being a friendly person, I tend to have few long-lasting and strong friendships. I went from attending a very small high school where we all had to be friends to attending a large university by myself and three hours away from home. Making genuine friends was my second biggest challenge (passing chemistry II was my first). Friendships in college can either be really successful or really detrimental. Because I didn’t really have a choice, I opened myself up to any and every friendship that I was lucky enough to receive. This method of friend-making had its advantages and disadvantages. By junior year, I got tired of trying and went back to avoidance and isolation. Those are only ways I know to protect myself from potentially traumatic situations; however, quarantine brought a new, torturous kind of isolation that I had never experienced before. I’ve always had a difficult time connecting with the idea of family but the bonds I share with my friends are like that of family. This is why it feels devastating to lose a friend, even if it was for the best. This past year and a half, I feel like I’ve been mourning many friendships and that nasty virus is a significant reason for my loss.

Graduating in the middle of a pandemic meant that I didn’t really get a chance to give a proper goodbye to the few friendships that made it to senior year or an opportunity to make new friends in my final classes. I struggled with social anxiety since the start of college but a year and a half of online school made my social anxiety twice as bad and changed the way it presented itself. Before COVID, I would stay inside my apartment rather than going to class because I was too worried of people perceiving and judging me on campus. Schooling from home gave me no escape and took the comfort out of my own bedroom. Not being able to interpret my classmates' body language and facial expressions left me to assume the way they felt about me. I fully convinced myself that my classmates hated me and would cry after almost every class about it. I’ve come to accept the fact that my college experience was stolen from me by mental illness, lack of funds, and a global pandemic.

I was fortunate enough to end 2019 with closing two major childhood traumas through Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing therapy (EMDR) and getting my academic life back together after being hospitalized the previous fall. Unfortunately, 2020 started off on a sad note—I experienced another sexual/relationship trauma and my therapist resigned from their position that January. I managed to remain positive and immersed myself in my classes to maintain mental health and good grades. I drove back home for what I thought would be a week of Spring break and ended up spending Spring and Summer at my parents’ place. I didn’t see a single friend or leave my bedroom for months, I felt like I was losing my mind. School has always been my escape but all of my classes were online so even though I returned to my college town, I was trapped inside my apartment. I was still deprived of my daily dose of Vitamin D and mild social interaction since I was unable to walk on campus. I had a small amount of people that I surrounded myself with but I think the pandemic changed them into different people that were not healthy for me to be around anymore. Somehow I still felt alone around these people but clung to them because I was losing genuine friends and had no one else.

Everything and everyone was changing at an accelerated rate. I was already in a transitional period of my life—I was in my early twenties, graduating from university, attempting to heal from numerous traumas and was somehow supposed to figure out the next step of my life when a tiny virus was still affecting the entire globe. I understand why many of my friends and acquaintances went through transformations, we’re at the age for change and the changes have become dramatic due to this unexpected pandemic. Some lost hope and went into seclusion while others were frantically trying to complete their bucket lists, many of us experienced both sides. The pandemic also brought many debates and we judged each other on the ways that those around us chose to cope with the chaos. A lot of us realized that we have differing morals, priorities, and personalities than those we used to be best friends with. There were people that I would talk to almost every day and now it seems we’re on different planets. I’ve resorted to just allowing whatever happens to happen because I can no longer keep track of all the shifts.

I’ve been criticized for changing drastically but also for not accepting change. I was criticized for moving three hours away from home but judged for being upset about my college friendships ending. I’m wrong if I end friendships that I believe are no longer healthy for me, I’m wrong if I stay in them as well. I wish more people would understand that I’m coping with these grand changes the best way that I can. I’m attempting to re-adapt to living with my parents in a city that isn’t for me, I’m trying to manage the external changes that I’m obligated to face. I’m trying to accept the metamorphoses that my friends and I will undergo and accept that some of us may not be friends after our transformations. I think I’m allowed to feel sorrowful as I adapt, I shouldn’t be judged for hurting while adjusting.

I began writing this specific Tosin Talk in January 2021, a lot of good and bad has happened since that time. I don’t know how much longer the few happy milestones will outweigh the many minor inconveniences. Many friendships have slowed down or ended. I have been experiencing a wave of friendship changes for a year so it’s gotten a little easier to ride but I still wish I could sail smoothly. I knew I’d have to make new friends upon graduation but I’ve become so accustomed to isolation that I no longer know how to socialize. I especially don’t know how to make friends in a city that doesn’t appeal to my interests and living in a home that’s always made me feel trapped.

I’ll never forgive that virus for all that it took from me, I missed out on so much because of it. I’m yearning for better days, I desperately hope they’re coming and I won’t have to wait much longer.

Background music by Akitō (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uh6nwS8FGGo)

Tosin Talks about transparency

I’m not sure if this matters to any of you but I felt the need to post this anyway. I wanted to apologize for a couple things. I want to apologize for not posting consistently. I’m sorry for not being my most authentic self. I’m sorry for hiding instead of being honest. I created Tosin Talks to share about my lived experience with mental illness to educate and inspire others but became so consumed with being inspirational that I disregarded being real. It was intended to be a professional diary but I’ve been too concerned about being perfect and professional that I forgot how to be personal.

Truthfully, I haven’t felt well for months now. Since undergrad ending, moving back home, and having a tough time finding a job, I haven’t been able to receive consistent help. I thought I’d feel better in a week or two but it’s been a month or two and I’m still feeling pretty down. I’ve been doing what I can to get better but hiding it from the world. I don’t want to be the girl crying on finsta and oversharing on Twitter anymore, that behavior has gotten me in scary situations in the past and I’m getting older so I’m attempting to be more professional. Unfortunately, the only way I know how to protect myself is by isolating and avoiding. In addition, a slight privacy breach occurred sometime last year. I was reminded by several people to stop letting others know so much about my life so I’ve had a hard time expressing my true self.

I’ve become a bit scared of the world, especially the one I know through my phone and computer screens. I often hesitate to post pictures on my personal social media accounts or write my true feelings on Tosin Talks. The way I look and the words I type have to be perfect before I can even consider posting them. I used to be very open and transparent but I’m so paranoid about how that may affect my professional career or my family reading certain things and scolding me for it or simply people making fun of me. I try my best to come off as someone that has it together and is professional above all. I don’t want to be just a young person irrationally crying and complaining on the internet. I have to admit that before I’m a mental health advocate (and eventually, a mental health professional), I’m a person with mental health issues. This is me, this is something that I will experience for the rest of my life. I’m going to have lots of breakthroughs but I will also have breakdowns.

Sometimes life just sucks! I told myself that things would get better once I left home and went to college...but my college experience was a little more traumatizing than it was valuable. I convinced myself that things would get better once I graduated college...but I graduated in the middle of a pandemic, I’m having a difficult time finding a preferred job, and I’m struggling with my mental health. I thought I did everything right...why does life still suck? I always expect grand, positive changes to occur for all the grand, negative changes I experienced. Other times, life rocks! And most times, life is okay. I’m definitely better than I was four years ago, I’m sure younger Tosin thinks older Tosin is pretty cool. I guess I should cut myself some slack. I’m a 21 year old, Black, immigrant, first-gen, eldest daughter with mental illnesses and a history of trauma. It’s unrealistic to expect myself to have it all together and it’s probably impressive enough that I’ve made it this far and accomplished this much. What’s important is that I’m working to be a better person than I was before and striving to be the person I looked up to when I was younger.

I’m trying to take a step back from social media as it has created a disillusioned reality for me and I still have paranoia about my privacy. I don’t know how many people’s lives are as great as my perception makes them seem. I assume that everyone has their own struggle that feels grand to them, “sometimes life just sucks” isn’t an exclusive statement. I don’t know what will become of Tosin Talks, I’m not entirely sure how I want my content to look. I’ve considered filming videos to help convey my tone/emotions better but I’m still hesitant to share that part of myself. I haven’t learned how to be inspirational and educational while being transparent and personal on this platform. I don’t know what others would prefer I write about, I don’t know if others even care (which is completely fine).

I do know that there are others in the same boat as me and I just want them to know that they aren’t sailing alone. If you’re just trying to hold your head above the water, we’ll throw you a buoy and pull you in. We’ll get through this seastorm together.

Background music by Eric Godlow Beats (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSNJ_es1BKY)

Tosin Talks about forgiveness

I used to be really good at holding grudges, I could successfully pretend that you didn’t exist for a year if I tried hard enough. It’s no surprise that I was better at this when I was younger because of how immature that behavior was. When I say “immature”, I don’t mean it insultingly, I mean that my inability to forgive myself and others keeps me from growing. As I’m getting older, I’m learning that the person who cannot let go and keeps bearing pain is actually the hurt child that lives inside me. The young child yells, “I don’t like them, they were mean to me! They don’t get to come to my birthday party!” My inner child is obsessed with being in pain and refuses to let the hurt go. She holds onto that balloon of pain for dear life which actually takes more strength than releasing the balloon and blowing up a much nicer one. I end up spending more energy remembering to resent other people for hurting me than I do trying to heal from the hurt.

I think everyone deserves the opportunity to be forgiven. Without the opportunity to be forgiven and do better, those who have hurt us may feel like there’s no incentive to change and keep to their old ways. This starts with forgiving them within yourself, you can even stop there if it’s safer to do so. Forgiving them, especially without a good apology from them, takes a bit of empathy and perspective changing. Understand that they may not have the skills necessary to give a proper apology and that they may not have been taught/shown kinder ways to treat people which resulted in them hurting you. You have to stop holding in resentment towards them when they may not even be aware that they’ve hurt you. They may have forgotten and learned how to move on while you’re still doing the hard work of remembering for them. I’m not dismissing your pain or telling you to just get over it, I’m saying forgive them within yourself to make more room inside for healing and growing. Forgiveness doesn’t mean that you have to maintain a relationship or contact with them either, it’s accepting what happened in the past and letting the pain go.

When I feel hesitancy with forgiving others, I think about all the forgiveness that I was fortunate enough to receive. I’ve done a great deal of hurting too, sometimes I don’t even realize I’m hurting others. And somehow, many have been able to see good in me and forgive me for the pain I caused them. An important concept to understand about wanting forgiveness from others is to let them give it to you. You’re only hurting them more and decreasing any possibility of forgiveness by expecting it and not allowing it to occur on their terms. When I’m aware that I’ve hurt someone and know what I did that hurt them, I try to give them space to process that pain, feel however they need to, and heal while I work on being a better person so as to not hurt others that way. Hurting someone feels like you took power from them so it is important to give them that power back by being respectful of the time they may need to forgive you and the fact that they may choose to not forgive you.

I especially think that everyone deserves the opportunity to forgive themselves. Similar to the way that those who hurt you may not have had the knowledge to treat people differently, you may not have had that knowledge to defend yourself or act differently. If you were hurt, forgive yourself for not having the capability to avoid those situations but also give yourself credit for doing the best you could at the time. Release that pain and learn more effective ways to protect your peace. If you hurt someone else, forgive yourself for not having the skills needed to avoid causing harm to others but also give yourself credit for becoming aware of the potentially harmful ways you treat people. Release that shame and learn better ways to communicate and interact with others. Remember that you wouldn’t be here today if not for the fact that you got through those moments using those once helpful coping skills back then, learned from your experiences, and are trying to gain mastery to ensure situations like that don’t occur again.

To the little girl that lives inside me,

You don’t have to hold on to that pain anymore, you can let go of that balloon. I’m here to protect you now. You were too young to defend yourself, you were too small to handle all of that on your own. Despite how little you were (mentally, emotionally and physically), you did a fantastic job, we wouldn’t have gotten here without your brilliance and courage. Those that hurt you were selfish and immature, they also didn’t know any better and didn’t have the skills necessary to treat you differently. Don’t hold that against them and don’t hold resentment inside you, let it go. That way of coping might have worked for you then but I’m here now with tons of new skills and knowledge to defend you. It’s okay to be open, it’s okay to let people get to know you, it’s okay to forgive.

Tosin Talks about burnout, post-grad existential crises, and relearning me

As I mentioned in my last post, I recently graduated from university. Immediately after moving my tassel over during the commencement ceremony, I felt my heart start to sink—not because I was reminiscing over the amazing moments of college or I was heartbroken to leave so many friends but because I was contemplating what to do with my life now.

Even before graduation, I was applying for full-time positions to pursue upon moving back home. I was so in a rush to get a job simply to prove that I could get one and that my degree wasn’t useless. I felt pressured to impress my parents, professors, and peers. Being so accustomed to overworking, it felt wrong to not be under intense stress. I’m bad at taking breaks, I even worry that I’ll get in trouble for not working, so I jumped into a full-time job about a month after I graduated.

I didn’t last a month.

I was burned out, I was out of gas. This flesh vehicle is due for maintenance; it had some problems from the start and the warning light had been flashing for years but I ignored them so now I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere, shamefully calling for roadside assistance.

I don’t believe I’ve ever felt this lost and without structure before. I feel fortunate to have known what I wanted to do for a long time, an idea of how and when to do it, and who to ask for help. Even in my worst moments, I still had a general sense of what was going on. This time, I truly don’t know. I’m not in school anymore so I don’t have advisors/counselors to help me out. I'm a first-generation student so I don’t have my parents to guide me with the technicalities. Now it’s just me (and my little support system, of course) but I don’t know what I’m doing, how to do it and most especially, I don’t know who I’m doing it for.

I tend to live my life for others, especially my parents. I’m not entirely sure of who I am or what I enjoy anymore. I exhibit a bit of learned helplessness due to childhood experiences and other traumas. I feel like my parents, those who hurt me, and unhealthy societal beliefs put their chains on me and trapped me in a dark room. College came to the rescue and released me from those chains. My brain interpreted moving back home as being put back in that room; even without the original chains this time, I still feel trapped and too scared to leave* although I know it’s possible. I don’t know how to live for myself. I don’t truly know who I am, I’ve always been whoever you wanted me to be.

Unfortunately, I’ve internalized various messages that tell me that I’m not making the right decisions and I shouldn’t pursue that. The negative voices in my head tell me that nobody will ever be proud of me and I’ll never amount to anything worthy with those dreams. To earn their validation and the temporary gratification that comes with it, I do what they want. The worst part is when I still feel like I’m not enough. I’m an overachiever, I have been since I was really young; I worked extra hard to please my parents, authority figures and peers and I achieved my goals while experiencing and recovering from some really awful things. But I still feel like I’ve failed everyone and I’m not doing enough.

I’ve been told that someone will always have a problem with my decisions, I might as well do what I want. Being told to just do what I want or to do what makes me happy doesn’t process well in my head because I don’t know how and I’m convinced that I can’t. I often even feel bad asking for things I need because I’m afraid of the reaction I could receive. It’s a lot easier for me to say that I don’t want anything than wanting something that I can’t have. It’s a lot easier for others if I say that I’m doing what they asked because I want to so that when I fail, I only have myself to blame and punish. Sometimes, I feel I can trust myself because I’m under the impression that I make bad decisions. I desperately need to hear from other people that I’m doing the right thing, I need to be told what path to take. I need to be told to live for other people because I don’t think I’d live for myself. I need to be told who I am because I don’t know who that is.

I want to take the time to get to know myself, work with my neglected inner child, and learn what I really want from life and how to achieve that. Ideally, I’d like to take a break, an actual one. I’d like to receive a position in something related to early childhood/youth development and care while volunteering or interning at a mental health organization. I would love to seriously pursue Tosin Talks and even write a book or two. In the next year, I would like to attend graduate school to study counseling and eventually earn my counseling license. I want to make new friends, make new memories with old friends and reconnect with even older friends. I’m open to learning new things and picking up new hobbies. It’s evident that I know what I want and even have a basic idea of a plan—I don’t think I’ve lost my diligence and determination either, I’m just tired and need to recharge.

Despite this current issue I’m facing, I’m not worried or hopeless. I’m experiencing something that most people experience during early adulthood (although some won’t admit it and social media often gives inaccurate portrayals). I know things will get better, I know I’ll leave this dark room again, I know I’ll release myself from these chains again. I’ve made decisions for myself in the past which had positive results. For example, when I changed my major for myself, I started attending classes again and my grades began improving. Or when I started receiving therapy and finally healing. I just need to be patient and gentle with myself, I need to learn who I am and how to make more “me choices”. I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me but I’ll enjoy it because I actually want to do it.

I appreciate the support that you all have given me over the years; many of you have witnessed my darkest moments and now you’re witnessing my metamorphosis. I’m grateful to those of you who have been so kind to me even when I think I don’t deserve it. I wish you luck in whatever stage of human metamorphosis that you are in. Do not forget that we are ever-changing, you won’t feel this way forever. If you are stuck right now, you will be free eventually. If you don’t know at this moment, you will learn over time and know when the time is right. I hope the changes you undergo are for you and for the better.

*: metaphorically, not literally