#when i actively wanted to take my life being told that i was selfish did NOT help. it made the desires STRONGER | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

newworldwritings · 3 months

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If Only (preview)

paring: San x chubby!reader

genre/warnings: angst, fluff, suggestive, second chance, time travel/new universe (1950s), mentions of car accidents, female reader, featuring all of ateez (greaser ateez), featuring some of the nct & stray kids boys, smoking, motorcycles, fuckboy activities, lowercase intended, insecurities, body shaming, we hate hyerin, san being oblivious in flashbacks, yunho being an absolute golden retriever, wooyoung is a bit of an ass (sorry, don’t worry tho he gets a character development) will mainly be in sans pov but will switch from other perspectives, any bold & italic words are what the characters are actually thinking

word count: 1k+

pls reblog!

taglist: open! just comment to be added!

a/n: I had a dream of this (not with the members) & I wanted to write it out, also got a bit inspired by “Marry My Husband” but it’s a completely different plot.

preview:

“san i can’t be letting you back in every time things go sideways with her, i'm done being the second choice.”

“i’m done. goodbye san.”

those were the last words L/N Y/N had told me after i chased after her out of the school, and being the idiot i was i just stood there watching her walk away from me towards yunho, one of my best mates. since when did they become close? but those were the last of my worries. i had just lost my childhood best friend because i was too blinded to show this school i was the best at everything by going after the most sought out girl of the school hyerin. when i should’ve gone for y/n. she always stood by my side, never once showed me disloyalty, and always picked me up anytime hyerin shooed me off for her other boy toys. she never once judged me for my ways and i took her kindness and love for granted.

now im left here alone with no hyerin in sight, probably making out with jaehyun, and my mates are probably having the time of their life’s at the dance with no clue that i had lost y/n.

while watching her enter yunho's car my mind was yelling at me to go after her. but i couldn’t, i had been selfish for too long. i knew she needed me to let her go so she could move on.

but that also meant i had to move on but how could i move on with life when i had lost the best thing that i could ever have in life.

watching yunho's car pull out the parking lot, i decided that one last time i wanted to be selfish. so i chased after the car. not noticing how i ended up on the main road, not noticing how a car was coming towards me until it hit me.

i flew back and laid on the road while looking at the night sky, i wanted to scream at the universe for doing this to me. when in reality i should’ve been yelling at myself for being stupid, and oblivious.

the pain from the impact of the car started invading my whole body. it hurts. everything. mentally and physically.

i closed my eyes hoping someone or something would come and take this pain away from me. not just from the impact but from my heart as well.

i heard sirens and people rushing towards me, but i also heard someone saying my name over and over again. but i couldn’t open my eyes. until someone shook my body forcefully.

then i got up like i had just woken up from a nap. looking around trying to find out who was shaking me rather than helping me. then i noticed i wasn’t on the road, it wasn’t night time, and there was no car.

rather i was on a field under a tree next to a building that looked like our university. what the fuck.

“san!”

i looked forward to the person in front of me calling me.

“y/n?” but this was not my y/n i could tell from the very different clothes she was wearing and her hairstyle was completely different. it seemed like a hairstyle that would be done in the 1950s.

“come on, we’re gonna be late!” she pulled me up and started fixing my leather jacket. wait when was i wearing this. where am i?!

while I was lost in my thoughts i heard a group of people calling me towards the entrance of the school. wait is that?

“come on san we don’t want to get yelled at by Ms. Lisa again hurry up!” hongjoong?

it was all my friends, but it wasn’t at the same time? since when did we all start wearing matching leather jackets? but before i can question anyone y/n pulled me towards them.

“lover boy is gonna miss his chance to talk to hyerin before class.” i turned too wooyoung, who was snickering, but i was too focused on his appearance. he didn’t have his oreo hair as he liked to call it, his hair was all black with an undercut. when did he have time to do that? before i could turn to y/n to ask her what’s going on i was being pushed towards the door, following the rest of the boys, while i had time to look around the area i looked at the backs of my mates and some of there side profiles. they all had their hairs gelled back, even jongho who preferred the boyfriend style. what stood out to me the most was the leather jackets we were all wearing had ‘ATEEZ’ in big white letters with 3 motorcycles below it. they all look like they had just came out a greaser movie with this style they all had. wait… y/ns style of clothing along with my mates. am i in a different timeline..? no that can’t be.

to further prove my theory, i turned to y/n.

“y/n, what’s the date?” she looked at me weirdly.

“it’s march 29?” she said as if it was the most obvious answer. “no, what year are we in?”

“san are you ok? did you hit your head? you’re acting really weird”

“who’s acting weird?” wooyoung turned around to look at us. “san, he’s asking what year we’re in.”

wooyoung only chuckled, “he's probably just nervous because hyerin is going out with him this weekend, san it’s 1955 you bimbo. now loosen up don’t want to scare hyerin off.”

i stopped in my place. “it’s 1955!?” everyone turned to me. “aye san you sure you good?” i turned to yunho with a look that screams ‘do i look good to you?’

“oooookaayy, i’m gonna take this one to Lee before class, we will catch up to you guys later.” y/n waved to everyone while pushing me towards a different door.

what the actual fuck is going on.

#san x reader #san x y/n #san imagines #ateez #ateez fanfic #ateez fic #ateez x reader #ateez imagines #ateez san #ateez angst #ateez fluff #san angst #san fluff #ateez au #san x you #san smut

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ethanmorales · 11 months

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Misconceptions

Part 1 | Part 2

Part Three - Thawed

Pairing: Ethan Morales x fem reader 2.7k words Requested Tags: @arij3lly @hitoshislut @bjrmaybank @ghostfaceorgirlfriend Warnings: swearing, smut

"I missed you.”

I roll my eyes. “You always say that".

“I always mean it,” he says.

I study him carefully and he lets me. His eyes never falter, just stay on mine as if he has nothing to hide.

“Did something happen?” I finally ask.

Ethan smiles, “You see too much, lady. Have I ever told you that?”

“Only when you’re mad at me,” I say with a shrug. He laughs at this and wraps an arm around my waist; then rests his forehead on my shoulder, hiding his face from me. I feel him taking a deep breath.

“I’m just tired.” He mumbles.

I wait a moment before responding as gently as I can, “Is it your parents again?”

His arms around me tighten but he says nothing. My heart sinks, suddenly feeling crappy about being mad at him all this time. I’m the only one that knows about his parents. The only person he can come to even if he never actually talks about it. Suddenly I feel guilty for thinking more about my own selfish feelings when I know he’s got a lot going on at home. Things that are far more important to him right now.

I lift a hand and smooth it over his hair as he continues to rest his head on my shoulder. We stay like that for a few minutes until he finally lifts his head, a cheeky smile adorning his lips.

“What?” I ask, already knowing him well enough to know that this smile means trouble. All kinds of trouble.

“Let’s do something stupid,” he declares.

I take a deep breath, “Fine. Just nothing illegal. I’m still traumatized about last time.”

Ethan laughs heartily. “You’re the reason we got caught!”

I huff, acting undignified. “Well, I’m sorry. At the time, I wasn’t aware that we were conducting criminal activity. My apologies!”

Ethan kisses me deeply, without warning, then pulls away from me like it was nothing. I stared at him, confused.

“You’re hot when you talk all proper,” he says with a shrug. I roll my eyes, fighting the smile that is tugging at the corners of my mouth. I lose the battle when he casually reaches out to hold my hand, steering me away from our oak tree. My heart performs somersaults in my chest, but I make sure to keep my voice light and neutral.

“Soooo, what are we doing?”

Ethan hesitates, then pretends to pout. “Apparently, nothing illegal. Those are the most fun things to do, ya know?”

I laugh at his theatrics.

Choosing my words carefully, I play along. “Some people might argue that there is at least one thing that’s more fun.” I wait for his reaction, a smartass comment or flirty remark at least.

Instead, he abruptly stops walking and with the hand that he is still holding, pulls me back and against his body. Face to face, mouth hovering over mine, noses touching, he speaks. “Don’t tease me, babe. Not unless you plan on putting your money where your mouth is.” I’m still holding my breath as his eyes look back and forth between my eyes and my lips. “You know damn well that I would have no trouble taking you right here where we stand.”

At his words, my knees suddenly feel weak. The familiar flame inside me suddenly comes back to life and rages like a firestorm. With eyes locked on him, I speak slowly, deliberately. “Maybe we should find somewhere private to continue this conversation.”

“Fuck.” He swears and pulls away from me, gaze quickly studying our surroundings.

My eyes stay on him as he struggles with a solution.

“Y/N, I need you to stop looking at me like that or so help me God, we won’t make it anywhere else.”

I bite my lip, unable to stop myself. I wanted him. I wanted him more than I’ve ever wanted anyone else. The fact that we’ve never gone past second base might have something to do with all this built-up hunger for each other.

“Did you drive here?” I ask.

He shakes his head, “Nah, needed the walk. You?”

I shake my head as well, “Only a block away for me. No point.”

We both go quiet for a few seconds and then we look at each other.

“My house” “I say at the same time he asks, “Is your mom home?”

“She’s working today.”

That’s all the confirmation he needs. Grabbing my hand again he pulls me with him in the direction of my house. We walk quickly, so it takes a little over 5 minutes to reach my front door. My hands are shaking as I try to unlock the door. Ethan takes the key from my hand and unlocks it for me. He motions for me to go first, so I do. He follows, closing the door behind us.

“My room is upstairs,” I explain, turning to face him. He’d come to visit before but has never actually been in my bedroom.

“Fuck that.” Ethan cuts the distance between us, grabs my face and kisses me hard. All I can do is loop my hands around his neck to hold on as he pushes me into the wall closest to us. I pull out of his kiss briefly to catch my breath, but he wastes no time as his mouth travels down to the crook of my neck sucking at the sensitive skin there. I let out a shaky breath, enjoying the sensations rippling through me from his work. After a moment, he looks back at me and smiles with mischief, lifting me and wrapping my legs around his own waist, to have a more secure hold on me. His lips find mine again and kiss me, once, twice. Pulling away before the kiss can deepen. Teasing me, I realize.

I huff, slightly annoyed. He chuckles at my reaction and with the proximity of our bodies, I can feel the vibration of his laugh quiver through my core. It’s enough to drive me over the edge. I weave my hands in his hair and pull him to me, kissing again for a moment then pulling at this bottom lip with my teeth. He groans at this, and I smile. The serious look on his face tells me he’s done teasing for now.

“I want you.” I say, my voice trembles with how strong the emotion truly is.

He starts kissing me again and I lose myself in it, barely aware that he has pulled us away from the wall and is carrying me to the first room he finds, which turns out to be the living room. I only realize we’ve changed locations when I feel the familiar softness of our couch against my back, with Ethan on top of me, slowly rolling his body into mine in a rhythmic grind.

I moan and I can’t stop the sound from escaping any less than I can stop the tension building inside of me which forces me to claw at his shirt, in my attempt to take it off. Noticing my struggle, Ethan helps take it off and proceeds to help me out of mine. Then my bra. I let myself enjoy the look on his face as he looks down at my bare torso. He makes a sound with the back of his throat and bites his lip.

“You are so fucking beautiful.”

I feel heat spread across my cheeks in a blush and this seems to rile him up more.

“Fuck, Y/N.” he kisses me again at the same time as one of his hands finds my breast. I gasp at the warmth of his fingers as he starts stroking me. His lips leave me again as he starts a trail of wet kisses down to my chest. With one hand still caressing one breast, his mouth finds the other one. He covers my nipple with his mouth and sucks at it softly, then harder, grazing his teeth. I moan, harder than the time before. He groans in response to me but continues what he’s doing. After he is satisfied with this part, he continues kissing down my stomach to my lower abdomen.

All I am aware in that moment is my ragged breathing, the wild thumping of my heart in my chest and the swiftness in which Ethan unbuttons my jeans and pulls it off me along with my underwear in what must be some kind of record. I barely have time to be impressed as he ducks his head between my legs and his tongue slips into my folds. I take a deep breath and grab a handful of his hair as he sucks on me. My breathing grows heavier as he kisses, sucks and licks my sanity away. The ache I feel has become unbearable and cannot imagine it’s any better for him.

“Ethan, please.” I beg.

He looks up at me, making eye contact briefly while licking the wetness on his lips and smiling at me.

“Almost baby.”

“What else do you want from me? I feel like I’m going to combust into goddamn glitter,” I was whining at this point. Which only made the smile on his face widen.

“I swear to God, Ethan. If you don-”

I gasp again as he inserts a finger inside of me while still holding my gaze steadily.

“You swear to God what?” he challenges.

I am too far gone to play it cool. I just want him, and I want all of him now.

“Please.”

He doesn’t bat an eye at my request, but he slowly starts sliding his finger in and out, maintaining eye contact with me. The movement is so unbearably slow, I feel like I could claw his heart out for being such an asshole. But the flame inside of me is consuming me so I start moving my hips against his finger to make the process faster. Ethan chuckles.

“That’s fucking sexy,” his voice is low with lust, almost a growl.

But still, he does not give in. So, I decide enough is enough and push him off me to the side and he meets the ground.

I hear him laughing and groaning in pain from hitting his elbow on the coffee table.

“Okay, I deserve that,” he starts saying but stops once he realizes I’m on top of him now, already working on the button of his jeans. His hands meet mine to help but I swat them away, already done unbuttoning it. Helping him out of his jeans is nowhere near as graceful as when he did it, but I got it done.

I marvel at the size of him, the wetness between my legs intensifying at the sight. Ethan doesn’t move, aside from placing his hands on my hips once I straddle him, knowing it was my turn to run the show. I slowly run a finger along his member, and I feel him tremble just from the light touch. I smile, looking at all of him. The lines on his stomach are defined, accentuating the tattoo on his left ribcage. I trace a finger over the words, still he doesn’t move. I bent down and licked through the space separating his abs. I hear an intake of breath, but nothing else.

“You’re very patient.” I say calmly.

“Not that patient,” he mutters. I glance at his face, and he looks tortured. His soft curls are framing his face. Mouth in a thin line, eyes half closed- he looked like one of those sculpted Greek gods.

I lean in to kiss him, very softly this time, just a brush of our lips. He tries bringing me closer but stops once he feels me pulling his member inside me. We both moan once he is fully inside, and I start rolling my hips back and forth. I start riding him slowly and start increasing my tempo gradually. Ethan is moaning nonstop, and I feel him swelling up inside of me with every movement, filling up all the space inside me. Finally, he swears under his breath.

“If you’re waiting for me to beg-

I cut him off, “You can help now.”

Without a moment of hesitation, he rolls us over so that he is back on top. He kisses me hard once more before he plunges himself deep into me. I don’t care how loud I’m being as he repeats the motion, each time harder and deeper, hitting my g spot without mercy. But the tempo does not change.

“Faster.” I demand.

This time he doesn’t tease or ignore my request. He moves faster, his hips rolling into mine, burying himself all the way into my core. Our breathing picks up as we both start reaching our peak. Ethan grabs the back of one of my legs, and wraps it higher up around his back, to get better access to me. At this angle, he reaches the perfect spot and I scream as he rams into me. Confirming he picked the right position; he mercilessly thrusts himself into me repeatedly. I feel all my muscles contract as the pleasure builds up and I have no warning when my orgasm rips through me in an explosion of colors and sensations. I scream his name which lets him know I have reached my peak; it takes him a few more thrusts before he lets his take over, moaning alongside me as he continues to move with me. I feel it when he cums, the warmth inside of me bringing us both to a stop. Breathing heavily, his eyes widen.

“Fuck. I’m so sorry, Y/N. I was going to pull o-”

“I’m on the pill,” I say quickly, to stop his apologies. He lets out a sigh of relief and then falls on me from exhaustion. We stay like that for a few minutes, sharing heavy breaths and silence. Finally, he moves to take the weight of his body off me, laying on his side, but then grabs at my hip to pull me into him, putting us face to face.

Our eyes meet and I cannot for the life of me know what he is thinking, but I know that all I feel is love. I’m afraid of admitting it. We’ve been doing this playful back and forth for 5 months now. But for one reason or another, we never had sex before. I didn’t want to ruin what we had so far. I know I’ve been freaking out about wanting us to be more for the past few weeks, but in this moment after what we just shared, I was okay with waiting until his life was less chaotic. It was selfish of me to be thinking about my needs and not his. He’s a person too.

He runs a finger over my bottom lip, which pulls me from my thoughts. He is looking at me with the sweetest, most tender look I’ve ever seen on him, and my heartbeat picks up at the sight of it.

“Ethan,” I find myself saying his name, though I don’t know what I want to say. His finger leaves my lips and falls on my shoulder. He trails down my arm until he reaches my hand. His fingers now play with mine, but his eyes are still on me, with the same emotion in them.

“I fucked up,” he finally speaks.

I frown at this, my mind quickly going to worst case scenario; he regrets having sex with me. The look on my face must have told him something because he quickly corrects himself.

“Not with this. No, this was… amazing. You are amazing,” he explains. The tightness in my chest lightens.

I wait for him to continue but can see him struggling to put it into words.

“You can tell me anything.” Is all I say.

This visibly calmed him down and the anxiousness seemed to ebb away. He smiles warmly at me, making my heart skip a beat in the process.

“Okay. So. I may, possibly, probably, more than likely have,” he pauses his rambling, lets out a shaky breath, then speaks again.

“I think I caught feelings for you.”

To be continued…

__________________________

A/N: I am feeling all kinds of way now. Wow. Okay. I might end it here? I'm afraid if I keep going I might ruin it. What do you all think though? Should I do one last part or leave it as is? As always, thanks for reading!🧡

#ethan morales #ethan morales fanfic #ethan morales x reader #never have i ever #never have i ever season 4 #ben gross #devi vishwakumar #michael cimino #nhie #nhie s4 #ethanmorales #ethanmorales fanfic

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something-about-sunflowers · 9 months

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I kinda feel like too many people aren't looking at the whole picture with Guillermo and Nandor/his family this season?

Guillermo knows, to a certain extent, that it's hurting Nandor that he's avoiding him. He just can't not avoid him because of the whole 'secretly turned by another vampire and Nandor will have to kill him then himself for the sake of his bruised honor/ego' thing.

Guillermo is also hurting though. His attempt to take some agency for himself by actively pursuing something he's wanted since before he even met Nandor has massively backfired on him in every possible way he couldn't even begin to expect. He didn't know he'd have a Weird Transformation. He didn't know there was some taboo for having another vampire turn him as Nandor's familiar (and he's not actually Nandor's familiar anymore anyway, technically, they're all just dumb and forgot that fact). He, comparatively, only recently found out about the whole Van Helsing thing and that his family can't control themselves around vampires (though I feel like it probably will be different with their Memo, if we're being honest), so he very likely thought for most of his time waiting for Nandor to turn him that he'd still be able to see them occasionally and get/give closure over a longer period of time before he had to stop seeing them when it became obvious he wasn't aging like they were.

He does care about his mom, yall, did you miss him breaking down in the elevator or were you just distracted by him breaking the hand-rail? He's just been very preoccupied with a whole lot of drama (Which he complained about! He told Nandor how upset he was that the wedding and Baby Colin were keeping him too busy to see his family! The end of season 4 was days before the start of season 5.) and an extreme life change. He's an adult. That kind of shit happens when you're an adult (granted, his situation is significantly more fantastical given the whole vampires thing but still). Sometimes you get caught up in your adult life and you miss your mom's birthday. Sometimes you make a big life change that you think is what's best for you and it means you won't be able to be as close to your family. Yes. It's selfish of him - to an extent - but for fuck's sake you can't live your life for other people, even - especially, in some cases - if those people are your family. I'm kind of appalled at people saying that he's deserving to feel bad and rejected because he made a choice for himself. Do you think his mom is blaming him as harshly as some of you are? No! The first thing she asked him was 'are you happy with this change?' She cares about her son's happiness. He's not entirely in the right but fuck do yall know how to do anything but swing hard in the other direction? There's grey areas! All in the middle! Right there, look!!

And then on top of him already being extremely emotionally compromised from reckoning with having to leave his family behind, on top of the already 'emotionally difficult' avoiding Nandor for both of their sakes, he gets another big rejection in his own home from the people he cares most about. I don't know if Nandor noticed that his rejection hurt Guillermo. He's dumb but I really don't know if he's that dumb. He's been able to recognize in the past when he's hurt Guillermo so I don't see why he couldn't now. Are yall gonna blame Memo for feeling bad if Nandor decides to do something to try and win him back or cheer him up? Or if Nandor is upset/worried about having hurt Guillermo?

I don't really know where I'm going with this anymore lmao. My point is: Yes, Guillermo's choice is hurting people but it's also hurting him and he's been hurt for a while now and hurt people hurt people (which is why Nandor lashed out too!) so cut him a little bit of slack maybe? He didn't do anything to intentionally hurt anyone he just wanted to take some agency back for himself that he's been missing for like. Ten. Thirteen years or so now.

#the dork is being a dork #wwdits #wwdits spoilers #wwdits s5 spoilers #wwdits season 5 spoilers #what we do in the shadows #what we do in the shadows spoilers #what we do in the shadows s5 spoilers #what we do in the shadows season 5 spoilers #mind i'm ALSO feeling bad for nandor #i can care about both of them at the same time #but i don't get how yall can look at memo crying in that elevator #and hear the break in his voice when he say 'well okay then' and how SAD he sounds when he responds to nandor's 'wait what?'#and think he deserves that #or that it's good for him to feel rejected from both of his families

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bonefall · 7 months

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So, since BB!Ivypool will use her newfound deputy status to force a confrontation with Dovewing- how would she react if Dovewing snaps and told her to her face that she never, EVER wanted to speak with her again after everything? Like, would it click for her that even if she deeply regrets the way she treated her sister, no matter how sorry she is its up to Dovewing if she's ever forgiven? Or does she blame Heartstar thinking she turned her sister against her?

Let's pop open the hood of BB!Ivypool and her fucked up little life, and every person she's been leading up to the end of BB!TBC.

All of this starts with her father, Lionblaze, raising her with this axiom; That you are given strength to serve your Clan.

While he used Dovepaw and her powers in service of ThunderClan (often fighting with her mentor, Birchfall), Lionblaze encouraged his daughter to involve herself in Dark Forest training. Ivypaw felt like this was how she "earned" affection from her Ba, with hard work.

Just as Lionblaze believed that his physical abuse at the paw of Ashfur made him stronger, Ivypool also came to believe that growing up thrown to the wolves made her stronger too.

So when Dovewing first started to... not even REJECT the idea, just display any resentment towards it at all, it's like a personal slight.

No one ever fucking listens to Dovewing. No one cares what she wants. Just what she can do for them.

And Ivypool was super part of that. Her mentor is Brightheart, who often overexerts herself as an expression of PTSD. She saw Hawkfrost "die" turning against Tigerstar for the greater good. She sees Bumblestripe "working so hard" to "help Dovewing adjust" while she's losing her hearing.

In her eyes, Dovewing was being selfish. Look at all these people who give EVERYTHING to their Clans-- how dare you try and make it about yourself?

Tigerheart, in and out of their life constantly, gets blamed because it's a lot easier to pin it all on the Evil Codebreaking Foreigner than admit that maybe Dovewing has a point. Ah HA! THERE is the villain responsible for making my sister act weird! I knew it all along!

(Plus Tigerheart and Ivypool got pitted against each other a LOT in DF training because Ivy was Hawkfrost's apprentice and Tigerheart was Tigerstar's, for some incredibly fucked up projection reasons you'd expect of Tunnelbunstar. Ivypool will nonsensically blame Tigerheart like she's a Dinkleberg.)

(Also tbf tigerheart would 100% let her believe it, 1. Because it's funny, and 2. Because it takes the heat off Dovewing)

And Ivypool was VICIOUS about this. AVoS is still getting shuffled but if anything vindictive she did towards Dove in that arc gets removed, I will replace it with something just as bad. She would actively sabotauge ShadowClan if it meant keeping Tigerheart away from Dovewing.

She can't handle the thought of losing Dovewing. At some point, it became about control. It's her insecurity towards herself, towards her family, towards all of her losses, and even towards service of her very Clan.

And then Dovewing booked it. Couldn't handle this shit and panicked and BAILED.

And THEN it's about getting Dovewing BACK. She's even dragged Fernsong into this and tried to leverage his friendship with Dovewing to this end. She'll even support Bumblestripe when he tries to argue for an invalidation of Queen’s Rights on technicality.

Ivypool: "Those kits are Bumblestripe's! He has a claim! They even have HIS MANE"

Heartstar: "Hmm. No, it is very clearly MY mane."

Ivypool: "You can't-- wait what?"

Heartstar: "Lightkit even has my beautiful smile <3 so fuck off, maybe?"

For a long time that's where Ivypool was. She was the awful, vindictive sister-in-law constantly trying to weasel in to make Dovewing feel bad. When she had kittens of her own, she was still in this mindset.

It didn't end well. In BB!TBC, Bristlefrost needed her. Ivypool stepped in to prevent her from being the impostor's pawn, but refused to do anything when she was caught and imprisoned for being in a HalfClan relationship. She needed to be punished as a codebreaker.

Brought to the next Gathering, the impostor reiterated the need to enforce the code, and desperate times calling for desperate measures. He called for SkyClan to punish their own warrior. They refused to make this a public spectacle.

So he sliced open her throat, right on the branch beside him.

Ivypool didn't imagine she would be KILLED. Suddenly her whole world shattered. The moon stayed clear and bright. Her daughter was dead before she hit the ground and she had HERSELF to blame.

Dovewing and Ivypool served in the rebellion together, and eventually Ivy went into the Dark Forest as a Light in the Mist. She watched Bristlefrost die, AGAIN, knocking Ashfur out of the sky and burning them both up in orbit, and how brave Shadowsight had been in pinning him in place.

Ivypool NEEDS Dovewing to know now that she's different. She's learned a lot. She understands so, so much more now...

But DOES she? She still hates Heartstar's guts. She still feels abandoned. How different ARE you now, Ivypool, with your renewed interest in finding some petty reason to skirt around Dovewing's direct wishes? When you're still here getting into blowout arguments with Heartstar?

So to answer the question, if Dovewing told her directly, "I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOUR DESPERATION. IM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR FEELINGS. PISS OFF"

Ivypool would not be able to accept that.

It just wouldn't stick, ever. It really is desperation. Dovewing NEEDS to know that Ivypool loves her and misses her, and that she understands, but also that Heartstar is delusional, and this is still kind of Dovewing's fault. And Ivypool will do anything to make her know this.

But I also DO want to say; this is a very unique weakness. It is Dovewing Derangement Syndrome. Ivypool is a competent deputy, and she is a devoted and respected warrior of ThunderClan. It will be no surprise she's being picked for deputy, especially considering (god willing) Squirrelstar is seeking war with ShadowClan.

She is a good friend, mate, and leader. But BB!Ivypool is so, so fucked in the head about Dovewing. This family can fit so much trauma in it

#BB!Ivypool #Better bones au #BB!OOTS #bb!TBC #BB!Dovewing #BB!Heartstar #Ivy is both a victim and a perpetrator. I do have sympathy for her #Which I think is what really makes this so juicy #But your pain doesn't mean you get to have whatever you want #Or even whatever you think you need #I think it's hard to explain it because it's not logical AT ALL #It's a boiling soup of strong and desperate emotions that Ivy has not unpacked #And how can you even? SO much has happened to Ivy #So many awful and DIFFERENT things #I want to study her #For the record btw I am on Dovewing's side in this conflict tho lmaoooooooo #Dovewing I'm so sorry. It's extremely fun watching Ivypool try to break into your house to rearrange your fridge magnets to say 'TALK TO ME #You deserve better. But I cant look away.#Dovewing is trying so hard to become a background character it's hysterical #Girl you are in the Main Character Family (for bb at least) you are not allowed to have a peaceful life with your beautiful wife

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caesarinsalata · 3 months

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A List of My Headcanons for Edward Elric: Full Throttle Edition!

What I mean by the subtitle, is what I think happened in the parts of the story, between, that weren't shown. Like what happened during their travels and locations they went too or things they did that are NOT in canon

Share your thoughts if you share any Headcanons with me or have any ideas to expand upon these, because I feel these are topics and ideas that are so interesting to ponder!

Onto the List!

(I'm adding a break cause this post is VERY wordy~)

The precursor to the rest to "set the scene":

HC 1 - Ed does NOT have a sexist or elitist bone in his little body!

This is something EVERYONE knows about him. Given the plethora of female role models in his entire life, he grows to respect and/or fear women. He treats everyone equally and bases his opinion on them based on their actions.

As well as despite having a fat pocket full of cash because of his status, it never goes to his head. He happily gives his money to those that help him. He sometimes uses his status to get what he wants, but not always for selfish reasons. It's usually to help his cause or someone else.

HC 2 - Edward wore Winry's clothes when he was hiding out in Resembool waiting for her and Al.

Now, correct me if I'm wrong, but these boys burned EVERYTHING they owned. Maybe except for what Ed carries with him in his trunk, whereever that thing may be on the regular basis no one knows. But! I'd like to believe that after the incident and the time skip, Ed most likely didn't have ANY of his original belongings, right? I mean yeah, he could go to fabric stores and transmute himself some stuff while passing towns. At the same time, he probably couldnt just walk into a store or town very often for fear of being recognized because of being a fugitive at the time. He could always have his big strong body guards go get him clothes, but they don't understand his style, so he wouldn't ask, right? Besides, what's the fun in that?

I believe, that while he was waiting in Resembool and Pinako told him to go take a shower, because imagine how dirty and stinky they'd be traveling in the forest and by night for days?? I feel she would've given him Winry's clothes, to change into.

And you can very well argue 'His clothes look like they're made for men. They aren't women's clothes. They aren't the same size and Eds grown, they wouldn't fit!' Ah! But what if, he just transmutes them to better fit his shoulder width and leg length?

That's what's fun about this thought, he could very well still have clothes at the Rockbells and just transmutes them bigger when they don't fit by combining fabrics. But if he did in fact burn everything he owned in the fire, he'd have to use something for material for clothes when he's under the radar.

But if he didn't wear Winry's clothes, what do you think he grabbed to transmute himself some clothes while down in Resembool? If he doesn't transmute himself clothes in hiding, then what if he uses Pinako's sons old clothes or old clothes from hohenheim? Pinako's bound to have clothes laying around her house from all the boys running around.

HC 3 - Ed PREFERS his hair up (braided or tied) over down.

Okay, so hear me out....if you put aside the fact that he obviously wears it tied back for convenience purposes because of being very mobile and active. BUT! At the same time when you think about when Ed comes back after the time skip and he reads the note of the description they're looking for: Red coat, blonde w/braid, and short. And he says: "Guess I'm stuck with this look for now..." It makes me think:

Obviously, he cares about his looks, right? Not in a selfish way, but he cares about his appearance and he feels confident in his old red and black attire with his signature braid. But he can't have that right now because he'd be easy to spot.

So, Ed's OKAY with his hair being down, but only if he's not doing anything. As soon as they get caught and he's carried to the car, he puts his hair up. It would just get in the way.

But like I said, I believe, he just prefers it being up, especially when he's doing something. In this instance, since he cant braid it, he just puts it in a ponytail.

Which this preference for his braid makes sense later when he's fighting Pride, cause it's in a braid again. So he obviously feels he looks better with the braid.

But when he changes it to a ponytail when he's older is probably just for mature reasons so he looks older. Plus he's letting it grow, so it's harder for him to braid when it's much longer than his shoulders, so I feel he's just like 'Fuck it, ponytail it is!'

Before this post gets too long, I'll stop here and maybe make continuations as I think of them. Feel free to expand upon these ideas or tell me your ideas! I love delving deeper into character personalities and properties they have.

#fma #fullmetal alchemist #fmab #fullmetal alchemist brotherhood #fma hc #fma headcanon #full throttle ed #edward elric #long post #long text post #text post #this post is long and winded #sorry #i love analyzing characters for these smaller hidden attributes that build their personality #or likes and dislikes #its fun to look a little deeper into characters in general

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mrsnancywheeler · 3 months

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I JUST REALIZED THE GUILT SECTION LF THAG ASK GOT ERASED…am here it is

Guilt because he had rooted for Conways death, his tributes, death. He never thought he would be the type to wish for anyone’s death, let alone his sweet girls best friend. Sure he didn’t love the guy, in fact Finnick saw him as a pain, a thorn in his side, he was jealous of Conway, angered by him, but Conway cared for Finnicks sweet girl. That Finnick can relate to. More than he could relate to anything.

YES I LOVE THESE SM YOU HAVE NO IDEA

Finnick is supposed to care about keeping his tributes alive, both of them for as long as possible, but there wasn't a singular second after you got reaped that he thought about training the other tribute, getting them sponsors, how they'd brand themselves, just you, and it's so fucked because why should he pick and choose on human life just because he loves you more? it's so selfish, but he does it anyway because he loves you

and he knows reader like himself, better then he knows himself. so he knows you've got a plan the moment conway's name is called because that's just who you are, you're walks want to protect you. and he's so jealous when you're all close to conway on the train, but finnick is so proud because you're smart and you don't give up. all the years where you had to charm your way into getting things you wanted, bartering with people who didn't really want to just because you were so sweet and charismatic. he knows you'll be able to play the Capitol and Conway loves you, he'll never assume the worst.

but every time Finnick's brain stops being in overdrive he feels the pounding guilt sneaking into his head. because Conway is just a boy in love with you, just like he is, and conway is good, kind, he'd never endorse a plan like this. yet he resented the idea that Conway was morally superior, even if it was true, no one truly good ever won the games, if you wanted to survive you played them.

when you win and spend endless night and days crying because of Conway, Finnick wants to do the same. Because he'd actively only gotten you sponsors, he'd given you tips, he told Conway to imply he loved you because the Capitol would love it and it would work for your narrative. He'd only ever treated Conway like an extension or an obstacle of you, but we was another kid from his school, his hometown, his family sold his crawfish. he felt guilty that he despised when Conway had a possibility of a future with you or even kissed you in the arena.

but his sweet girl was safe because of it so it had to be all worth it. the haughtier part of him secretly thought Conway should have noticed, you'd always told Conway to find someone else, set him up with other girls, dated others, you'd only picked him when it was life or death, why did it take him so long to notice? and finnick was proud that you'd always pick him. but then the neverending cycle of guilt was back because he felt just as guilty as you did.

but that's why you two were meant to be, you burned together, you could be destructive together but also build each other up. you would have been wasted on a life with Conway, you would've swept him up when Finnick could have walked through the storm.

I love my little nuanced characters sm

#wanda 💋#finnick odair x reader #finnick odair #finnick odair x y/n #finnick odair fluff #finnick odair angst #finnick odair x reader fluff #finnick odair x you #finnick odair x reader angst #the lakes #the river

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poimandresnous · 7 months

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What Does Benevolence and Righteousness Mean and How Should We Practice Them?

Musing on this particular section of the Zhuangzi [13.15-13.24.6] which is a dialogue between Lao Dan (Old Master Lao Tzu or Laozi) and Confucius.

Confucius is traveling westward to deposit his writings at the Zhou court, when one of his disciples, Zilu suggests he go visit "a certain Lao Dan..." to inquire about the "twelve classics" (I'll provide a link that lists all the "classics.") which seem to be a collection of Chinese poetry, philosophy, and mythological texts. As Confucius explains these twelve classics to Lao Dan, Lao Dan scoffs and requests to just hear the essentials, exclaiming this is too tedious [13.15-13.18]. To which Confucius responds in 13.19: "The essentials consist of benevolence and righteousness." To which both Confucius and Lao Dan agree that benevolence and righteousness are innate to one's own original nature [13.20-13.21].

Lao Dan then goes on to inquire about what 'benevolence' and 'righteousness' mean. Confucius could be correct in this explanation, but in so far as what benevolence and righteousness mean to Master Zhuang & Guo Xiang, that is another story. Confucius explains that, "One should take the happiness of others sincerely to heart and should love everyone impartially, this is what 'benevolence' and 'righteousness' really mean." [13.23]. Now, Lao Dan scoffs at this, and I did too when reading that. But this is a statement I would've agreed with not that long ago probably. To show love to all people is what I thought it meant to be good and benevolent.

Why Lao Dan (and Master Zhuang, the author) scoffs at such a remark is because he believes to keep in mind that one should "love everyone" with such conscious action is to actually act partially. It's an act that is partial to one's own self-interest, the most extreme form of self-interest: having that "impartial" love reciprocated. [13.24.2] "To be impartial in this way is actually a matter of self-interest." Guo Xiang's commentary on this one line reminds us that we must rid ourselves of any human notion of "impartiality." In the Inner Chapters of the Zhuangzi, we are told to discard our preconceived notions of "what is" and "what is not" in chapter 2.10.4 of "Regarding All Things Equal 齊物論."

The idea Lao Dan is trying to convey, I think, is that instead of keeping in your mind consciously that you need to love everyone upon meeting them, rather we should, "trust freely in your virtue to act, keep in step with the Dao as you throw yourself into things, and you shall already be there." [13.24.4] meaning trust your innate principle that lies within you, and act according to what is being presented to you. Now to "act in accord with one's innate principle" is something I assume is truly brought about by participating in authentic Daoist practice, which I currently am not doing (just working on establishing a good relationship with my ancestors at the moment and philosophizing). So when we rely on "loving everyone impartially," this is an error. If a situation calls for benevolence and righteousness, and if it is in your nature to express that, then yes that is what we should do. But what about those situations where benevolence and righteousness are not called for? What then?

Online and in real life we will be faced with racists, bigots, and the like, to actively go out of your way to "love" these people is selfish because in wanting to love these kinds of people, its an act of displaying one own "uprightness" or morality. In Chapter 7 of the Zhuangzi, Fit To Be Sovereigns 應帝王, we are told, [7.26.1] "Don't play a role of befitting reputation. And again earlier in Chapter 2 "Regarding All Things Equal 齊物論," [2.14.23] "When uprightness would display its cleanliness, it won’t inspire trust."

This is a flaw Master Zhuang is trying to point out in the Confucius schools, for he says [13.24.5] "Why so energetically keep on promoting benevolence and righteousness, as if beating a drum were the way to catch a runaway?" I take this to mean that to consciously keep such "benevolence" and "righteousness" at the center of one's mind: this only drives people away from true benevolence and righteousness which is innate to everyone, as they both agreed in sections 13.20-13.21. The active and self-conscious effort to keep these things in mind and to practice them is to cause great confusion to our original nature. Our original nature calls us to act benevolent and righteous only when it is appropriate, according to Master Zhuang. To act with benevolence and righteousness when it is solely appropriate is to forget all about one's own preconceived notions of what "benevolent" and "righteousness" is, and thus acting in step with Heaven, in step with the inarticulate Dao [13.24.6].

The link to the list of the "twelve classics"

#daoism #philosophy #chinese philosophy #taoism #zhuangzi #lao dan #Lao Tzu #Confucius

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the-belle-siblings · 5 months

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(Ooc) btw S. V. Left a long message for Terra.

Ooc because this is actually serious stuff to talk about:

Pride wasn't the only thing involved in those situations. It was the will of the individual to act. It cannot all be attributed to something as simple as pride. I didn't even take the comment of being called gay as an insult I was simply explaining that it isn't quite a compliment either. Especially how it's typically used in a derogatory way most times. (It obviously wasn't in your situation but the ask I was given sorta made it out that I had taken it as insult. I did not, Terra was upset that she was told her plans all fail not that she was called gay. I thought it was a point that should be mentioned anyways.)

Being queer is tough, it's full of challenges. It's the power of the individual to realize "Hey, I am actually your equal and your not gonna treat me like crap." That's what gets things done, it's more spite and will then actual pride. That's my point.

Being queer is being beaten down and holding onto the most simple things because we are powerful and spiteful and alive, not prideful. We group around each other, spit on our wounds and stand up even though we're outnumbered, because we know that we don't deserve to be treated as lesser. Pride suggests that we deserve to be put onto a pedestal which isn't at all the case.

Everything we've accomplished is queer spite, queer sweat, queer tears, queer blood, queer love, queer community. We aren't prideful gods above all creation we are simple human beings raising banners with our blood for the sake of life. We are survivors of our every day existence. It is a constant battle and yet recently we have been deceived by our foes and told that the war is over.

It is not over. It has simply just begun.

We still continue to lose our rights because they aren't protected by our government. And we don't fight back! Why? Because "you already have pride month" or "it was worse back in my day." We are actively being gaslit! We hardly have any control over our lives and we're being told "grow up you liberal snowflake."

You can be proud of who you are and not change a damn thing about the world around you. However if you love who you and your community are, you will likely feel spiteful towards those who threaten you. Love is more powerful than pride.

If you love your people you're going to help them. That's where everything comes from. It comes from love and spite. "I hate that you hurt the thing I love so I'll take care of it and show it off!" That's us. It's all about the kindness in our hearts and the motivation for change. Love and Spite. In other words, passion.

Queer Passion > Gay Pride

Pride can only get you so far but with passion, you move forwards no matter what. Because you want that change. You need that change. This whole damn world needs to change.

Oppression is prideful. They view themselves as above others for the reasons they find in a delusional man's novel. They view themselves as above others as a desperate cling to power. They are prideful, selfish, idiotic, and greedy.

That's why I believe in passion over pride.

Though Pride month does sound a bit better than Passion month I must admit.

I'm saying this as queer person who struggles with their gender identity and sexuality. I've been called slurs and misgendered and deadnamed. When it comes to myself I get the adrenaline rush and I drop it. However if I hear it about my brother or one of my friends I'm legit ready to lay someone out.

I have legitimately almost fought someone for calling my brother a slur. That isn't pride! That's love for my family and friends and my community! That's spite and rage towards my oppressors! Me shouting as I'm shaking in anger and fear isn't my pride, it is my individual passion to help those I care about!

We are brave passionate individuals and we need to step up and do something about the way our world is. Boycott products run by homophobic people, spread awareness posts, start protests in the streets, give speeches, run for office, ANYTHING OTHER THAN SITTING AROUND DOING NOTHING!!!

Sorry for the very long rant though I'm just very passionate about this kind of topic.

#ooc #asks #queer rights #queer passion #gay pride #rant #our world is crap we gotta do smth

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artistic-mathematics · 11 months

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my 2am analysis on Dwangela

okay I really don’t know why I decided to write a canon compliant Dwangela fic spanning the entire show like

I don’t even know how I’m gonna begin to write season 4′s stuff. like every time I even think about it I just want to vomit bc HIGHKEY if Dwight had just fed Sprinkles the medicine Angela told him to they probably would’ve gotten married in season 4 and all would’ve been fine but nope it took them eight whole seasons to even get engaged afterwards and then we got almost 0 content of them actually being in a healthy relationship again and it’s just like 3u5irefwngkjej54

this all stemmed from the fact that I genuinely think to this day, Dwangela is still misunderstood by the majority of the community. actually, Angela as a character is still misunderstood, which is crazy considering that this show ended over a decade ago and my first watch was like two months ago.

before anyone says anything YES, Angela was still a horrible person and I don’t really think I need to cite why, but I do think her motivations and eventual progression arc are just completely slept on (and also, season 9 finale Angela is a much, much better person than she was during the rest of the show).

I think the biggest thing I’ve seen from people is like “why did Angela end up with Dwight?” and they just tend to forget that Angela went through an entire character arc in literally just the last half of season 9. would it have been better if the show actually like shown more of it? absolutely. but it’s pretty obvious that Angela from S9E20: Paper Airplane is a completely different Angela from S9E22: A.A.R.M. is she still the greatest person? oh absolutely not, but I do think that her actions in this last half (starting from S9E16: Moving On) show enough growth and maturation that she deserved her own happy ending with Dwight.

(ALSO YES, IT’S A HAPPY ENDING. people who say that Angela is going to cheat on Dwight clearly misunderstood this entire plot line. I’ll get to that later.)

she hits rock bottom in S9E21: Livin’ the Dream and even then we can see a huge difference between this episode and S9E20. in the previous episode, she refused to accept help from Dwight (and by extension, Esther), but in this episode not only does she try to go out of her way to help Andy but she also accepts help from Oscar and actively reaches out for his hand, something that she’d deadass refused to do since season 3 when he was outed as gay. by accepting she needs help and then finally, FINALLY admitting out loud that she loves Dwight (something that she pretty much skirted around when possible, even back in seasons 4-5), she’s shown that she’s finally letting down the walls that she’d constructed for years and years. she’s finally letting herself be vulnerable, and that shit takes strength, especially from someone who’d spent so many years letting pride dictate her life and practically pretended to live a life that wasn’t hers just to save face.

(yes, she did it because she hit rock bottom. but then again, she literally didn’t even have to do that. she could’ve just kept digging a deeper hole for herself anyway, blaming Oscar and the state senator and still refusing to admit anything. would it have helped her? no lol, but at least she was able to analyze and recognize that her own actions were her downfall instead of continuing blaming others for her issues, which she had no problem doing throughout the show.)

another thing I’ve noticed is that people were like “she continued lying to Dwight about Phillip” and I’ma be real with you, I think that lie is the most ethical lie she told throughout the entire series.

let me explain.

actually, let Angela explain, because she outright explains this during Dwight’s proposal that she wanted him to marry her because it was her he wanted to marry. I don’t think this was selfish at all. sure, she probably should’ve told him -- lying about it is still shitty -- but what does she even gain from lying about it? she literally gains absolutely nothing here. she already admitted to Oscar (and by extension, herself) that she loves Dwight. if Dwight were to propose to her because of Phillip, there’s no world where she’d be unhappy in that relationship since she knows she loves Dwight.

but she doesn’t know if Dwight still loves her (yeah, they did make out like five episodes ago BUT remember he’s in a committed relationship now) -- and she was literally just in a loveless marriage. she was also in a loveless engagement, with Andy (and oh my god I might make a post about this at some point but I HAVE SO MANY GRIPES OVER THIS ENGAGEMENT. not at the writers, but just like how did this even??? like?????).

in S9E21, she makes it very clear that she’s accepted that Dwight and Esther are a thing. S9E22 happens some time afterwards (around a month or so according to Dunderpedia) and it’s probably long enough for Angela to realize that it’s genuinely serious, and I mean. just look at Dwight in that episode. he looks so happy.

when Dwight calls Angela into his office to propose that business marriage, I think all of these things came to her mind -- and let’s be honest, the last time they tried to make some business out of something that clearly should be romantic (cough cough sex contract cough cough) it, uh, didn’t go well. and so she lies. she tells him that Phillip isn’t his son, and that lie was enough. it sent his emotions into turmoil, enough so that he ends up calling Jim in and talking to him about it makes him snap to his senses -- that he still loves Angela, and now that Angela is actually available again he needs to go for it.

and of course Angela accepts. you can see her anger from Dwight almost running her off the road completely ebb away when Dwight yells “I love you!” she pauses and processes.

oh also for the people who think that marriage is terrible and that Angela is just gonna cheat on Dwight? the entire point of Dwangela was that Angela couldn’t commit to any of her other romantic relationships because she still loved Dwight. from seasons 2 through 9 she was still very much in love with Dwight, and only cheated on people with Dwight.

also I don’t think Dwight ever stopped loving Angela, either. I mean like, he seemed to really like Isabel and went through an entire talking head where he compared Isabel and Angela to each other but as Jim said to Dwight in S9E21, “you just have to forget about all the logic and fear and doubt” -- and the thing is, I don’t think love ever made sense to Dwight after he broke up with Angela in season 5. it also makes sense as to why Dwight broke up with Isabel so brutally as a result, treating her like absolute garbage the day of Pam and Jim’s wedding.

also I think people forget that like, Dwight was very in on the cheating??? Angela knew she was engaged to Andy in season 5 and knew she was engaged (and eventually married) to the state senator in season 8, like he obviously was a part of this too lmao? and there was a whole episode where people shat on Michael for dating a woman who had a husband and how he was a horrible person LIKE. he knew she was in a relationship and still chose to do what he did. I’m not saying that it’s his fault entirely bc it’s still like 95% Angela’s fault but Dwight buddy, come on, idk what you expected

anyway I go sleep now I just had to get this out before I passed out lol

#angela martin #dwight schrute #dwangela #the office

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20dollarlolita · 1 year

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There's a lot of cool stories about athletes who were severely injured and told that they'd have limited mobility for the rest of their lives, but went on to participate in difficult sports and be very active.

I find those very inspirational. I find them inspirational in the traditional sense of watching someone fight against incomprehensible odds and accomplish things they never thought were possible. But on a much more selfish level, I find them inspirational because it tells me something about myself.

Amanda Sullivan was told she'd never walk again, and through a great deal of work, eventually started running in Spartan races, and is now the first female amputee fire fighter. And I'm amazed at her story, but her story also taught me something about myself.

I don't run marathons because I don't want to. I'm generally more-or-less physically fit enough that I could probably train to run a marathon, but I don't do it, because I don't want to. I'm just not interested in it.

And realizing this about myself solved a lot of problems about the way I see myself. Yes, there's been months when I couldn't train for a marathon due to an injury. There's been times when I've been dealing with personal image issues that would not have allowed me to train safely and without damaging my body. But I'm almost 31 and that marks 14 years where I've been a legal adult in charge of my life and what I want to do. And in none of that time have I wanted to run a marathon. There's been a lot of small things that would have made this difficult, but every time I looked at those things, they felt like kind of weak excuses. I often had access to resources to make running a marathon happen, and I never used them. I just didn't want to run a marathon.

Figuring this out really mattered to me. I don't need to look at the other problems anymore, and I don't need to feel guilt about the fact that I've never tried to run a marathon. "I didn't want to run a marathon" is a complete thought. I've had enough time to try it, and if I failed, I've had enough time to try it again. There's a bunch of times that the time has been right, but I didn't take the steps to try it. There's a bunch of times when it would have been a bit of a risk, and I had elected to not risk it, because being safe with what I knew was a priority and trying this new thing was not a priority,

And, regardless of every small problem that is out there, the overall umbrella of, "I didn't do it, because I had other priorities. I didn't really want to do it, didn't really have the drive to accomplish this, and so I never made it happen," is actually an answer that covers every single other reason why I never did it. And I don't need to be upset with myself for that. I don't need to judge myself for not wanting to do this. But what it did do was cut through the crap, and let me realize that I don't need to make excuses for myself on this one. Sometimes, it's as simple as, "I didn't do it, because it wasn't important enough for me to accomplish it."

Anyway, this isn't a post about marathons. This is a post about brands that have been around for 20 years and still don't offer plus sizes.

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volterran-wine · 2 years

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It’s me again. I’m literally so completely invested in this world you have created. Love it. ❤️❤️❤️❤️

So anyway, I probably know your answer but my heart aches so much. How different do you think the Volturi would have been if Aro didn’t kill Didyme? I think it was one of your posts that mentioned if Aro had let her leave, they would’ve been gone a couple of centuries, and would’ve eventually returned. If not, I apologize.

Didyme just wanted to experience the world with Marcus, then come back. Couldn’t the queens step in to help during Marcus’s absence?

• — 𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐕𝐨𝐥𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐢 & 𝐃𝐢𝐝𝐲𝐦𝐞'𝐬 𝐒𝐮𝐫𝐯𝐢𝐯𝐚𝐥

Ah, this is an age of question indeed; because I do believe things would be quite different. The post our friend here is referencing is this one, in which I theorise about what would have happened if Didyme did not die.

Here are some of the biggest changes in Bullet list format;

Marcus and Didyme would travel the world for three hundred years or so, still making sure to check in with Volturi guards out and about in the world to make sure everyone in Volterra knew they were safe. However, after having seen most of it both Marcus and Didyme are restless for a place to call home. Didyme also misses her brother whom she is told is still struggling with his gift to some extent. Marcus also knows that a war is on the horizon. They return in 385 AD, two years before The Volturi-Romanian war commences.

Aro relents and lets Didyme go, he does find her decision to be quite selfish in nature after all that he has sacrificed for her; but he pulls through. His gift never quite grows as malignant as it does in ‘canon’, it still haunts him everyday of his life but he is able to cope with it. By the time Didyme and Marcus returns he has a grasp on it and he is happy to have his dearest sister with him again. Through the war their relationship mends and they are able to reconcile their differences with time.

Caius never becomes as restless and stays in the palazzo instead of seeking out danger due to his own guilt. Corin is never turned for Caius does not go on that mission to gaul, she dies in 2 AD instead. The king never encounters a werewolf by himself either, his obsession with them never manifests. Instead he encounters them one thousand years later and is much more levelheaded when he begins to handle the situation.

Marcus returns to Volterra just as fierce as the day he left, but he has grown warmer and does not take on the disposition we see in ‘canon’. He leads The Volturi to victory alongside Caius and Athenodora during The Volturi-Romanian war. In the aftermath he is known as the just and merciful king of Volterra, advocating for what is right and taking a more active role in the ruling of The Vampiric race.

With the power balance being equal between all Royal couples, both Athenodora, Sulpicia and Didyme take up more active roles as rulers and there is no secret about it. All four royals are usually present at court, showing a united front against any criminal or visitor.

#Volturi Questionnaire #Marcus Volturi #Didyme Volturi #Aro Volturi #Caius Volturi #Sulpicia Volturi #Athenodora Volturi

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vizthedatum · 2 months

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CW: vent post that includes mention of abuse and suicidal ideation (I’m having flashbacks and nightmares)

—

I can’t sleep. The more I’m safer and the more I actually realize how much better off I am, the more my brain comes online. Which means, I can access my memories and feel them.

I’m feeling all of it lately.

My period came in earlier today, and I also had therapy.

I am full on sobbing now… again.

In the fall/winter of 2022, I was teetering between giving up everything and trying to survive.

I’m sobbing because (and some of my close friends, my last three therapists, and my psychiatrist know this) if I hadn’t left my ex-spouse when I did (reluctantly and with the help of my friends), I would have absolutely killed myself.

I thought my life was over. I tried my best, this was the best it was ever going to get, and I was going to alienate all my friends, the people I was in love with, my family, and everyone else… to try to be with them and then eventually end it all.

Sometimes I felt like that’s what they wanted.

I remember the last week I was with them - they yelled and said so many hateful things to me, almost drove me out our home by inching me towards the door… after they were done, I retreated upstairs to the bathroom while they called their mom to complain about me. They were worried I was going to abuse my medication and wanted to take it away. Their mom told me they couldn’t take away my medication.

I mean, yeah, the level of psychosis and control and insecurity has gotten out of control. I felt so unsafe all the time. I was in a complete state of dysregulation myself - pleasure seeking and holding down my emotions while trying to figure out my next steps.

My whole body had a reaction. I was in autoimmune shock most of the time.

I couldn’t function when I was with them without self-medicating and being on so many psychiatric medications.

I loved them.

I felt so selfish wanting to end it all. I had another partner!!! I loved so many other people. How could I leave when I had begged my brother for the past decade to not kill himself?! How could I dare??

They wanted me to isolate for 30 days when I was last with them. They didn’t see me as a person at that point - they hurled contradictory statements.

I tried to be considerate of their mental health but they were painting me out to be the one who needed help and intervention… when I was having a reaction to them.

I loved them with all that I had.

And I loved other people who were letting me just be me - and a part of me resented that.

I hated who I was because it felt like my very being was the thing my ex-spouse couldn’t stand.

—

I’m crying less now. After writing all that.

I don’t hate myself now, and while life is still hard… it’s not like that. I don’t have someone actively hating and demeaning me.

And I have left so many old friends and flames who even hinted at disrespecting me.

I’ve been protecting myself. Hard.

It’s just that… I’m safe now and I don’t need to protect myself that hard anymore.

I’m letting go and integrating all at the same time. It’s painful because I realize how bad it was but how good it is now and how good it can be.

But I’m still heartbroken - I always will be. I’m heartbroken because I was so close to ending it all after all that I had survived (worse things than that relationship). I’m heartbroken because I’d have left and not told the person I loved that I loved them (and I guess I never did anyway because I was immature and knew it would end our friendship).

I’m heartbroken because I lost that person… my best friend, the supposed love of my life, and spouse… to save myself.

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chaoticrokiroki · 1 year

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back to our regularly scheduled rarepair

jirou's the one to ask todoroki out - multiple times with no success. he just doesn't get it and she's not bold enough to say the word "date" outright. so they end up having four different outings, and shouto not only invites the rest of the class but also thanks her for organising such a fun class activity -

she'd wanted to hold his hand while watching a movie and sharing popcorn like in those cheesy romcoms. (the entire class came with)

he'd mentioned that he hadn't really listened to music at all before so maybe. she could've helped him pick out something he'd like? maybe she could've bought him some CDs or just. showed him the options and then have hot chocolate together!! alone!! (kaminari, ashido and bakugou came with. ashido and bakugou understood what happened immediately and she was mortified)

having lunch together should be fine shouldn't it?? not too difficult to get, just walking together to a cozy diner near UA and finally get a chance to be Alone. (midoriya and iida, of course, always have lunch with him so. why not invite them too?)

momo and asui put together a picnic basket for them to enjoy (he saw them walking away and asked them to stay.)

so she's. understandably discouraged and kind of heartbroken in that weird "this could've been hurtful enough to make me sob if id gotten the chance to have it." way.

the fifth try is a last ditch effort - because kyouka might be shy and hurt and not all that confident behind the 'tough girl' act but. she's still a hero, isn't she? and if she can't do this, if she can't let herself have this, how is she supposed to be a good hero? how is she supposed to fight villains and have people trust her to save them for the rest of her life if she can't raise her voice to ask for a stupid date?

more than that - being a hero is hard. it shuts doors to a normal life, to those normal everyday occurrences that make up everyone else's lives. if high school is the only chance to be selfish, to take instead of giving herself to everyone all the time, then how can she let that chance pass her by?

it's not romantic. not in the least (though shouto will argue that seeing kyouka flustered and angry and demanding a proper date at his doorstep was the peak of all romance and changed his life for the better). she just knocks with more strength than strictly necessary and waits until the door is barely cracked open before blurting it out. all of it. she's frustrated and embarrassed and also kind of pissed that bakugou's studying in shouto's room and listening in to her awful confession - "i want to go on a date with you. i actually meant for all of those outings to be dates and you invited other people and i almost gave up but. i want to try and go on a real date with you so badly. and id never thought of you that way before but momo wouldn't stop gushing about her wonderful friend todoroki and when you started tagging along to our mall trips and stopping by to have lunch it was just all replaying in my head and momo told me to go for it so i did - i am going for it and i want to go on a date with you, possibly tonight so i dont lose whatever dumb courage made me do this."

she's never felt more like midoriya and she's pretty sure bakugou's going to actually die from laughing too much but. shouto looks at her and says yes - is just as embarassed as she is, blushing lightly, but his eyes are bright and he's looking at her. - says "yes. id like that. can we go watch something again? i saw that in a movie once."

their first date isn't watching a movie and sharing popcorn in a dark cinema. it's too late to ask permission to leave UA for that. but they do sit close on the floor of her dorm room, closing the curtains and watching movies in dim light. the air is sweet and filled with anxious yearning and there's no popcorn to share but their hands are sweaty where they've clasped them together and they're not letting go.

#bnha #mha #shouto todoroki #todojirou #tidojiro #kyoka jirou #kyoka jirou/todoroki shouto #theyre in love in my head #jirou kyouka #this is an actual mess #but ive got so many feelings for Them #rarepair #bnha rarepair #mha rarepair

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e-dubbc11 · 2 years

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All of You

Pairing: Matt Murdock X F!reader

Warnings: Swearing, angst, a lot of angst, Matt being dumb and trying to apologize for it, and Foggy being a great friend to him, oh and lot of crying, a lot of crying, and Defenders spoilers

Word Count: 4,527-ish (I didn’t mean for it to be this long)

Summary: Takes place after the Defenders series and into season 3 of Daredevil and briefly mentions some events of season 2 of DD. Reader and Matt’s relationship survived Elektra’s return in season 2 and until Matt’s “death” at the end of the Defenders. She tries to move on with her life but when she hears rumors of the masked vigilante defending Hell’s Kitchen again she wonders if Matt could be alive.

A/N: So yes this takes place at the end of the Defenders and into season 3 of DD, however I did change the fact that Matt and Elektra kiss as the building comes down because, well, it’s my fic and I can do what I want, right? lol! And I apologize if this is a little extra with all the tears but it’s just what I was feeling. As always thank you thank you for reading, I really appreciate it!!

Watching the news, you heard the name Midland Circle. Why did that sound so familiar to you? You remember now, it’s where Matt said he was going tonight to try and save her…HER. He kept trying to tell you that’s she’s still in there, that she recognized him, and that he could get through to her. You weren’t going to try and stop him, not that you could anyway but that’s not who you are. Maybe you were a little too understanding but perhaps that’s why he loved you so much so you told him “Go…if you think you can save her, go. I’ll be here when you get back.”

Your relationship with Matt has survived a lot prior to Elektra becoming the Black Sky. After a battle with the Hand, finding her in the bed the two of you spent most nights in was quite the shock. She had been severely wounded, and could have died if Stick and Matt hadn’t saved her. He told you that you should leave, that you shouldn’t have to watch this. That was an interesting day to say the least, but again you wanted to be there for him. That one was a little tougher on your heart though, watching him pray next to her.

You wondered, does he still love her? Would he leave you for her? He did his best to explain what he was doing working with her and explained their past and that’s exactly what she was to him, his past. And always made sure to tell you that he was in love with YOU and wanted to be with YOU. Although at this point in your relationship, with all of this happening, you were more than a little worried.

Her name just kept playing over and over in your head….Elektra. You shouldn’t be jealous, why should you be? You know how Matt feels about you but something about Elektra made you feel like you might lose him, and it just didn’t sit right with you. After she died protecting him, you were grateful to her but also relieved at the same time. You felt completely selfish for thinking that but Matt was everything to you. You accepted him for everything he is. You’ve been the one to patch him up after his nightly activities, you’ve been there day after day just being what he needed, what he desired and him being the same for you.

He’s so in love with you and you’ve never been more in love with anyone than you are with Matt but you still felt guilty, guilty because he mourned her and loved her but you were relieved that she was gone and the two of you could get on with your lives together, which you did until she came back. You did until that fateful night at Midland Circle.

Pacing back and forth, you felt the ground shake as you turned to face the tv, you stopped and stood there horrified as the building started to come down. Your heart sank at first but you thought, he got out, he must have gotten out, he had to have gotten out. Hours had passed when your phone finally rang, the screen said “Foggy” so you picked up and that’s when he told you Matt didn’t make it back to the station.

“Wha….what do you mean he didn’t make it back to the police station, Foggy? May- maybe he found another way out and he just hasn’t come back yet.”

“Y/n…everyone made it back except for Matt. They said there was no other way out.”

Foggy’s voice was cracking, he was trying very hard to keep from breaking down but he sounded like he was going to lose it any second now. The phone dropped from your hand and you began to sob uncontrollably and you felt like you couldn’t breathe. All you could make out between sobs was him saying “I’ll be right there, stay there, we’re coming!!”

After the shock wore off, then came the despair. They didn’t find Matt’s body, was it possible that he did make it out? Is that why the three of you couldn’t bring yourselves to have a funeral for him? One word just kept going through your mind…maybe.

Trying to move on with your life in the months following the collapse of the building was difficult, and that’s putting it mildly. Even though you had your own apartment, before you lost him, you spent most of your time at Matt’s apartment. You even had a hard time being at your own place because every little thing reminded you of him and forget about setting foot inside his place without breaking down in sobs so you just stayed away. You found out Karen had been paying his rent and keeping the place up. She said she can’t accept that he’s gone either and she had been hearing whispers about the masked vigilante patrolling the streets again.

You told her that it was probably just a copycat and that it’s nothing. That was until one night you were walking home very late and three men sitting on a stoop started cat calling, nothing you hadn’t heard before until you heard them get up and start to follow you. They were getting closer and closer when one of them grabbed you by the jacket, put his hand over your mouth and said “this will go better for you if you don’t scream.” That’s when you were thrown to the ground and hit your head on the sidewalk and the last thing you remember seeing was a figure in black before everything went dark.

When you finally came to, you realized you were back at your apartment, most of the lights were off and you had the worst headache. Who brought you back to your place and how did they know where you live? There was a glass of water and two aspirin on your nightstand. One word…maybe.

Bolting upright in bed, you called out for him. “Matt?”

A voice comes from the corner of your bedroom “Hi sweetheart.”

You’re trying to adjust your vision to the darkness but you realize you’re still a little dizzy from the hit to the head you took. He walks over to the bed before you can get up “hey no, no, no, don’t get up, you hit your head pretty hard. You might have a slight concussion. Are you alright?”

Still a little fuzzy, you try to focus and your eyes finally adjust to the room and there he is, right next to you. He then hands you the aspirin and water, “take these, they’ll help, please?”

The last thing you wanted was aspirin but you did what he asked and afterwards you set the glass of water on the nightstand, cupped his face and said “Matty, can you just HOLD me please?!!!”

He wraps his arms around you, he smells like salt, blood, and black top, you start to cry. “H-how? You’ve been alive this whole time?!! H-how could you just stay away like that?! How could you do that to me? To Foggy? To Karen? To anyone who cared about you?!!! WHY!!? We thought you were dead!!”

He pressed his lips together and hung his head before he spoke again.

“Ok if you keep yelling, your head is gonna hurt more so can you calm down for me, please? I stayed away because I thought I was protecting you and because a part of me died that night at Midland Circle. I just thought it would be easier if everyone thought I was dead.”

“I did my recuperating at the church orphanage where I grew up and when I got better, I realized that I still need to finish this thing with Fisk. And…and I also realized that we…we can’t be together. I need for you to be safe and the best way to make that happen is for us to be apart. If Fisk ever found out who I am, he’d come after you and I can’t have that.”

That phrase gutted you and you felt like you had been punched right in the stomach. It felt worse than when you thought Matt was dead. “But I…I love you, Matty. We…we belong together, why are you doing this to me?”

Now you were getting angry and you started to feel warm, more like your skin was on fire because you were so mad. That’s when you snapped.

“It’s easier huh? Easier for who, Matt?!! And spare me the whole ‘I-don’t-deserve-it’ and ‘I’m-doing-this-to-keep-you-safe’ bullshit, please! I’m in love with ALL OF YOU!! I’m the one that stitched you up anytime you needed it, I’m the one who was SO understanding when I came back to find Elektra in the bed we fucked in the previous night, I’M the one who told you to go since you thought you could save her and that I would be here when you got back! No questions asked! ME!! It was ME!!”

You weren’t even sure you were even making any sense at this point but you felt like you needed to let out how hurt you were.

“And you’re telling me what? Do you not love me anymore? Do NOT tell me again that it’s for my safety because I know that is bullshit. Is it because you lost Elektra AGAIN that you think you’re not worth loving? OR is she alive too and you rode off into the sunset together?! Is that it?!!”

Even though you couldn’t see his face clearly, you knew he had tears in his eyes because he wiped them away but you didn’t care if you upset him. He was breaking your heart into a million pieces right now without even a second thought.

“Please just leave, Matthew…Leave, NOW!”

“Sweetheart, please, I—“

“GO!!!!!”

Without another word, he walked over to the window, opened it and left your apartment. You had a hard time recovering from that night, the chest pains you felt were excruciating like your heart was actually breaking apart and the next morning your eyes were so puffy, you could barely see. You didn’t leave your apartment for days.

What he didn’t tell you the night he rescued you was every night after his recovery, he would come to your apartment and just listen to you. He heard every time you had cried over him, he heard you praying even though that wasn’t really your thing, asking for signs that maybe he was still alive. In those months, he even heard you bring a date up to your apartment, it didn’t work out. He heard you tell your date that you weren’t feeling well, and you were going to call it a night. Matt knew that wasn’t true, he heard your pulse, it was completely erratic. After your date left, he heard you say “I tried, Matty…I tried to go out on a date tonight. He just wasn’t you.” His heart ached for you…he never stopped loving you. Still, he had to put that aside, his city needed his protection.

The night after he left your apartment, Matt fully threw himself into taking down Fisk, once and for all. Foggy and Karen were there to help him and even when Fisk found out who Daredevil actually was, you were safe because he had walked away from you. Since he fully committed to taking down Fisk, his protection detail at your apartment had fallen off until Fisk was finally back behind bars where he belonged. He spent some nights back at the church after Father Lantom’s passing, trying to figure out what to do next. Sister Maggie had some choice words for him also.

Amidst all the chaos surrounding Fisk, Matt realized he hadn’t been to check on you in a while. Later on that night, dressed all in black, Matt went to your apartment but he sensed something was off. He went in through the window and started walking around….it was empty. In that instance, all his feelings, all his emotions, all his love for you came flooding back to him with a force that nearly knocked him over. He remembered all the times you stitched him up, tended to his wounds, told him “I love you…”, made him laugh, read out loud to him, and every time the two of you woke up tangled up in each other’s limbs because neither one of you could bear to let the other one go. He knew you accepted him, all of him and he wanted you back, he needed you back, but would you take him back?

Once he realized you were gone, he needed to talk to Foggy. Matt showed up to the office the next day looking a little disheveled, tired and inconsolable. He barely got through the door before he called out for Foggy.

“Foggy!! Foggy, do you know where she is?!!”

Confused, Foggy asked “Who? Matt slow down, do I know where who is?”

“Y/n! Do you know where y/n is?!! Has she talked to you or, or called you at all?! Her apartment is empty, she’s not there”

“No she hasn’t but I don’t blame her.”

“Foggy, I really don’t need a lecture right now. I need to find her.” Matt’s pulling on his tie and pressing his lips together.

“Well I’m sorry you don’t want a lecture right now Matt, but too bad! Did you ever stop and think about why she left? Or think about how EVERYTHING around this city reminds her of YOU?! The restaurant near your apartment where you had your first date, or outside her apartment where you kissed her for the first time, the little diner where you took her for breakfast, among others. All of those places remind her of YOU!”

Foggy wasn’t finished yet.

“You ditched her for Elektra more than once, yet she was still there because she knew you loved her. And you weren’t there, Matt…you weren’t there to pick up the pieces of her heart when we thought you were dead and then we had to do it again after you left her.”

With tears in his eyes, Matt took in everything Foggy had to say and then completely broke down as Foggy continued to talk.

“Y/n, she didn’t want to leave but you left her no choice. And…I guess you were too stressed out to realize I was lying just now when I said I hadn’t heard from her. She did call to say goodbye.”

Matt finally spoke again.

“Wait, you HAVE talked to her? Did she say where she was? I need her back, Foggy.” His voice cracked and he fell to his knees. “I love her…I love…her.”

Foggy crouched to be eye level again with Matt. “No, she didn’t say where she is…but we’ll find her, buddy. Ok? We’ll find her.”

During the next few days Foggy was constantly on the phone with Detective Mahoney. Foggy called in that favor Mahoney owed him and found out where you were staying, he also found out most of your stuff was in a storage unit in NYC and when he called your employer, they told him you were on an extra-long vacation. The GPS on your phone said Mystic, Connecticut. Matt then remembered that you said your parents live there but they also have a condo in Florida where they go a lot of the time also, especially in the colder months.

Foggy was ready for the trip, he had packed up the car, and the snacks he got for the ride was like you turned a 9 year old loose in the grocery store, nothing but junk food but regardless of his food choices, Foggy was a great friend. Before they got in the car, he asked Matt…

“You ready to go, buddy?”

“What if she won’t talk to me, Fog?”

“At least you’ll know orrrrrr……you can fight for what you want, your choice. And if not, I hear Mystic is beautiful, we can go to the aquarium.”

“And just how am I supposed to see anything at the aquarium, hmmm?” Matt chuckled.

“That I don’t know but we can figure something out…hey I got it, I’ll bring you to the kiddie touch tank.”

“Thank you, Foggy….for everything.”

The car ride was about two hours, Matt had never really been away from Hell’s Kitchen before. During the time in the car, several songs came on that reminded Matt of you. He knew Tennessee Whiskey was one of your favorite songs and it was the first song the two of you danced to at Josie’s and the night he realized he was in love with you. The day after that date he had listened to the song on repeat for a good part of the day, he swears he could still smell your perfume on him. Now, he was trying to figure out what to say when he sees you.

Following the GPS, Foggy finally stopped the car in front of a small ranch house with a fence around the yard. The sun had set and there were a couple lights on inside the house, for the most part it seemed rather quiet when Foggy asks:

“You ready, Matt? I can go knock on the door first if you want.”

“Would you? I’m nervous. I can tell she’s in there, I know her heartbeat anywhere.”

Foggy gets out of the car, walks up to the front door and knocks. You open the door, see that it’s Foggy and say with a sly smile: “Damn, I thought it was my pizza. What are you doing here Foggy? And that better not be who I think it is in that car, I know he can hear me too.”

“Y/n, look I drove him all the way here because he really wants to talk to you and if you just—“

You hadn’t noticed Matt got out of the car and walked up behind Foggy.

“I can speak for myself, buddy…I appreciate it. Hey, sweetheart.”

“Don’t you DARE ‘sweetheart’ me, Murdock!”

Foggy is standing there, smirking: “Damn, Matt I forgot how feisty she is, give him hell y/n! I’ll be in the car, driving around town, so call me when she’s done yelling at you.”

Foggy got in the car, drove away and left you and Matt standing outside on the steps, damn him for looking so sexy in his jeans and button down shirt.

“No one else is home?”

“Well you would know, you would be able to hear their heartbeats if they were, right? My parents are in Florida for a while, they asked me to take care of the house. It’s a little weird sleeping in my old room again. What the hell do you want, Matthew?”

“Can we go inside?”

You opened the door a little wider and led him inside to the living room, it has a big picture window that you always did love sitting by in the evening hours.

“There’s a chair right next to you or we can sit on the couch.”

He asked to sit on the couch but you made sure you were on opposite sides however you did bring one leg up onto the couch and turned your body towards him.

“Now what do you want to say to me, Matthew? Also, how did you find me?”

“The GPS on your phone.”

“Ummmm, that sounds SO illegal.”

“Mahoney owed Foggy a favor.”

“Ok well whatever, you guys stalked me…I’ll make a note of that, you may continue.” Your voice is dripping with sass.

“Sweetheart, I—“

“What did I tell you about that?” Again with the sass.

Now you’re getting him flustered, he starts to adjust his shirt sleeves and licking his lips.

“Look…after my recovery, I started going back out into Hell’s Kitchen and hearing rumors about Fisk corrupting members of the FBI. Every night after I was done patrolling, I would stop by your apartment, on the roof, or outside the window. I’d listen to you for a while…I’d listen to you cry over me, I’d listen to you pray, I’d listen to you sleep and I even heard you bring that date home only for you to kick him out an hour later.”

Resting your hand under your chin and raising your eyebrows, you said…

“Oh…you heard that? I’m guessing you heard what I said after he left then. I…I tried, Matt. I tried to move on with my life but when you’ve had exactly what you’ve ever wanted,” you paused “it’s hard to settle for anything less than…well, you. And the night you saved me from those guys, I thought the pieces were finally going to be put together again…then…”

Tears formed in your eyes as you tried to get out what else you wanted to say.

“Then you left…you left me there alone with my heart shattered, I was completely broken. Why? I thought we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. And you can’t convince me it was all Fisk because I know it’s not. So let’s hear it, tell me why. Was it her? Was it Elektra?”

Saying her name finally caused your tears to fall from your eyes and you could tell that he had tears in his eyes. Matt knew sometimes you didn’t cry because you were sad, you cried because you were angry.

“Danny told me what you said to him down there before they all left…you just made up your mind to die down there without even a thought about me or anyone else that cares about you? You didn’t even want to try!? Do you think you’re that unworthy of love!? Tell me, please!”

Matt took his glasses off to wipe the tears from his eyes and set them on the coffee table in front of him.

“I accepted that I was going to die down there, and my last thoughts were of you, your voice, your laugh, your scent, and your sass. And then I started thinking of parts of you I’d never get to touch again like your lips, that sweet spot on your neck that you love, and little things like that scar you got as a child on your ankle from your bike pedal, the other scar on your finger from where the metal door cut you when you were four which is why your nail grows crooked on your right hand, the raised stork bites on the back of your neck that I kissed every morning and every night before we went to sleep, and just…you. ALL of my thoughts were of you, not Elektra, YOU.”

“You say your last thoughts were of me, but you stayed there for her, Matt!!”

You finally reached for a tissue, the mascara had to be all over your face by now.

“Because I thought I could get through to her that she isn’t who they want her to be but that’s not what she wanted. While we were down there, she told me ‘we’re together now, it’s everything I’ve wanted since I first laid eyes on you.’ I told her that might have been true for me at one point, but y/n is who I’m in love with, she is my heart and she is going to be my last thought on this earth when this building comes down on top of us.”

He paused for a minute and the tears continued to fall from your eyes, your breathing became hyper.

“And when I finally came to and realized that I wasn’t dead, then came the guilt. I felt guilty for leaving you to try and save her, I felt guilty for not leaving her down there to come back to you, and I felt guilty for not coming back after recovering from my injuries.”

It was your turn to come clean.

“You’re not the only one who felt guilty, Matthew! I felt guilty because I was relieved when Elektra died the first time, I’m not proud of it and I’m a terrible person for thinking that way.”

Matt interjected. “No, no you’re not a terrible person, you’re not.”

“And yes, I was grateful to her for sacrificing herself to save you but relieved because…because I thought I wouldn’t be able to lose you to her if she’s gone…but she came back and I lost you anyway, didn’t I.”

Matt shook his head profusely and he was fidgeting a little bit, he always seemed to do that when he was scared. This strong, fearless man that dressed up like the night and fought the scum of Hell’s Kitchen every single night, was actually terrified of losing you forever. Your expression started to soften from the anger and hurt you were feeling and you knew, you knew that he never wanted anyone else, just you.

“When the whole thing with Fisk was done, I went back to your apartment, something was different and I didn’t hear you inside. I opened the window, went inside and realized it was empty. I completely collapsed into myself and everything came crashing back on me…I need you, I love you, and I do not want to live another day without you. I really don’t expect you to forgive me, what I did to you was unforgivable but I will do whatever it takes, if you could just—“

Cutting him off and with tears streaming down your face, you moved across the couch and fell right into his chest, he wrapped his arms around you and buried his face into your shoulder as he fell backwards against the arm of the couch. The two of you just melting into one another after so much time apart, it’s like you were made for him because you fit so perfectly against him.

“Matty…” You cooed while rubbing his chest. “Did you practice that speech?” You were back to the sass.

“No…” He laughs a little.

“Was that the end of it because you may need to do a little more groveling, counselor?” You said with a slight smile. He laughed again. “I love you, Matthew.” He loved the tone of that “Matthew” as opposed to the previous ones.

Kissing your forehead and still holding on to you, he sits up and sprinkles kisses all over your face before finding your lips. Matt’s lips were a dream and the way you felt kissing him again, it didn’t have to be just a memory anymore, it was real…he was real. He was yours.

“I love you too sweet--” He smiled. “Can I call you sweetheart again?”

“I’ll think about it but in the meantime, you want to see my bedroom? My parents are out of town.” You say with a little bit of a giggle.

“You know I do….but what about Foggy?”

“Ooh shit, I forgot about Foggy! That was so sweet of him to drive you all the way here…”

Biting your bottom lip while looking Matt up and down, and raking your fingers through his soft hair, you bring him in close for a slow, deep kiss.

“Well, we can take him to the aquarium tomorrow to make it up to him. You’re mine tonight, Murdock.”

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