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schizopositivity · 2 years

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my childhood experiences with hallucinations, how i rationalized them, and why i didnt tell anyone:

•as early as i can remember i saw colored lights, shapes and zig-zags flash across my vision, i thought this happened to everyone

•when i was about 5 i saw a gray cat run across my kitchen, we didnt have any pets at the time, i asked my older brother about it and he said "that was probably a daydream" even though i didnt conciousley create it and it looked real, i believed him and wrote off other hallucinations as daydreams for years

•when i was about 10 i was looking into a mirror and saw my eyes looking to the side, for some reason i thought mirrors were like screens and figured it was just glitching

•i was raised christian and wrote off a lot of hallucinations as god communicating with me

•when i was about 12 i learned what ASMR was and figured thats what all my tactile hallucinations had been all these years

•at the same age i started using tumblr, and would see emo posts talking about "the voices" (when they were actually just talking about mean thoughts) so i thought things like auditory command hallucinations was just a normal thing every teen experienced

•as i was hallucinating more frequntly i came up with more excuses, maybe i hadnt eaten enough, maybe i hadnt slept enough, maybe my periods and hormones were causing this

•i watched a lot of scary content on youtube and genuinely believed i was haunted by or possesed by demons

•i saw the way people treated psychotics, the way i was told to be careful near the people on the street talking to themselves, the way horror movies portrayed psychotics as danergous, the way i was told that my schizophrenic grandpa was abusive because he was schizophrenic

• the more and more i hallucinated, the more i kept to myself, i didnt want to be treated like that, i feared what would happen to me if people found out, i knew something was wrong with me but i was terrified of letting people know that, i could talk about my anxiety or depression or sometimes cptsd symptoms, but i couldnt talk about my psychosis

i did eventually get a schizophrenia diagnosis at 18, got on antipsychotics that helped a lot, and my family and friends ended up being understanding for the most part, but i spent so much of my life being symptomatic and just excusing it any way i could, i didnt want to want to be psychotic because of the way were treated in the world, but i am, and ive learned to embrace that

#tw god #tw christianity #tw demon #tw possesion #hallucination #hallucinate #schizophrenia #neurodivergent #schizophrenic #mental illness #nd #psychosis #actuallyschizophrenic #pseriouslypsychotic #mental health awareness

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magpie-masterpieces · 4 months

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I’d imagine we’re all a bit exhausted from the chaos of the holidays. So what better way to wind down than with a redesign of Acedia, the Sin of Sloth! 💤

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venting-town · 9 months

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The thing about having BPD and schizoid at the same time is that they sometimes cancel each other out

When I was young ( before age 11-12 which is where I’m pretty sure I started developing schizoid ), I constantly had to make sure that people that I loved still cared about me

Even when I’d “ act out “ ( trauma responses ), I’d still want them to love me

I’d go between loving them deeply and then hating them deeply the second they did something that would hurt me ( or even if I just perceived them trying to hurt me )

I’d sometimes manipulate them/test their love for me to made sure they ACTUALLY cared about me

Eventually, around 11-12, I started not caring as much. Mind you, I DID of course still struggle with abandonment and betrayal and trust and etc, all the things people with bpd struggle with, but I’d force myself to try and “ get over it “ by using very self-destructive means

And it hurt. Trying to fight against something so ingrained into you ( fear of rejection/abandonment/betrayal/etc ), wanting those people who should’ve ALWAYS loved you and cared about you and protected you ( mine didn’t ), and then try to turn around and force yourself not to care about them. Force yourself to just ignore them, to give up on trying to get them to care about you or love you or understand you, even though you yearned for those things so deeply/badly for 10 years of your whole life.

It was unbearable. And yet, I continued. Because that’s what I needed to do to protect myself/survive, because nobody else was there for me

And I’m glad I hurt my family sometimes. And that’s okay. I’m glad I hurt God/Satan/demons/angels/reincarnations/spirits/souls/etc too sometimes.

Fuck the okay and not okay and justice and vengeance. I’m glad I hurt them ( not always but sometimes )

Sure. You could just assert that bpd and schizoid are two contradictory disorders so you can’t possibly have them, but you’d be wrong.

And I know I’m not the only one who has two seemingly impossible disorders to have at the same time.

Just because things are contradictory doesn’t mean that they can’t work together/you can’t have both. That’s not how things work. That’s not how the world/the universe/etc works

Of course it might sometimes not work like that. Other times it may work that way. Other times it’s both and other times it’s neither, etc etc

BUT, for the “ your supposed schizoid is actually just your autism “ thing, as I stated, before the age of 11/12 I DID want/need/yearned to be loved and cared about.

Yes, I LOVED having alone time ( because I was so frequently molested by others and also forced to be around people all the time ), but I still wanted to be around people I loved. I was also INCREDIBLY socially awkward ( and that’s not just due to my autism, it’s due to constantly having to shift between identities to match what others wanted or I’d get punished. I couldn’t even mingle with kids my own age because I was so used to having to “ be an adult “ due to grooming/enmeshment/parentification/etc ).

And yet, I still wanted to have friends and wanted people to love me

As I get past 11/12, I started caring less and less about others “ love “, and started getting really pissed off when they’d occasionally try to show me love. I secluded myself more often and didn’t want to be around people I loved.

Mind you, I still ( at the same time ) would fear abandonment/rejection/etc, but it became more easier to ignore the more I forced myself not to care

Of course, it’s not just about not forcing myself to care. It was a mix of “ I need to make myself stop wanting love do I won’t get hurt “ and “ I literally cannot keep forcing myself to love others because it requires so much sacrifice/energy that I don’t have “

Nowadays ( and for the past few years ) I honestly can’t say that I care for my family. I’m not saying that I don’t care at all, I’m just indifferent 99% of the time, and that’s okay

I mean, yes, I DO feel love towards them sometimes, but if you gave me choices between staying secluded from my family the rest of my life vs only occasionally going to visit my family, I’d choose the first option with ( almost ) 0 qualms

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a-picrew-a-day · 1 year

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demon maker

Link to the Picrew

Made by @milqueandtoast here on Tumblr!

#picrew #picrews #picrew link #picrew maker #a-picrew-a-day #a picrew a day #tw demon #demon maker #fave #picrew game #picrew chain #from the queue

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moremysteriesthantragedies · 1 year

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Heads Up 7 Up

There were multiple responses running through my head...But, for now, not wanting for him to inevitably close up his walls the way he always did, I went with something simpler. “You’ll have to face this eventually, so you might as well just get it over with. And the sooner you can make up with Bradi, the better. Wouldn’t you say?” I said, keeping my voice low.

Quince merely grimaced. “I suppose.”

With that response and a small albeit sharp glance, that conversation was over.

Thanks @writingpotato07 for tagging me! Here, have Quince and Des arguing, as per usual lol.

Tagging: @i-can-even-burn-salad, @pluttskutt, @primroseprime2019, @perasperaadastrawriting, @autie-auden-writes, @linkytes, and anyone else who wants to join in!

#tag game #heads up 7 up #my writing #infernal serenade #writeblr #tw demon

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dipstar1489 · 5 months

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Emily Redesign

(Left is Emily’s special events dress for when she’s going on a date with Camila or when visiting her father’s empire. Right is Emily’s casual outfit. They are both her human form)

Emily (she/her, definitely the most gothic sapphic alive, French human mother and demon father) is the middle child of the Nightingale siblings and got some serious anger management issues. She is a dangerous woman, with her raised to defend herself as a young child in case Donovan got injured. She is the strongest of her siblings when it comes to power, yet she the looks the most human, especially when she uses contacts.

Fun fact: In my story, both demons and angels can disguise themselves as full humans, but there are always tells to indicate their true form such as horns, wings, ears, tails and eyes. Demons are usually animalistic in their normal form while Angels maintain a more fantasy form, appearing more like an elf than human. Those who are born to both humans and demons/angels tend to have difficulty shifting, choosing to stay in either their human or demon/angel form, with the tell being extremely scarce or very obvious of their inhuman nature.

The designs above are Emily’s demon form but I can’t decide which one to do for her last name is Nightingale and her personality fits to be a bird, I also have to consider Donovan because he couldn’t shift into a human form and was killed partially because of his looks, with them having features similar to a canine, though this could be a recessive gene.

#dipstar1489 #gacha life 2 #tales of the demonic #Emily Nightingale #tw demon #tw angel #tw death mention #tw dog #Gl2

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whoaffle · 1 year

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Ok, The Mortuary Assistant (indie horror game) currently has Christmas decoration in the game, so the morgue has Christmas lights and snowmen and candycane stickers on the walls and etc... but that's not the cool part!

The cool part is that the demon is wearing a little Santa Claus hat!!!!!

LOOK AT THEM!!!

They look so happy in their little hat!!!!

Also? Santa was added as one of the possible corpses! Literally, he'll show up with the name "Santa Claus" and he can be the possessed body!

I love this game aufjsudhduf I'm having a blast playing it, even though my computer can't handle it and it runs like a fucking potato.

#the mortuary assistant #videogames #tw death #tw corpse #tw morgue #tw demon #tw demons #tw demonic #tw possession #macabre #tw horror #horror games #indie games

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schizopositivity · 1 year

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《TW: delusion, different dimensions, sanism, demons》

its recently come to my attention that someone i know irl thinks schizophrenia isnt real and i am just seeing into different dimensions. this is wrong for so many reasons here are some:

•this is denying real mental illness and claiming it is something else that has no proof

•this is saying we dont require treatment

•this is encouraging a delusion

•this is proven wrong by the fact that most psychotics symptoms become more manageable, lessen or dissapear completely by the use of antipsychotic medication

•this is basically saying that psychosis is a gift, neglecting how horrifying and debilitating it usually is

•this is neglecting all the other symptoms of schizophrenia, it is much more than the psychotic symptoms

•this is denying the decades of research and science of psychosis and schizophrenia, including the fact that schizophrenia shows up on brain scans

•and on a personal note, do they really think other dimensions are just full of demons telling me mean things? that would suck, what a lame different dimension lol

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itseasiertoletgo · 1 year

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#anger #depression #mental health #do revenge #tw depersonalization #tw depressing stuff #tw depressing thoughts #tw demon #tw angry #tw anger issues #d3pression #su1c1d3

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deerslutsworld · 1 year

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My (Romantic) F/O Striker

Name: Striker - Helluva Boss Age: 27 Pronouns: He/him

Race: Demon (imp)

Orientation: Bisexual panromantic

Likes: Guns, shooting, practicing his aim, horse riding, taking care of animals, traveling together, doing busy work with his hands. Dislikes: "Yappers", being called soft, letting his vulnerabilities show, hurting animals, being told what to do by smaller imps.

Personality Type: ISTP

A freelance, assassin demon who has been taken all over Hell thanks to his job. Has a country background.

Relationship Quirks (The Masterlist)

Will add onto this as they come to me.

Refuses to talk much about his past.

Often overcompensates to make himself feel better and look more confident in the relationship than he actually is.

Enjoys riding horse with his S/I, but does so quite fast. He is a bit of a speed demon.

When he is away, he calls his S/I every night just to feel their company and let them know they're not alone.

Lets S/I wear his hats and jackets. Very open to sharing with them for their own comfort.

Tag: #shameicantkillyamyself

#undescribed #deerfoinfo #shameicantkillyamyself #tw demon

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magpie-masterpieces · 1 year

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Little doodle of my OC Limbo (he/they)! Haven’t drawn any of my demons in awhile, felt good to doodle one again. >:D

#oc #demons/angels universe #melo’s masterpieces #tw demon #demon #sketch #digital art #procreate artist #procreate #original character

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kin-of-the-sheep · 2 years

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✧ ¦ 250x250 Demoncore Fiona Gilman Icons

✧ ¦ Free to Use ╶╴likes/reblogs appreciated!

#✼ Icon Set #✼ Finished Edit #✼ Completed Request #idv #identity v #identity v icons #idv icons #fiona gilman #idv fiona #priestess idv #idv priestess #idv fiona gilman #fiona gilman idv #demoncore #tw demon #ask me to tag #psd: tigeredits

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ourstaturestouchtheskies · 2 years

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St. Francis Borgia Helping a Dying Impenitent - Francisco de Goya // Ancient Names (Part I) - Lord Huron

#francisco de goya #goya #ancient names #ancient names part i #vide noir #lord huron #art #art history #lyrics #lyric art #tw demon #charlotte's halloween celebration

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moremysteriesthantragedies · 6 months

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Happy last WBW before Halloween! Today we're talking about sweets! What's your world's kind of candy? What are all the kids wanting? Any specific brands or flavors in demand? Or has another goody risen to the top?

You too! Most of my worlds are a mix of modern and fantasy/horror elements, so they have the same candy we have today. Although I wouldn't be surprised if Infernal Serenade had candies subtly named after certain demons, and the gluttony cults probably have companies in that regard.

Thanks for the ask!

#Infernal Serenade #ourwriting #writeblr #tw demon #tw cult #world building wednesday

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hazyaltcare · 2 years

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A moodboard for a human/enderman hybrid extranth, a demon extranth and a pluran that is werewolf kin, with themes of chaos, loyalty, swords, found family and protecting each other.

Mod Haze (🌇Bro)

#fictive #minecraft fictive #extranth #otherkin #enderman extranth #enderman fictive #hybrid extranth #hybrid fictive #demon extranth #werewolf kin #black #blue #orange #moodboard #🌇#mod haze #tw sharps #tw sword #tw demon

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