#the only constant in this is lloyd who is always transgender to me and that is pure projection | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

crystalgirl259 · 3 years

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Body Of Anguish

SUMMARY: They hated how it made them feel. Not just because it hurt, but because the pain was a constant reminder of what they were lacking and what they were not. It was a constant reminder that their chest was too there, hips too wide, hair too long, voice too high. They hated it just about as much as they hated their name. It was almost frightening how much they hated that horrible name. They hated the way it rang in their ears and curled itself around their body like slim. Kylie Ashley Smith...

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Zane, Jay, and Cole could tell that something was wrong. It was little things at first, like the occasional weak laugh or smile that was offered up to them. Then it began to grow until it felt like Kylie was no longer the same person they had met all those years ago. She was no longer happy, even when she would smile and joke with them they could see past it, see the pain and anguish desperately trying to burst free. The way Zane put it, it was like Kylie was now constantly holding her breath around everyone.

She was holding something back, keeping a secret from her three friends and they could see it slowly starting to eat away at her.

They decided to take her shopping for the day, hoping to make her feel better and show that they were there for her. They had gone to her favorite noodle restaurant, had a small peak inside an electronics store due to Jay's begging, and had also tried out some fitness equipment at Cole's request. Zane had also managed to persuade them to buy him some state-of-the-art kitchen utensils and cooking books. It was turning out to be a good day so far.

It was almost like they had the old Kylie back, the happy Kylie.

Which was why they couldn't understand why offering to buy her new clothes would cause her to get that guarded, closed-off look that meant she was hiding her sadness and pain.

"We're not saying your clothes don't look nice Kylie, we just thought you might want some new ones," Jay said to his girlfriend's big sister while gesturing to the different clothes stores behind them. It was the favorite store for all girls these days, according to Nya, yet Kylie had an uncomfortable look on her face. She tugged at the baggy red jumper she had taken to wearing about a month ago which underneath hide her tight-fitting black top that showed off her curves and chest.

In fact, if the trio really thought about it, Kylie had started wearing the jumper when her chest started to become noticeable.

It was to be expected that it would happen eventually, she was no longer the ten-year-old girl that they met in the playground three years ago. She was now thirteen, a teenager, so her body was obviously gonna start changing.

"I don't know guys... I mean, I have plenty of clothes already." Kylie mumbled while glancing down at her feet.

"They don't all fit you anymore though Kylie; you're a growing young lady now after all." Cole pointed out which only made the young brunette look even more distressed.

"I know." She whispered and it sounded so broken, so downtrodden and hopeless that it had Cole sending a slightly panicked look to his other friends who just shrugged helplessly. Clearly, whatever it was that was troubling their friend had something to do with clothing. Was Kylie perhaps self-conscious about her body?

"Is everything alright Kylie?" Jay asked worriedly, watching as that fake weak smile slipped into place.

"Of course buddy." She said in a voice that wavered ever so slightly.

"Something is bothering you, has been for months now, you know you can tell us, right?" Cold asked in an uncharacteristically soft voice.

"Yeah." She replied, but it sounded so fake. It was so hollow that the noirette couldn't help but raise an eye ridge at the young girl whose face was starting to crumble.

"What's wrong?" Zane asked as he reached out, only to have Kylie jerk away from his touch, her eyes starting to well up with tears.

"Nothing, I just need some air." She snapped and just like that she was gone, running off like the hounds of hell were on her heels. All three of them stared after her, eyes filled with confusion and worry. Whatever it was that was troubling Kylie, it was starting to come to a head and she was near breaking point. She clearly wouldn't be able to hold her breath much longer at the rate she was going...

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They sat on their bed as tears streamed down their face. Each breath stuttered in their chest that felt like it was slowly being squeezed tighter and tighter. The jumper they normally wore was thrown to the side exposing what it had really been hiding. A chest that was surprisingly flat for their owner's age but when looked at more closely it became apparent why. A long roll of bandages was wrapped tightly around their chest, constricting their lungs and making their ribs hurt with each inhale of breath.

They hated how it made them feel.

Not just because it hurt, but because the pain was a constant reminder of what they were lacking and what they were not. It was a constant reminder that their chest was too there, hips too wide, hair too long, voice too high. They hated it just about as much as they hated their name. Kylie Ashley Smith. It was almost frightening how much they hated that horrible name. They hated the way it rang in their ears and curled itself around their body like slim.

When they strained their memory they could recall a moment when they wished their name had been Samantha because then it could have been shortened to Sam.

That was a name often given to young boys. Or even Ashley, like their middle name. That was a name for both boys and girls. It was almost as if the universe was taunting them with having a unisex middle name. The thought makes something ache deep inside them. Boy, male, he, him, his, son, nephew, and brother. The terms haunted them. Not because they disliked them but because they knew they would never be used to refer to them.

When they thought about it, really thought about it, they knew they had always wanted to be a boy.

They just never had to right words to describe how they felt until a month ago. A month ago, when their chest had started to develop along with other female changes which left them feeling so lost, confused, frightened, angry, and wrong. The feeling of wrongness had been the strongest and that had been what drove them to finally look up possible reasons for why they felt so disconnected from their own body. The word transgender had felt like a slap in the face.

It had left them feeling so relieved because there was a word for it, there was an actual reason for why they felt this way!

But it also left them feeling so terrified and hopeless because they knew it could never be. Their friends would never see them as a boy. Their little sister would never see them as a brother. The world would never call them he. Girl, sister, and she would forever be stamped upon their soul. They also knew they could never do that to their friends. It would be selfish to take away Nya's sister and Cole, Jay, Lloyd, and Zane's friend. They couldn't take away their parents' eldest daughter.

They believed if they told Nya and Lloyd then their friends would see it as them replacing the person they had grown to love and cherish so they just couldn't do it, couldn't do that to them...

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When Cole, Jay, and Zane got back to the Smith family house it was to find Kylie curled up on one of the small reading chairs with a game controller in her lap, despite no game playing. Nya and their parents were out, so they were alone to talk. When she saw them she smiled but they could see the faint redness of her eyes. They could also see the way her lips trembled ever so slightly. That same red jumper was still on her even though it was a boiling hot day and they could see her sweating.

"Sorry about leaving you guys like that but I remembered I left something on here at home." She lied, they could see she was lying. Why was she lying to them?

"Kylie." Jay sighed and that had her straightening up, a wary look washing over her face because the frecked teen never sounded so serious. Cole caught on and walked over to gently take one of her hands, preventing her from leaving.

"We know something is bothering you," Zane said, watching as Kylie tensed up.

"Kylie, we're worried about you, you're not yourself anymore; you don't smile as often, and when you do it always looks strained and fake, and you're not eating as much or sleeping and you're not happy, everyone can see it," Jay said, holding her other hand tightly.

"Just tell us what's wrong and we'll help you," Cole added. Kylie stared at them, tears flowing down her face as she tried to hold herself together.

"I... I can't." She whispered.

"Why not?" Zane pressed, watching as she bowed her head and gave a choked-off sob.

"Because you'll hate me." She gasped out.

"We could never hate you! Your our best friend and family! Whatever it is that's troubling you, we'll help you." Jay said as tears of his own began to form.

"These last few months, it's like we could feel you holding your breath! But you don't need to do that anymore; you get to exhale now." Cole explained, and that was when the body-shaking sobs began followed by the loud hiccuping breaths taken between them. All three of them moved in, forming a protective barrier around their friend who curled closer to them, seeking comfort and safety. HE sat in their arms, feeling the pressure leaving him as he finally accepted who he was.

Taking a deep breath he reached up to wipe his teary eyes, smiling down at Jay, who gave him a small hopefully smile back.

The fear was still there. The fear of rejection and being told he was wrong but at the same time, he knew he couldn't keep hiding. He needed to not only accept himself but he needed to make sure other people knew who he truly was.

"There is something that had been bothering me; it has actually been bothering me for my whole life but it wasn't until a few months ago that I finally figure out what was wrong." He sighed as his fingers picking at the tight-fitting skinny jeans that he hated so much.

"Go on buddy, we're here for you." Cole encouraged while gently nudging him on the shoulder. He smiled softly, shoulders slumping as he took a deep breath in.

"I'm transgender... I'm not a girl, I'm a boy and I always have been; I just wasn't born right, and when I was younger I never understood why it made me feel uncomfortable to be called beautiful or cute or why I felt this sense of wrongness when put in dresses; I didn't understand why I hated having long hair or why makeup felt wrong on my face, and I didn't understand why when I looked in the mirror, I hated what I saw; but in these last few months, with that wrong feeling getting to the point where it felt unbearable I went online and began to look for a reason and I found it." She confessed to three of her best friends.

It silent for a long time, so long that he began to panic, thinking they hate him and are disgusted by what he had just said.

He made to get up, to leave, and never come back when he was suddenly pull back into a bone-crushing group hug that makes him feel like something inside him is healing.

"We're so sorry buddy, we should have noticed," Cole mutters with tears of his own starting to gather.

"Y-You guys don't have to apologize." He begins only for Jay to shake his head.

"We've been hurting you, Bro." Jay sobbed and just hearing the male term of endearment left him feeling so breathless and giddy.

"We've been hurting you so we're sorry; we're sorry for making you feel like you had to keep this a secret and for not noticing the signs." Zane continued as he rubbed soothing circles into his friend's back. The brunette sat there, staring at them in awe not quite believing that this was actually happening. It felt too good to be true...

****************

It wasn't long before Cole, Jay, and Zane were all in the shopping center again, standing in another clothing store, waiting outside the changing rooms with bated breath. Cole could feel his feet tapping against the tile floor excitedly while Cole sat giggling within nervous energy. Zane had a faint smile on his face as he stared out the window at the rest of the shopping center. They then heard the door unlock followed by hesitant footsteps. All three turned, freezing in place as their faces both show shock before it melts away into proud smiles.

"Looking good there Kai." Cole offered a thumbs-up as Jay laughing brightly beside him and Zane nodded in agreement. Kai stood before them, a shy but excited smile on his face. He stood there wearing a pair of black boys' jeans that have small rips in the knees. On his feet were a new pair of shoes Jay bought himself that looked far more masculine than his old pair. Gone was the red jumper and tight-fitting blacktop and in their place in a loose-fitting white shirt with a red jacket.

If one were to look closely they would see a black article of clothing under the shirt that was the new half-black binder that Zane had gotten for him.

Kai smiled, looking at himself in the mirror, looking at his newly cut, gelled up hair, new male clothing, and flat chest. Kai Ash Smith looked at himself in the mirror and for the first time in a long time, he actually liked what he saw. For the first time, he finally felt like himself...

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AN: Alright people I wanted to do something Ninjago-related for pride month, so I made this is. Now, this isn't my story. Around a year ago, at least I think it was then, my friend was showing me these collections of Sonic One-Shots on and one of the chapters was about Sonic being transgender. I'm not really into Sonic (except for the videogames) so I wasn't really sure what was happening in some of the chapters.

But despite that, it was a very incredible story.

Unfortunately, I can't remember who wrote it. I think the username was Camelot-themed, such as King Arthur or Merlin or something like that. But I'm pretty sure it was of Jack Frost from the Rise of The Guardians movie(LOVE THAT MOVIE!). I tried looking for it online, but I couldn't find them, so I'm not sure whether it's been deleted or I've just been putting the wrong thing in the Google search engine.

I would ask my friend for the author's name but we had a falling out a few weeks ago so I can't go to him.

I really hope it hasn't been deleted because it was a really good story and I could tell the writer put a lot of work into it. This story is not made to offend Transgender people or anyone from the LGBT community. My cousin is transgender. She was born a male but identifies as a woman and she is the sweetest person you could meet. I myself am bisexual, even though I haven't told my parents, so I would never intentionally insult or offend anyone from the LGBT community.

Nevertheless, I hope you enjoy this One-Shot, and Happy Pride Month! 🌈❤ 💛💚💙💜

#WittenWithPride #ninjago #ninjago kai #ninjago jay #ninjago cole #ninjago zane #trans kai

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profeminist · 7 years

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The BIG list of free Feminist / Gender / Audiobooks by Women via Audible.com

Updated 4/23/17: Here is a masterlist of feminist books and books by or about women and the LGBTQIA+ community that are available for free with a trial signup to Audible.com. As I update the list over the coming week I’ll reflect the current date at the top of the list!

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AVAILABLE AUDIOBOOKS (updated 4/23/17)

Feminist Books

Margaret Atwood: The Handmaid’s Tale

Laura Bates: Everyday Sexism

Jessica Benett: Feminist Fight Club: An Office Survival Manual for a Sexist Workplace

Susan Brownmiller: Femininity

Annie E. Clark and Andrea L. Pino: We Believe You: Survivors of Campus Sexual Assault Speak Out

Kira Cochrane: All the Rebel Women: The Rise of the Fourth Wave of Feminism

Angela Y. Davis: Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement

Kirby Dick and Amy Ziering: The Hunting Ground: The Inside Story of Sexual Assault on American College Campuses

Nora Ephron: Crazy Salad and Scribble, Scribble: Some Things About Women and Notes on Media

Nora Ephron: I Feel Bad About My Neck: And Other Thoughts On Being A Woman

Roxane Gay: Bad Feminist: Essays

Kate Harding: Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture - and What We Can Do About It

Jill Lepore: The Secret History of Wonder Woman

Ariel Levy: Female Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture

Audre Lorde: Sister Outsider: Essays and Speeches

Catilin Moran: How to Be a Woman

Catilin Moran: How to Build a Girl

Caitlin Moran: Moranifesto

Kate Harding: Asking for It: The Alarming Rise of Rape Culture - and What We Can Do About It

Tamara Winfrey Harris: The Sisters Are Alright: Changing the Broken Narrative of Black Women in America

Jack Holland: A Brief History of Misogyny: the World’s Oldest Prejudice

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie : Dear Ijeawele, or A Feminist Manifesto in Fifteen Suggestions

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: We Should All Be Feminists

Peggy Orenstein: Cinderella Ate My Daughter: Dispatches from the Front Lines of the New Girlie-Girl Culture

Peggy Orenstein: Girls & Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape

Tony Porter: Breaking Out of the “Man Box”: The Next Generation of Manhood

Phoebe Robinson: You Can’t Touch My Hair: And Other Things I Still Have to Explain

Sheryl Sandberg: Lean In: Women, Work, and the Will to Lead

Sheryl Sandberg: Lean In for Graduates

Kate Schatz: Rad American Women A-Z: Rebels, Trailblazers, and Visionaries Who Shaped Our History…and Our Future!

Gloria Steinem:Moving Beyond Words: Essays on Age, Rage, Sex, Power, Money, Muscles: Breaking the Boundaries of Gender

Gloria Steinem:Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions

Rebecca Traister: All the Single Ladies: Unmarried Women and the Rise of an Independent Nation

Jessica Valenti: Full Frontal Feminism: A Young Woman’s Guide to Why Feminism Matters

Jessica Valenti: Sex Object: A Memoir

Jessica Valenti: The Purity Myth: How America’s Obsession with Virginity Is Hurting Young Women

Jessica Valenti: He’s a Stud, She’s a Slut, and 49 Other Double Standards Every Woman Should Know

Lindy West: Shrill: Notes from a Loud Woman

Naomi Wolf: The Beauty Myth: How Images of Beauty Are Used Against Women

Mary Wollstonecraft: A Vindication of the Rights of Woman

Malala Yousafzai: I Am Malala: How One Girl Stood Up for Education and Changed the World

Andi Zeisler: We Were Feminists Once: From Riot Grrrl to CoverGirl®, the Buying and Selling of a Political Movement

LGBTQIA+ Authors

Dorothy Allison: Bastard Out of Carolina: A Novel

James Baldwin: Notes of a Native Son

Alan Cummings: Not My Father’s Son: A Memoir

Ellen DeGeneres: Seriously … I’m Kidding

Ellen DeGeneres: The Funny Thing Is …

Jennifer Finney Boylan: She’s Not There: A Life in Two Genders

Laura Jane Grace: Tranny; Confessions of Punk Rock’s Most Infamous Anarchist Sellout

Hannah Hart: Buffering: Unshared Tales of a Life Fully Loaded

Jazz Jennings: Being Jazz: My Life as a (Transgender) Teen

Janet Mock: Redefining Realness: My Path to Womanhood, Identity, Love & So Much More

Tig Notaro: I’m Just a Person

Funny Women

Samantha Bee: I Know I Am, But What Are You?

Carol Burnett: In Such Good Company: Eleven Years of Laughter, Mayhem, and Fun in the Sandbox

Carol Burnett: This Time Together: Laughter and Reflection

Ellen DeGeneres: Seriously … I’m Kidding

Felicia Day: You’re Never Weird on the Internet (Almost)

Rachel Dratch: Girl Walks into a Bar…: Comedy Calamities, Dating Disasters, and a Midlife Miracle

Tina Fey, Bossypants

Miranda Hart: Is It Just Me?

Miranda Hart: Miranda Hart’s Joke Shop

Mindy Kaling: Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me? (And Other Concerns)

Mindy Kaling: Why Not Me?

Anna Kendrick: Scrappy Little Nobody

Jessi Klein: You’ll Grow Out of It

Jane Lynch: Happy Accidents

Tig Notaro: I’m Just a Person

Amy Poehler: Yes Please

Issa Rae: The Misadventures of Awkward Black Girl

Sarah Silverman: The Bedwetter: Stories of Courage, Redemption, and Pee

Aisha Tyler: Self-Inflicted Wounds: Heartwarming Tales of Epic Humiliation

Betty White: If You Ask Me (And of Course You Won’t)

Betty White: Here We Go Again: My Life In Television

Rocking Women

Carrie Brownstein: Hunger Makes Me a Modern Girl: A Memoir

Kim Gordon: Girl In a Band: A Memoir

Athletes & Coaches

Simone Biles: Courage to Soar: A Body in Motion, A Life in Balance

Tamika Catchings: Catch a Star: Shining through Adversity to Become a Champion

Gabrielle Douglas: Grace, Gold, and Glory My Leap of Faith

Laurie Hernandez: I Got This: To Gold and Beyond

Carli Lloyd: All Heart: My Dedication and Determination to Become One of Soccer’s Best

Pat Head Summitt: Sum It Up: A Thousand and Ninety-Eight Victories, a Couple of Irrelevant Losses, and a Life in Perspective

Abby Wambach: Forward: A Memoir

More Memoirs

Maya Angelou: I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings

Drew Barrymore: Wildflower

Carrie Fisher: The Princess Diarist

Anne Frank: Anne Frank: The Diary of a Young Girl

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: My Own Words

Diane Guerrero: In the Country We Love: My Family Divided

Taraji P. Henson: Around the Way Girl: A Memoir

Coretta Scott King: My Life, My Love, My Legacy

Zora Neale Hurston: Dust Tracks on a Road: An Autobiography

Angie Martinez: My Voice: A Memoir

Shonda Rhimes: Year of Yes: How to Dance It Out, Stand In the Sun and Be Your Own Person

Robin Roberts: Everybody’s Got Something

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Living History

Hillary Rodham Clinton: Hard Choices

Sonia Sotomayor: My Beloved World

Gloria Steinem: My Life on the Road

Lindsey Stirling: The Only Pirate at the Party

Cheryl Strayed: Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail

Amy Tan: The Opposite of Fate: Memories of a Writing Life

Elizabeth Warren: A Fighting Chance

Elizabeth Warren: This Fight Is Our Fight: The Battle to Save America’s Middle Class

Mara Wilson: Where Am I Now? True Stories of Girlhood and Accidental Fame

Novelists & Short Story Writers

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie: Americanah

Isabel Allende: The House of the Spirits: A Novel

Jane Austin: Pride and Prejudice

Lucia Berlin: A Manual for Cleaning Women: Selected Stories

Charlotte Bronte: Jane Eyre

Emily Bronte: Wuthering Heights

Kate Burton: A Tree Grows in Brooklyn

Octavia Butler: Parable of the Talents

Octavia Butler: Kindred

Octavia Butler: Parable of the Sower

Louise Erdrich: The Round House: A Novel

Cristina Garcia: Dreaming in Cuban

Nadia Hashimi: The Pearl That Broke Its Shell

Shirley Jackson: We Have Always Lived in the Castle

Maxine Hong Kingston: The Woman Warrior: Memoirs of a Girlhood Among Ghosts

Jhumpa Lahiri: Interpreter of Maladies

Doris Lessing: The Golden Notebook

Audre Lord: Zami: A New Spelling of My Name

Zora Neale Hurston: Their Eyes Were Watching God

Leslie Marmon Silko: Ceremony

Leslie Marmon Silko: Almanac of the Dead

Leslie Marmon Silko: Storyteller

Gloria Naylor: Women of Brewster Place

Gloria Naylor: Mama Day

Gloria Naylor: Bailey’s Café

Ann Patchett: Commonwealth

J.K. Rowling: Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them

Zadie Smith: Swing Time

Amy Tan: The Joy Luck Club

Amy Tan: The Kitchen God’s Wife

Amy Tan: The Bonesetter’s Daughter

Angie Thomas: The Hate U Give

Toni Morrison: Home: A Novel

Toni Morrison: Sula

Toni Morrison: Song of Solomon

Toni Morrison: Beloved

Toni Morrison: The Bluest Eye

Toni Morrison: Sula

Ntozake Shange: For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow Is Enuf

Sarah Vowell: Unfamiliar Fishes

Alice Walker: The Color Purple

Virginia Woolf: Mrs. Dalloway

Virginia Woolf: To the Lighthouse

Virginia Woolf: The Waves

Virginia Woolf: A Room of One’s Own

Non-Fiction and Political Writers

Michelle Alexander: The New Jim Crow: Mass Incarceration in the Age of Colorblindness

Roxanne Dunbar-Ortiz: An Indigenous Peoples’ History of the United States: Revisioning American History

Melissa V. Harris-Perry: Sister Citizen: Shame, Stereotypes, and Black Women in America

Rachel Maddow: Drift: The Unmooring of American Military Power

Reshma Saujani: Girls Who Code: Learn to Code and Change the World

Margot Lee Shetterly: Hidden Figures: The American Dream and the Untold Story of the Black Women Mathematicians Who Helped Win the Space Race

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