#why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just not have trauma why can’t I just not have any mental illnesses
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Vent? I guess?? More like talking about this INSANE guy omg
This guy has got to be the worst person I have ever fucking met omg
they never respect boundaries, even SIMPLE ones, like: kissing ppl on the cheek without consent, name calling, trauma dumping, touching
and this guy isn’t even confirmed he has autism, which is fine normally. Because neither am I, and so are most people.
but this mother fucker has gone to TWO offical autistic tests and BOTH said he didn’t have it, but the iNtErNeT quiz said he did so I guess he has it-
said I probably have adhd because I have daddy issues???
has kissed me and my bsf on the cheek without asking and when we confronted him he said he has ‘memory issues’ and doesn’t remember it (it happened only hours prior). Then had a panic attack since we ‘cornered him’ (I texted him on discord)
he CONSTANTLY trauma dumps, like he’d just walk up to me and without even saying hello he’d rant about his ‘broken foot’ or how ‘he hasn’t slept for three weeks straight’
and he so obviously fakes every mental illness and disability ever, it’s annoying bruhhhh. He’s half blind, half death, has scoliosis, schizophrenia, Tourette’s, autism, pregnancy? And so much more I can’t even name (none of these are officially confirmed either, and he only ‘uses’ or has the disability randomly on a blue moon when no one is talking to him)
once when I was getting kicked in the legs and being called useless by a shitty friend he laughed along and agreed I was useless, so in our next class we shared I refused to partner with him and just sat down at my desk. I was his only friend in that class but I didn’t care.
he slammed his chair into the desk, cried and ran out the room. When the teacher asked what’s wrong he went on a rant how ‘no body likes him and how he hates the school’, The teacher offered to be his partner but he said no and just ran outside..
then behind my back to my REAL friends he said I was being a cold asshole to him for no reason?
this mother fucker has faked a pregnancy for two years straight.
when I was dating this guy he sent me his kink list and said ‘I’m fucked if he gets horny’. We’re both minors, just started dating, and he knows I’m asexual.
AND THATS NOT EVEN ALL
once we were making some spicy butter chicken at school, and he was in charge of crushing and adding the spice.
when I ate my butter chicken it was really spicy to me, and I know I’m very sensitive to foods and people like to tease me about it. Which is funny and I can laugh along with it.
but this guy just kept and kept on making fun of me nonstop, calling me a pussy for not handling the spice and how I was ‘so white’ for how i was acting.
so I said- ‘maybe since I’m autistic I take it differently then most others?’ And I thought he’d sympathise since he’s also ‘autistic’.
nope.
motherfucker said ‘erm- well- my autistic level is higher then yours so-👆🤓’
WHAT
what does that got to do with ANYTHING!?? And you don’t even have a confirmed ‘autistic level’, neither do I?? What even is that!??
I hate this guy so muchhhh, the ONLY reason I keep him around in the friend group is because I’m worried he’ll victim blame himself again and make me look bad. Also because as cruel as it sounds, the drama he brings is so entertaining.
luckily my friend group agrees this guy is toxic as fuck and annoying, I’m planning on cutting him from the group the next time he does something fucked up to me again so I can call him out.
because dear GOD is he so annoying..
Idk why I even dated him bruh.. I think he’s what made me aro-ace and that not all relationships are just ‘friendships with extra hand holding’
#Vent#Guy at school#new sona?#Omg?#felt like being a woman today#Ex boyfriend#asexual#autism#toxic people
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I sometimes think sunny think about basil more than basil think about sunny, even though most people see basil a bit yandare ,stalkerish. From the og I don’t believe he has those traits, you can say he is very obsessed, but to me is more of his desperation calling for help towards sunny, the only person known what’s he is hiding.
Basil is not as clingy , maybe emotionally but not physically. What I meant is he considers other feelings than him but at the last tree days it’s probably his limits.He behaves too well to the point he breaks and starts acting weird. A lot of people believe is, Basil was about to commit suicide after getting the photo album. He was already in a very low point of his life, if he is obsessed with sunny he would have wanted to see him one last time but he didn’t. But sunny appears, and he still probably decided to kill him self anyway, giving away his precious item to sunny even before knowing sunny is leaving. Then was the river scene, I personally think he might have the thought to drown himself after one last time seeing their old favorite hang out spot . But unexpectedly met Aubrey and her friends. (This might be more of a stretch)
Let’s compare the hiki route, where the last scene with the siren, many assumed it’s because basil still committed suicide, and that siren is for him. In this order, he probably didn’t get the photo album and trying to get it, before getting it the last straw was his grandma passing away.
All of these, there’s never any creepy clingy behavior of wanting , forcing himself to seeing sunny, he made up his mind very long time ago actually . And the only difference is sunny wanted to see him (or not
#I’m just personally protective towards basil bc the hate#I felt like he is very considerate towards sunny feelings emotion and giving him space#on the other hand sunny done none towards basil but a fantasy world of his own#I don’t blame sunny I think it’s a normal reaction to trauma#the responsibility is on him and he can’t deal with it and I know in this situation basil definitely has less#but like yes I’m salty and a dumb basil defender the amount of people see sunny as angel and basil done all the wrong just mess me so much#what do you mean it will be better like sunny sister will magically be alive again?#the amount of people denying sunny in the wrong is amazing yes I know you like him but it’s like not he has never done wrong#like he is so passive and stable the what? I know basil is weird but like hell you understand sunny why you differ basil situation#I think the game is telling you to face what you have done#good now we forget and clear all responsibility from sunny
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There's something else about Roman I've always noticed. Well, twice in Season 3. In episode 2 he says ironically the siblings are 20 something transgender dreamers, as in "we're obviously older cisgender non-dreamers", not touching upon their sexualities, and in episode 6 he says to Shiv when they arrive in the ultraconservative political conference that she'll soon get "white cis male stank all over you", not mentioning sexuality either. Like, if at least HE is present, gayness is assured, that's how I've always read it lol
yeah! i don’t think it’s, like, proof of anything like in my mind it’s less that gayness is assured if he’s there and more that jesse is deliberately leaving that part open-ended for all the siblings given that thus far all of them (barring connor i think) have had some pretty questionable same-sex interactions/other certain implications i must say. like idk i definitely don’t think roman would refer to himself as gay right now or maybe ever — i don’t think he’d refer to himself as any sexuality bc he doesn’t even know what’s going there, and until he undergoes a fuckton of therapy and unimaginable healing, i don’t think he’ll get there. personally i’m less in the gay roman camp than the ??????????roman camp like i honestly don’t think this man feels sexual attraction to people, but i don’t quite think he’s asexual either. i think he does feel sexual desire but not for specific people, more just generally or in relation to a power dynamic or a feeling more than anything else. but i do not think he ever looks at someone and goes “whew. they’re hot.” — i think he’s trained himself to bc he knows he’s supposed to, but innate attraction is something he’s never been able to comprehend. he’s never attracted to people so much as he is the relationship they have with him or the way that they view him. i think a lot of it depends too on whether you think he’s a victim of CSA or not which personally is a coin flip for me tbh — definitely possible, but i don’t think it’s the only explanation. he’s definitely too traumatized for intimacy but i don’t think that trauma necessarily has to be CSA, bc a lot of the shit we canonically know ab his childhood really adds up with his behavior in the present
sorry this got way outta control lol just thinking thoughts living life xx
#soooo many thoughts on roman’s sexuality and how for him it is inextricably tied to his sense of abnormality. that’s why it can’t be#gay or bi or straight — even being gay or bi is still a THING . like there’s a name for that. but w roman i think he fits into absolutely no#categories or labels. like it goes way beyond sexuality. he thinks there’s something fundamentally wrong with him like in his brain or his#dick or something that has crossed his pleasure sexuality etc receptors and made them go haywire. like he thinks there’s something so wrong#w him that there isn’t even a name for it that he’s the only one to ever experience it. like yes so much of roman comes back to love but i#think an equal amount of him comes back to abnormality too — his desperation to be normal and his deeply internalized sureness that he isn’t#like idk man. i just think if hr was something that was easily identifiable jed have a lot less issues. if he’s any distinct sexuality i’d#say asexual bc it’s the most Wrong in the roy family like even worse than homosexuality bc at least there you have sex. and all this family#knows how to do is talk about sex — literally every single situation is spoken about solely thru the language of fucking#but really i think it’s way too complicated to call it anything in particular bc so much of it has gotten confused by trauma#LOL sorry for ramble#asks#anon#succession#TW SA#casey shut the fuck up about roman roy#roman roy
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i really hated the trend that I still see sometimes of random users (usually with big platforms) going “I just realized [very normal thing] is a trauma response!! 😱” and then having a bunch of people in the comments who trust their word get confused and wonder if they have possible repressed memories
as someone with what feels like an almost 6 year gap in my memories, it’s very annoying to see people who are most likely okay, just being like: “me I’m so traumatized LOL!!” because it’s not fun! It’s actually not funny if you’re traumatized! Trauma responses actually are kinda debilitating actually!!
they would list things that are “trauma responses” and they’d all be acceptable, but as soon as trauma responses that severely impact people come up (hypersexuality, paraphilic disorders, dissociative disorders, personality disorders) they’re suddenly not so accepting. this is what trauma does! people should not be expected to only have the more tolerable responses to trauma because it is often something that can ruin lives! that’s why it’s trauma!
it is not another quirky character trait for you to assign yourself on instagram stories it is genuine pain and suffering that should not be taken lightly
#obvs maybe some people did have trauma#but no!! not everything means you are actually traumatized and didn’t know about it#and that’s a good thing! you don’t want to be traumatized#especially with repressed memories. the trauma still comes through! just cause you can’t remember doesn’t mean you don’t feel the pain!#I often find myself wishing I remember if only to understand why I’m suffering so much even if it would only make me suffer more#none of it is fun#please be normal about mentally Ill people I’m begging#🐥talking#actually traumatized#paraphilia mention#actually dissociative
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i’m back ‘home’ for the holidays so i’m almost certainly about to go through a horrific depressive episode! great! that’ll either mean that i’m on tumblr way way more, or way way less, idk yet lol.
#wren speaks#family is just… idk. l’enfer c’est les autres… but more like l’enfer c’est la famille.#i struggle with being around people at all. but especially my parents. i mean honestly i’m that way BECAUSE of my parents#i watched mommie dearest on the plane and i was like ‘yeah thats normal’ so make of that what you will#i was doing better for like a week or two and then it all came crashing down as this trip ‘home’ approached.#suicidal ideation is normal for me but it went from passive ideation to passive AND active and also more frequent#i mean i’m fine. i’m always fine. i always manage it and i do it alone.#but my point being. coming ‘home’ after the freedom and peace of living alone always hits me hard.#and i guess my meds and therapy are working cause i’m able to FEEL things (when i’m usually too dissociated from my emotions to feel at all)#but feeling things means feeling sadness and anger and the emotions built up from the trauma.#and even feeling happy is so bittersweet though i can’t find the right words to explain why…#um. anyway.#this isn’t relevant idk why i’m rambling on. guess i’ve been told to try journaling so maybe this is a little like that ha.#well i’m okay and i’ll eventually settle in it’s just hard at first. and i have therapy in a few days so it’s all good.
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also the favoritism thing is still making me so fucking mad and insane btw. im not jealous / resentful of my brother bc he deserves her love and is also burdened in his own ways by it and bc i think my drama w my mom has shaped my life in profound ways and given me friends i cherish and i would never trade any of that for the world but jesus fucking christ. why do i have to beg you to interact with me like a mother. why do i have to talk to me at all beyond asking me to do you 847439473 favors a day. why do i have to beg you to take an interest in my life and apologize when you hurt me and be nurturing and perceptive for once in your fucking life. like it hurts to hear her asking him about his classes and whatever bc she didn’t think i was stressed out w school but i had to talk to a ****** hotline last decemver when i couldn’t take it anymore and my mental health was crashing and burning and it doesn’t even fucking matter to her at all and she’s going to get him the nice gifts and throw him the nice parties and whatever because she hates me and my sister for… and let me get this straight… being complicated and anxious and depressed and also girls. lol!
#purrs#delete later#sorry i knowive been insane about momposting but this shit has me screeching like an ape. the way when my brother was born she decided me#and my sister would be okay with each other bc we were twins and meanwhile she was leaving my sister to have anxiety attacks and me to take#care of her and all of this happening at like 7 years old and she would come into my brothers room every single night and kiss him goodnight#and talk to him for a long time and she wouldn’t even come in and say goodnight to us. LOL. ok. like our room being a depression nest is not#an excuse. us not helping out much in the kitchen or around the house (which is bad but also we have reasons for it that i think are valid#and i only do it here and not elsewhere btw.) is not a good excuse. you can’t decide you love your one kid more because he helps out and#keeps his room clean and whatever. maybe he is normal because you made it very clear from the time that he was born that he was your top#priority and you gave him your attention and didn’t take it away meanwhile my sister and i have always had to share bc we’re twins and she#cast us aside when he was born and has fucking tormented both of us for years over who we like what we want where we go all of that shit and#then has the AUDACITY to call herself a good mother. being a good mother is more than feeding your kid and projecting your childhood trauma#onto them by preventing them from ever developing cancer to the point where they’re afraid fo like. go outside. you have to be patient and#nurturing and kind and like.. motherly. ans i know no one can be a perfect mother and she has been hurt so badly and she is dealing with a l#lot right now but COME ON. for gods SAKE. i am right fucking here. why don’t you care about me? why do you make it clearer every day?#ask to tag#like the way she would say when my sister and i were growing up and going through it that she wished she could book a hotel and live there f#far away from us and miss out on us growing up so she wouldn’t have to deal with us being anxious and hormonal because we were teenage girls#LOL. totally did not impact me at all. totally is not a wound that informs every breath i take and every thought i have. not at all#* like maybe he is normal because you uh… idk. just a guess here. actually gave him the motherlove people need to be functioning healthy#human beings? idk. just a silly thought. haha
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#nini’s nonsense#i just want to cry#like endlessly#and move. across the sea would be a good start.#and a new name. i feel like at this point i deserve one. i am entitled to one.#and cry. did i say cry?#and maybe murder ngl#why do things like this keep happening. well i mean i know why but still. every time i think i can breathe easy. even a little. life says ha#no never mind prank. and it is just so exhausting because i am expected to function like a normal human when insane things keep happening to#me and i just. i can’t even properly have a breakdown because no one really knows it all and just. *screams*#then again who would i even tell. how would i even say this. hiiiii *presents all my trauma* ashdhdjfjf#maybe i just need to sleep. but i can’t really do that now can i *cries*#sometimes i wonder if i will ever know peace or calm and i just. i’m starting to believe the answer is no#anyways sorry to anyone who reads this i am very sad and am unable to pick up a pen atm. so tumblr it is
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working on the next little update of my steve fic and i kind of want to cry :D
#strikethroughs are my Thing okay#they serve a purpose with my steve thoughts#bUT GOD WHO IS LETTING ME THINK THESE THINGS#WHY CAN’T I EVER JUST HAVE A NORMAL HEADCANON ABOUT HIM#steve i love you i’m so sorry i’m always being mean to you but if no one else will take your trauma seriously i will#and that’s exactly what this fic is#(lol)#aaaaaaaaaaanyway!#going to sleep now#just wanted to share this somewhere#goodnight
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terrible horrible bad habit of looking at any of my f/os and going “pretty boy!!” over and over again almost instinctively
#agh last night i was getting worked up about ryou’s BELT of all things. i’m a mess#that one illustration of him and yamiba with the monster world themed background… awoog#NOT IN A SUGGESTIVE WAY no it had something to do with like. god he wears belts. why does this stand out to me#it’s the way it’s not tucked in completely on yamiba AGSJDHSK OKAY I NEED TO DROP THIS#waaaaah and marik’s eyes as usual… driving me insane….#he’s so expressive i love all the expressions he makes <3 even if most of them are him getting worked up about something agdjdhs#and his + yamima’s nose scrunch!!! aaaaa!!! still gets me weak#says this about. very antagonistic and reactive people who have or tried to kill people before AGDJFHDKS#god but i love them. so much. they’ve done bad things and they’ve made big mistakes and somenof them didn’t get redeemed in canon but#my own bias is making me see things in ways they probably weren’t meant to be seen so that’s okay </3#i don’t know i’ve been thinking about marik in the latter half of battle city again and just. agh#he never fails to get me on the verge of tears lol everything about him just… makes me want to make things better for him#and i’ve been thinking specifically about that part in yamima and mai’s duel where he stops to talk to the pharaoh about the sealofmemories#and maybe it was just a silly thing to rub in the fact that marik has trauma or whatever. maybe it was to get on the pharaoh’s nerves#but i can’t help but think maybe yamima does genuinely hold those feelings and that resentment like marik does#maybe he doesn’t distance himself from it as much as he seems to act like it. i don’t know#anyway. what was i ssaying#oh right pretty boys!! boys. boyfriends. loves of my life. a#rghrrgrh chewing on them like a chew toy i ahte them and love them so much who gave any of them the right to be so pretty#quartzshipping
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On being Jewish, and traumatized (It’s been 5 months and I want to talk):
Judaism is a joyous religion. So much of our daily practice is to focus us on the things that are good. I know that there’s a joke that all our holidays can be summed up as “they tried to kill us. We survived – let’s eat!”, and you might think that holidays focused on attempts at killing us might be somber, but they’re really not. Most are celebrated in the sense of, “we’re still here, let’s have a party!” When I think about practicing Judaism, the things I think about make me happy.
But I think a lot of non-Jews don’t necessarily see Judaism the same way. I think in part it’s because we do like to kvetch, but I think a lot of it is because from the outside it’s harder to see the joy, and very easy to see the long history of suffering that has been enacted on the Jewish people. From the inside, it’s very much, “we’re still here, let’s party” and from the outside it’s, “how many times have they tried to kill you? Why are you celebrating? They tried to KILL YOU!”
And I want to start with that because a lot of the rest of this is going to be negative. And I don’t want people to read it and wonder why I still want to be Jewish. I want to be Jewish because it makes me happy. My problem isn’t with being Jewish, it’s with how Jews are treated.
What I really wanted to write about is being Jewish and the trauma that’s involved with that right now.
First, I want to talk about Israeli Jews. I can’t say much here because I’m not Israeli, nor do I have any close friends or family that are Israeli. But if I’m going to be talking about the trauma Jews are experiencing right now, I can’t not mention the fact that Israeli Jews (and Israelis that aren’t Jewish as well, but that’s not my focus here) are dealing with massive amounts of it right now. It’s a tiny country – virtually everyone has a friend or family member that was killed or kidnapped, or knows someone who does. Thousands of rockets have been fired at Israel in the last few months – think about the fact that the Iron Dome exists and why it needs to. Terror attacks are ongoing; I feel like there’s been at least one every week since October. Thousands of people are displaced from their homes, either because of the rocket fire, or because their homes and communities were physically destroyed in the largest pogrom in recent history – the deadliest single day for Jews since the Holocaust ended. If that’s not trauma inducing, I don’t know what is.
And there is, of course, the generational trauma. And I think Jewish generational trauma is interesting because it’s so layered. Because it’s not just the result of one trauma passed down through the generations. Every 50-100 years, antisemitism intensifies, and so very frequently the people experiencing a traumatic event were already suffering from the generational trauma that their grandparents or great grandparents lived through. And those elders were holding the generational trauma from the time before that. And so on.
And because it happens so regularly, there’s always someone in the community that remembers the last time. We are never allowed the luxury of imagining that we are safe. We know what happened before, and we know that it happened again and again and again. And so we know that it only makes sense to assume it will happen in the future. The trauma response is valid. I live in America because my great grandparents lived in Russia and they knew when it was time to get the hell out in the 1900s. And the reason they knew that is because their grandparents remembered the results of the blood libels in the 1850s. How can we heal when the scar tissue keeps us safe?
I look around now and wonder if we’ll need to run. We have a plan. I repeat, my family has a plan for what to do if we need to flee the country due to religious persecution. How can that possibly be normal? And yet, all the Jewish families I know have similar plans. It is normal if you’re Jewish. Every once in a while I see someone who isn’t Jewish talk about making plans to leave because they’re LGBTQ or some other minority and the question always seems to be, “should I make a plan?” It astounds me every time. The Jewish answer is that you need to have a plan and the only question is, “when should I act?” Sometimes our Jewish friends discuss it at play dates. Where will you go? What are the triggers to leave? No one wants to go any earlier then they have to. Everyone knows what the price of holding off too long might be.
I want to keep my children safe. When do I induct them into the club? When do I let my sweet, innocent kids know that some people will hate them for being Jewish? When do I teach them the skills my parents and grandparents taught me? How to pass as white, how to pass as Christian, knowing when to keep your mouth shut about what you believe. When do I tell them about the Holocaust and teach them the game “would this person hide me?” How hard do I have to work to remind them that while you want to believe that a person would hide you, statistically, most people you know would not have? Who is this more traumatic for? Them, to learn that there is hatred in the world and it is directed at them, or me, to have to drive some of the innocence out of my own children’s eyes in order to make sure they are prepared to meet the reality of the world?
And the reality of the world is that it is FULL of antisemitism. There’s a lot of…I guess I’d call it mild antisemitism that’s always present that you just kinda learn to ignore. It’s the sort of stuff that non-Jews might not even recognize as antisemitic until you explain it to them, just little micro-aggressions that you do your best to ignore because you know that the people doing it don’t necessarily mean it, it’s just the culture we live in. It can still hurt though. I like to compare it to a bruise: you can mostly ignore it, but every once in a while something (more blatant antisemitism) will put a bit to much pressure on it and you remember that you were already hurting this whole time.
On top of the background antisemitism, there’s more intense stuff. And usually the most intense, mask off antisemitism comes from the right. This makes sense, in that a lot of right politics are essentially about hating the “other” and what are Jews if not Western civilizations oldest type of “other”? On the one hand, I’ve always been fortunate enough to live in relatively liberal areas so this sort of antisemitism has felt far away and impersonal – they hate everybody, and I’m just part of everybody. On the other hand, until recently I’ve always considered this the most dangerous source of antisemitism. This is the antisemitism that leads to hate crimes, that leads to synagogue shootings. This is the reason why my synagogue is built so that there is a long driveway before you can even see the building, and that driveway is filled with police on the high holidays. This is the reason why my husband and I were scared to hang a mezuzah in our first apartment (and second, and third). For a long time, this was the antisemitism that made me afraid.
But the left has a problem with antisemitism too. And it has always been there. Where the right hates the “other”, the left hates the “privileged/elite/oppressors.” It’s the exact same thing, just dressed up with different words. They all mean “other” and “other” means “Jew.” It hurts more coming from the left though. A lot of Jewish philosophy leans left. A lot of Jews lean left. So when the left decides to hate us, it isn’t a random stranger, it’s a friend, and it feels like a betrayal.
One of the people I follow works for Yad Vashem, and a few weeks ago she mentioned a video they have with testimonies from people who came to Israel after Kristallnacht, with an unofficial title of “The blow came from within.” The idea is that to non-German Jews, the Holocaust was something done by strangers. It was still terrible, but it is easier to bear the hate of a stranger – it’s not personal. But to German Jews, the Holocaust was a betrayal. It wasn’t done by strangers, it was done by coworkers, and neighbors and people they thought were friends. It was done by people who knew them, and still looked at them and said, “less than human.” And because of this sense of betrayal, German survivors, or Germans who managed to get out before they got rounded up, had a very different experience than other Holocaust victims.
And I feel like a lot of left leaning Jews are having a similar experience now. People that we’ve marched with or organized with, or even just mutuals that we’ve thought of as friends are now going on about how Jews are evil. They repeat antisemitic talking points from the Nazis and from the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, and when we point out that those ideas have only led to Jewish death in the past they don’t care. And if someone you thought of as a friend thinks of you this way, what do you think a stranger might think? Might do?
The Jews are fucking terrified. I’ve seen a post going around that basically wonders if this was what it was like for our ancestors – when things got bad enough to see what was coming but before it was too late to run? And we can see what’s coming. History tells us that they way people are talking and acting only leads to one place. I’m a millennial – when I was a kid the grandparents at my synagogue made sure the kids knew – this is what it looked like before, this is what you need to watch out for, this is when you need to run. I wonder where to run to. It feels like nowhere is safe.
I feel like I’ve been lucky in all this. I don’t live in Israel. I have family and acquaintances who do, but no one I’m particularly close to. Everyone I know in real life has either been sane or at least silent about all of this (the internet has been significantly worse, but when it comes to hate, the internet is always worse). I live in a relatively liberal area – there’s always been antisemitism around anyway, but it’s mostly just been swastikas on flyers, or people advocating for BDS, not anything that’s made me actually worry for my safety. But in the last 5 months there have been bomb threats at my synagogue, and just last week a kid got beat up for being Jewish at our local high school. He doesn’t want to report it. He’s worried it will make it worse.
I bought a Magen David to wear in November. At the time it seemed like the best way to fight antisemitism was to be visibly Jewish, to show that we’re just normal people like everyone else. Plus, I figured that if me being Jewish was going to be a problem for someone, then I would make it a problem right away and not waste time. I’ve worn it almost constantly since, but the one time I took it off was when I burnt my finger in December and had to go to urgent care. I didn’t think about it too much when I did it, but I thought about it for a long time after – I didn’t feel good about having made that choice.
The conclusion I came to is that the training that my elders had been so careful to instill in me kicked in. I was hurt, and scared, and the voice inside my head that sounds like my grandmother said, “don’t give them a reason to be bad to you. Fight when you’re well, but for now – survive.” It still felt cowardly, but it was also a connection to my ancestors who heeded the same voice well enough to survive. And it enrages me that that voice has been necessary in the past. And it enrages me that things are bad enough now that my instinct is that I need to hide who I am to receive appropriate medical care.
I wish I had some sort of final thought to tie this all together other than, “this sucks and I hate it,” but I really don’t. I could call for people to examine their antisemitic biases, but I’m not foolish enough to think that this will reach the people who need to do so. I could wish for a future where everything I’ve talked about here exists only in history books, and the Jewish experience is no longer tied to feeling this pain, but that’s basically wishing for the moshiach, and I’m not going to hold my breath.
I guess I’ll end it with the thought that through all of this hate and pain and fear, we’re still here. And we’re still joyful as well. As much as so many people have tried over literally THOUSANDS of years to eradicate us, I’m still here, I’m still Jewish, and being Jewish still makes me happy.
Am Yisrael Chai.
#antisemitism#judaism#venting#jumblr#long post#I'm not kidding it's like 2300 words#and it's a rambling mess#but i needed to vent#so help me god#if you show up in the notes and are being antisemitic I WILL find you and I WILL bite you
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𝐭𝐨 𝐡𝐚𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐨 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐞 [geto suguru]
synopsis: suguru geto upped and left that day without a moment’s notice and he took everything with him — your heart, your soul — but as you look at the positive pregnancy test in your hand, you realize that he did in fact leave one thing behind.
warnings: unplanned pregnancy, angst, explicit sex.
a/n: i know, i know. i should be writing WE but this concept has been in my head far longer than WE and i just need to get it out there or else, i think i’m gonna go insane. if anyone wants to know the plot of this would have been fic, feel free to let me know lmao, of course it still involves gojo bc i can’t choose between the two of them since they’re both so baby girl—! also happy birthday to the loml, my pookie-wookie, honeybunch, suguru geto!!
It’s been a year since the happy side trip to Okinawa became a living nightmare that culminated in you, Suguru Geto, and Satoru Gojo on the brink of death and with many more scars than you could have ever imagined. The three of you had very different ideas on how to cope. Satoru spends the past year perfecting his cursed technique, often at the expense of his emotional well-being and energy but then again, after what Toji Fushiguro did to him leaving him with the trauma of being slaughtered without regard, it was only natural.
You and Suguru on the other hand retreated into yourselves; it was hard to believe that just a year before the two of you were a normal teenage couple who enjoyed walking the trendy streets of Shibuya in the weekend sunshine without a care in the world, whose only real problem is to decide where the two of you were gonna have your weekly dates.
Now, things were different. Rainclouds have gathered effectively blocking out the sun. As you sat on the desk reading through your textbook on reverse cursed technique, you glance at Suguru from time to time and you aren’t the least bit surprised to see him sitting by the dorm room’s windowsill, staring at the garden with an empty gaze.
You’ve had enough of this. This eternal state of limbo was tearing you and Suguru apart.
Slowly, you stand up from the desk, softly padding across the wooden floor to where your boyfriend is. It was the middle of the night, last you checked, it’s already nine in the evening. You should be heading back to the women’s dorms now but you couldn’t, not when things were like this, not when Suguru’s losing himself day after day, you can’t help him, you know that, but you could be there for him seeing that’s all you can do.
But even then, it’s never enough.
Your relationship with Suguru is like a lit dynamite stick, you know that it’s only a matter of time before it also explodes in your faces. So, Suguru takes the lead, like he always does, he’s so much wiser and stronger than you in every way though he doesn’t care to admit it, though he pretends he doesn’t know why you’re so dependent on him.
“I think we should break up.”
He says that while holding your hand. You saw this coming but just how long did you anticipate that the love of your life would eventually up and leave you? You squeeze his hand with every ounce of the grief you are feeling hoping it would transcend the confines of your skin and it would reach his heart. “Is that what you really want?”
“No.”
He stands up to meet your gaze, the throw blanket falling to the floor as he does. He leans in closer, his hand cupping your cheek with such tenderness and heartache that you feel your heart rise to your throat. Suguru is normally so gentle like a shower of midnight rain, but he kisses you like this is the last — it probably is. Lost in him, your hands trail over his chest, and he deepens the kiss hoping that you’d also understand that he doesn’t really want to leave but he has to. He can’t bear to drag you into his mess.
He could never do that to you.
You respond with a soft moan when Suguru slowly lifts your shirt over your head. He stares at your plump breasts for a moment, covered only by a thin lace-like material, before deciding that looking at you wasn’t enough. He has to take you, ravish you, fondle you, kiss you. Anything to let you know that he’s not doing this because he’s fallen out of love with you.
“Don’t leave,” you plead in between his soft kisses to your breasts, tears slipping from your eyes as he removes your bra, letting it slip from your shoulders which he was now kissing up to the crook of your neck. How could your hearts be so full yet so empty at the same time?
None of what happened should have caused this much heartache between the two of you. In fact, it should have made you rely on each more, right? It should have strengthened you not destroy everything you had: each other, the future you planned together.
Suguru doesn’t answer as he nips at your neck, sucking on the delicate flesh, as your forms gracefully fall on the bed, he stares at you with such love, such devotion, and you wonder why this should be the last time. His gaze falls to your vulnerable form, his cock hardening at the sight of your clothed pussy getting wet just from that. He grinds against you, sighing at the way you buck your hips to meet his wanting more of him. If this was to be the last time, then, you want to make it count.
“Suguru, I’m yours.” That’s all he needs to hear and he removes your underwear, kissing down your leg as he slips it off of you. He tosses it onto his nightstand, and he leans towards it to grab a condom from his drawer. You catch his hand. “Don’t. I want to feel you.”
Suguru’s eyes widen at your request, his lips eliciting short huffs of breath. He’s never fucked you raw before. “Are you sure?”
You nod against his forehead. “Please. Please fuck me, Su.”
Slowly, his hand guiding his tip up and down your slit, smearing your wetness along the base of his cock before slowly pushing into you savoring the sensation of your cunt squeezing around him as he stretches you with his girth. A deep groan betrays him and his mouth hangs open as your tight walls envelop him as he bottoms out. He takes a moment to collect himself, not wanting to cum right then and there.
“S-shit. Ah, you’re so fucking tight.” He allows himself a small thrust, the tip of his cock already nudging your sensitive spot, having memorized you after many desperate nights of lovemaking. His fingers grip the soft skin of your hips as he pulls out momentarily before pushing back in again more forcefully this time.
“S-su! Mngh—please fuck me—I love you, I love you, I love you,” you beg.
A tear slips from Suguru’s eyes, it was becoming more real now — this final goodbye. He presses a gentle kiss to your forehead, his thumb brushing against your cheek as he slowly builds up the pace of his thrusts, his cock bullying your cunt, driving himself in and out of your pussy, again and again. He brings your leg to his waist, holding it so he could angle himself better. “I love you too.”
You mewl as he pistons in and out of you, his balls slapping hard against your skin. “Sugu—ah! More—n-need more of you—“ You’re crying now, and he is too as he continues to ravage your pussy, his hand finds your other leg and he pushes your knees close to your chest, folding you into a deep mating press, slamming into your cunt.
“I’m yours. Always,” Suguru looks into your eyes amidst your desperate cries, your thighs trembling under his passionate gaze. He grunts when he feels the familiar tightening of your walls. “You’re close—fuck,” he takes this as an incentive to go faster, harder, and he fucks you in a way he never has before.
“So good—oh—“ you fall silent as he suddenly brings your hands to your clit, letting you touch yourself. You looked so beautiful like this, under him, your head thrown back against the pillows, your mouth primed in a silent ‘o’. He pants as he feels his balls tighten when your hips involuntarily buck into him as you climax. “Suguru!”
“Ah, baby…” He groans, the hot breath from his lips tickling your forehead as he rides out his high, spilling his seed into you not caring what the consequences may be. You did want this after all, and he did too. You feel full just from the sensation of his thick cum, he thrusts into you one last time, further smearing his release in your walls.
You sighed as he stays there, your weak and trembling arms coming up to embrace him. He strokes your hair, memorizing each lock, pulling out after a while. Suguru pulls you flush against his chest, the remnants of his and your release sliding down your thighs. “It’ll be okay,” Suguru catches his breath, kissing your temple. “Even without me. You’ll be okay.”
“I won’t…you know I won’t.”
“You will.” He says firmly. “I promise. You know me, baby, I never break my promises.” You feel tears well up in your eyes again and he tenderly wipes it away. “I love you, (Y/N).”
“I love you too.”
By the next morning, you already knew with the way the AC’s cold air nips at your skin without Suguru, your Suguru, there to embrace you that he’s already left.
Without a note, without a goodbye. Typical of Suguru who doesn’t want to stick around to see you cry.
You curl into yourself as sobs wrack your body, the promise ring Suguru gave you gleaming under the rays of morning sunlight.
A few years later, just as Suguru said, things did get better. You smiled as you arranged the last of the tempura into the bento box filled with soba noodles with nori and small containers of mentsuyu and wasabi. It’s amazing how much she takes after him. You look at the clock and your face pales. You’re running late, so, you head upstairs to speed things up a little. You creak open the door to see the little blessing of your life, the last gift Suguru ever gave you. She’s looking at the picture of you and Suguru which you placed in her room, and since you know it was highly unlikely she’ll ever meet your lover in this lifetime, you’ve decided you want her to know him if by his appearance alone and the stories you tell her.
“Riko? We’re gonna be late,” you gently reminded your four-year-old daughter. You shoot her a funny look when you see the haphazard way she placed her hair in a bun. She pouts as she tries to get it right again, looking at her father’s picture intently. “Sweetheart, are you trying to look like—?”
“Like papa,” she huffs cutely and you chuckle, moving to pick her up and sit her down on your lap. Kissing her cheek, you also gaze at the picture depicting a candid you and Suguru during your first year at Tokyo Jujutsu Technical College. He has his arm wrapped around your shoulder, winking at the camera as he kisses your cheek, a silent gleeful laugh on your face.
You look at her, a little confused, you gently smooth her hair before planting a kiss between her eyebrows. “And why do you want to look like papa?” Riko shyly looks away, her ears turning a little red as she blushes, a trait she inherited from you. You flick her nose, giggling. “Well?” Riko laughs at the playful gesture.
“…So you don’t cry anymore, mama.” Your heart seems to have stopped beating for a moment and a warm, tearful smile appears on your face, wrapping Riko in a bone-crushingly tender hug. “Love you…” she sinks into the warmth of your hug and you kiss the top of her head.
“I love you, Riko. So…so…much.”
At that, your little girl sighs in relief. “School?” she tilts her head and you suddenly remembered the reason you went upstairs. You had to get moving. Your eyes widened and you carry her downstairs, being careful not to jostle her too much. “My hair, mama!” she giggles at her still unruly hair and you grimace in embarrassment. Suddenly, the front door opens and Riko sees who it is, before you could grab the spare brush from your bag, she suddenly jumps out of your arms and makes a beeline for the door.
“Papa, papa!”
You turn around and though the sight pains you to this day, somehow, you’re starting to learn to live with the fact that things are always bound to change with time and that this is what Suguru would have wanted: a loving and complete family for his little girl. You wrap Riko’s bento and place it in her lunchbox before going to greet the visitor.
“Hi, babe.” He turns to meet your lips for a sweet kiss, balancing Riko in his strong arms.
“Good morning, Satoru.”
#geto x y/n#geto smut#geto suguru smut#geto suguru headcanons#jujutsu kaisen#gojo satoru#jjk x reader#gojo satoru x reader#geto x reader#jujutsu kaisen x you#geto suguru#geto suguru x y/n#geto x you smut#jjk smut#jujutsu kaisen smut#geto suguru x reader#suguru geto#geto angst#geto x you
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Welcome to my Ted Talk about AsPD, or Antisocial Personality Disorder, which the internet likes to coin as sociopath 👌🏻 if you don’t like long infodumps about stigmatized mental disorders from someone who is diagnosed, move on.
Quick toxic rundown: People with AsPD are generally characterized as emotionless, violent, manipulative abusers who kill animals and like to make other people their bitches. The biggest pet peeve we have is the emotionless, sadistic and abusive generalization.
Personally, we are highly neurotic, with highs and lows of: depression, frantic drive, self abuse tactics, chronic fear, lapses of rejection, overwhelming over-analyzation, grey area thinking, false goods and false bads, ultimatums, obsessive compulsive behavior, harsh self demands, and irritability.
AsPD is a disorder that is caused primarily (according to current research) by trauma and abuse in childhood; most notably being emotional neglect and absent caregivers that cause a child to have emotional shutdowns and repression episodes in an attempt to self soothe. Primary caregivers who do not bond with their children are also a factor. Children learn how to behave from those around them. If a primary caregiver is emotionally distant and unavailable, children will learn that is normal behavior and that’s how people are. If a primary caregiver does not provide empathy and sympathy during moments of distress and fear, children will learn that aloofness and disregard of others feelings is normal behavior. If a primary caregiver does not keep a child safe, children will learn that they should not prioritize their own safety or the safety of others. You can find my follow up post regarding this here.
Neglected and abused children often act out trying to get attention and help, often acting out in bad ways because they lack the ability to articulate what they’re feeling and what is happening to them. The pipeline for AsPD typically is: Oppositional Defiance Disorder as a child, Conduct Disorder as a teen, AsPD as an adult. There are a lot of warning signs cueing that AsPD is becoming a risk for development, but often kids do not have a support system to help negate it as it’s their support system that is usually a factor in its creation.
Being AsPD is like being an emotional La Croix 70% of the time. If you’re depressed, then it’s like someone in the other room has depression and is telling you about it. The other 30% of the time, if you’re depressed, your brain doesn’t understand how to handle it so it’s an ultimatum between doing something drastic to remove the Trigger or ignoring and dissociating for days on end.
People with AsPD are very good at ignoring things. Honestly it’s problematic as fuck but it’s not hard to ignore major issues when you just, don’t care. It’s not in the terms of being cruel or making ourselves not care, but the fact that finding the emotional willpower is so far out of our feasible reach we don’t do it. This causes us to piss people off because we don’t have the capacity to care as much as they want us to, even if we can and do to an extent.
Think of it this way: empathy/sympathy is a deep tub of water that everyone has. They can easily fill their measuring cup for the needed amount of empathy without any issues and it’s easy for them. People with AsPD don’t have a tub of water. We have shallow skillet. When we try to dip our cup to fill it, we can’t, it always comes up short and it is difficult to get any water in it as there is no room for the cup to dive. Our ability to care is limited because we do not have the same emotional resources everyone else does.
❌ False Positives & False Negatives ❌
I operate on what I’ve learned are called false positives and false negatives. These are things that are trained into the brain from an early age based off of childhood trauma and other factors. False positives are a distorted version of why we do something to help ourself and for our own good, meanwhile a false negative is something we do because it’s a threat, or based out of fear.
❌ Some of my false positives:
- It is good to be afraid of nothing
- It is good to adapt to someone’s personality if they are stronger than you
- It is good to isolate yourself
- It is good to be a silver tongue because you can get into any place you want
- It is good to become a social chameleon and shape yourself to whatever those around you need/want most, because then you have no chance of being abandoned
❌ Some of my false negatives, which can explain the false positives as well as core beliefs:
- it is bad to be afraid, if I am afraid then I am vulnerable and it can be used against me
- It is bad to be emotional or show concern for others emotions because they do not care for mine
- It is bad to be able to be exploited, because I believe it is everywhere
- It is bad to allow myself to be bored, because boredom begets bad thoughts and no one can or wants to help me when I spiral
- It is bad to not shape yourself to the social circle, because people quickly grow tired of those who do not match them perfectly and being discarded means I failed
My core beliefs can be viewed as the root for the false positives and negatives, because they are based on the core of trauma, abuse and neglect. They come from patterns and instances that make someone with AsPD become the opposite of what they experienced:
- eat or be eaten
- If I don’t show that my bite is worse than my bark, I will be taken advantage of and I must remain on top because the ones on top are safe
- I must look out for myself because nobody will do it for me
- It doesn’t matter what happens to me, therefore it doesn’t matter what people think of me
- If I cannot do something well, then I should not do it at all
- If you are dependent on others for emotional and mental well being, you are weak, therefore I must isolate myself to avoid becoming codependent and a burden and useless
- If I can handle the stress of a situation better than everyone else, therefore I will keep the problem (financial, emotional, mental, etc) to myself to reduce chances of being abandoned due to failure of perfection
People with AsPD are hard to get along with. We often:
- are always anticipating a fight
- lack respect for authority
- ignore social structures to an extent
- tendency to lie if it’ll lessen punishment or if we feel the lie is more acceptable than our actions
- limit social support because it’s wrong to be dependent on others
- have an inflated view of our own importance — which turns into a self ridicule for believing someome like me could be found important to others —
- can be rude and inconsiderate of others feelings somewhat unintentionally
- are unable to read the correct social cues in relation to empathy towards people and animals
- am constantly confused by others dependence upon empathy and inability to make desicions from logic based standpoints
We can’t speak for everyone who has AsPD, nor are we saying that no one with AsPD is capable of being a murderer/abuser etc. but we are saying that y’all need to stop automatically classifying someone as a certain “type” as soon as you know about their disorder.
One last thing I do want to point out is that it is not uncommon for people with AsPD to derive some sort of enjoyment in causing harm, doing something illegal, hurting someone or animals, etc. This entirely stems from lack of environmental control as a child. Being able to control what happens to others or being able to control the things you say or do that hurts someone else is a hefty high to get addicted to; it soothes the underlying itch of not being able to control your own trauma and abuse, so in turn you push these behaviors onto others and enjoy it because it gives you a sense of power and control. Some people with AsPD do genuinely love hurting others, and some enjoy hurting others when they believe it’s deserved or their ire has been stoked. Some enjoy causing pain to those they think deserve it, and others don’t care who they hurt as long as they feel like they’re in control of the situation.
Hope this have some insight into AsPD 🤙🏻 if y’all have any questions, shoot.
#antisocial personality disorder#aspd traits#aspd#aspd awareness#aspd thoughts#aspd things#actually aspd#antisocial pd#personality disorder#cluster b#glitcher system#did#actually did#did stuff#did system#trauma#childhood neglect#mentalheathawareness#mental illness#destigmatization#sociopath
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I’m emotionally ruined by the fact that Aziraphale hasn’t broken out of his heavenly conditioning. He still loves doing good. He gets happy when people tell him he’s an angel and says “it’s nice to tell people about the good things you’ve done now that I’m not reporting to Heaven”. He will literally put himself in harm’s way to make sure he does the Good and Right thing.
It can’t be understated how much Heaven’s influence still impacts on him. Aziraphale has been created, ordained and conditioned to believe it and he can’t just switch it off or walk away. Crowley didn’t get the choice. He was Fallen. He was kicked out and - as per the rules of toxic and terrifying cults - Aziraphale was always told for centuries and millennia, Falling was the worst thing that could happen. If you’re bad, you’ll be forced out. If you’re bad, you’re not one of Us. You’re one of Them.
When he did something he perceived as Right (ie. saving innocent children from death), but knew it wasn’t what Heaven intended, he broke down. Crowley found him a crying, shaking wreck afterwards because he was so convinced he was Evil. He was so convinced he was going to be dragged to Hell and that he was now a demon because he did one thing that saved some children but because it wasn’t a specific directive, it was Bad.
It shapes so much about him and it’s why the whole series looks like he’s having so much fun doing silly human things, but there’s this brittleness to it. He’s happy and excited and he’s doing his human-life things and having a lovely time, but he’s also constantly stressed because of the Need To Do Good. From the moment Gabriel turns up, he’s a nervous wreck and is trying to hide it by Doing Good, by Solving the Problem, by Fixing Things, by being so active and reactive rather than letting himself think about it. It’s a sign of exactly how frantic he is that he starts giving away his books and letting humans touch them.
Watch his face when the Archangels show up unexpectedly: that isn’t joy. That’s blind terror. He’s so afraid of doing the wrong thing in Heaven’s eyes, even though he made the active choice to do so because it was the Right thing to do. He’s a Guardian and he will protect, but he is so very afraid of the repercussions, even now.
At the end of S1, Crowley said “they’re gearing up for the big one” so Aziraphale’s not oblivious. He knows a big one is coming. He knows something worse than the Antichrist will be on its way. And he’s trying so hard to pretend that everything is normal and fine and if he ignores all the looming bad stuff, it won’t happen. If we don’t say anything about it, nothing has to change.
But then the changes come knocking at his door holding a box and the choice is gone. He can keep trying to blinker himself to it, but then there are angels and demons in the bookshop and he’s had to use his halo and everything is falling apart.
So when he realises that he can get himself into a position where he can guarantee those repercussions won’t happen to Crowley? He will absolutely take it. He says himself “I don’t want to go back to Heaven”, but the instant the Metatron offers him a free pass for Crowley, to take Crowley out of both Heaven and Hell’s sightlines, to keep him safe (Another bee inside the hive, if you will), no wonder he grabs it with both hands.
The tragedy is that Crowley thinks that when they saved the world together, that was the end of Heaven’s influence in Aziraphale. When he was cast out the split between him and Heaven was sharp and clean. He doesn’t - he can’t - understand how deeply it has tangled around Aziraphale. It’s built into Aziraphale’s entire being and unravelling it isn’t that simple. Aziraphale’s trauma is a horrible, terrible Gordian knot and Crowley can’t understand that he couldn’t simply cut through it, because that’s just not how Aziraphale works.
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#had a real and scary panic attack after driving yesterday#it s like I feigned confidence and I could drive perfectly fine before but I took a little break without driving and boom#I’m reminded of how fucjing seriously debilitating my anxiety can be#and my sister was yelling at me the whole time#and when I parked she just started lecturing me the entire time of everything I did wrong and I couldn’t stop myself from crying#and then suddenly I couldn’t fucking breathe man it was fucking terrifying#I’m so so so tired of just living in fear man it sucks so bad#why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just not have trauma why can’t I just not have any mental illnesses#why can’t I just live my life without any baggage this fucjing sucks so much#I’m so scared to drive I’m so scared to stand up for myself and explain to her that her yelling isn’t helping me at all#I’m already terrified to drive and I’m teeeified to make mistakes on top of that and it’s just getting yelled at like that after really jusr#confirmed my fears with making mistakes and now I feel like that terrified child again and I’m regressing#and it’s like all these months of uplifting myself can just get fucked by one fuck up? I hate feeling this way and I know I just need more#time to process and reverse the negative thoughts I have of myself#but until I get that time I feel so sucky#I haven’t thought of killing myself in fucjing forever !!!!!!!! and here I am feeling the same way#but I drove man all the way and I parked#so I’m still proud of myself#I cant give up after one fuck up I can’t#but it’s just the pain is real and I feel like if I was anybody else I wouldn’t be having such an overwhelming reaction for making mistakes#while driving or for anything really but I’m me and the child living in me was hurt and punished and abused#and having this level of a fear of making mistakes might’ve been a learned reaction because of the consequences#but I want to comfort her and nurture her and heal her and get out of this survival mode and take criticism with stride#instead of having a breakdown over it#and withdrawing back into myself because that’s where I feel safe
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| ALL THE THINGS I AM NOT - One shot (3.097 words).
| Summary - Since Peter Parker joined the team, things aren't the same anymore. Why does everyone seem to prefer him to you?
(Inspired by that post from @th3-c0rps3-r0gu3)
| Tags & warnings - soft mom!Natasha Romanoff x adoptive daughter!Reader, former widow!R, angst with a bit of comfort, happy ending, R&Nat are insecure (they're trying their best), self-hatred, mention of past traumas, R is injuried (during a mission), mention of blood&death.
| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING
You wouldn’t say that you hate Peter Parker.
It is a strong word to describe your feelings, and you don’t like what it implies. You can’t hate someone who hasn’t done anything wrong to you, someone like him. He is the opposite of a bad person, so why I am feeling that way? He is nice. That’s what everyone is saying about him, and you know they are right, even if you don’t like to admit it. He always has that smile when you two are talking, answering you kindly even when you’re trying to test his limits.
It would’ve been easier to not like him if he had any defects, but he doesn’t. You’ve tried to find some, you’ve spent hours observing him, waiting for the moment he would make a fatal mistake, but the moment never came. You even started to question if he was human.
Natasha told you that humans make mistakes all the time, and that you can’t avoid them. It’s normal, she said, that’s what makes you one. You used to think you were better than that, better than everyone, but are you? When you look at the boy, you are not sure anymore.
He is everything I am not.
You thought you were doing good, really. You made a lot of progress, and effort, since you've joined the team. Two years ago, most of them wouldn't even agree to let you out of your room. Now, you could talk normally to almost all of them.
You thought that you were doing things right with the team, but you slowly realised that your attempts are not enough anymore. You have made a lot of progress since the first time you set foot in the compound, no one will deny it, but you are not at his level yet.
Two years ago, you wouldn’t even step out of your room during the day, barely sleeping when the night came around, and at best you would exchange wary glances with the team. You didn’t trust them nor they did, and even if you are now talking, it hasn't changed a lot. That’s something they never told you, but their eyes and actions have done it for them. These two never lie, not when you know how to interpret them.
They don’t even let you go on a mission alone, let alone attending the most important meetings. You think it is stupid because you are the most skilled of everyone here. Well, maybe it’s not true, you never managed to beat Natasha in a fight, but you are sure that you are at least as useful as them on the field.
I am too young, just a kid.
That’s what they call you, but the nickname doesn’t carry the same kindness as when it’s for Peter, their voices being tinged with disdain. Except when it’s from Natasha, you like it when she calls you nicknames. She doesn’t do it because she thinks you are not capable of handling yourself, but to remind you that you have time. The time to learn, to make mistakes, to grow. You both know that you will never be a normal teenager, it is too late for that, and nothing can erase the first years of your life, but the redhead is confident : you’ll learn how to live, you just need a bit of help.
She is the only one that doesn’t seem to treat you differently, but you are not sure if she counts. You two are the same. You have been through the same things, and she is the one that brought you here, it is obvious that she wouldn’t let you go.
She wouldn’t, right?
You don’t know. You are not sure of anything, everything seems to go backward since he joined the team. All the progress you’ve made? Gone. In a few weeks, he did better than you’ll ever be able to do, and you don’t even understand how that’s possible.
You can beat him in a fight whenever you want, no matter the conditions. Even with your eyes closed, and your hands tied behind your back, you would be able to put him down in a matter of seconds. You are fast, strong and attentive while he is clumsy, dreamy and weak. He can’t even use a gun properly, always missing his target when it’s moving, even slowly. Whenever you are looking at him, all you can see is a kid that has no idea what he's doing here but thought it would be fun. A kid that was given a toy, and thought that it made him the most important person on that earth, a hero.
I am everything he is not.
Yet, they prefer him, so there must be something you are missing. Since he joined the team, he has created a strong bond with all the Avengers, even with Natasha. You thought your relationship with her was special, but it’s apparently not that much. You saw them laughing together, but you’ve seen worse when you witnessed the woman ruffling the boy’s hair. You are sure she would braid the boy’s hair too if it was longer.
Well, maybe I hate him.
You have every reason to feel this way when he was stealing what’s yours, destroying what you had taken so long to build. Only, it somehow didn’t feel right. Natasha doesn’t belong to you, none of them are. They are humans, and humans have feelings, they don’t have to get along with everyone. That’s what you’ve learned from the redhead, but you only realise now that it is not only true for you ; you can’t force anyone to appreciate you. Yet, you would have liked to live up to their expectations, something the boy seems to do effortlessly.
He is always smiling, saying the right thing at the right moment, laughing with the others. Since he arrived, he has never made anyone angry, he never had one of those violent breakdowns where you would hit someone by accident. Natasha says it is not your fault, but you know that the others don’t think the same way.
Durings meals, apart from their missions, Peter Parker is the only thing they know how to talk about. Everything he does is praised. Even the things you were doing as a kid, things you’ve never been congratulated for because everyone had to know that, it was normal. Natasha said it was not, but you are not sure if you believe her yet because if it’s not, where are your praises?
Maybe it is because they don’t expect anything from him. He is just a kid who’s learning, not a threat to be dealt with, let alone a weapon to train. No, Peter Parker is none of that. He is nothing more than a stupid kid who’s trying his best to save the city, and it’s a story you can’t bear to hear anymore. Just his name makes you feel as if your whole body is burning. It’s a feeling you can’t name, but you are sure that you don’t like it.
He is everything I am not.
If you saved him that day, it is definitely not because you appreciate him. You even had a moment of hesitation before throwing yourself between him and that bullet, wouldn’t your life be easier if he wasn’t here? No, it wouldn’t.
You didn’t want to take that bullet for him, especially not when this is the consequence of his own stupidity, but it was the obvious choice. You hate being sent on a mission with him because it is like going with a baby widow. You have done everything right, he has not, and yet you are the one suffering the consequences of his recklessness.
If he had died today, it would’ve been your fault. You know it’s not true, but you can already hear them tell you that it is. That’s why you did it, because you know they value his life more than yours. It is not easy to accept that you are not the most important person on the team anymore. In fact, you have never been there since you joined the Avengers, but you believe that it was true before.
Those people, they have powers and technology. They can do things you will never be able to achieve, no matter how hard you try. You hate that too, that feeling of failure. Yet it is not your fault if you are trapped in a competition that you can’t win. So you thought that, maybe, if you save their precious boy, then you would get the attention you wanted.
I didn’t want to, but I did what I was supposed to.
Except it doesn’t feel right. The Quinjet was quiet during the return journey. You didn’t even know where the boy was, and honestly couldn’t care less. You were even relieved to know that he couldn’t witness you in a moment of weakness, leaving you alone to inspect the wound left by the bullet. You told him it was nothing, but you lied, and you don’t even need to take a close look at your abdomen to know that.
However, it wasn’t the pain that was worrying you. The only thing you could think about was their reactions. Natasha told you many times that you are allowed to make mistakes, that it makes you human, not weak, but you know she is lying. You’ve already heard Fury scolding people for their mistakes, even the Avengers sometimes fought for the same reason, and you definitely don’t want to deal with that right now.
So when the Quinjet eventually lands, you go straight to your room. You were scared to step foot in the common areas in this condition because you knew your mom was waiting for you there. Maybe she had made your favourite meal, or maybe she decided to do the boy’s favourite. This time, you can’t stop the tears from welling up in your eyes.
You’ve seen how she acts with the boy. She is so caring, always smiling, and her eyes are even shining. You don’t think it has ever happened when she is with you. Her expression is always tinged with sadness, perhaps pity. It is when you witness those moments that you realise that she deserves more than you will ever be able to give her : a normal kid.
Maybe she realised it too.
Last night, she came home late, called in for a last-minute mission, and she missed your return by a few hours. She had no idea how your mission went, and even if she trusts you to handle yourself, she can’t help but feel concerned. She doesn’t like to know that you’re on a mission without her because anything can happen.
If Natasha was already worried, it is only when the following morning came that the feeling began to gnaw at her from the inside. She even started to bite her nails again. It was almost ten in the morning, and no one had seen you yet. They say that you are probably sleeping, and they might be right, but what if they are not?
She knows that some missions can be exhausting, and not only physically, what if it was one of those? You didn’t seem to be doing well lately. Despite the appearances, she noticed every little change in your behaviour, and she is sad to see you going backwards. She guessed that, maybe, you needed a little space, but she is no longer sure she made the right choice. She has the feeling that your relationship has deteriorated in recent weeks, almost as if you were avoiding her.
The redhead could no longer bear to stare at the hands of the medical bay’s clock, all she wanted to do was go, and check on you, but she couldn’t. She made a promise to the boy’s aunt. She glances at Peter who was asleep, he has been injured during the mission, nothing serious, he should be out of here the following morning. However, she promised her aunt to look after him when she couldn’t.
She always keeps her promises.
Natasha didn’t bat an eye all night, but even if she had wanted to sleep, she wouldn’t have been able to. She couldn’t stop thinking. When the day came, she still had no idea what to do. Widows aren’t known to be good at expressing their feelings. The woman always felt awkward in her interactions with you, scared that her actions could do more harm than good. Maybe you weren’t the one that needed a bit of space.
“How is she?” is the first thing the boy asked when he woke up that morning, but the frown on the Avenger’s face let him know that she had no idea what he was talking about. “We got a bit of a … situation during the mission” he explained, avoiding saying that his recklessness put them in danger, “we both got hurt, but it is nothing too serious”, he quickly added when he saw the expression on the redhead face changing suddenly.
The boy tried to reassure her, but it was too late. The woman barely heard him as she was rushing out of the medical bay. She was an idiot. She should’ve checked on you the moment she stepped foot on the compound, she should’ve guessed that you wouldn’t go to the medical bay on your own. You’ve always hated those places because it is where you are the most vulnerable.
It was almost eleven when she knocked at your door. She did it three times, but each of them was met with an oppressive silence. When she tried to open it, she discovered that it was locked. However, there isn’t a door in that world that can stop a widow. In less than a minute, she manages to open it, and enters the room.
She understands something is wrong when she sees your form under the covers. You would never stay in bed that late, being awake before she is most of the time. If at first she was hesitant to step in, she almost ran to your bed when you didn’t reply to her calling your name multiple times. Your sleep is so light that someone walking across the corridor is usually enough to wake you up in a flash.
She pulls back the covers without thinking twice about it, and the view she sees is definitely not what she would call “nothing serious”. The sheets are covered in blood, your blood, and you are not sleeping at all, she can see how you are struggling to keep your eyes open. She is not even sure you noticed her presence.
"Baby?" she tried to call again, but you didn’t react to the nickname either. "Baby, what happened? Talk to me, please, open your eyes", she said, kneeling by your side.
She shakes you slowly, but it has no effect. You don’t react before her hands grip your face, her nails leaving marks on your skin because of the brutality of her precipitous gesture. She is trying to open your eyelids to see your eyes when a whine escapes your lips.
You have no idea what’s happening, but don’t have the energy to ask the question. You just wish the woman would let you go back to your comfortable slumber, far from the pain, and that world of misery you were trapped in. But she doesn’t. Instead, she stole your blanket, leaving you shivering with cold, and she wouldn’t stop talking, worsening your headache.
When she takes you in her arms, being as careful as she could, she notices how cold you were. Yet, you seemed to be sweaty. She doesn’t waste more time, almost running back to the medical bay. You were hanging in her arms as a rag doll would, your head dangling painfully on the side, and the same was true for your limbs.
She held you firmly in her arms, constantly glaring at you, as if she feared you might disappear if she let her guard down. On the way, she kept mumbling things that you couldn’t understand, not knowing if those were really intended for you, or if it was a way to reassure herself. Maybe it was both.
When the woman pushed the medical bay door, she didn’t even need to yell for someone to come. The second the doctors saw you, they knew it was an emergency.
It is only a few days after that they let you out of the medicine that was keeping you out. The first thing you felt was the pain you tried to ignore since you've been shot. A whine escapes your lips. You felt your mom close to you before you saw her. She probably didn't sleep or left or eat since you've been, no matter for how long it have been. You feel a bit guilty at the thought.
“Don’t you dare to do that ever again,” she whispered, holding you as close as she could against her chest. One of her hands rested on your back, gripping the soft fabric of your hospital gown, while the other one was stroking your hair, “you scared me to death …” she added, and you felt really stupid for not realising that she had always cared for you, and probably always with, but you were too blinded by jealousy to see it.
“I am… sorry,” you managed to reply in a hoarse voice, “I was scared. I wanted to show you that I can be strong too,” you whispered, “I wanted to prove that I’m worth loving,” you eventually admitted, your voice being so low that, at first, the redhead wasn’t sure if she heard correctly. It broke her heart to realise that it was her fault. You didn’t need space, you needed her by your side, and now she was here, you wouldn’t let her go, holding her as you could, not minding the pain it caused in your abdomen.
"But my little dove, you are already the strongest person I know, you don't need to prove it anymore to anyone,” she whispered, “and I will always love you, I won’t let you doubt it,” she added, letting you go to cup your jaws with her hands. She let her thumbs brushing your forehead before she kissed it, repeating the three words you were dying to hear the past weeks again, and again, and again.
You could both feel tears running down your cheeks.
| MOODBOARD — ✧ — MASTERLIST — ✧ — TO SAY SOMETHING
| Tag list - @godhatesgoodgirls
#a spes writing#mcu fanfiction#reader insert#natasha romanoff x reader#natasha romanoff#natasha romanov#natasha romanoff fanfiction#natasha romanoff angst#natasha romanoff comfort#angst with comfort#angst with a happy ending#one shot#natasha romanoff x fem!reader
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ok but what about alastor with a reader like angel dust in the sense trapped and abused by valentino maybe they have a different sort of personality than angel dust but in a similar situation how would he react to seeing his s/o in that sort of a situation maybe they have to interact with valentino infront of him.
thoughts?
warnings: fluff????sexual trauma! mention of SA! Val is a perverted dick! Fem!reader, Alastor not letting shit slide but caring about your wellbeing first!
Think of this as an extension of the Alastor x retired!pornstar reader fic!
You and Angel took a beauty day from all the hustle and bustle of the hotel. The day was filled with spa appointments and shopping.
Angel laughed as you asked his opinion on lingerie that Alastor would like, blushing when he teased about the Overlord having the hots for you. You were having a great time; until Angel’s phone started blowing up.
Valentino.
The perverted bug was calling Angel in for a shoot and on his day off.
You grimaced, but you understood.
Valentino didn't understand the word ‘No’.
Thats why you stayed away from the industry.
Consent did not matter. At least to Val.
You shuddered at the unpleasant memories.
Angel apologized, but you shook you head, looping your arm through his to walk him to the studio. You at least wanted to see him off.
You felt your ears flatten as you entered the studio, your palms getting sweaty as the two attendants opened the double doors to Val’s studio.
”Annnngeelll baby I missed you!” Val exclaimed, taking a puff of his cigarette as he approached the two of you.
His red eyes shifted to you, a purr rumbling through his chest
”ooooh Angel you didnt say you were bringing an absolute gem!” His large hand wrapped around your unwilling hand, bringing it to his lips and instead of kissing it…Val licked up your arm.
You immediately recoiled, giving a nervous smile “pleasure as always Val, but I fear that I am not here for any…ugh entertaining purposes, just seeing Angel off before heading home”
Home.
That’s right home.
You considered the hotel home.
Everyone was so nice and no one judged you for your past.
You didnt have to put on a persona for a camera and could just be yourself. You could laugh and cry and be comforted for it.
And you were treated like a person. By an evil Overlord at that.
Val chuckled darkly, looking you up and down “oooh really? Because Angel could use a few pointers, you might dress differently but you can’t fool me cara…” A slight burning sensation had you wince a bit, clutching your belly.
cursed womb mark. Damn you Valentino.
“You’re nothing but a little cumslut” Val leaned down to whisper in your ear.
You narrowed your eyes, glaring up at him. Angel gave a nervous laugh to ease the tension “Why don’t you stay to watch one shoot eh? I don’t mind being criticized by a true professional” he tugged you under his arm, away from Val and to give you a wink.
You sighed “one shoot. Ill stay to watch one shoot”
Val grinned as he whisked you to sit in a director chair as he handed you the script.
You made a face of disgust as you looked over the script. Rough, demeaning sex and no buildup at all.
You shuddered. You were happy to have left all this behind but you knew everyone wasn’t lucky.
”ACTION SLUTS!” Val shouted to begin the scene.
Your eyes roamed about the scene and you felt sweaty.
Uncomfortable and anxiety. These were emotions you usually had when you were around Val, but they normally ran this rapid when you were in a shoot yourself.
But you weren’t…so why were you so nervous?
”What do you think about that angle?”
”You could have made that work”
”None of them are gonna reach your level!”
”Ugh they can’t even get that right!”
You barely listened to Val’s rambling until your lower belly burned, you clenched your teeth, eyes looking over at the smug pimp.
A smile was on his face, but it didn’t match his words.
”Why don’t you be a doll and show ‘em how its done babygirl” he tilted his head smiling knowingly.
It was like a light switch went off.
A warm feeling spread throughout your body and you found yourself moving towards the scene.
The script was rather raunchy; ‘victim blindfolded and bound taken advantage of by gang’
”watch and learn” Valentino purred watching as a demon blindfolded you and settled you into a low arch.
You were surrounded. The warmth and heavy scents surrounded you as the demons touched and probed at you.
A whimper escaped your throat as a tongue licked at your cunt, dipping into you to give you some prep.
No No No No No No NO! You were screaming in your head as several cocks entered you.
Your lips parted to scream but a cock was shoved down your throat, a moan erupting from the demon who thrusted into your mouth.
Your body burned as you were worked into an orgasm. You kicked and thrashed to get the demons off of you.
They couldn’t cum in you, they just couldn’t.
Alastor…
Tears streamed down your face as you thought of the red demon.
How would be react when he found you smelling like other demons?
You had given up this lifestyle. You weren’t a whore who needed to flaunt her pussy to the world for a quick buck.
”G-get off-” you tried to say through the haze.
Your blindfold fell as you were pounded into, your eyes frantically meeting Val’s; a smirk was on his lips as he puffed his cigarette
Go on and cum baby he mouthed
No! Nonononono!
Your body tensed as you cummed around a stranger’s dick.
A sob escaped you as the demon groaned before spilling his cum into you, the others cumming on your body.
Long arms wrapped around you, pulling you off the bed and you sobbed into a fuzzy chest.
”What the hell Val!” Angel hissed, wrapping a robe around you.
The tall demon snapped his finger and your womb mark ceased burning. “I’m sure the public would love to see such a diamond return to the spotlight. After all, she’s my best investment”
He looked over you, clicking his tongue and waving the two of you off as he shouted out commands for the next scene.
”I can’t believe that asshole did that to you. Oh toots don’t worry well get you cleaned up and good as new once we get to the hotel” Angel tried to reassure you.
You immediately ran to your room, getting in the bath and scrubbing at your skin.
Tears ran down your face as you scrubbed. You wanted the scent and feeling of those demons off you.
Your skin was red and you didn’t even realize how hard you were scrubbing until a clawed hand grabbed the sponge.
”Darlin scrub any harder and your skin will be raw” a radio-filtered voice chirped.
You jerked away, eyes wide as you watch Alastor drain the tub.
”now what’s got you so raddled?” He tilted his head in question.
Your lip quivered, head down, unable to meet his eyes.
A hand gently cupped your chin to make you look at him. Alastor had a very stern look on his face, despite the smile on his face.
”I-I-I’m sorry Al!” You bursted into sobs as you wrapped your wet arms around his neck.
He patted your back to soothe you, waiting for you to calm down so you could tell him what disturbed you so much.
”I was out with Angel and he was called to the studio a-and Val h-he h-he…I did something I vowed to never do I’m sorry I’m so sorry” you sobbed.
Alastor stiffened.
He knew what your occupation was before you came to the hotel. You had given that up to better yourself.
He never once thought that you would be dragged back to be a former version of yourself.
He could smell the scents of others on you, no amount of soap and fragrance could hide the fact he knew what had transpired.
”Oh my dear it’s alright” he cooed,pulling you to stand. To assess the damage that had been done.
Claw marks and an intricate mark on your lower belly.
He grimaced.
But he had more important matters to attend to, you.
He cautiously lathered you in lotions, put ointments on your wounds and dressed you for bed.
”Don’t worry your pretty head my dear, I don’t think of you any less. I know you wouldn’t have done something like that on your own free will” he hummed tucking you in, pressing a reassuring kiss to your forehead.
He waited until you fell asleep to slip away and once your bedroom door closed behind him, his aura darkened.
The hallways lights flickered and the building shook as his shadow angrily ripped at the wallpaper and figurines.
He made his way to his radio tower and smiled wickedly.
He wouldn’t let this offense go unnoticed. Oh no no one dared to lay a hand on his darlin and get away with it.
Oh he was going to make the Vees live a fucking nightmare
#hazbin hotel#hazbin alastor#alastor#alastor the radio demon#alastor x reader#hazbin hotel fanfiction#jyoongim#alastor x y/n#alastor hazbin hotel#valentino hazbin hotel
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