#I haven’t thought of killing myself in fucjing forever !!!!!!!! and here I am feeling the same way
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#had a real and scary panic attack after driving yesterday#it s like I feigned confidence and I could drive perfectly fine before but I took a little break without driving and boom#I’m reminded of how fucjing seriously debilitating my anxiety can be#and my sister was yelling at me the whole time#and when I parked she just started lecturing me the entire time of everything I did wrong and I couldn’t stop myself from crying#and then suddenly I couldn’t fucking breathe man it was fucking terrifying#I’m so so so tired of just living in fear man it sucks so bad#why can’t I just be normal why can’t I just not have trauma why can’t I just not have any mental illnesses#why can’t I just live my life without any baggage this fucjing sucks so much#I’m so scared to drive I’m so scared to stand up for myself and explain to her that her yelling isn’t helping me at all#I’m already terrified to drive and I’m teeeified to make mistakes on top of that and it’s just getting yelled at like that after really jusr#confirmed my fears with making mistakes and now I feel like that terrified child again and I’m regressing#and it’s like all these months of uplifting myself can just get fucked by one fuck up? I hate feeling this way and I know I just need more#time to process and reverse the negative thoughts I have of myself#but until I get that time I feel so sucky#I haven’t thought of killing myself in fucjing forever !!!!!!!! and here I am feeling the same way#but I drove man all the way and I parked#so I’m still proud of myself#I cant give up after one fuck up I can’t#but it’s just the pain is real and I feel like if I was anybody else I wouldn’t be having such an overwhelming reaction for making mistakes#while driving or for anything really but I’m me and the child living in me was hurt and punished and abused#and having this level of a fear of making mistakes might’ve been a learned reaction because of the consequences#but I want to comfort her and nurture her and heal her and get out of this survival mode and take criticism with stride#instead of having a breakdown over it#and withdrawing back into myself because that’s where I feel safe
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