#had a real and scary panic attack after driving yesterday | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bat-revival · 2 years

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So, I've never really done something like this before but I really have the urge to just scream into the void and I don't want to keep using my boyfriend and my friends as emotional dumpsters. So please, feel free to just ignore this.

It's stupid really, because everything I'm feeling right now was triggered by a stupid teenage coming of age series with a stupid love triangle where the girl ends up with the wrong guy (imho).

So, it's late over here, it's nearly 3 am and everything hurts. My life is deeply unsatisfying as it is (this doesn't apply to my boyfriend, he's great and I love him very much and he's my rock and lifeline but I also don't want to burden him too much with my baggage) with uni and me trying to figure out what to do next, but also with the climate crisis, the rise of nationalism and fascism and war right around the corner. I know these are things everyone's struggling with and I'm not alone with these fears and uncertainties.

It's just... I fail at doing the simplest tasks. I can't concentrate and it takes me a million years to do the shortest uni assignments, if I can actually get myself to start in the first place.

I feel like I'm constantly disappointing everyone. For example, i have a deep fear of driving cars (my driving teacher was a huge asshole who made me feel stupid, small and insecure behind the wheel and it kinda stuck) and my bf and I had to drive a lot this past month (and I mean A LOT- our hometown is 4 hours away by car). My bf usually drives because he enjoys it and he won't really let me drive because I once had a panic attack behind the wheel while he was there. But now we had a fight because I don't drive but at the same time he won't let me. So yesterday I put my foot down and insisted on driving for a few hours and it was alright I guess, I mean I CAN drive, but it was so fucking hard for me to concentrate, my mind was constantly wandering and I couldn't do shit about it which was really fucking scary and staying focused was exhausting. It was super shameful because driving feels like such a simple adult task yet I'm failing at it and when I had finally parked the car I couldn't even be proud for driving despite my fears.

And this seems to apply to every aspect of my life. Being afraid and insecure, trying hard to focus, doing alright but under so much Stress that it's just a horrible experience anyway.

I have a lot of friends but I don't really feel close to them. And it's my fault, I try to keep a little distance because I tend to like them a lot more than they me and it always hurts to have that realization. It's happened a lot, in fact it happened last just before my birthday in June. It's also hard for me to keep contact with people via social media, I guess that's why people always like me less. It makes confiding in people harder ,too.

The fact that I'm dealing with depression and anxiety since I was fifteen doesn't really help the overall situation and I constantly need to consume media to drown out the noise in my head, which in turn doesn't help my concentration problem. I used to self harm a lot, but I stopped after my current bf begged me to. Now I haven't done anything physical for three and a half years but my fingers are always itching and I can't even buy this fancy skin friendly razor because it needs "real" blades and I can't trust myself around them because I constantly feel a *need*. I watch my scars closely and they're starting to fade which lead to another panic attack because i kind of need to see my scars to know that everything was and is still very real and that I'm not making it all up.

I haven't actively thought about killing myself for 9 years now, so that's good I guess. but I also just really really don't want to live.

I also recently had covid for the first time and it really took a toll on my lungs and I have a few breathing problems. They're getting better ,sure, but right now, I haven't been able to excercise for 5 weeks. Normally, I excercise 4 to 5 times a week. And all this sitting around is driving me insane. I want to run and I want to scream, i want to lift heavy stuff and feel in control for once. my skin crawls and itches and I can't let it out.

On top of everything, my grandma died very suddenly three weeks ago. There was a sudden and unexplainable bleeding in her head that damaged the entire brain, they didn't even try surgery because she was gone immediately. I mean, her body lived, but she was gone. I had talked to her around noon on the same day and everything was fine and not even 6 hours later she collapsed.

We were very close and I miss her so much. She was such a guiding light and inspiration for me, I'll never meet anyone like her again. Life without her seems impossible and unreal , yet time keeps flying. June in general lasted for 20 years and July isn't looking much better.

I'm so tired, I just want to sleep, but I can't. I feel so stuck and nothing makes sense and I just don't want to live this life anymore.

And now, this girl chose the wrong guy and I simply burst into tears. It's so stupid and I can't even explain myself but everything came to the surface and I'm just trying to beat my feelings with a stick so that they'll go into hiding again.

I miss life. I miss being excited. I miss looking forward to things. I miss waking up without immediately worrying.

Ugh alright, thank you tumblr for letting me rant. I know this is a downer and I hope people don't read this and feel sad. I just needed a place to put all this. Half of this might not even make sense and I'm sure I have forgotten a few things but I don't think that's important, because I actually feel better now. Sigh. Maybe I do need a therapist again.

#rambling #just ignore this #tw: mentions of self harm #tw: mentions of suicidal thoughts

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revisionaryhistory · 3 years

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Three Days ~ 70

~*~Emma~*~

Sebastian was right. I did like hearing him moan too much. Such a deep, breathy, needy sound. I’m not sure he realized he was making the same sounds as I played guitar. Not as frequent, but still. Seemed only right I should finish what I started. Plus, he’d had a rough day.

I’d gone back to the proposal thing partly to let him off the hook, but more because I didn’t want that to happen. On our second anniversary, I was terrified Jimmy was going to ask me to marry him. My girlfriends had convinced me it was coming. Two years is the time, they said. Thank fuck they were wrong. I didn’t have a problem talking about it and Sebastian had seemed to handle it fine, but I knew the possibility of freaking out was there. Still was. A blow job and a lazy fuck would get his mind in a different place.

After our romp in the guest room, Sebastian pulled me into my bedroom and pushed me on the bed. His smile was lethal as he came for me, kissing from side to side up my body, before laying his very naked body on mine and taking over my mouth. A very long and thorough kiss later he kissed my nose, “Let’s start over at the beginning.”

Over at the beginning meant an extended period of making out, foreplay, him going down on me until I came (twice), and then some very un-lazy intercourse. All followed by collapsing in a sweaty heap. Good times.

Sebastian scooted closer and pushed me to my side where he could wrap around me. A couple of well-placed kisses on the back of my neck had me smiling and making satisfied sounds. I held onto the arms around me and turned my head enough to see him. “I love you.”

“I know you do.” He kissed me as softly as we were speaking. “I love you.”

I smiled, “I know you do.”

“What do you want to do Monday? We should do something.”

I knew exactly what he was talking about. I put my hand on his face and squirmed to turn where we were facing. “We should go on a date. A first date.” A first date to commemorate a month since our first date.

He smiled, “A movie.”

“Something scary so I can hide my face against your chest.” We both laughed, “Gelato after, that place we passed a couple of weeks ago.”

“Pizza before.”

“Sounds perfect.” We kissed and stayed close, breathing and being quiet.

Sebastian took a deep breath and fought a yawn, “Sorry.”

“Please.” We rearranged again and I laid my head on his shoulder, his fingers trailing along my side. “If you want to go for a run or anything before I get up there’s an extra set of keys in the entry table.” This was completely prepping for if our talk resulted in an overnight panic attack. “Wake me up if you want.”

His fingers never stopped moving, “What’s your alarm code?”

“Same as my car code.” I tilted my face up to see him. His blue eyes were drowning me. The soft look, the slight smile. I reached to play in his beard. His smile grew and mine matched it, “Whatever you need, Bastian.”

He shook his head slightly, “Just you.”

I woke up before Sebastian. I propped my head on my hand to watch him sleep. He was on his back with one arm stretched to the side and one on his stomach. The sheet covered midway up his chest. He'd gotten a little sun at his mom's yesterday on his chest and shoulders. I was excited about our beach vacation. Lay on the beach, lay by the pool, play in the pool, play in the ocean, maybe dinner on a yacht at sunset.His face showed no sign of tension and worry. I think what I’m seeing is peaceful relaxation. His cheeks were relaxed, his lips barely parted, and his eyes were twitching behind his eyelids. He was in REM sleep. Dreaming. Lying like this he looked beautiful. I wanted to run my fingers over the indentation of muscles. I wanted to put my lips to his eyelashes to feel their twitch against my lips. Run my fingertips over his shaven cheek, stroke through his beard, run a finger over his pink lips. And when he started to wake I wanted to kiss him. I wanted his first memory of the day, even before he opened his eyes, to be me kissing him.

I didn’t touch. Just watched. The eye movements increased and his face started twitching. Definitely dreaming. A few minutes later I felt like the dream wasn't a pleasant one. I carefully laid my palm on the smooth part of his cheek, barely touching skin, letting my fingertips touch the twitches. As they settled, I applied more pressure, his beard against my palm, using my thumb to caress bare skin on the line of his beard, the contrast felt good against my thumb. Whatever the dream, my touch had calmed it. Sebastian's eyes fluttered enough for me to see the blue. I moved where he could see my eyes too.

His lids lifted for a second and he licked his lips. I crept closer and pressed my awake lips to his sleeping ones. "Good morning, my love."

"Morning." Sebastian closed his eyes again and smiled. "Do that again."

I moved over him, pausing long enough for the arm on his stomach to move around me, before pressing my naked chest to his naked chest. I kissed to the right of his lips, "Good," kiss to the left, "morning," and a solid kiss to his lips, "my love."

I felt the slightest touch of his tongue, "Love waking up with you."

His fingers trailing down my spine made me shiver, "It is nice." My accent came out strong.

Sebastian laughed, "My southern belle." He put his hand on my face. "I love when it sneaks out."

"Just ask and I can conjure up a lovely accent for a weekend or so. If that would make you happy." I laid it on thick.

Sebastian squirmed happily, "Very dangerous."

"Why?" Holding on to the accent.

He shrugged, "I love southern accents. All that time shooting in Atlanta and Savannah was pleasantly painful."

"Did you get in trouble?"

"I tried. Wasn't greatly successful."

“I imagine my southern sisters were uncertain what to do with you. You're very pretty. They'd play with you, but how’s your game?"

He chuckled, "Hit or miss."

"We'll have to go south and see if you can pick me up."

"I like either of those ideas." He kissed me long, "We need to make a list."

"We can do it on the train."

I kissed him again, "Do you want breakfast before we get the train?" We didn't have a solid plan.

Sebastian shook his head, "Not super hungry right now. Just get some coffee and yogurt. You hungry?"

"Not really. Angie and I are going shopping then grabbing lunch." Sebastian had said he needed to work and I hadn't had a day with my best friend in a long time. "I'm guessing doors are at seven. It's at Bowery Ballroom, did I say that?"

"Nope. I was just going to follow you. We can walk."

I raised my eyebrows and shook my head slowly, "Not with the heels I'm wearing tonight."

Sebastian pursed his lips, "That sounds fun."

We showered and I left my hair in a towel until we were ready to go. I was stressing myself with what to pack until I remembered today was shopping. My plan was the black dress I didn't wear to dinner last time, but that could change today. Now, I was really excited.

Thankfully early morning Saturday on the metro north train wasn't busy. My guitar wasn't rush hour friendly. We tucked ourselves at the end with our backs to the rest of the car. Sebastian had easily put our stuff in the overhead bin and I found his lack of struggle sexy as hell. When he sat down, I wrapped around his bicep, "You are so hot."

He cocked his head, looking at me with a smirk, "What did I do? Mostly so I can do it again."

I kissed him chastely, "You put our bags up like they weighed nothing. The way your shirt crept up to show off your stomach. Mmmm."

"Keep being so easily impressed."

"You got it, baby." Thinking of luggage had a question pop up. "Does your building have parking?"

"Yes. My apartment has a spot. Can't remember where." He looked over, "We could have driven."

"Windows open, music turned up, singing loud."

"I'll have to find where it is. Mini road trip would be fun."

"Lots of crazy conversations on a road trip."

"And you peeing on the side of the road."

I glared at him, "You can't forget that for me?"

He shrugged, "Sounds like too much fun. We should take off and drive somewhere. Maine in the fall. Montreal, Toronto. Go to LA and drive up to Seattle."

I pulled out my phone, "We need to make that list" I went into my notes program, opened a new notebook titled “Sebastian”, and started a to do list.

Sebastian looked over my shoulder, "First was blindfolding and tying me to the bed. You want a massage with a happy ending. There were plans to wake each other up with various kinds of sex. A weekend with a very southern accent. Me trying to pick you up. Now a road trip. Beach vacation. We should call Will and Alissa, get together a plan while you’re home with me."

“Sounds good."

Sebastian took my hand to his mouth “Will you tell me what happened Tuesday?"

I had to think back to Tuesday. It seemed a very long time ago. A lot had happened since them. All good.

I smiled and took a deep breath, "Sure.” Most of what mom and I had talked about Sebastian already knew. I just filled in mom's side of the confrontation. "Her "but Amy" when I said she'd hurt me..." I trailed off and waved a hand in front of us. I didn’t know what to say.

Sebastian caught my hand, "That had to have hurt." His face showed a mix of sad and angry.

"Yes." I nodded, "More angry when she said it didn't take anything from me to watch what I say in front of Amy. She missed the whole point, and for real, it does take away from me to pretend I'm not happy. Over time what hell would that do to my self-esteem? If you act like your unimportant you start believing it. My father thinking I'd ever come back and live like that."

He snorted, "Bad idea."

"Very. I told her it wouldn't affect me because I wouldn't let it. Mom thought she'd won and we moved on. As soon as I was off the plane, I called Trevor." I smiled, "He was proud of me. I needed the validation that I wasn't overreacting or being a brat. He reminded me this wasn't really new for them and asked what had changed with me." I leaned closes to kiss him. "Wasn't a hard question. It's you."

"Me?" His smirk said he was enjoying my answer.

"Pretending I'm not happy and in love is my line. I'm not willing to hold that in." I kissed him again. "It's not right they ask me to. They should be happy that I have someone who makes me happy."

Sebastian's expression changed again. This time his eyes brightened and his features softened, "You make me happy too." The back of his fingers caressed my cheek. "Very happy."

If I wasn't already in love with him the way he was looking at me now would do it.

"What do you mean she thought she'd won?"

"The way she smiled she thought I was agreeing with what they wanted me to do. I’d muzzle myself forever because they were afraid for Amy. I’m afraid for Amy too, and I’m not a bitch, but I matter too."

“Refusing to sacrifice yourself for someone who’s not in trouble doesn’t make you a bitch.” He shrugged and I could tell he was weighing his words. “Your mom asking you to does kinda make her one. Sorry.”

I shook my head, “Nothing to be sorry about.”

He smiled, "What does it mean that you won’t let it affect you?"

He's a smart man. I shrugged, "I'm not completely sure. Right now I go back to Alpharetta a couple of times a year. I used to spend two weeks near the end of summer, but I dreaded it, so I started going first to get it over with. Now it’s less than a week. Maybe spring break. As soon as school lets out for winter break I head down and leave for Hawaii Christmas day. I don't think I’m doing that anymore."

He turned his head to the side and looked worried, "What are you going to do?"

“I’ve never not woken up in my parent’s house Christmas morning. Jimmy’s family celebrated Christmas eve so that was never a conflict. I want to spend my holiday with people who want to be with me. Really be with me and let me be happy. I’ll probably go to Hawaii early. I haven’t given it a lot of thought outside of the stink it’s going to create.” I laughed a little.

“I imagine it will.” He laughed then went serious, “You are welcome wherever I am.”

“Thank you.”

“Not a problem.”

“Are you going to Hawaii with me?”

His smile was back, “Just book my flight with yours.”

“What do you do for Christmas?”

“Depends. I’m not a big Christmas person. Sometimes with mom, sometimes with friends. It’s a little early for making plans.”

“A little.” We’d known each other a month and it wasn’t even July. There’d been no reason to talk about this.

Sebastian let go of my hand, put his arm around me, and kissed my head. “I sense you are a big Christmas person.”

“I love Christmas. I love decorations, presents, baking cookies, snow. Not until after Thanksgiving though. I get very excited.” Putting up the tree and setting out my obscene number of snowmen was fun.

“I think we’ll do whatever you want this Christmas. It matters more to you. And if you decide to go to your parent’s house, I’ll follow you there too. Make sure they see exactly how happy you are.”

“You’re the sweetest.” I held my thumb and forefinger an inch apart, “And a little bit petty.”

“More than a little.”

#sebastian stan #sebastian stan fanfiction #fanfiction #sebastian stan X ofc #marvel actor fanfiction

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sign-from-god-complex · 5 years

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A Gift From Me To You - Chapter 2

Link to Chapter 1

Chapter summary: Roman recalls the beginning of a friendship; Logan is reminded of his childhood; Virgil panics.

Warnings: A slightly more in-depth mention of suicide and a brief description of a panic attack.

A/N: I hope this lives up to expectations??? You’d think I would be less nervous about posting fanfiction at this point, but I’ve worked real hard on this fic so I’m lowkey very anxious, haha. If you want to be added or removed from the tag list just let me know!! I expect there to be about 5 or 6 chapters? Just so y’all are aware.

AO3 link

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Patton and Roman arrived at school about ten minutes before the bell rang. Patton had stayed over at Roman’s after driving to see him that night and they’d spent the evening talking about what the soulmarks meant.

Pat was adamant that nothing had really changed. After all, he loved Roman no matter what the soulmark said, though it was nice to see the universe recognise that. Roman, after he’d calmed down slightly and after some persuading from Patton, agreed. He loved Patton and would have continued to do so even if the soulmark had never shown up. Now it was just… more official.

They’d decided they weren’t going to keep their marks secret. It would have hurt to hide them away after they’d only just discovered them, and anyway, if the drama club knew, it wouldn’t be long before the entire school did too. So they’d walked hand-in-hand to the front gate of the school before splitting up to head to their respective classes. Roman’s first class being maths, with their best friend Logan.

Logan had been an odd one, right from the very start.

Unsurprisingly, Patton makes friends left and right. He makes friends with anyone who’ll give him the time of day, and even those who won’t. Truly, Pat’s friendliness was one of the things Roman loved the most about him. He didn’t have any concept of social class, didn’t stay in his lane within the high school cliques, he just wanted to make sure everyone felt accepted and loved. It was truly heartwarming.

However, the first time Patton had shown up to their regular lunch table dragging a nerd by the arm behind him, Roman was a bit taken aback.

Patton had explained, very quickly and with lots of enthusiasm, that this was Logan and he was in his history class and he was so smart and he was his project partner for this and that, etc. etc. Roman had stopped listening after about 5 minutes. He loved Patton, truly he did, but sometimes he went a little bit overboard singing other people’s praises—which was fine when it was Roman’s praises he was singing, but it was a little boring when it wasn’t.

He’d tuned back in to Patton just in time to hear him say, “So what d’you think?”, his look questioning.

Roman had cursed himself out in his head for not paying attention. He certainly wasn’t going to let Patton know he wasn’t listening, cause he’d get that little concerned crease in his forehead and Roman would feel terrible. Which only left… giving some kind of answer, and sending a prayer out into the universe that it was an acceptable one—not that the universe had ever been great at answering his prayers before.

“Oh… yeah, sure…” he’d replied.

Patton’s answering grin had nearly blinded him. Roman had given a relieved sigh at the fact that clearly, he’d given the right answer, before Patton had turned to Logan.

“See, Logan! I told you he wouldn’t mind!”

Suddenly, Roman had become a lot more concerned about what exactly it was he’d agreed to.

It had appeared that Roman had agreed to let Logan hang out with them from that point on, as he’d seemed to have joined them on a majority of their out-of-school outings and he’d begun sitting with them at lunch regularly.

At first, Roman had been a bit put out by this. Patton was his boyfriend and he barely got to spend any time with him alone anymore! He’d tried his best to be nice despite his feelings though, because he’d known that if he’d been rude to Logan, Patton would have been crushed.

He’d almost perfected his act of polite but disinterested when a particularly bad day had caught up with him.

He’d had a horrible audition the night before, and he’d had to walk home in the rain since no one was there to pick him up. That’s not to mention that he’d come home to realise he’d left his window open and all the papers and writings he’d left on his desk had been soaked and completely ruined.

The next morning he’d realised they were out of breakfast foods and he’d have to skip breakfast and go out and get more that afternoon and on top of that, his favourite red coat had a stain on it. Everything had just snowballed until Roman was in a particularly foul mood.

Unfortunately, Roman hadn’t had any of his classes that morning with Patton, so he hadn’t seen him until he’d also seen Logan.

“Patton. Nerd,” he’d greeted with a slight sneer in Logan’s direction.

“Prep,” Logan had replied, taking his regular seat next to Patton at the table. And suddenly Roman hated that he was allowed a ‘regular’ seat.

“So how’s the geek squad going today? Oh I’m sorry, did I say geek squad? I meant squadless geek. Hah! You’re alone!”

Logan raised his eyebrows, looking unamused.

“Well, I was certainly doing better before I was exposed to your unfortunate visage. Did you know you’re the loudest person in this entire school? Both in personality and… attire. Even looking at you gives me a headache.”

Roman was shocked. Logan just looked at him, one eyebrow quirked, expression completely calm. He’d snarked back. Suddenly, Roman was a lot more interested.

After that day, banter had become a regular feature of the friend group, though it had certainly held less sting. Roman had started to actually pay attention to what Logan said, and although a lot of it was nerd speak that he didn’t understand or care about, Logan did occasionally say some interesting things. They’d gotten into more than a few heated arguments, though they were always pretty quick to make up afterwards, with Roman spouting some nerd-related nickname and Logan gently insulting him. And one day Roman woke up to realise the nerd he’d spent so long ignoring and disliking was actually one of his best friends.

Said best friend was currently picking at a bandage wrapped around his wrist; a bandage that had definitely not been there when he’d seen him yesterday.

“Heya, specs,” Roman said, dropping into the seat next to him, “What’s up with your wrist? You hurt it or something?”

Logan looked slightly pained before his usual calm expression took over his face again.

“Yes. I’ve just strained it from too much typing, I think. Nothing to worry about.”

Roman raised his eyebrows at that. Patton always worried about him overworking himself. If he heard Logan had injured himself doing just that, no bathroom he could hide in would be safe.

Logan had a tendency to push himself past his limits, insisting that he had to finish this assignment tonight or he had to spend all night studying for this test. It drove Pat insane trying to get Logan to take care of himself for once—truly a never-ending journey.

Roman had even tried to give his input on one occasion, telling Logan that grades weren’t the most important thing and who cares about how you do on one assignment anyway. Logan had become so instantly furious with him that Roman had never tried again, simply pointing Patton over to him whenever he felt it was needed and taking his leave. He loved Logan, but he certainly could be scary sometimes.

Before Roman could relay any his thoughts to Logan, however, the teacher entered the room. Roman rushed to grab his book out of his bag before he could get called out. Logan refused to talk during lessons, so Roman would just have to wait until after class.

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As soon as the bell rang, signifying the end of the period, Logan swept his books into his bag and rushed out the door before Roman could even open his mouth to speak to him.

He knew Roman was going to speak to him. Logan wasn’t the world’s most excellent liar, in fact it would be fair to say he wasn’t very good at all, so he knew he needed to minimise the number of questions about his wrist in any way that he could. If this included spending less time outside class with his friends, well, then so be it.

Logan couldn’t risk them seeing it. He couldn’t risk them cooing over it, telling Logan how pretty it was, how lucky he was that he finally had a soulmate. Logan didn’t want a soulmate.

Not anymore.

When he was younger, soulmates had fascinated him the same way they’d fascinated Roman, but not for the same reasons. While Roman had adored the romance of it all, Logan had been interested in the science; he’d wanted to know how soulmarks were formed and why.

When he was about 7, he’d gone around the neighbourhood one day with a little tape recorder asking every couple he knew—both with matching soulmarks and without—a series of questions. People are always more willing to answer the questions of children, as they feel they have to indulge them, and Logan used this to his advantage.

The last couple he’d asked were his own parents. Though he knew a lot of the answers to his questions already, he still had to ask them, for the sake of scientific accuracy.

It had been a good day. The sun had shone through the window onto the kitchen table where they sat. His mother had laughed at his father as he’d pretended to forget the story of how they met, nevermind that they’d both told it to him a hundred times. After he’d completed his questions he shook both their hands before his father lifted him up and set him on the counter to help with dinner. His mother had giggled as he tried to steal pieces of food that she was chopping up and his father had spun him around as he laughed.

Logan thought that in that moment his parents had been the most beautiful he had ever seen them, because they were happy. Though, it seemed it couldn’t last.

Logan had gone over his data later that evening and found… nothing. There was no consistent level of similar or correlated personality traits, there were no common favourite foods or colours, there was nothing in Logan’s data set to indicate that these people should be any better suited for each other than any others.

All his research was useless. Logan didn’t understand, and he hated not understanding.

Within the next week, his mother was gone. Strung up in her room, her beautiful smile missing from her face, her body limp and lifeless.

Another thing Logan didn’t understand.

There would be no more stealing food off her chopping board as she cooked dinner, there would be no more listening to her correct his father when he joked that they’d certainly met at a clown festival, right? There would be no more hugs or evenings on the couch or her comforting him when he was sad.

And he was sad.

His father’s smile seemed a little more fragile after that, and slowly as time went by, he stopped smiling altogether. Logan was left to get himself to school and complete his homework alone at the kitchen table. He was fine. He had school work to do, he needn't worry about anything else. School work didn’t require him to feel, it just required him to think, and that’s the way he preferred it. Emotions were awful, ugly things. He didn’t need that.

When Logan had come home to find his father on the couch, too still to be breathing, so reminiscent of the way his mother had been, Logan was reminded of why he’d avoided emotions in the first place.

The call to the emergency services had been teary and had since become hazy in his mind. He’d joined his father in the ride to the hospital and by the time he’d finally awoken, Logan was furious.

He’d yelled at him. He’d yelled and yelled until his voice was hoarse and his breaths were quick and choppy. He’d yelled until one of the nurses had to come in to tell him he was disturbing the other patients. He yelled until he was sobbing on the floor, mourning his sense of innocence and the childhood he never got to finish.

Mourning the mother he barely got to love.

So, when his 10th birthday came and went, Logan was pleased that he hadn’t developed a soulmark. Soulmates were dangerous, he knew that now, no matter how much he’d once thought them beautiful.

And, if somewhere—pushed back into the dark corners of his mind or maybe buried deeply in his heart—he longed for his soulmate to be Roman or Patton, well… that was no one’s business but his own.

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Virgil’s first class seemed to drag on forever. His head was still reeling with the events of the previous night, and he just wanted to get to English with Remy so that they could… well, he wasn’t exactly sure what. He just needed to talk to them to try and get his goddamn feelings sorted out.

So, of course, it was just his luck that first period ran late and he barely had time to get to English class before the teacher showed up. Taking his usual seat at the back of the room next to his best friend, Virgil grabbed out his book and scribbled down a note, before passing it across the aisle to Remy.

D’you wanna see it?

Remy had been practically buzzing since the moment Virgil had walked in. It was a massive change of pace from how’d they’d been last night, but to be fair, it had been 2 am and they’d both been in a slight state of shock.

They quickly grabbed out a pen and gave their reply.

GUURL!! OF COURSE I WANT TO SEE IT!!!

Virgil chuckled slightly under his breath. Remy was certainly an excitable person when given good reason to be. Their energy was sort of limitless, and yet at the same time, they were pretty much always tired; it was a weird balance Virgil had yet to figure out.

Virgil was about to pull back the sleeve of his hoodie when he was interrupted by a whisper from the two boys sitting in front of him. Normally, this wouldn’t have given him pause, but who they were whispering about was a… point of interest for Virgil.

“Did you hear what happened to Roman Prince last night?”

Ah, yes, Roman Prince. Roman Prince, the head of the drama club; Roman Prince, the most handsome person you’ll ever meet; Roman Prince, who Virgil had had a crush on before he’d even realised he liked boys.

Roman Prince, who didn’t have a soulmark, but did have a boyfriend, and was far too good for Virgil anyway.

That Roman Prince.

Remy looked impatient and Virgil just held up one finger to indicate he needed a second.

“No, what happened?”

“He developed a soulmark!”

Virgil felt his heart stop in his chest.

“What? Really?”

“Yeah! He had, like, a breakdown in front of the entire drama club cause he thought it was a prank, but I saw it change! Like, ‘simple flower’... then BOOM! ‘Bouquet of flowers’. It was like blinking or something.”

Virgil had gone stock still in his chair. His blood was rushing in his ears, drowning out the sound of the room around him.

He’d been willing to write it off as a coincidence that they’d both spontaneously developed soulmarks on the same day, but that… sounded like his soulmark. Which was impossible, right? I mean, Roman Prince was extraordinary. He was the most talented actor and singer Virgil had ever encountered (though he may be slightly biased); he got the lead for the musical almost every year, and nobody was ever surprised. Even his boyfriend was extraordinary. Patton Hart was one of the kindest people at this school, always looking for people to stand up for or to help out.

Virgil was just… ordinary. He didn’t deserve Roman; Patton deserved Roman.

He was about to raise his hand to ask to go to the bathroom so he could have a breakdown in peace when his eyes caught on a piece of paper sitting on his desk.

CALL ME WHEN YOU GET OUTSIDE. I WON’T PICK UP, I JUST NEED AN EXCUSE TO LEAVE.

Virgil stuffed both the note and his cellphone in his pocket before getting the affirmative from the teacher and dashing out the door. He grabbed out his phone as he ran down the corridor and was just about to hit call for Remy’s number when he ran directly into a solid object and was sent sprawling to the ground.

“Woah! Slow down there, dark and stormy night,” Virgil heard a voice say, “You’re gonna hurt yourself running around like that.”

Virgil turned over only to meet the eyes of the last person he wanted to see right now: Roman Prince. Virgil didn’t reply, just stared for a few moments before searching around frantically for his cell phone, hoping he hadn’t broken it in the fall. He spotted it, just in time to see Roman lean down to pick it up.

“Oh, you’re friends with Remy Wake? I know him! Cool dude.”

Virgil’s brain granted him the small mercy of processing that sentence enough to provide some kind of appropriate response.

“Them,” Virgil croaked.

“Sorry?”

Roman sounded confused, but Virgil pressed on.

“Remy’s genderqueer; they use they/them pronouns.”

Honestly, thank god that his need to make sure Remy’s gender is known and respected outweighed his increasing panic. And his panic was definitely increasing. He needed to get out of this situation before he made an even worse impression than he already had and had a panic attack in front of the guy.

“Oh, my bad! Thanks for letting me know!”

Roman gave Virgil a dazzling smile, which made Virgil feel slightly lightheaded, before reaching his hand out to help Virgil back to his feet. It was fair to say that any semblance of calm Virgil once had in this moment was completely blown out of the water at this point, because there, on Roman’s wrist, was a bouquet of daisy-like flowers. An exact match to Virgil’s soulmark.

Virgil scrambled to his feet, ignoring the hurt that flashed across Roman’s face as he denied his offer for help. Before Roman could even blink, Virgil had snatched his phone out of his hand and disappeared down the corridor.

Locking himself in the furthest bathroom stall, Virgil sank to his knees. Tears were stinging in his eyes and it was getting harder and harder to control his breathing. He tried to dial Remy’s number but his hands wouldn’t stop shaking.

How could the universe have gotten things so wrong?

Virgil knew the groups that Roman hung out with. He may be a drama geek, but he was one of the most popular and talented people in the entire school. His boyfriend was one of the kindest and his best friend was one of the smartest. Virgil didn’t belong anywhere in that picture. The only thing Virgil was “one of the most” of was anxious. Yeah, Virgil was certainly one of the most anxious people you’ll ever meet, but anxiety doesn’t gain you awards or popularity. Rather the opposite.

“Hey, kiddo, you alright in there?”

A voice cut through his thoughts and Virgil’s stomach dropped through the floor as he recognised whose voice it was.

Patton Hart, aka Roman’s boyfriend.

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Chapter 3

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Tag list: @bunny222 @jadedfantasies231 @221b-quote @reinefandoms @i-really-dig-the-purple @bionic-egypt @not-so-innocent-bi-sander @mistress-jinx09 @soijusthavetoask @iamsexuallyattractedtopans @the-writersblock @theunoriginaldaisy @therubyjailcell @sandersfandersblog @hghrules

General tag list <3: @mutechild

#I can't believe I wrote sprain instead of strain I'm such an idiot hahah #those are different injuries #sanders sides #sanders sides fic #logan sanders #patton sanders #roman sanders #virgil sanders #lamp/calm #lo can write

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rainbow-neko-main · 5 years

Text

Freedom in Different Places (Ch. 2)

*cracks nuckles* les go-

---------------------

Jack woke up that morning to the smell of...bacon? "What the hell..." he mutters. No one is ever up this early. He usually makes breakfast for the other residents as he has to get up early to record videos and work before they go motoring. Who was in the kitchen? He decides to shuffle out of bed and creep down the hall in his pjs. He was sure it was just Anti makeing toast so he can lock himself in his room for today- or maybe Marv dropped in-

Jack froze in the doorway of the kitchen as he watched the capped man fry some bacon, next to a plate of premade pancakes, coffee, and...was that omlets?! He didn't even know Chase could cook! Let alone well! "Chase, bud, whats all this?" Jack asked in surprised. Chase jumps a little and speaks, not turning his head away from the pan infront of him. "Oh! Hello Jack, I uh...I wanted to get a headstart on the day ya know...? Just get some new looks on the city and all that..." he laughs nervously. Chase was a terrible liar and Jack knew this, but he must have a good reason for trying to hide it from him so he'll let it slide for now. "Well thank you for the food." He smiles and walks over, helping Chase plate and serve the food.

Anti walked down soon after and they all ate in peace. As a gang they were more than just acquaintances. They were family, 3 brothers liveing in their own house in the city. Chase glances over at the clock and apon noticing the time was 8:16 am looked panicked. The library opened at 8:30! He had to go-

Quickly, he proceeded to shovel the food into his face and drop his plates in the sink. Calling a quick "Ihavetogohaveagooddayloveyoubye!" With a flusterd face as he rushed out the door and slammed it behind him causeing Anti to jump. The man in question looks over at Jack and says "is...he okay?" With a quick reply, "Hes hideing soemthing but its not our buisness..." Jack sips his cup of coffee. Anti shrugs and finnished his food, heading back to his room for the day. Jack following suit to his recording room of foam walls.

Chase on the other hand was realing with adrenaline. Rideing around on a fast motorbike always made him feel so free...he could never understand those poeple who enjoyed staying cooped in all day...then again he had married one like that, a shame that his motoring caused such a rift in the family...he wasn't sure that emptyness would ever be gone...On his bike, the cares of the world flew away, left behind to eat his dust, he would go on for hours thinking that one stop, one break and they would catch up to him, break him down and throw him into a grinder. However he had to stop, as the small pristine building came into veiw, the sign above reading the purpose of the place loud and clear, "Library". And there at the doors was the man he wanted so desperately to see again.

Henrik was just about to open the doors of the library when he heard a sudden voice call to him causing him to squeak in surprise and drop his keys. "Henrik! Oh, sorry did I startle you...?" He remmebers that voice! Oh god- he quickly bent down and picked up his keys, turning only to meet the man, Chase, face to...chest. damn he was tall. His face flushed slightly as he looked up and met his eyes. "Oh n-no no! Its fine! I'm just easily startled Chase..." The man beamed, happy that the librarian remmeberd his name. Henrik looked around the parking lot questioningly, he didnt see any cars around for Chase to be here so ear....ly.....oh....

Was that a....motorcycle!? A freaking motorcycle!? His face flushed hotter and he coughed trying to compose himself. "What brings you here so early Chase?" He smiles up at the man, failing to hide the obvious flush in his attempt to protend nothing was wronge. Chase however....had other plans. It was his turn to flush. "Yeah I was just wondering if you would....maybe like to spend some time together some time." Henrik blinked. He wasn't sure he had heard the man correctly. "N-nothing like, a restraunt or anything- unless you want to! But your uh....number....or contact? I just uh....you seemed really nice yesterday and-"

"HAHAHAAHAAHAH-" Chase was cut off by a loud german laugh. Thinking that Henrik was laughing at him, he looked down at his shoes in disappointment. "Sorry...that was a stupid question-" "N-no no! Chase please, you just shocked me is all!" Henrik giggled slightly calming down. Chase perked up at that. "Does this mean you'll hang with me!?" Henrik smiled brightly and nodded. "I have to work the library today but...are you free sunday?" "Yes! Totally!" Henrik nodded and went inside for a moment, returning with a dark blue sharpie. He takes Chase's arm lightly and scribbles his number onto his hand and pulls away, completely oblivious to the blush on Chase's face. "Would you like to spend the day inside with me for now?" Henrik suggests. In actuality he just wanted to be inside. The outside world was...scary to say the least. Full of germs and thi ng s that could harm you at any second. Henrik felt as in worlds described in storys were enough for him. They were much more fun aswell in fantasy cases.

Chase froze up a little as he thought about staying inside all day....in the cramped library....with Henrik....that last part wasn't so bad actually, but all day?! He thought about it and in the end...he nodded yes! Henrik smiled and pulled him inside happily. And thankfully the day actually got better. Chase, found himself incredibly calm around Henrik, at this point he would have been running anxiously for the exit or haveing a panic attack but...even now he felt it. The calm surrounding Henrik...it was like the embrace of a close friend or even....a lover...

"Chase? Helloooo earth to motorbike!" Chase snaps out of it and looks over at the laughing Henrik. "Your really out of it, something on your mind?" "Oh it's nothing. I just don't normaly feel this calm in enclosed spaces. I guess..." Chase paused a moment and looked directly at Henrik while speaking the next line. "You being here is enough to calm me down..." Henrik can feel his heart stop. The library around them suddenly felt...so small. Like they were just two people in a closet. So close...

"Anyways, what were you trying to get my attention for?" Chase asked, interupting Henrik's train of thought. Henrik jumped a little and responds "oh! Right, its late now so its time for us to head home." Chase glanced outside and stared at the dark. "By the way. I didn't see your car out there. You don't happen to walk do you?" "Yes why?" "Henrik its way to dark for you to walk home. How about I drive you there?" Now it was Henrik's turn to freeze up. Ride with him!? On the death bike?!? He did bring up a good point...it was dark...."O...okay"

Chase walks him down to the bike, pulling out a spare helmet he keeps for situations like this and handing it to the librarian. He puts his own on and hops on the bike. Gestureing for Henrik to hop on behind him. He hesitantly follows the direction, wrapping his arms around Chase's waist to not fall off. Both blushed a little at that but soon that was forgotten as Chase kicked the motobike into gear and started the ride to the address Henrik had given him when they left. At first Chase didn't open his eyes, he was just hugging Chase tightly and buried his face into the biker's back. But soon that feeling of dread started to fade away as he felt the wind. The fears he held onto about being...out here. In the open. Suddenly melted. As if the person he was holding on to so tightly was a lighter and his fears were an icecube. He slowly losed his grip and looked up a the passing sites. The same adrenaline that filled Chase now flowed through henrik as he let out a loud cheer of excitement through the helm. Chase grinned at Henrik's yell and joined in as they both rode fast and furious to Henrik's house.

Apon reaching their destination they got off the bike and were now standing infront of Henrik's doors. "Hey thanks for the ride...that was actually a lot of fun!" Henrik smiled shyly at the other, who returned it in kind. "No problen, thanks for letting me stick around. It was really nice to just, hang with you..." they stared at eachother for a moment and...there it was again, the closet feeling, aa if they were just two people in a closed off space from the rest of the world. Just them...

Chase couldn't take it. He leaned forward and quickly pecked Henrik's lips, befor pulling away and sprinting back down the pathway to his bike. "I'll call you! Cya on sunday Hen!" He called out, leaveing the blushing stuttering mess of a librarian on his welcomeing mat. Henrik's hand rested over his lips, shocked that just happened. There was not enough words in any of the books what could describe how happy he was...

He was definitely going to see Chase on Sunday though!

#jacksepticeye #antisepticeye #chase brody #henrik von schneeplestein #henrik x chase #freedom in different places #fanfic #fanfiction #my writing #fic #my fic #FIDP

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amnachil · 5 years

Text

The College Society Chapter 2 Part 7

Enjoy :) One part left for chapter 2 !

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey holidays from Thursday December 20 to Sunday January 6

In the Smith family, Christmas meant orgy. In the Carrey family, it meant binge. For the blond lad, it meant both. To be clear, of course he didn't had sex with his blood relatives. But with the others... His brother-in-law was more than happy to have a taste of his cock. Each year since the first time they had met by the way. My sister have a good taste in men, I can't control it. He also slept with his mother's bestfriend. The old lady only liked the missionary position, but eh, why not. The delivery girl who brought the pizza really loved his skills with his tongue. Their neighbors were up for a threesome, like last year. Anyway, the day after christmas, he got a call from Zack. They talked for a bit. Then, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey went back to this cute girl which was sucking his dick.

Around the last day of December, he left the town for a special mission. Generally, during the holidays, he just enjoyed himself with as much people as possible. Then, he would focus back in the hunt in January. But the preys were already submissive before the holidays. Usually, one week was enough to catch them. Then they were banging one week or two. And then he started a new hunt. But Liam. Liam was so special. So different. His weakness for food was a very important point. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey was kind of a chef. He liked to cook, and he was the head of the cooking club at the university. He could use this at his advantage. But it's not enough. This baboon will not gave in so easily. The Dean's grandson needed more fucking information. That was why he had bought this ticket. For a soccer game and a special encounter with the players.

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey didn't really watch the game. He found a whore in the public who was eager to fuck him, and they spent most of the time in the toilet. But afterwards, he joined the group of VIP, and entenred in the lockroom. It was easy to notice Raphaël Muller among the players. Not only because he was ginger. He had a bloody sex-appeal. He was incredibly handsome, yes, but a coldness also emanated from him. He's a hunter. I can smell it. A satisfied hunter. My complete opposite in a way. When it was Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey's turn to talk to him, he smiled.

"Hi. Liam Strucker talked so much about you. I'm a huge fan."

Raphaël didn't believe him at all. Damnit. Not good.

"Nice to meet you." the ginger lad greeted with a ontuous but cold voice. "It's surprising from Liam, because I don't think he even remembers who I am when I'm not next to him."

"Well, he's absent minded, I know that. You two are close ?"

"I wonder who you are." smiled the other. "I mean, don't take this the wrong way, but you sounds hungry. Not for food."

Now I know why Liam isn't impressed by me at all. He already met quite a specimen. Come here might have been a bad idea. But now, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey was fucked. This dude might become a real pain in his ass.

"Fuck it." he mumbled. "You already guessed what I fucking want from this lucky bastard. Are you going to help or not ? I don't have the whole fucking day."

"I can tell you something you might find useful." conceded Raphaël. "You can't have Liam in your bed if you don't give your heart in exchange. He's one of the last true lover this society produced."

"Don't be so sure about this." retorted the blond lad. "I agree with you, he's a bally authentic. But I can corrupt him."

"You're cocky."

"You too dude."

In other circumstances, we would get along so well. Sex with him must be amazing. However, Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey had finally learnt something important. This hunt was his very last. The hunt of his life.

For the New Year, he obviously had a lot of sex. With a lot of people. He went to a party with former highschool buddies, and banged some of them. In groups. In the morning, he met Zack, and they had a good time together, but no sex. He knew where to put limits. Then, he headed back in the campus. Summer picked him up at the airport.

"Glad to see you." she greeted him. "I hope your holidays went well ?"

"Focus on the road you cunt. I don't want to die because you don't know how to drive."

"Sorry."

Damnit, she was a real stupid cow. When they arrived, he asked :

"Did Liam came back already ?"

"Yeah. He's studying with his roommate." she answered. "Why ? Do you give up ?"

Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey looked at her, surprised.

"Why would I dummy ?"

"It's the first time I see you struggling so much."

Moron. Fucking useless fuckwit. She's dumber everytime I see her. It's time to reawaken her competitive's spirit. He already knew someone perfect to bring some competition. A little roach ready to do eveything he asked for in order to be a ruler. And now, it was time to begin the hunt again.

Liam Monday January 7

The first exam didn't go well for the poor lad. The next will be as difficult... Not only he didn't study much, but he also had been daydreaming during the test. I couldn't focus because there was a weird cloud. (For real, it looked like a giraffe).

"Look at her." muttered Nick next to him. "Walking like a queen. And to think that we were friend."

Liam glanced at Rebecca. Apparently, the girl had sent to his roommate a letter he didn't liked at all. During his holidays, he mostly played videogames and stuffed his face. But he probably passed the test anyway. I'm not this lucky. Maybe I should try some magic trick. (Seriously, magic was powerful). (Once, he saw a rabbit stepping out from a hat !).

"Liam dude. Wake up."

The chestnut lad stared at Nick. Then he noticed Pete and a girl. They were all looking at him, a bit worried.

"Yes, what ?"

"Sorry, you didn't hear what I just said ?" Pete was amazed. "Well, this is Leila Hart, a classmate. She said she needed to meet you so..."

Liam greeted her politely. I saw her somewhere. She looks familiar, but I forgot where I met her. (Definitely, Liam the absent minded was back). (Better than Liam the depressed tho).

"I'm Colton's twin sister." she said. "You're the guy who knows Barbara, right ?"

"Hum, yeah. Why ?"

He had a bad feeling about this. His old friend resented him for what happened to his ex boyfriend. What did she tell to her friends ?

"Well, she just broke up with Colton, supposedly because he's your friend and she doesn't like this. And look, I don't wanna know why she hates you. But I want my twin brother to be happy, and this slut just ditched him like a trash. But I think he's deeply in love with her, so can you talk to her ?"

Oh. Crap. Well, at least he had one good week with Nate. (Now, he was sure a powerful and strong witch cursed him). (Or a Lich, but whatever, he was doomed). He wanted to lay down right here in recovery position and just wait. But he promised his bestfriend to make an effort. Nick nudged him.

"Dude, stop stargaze and answer to the girl."

"Sorry. Well, I'll need to talk to Colton first, but I'll see what I can do."

"Good." stated Leila. "Because if you don't, trust me I will smash your pretty face in."

After this sweet encounter with Colton's twin sister, Nick and Liam hit the canteen. They also started to review the exam of this afternoon. At least until Dami showed up. The blond lad sat at their table and smiled softly.

"Hi dudes. I hope you're succeeding those exams ?" he greeted them. "Look, I won't be long. Liam, I have a little something for you. A gift for good luck."

The chestnut lad had never realised before how scary Dami's eyes were before. The poor man probably suffered from a malediction too. (It was plausible). (Witches could be so mean with innocent boy and girl all around the world). The blond lad suddenly slapped him.

"Hey Liam, I'm talking to you. Here, take this."

He offered a pie. An aromatic, appetising pie.

"Thank you Dami."

This one gnahsed his teeth, but forced a smile. He wished them good luck and left. Nick took a slice of the pie and comentated :

"Your relationship is so weird. This dude gives me the shivers. Damian Nicholas Smith-Carrey, brr..."

"He's nice." assured Liam while taking a slice too. "And his pie is succulent."

At the end of the afternoon, the chestnut lad had an appointment he didn't want to go. But his mother wanted him to see a shrink. She had called him yesterday, and she had said how much she loved him. She wasn't blaming him, but herself, and she was sorry for everything. (At this point, he had felt worst than before but a bit relieved too). And so Liam met his new psychologist. It was a nice woman, Ms. Hang, who greeted him kindly. Nonetheless, for half an hour, they didn't speak much. The couch was comfy, and he liked it. He spent the time thinking about unrelated stuff. (For example, as someone ever wondered how to transform into an angel ?) (Because angel were humans blessed by god, weren't they ?) Eventually, the shrink asked :

"Maybe we should talk about those panic attacks, don't you think Liam ?"

"I don't know, should we ?"

He honestly didn't want to. He was fine. (Okay, maybe not totally fine but you got the point).

"Do you think I'm judging you ?"

"Isn't it your job ?"

"No Liam it's not. Do you feel unconfortable with judgment ?"

She asks so many questions. I want to go to sleep. It was a complete waste of time for both of them. But maybe she would agree to let him take a nap on her couch.

"Our session is almost over." she smiled. "Wanna know what I wrote on my notebook ?"

"Not really."

"I think you're running away from your problems as fast as you can." she said anyway. "You're not trusting people easily are you ? After what happened with your family and your ex-boyfriend in 12th grade, you started to be more and more dreamy, disconnected from the reality. All that in order to avoid facing reality. And it became natural. But it's not always working is it ? Sometimes, you can't just ignore the problem right in front of you."

"I don't like you anymore." he grumbled. "Neither your couch."

"We'll work with all this. Even the couch if you want. I'm not a life fixer, I can't change what you or your parents did. But I'll help you to face it. That's my job."

"You'll make me judge me ?"

She didn't answer, a bit surprised by his summary. The session ended like this. He wasn't sure it really helped but... at least his mother would be pleased. (And he had found a nice couch, he was eager to search the same for his appartment). He would be back next week anyway.

Rebecca Wednesday January 9

Until now, exams went well. After all, the black girl had spent her whole holidays studying. However, this evening, she had something else in mind. Matthew was supposed to come soon, and they would start the plan. But before that, she needed Bob to leave. For now, his coach was checking her computer. She was feeling betrayed. I thought I could trust you, but you're on my parent's side. According to him, she wasn't in good condition for the Olympics without his monitoring. Rebecca wanted to go to the Olympics, but it wasn't fair. Both her parents and Bob used it as an excuse to control her life.

"It seems everything is fine..." started her coach. "...except one curious thing. Why did you make a research about this Nicolas Lawson ?"

Oh shit. I had deleted my history... It was just to check what Liam had said. Nick actually was a genius.

"I got it my girl. He's still harassing you, isn't he ? I'm gonna talk with him."

"No. That won't be necessary Bob." she said. "He came to me to apologise. We're good now, I'm never seing him again. You've my word."

"Okay. But remember, you can always come to me if you need help."

She nodded. I just avoided a major crisis. She lied to Bob, because Nick was just mad. Really, really mad. And the more she lied about him, the more she felt ashamed. I never thanked him for everything he had done. And he's taking care of Liam. I misjudged him since the very beginning.

Once Bob finally left, she changed for the plan. She wore a slinky dress, emphazising her forms.The sophomore arrived a bit later with Chelsea. He complimentated her, and sat in her sofa with a smile.

"Today we'll free you. Emilio isn't aware of what's happening ?"

"No, I managed to keep it secret."

Since monday, her imposed boyfriend was more and more possessive. He was following her almost everywhere, always with an hand on her shoulder. From outside, he seemed a bit overprotective. But for her, he was a real tyrant. And tonight, she expected to put an end at all this.

"So, who's the guy I'll have sex with ?" she asked. "I made myself a reason, as you said it's just sex, nothing more. I'm ready."

"That would be me." answered Matthew with a grin.

What ? He wasn't joking at all. But he's with Chelsea. They're a fuckin' couple. The nurse wasn't surprised. She even looked okay with it. Shit. I should decline.

"Before you change your mind, just think about it." whispered the sophomore. "I'm here, so it's easy to do it right now. And I have a girlfriend, so I won't be emotionally tempted. It's worth a shot."

"I'm fine with it." added Chelsea. "C'mon Rebbie, my Matt is a good lay !"

The black girl hesitated. Maybe he was expecting this the whole time. Maybe it's only a plan for him to have sex. She looked at him more closely. A bit taller than her, he was blond with blue eyes. He was well-dressed, quite hunky with a kinda pretty face. She never had thought about him that way but in truth, he wasn't ugly.

"It's your only chance to get rid of Emilio." he reminded. "No one except me will help you."

"Okay. Let's do this."

They went alone in her bedroom. Matthew took his phone out of his pocket and smiled again.

"I'm gonna film the whole thing as a proof for Emilio. Okay ?"

Really ? Is it necessary ? She tried to contest, but he suddenly kissed her intensely. He pushed her onto the bed and laid over her.

"I'll be gentle." he assured. "I promise."

While kissing her, he took off their clothes. At this point, she was too horny to discuss. It was just sex, like Ollie had said. I can do this. It'll be fine. Matthew had a bigger penis than she expected. And he knew how to use it. One orgasm became two. And then three. She couldn't stop, he neither. They were moaning strongly. Suddenly, the door opened. Emilio stormed in, beside himself. He looked completely mad. His eyes were enraged, his face disfigured with anger. What the hell is he doing here ?! Rebecca hid her body with the blanket, terrified. It was bad. Really, really bad.

"Hey dude." smiled Matthew, not surprised at all. "You took your time."

"I just didn't believe when Chelsea came sayin' you were sleeping with my girlfriend !" yelled Emilio. "How dare you do this a second time ?"

What ? A second time ? What does that even mean ?

"I'm a thief." laughed Matt. "And you're a patsy. Not my fault."

"She's my girlfriend !" screamed the mexican guy. "She loves me."

"Does she ? Ask her man. It's like Chelsea, she didn't like you either. A home-hunter, who could live with someone like this ?"

Rebecca was still stunned. Her brain started to work slowly. Chelsea was with Emilio ? How come I didn't know this ? She also remembered what she read about thief hunter. They liked to steal other's lovers. It was an article of someone livin' in the town, with the pseudo D.R.. She probably could trust it.

"Rebecca." mumbled Emilio. "You love me right ?"

She didn't hesitate long. After all, Matthew was there.

"No. Not anymore. You're scaring me, and I don't want to see you again."

"She's brave isn't she ?" laughed the sophomore. "Get the fuck off Emilio."

He did what they asked. He left, just like that. Is it over ? So easily ? Rebecca couldn't believe Matthew's plan worked.

"You're free." stated this latter. "I don't think he'll come back around anytime soon. Now... Do you want to discover something very nice with Chelsea and me ?"

To be continued

So we’re almost done with Chapter 2.

The hunt is going well, Damian is getting very invested hehe. He wants Liam and he knows the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach ;)

Will Liam be pleased or not, we’ll see that soon.

As for Rebecca well, she escaped the home-hunter, but now she’s with a thief. So will she accepts that or not ?

#the college society #cs #Damian Nicholas Smith Carrey #Liam #Rebecca #exams #Raphaël says hi #hunters are everywhere #Matthew got what he wanted #chapter 2 #part 7

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tellmesomethinggg · 5 years

Text

journal 76

hello hello hello

how i’ve missed you

much to say, hopefully i can get the important stuff out before sleep. if i can put down my phone for a bit lol

where to start? how about the feeling of life racing by and everything still going snail speed. like the days are moving, but i’m not making the progress i need/want to be making because i just don’t have a schedule to work out routinely, i don’t make enough money to save up for a car, i don’t meet people to make new friends and maybe even date. general anxieties about my lack of what i perceive to be success. sucks, but we learn to live with it until something happens. but in the meantime, dealing with it leaves me on autopilot mode, zoning through the days and not really present i guess. i’ve gone to disney so many times and i just don’t get the same feeling as i’ve always gotten, but also, there’s a lot of dread because i only have like three more months of being able to just go to disney which is not a fun thought and may be putting a mood over me when i go now. i could go on about all this for a lot longer, to explain more, but i think this gets the general picture. i could come back to this topic later, i have other things i want to make sure i cover.

i thought that i’d be fine, in terms of seeing matt again, what with us being at puerta and sharing friends from ondas. but he moved in in the past weekend, while i’ve been with family/working, and i had to stop by the apartment before work one day, and i almost had a panic attack while driving. i could feel my heart beating faster and faster, and i had to tell myself to breathe, just breathe, i’m driving i need to just breathe and i’m around the corner, i’m fine, you know? i managed to de-escalate enough to drive safely to the apartment and get inside, but i think paulina could tell i wasn’t okay. if i think back now, i probably sounded crazy. i’m pretty sure i was talking too fast for normal, and shaking too, and i asked her - before, when i had originally told them both about everything that had happened, they offered, “if you want, matt can be not allowed in the apartment”, paired with some casual joking about kicking him out, and i said no, i i’ll be fine, i’ll be civil and mature or whatever - and so i asked, if he could not be allowed in the apartment, and she quickly agreed, which was a bit of a relief. and this was back on tuesday. i texted jon about it and just told her, and she was supportive of my decision, but i didn’t really convey the strength of how much anxiety i had about this. then, yesterday (wednesday i guess), i went back again. no panic/anxiety attack, just an underlying anxiety, which i was able to talk away, because i was fine yesterday and didn’t run into him yesterday, so why would i today? it was also his birthday, which is not relevant, but hey. i ate and spent around 30-40 minutes at my apartment, alone, before going to starbucks. i went, and was on my phone while waiting for my drink. and i was on the snap map, and saw his location was nearby, obviously at his apartment. but the problem was, that it glitched for a bit. it showed his location in the parking lot, then when i zoomed in a bit, at starbucks. and this caused another onset of panic. i was internally freaking out, and didn’t want to turn around and look when someone walked in, but eventually forced myself to, and didn’t see him at all. i checked again, and the snap map was back to normal, with his location across the street in puerta and not with me at starbucks, and i was able to calm down a bit. i sat in the car for a bit, which gave me some psuedo confidence, and what i mean by this is that, i felt as though i could disguise any anxiety and whatnot if i were to run into him because i was in a forking tesla and had my nice pink drink with my fancy straw and felt better because of that. and then i went and got lunch with the roomies, conveyed my request to emilou, which she was also understanding about, and i went off. but the story doesn’t end there, and i went to work that night. and for some reason i had that unnerving concern that what if, matt and cole decided to go to spectrum because it was his birthday after all, and what if they passed by ae and saw me, and said hi, and i had to deal with that interaction while at work and freaking out inside, and this ate me up for a bit, worrying that that might happen. and that’s all that’s happened in the past few days concerning him, and i think the one thing i really have to say about this whole situation is, isn’t it scary how he went from talking me down and helping me with panic/anxiety to him being a trigger? isn’t it scary how he switched sides, from helpful, to hurting? what the fuck? why did it have to happen this way? the irony. that’s what i get for liking guys and making friends with guys i like.

i’m trying to remember what else i wanted to write about, but can’t. i feel like there was - oh. chloe. she texted today, asking about when i’m coming. and now i’m meeting her on monday to go to roseville to go shopping with money i don’t have, to have conversations i don’t want to have, to be with someone i don’t really want to be with. some part of me is frustrated that she won’t let me go, but another realizes that maybe she wants closure, but someone wanting closure wouldn’t ask to spend a whole day together, that’s someone who’s desperately trying to salvage something that’s been broken for months. i haven’t trusted her since april. it’s september now. this will be interesting. i really don’t want to do this, but also, i don’t know how to communicate that properly without dealing with the inevitable conflict and pestering parents. i need to stop letting my friends get close to my parents because then my parents get invested and i don’t like having to justify me cutting off someone to my parents and then get told that i should keep them in my life. this is frustrating.

also i really want the apple credit card because the rewards would be good for me, but i don’t make enough money for them to think i’m responsible enough, even though i’ve got real good credit. and i really wish i had 2500 dollars so i could buy a car and insurance and parking and not have to worry about borrowing a car. and also, being with my aunt and uncle and cousins through their day by day exchanges is a little weird and kinda awkward because i see the arguments and controlling and frustrations that i normally wouldn’t witness and it’s awkward to get caught in the middle of their conflict because i really don’t know how to deal with that. also i should call my mum, it’s been a while. and i should get some sleep, i’ve got to get ready for a long week and the beginning of getting back to school next week.

wish me good luck charlie, life is nonstop and has been nonstop, and the pace is about to get fast as fuck.

you should know better.

how am i supposed to know what’s on your mind? i’m tired of cracking code

you should know better.

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purge-that-urge-rhackathon · 5 years

Text

LET ME LOVE YOU!! ♡ ♡ XOXO

ヽ(；▽；)ノ First off, I just wanna SUPER thank from the bottom of my heart YET AGAIN for the kofis and all that good shit T_T A small handful of ya’ll paid for literally half my root canal, i want you to know, and that makes the overall burden so much smaller and like gives me the wiggle room to ‘make this work’ so to speak, like, the ultimate despair in trying to get my debt and life under control wasn’t for naught and i can work with this and just THANK YOU. You’ve given me financial relief AND actual hope over getting my life in order even with an emergency like this bullshit, and that wouldn’t be possible without you guys and I’m so so grateful and I know I keep just repeating the same words but i really wanna get home how much genuine gratitude i have, thank you SO much. You guys have got the biggest, most generous hearts and just HOLY FUCK (especially the morning of the procedure btw... you know who you are and what you did <3<3).

I was able to get the cash discount for the root canal too! It ultimately put the money back in my pocket to actually pay them with, and directly because of you guys, the crown I need afterwards isn’t going to fuck me now with the overall expenses reduced because of that discount (again, directly because of you; i wasn’t able to do that without) and like, I can manage all of this now if I’m really really careful financially, which like i was ready to throw the towel in before on life at this point, so thank you AGAIN you don’t know how far beyond just like a bill payment this is. It’s actually having a positive snowball effect on my overall life like this is HUGE so thank you (ˊ̥̥̥̥̥ ³ ˋ̥̥̥̥̥) ♡

^me on my way after procedure to action-hug the FUCK out of you sweethearts xD

AAAAND the update on the actual procedure itself is under the cut (i dont think im graphic but if you dont like needles maybe dont read haha). They couldn’t get me numb, so i’m going back monday morning x_x

So I only got ‘half’ the root canal done yesterday. She reached the maximum amount of anesthetic she’d give me and still could NOT get me numb. The worst part isn’t the crying in the chair from the panic attack from the intense pain, or even the pain itself, but the fact that I think she thinks that this is all anxiety-related (i disclosed my panic disorder and how nervous i was over the procedure within my forms, and during it she asked several times ‘oh did it scare you?’ cuz you know... vibrations and stuff, which can be scary, and i was like NO i can FEEL the drill on the fucking PULP CHAMBER i am in PAIN) and i think she thinks everything is me being scared due to my panic disorder? Which is stupid because i actually like shots (i know weird af hahaha) and im not scared of the drill (i was actually hella excited to get the root canal if only because it would mean an end to the very-real pain i’m in). My anxiety over this is also founded in very-real concern of the fact that my own dentist could not get this tooth numb before, and she couldn’t either.

So i go back monday morning, i am TERRIFIED she won’t be able to get me numb again and/or will try to drill me ‘fast’ because we had a window of like 2 minutes before it wore off on me and im scared to death about going back i’ve been having panic attacks since yesterday over it. Like, you know how you lay back in the dentist’s chair when they’re working, right? well i had a KNEE up at one point, an arm out to try and signal and get her attention, and i jerked hard three times before she finally let up (like REALLY? are you gonna keep drilling when the patient is clearly in distress??) SOooo i have some serious trepidation about going back, and my dad is gonna take me back next time and drive me, and i’m just terrified they aren’t going to take me seriously and like i feel i NEVER should have disclosed my panic disorder to them because now they think im over reacting or some shit when this is founded in the pain of feeling everything.

So. That really sucks. I called my dentist and cried over the phone about it too, so hopefully they’ll talk idk. The endodontist prescribed halcion and a valium for the night before (wtf this is NOT anxiety related, its anesthetic-immunity related) so i also called their office to say HEY im not anxious, this is pain-related, i CANNOT get numb.

So like, i’ll keep everyone updated on the horror show of fuckery that is my mouth T_T i’m not even done with my antibiotics yet and she said i had what they called a ‘hot tooth’ >:| like YEAH my entire fucking jaw and face and everything is in PAIN. This is some 7th cranial nerve shit I felt every shot after being ‘numbed’. She was able to break through the enamel to get to the pulp chamber and inject anesthetic directly into the tooth (THAT hurt like a goddamn bitch and didn’t numb either) and then inject medicine into the tooth (that supposedly dissolves flesh/pulp? idk i dont fully recall, i was in the grips of a panic attack as she was telling me) and put a temporary filling in so like, i am PRAYING it goes fine on monday. If she reaches the max dose again and can’t get me numb then im just gonna go to fucking pieces again. *knock on wood* let’s hope it doesnt happen.

The crappiest thing about this is, this is not my first root canal, and every other time it’s been pleasant and not at all an awful experience and just fine, and thinking about that too i kind of cry again because i have to go back and subject myself to the pain again and let me tell you, when you’re hurt somewhere that you can’t touch-- like hitting your pinky toe on an edge or hitting your funny bone, like that HURTS but you can still touch it if you want- but with this, all you can do is shake because the pain is so bad you’ve never experienced such an unbearable feeling before and you can’t even cry its so intense. So yeah, i’m not looking forward to that again, and the thrashing around i did in the chair was BEYOND minimal for what i was experiencing (because i have a very high pain tolerance and im also trying to be a ‘good’ patient’) soooo Pray. For. Mojo.

#poisonjack jabbers #im so grateful to you guys like without your help too id probably be anxiety-ing out even more (i was before T_T) which DOES increase pain #but thanks to that my only MAJOR concern is instead just getting numb instead of ALSO wondering which organ to sell HAHA #kidding but not >_> that 'living paycheck to paycheck' thing on the news is so fucking real #thanks for letting me keep all my organs inside me haha XOXO #real talk im in a place of seriously thinking i wont live to see 40 at this state haha i laugh so i dont cry :D #i hate the world but i have faith in humanity again and that is a big fuckin something <3

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sugaabooga · 6 years

Text

The Holiday Ghost

Pairing: Kim Jaehwan x Reader

Genre: fluff, little angst?, bullet scenario, ghost!Jaehwan

Word Count: 3.2k

Summary/Extra: MERRRRRRRYYY CHRISTMAAAAASSSSS!!! Part of the Christmas Packages:) thought i should start posting the writings ive finished even tho a lot of the kpop fandom has been through hard times last week! i’ve also extended this holiday thing until the end of my winter break, January 8th. ENJOY!

So you’ve never really been a fan of horror movies

But one day in the middle of December, winter break, your friends Jihoon and Woojin suggest the three of you watch the new horror movie that had recently came out

That was the worst decision you have ever made in your whole entire life

You couldn’t walk back home alone and made both the boys walk you

But either way it was scary

bc they wouldn’t stop scaring you!!!

“Y-Y/N….”

“STOPPPPP!!”

“THERE’S SOMETHING BEHIND YOU!”

And they would start sprinting down the sidewalk and leave you to stand alone in the flickering street light

You almost burst into tears

Jihoon and woojin felt really bad after you had a near panic attack

so Jihoon ends up walking in front of you and woojin walks behind you

b4 they leave they remind you that it’s not real and ghosts don’t exist

Blah blah blah

Their little assurance somewhat calms you

BUT YOU REALIZE YOUR PARENTS AREN’T HOME

IT’S LATE WHY AREN’T THEY HOMEEEEE

DID THEY DIE!? IF YOU GO IN THE BATHROOM WILL THEY BE LAYING THERE!?

you start running around the house and turn on every single light you have

you know you shouldn’t, but you really don’t wanna risk seeing a dark shadow in the mirror as you brush your teeth then be led to your death, so you don’t even step a meter near the bathroom

you change in the corner of your room so nothing would be able to stand behind you

You walk backwards into your bed then create a little house around your head with all your stuffed animals

you somehow fall asleep despite the feeling you had of someone watching you

But during the middle of the night you hear soft strumming of the guitar

At first you think that it must be your next door neighbor, Joshua playing his little morning warm-up

Then you see the time from your half opened eyes and holy shiz it’s only 2am

you start to hyperventilate and you can’t even close your eyes

Bc what if the killer ghost is hovering right above you when you choose to open them again

You can’t risk it

the strums come closer and closer to your window

and you feel yourself sweating more and your breathing becomes ragged

but then you hear humming of a soft, light tune

it makes you think back to third grade, first day of school

you remember a kid who always brought a ukulele to school

tbh you had a crush on that boy, but you couldn’t remember his name

he always sat with you whenever you mom was late to pick you up and he would play a short theme song like from a popular cartoon

his songs always assured you that your mom was coming to pick you up soon

and it helped you forget all the bullies and frights you had

the song that you were hearing rn was oddly familiar and it comforted you

The strums were nowhere near creepy, surprisingly and the hums lulled you back to sleep

When you wake up in the morning, you hear guitar strums again

your heart beats erratically but then you realize

The sun’s out

Which means

It’s bright and daytime

Which meanss

NO GHOSTS

Which meanssss

It was your cute neighbor joshua hong playing his guitar and singing with his heavenly voice

You just lay in your bed after opening your window a bit more so you can hear him sing

But then you realize….

It wasn’t joshua’s voice

Joshua had a softer, gentler voice

This voice was soft and gentle….

But there was strong emotion put into each word sung

way more emotion than a morning warm up

you slowly get up and peek out your window to see…

Nothing

You notice that the singing and guitar stopped as well

you slump back into your bed then think back to the horror movie from yesterday

It couldn’t be….

A GHOST!?!!?!?

You start screaming and crying at the same time when the scenes from the movie come rushing into your brain

You hear footsteps come up the stairs and you start screaming even louder

But stop when you see that it’s just your mom

“WHAT’S GOING ON!? IS EVERYTHING OKAY!?”

“MOOOOMMMMM!!! I THINK OUR HOUSE IS HAUNTEDDD!!”

cue your mom hitting your back and yelling at you

“I THOUGHT SOMETHING HAPPENED!”

“SOMETHING DID HAPPEN! I HEARD A GHOST SINGING!”

that just makes your mom even more mad

her slaps just drive you out of bed and you soon find yourself sitting out on your porch

You were currently rubbing your hands over your arms

bc it was FREAKIN cold

you couldn’t believe your mom had kicked you out of the house in the middle of December

you’re muttering to yourself how cold it is then you see a guy with a guitar slung over his shoulder walking down the sidewalk and across the street about to pass by your home

He seemed to be in a good mood

humming and all

but something just seemed off about him

he was rather….. pale

like transparent pale

you’re kinda worried bc what if this guy was rlly sick or something and he didn’t know about it bc he seemed to be in a good mood

“Hey!”

You yell from your chair and wave your arms

he turns to you and stares at you for a bit then keeps walking

you’re like “uh wut?”

you go down the steps and you honestly don’t even know what you’re doing

your feet were moving on their own

you felt like you had to help this person

“Excuse me?”

you call out, but the guy DOES NOT STOP WALKING

could he not hear?

you jog up behind him and reach your hand out to tap him

but

your hand goes through him

“AHHHH!”

the guy suddenly whips around in shock and looks at you with an equally bewildered look

you’re frozen on the spot

you can’t move no matter how creepy the situation is rn

“d-do you see me?” he almost whispers

“n-no”

He just starts laughing and it freaks the hell outta you

What kind of psychotic laugh was that!?

You felt shivers run up and down your spine as he tried to calm himself down

you slowly try to step away from him but Jaehwan does that creepy, nervous, cute looking smile

like do you know what smile im talking about

and he asks you “where are you going?”

your mind’s just going ‘GTFO GGTTFFOO”

you attempt to turn around and run, but you just fall flat on your face

How comedic would this look from your window?

“Are you okay?”

“STOP DON’T COME NEAR ME!”

tbh jaehwan is disheartened at your tone

He was ecstatic that someone could finally see him, but now they were getting scared bc of him

He just ignores those feelings and nervously chuckles

you don’t hear anything for a while and you start to stand up

then you hear music

Those guitar strums

that voice

Both those factors reminded you of that one boy who played to you

you frantically look around, but you couldn’t seem to see anything

then, you spot that ghost guy from earlier

he was sitting on the side of your house, leaned against the wall

If jaehwan remembered anything about humans, it was that they seemed to calm down when there was music

you slowly walk over to him, your feet making crunching noises on the fresh snow

You just stand across from him listening to his voice

when he stops you look at him in surprise and disappointment

“Why’d you stop playing?”

Jaehwan smirks

“You seemed pretty calm enough”

he stands up to take his leave

“Y-You’re voICE IS NICE!”

you’re still kinda creeped out about the fact that he’s a ghost AND WHY ARE YOU SEEING HIM!?!!?

but he just had this familiar comforting feel

you stop him by reaching out for his arm when he merely smiles at your compliment and starts to walk away from you

then remember he’s a frkn ghost

but as you retract your arm you feel the cloth of his jacket

0o0o0o0o000o0o0o0

why were you able to touch him!?!!

Jaehwan can feel after all these years

More like a few months but

“ARE YOU MY SOULMATE!?!?!”

Kim jaehwan plz

you’re like “bro wtf?”

he proceeds to explain how if a human can see him and touch him, he gets a chance to go to the afterworld

for some odd reason, jaehwan was rejected bc he had someone in the real world who wasn’t ready to let him go

This usually wasn’t a problem but the wanting of his presence was REALLLLLYYYY STRONG

So he had to stay in the human world until he found that human and spent three weeks with them to convince them to let him go

“Are you saying it’s me?”

“There’s really no one else who could touch me”

He honestly didn’t know why you were able to touch him

Let alone SEE him

but he felt like you were the owner of that strong, unseen force of wanting his presence

you’re really confused tho bc you’ve never seen him b4

“IM JAEHWAN!”

he suddenly blurts then grins

“....y/n…”

and like JAEHWAN REMEMBERS YOU

You were that one girl who he always played his ukulele for in elementary school!

he had once seen you cry bc you’re mom was running really late and he walked home so he stayed an extra twenty minutes just singing and playing until you cracked a smile

But maybe you weren’t that girl bc he knew at least two other ppl named y/n

Anyways

he doesn’t mention that he may or may not know you and just follows you into your home

by then your mom is calmed down from this morning

there’s already a plate of pancakes set on the table for you

Jaehwan takes a tour around your home while you eat

You finish eating then hear his laugh again

You temporarily forgot there was a ghost in your home, so you freaked but then

“Right… jaehwan”

After you wash the dishes you go up to your room but jaehwan’s already in there

WEARING A FRKN BRA

you clamp your hand over your mouth so you don’t scream from the shock, but instead, you start laughing

“I WISH I COULD TAKE A PICTURE OF YOU RN!”

you’re literally on the ground and Jaehwan just smiles at you and sits on your bed

STILL IN YOUR BRA

“STOP TOUCHING IT!”

it’s only been a few hours of spending time w/Jaehwan in your room

but you feel like you’ve known him for years

he told you about the day his first tooth fell out all the way to the last time he was still existing

you had shed some tears during his talk about his death and what he had felt when he saw the car barreling towards him

soon, a week passed

It was Christmas

You open up your presents

You had asked for a guitar and there it was

You honestly had NO KNOWLEDGE about guitars whatsoever, but the instrument always caught your eye

But ya know

Jaehwans a pro at guitar

So he basically teaches you the basics and helps you get started

You bond even quicker bc of the guitar lessons

And seriously

You never realized you would be best friends with a ghost

Christmas passed by really quickly with Jaehwan hanging out w/you all the time

his presence was always comforting

butttt a lot of your relatives prob thought you were crazy from giggling out of the blue and appearing to talk to yourself

you wanted to tell jihoon and woojin about jaehwan but you couldn’t find the time to meet them during the break

Soon it’s December 31st

third week

Jaehwan had mentioned his past b4

Especially he was now 99% sure that you were the one not letting him go after seeing, from your pictures, that you WERE that girl from like 14 years ago

you didn’t even realize that you were holding on to him from leaving this world

you didn’t even know that you were always missing that one kid in elementary school, who always managed to put a smile on your face and brighten up your day

you now knew that you were the one keeping Jaehwan from leaving to where he belonged

behind the Heaven gates

you kept putting it behind

“I’ll talk to him tomorrow…in three days…. next week….”

until it was New Year’s Eve

10:05pm

You were sitting out on Ong Seongwoo’s empty patio w/Jaehwan

Ong Seongwoo - a freakishly rich dude that somehow became friends with Jihoon and Woojin despite the four year age gap

Seongwoo had thrown a New Year’s Eve party

there were mostly college kids, but a few high schoolers from jihoon and woojin’s dance team were also invited were at this party

You have no idea how you were at this party, but woojin had insisted you come

you had spent some time talking with some of the dancers’ girlfriends and with Jihoon and woojin, but decided to get some fresh air bc the loud music and smell of alcohol was too much

Jaehwan hadn’t come with you even tho he begged to come as long

you wanted jaehwan to stay home

Just in case you did something completely embarrassing

but one thing you should know

don’t ever trust kim jaehwan

Especially when he’s a ghost

you were just gazing out into the night sky when you saw a glowing figure

you were about to freak out

BC ANOTHER GHOST!? JAEHWAN WAS ALREADY A HANDFUL

but then you saw that it was just Jaehwan

the ghost that you had somehow fell in love with

You really wished he was a person

As jaehwan spent more and more time w/you

the less and lesser you would be able to tap his shoulder, give him a small hug, or even high five him

It was like the very first time you tried to tap his shoulder, the first time you met

your fingers just went through him

you knew that you couldn’t let go of him

you missed his presence whenever you would wake up and not see him there on the floor, gazing blankly at the ceiling

Jaehwan was prob just lowkey stalking your other neighbor, Hwang Minhyun

I mean he still couldn’t believe someone could be so…..

clean

anyways

you don’t think you would be able to live without him

but that was just your selfish desires

You knew the longer jaehwan spent his time in the real world, the more dangerous it would become for him

Jaehwan would be turned into a human, but obviously he had to experience another death since he’s not supposed to be alive

but if that happened, he wouldn’t even get a chance to go to trial to go to Heaven

you didn’t want that

you would rather miss him for a bit then see him again in the form of an angel

so you decide to let him go at exactly 12am, January 1st of the new year

when jaehwan appears, he already knows you made up your mind

he could just tell from your eyes

both the sadness and determination

“Y/N?”

“Yes, Jaehwan?”

“I’m sorry I forgot I was a ghost the other day and tried to carry your guitar.”

you chuckle at his belated apology

“No worries”

The two of you spend the rest of the time talking about the three weeks you’ve spent together

it felt like you had been with him for years

Before you know it, it’s 11:58pm

ppl inside are already starting the countdown

Two minutes b4 the new year since seongwoo’s like that

Both of you know you’re running out of time

and you just suddenly break down in tears

you became so attached to the ghost in front of you in a matter of three weeks

It was like fate had brought you two together after he had died and give you the time to grow love for one another just to break you apart again

sure, it was only three weeks

But you already knew that you would be willing to spend the rest of your entire life with him

You had literally seen all sides of jaehwan

The good sides, the bad sides, the funny sides, the broken sides

“I love you, Y/N”

you look up in surprise

You were half expecting to be like

“AHhAHhahHAHkakkjakH LOVE YOUUUU”

And joke about it but

nope

you look in his eyes and you know he’s not joking around this time

your eyes were still half-filled w/tears, so you quickly rub them away in order so you can see jaehwan properly

But he’s fading away

WHY WAS HE FADING AWAY?

Jaehwan steps closer to you and you can actually feel… body heat?

you missed being able to actually physically touch jaehwan

he sadly smiles and all you see in his eyes are tears and genuinity

“I love you”

you hear the loud cheers of the people inside counting down from ten to finally celebrate the new year that will bring new New Year Resolutions and fresh starts

The countdown slowly fades away as you see the space between you and Jaehwan grow smaller and smaller

Just as you close your eyes and feel a light touch on your lips,

“ONEEEE WHOOOP!!!”

You hear cheers grow the loudest they’ve ever been that night

The touch…..

it’s gone

Jaehwan….

is gone

After Jaehwan just disappears into thin air, everything else is a blur

You remember woojin coming out to find you squatted down on the ground, about to cheer how it was the new year, but instead sees your face in your hands, and tears streaming down your face

he knew better than to ask what was wrong

he immediately takes you home and wishes you a Happy New Year and leaves a light, shy kiss on your forehead

if you hadn’t met jaehwan in the duration of your winter break, you prob would’ve been bursting with happiness rn

You had always had a small crush on woojin

but obviously it all changed when you had seen jaehwan

Instead, you offer a small smile, thank him for being such a supportive friend and bid him a safe walk back home

you trudge back into your room and fall face flat onto your bed

you want to cry

and…. you do

But as you struggle to calm down and get up to wash your face and move on with your life….

you hear a tiny crinkling of paper

you look over, confused and see a small piece of paper sticking out from the first fret of your guitar, fluttering from the wind that was being let in from your slightly open window

with trembling hands, you open it up and let some more tears fall

happy tears

“Merry New Year’s, Y/N! Don’t miss me too much. :P Move on with your life. Don’t forget about me though! I still want some attention you know lol (i used that slang word! Lol keke I saw it when you were texting that friend of yours lol) Thanks for letting me go. I will never forget you and all the things we’ve been through even though it’s been only three weeks. lol…

I love you. - Kim Jaehwan”

as you struggle to keep in your tears and not roll his eyes at his overuse of the “slang” word ‘lol’ you notice something falling out from the small note he had left

you crouch down and pick it up from the floor to see

his guitar pick

#and from the distance you can hear the laugh of kim jaehwan #thx for reading #wanna one #wanna one scenarios #wanna one bullet #kim jaehwan #wanna one jaehwan #wanna one au #jaehwan au #Ghost!AU #wanna one ghost #ghost!Jaehwan #wanna one fluff #jaehwan fluff #jaehwan angst #wanna one angst #and of course #rest in peace jonghyun #hope you are in a happier place

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sweetnestor · 7 years

Text

Story of Another Us | Week 2

university au, platonic af

previous chapter

I’m hanging by a thread

“How have you been?” asked my therapist, Helena. “Has anything happened since the last time we saw each other?”

I recounted the last week and a half. School starting, commuting between uni, my boyfriend’s house and my house. Trying to avoid the green man living at my house.

“And how have you been coping with it?”

Mentally shutting down.

“My boyfriend’s dog is very comforting,” I said, which wasn’t a lie at all.

Helena took notes, scribbling on her clipboard. “That’s interesting. Why do you think dogs are so comforting?”

“They don’t judge you. They still love you, even when you’re a giant mess,” I explained. “I don’t know how my boyfriend feels about having to constantly reassure me and help me through panic attacks. It must be exhausting for him. But his dog just sits with me until I feel better.”

“You know Bella, I’m sure your boyfriend loves you no matter what. The fact that he’s come to these sessions with you says that,” Helena reassured. “Why didn’t he come today, iIf I may ask?”

“Oh, he’s just working.”

“YouTube work?” Helena knew all about our jobs as YouTubers, it was partly the reason why I would see her every week.

“Yeah, he’s behind schedule,” I said.

“Oh, does that affect your relationship in any way?”

“Yeah, I mean…” I shrugged out of habit. “It’s harder to see each other or spend time together because we’re both so busy with filming and I have school and a job on the side. I mean, we do see each other because I stay with him during the week, but y’know… still busy.”

Helena kept writing on her clipboard. “So you’re both very occupied during the day, and the relationship is still happy and satisfying?”

“Of course! We always find a way.”

“Well that’s good! It’s a sign of a healthy relationship. Anything else happen this last week?”

Jack came to mind. I wasn’t sure what to say about him, but it just began to spill out.

“My boyfriend’s friend, also a YouTuber, is staying here for the semester. Like, he’s going back and forth between Mark’s house, my house, and uni, like I am. And he’s nice, he seems to mean well, but I’m a little overwhelmed,” I admitted.

“What’s this friend’s name?”

“Jack.”

“Why do you think you’re overwhelmed by Jack?”

“He’s an extrovert, he’s very talkative and loud and energetic. He’s staying in my house on weekends.” It sounded really stupid and rude when I said it out loud.

“You’ve told me that you don’t like meeting people, correct? Does Mark know that?”

“Yeah, he keeps asking if I’m okay and if Jack makes me uncomfortable.”

“He hasn’t caused you any harm or threatened you, has he?”

I shook my head. “No, not at all. He’s actually… really, really sweet.” I felt like such an asshole.

“Why do you think you feel this way? Is it because you’re introverted?”

It’s because of anxiety disorder, the thing you diagnosed me with. Stay with me, Helena.

“I don’t know, it just happens,” I said. “It happens with everyone I meet.”

“You think new situations are scary?” she guessed.

That makes me sound really childish. Granted, I wasn’t really giving her much to work with. I usually spoke more when Mark was here.

“Well, look at it as if your mind and body are protecting you. You don’t know a lot about Jack, right? So, in away, you’re bracing yourself in case he steps out of line?”

“I guess. That seems to make sense.” Do I actually feel that? Who knows? Not me!

I didn’t feel any better after the session. I was practically complaining about poor old me and my living situation. Poor me with a college education. Poor me with a nice boyfriend who lets me stay in his house.

The ache in my chest was getting harder to ignore once I was driving home. I thought talking it out was supposed to help. I thought I would have felt better after therapy. I had to pull over in a Walmart parking lot so I could pull myself together.

I rubbed my hands together, only to feel really… strange. I was extremely aware of my hands. I kept looking out the window, paranoid that I was being watched. I kept checking the gear shift to make sure I was still in park. I wanted to cry. I felt like I was losing myself, like I was going to die.

And then my breathing went short, confirming my fears. I was dying. My short twenty three years were ending.

I felt small and trapped. I felt cold, but I was sweating buckets. I was too scared to get out of the car in case anyone saw me being a complete trainwreck. I could hear myself wheezing but it didn’t feel real.

My phone buzzed, making me jump and cry even more. I grabbed it, my hands shaking and still very there and tried to speak. I only retched and coughed.

“Are you dying?” It was Jack. Of all fucking people. He sounded amused until he heard me sobbing. “Bella, are you okay?”

“Mark…” I managed to get out.

I heard some commotion on the other line. I cried some more.

“Bella? What’s wrong? Where are you?” my boyfriend sounded calm, but concerned.

“I’m d-dying…” I cried.

“Are you hurt?” he asked me.

“I-I’m… panic.. Help…”

“Okay, Bella,” Mark said, “listen to me. I know it’s scary, but you’re in a safe place. Can you tell me where you are?”

I tried to listen to him. I tried to focus on where I was before death came for me. “Walmart…”

“Okay, good. Me and Ryan are going to come and get you. Okay? You’re going to be just fine. Bella?”

I hummed.

“Can you breathe for me? Take one deep breath.”

I tried. In through my nose, out through my mouth. I was still hyperventilating and shaking. I was still dizzy.

“Can you do it again?” he asked gently. “You’re doing good. We’re on our way there. You’re going to be okay.”

Mark drove me back to my apartment once I was calm enough. I preferred to be in my own home after a panic attack mainly because I didn’t want to face anybody at Mark’s house. It was too embarrassing. Being around other people would just bring my anxiety back up again, and home was my sanctuary.

“Do you know what set you off?” asked Mark as we entered the small vicinity.

“Nope,” I replied, immediately going to my bedroom.

Naturally, Mark followed me. “What, it just happened out of nowhere?”

“Well, that’s how it usually is,” I said, indifferent. “I’m sorry you had to deal with all of that.”

“No, don’t do that,” Mark firmly said. “You don’t have to apologize for anything. It’s not your fault this happens.”

I sighed, plopping down onto my unmade bed. “Still, you don’t deserve to put up with me like this all the time.” It’s also frustrating when he asks why. Honey, I wish I knew.

“Hey, I am more than happy to help you get through it,” he reassured. “And I’m glad that you trust me. I know you’re not choosing to have anxiety. I just want you to know that I’m here for you when you need me. Don’t feel embarrassed or ashamed when you need help. I’m happy to help, and Ryan was too when I asked him to come with me. The boys are all worried about you.”

I couldn’t help the eyeroll. “You’re just saying that.”

“No, I’m serious. You should have seen Jack’s face when he realized you weren’t okay.”

“I don’t want people worrying!” I finally snapped. “I don’t want his pity, I don’t want anyone’s pity!”

“It’s not pity! They actually care about you! They don’t want you to suffer like this, and neither do I! Why do you get so upset when someone cares about you?”

I couldn’t look him in the eyes. Here he was, trying to make me feel better, and I was just shitting on it.

It’s not that I was upset. It was just hard to process the fact that someone is willing to be around me, or even be willing to date me even though I’m like this. I felt like I was too sick and too unstable. But I couldn’t tell Mark because I would get another “why” and I was too tired for that.

I wouldn’t blame him if he left me, but at the same time I didn’t want him to leave me. And I really couldn’t tell him that because it was all sorts of manipulative. There were a lot of things I couldn’t tell him because of manipulation. I was so toxic, I really didn’t understand why he wanted to be near me.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” I knew he wasn’t asking out of spite or annoyance, deep down. Very deep down.

I shook my head.

“Okay. I’ll be here.”

Mark spent the night, even though it meant he couldn’t record and upload his first video of the day on time. I tried not to feel guilty. He recorded at my house, but he had to edit with Matt at his, and I was a heavy sleeper. He said he didn’t want to wake me up since I had a hard time yesterday. Meaning, we were back at his house around the time Jack and I were supposed to go to campus. About twenty minutes before Mark’s second video was supposed to go up. Oops.

Besides that, I was expecting the awkward, “elephant-in-the-room” silence when Jack came out to join me in the car. He was the one who found me in my distress. I didn’t mind silence, typically. It wouldn’t be the first time I was the cause of awkward silence.

“Morning!” he cheerily greeted as he took Mark’s place in the passenger seat.

“You kids be good now!” Mark called as he walked to the front door.

“Bye, Daddy! I love you!” Jack returned.

“Oh my god,” I chuckled under my breath.

“How are you, Bella?” Jack asked me, clearly in high spirits. Surely he wasn’t speaking mentally, or following my panic attack from yesterday. He was just being polite. Right?

“I’m good,” I replied. But my stupid ass still said, “Sorry you had to hear me over the phone like that yesterday.”

He waved it off. “Don’t be sorry. I did get a little worried, but Mark said you were okay. And you look and sound okay.”

“Yeah, well, he stayed with me, so it was all good.” As long as I remained indifferent, I wouldn’t feel guilty.

The silence I was originally expecting happened only for a few seconds. Jack could never stay quiet.

“Can I ask you something about your anxiety?”

“Sure.” I felt my stomach sink.

“Does it happen, your panic attacks and such, does it happen randomly or do you get triggered?” he asked, sounding genuinely curious.

“Both,” I replied. “Like the one from yesterday was unexpected. But there’s also certain things I can’t do because it will make my anxiety spike.”

“Things like what? Or is that too personal?” He sounded a lot more sincere now. Maybe that’s why it was so easy to tell him.

“Well,” I began. “I can’t go to parties, unless I’m already intoxicated, and I don’t really drink much to begin with. I can’t go to stores where I know the employees go up to customers and talk to them. Can’t make phone calls. Oh, and so help me god if I find a bug anywhere in my house. And scary movies. Well, actually anything horror I can’t handle.”

Jack nodded, listening intently. “That must be really hard to live your life around that. Wait, so if you don’t do horror, does that mean you don’t like Halloween?”

“Unfortunately, no.” That was one thing I got laughed at for, but so far he was taking it seriously.

“Oh, well that sucks. Does Mark know all of your triggers?”

“Yeah, he’s pretty good at keeping those things away from me and helping me through my attacks. Way better than the last person I dated.”

“Did you ex-boyfriend know about your anxiety?”

Here we go. The moment that will determine if I really can be friends with this guy.

“Ex-girlfriend,” I corrected. “She knew, but there were a lot of things going on that tied in with my anxiety. She didn’t really know how to handle me. Can’t say I blame her.”

“Well, still,” Jack said. “If she knew you were in distress, wouldn’t she try to help you?”

“You’d think,” I replied. “But things were just as hard for her. She hadn’t come out yet, and her family was honestly the most homophobic group of people I had ever met. It was hard, they would get suspicious. I had to break up with her.”

“That must’ve been hard... “

“Oh, it was. And after we had broken up too. It was really hard. But I found Mark some time later and things got better. He makes me really happy.”

“I can tell.” There was a pause. “You make him really happy too.”

I smiled, yet I found it hard to believe. “Really?”

“Yeah, he’s so much happier! I remember him telling me over Skype when you guys first started dating. He was really giddy! I think you changed him.”

“Really?” My voice went up and octave.

“Yes! He’s absolutely crazy about you!”

Oh god, don’t squeal like a little girl. Don’t giggle like an idiot. Stop blushing!

“You really like him, don’t you?” Jack said, seeing the look on my face.

I nodded, my face red and my heart fluttering.

“Why do I need a physical education class?” whined Jack. “The place is closing anyway!”

“They’re probably trying to suck as much money out of us as possible,” I replied. “On the bright side, you get to deal with me for another whole hour and fifteen minutes!”

More like I was dealing with him. Not going to lie though, it would be interesting to see if Jack could stay quiet in a yoga class. Yes, Jack, of all people, was going to take yoga with me. It was only because all the other classes were either canceled or full, and he had no other choice. So now it was three out of four classes I had with him.

“I don’t even have a mat or anything!” he said as we approached the multipurpose room.

“There’s some you could borrow,” I told him. “It’s actually really fun once you get used to it.”

“We could do the yoga challenge!” he joked.

“Actually, that’s not a bad idea,” I told him. “We should do it once we’re good enough.”

“Or we could do it while we suck because it’ll be funnier.”

We made it to the MPR. The instructor was already there, along with other new classmates. Jack went to her to make sure he was added to the class roster. I unrolled my mat in a spot in the back of the room, and then I removed my shoes and put them by the wall behind me. Not long after, I saw Jack with his own borrowed mat, unrolling it directly in front of the mirrors. He looked back at me, gesturing for me to join him. I actually debated it, but then a really short girl with dark brown and blonde hair took the space next to him.

I only watched her because I recognized her. She unrolled her mat and then went to the back of the room to drop her backpack and take off her shoes. She didn’t even notice me staring. It was the captain of the dance team. The girl with the dance solo that broke my gay little heart. In all honesty, she looked downright angry, like she didn’t want to be here.

Of course, when she took her place at the front of the room, Jack talked to her. I couldn’t hear what he was saying to her, but I could see her expression through the mirror. She was not interested in anything he had to say. She probably would have snapped on him if the instructor hadn’t brought the class to order.

_______

next chapter

#jacksepticeye fanfiction #markiplier fanfiction #soau #sweetheart writes #ive had a recent flow of ideas for this fic #so now i just wanna write and write and write #i also started writing the sequel #thats how far ive gotten #and i genuinely enjoy writing this #so im not too bothered that no one reads this #its just.... here

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newstfionline · 7 years

Text

The Ten Most Important Aspects of Reinventing Your Life

James Altucher, LinkedIn Pulse, January 5, 2017

I wanted to write the book that 20 years ago I wish I had read.

That ten years ago I wish I had read.

That five years ago I wish I had read.

That yesterday I wanted to read.

So today I published it. “Reinvent Yourself.”

When I turned 40, a friend of mine threw a birthday dinner for me. He invited all his friends. I knew none of them.

So on my 40th birthday I was basically by myself, with people I didn’t know, doing nothing in my life that I had ever wanted to do for the prior 40 years. I hated my life.

And, as usual, I was going broke, getting divorced, and scared out of my mind.

Anti-depressants didn’t work for me so I gave up on them. Meditation didn’t work. I couldn’t keep my mind from racing all the time.

I had nobody to talk to. Nobody to turn to. I was lonely and scared and wish I had just one person I could love and say, “Help me.”

Why was this happening to me AGAIN? What didn’t I know about reinventing myself so I could finally get “started”?

I had so many passions as a kid. So many dreams of what I could mold my adult life into.

But first…always “but first…” and those firsts turned out to be distant seconds.

“But first I need to make money.” “But first I need a family.” “But first I need this certificate, or goal achieved, or person to like me and validate me.”

Or “But now I’m too old.” Or “Now I failed too much.” Or “Now the world is against me.” Or “I don’t have the right credentials.”

People ask me, “Do you ever get embarrassed revealing so much personal stuff?”

I would be embarrassed if I didn’t reveal personal things in each article.

When I talk to people, I want them to reveal to me also. So who am I to ask a hard question if I don’t come forward and answer them first.

I’ve spent the past six years asking a lot of hard questions. I ask them to the people I meet. To the books I read. To myself.

I’ve reinvented my career 14 times. I’ve gone from barely making ends meet doing things I hated, to loving the work I do now every single day.

After talking to hundreds of people and reading probably 2,000 books trying to figure out how people reinvent their lives to achieve their dreams, I wrote the book I wish I had read in the very beginning.

This is my biggest book. And you don’t have to read it. I’ll summarize right here the basics of what I’ve learned.

First, the world is changing. It’s not a good thing or a bad thing. But your life is going to change with it.

94% of the 15 million jobs created in the past eight years are either part-time or freelance.

The job landscape is changing. Corporatism, which ruled the world for 100 years, is ending.

Technology and necessity have taken each industry, destroyed it, and then created 1,000 new and different ways to succeed in it.

Understanding what is new in the world is the LAST step in reinvention though.

TEN key aspects of Reinvention:

A) Reinvention is a Habit. Every day we are reinventing. A river doesn’t stay still. Every time you step into it, it’s a different river.

You and I are that river. We either move forward or we freeze like ice.

B) The One Takeaway. From every one you meet, learn one thing. You don’t need to learn two. Learn one thing that fascinates you.

You’ll learn and make use of 1000s of things a year. And your set of knowledge will be unique.

Everything I read or listened to or asked or learned, I said, “how does this bring me forward in my own reinvention”. I answered that question and put each item in my book.

C) Meaning. Victor Frankl talks about it in his classic “Man’s Search for Meaning”. Dan Ariely talks about it in his recent book, “Payoff”.

Meaning is the building blocks for motivation.

Spend an hour, spend a day, spend a month--write down the things that give you meaning.

What is the “meaning” that can drive you forward today. That can help you survive the worst circumstances (as both Frankl and Ariely have).

D) Contagious. Everything in life is contagious.

Who you are with, the words you hear and read, the things you see, the things you seek out to learn.

Make sure you are infected with the secret special super man virus that propels you each day to live a better life than the day before.

I was taking to Mike Massimino, who has been into outer space on two missions, including fixing the Hubble telescope.

He told me that among his ten classmates at MIT, four became astronauts. The odds of this are billions to one.

This is not luck. This is how you create luck.

D) Ideas are Currency. Someone asked me earlier today: “How do I reinvent if I am starting with no money.”

Let me tell you something: Almost every time I have ever had to reinvent, I started with nothing.

I get out the waiter’s pad and I start writing ideas. I exercise the idea muscle every day. I become an idea machine. I use those ideas to help other people, to build my network, to write articles that further my sense of meaning.

The person with ideas will meet the person with money when the idea person is going up and the money person is going down.

Ideas have saved me from bankruptcy on five different occasions.

E) What are your five? I write every day. I do something for my podcast every day. I think about investing every day. But there are other things I want to reinvent in.

I think to myself every day: I want to learn to be a better writer today than I was yesterday. I want to be a better podcaster than I was yesterday. And so on.

I used the techniques described here to try and get better at the above three things each day.

And then the next two, which are currently giving meaning to my life, and which drive me forward each day.

I don’t think about ANYTHING ELSE. Otherwise, it’s too scattered.

But, who knows, the sea of the world changes and next year will be a different five. That’s reinvention.

Ultimately, I want to be a better person than I was yesterday.

F) Perseverance. Angela Duckworth, in her excellent book, “Grit” talks about the difference between the high IQ kids and the ones who eventually succeed. It’s not about intelligence. It’s about how they overcome a setback and keep going.

Carol Dweck talks about this in her book, “Mindset”.

Ice Cube talks about this in the movie, “Straight outta Compton”.

Dan Harris talks about this in his book, “10% Happier” when he describes a drug-induced panic attack on live television and how he came back from it.

Tim Ferriss talks about it in “Tools of the Titans” when he describes his one-time feelings of suicide and how he continually bounced back.

Brian Koppelman talks about it when he described to me how he wanted to leave the music business but he had to figure out how to start from scratch in the movie business. “Write what fascinates you” he told me.

But it’s not about writing. Do what fascinates you and no matter how many times you are pushed back by the bullies of life, you will be able to pick up and work your way around them.

The bullies stay stuck and negative. You’ll forget about them and find the shiny objects in life that were so fascinating you couldn’t stop.

G) Do the Unexpected. I watched Pamela Sisson create the cover for my book. She put about 100 books in front of her. I would say, “That looks good” and point at a book.

That would mean she was not going to do it. “It has to be new. It has to be unexpected.”

Magnus Carlsen won the recent World Championship Chess match only by making the moves nobody else would expect.

Pope Francis doesn’t live in the palace in Vatican City. He lives…in a studio apartment down the street. And makes phone calls to random letter writers.

Bob Dylan, Andy Warhol, Elon Musk, kept saying: what has nobody done that I can now do. Elon Musk, up against NASA and every world government, learned from books how to build a spaceship.

The Unexpected is the God of Reinvention. It’s hidden in between the spaces of everywhere. It’s the secret train that goes to the magical school of Hogwarts.

H) Combination Sex. Online Payments + Ebay = PayPal Identity + Social Network = Facebook

Take two things. Take three. Combine them. Now you are the best in the world at the intersection.

I) PLUS, MINUS, EQUAL. Ryan Holiday told me about MMA instructor Frank Shamrock who said everyone needs a Plus, Minus, Equal to learn.

PLUS: Someone to mentor you (real or virtual)

EQUAL: People to challenge you.

MINUS: People to teach. Because teaching solidifies your learning and students have their own unique ways of challenging you.

Every example, 100%, of reinvention I researched had a plus, minus, equal.

J) The Daily Practice. Nobody reinvents while sick in bed, hanging out with people who are no good, not exercising their creativity muscle, and not being positive in the face of almost certain failure.

The daily practice I’ve written about before, but add one thing: get 1% better at each aspect of health each day: physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual.

Compounded, that makes you 3800% better each year. It works.

I’m not done. I’m still reinventing.

I want to do new things this year. I want to be great at things I haven’t even started yet.

Reinvention is scary and hard and wonderful and exciting at the same time.

#reinvention #reinventing yourself #James Altucher

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do-not-use-me-joyce · 5 years

Text

What Happened Then, Down in Whoville, They Say, is that the Grinch’s Heart Grew Three Sizes that Day.

I never knew I was so loved. That is not just a Hallmark saying. I never knew. In my heart.

I assumed the kids were loved. I loved them. Jim was adored. I adored him. Everyone did. I was surrounded by loving people, a community. I knew I contributed, but I assumed I was an extra bonus to Jim. “They come for Jim; they stay for Joyce,” Will Eno had said. That made me feel great. I assumed they came for him and stayed for him. Will saw me. It was good to be seen.

I grew up in the unseen of eight siblings, disappearing easily with my quiet, big eyes. Then I became an actress, perhaps to find the opposite: to be seen. I was. Again, and again. But not like this today. Not ever like this.

When Jim died, I felt throngs grieving people came to me as if I had him hidden in my bottom sweater drawer. A friend volunteered after 9/11, taking DNA samples from families of their loved ones in order to identify them. After they dropped off the hair brush with the hair or whatever tiny thing they could still find of their loved one, the families tended to stay there in the lobby, my friend thought they were expecting him to go back into a room and bring their loved one back to them. When Jim died, I felt like I was the volunteer who was expected to bring him back to them. I didn’t have him. I knew that more than anyone. I knew his DNA better than anyone. But I didn’t have him. I felt invisible still. An accessory.

Now with cancer myself, I realize I was never invisible to some. I was loved with certainty. It is surprising me in the middle of the night, awakening me to sobs of identity as one who is loved. I am the best at love. I didn’t know who it felt to be the object. Of course, I was with Jim. But I shared him with so many. This is just me. Love for me. Love from myself for me. It’s overwhelming. Scary. New.

Yesterday Judy and Kate came over to bring gifts and coffee. I had a terrible night before with vomiting and chest pain. The oncology nurse had warned me that if this symptom occurs, I should not call the office but 911. I got through it at night, but it came on again as my friends arrived, Judy, my rock of a friend, with a soy latte and her gorgeous face; Kate with a bag of the best gifts anyone could get.

After calling the nurse and waiting for the return call, I said, “I think I have to go early to MSK and get this checked out.” I was due there later for an appointment and treatment. Judy had just sat down and noticed the cookies my sister in law Trish had sent. The box of comfort with soup, a ladle, buns, and a throw was open on my table. I had just had a good cry about that.

“I think I’d better go.”

Of all the characters in my dreams that make up me, was this the smart, old Indian man who throws a rock ahead to gauge the depth of the water we are about the enter or the crazy lady driving the bus in a panic? I still don’t know. Maybe both.

Kate went with me to the hospital. I held her hand and cried. I was not afraid anymore, just overwhelmed to be cared for. To receive love from a friend. To allow it. To be in the presence of devotion.

As soon as they took the heart monitor test, I felt like an idiot. I was okay. They had to do five other tests, of course to be sure. One of the tests was an echocardiogram, a sonogram, the type I had when the kids were in my womb. Only this was of my own heart. Only this time I heard the swooshing of my own beating heart. I was the mother of my own heart. I could see it on the screen like a fetus growing. I was pregnant with my heart. The swooshing made me smile, remembering the sound of my kids’ heartbeats in the womb. Only this was mine. My baby. Myself.

My doctor and his team came down to see me because I would miss my appointment. I felt so cared for. Embarrassed. Human.

I spent eight hours there yesterday but managed to get my treatment in. I awake again in the middle of the night with some chest pain which I know now to be an anxiety attack. So maybe it was best I went in. Or maybe I was an idiot. Or maybe I was just taking care of myself the way I would have with Jim or the kids. I wouldn’t have let them sit at home in danger.

This pain in my heart I the middle of the night, well, okay, it is nearly five in the morning, is more than a panic attack. I’ve had those. They come on in weird ways. This one is right in my center at my heart. I think it is something an EEG, CT scan and sonogram couldn’t find. It’s the feeling a heart breaking open. It’s the pain of opening a muscle that has been clenched. It is a breaking heart letting itself be broken. Falling open. No more holding it together for the sake of the kids or looking like I have it together. I don’t. My heart has taken over the ride. The pain is real. The reasons for the pain are more real than any muscle.

Tonight, it started again to get warm at the center of my chest. I ripped into the beautifully packaged tea from Trish’s comfort kit. I would usually save this tea for a special moment that would never come like my Mom saving her pink rosebud guest soap for never. But tonight, with my burning heart I ripped open the chamomile, drenched it with honey. Chomped into a chocolate chip cookie that came with the kit, and, after calling myself an idiot for racing to the emergency room yesterday, decided to drink the tea, eat the cookie and write. The pain in my chest is gone now. There is more than one way to cure an aching heart.

It hurts to be loved. It hearts like a heart attack. It is a goblin that will wake you up at night panicked that you need to stop it. It will rip you open if you let it. Yesterday I let it. I gave into being human, whether the smart one or the crazy one. I am both.

I never knew I was so loved by those around me. And by myself. There is a baby heart growing inside me. I heard the swoosh, swoosh, swoosh.

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aquarianlights · 6 years

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how have you been doing?

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-

No, actually, I’ve been okay. Haha. Thank you for asking. Just been.... adulting like crazy. Like... I scheduled all these appointments at the last second...moved in with my friend and his bf... have driven three hours to these appts and three hours back... every day for a week except yesterday. I had to drive to the fucking DMV and get an NC ID card coz my Drivers License is still Florida.... And idk where my legal residency actually is...lmao. But I had to have an NC ID to get in with the pain specialist. So I drove 2.5 hours to the DMV....got that changed...2.5 hours back. Next day, chronic pain specialist appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back... with crippling joint pain.... Next day, psych eval appt. 3 hrs there....3 hrs back. And this all happened like...2 days after I moved here... a close to 4 hour drive...from where I was...and I’m waiting on a fuckton of calls back... but monday is a holiday AHHHHHHH so I can only call certain people and do certain adult things on monday...then I gotta call EVERYONE on tuesday and do all the things I couldn’t do monday on tuesday... I have a whole damn list. So finally...yesterday and today have been free days. So I spent them spending 25 dollars for an application fee to this new college I’m attending as a transient student. I now have 6 vet tech classes and am adding 2 gen ed transient classes. I will have my AA by the end of this coming semester...and have my OTHER AA by the time I have my BA or am almost finished with my BA. And then I will have two AA’s...one in vet tech and one in a medical transfer track degree.... And my BA.... and then onto my masters..IF I PASS THIS FUCKING TEST AND DON’T GET WAITLISTED.I have been relentlessly studying for the TEA’s all weekend. Just nonstop. Started adding exercise coz apparently the treatment for lupus and fibromyalgia is exercise???????? So I just...pop 100mg of lyrica or more in the morning, exercise via sit ups and push ups, make some iced coffee, take a mini jog, go home and do chores like dishes and taking trash out (there’s not a lot to do cleaning wise coz this place is spotless), then I get on my tasks for the day which I have been forcing myself to do no matter how much physical/mental pain I’m in. If I have to take a 5 minute break to slit my wrists or thighs or sides, that’s fine. I do it, play with the blood, feel the endorphin rush, pop more lyrica.....maybe add in some valium if I’m feeling I need it (that’s rare, though...I don’t fuck with benzos too much anymore coz I control my panic disorder through exercises...like...jumping jacks and running and sit ups and acting like I’m in the military and being screamed at by The Rock or something lmaaaooooo...it actually does calm my panic attacks down a fuckton because it forces endorphins through my body and reduces adrenaline and forces me to focus on my breathing...so my valium script is..... well... I pop em when I feel the “need”. or when I actually cannot slow my heart down via a panic attack). Drove to the college here....talked to advisers...they couldn’t help coz they don’t have late start semesters...had to call my other transient class school and cancel coz I don’t live there anymore...went to another college talked to another adviser about transient classes...they set me up with another college...it’s a 45 minute drive, but hey. For two classes? Bruh, I got that.Uhhhhh.....been doing a LOT of paperwork....catching up on vet tech seminars I missed via recordings. Getting in with the “back to work” program with my disability people... TRYING to get a job without getting my disability taken away...but I have to see a rheumatologist first and I’m waiting on a call back from the one my PCP referred me to...and waiting on a call back from my PCP about a fuckton of stuff...she’s a 4 hour drive away so.

trying to find time to make a 12 hour drive to NOLA to get all my stuff and say goodbye to my roommates for 6+ months.

Again, relentlessly studying for the TEA’s coz I’m scheduled to take them this summer after my AA is earned. And I’m legitimately terrified..... I mean, I’m applying to a fuckton of pre-med programs but........... the admit rate for EVERY pre-med program is insane.... Like...if you don’t get a perfect score on all four sections of the TEA’s...you’re fucked. Akjghfkklaglskjf NO CALCULATOR. [internal screaming]

I have a 2-page-long list of things to do on monday and tuesday. Tomorrow is gonna be a bitch. It’s 1:53am right now.....I have to be awake at AT LEAST 8am and I’m STILL studying for the TEA’s but I think I’ve given up coz I was looking at a bar graph and it asked me what kind of graph it was and I put down line graph as my answer and I just looked at what I wrote and was like “....????????” So it was at that point that I knew I needed to stop. They suggest 50 minute study sessions with 10 minute breaks 3-5 times a day for about 6 weeks minimum. My personal TEA’s test guidance counselor person....told me to study for 8 months. He told me the average TEA’s studying is 8 months. I FEEL LIKE I’M ABOUT TO TAKE A FUCKING BOARD EXAM JFC. The TEA’s are so daunting and intimidating....ugh. Shoot me. Like... I have NO PROBLEM with 3 sections...there’s just...1 section...that I’m destined to fail........ So I’m terrified.

Getting psych help. They wanna set me up with an ACTs team. Which is... a doctor, a nurse/PA/CNA/whatnot, a therapist (psychologist), and a psychiatrist. People for med management and for me to talk to. All in one sitting... minimum of 3 times a week.... Coz I’m having anger blackouts as though I have weed in my system and I have NEVER had anger blackouts without an herbal substance in my system, specifically weed. Holy fuck it’s scary. And my intrusive thoughts are no longer thoughts...they’re genuine desires and pleasure dreams. (Not sexual...mental pleasure.) I lost 6 hours of time the other day while sending voice clips to my friends while going over 100 miles an hour on a highway. I sounded literally psychotic in my voice clips (albeit, my diagnoses dictate I am psychotic, I have never sounded like it before). I mean...I could have KILLED people. Or myself. Or both. or animals....Holy fucking hell. 6 hours...a lot of driving... some of it was parking in an abandoned parking lot and doing... I’m not sure what... 6 hours of time gone. And I’m losing more and more time every day due to anger-induced blackouts. I literally called my mother a cunt. I...I attacked her verbally like a 12 year old hormonal boy who needs to be put in a fucking time out. And I have no recollection of it. At all. But the texts and voicemails and call logs are all there. It’s fucking scary coz I could hurt or kill someone...or myself. Came close NYE. Sheriff talked to me NYE....I somehow have this weird theatrical charisma that everyone just....... believes is real when it’s really just me acting. And I talked him down from him being all “There are multiple reports of you having slit your wrists open and downed pills and multiple reports of you saying homicidal things” to “Oh okay I will call them back and tell them you’re okay. You should text them and tell them you’re okay yourself, though.” I was in a hotel for a week....that was... I lost a lot of time there. Going back and forth between the hotel and my PCP. Getting my room in order.... keeping track of my finances for the first time in my entire life.... getting my car switched to my name and under a new insurance...changing my license... lots and lots of document-related stuff...lots and lots of phone calls and voicemails and call-backs...lots and lots and LOTS of appointments.... SO MUCH joint pain. I have lupus and fibromyalgia...but they think it’s a flinching disorder that is in my head from childhood physical abuse and adult sexual and physical abuse. Like...apparently my brain is producing pain and visible lesions akin to lupus, fibro, osteoprorosis, arthritis, etc... and the pain is VERY real...but it’s cured psychologically because it’s psych based...not physical. Like..the physical pain is real...but it’s produced by my brain? If that makes sense? Like...you know the report a million fucking years ago (idk maybe like 5 or 10 years ago???) or that lady (or was it a guy?) who froze to death while trapped in a freezer that was turned off? Yeah, that’s me. I’m the type of person who---if trapped in a freezer that was turned off and I didn’t know it was turned off---would freeze myself to death with my own brain. So...the trauma from childhood physical and mental/emotional abuse and neglect...and trauma from adult sexual and physical abuse and a bit of verbal/emotional abuse....apparently is causing this “flinching disorder”??????????? But I meet criteria for both lupus and fibro...but he thinks it’s this other thing...and ....

Like I said at the beginning...

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH-

Also trying to get Echo here.... but need to go to NOLA first...which I will be doing this month. Figuring out when exactly after Monday and Tuesday’s stuff I need to do..... Go to NOLA for at least a week...come back...get Echo and the rest of my things... Cut a certain two people out of my life entirely. . .SO MUCH TO DO.Fuck, bruh. I’m exhausted and in CONSTANT extreme physical pain BUT.......................................................it’s cool. Did you know you can get high on lyrica? I sure as hell didn’t. I accidentally took over 500mg in one sitting....all at once... Bruh, it felt like I had taken 2 tabs of acid, popped maybe 4 blues, and drank a full Four Loko. It was intense. The walls were breathing, I couldn’t walk, everything was blurry, felt like I was floating, kept dropping things, laughing at everything...couldn’t see...couldn’t read or write... felt tingly all over... Imagine constant vertigo like...no matter what position you’re in or if you move or stay still. Just.. That feeling you get when you stand up too fast? Yeah. Imagine that.....for hours....no matter what you do... CONSTANT VERTIGO/LIGHTHEADEDNESS FOR HOURS! Felt like I was on a cloud... but also... Even the appropriate doses of lyrica make it so I can’t walk in a straight line.... I keep bumping into walls and falling up stairs and dropping EVERYTHING and falling over ....OH MY GOD I FELL OUT OF BED THE OTHER NIGHT. THIS IS A QUEEN SIZED BED...I WAS ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE....AGAINST THE WALL...AND SOMEHOW I FELL OUT OF BED ON THE OPPOSITE SIDE OF A QUEEN BED THAT COULD FIT FOUR OF ME.............. ?????????????? I was on the ground like...with the vertigo ...going ... “?????” Oh my FUCK.

I’m not even stressed, though. Like...high pressure, high risk, chaos, spontaneity, impulsivity, self gratification, advancement, pressure pressure pressure, strict deadlines, things that could change at a moments notice, being on call practically all day every day for certain things.... Like... I love it. That’s why I chose emergency medicine... It is when I perform best, when I feel best, and when I can focus best. I can’t focus if nothing is going on around me.... It makes me extremely distracted by my own LOUD AF thoughts and minor whispers of voices that are coming back so SOMETHING IS NOT RIGHT WITH MY MEDS but they’re gonna fix it but I refuse to EVER get back on an anti-psych so I will ONLY work with them on trying to fix my current meds or switching to a different mood stabilizer...IDK.

Bought a fuckton of medical textbooks that I have just been...pouring over...while I should be devoting that time to studying for the TEA’s...... UHAgain... “How am I” is answered as:AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I turn 26 next month. Holy fucking wow................................................................

Uh. Okay. Rant over....Wow, good job, Killian. Verbosity wins again.It’s 2:16am now. Jfc. I need to lay down. My world is spinning. Fucking lyrica, man.........

Thank you for asking, though.... Makes me feel like maybe someone cares about my general wellbeing...or something... Idk. Makes me feel good,though. And happy. Happy that someone cares enough to ask. I appreciate it, fren. I really do. And I hope you’re doing well and thriving like I am. c:

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realrawuncensoredlife · 7 years

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Operation Feel the Way I Look: Day Nine

Today.

So I’ve posted all of the catch ups to get to today. And today I helped babysit my 5yo niece and 3yo nephew. They are cute but stress me out a lot. I decided to start the day with my bedhead because well, I love my bedhead. I have natural waves but clearly, I’ve been using a curling iron for this project.

This was the picture that made me decide to put the selfies from this project into an album on Facebook. Here’s what the caption read: So I’ve decided to put some of the photos I’ve been taking over the last week into an album to track and see if I start to see any results from my attempt. Will putting the effort into my outward appearance (hair and makeup mainly - we all know I live in leggings) change the way I feel on the inside. The reasoning for this experiment is because my depression and anxiety have recently decided it was time to throw a party inside my body and I’m doing everything I can to kick them out. It’s a chance for me to also get people talking about mental health and mental health care in America. It’s time to remove the stigma of having mental health issues and seeking help for them. So let’s start talking and I’m gonna keep taking way too many Snapchat selfies of me to share to show the stages. There will be brutal ones, as we’ve seen, where holding back tears may not be possible. But there will be good ones as well.

And here was the after of makeup and touching up my hair before running errands. This was the caption on this photo as it appears on Facebook: This is me tired and feeling groggy from the medication that is supposed to calm me down so I can sleep. There’s no Snapchat filter to make my wrinkles and gray hair go away. I need to fix my brows, it’s just not at the top of my priority list. But I fixed yesterday’s curls (no I don’t wash and curl my hair every day), put on some makeup and got dressed. I need to run errands. A smile can hide a lot of pain and sadness that people don’t see. But this smile is based on the gorgeous weather and that I’m going to drive with the sunroof open.

The sunroof was a nice addition to the day. It was in the upper 60s in Iowa after Thanksgiving so it was a surprise to have this weather.

Here I am now. Opening up all of this on a blog that anyone could find and read. And while it feels scary it also feels necessary. It’s necessary to show the real, raw side of life, not just the highly curated, filtered and edited lives we show on Instagram. My depression is real and while I had behind smiles and giggles and a personality I’ve carefully created to hide what I’m going through, it’s time to be open about what I’m going through.

Hiding is no longer an option. Because if I hide that just perpetuates the myth that depression is a choice. That it’s not a chemical imbalance.

I do not choose to be depressed. I do not choose to have panic attacks. I do not choose to sometimes be afraid to walk out my front door. I do not choose to sometimes not get out of bed for days or weeks at a time. I do choose to fight this with everything I have. To do something, even if it’s as small as curling my hair or putting on some mascara to try and make myself feel better. Somedays I don’t have the energy for that and somedays I do. But each and every day I intend to chronical that in the only way I know how, with 100% honesty and transparency. And a few snapshot filters of bunny ears.

#operation feel the way i look #operation feel the way i look #mental health #mental illness #mental health stigma #remove the stigma #mental healthcare #let's talk about mental illness #let's talk about mental health #panic attacks

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wontakis-blog · 7 years

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Get to know me idk??

@yeo1 It took me like 5 years to do this??

1: Are you named after someone? No tbh my mom just really didn’t like the name my dad wanted (Yuna) so she decided on Sasha.

2: When is the last time you cried? Okay so like earlier last week I cried while messaging my friend about Yuto. Like I was talking about how cute his giggle is and how great a person he is and I burst into tears.

3: Do you like your handwriting? No lmao it’s too messy and small and unreadable like my English teacher wrote a note on one of my papers that said “take pity on your blind, old teacher write bigger” in all caps.

4: What is your favorite lunch meat? Ham?? Idk I don’t normally eat lunch meat.

5: Do you have kids? I’ve got a lot of pets (2 cats, 2 Lepidodactylus lugubris, 4 Boa constrictors [3 imperator 1 occidentalis], 1 Malayopython reticulatus, 1 missing [pretty sure she’s passed already, I miss her more than anything] Epicrates cenchria cenchria, 1 Ethmostigmus trigonopodus [possibly?], and 1 halfmoon doubletail plakat Betta splendens) I guess that counts.

6: If you were another person, would you be friends with you? Okay I actually laughed when I read that I would definitely not I’m annoying.

7: Do you use scarcasm? So often omg, if I use sarcasm with you it either means I absolutely hate you or I’m really comfortable it’s like a guessing game.

8: Do you still have your tonsils? Nah I got them removed when I was like 2. We found out I’m hard of hearing when I got the surgery done actually.

9: Would you bungee jump? No thanks aha heights make me nervous.

10: What is your favorite kind of cereal? Reese’s Puffs? Cinnamon Chex are good too, actually tbh Chex in general are good.

11: Do you untie your shoes when you take them off? Do people actually do this, like in all honesty is this a thing???

12: Do you think you’re a strong person? No but my friends are all like “Sasha get over here with your bear arms I need this moved” or “help I can’t open this water bottle use your manly strength to do it for me.” 13: What is your favorite ice cream flavor? Chocolate and peanut butter is really good!! I’m sensitive to lactose though.

14: What is the first thing you notice about people? I don’t really notice anything in general. I guess I just kinda notice all of them?? I judge based on personality so maybe that idk.

15: Red or pink? Pink!! It’s my favorite color, my room is even pink and I have this giant pink and lavender unicorn that lays on my bed. I love pink a lot!

16: What is the least favorite physical thing you like about yourself? I don’t like my body honestly. Like I’m super self conscious about my weight and I don’t like my acne.

17: What color pants and shoes are you wearing now? I’m wearing a night gown whoops. It’s kind of this pinkish purple with llamas wearing glasses and ties/bandannas/bow ties.

18: What was the last thing you ate? I had mashed potatoes, broccoli, and pork a couple of hours ago.

19: What are you listening to right now? Freal Luv by Far East Movement and Marshmello ft. Tinashe and Chanyeol.

20: If you were a crayon, what color would you be? Sometimes I feel like pink flamingo but other times I feel like cotton candy.

21: Favorite smell? I really like the smell of glasses cleaner and reptichip when you just make it idk.

22: Who was the last person you spoke to on the phone? I was on the phone with my grandma yesterday I think??

23: Favorite sport to watch? Hockey!! I don’t really pay attention to sports at all but I like watching it.

24: Hair color? Brown, like really dark with a red tone to it. I’m gonna be dying it pink soon though.

25: Eye color? Honestly the same color as my hair. You can’t even tell that they’re brown until you’re like half a foot away and they stop looking black.

26: Do you wear contacts? Nah I wear glasses though. I’ve always wanted to get contacts. 27: Favorite food to eat? I like the peach cobbler my grandma makes. It’s not healthy but it tastes really good and it’s not too sweet.

28: Scary movies or comedy? Scary movies are really boring but I don’t particularly enjoy comedy either??

29: Last movie you watched? I actually don’t know. I think the last one I actually watched was Moana who knows.

30: What color of shirt are you wearing? Once again I’m wearing a purple/pink night gown with llamas on it.

31: Summer or winter? I like the colder months better but weather makes people drive like absolute idiots and everything shuts down. Summer gets too hot for me but my animals like it and I’m happy when they’re more comfortable. What a dilemma lmao.

32: Hugs or kisses? Hugs. I can’t do kisses. It’s like the biggest phobia of mine, if people even act like they’re going to kiss me I will honestly have a full blown panic attack.

33: What book are you currently reading? I’m not reading one rip.

34: Who do you miss right now? It’s not a person but I really miss my Brazilian Rainbow boa. She was my first snake (I know, not a typical beginner species) and the tiniest of the litter and I’ve never found a snake quite as beautiful as her. She got out during the summer when we were treating for mites and we haven’t found her yet. I highly suspect that we’ll never find her and she got outside and I’ve come to accept this, I just hope she didn’t suffer and that she was/is comfortable. I miss my baby girl.

35: What is on your mouse pad? I’ve honestly never owned one.

36: What is the last TV program you watched? I don’t actually watch tv but my grandma really likes Hallmark so it was probably one of those corny murder shows.

37: What is the best sound? Tbh when Yuto does that little giggle and he’s so happy and just the smallest, most precious baby. Also the little noises Mourning geckos make!! Their little squeaks are so cute.

38: Rolling Stones or The Beatles? I’ve never actually listened to either sue me.

39: What is the furthest you have ever traveled? Okay so I’ve never left the United States. I moved from the pacific northwest to the south and then somewhere in New Hampshire and back to the pacific northwest though??

40: Do you have a special talent? I think I’m pretty good at drawing? People tell me I’m good at acting too but I’m skeptical.

41: Where were you born? America lmao.

42: People you expect to participate in this: I don’t have anyone to tag I have like 3 followers that are real people.

#personal

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