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my-castles-crumbling · 7 months

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I Always Wanted a Brother

AU: Trans Regulus

Thinking about turning this into a full-length fic. Would love (constructive) opinions!

DISCLAIMER/TW: This discusses internal and general transphobia so the ideas expressed here are not always true/healthy/accurate. it is also from the POV of a child who is not well-versed on queer identities, so some things are purposely inaccurate.

The first time it had happened was when he was small.

He couldn’t remember the exact age, but it was small enough that he was still too short to reach the floor when he sat on the big chairs in the formal dining room. He was still too little to properly recognize the feelings that washed through him that day.

His mother had forced them into the stuffiest of clothing for a family dinner- their extended relatives were coming and Walburga expected only the best from her children. Having been raised on the most conservative Pureblood ideals, the Black heirs were expected to be pristine and perfect.

Sirius, grumbling and muttering, had been forced into a starched set of dress robes, complete with collar and ruffle.

Regulus wore a dress.

It was tight in the worst places, and flowy in others, and he felt as if he couldn’t properly breathe. Not because it was too tight, but because it was wrong.

His stomach lurched as he looked in the mirror.

Wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

“Sirius, I can’t wear this,” he whispered, just loud enough for his older brother to hear.

But Sirius didn’t seem to understand. “You think I’m any happier?” he groused, pulling at the ruffles on his cuffs.

And so Regulus sighed, and went through the day, feeling as if his skin was crawling as he went. Goosebumps erupted on the back of his neck every time he caught his reflection on any shiny surface. It was excruciating, even as a small child.

It was only later, as he crawled under Sirius’s covers and they whispered back and forth about cousin Bella’s awful haircut that he asked, “Sirius, why do you never have to wear dresses?”

And Sirius gave him a strange look. “I’m a boy, Reggie. Only girls wear dresses.”

Regulus contemplated that, curling close to his brother as they both drifted to sleep, and wondered if there was any sort of spell to turn him into a boy, too. Then, he wouldn’t have to wear dresses.

–

He was lumped in with the girls. Narcissa, Bellatrix, Andromeda. His name was spoken along with theirs, while Sirius’s was singled out. It was odd, he realized as he grew- why was he put with the girls? He didn’t feel like he belonged there. He’d asked his mother once, why this was so.

It was the first time he’d been hit.

He might have been hit more, except Sirius had accidentally broken some priceless heirloom, and suddenly he was the focus of Mother’s ire.

The bruise healed, but the confusion remained.

He tried not to stare enviously that year when Sirius would receive boy things for Christmas, like knives and collared shirts, while he, himself received makeup and bows for his hair.

He was expected to like dolls and pink and frills and lace.

He did not.

Sirius got to play with toy brooms and wear pants.

He did not.

Why?

He watched Sirius jealously when they both got haircuts and Sirius’s hair was always cropped smartly to his ears. His own hair was past his shoulders and it was wavy and feminine and horrid in a way that made his stomach feel as if it were trying to escape through his mouth.

He played a game with himself, sometimes.

At first he told nobody.

He would pretend to be a boy, in his head.

He would pretend to have short hair and pants and the toys and clothes that Sirius had.

But once, he slipped.

He mentioned it to mother.

That was the first time he was left in his room all day, with no meals.

He suspected it might have been longer, except Sirius was caught sneaking food to him. He didn’t see Sirius for three days after that.

Sirius understood.

Well, he didn’t understand, but he didn’t judge.

Days later, when Sirius snuck into his room, he confessed to Sirius about his game. Sirius looked at him for a long time before asking, “Do you want me to pretend, too? Do you want me to pretend you’re a boy?”

It was so simple, but it made him so happy.

After that, Sirius would sneak him his old clothes and they would stay up late having fashion shows. “They look better on you than me, Reggie!” Sirius would say with a grin.

He felt so sane in those moments. Like he wasn’t breaking some stupid rule he didn’t even understand.

It got worse, of course. As he got older, he realized that it wasn’t just dresses and toys and games in his head.

He resisted the urge to cry when he looked at himself in the mirror and saw the curve of hips beginning to form, all while Sirius walked around shirtless, showing off the smooth frame he craved.

It was his body. It was all wrong.

Was he crazy?

Mother had caught him wearing Sirius’s old pants and had hit him and called him words he had never heard before and had starved him for two days. Sirius had brought him food again. He’d been caught and hurt even worse.

But he still couldn’t fix it. He couldn’t fix himself. He couldn’t stop pretending he was a boy and wondering if, somehow, whatever magic made babies show up in mothers had been botched somehow with him. Was he a product of a ruined spell? The consequence of the inbreeding of his parents?

The worrying and wondering was terrifying. He felt crazy. But he only cried into Sirius’s shoulder, unable to voice his thoughts.

He was broken. He could never be fixed.

The day Sirius was due to leave for Hogwarts, he cried and cried because Sirius was the only one that treated him as normal. He had been his confidant, his safe haven, and he was leaving.

And Sirius found him, sobbing in his brother’s bed, and whispered, “I’m gonna come back, Reggie, don’t worry.”

And he murmured, “But nobody else…” Nobody else what? Nobody else loved him, despite his insanity and self-hatred?

It wasn’t normal. He had been telling himself that for the better part of three years, ever since he’d started his little game. Normal people didn’t reject their own bodies and want to…want to be…

It was disgusting.

So, he met his brother’s eyes and said, “I’ll just miss you, that’s all.”

—

The four months between the start of school and the holidays were the longest of his life. After the news of Sirius’s sorting into Gryffindor reached home Mother was nothing less than volent. He didn’t dare step a toe out of line. He felt as if he were slowly dying, rising every morning for the tutor Mother had hired, pulling on the dresses Mother set out daily, not even able to find lightness or humor in the sarcastic remarks Sirius used to make behind the tutor’s back. It was numbing.

Sirius wrote, but his letters were careful- they both knew their parents read the letters, so the letters were light and surface-level. They still tore at his heart, though, in the way they described Sirius’s happiness. Happiness without him.

But it was the day Sirius returned to their home, the day he pulled him into his room and under the covers, like they used to do when they were small, and described his friends, that his life changed forever.

He listened in bittersweet fascination as Sirius described James (“James Potter, he’s wonderful and so cool, Reggie, and his parents are so nice, they always send us things!”) and Peter and Remus (“He’s like…quiet, like you. But I reckon there’s something to him, and I’ll figure it out”). And he talked about Lily and Alice and Mary and Marlene. But Regulus wasn’t most interested in Sirius’s friends’ names, or even if they were nice. No, he almost physically jumped off of the bed when Sirius mentioned Gideon.

Gideon was a member of the Gryffindor Quidditch team, older than Sirius, and apparently, it’d taken Sirius about three minutes to mention, had caused quite a stir that Fall.

“Well, s’because I guess he used to be a girl? But now he’s not,” Sirius explained, looking a bit confused, himself. “I guess you can do that? James calls it trans.” Sirius nodded, as if confirming to himself that that was the correct term. “Like Transfiguration, I guess? Changing? But he just didn’t want to be a girl, so now, he’s not!”

He gaped. That was possible? He asked Sirius this question, trying to seem casual.

“Yeah, guess so! I mean, it’s kind of like the game you play, right? Except, real! And Gideon says he’s a lot happier now, so good for him, I guess? But some of the other kids have been right prats about it, seems like–” Sirius broke off, taking in his expression. “Reggie, are you okay?”

He was crying. “You can do that?” He repeated.

And then, Sirius seemed to realize. Because for a twelve-year-old, he was decently smart, and knew him better than anyone. “D’you…d’you want to do that, Reggie? I thought…I thought it was just a game?”

And he could only shake his head.

There was a stunned beat of silence. Then, Sirius grinned. “Well…I always wanted a brother.”

Hey guys! I used my own experience with dysphoria as well as a very helpful friend here on Tumblr to help make this as realistic as possible! Let me know your thoughts! I purposely only used he/him pronouns for Regulus and avoided using his deadname because the fic is from his POV and the point is he is a boy.

As a reminder, trans men are men, trans women are women. This is just child Regulus's POV, so he and Sirius aren't very educated on the subject.

#marauders #marauders era #harry potter #fanfic #regulus black kinnie #trans regulus #sirius is a good brother #sirius protecting regulus #regulus deserved better #regulus black #sirius and regulus #tw gender dysphoria #tw transphobia #tw walburga black

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himbo-in-limbo · 7 months

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Tw man boobies!! and gender dysphoria!!

It started out as a cute drawing thingy but then I made it personal for my cat oc….

I just know being in a poly ship with fronnie would be the most wholesome thing…

#personally I can’t wear binders or compression tops for too long bc I have very sensitive chest muscles #they restrict how often I can bind and that drives me crazy #trans tape fr saved my sanity by being the best way to bind for me #I feel no back pain whatsoever #AND I can shower with it on?!#truly an amazing product #my art #digital art #digital illustration #original design #original character #my oc #idk if I’ll tag the boys #tw gender dysphoria #tw nudity #comic #sad comic #genderfluid positivity #genderfluid problems

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everybodyshusband · 2 months

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deus in absentia ; chapter two

[previously known as: you're so goddamn frail]

rain/swiss (the band ghost)

explicit | m/m | 6.6k words (12.5k overall) | HURT/COMFORT, coming out, crying (so much crying), making up, pet names, so much LOVE, supportive as fuck swiss, anxiety, unreliable narrator rain

—the world's biggest thank you's are in order for @spoiledleaff who helped with a few sections that were giving me grief months and months ago and to @ghoultrifle who beta'd this whole chapter and has been far more enthusiastic about this whole thing than i ever expected anyone to be <3 and if we could all pretend that this chapter hasn't taken me over a year to write and publish that'd be GREAT ksnksjfdf i hope you all enjoy the fic as much as i've enjoyed writing it !!!

snippet and ao3 link under the cut !!

As time went on and the earth ghoul still hadn’t returned, Rain found that his eyes kept flicking back to the plant mischievously, tempted to pour at least some of his water into the pot, just to see if Mountain would really notice, or if the earth ghoul was just using Rain’s lacking knowledge of earth ghoul magick to his advantage. Unfortunately for Rain’s ever-present sense of mischief, the calmer and at least vaguely rational side of him told him to suck it up and finish the glass; if not to avoid the worsening of his headache, then at least to avoid Mountain’s inevitably disappointed shake of his head. He drained the remaining water in the glass and set it on a side table, more than happy to wait by himself for however long it took Mountain to come back. Before he had the chance to sit with himself for very long however, the sound of running footsteps in the hallway startled him. Excitement sparked in him at the thought that Mountain would be back so soon, along with confusion as to why the earth ghoul would be running to return now that he knew Rain was safe. When he heard a voice call out however, it wasn’t Mountain’s.

“Rain? Baby?”

Rain froze, heart beating as his breath caught in his throat and unshed tears began to sting at the corners of his eyes. Not now. Please not now.

Not when he’d just started to feel better.

“There you are, mi renacuajo.” Rain turned his head towards the door slowly, inhaling sharply at the sight of Swiss standing there, breathing heavily, a relieved smile on his face for having found his love. “I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to find you, Rainy.” Rain could feel his chest heaving faster and with less and less rhythm the more Swiss talked. No matter how hard he tried to control his breathing, his body shook with the force of it and the tears were now threatening to spill down his cheeks.

The second Swiss noticed this however, the smile dropped off his face, immediately replaced by a concerned slant to his mouth and a worried furrow of his eyebrows as he scanned Rain up and down, no doubt taking in the signs of distress. He walked over and crouched on the floor in front of Rain, careful to avoid contact with the water ghoul. “Are you– Are you alright?”

Rain opened his mouth to tell Swiss he was fine, to tell him not to worry, to tell him to go away and leave him alone, but all that came out was a choked sob. Once he started crying again, Rain quickly realised he couldn’t stop himself. It wasn’t the multi ghoul’s fault, it never was, but the sight of Swiss had brought back every single turbulent emotion Rain had been experiencing that day. Despair and dysphoria washed over him knowing that Swiss would, inevitably, say the wrong thing and there was nothing the water ghoul could do about it. This was only followed by waves of worthlessness that took immense delight in reminding Rain that he’d be able to stop these horrible situations if only he could suck it up and tell swiss; if only he could stop being so fucking pathetic. At Mountain’s appearance, Rain had thought the worst of his day was over, but now, with Swiss’ return and remnants of his thoughts from earlier coming back in full force, he wasn’t so sure.

Who was Rain to keep such sensitive information about himself, one of the multi ghoul’s packmates, a secret from him? Who was he to use Swiss as a means of making himself feel worse without his knowledge; to force the multi ghoul to fuck him while neglecting to tell him the full details of Rain’s situation and identity? And who was he to be able to do nothing but cry at the mere sight of Swiss, his friend; his partner? He wasn’t even able to pull himself together enough to pretend he was fine, to relieve Swiss of his worries and reassure him that he’d done nothing wrong. Sathanas, Rain was a fraud. A burden. How dare he let himself break down like this in front of Swiss? All he had to do was smile, hold back the tears, and nod serenely in order to convince the multi ghoul that he was okay.

So why couldn’t he just do that?

[read the rest on ao3 !!]

#husband writes #rain ghoul #transmasc rain :3 #swiss ghoul #nameless ghouls #the band ghost #tw dysphoria #tw gender dysphoria #the band ghost fanfic

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b0y-int3rupt3d · 1 month

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I fucking hate being trans

I cant wear what I want without analysing every small detail that could make me look fem

I hate how I may see myself as a boy but everytime i step out of my room,i'm reminded the world doesn't see me like that

I hate how my mum feels the need to emphasise that I need womens clothing since men have different body types

I hate how she sees me as 'too fem' to be a boy so shes created this idea that I am non binary and I cant say otherwise or else i might have to put up with her shit

I hate how i'm scared to wear masc clothes infront of my mum incase she says something

I hate how some people in our own fucking community don't see me as trans because I like wearing makeup

I hate how,in my head,i see my hips as really wide,my waist super small and my chest really big

I hate how hearing my dead name makes me feel ill

I hate how teachers deadname me

I hate having voice dysphoria but having to talk

I fucking hate being trans

#Dysphoria is hitting pretty hard #boy.interupted #☁️.tag #tw dysphoria #gender dysphoria #Tw vent #tw gender dysphoria

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tallyhoot · 3 months

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arghhhhhh I’ll never be a fucking man

I WILL ALWAYS BE A FUCKING WOMAN NO MATTER WHAT

#I’ll be back to normal in a minute chat #tw vent #tw gender dysphoria #Eddie’s vents and rants #ask to tag

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industrations · 11 months

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I’ve had such a bad brain day :( it’s getting really warm here and that means no more sweaters to hide in and i have once again have to face the horrors of gender.

Please tell me something nice (anything, doesn’t have to be related to this) so i can wake up to anything other then my brain being straight up RUDE TO ME (side eying myself in the mirror rn)

#idk what to tag this as #crying on main?#tw gender dysphoria #also i’m so sorry if you’ve messaged me and I haven’t responded yet #i will get to them as soon as i have the energy <3

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triple-pupil · 9 months

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There’s always angst art of dice comforting devil, what about the other way around?

Like, dice has a rougher day than usual and….well, old scratch is the only one he’s comfortable around.

As I said in another post, I completely forgot what this scenario was supossed to be because of how much time passed and I'm sorry for that... The only thing I have from the original scene is this drawing I'm still pretty proud of, that drawing contains-

‼️GENDER DYSPHORIA, TRANS CHARACTER PRE/MIDDLE-TRANSITION (IDK), PARTIAL NUDITY‼️

1890s, pre-relationship.

I can't come up with a scene but I really want to have the Devil comforting Dice, it would be awesome and lovely, so I'll have this ask haunting the back of my head until then.

What I have certain is that I want a scene like this be related to Dice's process through transition and his masculinity.

cough cough @aka-baka-shiki, if you or anyone else knowlegable got any examples of related struggles plz cough cough

#Really sorry #cuphead #king dice #cuphead devil #devildice #ask #cuphead ask blog #trans king dice #tw gender dysphoria #tw partial nudity #my shit #Also sorry for the tag if you don't want it Aka #I'm ashamed but I can't have beautiful asks like this sitting in the drawer for so long

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basicallyjaywalker · 4 months

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Everytime I get dysphoric I trans another Ninjago character's gender. Sorry y'all Jay is a woman and Kai uses she/he now

#sweet cis teen by dazey and the scouts plays faintly in the background #the only constant in this is lloyd who is always transgender to me and that is pure projection #ahem. anyways. uh #tw dysphoria #tw gender dysphoria #ninjago #lego ninjago #jay walker #kai jiang #gender dysphoria #i may end up deleting this idk if this counts as something too venty

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sapphire-heart-tippy · 7 months

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This oc I saw in my dream once... has actually helped me out a lot when it comes to gender dysphoria. Thank you, Bel...

in case you can't read my handwriting under the cut

Beleza speaking to Tippy: I...I completely understand...

It hurts... like your heart is being squeezed by a vice.

You feel like you're drowning. You're breaking apart.

Suffocating under the weight of that feeling you'll NEVER be the guy you want to be.

I want you to know that I see you as who you REALLY ARE!!!

#tw gender dysphoria #gender dysphoria #doodle comic #sketch comic #bel jjba oc #beleza muscadine #beltip #oc #self insert #art #digital art #sketch #doodle #trans masc artist #trans masc dysphoria #i dont have top surgery in real life unfortunately- but i still draw my s/i with scars... one day itll happen...#vent art #<< just in case

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rowenablade · 2 years

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I’m thinking about the emotional place Jim is in at the end of s1 and presumably, the beginning of s2.

Thinking about how the path of violence they were set on as a child is one they were told was ordained by God. About how Vico Ortiz described Jim’s gender as “assigned knives at birth”. About how almost everyone’s observations of Jim are related to violence.

“He looks tough.”

“I’d love to be stabbed by Jim.”

“You’re quite the specimen.”

Thinking about how Jim in ep10 has chosen to try to leave the violence behind. To trade revenge for their dead family for building a life with their new one. To be something other than what they were molded into by forces beyond their control.

Do they think God is angry with them for making that choice?

Thinking about the look of fury on Jim’s face, when they wake up on Blackbeard’s ship. Because they tried. They looked the world in the face and said “I am not what I was.” They tried to cast off the identity that had become a prison and step into one that fit them better.

And The Kraken took that all away, and said, “No. This is what you are. This is what people see when they look at you. This is all anyone wants you to be.”

Thinking that Ed has made a terrible mistake. Because he didn’t just take Jim’s family and their freedom. He took their identity too.

#our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd meta #jim jimenez #ofmd jim #vico ortiz #tw gender dysphoria

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convexicalcrow · 9 months

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Scarvis was on stage again, and Cub was watching from backstage, entranced by her. She was a shapeshifter, that was the only way Cub could conceptualise it. She was whatever she wanted to be, and tonight it was a fae creature seducing the audience, with flowing robes and just enough revealing skin for Cub to know what she had in mind when he took her home later.

Other thoughts ran though his head, though. Thoughts he didn't often give credence to. Like what it would be like to be her, not just be with her. To be out there on stage, wearing gorgeous dresses, hearing them calling him she and her...

But, no, there was no way that was happening. He'd never look that good. Too hairy, too chubby, too... too ordinary-looking. He was a bear, and she was a star, and that was how it had to be.

"Hey, baby! She's really kiling it tonight hey?" Ren said quietly as he landed an arm around Cub's shoulders, breaking him out of his thoughts.

"Yeah, yeah, she really is. I-I helped her, with that dress. Helped her pick out the fabrics. Just wanted her to look pretty," Cub said, and he didn't like that his cheeks felt hot at the admission. His clothes - just jeans and a t-shirt - suddenly felt very uncomfortable and in a way he didn't like.

"Well, you definitely picked the right ones. I think I'll have trouble getting her off stage tonight, I don't think she wants to stop!" Ren said with a laugh.

Cub smiled. "I don't think she does either."

Ren pulled away from him then, and Cub shifted back a little more into the shadows, just to make sure he wasn't visible from the floor. He'd never admitted to being the one to make all her clothes, and she always said it was simply a team effort, as if he was simply moral support. Which he was! He'd just asked her not to bring it up, because it was embarrassing. He didn't want it getting out. His job was stressful enough without his colleagues knowing he was involved in this scene.

In some ways, he shouldn't have come tonight anyway. He had several research papers he needed to get through before a meeting tomorrow, but she wanted him to see her show off all his hard work, and she did look amazing in the dress to be fair. So he'd come along, and okay, maybe it was worth it, just a little bit.

He moved forward a little as she finally made her way backstage after several farewells. She grabbed him and pulled him into her arms, holding him close.

"You made that magic, Cubby, thank you," Scarvis murmured in her male voice.

Perhaps in other circumstances, it would be strange, but now, pressed against her chest, for Cub, it was a comfort, at least for a moment. She pulled away and grabbed his hand, dragging him backstage to the dressing rooms.

"Come on, darling! Do keep up! I've got another three costume changes to do!" Scarvis laughed.

"Alright, I'm coming, I'm coming," Cub said with a laugh, happy to be tagging along behind her.

And once she'd changed again, maybe Cub stayed back a little, just for a moment, wondering what it would be like to be her. To have her own dresses and-

No. Absolutely not. He pushed those thoughts aside as he put the dress away, carefully hanging it back in its bag as he tidied up some of the makeup she no longer needed. Perhaps no one noticed that he never looked at the mirror. Perhaps no one noticed the careful way he handled her clothes. Perhaps no one noticed the yearning in his eyes, because he was blind to it as well. Perhaps no one noticed the way he yanked a little at his shirt as he returned to the wings to watch. They wouldn't know how it gnawed at him. Maybe he had suddenly grown sick of the texture. Yeah. Maybe that was it.

#hermitshipping #fanfic #convex #cubfan135 #gtwscar #rendog #convex drag au #cubscar #trans cub #genderfluid scar #tw gender dysphoria #guess who's processing gender feels again wooo #only as a transmasc it's weird doing this the other way #from masc to femme #but anyway #this scene has been living in my head all day so #have some 2am fic bweee

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