yk what’s funny . I just realized that the ONLY time I’ve let fiction ever truly affect MY reality…

was with my friends’ goddamn villain oc.

fluff for 4

4. Please, I know exactly what I'm doing.

based on true, traumatic events (content warning: spiders)

feel free to request: prompt list

not funny - prompt 4

You’re not a very fearful person. Snakes you can deal with, wasps and bees are no problem, fire and thunderstorms never bothered you much. As a child, you prided yourself on not having a fear of the dark. There was never the need for a night light by your bed. Your only weakness – the only thing that you were truly scared of – is spiders. I mean, why? Why do they have to look like that? Why do they always seemingly run towards you, instead of away? Why are they so fast and why are they always, always were you never want them to be?

Considering you are so flippant about other phobic things; you’d expect your fear of spiders to be mediocre and casual. Maybe a little shriek before attacking it at a safe distance with a broom. But no. Your phobia was debilitating. One time you found a spider in your bedroom, chilling in the corner of the room, and you slept on the sofa for a week. The only reason why you returned to your bed is because your mom demanded it.

When you wake up randomly in the night, there’s an arm weighting you down on your stomach. Grunting, blinking awake, you wonder why your body felt the need to bring you around. Then you tune into the fact that you need to pee. Sighing, you wriggle out of JJ’s hold. He sleepily mumbles something in his sleep, into the pillow, and you can’t help but smile. He’s weirdly cute when he’s asleep; lying on his front, face mushed against the cotton of the sheets.

The chateau is familiar enough to you that you don’t flick on any lights as you make your way to the bathroom. It must be nearing sunrise, as there’s that pre-sun glow starting to brighten the sky, illuminating your path somewhat as it inches through the windows that nobody ever bothers to pull the blinds on.

When you make it into the bathroom, however, you do flick on the light. Squint against it as you close the door, groaning.

“Stupid fucking bladder,” you grumble. Roll your eyes as you pull the seat down (“stupid fucking men”).

All is going as well as a late-night toilet break can go until you move to grab at the toilet roll to wipe. A burly, black, beady-eyed bastard is staring you down. Then it’s like he feels the need to perform. Runs around the loo roll several times – around and around – and you feel your stomach drop straight into the porcelain bowel. Shrieking, you shoot up, yanking up your pyjama shorts and darting away from the spider.

Wide awake, you hyperventilate as you stare at him, unable to remove your gaze. He seems to take it as a challenge. Starts climbing up the walls. Starts wandering towards you.

“JJ!” you scream. You don’t care how hysterical you sound. All you can think about is the fact that you’re essentially trapped into this tiny bathroom with a huge, fuck-off, borderline Australian spider who looks like they could speak to you in English. “JJ!”

JJ calls out your name. The door flies open and you screech again. “Jesus Christ! What is it? Are you okay?”

His eyes are wide and frantic as he scans you up and down, as if searching for an injury. There’s still a sag to his face that comes from freshly rising. A part of you longs to feel guilty, but there’s bigger fish to fry and way bigger spiders to kill.

You point a shaking finger at the wall.

“What?” JJ panics, following it, glancing around.

“The spider! Look at the fucking size of it,” you say.

JJ stares at the spider. His heaving chest begins to slow as he processes what’s going on.

“Did you seriously wake me up to deal with a fucking spider?”

“It’s huge!”

“It’s harmless!” he replies loudly, gesturing to it. It darts further up the wall and you hold back a screech. He rakes a hand through his bed head. “Jesus Christ.”

“Can you get it?”

“Seriously?”

“Yes! I can’t sleep knowing it’s here.”

“We’re on the pullout! That’s like three rooms away!”

“I can’t sleep knowing it’s here!” you loudly reply.

The others are probably awake now too but honestly, thank God. They should evacuate with that fucker in the house. You glare at it, as if daring it to move again.

JJ seems to be on the spider’s side, as he glares down at you, too. He mumbles cusses under his breath, complains about being dragged out of bed, as he ducks down to dig through the bathroom cupboard under the sink. Tosses things around as he searches for a cup, coming out short.

The spider seems to be in a hurry to get somewhere as it crawls along the wall, nearer to the toilet, close to the ceiling.

“JJ!”

Sighing, he gets back to his feet and glances around. Slams the toilet lid closed and stands atop of it with a grunt.

“What—”

“Please, I know exactly what I’m doing,” he says dismissively down to you.

Then turning to the wall, he begins to raise his hands. Oh no.

“Come on, little fella,” he mutters, reaching his bare fucking hands out to the spider.

You feel like throwing up.

Somehow, by some miracle, JJ clasps it in his hold. You shriek as you dart out the way, pressing yourself tightly against the wall outside the bathroom, as JJ carries the spider out the room and down the hall. He’s still talking to the bastard. You collapse against the wall with a sigh, closing your eyes. Too much adrenaline, too early in the day.

“Don’t you wanna say goodbye?”

You yelp out, eyes shooting open, to find a shit-eating grin on JJ’s face. His clasped hands are held out in front of you. You feel your lip tremble as you try and push back against the wall, aiming to put as much distance between yourself and the spider as possible.

JJ’s sniggering now as he holds his hands out nearer to your face. “Come on! Kiss him goodnight at least!”

“Stop it!” you blubber.

His humour immediately dies the moment you start to cry. “Hey! Woah, woah, it’s just a joke, alright? There’s nothing in here. Hey!”

He drops the act, not even making a show of opening his hands, instead pulling you into his chest and stroking your back reassuringly.

“M’sorry. Thought it’d be a funny joke,” JJ says meekly into your hair.

You reluctantly hug him back. “I’m not putting out for a week because of that.”

“A week? Come on, baby! It was a dumb joke!”

“Fine,” you sigh. That is a bit dramatic. “A day.”

SUPERBOARD

Chapter 3: N/S

Pairing: Hyunjin x Reader

Word Count: 5.7k

General Synopsis: S_Class started off as a street racing team, built between friends but as the adrenaline rush died down, racing wasn’t enough. N/S was formed. What started off with petty crimes, quickly spiraled into a string of organized crime. 

Warnings: Mentions of sex PALACE. Mentions of violence, weapons, drugs, growing weed,

Added: If you would like to tour the N/S House please click here: Bedrooms Personal Rooms Common Spaces

A/N: Holy shit this one took a lot out of us...

Disclaimer: This is a fanfiction, this does not represent the idols mentioned in any way.

please DO NOT rewrite, translate, or repost this fic. Thank you.

PREVIOUS MASTERLIST NEXT

You didn’t sleep that night, your brain was too busy pestering you about the idea of needing to choose between Limitless, and S_Class. Your mind twisted with Felix’s words of warning. How would choosing a crew be a lifetime commitment? Who was Domino? Why was ‘Jinnie’ offered up? In what way was ‘Jinnie’ offered to you? Why did Jake let you spend the entire time with the S_Class crew? Was he sick of you? Was his plan to pawn you off to them? What would he gain from letting you lean towards S_Class? What would he gain if you joined Limitless? The more you learned about each group the more you wondered if these were just racing teams, or if you’d actually been brought into some weird type of cult. 

Why could questions only be answered by the respective groups? What the fuck and why the fuck are they so secretive? What about the weapons? Fighting? And seriously who the fuck was Domino, and why did Phobia look so pained to even hear the name? What had Phobia done for them to bring something clearly painful to him up? 

All the questions you had, would either go unanswered or you could find out. IF you joined S_Class. Limitless showed no real interest in you. Felix was right, they had handed you off from the get go. Sure Oddinary and NoEasy were both clear ring leaders with power over both groups you couldn’t even begin to comprehend, but if what Felix said was true, if Limitless wanted you, they’d have fought them and made one of their own members show you around. 

You were exhausted. Tossing and turning all night, from everything. The more you thought on it, the more questions you had. You wanted to know what was going on with S_Class, you wanted to know why Phobia looked so distressed. You wanted to know why you even cared about his stupid fucking emotions, when he had treated you like nothing more than a piece of gum stuck to the bottom of his shoe, that he was trying desperately to get off him. 

As you walked through the halls of your university, you couldn’t help but almost want to avoid both Jake and Felix, and whoever the fuck Yeosang was. 

“No name!” a black haired boy dressed in a pair of baggy black pants, a white tee and an oversized leather jacket comes jogging up to you, waving at you. You recognize him from the race yesterday, he was glued to NoEasy. AH! Double Knot. 

“Uh…”

“Jeongin,” he says, and quickly notices the confusion on your face.

“Hi?” 

“Oh uh, sorry. You might know me as-”

“No, no I know who you are, I just didn’t expect you to be here.” You feel an arm drape over your shoulder from behind you and you turn quickly to see Felix smiling at you and the boy standing in front of you. 

“Nah, Innie here is just a baby, he’s still gotta attend classes you know Princess?” Felix teases in a sing-song tone. “Just because he’s dicking down one of the leaders, doesn’t mean she gives him a free pass on skipping classes,” 

“You’re just mad I landed on one of the sisters and you didn’t.” Jeongin puffs out his chest, obviously proud of the girl he gets to call his, a smug smile pursed on his lips.  

“Interesting way to describe my sister.” Oddinary huffs as she walks past, with Maniac in tow. 

“Shut it Kierra, you know it's true!” Felix laughs. 

“Remember your place Felix.” Maniac seethes at Felix. 

“Ooh big scary Minho, is threatening me in school! Common man, go back to quietly simping for your girl.” Felix teases, making kissy faces at Maniac, no, Minho. Dear god this is gonna get confusing.

“I'm not a simp?” Minho says and rolls his eyes at Felix’s childish antics. 

“You took an extra year to make sure she’d be safe. That's simping.” Jeongin adds.

“That's loyalty.” Oddindary, nope, Kierra says brushing Felix off your shoulder. “You pick a side yet No Name?” 

“That’s my job?” Felix huffs, as you see Jake running up to the group of people that circled around you.

“Jakey boy, here to find out the answer?” Felix teases, pushing and poking at Jake’s arms. 

“Partially that, partially to figure out where Seungmin is, dude was supposed to meet me like ten minutes ago.” 

They’re all watching you, waiting for some sort of answer. Earlier you had thought you came to the conclusion that you knew exactly where you’d land and pick neither group. But now, with them all in front of you. You were once again conflicted. Jake had come alone, once again. Meanwhile S_Class had presented themselves in front of you. Each waiting eagerly for your response. 

“I-” you look between Jake and the S_Class crew, eyes landing on Felix. “I think I’m a bit more comfortable with you guys…”

“You made the right choice No Name.” Kierra said, patting your head gently.

“I’ll tell Akira.” Jeongin said, fishing his phone out of his pocket.

“Today you ride with me, and Hyunnie.” Kierra says. “We have a lot of work to be done before you're brought into the crew fully, Hyunnie will be your guide for that part. While Akira and I find you a spot, you good to leave your car here overnight or?” 

“I don’t have one-” you say a little shyly and the people surrounding you all gasp. It does seem a little silly to join a racing team and not have a car…

“I can work with this.” Kierra nods slowly. “Surely I got something around. Maybe Bin can whip something together for you. Can you at least drive?” You nod your head. “Wonderful, meet me at the back end of the school at one. Don’t worry about whatever classes you have.” 

~𝄋~

You look at the clock displayed on your phone, the time read twelve fifty-eight. You were early. Something inside you told you, you didn’t want to push Kierra’s buttons when you’d be riding with her. You look up and see Phobia walking towards you. God he’s even more beautiful in the day time, the sun kissing his tan skin making it look like he’s fucking glowing. 

“No name,” he says coldly as he stands next to you. 

“Phobia.” you say shyly to greet him back.

“Call me Hyunjin here. It’s fine.” You’re playing with your fingers again, super uncomfortable with his cold disposition. “I see you dropped the Limitless losers.” 

“Felix made a compelling argument last night.” 

“With his dick?” You turn to him quickly and look at him in shock. What the fuck did he think you were? Did he think it was that you were that easy?

“Absolutely not?!” 

“He didn’t fuck you? Progress buddy, fucking progress!” Hyunjin laughs, but there was still a bit of seriousness to his praise to his friend. 

“So, where's Kierra?” you ask, shaking off the weird vibes that surrounded you both from his previous questioning.

“Getting her ‘child’ she should be here in a second. You’ll hear that monster of a practice car in a moment.” He emphasizes the word child on purpose. You just rolled your eyes at his comment and chose to ignore it. 

You hear the car before you see it. Kierra pulls up in a red Subaru wrx, her speakers blaring music as she smiles out the window at you and Hyunjin. You both wordlessly get in the car. You didn’t really ask where you were going, as the rules stated, “any information deemed worthy will be given”. Here we fuckin go I guess. 

~𝄋~

The drive was fairly long, for someone who was speeding down the highway at speeds that would kill you on impact if you were to somehow crash. Music blaring through the speakers, the bass reverberating through the car. Sending wave after wave of sound, physically through your chest. No one spoke the entirety of the way. Even with her speeding, the ride was roughly two hours long. By the time anyone said anything, you were headed into a forested area. You had no clue where you were. Your surroundings all looked the same. There was barely anything around, the only things that surrounded the lone road were tall trees and deep dark woods. There was no one else on the road. No cars for miles. The car stops, and both Oddinary Kierra, and Phobia Hyunjin turn to face you. 

“This is your last chance to back out. Before I give you any information I need you to think very carefully,” Kierra looks at you seriously through the rearview mirror. “This is a lifetime commitment, this is much more than just a racing crew. You can back out now, all you want; but if you choose to continue in, there's no backing out.” 

“Not if you value your life that is…” Hyunjin whispers, 

“My- what? My life?” 

“Think about it, no name. Think about it deeply.” They both turn to look at you seriously. Kierra’s seriousness was a little unnerving. 

What have you gotten yourself into? There was no information to make this decision, when you had originally made it you thought this would simply just be some team. A sports team of sorts. Now they’re saying your life would depend on your decision? Somehow this isn’t what's holding you back from wanting to continue on with them. Life has been pretty boring, stressful, and lately just not worth.. Continuing. Every move, every new school, every friend group made and lost, your family who cared about no one other than themselves. All of it added up, into what you were before moving to Seoul, to what you knew you would become the second you could escape them. “Can I have one question?” 

“You just asked one.” Hyunjin quips back at you. His tone is serious. He obviously doesn't trust you at all or like you very much. 

“Shoot.” Kierra rolls her eyes at Hyunjin, slapping his shoulder. 

“I have a shit family-” you start, “They move me around often. They don’t think of anyone but themselves. If this is a lifetime commitment, what happens if they decide to pick up and leave again?” Hyunjin looks at Kierra, he tightens his brows together and shakes his head slightly as if to say ‘no’. Kierra just looks back with a slight pout to her lips and nods affirmatively.

“Now let me answer that with a question,” Kierra asks. “Do you want to leave? If you had the option to stay, ignoring the money, and where you’d live. Would you? If you had a-” she pauses, picking her words carefully, “if you had a makeshift family, who would support you, financially, mentally, physically. Would you stay?” 

“I would.”

“Then you wouldn’t be moving.” Kierra says matter-of-factly. “If you choose to continue, you’d have all of that and more.” 

You think over her words. What have you really got to lose if you continue? The family who doesn't care about you? Kierra is offering you that family. They’re offering you so much more than you could get at home. “Then I’ll go on.” Kierra nods, as she slowly pulls the car forwards onto a gravel path. The forest thickens around you, until you reach a large clearing with a modern mansion in front of you. The house is massive from the outside, windows surrounding the front of the house, a large staircase leading to the front door, with an entrance to a garage right next to it. The house looks like it goes on forever. Kierra pulls in slowly to the driveway, from the outside; you don’t see how the driveway leading into the garage actually slopes downwards. She continues in slowly, the fluorescent lights all turning on as the motion from the car triggers their sensors. As the dark garage brightens you notice you’ve entered what looks like to be a garage the size of one that you’d typically find in apartment complexes. Who the fuck has a garage this big? You see the line of cars all parked in designated spots labeled with each person's name carefully written into a metal plate placed on the wall. 

Kierra pulls into the spot that is marked with her name. Each of you getting out of the car. 

“Hyunnie,” Kierra calls,

“Ki.” Hyunjin turns back to her.

“Be a doll?” 

“Yes ma’am.” Hyunjin says and he turns to you and says “I’ll be back,” before he heads out of the garage. 

“So, no name. What’s your name?” Kierra asks as she leads you towards the stairs. You walk past another garage, much smaller, but had a shit ton of equipment in it, music blasting throughout the room. She walks with you up the stairs and into a huge living room with black couches and windows that reach the tall ceilings. You both continue to walk into the living room and you can see the kitchen a bit further away. 

“Y/N.” you say as you look around the place in absolute awe. 

“Well, Y/N. Welcome to N/S base.” She motions her hand towards the couch, wordlessly telling you to sit on the black clothed couch. “This is where we work, plan, play, and live. Everything is done here.” Kierra says fondly as she looks around the room. You notice a large table behind her couch, with enough seating for 18 people. You see a staircase that leads to a loft above the living room. The house was all greyscale, blacks, grays, whites, and wood tones decorated most of the house that you have seen so far. Kierra turns to you a little more seriously. “This is our safe space, where we can do what we want when we want. Without the world telling us we’re wrong.” 

“This is our haven.” NoEasy says as she walks up with Hyunjin in tow. “And now yours as well.”

“Mine?” you ask confused, looking between the two girls and Hyunjin. 

Kierra hums and nods her head, “Jinnie will show you around while Akira and I work out the specifics. You’ll meet with Hanji later. I find it’s best to learn on the job.” Kierra smiles smugly as she winks at her sister. Hyunjin stiffens next to NoEasy Akira. 

“Ki-” Hyunjin stops Kierra before she continues. “Ki, are you sure sending her out with Ji is a good idea?” Kierra looks at him and gives him a look. 

“For now. You need to understand what you’ve been brought into.” Akira cuts him off before he says anything else. You are fully confused now. “I’m sure Hyune has mentioned, not to ask questions. Well now is your time to defy him, ask away.” You have just been given a gift. Any question you want. What the fuck do you ask first?? 

“I thought your team name was S_Class. What is N/S?” You ask carefully. 

“S_Class is our team name.” Hyunjin answers quickly. “N/S is the organization that owns S_Class. Next Question.” 

You're starting to piece things together - large house, many cars, code names, ‘Without the world telling us we’re wrong’, secrecy, your life depending on your decisions. Ahh, you got it. “What sort of business owns an illegal street racing team?” 

“An illegal business?” Hyunjin says snarkily, folding his arms across his chest.

“Jinnie,” Kierra scolds..

“Ki, babe seriously what kind of question is that? Did you really expect me not to say something back?” Hyunjin whines. You see Minho jump over the back of the couch and pull Kierra into his side. 

“Watch your tone, Hyunjin.” Minho threatens. 

“Yeah, whatever. Next question.” Hyunjin waves him off, looking back at you to continue. 

“If N/S is the organization that owns you all-” 

“Let me stop you there, N/S owns the team love.” Minho stops you before you have the chance to finish your sentence. “The ones who own us all, are sitting in front of you.” He points his finger between Kierra and Akira. A look of shock crosses your face. How in the fuck do these two women own all of these dudes? Were they slaves? Sex Slaves? Why are you here?

“So you’re a gang.” You say carefully. 

“Bingo baby,” Minho snaps his fingers and leans back to Kierra, gripping her thigh between his hand. 

“I see,” you nod in understanding. “So, why am I here?” 

“Jinnie.” Kierra calls. “Be a doll?” 

“Yes ma’am.” Hyunjin says and leaves the room again. You notice that whenever Kierra calls him ‘doll’ he goes off without a single word further of what he has to do. Like it's ingrained in him somehow. But without missing a beat, Akira continues for her sister. 

“To put it simply, we recently lost a member.” Akira says calmly. “Replacing a member takes time. Now I didn’t expect 7PM to just go and drop a replacement in our lap like that, but all is fair on S_Class territory. They lost their chance, not that you’d fare well with them anyways.” 

“That brat The8 would’ve eaten her alive,” Minho seethes through his teeth.

“My love?” Kierra says in a sing-song voice. 

“Yes, kitten?” Minho responds back immediately.

“Why don’t you go play with Innie, I’m sure he has a broken down new toy, waiting to be fixed. I heard it runs quite fast.” Kierra says and looks to her sister. Minho smirks at her and kisses her temple before getting up and leaving the room. 

“I love those kinds of toys,” Minho chuckles, rubbing his hands together. You look at him in confusion. What the fuck are they talking about. 

“Make sure Innie doesn’t go too hard after it, please? I’d like to actually see it today.” Akira chimes in before he can leave. 

“And Minho?” Kierra calls out, Minho turning around to look at her. “We don’t want a parrot.” Minho nods, the smile on his face is devious, scary. He looks excited to play with this toy. Minho leaves the room and the girls turn back to you. 

“So before I send you off with Hyune, we’re gonna have to get some rules straight okay?” Akira says and waits for your undivided attention. “Rule number one, everyone has a job. Respect it. Unless asked to help, stay out of their way.” You nod and her sister continues. 

“Rule number two. Nothing that happens within this group ever, EVER, leaves the group.” Kierra says, nodding to herself. 

“Rule three, ALWAYS make sure to present yourself as irreplaceable. Everyone is replaceable, make sure we don’t ever want to cut you lose.” Akira rattles off. You notice that the two of them are bouncing back and forth throughout this whole ordeal, as if it is well rehearsed, something that is shared between the two of them, two equals. 

“Rule four, do not EVER speak of past members, they’re gone for a reason. Hopefully, you’ll never have to witness someone leaving.” Kierra says the last part a little sadly. You take a mental note to ask about that next time you have permission to ask questions. 

“Rule five,” Hyunjin returns to the living room between Akira’s words. “Do not EVER, mention the name N/S or 7PM to ANYONE outside the organizations.” Kierra looks at Hyunjin and nods to him. 

Hyunjin walks up to you and motions his head for you to follow him, “lets go No Name.” He leads you to the top of the grand staircase, up to the top floor. “Kierra and Akira designed this house to have everything we need.” Once you reach the top of the staircase, Hyunjin motions his hand down the hallway for you to continue further. “This is the top floor. Kierra and Akira live up here. To the right, is Kierra’s room.” He opens the door to a black bedroom, bed facing the windows with a black bedspread, black pillows and black blanket draped across it. The walls are painted gray with black accent pieces, minimal lighting. The large windows have sheer gray curtains hanging in front of them. You’re led further into her room and enter her bathroom, her closet attached at the end. The bathroom is a stark contrast to the bedroom. The walls, floor, and countertops are covered in a bright white tile, the same gray curtains hanging around the windows in front of the white bathtub (which could definitely fit 3 people easily). At the end of the bathroom was her closet, which matched the bedroom. Black walls, black cabinets and smaller wardrobes lined the whole room. You took note that there were mens and womens clothing in her closet. Did Minho share the room with her? “She’s got what she needs here, closet, bathroom, whatever. Never come up here if you’re not called to. You will most likely never need to come into her room, but you might be called up in general because across the hallway is her office. Kierra handles- The” Hyunjin pauses as he leads you out of her room and across the hall to her office. “Physical plans.” He opens the door and you’re brought into a very plain looking office. Wood fixtures decorated the room, a lone desk sat at the end of the room. 

“To the Left is Akira. Her room, she's got everything she needs, closet, bathroom. You get it.” He leads you into Akira’s room which you notice is the complete opposite of her sisters. Her bed is decorated with a white bedspread, white pillows, and a gray blanket. Her walls are lined with mirrors to brighten the room when the light hits it. Her bathroom was the opposite of Kierra’s as well, black and gray tiling lined the room and dark wood cabinetry finished it off. Her closet, also at the end of her bathroom, was again opposite of Kierras. White tiling on the floor, white shelving, and bright light fixtures. You also noticed that there were mens clothing in Akira’s closet too. “Across the hall, is her office. Akira handles more of the logistics.” He leads you out of Akira’s room and across the hall to a large office, black flooring, black walls, black furniture, a large black desk with computer monitors and paperwork filed neatly across it. There was plenty of seating in her office as well. You assume this is where they hold some of their important meetings.

“So, the brains and the brawn?” You ask carefully.

“They’re both the brain and the brawn, but they know how to play to their strengths. Plus, not like Ki will ever let Akira get into a fight without her. Nor will Akira let Ki go into a business deal without her. Together or nothing. Is this their favorite saying.” He says proudly. You take note that he calls Kierra by Ki when he drops his bad boy facade in front of you. What’s up with them? You wonder. 

“Next floor.” He announces as he leads you to the next level down. “Three bedrooms down here, Chan, Jisung, and Changbin.” He walks all the way down the hallway and to the right. “Chan’s room.” He opens the door to a pretty minimalist looking room. The walls are lined with a glossy gray tile, soft lighting scattered throughout the room, a bed centered on the back wall. His bathroom was lined with a darker gray tile, with the same warm lighting, as was his closet. The closet was decorated with dark wood cabinetry and glass doors. Hyunjin leads you out of Chan’s room and across the hall. “Changbin.” You’re starting to recognize a theme. All the rooms in the house that you’ve seen are either black, gray, or white. There was no in between. This room was no different. The walls were lined with half white marble tile at the bottom and accented wood paneling at the top half. The bed is situated adjacent to the windows, his bathroom a mix of gray and white tiling, and his closet a warm charcoal. Hyunjin leads you out of this room and further back towards the stairs to another room. He leads you into the gray room, the bed fixed in the middle of the room, his bathroom a mix of black, white and marble tile, and his closet lined with dark black cabinetry. He takes you from Jisung’s room and across the hall. “Jisung, and this is a personal room. It belongs to Chan. Do not go in unless invited.” He quickly opens the door and you can see what looks like a recording studio. You can’t see much inside before Hyunjin closes the door in your face quickly. 

“A lot of rooms huh-” 

“Eighteen full rooms, eleven bathrooms, six common spaces, and a greenhouse. In the backyard, passing the pool.” Hyunjin says incredibly casually. As if it was completely normal to have a house of this size. Even though, now that you’re thinking about it, the house didn’t look that big on the outside. Maybe 3 floors tops. Where are the rest of the rooms he’s talking about? He’s leading you back downstairs to the living room where you left the two girls. They’re no longer there. “Ground floor.” Hyunjin says as he continues walking through the living room and past the kitchen towards a hallway with 4 doors. “This section has two rooms, two personal rooms. On the left is Seungmin.” His room has to have the most personality you’ve seen, the walls covered in half gray bricking and half bookcase. His bed is situated against the windows. His bathroom and closet are a bland gray. “And next to his room is his personal room.” He leads you next door to a room decked out in computers, random equipment that you wouldn't even be able to name if you tried. “Across from him, Felix.” You take back what you thought before. This room has more color and personality than Seungmin’s. His room was painted gray, but was decorated in red lighting, lining the ceiling. And a large mirror sat behind his bed. His bathroom and closet were also decorated with the same red lighting in contrast to the gray walls and floors. “Trust me when I say, you don’t even want to walk into Felix’s personal room, especially if you’re invited into it.” 

“Why-” you ask confusedly as Hyunjin escorts you to the room next to Felix’s. He rolls his eyes and flings the door open. 

“O-oh, oh my god.” The best way for you to describe this room was a sex dungeon. Fixtures that you have never seen before were placed throughout the room, bright red lighting, similar to what was in his bedroom, lined the entire room. 

“Now you know what you’re in for, if you’re ever invited in there” Hyunjin laughs watching your shocked expression. He trudges along, back past the living room and kitchen again and down another hallway. “My room.” His room was probably the coziest one you saw today. His walls a warm cream, a wood accent wall decorated behind his bed, and a fireplace? His bathroom was a mix of black and wood features, and his closet stark gray and black. He leads you across the hall to another door. “And my personal space. If you ever come in here without permission, I’ll kill you.” Hyunjin quickly opens the door to his space, a brightly lit room, canvases, paints, and sketches pinned to the walls. An explosion of color from the rest of the house. Two of the walls of his room are lined with windows, looking out to the pool and the greenhouse. You looked around the room in awe. How could someone so cold have the brightest, most colorful room in the whole house? He quickly ushers you out of his studio and across the hall again, stopping at the door, his hand on the handle. “Lastly, this will be-” he can’t seem to come to the right words, pausing his movements. “It will be your room.” Hyunjin says, basically wincing as he says the words. “Go at it. Walk in, familiarize yourself with it.” 

You walk into the room to a pretty bland room. Two walls covered in a white tile, one covered in black tile, and the last wall a line of windows. The bed is plain cream and white. “It’s uh-” You walk further into the room, the bathroom has nice white marble flooring white gold accents throughout, the walls a gray tile with white accents throughout. You walk into the closet last. The room is completely white, with gold accents on the drawers, bright lighting lining the cabinetry, and a squishy carpet draped across the floor.

“You can decorate it how you want.” Hyunjin shifts from foot to foot as you walk through the closet. “But please- try to-” 

“Jinnie built that closet, custom.” Kierra sighs from the doorway. “So please take care of this entire room, or he will never forgive you for it.” 

“Oh- okay,” You say slightly confused as to why Hyunjin is being so weird about this room in particular. “Umm, so about this being my room…” 

“You can start to move in whenever, bring whatever you want from home.” Kierra says to you, elbowing Hyunjin to snap out of his weird fog.

“How will I even explain this to my parents?” 

“Leave that to Aki, and I.” Kierra continues to poke and prod at Hyunjin who is trying his best to ignore her and whisper to her ‘not now i'm working’. Seriously, what the hell is up with their weird dynamic? 

“Anyhow, I need to run to meet with Min, so I’ll be back by the time you’re set to head off with Hanji,” Kierra starts to head toward the door before turning around quickly. “And Jinnie?” 

“Yes ma’am?”

“Do me a favor?” He nods to affirm to her he’s listening. “Lighten up sweetheart, stress doesn’t suit you my love.” Kierra smiles wide and leaves the room. Did she just call him ‘my love’??? Isn’t she dating Minho??? 

“Ignore her,” Hyunjin rolls his eyes. “You can explore your personal room after, you still need to see the rest of the house.” 

“The rest? There’s literally no way anything else can fit itself in here.” Hyunjin smirks at you and leads you towards the stairs you came up from the garage earlier. “Oh,” he turns to the left towards the kitchen, between the kitchen and the staircase is yet another door. “This is the library, could also be considered our designated quiet room. It’s soundproof. Nice place.”  You peak your head in through the door and see every wall lined with bookcases, every space of the shelving filled with books. You can see a small seating area that is down a small set of stairs inside the library. He leads you back to the stairs and leads you down towards the garage, stopping at the door you saw earlier. 

“Changbins personal room, this is the one room you’ll find yourself in more often than most.” The room was covered in tools, tires, basically anything that had to do with fixing up cars. There wasn’t anyone in there anymore. He leads you out of the room and down the steps. You’re back in the garage. He walks across the garage to another set of doors. “These two rooms both belong to Minho and Jeongin.” He opens the door to a dance studio, wood flooring, and wall covered in mirrors. “Though, I admit I come here too sometimes.” He walks to the next room. “Unfortunately I can’t let you actually walk in here, but this is their other room.” He opens the door and the walls are lined with guns, a huge wood table centered in the room with black office chairs surrounding it. WHO THE FUCK OWNS THIS MANY GUNS? “Down the hall you’ll find two doors. To the left, you go upstairs exiting near the green house. To the right, you'll find another basement.” You walk down the other set of stairs. This house was a maze, how in the fuck were you supposed to remember where everything was. You entered a huge training room with a boxing ring at the center. 

“Training room. Behind those glass doors is the gym. Gym is for personal time, training area is for group activities, or if you’re training with someone else. As long as you’re never alone.” You head back up the stairs and out to the backyard. “That is Jisungs personal space.” He points to a huge glass greenhouse covered in vines. 

“He’s a florist?” 

“Of sorts.” Hyunjin laughs, and you both walk in and are immediately hit with the scent of weed. 

“I see,” you say as you shake your head. Hyunjin chuckles and walks you back inside to the living room. 

“And that’s that. Any questions?” 

“How-” 

“Rich kid perks I guess,” Hyunjin shrugs. 

“How do two people so well off end up becoming gang leaders?” You mumble. “If I had that life I’d-” 

“Best not to ask questions about their past. Or anyone’s past here. We’re all here for a reason Little Star, try not to act like you shine brighter than the rest of us.” You can tell that he’s basically saying ‘youre no better than us.’ “Last thing kid,” he sighs. “There's one other rule you need to know, it will be your golden rule.” You nod your head, waiting on his words. “Everything goes through Kierra and Akira. Every, single, little, thing. Need a bathroom break? Make sure they approve. You want to even breathe in their presence? Make sure they fucking approve. Don’t even blink if they don’t say you can.” 

“W-what- Surely it’s not that extreme…” 

“One thing those two value more than loyalty, is organization, and no one. I repeat, no one is better at it than them. Therefore everything must go through them. Tell me you understand this- please Y/N…” He’s never said please to you before. It’s almost a little concerning how desperate he is for you to understand his “golden rule”, but he looks pretty stressed about making sure you fully understand it. You nod your head and you can see him relax his shoulders slightly. Why is this stressing him out so much?

Tags @chanlixiiee @channiesbub @jaebaebaegot7 @maeleelee @iadorethemskz @maenijw @hangin-out-with-the-street-rats @elizalabs3 @jinniespuppy @painstakingly-juno @lethallyprotected @multeciahucho @@jisungsbff01

Your name is Cecili Kirska.

You’re 12 sweeps old, an indigo and a rather unassuming troll in a maid’s outfit, which just happens to be a hallmark of your cleaning business. You run the company alone and are happy in the knowledge you’re one of the best on Alternia. You don’t have a living client who said that, she actually said it before flirting with you and ended up having an accident. If you’re honest there are a lot of accidents where you’re involved. It’s not like you needed to go back after that, their hives falling into disrepair after you’ve cleaned the rather gruesome scene up. You can’t say you missed out on loyal customers, you obviously robbed them blind once their bodies hit the floor.

Obviously there’s a degree of trauma on your side. Being a violet blood’s trophy matesprit took a heavy toll on you, you were forced into shit you’d rather forget but the memories haunt you whenever you have a spare moment. As such you still beat yourself up in any and every situation. Your nickname for yourself is disappointment and you think it suits you best. At one point you had hopes of being involved in show business but before you could you ended up in a few fights, leading to heavy scarring which you refuse to talk about. Your standards for friends are very low as a subset of everything you’ve endured. You don’t care what kind of freak wants to talk to you, you wear your heart on your sleeve despite trying to keep it under wraps. You’ve been left by countless partners and friends – you often feel like this should make you colder to rejection but instead you find the absence harder and harder as every loss carried on.

You used to have grand dreams involving following your ancestor’s role in media however after finding out more about her and living life for yourself you find her disgusting. In a world of no screamed at you for daring to dream you find yourself jaded. You’re good at cleaning so you’ve opted to stick to it, there is nothing else lower for you to do in your mind. You are pretty lucky in gambling, finding the blackjack table your largest success. You often end up tripling your money from work in a single hours’ worth of gameplay. No one gets why and you’ve been the subject of bans in places for taking the casino for everything they’ve got. A night out like that is usually the only clause for you changing out of your uniform – though you do occasionally find making a troll bankrupt in a maid’s dress pretty fucking funny.

You’re finding crushes developing on a friend close to you, however you’re too nervous to say anything in fear of rejection and a loss of the friendship. Rather you hide your secrets well without realizing you’re a sylph of void. As a derse dreamer you hear heavy whispers of horror terrors, often telling you the worse outcome and how to ruin your life with little concern on how it might destroy you. Your eventual planet will be fog and illusions, a ghastly place where you can’t trust anything at all. Much like your current situation  if you’re given time to think on it. While you don’t see the dead, you do hear voices from the dark about how awful things will turn out. As such you have a phobia of the dark. You’re never alone without a flashlight, ready to blast whatever monstrosity is hiding in the dark trying to break you. As a result of all it, you find yourself incredibly pessimistic and have no intent on changing how you feel. There are no expectations so there’s no room for disappointment or despair over anything.

Your handle is phonomaniaLygophilia, you refuse to keep to one quirk and change it up depending on who you talk to based on trying to make them like you more. Your strife specibi is cleaning kind, you figured it suits your image. You used to be makeup kind but you find your current choice far more acceptable. Your lusus is a komodo dragon who you care for deeply. Your bond is incredibly strong, often bringing her with you to work in case someone tries something funny.

finally starting my trolls bios

🍕🍀💀 for engel because i love him sm

HE LOVES YOU TOO I PINKY PROMISE

🍕 - What is their favorite food?

This is a super easy question if we're talking everything that's edible. it's cake. he loves the kind of pastries that are covered in sprinkles and frosting and wafers and whatever the fuck else to a degree that makes food critics extremely upset and mad because you can't even tell what that's supposed to be anymore. But also there's like a billion different types of cake, and they are ALL good.

If we're talking REAL food (in peppermint's words REAL FOOD RIGHT NOW) it's a harder question because his eating habits are really odd. or unusual. He grew up eating mostly candy and STILL eats mostly candy (and other sweet things), he can't really cook, and he doesn't really like to cook because he rarely has an appetite for anything that's Not sweet. He's the kind of person who has NOTHING in the fridge except like, eggs, and who-knows-how-old preserves of stuff that CAN be used for cooking but he's not using them and will never be using them, and then there's just a whole cake in there. He gets DenDash 90% of the time when he's actually trying to put in the effort to eat something that actually IS in an octopus' natural diet, and in that case he tends to prefer things that are easy to eat, and generally considered snack food, and STILL socially acceptable to dip in chocolate sauce. So generally something like shrimp tempura. yeah, let's say shrimp tempura

🍀 - What originally inspired the OC?

This is a trip down the memory lane... i have no idea honestly. I have to assume he's one of those "random OCs" I made at some point, which is a thing I like doing where I just make an OC and then see if it goes anywhere. He's a pretty early OC, so it's likely a situation where I was just looking up different cephalopod species, or maybe gearsets that look fun, and making something out of that. He was originally based off the angel octopus which is where his name comes from! (it doesn't make much sense nowadays but eh.)

💀 - Does your OC have any phobias?

Oh does he. yeah. Engel has claustrophobia so severe that it very much dictates his life, which he also finds extremely frustrating but hard to find workarounds for. It developed for him sometime in his early adulthood, which is generally when his mental health took a nosedive as a whole, and it's severe enough to limit his life A LOT. He gets anxious being in rooms with no windows, to the point that indoor gigs are pretty much out of the question with a lot of clubs being dank cellars with no windows ANYWHERE, which would just be a death sentence for him. He gets anxiety with closed doors and closed windows; he usually tries to position himself next to windows indoors, and if that's not an option he needs to stay VERY busy to keep his brain in the right place. Trains and buses are not an option to him, which pretty much locks him out of public transit as a whole, and the only workaround he's found for not having panic attacks in a car is perpetually sticking at least half his arm out of the open window (obviously he cannot drive). And that's cars that are being driven by people he deems as safety pillars to begin with, and cars that are big enough so that he can fit in them at least a little comfortably (something that has really just gotten worse recently).

Needless to say he finds it extremely frustrating. Being locked out of like, the entirety of public transport AND the possibility of just taking a taxi AND the inability to keep calm enough in a car to ever drive one very much spirals into a situation where he can't really go anywhere. There's not a whole lot of other options other than WALK, or he has to be babysat by a friend (usually Peppermint) the whole time, because few other people can drive him places and actually stay on top of how he's feeling. Generally, as long as he can see the sky, he's doing pretty alright, but there are MANY situations in life where you DON'T see the sky.

He also feels bad because not being able to go underground or fully indoors also means that Deep Sea Dead Zone often can't do indoor gigs, which is EXTREMELY LIMITING for any band, but especially annoying for them given that there's offers! There's a lot of offers but he can't go 5 minutes indoors without the Badness coming out, and he is SO MAD about it. He spends more time than is necessary beating himself up over it despite repeatedly being assured by just about everyone that his safety comes first, and if it's something he can't do then it's something he can't do.

He's very annoyed and aware of how irrational his anxiety is, but it's something he's tried to work with, work against, find relief for, challenge........ and there's not been much improvement. He's just hoping it'll ease up over time or he'll find a way to manage it better in future, but in the present, it's got a chokehold on most of his life for much too long for his liking. The only big obstacle he's managed to conquer is the elevator, but even those need to have mirrors for the illusion of more space. He's employed the tactic of shutting off his brain for the extent of the ride and counting the chromatophores on his hands until he can get out because honestly he'd rather die than walk stairs.

thanks for the ask!

You're Misty's patient, and she quickly decides she wants you to be more...

SUBMISSION: Reader has To go to the hospital to get an injection but is terrified of reader,Misty has kinda been like stalking the reader and is the nurse to give her the injection. Reader is like really upset and crying cuz of the needle so Misty distracts her by giving her kisses but reader passes out because of the adrenaline from having tiger an injection and she wakes up in mistys house (you can chose what happens from there )

The pandemic had been a horrific experience for you for many reasons. Of course there was lockdown, and you had lost your job at one point, and so many of your friends had become terribly sick, but the vaccine and subsequent boosters were so difficult for you.

You had a phobia of injections, and it never got any easier. When the latest booster came out, a friend of yours let you know that you could get it for free at a local nursing home. Although odd, you were glad not to put down a co-pay for it.

You arrived with sweaty palms and an elevated heart rate. The woman at the front desk lead you into one of the back rooms, and you had a seat on a chair. Your hands gripped the arm rests, your legs quivering. "Jesus, I am too old for this." You whispered to yourself.

There was a knock at the door, and an all too chipper voice behind it. "Hello," it sang, "are you decent?"

"Yes." You responded shakily.

Misty waltzed into the room, as joyful as ever, and gave you a big smile. "Y/N?"

"That's me."

"Are you okay?" She asked, suddenly very concerned at your body language.

"I kind of have a fear of needles." You chuckled, embarrassed.

Misty cocked her head to the side. "Don't you worry about that, sweetie, I will take great care of you. My name is Misty. I'm kind of known here to be the best at this."

"The best at giving shots?" You joked.

"Yeah!" She responded in all seriousness. "What else, silly?"

You cleared your throat, your eyes widening as she laid out the injection and needle on the table next to you. She sat in front of you, your knees touching. "You know... I could give you an anti-anxiety medication to relieve some of your symptoms?" Misty said to you.

Tears stung your eyes and you wrapped your arms around yourself tightly. "Y-Yeah. Maybe that would be a good idea."

She left for a moment and returned with a paper cup, and a white pill inside it. She handed it to you, and you swallowed it dry.

"Let's get this done." She said, speeding up her pace. "Can you lift your sleeve for me?"

You looked down at your top. "I uh... I don't think my sleeve will go up that far."

"Okay. So... let's just take the shirt off." Misty smiled.

You were too upset to argue and you lifted the shirt over your head, leaving you in your bra. Misty wiped your arm down with an alcohol pad, and you burst into tears. That familiar sterile smell sent you over the edge.

"Oh, honey." Misty cooed, taking the syringe in her hand. "It's just a quick pinch, I promise."

You covered your face with your other hand, crying silently. It was a quick pinch, she had been right, but the burning sensation in your arm was deeply unpleasant.

"All done!" She cheered, throwing away her tools. She bent down to help you put your shirt back on, and then she kissed your forehead. "Is that medication kicking in at all?"

You sniffled, looking forward at her face. It looked funny now, almost like you were viewing her from underwater. "I... I think so..."

Then, everything went black.

***

When you came to, you were lying down on a very soft bed. Were these silk sheets, you wondered, in a nursing home? You rubbed your eyes, and when they fluttered opened, you immediately realized you were no longer in a nursing home. The room was elegantly decorated and very clean. The walls were a lavender, and the bedding was different shades of purple. You started to panic. Where the fuck were you?

You didn't have much time to think before Misty popped into the room holding a tray of food. "Oh thank goodness, you're awake!"

"What am I doing here?" You shot up, backing up into the headboard.

"Well, silly, you passed out." Misty responded, bringing the tray to the bed. "They told me we were either calling an ambulance or slapping you awake to get out of there, but I thought it would be better to make you comfortable. You were so upset."

Maybe you should have been more distressed by these circumstances, but you supposed there were worse things than waking up in the bed of a beautiful woman.

"I made you grilled cheese and tomato soup, and a nice tall glass of water." She grinned at you. "Are you hungry?"

"Yes." You responded, grabbing for the sandwich. It was delicious, you had to admit. Cheddar and feta in between two pieces of delightfully buttery sourdough. "Oh my God."

Misty sat next to you on the bed now, her hip pressing up against yours. "I thought you might like it."

You turned your head to look at Misty in the eye. "Is that the only thing you thought I might like?"

Misty blushed, her cheeks turning red. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well." You shrugged, taking another bite of the sandwich. "You brought me into your home, placed me on your bed," you looked down at your clothes, realizing now that she had replaced them with something more comfortable, "and have apparently seen me naked already. So I'm assuming there was somewhat of an ulterior motive here."

"I didn't see you naked, silly." Misty laughed. "Why would I take off your undergarments?"

You raised an eyebrow at her. "It's kind of hot."

"I-Is it?" She stuttered.

You nodded. "I'm into it."

"Well if you finish your food," Misty breathed, "then maybe we can pick up where I left off."

You smirked. "Sounds good to me."

I got top surgery on Wednesday 9th November 2022 and thought I would record the experience here in case it could help anyone. Basically a step by step of the process (with a few problems along the way). I’m happy to answer any questions anyone might have.

The receptionist confirmed who I was, my address, and how to contact my next of kin, then checked I'd had no covid symptoms for the past 30 days and no one in my family had any them in the past 90. We still remain super careful due my grandmother being 91 and my mother being immunocompromised so everything was good.

My ward nurse took me to my private room. I was very pleased about not being on an open ward as I can have odd sleeping patterns. She said my name and then my deadname which after I stiffly corrected her she apologised and pointed to her nametag which said her name was my old one. Ironic and much better than the first thing the medical staff doing being deadnaming me lol

She went through my list of meds with me (quite a few) and gave me a special sponge to use in the shower to disinfect myself and change into a medical gown. Despite the radiator not being on the room was sweltering (in November) so I had to ask them to open my window. Was definitely thankful for the warmth after I got back from surgery as I was very cold then.

A woman with a massive menu came round and asked what I wanted in my post-op sandwich, for dinner that night, and breakfast the next morning, I'm normally an NHS patient (not really sure what the equivalent is in the US, maybe medicare? - but it's basically the underfunded underpaid free healthcare and I was referred to a private hospital because their waiting lists were too long.) With the NHS you get whatever food you get and this place was like a fucking restaurant!

The surgeon then came by to draw lines and dots on my chest, then the anaesthesiologist to go through my meds again. When I told him I had a phobia of needles he said he'd be happy to provide me with laughing gas before he put the canula in. The nurse then fitted me with compression socks, which help prevent blood clots post surgery. They weren't uncomfortable at all, just felt like regular socks but with no toes. I have to wear them for 2 weeks after the surgery.

I waited in my room for two hours so even if you're not staying overnight I'd recommend you bring some form of entertainment. I brought my laptop with some books downloaded onto it and obviously a direct line with home so I could keep them up-to-date.

A new nurse then came in, got me into a dressing gown and took me down to the operating theatre. They didn't undress me until I was unconscious, just rolled down one gown sleeve to put a blood pressure cuff on. The surgeon rubbed a local anaesthetic into the back of my hand and had a bit of trouble finding a vein for the canula (which wasn't unexpected as I have very poor circulation). While he was doing this the nurse held the laughing gas mask over my face, which made me light headed and a bit slurred when I spoke.

There wasn't any slow falling asleep or blur out like on TV when he injected me with the anaesthetic. One moment I had the laughing gas mask on, then I blinked and had an oxygen mask on and was in the recovery room. I didn't realise everything had been done, but my body certainly knew something was up as it almost immediately went into shock.

Would NOT recommend doing that!

Can safely say it was the worst pain I've ever felt, a sharp stabbing sensation across the whole of my chest. The only thing I could think was that if I moved it would be worse so I had to stay as still as possible. It took a dose of Morphine and 3 doses of Fentanyl before the pain lessened. I was too out of it know how long they took between doses but they seemed pretty on it so even though it felt like a long time in that level of pain it probably wasn't. They were insistent on verbal responses from me between doses.

I was wheeled back to my room and have a foggy memory of three nurses clustered around me all quite worried about how blue my fingers were. Things got better from there quickly though, had no nausea or dizziness when a nurse helped me up to go to the bathroom, so had a sandwich and they gave me Tramadol for the residual pain. Ate dinner without a problem (rich peoples' hospitals and their actual food, dude!) and had no constipation from the anaesthetic.

Didn't sleep well but I never do in places that aren't home, and the nurses were coming in every 2-3 hours to check my blood pressure and the drains. In the morning the left drain had a lot more blood coming out than the right so the surgeon decided to keep me in another night. In the end we had 50ml in the right and 300ml in the left and I bled onto the bed quite a bit around the area where the left drain was in. Apparently one side just sometimes bleeds more.

Having the drains out the next day was... an experience. I was still on the Tramadol and the pinch of pain wasn't so bad, but the sliding sensation of a rather long tube coming out of me felt real weird. The background pain dropped a LOT as soon as they were out. Minor leakage around the left wound, but nothing too bad.

Had fresh bandages put on then two nurses wrapped me up in a binder like a burrito. The stiff material of the binder is gonna be right up in your armpits so I'd recommend you do something about any hair you have there before you go. I ran a hair trimmer over both pits.

I can't really offer any advice about if you have a long car ride home. I had a 90 minute drive (as the passenger obvs) and I had black edging into the corners of my vision by the end of it. Standing up before getting into the car was fine, but then not being able to breathe properly plus the movement of the car made me feel very light-headed and nauseous. Went straight to bed when I got home and feel much better since I've woken up. Can do basic movements of putting on a button up shirt, brushing my teeth, etc, but was standing up for twenty minutes to talk to someone and that was enough for me. Have been taking codeine as a painkiller as that's what I take for other issues - have a little burning and aching across my chest (and chafing in my my armpits >.<) but nothing I wouldn't expect from just having had surgery.

boy oh boy fnaf au time :)

so. saw a video that talked about The Horrors Of Fnaf 3, and i've also been in a Fnaf 3 mood due to playing it on stream, and i had thoughts about how. Springtrap is actually Really horrifying if you think about it (more than just 'Serial Child Murderer Trapped In A Death Suit' Horrifying), and also had thoughts about an Everybody Survives au. note the world choice: Survive.

i've titled it the "He Came Back" au :)

now, for the shortest plot explanation i can give:

(warnings: attempted murder, harm to children, some child death though not as much as there is canonically, murder. A Lot Of Fucking Murder, death, general LGBTQ+phobia because The Fucking '80s and '90s)

(note that i also ignore the Remnant Stuff. as well as several things from the books, mostly because i don't want to overcomplicate things for myself)

Elizabeth almost dies, and gets put in a coma for several months.

William Definitely Copes Well! (< lie)

he attempts child murder several times, but he fails basically every time. Charlie gets put in a much shorter coma than Elizabeth's, Jeremy gets stabbed in the throat so many times that it fucks up his vocal chords, and Fritz gets one of their eyes ripped out and his hand broken.

the main reason Afton fails so hard is because he doesn't hide the bodies this time, and the kids manage to get help quick enough (security guards and janitors who come in for work that night).

however, the kids still only saw "Springbonnie" (thinking of changing it to something else cause. the name Springbonnie has always felt a little Weird, y'know? out of place. i'm thinking of renaming Springbonnie to O'Hare, both because it sounds cool and because i view Springbonnie as being based more on a hare than a rabbit. it also rhymes with Fredbear :]) attacking them, and Charlie is still kinda. y'know. in a coma.

then we get to Cassidy, where everything goes to shit.

while Afton tries to kill Cassidy (he manages to get a swipe at their face, which causes a scar), Cassidy kicks him in the balls as hard as possible, in a desperate attempt to defend themself.

however, instead of nothing happening, like Cassidy thought would happen, there are a few small clicks and snaps that come from the suit, and William fucking freezes. he has a general look of 'Oh Shit' on his face, before shit hits the fucking fan.

suddenly, there's a sickening squelch, as though something is stabbing through flesh, blood goes everywhere (including onto Cassidy), and William lets out a scream of pure agony. he very quickly goes from being a threat to writhing in pain on the ground, begging for Cassidy to show him mercy and get help.

they don't. scared, confused, and not wanting to help their attempted murderer, they instead walk out of the restaurant, and start walking back home. a police officer notices this blood-soaked twelve-year-old with a thousand yard stare and things just kinda go from there. William, beyond the point of saving, is taken from the suit as his life slowly slips away. Cassidy Is Fucking Traumatized Now!

Adrian (CC) gets bitten but lives, and it kinda screws him up for a bit. his nightmares about things are on-and-off.

and then, in 1985, things get bad again.

Sammy, Henry's son, decides to work at Freddy's (given that the original location is still open) and hone his technician skills. but...wait, why is Springbonnie still on? shouldn't he be off?

"Springbonnie" (Afton), long story short, kills Sammy by strangling him using some string meant to be used to restring The Puppet. Sammy ends up possessing the Puppet. he was only fifteen.

Henry doesn't take this well (obviously) and Cassidy takes this as evidence that Afton is still around (he very much is).

two years later, Fnaf 2 location opens up. More Afton Murders! including:

a janitor named Benson, who he lured to the Parts & Service room and began to repeatedly bash against the wall. he possesses Bonnie.

a nightguard named Sherri, who suffers the same fate as Benson. she possesses Chica.

when Phone Guy (Daniel) comes around, he uses his previous knowledge from working at the older locations to know how to keep Springbonnie at bay, which he then records on the phone to help other employees live.

it works for two more guards and another janitor, along with Jeremy. until he gits bitten and stuffed inside of Foxy. you'll never guess who he goes on to possess. a young blonde girl, Lea, gets lured and killed, and goes on to possess Fredbear/Golden Freddy. Fnaf 2 location closes.

Cassidy and Charlie move in with each other for Gay Reasons. people are dicks about it, but as far as those two are concerned, they can go fuck themselves.

90's happen. Gabriel gets the restaurant passed down to him (long story: There's A Third Business Partner Alongside Afton And Emily, and he's Gabe's dad), and he does well! he and Jeremy get together in 94.

well...in 93, Daniel unfortunately gets to the end of the line, and gets killed by Afton after basically a decade of managing to avoid it. he possesses Freddy.

Michael Afton Gets An Unexpected Family Reunion With His Dad. Unfortunately For Him, William Wants To Make It A Bit More...Permanent, Shall We Say.

he survives, thank goodness.

Cassidy, sick of Afton's Shit, seals him up behind a wall after luring him back there with Noises.

and then, decades later, Fazbear Entertainment Fucks Up Big Time (Releases Him).

Fnaf 3 happens, and some poor soul (who I'm naming Zeno) has to deal with Afton's Shit.

Cassidy Commits Arson. Good For Them.

Cassidy convinces Zeno to help them commit arson again to get rid of Afton for good with the help of some friends. everyone but Afton survives (Pizzeria Simulator)

lore goes on sorta like normal from here? not exactly? y'know what i mean.

and like! this is only the main lore stuff!! not counting all the therapy, the kids healing and enjoying their lives, none of that. but hey! if anyone's curious, i'd love to talk more about this au! i love it so much :]

Get To Know Me Tag

Thanks for the tag @befuddledcinnamonroll

Do you make your bed?

If I have the spoons yeah, I live with my mom and sister so sometimes my mom gets in the room and puts the cover up.

What’s your favorite number?

3 and 5

What is your job?

Don't have one.

If you could go back to school, would you?

Maybe I don't know. I only have obligatory level schooling (which in Italy used to be not sure it still is, middle school). There was something private I once found that could help me, but that costs money.

Can you parallel park?

Can't drive.

A job you had that would surprise people?

Never had a job, mental illness, tis a bitch.

Do you think aliens are real?

It's a possibilty. Who knows, the universe is pretty big.

Can you drive a manual car?

Nope. Can't drive

What’s your guilty pleasure?

Not sure. Maybe some older sitcomes or disney channel/nick tween stuff that I watch. Although I wouldn't say I feel guilty about them.

Tattoos?

Nope, but I wouldn't be oppose to get one eventually.

Favorite color?

Black & White combos

And Red

Favorite type of music?

My music taste is: whatever makes my creative juices spin, whatever I can associate with my current and old brain ideas (creative ones), and whatever I think it's catchy (or nostalgic).

Do you like puzzles?

I'm 50/50 on them. Sometimes they are fine, other times too boring.

Any phobias?

Bugs. Can't even look at them. And I guess getting inside or on top of large bodies of water (can't swim)

EDIT: I can't fucking believe I forgot agoraphobia, like I had it for 10 years, it's pretty bad, how did it I forgot it???

Favorite childhood sport?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

One of my favorite things to do as a child was sit in a corner and watch other children play at recess. I feel like that tells you everything you need to know about that (I was a very weird kid)

Do you talk to yourself?

Yep, in English, even if it's not my first language

What movies do you adore?

Too many too name.

Coffee or tea?

Tea. I am a very bad Italian, as in I hate coffee.

First thing you wanted to be growing up?

I don't remember. When I was young I used to change my mind a lot. For a while I wanted to write, but then my dream got crushed for a couple of years by a well placed comment from a relative.

Not sure who to tag, so feel free to do it and tag me in it if you want.

Dream, danger, need and fire for Bushra and Juliette 👀

penpenpenpenpenpenpen hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii<3<3<3<3<3 have foreheadsmooch <3<3<3<3

putting this under the read more cause jesus this got long ayayayayayay

dream: does your OC have a driving dream or goal? what is it? how far would they go to achieve it?

Bushra: Next to having a working government that doesn't employ her friends and future partner as slave soldiers? and wanting to burn down the whole galaxy and everyone responsible while helping in creating a happy life for those she cares about? Be able to wake up next to Fox and kiss her goodbye as she goes to work and not have to worry whether she's gonna see them in the evening?

Really wants to have her own office and continue her research into her medical studies and become a respected name in her field! (eye cancer to be a bit more specific! One of her grandma's is suffering from it and she's watched it happen over her childhood.)

Juliette: Ufffffff leave the fighting behind. Have a peaceful life. Be simply happy. Look, she knows what she's done, knows what she's doing but the one time she decided to dream of a peacful life it got blown up. Literally. (*cough with her partner cough*) I think, both in sw and cod, she's never thought she'd get that far, have an actual happiness with her partners. But god, the woman is tired. Tired of what she's lost, tired of the way she decided to stick with it (and still does), tired of the night terrors and the fear and the blood. I think she most wants a stable job that lets her have that without constantly looking over her shoulder in paranoia (in sw, she's never gonna get there btw)

danger: what’s one thing that makes your OC angry? what’s their temper like? how do they respond to people who make them mad?

Bushra: One thing that came most definetely with her work, predjudice in the medical field. It pisses her off, badly. She's very aware that a lot in it will end up with them not bothering (there are many reasons there but god, she's seen the fat phobia going on there and she wants to strangle some doctors) or calling others a lost cause and she's at a point where something in her starts burning then. Also, if you think anything self care and therapy are a hoax, she'll dislike you on principle and think you're an idiot and want nothing to do with you. Having her or her loved ones' boundaries disrepected is prob her biggest one though. She can take a lot, she worked in a closed psychiatry as a nurse from 19 to 24, she's dealt with some stuff, but that just made her that much cutthroat in affirming them. It takes a lot to get her really angry if you aren't pushing said buttons directly. She's a very patient person, very giving and forgiveful if people apologize (but she'll definetely remember it :)). I think there's like two levels to her, one is a sudden burst of anger where she gets flustered, will look actually angry and be a mix of 'trying to stay pleasant but just gets very ranty and demands an explanation and walks around the room a lot'. Will get loud, but tries hard not to. Actual, real anger from her though? Ice-fucking-cold. If you get her there, you know you fucked up. She doesn't need to say a lot and if she smiles, go to your knees and apologize because she will make you feel like an absolute waste of existence at that point.

Juliette: Hmmmm one sure fire way is questioning her strength (which Ghost very succesfully managed). It comes across as disrespectful to her, even if it's just because you care for her well-being. (Say that, she's gonna react a lot better to it. and look, she might hate what she does at this point and hate how she ended up like that, but it's still her point of pride. She has little else. Yes, that is very sad, thx) Being dishonest with her will also get her supremely pissed, she has no energy or time for it. Insults? Look, lady has a lot of anger still simmering in her, don't test her. Also, don't touch her hair unless permitted. Most terrifing would prob still be hurting her loved ones. Which, it happens in her field of work. Book it mate. Her temper is not exactly short, but there's lots of buttons to push and she'll react immediatly to them. Her respondse, dgain, depends on how severe it is and who you are. She'll directly confront, no use in being vague or hiding it to her. If you pissed her off, you'll know immediately. If you 'just' insulted her, she'll march up to you like the 1,93 m mountain of muscle and murder that she is and ask you what the fuck you think you are doing while staring at you like she'll eat your soul like a midnight snack. Most people will leave stuff be then. She'll be growly and calm though. If you push her hard enough after that, that's when she might get loud, but it happens rarely. She doesn't need to. Might ask you for a sparring session, it helps blow of steam and she's mostly around people where that goes. If, eh, you've hurt sombody though, just. Sorry, my dude, that's kinda it :/ (imagine grizzly bear appearing out of nowwhere.) The hair one is more specific, but I still kinda wanna adress it. To keep it short, she had to deal with assholes trying to use it against her during 'friendly sparring' just to piss her off/push her down a peg. She doesn't regret dislocating that shoulder. Got the message across, but it's something deeply personal.

need: has your OC ever experienced desperation? how has it affected them? what do they do when something they need is out of their reach?

Bushra: Several times. Again, she works in the medical field, she worked as both a hospital and psychiatry nurse. She's had people die under her hands while trying her damnest to save them. She's experienced with her parents dying too, the feeling of being left behind, just wanting them back, not understanding what is going on because she was just a child, all these things are branded into her mind. It drives her to try and be better, to work harder, to make it happen less, because she hates it. She's also trying to get into her mind that sometimes, there's nothing she can do, that it's not her fault. Its takes time though. If she sees that she can't do it, she asks for help, simple as that. For a long time she wouldn't keep the burdens to herself and only herself, but I think the desperation she's felt in the medical field have driven that one out. It's not yet her first reaction, but she's also learning that one. At least when she feels truly desperate she will.

Juliette: Again, also several times. On the regular tbh. Again, both in cod and sw, soldier. Juliette skimms by death on what feels like a monthly basis. She's had people dying before her, just behind her, in her arms. She listened over the coms to somebody screaming just before it cut off. Besides that, also her parents. It's scarred her for life, no questions asked. She had no family to simply fall back on then, had no immediate support system that cared for her and it's left it's marks. She's gotten very protective as a result, will try and endanger herself before others get the chance to. Also, ptsd and all that one entails. If she can't do it herself, she'll also scream for help. Otherwise, keep fighting through the desperation. You don't stop till there's a solution or the result.

fire: what’s one thing they’d destroy if they could, and why? would that destruction bring them any satisfaction or catharsis?

Bushra: the government :) she wants to throw fire and stones :) she wants to be able to see Fox smile and not find new scars :) she wants people to be safe and happy :) it would be cathartic and satisfying and let her behead Palpatine after she realised what those lichtenberg scars are :) (idk if u expected anything else, but that's her biggest one, currently)

Juliette: in sw? same. You have to know, she, Ghost, Soap, all of them got called in to work as commanders in this pangalactic war because yes, the jedi are the generals, but they aren't actual military, u know? And she's over 40 at this point, she's done her due, her even living is a miracle in and itself, and she was but a year before finally stepping back and leaving it behind. She has her husbands, she has her life, she's saver now, more stable, she's working on herself and trying to find ways to leave it. But then they got called in and she saw a bunch of 20 year old faces staring back at her, kids, that unlike her, had no choice in it and all three decided to do their damn best to try and get as many out as possible. They know best what a war entails. They don't know how to change a government (except try and murder but after that they're completely stumped, so going back in it is). But yeah, burn it down. Very much satisfaction.

In cod? As a teenager, everthing. As a woman now waking up with sweat drendched sheets and images of blood on her hands and lives she's taken and the fear of never knowing how to leave? Herself and everything that put her there. It's not rational, but who'd expect it to be :) Catharsis and satisfaction in equal messure I'd say. There's a lot of wrath inside her.

reading update

friends, I have no time for bullshit. this is gonna be a long one, I have a tremendous TBR pile waiting for me, and we need to just jump right in. remember how last month I said I was going to get back into comics in a big way? I've made good on my threat.

without further ado, here's what I've been reading:

Fearing the Black Body: The Racial Origins of Fat Phobia (Sabrina Strings, 2019) - maybe one of my favorite nonfiction books I've read so far this year. shockingly comprehensive despite the sheer breadth of time it tackles; it's genuinely a bit dizzying to see antiblackness and fatphobia traced so succinctly across centuries and straight into the 21st century. prepare to spit nails learning about all the ways that the English have invented the most heinous bullshit you've ever heard to justify why they're just naturally biologically better than Black people, Asians, Natives, Italians, Eastern Europeans, Jews, and the Irish. tremendous breakdown of race-making and how deeply, truly insidious so many ideas about bodies are.

Dead Collections (Isaac Fellman, 2022) - a quirky little oddball of a novel about a trans vampire working in an archive and a recently widowed fanfic writer who have a totally typical meet cute - obviously the best way to get back out there is to hook up with the archivist handling your dead wife's screenplays and letters, right? Dead Collections follows Our Protagonist, the aforementioned vampire Sol, as he struggles with pretty much everything; if you're a fan of the Guy Having An Elaborate Internal Monologue While Having A Pretty Bad Time genre, this one may be for you. I was a little underwhelmed by Dead Collections, but it's got a sharp and interesting take on vampires + a queer sexy little romance that's worth the while.

Siren Queen (Nghi Vo, 2022) - listen: I am a Nghi Vo stan first and a person second. she can do no wrong. Siren Queen was, to my understanding, actually the first novel Vo wrote even though it's hardly the first book she's published, and while I think it shows a bit of first novel overambition, Siren Queen is still dazzling in its atmosphere and creepy factor. Vo brilliantly blends fey mythos with the early days of Hollywood - changelings roam the movie lots, actors' true names are bartered and sold, and studio heads are inhuman monsters who treat their stars like playthings. one of my favorite details was an older actor being described as having the color actually bleached out of them, turning them literally black and white, from back in the day when cameras were hungrier. spooky! and a brilliant concept, which Vo plays with in all kinds of thrilling ways as her protagonist, Chinese-American lesbian Luli, fights to make a name for herself without having to compromise any part of who she is.

Real Hero Shit (Kendra Wells, 2022) - a real fun D&D-esque comic about a ditzy and horny tiefling prince running off with a party of hardened adventurers. absolutely worth the twelve bucks I spent to scoop it up at Pride! my only complaint is that we got to see some lovingly drawn tits but absolutely zero purple cock and/or balls, which just feels wildly unfair. it's about equality, Kendra.

The Metamorphosis (Franz Kafka, 1915, trans. William Aaltonen) - hey gang, at risk of sounding like a dumbass, I did not know what actually happens in The Metamorphosis. my knowledge began and ended with Gregor Samsa waking up as a bug and going "ah heck how am I gonna get to work?" and I was like cool commentary on capitalism bro, I get it. but did I? because I had no idea that Gregor then proceeds to spend the rest of his life scuttling pathetically around his room while his family feeds him garbage and ignores him. I assumed he would put on a bug tie and go to work or something and the commentary would be about the absurdism of being expected to sit at your desk doing paperwork despite being a fucking giant insect. but instead it's about, like, taking on a form that's alien and inconvenient to your family and becoming an isolated and reviled burden through absolutely no fault of your own because something about your body has become disruptive to the familial peace. and then he just fucking DIES because he gives up on life and the family's RELIEVED and get on with their business thinking about how great it is that they can move now and how lucky they are to still have a daughter with a beautiful normal body. frankly really chilling stuff, Franz.

Batman and Robin Eternal, Vol. 1 (James Tynion IV and Scott Snyder) - first off in the name of proper credit, I'm extremely aware that Tynion and Snyder are NOT the only people who worked on this by a country mile. unfortunately, there are so many issues jammed into this trade paperback that I'd be here all day if I were to list every individual writer and artist; for my sanity, I'm defaulting credit to the names listed on the front cover even though I know that's technically wrong. anyway, having said that: I remember liking Batman and Robin Eternal pretty well when I started it a few years ago, but sweet lord it has not held up for me very well at all. the story is fine, it's your standard global espionage Bat-shenanigans and every sidekick from Dick to Duke puts in at least a cameo, but god. christ. it's just... it's so New 52. according to my own math, the Batfamily timeline proposed by this book seems to suggest that Bruce has inducted a new Robin every 18 months for YEARS, and Dick somehow can't be any older than 24 at most. it's messy out here, kids. on the plus side: if you like Harper Row and you're gonna get a lot of Harper Row, and she and Cass are definitely dating.

100 Boyfriends (Brontez Purnell) - god, WHAT a collection of stories. Purnell has put together a roller coaster of messy gay experiences - drugs, sex work, infidelity, sex addiction, cruising, etc - and tied them up in poignancy and humor. there's a man having sex with his co-worker's husband, an actor who's washed up after his days starring in a campy gay sitcom, a musician touring Europe in a whirlwind of hookups and drugs and cancelled plans. each story is whip sharp and crazy fast, hardly ever lingering more than a few pages, but they leave unforgettable impressions.

The Sandman: Preludes and Nocturnes (Neil Gaiman, 1988) - so my mom is moving and consequently shipping me boxes full of my shit that she doesn't want to be responsible for anymore, including all the Sandman trade paperbacks that I almost bankrupted myself buying the first summer that I had a job. for me The Sandman very much falls under "things that everyone says are good and are, frustratingly, actually good" - and yes, that extends to Preludes & Nocturnes even though we all know it's the weakest part of the series! I know it's absolutely going to get better from here once Neilman starts abandoning the larger DC universe doing his own thing, and I'm looking forward to that, but for now it is kind of charming to watch him bend over backwards to get characters Martian Manhunter and the Scarecrow involved.

The Vegetarian (Han Kang, 2016, trans. Deborah Smith) - I checked this book out at the same time as The Metamorphosis because 1.) it was also short and 2.) the jacket described it as "Kafka-esque," and I can be persuaded to do almost anything by a sufficiently amount of serendipity. it's certainly also EXTREMELY UNSETTLING! the tl;dr is that a Korean woman decides to give up eating meat after having some sort of fucked up dream, only for her husband and family to lose their fucking minds. to her husband she's an embarrassment; to her brother-in-law, an object of sexual obsession; to her sister, an inconvenient obligation. I can definitely see thematic parallels to the Metamorphosis in terms of that looming question of whether your family will still love and care for you if you become someone they no longer recognize, but there's a major difference in the fact that all the narration comes from other perspectives. we have no idea what's happening in the titular vegetarian's head as she seems to grow more and more distant and passive, nor what she feels about the ways she's being (mis)treated. great book, hurt my head.

Batman: Year One (Frank Miller and David Mazzicchello, 1986) - straight up? excellent. delicious. NO notes. Gotham (the tv show) desperately wants what Year One has but is too cowardly to actually let Gordon run Flass off the road, beat him senseless, and leave him handcuffed butt naked in the woods in the middle of winter. grow up!!

Batman and Robin Eternal Volume 2 (James Tynion IV and Scott Snyder, 2016) - pretty much the same as Volume 1 but dumber and more chaotic; a story about the Batkids teaming up to take down a human trafficking ring that even Batman couldn't bust turns into just. a whole convoluted take over the world scheme that we can't call the Justice League for help with, For Some Reason. and yet. and yet. I am not immune to the scene in which Damian chews out his brothers for thinking they're failures for not being Batman clones and reminds them all that Bruce not only knows they aren't like him, but it proud of and grateful for it. or the reveal that Bruce has spent years trying to do right by Harper to give her as much control as possible over her own life. or the ending when he takes Cassandra on after getting his memory back (Bruce was an amnesiac for this entire story, I don't know why or care. comics are like that). I have feelings about daddy!Bats your honor.

Batman: King Tut's Tomb (Nunzio DeFillippis, Christina Weir, José Luis García-López, and Kevin Nowlan, 2009) - gamers, I'm not gonna lie: this is probably one of my favorite things I'm going to read this year. King Tut's Tomb collects issues #26-28 of Batman Confidential and employs possibly my favorite kind of Batman storyline: there's some weird-ass murders happening in Gotham again, and now Batman has to do something about it. in this case he teams up with the Riddler, because the insane white man doing brownface and calling himself King Tut while he kills people is also spewing riddles during his homicides, which is thematically a bit confusing and also pisses the Riddler right off. after Batman declines his first offer to help Eddie shimmies himself right out of Arkham anyway and proceeds to spend a full day cheerfully calling Bruce "partner," being rude to cops (based), and being right about pretty much everything. I really enjoy the way DeFillippis and Weir write the Riddler, employing sort of a "used car salesman" energy that really straddles the line between charming and insufferable, and Bruce makes a phenomenal straight man for him to play off. I would have read another 20 issues of this happily, but I respect a story that doesn't overstay its welcome.

/ / c h a p t e r - o n e / /

The room was drafty, it felt almost like a real hospital...well it was...but...you know, like the actual ones that people get shots and stuff in...I looked around, it was a typical setting. A few flower vases in the corner with plants that you could tell were obviously fake...and empty arm chairs all around. I was happy they were empty, I didn't want to see anyone...although I did wish someone was around so I could ask how these damn things went along...

Just with that thought, a tall guy dressed in all black came straggling in. He looked lost, or stoned...I really couldn't tell. He had a strange hairdo...shaved on the sides and long at the center...it was kind of cool as I scoped it. His eyes fell on mine, I looked away quickly. He sat down beside me, the smell of cigarettes against his leather coat easing into my nostrils. How could such an attractive guy let himself reek of the aroma of cancer sticks.

"Hi." He smiled slightly.

"...hi..." I smiled slightly also, taken by surprise that he'd actually speak to me...he didn't look like a talkative, or very friendly guy...I guess because he was wearing so much black.

"I'm not crazy, by the way." He assured me.

I laughed, I couldn't help it...he was so forward, "neither am I."

"Well good." He nodded, his smile growing wider, "not that I thought you were."

"I didn't think you were either." I shrugged shyly.

"But even if you were that would be fine." He said, looking right at me. We were so close together due to the set up of the chairs that it made me nervous, I leaned to the side a little, backing from him.

"Same for you." I looked away, I always became a bit nervous to look at an attractive person right in the face. It gave me an everlasting feeling that there just had to be shit on mine or something.

"Matty." He held his hand out, I could see his eyes wandering around every bit of my face and behavior, he obviously knew I was nervous...was he a psychologist? And just acting like a client?

"Katie." I shook his hand quickly and slipped mine into the pockets of my over sized cardigan sweater.

"Katie. Is it short for-"

"Katie?" A woman called, guessing she was my psychologist, I stood up and swung my purse over my shoulders, "sorry." I didn't look back, and followed the woman back to her office.

"Hi, my name is Elaine, I'll be your psychologist." She smiled and extended her hand after closing the door behind us. She happened to be a very attractive woman, and quite young to my surprise...maybe in her thirties or so. She wore red lipstick and had long blonde hair tied back...and bright blue eyes...and breasts that she obviously wanted to show off because they'd nearly pop right out of her blouse if she were to jump.

I reached out and shook her hand, then sat down.

"Are you doing okay?"

"No, a really attractive man just told me his name and I don't know how to take that."

Elaine stared at me, blankly, then a false smile spread across her lips. I could tell it was false...

"Well...let's talk about that. Why don't you know how to take that, Katie?"

"This is one of the problems. I don't like when people talk to me...well...men. I'm not homosexual, I am attracted to men, but when they talk to me it makes me want to just...just..." I sighed, wanting to pull my own hair out. Wasn't this woman supposed to make me feel not crazy about my damn problems? What the fuck is this shit?

"Go on..."

"Jump off a bridge." I admitted, feeling even loonier than I must have looked.

"I see. Would you consider this a fear?"

"Yes." I said quickly.

"Do you have this problem when females talk to you?" She asked.

"No, not at all...but I do get a feeling that they're judging me, as all people do to each other but I get a feeling that...they're out to get me. Break me down and make me feel awful about myself...like they feel higher than me in...life. I'd much rather just be alone and-"

"What you've just described, seems to me..a phobia of socializing. Which could come from a number of things..."

I looked at her, I've been told the same thing all my life by my one and only friend. What the hell was I paying this lady for if I could have just listened to my friend? My head began to spin. I stood up, grabbing my bag, "I don't feel so good...I'm gonna go...I'll call you to reschedule." I walked out of the room, finding my way back to the waiting room. Matty was still sitting there, he looked up from his lap.

"Hey, that was fast." He said.

"Yeah. Bye." I waved, quickening the pace of my feet.

"Hey wait up," he stood up, I stopped.

"I was wondering...if you wanted to wait for me...and come watch my band rehearse after this?" He asked.

What? Was he a fool? I didn't even know him...a band...I'm trying my best not to laugh...or run...

"Excuse me?"

"I know it seems strange but we've been trying to get an audience that we don't know to kind of tell us if we suck or not, and give us a hear...you would be helping a ton." He said.

"I dunno...I really should get going I-"

"Please?"

"Matthew?" The same woman came out, I tried not to make eye contact with her.

"I don't-"

"Please? Come on, we'll have free drinks." He said, lowering his voice.

"Oh, I don't drink." I shook my head, lowering mine too.

"...I didn't mean alcohol." He laughed, "you remind me of my girlfriend..."

"Matthew...?" Elaine called again.

"Right here just a sec." He held his hand up, still staring at me.

Girlfriend? I sighed on accident, "oh you have a girlfriend? Will she be there?"

"She's dead," He said.

My heart suddenly sped up in pace as he said those words, I suddenly began to feel sorry for him. If she was dead...why would he refer to her as if she still were alive and they'd still been dating? And how could I possibly remind him of her? What did I do? I sighed, feeling the pressure, "alright." I took a seat, watching him walk off with Elaine with a smile on his face.

survey #009

“... but no one can break my heart like i can”

Anything you’re looking forward to this month? Ugh, no. Literally nothing. I want summer to be OVER. I'll only accept a pause for a brief period in August for Ryder's birthday. Have you or would you ever forage for mushrooms? Bitch fuck yes let's go be fairies What’s something you dislike about spring time? The fucking heat. As well as all the pollen. What’s your favorite lollipop flavor? Probably strawberry. Are you into gardening and what do you enjoy planting? No, it's really not my thing. I'm just not into getting hot and sweaty outside, for anything. What’s some flowers you find to be pretty? Oh god, tons. Flowers are literally the only thing that keep me from loathing spring. I love dahlias, hydrangeas, tiger lilies, roses, poppies, tulips... I really, really could go on forever. Would you say you’re easy to get along with? Yeah, I think so. Who did you last hold hands with? Girt. Do you name your plants? N/A Do you like to dip your fries in a frosty or ice cream? I've actually never seen the appeal of doing that??? Do you prefer staying in cuddled up or going out for a date? The former more than the latter, but I think diversity keeps it fun. Have you ever stargazed with someone? Well, that wasn't actively what we were doing, but considering we weren't doing anything else on the trampoline but lying there looking up... I guess we were. I miss nights in the woods. If you were royalty, what would you like to be addressed as? I'd have to think, which I don't feel like doing. As my life goes. Are there any things coming up that you have to travel for? No. What relative are you closest with? My mom. What last had you startled? Oh jeez. I can't think of anything since at Girt's place when he honestly understandably got defensive about something with his family. I was just really, really shocked (and triggered) to hear his voice go up even so slightly and become firm. My terrified-of-men ass ended up outside crying, which was embarrassing because the man didn't do anything close to yelling. Putting myself in his shoes, I probably would have snapped too, because he was just tired of the topic. We talked outside and i was fine after a while, I just. Really, really have to learn that anger is not an evil emotion and people are allowed to non-harmfully express it. Just as soon as that emotion is in a man's hands, I fuckin emotionally bolt. Girt's mom literally like watched it happen in my eyes, according to Mom when they also talked. As soon as his voice went up a single decibal above what was normal, she saw it. I grabbed and stroked Girt's arm to let him know I was there while at the same time I was thousands of miles away. What emotion have you experienced most lately? Oh, jeez. There's love, confusion, uncertainty, self-doubt, etc. Love has probably been the strongest. Let’s say there are no obstacles preventing this... What would you do for the rest of your life? If there truly are no obstacles, then I'd probably build up to a life with a shitload of well-provided for pets of all different sorts. What’s an odd phobia someone you know has? Idk, I'm the one with the weird phobia. Do you have any ghost stories you’ve experienced? Two very confident ones, but I just don't feel like explaining them all again. Recommend me something you’ve been into recently. I think i have made it ABUNDANTLY obvious lately that Rammstein has fully and entirely devoured my life lmao Do you like sushi? I refuse to try it. What’s something you’ve been putting off? Eeeek dusting my room. I have a lot of stuffed animals and knick-knacks I have to move around and then put back in the right places in order to properly dust, and I just hate doing it. What is one annoyance you’ve had today? I'm very, very drowsy. What’s one of your favorite videos? HAHA so in a recent survey I mentioned "comfort" videos of mine that I like to watch to make me smile and i was literally referring to my relationship with Rammstein's "Zick Zack" music video lmaooo, actual life goal is to become that one grandma w/ the walker and 69 jersey, actual queen. Who is your favorite person to spend time with? Girt, easy. Have you ever gotten into a physical altercation and lost? I've never been in a physical fight. Did you have your own bedroom growing up? No; my younger sister Nicole and I shared a room. Do you try to carry all of your groceries in at once to avoid another trip? No, because that is literally oathing me into falling as soon as I try to step over/onto anything. Getting into our actual house is a very painful step upwards for me and my legs, the last thing I need is to be weighed down by too many groceries. Would you ever or have you gone golfing? (mini golf counts) Mini-golf is fun; I have no desire to go legit golfing. Hell, I don't want to even mini-golf right now; it involves too much bending and such and my knees just couldn't handle it. How about bowling? I'd totally go bowling, it's fun. Do you enjoy decorating your home for any occasion? Ack, it sucks, I love LOOKING at holiday decor, especially Halloween and Christmas stuff, but I'll be damned if I like putting it up. What’s your favorite color in the rainbow? Mmmm maybe indigo. Or red, idk. Do you tend to stumble over your words when you’re nervous? Bitch what you mean I do that already when I'm NOT nervous Are you a fan of Ozzy Osborne? Me? No way, never. Never willingly listened to the guy once in my life. Have you ever caught Covid-19, or any of the variants? I have not. I took a test when I had that awful cold, and it was negative. What color was the blanket that you last covered up with? It's pink. What’s a dance move you can confidently do? None, haha. What is a name of a person who you don’t particularly like? Colleen. What is something you dread? I'm always EXTREMELY nervous stepping on the scale at doctors visits. Even now with the numbers dropping, I'm still so nervous to look at it. What’s the first flowers or trees you notice that bloom when it gets warmer? The fucking dogwood trees. Which notoriously smell like rotten fucking fish. Why it was picked as the state tree, I'd love to know. What are 3 words or phrases you use most often? "Mood," "lmao," and "deadass" or something. What type of pain pills do you use for a headache or do you just tough it out? I grab Ibuprofen. Can you remember the last time you dressed up nice for an event? Ugh... I most recently "dressed up" to get pictures taken for Mother's Day, and I sobbed because of how much I hated how hideous I looked. It took everything to not just cry and cry while we were actually getting them taken, because I was the one person there who just looked fucking awful. What did you last thank somebody for? Probably Mom for making dinner, idk. Are you content with your social life? I'm fine with it. It would be nice to have one face-to-face friend to hang out with besides my boyfriend, but it's not a big deal at all. What is something freeing that you’ve done recently? Nothing really comes to mind. Have you ever had edible flowers? Oh, I'm certain I've tried a flower I knew was edible as a kid, haha. No telling how far I got. Do you enjoy spicy foods? I lovvvveeee spicy food. What’s a song you’ve had on replay recently? See also: Rammstein's entire discography Have you ever slipped in the shower? I have, but caught myself. What is something you want to be remembered for? Having a big heart full of love for animals and good people. What is something besides cash/cards that you keep in your wallet? I have pictures of some of my nieces and nephews. I should mention I didn't just like, pick out of them all who I wanted a picture of, I was given some photos that fit in there. Do you like pickles? Ugh I love pickles and have actually been craving them so badly lately. Do you consider yourself to be more of a loner or outgoing? I am the textbook definition of "loner." What’s your plans for the next upcoming season? So fall? I mean, nothing that I really know of besides celebrate my anniversary with Girt. Maybe I'll try to take more nature/scenery photographs this year. Maybe do some Halloween stuff like ACTUALLY do something with a pumpkin this year. What emotion do you feel the strongest right now? Gaaaaaaah anxiety. What’s the strangest name you’ve heard someone name their child? Tbh I *try* not to name-shame because you really just don't know what led to that name being chosen, but some are definitely... out there. I remember when Blanket, Michael Jackson's son, was born, I was at a loss trying to explain THAT one. Have you ever or would you ever wear a cat ear hat? Yeah sure, especially with a costume. What is something scary you have done? Jesus, sharing a bedroom with this one woman during a psych hospital stay years ago was genuinely terrifying. I don't know exactly what her issue was, but she was EXPLOSIVE as all get-out. I mean like, throwing-furniture-around angry. She made me so uncomfortable that I eventually talked to a nurse and was moved. This poor lady at one point wound up in solitary throwing shit around (I mean LIFTING her fucking bed) and if I remember right eventually had to be given an injection to calm her down. That experience fucking sucked; for some dumb reason the solitary room was very close to the day room where we all gathered, so all we heard was her screaming and cursing at nothing. I hope she got the help she needed. Do you think fish are cute/pretty? Well yeah, of course. What’s the nastiest dish you’ve ever had? Oh I dunno. Do you or anyone you know talk or walk in their sleep? Well, I scream awful and/or hateful shit in my sleep. When my hypomanic streak ended, the nightmares snuck back in. Absolutely not to the degree they once were, at least not yet. I mostly only know I still do it because Mom points it out. I've never walked in my sleep, but my younger sister has. As a kid, she deadass RAN in her sleep, lmao. Then on one occasion when she was way older, I stopped her from wandering outside while she was asleep. She was literally trying to open the front door. THAT could have ended badly, so thank goodness I was up in the living room. Do you ever make bets on anything? No. Even if I had money, I wouldn't. I'd cherish money I earned too much. Where did you get your shirt at? I have no clue, it's just a very ordinary red tank top. How many towns have you lived in? Three. All touching. Are you currently hungry or thirsty? I actually am kinda hungry. Do you like to be hugged? Dude I LOVE hugs. Girt's mom absolutely loves how tightly I hug and it's the best thing. Do you like cranberry juice? Cranberry juice is VERY easily one of the most disgusting drinks known to man. Do you or have you ever taken lessons for anything? I took guitar lessons for a little while in high school, and then my sisters and I were all dancers for many years, starting in middle school. Nicole's second job is literally at the dance studio, as she was the most passionate dancer and is also just way too good with kids to not be a teacher there. Has something heavy ever fallen on top of you? Not that I recall, no. Do you know a lot of people who share the same name? Well, Girt and I both have an older sister named Ashley, which is WEIRD. Do you prefer minty toothpaste or something else? Minty, yes. Do you have a favorite shape? Circles. I find them satisfying. Do you own a pool? Do you enjoy swimming? We don't. I do like swimming, though. Do you like oat milk? Sigh, no. Ashley gets that now and I tried it because I hate the dairy industry, it's appalling, but I just straight-up have not liked anything that isn't real milk. Do you or anyone you know have a pet snake? I have oneeee. <3 God, I want more. I know Mazzy has snakes too, but I'm not sure if any other friends of mine have any. Do you ever donate your unworn clothing? Yes, always. Do you own anything with your country’s flag on it? What is it? HELL no. Have you ever been inside of a mansion? No, but shit man, I wish. Do you have ADD/ADHD? I've been diagnosed with ADD in the past, but it's not something that's clung on through time. My focus is actual shit and I believe there is a problem with it, though to just be real y'all I have heard so many diagnoses by now that I just don't even seek 'em out anymore. Like I would honestly love to know it I DO have high-functioning autism, but I just. Don't feel like going through everything to find out. Do you prefer chocolate chip or sugar cookies? Both are good, but I prefer chocolate chip. Would you ever get a tattoo of a cat? Yeah, sure. I would not put getting a tribute to Roman done past me after he passes on. Even then, I might just want a Halloween-ish cat, AND OH!, I was once very serious about getting a watercolor Cheshire Cat. Do you know anyone with the name Brianna? I sure do; my very first best friend was named Brianna. We haven't had contact in MANY years, though. Most certainly wish her the best in the world, though. What are your opinions on self diagnosing mental disorders? This is WAY more intricate a topic than people think. It depends on so, so much. In general I don't support it, but there are cases where I would believe somebody without a professional diagnoses. What’s something you like about the town you live in? Absolutely, positively nothing. This place sucks. Do you celebrate Halloween? What’s your favorite thing about it? Sigh, I really don't. I wish I did *something*. I just love everything about it, the whole aesthetic and vibe. What did you last draw? A rough outline of a meerkat figure. I had to stop because my tremors were so intense during that hypomanic streak that I really just was not drawing well at all. Do you ever jokingly flip people off? If I'm very close with you and know you won't think I mean it, I will. Who do you know that gives the best advice? Probably Mazzy, honestly. Do you ever go to your local library? No. Have you ever listened to Hollywood Undead? Yeah, I like 'em. Have you ever binged watched a whole show in one day? I probably have at some point. Could you go for a nap right now? No, I'm fine. What’s the weather like today? Insufferably fucking hot. I just got back from riding with Mom to feed my sister's cat, and our car's AC doesn't work, so it's miserable in the car. Do you like mushrooms? Noooooo.

This is gonna be a long post, but... I'm coping with some thoughts on being, well, an Alter. I just wanted to get it all out in case I don't get to front for a while, and also because I don't want to sleep yet. So, without further ado...

I heard someone call me by my own name for the first time today, and got so emotional afterwards I ended up crying. It was my therapist, who I officially introduced myself to for the first time. At the start of the day, he was only the third person to know outside of one friend and my roommate. By the end of today, around ten people know, and I haven't really encountered any doubt, which I guess is a good thing?

I honestly never expected to get this far. I've missed so many years where I've barely ever fronted, to the point it just got confusing whenever it happened. How do you explain to someone that you're suddenly dysphoric in the complete opposite way, or that you can't remember how to do your job? How do you explain to someone you'll probably need to ask their name on three separate occasions before you can consistently remember it, when you're not even sure why?

Theeen the long run up to our breakdown last year started. I tend to front more when there's a lot of stress, which doesn't exactly help things when you then have to figure out what the hell you're even doing, but only being around one or two days a month doesn't really make for a very firm identity, even if I used to be the host for most of the teenage years. Well, most people don't react well to not controlling their thoughts half the time. Less so when they start to remember that, well... Kay's the most recent one of us. Hell, I'm not the original, either, but my social skills aren't exactly the best, so I got written off as a hallucination.

Then Kay hurt herself, and we ended up in a psych ward for a while. There were other things happening, too, like the whole adrenal gland fucking up because that thing burned out from overuse, we think. (What, a system with lots of trauma? That unpossible!) Point being, we were fucked up, and the more fucked up we got, the more I started coming to the front. It was just hard to articulate it right, because surely it couldn't be a disassociative disorder, right?

Yeah, my psych'd talked about CPTSD, and every time I tell one of my childhood stories as a joke everyone gets reeeeal quiet and says things like "Oh my god, I'm so sorry that happened to you" and stuff like that, but there were only a few times I got beat. I only got shot with an air rifle twice, and it only broke the skin once, and two rounds of conversion therapy just left me with a phobia of religious figures and a need to know where the door was to any given room, but it wasn't like I was traumatized or anything, right?

Back to the ward, I remember not being entirely sure how long I'd been there the first day, but some of the other days, I kept trying not to sleep because I had this indescribable feeling that I wouldn't be the same when I woke back up. (there was a fucking reason for that, god I was in denial.) So things got vague for a bit, the adrenal issues were causing some hallucinations, which just fed into the belief that I wasn't, you know, a real person.

And then, about five days into this, me and Kay disagreed harder than we had before, which was the first time in a while there'd been such a stark line between us when it's usually something like a spectrum. See, Kay's usually a bit of a pushover. Nice to a fault, just quietly going along with an ineffective treatment plan because a five minute psychiatrist appointment each morning isn't really long enough to figure anything out, so, uh... I made a suggestion.

Just leave. Despite the self harm, this was a voluntary commitment, we could just leave. She couldn't bring herself to ask. Okay, don't say anything and just ram the door. She thinks it'd hurt because they were locked. So I say grab a keycard from someone, but she watched them restrain someone the day before, so I started losing it and just suggesting getting violent, because, well... last time I was this dominant was when dealing with a meth addicted stepdad who had a habit of hurting my mom, so maybe I had a shitload of anger to get out that I wasn't coping with very well.

Well, it turns out that, if two sets of thoughts are butting heads like that, it gets a little hard to tell which ones are yours anymore. So, all this starts bleeding into her inner monologue, she interprets it as some sort of demonic possession (I was not helping matters) aaaaand asked one of the nurses to be sedated with everything they had.

Yeeeah... we're pretty sure I started as a trauma response, which... yeah, no shit. Still it just... wasn't fun being me, or productive or anything, so I just kind of stayed quieter. Inpatient ended, and a lot of it's just a blur. I know the little fainting spell we had on intake became a recurring thing, and I'm pretty sure running out of cortisol regularly and substituting adrenaline is probably why I didn't just go fully dormant again.

The thing I've learned with OSDD (the low calorie diet alternative to DID) is that there's a bit of bleedthrough. Lines aren't quite as strict, so even though memories do get fucky sometimes, it's not always easy to tell when a switch happens until it's far enough in one direction to make recalling things hard. So I think I was still there somewhere; we bought a binder despite Kay being transfemme, finally donated like two and a half feet of hair, and basically just rationalized it as being more butch as we got more comfortable in being recognized as a woman.

I know there were a few times I just felt insanely dysphoric, or angry out of nowhere, which... yeah, after that inpatient visit, Kay basically walked back in to a hostile as fuck work environment, I learned my lesson about suggesting punches to the throat from earlier, and uh, oh yeah, my dad died by suicide. Y'know, the one who didn't have a giant record of traumatizing us.

I didn't realize this until December, nine months after it'd happened. I have to dig for memories I wasn't really around for, it doesn't come immediately, but I tend to pop up to absorb some insults from mom over the holidays, so I drove up, realized why I wasn't visiting dad this time and just... broke down. Stress vomited in the bathroom, too. Didn't keep a bite of food down the whole day.

Obviously, I wasn't feeling very well. I hadn't slept much, either, but rather than sleep in a recliner in my mom's house, I just turned around after exchanging presents, made the whole five hour trip back in one go, and when I got out of my car, I realized I'd been up for forty hours because I was seeing things out of the corner of my eye, but just... couldn't sleep still.

I was home alone, so I took the time to just... break down until I felt like I could sleep, then sat in my bathtub aaaaand... there were three of us. Like, I said the lines are a lot more defined when there's a lot of stress, right? Well, sleep deprivation seems to really be the only time all our internal monologues can coexist. Also I downed an edible, but it hadn't had time to really kick in yet.

So there was me, then Kay (who was stressing because her last conversation with dad was about the psych ward stay), then the original, core one of us that we've dubbed Alice, who I can only describe as the kid who doesn't know why mom's hitting her and won't remember in the morning. I think I kept asking Kay if this is how she wants to be, but we got a little distracted with the other one who, uh... was a fucking surprise?

But again... we were fucking delirious and slowly getting high enough to finally sleep for about 14 hours. It wasn't until she was describing it to the same therapist (with the preface "Obviously I don't have OSDD/DID") that he was like "Actually, that sounds exactly like what that is." and that was the theme of the session.

There was still a bit of denial, though. I mean, I was an absolute dickwad who only came out when things were going terribly wrong, so it felt like the best thing to do was to hunker down each time and hope a nap would hit the reset button.

I'd occasionally talk with my friendly neighborhood @lizardywizard who helped field possible names, since I was still using our deadname, and it seemed like another little spur in everything going smoothly.

Then this week, there was an electrolysis session that was a looot more painful than it should have been, and I was fronting again by the end of it. Then woke up, still fronting. Then another day. Then Friday wasn't for a bit... and then someone kept startling me by SCREAMING at the top of their lungs somewhere in the mall, and wouldn't you know it, fronting again.

So I've basically had a week where there hasn't actually been any specific emotional turmoil, but I've just... existed, and been conscious of the fact it's me. There's loads of dysphoria, though. I'm not sure how I'm sandwiched between two transfems and still a guy, but it probably explains why I've felt so much kinship with transmascs lately, since, well... twelve years of transitioning medically has got me at the point where I'm not able to pass as my assigned gender at birth, but I'm sure as hell not detransitioning, so I'm having to get some tips for making it a little more bearable to effectively wake up almost fully transitioned?

I obviously already had the binder, and I tend to wear loose clothes anyways, plus the undercut looks very femme down, but looks masc as hell when I tie it back. Even the FFS I've been recovering from is pretty okay. I wear a mask all the time anyways, and it just made me even more twinkish than before, which goes great with the goth look.

I'm still figuring a lot of things out, but suddenly having all this time to not be, well... a scary voice in someone's head has given me enough time to think things over. I never wanted to exist as someone's trauma response like a sacrificial doll anytime there's pain. I've been so confused on what to do, though, because that's really all I've been since, what, ten years old? But I'm not getting tossed through conversion therapy, I'm not in a religious school that hates queer people, the meth addicted fucker is long long gone, and I barely have contact with mom. Without those things putting me on edge, I'm... normal. I'm alright to be around, just a goth twink who likes music and, I'm finding, is INCREDIBLY GAY, like painfully gay and I kind of love it because it's just another way I stand out in my own head amongst the asexual bambi lesbians.

I don't know how long this'll last. I haven't fronted this frequently since, well... before Kay. So, sinceI don't seem to be going away anytime soon, I figured I'd introduce myself here:

I'm Noah. I'm looking forward to meeting some of y'all, and to the scalie buddy who helped me figure out the name... thanks for making me feel real, man. It really means a lot to have someone I can talk to when I'm still hiding almost everywhere else.

" He's been a player since the cradle Aren't I lucky 'cause he could have chosen any girl to fuck with? And he chose me, so I guess I should be grateful No, no, no, no "

lulu   antariksa.     she/her.     cis   woman.      ›      spotted   at   the   met   steps   ,   ramona   sari   ,   most   likely   listening   to   not   another   rockstar   by   maisie   peters    with   their   airpods   pro   .   the   twenty-eight year   old   gained   quite   a   reputation   ,   known   to   be   -blunt   yet   +authentic   to   anyone   who   knows   them   .   you'll   easily   spot   them   when   you   hear   about   the   adrenaline   rush   of   racing   through   the   streets,   hair   that   perfectly   falls   into   place   after   being   blown   by   the   wind   and   backstage   lanyards   taking   up   shoeboxes   in   one’s   closet   ,   followed   by   sweet   leaf   by   room   1015   .   latest   nepoupdates   article   talks   about   how   she’s   thinking   of   leaving   the   band   to   go   back   to   racing   ,   but   i   guess   any   reputation   is   good   reputation   .

►GENERAL INFORMATION

FULL NAME: Ramona Citra Sari NICKNAME(S): Mona, Ra-Ra LABEL: The Dare Devil AGE: 28 DATE OF BIRTH: September 21, 1995 ZODIAC: Virgo Sun, Sagittarius Rising, Gemini Moon GENDER & PRONOUNS: Female; She/Her HERITAGE: German, Indonesian SPOKEN LANGUAGE(S): English OCCUPATION: Racecar Driver (RETIRED) / Lead Guitarist in Killer Instinkt SEXUALITY & ROMANCE: Bisexual; Biromantic

► APPEARANCE

FACE CLAIM: Lulu Antariksa HEIGHT: 5'3" WEIGHT: 112 lbs. DOMINANT HAND: Left HAIR COLOR: Brunette EYE COLOR: Hazel SCARS: None. TATTOOS: None.

►PERSONALITY

POSITIVE TRAITS: Authentic, Clever, Mature, Dauntless, Understanding, Open-Minded, Empathetic, Loyal, Athletic. NEGATIVE TRAITS: Sarcastic, Blunt, Self-Critical, Impulsive, Calculated, Childish, Impatient. LIKES: Advocacy, the screams at a concert, train rides without knowing the destination, car restoration, crushing egos, proving people wrong, magic tricks, fireworks, Sunday matinees, the adrenaline rush of a rollercoaster drop, carnival food, the crashing of the waves on the shore, 3am smoke sessions, leaving parties early, touring, meeting new people, Irish goodbyes. DISLIKES: Being told she can't do something, people with inflated egos, bullies, people who attempt to use her for clout, those pressuring her to go back to racing, when people talk about her friends or family disrespectfully, feeling misunderstood.

►MENTALITY

PHOBIAS: None. DISORDERS: PTSD ALLERGIES: Seasonal (Pollen)

►BACKGROUND

HOMETOWN: Buffalo, NYC CURRENT RESIDENCE: Manhattan, NYC EDUCATION LEVEL: BS in Health Science, MS in Sports Science FAMILIAL CONNECTIONS: -Annisa Sari - Mother, Deceased -Gunnar Sari - 53, Father

►FAVORITES

FOOD: Trashcan Pizza DRINK: Monster Energy MOVIE: Everything Everywhere All at Once TV SHOW: Rick and Morty, Bob's Burgers ARTIST/BAND: Green Day, Maisie Peters, Red Hot Chili Peppers, Nirvana SONG: Not Another Rockstar - Maisie Peters

► EXTRA INFORMATION

JUNG TYPE: ESTP ENNEAGRAM: The Activist (1w2) TEMPERAMENT: Sanguine MORAL ALIGNMENT: Neutral Good SIN: Lust VIRTUE: Humility ELEMENT: Air CHARACTER PLAYLIST

"You'd leave me dead if it'd set you apart And I'm like, "Oh, goddamn, not another rockstar""

► BIOGRAPHY

TW; childbirth death, car accident

It was her birth that marked the death of her mother in upstate NY. The greatest event that altered the trajectory of the Sari family for the rest of their lives. Quickly relocating to the city, Ramona's father just couldn't take the scenery of the upstate environment; it just serving as a constant reminder of the partner he's lost. There was never blame on Ramona. As she grew up, her father attempted to make family time sacred. Most of the summers being spent in NJ and going to the race track. Being the youngest of three and the only daughter, Ramona was no stranger to playing with worms and sparing with her older brothers. In fact, she also raced cars alongside them in younger leagues. What no one expected, was for Ramona to be the one to continue on with a career in Nascar. Well, her father always knew. "You are the quickest one when the light turns green," is what he'd always say. Ramona being quickly penned as the Speed Demon of racing as young as 17. She was a star, but never truly wanted to be. She just had a love for racing, much like she holds a love for music. Though, her love for music usually drew musicians to her - Ramona seemed to live a double life for a while: racecar driver by day, "groupie" by night. Her life shifted again when a freak accident happened to land her in a car pile-up that she couldn't find her way escaping out of. Her memories lost from a major concussion that took her out of racing for good by doctor's orders. At this point, the woman didn't mind. She slowly regained her memories, and shifted her life to being a lead guitarist for Killer Instinkt; a band she created with her good friends. Recently, there's been talks of Ramona going back to racing and leaving the band. One doesn't know if it's because of her secret drag races in the early AMs, or if it was through the grapevine.

► DEEP DIVE

Ramona was always the bigger person. Growing up, she was the first to reach out to talk to her brothers when they were fighting and offering an olive branch. Though she shows maturity in this way, she can be quite a fiery personality when it comes to sticking up for others. She was always on the front lines of protesting; making sure those without a voice were heard, and fighting for rights of minorities. Ramona is quite artistic beyond the realm of music, she can draw and paint. This is something that her father believed was a blessing from her mother and Ramona likes how it connects her to the woman she's never been able to meet. Ramona is a little shit stirrer at times. Because she gains attention from those with inflated egos, she tends to lead them on and crush those egos. It's her fun little past time, okay? She loves to game, and go out and dance. She has a wicked sense of humor and a chill personality if you don't rub her the wrong way. She can be blunt, but it's just because she's honest and expects people to appreciate the truth as opposed to sugar coated lies. You can catch her onstage rocking out, or in the pit having the time of her life. Also loves late night conspiracy theories with a smoke session.

Can't Have Shit in Okinawa

WHUMPTOBER 2023, DAY 8: “I’ve got soul, but I’m not a soldier.” Overcrowded ER | Outnumbered | “It’s all for nothing.”

I didn't go into this Whumptober expecting to write so much comedy or comedy-adjacent entries, but oh well, may as well embrace it now.

I took the ER prompt because all of the others sounded too… hardcore for me, I guess? I'm way too damn soft. Even then, I decided I may as well make it humorous. Not sure I'm into the spirit of Whumptober this year.

I only recently realized that I had never written anything KojiMaki in my entire life… which is weird, since would you ask me, I'd tell you they're the best romantic character dynamic in all of CT. Yeah, I know, the bar is cosmically low, but it's true, right? Good parallels, actual chemistry, agressive support… it's got it all. WY really fed us well, man. They're not my fav ship (as my stupidly high number of MatsuYoshi fics will happily demonstrate for me), but they're the best written one imho.

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Can't Have Shit in Okinawa

Summary: It's not because your date has ended in the ER that you can't bicker about it with your partner!

Fandom: Captain Tsubasa

Word Count: 1K words

AO3 version available here.

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It’s not where their date was supposed to end; but sometimes, you simply don’t have control over what happens. Sometimes, a last-minute idea from your partner brings you a good surprise! And at others, they get hurt and you end up in a spot that’s not quite as fun.

Or, like, the complete opposite of fun.

“I thought the emergency room was meant for that. Emergencies.”

She’s lost count of how many times her boyfriend has sighed since they’ve arrived here.

“It’s meant to be, at least. You’ve never been in one before?”

He stares back at her, very much unamused.

“I was unconscious the only time I did, how was I s’pposed to know they sucked ass?!”

“It’s a well-known phenomenon! I didn’t think I’d have to explain that to you!”

“Maybe you should’ve asked before, then!”

“Where else was I going to bring you anyway?”

“I dunno, just a regular doctor would’ve been fine!”

“You were bleeding buckets, you idiot!”

“Yeah, and?”

“Well I wasn’t gonna fix that myself, now, was I?”

“You could’ve, I dunno, tried!”

“I’m no doctor!”

“It’s just a damn scrape, Maki! No need to worry so much about it!”

“It’s a bleeding gash the depth of a ping-pong ball, Kojiro!”

“That’s the weirdest comparison I’ve ever heard.” He looks around. “Oh fuck, they’re all staring at us.”

“Gee, I wonder why.”

Don’t get her wrong, she loves him to bits, but her boyfriend is the loudest person on Earth. Oh, and also, he’s a world-famous soccer player. As in, “outstanding name in a list of outstanding names” famous. The guy is a world champion and stuff. That may not help much, in their case, because it did not grant them a priority queue, and also, people do stare at them. A lot.

The ER, as the legend foretold, is cramped and overcrowded. There are people who are here for all sorts of stuff, from terrifying bug bites the size of a softball glove to what Maki can only assume to be people who should’ve just to their local pharmacy. There’s always at least one of those and they will always get called before you, the legend also says.

Among the things Maki has in common with her boyfriend, one of them is a natural knack for impatience. She hates standing in one spot and waiting for things to happen. Powerlessness is an annoyance at best and a deep-rooted phobia at worst. Right now, luckily, it’s just a lot of annoyance at things being horrible, frigidly slow.

In short: the ER, with its awfully slow pace and dozens of people screaming, crying or even chatting very loudly on their phones, is stuff of nightmares for her. If she was here all on her own, a part or her would be terrified, yes – on the other hand, she happens to be here with someone else, who barely seems to care that they have to be there waiting on uncomfortable plastic chairs to begin with.

She glances back at Kojiro. He seems mildly bothered by everything around him, the now rust-coloured towel still on his thigh. Occasionally, he takes a sharp inhale mostly through his right nostril and looks even more mildly bothered. People are still staring at him.

“That stupid thing’s stopped bleeding anyway,” he says as he leans back. “Can we go back to your place, now? Fuck this ER shit, I can do a zig-zag stitch too.”

A mother with her snot-filled kid is glaring at him, her face oh so offended.

“You’re not for real, right?”

He now actually looks displeased.

“What? Do I look so, I dunno, like a brute that I can’t sew?”

“That’s not what I said! I’m just sayin’, you’re no doctor, so don’t stitch your own wounds close!”

Kojiro responds to that by getting his phone out.

“Eh, whatever. There’s probably a tutorial for that on YouTube.”

Maki can only gawk at him. That guy is considered the cream of the crop in his category but man can he be awfully stupid. She loves him for all of his highs and lows, but he’s really dense as a brick when he wants to. Also, for all of his ranting about his friends from the national team being self-sacrificing idiots, he has the tendencies as well.

Actually, come to think of it… Maybe if she tips the scales, she could make him realize how bad it’s getting. That’s what couples do, right? Communicate. They communicate so things don’t explode in a big ball of fire.

“Hey… Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah?”

The woman with the snotty kid are called. Their turn may finally come soon; which, God, not too soon. The air here is stale, cramped and overall suffocating.

“If I was gonna do the same thing to you, which is having a bleeding gash the depth of a ball and say it’s no biggie, I’m gonna stitch it myself, what would you do?”

Now, he looks downright pissed.

“Why’re you even askin’ me that? It’s damn obvious!” His shoulders rise even further. “I’m bringin’ you to the hospital no questions asked!”

“Yeah, that makes sense, right?” She pokes his chest. “So why won’t you get it through your thick skull, hmmm?”

His anger changes into surprise.

“Dammit.”

“See? Not hard to understand! I’m worried and I don’t want you hurt even further, so be a good lil’ kitty and stay put until we get called!”

“Did you just call me a kitten because of my—”

“I’ll call you a tiger again when you’re back on your feet and not profusely bleeding in my backyard!” She breathes out and tries calming down as best as she can. “I know it’s annoying, I don’t like being here either, but it’s for your own good, I swear. And, if you don’t wanna think about yourself… then think your mom would be much more reassured to know you got to see a doctor and got it stitched right!”

He scratches the back of his neck a little sheepishly.

“You’re right there, I guess.”

“I just know you, after a while!” She leans against him. “You should stop being all rough like that. You’re supposed to also lean on me when you need help.”

He leans back in the other direction, his head softly landing on top of hers.

“…Yeah.”

Eventually, a nurse comes and calls their names – finally.