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cjrae · 9 days
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Rank And Responsibility. Or: The Hairpin Scene from Jinshi's POV.
Be warned now about the consequences of choosing to do an English Lit degree - you end up doing lit crit for fun. With that in mind, let's break down the hairpin scene at the end of Covert Operations (Episode 5). Mild spoilers for Jinshi's arc are below.
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While this moment does kick off the romantic subplot, with all the implications that giving Maomao the hairpin out of his own hair has, I would argue that this is not the moment Jinshi realizes he's in love with Maomao. Instead, from his point of view, this scene demonstrates how Jinshi handles failure.
Holding Power In An Open Palm
This is still very early in the story. Our first hint to Jinshi's true rank does come in this scene, but for now we know him as the manager of the Rear Palace. For the three thousand people who live and work there, for all intents and purposes, Jinshi is the highest authority they will encounter. He literally has the power of life and death over them, either directly in the case of the servants and eunuchs, or in the case of the consorts, his word to the Emperor directly can serve the same purpose. We also see Jinshi use this power early on - he's not just there to keep order, but also to test the consorts' loyalties and virtue. We never see what happens to the lower-ranked consort who attempted to invite Jinshi back to her room, but at the very least that report ensures that her already small chance of the Emperor choosing her as a potential mother of the nation is utterly cut off - and if she doesn't bear children, she will be discarded.
We also know that Jinshi will not hesitate to order corporal punishment if he views it necessary - for example, when Maomao discovers that the toxic face powder is still being used by Consort Lihua's ladies in waiting, she mentions in the aftermath that the eunuch who failed to recover the powder was flogged, while the lady in waiting who hid the powder is put in solitary confinement. These are brutal punishments - and if we consider the historical inspirations, these are also very restrained consequences. For hiding an item that caused the death of the prince (unfortunately, the more valuable child) and has put the life of one of the Emperor's favored High Consorts in danger, Jinshi would be utterly within his rights to order executions. If ignorance is a sin, ignorance in the face of knowledge is a greater one.
Microcosm of Li
For all that Jinshi holds his power lightly, he also takes the responsibility that power bestows upon him quite seriously. It's worth noting that Jinshi takes over governing the Rear Palace shortly after Maomao's service contract is purchased. (Remember, Xiaolan talks about the "beautiful, new eunuch that's been posted to the central courtyard," which tells us that Jinshi has not been in the Rear Palace long enough to become a fixture - he's an object of speculation and admiration from episode 1).
In context it's clear that, with the birth of two Imperial children, his job is to ensure the survival of the Imperial line and investigate why children of the Emperor are dying consistently in one of the wealthiest and safest places in the entire empire. We're shown him running in between Lady Lihua and Lady Gyokuyou to ensure that their very sick children are being seen to properly, investigating what could be causing it, while also managing tensions as rumors about the Emperor's children being cursed begin to spread and outright accusations of sorcery are being thrown between consorts. While the audience might immediately scoff along with Maomao at the idea of one consort cursing another, if Maomao hadn't found the cause of death, those types of accusations followed by Lady Lihua's and Princess Lingli's inevitable deaths could have ended with Lady Gyokuyou's execution.
The Rear Palace is a reflection of the nation as a whole. No Imperial heirs plus the deaths of two High Consorts with various foreign and domestic political ties had the potential to thrust the entire nation into chaos. Jinshi's choices have very real consequences, so when Maomao discovers what the true cause of death is and sends her warning, Jinshi looks at Maomao and doesn't see a person. He sees a "perfect pawn." A tool, one with talents that have ensured that at least one Imperial child has survived and providing a rational explanation why these children have died so that it can be prevented from happening again - and a skill set that can be turned to preventing any more shenanigans in the Rear Palace that could threaten the empire's foundation.
And, as Gaoshun points out, in the beginning of the hairpin scene, she is a toy. Maomao amuses Jinshi up until this point.
For all that Jinshi is shown wielding power with a light hand and a responsible mindset, it literally doesn't occur to him that the people working in the rear palace have stories - some tragic - about how they came to be there. They are resources to be used as befits the Emperor's (and therefore the nation's) need.
Hidden Beauty
When Maomao turns around and Jinshi doesn't recognize her until she speaks, he's shocked. He thought he knew exactly who and what this girl was - ugly and unremarkable, except for her intellectual brilliance and the challenge in managing her by other means than empty compliments and smiles. He attempts to recover and assumes that she is enhancing her looks - and is shocked again when he realizes that the face Maomao has presented to him so far is a protective mask against attracting attention. In a world where beauty is both a currency and a tool that others covet, Jinshi doesn't understand why Maomao would deliberately devalue herself like that. So she tells him.
This is the moment Maomao becomes a person to Jinshi.
Not a toy, not a pawn. Someone who has been ripped from her home and her life illegally and sold off. It's in this moment that Jinshi is forced to confront the ugly side of the society he lives in, people who would rape Maomao out of pure convenience or just take a "borderline marketable" girl off the street in order to get extra drinking money.
Worse, Jinshi is complicit in Maomao's captivity. The Rear Palace has bought her contract - and as the manager of the Rear Palace, Jinshi is responsible for everything that happens within its' walls. The fact that Jinshi does not personally oversee service contracts is irrelevant. The buck stops with him. If the Matron of the Serving Women or whoever is below her is buying these contracts without checking their sources, that is Jinshi's fault because he has allowed a lax enough system to flourish. He has failed to govern this microcosm of the nation wisely, with thought for the welfare of the least powerful among his people. Worse, he has failed to even notice the problem - Maomao may say she's angry about having been kidnapped and sold, but she doesn't react in a way that indicates anger. Instead, she's resigned. Yes, what happened to her was wrong and she's angry about it, but there's literally nothing she or Jinshi can do.
Or Is There?
Jinshi offers Maomao two apologies, the first of which is our first hint to his true status. "I'm sorry we couldn't police them better." Maomao immediately blows off this apology - she points out that there's no way Jinshi should have known and has a very "all's well that ends well" attitude about her situation - her contract will be up eventually and in the meantime she's managed to land in a fulfilling role. Essentially Maomao is telling Jinshi that this apology is not his to make - he's overstepping his responsibility. And, if Jinshi were simply the manager of the Rear Palace, she would be right. It's his job to ensure that the Rear Palace is properly staffed, not to regulate that all contracts comply with the law.
Jinshi apologizes again. This time, he offers no other context. He doesn't accept Maomao's absolution of responsibility - because he knows (even if we, the audience, don't) otherwise. It can certainly be read as Jinshi refusing to accept easy absolution, and the rest of those witnessing the scene, apart from Gaoshun, certainly take it that way.
Instead, he takes the hair stick from his own hair and places it in Maomao's. Their entire relationship has just been upended; Maomao is a person who has been gravely wronged and it is Jinshi's responsibility to begin to make it right. Aside from the personal implications of giving her the hairpin (and the faint blush on his face makes it clear that he's aware of them), it is a form of restitution. There is an unspoken social contract Jinshi is offering that Maomao does not understand in the slightest. It never occurs to her that Jinshi would do something for her with no thought of what he would receive in return, because of the difference in their social ranks. But, from Jinshi's perspective, that social difference is the point. He has failed her and, as the person of higher rank, it is his responsibility to do what is within his power to begin to remedy the situation in front of him.
And, of course, in that moment he sees Maomao in a new light, the other meaning of gifting her his hairpin has fertile ground to take root in Jinshi's mind.
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confused-wanderer · 2 months
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Incorrect batfam quotes as things I’ve heard as a college student that definitely fit them:
Dick: Stop copying me!
Jason: StOp CoPyInG mE!
Dick: Oh my god you’re so annoying
Jason: oh my god you’re so annoying
Dick: I love you
Jason:
Dick: Say it bro
Jason: *booking it to the door*
Dick : SAY IT BACK MOTHERFUCK-
Barbara: .. wait I’m lost now
Stephanie: Girl I’ve been lost a long time ago
*while the batboys are doing laundry*
Dick: .. hey Jason?
Jason: yeah?
Dick: I put money and my clothes in the washing machine but it won’t start. Could you try?
Jason *stares at it and gently pries the door open before slamming it shut with such force that it swings open again*
Dick: DONT BREAK IT I PAID FOR THIS MAN
Jason: Hold on lemme try some- *swings harder*
Tim: WHAT ARE YOU DOING IDIOT ??
Washer *beeps and starts washing*
Duke: ah.. such a peaceful day and gorgeous vie-
*hears screaming in the distance*
Duke: Aaand we’re walking-
Tim: I’m sorry but could you tell me how to spell your name? I’m trying to save your contact.
Damian: It doesn’t matter.
Tim: Of course it does! I just want to make sure I spell it right.
Damian: No, seriously. It doesn’t matter how you spell it. That’s not even my real name.
Jason and Damian having breakfast in silence at a restaurant
Damian: so I have a knife in my room.
Bruce: And there’s this girl in the bathroom who’s been crying there for hours! And I don’t even know who it is, I can just see her shoes
Selina : Wait let’s check it out
Bruce: .. isn’t that an invasion of her privacy?
Selina: you’re no fun… I wonder what’s going on
Bruce: well she was talking to her friend about *insert very oddly specific rant about every microscopic detail*
Selina:
Bruce: ? What?
Selina: ..and youre trashing me for tryna find out who it is.
Bruce: Hey I was debating if I should call out and ask her if she was okay
Selina: Mhmm. Nosy. Imma go check-
Bruce: I have to fill my bottle anyways so I guess I’ll join..
— later —
Harley: and then what happened?
Selina: This mf was waiting for me outside while I found out and then I shooed him away to fill his bottle. And then we both watched as he placed it under the tap only for it to immediately start overflowing
Harley *howling with laughter*
Bruce: IT WAS HALF- EMPTY
Selina: It was FULL
Bruce: ..you’re exaggerating
Selina: Girl be for real you’re just as nosy as I am, that’s why we get along so well~
———————————————————————-
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the-nysh · 10 months
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Rewatching Trigun's 98anime (subs this time, being used to the eng dub) since I was curious to note the characters' shifting pronoun usage.
For reference, Stampede Vash always uses the softer, more humble, modest, boyish 'boku' - as expected (like Trimax Vash), even after his glow up in ep12, he still regards himself the same way. While Knives (Nai) exclusively uses the harder, more assertive, masculine 'ore'...ever since he was a little baby, which immediately differentiates them apart, but is...extremely (lmao) edgy of him.
But in the 98anime? Oh my god, it's all flipped around and completely different! Which quite interestingly reveals a lot of contextual nuances to many characters, and quite frankly rewatching in Japanese trying to catch all these things only thoroughly kicked my ass throwing in so many difficult-to-understand, unexpected curveballs; I'm both shook and humbled by what I've heard!
Because 98 Knives refers to himself as 'boku' O____O;; even during his most 'villainous' lines yelling at Vash too. Him having that casual but 'polite' poised dissonance in his voice comes off extremely unnerving;;; when he speaks of horrible things thru such an 'innocent' self-perception like that. (Even Legato uses 'boku' like him! Same in Stampede.) Damn I'm disturbed. He and Vash notably both used 'boku' when they were kids, but Knives in particular never really stopped saying that from their childhoods, so that says a lot about him. (His "did you just shoot me [boku]!?" comes off very uncannily childlike. No wonder Vash freaked out in guilt.)
But 98 Vash? Whoa, he requires a whole damn essay flips around ALL the time, interchangeably using BOTH! :O Often switching pronouns between 'ore' & 'boku' within the same episode, or even as quickly as every other sentence, even towards the same person. Depending on the immediate context/topic of what he's saying and the emphasis on how he's saying it. Via all his posturing, which 'persona' he switches into, his familiarity/humbleness/honesty/trust--even hostility towards certain people, and his mood's silly vs seriousness levels. Often reflective of how determined/confrontational/casual he is vs being walled off (masking) to openly repentant, lost or distressed too - but not always! It's Extremely inconsistent fascinating but confusing!!! Because there's no....fixed 'rules' to his usage. For ex he'll often use 'ore' casually within his own internal monologues to his more bombastic public self-introductions, or even when he's at his most serious in private moments about grave matters, like settling his past during his scar scene with Meryl. Even Eriks!Vash still uses 'ore' when confessing his guilt to Wolfwood about the Fifth Moon! So there feels to be a general preference for using 'ore' when he (internally and externally, both in casual and serious contexts) needs to show his 'determination' - aka being the man (the ideal 'Vash'?) he wants to become.
But then he'll flip around using 'boku' for some of his most exasperatingly fake ✨playful✨ bits when he's kidding and messing around in mock courtesy (bonus: he even uses 'watashi' as a joke for his ridiculously long 'formal' name introduction to Wolfwood).....AND 'boku' will be used for his most sincere humble (polite) conversations back with family members he knows at Home, and when he connects back to his childhood with Rem in his dreams. The Diablo ep is a good example: he uses 'ore' throughout the ep until he reverts to 'boku' after speaking to Rem deciding not to kill, and that humbling shift, like to that of a lost younger boy, makes so much sense. The shift happens again when Eriks!Vash thinks about Rem feeling just as lost: "what should I [boku] do?" And after the tragic incident at Home when he's depressed and masking himself behind his glasses, while quietly reflecting to Wolfwood with a reproachful, "Everyone who touches me [boku] dies." ...Before immediately changing back to 'ore' in the next sentence firming his resolve to face Knives.
But in general it really depends and you have to listen hard (pay close attention) to hear how much contextual teasing, sincerity, irony, genuine respect, or...humbling self-reproach and self-depreciation he uses. Indicative towards how much (or how poorly) he internally regards himself and how he externally presents himself to others, because it changes. All the time. His personal pronouns aren't fixed! ...Basically, I'm just as confused as Meryl (and it really makes narrative sense why she's so confused by him), not knowing which 'persona' is the real him! x'D
...Oh but a really good moment, in ep24 when Meryl pleads at him to be honest with her for once about all the tragedies, he uses 'boku' explaining everything to her about Knives. That's....really good. :O Like umm...him using 'ore' before with her (in the scar scene) kind of erected a subtle barrier when he refused to elaborate further, but using 'boku' so sincerely for her request.....like it..extends her the same humble level of courtesy/trust he'd use towards the 'family' he loves back at Home (+Rem)....but it's so loaded, cause he's being honest but still...distant telling her why he's better off alone. :')) Man...(the aaangst) Oooooh, but then ep25 is very telling too, cause he's mentally lost for the whole ep, always using 'boku' so anguished and self-deprecatingly....until Meryl saves him and he gives her his softest genuine 'boku' yet, after he recovers back to himself donning the red coat again, thanking and assuring her he'll be alright. :'D (Hooray~) Before internally switching back to 'ore' on his final quest setting out alone for Knives. Ep26: he still keeps that distinct assertive 'ore' in front of Knives "I [ore] will survive!" and 'boku' for Rem: "I [boku] will continue to believe in you, but will look to my own [jibun] words for guidance." :')) (Bonus: 'jibun' is added when he philosophically thinks in terms of 'oneself'/'myself' from now on.)
Bonus nuance: while younger Vash may have dependently followed Knives' lead around--back when they both used 'boku' together, older (current) Vash--using 'ore' with him, feels like he's grown to assume the role as the more independent, responsible older brother now, when he finally understands how to put Rem's last words to 'take care of Knives' into practice. :'))
So tl;dr: Vash tends to have a casual leaning preference for using 'ore' in most situations both private and public, but especially for whenever he asserts his determination involving Knives with a confrontational edge. 'Boku' is used exclusively (politely, with genuine deference & care) towards extended family members he loves (like Rem, Brad, Doc, and eventually.....Meryl; using the softest 'boku' towards her I've ever heard. ;.;) And for whenever he humbles himself in distress, feeling lost in turmoil or self-reproach. But it's not set in stone! Since both pronouns can be used sincerely or ironically in jest, for whenever he's feeling silly or playing a bit (donning a mask), easily switching depending on presentation or context too. 98 Vash simply does what he wants! While Meryl screams in confused exasperation!
As for 98 Meryl, she often uses the book-standard, more formal/professional 'watashi' when introducing herself (Stampede Meryl too), and her speech patterns are typically very polite and pleasant to listen to (with many lovely 'desu-wa' sentence finishers.) ...Until she changes to the informal, more feminine 'atashi.' Ex: when screaming at Milly to let her go (to Vash) as the city blew up during the Fifth Moon incident. The raw sincerity in her voice for that change is so...🥺 of her. Note, cause most other girls - from Rem, Milly, younger kids like Lina, to older (but youthful) grandma characters all informally use 'atashi.' So for Meryl to drop her usual formalities when her honest feelings come out ("I [atashi] need to go there!" - to the epicenter where Vash is) means a lot. :')) ...Ah! Cause she slips to 'atashi' again in ep25, in front of Vash (while he uses 'boku' at his most mentally lost and openly wounded state) at his bedside. o///o Oh my... Using 'atashi' again while crying to Milly in regret that she couldn't confess anything yet to Vash on his sendoff. So yes, Meryl's feminine 'atashi' side shows whenever she expresses her honest feelings. :'3
Now 98 Wolfwood is a special case, cause he speaks primarily in Kansai dialect, which is extremely hard for me to understand what he's saying in modified/shortened slang all the time. (Compared to say, Meryl who speaks very cleanly and polite.) I've heard him use 'ore' when offering kids food, the more rural/casual form 'oira' when confessing his turmoil to Milly at his most vulnerable, 'uchi' when talking about 'our orphanage,' 'washi' (the 'old man' form of watashi) when speaking in more formal/aged terms of 'God', to the slang form 'wai' (he casually prefers this one a lot, and Stampede Wolfwood uses 'wai' too, esp when introducing himself to new people, for most of the few eps he's even in, and it makes him sound like...way older than he actually is?) to even 'jibun' when talking about himself with distance in flashbacks. The impression he gives off is like that of someone who's come from a rural/street kid (orphan) background...but who speaks like a chill elder now?? who's aged far too soon for his years. That's my best interpretation of what's happening. (His slang 'wai' even slurs to sound like 'oira,' almost like 'wai-ra' sometimes; gah it's really hard for me to discern, I'm sorry.) Bonus: he teasingly calls Milly 'my honey' in english, while she playfully answers him back with the pronounced 'a-na-ta' (dear), so they def have an inside thing going on. Bottom line, he's very complicated *bangs head on desk* and his accent is too unfamiliar/beyond my meager course level to fully grasp! :'D
To sum up (to the best of my hearing comprehension):
Stampede Vash: always boku, modest and unassuming towards everyone 98 Vash: BOTH ore & boku; not fixed. Casual preference for ore vs more humble courtesy using boku, but it's extremely context/mood/persona dependent, since he can mask & switch for jokes. Has a serious confrontational/determined edge using ore vs Knives--as if Vash becomes the older brother here, but always reserves the softer boku towards Rem and the found family he loves Stampede Knives: always ore, ever since he was a baby; so much edge 98 Knives: boku, coming off unnervingly childlike vs Vash's ore Meryl (both): watashi, but changes to atashi (98) when her honest feelings towards Vash show Wolfwood (both, Kansai dialect): primarily wai, but can use many other forms Legato (both): boku Roberto: ore Milly: atashi, but can mask using watashi when she's not fine Rem: atashi (98) & watashi (Stampede) Stampede Luida: watashi, but atashi when casual with teen Vash Brad (both): ore Dr. Conrad: watashi Stampede Elendira: watashi Stampede Zazie: boku
Now besides the animes, since Trimax is a whole other overwhelming complicated beast, and since I don't have access to check (nor would I even be able to easily read/understand) the Japanese raws, I'd be VERY interested in someone's investigation and breakdown into the manga's pronouns, especially for Trimax Vash, since I've heard that beyond 'boku,' he shifts and evolves throughout his journey too, possibly ending on a very soft wizened, matured 'watashi' that I'd love to hear more!
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kdinjenzen · 1 year
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The fact that so many articles paint “gender dysphoria” as only something trans people experience is ridiculous.
The concept of societal gender has, and continues to, harmed cis people for a very very long time and causes cis folks to suffer similarly to their trans siblings.
While, yes, trans folks on average may have a greater sense of (and reaction to) gender dysphoria - a lot of that comes from actually understanding what that feeling IS and knowing how to combat it in the way they need.
Cis people, however, will sit there and be uncomfortable while not knowing WHY and when they are told “that sounds like gender dysphoria” they will say “no, that’s only for trans people” - and then… continue to suffer.
Additionally “Societal Gender Norms” depending on where you are in the world you are and what is “Girl” and what is “Boy” can change DRASTICALLY depending on where you are from or the culture you grew up in.
This is to say that, overall, people attempting to adhere to the “American Societal Gender Norm” as some “Universal Standard of Gender” are far more likely to be depressed over their gender presentation than in most other countries and societies in the world.
Why? Well… our standard of “Boy” and “Girl” is not only the YOUNGEST acting societal standard but it changes SO OFTEN that if you look at “The Standard of Beauty for Women” and “The Standard for Manliness” across the last 100 years you will see such dramatic shifts EVERY 10 YEARS which can cause increasing amounts of dysphoria as time goes on because:
1. The standard you grew up with and idolized is NOT the standard you live in NOW and you feel “out of sorts” with your gender.
Or
2. The standard you WERE considered “Womanly”/“Manly” in has changed DRASTICALLY with time and now you are no longer considered that DESPITE not changing how you present your gender.
This is to say… cis folks and trans folks deal with a lot of the same issues, and by breaking down barriers between statements like “YOU CAN NEVER UNDERSTAND (X TYPE OF PERSON)” we can realize that AS PEOPLE we are all more alike than things appear.
Be that by gender, color of our skin, sexuality, spirituality, or ANYTHING!
We are all human, we all suffer, we all grow, we all learn, we all cry, we all smile, we all are people among other people.
Kindness and learning about yourself and others helps everyone in the end.
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books · 8 months
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Writing Workshop Week 1: Show & Tell
Hello, writers of tumblr! It’s @bettsfic again with this week’s generative workshop. 
Today we’re doing what might be my favorite class activity: Show & Tell. 
You might be thinking, do you teach kindergarten or something? No, I teach college. But my students are often weary, downtrodden 20 year olds who are more than happy to go back to basics. Tumblr—being a website of people who care deeply about things and share that passion with others—seems like a great place to host Show & Tell.
Speaking of basics, let’s first talk a bit about…
The Writing Identity
The goal of many writers is to become better at writing. While I think this is an admirable goal it’s also a complicated one, because good writing is entirely subjective. Everyone has their own definition of what good writing looks like based on their knowledge base, history, and personal tastes. And so I often encourage my students, before they begin their journey of becoming a better writer, to step back and ask themselves, “What does good writing look like to me?”
And that’s the thing: you can’t really become a better writer. You can become a more patient writer, with the ability to write and revise multiple drafts of a work. You can become a more ambitious writer, with the ability to write longer stories and deeper themes. You can become a more detailed writer, with the ability to render images and the small details of living that maybe other people don’t notice. Writing is a skill that requires practice, but it also requires joy. You have to enjoy the work more than you fear the potential for failure. And to enjoy the work, you need to honor yourself, your interests, and your ideals. In other words, to become a better writer, you have to become more you.
I remember when I first started writing, I frantically sought out writing advice. I clung to simple adages and rules: active verbs are stronger than passive verbs; remove words like “think” and “realize” and other indicators of your characters’ interior experiences; take out adjectives and adverbs. If you were to adhere to all this advice, your writing wouldn’t become stronger, it would become colder. You would write like Hemingway. There’s nothing wrong with Hemingway, but Hemingway already did Hemingway, and that means you’re free not to be Hemingway. 
Don’t we read to feel closer to people, to experience that which we couldn’t otherwise experience? The beautiful thing about prose is that it’s the only medium that conveys consciousness, because language is the way we contain our thoughts, and writing them down offers others the chance to understand them. E.M. Forster in his book Aspects of the Novel says that the only difference between a character and a person is that a character’s secret inner life can be known, but a person’s can only be understood in observed behavior. Novels are stories of consciousness; biographies are stories of deeds. 
In my early days as a writer, those inane adages of “good writing” began to weigh on me, and I found myself frequently opening a blank document and telling myself, “I’m just going to write something for fun, for me, and so I don’t have to follow any rules.” Every time, that lawless thing I wrote would become better than anything I’d written when I followed the rules. And in this case, “better” means I was proud of it; in writing as close to myself as I could, I was able to help my technical skill reach the level of my personal taste. 
Good writing advice doesn’t spout shallow adages of what should be, it tells you all the things that could be; it opens your mind to possibilities and techniques. “Should” restrains creativity; the entire point of writing is to be creative. To be creative means to make something that has never existed before. And so one of the first things I tell my students is: You already know everything you need to know about your own writing. You already have good and important stories in you. You just have to sit down and write them.
“Show, Don’t Tell”
One such adage that still really gets to me is “show, don’t tell,” which a lot of writers believe. Many people take it to mean that you should describe the exterior circumstances of your narrator in order to allow the reader to interpret meaning. Instead of describing how your narrator feels, these people would rather have you describe their facial expression. But if you’re so interested in rendering the exterior rather than the interior, you’re better off becoming a director. 
Others take it less literally: you show your story instead of tell your story, which, sure, is a valid personal belief for your own work but it’s ambiguous and impractical, and also denies the nature of people to tell stories. Fairy tales and fables are stories that are told. Telling stories came long before showing them.  
In some ways, “show, don’t tell,” can be useful. If you spend a thousand words of character A lovingly and carefully describing every detail of character B, you don’t then need to say something like, “She was pining for him,” because you’ve allowed your description to do that work for you. So no, you don’t need to say it, but maybe you want to. Maybe you want to make it inarguable that character A is pining for character B; you don’t want a reader to say, “I think she’s paying that much attention because she wants to kill him and she’s looking for his weak points.”
And so that’s what it comes down to—choice. Ultimately, writing is about making decisions, and those decisions are stronger when you understand all your options.
Behind the adage is a more difficult truth to swallow: prose is both infinite in its potential and also frustratingly limited, because you have no control over your audience. You can lovingly describe every snowflake that falls in a blizzard, and your reader will be taking their own meaning from it—for people who can mentally visualize things, it’s the images their mind conjures; for those who can’t, it’s a mass of facts. And there are also those who are sleepy and missing details, or who are skimming to get to the bits they’re most interested in, or who accidentally dropped their book in the bath and now the bottom half of every page is warped and unreadable.
Or you can say, “It snowed.”
No matter what your beliefs are on “show, don’t tell,” the truth is that it’s a false dichotomy. The very nature of prose is to navigate this divide. Some stories call for more showing, for example when your narrator is at a distance, when we don’t have much access to their thoughts or feelings. Other stories will ask you to tell, especially if we’re deep in your narrator’s head and they’re giving us everything. Showing lends itself to setting, imagery, and plot. Telling lends itself to character, voice, and style. One is not inherently better than the other, in the same way that a screwdriver isn’t better than a hammer—the tool you use depends on the task at hand.
Any time you encounter a trite rule in writing, it’s usually pointing to something much greater and more fun to think about. In this case, showing and telling are two integral tools in meaning-making. For this week’s activity, we’re going to use both show and tell to make meaning.
Prompt time!
In Donald Barthelme's essay “Not-Knowing,” he calls objects magical. “What is magical about the object is that it at once invites and resists interpretation. Its artistic worth is measurable by the degree to which it remains, after interpretation, vital.” 
So what does that mean? Although this essay is a hot mess (lovingly), part of its intended work is to be a mess. In fact Barthelme describes the mess of his desk and allows it to define him. It’s covered in coffee cups, cigarette ash, unpaid bills, and unwritten novels. In reality, those objects are just objects, but when rendered in prose, they give us an impression of this particular world and the character within it. The writer renders; the reader interprets. The things we own, that mean something to us, are also things that can define us. Who is the person who carries a leather wallet embossed with their initials, with the inside holding credit cards and a stack of neat bills? Who is the person who carries a canvas wallet with a faded Punisher logo on it, attached to a chain, and the only thing inside it is a Subway rewards card?
Objects are important. Especially in this world we live in where so many things have become virtual, tangibility will always be integral to us. We are a species that reaches out and touches. We like to hold things in our hands. We love things which cannot love us back. 
For this week’s prompt fill, I want you to find a magical object for Show & Tell. Ideally, it’s something with a long personal history that’s important to you. Maybe it’s the object you would save in the event of a fire, or maybe it’s something you lost long ago. 
First, I’d like you to show us the object by describing it. Then, tell us the story of it.
You can write about how you acquired it and the memories it conjures. Allow yourself to link and associate memories and feelings. Don’t box yourself in too much—just see where it takes you. 
But you can also put a spin on it. Here are some ways you can do that:
If you want to try fiction, you can write the same story about your favorite character’s beloved object, or you could completely make up an object and its history. 
If you want to try something experimental, you can write a story from the perspective of the object, and maybe its beloved thing is you. 
If you want to try poetry, write a poem of your object. This is a separate lesson, but T.S. Eliot’s concept of an objective correlative may be illuminating to consider. 
The purpose of this activity is to dig through your memories and/or observations, connect them, and use something external to conjure meaning from them. You begin with what your object is and it will eventually lead you to what it means.
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Questions? Ask ‘em here before EOD Tuesday so @bettsfic can answer them on Wednesday. And remember to tag your work #tumblr writing workshop with betts if you want her to read your work and possibly feature it on Friday!
And, for those just joining us: @bettsfic is running a writing workshop on @books this month. Want to know more? Start here.
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tarysande · 1 year
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ADHD
I had ADHD for over thirty years before it was diagnosed, and part of the reason why it took so long is because a few specific things absolutely did not resonate with me. At all. And I saw them listed as "symptoms" of ADHD ALL THE TIME.
So, I thought I'd write up a quick list in case it helps someone else out there see past the stereotypes that are too often used as diagnostics.
ADHDers struggle with reading/words/speech etc.
ADHDers have a history of poor grades or attention at school.
ADHDers have a history of drug and/or alcohol abuse.
ADHDers can't sit still.
And how did I differ?
I read constantly. In fact, one might say I HYPERFOCUS on reading. I would rather read information than listen to it. (Reason #1 that I just can't get into podcasts!) The problem has never been reading--it's stopping reading. I'm a professional writer and editor with a background in acting. Words have never been a problem. Do some ADHDers struggle with words? Hell, yeah. Do ALL ADHDers struggle with words? Nope. Not even close. (PS: A lot of ADHDers who struggle with words may actually also have other learning struggles, such as dyslexia. ADHD loooooves a comorbidity!)
This is still SUCH a persistent myth. Even the psychologist who diagnosed me was hesitant because I had stellar grades all through my education. The more research they do, however, the more they realize that other things (autism, giftedness, etc.) can actually mask or mitigate the "typical" symptoms of ADHD that lead to it being diagnosed at school. And if you're an ADHDer who, say, hyperfocuses on learning (because it's cool! and you learn new things all the time!), or who has developed extremely effective coping mechanisms (perfectionism, people-pleasing, etc.), or who deliberately sticks to "safe" subjects to avoid challenge and possible failure, grades are NOT a good measure of ADHD. (Look into what it means to be "twice exceptional"--you may find a list of traits that resonates a lot more!)
ADHDers are out there looking for anything that'll give them a dopamine hit. Boredom is deadly. And the mix of novelty-seeking and low inhibition can often result in risky behavior. However, this can manifest in many, many ways. Drugs, alcohol, sexual partners? None of that was relevant to me. Spending, however? Especially spending money I didn't have on things I didn't need just to feel that itty bitty thrill of OOH SOMETHING NEW! ... yeah, that was a real problem. But not one I usually saw on those symptom lists, even though ADHD+finances can result in HUGE and life-altering problems.
Even bearing in mind that there are different presentations of ADHD--and that inattentive is one of them--ADHD does NOT always present as physical restlessness. Often, mental restlessness--racing thoughts, daydreaming, distractability, inability to "turn off your brain" to get enough sleep--slips through the diagnostic cracks and can be FAR more disruptive to one's health and happiness. And, again, many ADHDers develop coping mechanisms that can end up being very unhealthy or unsustainable in the long term. (I keep my ADHD in my thumb, for example. I can be perfectly still for a long, long time. However, my right thumb fidgets almost constantly. It's weird. Now that I've noticed it, I can't unsee it.)
I guess what I'm saying is ... nothing is set in stone where ADHD is concerned, so don't be afraid to dig deeper, especially if some aspects hit hard. Exploration is a good thing. Questioning is a good thing.
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son1c · 4 months
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i haven't been super tuned in to the fibula lore, can you elaborate on his relationship with metal? [chinhands] i saw the "thanks sonic" post a while ago and ooouh they intrigue me
YES. so. to start with... fibula doesn't know where he is, what happened, or who this weird guy with a moustache is. he's strapped down to a table and he can't feel his legs and he's SCARED. this is not helped by the uncanny metal hedgehog that's staring him down from across the room.
he barely understands eggman when he tells him he's been brought back to life by his ~genius~ and he works for him now. what he DOES understand is when that weird hedgehog--who he doesn't know is a robot, because he doesn't know what a robot IS--shuffles over and undoes the belt holding him to the table.
immediately, he sits up, but he can't run, because he still can't feel his legs. the moustached man says something to the metal hedgehog--who is apparently called metal sonic?--and then waves his hand like that's the end of the conversation.
fibula flinches when metal beeps--that was not the sound he was expecting him to make--but metal's withering glare is completely lost on fibula when the robot offers him his hand, because despite the confusion and fear and ringing in his ears, a hand is a hand, and fibula shakily reaches out to take it.
metal's grip is firm and unwavering and strong and fibula clings to it with everything he has left in his undead heart. with his help, fibula relearns how to walk, and fibula is grateful. "thanks, sonic," is what he says because "metal sonic" is a mouthful and, to fibula, "metal" is not a name; it's like saying "boy" or "guy" or "kid."
and it's this choice, this recognition of metal's personhood, that makes metal's bone-deep hatred slip for the first time. because he DOESN'T hate that--it's what he WANTS. and he never gets what he wants. metal quickly realizes he wants more--more of that recognition, more of that consideration, more of that kindness.
and he gets it. when eggman tells him him train fibula, teach him how to fight, fibula offers him that same acknowledgement again and again and again. even when metal is mopping the floor with him... fibula is impressed with his speed, and says he's NEVER seen anything as fast as Sonic.
metal stops dead when he says that. to fibula, the fastest thing alive is HIM. the zombie's words swirl around and around in metal's mechanical head, and that hatred slips again, further this time, further than he ever thought possible. when fibula says that, metal feels the very faintest sparks of another emotion for the first time ever.
(he doesn't know that it's happiness, but he likes how it feels, and when the hatred programmed into his code swallows it back up not too long later, he longs for it to return.)
to fibula, metal is his first friend. the first person who offered him their hand, who was there for him when he needed help. a scary situation was made less scary by metal's cold grip. and to metal, fibula is the thing he thought would be just another one of the doctor's impulse projects... but he quickly finds he doesn't want this one to fail, because he wants fibula to stick around. craving more of that positive reinforcement that he's starved for.
even though metal doesn't talk, fibula can still understand him. he pays attention to metal's body language, and it's blatantly obvious that the robot enjoys it when he calls him by his name, because that rigid stature relaxes just a little bit. and when fibula slings his arm around metal's shoulders and tells him he couldn't've done it without him, the robot lets him. it's nice to be appreciated. it's nice to be a friend.
metal is rebooted whenever he gets too damaged or fails to fulfill missions assigned by eggman. this resets his emotions and any freewill he's managed to claw out of the hands of his oppressive code is torn away. fibula figures this out really quick, and tanks most of the damage for metal, and takes the blame for him when he can. this doesn't work all the time, since metal still receives "routine" patches, but it seems like the longer this goes on, it doesn't matter if metal is rebooted or patched or not... fibula's stubbornness and dedication is helping metal break free, faster and faster, regardless of eggman's attempts to keep him squashed under his thumb.
the remnants of fibula's old personality are mostly seen when he's interacting with metal like that. he cares, and he's self-sacrificial, and it seems like there's nothing he won't do to make metal happy. what can i say? old habits die hard.
metal and fibula also "play" by means of challenging each other to various outlandish competitions. (the hold-your-breath one being one example.) but sometimes they also just do regular stupid teenager shit. fibula loves to have metal fly him around, and metal likes it when fibula says he's the coolest hedgehog around, so he does it. fibula is also REALLY good at digging holes so sometimes they go spelunking... metal's scanners help guide fibula when something interesting is nearby that doesn't have to do with chaos energy.
idk. at the end of the day they're just a couple of kids who are both learning what it feels like to be a kid together. and if the time ever came when eggman decided that fibula was a "failed" project... metal would probably realize he won't be able to dispose of him. not that he can't--but he won't.
imagine that. the killing machine, unwilling to hurt something. maybe he's more like sonic than anyone ever thought.
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emptyjunior · 6 months
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Can I say as someone who's a Pacific Islander, lived in Australia, Oceania my whole life, it's absolutely mind-bending how many Americans think that when it comes to english speaking countries it's only them and Europe.
Like the "oh sorry I don't use Celsius like you Europeans" stuff, you know everyone uses that right? Everyone? Absolutely everyone in the world except you?
When you talk about having a kettle as a standard kitchen item and some Americans are like that's SO british. It's not? It's all of us doing that?
I'm not making this to try and rag on Americans I promise, this isn't an 'all those Americans are ignorant and we're not' post, I'm just saying it's very baffling to be a person on the internet who speaks English and says they're not American, the FIRST response is "okay European."
???
The vibe is very 'Americans are the standard, Europe is the only other real place and then there's the east'😭
Like most of us are in the Commonwealth, measuring with kilometres, doing Eurovision. Americans are the outlier😭
I just can't impress upon you how many times I have discussed a thing that isn't a standard in the USA for an American to assume it's only a fringe European practice, we're ALL doing that man, all the rest of the world exists, it's such a gamble for you to assume I can only be in your country or Britian ☠️
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putschki1969 · 3 months
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KEIKO Planetarium Live〜Starry Night〜 & Chocolate meating#3〜Starry Night edition〜 Live Report
I experienced so many amazing things during my recent Japan trip but for some reason, this special planetarium event left the most lasting impression so that's why I wanted it to be the topic of my first live report. Below you'll find an abundance of fangirling and mindless blabbering so please brace yourselves! The post will be divided into the following sections to make it easier for you to get through.
General Info
Preface
Merchandise
Venue
Performance
Fan Club Exclusive Part
General Info
Instagram post by Keiko | Tweet by Keiko | Tweet by Yuriko
『KEIKO Planetarium Live ~Starry Night~』 [Date] Sunday, December 17, 2023 [Time] Open 14:30 / Start 15:00 [Ticket fee] 8,000 yen (tax included) [Venue] Konica Minolta Planetaria TOKYO DOME1
FC Exclusive 『Chocolate meating #3 ~Starry Night edition~』 [Date] Sunday, December 17, 2023 [Time] Open 17:00 / Start 17:30 [Ticket fee] 8,500 yen (tax included) ※FC exclusive benefit included [Venue] Konica Minolta Planetaria TOKYO DOME1
Preface
When this was first announced I was devastated because at that time, my trip to Japan was scheduled to end on Dec 14th. But with both Wakana and Keiko announcing solo performances after that day, I was determined to find a way to extend my stay. Initially, I was hesitant because I knew there was no way to change my return flight. I would ultimately lose a significant amount of money and on top of that, I would have to book a new one-way return ticket for a later date which would cost me a fortune as well. After considering all my pros and cons, I ultimately decided to go through with the whole thing because I knew I would probably hate myself forever if I didn't use that opportunity. Of course it also hinged upon whether or not I would manage to get a ticket for the fan club performance in the evening. I knew my chances were super slim due to the tiny venue (~100 people) but luckily, I won a ticket. At that point I knew that I had no excuses not to go XD This is by far one of he craziest and most irrational things I've ever done so for some time I was afraid that I would end up with horrible regrets but I am happy to report that it was worth every penny for me. Not only was Wakana's concert amazing, these two Keiko performances absolutely blew me away with their intimate nature and unique atmosphere. Can you believe that this was actually the first time for me to attend a Keiko solo event? I had purchased streaming tickets for all of her online lives of course but I had never been to an on-site event. And for a while now, I have been asking myself if I would even enjoy a one-man live like that since - as we all know - I am not particularly fond of a lot of her solo releases but, lo and behold, my love for Keiko and her music was 100% reaffirmed. I am so glad that I took the plunge, I couldn't be more grateful to have been able to be there for this amazing experience. On this note, I wanna give a big shout-out to my friend Pae who encouraged me from the get-go to come to the event and who got our tickets for the day performance. It was a general sale on a first come-first serve basis and she really knocked it out of the park with her professional ticket purchasing skills. I definitely could never have done it that quickly so kudos to her. Here's a picture of little old me, Pae and her friend from Thailand.
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Merchandise
I wanna take a few moments to talk about the live goods because I am utterly smitten with everything. The acrylic stands and the block are particularly pretty but I am also obsessed with the polaroids. I almost couldn't contain myself and since they didn't have any limits as to how many pieces one person could buy, I naturally went all out. Don't worry, I didn't buy that much since I was still reeling from how expensive it was to extend my trip. Also, I was one of the first few people in line so it would have been rude to buy an excessive amount, there were a ton of other fans around after all, they obviously also wanted to buy a lot of merch. While they prepared plenty of the random polaroid magnets, they unfortunately didn't really bring enough of the acrylic stuff. By the end of the day performance, the acrylic stands were already completely sold out and after the evening performance, the acrylic block was gone too. I guess that means that even if we get an online sale at one point, they will only sell the tote bag and the magnets...or maybe they'll produce another batch of all the acrylic items...We'll have to wait and see...I could see myself buying some more polaroids if they become available online. I only got two pieces with a handwritten message by Keiko so it would be nice to have more. But they are not exactly cheap so I'll have to think about it.
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Venue
The venue was...not what I had expected XD. The pictures online of Konica Minolta Planetaria are a bit misleading but I guess that's because they only ever feature Dome 2 and not Dome 1 which is significantly smaller and doesn't have any of the fancy seats. Our seats were little more than reclining beach chairs with a little table but oh well, I didn't come there to be seated comfortably so it didn't bother me too much. At the end of the day, it was a good thing that the dome was so tiny because it made everything feel so much more intimate. And let me tell you, when I say intimate, I mean intimate. I've never ever been this close to Keiko (and I've had my fair share of close encounters with her). There were no assigned seats for the performances, everyone just had a number on their ticket and we were allowed to enter the dome in order of that number. As mentioned earlier, Pae was super fast getting our tickets so we ended up with the numbers 5 to 7, meaning that for the day performance I got a seat right at the front with a clear view of Keiko. There was no stage or anything, just a bit of basic equipment, some microphones and two stools. This meant that there was barely any space between the front row and the artist area (1 metre maybe). Needless to say, I spent the entire time looking at Keiko XD. I almost felt a bit bad because I was missing out on the lovely projections but to be fair, it was actually quite hard to get a good view of them this close to the front so the best option for me was to just stare at Keiko. During the break I bought myself a yummy galaxy donut which was almost too pretty to eat but at that point I was starving so I literally devoured it. For the FC exclusive evening performance I wasn't nearly as lucky when it came to my number. I got #71 so I ended up in one of the last rows unfortunately. From the first performance I knew that Keiko would be entering from the back door on the left side and walk through the audience so I at least made sure to take a seat close to the door so she would walk right past me (which she did so YAY but more on that later). On another positive note, the seat in the back made it possible for me to get fully immersed in the projections without being too distracted by Keiko. It was truly breathtaking to see all these space-themed vivid images across the ceiling.
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Performance
It feels like I have already talked so much about the whole thing but I haven't mentioned a single thing about the actual performances so let me rectify that. I've already alluded to it in the beginning of this post, Keiko was absolutely stunning and I am obviously not just talking about her looks. Her vocals were out of this world, every single song of the setlist flattered her so much, there was not a single misplaced note as far as I could tell. Due to the nature of the event, it was of course a very understated performance, there was no wild movement or crazy choreography, it was just Keiko standing/sitting there being illuminated by the tiniest of lights, just enough to still see her but never enough to distract from the visuals. After all, the main focus were supposed to be the projected images and for the most part, that was the case. Only occasionally they would shine some more light on Keiko (mostly during MCs). As you can see below, the setlist was full of ballads and OMG, I couldn't have been happier about that. She sang almost all my faves so I was pretty much in heaven for the first half of the live. Almost started crying during 通り雨 because it was painstakingly beautiful. キミガネムルカラ and 夕顔 were also true gems to experience live, so haunting and mystic. She brought out her brand new guitar for songs #4 to #6 and while I have never been the biggest fan of acoustic guitars, Keiko really managed to make me fall in love with the sound. Both her and her guitarist did a fantastic job arranging and performing these tracks. Also, I was quite surprised to hear Yas Nakajima provide backup vocals for Keiko during Burn In The Wind, their voices match perfectly.
The cover section was admittedly a bit of a let-down for me since the chosen songs are not exactly among my favourites. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy myself or that Keiko didn't deliver the songs flawlessly, it's just that I don't really care all that much for the songs themselves. There were some really gorgeous high notes though so I really can't complain. Speaking of covers, I was super hyped when Keiko announced that she would be singing 風の街へ, a self-cover of her first FictionJunction KEIKO work. I had a feeling she would maybe sing it (since it's obviously a perfect fit for this sort of atmosphere) but Pae kept telling me that it probably wouldn't be happening. Glad I was right about that. During the MC, Keiko was talking about her upcoming single 夕闇のうた so for a while I was sure she would just sing that but she ultimately did not perform it. We got to hear the full version a few days earlier at Kaji Fes. so I wasn't too disappointed that it didn't make it onto the setlist of the planetarium live (also, if I am being honest, the song hasn't really grown on me yet so it's not like I'm dying to hear it again and again). Instead, she chose the song that marked the very beginning of Keiko's journey together with Yuki Kajiura and really, I can never get enough of it. It's one of my very favourite YK x Keiko collaborations and it's always such a pleasure to hear it live. It was only my second time so I couldn't have been more grateful. The final three songs were a nice change of pace with more involvement from the audience and more focus on Keiko rather than the projections. I certainly didn't expect ラテ to make an appearance but with the pretty lights, it worked surprisingly well. The whole thing had a very futuristic feel to it if you know what I mean. ユア has slowly been growing on me and it's just such a feel-good song that I cannot stop vibing with it (similar to Wakana's Happy Hello Day actually). The ending was beyond epic, エンドロール is such a cool song. I just wish I had known the lyrics so I would have been able to sing along properly (I have zero skills when it comes to memorising lyrics) . Keiko tried to prepare us with a few test-runs but I kept mixing up some lines T_T Oh well, I had a blast so that's all that counts! The one thing I felt kinda sad about was the fact that we didn't get an encore but I guess they had to keep the performance short...?
M-1キミガネムルカラ M-2夕顔 M-3通り雨 M-4夜の嘘と M-5Lost M-6Burn In The Wind M-7駅 by 竹内まりや (Cover) M-8ルビーの指環 by 寺尾聰 (Cover) M-9秋桜 by 山口百恵 (Cover) M-10風の街へ (Self-Cover) M-11ラテ M-12ユア M-13エンドロール
Fan Club Exclusive Part
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When I entered the dome for the fan club exclusive evening performance, I was given a large envelope by a staff member containing a message card by Keiko. The scan above features the picture which makes up one half of the card. So pretty! (Please keep in mind that this is fan club exclusive!) As mentioned earlier, I had a seat pretty far in the back during this performance, I was still close enough to have a good view of Keiko but I decided to focus on the projections this time around since Keiko jokingly mentioned a couple of times that she felt so many eyes on her and that we should try to enjoy the gorgeous view above as well. With the way she said it, I could tell that she wasn't annoyed or angry about it but she genuinely just wanted us the get the most out of the experience. And yeah, I have to admit, it was amazing to just lean back and watch the gorgeous space visuals while being gently wrapped by Keiko's vocals. Also, for some weird reason, the seats in the back were much more comfortable than the ones in the front row so that made it a lot easier to just relax. The setlist was the exact same and Keiko's performance was just as good. There were some technical issues with the projections at one point so the staff asked Keiko to take a little break and entertain the audience for a while so they could fix the problem. Keiko was really cute during this section because she struggled to come up with something to talk about. All her other MCs had been rather short and straight-to-the-point so there wasn't really anything to talk about. She even admitted that it was quite hard for her to just talk to an audience without having anyone on stage with her to create a sort of a back and forth. Unfortunately, her guitarist was pretty useless in that regard since he didn't feel comfortable at all talking XD Keiko ended up blabbering on and on about the most random stuff and eventually talked a bit about the guitar arrangement for 秋桜 which she found quite impressive. After they had fixed the issue, we went back to the regular program for a couple of songs until Keiko announced that it was time for some special games since this was a fan club event after all. First, we played a few rounds of a Maru-Batsu-Quiz (True-or-False-Quiz). They had prepared some Keiko-trivia questions. Everyone was asked to stand up and with every question people either answered with "true" (fist) or "false" (open hand). Those who answered incorrectly had to sit down so fewer and fewer people remained standing as time went by. Some of the questions were a bit tricky so all you could do was guess. Unfortunately, I wasn't one of the lucky winners at the end. Although I will say that these games are mostly based on trust since you can always pretend to have made the correct gesture or change your gesture in the right moment (it's hard to verify stuff like that). There were a handful of guys who won the first two rounds, they got to walk towards the front and Keiko gave them a little present (some snack souvenirs from the most recent Asia tour-leg, nothing too exciting). Then we were all surprised because for one round the last person standing happened to be none other than Yuriko Kaida. Turns out she had been sitting right behind me all this time (her seat was the closest one to the back door in the very last row). I did not expect her to actually collect her prize (especially since Keiko mentioned that Yuriko had gotten the exact same souvenir in Taiwan) but she did. It was a treat seeing them interact like that. They are so funny together and it was during those moments that you could immediately tell that Keiko became so much more relaxed and talkative once she had someone on-stage with her who she felt comfortable with. As a final game, we did one round of rock-paper-scissors which once again, I wasn't lucky enough to win but I guess it just wasn't meant to be T_T
When the show was over, Keiko walked through the audience towards the door in the back and that's when my seat choice really paid off. She got super close to the people who had an aisle seat, she made eye contact, waved at us and even did little high fives with the one or the other female fan who dared to initiate a gesture like that (of course I didn't because I am too chicken-shit for that). Once Keiko was gone, Yuriko was also ushered outside. Some of us were still hopeful that we would get an encore, especially since they had closed the exit again but alas we didn't get one. However, we were all in for a special treat when it was time to finally get up and leave. When they started playing the usual after-live announcement it was obvious that there wouldn't be an encore so I took my stuff and headed towards the back door which a staff member was just about to open. That's when I realised that Keiko was standing right outside the door, waiting for the audience members to give each one of us a private send-off. This is a common occurrence with fan club events in Japan but I've never had it happen with Keiko before so this was super special. Also, during and even long after the pandemic, situations with close encounters like that were strictly avoided so I didn't really expect them to do a send-off. Seems like we have finally moved past those restrictions! BANZAI! Anyway, I literally froze in place when I saw Keiko standing there because I was scared to be the first one to be greeted by her. I waited a few seconds so a handful of people could walk out before me. This way I was able to observe what other fans were saying to her and how much time the staff allowed each person with Keiko. I know, it probably sounds ridiculous to you but this sort of stuff stresses me out immensely, I prefer to be at least a tiny bit prepared. I was probably the fifth person to walk outside and most people inside the dome were still putting on their clothes or picking up their stuff so there was not really a line behind me or any type of rush. When I got in front of Keiko, we both did the crazy waving thing again while I thanked her for everything. Then I told her that I am always supporting her from Vienna and she was like, "wow, Vienna, so cool!" At that point it would have probably been my turn to step away since I could tell that the staff member next to Keiko was getting antsy and already preparing to ask me to continue walking. But I wanted to use the opportunity to briefly mention my undying love for the beret I had won during a previous fan club event. As you probably all know, this is my most-prized possession. It's a hat previously owned and frequently worn by Keiko herself, she signed it and even wrote my name on it before shipping it out to me. Being as obsessed with Kalafina fashion as I am, I really couldn't have asked for a better gift. Squeezing all those emotions into a single sentence or two was very hard but I tried my best. I had forgotten how to breathe at that point and my voice was getting super weird. I pointed at my hat and hoped that she would even remember that she had given it away. Then I all but squeaked out how grateful I was to win it and that I would treasure it all my life. She also pointed at it with clear recognition on her face (thank God or it would have been embarrassing XD) and told me with the brightest of smiles, "ah yes, yes, I know, that's amazing, I am so happy for you!" Needless to say, that almost killed me 💀I definitely ascended to another plane of existence that day. I didn't wanna push my luck any further so with a final wave I kept walking towards the reception area and thus ended my Keiko Planetarium experience. Even hours after the event, I was still reeling from everything that had happened.
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My plane was supposed to leave bright and early the following morning so I did not stick around longer than necessary. I said my goodbyes to a couple of fellow fans and then took off. Some of them wanted to invite me to a small after-dinner-party but I just wouldn't have been able to deal with the stress on the eve of my departure.
All right, that's it, hopefully I didn't forget anything and I didn't bore you to death. Kudos to anyone who managed to make it to the end.
PS: I just wanna say that Keiko is the prettiest human being ever. Every time I see her up-close I'm reminded of her other-worldly beauty. Standing right next to her, it doesn't even feel like she is a real person because everything about her looks so smooth and polished, like someone put a filter on top of her XD
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orbital-inclination · 4 months
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Nightmare and rem, with ‘I’ for the ask prompt!
Prompt: I. Broken glass. WC: 927 Feat, angst! again! tentatively takes place in that unnamed AU i have going on. Nightmare and Rem argue about ethics and family. that's it. That's the fic. Thank you for coming to this ted talk, no i'm not sure how i got that from “broken glass” either.
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“Now, why would you do that? Really, Rem. You must work on your temper.” Rem gritted his teeth. He shook his hand and the numbness from his knuckles. Shards of glass sang with sickly sweetness as they fell from his wrist. “Shut up.”
“Watch how you speak to me. I can’t have my men getting the wrong impression.” 
Rem scoffed. He plucked a shard from between his metacarpal and brushing off his sleeve, stepped away from the cabinet. His frustration and anger and worry had gotten the better of him and he’d punched it on impulse. 
To put it simply, his soul was not used to being immersed in so much negativity. The negativity of this universe was overwhelming enough on its own but it was worse here, where Nightmare claimed his throne.
He felt less in control of his magic by the day. The thought scared him.
“Drop the pretense. We both know they’re more than soldiers to you.”
His counterpart stiffened. The tentacles slowed their languid movement. Rem eyed them warily. They almost seemed to have a mind of their own. A mind that sometimes betrayed his alternate’s first impulse. Occasionally, that first impulse was violence.
“Or...” Rem began just as slowly, aware of the very fragile line he was treading. “... are you not ready to admit that, yet?”
“Your attempts to provoke me will not succeed,” Nightmare finally deigned to turn around and look at him, hands clasped behind his back. “Speculation goes both ways. Did you think I wouldn’t catch the pity you feel for them? Killer tells me you’ve been smuggling snacks to Horror.”
Rem kept his face carefully blank. “I wasn’t aware food was something that could be smuggled in your own house.” 
“Ah, but this isn’t your house. This is my house and in my house there are rules that must be followed. One of those rules is that we adhere to a time when we eat and when we don't. I’ve implemented such things for a reason.”
“Rules that I might add, are useless as they are unnecessary.”
Nightmare scowled. “You are too soft with them.” “And you are too strict!” Rem snapped. “Do you not see how much you are holding them back?” Nightmare’s teeth flashed in a restrained snarl. “I do not appreciate what you are insinuating. Do you realize where they would be without me? Without us? Deadend timelines with no hope of a future, of change of any sort. To be stuck in that corpse of a plane for eternity is a cruelty even I would not wish on my worst enemy.”
“Because you provide this ‘choice’—” Rem lifted his hands to make air quotes. At this gesture, Nightmare felt truly affronted. “—you have grown complacent. Do you really think you have their loyalty, when all you have offered them is the bare minimum?”
A strange expression eclipsed his counterpart’s face. Rem did his best not to smirk. “Do you understand my point now? Loyalty is a choice. If given the chance to have something better, what do you think they will choose?”
A low threatening rumble thundered through his counterpart’s chest. He rounded on Rem, to do what, he wasn’t sure, but then Nightmare froze, and almost as quickly as he had turned, that growl transformed into a laugh.
“Ah! I see now. This was your attempt at sowing discord! Bravo.” he shook his head. A step taken forward, and Rem took one step back. 
“A decent try, I must admit, but you underestimated my confidence. This fear of abandonment... It was something we once shared. That’s true. But we’ve diverged enough from each other that fear is no longer relevant.” Nightmare smiled cruelly. “By the nature of the work they do for me... where else would they go? Who would take them in? They have no one. No place to call home. No family left but what little comradery they find in each other... oh? You are disgusted by my words again. Is it not the same for your den of thieves?”
“I would never pretend to offer a choice that did not exist.” Rem hissed. 
“Ah, you heard about what happened with Dust, hm? What happened with him was unfortunate but necessary. But I suppose I can't expect you to understand this. After all, it is more critical for me to feed on a constant source of negativity than it is for you. I wonder... perhaps that’s where this softness comes from. You can feed yourself easily enough in your universe, comparatively. But I am almost always hungry.” 
Nightmare’s eyelight, that deep sea foam green took on a malevolent glint and that Rem did not like. A shiver ran through him, of what could have been; a future he’d narrowly avoided by chance. If he had not sidestepped that axe, if Dream had not returned when he did… was this the kind of person he would have become? 
“I wonder how your brother handles his hunger? Afterall, you are actively chipping away at his source of strength, bit by bit.”
“I am not hurting him,” Rem said defensively. “I am alleviating the curse. The less it’s fed into the weaker it becomes, and the less strain he’s under!”
“Are you?” Nightmare said, softly and wickedly. “Or are you just limiting his potential? Perhaps it's not that he is enduring under too much positivity, but not enough. Consider if the solution to your problem is counter to what you believe.”
He felt sick.
Nightmare grinned. “Well... it’s something to think about, at any rate.”
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skumhuu · 4 months
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Can you explain the terms sire and fledgling and any other terminology? I'm not sure if they're well known terms within the group of people who like vampires and vampiric stuff but I don't know what they mean...
This dreammare vampire AU you've made is where I'm dipping my toes in <3 they're just so AAA
No worries! The definitions change depending on who you ask, especially since people can just take and adjust things to their own preference so here are my personal definitions for these terms :3
Vampire - An immortal undead creature who needs blood to survive, some have bat forms and even wings.
Werewolf - They can turn into wolves, and are influenced by the full moon, they need packs. They're also immortal (I don't wanna think about the twins outliving the pack)
Sire - A vampire that has turned a mortal into another vampire. They will nurture them for 5 to 50 years (usually more, sometimes forever) before the newly fledged vampire becomes independent enough to be on their own. Sires tend to stick with their fledglings for the rest of eternity
Feral - Basically a bloodstarved vampire, or an abandoned fledgling. Nightmare was a Feral for a long time, until he gained the pack as his surrogate sire/coven
Fledgling - Basically a baby vampire, they'll stay with their sire for the rest of eternity, or go off and create their own coven (the bond is never truly destroyed until the sire passes away). If a sire passes away or abandons their fledgling without proper nurturing, they will develop much slower (If at all) and have behavioral issues
Coven - A group of vampires, usually from 5 to 15 members, sometimes more. Sometimes if the sire is like, REALLY bad and just turns a ton of people w/o remorse or care you can end up with a feral coven/pack, who are just bloodthirsty and instinct driven
Pack - A group of werewolves, usually 5 to 15 members. A werewolf cannot be alone without a pack, or they'll become Lone Wolves or Feral.
Surrogate - Vampires and Werewolves can act as stand-in surrogate pack/coven members. Sometimes that can bring animosity due to custody battles LOL
A fledgling/feral creating another fledgling, especially without a sire around for them, ends in tragedy if no other vampire or werewolf steps in.
Due to freezing their bond, not due to death or intentional abandoning, Dream instinctively stopped growing and never left his fledgling state. It was basically a defense mechanism to give his sire, Nightmare, time to grow enough to properly take care of him. Dream has no idea, he honestly thinks he's grown enough to be separate from Nightmare.
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nordsea-horizons · 5 months
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the next project for my island nordsea💛💛
i’ve had many island projects over the time acnh has existed and have truly enjoyed them all, however there is something i’ve always wanted to try that i finally feel like im ready to explore on my island🫢💛
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last year i did one brand new seasonal island for nordsea per season!! and i had fun with it dont get me wrong, however it made something very clear to me that i’ve always felt about my decorating in acnh. the fact that its very hard to keep the same island through different seasons in game! the codes, items, flowers, variations of stuff and even trees look soooo different each season, which is lovely but also hard to work around!! none of the 4 islands i made looked good in the opposite season of the one it was set in! i feel fine about this, BUT! could it be possible to keep the same island looking essentially the same way all year round(yes obviously, people have done it) BUT! could it be done by me in a way i actually like!???
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i’ve had more than 10 islands in this game, i feel like i should now be able to know what i like and how to make a true all-year round island! one that looks good to me, is fun to play on and can be changed up for the holidays and seasons in a way i can manage and will actually do! im gonna try and do this as an island-build-up series where i go over the why’s and how’s in the process of building and decorating😌 hope its gonna be somewhat fun, i promise the rest wont be this text heavy btw!! and hopefully i can finish the actual island soon and spend most of the time doing seasonal/holiday updates! excited to show the first stuff i make on the maybe(hopefully) true forever-island version of my island Nordsea💛
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the-nysh · 8 months
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Oh Meryl.....:') This will be a longpost commentary on the events of Trimax vol5 & 6 primarily from her perspective, so let's get into it!
Alright, so remember the foreshadowing in Meryl's line about seeing Vash's 'entire enigmatic past' from Trimax vol3?!
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Well in Trimax vol5 all that becomes true! When getting 'touched by an angel' directly connects her to Vash's memories through contact with his feathers, she gets a front row seat to personally SEE, feel, and experience ALL the worst pain and trauma Vash has endured over his functionally immortal lifetime of horrors!!! Bearing witness to just how heavy a burden of sorrow and torment he's suffered carried with him that she's always wondered about; now she knows the full context of everything.
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From witnessing his lone struggles as a younger child first learning how to use a gun, grinding through all his bloody mistakes, losses, and failures, to the worst calamity that he, as a transformed nonhuman 'gun' himself, became capable of unleashing on the planet: the terrifying destruction of July itself.
As Vash regains his lost memories of July through a meltdown of grief, regrets and revelations of his own (how firing his power inadvertently killed everyone he knew and loved), all at once, his pain while reliving those horrors of the past resonates to become her pain. (Remember this for vol6!)
And just to grab a mic to reiterate, Meryl is only a normal human woman here, with no special powers or superhuman training to prepare her how to handle any of this! (This disaster exceeds her realm of expertise!) She’s also the only one who gets to see, understand, and resonate with the entirety of Vash’s pain and feelings on such a direct, private, and literally mind-melding intimate level of connection. (Linking the human with the inhuman/monstrous.) So of course she’s terrified! Being thrust into such an unprecedented dangerous situation, witnessing inescapable horrors beyond human comprehension, AND by getting a very real demonstration of Vash’s power (on the verge of exploding out of control) and his transformed inhumanity RIGHT UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL!  
So it’s truly a testament to her mental fortitude and resilience that she didn’t just break from the information overload or succumb to the level of despair and terror right there--no, she bravely keeps her wits about her, and despite everything she remains on Vash’s side, shooting first to defend him (aiming right for Legato using the gun she picked up from Zazie's corpse) as the one who breaks the multiple-way stalemate between all their enemies instead! GO MERYL!!!!
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(It's why this moment's probably one of my top favorites in the whole manga!!! ;o;) Cause the entire time, even while under severe mental distress, crawling through the rubble with his powers and feathers surging everywhere, Vash had kept her safe and physically unharmed within his wings, and then her first action upon surfacing was to take charge to protect him in turn!! I love it; cause even during such a dire emergency and all the mental stress she's put under while in the heat of the moment, her faith and dedication (to fight without hesitation at his side) still aim true~
And even after Legato critically pushes the crisis from bad to worse, to the point Vash is provoked into almost firing his Angel Arm in feral-retaliation to stop him (holy foreshadowing of their future duel!) with Meryl literally stuck in the middle of all this chaos (while shocked, powerless, and terrified--bless her heart) as Vash struggles to regain control of himself...
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(Note: even Wolfwood was blown back by the surging energy, but with Meryl literally RIGHT THERE under Vash, it's amazing she didn't get hit being that close to him.) ...she STILL doesn't run away from him once the dust settles, and is in fact the first one to approach him in concern to ask if he's ok after...
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(So whew, a relieved round of applause for Meryl remaining strong in the active face of so much strife!!) The immediate aftermath of this whole experience gives her the tangible proof and perspective from Vash to understand and fear that Knives--as his twin in power but having the actual intent to destroy the world behind it, is fully capable of ending humanity's future.
Of course, the experience doesn't also leave her unscathed without any lasting mental scars to cope with...as Trimax vol6 so graciously shows us how things will always Get Worse before they can get better...
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Where sure enough, she's already having difficultly sleeping with night terrors and loss of appetite--it's honestly no surprise the terrible experience has given her symptoms of ptsd she'd be made of something unbelievably superhuman if she weren't affected, and consulting with Wolfwood unfortunately doesn't offer her anything (helpful) she doesn't already know...(cause at this point, she's literally seen more of Vash, especially the amount suddenly exposed to all at once, than Wolfwood could possibly know how to advise her on. He's still struggling with plenty of his own fears vs loyalties towards Vash himself.)
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Only that he stresses the importance she weighs her options now to make the decision to quit her job while she still can (a choice and the freedom to 'get out' that Wolfwood comparatively doesn't have under direct orders from Knives) to remove herself and Milly from getting further involved with Vash--specifically the life-threatening danger he poses as a living weapon (despite his best intentions and character as a person!) set to explode with the firepower to raze the world--if Meryl values her life.
But truly, how does Meryl feel about that? What does she value and care for more, that'd be most important to her--her life or her job? Is following Vash (surveilling him for 'risk management') more than just a job to her at this point? What about her feelings towards him as a person--the man she already knows, vs her need to reconcile with the truth (that he's not even human!) that she didn't know until just recently. Is the level of imminent danger and risk she's putting herself into, now that she fully understands how dire, truly worth it (for him) this time? And if she still truly cares for him, does it even matter what he is? Despite any pros or cons and conflicting feelings about it, which will ultimately remain the stronger reason compelling her choice to stay?
Whew! She has many things to evaluate and consider going forward, especially if she wants to continue at his side. (And as Wolfwood stresses, continuing puts Milly at risk too, so that's even more weight/responsibility to balance on Meryl's shoulders.) Including processing the very nature of her fears--to identify what it is that truly terrifies her (is it truly Vash or something else?) before she can hope to face or overcome them. Before this biggest hurdle tips the scales to debilitate her resolve or outright prevents her from continuing her job at all. For now, she thinks and relates back to the firepower she gained when she first fired a gun...
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And ah, HERE IT IS, she recalls what's scared her the most from her own past memories: "I gained the power of death at my fingertips. It was terrifying." Cause the first time she ever shot a person and realized the weight of the power she holds, she hated it. Shocked, collapsed, paralyzed, coming undone in the streets, closing herself off from others, regretting her action terribly... It was all too much. (Sound...familiar to the guilt and regrets of someone else we know? Meryl's shooting style is also notably non-lethal...because she too doesn't like to kill! When her first time wielding 'death' with her Derringers upset her this badly that she needed to adjust to be able to continue her job that required arming herself with this type of power...)
So remember when she resonated with the pain of Vash's memories? Seeing when he first struggled learning how to use a gun too, and all the blood and loss that accompanied it? However...his experiences didn't just end there, with only his first time shooting a person.....cause the first time he shot his real power (without him knowing what would happen) he caused the destruction of an entire city, killing everyone he loved in it! He didn't just 'gain the power of death at his fingertips,' he literally BECAME it, armed with the power to end the world. Hating and regretting his action so terribly, the catastrophe traumatized him with amnesia and led to a full-blown meltdown in grief and despair once he finally remembered. With Meryl there, witnessing and feeling all of it along with him. (His pain became her pain; his trauma became hers...)
That the sheer magnitude of wielding that kind of terror, as an intrinsic, inseparable part of himself (unlike a handheld gun you can choose to put down; he can't), let alone carrying the fear of it going out of control again if he's not careful, is indescribable. And if Meryl can now understand the gravity of that in relation to her own gun experiences (when the memory of firing her Derringers was already enough crushing weight for her to fear) then as the peace-loving person she knows him to be, who's always tried his hardest not to kill anyone, the crushing multitudes she knows he must feel now upon recovering his memories filled with so much death unleashed by his own hands must be unbearable. Feeling precisely just how much MORE terrifying and overwhelming the burden must be for him. It makes her wonder HOW can he still even bring himself to pull the trigger?!
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Just look at Meryl's collapsed posture, it's the same she felt in her own past experiences...only this time it's directed in relation towards him--almost expressed in his place for the crushing weight he must feel. She's outright screaming/crying/bawling for him in empathy for the pain he must feel every time he's forced to fight and shoot someone with so much baggage behind it. Oh Meryl....:') (This is probably the strongest we've seen her cry for him...and it certainly won't be the last she cries in concern to relieve the pain of his burden.)
And Meryl, watching him fight on regardless, becomes struck and speechless for another reason, as she realizes how much his incredible strength and fortitude allow him to push past his unbearable pain to continue his job: "I felt...his determination is even stronger than the regret he carries."
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Which is true, for the same stronger feeling that compelled him to stop at nothing, despite being on the verge of total collapse bearing his regrets of July, when he grit and forced himself to continue on his mission to save her from the Dragon's Nest. :') This is how he does it; how he continues to fight for what's important. (And yes she was that important, as the thought of losing her like his loved ones at July, is what fueled his determination back then to keep going.)
However, the struggle is never easy, as Vash, for his own part, masked behind his new goggle-edged glasses and kind Rem-like smiles 'as usual,' has not been coping well behind closed doors at all. (That Meryl could even sense an air of unusually 'off' distant/detached/avoidant behavior from him that she asks Milly about it.) We see him immersing himself in thousands of rounds of (non-lethal) target practice til his hand bleeds, and when drilling that level of focus + exposure isn't enough to take the edge off, he visits a church during service to hear a sermon on forgiveness...only for him to deem it hopeless there's no possible release from his sins when he can't even forgive himself, and there's even evidence he'd been drinking in not-quite-so savory (healthy or responsible) ways--unsettling even Wolfwood that something's uncannily off with him. (All being different attempted coping methods to drown out and escape the pain of his past regrets, but even Vash knows it's impossible now to forget...)
So all it takes is one slip-up when he's depressed off his game for everything to tumble into a trainwreck... Where Meryl seeing him block a bullet with his powers (instead of his usual self-aware dodging?) triggers all that terror to come flooding back into a panic attack.
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Where it's truly unfortunate (and oh it hurts...) as an accident, something involuntary--a messy, instinctual reaction completely beyond either of their control. Cause Meryl didn't anticipate her ptsd to manifest and incapacitate her like this! that a single flash of his feathers would remind her of Everything--of all the worst horrors those powers are capable of when unleashed, the weaponized death and terror it represents, and the very moment she felt and experienced all of it while trapped powerless and panicked to do anything... No no no, returning to that headspace is horrible; it's all still too fresh to relive and TOO MUCH trauma for a human like her to bear; she couldn't help coming undone in the streets in a far worse way than she's ever had before (and I don't blame her.)
And Vash didn't mean to publically out himself as a nonhuman 'monster' to everyone either, when tensions were already high following Knives' mass murders for them to link the same culpability towards him, while he's still struggling to get a handle on his newly awakened powers too--ohshit indeed when they suddenly manifest and the truth breaches containment freaking everybody out in a witch-hunting mob of scorn, fear, misunderstandings, and hatred. (Ouch...)
What's more, Vash probably didn't even know Meryl had seen his memories, or had been affected by his trauma to such an overwhelming degree--since the transfer happened more as an autonomous side effect of his powers activating rather than anything he purposely intended....(once again, unintended consequences beyond his control; he never meant to cause any of this harm!!) So from his perspective he probably doesn't fully understand how to interpret her distress (apart from the crowd's?!) or know what to do to help. Cause reactions from strangers are one thing to bear, but if he sees her reaction to him--and his nonhuman display, as anything like theirs...then it's so much worse cause it's Meryl, who's known and been with him since the beginning. She's someone important he cares for...and now she's hurt and visibly scared from yet again another mistake he can't undo. ohno ohno he knows he messed up...
(Plus poor Milly has no context to understand what's wrong, or why Meryl's so upset either, since she'd been knocked out during the later parts of the Dragon's Nest to know what happened. So now she's alarmed and concerned trying to process why everything's suddenly gone to shit, anchoring Meryl the best she can, while shaken by the pain and cruelty Vash endures in such a situation masked with a smile...)
Despite the stones thrown by the crowd (nooo~) Vash's first priority concern is to run straight over to check on Meryl...
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*And here's where I scream bloody murder* Cause that single flinch--from reaching towards her with that arm too, probably hurts him more than any of those stones thrown at him in hatred and revulsion that he's a monster. Cause to him it probably reads as a perceived rejection from Meryl (noooo~), and the amount he's hurt from realizing he's the one who hurt her this way....ohhhhh his crushing guilt must be heart-shattering...;A;
But there's no time, as before Meryl's even ready to speak or clarify how she feels, the choice she previously had on whether she wants to leave or stay is taken from her as Vash is the one who's forced to leave her instead. :')) The only thing Vash can do is repeatedly apologize as he runs away he can't even say goodbye--Wolfwood has to say that for him...and admit to Wolfwood how much he 'really feels like crying.'
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(And once again poor Milly, left with no other explanations, can only read how much his pained empty mask of a smile has broken...)
What sucks even more, is knowing how much Meryl had already empathized with his pain (she could already feel that strongly for him!) and being in no condition to explain herself or her fears to him, once her panic subsides, she's bound to feel that much more terrible with guilt from realizing how her reaction (especially her flinch) had unintentionally hurt and pushed him away....leading towards a bad result she simply couldn't help and had no power to change...what a disaster.
But is someone as usually brave and tenacious like Meryl going to let that be the end of it? Broken on a disastrous parting and painful misunderstanding (she never meant to 'reject' him!!!) she literally had no say over? What of her brand of determination--especially towards what she feels (and decides) is most important, becoming stronger than the pain and regrets she carries? (Just like Vash! Can she find it within her to continue, or start over, inspired just as he does?)
Her struggle now becomes finding that strength (even a driving belief) to tentatively (re)build that trust and acceptance between them towards recovery. To endure, fight, and conquer those horrors to bridge (reconnect) the gap between the human and monstrous that separates them. (Especially if she truly cares and wants to do it--for the sake of what Matters, for what'll make the effort Worth it.) It'll be huge and seemingly insurmountable for any other person bearing the same strife she carries, but you can do it Meryl, I believe in you~~
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captainmera · 6 months
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How do you think Belos would react if he found out Hunter had feelings for Willow,a witch, just like his brother?
As a man of repetitive patterns - I'd say he'd kill him?
"It hurts every time he chooses to betray me"
can mean lots of ways Caleb betrayed Philip. It's vague and Philip gets to interpret it however he wants for every new grimwalker. It's almost like he expects it of them - otherwise, why always have one in the making?
Betrayal of wanting to be himself. Betrayal of loving a witch. Betrayal of loving the demon realm. Betrayal of disagreeing with ideologies. Betrayal of wanting to quit the coven system/Golden guard. Betrayal of running away.
Essentially, Hunter checks every mark of betrayal.
"you looked the most like him" <- WELL, DING DONG BELOS THE NEWS IS HERE; YOUR NEPHEW IS MORE ALIKE CALEB IN OTHER WAYS THAN LOOKS ALONE!
Unless there was a reason of absolute that caused Belos to refrain from killing Hunter, if he has a use for him he no longer can get from anything or anyone else (making a new grimwalker might not be on the table anymore, for one), I think it would just be a matter of time before he kills Hunter too.
Put a mental pin in this note: No new grimwalkers mean no new person to exercise his cycle of reliving trauma and self-abuse with.
I don't think there is anything Hunter could've done. He would never have been who and what Belos wanted. Belos would have killed him.
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I think the psychology, if I may be so bold and a little controversial here, is that Philip has a genuine trauma (as per definition of it) in regards to Caleb.
Here's something about trauma, yeah? It's not just innocent people who get it. Awful, horrible, people get trauma too. Sometimes, they are awful horrible people because of trauma.
In Philip's case, I think he was traumatized by the abandonment - as well as the humongous moral injury on top of it when finding out his brother chose to leave him and was happier now.
Side note: You know when you have a bully, then you grow up and you've had this awful life because you were traumatised by this person's abuse to you. In whatever extent it was. Could've been one moment, or a long period of time. Whatever it was, it left a significant mark on you that stagnated your life. As an adult, you look them up. Surely, a person who does that can't just... move on, right? There must have been karma, something! Anything! Divine justice! Nope. They just have a happy life, this whole time. People even love them.. And there you are. Broken.
Kind of the same vibe but a bit to the left.
Did you know that killers suffer ptsd?
It makes sense. Soldiers does! They're just people in war. But killers, you know, people who kill in self-defence or set out to kill for whatever reason in the context of regular society (and not in lines of war or duty). They actually, majority of the time, get trauma from it.
Soldiers don't need to have psychopathic tendencies to be able to kill another human being. Nobody does.
I don't think Belos began as a psychopath, 'nor a sociopath or a narcissist. I think he is a normal dude, whom due to trauma and repetitive re-living of that trauma has skewed his view of reality to such an extreme that he frankly just.... is functionally delusional.
He is a smart dude, who got crazy and scary, because he is delusional, wounded and functional.
Belos seeks his trauma out in a new setting where he has control over what happens. He sets it up the same every time. Has the same result every time.
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He is a self-abuser.
Sometimes people seek out to revisit the trauma they experience, but in a way where they are in control of what happens.
Serial killers are interesting in this factor. Especially if we go by the stereotypical reason why male serial killers do what they do - Developing a need to impose power and murder the person they cant actually murder. Projecting to the extremes. At it's core, it's just the chase to impose power over a situation they had no power in.
In Belos case, is by all accounts a serial killer! ...With delusions of grandeur and lives in a delusional version of what reality actually is.
He absolutely slots right into that.
Consciously or not, he's trying to exert control over Caleb, the person who caused his trauma and, in his eyes, his abuse. Caleb leaving was, to Belos, abuse. By definition anyway, yeah. Unfortunately, if it hurts the person, yeah. That doesn't mean Caleb owes him shit though.
Killing Caleb was, most likely, very traumatic.
So, the moral injury of betrayal, coupled with murdering Caleb, possibly caused this cycle of murder.
I know some people are going to read this and cringe all "Don't call it trauma" but it is. It is trauma. Trauma is not some moral debate, it's an injury on the psyche or emotional state, your soul even. It is a wound.
And wounds can heal, and they can.. like in Belos case... Just escalate and consume them.
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Belos just didn't fucking COPE.
Like, this would have been so different if he just COPED. But he has no friends, no family, he's isolated and wounded and single minded and scientific. It's all the right and wrong things to shape him into a dude that... did. not. cope.
And being HUNDREDS OF YEARS OLD just living and breathing and doing NOTHING ELSE than committing your ENTIRE EXISTENCE to this repetition... This wound.. Dissecting it over and over and over and over AND OVER.. Well...! There he is!
Belos, everyone!
What a dick. :V
People rarely want to discuss the ugly of mental illness. And the horrible people trauma can create.
In no shape or form am I excusing Belos behaviour or actions, just explaining the road it might've gotten there.
Again, it's not just the innocents that can have trauma.
I've personally met people who just.. They're an endless cycle. They were traumatized, they became not-so-great people... Never coped. Made it their whole identity.
And they think, because they're hurting; it's fair game to hurt others. Because to them it's not reaaal hurt. Because only victims hurt, right? And they were a victim once, they feel like a victim, they still live in that role.
And abusers are bad, victims are good. So they will never admit that they can do wrong. In their mind, they're the good guy forever. And you saying otherwise means you must be a bad one.
Some people, not all and not majority, finds control and comfort in remaining the victim - meaning they can never ever be the abuser in their mind either. Thus, starting a new cycle where they hand out abuse in the disguise of "love" or demanding "love" from someone.
Belos, absolutely, sees himself as the good guy. The one who was BETRAYED. He fails to see that he is betraying his brother, his long line of nephews- his own humanity even.
Everyone else (grimwalkers) is the bad guy if they don't become the one to heal them (belos), or cater to their needs.
Suddenly, it's your job to ensure they're okay, not hurting. And you will, because you love them. Right? If you didn't, you're a bad person. And you don't want to be that, do you? Disappoint them?
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Belos, also, by repeatedly committing the murder of his brother is continuously abusing himself and re-traumatising himself. Death and empathy would wain and fade out. With practice comes perfection.
Basically he's training himself to feel less, because he has deluded himself into thinking the inhabitants of the Demon Realm aren't actual people - so it's okay. To him. To kill them.
And by murdering, and feeling less empathy per murder, coupled with his scientific desire to explore and dissect to understand as a way to (like doctors do) dehumanise the carcass he's working on, it's no wonder he started feeling less empathy.
And saw this growing lack of empathy as... Well, proof. Proof he's right. They aren't people.
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With all this being said...
I don't think this is something he could repent from. It would take twice the time it took for him to get to this point. What? 300-400 years? so... 600-800 more just to give him a chance to repent?
Now, could HE heal from it? I'm sure he could. But that would not include being forgiven or going without punishment - if that punishment is death, yeah. sorry man. Off with your head.
ANYWAY.
Hunter and his uncle.
Belos abuse exerted upon Hunter is, in many forms, guided to shape Hunter into being the version of Caleb Belos wants Caleb to be.
But, also having this subconscious understanding that this boy is NOT his brother, and calling him his nephew and even giving him a name that symbolises what he wishes Caleb to be (Hunter, Witch Hunter. You could even say the GG is a general - so, witch hunter general).
All of this, possibly, as deranged as it is - in an attempt to reverse the roles.
Belos gets to be Caleb (the person who held "power" in the dynamic), gets to be admired, the way Philip admired his brother, which is now Hunter loving his uncle.
While still weirdly parading his nephew as his brother.
I think the psychology is layered in several ways here.
He he is forcing Hunter to be all of the vulnerable parts of his own younger self, while also forcing him to be everything he wanted his older brother to be. Making Hunter both an embodiment of what he hates in himself as well as what he admired in Caleb.
A very contradictory combo that, no doubt, would make Hunter's life hell to try understand - it's not a secure attachment, to have a violently out bursting parental figure that flip-flops between loving what you do for them but hating a vague invisible something you'll never understand that you also are.
Hunter's familial love is genuine, I don't doubt Belos has familial feelings towards Hunter. But I think, because he is so desensitised and on some level of delusion knows the grimwalkers will never be "good enough", that he is both emotionally and mentally prepared to watch life exit his nephew's eyes. So the attachment isn't a normal one.
He reduce it to the degree of putting the family dog out. Like "oh, it does hurt me, but I can get a new dog." kind of feelings.
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Which is like, holy shit dude. What the actual hell is wrong with you.
But that's just... That's who the trauma has turned him into.
Yeah...!
Yeah!
I mean.. I'm not surprised..! Are you?
Humans can create the worst of monsters. Not because they have a negatively affiliated diagnosis like narcissism. But because the conditions were just right (or wrong) enough to make this genocidal maniac.
:l
So, long answer made short:
As a man of repetitive patterns - I'd say he'd kill him.
just straight up bye bye nephew. <:')
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THIS WAS LONGER THAN EXPECTED.... I'M GOING TO HAVE LUNCH NOW.
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books · 7 months
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Writing Workshop Week 2: Paying Attention
Welcome back, writers of tumblr! I’ve loved reading your prompt fills for Week 1 and answering your insightful questions, and I’m looking forward to seeing what you come up with for this next prompt.
Last week we talked about the things we love, the things we go and retrieve, that we can hold in our hands. This week we’re talking about loving the things that find us, the parts of the world that come into our gaze by happenstance. In other words, the anatomic matter of all art: observation. 
Observation relies on attention, and our ability to attend relies on circumstance. It’s impossible to pay attention to everything at once, so the mind selects what to notice and what to ignore. Sometimes we attribute conclusions to our observations and move into perception. I think as children we make great observers, but when we grow up and gather enough experiences, we fall into the trap of mundanity. Things we’ve seen before and that we’ll see again, so they’re not worthy of note—eating breakfast, putting on your shoes, going to a restaurant and telling the host how many people are in your party. 
The art of noticing, of curating all the rich details of life, is a fight against mundanity. To do that, you have to carry your inner child around with you, pointing things out that you’ve seen a hundred times before and allowing yourself to witness them with new eyes. As writers, newness is a skill we can always improve. 
Airports are one way I practice newness. If I have to choose between a one-hour layover and a six-hour layover, I’ll always choose the latter. There’s no mundanity in airports. Aside from employees and people who travel frequently for business, everyone is doing something outside of their usual routine, and it’s so much easier to soak up the minutiae that we otherwise miss when we’re walking our usual daily paths. 
On Love
Someone once told me, “Love is paying attention.” The person who told me this was an artist and her subject was her family. Portraiture of the people she loved was the closest attention she could offer. And I agree—you naturally attend to that which you love. When you love a person, you pay attention to the clothes they wear, the tenor of their laugh, their mannerisms, the things they carry in their purse or pockets. But I think it can also be expanded: the more attention you pay to yourself, the more you love yourself. The more attention you pay to the world, the more you love the world. This idea can be a two-way street: love will direct your attention; attention will lead you to love. In other words, if you practice paying attention, you will come to love things more than you already do.
A quick note about neurodivergence: some people attend to the world differently than others, in different patterns and with different guiding forces. Some people have the ability to shift attention quickly, and some slowly. Some people have more control over their attention than others. Some people attend more closely to certain senses (like hearing or feeling) than others. Wherever you’re at, whatever is driving your ability to notice, use it as a strength. There is no mode of observation that is inherently better or worse than another.
Many writers struggle with motivation to write. I have come to reluctantly agree that there is some discipline necessary in being a writer. I don’t believe in “butt in chair every day” mentality, but I do think any skill requires a patterned dedication no matter what your practice looks like. A self-promise. That promise is much more easily kept if you focus on love. 
I don’t mean writing love stories (although that’s often what motivates me). I mean sincerely meditating on what love means to you. What you love, who you love. I’ve participated in so many generative workshops and there’s always a moment I receive a prompt and go, “I have no idea what to write about.” And then I ask myself, “What do I love?” Many things come to me, both big and small, abstract and concrete. I love my family and friends. I love to travel. I love holding a book in my hands and the satisfaction of turning its pages. I love parts of myself and I don’t love others, and this is something I’m working on. 
When you ask the question, “What do I write about?” the answer can always be love. When I ask my students to write about what they love, some of them write about their relationships—the joy of a present relationship or the ache of a past one. They write about their hobbies and friends and interests. Once I had a boy write twenty pages of poetry about frogs. Some people write about passion that toes the edge of love and hate. Love is not always good. Love can be destructive. It can motivate people to cruelty; it can distort perception. Love can be complicated and weird. Love can lead to regret. But love is a strong feeling, and strong feelings drive creativity. 
On Sharing
I think sharing the things you notice, the way you see the world, is an act of love. Carrying around your inner child to show them what they’ve never seen is a way to nourish yourself, replenish what you expend. You can apply this to any aspect of writing you want to work on. If you want to set a story where you live, you can go around your city pretending you’re showing it to someone who’s never been there. If you want to develop your characters, pretend you’re about to introduce a close friend to someone else, and you know they’re going to get along once they meet. If you want to better explore your themes, pretend you’re talking to someone who has no concept at all of your worldview, who maybe has an opposing worldview but is interested in learning yours.
People, especially writers, can be so afraid to put themselves into the world. To see and be seen. But when you begin to view sharing as an act of love, it becomes easier to listen, to bear witness and say, “Thank you for sharing that with me.” And when you say that enough to others, it also becomes easier to share yourself, in hopes that you’ll be met with gratitude.
Prompt time!
What I’d like you to do today—or tomorrow, if it’s late—is to notice three things. Three seemingly insignificant details, things you would otherwise forget or maybe not even see (or feel, hear, etc.). Bonus points if you write them down in a notebook, but the notes app on your phone will do.
Even if you don’t want to do it, simply by virtue of reading this, I think you’ll begin noticing things. If you’re a very observant person with a good working memory, maybe you can think of three things you observed earlier, and maybe that’s effortless for you. If this is you, your task is to write not just three observations, but three paragraphs of observation throughout the day. 
Here’s an example: I am at this aesthetically pleasing coffee shop but I’m concentrating on the flimsy paper menu fluttering beneath a fan, held down with a ceramic plate. The tapping sound of my sister’s acrylic nails on her MacBook. My own self-consciousness that everyone has a better sense of style than I do. One of the baristas is a young man who looks like an ex of mine, and I’m wondering where that ex is, if his hairline has fully receded, if he still works at FedEx, if he ever married that nice veterinarian’s assistant who was way too good for him and always wore tye-dyed t-shirts for some reason, and I honestly liked her a lot, she seemed like a genuinely good person, and he knew it too and that was why he treated her well, so why had he treated me so poorly? 
And now I have a narrative question: Why do people hurt some loved ones and not others? What is it about the chemistry two people make that causes this to happen? The only way to answer these questions is to either live it all again and take notes—and I’ve had too much therapy for that—or write a story about characters navigating this chasm I’ve found in my understanding of being human. And I got all that from sitting here on this uncomfortable stool in this nondescript coffee shop, hanging out with my sister on a Friday afternoon.
I recommend taking an entire day to find your three things. You’ll find many more than three, but for the purpose of this activity, I think focusing on the three most interesting or compelling ones is best. Once you have your three things I’d like you to work them all into a piece of writing. Here are some ways you can approach this:
If you want to write nonfiction, write about your day, focusing on building around your three things to eventually pull a story out of them, the way I did above. Follow the associations and memories that arrive to you.  
If you want to write fiction, write those three details into a new story or the world of your current work in progress. If you’re not sure how, make the first your inciting incident, put the second in the middle of the story, and end the piece with the third. 
If you want to write poetry, make a poem of your three observations, and note what happens to the meaning when you squeeze three disparate observations together. 
If you want to do something experimental, convey your three things with a stylistic constraint of your choice. For example, write only in sentence fragments (by that I mean, no verbs).  
A quick caveat: You might be thinking, but Betts, I write science fiction (or fantasy, horror, etc.) and so nothing in reality is of relevance to me. I would argue that everything you perceive in reality can be applied to all things that are created. You think they don’t have pretentious coffee shops in space? Well, maybe not. And definitely not in a magical version of medieval Europe. But there might be something akin to a nondescript strip mall in Midwest America with cracked asphalt, half abandoned, with some kind of sketchy dentist or urgent care in it and a vape shop. Every place, even places that don’t exist, possess some realistic texture, and when you render these images, that space becomes real to the reader. You could argue, even, that the goal of genre fiction is the highest possible suspension of disbelief. And the only way to do that is to make the world you build feel as lived-in as reality.
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Questions? Ask ‘em here before EOD Tuesday so @bettsfic can answer them on Wednesday. And remember to tag your work #tumblr writing workshop with betts if you want her to read your work and possibly feature it on Friday!
And, for those just joining us: @bettsfic is running a writing workshop on @books this month. Want to know more? Start here.
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tarysande · 8 months
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On Grief. And On Friendship. On Memory. And Love.
When my grandmother died, we didn't have a traditional funeral. We didn't wear black. We didn't sit around, solemn and silent. We told stories. We ate food she would have liked and drank Bailey's with cream. We got to do it together, of course, and we got to cry and hug and mourn and laugh and sing.
I'm sure all of us have heard some version of the phrase "online friendships aren't REAL friendships." I know I have. I've never understood it, either. For me, in all my neurodiverse glory, online friendships are often MORE REAL. Where else can you meet people and immediately jump into all the things you have in common? All the shared loves and hates and hyperfixations? Where else can you just bypass small-talk and, as Anne of Green Gables would say, find bosom friends so quickly? I've met so many online.
I honestly don't remember when I met Sara/@dearophelia. When I look through my tags, I know it's been at least seven years. I'm certain it's been longer because she definitely had username changes. And I am total shit at remembering username changes. More than once, I've told myself I should keep a spreadsheet. I'm pretty sure I've known her almost as long as I've been on tumblr, and that's more than a decade.
When Sara got sick, I finally used that tumblr function that notifies you whenever a blog updates. I wasn't around tumblr as regularly, but I didn't want to miss anything Sara might say. I hoped that one day I'd get the notification that everything was clear, she was in remission.
I didn't. Today, I got what will be the final notification from her blog--@vhenadahls sharing the information that Sara passed away. That there wouldn't be anymore updates. No more reblogs. No more snarky comments in the tags or gushing comments in the tags.
If this were a room and everyone who loved Sara, who enjoyed her fanfic (with or without knowing the woman behind it!), who has listened to her playlists, who played ME3 multiplayer with her, who was in any way touched by her in a way that brought their lives joy, it would be so full. We would all have stories to share. We'd all have memories to relive.
This room would be decorated with labradorite and pink and fat birbs and cats. There would be so much music--Taylor Swift and Halsey and Florence and the Machine and Hozier and so many many others. There would be a million fabulous selfies on the walls of Sara's huge smile and her vulnerability and her bravery. There would be gaming knickknacks and D&D dice and tarot decks and crystals and magic and books on every surface. All her faves would be represented. And it would still only brush the surface of how vibrant she was and how deeply and enthusiastically she loved what she loved.
If this were a room where we could also add all the characters she created, whose stories so many of us loved ... well, it would have to be awfully big. Sara wrote a lot of stories for a lot of fandoms.
And if this were a room where we and her characters were gathered, but we opened the doors for all the characters and stories that Sara helped inspire, helped grow, encouraged and enabled, well, I know a whole lot of my characters and stories would be here, too. I'm sure I decided to create Rose Trevelyan because of some conversation Sara and I had where I was imagining Rose Vakarian-Shepard grown up.
Sara, I'm really sorry I didn't get to finish the Vakarian-Shepard stories before you left. Most writers write for themselves, sure, but often they also write for specific readers. Sara was always one of mine, but I don't think she knew it. I lived for her gushing tag-comments. I loved when she was always so quick to jump in with prompts.
I'm honored that I was someone with whom Sara shared her original fic work. (She also once shared an absolutely horrifying scene with Garrus and Shepard's clones that she cut from Nora's story because it was just TOO AWFUL. In fact, she shared it with me BECAUSE IT WAS SO AWFUL and she knew I'd appreciate it.) In my heart of hearts, I wanted Sara to finish that original story and publish it. I wanted us to be part of each other's group of writer-friends (you know, you always see them thanking each other in their books). Hell, I wanted to have a small press at some point just SO I could publish Sara's stories. I believed in her THAT MUCH.
I love Sara's stories. I love her playlists. I love her blog, with its hodgepodge of interests and loves. I love her imagination and creativity and attention to detail. I love that I can still visit that mind by reading the bounty of work she left behind.
I mean, she made me wholeheartedly buy into a relationship between Shepard's mom and ZAEED.
Sara was one of the constants in my online life over the last decade. Even if we hadn't chatted for a while, I always knew we could pick up again like no time had passed (thanks, ADHD). As I write this, there's a little chat circle on the bottom right of my tumblr screen with her avatar in it and I can't bear the thought of hitting that X button and never seeing it pop up again.
Sara struggled and loved and fought and overcame and breathed and was brave. Not just in the past few years, when she was sick. As long as I knew her. And she didn't let anything stop her. She snarled in the face of it all and wrote stories so beautiful they broke my heart and then pieced it back together again in the same paragraph.
I miss her. I will always miss her. But I'm so happy I got to know her as long as I did. She'll live on in my memories, in my stories, in the characters she helped inspire. She'll live on every time I look at my favorite tarot deck--she was the first person I yelled at when I bought it--and when I see fat birbs and cute-maybe-evil cats. And if that's not REAL friendship, real love, I don't know what is.
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